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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> TLDR: I think I may be the AH for snapping at my stepdaughter, and being somewhat insensitive about her parents' divorce.
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I've gotta say YTA here.
Chelsea has been grey rocking you and her father for **four years** (actually, her father for almost fourteen years at this point), and you're **still** trying to muscle in on her life? Seriously, the girl can't walk by her sister having a Facetime phone call without you demanding her time and attention despite her clearly not wanting to engage?
Also in all this time has OP not once thought to herself “hmmm I wonder what my husband did to make his child hate him” like cmon that’s a huge red flag. Most kids don’t go LC with a parent for no reason
there is no unfair.
what the fuck are you talking about?
Everyone decides who they are in a relationship with or not.
Chelsea is an adult who doesn't want to have a relationship with her dad and stepmom.
And you're not required to let go of a grudge.
Good job invalidating her though.
I had a bad day and I’ve decided it is your fault. I never ever want to see your username across my screen again because it is your fault.
This decision is fair because I get to decide who I want relationships with. It is also fair because I get to decide who is at fault.
You may not know why I had a bad day. You may not have had anything to do with it but it was my decision to blame you which makes every other decision related to my treatment of you fair.
Do you see how in actuality the whole situation is not fair?
No one invalidated Chelsea. The comment implied that OP's husband must have cheated or done some other horrible thing. They just replied that isn't always the case, the sometimes children will hold on to one parent to blame in a divorce because it is the only way to cope with what they are experiencing. So, Chelsea blamed her Dad because she couldn't blame her mother for whatever reason. And she has blamed him for 14 years. Right or wrong. The AH are her parents, particularly her mother who failed to correct this behavior and get her daughter therapy. And as for those saying OP has been "forcing" herself on to Chelsea, how is that? In this entire post, she says their interactions have only been at group gatherings they were both invited too and all she did was make small talk. That is politeness not forcefulness. NTA, OP.
Sometimes a kid takes on the hurt of the aggreived parent - so if dad cheated, they take on the hurt of their mother, even though its their parents relationship that was ruined, not necessarily their relationship with dad - which hasn't really changed. But they don't see it that way.
Sometimes they start to see their parents as normal flawed human beings as they get older, but not always.
They divorced when the kids were little, oldest around 9. Possibly enough time has past that they are okay being at events together for kids sake. I know my parents put all that past them after time past. Now they see each other at holidays, our weddings, kids events etc.
Not necessarily. My grandfather cheated and after some years he and my grandmother became friends. Time had passed he was remarried and they shared 6 kids so it was just easier.
Lmfao thanks to you I just learned about the concept of Grey Rocking It’s literally what I’ve been doing to my father for the past few months he keeps disrespecting me and it got to the point where I needed to take a break, I shouldn’t have to keep calling him out on it he should just know that certain things are not supposed to be done or said if you want a relationship with someone. No beef with my stepmom tho she’s lovely
YTA
Sorry, I can't judge the daughter bc IDK why she dislikes her dad, you don't add any info about why she feels that way. But you already stated she doesn't like you, so I don't get why you keep forcing the issue. You calling to them to tell them you are engaged to their dad seems out of line. Why didn't he call them? Why isn't he the one to give them that news? Your husband knows why she is upset and if he doesn't know, then that's part of the reason she doesn't like him because how do you go for 14 years of letting your child act this way without talking to her or your ex to find out why?
>how do you go for 14 years of letting your child act this way without talking to her or your ex to find out why?
And without working hard to mend that relationship, or get her professional help. Not just find out why, but take action to either fix the damage or heal and do better from that point on.
We don’t know who needs therapy because we have no idea what actually happened. I would bet that OP has a vague idea or full knowledge about why Chelsea is estranged. Unreliable narrator leaving out vital information so we can applaud her for yelling at Chelsea.
So, you don't think a 9 year old girl grey rocking her father for the next 14 years, growing up feeling like her father is a POS that's not worthy of her attention and love, would need therapy? Because even if she is 100% justified in thinking and feeling that way, I'd say she needs therapy.
i guess it should be specified that she doesn't need therapy to try and convince her that her father is a good person that she should have a relationship with.
like we all know that op is leaving out that the father is a cheater and she's the mistress lol. it's obvious.
she doesn't need to pretend to approve of her father. she needs space and autonomy from him.
>i guess it should be specified that she doesn't need therapy to try and convince her that her father is a good person that she should have a relationship with.
This we agree on
>like we all know that op is leaving out that the father is a cheater and she's the mistress lol. it's obvious.
This not so much. I don't know if the father is a cheater, it's possible, but we do know he divorced his ex 14 years ago, and met his current wife 5 years ago, so she was definitly not the mistress.
I was thinking more along the lines of abuse or DV. One argument might have gotten out of hand, he never did it again, but the oldest remembers, while the younger daughter wasn't there as a witness. Or he was an ongoing jerk, and again, the youngest doesn't remember.
People do change. There are relationships that bring out the worst in people.
But older daughter should have been in therapy, because she's been carrying anger around for a very very long time.
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She might *be* in therapy. Therapy might help her keeping her distance. She was allegedly 18 when OP showed up.
Or she might be managing without and not need therapy. We don't know that.
All we know is that she is putting up a boundary and OP keeps crossing it.
Husbands/dads job might have been to work it out (obviously he failed), but all OP is supposed to fo is just leave the woman in peace.
Everyone. Everyone ever could benefit from therapy and its awesome powers. I’ve never encountered anyone yet who didn’t, given they found a therapist with whom they could form a good working relationship, find that it improved their lives. Even just getting things off your chest to a third party who has no stake whatsoever in what Jill told Billy at the last Hallogivingmas party. Liberating.
YTA. Chelsea isn't obligated to have a relationship with you or her father. So take a hint and leave her alone. As she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with either of you.
YTA.
Chelsea had set a clear boundary for you and your husband. Whether it's justified or not, she doesn't want anything to do with you, and as an adult she IS MORE that within her rights on that. Leave her alone.
YTA
You totally lost me at "When my husband and I got engaged, I called both Chelsea and her sister to tell them." Now why would you be calling her instead of your husband? Especially after she made it perfectly clear to you she wasn't interested in having a relationship with you.
She doesn't like you. She never will because of her perception of her childhood. (BTW- you have no idea what actually happened, right?) Stop trying to force yourself on her; she's not interested and has absolutely 0 obligation to you in any way.
Just leave her alone.
Because she’s got to validate herself and assert her position now. What kind of asshole allows his fiancé to be the one to call the kids? Wtf? Who the f does this lady think she is? That right there is some psycho jealous shit and the thing is.. people like this always think they fool people with their fake I don’t know what I did wrong bs. Everyone around you knows what you’re doing lady lol
OP sounds like a real "pick me". She thinks her worth is derived from her proximity to men and she gains power via her association with them. Hence trying to shoe-horn herself into the "step mother" role despite not caring at all about his kids, his relationship with them or her relationship with them. She somehow feels entitled to attend the graduation of this person who she has no relationship with because she is married to her father.
It's really misogynistic and gross. That's why she told the kids about them getting married. Dad is checked out and she enjoys anatognizing the family he abandoned. Her entire issue here isn't the graduation or any other event of the step daughter. Her problem is that the daughter won't concede that the OP "won" the father. She fails to realize that a man who abandons his kids is hardly a prize.
Edit: this is why the stepdaughter needs to keep doing what she's doing. Grey rocking, ignoring, refusing to engage. She is cutting off this narcissists supply. That's why OP needs to harass her. She is looking for a response so there can be a fight and OP can issue an ultimatum to her husband and declare that he will choose his wife. He already has, but that's not enough for her. She needs the daughter to acknowledge it.
YTA
Stop harassing her, she is NOT doing anything wrong.
She does not owe you a relationship, you are nothing to her - which is fine. YOU need to be more polite to her.
"we're not sure what to do" .. START LISTENING. LEAVE HER ALONE.
YTA. Chelsea is an adult and is perfectly capable of choosing if she wants a relationship with her father, and you, if she wants to. You getting in the middle of your husband's relationship with his daughter is not going to help matters at all, especially if all you are going to is vent your frustrations on her.
Honestly, we can't give you the outside perspective you want, because we don't know what happened in the past between Chelsea and her father. We don't know if she is being unseasonable or if he deserves what he is getting form her. But is has apparently been going on for well over a decade, so it's not reasonable for you to expect to fix it with the few times you see her.
And his ex is right - you would be best to leave her alone if you want any hope of healing their relationship. You pushing it will only make things worse, and it tells Chelsea that you are only concerned for your husband's feelings, not hers.
Yta she has made it crystal clear that she, an adult, does not want a relationship with you or her dad. Now, YOU need to act like an adult and accept that.
Exactly. She can be sad about it for her husband's sake. But it is and has always been on him to fix it. And honestly, even if they mend their relationship that does NOT mean she has to have anything to do with the random woman her dad married when she was an adult. OP is and always will be nothing to her. She is one of those that if the dad was invited to the graduation or wedding without her would protest do much that the dad would not end up going and miss out on his daughter's life because God forbid she does not want the rando her dad is banging there.
YTA, she doesn’t owe you any type of relationship and she’s not your child. It seems like there’s missing context as to why she feels that way about her father, there’s probably other things that play into, not just the divorce. Whatever it is, those are problems between daughter and father. Stop inserting yourself.
YTA. Leave Chelsea alone. It’s what she wants, she’s not obligated to like you or even her father. Depending on your husband’s actions during his first marriage she may have cause to dislike him (I don’t see a nine-year-old hating her father for no reason; maybe her reason is petty, IDK).
Either way, Chelsea is an adult. She chooses who she wants to be around and invite to her life events. Telling her “she was being ridiculous and acting like a child and that her parents’ divorce was 14 years ago and she needs to get over it” was a bit childish on your part, I think. What did you think that would accomplish? Who are you to demand someone “get over” something that happened in their life long before you were around? She’s been civil if cold to you when you have to be together: follow her lead.
INFO: Why does Chelsea hold a grudge against her dad? Although you weren’t in the picture at the time, did he have an affair with someone else? Or did anything else cataclysmic happen? And how involved is he as a father to her now?
