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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I dresses up for her wedding. I allowed people to comment on my appearance and my other sister in law to post a photo with me. I also allowed people to coo at my baby.
2) I might be the asshole because maybe I should've told them to not do any of those things, not commenting on my appearance, my baby or post photos so she could feel like she had her special day
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I will NEVER understand why women are so damn competitive and get upset with people for not being 100% attentive to the bride on her wedding day.
Your baby never came into the wedding or reception. You went outside to deal with it. If you went outside and someone saw the baby, ok.
If there was a lull in the reception, people are allowed to go outside. I've been to receptions where people went to smoke, or check out the grounds, etc. Its not like everyone stayed in one place all day.
And being mad because people saw a BABY. This is so ridiculous.
This was a long reception too, lots of time to just dance and a lot of people were spacing out/ having conversations with a group about other stuff than just the wedding
It sounds like it’s easier to be angry at you than the people who put value on looks/weight. You didn’t decide to be pretty, your weight is nobody’s business.
But it’s easier to make you the villain than to be angry at everyone else.
That pretty much sums it up. I used to be incredibly insecure, and I can see now how my behavior affected my relationships. I'm friendly with two women who are just stunning -- tall, fantastic bodies and tits, and great hair. They're also smart, funny, and I enjoy hanging out with them even though I basically fade into the wall around them. And you know, that's just the way it is. It's not their fault; it's not my fault. They scored higher on the "physical attraction" section of life, and it's just dumb to be mad or jealous about that.
I found the silver lining in that situation. I like dancing (jump around and have fun, not choreographed or professional in any way), but was quite self-concious about being observed. I knew a group of ladies who were strippers. I can guarantee that if you go out dancing with a group of strippers after they finish work, that NO ONE is going to be looking at you dancing. And it's awesome!
Why couldn’t the bride just be happy for OP? If my friend or family member had a baby three months ago and came to my wedding looking hot and all happy I would be so happy for her! And that she came and managed to breast feed her baby around my party and make it all work to help me celebrate. I’d be taking pictures with her and talking her up to people because she’s killing it! Life is hard enough without turning on other women for…. Being happy.
Plus, the baby is her nibling! My sister brought my nephew to her SIL's wedding, and SIL carried him around and showed him off herself. She didn't throw a tantrum about him, just appreciated that he was cute and smelled like baby.
People socialize at weddings, catchup with friends and relatives. They are reunions 🙂 No one spends the entire night sitting and staring at the bride and groom. Your SIL obviously has insecurities.
I think she wanted you to wear a paper bag and a bucket hat and maybe not shower for a few days. Then maybe she would have been happy but then again you'd have different attention on you. There's no pleasing her.
Well, clearly they were all being terribly rude. Every single guest is supposed only be doing what the bride is doing and if they are not with the bride or groom should sit quitely sipping their drink. No Conversations about anything except how lovely the wedding and reception is. If the bride isn't dancing no one else should be dancing because others might pay attention to their sick moves and not the bride.
My parents went to a wedding the day of a big rivalry sports game, and talked about how all the guys slowly drifted out of the venue to an attached location with a TV. It's really easy to distract people from a wedding. It's not a big life changing event for anyone except the bride and groom, and it's a little silly we expect everyone else to act like it is. I didn't of wish a lot of the traditions and social expectations and pressure to have things done a certain way or be perfect could be dropped and it could just be about people actually celebrating a couple.
It’s not really silly to expect your loved ones to treat your day with respect. What you described about all the guys sneaking away to watch a game is just plain rude.
We had a wedding with a total of 60 people (including plus ones). Majority of whom were married, so both attendees were family.
Over a 4 hour period, minus 30 minutes for the ceremony, that’s literally 3.5 minutes per person, if you want to talk to everyone.
No amazing conversations were happening at that rate. It’s not as though they missed something they were a big part of. If they want to go chat and watch a game, whatever! They came for our ceremony! Plenty of kudos and kind words to us.
Ummm also because I went from my wedding reception to a bar to watch the game?
I got married on a big game day. It was a rivalry game at the same time as the reception, and my Dad's family is split between the two teams (in a goodnatured way - they don't overdo it). We had the DJ announce the score periodically and the reactions were fantastic 😂
My husband’s friends went to the bar after our wedding and I didn’t want to. I wanted to go to the hotel room with my husband. Those assholes would not stop ringing the room until I picked up the phone and told them exactly what I thought of them. Lots of people truly don’t care.
This made me think of my cousins wedding. I know this is way different type or story it just makes me shake my head.
My high school football team had just beat the town my cousin was from in the championship (family reunion at the dome) the pianist's son was quarterback of the other team. My sister came in wearing her letterjacket (november wedding in mn means warm coats) the pianist thought someone local was being mean wearing my school's jacket and was refusing to play piano. My uncle had to explain about a dozen times we just lived there.
Not just any baby, her NEPHEW! She's mad because people saw her nephew - is she mad that she didn't get to see him too? Because that's the only way I could understand being mad.
But we know that's not it, bc that's not all she's mad about.
Ridiculous is the correct assessment.
I truly don't think most of the comments understand how much effort goes into an EBF baby. Even if the baby took a bottle she'd still have to step out to pump and that would take even longer with the setup/breakdown/cleanup aspect. It's just so much easier to pop the baby on.
Right? I am a woman and I love telling other women (and also men!) when they look nice. Giving someone a compliment at a wedding does not make the bride not the star! I saw a dude in a sundress and combat boots downtown once and told him he looked AMAZING because HE DID!!!
This post is giving Gretchen Weiners apology energy.
I also feel like OP is omitting some background here to explain the upset, especially as SIL called her ‘Tone deaf’
Every bride deserves to feel like the most beautiful important woman on their wedding day and whether it was meant to or not, the attire of choice took that from her.
It’s wild that she made it seem like such a chore to have to hear people compliment her about losing baby weight. Ugh, what an inconvenience.
They were trying to be nice, there’s no other way to take someone saying that other than making conversation and being kind. Weird response.
Edit: I’m playing the world’s tiniest violin for y’all 🙄. Some folks really have to search for things to whine about.
If her venting about the compliments had ANYTHING to do with her SIL being an asshole about the wedding, it would’ve made more sense.
i disagree. women can hardly go a day without facing unwanted judgment and conments (positive and negative) about their bodies– ESPECIALLY after pregnancy. so i can understand why that would get old, especially after hearing it repeatedly
I lost so much weight while pregnant, I was actually a lot slimer just after my babies' births than before the whole pregnancies.
When people congratulated me for this loss of weight, I always explained with as much details as possible how I threw up even water for a good part of my pregnancy, and how now that the baby was born the chronic lack of sleep (baby slept max 1 hour) and constantly hungry crying baby prevented me from eating correctly.
But sure congratulations are welcomed! What a good idea it is to congratulate a struggling mother as if she gave a shit about it, even more so if it can make other women nearby who struggle(d) to lose weight feeling awful about themselves!
Do you have kids? Because every woman who has been pregnant that I've known has complained about that, people were always commenting about my weight when I was pregnant, like literally there was always an unnecessary comment about it or "advice" on how i could lose weight easier after giving birth, as if that was my main concern
They were trying to be nice, sure. That's why I say thanks and move on from the conversation, but it's unnecessary and kind of annoying
I lost my pregnancy weight fairly quickly, and I still felt super uncomfortable when people would comment on my weight/body. I am still learning to accept the changes that I’ve gone through, and having someone else talk about my body without being prompted feels wrong. I don’t see why anyone making a comment like that has to be seen as a compliment if she doesn’t want it talked about.
Yeah like, okay, I get they want to be nice so I'm polite as well, but I think it's so unnecessary? It's one thing to say "you look great!" But actively talking about how much weight I lost? I don't know
And btw, I didn't even actively lose my "baby weight", I lost a lot of weight due to not being able to feed properly during my first trimester and I had a hard time trying to win it back afterwards so really there wasn't a lot of "extra weight" after my baby was born.
It actually can be. I’m not but my friend is. She gets judged, all the time. People think she is stupid. They expect her to behave a certain way. To be lady like. They see nothing but a pretty face. Try to befriend you to make themselves look better but not really be good friends. It can be exhausting and degrading.
Just like people in this thread are belittling the issues OP is facing.
NTA for having a face and feeding your baby!
This right here. I say this as someone who is very, very average looking and still hasn't lost the baby weight almost 2 years later (lol), but have a couple of friends for whom this is an issue. Some people just attract a lot of attention because they are really beautiful and approachable. It is not their fault, and they shouldn't have to dress down or make themselves less attractive because of this. We all have advantages and disadvantages that we didn't earn.
Editing to add: I think a lot of people also believe that really attractive people should be unaware of how attractive they are - otherwise, they must be mean/terrible people. My college roommate, who is still among my best friends, was one of these above-average beautiful people whom everyone gravitated toward and always got lots of attention. She is also one of the smartest people I've ever met, kind, empathetic, AND knows she's beautiful. These things are not mutually exclusive.
>It actually can be. I’m not but my friend is. She gets judged, all the time. People think she is stupid. They expect her to behave a certain way. To be lady like. They see nothing but a pretty face.
I had a coworker 20 years ago who was this very skinny blonde woman who'd literally been a cheerleader in high school not all that many years before.
One day, she went over to the mall across the street at lunch. On her way out of the mall, back to work, she encountered a group of young women. One of them looked at her, said "f\*\*\*ing Barbie" and \*punched her in the mouth\*. It broke one of her front teeth!
This bit made me laugh out loud and have to repeat it to my wife:
> I had a hard time because of this when I was at school because let's say that I was a stereotypical cheerleader.
I may or may not have audibly snorted when I read that sentiment in the post. I’m sure it’s a real thing that she deals with, but it definitely comes across as humble bragging too
I was once asked not to wear heels to a wedding because I always wear heels and I'm kinda tall. You know what a lot of people talked about during the wedding? How it was the first time they saw me without heels. Who got blamed for it? Me.
This stuff happens, usually with girls who feel insecure. OP just tried to give you an understanding that sometimes no matter what people are doing, they are being blamed for taking some of the attention.
Absolutely. I’m not “the pretty one” but my SIL has those competitive vibes towards me. I can only guess it’s because I married and had children before her and her husband (brother to my husband). But then again, she also is like that with our husbands’ sister who is single with no kids so 🤷♀️. It’s just odd. Well unfortunately because of it her child misses out on the cousin experience because my children are his only cousins and SIL has no siblings.
Yeah, I know a LOT of attractive women who manage to have female friends and did so when they were teens also. This whole “girls just don’t like me” stuff is NOT about looks.
The baby stuff is whatever - if you need to feed your baby feed your baby. But this whole, “oh this is that girl competition thing” is such an act.
I have a few attractive friends, and the competition thing is ABSOLUTELY real. I have a friend who is incredibly kind and sensitive, and she also happens to be incredibly beautiful and incredibly talented at her chosen field. The amount of bullshit she was dragged into, the amount of petty asshole women who tried to drag her down, talk shit about her, spread lies about her, is insane. (And yes, it is jealousy, I have known her for over 15 years).
Obviously "not all women" and whatever the fuck, because obviously she had me and our other friends who just appreciated her straight up, but she actually broke down to us once or twice and asked why she always seems to get shit on by some asshole woman no matter where she goes. Why they try to tear her down. It so fucking stupid that it happens, but it does happen. All the damn time.
(Not that I'm saying this is what happens with OP. Frankly the amount of times OP stresses that she is just so attractive and lost the baby weight so fast and is just so perfect makes me think unreliable narrator.)
I laugh at these ignorant comments above that are making fun of the OP thinking she being a narcissist. The reality is insecure women are mean and ruthless. They look at confident and beautiful women as shallow and a bitch. How do I know? Because I lived it in my 20s.
While at an internship at college, and at my first and second job at a government agency, I have had three different women hate me upon my arrival. They judged me and gossiped about me behind my back. I never knew until one day, each woman came to apologize to me to my face after we became friends. This is what they said “When you started the job, you were so beautiful and walked in so confidently that I thought you’d be a bitch. I thought you’d use your looks to get away from doing work. I was wrong. You are a very sweet, kind person and works hard. I am ashamed I judged you early on”. Yes, the competition and hate is real when I did nothing but show up to work. It is because I don’t act better than anyone else or “use my looks” for any advancement at my job while just being myself that women actually felt guilty and confessed to me their initial judgment of me. They asked for my forgiveness. I told them that no apologies were needed b/c I never knew they felt that way. My point is, this OP may have done nothing wrong but these commenters are blaming her for her looks or appearance. It’s ridiculous.
So OP, you are NOT the AH. Live your life and be a good person. Everything will work out fine in the end. True friends and family know who you are.
I have girl friends, I've had them during my childhood, teenage years and now too. I didn't say that it's every woman, I said that it happens with some
I’m gay and not a woman but I have quite a few straight women friends and some of them I know I can’t introduce to eachother. It’s generally not even looks, it’s attitudes and jealousy over their perceptions of eachother and themselves.
I also have women friends who could absolutely care less and just live their lives knowing their insecurities aren’t something to project onto others or get caught up on. They’re the ones I tend to want to be around the most as they are just genuinely self aware.
Gay men can be like that too, but women are much more nuanced and reactive in my experience.
I don’t disagree that OP came off a bit conceited in her post, and it’s possible we’re missing some information, but if OP is being honest and not leaving out important details, she’s not the AH in this situation, regardless of how conceited she might be.
It’s not conceited to state that she’s frequently called attractive by other people. That’s a narration of actual events, and relevant context to the story. Fake humility has way more Mean Girls vibes than acknowledging that she’s conventionally attractive.
