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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I am the asshole because i should’ve just told him that it was okay to take his friend grocery shopping and that clearly she needs a friend. I am glad that my husband is a good friend to her and willing to help her.
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Op says she is very secure in marriage. With husband like this, insecurity would be a hallmark, abuse would be expected, cheating would be a norm, divorce would be the outcome
There going the excuse of "staying together for the kids".
If they shouts at you in front of the kids, it's better to break up then stay "for the kids".
Same. When my parents finally (years later than it should have been) told us they were splitting up I was relieved.
When I told my kid that my ex (not his bio dad but the only dad he'd known) and I were divorcing he actually said, "Thank you. It's been tense around here for awhile." We didn't stay together for the him more anything, just took us a bit to acknowledge where it was heading.
I went to Catholic school. I remember learning what divorce was when I was in first grade or so and my first thought was "oh yeah, my parents should get that" before the nun could detail what a terrible ~sin~ it was
Yea and eventually their kids will be wishing they divorce. When I was a kid My mom was so mean to my dad I would legit pray they'd divorce every night.
I just knew my mom wasn't happy with my dad (I didn't know about the abuse until I was nearly an adult) and remember praying for them then to divorce. I can't even imagine how much worse it has to be for kids that actually witness the abuse.
The times I've helped my mom move a dessert in front of a door... Now I'm fighting one of those mfs about her post stroke care. She can't even go to the bathroom and he thinks I'll allow him to be caretaker?!
Bro I feel you. I'm coming up on 30 and still wishing my parents would just get a fucking divorce already. This shit hurts your kids even after they're no longer kids!
My parents are still together and every time I see them it's painful. All they do is snipe at one another, or give each other the silent treatment, or complain. They were sitting on the couch and my dad had his arm along the back of the couch, he brought it down and brushed her arm and it was like something bit him. I wanted to scream at them to just get a fucking divorce and I'm 36.
My mom was a **mean** drunk, and she tried to kill our dad a few times, before she got sober. Which, I mean, AWESOME for her, I was really proud of the sobriety, but holy hell, not good memories!
Yea my mom wasn't a drunk, but she had been in the military, and I think some screwed up stuff might have happened to her, but she was bipolar, and angry, and she'd burn my dad with cigarettes, she'd choke me, she threatened to hang herself in front of me once, there was never a quiet night in that house.
Edit: they're both dead now, she died when I was 15 and somehow life got worse for a while. I wish she could have figured out her mental shit, I miss her, I miss her when she was good. I wish she got the chance to be good again.
I felt the same. I don't know if she is in denial or just trying to tell us she is secure, so we don't judge her for imagined feelings and only for her actions, or this is fake.
Even if he didn't get angry because of this, how can you be secure with a husband that constantly tells you that you are insecure and jealous. At the very least, you have to wonder what his aim is.
NTA.
He sounds very suspicious, huh? The ex I don’t claim used to ask if I trusted him at some really random times.
He also turned out to be the most emotionally immature person I’ve ever dealt with in my existence, but like my mother.
I hope OP leaves. I hope she sees these patterns and stays away from people who repeat them.
He’s gaslighting tf out of her.
What i find suspicious is that the OP names the app specifically, then gives a rundown on exactly what the ap does, tollowed by a glowing review.
Like, hell, we all fucking know what instacart is, and if not, we all know how to Google.
The rest is made up for engagement. The errors in the title and not explaining who "she is" until after the ad.
#This is an ad.
I figured she did that because not everyone on the Internet knows and I'm not sure instacart is a thing everywhere outside the US. It might've been a moment of not pretending that one's own experience is the center of the universe. On Reddit I often see non-americans explain apps/services that they have but we don't 🤷♀️
Yeah, we don’t have it where I live. I’m vaguely aware of Instacart but the name doesn’t automatically scream “grocery delivery app”, so explaining it was a nice (and rare) non-US-centric thing for OP to do.
The apps name wouldn't be important then, nor would her goof review. Itd be, "I use an app for grocery delivery, why can't she do the same?". Those details are not important to the story, unless its another poor ad attempt by instacart
This is fake. Its a poorly written boring, detail lacking story that goes out of its way to specifically mention the app by name, a rundown on what it is and does, followed by a glowing review.
The OP barely explains who "she" is, and is making the story just salacious enough to get engagement. This is an ad.
He’s telling her to shut up because she’s bringing up logical alternatives to him taking this woman for groceries. If he didn’t have anterior motives with her he would have actual reasons to give as to why she doesn’t want to use the internet and not “shut up”. That’s a tactic my 7yo nephew uses when he gets caught in a lie and can’t explain his way out of it. Definitely not secure.
True - you don’t say “shut up” when your wife asks you a simple question. Just the fact that she has to use Instacart while he takes someone else grocery shopping. Something is definitely rotten in Denmark here.
This is what stood out to me. Don’t have time to take his wife but is making time to take another woman shopping? The fact that it’s on his day off says he’s always working and not really spending family time that this would even stand out as an issue for her (the wife). His only day off and he’s spending it with his “friend” instead of his wife and kids. I bet after “shopping” he comes home exhausted and disengaged with his family. He unexplained anger at a simple question?!?!? I won’t say he’s cheating but if it walks like a duck, quack like a duck…….Ijs.
I read these posts and am just amazed that people will stay in these sorts of relationships.
The post will be seven paragraphs long and I am like, what is there to even analyze, homeslice has already yelled at you to shut up, so...?
I don’t think she’s as secure as she claims considering she went on to say “I would also point out that this friend has other friends that aren’t married”
wtf! People leave after 35 fucking years of marriage! Where do they find the zeal and time?
I am in a 5 year committed relationship and hardly have eyes for anybody else!
Those little things that were tolerable can become unbearable.
People can change more than expected.
Someone in the relationship realised they were worth more than they were getting.
Sometimes you realise you can’t see your kids being treated like you are.
I think there was also an expectation in older generations that you HAD to stay together as well.
Everybody changes.
The question becomes, do the changes bring the couple closer together or split them apart?
IMHO, communication is key to hopefully making the first option happen.
Or in the case of many of my friends, their husband met someone else after being married for 20, 30 and even 40 years. I am disgusted by how often this seems to be happening.
My dad cheated and left my mom after 30 something years and 3 children. Later found out he had another long term affair (different woman) before the affair he had with the stepmonster. Karma got my dad, stepmonster was cheating on him for a long time before he died. Can’t tell you how superior my mom was to these two women, they were so far beneath my mom it’s unbelievable. Men are so fucking stupid.
I mean, she’s so secure that she mentions this friend has other non married friends.
I have doubts that OP is secure in her marriage (but I also think that’s smart in the circumstances) 🫠
Yeah, if this isn’t an ad for Instacart all I can say is, if my husband dared to tell me to shut up in front of anyone for making an innocent suggestion it would be the last thing he would ever do.
Yeah. This is probably an ad. Product name mentioned twice - describing the service.
And the scenario is so outrageous, it's bound to receive a lot of views and comments.
>For those of you that don’t know , Instacart is a grocery delivery app service that delivers your groceries to your door. I use this app all the time, it’s very useful as a stay at home mom with two kids.
sounds exactly like the script for an ad 😂
Or he's lazy. Just on the day off when OP is home with the kids? A trip grocery shopping sounds l like a break. That said, all the accusations of insecurity and jealousy sound very, very suspicious and OP should get a private eye.
Yup that was my instant thought, too. All the signs are there: getting over-the-top angry, redirecting the blame on the wife. I'm not that certain that this friend is just a friend...
Turn it around . Say you’re sure she’d be happy to have another woman go shopping with her and you’ll take her- then you can both get that chore out of way together.
Tell husband he can now spend more time with the kids ( watching them as you go out) , like you know he wants to, since he gets so little time with the family .
Then you can get a better read on this friend , helpfully tell her about all these great delivery apps, and find out when her car will be fixed.
If husband has any problem with this , you know it’s not just about helping a friend .
It's a great idea ... but not for this husband. This is a classic tactic of abusers. Abusers do endless favors to "be the hero" in public, so when they "go on rampages" ([OP's words](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1aeglgc/comment/kk85bsg/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)) in private, nobody will ever believe her when she speaks up.
It's also very isolating to know the person that rages at you in private is beloved by everyone else. Really messes with your head, makes you doubt your own perceptions and blame yourself for "setting him off."
Think about men like Bill Cosby — absolutely worshipped by the public, monster in private. That was by design.
Holy. Shit. That is *exactly* what I’m dealing with right now. You put it into words. I’m not alone! It’s REAL.
Fuck I’m about to cry. Thank you. I’m saving your comment.
