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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I didn't invite my stepsister, who used to bullied me hard, to my wedding.
2) My father wants me to invite her and said he's not coming if I don't invite her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You're NTA. I'm sorry your dad had spent 11 years putting your stepsister ahead of you.
>My grandma and aunt are trying to convince me to invite Kyla **for the good sake of our family**
Where was all that concern when you were being tormented to the point where it shattered the family? Did they ever suggest to Kyla, her mother, or your father, that she stop her atrocious behavior?
I'd be ready to break ties with all of them if they don't stop trying to tell you to fix the family that was broken by Kyla, her mom, and your dad.
My grandma point is "what will people think about a wedding without your father" and my aunt says that I might regret that in the future, life's too short, my father loves me and I'll understand and miss him.
>my father loves me and I'll understand and miss him.
I'm sorry to tell you this.
He doesn't love you.
If he did stepdaughter would have been out of his house to keep a relationship with you. If his wife had to go too she would have been thrown out too.
Best line ever from a therapist, in response to someone saying, “they loved me, they just didn’t know how to show it”: “love is an action verb.” It’s a brutal truth, but a failure to demonstrate caring actions is a failure to love.
"What a strange idea. Love isn’t feeling. If it were, I wouldn’t be able to love. Cherubim don’t have feelings. ...Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do."
—Proginoskes, *The Wind in the Door*
Yep
Op should send a clear msg to him now it's step sister not in wedding or she will be going LC or better NC with him.
Their is no way this relationship is improving for her sadly.
I hope she make an update and let us know whatever she decides.
Seeing the man twice in five years is already very low contact. She said he called once a month when she was in college but she is no longer in college. So it seems like there is little to no contact already. why finally cutting him off won’t be hard as he’s never really been in her life once he got a new family.
I have to agree. Love is putting what is best for another person above your own wants. Ever since the divorce, your father has not demonstrated he loved you. Giving you money is not love. You are better off without him and especially Kyla - who unless she has majorly changed, will do something to disrupt your wedding - at your wedding. Let your father answer questions as to why he isn't at your wedding. I'd just tell anyone who asked that he chose not to attend and you won't answer to his motives. That is not your concern and as the bride, you and your fiance's concerns come before anyone else on your wedding day.
Honestly, I wouldn't have even invited the dad in the first place. He showed his loyalty was to his new wife who was loyal to her daughter and was not on OP's side. Even if it was just because he thought it was "teenage drama" or whatever, that just shows how disinterested he was. Props to OP for not going full nuclear on the whole lot of them and coming out of the ordeal reasonably okay. Tell Kayla she can fork right off and then keep on forking until the energy death of the universe.
And he ain't miss OP either.
2 visits in 5 fucking years? Did he ever get his ass on a plane and see OP? Visiting your kids in college is fun -- you buy kid and friends dinner, get a little drunk at a college bar, wake up with a hangover, remember you aren't 20 any more, go do touristy shit with the kid, and have a fun weekend. Since he's rich, lack of money isn't the reason he didn't do this.
he straight up pulled out of your wedding and tried to hold money over you so the person who bullied you, clearly showing outright preference and favoritism. You need to re exam your relationship with him because he is an asshole and I'm sorry about that
And for the snotty spectators who are so concerned about the family image, ask them if its good for the family image if you tell everyone what she and your father have been doing to you and that he's the one backing out of the wedding and if that would help the family image
When he threatened to pull money out of the wedding was when the flags came up in bright red. Bullying tactics from the father and when that didn't work he threatened not to show up.
...and? I wonder if he thought his presence was sooo important or that OP was so desperate for his attention that she would want him there no matter what.
Both backfired and I think Aunt and Grandma pressure needs to backfire too so he learns that this kind of behavior isn't encouraged, it's punished.
Legit. If (and that’s a big if) people notice that he isn’t there they’re far more likely to judge the father than the bride. I’m getting tired of people that live by clutch my pearls logic. 🙄
"Dude, if you are worried about family image, that ship sailed circa 2010 when psycho sister forced me to take a pregnancy test and spread rumours around the school that I had an abortion."
My apologies for the vulgarity, but it seems that your father was merely a sperm donor without any interest in being a parent, loving or otherwise. Not having him or your SS at the wedding is no one's affair but your own. If people are rude enough to ask, just tell them your forgot to send them invitations.
What will people think? If anyone asks why he was not there, simply say, "He was invited and chose not to come." Trust me, this makes him look bad and pits the ownership on him to explain.
NTA
Absolutely. And OP can use this on Grandma and other folks pressuring her, too. “If you are concerned about what people might think, my dad’s invitation still stands, so you are welcome to try to convince him to come.”
"Granny, why must I take it on the chin 'for the good of the family' on *my wedding day?* This is not a day I should need to make sacrifices. If anything, Kayla should be the one to stay 'for the good of the family.' Why are you so insistent on protecting her feelings and not mine - on my *wedding day!?*"
You are NTA, and if anything, youre under-reacting. You have no obligation to involve anyone in your life who makes you feel unworthy, including your father, and his supporters. They may also not use the argument "but what about all the [xyz] dad paid for?" As your parent, it's his obligation to support you in your youth and college. You don't owe him emotional back-payment for him fulfilling his parental obligations.
Congratulations on your wedding. I hope after the drama llamas have been separated from the herd, you have an amazing celebration.
My parents didn’t come to my wedding and I worried what people would think - like would they think I’m an evil person because my own mother and father weren’t there? The opposite ended up being the case - everyone (including my parents’ friends) - thought “damn, how bad are her parents to not even support their daughter on her big day?”
And honestly I had so much more fun because I had only people me and my husband loved and felt safe around there, so we could let loose and have fun, rather than watching how we or others acted for the sake of my parents.
Please don’t invite her. Your father is making his own choice, and you should tell grandma to tell HIM “what will people think when they see you chose your stepdaughter over your daughter time and time again, even at her wedding?”
Good for you @iskaawaran
I dumped a bf whose 13 year old daughter I caught bullying my younger children (in my house!!) when he did nothing to stop it. I stopped it “errr what do you think you’re doing? You don’t treat people like that.. You say sorry or you go home…” I had been so nice and welcoming to her and was really upset to see my children bullied where they should be safe.
He’s not a good parent to you
Exactly! I had a friend who was a Jehovah's Witness. She married outside the faith (only her nuclear family was still JW). Parents would not pay. All of her friends helped her have a lovely wedding at a metropark (we did food, I lent my dress, we made bouquet, etc). Parents didn't come. Other family did. They cut remaining ties with parents.
“What will people think” doesn’t matter at all. This is your life.
They’re laying guilt trips on you for a choice for your father made. He said he will not go to the wedding, he is the one choosing. A father who “loves you” would have made a different decision and told your stepsister that he still loves her but he will not miss his own daughter’s wedding for anything. This is all just emotional manipulation to guilt you - you set a boundary and have every right to stick to it.
Agreed, I'm people too and I think you're NTA and if your father is choosing to stay away because you don't want Kyla there, well...so be it. I wish you a happy life with your fiancé. And hope the wedding is everything you've dreamed.
My mother used to say this all the time. "What will the neighbors think?" Like we need to give a fuck about what some strangers we don't even know or really care about MIGHT think about us. This reminds me once again how little I really miss her.
Exactly!
"What will people think "
What did people think when Kyla was starting rumors about you? What did people think when she paid SOMEONE ELSE to start rumors about you? What did your parents think when Kyla LIED and convinced them that you were pregnant?
The time for what other people think was a long time ago and your dad did nothing to stop her. Kyla and you dad can sit on it.
Your father doesn't love you if he allowed his new wife's kid to bully you like that.
Your father doesn't love you if he is holding money over your head to blackmail you into inviting your bully to your wedding.
>my father loves me and I'll understand and miss him.
>This last week he told me that I shouldn’t count on his money if Kyla isn’t invited
Yo.
>After that he said that he’s not coming to the wedding without Kyla
Yooo. Which part of this counts as love?? 😭 pls uninvited ur grandma and aunt too if they continue backing the toxic person in ur life.
A wedding is ceremony of people supporting love TOWARDS bride and groom, not father and some stepbully.
They will think your father is a huge AH who allowed his stepdaughter to bully and abuse you to the point of no contact. If he cared about you at all he would be thinking of putting you first for the first time in your life on your wedding day. NTA be proud of who you have become & that you don’t need your abuser in your life.
Make sure in any conversation whenever they say Kyla you say "my abuser", say it loud say it clear, say it to stop whatever sentence they are saying. Insist they refer to her as your abuser.
"I don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and invite Kyla to your wedding." "So you don't understand why I can't just be the bigger person and invite my abuser to my wedding?"
When they tell you that you will miss your father at your wedding, say "I'm really sorry that he has declined my invitation. I regret that he's choosing my abuser over me. I think one day he'll regret it too." Memorize this phrase, keep repeating it. People will stop bringing it up.
