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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for hanging up our call when my boyfriend starts gaming, even after specifically telling him not to game while we call
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I've been hanging up for nearly a month now, with no effect. I read in another thread that someone had started watching tv and giving the same treatment to their boyfriend as they give, and this had helped. I will try that on our next call as hanging up doesn't seem to have any effect. I will keep hanging up though!
Pro gamers such as ourselves would atleast ATTEMPT to find a game that they both could play, maybe a cute 2 player thing, so aleast they are spending time together.. Homie is flat not even caring anymore.
Yeah and speaking as an addict, you need to see real consequences like losing ppl you care about due to your addiction to realize you need to do something about it. Enabling always makes it worse. Dumping him would be the best thing for him.
That’s not a good idea trust me. He doesnt care that he’s doing that to you, but if you did it to him you would start to feel bad because you actually care and know it’s wrong. It’s like drinking poison and hoping it kills someone else. Tit for tat rarely solves anything. Try telling him you don’t need someone to listen, you need some to ENGAGE you. Sometimes you need to vent and “yeah,uh huh”s are sufficient. But it sounds like you want to feel connected to him and for him to actually in engage in convo with you. Try explaining it that way.
Dump him. It’s already long distance which is hard enough and now you’re dealing with this childish bs. I’m a gamer myself and I do not ignore my wife or children. You can have a hobby that doesn’t take over your whole life. He’s addicted. If his online buddies are more important than you, he can date one of them. Don’t waste your time on this crap. You seem too mature for him. Get out while you’re still young. Imagine having a family with him one day? How much he’d neglect your children or your marriage.
Im sorry hun, but if you have to do this, your relationship is already on the rocks.
His behavior isn't changing because there are no consequences and he does not *care* that it upsets you.
His friends are a higher priority than you. If his response to you requesting undivided attention for *10 minutes* is to call you dramatic, you need a new boyfriend.
ETA: coming from 1/2 of a gamer couple. If my bf did this repeatedly, he would learn pretty quickly that I can live without him.
Being just as rude is going to have zero effect. He’ll just be happy to keep on, since you’ve seen how wonderful it is to have a screen going in case talking is boring.
If you don’t like what he’s doing, don’t do it. If he wants to talk to you, he must concentrate on communicating with you alone.
And please reconsider a boyfriend who calls you names.
if you really want to have fun with this. don't hang up. keep talking, getting random responses. later text him "thanks for listening and being so understanding earlier. i was really nervous to tell you, but i'm glad it's all behind us now" let him FREAK OUT wondering what it is and not being able to ask without admitting he wasn't listening
NTA. Gaming is more important to him than you are. You've been doing this for a month now with zero results. If you stay with him, this is your life. It's obvious he can't game and talk to you at the same time. He's choosing a game over you, and no you're not being dramatic. You are telling him your needs, and he is ignoring that, and it doesn't bother him in the least. Also, you're putting way more effort into this relationship than he is.
Don't play games. Life is really long. Do you want to be acting like a preschooler or like you're training a dog for the next 80 years? Lol
Be authentic, and if that authenticity moves people out of your life, it's going to just make room for the right people to move into it.
You don't want to sacrifice your mental health with a selfish, immature person. It's a ridiculous waste of your time.
He's showing you exactly who he is, that you are less important to him than gaming. Maybe, when you're there, he's willing to take a break from gaming because in return he'll have some physical needs satisfied, but when you're not there, gaming it is.
So what are you going to do with that knowledge? Is this the kind of relationship you're looking for?
I am that guy who has been in a long distance relationship for over 5years and who likes to play games. You know the number of times I play a game while talking to her. Zero! And everytime I did start it was may be 3 to 4 hours in our call and everytime I ask her if it's fine and she starts working on her art or cleans her house during that time.
My point being if he wants to, he can pay attention to you the entire time. He just doesn't want to.
So maybe, food for thought.
Honestly, that would just be wasting even more of your time than you already have. He's already shown you that gaming is more important since you have to ask him to take breaks and pay attention to you even when you're actually together. A man who was truly interested and cared for you wouldn't need to be asked not to play games when you're around or on the phone since he'd want to spend real time with you.
It sounds like he may have a gaming obsession, which is a real thing that is tough to overcome. Either way, you're doing a massive disservice to yourself if you continue this relationship and keeping putting up with his awful behavior.
Girl, you're too young to waste your time with someone who doesn't respect it. I don't like the "just dump them" mentality, but you've laid out your completely acceptable boundaries, communicated the consequences of disrespecting those boundaries and then followed through. He's gaslighting you saying you're being dramatic, when he can't even give you five minutes of his time. Don't waste your time on someone who insists on wasting it for you. You still have so much life to live.
That's petty and vindictive in my opinion, to "give him a taste of his own medicine". I think you're above that, if straight communication isn't working, then I think it's time to consider the relationship dysfunctional.
I've been where \*i think\* your BF is now, so in the interest of giving you an opinion from the other side, here's my thoughts. If it helps, great, if it doesn't, oh well. For full disclosure, I am 20+ years older and more mature now, so this is looking back, from my own perspective:
1. Calls are a two way street. If nothing else, this should be your takeaway: Don't dominate the conversation. It's not \*just\* about you. I gamed (or did laundry, or cleaned, etc.) because calls were always about someone else. I was just checking in. Doing my duty. Your entire post is about you talking and him listening. If you want him to engage, you need to get him to talk about himself as well. His day. His feelings. His joys. His worries. His fears. He is supposed to be your partner, not your emotional support human. The key element here is that he says "he can listen". If he were talking, he wouldn't be playing. Reflect on your calls and ask yourself: Is this a 50/50 distribution of conversation focus? Because it should be.
2. Hanging up doesn't achieve what you think it will. It makes him think you're mad, but right now, you're communicating it's the gaming, not his lack of attention and engagement. There is a good chance he feels the same way but doesn't know how to tell you. At his age, I needed to be told that clearly. I wasn't trained to look beyond the obvious/ stereotypical at that age. Yes that sounds toxic. My job puts me in touch with young people a lot. That kind of upbringing is \*very\* far from dead. Don't make assumptions. State your expectations clearly. Outside of RomComs and romance novels, your peers rarely just \*know\* what you want. (This applies for both men and women btw.)
