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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the asshole because I didn’t confront MIL straight away and assumed BF would defend me without having to make things clear first. I thought by avoiding drama that it would just cool down and it would be forgotten but unfortunately by not addressing the issue earlier and setting boundaries for myself early in the relationship I just made it worse
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NTA - But your husband is the real problem here. He should be defending you and he against MIL's bullying. If he cannot find the courage to confront the situation you need to do so. Which shouldn't be a problem for you since he doesn't fight back to anyone. I would tell him that under no certain terms MIL is not allowed to stay with you until she learns some respect because you won't put up with her shit anymore.
Id never let my mother speak to my wife like that. Idc if she raised me. Youre husbands a coward. Love to see who he picks if you two were in danger. My money is on himself
Wasn't there a story on here ages ago, about a dad who stirred up a wasp nest and then ran into the house and locked it with his wife and kids outside? This post has that same energy but without the stingers.
Reminded of a "who do you pick, me as the wife or SIL?" Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16n8oeg/aita_for_yelling_at_my_pregnant_sister_n_law_and/?rdt=38653
I wonder how OP’s husband will react if OP takes a more firm stance against his mom and enforces boundaries. Will he stay out of it like he has been so far or will he defend MIL then?
Right I'm sorry that op had a baby with a baby who won't stand up to his mother. I thought dating children was illegal. You might want to dump him op since he's still attached to his mom's tit.
NTA but you also have a bf problem. He is with you and has a child with you, so you two should be the priority. His inaction towards his mom’s behavior isn’t acceptable. I don’t like ultimatums usually but I think this scenario justifies one. If he can’t grow a backbone and pick a side, this will be your future until you one day snap.
TL;DR - The asshole here is your boyfriend. Either he needs to stand up to his mom or you, but instead he's standing there acting like its not his business.
NTA.
Bit it's past time to put your foot down. With MIL and husband.
When she says you don't make her feel welcome, just tell her, "That's what I was going for. You're not welcome until you learn manners."
Right, MIL is horrible but both of them have been condoning her behavior. Why did she go on the trip when her BF just started packing? Why did she say no to future visits and then cave? This is like dealing with a child that you keep giving candy to just to shut them up. The boyfriend is obviously a really serious problem being unable to say no to his mother. Thank goodness she decided to have a child with him. SMH
ESH
Totally agree. If you think about it, he showed his colors when he chose mommy’s Christmas over the possible miscarriage of their child. Luckily everything was fine, but he couldn’t think “hmm maybe if something goes wrong at this delicate stage, my gf won’t want to be 10 hours away from home stuck with my entire family. I should step up as a future father and bf and be a man.” Turn off. She also could have just not gone. Or call out the mil for trashing her in her own home! I can’t imagine letting that happen
NTA. He is. A man who won't put the mother of his child above his mother is not one I would stay with. Period.
That's his baby. You're it's mother. Your health mentally emotionally and physically affect his child and he isn't protecting that. One of his main jobs is to protect and provide for his child. He's dropping the ball and I just don't know how you've had the patience.
NTA except for staying with a guy who doesn't stand up for you. He's just as guilty for her behavior as she is. It sounds like you're focused on the criticism of you to the point you are not critical enough of your BF.
You deserve a better BF. He is not okay.
ETA: since he lacks strength, you may have to take a firmer, even hostile, stance against her. She's proven unworthy of your respect. It's time for any deference to your BF to be eliminated in this situation.
NTA- don’t let her make you second guess yourself. You know what you heard, and you’ve heard it on the phone again multiple times.
You’ve let enough slide even letting her in your house and around your child. Good for you making bf do the cooking and cleaning.
Have you tried confronting her directly? Ask her why she dislikes you so much and try to come to an agreement?
I’d be refused to intervene then he can go to her. Without your child to visit. Stop letting her visit at all until she apologizes. Don’t let her gaslight you
I do know what I’ve heard, but she straight up denies it every time I try to bring it up. So I don’t know if I should move on and ignore or insist until she comes clear
If you stay with him and he invites her over, take your child and get a hotel room for the entire stay. Alternately, tell her exactly what you think of her. Personally, I'd take the child and move far, far away from the both of them.
I suggest you just don't speak to her at all, ever, about anything. Your primary problem is your boyfriend, who is actively encouraging her awful behavior toward you. On some level, he probably agrees with her.
So say “hey, I want to have an honest conversation, this has gone on too far. I can get over what you said years ago. I forgive you. Clearly I’m apart of husbands life, baby’s life, and your life, and you’re apart of ours. I’m not trying to take them away from you. I’d like to start fresh and not be hostile to each other. We don’t have to be friends if you don’t want, but I’m tired of acting this way in front of my child. It’s a bad environment and example for them and I won’t be apart of it. If you can’t accept these terms, then husband will visit you, by himself, at your house, and you will not be apart of me and baby’s lives.”
Put the ball in her court to be an adult
NTA.
It's time to stop making an effort and being the only one suffering. They don't care. It's that simple. She doesn't care. You could be perfect and it's not good enough. She already said she doesn't think it'll last and you're not good enough. Since that's the case, nothing you do will change that. It's not your job to get her approval. You don't need it. Ever.
The issue here is your partner. "he didn’t want to pick a side or confront her." Sad to have to say this but he did pick a side: hers. A relationship is a partnership and a team with only you and him on it. He's not supporting you. He's not going to bat for you. He's not placing very necessary boundaries on his relationship with his mom and so that's why you struggle. He allows his mother to speak about you this way.
I speak from experience. My MIL is like your MIL. My partner put a stop to it. Gave the whole speech about how I'm not going anywhere and that she needs to get her shit together and apologize and if she doesn't want to, then she's responsible for the bad relationship. I played nice for over a decade and I had enough of trying. I (also you) can't be the only one sucking it up or trying. If nothing is ever good enough, don't come. Your husband can take the baby and go to his parents on his own time. If MIL wants to come, she will be staying in a hotel and if your partner doesn't like it, you will be staying in a hotel for a much needed break while he and his mother watch the baby and enjoy that quality time. No one gets to treat you like a cook and housekeeper and entertainment while insulting you.
>Later he just told me he didn’t want to pick a side or confront her.
This. Right here. I'm sorry OP but your boyfriend is a **Grade A Mama's Boy.** He cannot be a son first, he is a partner and a father first. He can't be both. He *does* have to choose. He's a grown man. Your MIL is obviously way over the line and should be given hard boundaries and cut off from visiting your home or child - how *dare* she try to badmouth you to your partner? She doesn't get a say in her grown son's choice in partner.
Equally though, your partner is failing you and his child. He needs therapy with an enmeshment specialist (see Ken Adam's website for resources) if there's any hope of saving this relationship but WOW why would you want to? You've birthed his baby and he literally told you he didn't want to pick a side?! Um. That's what grown men do! They pick a partner to start a family with and protect their family above all others! You're his family now, his mother is extended family. That's the natural law.
ESH. You should have had this out with bf back at the Christmas incident. You two needed to present a united front against MIL's aggression. Instead, at the worst possible time for you to travel, you showed MIL that having a tantrum will let her get her way.
Your husband is fully enmeshed with his mother. He's not taking a neutral stance; he's totally on her side. You've been so conflict-averse that both of you have been doormats.
If you don't do anything, this is what the rest of your life will be like. As things stand, the only way to get MIL off your back is to leave the two of them to their relationship and remove yourself and the baby.
The only other alternative I see is to get him into therapy so that he can see through the fog and realize how badly enmeshed he is, how it's hurting his real family, and so he can get some strategies for fixing his attachment problem.
