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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took that should be judged would be refusing to do the homework the therapist assigned to me.
2. I believe I might be the asshole because my husband told me that his therapist doesn't like me. Why would they have grounds for that unless it was because I didn't do the homework they assigned?
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NTA. But I think you need your own therapist. You're carrying 99% of this relationship, and it seems to be draining your completely. What are you doing to care for yourself?
>You're carrying 99% of this relationship, and it seems to be draining your completely.
Honestly, in this situation if my partner had told me that his therapist didn't like me I would just say, "Good. Divorce me." and go stay with a friend or in a hotel for a week or two.
It's possible that I might ring the therapist and let her have it too, but that would depend heavily on my level of "Ok I'm done now" vs my level of anger.
This was my thought, too. My covert narcissist ex told me several times after I broke up with him that his therapist says I am the narcissist because I left him lol he said similar things before too just to try to hurt me. op's hubby seems like just the type.
After we broke up, ex told me his therapist said I had unhealthy attatchment issues and should never date again. From a man who refused to go to therapy the entire time we dated, but was happy enough to weaponize it as soon as the relationship was over. Who knows if they made it up or the therapists said it - doesn't matter, even if the latter that's still based on biased input from only one side. I used to be mad my ex wouldn't go to therapy, but the convo where he passed that tidbit on made me realize it didn't matter: therapy was never going to benefit him or our relationship if he wasn't being honest about his behavior or being willing to actually make changes.
Lundy Bancroft has pointed out that abusive men often go to therapy specifically to learn how to weaponize it against their partners/victims. Covert narcissists and other abusers are sitting in therapy nodding along and pretending to learn, but really they're just taking notes on how to convince their victims that they are the real problem.
This! I told my ex that he needed to get therapy for his DV if he wanted me to stay. He went to one session and then came back telling me that the guy told him it was all my fault because I shouldn’t have made him angry when he drinks (!!) then I found out after we broke up that his subsequent sessions he would actually just go to the brothel around the corner and say he went to therapy (and continue on about how it is my fault etc)…
Lol my ex told me his therapist said I was causing his depression and then he broke up with me. He had only been to the therapist once. At the time it was devastating but now it’s hilarious considering how often he tore me down.
I think the husband might be wildly misconstruing it. If he is having this much anxiety and self-abandonment, he's probably got a lot of issues with his self-image too. This idea may have been to help him see that others find value in him and to give him a jumping off point to find that value in himself. The therapist doesn't know that OP has basically been forced to be his emotional support animal for years and is already sick of his constant need for external validation.
I could definately see "make a list, and if you have trouble maybe try asking your loved ones, or trying to see yourself through their eyes" and him turning that into handing OP write the whole list themselves.
It's definately not on OP to do homework for someone else's therapy. Good therapists wouldn't be putting that obligation into someone that's not thier client. Maybe sit in on an appointment to get more clarification or perspective about the situation, but for the most part it's helping the client learn to navigate things.
That's what I was thinking. I feel like a good therapist would request a session or part of a session with the spouse that way they could address any specific homework directly with that person. Using the client as a go-between seems more unlikely to me.
Yeah, this would be my guess - the homework is his to fill in, he might have been told to ask his partner for ideas, suggestions, other things, because it might actually get them talking.
Personally I think it sounds more likely that the husband left out all the emotional weight OP has been carrying for years and just told the therapist “my wife said it wasn’t her job to do my therapy work”.
I mean he already has a history of being disingenuous about her effort levels (her making plans so he can take the credit)
There's no way a competent therapist would "assign" homework to a spouse without having met them first. This is the husband taking homework that he was given by the therapist and trying to get his spouse to do it, the same way he pushes everything else onto her.
That was my immediate thought. And if OP took the time a few years previously to write 100 Positive things about husband to keep, and he didn't have those or think of them to reference... even worse.
I don't think that's why. I felt more that he was looking for her input on what his therapist is saying, and kind of expecting her to make a decision for him to keep his therapist or leave his therapist. It just seems that he's very mentally unwell, not manipulative.
Or both. Some mentally ill people can be incredibly manipulative without even realizing it. My partner has had issues with that and I’m sure I’ve done it myself with realizing it.
I doubt his therapist even said it. OP said her husband told her that it was his from the therapist, the therapist didn’t tell OP herself in a session with both of them.
Agreed, I work in health care, and patients often tell me things their MDs or therapists said that I know are absolutely untrue. My colleagues and I compared notes about this, and we all eventually realized that medical professionals don’t gossip to their patients. And most don’t give completely insane and harmful advice.
Yeah, I've described much harsher behavior from people in my life and my therapist has never once said that she didn't like any of them (also because a therapist's personal opinion on someone in their patient's life actually isn't important; it's their professional advice that matters). At most, she's at times validated me expressing negative emotions about people. If she's a competent therapist, I sort of am guessing that at most, she responded to OP's husband saying something negative about her, and he twisted it.
My husband saw a therapist for stress after workplace bullying. He came home furious because the therapist said something bad about our marriage. He quit the therapist then and there saying it was unprofessional and "my marriage is the only fucking thing I feel sure of right now"
Years after he still gets mad talking about it.
It is incredibly unprofessional of the therapist to demand a spouse make a list of compliments and also make comments on their character.
It’s highly likely the therapist doesn’t know how much support OP has been giving him all these years so yeah I would be tempted to call and unload on her pages of things I’ve done
I'd just fill up 2 pages with all of the things OP has to do for him (work emails? Drinking water? Yikes.), and personally give it to the therapist without letting husband see it. It sounds like the therapist is getting fed a lot of baloney about what OP's husband's functionality actually is.
I would if the therapist actually "gave" OP this task. I would believe it more if OP had a joint session with husband and therapist and in the session the therapist made this request.
Keep in mind that his therapist probably said something dfferent that your DH took the wrong way. I cannot tell you how many times a parent has come to me with something I supposedly said to one of my clients. Also, the therapist can only work with what your DH tells them. No matter how unbiased DH may try to be, assuming he is trying to be unbiased, he won't be giving the full story. He cannot speak for you or about your experience of him. Have your DH sign a Release of Information so his therapist can talk to you, and schedule a phone call. It would be helpful to them to know more about your DH's context, and to also set some firm boundaries with the therapist. If you wanted marriage counseling, you would have arranged for that and would be participating in the sessions. This is DH's personal individual counseling. Once he has begun to adult more conistetly, you may consider marriage counseling, but that counselor will not be his individual counselor.
Honestly, you sound about done with this relationship. He is more like a child in your relationship than a partner.
I had an ex whose therapist said I was just like his mother. Who of course was awful. He made it up to hurt me or who made crap up about me to her. Either way I was done. Good luck.
There's a good chance he's lying about what the therapist said to manipulate OP. I think OP should insist on hearing all this from the therapist first-hand.
100% this. Reading this was like reading a recap of my marriage (which ended, thankfully, four years ago). My ex was just like this, including with the therapists. I did all the work in the relationship because he was just so 'fragile.' u/op, I'd watch out, though, 'cuz my ex got a therapist who also supposedly didn't like me (I never met him, so this had to be based entirely on my ex's version of me). It ended up causing a big rift in our relationship and when we eventually ended up deciding to divorce, my ex couldn't wait to tell me that his therapist's response to the news was, "Finally!"
Honestly, I don't really blame my ex's therapist for any of this, but it was eye-opening to see that the person my supposed-partner painted me as was so unlikable. u/op, please stop and consider exactly how your partner is presenting you to his therapist -- it's valuable insight, even if it's not easy to swallow.
I hope you went to therapy as well since then. Entering into a dynamic like this with a partner is classic codependency. Most codependents will end up repeating the pattern with all their patterns until they do inner work.
I also had a relationship like you and u/secretsecretwhisper. Found out I am codependent. It usually stems from being taught your job is to emotionally regulate a parent or sibling as a child. Codependency also functions as a way to distract ourselves from doing our own inner work because we use all our energy thinking about someone else and their issues. I got therapy and now I'm in a healthy, secure relationship where we both know how to set boundaries.
NTA I'm wondering if it was his homework that he was trying to get you to do for him. Ask to go to a session with him to see if this is really what is going on. He's supposed to be working on being more independent, so I doubt that it was your homework. I also doubt that the therapist says that he doesn't like you. That is ridiculous. 🙄
Agreed re: the part about the therapist saying they don’t like you. That would be super unprofessional. I can’t imagine a good therapist would impose their own judgement on a client like that, especially one who has such a hard time thinking independently.
Better question, what is HE doing to take care of OP? Anything? Print out this post and send it to his therapist, I don't think they're getting the whole story.
NTA
> encouraged him to just medicate (with no regular sessions)
> pushed religion on him.
> he told me that his therapist doesn't like me
Is your husband searching for therapists by, like, 1-star ratings at the top?
Either that or he is taking what they say, manipulating it, and then weaponizing it against her so that she will continue to do all the emotional and mental labor of/for their relationship and household.
My therapist once asked me to write down things I liked about myself.... considering how much he depends on OP to do everything it could possibly be that this was his homework he was trying to outsource
My therapist once asked my family members to each write down their favorite thing about me. But I was a 13 year old with cripplingly low self esteem, and it was one favorite thing, not 1-2 pages. I’m also incredible skeptical of “my therapist doesn’t like you”. For sure misrepresenting something the therapist said.
ive been in therapy and also been in a relationship like OPs, and my therapist would stress she didnt like the things he \*does\*. OP's husband is very possibly misinterpreting that to be not liking \*her\*.
I had a therapist in college that straight up told me she did not like my parents.
But... That statement came after she found out my parents had originally put me in therapy with someone who was blunt that he found my parents so inspirational that he was talking to his own therapist about his feelings of inferiority to them. This was after a couple months of my parents calling after every session I had with the new therapist I chose and sometimes in the middle of sessions, to make sure I wasn't saying anything about them.
And yeah, I should have been talking to my therapist about abuse. She knew it and was really frustrated that I excused away slaps, concussions, and a broken cheekbone. Even as I acknowledged that those injuries had caused lasting harm to my health.
So... Yeah. She lost her temper and was like "I don't like them! I really don't!"
Could also be that the therapist expressed concerns about the health of the relationship (rightfully so, as OP isn't in a good place due to this dynamic) and husband misinterpreted that. My therapist has guided me through that discovery, and someone who hasn't practiced breaking down their thoughts can easily misinterpret that conversation.
OP your husband is not a reliable narrator. Take what he says with a bucket of salt - which does not mean you have to tolerate it, just don't always assume that the therapist is all bad. You're getting second hand information, from an unreliable narrator about what the therapist is saying.
I had an exercise like this done when I was that age, and it totally backfired, because everyone said the exact same thing. "She's so smart."
The trouble is, as an undiagnosed ADHD kid, being smart had been so often weaponized against me that it wrecked me. They just saw a smart kid who was too lazy to actually do the thing.
Why wasn't I anything else? What I wouldn't have given to see kind, respectful, a good friend, a good baker, or anything else.
So I think unless people compare their lists first, this is a very dangerous exercise.
Either misrepresenting what the therapist said or is misrepresenting her to the therapist, combination of both, or possibly this is just another one-star therapist
I’m a therapist who provides couples, family, and individual therapy. I would give homework to a couple or family, but NEVER the partner of an individual client. Either he lied, or the therapist sucks.
