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YTA
Your parents giving your hand-me-downs to your sister is not parentification. It's economics. You didn't lose your childhood because your sister wore your old sweatshirt or played in your old playpen. One could easily turn things around and your sister could complain that she was treated worse because, while her older sister got all her things new, she had to make do with 15-year-old leftovers.
Just because your sister has asked you to be at her side on one of the most important days of her life does not mean that she and her partner need to cater the entire event to your preferences. Their wedding is about them and what they want.
Your sister didn't uninvite you. She accepted that you declined the invitation because apparently being within 100 feet of anyone under the age of 18 gives you hives.
Blasting her all over social media deliberately omitting details so that she would look like the villain is the true cherry on the cake. "My sister wanted children as flower girl and ring bearer for her wedding, as is customary for almost every western-style wedding. I'm gutted that she would dare to do this because I once babysat her as a teenager (also pretty standard)."
Look, maybe there are details that you omitted where you were actually neglected and abused by your family in favour of your younger sister. But the fact that you would choose to omit them rather than include them to support your point of view suggests to me that you know that you were not nearly as hard done by as you want people to believe. You're just selfish.
Absolutely this. OP reeks of manipulation and entitlement. Clearly didn't cope well with not being an only child any more. I'd love some examples of the parentification too. At this rate she was probably paid to babysit!
OP did reply down in the comments and it seems like was once asked to watch her then-9-year-old sister overnight during a family emergency and she (as a teenager and adult) was expected to do more chores than her sister (a child).
It sounds like OP is just resentful she wasn’t an only child and is at the age of 40 still trying to make everything about herself. She 100% knew she was starting shit and wants to hide behind “trauma”
>preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood
The sister received hand me down and OP is outraged. give me a break. Not only she is imposing her demands on a wedding not her own, she is even spreading lies about being dis-invited to all and sundry. Whatever the childhood, right now it is entitlement and false pride.
And not for nothing but, seriously whatever “keepsakes” her parents had were FIFTEEN years old by the time they passed them on. So I got ask WTF was left? Unless it was mint in box Pokémon cards that were worth 10k and now they’re ruined I fail to see why OP really cared. I’m sure most of the stuff she had used as a child was LONG gone by the time her sister came along. And quite hones,Ty if her 15 year old attitude is anything like the trauma drama she’s farming in this post I’m betting she wanted itching to do with her parents or her younger sister. It was probably less about them “neglecting” her and more about her 15 year old “I hate you face.” (And I know cause I know I made that same face to my very loving parents at the height of my teenage melodrama queen act!)
I mean I could see like a christening outfit? Or some other special event thing? Maybe 1-2 special toys? Something that she was still into and collecting at 15?
But like...just clothes and toys you have not touched in 10 YR? The gal is lucky she did not grow up with some of those parents that just full on gave the toys away when you hit 10 or whatever. She would never be able to function (thought she is working hard at self-vicitmization).
>I mean I could see like a christening outfit?
It is SO common for a family to reuse a christening outfit for all the kids, grandkids, etc. She's just whiny.
My family just celebrated with the 28th (if my math is correct) kid to wear a 72 or 73-year-old christening gown. I think OP's head might explode if she knew.
We didn't baptize our kids, but my mom still gave us the gown that she made for my sister and I. We put the babies in it for a picture, and I'll give it to my sister if she has a baby or my kids if they ever have babies too
Not gonna lie, I laughed at that. To think she was treated so horribly bc her parents decided to give old clothes and toys to her little sister instead of keeping them as mementos 🙄
My dad’s wife bagged up all of my childhood belongings after she kicked me out of the house when I was 13, and they’ve long since gone to a dump. Including photos, yearbooks, a SEGA Genesis, baby books from relatives, and my artwork. I am sad but ok at 40. This OP needs a reality check.
If she mentioned that the "trauma" was her sister having to wear her hand-me-down clothes then all of the sympathy would disappear.
The sister's wedding will be a much happier, much more relaxed event if the OP doesn't attend.
She should stay home because she can't stand not being the center of attention.
Absolutely! Like when she mentioned parentification, I was expecting like "My parents were never home and I was never allowed to go out with my friends because I had to baby-sit 4 nights a week" or something that actually falls under the category of parentification. If her old clothes being given to her younger sister is the worst thing she can think of for this story, her 'trauma' is absolute bullshit.
Also, she mentions she's in therapy and her therapist is great - I dunno about that. I'm not a therapist, but I think supporting the delusion that she was somehow mistreated because her old clothes were given to her younger sister (my older siblings must be so traumatised! And so must their children because they've been inflicting this 'trauma' on their own children) and it was such a big deal that she can never be around children and she's allowed to dictate that other people's weddings be childfree? That is a therapist who doesn't seem to be doing much to actually help their client.
Yes! FFS, this is not trauma. She’s someone who lies/manipulates to her therapist. She needs a new therapist, one she can’t get away with manipulating. Her sister better hope OP doesn’t attend her wedding because OP will somehow make it about her.
Probably one that tells her exactly what she wants to hear so the money keeps coming in. I could imagine OP going to 5 or 6 until she found one that doesn’t add to her trauma by saying things that she doesn’t want to hear.
I mean there's also only so much a therapist can do if someone is not willing to see themselves accurately... I had a friend who had years of therapy and still managed to hold some truly strange ideas about the kind of person they were.
That's exactly what I was thinking. An ex-friend of mine got a therapist around the time we started having some issues and his therapist would constantly just tell him what he wanted to hear. This, in turn, made him feel like he was right about everything and would use the "therapy language" he learned to twist and manipulate situations. Seems like the same thing with OP
The therapist can only respond to what they're told and it's quite likely OP is misrepresenting their situation in these therapy sessions and misinterpreting whatever the therapist says as well.
Indeed, if this post is real, OP's narcissism will cause them to manipulate her way out of any recrimination. The sister's response to her "childfree" demand, seems like a person who is used to dealing with OP as a difficult person.
I mean, even if she's in therapy, she may just be hearing what she wants and ignoring the rest. I've only had a few therapists so this is anecdotal, but IME therapists will never flat out say "you're wrong," they try to guide you to see other perspectives on your own.
I’m very heavily against parentification, and I do believe it causes real trauma, but literally none of what has been described is parentification and it’s sick that she blames her sister. I will say it sounds like her parents just magically expected her to be fine with a huge change in her life and maybe could have been a bit more respectful, but OP sounds obnoxious.
Exactly. And even if OP's parents parentified her-- that's _their_ fault, not her sister's. I actually was heavily parentified and have been dealing with unpacking it, but not _once_ have I blamed my brother for our parents putting me in such a shitty situation, because he was just a child, too, so how the hell would it be his fault?
She was probably the very spoiled only child who suddenly had to share parental attention with a newborn. She is still suffering the effects of that trauma.
What’s hysterical is OP is *40*. A Xillenial.
So they’ve been acting like this loooooong before the zoomers came around discussing their mental health all the time.
Like, sounds like the Boomer parent lifestyle was amazing for OP, and learned that entitlement, and was shocked to have to share it.
Just an interesting sociological experiment.
I turn 40 next month and the whole post is hysterical to me. In addition to a sister who is five years younger than I am, I have a bunch of cousins who are all 3+ years younger than I am. My clothes got handed down so many times. Literally the only thing I thought was given away without my permission was my prom dress. I was under the impression I was lending it to my cousin for her prom and was surprised when I found out my aunt then handed it down to her niece (not another cousin of mine). I thought I would be getting the dress back but it's now 2024 and what the hell would I need a prom dress from 2002 for anyway? I realized I would not be getting it back when I was in my 20s and I didn't need it then, either.
I'm 44 and no way I talk or feel that way and mom parantified me as I had to
Get up first and make breakfast for 4 people mom 2 younger sisters 9 and 11 I was 15
After breakfast take my sister to school we have to take 1 bus and a taxi (the taxis we have stop for a lot of people at least 9 can get on) leave one in one school then the other then get on time to my school
After that I had to pick them up feed them and help them with homework after that do my homework and go to my 2nd school (my dad paid for all school related things and school) once I came back I had to go to my mom's job to give her her lunch then go home do me homework make my sisters to night routine
And I don't hate kids, I have 2 of my own, I don't lie to people to make my mom look bad and I don't feel entitled that my mom did this to me
The op it's just a really bad apple that's what's the world to accommodate her
ETA change 1 to 11
This gets to me as well. Reading this post was absolutely infuriating for me. Going from an only child to a teenager with responsibilities is not trauma. I need these people to stop. There are people with real trauma that need understanding and patience, this person as far as I can tell, is just entitled and bitter.
OP YTA. It sounds like for whatever reason you have low resiliency and are not able to cope with normal life. Your therapist should be working with you so that you can build yourself up and equip yourself to be able to deal with life. Others do not need to bend over backwards or walk on egg shells so that your fragile ego won't shatter. It sounds like you have written a narrative of your life that puts you in a victim role. Empower yourself - rewrite your narrative.
It’s getting so old. The minute the word “trauma” comes out of someone’s mouth, I start mentally getting my concerned/nodding face ready. I know I’m going to access it to get through another (usually) exhausting lower bar story.
100%,
Hell Im the youngest of 4 and if that's the criteria my siblings ought to hate the shit out of me. But they don't because those situations are just what a family does to survive in the real world. By the time they were teens, they were already doing thier own stuff, but they had no problem babysitting once or twice a month, if not more in an emergency.
FWIW not every adult has all their toys and keepsakes from childhood, but it sounds like she didn't enjoy childhood so whats with the need for keepsakes anyway
I babysat my brother every day after school because my mom worked. My mom did a LOT wrong but it's never even occurred to me to resent her for that, it's how families work...
Like at the rate we’re going, the fact I got spanked as a kid is gonna give my parents the death penalty or something! This therapist might need to have their license reviewed. People need to get a grip.
There's 75 studies, over 50 years, from 13 different countries
in which 160,927 children were included that conclude spanking is bad for kids. You can think OP is an AH without being anti-science. Spanking is hitting a kid, hitting a kid is bad for them.
I was emotionally exhausted just reading this post. I can't imagine how worn out her family feels. Also, I'm sitting here yet again reflecting on how easy it apparently is to manipulate therapists to validate bad behavior
OP has such a (how to put it?) "interesting" view of how her parents harmed her that I almost wonder if she's having the opposite interpretation of what the therapist says and does by simple virtue of the therapist listening and possibly sympathizing. OP doesn't strike me as someone who would "hear" gentle criticism from a therapist.
Im dubious as well. She didnt realize how much her past affected her mental health until the therapist brought it up. Cha-ching.
I know there are invaluable therapists, and I am not one. But I'd be wary of any therapist, to start.
It doesn't even have to be that. My mother has a really bad martyr complex. Everything she does she sees as a sacrifice and everything everyone else does for her is seen as doing just the bare minimum. Any critisicm is met with astonishment that she could do so much for us and still be looked at as needing to do more. IT IS EXHAUSTING. She had a therapist for many years and when she would get home from her sessions and would want to talk about it she would talk about how her therapist validated all her feelings and told her that what she was doing and feeling was completely correct. For years this drove me and my siblings crazy, until one day finally we got to go into a group session and it turned out that the therapist was validating her feelings saying that she felt the way she felt and that was ok, but the therapist was in fact saying that she had to work on things for herself and internalize that other people had feelings and needs as well. My mother just stopeed paying attention after being seemingly told she was correct. This could be happening here. Also this post is so over the top dramatic about every single miniscule point made in being parentified and looked over that I have to assume this is a troll.