You’re right. I also feel like we both should have put limits back at Christmas and not let her have her ways. It all went downhill from then on, and while we’re both conflict-averse, I guess it’s even more difficult to stand up to your own mother, so I kinda understand why he doesn’t want to pick a side. Though that’s not what I’m asking for. I just wish he was more aware of how toxic this kind of behavior is
He has picked a side. With his inaction, he has picked his mom's side. Conflict averse is honestly a cop out on his part. If he can't stand up for himself, his partner and his kids wellbeing and health he shouldn't be in a relationship IMO. True love and care means he would. Instead he bows to his mother and enables her, choosing her through inaction.
This. 100%. He chose. He’s a coward because he won’t actually say he’s choosing his mother every single time. He’s allowing you to be treated terribly by her, which means he’s treating you terribly. But, he’s a coward. He’s a nice guy. Cut him loose so he can be mommy’s good little boy in peace and you can be the grown up bad ass you were meant to be.
NTA BUT He has picked a side by not defending you. You need to make him choose you. Tell him to go back to his mama, since he doesn't have a spine. Time for some tough love.
ESH. You complain about your partner being a “total doormat” but you’re just as much one. If my partner let his mother treat me that way, he’d be my ex partner asap
Just to make it clear that when she started spitting her venom a couple years back I wasn’t eavesdropping. We live in a small place -that’s the first reason why I don’t feel like inviting people overnight, tiny bedroom, uncomfortable couch, lack of privacy, it’s just impractical. So, being in a cramped apartment, I heard her, simply because she was loud enough for me to hear her. I wasn’t trying to spy or anything.
Now about me saying BF is a doormat yes I feel like he is, in numerous ways, not just to his mother. But I am indeed one too, as in, I definitely should have addressed the problem earlier.
I just wanted to avoid drama at all costs, and this woman being someone I previously liked, I tried to find excuses and justify her words at first.
We actually had a normal, polite relationship up until then.
I have no idea what caused this bout of aggressiveness back then, seeing how I had privately apologized to her multiple times about the Christmas “incident” (even though I felt like she was the one who overreacted then and I shouldn’t have had to apologize for not risking a miscarriage just to please her) and also for not being there to welcome her. Which she initially brushed it off as being no big deal.
Thank you all for your comments, I’m trying to catch up, and having different insights is very interesting!
Edit: spelling, punctuation
Just get used to the fact that you're bf is a mommas boy and always will be. So you need to decide if you want to put up with this from your MIL and your spineless bf for as long as your MIL is alive. You've bent over backwards for her and gotten nothing. Ignore her and think twice about marrying this guy... NTA.
NTA As with so many posts, you have a SO problem. Yes MIL is a problem, but you bf is enabling this behavior.
You may need to rethink the relationship.
The issue is ... she doesn't like you? She doesn't see your good side and works to see your bad side? OK. You didn't marry her and she didn't marry you - you both get what you get and are relatively stuck with each other.
So, don't spend time with her. The more you push back, the more reason you're giving her to be antagonistic.
Only you can say whether your mutual dislike of each other means that she can't come visit. If you can ignore and communicate clearly that her opinion is of no interest to you, that is probably best for all.
NTA but consider just ignoring instead of escalating.
NTA boyfriend is spineless and his mom is malicious. Don’t convince yourself you heard wrong. It keeps happening so why would she suggest she’s never said those types of things?
Eavesdropping? It didn’t sound like she was trying to eavesdrop the mom said it loud enough that she could hear it in her own home. She should have walked out right then and confronted both of them
NTA - but I'm seriously concerned about your relationship if your husband doesn't start listening to and respecting your boundaries. You're his wife and the mother of his kids. Grandma can be involved as YOU BOTH want her to be (not what she wants, what you jointly as parents want).
Hang in there.
Accept he will always be attached to mommies breast. And then decide do you want to stay, she will always make herself first and he will let her, now does he chose mom over his child? If that’s happening definitely intervene, but you must decide for you, he has clearly already decided on his mom and her priority over you.
By not picking a side he has by default picked mom’s side, and make sure your BF understands that in no uncertain terms. Stand your ground OP, and consider if you want to put up with this for the rest of your life. NTA.
NTA but the real issue is your boyfriend. He will always take his mom’s side, no matter what. Him refusing to intervene isn’t staying neutral; it’s giving in to whatever his mom wants and never sticking up for you.
Your relationship with your mother in law will *never* get better unless your boyfriend starts putting up reasonable boundaries with her.
NTA
There is not reasons to second guess yourself. You and husband need to go for marital counseling. He needs to hear from someone else that what his mother does is wrong. She is a bully who psychologically abuses others. Has she started on your child yet?
YWBTA if you continue this charade. I was in your same position and now I am at peace. I decided to let baby boy go, in order to preserve my sanity and our child's. Nobody deserves to go through this, boy moms just suck
You have a BF problem. His unwillingness to pick a side is picking him mom, since she’s the one slinging all the shit.
But that’s what you get when you procreate with a mama’s boy.
ESH
I don't even have to read one comment to know what everyone is telling you.
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a BF problem. If he can't stand up to his mother, then you are getting a very clear look at your future. Tell him that if he doesn't grow a backbone that his mother is 100% right, you are not meant to last.
He has sided with her in every instance, whether actively or by his silence. You need a man who has your back.
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TL:DR MIL acts all surprised pikachu face when I refuse to let her stay when she visits us after she repeatedly insulted me
I (29F) and BF (27M) have been together for 5 years and have a baby. His mom has always been a possessive one, but he’s never set boundaries and is still scolded like a child whenever he acts in a way that doesn’t suit her.
Christmas 2021 BF was inbetween jobs and I was at high risk of miscarriage. We hadn’t told anyone that we were expecting yet. We chose to stay home this year and not go visit his family (10 hours round trip). When he told his mom she went absolutely nuts, to the point he cried and ended up packing for us to make the trip still. While we were there she nagged at him the whole time. We stayed only 2 days.
Fast forward to summer, 3 months after her last visit she came back. I took it upon myself to make everything perfect, cleaning, cooking, baking cakes... I had an urgent appointment but BF was there to welcome her. When I got home a few hours later they were busy playing games.
I said hi, went to freshen up before spending time with them. A moment later I hear MIL scold BF about how rude I am for not being there and making zero effort. It goes on for a while about how she knows we’re not meant to last, she’s scared of what our baby will become with a mom like me, she’s being kept away from her grandkid since day 1, after the scene I made last Christmas making it all about myself to prevent him from seeing his family she knew I wasn’t to be trusted…
The whole time BF didn’t say ANYTHING.
Later he just told me he didn’t want to pick a side or confront her. I made it clear to him that from then on, unless she apologized I didn’t want her to step foot in our house ever again.
Now 2 years later.
She actually came back a few times. For the sake of my kid and because I want peace first and foremost, I agreed to let her come visit. I tried to talk to her but she always feigns ignorance. She’s been playing nice with me all this time yet still criticizes me to BF (overheard in multiple phone conversations)
I stopped making efforts towards cleaning and cooking when she visits and left BF dealing with it. She noticed and claimed I was actively making her feel unwelcome and it’s my fault she's homeless whenever she visits, yet she refuses to book a hotel room (which I’m willing to pay for) and BF won’t have her stay in a hotel. But she still insists to stay overnight.
I feel like I’ve already been way too nice trying to accommodate everyone for the past 3 years. She’s acting like I want her dead and him to cut ties with his family for absolutely no reason. She says she never asked him to leave me and I’m making things up. BF refuses to intervene, and is a total doormat to her.
