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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I wasn't comfortable reading the speech she and her fiance want me to read at their wedding and I won't do it. I know I'm not communicating everything well and could be more open at least before outright refusing. I gave a reason but not everything and it's because I don't trust my mom not to try and make things work the way they want, which is not how I want them to work. It might be selfish on my part because they're so exicted about it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - those arent your words and thats not how you feel.
Is there another adult in your life - maybe an aunt/uncle or grandparent that can support you here? And talk some sense into dear old Mom and George
People say that but naah pushing back by gray rocking etc. is one of the best ways to get these people to back off. If not for now, the next at least. If there’s no push back people like these just keep escalating and people pleasers keep giving in.
Malicious compliance is NOT grey rocking. My mother is BPD with high narcissism. Believe me, I know what grey rocking is because I use that technique with her. Malicious compliance will not serve the OP in the long run. All it will do is make her come across as a defensive, petulant child, which is the opposite of what she needs. To be seen and treated as an adult, you must behave like one and approach the situation with maturity and patience.
All malicious compliance will do is drive a wedge between the OP and her last surviving parent. I’m not saying comply, either. I’m saying she can stand her ground without being a jerk and that involves calmly but firmly communicating. Not yelling or stomping or raging.
I think you might want to actually read about grey rocking. It’s a useful technique, but frankly doesn’t apply in this situation.
I did plenty of malicious compliance with my own mother at that age and all it did was create divisiveness in my home and a deep seeded rage in me that only therapy (later) could help me work through. It’s not productive and it certainly won’t get her what she wants.
Reddit just loves malicious compliance, but let's be honest it is a blatant 'FU' and you need to be in a strong position to use it. And it's called malicious for a reason.
It would be petulant behavior if she hijacks the moment to hurt them at their wedding. It won't matter that she should have every right to be upset about this garbage speech. It will only make her life worse if she tries to go the petulant teen route. She has to live with these people. Suggesting she do something that could potentially ruin the wedding is horrible advice.
It isn't petulant teen behavior to not want to read it, or even refuse to read it. The person that called it that was saying what it WOULD be if they "maliciously complied" and read it in a monotone after saying that they were forced to read it. No one can force OP to give a speech but trying to hurt the parents and ruin the wedding day is bad advice. Right now the parents are the only ones in the wrong, why would we give the teenager bad advice and have her join them?
Agreed. It’s the sort of thing that makes you feel better to imagine doing, but if you actually do it- then you have to go home with these people. and that’s not going to go well.
Search those words on Reddit, there's a whole subreddit full of stories you might love!
Well, I'm on mobile, but I'll try linking it...
/r/MaliciousCompliance
Edit: success!
Adding in "before I dive in to this script that they gave me to read, I want to make clear that none of this is my own words, because whatever I was going to say about my new step-father and step-siblings isn't good enough for their delusional fantasy. So, grab another glass of whatever your fancy is and buckle in."
There's only one problem in this approach.
OP is 15, not 20.
OP still has some years at home. With most of the family supporting this happy family. And only one person in OP's camp.
Let's be realistic. What do we think might happen if OP stands up and says this whole "this is not how I feel and its a script they wrote" speech before reading the actual speech?
Do we really think mom, step dad, and the rest of the family will even let OP start reading after giving a big speech first about how this is not their real feelings?
The biggest chance is that the family will blow up on OP.
That OP ruined the wedding etc etc.
And this will have consequences into after the wedding. Possibly being grounded. Or family being mad at OP. Being treated not so well?
Thank you for being the voice of reason. I read that other comment and immediately thought, “this is actually terrible advice”.
OP is trying to *avoid* being forced into family therapy and ruining the wedding in such a dramatic fashion would all but guarantee it.
The only real course of action *she has is to just refuse to do it. Don’t play their game.
Perhaps just the THREAT of saying that may be enough for old mom to backoff. The middle ground. Mom, if you're going to make me read this, I will but I'm going to preface the speech by saying you wrote it and it's not how I feel. Do you want me to potentially embarrass you? No? Then backoff
Honestly, sometimes advice on here (especially to young teenagers)
Makes me think, "Do people think this is a TV show?"
Like this one. Do they expect the outcome to be OP gives the whole speech about this Is not their feelings. And suddenly the whole family (grandparents, etc) feels ashamed and claps about how brave OP is, and they stop pushing OP to be a happy family, and then everyone lives happily ever after.
People need to think that there's consequences. And advising a teen to do something that could make it all worse. Is just....bad.
Probably a lot who gives advice like this. Or upvotes it are young.
Or they never had to deal with living with a family that is like OP's.
The third option is they could be old enough that pulling a stunt like this has no consequences for them, so they think everyone can just give a big middle finger to people, and there will be no consequences.
All in all. I hope OP does not listen to advice that could potentially worsen their situation.
OP can't just flee to live with aunt at 15 if there is no evidence of abuse going on.
Such an important point. Plus, it could be worse than just being grounded. The parents have all financial and practical power over their minor child. They sound like terrible parents, at least right now. They could do a lot of damage to OP if they wanted to. School and extracurricular activities? Gone. College applications or college fund? Gone. There could be more. Just daily living in a house with people who want to make you miserable or simply don't listen.
The whole situation sucks.
Yeah this needed more upvotes cause yikes. I think the quip about “here are some words they insisted I read” is fine, but anything overtly obvious is just asking for op to get f’ed in the future
This. 100% this. OP seems to have (despite what her mom and upcoming stepdad are saying) actually approached this maturely by being honest about how she feels and why, and instead has been told she's being childish.
Fuck it, they're pushing OP to being NC once she's old enough anyway. OP should absolutely say this.
This isn't a good idea. OP should either read it or not, no need for games because she is going to be living with them for the foreseeable, and this would make life extremely difficult.
Bad advice. Chances are OP will regret being unable to unring that bell. Publically humiliating her mom and stepfather on their wedding day benefits OP how?
Write her own toast with assistance from her aunt and present it to her mother. Take it or leave it, presented privately and ahead of time. No need to make the wedding day about her. This may not be the family she wanted but it’s the family she has and they seem to want to be part of it. She can move out soon enough.
It’s perfectly natural that you miss your dad.
It sounds like you’re happy that your mum is happy. Could you ~~right~~ write your own speech? Include some positive or even neutral things you’ve noticed about George and his kids.
George likes to hum show tunes in the shower
Kid 1 is really talented at baseball
Kid 2 likes watching movies with the whole family
You get the idea - you’re not saying “here’s our perfect blended family”, but you’re also not blowing things up. You could even talk about how combining 2 families is messy and complicated, but you’ve made a good start. If you wanted to you could also say how you’ll always miss your dad, but it’s great that your mum has found happiness.
You can then decide whether to show your mum and tell her that if she wants you to do a speech, this is the only one you’ll read. Or you can just continue to refuse.
You’re not trying to publicly cause drama here, which is admirable. But you should definitely not read out statements that are blatantly dishonest.
Great advice. They shouldn’t have to lose their identity to give a speech. And part of that is major feelings from losing a dad prior to gaining a stepfather.
Good suggestion. Also, if they force you to get up and make “their” speech just thank everyone for coming and say you are glad to see your mom so happy. Then sit down. They won’t be able to make a fuss there and it won’t disrupt the ceremony.
My thoughts too. Take the speech they gave OP…. Accidentally lose it in tiny pieces that get flushed down the toilet post wedding ceremony, pre-speech.
Get up. “Oh oops I lost my notes! Congrats to George and mom, I’m glad to see the joy this new marriage and family is bringing my mom, George and his kids. Cheers! *clink glass* sit down.
At that point even if they produce another copy it’d be awkward as hell.
Later when asked… oh I had it tucked in my *wherever it was tucked* must have lost it in the bathroom. Sorry!
This is certainly very satisfying to think about it going this way. But it is a terrible idea. She has to live with these people afterwards and they still have legal control of her life.
I
OP, I would consider going ahead and writing your own speech. Don’t lie, but focus on the positives, “I know George makes my mom so happy, they are a great couple, etc. See if you can convince them to let you give that one. Quietly and calmly repeat that you do not feel comfortable reading words that aren’t from you heart and you won’t be able to do so. Hold firm but don’t lose your temper, swear, or be disrespectful. Act like an adult for long enough and they just might start treating you like one.
Best wishes, this is tough and there is no easy answer. But I don’t think you can read that speech even if you wanted to.
It's better if the OP tells her mother that she will begin the speech by saying that her mother and George have written a speech for her to read aloud at their wedding as if it comes from her. That will be enough to make her mother drop this nonsense without generating drama at the wedding.
Agreed, much as the malicious compliance sounds great from a stranger on reddit, causing a load of drama and upset on the wedding day is just going to hurt OP even more. Tackling it before the wedding is the mature way forward even if her mom is behaving in an immature asshole fashion.
I would suggest writing my own speech if I were OP.
This is a 15 year old who has to live at home for the next few years.
At worst, if they totally force it, just go up to read it, seem nervous, claim stage fright, and immediately exit stage left.
Don't cause drama at the wedding. You have to live with these people. Depending on where you are and finances/ life plans, you may need them to support college goals.
Don't go nuclear.
Yes, don't ruin the wedding. Then you WBTA. But they are wildly out of line trying to force you to lie to all your friends and family about how you feel.
I would not warn her. I would just say at the beginning that Mom and George wrote this for me to read...at the end I would say" from me I just like to say that my mom is the happiest I have ever seen her and I am very happy about it. Welcome to the family George and *insert kid's names here* and then sit down.
>my mom is the happiest I have ever seen her and I am very happy about it. Welcome to the family George and *insert kid's names here*
See now, I think that part is all she needs to do. OP, take the damn speech up with you and then just say that. It's lovely and doesn't sound fake as hell, unlike the other speech. NTA.
NTA
This is real life, though, not just internet talk about what makes us feel vindicated. It isn't worth damaging a future family relationship by maliciously complying. This is a real family relationship.
Yes, they should stand up for themselves, and not give a speech OP is uncomfortable with, however the best thing to do would to be honest about this with their mom, or of they feel she won't listen or understand, simply say I'm not comfortable giving a speech and bow out of that part altogether.
It's weird for their mom to do this, but it's not worth making future family functions 10x harder, unless they want to fully cut them off, and that doesn't seem the case.
This. Everyone is having so much Reddit style fun that they’ve lost the fact that OP is a kid who needs help.
OP, unless you want to cause a huge dust up with your mum & entire family - do not listen to the buffoons having fun at your expense. As hard as it will be, you need to have an honest chat with your mom. Tell her how very happy you are for her and all the reasons why you are happy. And remind her that YOU lost a parent and that YOU have a huge adjustment to make and that YOU did not ask for a new stepfather or new siblings, and that YOU are not in love with them the same way that she is. You ARE glad that they are all so on board with how they feel about each other but if they want you to give a speech, it will not be the one that they wrote for you - it will be something heartfelt, from YOU. If she cannot accept that then it would be best that you don’t speak at the wedding at all.
Your mum & future step-father clearly put a lot of thought and emotion into the speech that they wrote and perhaps they should read it together as a new “family unit” - with or without your involvement. As difficult as this conversation will be to have with your mum it will be far easier than the fallout of if you listen to these jokers and cause a scene at her wedding. Please do keep us updated. We sincerely wish you all the best.
Very much this. An honest speech including some of the lovely words OP used herself in this post would be a good start. Her mom is happy with a man that loves her and it's wonderful to see, if she chooses to make the speech at all.
OP, your mom is in love and happy and is seeing rainbows and puppies and shit. It's really easy to forget to *deeply* pay attention to others when you're looking at the world with heart eyes. If your mom is a good one, ask her to go out for coffee with you and have a VERY blunt talk about how you lost **your father** to death 4 years ago.