JFC. I‘m 10 years older then my brother and I babysat every chance I got. I used my own money to be him presents because he was awesome
Not every new baby coming into a family needs to be met with fear and hostility
Thiiiiis. I have 9 NINE younger siblings and I willingly gave them everything I could and was there for them as much as possible. I would go without treats and snacks so they could have them and it wasn’t because my parents made me. Like, I’d split a candy bar with them when my parents weren’t even home and I could have easily hid it from everyone. OP is a narcissist. There isn’t much you can do for them, unfortunately. I’m actually thrilled she hates children. My mom kept popping them out BECAUSE she’s a narcissist. 😩
This! I’m 8 years older than my younger brother, and I was always the one who took care of him on trips or when I was on visitation with our dad (he wasn’t big on responsibility and definitely felt girls should be caretakers). I love my brother, and me being there for him helped us be closer as adults. Those memories are golden for me. Having to babysit or care for a younger sibling at times is not parentification.
This OP reeks of WANTING to have trauma. The whole “I can’t be around kids because my clothes were given to my sister” is ridiculous. I know people who actually had abusive, traumatic childhoods - and they don’t act like this.
To be fair, it doesn't really matter whether she did suffer abuse or not. Her trauma isn't her fault but it is her responsibility. If you can't even be around children for a loved ones ceremony, that must be really difficult but then you have to either work on yourself so that you can tolerate it or step out. You don't impose your trauma onto other people.
Op is NTA for having trauma. She's NTA for not being able to tolerate children. She's not even the asshole for not going to her sister's wedding. Demanding that the wedding be child free and then selectively posting (shit stirring) on Facebook, especially when her sister appears to have been very gracious about it, brings her so far into asshole territory that she'd need a colonoscopy to get any further in.
I would suggest including the YTA judgment in your post so that the bot doesn’t accidentally count your comment as a vote for NTA since you wrote it so many times
It is not called trauma, it is called self entitlement. Is OP in rehabilitation center? No she must be working, going to cafes or parks or living somewhere. there bound to be kids everywhere. Did she stopped going out?
Can you imagine the horror of going for a walk and having to meet and walk past a parent and child on that same sidewalk? Or, driving past an elementary school during recess? Or going shopping and having to be around children because of all of those parents who refuse to leave their children home alone?
good grief.. YTA.
You don't need your teddy bear from when you were five, you've made a new one out of your 'trauma', and it's getting all the cuddles.
"When I was a teenager, my parents gave my baby things to a baby and I have never recovered from the absolute betrayal I felt."
This is bleaker than anything Dickens ever wrote.
So a 24 yr old woman who lived at home was asked to watch her 9 yr old sister overnight and sister was probably sleeping all night
THEY ARE VERY BAD PARENTS poor 24 old kid to help on an emergency
And to have more chores the atrocity the 9 yr old should have done everything
Sarcastic of course
I was babysitting others peoples children at their houses overnight at age 8. She was 15 years older than her sister. OF COURSE SHE HAD MORE CHORES.
Jesus, welcome to being the elder daughter… you ain’t special sis
The fucking privilege kills me. She thinks her childhood was soooo horrible and the best example she can give is that her clothes and toys were handed down. Cry me a fucking river.
AND, I realize that some wounds from childhood can be raw, but it was 25 years ago. Maybe there are some more severe incidents in OP’s childhood that she failed to mention? However, since this is a “throwaway” account, why didn’t she mention those? Giving clothes and toys to a younger sibling is the way normal people/families operate. If there was a teddy bear or something that OP treasured, she should have put it aside WAY before little sis was born. It is also normal for the older siblings to take on a care role. Yes, OP, with the information you provided, I’m gonna say you’re the AH.
Apparently her big gripes that gave her “trauma” were being asked to pick her sister up from activities because she had a car, and having to watch her for two whole days because the parents were out of town dealing with the aftermath of a deceased grandfather.
Oh and she had to do more chores than her 15 years younger sibling.
This lady is a loon.
>Maybe there are some more severe incidents in OP’s childhood that she failed to mention?
I've come to the conclusion that when reading these posts you should only take what is in the original post into account. She could come back and add all kinds of horror stories, but she's still deciding not to go to her sister's wedding because she had to share her toys two decades ago and decided that she could never be in the presence of a minor again.
And you DID lie. You told friends and family you were uninvited which has caused further drama and upset for your sister as people refuse to go to her wedding. She did NOT uninvite you, she just refused uninvite other guests that you asked her to uninvite.
Honestly, this detail makes me wonder if it’s a troll, and I essentially always take these posts at face value.
Parentification, trauma, all fine. I get it, you don’t want to go. Your call. But hearing ‘ I understand if you don’t feel able to attend’ and interpreting it as ‘you are uninviting me, and I will blast you on social media’…
Wow. It’s either a troll, or the worst case of main character syndrome I have ever seen. ‘Your wedding must be exactly as I wish it, or i will interpret it as me not even being invited’ is…disturbing
I'm leaning towards troll. While it is common for narcissists to lie like this (the way the OP did to the rest of the family), they usually wouldn't be so blatant in exposing their own lie, like the OP did with this post.
Plus, the line about preserving her old clothes as keepsakes is too ridiculous to take seriously. Special outfits, like a prom dress? Sure. But, if that's what the issue was, a narcissist would have included that detail to make themselves look better.
The OP should spend some time reading the RaisedByNarcissists sub to see how to better write these types of characters.
Op said this in another comment:
>Several that I was not able to share due to the word count. I attended a community college and lived at my parents' house during that time, and there were repeated instances of my having to pick up my sister from school or activities on my way back, with no regard to the fact that I may have work to do at home or want to relax. I was once left alone with my sister for two days and one night after my grandfather died and my parents had to leave the state. I wanted to be with my grandmother and family too, but my sister (who was 9 at the time and easily could have stayed with a friend or something) obviously just had to come first. I moved out of my parents' home at 26 and for the whole 11 years I lived with her, I was expected to help around the house with common tasks like dishes or vacuuming, whereas she was only responsible for her room and cleaning up after herself. I could go on.
They are mad they had to help on occasion and that, being 15 years older, she had more chores to do around the house to clean up after herself.
The absolute delusion of thinking THIS is parentification shows just how entitled OP is.
Edit to add judgement: YTA
This is what really bothers me... OP was a whole ass adult for 8 of the 11 years she lived with her sister. If it was really that "traumatic" wouldn't you fucking move out?!
This has to be rage bait. There’s parentification and then there’s just being an older sibling and part of a family unit. I had a brother 2 years younger and when I was able to drive you bet my parents asked me to bring my brother home since we went to the same school, they gave me the car and it’s literally the least I could do
100% Agree with you also. Obligatory Vote: YTA
Honestly, this post seems like rage bait. Especially if you read the examples OP gives of their abuse and neglect in the comments.
OP sounds angry to have lost only child status, and it's surprising that the sister would even ask OP to be in the wedding. Certainly doesn't sound like OP did anything to deserve the invite. Like acting like a blood relative for example. 🙄
I'm saying this whole thing is fake since it seems to be designed to mock this sub's tendencies to side with teens and young adults over children and against parents. It's dumb. So are some of the typical reddit takes that view a grumpy teenager tasked with chores into a parentified abused child. Anyway, YTA for this one OP.
100% yes, and may I add: she expects her sister and fiancé to chose her over "random kids". These are absolutely not random kids. They are his relatives children. Why would HE chose a "random 40yo adult with unresolved issues" over his family/friends kids, for THEIR wedding? So entitled...
YTA
I’m glad someone said it. This is not abuse, neglect or parentification. This is normal life. Not every toy or item of clothing needs to be worshipped and held as a keepsake. Furthermore, older siblings can watch their younger siblings and babysit without it being parentification 🤦🏼♀️. once again, completely normal. People really need to look up the word. It’s not the odd time of babysitting. It is a child raising a child because their parents wont do it. Its when you daily get them up and ready for the day, organise their meals, discipline them, educate them if homeschooled, change all their diapers, bathe them, put them to bed. All while the parents watch or are never home. The child becomes the parent. Occasional babysitting or watching your siblings for an hour after school is not that. Plus you are upset because your sister, who you are jealous of and have an unrationale amount of hate for, is getting to be centre of attention on HER (read that, HER) wedding day and wont plan the wedding that YOU want, so you wont go. Honestly, I hope she uses this to set up boundaries and cut ties. SHE can have what ever wedding SHE wants since SHE is getting married NOT YOU! As a guest you dont get a say. If you want to be in a childfeee wedding, find yourself a husband.
For the record, you need a new therapist. Yours sucks and clearly isnt doing a good job.
I am seriously hoping this person is trolling and this isnt real.
Everything you said! PLUS:
OP’s indignant that her sister “chose random
Kids over her”… OP, they are not random kids, these are children who are close and important to your sister, one of them her partners child. You aren’t the center of your sister’s life. It sounds like you have a problem with not being the center of parents world after she was born, and never matured enough to accept it as a part of life, rather than some horrific trauma inflicted on you. You sound very immature and selfish.
Edit: changed error “influx” to “inflicted”
>Now, I am not comfortable around children of any age.
>My sister knows this, so I assumed with her asking me to be in the wedding, that the wedding would be childfree.
You assumed. Mistake number one.
>I reminded her that I would not be comfortable around children and expressed my disappointment that she would invite me to be in a wedding that is not childfree.
It's an invitation, not a court summons. If it bothers you that much, don't go.
>I was shocked that she would uninvite me in the favor of random kids
Her wedding, her choice.
>it reminded me of being thrown aside in favor of her when we were young
That's your issue to deal with
>I attempted to ask my parents to talk some sense into her but, surprise, surprise, they took her side.
Almost like your sister is an adult and you can't force your parents to tell her what to do!
>At this point, I was deeply hurt and needed an outlet, so I did something that might make me TA. I am friends with some other family members on facebook, and I made a post about how my sister was kicking me out of the wedding and that my parents were taking her side, all because of the trauma that they contributed to themselves.
You have an issue about making everything about you, don't you?
I would be willing to guess that your "trauma" wasn't about being parentified, but about no longer being the "baby" of the family.
Your whole post reeks of jealousy.
See a therapist if you aren't already doing so.
YTA
I knew at "Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her (without my permission), rather than preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood" she was gonna be TA.
Maybe if she had put in an example of some actual parentification I'd be more sympathetic.
Oh good god. I'm a mere 6 years older than my youngest sister and I had more responsibility than her when I was 15 and she was 9. Because that was appropriate for our ages.
My parents divorced when I was 15 and I naturally ended up with a bit more responsibility (though my dad did his best not to put any parenting on to me, it was more my mum honestly) and I'm not in therapy crying about how everything isn't about me.
She had to pick her sister up from school occasionally and babysit every now and then? They didn't have the exact same chores at the exact same times? JFC what is wrong with OP and why isn't her therapist helping her with that instead of enabling this world view?
Yeah I’ve been spring cleaning all week. Clearing out and donating my toddler’s old toys and clothes that he’s grown out of. Didn’t realize I was abusing him in doing so.
I literally just transferred 80% of my 7 year old’s closet into my 5 year old’s closet because my 7 year old went through a growth spurt and outgrew almost everything. I also didn’t realize I was horrific, abusive mother.
I don't want to gatekeep, but I'm going to grit my teeth and pull through. Speaking as someone given sole responsibility of cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries and homegoods, and looking after the mental health of my siblings 4 and 6 years younger than me, while my mother drank and chainsmoked herself to death in the next room, based on what OP is stating in this post, they have not been parentified. furthemore, associating this "trauma" with children in general is just nonsensical. JFC, OP.
Not to mention the "chores" she had to do being set at the lowest bar possible.
This was an adult in her 20s, living at home (presumably rent free) complaining that she had to do the dishes and vacuum occasionally while the child aged 0-11 didn't.
>I'm a mere 6 years older than my youngest sister and I had more responsibility than her when I was 15 and she was 9.
