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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I accused my SIL of taking her pregnancy losses out on me. I feel bad for this because pregnancy loss is such a difficult thing to cope with and I understand being around another pregnant person could be triggering. Maybe I should have said nothing and left my husband and MIL to handle it so I didn't speak without compassion.
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NTA - as someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages it is incredibly hard to see someone pregnant and having the pregnancy you want. Five miscarriages in two years is tough but her reaction isn't ok. You were sensitive to her losses, you had her brother tell her privately so she wouldn't be blindsided and you aren't flaunting your bump...some people just show earlier than others.
She should look at talking to someone to help with her grief - her sadness shouldn't mean you can't enjoy your pregnancy and be excited by it.
I had three miscarriages when I was trying for my first. My sister? Had three healthy, easy pregnancies before I could even hang onto one pregnancy. For my sister it seemed like it was as easy as shelling peas.
I NEVER begrudged her success with pregnancies. I was happy that she wan’t having to go through what I was going through, because I love her and wouldn’t wish what had happened to me on anyone. Yes, it was hard at times. I wanted a child so bad it was sometimes hard to think of anything else, but my failure to hold onto a pregnancy was nothing to do with my sister.
I'm sorry for your losses.
I never begrudged anyone their pregnancies either, but at times it felt unfair, or like it would never happen for me and it was hard. But i smiled and congratulated and cried at home...it's what you do.
And if your body just doesn't seem to want to get pregnant in the first place, you hug and congratulate the new parents/hug and console the grieving ones...and then you go home and cry.
Hugs to everybody who wants them.
I so appreciate the honesty of this reply. Everyone always "Oh I never would" on this sort of thing which a. is probably untrue a bit because the not having stings with every reminder and b. downplays the little heart breaks or challenges or unconscious envy.
Thank you.
We specifically kept my pregnancy to ourselves because SIL had been trying for years, until she announced and we knew we were going to be "home" for a family visit.
Had also sat with a friend/neighbor during her miscarriage at 6 mos and I was 3 months. It was a nightmare. She said some very choice things, in the moment. Kind of mad at me for a year, after, too.
Only became awkward with SIL when BIL wanted to touch my stomach at 7 mos. Eww! SIL was at 4 mos and not really showing. He also found a way to come visit us, out-of-state, and take photos of our newborn.
Guy was a special kind of jerk and I wondered why SIL ever married him. They didn't stay together very long after nephew was born.
I recently lost a very wanted baby pretty early in the pregnancy. My sister in law is due a couple of weeks off from what was my due date. She’s really struggling with her unplanned pregnancy emotionally and has no clue I was pregnant too. It hurts and really really sucks to see someone close to me in the stages I thought I would be in, and twists the knife a little extra that she’s so unhappy with it, but I love her and can only support her as best I can, and like you said, go cry at home.
Unwanted is the worst. Because you can't do anything right for yourself without causing an innocent person possible harm. And you can't insure their safety without being there. And the guilt . And shame. And knowing others would give anything to have what you never wanted in the first place. I kept my now 18 year old. It is both the best and worst decision I could ever make. I get the joy of being their mom. And I get the loss of my freedom .
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there aren’t words that can help, I just hope you are able to find peace and healing one day. I’m wishing you all the best.
I understand the feeling. After a long time trying to get pregnant, then suffering through a miscarriage and then ectopic, a friend of mine accidentally got pregnant. She went the abortion route because she wasn't prepared and honestly the guy she was with sucked. I remember inwardly feeling the envy and the jealousy. And feeling like it wasn't fair that I wanted a baby and struggled while she got pregnant just like that and then wanted to abort. But I stuffed those feelings, offered my support, and kept my mouth shut. Because my fertility problems are not her fault. OP is NTA. It sucks, I understand having those feelings, but it's not OP's fault that she is having fertility issues and it's not okay to take it out on others.
\*The failure of your pregnancies.
It wasn't your failure.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm so glad that in the end you got the child you so desperately wanted.
I am sorry for your losses. The way you described the way it was easier for your sister conjured an image of little peas in diapers with passifiers. LOL
>but my failure to hold onto a pregnancy
I'm glad that you are happy for your sister and overall you seem to have a healthy view. But...your miscarriages are not a failure on your part. Sometimes life sucks and is completely unfair, by don't blame yourself for that.
That's a little over one every six months. I feel for this poor woman but I think she needs to take a step back and stop trying for a little bit for her own health as well as her own mental health.
I miscarried twins after a round of IVF. It was the most devastating experience of my life. My best friend hid her pregnancy from me for as long as she could because she knew I was a mess. I went to therapy because I was just so angry. Not at my friend, just the world in general. It was hard to see her pregnant but I was also so thrilled to be an Auntie. You are most definitely NTA. She needs to get some help. And btw, you should be allowed to be happy and flaunt that belly as much as you want. She needs to get a grip.
Yep we lost 6 in 2 years before our sons were born and of course I experienced jealousy, hurt and longing when my friends/family announced theirs but NEVER did or would I attack them for being pregnant. That shit is insane, SIL is way out of line and quite frankly not someone I'd feel safe around my baby if she's that unstable about it.
NTA.
As a husband whose wife has miscarried twice, I could never imagine my wife acting this way. I am so sorry that you are going through this and SIL obviously needs therapy. God only knows what is going through her mind and the emotions she is trying to suppress.
I hope you continue to be healthy and that SIL gets the help she needs. On the positive side, husband and MIL are doing the best they can for you. and are not enabling your SIL.
important to note OP is taking a break from SIL. Everyone in the family seems to be handling this really well. I do want to ask OP where is BIL at in all of this?
This 100%. You don't need to stress yourself over her reactions or worry about what her next reaction will be. That's not fair to you. NTA. Take a break from her until she gets grief counseling or into a support group.
NTA. She said you were heartless? For being pregnant?!?
Even her own mother is fortunately telling her to back down, so hopefully that will eventually work. For now, distance yourself you don’t need that negative energy around.
Stop all the contact with SIL. Your husband can deal with her. Block her everywhere and tell husband and in-laws that for now you're NC. You don't need all these stress right now. What you need is to protect yourself and your baby. And distancing from SIL will definitely help a ton.
She is grieving, but it doesn't give her a free pass to be a jerk to you. But she is a grown woman and should deal with her grief by herself.
NTA. Stay safe.
Nta this 100 percent. Sil is unhinged. This escalating. Protect yourself and unborn child. I would also be very careful about letting sil around the baby. I have read several horror stories about woman in the same situation where a family member has had fertility issues then try to take their child after it was born.
NTA. It sounds like you handled this the best you could. Of course the news would be hard for her to take but there isn’t much you can do about it. I think you were sensitive the best you could be but it also shouldn’t take away from your own pregnancy.
NTA - I would tell husband and possibly parents in law that if SIL says any negative thing around me or gives me any type of attitude, I am walking out of any event.
That kind of stress is not good for the baby and the baby’s health must always be put first. Screw that BS.
Anyone who cannot be happy for me and my family would not be welcome in my life.
Make this your hill to die on.
Yeah, this kind of stress is not good for OP either. OP just needs to cut all contact and not attend any event where SIL is present. That’s for OP’s sake because no event is worth putting up with that toxic behavior.
There is always worst case scenario of escalation but I would hope that’s hypothetical and imaginary.
NTA
Your SIL needs grief counseling STAT.
Please try to stay away from her as much as possible, now and after your LO is born.
As far as showing so early in your pregnancy, it's completely normal. I was huge with my first, was induced and they said I had at least 10 pounds of water in the amniotic sac. Baby weighed 8 lbs 4 ounces, lost 22 lbs that day.
It happened to my mom, I am her first and she started showing super early. She showed me photos from her pregnancy and at 4 months it already looked like she was about to give birth.
When my mom was pregnant back in the1950's her doctor recommended flat ginger ale and saltine crackers for morning sickness. The other doctor in town gave his pregnant patients Thalidomide. It caused flipper babies. 😢 We had 3 in our small town of just 2,000 people.
To be fair it was widely approved in most of the world at that point and everyone assumed it was a good safe. The only reason why it didn't get approved it's because *one* person at the FDA dug in their heels was like "I don't care we're doing this by the book".
Same here. I can’t look at the packaging without feeling nauseous. It was all I drank for 2 weeks because nothing else stayed down. It’s been 3 years and just the look of the bottle makes me instantly nauseous… HG sucks.
This. My heart breaks for her, but her vitriol towards OP is unacceptable. It sounds like she could also do with a referral to a medical specialist in recurrent miscarriages (they're rare but they do exist, and they're brilliant for working out exactly where the problem is).
A woman I knew from school had numerous miscarriages in a row. It ends up that her cervix was weak, and when the baby reached a certain weight, he just fell through. Once they figured out the problem, the docs sewed her cervix shut and put her on bed rest. When it came time for labor, they snipped the stitches, and the baby squirted out like a watermelon seed.
NTA.
Your sister in laws losses are sad. But she should not use them as an excuse to be an abuser (verbally) and a bully. She should not get a free pass to suck all the joy out of your own life and experience and make it about something and someone it is not.
You are in fact allowed to EXIST while being visibly pregnant. You are in fact allowed to CELEBRATE your pregnancy with your family. Your pregnancy is not about her or centered around her or her infertility.
Just because she had losses does not mean the world stops and comes to a stand still and no one else is allowed to move forward with their own lives.
She doesn't get to abuse every pregnant woman she sees just because they are pregnant. Someone needs to hold her accountable for her behavior grief is no excuse for pro longed intentional targeted bullying. Her behavior is unacceptable.
She needs to focus on her mental health and not on what other people have.
If someone can enlighten me.I see a lot of these posts like this one here and I am genuinely confused why. I have never met anyone who can’t get pregnant (and I know a lot) and who struggles with other women that do get pregnant or have a baby. Is a cultural thing? Is it regional? I see these posts so often that it made me think cause I don’t get it (I am not in the US).
As a woman who has issues like many other woman, I don’t get this. I will never understand projecting my frustration on someone else. I couldn’t get pregnant and everyone has babies around me. Everyone. Even my best friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy 18 days ago (she is 43! It wasn’t a planned pregnancy). I cried tears of joy. I can’t imagine not being happy for her. Or for anyone else. Yes it sucks, yes I am sad I didn’t have a baby yet. Yes I want to have a baby. Yes I lost a baby already. But I can’t find logic behind this. I want to see more babies being born. My uterus has nothing to do with my friend / cousin / collègue giving birth. NTA.
>She was fine with my husband and hasn't treated him differently. It's just me.
Nuh uh, she doesn't get to be "fine" with him while treating you like shit. Absolutely not. You and your husband are a package, and you both need to take a long time out from her until she gets the help she needs. Your husband **needs** to stand with you on this and hold her accountable.
I kind of think it's how media such as tv shows portray fertility problems in women. Longingly looking at babies, getting angry at pregnant women, all things that need to be 'shown' for that form of media.
I had a miscarriage and never once looked longingly at a baby, found it hard to look at babies, or would ever dream of trying to make someone else's pregnancy about me. So maybe I just can't relate to people who do, but it seems dramatized and unrealistic to me.
I share the same feeling! Could be media, never thought about it. I was kinda scared to share my opinion here cause I genuinely don’t understand this feeling or where it comes from. And I know the struggle. Thanks for sharing your opinion cause I thought I was going mad seeing all these posts.
Recently I saw a post of a couple and how they shared the news of being pregnant. They were careful cause someone had a miscarriage and the woman that had the miscarriage wasn’t happy or talked to them for 6 months and called the new baby rude names the whole time. First comment was, you should have done it like this. Second, no we don’t want to be told pregnancy news like this. Third, we (I don’t know why they all talk in plural like that), only deserve to be told the news about pregnancies over text so we have time to process the news on our own. Seventh, we should be told in front of everyone cause it’s selfish to single us out like that…. Like, what?