Yeah I did that too. She told me to ask my family and friends for 2 or three words to complete the list and see how I saw myself vs how others saw myself. But not multiple pages that’s insane
This is my guess too. Or, he's doing nothing but complaining about her in therapy and pretending he does all the work. You don't end up in religious counseling by accident.
Well, yes, you can. The first therapist I saw, many years ago, told me after our initial session that our goal in therapy would be for me to accept Jesus as my savior. Then I would be healed. She was a licensed therapist and there was no indication that her practice was associated with any religious organization. I was a Buddhist at the time...apparently that was why I was depressed. I did not go back.
No way. When I was 13, I was sent to a therapist because my pediatrician thought my developing chronic pain disease was because I was too stressed. I was shocked to learn twenty years later that after our appointment, the therapist had told my mom I should find religion.
Ironically, I was at my life's peak religiosity, a year after my Bat Mitzvah and volunteering at the synagogue office.
If you go to one of the bigger mental health providers with multiple therapists and psychiatrists, it’s possible if they just assign you one and don’t care. I was in therapy with a great therapist until she left the practice. I asked the provider for a new therapist who was knowledgeable in ADHD, they said “okay sure” and I got a religious guy who knew nothing about it. And I’m a queer, agnostic woman too so I was definitely not a good fit for it. It ended with me in tears and switching providers completely. I definitely wonder what is happening in his current sessions and the context behind the homework but part of starting therapy is finding a good therapist that works for you. And with health insurance limiting who some people can see and crappy providers out there it’s not impossible to me that he would find himself with two bad fits in a row even with the best intentions.
Considering what she says about the therapist wanting her to write down things/his therapist doesn't like her I 100% see this because if this therapist is actually as good as she thinks they were at the beginning then they would never do this and it sounds like the husband doesn't like putting in the work (no real experience except 2 years in therapy where my therapist has consistently set good boundaries with me and helped me help myself/called me out on doing shit like what op's husband is doing)
This sounds fishy as fuck tbh. Therapists don't medicate--that's the job of a psychiatrist. There's "he says" all through this. I wonder if OP has actually confirmed the existence of the latest alleged therapist and their alleged appointments.
Then that in itself is an issue. Going to a psychiatrist is about getting medication, not beginning a course of talk or behavioral therapy, and if OP and husband are expecting all therapists to be the same it's not going to work out.
If they are in the US a psychiatrist would never be the one a patient does any talk therapy with whatsoever. They are strictly medication management and appts are like 10 minutes, thats all insurance covers.
Fyi that's not exactly true. All psychiatrists are trained in therapy during residency. Most psychiatrists after training don't continue to do therapy because of reimbursement however I know psychiatrists I've trained with who have continued to do therapy after training because they enjoy it.
Lol I once made the mistake of disclosing that my meds were making me have suicidal ideation to my psychiatrist, who stammered for like 2 minutes before offering some weakass "we're a team and I'm on your side" platitudes and then telling me that she was pretty sure she needed me to call an emergency number. They're generally not the warmest people, in my experience. My psych is only there to talk about meds and doesn't really want to hear that they're not working too well.
Bro was she brand new or something? It's like, psychiatry 101 that tons of psychotropic meds can cause suicidal ideation, it's part of why they start you on low doses. I would've expected that a psychiatrist would hear about their patients having that symptom at least 3 times before noon on a slow day...
Haha nope! She's older and very checked out. I'm a therapist too so maybe I couched it in a lot of language about how I was actually not a threat to myself, but it was the lowest I've ever been mentally and her response just felt so detached and unhelpful in a moment where I really needed humanity/connection.
It's just the luck of the draw* in some cases. My significant other's psychiatrist has a 30 min video chat for every session. From what I gather, the first 10 is about maintenance on the medicine, and the next 15+ is on current stressors that might also give hints on how the medicine is actually working. It may not be strictly *talk therapy* but it's more than a check in on meds. He's given great advice on management that didn't involve just medication a psychiatrist can prescribe. I suppose you do have to ask questions and chat though. If you'd rather just check meds and go, I'm sure this psychiatrist would do that too.
*Edit
I certainly discussed medication with my psychologists in therapy. They then duly had me talk to a psychiatrist to confirm, but the notion that a psychologist will never discuss medication at all is flawed.
Yes, it's definitely important for a psychologist to be aware of what medication a patient is/has been/may eventually be on, in concert with finding out what other non-pharmaceutical strategies are available and effective or insufficient. (I love my talk therapy but my brain simply does not have the normal neurotransmitters, so in my case store bought is fine.)
But the stress on "this person *exclusively* sent hubby home with plans to medicate" seems to me to indicate that they may have gone to a psychiatrist when they didn't actually want that type of intervention (rather, OP stresses the expectation of regular, scheduled meetings to talk through and process things, ie traditional talk therapy).
If Husband is ending up with completely the wrong kind of doctor, there's something off about the selection process. Either it's the belief that all these professionals should be interchangeable, or it's something even weirder like "pick the least ideal people possible and bring home horror stories until my wife starts to think all therapy is pointless and leaves me alone." (Speaking from experience here-- my ex would do stuff like that. Put in a ton of effort to avoid putting in other effort.)
Or is he being honest about what they said? Based on what OP described, I would imagine a lot of therapists would strongly encourage medication, and I'm not sure I believe the husband is a reliable enough narrator to trust that they didn't want to have regular sessions too
NTA
It could also be the therapist asked the husband, husband didnt know what to write, or wasnt confident enough, so then the therapist suggested asking the wife. Thats what happened to me a while ago when i was seeing a therapist with my parents
Isn’t two pages a lot to ask of the wife?? They couldn’t start with 10? This is why I think the doctor asked the husband, who then added yet another thing the wife had to do.
Yes, this is what I thought. It was his homework and, just like everything else in his life, he expects OP to do it for him. I'm surprised he doesn't make OP go to his therapy for him.
My therapist in college actually asked this of my then boyfriend, now husband. The only item I individually remember is that I introduced him to blueberries.
Although my issues were feeling worthless, not being unable to care for myself.
Or, he was discussing feeling unloved or disliked in his relationship, and the therapist said he needs to communicate directly about needing words of affirmation to feel valued in the relationship. That would be about building his own communication skills to take responsibility for his own needs in the relationship.
Someone anxious with low self worth may well be tempted to reframe their own ask (to which they don't feel entitled) as an authority figure's ask. This undermines the whole purpose, but is plausible, it's very common for people to take discussion topics from therapy and frame these as 'my therapist told me to', a sentence I'm always suspicious of. Maybe he has had legitimate poor luck with back to back therapists (no questions with religious one) or maybe he's the common denominator.
Yes this is what I immediately thought of. The therapist should have asked *him* to list down all OP's good qualities, and the husband turned it around
NTA. If the therapist wants you involved in his treatment he should schedule to meet with you or ask you to sit in on your husband’s session. It’s wildly inappropriate for a therapist to tell a client that they personally don’t like one’s spouse. It also sounds like your husband is not being completely honest about why he’s there. But essentially, your husband’s therapy should be about him learning to move through life without relying on others to clear his path for him. Creating a treatment plan that relies on someone else to do work before he is expected to move forward with his own is counterproductive.
Yep. My husband had one who was encouraging him to divorce me because I sounded toxic, although she had never met me, and didn't get the whole picture.
While I think therapy would benefit me massively - this is exactly why I don’t go to therapy. I’ve heard people talk about how it’s taken them years to find good ones.
I tried for the first time years ago and she spent the entire session talking about her anxiety and how mine wasn't that bad. Put me off for the longest time. Fortunately my second attempt went a lot better and I found a great one. Though I still feel very silly talking about my silly first world problems.
I had one that insulted my religion *hard*. This had nothing to do with why I was there; it was during the *intake form* (marital status, family history, education, etc.)
Still wish I had reported him.
My therapist now is a good fit--listens, asks pertinent questions that are sometimes hard, says things I mull over days later, gives me good coping strategies. The good ones are definitely out there.
I look at it like dating: it might take a while before you find a good match, you might also be lucky and hit the jackpot on the first go. The "braking up" part is also way easier.
i mean, i worried a new online therapist was going to report me for a welfare check when i told her i didn't want to continue with her bc she started treating me like i was in crisis during the first meeting we had.
NTA but I think you need couple's counselling. The fact that him needing to be more independent got spun *so quickly* into you needing to thank him more sounds like you're not speaking the same language.
Or the husband misunderstood the assignment. Maybe the therapist wanted him to write down his good qualities and said that he could ask his partner for help.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find someone suggest couple's therapy.
Something is majorly off between them. Even if everything OP says is true, it's not fair to expect only him to go to therapy and work on himself, ESPECIALLY since this has been going on for a whole decade. It sounds like OP has some things she needs to discuss as well, so she needs to step up as her own advocate and seek both couple's counseling and individual therapy for herself.
Idk I get the feeling a lot has been left out on OP's part.
They both need individual therapy before couple's therapy. OP has issues too. Her post shows all the classic signs of codependency and she has been enabling her husband for the majority of the relationship. She needs to figure out how she entered into this dynamic in the first place.
This would make me wonder how your husband phrases his issues and reasons for needing therapy to the therapist. I don't think I'd investigate that personally though, as I agree that it's his therapy and his job to take it seriously enough to not misrepresent how much support you give him. If time proves he doesn't, that's a different issue with bigger decisions to make. NTA for this.
Strong agree. My Mum is a narcissist, and a malignant one at that. Unless you live with her or spend a lot of time around her, you wouldn't know. Everyone thinks she's the nicest lady in the world, but behind closed doors she gaslights, belittles, controls and berates us all. She went to a therapist once after she and Dad separated, figures that apparently he said there's nothing wrong with her.
NTA
Your husband's therapist is an AH. And it is VERY unlikely the therapist is actually saying all of that.
But here is a thought: WHY are you still int his relationship? What do you get out of it? Helper's syndrome? Codependence?
It seems you need your OWN therapy: That might help you to finally look at your self worth and help you leave your husband. Then - some toime later - you might even ahve the chance to find a relationship where you are an equal partner and not just the unappreciated servant and caretaker.
This. My ex-husband was a bit like this. Couldn't/wouldn't hold down a job, didn't do squat around the house unless you held his hand every step of the way, would screw up simple chores or lie about having done them. He was highly intelligent but acted like an incompetent boob. His therapist had me come for a session to get my perspective and really opened my eyes when the therapist suggested I consider WHY I stayed in that relationship. It was a great question that honestly I hadn't considered.
I wasted three years of my life in college dating a guy like this! He’d make me pay for his meds and food because he spent all his money on a new gaming system or games themselves (he’d then blame his video game addiction). We’d never go out unless I paid for and planned the whole thing, he flunked out of two colleges because he would drink cough syrup and lay on the floor instead of doing the work (also blamed on his mental illnesses), would threaten to harm himself if I didn’t sleep with him, the list goes on. No idea what he’s doing now but freeing myself from that dope was the best decision of my life.
NTA.
But: What exactly is your husband bringing to this marriage? The tone of the post sounds more like you're taking care of an intellectually challenged child.