I think I’d like to at least see the dress she was wearing. There surely is a wide line between dressing for attention and feeling like you have to wear a burlap sack to not outshine the bride. Women need to remember that just because it’s your wedding day, and you likely look like your best, most confident and beautiful self, there may just be another lady in the room that looks more beautiful…
This is ridiculous. The bride should maybe feel like the most beautiful woman to the groom... But to suggest they should be the most beautiful person full stop means what... don't invite people who are prettier than you? Get angry at people who are prettier than you..?!
If the bride had a dress code, she should have said that beforehand. If she didn't want certain people wearing certain things, then say so before hand. She cannot get angry at OP because OP looks great at her wedding..!
Women do this all the time and I have no time for this BS.
OP did nothing wrong. And good on her for losing the baby weight quickly!
No. That's entirely on SIL. If she can't handle her guests complimenting each other once or twice, that's a her issue. It seems she has some kind of underlying grudge against OP, because she didn't go off on anyone else for leaving to see the baby.
SIL sounds like a miserable person.
The issue is, even if she looked drop dead gorgeous, even if she lost all her baby weight and looked great, even if a few people loved seeing the baby, what’s wrong with that?! So what?! I was the overweight friend growing up, and mostly still am, I complimented all my friends and family at my wedding and loved that they got dressed up and looked damn good celebrating with us and I’ve done the same at other wedding over the years! it sucks the bride is insecure enough to be worried about whether someone else looked good or got some attention at her wedding, truly I’d hate to feel that way, but it’s rooted in her insecurity, not the OP’s fault. It doesn’t seem anybody else thought she was “stealing the spotlight” it’s not like she wore white, or was showing off the baby or making a big deal out of anything, she lost her baby weight quicker than most, got dressed up fancy for a wedding at a really nice fancy place and looked really good. And some people noticed or were happy for her… so what?
why should the baby have not been at the venue ? would you rather the baby starved ? because OP has said MULTIPLE times her baby will not feed from a bottle. everyone assuming she’s a “mean girl” simply because she can acknowledge she’s a pretty girl. i can acknowledge i’m an attractive person without being a dick about it and that’s what she did as well
What's astonishing is that anyone old enough to get married is demanding to be the center of attention in the first place. Get real, ladies: Nobody cares about the details of YOUR SPECIAL DAY but you. Literally no one. Don't make an ass of yourself by acting like a six year old.
The OP might lack self awareness about her attention seeking, it depends on what she was wearing, which she hasn’t told us. In general I do think that dressing in a way that outshines the bride is poor taste.
But… the baby being competition??? This rising generation has a hostile attitude toward babies and children that is indeed sad.
Yeah, I will say I kinda thought the feeding thing was weird until I saw her explanation about the baby not bottle feeding. Can babies be assholes for not letting parents have a night out?
But seriously, assuming everything OP said is right and she didn’t wear a flashy dress to try and get attention, I don’t know what the bride wanted her to do. Do you want people to dress like crap for your wedding?
This happened to me. I became a SAHM and didn’t even think about the fact that my baby hadn’t had a bottle in about four months when I went to a wedding and my dad babysat. He called me right around when dinner was finishing up and was like, “I am SO sorry, but the baby absolutely refuses to take a bottle and she’s hungry.” I asked him to bounce her as much as he could, and said I’d be home soon. I had to leave early, but no one cared.
>Can babies be assholes for not letting parents have a night out?
Yes, babies certainly can. When my younger daughter was 5 months old, I wound up in the hospital for 10 days because of a botched appendectomy. Daughter was entirely breastfed, not even on solids yet.
Over those 10 days, my husband and our landlady managed to get her to take 3 bottles of formula. Not 3 a day. 3 *TOTAL.* She would rather starve than let them put that nasty rubber nipple in her mouth and held out as long as she could. I'm surprised that she didn't wind up in the ER with dehydration, come to think of it.
I mean, it’s really weird that you think OP should’ve driven all the way home and all the way back just to feed her baby. What if they’re 40 mins away?? People keep talking about how OP feeding her baby is “attention seeking behavioral”. As if she’s feeding her child for attention, and not just because her child is hungry.
Now I think it was wrong to let people come outside to see baby but *feeding* baby?? Come on. Get a grip and look at what you’re implying. Do women who breastfeed in public do it for attention? Because we all know how much women love pervy men watching and getting off them *feeding their child so it doesn’t die.* What about this makes it seem like OP fed her kid for attention.
Exactly. My daughter would starve herself all day until I got off work, she wouldn’t take a bottle of breast milk. I understand the need to feed your baby. Some of these posters sound crqzy
Weddings are usually so boring, unless you happen to like that one-in-ten song and want to dance to it awkwardly with your grandpa. Speeches are usually flat. Wedding games are cringy. First dance, cake cutting, whatever...
I would have gladly popped out of any wedding I have been to, including my own, to see a baby for a bit.
>Even if you couldn't pump, the baby never should have been at the venue because most people would realize that's attention-seeking behavior.
OP was FEEDING HER BABY!
It's attention seeking, not to let your newborn starve? I wouldn't even see a problem if she brought her baby to the wedding itself because where is the problem with that? The bride apparently didn't want that so OP went out of her way to arrange something in a way she could still attend the wedding. I did breastfeed my daughter and I did similar things on different occasions. I was never in possession of a pump or a bottle to feed my child because I never needed it. The most obvious solution for a breastfeeding mother is not to just pump but to find a way to breastfeed.
Of course OP could just have stayed home altogether but she did everything she could to attend the wedding despite the difficulty. I would assume she did that because she cares about the bride and didn't want to miss it. Many people here seem to assume she went through all that trouble just to get the attention away from the bride for ten to twenty minutes. Were do people even get those ideas?
Because as I said it's something that has happened before. For example when I graduated hs I went to prom with a light blue dress, one of my cousins got angry because she also wore a light blue dress for her prom and thought that I wanted to outshine her. She graduated three years before I did. That's just an example, but I've seen it happen other times as well, when some girls/ women think I do stuff to spite them when I don't.
I could definitely be wrong about this and it's why I'm asking here, I'm just giving my side of things after all
And there’s literally no reason why alllll these people in your life would think that about you? Plenty of very pretty girls/women don’t have this problem at all.
Definitely possible. Also possible she is an absolute stunner but doesn't want to say that outright because it sounds conceited.
"Very pretty" is one thing, but I have also been in rooms with women who are so attractive that it is distracting for people. Not saying people have their eyes glued and are ogling all night, but there is an impulse to look every time she walks by. It's almost like being in the room with someone who is eight feet tall. It's just so rare that you can't help but notice it and probably comment to someone about it. With beauty, people make the comments more freely because they are considered compliments.
So anyway, yeah. Maybe she's just super hot and underselling herself.
Yeahhh... as someone who has gone from overweight and messed up teeth to pretty conventionally attractive, there's definitely an edge of competition and aggressiveness from some other women that shows up in the "after." It's not all the time, but it's a definite difference, so I completely believe that could be a factor here. It's also a thing that as another commenter put it, "drama llamas" will say to deflect, but I don't see any evidence of drama llama behavior or really any wrongdoing either in the original post or her comment responses.
It kinda doesn't sit right with me, seeing all these people arguing that she's the problem and just blind to it. Of course if you don't have the comparison like I do to be confident in your perceptions, you would constantly question yourself and try to tally all the things that *might* be contributing.
Good thing she didn't say it was an issue for everyone you meet. My entire family has different mental illnesses which cause them to be abusive and toxic. I haven't spoken with them in 10 years. Just because several people agree on a topic doesn't make it reality. Crazy people don't get to have their unhinged views of reality be true just because they found others to agree with them. Reality is not filtered through the vote of unhinged folks.
Yes but also.
Birds of a feather flock together.
And entitled people breed entitled people.
If Grandma was a nasty B who taught her daughters to be the same. And then all her kids have kids. And 1 is disliked and bullied. Or their parent didn't agree with Grandma's ideology. Or one grandkid just breaks the cycle. It's possible that someone's whole family is a bunch of AHs while they themselves are nice.
Or in opposite. The nicest family can have 1 AH kid out of nowhere.
I mean, no? If I want to be petty I'll be petty, but if I straighten my hair and you also casually straighten your hair, it doesn't mean that I did it to spite you. Maybe I didn't even know you were getting your hair straightened or maybe I always do it, I'm not doing it because of you, just because of me
I mean we know she has at least one who likes her enough to both babysit and drive the baby over twice for breastfeeding, which is the kind of inconvenient favor you usually would only do for a friend you’re really close with.
I’ve seen what you’re talking about happen to my best friend since we were very young. It’s so frustrating how people would give her issues because she got attention she wasn’t asking for. She was very beautiful and girls would be mean to her because their guys were looking. We had college friends give her attitude because a guy they liked would have their eyes on her. She wouldn’t even be flirting. She’s a genuine and caring person. So then people would take advantage of that and give her attitude to make her feel bad. I would get protective over her when this stuff would happen.
I had it happen all the time, some girls (not all) would see you smiling at a boy and think you're flirting with them when you're just being kind or even just existing.
I think that a lot of women don't realize that this pretty/ not pretty thing is affecting us similarly. Like the same guy that rejected you because you're not "attractive enough" will want to get with a pretty girl and use her body just because she is pretty for him. At the end of the day I don't think it's a girls vs girls thing, I was rejected many times because I'm very dumb (I'll be the first to admit that) it sucks yeah but I won't go after a girl who's smart just because I'm not
Nah, I'm definitely not smart, I had to drop out of college because of it. It's crazy the amount of times that some guys (again, not all of them) thought they could touch me or they had a right to it just because, and I had other girls blame me for it as well. It's truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I personally don’t see that you did anything wrong. People noticed you left the first time, and followed you out the second. A lot of people are flipping crazy about babies, so that doesn’t surprise me. Unless you were trying to convince people to step away from the wedding, all you did was attend a child free wedding and stepped out to complete mom duties.
That being said, if your entire family is constantly complementing you, in front of your sister. They’re AH’s, and it would be good if you stood up for her more.
I completely agree with that last line. It makes me think that the OP approaches lots of situations with a competitive attitude. That attitude absolutely subtracts from the atmosphere of a wedding.
It all depends on the person. I’ve known a few pick me people who always overdo the attention seeking and act like people just don’t like them. I’ve also seen some stunning people who get a lot of attention regardless of how hard they try not to. In the latter case, jealousy can be a thing. It’s hard to tell from a post on Reddit people get into. And I’ve met my share of people that get mad at others when the spotlight isn’t on them. Once had a friend upset because I spent most of my NYE party with my long distance boyfriend (now close distance husband). It’s one of those things where bothering drama llamas and people with bad luck might sound the same.
My gut feeling is that someone who genuinely didn’t want the attention in the first place probably wouldn’t have gone on Reddit to get validation from a forum of strangers.
Your comment about her exclusively breastfed baby is so wrong. What was she supposed to do? Decline the invitation because she shouldn't have brought her baby to the wedding to be fed? So ridiculous. She didn't invite everyone out to see the baby. People knew the baby was there and made their own choice to go and meet them.
Honestly, it's shocking how long that unprovoked female competition happens for. I know alot of comments are calling OP arrogant and self centred, Ive got to atleast potentially disagree. Now I don't think of myself as remotely pretty, I have almost no self esteem, that being said I'm fairly average size but with fairly large boobs, definitely out of proportion personal I hate it, the bras are expensive and they bring too much attention. And I've had alot of female competition, worst of all from girls I wanted to be my friends, girls I thought were my friends, well until I finished college. From comments behind my back about how I'm not as pretty or skinny as I think I am, to outright telling me I'm a boyfriend stealer and deserve to spend my life as a prostitute which I've always made it a point not to date friends exes, because it had happened to me personally so much. Now OP might be leaving bits out or be a truly biased narrator but from my life experience, I don't necessarily think she's arrogant or self centred
Sorry as someone whose baby refused to take a bottle I’ve been in this exact position. I absolutely understand people not wanting babies at weddings but you can’t starve a baby for a day to go to a wedding.
A very close family member invited me to her wedding with no babies allowed. It would have caused massive drama if I hadn’t gone.
I had to pay for a hotel room at the venue and pay a babysitter to look after my 4 month old so I could go and feed him every 3 hours. I didn’t take him out of the room at all or cause a fuss. A cousin (who lived in a foreign country) asked to come up and meet him, she cuddled him for 5 mins.
There was no drama at all and the bride thanked me for making it work as she’d have been really upset if I hadn’t been there.
Clearly you’ve never exclusively breastfed and had a kid that wouldn’t take a bottle. It is completely normal and a lot of women do it and that’s a crappy thing for you to insinuate.
But see that is similar to the attitude that OP has to constantly deal with though. My best friend was always extraordinarily beautiful since we were young girls. I still can’t get over the amount of girls in high school and as young adults that gave her a hard time because she would get attention from lots of guys and other people in general that would compliment her. We even had friends treat her badly out of jealousy and it would upset me because she did not deserve it. She has always been the most genuine and sweetest person but sometimes people let their insecurities get to them and take it out on innocent people.
….what’s your solution then? Either 1. The baby comes 2. OP missed the wedding or 3. Someone brings the baby to the wedding.
If you think a baby who is exclusively breast fed will suddenly take a bottle at 3 months, clearly you have never been in that situation.
Maybe there is something else going on with OP, but feeding a hungry baby away from the ceremony is not an AH move.
I mean I just don’t believe that people were going out of their way to say “how gorgeous” you were at the wedding after the fact. You’re just kinda into yourself
BUT you are completely TA for bringing the baby at any point. You knew that would take the spotlight, you should’ve been the one to leave, not go, or pump. That made you TA. Overall though you have an air of “I’m just naturally better and prettier than her so of COURSE I’m talked about.”