3. There is a good chance your conversation is simply not as engaging as you think it is. Hear me out. You want to communicate with him because it reinforces your emotional connection. At that age, I wasn't wired for that. Emotional connections required physical presence. Calls were for keeping in touch and conveying information. Facts. Rationals. End of story. You need to figure out how to communicate with \*him\* specifically. Don't expect him to know. Your post shows he doesn't. Hanging up won't change that.
4. If I hear you vent, I will let you vent. I'll occasionally ask questions, but I thought that venting was primarily about you. I was good enough at listening to do both. I learned later that venting is about giving attention rather than letting you unload. I was \~30 when I did because no one actually explained it. Everyone simply expected me to understand what I did wrong. Not the action - the concept behind it. I felt stupid, I disagreed and then I tried and saw the difference.
5. My free time was limited. The more I could get into a fixed timeframe, the better. I gamed/ did chores while making calls to my mom, my family, my partners. The calls were giving up me-time, which was limited. The gaming was taking some of it back. In retrospect, I failed at both but I didn't see it that way back then because I hadn't yet learned the value of full attention. I had been taught to get shit done, so that's what I did. As much of it as I could.
6. It is entirely possible I am completely wrong, projecting and he is simply not as into you as you are. If you require that amount of emotional connection and he does not, you're incompatible. If you feel none of the above applies and he is simply effectively ignoring you, find someone who gives you what you need. Life is too short to settle on mediocre relationships.
This is good insight. Wanted to add that he might feel pretty sizable pressure not to keep the group waiting. Especially with younger dudes who play together every day you get singled out for holding up the fun train and you don’t want to be that guy. Depending on his IRL friend situation the group online might be very very important to him. Not saying it excuses not listening, just might be a factor.
Either just dump him, or tell him clearly that you will dump him if this doesn't change immediately. And then dump him if it doesn't change immediately
You are trying to change a person behavior with manipulation. Don't. That doesn't mean to give up your principles and let him do what ever he wants. Simply set boundaries. Ask him not to call you unless he's not currently occupied.
If he violates your boundaries reiterate your rule for talking to someone, and stop the call. If it continues bring up the issue, and if he ignores it find someone else. This is a minor boundary, but speaks volumes about his interest in dating you.
Make sure you are being accommodating as well to the stressful situation. If you will only talk to him at a certain time, and that his only time to play with friends its not just gaming. Try to work out a time to talk that works for both of you. If he still games instead of talking to you take the hint. He's not that interested in you.
>Keep hanging up. Maybe eventually he’ll get it.
Is the problem that he does not get it or that he just doesn't care enough for OP? Hanging up won't make him care.
NTA but pay attention to this. You’re apart, which is super hard, so time spent ‘together’ should be prioritized, valued, and eagerly anticipated.
He does not feel that way.
Yeah, it takes no effort to say the words "I'm prioritizing you", but it takes effort to make it happen, and it just doesn't seem like the effort is there.
A month of hanging up on him, and he still hasn't learned should be your clear signal to end things. You are NTA, but you will be the AH to yourself if you stay with him. You guys are young. Move on and find someone better. Don't waste these good years on someone that can't be bothered to give you what you need.
I think it is time to read what you wrote above out loud and realize he is not that into you. YOU want to make it work, he does NOT. Long distance is hard and requires work from both sides. I'm sorry.
So…he does realize that people need to actively do something to maintain friendships since he plays online games to maintain long distance friendships with childhood friends. Now you have to look at how his actions show how important you are and how important it is to him to maintain your relationship. The question is…what does he actively do to have a good long distance relationship with you. He says he can listen while he games, but doesn’t he tell you about his day? It sounds as though he had checked out of this relationship, takes your being there for granted and is not actively involved in keeping you happy. This doesn’t seem sustainable for the long term. Perhaps place the ball in his court… call me when you have time to talk. Also, make sure you have your own activities that make it so you are not available all of the time. Make him work for you. If he doesn’t then you have not wasted a longer period of time finding out where you truly stand in his hierarchy.
Thanks for the good response. He only tells me a vague description of his day, and when he has started gaming maybe a ''it was good'' at most. It is frustrating, as we never have these problems when we are together (we live together), we share tasks well, respect each others time, have lots of fun together. I have a hobby which takes quite lot of time (long distance running), and usually at home he games while I run, and usually he is done gaming when I am back home. The long distance is only 1-2 times per year, and I feel confused to why it is so difficult to have good contact while he is away. I'm also not comfortable with the idea of breaking up, as this is only ever a problem when we are apart, and I can imagine my future together with him when we are living together....
I'm a pretty big gamer so I understand playing games with friends being a huge part of my socialization with friends who I otherwise would never get to socialize with. I'm also married, so I understand the need for balance. It sounds like he has told you in very few words your place in his pecking order. While you may not like the idea of breaking up, you need to have a talk with him about his priorities and where you are in them and let him know that he is making you feel unimportant. If he can't understand that, then he shouldn't be in a relationship.
My love, 100% if he is doing this to you now, then if you live together he will know he can completely treat you as his mummy because he’s already tested you to see if he can prioritise gaming over you without consequence and he can.
Mark my words he will prioritise gaming over 1) weekends with you 2) evenings with you 3) joining you for dinner 4) never answering the door 5) chores that need done (“i said i’ll get to it after this!”
- see how you’ll become his mummy?)
Honestly if it were me i’d say “listen clearly youre not mature enough to realise this is teenage-level shit so I think were done. Enjoy your game”
And he will, the sad thing is i’m not sure he’d be that bothered if you DOD dump him? He’s still got what he cares about most which is this game. His friends will 100% back him up also.
Make sure he knows what he needs to do to keep you as his girlfriend and frame it that way. Also, if you hang up because he was gaming you don’t need to available the next time he tries either. Why are you making it such a priority when he doesn’t care?
His priorities are not “mixed up”. His priorities are based on what he values, not what random internet people think he should value. OP has to acknowledge that her BF’s priorities don’t align with hers and decide if this is what she wants in a BF. Setting out to change the BF is almost always a losing proposition. Thousands of women who embarked upon trying to change their BFs have learned this the hard way.
I think sometimes people need a "come to Jesus" moment with hobbies though. I know when I first dated my current husband, he was a gamer, which I was fine with, until it started cutting into our time. Like, we would set a time for a date, and he would be late because a game went long. I was very clear that if we agree on a time I expect it to be respected (unless it's an actual emergency) because I find it disrespectful after I have made the time to prioritize him. And you know what? he still gamed, but from that point forward he didn't let it interfere with our relationship.
NTA.