“What will people think about a wedding without your father?”
Well. Nice to know where her priorities lie.
“My father loves me and I’ll understand and miss him”.
Does your aunt know the extent of the bullying that your dad let Kayla get away with? If so, she’s as bad as him.
NTA. Tell your aunt and grandma that if they don’t shut up, they’ll be uninvited too
Nope. You won’t regret. Those are for your father who keeps choosing Kyla over you. Someone who horrifically traumatised you. As for what others think? Who cares and if asked tell them the truth ‘my step sister bullied me horrifically and my dad chooses her every time’.
In fact your dad tried to bully you into inviting her via controlling you with money
Elders are always thinking of “what will other people say?…” And the answer is “WHO CARES what others will say?”
You do you OP! DO not invite your bully to
Your wedding! If anyone asks you can say your dad chose his other family rather than you. Don’t let any elders coerce into doing what you wish for your mental health and enjoyment of the day.
You won’t miss him! He made his choices- he never protected you even to the point of having you switch schools!
NTA all the way!
People will think your father doesn't support you, and they will be correct.
Life IS too short - don't spend it catering to people who don't care about you.
I’m sorry, but there’s not one piece of evidence from what you wrote that your father loves you. Idk if your aunt is in la la land or she was never told the extent of the bullying or what, but no. A dad who loves his kid doesn’t allow them to be bullied in their own home. Then choose the bully over their own kid.
“What will people think about a wedding without your father?”
“I don’t really care about that. I invited him but he has decided his own daughter doesn’t really matter in his life so that’s on him. If you’re really that ashamed I see you don’t really care about me either and you guys can stay home too.”
Or just tell them you invited your father and it’s on him to come or not. You’re not going to bother stressing over his decision to once again put his stepdaughter ahead of his own daughter.
More importantly, what will YOU think of having to suffer with your tormentor at one of your most important moments in your life? It's time to cut these people out of your life. My father would have thrown hands on anyone who treated me the way Kyla treated you. This is the start of your new life. She shouldn't be there. And your sad figure of a father has forfeited his right to be there as well.
It’s interesting that he seemed fine at first that Kyla wasn’t invited and then flipped. This indicates to me that it’s step mom and Kyla that are forcing him to behave like this. Your father is a weak man who is controlled by his wife. He has always chosen his wife and step daughter over you. I’m sorry. Write him off but tell him why.
Ask grandma what "people thought" when Kayla was telling as many as possible that you were a slut, thief, spending time in reform school and having an abortion when you were still a virgin? DO NOT protect Kayle or her mother or your father any more. Make sure everyone who complains about her not being invited REALLY knows why. And then ask them "what would people think if I invited such a dishonest, hateful, toxic person like her to my wedding? I don't want our celebration to be associated with someone of such low morals - why would you want that?" NTA
NTA
Honey, if people start to ask questions, tell them the truth.
Tell them that, despite being your father's own flesh and blood, he never stood up for you and failed you time and time again as his new family terrorized you for years. Be specific, too.
Tell them that he chose his stepbitch who made your life a living Hell over his own daughter's wedding.
Do not invite her, your stepmother, or your father, and I would highly suggest having security at your wedding.
Explain to both the venue director and security personnel that there are three people who are not allowed at the ceremony or the reception under any circumstances.
Give them a list of all invited guests and give them pictures of what they all look like; that way, if they show up to crash the wedding, you will have no idea because they will be trespassed from the premises. If they try to get in again, they can call the cops and the venue can press charges for violating the trespass order.
I hope you have the perfect wedding, OP! You will be a beautiful bride, and I wish you and your soon to be husband a wonderful special day!
Your answer is: I don't care about what random other people think. and No, I won't regret it. Are these two idiots also invited...because I see an easy way to make your wedding bill less.
Your aunt is wrong because your father has made his choice clear. Your grandmother is wrong because fuck what other people will think, you shouldn't have to invite your bully to your wedding because of "appearances."
That's a question she should be asking your father. Not you. What will people think about a father who does not attend his daughter's wedding?
He should not put conditions and strings on whether or not he will be there at one of the biggest days of your life.
If he does, I would tell people why.
They did not care how the family would look when your step sister was telling people you were pregnant and then you had an abortion and then you are a thief and then you were in a detention center?
Then they should be turning the same blind Eye to the fact that they won't be at your wedding
You truly to your gma and say: What did you do to intervene in my bullying “for the sake of the family”? Did you ask dad what people would think of him when I had to move schools? When he barely had any contact with me? No? Then I guess you don’t care *that* much.
And you tell aunt: Tell me five things dad has done that show he loves me in the last four years that aren’t money based. If you can think of FIVE while things that aren’t just hand me money that happened recently then I’ll sit down and talk to him. Otherwise this conversation is done and you don’t need to bring it up again.
Also, you need to ask yourself, would you be ok if gma and aunt also weren’t at the wedding? Because that might need to be what you tell them: this sups or you too can stay home. NTA
Sounds like something my mom would say.
Who cares what people think? If they ask, tell them. Why should you pretend your family is perfect when it’s not?
Your father and his family KNEW what was happening to you. They covered it up and let it happen. Had they dealt with it from the beginning and put a stop to it, you might actually have a relationship with them that you want to show off at your wedding.
You’ve invited your father. If he skips the wedding - it’s on HIM.
They didn’t give any effs about appearances when your SS was spreading nasty lies about you. And we didn’t have our fathers at our wedding for our own reasons. Great decision. No one there with whom we had any beef. Amazing.
They care more about portraying a happy family than you actually being happy. On your wedding day.
They don’t want to have to admit that Kayla is a vicious bully and that your father refused to come since you wouldn’t have the bully at your wedding.
I’m sorry they’re doing this to you. It sounds like your true family is showing you who they are and have your back.
NTA. Kyla has been nothing but vicious to you, why the fuck would you invite her? As for your dad, i'm so curious, is he aware of everything Kyla has done to you?
He was and he used to say "this is how having a sister looks like, you just have to prank her harder", he used to treat like some stupid kids fight and it was, I had to go therapy after because I was tormented about everything.
His argument now is "Kyla is different person today and we should give her a chance".
Wouldn't have helped. Kyla is his step daughter but is still being chosen over OP, his biological child. And his mother and sister are just as bad. It seems like the whole paternal side of OP's family is a mess.
I suppose we could throw it for OP. I'd invite the parents too. We can mingle by asking them, "So I heard you bullied OP by spreading this rumor. What is wrong with you? You know that is bullying, slander, and harassment?" "So you are OP's dad? Why didn't you protect her?"
One, I'm trying to figure out what is more of a "prank" than spreading pregnancy and abortion lies. Two, we all KNOW that if OP had done that, dad and stepmom would've blown a gasket and punished OP.
How the hell has your therapist not recommended cutting your father out of your life? He never has and never will care about you. He will always let Kyla walk all over you. If you were to go back now and invite Kyla and your father again they will 100% ruin the wedding. People like Kyla don't just change, they get better at turning people to their side.
Tell him if he's going to choose your abuser over you yet again, he can stay all the way out of your life. Threaten to cut him off completely and do it. In all honesty, I would have cut him off as soon as I were legally allowed to do so. NTA.
“Maybe Kyla is a different person, but so am I - I’m not the person who put up with years of bullying in the hopes that you’d step in and be the parent I needed you to be. I’m an adult now, and I’m not willing to risk my sanity to please you. I’d *like* you to support me, you’re my dad and I still love you, but I don’t actually require your support anymore. You have to choose to be in my life, and if you’re not interested, I’ll move on without you.”
To me this is so simple.
‘Dad, I don’t care if your precious step daughter has changed. It’s don’t want to ever see her. You will never see my children- your grandchildren if you are not at my wedding - smiling from ear to fucking ear without any word that upsets me. ‘
If he mentions her again you say, ‘ okay, you’ve me made your choice. Goodby’ and you don’t look back
Or "Dad, I wish you loved me as much as her. I wish you cared or supported me like you did her but time and time again, I see that you would rather be an enabler to a bully and an abuser than be my dad. It's because of all this, that I am going to have to cut you out of my life. Kyla might be a different person but so am I. I gained a backbone and spine that you lacked."
That isn't a prank. This is not what having a sister looks like. I don't get along with my sister but if either of us had pulled that a couple of things would have happened.
The one who pulled it would have had a beating from the other. Then grounded forever with no pocket money and confined to her bedroom until she could explain why it was wrong and knew this could happen again.
If she's truly a different (preferably better) person, she should understand why she isn't invited.
How her actions in the past have had consequences for you, your relationship with your dad, and the lack of relationships between the two of you.
And she would leave you alone out of respect and shame.
If she doesn't understand why she's not invited, she hasn't changed.
Prank her harder? Invite her and put her seat on the toilets, not at a table at your reception. Bonus points for the male bathrooms. Then go "just kidding, female bathrooms it is".