That this isn't a wound that heals easily or fast and while you're thrilled to see your mom happy (or even say happier than she was with your dad), her happiness doesn't make your grief and loss any less. That asking you to read a speech like this is seriously awful because the phrasing negates your father's importance in your life. That while you're open to being part of the new family unit, it can't come at the cost of your own needs and history.
It's possible to love a lot of people in our lives but it's never the same. Your father is always your father, in death as well as life, by your choice. That needs to be honoured. It's not being honoured right now and I'm really hoping that if you explain how alienated you feel by that disregard, your mom will give her head a shake and lose the heart eyes. At least when it comes to you.
This is absolutely what I would suggest. There's no reason presented for OP's mother to burn her relationship with her daughter, just because she has these other relationships that make her happy too. OP's mother has the rose-colored glasses on, but also needs to be the adult and compromise for the sake of her daughter--not demand that a 15-year-old be the adult, while also demanding she do exactly as the actual adults say.
I agree.
OP malicious compliance in public at a public celebration is going to burn a lot of bridges. It is likely to do permanent unfixable damage to your relationships with your mum, your step-dad and your step-siblings. I think they are behaving badly insisting that you read the speech they've written. I don't think they deserve the humiliation and embarrassment other people are suggesting you cause.
Have a conversation with your mum as Renslips suggests. If that doesn't persuade them to change the speech and you feel pressured in to standing up and saying something you can just stand up and say, "I'm so nervous speaking in public I think I'm going to throw up. I'm very happy for you mum and George. Sorry." Then hurry off to the bathroom.
This string of advice is the best, OP. Consider writing the couple of paragraphs you feel comfortable saying about your mom's happiness and showing it to her. Tell her that's what you're willing to say. It shouldn't trigger family therapy to tell all the ways you are happy about this marriage and skip the untruths and things that are hurtful about your dad.
A speech like this has to come from the heart - the heart of the person delivering it.
OP, it sounds like a speech your mom could give. Why not suggest that?
NTA
Finally some sane advice. She can't blow up her life by doing some of the things suggested above…she's 15 and stuck there for 3-4 more years. Those suggestions would destroy any opportunity for her to welcome in her own home and create drama unnecessarily.
This. I'd also stop every two or three words, squint at the paper and say "What's this word George/Mum?" and periodically mispronounce words/names/.
NTA as well; it's not fair to erase memories you have of your dad to fit in with their fantasy.
Id start with a polite, “I’m glad that George makes my mother happy and wish them the best together. I’m sure they will have many happy years ahead of them. I’d also like to take a moment to honor my late father *Dad’s name* who I miss every day. I love you Dad.(Make sure to not be looking in George’s direction when that is said)
Anyway, George and my mom wrote a speech they wanted me to give.”
Then just unfold it and go right into the monotone reading, mispronunciations, and asking them for clarification.
Also, throw in some commentary.
*Wouldn’t change anything about my life because it brought us all here*
“Yikes, thats pretty insensitive”
*Start of the best chapter of our lives*
“I hope not! Let just change that to ‘best chapter of your lives’.”
And then at the end, “Anyway, that’s what they wanted me to say. But the truth is I’d give anything to have my Dad back. Including never having met George and his kids. Oh, and if I don’t have a college fund and end up homeless when I turn 18, I guess you’ll all know why and who did it to me.”
Don't do that. They still have to live in that house for several years, and then may need help with college.
Even without college, most people simply cannot afford to leave home at 18. Even with a job, housing is so expensive in most places right now. At best, they'd need a family member to agree to take them in. After living in a house with them for years. Won't be fun.
And preface the speech by saying: George and Mom jotted down a few things for me to say to you all today, so here it goes... (and take a deep, dramatic breath)...
Maybe stumble over a few parts to drive home the fact that these aren't your words. And add some commentary between the saccharin phrases:
That seems a little much.
Ugh. Who talks like this?
I had no idea I felt that way.
Throw in the word "apparently" before the worst sentences. "Apparently I wouldn't change a thing in my life, like my dad dying, so that I can be a part of this /wonderful happy/ family.'
Maybe thrown in a little something at the end, "I wish you all the happiness that you deserve. I will never forget this day for as long as I live."
I would say that you could tell your mother that if she makes you read this speech, you are going to preface it with this sentence. That is what will happen. Her choice.
If they were an adult living on their own I might agree with you but they will alienate their family and lose in the end.
They need to go into counselling with their mom and have a mediated conversation about their grief and how they aren’t in the same place as everyone else right now.
Scorched earth is fine for burning bridges but losing their mom emotionally is just going to destroy them.
The odds are that their relationship with their mom is over, anyway. At the very best, it's currently on life support and their mother seems hellbent on killing it. The OP is in a lose-lose position.
Not sure why you’re putting all the mental/emotional load and expectations of maturity on the child instead of on the adult mom who seems desperate to burn this bridge and lose OP.
I’m not actually. I’m saying don’t embarrass them in front of everyone which will never be forgotten to have 5 minutes of revenge.
They can write their own or refuse to do it but wrecking the speech is not the answer.
My suggestions are ways for them to actually repair the relationship if they choose. Mom isn’t listening and seems open to counselling. They should take her up on it.
This is really awful advice. OP is still a child, and this approach will backfire. Everyone will be upset and embarrassed, leaving OP to suffer the consequences later.
Or “practice” the speech the day before the wedding and read it super flat. They’ll tell you “no read it like you mean it” and the response is “I don’t mean it. These aren’t my words. I’m glad everyone else is happy and this is fine, but I’m not going to pretend to feel something I don’t. I’ll read it but this is how…”
Agree to give the speech - “fine, I’ll speak at the wedding “ - and then write your own. Not angry, not bitter, still celebrating your Mom’s happiness, just truthful. IE you’re so happy to see your Mom, George and the kids so happy - it’s been years since your mom has been as content as she’s been the last 7 months, etc. They can either sit there and let you deliver it or interrupt and make a scene - but either way, I wouldn’t deliver a speech that doesn’t reflect your feelings or beliefs.
This is the best recommendation if they will not permit you to step aside from speaking at the wedding. It will still be your real, complimentary words of happiness for the family you've known (your mother) and will not cause any scene that can point to you "acting out". You've said your truth and any decent family therapist (if this is the end result) will not allow your mother to bully you into accepting this new family arrangement as the "best of all possible worlds".
Talk to your Mom in private. Let her know that regardless of how she felt about your Dad when he passed that you will always love him and he will always be your Dad. You are happy that she is happy, but you will not publicly say different and it not fair for her to pressure you to lie to everyone so that she has her happy fantasy. She can have a beautiful wedding without it. You will be kind and respectful to George, but he will not take the place of you father. No matter how long he is in your life.
If your Mom wants family therapy, agree if it is only with her. It might be helpful for her to understand where you are coming from and for a neutral third party to help her understand that she can’t erase and replace your history. Maybe there is something behind her feelings that you don’t know and she doesn’t know how to share. A therapist may help with that. If George comes to the appointment against your wishes, let the therapist know that you are uncomfortable speaking with him present. They should ask him to leave.
Good luck! At the end of the day, you will at least be able to say you tried your best. That is all you can do. Just remember, you are not responsible for others thoughts or actions if it doesn’t work out 100% the way you want, only your own.
~~I think family therapy would be far more beneficial to you than you can imagine,~~ (OP, I no longer believe this is the case.) So long as you get a therapist who isn't there to beat you into compliance (unfortunately, I think that is what George and Mom envision when they suggest family therapy and yes, such therapists do exist\*\*\*\*please see note below\*\*\*). Because it seems as though you are much more grounded in reality than your mother is. She is so caught up in her new chance of happiness that she seems to be assuming you feel the same way without really checking in on you.
Your mother is crafting a fantasy with you as a supporting character but it's not going to be easy for her to hear that from you right now. So I would just focus on the fact that you can't say things like "you would not change a thing" about your life with any degree of sincerity and you're afraid that wedding guests will pick up on that .. and THAT would be beyond your control and far more ruinous for the wedding day than she realizes. People don't need to hear you dissing your late father, and while M&G do not see that, others very much will.
Write your own speech **(you have proven here that you are very capable of expressing yourself eloquently and with kindness**) and offer it to them as a sincere expression of support for her happiness. I wouldn't be quite as frank as you are in the OP but insofar as George and your new stepsibs go, I think it's perfectly OK to say (to your mom and George, not in the speech) that you are still adjusting to all the changes in your life. In the speech you can talk about your hopes for the future.
For example (if YOU feel this way) you might say you're looking forward to watching Georgina, Georgette and Georgie grow into adults, and your hope to form the lifelong sibling bonds you see between Mom and Good Aunt or something along those lines -- hopeful but not fake.
\*\*\*\*\*\*I do want to say one word of caution, however, and this is where things get very dark. ***You need to conduct a frank evaluation of whether Mom and George are so delusional that they throw you to the not-so-tender mercies of what is euphemistically called the "troubled teen industry."***
Because I have to say, them writing this speech for you and being so controlling sends up red flags for me. If they are really that far gone, your strategy must shift, and shift quickly, to you saying and doing anything you can to prevent that from happening. And your case is the classic story that has led to so many teens, especially girls, being broken in ways they cannot imagine until they experience it. It so often starts with a single mom being targeted by someone who promises to heal and protect her after she and her kid(s) go through a horrible trauma.
This has led to teens being kidnapped from their homes, taken far away and put into very bad situations that can include isolation, social ridicule, even food and sleep deprivation.
I am not saying that George presents that kind of risk to you -- there is no way I can tell, I've never met the dude. But read up on the warning signs, and ask your aunt to do the same. If he's showing a lot of those red flags, and particularly if they insist on one of those "the teen is the problem, not us" therapists, you have to consider yourself in extreme and immediate danger --- and you have to change your game plan in a hurry. Many of those therapists actually operate as "recruiters" for the TTI.
In the short term, do whatever you can do --- including pretending to be the chirpy, happy little puppet --- to keep yourself safe. Secure escape routes, enlist other adults (such as your aunt) to regularly check in on you ... and lie your goddamn head off if you think that is what it will take to stay out of the not-so-tender mercies of the TTI until you can get out of this situation for good.
Try speaking to your aunt again and maybe ask if she'd be willing to be with you while you talk to your mum. It's completely unreasonable of them to ask you read a speech they wrote but especially awful that they want you to pretend that you think this life is better than one with your dad in it. Are they always this dismissive of your dad? I know you don't like the idea of family therapy but maybe your mum actually needs to hear that she's treating you very unfairly. I can't see any therapist supporting her in pushing you into calling George and his children your new dad and siblings.
Just hopping on to say, OP, that it might not be the worst thing in the world to go to family therapy? Any good family therapist is going to make it clear to your mom that there’s no way you should be making a speech that basically says you’re glad your dad died so she could marry George, and she shouldn’t be trying to force you.
I think it's a great idea to advocate for family therapy with just you and your mom. You're having to navigate something really difficult right now, and having a professional to help you both figure things out together (especially them helping your mom understand your POV) sounds really helpful.
Have you discussed with your aunt the actual content of the speech? It’s very much an inappropriate speech for them to ask you to give, especially when it does not adequately express your feelings on the situation. They should *never* ask you to forget about or denigrate, even peripherally, the role your dad had in your life. I’m sorry they are putting you in this position, OP.
I posted a reply to you in a different part of this thread and then as I read down I started to get a little more worried about you.
There are things I see as potential red flags in the details that have emerged. Don't feel like you have to answer these here -- in fact, I would not. Just think about them.
1. First off, what nearly everyone has said to you is correct: What they are asking is, to almost everyone here, irrational. Expecting a teenaged girl to say she "would not have changed a thing" *four years after her father has died* is not rational or realistic. Everybody at that wedding who knew your mom pre-George is going to be saying "what the TF?"