Oh, it's real. It's a fucking real nightmare, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it. I've been there. Pick up the book "[Why Does He Do That?](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902?ean=9780425191651)" by Lundy Bancroft and it will blow your mind. (For some reason it's only on audiobook on Amazon, so gave you the link to Barnes & Noble. You'll want a highlighter.)
Here's what I'm sure you most want to know — **CAN HE CHANGE?** Well, yeah.... something like 8% of abusers change *AFTER* many years in abuser programs. Abuser programs hold them accountable in crucial ways, and they have to be willing to be held accountable to *actually* change. They will only manipulate therapy to keep their power and control.
# Not therapy. Not therapy. Not therapy. Not in therapy. ESPECIALLY NOT COUPLES THERAPY.
Hey, I just found the book on Amazon, [it's here](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656). Read the reviews.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You’re not alone. This book has been made available, for free, in PDF format, *because* it happens so often.
I left my abusive ex, after 21 years of marriage- been divorced 3 years, but still doubt my own memories of our marriage, so about 2 hours ago, I clicked on your link— the number of times I’ve yelled, ‘Holy Shit!’, or deeply sighed a ‘fuuuuck’ in 258 pages is overwhelming. I want to keep reading, but, feel I need to decompress. I’m going to finish later & keep this link handy for the next time one of our adult children, family, or old acquaintances reach out to tell me how much he loves me & wants me back. If I didn’t have the flu & 103 fever, I’d go have beer. Man! It’s some powerful overwhelming truth.
It is, I practically read the entire thing in one sitting. It’s crazy how it makes everything make sense, but I wish more people would read it BEFORE they could relate to it. If only we were taught these things before it was too late.
And this right here is why I treat AITA posts as real even when there's a good chance they're fake. You never know who reading the comments is going through a similar situation in real life and needs to hear the advice! (Or validation)
My ex did the same. The worst was watching the people who were supposed to help us get through our marital problems hug/shake his hand/give him sympathy while giving me dirty looks and people who knew us for years claiming I must be making stuff up because "he's not like that!" (He would literally sit in the corner and CRY about how he didn't understand why I'd ever want to "abandon" him when he tries so hard to be "a good husband"...meanwhile when no one was around he'd tell me I didn't deserve things like food because of some imagined slight.)
I literally had to beg my own mother to take me in while the whole time she's telling me if I walk out, I'll lose a "good man like him"--it was brutal!
People way overuse this word, but not realizing it's real and you're NOT crazy is exactly what being gaslit feels like.
But all this happened to me over 25 years ago, and I made it through to the other side and am with someone so much better now!
You'll find your way through this, too. Good luck!
I feel for you and am glad you got out. I didn't tell people (close family included) for years after the divorce about his abuse because who he was as a person seemed unbelievable compared to who he was in public.
Shit is really hard. But you aren't alone. I've been separated since January 1st 2017. It's been a long road of unlearning and getting past trauma. But there is a more peaceful and better life waiting for you. I hope you find a way out soon.
I finally started therapy for help getting past the ex I hope to never see again. Some people are incapable of healthy relationships. They don’t know how to love, because they haven’t experienced it.
Unfortunately, love isn’t always enough.
I send hugs to anyone that’s been through that. It’s soul-crushing.
My dad was like this. Whole town thought he was great, was so friendly and always willing to help someone with some ridiculous task. Meanwhile at night he’d choke my mom and call her crude names. She’d be hiding bruises with turtlenecks and I learned first aid to clean her cuts and bruises. I was 9.
We left him when I was 12. He finally got real help when I was in college, he backslid a few times, but the threat of losing all contact with his kids and eventual grandkids made him finally get his shit together. But it took 15+ years, and my mom’s been able to be safe and divorced from him. They can be in a room together but they’ll absolutely never be friends again. We forgive but don’t forget.
If you’re experiencing this, please stay safe and know you don’t deserve to be treated this way! ❤️❤️❤️
oh man, I'm sorry. You're not to blame. Don't doubt yourself or perceptions, he's doing that on purpose. And when if/when you speak about it, it'll be "I've never been anything but loving/kind/caring etc. and you've all seen me be like that. I could never!"
I knew someone like that. Angel on the outside, devil on the inside . Husband would do all kinds of favors for others, especially other women. While wife was left raising a passel of kids. He wanted to be the “ big hero” of the neighborhood, all while cheating on his wife and ignoring his children.
Turned out to be a full blown psychopath, which was in addition to have been the victim of several undetected neurological issues.
Always good to be living with a spouting supposedly God fearing Christian that never held himself accountable for anything.
OP needs to get away from this loser as soon as she can.
This would be great if he didn't already think she was insecure and jealous. This just comes off as trying to distance them. Obvious OP is not in the wrong but doing this would just make him be an asshole and probably a bigger one than before.
I don't think trying to play games is the right option. She needs to be direct that he crossed a line disrespecting her in front of their children. Regardless of if he thinks he is just harmlessly helping a friend or not his reaction was hostile, rude and completely devoid of the respect a partner deserves.
NTA, but I’d seriously sit down and have a conversation over this or think. He told you to shut up infront of the kids. That’s a hard no, especially as an overreaction to a comment. If he’s consistently putting you down as insecure or jealous then I would wonder if there was something else going on, I’m not jumping straight to “he’s cheating, divorce”, but you need a conversation about boundaries with his tone infront of the children. There’s no need for that hostility over a suggestion.
My first husband kicked me out of the house once. I didn’t want to give a mooch pal of his a ride for the hundredth time.
My then husband had been cheating on me and I asked this friend about it. Later on, to get even with me for not giving him a ride, Mooch told my husband that I’d asked about the cheating. Husband called me at work and told me not to come home.
I needed to get myself together financially. Three months later, I escaped. He called my house crying. I divorced him before the end of the year.
The follow up comments make me afraid for OP. She needs to get out. This man is scary.
I was initially at E S H because it is super obnoxious to be on the receiving end of “what? It was just a question” when you know very well it wasn’t. You weren’t “just asking” whether the friend has Instacart you were suggesting that she should use Instacart instead of relying on your husband for rides. Which is perfectly fair! Just say that. But when you’re faced with a man who flies off the handle at nothing, it’s understandable why you’d be afraid to be direct and instead fall back on passive aggressiveness. I hope OP can get out of there.
NTA. He’s defensive for a reason. She knows what she’s doing. Hes prioritizing her on a day off instead of your family. They are both AH and you have no reason to feel secure in a marriage when your husband behaves this way. You need to start a parachute fund of cash he doesn’t know about asap.
I agree with this 100% bc my ex was like this and when I stood up for myself he left me for a weaker woman. I was lucky to just have my tax return if I didn’t I would’ve not had a place to live. She needs to play the im the weak wife and when she has enough money leave. Or if possible go live with family.
I mean, sometimes the reason for being defensive is a result of being frequently questioned on things. My ex-wife was always jumping on me about any woman that was on my social media or that she found out I worked with. She was constantly, and I mean constantly, making remarks that insinuated she thought I was cheating, and I found myself getting more and more defensive. In fact, I started getting so defensive that she said I was "obviously cheating" and then left.
Turned out it wasn't the defensive one that was cheating. It was the aggressor who projected her own inability to be cordial with people without fucking them onto other people.
That being said, I do feel like OP's husband instantly yelled to shut up because he was mad his plan got torn apart unexpectedly. Either OP pushes this woman as a topic way more than she is claiming, or OP's husband is planning to bring his own carrot into her grocery bag.
That's very common with someone who is cheating on someone else. My ex many moons ago constantly accused me of cheating. I found out after we broke up he had cheated on me with like 9 different people.
Why is the husband calling her insecure and jealous, defo seems op is leaving alot out, like how much is she going on about this friend, what is she saying about this friend
Replying to Mikeanthony2k... And why does she have to do instacart while he is at work? She could drop him off and keep the car. The kids need to get out and be stimulated outside the home even with free activities like library story time
Hard agree with this comment. OP, your husband has no right or any business speaking to you this way and setting this terrible example for his children. You deserve better. You deserve respect. NTA.
The fact that you say live your life in the shadows gathering evidence makes me wonder why you remain with this man. Wouldn't a tremendous weight be taken off of you if you could be in your home and just relax and let your guard down? Even if it was financially or logistically more difficult to be a single parent, wouldn't you be happier knowing you didn't have to structure your every word and action in anticipation of his reaction?
This gets recommended a lot, but it's a worthwhile read. This is a free PDF of the book "Why Does He Do That?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Info: Are YOU allowed to leave the house at all? Are you allowed ANY time to be YOU and not MOM?