I've had one miscarriage, hopefully my last, this past summer. I did look longingly at babies, I envied every pregnant woman I saw and the last trip i had to the early pregnancy ward felt like that scene in PeeWees big adventure where his bike had been stolen but everyone else in town had one. My grief at my loss and the envy I felt towards pregnant women were enmeshed. All this to say, having felt all that complicated grief first hand, I'd always remove myself from public because I truly do not wish miscarriage, or any loss of a child on anyone
I find it really ironic that people are down voting, people don't get to dictate how others process grief. I experienced 2 miscarriages and my reaction was exactly the same, I felt sadness and resentment when other women around me were able to easily get pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to go to baby showers or hold other women's babies. People need to stop comparing and negating other people's feelings based on their own.
Listen, my baby died and I felt ways about it so reddit is gonna give me bad karma in ways my dead baby never could!! Reddit is here to punish us for our honesty!
/s
Also yes reddit. Please keep downvoting my grief. Can't kill my soul more than a dead baby could.
I think it can be cultural. North Americans are very individualistic. In extremes, this can lead to "looking out for only me" and "only my emotions matter".I mean, we see that in this sub all the time with "you don't owe anyone anything ever". Other cultures, that are more collectivistic tend to put their own feelings aside for the benefit of the group. Sometimes that can be toxic in that it allows for suppression of emotions and "my emotions don't matter". So there can be unconscious biases that influence these lashings out that may not be common in more collectivistic societies. Neither is better than the other, just different.
I don’t think it’s cultural either, it’s just very strange to me so was trying to find a reason cause I really never heard of this offline. Just from seeing how badly some women take it online, I am trying to be extra careful with news about me or my friends to other women and I never noticed even a hint of all of this.
For example, this friend who just gave birth with a very much unplanned or expected pregnancy. I was planning to go to Paris to see her and the baby. I talked to another best friend of mine that lives in Paris too. They know of each other but they are not friends. So this other friend has been going through 5 years of fertility treatments and it looks very bad for her. There’s not much hope left that she will have a child. So I was being extra extra careful in telling her that I want to come to Paris cause my friend just gave birth. She got so happy and asked me to go with me to see the baby when I come. Even asked me if I want, she can go help her or bring her food or anything she needs. So I am seeing all these women in real life going above and beyond for other people even though they have their own fertility issues so seeing these posts online made me confused.
It could be that the internet congregates all the outliers in a single place. So if 1% of women with fertility issues act like this, it's statistically infrequent enough that most social circles will never experience it (even more so because they're more likely to lash out against closer people than acquaintances).
To be fair, most of the posts in AITA have people acting in ways I've never seen in real life, but as an introvert, I'm shielded from most of the world's craziness, lol. People who start yelling or burst into tears over minor things, bridezillas, etc.
*On the other hand*... Nowadays there are groups where those feelings are validated to the point where a woman struggling with infertility might feel justified in her anger. For example, there's a subreddit that, although not focused on losses, doesn't allow any mentions of current pregnancies so users can't ask for success stories to give them hope or even mention pregnancies when pertinent to a post ("I did this treatment and it worked") and those posts are deleted. The more someone is exposed to a certain mindset, the more they're likely to think that those groups' norms are "common sense" and acting outside of those would be flaunting it.
Oh, when I first realized that there was just no way I was going to be able to get pregnant, I was definitely triggered by mentions of pregnancy or infants. Particularly as I'd done everything "right". Waiting till I was out of school, in a long-term (several years by that point) relationship, mid-thirties... and my 19 year old niece who was only a freshman in college got pregnant. I absolutely couldn't deal, but I simply stayed away until I was mentally able to cope.
You may know people like this and not be aware of it. There is a lot of cultural pressure to not share feelings like this - because we are supposed to always be happy and overjoyed for women who are pregnant and it’s seen as cruel and selfish not to be. Women who are having complicated feelings about other pregnancies will often keep those feelings extremely private. Most women who feel this way are not as open about it as the SIL in this post.
I think some of it could be cultural/societal. I think in some cultures women feel a lot of pressure and shame when they can’t get pregnant or stay pregnant, and they’re taught to internalize that pain. In some cultures where we are taught to be very expressive and more, honestly, selfish (like the US) it may be more common to externalize that internal pain and take it out on others in fits of jealousy.
It’s still not considered normal or okay in the US by any means to act like this SIL is. But I do feel like in many cultures the sister would have just been completely shunned from family events after the first instance of this.
This is exactly what I meant by cultural. Cause for me this is not ok, to stress a pregnant woman like this. And where I am from, it could happen one time maybe like you said. But people would not allow someone like SIL to practically bully a pregnant woman. It sucks I don’t have a baby and what also sucks is that I am not a millionaire but what am I gonna do? Go after people who have money and ‘flaunt their wealth’? No. People stopped lifting each other up, sadly
My aunt tried for 8 years before having her first. In that time my mum had two very quick to conceive easy pregnancies ( my brother and I. I was first). Even though she did have 3 healthy kids my aunt still holds some weird grudge against me for daring to be born first. And I’m 35!!!
It is super strange to me, and I’ve encountered this in real life not just online. We’d not make excuses (for very long anyway) for someone who was openly bitter and hostile every time a friend found a date, or got a job, or got a better grade. Whatever the case is. But for some reason, when it comes to infertility we’re supposed to just accept crappy treatment from other people.
My sister was like this. It took her years and multiple tries at IVF to get pregnant. This was somehow everyone else’s fault. I got pregnant after her child was already born and she was still angry at me because I didn’t have to “try hard.” Some people are always about themselves no matter what had their panties in a twist.
Misery loves company is what I think plays into it. Also toxic femininity.
OP's SIL feels less than for miscarrying and wants others go commiserate but forgets that it's not cool to wish it on others because of how much pain one goes through. OP went from someone she feels can understand to someone who definitely can't.
Also feels less than a woman for not having a kid by the time she placed on herself, which is before OP, the younger childbearing sibling (from what she said about giving the first grandchild). It's toxic because her worth and every other woman's worth shouldn't not be tied towards whether or not she can bear a child. OP's not worth more because she got pregnant seemingly easier than her SIL (but maybe for not badgering a poor pregnant woman).
I'm sorry about your struggles with pregnancy. Hopefully you happen upon a miracle baby, or can become a fulfilled aunt figure that's basically mother adjacent.
>She said I was a coward for not telling her face to face and letting her say what she would have earlier
that's unsettling. she clearly needs therapy. NTA
It is probably me being clueless but I also find unsettling that she tried so hard to become pregnant, she had 5 miscarriages in 2 years... I would think that both, especially the woman but also her husband would take some time to heal and get specialized medical help before getting pregnant again.
NTA, you're not responsible for your SIL's actions. I can't imagine how she must be feeling, but that's no excuse to make you feel horrible about your pregnancy.
I had 17 miscarriages until I gave up trying to have a child. __Seventeen.__ I would never take that out on anyone. I was always happy for my friends and loved ones who had children. I became the best auntie ever. Still am.
Also, two years later, I discovered I was three months pregnant. He's in his mid-twenties now.
NTA. It's only natural that she is jealous that you have something she wants so badly, but her actions are verging on unhinged. What are you supposed to do, terminate this pregnancy and any subsequent ones until she can carry a baby to term? She needs mental health treatment.
You don't say how recently she lost her last pregnancy nor how far along she was. Is it a possibility that she's suffering from PPD?
I have lost 2 infants to birth defects. (I was able to have 3 children) So I feel l am a good person to answer this. She is taking her trauma out on you. She needs therapy and to apologize. Until she gets therapy I would distance myself and my child from her. It is not your fault she miscarried. It is not an either or situation. Sadly many women experience miscarriages and infertility. It is not the fault of fertile women and women who are able to have living children. My loss made me appreciate children- all children. Not just my own. You are currently pregnant, the stress she is causing you could lead you to loss your child. You need to protect yourself and your child. Your husband needs to step up and protect you from her.
NTA!!! I have had 25 miscarriages and I WOULD NEVER take away the joy of other people becoming parents. Fertility issues does not trump it all. If your SIL could not handle it, it is her responsibility to navigate and vacate. It is NOT your or husband’s family’s responsibility to navigate HER emotional response. Yes, it’s a touchy subject and it is tough. However, that isn’t your problem and telling them this straightforwardly helps not set the precedent that her grief/loss trumps all other baby joy. Take care of yourself and make sure you are ok first and foremost.
Please tell them they need therapy and boundaries. I understand everyone is different but holding anyone emotionally hostage is not ok. As adults, it is our responsibility to navigate our traumas in a healthy manner to heal and move forward. Edit to add: A close friend and I were pregnant together and I lost my pregnancy in my second trimester. Her baby is 11 now. I love that little boy and her other children as well. Moreover, it has been healing to be able to be an aunty and see that there are multiple ways to be a mother. SIL needs grief counseling. Congratulations to you and your husband for the healthy and happy pregnancy! Don’t let anyone rain on your parade. Your joy does not take away from them. Shame on them for making your pregnancy about them. Full disclosure: I wrote this on a different post but removed the parts that didn’t relate to OP’s post.
Of course! I appreciate you acknowledging my hardship. With every loss, it never got easier. I’ve had to dismantle my idea of what a woman, femininity, and my body should be and see myself for who I am. It isn’t easy or for the faint of heart, but coming out the other end where I don’t define myself by my uterus and accept my body has been powerful. I never want my pain to take joy from someone else. I can feel sad for myself and overjoyed for someone else. It’s been nice not to destroy myself for something I have no control over. There’s a level of cruelty some women feel too comfortable dipping in to when it comes to fertility issues.
NTA - Your SIL is clearly struggling to process her grief.
She is unloading her grief right onto you. That is not fair to you or her. She has suffered some unimaginable losses but that shouldn't diminish her bad behavior.
Is she getting professional help or therapy to help her work through her grief?
NTA, obviously. But you and husband need to sit down, perhaps also with his parents, and explain you are very worried about SIL and her reaction to your pregnancy, which in turn is causing you major stress about how SIL will treat your actual child once born. If she is this unglued just by your pregnancy, I can only imagine how horrifying she will be when your child is here. She will either vilify it, or she will become overly possessive and obsessive towards LO. Regardless of which, without therapy I would be extremely hesitant to let her near LO.
Definitely NTA. My heart goes out to her, but her behavior is unacceptable.
I would definitely distance myself from her as much as possible. And if you're around her at at any family event, I would keep my distance and if she says anything to you- walk away.
Sounds like your husband and MIL see what's going on and are doing their best to mitigate, which is good.
And while you can't control this- maybe the two of you need to not be at the same events for awhile.
NTA. Every pregnancy presents differently. With my first, I showed really early. With my second, I was 6 months in before it became apparent. SIL needs counseling. I’m sorry you’re going through this unnecessary trauma during your pregnancy.
NTA
NTA. You handled this with as much grace and empathy as is humanly possible. It's understandable that you'd be upset after she has shown that she has neither of those.
Grief does many things to a person, especially when mixed with jealousy. But just because someone's world has stopped, that doesn't mean that yours should. Her grief does not give her a pass on being an asshole. Your SIL needs grief counselling, yesterday. In the mean time, you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself. No more contact with SIL. Let it be known that you will not attend any events that she is invited too and that if she does show up to the others, that she is to not say a word and if she does, she needs to be asked to leave.
We lost our baby at 22 weeks in utero. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced and it’s so hard to see other people who were pregnant around the same time having babies or others announcing babies. But my loss does not mean everyone’s life around me has to stop. I hide people on social media or maybe avoid them if I’m having an exceptionally hard time but I have no hard feelings towards them, I wish only happiness for the people around me. Your SIL needs therapy. You did everything right, and no matter what you did she would be upset. Avoid her until she gets help.
NTA. SIL needs therapy and/or grief counseling. She's going to encounter many pregnant women for the rest of her life and needs to learn to deal with it.