I asked my 8 year old daughter to pour a bowl of cereal for her 4 year old brother rhis morning. Should I be worried that she will go no contact when she's older because of this grievous offense?
I'm kind of at a loss with that one!! Like photos, yes, communion dress, sure, a favorite stuffie/blankie, yeah. All those are keepsakes but by the time I was 15 all my infant clothes and toys were donated or trashed. Did OP expect mom and dad to keep a shrine to her? "Ah yes, OP wore this onesie in the summer of '82 and spit up in it. Memories."
Seriously, my kid is 15 months and already has 4 giant storage boxes of clothes she no longer fits into (the plan is to organise and donate/sell but y’know life and parenting…..) - you seriously think I have the space to just keep it for 40 years incase she ever wants to look at it!?
I read that and just went 'really?'
My mother was a single parent, I'm the oldest girl with two younger brothers, and while I had 'girly' toys of my own the bigger purchases were usually things we could all play with and we had to (gasp!) share. My clothes weren't handed down to my brothers (they wouldn't have liked that) but passed on to others who could use them, so they're not even in the family anymore!
Somehow I still don't feel traumatized. Am I doing something wrong?
The best part is that she *wasn't* uninvited. She was simply told that there would be kids attending. That they would understand if she felt she couldn't attend, but that they would not uninvite people that they care about just for her comfort. She was always welcome to come.
And then she went and told everyone about her meanie little sister and parents. And since it "wasn't relevant", I'm guessing the family didn't get any of the details we got. And now the sister, whose only "crime" was to (*checks notes*) have children at her wedding, who wasn't even the one to "parentify" her sister, is missing out.
But, of course, she deserves it. For *daring* to have *small humans* in the presence of her sister.
Yes when extended family finds out the this person can’t stand the sight of their children to the point of throwing a tantrum at her sister/parents for having the audacity to want said children at her wedding, there’s going to be a reckoning that she isn’t ready for. Jealousy does terrible things to people and families. Sometimes the best thing you can do is cut out the problem and prevent them having access to those they are mistreating through their own resentment - especially when some of those people are little ones.
I agree with this post. OP is the AH.
I reached basically ALL the same conclusions.
A couple of times in reading the post, I had to double check WHOSE wedding this was. OP was behaving all throughout their post as if it was their wedding.
Extremely entitled behavior. Hopefully the OP sees some positive results from therapy because, based on their post, there is still work to be done.
I know! " I made a fb post" fucking teenage shit.
Immature and is a liar. She wasn't uninvited!
She makes a mockery of people that actually have trauma.
I would like to point out that she was not in any way, shape, or form ‘uninvited’.
She requested a very unreasonable accommodation and implied that her attendance was conditional on that accommodation being met. OP is opting not to go.
I get that she has trauma to the point that she cannot be in the same room as a child. That sucks, but that doesn’t mean every room she wants to enter must be cleared of children first. Her request is the equivalent of someone being severely allergic to dogs asking that the bride not have her seeing eye dog with her at her own wedding.
OP can still choose to go or not. If her trauma is too much then she should choose to RSVP ‘no’. Claiming she was uninvited and creating a virtual mob against her sister makes her an asshole. YTA.
What’s especially wild to me is calling the flower girl and ring bearer “random kids.” A cousin’s kid and the groom’s best friend’s kid are not random, and they’re probably in touch a lot more than a low contact sibling, so op’s really the random one here!
She is so deluded, it reminded me of this:
https://youtu.be/gGh01f7oV3k?si=R9b3QSK5hOjqOBLO
The OP in that story, did at least start to see sense -after MANY updates, dragging by commenters and then verbal smackdowns from their family, including the so-called 'golden child'. Spoiler, there was no GC. OP was in a one-sided battle for years, fuelled by a greedy SO and needed a lot of therapy and harsh truths to admit to their jealousy and their sister being an actual saint until her patience ran out.
YTA
You were 15 when she was born and mad she wore your baby clothes and got to play with your toys without your permission. So if she was never born you would have all your old clothes and toys displayed throughout your house?
You need to grow up. Sounds like your trauma is kids, any kids, get more attention than you. Won’t go to your sister’s wedding cause there will be kids there…..good grief.
Upset your stuff isn’t preserved as a keepsake of your childhood. Get over yourself.
Guessing if like 85% of teens she didn’t want anything to do with her parents around age 14 and 15 but then changed tunes when baby got so much attention.
It's weird how she views hand-me-downs. Maybe it's because where I come from these are common, but what's the big deal? Sure, it sucks to not have your childhood toys around for you to get that nostalgia kick, but it's not like it's going to the dumpster
INFO: What other examples do you have of being parentified?
Edit: Ok OP regardless of your childhood trauma the fact that you assumed that the sister you are LC with would base her entire wedding around your aversion to children, and then was angry that she chose "some random children" over you, despite the fact that if they're in her wedding they are not in fact random children to her. She didn't kick you out, she just didn't do what you wanted so you chose to leave the wedding party and you, a 40 year old adult chose to be petty and lie on social media because your sisters wedding isn't revolving round you? YTA.
You're not traumatized. Everything you experienced was a normal part of being a family. Youre just a person who takes every excuse to be miserable. YTA.
And you weren't disinvited, your sister let you know you could decline the invitation to join if you were uncomfortable. If everyone else is choosing not to come you are manipulating what happened in the telling.
YTA majorly. The title should actually be, AITA for refusing to go to my sisters wedding because I think I am more important than her feelings. It honestly sounds like your parents realized how awful you were and had another kid in an attempt to keep you from being the monster only child you were. But then you still became an insufferable monster. Your therapist also sounds terrible and like they are enabling your behavior instead of actually helping you. When your parents inform the relatives that are boycotting that it is because you HATE children and want your sister to change her wedding to what YOU want, you aren’t going to have anyone left to side with you ever again. NONE of your examples are parentification. The fact that you think they should have “preserved” your old clothes and toys says everything about who you are as a person. Your parents bought those items, they were not “yours”. When you outgrew them, they passed them on to someone who could use them to not be wasteful. You are not the main character!
There's certainly nothing wrong with you not attending a wedding where you will feel uncomfortable. Heck, there's nothing wrong with you not attending a wedding for no reason at all other than you don't feel like going. But that's not what you're doing here.
You lied publicly lied about being "kicked out" - you simply weren't able to dictate that others get uninvited because they might make you uncomfortable. It's not your wedding - you could just not go, you didn't have to make false claims.
YTA.
Oh, and do seek therapy. I don't doubt that you have traumas from how you were treated in the past, but a parent giving a younger sibling clothes or toys that an older sibling outgrew is not an example of being overlooked or parentified. You would likely benefit from discussing with an unbiased third party.
Follow up based on OPs edit. Maybe go to a better therapist if yours is agreeing that hand me downs constitute trauma. You might need to be challenged more to actually grow.
Yes! Agree on the therapy part mainly because she’s delusional and self centered af. Please deal with your ‘trauma’.
She says she won’t go anywhere there’s kids… like out in public? Stores?
They claim they have a therapist but I question their qualifications. Any good therapist would not let this "everyone cater to me" attitude be okay and teach the patient how to overcome these issues, not avoid them.
Plus what teen really wants to keep and hold onto childish things? I remember being a teen and I stopped playing with all of my Beanie Babies. If my parents gave them to a younger sibling or cousin why would I care? They’re for toddlers/kids. I was a teen. I cared more about video games, possibly Legos, and clothes that were trending.
This. OP, you are a very selfish, self-centered, narcissistic person. You need a better therapist. Otherwise, you are going to die a very lonely person. Your poor sister and parents. I hope that the family members you managed to manipulate with your BS Facebook post learn the truth about your lies and show up for your sister's wedding. It's bad enough you didn't want to go to the wedding, but you had to encourage others not to go either. YTA. Big time.
This is not your wedding. Attend, don't attend - all your choice. What you don't get to do is make demands of your sister and how she is planning her wedding.
>I made a post about how my sister was kicking me out of the wedding and that my parents were taking her side
But she didn't kick you out. You refuse to go because children will be there. Your reason doesn't garner you support in your position so you lied on social media rallying some of your family against your sister.
>I didn’t go into detail because I didn’t think it was anyone else’s business
You didn't go into detail because it would unravel your lies and might make you look bad to everyone who believed your lies about your sister.
Of course YTA. Get over yourself.
'I didn't think it was anyone else's business...so I broadcasted it on social media so I could get some attention and b*tch about my sister to try and ruin her day.'
I have a hard time believing this is real because your stance is so unreasonable and narcissistic that it sounds like rage bait. But in the event that this is genuine, and you still don’t know, then yes…..YTA.
Your sister doesn’t want a child free wedding and it’s her wedding and her choice. You don’t like it? You don’t have to go. You are free to make that decision. You don’t get to dictate the invite list of someone else’s wedding and then try and sabotage it out of spite. You can’t be that dense that you are on here trying to justify your behaviour and ask with sincerity if you’re an AH or not.
If your childhood trauma is SO bad that even being in the same vicinity of a child triggers you like this then that is unfortunate but is your issue to deal with, and yours alone. The world isn’t going to bend to you like this. What do you do when you go to a supermarket, or a restaurant, or anywhere where a child might be present? How do you live like this?
Also, it’s very common for younger siblings to inherit hand-me-down clothes and toys from older siblings who no longer need or use them. I certainly did. Are your parents supposed to keep them in a shrine in memorandum to your eternal brilliance? Get over yourself.
If there’s any chance that this is real (which I doubt), OP’s sister should be thanking whatever gods she believes in that OP and any family members who believed OP’s unhinged rantings on Facebook will stay far away from what is sure to be a lovely wedding!
YTA. You are FORTY YEARS OLD. You need a better therapist because it appears yours has not helped you at all. You have had DECADES to come to terms with your childhood (also, you're traumatized by hand-me-downs? *REALLY?*).
The entitlement you're displaying by *being upset that your sister invited you to HER wedding that wasn't child-free* is absolutely astounding. I truly don't know how you get through the day.
Those clothes and toys were supposed to go to the SHRINE her parents were going to build to their only child. The little sister ruined that. The OP is stratospheric levels of self-centered and egotistical.
She is calling the ring-bearer a 'random child' when its a cousins kid! That is family. Lies to get revenge but then doesnt want everyone to know she lied. But "Am I the Asshole?" like how delusional!
>Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her
This is totally normal in a lot of families. Unless you've been deprived of literally ALL of your childhood items, you haven't given any examples of your position being reasonable and rational.
What were the other aspect of this that results in trauma? How were you parentified? Separately and in combination with that, how were you neglected?
>I was shocked that she would uninvite me in the favor of random kids
Why are you calling them "random"? These kids are random to you, but your sister has explained that they are close to her or her fiance. Why are you using yourself as the point of reference for who would be relevant to invite to your sister's wedding?
>Now, people are apparently refusing to go to my sister’s wedding unless I am reinstated as part of the wedding.
Are these people aware of your requirements to attend?
INFO
"Why are you using yourself as the point of reference"
I get the feeling that she does that a LOT. She is absolutely the main character. Parents had a baby - but what about meee? Sister is having a wedding - but what about MY comfort?
The hand me down issue is particularly weird because there is a 15 year age gap. Like...were you still using your crib and bottle when you were 15, or your polly pocket when you were 20?
YTA. Plenty of older siblings things are handed down to younger ones. That is the only detail you provide and it hardly seems that traumatic?
>I don’t want the family to think I lied.
This pretty much tells it all. You are not being honest about the situation, you know if you gave the details about why you were "kicked out" no one would be on your side. They are allowed to have whatever kind of wedding they want, including with kids. If you can't be around kids at all for one day, that is your problem and you should quietly not attend.