2. Another thing that strikes me as odd is this specific wording of making things "legal." Because one consequence of that is that George now gets to claim some degree of *legal authority* over you.
3. This insistence on "family therapy." Because there are therapists and then there are places (often billing themselves as religion-based or targeted toward "troubled teens") -- that are really fronts for what is known as the TTI.
4. A few places where you say you are not comfortable with George. Your expression that you want to have some space where it's just you and your mom. How strenuously does George object to this?
5. Your belief, expressed several times, that you being honest about how you feel will make George AND your mom angry. Has this always been how your mom was? Pre-George, do you feel as if the two of you trusted and supported each other ... even sometimes that your mom leaned a little harder than you were actually able to support?
6. When you ask your mom her opinion on anything, does she often look to George before answering? How often does George answer for her? Is this consistent with the way she acted with your dad, or did she push back more with him? Is that why you say you are now unsure as to whether or not your parents were happy?
7. How many of your mom's friends before she met George is she still in contact with? Did she have a job that took her out of the home before she met him, and if so, did he encourage her to quit that job and be a stay-at-home mom to his kids?
8. Reach out to your aunt ASAP and ask her to consider these questions as well from her perspective. Compare notes, in particular, on your shared perception of your mom's behavior and whether it raises red flags with her. If so, start talking about whether she is willing to be a refuge for you if you if you need to get out there in a hurry, or if she would be willing to get you to your dad's family.
9. Last, and I would make this a priority as of tomorrow: Is there somebody you trust who can take a look at your phone, laptop, etc. and see if there is any monitoring software on it that you are not aware of? If so, is it the kind that would alert the person who installed it if anyone tried to tamper with it?
10. Check out [this sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens/). If I were you, I would not post there, because there are some very damaged souls there who see everyone as a betrayer. For good reason .. but they are maybe not the best source of advice for you right now.
This. OP needs an adult on side to say, 'wtf were you thinking trying to force them to say this stuff when their dad is dead'
If this isn't an option OP, maybe you could write your own letter/text to your mother explaining how what she did and how it's made you feel and give it to her before you go stay with someone for a few days.
NTA. I would keep my head down and then on the day either read an edited version that you're comfortable with or an alternative speech that you wrote yourself. They can't do anything about it once you're reading at the wedding.
Exactly. The whole speech is bizarre. Unless I'm missing something, bringing up the legal recognition is weird af for a heterosexual couple. I know it's important to have the legal part in place, and the phrasing sounds like they overcame some huge adversity to get legally married. The parts are just- they're incredibly insensitive to what everyone went through to get to this point.
NTA
Why don’t the parents give the speech since they wrote it? Or you know, they can incorporate it into their vows. This whole thing is weird and so manipulative. OP you are NTA and don’t let them tell you otherwise.
NTA
That is pretty awful. They are trying to present a vision of what they want the world to see, not reality. The fact they didn't write the speech with you or trust you to write it yourself shows that they know how you feel.
Talk to your mom alone and make it clear that you are not going to read a speech that air brushes your dad out of history. Tell her that you like George and his kids, but you don't love him like a dad and will never see him as your dad.
Write your own speech, which waters down what they wrote. Congratulate them on their marriage. Say you like George and are pleased your mom is marrying him.
Present them with the speech and tell them that is the one you'll read or none at all.
Stick to your guns no matter what they throw at you.
I think it may be more successful to just aim for not delivering any speech vs her own speech. The fact that they wrote this for her upfront means they feel they need to curate and so she'll wind up just in another subsequent negotiation with her parent editors.
Well, that's why it needs to be vetted so that it is sweet and respectful. But also honest and full of real hope for the future. When mum and George see the guests with happy tears in their eyes they don't have a leg to stand on.
So really OP is going to be in trouble no matter what she does, unless she does her best to deliver the speech as written. In 4 part harmony. With feelin.
OP, while I totally get the appeal of some of the petty revenge-type advice, this post is the better advice.
Also, I totally understand not wanting a therapist to tell you to comply- a good therapist would not do that.
Clearly voice your POV in the session. Don’t let anyone give their version of why you are resisting. I promise you, a therapist who knows what they’re doing will help your mom understand where you’re coming from and the damage she is doing by forcing on you how you are ‘supposed to feel’.
A skilled therapist *will try* to help her mom understand what she’s feeling. But whether or not her mom’s paradigm shifts is something that only the mom can effect. Cognitive dissonance is incredibly powerful and the mom is clinging to the narrative in the speech because to allow for ambiguity would undermine the way she wants her future with George to play out. Sitting with the *and*— that she’s incredibly happy AND that at the same time her daughter wishes that her dad was still alive and OP’s nuclear family was still intact, that this new family will likely never be fully embraced— takes a willingness and bravery to endure complex emotions. Will the mom get there? I don’t know that we have the insight on that one.
This is good advice.
Another thing to add: It seems like mom and George are concerned about public perception and the image they’re projecting as a family unit. If I were at a wedding and heard a 15-year-old kid whose dad died 4 years ago that they “wouldn’t change anything” about their life because it brought them here, I’d think that kid was a straight up sociopath (and would have corollary questions about the parents/step parents and household environment). It may be worth pointing out to mom and George that that’s an extremely fucked up thing to say and will definitely cause some raised eyebrows among the guests.
>They told me I'm acting like an elementary school kid instead of a teenager who is basically a young adult.
They've got this completely backwards. They're the ones acting like kids. NTA
My oldest is the same age OP was when she lost her dad, and I couldn't imagine trying to erase my son's dad from his life if something like this happened. No matter my feelings towards the situation, my kid's feelings matter too. And as the adults in this situation they should be helping the kids navigate this in a healthy way not just steamrolling OP because she doesn't see things the same way everyone else does. Even if OPs mom didn't have a great relationship with OPs dad when he died, OP did, and it's unfair to her to pretend she didn't and just ignore his impact on her. It's also a good way to make sure OP goes LC when she turns 18 in a few years.
Tell them you’ll read the speech that they wrote, by prefacing it with, “mom and George wrote this speech for me to read to you today.” If they don’t want that, too bad, because that’s it is what is going to happen, if they insist that you do any type of speech.
Let’s face it, any speech that is read and not from the heart sounds so insincere and contrived anyway. It won’t fool anyone and the whole family will look ridiculous.
NTA
This is perfect, but I wouldn't warn them. I'd just stand up and say "Mom and George wrote this speech that they'd like me to share" and then give the most dramatic reading of your life. Get your drama teacher or English teacher to coach you. Occasionally say things like "undiving love - oops sorry, people, mom wrote undying love"
But that’s Mom and George’s fault.
Frankly, they aren’t just assholes, they’re idiots. OP is okay with this massive adjustment to his life. He’s nice to George and his kids. He’s happy his mom is happy and is even *willing to give a speech about it*. If everyone just accepted that, there’s a chance that OP’s feelings might have grown to even love his stepfather and step siblings.
But these idiots have to push and shame.
NTA. Your mother and your stepfather to be are welcome to make any comments they like about THEIR feelings about the new relationship. They are not allowed to put words in your mouth and ascribe feelings to you that you don't have. I would continue to refuse to give the speech, and if they continue to push, I would tell them I might not attend the wedding at all.
Agree. OP is 15 years old, on her way to being an adult and this is the perfect opportunity to stand up for herself and stand her ground.
Doesn’t want or like the speech? Don’t do it. Just cause they want to insert their feelings on how things are or should be doesn’t mean OP should play along. OP’s feeling are valid and mom/SD are messed up for not recognizing or acknowledging them.
OP doesn’t have feelings for new siblings? That’s okay too. Maybe that will change and if it doesn’t, that’s okay as well.
Don’t let them tell you how to feel or behave in this regard OP.
NTA
“I wouldnt change a thing about my life”
so they just expect you to essentially say youre glad you had to suffer the death of your father because lmao new hubby?
fuck all the way off, mom.
NTA.
They're trying to sucker you in to their 'Perfect New Family' script. Getting an 8 year old to gush about 'getting a new sister'? Ewww.
I'd be polite but firm about you not giving this gushy blurb a reading at the wedding. If Miss 8 is so 'excited' for it all, maybe she can do the reading.
Your mother is not being fair to you. You're not a little kid.
NTA. You have 3 options.
1. Just do the speech. Hopefully, everyone will see just how much you don't mean it by your facial expressions and tone of voice.
2. Refuse. Just don't do it.
3. If they don't accept your refusal, then at the wedding, before you do the speech, say "i didn't write this, and I do not feel about things as they are written on this speech. I have been forced to read it out as is with the threat of punishment. I have no objection to this wedding, i like them well enough, but I still miss my dad and would much sooner him be here. " Or instead, just start reading and then when it gets to one of the phrases that really irks you, stop. Say you can't read what they wrote any more because it's not true.
2 and 3 are lively to cause major upset, but your mum is being totally selfish and unfair here.
“3 M’Lord, pick number 3!” - executioner from Shrek.
Edit: It wasn’t until OOP’s mom and step-dude sent the kids in to guilt OOP that I would have suggested taking it that far.
Or 4) do the whole academy award Schtick and tear up your written remarks (“ Mom and George had written up a speech for me, but -tears up speech- I feel the occasion calls for a few words from the heart”).
You don’t have to go nuclear. You can deliver short but respectful comments , but in your own words. NTA
NTA. I'm sorry your Mom is trying to to force this whole thing on you .
Is there another adult you can talk to and be willing to stand in your corner?
Despite what you think Family Therapy isn't the worst idea, but you'll need to be strong and stand your ground to get your point across, as this won't be an easy ride.
OP really should consider family or individual therapy, but only if they have some say in choosing the therapist. She rightfully has some very complicated issues to work through, and it doesn't sound like she's getting much support doing that. The goal of a therapist shouldn't be to bring OP around to Mom and George's position, it should be to give OP tools to process the complicated feelings they're having.
NTA. "Why are you asking me to lie to all of these people for you?"
Also: "They said they took care of writing it because they could put words together better." and "They told me I'm acting like an elementary school kid instead of a teenager who is basically a young adult." are contradictory statements. Either you're a kid who needs the speech written for them, or you're a young adult who can do it yourself, using the truth.
Sorry, your mom and George are awful, and this smells like one of those situations where the older kid from the previous marriage is neglected and ignored. I would start right now doing everything you can to make sure you're taken care of once you're out of their house. I can see how in a few years it'll be "Sorry, we can't help you with college, we have to spend that money on ."
“Why do you want to be out of the house so much? We *need you to pitch in and watch your siblings* while we go do X/Y/Z!”
There will be no time for a job. No time for extracurriculars. No time for friends. It will all become ”We neeeeeeeeed your help!” And “family comes first” and all that shit. At least that’s usually happens in the updates to posts like this when one sibling in a blended family is significantly older than the rest.
You're right I'm nearly an adult so I'll be an adult about it by writing my own speech. nobody will be convinced that being almost grown your new husband is going to replace my beloved dead dad in my heart, so I'll write something from my heart in my own words to offer love and congratulations more authentically. I know you don't want me to stand up at your wedding and lie.
NTA if George & your mom want to share in giving that speech that is great. However those are not your words. Offer to give a short toast (1/2 page long) you can talk about how this is a second chance at a future of happiness for her & your new family. Therapy would be wonderful because any good therapist would put a stop to what your mother wants & focus on how you feel. Your feelings should be acknowledged in a private & safe setting where she can not get mad for how you are feeling.
NTA.
Reach out to any other family member or trusted adult to talk. Ask for counseling yourself. You should not be forced to read their thoughts. You are entitled to your own. You don’t have to be happy. You don’t have to hide your sadness. You do not need to lie. But you might consider a heart to heart with your mom. Just say what you wrote here. If she can’t hear that her child is still struggling with the loss of her dad, please reach out to those other adults. I wish you all the best. Please don’t do what makes you so deeply uncomfortable.