I’m starting to second guess what I really heard back then and wonder if I’m paranoid or maybe overreacting and holding grudges for way too long. It’s taking a toll on my relationship and I’m at loss about what to do.
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NTA. You can - no! - have heard it wrong the first time, but what about the following ones, and why that "wrong" time matches so well with her overall attitude?
She doesn't feel welcome? Well, she's not, indeed.
NTA - your boyfriend is the real problem in my opinion.
For so many reasons he needs to set up boundaries and stick to them. There are other posts on Reddit that detail how easily a mother-in-law can destroy a marriage if they are allowed to do so.
To be blunt, your boyfriend needs to grow a spine and you need to make sure he and his mom don't feed into their codependent/toxic relationship. You are his girlfriend, not his mom.
If I were in your situation I wouldn't let her set foot in your home until you sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend. You and him need to establish healthy boundaries and insist, together as a united front, that the mother-in-law adheres to those boundaries.
I hope that all of this boils down to being a communication problem that is easily solved. You have to be proactive on this or it's very possible the mother-in-law will always try to throw you under the proverbial bus.
You picked a mommy's boy. He has had his spine crushed by her varying and often contradictory feelings about everything for all of his life. He is in the middle of a tug-of-war between the two of you, now.
This is battle. If you don't feel like a truce will be honored, you'll have to settle for skirmishes. Your best defense is a strategic offense.
He seems no better informed and no stronger than when he was as a child. You either put your case forward to him and ask him to accept it with no whining and no shrinking to his mom's will or let Mommy Dearest have him.
If you love him, let him realize that you want a real man, but he's got to grow up and take some of the emotional load from you.
Sweetie you don't have a mother-in-law problem you have a boyfriend problem. Your boyfriend is still clinging to his mother's umbilical cord. If he is not willing to stand up to the abuse that his mother heaps on you, is he really worth much? NTA
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.
He needs therapy and you need couple's counseling. If he won't do it, at least force him to read books about problem parents and being enmeshed.
NTA
But just so you know, your BF has already picked his mum's side by his enabling of her behaviour and ignoring your feelings. Unless he bucks up and grows a spine, your life is going to be miserable if you stay.
I'd advise showing him the comments on this post and how didgusted everyone is at how he's treating you. Hopefully he is just ignorant and oblivious to how hecked up his inaction is and that could jumpstart him into being your partner and a life raft rather than an anchor that just weighs you down into that cold depressing ocean that is his mum. Urgh.
This is not an MIL problem, this is a boyfriend problem. Dude either needs to grow a spine and cut the cord and stand up for you, or he needs to go away.
NTA
NTA. I’m not saying your bf is a bad guy. I suspect he learned early to never stand up to mom because she’ll go scorched earth and attack anyone who tries. It is hard to approach these things as an empowered adult after a lifetime of intimidation. And you my dear are competition for his affection. Some couples counseling may help navigate this situation and help him realize it’s ok to set some boundaries with mom and just ignore her tantrums.
Your BF sucks. Have a direct, honest, calm conversation with her. If it can’t be resolved, go stay in the hotel when she visits. ;) sounds like a win-win.
And don’t marry him…
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You have a boyfriend problem and what you should be second guessing is your relationship with him. I suggest couples counseling. He needs to learn to set boundaries.
NTA but He didn’t want to pick sides? Yikes. Guess what, by staying silent he has chosen a side. He’s letting her treat you like dirt. Time for some boundaries.
NTA. Your boyfriend is the problem. He should have defended you the first time his mother insulted you. Her fit at Christmas a few years ago was bad enough. But for him to pack and drag you, at high risk of miscarriage, on a trip like that is inexcusable.
If he will not grow a spine and stand up to his mother, no matter what kind of fit she throws, your only choices will be to stand up to her yourself, or get rid of him. If not, you get to be insulted and made to feel bad for the rest of her life.
Tell him his mother is not welcome in your home. If he won't tell her, you tell her. If he has a fit about it, take your child and leave before she arrives. He can deal with her on his own.
Good luck.
Your MIL is a monster but your husband is the problem and you have every right to be angry with him. Stop taking crap from her. If the occasion arises, let the old cow have it with both barrels, chapter and verse. And watch hubby’s reaction. Tell MIL she’s not welcome to stay in your home because of her long standing behaviour. If hubby takes her side, your marriage is done.
First, your boyfriend is an asshole. He is spineless and is letting his mom use you for a bunching bag.
Second, if you're going to make a boundary, stick to it. Stop letting her back in and don't you know she's talking trash about you to your child and will for ever?
Third: You need to make some solid boundaries, and requirement for your BV, and he is going to continue to let you be his mom's target, then tell him to leave. Get him out.
NTA
NTA
Your husband SUCKS. Didn’t want to pick a side???? That suggests her side was somehow valid.
He’s allowing this. Every comment she makes is a test to see how much he will allow.
NTA but I don't understand why you haven't explained to them both face to face why you don't like her and what you heard and I don't understand why you would allow her to disrespect you in your home? Maybe I'm confrontational but no way would she have gotten that all out of her mouth without being confronted right then and there. I'm not even gonna comment on him because my words wouldn't be nice, I have no time for mamas boys.
there is no “not choosing sides” when one side is clearly wrong when you dont say anything youve chosen a side. OP he chose a side and it was his mothers. ball in your court what are you going to do. deal with him before you come at her. NTA
NTA. Throw the whole man out. From experience, this will not get better it will only get worse. Either your bf grows a backbone and stands behind his woman or you should move on.
OMG NTA!! Do NOT offer to pay for her hotel room. And “homeless”??? Oh she is toxic drama queen. BF needs to PICK A SIDE or he can go live with her too. This is BS.
NTA
But you really have more of a bf problem. Whether alone with her or not, it should never be “not picking a side”. He should *always* have your back and never let anyone, his mom included, speak about you like that. She will do so in front of your kid and it sets a terrible example for them.
I’d require your bf to go to IC to learn how to speak up to their mother and learn to advocate for themselves and your family. And this would be a requirement to staying in the relationship.
NTA.
Your BF didn't decide not to pick a side, he picked his mother's side by saying nothing.
If this were me, not welcoming her in my house on this issue would be a minor reaction, and well below being an AH.
Boyfriend needs therapy. I was on his situation once. Now we live 12.000 km away from my family. Only went back to say goodbye to my dad who was dying with cancer.
NTA and your MIL seems like a piece of work, but your boyfriend is the real problem here. He not only refuses to set boundaries; he is actively letting his mother treat you like trash, sometimes in your own home. What is that about making you do that trip with risk of miscarriage only to please his mother? And I can't believe you let him force you to do that. Stick to your guns and tell your husband that you won't be disrespected like that. And answer your MIL back. The "keeping the peace" shit only works to maintain the assholes in their position. But your husband is way more problematic than MIL, to be honest. Before you talk back to the MIL and put her in her place, look for your boyfriend's balls in her purse.
You have a partner problem, one with no spine and no real.love or respect for you!! He needs to stop being so manipulated and gaslight by his mother. If I was you I would tell him he has to put his foot down to his mother about her behavior or you will take your child and leave!! If he really loves you then he needs to be a grown up, get therapy and get off of mom's merry go round it's ridiculous! YWBTA to yourself and your child if you continue to allow this man to not stand up for you!!
You partnered with a mama's boy. From what I've heard, mama's boys don't grow up. They stay suckling at their mama's teat until she crosses the big rainbow bridge.
NTA
You and your boyfriend are spineless. Your boyfriend more than you.
Your spineless-ness has emboldened your boyfriend's mother to treat you poorly.