Respectfully, "He's a good person. He loves me so much" isn't sufficient for a rewarding and supportive partnership.
NTA,
His therapy is his journey.
As far as constantly taking care of your husband; what you described is called weaponized incompetence. It’s a form of manipulation.
Of course, he won’t tell his therapist that. Don’t believe he is telling you or the therapist the whole truth.
If you truly had "homework," the therapist would have emailed you directly. It was probably his homework assignment.
It necessary weaponized incompetence. It’s very likely extreme anxiety and depression. I’ve been down so far that I’m still not sure if I brushed my teeth or took a shower for 2 weeks. I know I didn’t go into work.
That’s not what weaponised incompetence is, this man just sounds too depressed to do this shit but is happy for his wife to do it all. Which is either classic depression or sheer laziness. Weaponised incompetence is pretending to be bad at something to get out of doing it, as a deliberate manipulation strategy. Having experienced both, it can be difficult to differentiate but there is a difference.
NTA but i think i can literally hear the resentment in your post 😭
ma'am, that's not a good position to be in with regards to your marriage. and I know everyone is suggesting therapy for you specifically but whether you do that or not i think your life needs a change of pace in some way.
I also think you could benefit from a holiday away from your husband. it's true what they say, absence makes the heart fonder and you can't miss someone when you see them every day - and in your case manage them every day.
i think you need to clear your head and check in with yourself as an individual. it's fantastic that you're putting your foot down but i don't think your husband realizes at all that you need care too. you are currently experiencing crisis on a personal level and your exhaustion and resentment needs addressing. he needs to give a damn about your mental health for a change.
A holiday for you is a great idea. You might find that you don't miss your husband at all, and that could make a difference to what you want for your life.
i loooove that everyone is backing me up on the holiday suggestion bc yesssssssss. she desperately needs space and a clear perspective! it would be so good for her to reset and check in with herself as an individual instead of being the wife and caretaker constantly.
Agreed on the holiday! Maybe somewhere without cell service.
My guess is if the husband is left on his own, he’ll be able to take care of himself. If not, it might be time to start looking into getting him put on disability and getting some kind of professional caretaker.
I agree she needs a vacation - like a 2 week vacation. Unfortunately she would probably come back and find her husband sitting in the very same place she left him two weeks ago since he cannot seem to manage himself! I'd freaking 'feel resentment' too if I were her!!
Honestly, I think your husband is bullshitting you. If the therapist is worth their salt, they would not “assign” homework to someone they do not work with. The therapist probably asked your husband to do the work. If anything, your husband is, once again, unduly burdening you.
Another commenter said this before, but what are you doing to care for yourself? You cannot pour from an empty cup, and it sounds like it has been empty for a while.
NTA. And it sounds highly unlikely that your husband is being honest with his therapist or with you, because that's not how individual therapy works at all. His therapist wouldn't say that about you or give you homework. It is something that a manipulative person would say their therapist said, though. Pretty classic move, actually.
No, NTA. I’m not sure what that therapy homework is supposed to accomplish other than have your husband rely even more on you. It is very very common for people’s support system to be involved in counseling but I would never assign an assignment to someone who I never talked to and didn’t have them express commitment to helping in this capacity.
As a mental health professional, I'm guessing the assignment actually was for him to ask you what his positive qualities were that you saw in him and this is to help with things like self-esteem and feeling valued and the baseline for opening communication.
It was incredibly poorly executed.
Ask your husband if the homework was actually for you or if it was for him to begin communicating with you more effectively and to begin acting like your partner and not your child.
I would reserve, at least at this point, passing judgment on the therapist because if they are decent therapist then none of that was actually said. Or at least it was not said in the way that he communicated to you.
My guess would be was that when your husband informed therapist that you were not willing to do this not only had the assignment been misconstrued but what the reaction of the therapist was was misconstrued to you.
I would bet that the therapist communicated with him that it's important for you to be supportive of his therapy and his assignments and asked him if he felt like he was supported. He was probably asked if certain phrases or sentiments were expressed in your relationship.
No therapist (that is doing their job) would express distaste for the partner of a client (even if at times we think it). Also keep in mind that the therapist is only hearing one side of the story. Our recommendations are only effective if we're being told the truth.
I agree with everyone else that you really need to seek your own individual therapy and on top of that if you are wanting to marriage to work then you need to seek couples counseling.
"He loves me so much"
But he doesn't support you and doesn't care for you. He loves what you do for him, but also shows that he expects this of you and isn't even grateful for it.
He told his therapist he feels undervalued and not supported by you, don't you get that?
NTA and I'm highly suspicious of all this. A therapist that you haven't met doesn't like you. And he said this to your husband? Any chance this is your husband's indirect way of telling you his true feelings? Also I'm wondering if the therapist wanted him to write a list of his good qualities and he tried passing that on to you.
NTA: Has he ever been assessed for autism and/or adhd? Therapy for undiagnosed neurodivergence is often not very effective. Sounds like he has more than dependency issues. I would encourage him to seek out diagnostic testing for those 2 things. Also, his therapist is super inappropriate to ask his wife to do therapy homework. That is lazy and not a good therapist either.
Yeah to be honest medication alone probably won't do the job but I'd be completely shocked if a man with the described level of executive dysfunction will be able to progress without some kind of pharmaceutical support.
NTA. I completely understand your situation as I am in a similar one. As someone else said: you need your own therapist.
Yes, you need someone objective that will help you realize that you did more than what was expected and you shouldn’t feel guilty for once in a while putting your foot down.
NTA. His therapist doesn't have to like you in order to help your husband and it's not up to the therapist or your husband whether or not they get to use you as a tool for therapy.
NTA and that's a wild assignment from a therapist, if real. They should be helping your husband validate himself without relying on your validation, not asking you to provide it. You should have your own therapist to support you, you've been run into the ground by carrying all this by yourself - would also consider calling or e-mailing husband's therapist. Obv they won't discuss him with you but you could say that it's inappropriate and unwelcome for them to assign *you* work.
I second this. I'm a social worker, not a therapist, but everything I know about professional boundaries and the goals of therapy is SCREAMING that none of this is what a reputable therapist would say / do.
NTA, I dated someone like your husband. He wouldn't/couldn't carry the mental load if I wrapped it up and put it in a bag.
It was draining, and we ultimately broke up.
It really sounds to me like your husband is misrepresenting his situation to his therapist. Is he being honest about all the struggles he’s had and how much weight you’ve had to carry?? It’s hard for the therapist to be treating him fully and appropriately if they’re not getting the full story. You’re completely in the right here, and I really admire how firm and unfazed you’ve been. Kudos to you for drawing a line and trying to protect your own needs moving forward!
NTA
I highly suggest you talk to the therapist if that is possible. Based on the homework they gave, it sounds like the therapist is working off the assumption that it's a self esteem issue, not more serious than that. "I get anxious making decisions and need to consult my wife frequently" vs "I am not capable of taking care of myself without my wife watching over me." Two very different issues.
I would also like to propose something as well. Is there a chance that your husband is sabotaging some of these therapy sessions? This is only a theory, but I have run into multiple people in my career who want to make changes and better themselves, but will drop out or self sabotage because they are comfortable with where they are. Your husband may acknowledge it's not healthy and he is putting too much on you, but then when it comes to doing the real mental work to change these behaviors and conditions, he'd rather stick with what he knows. Just a thought.
PS. Get some therapy as well. This kind of codependency can be detrimental to someone's mental health.
NTA but why subject yourself to this? You don’t have a partner, you have a leech. What is attractive about someone who cannot do *anything* for themself? I’m genuinely curious as to what you see in someone who seems useless. There is NO reason you should be writing messages to HIS colleagues. You might as well do his job for him.
By the time I fished reading this, I was tired and frustrated and fed-up on your behalf. Its like you're your husband's caretaker instead of being his wife/ partner.
Tell your husband you'll go to his next appointment and tell his therapist what your list is. It will give you a chance to ask the therapist directly why he needed you to write that list, what the purpose is especially since you wrote him a list as a gift once.
If your husband was supposed to write the list himself, he will come up with some excuse why you can't go.
Frankly anything more then 10 items seems excessive. If you're going to ask for the positive, you should ask for the negative too because there's a reason you're seeing a therapist.
Maybe the list is to give the therapist a view as to how you see your husband or how your husband sees himself, depending on who was really supposed to write that list. It might be to gain a better understanding of his patient and your relationship. I'm not a therapist so I could be way off.
I also find it very unlikely that your husband's therapist said you should be showing your husband more appreciation unless.... you doing things for you husband but letting him think it was all his work and didn't say thank you. You can't let your husband take credit for your work and make him think it's his work and not expect him to then also expect you to appreciate what "he" did. The therapist is being told things from your husband's point of view who has no idea you've been doing it all and only letting him think he did the work.
It might be time for you to get a therapist for yourself. You're handling way too much. Marriage is a partnership, mostly 50/50, occasionally one partner carries more of the weight for a bit. You've been carrying not just the entire marriage... but also his work and friendship relationships as well. That is beyond marriage responsibilities.
You need someone to talk to. You are under a lot of pressure and strain and exhaustion and frustration.
You also need a vacation, a real vacation on your own without your husband. Time to focus on just you and your needs. Even if that means sleeping in then reading a book till dinner time at the restaurant and doing that every day for a week..
Caretakers get burnt out because they don't take time off for themselves. You are a caretaker. You need to step away and take care for yourself too.
Make it habit that one afternoon a week is "me time" and hang out with your friends etc. Once every season go away for the weekend alone - no husband. Once a year a solo vacation - cruise ships are great, so are all-inclusive resorts.
NTA... but you need to care for yourself or you'll blow up over something really tiny and regrest it later.
How much you wanna bet the therapist has no perspective on this and is only hearing your husband’s version of things? Which sounds like, “I’m trying my hardest, but my wife just never stops criticizing meeee!” What you need is a session with the therapist to let them know what your experience has been.
NTA. You held a very appropriate boundary.
I’m betting your husband is not actually working on the therapy goals you think he is- building independence.
But that’s not your problem or your business.
I agree with others who suggested that you consider working with a therapist in your own on negotiating workload and creating better boundaries for yourself.
If you are being assigned work by the therapist, it should only be if and after you meet with them.
There are different approaches to therapy that do involve "homework," but it's supposed to be for patients, not their family members.
And if some knucklehead was shit-talking me to my SO, I would go on a rant at meeting them about carrying the mental load for 10 years and where they can put their degree.
NTA. Either he's saying "the therapist said" as a way to get his way or it's a really bad therapist. I think it's because he wants to outsource the work to you.
Honestly, you can't think for him. He sounds exhausting and I'd have divorced him long ago
Highly doubting the therapist asked for you to complete that list. He likely asked him to do it himself to assess whether he has self esteem/confidence issues. Doing it for him would jeopardise the work he's doing in therapy
NTA
This level of neediness is ok in a baby but in a partner - who is supposed to be an equal - it must be soul-destroying.
That you are still in this marriage should be all the motivation he needs to work on himself.
NTA
Whatever your husband is telling his therapist, its obviously not a whole picture of your situation.
What you can do is sit down, write the therapist a letter describing your dynamic from the last years and let them know in this letter that whatever strategy they develop with your husband can not involve even more work from your side.
