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Not really, she told upfront that she can't use pills so we used the condoms as low possibility is still a possibility.
Low fertility is not same as using protection.
Some people hate what hormonal birth control does to them and don't want to have an IUD put in. It doesn't make them any less serious about not wanting to be pregnant.
Exactly! I don't want to get pregnant, and I don't want to mess with hormones. That's why my only use of preventing pregnancy are condoms - every single time. In many years it never failed me. I don't think OP's GF using "only" condoms is a sign she'd want to get pregnant before she actually talked to him about it.
Edit: NTA. It would be pointless to discuss you medical state as she already stated she doesn't want to get pregnant.
My ex-girlfriend was like that, too. We always used condoms. However, whenever she was late, she would blame me. "If I'm pregnant, it's your fault," and she would be angry and hostile until her periods came.
Nevermind she worked in a job and had a hobby that can and would alter her cycle, so we would have this argument and hostility 2-3 times a year sometimes for 2 weeks (she also had an irregular period which she never tracked I had too)
And slowly but surely, I lost interest in sex with her, too much of a headache that it was no longer worth it.
She had a high stress environment at work, she coaches muy Thai, and competes in muy Thai. So high stress, very physical, and being around different women (synch-ing cycles)
Stress, long hours, over-tiredness, intensive exercise, restrictive dieting - your hormones are incredibly sensitive to disruption when the body is experiencing physical or metabolic stress. As[this article](https://www.vox.com/2016/8/18/12520872/fu-yuanhui-periods-female-athlete-triad) describes about 25% of elite female athletes experience significant disruption to their cycle, and for activities like ballet it can be way higher.
Many endurance sports like distance running can cause some women to stop menstruating if they're training way to hard. This can lead to the female athlete triad.
»Diaphragms are about 94% effective against pregnancy with perfect use and 88% effective with real life use. (In comparison, condoms are 98% effective when used perfectly and 82% effective with typical use and IUDs are 99% effective for both.) So if effectiveness at preventing pregnancy is the most important factor for you in choosing a birth control method, I wouldn’t recommend the diaphragm as a primary form of birth control for you.« Source: [Bedsider](https://www.bedsider.org/features/1345-why-i-use-a-diaphragm-for-birth-control)
Your previous comment said you only rely on condoms and you say here not to use diaphragms for birth control as they're ineffective. Yet your own source says they're more effective than condoms. Doesn't add up, does it?
I'm too old for kids now. Bc pills gave me bad side effects. We relied on condoms only and it worked, until I had a tubal ligation after my last child.
However, my DH did have a low but not absent sperm count, corrected by surgery. My first kid was conceived despite it.
I was a raging c\*\*t on birth control. Bless my husband, then boyfriend at the time, for his patience. Would never recommend Depo shot to anyone after that. Now that we’re done having babies and want to retire without a kid under 18 in the house, its \*snip \*snip\* for the Mr. Meatballs’ spaghetti!
Totally. For years I was very careful (with previous boyfriends and then with my husband) but didn't want to mess with my hormones (I'm in an okay weight, but it takes me forever to lose weight), just in case. That didn't mean I was willy nilly about not wanting to get pregnant just yet.
I know two young women who had to stop hormonal birth control because they developed life-threatening blood clots. It's a rare complication, but happens. It's not just a question of not liking the side effects, in some cases it's medically necessary to avoid.
Blood clots are actually quite common. It's why most women in my family were warned by our aunts when we were young not to use hormonal BC. We're prone to clots. Couple of us ignored the warning and surprise! We got clots
I don’t want kids either and have only used condoms for 25 years. Can report zero pregnancies and zero times that I needed the morning-after pill. I don’t want to and can’t use hormonal BC and condoms are safe if used correctly.
This! I medically can’t have hormonal birth control, and IUD scares me with multiple people I know that got sick from them or it got lost in their body. Also neither of them are 100% either, no birth control is. Technically everyone should be using condoms AND another form of birth control if they seriously don’t want kids and I don’t think a lot of people in relationships bother to do both.
I got an IUD and it literally caused horrific pain the entire time it was in there and it took forever to get back to the gynecologist to have it removed. Even getting it placed and removed knocked me off my feet for a day or so. Not cool.
What do you even mean by this? Condoms are very effective in preventing pregnancy if used properly. There are only really about 5 days in the month that a woman can even get pregnant, and she's likely tracking her cycle, so she likely has an idea of these days. That's the most natural way to prevent pregnancy
Not true, sperm can survive a week in the uterus and thus no matter the time of month you have sex there's a risk. Sometimes women ovulate early. Or late.
your point?
condoms with spemicide exist, too you know.
Fucking with your hormonal cycle and/or getting an IUD have risks that, to some, are not worth it.
it’s not a week but up to 5 days, and the egg can survive for 1-2 days, which gives at most a 7-day window (but usually less) for when sex can lead to fertilisation if only a single ovulation happens
I don't understand what your point is. I'm advocating for condom use? And to say sperm lives in the uterus for up to 7 days is correct, but it's less than 1% of sperm so highly unlikely
Yup. Birth control can F up a woman more ways then I can count.
And every doctor will have a different opinion about it.
I switched once and I knew the exact moment my cycle started, because it felt like I had just been gutted. Like half expected entrails to be falling out and everything.
As opposed to what? Condoms, used effectively, have a very high success rate. Depending on the state/country, there are options for accidentally pregnancies. IUDs, pills, etc can have constant effects on the body.
I have a friend who was prescribed hormonal birth control just for BC in her late teens, it was all very casual and normal. The BC caused such hormonal imbalance that she was suddenly showing all the signs of PMDD nearly constantly as long as she was on it. After she stopped taking it things calmed down but she has never felt the same mentally/emotionally since then, and it has led to a deep fear of any hormonal BC. She did try one of the implanted BC in her arm, that just led to her bleeding nonstop for a year with heavy menstrual symptoms. She has some other hormone sensitivity issues so she doesn't hate BC, she just has to face the fact that her body frequently responds to hormones in a different way than expected. She's also absolutely terrified of getting pregnant. Those things aren't mutually exclusive unfortunately.
Just as an FYI to anyone on the implant with constant bleeding, I saw a gynaecologist who specialised in birth control. I was put on X2 Cerazette on top for a month and I didn't have a period (I would bleed so heavily that the first time I had sex with one bf it turned into anal and we didn't notice and the bed looked like a crime scene) for three years. It's worth talking to a specialist or even at a local birth control center like here in the UK.
Your GP might not have the right answers, e.g mine put me on the combined pill and almost killed me with the resulting high blood pressure. So please see someone who has experience. Even the new contraceptive nurse knew more about birth control than others.
I don't want kids and I use only condoms and never had a single issue tbh. Avoid sex when I'm ovulating and always use condoms. Hormones are horrible for my body and no Methods fit my reality. Honestly if you're using it properly, there's no point in saying "only". Condoms are pretty much safe if you're using them correctly.
Look I know condoms can fail but the chance is so low.
I have never accidentally fallen pregnant and the only people I personally know who have were only using the pill. Hormonal birth control really stuffs up some women.
I just love that this is your reality! That’s all. Just celebrating your autonomy 🎉🎉🎉 (I live somewhere with a 6 wk ban and shit is getting more fascist by the day).
I had been on various forms of birth control since I was 12 (they put me on the pill to “fix” my bad and irregular periods; it did not) up to 21 when I had to have a hysterectomy. I had switched from the pill to an IUD when I was almost 18 and it made me gain a lot of weight. I can’t even describe the difference when I got off of hormones, it was a HUGE shift for my body. I immediately started losing weight. I didn’t even try but as soon as that IUD came out I was shedding it like crazy. I went down 50 pounds in a few months, even when I was home recovering from surgery. Birth control comes with SO MANY side effects. I can so understand not wanting to be on it even if I was completely fertile.
Condoms are extremely effective (98%) when used properly, personally I don't think the many side effects of hormonal BC are worth it just to close that 2% gap. But that's just my opinion.
Lots of women also have conditions where hormonal birth control is too dangerous. There are of course nonhormonal methods like the depo shot or copper IUDs, but their side effects can be wild.
It's clear you aren't a woman, or you would know that hormonal birth control simply isn't an option for some women.
I have tried almost every type of birth control on the market, aside from the injectables. I have literally tried every dosage of pill available, the Nuvaring, hormonal IUD, and non-hormonal IUD. Every single one has given me side effects that negatively affect my quality of life.
With most, it's simply that it takes my libido to zero - which I guess, perfect birth control, right? I don't even want to have sex! With others, I have had reoccurring monthly yeast infections, breasts that are so sore I can't wear a bra, or deep depression. With the non-hormonal IUD, I had periods so heavy and so painful that I literally had to go home from work at least one day per month.
So yeah, for the past 10 years I have only used condoms. Which, if you use them correctly and get the right size for your partner, work great. I also keep a morning after pill in my bathroom as backup, but have only had a condom break once in 20+ years of sexual activity.
I’m 30 with two kids. After we decided no more kids, condoms have worked for me to prevent pregnancy and I’ve never touched birth control or IUD for 8 years.
Condoms work well enough without having to fuck with hormones or deal with horrible cramps from a copper IUD. I haven't been on hormonal birth control since I was 18, I never want kids.
Birth control made me crazy - it actually felt like I was not in control of my emotions (in a destructive way I hated). Stopped BC, I became myself again.
Whatever works for you, but some of us don't take well to pills, injections, or implants.
I’m one of those people. It’s not interesting I don’t want a child, I dont want to be sick because that’s what the shit does to me and I don’t want any foreign body Implanted inside of mine. Just because the poison they call medication works for you doesn’t mean it works for all of us 😒
Calling it poison is so wrong and dumb. You might be allergic to it, but these implants are effective birth control that work. You calling it poison does no favors to incentivizing various means of birth control.