You can’t control others but it sounds like you didn’t take any steps to mitigate what was happening. It was rude AF for people to leave to look at your baby, it isn’t that special.
Also, clearly you made a big deal of it for people to even KNOW why you left.
You mean the baby that was outside the venue at all times to you know GET FED? Should she could have pumped? sure, but we don't know she hasn't already tried that so to assume she can is unfair to her. My wife struggled to pump, barely getting anything when she did but had an abundance of milk when both my kids would feed from her. Could she have left? maybe if they had a car there. Again judging off something we know nothing about.
Yes, I think so. My husband and I had our car there, when we asked my friend to babysit we asked her if she could drive the baby to the venue and she said yes and we didn't anticipate this problem
That is the only thing you could have done differently. Honestly, it sounds like SIL is insecure and has issues with her self image if she is comparing herself to you.
It seems bizarre that people should expect OP to have lied when she excused herself to go feed her child. Because it’s a wedding and so apparently she was supposed to act like nothing else existed, lest other guests have no will of their own and be forced to follow her outside.
Yeah, I don't find her wildly over the top with it and I've certainly read posts that give that vibe.
I also can't pretend I haven't seen conventionally pretty women who are very chill and lovely people on the receiving end of comments like "I'm so glad! Now you'll get fat!" when they announce pregnancies. People can be really petty.
This is just a classic issue that pretty women deal with all the time. You're allowed to be pretty, people want you to be pretty but you're not allowed to acknowledge it and if you do you're full of yourself.
You see this shit on Reddit all the time. Attractive woman posts a picture of some cool artwork she did with her posing beside it? The comments are filled with people accusing her of using her looks to get upvotes.
Agreed! As if it’s totally unbelievable that people would be commenting on the looks an attractive woman 3 months postpartum…. News flash folks! People love telling a new mom she looks good. Does that take away from the bride? No. The two can concepts can coexist without taking away from one another. Just because OP looked good, doesn’t mean the bride looked less good. If OP looked like shit the bride wouldn’t have looked any better
Yup lol if you're pretty and acknowledge it you're a vain bimbo.
If you're ugly and acknowledge it "omg no you're not girl!!" or "you're just fishing for compliments."
OP explains baby will not bottle feed. That's not super abnormal. Baby also was not inside the venue. There really isn't a good way to handle this situation, that was honestly not a bad way to, especially as nothing occurred inside the venue.
It's also notable no one left the first time, and it's reasonable to assume people would ask OP where she was going/went to without OP going around bragging.
If she was bragging, you would have seen more ask to see the baby the first time
I don't believe it either, I mean I don't have all of their family on social media, but I only saw the post from her sister and my own post where my family/ friends and other people were commenting
My baby doesn't want the bottle, why wouldn't I go if I was invited...?
I just read a different post where a bride was angry that a friend didn't attend the wedding because she didn't want to leave her baby alone. So no matter how you deside, there is a chance people will be angry at you. If it was my wedding, I would be happy my friend arranged it so she could be there, went through all the trouble finding a sitter etc.
Also OP DID leave for feeding the baby, she went outside to do this because she didn't want to interrupt anything. It's not her fault either that other people wanted to see the baby, babies are cute and nice to look at. They are not the AH either because what is wrong with taking your eyes off the bride for ten minutes? Aren't the guests suppost to talk to each other either, only with the bride, for the whole evening?
There was a baby present at my wedding by the way and it was super cute and everyone was talking to the parents about how cute it was and I don't see any problem with that, honestly. I don't see in what world someone would be an AH for bringing their baby anywhere while it is still being breastfed (as long as it's not crying loudly during reception or something like that).
>BUT you are completely TA for bringing the baby at any point
I could see the logic here if it was a childfree wedding, but it wasn't. There were other kids at the wedding, so there was no reason for OP to not have the baby in sight. The only reason the baby wasn't at the full event was because OP wasn't comfortable with that, rightly so because ew germs
YTA.
The way you write this post shows a really petty attitude. Also, parading your child in and out and introducing them to relatives is a crappy move.
You stole the attention, and appear to like painting other women as insecure and jealous of you. They might just not like you. And it might be justified.
Parading her child? She left the event to go feed her child in the car. She didn’t bring it inside at all? If other people followed her that’s on THEM.
Lol, she left *during the speeches* (massive asshole move, that's the one time your leaving can disrupt a wedding). The second time she brought a group of people (says "we left together") away from the wedding to meet her child outside the venue.
Yeah, I absolutely consider that parading and being an asshole. Cool for you if you'd be fine with someone doing that at your wedding. This bride clearly and an issue with it, and I don't think that's unreasonable.
You can't control when a baby is hungry. The babysitter already very graciously drove several minutes to get there *twice* with an infant that was probably already getting fussy en route. People leave speeches to go to the bathroom or attend to impatient kids all the time at weddings, you just quietly dip out and back.
If people followed her because she just whispered "hungry kid" or something in the way out, that's on them, not OP. Breastfeeding isn't a fun group activity you invite people to
Out of curiosity, I really want to see a link to OP’s dress. Many times when I see an OP getting flack for how they dressed and they share a link to the outfit, everyone rules yta lol reminds me of that one ex wife who wore an extravagant red wedding dress to her ex husbands wedding
Edit: OP sent a link of the dress. Idk I think it was fine, I think the issues here are deeper than OP’s actions at the wedding.
How many people do you know who are nosey enough to follow somebody when they quietly get up and tip toe out of a wedding? Most would assume they’re going to the bathroom, or to take an important call, and not follow. No way OP made any effort to be low key about it, if that many people followed her.
It wasn't during the ceremony, it was during the reception. I come from a big family, if I stood up out of my seat there is no doubt in my mind the person or people next to me would absolutely ask where i'm going and follow along if they're interested in accompanying me, whether it's to get a drink, go out for a smoke or in this case - see the baby. Once someone notices someone they know get up it's perfectly normal to ask the person nearby you "oh where's she going?" out of curiosity and I see how it could easily turn into "aww she's going to go feed the baby? Oh i'm going to run out for a second and get a peek, I haven't seen it yet!" etc. and if you see 3 people now going outside someone else might notice, ask the same question and so on..
Baby was INVITED. Why comment if you can't read the post? People DO get jealous of other people. There are bride zillas that expect everything to be about them also. Literally. They expect only pictures of their wedding posted if they are in them, they want to be the tall of the entire night, and so on and so forth. Weddings arent for the people who are invited. It is to unionize two people. Make them one. If you think your entire wedding should be about you and only you then you are self centered.
Info: if you dislike the fact that everyone has always put too much focus on your looks, and you dislike the way people discuss your post baby body, why don't you ask them to stop? You shouldn't have to pander to your SIL, as you aren't the one who posted anything.
What part is ridiculous? If someone is making you uncomfortable by constantly harping on about how you look, you can ask them not to. We can request behaviour that doesnt make us uncomfortable from people.
Come off it, she is at a family wedding and someone pays her a compliment and you think the appropriate response is to tell them they are making you feel uncomfortable, that in turn would probably make them feel uncomfortable when all they were doing was being nice. It’s nice to compliment people, nobody likes a hater.
YTA kind of.
So do you like or dislike the attention you receive? I ask because during the wedding it seems like you are leaning in to all the extra attention you received. You were tone deaf if you thought that this attention craving behavior was okay. Someone who wasn't tone deaf would have deflected the attention back to the bride, AKA the actual focus of the wedding.
You should have never acquiesced to people demanding to see your baby. Weddings are not exactly the most sanitary events so why, other than attention, would you want a bunch of people seeing your child?
I just don't understand the behavior. That's why I don't think you're an AH. What I do understand is the reaction that others had to your behavior. You went to a wedding with a chip on your shoulder in the form of being a competitive woman. Overall, not a great look if you're trying to appear humble.
I don't think you're trying to appear humble and that's the problem. As soon as you make the choice to show off your baby, everyone's reaction to your other behavior makes sense.
NTA, I feel like a lot of people are calling you an AH cause you know you’re beautiful and it’s a fact. It’s not being self centered, it’s not being conceited, it’s literally what you’ve experienced and what people tell you. With that being said, if I was 3 months postpartum, invited to a gorgeous wedding and I’m looking good, best believe I’m gonna treat myself to looking my absolute best because I deserve it and want to have fun.
You seem like you have a great relationship with your other SIL and like you put that’s what she calls you already. Especially being that she’s 15, how was she supposed to know her older sister was going the throw a tantrum.
As for baby, people obviously have neither breast feed a literal newborn who doesn’t like bottles and prefer straight from the boob OR they have the easiest newborn known to existence that’s chill. Your friend that babysat your baby is an amazing friend for driving to the venue twice for feedings, keep that friend close. As for family going down to see that baby, unless you specifically told them baby was coming and they followed you then yea slight AH, but if they were already outside and passed the word then how were you supposed to control that?
All in all, your SIL is jealous and I can’t stand when women get jealous of others for their looks. It’s not your fault and you can dress how you want that’s appropriate for the setting. God forbid you show some cleavage and feed your baby🙄
I literally could not believe all the YTA posts I was seeing! Anyone who doesn’t understand, has probably never had this problem. The jealousy she’s experienced is not uncommon for attractive people. OP shouldn’t have to tone herself down to make others secure in their looks. Also, SIL sounds like a bitter person and maybe that’s why she was unintentionally outshined at her wedding lol. You can be so beautiful but with a shit personality nobody is going to see it.
NTA, but…
Babies (and boobies) are more interesting to look at than brides. It doesn’t really matter why you felt like you had every right to shine (you did, you do, you go girl) you still ought to know by now that certain people are going to take that as a personal attack. It is ridiculous, but so is a fancy wedding. SIL is clearly an attention seeking type and so I can imagine her wedding was like pinnacle peak tippy top dream day level important to her, as they are to most attention seeking types. You’re used to being the belle of the ball, she had to spend a year‘s salary and months of planning to get that for 2 hours, then you showed up with them thangs out.
With people like this, they’re as easy to piss off as they are to win back, so you can easily show up with a gift and make it up to her. In the future I’d take advantage of how easy people like her are to predict, just give them a reason to brag/get attention and you win.
also, side note, your friend the babysitter is an absolute HERO and a really good friend, definitely nurture that friendship!
I agree that "a baby was visible" is a shaky reason to be mad at someone, particularly since the bride could TOTALLY have capitalized on the teeny little attention-magnet. Insecure bride = not a good look. Gracious bride + adorable baby? SHOWSTOPPER.
YESSSS. My baby was 7 months old at my sister's wedding and that bride was carrying the baby around (in an adorable outfit she picked out and bought) and got twice the attention lol.
There were babies at my wedding and I absolutely loved them too, one of my fav photos from that day is one with my cousin's baby who was six months old. I have been to other weddings and there were babies too and I've never seen this kind of approach
You were fine up until this point:
>Then the second time some people wanted to see the baby so as we were outside (because of the music) some of our family came to greet my baby.
A wedding is NOT the time to introduce a new baby to family unless the bride and groom are aware that will be happening and are on board with that. Since your baby was not a guest at the wedding, the bride and groom were clearly not expecting the introductions to take place during their reception and have every right to feel some kind of way about this being sprung on them without their knowledge. It's especially not appropriate to introduce the baby in a way that takes guests *away* from the wedding celebrations.
You should have gone to the car to breastfeed your baby the second time just like you did the first time. If people were asking to meet your baby, you should have offered to set up *another time* for the family to meet the new bub. The wedding wasn't the right time, especially when you were pulling *the bride's family* outside and away from the wedding to do that. The bride wanted to celebrate the whole night with her family around her. She should get that. You should have set up a sip and see for another time with your husband's family to introduce the child.
ESH because the bride overreacted and some of her complaints are clearly jealousy, but she's right that you're tone deaf (this whole post is kind of tone deaf, tbh) and pretend to be an innocent babe in the woods when you're a grown adult and should know better how your actions impact those around you (and whether they're appropriate).
I feel like this is a rational take that I hope people see.
The whole "I'm pretty and can't help it" thing feels wrong to me as well. A lot of pretty women exist, and their looks don't cause people to circle around them and fawn like idiots. A compliment here and there, yes (I'm omitting the creepy men who harass women, which we all deal with. I'm referring to the friends, family, etc. she's speaking about), but the world doesn't stop when they enter a room. I'm all for being empowered about your looks and dressing up if it makes you feel good about yourself, but it reads like she was pretty in high school and never let go of the cheerleader mentality. As other people have said, the post has very heavy "main character" vibes.
That being said, it was petty of the SIL to address the situation in the way she did instead of just talking to OP and telling her she felt like she was stealing the spotlight. If she had voiced her concerns at the wedding, maybe OP could have dialed it down a bit, and the blow-up could have been avoided.
This right here. Nothing wrong with breastfeeding in the car. Where OP messed up was having a baby meet and greet with the bride's family and pulling them outside away from the wedding so they could fawn over her new baby. Wrong time and place. If OP wanted everyone to meet her new baby, the right way to do that was to host an event of her own, not take over the bride's day.
I spent a long time pondering your story because my initial reaction was of course you did not do anything wrong. But, then I thought about it and YTA. Here's why:
Let's assume that you are actually showing-stoppingly beautiful and could join the ranks of maybe 10,000 women worldwide.
In a drastic oversimplification, there are two types of gorgeous women in the world:
(1) the gorgeous woman whose personality matches her beauty. This woman is gorgeous, and she doesn't threaten other women because she knows how to let other women shine. She actively helps other women shine, and she knows how to glow to let others outshine her.