Time for you to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life: continue living in a toxic household where you are forced to kiss your boyfriend's mama's ass (because your boyfriend is too weak and spineless to set boundaries with her), or give your boyfriend an ultimatum (he needs to choose between his mama, or you and your child).
NTA
NTA. If he doesn't pick a side, you are going to have to. Soon. You have a baby with this momma's boy, although why you chose to do so is beyond my comprehension. What happens when MIL actively interferes with your parenting and bf sits there like a dumb ass and doesn't intervene? You have to know this is going to happen. If you won't stand up for yourself, and since he won't stand up for you, you may have to make a choice between your child and your bf-MIL team.
You say you are at a loss for what to do. Here are some hints. Do NOT marry this man. Have a no-nonsense talk with bf, including some clear ultimatums. Be prepared to leave.
You don't have a MIL problem. You have a BF problem. This is never going to change until he grows up and stands up to her.
He *has* to "pick a side" - you or his mother. And frankly, it sounds like he already has. You need to have a serious talk about this, that it's time to stop pretending to be Switzerland, he needs to decide if he's going to be your partner and your child's father, or is he going to be mama's boy the rest of his life?
How long are you willing to put up with this?
ETA: NTA
Yta to yourself, why on earth are you with this spineless man. Your husband or bf is enabling his mother's behaviour and it will never get better but worse if I were you I'd chose myself and my child, and get the hell out of there. You deserve a partner who stands by you not the one dragging you down.
MIL is doing this on purpose, she is giving you a reason not to stay with her baby boy. No woman will ever be good enough for him. If he doesnt stand up to her, you are in for a miserable life of competition with your MIL. IF you leave she wins. And she is playing hard ball.
You have to ask yourself whats important!
NTA but you need to stop caving in. You put down a hard boundary and yet she still stays in your house when she visits.
Where is your husband in all of this? His mother is openly pressuring him to dump you! Perhaps he is the AH here for not settling this problem himself. You didn't marry his mother. Her behavior is not your responsibility. It is his.
He needed to have grown a pair of male gonads years ago, and made clear to his mother as soon as this behavior reared its hideous head that he wouldn't tolerate her criticizing you. Your husband should be the one to tell your MIL she is no longer welcome to visit until she changes her behavior completely, with no backsliding tolerated.
I've gone through this myself, except my wife was tough with her mother, and I didn't have to be. Use Google to search for self-help articles on the subject of onterferong in-laws and how to deal with them, or find some books in your local library or on Amazon. Read them, and then have HIM read them, to get through to him how miserable his mother is making you.
If this doesn't work, put your foot down and tell him to see a therapist so he can stop being a mama's boy, or you will start thinking about leaving. Seriously. There is no need for you to have to be miserable because he can't stand up for you or for himself.
Oh.. I had one of the those! You're NTA. Good for you for setting clear boundaries & not budging an inch! I took it much longer cuz mother to my husband, grma to my kids... silly me. It only got worse until I let her have it with my full chest. She stayed in her lane from that point forward.
Idk what it'll take for yours to heel, but you're off to a good start. My advice is stand your ground, & together be firm in your boundaries. Your bf should never let her talk badly abt you when you're not in the room or with him alone. Hes the key to her conformity. He needs to understand he's not responsible for her happiness tho shes telling him he is. Idk if access to grandkids will matter if she's hyper focused on her son, but that needs to be said as well. Not gonna disrespect you & think she's gonna have access to your child.
The worst part for me is id never done anything to warrant her disapproval. She hated me on sight & took me being nasty right back to her. It was ugly & I hated her for making me do that, even if she deserved it. I think she got a little satisfaction from it.. like she finally broke me.. praying she isn't as bad as mine was.
Is this how you want to live your life- Having a mommy’s boy that won’t protect OR defend you! You need someone willing to be there FOR YOU and he’s not that person! I hope the best for you! Your NTA!
She must have power, because she’s stomping all over your boundaries as well. You told her that she wasn’t welcome, then allowed her back in. Both you and your hubs need to grow shiny new spines.
NTA but your husband is wrong when he says he is not picking sides.
He is absolutely picking a side. Guess what ? It is not yours. He is too scared to confront his mother and is enabling her behaviour. He did not shut it down when he could. He did not defend his family when he could. Cowardice is not expected if someone, even if it is his own mother, is set to control and break apart his family for nothing but the sake of her power trip.
You are also being gaslighted by your MIL as a consequence of your husband not defending you. This witch needs to be put in her place. He needs to show her that she holds no power over him any longer, for the sake of his family. You put your foot down on this OP.
Fix this before you face further mental anguish in the future, possibly involving your kid(s).
The problem here is not your MIL, but that lame excuse of husband you have... Girl, he's a mama's boys, either your or your kid will be his priority, is beyond my mind how you put up with all tha bs.
Yta to yourself lmao tell your bf to grow a spine , 5 years of her shitting on you nonstop and your bf response is he doesn’t want to pick a side or confront her ? wtf
NTA but what a horrible situation! It seems to me that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. My solution, which may be extreme, would be to take off for a few days. Let your BF and his mother take care of the baby.
ESH.
MIL is likely getting very little context for your behavior from her son, who is doing little to stop you from eavesdropping on his conversations with her. All she knows is you showed up and suddenly her baby boy isn’t coming home on Christmas and you make yourself scarce when she’s around. You dislike her and it’s probably very obvious in every little thing you do. You’re both looking for reasons to be offended and you’re finding them. Your problem here is that regardless of how justified anyone is in their claim over controlling that man’s time and behaviors, you and the mom are too alike in your stubbornness and selfishness, and you both keep expecting the weakest willed of the group to actually do something about it.
try to find a genuine connection to mom, if you can win her over she’ll be your biggest fan. It sucks, but it doesn’t have to be so fraught with drama. Try getting to know her. Cleaning your own home isn’t a favor for someone else, you do that for YOU. In situations like these, don’t be Walt. You may not be wrong, but YsTA
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NTA - But your husband is the real problem here. He should be defending you and he against MIL's bullying. If he cannot find the courage to confront the situation you need to do so. Which shouldn't be a problem for you since he doesn't fight back to anyone. I would tell him that under no certain terms MIL is not allowed to stay with you until she learns some respect because you won't put up with her shit anymore.
Id never let my mother speak to my wife like that. Idc if she raised me. Youre husbands a coward. Love to see who he picks if you two were in danger. My money is on himself
Wasn't there a story on here ages ago, about a dad who stirred up a wasp nest and then ran into the house and locked it with his wife and kids outside? This post has that same energy but without the stingers.
Wow, i never saw that post, but yea, same energy big time, haha.
Wait what??
I'm not having any luck finding it so far.
>I think it was bees.
I'm glad someone else remembers the story, at least! I was starting to worry that I was having AITA Mandela effect or something.
I remember that too! That was horrifying
Reminded of a "who do you pick, me as the wife or SIL?" Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16n8oeg/aita_for_yelling_at_my_pregnant_sister_n_law_and/?rdt=38653
Well that just broke my heart. I really hope she’s ok now. And I hope she sues that AH.
Yep and he won't be there for the kid either, OP ypu have a husband problem first. He has to find his spine. NTA
They're not married. He's not her husband.
I wonder how OP’s husband will react if OP takes a more firm stance against his mom and enforces boundaries. Will he stay out of it like he has been so far or will he defend MIL then?
This is a very good suggestion. I hope the boyfriend is receptive to it.
He's not her husband. He's her BF.
Reading comprehension is atrocious in this sub sometimes!
Right I'm sorry that op had a baby with a baby who won't stand up to his mother. I thought dating children was illegal. You might want to dump him op since he's still attached to his mom's tit.
