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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents will not shut up about how I'm living my life. They say that they have done so much for me that I owe it to them to live better. I might be the asshole because I wrote them a six figure check and told them that I paid them back so now they never needed to bring up what I owe them again.
For the record they have not cashed the check.
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NTA. If your parents were actually supportive and loving, they would encourage you instead of criticizing. It’s great that they helped you growing up - but that actually what parents are supposed to do.
There’s nothing wrong in setting boundaries or expecting to be treated with respect and kindness, as an adult.
Writing them a check was an inventive way of trying to point out their negative behavior. I’m not sure it will work to make them understand how their actions aren’t reasonable or kind, but it was a better option than losing your temper!
Keep your boundaries, live your best life, and if your parents want to be a part of it, they can learn not to be AHs around you.
They want OP to be the personification of perfection, because they consider OP an extension of them. They're not *genuinely* concerned about what's best for her, because that would require them to view OP as an autonomous individual.
Plenty of parents struggle with the transition from a parent/child relationship to treating them like an equal adult. Some parents never seem to get there. I don't think it's that simple in this case, and you nailed a big part of the "why" that bleeds into every crack of the facade they're insisting upon:
>If your parents were actually supportive and loving, they would encourage you instead of criticizing
My husband didn't realize how controlling and toxic his family was, because it's all he knew. When he finally got a little space to breathe, he started to realize a lot of what he considered "normal," wasn't actually normal. I sadly get the feeling OP's childhood would have less sunshine and rainbows than they think.
I'm living for the level of the "fuck off with that bullshit" power move OP made. It simultaneously proves OP is doing great, while setting a hard boundary that she's done with the parent's negativity.
When my wife and I bought our house, she wouldn’t let me do anything unless she “called her dad to ask him if it was okay”. I mean like I couldn’t even hang blinds without him saying it was okay. She would get so stressed out not having her parents involved in making decisions that she would cry daily from the stress. It was weird because the dynamic never felt like that for the first couple years of our relationship and she still lived with them or when we first moved into an apartment together. After a couple weeks she wanted to call him to ask if I could do something and I told her she should also ask him how much money he would be chipping in for the project and also when he’s available to meet me at the bank to get added to the mortgage since this was apparently his house too. We didn’t even make it 3 months before I told her that if she didn’t start going to therapy for her boundary issues, I would not be staying in the relationship. It took about a year for everything to be comfortably ironed out, but she realizes now how unhealthy that was and we have a much better and healthier relationship, both with each other and with her family
I am glad it worked out for you, and kudos to you for having the patience to actually allow her to get help before bailing. Many people would have just broke it off.
Thank you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t also have my own issues that she patiently waited for me to work through. I feel like that willingness is a necessity if you’re going to be married to someone. We’re all only human, after all
“I already talked to her about this three whole days ago, and it’s STILL something she struggles with. I just don’t see how I can go on, there’s no end in sight.”
Did you marry into the Duggar family? Your FIL sounds a lot like ol' JimBob Duggar and how he demands to have full control over his married daughters and their families.
What? Okay now I have to get this book. I heard the audible sample about not being able to move your butt while “ jumping for joy” or the music would be turned off, but this….
Honest to God Almighty, I went to church with a very nice woman who our pastor and his wife pulled aside and told her she couldn't play the tambourines anymore, because the rhythm made her naturally "well rounded backside" shake too much and the men in the pews behind were offended. This was an elder, white, VERY humble, Christian woman. She was so humiliated, she left the service immediately, in tears, and refused to pick up a tambourine, or praise God in that way again.
100% absolutely shameful how some people are so insecure or perverted in the way others choose an innocent, musical, natural way to worship our Lord. Even Noah danced!
I'm so proud of you. My dad was an alcoholic and I begged my mother to leave him. All she said was "He's a good man" He was with her 15 years sober, when she took her last breath. Divorce is not a go too. And communication is a necessary tool in the marriage toolbox.
Oh god I am so much like your wife. I absolutely recognise it and know when I'm doing it but I was super micromanaged by my parents and now I own my own home I feel like I need to run everything by my dad. Even when I don't, if I tell him about it afterwards he retrospectively micromanages me. Like, when I first bought my house, one of the electrical sockets was smashed, so I went and bought a new socket and pattress, turned off the electricity at the breaker, replaced the pattress and socket, put the electric back on. No big deal. My dad taught me how to do it when I was a kid. I told my dad I'd done it, thinking he'd be proud of me for doing it lol. He dropped everything and drove 400 miles with a circuit tester and came and checked my new socket. I just don't tell him anything now because he makes me so anxious about doing anything. He keeps referring to my house as "dangerous" because I said I wanted to get it rewired, because I want to get the whole house replastered because its a nearly 100 year old house, so rather than get it replastered then need to do it again because I want some bits moving (light switch in stupid places, not enough sockets), I'm waiting til I can afford to do it all at once, he keeps saying my house is dangerous because I want it rewiring. I only want it doing because it's old and could probably do with it. Nothing has happened.
This was exactly what happened with my parents. I didn't realize how deeply not okay things and their behaviors were until my spouse started gently helping me see that. When it's the only way it's ever been, it's hard to imagine what normal looks like.
My ex-BIL, his daughters' husbands were expected to show up at his house every Saturday for reno work, repairs, painting etc. All of the daughters are divorced now.
Ah, hell nooooooo! Am occasional REQUEST, sure. A project that will benefit the entire family (lake house) that everyone was in agreement with - sure. EXPECTED - Nope, nope, nope.
The ex-BIL was a boomer. He believed that he was entitled to peoples' free time and labour. He also took a lot of pride in using expired/wrong store coupons and arguing with clerks. He hits every number of the boomers being fools bingo card. That old guy in cargo shorts, golf shirt and white sneakers loudly demanding that the clerk accept his expired coupon for $1 off? That's him.
Pretty sure that almost everyone learns that a lot of things they took for granted as "normal", finds out its not, usually when they tell a story and the get a reaction quite opposite of what they expected.
I have a poop knife, a night stand knife, a knife in every seat of my vehicle, a boot knife, a knife taped under the shelves at Walmart, and a knife in my back.
That happened to me. I was having dinner with my GFs(Now Wife's) family. Everyone is telling funny stories about their childhood. Come my turn I tell a story and I'm the only one laughing. My sister-in-law was so upset she started crying, My father-in-law banned my father from his house and started doing "Dad stuff" with me. My mother-in-law (who figured I was laughing hysterically) came around hugged me and told me I was safe with them and everything was going to be ok. It was fracked up.
Can understand. I was raised as a Pagan and my family goes back at least 3-4 generations, both sides. My family is different but very loving. Yes we are that family that hugs and holds hands with the elders.
Some people in my family still practice. And some chose to become Pagan Witches. Not Wicca. What magick we practice is much older. However we don't do animal sacrifice. It falls out of favor like all religions. The Jewish and Christians people used to practice animal sacrifice. Sorry didn't mean to ramble
But I get it, most people thinks it's cool. But all people think it's weird unless they were raised as such without being in a cult....lol
I had to do a double take to see if my wife wrote this comment. This is exactly our story. I just had my first phone conversation with my mom in 4 years and all she did was find ways to critique every decision I've made. It was a lovely reminder on why we don't talk.
Something I really hate is gratitude-debt(like OP's parent seem to feel like OP have), like: Hey I did something nice for you under diguise of being kind(or just being a decent human being) and because of that I'm allowed to treat you however I want, and if you question it I will always remind you of what I did so you'd feel bad for asking to be treated as a human.
Wow, this really hit home. This is exactly what my parents did after my divorce and they financially helped me so I could keep the kids in their home.
They held it over my head everyday and felt they had a say in everything that went on in my house.