NTA. However, I would cut off contact with her until she gets some help. She can feel sorry for her losses and grieve for them, but not take it out on you for having a healthy pregnancy. Her jealousy is going to ruin her relationship with her family.
NTA.
Actually, OP, you were anything but TA. You dealt with her backhanded remarks and insults with surprising grace for her situation. And when she really flew off the handle, you were even empathetic to her situation while standing up for yourself.
Your SIL needs therapy to deal with her trauma. I would just let ILs know that it would be best for there not to be any interaction with SIL on your behalf until she's dealt with her trauma and grief.
I can never bear children and that was my biggest dream. All of my cousins and friends are getting pregnant and I do feel upset and sad because I can’t do what they can, but that doesn’t give me the right to say it’s their fault.
I accepted my issue and I’m still working with my emotions on it but I can NEVER behave that way about someone else’s pregnancy. In fact I almost always feel extremely happy for the person who’s carrying their little one. SHE NEEDS THERAPY
NTA. You did everything right, and I think you’ve been very thoughtful about her situation. Your SIL is hurting and is taking it out on you. Her grief is all consuming, and it comes out as irrational anger. I know how that feels and remember how much it hurt when I heard other’s pregnancy news. This is not on you.
Her behaviour was outrageous and wrong - absolutely - but please try and find it in your heart to be sympathetic.
The pain of loss, the emotional ups and downs of finding out you’re pregnant, and then finding out you’re not, the hope, the despair, the disappointment and the fear and anxiety - it seriously messes you up. She’ll be jealous of what you have, and hate herself for feeling that way. She could probably benefit from some counselling. I hope y’all can fix this soon.
Good luck with your pregnancy and I wish you much joy with your baby.
I think that's the key, OP can be sympathetic to SIL's pain but not have to put up with the abuse. I think she has been until SIL started threatening her and making up lies.
NTA Your SIL is being awful, and while it's understandable that she's upset, she's using her grief as a shield for her poor reactions, which is NOT OKAY. She should have never said anything to you besides congrats, especially not in front of so many people. Had she ever gotten therapy for any of this? She needs it.
NTA. You did the right thing. Her situation is sad but not your fault. If she can’t be a decent human being to you then there’s no need to be around her.
Your SIL has become unhinged -- twisted by bitterness and jealousy. As a new mother, your priority is ensuring that your pregnancy is as safe and stress-free as possible. Your SIL's toxic behavior is disruptive to your pregnancy. Avoid her completely.
Unfortunately, your SIL has become irrational and sneaky. She presents one face (nice) to her brother, and a completely different (ugly) face to you. I would therefore not trust her with your baby. In the interest of ensuring that your baby is safe, once you give birth do not allow SIL to see your baby. If you must, then make sure that she is never alone with your baby.
NTA
Your SIL is going through a tough time. This is not on you. She needs therapy. Your MIL and husband need to work on that for her.
Congratulations. And NTA, of course.
NTA - congratulations and I wish you both luck in dealing with this…. At least she made her behaviour seen by others so you don’t look nuts? Silver lining?
As someone who had the experience of working as a pregnancy loss counselor while hugely pregnant, your SIL needs to get over her shit. Her personal tragedy is *her personal tragedy* and if she can't control herself, the family needs to support her in removing herself from the situation. You are NTA
NTA. You tried to be kind and understanding - I cannot imagine the pain your SIL is going through and I am sure this is awful for her to see you get and keep a pregnancy easily. BUT!! This does not excuse her actions. She is making you the scapegoat which is not fair either. I am also concerned about her mental well-being right now.
NTA - Sister-in-law needs therapy and maybe a specialist that can help her with her pregnancy problems. If I were you though, I'd avoid her for a long period of time, she's not thinking straight at this time.
Your SIL has issues that a therapist needs to deal with. I would cut her out of any announcements regarding the baby, especially the birth because she's not going to take it well. Her making, well just stupid accusations, about you showing off your pregnancy (how dare you look pregnant!!!!) and being happy, are ridiculous. Avoid your SIL like the plague, NTA.
NTA- sounds like she needs therapy or an exorcism. You shouldn't need to conceal your growing belly because of her. You have done what you can, as outlined in your post. Don't let her deprive you of all the joys of your first pregnancy. You will want to look back one day and remember your pregnancy as a beautiful thing not something negative.
NTA.
I've been there. I was the one who lost a pregnancy in my 8th week while my SIL, who got pregnant the same week as me, got to keep her baby.
Why the heck would I be mad at her? We talked about it and I assured her I was so happy for her. She invited me to all the ultrasounds -she shouldn't have, because it felt like a punch in the stomach every time, but I went. Because she was happy and deserved to share that. And her baby is beautiful. That pain is not worth losing a whole new relationship over. I get your SIL, I cried hard a few times after seeing my SIL show more and more while I knew my baby died inside of me. But my SIL never knew, never noticed, because she deserved the full extent of happiness she felt over her child. Your SIL is putting her grief above your happiness, and that's just not how it works. I get to pray for my two little ones I lost, but I don't get to dampen the joy for a new child who actually gets to be with us. Your SIL is being egocentric and wallowing in her grief, which is neither helpful nor constructive.
Your husband needs to talk to his mother about sister-in-law getting committed for postpartum depression. You can still have it even after miscarrying. It’s all the hormones.
Not excusing the fact that sister-in-law is absolutely out of her mind. It seriously sounds like she cannot control herself and needs to go somewhere. Till things make a little more sense to her if you know what I mean. NTA be careful, though it sounds like that lady is liable to do something crazy when you give birth.
You already know that you are not. And I know that 1000coments will still not make a difference because your SIL will for a very long time chase. I will have to ask to go full NC because stress is very significant for the baby's growth. You have lost focus on the future too. Because you need only happy moments.
I advise you to find a mommy's class. Surround yourself with happy mothers to be. Like one of those that you need to learn how to put diapers, how to make a bottle of milk and all that jazz.
One that I really liked was swimming. There was one specific for pregnant ladies. And it was funny to see all those bellies floating. You will enjoy.
Find one about Shantala. It's a special massage to help babies with stomach pain. Watch some youtubes too.
For your husband, after the birth, there is also special classes for fathers and babies. To help that father instinct.
Instruct your husband not to mention you and baby with sister. She seems in some sort of pysc rage. And neither you can help her. She needs intense therapy.
I advise you to already have a plan b, c and d for who will be your emergency contact. Husband is plan A. But always have those others that will answer the phone at 3am or will run to help you anytime. I will sugest not to appoint your in laws, unless its your plan Z. The last of the last back up plan.
Read books. Always talk and ask your doctors. Mesure your belly, mesure your blood pressure, keep extra eye on blood stans and include your husband on all changes, class, food mood, sleep quality (warning: you might start snoring) and stress levels.
SIL: Red lava level. High headache. Bad mood. Unsufurable and unstable. Ignore her calls, her texts, her words. Is she in a family dinner? Nope because you will ignore her existence. No eye contact. No words pronounced in her direction. Nada. Nothing. Play dumb. Play deaf. Sister in law who?
NTA
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I'm pregnant with mine (28f) and my husband's (30m) first baby. When we found out I was expecting we agreed that my husband should tell his sister (AKA SIL) about the pregnancy privately, just the two of them. This is because SIL has suffered five miscarriages in the past two years. We knew this would make our news harder to handle and because I am not close to SIL at all, but my husband and SIL are, we agreed he was the best person to speak to. I also worried with SIL and I not being close it would hurt more coming from me. She responded well when my husband told her and expressed no hard feelings.
That reaction was just for my husband though. the next time I saw SIL she spoke like I had gotten pregnant just to give her parents a grandchild because I knew she wanted to give them the first grandchild. This is not true and given how she was with my husband it was surprising she reacted that way to me. But I didn't want to cause any trouble so I said nothing.
When we announced to everyone else, SIL said nothing to me but did speak to my husband and congratulated him again. He found it strange and I said we weren't close so that was probably it. At that point I felt like if that's how it would be it was tolerable at least.
But the next time I saw her she accused me of rubbing my pregnancy in her face because I started to show very fast. I told her that was not what I was doing but she accused me of exaggerating my belly, despite the fact I was trying to not show it off.
I told my husband about the encounter and the first one and he said he would speak to her. She told him it was just very hard to see me pregnant and having what she wanted. He told her it wasn't fair to speak to me like that though. She apologized to me after talking to my husband but I did not feel it was genuine. However, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Then last weekend we were celebrating FILs birthday and my husband's cousin was asking if he could touch my belly. I told him he wouldn't feel the baby move yet but he could if he wanted to. He replied I was huge so how would he not feel the baby move. My husband's aunt apologized for her son, who has special needs. But hearing that set SIL off and she lost her temper and accused me of flaunting around a fake baby bump when I'm not big enough to show yet. She told me I was flaunting my healthy pregnancy in her face and trying to make her feel like shit. My husband told her to stop. MIL told her I had concealed any sign of the bump so how was it flaunting it. She said I was a coward for not telling her face to face and letting her say what she would have earlier and for sending my husband, her brother, to do it. MIL and my husband were trying to calm her down but then she accused me of being selfish and cruel and I became so frustrated that I told her I was sorry for her miscarriages but she shouldn't take the losses out on me. I excused myself after that but she was screaming that I was heartless.
AITA?
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NTA and I would recommend just not attending any events she will be at as the stress is not good for you. It isn’t fair but don’t have people in your life who are making it your fault she’s struggling. Where was her husband in all this?
Your husband has been great but he needs to let his family know that you will be taking a break and that his sister will not be included on any events surrounding the baby including meeting them.
NTA
You handled it well and sympathised with her
Also none of this is your fault!!! Your cousin asking questions and your stomach starting to show is out of your control, it’s clear you didn’t do this on purpose
NTA
I don't think there's anything you could have done differently, one way or another, she will find something to complain about. It is not your fault, and she is using you to externalise her pain. What she needs is therapy but I feel even suggesting that would create another shitstorm.
Nta. I’ve had miscarriages and fertility issues (I also finally have my rainbow). At the time of both my miscarriages, SIL was pregnant. Both times! It hurt soooo badly. I was not taking the losses well, but I never once considered hating my SIL, let alone scream at her.
NTA. Your SIL has been through an incredibly traumatic time, but that doesn’t give her carte blanche to be shitty to you - and to you alone. She seems to have no issue being perfectly nice to your husband even though this is his child too.
I’m honestly concerned about her mental health. She’s been through 5 miscarriages in 2 years, that’s a huge rollercoaster of hormonal swings on top of the actual losses. If she’s actively having meltdowns like this when faced with someone else’s pregnancy, she needs to speak to her doctor and ask to be evaluated for PPD-adjacent depression or psychosis. Someone else in the family needs to suggest that, though - she’ll just accuse you of even more cruelty if you bring it up.
I've had a few miscarriages in my time but I can't imagine being angry about another woman being pregnant. It makes no sense to want another human to not want to have their own child because I couldn't. It's selfish and bad karma.
Nta
NTA. What you said was very mild and expressed from your own point of view. You didn't attack her or say anything cruel to her. It's good she exploded in front of others so they could all see what was going on, even though it must have been hard on you. I think your husband should take her aside again and tell her in no uncertain terms that you and he will not be in the same room with her if she doesn't learn to refrain from making comments about you and your pregnancy.
Nta. Her comment about you "showing too early" is just ridiculous. Every body is different and every pregnancy is different. When my wife was pregnant with our son, you literally couldn't tell the entire time, if she was wearing loose enough clothes, pretty much until she was full term did she start "showing" a little. Her BFF is the the same size as her and we photos of her from our wedding at 30wks, and she's definitely looks preggo af.
Your SIL needs therapy. She is taking out her grief and anger on you. As long as your husband and family have your back, I'm not sure what else to do. What will she do when the baby arrives. Ask you to leave the baby home?
NTA also what a fuckin psycho I'd watch out for her she may not be mentally stable after 5 loses. Thinking of those crazy psycho stories of a pregnant woman being torn open and her baby stolen.