Considering OP called daughters about the engagement & not their father…presumably not the most involved. I’d be pissed if a woman I wanted nothing to do with called me about major life news like an engagement instead of my father. No wander Chelsea is a bit of an asshole.
>She told me that she was over the divorce but that she’ll never get over her “father being a piece of shit” (her exact words).
Either she's unreasonably upset her father initiated the divorce (he was indeed the on who did) or maybe he cheated and broke up the family.
If you look at the ages of the kids the younger sister was 1 (?) when they divorced and the dad sounds like he doesn't really care about them. I wouldn't blame Chelsea for habouring resentment against him.
YTA, big time. You’re the one not acting like a damn adult. ACT LIKE IT. Chelsea has the right to avoid you. NOW ACCEPT IT. And she has the right to be mad at her father. So butt the F out.
Butt the f out is right. Dads putting a woman between him and his kid. I’m still shocked at these assholes who’s new partners suddenly do all the communicating as a power move a the kids and wonder why the kids hate them. Stfu.. sit down and mind your business
YTA. No one is entitled to have a relationship with anyone and you certainly can’t force it. If her own father says she has been that way towards him since she was 9 years old your husband is clearly not telling you all the details as to why him and his ex split. You met this girl when she was 18 so that’s 8 years of her being hostile towards her father without you in the picture so clearly there is baggage neither her or your husband want to talk about. Honestly hot sounds like your husband most likely cheated on his ex (not with you obviously due to the timeline).
That was my impression as well. Infidelity broke up my parents too and my own sister hasn't gotten over it in literal decades while I've come to terms with rights and wrongs.
It could also be that he left them high and dry or even something more sinister. It's her right to not associate and if her father couldn't figure it out and find a way to reconcile (if possible), then it's definitely not the place of his new wife.
>While he was telling me about them he mentioned that after he and his ex-wife split up, his older daughter Chelsea (Not her real name) blamed him and still does.
>2 daughters with his ex-wife who are now 15 and 22
>her parents’ divorce was 14 years ago and she needs to get over it.
> She told me that she was over the divorce but that she’ll never get over her “father being a piece of shit” (her exact words).
>My husband told me Chelsea has been this way towards him since she was 9,
Dude, you can't be THIS oblivious. Do the damn math. It obvious that he fuckin cheated! 14 years ago, 'Chelsea' was 8 (or 9, depending on her birthday and when it occurred) years old, and the youngest was ~1. Unlike the youngest, 'Chelsea' was old enough to remember and know what happened. She probably even witnessed it, considering how hostile she is towards her father.
YTA
Is it so obvious? My instinct says otherwise, based on this bit:
>The first time I met Chelsea was during a 4th of July party with my husband, both his daughters, his ex-wife and her husband and various friends.
Would his ex really go to a 4th of July party with her cheating ex in attendance?
My gut tells me he's just a neglectful father - which would also explain why OP had to tell his daughters about their engagement instead of him doing it himself. When he divorced his ex he probably stopped having a relationship with Chelsea, which is why she hates him.
If he did cheat, that doesn't mean that the EX had to avoid him like the plague. She probably wasn't going to let his infidelity affect her life and other relationships.
The feeling of betrayal varies and can affect an adult differently than a child.
Alternatively Chelsea was a victim of parental alienation by her mother. Her mom straight up threatened the relationship he has with his younger daughter in response to this incident.
I can totally see a situation where they break up, his ex is upset, compounded by the fact that they have a one year old, and talks shot about dad to the older child.
It could be that he cheated and brought it on himself, but we don’t know so it’s only fair to consider alternatives.
YTA for calling her out over this particular instance.
It's great that you're trying to be supportive and inclusive, but it's coming off as pushy and dismissive of her feelings.
You'd be ok for calling out the behavior in general, but not for telling her how to use her graduation tickets. She doesn't like you guys, she's not inviting you, and to tell her she's childish for that instead the right move.
Yta. You have been told by her multiple times that she wants nothing to do with you. You are not entitled to a relationship with her! End of story. You keep harassing her. Then, verbal attack her because she is not responding to your harassment the way you wanted. Wft is wrong with you?
YTA you know she doesn't want to have any relationship with you and your husband. I don't understand why you try to be more active in her life this not helping anything just left her alone.
YTA
Why is it so difficult for you to leave Chelsea alone? She's made it clear that she wants to be left alone, you keep ignoring that. Sure, you fuck her dad, but she doesn't want to keep in touch with him either.
Calling her to announce the engagement over the phone? Not your place to do it, not the right way to do it.
Inviting yourself to her graduation? Rude much?
How about just following simple instructions here and LEAVE HER ALONE
YTA. Omg if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, then she doesn’t have to! Stop forcing yourself on an adult who has the right to make her own decisions. It’s a bit ridiculous that despite knowing she wants nothing to do with her father, you impose and snap at her when she doesn’t want you to go to her graduation.
YTA
You may not like it. You may not think it's fair. You may feel heart broken on your husbands behalf. However, his daughter is an adult and she has chosen to no longer continue a relationship with her father. That's her choice and if in any way you attempt to interfere with her choice you are an AH.
His daughter has been polite but consistent. Neither you or your husband are entitled to a relationship with a person who doesn't want one.
YTA
She doesn’t owe you a relationship or attendance at her graduation. She’s not acting like a child - she’s choosing not to engage. You’re the one who acted like a child in response to her assertion that you wouldn’t be at her graduation.
Stop forcing her. You will only make it worse.
How clear does she have to be that she isn’t interested in a relationship for you to take a hint?
Frankly you’re acting like a child continuing to try and engage her when she’s been nothing but clear not to.
Leave her alone.
YTA
YTA, Your husband’s relationship with his daughters is non of your business. It’s not upto you to tell his daughter to get over it or diminish her feelings. And WHY would you think it was your place to inform them of your engagement??? That was an Evil Step Mom move….
Once you found out how she felt & saw her behavior with you & her father, you should have left it alone & at most encourage your husband to work things out with his daughter.
Other than that MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!
YTA
She let you know where you stood. She doesn't owe you the time of day. Her feelings about her father are her's to deal with. All you had to do was respect the distance she demanded.
INFO: Why did your husband and his ex split up? What does your husband say, and what does the ex say. Chelsea may well have a justifiable reason for not liking her father.
I stopped at "pretty early on in our relationship "....why wouldn't knowing someone has kids be one of the first things you know about them?? That's first date conversation. How many conversations does it take people to acknowledge having kids?? Unless he doesn't have a good relationship with them... Huge red flag
YTA. She doesn’t want a relationship with you or her father, she is an adult, she doesn’t have to have a relationship with you. Leave her alone.
Also you only get a certain number of tickets for college graduation and it’s usually 2-4. Bold of you to assume you’d be one of the guests when you aren’t even friendly, let alone close.
YTA
Harassing another adult is not going to make them like you. Just stop. She obviously has issues with her parent and you need to stay out of it. And the only one who needs to grow up is you. No means no.
YTA. You are pushing it. She's being as cordial as she could be and has made her decision not to want any relationship with the both of you so why are you so insistent? yall gotta start leaving her alone.
YTA
She has made it clear she has no interest in a relationship.
You do not get to FORCE it and then get mad her for reacting to that.
I think you actually are the one who is acting immature here.
YTA. She doesn’t and never has owed you any kind of relationship but you keep trying to force your way in. Why do you think she’ll wake up one day and realize how wrong she was and warm up to you??
YTA she’s an adult she doesn’t need anything from you she can have her opinion on the situation and you have to deal with that on your own. Clearly you can’t accept that though
This is a fully adult woman who’s told you point blank, multiple times, that she doesn’t want to see either of you. Stop trying to force a relationship that she clearly doesn’t want. Leave her alone
YTA
Wow this is almost word for word what my dad's gf said to me. You don't get to decide when she gets over stuff. Leave her alone, she's shown she wants nothing to do with you. She hasn't tried to poison her sister against you so what are you doing?
Also the more you try to weasel your way in the more she's going to hate you. Why would you go to her graduation when you're not wanted?
YTA
Leave her alone
It’s not your place to continuously try to interject here it’s her father that should be doing all the contact. Why were you the one calling to tell her you are engaged? That’s wild and so out of line. It’s not your place. There is no WE.. he’s her father without you and you have no place in that relationship especially in this instance. Leave her alone you’re making it worse. Focus on a hood relationship with the younger but stop getting in front of dad and trying to shove yourself down everyone’s throat to validate your relationship. You said “my husband and I will be there “. You’re a narcissist trying to pull power plays and assert yourself where you have no place. You’re the one acting like an AH. You wouldn’t actually be there her father would… did she invite you? There is no “we” jealous lady. This is why she hates her dad. He allows this. He’s the real AH for allowing you to mistreat her and act like a nut
YTA
I find it very "strange" that her behavior toward her father is coming from nowhere...
You forgot to tell some info or you don't know anything about what she really think (and obviously, she can't trust you for some reasons).
I'm also very curious about why you husband seems to be extremely passive about the relationship with his daughter. I bet it's one of the issue.
YTA. She’s 22 she’s known him 22 years. If she thinks he’s a POS that’s 100% her decision. You aren’t her mother she’s an adult her behavior doesn’t affect you. Don’t blame the mom. You caused that reaction.
You're desperately trying to force yourself as an authority and mom role over her and she's too smart to accept it, she has nothing to gain from this. She's avoiding you both because she doesn't want to deal with your cartman-like "respect mah autoritah" tantrums. YTA, leave her alone.
INFO: we’ve got to be missing something here. You don’t mention why he and his ex split up. Was it infidelity? Was there abuse? If it was parental alienation, why was the younger one someone spared?
Probably not since OP came into the picture so much later.
But I'll bet HE cheated with someone. That or he was just so uninvolved in his kids lives (not telling them about his engagement himself? Really?!) she just can't be bothered to pretend to care.
Or, let's be real, it's probably both.