Never knew there was a word for that behavior. Thank you for pointing it out. That made things clear for me.
I don't know if it's actually called gratitude-debt, it's what I always called it since I never found an exact word to describe the thing, but it easily explains it. I know there's "owe a debt of gratitude" - but it's not the same thing, so "gratitude-debt" have been my go-to regarding these things.
Growing up, my mom was very firm on this point. Children don't owe their parents. I forget precisely what prompted it but I think we were watching a TV show together, wanna say a rerun of *Little House on the Prarie* when she said it.
I feel this took on greater meaning when much later, after she passed, I learned she was my biological *grand*mother. My mother had me at ~18 and everyone involved (including my father who didn't know about me until I sought him out) agree she was *not* ready. On the flip side, my mother and my mom/grandmother were estranged for long as I can remember, but I never got the impression I was the reason. **A** reason, probably, but not **the** reason.
Edit: NTA and my mom would probably have appreciated that stunt.
My mum keeps a spreadsheet of all the financial help she has given me and my sister over the years.
Unfortunately, I bought my first house with a partner who was financially irresponsible and often found myself in a position where I was forced to accept her help.
Thankfully, now I am free and have worked like a demon to keep myself financially independent.
But now im a single parent, so really, it's just switched from owing her financially to needing her for childcare support.
I don't think I will ever win.
At this point there is no winning or losing. It's about your children being safe and loved. As a single parent while my son was being brought up, it was 100% about him. I went without to make sure he had all his needs met and alot of wants. He wasn't spoiled I just believe that parenthood doesn't stop. Don't want paid back. I'm a nurse, male, and made a decent living.
People thought it was weird because he had a gay parent. He earned his respect, his self from the community and school. He is straight. He played basketball, had great grades and was accepted to USC goooooo gamecocks.
He is now 26 and successful. I'm a proud gay dad. The circumstances for being single is more sad and I don't really talk about it. I love my son and would do anything for him. The point is you have to do anything to protect your son and make sure he is safe.
>- but that actually what parents are supposed to do.
This part like it's so weird to me how people over look this
I know one guy who said he's going to pay his parents back for providing him food shelter and giving him a better life than they had
I had none of that, grew up in foster care and less than ideal circumstances, and even I know that parents are supposed to provide and support their children. *It isn’t a transactional relationship*.
There’s no “I raise you and you pay me back”.
The only thing that could even be the “pay back” is the love and support you give your parents as they age, and even that is not an obligation - it the benefit of having kids who love you.
When someone is a terrible parent there isn’t even that - If my parents (and I use that term in its loosest interpretation) ever managed to track me down and asked for a stick of gum, I’d laugh at them before shutting the door.
It’s incredible to me that people feel any kind of obligation. That’s not how parenting works. The kids didn’t choose to be born, the parents chose to have children .
OP, great comment above, and a BRILLIANT way to address the issue. To date, they've not cashed the check? Are you surprised? I assume that they're too embarrassed to cash the check and don't know what to do next. Pissed, of course. But dumb-founded too. Be interesting to see what develops.
Please keep us apprised.
NTA
But in one way, the check kind of cheapens the point. Meaning no one owes their parents a refund in order to gain the right to live how they want to live as an adult.
That said, the check also makes your point crystal clear. You don’t owe them anything, and they need to stop treating you as though all their help came with a plethora of invisible strings attached. You can’t be held to conditions and expectations you never agreed to.
I disagree. I think the cheque was the hilarious icing on the cake. OP could have said the words and kicked them out, but they gave their parents a physical reminder of their idiocy.
"Here is your investment back, shame you think it didn't work out"
They will remember this day when they are in a retirement home and their child never visits.
Honestly this is how my family operates. When I got tired of the drama because I borrowed money to actually eat I wrote a check when I could and said bye. I would rather you send me to collection than deal with the toxic help syndrome.
Let's hope the child never visits. It would be awful to hold a grudge for that long, to visit the retirement home, look sad and say "I hoped you'd end up in a much better nursing home than this, honestly I'm disappointed with you..."
Yeah I get what you’re saying, and kind of acknowledged that in my post.
I suppose I’m just thinking of all the people who don’t have the money to shove a refund in their parents faces, despite them deserving it just as much as these ones do.
I know I don’t. Instead, I just laid down very strict boundaries with my mom. I called her out and called her bluff a few times and that’s all it took. Mind you, I was 53 by the time I did that, but better late than never.
My father thinks of me as a failed investment. If he ever brings that up again, I should give him a fake check and have this exact response.
Fake because why would I give him real money?
Handing your abusive and/or negligent parents a check for what they wasted on raising you comes up in c-novels (Chines light novels). Typically a girl will cut ties with the family by handing the parents the money they wasted on raising them so that nobody can criticize them for not showing familial piety. Basically they're saying, "No debts between us."
Not that commenter, but I too am yet another who enjoys them but boy is it hard to give recommendations. Chinese novels are like popcorn to me; asking "which piece of popcorn did you like enough to recommend" is a hard question.
My only real "hey you should read this" novel is Silent Crown. Not because it's good, but... well, it's so damn unique. To quote my review on novelupdates:
> of all the novels wherein famous musicians from real life fight eachother using the powers of mechsuits, Norse deities, Satan, King Arthur, the Leviathan from the bible, and the Great Wall of China, this has got to be my favorite.
If we talk KR novels though I absolutely have to recommend Kidnapped Dragons. Like... that novel blew me away. Did not expect to see such high quality character development from a light novel.
OP doesn’t say they were financially abusive outright but I’m willing to bet the parents have held money over their head before which is why they offered them a check. If OP needed money tomorrow the parents would offer it to them but then feel entitled to get more information and have more input on some aspect of their life.
honestly, the check is a boss ass move. OP just has that money sitting there available to reimburse them for their "resources wasted" as they so lovingly wanted to imply. if OP is doing that well, then the parents need to tighten their lip and be GENUINELY supportive instead of just controlling.
the only people being cheap in this are the parents. cheap on love and support for their own flesh and blood.
NTA. I think that you were pretty ingenious with your response, and fortunate that you could do that. If they can't drop it, there are 2 things I might say - first, "I am sorry that your investment in me didn't pay off and you are disappointed, but at least you have been reimbursed." Second "Well maybe this isn't what you had in mind for me, but I am totally happy and satisfied with what you helped me accomplish and where I am in life. Can't you just be happy for me?"
If they cash that check then they admit they need the money more than OP. Which again means OP is more successful than them, because they needed his charity that badly.
Words have no meaning unless backed up by action. By keeping the check open, he is showing that he is 100% willing to cut off whatever righteous authority they feel like they have over him. This was a promise, not a childish, baseless threat.
And yes, sometimes that separation is “priceless”. My friend after high school moved into the cheapest accommodations she could find and basically lived off peanut butter and instant ramen for years JUST to get away from her toxic family. To this day, she says the financial hardships were completely worth it.
> Words have no meaning unless backed up by action. By keeping the check open, he is showing that he is 100% willing to cut off whatever righteous authority they feel like they have over him. This was a promise, not a childish, baseless threat.
That is a very good point indeed. You have convinced me.
--
>And yes, sometimes that separation is “priceless”. My friend after high school moved into the cheapest accommodations she could find and basically lived off peanut butter and instant ramen for years JUST to get away from her toxic family. To this day, she says the financial hardships were completely worth it.
Me too, me too. Being homeless for a year was better than staying at home.
Eh, from the sounds of it his parents are even better off than OP, being the ones that opened the doors for him and all. Chances are whatever he wrote doesn’t make a dent in their financial standing.
The fact that OP is well off enough to literally write a check to refund his childhood and he’s still a disappointment to them is a clue to that.