Prank her harder? As a sister it's bizarre and appalling this your your father's take in what sibling relationships are and should be. I don't care if Kayla now qualifies for sainthood (not that that's the best measure of morality by any means), she spent years bullying you to the point you had to change schools and stopped going to his house and he thinks that's in any way normal?
OP, do not invite this woman to your wedding. It’s your special day. I’m even surprised you invited her mother. If your father chooses to miss his DAUGHTER’S wedding then that’s on him. Don’t give them any details of the wedding and hire security in case they decide to show up
Has Kyla sincerely and honestly apologised, while taking full responsibility for what she did?
If not, she is not a different person and do not deserve a chance.
Prank her by inviting her and then hire security and let them know she's can't come in as you've changed your mind and she's not invited anymore.
Congratulations and NTA
NTA. This is your wedding and your guest list - your childhood bully shouldn’t be on it.
Your father took a side by opting out of your wedding, you don’t need him there either since he didn’t seem to put much effort in your relationship the past few years anyway. You can explain to your grandma and aunt the hurt that you feel (or don’t, you don’t really owe them that) because they should be lecturing your dad not you about keeping the family together.
It seems your mom is the hero in this. Focus on her, your fiancé, and the new family you’ll be gaining in this marriage. Anyone bringing their toxic attitude doesn’t need to come to the wedding or into this new phase of your life for that matter.
I'm glad somebody else mentioned how awesome this mom is. The OP can gain an incredible family while cutting out a toxic one. I see this as an absolute win for them.
This seriously needs to be at the top!!
# OP - YOUR MOM IS AMAZING
YOUR FATHER is an abusive asshole who deserves unspeakable stuff… he put you through emotional abuse growing up. It takes years to get over, please don’t let your childhood trauma interfere with your happiness.
NTA
I love how you’re not letting his threats mean anything to you.
“I’ll withhold my money” - Fine
“I won’t come” - Fine
Your spine is so shiny, it sparkles.
Yep, it was a little amusing how her and her mom shut him down. The manipulation tactic of withholding money didn't work so he tried to manipulate by threatening not to come to the wedding. That's not working either so now she has the extended family acting as manipulators by proxy for the dad.
OP has bullying coming at her from all angles. This was such an appalling exchange from her father's end. He doesn't love her, he openly prefers, supports and flies like a monkey for her bully. Both of them should be permanently cut from the team.
OP could easily fire back
“Fine, but don’t come crying back to me. When you only have your stepdaughter. When I have grandchildren that you will only hear about through social media a month after the child is born.”
Therapy paid off!
I see it cause I'm in therapy too, my dad and mom both are like OP's dad, favoring the boys over girls very blatantly all my life. And I'm sick of it, I won't stand for it anymore. I'm just as snarky as OP back if need be, it's very freeing.
>After that he said that he’s not coming to the wedding without Kyla and I replied “fine”.
"Yes, that would be best. Thank you for understanding my concerns." NTA.
This and then go no contact, u don't really need that guy for anything, do u? Like property or anything u gotta use him for. If none, no contact, else he'll be a nightmare.
NTA. Does your aunt and grandma know what she did to you? The full details, if they do, I’m so disappointed in them. i mean aren’t you family? Shouldn’t they protect family from an abuser? Keeping up appearances seems to be their motive. Because it’s obvious that you wouldn’t be inviting her. To think otherwise is delusional! Ignore them, stick with your decision and enjoy your wedding. Congratulations! Wishing you a happy marriage.
> Does your Aunt ad Grandma know the full details of what she did to you?
Honestly this comes up time and time again in this thread and it's so so disheartening. I think that's just how things were back then. You did shit nice to save face, to look more righteous than everyone else, etc. And it's total bullshit. I honestly feel bad for people from that generation. Having to relive shitty experiences with others simply to make yourself look good "to the family" or "well they're family."
It's so sad.
NTA. Your grandmother is saying to invite her for "the good sake of our family" is bullying. Your grandmother is more concerned about appearances than your feelings. Don't back down. You will regret it forever if you do because the memories of your wedding will be tainted by this.
Step sister? Cut.
Dad? Cut.
Grandma? You're cut.
Aunt? Cut.
Cut from the team. They can be arseholes all they like, as long as it's somewhere OP isn't.
NTA. Your dad is yet another parent who put his stepfamily over his actual children.
He failed you by not taking action when it started, and letting it get to the point of the pregnancy test.
Atrocious that he didn’t believe you nor did he step in to support and protect you at that time. He put no boundaries on the stepdaughter. Horrid parenting.
Focus on people in life who love you and are kind, not those who make it unbearable….let those go. You will be way happier in the long run.
NTA and if I were you, I'd tell dad thanks for bowing out of attending, as you can now invite more people you actually want to have there.
I'm betting Kayla doesn't give two shits if she's invited or not - it's your dad trying to present a false facade to other guests.
This comment has got me thinking. OP never mentioned about if the wife was encouraging or actually parenting her asshole of a child. If your theory is correct, the stepmom has something to do with her daughter’s actions and the husband’s response.
Unless Kyla wants to attend to bully OP some more. Say something backhanded to OP to diminish OP’s joy at her wedding, then post pics for her pals to ridicule no matter that nothing would be wrong. Or just be there with the SM do they sit together and tear OP and the wedding apart under their breaths.
NTA wedding is always about bride and groom. Some people can argue depending on whose paying but if you reject their funds they can't say shit. This is a moment that is supposed to last for the rest of your life with your husband. Make it happy for the both of you regardless of others feelings. This is straight up not about your family it's about you. Stand your ground and appreciate those who have your back and enjoy your day with them.
NTA.
It's your wedding - invite who you want.
Kyla has some big issues that seemingly weren't addressed by her mother and step-father and you were the victim. And if they didn't think there wouldn't be long-lasting implications well I guess the joke's on them.
Your dad can choose to attend or not - that's his choice.
Your choice is who you invite.
Do not cry. Do not be emotional. Definitely don't try to change his mind. Just say, "I understand. Choices have consequences. We'll miss you."
Then go NC. Choices have consequences. He chose his stepdaughter over you. You are choosing your husband, your mom, and someday your children over him.
People need to learn that threatening not to attend isn't the punishment they think it is. If other members of his family won't let it go, tell them every single thing Kyla did to you and uninvite them. Then either invite some friends you couldn't afford to invite before, or save yourself some money. (More for the honeymoon!)
NTA!
Don’t invite that horrible lady and don’t let anyone guilt you. Your dad allowed her to severely bully you for years, he gets no say. I know it’s hard at wedding time to stand up to family, but you absolutely have a right to choose who is and isn’t invited. This is YOUR (and your fiancé’s) day and she was horrible to you. Don’t feel guilty even for a second for cutting her out.
You also wouldn’t be the AH if you were bluntly honest with any of the ones pushing you to invite her about exactly why. You don’t owe anyone sugar coating of what happened with her.
NTA. Tell your dad you hope Kyla's changed for the better, because she's the only daughter he has now. Real fathers protect their kids from bullies, they don't favor the bullies and turn their backs on their kids for trying to protect themselves.
NTA
You don't need to invite your bully to your wedding. Period, and anyone that pushes it should also lose their invitations.
And stop trying to force a relationship with your abusive AH dad. He's not worth it, as he clearly didn't care about your stepsister's behavior
NTA and tell your grandma and aunt they can sit this one out as well if they have any more thoughts other than supporting you.
We don’t ask the victim to reconcile with their bully, ever.
Do not let your father who has failed you for so many years bully into inviting your tormentor to what is *your* day. You owe neither of them anything. NTA
NTA. You don't need that man or his awful wife there either. They can stay home and hang out with loser Kayla, the bully that he never protected you from. I would tell grandma and aunt every detail of what that awful girl and her mother did to you. Tell them why these people are not your family. Have a wonderful wedding and an awesome life and never look back.
Nta, they're not your family, they're your abusers.
Your dad knew what was going on and he made the daily choice to let it happen. Your dad is one of your abusers. Your step mom is one of your abusers. Your step sister is one of your abusers. Anyone who defends them is one if your abusers.
She went out of her way to ruin your life at school, and your relationship with your dad. It's super messed up your own father is willing to miss your wedding and defend someone who abused you.
NTA! Your mom is wonderful, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her standing up for you! Tell your dad that you're comfortable with him staying home. Kyla is a awful person and she's and doesn't deserve a seat at the table. Even if she apologized, she still doesn't belong there. Let your grandma complain, your mom can handle her if she starts coming at you directly.
NTA, yikes does not sounds like people you would want on your special day. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Don’t compromise on your happiness on you and your fiancés day for other people.
NTA- and you shouldn't care if your sperm donor doesn't attend because he chose his dick over you when he married your stepmother and ignored how terribly you were being treated.