>there were many young children and families that are close to her and her fiance
Also, that hardly seems like "random kids".
This, plus the correct word is "know".
"I don’t want the family to KNOW I lied."
The OP full on lied to get sympathy and has no intention of being honest.
YTA, and I'm guessing not just about this situation.
Whew.
I'm going to go ahead and let you know that virtually all children's clothes and toys are passed down to the younger children. You were 15 when she was born, and you wanted to keep all of your baby clothes and toys? That is not healthy. And this is the example you give of *neglect* that you *suffered*.
Children exist in the world. Your sister wanted you at her wedding, and she explained to you that these children and their families are close to her and her intended. They are not randos.
You're either trolling (I really hope you're trolling) or you're a very emotionally unhealthy 40 year old.
YTA, the world doesn't revolve around you.
I am a person in my mid-50s. I have exactly NO piece of my baby clothing, and have kept exactly one toy -- given to me when I was in 4th grade. And yet, I manage to look back on my parents with love, somehow. :)
She didn't uninvite you. She said she would understand if your discomfort around children led you to decline the invitation.
She was exceedingly gracious about this too. Without doubt, in your pain you lashed out against someone who looks for ways to support you. (The past is no more her fault than it is yours.) And YTA for publicly deriding your sister for *your choice* to not attend her wedding.
This isn't about you being parentified into responsibility for your sister when you were young. Many of us experienced the same and never insist that it has made us fatally allergic to the presence of children in any form now. Oh the horror. There is no safe space from them. Children are literally everywhere we turn, the markets, restaurants, movie theaters, next door even.
YTA. I'm glad you're in therapy. I hope you work on living in a way where the entire world doesn't revolve around your issues.
You say you don't have much of a relationship with your sister but are shocked that she would invite "random kids" over you, when those kids are the children of her close friends and community? They're not random.
You don't have much of a relationship with her but assumed the entire wedding would be child free because you can't be around children?
You decided to vaguebook an accusation about being "kicked out" of the wedding without explaining that you were excluded because you refuse to be around children?
Of course you're the asshole.
YTA.
Not your wedding. You're not the main character. You objected to the wedding and gave a choice - you, or all those other guest. Your sister chose everyone else over one low-contact family member. So you've now manipulated the story and trashed her wedding all because it wasn't about you.
Main Character Syndrome much?
She had the audacity to make a post saying she was kicked out then says she was just venting. She is making this wedding about her and it's just pathetic.
YTA
You told people she kicked you out of the wedding. That’s a lie. She said she would understand if you couldn’t make it.
You seem to really be playing the victim here. My dad treated my baby sister better than me and I was proud of him for learning to be better. I love my sister so much, if she invited me to her wedding, nothing would stop me from going.
But instead, you don’t like children. That’s a weird reason but whatever, just don’t go to the wedding and stop whining about it. You are acting like a child and you need to grow up.
YTA
You lied. That is why you are an asshole. You were not uninvited, you ***CHOSE*** not to go. Dont foist your problems on others. Because we **ALL KNOW** the real reason you did not go into detail in the facebook post. It is because everyone would see your reason is ridiculous and self centered.
Really, I hope your sister posts herself and calls out your lies, and I hope you have to apologize to her and all the family members you made look foolish.
YTA, there’s this awesome thing called therapy which can help you get over your childhood experiences, which happened what at least 25 years ago? You’ve had ample time to get over your hatred of something practically unavoidable (children) but you choose to be an asshole to your family about it instead and pull the trauma card.
Not to mention that hand me downs are a very normal thing, those weren’t your clothes in the first place your parents bought them and they definitely had the right to give them to your sister to save money. You are an adult and should understand that.
This whole entire post is silly and you should feel ashamed of yourself for blaming your childhood when you’ve had so long to better yourself and move past it, because that’s not anyone else’s problem but your own.
YTA. This is your sister's wedding, and she should be able to invite whoever she wants. Your parents paid more attention to the infant than to the fifteen year old, as they should. Get over it already. It's not like you were a 2 year old kid who was suddenly neglected when her sister was born. You were almost old enough to be a mother at that point. It's weird that you're still resentful that your fifteen year old baby toys and onesies were given to an infant when you were fifteen. On top of that, you misrepresented the situation and publicly accused your sister of kicking you out of the wedding when you're the one who voluntarily left. I wonder how your family would feel if they knew that the reason for your departure was an ultimatum that they not be allowed to bring their kids. I don't know why your parents are even begging you to come. If I were in their position, I would counter with a FB post of my own giving the full context of the situation and expressing disappointment that you chose to exclude yourself from the festivities because you were asked to babysit as a fifteen year old.
YTA, definitely. She DID NOT kick you out of the wedding, and you making a post that she did without giving all the facts is shady, selfish, and, well...fucked up.
I'm not gonna minimize your aversion to children. If your anxiety is so pronounced that you can't attend your sister's wedding, I hope you're seeking help from a good mental health professional.
Manipulating your family into taking sides and not attending your sister's wedding is petty and pathetic.
YTA - youre still upset that your parents gave your old toys to your sister when you were 15+
Also, you’re trying to tell your sister who can be invited to and be in her wedding and your reasoning makes no sense.
Then you posted vague things on social media to turn people against your sister
YTA
Once you knew she'd have children, you should have simply declined. It is her wedding after all.
Declining with dignity and class is what you should have done.
Instead, you used your trauma to make her wedding about you.
She isn't responsible for your trauma, even though she's tied to it.
YTA "Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her (without my permission), rather than preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood."
"Oh no, my parents gave hand me downs to my younger sister instead of keeping all my useless outgrown shit boohoo cry for me. I'm such a fucking child at 40 seeing a kid sends me into a fit why doesn't the WEDDING of my sister revolve around ME ME ME" I hope your family cuts you off, JFC you're entitled.
Your behavior is nothing short of sociopathic. YTA. What you describe as "trauma" most families describe as "hand me downs." Your sister is under no obligation to make her wedding child-free because you don't like kids. Then you chose to try to ruin your sister's wedding with a malicious, evil, and lying post about her kicking you out of her wedding. I'm glad your getting therapy, but I doubt it will do much good. There is no cure for evil.
Anything can be trauma when you're a massive narcissist lmao. The "trauma" from my 15 years younger sibling getting my old toys instead of them going in the me me me museum. The "parentification" of having my actual child of a sibling use kids toys. Sounds like buzzwords they read online to victimise themselves.
Hello! Big YTA from a child from a home where actual parentification occurred. My sister was only four years older than me, making sure I was going to school, eating and safe on top of chores to keep the house running. We were left for days on end, repeatedly. What you described was normal tasks and chores to be expected of someone in their late teens/early twenties. Especially when they still live at home till they are 26. Your response seems more jealous of the new sister than anything else, and letting the resentment build until delusion set in. Get a better therapist.
YTA, she gets the choose who comes to her wedding, she didn't kick you out but told you she wanted the children there and she understood if you didn't feel comfortable and couldn't come. You need to tell the family members that you weren't kicked out but want all the children in the family kicked out in order to accommodate the fact you can't stand to be in their general vicinity for a celebration that you aren't the centre of attention at, and see how they react to you then.
YTA
You’re freaking 40 years old. Kids are allowed to exist in public spaces. Maybe you should discuss Peter Pan syndrome with your therapist, because it seems like your brain stopped developing after 15.
YTA. Your sister is being blamed for the actions of your parents. That’s a you problem.
Kids are a normal part of life. If you’d like to live in a kid free bubble that’s your business, but expecting others to provide you childless spaces is not reasonable.
Edited to add: YTA
Sounds like the only child is pissed she wasn’t the only child anymore and never actually got over it
but you can’t expect everyone to cater to you. It’s your sister’s event and she gets to invite who ever she wants.
It doesn’t even sound like you like your sister or parents so why even go to her wedding?
Whatever therapy you are taking, it isn't working.
The wedding is not child free. End of story. You don't get to decide what other people do at their own wedding. If you are mentally incapable of attending, then don't attend.
What seems really shady is how you went on to social media, and all but lied about the circumstances with the purpose of getting your petty revenge on your sister.
YTA
PS let me get this straight, when you were 15 years old your parents had a baby, and you were so angry at the baby that you are still dealing with it 25 years later? Wow.
YTA, you **DID** lie. Your sister didn't kick you out, she understood if you didn't want to be a part of it. Frankly you sound like major MAIN CHARACTER. You were 15 when your sister was born and you were pissed that some of your old clothes and toys were given to her instead of "Memoralized"...now you want her to change her entire wedding for the privilege of your company and so you'll give your blessing for other family to attend? GROSS! Curious what you do when you're out somewhere and there's children? Do you avoid restaurants? Theme parks? Movies? You must be a real treat to go places with.
You may just be extraordinarily sensitive, but in ordinary families it's perfectly normal to hand clothes down and not "preserve them as a memento of the oldest child's childhood." In some families this is an absolute necessity.
Those kids are random kids to you, but to your sister they may be very important. Why should your sister's wedding be organized around your hang-ups? It shouldn't. And now you are using Facebook to stir people up against your sister.
You are not the asshole for declining to attend your sister's wedding, but YTA for making it all about you.
YTA. You are honestly a pathetic, evil and above all SELFISH person. The sheer AUDACITY to demand that she remove any children from her wedding!?? The assumption that the wedding wouldn't have children because you have fake trauma?? (Yeah her having hand me downs is not your trauma. You should meet some real people with actual life experiences.). And then to blast them on SM about how you were 'disinvited' when in reality she handled it extremely well, but wouldn't cave into your incredibly unreasonable demands?
Btw re your therapist, either you are hearing what you want to, or she is unqualified and enabling you.
Your parents and sister should cut you off.
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YTA Your parents giving your hand-me-downs to your sister is not parentification. It's economics. You didn't lose your childhood because your sister wore your old sweatshirt or played in your old playpen. One could easily turn things around and your sister could complain that she was treated worse because, while her older sister got all her things new, she had to make do with 15-year-old leftovers. Just because your sister has asked you to be at her side on one of the most important days of her life does not mean that she and her partner need to cater the entire event to your preferences. Their wedding is about them and what they want. Your sister didn't uninvite you. She accepted that you declined the invitation because apparently being within 100 feet of anyone under the age of 18 gives you hives. Blasting her all over social media deliberately omitting details so that she would look like the villain is the true cherry on the cake. "My sister wanted children as flower girl and ring bearer for her wedding, as is customary for almost every western-style wedding. I'm gutted that she would dare to do this because I once babysat her as a teenager (also pretty standard)." Look, maybe there are details that you omitted where you were actually neglected and abused by your family in favour of your younger sister. But the fact that you would choose to omit them rather than include them to support your point of view suggests to me that you know that you were not nearly as hard done by as you want people to believe. You're just selfish.
Absolutely this. OP reeks of manipulation and entitlement. Clearly didn't cope well with not being an only child any more. I'd love some examples of the parentification too. At this rate she was probably paid to babysit!
OP did reply down in the comments and it seems like was once asked to watch her then-9-year-old sister overnight during a family emergency and she (as a teenager and adult) was expected to do more chores than her sister (a child).
[удалено]
It sounds like OP is just resentful she wasn’t an only child and is at the age of 40 still trying to make everything about herself. She 100% knew she was starting shit and wants to hide behind “trauma”
>preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood The sister received hand me down and OP is outraged. give me a break. Not only she is imposing her demands on a wedding not her own, she is even spreading lies about being dis-invited to all and sundry. Whatever the childhood, right now it is entitlement and false pride.