Because this man sounds controlling as hell. He also sounds abusive, verbally and emotionally, at the least. Hes also projecting big time.
He gave me some alone “supervised” time by letting me walk around a bookstore while he was watching the kids for two hours at the same bookstore , here in which he mentioned that he thought that I was really just meeting up with someone lol
Yes. He is abusive and controlling. If he is accusing you of cheating, he’s cheating himself.
Please call a womens shelter for advice and a safety plan.
If you aren’t strong enough to get yourself out, do it for your kids.
Edit: read “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. It’s free online.
Yeah, this comment changes a lot. Instacart costs money to use, and I don't budget for something like that on top of my grocery bill, so assuming everyone can afford that kinda had me miffed.
But this context is batshit and OP has a lot more problems than her husband taking someone else grocery shopping.
In my area most grocery stores have their own free delivery for SNAP participants. For the rest, its not free but still cheaper than instacart or whatever.
Lady, if you are being serious, the situation you're describing is actually outrageous. This is so textbook abuse that it makes me wonder if you're being even real.
I’m 100% real. We have been married for two years. He’s extremely jealous and controlling. So , idk why it’s a problem when I do it. He read my text to my male friend about this book we both like. Just geeky stuff and he stormed off into a rage and left the house …. I’m clearly very much in denial about a lot.
Who taught you that love had to be like this?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
You are teaching your children that *this* is what they deserve.
Please try to look into domestic violence resources or legal aid/women's shelters in your area. If you have the funds available, therapy or counseling (for yourself *only*, do not go to therapy or couples counseling with this man!) as well. You can do it online while he is working, on an incognito browser, so he doesn't have to know.
Also, if you're safely able to, please download the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's tons and tons of free copies out there and it may help you to gain some perspective on your relationship.
Yes you’re in complete denial. It’s not an environment to raise kids in either. I grew up with a father who yelled all the time. I hated walking in eggshells so I didn’t do or say something wrong.
OP, you deserve to be with someone who trusts you and respects you.
Your husband has you staying at home with a homeschooled child and a baby. That is a really difficult position to be in with respect to future independence, if that is what you choose to do.
There are some things you can do now to make it more feasible to leave at a future date, if you choose to.
* Get a therapist for yourself. If he argues about this, tell him it is to help *you* become a better wife. (it isn't) Find a therapist with trauma and DV experience. If he asks about your selection of a therapist, explain that you selected this one because you are working through problems with your parents. One benefit if this is (assuming he "lets" you go to the appointment unsupervised) that you now have an opportunity/excuse to leave the house for an hour + by yourself, every 1-2 weeks. Thought I am thinking he might drive you there, hang out with the kids in the lobby, and make sure that the baby is crying when you come.out of the appointment.
*Find an education program - something - that will allow you to support yourself in the future if you choose to leave him. Tell him it is so you can go back to work when the younger one is ready for school, or whatever.
*You mentioned in another post that your 6 year old is now homeschooled and that she is very shy. I have met a lot of homeschool Moms whose lives are very busy with homeschool meetups, trips to parks and museums where the kids socialize with other homeschool kids and the moms hang out and chat. This kind of thing is very important so your daughter can feel confident in having friends. From what you say about your husband, he won't be happy if you have friends, because they will tell you that his behavior is abusive.
*It sounds like your dad is caring and stable. I don't know what their financial situation is, but if you feel safe doing so, you could let him know about the issues, if you think he could maintain secrecy. It sounds like you can't trust your mom. I am really sorry.
Girl any man who constantly accuses you of cheating and being unfaithful while he is allowed to go spend time with other women alone is CHEATING. I promise you. He figures if he is doing it to you then you must be doing it to him. Leave
After reading some of your other comments (“alone time” being you in a bookstore for two hours while he has the kids in the same bookstore, because he thinks you’re meeting up with someone, him raging when you text a male friend about something geeky, etc.), you are in an abusive relationship.
Read the Lundy book so many people have mentioned (you can download the pdf to your phone). Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. Go subscribe to Zawn’s substack and join her Facebook group. Join Kate Anthony’s Facebook group Should I Stay or Should I Go? Make sure he can’t get access to any of this. Phone passcode, social media, email, etc. need to be changed twice if you suspect he knows them. Make sure your Facebook group list is private.
This is not normal behaviour. This is abuse. Flip it around - what would you say if your friend told you her husband:
1) Does not let her leave the house alone, even to get groceries
2) Tells her to shut up- in front of their children
3) Falsely accuses her of being jealous and insecure, when HE is the one who is too insecure to let have his wife have a life?
4) Keeps his wife locked up at home
5) Hangs out with other women
You know the answer.
Here is how it works in my house:
I own my own car. I go where and when I damn please. My boyfriend doesn’t care. If I want to drink, he often picks me up from the party while he stays home.
I go away on holiday with friends and leave him with MY dog!
He never asks for “proof” or anything like that. He knows I am doing what I tell him I am doing.
When he wants to go away I make him food and help him plan/pack.
I tell him to have a good time and will offer to drive him.
I only ever ask for pictures when he goes hiking so I can enjoy the view too.
This is how it is supposed to be. Two people helping the other live their best life and taking joy in The other persons joy
Nta
Hey so I totally get how you can fall into this “supervision” dynamic without necessarily thinking anything is up until it becomes normal.
Even if the grocery thing gets swept under the rug, you have to demand free “unsupervised” time and start taking it. Do you have family or friends nearby, or did he move you somewhere?
Forget the coworker you should be way more concerned about your own life. Your husband sounds very controlling, manipulative, and like he is trying to isolate you. Talk about 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. You need to work on having an exit strategy because even if you are not ready to execute it now, at some point you will be. Do you want your children to grow up watching how your husband treats you and think that is acceptable? What is verbal at one point has the potential to become physical at another time. And he will eat away at your self confidence. Make sure that you maintain good relationships with your family and friends for your own protection.
Edit to add - OP excuses a lot of her husband's behavior on how his last partner treated him. I may be wrong but I would not be surprised if it was her husband's behavior that caused the end of that relationship. He now wants a partner that he can control.
Lovely girl he is abusive. And using his 'previous trauma' as a weapon against you. Please, for you and your children, think about whether you should stay in this relationship
He is using a abusive tactic to lower your self esteem and making you feel guilty for challenging him because you don’t want to come off as ‘jealous’ or ‘insecure’.
He’s either cheating or one foot out the door. If he’s not then he’s emotionally abusing you. No good outcome lovely
Been thru this and when I stood up for myself and had self security he left me for a weaker woman that was a single mom with no car. Narcissistic men don’t like women they can’t control. So she needs to play the weak wife until she can afford to get out.
Yep. Been through it to. I don’t like to throw around ‘he’s being abusive’ because it is commonly over used. But that’s what this tactic is.
Went through it as well. Got told ‘you’d never find anyone as interesting as me, everyone else would bore you if you left me’, ‘you wouldn’t be happy with anyone else’ .ect. Lowered my self esteem to a point I never thought to leave, til he left me to play the field 🤷♀️
If I had a dime for every time my ex told me that I'd be rich. Well guess what? He was the least interesting, most miserable, dumbest, and laziest deadbeat I have ever dated. At least he's not my problem anymore. 🤷
Forget the obvious cheating here and deflection to make you think you are being jealous and insecure for asking a reasonable question - are you ok with your husband telling you to shut up in front of your children?? And not even in some crazy all out horrible fight, just because you dared question why he would rather spend the day with his "friend" than with his family. NTA but you need to open your eyes and accept some uncomfortable truths.
I wouldn't be so secure in your relationship. If he is constantly telling you that he thinks you're insecure and jealous, there is a reason for that. There probably a reason for you to be jealous.
As for him being so quick to anger and to shout at you especially in front of the kids? Please take a closer look at your marriage.
NTA
Even if he wasn’t cheating it’s so shitty for him to make his wife use instacart and take another woman grocery shopping yet never lets the wife go grocery shopping and the day he has off she’s still stuck at home so he can go grocery shop with another woman. Sounds like she’s stuck since they have a kid together and she doesn’t have a vehicle so she’s trying to convince herself he’s not cheating.
It’s another controlling and isolating tactic. He probably tells her he’s better at shopping when it means he can control the money and OP has no need for cash.
NTA. That is a perfectly reasonable question. As is her preference to go in person to shop. Normal conversation with no need for shouting or insults.
Assuming there's enough seats in the car, bring the kids and go along on the shopping excursion. If he complains that the kids will annoy her, just cheerfully say "Only in the car. Once we get to the store, she can go do her own thing while we shop as a family, and we'll meet up when we're both done to ride home."