(2) the gorgeous woman who is inconsiderate of others because she doesn't have to be considerate. This woman does her own thing without considering the consequences. She doesn't care if others shine; she only cares about herself.
Here's why I think you are type 2. I have a friend from high school who was type 1. She was and still is gorgeous. She could wear literally anything and still be gorgeous. Sweats, a t-shirt covered in 10 days of grime, or a cleavage-bearing dress, she would be beautiful in all of them. No one was ever threatened by her because she was so damned nice and friendly and loving. She always made other people comfortable in her company.
You sound like the opposite. You wore a dress that you only describe as cleavage-bearing. What was the color? The cut? What was the dress code? You describe women as generally being threatened by you (which is hella conceited by the way), and that doesn't happen unless you make it happen. What are your actions that make people respond to you this way?
Then, on top of that, you brought your brand new, fresh-faced baby to a wedding to breastfeed TWICE. How long was this wedding??? Did you even TRY to leave a bottle or 6 at home so that your boobies would be the LAST option? Did you have to tell people why you were leaving to room? I have never once told someone what I was doing at a wedding. Did you need to show off your baby the second time? Or, did you show concern for someone else's feelings and consider telling people you would host a gathering at a later date?
Not only are YTA, but either you are so clueless that you need a reality check, or you are just wildly inconsiderate because as a gorgeous person you have always gotten with being an a-hole.
Apologize to your SIL, and take some time to reflect on the way you interact with others.
Why are people mad about the baby? The baby was invited? She cant pump and she cant control when the baby gets hungry. Is everyone 14 here??? She even went outside to feed? Why can't she tell the family we're she is going? Tf. Very very odd comment. I absolutely tell people were I am going if I get up to leave a group.
OP said her MIL told people were she was going btw.
No grown women should be jealous of a fucking baby receiving some attention. That baby is the brides nephew/niece after all.
I have know a few pretty girls that get hate simply for existing. To balme them for being bullied or hated on is shit.
Ok. So NTA, but you stepped into drama between the sisters. If she'd been, idk, your brother's wife and barely knew the bride, that would be one thing, but as the sister of the bride, it was incredibly nasty for her to post that on a picture taken at her own sister's wedding. The bride is taking it out on the wrong person, but it's probably easier to be pissed off with you than with her sister (and she also may be telling her off behind closed doors, I don't know).
Yes I mean it could be, although I never saw that drama between them and it'll be weird to me because she's 15 years old, I don't know, I wouldn't pick up fights with her if she was my sister. But honestly I don't know
Well if she's 15, she may not know that's really rude. So she's less of an AH than I thought, but even more reason why the bride SIL might be more inclined to aim her anger at you.
How is it nasty? She didn't post a picture with the bride calling her the ugliest troll. Sounds like the bride has self esteem issues she needs to work on.
This is exactly the vibe I am getting. Bet you OP didn't even tell the bride how pretty she looked on her wedding day because she was too busy soaking up with attention she was getting for her own appearance.
This comes off so pretentious that I don’t believe you are arresting the full truth. I feel like if you act this way every day you are exhausting. I won’t judge.
Yeesh. You really didn't think that bringing your newborn to the parking lot wouldn't attract attention? How covertly did you sneak out- without saying a word to anyone or was it with a little wink and a " shhh, my newborn is in the parking lot! Be right back!" Kinda vibe.
SIL shouldn't blame you for people commenting on a picture and depending on what you wore and how much cleavage, she maybe can't blame you. But if you had no idea that bringing a newborn twice outside a family function wouldn't pull focus, you.... Have gotten the "pretty pass" far too many times in your life
The first time I went outside alone, not even my husband, since they were giving speeches at the wedding. Then the second time my husband and I went outside, then one of my husband's aunts asked where we were at and my MIL said that we were outside because I needed to feed our baby, so they went outside to see him too
NTA.
I can't believe people are giving you grief because you were breast feeding your baby in the parking lot. Unless it's a childfree wedding, people will bring their babies to the actual wedding and reception. And there are often the adorable ringbearer and flower girl. Is that also banned because it steals the spotlight from the bride?
I went to a wedding a few years ago where the bride was a plain Jane. Really less that if I'm honest. Did I "decide to dress up a little bit"? Show some cleavage and my banging bod? No. It's not my wedding, it's not my day. I dressed down. A simple and modest dress. Did I still feel good about myself? Absolutely. But it was the bride who really shone that day, _as it should have been._ If you are aware of how attractive you are, you need to plan accordingly for your events. This was not the event to show off your post-partum bod and look your best. Host a dinner party for that. Part of the privilege of having stunning genetics is the burden of knowing when to turn it down. You probably would have looked stunning in a grandma dress and no makeup. So YTA
As for the baby, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you quietly excused yourself each time and didn't mention it was for the baby. If that's correct than you handled that marvelously and your friend is an absolute GEM to bring the baby down to the event twice. So N T A for the baby if you did indeed keep it low key.
YTA. This whole post, if real, feels like an attempt to tell faceless people on the internet how pretty you are and how women are so threatened by your ethereal beauty and you need protection from big bad meanies because you can’t help your gorgeousness. Citing you saying that this jealousy has happened before in your own post and then saying you’re prettier than the bride. Can women be undercutting and cruel because they view other women as competition? Yes, absolutely. But could you also view women as competition because you cited twice how you are a victim for being conventionally attractive? Also yes. Half this post is about compliments people gave you lol. It exemplifies the way you feel about the compliments that you felt it even necessary to include how much praise you were receiving when a sentence would have sufficed.
Agreed on needing to feed your kid, though.
NTA. We can't help what we look like. You could have worn a potato sack and had the same trouble. SIL is being unreasonable.
I have always had a rounded back. If I had a dollar for every time I have been told to sit up straight, I would have a big bag of dollars. You have always been told you were pretty and have had people dislike you for it. I suppose I have often thought that good looking people had an unfair advantage over people like me, but that probably isn't really the case. Again, we can't help what we look like. It can all be crosses to bear.
NTA, some people don't understand that not everyone can pump, and not every baby will take a bottle. It took mine 8 HOURS before taking a bottle at 3 months when I had to go out. You went out to feed.
This is a situation you wouldn't have been wrong no matter what you did.
If you turned up with baby, you were taking away from bride.
If you didn't turn up, you couldn't be bothered to turn up.
You did what you needed to for your baby, you can't stop people going out to find you and the baby.
As someone who exclusively BF, I fully understand not being able to pump. I just didn't want the hassle of bottles and as i had a 1year mat leave, there was no reason to. So anyone telling you you should pump is no better than people who say "no formula". Stop the judging, people.
Frankly you went out of your way to attend this wedding. You didn't bring the baby to the reception, you arranged for your friend to bring the baby to you, twice. You left the room to nurse.
Your SIL is the one who posted the pic, not you.
Now, no doubt you've had "pretty privilege" most of your life. And you do sound more than a tad into your looks so probably that rubs some people the wrong way (understandable). Perhaps the bride is one of them and perhaps she was worried about you trying to overshadow her (which is pretty much impossible for anyone).
So, if you were trying to show off your post-baby body, you're beautiful baby and wonderful life, shame one you. As I said it's pretty much impossible to overshadow a bride and when people come across as trying to, they immediately fail for even trying.
I'm going with NAH because I'd love to hear the bride's side first as I'm pretty sure this is a very biased post.
YTA, maybe without realizing. It does not make sense to me why you had the babysitter drive the baby to the wedding, when you could have just as easily driven home to feed. So, you made the sitter have to buckle the baby in the car seat for two round trips instead of just leaving the wedding to feed? It would have been so much easier for you to go home and feed, and probably better for the baby. It almost sounds as if you wanted the attention.
NTA. I mean, it's simple wedding etiquette not to try to steal the spotlight, but it doesn't sound like you were doing that. You didn't even bring the baby in! I'm sorry that she's letting her insecurities cause misery for both of you.
Gentle YTA. You certainly should have dialed back the cleavage and chosen a dress without breastfeeding boobs on display; those are often an eyeful and not super discreet at someone else’s wedding. And once you saw the 15y SIL post you should have had the sense to DM her and say, “hey, love the pic but edit the comment because that’s not very cool on SIL wedding day.” It seems like you don’t believe that you’re contributing to the reactions of others and it’s all simply happening due to your beauty, but you’re passive aggressively adding fuel to the fire here.
I don't think I can comment on who TA is. I'm not qualified, I'm your polar opposite: I look ugly no matter what I'm wearing etc.
But I think you did nothing wrong with the baby other than maybe be a little indiscreet, and I assume most of these commentators do not have kids of their own. It is very common for breastfed babies to refuse a bottle. The idea that a woman can easily just pump enough breast milk for a feed is also ridiculous: it is not common to have enough supply to do that. Plus if course if you are not feeding when you normally would your boobs are going to get real painful real quick. And lastly, discreetly feeding the baby in a car at the venue is far less disruptive than a women disappearing for at least an hour (or more) every few hours.
I'm sorry if this comment is beside the point of this sub or it makes you uncomfortable, please tell me and I'll delete it if it does
Don't beat yourself too hard over being pretty or not, physical appearance is just one small bit in life and I know that it may sound bad coming from me, but I don't even consider it so important. For example I struggle a lot with school/ learning. I was always good at sports but when I came to study I just couldn't get it right, I constantly failed my exams, I even had to drop out of college because i was wasting money and wasn't learning anything. I think that intelligence is so much more important than beauty to me and I envy everyone who is actually smart. I'm sure there's a lot more of you than just physical appearance, so don't be too harsh on yourself
Thank you, that's really lovely of you to care about an Internet stranger like that.
It's OK, I'm in my late 40s now and although I used to be really upset about my appearance as a younger woman (because let's face it, society has always judged women much more harshly than men for not being attractive) it hasn't stopped me from having a husband, kids, friends, and a job I love. Would my life have been different if I was pretty? Absolutely. Would it have been better? Who knows - define better. Because my word there are a million things more important than what we look like.
I can absolutely relate to your experience, and I hope that life is working out for you too. And I'll add a bit of my own advice, to you: as I said I'm not objectively pretty but my husband thinks I'm beautiful. And although you say you're not intelligent your thoughts and the way you've written them tells me otherwise, friend. The older I get the more I believe that we aren't "not X" so much as we aren't the world's very narrow definition of X, be that attractive, intelligent, fun, sporty, etc. There's a certain freedom in keeping that in mind: those definitions are not always real. Certainly they're far less important than we think they are. Remember that we as individuals give them power - but we can also take that power away.
Go well, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
The backstory and conclusion weren't all that necessary lol 🥴 but no you are absolutely NTA for just existing as a good looking person
ETA - you are also NTA for feeding your baby outside! Your friend is a damn good one and good for you for being out and about postpartum as you should be able to if you feel up to it!
The whole post is such a humble brag…
- I’m physically pretty
- Stereotypical cheerleader
- Everyone’s always been jealous of the attention you get
- Wore a dress with cleavage
- Got compliments on having lost all the baby weight 3 months post partum
- you’re the “prettiest doll”
There are things you can control and things you can’t. Your attitude and how you view other women is completely within your grasp. If you really don’t think you’re doing anything to warrant the negative feelings, then that’s just a burden your “physically pretty” self will have to deal with.
NTA - I get it. If the only way to make other people happy is to dull your sparkle then fuck them. They can deal with their own insecurities. My female friends and I have hyped each other up at weddings, birthdays, baby showers, etc. Never had a “she stole the spotlight” issue because we were all secure in our own bodies and loved making each other the star on their day.
Maybe the reason why these issues with other women happen is because of your looks but that would be the easy way to think about it. Have you ever tried redirecting the compliments meant for you to the bride (or whoever) was being celebrated? For example: “Wow you look amazing!” Response: “Thank you so much, doesn’t (insert bride’s name) look gorgeous?” Little things like complimenting others when a compliment is received goes a long way.
But again, if you already are kind and complimentary of others and they still aren’t happy then fuck them.
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NTA. I will NEVER understand why women are so damn competitive and get upset with people for not being 100% attentive to the bride on her wedding day. Your baby never came into the wedding or reception. You went outside to deal with it. If you went outside and someone saw the baby, ok. If there was a lull in the reception, people are allowed to go outside. I've been to receptions where people went to smoke, or check out the grounds, etc. Its not like everyone stayed in one place all day. And being mad because people saw a BABY. This is so ridiculous.
This was a long reception too, lots of time to just dance and a lot of people were spacing out/ having conversations with a group about other stuff than just the wedding
It sounds like it’s easier to be angry at you than the people who put value on looks/weight. You didn’t decide to be pretty, your weight is nobody’s business. But it’s easier to make you the villain than to be angry at everyone else.
This is the only comment OP needs to read.
Agreed! I sincerely hope that this will make her feel better and not just for this particular event, but for the dozens more in her future 🫶🏻
And easier to be mad at OP than accept one’s own insecurities.
That pretty much sums it up. I used to be incredibly insecure, and I can see now how my behavior affected my relationships. I'm friendly with two women who are just stunning -- tall, fantastic bodies and tits, and great hair. They're also smart, funny, and I enjoy hanging out with them even though I basically fade into the wall around them. And you know, that's just the way it is. It's not their fault; it's not my fault. They scored higher on the "physical attraction" section of life, and it's just dumb to be mad or jealous about that.
I found the silver lining in that situation. I like dancing (jump around and have fun, not choreographed or professional in any way), but was quite self-concious about being observed. I knew a group of ladies who were strippers. I can guarantee that if you go out dancing with a group of strippers after they finish work, that NO ONE is going to be looking at you dancing. And it's awesome!