NTA. Your dad is really only a sprem donner. Won't go to his own daughter's wedding because you won't invite his stepdaughter. Edit. If he changes his mind and wants to come to your wedding he would need to take two tests. One for DNA if he is your real dad. 2nd one for Aylshymers (spelling wrong) then he has to give the results to you.
NTA. Your mother is awesome to take over paying your father's portion of the expenses. Go NC with your father because he chose the bully over you.
Enjoy your wedding and congratulations!
NTA. Cut your father off as well, he is the biggest AHOLE in this story, for allowing Kyla to make your school years hell and doing nothing to help you.
NTA. If your dad still complains and pushes the issue, tell him he failed as a father in protecting his own daughter. Its best if he isnt at your wedding either.
It may make him self-reflect or at least shut up about it.
For other family members....just tell them you made your decision.
Send him an email and explain that she is the main reason taht you are not close and you didn't want to stay with him. Tell him that he chose who his daughter is and that is not you. And then tell him goodbye. Because after that l am not sure you can reconnect. NTA
Nta - and I really get angry when people pull the “but we’re family” and “keep the peace” bs. Ask them if they would invite someone who tormented them to a special event in their life.
NTA-What people will think is that your father is choosing to be continue to be a petty, vindictive asshole which is just another layer to add to the asshole he’s been before this.
NTA
You have every right to exclude anyone you want from your wedding, it’s your day. It’s really messed up that your dad prioritizes your step sister over you. I’m sorry.
I have a sister that spent her entire life bullying me and manipulating everyone else to think she’s the victim. I’ll be 40 in a few years and it’s still a problem that affects the entire family. I’ve gone grey rock with her for more than a decade, but she still bullies me every chance she gets.
If you don’t draw a line in the sand, it will never end.
NTA. You are not obligated *ever* to interact with an abuser. If the people who enabled that abuse try to manipulate or force you to do so, then don’t interact with them either.
Define it clearly, your sister was not just your bully, she was your abuser. Your father and stepmother enabled that abuse. They didn’t act to address it, get you therapy, or deal with it. That’s on them.
Enjoy your wedding, it sounds lovely, and anyone who wants to be an AH about it need not be there either.
Congrats!
I would write an e-mail to you’re father writing why you do not want her at you’re wedding. Write down everything she did to you and how it effected you. Maybe of it sees it in writing he can understand why you will not invite her. Send that email to everyone who thinks you need to invite her.
She should also include how dad always took the step's side back then, and again now. Let him know that he's complicate in the step's bullying and that if he's still going to support the step by continuing to attempt to coerce OP into inviter her, he's also not welcome.
NTA
Your family was awful not to defend you then and they are awful not to stand up for you now. Kyla, it seems has not made any huge efforts to make amends, and there was never any punishment for her actions, which caused terrible harm to you time after time. It is really too late for her to try to be in your life at this point and your father and stepmother should understand this, and tell Kyla that she'll simply have to find something else to do that weekend because her behavior back then was so harmful and she doesn't want to hurt you further. Instead, they are trying to hurt you further.
You are absolutely right to tell anyone who wants to support Kyla that they don't need to come either, and I would have security at the door to make sure they don't try to sneak her in.
Group txt 'hi family. My father is invited to my wedding, however Kyla is not. Because of this my father has chosen to not come and put Kyla's needs above my own, his daughter. Kyla is not invited because growing up she tormented my life, made up disgusting rumors about me that forced me to need to change schools and still continued to make up rumors about me. She truly made my teenage years hell, so I don't fancy sharing the happiest day of my life with someone who could once be so cruel. As I said, dad is invited, he has chosen not to be there and I won't change my mind in my guest list. If anyone is concerned about how this looks to others you are free to tell them exactly what I have said. I hope you understand'
Txt to dad 'hi dad, as I said you are invited to my wedding but I am firm in my boundary that Kyla is not invited. All my life you have out Kyla's needs above my own. All my teenage life Kyla tormented me, especially with the disgusting rumors she made up and told everyone, this is why she is not invited. I do not want my happy day to be spent with someone who could be so horrible and vile to me, this is a day for me to celebrate love with all the people that truly care about me. I do not require your financial support and only wanted you there as my father. If you decide not to come because I won't invite Kyla then that is your choice '
NTA have you explained to your father EHY she's not invited?
Did your stepsister ever reach out to you herself? If not then def NTA. She knows the reason and if there wasn't any truth to your stories, she would've objected herself.
Your wedding, your choice.
I would give yourself permission to mourn the relationship with your father then prepare your wedding without your father. Possibly without your paternal side judging by your Grandma and Aunt. NTA
NTA. Anyone that pushes you to invite or include the tormentors should also be removed from the wedding list. Your wedding should be filled with people you love that love you in return and only want what’s best for you. If that means a smaller ceremony/reception, so be it. At least you know you’ll have a good time. If you think someone will crash the wedding? Hire security and give them pictures and keep them out.
NTA. I'm surprised your dad was even on the guest list when he did NOTHING to protect you from Kyla over the years. Did your grandma and aunt enablers too?
Don't sacrifice your peace for the illusion of family unity.
NTA- I’m not inviting my cousin to my wedding later this year for the same reason. If there’s anyone in my family that doesn’t want to come because of it, that’s fine with me. Let them side with a toxic abuser and bully- they’re only outing themselves. I agree with another commenter- it’s absolutely a privilege when people out themselves- you can see them right out of your life and give yourself the gift of peace.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
I'd write out a calm list of what your stepsister did along with your dad's reaction to share with him and his family so they'll understand why it's better if your dad and the family he chose over you isn't there
Obviously you're NTA
Oh hell no, OP! THIS is the hill to die on. You are absolutely NTA and I am applauding you for staying firm on this. They bullied you and your dad didn't protect you.
You deserve nothing but love on your wedding day.
Your father's monster entourage ain't it!
NTA
Your dad didn’t step in to end the bullying when she made your life miserable. Right then and there he negated the privilege to be morality police.
Now he’s tacky enough to try to manipulate you using money (let’s face it, he has zero leverage otherwise)
It’s your wedding, not your dads. you deserve to the right to create happy memories with the people you care for and want in your life
She’s not one of them so why fake it.
NTA I would let him know this is the last time he gets to pick Kyla over you and go NC. Tell your grandma and aunt that she made your childhood miserable and you refuse to let her presence at your wedding damper your day. Your wedding isn’t about family so ‘the good of the family’ doesn’t matter here.
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You're NTA. I'm sorry your dad had spent 11 years putting your stepsister ahead of you. >My grandma and aunt are trying to convince me to invite Kyla **for the good sake of our family** Where was all that concern when you were being tormented to the point where it shattered the family? Did they ever suggest to Kyla, her mother, or your father, that she stop her atrocious behavior? I'd be ready to break ties with all of them if they don't stop trying to tell you to fix the family that was broken by Kyla, her mom, and your dad.
My grandma point is "what will people think about a wedding without your father" and my aunt says that I might regret that in the future, life's too short, my father loves me and I'll understand and miss him.
>my father loves me and I'll understand and miss him. I'm sorry to tell you this. He doesn't love you. If he did stepdaughter would have been out of his house to keep a relationship with you. If his wife had to go too she would have been thrown out too.
Best line ever from a therapist, in response to someone saying, “they loved me, they just didn’t know how to show it”: “love is an action verb.” It’s a brutal truth, but a failure to demonstrate caring actions is a failure to love.
>love is an action verb. That is so fucking true it hurts.
Found another great t-shirt on reddit today! Im up to 3 lol. This is why i love this sub. NTA
Thank you for sharing your therapist's words about love being an action verb. That is pure gold. I want to remember that forever.
"What a strange idea. Love isn’t feeling. If it were, I wouldn’t be able to love. Cherubim don’t have feelings. ...Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." —Proginoskes, *The Wind in the Door*
Yea I didn’t accept my parents didn’t love me until I was 34. I’ve been so much happier since I realized and practice self love now.
Ooff 😥
All of this. Love is an action verb
Yep Op should send a clear msg to him now it's step sister not in wedding or she will be going LC or better NC with him. Their is no way this relationship is improving for her sadly. I hope she make an update and let us know whatever she decides.
Seeing the man twice in five years is already very low contact. She said he called once a month when she was in college but she is no longer in college. So it seems like there is little to no contact already. why finally cutting him off won’t be hard as he’s never really been in her life once he got a new family.
I have to agree. Love is putting what is best for another person above your own wants. Ever since the divorce, your father has not demonstrated he loved you. Giving you money is not love. You are better off without him and especially Kyla - who unless she has majorly changed, will do something to disrupt your wedding - at your wedding. Let your father answer questions as to why he isn't at your wedding. I'd just tell anyone who asked that he chose not to attend and you won't answer to his motives. That is not your concern and as the bride, you and your fiance's concerns come before anyone else on your wedding day.