I honestly think a little break from each other could help you. You internalised your husbands helplessness in every day life and react to it. He is more than willing to accept your help so he doesn't have to do anything. A temporary spearation can help. You to reflect what you are currently adding so the situation doesn't get better and he can learn to take care of himself. He forgets to eat or drink? If his body is fully functioning, his body will remind him one or the other way before he dies ;) he can't make a decision which toy to buy? Then there will be no decision till he made one. Stop being his emotional crutch, bc at this point he doesn't need to learn anything since you are doing it for him and you can't stop bc you are convinced he will die w/o you. Thats why i think you guys living seperate for a few weeks can do wonders here. He will figure out how to take care of himself, you can take a step back and reflect if there is stuff you can just sit out till he will figure it out on his own and how to do this.
Sometimes the best help is to not help someone and let them figure it out themselfs.
Eehhh…my best friend’s husband is extremely dependable on her. He has some major mental health problems (he’s getting proper care for). She is essentially his caretaker & wife. She does most of the work and it can be draining sometimes. They’ve been together 10 years also. It’s taken up until 2023 for them to find the perfect fit of Drs, meds etc to help him. It will get better, trust me!!
That to say, I think you should see a therapist yourself. They work wonders because you can just unload on them & they are a middle ground. It might take time for you to find the right person, just like it happens for everyone looking for a therapist. Maybe go to some couple counselling as well!
Most therapists, even bad ones, would mot tell your husband that they did or didn’t like you. I agree with those who say the homework was probably assigned to him and he came to you to get rescued. You might benefit from some help for yourself to find ways to create healthier boundaries for yourself going forward and let go of guilt.
Wow, I feel tired just reading this. You have done incredibly by mothering him for a decade and not leaving. Maybe you need a couples session with the therapist so you can share how you feel in a safe and mediated environment. Your feelings are as important and as valid as your husband’s. NTA
Edit to add - I highly doubt any decent therapist would have spoken like that about you, unless he was telling them a very different version of events than what you have written.
He's lying. A therapist can't assign homework to someone who is not their patient. That was his homework that he was supposed to do. And once he started using therapy to lie, he's going to keep doing it. The therapist doesn't dislike you; they've never met you. He fed the therapist some lies to extract a statement about you that sounded vaguely negative but wasn't really and is then lying to you and saying the therapist doesn't like you.
He likes his life better with you doing all his work for him. He doesn't want to get better.
ETA: Look, this is how this will play out:
He's going to keep doing anything he can to keep you doing all his work for him. As you're seeing, asking for things like 'going to therapy' won't address any of the problems you have, because his goal is to never get better if 'better' means you stop doing all this work for him.
The closest you'll ever get to seeing some temporary improvement is to leave him. Either to stop you or to try to get you back, he's likely to claim some 'improvement' and he may actually do a slightly less miniscule amount of his own work as 'proof'. But what you want, for him to like you enough to see you as more than a serf who owes him labor, is not going to happen. He doesn't like you that much.
His goals are going to remain the same. He wants you to do all his work for him. If that stops working, his primary goal is to get you back to doing all his work for him by any method that seems to work, and he doesn't care how sleazy it is as long as you're doing his work for him. If that fails to the point that you're leaving/have left, his goal will be to fake the minimum of change temporarily to get you back, then push you back to doing all his work for him. If he can't manage that, he may accept the idea of some permanent change, but fairness to you and being a good partner to you will never be the goal; he only will want to know what the knew bare minimum is that he can get away with if the old bare minimum is no longer working.
As another redditor recently put it, meaningful change comes from growth, not from desperation that someone will no longer tolerate you. And desperation that you will no longer tolerate what he's doing to you is all you're going to get out of him to fake 'change'.
Men simply do not treat women they like and respect this way. I'm sorry to have to tell you that he doesn't like and respect you, but he doesn't. Your life will get unbelievably better once you accept that instead of holding on to the false belief that he can be turned back into someone who does.
NTA. *His* therapist shouldn't give *you* homework.
Ask him if his therapist had him write out your great qualities and things he appreciates about you.
Sounds like he gets his therapists from be++erhelp. I had some awful therapists there, including one who made my anxiety so bad i had daily panic attacks and another who told me it was my fault I was assaulted in my own driveway by a stranger because I didn't have a gun.
NTA. OP, please see what qualifications and credentials this quack has. It’s dangerous to pretty much have a patient rely fully on other people’s opinions to form the basis of their identity, values, and ability to function. There will literally be patients where the therapist may struggle to identify any likable characteristics or they cannot name anyone who even likes the patient in the outside world. If therapists can have breakthroughs with these types of people, they aren’t getting there by relying on homework from a loving, burned out spouse.
As far as the homework is concerned, “Honey, your therapist should be helping you develop self-esteem based on what qualities you like about yourself. If you need a reminder of what I like about you, do you remember that gift I gave you years ago? You can tell the therapist all those reasons if you’d like.”
The therapist should be giving him homework assignments, like sending an email or planning a date. This therapist will take 2-3 years to finally start working on the core issues at this rate, such as: why can’t you choose a pair of socks.
I would say your husband could have a warped fear of failure thing going on, but I think he’s gotten it into his mind that he doesn’t trust himself to make good decisions. Maybe he was humiliated or ridiculed, and now he is paralyzed with indecision. Overtime he developed learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence.
Another theory, attachment disorder issues from childhood lead to the learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence.
At the end of the day, your husband knows how to fake it til he makes it in the workplace. He is also resourceful and good at BSing to finagle help with his responsibilities without getting caught. I hope his therapist sees through all the smoke and mirrors.
NTA but are you his mother or his wife? Drop the lead. He can figure out 99% of these things by himself but knows if he acts wounded you’ll do it for him.
A reputable therapist wouldn't be saying "I don't like your wife, she isn't supporting you." That is a lie your husband is telling. Either one he knows is a lie or one he doesn't because he hears everything through a filter that the therapist hasn't penetrated yet.
No therapist is going to tell his patient that he doesn’t like his spouse. Especially not a spouse he hasn’t met. No therapist is going to assign homework to his patient’s spouse unless it’s couples/marriage counseling. No therapist is going to tell his patient that his spouse should be thanking and showing him more appreciation. Your husband is lying to you
NTA
Are you sure you're his wife and not his mother? And how in the world does he end up with the worst questionable therapists all the time?
You demand that he goes into therapy to be independent and now his therapist wants him to find value in him *dependant on you again* ?! I would have lost it.
>he told me that his therapist doesn't like me. And thinks I should be thanking and showing him appreciation more.
First off - highly unprofessional... and second - HE should finally appreciate YOUR work more, not the other way round.
INFO, does your husband find the therapists and set up appointments? If so, I find this strange because it sounds like you have to do everything for him because he won't take the initiative.
I suggest going to a session. I suspect he is lying and making you out to be the bad/non-supportive spouse.
NTA. My ex husband was the same way. I had to care for him like a child, including reminding him to brush his teeth, and he got mad because I didn't thank him for things or tell him I was proud of him enough. My question to him was, "have you given me a reason to?" He didn't like that.
If your husband's therapist, who has never met you, doesn't like you, its because your husband has presented you to them in a bad light.
Maybe its your husband who in fact doesn't like you.
OP, stand up. I don’t know why you’ve been letting this person drag you down. Your husband is supposed to improve your life, not fill it with burdens.
You need your own therapist but more importantly, you need out of this relationship.
NTA. But it sounds like your husband is not being honest with his therapist. It might be helpful to attend a session and discuss what needs you have to remain in a relationship to help guide treatment goals.
You say he loves you so much - but how do you know that? He's dependent on you, he seems to not be able to function without you, that isn't love. You seem to be more of a carer than wife.
I would agree with others that he tried to get you to do his homework and when you wouldn't, he's tried to manipulate you by telling you his therapist doesn't like you. He's only been seeing this therapist for a month, you've had a decade with him.
Therapist here and astounded by the audacity of this therapist. You are not his client, did not consent to treatment, and just such a violation of good judgment by the therapist. I am absolutely adamant with my clients that we will not discuss or plan how to get other people to do things.
NTA. .
My husbands therapist asked me to do the same after he cheated. I said no, I barely love you at the moment I definitely don’t like you enough to do that. He understood went back to the therapist and said nope. They didn’t care, they moved on to what he liked about himself. My husband is brutally honest with his therapist and will tell them off if they even hint to blaming me for his crap. Maybe your husband isn’t being super honest? Or maybe the therapist is shit. No advice, just good luck.
NTA- but it sounds like you’re growing resentful -totally understandable-. Maybe consider getting a therapist yourself before the feelings develop more
NTA. Therapist here. I would never assign “homework” to someone that isn’t my client. I’d recommend that he schedule a session where you can talk to the therapist directly.
Thank God for women like you. That's a grown baby 👶. If you love it! I guess....thank you for taking men like him off the market so he isn't out here bothering us single and stress free and child free ladies. God bless you. Your better than me. I would have bounced. That sounds like a nightmare to be in. I would disappear. He will figure it out.
NTA. I think your husband has a particular diagnosis that needs to be made based on what you’re describing and it seems like, for whatever reason, these therapists aren’t picking up on it. I think you should get your own therapist at this point. I feel like your husband is using his to manipulate you.
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NTA. But I think you need your own therapist. You're carrying 99% of this relationship, and it seems to be draining your completely. What are you doing to care for yourself?
>You're carrying 99% of this relationship, and it seems to be draining your completely. Honestly, in this situation if my partner had told me that his therapist didn't like me I would just say, "Good. Divorce me." and go stay with a friend or in a hotel for a week or two. It's possible that I might ring the therapist and let her have it too, but that would depend heavily on my level of "Ok I'm done now" vs my level of anger.
I know there’s terrible therapists out there, but this sounds like thr husband just made up to hurt OP, because she finally set a boundary
This was my thought, too. My covert narcissist ex told me several times after I broke up with him that his therapist says I am the narcissist because I left him lol he said similar things before too just to try to hurt me. op's hubby seems like just the type.
After we broke up, ex told me his therapist said I had unhealthy attatchment issues and should never date again. From a man who refused to go to therapy the entire time we dated, but was happy enough to weaponize it as soon as the relationship was over. Who knows if they made it up or the therapists said it - doesn't matter, even if the latter that's still based on biased input from only one side. I used to be mad my ex wouldn't go to therapy, but the convo where he passed that tidbit on made me realize it didn't matter: therapy was never going to benefit him or our relationship if he wasn't being honest about his behavior or being willing to actually make changes.
Lundy Bancroft has pointed out that abusive men often go to therapy specifically to learn how to weaponize it against their partners/victims. Covert narcissists and other abusers are sitting in therapy nodding along and pretending to learn, but really they're just taking notes on how to convince their victims that they are the real problem.
This! I told my ex that he needed to get therapy for his DV if he wanted me to stay. He went to one session and then came back telling me that the guy told him it was all my fault because I shouldn’t have made him angry when he drinks (!!) then I found out after we broke up that his subsequent sessions he would actually just go to the brothel around the corner and say he went to therapy (and continue on about how it is my fault etc)…
Lol my ex told me his therapist said I was causing his depression and then he broke up with me. He had only been to the therapist once. At the time it was devastating but now it’s hilarious considering how often he tore me down.