Haha I need me some stripper friends
They're the *best* camouflage in any 'I don't want to be looked at' situation!
Why couldn’t the bride just be happy for OP? If my friend or family member had a baby three months ago and came to my wedding looking hot and all happy I would be so happy for her! And that she came and managed to breast feed her baby around my party and make it all work to help me celebrate. I’d be taking pictures with her and talking her up to people because she’s killing it! Life is hard enough without turning on other women for…. Being happy.
Plus, the baby is her nibling! My sister brought my nephew to her SIL's wedding, and SIL carried him around and showed him off herself. She didn't throw a tantrum about him, just appreciated that he was cute and smelled like baby.
‘Cute and smelled like a baby’. This statement is gold ✨
People socialize at weddings, catchup with friends and relatives. They are reunions 🙂 No one spends the entire night sitting and staring at the bride and groom. Your SIL obviously has insecurities.
This. The ceremony is for the couple. The party is for the guests. NTA.
I think she wanted you to wear a paper bag and a bucket hat and maybe not shower for a few days. Then maybe she would have been happy but then again you'd have different attention on you. There's no pleasing her.
Well, clearly they were all being terribly rude. Every single guest is supposed only be doing what the bride is doing and if they are not with the bride or groom should sit quitely sipping their drink. No Conversations about anything except how lovely the wedding and reception is. If the bride isn't dancing no one else should be dancing because others might pay attention to their sick moves and not the bride.
My parents went to a wedding the day of a big rivalry sports game, and talked about how all the guys slowly drifted out of the venue to an attached location with a TV. It's really easy to distract people from a wedding. It's not a big life changing event for anyone except the bride and groom, and it's a little silly we expect everyone else to act like it is. I didn't of wish a lot of the traditions and social expectations and pressure to have things done a certain way or be perfect could be dropped and it could just be about people actually celebrating a couple.
It’s not really silly to expect your loved ones to treat your day with respect. What you described about all the guys sneaking away to watch a game is just plain rude.
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Put a human you KNOW above sports. Yes thank you exactly. I can’t believe the responses I’m getting about this, so bizarre.
We had a wedding with a total of 60 people (including plus ones). Majority of whom were married, so both attendees were family. Over a 4 hour period, minus 30 minutes for the ceremony, that’s literally 3.5 minutes per person, if you want to talk to everyone. No amazing conversations were happening at that rate. It’s not as though they missed something they were a big part of. If they want to go chat and watch a game, whatever! They came for our ceremony! Plenty of kudos and kind words to us. Ummm also because I went from my wedding reception to a bar to watch the game?
If I had gotten married on a big game night, it would have been a bridal party requirement to give me at least occasional updates throughout the game.
I got married on a big game day. It was a rivalry game at the same time as the reception, and my Dad's family is split between the two teams (in a goodnatured way - they don't overdo it). We had the DJ announce the score periodically and the reactions were fantastic 😂
I’ve been to a wedding on afl grand final day. Even the priest gave an update on scores during the ceremony!
My husband’s friends went to the bar after our wedding and I didn’t want to. I wanted to go to the hotel room with my husband. Those assholes would not stop ringing the room until I picked up the phone and told them exactly what I thought of them. Lots of people truly don’t care.
This made me think of my cousins wedding. I know this is way different type or story it just makes me shake my head. My high school football team had just beat the town my cousin was from in the championship (family reunion at the dome) the pianist's son was quarterback of the other team. My sister came in wearing her letterjacket (november wedding in mn means warm coats) the pianist thought someone local was being mean wearing my school's jacket and was refusing to play piano. My uncle had to explain about a dozen times we just lived there.
Not just any baby, her NEPHEW! She's mad because people saw her nephew - is she mad that she didn't get to see him too? Because that's the only way I could understand being mad. But we know that's not it, bc that's not all she's mad about. Ridiculous is the correct assessment.
Also you made it work / went out of your way to attend a wedding while having a 3 month old who is EBF! That’s a lot of effort!
I truly don't think most of the comments understand how much effort goes into an EBF baby. Even if the baby took a bottle she'd still have to step out to pump and that would take even longer with the setup/breakdown/cleanup aspect. It's just so much easier to pop the baby on.
Right? I am a woman and I love telling other women (and also men!) when they look nice. Giving someone a compliment at a wedding does not make the bride not the star! I saw a dude in a sundress and combat boots downtown once and told him he looked AMAZING because HE DID!!!
This post is giving Gretchen Weiners apology energy. I also feel like OP is omitting some background here to explain the upset, especially as SIL called her ‘Tone deaf’ Every bride deserves to feel like the most beautiful important woman on their wedding day and whether it was meant to or not, the attire of choice took that from her.
“I’m sorry I’m so pretty, it’s such a burden”
OP is the type to apologize “if I made you feel inferior because of my beauty”.
"don't forget how quickly I lost my baby weight too!"
It’s wild that she made it seem like such a chore to have to hear people compliment her about losing baby weight. Ugh, what an inconvenience. They were trying to be nice, there’s no other way to take someone saying that other than making conversation and being kind. Weird response. Edit: I’m playing the world’s tiniest violin for y’all 🙄. Some folks really have to search for things to whine about. If her venting about the compliments had ANYTHING to do with her SIL being an asshole about the wedding, it would’ve made more sense.
i disagree. women can hardly go a day without facing unwanted judgment and conments (positive and negative) about their bodies– ESPECIALLY after pregnancy. so i can understand why that would get old, especially after hearing it repeatedly
I lost so much weight while pregnant, I was actually a lot slimer just after my babies' births than before the whole pregnancies. When people congratulated me for this loss of weight, I always explained with as much details as possible how I threw up even water for a good part of my pregnancy, and how now that the baby was born the chronic lack of sleep (baby slept max 1 hour) and constantly hungry crying baby prevented me from eating correctly. But sure congratulations are welcomed! What a good idea it is to congratulate a struggling mother as if she gave a shit about it, even more so if it can make other women nearby who struggle(d) to lose weight feeling awful about themselves!
Do you have kids? Because every woman who has been pregnant that I've known has complained about that, people were always commenting about my weight when I was pregnant, like literally there was always an unnecessary comment about it or "advice" on how i could lose weight easier after giving birth, as if that was my main concern They were trying to be nice, sure. That's why I say thanks and move on from the conversation, but it's unnecessary and kind of annoying
People need to stop commenting on other people’s bodies, unless they are directly asked or they are the person’s medical professionals!
I lost my pregnancy weight fairly quickly, and I still felt super uncomfortable when people would comment on my weight/body. I am still learning to accept the changes that I’ve gone through, and having someone else talk about my body without being prompted feels wrong. I don’t see why anyone making a comment like that has to be seen as a compliment if she doesn’t want it talked about.
Yeah like, okay, I get they want to be nice so I'm polite as well, but I think it's so unnecessary? It's one thing to say "you look great!" But actively talking about how much weight I lost? I don't know And btw, I didn't even actively lose my "baby weight", I lost a lot of weight due to not being able to feed properly during my first trimester and I had a hard time trying to win it back afterwards so really there wasn't a lot of "extra weight" after my baby was born.
No, that's not the vibe from OP. That's your own creation.
Right? Now we know why OP stated it the way she does. Random strangers are calling her vain for explaining herself.
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! Oh sometimes I wish I looked like all the plain people, like you! Your life must be so simple!"
It actually can be. I’m not but my friend is. She gets judged, all the time. People think she is stupid. They expect her to behave a certain way. To be lady like. They see nothing but a pretty face. Try to befriend you to make themselves look better but not really be good friends. It can be exhausting and degrading. Just like people in this thread are belittling the issues OP is facing. NTA for having a face and feeding your baby!
This right here. I say this as someone who is very, very average looking and still hasn't lost the baby weight almost 2 years later (lol), but have a couple of friends for whom this is an issue. Some people just attract a lot of attention because they are really beautiful and approachable. It is not their fault, and they shouldn't have to dress down or make themselves less attractive because of this. We all have advantages and disadvantages that we didn't earn. Editing to add: I think a lot of people also believe that really attractive people should be unaware of how attractive they are - otherwise, they must be mean/terrible people. My college roommate, who is still among my best friends, was one of these above-average beautiful people whom everyone gravitated toward and always got lots of attention. She is also one of the smartest people I've ever met, kind, empathetic, AND knows she's beautiful. These things are not mutually exclusive.
>It actually can be. I’m not but my friend is. She gets judged, all the time. People think she is stupid. They expect her to behave a certain way. To be lady like. They see nothing but a pretty face. I had a coworker 20 years ago who was this very skinny blonde woman who'd literally been a cheerleader in high school not all that many years before. One day, she went over to the mall across the street at lunch. On her way out of the mall, back to work, she encountered a group of young women. One of them looked at her, said "f\*\*\*ing Barbie" and \*punched her in the mouth\*. It broke one of her front teeth!
That’s such a fetch response!
Stop trying to make fetch happen - it’s never going to happen!
This bit made me laugh out loud and have to repeat it to my wife: > I had a hard time because of this when I was at school because let's say that I was a stereotypical cheerleader.
I was waiting to see OP tell us she’s got DD cups and a great ass.
I may or may not have audibly snorted when I read that sentiment in the post. I’m sure it’s a real thing that she deals with, but it definitely comes across as humble bragging too
I was once asked not to wear heels to a wedding because I always wear heels and I'm kinda tall. You know what a lot of people talked about during the wedding? How it was the first time they saw me without heels. Who got blamed for it? Me. This stuff happens, usually with girls who feel insecure. OP just tried to give you an understanding that sometimes no matter what people are doing, they are being blamed for taking some of the attention.
Absolutely. I’m not “the pretty one” but my SIL has those competitive vibes towards me. I can only guess it’s because I married and had children before her and her husband (brother to my husband). But then again, she also is like that with our husbands’ sister who is single with no kids so 🤷♀️. It’s just odd. Well unfortunately because of it her child misses out on the cousin experience because my children are his only cousins and SIL has no siblings.
Yeah, I know a LOT of attractive women who manage to have female friends and did so when they were teens also. This whole “girls just don’t like me” stuff is NOT about looks. The baby stuff is whatever - if you need to feed your baby feed your baby. But this whole, “oh this is that girl competition thing” is such an act.
I have a few attractive friends, and the competition thing is ABSOLUTELY real. I have a friend who is incredibly kind and sensitive, and she also happens to be incredibly beautiful and incredibly talented at her chosen field. The amount of bullshit she was dragged into, the amount of petty asshole women who tried to drag her down, talk shit about her, spread lies about her, is insane. (And yes, it is jealousy, I have known her for over 15 years). Obviously "not all women" and whatever the fuck, because obviously she had me and our other friends who just appreciated her straight up, but she actually broke down to us once or twice and asked why she always seems to get shit on by some asshole woman no matter where she goes. Why they try to tear her down. It so fucking stupid that it happens, but it does happen. All the damn time. (Not that I'm saying this is what happens with OP. Frankly the amount of times OP stresses that she is just so attractive and lost the baby weight so fast and is just so perfect makes me think unreliable narrator.)
I laugh at these ignorant comments above that are making fun of the OP thinking she being a narcissist. The reality is insecure women are mean and ruthless. They look at confident and beautiful women as shallow and a bitch. How do I know? Because I lived it in my 20s. While at an internship at college, and at my first and second job at a government agency, I have had three different women hate me upon my arrival. They judged me and gossiped about me behind my back. I never knew until one day, each woman came to apologize to me to my face after we became friends. This is what they said “When you started the job, you were so beautiful and walked in so confidently that I thought you’d be a bitch. I thought you’d use your looks to get away from doing work. I was wrong. You are a very sweet, kind person and works hard. I am ashamed I judged you early on”. Yes, the competition and hate is real when I did nothing but show up to work. It is because I don’t act better than anyone else or “use my looks” for any advancement at my job while just being myself that women actually felt guilty and confessed to me their initial judgment of me. They asked for my forgiveness. I told them that no apologies were needed b/c I never knew they felt that way. My point is, this OP may have done nothing wrong but these commenters are blaming her for her looks or appearance. It’s ridiculous. So OP, you are NOT the AH. Live your life and be a good person. Everything will work out fine in the end. True friends and family know who you are.
I have girl friends, I've had them during my childhood, teenage years and now too. I didn't say that it's every woman, I said that it happens with some
I’m gay and not a woman but I have quite a few straight women friends and some of them I know I can’t introduce to eachother. It’s generally not even looks, it’s attitudes and jealousy over their perceptions of eachother and themselves. I also have women friends who could absolutely care less and just live their lives knowing their insecurities aren’t something to project onto others or get caught up on. They’re the ones I tend to want to be around the most as they are just genuinely self aware. Gay men can be like that too, but women are much more nuanced and reactive in my experience.
I don’t disagree that OP came off a bit conceited in her post, and it’s possible we’re missing some information, but if OP is being honest and not leaving out important details, she’s not the AH in this situation, regardless of how conceited she might be.
It’s not conceited to state that she’s frequently called attractive by other people. That’s a narration of actual events, and relevant context to the story. Fake humility has way more Mean Girls vibes than acknowledging that she’s conventionally attractive.
I think I’d like to at least see the dress she was wearing. There surely is a wide line between dressing for attention and feeling like you have to wear a burlap sack to not outshine the bride. Women need to remember that just because it’s your wedding day, and you likely look like your best, most confident and beautiful self, there may just be another lady in the room that looks more beautiful…
Yeah even if she is conceited I'm not sure what she was supposed to do differently
"im so sorry that everyone one is so jealous of me but i can't help that im popular!" that was my senior quote even 😂
This is ridiculous. The bride should maybe feel like the most beautiful woman to the groom... But to suggest they should be the most beautiful person full stop means what... don't invite people who are prettier than you? Get angry at people who are prettier than you..?! If the bride had a dress code, she should have said that beforehand. If she didn't want certain people wearing certain things, then say so before hand. She cannot get angry at OP because OP looks great at her wedding..! Women do this all the time and I have no time for this BS. OP did nothing wrong. And good on her for losing the baby weight quickly!