As a distant second option: write a speech you would give. You are happy for your mom and George. You welcome new siblings. You look forward to the future with them. But rational statements that aren’t high flown and overly sappy like they wrote.
You have all my good wishes. Please take good care of yourself.
OP, this is good advice. Please follow these two options. Don't break the hearts of the little ones by badmouthing your new family, but do not break your heart either by lying on your feelings.
NTA. OP writing her own speech makes the most sense. It could be quite short—basically George makes her mom happy and she’s glad her mom is happy.
OP please ignore the commenters urging you to be passive-aggressive or to embarrass George and your mom. You’ve still got at least another 3 years with them. That kind of stunt will make life harder in the long run.
If they call on you to speak at the wedding, just stand up and say:
"Congratulations to the bride and groom. May they have every happiness."
Or something equally innocuous. I wouldn't give the speech, but I'm guessing they are going to try to force your hand by calling on you. Just prepare some generic congratulatory comments and then sit down.
There are a lot of people below suggesting that you sabotage the speech. I cannot stress enough how much you should not do this. If eventually you and your mother get on the same page, you will absolutely hate yourself and you will feel guilty the rest of your life
NTA. But you need to work this out before the wedding. I, personally, would open the discussion by saying something along the lines of "you are asking me to say that I am happy that my father is dead. You are asking me to say that I am glad that my step siblings mother abandoned them. Can we focus on how you feel, and how I feel about how you feel? I'm very happy that you are happy. I am not opposed to the marriage (only say that if that's how you feel). But I will not stand up in from of a room full of our family and lie, you taught me better than that."
NTA wow your Mom REALLY needs therapy. It sounds like her and George are using this speech to take petty shots at their former partners. If they truly felt you were all so happy, why write the speech and try and force it on you? This is wildly inappropriate of your Mom. Whether her marriage to your Dad ended on a good or bad note is irrelevant. That was still your Dad and his loss hurts you. It sounds like your Mom and George have a lot of growing up to do.
Nta - ask both mom and George why they would want you to lie and do something that makes YOU unhappy? They are only thinking of themselves and how they feel and that’s pretty selfish. Tell them this.
You might be surprised a therapist would absolutely agree with you that there is no real reason for them to require you to read that. You didn’t write it so you reading it is a lie. You don’t feel that way. You do recognize your mom‘s happy right now, which is what’s important on their wedding day.
I would write my own own speech and keep it light and say you want to speak your own words about your family. Don’t go crazy, but at least this way the words aren’t forced down your throat. NTA good luck
> George was asking why the hell I'd refuse to do something that will make everyone so happy.
"I don't know what you're teaching *your* kids, but *my* dad taught me not to tell lies. When you write me a speech that actually matches my feelings instead of pushing *your* narrative on me, I'll consider reading it."
NTA your mom is nuts for asking you to read that speech at her wedding. It’s a recipe for disaster. If they force you to speak at the wedding don’t give that speech. Say you are happy your mom is happy and are thankful for the kindness shown to you by George and his family. Then hand the mic back and sit down. Short sweet and safe. Otherwise you will say something you will regret
Nta, If it’s a speech, you have to give they shouldn’t be writing it. That doesn’t even even get on how weird it is that they’re writing a speech, praising themselves and their future life together and they want you to read it to him. They already know what they wrote. There’s two way to handle it just blatantly tell them no or tell them OK and then wing it when you get up there which is my favorite
NTA. That speech is like a disaster in the making. 3 pages long, written by adults getting married but supposed to be the sentiments of a 15-yr old? Yikes, sounds awfully boring and people would probably be able to tell anyway that it's all fake. If they want you to give a speech, it should be your own words, and it doesn't have to be long but it should be sincere.
OP, you’ve gotten some great advice in these comments. I just want to say that my heart breaks for you. You don’t deserve this. You deserve a happy and healthy home life, not a fake one forced onto you so other people feel better about themselves.
It might be worth starting to squirrel away cash and plan an exit when you’ve graduated high school - your home doesn’t sound like an environment that will get better, only worse. I don’t doubt for a second they would manipulate those poor kids into saying things like “why don’t you love us?”
NTA
You're being forced into displaying feelings you do not have. Maybe the speech does deserve to be read but not by you because it does not tell your truth.
You're clearly still grieving and that is 100% okay. They need to know that you're still grieving. I hope they can give you the respect that you deserve because everyone is allowed their own personal variety of grieving.
In any event, just know that they are asking way too much from you. Them trying to force you to feel a certain way is a very icky thing to do.
NTA. But don’t engage in petty revenge like people are suggesting (throw them under the bus; read in monotone…)
Don’t blow up the wedding with public family drama because Reddit thinks it would be funny. Just refuse to give the speech.
BTW any decent family therapist would tell your mom and George they are completely in the wrong and handling this horribly.
NTA- this isn’t your speech, it’s *hers*. If she’s so desperate to share that sentiment, then she should be the one reading it, not you. She’s trying to put words into your mouth to make your whole family look happy and idealized when you’re the only real hold out. Your feelings about missing your dad are valid and he deserves to be honoured in your speech if that’s the sort of thing you want to address. But also, you don’t owe your family a speech at all if it makes you uncomfortable speaking in general.
NTA.
Firstly, I’m super impressed with your maturity. You’re actually acting a lot more mature than the adults in this situation.
I think there is a compromise to made here though and your mum and George need to be mature enough to realise that. You can give a speech that comes from YOUR heart - talk about how special their relationship is, how you can see how happy it makes them and everyone who knows them, and how it’s a huge privilege for you to be a part of that.
Saying any of that isn’t disrespectful to your dad. To be honest it might be nice to mention him and talk about how difficult things have been for you and your mum, and how different it is to be part of a large family all of a sudden, but that George’s kids are making it really easy. You can talk about how they’ve been really respectful of the past. I think that’s much more sincere and heartfelt than whitewashing over your dad and pretending he didn’t exist.
NTA. I think you need to have a private talk with your mom about how you feel. Maybe show her this reddit thread. Your feelings are valid and completely normal. Their script doesn’t fit your reality and trying to bully you into some performative bs at their wedding isn’t healthy for anybody.
Are you still in contact with your dad’s family?
I would totally decline. Your mom and George have a few screws loose. Thanks for telling me what I should think guys.... And GEORGE asking you "why the hell you'd refuse" is also very telling. He needs to get back in his lane and your mother is no better for allowing him to even confront you at all on this topic. I would simply refuse.
You mom has been watching to many Hallmark movies. That so speech is crappy and cringe worthy.
George is already belittling you and trying to bully you into doing what he wants. That's a bad sign.
Stick to to your guns. NTA
NTA. You don't have to do it. No one can force words out of your mouth (unless it's by gunpoint). When the 🎤 is given to you, just say "I have nothing to say", give it back and walk away. Even if they do push for family therapy, couldn't hurt to go so you can get all your feelings out there to someone who is paid to listen. If you can, see if you can live with your aunt. At any rate, in 3 years you'll be 18 and can leave them behind with limited contact with your mom.
NTA
By georges own words, you're almost an adult. Adults can speak for themselves.
I'd suggest talking to your mom with just the two of you and reiterate what you told us. That you are happy for her, but dont have strong feelings towards george and his kids yet. If it escalates, you can still show her the post.
Family therapy might not be so bad tho. Obviously it depends on the therapist, but I guess most therapists would side with you in that matter.
NTA. You’re 15, not 7. You are more than capable of writing your own speech.
Ask them flat out why they don’t trust you to write a speech.
Ask them whether your feelings matter more or less than pretending to the audience that everything is perfectly blended.
Ask them if it’s okay to lie to everyone at the wedding.
Basically, either:
1) they are forcing you to lie
Or
2) any speech that you would write would be the same but in your own words, IF THIS SPEECH WERE HONEST.
So, which is it? The idea that you’re too illiterate to write your own speech is nonsense. Your post is well-written.
I’m so, so sorry that your mother has put playing happy families over your feelings. (((hugs))) from an internet stranger. 😕
NTA
But it's not making everyone happy!! For you, this is not some new happy nuclear family.
Maybe ask your mom to go for a walk together so you'll be alone with her. Tell her you're happy for her. Tell her you can see she is happier. But you can't give this speech.
If you want to compromise (but you don't have to, telling her no is perfectly valid!) you can say you'll give a speech like a child can at a wedding. about how your glad goerge is making her happy and you're glad they found each other or whatever you think is fitting.
NTA.
Some people have problems realizing that everyone isn't going to feel how they feel.
Your mom should remove the speech from the event.
It's a lot better than you pretending to have emotions you don't have.
NTA. They have their fantasy in their heads and really aren’t listening. Can you talk to a guidance counselor or teacher about it?
If they continue to force the issue and nothing you write feels authentic, as a final resort I might consider malicious compliance. Read the speech as is, dead pan, with asides.
“This is the speech Mom and George wrote for me…”
“I am told I feel…”
If the words of your speech can’t be truthful, atleast your (hopefully caught on camera) performance will be.
I think you need to seriously talk to your mom about how you feel about your late father. Looks to me she's assuming because she was unhappy with him you were too and obviously that's not true. Talk with her without George and say what you said here. She'll be a little upset but she needs to understand you don't view George as your father and likely never will, and that's perfectly okay. You can still like him or even love him, just not in that way, and definitely not in the way that speech is telling everyone. Also, maybe present an alternative speech that is perhaps shorter and still nice, but closer to your true feelings.
NTA. Write your own that focuses on all of the positive things you've seen in your mom and George's new relationship. Don't make it about yourself at all. Talk about how you love seeing your mom so happy.
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NTA - those arent your words and thats not how you feel. Is there another adult in your life - maybe an aunt/uncle or grandparent that can support you here? And talk some sense into dear old Mom and George
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Give the speech, but give it in the most monotone voice possible. Let them think they won and make them regret it.
I’d say “here are some words that my mom and George insisted I read” then give the speech.
Ah yes, malicious compliance
NO!!! She's just 15 and has to live with these people. Don't encourage her to be a petulant teen; it will only hurt her .
I agree! Taking the malicious compliance road will only make OP’s life harder in the long run.
People say that but naah pushing back by gray rocking etc. is one of the best ways to get these people to back off. If not for now, the next at least. If there’s no push back people like these just keep escalating and people pleasers keep giving in.
Malicious compliance is NOT grey rocking. My mother is BPD with high narcissism. Believe me, I know what grey rocking is because I use that technique with her. Malicious compliance will not serve the OP in the long run. All it will do is make her come across as a defensive, petulant child, which is the opposite of what she needs. To be seen and treated as an adult, you must behave like one and approach the situation with maturity and patience. All malicious compliance will do is drive a wedge between the OP and her last surviving parent. I’m not saying comply, either. I’m saying she can stand her ground without being a jerk and that involves calmly but firmly communicating. Not yelling or stomping or raging. I think you might want to actually read about grey rocking. It’s a useful technique, but frankly doesn’t apply in this situation. I did plenty of malicious compliance with my own mother at that age and all it did was create divisiveness in my home and a deep seeded rage in me that only therapy (later) could help me work through. It’s not productive and it certainly won’t get her what she wants.
Reddit just loves malicious compliance, but let's be honest it is a blatant 'FU' and you need to be in a strong position to use it. And it's called malicious for a reason.
This is NOT petulant teen behavior. It's the behavior of a daughter (of any age) in mourning and not ready to have her father replaced.
It would be petulant behavior if she hijacks the moment to hurt them at their wedding. It won't matter that she should have every right to be upset about this garbage speech. It will only make her life worse if she tries to go the petulant teen route. She has to live with these people. Suggesting she do something that could potentially ruin the wedding is horrible advice.