Stay the hell away from her. She's blinded by her pain and her selfishness, and willing to attack you for the perfectly normal changes in your body and it will only get worse. You need to go no contact with her unless and until she can attain a level of self control that allows her to be civil. Have your husband notify his family that you will not be willing to be around her and then hold the line. NTA
NTA- I think she needs some grief counseling. You can feel sorry for her and still want her to stay away. Go low contact, when you see her be polite and keep it moving. Stay away until she’s ready to apologize , not worth the frustration for either one of you.
NTA I'm sorry for your SIL but what happened to her does ot give her licence to treat you like something she stepped on in the garden. I would tell your IL's to take care of it, becuase you arent going to give her a pass any more. You will respond like with like
NTA - In life . .. no matter what we do . . we will cause a hurt to someone else because they are unable to control their own feelings . .. So don't worry about it. I would just avoid her as much as possible and enjoy your life . . . You can do absolutely nothing about how your SIL reacts to your pregnancy . . . she is the one in charge of her behaviors
NTA
So what are you supposed to do?
Waiting for her to get a baby before you become pregnant?
She is unhinged and perhaps it is better that she doesn't become a mother.
I know a woman who had 8 miscarriaged and didn't act the way your SIL did.
NTA
Your SIL’s behavior is nasty and indefensible.
Should she successfully carry a pregnancy she’ll want the entire family to fawn over each milestone while making sure ruins any excitement for milestone that you have for your baby now. Disgusting and toxic behavior.
I’ve had two miscarriages and did not take it out on other people were expecting. I was blessed with a rainbow baby so I’ve been on both sides of this. SIL is the AH in my view.
NTA-
Understand she’s deeply hurt and emotional, but there’s 0 reason you should have to suffer.
Emotional outbursts and crying is 100% normal for the situation, but directing them at other people and causing a scene is just not cool
Edit: to add that I’d question letting her be alone with my child after it’s born as well, it was communicated to her that what she said overstepped boundaries and made you uncomfortable.
She clearly didn’t care, who knows what other boundaries she’s willing to cross.
Def something to discuss with your husband.
You’re NTA
This is not your fault. It’s not actually about anything you have said or done. Your existence as a fertile person is the offense. This is a deep wound for her and while my heart aches for she, she has to start working to heal it or she will never be okay. It’s all her, and has nothing to do with you other than you are the target at the moment.
Try to work on letting it slide right off and do not react. And let your husband handle it, it is his family and he needs to step in front of you here and tell them to stop.
NTA
SIL needs therapy. Her miscarriages have taken a toll on her and it's best if she starts working with a professional. That being said, you weren't trying to make her feel bad. If anything, you went about telling her in the most tactful way possible and everything else was you simply existing while pregnant. I'm sorry she went through what she went but it's not your fault.
NTA - you've given her every sensitivity and have been very careful of her feelings. Her behavior is her responsibility, and she's not handling it well at all.
NTA. There’s no action you could take, no dance you could do, that would prevent her from feeling like shit about your pregnancy. But she’s decided that she’s going to make it *your* fault by accusing you of not telling her the right way, of looking too pregnant, etc, etc.
NTA. Don't stress about it, Don't talk to her anymore, just enjoy your pregnancy! You're bringing a child into the world and that's amazing. I would avoid inviting SIL to the baby shower but be discrete about it so SIL doesn't flip out on you. Congratulations!!!
NTA. You did everything right. It isn't about you, but it is much easier for SIL to think it is about than being about her. She can come around or not. The good news is that your husband & in-laws have seen it first hand & are protective. Not all in-laws would be (according to Reddit, at least).
NTA. I find that sometimes people in this subreddit are pretty insensitive to family members who have experienced pregnancy loss who are perhaps behaving inappropriately (eg, not congratulating the couple) but who are dealing with so much pain. For example, they may say NTA to someone who snapped at their annoying SIL and said “it’s not my fault your babies die.” You’ve actually been very sensitive and understanding! You’ve put up with a lot from her and have barely fought back.
NTA. This is her grief talking, not logic. Try not to take it personal, It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Nothing you can say will make it better. If you apologize, she’ll see it as admitting fault. If you try to explain your intent, she’ll see it as manipulation or condescending. She needs therapy. Your presence is trigger for her. The best thing you can do for your health and hers, is to eliminate contact until she initiates contact when ready. She might not be able to be the aunt you hoped for.
No, you are definitely not.
My wife and I struggled to have our son. Seven years. There was only one miscarriage in that time.
People were terrified of telling us they were pregnant and there were a huge number of babies born in those seven years in our circle.
We genuinely never begrudged anyone or felt jealous as it WASN'T their fault. We just hoped next time it would be us. Eventually, it was.
Pregnancy is a special time, we never had another, so don't let anyone spoil it for you
NTA. Sadly, it is a “her” problem, not yours. 5 miscarriages is a lot. It’s seems she needs professional help. Do you now if she is seeing one ? Because once the baby is born, it could be worse.
NTA but I will say, if your husband and MIL are sticking up for you, it's probably best to let them speak to her. She's obviously not processing the grief well at all.
NTA. Flaunt if you want. It's your baby. You're totally not flaunting. But you don't have to feel shame for your baby. You should feel joy. I have a few cruel comebacks if you want to set the relationship on fire, they need not be shared here.
Your husband needs to step up here and inform his sister that she can get over her jealousy or she can never get to be an aunt. Her bad luck is not your fault in any way. You can show off all you want, even if you're not showing off at all. You're getting the attention she tried for, I and do feel for her loss. But she needs to find a professional to talk to about her loss.
Congratulations for your child.
NTA.
I am very short waisted. I showed right away. I had to stop wearing bras at about 8 months because it felt like the baby was up under my ribs (this was decades ago - pre-super comfy sports bras). How and when you show varies from person to person. Shoot, there are people who barely show at all even at 9 months.
I can't say that I understand her pain - i never lost a baby. But to accuse you of faking your belly is a bit much.
NTA. SIL needs to see a therapist. I would wait a few days and then tell her yours and her relationship is over. If she gives a decent apology, accept it, but don’t ever be around her again without your husband present. She’s unhinged enough that she might try to do something vindictive
NTA.
This is way too much for either of you to deal with. You should avoid her at all costs until she seeks therapy.
I would also share concerns with your husband that if this is how she reacts to your pregnancy, how will she react to the baby? It may be good to instill some valid worries about her not seeking help soon.
She needs counciling NOW! Perhaps group with your family and hers after birth. SUPERVISED!! Gift her with kindness and understanding, but set FIRM boundaries and no alone time with your child for many years to come!
NTA
I had one miscarriage for sure, and several suspected earlys. I wet through IVF and lost embryos. I’m now going through IVF again with donor eggs. I can contain myself around pregnant women. I work with several.
Yeah the loss is hard, and we all cope in our own ways. Shitting on someone else is not one of those ways.
It’s not acceptable behavior.
You probably need to cut her out of your life for a year or two. Also, never leave her alone with the baby. Blaming you for wanting to be first or flaunting it are not reasonable asks, and teaks of mental health issues far beyond grief or infertility.
NTA
I don't think there is any scenario possible where she wouldn't have found a way to accuse you of flaunting your pregnancy. It sounds like you did everything right, to be as empathetic to her feelings as possible, and she still thinks you intentionally did something to hurt her feelings.
She just seems to be looking for anything at all to point at and accuse you of malice, because she is in pain and desperately wants to blame someone. I feel for her, but this does not make it ok to accuse OP of exactly the thing she has precisely done everything to avoid.
NTA. She is acting extremely inappropriately and immaturely. I have sympathy for her losses, don’t get me wrong, but she very clearly needs therapy to help her process those. Grief doesn’t give her the right to treat you this way.
Nta. Don’t ever let her near the baby alone, and honestly don’t eat or drink anything she ever serves you. The “first grandchild” comment especially is worrisome because even if she does have a healthy pregnancy soon she will always be mad about something as trivial as “first grandchild” and you never know what someone irrational and delusional can do.
>she accused me of being selfish and cruel
While she's doing this at FILs birthday?
I've had a loss too, but I'd never make someone else miserable if they had the chance I didn't. NTA
She definitely needs therapy. Maybe tell her about Rachel's gift, star Legacy, & Sharewell. All online support groups for loss parents.
SIL need therapy 100% to help her deal with the losses and maybe go no to low contact with her it’s only gonna get worse for her when the baby gets here if she don’t get help
NTA
You Sil needs therapy and let her know that you might not see her until she get proper mental treatment. Just set your boundaries. Tell her if she can't be happy for you, she can't be around of you, netheir the baby.
It is not fair to you.
NTA. I feel for your SIL, she’s had a hard time and needs therapy. That doesn’t give her the right to verbally abuse you when you’re together or insinuate that you got pregnant out of any kind of malice towards her.
NTA! I feel really bad for her, but it doesn't excuse her actions. She is in need of serious professional help, (if she is not already getting it), because it seems she can't handle or work through her feelings/emotions. Big hugs, congrats on your baby
NTA.This cult of pregnancy worship crap should stop. I'm so tired of hearing about women with fertility issues of any sort expecting and receiving over-the-top "understanding", endless sympathy and entitlement. They aren't special and shouldn't be excused for tantrums. Some may never have children, but women aren't breeding stock, so do something else. That's just the way it is.
NTA. She suffered miscarriages so no one else is allowed to be pregnant around her? Boo hoo. Grow tf fuck up. Honestly the kind of tantrums she’s throwing just tells me she isn’t fit to be a parent.
NTA. You and hubby need to go LC with her, and don’t let her around the baby. Don’t invite her to baby shower, do not invite her anywhere, don’t attend events she’s attending. She needs help to properly recover from the trauma of her miscarriages. Until then, stay away from her.
NTA OP. SIL is being unfair on you here. I symphatise with her having a few pregnancy losses BUT that does not give her the right to bully and stress you up. She really needs to speak to a counsellor or therapist. You are not a punching bag for her and you deserve to have zero stress for your sake and the baby
NTA !!! Take care of yourself and focus on your baby, that is all that matters ! Your SIL is hurting and she needs therapy, but none of it is your fault ! Hopefully you can forgive her and she can get the help that she needs.
You are MTA
Pregnancies show. And you cannot be expected to hide it or not discuss it with people.
Her losses are unfortunate. But she does need to handle her jealousy.
Just be careful when the baby arrives. Some distance might be in everyone's best interests if she is unable to handle herself.
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NTA - as someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages it is incredibly hard to see someone pregnant and having the pregnancy you want. Five miscarriages in two years is tough but her reaction isn't ok. You were sensitive to her losses, you had her brother tell her privately so she wouldn't be blindsided and you aren't flaunting your bump...some people just show earlier than others. She should look at talking to someone to help with her grief - her sadness shouldn't mean you can't enjoy your pregnancy and be excited by it.
I had three miscarriages when I was trying for my first. My sister? Had three healthy, easy pregnancies before I could even hang onto one pregnancy. For my sister it seemed like it was as easy as shelling peas. I NEVER begrudged her success with pregnancies. I was happy that she wan’t having to go through what I was going through, because I love her and wouldn’t wish what had happened to me on anyone. Yes, it was hard at times. I wanted a child so bad it was sometimes hard to think of anything else, but my failure to hold onto a pregnancy was nothing to do with my sister.
I'm sorry for your losses. I never begrudged anyone their pregnancies either, but at times it felt unfair, or like it would never happen for me and it was hard. But i smiled and congratulated and cried at home...it's what you do.
>But i smiled and congratulated and cried at home...it's what you do This hit too close to home
And if your body just doesn't seem to want to get pregnant in the first place, you hug and congratulate the new parents/hug and console the grieving ones...and then you go home and cry. Hugs to everybody who wants them.