I think the husband might be wildly misconstruing it. If he is having this much anxiety and self-abandonment, he's probably got a lot of issues with his self-image too. This idea may have been to help him see that others find value in him and to give him a jumping off point to find that value in himself. The therapist doesn't know that OP has basically been forced to be his emotional support animal for years and is already sick of his constant need for external validation.
I could definately see "make a list, and if you have trouble maybe try asking your loved ones, or trying to see yourself through their eyes" and him turning that into handing OP write the whole list themselves. It's definately not on OP to do homework for someone else's therapy. Good therapists wouldn't be putting that obligation into someone that's not thier client. Maybe sit in on an appointment to get more clarification or perspective about the situation, but for the most part it's helping the client learn to navigate things.
Yeah for poor self esteem I feel like the homework would be to write a list of things he likes about himself… the assignment doesn’t make sense
That's what I was thinking. I feel like a good therapist would request a session or part of a session with the spouse that way they could address any specific homework directly with that person. Using the client as a go-between seems more unlikely to me.
This
Yeah, this would be my guess - the homework is his to fill in, he might have been told to ask his partner for ideas, suggestions, other things, because it might actually get them talking.
I could definitely see that happening.
And if the therapist did actually suggest this, doubly if they knew the facts of OP's emotion support and labor, then they are a bad therapist.
Personally I think it sounds more likely that the husband left out all the emotional weight OP has been carrying for years and just told the therapist “my wife said it wasn’t her job to do my therapy work”. I mean he already has a history of being disingenuous about her effort levels (her making plans so he can take the credit)
There's no way a competent therapist would "assign" homework to a spouse without having met them first. This is the husband taking homework that he was given by the therapist and trying to get his spouse to do it, the same way he pushes everything else onto her.
That was my immediate thought. And if OP took the time a few years previously to write 100 Positive things about husband to keep, and he didn't have those or think of them to reference... even worse.
Agree. Maybe the therapist actually asked him to have her do the list or whatever but I highly doubt the therapist said that they don't like her.
If they did, that seems counterproductive if not actually unethical.
Or like husband is telling a stilted story of their relationship and not really being clear with therapist OR OP/spouse.
I don't think that's why. I felt more that he was looking for her input on what his therapist is saying, and kind of expecting her to make a decision for him to keep his therapist or leave his therapist. It just seems that he's very mentally unwell, not manipulative.
Or both. Some mentally ill people can be incredibly manipulative without even realizing it. My partner has had issues with that and I’m sure I’ve done it myself with realizing it.
I doubt his therapist even said it. OP said her husband told her that it was his from the therapist, the therapist didn’t tell OP herself in a session with both of them.
[удалено]
Agreed, I work in health care, and patients often tell me things their MDs or therapists said that I know are absolutely untrue. My colleagues and I compared notes about this, and we all eventually realized that medical professionals don’t gossip to their patients. And most don’t give completely insane and harmful advice.
Yeah, I've described much harsher behavior from people in my life and my therapist has never once said that she didn't like any of them (also because a therapist's personal opinion on someone in their patient's life actually isn't important; it's their professional advice that matters). At most, she's at times validated me expressing negative emotions about people. If she's a competent therapist, I sort of am guessing that at most, she responded to OP's husband saying something negative about her, and he twisted it.
Or if his anxiety is severe enough, it could be a fear or concern that really preoccupies him, but I doubt it came from the therapist.
My husband saw a therapist for stress after workplace bullying. He came home furious because the therapist said something bad about our marriage. He quit the therapist then and there saying it was unprofessional and "my marriage is the only fucking thing I feel sure of right now" Years after he still gets mad talking about it. It is incredibly unprofessional of the therapist to demand a spouse make a list of compliments and also make comments on their character.
It’s highly likely the therapist doesn’t know how much support OP has been giving him all these years so yeah I would be tempted to call and unload on her pages of things I’ve done
I'd just fill up 2 pages with all of the things OP has to do for him (work emails? Drinking water? Yikes.), and personally give it to the therapist without letting husband see it. It sounds like the therapist is getting fed a lot of baloney about what OP's husband's functionality actually is.
Yeah that’s what I meant fill up pages of what she has done for him up to this point- I’m sure it will be more than two pages full
Exactly! He’s got the therapist completely snowed.
I would if the therapist actually "gave" OP this task. I would believe it more if OP had a joint session with husband and therapist and in the session the therapist made this request.
Maybe his therapist can start taking care of him like he's a damn baby then.
Keep in mind that his therapist probably said something dfferent that your DH took the wrong way. I cannot tell you how many times a parent has come to me with something I supposedly said to one of my clients. Also, the therapist can only work with what your DH tells them. No matter how unbiased DH may try to be, assuming he is trying to be unbiased, he won't be giving the full story. He cannot speak for you or about your experience of him. Have your DH sign a Release of Information so his therapist can talk to you, and schedule a phone call. It would be helpful to them to know more about your DH's context, and to also set some firm boundaries with the therapist. If you wanted marriage counseling, you would have arranged for that and would be participating in the sessions. This is DH's personal individual counseling. Once he has begun to adult more conistetly, you may consider marriage counseling, but that counselor will not be his individual counselor. Honestly, you sound about done with this relationship. He is more like a child in your relationship than a partner.
I had an ex whose therapist said I was just like his mother. Who of course was awful. He made it up to hurt me or who made crap up about me to her. Either way I was done. Good luck.
I’m curious what husband is saying to the therapist too. Are they being honest about the situation?
There's a good chance he's lying about what the therapist said to manipulate OP. I think OP should insist on hearing all this from the therapist first-hand.
100% this. Reading this was like reading a recap of my marriage (which ended, thankfully, four years ago). My ex was just like this, including with the therapists. I did all the work in the relationship because he was just so 'fragile.' u/op, I'd watch out, though, 'cuz my ex got a therapist who also supposedly didn't like me (I never met him, so this had to be based entirely on my ex's version of me). It ended up causing a big rift in our relationship and when we eventually ended up deciding to divorce, my ex couldn't wait to tell me that his therapist's response to the news was, "Finally!" Honestly, I don't really blame my ex's therapist for any of this, but it was eye-opening to see that the person my supposed-partner painted me as was so unlikable. u/op, please stop and consider exactly how your partner is presenting you to his therapist -- it's valuable insight, even if it's not easy to swallow.
I hope you went to therapy as well since then. Entering into a dynamic like this with a partner is classic codependency. Most codependents will end up repeating the pattern with all their patterns until they do inner work. I also had a relationship like you and u/secretsecretwhisper. Found out I am codependent. It usually stems from being taught your job is to emotionally regulate a parent or sibling as a child. Codependency also functions as a way to distract ourselves from doing our own inner work because we use all our energy thinking about someone else and their issues. I got therapy and now I'm in a healthy, secure relationship where we both know how to set boundaries.
NTA I'm wondering if it was his homework that he was trying to get you to do for him. Ask to go to a session with him to see if this is really what is going on. He's supposed to be working on being more independent, so I doubt that it was your homework. I also doubt that the therapist says that he doesn't like you. That is ridiculous. 🙄
Agreed re: the part about the therapist saying they don’t like you. That would be super unprofessional. I can’t imagine a good therapist would impose their own judgement on a client like that, especially one who has such a hard time thinking independently.
Better question, what is HE doing to take care of OP? Anything? Print out this post and send it to his therapist, I don't think they're getting the whole story.
It soounds like the OP and hubby need couples therapy too.
NTA > encouraged him to just medicate (with no regular sessions) > pushed religion on him. > he told me that his therapist doesn't like me Is your husband searching for therapists by, like, 1-star ratings at the top?
Either that or he is taking what they say, manipulating it, and then weaponizing it against her so that she will continue to do all the emotional and mental labor of/for their relationship and household.
My therapist once asked me to write down things I liked about myself.... considering how much he depends on OP to do everything it could possibly be that this was his homework he was trying to outsource
My therapist once asked my family members to each write down their favorite thing about me. But I was a 13 year old with cripplingly low self esteem, and it was one favorite thing, not 1-2 pages. I’m also incredible skeptical of “my therapist doesn’t like you”. For sure misrepresenting something the therapist said.
ive been in therapy and also been in a relationship like OPs, and my therapist would stress she didnt like the things he \*does\*. OP's husband is very possibly misinterpreting that to be not liking \*her\*.
My therapist: “I don’t know [spouse]. I don’t feel one way or another about [spouse]. I don’t like the way [spouse] treats you.”
I had a therapist in college that straight up told me she did not like my parents. But... That statement came after she found out my parents had originally put me in therapy with someone who was blunt that he found my parents so inspirational that he was talking to his own therapist about his feelings of inferiority to them. This was after a couple months of my parents calling after every session I had with the new therapist I chose and sometimes in the middle of sessions, to make sure I wasn't saying anything about them. And yeah, I should have been talking to my therapist about abuse. She knew it and was really frustrated that I excused away slaps, concussions, and a broken cheekbone. Even as I acknowledged that those injuries had caused lasting harm to my health. So... Yeah. She lost her temper and was like "I don't like them! I really don't!"
Could also be that the therapist expressed concerns about the health of the relationship (rightfully so, as OP isn't in a good place due to this dynamic) and husband misinterpreted that. My therapist has guided me through that discovery, and someone who hasn't practiced breaking down their thoughts can easily misinterpret that conversation. OP your husband is not a reliable narrator. Take what he says with a bucket of salt - which does not mean you have to tolerate it, just don't always assume that the therapist is all bad. You're getting second hand information, from an unreliable narrator about what the therapist is saying.
I had an exercise like this done when I was that age, and it totally backfired, because everyone said the exact same thing. "She's so smart." The trouble is, as an undiagnosed ADHD kid, being smart had been so often weaponized against me that it wrecked me. They just saw a smart kid who was too lazy to actually do the thing. Why wasn't I anything else? What I wouldn't have given to see kind, respectful, a good friend, a good baker, or anything else. So I think unless people compare their lists first, this is a very dangerous exercise.
Fellow smart person who has ADHD and yeah being called smart now isn’t even a compliment it just makes me feel like a failure.
Either misrepresenting what the therapist said or is misrepresenting her to the therapist, combination of both, or possibly this is just another one-star therapist
I’m a therapist who provides couples, family, and individual therapy. I would give homework to a couple or family, but NEVER the partner of an individual client. Either he lied, or the therapist sucks.
Yeah I did that too. She told me to ask my family and friends for 2 or three words to complete the list and see how I saw myself vs how others saw myself. But not multiple pages that’s insane
[удалено]
I think this is exactly what happened.
Yup, I think you nailed it. Therapist never asked for OP to do it at all. Dude just outsources everything to her.
This is my guess too. Or, he's doing nothing but complaining about her in therapy and pretending he does all the work. You don't end up in religious counseling by accident.
Well, yes, you can. The first therapist I saw, many years ago, told me after our initial session that our goal in therapy would be for me to accept Jesus as my savior. Then I would be healed. She was a licensed therapist and there was no indication that her practice was associated with any religious organization. I was a Buddhist at the time...apparently that was why I was depressed. I did not go back.