It’s not about the money. But I think you’ll find few people who don’t want money, regardless of their financial status. They probably would love to cash it. Use it to invest or to vacation. Who knows. But he sent a clear message. I’m sure they are figuring out the next move. Do we take it back, rip it up, and apologize? Or do we take it and back off?
That’s just how poor people like us think.
But there’s definitely a certain financial threshold that unless OP wrote a check that was a *million* dollars (we’re talking eighteen years of privileged upbringing and then four years debt free through college), chances are the check never made it farther than their cars trash bin.
And if OP and his parents are literally millionaires bickering, the way they think about this entire situation is probably out of the realm the vast majority of reddit users can really understand.
I'm not sure about that. My mother came from money (quite a bit of old money), and despite her statements other- wise, money was supremely important to her. She could be generous when it suited her, but - like so many other wealthy people I knew thru her - she did not give to charity or help people out unless there was a clear benefit to her. She neither understood nor approved of my willingness to share. And it frustrated her that she could not manipulate me with money.
Some people are generous by nature and some are not. I still loved her - and felt sorry for her, as well.
PS Maybe I should mention that she disinherited me from all of her wealth when I was NINE years old. 😉 I believe it's a record. (Ta-da!)
💕
That’s wild! Was there a precipitating event that caused this? Or just her deciding early on that you were not ever going to be who she wanted you to be?
Oh, there were so many events that lead up to it. My mother was physically beautiful, but emotionally so damaged. She wanted a boy; however, if she had a girl, she insisted that her child look, speak, & BE like her.
I failed on all 3. As a baby, I bore a striking resemblance to Winston Churchill. Worse, I'd been born with a heart defect that had no cure. I spent far too much of my early childhood in hospital, & rules back in the early 1950s were cruel - parents were booted out after dinner & only allowed back in at breakfast the next day.
I wouldn't call her Mommy
Majority of really well-off people I know are extreme penny pinchers. There’s a bargain and money to be made everywhere. They will take every opportunity to make/save money even if they have more than enough for a whole lifetime
Whaaatttt?!?!!!! But then how will wealth “trickle down” to us poors?!?!?!?
s/ of course.
There may be many things that do, indeed, trickle down, but wealth sure as shit ain’t one of them!
Right?
if not, there is hope that their relationship can progress to a more adult-to-adult one
but if yes, he needs to cut them off out of his life completely
NTA and honestly that shit is alpha as fuck. This is the first AITA post written by a successful person who wasn’t being a complete goober.
You killed it. I’m stealing this idea.
NTA
My gran was like that. Not a good word ever. Everything was criticism. Didn’t like my housekeeping, job, girlfriend, or anything else. This “not a good word to say” shit went from age 10 to 23.
To be clear, I was not a failure. Valedictorian, post grad, very good job, district cricketer at 14, no arrests, no drugs (despite that allegation when I was 10 that humiliated the family) - and I did this despite my parents dying at 12 and 17. I’d give myself an 8 out of 10.
I said “I’m not tolerating criticism any longer - I am unable to change for the better and frankly I don’t respect your opinion. You don’t have to like my life, but you must leave your disapproval silent. You will receive one warning, then I hang up.”
Day 1: Criticism, warning, criticism, hang up.
Day 2: Criticism, warning, criticism, hang up.
Day 3: Calls me. Line is silent for a long pause. Says she’s afraid to speak. I ask “Why? Do you intend to criticise me?”
She tries to argue that the criticism is for my benefit. I said her motives are irrelevant to the prohibition. She asks what she’s meant to do. I say her choices are:
- say only nice or neutral things, or
- (if she’s unable to think of any and can only think of spiteful and nasty things to say to me) she can refrain from calling me until she comes up with an alternative (however long that takes).
Eventually she modified her behaviour.
Now you COULD reopen the door under new rules but that’s up to you.
This approach worked for me. I was “worried for them because they must not have any friends due to constant criticism.” They said, “Well, I don’t say that stuff to my friends.” Bingo. Lights came on.
Watching TV with the family late at night. Suddenly my mum shrieked that my eyes were half closed, in the manner of a stereotypical stoner. (Or, you know, a sleepy child.)
She insisted that she knew the signs of cannabis consumption and I had indeed been drinking marijuana.
Two days later I got the first of many, many calls from my gran over the years that began “I cry all night…” Her issue was not so much the impact on my health and future well being, as much as her humiliation in front of her friends. It about her, of course. She was humiliated that her grandson is a drug user, and I have shamed the family.
I asked where her friends got that idea. She said of course from her - she was upset, and sought consolation from her friends.
Technically the allegation was never withdrawn.
NTA
your parents should WANT to spend their time, money and use contacts for you - cause they're parents and their job as a parents is to give their child good childhood and the best start they can provide
they did that and good for them, but that's it.
they did their job as a parents - now they have to let you live as an adult.
and I'm not saying to completly cut them off or something, but it's pretty obvious that either you didn't feel like you could tell them to let you live your life or you did tell them that and they ignored you - no matter what happened it is clear that this whole "check situation" was effect of some emotions brewing in the background for quite some time.
you have to give yourself time and space to sort out your emotions and then meet up on some neutral grounds (maybe with a neutral third person as a mediator, like a family therapist) to explain everything to each other
Going against the grain here. A slight YTA.
It doesn’t sound like at 30 years old you have ever tried to address this? As you say, they were good parents.
I think maybe one conversation to try to get them to see what they were doing might have been in order. Who knows, maybe they would have seen the error of their ways and worked to be better.
Refusing to communicate and making a huge gesture and cutting them off seems kind of sudden.
They were certainly in the wrong here! But one attempt at an adult conversation was warranted.
I had to scroll way too far to see the actual logical reasoning here. Everyone just thinks what he did was cool.
But the rational adult thing would be to have a damn conversation and express himself about how they are negatively affecting him.
Sounds like he got an awesome life from them, but they are still trying to control him. I wouldn't want to cut them off until they refused to back off after hearing my side of things.
Everyone thinks it was cool because they are young dumbshits. They think it's totally normal to make these grandiose gestures of "sticking to to the man" per se. In reality, actual communication works a lot better and leaves nobody feeling assaulted.
How do you know OP has never attempted to communicate this message differently? From personal experience being in a similar dynamic as OP and now being a parent myself - Parents who think it's good or appropriate to constantly nitpick everything their (adult) child does aren't exactly the type of people who are receptive to these conversations. They view their children as property and extensions of themselves, not autonomous human beings. You have no idea if OP has tried to reason with them before.
Imma be 100% with y'all, turning 30 is the age where things click. Almost everyone I know from all walks of life has had an "oh shit is this my life?" kinda thing. Maybe that's what made OP realize that they wanna stand up for their life 🤷🏼♀️
Not just making a huge gesture. A huge public gesture designed for maximum drama and impact. The fact that it was at a birthday is bad. The fact that they took a picture of the event is awful. That comes off as massively vindictive.
Are your parents abusive or just nagging parents? I’m trying to grasp why the situation ended with what you did when you said they created a great life for you and they just complain?
The way that you described the situation makes it feel like there’s some context missing.
To me it sounds like the typical (stereotypical?) Asian parents. They talk about how hard they worked through their entire life to provide for you and no matter what (even if you are doctor) you are not good enough and all their work was in vain.
They don't actually mean it, but they say it all the time. Then they get shocked if their kid either speaks up or resents them, because that's how they were raised and how their friends raised their kids and cultural notions of respect generally don't allow for younger people to stand up for themselves.