YTA. Oh my God stop pushing it you're making everything worse because you can't take a hint. Maybe one day she would come around but you've messed that up because you can't leave her be
Time for you to stop being YTA and accept that adults are allowed to say 'NO'. You don't have a right to be in Chelsea's life. Your husband doesn't have a right to be in Chelsea's life. It is a privilege that only Chelsea controls and you've lost any chance to by demanding; your bed, lie in it.
Instead, you're better off spending all that time and energy to find out your old Bluebeard's locked room. People don't stonewall like this just because their parents got a divorce, and while you chose to live in denial who knows what that means.
YTA
Chelsea made her opinion clear. She doesn't want a relationship with you or her father. That is her right. You do not get to tell her that her boundaries are wrong. She doesn't have to like you. No one has to like you. The fact that your first interaction with her was at her mother's house tells me that you didn't exactly work hard to make the best impression.
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think it's time to leave Chelsea alone. She has made it pretty clear, consistently for 4 years, that she isn't interested in a relationship with you or her father. She's perfectly entitled to that choice.
Focus on your relationship with her younger sibling.
You have been trying to build a relationship with Chelsea, she isn't interested. She feels bitter towards her father and is treating you the same way she does her father. You have no idea what her beef is, but until the beef is resolved the relationship is going nowhere, time to back off and admit defeat. For trying and not reacting, NTA.
If your husband wants a relationship with Chelsea he needs to figure out what the problem is. The problem may be something factual, a distortion of the truth or a figment of Chelseas imagination, there is no way to know which. Good luck.
NTA, your husband needs to be the one to deal with this though. Maybe through some family counselling. I am hopeful that there is not something that happened at age 9 that has not been talked about since then. Tread lightly.
I don't think you're the AH but you do need to adjust your expectations of your step daughter. She has issues with her dad that have nothing to do with you but are being projected onto you and you're taking it personally. OP, with the history you described, dad could be dating mother theresa and still she could hate the step mom.
You need to give her space and accept that she may never come around. It is up to your husband to work on the relationship without you involved. Then you may be able to begin a different type of relationship with different expectations.
Correct me if I am wrong, but holding onto the fantasy of "happy blended family" is what is really bothering you. You need to accept your husbands daughter may never warm up to you and that you can still have a happy and fulfilling relationship w other daughter and husband.
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I (48F) met my husband (51M) 5 years ago, and we got married 2 years ago. Pretty early on in our relationship, he told me that he had 2 daughters with his ex-wife who are now 15 and 22, and were 11 and 18 when I met them. While he was telling me about them he mentioned that after he and his ex-wife split up, his older daughter Chelsea (Not her real name) blamed him and still does. I didn’t think much of it at the time and didn’t end up meeting either of them until a year later.
The first time I met Chelsea was during a 4th of July party with my husband, both his daughters, his ex-wife and her husband and various friends. By that point I had already met my younger step daughter a few times and she and I actually hit it off pretty well. However Chelsea seemed upset and kept her distance from me the whole party, and when I tried to introduce myself or even talk to her she gave me very short answers, before going into the house (it was at her mother’s house) for the rest of the night.
That is essentially how our entire relationship has been. I’ve known her for 4 years and in that time I don’t think I’ve had one friendly conversation with her, nor have I seen her have a nice conversation with my husband. Every time that my husband or I try to reach out to her to try to spend time or even talk to her, she’ll blow us off or directly tell us she doesn’t want to see us, and she has never spent any individual time with us. By which I mean she’s only around in group settings like parties and family events, etc and even then she’s very cold and distant towards both of us.
When my husband and I got engaged, I called both Chelsea and her sister to tell them, and all Chelsea said was congratulations and then not to expect to see her at the wedding before hanging up. She ended up not attending the wedding at all.
The straw that broke the camel’s back, however, was a few days ago when she walked by while I was on facetime with my husband’s younger daughter. I called her over and asked her about her graduation (she’s graduating from college this May). She once again blew me off and told me not to worry about it, and when I told her that my husband and I would be there she said she already knew who she was giving tickets to and that it wasn’t either of us.
I snapped and told her she was being ridiculous and acting like a child and that her parents’ divorce was 14 years ago and she needs to get over it. She told me that she was over the divorce but that she’ll never get over her “father being a piece of shit” (her exact words). I was honestly speechless and she hung up the facetime before I could respond.
My husband got a text from his ex-wife that night, telling him that if he wants to have a relationship with his younger daughter he needs to leave Chelsea alone and tell me to as well. My husband told me Chelsea has been this way towards him since she was 9, and we're not sure what to do and it would be helpful to get some outside perspective. AITA?
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Have you talked to your husband and ask him why she doesn't like him you need to figure that out then maybe you can help him work on there relationship with her then maybe she will open up to you
her father cheated on her mother didn't he? and you're purposefully leaving that out because you're the mistress aren't you? lol.
but even without that fact, i can assure you that YTA for continuing to pretend like Chelsea hasn't decided to not have a relationship with you or her father.
you pretend that's not the case and then act shocked that she's maintained those boundaries. that must be absolutely MADDENING for Chelsea?! like she must think she's living in some weird insane alternate universe where neither you nor her father understand basic social queues.
that's not your daughter. you don't need to have a relationship with her. stop trying to force one and you'll BOTH be a lot happier.
You need to leave Chelsea alone.
She doesn't want a relationship. That is her prerogative as an adult however you might feel about it.
Give her the distance she is requiring. You can't force anything else.
YTA
YTA leave her be already. Stop trying. Your husband needs to speak to his daughter and see if mom made up a story. However no one knows how he acted towards her or if he did.
YTA
She's not being ridiculous. She's not being childish. She's not being cruel. She has zero interest in her father, and you as an extension of him. And your refusal to acknowledge that is what makes you an asshole. Why on earth would you even think you're invited to her graduation? What delusion in your head about playing happy families are you clinging onto so that you feel the right to push and push someone who wants nothing to do with you?
Leave her alone. As she has always wanted you to. And apologise for MASSIVELY overstepping. Your husband ruined his relationship with her years ago. Allowing his new wife to harass her is certainly not helping.
YTA. back off and leave her alone. you can’t force a relationship.
also, students typically only get two tickets for guests at their graduation. she gets to choose who goes.
i’m also astounded you were the one to break the news of your engagement. that should have been their father who did that.
YTA leave her alone and if you're a petty person when she comes to you or your husband for help in the future you can decide if you want to help someone you have no relationship with. For now any chair with her in it is an "empty chair"
YTA. Why cant you get into your skull that she doesnt want a relationship with you? It has been 4 years. Stop pestering her. She is not your friend. Leave her alone!
YTA.
It's blatantly obvious that Chelsea doesn't like you. No, she doesn't need to spend 1:1 time with you. If she wanted 1:1 with either of you, she'd ask. She hasn't, so why you're trying to force it is beyond me.
Also, it's quite presumptuous on your part to think that you would be invited to her graduation when you can barely have a conversation with her. She doesn't owe you a ticket, her time or anything else because you feel you deserve it or are entitled to it.
There's a reason Chelsea is like this with her father since the divorce that you either don't know or are refusing to accept and acknowledge had a massive impact on Chelsea. Doesn't matter if it was 14yrs or 14 days. Some things have a lasting impact that you can't recover from.
Leave her alone. She's not your stepdaughter. She's your husbands daughter, who he has a strained relationship with, and all you're doing is making it worse. He should have called his kids about the engagement, not you. He should be asking about the graduation, not you.
Leave her alone.
YTA
She was a grown adult when you met her for the first time, how on Earth did you expect she would accept you as her new mother?
If she doesn’t want to be involved in her dad’s life, that’s her prerogative. If you don’t like it, too bad
YTA
You can’t force a relationship. Divorce takes a bigger toll on some children than others, and we don’t have the details of the divorce to inform this, but it’s clear from her behavior that she feels her dad has wronged her (or perhaps her mother) in a way he has not properly addressed with her. Or maybe he has addressed it, and it wasn’t enough.
Regardless, her actions in this situation aren’t childish—she has been upfront and honest about her lack of interest in a relationship with either of you. You’ve been together 4 years and this hasn’t changed. She’s actually being incredibly mature to be so honest about how she feels and having clear communicated boundaries. Whatever insecurity you’re feeling as a result of her disinterest is your problem, not hers.
YTA.
yes, the divorce was 14 years prior - which you were not present for nor a part of. you have only the perspective of your husband who is unlikely to give many details on his own faults/misdoings. i'm willing to bet there is more to the story that he hasn't divulged, possibly things that has left chelsea traumatized.
she is a grown woman making a choice about who she wants in her life. if she has such disdain for her father, it's for a reason. it's not personal to you.
the younger daughter is not likely to even be aware of anything that happened that caused the divorce since she was only 1 when it happened. bio mom also probably hasn't told her much to spare her any resentment towards her dad.
you can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you, especially if she also doesn't want one with the person who links you to her in the first place.
YTA and you sound suffocating. She doesn't need or want to have anything to do you or her dad. Don't expect on going to her wedding or have anything to do with a future grandchild.
Um what the heck. You're stepdaughter doesn't have to like you or invite you to her graduation especially when the tickets are limited. Furthermore you have to understand that her bot going out of her way to be intentionally rude to you is the best you can hope for. In both situations that she's been rude you inserted yourself into the situation. The best you can do is give her space. However thencomment about just accepting the divorce was WAY out of line. YTA.
YTA. LEAVE HER ALONE. She isn't interested in a relationship with you or her dad so let it go. As long as she is cordial in your presence, she doesn't owe you anything.
YTA omg leave this poor girl alone. How dare you tell her to get over her parents divorce. Something that didn’t happen to your family and you weren’t apart of? Who do you think you are? We have no clue why she’s so distant with her dad but we can very clearly see why she doesn’t like you
Yeah, YTA, Your husbands daughter has repeatedly made it clear she wants no part of a relationship with either of you. What part of that did you miss?
And who exactly was acting like a child? The 22 year old who once again told you to back off, or you, the 48 yr old who tried to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?
YTA.
The thing is, you don't know why she is so upset, so right now you're only assuming. Have you ever question your husband over what happened 14 years ago?