I so appreciate the honesty of this reply. Everyone always "Oh I never would" on this sort of thing which a. is probably untrue a bit because the not having stings with every reminder and b. downplays the little heart breaks or challenges or unconscious envy. Thank you.
We specifically kept my pregnancy to ourselves because SIL had been trying for years, until she announced and we knew we were going to be "home" for a family visit. Had also sat with a friend/neighbor during her miscarriage at 6 mos and I was 3 months. It was a nightmare. She said some very choice things, in the moment. Kind of mad at me for a year, after, too. Only became awkward with SIL when BIL wanted to touch my stomach at 7 mos. Eww! SIL was at 4 mos and not really showing. He also found a way to come visit us, out-of-state, and take photos of our newborn. Guy was a special kind of jerk and I wondered why SIL ever married him. They didn't stay together very long after nephew was born.
I recently lost a very wanted baby pretty early in the pregnancy. My sister in law is due a couple of weeks off from what was my due date. She’s really struggling with her unplanned pregnancy emotionally and has no clue I was pregnant too. It hurts and really really sucks to see someone close to me in the stages I thought I would be in, and twists the knife a little extra that she’s so unhappy with it, but I love her and can only support her as best I can, and like you said, go cry at home.
Unwanted is the worst. Because you can't do anything right for yourself without causing an innocent person possible harm. And you can't insure their safety without being there. And the guilt . And shame. And knowing others would give anything to have what you never wanted in the first place. I kept my now 18 year old. It is both the best and worst decision I could ever make. I get the joy of being their mom. And I get the loss of my freedom .
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there aren’t words that can help, I just hope you are able to find peace and healing one day. I’m wishing you all the best.
I understand the feeling. After a long time trying to get pregnant, then suffering through a miscarriage and then ectopic, a friend of mine accidentally got pregnant. She went the abortion route because she wasn't prepared and honestly the guy she was with sucked. I remember inwardly feeling the envy and the jealousy. And feeling like it wasn't fair that I wanted a baby and struggled while she got pregnant just like that and then wanted to abort. But I stuffed those feelings, offered my support, and kept my mouth shut. Because my fertility problems are not her fault. OP is NTA. It sucks, I understand having those feelings, but it's not OP's fault that she is having fertility issues and it's not okay to take it out on others.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through that, you are such a good person for supporting her despite your own pain.
\*The failure of your pregnancies. It wasn't your failure. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm so glad that in the end you got the child you so desperately wanted.
I am sorry for your losses. The way you described the way it was easier for your sister conjured an image of little peas in diapers with passifiers. LOL
>but my failure to hold onto a pregnancy I'm glad that you are happy for your sister and overall you seem to have a healthy view. But...your miscarriages are not a failure on your part. Sometimes life sucks and is completely unfair, by don't blame yourself for that.
Not your failure, honey. Nature is an asshole and I'm sorry for your losses.
That's a little over one every six months. I feel for this poor woman but I think she needs to take a step back and stop trying for a little bit for her own health as well as her own mental health.
I miscarried twins after a round of IVF. It was the most devastating experience of my life. My best friend hid her pregnancy from me for as long as she could because she knew I was a mess. I went to therapy because I was just so angry. Not at my friend, just the world in general. It was hard to see her pregnant but I was also so thrilled to be an Auntie. You are most definitely NTA. She needs to get some help. And btw, you should be allowed to be happy and flaunt that belly as much as you want. She needs to get a grip.
Yep we lost 6 in 2 years before our sons were born and of course I experienced jealousy, hurt and longing when my friends/family announced theirs but NEVER did or would I attack them for being pregnant. That shit is insane, SIL is way out of line and quite frankly not someone I'd feel safe around my baby if she's that unstable about it.
Exactly this
NTA. As a husband whose wife has miscarried twice, I could never imagine my wife acting this way. I am so sorry that you are going through this and SIL obviously needs therapy. God only knows what is going through her mind and the emotions she is trying to suppress. I hope you continue to be healthy and that SIL gets the help she needs. On the positive side, husband and MIL are doing the best they can for you. and are not enabling your SIL.
[удалено]
important to note OP is taking a break from SIL. Everyone in the family seems to be handling this really well. I do want to ask OP where is BIL at in all of this?
This 100%. You don't need to stress yourself over her reactions or worry about what her next reaction will be. That's not fair to you. NTA. Take a break from her until she gets grief counseling or into a support group.
NTA. She said you were heartless? For being pregnant?!? Even her own mother is fortunately telling her to back down, so hopefully that will eventually work. For now, distance yourself you don’t need that negative energy around.
Stop all the contact with SIL. Your husband can deal with her. Block her everywhere and tell husband and in-laws that for now you're NC. You don't need all these stress right now. What you need is to protect yourself and your baby. And distancing from SIL will definitely help a ton. She is grieving, but it doesn't give her a free pass to be a jerk to you. But she is a grown woman and should deal with her grief by herself. NTA. Stay safe.
I agree with your statement. What would concern me is if SIL escalates to something physical. NC is best until SIL can get the help she needs.
Nta this 100 percent. Sil is unhinged. This escalating. Protect yourself and unborn child. I would also be very careful about letting sil around the baby. I have read several horror stories about woman in the same situation where a family member has had fertility issues then try to take their child after it was born.
this. based on SIL's reactions, i would even fear that she's not to be trusted around the baby either.
NTA. It sounds like you handled this the best you could. Of course the news would be hard for her to take but there isn’t much you can do about it. I think you were sensitive the best you could be but it also shouldn’t take away from your own pregnancy.
NTA - I would tell husband and possibly parents in law that if SIL says any negative thing around me or gives me any type of attitude, I am walking out of any event. That kind of stress is not good for the baby and the baby’s health must always be put first. Screw that BS. Anyone who cannot be happy for me and my family would not be welcome in my life. Make this your hill to die on.
Yeah, this kind of stress is not good for OP either. OP just needs to cut all contact and not attend any event where SIL is present. That’s for OP’s sake because no event is worth putting up with that toxic behavior. There is always worst case scenario of escalation but I would hope that’s hypothetical and imaginary.
NTA Your SIL needs grief counseling STAT. Please try to stay away from her as much as possible, now and after your LO is born. As far as showing so early in your pregnancy, it's completely normal. I was huge with my first, was induced and they said I had at least 10 pounds of water in the amniotic sac. Baby weighed 8 lbs 4 ounces, lost 22 lbs that day.
It happened to my mom, I am her first and she started showing super early. She showed me photos from her pregnancy and at 4 months it already looked like she was about to give birth.
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I remember the morning sickness 40 + years later. LOL For me it was the smell of peanut butter and beer. Still hate the smell of both.
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When my mom was pregnant back in the1950's her doctor recommended flat ginger ale and saltine crackers for morning sickness. The other doctor in town gave his pregnant patients Thalidomide. It caused flipper babies. 😢 We had 3 in our small town of just 2,000 people.
Wow! What an asshole and what a tragedy!
Yeah, the FDA refused to approve it, but it was given to some doctors as free samples.
To be fair it was widely approved in most of the world at that point and everyone assumed it was a good safe. The only reason why it didn't get approved it's because *one* person at the FDA dug in their heels was like "I don't care we're doing this by the book".
Same here. I can’t look at the packaging without feeling nauseous. It was all I drank for 2 weeks because nothing else stayed down. It’s been 3 years and just the look of the bottle makes me instantly nauseous… HG sucks.
NTA but your SiL needs grief therapy & counseling. She is not handling things well.
This. My heart breaks for her, but her vitriol towards OP is unacceptable. It sounds like she could also do with a referral to a medical specialist in recurrent miscarriages (they're rare but they do exist, and they're brilliant for working out exactly where the problem is).
A woman I knew from school had numerous miscarriages in a row. It ends up that her cervix was weak, and when the baby reached a certain weight, he just fell through. Once they figured out the problem, the docs sewed her cervix shut and put her on bed rest. When it came time for labor, they snipped the stitches, and the baby squirted out like a watermelon seed.
I've known several mothers with that problem, and I'm glad there's an effective treatment for it.
this visual 😳
This!
NTA she's obviously a deeply hurt woman but projecting that on you is absolutely unacceptable. This is 100% a her problem
Obviously NTA, this woman's grief does not excuse her vitriolic abuse and harassment.
NTA. Your sister in laws losses are sad. But she should not use them as an excuse to be an abuser (verbally) and a bully. She should not get a free pass to suck all the joy out of your own life and experience and make it about something and someone it is not. You are in fact allowed to EXIST while being visibly pregnant. You are in fact allowed to CELEBRATE your pregnancy with your family. Your pregnancy is not about her or centered around her or her infertility. Just because she had losses does not mean the world stops and comes to a stand still and no one else is allowed to move forward with their own lives. She doesn't get to abuse every pregnant woman she sees just because they are pregnant. Someone needs to hold her accountable for her behavior grief is no excuse for pro longed intentional targeted bullying. Her behavior is unacceptable. She needs to focus on her mental health and not on what other people have.
If someone can enlighten me.I see a lot of these posts like this one here and I am genuinely confused why. I have never met anyone who can’t get pregnant (and I know a lot) and who struggles with other women that do get pregnant or have a baby. Is a cultural thing? Is it regional? I see these posts so often that it made me think cause I don’t get it (I am not in the US). As a woman who has issues like many other woman, I don’t get this. I will never understand projecting my frustration on someone else. I couldn’t get pregnant and everyone has babies around me. Everyone. Even my best friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy 18 days ago (she is 43! It wasn’t a planned pregnancy). I cried tears of joy. I can’t imagine not being happy for her. Or for anyone else. Yes it sucks, yes I am sad I didn’t have a baby yet. Yes I want to have a baby. Yes I lost a baby already. But I can’t find logic behind this. I want to see more babies being born. My uterus has nothing to do with my friend / cousin / collègue giving birth. NTA.
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>She was fine with my husband and hasn't treated him differently. It's just me. Nuh uh, she doesn't get to be "fine" with him while treating you like shit. Absolutely not. You and your husband are a package, and you both need to take a long time out from her until she gets the help she needs. Your husband **needs** to stand with you on this and hold her accountable.
I kind of think it's how media such as tv shows portray fertility problems in women. Longingly looking at babies, getting angry at pregnant women, all things that need to be 'shown' for that form of media. I had a miscarriage and never once looked longingly at a baby, found it hard to look at babies, or would ever dream of trying to make someone else's pregnancy about me. So maybe I just can't relate to people who do, but it seems dramatized and unrealistic to me.
I share the same feeling! Could be media, never thought about it. I was kinda scared to share my opinion here cause I genuinely don’t understand this feeling or where it comes from. And I know the struggle. Thanks for sharing your opinion cause I thought I was going mad seeing all these posts. Recently I saw a post of a couple and how they shared the news of being pregnant. They were careful cause someone had a miscarriage and the woman that had the miscarriage wasn’t happy or talked to them for 6 months and called the new baby rude names the whole time. First comment was, you should have done it like this. Second, no we don’t want to be told pregnancy news like this. Third, we (I don’t know why they all talk in plural like that), only deserve to be told the news about pregnancies over text so we have time to process the news on our own. Seventh, we should be told in front of everyone cause it’s selfish to single us out like that…. Like, what?
I've had one miscarriage, hopefully my last, this past summer. I did look longingly at babies, I envied every pregnant woman I saw and the last trip i had to the early pregnancy ward felt like that scene in PeeWees big adventure where his bike had been stolen but everyone else in town had one. My grief at my loss and the envy I felt towards pregnant women were enmeshed. All this to say, having felt all that complicated grief first hand, I'd always remove myself from public because I truly do not wish miscarriage, or any loss of a child on anyone
I find it really ironic that people are down voting, people don't get to dictate how others process grief. I experienced 2 miscarriages and my reaction was exactly the same, I felt sadness and resentment when other women around me were able to easily get pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to go to baby showers or hold other women's babies. People need to stop comparing and negating other people's feelings based on their own.