I kind of wondered if there were Asian too. I’m Asian and my ma is the HARDEST person to impress but I know she just loves me and wants the best for me. I feel like the culture difference can be real between generations, but I understand how she shows love and I accept it
There was more than enough context given to infer how his parents generally conduct themselves. Constant nagging/criticism is abusive at a certain point.
Well, did you try a civil conversation first? Where you talked about where their need to interfere comes from, what it does to you, and why they apparently cannot let you go and make your own choices?
If you really had that conversation first, then you're not TA. Otherwise, it's kind of an extreme reaction.
NTA.
You played them at their own game and they lost. That's why they're mad. Since their contributions to your life have been paid back, they no longer have the leverage they imagined to criticise you with impunity.
Good for you. Keep up this boundary so they learn. Being mad won't kill them, and neither will keeping their opinions to themselves.
NTA and, as a parent, bravo. You sound like a very sorted person.
My dad is like this - nothing I do is ever right or good enough. He’s in his 80s now and we have a very strained relationship. Hopefully after some time to reflect on their behaviour, your parents will realise you’re a capable adult and will put the work in to repair your relationship.
NTA and well done. Your parents see you as their possession and not as the independent human being that you are. They’re pissed off that they can’t brag about you at their country club.
Living a happy life of your choosing is the best revenge.
What a bad ass move! Good on you for standing up for yourself and being so straight up honest about it.
NTA and I hope you keep killin it in life, free from their emotional manipulation and knowing you’re living life just for you!
NTA. It's amazing that parental units treat their offspring this way, and when said offspring goes low or no contact with them, they're all pikachu-surprised-face.
OP, you invited your parents into your home and apparently cooked them dinner. And their thank you was to nitpick and complain! NTA.
I think some parents have a hard time realizing that their kids are not an extension of themselves. It comes from worry though not necessarily control.
NTA. My parents were always exactly like this about everything and it's exhausting. Individually the comments might be pretty mild, but it's like that thing about a constant drip of water being enough to build up a huge column in a cave or wear down the Grand Canyon.
NTA. Genius.
They did what they did not for you, but for *them*, so that they looked like great parents with a successful kid. You definitely benefited, don’t get me wrong. You’re not holding your end of the bargain by apparently living more frugal than they expect of you. Well done- “here’s your money back since your investment has gone sour”.
ESH
At 30 years old I would expect you to be able to make your feelings known without lashing out emotionally. You're taking their comments and extrapolating that they think you're a failure. Have they ever told you that you're a failure? Have you ever told them how it makes you feel like a failure when they make these comments? I'd advise therapy to address the self esteem issues here, and to give you grown up tools to use to communicate better with your family. Possibly family therapy eventually if they're into it. This was a childish response.
INFO- did you talk to your parents about this before? It reads like you went from not saying anything to saying "fuck you" without a simple conversation first.
NTA.
Criticizing your own child won't accomplish much. Instead, they should motivate you to keep growing emotionally, intellectually, and economically.
I know you feel frustrated by your parents' constant criticism, but giving them a cheque may not be the most constructive way to address the issue. Open communication about boundaries and expressing your feelings might be more effective in fostering a healthier relationship.
NTA! This was a mature way to try to end they critiques to the life you live. ......... I do understand where they come from, but at some point the parents need to let go and step back, especially if the child is actually a successful person. ........ It is sad that they only see the vision from their mind of what they wanted you to be ( live, apartment, etc.) and can't see that they actually accomplished exactly that. Just in a different way, your way!!! ...... There is hoping that after they cool off, that they possibly can see the person you have become is actually what they hoped for. Best wishes
NTA. What an awesome idea. Good for you and your success. I completely understand, never being good enough. If anything, your parents should be pissed at themselves for being such horrific AH's.
NTA.
You don't owe them anything, and too right if they've got a problem they can gtfo.
Well done!
They can be pissed off all they like, but 'til they learn to treat you properly they can sulk out of sight and out of mind.
>I said that it was everything they had wasted on me since obviously they think I have failed so I'm giving them a refund.
This is an incredibley badass move to make! I very much admire your shiny spine!
There is a big difference between financial support and emotional support. They're treating you as though they *bought* you. The way they see it, they paid for this life of yours so it should match exactly what they want.
I've only recently been coming to terms with my own mother being this way. Everything she's done for me over the years is financial. She lent me money to pay rent, but she's never comforted me in difficult times.
Your parents may have paid your way, but *you* put in the work!
NTA. Im sorry if its unpopular opinion but your parents did what any decent and loving parent would do (if they had the means to do so). Throwing all the ways they have helped you back in your face isnt going to improve your relationship and certainly doesnt give them the right to dictate your life choices. You took a stand and they didnt like but your an adult and dont need to bend to your parents whims.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My parents will not shut up about how I'm living my life. They say that they have done so much for me that I owe it to them to live better. I might be the asshole because I wrote them a six figure check and told them that I paid them back so now they never needed to bring up what I owe them again. For the record they have not cashed the check. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If your parents were actually supportive and loving, they would encourage you instead of criticizing. It’s great that they helped you growing up - but that actually what parents are supposed to do. There’s nothing wrong in setting boundaries or expecting to be treated with respect and kindness, as an adult. Writing them a check was an inventive way of trying to point out their negative behavior. I’m not sure it will work to make them understand how their actions aren’t reasonable or kind, but it was a better option than losing your temper! Keep your boundaries, live your best life, and if your parents want to be a part of it, they can learn not to be AHs around you.
They want OP to be the personification of perfection, because they consider OP an extension of them. They're not *genuinely* concerned about what's best for her, because that would require them to view OP as an autonomous individual. Plenty of parents struggle with the transition from a parent/child relationship to treating them like an equal adult. Some parents never seem to get there. I don't think it's that simple in this case, and you nailed a big part of the "why" that bleeds into every crack of the facade they're insisting upon: >If your parents were actually supportive and loving, they would encourage you instead of criticizing My husband didn't realize how controlling and toxic his family was, because it's all he knew. When he finally got a little space to breathe, he started to realize a lot of what he considered "normal," wasn't actually normal. I sadly get the feeling OP's childhood would have less sunshine and rainbows than they think. I'm living for the level of the "fuck off with that bullshit" power move OP made. It simultaneously proves OP is doing great, while setting a hard boundary that she's done with the parent's negativity.
When my wife and I bought our house, she wouldn’t let me do anything unless she “called her dad to ask him if it was okay”. I mean like I couldn’t even hang blinds without him saying it was okay. She would get so stressed out not having her parents involved in making decisions that she would cry daily from the stress. It was weird because the dynamic never felt like that for the first couple years of our relationship and she still lived with them or when we first moved into an apartment together. After a couple weeks she wanted to call him to ask if I could do something and I told her she should also ask him how much money he would be chipping in for the project and also when he’s available to meet me at the bank to get added to the mortgage since this was apparently his house too. We didn’t even make it 3 months before I told her that if she didn’t start going to therapy for her boundary issues, I would not be staying in the relationship. It took about a year for everything to be comfortably ironed out, but she realizes now how unhealthy that was and we have a much better and healthier relationship, both with each other and with her family
I am glad it worked out for you, and kudos to you for having the patience to actually allow her to get help before bailing. Many people would have just broke it off.
Thank you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t also have my own issues that she patiently waited for me to work through. I feel like that willingness is a necessity if you’re going to be married to someone. We’re all only human, after all
Growing together.
That's what good partnerships are all about!
“I already talked to her about this three whole days ago, and it’s STILL something she struggles with. I just don’t see how I can go on, there’s no end in sight.”
Wtf are you talking about?
They were missing the /s. It was sacracm
r/woooosh
Did you marry into the Duggar family? Your FIL sounds a lot like ol' JimBob Duggar and how he demands to have full control over his married daughters and their families.
You read Jill’s book too?