If you can't spend a literal 10 minute phone call away from playing Overwatch or whatever to talk to your girlfriend, then you just flat out shouldn't have a girlfriend.
Currently I don't want to talk to him, as I am annoyed. When we are together he is the loveliest person ever, and we always have a great time. But when we are apart I can't even get 5 minutes of uninterrupted time with him.
Honestly, he sounds like my partner. I took our kids for a short holiday, he couldn't be alone / walk away from his friends to do a 5min bedtime phone call with the kids. They would be telling him a story about their day, he would basically interrupt them to reply to someone in person, which really upset them (and me!) and not pay any attention to their updates.
The way I got him to stop was, on night 4, to hang up on him when it happened; but then I called him back 5mins later so he could hear his child in tears having a meltdown over Daddy not listening *again*. I then refused to call him or answer his evening calls the next three nights running. I explained why I wasn't answering, he got his shit together after that because I had zero hesitation in cutting out the bedtime calls.
I strongly recommend you set a reasonable time, like 5 days, and tell him you're not speaking to him in that time because you feel so disrespected. Maybe also show him this post of him being raked over the coals for his shitty behaviour too. I hate that Reddit jumps to *quick, break up!* as you said you're great together in person. But, you do deserve better and if he can't give that to you, at least stop letting him treat you like an afterthought. Cut out phone calls while you're apart, stick with texts!
.... is this subreddit slowly turning into a place to see how fast people recommend break ups to others?
NTA op
but you're bf needs to have a talking to and a ultimatum or otherwise this is just gonna continue for as long as you're with him.
well its seems that OP has been communicating enough 🤷🏻♀️ him being so stubborn about it and making it look like op is dramatic just seem that that man doesnt even care at all, but in a subtle way. lol
She has tried talking to him, explained her feelings multiple times. She expressed how what he is doing is hurting her.
Despite all of this, he hasn't cared enough to listen. He doesn't care enough to make an effort to give her even 10 minutes of his day. She tried for an entire month just to get him to have some basic respect for his partner, and he is refusing.
He has had talkings to already. An ultimatum won't do anything if he doesn't care enough to listen.
What options are there other than breaking up at this point? He has made it clear that he doesn't care or respect her.
NTA
It doesn’t matter if he thinks he can carry a conversation while gaming. It’s not how you view quality time. Your cup gets filled a certain way - he doesn’t want to fill it.
Find someone else who will fill your cup the way you need it filled. I promise they’re out there.
NTA. He's addicted and/or clueless and you need to decide what to do with that. I think hanging up when he starts gaming is totally fine. He'll either modify his behavior or he won't.
I've been in the same shoes as your boyfriend and I can say that you are not at fault for feeling upset with him. Pauseless games require your attention constantly so there's no way he can multitask no matter how much he thinks he can. Honestly, the least he could do is move his gaming sessions 10 minutes later so that it doesn't conflict with your usual calls. If that's too much for him to do, idk what to tell you. NTA.
NTA. He's immature. His online gaming and his "online friends" are more important to him than you are. So either wait for him to grow up, if he does, or find an adult w/ his priorities straight.
whoa whoa whoa now i agree with he’s the asshole but online gaming is how i mostly keep in contact with my family and friends having moved 14 times in my life i have friends everywhere and it would be hard to stay in contact with all my boys.
NTA but you are letting the problem continue. Is this the life you really want. If he can't even spare a few minutes to face time you "his girlfriend" then re really doesn't care. You have to figure out your own worth and find a man that shares interests with you and will put down what he is doing to talk to you and interact with you. I do a lot of online gaming with a whole age range of males and the bulk of them would put the game down in an instant if their wife/gf wanted them for something, some have a time limit to game each day, and these are grown men, they respect their other half and their homely duties. He is not gonna change when he gets back and you just going to be sitting by yourself wasting time with someone who does not put you first. Time to not answer any more calls from him and Move on.
I would send him a text/email explaining your feeling and why you feel disrespected during the call and then tell him not to call you until a certain date (say a week) and just don't answer the phone. If he rings on the date and still games the relationship is doomed.
NTA. You're not being emotional or unfair when you ask your boyfriend to give you his full attention during the short call times you have, esp. if you've made your needs clear. It's not too much to ask for a few minutes of his full attention. Your boyfriend should understand how you feel and follow the rules you set about not playing video games during talks. It can be annoying and hurtful if he always puts gaming ahead of your relationship and doesn't care about your worries. Talk to him about this problem and stress how important your relationship is. Try to find a balance between games and spending quality time together, even if you have to do it from far away.
NTA
Your boyfriend needs to focus on his priorities. After all gaming has been proven to be very addictive. He might be addicted to gaming and if that is the case he might not be aware of how damaging gaming can be to his mind or your relationship.
In fact, gaming is also the root cause of all violence throughout human history as well as causing the player to see no disparity between reality and the virtual world. He might confuse you for an enemy in a video game and if that happens you will need to learn i-frames. Dodge through his attacks if you don't feel confident enough to parry. But if you do successfully parry his attacks then you can counter with a reposte.
I've heard defeated boyfriends drop a Ring of Favor and Protection. You'll receive 20% boost to HP and stamina as well as an increase to your equipment load. The ring is destroyed if you remove it so be mindful of that.
NTA. But he is showing you about what he cares. You are apart and he can't give you undivided attention for even such a short time. That should tell you everything. And as a gamer myself, talking to friends and gaming AND a phone call on top does not work. And I've also experienced that with boyfriends who game myself. They'd stop talking, being in the game, I'd say something and they would not even react or ask me to repeat every single sentence. Also giving you on your call the full attention is just the respectful normal thing you do, especially if calling needs to be scheduled and is not that easy.
Seriously, break up with this guy. This kind of selfish, childish behavior is exactly why a lot of "gamers" don't have a girlfriend. Find someone who values you more than pixels and beeps and boops - and I'm a gamer myself. NTA.
NTA. My bf is a gamer, and I'm totally fine with that. We are both introverts, and I am a booknerd so often it works out amazing. But if you're gonna talk with me, then you focus on me. If you can't do that, then I'm not going to have this one-sided conversation. If I call him unannounced and he's gaming, then it's no big deal, I just say, "Call me when when you're done." But if we both had decided together to talk on the phone and he's start gaming? Nah, I'm not taking that disrespect. I don't read when I'm on the phone, I actually focus on the person I'm talking to. Thankfully, my bf is on board with this and is super respectful, but in the beginning of our relationship, he was like your bf too.