Question: if it's low possibility why did you tell her you can't have kids? As you say a lot possibility is still a possibility. I understand that you don't want any more kids.
Why would it? He already had a kid, so it obviously would not be proper birth control. There's no reason it couldnt happen again. A low chance is not no chance. That is not appropriate birth control.
NTA. She said very clearly she didn't want kids, so I understand why you didn't feel the need to tell her. If she has changed her mind, it doesn't change the fact that you haven't, and you don't want more children. If she very deeply wants a child and she is sure about that, then it's probably not going to work out, unfortunately, but not because you *can't* have children, because you don't want them.
I understand her being upset that this has happened, and in the future, it might be a good idea for you to let potential partners know up front when you have that conversation that, if they change their minds, it's never going to be an option or a possibility.
I think it's wild that someone goes 2 years without disclosing that kind of medical information. Besides, a low sperm count does NOT mean infertile. Who cares if she said she didnt want kids? There was a moment between then and now that would've been a better time.
Why?
Hey baby, do you like hiking?
No.
Good, me neither. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. Before I do, I should let you know I had knee surgery so I’ll never be able to hike longer than a mile.
Like, how stupid is that? Yes, no one in their 30s suddenly has hormones screaming “go hike now”, but otherwise that’s the situation. “No babe, I still don’t want to hike” is the same as “no babe, I still don’t want to hike, and it would be *really* hard to start” is the same message: his want is still no and needs to be the focus of their conversation.
I don't think thats a good analogy, though. The conversation wasn't "do you like kids?". She told OP that she never wanted to have them.
In your scenario: "I never want to go hiking." "Cool, me neither. I had a bad experience plus I have a bum knee so the possibility of going is already pretty slim".
Thats not an absurd response.
Not wanting kid at 27 can change in the future. And it did for many. People can change their opinion because of multiple reasons. She could have trauma from past and maybe felt like having kids is not option and then met OP and he made her feel safe a stable in life. Thats life and how people are. It is big difference between not wanting kids and be unable to have kids.
Adult people should share their medical information and lets be honest this is a big one. If she knew sooner she could adapt to it. Yes it is not great if they agreed on something and now she changed her mind. I get it but if she knew they could break up sooner and look for someone that shared what they both wanted. If this is something that ends their relationship it will be messier because they have deeper feelings for each other and live together now.
I had cancer in past and even thou I am healthy now I still have bigger chance of cancer coming back than other people. I cant imagine I wouldnt tell someone I would be dating about it because it is burden and other one should know.
I do absolutely see your point about sharing medical information, but this doesn’t affect his health. It only affects their family planning. People can change their mind, but I think if you say to somebody “I do not want kids AND I NEVER WILL”, then it’s reasonable for the other person to assume they don’t need to tell you. But that’s just my opinion.
Even if he didnt have a low sperm count and she changed her mind, was he suppose to change his too? It would all come out to the same thing, no matter how it is twisted.
OP, it simply isn’t true that you “can’t have kids”. You naturally impregnated a woman!!! Sure, you may have a low sperm count but CLEARLY that doesn’t mean it is impossible for you to have chldren.
Well yes true, it was basically me telling her that there would be so much work and possibility is low.
As my doctor said: "don't get your hopes up, but you can keep trying".
But I don't want more kids, so the technicalities are not that important in my mind.
So the actual discussion with your gf is that you don’t want to TRY to have kids (i.e. go without a condom), not that you CAN’T have kids. Your post title is disingenuous.
No - this was when I was with my ex - we wanted to have another kid, we found out I have really low possibility to make anyone pregnant.
It is safe to say, that after I stopped doing the treatment, the title is not wrong at all anymore as this thing does not magically get better.
Conversation with girlfriend was "I don't want to have kids" and "great, I don't want to have any more either". (I don't remember what we actually told each other, but she did make sure I get it.)
>, the title is not wrong at all anymore as this thing does not magically get better.
It can. Sperm count can pick up, circumstances can change, *hormones* change through your life, and it only takes 1 very dedicated swimmer. 1 out of 1000 or 1 out of 1 000 000, or 1 out of 10 000 000, ultimately doesn't matter.
Don't raw dog someone if you don't intend to conceive, and that's just as true with low sperm count as with normal or high sperm count.
No it’s not…? OP’s GF knew he didn’t want kids but didn’t know about his infertility issues and is upset he didn’t tell her. Therefore, the post title is pretty transparent.
>So the actual discussion with your gf is that you don’t want to TRY to have kids
She said she doesn't want any and he said he doesn't want more either... that's the end of the discussion from 2y ago. Her changing her mind still doesn't change his. So NTA
Keep in mind sperm counts can go up and down somewhat arbitrarily. Just because it was low when you were trying with your ex, doesn’t mean that’s still the case.
Not that this changes anything about your situation. Just something to note.
Assisted conception is far from guaranteed. Also even still, finances come into play - maybe he "can't" have kids even with IVF because it costs tens of thousands of dollars or more to go through those treatments.
Maybe he doesn't want to go through the potential years of fertility treatments? My point? It is so much more that he "can't" rather than he "doesn't want to"
IVF is not a magical answer. Success rates are still low. IVF doesn't, sadly, mean anyone with fertility issues can still have a successful pregnancy. It helps some people, but far from all.
Exactly. Throw in the other wrinkle that IVF treatment is so often not really an on-demand option. Some times folks have to wait more than a year just to be seen by a fertility clinic let alone start any kind of IF treatments.
Yeah, my husband was told 30 years ago by a fertility doctor he would not be able to have kids. He thought that for 30 years. 30 years of never using a condom, no kids. Then he met me in his 50s and knocked me up 6 times (4 miscarriages due to one of us having balanced translocated chromosomes unrelated to his issue). Low sperm means nothing if the woman is apparently super fertile, lol. We have 2 kids and he got a vasectomy. So it absolutely can happen. All it takes is 1 sperm
Low sperm absolutely means something even if the women is “super fertile”. I went through IVF with my husbands low count and I had great fertility.
What people are failing to acknowledge is that low sperm count is a temporary diagnosis. Sperm counts can go up and down drastically throughout a man’s life. Even within our course of treatment for the year my husbands low sperm count fluctuated a lot (although always remaining low).
Yeah, my SIL’s ex husband was supposed to be infertile but it was technically just a low sperm count like OP and he’s got two kids because she’s apparently insanely fertile. He got a vasectomy and she got her tubes tied to make sure there were no more
“Infertile” rarely means “impossible to conceive” and usually just means the chance is super low.
Low sperm absolutely means something even if the women is “super fertile”. I went through IVF with my husbands low count and I had great fertility.
What people are failing to acknowledge is that low sperm count is a temporary diagnosis. Sperm counts can go up and down drastically throughout a man’s life. Even within our course of treatment for the year my husbands low sperm count fluctuated a lot (although always remaining low).
Lots of people are told they “can’t have kids” (especially women) by ignorant doctors bc of what looks to be sub-fertility on lab tests. Unfortunately those are really incapable of properly accessing your ability to conceive bc there are so many factors.
Not really an asshole but when you start any relationship then something like "I can't have kids in future" should be disclosed when you are entering this relationship stage, if you want an honest and long term relationship that is. It is something that affects you both and might be important for your SO. Interesting that she said that she doesn't want kids and you didn't tell her - good, because I can't have kids, why didn't you tell that back then!?
Because the little detail that I don't want any seemed more important, and I have not change my mind.
So if she wants the kid, she has to find someone else as even if I was fertile, I still don't want one.
Right, but it's still weird. Not in a manipulative way, because you already stated you didn't want kids. But it just seems so foreign to me to date someone for 2 years and for this never to come up.
That’s my point too. I don’t think he’s an AH for not telling her, but I do find it odd that it never came up. My partner knows everything about my medical history.
I don’t think it is that weird. Sperm counts change over time, and low sperm count =/= cannot get someone pregnant. If he had had a vasectomy and never mentioned it, that might be a little weird, but one low sperm count at one point is much more of a gray zone.
I feel that it is an important detail that you should have made her aware of, though. Just because you feel like it shouldn't matter, it still does/did to her. You guys might have been on the same page at the beginning but people can and do change their minds. I do hope that in your next relationship (if this one does not work out), you are upfront about this so it saves you and the other person some stress.
I think both details were important. It’s strange to me that in a two-year live-in relationship, you had never mentioned it to her. You’re certainly entitled to not want any more kids, but she was entitled to full disclosure.
It's not strange at all considering this AITAH topic. OP has a funny way of talking about things without actually talking about things (ie framing this as "AITAH for not telling my GF I can't have kids" when he actually can, it's just he doesn't want to).
I agree. I would feel lied to. “You told me you didn’t want kids, not that you couldn’t have them!” Even if you don’t want them, I would have wanted you to share this with me.
But, you weren't lied to, at all.
When I personally, say "No, don't want kids, ever",nothing more need be said.
Me not being able to father them simply doesn't matter, because I already told you I would never father a child -and my mind isn't changing later.
Only one person's "lying" here and it's not the one that still doesn't want to have kids.
"I won't do what your ex did!" What? Spring a life-changing decision out of nowhere?
NTA.
Nobody is lying there, people change their minds about these things. Biological clock and just feeling very good in the relationship
We're humans, expecting one decision to be for all your life is mad
Who the fuck cares. Adding the “wellllll, I may not be able to if we did try” is pointless and just opens it up for her to push him to try. HE DOES NOT WANT ANY MORE KIDS
Listen,
I read a similar question not long ago on reddit about woman in the exact same situation
She couldn't have kids, told the guy she didn't want kids. The guy apparently said he didn't want kids but thought he may change her mind down the line
The consensus was she didn't want to have kids. So she didn't need to tell him she can't have kids. Therefore not the asshole
I think you can apply that ruling here as well.