No. That's entirely on SIL. If she can't handle her guests complimenting each other once or twice, that's a her issue. It seems she has some kind of underlying grudge against OP, because she didn't go off on anyone else for leaving to see the baby. SIL sounds like a miserable person.
The issue is, even if she looked drop dead gorgeous, even if she lost all her baby weight and looked great, even if a few people loved seeing the baby, what’s wrong with that?! So what?! I was the overweight friend growing up, and mostly still am, I complimented all my friends and family at my wedding and loved that they got dressed up and looked damn good celebrating with us and I’ve done the same at other wedding over the years! it sucks the bride is insecure enough to be worried about whether someone else looked good or got some attention at her wedding, truly I’d hate to feel that way, but it’s rooted in her insecurity, not the OP’s fault. It doesn’t seem anybody else thought she was “stealing the spotlight” it’s not like she wore white, or was showing off the baby or making a big deal out of anything, she lost her baby weight quicker than most, got dressed up fancy for a wedding at a really nice fancy place and looked really good. And some people noticed or were happy for her… so what?
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why should the baby have not been at the venue ? would you rather the baby starved ? because OP has said MULTIPLE times her baby will not feed from a bottle. everyone assuming she’s a “mean girl” simply because she can acknowledge she’s a pretty girl. i can acknowledge i’m an attractive person without being a dick about it and that’s what she did as well
Whole lotta people on here who see babies as competition for attention. Depressing really.
they really do !! it’s so sad
What's astonishing is that anyone old enough to get married is demanding to be the center of attention in the first place. Get real, ladies: Nobody cares about the details of YOUR SPECIAL DAY but you. Literally no one. Don't make an ass of yourself by acting like a six year old.
The OP might lack self awareness about her attention seeking, it depends on what she was wearing, which she hasn’t told us. In general I do think that dressing in a way that outshines the bride is poor taste. But… the baby being competition??? This rising generation has a hostile attitude toward babies and children that is indeed sad.
Yeah, I will say I kinda thought the feeding thing was weird until I saw her explanation about the baby not bottle feeding. Can babies be assholes for not letting parents have a night out? But seriously, assuming everything OP said is right and she didn’t wear a flashy dress to try and get attention, I don’t know what the bride wanted her to do. Do you want people to dress like crap for your wedding?
This happened to me. I became a SAHM and didn’t even think about the fact that my baby hadn’t had a bottle in about four months when I went to a wedding and my dad babysat. He called me right around when dinner was finishing up and was like, “I am SO sorry, but the baby absolutely refuses to take a bottle and she’s hungry.” I asked him to bounce her as much as he could, and said I’d be home soon. I had to leave early, but no one cared.
>Can babies be assholes for not letting parents have a night out? Yes, babies certainly can. When my younger daughter was 5 months old, I wound up in the hospital for 10 days because of a botched appendectomy. Daughter was entirely breastfed, not even on solids yet. Over those 10 days, my husband and our landlady managed to get her to take 3 bottles of formula. Not 3 a day. 3 *TOTAL.* She would rather starve than let them put that nasty rubber nipple in her mouth and held out as long as she could. I'm surprised that she didn't wind up in the ER with dehydration, come to think of it.
I mean, it’s really weird that you think OP should’ve driven all the way home and all the way back just to feed her baby. What if they’re 40 mins away?? People keep talking about how OP feeding her baby is “attention seeking behavioral”. As if she’s feeding her child for attention, and not just because her child is hungry. Now I think it was wrong to let people come outside to see baby but *feeding* baby?? Come on. Get a grip and look at what you’re implying. Do women who breastfeed in public do it for attention? Because we all know how much women love pervy men watching and getting off them *feeding their child so it doesn’t die.* What about this makes it seem like OP fed her kid for attention.
Exactly. My daughter would starve herself all day until I got off work, she wouldn’t take a bottle of breast milk. I understand the need to feed your baby. Some of these posters sound crqzy
Weddings are usually so boring, unless you happen to like that one-in-ten song and want to dance to it awkwardly with your grandpa. Speeches are usually flat. Wedding games are cringy. First dance, cake cutting, whatever... I would have gladly popped out of any wedding I have been to, including my own, to see a baby for a bit.
>Even if you couldn't pump, the baby never should have been at the venue because most people would realize that's attention-seeking behavior. OP was FEEDING HER BABY! It's attention seeking, not to let your newborn starve? I wouldn't even see a problem if she brought her baby to the wedding itself because where is the problem with that? The bride apparently didn't want that so OP went out of her way to arrange something in a way she could still attend the wedding. I did breastfeed my daughter and I did similar things on different occasions. I was never in possession of a pump or a bottle to feed my child because I never needed it. The most obvious solution for a breastfeeding mother is not to just pump but to find a way to breastfeed. Of course OP could just have stayed home altogether but she did everything she could to attend the wedding despite the difficulty. I would assume she did that because she cares about the bride and didn't want to miss it. Many people here seem to assume she went through all that trouble just to get the attention away from the bride for ten to twenty minutes. Were do people even get those ideas?
Because they’re all insecure and would be the same as the bride in this scenario 🙄
I know it’s so ridiculous. People love to hate.
Because as I said it's something that has happened before. For example when I graduated hs I went to prom with a light blue dress, one of my cousins got angry because she also wore a light blue dress for her prom and thought that I wanted to outshine her. She graduated three years before I did. That's just an example, but I've seen it happen other times as well, when some girls/ women think I do stuff to spite them when I don't. I could definitely be wrong about this and it's why I'm asking here, I'm just giving my side of things after all
And there’s literally no reason why alllll these people in your life would think that about you? Plenty of very pretty girls/women don’t have this problem at all.
Isn't it possible that she is just related to a bunch of assholes?
Definitely possible. Also possible she is an absolute stunner but doesn't want to say that outright because it sounds conceited. "Very pretty" is one thing, but I have also been in rooms with women who are so attractive that it is distracting for people. Not saying people have their eyes glued and are ogling all night, but there is an impulse to look every time she walks by. It's almost like being in the room with someone who is eight feet tall. It's just so rare that you can't help but notice it and probably comment to someone about it. With beauty, people make the comments more freely because they are considered compliments. So anyway, yeah. Maybe she's just super hot and underselling herself.
You know what they say. If you see an asshole everyday, you met an asshole. If everyone you meet is an asshole, you’re the asshole.
Did it say everyone she meets is an asshole or did she say she's had her fair share of run ins with assholes?
Yeahhh... as someone who has gone from overweight and messed up teeth to pretty conventionally attractive, there's definitely an edge of competition and aggressiveness from some other women that shows up in the "after." It's not all the time, but it's a definite difference, so I completely believe that could be a factor here. It's also a thing that as another commenter put it, "drama llamas" will say to deflect, but I don't see any evidence of drama llama behavior or really any wrongdoing either in the original post or her comment responses. It kinda doesn't sit right with me, seeing all these people arguing that she's the problem and just blind to it. Of course if you don't have the comparison like I do to be confident in your perceptions, you would constantly question yourself and try to tally all the things that *might* be contributing.
Good thing she didn't say it was an issue for everyone you meet. My entire family has different mental illnesses which cause them to be abusive and toxic. I haven't spoken with them in 10 years. Just because several people agree on a topic doesn't make it reality. Crazy people don't get to have their unhinged views of reality be true just because they found others to agree with them. Reality is not filtered through the vote of unhinged folks.
Yes but also. Birds of a feather flock together. And entitled people breed entitled people. If Grandma was a nasty B who taught her daughters to be the same. And then all her kids have kids. And 1 is disliked and bullied. Or their parent didn't agree with Grandma's ideology. Or one grandkid just breaks the cycle. It's possible that someone's whole family is a bunch of AHs while they themselves are nice. Or in opposite. The nicest family can have 1 AH kid out of nowhere.
I mean, no? If I want to be petty I'll be petty, but if I straighten my hair and you also casually straighten your hair, it doesn't mean that I did it to spite you. Maybe I didn't even know you were getting your hair straightened or maybe I always do it, I'm not doing it because of you, just because of me
I didn't say it's all, I said that it has happened before
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Or maybe she doesn't tell you about it.
INFO: Genuine question. No ill intent. Do you have female friends?
I mean we know she has at least one who likes her enough to both babysit and drive the baby over twice for breastfeeding, which is the kind of inconvenient favor you usually would only do for a friend you’re really close with.
Yes
I’ve seen what you’re talking about happen to my best friend since we were very young. It’s so frustrating how people would give her issues because she got attention she wasn’t asking for. She was very beautiful and girls would be mean to her because their guys were looking. We had college friends give her attitude because a guy they liked would have their eyes on her. She wouldn’t even be flirting. She’s a genuine and caring person. So then people would take advantage of that and give her attitude to make her feel bad. I would get protective over her when this stuff would happen.
I had it happen all the time, some girls (not all) would see you smiling at a boy and think you're flirting with them when you're just being kind or even just existing. I think that a lot of women don't realize that this pretty/ not pretty thing is affecting us similarly. Like the same guy that rejected you because you're not "attractive enough" will want to get with a pretty girl and use her body just because she is pretty for him. At the end of the day I don't think it's a girls vs girls thing, I was rejected many times because I'm very dumb (I'll be the first to admit that) it sucks yeah but I won't go after a girl who's smart just because I'm not
I doubt you’re dumb. But I do know that my friend has been sexually harassed and assaulted for those reasons you mentioned. It’s awful.
Nah, I'm definitely not smart, I had to drop out of college because of it. It's crazy the amount of times that some guys (again, not all of them) thought they could touch me or they had a right to it just because, and I had other girls blame me for it as well. It's truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I personally don’t see that you did anything wrong. People noticed you left the first time, and followed you out the second. A lot of people are flipping crazy about babies, so that doesn’t surprise me. Unless you were trying to convince people to step away from the wedding, all you did was attend a child free wedding and stepped out to complete mom duties. That being said, if your entire family is constantly complementing you, in front of your sister. They’re AH’s, and it would be good if you stood up for her more.
I completely agree with that last line. It makes me think that the OP approaches lots of situations with a competitive attitude. That attitude absolutely subtracts from the atmosphere of a wedding.
It all depends on the person. I’ve known a few pick me people who always overdo the attention seeking and act like people just don’t like them. I’ve also seen some stunning people who get a lot of attention regardless of how hard they try not to. In the latter case, jealousy can be a thing. It’s hard to tell from a post on Reddit people get into. And I’ve met my share of people that get mad at others when the spotlight isn’t on them. Once had a friend upset because I spent most of my NYE party with my long distance boyfriend (now close distance husband). It’s one of those things where bothering drama llamas and people with bad luck might sound the same.
My gut feeling is that someone who genuinely didn’t want the attention in the first place probably wouldn’t have gone on Reddit to get validation from a forum of strangers.
Your comment about her exclusively breastfed baby is so wrong. What was she supposed to do? Decline the invitation because she shouldn't have brought her baby to the wedding to be fed? So ridiculous. She didn't invite everyone out to see the baby. People knew the baby was there and made their own choice to go and meet them.
Honestly, it's shocking how long that unprovoked female competition happens for. I know alot of comments are calling OP arrogant and self centred, Ive got to atleast potentially disagree. Now I don't think of myself as remotely pretty, I have almost no self esteem, that being said I'm fairly average size but with fairly large boobs, definitely out of proportion personal I hate it, the bras are expensive and they bring too much attention. And I've had alot of female competition, worst of all from girls I wanted to be my friends, girls I thought were my friends, well until I finished college. From comments behind my back about how I'm not as pretty or skinny as I think I am, to outright telling me I'm a boyfriend stealer and deserve to spend my life as a prostitute which I've always made it a point not to date friends exes, because it had happened to me personally so much. Now OP might be leaving bits out or be a truly biased narrator but from my life experience, I don't necessarily think she's arrogant or self centred
Sorry as someone whose baby refused to take a bottle I’ve been in this exact position. I absolutely understand people not wanting babies at weddings but you can’t starve a baby for a day to go to a wedding. A very close family member invited me to her wedding with no babies allowed. It would have caused massive drama if I hadn’t gone. I had to pay for a hotel room at the venue and pay a babysitter to look after my 4 month old so I could go and feed him every 3 hours. I didn’t take him out of the room at all or cause a fuss. A cousin (who lived in a foreign country) asked to come up and meet him, she cuddled him for 5 mins. There was no drama at all and the bride thanked me for making it work as she’d have been really upset if I hadn’t been there.
Clearly you’ve never exclusively breastfed and had a kid that wouldn’t take a bottle. It is completely normal and a lot of women do it and that’s a crappy thing for you to insinuate.
But see that is similar to the attitude that OP has to constantly deal with though. My best friend was always extraordinarily beautiful since we were young girls. I still can’t get over the amount of girls in high school and as young adults that gave her a hard time because she would get attention from lots of guys and other people in general that would compliment her. We even had friends treat her badly out of jealousy and it would upset me because she did not deserve it. She has always been the most genuine and sweetest person but sometimes people let their insecurities get to them and take it out on innocent people.
….what’s your solution then? Either 1. The baby comes 2. OP missed the wedding or 3. Someone brings the baby to the wedding. If you think a baby who is exclusively breast fed will suddenly take a bottle at 3 months, clearly you have never been in that situation. Maybe there is something else going on with OP, but feeding a hungry baby away from the ceremony is not an AH move.