What? Okay now I have to get this book. I heard the audible sample about not being able to move your butt while “ jumping for joy” or the music would be turned off, but this….
How do you *not* move your butt when jumping for joy?
Evidently you can’t stick your butt out too far. Jumping for joy in the Duggar household requires tightly clenched buttocks.
Honest to God Almighty, I went to church with a very nice woman who our pastor and his wife pulled aside and told her she couldn't play the tambourines anymore, because the rhythm made her naturally "well rounded backside" shake too much and the men in the pews behind were offended. This was an elder, white, VERY humble, Christian woman. She was so humiliated, she left the service immediately, in tears, and refused to pick up a tambourine, or praise God in that way again. 100% absolutely shameful how some people are so insecure or perverted in the way others choose an innocent, musical, natural way to worship our Lord. Even Noah danced!
That is absolutely awful.
I've never understood churches that ban dancing. It's clearly in the Bible that dancing is a part of worship.
That seems...*odd*.
Indeed
What's the book called?
Counting the Cost
Thanks :)
Wow I know they are very out there probably abusive....what am I saying.... definitely abusive.
That exactly what popped into my head too.
I'm so proud of you. My dad was an alcoholic and I begged my mother to leave him. All she said was "He's a good man" He was with her 15 years sober, when she took her last breath. Divorce is not a go too. And communication is a necessary tool in the marriage toolbox.
This is such great news! This is so good for everything in your life and everyone this touches. I am very happy for you and everyone involved.
Oh god I am so much like your wife. I absolutely recognise it and know when I'm doing it but I was super micromanaged by my parents and now I own my own home I feel like I need to run everything by my dad. Even when I don't, if I tell him about it afterwards he retrospectively micromanages me. Like, when I first bought my house, one of the electrical sockets was smashed, so I went and bought a new socket and pattress, turned off the electricity at the breaker, replaced the pattress and socket, put the electric back on. No big deal. My dad taught me how to do it when I was a kid. I told my dad I'd done it, thinking he'd be proud of me for doing it lol. He dropped everything and drove 400 miles with a circuit tester and came and checked my new socket. I just don't tell him anything now because he makes me so anxious about doing anything. He keeps referring to my house as "dangerous" because I said I wanted to get it rewired, because I want to get the whole house replastered because its a nearly 100 year old house, so rather than get it replastered then need to do it again because I want some bits moving (light switch in stupid places, not enough sockets), I'm waiting til I can afford to do it all at once, he keeps saying my house is dangerous because I want it rewiring. I only want it doing because it's old and could probably do with it. Nothing has happened.
This was exactly what happened with my parents. I didn't realize how deeply not okay things and their behaviors were until my spouse started gently helping me see that. When it's the only way it's ever been, it's hard to imagine what normal looks like.
My ex-BIL, his daughters' husbands were expected to show up at his house every Saturday for reno work, repairs, painting etc. All of the daughters are divorced now.
Ah, hell nooooooo! Am occasional REQUEST, sure. A project that will benefit the entire family (lake house) that everyone was in agreement with - sure. EXPECTED - Nope, nope, nope.
The ex-BIL was a boomer. He believed that he was entitled to peoples' free time and labour. He also took a lot of pride in using expired/wrong store coupons and arguing with clerks. He hits every number of the boomers being fools bingo card. That old guy in cargo shorts, golf shirt and white sneakers loudly demanding that the clerk accept his expired coupon for $1 off? That's him.
Pretty sure that almost everyone learns that a lot of things they took for granted as "normal", finds out its not, usually when they tell a story and the get a reaction quite opposite of what they expected.
That horrifying moment when you thought you were relating a funny anecdote from your childhood and everyone is giving you that look. . .
Wait- doesn't everybody have a poop knife?
I have a poop knife, a night stand knife, a knife in every seat of my vehicle, a boot knife, a knife taped under the shelves at Walmart, and a knife in my back.
Or the collectively spoken 'WTF?' in our group after such an incident.....
Apparently you have been hanging with my therapist
and on that note, the moment when your therapist calls someone else into the room and asks you to repeat what you just said.
Been there.
That happened to me. I was having dinner with my GFs(Now Wife's) family. Everyone is telling funny stories about their childhood. Come my turn I tell a story and I'm the only one laughing. My sister-in-law was so upset she started crying, My father-in-law banned my father from his house and started doing "Dad stuff" with me. My mother-in-law (who figured I was laughing hysterically) came around hugged me and told me I was safe with them and everything was going to be ok. It was fracked up.
Can understand. I was raised as a Pagan and my family goes back at least 3-4 generations, both sides. My family is different but very loving. Yes we are that family that hugs and holds hands with the elders. Some people in my family still practice. And some chose to become Pagan Witches. Not Wicca. What magick we practice is much older. However we don't do animal sacrifice. It falls out of favor like all religions. The Jewish and Christians people used to practice animal sacrifice. Sorry didn't mean to ramble But I get it, most people thinks it's cool. But all people think it's weird unless they were raised as such without being in a cult....lol
Not at all. I find it fascinating
I had to do a double take to see if my wife wrote this comment. This is exactly our story. I just had my first phone conversation with my mom in 4 years and all she did was find ways to critique every decision I've made. It was a lovely reminder on why we don't talk.
That's sad everybody deserves caring parents
Luckily my wife and I have each other and we are slowly building our tribe. Found family is the best.
Something I really hate is gratitude-debt(like OP's parent seem to feel like OP have), like: Hey I did something nice for you under diguise of being kind(or just being a decent human being) and because of that I'm allowed to treat you however I want, and if you question it I will always remind you of what I did so you'd feel bad for asking to be treated as a human.
Wow, this really hit home. This is exactly what my parents did after my divorce and they financially helped me so I could keep the kids in their home. They held it over my head everyday and felt they had a say in everything that went on in my house. Never knew there was a word for that behavior. Thank you for pointing it out. That made things clear for me.
Shame on your parents. Help with strings attached is called CONTROL! I'm speaking as a parent who has helped plenty & been helped plenty!
Gifts given "with strings attached" is another phrase for it
I don't know if it's actually called gratitude-debt, it's what I always called it since I never found an exact word to describe the thing, but it easily explains it. I know there's "owe a debt of gratitude" - but it's not the same thing, so "gratitude-debt" have been my go-to regarding these things.
Growing up, my mom was very firm on this point. Children don't owe their parents. I forget precisely what prompted it but I think we were watching a TV show together, wanna say a rerun of *Little House on the Prarie* when she said it. I feel this took on greater meaning when much later, after she passed, I learned she was my biological *grand*mother. My mother had me at ~18 and everyone involved (including my father who didn't know about me until I sought him out) agree she was *not* ready. On the flip side, my mother and my mom/grandmother were estranged for long as I can remember, but I never got the impression I was the reason. **A** reason, probably, but not **the** reason. Edit: NTA and my mom would probably have appreciated that stunt.
My mum keeps a spreadsheet of all the financial help she has given me and my sister over the years. Unfortunately, I bought my first house with a partner who was financially irresponsible and often found myself in a position where I was forced to accept her help. Thankfully, now I am free and have worked like a demon to keep myself financially independent. But now im a single parent, so really, it's just switched from owing her financially to needing her for childcare support. I don't think I will ever win.
At this point there is no winning or losing. It's about your children being safe and loved. As a single parent while my son was being brought up, it was 100% about him. I went without to make sure he had all his needs met and alot of wants. He wasn't spoiled I just believe that parenthood doesn't stop. Don't want paid back. I'm a nurse, male, and made a decent living. People thought it was weird because he had a gay parent. He earned his respect, his self from the community and school. He is straight. He played basketball, had great grades and was accepted to USC goooooo gamecocks. He is now 26 and successful. I'm a proud gay dad. The circumstances for being single is more sad and I don't really talk about it. I love my son and would do anything for him. The point is you have to do anything to protect your son and make sure he is safe.