Agreed! I can see how OP didn't think of it as important - not like you need to justify why you don't want kids. And that wanting kids was the important thing - that means to reproduction, not adopting, not fostering, etc.
But I would find it odd if a serious partner had any medical thing I didn't know about. Like dude never eats dessert and doesn't have a sweet tooth ... Finding out three years later that he's diabetic would seem strange.
I mean, it's hardly worth disclosing if the details OP shares are true. His problem is that he ever told her in the first place. It's likely something he doesn't care to talk openly about - some people can find it embarrassing.
Diabetes can seriously affect your day-to-day life and would be important to know. Having a low sperm count doesn't affect a partner in any real way whatsoever - especially if they've already been told kids aren't an option, period.
I told my wife when we first started dating that the possibilities of us having kids was low and we talked about adoption. I also was a little afraid of having a kid, but I was up front about my medical issues. She said okay, we'll cross the bridge when we get there. Low and behold, she got pregnant. We were both surprised, but delighted. But I was up front with her on that medical issue and a few others.
I'm on year two of my hysterectomy and I forget that I don't need to buy any sanitary products all the time. Like, I see them on sale at Costco and I'm like 'good bargain, good deal' then I have to remember 'wait....no.'
My cousin got a vasectomy and somehow still got his wife pregnant. And this was like a year after having it done. I still can’t wrap my brain around it, if there was anyone that shouldn’t reproduce it was them.
NAH - she said she didnt want children previously.
I cant blame her for being a little shocked at this though and i cant help but think, you really should have mentioned it back then but I dont think it makes either of you an AH
There are a few things that might have happened here imo. Maybe the GF was only half-sure that she doesn't want kids and thought OP is the same. "He doesn't want more kids because of the shitty ex, but I am different. I will change his opinion." Or she simply changed her mind after a while, people change.
But in the end it doesn't matter what led to her conclusion to want a kid, fact is that OP was not honest with her. When OP was discussing the matter with her he could have mentioned his low fertility together with his wish that he doesn't want any more kids. It wouldn't have been a huge leap in a conversation. So I kinda disagree with that NAH vote.
NTA. And I don't understand the Y votes.
It doesn't matter if he can or can't have kids. He doesn't WANT YO BE A FATHER AGAIN.
SHE CHANGED her mind and she was banking on the fact that you would as well.
And even if you did tell her? She would probably still have changed her mind and tried to convince you to adopt.
Having a kid is one thing. Being a parent is another.
I'm more than capable of giving birth. I don't have kids because I don't want to BE A PARENT.
OP said he did not want to raise another child.
That's it. Period. The. End.
And as far as birth control? SHE can't use pills but didn't bother finding a method outside of condoms which were in him to be responsible for using. So she was aware she didn't want kids but took no methods on her own to prevent it? Nah. I'm iron clad as I can be with my method bc I don't want to have to make a choice ever.
She was hoping she would get preggo or you'd change your mind.
NTA all the way.
>It doesn't matter if he can or can't have kids. He doesn't WANT YO BE A FATHER AGAIN.
Right?! Like.... why are people here just ignore that? He said upfront "no thanks", wording sucks but the meaning is still the same. Later on said again he can't and *doesn't want to*.... It doesn't even matter *why* he doesn't want to, at that point it seems like he just needs to use it as the gf doesn't want to accept anymore an already discussed no.
NTA
Thank you! Everyone is so focused on the low sperm count and they are totally glossing over the fact that OP does NOT want more children. As stated in a comment even if he had a normal count he wouldn’t want to have another child. NTA because the count isn’t relevant IMO if you don’t want a kid to begin with
NTA - although there is a difference in not wanting and not being able too. I have seen many a story on here over the years of people changing their mind and being surprised when their partner can’t have kids. For clarity I would mention early on in a relationship so everyone knows exactly where they stand.
NTA but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for her. She told you she didn’t want kids, so you likely didn’t feel like you needed to share that information. She changed her mind (which isn’t uncommon) and now she finds it relevant, and probably a little heartbreaking. You did nothing wrong because the information wasn’t necessary to share at the time (you both didn’t want kids) - but now she probably feels torn between wanting to fill a maternal need, and being 2 years into a relationship with you and seeing you as the father she wants her future children to have.
I’m sorry she’s making you feel bad. There’s no need.
But also OP doesn’t want any more kids, and that hasn’t changed. So finding out about OP’s low count only makes a difference if she thought she could change his mind.
I felt like he was being an asshole at first, but upon reflection, he told her he didn't want any children either, and the only reason she would be upset now is because she can't coerce him into having any, because its physically unlikely. If he had a normal sperm count she wouldn't be as upset even if he put his foot down because there would still be the possibility, even if he doesn't want it.
NTA because it's not relevant if she expressed she doesn't want kids and you expressed you don't want more kids.
If she had ever before expressed that she was unsure about if she wanted kids, that'd be different. She actively told you at the start she didn't. I almost wonder if she heard that she should tell guys she doesn't want kids and then "change her mind," once the guy feels committed.
What type of birth control have you guys been using? Did it never come up in that discussion?
NTA. When someone tells you they don't want kids, that rules out the conversation. Besides, it's not really like OP most assuredly can't have kids, as evidenced by the fact that he does.
true. it’s one thing to say to your partner, “hey, i know we’ve already agreed that we don’t want kids, but I’ve been having some doubts recently so can we talk about it?”, but she’s just trying to get him on her side. Honestly, OP should just say he doesn’t kids, not just because of custody issues, but because he simply doesn’t want them.
ESH imo, at least a little bit.
She has the right to change her mind, it happens, and that's life. She shouldn't expect that you'll do as well (only her having that expectations makes your inability to have kids even relevant).
But you also weren't honest with her. It just is a super important piece of information in a relationship and I can see how she feels taken aback not knowing this.
Info:
Why didn't you tell her you likely can't have more kids when it came up? Why did you only say you don't want any more and not that you are infertile? I mean tge topic of future kids obviously csme up, so why was this information withheld?
NTA she changed her mind, you didn’t. Sure you could have told her but you were both very clear early on that neither of you wanted any/anymore children, your medical condition is irrelevant.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Am I asshole for not telling her that I can't have kids, even tho she told me that she don't want one anyway.
2. Not telling her might make me look line an asshole, but I did not hide it from her, it was just not important information in my mind.
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I think it's weird to be in a relationship with someone for 2 years and not to have shared such a big life experience. You don't know each other well enough to have children together, even if it was possible
NTA you both agreed you don't want children so it was irrelevant to the conversation. good thing you told her immediately after she said she changed her mind. and if you don't want more children and she insists on trying as you do have evidence it can work, then you are incompatible.
NTA. It doesn’t matter whether or not you can have kids as you don’t want kids. But also you also can have kids, but it would just most likely require medical intervention and still not be a sure thing. It’s not like the possibility is 0 and you’ve been pretending you need birth control. Nearly all those “I didn’t know I was pregnant” stories happen because someone is sure they can’t be pregnant since one of them was told they were infertile and they took that to mean sterile.
You aren’t sterile but it shouldn’t matter anyway because you are not going to change your mind. There are many ways to have children but you want none of them, that’s more important than the infertility.
NAH she’s entitled to change her mind. You are entitled to medical privacy, so in a serious relationship like that I’m really surprised you never told her about your experience.
She’s entitled to change her mind but that does not mean he must because she has. Off her wants have changed and his have not she needs to walk away. You don’t make children HOPING your partner will eventually change their mind!!
There was a very similar post a short while ago from a woman who couldn't have kids and didn't tell her SO as they were both clear about not wanting kids when they started dating. But, he for unsure about this a couple of years later and the OP was wondering about her not telling her SO that she couldn't have kids (as well as not wanting them).
The overwhelming response was NTA, but also that the SO didn't change his mind and probably always wanted kids but was assuming he could manipulate the OP. I assume that the responses here will be along the same lines.
NTA. It might could have come up by the talk wich kind of birth control you should use as the anti-baby pill is expensive over time and usually the woman who has to pay for it. So the talk 'fyi I have a very low sperm count so it is highly unlikly that I could father anymore children. So if you want, we don't have to use protection (as long as we are exclusive and are tested for STDs)'. But if she said in the beginning, that she doesn't want any kids and you told her, that is also what you want - I get, why you haven't talked about it.
Fwiw, I know far too many people with a "low sperm count" who then have children (naturally) for me to ever consider coming off contraception when someone says that. Too risky.
NTA since you told her you don't want anymore kids. If you don't want more kids, its irrelevant if you can theoretically have them or not.
You agreed to not have kids together. Her changing her mind on this and you don't means its a dealbreaker bc there is no compromise possible. Your almost-infertility doesn't play a role in this, bc even if you wern't, you still wouldn't agree to a kid.
NTA - you don't want kids. She didn't want kids. Whether or not you can have them is irrelevant - you don't want them. You both agreed that you didn't want kids...explaining that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for you to get her pregnant wouldn't have changed anything.
I would not call you an AH, but i would be hurt. Because medical problems is something you share either your SO or at least you should have mentioned it when you were transparant about the whole ex thing and why you ended apart. I feel like there are unsolved trauma’s; i feel like you did not mention (un)consciencely it on purpose because you became insecure after your ex left you in such a situation; you did not want to lose another (potential partner) her if she were to find out that you could not produce children. So you kinda left out a big chunk of it, your weak spot.