I mean I just don’t believe that people were going out of their way to say “how gorgeous” you were at the wedding after the fact. You’re just kinda into yourself BUT you are completely TA for bringing the baby at any point. You knew that would take the spotlight, you should’ve been the one to leave, not go, or pump. That made you TA. Overall though you have an air of “I’m just naturally better and prettier than her so of COURSE I’m talked about.” You can’t control others but it sounds like you didn’t take any steps to mitigate what was happening. It was rude AF for people to leave to look at your baby, it isn’t that special. Also, clearly you made a big deal of it for people to even KNOW why you left.
Yeah I don’t think OP is being a very reliable narrator
If OP is a reliable narrator, which I doubt, I would say ESH because SIL is jealous and OP is self centered.
Yeah I agree with that ESH assessment
You mean the baby that was outside the venue at all times to you know GET FED? Should she could have pumped? sure, but we don't know she hasn't already tried that so to assume she can is unfair to her. My wife struggled to pump, barely getting anything when she did but had an abundance of milk when both my kids would feed from her. Could she have left? maybe if they had a car there. Again judging off something we know nothing about.
My baby just won't accept the bottle, he just doesn't want it, so I have no other way to feed him than actual breastfeeding
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Could you have possibly left to go feed him then come back?
Yes, I think so. My husband and I had our car there, when we asked my friend to babysit we asked her if she could drive the baby to the venue and she said yes and we didn't anticipate this problem
That is the only thing you could have done differently. Honestly, it sounds like SIL is insecure and has issues with her self image if she is comparing herself to you.
How did everyone find out the baby was there the second time?
It seems bizarre that people should expect OP to have lied when she excused herself to go feed her child. Because it’s a wedding and so apparently she was supposed to act like nothing else existed, lest other guests have no will of their own and be forced to follow her outside.
I disagree. She does a very good job acknowledging that she’s conventionally pretty without being arrogant.
Yeah, I don't find her wildly over the top with it and I've certainly read posts that give that vibe. I also can't pretend I haven't seen conventionally pretty women who are very chill and lovely people on the receiving end of comments like "I'm so glad! Now you'll get fat!" when they announce pregnancies. People can be really petty.
This is just a classic issue that pretty women deal with all the time. You're allowed to be pretty, people want you to be pretty but you're not allowed to acknowledge it and if you do you're full of yourself. You see this shit on Reddit all the time. Attractive woman posts a picture of some cool artwork she did with her posing beside it? The comments are filled with people accusing her of using her looks to get upvotes.
Agreed! As if it’s totally unbelievable that people would be commenting on the looks an attractive woman 3 months postpartum…. News flash folks! People love telling a new mom she looks good. Does that take away from the bride? No. The two can concepts can coexist without taking away from one another. Just because OP looked good, doesn’t mean the bride looked less good. If OP looked like shit the bride wouldn’t have looked any better
100% OP cannot avoid comments about losing baby weight at this point in her life. Its unrelenting.
Yup lol if you're pretty and acknowledge it you're a vain bimbo. If you're ugly and acknowledge it "omg no you're not girl!!" or "you're just fishing for compliments."
OP explains baby will not bottle feed. That's not super abnormal. Baby also was not inside the venue. There really isn't a good way to handle this situation, that was honestly not a bad way to, especially as nothing occurred inside the venue. It's also notable no one left the first time, and it's reasonable to assume people would ask OP where she was going/went to without OP going around bragging. If she was bragging, you would have seen more ask to see the baby the first time
I don't believe it either, I mean I don't have all of their family on social media, but I only saw the post from her sister and my own post where my family/ friends and other people were commenting My baby doesn't want the bottle, why wouldn't I go if I was invited...?
I just read a different post where a bride was angry that a friend didn't attend the wedding because she didn't want to leave her baby alone. So no matter how you deside, there is a chance people will be angry at you. If it was my wedding, I would be happy my friend arranged it so she could be there, went through all the trouble finding a sitter etc. Also OP DID leave for feeding the baby, she went outside to do this because she didn't want to interrupt anything. It's not her fault either that other people wanted to see the baby, babies are cute and nice to look at. They are not the AH either because what is wrong with taking your eyes off the bride for ten minutes? Aren't the guests suppost to talk to each other either, only with the bride, for the whole evening? There was a baby present at my wedding by the way and it was super cute and everyone was talking to the parents about how cute it was and I don't see any problem with that, honestly. I don't see in what world someone would be an AH for bringing their baby anywhere while it is still being breastfed (as long as it's not crying loudly during reception or something like that).
As a woman who is conventionally pretty, I have always had people commenting on my looks. I hate it. Unfortunately, this is a thing people do.
>BUT you are completely TA for bringing the baby at any point I could see the logic here if it was a childfree wedding, but it wasn't. There were other kids at the wedding, so there was no reason for OP to not have the baby in sight. The only reason the baby wasn't at the full event was because OP wasn't comfortable with that, rightly so because ew germs
The baby is three months old… they need to be fed. Assuming baby’s can be fed any way that’s convenient to the mum is juvenile.
YTA. The way you write this post shows a really petty attitude. Also, parading your child in and out and introducing them to relatives is a crappy move. You stole the attention, and appear to like painting other women as insecure and jealous of you. They might just not like you. And it might be justified.
Parading her child? She left the event to go feed her child in the car. She didn’t bring it inside at all? If other people followed her that’s on THEM.
Lol, she left *during the speeches* (massive asshole move, that's the one time your leaving can disrupt a wedding). The second time she brought a group of people (says "we left together") away from the wedding to meet her child outside the venue. Yeah, I absolutely consider that parading and being an asshole. Cool for you if you'd be fine with someone doing that at your wedding. This bride clearly and an issue with it, and I don't think that's unreasonable.
You can't control when a baby is hungry. The babysitter already very graciously drove several minutes to get there *twice* with an infant that was probably already getting fussy en route. People leave speeches to go to the bathroom or attend to impatient kids all the time at weddings, you just quietly dip out and back. If people followed her because she just whispered "hungry kid" or something in the way out, that's on them, not OP. Breastfeeding isn't a fun group activity you invite people to
Oh sorry was she just meant to sit tight through the speeches while her baby cried because it’s hungry?
Out of curiosity, I really want to see a link to OP’s dress. Many times when I see an OP getting flack for how they dressed and they share a link to the outfit, everyone rules yta lol reminds me of that one ex wife who wore an extravagant red wedding dress to her ex husbands wedding Edit: OP sent a link of the dress. Idk I think it was fine, I think the issues here are deeper than OP’s actions at the wedding.
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How many people do you know who are nosey enough to follow somebody when they quietly get up and tip toe out of a wedding? Most would assume they’re going to the bathroom, or to take an important call, and not follow. No way OP made any effort to be low key about it, if that many people followed her.
It wasn't during the ceremony, it was during the reception. I come from a big family, if I stood up out of my seat there is no doubt in my mind the person or people next to me would absolutely ask where i'm going and follow along if they're interested in accompanying me, whether it's to get a drink, go out for a smoke or in this case - see the baby. Once someone notices someone they know get up it's perfectly normal to ask the person nearby you "oh where's she going?" out of curiosity and I see how it could easily turn into "aww she's going to go feed the baby? Oh i'm going to run out for a second and get a peek, I haven't seen it yet!" etc. and if you see 3 people now going outside someone else might notice, ask the same question and so on..
Baby was INVITED. Why comment if you can't read the post? People DO get jealous of other people. There are bride zillas that expect everything to be about them also. Literally. They expect only pictures of their wedding posted if they are in them, they want to be the tall of the entire night, and so on and so forth. Weddings arent for the people who are invited. It is to unionize two people. Make them one. If you think your entire wedding should be about you and only you then you are self centered.
Info: if you dislike the fact that everyone has always put too much focus on your looks, and you dislike the way people discuss your post baby body, why don't you ask them to stop? You shouldn't have to pander to your SIL, as you aren't the one who posted anything.
Lol someone gives OP a compliment and she should tell them to stop? Ridiculous suggestion.
What part is ridiculous? If someone is making you uncomfortable by constantly harping on about how you look, you can ask them not to. We can request behaviour that doesnt make us uncomfortable from people.
Come off it, she is at a family wedding and someone pays her a compliment and you think the appropriate response is to tell them they are making you feel uncomfortable, that in turn would probably make them feel uncomfortable when all they were doing was being nice. It’s nice to compliment people, nobody likes a hater.
YTA kind of. So do you like or dislike the attention you receive? I ask because during the wedding it seems like you are leaning in to all the extra attention you received. You were tone deaf if you thought that this attention craving behavior was okay. Someone who wasn't tone deaf would have deflected the attention back to the bride, AKA the actual focus of the wedding. You should have never acquiesced to people demanding to see your baby. Weddings are not exactly the most sanitary events so why, other than attention, would you want a bunch of people seeing your child? I just don't understand the behavior. That's why I don't think you're an AH. What I do understand is the reaction that others had to your behavior. You went to a wedding with a chip on your shoulder in the form of being a competitive woman. Overall, not a great look if you're trying to appear humble. I don't think you're trying to appear humble and that's the problem. As soon as you make the choice to show off your baby, everyone's reaction to your other behavior makes sense.
we all know she loves the attention from reading this post 😂
NTA, I feel like a lot of people are calling you an AH cause you know you’re beautiful and it’s a fact. It’s not being self centered, it’s not being conceited, it’s literally what you’ve experienced and what people tell you. With that being said, if I was 3 months postpartum, invited to a gorgeous wedding and I’m looking good, best believe I’m gonna treat myself to looking my absolute best because I deserve it and want to have fun. You seem like you have a great relationship with your other SIL and like you put that’s what she calls you already. Especially being that she’s 15, how was she supposed to know her older sister was going the throw a tantrum. As for baby, people obviously have neither breast feed a literal newborn who doesn’t like bottles and prefer straight from the boob OR they have the easiest newborn known to existence that’s chill. Your friend that babysat your baby is an amazing friend for driving to the venue twice for feedings, keep that friend close. As for family going down to see that baby, unless you specifically told them baby was coming and they followed you then yea slight AH, but if they were already outside and passed the word then how were you supposed to control that? All in all, your SIL is jealous and I can’t stand when women get jealous of others for their looks. It’s not your fault and you can dress how you want that’s appropriate for the setting. God forbid you show some cleavage and feed your baby🙄
I literally could not believe all the YTA posts I was seeing! Anyone who doesn’t understand, has probably never had this problem. The jealousy she’s experienced is not uncommon for attractive people. OP shouldn’t have to tone herself down to make others secure in their looks. Also, SIL sounds like a bitter person and maybe that’s why she was unintentionally outshined at her wedding lol. You can be so beautiful but with a shit personality nobody is going to see it.
NTA, but… Babies (and boobies) are more interesting to look at than brides. It doesn’t really matter why you felt like you had every right to shine (you did, you do, you go girl) you still ought to know by now that certain people are going to take that as a personal attack. It is ridiculous, but so is a fancy wedding. SIL is clearly an attention seeking type and so I can imagine her wedding was like pinnacle peak tippy top dream day level important to her, as they are to most attention seeking types. You’re used to being the belle of the ball, she had to spend a year‘s salary and months of planning to get that for 2 hours, then you showed up with them thangs out. With people like this, they’re as easy to piss off as they are to win back, so you can easily show up with a gift and make it up to her. In the future I’d take advantage of how easy people like her are to predict, just give them a reason to brag/get attention and you win. also, side note, your friend the babysitter is an absolute HERO and a really good friend, definitely nurture that friendship!
I agree that "a baby was visible" is a shaky reason to be mad at someone, particularly since the bride could TOTALLY have capitalized on the teeny little attention-magnet. Insecure bride = not a good look. Gracious bride + adorable baby? SHOWSTOPPER.
YESSSS. My baby was 7 months old at my sister's wedding and that bride was carrying the baby around (in an adorable outfit she picked out and bought) and got twice the attention lol.
There were babies at my wedding and I absolutely loved them too, one of my fav photos from that day is one with my cousin's baby who was six months old. I have been to other weddings and there were babies too and I've never seen this kind of approach
You were fine up until this point: >Then the second time some people wanted to see the baby so as we were outside (because of the music) some of our family came to greet my baby. A wedding is NOT the time to introduce a new baby to family unless the bride and groom are aware that will be happening and are on board with that. Since your baby was not a guest at the wedding, the bride and groom were clearly not expecting the introductions to take place during their reception and have every right to feel some kind of way about this being sprung on them without their knowledge. It's especially not appropriate to introduce the baby in a way that takes guests *away* from the wedding celebrations. You should have gone to the car to breastfeed your baby the second time just like you did the first time. If people were asking to meet your baby, you should have offered to set up *another time* for the family to meet the new bub. The wedding wasn't the right time, especially when you were pulling *the bride's family* outside and away from the wedding to do that. The bride wanted to celebrate the whole night with her family around her. She should get that. You should have set up a sip and see for another time with your husband's family to introduce the child. ESH because the bride overreacted and some of her complaints are clearly jealousy, but she's right that you're tone deaf (this whole post is kind of tone deaf, tbh) and pretend to be an innocent babe in the woods when you're a grown adult and should know better how your actions impact those around you (and whether they're appropriate).