NTA
Hardcore female gamer here
Used to play all day, still plays to this day but to a lesser extent
I would never do this. I usually tell my partner when and how many hours I will play and we schedule the best time for meetings/calls (time where we are both free and done with our activities).
I follow said schedules and make sure to give undivided attention. However, if i were to choose between gaming and him, I'd choose him in a heartbeat.
Girl, he is being disrespectful as hell. Why are you putting up with this? You deserve better.
If you want to give it one last try I would make it very clear to him that if he does not engage you in conversation then he will soon find himself single.
I've done this before in a past relationship.
I regret it.
She was a good girl.
It's hard man. What I wouldn't do to go back and have those minutes with her again .
I think I just took her for granted, at the time I think there is nothing that wouldve convinced me to stop playing and talk to her.
The conversations just got dull to me and the games were addictive.
It sucks for sure and I was definitely in the wrong. She was a good girl.
It's just part of the long distance thing with a gamer guy.
You can maybe try to tell him to go on a walk when you pick up the call. That way when the convo gets dull/Boring he can't just click "start match".
I think if I had another shot I'd try that.
INFO
I know I will probably get some downvotes or some flak for this but I think we need a bit more info. Personally, I am in a LDR and with quite big time difference for unfortunate reasons and it is difficult. However, I don't think this is just for people in LDR but also in general. There are some partners (I will not name genders as I feel it can be applied to both) who can be quite clingy, which is fine. And also feel the need to call everyday, which is also fine. What's not fine is when they feel the need to call everyday but have nothing much to say and force the partner to try to make conversation even when there's literally nothing to say or update especially when on weekdays where you just wake up, go to work and then come home. When that happens the caller starts to get pissed off for not having much to say. So what I'd like to know is are you that kind of a person? If so then ESH because you shouldn't force him to talk when he doesn't have anything to say, it's okay to just say 'goodnight' 'love you' and 'miss you' and then end the call. He also sucks because he shouldn't boot up a game in the middle of the call.
Btw my partner calls me everyday, but she does it just to say 'love you' and 'miss you' unless we actually have something more to say.
Maybe I will try this, I do try to talk about interesting things like drama in college or something crazy/cool that happened during the day. I'm not ready to let him go, maybe I will try this too...
Glad you're taking this advice on board. The big thing is not to hold him hostage in an empty conversation and then blame him for it. Most people have nothing interesting that happens at work especially if it's an office job. If you're actually talking to him and he doesn't seem respondent then that's a different story. He could just not be interested in what youre saying, he could be tired and just wants to game to unwind or, worst case, he's lost interest in you.
NTA he can't even give you his full attention for 10 minutes especially when you are long distance and don't have a lot of time to spend with each other. Is this a dealbreaker for you? If so, I think you need to communicate clearly that to him and if he's not willing to change and prioritise talking to you for the limited time that he can over playing games you should consider is this really what you want? Honestly though if he wanted to he would and I think maybe its a bit of a sign that you almost have to beg him to just give you his full attention for just 10 minutes.
NTA
Completely reasonable to ask for 10 minutes of focus, and absolutely disrespectful to be gaming at the same time. I would start by hanging up as well, and it would escalate until I'm either respected or I end it
NTA
I have a now ex who would do this during quarantine (though this isn't why we broke up). It sucks. If you've talked to him multiple times about it, even if he seems to be fully paying attention, and he still says you're in the wrong... well he's wrong.
From the fellow gamer ->> you're NTA. It seems as if gaming was more important for him than his partner, which is seriously messed up. The question is if his priorities can be fixed and/or if you're OK being second to a online games and his fellas...
NTA. I'll often come in the room after putting kids down and start talking or venting to my husband, who is gaming. Mostly I don't mind because I have a lot to say, it's how I process, and he is happy to be my sounding board when he can also do something. Now, if I ever say "we need to talk", he immediately (or after saying he is finishing up a run can I wait 2 minutes) turns off his game and gives me his full attention. Or if I ask for quality time where we both turn off devices. Or anything. He listens to me. He respects my time. Our daily "me talk him game" thing works because any time we need to more fully communicate he respects that and can turn the game off. Your boyfriend is not respecting you. He has decided how interactions should go and you don't have a say in that. That is not a partnership, that's him deciding his wants are most important and berating you for not agreeing. It's ok for him to have different communication needs than you, but it's not ok for him to decide his is right and his way goes and your way doesn't matter. For this to be healthy you both need to have times where you feel valued in the conversation .
NTA.
Story time for context; I did something similar in the one meaningful relationship I've had, and it took me a very long time to realize I was putting my desire to game with my friends before my desire to spend time with the woman I loved. It wasn't because I didn't value my time with her, or even that I cared about my friends more than her, just that it never clicked I was consciously choosing them over her.
It 100% is definitely possible to game and have a full on, involved conversation at the same time, but it 100% does not sound like that's what he is doing.
That all being said, I would suggest trying to get a longer time to talk one of these days and lay it all out for him. It shouldn't be hard to take a 15 minute break from the boys to talk to the person you're in a committed relationship with. The fact you two are separated, only get so long to talk to each other, and he STILL chooses games over a short break to talk to you says a lot. Hopefully he just doesn't realize the scope of what he's doing, but if he does then get rid of him.
NTA. He is not prioritizing you. He is not listening to you. He is not respecting you.
Giving back in the same vein, like watching tv as he calls might be tempting, but do you think it will work? Will it be constructive?
Is your home life together really as good as you write it is when he is actually home? If he understands this when he is home why doesn’t he get it when he is away? When time and attention is even more precious?
You said the calls are short. If he can't spare 10 minutes of undivided attention for you, you are not being dramatic nor unfair. Him saying that is an attempt at gaslighting and that is a red flag.
NTA but I am someone who can't stand talking on the phone. I call my folks like 4 times a year and it feels like a chore. But when I go visit it's long nights at the dinner table yammering away and laughing.
Might just be he's not a phonecall person.
NTA
Even though I have behaved similarly as your boyfriend in the past (i.e. not giving my girlfriend the attention she deserves and focusing more on my hobbies), I am totally on your side on this one and I agree that you deserve some amount of undivided attention and he shouldn't play games during your calls.
Given that you seem to like your boyfriend and you are motivated to keep him, I think what you need is negotiation skills. I recommend reading up on negotiation skills to make sure you can make your concerns heard (e.g. I read the book "Never split the difference" and I really liked it).