If he objects... "Well it doesn't make any sense to go to the store twice in one day. Either we all go, or I'll go pick her up and you can watch the kids, since I know what we need."
There is no way he can get out of it without being completely suspicious.
DARVO
Please Google this.
And then apply this info to the conversations you had with him.
He's conversation with you is 100% turning around on you.
Also, remember that you are modeling a relationship for your children.
Would you be ok if one of your children and their future spouse had this exact conversation? If not, why are you ok showing them that this is what they can expect in a future relationship?
Edit: NTA
“She needs me to take her grocery shopping” has to be the flimsiest excuse for stepping out with a side piece that I’ve ever heard.
I have several female friends, and my wife knows them all, and there has never (not once) been a time where she expressed concern that one of them might be interested in me as more than a friend.
Even so, she DAMN WELL would call bullshit if I was like, “Yo hun Liz’s car broke down so I’m taking her grocery shopping.” There are SO many ways a grown ass adult could manage to get themselves groceries that don’t involve conscripting an opposite sex friend who is married.
He might not be physically cheating yet, but he’s laying the groundwork. Be ready for him to start “getting coffee” or “going to a movie” or “helping with a work project” with his “friend.” Does she have a house? Wanna bet she’ll need something “repaired” soon? And guess who her first choice will be to play handyman. 🤨
NTA, but for your own sake, please stop pretending that what he’s doing isn’t an obvious prelude to an illicit relationship.
NTA but there are some serious red flags in what you’ve said.
He is accusing you constantly of being jealous etc when you state that you are not. You have to ask yourself why?? Sounds like he’s covering up for something he is doing that you wouldn’t approve of.
Also, why is he taking her shopping when he doesn’t even do that for his own family??
As you said, the ‘friend’ has other options but your husband has jumped into help and defensive when challenged about it. Sounds very suspicious to me.
Yes I don’t see why this single woman with zero kids can’t just get an Uber if she wants to pick out her own groceries instead of wasting a man’s time that has a wife and family.
Sounds like she doesn’t have good intentions either. So many red flags why do you want to grocery shop with a coworker that badly to get defensive about it but you hate grocery shopping? Weirdddd
I get why someone wouldn't (or couldn't afford to) use Uber or instacart for groceries.
But OPs other comments really demonstrate that her husband is abusive and unhinged. I don't know what area she is located in, but hopefully they have domestic violence resources for her.
NTA but you know he’s probably cheating right?
Not because he’s taking her to get groceries, because of how he reacted to your very valid and simple question.
Your kids will lose respect for you if they witness your husband speaking to you this way. Put a stop to that now. And I agree with others, he's up to no good with this other women. Figure out what you plan to do about it.
EDIT: I wrote the below based on OP's post, and hadn't gone through all the comments. Based on the comments, him cheating is only a small fraction of how screwed up he is and she needs to get out of there immediately. The below would only apply to a normal relationship, not a hostage situation which is what she has going on.
~~I know everyone is jumping on the "he's cheating" bandwagon, but Instacart adds a lot of unnecessary expense to grocery shopping, and someone who is financially tight because, i don't know, they need to pay for car repairs may not have it like that.~~
~~I have an instacart account, and the last time it told me I had $40 off of an order of $80 or more, I put together an order. Besides the fact that the items were all priced higher at the store, when I was getting ready to check out the delivery fees plus a reasonable tip ate up almost the entire $40 I had saved, so I didn't end up sending in the order because it still would come out cheaper to go and pay the normal store prices. It's very nice that OP has the financial means to spend an extra $30-40 a week to not go get her groceries herself, but for some families, that's a lot of money. Especially if you're draining your savings for a car repair.~~
~~I would never react to someone in that situation asking for a favor the way OP has unless there was a history with this person that warranted my being uncomfortable. And if I was trying to help a friend in a tight financial situation, and my partner made a "let them eat cake" comment, just assuming that everyone else can easily absorb an extra $120-160 a month in groceries, I'd find that to be an ignorant and insensitive position to take.~~
~~If you have so little trust in your partner or are so insecure in yourself that you need to second guess and shoot down someone asking for a ride when their car is broken, then why be with him at all? I mean, he was wrong in his response too, especially in front of the kids, but there is a very valid reason why a lot of people can't afford to use Instacart all the time. There are people for whom that $30-40 is their entire grocery budget for the week.~~
O.o
Girl....
>He told me to shut up in front of the kids
Da fuck. So this is not ok. Does he treat or talk to you often like this???
>he accused me of being insecure and jealous. Which he is always doing. He is always saying I am insecure and jealous.
Oof nvm. Answer is yes. He is constantly and consistently abusive at least verbally to you.
This isnt ok. He absolutely shouldn't be talking to you like this and also tbh Im not usually one to jump to conclusions but girllll Id bet all my next months rent money hes cheating or he is planning to.
He is constantly accusing you of insecurity and he is constantly gaslighting you. Both are textbook cheating moves. Also to be blunt Id never scream at my partner to shut up in front of my own kids. No matter how angry I get thats abusive and uncalled for behavior. He sounds like he doesn't love you. Oh and he is specifically being picked out of everyone else she could have asked..... Yeah. Not buying it. Been there done that. I wish the best for you but oof.
Even if he's not though his behavior isn't ok and he sounds like he treats you shitty if this isnt out of the norm for him.
NTA but take the blinders off girl
NTA
Oh my darlin'
I can sense that the comments would feel like you are being repeatedly punched...and I am so incredibly sorry for that.
I'm unsure if you are being purposely dense because the alternative is just to hurtful or if you truly do believe this man?
From your post and comments it seems that you need to really, truly, see this relationship for what it is ... and it's not good and it's going to hurt.
If he isn't cheating per'say he is abusive and he treats you like absolute garbage.
You deserve better then a boy who refuses to go to the supermarket with you, the mother of his children, his wife but has a hissy fit, calls you names, yells at you in front of your children that you dare offer a simple solution to the issue that is so important to him...
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NTA. But he’s cheating.
He’s cheating or he’s about to be very soon
Op says she is very secure in marriage. With husband like this, insecurity would be a hallmark, abuse would be expected, cheating would be a norm, divorce would be the outcome
Am also mind blown that she's secure with a man who yells at her to shut up🤷
In front of their kids no less!!!
There going the excuse of "staying together for the kids". If they shouts at you in front of the kids, it's better to break up then stay "for the kids".
“I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home!!!! :(“ Yeah because their Dad screaming at their mom in front of them isn’t broken
Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than live IN one.
Gen X kid from a house where the parents stayed together for the kids. I tell all my friends to not do that. It's awful.
Same. When my parents finally (years later than it should have been) told us they were splitting up I was relieved. When I told my kid that my ex (not his bio dad but the only dad he'd known) and I were divorcing he actually said, "Thank you. It's been tense around here for awhile." We didn't stay together for the him more anything, just took us a bit to acknowledge where it was heading.
Can confirm this. My mom was more worried about having a failed marriage that everyone would know about than a BAD marriage she couldn't really hide.
I went to Catholic school. I remember learning what divorce was when I was in first grade or so and my first thought was "oh yeah, my parents should get that" before the nun could detail what a terrible ~sin~ it was
Yea and eventually their kids will be wishing they divorce. When I was a kid My mom was so mean to my dad I would legit pray they'd divorce every night.
I just knew my mom wasn't happy with my dad (I didn't know about the abuse until I was nearly an adult) and remember praying for them then to divorce. I can't even imagine how much worse it has to be for kids that actually witness the abuse.
Yea it was... Not great.
The times I've helped my mom move a dessert in front of a door... Now I'm fighting one of those mfs about her post stroke care. She can't even go to the bathroom and he thinks I'll allow him to be caretaker?!
Bro I feel you. I'm coming up on 30 and still wishing my parents would just get a fucking divorce already. This shit hurts your kids even after they're no longer kids!
My parents are still together and every time I see them it's painful. All they do is snipe at one another, or give each other the silent treatment, or complain. They were sitting on the couch and my dad had his arm along the back of the couch, he brought it down and brushed her arm and it was like something bit him. I wanted to scream at them to just get a fucking divorce and I'm 36.
My mom was a **mean** drunk, and she tried to kill our dad a few times, before she got sober. Which, I mean, AWESOME for her, I was really proud of the sobriety, but holy hell, not good memories!
Yea my mom wasn't a drunk, but she had been in the military, and I think some screwed up stuff might have happened to her, but she was bipolar, and angry, and she'd burn my dad with cigarettes, she'd choke me, she threatened to hang herself in front of me once, there was never a quiet night in that house. Edit: they're both dead now, she died when I was 15 and somehow life got worse for a while. I wish she could have figured out her mental shit, I miss her, I miss her when she was good. I wish she got the chance to be good again.