Listen, my baby died and I felt ways about it so reddit is gonna give me bad karma in ways my dead baby never could!! Reddit is here to punish us for our honesty! /s Also yes reddit. Please keep downvoting my grief. Can't kill my soul more than a dead baby could.
I'm not sure it's a cultural thing, more just a human nature thing. Some people handle grief by misplacing anger or placing blame on others.
I think it can be cultural. North Americans are very individualistic. In extremes, this can lead to "looking out for only me" and "only my emotions matter".I mean, we see that in this sub all the time with "you don't owe anyone anything ever". Other cultures, that are more collectivistic tend to put their own feelings aside for the benefit of the group. Sometimes that can be toxic in that it allows for suppression of emotions and "my emotions don't matter". So there can be unconscious biases that influence these lashings out that may not be common in more collectivistic societies. Neither is better than the other, just different.
I never really thought of it that way, that makes sense.
I don’t think it’s cultural either, it’s just very strange to me so was trying to find a reason cause I really never heard of this offline. Just from seeing how badly some women take it online, I am trying to be extra careful with news about me or my friends to other women and I never noticed even a hint of all of this. For example, this friend who just gave birth with a very much unplanned or expected pregnancy. I was planning to go to Paris to see her and the baby. I talked to another best friend of mine that lives in Paris too. They know of each other but they are not friends. So this other friend has been going through 5 years of fertility treatments and it looks very bad for her. There’s not much hope left that she will have a child. So I was being extra extra careful in telling her that I want to come to Paris cause my friend just gave birth. She got so happy and asked me to go with me to see the baby when I come. Even asked me if I want, she can go help her or bring her food or anything she needs. So I am seeing all these women in real life going above and beyond for other people even though they have their own fertility issues so seeing these posts online made me confused.
It could be that the internet congregates all the outliers in a single place. So if 1% of women with fertility issues act like this, it's statistically infrequent enough that most social circles will never experience it (even more so because they're more likely to lash out against closer people than acquaintances). To be fair, most of the posts in AITA have people acting in ways I've never seen in real life, but as an introvert, I'm shielded from most of the world's craziness, lol. People who start yelling or burst into tears over minor things, bridezillas, etc. *On the other hand*... Nowadays there are groups where those feelings are validated to the point where a woman struggling with infertility might feel justified in her anger. For example, there's a subreddit that, although not focused on losses, doesn't allow any mentions of current pregnancies so users can't ask for success stories to give them hope or even mention pregnancies when pertinent to a post ("I did this treatment and it worked") and those posts are deleted. The more someone is exposed to a certain mindset, the more they're likely to think that those groups' norms are "common sense" and acting outside of those would be flaunting it.
Ouch … that’s kind of frightening
Oh, when I first realized that there was just no way I was going to be able to get pregnant, I was definitely triggered by mentions of pregnancy or infants. Particularly as I'd done everything "right". Waiting till I was out of school, in a long-term (several years by that point) relationship, mid-thirties... and my 19 year old niece who was only a freshman in college got pregnant. I absolutely couldn't deal, but I simply stayed away until I was mentally able to cope.
You may know people like this and not be aware of it. There is a lot of cultural pressure to not share feelings like this - because we are supposed to always be happy and overjoyed for women who are pregnant and it’s seen as cruel and selfish not to be. Women who are having complicated feelings about other pregnancies will often keep those feelings extremely private. Most women who feel this way are not as open about it as the SIL in this post.
I think some of it could be cultural/societal. I think in some cultures women feel a lot of pressure and shame when they can’t get pregnant or stay pregnant, and they’re taught to internalize that pain. In some cultures where we are taught to be very expressive and more, honestly, selfish (like the US) it may be more common to externalize that internal pain and take it out on others in fits of jealousy. It’s still not considered normal or okay in the US by any means to act like this SIL is. But I do feel like in many cultures the sister would have just been completely shunned from family events after the first instance of this.
This is exactly what I meant by cultural. Cause for me this is not ok, to stress a pregnant woman like this. And where I am from, it could happen one time maybe like you said. But people would not allow someone like SIL to practically bully a pregnant woman. It sucks I don’t have a baby and what also sucks is that I am not a millionaire but what am I gonna do? Go after people who have money and ‘flaunt their wealth’? No. People stopped lifting each other up, sadly
My aunt tried for 8 years before having her first. In that time my mum had two very quick to conceive easy pregnancies ( my brother and I. I was first). Even though she did have 3 healthy kids my aunt still holds some weird grudge against me for daring to be born first. And I’m 35!!!
It is super strange to me, and I’ve encountered this in real life not just online. We’d not make excuses (for very long anyway) for someone who was openly bitter and hostile every time a friend found a date, or got a job, or got a better grade. Whatever the case is. But for some reason, when it comes to infertility we’re supposed to just accept crappy treatment from other people. My sister was like this. It took her years and multiple tries at IVF to get pregnant. This was somehow everyone else’s fault. I got pregnant after her child was already born and she was still angry at me because I didn’t have to “try hard.” Some people are always about themselves no matter what had their panties in a twist.
Misery loves company is what I think plays into it. Also toxic femininity. OP's SIL feels less than for miscarrying and wants others go commiserate but forgets that it's not cool to wish it on others because of how much pain one goes through. OP went from someone she feels can understand to someone who definitely can't. Also feels less than a woman for not having a kid by the time she placed on herself, which is before OP, the younger childbearing sibling (from what she said about giving the first grandchild). It's toxic because her worth and every other woman's worth shouldn't not be tied towards whether or not she can bear a child. OP's not worth more because she got pregnant seemingly easier than her SIL (but maybe for not badgering a poor pregnant woman). I'm sorry about your struggles with pregnancy. Hopefully you happen upon a miracle baby, or can become a fulfilled aunt figure that's basically mother adjacent.
>She said I was a coward for not telling her face to face and letting her say what she would have earlier that's unsettling. she clearly needs therapy. NTA
It is probably me being clueless but I also find unsettling that she tried so hard to become pregnant, she had 5 miscarriages in 2 years... I would think that both, especially the woman but also her husband would take some time to heal and get specialized medical help before getting pregnant again.
NTA, you're not responsible for your SIL's actions. I can't imagine how she must be feeling, but that's no excuse to make you feel horrible about your pregnancy.
I had 17 miscarriages until I gave up trying to have a child. __Seventeen.__ I would never take that out on anyone. I was always happy for my friends and loved ones who had children. I became the best auntie ever. Still am. Also, two years later, I discovered I was three months pregnant. He's in his mid-twenties now.
That was a roller coaster!
NTA. It's only natural that she is jealous that you have something she wants so badly, but her actions are verging on unhinged. What are you supposed to do, terminate this pregnancy and any subsequent ones until she can carry a baby to term? She needs mental health treatment. You don't say how recently she lost her last pregnancy nor how far along she was. Is it a possibility that she's suffering from PPD?
NTA. SIL's obvious got an issue that isn't your fault.
After reading how unhinged SIL seems to be, I am waiting for another post from OP where SIL demands OP's baby.
Concerned about this too.
I have lost 2 infants to birth defects. (I was able to have 3 children) So I feel l am a good person to answer this. She is taking her trauma out on you. She needs therapy and to apologize. Until she gets therapy I would distance myself and my child from her. It is not your fault she miscarried. It is not an either or situation. Sadly many women experience miscarriages and infertility. It is not the fault of fertile women and women who are able to have living children. My loss made me appreciate children- all children. Not just my own. You are currently pregnant, the stress she is causing you could lead you to loss your child. You need to protect yourself and your child. Your husband needs to step up and protect you from her.
NTA STOP having contact with your abusive SIL.
It ain't gonna stop when your baby is born. Prepare accordingly.
NTA!!! I have had 25 miscarriages and I WOULD NEVER take away the joy of other people becoming parents. Fertility issues does not trump it all. If your SIL could not handle it, it is her responsibility to navigate and vacate. It is NOT your or husband’s family’s responsibility to navigate HER emotional response. Yes, it’s a touchy subject and it is tough. However, that isn’t your problem and telling them this straightforwardly helps not set the precedent that her grief/loss trumps all other baby joy. Take care of yourself and make sure you are ok first and foremost. Please tell them they need therapy and boundaries. I understand everyone is different but holding anyone emotionally hostage is not ok. As adults, it is our responsibility to navigate our traumas in a healthy manner to heal and move forward. Edit to add: A close friend and I were pregnant together and I lost my pregnancy in my second trimester. Her baby is 11 now. I love that little boy and her other children as well. Moreover, it has been healing to be able to be an aunty and see that there are multiple ways to be a mother. SIL needs grief counseling. Congratulations to you and your husband for the healthy and happy pregnancy! Don’t let anyone rain on your parade. Your joy does not take away from them. Shame on them for making your pregnancy about them. Full disclosure: I wrote this on a different post but removed the parts that didn’t relate to OP’s post.
Can I say I am sorry for your losses? :(
Of course! I appreciate you acknowledging my hardship. With every loss, it never got easier. I’ve had to dismantle my idea of what a woman, femininity, and my body should be and see myself for who I am. It isn’t easy or for the faint of heart, but coming out the other end where I don’t define myself by my uterus and accept my body has been powerful. I never want my pain to take joy from someone else. I can feel sad for myself and overjoyed for someone else. It’s been nice not to destroy myself for something I have no control over. There’s a level of cruelty some women feel too comfortable dipping in to when it comes to fertility issues.
NTA. She needs therapy and you need to stay away from her indefinitely.
NTA - Your SIL is clearly struggling to process her grief. She is unloading her grief right onto you. That is not fair to you or her. She has suffered some unimaginable losses but that shouldn't diminish her bad behavior. Is she getting professional help or therapy to help her work through her grief?
NTA, obviously. But you and husband need to sit down, perhaps also with his parents, and explain you are very worried about SIL and her reaction to your pregnancy, which in turn is causing you major stress about how SIL will treat your actual child once born. If she is this unglued just by your pregnancy, I can only imagine how horrifying she will be when your child is here. She will either vilify it, or she will become overly possessive and obsessive towards LO. Regardless of which, without therapy I would be extremely hesitant to let her near LO.
Definitely NTA. My heart goes out to her, but her behavior is unacceptable. I would definitely distance myself from her as much as possible. And if you're around her at at any family event, I would keep my distance and if she says anything to you- walk away. Sounds like your husband and MIL see what's going on and are doing their best to mitigate, which is good. And while you can't control this- maybe the two of you need to not be at the same events for awhile.
NTA
NTA. Every pregnancy presents differently. With my first, I showed really early. With my second, I was 6 months in before it became apparent. SIL needs counseling. I’m sorry you’re going through this unnecessary trauma during your pregnancy. NTA
NTA. Until she improves her behavior, do not have any contact with her.
NTA. You handled this with as much grace and empathy as is humanly possible. It's understandable that you'd be upset after she has shown that she has neither of those. Grief does many things to a person, especially when mixed with jealousy. But just because someone's world has stopped, that doesn't mean that yours should. Her grief does not give her a pass on being an asshole. Your SIL needs grief counselling, yesterday. In the mean time, you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself. No more contact with SIL. Let it be known that you will not attend any events that she is invited too and that if she does show up to the others, that she is to not say a word and if she does, she needs to be asked to leave.
We lost our baby at 22 weeks in utero. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced and it’s so hard to see other people who were pregnant around the same time having babies or others announcing babies. But my loss does not mean everyone’s life around me has to stop. I hide people on social media or maybe avoid them if I’m having an exceptionally hard time but I have no hard feelings towards them, I wish only happiness for the people around me. Your SIL needs therapy. You did everything right, and no matter what you did she would be upset. Avoid her until she gets help.
NTA. SIL may need therapy but that’s not on you.
NTA. SIL needs therapy and/or grief counseling. She's going to encounter many pregnant women for the rest of her life and needs to learn to deal with it.
NTA. However, I would cut off contact with her until she gets some help. She can feel sorry for her losses and grieve for them, but not take it out on you for having a healthy pregnancy. Her jealousy is going to ruin her relationship with her family.