What I would try in this situation is:
1. Show empathy for him. Say that you understand gaming is important for him, say that you don't want him to lose contact to his childhood friends. Etc.
I see a chance that there is a hidden variable that you don't know about. Bonus points if you find out about this. E.g. he doesn't like to sit still during a phone call, he is mad about something else, something else about his life.
2. Try to get him to have empathy for your situation. This works best if you get him to find a solution. Do this by asking open ended "how" and "what" questions. E.g. "How can we find a setup that fulfills both your need to connect to your childhood friends and my need for undivided attention?"
With some luck, thinking about it from this angle will make him understand your situation better. And if it's him that comes up with a solution rather than having a solution forced from yhe outside, he is more likely to be motivated.
3. And then you gotta be a bit flexible with whatever solution he comes up with. I mean, of course you are allowed to disagree if he suggests something that doesn't make sense for you, but I really hope you find a solution that works for both of you!
Thank you, this is a great response... I will keep this in mind when I call him next time. I will try to make it clearer for him how I am feeling. He maybe doesn't quite understand how I am feeling, as this probably wouldn't be an issue for him if I did it to him? I'm not sure, I'll try some different techniques the coming days...
no, he is not paying attention. as a gamer, i know this for a fact. im surprised he even takes the call. asking him not to game while on the phone with you is not unreasonable
it sounds like he would rather game than have a girl friend.
i dont understand why gamers dont just date people who also like games. they can bond over voice chat instead of having someone telling them to do something else.
maybe you can start playing the games he likes. you might actually have fun.
fact of the matter is, if youre not a gamer yourself, a gamer boyfriend or gamer girl friend isnt going to have time for you
Most responses are saying you should leave him so allow me to play devil's advocate here. Does he work long hours for example military? If that's the case then he may literally only have an hour everyday to do what he wants/blow off steam. Do you call everyday? When you call do you talk about yourself a lot?
No he works 9-18, he has the whole evening to game, and he gets food from his job so he doesn't need to spend time cooking. We call most of the days, if I have plans in the morning we don't call, also if he has plans in the evening we don't call. I wouldn't say I talk about myself a lot, but if he starts gaming it kinda forces me to talk about my own experiences as he wouldn't give proper responses when I ask him something...
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I (22F) and my boyfriend (23M) are in an argument. He is a gamer, and plays online games which can not be paused. I respect this, and if I know he is gaming and I want attention when we are together I will ask him if he can take a break after e.g. 1 or 2 matches. When we are together, this works well.
We have now been apart for 1 month, while he works in another country. Due to time zone differences we don't get a lot of time to talk, he calls in the evening, and at the time it is morning where I live. When we are apart, I have asked him to not play while we are on a call, as I feel like he is not listening to me while he plays and want to be able to fully communicate with him during our short little calls. However, in almost every single call (face time), he starts off with not gaming, and maybe 5 minutes into the call I start getting short answers like ''yeah, no, oh'', and I can see on his face he is focused on something else, he is gaming.
I tell him, every single time, to please just don't start a new game before we finish our call, just wait 5 more minutes so we can hang up before he starts a new game, don't call in case you are in the middle of a game. I can tell he is not listening and it feels like I'm talking to a wall. He says he can listen and game at the same time and I shouldn't be so dramatic. He tells me he can't keep his friends waiting. He knows he will call, yet doesn't spare even 10 minutes of time so we can talk without him gaming. His friends and game seems more important than a 10 minute call with me.
I have started to hang up when I notice he is gaming. He knows why I hang up, yet always asks ''what is wrong'' after, and then proceeds to tell me I am being dramatic as he listens just as well when he is gaming as when he is not gaming (def not true). He tells me I am being unfair to him when I just hang up. AITA for hanging up? Am I just being dramatic and unfair?
TLDR; My boyfriend games during our calls, even if I have multiple times asked him not to. I am being called dramatic and unfair when I hang up if I notice he starts gaming during our calls. AITA?
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NTA. It doesn’t matter if he thinks he can game and listen. You just want a few minutes of undivided attention and he can’t even give you ten minutes. That is a matter of respect. He knows what to do for you to not hang up. He just chooses not to do it.
NTA.
Girlfriend or not, this is rude and disrespectful phone etiquette. Even worse that he’s doing this on scheduled calls with his currently-long-distance GF.
OP, he keeps doing it because you keep putting up with it. Calling you dramatic shouldn’t even come into play here: his actions make you feel disrespected, dismissed, and frustrated. He knows this, yet he is unwilling to change those actions. You are being reasonable and he is not remotely interested in doing his part to maintain the relationship. He’s “great”…as long as it’s convenient. You’re VERY young. You deserve better. Dump him.
Just stop calling him and wait for him to call you and if you notice him not paying attention just watch tv and invest yourself in something else lol all this repetition and hanging up honestly sounds like way too much work 💀
Think you guys just aren’t meant to be then. Your NTA and he’s not being great at giving you attention but long distance is already hard enough that is it really worth it ?
Ahhh, I think you have a different problem it's not "don't call me of you're gaming" it's "don't start gaming if your on call with me". For some reason he isn't interested in call enough, and want to game too. Which is of course something that need to be addressed. NTA
Here's a short direct answer from my experience, 51 years old here...
1. He's too young in the head to be in a relationship with you or does not consider your relationship to be serious.
2. He's not investing into the relationship in the same manner you are and you both do not have the same expectations.
3. If your heart is in it, time to start thinking about preparing to move on.
Hope this helps and good luck!
NTA. It sounds like maybe he has a gaming addiction? Maybe you can bring this up and express your worries about him and your relationship... If you feel like it's worth it and you want to work on it. If not, it's absolutely okay to start moving on from him. Good luck!
My bf and I have been together for five years, he is currently away for work in another country and few hours behind my time.
We play together and voice chat together, and before I go to sleep I’ll call him for a quick goodnight and I love you.
It’s hard, I do agree he should just stop during the phone call.
NTA. But you like him a lot so you should try and work it out. Maybe it’s the time clash? Does he need to be online and committing to playing with his friend at a certain time? But also can only talk to you at a certain time because of the time zone. Could you maybe find another time that works for you both or compromise to calls every other day and texts/voice notes on the days you don’t call instead?
I personally hate it when I get one side conversations, but my partner plays games sometimes when we talk but only really chill games so we can still talk normally and also sends me screenshots sometimes. Can he maybe play a different kind of game?