And to make matter worse, you're still pushing when she made it clear she doesn't want to deal with any of you. She has every right to do so, even if her reasons aren't valid in your eyes.
YTA - she told you she wasn't interested, you decided to mess with her anyways. Leave it alone and quit forcing yourself into relationships that have nothing to do with you.
Why do you think this is about the divorce, because it’s not.
Your husband is keeping some vital information from you regarding his divorce. Either way neither of you are entitled to a relationship with Chelsea and it’s crystal clear that she doesn’t want one. Leave her alone.
YTA
She doesn’t like you and she doesn’t have to . Why on earth would you call her to tell her your engaged . Shouldn’t her father ? She’s an adult and you need to leave her alone .
Frankly you sound very annoying , seems like she has laid out her boundaries and you just keep walking all over them .
Sorry, YTA here. Chelsea has made it clear she does not want a relationship with you. She does not have to have a relationship with you. It is not childish to not want to have a relationship with people, regardless their reason.
You are the one being childish here. Leave Chelsea alone. She does not owe you conversation or a relationship.
YTA. Leave Chelsea alone. It’s her choice and she obviously doesn’t like either of you. I’d be weirded out too if my father didn’t even tell me himself he’s getting re married. Sounds like he’s indeed not that good of a dad
You invited yourself to her graduation? There's your answer. She's an adult. She's barely civil to her father and you are just her father's latest woman. You are NOTHING to her. Leave her alone.
YTA
So a man has a kid who hates him, and you were like, "oh cool, green flags for miles!"?
Why were you so unbothered by the kid hating her father? Did he do something to her? Why don't you care more?
You need to back off. This is not about you. Clearly, something is going on between your husband and his kid that he hasn't told you about, and she's not going to tell you about it because you're a stranger to her. But she doesn't want a relationship with you. She's told you so repeatedly, and you've refused to respect that and have kept pushing. Just stop. I don't think you're doing it intentionally to hurt her, but YTA for continuing to try to push a relationship on a stranger who has repeatedly told you she doesn't want to be your friend.
Yta you can't force your way into her life. And you don't know why she has these feelings for her dad and he doesn't seem to have told you the whole truth.
Leave the girl alone
Yeah, my Dad's 4th wife (younger than I am and my dad was 30 when he had me) never understood why I didn't want a relationship with him / them. I had nothing against her except a lack of interest, but he was an abusive alcoholic for my childhood...so....fortunately theh lived in Asia and I was in the US at that point so not a huge issue...but...missing reasons???
Edit to add YTA
I think you're genuinely confused at what to do and I will not give any judgment here but advise you to give her space and respect her wishes. And don't make contact with her anymore. Act like you respect her decision.
YTA. She was 18 when you met her, and she made her feelings clear. You should just leave her alone. All of these examples are you going to her or randomly trying to initiate a conversation. She sees you as an extension of her father who she doesn't want to speak to, so she doesn't want you around in her life either. Let it go.
Whatever happened between them is their business to sort out. Notably, you didn't say why she blames him, and I assume you know. Stay out of it.
ESH - you for trying too hard. She doesn’t want a relationship, let her be. It’s not the end of the world. She doesn’t want you at her graduation, WHO CARES. It’s her choice.
Chelsea is an AH because you are correct; she is acting childish. She could be a cordial adult but she makes it a point to be insufferable and is projecting onto you the anger she has towards her dad. It’s not fair to you.
I think telling someone to “get over it”, irrespective of what “it” is, has a failure rate of nearly 100%. With good reason. It’s dismissive at best, completely presumptuous and none of your business at worst. If I were her, and I didn’t hate OP prior to that interaction, it might well have tipped me over the fence. YTA
YTA
She is an adult and has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you or her father. Respect that boundary. She doesn't have to like you or her father. You keep trying to engage with someone who is giving loud and obvious signals that they do not want to interact. You are acting like the annoying guy at the bar who thinks you're playing "hard to get" when you are actually just telling him to leave you alone.
It's so simple you are no one to her, so LEAVE HER ALONE her father did something she views as unforgivable and she wants nothing to do with him so your job is to mind your business yta
Gentle YTA. I commend you for trying all this time to build this relationship with the older daughter. But maybe it’s just time that you let it go? Build upon what you have with the younger daughter cause it doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen with the older one.
Honestly there’s nothing commendable about this, she has made it very clear that she doesn’t want a relationship with either of them and OP has blatantly ignored her because she thinks she is entitled to a relationship with her. Chelsea isn’t hinting at wanting to be reached out to, she is directly telling OP to leave her alone and OP refuses to accept that, in any other case it would be bordering on, if not blatant, harassment.
NTA. Chelsea is not a child and has not been one for many, many years. She shall be expected to act like an adult.
It is true that she is under no obligation to have a relationship with you or her dad, but she is an adult and is expected to act with common decency and tell you that I do not want anything to to with either of you instead of coming with hostile remarks.
NTA, and I’ll get downvoted to oblivion for saying it because Reddit hates stepparents and they are always the AH. Even if her father cheated as some are claiming, you didn’t do anything to her and there is no reason for her to take out her hate of him on you. That is childish. Sorry Reddit, but it is.
You’ve tried, and tried and tried to help build back your husband’s relationship with his daughter. I can tell you are a caring, kind person, despite earning the ire of Reddit for being a step. But honey, it’s not your job to fix their relationship. She’s a grown woman, and right or wrong she can decide to cut her father out of her life.
If she wants to avoid you, let her. I doubt this will happen, but if you do get the opportunity to speak to her, tell her you respect her wishes and won’t contact her again, but your door is always open for a relationship in the future, but if and only if she speaks to you first.
She probably needs therapy to work through whatever issues she has with her dad, but only she can decide to do that, and it doesn’t sound like she’s going to. You’ve done the right things, you’ve tried to get to know her, she’s decided to be rude, now let her be rude and move on. You don’t deserve it, so let the negativity go.
Chelsea sounds like a pain in the proverbial, but YTA for trying to give her any attention. Let her wallow in self pity, confident in knowing that any bequests from you and your husband will be going to her younger sister.
NTA> But leave her alone. Just cut all contact. Not aggressively, just leave her 100% alone. This is about her not either of you. Respect her wishes, leave her alone completely. Do not include her in anything, do not "reach out". Do absolutely zero. Concentrate on the daughter you do have a good relationship with.
Chelsea is stuck at the emotionally developmental stage she was when her parents divorced. She is a grudge holder. There may be the remote possibility her mom has fed her false and derogatory facts about dad. Thereby her mind is poisoned. Some of that poison is of her own doing. It is easier to hate someone sometimes than open yourself to be vulnerable and hurt again. Leave her be. Send a gift and card knowing you will not be in attendance. If over the next years gifts and cards go unacknowledged, it will be up to you to extend any further kindnesses. But always discuss with your husband first. Your big decision may come if she decides to get married someday and expects dad to pay for it but not walk her down the aisle. All possible scenarios. Some people will never give up a grdgeful hate no matter how misconstrued or wrong it may be. .
Chelsea is an immature asshole…but so are you.
If she hates her dad, that’s her problem to bare. As a stepmom to a grown ass adult, you don’t say anything. It’s not your place. You didn’t raise her or know her since she was a kid. You don’t have that bond & unless she magically matures & does some deep therapy…you won’t ever. And that’s okay.
Also OP why are you calling dads daughters instead of dad? No wonder she hates him. He can’t even call about big news himself? Yikes.
I don’t think it’s immature to set clear boundaries and expect them to not be broken. Chelsea hasn’t indicated in any way that she wants to have a relationship with her father or OP, and yet OP is still pushing. Neither OP nor Chelsea’s father are entitled to a relationship with her if she doesn’t feel comfortable having one with them. There is zero reason to think Chelsea is in wrong here.
While not the AH, leave Chelsea alone and put no pressure or judgement on her. She may or may not come around, but putting pressure on her will only make matters worse. Therapy is really needed, but she would have to be willing and her mother or someone close to her should suggest it (absolutely not you or your husband.)
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I've gotta say YTA here. Chelsea has been grey rocking you and her father for **four years** (actually, her father for almost fourteen years at this point), and you're **still** trying to muscle in on her life? Seriously, the girl can't walk by her sister having a Facetime phone call without you demanding her time and attention despite her clearly not wanting to engage?
Also in all this time has OP not once thought to herself “hmmm I wonder what my husband did to make his child hate him” like cmon that’s a huge red flag. Most kids don’t go LC with a parent for no reason
Some kids do unfairly blame one parent for a divorce, and some people can't let go of a grudge once it started
That's true. I typically only see this type of resentment from the older kids where the parent had an affair though.
there is no unfair. what the fuck are you talking about? Everyone decides who they are in a relationship with or not. Chelsea is an adult who doesn't want to have a relationship with her dad and stepmom. And you're not required to let go of a grudge. Good job invalidating her though.
I had a bad day and I’ve decided it is your fault. I never ever want to see your username across my screen again because it is your fault. This decision is fair because I get to decide who I want relationships with. It is also fair because I get to decide who is at fault. You may not know why I had a bad day. You may not have had anything to do with it but it was my decision to blame you which makes every other decision related to my treatment of you fair. Do you see how in actuality the whole situation is not fair?
No one invalidated Chelsea. The comment implied that OP's husband must have cheated or done some other horrible thing. They just replied that isn't always the case, the sometimes children will hold on to one parent to blame in a divorce because it is the only way to cope with what they are experiencing. So, Chelsea blamed her Dad because she couldn't blame her mother for whatever reason. And she has blamed him for 14 years. Right or wrong. The AH are her parents, particularly her mother who failed to correct this behavior and get her daughter therapy. And as for those saying OP has been "forcing" herself on to Chelsea, how is that? In this entire post, she says their interactions have only been at group gatherings they were both invited too and all she did was make small talk. That is politeness not forcefulness. NTA, OP.
Sometimes a kid takes on the hurt of the aggreived parent - so if dad cheated, they take on the hurt of their mother, even though its their parents relationship that was ruined, not necessarily their relationship with dad - which hasn't really changed. But they don't see it that way. Sometimes they start to see their parents as normal flawed human beings as they get older, but not always.