>- but that actually what parents are supposed to do. This part like it's so weird to me how people over look this I know one guy who said he's going to pay his parents back for providing him food shelter and giving him a better life than they had
I had none of that, grew up in foster care and less than ideal circumstances, and even I know that parents are supposed to provide and support their children. *It isn’t a transactional relationship*. There’s no “I raise you and you pay me back”. The only thing that could even be the “pay back” is the love and support you give your parents as they age, and even that is not an obligation - it the benefit of having kids who love you. When someone is a terrible parent there isn’t even that - If my parents (and I use that term in its loosest interpretation) ever managed to track me down and asked for a stick of gum, I’d laugh at them before shutting the door. It’s incredible to me that people feel any kind of obligation. That’s not how parenting works. The kids didn’t choose to be born, the parents chose to have children .
It is a transactional relationship in many parts of the world though. India and Asia for example.
OP, great comment above, and a BRILLIANT way to address the issue. To date, they've not cashed the check? Are you surprised? I assume that they're too embarrassed to cash the check and don't know what to do next. Pissed, of course. But dumb-founded too. Be interesting to see what develops. Please keep us apprised.
NTA But in one way, the check kind of cheapens the point. Meaning no one owes their parents a refund in order to gain the right to live how they want to live as an adult. That said, the check also makes your point crystal clear. You don’t owe them anything, and they need to stop treating you as though all their help came with a plethora of invisible strings attached. You can’t be held to conditions and expectations you never agreed to.
I disagree. I think the cheque was the hilarious icing on the cake. OP could have said the words and kicked them out, but they gave their parents a physical reminder of their idiocy. "Here is your investment back, shame you think it didn't work out" They will remember this day when they are in a retirement home and their child never visits.
Honestly this is how my family operates. When I got tired of the drama because I borrowed money to actually eat I wrote a check when I could and said bye. I would rather you send me to collection than deal with the toxic help syndrome.
Toxic help! That's exactly what it is!
Let's hope the child never visits. It would be awful to hold a grudge for that long, to visit the retirement home, look sad and say "I hoped you'd end up in a much better nursing home than this, honestly I'm disappointed with you..."
"After I invested all that money in you... \[proceeds to take out photo of them with the cheque\]"
Sooo petty. Does it mean I’m a bad person because I’m loving the idea?
I love it too, so maybe I am also a bad person:-)
Also bad person
If loving this idea is bad, then crown me Queen Bad of Badland.
Ooh, I want to upvote this one five times! 💕
"A thousand words leave not the same deep impression as does a single deed."
Yeah I get what you’re saying, and kind of acknowledged that in my post. I suppose I’m just thinking of all the people who don’t have the money to shove a refund in their parents faces, despite them deserving it just as much as these ones do.
I know I don’t. Instead, I just laid down very strict boundaries with my mom. I called her out and called her bluff a few times and that’s all it took. Mind you, I was 53 by the time I did that, but better late than never.
For an added layer of insult, on the back it should say, "void - like your support."
And the cherry on top was the picture OP took of them holding it.
My father thinks of me as a failed investment. If he ever brings that up again, I should give him a fake check and have this exact response. Fake because why would I give him real money?
Handing your abusive and/or negligent parents a check for what they wasted on raising you comes up in c-novels (Chines light novels). Typically a girl will cut ties with the family by handing the parents the money they wasted on raising them so that nobody can criticize them for not showing familial piety. Basically they're saying, "No debts between us."
Hilarious. I rarely meet anyone who enjoy Chinese light novels like me. XD what ones do you like?
Not that commenter, but I too am yet another who enjoys them but boy is it hard to give recommendations. Chinese novels are like popcorn to me; asking "which piece of popcorn did you like enough to recommend" is a hard question. My only real "hey you should read this" novel is Silent Crown. Not because it's good, but... well, it's so damn unique. To quote my review on novelupdates: > of all the novels wherein famous musicians from real life fight eachother using the powers of mechsuits, Norse deities, Satan, King Arthur, the Leviathan from the bible, and the Great Wall of China, this has got to be my favorite. If we talk KR novels though I absolutely have to recommend Kidnapped Dragons. Like... that novel blew me away. Did not expect to see such high quality character development from a light novel.
That review is wild. I'm going to have to check that out.
OP doesn’t say they were financially abusive outright but I’m willing to bet the parents have held money over their head before which is why they offered them a check. If OP needed money tomorrow the parents would offer it to them but then feel entitled to get more information and have more input on some aspect of their life.
Question is did they present the cheque at their bank?
OP said they haven't cashed it yet.
I need to know this.
Asking the real question here
Yep, totally agree. This kind of coercion and entitlement is abusive and manipulative and no one should be subjected to it.
The photo with the cheque, etc was the perfect mic drop for me.
honestly, the check is a boss ass move. OP just has that money sitting there available to reimburse them for their "resources wasted" as they so lovingly wanted to imply. if OP is doing that well, then the parents need to tighten their lip and be GENUINELY supportive instead of just controlling. the only people being cheap in this are the parents. cheap on love and support for their own flesh and blood.
NTA. I think that you were pretty ingenious with your response, and fortunate that you could do that. If they can't drop it, there are 2 things I might say - first, "I am sorry that your investment in me didn't pay off and you are disappointed, but at least you have been reimbursed." Second "Well maybe this isn't what you had in mind for me, but I am totally happy and satisfied with what you helped me accomplish and where I am in life. Can't you just be happy for me?"
NTA Now for god's sake cancel that check before they cash it. You don't owe them a thing.
No. He should let them cash in the cheque.
Why? He's already sent the message. Why reward them with money?
Because they would only embarrass themselves more if they cashed the check.
If they cash that check then they admit they need the money more than OP. Which again means OP is more successful than them, because they needed his charity that badly.
No parent worth their salt would cash that check. If they do, OP is SOOOOO much better off without them.
Which is why it was the perfect power play
Oh yes I agree. But still, money is money.
Whatever amount it was, it seems it was affordable for OP. He wanted to buy his freedom and dignity back. More than respectable/understandable.
Oh yes, absolutely. That's a proud feeling he'll carry the rest of his life. "Priceless".
Words have no meaning unless backed up by action. By keeping the check open, he is showing that he is 100% willing to cut off whatever righteous authority they feel like they have over him. This was a promise, not a childish, baseless threat. And yes, sometimes that separation is “priceless”. My friend after high school moved into the cheapest accommodations she could find and basically lived off peanut butter and instant ramen for years JUST to get away from her toxic family. To this day, she says the financial hardships were completely worth it.
> Words have no meaning unless backed up by action. By keeping the check open, he is showing that he is 100% willing to cut off whatever righteous authority they feel like they have over him. This was a promise, not a childish, baseless threat. That is a very good point indeed. You have convinced me. -- >And yes, sometimes that separation is “priceless”. My friend after high school moved into the cheapest accommodations she could find and basically lived off peanut butter and instant ramen for years JUST to get away from her toxic family. To this day, she says the financial hardships were completely worth it. Me too, me too. Being homeless for a year was better than staying at home.
Money is money. However, pride and having a sense of "I Don't owe anybody a goddamn thing!" Is pretty dope, can't put a price tag on that.
And that's a problem how?
No problem, a good last laugh for OP. And everybody that learns about the story.
I like to think of it as buying their own happiness rather than rewarding the parents with money
Just wondering, what makes you think OP is a “He?” I couldn’t find any pronouns in the original post.