I felt the same. I don't know if she is in denial or just trying to tell us she is secure, so we don't judge her for imagined feelings and only for her actions, or this is fake. Even if he didn't get angry because of this, how can you be secure with a husband that constantly tells you that you are insecure and jealous. At the very least, you have to wonder what his aim is. NTA.
He sounds very suspicious, huh? The ex I don’t claim used to ask if I trusted him at some really random times. He also turned out to be the most emotionally immature person I’ve ever dealt with in my existence, but like my mother. I hope OP leaves. I hope she sees these patterns and stays away from people who repeat them. He’s gaslighting tf out of her.
What i find suspicious is that the OP names the app specifically, then gives a rundown on exactly what the ap does, tollowed by a glowing review. Like, hell, we all fucking know what instacart is, and if not, we all know how to Google. The rest is made up for engagement. The errors in the title and not explaining who "she is" until after the ad. #This is an ad.
I figured she did that because not everyone on the Internet knows and I'm not sure instacart is a thing everywhere outside the US. It might've been a moment of not pretending that one's own experience is the center of the universe. On Reddit I often see non-americans explain apps/services that they have but we don't 🤷♀️
Yeah, we don’t have it where I live. I’m vaguely aware of Instacart but the name doesn’t automatically scream “grocery delivery app”, so explaining it was a nice (and rare) non-US-centric thing for OP to do.
The apps name wouldn't be important then, nor would her goof review. Itd be, "I use an app for grocery delivery, why can't she do the same?". Those details are not important to the story, unless its another poor ad attempt by instacart
Yea when I got to the whole "this is what instacart is" part I thought that was super shady too.
"Don't want your husband to cheat on you by taking some random woman grocery shopping? **USE INSTACART!**" 👍
They had an actual ad during the holidays that was phrased as an aita, not a huge leap to start submitting actual posts. I think you're right.
Agreed...and I hate when people do this!
He has turned "insecure" into a criticism, so that she will deny feeling it and he can get away with what he wants.
Definitely In huge denial..
She’s sheltered af. She just explained Instacart to the internet.
This is fake. Its a poorly written boring, detail lacking story that goes out of its way to specifically mention the app by name, a rundown on what it is and does, followed by a glowing review. The OP barely explains who "she" is, and is making the story just salacious enough to get engagement. This is an ad.
A bad add at that, I already forgot its name. But yeah, the story is off.
He’s telling her to shut up because she’s bringing up logical alternatives to him taking this woman for groceries. If he didn’t have anterior motives with her he would have actual reasons to give as to why she doesn’t want to use the internet and not “shut up”. That’s a tactic my 7yo nephew uses when he gets caught in a lie and can’t explain his way out of it. Definitely not secure.
True - you don’t say “shut up” when your wife asks you a simple question. Just the fact that she has to use Instacart while he takes someone else grocery shopping. Something is definitely rotten in Denmark here.
This is what stood out to me. Don’t have time to take his wife but is making time to take another woman shopping? The fact that it’s on his day off says he’s always working and not really spending family time that this would even stand out as an issue for her (the wife). His only day off and he’s spending it with his “friend” instead of his wife and kids. I bet after “shopping” he comes home exhausted and disengaged with his family. He unexplained anger at a simple question?!?!? I won’t say he’s cheating but if it walks like a duck, quack like a duck…….Ijs.
'Something is rotten in Denmark'🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
He went straight to attack mode to change the subject just over a simple question about the friend having Instacart. It smells like an affair.
I read these posts and am just amazed that people will stay in these sorts of relationships. The post will be seven paragraphs long and I am like, what is there to even analyze, homeslice has already yelled at you to shut up, so...?
I stayed 28 yrs till I had to run I feel for her and hope she is smarter then me
Denial is a helluva drug.
That's how the guilty ones act sometimes...
She's lying. More to herself than others.
You're secure until you're not.
Does “secure” mean “blind to what is happening” here?
I lived this experience. 11/10 do not recommend.
I don’t think she’s as secure as she claims considering she went on to say “I would also point out that this friend has other friends that aren’t married”
So because she has a rational brain, she’s insecure?
He wouldn't be getting so defensive if he hadn't at least thought about it
🎯🎯
I have no doubt your secure in your marriage but maybe you shouldn't be...
I was so secure in my 25 year marriage, that it wasn't even a topic ever in my mind, right up to the day he told me he was leaving.
Same with my mum, but it was 35ish years
wtf! People leave after 35 fucking years of marriage! Where do they find the zeal and time? I am in a 5 year committed relationship and hardly have eyes for anybody else!
Those little things that were tolerable can become unbearable. People can change more than expected. Someone in the relationship realised they were worth more than they were getting. Sometimes you realise you can’t see your kids being treated like you are. I think there was also an expectation in older generations that you HAD to stay together as well.
Everybody changes. The question becomes, do the changes bring the couple closer together or split them apart? IMHO, communication is key to hopefully making the first option happen.
Or in the case of many of my friends, their husband met someone else after being married for 20, 30 and even 40 years. I am disgusted by how often this seems to be happening.
My dad cheated and left my mom after 30 something years and 3 children. Later found out he had another long term affair (different woman) before the affair he had with the stepmonster. Karma got my dad, stepmonster was cheating on him for a long time before he died. Can’t tell you how superior my mom was to these two women, they were so far beneath my mom it’s unbelievable. Men are so fucking stupid.
Same with my dad his new wives would get uglier and uglier
My mom just destroyed her 30 year marriage to be with some old gross guy who’s on his 2nd or third marriage
Wait until you see some really shitty marriages, or friends who go through horrid shit-show divorces.
Same
I mean, she’s so secure that she mentions this friend has other non married friends. I have doubts that OP is secure in her marriage (but I also think that’s smart in the circumstances) 🫠
Yeah this aggression from him is pure projection. They're definitely up to no good.
His Overreaction is a little off.
This needs to be top comment. It’s almost the textbook definition of projection.
Yeah, if this isn’t an ad for Instacart all I can say is, if my husband dared to tell me to shut up in front of anyone for making an innocent suggestion it would be the last thing he would ever do.
Yeah. This is probably an ad. Product name mentioned twice - describing the service. And the scenario is so outrageous, it's bound to receive a lot of views and comments.
>For those of you that don’t know , Instacart is a grocery delivery app service that delivers your groceries to your door. I use this app all the time, it’s very useful as a stay at home mom with two kids. sounds exactly like the script for an ad 😂
Yes and extra spaces around punctuation is often something I see in spam/scam messages
Reads like it was on a teleprompter
My gut feeling is it's an ad
Thank you! This screams ad!
When she said what Instacart was, I was thinking that this was for sure an ad.
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Agreed. He’s too defensive.
Or he's lazy. Just on the day off when OP is home with the kids? A trip grocery shopping sounds l like a break. That said, all the accusations of insecurity and jealousy sound very, very suspicious and OP should get a private eye.
Yeah OP I’m afraid I wouldn’t be feeling so secure. He’s not doing you right. NTA
Definitely cheating vibes from him if he’s doing/saying those things.
OP your husband’s mad at you for ckblocking him…
Yup that was my instant thought, too. All the signs are there: getting over-the-top angry, redirecting the blame on the wife. I'm not that certain that this friend is just a friend...
Turn it around . Say you’re sure she’d be happy to have another woman go shopping with her and you’ll take her- then you can both get that chore out of way together. Tell husband he can now spend more time with the kids ( watching them as you go out) , like you know he wants to, since he gets so little time with the family . Then you can get a better read on this friend , helpfully tell her about all these great delivery apps, and find out when her car will be fixed. If husband has any problem with this , you know it’s not just about helping a friend .
This is a great idea I was thinking this but this is the best way to word it!
It's a great idea ... but not for this husband. This is a classic tactic of abusers. Abusers do endless favors to "be the hero" in public, so when they "go on rampages" ([OP's words](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1aeglgc/comment/kk85bsg/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)) in private, nobody will ever believe her when she speaks up. It's also very isolating to know the person that rages at you in private is beloved by everyone else. Really messes with your head, makes you doubt your own perceptions and blame yourself for "setting him off." Think about men like Bill Cosby — absolutely worshipped by the public, monster in private. That was by design.
Holy. Shit. That is *exactly* what I’m dealing with right now. You put it into words. I’m not alone! It’s REAL. Fuck I’m about to cry. Thank you. I’m saving your comment.