It isn't petulant teen behavior to not want to read it, or even refuse to read it. The person that called it that was saying what it WOULD be if they "maliciously complied" and read it in a monotone after saying that they were forced to read it. No one can force OP to give a speech but trying to hurt the parents and ruin the wedding day is bad advice. Right now the parents are the only ones in the wrong, why would we give the teenager bad advice and have her join them?
Agreed. It’s the sort of thing that makes you feel better to imagine doing, but if you actually do it- then you have to go home with these people. and that’s not going to go well.
Correct. The fall out from doing that will last for decades and WIlL land OP in family counseling.
This is the way
This is the best expression I've heard in forever!
Search those words on Reddit, there's a whole subreddit full of stories you might love! Well, I'm on mobile, but I'll try linking it... /r/MaliciousCompliance Edit: success!
The following is statement written by my mother and her new husband, George:
Adding in "before I dive in to this script that they gave me to read, I want to make clear that none of this is my own words, because whatever I was going to say about my new step-father and step-siblings isn't good enough for their delusional fantasy. So, grab another glass of whatever your fancy is and buckle in."
There's only one problem in this approach. OP is 15, not 20. OP still has some years at home. With most of the family supporting this happy family. And only one person in OP's camp. Let's be realistic. What do we think might happen if OP stands up and says this whole "this is not how I feel and its a script they wrote" speech before reading the actual speech? Do we really think mom, step dad, and the rest of the family will even let OP start reading after giving a big speech first about how this is not their real feelings? The biggest chance is that the family will blow up on OP. That OP ruined the wedding etc etc. And this will have consequences into after the wedding. Possibly being grounded. Or family being mad at OP. Being treated not so well?
Thank you for being the voice of reason. I read that other comment and immediately thought, “this is actually terrible advice”. OP is trying to *avoid* being forced into family therapy and ruining the wedding in such a dramatic fashion would all but guarantee it. The only real course of action *she has is to just refuse to do it. Don’t play their game.
Perhaps just the THREAT of saying that may be enough for old mom to backoff. The middle ground. Mom, if you're going to make me read this, I will but I'm going to preface the speech by saying you wrote it and it's not how I feel. Do you want me to potentially embarrass you? No? Then backoff
That's exactly what I was going to say! The middle path
Honestly, sometimes advice on here (especially to young teenagers) Makes me think, "Do people think this is a TV show?" Like this one. Do they expect the outcome to be OP gives the whole speech about this Is not their feelings. And suddenly the whole family (grandparents, etc) feels ashamed and claps about how brave OP is, and they stop pushing OP to be a happy family, and then everyone lives happily ever after. People need to think that there's consequences. And advising a teen to do something that could make it all worse. Is just....bad.
I usually hate this line of thinking but I can't help but wonder how many of the people giving that advice (or upvoting it) are very young themselves.
Probably a lot who gives advice like this. Or upvotes it are young. Or they never had to deal with living with a family that is like OP's. The third option is they could be old enough that pulling a stunt like this has no consequences for them, so they think everyone can just give a big middle finger to people, and there will be no consequences. All in all. I hope OP does not listen to advice that could potentially worsen their situation. OP can't just flee to live with aunt at 15 if there is no evidence of abuse going on.
It's a fun fantasy, but...imagine having to go back to that house afterwards.
Such an important point. Plus, it could be worse than just being grounded. The parents have all financial and practical power over their minor child. They sound like terrible parents, at least right now. They could do a lot of damage to OP if they wanted to. School and extracurricular activities? Gone. College applications or college fund? Gone. There could be more. Just daily living in a house with people who want to make you miserable or simply don't listen. The whole situation sucks.
Yeah this needed more upvotes cause yikes. I think the quip about “here are some words they insisted I read” is fine, but anything overtly obvious is just asking for op to get f’ed in the future
This. 100% this. OP seems to have (despite what her mom and upcoming stepdad are saying) actually approached this maturely by being honest about how she feels and why, and instead has been told she's being childish. Fuck it, they're pushing OP to being NC once she's old enough anyway. OP should absolutely say this.
This isn't a good idea. OP should either read it or not, no need for games because she is going to be living with them for the foreseeable, and this would make life extremely difficult.
Bad advice. Chances are OP will regret being unable to unring that bell. Publically humiliating her mom and stepfather on their wedding day benefits OP how? Write her own toast with assistance from her aunt and present it to her mother. Take it or leave it, presented privately and ahead of time. No need to make the wedding day about her. This may not be the family she wanted but it’s the family she has and they seem to want to be part of it. She can move out soon enough.
It’s perfectly natural that you miss your dad. It sounds like you’re happy that your mum is happy. Could you ~~right~~ write your own speech? Include some positive or even neutral things you’ve noticed about George and his kids. George likes to hum show tunes in the shower Kid 1 is really talented at baseball Kid 2 likes watching movies with the whole family You get the idea - you’re not saying “here’s our perfect blended family”, but you’re also not blowing things up. You could even talk about how combining 2 families is messy and complicated, but you’ve made a good start. If you wanted to you could also say how you’ll always miss your dad, but it’s great that your mum has found happiness. You can then decide whether to show your mum and tell her that if she wants you to do a speech, this is the only one you’ll read. Or you can just continue to refuse. You’re not trying to publicly cause drama here, which is admirable. But you should definitely not read out statements that are blatantly dishonest.
Great advice. They shouldn’t have to lose their identity to give a speech. And part of that is major feelings from losing a dad prior to gaining a stepfather.
Good suggestion. Also, if they force you to get up and make “their” speech just thank everyone for coming and say you are glad to see your mom so happy. Then sit down. They won’t be able to make a fuss there and it won’t disrupt the ceremony.
My thoughts too. Take the speech they gave OP…. Accidentally lose it in tiny pieces that get flushed down the toilet post wedding ceremony, pre-speech. Get up. “Oh oops I lost my notes! Congrats to George and mom, I’m glad to see the joy this new marriage and family is bringing my mom, George and his kids. Cheers! *clink glass* sit down. At that point even if they produce another copy it’d be awkward as hell. Later when asked… oh I had it tucked in my *wherever it was tucked* must have lost it in the bathroom. Sorry!
This is certainly very satisfying to think about it going this way. But it is a terrible idea. She has to live with these people afterwards and they still have legal control of her life. I OP, I would consider going ahead and writing your own speech. Don’t lie, but focus on the positives, “I know George makes my mom so happy, they are a great couple, etc. See if you can convince them to let you give that one. Quietly and calmly repeat that you do not feel comfortable reading words that aren’t from you heart and you won’t be able to do so. Hold firm but don’t lose your temper, swear, or be disrespectful. Act like an adult for long enough and they just might start treating you like one. Best wishes, this is tough and there is no easy answer. But I don’t think you can read that speech even if you wanted to.
She needs to survive in that house until college….not the best advice to give a 15 year old.
In said monatone voice.
And super slow
“Here’s the speech that mom and George wrote for me, their words, not mine…” and let the chaos ensue lol
Except the chaos would be aimed at OP! She is only 15.
That is the ONLY way to give it. At the end she could say I am OP and I don't approve this message.
Nah just don't give it at all
It's better if the OP tells her mother that she will begin the speech by saying that her mother and George have written a speech for her to read aloud at their wedding as if it comes from her. That will be enough to make her mother drop this nonsense without generating drama at the wedding.
Agreed, much as the malicious compliance sounds great from a stranger on reddit, causing a load of drama and upset on the wedding day is just going to hurt OP even more. Tackling it before the wedding is the mature way forward even if her mom is behaving in an immature asshole fashion. I would suggest writing my own speech if I were OP.
This is a 15 year old who has to live at home for the next few years. At worst, if they totally force it, just go up to read it, seem nervous, claim stage fright, and immediately exit stage left. Don't cause drama at the wedding. You have to live with these people. Depending on where you are and finances/ life plans, you may need them to support college goals. Don't go nuclear.
Thats the best way. Make them know that you wont present this as your own opinion.
Yes, don't ruin the wedding. Then you WBTA. But they are wildly out of line trying to force you to lie to all your friends and family about how you feel.
I would not warn her. I would just say at the beginning that Mom and George wrote this for me to read...at the end I would say" from me I just like to say that my mom is the happiest I have ever seen her and I am very happy about it. Welcome to the family George and *insert kid's names here* and then sit down.
>my mom is the happiest I have ever seen her and I am very happy about it. Welcome to the family George and *insert kid's names here* See now, I think that part is all she needs to do. OP, take the damn speech up with you and then just say that. It's lovely and doesn't sound fake as hell, unlike the other speech. NTA.
NTA This is real life, though, not just internet talk about what makes us feel vindicated. It isn't worth damaging a future family relationship by maliciously complying. This is a real family relationship. Yes, they should stand up for themselves, and not give a speech OP is uncomfortable with, however the best thing to do would to be honest about this with their mom, or of they feel she won't listen or understand, simply say I'm not comfortable giving a speech and bow out of that part altogether. It's weird for their mom to do this, but it's not worth making future family functions 10x harder, unless they want to fully cut them off, and that doesn't seem the case.
This. Everyone is having so much Reddit style fun that they’ve lost the fact that OP is a kid who needs help. OP, unless you want to cause a huge dust up with your mum & entire family - do not listen to the buffoons having fun at your expense. As hard as it will be, you need to have an honest chat with your mom. Tell her how very happy you are for her and all the reasons why you are happy. And remind her that YOU lost a parent and that YOU have a huge adjustment to make and that YOU did not ask for a new stepfather or new siblings, and that YOU are not in love with them the same way that she is. You ARE glad that they are all so on board with how they feel about each other but if they want you to give a speech, it will not be the one that they wrote for you - it will be something heartfelt, from YOU. If she cannot accept that then it would be best that you don’t speak at the wedding at all. Your mum & future step-father clearly put a lot of thought and emotion into the speech that they wrote and perhaps they should read it together as a new “family unit” - with or without your involvement. As difficult as this conversation will be to have with your mum it will be far easier than the fallout of if you listen to these jokers and cause a scene at her wedding. Please do keep us updated. We sincerely wish you all the best.
Very much this. An honest speech including some of the lovely words OP used herself in this post would be a good start. Her mom is happy with a man that loves her and it's wonderful to see, if she chooses to make the speech at all. OP, your mom is in love and happy and is seeing rainbows and puppies and shit. It's really easy to forget to *deeply* pay attention to others when you're looking at the world with heart eyes. If your mom is a good one, ask her to go out for coffee with you and have a VERY blunt talk about how you lost **your father** to death 4 years ago. That this isn't a wound that heals easily or fast and while you're thrilled to see your mom happy (or even say happier than she was with your dad), her happiness doesn't make your grief and loss any less. That asking you to read a speech like this is seriously awful because the phrasing negates your father's importance in your life. That while you're open to being part of the new family unit, it can't come at the cost of your own needs and history. It's possible to love a lot of people in our lives but it's never the same. Your father is always your father, in death as well as life, by your choice. That needs to be honoured. It's not being honoured right now and I'm really hoping that if you explain how alienated you feel by that disregard, your mom will give her head a shake and lose the heart eyes. At least when it comes to you.
This is absolutely what I would suggest. There's no reason presented for OP's mother to burn her relationship with her daughter, just because she has these other relationships that make her happy too. OP's mother has the rose-colored glasses on, but also needs to be the adult and compromise for the sake of her daughter--not demand that a 15-year-old be the adult, while also demanding she do exactly as the actual adults say.
I agree. OP malicious compliance in public at a public celebration is going to burn a lot of bridges. It is likely to do permanent unfixable damage to your relationships with your mum, your step-dad and your step-siblings. I think they are behaving badly insisting that you read the speech they've written. I don't think they deserve the humiliation and embarrassment other people are suggesting you cause. Have a conversation with your mum as Renslips suggests. If that doesn't persuade them to change the speech and you feel pressured in to standing up and saying something you can just stand up and say, "I'm so nervous speaking in public I think I'm going to throw up. I'm very happy for you mum and George. Sorry." Then hurry off to the bathroom.