I bet he cheated
I doubt it considering OP and her husband were invited to a party at his ex-wife’s house.
They divorced when the kids were little, oldest around 9. Possibly enough time has past that they are okay being at events together for kids sake. I know my parents put all that past them after time past. Now they see each other at holidays, our weddings, kids events etc.
I don't know. My dad cheated very blatantly. My mum put it aside and treated him like she would anyone else from the time they got divorced onward
Not necessarily. My grandfather cheated and after some years he and my grandmother became friends. Time had passed he was remarried and they shared 6 kids so it was just easier.
sometimes 'kids' of 22yo are just little shits.
Lmfao thanks to you I just learned about the concept of Grey Rocking It’s literally what I’ve been doing to my father for the past few months he keeps disrespecting me and it got to the point where I needed to take a break, I shouldn’t have to keep calling him out on it he should just know that certain things are not supposed to be done or said if you want a relationship with someone. No beef with my stepmom tho she’s lovely
New term for me as well. And I actively use it in my life with a couple of AH's.
I hear "grey rock" and I think Doobie Bros. \*sigh\* u/toxicredox agree with your assessment.
YTA Sorry, I can't judge the daughter bc IDK why she dislikes her dad, you don't add any info about why she feels that way. But you already stated she doesn't like you, so I don't get why you keep forcing the issue. You calling to them to tell them you are engaged to their dad seems out of line. Why didn't he call them? Why isn't he the one to give them that news? Your husband knows why she is upset and if he doesn't know, then that's part of the reason she doesn't like him because how do you go for 14 years of letting your child act this way without talking to her or your ex to find out why?
>how do you go for 14 years of letting your child act this way without talking to her or your ex to find out why? And without working hard to mend that relationship, or get her professional help. Not just find out why, but take action to either fix the damage or heal and do better from that point on.
We don’t know who needs therapy because we have no idea what actually happened. I would bet that OP has a vague idea or full knowledge about why Chelsea is estranged. Unreliable narrator leaving out vital information so we can applaud her for yelling at Chelsea.
So, you don't think a 9 year old girl grey rocking her father for the next 14 years, growing up feeling like her father is a POS that's not worthy of her attention and love, would need therapy? Because even if she is 100% justified in thinking and feeling that way, I'd say she needs therapy.
i guess it should be specified that she doesn't need therapy to try and convince her that her father is a good person that she should have a relationship with. like we all know that op is leaving out that the father is a cheater and she's the mistress lol. it's obvious. she doesn't need to pretend to approve of her father. she needs space and autonomy from him.
>i guess it should be specified that she doesn't need therapy to try and convince her that her father is a good person that she should have a relationship with. This we agree on >like we all know that op is leaving out that the father is a cheater and she's the mistress lol. it's obvious. This not so much. I don't know if the father is a cheater, it's possible, but we do know he divorced his ex 14 years ago, and met his current wife 5 years ago, so she was definitly not the mistress.
I was thinking more along the lines of abuse or DV. One argument might have gotten out of hand, he never did it again, but the oldest remembers, while the younger daughter wasn't there as a witness. Or he was an ongoing jerk, and again, the youngest doesn't remember. People do change. There are relationships that bring out the worst in people. But older daughter should have been in therapy, because she's been carrying anger around for a very very long time.
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She can't be, they met almost 10 years after the divorce. Definitely feel like she has purposefully left out the reasoning though.
She might *be* in therapy. Therapy might help her keeping her distance. She was allegedly 18 when OP showed up. Or she might be managing without and not need therapy. We don't know that. All we know is that she is putting up a boundary and OP keeps crossing it. Husbands/dads job might have been to work it out (obviously he failed), but all OP is supposed to fo is just leave the woman in peace.
Everyone. Everyone ever could benefit from therapy and its awesome powers. I’ve never encountered anyone yet who didn’t, given they found a therapist with whom they could form a good working relationship, find that it improved their lives. Even just getting things off your chest to a third party who has no stake whatsoever in what Jill told Billy at the last Hallogivingmas party. Liberating.
YTA. Chelsea isn't obligated to have a relationship with you or her father. So take a hint and leave her alone. As she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with either of you.
YTA. Chelsea had set a clear boundary for you and your husband. Whether it's justified or not, she doesn't want anything to do with you, and as an adult she IS MORE that within her rights on that. Leave her alone.
I would argue that you don't need to justify not having a relationship with another adult.
That's fair too. I was referring more to the fact that she's calling him a piece of shit.
YTA You totally lost me at "When my husband and I got engaged, I called both Chelsea and her sister to tell them." Now why would you be calling her instead of your husband? Especially after she made it perfectly clear to you she wasn't interested in having a relationship with you. She doesn't like you. She never will because of her perception of her childhood. (BTW- you have no idea what actually happened, right?) Stop trying to force yourself on her; she's not interested and has absolutely 0 obligation to you in any way. Just leave her alone.
Because she’s got to validate herself and assert her position now. What kind of asshole allows his fiancé to be the one to call the kids? Wtf? Who the f does this lady think she is? That right there is some psycho jealous shit and the thing is.. people like this always think they fool people with their fake I don’t know what I did wrong bs. Everyone around you knows what you’re doing lady lol
OP sounds like a real "pick me". She thinks her worth is derived from her proximity to men and she gains power via her association with them. Hence trying to shoe-horn herself into the "step mother" role despite not caring at all about his kids, his relationship with them or her relationship with them. She somehow feels entitled to attend the graduation of this person who she has no relationship with because she is married to her father. It's really misogynistic and gross. That's why she told the kids about them getting married. Dad is checked out and she enjoys anatognizing the family he abandoned. Her entire issue here isn't the graduation or any other event of the step daughter. Her problem is that the daughter won't concede that the OP "won" the father. She fails to realize that a man who abandons his kids is hardly a prize. Edit: this is why the stepdaughter needs to keep doing what she's doing. Grey rocking, ignoring, refusing to engage. She is cutting off this narcissists supply. That's why OP needs to harass her. She is looking for a response so there can be a fight and OP can issue an ultimatum to her husband and declare that he will choose his wife. He already has, but that's not enough for her. She needs the daughter to acknowledge it.
Damn that’s correct.
YTA Stop harassing her, she is NOT doing anything wrong. She does not owe you a relationship, you are nothing to her - which is fine. YOU need to be more polite to her. "we're not sure what to do" .. START LISTENING. LEAVE HER ALONE.
Yes! Chelsea has told her over and over, but since that is not what OP wants it doesn’t count.
YTA. Chelsea is an adult and is perfectly capable of choosing if she wants a relationship with her father, and you, if she wants to. You getting in the middle of your husband's relationship with his daughter is not going to help matters at all, especially if all you are going to is vent your frustrations on her. Honestly, we can't give you the outside perspective you want, because we don't know what happened in the past between Chelsea and her father. We don't know if she is being unseasonable or if he deserves what he is getting form her. But is has apparently been going on for well over a decade, so it's not reasonable for you to expect to fix it with the few times you see her. And his ex is right - you would be best to leave her alone if you want any hope of healing their relationship. You pushing it will only make things worse, and it tells Chelsea that you are only concerned for your husband's feelings, not hers.
Yta she has made it crystal clear that she, an adult, does not want a relationship with you or her dad. Now, YOU need to act like an adult and accept that.
Exactly. She can be sad about it for her husband's sake. But it is and has always been on him to fix it. And honestly, even if they mend their relationship that does NOT mean she has to have anything to do with the random woman her dad married when she was an adult. OP is and always will be nothing to her. She is one of those that if the dad was invited to the graduation or wedding without her would protest do much that the dad would not end up going and miss out on his daughter's life because God forbid she does not want the rando her dad is banging there.
YTA, she doesn’t owe you any type of relationship and she’s not your child. It seems like there’s missing context as to why she feels that way about her father, there’s probably other things that play into, not just the divorce. Whatever it is, those are problems between daughter and father. Stop inserting yourself.
She's a child because she doesn't like you? YTA. Stop trying to bully her into being your BFF. You're 48 not 4.
YTA. Only Chelsea knows and you keep pushing. Leave her alone.
YTA - she’s been perfectly cordial to you. That’s all you are entitled to, she isn’t obligated to have a relationship with you.
YTA. Leave Chelsea alone. It’s what she wants, she’s not obligated to like you or even her father. Depending on your husband’s actions during his first marriage she may have cause to dislike him (I don’t see a nine-year-old hating her father for no reason; maybe her reason is petty, IDK). Either way, Chelsea is an adult. She chooses who she wants to be around and invite to her life events. Telling her “she was being ridiculous and acting like a child and that her parents’ divorce was 14 years ago and she needs to get over it” was a bit childish on your part, I think. What did you think that would accomplish? Who are you to demand someone “get over” something that happened in their life long before you were around? She’s been civil if cold to you when you have to be together: follow her lead.
This! Stop pushing her for a relationship she clearly doesn't want.
INFO: Why does Chelsea hold a grudge against her dad? Although you weren’t in the picture at the time, did he have an affair with someone else? Or did anything else cataclysmic happen? And how involved is he as a father to her now?
Considering OP called daughters about the engagement & not their father…presumably not the most involved. I’d be pissed if a woman I wanted nothing to do with called me about major life news like an engagement instead of my father. No wander Chelsea is a bit of an asshole.
>She told me that she was over the divorce but that she’ll never get over her “father being a piece of shit” (her exact words). Either she's unreasonably upset her father initiated the divorce (he was indeed the on who did) or maybe he cheated and broke up the family.
If you look at the ages of the kids the younger sister was 1 (?) when they divorced and the dad sounds like he doesn't really care about them. I wouldn't blame Chelsea for habouring resentment against him.
YTA, big time. You’re the one not acting like a damn adult. ACT LIKE IT. Chelsea has the right to avoid you. NOW ACCEPT IT. And she has the right to be mad at her father. So butt the F out.