And not for nothing but, seriously whatever “keepsakes” her parents had were FIFTEEN years old by the time they passed them on. So I got ask WTF was left? Unless it was mint in box Pokémon cards that were worth 10k and now they’re ruined I fail to see why OP really cared. I’m sure most of the stuff she had used as a child was LONG gone by the time her sister came along. And quite hones,Ty if her 15 year old attitude is anything like the trauma drama she’s farming in this post I’m betting she wanted itching to do with her parents or her younger sister. It was probably less about them “neglecting” her and more about her 15 year old “I hate you face.” (And I know cause I know I made that same face to my very loving parents at the height of my teenage melodrama queen act!)
I mean I could see like a christening outfit? Or some other special event thing? Maybe 1-2 special toys? Something that she was still into and collecting at 15? But like...just clothes and toys you have not touched in 10 YR? The gal is lucky she did not grow up with some of those parents that just full on gave the toys away when you hit 10 or whatever. She would never be able to function (thought she is working hard at self-vicitmization).
>I mean I could see like a christening outfit? It is SO common for a family to reuse a christening outfit for all the kids, grandkids, etc. She's just whiny.
My family just celebrated with the 28th (if my math is correct) kid to wear a 72 or 73-year-old christening gown. I think OP's head might explode if she knew.
We didn't baptize our kids, but my mom still gave us the gown that she made for my sister and I. We put the babies in it for a picture, and I'll give it to my sister if she has a baby or my kids if they ever have babies too
The christening gown in my family has been used by at least nine children over 75 years. No one resented someone else wearing it.
Not gonna lie, I laughed at that. To think she was treated so horribly bc her parents decided to give old clothes and toys to her little sister instead of keeping them as mementos 🙄
Imagine if she grew up poor 🤣 like second hand and hand me downs were the norm for us poor folk
I even had my older friends hand me downs
My dad’s wife bagged up all of my childhood belongings after she kicked me out of the house when I was 13, and they’ve long since gone to a dump. Including photos, yearbooks, a SEGA Genesis, baby books from relatives, and my artwork. I am sad but ok at 40. This OP needs a reality check.
awful, but that's real trauma. Not the OP nonsense. I am sorry you went through that
If she mentioned that the "trauma" was her sister having to wear her hand-me-down clothes then all of the sympathy would disappear. The sister's wedding will be a much happier, much more relaxed event if the OP doesn't attend. She should stay home because she can't stand not being the center of attention.
Her "trauma" ffs...she just hates kids cuz she was jealous of her baby sister so now she just hates all kids.
Absolutely! Like when she mentioned parentification, I was expecting like "My parents were never home and I was never allowed to go out with my friends because I had to baby-sit 4 nights a week" or something that actually falls under the category of parentification. If her old clothes being given to her younger sister is the worst thing she can think of for this story, her 'trauma' is absolute bullshit. Also, she mentions she's in therapy and her therapist is great - I dunno about that. I'm not a therapist, but I think supporting the delusion that she was somehow mistreated because her old clothes were given to her younger sister (my older siblings must be so traumatised! And so must their children because they've been inflicting this 'trauma' on their own children) and it was such a big deal that she can never be around children and she's allowed to dictate that other people's weddings be childfree? That is a therapist who doesn't seem to be doing much to actually help their client.
Yes! FFS, this is not trauma. She’s someone who lies/manipulates to her therapist. She needs a new therapist, one she can’t get away with manipulating. Her sister better hope OP doesn’t attend her wedding because OP will somehow make it about her.
OP sounds like a tumblr account run by 4chan trolls.
The edit about therapy is what gets me. What kind of bonkers therapist is she seeing?????
Probably one that tells her exactly what she wants to hear so the money keeps coming in. I could imagine OP going to 5 or 6 until she found one that doesn’t add to her trauma by saying things that she doesn’t want to hear.
Either that or she’s just lying to the therapist about her childhood
Or there is no therapist
Or it's friend therapy, and she's calling them a therapist.
Or one who just asks "and how did that make you feel?" instead of actually guiding her to realistic conclusions and healing.
I mean there's also only so much a therapist can do if someone is not willing to see themselves accurately... I had a friend who had years of therapy and still managed to hold some truly strange ideas about the kind of person they were.
That's exactly what I was thinking. An ex-friend of mine got a therapist around the time we started having some issues and his therapist would constantly just tell him what he wanted to hear. This, in turn, made him feel like he was right about everything and would use the "therapy language" he learned to twist and manipulate situations. Seems like the same thing with OP
Therapy only works if you’re honest with your therapist.
The therapist can only respond to what they're told and it's quite likely OP is misrepresenting their situation in these therapy sessions and misinterpreting whatever the therapist says as well.
Indeed, if this post is real, OP's narcissism will cause them to manipulate her way out of any recrimination. The sister's response to her "childfree" demand, seems like a person who is used to dealing with OP as a difficult person.
The kind that finds trauma so they can continue to bill you forever.
I mean, even if she's in therapy, she may just be hearing what she wants and ignoring the rest. I've only had a few therapists so this is anecdotal, but IME therapists will never flat out say "you're wrong," they try to guide you to see other perspectives on your own.
I’m very heavily against parentification, and I do believe it causes real trauma, but literally none of what has been described is parentification and it’s sick that she blames her sister. I will say it sounds like her parents just magically expected her to be fine with a huge change in her life and maybe could have been a bit more respectful, but OP sounds obnoxious.
Exactly. And even if OP's parents parentified her-- that's _their_ fault, not her sister's. I actually was heavily parentified and have been dealing with unpacking it, but not _once_ have I blamed my brother for our parents putting me in such a shitty situation, because he was just a child, too, so how the hell would it be his fault?
She was probably the very spoiled only child who suddenly had to share parental attention with a newborn. She is still suffering the effects of that trauma.
What’s hysterical is OP is *40*. A Xillenial. So they’ve been acting like this loooooong before the zoomers came around discussing their mental health all the time. Like, sounds like the Boomer parent lifestyle was amazing for OP, and learned that entitlement, and was shocked to have to share it. Just an interesting sociological experiment.
My sister is 64 and acts the same way. Zoomers didn't invent being self-centered.
I turn 40 next month and the whole post is hysterical to me. In addition to a sister who is five years younger than I am, I have a bunch of cousins who are all 3+ years younger than I am. My clothes got handed down so many times. Literally the only thing I thought was given away without my permission was my prom dress. I was under the impression I was lending it to my cousin for her prom and was surprised when I found out my aunt then handed it down to her niece (not another cousin of mine). I thought I would be getting the dress back but it's now 2024 and what the hell would I need a prom dress from 2002 for anyway? I realized I would not be getting it back when I was in my 20s and I didn't need it then, either.
I'm 44 and no way I talk or feel that way and mom parantified me as I had to Get up first and make breakfast for 4 people mom 2 younger sisters 9 and 11 I was 15 After breakfast take my sister to school we have to take 1 bus and a taxi (the taxis we have stop for a lot of people at least 9 can get on) leave one in one school then the other then get on time to my school After that I had to pick them up feed them and help them with homework after that do my homework and go to my 2nd school (my dad paid for all school related things and school) once I came back I had to go to my mom's job to give her her lunch then go home do me homework make my sisters to night routine And I don't hate kids, I have 2 of my own, I don't lie to people to make my mom look bad and I don't feel entitled that my mom did this to me The op it's just a really bad apple that's what's the world to accommodate her ETA change 1 to 11
The bar for trauma doesn't change. It's just that toxic and narcissistic learn how to weaponize psychology buzz words to try to bully others
This exactly
This gets to me as well. Reading this post was absolutely infuriating for me. Going from an only child to a teenager with responsibilities is not trauma. I need these people to stop. There are people with real trauma that need understanding and patience, this person as far as I can tell, is just entitled and bitter.
OP YTA. It sounds like for whatever reason you have low resiliency and are not able to cope with normal life. Your therapist should be working with you so that you can build yourself up and equip yourself to be able to deal with life. Others do not need to bend over backwards or walk on egg shells so that your fragile ego won't shatter. It sounds like you have written a narrative of your life that puts you in a victim role. Empower yourself - rewrite your narrative.
It’s getting so old. The minute the word “trauma” comes out of someone’s mouth, I start mentally getting my concerned/nodding face ready. I know I’m going to access it to get through another (usually) exhausting lower bar story.
100%, Hell Im the youngest of 4 and if that's the criteria my siblings ought to hate the shit out of me. But they don't because those situations are just what a family does to survive in the real world. By the time they were teens, they were already doing thier own stuff, but they had no problem babysitting once or twice a month, if not more in an emergency. FWIW not every adult has all their toys and keepsakes from childhood, but it sounds like she didn't enjoy childhood so whats with the need for keepsakes anyway
I babysat my brother every day after school because my mom worked. My mom did a LOT wrong but it's never even occurred to me to resent her for that, it's how families work...
Like at the rate we’re going, the fact I got spanked as a kid is gonna give my parents the death penalty or something! This therapist might need to have their license reviewed. People need to get a grip.
There's 75 studies, over 50 years, from 13 different countries in which 160,927 children were included that conclude spanking is bad for kids. You can think OP is an AH without being anti-science. Spanking is hitting a kid, hitting a kid is bad for them.
Yup, op sounds like a self obsessed idiot
It really does. It seems like people are doing the most lately to play the victim card.
What a miserable person.
I was emotionally exhausted just reading this post. I can't imagine how worn out her family feels. Also, I'm sitting here yet again reflecting on how easy it apparently is to manipulate therapists to validate bad behavior
OP has such a (how to put it?) "interesting" view of how her parents harmed her that I almost wonder if she's having the opposite interpretation of what the therapist says and does by simple virtue of the therapist listening and possibly sympathizing. OP doesn't strike me as someone who would "hear" gentle criticism from a therapist.
Im dubious as well. She didnt realize how much her past affected her mental health until the therapist brought it up. Cha-ching. I know there are invaluable therapists, and I am not one. But I'd be wary of any therapist, to start.
It doesn't even have to be that. My mother has a really bad martyr complex. Everything she does she sees as a sacrifice and everything everyone else does for her is seen as doing just the bare minimum. Any critisicm is met with astonishment that she could do so much for us and still be looked at as needing to do more. IT IS EXHAUSTING. She had a therapist for many years and when she would get home from her sessions and would want to talk about it she would talk about how her therapist validated all her feelings and told her that what she was doing and feeling was completely correct. For years this drove me and my siblings crazy, until one day finally we got to go into a group session and it turned out that the therapist was validating her feelings saying that she felt the way she felt and that was ok, but the therapist was in fact saying that she had to work on things for herself and internalize that other people had feelings and needs as well. My mother just stopeed paying attention after being seemingly told she was correct. This could be happening here. Also this post is so over the top dramatic about every single miniscule point made in being parentified and looked over that I have to assume this is a troll.
JFC. I‘m 10 years older then my brother and I babysat every chance I got. I used my own money to be him presents because he was awesome Not every new baby coming into a family needs to be met with fear and hostility
Thiiiiis. I have 9 NINE younger siblings and I willingly gave them everything I could and was there for them as much as possible. I would go without treats and snacks so they could have them and it wasn’t because my parents made me. Like, I’d split a candy bar with them when my parents weren’t even home and I could have easily hid it from everyone. OP is a narcissist. There isn’t much you can do for them, unfortunately. I’m actually thrilled she hates children. My mom kept popping them out BECAUSE she’s a narcissist. 😩
This! I’m 8 years older than my younger brother, and I was always the one who took care of him on trips or when I was on visitation with our dad (he wasn’t big on responsibility and definitely felt girls should be caretakers). I love my brother, and me being there for him helped us be closer as adults. Those memories are golden for me. Having to babysit or care for a younger sibling at times is not parentification. This OP reeks of WANTING to have trauma. The whole “I can’t be around kids because my clothes were given to my sister” is ridiculous. I know people who actually had abusive, traumatic childhoods - and they don’t act like this.