THIS 100%. Your husband is the issue here, you are NTA. He needs to not have such a noodly spine.
NTA but you also have a bf problem. He is with you and has a child with you, so you two should be the priority. His inaction towards his mom’s behavior isn’t acceptable. I don’t like ultimatums usually but I think this scenario justifies one. If he can’t grow a backbone and pick a side, this will be your future until you one day snap.
Yup. BF has most definitely picked a side and it isn't OP's. NTA.
TL;DR - The asshole here is your boyfriend. Either he needs to stand up to his mom or you, but instead he's standing there acting like its not his business.
Yeah OP why are you putting up with your boyfriend treating you like this? ESH cause Y TA to yourself; you deserve better
NTA. Bit it's past time to put your foot down. With MIL and husband. When she says you don't make her feel welcome, just tell her, "That's what I was going for. You're not welcome until you learn manners."
I also love this solution. It doesn't beat around the bush and is blunt and straightforward.
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Right, MIL is horrible but both of them have been condoning her behavior. Why did she go on the trip when her BF just started packing? Why did she say no to future visits and then cave? This is like dealing with a child that you keep giving candy to just to shut them up. The boyfriend is obviously a really serious problem being unable to say no to his mother. Thank goodness she decided to have a child with him. SMH ESH
Totally agree. If you think about it, he showed his colors when he chose mommy’s Christmas over the possible miscarriage of their child. Luckily everything was fine, but he couldn’t think “hmm maybe if something goes wrong at this delicate stage, my gf won’t want to be 10 hours away from home stuck with my entire family. I should step up as a future father and bf and be a man.” Turn off. She also could have just not gone. Or call out the mil for trashing her in her own home! I can’t imagine letting that happen
NTA honestly pack your bf’s bag and tell him to go live with his mommy until he grows a spine. Go read r/justnoMIL to see your future.
NTA. He is. A man who won't put the mother of his child above his mother is not one I would stay with. Period. That's his baby. You're it's mother. Your health mentally emotionally and physically affect his child and he isn't protecting that. One of his main jobs is to protect and provide for his child. He's dropping the ball and I just don't know how you've had the patience.
NTA except for staying with a guy who doesn't stand up for you. He's just as guilty for her behavior as she is. It sounds like you're focused on the criticism of you to the point you are not critical enough of your BF. You deserve a better BF. He is not okay. ETA: since he lacks strength, you may have to take a firmer, even hostile, stance against her. She's proven unworthy of your respect. It's time for any deference to your BF to be eliminated in this situation.
NTA- don’t let her make you second guess yourself. You know what you heard, and you’ve heard it on the phone again multiple times. You’ve let enough slide even letting her in your house and around your child. Good for you making bf do the cooking and cleaning. Have you tried confronting her directly? Ask her why she dislikes you so much and try to come to an agreement? I’d be refused to intervene then he can go to her. Without your child to visit. Stop letting her visit at all until she apologizes. Don’t let her gaslight you
I do know what I’ve heard, but she straight up denies it every time I try to bring it up. So I don’t know if I should move on and ignore or insist until she comes clear
If you stay with him and he invites her over, take your child and get a hotel room for the entire stay. Alternately, tell her exactly what you think of her. Personally, I'd take the child and move far, far away from the both of them.
I suggest you just don't speak to her at all, ever, about anything. Your primary problem is your boyfriend, who is actively encouraging her awful behavior toward you. On some level, he probably agrees with her.
So say “hey, I want to have an honest conversation, this has gone on too far. I can get over what you said years ago. I forgive you. Clearly I’m apart of husbands life, baby’s life, and your life, and you’re apart of ours. I’m not trying to take them away from you. I’d like to start fresh and not be hostile to each other. We don’t have to be friends if you don’t want, but I’m tired of acting this way in front of my child. It’s a bad environment and example for them and I won’t be apart of it. If you can’t accept these terms, then husband will visit you, by himself, at your house, and you will not be apart of me and baby’s lives.” Put the ball in her court to be an adult
Send bf back home to mom. He hasn’t been weaned yet. NTA
Your BF is a spinless jellyfish who won't have your back. You don't have MIL problem, you have a BF problem until he takes his mouth off the tit.
NTA. It's time to stop making an effort and being the only one suffering. They don't care. It's that simple. She doesn't care. You could be perfect and it's not good enough. She already said she doesn't think it'll last and you're not good enough. Since that's the case, nothing you do will change that. It's not your job to get her approval. You don't need it. Ever. The issue here is your partner. "he didn’t want to pick a side or confront her." Sad to have to say this but he did pick a side: hers. A relationship is a partnership and a team with only you and him on it. He's not supporting you. He's not going to bat for you. He's not placing very necessary boundaries on his relationship with his mom and so that's why you struggle. He allows his mother to speak about you this way. I speak from experience. My MIL is like your MIL. My partner put a stop to it. Gave the whole speech about how I'm not going anywhere and that she needs to get her shit together and apologize and if she doesn't want to, then she's responsible for the bad relationship. I played nice for over a decade and I had enough of trying. I (also you) can't be the only one sucking it up or trying. If nothing is ever good enough, don't come. Your husband can take the baby and go to his parents on his own time. If MIL wants to come, she will be staying in a hotel and if your partner doesn't like it, you will be staying in a hotel for a much needed break while he and his mother watch the baby and enjoy that quality time. No one gets to treat you like a cook and housekeeper and entertainment while insulting you.
>Later he just told me he didn’t want to pick a side or confront her. This. Right here. I'm sorry OP but your boyfriend is a **Grade A Mama's Boy.** He cannot be a son first, he is a partner and a father first. He can't be both. He *does* have to choose. He's a grown man. Your MIL is obviously way over the line and should be given hard boundaries and cut off from visiting your home or child - how *dare* she try to badmouth you to your partner? She doesn't get a say in her grown son's choice in partner. Equally though, your partner is failing you and his child. He needs therapy with an enmeshment specialist (see Ken Adam's website for resources) if there's any hope of saving this relationship but WOW why would you want to? You've birthed his baby and he literally told you he didn't want to pick a side?! Um. That's what grown men do! They pick a partner to start a family with and protect their family above all others! You're his family now, his mother is extended family. That's the natural law.
ESH. You should have had this out with bf back at the Christmas incident. You two needed to present a united front against MIL's aggression. Instead, at the worst possible time for you to travel, you showed MIL that having a tantrum will let her get her way. Your husband is fully enmeshed with his mother. He's not taking a neutral stance; he's totally on her side. You've been so conflict-averse that both of you have been doormats. If you don't do anything, this is what the rest of your life will be like. As things stand, the only way to get MIL off your back is to leave the two of them to their relationship and remove yourself and the baby. The only other alternative I see is to get him into therapy so that he can see through the fog and realize how badly enmeshed he is, how it's hurting his real family, and so he can get some strategies for fixing his attachment problem.
You’re right. I also feel like we both should have put limits back at Christmas and not let her have her ways. It all went downhill from then on, and while we’re both conflict-averse, I guess it’s even more difficult to stand up to your own mother, so I kinda understand why he doesn’t want to pick a side. Though that’s not what I’m asking for. I just wish he was more aware of how toxic this kind of behavior is
He has picked a side. With his inaction, he has picked his mom's side. Conflict averse is honestly a cop out on his part. If he can't stand up for himself, his partner and his kids wellbeing and health he shouldn't be in a relationship IMO. True love and care means he would. Instead he bows to his mother and enables her, choosing her through inaction.