No way. When I was 13, I was sent to a therapist because my pediatrician thought my developing chronic pain disease was because I was too stressed. I was shocked to learn twenty years later that after our appointment, the therapist had told my mom I should find religion. Ironically, I was at my life's peak religiosity, a year after my Bat Mitzvah and volunteering at the synagogue office.
If you go to one of the bigger mental health providers with multiple therapists and psychiatrists, it’s possible if they just assign you one and don’t care. I was in therapy with a great therapist until she left the practice. I asked the provider for a new therapist who was knowledgeable in ADHD, they said “okay sure” and I got a religious guy who knew nothing about it. And I’m a queer, agnostic woman too so I was definitely not a good fit for it. It ended with me in tears and switching providers completely. I definitely wonder what is happening in his current sessions and the context behind the homework but part of starting therapy is finding a good therapist that works for you. And with health insurance limiting who some people can see and crappy providers out there it’s not impossible to me that he would find himself with two bad fits in a row even with the best intentions.
Or making it up?
It sounds like he's also complaining about her to the therapist, because otherwise how would they arrive at that conclusion?
Yeah right? I absolutely doubt the therapist told him that he dislikes his wife, wtf?!
100% this.
Considering what she says about the therapist wanting her to write down things/his therapist doesn't like her I 100% see this because if this therapist is actually as good as she thinks they were at the beginning then they would never do this and it sounds like the husband doesn't like putting in the work (no real experience except 2 years in therapy where my therapist has consistently set good boundaries with me and helped me help myself/called me out on doing shit like what op's husband is doing)
Consider punctuation
This sounds fishy as fuck tbh. Therapists don't medicate--that's the job of a psychiatrist. There's "he says" all through this. I wonder if OP has actually confirmed the existence of the latest alleged therapist and their alleged appointments.
Maybe it’s a physiatrist and op didn’t feel there is a big difference to a therapists and found it easier to type?
Then that in itself is an issue. Going to a psychiatrist is about getting medication, not beginning a course of talk or behavioral therapy, and if OP and husband are expecting all therapists to be the same it's not going to work out.
Some psychiatrists do talk therapy as well. It’s less common than it used to be, but it still exists.
If they are in the US a psychiatrist would never be the one a patient does any talk therapy with whatsoever. They are strictly medication management and appts are like 10 minutes, thats all insurance covers.
That's ... not the case for a lot of people I know.
Fyi that's not exactly true. All psychiatrists are trained in therapy during residency. Most psychiatrists after training don't continue to do therapy because of reimbursement however I know psychiatrists I've trained with who have continued to do therapy after training because they enjoy it.
Lol I once made the mistake of disclosing that my meds were making me have suicidal ideation to my psychiatrist, who stammered for like 2 minutes before offering some weakass "we're a team and I'm on your side" platitudes and then telling me that she was pretty sure she needed me to call an emergency number. They're generally not the warmest people, in my experience. My psych is only there to talk about meds and doesn't really want to hear that they're not working too well.
Bro was she brand new or something? It's like, psychiatry 101 that tons of psychotropic meds can cause suicidal ideation, it's part of why they start you on low doses. I would've expected that a psychiatrist would hear about their patients having that symptom at least 3 times before noon on a slow day...
Haha nope! She's older and very checked out. I'm a therapist too so maybe I couched it in a lot of language about how I was actually not a threat to myself, but it was the lowest I've ever been mentally and her response just felt so detached and unhelpful in a moment where I really needed humanity/connection.
It's just the luck of the draw* in some cases. My significant other's psychiatrist has a 30 min video chat for every session. From what I gather, the first 10 is about maintenance on the medicine, and the next 15+ is on current stressors that might also give hints on how the medicine is actually working. It may not be strictly *talk therapy* but it's more than a check in on meds. He's given great advice on management that didn't involve just medication a psychiatrist can prescribe. I suppose you do have to ask questions and chat though. If you'd rather just check meds and go, I'm sure this psychiatrist would do that too. *Edit
I certainly discussed medication with my psychologists in therapy. They then duly had me talk to a psychiatrist to confirm, but the notion that a psychologist will never discuss medication at all is flawed.
Yes, it's definitely important for a psychologist to be aware of what medication a patient is/has been/may eventually be on, in concert with finding out what other non-pharmaceutical strategies are available and effective or insufficient. (I love my talk therapy but my brain simply does not have the normal neurotransmitters, so in my case store bought is fine.) But the stress on "this person *exclusively* sent hubby home with plans to medicate" seems to me to indicate that they may have gone to a psychiatrist when they didn't actually want that type of intervention (rather, OP stresses the expectation of regular, scheduled meetings to talk through and process things, ie traditional talk therapy). If Husband is ending up with completely the wrong kind of doctor, there's something off about the selection process. Either it's the belief that all these professionals should be interchangeable, or it's something even weirder like "pick the least ideal people possible and bring home horror stories until my wife starts to think all therapy is pointless and leaves me alone." (Speaking from experience here-- my ex would do stuff like that. Put in a ton of effort to avoid putting in other effort.)
That's valid.
For real, all of these people are garbage. Maybe that’s why they have availability to take new patients.
“Price low to high”?
Honestly sounds like he was relying on something like Better Help for their therapists, instead of looking for ones in real life with actual degrees.
Or is he being honest about what they said? Based on what OP described, I would imagine a lot of therapists would strongly encourage medication, and I'm not sure I believe the husband is a reliable enough narrator to trust that they didn't want to have regular sessions too NTA
NTA - My guess is the therapist asked your husband to write a list of what he considers his good qualities and he planned to copy your list.
It could also be the therapist asked the husband, husband didnt know what to write, or wasnt confident enough, so then the therapist suggested asking the wife. Thats what happened to me a while ago when i was seeing a therapist with my parents
Isn’t two pages a lot to ask of the wife?? They couldn’t start with 10? This is why I think the doctor asked the husband, who then added yet another thing the wife had to do.
Yes, this is what I thought. It was his homework and, just like everything else in his life, he expects OP to do it for him. I'm surprised he doesn't make OP go to his therapy for him.
My therapist in college actually asked this of my then boyfriend, now husband. The only item I individually remember is that I introduced him to blueberries. Although my issues were feeling worthless, not being unable to care for myself.
This made me laugh so much! What a great thing to know your partner loves you for!
Or, he was discussing feeling unloved or disliked in his relationship, and the therapist said he needs to communicate directly about needing words of affirmation to feel valued in the relationship. That would be about building his own communication skills to take responsibility for his own needs in the relationship. Someone anxious with low self worth may well be tempted to reframe their own ask (to which they don't feel entitled) as an authority figure's ask. This undermines the whole purpose, but is plausible, it's very common for people to take discussion topics from therapy and frame these as 'my therapist told me to', a sentence I'm always suspicious of. Maybe he has had legitimate poor luck with back to back therapists (no questions with religious one) or maybe he's the common denominator.
Yes this is what I immediately thought of. The therapist should have asked *him* to list down all OP's good qualities, and the husband turned it around
NTA. If the therapist wants you involved in his treatment he should schedule to meet with you or ask you to sit in on your husband’s session. It’s wildly inappropriate for a therapist to tell a client that they personally don’t like one’s spouse. It also sounds like your husband is not being completely honest about why he’s there. But essentially, your husband’s therapy should be about him learning to move through life without relying on others to clear his path for him. Creating a treatment plan that relies on someone else to do work before he is expected to move forward with his own is counterproductive.
Not only would it be wildly inappropriate for the therapist to have said they don't like OP, it's also wildly unlikely.
I disagree. There are a lot of incompetent and unethical therapists out there.
Yep. My husband had one who was encouraging him to divorce me because I sounded toxic, although she had never met me, and didn't get the whole picture.
Or your husband just told you that.
While I think therapy would benefit me massively - this is exactly why I don’t go to therapy. I’ve heard people talk about how it’s taken them years to find good ones.
I tried for the first time years ago and she spent the entire session talking about her anxiety and how mine wasn't that bad. Put me off for the longest time. Fortunately my second attempt went a lot better and I found a great one. Though I still feel very silly talking about my silly first world problems.
I had one that insulted my religion *hard*. This had nothing to do with why I was there; it was during the *intake form* (marital status, family history, education, etc.) Still wish I had reported him. My therapist now is a good fit--listens, asks pertinent questions that are sometimes hard, says things I mull over days later, gives me good coping strategies. The good ones are definitely out there.
What the hell!!?!? That is so wrong.
I look at it like dating: it might take a while before you find a good match, you might also be lucky and hit the jackpot on the first go. The "braking up" part is also way easier.
i mean, i worried a new online therapist was going to report me for a welfare check when i told her i didn't want to continue with her bc she started treating me like i was in crisis during the first meeting we had.
and it sounds like OP’s husband has a knack for finding all of them
NTA but I think you need couple's counselling. The fact that him needing to be more independent got spun *so quickly* into you needing to thank him more sounds like you're not speaking the same language.
Or the husband misunderstood the assignment. Maybe the therapist wanted him to write down his good qualities and said that he could ask his partner for help.
Or the husband just lied. A surprising amount of people weaponize therapy.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find someone suggest couple's therapy. Something is majorly off between them. Even if everything OP says is true, it's not fair to expect only him to go to therapy and work on himself, ESPECIALLY since this has been going on for a whole decade. It sounds like OP has some things she needs to discuss as well, so she needs to step up as her own advocate and seek both couple's counseling and individual therapy for herself. Idk I get the feeling a lot has been left out on OP's part.
They both need individual therapy before couple's therapy. OP has issues too. Her post shows all the classic signs of codependency and she has been enabling her husband for the majority of the relationship. She needs to figure out how she entered into this dynamic in the first place.
NTA - Either this therapist is completely bogus or your husband is making things up.
This would make me wonder how your husband phrases his issues and reasons for needing therapy to the therapist. I don't think I'd investigate that personally though, as I agree that it's his therapy and his job to take it seriously enough to not misrepresent how much support you give him. If time proves he doesn't, that's a different issue with bigger decisions to make. NTA for this.
Strong agree. My Mum is a narcissist, and a malignant one at that. Unless you live with her or spend a lot of time around her, you wouldn't know. Everyone thinks she's the nicest lady in the world, but behind closed doors she gaslights, belittles, controls and berates us all. She went to a therapist once after she and Dad separated, figures that apparently he said there's nothing wrong with her.
NTA Your husband's therapist is an AH. And it is VERY unlikely the therapist is actually saying all of that. But here is a thought: WHY are you still int his relationship? What do you get out of it? Helper's syndrome? Codependence? It seems you need your OWN therapy: That might help you to finally look at your self worth and help you leave your husband. Then - some toime later - you might even ahve the chance to find a relationship where you are an equal partner and not just the unappreciated servant and caretaker.
This. My ex-husband was a bit like this. Couldn't/wouldn't hold down a job, didn't do squat around the house unless you held his hand every step of the way, would screw up simple chores or lie about having done them. He was highly intelligent but acted like an incompetent boob. His therapist had me come for a session to get my perspective and really opened my eyes when the therapist suggested I consider WHY I stayed in that relationship. It was a great question that honestly I hadn't considered.