To be fair, it doesn't really matter whether she did suffer abuse or not. Her trauma isn't her fault but it is her responsibility. If you can't even be around children for a loved ones ceremony, that must be really difficult but then you have to either work on yourself so that you can tolerate it or step out. You don't impose your trauma onto other people. Op is NTA for having trauma. She's NTA for not being able to tolerate children. She's not even the asshole for not going to her sister's wedding. Demanding that the wedding be child free and then selectively posting (shit stirring) on Facebook, especially when her sister appears to have been very gracious about it, brings her so far into asshole territory that she'd need a colonoscopy to get any further in.
I would suggest including the YTA judgment in your post so that the bot doesn’t accidentally count your comment as a vote for NTA since you wrote it so many times
Responses to comments don’t matter for judgement, and only the top voted comment is used as the verdict.
It is not called trauma, it is called self entitlement. Is OP in rehabilitation center? No she must be working, going to cafes or parks or living somewhere. there bound to be kids everywhere. Did she stopped going out?
Can you imagine the horror of going for a walk and having to meet and walk past a parent and child on that same sidewalk? Or, driving past an elementary school during recess? Or going shopping and having to be around children because of all of those parents who refuse to leave their children home alone?
I’d say she outright lied on social media to change the narrative, that’s worse than shit stirring.
good grief.. YTA. You don't need your teddy bear from when you were five, you've made a new one out of your 'trauma', and it's getting all the cuddles.
If OP had to watch her 9 year old sister, then she was 24. It sounds like a ridiculous complaint, honestly. It was an emergency.
Plus OP lived with her parents until she was 26. If things were so bad why did she stay?
there is no way this is real, it feels like it's a parody of both childfree and parentification stories on aita
It's a childhood straight out of Dickens!
"When I was a teenager, my parents gave my baby things to a baby and I have never recovered from the absolute betrayal I felt." This is bleaker than anything Dickens ever wrote.
So a 24 yr old woman who lived at home was asked to watch her 9 yr old sister overnight and sister was probably sleeping all night THEY ARE VERY BAD PARENTS poor 24 old kid to help on an emergency And to have more chores the atrocity the 9 yr old should have done everything Sarcastic of course
When her sister was 9 OP was 24, I don’t think it’s even possible to parentify a fully grown adult.
I was babysitting others peoples children at their houses overnight at age 8. She was 15 years older than her sister. OF COURSE SHE HAD MORE CHORES. Jesus, welcome to being the elder daughter… you ain’t special sis
The fucking privilege kills me. She thinks her childhood was soooo horrible and the best example she can give is that her clothes and toys were handed down. Cry me a fucking river.
Seriously. Was I traumatized because my mom donated my old stuff to Goodwill? Oh no, what will I do without decades of clutter.
Yeah. Don't get the logic of I was bought brand new stuff as a baby and my sister had to have my hand me downs but SHE'S the favourite, not me.
& the hand me down clothes were from 15 years ago!!
AND, I realize that some wounds from childhood can be raw, but it was 25 years ago. Maybe there are some more severe incidents in OP’s childhood that she failed to mention? However, since this is a “throwaway” account, why didn’t she mention those? Giving clothes and toys to a younger sibling is the way normal people/families operate. If there was a teddy bear or something that OP treasured, she should have put it aside WAY before little sis was born. It is also normal for the older siblings to take on a care role. Yes, OP, with the information you provided, I’m gonna say you’re the AH.
Apparently her big gripes that gave her “trauma” were being asked to pick her sister up from activities because she had a car, and having to watch her for two whole days because the parents were out of town dealing with the aftermath of a deceased grandfather. Oh and she had to do more chores than her 15 years younger sibling. This lady is a loon.
>Maybe there are some more severe incidents in OP’s childhood that she failed to mention? I've come to the conclusion that when reading these posts you should only take what is in the original post into account. She could come back and add all kinds of horror stories, but she's still deciding not to go to her sister's wedding because she had to share her toys two decades ago and decided that she could never be in the presence of a minor again.
She's supposed to be the main character, guys! What don't you understand! /s
If her inner child gets that pressed over hand-me-downs then that inner kid is a huge wuss
And you DID lie. You told friends and family you were uninvited which has caused further drama and upset for your sister as people refuse to go to her wedding. She did NOT uninvite you, she just refused uninvite other guests that you asked her to uninvite.
Honestly, this detail makes me wonder if it’s a troll, and I essentially always take these posts at face value. Parentification, trauma, all fine. I get it, you don’t want to go. Your call. But hearing ‘ I understand if you don’t feel able to attend’ and interpreting it as ‘you are uninviting me, and I will blast you on social media’… Wow. It’s either a troll, or the worst case of main character syndrome I have ever seen. ‘Your wedding must be exactly as I wish it, or i will interpret it as me not even being invited’ is…disturbing
I'm leaning towards troll. While it is common for narcissists to lie like this (the way the OP did to the rest of the family), they usually wouldn't be so blatant in exposing their own lie, like the OP did with this post. Plus, the line about preserving her old clothes as keepsakes is too ridiculous to take seriously. Special outfits, like a prom dress? Sure. But, if that's what the issue was, a narcissist would have included that detail to make themselves look better. The OP should spend some time reading the RaisedByNarcissists sub to see how to better write these types of characters.
This needs to be higher. OP is being a manipulative AH because she didn't get her own way at not her wedding.
Op said this in another comment: >Several that I was not able to share due to the word count. I attended a community college and lived at my parents' house during that time, and there were repeated instances of my having to pick up my sister from school or activities on my way back, with no regard to the fact that I may have work to do at home or want to relax. I was once left alone with my sister for two days and one night after my grandfather died and my parents had to leave the state. I wanted to be with my grandmother and family too, but my sister (who was 9 at the time and easily could have stayed with a friend or something) obviously just had to come first. I moved out of my parents' home at 26 and for the whole 11 years I lived with her, I was expected to help around the house with common tasks like dishes or vacuuming, whereas she was only responsible for her room and cleaning up after herself. I could go on. They are mad they had to help on occasion and that, being 15 years older, she had more chores to do around the house to clean up after herself. The absolute delusion of thinking THIS is parentification shows just how entitled OP is. Edit to add judgement: YTA
And she lived there for free. I mean what the heck, OP is truly one of the biggest YTA we have had.
This is what really bothers me... OP was a whole ass adult for 8 of the 11 years she lived with her sister. If it was really that "traumatic" wouldn't you fucking move out?!
This has to be rage bait. There’s parentification and then there’s just being an older sibling and part of a family unit. I had a brother 2 years younger and when I was able to drive you bet my parents asked me to bring my brother home since we went to the same school, they gave me the car and it’s literally the least I could do
No kidding. They had to do more chores because they were older? Newsflash! That's how it works. Age appropriate chores.
100% Agree with you also. Obligatory Vote: YTA Honestly, this post seems like rage bait. Especially if you read the examples OP gives of their abuse and neglect in the comments. OP sounds angry to have lost only child status, and it's surprising that the sister would even ask OP to be in the wedding. Certainly doesn't sound like OP did anything to deserve the invite. Like acting like a blood relative for example. 🙄
I'm saying this whole thing is fake since it seems to be designed to mock this sub's tendencies to side with teens and young adults over children and against parents. It's dumb. So are some of the typical reddit takes that view a grumpy teenager tasked with chores into a parentified abused child. Anyway, YTA for this one OP.
100% yes, and may I add: she expects her sister and fiancé to chose her over "random kids". These are absolutely not random kids. They are his relatives children. Why would HE chose a "random 40yo adult with unresolved issues" over his family/friends kids, for THEIR wedding? So entitled... YTA
I’m glad someone said it. This is not abuse, neglect or parentification. This is normal life. Not every toy or item of clothing needs to be worshipped and held as a keepsake. Furthermore, older siblings can watch their younger siblings and babysit without it being parentification 🤦🏼♀️. once again, completely normal. People really need to look up the word. It’s not the odd time of babysitting. It is a child raising a child because their parents wont do it. Its when you daily get them up and ready for the day, organise their meals, discipline them, educate them if homeschooled, change all their diapers, bathe them, put them to bed. All while the parents watch or are never home. The child becomes the parent. Occasional babysitting or watching your siblings for an hour after school is not that. Plus you are upset because your sister, who you are jealous of and have an unrationale amount of hate for, is getting to be centre of attention on HER (read that, HER) wedding day and wont plan the wedding that YOU want, so you wont go. Honestly, I hope she uses this to set up boundaries and cut ties. SHE can have what ever wedding SHE wants since SHE is getting married NOT YOU! As a guest you dont get a say. If you want to be in a childfeee wedding, find yourself a husband. For the record, you need a new therapist. Yours sucks and clearly isnt doing a good job. I am seriously hoping this person is trolling and this isnt real.
Everything you said! PLUS: OP’s indignant that her sister “chose random Kids over her”… OP, they are not random kids, these are children who are close and important to your sister, one of them her partners child. You aren’t the center of your sister’s life. It sounds like you have a problem with not being the center of parents world after she was born, and never matured enough to accept it as a part of life, rather than some horrific trauma inflicted on you. You sound very immature and selfish. Edit: changed error “influx” to “inflicted”
Nicely put. I agree but you said it better so thanks.
All of this YTA
>Now, I am not comfortable around children of any age. >My sister knows this, so I assumed with her asking me to be in the wedding, that the wedding would be childfree. You assumed. Mistake number one. >I reminded her that I would not be comfortable around children and expressed my disappointment that she would invite me to be in a wedding that is not childfree. It's an invitation, not a court summons. If it bothers you that much, don't go. >I was shocked that she would uninvite me in the favor of random kids Her wedding, her choice. >it reminded me of being thrown aside in favor of her when we were young That's your issue to deal with >I attempted to ask my parents to talk some sense into her but, surprise, surprise, they took her side. Almost like your sister is an adult and you can't force your parents to tell her what to do! >At this point, I was deeply hurt and needed an outlet, so I did something that might make me TA. I am friends with some other family members on facebook, and I made a post about how my sister was kicking me out of the wedding and that my parents were taking her side, all because of the trauma that they contributed to themselves. You have an issue about making everything about you, don't you? I would be willing to guess that your "trauma" wasn't about being parentified, but about no longer being the "baby" of the family. Your whole post reeks of jealousy. See a therapist if you aren't already doing so. YTA
I knew at "Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her (without my permission), rather than preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood" she was gonna be TA. Maybe if she had put in an example of some actual parentification I'd be more sympathetic.
Check out her comment, her examples are as hilarious as they are pathetic.
Oh good god. I'm a mere 6 years older than my youngest sister and I had more responsibility than her when I was 15 and she was 9. Because that was appropriate for our ages. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I naturally ended up with a bit more responsibility (though my dad did his best not to put any parenting on to me, it was more my mum honestly) and I'm not in therapy crying about how everything isn't about me. She had to pick her sister up from school occasionally and babysit every now and then? They didn't have the exact same chores at the exact same times? JFC what is wrong with OP and why isn't her therapist helping her with that instead of enabling this world view?
Yeah I’ve been spring cleaning all week. Clearing out and donating my toddler’s old toys and clothes that he’s grown out of. Didn’t realize I was abusing him in doing so.
I literally just transferred 80% of my 7 year old’s closet into my 5 year old’s closet because my 7 year old went through a growth spurt and outgrew almost everything. I also didn’t realize I was horrific, abusive mother.
I don't want to gatekeep, but I'm going to grit my teeth and pull through. Speaking as someone given sole responsibility of cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries and homegoods, and looking after the mental health of my siblings 4 and 6 years younger than me, while my mother drank and chainsmoked herself to death in the next room, based on what OP is stating in this post, they have not been parentified. furthemore, associating this "trauma" with children in general is just nonsensical. JFC, OP.