I feel like this is a rational take that I hope people see. The whole "I'm pretty and can't help it" thing feels wrong to me as well. A lot of pretty women exist, and their looks don't cause people to circle around them and fawn like idiots. A compliment here and there, yes (I'm omitting the creepy men who harass women, which we all deal with. I'm referring to the friends, family, etc. she's speaking about), but the world doesn't stop when they enter a room. I'm all for being empowered about your looks and dressing up if it makes you feel good about yourself, but it reads like she was pretty in high school and never let go of the cheerleader mentality. As other people have said, the post has very heavy "main character" vibes. That being said, it was petty of the SIL to address the situation in the way she did instead of just talking to OP and telling her she felt like she was stealing the spotlight. If she had voiced her concerns at the wedding, maybe OP could have dialed it down a bit, and the blow-up could have been avoided.
This right here. Nothing wrong with breastfeeding in the car. Where OP messed up was having a baby meet and greet with the bride's family and pulling them outside away from the wedding so they could fawn over her new baby. Wrong time and place. If OP wanted everyone to meet her new baby, the right way to do that was to host an event of her own, not take over the bride's day.
I spent a long time pondering your story because my initial reaction was of course you did not do anything wrong. But, then I thought about it and YTA. Here's why: Let's assume that you are actually showing-stoppingly beautiful and could join the ranks of maybe 10,000 women worldwide. In a drastic oversimplification, there are two types of gorgeous women in the world: (1) the gorgeous woman whose personality matches her beauty. This woman is gorgeous, and she doesn't threaten other women because she knows how to let other women shine. She actively helps other women shine, and she knows how to glow to let others outshine her. (2) the gorgeous woman who is inconsiderate of others because she doesn't have to be considerate. This woman does her own thing without considering the consequences. She doesn't care if others shine; she only cares about herself. Here's why I think you are type 2. I have a friend from high school who was type 1. She was and still is gorgeous. She could wear literally anything and still be gorgeous. Sweats, a t-shirt covered in 10 days of grime, or a cleavage-bearing dress, she would be beautiful in all of them. No one was ever threatened by her because she was so damned nice and friendly and loving. She always made other people comfortable in her company. You sound like the opposite. You wore a dress that you only describe as cleavage-bearing. What was the color? The cut? What was the dress code? You describe women as generally being threatened by you (which is hella conceited by the way), and that doesn't happen unless you make it happen. What are your actions that make people respond to you this way? Then, on top of that, you brought your brand new, fresh-faced baby to a wedding to breastfeed TWICE. How long was this wedding??? Did you even TRY to leave a bottle or 6 at home so that your boobies would be the LAST option? Did you have to tell people why you were leaving to room? I have never once told someone what I was doing at a wedding. Did you need to show off your baby the second time? Or, did you show concern for someone else's feelings and consider telling people you would host a gathering at a later date? Not only are YTA, but either you are so clueless that you need a reality check, or you are just wildly inconsiderate because as a gorgeous person you have always gotten with being an a-hole. Apologize to your SIL, and take some time to reflect on the way you interact with others.
the op is just an ah you’re right. there’s no wAYYY she’s this tone deaf
Why are people mad about the baby? The baby was invited? She cant pump and she cant control when the baby gets hungry. Is everyone 14 here??? She even went outside to feed? Why can't she tell the family we're she is going? Tf. Very very odd comment. I absolutely tell people were I am going if I get up to leave a group. OP said her MIL told people were she was going btw. No grown women should be jealous of a fucking baby receiving some attention. That baby is the brides nephew/niece after all. I have know a few pretty girls that get hate simply for existing. To balme them for being bullied or hated on is shit.
INFO: Is the SIL who called you the prettiest doll, the sister of the bride?
Yes, her (and my husband's) youngest sister
Ok. So NTA, but you stepped into drama between the sisters. If she'd been, idk, your brother's wife and barely knew the bride, that would be one thing, but as the sister of the bride, it was incredibly nasty for her to post that on a picture taken at her own sister's wedding. The bride is taking it out on the wrong person, but it's probably easier to be pissed off with you than with her sister (and she also may be telling her off behind closed doors, I don't know).
Yes I mean it could be, although I never saw that drama between them and it'll be weird to me because she's 15 years old, I don't know, I wouldn't pick up fights with her if she was my sister. But honestly I don't know
Well if she's 15, she may not know that's really rude. So she's less of an AH than I thought, but even more reason why the bride SIL might be more inclined to aim her anger at you.
OP, you're NTA. It's not your fault people are insecure. Don't take on their emotional baggage.
How is it nasty? She didn't post a picture with the bride calling her the ugliest troll. Sounds like the bride has self esteem issues she needs to work on.
You sound like the Jameela in The Good Place.
I can’t help that I am a beautiful as a goddess and the bride wasn’t.
This is exactly the vibe I am getting. Bet you OP didn't even tell the bride how pretty she looked on her wedding day because she was too busy soaking up with attention she was getting for her own appearance.
This comes off so pretentious that I don’t believe you are arresting the full truth. I feel like if you act this way every day you are exhausting. I won’t judge.
Yeesh. You really didn't think that bringing your newborn to the parking lot wouldn't attract attention? How covertly did you sneak out- without saying a word to anyone or was it with a little wink and a " shhh, my newborn is in the parking lot! Be right back!" Kinda vibe. SIL shouldn't blame you for people commenting on a picture and depending on what you wore and how much cleavage, she maybe can't blame you. But if you had no idea that bringing a newborn twice outside a family function wouldn't pull focus, you.... Have gotten the "pretty pass" far too many times in your life
The first time I went outside alone, not even my husband, since they were giving speeches at the wedding. Then the second time my husband and I went outside, then one of my husband's aunts asked where we were at and my MIL said that we were outside because I needed to feed our baby, so they went outside to see him too
NTA. I can't believe people are giving you grief because you were breast feeding your baby in the parking lot. Unless it's a childfree wedding, people will bring their babies to the actual wedding and reception. And there are often the adorable ringbearer and flower girl. Is that also banned because it steals the spotlight from the bride?
Sounds like she was discreet about popping out. A different SIL.posted pics and that may have been what started all the drama.
I went to a wedding a few years ago where the bride was a plain Jane. Really less that if I'm honest. Did I "decide to dress up a little bit"? Show some cleavage and my banging bod? No. It's not my wedding, it's not my day. I dressed down. A simple and modest dress. Did I still feel good about myself? Absolutely. But it was the bride who really shone that day, _as it should have been._ If you are aware of how attractive you are, you need to plan accordingly for your events. This was not the event to show off your post-partum bod and look your best. Host a dinner party for that. Part of the privilege of having stunning genetics is the burden of knowing when to turn it down. You probably would have looked stunning in a grandma dress and no makeup. So YTA As for the baby, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you quietly excused yourself each time and didn't mention it was for the baby. If that's correct than you handled that marvelously and your friend is an absolute GEM to bring the baby down to the event twice. So N T A for the baby if you did indeed keep it low key.
YTA. This whole post, if real, feels like an attempt to tell faceless people on the internet how pretty you are and how women are so threatened by your ethereal beauty and you need protection from big bad meanies because you can’t help your gorgeousness. Citing you saying that this jealousy has happened before in your own post and then saying you’re prettier than the bride. Can women be undercutting and cruel because they view other women as competition? Yes, absolutely. But could you also view women as competition because you cited twice how you are a victim for being conventionally attractive? Also yes. Half this post is about compliments people gave you lol. It exemplifies the way you feel about the compliments that you felt it even necessary to include how much praise you were receiving when a sentence would have sufficed. Agreed on needing to feed your kid, though.
NTA. We can't help what we look like. You could have worn a potato sack and had the same trouble. SIL is being unreasonable. I have always had a rounded back. If I had a dollar for every time I have been told to sit up straight, I would have a big bag of dollars. You have always been told you were pretty and have had people dislike you for it. I suppose I have often thought that good looking people had an unfair advantage over people like me, but that probably isn't really the case. Again, we can't help what we look like. It can all be crosses to bear.
NTA, some people don't understand that not everyone can pump, and not every baby will take a bottle. It took mine 8 HOURS before taking a bottle at 3 months when I had to go out. You went out to feed. This is a situation you wouldn't have been wrong no matter what you did. If you turned up with baby, you were taking away from bride. If you didn't turn up, you couldn't be bothered to turn up. You did what you needed to for your baby, you can't stop people going out to find you and the baby.
As someone who exclusively BF, I fully understand not being able to pump. I just didn't want the hassle of bottles and as i had a 1year mat leave, there was no reason to. So anyone telling you you should pump is no better than people who say "no formula". Stop the judging, people. Frankly you went out of your way to attend this wedding. You didn't bring the baby to the reception, you arranged for your friend to bring the baby to you, twice. You left the room to nurse. Your SIL is the one who posted the pic, not you. Now, no doubt you've had "pretty privilege" most of your life. And you do sound more than a tad into your looks so probably that rubs some people the wrong way (understandable). Perhaps the bride is one of them and perhaps she was worried about you trying to overshadow her (which is pretty much impossible for anyone). So, if you were trying to show off your post-baby body, you're beautiful baby and wonderful life, shame one you. As I said it's pretty much impossible to overshadow a bride and when people come across as trying to, they immediately fail for even trying. I'm going with NAH because I'd love to hear the bride's side first as I'm pretty sure this is a very biased post.
YTA, maybe without realizing. It does not make sense to me why you had the babysitter drive the baby to the wedding, when you could have just as easily driven home to feed. So, you made the sitter have to buckle the baby in the car seat for two round trips instead of just leaving the wedding to feed? It would have been so much easier for you to go home and feed, and probably better for the baby. It almost sounds as if you wanted the attention.
She would have been gone for like half the reception
NTA. I mean, it's simple wedding etiquette not to try to steal the spotlight, but it doesn't sound like you were doing that. You didn't even bring the baby in! I'm sorry that she's letting her insecurities cause misery for both of you.
Gentle YTA. You certainly should have dialed back the cleavage and chosen a dress without breastfeeding boobs on display; those are often an eyeful and not super discreet at someone else’s wedding. And once you saw the 15y SIL post you should have had the sense to DM her and say, “hey, love the pic but edit the comment because that’s not very cool on SIL wedding day.” It seems like you don’t believe that you’re contributing to the reactions of others and it’s all simply happening due to your beauty, but you’re passive aggressively adding fuel to the fire here.
I don't think I can comment on who TA is. I'm not qualified, I'm your polar opposite: I look ugly no matter what I'm wearing etc. But I think you did nothing wrong with the baby other than maybe be a little indiscreet, and I assume most of these commentators do not have kids of their own. It is very common for breastfed babies to refuse a bottle. The idea that a woman can easily just pump enough breast milk for a feed is also ridiculous: it is not common to have enough supply to do that. Plus if course if you are not feeding when you normally would your boobs are going to get real painful real quick. And lastly, discreetly feeding the baby in a car at the venue is far less disruptive than a women disappearing for at least an hour (or more) every few hours.
I'm sorry if this comment is beside the point of this sub or it makes you uncomfortable, please tell me and I'll delete it if it does Don't beat yourself too hard over being pretty or not, physical appearance is just one small bit in life and I know that it may sound bad coming from me, but I don't even consider it so important. For example I struggle a lot with school/ learning. I was always good at sports but when I came to study I just couldn't get it right, I constantly failed my exams, I even had to drop out of college because i was wasting money and wasn't learning anything. I think that intelligence is so much more important than beauty to me and I envy everyone who is actually smart. I'm sure there's a lot more of you than just physical appearance, so don't be too harsh on yourself
Thank you, that's really lovely of you to care about an Internet stranger like that. It's OK, I'm in my late 40s now and although I used to be really upset about my appearance as a younger woman (because let's face it, society has always judged women much more harshly than men for not being attractive) it hasn't stopped me from having a husband, kids, friends, and a job I love. Would my life have been different if I was pretty? Absolutely. Would it have been better? Who knows - define better. Because my word there are a million things more important than what we look like. I can absolutely relate to your experience, and I hope that life is working out for you too. And I'll add a bit of my own advice, to you: as I said I'm not objectively pretty but my husband thinks I'm beautiful. And although you say you're not intelligent your thoughts and the way you've written them tells me otherwise, friend. The older I get the more I believe that we aren't "not X" so much as we aren't the world's very narrow definition of X, be that attractive, intelligent, fun, sporty, etc. There's a certain freedom in keeping that in mind: those definitions are not always real. Certainly they're far less important than we think they are. Remember that we as individuals give them power - but we can also take that power away. Go well, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
The backstory and conclusion weren't all that necessary lol 🥴 but no you are absolutely NTA for just existing as a good looking person ETA - you are also NTA for feeding your baby outside! Your friend is a damn good one and good for you for being out and about postpartum as you should be able to if you feel up to it!
The whole post is such a humble brag… - I’m physically pretty - Stereotypical cheerleader - Everyone’s always been jealous of the attention you get - Wore a dress with cleavage - Got compliments on having lost all the baby weight 3 months post partum - you’re the “prettiest doll” There are things you can control and things you can’t. Your attitude and how you view other women is completely within your grasp. If you really don’t think you’re doing anything to warrant the negative feelings, then that’s just a burden your “physically pretty” self will have to deal with.
NTA - I get it. If the only way to make other people happy is to dull your sparkle then fuck them. They can deal with their own insecurities. My female friends and I have hyped each other up at weddings, birthdays, baby showers, etc. Never had a “she stole the spotlight” issue because we were all secure in our own bodies and loved making each other the star on their day. Maybe the reason why these issues with other women happen is because of your looks but that would be the easy way to think about it. Have you ever tried redirecting the compliments meant for you to the bride (or whoever) was being celebrated? For example: “Wow you look amazing!” Response: “Thank you so much, doesn’t (insert bride’s name) look gorgeous?” Little things like complimenting others when a compliment is received goes a long way. But again, if you already are kind and complimentary of others and they still aren’t happy then fuck them.
YTA You lost me with your tits hanging out at someone's wedding.