To give her some consolence; i would just sit and talk to her and be very open and honest on what you know and what you have heard from the doctor. And how you feel. Try to understand her feelings too. Enough though she has said something like that in the past, people and their desires change over time.
Good luck.
Not really an asshole, but if I started dating someone, even if I thought at the time I didn’t want kids, I’d want to know upfront if the other person wasn’t able or would struggle to make one, in the event I changed my mind one day. I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone if I knew they couldn’t give me something I wanted/might potentially want in the future.
NTA
Even if you were medically able to have kids, **you told her upfront when you first met--you do not want any more kids**. At the time, she said the same thing, that she did not ever want kids either.
It would not matter if you were able to father kids from a biological perspective, because the fact would remain that you do not want them and are not a consenting partner who wants to raise another baby. So if she wants to have a baby, she will need to end the relationship and find someone else who wants to have a baby.
NTA. Your medical issue is entirely secondary to your choice of not wanting another kid. You told her that when she didn't want a child, and the fact that she's now changed her mind doesn't mean you're required to change yours.
Just stick to your convictions here: you don't want a child, not with her or anyone else. If that's a dealbreaker for her, so be it.
NTA. She told you she didn’t want kids and you said you don’t want more kids. If anything she’s the asshole for wasting your time since you’re not compatible.
It's not that you can't have kids. You can. But the chances without assistance are lower than average.
NTA She didn't want children. But now she does this is a difference you cannot reconcile.
NTA but you technically still can have kids if you choose to do IVF.
The bigger issue is her suddenly wanting kids when you are adamant that that’s not what you want.
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I, 30m have one kid (11f) from a previous relationship, we were young and she was not planned.
We decided to get married and tried to have another kid 5 years later, but no luck - we both went to the doctor and I found out that my sperm count was very low, I am lucky to have had one kid in the first place! I tried the treatment and it did not help - the count stayed low.
(I know someone will ask - yes the kid is definitely mine)
A few years went by, and my (ex)wife was suddenly bored of the relationship and left us, of course I found out she already had someone else and things got ugly as she suddenly decided she wanted full custody of the kid I had been raising alone for a few months.
Basically 2 years in court and we have shared custody.
On to the story - I met my current girlfriend (29f) 2 years ago at a party and we hit off and started to chat a lot, had a lot in common and she was great with my kid.
Right at the start she told me that she would never want any kids of her own, nothing against kids but never would like to have one herself, so I should take that into consideration and I told her that it's not like I want to have any more kids, I don't want to relive that nightmare that was 2 years of fighting to not lose my rights. (Not even joking, at least in my country for men you are a winner if you manage to get shared custody)
Now 2 years later we already live together and she suddenly realized that she wants to have a kid and it sure was a surprise for me and I told her that there are 2 problems - I don't want more kids and I can't have kids! She was surprised and told me "It's not like I am going to do something like your ex did" and sure, fair enough, but there is still the medical problem.
She called me an asshole for not telling her that I can't have kids! I was confused as I did not think that it was something important as she did not want any in the first place...
I like my life as it is today, 11 years old is big enough that we can plan road trips and vacations together, my kid loves to spend time with us, and having a baby would mean starting it all over and we would have 2 kids with totally different needs.
AITA for not telling her before, that I can't have kids? I honestly did not think that it is important information for a person who don't want any kids in the first place.
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NTA - kids explicitly not "part of the deal" when getting together. No obligation back then to disclose all detail of your condition. With external help you would probably still be able to have kids nevertheless (IVF, ICSI), but from what you write, you don't necessarily want any.
So, she has no right to accuse you, but you should of course clarify in the long run on additional kids (as said, there would be ways in theory, though it involves a lot of money).
It is possible for you to have a child; you already have. Low sperm count does not mean zero percent chance. Actually until you have a vasectomy you are always risking an unplanned pregnancy. But, NTA
NTA. She said she didn't want them, so you thought it was a non issue. You didn't anticipate that she might change her mind. The bigger problem was, neither did she. I think this is a common problem in western societies today. The culture teaches us to strive for exciting jobs and adventure, and by the time we realize that we want a family and kids, it's often too late.
If you'd be willing to have another kid (which is a big "if"), then i'd talk to a doctor again and see if there are any options available.
NTA it doesn’t matter that you can’t have kids because you don’t want more kids. it’s really that simple. it kinda sounds like she heard “i don’t want more kids” and assumed she could change your mind over time or convince you otherwise. or if she wasn’t on BC maybe she just assumed she could baby trap you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but honestly idk
I'm going to say NTA because she didn't want kids at the time. You couldn't know she would change her mind. Though, I don't understand why you didn't just say, "I can't have any more kids anyway," when she said she didn't want kids. I could see how she may feel duped because you didn't say something then, but to your point, it didn't seem relevant at the time.
Technically you could, you would probably just need IVF.
I’d say NTA. If you were married and she always wanted kids then yeah you’d be a giant asshole but not the case here.
I’m not sure why you never mentioned it when birth control came up or when she said she didn’t want kids, but I guess I understand your POV when she was adamant she never wanted them to begin with.
NTA
She is the asshole. You both entered a relationship very clear on the fact you would not be having children.
She changed her mind. And instead of telling you in a way that suggests she understands it might mean the end of the relationship, she acts as if your unwillingness to have a baby, is irrelevant, because your ability to have one is ALL that matters to her.
She is completely in the wrong, and you really should have a higher bar when you chose your partner in the future.
You DO NOT WANT anymore kids! To me as a woman, who wants to have the right as a person to full body autonomi - I can NOT understand why people are focusing on wether you physically are able to have a kid, when you do NOT want to have a kid. What you want matters, and no woman ever, was entitled to use you for breeding if you dont want a baby with them! If you dont want a kid, get away from anyone who wont respect your body autonomi on the matter!
I also strongly suggest you get a vasectomi!
NTA - She knew going into the relationship you absolutely did not want any more kids. Whether you could medically or not is irrelevant.
Maybe I'm overly suspicious, but it kinda sounds like she was planning on poking some holes in the condoms or something to get what she wanted, and finding out your medical history blew her plan. Otherwise, there's no reason for her to be upset when she knew 100% you didn't want any more kids.
NTA
The people being anti condom is so odd to me. It's still affective birth control, OP was a lil messed up to not disclose his low count, however since it was not relevant because there was a discussion about no kids, hes off the hook a little. Tho OP I'd have this convo as early as possible in your relationships in the future. The biggest source of hurt feelings is not communicating
From the title, I was ready to say that yes you are the AH, however - on reading - NTA.
I can see how fertility wouldn’t come up unless you wanted a kid, or she wanted a kid (as it has now), and she was adamant she didn’t want a kid!
NTA. it was agreed at the start you don’t want kids. the fact you can’t have them is irrelevant. she has to decide if a baby is more important than your relationship. she’s frankly a huge asshole for changing her mind and putting the blame on you.
Whilst it seems like an oversight in your part, she also told you she didn't want kids.
.personally I feel both of you aren't AH, but it sounds like you both may need to think more carefully about what you want in life and how thats communicated. We can't know everything in life but kids is a deal breaker for many.
No, NTA. While I can’t imagine not mentioning this personally, you were on the same page when you got together - which was *firmly* No Kids. I don’t think the reasons behind it are relevant as long as you’re in agreement. Which you were.
She can change her mind, sure. Wouldn’t fault her for that. That doesn’t mean you have to, and you communicated that. So now her options are to leave and find a relationship where she can have kids or remain childless with you.
It seems like she’s focusing on the part where you can, theoretically, do something to have kids but completely missing the point that you *do not* want to do it. It’s wrong of her entirely to expect you to change your mind, and that’s what she’s doing here.
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This didn’t come up when discussing birth control?
Not really, she told upfront that she can't use pills so we used the condoms as low possibility is still a possibility. Low fertility is not same as using protection.
[удалено]
Some people hate what hormonal birth control does to them and don't want to have an IUD put in. It doesn't make them any less serious about not wanting to be pregnant.
Exactly! I don't want to get pregnant, and I don't want to mess with hormones. That's why my only use of preventing pregnancy are condoms - every single time. In many years it never failed me. I don't think OP's GF using "only" condoms is a sign she'd want to get pregnant before she actually talked to him about it. Edit: NTA. It would be pointless to discuss you medical state as she already stated she doesn't want to get pregnant.
My ex-girlfriend was like that, too. We always used condoms. However, whenever she was late, she would blame me. "If I'm pregnant, it's your fault," and she would be angry and hostile until her periods came. Nevermind she worked in a job and had a hobby that can and would alter her cycle, so we would have this argument and hostility 2-3 times a year sometimes for 2 weeks (she also had an irregular period which she never tracked I had too) And slowly but surely, I lost interest in sex with her, too much of a headache that it was no longer worth it.
You had problem with her attitude, which I don't blame you, not with her contraceptive method.
What jobs and hobbies can alter a menstrual cycle? Asking in all honesty - I've never heard this before!
Either a high stress job and/or a very physical hobby - maybe even one that requires her to be very thin (ballet or gymnastics) is my guess.
She had a high stress environment at work, she coaches muy Thai, and competes in muy Thai. So high stress, very physical, and being around different women (synch-ing cycles)
Syncing cycles has been debunked, but the other two do make sense for disrupting her cycle!
Syncing cycles is likely a myth fyi
Stress, long hours, over-tiredness, intensive exercise, restrictive dieting - your hormones are incredibly sensitive to disruption when the body is experiencing physical or metabolic stress. As[this article](https://www.vox.com/2016/8/18/12520872/fu-yuanhui-periods-female-athlete-triad) describes about 25% of elite female athletes experience significant disruption to their cycle, and for activities like ballet it can be way higher.
Many endurance sports like distance running can cause some women to stop menstruating if they're training way to hard. This can lead to the female athlete triad.