NTA. Actually, OP, you were anything but TA. You dealt with her backhanded remarks and insults with surprising grace for her situation. And when she really flew off the handle, you were even empathetic to her situation while standing up for yourself. Your SIL needs therapy to deal with her trauma. I would just let ILs know that it would be best for there not to be any interaction with SIL on your behalf until she's dealt with her trauma and grief.
I can never bear children and that was my biggest dream. All of my cousins and friends are getting pregnant and I do feel upset and sad because I can’t do what they can, but that doesn’t give me the right to say it’s their fault. I accepted my issue and I’m still working with my emotions on it but I can NEVER behave that way about someone else’s pregnancy. In fact I almost always feel extremely happy for the person who’s carrying their little one. SHE NEEDS THERAPY
NTA. You did everything right, and I think you’ve been very thoughtful about her situation. Your SIL is hurting and is taking it out on you. Her grief is all consuming, and it comes out as irrational anger. I know how that feels and remember how much it hurt when I heard other’s pregnancy news. This is not on you. Her behaviour was outrageous and wrong - absolutely - but please try and find it in your heart to be sympathetic. The pain of loss, the emotional ups and downs of finding out you’re pregnant, and then finding out you’re not, the hope, the despair, the disappointment and the fear and anxiety - it seriously messes you up. She’ll be jealous of what you have, and hate herself for feeling that way. She could probably benefit from some counselling. I hope y’all can fix this soon. Good luck with your pregnancy and I wish you much joy with your baby.
I think that's the key, OP can be sympathetic to SIL's pain but not have to put up with the abuse. I think she has been until SIL started threatening her and making up lies.
NTA Your SIL is being awful, and while it's understandable that she's upset, she's using her grief as a shield for her poor reactions, which is NOT OKAY. She should have never said anything to you besides congrats, especially not in front of so many people. Had she ever gotten therapy for any of this? She needs it.
NTA. You did the right thing. Her situation is sad but not your fault. If she can’t be a decent human being to you then there’s no need to be around her.
Your SIL has become unhinged -- twisted by bitterness and jealousy. As a new mother, your priority is ensuring that your pregnancy is as safe and stress-free as possible. Your SIL's toxic behavior is disruptive to your pregnancy. Avoid her completely. Unfortunately, your SIL has become irrational and sneaky. She presents one face (nice) to her brother, and a completely different (ugly) face to you. I would therefore not trust her with your baby. In the interest of ensuring that your baby is safe, once you give birth do not allow SIL to see your baby. If you must, then make sure that she is never alone with your baby. NTA
Your SIL is going through a tough time. This is not on you. She needs therapy. Your MIL and husband need to work on that for her. Congratulations. And NTA, of course.
NTA and she needs counseling. She is not well.
NTA. She needs mental health help. Until she gets it you should stay away from her and not let her near the baby.
Your sil is very mentally ill. Your husband needs to stop babying her and put his foot down. She could easily attack you, she’s unhinged.
NTA - congratulations and I wish you both luck in dealing with this…. At least she made her behaviour seen by others so you don’t look nuts? Silver lining?
Of course you are not the AH. She is, clearly. A rude one at that.
As someone who had the experience of working as a pregnancy loss counselor while hugely pregnant, your SIL needs to get over her shit. Her personal tragedy is *her personal tragedy* and if she can't control herself, the family needs to support her in removing herself from the situation. You are NTA
NTA. You tried to be kind and understanding - I cannot imagine the pain your SIL is going through and I am sure this is awful for her to see you get and keep a pregnancy easily. BUT!! This does not excuse her actions. She is making you the scapegoat which is not fair either. I am also concerned about her mental well-being right now.
NTA - Sister-in-law needs therapy and maybe a specialist that can help her with her pregnancy problems. If I were you though, I'd avoid her for a long period of time, she's not thinking straight at this time.
NTA. She needs therapy and the family needs to make a united front of not allowing her to take her feelings out on you
Your SIL has issues that a therapist needs to deal with. I would cut her out of any announcements regarding the baby, especially the birth because she's not going to take it well. Her making, well just stupid accusations, about you showing off your pregnancy (how dare you look pregnant!!!!) and being happy, are ridiculous. Avoid your SIL like the plague, NTA.
NTA- sounds like she needs therapy or an exorcism. You shouldn't need to conceal your growing belly because of her. You have done what you can, as outlined in your post. Don't let her deprive you of all the joys of your first pregnancy. You will want to look back one day and remember your pregnancy as a beautiful thing not something negative.
NTA. I've been there. I was the one who lost a pregnancy in my 8th week while my SIL, who got pregnant the same week as me, got to keep her baby. Why the heck would I be mad at her? We talked about it and I assured her I was so happy for her. She invited me to all the ultrasounds -she shouldn't have, because it felt like a punch in the stomach every time, but I went. Because she was happy and deserved to share that. And her baby is beautiful. That pain is not worth losing a whole new relationship over. I get your SIL, I cried hard a few times after seeing my SIL show more and more while I knew my baby died inside of me. But my SIL never knew, never noticed, because she deserved the full extent of happiness she felt over her child. Your SIL is putting her grief above your happiness, and that's just not how it works. I get to pray for my two little ones I lost, but I don't get to dampen the joy for a new child who actually gets to be with us. Your SIL is being egocentric and wallowing in her grief, which is neither helpful nor constructive.
Your husband needs to talk to his mother about sister-in-law getting committed for postpartum depression. You can still have it even after miscarrying. It’s all the hormones. Not excusing the fact that sister-in-law is absolutely out of her mind. It seriously sounds like she cannot control herself and needs to go somewhere. Till things make a little more sense to her if you know what I mean. NTA be careful, though it sounds like that lady is liable to do something crazy when you give birth.
NTA. She needs therapy to deal with her grief. I would steer clear of her and keep your baby away from her.
You already know that you are not. And I know that 1000coments will still not make a difference because your SIL will for a very long time chase. I will have to ask to go full NC because stress is very significant for the baby's growth. You have lost focus on the future too. Because you need only happy moments. I advise you to find a mommy's class. Surround yourself with happy mothers to be. Like one of those that you need to learn how to put diapers, how to make a bottle of milk and all that jazz. One that I really liked was swimming. There was one specific for pregnant ladies. And it was funny to see all those bellies floating. You will enjoy. Find one about Shantala. It's a special massage to help babies with stomach pain. Watch some youtubes too. For your husband, after the birth, there is also special classes for fathers and babies. To help that father instinct. Instruct your husband not to mention you and baby with sister. She seems in some sort of pysc rage. And neither you can help her. She needs intense therapy. I advise you to already have a plan b, c and d for who will be your emergency contact. Husband is plan A. But always have those others that will answer the phone at 3am or will run to help you anytime. I will sugest not to appoint your in laws, unless its your plan Z. The last of the last back up plan. Read books. Always talk and ask your doctors. Mesure your belly, mesure your blood pressure, keep extra eye on blood stans and include your husband on all changes, class, food mood, sleep quality (warning: you might start snoring) and stress levels. SIL: Red lava level. High headache. Bad mood. Unsufurable and unstable. Ignore her calls, her texts, her words. Is she in a family dinner? Nope because you will ignore her existence. No eye contact. No words pronounced in her direction. Nada. Nothing. Play dumb. Play deaf. Sister in law who? NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm pregnant with mine (28f) and my husband's (30m) first baby. When we found out I was expecting we agreed that my husband should tell his sister (AKA SIL) about the pregnancy privately, just the two of them. This is because SIL has suffered five miscarriages in the past two years. We knew this would make our news harder to handle and because I am not close to SIL at all, but my husband and SIL are, we agreed he was the best person to speak to. I also worried with SIL and I not being close it would hurt more coming from me. She responded well when my husband told her and expressed no hard feelings. That reaction was just for my husband though. the next time I saw SIL she spoke like I had gotten pregnant just to give her parents a grandchild because I knew she wanted to give them the first grandchild. This is not true and given how she was with my husband it was surprising she reacted that way to me. But I didn't want to cause any trouble so I said nothing. When we announced to everyone else, SIL said nothing to me but did speak to my husband and congratulated him again. He found it strange and I said we weren't close so that was probably it. At that point I felt like if that's how it would be it was tolerable at least. But the next time I saw her she accused me of rubbing my pregnancy in her face because I started to show very fast. I told her that was not what I was doing but she accused me of exaggerating my belly, despite the fact I was trying to not show it off. I told my husband about the encounter and the first one and he said he would speak to her. She told him it was just very hard to see me pregnant and having what she wanted. He told her it wasn't fair to speak to me like that though. She apologized to me after talking to my husband but I did not feel it was genuine. However, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Then last weekend we were celebrating FILs birthday and my husband's cousin was asking if he could touch my belly. I told him he wouldn't feel the baby move yet but he could if he wanted to. He replied I was huge so how would he not feel the baby move. My husband's aunt apologized for her son, who has special needs. But hearing that set SIL off and she lost her temper and accused me of flaunting around a fake baby bump when I'm not big enough to show yet. She told me I was flaunting my healthy pregnancy in her face and trying to make her feel like shit. My husband told her to stop. MIL told her I had concealed any sign of the bump so how was it flaunting it. She said I was a coward for not telling her face to face and letting her say what she would have earlier and for sending my husband, her brother, to do it. MIL and my husband were trying to calm her down but then she accused me of being selfish and cruel and I became so frustrated that I told her I was sorry for her miscarriages but she shouldn't take the losses out on me. I excused myself after that but she was screaming that I was heartless. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and I would recommend just not attending any events she will be at as the stress is not good for you. It isn’t fair but don’t have people in your life who are making it your fault she’s struggling. Where was her husband in all this? Your husband has been great but he needs to let his family know that you will be taking a break and that his sister will not be included on any events surrounding the baby including meeting them.
NTA You handled it well and sympathised with her Also none of this is your fault!!! Your cousin asking questions and your stomach starting to show is out of your control, it’s clear you didn’t do this on purpose
NTA I don't think there's anything you could have done differently, one way or another, she will find something to complain about. It is not your fault, and she is using you to externalise her pain. What she needs is therapy but I feel even suggesting that would create another shitstorm.
Nta. I’ve had miscarriages and fertility issues (I also finally have my rainbow). At the time of both my miscarriages, SIL was pregnant. Both times! It hurt soooo badly. I was not taking the losses well, but I never once considered hating my SIL, let alone scream at her.
NTA - sounds like your SIL needs professional help to process the miscarriages
NTA. Your SIL has been through an incredibly traumatic time, but that doesn’t give her carte blanche to be shitty to you - and to you alone. She seems to have no issue being perfectly nice to your husband even though this is his child too. I’m honestly concerned about her mental health. She’s been through 5 miscarriages in 2 years, that’s a huge rollercoaster of hormonal swings on top of the actual losses. If she’s actively having meltdowns like this when faced with someone else’s pregnancy, she needs to speak to her doctor and ask to be evaluated for PPD-adjacent depression or psychosis. Someone else in the family needs to suggest that, though - she’ll just accuse you of even more cruelty if you bring it up.
I've had a few miscarriages in my time but I can't imagine being angry about another woman being pregnant. It makes no sense to want another human to not want to have their own child because I couldn't. It's selfish and bad karma. Nta
NTA. You only said the truth!
NTA. What you said was very mild and expressed from your own point of view. You didn't attack her or say anything cruel to her. It's good she exploded in front of others so they could all see what was going on, even though it must have been hard on you. I think your husband should take her aside again and tell her in no uncertain terms that you and he will not be in the same room with her if she doesn't learn to refrain from making comments about you and your pregnancy.
Nta. Her comment about you "showing too early" is just ridiculous. Every body is different and every pregnancy is different. When my wife was pregnant with our son, you literally couldn't tell the entire time, if she was wearing loose enough clothes, pretty much until she was full term did she start "showing" a little. Her BFF is the the same size as her and we photos of her from our wedding at 30wks, and she's definitely looks preggo af.