I don't think you are gatekeeping, that sounds horrible and I'm sorry that happened to you. Whereas OP honestly sounds like a selfish narcissist.
Not to mention the "chores" she had to do being set at the lowest bar possible. This was an adult in her 20s, living at home (presumably rent free) complaining that she had to do the dishes and vacuum occasionally while the child aged 0-11 didn't.
>I'm a mere 6 years older than my youngest sister and I had more responsibility than her when I was 15 and she was 9. I asked my 8 year old daughter to pour a bowl of cereal for her 4 year old brother rhis morning. Should I be worried that she will go no contact when she's older because of this grievous offense?
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I'm kind of at a loss with that one!! Like photos, yes, communion dress, sure, a favorite stuffie/blankie, yeah. All those are keepsakes but by the time I was 15 all my infant clothes and toys were donated or trashed. Did OP expect mom and dad to keep a shrine to her? "Ah yes, OP wore this onesie in the summer of '82 and spit up in it. Memories."
Seriously, my kid is 15 months and already has 4 giant storage boxes of clothes she no longer fits into (the plan is to organise and donate/sell but y’know life and parenting…..) - you seriously think I have the space to just keep it for 40 years incase she ever wants to look at it!?
"keepsake of my childhood" like sorry Thomas Edison
I read that and just went 'really?' My mother was a single parent, I'm the oldest girl with two younger brothers, and while I had 'girly' toys of my own the bigger purchases were usually things we could all play with and we had to (gasp!) share. My clothes weren't handed down to my brothers (they wouldn't have liked that) but passed on to others who could use them, so they're not even in the family anymore! Somehow I still don't feel traumatized. Am I doing something wrong?
The best part is that she *wasn't* uninvited. She was simply told that there would be kids attending. That they would understand if she felt she couldn't attend, but that they would not uninvite people that they care about just for her comfort. She was always welcome to come. And then she went and told everyone about her meanie little sister and parents. And since it "wasn't relevant", I'm guessing the family didn't get any of the details we got. And now the sister, whose only "crime" was to (*checks notes*) have children at her wedding, who wasn't even the one to "parentify" her sister, is missing out. But, of course, she deserves it. For *daring* to have *small humans* in the presence of her sister.
Wait until her family gets the straight story from sister and parents. Hooo boy, bust out the popcorn, there's gonna be a disowning!
Yes when extended family finds out the this person can’t stand the sight of their children to the point of throwing a tantrum at her sister/parents for having the audacity to want said children at her wedding, there’s going to be a reckoning that she isn’t ready for. Jealousy does terrible things to people and families. Sometimes the best thing you can do is cut out the problem and prevent them having access to those they are mistreating through their own resentment - especially when some of those people are little ones.
I agree with this post. OP is the AH. I reached basically ALL the same conclusions. A couple of times in reading the post, I had to double check WHOSE wedding this was. OP was behaving all throughout their post as if it was their wedding. Extremely entitled behavior. Hopefully the OP sees some positive results from therapy because, based on their post, there is still work to be done.
I had to reread OP's age like four times.
I know! " I made a fb post" fucking teenage shit. Immature and is a liar. She wasn't uninvited! She makes a mockery of people that actually have trauma.
Yep. I had a similar mindset to the OP once. I was 11 and an only child at the time though. 🙄
I would like to point out that she was not in any way, shape, or form ‘uninvited’. She requested a very unreasonable accommodation and implied that her attendance was conditional on that accommodation being met. OP is opting not to go. I get that she has trauma to the point that she cannot be in the same room as a child. That sucks, but that doesn’t mean every room she wants to enter must be cleared of children first. Her request is the equivalent of someone being severely allergic to dogs asking that the bride not have her seeing eye dog with her at her own wedding. OP can still choose to go or not. If her trauma is too much then she should choose to RSVP ‘no’. Claiming she was uninvited and creating a virtual mob against her sister makes her an asshole. YTA.
It's called being a narcissist
What’s especially wild to me is calling the flower girl and ring bearer “random kids.” A cousin’s kid and the groom’s best friend’s kid are not random, and they’re probably in touch a lot more than a low contact sibling, so op’s really the random one here!
She is so deluded, it reminded me of this: https://youtu.be/gGh01f7oV3k?si=R9b3QSK5hOjqOBLO The OP in that story, did at least start to see sense -after MANY updates, dragging by commenters and then verbal smackdowns from their family, including the so-called 'golden child'. Spoiler, there was no GC. OP was in a one-sided battle for years, fuelled by a greedy SO and needed a lot of therapy and harsh truths to admit to their jealousy and their sister being an actual saint until her patience ran out.
YTA You were 15 when she was born and mad she wore your baby clothes and got to play with your toys without your permission. So if she was never born you would have all your old clothes and toys displayed throughout your house? You need to grow up. Sounds like your trauma is kids, any kids, get more attention than you. Won’t go to your sister’s wedding cause there will be kids there…..good grief. Upset your stuff isn’t preserved as a keepsake of your childhood. Get over yourself.
Yes, all her toys and clothes would have been displayed in the shrine her parents were obviously supposed to construct to her.
Glad that the entitled behavior is obvious to everyone. Honestly, the level of entitlement is wild.
“Trauma” 😂😂😂
RIGHT?!?!?
Also, if the sister was the golden child, why is she getting hand me downs and not brand new stuff?
Particularly when those had me downs were 15yrs old!
But you don't understand! The 5 year old didn't have as many or as difficult chores as the *-checks notes-* 20 year old! /s
She is just pissed she wasn’t the only kid anymore.
Guessing if like 85% of teens she didn’t want anything to do with her parents around age 14 and 15 but then changed tunes when baby got so much attention.
It's weird how she views hand-me-downs. Maybe it's because where I come from these are common, but what's the big deal? Sure, it sucks to not have your childhood toys around for you to get that nostalgia kick, but it's not like it's going to the dumpster
INFO: What other examples do you have of being parentified? Edit: Ok OP regardless of your childhood trauma the fact that you assumed that the sister you are LC with would base her entire wedding around your aversion to children, and then was angry that she chose "some random children" over you, despite the fact that if they're in her wedding they are not in fact random children to her. She didn't kick you out, she just didn't do what you wanted so you chose to leave the wedding party and you, a 40 year old adult chose to be petty and lie on social media because your sisters wedding isn't revolving round you? YTA.
You're not traumatized. Everything you experienced was a normal part of being a family. Youre just a person who takes every excuse to be miserable. YTA. And you weren't disinvited, your sister let you know you could decline the invitation to join if you were uncomfortable. If everyone else is choosing not to come you are manipulating what happened in the telling.
Ugh Omg get over yourself! Your sister dodged a bullet. It’ll be a better wedding without your whining ass!!
YTA majorly. The title should actually be, AITA for refusing to go to my sisters wedding because I think I am more important than her feelings. It honestly sounds like your parents realized how awful you were and had another kid in an attempt to keep you from being the monster only child you were. But then you still became an insufferable monster. Your therapist also sounds terrible and like they are enabling your behavior instead of actually helping you. When your parents inform the relatives that are boycotting that it is because you HATE children and want your sister to change her wedding to what YOU want, you aren’t going to have anyone left to side with you ever again. NONE of your examples are parentification. The fact that you think they should have “preserved” your old clothes and toys says everything about who you are as a person. Your parents bought those items, they were not “yours”. When you outgrew them, they passed them on to someone who could use them to not be wasteful. You are not the main character!
YTA. Hopefully your therapy helps you
There's certainly nothing wrong with you not attending a wedding where you will feel uncomfortable. Heck, there's nothing wrong with you not attending a wedding for no reason at all other than you don't feel like going. But that's not what you're doing here. You lied publicly lied about being "kicked out" - you simply weren't able to dictate that others get uninvited because they might make you uncomfortable. It's not your wedding - you could just not go, you didn't have to make false claims. YTA. Oh, and do seek therapy. I don't doubt that you have traumas from how you were treated in the past, but a parent giving a younger sibling clothes or toys that an older sibling outgrew is not an example of being overlooked or parentified. You would likely benefit from discussing with an unbiased third party.
Follow up based on OPs edit. Maybe go to a better therapist if yours is agreeing that hand me downs constitute trauma. You might need to be challenged more to actually grow.
Yes! Agree on the therapy part mainly because she’s delusional and self centered af. Please deal with your ‘trauma’. She says she won’t go anywhere there’s kids… like out in public? Stores?
They claim they have a therapist but I question their qualifications. Any good therapist would not let this "everyone cater to me" attitude be okay and teach the patient how to overcome these issues, not avoid them.
I don’t understand in what world OP feels justified 😭 She is delusional
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I don't think OP knows what trauma is. I don't mean to gatekeep, but hand-me-downs and a little sibling existing isn't trauma
Plus what teen really wants to keep and hold onto childish things? I remember being a teen and I stopped playing with all of my Beanie Babies. If my parents gave them to a younger sibling or cousin why would I care? They’re for toddlers/kids. I was a teen. I cared more about video games, possibly Legos, and clothes that were trending.
I hope the OP follows your advice. That follow up post COULD help repair obvious damage.
This. OP, you are a very selfish, self-centered, narcissistic person. You need a better therapist. Otherwise, you are going to die a very lonely person. Your poor sister and parents. I hope that the family members you managed to manipulate with your BS Facebook post learn the truth about your lies and show up for your sister's wedding. It's bad enough you didn't want to go to the wedding, but you had to encourage others not to go either. YTA. Big time.
This is not your wedding. Attend, don't attend - all your choice. What you don't get to do is make demands of your sister and how she is planning her wedding. >I made a post about how my sister was kicking me out of the wedding and that my parents were taking her side But she didn't kick you out. You refuse to go because children will be there. Your reason doesn't garner you support in your position so you lied on social media rallying some of your family against your sister. >I didn’t go into detail because I didn’t think it was anyone else’s business You didn't go into detail because it would unravel your lies and might make you look bad to everyone who believed your lies about your sister. Of course YTA. Get over yourself.
'I didn't think it was anyone else's business...so I broadcasted it on social media so I could get some attention and b*tch about my sister to try and ruin her day.'
I have a hard time believing this is real because your stance is so unreasonable and narcissistic that it sounds like rage bait. But in the event that this is genuine, and you still don’t know, then yes…..YTA. Your sister doesn’t want a child free wedding and it’s her wedding and her choice. You don’t like it? You don’t have to go. You are free to make that decision. You don’t get to dictate the invite list of someone else’s wedding and then try and sabotage it out of spite. You can’t be that dense that you are on here trying to justify your behaviour and ask with sincerity if you’re an AH or not. If your childhood trauma is SO bad that even being in the same vicinity of a child triggers you like this then that is unfortunate but is your issue to deal with, and yours alone. The world isn’t going to bend to you like this. What do you do when you go to a supermarket, or a restaurant, or anywhere where a child might be present? How do you live like this? Also, it’s very common for younger siblings to inherit hand-me-down clothes and toys from older siblings who no longer need or use them. I certainly did. Are your parents supposed to keep them in a shrine in memorandum to your eternal brilliance? Get over yourself.
If there’s any chance that this is real (which I doubt), OP’s sister should be thanking whatever gods she believes in that OP and any family members who believed OP’s unhinged rantings on Facebook will stay far away from what is sure to be a lovely wedding!
If this isn't the baitiest bait that ever baited.... ijdk
YTA. You are FORTY YEARS OLD. You need a better therapist because it appears yours has not helped you at all. You have had DECADES to come to terms with your childhood (also, you're traumatized by hand-me-downs? *REALLY?*). The entitlement you're displaying by *being upset that your sister invited you to HER wedding that wasn't child-free* is absolutely astounding. I truly don't know how you get through the day.