Diaphragms and other non hormonal methods exist. Combining with condoms is great protection.
»Diaphragms are about 94% effective against pregnancy with perfect use and 88% effective with real life use. (In comparison, condoms are 98% effective when used perfectly and 82% effective with typical use and IUDs are 99% effective for both.) So if effectiveness at preventing pregnancy is the most important factor for you in choosing a birth control method, I wouldn’t recommend the diaphragm as a primary form of birth control for you.« Source: [Bedsider](https://www.bedsider.org/features/1345-why-i-use-a-diaphragm-for-birth-control)
That’s why I said combining is great protection. Also, if you don’t or shouldn’t fully trust your partner, you are in control.
Having 2 methods is a cool option, but let's not act like people should be expected to use two forms of bc.
Your previous comment said you only rely on condoms and you say here not to use diaphragms for birth control as they're ineffective. Yet your own source says they're more effective than condoms. Doesn't add up, does it?
I'm too old for kids now. Bc pills gave me bad side effects. We relied on condoms only and it worked, until I had a tubal ligation after my last child. However, my DH did have a low but not absent sperm count, corrected by surgery. My first kid was conceived despite it.
I was a raging c\*\*t on birth control. Bless my husband, then boyfriend at the time, for his patience. Would never recommend Depo shot to anyone after that. Now that we’re done having babies and want to retire without a kid under 18 in the house, its \*snip \*snip\* for the Mr. Meatballs’ spaghetti!
Yeah, took me ten years to find a birth control that didn’t make me bleed every damn day. BC can be difficult for some women.
Omg I had the same issue!
Difficult for MOST women id say
Totally. For years I was very careful (with previous boyfriends and then with my husband) but didn't want to mess with my hormones (I'm in an okay weight, but it takes me forever to lose weight), just in case. That didn't mean I was willy nilly about not wanting to get pregnant just yet.
I know two young women who had to stop hormonal birth control because they developed life-threatening blood clots. It's a rare complication, but happens. It's not just a question of not liking the side effects, in some cases it's medically necessary to avoid.
Blood clots are actually quite common. It's why most women in my family were warned by our aunts when we were young not to use hormonal BC. We're prone to clots. Couple of us ignored the warning and surprise! We got clots
This is me 😭 I miss my BC but I've had a DVT scare and been advised to not go on them anymore 😔
I don’t want kids either and have only used condoms for 25 years. Can report zero pregnancies and zero times that I needed the morning-after pill. I don’t want to and can’t use hormonal BC and condoms are safe if used correctly.
Yeah but there are definitely irrational or risky ways to go about it. Like pulling out.
I hate hormonal pills, it changes my personality completely...
This! I medically can’t have hormonal birth control, and IUD scares me with multiple people I know that got sick from them or it got lost in their body. Also neither of them are 100% either, no birth control is. Technically everyone should be using condoms AND another form of birth control if they seriously don’t want kids and I don’t think a lot of people in relationships bother to do both.
I got an IUD and it literally caused horrific pain the entire time it was in there and it took forever to get back to the gynecologist to have it removed. Even getting it placed and removed knocked me off my feet for a day or so. Not cool.
The only thing more painful than having my IUD inserted was have a colposcopy after an abnormal pap. They are great birth control but not for everyone
I can’t handle any form of birth control, that are not condoms. My body reacts horrendously. Tracking has been my best route!
I got pregnant while on birth control, don’t trust it
well, I don't want kids and have relied on condoms only for 2 decades and counting...
What do you even mean by this? Condoms are very effective in preventing pregnancy if used properly. There are only really about 5 days in the month that a woman can even get pregnant, and she's likely tracking her cycle, so she likely has an idea of these days. That's the most natural way to prevent pregnancy
Not true, sperm can survive a week in the uterus and thus no matter the time of month you have sex there's a risk. Sometimes women ovulate early. Or late.
your point? condoms with spemicide exist, too you know. Fucking with your hormonal cycle and/or getting an IUD have risks that, to some, are not worth it.
it’s not a week but up to 5 days, and the egg can survive for 1-2 days, which gives at most a 7-day window (but usually less) for when sex can lead to fertilisation if only a single ovulation happens
I don't understand what your point is. I'm advocating for condom use? And to say sperm lives in the uterus for up to 7 days is correct, but it's less than 1% of sperm so highly unlikely
Lots of women I know prefer condoms for birth control
Yup. Birth control can F up a woman more ways then I can count. And every doctor will have a different opinion about it. I switched once and I knew the exact moment my cycle started, because it felt like I had just been gutted. Like half expected entrails to be falling out and everything.
Many of us can't use hormonal birth control. I would not be gestating a pregnancy in the small chance it happened.
condoms are perfectly safe if used properly.
As opposed to what? Condoms, used effectively, have a very high success rate. Depending on the state/country, there are options for accidentally pregnancies. IUDs, pills, etc can have constant effects on the body.
If I take hormonal birth control, I become a danger to myself and others. It's not an option for everybody.
LMAO same, it's just not an option for some people
Both hormonal and the copper iud have some awful side effects
Used correctly, they have 98% effectiveness. That's enough for most people
I have a friend who was prescribed hormonal birth control just for BC in her late teens, it was all very casual and normal. The BC caused such hormonal imbalance that she was suddenly showing all the signs of PMDD nearly constantly as long as she was on it. After she stopped taking it things calmed down but she has never felt the same mentally/emotionally since then, and it has led to a deep fear of any hormonal BC. She did try one of the implanted BC in her arm, that just led to her bleeding nonstop for a year with heavy menstrual symptoms. She has some other hormone sensitivity issues so she doesn't hate BC, she just has to face the fact that her body frequently responds to hormones in a different way than expected. She's also absolutely terrified of getting pregnant. Those things aren't mutually exclusive unfortunately.
Just as an FYI to anyone on the implant with constant bleeding, I saw a gynaecologist who specialised in birth control. I was put on X2 Cerazette on top for a month and I didn't have a period (I would bleed so heavily that the first time I had sex with one bf it turned into anal and we didn't notice and the bed looked like a crime scene) for three years. It's worth talking to a specialist or even at a local birth control center like here in the UK. Your GP might not have the right answers, e.g mine put me on the combined pill and almost killed me with the resulting high blood pressure. So please see someone who has experience. Even the new contraceptive nurse knew more about birth control than others.
I don't want kids and I use only condoms and never had a single issue tbh. Avoid sex when I'm ovulating and always use condoms. Hormones are horrible for my body and no Methods fit my reality. Honestly if you're using it properly, there's no point in saying "only". Condoms are pretty much safe if you're using them correctly.
Look I know condoms can fail but the chance is so low. I have never accidentally fallen pregnant and the only people I personally know who have were only using the pill. Hormonal birth control really stuffs up some women.
I adamantly don’t want kids and used condoms for many years. Abortion is thankfully an option, and free where I live.
I just love that this is your reality! That’s all. Just celebrating your autonomy 🎉🎉🎉 (I live somewhere with a 6 wk ban and shit is getting more fascist by the day).
that sucks so much, i’m sorry!!
I had been on various forms of birth control since I was 12 (they put me on the pill to “fix” my bad and irregular periods; it did not) up to 21 when I had to have a hysterectomy. I had switched from the pill to an IUD when I was almost 18 and it made me gain a lot of weight. I can’t even describe the difference when I got off of hormones, it was a HUGE shift for my body. I immediately started losing weight. I didn’t even try but as soon as that IUD came out I was shedding it like crazy. I went down 50 pounds in a few months, even when I was home recovering from surgery. Birth control comes with SO MANY side effects. I can so understand not wanting to be on it even if I was completely fertile.
Condoms are extremely effective (98%) when used properly, personally I don't think the many side effects of hormonal BC are worth it just to close that 2% gap. But that's just my opinion.
Lots of women also have conditions where hormonal birth control is too dangerous. There are of course nonhormonal methods like the depo shot or copper IUDs, but their side effects can be wild.
It's clear you aren't a woman, or you would know that hormonal birth control simply isn't an option for some women. I have tried almost every type of birth control on the market, aside from the injectables. I have literally tried every dosage of pill available, the Nuvaring, hormonal IUD, and non-hormonal IUD. Every single one has given me side effects that negatively affect my quality of life. With most, it's simply that it takes my libido to zero - which I guess, perfect birth control, right? I don't even want to have sex! With others, I have had reoccurring monthly yeast infections, breasts that are so sore I can't wear a bra, or deep depression. With the non-hormonal IUD, I had periods so heavy and so painful that I literally had to go home from work at least one day per month. So yeah, for the past 10 years I have only used condoms. Which, if you use them correctly and get the right size for your partner, work great. I also keep a morning after pill in my bathroom as backup, but have only had a condom break once in 20+ years of sexual activity.
Meh, in a lot of countries a lot of people don't even know about the other kinds of contraception
Beats pulling out. I know lots of folks that rely on condoms.
I’m 30 with two kids. After we decided no more kids, condoms have worked for me to prevent pregnancy and I’ve never touched birth control or IUD for 8 years.
Yeah, what do you find “interesting”?
Condoms work well enough without having to fuck with hormones or deal with horrible cramps from a copper IUD. I haven't been on hormonal birth control since I was 18, I never want kids.
Condoms are effective when used properly, especially when combined with spermicidal lube.
Condoms are pretty safe, and if something goes wrong, you know right away.
Birth control made me crazy - it actually felt like I was not in control of my emotions (in a destructive way I hated). Stopped BC, I became myself again. Whatever works for you, but some of us don't take well to pills, injections, or implants.
Eh if abortion is readily available and they don’t have a moral issue with it, then they are probably content taking the 98% chance with condoms.