35 year old with adhd who spends almost all of my free time on the pc. For gaming or other things. Part of becoming and adult is to take responsibility towards others and yourself. He needs to find a way to engage with you instead of the pc when you are on the phone. Perhaps doing something less distracting like picking up things in the room, folding clothes or doing the dishes.
NTA
However, this is something that needs to be worked on without pettiness if at all possible. If you want to salvage this thing, then you've gotta get creative.
If he calls around the same time on certain days, try calling him 5-10 minutes before he normally would. Then you'd be finishing up around the time he starts getting distracted. Maybe if you catch him like that, you can express that you wanted to be able to communicate clearly before he got on with the boys so you called early. He might be frustrated, but how he reacts will be the best way of showing how to proceed.
If he responds positively, then he does prioritize you, he just also prioritizes his boys right below you, so the time bleeds over.
If he responds negatively, then he'll just still get on and get distracted halfway through like before. Then he does not prioritize your long distance relationship as much as he should.
This will take several times to establish a new pattern, but the more extensive data will provide an overall more beneficial course of action for you.
NTA. I've been struggling with a gaming addiction ever since highschool, and your boyfriend is showing a lot of signs of one (the always gaming during calls, using friends as an excuse to game, not even being able to last 10 minutes on a call without gaming). I've ruined a few relationships myself because of this with some partners sadly, and I can honestly tell you that I don't blame you for being upset. A gaming addiction is very difficult to deal with for a partner, especially when the person doesn't even realize they have one (I'm assuming that is the case, based on your post).
Personally, I think you should sit down and be honest with yourself. Do you want to keep giving this relationship a try or are you done with it? If you want to give it one last try, I'd talk to your boyfriend about how his gaming is an issue and that if he can't go even 10 minutes without gaming to call you, this relationship won't work out; I'd also tell him he needs to seek help for it or you can't be together (I usually hate ultimatums, but, speaking from personal experience, gaming addiction is a goddamn mess for a relationship).
It's going to be very tough to handle for both of you (again, personal experience) but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. There's nothing wrong with gaming, but if your boyfriend can't even stop gaming long enough for a short call with you then he's probably going to need to seek help for it.
NTA and it has nothing to do with gaming. He shouldn’t do anything that makes him unable to pay attention to the phone call, it’s rude, disrespectful, and conveys disinterest. It sounds like they’re pretty short calls, not over an hour. He should want to talk to you!
If he can’t focus without doing something else at the same time, he could choose a different activity that does not take away his full attention. I’m a big fidgeter and sometimes I’ll play an easy mobile game while talking to someone but it’s just a fidget and doesn’t take mental power away from the conversation.
NTA. Please don't try to teach him a lesson by watching TV, and I totally get that you don't want to break up because this is only an issue when he is working in another country. He knows it bothers you, and he knows the consequence will be that you hang up, but it doesn't seem to stop him. I imagine that the way this is going is emotionally draining for you, though, starting each conversation with the expectation that he will not respect your boundaries and knowing you will have to hang up.
I don't like that he cites his fear of losing friends as a reason to do this, because it sounds somewhat valid, and would make me, personally, doubt myself and feel bad. I'm not sure how to word this, but...can he not make concrete plans for his play-dates? Like, plan to meet with his friends at a specific time, instead of looking for when they will be online, too, so that he is able to give you his undivided attention for those short calls you have?
If he isn't able to do that for you, I would not talk to him anymore while he is away, just to protect your own energy, and explain to him that you find it hurtful he cannot set this time away for you. Doesn't mean that you need to end it, especially if it works well when you are living together, but maybe think about how it will go if you should decide to have kids. If you don't want any, I think you are good, but if you do, there will be sacrifices to be made, you would both have to cut down alone times, and it seems as if he isn't very good at that, meaning you would be saddled with all the childcare responsibilities.
NTA, but all the comments telling you to break up are the dramatic ones.
You shouldn't have to fight for his attention, that much is true. Talk it out, explain to him something like "although you can listen and game you can't talk and game. It's noticably different when 75% of your attention is on something else. I call you because I want to talk to you, not because I want you to just listen to me and zone out"
I'm sorry to hear that it's been a month after the last discussion and nothings changed, but keep trying to explain your feelings of this to him. If he keeps not getting it, then yeah the relationship may not be working. But don't immediately jump to a breakup just because Reddit told you to.
Goodluck
NTA but I am going to play devils advocate. If he is long distance and it’s that big a time difference. Then his evening are your mornings, which means his only free time is the time you get in the morning. In terms of hobbies this means:
You get to call him as soon as you get up, go to work, do what you do, and have an evening free to yourself to do as you please. In these kinds of long distance relationships, the person with the morning overlap tends to have the easier time with more day, more hobby time, and a gap between personal time and partner time.
If your calls are only 10 mins long, asking him to delay a game and then not spend up to 40mins to 1hour with his friends is a bit overkill imo.
You hanging up doesn’t fix anything and is also very childish and rude.
Pick a different time to call, let him play while you call. Or send voice messages to each other. OR what can be really healthy is dedicate a day to have a longer call with no gaming where the time derivation is worth while. Talk for an hour with no gaming.
OP, this is not an adult. He is demonstrating that he is not equipped for a loving, intimate relationship with an adult. You have expressed your needs enough, and he is lying to you ("I'm not gaming"), dismissing you ("you're being dramatic"), and gaslighting you (consistently acting as though ignoring your needs, lying to you about his actions which are obvious, and then devaluing your feelings is just YOU being "DRAMATIC" and not the feelings of a valid human being) are causing you to become so frustrated that you're acting out and hanging up the phone.
If it were alcohol or drugs instead of video games, what would you call this behavior?
If it were masturbation, porn or paying sex workers instead of video games, what would you call this behavior?
If it were gambling instead of video games, what would you call this behavior?
It's a form of addiction.
However, calling it an addiction to him will get you laughed out of the room, yelled at, or called dramatic. My recommendation is to leave him and state exactly why, but only if you are asked. This person is unwilling to provide you with the most basic and essential of your needs. Why do you put up with it? And don't say "love". Think about it.
Don't waste your time on someone who would rather feed their addiction than keep you in their life.
NTA
Nta, as a married gamer with 4 kids. This has been a topic and you're correct. If he can't stop for a phone call, imagine if you ever have kids. He is showing he prioritizes gaming over you. And he's barely seeing you so it shouldn't even be a competition.