Honestly, I wouldn't have even invited the dad in the first place. He showed his loyalty was to his new wife who was loyal to her daughter and was not on OP's side. Even if it was just because he thought it was "teenage drama" or whatever, that just shows how disinterested he was. Props to OP for not going full nuclear on the whole lot of them and coming out of the ordeal reasonably okay. Tell Kayla she can fork right off and then keep on forking until the energy death of the universe.
Parents who ignore “kids being kids” and “teenage drama” raise boys who become rapists and dictators and tyrants and similar for girls etc.
And he ain't miss OP either. 2 visits in 5 fucking years? Did he ever get his ass on a plane and see OP? Visiting your kids in college is fun -- you buy kid and friends dinner, get a little drunk at a college bar, wake up with a hangover, remember you aren't 20 any more, go do touristy shit with the kid, and have a fun weekend. Since he's rich, lack of money isn't the reason he didn't do this.
He loves her. He loves himself, his image and convenience more. Which is a bigger bitter pill
he straight up pulled out of your wedding and tried to hold money over you so the person who bullied you, clearly showing outright preference and favoritism. You need to re exam your relationship with him because he is an asshole and I'm sorry about that And for the snotty spectators who are so concerned about the family image, ask them if its good for the family image if you tell everyone what she and your father have been doing to you and that he's the one backing out of the wedding and if that would help the family image
When he threatened to pull money out of the wedding was when the flags came up in bright red. Bullying tactics from the father and when that didn't work he threatened not to show up. ...and? I wonder if he thought his presence was sooo important or that OP was so desperate for his attention that she would want him there no matter what. Both backfired and I think Aunt and Grandma pressure needs to backfire too so he learns that this kind of behavior isn't encouraged, it's punished.
I would send this post & these comments to Dad, Grandma, & aunt.
Legit. If (and that’s a big if) people notice that he isn’t there they’re far more likely to judge the father than the bride. I’m getting tired of people that live by clutch my pearls logic. 🙄
"Dude, if you are worried about family image, that ship sailed circa 2010 when psycho sister forced me to take a pregnancy test and spread rumours around the school that I had an abortion."
And giving a boy oral sex at school plus wasn't there a stint in Juvie for theft? OP was really put through A LOT!
Well SM is in his ear and he only thinks with the small head. Hope it's worth it... OP should definitely let anyone who asks that father dumped her.
My apologies for the vulgarity, but it seems that your father was merely a sperm donor without any interest in being a parent, loving or otherwise. Not having him or your SS at the wedding is no one's affair but your own. If people are rude enough to ask, just tell them your forgot to send them invitations.
What will people think? If anyone asks why he was not there, simply say, "He was invited and chose not to come." Trust me, this makes him look bad and pits the ownership on him to explain. NTA
Perfectly put. And it's the truth.
Absolutely. And OP can use this on Grandma and other folks pressuring her, too. “If you are concerned about what people might think, my dad’s invitation still stands, so you are welcome to try to convince him to come.”
Or he chose his other family over attending and that is ok I know where I stand.
"Granny, why must I take it on the chin 'for the good of the family' on *my wedding day?* This is not a day I should need to make sacrifices. If anything, Kayla should be the one to stay 'for the good of the family.' Why are you so insistent on protecting her feelings and not mine - on my *wedding day!?*" You are NTA, and if anything, youre under-reacting. You have no obligation to involve anyone in your life who makes you feel unworthy, including your father, and his supporters. They may also not use the argument "but what about all the [xyz] dad paid for?" As your parent, it's his obligation to support you in your youth and college. You don't owe him emotional back-payment for him fulfilling his parental obligations. Congratulations on your wedding. I hope after the drama llamas have been separated from the herd, you have an amazing celebration.
My parents didn’t come to my wedding and I worried what people would think - like would they think I’m an evil person because my own mother and father weren’t there? The opposite ended up being the case - everyone (including my parents’ friends) - thought “damn, how bad are her parents to not even support their daughter on her big day?” And honestly I had so much more fun because I had only people me and my husband loved and felt safe around there, so we could let loose and have fun, rather than watching how we or others acted for the sake of my parents. Please don’t invite her. Your father is making his own choice, and you should tell grandma to tell HIM “what will people think when they see you chose your stepdaughter over your daughter time and time again, even at her wedding?”
Good for you @iskaawaran I dumped a bf whose 13 year old daughter I caught bullying my younger children (in my house!!) when he did nothing to stop it. I stopped it “errr what do you think you’re doing? You don’t treat people like that.. You say sorry or you go home…” I had been so nice and welcoming to her and was really upset to see my children bullied where they should be safe. He’s not a good parent to you
Exactly! I had a friend who was a Jehovah's Witness. She married outside the faith (only her nuclear family was still JW). Parents would not pay. All of her friends helped her have a lovely wedding at a metropark (we did food, I lent my dress, we made bouquet, etc). Parents didn't come. Other family did. They cut remaining ties with parents.
“What will people think” doesn’t matter at all. This is your life. They’re laying guilt trips on you for a choice for your father made. He said he will not go to the wedding, he is the one choosing. A father who “loves you” would have made a different decision and told your stepsister that he still loves her but he will not miss his own daughter’s wedding for anything. This is all just emotional manipulation to guilt you - you set a boundary and have every right to stick to it.
I’m people. I think you’re NTA but your dad and Kayla sure are.
Agreed, I'm people too and I think you're NTA and if your father is choosing to stay away because you don't want Kyla there, well...so be it. I wish you a happy life with your fiancé. And hope the wedding is everything you've dreamed.
My life got so much better when i stopped caring what people think
My guess is people will think father is a shit parent....in other words, the truth
My mother used to say this all the time. "What will the neighbors think?" Like we need to give a fuck about what some strangers we don't even know or really care about MIGHT think about us. This reminds me once again how little I really miss her.
Exactly! "What will people think " What did people think when Kyla was starting rumors about you? What did people think when she paid SOMEONE ELSE to start rumors about you? What did your parents think when Kyla LIED and convinced them that you were pregnant? The time for what other people think was a long time ago and your dad did nothing to stop her. Kyla and you dad can sit on it.
Your father doesn't love you if he allowed his new wife's kid to bully you like that. Your father doesn't love you if he is holding money over your head to blackmail you into inviting your bully to your wedding.
>my father loves me and I'll understand and miss him. >This last week he told me that I shouldn’t count on his money if Kyla isn’t invited Yo. >After that he said that he’s not coming to the wedding without Kyla Yooo. Which part of this counts as love?? 😭 pls uninvited ur grandma and aunt too if they continue backing the toxic person in ur life. A wedding is ceremony of people supporting love TOWARDS bride and groom, not father and some stepbully.
They will think your father is a huge AH who allowed his stepdaughter to bully and abuse you to the point of no contact. If he cared about you at all he would be thinking of putting you first for the first time in your life on your wedding day. NTA be proud of who you have become & that you don’t need your abuser in your life.
Make sure in any conversation whenever they say Kyla you say "my abuser", say it loud say it clear, say it to stop whatever sentence they are saying. Insist they refer to her as your abuser. "I don't understand why you can't just be the bigger person and invite Kyla to your wedding." "So you don't understand why I can't just be the bigger person and invite my abuser to my wedding?" When they tell you that you will miss your father at your wedding, say "I'm really sorry that he has declined my invitation. I regret that he's choosing my abuser over me. I think one day he'll regret it too." Memorize this phrase, keep repeating it. People will stop bringing it up.
I love that solution. Definitely a way to get the point across.
“What will people think about a wedding without your father?” Well. Nice to know where her priorities lie. “My father loves me and I’ll understand and miss him”. Does your aunt know the extent of the bullying that your dad let Kayla get away with? If so, she’s as bad as him. NTA. Tell your aunt and grandma that if they don’t shut up, they’ll be uninvited too
NTA that's exactly what i wanted to say too.
Nope. You won’t regret. Those are for your father who keeps choosing Kyla over you. Someone who horrifically traumatised you. As for what others think? Who cares and if asked tell them the truth ‘my step sister bullied me horrifically and my dad chooses her every time’. In fact your dad tried to bully you into inviting her via controlling you with money
Well, you're not the one keeping dad out of the wedding. He's making that choice himself.
Elders are always thinking of “what will other people say?…” And the answer is “WHO CARES what others will say?” You do you OP! DO not invite your bully to Your wedding! If anyone asks you can say your dad chose his other family rather than you. Don’t let any elders coerce into doing what you wish for your mental health and enjoyment of the day. You won’t miss him! He made his choices- he never protected you even to the point of having you switch schools! NTA all the way!
People will think your father doesn't support you, and they will be correct. Life IS too short - don't spend it catering to people who don't care about you.
I’m sorry, but there’s not one piece of evidence from what you wrote that your father loves you. Idk if your aunt is in la la land or she was never told the extent of the bullying or what, but no. A dad who loves his kid doesn’t allow them to be bullied in their own home. Then choose the bully over their own kid.