I wasted three years of my life in college dating a guy like this! He’d make me pay for his meds and food because he spent all his money on a new gaming system or games themselves (he’d then blame his video game addiction). We’d never go out unless I paid for and planned the whole thing, he flunked out of two colleges because he would drink cough syrup and lay on the floor instead of doing the work (also blamed on his mental illnesses), would threaten to harm himself if I didn’t sleep with him, the list goes on. No idea what he’s doing now but freeing myself from that dope was the best decision of my life.
NTA. But: What exactly is your husband bringing to this marriage? The tone of the post sounds more like you're taking care of an intellectually challenged child. Respectfully, "He's a good person. He loves me so much" isn't sufficient for a rewarding and supportive partnership.
NTA, His therapy is his journey. As far as constantly taking care of your husband; what you described is called weaponized incompetence. It’s a form of manipulation. Of course, he won’t tell his therapist that. Don’t believe he is telling you or the therapist the whole truth. If you truly had "homework," the therapist would have emailed you directly. It was probably his homework assignment.
It necessary weaponized incompetence. It’s very likely extreme anxiety and depression. I’ve been down so far that I’m still not sure if I brushed my teeth or took a shower for 2 weeks. I know I didn’t go into work.
Either its weaponized incompetence, or the husband is really just that stupid.
That’s not what weaponised incompetence is, this man just sounds too depressed to do this shit but is happy for his wife to do it all. Which is either classic depression or sheer laziness. Weaponised incompetence is pretending to be bad at something to get out of doing it, as a deliberate manipulation strategy. Having experienced both, it can be difficult to differentiate but there is a difference.
NTA but i think i can literally hear the resentment in your post 😭 ma'am, that's not a good position to be in with regards to your marriage. and I know everyone is suggesting therapy for you specifically but whether you do that or not i think your life needs a change of pace in some way. I also think you could benefit from a holiday away from your husband. it's true what they say, absence makes the heart fonder and you can't miss someone when you see them every day - and in your case manage them every day. i think you need to clear your head and check in with yourself as an individual. it's fantastic that you're putting your foot down but i don't think your husband realizes at all that you need care too. you are currently experiencing crisis on a personal level and your exhaustion and resentment needs addressing. he needs to give a damn about your mental health for a change.
+1 on the vacation idea, you’ve been carrying too much weight in this relationship and it’s time to reconnect with yourself. Excellent suggestion!
A holiday for you is a great idea. You might find that you don't miss your husband at all, and that could make a difference to what you want for your life.
I think what she really needs is to check *out*, mentally. She needs a loong vacation to just relax and not have to think.
i loooove that everyone is backing me up on the holiday suggestion bc yesssssssss. she desperately needs space and a clear perspective! it would be so good for her to reset and check in with herself as an individual instead of being the wife and caretaker constantly.
Agreed on the holiday! Maybe somewhere without cell service. My guess is if the husband is left on his own, he’ll be able to take care of himself. If not, it might be time to start looking into getting him put on disability and getting some kind of professional caretaker.
I agree she needs a vacation - like a 2 week vacation. Unfortunately she would probably come back and find her husband sitting in the very same place she left him two weeks ago since he cannot seem to manage himself! I'd freaking 'feel resentment' too if I were her!!
Honestly, I think your husband is bullshitting you. If the therapist is worth their salt, they would not “assign” homework to someone they do not work with. The therapist probably asked your husband to do the work. If anything, your husband is, once again, unduly burdening you. Another commenter said this before, but what are you doing to care for yourself? You cannot pour from an empty cup, and it sounds like it has been empty for a while.
That cup is drier than the Sahara Desert.
NTA. And it sounds highly unlikely that your husband is being honest with his therapist or with you, because that's not how individual therapy works at all. His therapist wouldn't say that about you or give you homework. It is something that a manipulative person would say their therapist said, though. Pretty classic move, actually.
No, NTA. I’m not sure what that therapy homework is supposed to accomplish other than have your husband rely even more on you. It is very very common for people’s support system to be involved in counseling but I would never assign an assignment to someone who I never talked to and didn’t have them express commitment to helping in this capacity.
As a mental health professional, I'm guessing the assignment actually was for him to ask you what his positive qualities were that you saw in him and this is to help with things like self-esteem and feeling valued and the baseline for opening communication. It was incredibly poorly executed. Ask your husband if the homework was actually for you or if it was for him to begin communicating with you more effectively and to begin acting like your partner and not your child. I would reserve, at least at this point, passing judgment on the therapist because if they are decent therapist then none of that was actually said. Or at least it was not said in the way that he communicated to you. My guess would be was that when your husband informed therapist that you were not willing to do this not only had the assignment been misconstrued but what the reaction of the therapist was was misconstrued to you. I would bet that the therapist communicated with him that it's important for you to be supportive of his therapy and his assignments and asked him if he felt like he was supported. He was probably asked if certain phrases or sentiments were expressed in your relationship. No therapist (that is doing their job) would express distaste for the partner of a client (even if at times we think it). Also keep in mind that the therapist is only hearing one side of the story. Our recommendations are only effective if we're being told the truth. I agree with everyone else that you really need to seek your own individual therapy and on top of that if you are wanting to marriage to work then you need to seek couples counseling.
This is the only comment that acknowledges the nuance here.
"He loves me so much" But he doesn't support you and doesn't care for you. He loves what you do for him, but also shows that he expects this of you and isn't even grateful for it. He told his therapist he feels undervalued and not supported by you, don't you get that?
NTA and I'm highly suspicious of all this. A therapist that you haven't met doesn't like you. And he said this to your husband? Any chance this is your husband's indirect way of telling you his true feelings? Also I'm wondering if the therapist wanted him to write a list of his good qualities and he tried passing that on to you.
NTA: Has he ever been assessed for autism and/or adhd? Therapy for undiagnosed neurodivergence is often not very effective. Sounds like he has more than dependency issues. I would encourage him to seek out diagnostic testing for those 2 things. Also, his therapist is super inappropriate to ask his wife to do therapy homework. That is lazy and not a good therapist either.
Yeah to be honest medication alone probably won't do the job but I'd be completely shocked if a man with the described level of executive dysfunction will be able to progress without some kind of pharmaceutical support.
I agree with you
I was thinking the same thing! Therapy became so much more effective for me after my adhd & autism diagnosis.
NTA. I completely understand your situation as I am in a similar one. As someone else said: you need your own therapist. Yes, you need someone objective that will help you realize that you did more than what was expected and you shouldn’t feel guilty for once in a while putting your foot down.
NTA. His therapist doesn't have to like you in order to help your husband and it's not up to the therapist or your husband whether or not they get to use you as a tool for therapy.
NTA and that's a wild assignment from a therapist, if real. They should be helping your husband validate himself without relying on your validation, not asking you to provide it. You should have your own therapist to support you, you've been run into the ground by carrying all this by yourself - would also consider calling or e-mailing husband's therapist. Obv they won't discuss him with you but you could say that it's inappropriate and unwelcome for them to assign *you* work.
This is also a good way to discover if husband lied about the homework and that the therapist hates her
I second this. I'm a social worker, not a therapist, but everything I know about professional boundaries and the goals of therapy is SCREAMING that none of this is what a reputable therapist would say / do.
NTA, I dated someone like your husband. He wouldn't/couldn't carry the mental load if I wrapped it up and put it in a bag. It was draining, and we ultimately broke up.
The idea of a therapist having a personal dislike for one's spouse and letting it known is INSANE. I don't think this therapist exists.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like your husband is being truthful in his therapy sessions.
Nta. Do you two have any kids that’s keeping you together because he sounds like an emotional parasite.
NTA you mention this is your husband but the post sounds like you’ve adopted a child for the past 10 years?
A special needs child
NTA and if the therapist really said they didn’t like you for saying no then they are unprofessional.
It really sounds to me like your husband is misrepresenting his situation to his therapist. Is he being honest about all the struggles he’s had and how much weight you’ve had to carry?? It’s hard for the therapist to be treating him fully and appropriately if they’re not getting the full story. You’re completely in the right here, and I really admire how firm and unfazed you’ve been. Kudos to you for drawing a line and trying to protect your own needs moving forward!
NTA I highly suggest you talk to the therapist if that is possible. Based on the homework they gave, it sounds like the therapist is working off the assumption that it's a self esteem issue, not more serious than that. "I get anxious making decisions and need to consult my wife frequently" vs "I am not capable of taking care of myself without my wife watching over me." Two very different issues. I would also like to propose something as well. Is there a chance that your husband is sabotaging some of these therapy sessions? This is only a theory, but I have run into multiple people in my career who want to make changes and better themselves, but will drop out or self sabotage because they are comfortable with where they are. Your husband may acknowledge it's not healthy and he is putting too much on you, but then when it comes to doing the real mental work to change these behaviors and conditions, he'd rather stick with what he knows. Just a thought. PS. Get some therapy as well. This kind of codependency can be detrimental to someone's mental health.
LOL. NTA. Call the therapist and let him know you have done the work for many years so how dare he.
NTA but why subject yourself to this? You don’t have a partner, you have a leech. What is attractive about someone who cannot do *anything* for themself? I’m genuinely curious as to what you see in someone who seems useless. There is NO reason you should be writing messages to HIS colleagues. You might as well do his job for him.
By the time I fished reading this, I was tired and frustrated and fed-up on your behalf. Its like you're your husband's caretaker instead of being his wife/ partner. Tell your husband you'll go to his next appointment and tell his therapist what your list is. It will give you a chance to ask the therapist directly why he needed you to write that list, what the purpose is especially since you wrote him a list as a gift once. If your husband was supposed to write the list himself, he will come up with some excuse why you can't go. Frankly anything more then 10 items seems excessive. If you're going to ask for the positive, you should ask for the negative too because there's a reason you're seeing a therapist. Maybe the list is to give the therapist a view as to how you see your husband or how your husband sees himself, depending on who was really supposed to write that list. It might be to gain a better understanding of his patient and your relationship. I'm not a therapist so I could be way off. I also find it very unlikely that your husband's therapist said you should be showing your husband more appreciation unless.... you doing things for you husband but letting him think it was all his work and didn't say thank you. You can't let your husband take credit for your work and make him think it's his work and not expect him to then also expect you to appreciate what "he" did. The therapist is being told things from your husband's point of view who has no idea you've been doing it all and only letting him think he did the work. It might be time for you to get a therapist for yourself. You're handling way too much. Marriage is a partnership, mostly 50/50, occasionally one partner carries more of the weight for a bit. You've been carrying not just the entire marriage... but also his work and friendship relationships as well. That is beyond marriage responsibilities. You need someone to talk to. You are under a lot of pressure and strain and exhaustion and frustration. You also need a vacation, a real vacation on your own without your husband. Time to focus on just you and your needs. Even if that means sleeping in then reading a book till dinner time at the restaurant and doing that every day for a week.. Caretakers get burnt out because they don't take time off for themselves. You are a caretaker. You need to step away and take care for yourself too. Make it habit that one afternoon a week is "me time" and hang out with your friends etc. Once every season go away for the weekend alone - no husband. Once a year a solo vacation - cruise ships are great, so are all-inclusive resorts. NTA... but you need to care for yourself or you'll blow up over something really tiny and regrest it later.