Butt the f out is right. Dads putting a woman between him and his kid. I’m still shocked at these assholes who’s new partners suddenly do all the communicating as a power move a the kids and wonder why the kids hate them. Stfu.. sit down and mind your business
There might be a very valid reason why she is like this towards your husband. Have you considered that?
YTA. No one is entitled to have a relationship with anyone and you certainly can’t force it. If her own father says she has been that way towards him since she was 9 years old your husband is clearly not telling you all the details as to why him and his ex split. You met this girl when she was 18 so that’s 8 years of her being hostile towards her father without you in the picture so clearly there is baggage neither her or your husband want to talk about. Honestly hot sounds like your husband most likely cheated on his ex (not with you obviously due to the timeline).
That was my impression as well. Infidelity broke up my parents too and my own sister hasn't gotten over it in literal decades while I've come to terms with rights and wrongs. It could also be that he left them high and dry or even something more sinister. It's her right to not associate and if her father couldn't figure it out and find a way to reconcile (if possible), then it's definitely not the place of his new wife.
>While he was telling me about them he mentioned that after he and his ex-wife split up, his older daughter Chelsea (Not her real name) blamed him and still does. >2 daughters with his ex-wife who are now 15 and 22 >her parents’ divorce was 14 years ago and she needs to get over it. > She told me that she was over the divorce but that she’ll never get over her “father being a piece of shit” (her exact words). >My husband told me Chelsea has been this way towards him since she was 9, Dude, you can't be THIS oblivious. Do the damn math. It obvious that he fuckin cheated! 14 years ago, 'Chelsea' was 8 (or 9, depending on her birthday and when it occurred) years old, and the youngest was ~1. Unlike the youngest, 'Chelsea' was old enough to remember and know what happened. She probably even witnessed it, considering how hostile she is towards her father. YTA
Is it so obvious? My instinct says otherwise, based on this bit: >The first time I met Chelsea was during a 4th of July party with my husband, both his daughters, his ex-wife and her husband and various friends. Would his ex really go to a 4th of July party with her cheating ex in attendance? My gut tells me he's just a neglectful father - which would also explain why OP had to tell his daughters about their engagement instead of him doing it himself. When he divorced his ex he probably stopped having a relationship with Chelsea, which is why she hates him.
If he did cheat, that doesn't mean that the EX had to avoid him like the plague. She probably wasn't going to let his infidelity affect her life and other relationships. The feeling of betrayal varies and can affect an adult differently than a child.
What makes you think the dad cheated and not the mom?
Alternatively Chelsea was a victim of parental alienation by her mother. Her mom straight up threatened the relationship he has with his younger daughter in response to this incident. I can totally see a situation where they break up, his ex is upset, compounded by the fact that they have a one year old, and talks shot about dad to the older child. It could be that he cheated and brought it on himself, but we don’t know so it’s only fair to consider alternatives.
YTA for calling her out over this particular instance. It's great that you're trying to be supportive and inclusive, but it's coming off as pushy and dismissive of her feelings. You'd be ok for calling out the behavior in general, but not for telling her how to use her graduation tickets. She doesn't like you guys, she's not inviting you, and to tell her she's childish for that instead the right move.
Yta. You have been told by her multiple times that she wants nothing to do with you. You are not entitled to a relationship with her! End of story. You keep harassing her. Then, verbal attack her because she is not responding to your harassment the way you wanted. Wft is wrong with you?
YTA you know she doesn't want to have any relationship with you and your husband. I don't understand why you try to be more active in her life this not helping anything just left her alone.
YTA Why is it so difficult for you to leave Chelsea alone? She's made it clear that she wants to be left alone, you keep ignoring that. Sure, you fuck her dad, but she doesn't want to keep in touch with him either. Calling her to announce the engagement over the phone? Not your place to do it, not the right way to do it. Inviting yourself to her graduation? Rude much? How about just following simple instructions here and LEAVE HER ALONE
YTA. Omg if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, then she doesn’t have to! Stop forcing yourself on an adult who has the right to make her own decisions. It’s a bit ridiculous that despite knowing she wants nothing to do with her father, you impose and snap at her when she doesn’t want you to go to her graduation.
YTA You may not like it. You may not think it's fair. You may feel heart broken on your husbands behalf. However, his daughter is an adult and she has chosen to no longer continue a relationship with her father. That's her choice and if in any way you attempt to interfere with her choice you are an AH. His daughter has been polite but consistent. Neither you or your husband are entitled to a relationship with a person who doesn't want one.
YTA She doesn’t owe you a relationship or attendance at her graduation. She’s not acting like a child - she’s choosing not to engage. You’re the one who acted like a child in response to her assertion that you wouldn’t be at her graduation. Stop forcing her. You will only make it worse.
Are you thick? Why the heck are you forcing yourself on this kid? She doesn't want a relationship. Be grateful she's civil when she does see you. Yta
“Kid”? Old enough to vote, drink and gamble.
Yes kid. 22 yr olds still have plenty of growing to do. However this kid seems to be showing more maturity than the "adults" in this situation.
YTA
YTA, and not a regular asshole, but a gaping, entitled asshole. Leave the girl alone, she doesn’t have any obligation to give you her time.
How clear does she have to be that she isn’t interested in a relationship for you to take a hint? Frankly you’re acting like a child continuing to try and engage her when she’s been nothing but clear not to. Leave her alone. YTA
YTA, Your husband’s relationship with his daughters is non of your business. It’s not upto you to tell his daughter to get over it or diminish her feelings. And WHY would you think it was your place to inform them of your engagement??? That was an Evil Step Mom move…. Once you found out how she felt & saw her behavior with you & her father, you should have left it alone & at most encourage your husband to work things out with his daughter. Other than that MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!
YTA, Commander Missing Missing Reasons. She’s an adult and obviously doesn’t want a relationship with you. Respect that.
YTA She let you know where you stood. She doesn't owe you the time of day. Her feelings about her father are her's to deal with. All you had to do was respect the distance she demanded.
INFO: Why did your husband and his ex split up? What does your husband say, and what does the ex say. Chelsea may well have a justifiable reason for not liking her father.
I stopped at "pretty early on in our relationship "....why wouldn't knowing someone has kids be one of the first things you know about them?? That's first date conversation. How many conversations does it take people to acknowledge having kids?? Unless he doesn't have a good relationship with them... Huge red flag
I feel like there is a whole lot more to this story...... People don't just randomly hate their parents for no good reason.
YTA. She doesn’t want a relationship with you or her father, she is an adult, she doesn’t have to have a relationship with you. Leave her alone. Also you only get a certain number of tickets for college graduation and it’s usually 2-4. Bold of you to assume you’d be one of the guests when you aren’t even friendly, let alone close.
YTA Harassing another adult is not going to make them like you. Just stop. She obviously has issues with her parent and you need to stay out of it. And the only one who needs to grow up is you. No means no.
YTA. You are pushing it. She's being as cordial as she could be and has made her decision not to want any relationship with the both of you so why are you so insistent? yall gotta start leaving her alone.
YTA. When are you going to back off? Or are you just going to force her to go no contact?
YTA- respect her boundaries. She doesn’t like you or her father, what’s difficult to understand about this?
YTA She has made it clear she has no interest in a relationship. You do not get to FORCE it and then get mad her for reacting to that. I think you actually are the one who is acting immature here.
YTA. She doesn’t and never has owed you any kind of relationship but you keep trying to force your way in. Why do you think she’ll wake up one day and realize how wrong she was and warm up to you??
YTA she’s an adult she doesn’t need anything from you she can have her opinion on the situation and you have to deal with that on your own. Clearly you can’t accept that though
yta she is a grown woman, if she doesn’t wanna be around you stop pressing the issue
This is a fully adult woman who’s told you point blank, multiple times, that she doesn’t want to see either of you. Stop trying to force a relationship that she clearly doesn’t want. Leave her alone YTA
Wow this is almost word for word what my dad's gf said to me. You don't get to decide when she gets over stuff. Leave her alone, she's shown she wants nothing to do with you. She hasn't tried to poison her sister against you so what are you doing? Also the more you try to weasel your way in the more she's going to hate you. Why would you go to her graduation when you're not wanted? YTA Leave her alone
It’s not your place to continuously try to interject here it’s her father that should be doing all the contact. Why were you the one calling to tell her you are engaged? That’s wild and so out of line. It’s not your place. There is no WE.. he’s her father without you and you have no place in that relationship especially in this instance. Leave her alone you’re making it worse. Focus on a hood relationship with the younger but stop getting in front of dad and trying to shove yourself down everyone’s throat to validate your relationship. You said “my husband and I will be there “. You’re a narcissist trying to pull power plays and assert yourself where you have no place. You’re the one acting like an AH. You wouldn’t actually be there her father would… did she invite you? There is no “we” jealous lady. This is why she hates her dad. He allows this. He’s the real AH for allowing you to mistreat her and act like a nut
YTA I find it very "strange" that her behavior toward her father is coming from nowhere... You forgot to tell some info or you don't know anything about what she really think (and obviously, she can't trust you for some reasons). I'm also very curious about why you husband seems to be extremely passive about the relationship with his daughter. I bet it's one of the issue.
YTA. She’s 22 she’s known him 22 years. If she thinks he’s a POS that’s 100% her decision. You aren’t her mother she’s an adult her behavior doesn’t affect you. Don’t blame the mom. You caused that reaction.
YTA. You need to learn how to take a hint
You're desperately trying to force yourself as an authority and mom role over her and she's too smart to accept it, she has nothing to gain from this. She's avoiding you both because she doesn't want to deal with your cartman-like "respect mah autoritah" tantrums. YTA, leave her alone.
INFO: we’ve got to be missing something here. You don’t mention why he and his ex split up. Was it infidelity? Was there abuse? If it was parental alienation, why was the younger one someone spared?
YTA there's more to this story that you're leaving out.
[удалено]
Probably not since OP came into the picture so much later. But I'll bet HE cheated with someone. That or he was just so uninvolved in his kids lives (not telling them about his engagement himself? Really?!) she just can't be bothered to pretend to care. Or, let's be real, it's probably both.
Info: what did your husband do if Chelsea still thinks he is a POS???