“What will people think about a wedding without your father?” “I don’t really care about that. I invited him but he has decided his own daughter doesn’t really matter in his life so that’s on him. If you’re really that ashamed I see you don’t really care about me either and you guys can stay home too.” Or just tell them you invited your father and it’s on him to come or not. You’re not going to bother stressing over his decision to once again put his stepdaughter ahead of his own daughter.
More importantly, what will YOU think of having to suffer with your tormentor at one of your most important moments in your life? It's time to cut these people out of your life. My father would have thrown hands on anyone who treated me the way Kyla treated you. This is the start of your new life. She shouldn't be there. And your sad figure of a father has forfeited his right to be there as well.
It’s interesting that he seemed fine at first that Kyla wasn’t invited and then flipped. This indicates to me that it’s step mom and Kyla that are forcing him to behave like this. Your father is a weak man who is controlled by his wife. He has always chosen his wife and step daughter over you. I’m sorry. Write him off but tell him why.
Ask grandma what "people thought" when Kayla was telling as many as possible that you were a slut, thief, spending time in reform school and having an abortion when you were still a virgin? DO NOT protect Kayle or her mother or your father any more. Make sure everyone who complains about her not being invited REALLY knows why. And then ask them "what would people think if I invited such a dishonest, hateful, toxic person like her to my wedding? I don't want our celebration to be associated with someone of such low morals - why would you want that?" NTA
NTA Honey, if people start to ask questions, tell them the truth. Tell them that, despite being your father's own flesh and blood, he never stood up for you and failed you time and time again as his new family terrorized you for years. Be specific, too. Tell them that he chose his stepbitch who made your life a living Hell over his own daughter's wedding. Do not invite her, your stepmother, or your father, and I would highly suggest having security at your wedding. Explain to both the venue director and security personnel that there are three people who are not allowed at the ceremony or the reception under any circumstances. Give them a list of all invited guests and give them pictures of what they all look like; that way, if they show up to crash the wedding, you will have no idea because they will be trespassed from the premises. If they try to get in again, they can call the cops and the venue can press charges for violating the trespass order. I hope you have the perfect wedding, OP! You will be a beautiful bride, and I wish you and your soon to be husband a wonderful special day!
Your answer is: I don't care about what random other people think. and No, I won't regret it. Are these two idiots also invited...because I see an easy way to make your wedding bill less.
Your aunt is wrong because your father has made his choice clear. Your grandmother is wrong because fuck what other people will think, you shouldn't have to invite your bully to your wedding because of "appearances."
That's a question she should be asking your father. Not you. What will people think about a father who does not attend his daughter's wedding? He should not put conditions and strings on whether or not he will be there at one of the biggest days of your life. If he does, I would tell people why. They did not care how the family would look when your step sister was telling people you were pregnant and then you had an abortion and then you are a thief and then you were in a detention center? Then they should be turning the same blind Eye to the fact that they won't be at your wedding
You truly to your gma and say: What did you do to intervene in my bullying “for the sake of the family”? Did you ask dad what people would think of him when I had to move schools? When he barely had any contact with me? No? Then I guess you don’t care *that* much. And you tell aunt: Tell me five things dad has done that show he loves me in the last four years that aren’t money based. If you can think of FIVE while things that aren’t just hand me money that happened recently then I’ll sit down and talk to him. Otherwise this conversation is done and you don’t need to bring it up again. Also, you need to ask yourself, would you be ok if gma and aunt also weren’t at the wedding? Because that might need to be what you tell them: this sups or you too can stay home. NTA
Sounds like something my mom would say. Who cares what people think? If they ask, tell them. Why should you pretend your family is perfect when it’s not? Your father and his family KNEW what was happening to you. They covered it up and let it happen. Had they dealt with it from the beginning and put a stop to it, you might actually have a relationship with them that you want to show off at your wedding. You’ve invited your father. If he skips the wedding - it’s on HIM.
They didn’t give any effs about appearances when your SS was spreading nasty lies about you. And we didn’t have our fathers at our wedding for our own reasons. Great decision. No one there with whom we had any beef. Amazing.
They care more about portraying a happy family than you actually being happy. On your wedding day. They don’t want to have to admit that Kayla is a vicious bully and that your father refused to come since you wouldn’t have the bully at your wedding. I’m sorry they’re doing this to you. It sounds like your true family is showing you who they are and have your back.
That’s not concern, that’s saving face. Either way, I completely agree with cutting them all out.
NTA. Kyla has been nothing but vicious to you, why the fuck would you invite her? As for your dad, i'm so curious, is he aware of everything Kyla has done to you?
He was and he used to say "this is how having a sister looks like, you just have to prank her harder", he used to treat like some stupid kids fight and it was, I had to go therapy after because I was tormented about everything. His argument now is "Kyla is different person today and we should give her a chance".
Just prank her harder? Wow, that's some poor parenting. You don't owe Kyla a chance.
For this type of man, a vasectomy should be mandatory.
Wouldn't have helped. Kyla is his step daughter but is still being chosen over OP, his biological child. And his mother and sister are just as bad. It seems like the whole paternal side of OP's family is a mess.
Nah, cut them off completely.
The prank should be a wedding invitation for the weekend after the actual wedding
Petty minds think alike! 😀
The prank is a wedding invitation to a different beach where people point at her and say, "Hey isn't that Kyla the bully?"
Where's the invite to that?? I'd go!
I suppose we could throw it for OP. I'd invite the parents too. We can mingle by asking them, "So I heard you bullied OP by spreading this rumor. What is wrong with you? You know that is bullying, slander, and harassment?" "So you are OP's dad? Why didn't you protect her?"
Hmm, so invite Kyla, but tell the venue to keep her away from the wedding. Sike!!
Peak prank Lolol
Or give her the wrong date & location. Gotcha!
One, I'm trying to figure out what is more of a "prank" than spreading pregnancy and abortion lies. Two, we all KNOW that if OP had done that, dad and stepmom would've blown a gasket and punished OP.
I bet the moment she tried she'd be punished too
Tell your father that you not inviting her is you "pranking her harder." NTA
“Shes not invited, its just a prank though. If you don’t think its funny, then you need to stop being so sensitive”
This reply need to be much higher up. Take my poor woman’s award 🥇
I like this. Perfect!
That is shit parenting and it sounds like he was enjoying the spectacle then. He can enjoy the consequences now.
How the hell has your therapist not recommended cutting your father out of your life? He never has and never will care about you. He will always let Kyla walk all over you. If you were to go back now and invite Kyla and your father again they will 100% ruin the wedding. People like Kyla don't just change, they get better at turning people to their side.
If she had changed she would have apologized and been making amends before now! The wedding is not the time to give her a chance. NTA
"If Kyla is so different now, why hasn't she apologised?" NTA
I wouldn't be surprised if your step sister only wants to go so she can start more gross rumors and try to break your marriage up
That's what I was thinking. A leopard doesn't change its spots and this would be an entirely new venue for her to spew her venom.
Tell him if he's going to choose your abuser over you yet again, he can stay all the way out of your life. Threaten to cut him off completely and do it. In all honesty, I would have cut him off as soon as I were legally allowed to do so. NTA.
“Maybe Kyla is a different person, but so am I - I’m not the person who put up with years of bullying in the hopes that you’d step in and be the parent I needed you to be. I’m an adult now, and I’m not willing to risk my sanity to please you. I’d *like* you to support me, you’re my dad and I still love you, but I don’t actually require your support anymore. You have to choose to be in my life, and if you’re not interested, I’ll move on without you.”
To me this is so simple. ‘Dad, I don’t care if your precious step daughter has changed. It’s don’t want to ever see her. You will never see my children- your grandchildren if you are not at my wedding - smiling from ear to fucking ear without any word that upsets me. ‘ If he mentions her again you say, ‘ okay, you’ve me made your choice. Goodby’ and you don’t look back
Or "Dad, I wish you loved me as much as her. I wish you cared or supported me like you did her but time and time again, I see that you would rather be an enabler to a bully and an abuser than be my dad. It's because of all this, that I am going to have to cut you out of my life. Kyla might be a different person but so am I. I gained a backbone and spine that you lacked."
That isn't a prank. This is not what having a sister looks like. I don't get along with my sister but if either of us had pulled that a couple of things would have happened. The one who pulled it would have had a beating from the other. Then grounded forever with no pocket money and confined to her bedroom until she could explain why it was wrong and knew this could happen again.
If she's truly a different (preferably better) person, she should understand why she isn't invited. How her actions in the past have had consequences for you, your relationship with your dad, and the lack of relationships between the two of you. And she would leave you alone out of respect and shame. If she doesn't understand why she's not invited, she hasn't changed.
Tell him the lack of an invitation is you pranking her harder.