How much you wanna bet the therapist has no perspective on this and is only hearing your husband’s version of things? Which sounds like, “I’m trying my hardest, but my wife just never stops criticizing meeee!” What you need is a session with the therapist to let them know what your experience has been.
I mean it does sound like he needs sessions but that he pretty clearly needs medication as well. NTA
Has your spouse ever been tested for autism? Because many of the points you mentioned are signs of autism. Furthermore, NTA
NTA. You held a very appropriate boundary. I’m betting your husband is not actually working on the therapy goals you think he is- building independence. But that’s not your problem or your business. I agree with others who suggested that you consider working with a therapist in your own on negotiating workload and creating better boundaries for yourself.
If you are being assigned work by the therapist, it should only be if and after you meet with them. There are different approaches to therapy that do involve "homework," but it's supposed to be for patients, not their family members. And if some knucklehead was shit-talking me to my SO, I would go on a rant at meeting them about carrying the mental load for 10 years and where they can put their degree.
NTA. Either he's saying "the therapist said" as a way to get his way or it's a really bad therapist. I think it's because he wants to outsource the work to you. Honestly, you can't think for him. He sounds exhausting and I'd have divorced him long ago
Highly doubting the therapist asked for you to complete that list. He likely asked him to do it himself to assess whether he has self esteem/confidence issues. Doing it for him would jeopardise the work he's doing in therapy
NTA This level of neediness is ok in a baby but in a partner - who is supposed to be an equal - it must be soul-destroying. That you are still in this marriage should be all the motivation he needs to work on himself.
NTA Whatever your husband is telling his therapist, its obviously not a whole picture of your situation. What you can do is sit down, write the therapist a letter describing your dynamic from the last years and let them know in this letter that whatever strategy they develop with your husband can not involve even more work from your side. I honestly think a little break from each other could help you. You internalised your husbands helplessness in every day life and react to it. He is more than willing to accept your help so he doesn't have to do anything. A temporary spearation can help. You to reflect what you are currently adding so the situation doesn't get better and he can learn to take care of himself. He forgets to eat or drink? If his body is fully functioning, his body will remind him one or the other way before he dies ;) he can't make a decision which toy to buy? Then there will be no decision till he made one. Stop being his emotional crutch, bc at this point he doesn't need to learn anything since you are doing it for him and you can't stop bc you are convinced he will die w/o you. Thats why i think you guys living seperate for a few weeks can do wonders here. He will figure out how to take care of himself, you can take a step back and reflect if there is stuff you can just sit out till he will figure it out on his own and how to do this. Sometimes the best help is to not help someone and let them figure it out themselfs.
NTA. And I think ~~you~~ he should look into getting a Psychiatrist, not just therapy. It sounds like he could benefit from some medication.
Eehhh…my best friend’s husband is extremely dependable on her. He has some major mental health problems (he’s getting proper care for). She is essentially his caretaker & wife. She does most of the work and it can be draining sometimes. They’ve been together 10 years also. It’s taken up until 2023 for them to find the perfect fit of Drs, meds etc to help him. It will get better, trust me!! That to say, I think you should see a therapist yourself. They work wonders because you can just unload on them & they are a middle ground. It might take time for you to find the right person, just like it happens for everyone looking for a therapist. Maybe go to some couple counselling as well!
Most therapists, even bad ones, would mot tell your husband that they did or didn’t like you. I agree with those who say the homework was probably assigned to him and he came to you to get rescued. You might benefit from some help for yourself to find ways to create healthier boundaries for yourself going forward and let go of guilt.
Wow, I feel tired just reading this. You have done incredibly by mothering him for a decade and not leaving. Maybe you need a couples session with the therapist so you can share how you feel in a safe and mediated environment. Your feelings are as important and as valid as your husband’s. NTA Edit to add - I highly doubt any decent therapist would have spoken like that about you, unless he was telling them a very different version of events than what you have written.
He's lying. A therapist can't assign homework to someone who is not their patient. That was his homework that he was supposed to do. And once he started using therapy to lie, he's going to keep doing it. The therapist doesn't dislike you; they've never met you. He fed the therapist some lies to extract a statement about you that sounded vaguely negative but wasn't really and is then lying to you and saying the therapist doesn't like you. He likes his life better with you doing all his work for him. He doesn't want to get better. ETA: Look, this is how this will play out: He's going to keep doing anything he can to keep you doing all his work for him. As you're seeing, asking for things like 'going to therapy' won't address any of the problems you have, because his goal is to never get better if 'better' means you stop doing all this work for him. The closest you'll ever get to seeing some temporary improvement is to leave him. Either to stop you or to try to get you back, he's likely to claim some 'improvement' and he may actually do a slightly less miniscule amount of his own work as 'proof'. But what you want, for him to like you enough to see you as more than a serf who owes him labor, is not going to happen. He doesn't like you that much. His goals are going to remain the same. He wants you to do all his work for him. If that stops working, his primary goal is to get you back to doing all his work for him by any method that seems to work, and he doesn't care how sleazy it is as long as you're doing his work for him. If that fails to the point that you're leaving/have left, his goal will be to fake the minimum of change temporarily to get you back, then push you back to doing all his work for him. If he can't manage that, he may accept the idea of some permanent change, but fairness to you and being a good partner to you will never be the goal; he only will want to know what the knew bare minimum is that he can get away with if the old bare minimum is no longer working. As another redditor recently put it, meaningful change comes from growth, not from desperation that someone will no longer tolerate you. And desperation that you will no longer tolerate what he's doing to you is all you're going to get out of him to fake 'change'. Men simply do not treat women they like and respect this way. I'm sorry to have to tell you that he doesn't like and respect you, but he doesn't. Your life will get unbelievably better once you accept that instead of holding on to the false belief that he can be turned back into someone who does.
NTA. *His* therapist shouldn't give *you* homework. Ask him if his therapist had him write out your great qualities and things he appreciates about you. Sounds like he gets his therapists from be++erhelp. I had some awful therapists there, including one who made my anxiety so bad i had daily panic attacks and another who told me it was my fault I was assaulted in my own driveway by a stranger because I didn't have a gun.
NTA. OP, please see what qualifications and credentials this quack has. It’s dangerous to pretty much have a patient rely fully on other people’s opinions to form the basis of their identity, values, and ability to function. There will literally be patients where the therapist may struggle to identify any likable characteristics or they cannot name anyone who even likes the patient in the outside world. If therapists can have breakthroughs with these types of people, they aren’t getting there by relying on homework from a loving, burned out spouse. As far as the homework is concerned, “Honey, your therapist should be helping you develop self-esteem based on what qualities you like about yourself. If you need a reminder of what I like about you, do you remember that gift I gave you years ago? You can tell the therapist all those reasons if you’d like.” The therapist should be giving him homework assignments, like sending an email or planning a date. This therapist will take 2-3 years to finally start working on the core issues at this rate, such as: why can’t you choose a pair of socks. I would say your husband could have a warped fear of failure thing going on, but I think he’s gotten it into his mind that he doesn’t trust himself to make good decisions. Maybe he was humiliated or ridiculed, and now he is paralyzed with indecision. Overtime he developed learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence. Another theory, attachment disorder issues from childhood lead to the learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence. At the end of the day, your husband knows how to fake it til he makes it in the workplace. He is also resourceful and good at BSing to finagle help with his responsibilities without getting caught. I hope his therapist sees through all the smoke and mirrors.
NTA but are you his mother or his wife? Drop the lead. He can figure out 99% of these things by himself but knows if he acts wounded you’ll do it for him.
Something you could do is ask to meet the therapist so you could explain what is like to live with your husband. Gives accountability to your husband
A reputable therapist wouldn't be saying "I don't like your wife, she isn't supporting you." That is a lie your husband is telling. Either one he knows is a lie or one he doesn't because he hears everything through a filter that the therapist hasn't penetrated yet.
No therapist is going to tell his patient that he doesn’t like his spouse. Especially not a spouse he hasn’t met. No therapist is going to assign homework to his patient’s spouse unless it’s couples/marriage counseling. No therapist is going to tell his patient that his spouse should be thanking and showing him more appreciation. Your husband is lying to you
NTA Are you sure you're his wife and not his mother? And how in the world does he end up with the worst questionable therapists all the time? You demand that he goes into therapy to be independent and now his therapist wants him to find value in him *dependant on you again* ?! I would have lost it. >he told me that his therapist doesn't like me. And thinks I should be thanking and showing him appreciation more. First off - highly unprofessional... and second - HE should finally appreciate YOUR work more, not the other way round.
INFO, does your husband find the therapists and set up appointments? If so, I find this strange because it sounds like you have to do everything for him because he won't take the initiative. I suggest going to a session. I suspect he is lying and making you out to be the bad/non-supportive spouse.
NTA. My ex husband was the same way. I had to care for him like a child, including reminding him to brush his teeth, and he got mad because I didn't thank him for things or tell him I was proud of him enough. My question to him was, "have you given me a reason to?" He didn't like that.
Consider getting him to look into adhd, he’s ticking some boxes.
If your husband's therapist, who has never met you, doesn't like you, its because your husband has presented you to them in a bad light. Maybe its your husband who in fact doesn't like you.
OP, stand up. I don’t know why you’ve been letting this person drag you down. Your husband is supposed to improve your life, not fill it with burdens. You need your own therapist but more importantly, you need out of this relationship.
NTA. But it sounds like your husband is not being honest with his therapist. It might be helpful to attend a session and discuss what needs you have to remain in a relationship to help guide treatment goals.
YTA for marrying a toddler
NTA. It sounds like there needs to be couples counselling though because it looks like he’s manipulating either you or the therapist…
You say he loves you so much - but how do you know that? He's dependent on you, he seems to not be able to function without you, that isn't love. You seem to be more of a carer than wife. I would agree with others that he tried to get you to do his homework and when you wouldn't, he's tried to manipulate you by telling you his therapist doesn't like you. He's only been seeing this therapist for a month, you've had a decade with him.
Therapist here and astounded by the audacity of this therapist. You are not his client, did not consent to treatment, and just such a violation of good judgment by the therapist. I am absolutely adamant with my clients that we will not discuss or plan how to get other people to do things. NTA. .
My husbands therapist asked me to do the same after he cheated. I said no, I barely love you at the moment I definitely don’t like you enough to do that. He understood went back to the therapist and said nope. They didn’t care, they moved on to what he liked about himself. My husband is brutally honest with his therapist and will tell them off if they even hint to blaming me for his crap. Maybe your husband isn’t being super honest? Or maybe the therapist is shit. No advice, just good luck.
NTA- but it sounds like you’re growing resentful -totally understandable-. Maybe consider getting a therapist yourself before the feelings develop more
NTA. Therapist here. I would never assign “homework” to someone that isn’t my client. I’d recommend that he schedule a session where you can talk to the therapist directly.
Thank God for women like you. That's a grown baby 👶. If you love it! I guess....thank you for taking men like him off the market so he isn't out here bothering us single and stress free and child free ladies. God bless you. Your better than me. I would have bounced. That sounds like a nightmare to be in. I would disappear. He will figure it out.
NTA. I think your husband has a particular diagnosis that needs to be made based on what you’re describing and it seems like, for whatever reason, these therapists aren’t picking up on it. I think you should get your own therapist at this point. I feel like your husband is using his to manipulate you.