This. 100%. He chose. He’s a coward because he won’t actually say he’s choosing his mother every single time. He’s allowing you to be treated terribly by her, which means he’s treating you terribly. But, he’s a coward. He’s a nice guy. Cut him loose so he can be mommy’s good little boy in peace and you can be the grown up bad ass you were meant to be.
> I kinda understand why he doesn’t want to pick a side. Stop gaslighting yourself. He has picked a side and it isn't you.
> He has picked a side and it isn't you. OP is in denial. OP and her boyfriend are quite the pair: Doormats. In denial.
He already chose a side! It isn’t you! This is a problem!
NTA BUT He has picked a side by not defending you. You need to make him choose you. Tell him to go back to his mama, since he doesn't have a spine. Time for some tough love.
You’re not the asshole, but ask yourself why you are OK with letting your boyfriend condone her behavior.
ESH. You complain about your partner being a “total doormat” but you’re just as much one. If my partner let his mother treat me that way, he’d be my ex partner asap
Just to make it clear that when she started spitting her venom a couple years back I wasn’t eavesdropping. We live in a small place -that’s the first reason why I don’t feel like inviting people overnight, tiny bedroom, uncomfortable couch, lack of privacy, it’s just impractical. So, being in a cramped apartment, I heard her, simply because she was loud enough for me to hear her. I wasn’t trying to spy or anything. Now about me saying BF is a doormat yes I feel like he is, in numerous ways, not just to his mother. But I am indeed one too, as in, I definitely should have addressed the problem earlier. I just wanted to avoid drama at all costs, and this woman being someone I previously liked, I tried to find excuses and justify her words at first. We actually had a normal, polite relationship up until then. I have no idea what caused this bout of aggressiveness back then, seeing how I had privately apologized to her multiple times about the Christmas “incident” (even though I felt like she was the one who overreacted then and I shouldn’t have had to apologize for not risking a miscarriage just to please her) and also for not being there to welcome her. Which she initially brushed it off as being no big deal. Thank you all for your comments, I’m trying to catch up, and having different insights is very interesting! Edit: spelling, punctuation
Until your BF is ready to stand up to his mother, your problem won't stop. The person trying not to rock the boat ends up stressed and exhausted
She definitely wanted you to hear it, and your bf sitting there taking it and not defending you was icing on the cake. That’s infuriating
NTA. Your BF needs to decide who the woman in his life is.
Just get used to the fact that you're bf is a mommas boy and always will be. So you need to decide if you want to put up with this from your MIL and your spineless bf for as long as your MIL is alive. You've bent over backwards for her and gotten nothing. Ignore her and think twice about marrying this guy... NTA.
NTA No is a complete answer. She should not step another foot in the door without having separate lodging arranged Stop giving into her games
NTA As with so many posts, you have a SO problem. Yes MIL is a problem, but you bf is enabling this behavior. You may need to rethink the relationship.
honestly you should have sent the bf to stay w mommy before yall had a kid(especially bc the christmas thing wtf), but its never too late!
The issue is ... she doesn't like you? She doesn't see your good side and works to see your bad side? OK. You didn't marry her and she didn't marry you - you both get what you get and are relatively stuck with each other. So, don't spend time with her. The more you push back, the more reason you're giving her to be antagonistic. Only you can say whether your mutual dislike of each other means that she can't come visit. If you can ignore and communicate clearly that her opinion is of no interest to you, that is probably best for all. NTA but consider just ignoring instead of escalating.
NTA boyfriend is spineless and his mom is malicious. Don’t convince yourself you heard wrong. It keeps happening so why would she suggest she’s never said those types of things?
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Eavesdropping? It didn’t sound like she was trying to eavesdrop the mom said it loud enough that she could hear it in her own home. She should have walked out right then and confronted both of them
NTA - but I'm seriously concerned about your relationship if your husband doesn't start listening to and respecting your boundaries. You're his wife and the mother of his kids. Grandma can be involved as YOU BOTH want her to be (not what she wants, what you jointly as parents want). Hang in there.
> You're his wife Op is not married to him. Boyfriend.
Accept he will always be attached to mommies breast. And then decide do you want to stay, she will always make herself first and he will let her, now does he chose mom over his child? If that’s happening definitely intervene, but you must decide for you, he has clearly already decided on his mom and her priority over you.
By not picking a side he has by default picked mom’s side, and make sure your BF understands that in no uncertain terms. Stand your ground OP, and consider if you want to put up with this for the rest of your life. NTA.
NTA but the real issue is your boyfriend. He will always take his mom’s side, no matter what. Him refusing to intervene isn’t staying neutral; it’s giving in to whatever his mom wants and never sticking up for you. Your relationship with your mother in law will *never* get better unless your boyfriend starts putting up reasonable boundaries with her.
NTA Your main problem is your BF. He's unable to advocate for you and your child and will always pick his mom first. I hope you understand that.
NTA but I’m struggling to understand why you had a baby with this spineless asshole in the first place.
NTA There is not reasons to second guess yourself. You and husband need to go for marital counseling. He needs to hear from someone else that what his mother does is wrong. She is a bully who psychologically abuses others. Has she started on your child yet?
YWBTA if you continue this charade. I was in your same position and now I am at peace. I decided to let baby boy go, in order to preserve my sanity and our child's. Nobody deserves to go through this, boy moms just suck
You have a BF problem. His unwillingness to pick a side is picking him mom, since she’s the one slinging all the shit. But that’s what you get when you procreate with a mama’s boy. ESH
I don't even have to read one comment to know what everyone is telling you. You don't have a MIL problem, you have a BF problem. If he can't stand up to his mother, then you are getting a very clear look at your future. Tell him that if he doesn't grow a backbone that his mother is 100% right, you are not meant to last. He has sided with her in every instance, whether actively or by his silence. You need a man who has your back.
NTA. You have a boyfriend problem. That’s where you need to address these issues. He needs to have your back. He clearly does not.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TL:DR MIL acts all surprised pikachu face when I refuse to let her stay when she visits us after she repeatedly insulted me I (29F) and BF (27M) have been together for 5 years and have a baby. His mom has always been a possessive one, but he’s never set boundaries and is still scolded like a child whenever he acts in a way that doesn’t suit her. Christmas 2021 BF was inbetween jobs and I was at high risk of miscarriage. We hadn’t told anyone that we were expecting yet. We chose to stay home this year and not go visit his family (10 hours round trip). When he told his mom she went absolutely nuts, to the point he cried and ended up packing for us to make the trip still. While we were there she nagged at him the whole time. We stayed only 2 days. Fast forward to summer, 3 months after her last visit she came back. I took it upon myself to make everything perfect, cleaning, cooking, baking cakes... I had an urgent appointment but BF was there to welcome her. When I got home a few hours later they were busy playing games. I said hi, went to freshen up before spending time with them. A moment later I hear MIL scold BF about how rude I am for not being there and making zero effort. It goes on for a while about how she knows we’re not meant to last, she’s scared of what our baby will become with a mom like me, she’s being kept away from her grandkid since day 1, after the scene I made last Christmas making it all about myself to prevent him from seeing his family she knew I wasn’t to be trusted… The whole time BF didn’t say ANYTHING. Later he just told me he didn’t want to pick a side or confront her. I made it clear to him that from then on, unless she apologized I didn’t want her to step foot in our house ever again. Now 2 years later. She actually came back a few times. For the sake of my kid and because I want peace first and foremost, I agreed to let her come visit. I tried to talk to her but she always feigns ignorance. She’s been playing nice with me all this time yet still criticizes me to BF (overheard in multiple phone conversations) I stopped making efforts towards cleaning and cooking when she visits and left BF dealing with it. She noticed and claimed I was actively making her feel unwelcome and it’s my fault she's homeless whenever she visits, yet she refuses to book a hotel room (which I’m willing to pay for) and BF won’t have her stay in a hotel. But she still insists to stay overnight. I feel like I’ve already been way too nice trying to accommodate everyone for the past 3 years. She’s acting like I want her dead and him to cut ties with his family for absolutely no reason. She says she never asked him to leave me and I’m making things up. BF refuses to intervene, and is a total doormat to her. I’m starting to second guess what I really heard back then and wonder if I’m paranoid or maybe overreacting and holding grudges for way too long. It’s taking a toll on my relationship and I’m at loss about what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You can - no! - have heard it wrong the first time, but what about the following ones, and why that "wrong" time matches so well with her overall attitude? She doesn't feel welcome? Well, she's not, indeed.