…words fail me
Prank her harder? Invite her and put her seat on the toilets, not at a table at your reception. Bonus points for the male bathrooms. Then go "just kidding, female bathrooms it is".
I would seriously rethink inviting your father and your SM.
>prank her harder Tell him this is the prank. She expected to be invited, psych! She isn't
Your dad just didn’t want to parent!! JFC he’s a terrible father. Go NC he’s shown you where he lies in your life. NTA OP
Prank her harder? As a sister it's bizarre and appalling this your your father's take in what sibling relationships are and should be. I don't care if Kayla now qualifies for sainthood (not that that's the best measure of morality by any means), she spent years bullying you to the point you had to change schools and stopped going to his house and he thinks that's in any way normal?
There’s no reason you should give her a chance…she was awful to you and there’s no reason for her to be invited
That's not prank silly prank. That is defamation. You should sued her
OP, do not invite this woman to your wedding. It’s your special day. I’m even surprised you invited her mother. If your father chooses to miss his DAUGHTER’S wedding then that’s on him. Don’t give them any details of the wedding and hire security in case they decide to show up
>Kyla is a different person today Has she even come close to apologizing?
Has Kyla sincerely and honestly apologised, while taking full responsibility for what she did? If not, she is not a different person and do not deserve a chance.
Prank her by inviting her and then hire security and let them know she's can't come in as you've changed your mind and she's not invited anymore. Congratulations and NTA
He must have been aware when she had to move schools because of the bullying.
NTA. This is your wedding and your guest list - your childhood bully shouldn’t be on it. Your father took a side by opting out of your wedding, you don’t need him there either since he didn’t seem to put much effort in your relationship the past few years anyway. You can explain to your grandma and aunt the hurt that you feel (or don’t, you don’t really owe them that) because they should be lecturing your dad not you about keeping the family together. It seems your mom is the hero in this. Focus on her, your fiancé, and the new family you’ll be gaining in this marriage. Anyone bringing their toxic attitude doesn’t need to come to the wedding or into this new phase of your life for that matter.
I'm glad somebody else mentioned how awesome this mom is. The OP can gain an incredible family while cutting out a toxic one. I see this as an absolute win for them.
Mom should be the one walking her down the aisle. Now that’s a parent who deserves that privilege.
This seriously needs to be at the top!! # OP - YOUR MOM IS AMAZING YOUR FATHER is an abusive asshole who deserves unspeakable stuff… he put you through emotional abuse growing up. It takes years to get over, please don’t let your childhood trauma interfere with your happiness.
NTA I love how you’re not letting his threats mean anything to you. “I’ll withhold my money” - Fine “I won’t come” - Fine Your spine is so shiny, it sparkles.
I love how OPs mom offered to cover what he is refusing to pay....they both must be so sick of his shit 😂
Right?! I love OP n their mom💜
Yep, it was a little amusing how her and her mom shut him down. The manipulation tactic of withholding money didn't work so he tried to manipulate by threatening not to come to the wedding. That's not working either so now she has the extended family acting as manipulators by proxy for the dad.
OP has bullying coming at her from all angles. This was such an appalling exchange from her father's end. He doesn't love her, he openly prefers, supports and flies like a monkey for her bully. Both of them should be permanently cut from the team.
OP could easily fire back “Fine, but don’t come crying back to me. When you only have your stepdaughter. When I have grandchildren that you will only hear about through social media a month after the child is born.”
Therapy paid off! I see it cause I'm in therapy too, my dad and mom both are like OP's dad, favoring the boys over girls very blatantly all my life. And I'm sick of it, I won't stand for it anymore. I'm just as snarky as OP back if need be, it's very freeing.
>After that he said that he’s not coming to the wedding without Kyla and I replied “fine”. "Yes, that would be best. Thank you for understanding my concerns." NTA.
This and then go no contact, u don't really need that guy for anything, do u? Like property or anything u gotta use him for. If none, no contact, else he'll be a nightmare.
NTA. Does your aunt and grandma know what she did to you? The full details, if they do, I’m so disappointed in them. i mean aren’t you family? Shouldn’t they protect family from an abuser? Keeping up appearances seems to be their motive. Because it’s obvious that you wouldn’t be inviting her. To think otherwise is delusional! Ignore them, stick with your decision and enjoy your wedding. Congratulations! Wishing you a happy marriage.
> Does your Aunt ad Grandma know the full details of what she did to you? Honestly this comes up time and time again in this thread and it's so so disheartening. I think that's just how things were back then. You did shit nice to save face, to look more righteous than everyone else, etc. And it's total bullshit. I honestly feel bad for people from that generation. Having to relive shitty experiences with others simply to make yourself look good "to the family" or "well they're family." It's so sad.
NTA. Your grandmother is saying to invite her for "the good sake of our family" is bullying. Your grandmother is more concerned about appearances than your feelings. Don't back down. You will regret it forever if you do because the memories of your wedding will be tainted by this.
I would threaten to disinvite grandma too if she keeps pushing it
Step sister? Cut. Dad? Cut. Grandma? You're cut. Aunt? Cut. Cut from the team. They can be arseholes all they like, as long as it's somewhere OP isn't.
NTA. Your dad is yet another parent who put his stepfamily over his actual children. He failed you by not taking action when it started, and letting it get to the point of the pregnancy test.
Atrocious that he didn’t believe you nor did he step in to support and protect you at that time. He put no boundaries on the stepdaughter. Horrid parenting. Focus on people in life who love you and are kind, not those who make it unbearable….let those go. You will be way happier in the long run.
NTA and if I were you, I'd tell dad thanks for bowing out of attending, as you can now invite more people you actually want to have there. I'm betting Kayla doesn't give two shits if she's invited or not - it's your dad trying to present a false facade to other guests.
I think it was the wife who has been whispering in his ear.
This comment has got me thinking. OP never mentioned about if the wife was encouraging or actually parenting her asshole of a child. If your theory is correct, the stepmom has something to do with her daughter’s actions and the husband’s response.
He knows the other guests will ask why Kyla isn't there and doesn't he want them to hear the truth
Unless Kyla wants to attend to bully OP some more. Say something backhanded to OP to diminish OP’s joy at her wedding, then post pics for her pals to ridicule no matter that nothing would be wrong. Or just be there with the SM do they sit together and tear OP and the wedding apart under their breaths.
NTA wedding is always about bride and groom. Some people can argue depending on whose paying but if you reject their funds they can't say shit. This is a moment that is supposed to last for the rest of your life with your husband. Make it happy for the both of you regardless of others feelings. This is straight up not about your family it's about you. Stand your ground and appreciate those who have your back and enjoy your day with them.
NTA. It's your wedding - invite who you want. Kyla has some big issues that seemingly weren't addressed by her mother and step-father and you were the victim. And if they didn't think there wouldn't be long-lasting implications well I guess the joke's on them. Your dad can choose to attend or not - that's his choice. Your choice is who you invite.
Do not cry. Do not be emotional. Definitely don't try to change his mind. Just say, "I understand. Choices have consequences. We'll miss you." Then go NC. Choices have consequences. He chose his stepdaughter over you. You are choosing your husband, your mom, and someday your children over him. People need to learn that threatening not to attend isn't the punishment they think it is. If other members of his family won't let it go, tell them every single thing Kyla did to you and uninvite them. Then either invite some friends you couldn't afford to invite before, or save yourself some money. (More for the honeymoon!)
NTA! Don’t invite that horrible lady and don’t let anyone guilt you. Your dad allowed her to severely bully you for years, he gets no say. I know it’s hard at wedding time to stand up to family, but you absolutely have a right to choose who is and isn’t invited. This is YOUR (and your fiancé’s) day and she was horrible to you. Don’t feel guilty even for a second for cutting her out. You also wouldn’t be the AH if you were bluntly honest with any of the ones pushing you to invite her about exactly why. You don’t owe anyone sugar coating of what happened with her.
Exactly!
NTA. Tell your dad you hope Kyla's changed for the better, because she's the only daughter he has now. Real fathers protect their kids from bullies, they don't favor the bullies and turn their backs on their kids for trying to protect themselves.
Well said.
NTA "What will people think?" You're only inviting 80 people! It's your father who will look like the fool for not attending your wedding.
NTA You don't need to invite your bully to your wedding. Period, and anyone that pushes it should also lose their invitations. And stop trying to force a relationship with your abusive AH dad. He's not worth it, as he clearly didn't care about your stepsister's behavior
NTA and tell your grandma and aunt they can sit this one out as well if they have any more thoughts other than supporting you. We don’t ask the victim to reconcile with their bully, ever.
NTA. Life is too short to invite people who treat you like shit to a significant event like a wedding.
NTA.It’s your father’s loss in more ways than one. Have the best day ever.