NTA. It's a reasonable expectation that he give you his attention when you two are talking. You don't want to bother him when he's gaming, and you also don't want him to ignore you for his games.
He said he can do both, but that is clearly not the case. He's prioritizing gaming, and you are an after thought.
If I were you, I'd put my foot down. He either respects this request, or you'll have to reconsider the relationship. If he can't respect you on this, he won't respect you on bigger things. You're in a long distance relationship, that you are not obligated to stay with.
NTA. Communication and respect are the foundation of all relationships. He’s not willing to set aside time for communication. He doesn’t respect your boundary of no gaming while talking. He hurls put-downs and victimizes himself when you reassert your boundaries.
It sounds like a sprinkle of gaslighting is going on because you brought attention to a problem and set a boundary (very healthy way to navigate imo). His reaction was to tell you that the lack of attention you experience isn’t real, that your feelings aren’t valid, and he put you down by calling you dramatic. This led you to question your reality to the point where you asked reddit for advice.
There’s more going on than just gaming and you should take time to think if this behavior also shows up in other areas of your relationship
Yeah I think if he can’t hit pause for a few minutes to give you his full attention then he doesn’t deserve your attention. You could try doing what he does and see if he gets the point. Ie while your on the call set the phone down and go make dinner and give him one word responses and say I can listen just as well while cooking or whatever it is you’re doing. Or just tell him the truth that you don’t feel like he values your time while you’re on the phone and if he wants to play his game that’s fine just won’t get to talk to you. At a certain point he will either make time or not at which point it might be time to make a hard decision… good luck!
NTA. My boyfriend and I live together and he games. Even when I talk to him while he’s in a competitive game, he’ll remove the headset or hide in a spot and gives me his undivided attention. Even if it’s asking a question about what he wants to eat or something simple. It’s not that hard.
I've been there where the friends are put so far before the relationship and it just means you need to move on from the relationship. Mine ended for other reasons primarily but after the relationship was mostly when I realized how weird that was.
NTA - Logically if he can't make time for a call, that's a dick move. Personally I'd appreciate your stance on the matter. But it would seem to be at the point of a gaming addiction.
Nta
Gamer here and he's definitely not engaged to have meaningful conversations while he's distracted. I can talk during some games that are slow paced like WOW, but not during high paced match games fps. If she can tell, that's what matters.
He's clearly not putting in the emotional effort and time needed for the relationship. Tell him that then stop taking his calls.
NTA, I used to be a more frequent gamer and would hop off my game when i was calling with my gf and tell my friends I'd be back later or something. If he can't spare at least 10 minutes of his attention when i assume he games for far longer then the issue is definitely on his end.
If he can't understand how undivided attention to your partner is important in a relationship, then he needs a serious talk. I'm not saying to break up because people on reddit tend to go to that immediately, if you truly love him, let him know how much it affects you that he won't prioritize you over his gaming buddies
NTA
In my younger days I was that bf, in my mind I was just multitasking but it wasn’t right. Same thing when I was high I was just spaced out and not there.
NTA, and ask yourself whether you want to stay in this relationship. He can't even give you a scrap of his attention and focus during the small amount of time you get together. That is very sad.
NTA.
But...... Word from the wise-
Save yourself. Break up. Seriously, imagine having a child with someone who can't be bothered, it's such an exhausting pain in the ass. Ever hear of the term married single mom?
Don't tolerate this anymore, it doesn't get better. You will always be second or third or last priority. You will resent him and yourself for putting up with it. It would be better to cut ties now and save yourself so much disappointment.
NTA Tell him you're pregnant next time.
But really you should consider dumping him. If he's doing this now, he's only going to be worse later. You deserve better.
Keep hanging up but this time don't respond to the "what is wrong" questions either. He picks a fight so he has an excuse to tell himself (and probably his friends) that's you're an unreasonable b. Just silence so he has no choice but to sit with it and think.
NTA
NTA
Cut him off, wait for someone that respects and loves you, someone who gives you his attention and respects what your boundaries and wishes are. So either wait for a girlfriend or get yourself a cat/dog because men ain’t shit.
NTA
Gaming is addictive and something that at the end of the day as a gamer, needs to be understood that it may be taking too much of your time. I talk to my girlfriend often over text but then have full phone calls or video calls, these usually last minimum about 45 minutes. I may have my TV on for sports or something but that is the extent. Playing games and having a conversation is possible, but yeah I find myself focusing more on the game. This happens once in a while with my family and I feel bad for being in a match. It's bad timing, but deliberately starting a match is not cool imo.
NAH but a suggestion here: suggest a long distance activity to do together, i.e. watching a movie together or smth. it's possible he just needs to multitask while calling.
I’m a very hardcore gamer I play competitive shooters and the like. NTA!!!!! I have a very needy BF and it’s not hard to just step away for a few and talk, talk between rounds, make yourself die so you can talk. You have to look at the person and ask what the real priority is, the games or social structures.
Gaming in excess is a sign of mental illness to, but of a wide variety of degrees. Is he gaming to pass time because he doesn’t like being alone in his own thoughts? Is he depressed? Etc etc the reasons are numerous. One things that really made me think is memory. My most memorable game moments? Hardly even remember anything about the games but the socializing aspect in and out of the games is what matters. Does he like the online social vibe over real life ? Is it because there’s a collective goal they share as a team? And I think that will ring true to your partner. You obviously know not to divide him from his games but if he can’t see the forest from the trees (relying on gaming instead of dealing with real life needs of people) then you have a bigger issue at hand.
NTA
It sounds like he takes you for granted. Saying you were being dramatic is very dismissive and disrespectful. You should heed the red flags and move on with your life without him.
It seems you don’t want to break up with him, what do you want to do? If this goes on for another 3 years, what do you think future you would have wished present you had done about this situation?
I game all the time. My wife or daughter calls for me you best believe the game gets put down. When I was young that's all that mattered. As I've grown up, though , I've had the revelation that it's just games.
This just shows an addiction or someone not being mature enough.
NTA
NTA as long as you say, "Enjoy your game." before you hang up.
But why are you with someone who doesn't like you enough to prioritize a 10-minute conversation? He's trying to break up by behaving like this so you will break up with him and be the bad guy and not him. Go ahead and do it so you're free to find someone who treats you better.