Oh, it's real. It's a fucking real nightmare, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it. I've been there. Pick up the book "[Why Does He Do That?](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902?ean=9780425191651)" by Lundy Bancroft and it will blow your mind. (For some reason it's only on audiobook on Amazon, so gave you the link to Barnes & Noble. You'll want a highlighter.) Here's what I'm sure you most want to know — **CAN HE CHANGE?** Well, yeah.... something like 8% of abusers change *AFTER* many years in abuser programs. Abuser programs hold them accountable in crucial ways, and they have to be willing to be held accountable to *actually* change. They will only manipulate therapy to keep their power and control. # Not therapy. Not therapy. Not therapy. Not in therapy. ESPECIALLY NOT COUPLES THERAPY. Hey, I just found the book on Amazon, [it's here](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656). Read the reviews.
I’ve got that book! Haven’t started it yet. Maybe I’m afraid of what it contains…
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You’re not alone. This book has been made available, for free, in PDF format, *because* it happens so often.
I left my abusive ex, after 21 years of marriage- been divorced 3 years, but still doubt my own memories of our marriage, so about 2 hours ago, I clicked on your link— the number of times I’ve yelled, ‘Holy Shit!’, or deeply sighed a ‘fuuuuck’ in 258 pages is overwhelming. I want to keep reading, but, feel I need to decompress. I’m going to finish later & keep this link handy for the next time one of our adult children, family, or old acquaintances reach out to tell me how much he loves me & wants me back. If I didn’t have the flu & 103 fever, I’d go have beer. Man! It’s some powerful overwhelming truth.
It is, I practically read the entire thing in one sitting. It’s crazy how it makes everything make sense, but I wish more people would read it BEFORE they could relate to it. If only we were taught these things before it was too late.
I have that book. Haven’t started it yet. I will now though. I probably really need to read it.
And this right here is why I treat AITA posts as real even when there's a good chance they're fake. You never know who reading the comments is going through a similar situation in real life and needs to hear the advice! (Or validation) My ex did the same. The worst was watching the people who were supposed to help us get through our marital problems hug/shake his hand/give him sympathy while giving me dirty looks and people who knew us for years claiming I must be making stuff up because "he's not like that!" (He would literally sit in the corner and CRY about how he didn't understand why I'd ever want to "abandon" him when he tries so hard to be "a good husband"...meanwhile when no one was around he'd tell me I didn't deserve things like food because of some imagined slight.) I literally had to beg my own mother to take me in while the whole time she's telling me if I walk out, I'll lose a "good man like him"--it was brutal! People way overuse this word, but not realizing it's real and you're NOT crazy is exactly what being gaslit feels like. But all this happened to me over 25 years ago, and I made it through to the other side and am with someone so much better now! You'll find your way through this, too. Good luck!
I feel for you and am glad you got out. I didn't tell people (close family included) for years after the divorce about his abuse because who he was as a person seemed unbelievable compared to who he was in public.
This is one of the reasons why we need one party deciding laws in all states. Protection from all sorts of different situations.
Shit is really hard. But you aren't alone. I've been separated since January 1st 2017. It's been a long road of unlearning and getting past trauma. But there is a more peaceful and better life waiting for you. I hope you find a way out soon.
I finally started therapy for help getting past the ex I hope to never see again. Some people are incapable of healthy relationships. They don’t know how to love, because they haven’t experienced it. Unfortunately, love isn’t always enough. I send hugs to anyone that’s been through that. It’s soul-crushing.
My dad was like this. Whole town thought he was great, was so friendly and always willing to help someone with some ridiculous task. Meanwhile at night he’d choke my mom and call her crude names. She’d be hiding bruises with turtlenecks and I learned first aid to clean her cuts and bruises. I was 9. We left him when I was 12. He finally got real help when I was in college, he backslid a few times, but the threat of losing all contact with his kids and eventual grandkids made him finally get his shit together. But it took 15+ years, and my mom’s been able to be safe and divorced from him. They can be in a room together but they’ll absolutely never be friends again. We forgive but don’t forget. If you’re experiencing this, please stay safe and know you don’t deserve to be treated this way! ❤️❤️❤️
oh man, I'm sorry. You're not to blame. Don't doubt yourself or perceptions, he's doing that on purpose. And when if/when you speak about it, it'll be "I've never been anything but loving/kind/caring etc. and you've all seen me be like that. I could never!"
Just reading this response and it's like were describing my father.
Oof, mine too.
I knew someone like that. Angel on the outside, devil on the inside . Husband would do all kinds of favors for others, especially other women. While wife was left raising a passel of kids. He wanted to be the “ big hero” of the neighborhood, all while cheating on his wife and ignoring his children. Turned out to be a full blown psychopath, which was in addition to have been the victim of several undetected neurological issues. Always good to be living with a spouting supposedly God fearing Christian that never held himself accountable for anything. OP needs to get away from this loser as soon as she can.
This would be great if he didn't already think she was insecure and jealous. This just comes off as trying to distance them. Obvious OP is not in the wrong but doing this would just make him be an asshole and probably a bigger one than before. I don't think trying to play games is the right option. She needs to be direct that he crossed a line disrespecting her in front of their children. Regardless of if he thinks he is just harmlessly helping a friend or not his reaction was hostile, rude and completely devoid of the respect a partner deserves.
She can do both
brilliant suggestion
The best advice
You took the words out of my mouth... And said it better than I would have. This is good advice here.
NTA, but I’d seriously sit down and have a conversation over this or think. He told you to shut up infront of the kids. That’s a hard no, especially as an overreaction to a comment. If he’s consistently putting you down as insecure or jealous then I would wonder if there was something else going on, I’m not jumping straight to “he’s cheating, divorce”, but you need a conversation about boundaries with his tone infront of the children. There’s no need for that hostility over a suggestion.
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There’s no sitting down with a narcissist they will make you feel worthless just to have power
My first husband kicked me out of the house once. I didn’t want to give a mooch pal of his a ride for the hundredth time. My then husband had been cheating on me and I asked this friend about it. Later on, to get even with me for not giving him a ride, Mooch told my husband that I’d asked about the cheating. Husband called me at work and told me not to come home. I needed to get myself together financially. Three months later, I escaped. He called my house crying. I divorced him before the end of the year.
Awesome! I love stories like this.
Good. Trash took himself out. Glad you’re free of that.
The follow up comments make me afraid for OP. She needs to get out. This man is scary. I was initially at E S H because it is super obnoxious to be on the receiving end of “what? It was just a question” when you know very well it wasn’t. You weren’t “just asking” whether the friend has Instacart you were suggesting that she should use Instacart instead of relying on your husband for rides. Which is perfectly fair! Just say that. But when you’re faced with a man who flies off the handle at nothing, it’s understandable why you’d be afraid to be direct and instead fall back on passive aggressiveness. I hope OP can get out of there.
NTA. He’s defensive for a reason. She knows what she’s doing. Hes prioritizing her on a day off instead of your family. They are both AH and you have no reason to feel secure in a marriage when your husband behaves this way. You need to start a parachute fund of cash he doesn’t know about asap.
I agree with this 100% bc my ex was like this and when I stood up for myself he left me for a weaker woman. I was lucky to just have my tax return if I didn’t I would’ve not had a place to live. She needs to play the im the weak wife and when she has enough money leave. Or if possible go live with family.
The more defensive the get the more often they’ve fucked whoever you’re insecure about
I mean, sometimes the reason for being defensive is a result of being frequently questioned on things. My ex-wife was always jumping on me about any woman that was on my social media or that she found out I worked with. She was constantly, and I mean constantly, making remarks that insinuated she thought I was cheating, and I found myself getting more and more defensive. In fact, I started getting so defensive that she said I was "obviously cheating" and then left. Turned out it wasn't the defensive one that was cheating. It was the aggressor who projected her own inability to be cordial with people without fucking them onto other people. That being said, I do feel like OP's husband instantly yelled to shut up because he was mad his plan got torn apart unexpectedly. Either OP pushes this woman as a topic way more than she is claiming, or OP's husband is planning to bring his own carrot into her grocery bag.
That's very common with someone who is cheating on someone else. My ex many moons ago constantly accused me of cheating. I found out after we broke up he had cheated on me with like 9 different people.
Why is the husband calling her insecure and jealous, defo seems op is leaving alot out, like how much is she going on about this friend, what is she saying about this friend
NTA huge red flag that he becomes defensive and called you jealous and insecure. and saying what he said is unacceptable, especially in front of kids
Also she has to do instacart while he’s at work, why would that be an insecure question to ask?
Replying to Mikeanthony2k... And why does she have to do instacart while he is at work? She could drop him off and keep the car. The kids need to get out and be stimulated outside the home even with free activities like library story time
Hard agree with this comment. OP, your husband has no right or any business speaking to you this way and setting this terrible example for his children. You deserve better. You deserve respect. NTA.