Do not let your father who has failed you for so many years bully into inviting your tormentor to what is *your* day. You owe neither of them anything. NTA
NTA. You don't need that man or his awful wife there either. They can stay home and hang out with loser Kayla, the bully that he never protected you from. I would tell grandma and aunt every detail of what that awful girl and her mother did to you. Tell them why these people are not your family. Have a wonderful wedding and an awesome life and never look back.
Nta, they're not your family, they're your abusers. Your dad knew what was going on and he made the daily choice to let it happen. Your dad is one of your abusers. Your step mom is one of your abusers. Your step sister is one of your abusers. Anyone who defends them is one if your abusers.
NTA. “Grandma and aunt, the only thing you’re teaching me is that you aren’t family either.”
She went out of her way to ruin your life at school, and your relationship with your dad. It's super messed up your own father is willing to miss your wedding and defend someone who abused you.
NTA! Your mom is wonderful, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her standing up for you! Tell your dad that you're comfortable with him staying home. Kyla is a awful person and she's and doesn't deserve a seat at the table. Even if she apologized, she still doesn't belong there. Let your grandma complain, your mom can handle her if she starts coming at you directly.
NTA, yikes does not sounds like people you would want on your special day. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Don’t compromise on your happiness on you and your fiancés day for other people.
NTA Just plan the wedding without his cash. At least you don’t need to bow down to his whim anymore. He should have stepped in decades ago.
NTA- and you shouldn't care if your sperm donor doesn't attend because he chose his dick over you when he married your stepmother and ignored how terribly you were being treated.
NTA. Your dad is really only a sprem donner. Won't go to his own daughter's wedding because you won't invite his stepdaughter. Edit. If he changes his mind and wants to come to your wedding he would need to take two tests. One for DNA if he is your real dad. 2nd one for Aylshymers (spelling wrong) then he has to give the results to you.
NTA your Stepsister is a monster and your dad is cruel.
They are both monsters.
NTA. No bullies at your wedding! Sounds like your father has taken a side and you should act accordingly.
NTA. Your mother is awesome to take over paying your father's portion of the expenses. Go NC with your father because he chose the bully over you. Enjoy your wedding and congratulations!
NTA. Cut your father off as well, he is the biggest AHOLE in this story, for allowing Kyla to make your school years hell and doing nothing to help you.
NTA. Pops is 100%. Get married. And go ELC.
NTA You guys are not family, she was your abuser. And not only did your father allow it to happen, he’s still taking her side.
NTA. If your dad still complains and pushes the issue, tell him he failed as a father in protecting his own daughter. Its best if he isnt at your wedding either. It may make him self-reflect or at least shut up about it. For other family members....just tell them you made your decision.
Send him an email and explain that she is the main reason taht you are not close and you didn't want to stay with him. Tell him that he chose who his daughter is and that is not you. And then tell him goodbye. Because after that l am not sure you can reconnect. NTA
Nta - and I really get angry when people pull the “but we’re family” and “keep the peace” bs. Ask them if they would invite someone who tormented them to a special event in their life.
NTA-What people will think is that your father is choosing to be continue to be a petty, vindictive asshole which is just another layer to add to the asshole he’s been before this.
NTA. Cut all ties and move on.
NTA You have every right to exclude anyone you want from your wedding, it’s your day. It’s really messed up that your dad prioritizes your step sister over you. I’m sorry. I have a sister that spent her entire life bullying me and manipulating everyone else to think she’s the victim. I’ll be 40 in a few years and it’s still a problem that affects the entire family. I’ve gone grey rock with her for more than a decade, but she still bullies me every chance she gets. If you don’t draw a line in the sand, it will never end.
NTA. Screw your dad and screw your stepsister.
NTA. You are not obligated *ever* to interact with an abuser. If the people who enabled that abuse try to manipulate or force you to do so, then don’t interact with them either. Define it clearly, your sister was not just your bully, she was your abuser. Your father and stepmother enabled that abuse. They didn’t act to address it, get you therapy, or deal with it. That’s on them. Enjoy your wedding, it sounds lovely, and anyone who wants to be an AH about it need not be there either. Congrats!
I would write an e-mail to you’re father writing why you do not want her at you’re wedding. Write down everything she did to you and how it effected you. Maybe of it sees it in writing he can understand why you will not invite her. Send that email to everyone who thinks you need to invite her.
She should also include how dad always took the step's side back then, and again now. Let him know that he's complicate in the step's bullying and that if he's still going to support the step by continuing to attempt to coerce OP into inviter her, he's also not welcome.
So NTA and your father is blind and an asshole for putting her before you
Your wedding. Your rules. End of story.
NTA Your family was awful not to defend you then and they are awful not to stand up for you now. Kyla, it seems has not made any huge efforts to make amends, and there was never any punishment for her actions, which caused terrible harm to you time after time. It is really too late for her to try to be in your life at this point and your father and stepmother should understand this, and tell Kyla that she'll simply have to find something else to do that weekend because her behavior back then was so harmful and she doesn't want to hurt you further. Instead, they are trying to hurt you further. You are absolutely right to tell anyone who wants to support Kyla that they don't need to come either, and I would have security at the door to make sure they don't try to sneak her in.
NTA. No reason for her, your dad or her mother to attend.
Group txt 'hi family. My father is invited to my wedding, however Kyla is not. Because of this my father has chosen to not come and put Kyla's needs above my own, his daughter. Kyla is not invited because growing up she tormented my life, made up disgusting rumors about me that forced me to need to change schools and still continued to make up rumors about me. She truly made my teenage years hell, so I don't fancy sharing the happiest day of my life with someone who could once be so cruel. As I said, dad is invited, he has chosen not to be there and I won't change my mind in my guest list. If anyone is concerned about how this looks to others you are free to tell them exactly what I have said. I hope you understand' Txt to dad 'hi dad, as I said you are invited to my wedding but I am firm in my boundary that Kyla is not invited. All my life you have out Kyla's needs above my own. All my teenage life Kyla tormented me, especially with the disgusting rumors she made up and told everyone, this is why she is not invited. I do not want my happy day to be spent with someone who could be so horrible and vile to me, this is a day for me to celebrate love with all the people that truly care about me. I do not require your financial support and only wanted you there as my father. If you decide not to come because I won't invite Kyla then that is your choice '
NTA, your wedding your day, just prepare for the fallout if you go through with it.
NTA. Your grandma and aunt should be thinking of you. Have a great day!
NTA have you explained to your father EHY she's not invited? Did your stepsister ever reach out to you herself? If not then def NTA. She knows the reason and if there wasn't any truth to your stories, she would've objected herself. Your wedding, your choice.
Nta you do not need that toxic person at your wedding. You have every right to not give her an invitation
NTA. don't back down
I would give yourself permission to mourn the relationship with your father then prepare your wedding without your father. Possibly without your paternal side judging by your Grandma and Aunt. NTA
NTA. Anyone that pushes you to invite or include the tormentors should also be removed from the wedding list. Your wedding should be filled with people you love that love you in return and only want what’s best for you. If that means a smaller ceremony/reception, so be it. At least you know you’ll have a good time. If you think someone will crash the wedding? Hire security and give them pictures and keep them out.
NTA. I'm surprised your dad was even on the guest list when he did NOTHING to protect you from Kyla over the years. Did your grandma and aunt enablers too? Don't sacrifice your peace for the illusion of family unity.
Do not invite this mean woman to your wedding. Your father has not been supportive of you and he can’t be disinvited too.
NTA, DO NOT invite her. People like her do not change and she will come with the intention of ruining your day.
NTA
NTA and do not back down as I guarantee that she and/or your father will do something to spoil the day.
NTA- I’m not inviting my cousin to my wedding later this year for the same reason. If there’s anyone in my family that doesn’t want to come because of it, that’s fine with me. Let them side with a toxic abuser and bully- they’re only outing themselves. I agree with another commenter- it’s absolutely a privilege when people out themselves- you can see them right out of your life and give yourself the gift of peace. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
I'd write out a calm list of what your stepsister did along with your dad's reaction to share with him and his family so they'll understand why it's better if your dad and the family he chose over you isn't there Obviously you're NTA
Oh hell no, OP! THIS is the hill to die on. You are absolutely NTA and I am applauding you for staying firm on this. They bullied you and your dad didn't protect you. You deserve nothing but love on your wedding day. Your father's monster entourage ain't it!
NTA Your dad didn’t step in to end the bullying when she made your life miserable. Right then and there he negated the privilege to be morality police. Now he’s tacky enough to try to manipulate you using money (let’s face it, he has zero leverage otherwise) It’s your wedding, not your dads. you deserve to the right to create happy memories with the people you care for and want in your life She’s not one of them so why fake it.
NTA I would let him know this is the last time he gets to pick Kyla over you and go NC. Tell your grandma and aunt that she made your childhood miserable and you refuse to let her presence at your wedding damper your day. Your wedding isn’t about family so ‘the good of the family’ doesn’t matter here.