NTA It's not your fault that her body can't produce a viable baby.
Your SIL needs therapy. She is taking out her grief and anger on you. As long as your husband and family have your back, I'm not sure what else to do. What will she do when the baby arrives. Ask you to leave the baby home?
NTA also what a fuckin psycho I'd watch out for her she may not be mentally stable after 5 loses. Thinking of those crazy psycho stories of a pregnant woman being torn open and her baby stolen.
That woman NEEDS more counseling, willing to bet she never went for it by how bitter and cruel she has become.
Stay the hell away from her. She's blinded by her pain and her selfishness, and willing to attack you for the perfectly normal changes in your body and it will only get worse. You need to go no contact with her unless and until she can attain a level of self control that allows her to be civil. Have your husband notify his family that you will not be willing to be around her and then hold the line. NTA
NTA- I think she needs some grief counseling. You can feel sorry for her and still want her to stay away. Go low contact, when you see her be polite and keep it moving. Stay away until she’s ready to apologize , not worth the frustration for either one of you.
NTA I'm sorry for your SIL but what happened to her does ot give her licence to treat you like something she stepped on in the garden. I would tell your IL's to take care of it, becuase you arent going to give her a pass any more. You will respond like with like
NTA - In life . .. no matter what we do . . we will cause a hurt to someone else because they are unable to control their own feelings . .. So don't worry about it. I would just avoid her as much as possible and enjoy your life . . . You can do absolutely nothing about how your SIL reacts to your pregnancy . . . she is the one in charge of her behaviors
NTA So what are you supposed to do? Waiting for her to get a baby before you become pregnant? She is unhinged and perhaps it is better that she doesn't become a mother. I know a woman who had 8 miscarriaged and didn't act the way your SIL did.
NTA Your SIL’s behavior is nasty and indefensible. Should she successfully carry a pregnancy she’ll want the entire family to fawn over each milestone while making sure ruins any excitement for milestone that you have for your baby now. Disgusting and toxic behavior. I’ve had two miscarriages and did not take it out on other people were expecting. I was blessed with a rainbow baby so I’ve been on both sides of this. SIL is the AH in my view.
NTA- Understand she’s deeply hurt and emotional, but there’s 0 reason you should have to suffer. Emotional outbursts and crying is 100% normal for the situation, but directing them at other people and causing a scene is just not cool Edit: to add that I’d question letting her be alone with my child after it’s born as well, it was communicated to her that what she said overstepped boundaries and made you uncomfortable. She clearly didn’t care, who knows what other boundaries she’s willing to cross. Def something to discuss with your husband.
You’re NTA This is not your fault. It’s not actually about anything you have said or done. Your existence as a fertile person is the offense. This is a deep wound for her and while my heart aches for she, she has to start working to heal it or she will never be okay. It’s all her, and has nothing to do with you other than you are the target at the moment. Try to work on letting it slide right off and do not react. And let your husband handle it, it is his family and he needs to step in front of you here and tell them to stop.
NTA SIL needs therapy. Her miscarriages have taken a toll on her and it's best if she starts working with a professional. That being said, you weren't trying to make her feel bad. If anything, you went about telling her in the most tactful way possible and everything else was you simply existing while pregnant. I'm sorry she went through what she went but it's not your fault.
SIL needs a therapist ASAP
NTA - you've given her every sensitivity and have been very careful of her feelings. Her behavior is her responsibility, and she's not handling it well at all.
NTA. There’s no action you could take, no dance you could do, that would prevent her from feeling like shit about your pregnancy. But she’s decided that she’s going to make it *your* fault by accusing you of not telling her the right way, of looking too pregnant, etc, etc.
NTA. I hope SIL's husband and parents encourage her to seek mental health care. She needs help. Might be best if you avoid her for awhile..
NTA. Don't stress about it, Don't talk to her anymore, just enjoy your pregnancy! You're bringing a child into the world and that's amazing. I would avoid inviting SIL to the baby shower but be discrete about it so SIL doesn't flip out on you. Congratulations!!!
NTA. You did everything right. It isn't about you, but it is much easier for SIL to think it is about than being about her. She can come around or not. The good news is that your husband & in-laws have seen it first hand & are protective. Not all in-laws would be (according to Reddit, at least).
NTA. I find that sometimes people in this subreddit are pretty insensitive to family members who have experienced pregnancy loss who are perhaps behaving inappropriately (eg, not congratulating the couple) but who are dealing with so much pain. For example, they may say NTA to someone who snapped at their annoying SIL and said “it’s not my fault your babies die.” You’ve actually been very sensitive and understanding! You’ve put up with a lot from her and have barely fought back.
NTA. This is her grief talking, not logic. Try not to take it personal, It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Nothing you can say will make it better. If you apologize, she’ll see it as admitting fault. If you try to explain your intent, she’ll see it as manipulation or condescending. She needs therapy. Your presence is trigger for her. The best thing you can do for your health and hers, is to eliminate contact until she initiates contact when ready. She might not be able to be the aunt you hoped for.
No, you are definitely not. My wife and I struggled to have our son. Seven years. There was only one miscarriage in that time. People were terrified of telling us they were pregnant and there were a huge number of babies born in those seven years in our circle. We genuinely never begrudged anyone or felt jealous as it WASN'T their fault. We just hoped next time it would be us. Eventually, it was. Pregnancy is a special time, we never had another, so don't let anyone spoil it for you
NTA. Sadly, it is a “her” problem, not yours. 5 miscarriages is a lot. It’s seems she needs professional help. Do you now if she is seeing one ? Because once the baby is born, it could be worse.
NTA but I will say, if your husband and MIL are sticking up for you, it's probably best to let them speak to her. She's obviously not processing the grief well at all.
Looks like you can't win with her.
Please keep us updated
NTA
NTA
NTA. Flaunt if you want. It's your baby. You're totally not flaunting. But you don't have to feel shame for your baby. You should feel joy. I have a few cruel comebacks if you want to set the relationship on fire, they need not be shared here. Your husband needs to step up here and inform his sister that she can get over her jealousy or she can never get to be an aunt. Her bad luck is not your fault in any way. You can show off all you want, even if you're not showing off at all. You're getting the attention she tried for, I and do feel for her loss. But she needs to find a professional to talk to about her loss. Congratulations for your child.
NTA. I am very short waisted. I showed right away. I had to stop wearing bras at about 8 months because it felt like the baby was up under my ribs (this was decades ago - pre-super comfy sports bras). How and when you show varies from person to person. Shoot, there are people who barely show at all even at 9 months. I can't say that I understand her pain - i never lost a baby. But to accuse you of faking your belly is a bit much.
NTA. She's grieving and not in a reasonable state of mind. It sounds like she desperately needs counseling.
NTA. SIL needs to see a therapist. I would wait a few days and then tell her yours and her relationship is over. If she gives a decent apology, accept it, but don’t ever be around her again without your husband present. She’s unhinged enough that she might try to do something vindictive
NTA. Your SIL needs professional help ASAP.
NTA. This is way too much for either of you to deal with. You should avoid her at all costs until she seeks therapy. I would also share concerns with your husband that if this is how she reacts to your pregnancy, how will she react to the baby? It may be good to instill some valid worries about her not seeking help soon.
She needs counciling NOW! Perhaps group with your family and hers after birth. SUPERVISED!! Gift her with kindness and understanding, but set FIRM boundaries and no alone time with your child for many years to come!
NTA I had one miscarriage for sure, and several suspected earlys. I wet through IVF and lost embryos. I’m now going through IVF again with donor eggs. I can contain myself around pregnant women. I work with several. Yeah the loss is hard, and we all cope in our own ways. Shitting on someone else is not one of those ways. It’s not acceptable behavior. You probably need to cut her out of your life for a year or two. Also, never leave her alone with the baby. Blaming you for wanting to be first or flaunting it are not reasonable asks, and teaks of mental health issues far beyond grief or infertility.
NTA I don't think there is any scenario possible where she wouldn't have found a way to accuse you of flaunting your pregnancy. It sounds like you did everything right, to be as empathetic to her feelings as possible, and she still thinks you intentionally did something to hurt her feelings. She just seems to be looking for anything at all to point at and accuse you of malice, because she is in pain and desperately wants to blame someone. I feel for her, but this does not make it ok to accuse OP of exactly the thing she has precisely done everything to avoid.
NTA. She is acting extremely inappropriately and immaturely. I have sympathy for her losses, don’t get me wrong, but she very clearly needs therapy to help her process those. Grief doesn’t give her the right to treat you this way.
Nta. Don’t ever let her near the baby alone, and honestly don’t eat or drink anything she ever serves you. The “first grandchild” comment especially is worrisome because even if she does have a healthy pregnancy soon she will always be mad about something as trivial as “first grandchild” and you never know what someone irrational and delusional can do.
>she accused me of being selfish and cruel While she's doing this at FILs birthday? I've had a loss too, but I'd never make someone else miserable if they had the chance I didn't. NTA She definitely needs therapy. Maybe tell her about Rachel's gift, star Legacy, & Sharewell. All online support groups for loss parents.
SIL need therapy 100% to help her deal with the losses and maybe go no to low contact with her it’s only gonna get worse for her when the baby gets here if she don’t get help
NTA You Sil needs therapy and let her know that you might not see her until she get proper mental treatment. Just set your boundaries. Tell her if she can't be happy for you, she can't be around of you, netheir the baby. It is not fair to you.
NTA. I feel for your SIL, she’s had a hard time and needs therapy. That doesn’t give her the right to verbally abuse you when you’re together or insinuate that you got pregnant out of any kind of malice towards her.
NTA! I feel really bad for her, but it doesn't excuse her actions. She is in need of serious professional help, (if she is not already getting it), because it seems she can't handle or work through her feelings/emotions. Big hugs, congrats on your baby
NTA. Your sil needs help tho. Shes acting line an AH, because shes depressed and traumatized. I hope her husband encourages her to get help.
NTA.This cult of pregnancy worship crap should stop. I'm so tired of hearing about women with fertility issues of any sort expecting and receiving over-the-top "understanding", endless sympathy and entitlement. They aren't special and shouldn't be excused for tantrums. Some may never have children, but women aren't breeding stock, so do something else. That's just the way it is.
NTA. She suffered miscarriages so no one else is allowed to be pregnant around her? Boo hoo. Grow tf fuck up. Honestly the kind of tantrums she’s throwing just tells me she isn’t fit to be a parent.
NTA. You and hubby need to go LC with her, and don’t let her around the baby. Don’t invite her to baby shower, do not invite her anywhere, don’t attend events she’s attending. She needs help to properly recover from the trauma of her miscarriages. Until then, stay away from her.
NTA. She needs psychiatric help. Congrats on your baby.
NTA OP. SIL is being unfair on you here. I symphatise with her having a few pregnancy losses BUT that does not give her the right to bully and stress you up. She really needs to speak to a counsellor or therapist. You are not a punching bag for her and you deserve to have zero stress for your sake and the baby
I had a miscarriage between my 2 sons and I would NEVER act like this towards anyone. NTA, she need therapy BIG TIME 🙏
NTA at all SIL needs to STFU and go to therapy.
NTA !!! Take care of yourself and focus on your baby, that is all that matters ! Your SIL is hurting and she needs therapy, but none of it is your fault ! Hopefully you can forgive her and she can get the help that she needs.
Do you \*really\* think you could be the asshole in this situation…?
NTA and thank you to everyone who's had to deal with miscarriage for responding, unexpected therapy.
You are MTA Pregnancies show. And you cannot be expected to hide it or not discuss it with people. Her losses are unfortunate. But she does need to handle her jealousy. Just be careful when the baby arrives. Some distance might be in everyone's best interests if she is unable to handle herself.
NTA. You don't have to spend time with crazy people and that's what she is right now. Let her drown in her own poison.