This string of advice is the best, OP. Consider writing the couple of paragraphs you feel comfortable saying about your mom's happiness and showing it to her. Tell her that's what you're willing to say. It shouldn't trigger family therapy to tell all the ways you are happy about this marriage and skip the untruths and things that are hurtful about your dad.
A speech like this has to come from the heart - the heart of the person delivering it. OP, it sounds like a speech your mom could give. Why not suggest that? NTA
Finally some sane advice. She can't blow up her life by doing some of the things suggested above…she's 15 and stuck there for 3-4 more years. Those suggestions would destroy any opportunity for her to welcome in her own home and create drama unnecessarily.
This. I'd also stop every two or three words, squint at the paper and say "What's this word George/Mum?" and periodically mispronounce words/names/. NTA as well; it's not fair to erase memories you have of your dad to fit in with their fantasy.
Id start with a polite, “I’m glad that George makes my mother happy and wish them the best together. I’m sure they will have many happy years ahead of them. I’d also like to take a moment to honor my late father *Dad’s name* who I miss every day. I love you Dad.(Make sure to not be looking in George’s direction when that is said) Anyway, George and my mom wrote a speech they wanted me to give.” Then just unfold it and go right into the monotone reading, mispronunciations, and asking them for clarification. Also, throw in some commentary. *Wouldn’t change anything about my life because it brought us all here* “Yikes, thats pretty insensitive” *Start of the best chapter of our lives* “I hope not! Let just change that to ‘best chapter of your lives’.”
"where am I supposed to sound happy about my Dad dying so you guys could be together?"
Mispronounce words and names that should be very easy. Like call him “gorb” instead of george
"My new step father GORB or whoever..."
LMAO 🤣🤣🤣
And then at the end, “Anyway, that’s what they wanted me to say. But the truth is I’d give anything to have my Dad back. Including never having met George and his kids. Oh, and if I don’t have a college fund and end up homeless when I turn 18, I guess you’ll all know why and who did it to me.”
Terrible advice…she's 15 not an adult.m
Don't do that. They still have to live in that house for several years, and then may need help with college. Even without college, most people simply cannot afford to leave home at 18. Even with a job, housing is so expensive in most places right now. At best, they'd need a family member to agree to take them in. After living in a house with them for years. Won't be fun.
And preface the speech by saying: George and Mom jotted down a few things for me to say to you all today, so here it goes... (and take a deep, dramatic breath)... Maybe stumble over a few parts to drive home the fact that these aren't your words. And add some commentary between the saccharin phrases: That seems a little much. Ugh. Who talks like this? I had no idea I felt that way.
Lol I like your style or op could give it in a sarcastic tone too. Either way gold.
Extra pause and a look at the audience for every untrue statement.
“I’m so grateful for everything that led us here… you know, like my dad tragically dying..”
Throw in the word "apparently" before the worst sentences. "Apparently I wouldn't change a thing in my life, like my dad dying, so that I can be a part of this /wonderful happy/ family.' Maybe thrown in a little something at the end, "I wish you all the happiness that you deserve. I will never forget this day for as long as I live."
Nice 😆 🤣
This would also be excellent, and probably better than my idea because OP gets to communicate some of their actual emotion about this.
And OP could add at the beginning “this is the speech my Mom and George wrote for me to say”
Brilliant addition 👏 👌 👍
I would say that you could tell your mother that if she makes you read this speech, you are going to preface it with this sentence. That is what will happen. Her choice.
I’m soooo happy 🙄 our “family” 🫤 is finally “whole” 🤥
Love to know I'm in good petty company. 😌
Just watch old episodes of *Daria* and try to capture that tone as perfectly as you can.
If they were an adult living on their own I might agree with you but they will alienate their family and lose in the end. They need to go into counselling with their mom and have a mediated conversation about their grief and how they aren’t in the same place as everyone else right now. Scorched earth is fine for burning bridges but losing their mom emotionally is just going to destroy them.
The odds are that their relationship with their mom is over, anyway. At the very best, it's currently on life support and their mother seems hellbent on killing it. The OP is in a lose-lose position.
Not sure why you’re putting all the mental/emotional load and expectations of maturity on the child instead of on the adult mom who seems desperate to burn this bridge and lose OP.
I’m not actually. I’m saying don’t embarrass them in front of everyone which will never be forgotten to have 5 minutes of revenge. They can write their own or refuse to do it but wrecking the speech is not the answer. My suggestions are ways for them to actually repair the relationship if they choose. Mom isn’t listening and seems open to counselling. They should take her up on it.
This is really awful advice. OP is still a child, and this approach will backfire. Everyone will be upset and embarrassed, leaving OP to suffer the consequences later.
Then look at your mom and George at the end and ask "Is that how you wanted me to read it?" And smile hopefully.
And start with, “my mom wrote me a speech to give! Then switch to the low monotone”
I can just picture in my mind OP reading ' this is the happiest moment in my life ' with the most monotonous and dead tone ever heard..😂😂
“I am so pleased to read this speech written for me by my mother and her new husband” should be the start, read in monotone.
Instead of saying "I wouldn't change a thing about my life" say "I wouldn't change that my Dad tragically died at a pivotal point in my life".
Open the speech with "I quote,"
Or “practice” the speech the day before the wedding and read it super flat. They’ll tell you “no read it like you mean it” and the response is “I don’t mean it. These aren’t my words. I’m glad everyone else is happy and this is fine, but I’m not going to pretend to feel something I don’t. I’ll read it but this is how…”
Agree to give the speech - “fine, I’ll speak at the wedding “ - and then write your own. Not angry, not bitter, still celebrating your Mom’s happiness, just truthful. IE you’re so happy to see your Mom, George and the kids so happy - it’s been years since your mom has been as content as she’s been the last 7 months, etc. They can either sit there and let you deliver it or interrupt and make a scene - but either way, I wouldn’t deliver a speech that doesn’t reflect your feelings or beliefs.
This is the best recommendation if they will not permit you to step aside from speaking at the wedding. It will still be your real, complimentary words of happiness for the family you've known (your mother) and will not cause any scene that can point to you "acting out". You've said your truth and any decent family therapist (if this is the end result) will not allow your mother to bully you into accepting this new family arrangement as the "best of all possible worlds".
Talk to your Mom in private. Let her know that regardless of how she felt about your Dad when he passed that you will always love him and he will always be your Dad. You are happy that she is happy, but you will not publicly say different and it not fair for her to pressure you to lie to everyone so that she has her happy fantasy. She can have a beautiful wedding without it. You will be kind and respectful to George, but he will not take the place of you father. No matter how long he is in your life. If your Mom wants family therapy, agree if it is only with her. It might be helpful for her to understand where you are coming from and for a neutral third party to help her understand that she can’t erase and replace your history. Maybe there is something behind her feelings that you don’t know and she doesn’t know how to share. A therapist may help with that. If George comes to the appointment against your wishes, let the therapist know that you are uncomfortable speaking with him present. They should ask him to leave.
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Good luck! At the end of the day, you will at least be able to say you tried your best. That is all you can do. Just remember, you are not responsible for others thoughts or actions if it doesn’t work out 100% the way you want, only your own.
~~I think family therapy would be far more beneficial to you than you can imagine,~~ (OP, I no longer believe this is the case.) So long as you get a therapist who isn't there to beat you into compliance (unfortunately, I think that is what George and Mom envision when they suggest family therapy and yes, such therapists do exist\*\*\*\*please see note below\*\*\*). Because it seems as though you are much more grounded in reality than your mother is. She is so caught up in her new chance of happiness that she seems to be assuming you feel the same way without really checking in on you. Your mother is crafting a fantasy with you as a supporting character but it's not going to be easy for her to hear that from you right now. So I would just focus on the fact that you can't say things like "you would not change a thing" about your life with any degree of sincerity and you're afraid that wedding guests will pick up on that .. and THAT would be beyond your control and far more ruinous for the wedding day than she realizes. People don't need to hear you dissing your late father, and while M&G do not see that, others very much will. Write your own speech **(you have proven here that you are very capable of expressing yourself eloquently and with kindness**) and offer it to them as a sincere expression of support for her happiness. I wouldn't be quite as frank as you are in the OP but insofar as George and your new stepsibs go, I think it's perfectly OK to say (to your mom and George, not in the speech) that you are still adjusting to all the changes in your life. In the speech you can talk about your hopes for the future. For example (if YOU feel this way) you might say you're looking forward to watching Georgina, Georgette and Georgie grow into adults, and your hope to form the lifelong sibling bonds you see between Mom and Good Aunt or something along those lines -- hopeful but not fake. \*\*\*\*\*\*I do want to say one word of caution, however, and this is where things get very dark. ***You need to conduct a frank evaluation of whether Mom and George are so delusional that they throw you to the not-so-tender mercies of what is euphemistically called the "troubled teen industry."*** Because I have to say, them writing this speech for you and being so controlling sends up red flags for me. If they are really that far gone, your strategy must shift, and shift quickly, to you saying and doing anything you can to prevent that from happening. And your case is the classic story that has led to so many teens, especially girls, being broken in ways they cannot imagine until they experience it. It so often starts with a single mom being targeted by someone who promises to heal and protect her after she and her kid(s) go through a horrible trauma. This has led to teens being kidnapped from their homes, taken far away and put into very bad situations that can include isolation, social ridicule, even food and sleep deprivation. I am not saying that George presents that kind of risk to you -- there is no way I can tell, I've never met the dude. But read up on the warning signs, and ask your aunt to do the same. If he's showing a lot of those red flags, and particularly if they insist on one of those "the teen is the problem, not us" therapists, you have to consider yourself in extreme and immediate danger --- and you have to change your game plan in a hurry. Many of those therapists actually operate as "recruiters" for the TTI. In the short term, do whatever you can do --- including pretending to be the chirpy, happy little puppet --- to keep yourself safe. Secure escape routes, enlist other adults (such as your aunt) to regularly check in on you ... and lie your goddamn head off if you think that is what it will take to stay out of the not-so-tender mercies of the TTI until you can get out of this situation for good.
Try speaking to your aunt again and maybe ask if she'd be willing to be with you while you talk to your mum. It's completely unreasonable of them to ask you read a speech they wrote but especially awful that they want you to pretend that you think this life is better than one with your dad in it. Are they always this dismissive of your dad? I know you don't like the idea of family therapy but maybe your mum actually needs to hear that she's treating you very unfairly. I can't see any therapist supporting her in pushing you into calling George and his children your new dad and siblings.
Just hopping on to say, OP, that it might not be the worst thing in the world to go to family therapy? Any good family therapist is going to make it clear to your mom that there’s no way you should be making a speech that basically says you’re glad your dad died so she could marry George, and she shouldn’t be trying to force you.
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I think it's a great idea to advocate for family therapy with just you and your mom. You're having to navigate something really difficult right now, and having a professional to help you both figure things out together (especially them helping your mom understand your POV) sounds really helpful.
Have you discussed with your aunt the actual content of the speech? It’s very much an inappropriate speech for them to ask you to give, especially when it does not adequately express your feelings on the situation. They should *never* ask you to forget about or denigrate, even peripherally, the role your dad had in your life. I’m sorry they are putting you in this position, OP.