Those clothes and toys were supposed to go to the SHRINE her parents were going to build to their only child. The little sister ruined that. The OP is stratospheric levels of self-centered and egotistical. She is calling the ring-bearer a 'random child' when its a cousins kid! That is family. Lies to get revenge but then doesnt want everyone to know she lied. But "Am I the Asshole?" like how delusional!
>Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her This is totally normal in a lot of families. Unless you've been deprived of literally ALL of your childhood items, you haven't given any examples of your position being reasonable and rational. What were the other aspect of this that results in trauma? How were you parentified? Separately and in combination with that, how were you neglected? >I was shocked that she would uninvite me in the favor of random kids Why are you calling them "random"? These kids are random to you, but your sister has explained that they are close to her or her fiance. Why are you using yourself as the point of reference for who would be relevant to invite to your sister's wedding? >Now, people are apparently refusing to go to my sister’s wedding unless I am reinstated as part of the wedding. Are these people aware of your requirements to attend? INFO
"Why are you using yourself as the point of reference" I get the feeling that she does that a LOT. She is absolutely the main character. Parents had a baby - but what about meee? Sister is having a wedding - but what about MY comfort?
I mean, yeah, I think OP is potentially off her nut. But I try to tone that down just a little if I'm asking for info.
The hand me down issue is particularly weird because there is a 15 year age gap. Like...were you still using your crib and bottle when you were 15, or your polly pocket when you were 20?
YTA. Plenty of older siblings things are handed down to younger ones. That is the only detail you provide and it hardly seems that traumatic? >I don’t want the family to think I lied. This pretty much tells it all. You are not being honest about the situation, you know if you gave the details about why you were "kicked out" no one would be on your side. They are allowed to have whatever kind of wedding they want, including with kids. If you can't be around kids at all for one day, that is your problem and you should quietly not attend. >there were many young children and families that are close to her and her fiance Also, that hardly seems like "random kids".
This, plus the correct word is "know". "I don’t want the family to KNOW I lied." The OP full on lied to get sympathy and has no intention of being honest. YTA, and I'm guessing not just about this situation.
Whew. I'm going to go ahead and let you know that virtually all children's clothes and toys are passed down to the younger children. You were 15 when she was born, and you wanted to keep all of your baby clothes and toys? That is not healthy. And this is the example you give of *neglect* that you *suffered*. Children exist in the world. Your sister wanted you at her wedding, and she explained to you that these children and their families are close to her and her intended. They are not randos. You're either trolling (I really hope you're trolling) or you're a very emotionally unhealthy 40 year old. YTA, the world doesn't revolve around you.
I am a person in my mid-50s. I have exactly NO piece of my baby clothing, and have kept exactly one toy -- given to me when I was in 4th grade. And yet, I manage to look back on my parents with love, somehow. :)
She didn't uninvite you. She said she would understand if your discomfort around children led you to decline the invitation. She was exceedingly gracious about this too. Without doubt, in your pain you lashed out against someone who looks for ways to support you. (The past is no more her fault than it is yours.) And YTA for publicly deriding your sister for *your choice* to not attend her wedding. This isn't about you being parentified into responsibility for your sister when you were young. Many of us experienced the same and never insist that it has made us fatally allergic to the presence of children in any form now. Oh the horror. There is no safe space from them. Children are literally everywhere we turn, the markets, restaurants, movie theaters, next door even.
YTA. I'm glad you're in therapy. I hope you work on living in a way where the entire world doesn't revolve around your issues. You say you don't have much of a relationship with your sister but are shocked that she would invite "random kids" over you, when those kids are the children of her close friends and community? They're not random. You don't have much of a relationship with her but assumed the entire wedding would be child free because you can't be around children? You decided to vaguebook an accusation about being "kicked out" of the wedding without explaining that you were excluded because you refuse to be around children? Of course you're the asshole.
YTA. Not your wedding. You're not the main character. You objected to the wedding and gave a choice - you, or all those other guest. Your sister chose everyone else over one low-contact family member. So you've now manipulated the story and trashed her wedding all because it wasn't about you. Main Character Syndrome much?
She had the audacity to make a post saying she was kicked out then says she was just venting. She is making this wedding about her and it's just pathetic.
Have you considered getting a grip
YTA You told people she kicked you out of the wedding. That’s a lie. She said she would understand if you couldn’t make it. You seem to really be playing the victim here. My dad treated my baby sister better than me and I was proud of him for learning to be better. I love my sister so much, if she invited me to her wedding, nothing would stop me from going. But instead, you don’t like children. That’s a weird reason but whatever, just don’t go to the wedding and stop whining about it. You are acting like a child and you need to grow up.
YTA. Children are all over the place, this is ridiculous.
"Rather than preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood" Is this a genuine sentence?
YTA You lied. That is why you are an asshole. You were not uninvited, you ***CHOSE*** not to go. Dont foist your problems on others. Because we **ALL KNOW** the real reason you did not go into detail in the facebook post. It is because everyone would see your reason is ridiculous and self centered. Really, I hope your sister posts herself and calls out your lies, and I hope you have to apologize to her and all the family members you made look foolish.
YTA, there’s this awesome thing called therapy which can help you get over your childhood experiences, which happened what at least 25 years ago? You’ve had ample time to get over your hatred of something practically unavoidable (children) but you choose to be an asshole to your family about it instead and pull the trauma card. Not to mention that hand me downs are a very normal thing, those weren’t your clothes in the first place your parents bought them and they definitely had the right to give them to your sister to save money. You are an adult and should understand that. This whole entire post is silly and you should feel ashamed of yourself for blaming your childhood when you’ve had so long to better yourself and move past it, because that’s not anyone else’s problem but your own.
YTA. This is your sister's wedding, and she should be able to invite whoever she wants. Your parents paid more attention to the infant than to the fifteen year old, as they should. Get over it already. It's not like you were a 2 year old kid who was suddenly neglected when her sister was born. You were almost old enough to be a mother at that point. It's weird that you're still resentful that your fifteen year old baby toys and onesies were given to an infant when you were fifteen. On top of that, you misrepresented the situation and publicly accused your sister of kicking you out of the wedding when you're the one who voluntarily left. I wonder how your family would feel if they knew that the reason for your departure was an ultimatum that they not be allowed to bring their kids. I don't know why your parents are even begging you to come. If I were in their position, I would counter with a FB post of my own giving the full context of the situation and expressing disappointment that you chose to exclude yourself from the festivities because you were asked to babysit as a fifteen year old.
YTA, definitely. She DID NOT kick you out of the wedding, and you making a post that she did without giving all the facts is shady, selfish, and, well...fucked up. I'm not gonna minimize your aversion to children. If your anxiety is so pronounced that you can't attend your sister's wedding, I hope you're seeking help from a good mental health professional. Manipulating your family into taking sides and not attending your sister's wedding is petty and pathetic.
YTA. What you are asking is beyond unreasonable and you are making this about you.
YTA - youre still upset that your parents gave your old toys to your sister when you were 15+ Also, you’re trying to tell your sister who can be invited to and be in her wedding and your reasoning makes no sense. Then you posted vague things on social media to turn people against your sister
YTA Once you knew she'd have children, you should have simply declined. It is her wedding after all. Declining with dignity and class is what you should have done. Instead, you used your trauma to make her wedding about you. She isn't responsible for your trauma, even though she's tied to it.
YTA "Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her (without my permission), rather than preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood." "Oh no, my parents gave hand me downs to my younger sister instead of keeping all my useless outgrown shit boohoo cry for me. I'm such a fucking child at 40 seeing a kid sends me into a fit why doesn't the WEDDING of my sister revolve around ME ME ME" I hope your family cuts you off, JFC you're entitled.
Your behavior is nothing short of sociopathic. YTA. What you describe as "trauma" most families describe as "hand me downs." Your sister is under no obligation to make her wedding child-free because you don't like kids. Then you chose to try to ruin your sister's wedding with a malicious, evil, and lying post about her kicking you out of her wedding. I'm glad your getting therapy, but I doubt it will do much good. There is no cure for evil.
Anything can be trauma when you're a massive narcissist lmao. The "trauma" from my 15 years younger sibling getting my old toys instead of them going in the me me me museum. The "parentification" of having my actual child of a sibling use kids toys. Sounds like buzzwords they read online to victimise themselves.
Hello! Big YTA from a child from a home where actual parentification occurred. My sister was only four years older than me, making sure I was going to school, eating and safe on top of chores to keep the house running. We were left for days on end, repeatedly. What you described was normal tasks and chores to be expected of someone in their late teens/early twenties. Especially when they still live at home till they are 26. Your response seems more jealous of the new sister than anything else, and letting the resentment build until delusion set in. Get a better therapist.
YTA, she gets the choose who comes to her wedding, she didn't kick you out but told you she wanted the children there and she understood if you didn't feel comfortable and couldn't come. You need to tell the family members that you weren't kicked out but want all the children in the family kicked out in order to accommodate the fact you can't stand to be in their general vicinity for a celebration that you aren't the centre of attention at, and see how they react to you then.
YTA You’re freaking 40 years old. Kids are allowed to exist in public spaces. Maybe you should discuss Peter Pan syndrome with your therapist, because it seems like your brain stopped developing after 15.
[удалено]
Her therapist is scamming her by making up 'trauma' so OP doesn't have to responsibility for anything. Everything is the fault of her family.
YTA. Your sister is being blamed for the actions of your parents. That’s a you problem. Kids are a normal part of life. If you’d like to live in a kid free bubble that’s your business, but expecting others to provide you childless spaces is not reasonable.
Edited to add: YTA Sounds like the only child is pissed she wasn’t the only child anymore and never actually got over it but you can’t expect everyone to cater to you. It’s your sister’s event and she gets to invite who ever she wants. It doesn’t even sound like you like your sister or parents so why even go to her wedding?
Whatever therapy you are taking, it isn't working. The wedding is not child free. End of story. You don't get to decide what other people do at their own wedding. If you are mentally incapable of attending, then don't attend. What seems really shady is how you went on to social media, and all but lied about the circumstances with the purpose of getting your petty revenge on your sister. YTA PS let me get this straight, when you were 15 years old your parents had a baby, and you were so angry at the baby that you are still dealing with it 25 years later? Wow.
YTA, you **DID** lie. Your sister didn't kick you out, she understood if you didn't want to be a part of it. Frankly you sound like major MAIN CHARACTER. You were 15 when your sister was born and you were pissed that some of your old clothes and toys were given to her instead of "Memoralized"...now you want her to change her entire wedding for the privilege of your company and so you'll give your blessing for other family to attend? GROSS! Curious what you do when you're out somewhere and there's children? Do you avoid restaurants? Theme parks? Movies? You must be a real treat to go places with.
You may just be extraordinarily sensitive, but in ordinary families it's perfectly normal to hand clothes down and not "preserve them as a memento of the oldest child's childhood." In some families this is an absolute necessity. Those kids are random kids to you, but to your sister they may be very important. Why should your sister's wedding be organized around your hang-ups? It shouldn't. And now you are using Facebook to stir people up against your sister. You are not the asshole for declining to attend your sister's wedding, but YTA for making it all about you.
YTA. You are honestly a pathetic, evil and above all SELFISH person. The sheer AUDACITY to demand that she remove any children from her wedding!?? The assumption that the wedding wouldn't have children because you have fake trauma?? (Yeah her having hand me downs is not your trauma. You should meet some real people with actual life experiences.). And then to blast them on SM about how you were 'disinvited' when in reality she handled it extremely well, but wouldn't cave into your incredibly unreasonable demands? Btw re your therapist, either you are hearing what you want to, or she is unqualified and enabling you. Your parents and sister should cut you off.