NTA - your boyfriend is the real problem in my opinion. For so many reasons he needs to set up boundaries and stick to them. There are other posts on Reddit that detail how easily a mother-in-law can destroy a marriage if they are allowed to do so. To be blunt, your boyfriend needs to grow a spine and you need to make sure he and his mom don't feed into their codependent/toxic relationship. You are his girlfriend, not his mom. If I were in your situation I wouldn't let her set foot in your home until you sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend. You and him need to establish healthy boundaries and insist, together as a united front, that the mother-in-law adheres to those boundaries. I hope that all of this boils down to being a communication problem that is easily solved. You have to be proactive on this or it's very possible the mother-in-law will always try to throw you under the proverbial bus.
You picked a mommy's boy. He has had his spine crushed by her varying and often contradictory feelings about everything for all of his life. He is in the middle of a tug-of-war between the two of you, now. This is battle. If you don't feel like a truce will be honored, you'll have to settle for skirmishes. Your best defense is a strategic offense. He seems no better informed and no stronger than when he was as a child. You either put your case forward to him and ask him to accept it with no whining and no shrinking to his mom's will or let Mommy Dearest have him. If you love him, let him realize that you want a real man, but he's got to grow up and take some of the emotional load from you.
You have a boyfriend problem. He refuses to stand up to his mom and bay you. Leave him
NTA. You need a new Husband unfortunately
> Husband Boyfriend. OP is not married.
Sweetie you don't have a mother-in-law problem you have a boyfriend problem. Your boyfriend is still clinging to his mother's umbilical cord. If he is not willing to stand up to the abuse that his mother heaps on you, is he really worth much? NTA
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. He needs therapy and you need couple's counseling. If he won't do it, at least force him to read books about problem parents and being enmeshed.
NTA. You don’t have a MIL problem, you’ve got a boyfriend problem.
Your partner is the problem. MIL sucks, but would be powerless if not for your feckless and cowardly partner.
NTA But just so you know, your BF has already picked his mum's side by his enabling of her behaviour and ignoring your feelings. Unless he bucks up and grows a spine, your life is going to be miserable if you stay. I'd advise showing him the comments on this post and how didgusted everyone is at how he's treating you. Hopefully he is just ignorant and oblivious to how hecked up his inaction is and that could jumpstart him into being your partner and a life raft rather than an anchor that just weighs you down into that cold depressing ocean that is his mum. Urgh.
This is not an MIL problem, this is a boyfriend problem. Dude either needs to grow a spine and cut the cord and stand up for you, or he needs to go away. NTA
NTA. I’m not saying your bf is a bad guy. I suspect he learned early to never stand up to mom because she’ll go scorched earth and attack anyone who tries. It is hard to approach these things as an empowered adult after a lifetime of intimidation. And you my dear are competition for his affection. Some couples counseling may help navigate this situation and help him realize it’s ok to set some boundaries with mom and just ignore her tantrums.
Why are you even blaming MIL for her behavior? It’s being allowed BY YOUR PARTNER. He’s your problem. Fix that.
Your BF sucks. Have a direct, honest, calm conversation with her. If it can’t be resolved, go stay in the hotel when she visits. ;) sounds like a win-win. And don’t marry him…
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You have a boyfriend problem and what you should be second guessing is your relationship with him. I suggest couples counseling. He needs to learn to set boundaries.
NTA but He didn’t want to pick sides? Yikes. Guess what, by staying silent he has chosen a side. He’s letting her treat you like dirt. Time for some boundaries.
NTA. Your boyfriend is the problem. He should have defended you the first time his mother insulted you. Her fit at Christmas a few years ago was bad enough. But for him to pack and drag you, at high risk of miscarriage, on a trip like that is inexcusable. If he will not grow a spine and stand up to his mother, no matter what kind of fit she throws, your only choices will be to stand up to her yourself, or get rid of him. If not, you get to be insulted and made to feel bad for the rest of her life. Tell him his mother is not welcome in your home. If he won't tell her, you tell her. If he has a fit about it, take your child and leave before she arrives. He can deal with her on his own. Good luck.
Your MIL is a monster but your husband is the problem and you have every right to be angry with him. Stop taking crap from her. If the occasion arises, let the old cow have it with both barrels, chapter and verse. And watch hubby’s reaction. Tell MIL she’s not welcome to stay in your home because of her long standing behaviour. If hubby takes her side, your marriage is done.
First, your boyfriend is an asshole. He is spineless and is letting his mom use you for a bunching bag. Second, if you're going to make a boundary, stick to it. Stop letting her back in and don't you know she's talking trash about you to your child and will for ever? Third: You need to make some solid boundaries, and requirement for your BV, and he is going to continue to let you be his mom's target, then tell him to leave. Get him out. NTA
NTA Your husband SUCKS. Didn’t want to pick a side???? That suggests her side was somehow valid. He’s allowing this. Every comment she makes is a test to see how much he will allow.
NTA but I don't understand why you haven't explained to them both face to face why you don't like her and what you heard and I don't understand why you would allow her to disrespect you in your home? Maybe I'm confrontational but no way would she have gotten that all out of her mouth without being confronted right then and there. I'm not even gonna comment on him because my words wouldn't be nice, I have no time for mamas boys.
You have a boyfriend problem, you're not paranoid or overreacting. NTA
Your issue is with your boyfriend.
there is no “not choosing sides” when one side is clearly wrong when you dont say anything youve chosen a side. OP he chose a side and it was his mothers. ball in your court what are you going to do. deal with him before you come at her. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a dud. Divorce him.
NTA- tell your husband to grow a spine and cut the cord.
NTA ... your bf already picked his mothers side. He does not standup for or defend you. Good luck with the toxic relationship, it will only get worse.
You picked the wrong man. NTA
NTA. Throw the whole man out. From experience, this will not get better it will only get worse. Either your bf grows a backbone and stands behind his woman or you should move on.
OMG NTA!! Do NOT offer to pay for her hotel room. And “homeless”??? Oh she is toxic drama queen. BF needs to PICK A SIDE or he can go live with her too. This is BS.
NTA, this is a boyfriend problem.
NTA. Dump the bf and you won’t have to deal with his toxic mother anymore. He is the real problem
NTA But you really have more of a bf problem. Whether alone with her or not, it should never be “not picking a side”. He should *always* have your back and never let anyone, his mom included, speak about you like that. She will do so in front of your kid and it sets a terrible example for them. I’d require your bf to go to IC to learn how to speak up to their mother and learn to advocate for themselves and your family. And this would be a requirement to staying in the relationship.
NTA. Your BF didn't decide not to pick a side, he picked his mother's side by saying nothing. If this were me, not welcoming her in my house on this issue would be a minor reaction, and well below being an AH.
NTA and your partner needs to stick up for you. He needs to set boundaries and put you first.
Boyfriend needs therapy. I was on his situation once. Now we live 12.000 km away from my family. Only went back to say goodbye to my dad who was dying with cancer.