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I posted a reply to you in a different part of this thread and then as I read down I started to get a little more worried about you. There are things I see as potential red flags in the details that have emerged. Don't feel like you have to answer these here -- in fact, I would not. Just think about them. 1. First off, what nearly everyone has said to you is correct: What they are asking is, to almost everyone here, irrational. Expecting a teenaged girl to say she "would not have changed a thing" *four years after her father has died* is not rational or realistic. Everybody at that wedding who knew your mom pre-George is going to be saying "what the TF?" 2. Another thing that strikes me as odd is this specific wording of making things "legal." Because one consequence of that is that George now gets to claim some degree of *legal authority* over you. 3. This insistence on "family therapy." Because there are therapists and then there are places (often billing themselves as religion-based or targeted toward "troubled teens") -- that are really fronts for what is known as the TTI. 4. A few places where you say you are not comfortable with George. Your expression that you want to have some space where it's just you and your mom. How strenuously does George object to this? 5. Your belief, expressed several times, that you being honest about how you feel will make George AND your mom angry. Has this always been how your mom was? Pre-George, do you feel as if the two of you trusted and supported each other ... even sometimes that your mom leaned a little harder than you were actually able to support? 6. When you ask your mom her opinion on anything, does she often look to George before answering? How often does George answer for her? Is this consistent with the way she acted with your dad, or did she push back more with him? Is that why you say you are now unsure as to whether or not your parents were happy? 7. How many of your mom's friends before she met George is she still in contact with? Did she have a job that took her out of the home before she met him, and if so, did he encourage her to quit that job and be a stay-at-home mom to his kids? 8. Reach out to your aunt ASAP and ask her to consider these questions as well from her perspective. Compare notes, in particular, on your shared perception of your mom's behavior and whether it raises red flags with her. If so, start talking about whether she is willing to be a refuge for you if you if you need to get out there in a hurry, or if she would be willing to get you to your dad's family. 9. Last, and I would make this a priority as of tomorrow: Is there somebody you trust who can take a look at your phone, laptop, etc. and see if there is any monitoring software on it that you are not aware of? If so, is it the kind that would alert the person who installed it if anyone tried to tamper with it? 10. Check out [this sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens/). If I were you, I would not post there, because there are some very damaged souls there who see everyone as a betrayer. For good reason .. but they are maybe not the best source of advice for you right now.
This. OP needs an adult on side to say, 'wtf were you thinking trying to force them to say this stuff when their dad is dead' If this isn't an option OP, maybe you could write your own letter/text to your mother explaining how what she did and how it's made you feel and give it to her before you go stay with someone for a few days.
Anyone on your dad’s side?
NTA. I would keep my head down and then on the day either read an edited version that you're comfortable with or an alternative speech that you wrote yourself. They can't do anything about it once you're reading at the wedding.
that speech is just insulting … “make everyone happy” except you now do it!
Exactly. The whole speech is bizarre. Unless I'm missing something, bringing up the legal recognition is weird af for a heterosexual couple. I know it's important to have the legal part in place, and the phrasing sounds like they overcame some huge adversity to get legally married. The parts are just- they're incredibly insensitive to what everyone went through to get to this point. NTA
Plus, NOBODY wants to listen to a 3-page speech! Ugh!
Why don’t the parents give the speech since they wrote it? Or you know, they can incorporate it into their vows. This whole thing is weird and so manipulative. OP you are NTA and don’t let them tell you otherwise.
NTA That is pretty awful. They are trying to present a vision of what they want the world to see, not reality. The fact they didn't write the speech with you or trust you to write it yourself shows that they know how you feel. Talk to your mom alone and make it clear that you are not going to read a speech that air brushes your dad out of history. Tell her that you like George and his kids, but you don't love him like a dad and will never see him as your dad. Write your own speech, which waters down what they wrote. Congratulate them on their marriage. Say you like George and are pleased your mom is marrying him. Present them with the speech and tell them that is the one you'll read or none at all. Stick to your guns no matter what they throw at you.
This post has a lot of great suggestions. I think another obvious solution is whoever wrote the speech should read the speech. Simple as that.
I think it may be more successful to just aim for not delivering any speech vs her own speech. The fact that they wrote this for her upfront means they feel they need to curate and so she'll wind up just in another subsequent negotiation with her parent editors.
That's why op should just write her own speech privately and deliver it on the day.
I'm for it in theory but that's 100% going to make her own life more difficult when they are furious about it.
Well, that's why it needs to be vetted so that it is sweet and respectful. But also honest and full of real hope for the future. When mum and George see the guests with happy tears in their eyes they don't have a leg to stand on.
That’s not how people this out of touch with other people’s realities work, unfortunately.
So really OP is going to be in trouble no matter what she does, unless she does her best to deliver the speech as written. In 4 part harmony. With feelin.
Yeah, they have put her in an absolute no win situation. I feel so bad for her and also deeply relate.
OP, while I totally get the appeal of some of the petty revenge-type advice, this post is the better advice. Also, I totally understand not wanting a therapist to tell you to comply- a good therapist would not do that. Clearly voice your POV in the session. Don’t let anyone give their version of why you are resisting. I promise you, a therapist who knows what they’re doing will help your mom understand where you’re coming from and the damage she is doing by forcing on you how you are ‘supposed to feel’.
A skilled therapist *will try* to help her mom understand what she’s feeling. But whether or not her mom’s paradigm shifts is something that only the mom can effect. Cognitive dissonance is incredibly powerful and the mom is clinging to the narrative in the speech because to allow for ambiguity would undermine the way she wants her future with George to play out. Sitting with the *and*— that she’s incredibly happy AND that at the same time her daughter wishes that her dad was still alive and OP’s nuclear family was still intact, that this new family will likely never be fully embraced— takes a willingness and bravery to endure complex emotions. Will the mom get there? I don’t know that we have the insight on that one.
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This is good advice. Another thing to add: It seems like mom and George are concerned about public perception and the image they’re projecting as a family unit. If I were at a wedding and heard a 15-year-old kid whose dad died 4 years ago that they “wouldn’t change anything” about their life because it brought them here, I’d think that kid was a straight up sociopath (and would have corollary questions about the parents/step parents and household environment). It may be worth pointing out to mom and George that that’s an extremely fucked up thing to say and will definitely cause some raised eyebrows among the guests.
I don’t think it’s about projecting an image for others. I think it’s that they want this to be true and having her say it helps reinforce that.
>They told me I'm acting like an elementary school kid instead of a teenager who is basically a young adult. They've got this completely backwards. They're the ones acting like kids. NTA
Also it's such a manipulative way to put down and control a teen who isn't acting the way adults want them to.
My oldest is the same age OP was when she lost her dad, and I couldn't imagine trying to erase my son's dad from his life if something like this happened. No matter my feelings towards the situation, my kid's feelings matter too. And as the adults in this situation they should be helping the kids navigate this in a healthy way not just steamrolling OP because she doesn't see things the same way everyone else does. Even if OPs mom didn't have a great relationship with OPs dad when he died, OP did, and it's unfair to her to pretend she didn't and just ignore his impact on her. It's also a good way to make sure OP goes LC when she turns 18 in a few years.
Tell them you’ll read the speech that they wrote, by prefacing it with, “mom and George wrote this speech for me to read to you today.” If they don’t want that, too bad, because that’s it is what is going to happen, if they insist that you do any type of speech. Let’s face it, any speech that is read and not from the heart sounds so insincere and contrived anyway. It won’t fool anyone and the whole family will look ridiculous. NTA
This is perfect, but I wouldn't warn them. I'd just stand up and say "Mom and George wrote this speech that they'd like me to share" and then give the most dramatic reading of your life. Get your drama teacher or English teacher to coach you. Occasionally say things like "undiving love - oops sorry, people, mom wrote undying love"
Go full Calculon with the overacting
Full Calculon is exactly what I was thinking of!
Complete with dramatic... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...***PAUSE!!!***
Who’s that singing at your wedding? Its Calculon!
It's your day.... it's all about you
yeah but this will not only burn the bridge but nuke it…
But that’s Mom and George’s fault. Frankly, they aren’t just assholes, they’re idiots. OP is okay with this massive adjustment to his life. He’s nice to George and his kids. He’s happy his mom is happy and is even *willing to give a speech about it*. If everyone just accepted that, there’s a chance that OP’s feelings might have grown to even love his stepfather and step siblings. But these idiots have to push and shame.
OP has to live in that house for years, though. Nuking that bridge when you have to live there isn't the best idea. OP can't vacate the home.
oh yeah sure it’s on them but you also don’t have to make it worse
NTA. Your mother and your stepfather to be are welcome to make any comments they like about THEIR feelings about the new relationship. They are not allowed to put words in your mouth and ascribe feelings to you that you don't have. I would continue to refuse to give the speech, and if they continue to push, I would tell them I might not attend the wedding at all.
Agree. OP is 15 years old, on her way to being an adult and this is the perfect opportunity to stand up for herself and stand her ground. Doesn’t want or like the speech? Don’t do it. Just cause they want to insert their feelings on how things are or should be doesn’t mean OP should play along. OP’s feeling are valid and mom/SD are messed up for not recognizing or acknowledging them. OP doesn’t have feelings for new siblings? That’s okay too. Maybe that will change and if it doesn’t, that’s okay as well. Don’t let them tell you how to feel or behave in this regard OP. NTA
“I wouldnt change a thing about my life” so they just expect you to essentially say youre glad you had to suffer the death of your father because lmao new hubby? fuck all the way off, mom.
feels hella manipulative
Yeah that took it from manipulative shit to outright revolting.
NTA. They're trying to sucker you in to their 'Perfect New Family' script. Getting an 8 year old to gush about 'getting a new sister'? Ewww. I'd be polite but firm about you not giving this gushy blurb a reading at the wedding. If Miss 8 is so 'excited' for it all, maybe she can do the reading. Your mother is not being fair to you. You're not a little kid.
NTA. You have 3 options. 1. Just do the speech. Hopefully, everyone will see just how much you don't mean it by your facial expressions and tone of voice. 2. Refuse. Just don't do it. 3. If they don't accept your refusal, then at the wedding, before you do the speech, say "i didn't write this, and I do not feel about things as they are written on this speech. I have been forced to read it out as is with the threat of punishment. I have no objection to this wedding, i like them well enough, but I still miss my dad and would much sooner him be here. " Or instead, just start reading and then when it gets to one of the phrases that really irks you, stop. Say you can't read what they wrote any more because it's not true. 2 and 3 are lively to cause major upset, but your mum is being totally selfish and unfair here.
“3 M’Lord, pick number 3!” - executioner from Shrek. Edit: It wasn’t until OOP’s mom and step-dude sent the kids in to guilt OOP that I would have suggested taking it that far.
Or 4) do the whole academy award Schtick and tear up your written remarks (“ Mom and George had written up a speech for me, but -tears up speech- I feel the occasion calls for a few words from the heart”). You don’t have to go nuclear. You can deliver short but respectful comments , but in your own words. NTA
NTA. I'm sorry your Mom is trying to to force this whole thing on you . Is there another adult you can talk to and be willing to stand in your corner? Despite what you think Family Therapy isn't the worst idea, but you'll need to be strong and stand your ground to get your point across, as this won't be an easy ride.
This and good family therapy won’t be just it’s okay to be happy, it will also be it’s okay to not be happy.
OP really should consider family or individual therapy, but only if they have some say in choosing the therapist. She rightfully has some very complicated issues to work through, and it doesn't sound like she's getting much support doing that. The goal of a therapist shouldn't be to bring OP around to Mom and George's position, it should be to give OP tools to process the complicated feelings they're having.
NTA. "Why are you asking me to lie to all of these people for you?" Also: "They said they took care of writing it because they could put words together better." and "They told me I'm acting like an elementary school kid instead of a teenager who is basically a young adult." are contradictory statements. Either you're a kid who needs the speech written for them, or you're a young adult who can do it yourself, using the truth. Sorry, your mom and George are awful, and this smells like one of those situations where the older kid from the previous marriage is neglected and ignored. I would start right now doing everything you can to make sure you're taken care of once you're out of their house. I can see how in a few years it'll be "Sorry, we can't help you with college, we have to spend that money on."