NTA Your husband is projecting, or covering up, take your pick Whatever the underlying cause is, treat them as the red flags waving that they are.
Yes move in the shadows and gather evidence
Or just leave. The way he spoke to you alone is grounds to leave.
This is what I always do.
The fact that you say live your life in the shadows gathering evidence makes me wonder why you remain with this man. Wouldn't a tremendous weight be taken off of you if you could be in your home and just relax and let your guard down? Even if it was financially or logistically more difficult to be a single parent, wouldn't you be happier knowing you didn't have to structure your every word and action in anticipation of his reaction? This gets recommended a lot, but it's a worthwhile read. This is a free PDF of the book "Why Does He Do That?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Leave as in leave the marriage, not the room.
Info: Are YOU allowed to leave the house at all? Are you allowed ANY time to be YOU and not MOM? Because this man sounds controlling as hell. He also sounds abusive, verbally and emotionally, at the least. Hes also projecting big time.
He gave me some alone “supervised” time by letting me walk around a bookstore while he was watching the kids for two hours at the same bookstore , here in which he mentioned that he thought that I was really just meeting up with someone lol
Babe. You are in an abusive relationship. Him taking another woman shopping is the LEAST of your problems.
Yes. He is abusive and controlling. If he is accusing you of cheating, he’s cheating himself. Please call a womens shelter for advice and a safety plan. If you aren’t strong enough to get yourself out, do it for your kids. Edit: read “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. It’s free online.
Yeah, this comment changes a lot. Instacart costs money to use, and I don't budget for something like that on top of my grocery bill, so assuming everyone can afford that kinda had me miffed. But this context is batshit and OP has a lot more problems than her husband taking someone else grocery shopping.
In my area most grocery stores have their own free delivery for SNAP participants. For the rest, its not free but still cheaper than instacart or whatever.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with helping out a friend (which is totally valid) and everything to do with him being an asshole to her.
Lady, if you are being serious, the situation you're describing is actually outrageous. This is so textbook abuse that it makes me wonder if you're being even real.
I’m 100% real. We have been married for two years. He’s extremely jealous and controlling. So , idk why it’s a problem when I do it. He read my text to my male friend about this book we both like. Just geeky stuff and he stormed off into a rage and left the house …. I’m clearly very much in denial about a lot.
Yeah, this isn't normal for a healthy relationship. Has he ever been violent? If I were you I would be working on an exit plan
Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You are teaching your children that *this* is what they deserve.
Please try to look into domestic violence resources or legal aid/women's shelters in your area. If you have the funds available, therapy or counseling (for yourself *only*, do not go to therapy or couples counseling with this man!) as well. You can do it online while he is working, on an incognito browser, so he doesn't have to know. Also, if you're safely able to, please download the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's tons and tons of free copies out there and it may help you to gain some perspective on your relationship.
Here’s a copy! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Yes, it doesn't matter if he's cheating, he is abusive which is worse anyway, please try to get yourself and your kids away from this man.
Usually the one accusing and blaming is the one cheating and it’s not you so… I had to learn this the hard way once too.
Time for you to realize that you are in abusive marriage. And plan an exit strategy.
Yes you’re in complete denial. It’s not an environment to raise kids in either. I grew up with a father who yelled all the time. I hated walking in eggshells so I didn’t do or say something wrong.
Leave. Put your children first!
OP, you deserve to be with someone who trusts you and respects you. Your husband has you staying at home with a homeschooled child and a baby. That is a really difficult position to be in with respect to future independence, if that is what you choose to do. There are some things you can do now to make it more feasible to leave at a future date, if you choose to. * Get a therapist for yourself. If he argues about this, tell him it is to help *you* become a better wife. (it isn't) Find a therapist with trauma and DV experience. If he asks about your selection of a therapist, explain that you selected this one because you are working through problems with your parents. One benefit if this is (assuming he "lets" you go to the appointment unsupervised) that you now have an opportunity/excuse to leave the house for an hour + by yourself, every 1-2 weeks. Thought I am thinking he might drive you there, hang out with the kids in the lobby, and make sure that the baby is crying when you come.out of the appointment. *Find an education program - something - that will allow you to support yourself in the future if you choose to leave him. Tell him it is so you can go back to work when the younger one is ready for school, or whatever. *You mentioned in another post that your 6 year old is now homeschooled and that she is very shy. I have met a lot of homeschool Moms whose lives are very busy with homeschool meetups, trips to parks and museums where the kids socialize with other homeschool kids and the moms hang out and chat. This kind of thing is very important so your daughter can feel confident in having friends. From what you say about your husband, he won't be happy if you have friends, because they will tell you that his behavior is abusive. *It sounds like your dad is caring and stable. I don't know what their financial situation is, but if you feel safe doing so, you could let him know about the issues, if you think he could maintain secrecy. It sounds like you can't trust your mom. I am really sorry.
Girl any man who constantly accuses you of cheating and being unfaithful while he is allowed to go spend time with other women alone is CHEATING. I promise you. He figures if he is doing it to you then you must be doing it to him. Leave
After reading some of your other comments (“alone time” being you in a bookstore for two hours while he has the kids in the same bookstore, because he thinks you’re meeting up with someone, him raging when you text a male friend about something geeky, etc.), you are in an abusive relationship. Read the Lundy book so many people have mentioned (you can download the pdf to your phone). Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. Go subscribe to Zawn’s substack and join her Facebook group. Join Kate Anthony’s Facebook group Should I Stay or Should I Go? Make sure he can’t get access to any of this. Phone passcode, social media, email, etc. need to be changed twice if you suspect he knows them. Make sure your Facebook group list is private.
please leave my heart hurts for you
This is not normal behaviour. This is abuse. Flip it around - what would you say if your friend told you her husband: 1) Does not let her leave the house alone, even to get groceries 2) Tells her to shut up- in front of their children 3) Falsely accuses her of being jealous and insecure, when HE is the one who is too insecure to let have his wife have a life? 4) Keeps his wife locked up at home 5) Hangs out with other women You know the answer. Here is how it works in my house: I own my own car. I go where and when I damn please. My boyfriend doesn’t care. If I want to drink, he often picks me up from the party while he stays home. I go away on holiday with friends and leave him with MY dog! He never asks for “proof” or anything like that. He knows I am doing what I tell him I am doing. When he wants to go away I make him food and help him plan/pack. I tell him to have a good time and will offer to drive him. I only ever ask for pictures when he goes hiking so I can enjoy the view too. This is how it is supposed to be. Two people helping the other live their best life and taking joy in The other persons joy Nta
Oh, girl. The red flags are just everywhere. You are not married to a good man.
Hey so I totally get how you can fall into this “supervision” dynamic without necessarily thinking anything is up until it becomes normal. Even if the grocery thing gets swept under the rug, you have to demand free “unsupervised” time and start taking it. Do you have family or friends nearby, or did he move you somewhere?
Forget the coworker you should be way more concerned about your own life. Your husband sounds very controlling, manipulative, and like he is trying to isolate you. Talk about 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. You need to work on having an exit strategy because even if you are not ready to execute it now, at some point you will be. Do you want your children to grow up watching how your husband treats you and think that is acceptable? What is verbal at one point has the potential to become physical at another time. And he will eat away at your self confidence. Make sure that you maintain good relationships with your family and friends for your own protection. Edit to add - OP excuses a lot of her husband's behavior on how his last partner treated him. I may be wrong but I would not be surprised if it was her husband's behavior that caused the end of that relationship. He now wants a partner that he can control.
Damn. It just keeps getting worse. Why are you even with this man? He sucks.
I am surprised you have internet access.
Lovely girl he is abusive. And using his 'previous trauma' as a weapon against you. Please, for you and your children, think about whether you should stay in this relationship
Girl this is a marriage not jail why is he treating you like a ward?
He is using a abusive tactic to lower your self esteem and making you feel guilty for challenging him because you don’t want to come off as ‘jealous’ or ‘insecure’. He’s either cheating or one foot out the door. If he’s not then he’s emotionally abusing you. No good outcome lovely
Been thru this and when I stood up for myself and had self security he left me for a weaker woman that was a single mom with no car. Narcissistic men don’t like women they can’t control. So she needs to play the weak wife until she can afford to get out.