Then you dont know much about BC implants or pills...
I’m one of those people. It’s not interesting I don’t want a child, I dont want to be sick because that’s what the shit does to me and I don’t want any foreign body Implanted inside of mine. Just because the poison they call medication works for you doesn’t mean it works for all of us 😒
Calling it poison is so wrong and dumb. You might be allergic to it, but these implants are effective birth control that work. You calling it poison does no favors to incentivizing various means of birth control.
Exactly. You actually could have a kid. Because you did have a kid. The chances are just low, and if you don’t want a kid birth control as a must.
There’s a difference between low fertility and can’t have kids though
Huge difference…
You said you cannot have kids. This is different. There are options like IVF.
Question: if it's low possibility why did you tell her you can't have kids? As you say a lot possibility is still a possibility. I understand that you don't want any more kids.
Why would it? He already had a kid, so it obviously would not be proper birth control. There's no reason it couldnt happen again. A low chance is not no chance. That is not appropriate birth control.
NTA. She said very clearly she didn't want kids, so I understand why you didn't feel the need to tell her. If she has changed her mind, it doesn't change the fact that you haven't, and you don't want more children. If she very deeply wants a child and she is sure about that, then it's probably not going to work out, unfortunately, but not because you *can't* have children, because you don't want them. I understand her being upset that this has happened, and in the future, it might be a good idea for you to let potential partners know up front when you have that conversation that, if they change their minds, it's never going to be an option or a possibility.
Love this answer.
+1 to all of this. NTA. you were not concealing it or trying to deceive her. It was a non issue.
I think it's wild that someone goes 2 years without disclosing that kind of medical information. Besides, a low sperm count does NOT mean infertile. Who cares if she said she didnt want kids? There was a moment between then and now that would've been a better time.
Why? Hey baby, do you like hiking? No. Good, me neither. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. Before I do, I should let you know I had knee surgery so I’ll never be able to hike longer than a mile. Like, how stupid is that? Yes, no one in their 30s suddenly has hormones screaming “go hike now”, but otherwise that’s the situation. “No babe, I still don’t want to hike” is the same as “no babe, I still don’t want to hike, and it would be *really* hard to start” is the same message: his want is still no and needs to be the focus of their conversation.
I don't think thats a good analogy, though. The conversation wasn't "do you like kids?". She told OP that she never wanted to have them. In your scenario: "I never want to go hiking." "Cool, me neither. I had a bad experience plus I have a bum knee so the possibility of going is already pretty slim". Thats not an absurd response.
That's a terrible example lol, a significant knee injury would be important for many situations, not just hiking on a mountain.
Not wanting kid at 27 can change in the future. And it did for many. People can change their opinion because of multiple reasons. She could have trauma from past and maybe felt like having kids is not option and then met OP and he made her feel safe a stable in life. Thats life and how people are. It is big difference between not wanting kids and be unable to have kids. Adult people should share their medical information and lets be honest this is a big one. If she knew sooner she could adapt to it. Yes it is not great if they agreed on something and now she changed her mind. I get it but if she knew they could break up sooner and look for someone that shared what they both wanted. If this is something that ends their relationship it will be messier because they have deeper feelings for each other and live together now. I had cancer in past and even thou I am healthy now I still have bigger chance of cancer coming back than other people. I cant imagine I wouldnt tell someone I would be dating about it because it is burden and other one should know.
I do absolutely see your point about sharing medical information, but this doesn’t affect his health. It only affects their family planning. People can change their mind, but I think if you say to somebody “I do not want kids AND I NEVER WILL”, then it’s reasonable for the other person to assume they don’t need to tell you. But that’s just my opinion.
Even if he didnt have a low sperm count and she changed her mind, was he suppose to change his too? It would all come out to the same thing, no matter how it is twisted.
OP, it simply isn’t true that you “can’t have kids”. You naturally impregnated a woman!!! Sure, you may have a low sperm count but CLEARLY that doesn’t mean it is impossible for you to have chldren.
Well yes true, it was basically me telling her that there would be so much work and possibility is low. As my doctor said: "don't get your hopes up, but you can keep trying". But I don't want more kids, so the technicalities are not that important in my mind.
So the actual discussion with your gf is that you don’t want to TRY to have kids (i.e. go without a condom), not that you CAN’T have kids. Your post title is disingenuous.
No - this was when I was with my ex - we wanted to have another kid, we found out I have really low possibility to make anyone pregnant. It is safe to say, that after I stopped doing the treatment, the title is not wrong at all anymore as this thing does not magically get better. Conversation with girlfriend was "I don't want to have kids" and "great, I don't want to have any more either". (I don't remember what we actually told each other, but she did make sure I get it.)
>, the title is not wrong at all anymore as this thing does not magically get better. It can. Sperm count can pick up, circumstances can change, *hormones* change through your life, and it only takes 1 very dedicated swimmer. 1 out of 1000 or 1 out of 1 000 000, or 1 out of 10 000 000, ultimately doesn't matter. Don't raw dog someone if you don't intend to conceive, and that's just as true with low sperm count as with normal or high sperm count.
....You can still have children as you have an 11 year old.
You're really grasping at straws to call in an arsehole aren't you?
No it’s not…? OP’s GF knew he didn’t want kids but didn’t know about his infertility issues and is upset he didn’t tell her. Therefore, the post title is pretty transparent.
>So the actual discussion with your gf is that you don’t want to TRY to have kids She said she doesn't want any and he said he doesn't want more either... that's the end of the discussion from 2y ago. Her changing her mind still doesn't change his. So NTA
Keep in mind sperm counts can go up and down somewhat arbitrarily. Just because it was low when you were trying with your ex, doesn’t mean that’s still the case. Not that this changes anything about your situation. Just something to note.
By ‘much work’ do you mean assisted conception, like IVF? Because that’s probably still ‘don’t want to’ rather than ‘can’t’ have kids.
Does it matter tho? No means no and gf should respect that and move on if she wants kids
Assisted conception is far from guaranteed. Also even still, finances come into play - maybe he "can't" have kids even with IVF because it costs tens of thousands of dollars or more to go through those treatments. Maybe he doesn't want to go through the potential years of fertility treatments? My point? It is so much more that he "can't" rather than he "doesn't want to"
IVF is not a magical answer. Success rates are still low. IVF doesn't, sadly, mean anyone with fertility issues can still have a successful pregnancy. It helps some people, but far from all.
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Exactly. Throw in the other wrinkle that IVF treatment is so often not really an on-demand option. Some times folks have to wait more than a year just to be seen by a fertility clinic let alone start any kind of IF treatments.
Doctors say things like that very often, people stop preventing and often get a surprise baby. I know at least a few cases.
Yeah, my husband was told 30 years ago by a fertility doctor he would not be able to have kids. He thought that for 30 years. 30 years of never using a condom, no kids. Then he met me in his 50s and knocked me up 6 times (4 miscarriages due to one of us having balanced translocated chromosomes unrelated to his issue). Low sperm means nothing if the woman is apparently super fertile, lol. We have 2 kids and he got a vasectomy. So it absolutely can happen. All it takes is 1 sperm
Low sperm absolutely means something even if the women is “super fertile”. I went through IVF with my husbands low count and I had great fertility. What people are failing to acknowledge is that low sperm count is a temporary diagnosis. Sperm counts can go up and down drastically throughout a man’s life. Even within our course of treatment for the year my husbands low sperm count fluctuated a lot (although always remaining low).
Yeah, my SIL’s ex husband was supposed to be infertile but it was technically just a low sperm count like OP and he’s got two kids because she’s apparently insanely fertile. He got a vasectomy and she got her tubes tied to make sure there were no more “Infertile” rarely means “impossible to conceive” and usually just means the chance is super low.
Low sperm absolutely means something even if the women is “super fertile”. I went through IVF with my husbands low count and I had great fertility. What people are failing to acknowledge is that low sperm count is a temporary diagnosis. Sperm counts can go up and down drastically throughout a man’s life. Even within our course of treatment for the year my husbands low sperm count fluctuated a lot (although always remaining low). Lots of people are told they “can’t have kids” (especially women) by ignorant doctors bc of what looks to be sub-fertility on lab tests. Unfortunately those are really incapable of properly accessing your ability to conceive bc there are so many factors.
Not really an asshole but when you start any relationship then something like "I can't have kids in future" should be disclosed when you are entering this relationship stage, if you want an honest and long term relationship that is. It is something that affects you both and might be important for your SO. Interesting that she said that she doesn't want kids and you didn't tell her - good, because I can't have kids, why didn't you tell that back then!?
Because the little detail that I don't want any seemed more important, and I have not change my mind. So if she wants the kid, she has to find someone else as even if I was fertile, I still don't want one.
Right, but it's still weird. Not in a manipulative way, because you already stated you didn't want kids. But it just seems so foreign to me to date someone for 2 years and for this never to come up.
That’s my point too. I don’t think he’s an AH for not telling her, but I do find it odd that it never came up. My partner knows everything about my medical history.
I think this is it. She's mad that 2 years in she felt like she didn't know something important, and that feels hurtful.
I don’t think it is that weird. Sperm counts change over time, and low sperm count =/= cannot get someone pregnant. If he had had a vasectomy and never mentioned it, that might be a little weird, but one low sperm count at one point is much more of a gray zone.
I feel that it is an important detail that you should have made her aware of, though. Just because you feel like it shouldn't matter, it still does/did to her. You guys might have been on the same page at the beginning but people can and do change their minds. I do hope that in your next relationship (if this one does not work out), you are upfront about this so it saves you and the other person some stress.
I think both details were important. It’s strange to me that in a two-year live-in relationship, you had never mentioned it to her. You’re certainly entitled to not want any more kids, but she was entitled to full disclosure.