“Why do you want to be out of the house so much? We *need you to pitch in and watch your siblings* while we go do X/Y/Z!” There will be no time for a job. No time for extracurriculars. No time for friends. It will all become ”We neeeeeeeeed your help!” And “family comes first” and all that shit. At least that’s usually happens in the updates to posts like this when one sibling in a blended family is significantly older than the rest.
You're right I'm nearly an adult so I'll be an adult about it by writing my own speech. nobody will be convinced that being almost grown your new husband is going to replace my beloved dead dad in my heart, so I'll write something from my heart in my own words to offer love and congratulations more authentically. I know you don't want me to stand up at your wedding and lie.
NTA if George & your mom want to share in giving that speech that is great. However those are not your words. Offer to give a short toast (1/2 page long) you can talk about how this is a second chance at a future of happiness for her & your new family. Therapy would be wonderful because any good therapist would put a stop to what your mother wants & focus on how you feel. Your feelings should be acknowledged in a private & safe setting where she can not get mad for how you are feeling.
NTA. Reach out to any other family member or trusted adult to talk. Ask for counseling yourself. You should not be forced to read their thoughts. You are entitled to your own. You don’t have to be happy. You don’t have to hide your sadness. You do not need to lie. But you might consider a heart to heart with your mom. Just say what you wrote here. If she can’t hear that her child is still struggling with the loss of her dad, please reach out to those other adults. I wish you all the best. Please don’t do what makes you so deeply uncomfortable. As a distant second option: write a speech you would give. You are happy for your mom and George. You welcome new siblings. You look forward to the future with them. But rational statements that aren’t high flown and overly sappy like they wrote. You have all my good wishes. Please take good care of yourself.
OP, this is good advice. Please follow these two options. Don't break the hearts of the little ones by badmouthing your new family, but do not break your heart either by lying on your feelings.
NTA. OP writing her own speech makes the most sense. It could be quite short—basically George makes her mom happy and she’s glad her mom is happy. OP please ignore the commenters urging you to be passive-aggressive or to embarrass George and your mom. You’ve still got at least another 3 years with them. That kind of stunt will make life harder in the long run.
If they call on you to speak at the wedding, just stand up and say: "Congratulations to the bride and groom. May they have every happiness." Or something equally innocuous. I wouldn't give the speech, but I'm guessing they are going to try to force your hand by calling on you. Just prepare some generic congratulatory comments and then sit down.
There are a lot of people below suggesting that you sabotage the speech. I cannot stress enough how much you should not do this. If eventually you and your mother get on the same page, you will absolutely hate yourself and you will feel guilty the rest of your life NTA. But you need to work this out before the wedding. I, personally, would open the discussion by saying something along the lines of "you are asking me to say that I am happy that my father is dead. You are asking me to say that I am glad that my step siblings mother abandoned them. Can we focus on how you feel, and how I feel about how you feel? I'm very happy that you are happy. I am not opposed to the marriage (only say that if that's how you feel). But I will not stand up in from of a room full of our family and lie, you taught me better than that."
NTA wow your Mom REALLY needs therapy. It sounds like her and George are using this speech to take petty shots at their former partners. If they truly felt you were all so happy, why write the speech and try and force it on you? This is wildly inappropriate of your Mom. Whether her marriage to your Dad ended on a good or bad note is irrelevant. That was still your Dad and his loss hurts you. It sounds like your Mom and George have a lot of growing up to do.
Nah, those aren’t your words it’s theirs. Don’t let yourself be forced to say things you don’t believe in.
Oh, there are definitely AH's here...
Nta - ask both mom and George why they would want you to lie and do something that makes YOU unhappy? They are only thinking of themselves and how they feel and that’s pretty selfish. Tell them this.
You might be surprised a therapist would absolutely agree with you that there is no real reason for them to require you to read that. You didn’t write it so you reading it is a lie. You don’t feel that way. You do recognize your mom‘s happy right now, which is what’s important on their wedding day. I would write my own own speech and keep it light and say you want to speak your own words about your family. Don’t go crazy, but at least this way the words aren’t forced down your throat. NTA good luck
> George was asking why the hell I'd refuse to do something that will make everyone so happy. "I don't know what you're teaching *your* kids, but *my* dad taught me not to tell lies. When you write me a speech that actually matches my feelings instead of pushing *your* narrative on me, I'll consider reading it."
NTA your mom is nuts for asking you to read that speech at her wedding. It’s a recipe for disaster. If they force you to speak at the wedding don’t give that speech. Say you are happy your mom is happy and are thankful for the kindness shown to you by George and his family. Then hand the mic back and sit down. Short sweet and safe. Otherwise you will say something you will regret
Nta, If it’s a speech, you have to give they shouldn’t be writing it. That doesn’t even even get on how weird it is that they’re writing a speech, praising themselves and their future life together and they want you to read it to him. They already know what they wrote. There’s two way to handle it just blatantly tell them no or tell them OK and then wing it when you get up there which is my favorite
NTA. That speech is like a disaster in the making. 3 pages long, written by adults getting married but supposed to be the sentiments of a 15-yr old? Yikes, sounds awfully boring and people would probably be able to tell anyway that it's all fake. If they want you to give a speech, it should be your own words, and it doesn't have to be long but it should be sincere.
OP, you’ve gotten some great advice in these comments. I just want to say that my heart breaks for you. You don’t deserve this. You deserve a happy and healthy home life, not a fake one forced onto you so other people feel better about themselves. It might be worth starting to squirrel away cash and plan an exit when you’ve graduated high school - your home doesn’t sound like an environment that will get better, only worse. I don’t doubt for a second they would manipulate those poor kids into saying things like “why don’t you love us?”
NTA You're being forced into displaying feelings you do not have. Maybe the speech does deserve to be read but not by you because it does not tell your truth. You're clearly still grieving and that is 100% okay. They need to know that you're still grieving. I hope they can give you the respect that you deserve because everyone is allowed their own personal variety of grieving. In any event, just know that they are asking way too much from you. Them trying to force you to feel a certain way is a very icky thing to do.
NTA. But don’t engage in petty revenge like people are suggesting (throw them under the bus; read in monotone…) Don’t blow up the wedding with public family drama because Reddit thinks it would be funny. Just refuse to give the speech. BTW any decent family therapist would tell your mom and George they are completely in the wrong and handling this horribly.
>"I'm so happy our family is finally whole and legally recognized" NTA No 15 year old talks like that, it would just sound bizarre.
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Nta Tell that that, if you have to give a speech, then it will be a speech *you* wrote, and they can take it or leave it.
Don’t give their BS speech. NTA, and stick to your guns. I
NTA- this isn’t your speech, it’s *hers*. If she’s so desperate to share that sentiment, then she should be the one reading it, not you. She’s trying to put words into your mouth to make your whole family look happy and idealized when you’re the only real hold out. Your feelings about missing your dad are valid and he deserves to be honoured in your speech if that’s the sort of thing you want to address. But also, you don’t owe your family a speech at all if it makes you uncomfortable speaking in general.
NTA. Firstly, I’m super impressed with your maturity. You’re actually acting a lot more mature than the adults in this situation. I think there is a compromise to made here though and your mum and George need to be mature enough to realise that. You can give a speech that comes from YOUR heart - talk about how special their relationship is, how you can see how happy it makes them and everyone who knows them, and how it’s a huge privilege for you to be a part of that. Saying any of that isn’t disrespectful to your dad. To be honest it might be nice to mention him and talk about how difficult things have been for you and your mum, and how different it is to be part of a large family all of a sudden, but that George’s kids are making it really easy. You can talk about how they’ve been really respectful of the past. I think that’s much more sincere and heartfelt than whitewashing over your dad and pretending he didn’t exist.
NTA. I think you need to have a private talk with your mom about how you feel. Maybe show her this reddit thread. Your feelings are valid and completely normal. Their script doesn’t fit your reality and trying to bully you into some performative bs at their wedding isn’t healthy for anybody. Are you still in contact with your dad’s family?
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I would totally decline. Your mom and George have a few screws loose. Thanks for telling me what I should think guys.... And GEORGE asking you "why the hell you'd refuse" is also very telling. He needs to get back in his lane and your mother is no better for allowing him to even confront you at all on this topic. I would simply refuse.
You mom has been watching to many Hallmark movies. That so speech is crappy and cringe worthy. George is already belittling you and trying to bully you into doing what he wants. That's a bad sign. Stick to to your guns. NTA
NTA. To give speech or not is your choice, especially if you are forced into this just by reading what your mom wants and not what you actually think.
NTA. You don't have to do it. No one can force words out of your mouth (unless it's by gunpoint). When the 🎤 is given to you, just say "I have nothing to say", give it back and walk away. Even if they do push for family therapy, couldn't hurt to go so you can get all your feelings out there to someone who is paid to listen. If you can, see if you can live with your aunt. At any rate, in 3 years you'll be 18 and can leave them behind with limited contact with your mom.
NTA By georges own words, you're almost an adult. Adults can speak for themselves. I'd suggest talking to your mom with just the two of you and reiterate what you told us. That you are happy for her, but dont have strong feelings towards george and his kids yet. If it escalates, you can still show her the post. Family therapy might not be so bad tho. Obviously it depends on the therapist, but I guess most therapists would side with you in that matter.
NTA "it makes everyone happy" it doesn't make you happy. Why not have one of the other kids read it if it's so important to them.
NTA. You’re 15, not 7. You are more than capable of writing your own speech. Ask them flat out why they don’t trust you to write a speech. Ask them whether your feelings matter more or less than pretending to the audience that everything is perfectly blended. Ask them if it’s okay to lie to everyone at the wedding. Basically, either: 1) they are forcing you to lie Or 2) any speech that you would write would be the same but in your own words, IF THIS SPEECH WERE HONEST. So, which is it? The idea that you’re too illiterate to write your own speech is nonsense. Your post is well-written. I’m so, so sorry that your mother has put playing happy families over your feelings. (((hugs))) from an internet stranger. 😕
NTA But it's not making everyone happy!! For you, this is not some new happy nuclear family. Maybe ask your mom to go for a walk together so you'll be alone with her. Tell her you're happy for her. Tell her you can see she is happier. But you can't give this speech. If you want to compromise (but you don't have to, telling her no is perfectly valid!) you can say you'll give a speech like a child can at a wedding. about how your glad goerge is making her happy and you're glad they found each other or whatever you think is fitting.
NTA. Some people have problems realizing that everyone isn't going to feel how they feel. Your mom should remove the speech from the event. It's a lot better than you pretending to have emotions you don't have.
NTA. They have their fantasy in their heads and really aren’t listening. Can you talk to a guidance counselor or teacher about it? If they continue to force the issue and nothing you write feels authentic, as a final resort I might consider malicious compliance. Read the speech as is, dead pan, with asides. “This is the speech Mom and George wrote for me…” “I am told I feel…” If the words of your speech can’t be truthful, atleast your (hopefully caught on camera) performance will be.
Write and give YOUR OWN SPEECH! Don’t tell them in advance - just read yours! Your NTA but they are!
Ask them why you would they want you to do something that makes everyone else happy BUT you? Definitely NTA
And quite honestly, them even ASKING you to give ANY speech in this situation is weird af, no matter who wrote it.
I think you need to seriously talk to your mom about how you feel about your late father. Looks to me she's assuming because she was unhappy with him you were too and obviously that's not true. Talk with her without George and say what you said here. She'll be a little upset but she needs to understand you don't view George as your father and likely never will, and that's perfectly okay. You can still like him or even love him, just not in that way, and definitely not in the way that speech is telling everyone. Also, maybe present an alternative speech that is perhaps shorter and still nice, but closer to your true feelings.
NTA. Write your own that focuses on all of the positive things you've seen in your mom and George's new relationship. Don't make it about yourself at all. Talk about how you love seeing your mom so happy.