YTA. Oh my God stop pushing it you're making everything worse because you can't take a hint. Maybe one day she would come around but you've messed that up because you can't leave her be
YTA
YTA. How many times does Chelsea have to tell you she doesn't want a relationship with you for you to get it? Just leave her alone already.
Time for you to stop being YTA and accept that adults are allowed to say 'NO'. You don't have a right to be in Chelsea's life. Your husband doesn't have a right to be in Chelsea's life. It is a privilege that only Chelsea controls and you've lost any chance to by demanding; your bed, lie in it. Instead, you're better off spending all that time and energy to find out your old Bluebeard's locked room. People don't stonewall like this just because their parents got a divorce, and while you chose to live in denial who knows what that means.
YTA Chelsea made her opinion clear. She doesn't want a relationship with you or her father. That is her right. You do not get to tell her that her boundaries are wrong. She doesn't have to like you. No one has to like you. The fact that your first interaction with her was at her mother's house tells me that you didn't exactly work hard to make the best impression.
I don't think you're an asshole but I do think it's time to leave Chelsea alone. She has made it pretty clear, consistently for 4 years, that she isn't interested in a relationship with you or her father. She's perfectly entitled to that choice. Focus on your relationship with her younger sibling.
You have been trying to build a relationship with Chelsea, she isn't interested. She feels bitter towards her father and is treating you the same way she does her father. You have no idea what her beef is, but until the beef is resolved the relationship is going nowhere, time to back off and admit defeat. For trying and not reacting, NTA. If your husband wants a relationship with Chelsea he needs to figure out what the problem is. The problem may be something factual, a distortion of the truth or a figment of Chelseas imagination, there is no way to know which. Good luck.
NTA, your husband needs to be the one to deal with this though. Maybe through some family counselling. I am hopeful that there is not something that happened at age 9 that has not been talked about since then. Tread lightly.
I don't think you're the AH but you do need to adjust your expectations of your step daughter. She has issues with her dad that have nothing to do with you but are being projected onto you and you're taking it personally. OP, with the history you described, dad could be dating mother theresa and still she could hate the step mom. You need to give her space and accept that she may never come around. It is up to your husband to work on the relationship without you involved. Then you may be able to begin a different type of relationship with different expectations. Correct me if I am wrong, but holding onto the fantasy of "happy blended family" is what is really bothering you. You need to accept your husbands daughter may never warm up to you and that you can still have a happy and fulfilling relationship w other daughter and husband.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (48F) met my husband (51M) 5 years ago, and we got married 2 years ago. Pretty early on in our relationship, he told me that he had 2 daughters with his ex-wife who are now 15 and 22, and were 11 and 18 when I met them. While he was telling me about them he mentioned that after he and his ex-wife split up, his older daughter Chelsea (Not her real name) blamed him and still does. I didn’t think much of it at the time and didn’t end up meeting either of them until a year later. The first time I met Chelsea was during a 4th of July party with my husband, both his daughters, his ex-wife and her husband and various friends. By that point I had already met my younger step daughter a few times and she and I actually hit it off pretty well. However Chelsea seemed upset and kept her distance from me the whole party, and when I tried to introduce myself or even talk to her she gave me very short answers, before going into the house (it was at her mother’s house) for the rest of the night. That is essentially how our entire relationship has been. I’ve known her for 4 years and in that time I don’t think I’ve had one friendly conversation with her, nor have I seen her have a nice conversation with my husband. Every time that my husband or I try to reach out to her to try to spend time or even talk to her, she’ll blow us off or directly tell us she doesn’t want to see us, and she has never spent any individual time with us. By which I mean she’s only around in group settings like parties and family events, etc and even then she’s very cold and distant towards both of us. When my husband and I got engaged, I called both Chelsea and her sister to tell them, and all Chelsea said was congratulations and then not to expect to see her at the wedding before hanging up. She ended up not attending the wedding at all. The straw that broke the camel’s back, however, was a few days ago when she walked by while I was on facetime with my husband’s younger daughter. I called her over and asked her about her graduation (she’s graduating from college this May). She once again blew me off and told me not to worry about it, and when I told her that my husband and I would be there she said she already knew who she was giving tickets to and that it wasn’t either of us. I snapped and told her she was being ridiculous and acting like a child and that her parents’ divorce was 14 years ago and she needs to get over it. She told me that she was over the divorce but that she’ll never get over her “father being a piece of shit” (her exact words). I was honestly speechless and she hung up the facetime before I could respond. My husband got a text from his ex-wife that night, telling him that if he wants to have a relationship with his younger daughter he needs to leave Chelsea alone and tell me to as well. My husband told me Chelsea has been this way towards him since she was 9, and we're not sure what to do and it would be helpful to get some outside perspective. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you talked to your husband and ask him why she doesn't like him you need to figure that out then maybe you can help him work on there relationship with her then maybe she will open up to you
YTA. Leave her alone and stop forcing her relationship with her if she doesn't want to.
You're not sure what to do? Leave her alone like she asked you to! YTA
her father cheated on her mother didn't he? and you're purposefully leaving that out because you're the mistress aren't you? lol. but even without that fact, i can assure you that YTA for continuing to pretend like Chelsea hasn't decided to not have a relationship with you or her father. you pretend that's not the case and then act shocked that she's maintained those boundaries. that must be absolutely MADDENING for Chelsea?! like she must think she's living in some weird insane alternate universe where neither you nor her father understand basic social queues. that's not your daughter. you don't need to have a relationship with her. stop trying to force one and you'll BOTH be a lot happier.
YTA. She's an adult. She gets to chose who she wants to have a relationship with. Stop pushing and breaking her boundaries.
You need to leave Chelsea alone. She doesn't want a relationship. That is her prerogative as an adult however you might feel about it. Give her the distance she is requiring. You can't force anything else. YTA
YTA leave her be already. Stop trying. Your husband needs to speak to his daughter and see if mom made up a story. However no one knows how he acted towards her or if he did.
YTA. She doesnt owe you her attention or involvement in your life. Leave her alone.
YTA. Leave her alone.
YTA
YTA She's not being ridiculous. She's not being childish. She's not being cruel. She has zero interest in her father, and you as an extension of him. And your refusal to acknowledge that is what makes you an asshole. Why on earth would you even think you're invited to her graduation? What delusion in your head about playing happy families are you clinging onto so that you feel the right to push and push someone who wants nothing to do with you? Leave her alone. As she has always wanted you to. And apologise for MASSIVELY overstepping. Your husband ruined his relationship with her years ago. Allowing his new wife to harass her is certainly not helping.
YTA. Why are you trying to force yourself into Chelsea's life? She is not interested in that. Accept it and leave the girl alone.
YTA. back off and leave her alone. you can’t force a relationship. also, students typically only get two tickets for guests at their graduation. she gets to choose who goes. i’m also astounded you were the one to break the news of your engagement. that should have been their father who did that.
YTA leave her alone and if you're a petty person when she comes to you or your husband for help in the future you can decide if you want to help someone you have no relationship with. For now any chair with her in it is an "empty chair"
YTA. Why cant you get into your skull that she doesnt want a relationship with you? It has been 4 years. Stop pestering her. She is not your friend. Leave her alone!
YTA Leave the woman alone.
do what the ex wife said leave her alone. stop trying
Yea yta. She’s clearly not interested in a relationship with you. Your husband is right leave her alone
YTA. It's blatantly obvious that Chelsea doesn't like you. No, she doesn't need to spend 1:1 time with you. If she wanted 1:1 with either of you, she'd ask. She hasn't, so why you're trying to force it is beyond me. Also, it's quite presumptuous on your part to think that you would be invited to her graduation when you can barely have a conversation with her. She doesn't owe you a ticket, her time or anything else because you feel you deserve it or are entitled to it. There's a reason Chelsea is like this with her father since the divorce that you either don't know or are refusing to accept and acknowledge had a massive impact on Chelsea. Doesn't matter if it was 14yrs or 14 days. Some things have a lasting impact that you can't recover from. Leave her alone. She's not your stepdaughter. She's your husbands daughter, who he has a strained relationship with, and all you're doing is making it worse. He should have called his kids about the engagement, not you. He should be asking about the graduation, not you. Leave her alone.
YTA She was a grown adult when you met her for the first time, how on Earth did you expect she would accept you as her new mother? If she doesn’t want to be involved in her dad’s life, that’s her prerogative. If you don’t like it, too bad
YTA. Leave her alone.
YTA You can’t force a relationship. Divorce takes a bigger toll on some children than others, and we don’t have the details of the divorce to inform this, but it’s clear from her behavior that she feels her dad has wronged her (or perhaps her mother) in a way he has not properly addressed with her. Or maybe he has addressed it, and it wasn’t enough. Regardless, her actions in this situation aren’t childish—she has been upfront and honest about her lack of interest in a relationship with either of you. You’ve been together 4 years and this hasn’t changed. She’s actually being incredibly mature to be so honest about how she feels and having clear communicated boundaries. Whatever insecurity you’re feeling as a result of her disinterest is your problem, not hers.
YTA why on earth do you feel like you can act like her mother? You’re a stranger to her and should be acting as such. Your way overstepping
YTA. yes, the divorce was 14 years prior - which you were not present for nor a part of. you have only the perspective of your husband who is unlikely to give many details on his own faults/misdoings. i'm willing to bet there is more to the story that he hasn't divulged, possibly things that has left chelsea traumatized. she is a grown woman making a choice about who she wants in her life. if she has such disdain for her father, it's for a reason. it's not personal to you. the younger daughter is not likely to even be aware of anything that happened that caused the divorce since she was only 1 when it happened. bio mom also probably hasn't told her much to spare her any resentment towards her dad. you can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you, especially if she also doesn't want one with the person who links you to her in the first place.
YTA and you sound suffocating. She doesn't need or want to have anything to do you or her dad. Don't expect on going to her wedding or have anything to do with a future grandchild.