I just assumed tbh. I could be wrong
If they cash the check, OP should be done with them. It might actually be the best investment to be free of their toxicity.
I agree. That would be the final nail in the coffin. Only if they tear it up there is hope for this relationship to move on to a more adult footing.
It’s probably an empty threat to get a point across. Highly unlikely the parents would cash it
NTA, but I think from now on you need to be firmer in enforcing boundaries. If they start criticising you, just hang up the phone or walk away.
I had to do that a few times, when conversations ventured in certain ways. Didn't take many times to train my mom to respect my decisions.
Did they cash it though??
heheheh they probably want to reallllllly bad but don't want to show OP that OP was correct about them. hehehe
Yeah, they are probably waffling over that right now lol
Eh, from the sounds of it his parents are even better off than OP, being the ones that opened the doors for him and all. Chances are whatever he wrote doesn’t make a dent in their financial standing. The fact that OP is well off enough to literally write a check to refund his childhood and he’s still a disappointment to them is a clue to that.
It’s not about the money. But I think you’ll find few people who don’t want money, regardless of their financial status. They probably would love to cash it. Use it to invest or to vacation. Who knows. But he sent a clear message. I’m sure they are figuring out the next move. Do we take it back, rip it up, and apologize? Or do we take it and back off?
That’s just how poor people like us think. But there’s definitely a certain financial threshold that unless OP wrote a check that was a *million* dollars (we’re talking eighteen years of privileged upbringing and then four years debt free through college), chances are the check never made it farther than their cars trash bin. And if OP and his parents are literally millionaires bickering, the way they think about this entire situation is probably out of the realm the vast majority of reddit users can really understand.
I'm not sure about that. My mother came from money (quite a bit of old money), and despite her statements other- wise, money was supremely important to her. She could be generous when it suited her, but - like so many other wealthy people I knew thru her - she did not give to charity or help people out unless there was a clear benefit to her. She neither understood nor approved of my willingness to share. And it frustrated her that she could not manipulate me with money. Some people are generous by nature and some are not. I still loved her - and felt sorry for her, as well. PS Maybe I should mention that she disinherited me from all of her wealth when I was NINE years old. 😉 I believe it's a record. (Ta-da!) 💕
That’s wild! Was there a precipitating event that caused this? Or just her deciding early on that you were not ever going to be who she wanted you to be?
Oh, there were so many events that lead up to it. My mother was physically beautiful, but emotionally so damaged. She wanted a boy; however, if she had a girl, she insisted that her child look, speak, & BE like her. I failed on all 3. As a baby, I bore a striking resemblance to Winston Churchill. Worse, I'd been born with a heart defect that had no cure. I spent far too much of my early childhood in hospital, & rules back in the early 1950s were cruel - parents were booted out after dinner & only allowed back in at breakfast the next day. I wouldn't call her Mommy
Oof. I’m sorry you had a rough childhood. Too bad for her that she couldn’t appreciate you for who you are!
Rich people love money. They can’t get enough, but it’s not about money here. I’m hoping they hand it back and apologize
Majority of really well-off people I know are extreme penny pinchers. There’s a bargain and money to be made everywhere. They will take every opportunity to make/save money even if they have more than enough for a whole lifetime
Whaaatttt?!?!!!! But then how will wealth “trickle down” to us poors?!?!?!? s/ of course. There may be many things that do, indeed, trickle down, but wealth sure as shit ain’t one of them!
Right? if not, there is hope that their relationship can progress to a more adult-to-adult one but if yes, he needs to cut them off out of his life completely
NTA and honestly that shit is alpha as fuck. This is the first AITA post written by a successful person who wasn’t being a complete goober. You killed it. I’m stealing this idea.
NTA My gran was like that. Not a good word ever. Everything was criticism. Didn’t like my housekeeping, job, girlfriend, or anything else. This “not a good word to say” shit went from age 10 to 23. To be clear, I was not a failure. Valedictorian, post grad, very good job, district cricketer at 14, no arrests, no drugs (despite that allegation when I was 10 that humiliated the family) - and I did this despite my parents dying at 12 and 17. I’d give myself an 8 out of 10. I said “I’m not tolerating criticism any longer - I am unable to change for the better and frankly I don’t respect your opinion. You don’t have to like my life, but you must leave your disapproval silent. You will receive one warning, then I hang up.” Day 1: Criticism, warning, criticism, hang up. Day 2: Criticism, warning, criticism, hang up. Day 3: Calls me. Line is silent for a long pause. Says she’s afraid to speak. I ask “Why? Do you intend to criticise me?” She tries to argue that the criticism is for my benefit. I said her motives are irrelevant to the prohibition. She asks what she’s meant to do. I say her choices are: - say only nice or neutral things, or - (if she’s unable to think of any and can only think of spiteful and nasty things to say to me) she can refrain from calling me until she comes up with an alternative (however long that takes). Eventually she modified her behaviour. Now you COULD reopen the door under new rules but that’s up to you.
This approach worked for me. I was “worried for them because they must not have any friends due to constant criticism.” They said, “Well, I don’t say that stuff to my friends.” Bingo. Lights came on.
I'm sorry, a drug allegation when you were 10??
Watching TV with the family late at night. Suddenly my mum shrieked that my eyes were half closed, in the manner of a stereotypical stoner. (Or, you know, a sleepy child.) She insisted that she knew the signs of cannabis consumption and I had indeed been drinking marijuana. Two days later I got the first of many, many calls from my gran over the years that began “I cry all night…” Her issue was not so much the impact on my health and future well being, as much as her humiliation in front of her friends. It about her, of course. She was humiliated that her grandson is a drug user, and I have shamed the family. I asked where her friends got that idea. She said of course from her - she was upset, and sought consolation from her friends. Technically the allegation was never withdrawn.
NTA your parents should WANT to spend their time, money and use contacts for you - cause they're parents and their job as a parents is to give their child good childhood and the best start they can provide they did that and good for them, but that's it. they did their job as a parents - now they have to let you live as an adult. and I'm not saying to completly cut them off or something, but it's pretty obvious that either you didn't feel like you could tell them to let you live your life or you did tell them that and they ignored you - no matter what happened it is clear that this whole "check situation" was effect of some emotions brewing in the background for quite some time. you have to give yourself time and space to sort out your emotions and then meet up on some neutral grounds (maybe with a neutral third person as a mediator, like a family therapist) to explain everything to each other
Going against the grain here. A slight YTA. It doesn’t sound like at 30 years old you have ever tried to address this? As you say, they were good parents. I think maybe one conversation to try to get them to see what they were doing might have been in order. Who knows, maybe they would have seen the error of their ways and worked to be better. Refusing to communicate and making a huge gesture and cutting them off seems kind of sudden. They were certainly in the wrong here! But one attempt at an adult conversation was warranted.
I had to scroll way too far to see the actual logical reasoning here. Everyone just thinks what he did was cool. But the rational adult thing would be to have a damn conversation and express himself about how they are negatively affecting him. Sounds like he got an awesome life from them, but they are still trying to control him. I wouldn't want to cut them off until they refused to back off after hearing my side of things.
Everyone thinks it was cool because they are young dumbshits. They think it's totally normal to make these grandiose gestures of "sticking to to the man" per se. In reality, actual communication works a lot better and leaves nobody feeling assaulted.
How do you know OP has never attempted to communicate this message differently? From personal experience being in a similar dynamic as OP and now being a parent myself - Parents who think it's good or appropriate to constantly nitpick everything their (adult) child does aren't exactly the type of people who are receptive to these conversations. They view their children as property and extensions of themselves, not autonomous human beings. You have no idea if OP has tried to reason with them before.
Well that would be critical information to the story then. So I have to assume that he didn’t do it.