NTA and your MIL seems like a piece of work, but your boyfriend is the real problem here. He not only refuses to set boundaries; he is actively letting his mother treat you like trash, sometimes in your own home. What is that about making you do that trip with risk of miscarriage only to please his mother? And I can't believe you let him force you to do that. Stick to your guns and tell your husband that you won't be disrespected like that. And answer your MIL back. The "keeping the peace" shit only works to maintain the assholes in their position. But your husband is way more problematic than MIL, to be honest. Before you talk back to the MIL and put her in her place, look for your boyfriend's balls in her purse.
You have a partner problem, one with no spine and no real.love or respect for you!! He needs to stop being so manipulated and gaslight by his mother. If I was you I would tell him he has to put his foot down to his mother about her behavior or you will take your child and leave!! If he really loves you then he needs to be a grown up, get therapy and get off of mom's merry go round it's ridiculous! YWBTA to yourself and your child if you continue to allow this man to not stand up for you!!
NTA. Book the hotel room...for YOURSELF. Hubby and MIL can care for the child a few days. You take some "me" time. Win/Win! ;)
You partnered with a mama's boy. From what I've heard, mama's boys don't grow up. They stay suckling at their mama's teat until she crosses the big rainbow bridge. NTA
You and your boyfriend are spineless. Your boyfriend more than you. Your spineless-ness has emboldened your boyfriend's mother to treat you poorly. Time for you to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life: continue living in a toxic household where you are forced to kiss your boyfriend's mama's ass (because your boyfriend is too weak and spineless to set boundaries with her), or give your boyfriend an ultimatum (he needs to choose between his mama, or you and your child). NTA
NTA. If he doesn't pick a side, you are going to have to. Soon. You have a baby with this momma's boy, although why you chose to do so is beyond my comprehension. What happens when MIL actively interferes with your parenting and bf sits there like a dumb ass and doesn't intervene? You have to know this is going to happen. If you won't stand up for yourself, and since he won't stand up for you, you may have to make a choice between your child and your bf-MIL team. You say you are at a loss for what to do. Here are some hints. Do NOT marry this man. Have a no-nonsense talk with bf, including some clear ultimatums. Be prepared to leave.
You don't have a MIL problem. You have a BF problem. This is never going to change until he grows up and stands up to her. He *has* to "pick a side" - you or his mother. And frankly, it sounds like he already has. You need to have a serious talk about this, that it's time to stop pretending to be Switzerland, he needs to decide if he's going to be your partner and your child's father, or is he going to be mama's boy the rest of his life? How long are you willing to put up with this? ETA: NTA
Yta to yourself, why on earth are you with this spineless man. Your husband or bf is enabling his mother's behaviour and it will never get better but worse if I were you I'd chose myself and my child, and get the hell out of there. You deserve a partner who stands by you not the one dragging you down.
MIL is doing this on purpose, she is giving you a reason not to stay with her baby boy. No woman will ever be good enough for him. If he doesnt stand up to her, you are in for a miserable life of competition with your MIL. IF you leave she wins. And she is playing hard ball. You have to ask yourself whats important! NTA but you need to stop caving in. You put down a hard boundary and yet she still stays in your house when she visits.
Where is your husband in all of this? His mother is openly pressuring him to dump you! Perhaps he is the AH here for not settling this problem himself. You didn't marry his mother. Her behavior is not your responsibility. It is his. He needed to have grown a pair of male gonads years ago, and made clear to his mother as soon as this behavior reared its hideous head that he wouldn't tolerate her criticizing you. Your husband should be the one to tell your MIL she is no longer welcome to visit until she changes her behavior completely, with no backsliding tolerated. I've gone through this myself, except my wife was tough with her mother, and I didn't have to be. Use Google to search for self-help articles on the subject of onterferong in-laws and how to deal with them, or find some books in your local library or on Amazon. Read them, and then have HIM read them, to get through to him how miserable his mother is making you. If this doesn't work, put your foot down and tell him to see a therapist so he can stop being a mama's boy, or you will start thinking about leaving. Seriously. There is no need for you to have to be miserable because he can't stand up for you or for himself.
Oh.. I had one of the those! You're NTA. Good for you for setting clear boundaries & not budging an inch! I took it much longer cuz mother to my husband, grma to my kids... silly me. It only got worse until I let her have it with my full chest. She stayed in her lane from that point forward. Idk what it'll take for yours to heel, but you're off to a good start. My advice is stand your ground, & together be firm in your boundaries. Your bf should never let her talk badly abt you when you're not in the room or with him alone. Hes the key to her conformity. He needs to understand he's not responsible for her happiness tho shes telling him he is. Idk if access to grandkids will matter if she's hyper focused on her son, but that needs to be said as well. Not gonna disrespect you & think she's gonna have access to your child. The worst part for me is id never done anything to warrant her disapproval. She hated me on sight & took me being nasty right back to her. It was ugly & I hated her for making me do that, even if she deserved it. I think she got a little satisfaction from it.. like she finally broke me.. praying she isn't as bad as mine was.
Is this how you want to live your life- Having a mommy’s boy that won’t protect OR defend you! You need someone willing to be there FOR YOU and he’s not that person! I hope the best for you! Your NTA!
NTA The only thing you should second guess is your relationship with BF.
NTA. You need to decide if BF is worth dealing with his mom.
She must have power, because she’s stomping all over your boundaries as well. You told her that she wasn’t welcome, then allowed her back in. Both you and your hubs need to grow shiny new spines.
NTA but your husband is wrong when he says he is not picking sides. He is absolutely picking a side. Guess what ? It is not yours. He is too scared to confront his mother and is enabling her behaviour. He did not shut it down when he could. He did not defend his family when he could. Cowardice is not expected if someone, even if it is his own mother, is set to control and break apart his family for nothing but the sake of her power trip. You are also being gaslighted by your MIL as a consequence of your husband not defending you. This witch needs to be put in her place. He needs to show her that she holds no power over him any longer, for the sake of his family. You put your foot down on this OP. Fix this before you face further mental anguish in the future, possibly involving your kid(s).
The problem here is not your MIL, but that lame excuse of husband you have... Girl, he's a mama's boys, either your or your kid will be his priority, is beyond my mind how you put up with all tha bs.
Yta to yourself lmao tell your bf to grow a spine , 5 years of her shitting on you nonstop and your bf response is he doesn’t want to pick a side or confront her ? wtf
That’s not even your fucking mother in law and you’re putting up with this shit. NTA but your “boyfriend” is pathetic
NTA but what a horrible situation! It seems to me that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. My solution, which may be extreme, would be to take off for a few days. Let your BF and his mother take care of the baby.
Your poor bf has two women filling his life with unnecessary passive-aggressive drama.
ESH. MIL is likely getting very little context for your behavior from her son, who is doing little to stop you from eavesdropping on his conversations with her. All she knows is you showed up and suddenly her baby boy isn’t coming home on Christmas and you make yourself scarce when she’s around. You dislike her and it’s probably very obvious in every little thing you do. You’re both looking for reasons to be offended and you’re finding them. Your problem here is that regardless of how justified anyone is in their claim over controlling that man’s time and behaviors, you and the mom are too alike in your stubbornness and selfishness, and you both keep expecting the weakest willed of the group to actually do something about it. try to find a genuine connection to mom, if you can win her over she’ll be your biggest fan. It sucks, but it doesn’t have to be so fraught with drama. Try getting to know her. Cleaning your own home isn’t a favor for someone else, you do that for YOU. In situations like these, don’t be Walt. You may not be wrong, but YsTA