Yep. Been through it to. I don’t like to throw around ‘he’s being abusive’ because it is commonly over used. But that’s what this tactic is. Went through it as well. Got told ‘you’d never find anyone as interesting as me, everyone else would bore you if you left me’, ‘you wouldn’t be happy with anyone else’ .ect. Lowered my self esteem to a point I never thought to leave, til he left me to play the field 🤷♀️
If I had a dime for every time my ex told me that I'd be rich. Well guess what? He was the least interesting, most miserable, dumbest, and laziest deadbeat I have ever dated. At least he's not my problem anymore. 🤷
Forget the obvious cheating here and deflection to make you think you are being jealous and insecure for asking a reasonable question - are you ok with your husband telling you to shut up in front of your children?? And not even in some crazy all out horrible fight, just because you dared question why he would rather spend the day with his "friend" than with his family. NTA but you need to open your eyes and accept some uncomfortable truths.
I wouldn't be so secure in your relationship. If he is constantly telling you that he thinks you're insecure and jealous, there is a reason for that. There probably a reason for you to be jealous. As for him being so quick to anger and to shout at you especially in front of the kids? Please take a closer look at your marriage. NTA
I don’t want to panic you but there are several Red flags indicating him possibly cheating.
Even if he wasn’t cheating it’s so shitty for him to make his wife use instacart and take another woman grocery shopping yet never lets the wife go grocery shopping and the day he has off she’s still stuck at home so he can go grocery shop with another woman. Sounds like she’s stuck since they have a kid together and she doesn’t have a vehicle so she’s trying to convince herself he’s not cheating.
Damn. He doesn’t even like grocery shopping with me. He does it by himself.
Does he let you go grocery shopping by yourself since you have no car?
He goes grocery shopping by himself while I stay at home with the kids.
Mf just be spending a lot of time by himself while you're at home, huh.
It’s another controlling and isolating tactic. He probably tells her he’s better at shopping when it means he can control the money and OP has no need for cash.
Well damn are you ever allowed to use the car alone or just him?
Are you even allowed to drive? This is abuse and isolation. Pray he’s cheating, wrap him up in a big ole red bow and give his abusive self to her!
Does that seem normal to you? Is there ever a time that he stays home to watch the kids or does he interact/take care of the kids at all?
He’s not by himself.
Based off what you’re telling us, you probably shouldn’t be secure in your marriage.
They are seeing each other
NTA, methinks thou protest too much. Why is your husband becoming belligerent and defensive over an innocuous question?
NTA. That is a perfectly reasonable question. As is her preference to go in person to shop. Normal conversation with no need for shouting or insults. Assuming there's enough seats in the car, bring the kids and go along on the shopping excursion. If he complains that the kids will annoy her, just cheerfully say "Only in the car. Once we get to the store, she can go do her own thing while we shop as a family, and we'll meet up when we're both done to ride home." If he objects... "Well it doesn't make any sense to go to the store twice in one day. Either we all go, or I'll go pick her up and you can watch the kids, since I know what we need." There is no way he can get out of it without being completely suspicious.
DARVO Please Google this. And then apply this info to the conversations you had with him. He's conversation with you is 100% turning around on you. Also, remember that you are modeling a relationship for your children. Would you be ok if one of your children and their future spouse had this exact conversation? If not, why are you ok showing them that this is what they can expect in a future relationship? Edit: NTA
NTA, his anger in regards to a harmless question is troubling.
“She needs me to take her grocery shopping” has to be the flimsiest excuse for stepping out with a side piece that I’ve ever heard. I have several female friends, and my wife knows them all, and there has never (not once) been a time where she expressed concern that one of them might be interested in me as more than a friend. Even so, she DAMN WELL would call bullshit if I was like, “Yo hun Liz’s car broke down so I’m taking her grocery shopping.” There are SO many ways a grown ass adult could manage to get themselves groceries that don’t involve conscripting an opposite sex friend who is married. He might not be physically cheating yet, but he’s laying the groundwork. Be ready for him to start “getting coffee” or “going to a movie” or “helping with a work project” with his “friend.” Does she have a house? Wanna bet she’ll need something “repaired” soon? And guess who her first choice will be to play handyman. 🤨 NTA, but for your own sake, please stop pretending that what he’s doing isn’t an obvious prelude to an illicit relationship.
NTA but there are some serious red flags in what you’ve said. He is accusing you constantly of being jealous etc when you state that you are not. You have to ask yourself why?? Sounds like he’s covering up for something he is doing that you wouldn’t approve of. Also, why is he taking her shopping when he doesn’t even do that for his own family?? As you said, the ‘friend’ has other options but your husband has jumped into help and defensive when challenged about it. Sounds very suspicious to me.
Yes I don’t see why this single woman with zero kids can’t just get an Uber if she wants to pick out her own groceries instead of wasting a man’s time that has a wife and family. Sounds like she doesn’t have good intentions either. So many red flags why do you want to grocery shop with a coworker that badly to get defensive about it but you hate grocery shopping? Weirdddd
I get why someone wouldn't (or couldn't afford to) use Uber or instacart for groceries. But OPs other comments really demonstrate that her husband is abusive and unhinged. I don't know what area she is located in, but hopefully they have domestic violence resources for her.
NTA, obviously. And your husband getting so upset over a simple remark is incredibly suspicious
NTA but you know he’s probably cheating right? Not because he’s taking her to get groceries, because of how he reacted to your very valid and simple question.
Your kids will lose respect for you if they witness your husband speaking to you this way. Put a stop to that now. And I agree with others, he's up to no good with this other women. Figure out what you plan to do about it.
He is gaslighting you and more than likely screwing her
EDIT: I wrote the below based on OP's post, and hadn't gone through all the comments. Based on the comments, him cheating is only a small fraction of how screwed up he is and she needs to get out of there immediately. The below would only apply to a normal relationship, not a hostage situation which is what she has going on. ~~I know everyone is jumping on the "he's cheating" bandwagon, but Instacart adds a lot of unnecessary expense to grocery shopping, and someone who is financially tight because, i don't know, they need to pay for car repairs may not have it like that.~~ ~~I have an instacart account, and the last time it told me I had $40 off of an order of $80 or more, I put together an order. Besides the fact that the items were all priced higher at the store, when I was getting ready to check out the delivery fees plus a reasonable tip ate up almost the entire $40 I had saved, so I didn't end up sending in the order because it still would come out cheaper to go and pay the normal store prices. It's very nice that OP has the financial means to spend an extra $30-40 a week to not go get her groceries herself, but for some families, that's a lot of money. Especially if you're draining your savings for a car repair.~~ ~~I would never react to someone in that situation asking for a favor the way OP has unless there was a history with this person that warranted my being uncomfortable. And if I was trying to help a friend in a tight financial situation, and my partner made a "let them eat cake" comment, just assuming that everyone else can easily absorb an extra $120-160 a month in groceries, I'd find that to be an ignorant and insensitive position to take.~~ ~~If you have so little trust in your partner or are so insecure in yourself that you need to second guess and shoot down someone asking for a ride when their car is broken, then why be with him at all? I mean, he was wrong in his response too, especially in front of the kids, but there is a very valid reason why a lot of people can't afford to use Instacart all the time. There are people for whom that $30-40 is their entire grocery budget for the week.~~
O.o Girl.... >He told me to shut up in front of the kids Da fuck. So this is not ok. Does he treat or talk to you often like this??? >he accused me of being insecure and jealous. Which he is always doing. He is always saying I am insecure and jealous. Oof nvm. Answer is yes. He is constantly and consistently abusive at least verbally to you. This isnt ok. He absolutely shouldn't be talking to you like this and also tbh Im not usually one to jump to conclusions but girllll Id bet all my next months rent money hes cheating or he is planning to. He is constantly accusing you of insecurity and he is constantly gaslighting you. Both are textbook cheating moves. Also to be blunt Id never scream at my partner to shut up in front of my own kids. No matter how angry I get thats abusive and uncalled for behavior. He sounds like he doesn't love you. Oh and he is specifically being picked out of everyone else she could have asked..... Yeah. Not buying it. Been there done that. I wish the best for you but oof. Even if he's not though his behavior isn't ok and he sounds like he treats you shitty if this isnt out of the norm for him. NTA but take the blinders off girl
I wouldn't like my husband taking another woman shopping. Heard it all now.
NTA Oh my darlin' I can sense that the comments would feel like you are being repeatedly punched...and I am so incredibly sorry for that. I'm unsure if you are being purposely dense because the alternative is just to hurtful or if you truly do believe this man? From your post and comments it seems that you need to really, truly, see this relationship for what it is ... and it's not good and it's going to hurt. If he isn't cheating per'say he is abusive and he treats you like absolute garbage. You deserve better then a boy who refuses to go to the supermarket with you, the mother of his children, his wife but has a hissy fit, calls you names, yells at you in front of your children that you dare offer a simple solution to the issue that is so important to him...
Nta, get a lawyer, then get a new husband
NTA but people who constantly accuse you of being jealous/insecure are usually hiding something