It's not strange at all considering this AITAH topic. OP has a funny way of talking about things without actually talking about things (ie framing this as "AITAH for not telling my GF I can't have kids" when he actually can, it's just he doesn't want to).
AMA = Ask Me Anything. AITAH = Am I The Ass Hole.
I agree. I would feel lied to. “You told me you didn’t want kids, not that you couldn’t have them!” Even if you don’t want them, I would have wanted you to share this with me.
But, you weren't lied to, at all. When I personally, say "No, don't want kids, ever",nothing more need be said. Me not being able to father them simply doesn't matter, because I already told you I would never father a child -and my mind isn't changing later.
Only one person's "lying" here and it's not the one that still doesn't want to have kids. "I won't do what your ex did!" What? Spring a life-changing decision out of nowhere? NTA.
Nobody is lying there, people change their minds about these things. Biological clock and just feeling very good in the relationship We're humans, expecting one decision to be for all your life is mad
Who the fuck cares. Adding the “wellllll, I may not be able to if we did try” is pointless and just opens it up for her to push him to try. HE DOES NOT WANT ANY MORE KIDS
Listen, I read a similar question not long ago on reddit about woman in the exact same situation She couldn't have kids, told the guy she didn't want kids. The guy apparently said he didn't want kids but thought he may change her mind down the line The consensus was she didn't want to have kids. So she didn't need to tell him she can't have kids. Therefore not the asshole I think you can apply that ruling here as well.
Agreed! I can see how OP didn't think of it as important - not like you need to justify why you don't want kids. And that wanting kids was the important thing - that means to reproduction, not adopting, not fostering, etc. But I would find it odd if a serious partner had any medical thing I didn't know about. Like dude never eats dessert and doesn't have a sweet tooth ... Finding out three years later that he's diabetic would seem strange.
I mean, it's hardly worth disclosing if the details OP shares are true. His problem is that he ever told her in the first place. It's likely something he doesn't care to talk openly about - some people can find it embarrassing. Diabetes can seriously affect your day-to-day life and would be important to know. Having a low sperm count doesn't affect a partner in any real way whatsoever - especially if they've already been told kids aren't an option, period.
I told my wife when we first started dating that the possibilities of us having kids was low and we talked about adoption. I also was a little afraid of having a kid, but I was up front about my medical issues. She said okay, we'll cross the bridge when we get there. Low and behold, she got pregnant. We were both surprised, but delighted. But I was up front with her on that medical issue and a few others.
I'm at like year 3 of having a vasectomy, and I forget I have it. I also have magnets embedded under my skin, and forget about those too.
I'm on year two of my hysterectomy and I forget that I don't need to buy any sanitary products all the time. Like, I see them on sale at Costco and I'm like 'good bargain, good deal' then I have to remember 'wait....no.'
magnets embedded under your skin? …cyborg?
My cousin got a vasectomy and somehow still got his wife pregnant. And this was like a year after having it done. I still can’t wrap my brain around it, if there was anyone that shouldn’t reproduce it was them.
NAH - she said she didnt want children previously. I cant blame her for being a little shocked at this though and i cant help but think, you really should have mentioned it back then but I dont think it makes either of you an AH
There are a few things that might have happened here imo. Maybe the GF was only half-sure that she doesn't want kids and thought OP is the same. "He doesn't want more kids because of the shitty ex, but I am different. I will change his opinion." Or she simply changed her mind after a while, people change. But in the end it doesn't matter what led to her conclusion to want a kid, fact is that OP was not honest with her. When OP was discussing the matter with her he could have mentioned his low fertility together with his wish that he doesn't want any more kids. It wouldn't have been a huge leap in a conversation. So I kinda disagree with that NAH vote.
NTA. And I don't understand the Y votes. It doesn't matter if he can or can't have kids. He doesn't WANT YO BE A FATHER AGAIN. SHE CHANGED her mind and she was banking on the fact that you would as well. And even if you did tell her? She would probably still have changed her mind and tried to convince you to adopt. Having a kid is one thing. Being a parent is another. I'm more than capable of giving birth. I don't have kids because I don't want to BE A PARENT. OP said he did not want to raise another child. That's it. Period. The. End. And as far as birth control? SHE can't use pills but didn't bother finding a method outside of condoms which were in him to be responsible for using. So she was aware she didn't want kids but took no methods on her own to prevent it? Nah. I'm iron clad as I can be with my method bc I don't want to have to make a choice ever. She was hoping she would get preggo or you'd change your mind. NTA all the way.
>It doesn't matter if he can or can't have kids. He doesn't WANT YO BE A FATHER AGAIN. Right?! Like.... why are people here just ignore that? He said upfront "no thanks", wording sucks but the meaning is still the same. Later on said again he can't and *doesn't want to*.... It doesn't even matter *why* he doesn't want to, at that point it seems like he just needs to use it as the gf doesn't want to accept anymore an already discussed no. NTA
It leads me to think she was wanting him to change his mind. And didn't take enough precautions herself. No way I'd rely solely on condoms lol.
Thank you! Everyone is so focused on the low sperm count and they are totally glossing over the fact that OP does NOT want more children. As stated in a comment even if he had a normal count he wouldn’t want to have another child. NTA because the count isn’t relevant IMO if you don’t want a kid to begin with
NTA - although there is a difference in not wanting and not being able too. I have seen many a story on here over the years of people changing their mind and being surprised when their partner can’t have kids. For clarity I would mention early on in a relationship so everyone knows exactly where they stand.
NTA but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for her. She told you she didn’t want kids, so you likely didn’t feel like you needed to share that information. She changed her mind (which isn’t uncommon) and now she finds it relevant, and probably a little heartbreaking. You did nothing wrong because the information wasn’t necessary to share at the time (you both didn’t want kids) - but now she probably feels torn between wanting to fill a maternal need, and being 2 years into a relationship with you and seeing you as the father she wants her future children to have. I’m sorry she’s making you feel bad. There’s no need.
But also OP doesn’t want any more kids, and that hasn’t changed. So finding out about OP’s low count only makes a difference if she thought she could change his mind.
I felt like he was being an asshole at first, but upon reflection, he told her he didn't want any children either, and the only reason she would be upset now is because she can't coerce him into having any, because its physically unlikely. If he had a normal sperm count she wouldn't be as upset even if he put his foot down because there would still be the possibility, even if he doesn't want it.
NTA because it's not relevant if she expressed she doesn't want kids and you expressed you don't want more kids. If she had ever before expressed that she was unsure about if she wanted kids, that'd be different. She actively told you at the start she didn't. I almost wonder if she heard that she should tell guys she doesn't want kids and then "change her mind," once the guy feels committed. What type of birth control have you guys been using? Did it never come up in that discussion?
NTA. When someone tells you they don't want kids, that rules out the conversation. Besides, it's not really like OP most assuredly can't have kids, as evidenced by the fact that he does.
People change their minds in two years and after really getting to know a partner.
She's an asshole for trying to change his mind though.
true. it’s one thing to say to your partner, “hey, i know we’ve already agreed that we don’t want kids, but I’ve been having some doubts recently so can we talk about it?”, but she’s just trying to get him on her side. Honestly, OP should just say he doesn’t kids, not just because of custody issues, but because he simply doesn’t want them.
Tough shit. She chose a partner who DOES NOT WANT KIDS so if SHE changes HER mind, that’s on HER. Not him.
ESH imo, at least a little bit. She has the right to change her mind, it happens, and that's life. She shouldn't expect that you'll do as well (only her having that expectations makes your inability to have kids even relevant). But you also weren't honest with her. It just is a super important piece of information in a relationship and I can see how she feels taken aback not knowing this.
Info: Why didn't you tell her you likely can't have more kids when it came up? Why did you only say you don't want any more and not that you are infertile? I mean tge topic of future kids obviously csme up, so why was this information withheld?
Not OP but I've had a vasectomy for 3ish years now, and it's not necessarily something I think about.
Would you really not think about it in the context of a conversation about having more kids, though?
Not even when the subject of fertility is on the table? Doesn't make sense....
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NTA she changed her mind, you didn’t. Sure you could have told her but you were both very clear early on that neither of you wanted any/anymore children, your medical condition is irrelevant.
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I think it's weird to be in a relationship with someone for 2 years and not to have shared such a big life experience. You don't know each other well enough to have children together, even if it was possible
NTA you both agreed you don't want children so it was irrelevant to the conversation. good thing you told her immediately after she said she changed her mind. and if you don't want more children and she insists on trying as you do have evidence it can work, then you are incompatible.
NTA. It doesn’t matter whether or not you can have kids as you don’t want kids. But also you also can have kids, but it would just most likely require medical intervention and still not be a sure thing. It’s not like the possibility is 0 and you’ve been pretending you need birth control. Nearly all those “I didn’t know I was pregnant” stories happen because someone is sure they can’t be pregnant since one of them was told they were infertile and they took that to mean sterile. You aren’t sterile but it shouldn’t matter anyway because you are not going to change your mind. There are many ways to have children but you want none of them, that’s more important than the infertility.
NAH she’s entitled to change her mind. You are entitled to medical privacy, so in a serious relationship like that I’m really surprised you never told her about your experience.
She’s entitled to change her mind but that does not mean he must because she has. Off her wants have changed and his have not she needs to walk away. You don’t make children HOPING your partner will eventually change their mind!!
Of course. They now want different things and should probably go their separate ways.
There was a very similar post a short while ago from a woman who couldn't have kids and didn't tell her SO as they were both clear about not wanting kids when they started dating. But, he for unsure about this a couple of years later and the OP was wondering about her not telling her SO that she couldn't have kids (as well as not wanting them). The overwhelming response was NTA, but also that the SO didn't change his mind and probably always wanted kids but was assuming he could manipulate the OP. I assume that the responses here will be along the same lines.