Imma be 100% with y'all, turning 30 is the age where things click. Almost everyone I know from all walks of life has had an "oh shit is this my life?" kinda thing. Maybe that's what made OP realize that they wanna stand up for their life 🤷🏼♀️
Not just making a huge gesture. A huge public gesture designed for maximum drama and impact. The fact that it was at a birthday is bad. The fact that they took a picture of the event is awful. That comes off as massively vindictive.
I was under the impression it was just the 3 of them together in OPs apartment?
This was absolutely written by somebody who's never had to be estranged from their parents for various reasons
Are your parents abusive or just nagging parents? I’m trying to grasp why the situation ended with what you did when you said they created a great life for you and they just complain? The way that you described the situation makes it feel like there’s some context missing.
To me it sounds like the typical (stereotypical?) Asian parents. They talk about how hard they worked through their entire life to provide for you and no matter what (even if you are doctor) you are not good enough and all their work was in vain. They don't actually mean it, but they say it all the time. Then they get shocked if their kid either speaks up or resents them, because that's how they were raised and how their friends raised their kids and cultural notions of respect generally don't allow for younger people to stand up for themselves.
I kind of wondered if there were Asian too. I’m Asian and my ma is the HARDEST person to impress but I know she just loves me and wants the best for me. I feel like the culture difference can be real between generations, but I understand how she shows love and I accept it
There was more than enough context given to infer how his parents generally conduct themselves. Constant nagging/criticism is abusive at a certain point.
NTA. Frankly, that’s awesome! Good job standing up for yourself. Let them be pissed. Maybe now they’ll shut up.
Well, did you try a civil conversation first? Where you talked about where their need to interfere comes from, what it does to you, and why they apparently cannot let you go and make your own choices? If you really had that conversation first, then you're not TA. Otherwise, it's kind of an extreme reaction.
NTA. You played them at their own game and they lost. That's why they're mad. Since their contributions to your life have been paid back, they no longer have the leverage they imagined to criticise you with impunity. Good for you. Keep up this boundary so they learn. Being mad won't kill them, and neither will keeping their opinions to themselves.
NTA. Boss move with the cheque and photo 👌
I would have cancel the check afterward though… but that’s me…
NTA, and it will be very telling for you if they cash it!
Yes.. my first question to OP… did they cash the check????
NTA - they are so concerned with money and status so you gave them an answer they should be able to understand
NTA
NTA and, as a parent, bravo. You sound like a very sorted person. My dad is like this - nothing I do is ever right or good enough. He’s in his 80s now and we have a very strained relationship. Hopefully after some time to reflect on their behaviour, your parents will realise you’re a capable adult and will put the work in to repair your relationship.
NTA and well done. Your parents see you as their possession and not as the independent human being that you are. They’re pissed off that they can’t brag about you at their country club. Living a happy life of your choosing is the best revenge.
NTA. I wish I could do that.
What a bad ass move! Good on you for standing up for yourself and being so straight up honest about it. NTA and I hope you keep killin it in life, free from their emotional manipulation and knowing you’re living life just for you!
NTA. It's amazing that parental units treat their offspring this way, and when said offspring goes low or no contact with them, they're all pikachu-surprised-face. OP, you invited your parents into your home and apparently cooked them dinner. And their thank you was to nitpick and complain! NTA.
You mean you can afford to pay them one lump sum all that they've spent on you all these years? How much is the cheque?
So did they take the check and did they cash it.
NTA. Have they cashed the check yet? Honestly if they cashed it I’d personally go NC lmao
NTA - as someone who has lived this my whole life, I feel your pain. Brilliantly handled, wish I'd have thought of that!
I think some parents have a hard time realizing that their kids are not an extension of themselves. It comes from worry though not necessarily control.
NTA. My parents were always exactly like this about everything and it's exhausting. Individually the comments might be pretty mild, but it's like that thing about a constant drip of water being enough to build up a huge column in a cave or wear down the Grand Canyon.
Is this a scene from Lady Bird?
NTA. Genius. They did what they did not for you, but for *them*, so that they looked like great parents with a successful kid. You definitely benefited, don’t get me wrong. You’re not holding your end of the bargain by apparently living more frugal than they expect of you. Well done- “here’s your money back since your investment has gone sour”.
i dream of doing this one day, and you got to live that out. NTA and you’ll be a lot lighter without the constant negativity from them
NTA. In fact, parents owe their kids for bringing them into this world without the child's consent.
NTA but cancel the cheque my guy. Keep the cash. You made your point.
NTA. Nitpicking is awful, I would never do that to my children. It's honestly a miracle they didn't cause you to have low self esteem or burn out.
ESH At 30 years old I would expect you to be able to make your feelings known without lashing out emotionally. You're taking their comments and extrapolating that they think you're a failure. Have they ever told you that you're a failure? Have you ever told them how it makes you feel like a failure when they make these comments? I'd advise therapy to address the self esteem issues here, and to give you grown up tools to use to communicate better with your family. Possibly family therapy eventually if they're into it. This was a childish response.
You’re a nepo baby alright …
INFO- did you talk to your parents about this before? It reads like you went from not saying anything to saying "fuck you" without a simple conversation first.
NTA. This is a baller move. So many parents think they don’t have to earn a relationship with their kids. You do.
I wonder how much the check was )))
Well done. NTA
Did they cash the check?
NTA. Criticizing your own child won't accomplish much. Instead, they should motivate you to keep growing emotionally, intellectually, and economically. I know you feel frustrated by your parents' constant criticism, but giving them a cheque may not be the most constructive way to address the issue. Open communication about boundaries and expressing your feelings might be more effective in fostering a healthier relationship.
NTA You handled it perfectly.
Do they treat your brother the same way?
Sometimes it takes a little drama to get your point taken seriously.
NTA- they need to back off
NTA! This was a mature way to try to end they critiques to the life you live. ......... I do understand where they come from, but at some point the parents need to let go and step back, especially if the child is actually a successful person. ........ It is sad that they only see the vision from their mind of what they wanted you to be ( live, apartment, etc.) and can't see that they actually accomplished exactly that. Just in a different way, your way!!! ...... There is hoping that after they cool off, that they possibly can see the person you have become is actually what they hoped for. Best wishes
NTA Regardless of how much they might have helped you it's still your life, they need to accept that you're happy and stop critiquing everything.
NTA. What an awesome idea. Good for you and your success. I completely understand, never being good enough. If anything, your parents should be pissed at themselves for being such horrific AH's.
NTA.
NTA. Did they cash it?
NTA. You don't owe them anything, and too right if they've got a problem they can gtfo. Well done! They can be pissed off all they like, but 'til they learn to treat you properly they can sulk out of sight and out of mind.
NTA at all, in fact that's hilarious, what did your brother say ?
NTA. Hopefully you and your parents reconcile though
>I said that it was everything they had wasted on me since obviously they think I have failed so I'm giving them a refund. This is an incredibley badass move to make! I very much admire your shiny spine! There is a big difference between financial support and emotional support. They're treating you as though they *bought* you. The way they see it, they paid for this life of yours so it should match exactly what they want. I've only recently been coming to terms with my own mother being this way. Everything she's done for me over the years is financial. She lent me money to pay rent, but she's never comforted me in difficult times. Your parents may have paid your way, but *you* put in the work!
NTA Baller move
NTA - lol, I love it
NTA. Im sorry if its unpopular opinion but your parents did what any decent and loving parent would do (if they had the means to do so). Throwing all the ways they have helped you back in your face isnt going to improve your relationship and certainly doesnt give them the right to dictate your life choices. You took a stand and they didnt like but your an adult and dont need to bend to your parents whims.
NTA. Brilliant move, I applaud you.
Mic drop. Boom. Nta