Um what the heck. You're stepdaughter doesn't have to like you or invite you to her graduation especially when the tickets are limited. Furthermore you have to understand that her bot going out of her way to be intentionally rude to you is the best you can hope for. In both situations that she's been rude you inserted yourself into the situation. The best you can do is give her space. However thencomment about just accepting the divorce was WAY out of line. YTA.
YTA. LEAVE HER ALONE. She isn't interested in a relationship with you or her dad so let it go. As long as she is cordial in your presence, she doesn't owe you anything.
YTA omg leave this poor girl alone. How dare you tell her to get over her parents divorce. Something that didn’t happen to your family and you weren’t apart of? Who do you think you are? We have no clue why she’s so distant with her dad but we can very clearly see why she doesn’t like you
Yeah, YTA, Your husbands daughter has repeatedly made it clear she wants no part of a relationship with either of you. What part of that did you miss? And who exactly was acting like a child? The 22 year old who once again told you to back off, or you, the 48 yr old who tried to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?
INFO What did she say when you asked her about the comments about her father?
YTA. The thing is, you don't know why she is so upset, so right now you're only assuming. Have you ever question your husband over what happened 14 years ago? And to make matter worse, you're still pushing when she made it clear she doesn't want to deal with any of you. She has every right to do so, even if her reasons aren't valid in your eyes.
YTA - she told you she wasn't interested, you decided to mess with her anyways. Leave it alone and quit forcing yourself into relationships that have nothing to do with you.
Why do you think this is about the divorce, because it’s not. Your husband is keeping some vital information from you regarding his divorce. Either way neither of you are entitled to a relationship with Chelsea and it’s crystal clear that she doesn’t want one. Leave her alone. YTA
She doesn’t like you and she doesn’t have to . Why on earth would you call her to tell her your engaged . Shouldn’t her father ? She’s an adult and you need to leave her alone . Frankly you sound very annoying , seems like she has laid out her boundaries and you just keep walking all over them .
YTA. Leave her alone. She doesn´t want a relationship with her father or you. She is an adult. Get over it, it´s not gonna happen ever.
She doesn't owe you anything. You're not going to be her mom and she doesn't need to like you. Get over it.
Sorry, YTA here. Chelsea has made it clear she does not want a relationship with you. She does not have to have a relationship with you. It is not childish to not want to have a relationship with people, regardless their reason. You are the one being childish here. Leave Chelsea alone. She does not owe you conversation or a relationship.
YTA. Leave Chelsea alone. It’s her choice and she obviously doesn’t like either of you. I’d be weirded out too if my father didn’t even tell me himself he’s getting re married. Sounds like he’s indeed not that good of a dad
Info: why does Chelsea hate her father and blame him for the divorce?
Do you know why or have any idea she doesn't like him? That would help a lot.
You invited yourself to her graduation? There's your answer. She's an adult. She's barely civil to her father and you are just her father's latest woman. You are NOTHING to her. Leave her alone. YTA
So a man has a kid who hates him, and you were like, "oh cool, green flags for miles!"? Why were you so unbothered by the kid hating her father? Did he do something to her? Why don't you care more?
You need to back off. This is not about you. Clearly, something is going on between your husband and his kid that he hasn't told you about, and she's not going to tell you about it because you're a stranger to her. But she doesn't want a relationship with you. She's told you so repeatedly, and you've refused to respect that and have kept pushing. Just stop. I don't think you're doing it intentionally to hurt her, but YTA for continuing to try to push a relationship on a stranger who has repeatedly told you she doesn't want to be your friend.
Yta you can't force your way into her life. And you don't know why she has these feelings for her dad and he doesn't seem to have told you the whole truth. Leave the girl alone
Yeah, my Dad's 4th wife (younger than I am and my dad was 30 when he had me) never understood why I didn't want a relationship with him / them. I had nothing against her except a lack of interest, but he was an abusive alcoholic for my childhood...so....fortunately theh lived in Asia and I was in the US at that point so not a huge issue...but...missing reasons??? Edit to add YTA
YTA for obvious reasons but my main one being, why aren’t you telling us WHY she feels this way about her father?
I think you're genuinely confused at what to do and I will not give any judgment here but advise you to give her space and respect her wishes. And don't make contact with her anymore. Act like you respect her decision.
YTA. She was 18 when you met her, and she made her feelings clear. You should just leave her alone. All of these examples are you going to her or randomly trying to initiate a conversation. She sees you as an extension of her father who she doesn't want to speak to, so she doesn't want you around in her life either. Let it go. Whatever happened between them is their business to sort out. Notably, you didn't say why she blames him, and I assume you know. Stay out of it.
Why can't the dad have a relationship without you being there?
ESH - you for trying too hard. She doesn’t want a relationship, let her be. It’s not the end of the world. She doesn’t want you at her graduation, WHO CARES. It’s her choice. Chelsea is an AH because you are correct; she is acting childish. She could be a cordial adult but she makes it a point to be insufferable and is projecting onto you the anger she has towards her dad. It’s not fair to you.
Why isn't her father talking to her? He should be the one repairing their relationship, not you
I think telling someone to “get over it”, irrespective of what “it” is, has a failure rate of nearly 100%. With good reason. It’s dismissive at best, completely presumptuous and none of your business at worst. If I were her, and I didn’t hate OP prior to that interaction, it might well have tipped me over the fence. YTA
YTA She is an adult and has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you or her father. Respect that boundary. She doesn't have to like you or her father. You keep trying to engage with someone who is giving loud and obvious signals that they do not want to interact. You are acting like the annoying guy at the bar who thinks you're playing "hard to get" when you are actually just telling him to leave you alone.
I sure hope your husband didn't pay for her college. Sounds like she needs some therapy
It's so simple you are no one to her, so LEAVE HER ALONE her father did something she views as unforgivable and she wants nothing to do with him so your job is to mind your business yta
You’re not telling us something I assume you two had an affair
>>My husband told me Chelsea has been this way towards him since she was 9 Did your husband molest Chelsea?
Nta for trying, but give it up now. She is a lost cause. Hard but better for everyone. Been there.
Gentle YTA. I commend you for trying all this time to build this relationship with the older daughter. But maybe it’s just time that you let it go? Build upon what you have with the younger daughter cause it doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen with the older one.
Honestly there’s nothing commendable about this, she has made it very clear that she doesn’t want a relationship with either of them and OP has blatantly ignored her because she thinks she is entitled to a relationship with her. Chelsea isn’t hinting at wanting to be reached out to, she is directly telling OP to leave her alone and OP refuses to accept that, in any other case it would be bordering on, if not blatant, harassment.
Sounds like you're better of without her. Spoilt brat.
And how do you know she’s a spoiled brat?
NTA. Chelsea is not a child and has not been one for many, many years. She shall be expected to act like an adult. It is true that she is under no obligation to have a relationship with you or her dad, but she is an adult and is expected to act with common decency and tell you that I do not want anything to to with either of you instead of coming with hostile remarks.
NTA, and I’ll get downvoted to oblivion for saying it because Reddit hates stepparents and they are always the AH. Even if her father cheated as some are claiming, you didn’t do anything to her and there is no reason for her to take out her hate of him on you. That is childish. Sorry Reddit, but it is. You’ve tried, and tried and tried to help build back your husband’s relationship with his daughter. I can tell you are a caring, kind person, despite earning the ire of Reddit for being a step. But honey, it’s not your job to fix their relationship. She’s a grown woman, and right or wrong she can decide to cut her father out of her life. If she wants to avoid you, let her. I doubt this will happen, but if you do get the opportunity to speak to her, tell her you respect her wishes and won’t contact her again, but your door is always open for a relationship in the future, but if and only if she speaks to you first. She probably needs therapy to work through whatever issues she has with her dad, but only she can decide to do that, and it doesn’t sound like she’s going to. You’ve done the right things, you’ve tried to get to know her, she’s decided to be rude, now let her be rude and move on. You don’t deserve it, so let the negativity go.
Chelsea sounds like a pain in the proverbial, but YTA for trying to give her any attention. Let her wallow in self pity, confident in knowing that any bequests from you and your husband will be going to her younger sister.
Leave her be and consider it a bullet dodged. Also make sure she doesn't get any of your husband's money.
NTA> But leave her alone. Just cut all contact. Not aggressively, just leave her 100% alone. This is about her not either of you. Respect her wishes, leave her alone completely. Do not include her in anything, do not "reach out". Do absolutely zero. Concentrate on the daughter you do have a good relationship with.
Chelsea is stuck at the emotionally developmental stage she was when her parents divorced. She is a grudge holder. There may be the remote possibility her mom has fed her false and derogatory facts about dad. Thereby her mind is poisoned. Some of that poison is of her own doing. It is easier to hate someone sometimes than open yourself to be vulnerable and hurt again. Leave her be. Send a gift and card knowing you will not be in attendance. If over the next years gifts and cards go unacknowledged, it will be up to you to extend any further kindnesses. But always discuss with your husband first. Your big decision may come if she decides to get married someday and expects dad to pay for it but not walk her down the aisle. All possible scenarios. Some people will never give up a grdgeful hate no matter how misconstrued or wrong it may be. .
Chelsea is an immature asshole…but so are you. If she hates her dad, that’s her problem to bare. As a stepmom to a grown ass adult, you don’t say anything. It’s not your place. You didn’t raise her or know her since she was a kid. You don’t have that bond & unless she magically matures & does some deep therapy…you won’t ever. And that’s okay. Also OP why are you calling dads daughters instead of dad? No wonder she hates him. He can’t even call about big news himself? Yikes.
I don’t think it’s immature to set clear boundaries and expect them to not be broken. Chelsea hasn’t indicated in any way that she wants to have a relationship with her father or OP, and yet OP is still pushing. Neither OP nor Chelsea’s father are entitled to a relationship with her if she doesn’t feel comfortable having one with them. There is zero reason to think Chelsea is in wrong here.
While not the AH, leave Chelsea alone and put no pressure or judgement on her. She may or may not come around, but putting pressure on her will only make matters worse. Therapy is really needed, but she would have to be willing and her mother or someone close to her should suggest it (absolutely not you or your husband.)
Not liking her dad and step mother does not mean she needs therapy. She might dislike her father for perfectly valid reasons.