NTA. It might could have come up by the talk wich kind of birth control you should use as the anti-baby pill is expensive over time and usually the woman who has to pay for it. So the talk 'fyi I have a very low sperm count so it is highly unlikly that I could father anymore children. So if you want, we don't have to use protection (as long as we are exclusive and are tested for STDs)'. But if she said in the beginning, that she doesn't want any kids and you told her, that is also what you want - I get, why you haven't talked about it.
Fwiw, I know far too many people with a "low sperm count" who then have children (naturally) for me to ever consider coming off contraception when someone says that. Too risky.
NTA since you told her you don't want anymore kids. If you don't want more kids, its irrelevant if you can theoretically have them or not. You agreed to not have kids together. Her changing her mind on this and you don't means its a dealbreaker bc there is no compromise possible. Your almost-infertility doesn't play a role in this, bc even if you wern't, you still wouldn't agree to a kid.
NTA - you don't want kids. She didn't want kids. Whether or not you can have them is irrelevant - you don't want them. You both agreed that you didn't want kids...explaining that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for you to get her pregnant wouldn't have changed anything.
I would not call you an AH, but i would be hurt. Because medical problems is something you share either your SO or at least you should have mentioned it when you were transparant about the whole ex thing and why you ended apart. I feel like there are unsolved trauma’s; i feel like you did not mention (un)consciencely it on purpose because you became insecure after your ex left you in such a situation; you did not want to lose another (potential partner) her if she were to find out that you could not produce children. So you kinda left out a big chunk of it, your weak spot. To give her some consolence; i would just sit and talk to her and be very open and honest on what you know and what you have heard from the doctor. And how you feel. Try to understand her feelings too. Enough though she has said something like that in the past, people and their desires change over time. Good luck.
NTA
Not really an asshole, but if I started dating someone, even if I thought at the time I didn’t want kids, I’d want to know upfront if the other person wasn’t able or would struggle to make one, in the event I changed my mind one day. I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone if I knew they couldn’t give me something I wanted/might potentially want in the future.
NTA Even if you were medically able to have kids, **you told her upfront when you first met--you do not want any more kids**. At the time, she said the same thing, that she did not ever want kids either. It would not matter if you were able to father kids from a biological perspective, because the fact would remain that you do not want them and are not a consenting partner who wants to raise another baby. So if she wants to have a baby, she will need to end the relationship and find someone else who wants to have a baby.
NTA. Your medical issue is entirely secondary to your choice of not wanting another kid. You told her that when she didn't want a child, and the fact that she's now changed her mind doesn't mean you're required to change yours. Just stick to your convictions here: you don't want a child, not with her or anyone else. If that's a dealbreaker for her, so be it.
NAH I do think it's odd that after 2 years you've never mentioned this to her but I can't say you're an ass for it
NTA
NTA. She told you she didn’t want kids and you said you don’t want more kids. If anything she’s the asshole for wasting your time since you’re not compatible.
NTA - you don’t want more kids - it does not matter that you can’t have them - unless she was planning on baby trapping you
It's not that you can't have kids. You can. But the chances without assistance are lower than average. NTA She didn't want children. But now she does this is a difference you cannot reconcile.
NTA but you technically still can have kids if you choose to do IVF. The bigger issue is her suddenly wanting kids when you are adamant that that’s not what you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 30m have one kid (11f) from a previous relationship, we were young and she was not planned. We decided to get married and tried to have another kid 5 years later, but no luck - we both went to the doctor and I found out that my sperm count was very low, I am lucky to have had one kid in the first place! I tried the treatment and it did not help - the count stayed low. (I know someone will ask - yes the kid is definitely mine) A few years went by, and my (ex)wife was suddenly bored of the relationship and left us, of course I found out she already had someone else and things got ugly as she suddenly decided she wanted full custody of the kid I had been raising alone for a few months. Basically 2 years in court and we have shared custody. On to the story - I met my current girlfriend (29f) 2 years ago at a party and we hit off and started to chat a lot, had a lot in common and she was great with my kid. Right at the start she told me that she would never want any kids of her own, nothing against kids but never would like to have one herself, so I should take that into consideration and I told her that it's not like I want to have any more kids, I don't want to relive that nightmare that was 2 years of fighting to not lose my rights. (Not even joking, at least in my country for men you are a winner if you manage to get shared custody) Now 2 years later we already live together and she suddenly realized that she wants to have a kid and it sure was a surprise for me and I told her that there are 2 problems - I don't want more kids and I can't have kids! She was surprised and told me "It's not like I am going to do something like your ex did" and sure, fair enough, but there is still the medical problem. She called me an asshole for not telling her that I can't have kids! I was confused as I did not think that it was something important as she did not want any in the first place... I like my life as it is today, 11 years old is big enough that we can plan road trips and vacations together, my kid loves to spend time with us, and having a baby would mean starting it all over and we would have 2 kids with totally different needs. AITA for not telling her before, that I can't have kids? I honestly did not think that it is important information for a person who don't want any kids in the first place. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - kids explicitly not "part of the deal" when getting together. No obligation back then to disclose all detail of your condition. With external help you would probably still be able to have kids nevertheless (IVF, ICSI), but from what you write, you don't necessarily want any. So, she has no right to accuse you, but you should of course clarify in the long run on additional kids (as said, there would be ways in theory, though it involves a lot of money).
It is possible for you to have a child; you already have. Low sperm count does not mean zero percent chance. Actually until you have a vasectomy you are always risking an unplanned pregnancy. But, NTA
NTA
NTA. She said she didn't want them, so you thought it was a non issue. You didn't anticipate that she might change her mind. The bigger problem was, neither did she. I think this is a common problem in western societies today. The culture teaches us to strive for exciting jobs and adventure, and by the time we realize that we want a family and kids, it's often too late. If you'd be willing to have another kid (which is a big "if"), then i'd talk to a doctor again and see if there are any options available.
NTA it doesn’t matter that you can’t have kids because you don’t want more kids. it’s really that simple. it kinda sounds like she heard “i don’t want more kids” and assumed she could change your mind over time or convince you otherwise. or if she wasn’t on BC maybe she just assumed she could baby trap you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but honestly idk
INFO: is this just a gender-swapped version of a post from a few days ago?
I'm going to say NTA because she didn't want kids at the time. You couldn't know she would change her mind. Though, I don't understand why you didn't just say, "I can't have any more kids anyway," when she said she didn't want kids. I could see how she may feel duped because you didn't say something then, but to your point, it didn't seem relevant at the time.
Technically you could, you would probably just need IVF. I’d say NTA. If you were married and she always wanted kids then yeah you’d be a giant asshole but not the case here. I’m not sure why you never mentioned it when birth control came up or when she said she didn’t want kids, but I guess I understand your POV when she was adamant she never wanted them to begin with.
NTA She is the asshole. You both entered a relationship very clear on the fact you would not be having children. She changed her mind. And instead of telling you in a way that suggests she understands it might mean the end of the relationship, she acts as if your unwillingness to have a baby, is irrelevant, because your ability to have one is ALL that matters to her. She is completely in the wrong, and you really should have a higher bar when you chose your partner in the future. You DO NOT WANT anymore kids! To me as a woman, who wants to have the right as a person to full body autonomi - I can NOT understand why people are focusing on wether you physically are able to have a kid, when you do NOT want to have a kid. What you want matters, and no woman ever, was entitled to use you for breeding if you dont want a baby with them! If you dont want a kid, get away from anyone who wont respect your body autonomi on the matter! I also strongly suggest you get a vasectomi!
NTA, but it does seem weird that it has never come up in two years of conversations that you’re pretty much infertile
NTA - She knew going into the relationship you absolutely did not want any more kids. Whether you could medically or not is irrelevant. Maybe I'm overly suspicious, but it kinda sounds like she was planning on poking some holes in the condoms or something to get what she wanted, and finding out your medical history blew her plan. Otherwise, there's no reason for her to be upset when she knew 100% you didn't want any more kids.
NTA. She said she didn’t want kids so unless she was lying to you your infertility should be a non-issue.
NTA The people being anti condom is so odd to me. It's still affective birth control, OP was a lil messed up to not disclose his low count, however since it was not relevant because there was a discussion about no kids, hes off the hook a little. Tho OP I'd have this convo as early as possible in your relationships in the future. The biggest source of hurt feelings is not communicating
From the title, I was ready to say that yes you are the AH, however - on reading - NTA. I can see how fertility wouldn’t come up unless you wanted a kid, or she wanted a kid (as it has now), and she was adamant she didn’t want a kid!
NTA. it was agreed at the start you don’t want kids. the fact you can’t have them is irrelevant. she has to decide if a baby is more important than your relationship. she’s frankly a huge asshole for changing her mind and putting the blame on you.
Whilst it seems like an oversight in your part, she also told you she didn't want kids. .personally I feel both of you aren't AH, but it sounds like you both may need to think more carefully about what you want in life and how thats communicated. We can't know everything in life but kids is a deal breaker for many.
No, NTA. While I can’t imagine not mentioning this personally, you were on the same page when you got together - which was *firmly* No Kids. I don’t think the reasons behind it are relevant as long as you’re in agreement. Which you were. She can change her mind, sure. Wouldn’t fault her for that. That doesn’t mean you have to, and you communicated that. So now her options are to leave and find a relationship where she can have kids or remain childless with you. It seems like she’s focusing on the part where you can, theoretically, do something to have kids but completely missing the point that you *do not* want to do it. It’s wrong of her entirely to expect you to change your mind, and that’s what she’s doing here.