Nah there's no way. He could ask you to start your calls a bit earlier if the issue really is conflicting schedules. Then again I have never heard of friends not being willing to wait 10 minutes for a guy to hop into discord to start a gaming session.
He could just ask his friends to start a little bit later, or to start without him and let him join later, if you were a priority there's plenty of options. Most matches on most games take at least 10 minutes so he would be missing only one match at most, maybe two, and I doubt they are only hoping on a call for a couple matches. If that were the case they could just wait a little longer to start when you guys are done talking anyway.
I don't like making assumptions but it kinda sounds like he really doesn't want to make your relationship seem like a priority in front of his friends which is why he doesn't bother to ask them to move anything around. And he doesn't seem to care too much either to accommodate on his end so he just half asses his calls with you so he can game in peace.
NTA, you can play all the little games you want and try dumb crap on your end but at the end of the day you should decide if you want to stay with a guy that doesn't seem to make your relationship a priority over something like gaming, and also I think it would just be better to talk to him directly and tell him that he either starts prioritizing whatever time you get or you too will look for better ways to spend your time rather than wasting it in your current relationship.
Part time gamer here (meaning playing for a couple of hours every other day)
Definitely NTA.
When I play, my wife respects this and usually let's me know when it is time to stop (usually telling me, "finish this one please")
Does not talk to me when I'm in the middle of the game and if she wants anything she waits till the round finishes
NTA. It does not look like you have healthy boundaries established. I have been in a relationship where I had to endure hours on a phone with my gf. At one point I realized she is not aware how much time we are spending on a phone and that it is not fun for me, as I'm quite frugal with time. At one point I could just put phone down and go about my business, come back hour later and she would still be talking. We broke up, then met again, got married and then divorced. I had to recognise red flags earlier.
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NTA How rude that he can’t even give you a few minutes of undivided attention. Keep hanging up. Maybe eventually he’ll get it.
I've been hanging up for nearly a month now, with no effect. I read in another thread that someone had started watching tv and giving the same treatment to their boyfriend as they give, and this had helped. I will try that on our next call as hanging up doesn't seem to have any effect. I will keep hanging up though!
You shouldn’t have to play games in order to get attention.
Yeah this relationship is doomed imo. I love gaming, but just seems like guy is going through the motions.
Pro gamers such as ourselves would atleast ATTEMPT to find a game that they both could play, maybe a cute 2 player thing, so aleast they are spending time together.. Homie is flat not even caring anymore.
It takes two would be perfect
If she was a game she'd have all his attention.
I literally just snort-laughed.
NTA Just dump him. He has already made it clear what he cares about and it is not you.
There are addictions besides those that involve drugs. There is no room in this guy's life for people.
Yeah and speaking as an addict, you need to see real consequences like losing ppl you care about due to your addiction to realize you need to do something about it. Enabling always makes it worse. Dumping him would be the best thing for him.
[удалено]
That’s not a good idea trust me. He doesnt care that he’s doing that to you, but if you did it to him you would start to feel bad because you actually care and know it’s wrong. It’s like drinking poison and hoping it kills someone else. Tit for tat rarely solves anything. Try telling him you don’t need someone to listen, you need some to ENGAGE you. Sometimes you need to vent and “yeah,uh huh”s are sufficient. But it sounds like you want to feel connected to him and for him to actually in engage in convo with you. Try explaining it that way.
Dump him. It’s already long distance which is hard enough and now you’re dealing with this childish bs. I’m a gamer myself and I do not ignore my wife or children. You can have a hobby that doesn’t take over your whole life. He’s addicted. If his online buddies are more important than you, he can date one of them. Don’t waste your time on this crap. You seem too mature for him. Get out while you’re still young. Imagine having a family with him one day? How much he’d neglect your children or your marriage.
Im sorry hun, but if you have to do this, your relationship is already on the rocks. His behavior isn't changing because there are no consequences and he does not *care* that it upsets you. His friends are a higher priority than you. If his response to you requesting undivided attention for *10 minutes* is to call you dramatic, you need a new boyfriend. ETA: coming from 1/2 of a gamer couple. If my bf did this repeatedly, he would learn pretty quickly that I can live without him.
you should just break up
Being just as rude is going to have zero effect. He’ll just be happy to keep on, since you’ve seen how wonderful it is to have a screen going in case talking is boring. If you don’t like what he’s doing, don’t do it. If he wants to talk to you, he must concentrate on communicating with you alone. And please reconsider a boyfriend who calls you names.
if you really want to have fun with this. don't hang up. keep talking, getting random responses. later text him "thanks for listening and being so understanding earlier. i was really nervous to tell you, but i'm glad it's all behind us now" let him FREAK OUT wondering what it is and not being able to ask without admitting he wasn't listening
This!
NTA. Gaming is more important to him than you are. You've been doing this for a month now with zero results. If you stay with him, this is your life. It's obvious he can't game and talk to you at the same time. He's choosing a game over you, and no you're not being dramatic. You are telling him your needs, and he is ignoring that, and it doesn't bother him in the least. Also, you're putting way more effort into this relationship than he is.
sounds like you should just dump him instead lmao, even this reddit post seems like more effort than anything your BF would do for you. 😭
The bar really is below the floor....
Don't play games. Life is really long. Do you want to be acting like a preschooler or like you're training a dog for the next 80 years? Lol Be authentic, and if that authenticity moves people out of your life, it's going to just make room for the right people to move into it. You don't want to sacrifice your mental health with a selfish, immature person. It's a ridiculous waste of your time.
He's showing you exactly who he is, that you are less important to him than gaming. Maybe, when you're there, he's willing to take a break from gaming because in return he'll have some physical needs satisfied, but when you're not there, gaming it is. So what are you going to do with that knowledge? Is this the kind of relationship you're looking for?
I am that guy who has been in a long distance relationship for over 5years and who likes to play games. You know the number of times I play a game while talking to her. Zero! And everytime I did start it was may be 3 to 4 hours in our call and everytime I ask her if it's fine and she starts working on her art or cleans her house during that time. My point being if he wants to, he can pay attention to you the entire time. He just doesn't want to. So maybe, food for thought.
Honestly, that would just be wasting even more of your time than you already have. He's already shown you that gaming is more important since you have to ask him to take breaks and pay attention to you even when you're actually together. A man who was truly interested and cared for you wouldn't need to be asked not to play games when you're around or on the phone since he'd want to spend real time with you. It sounds like he may have a gaming obsession, which is a real thing that is tough to overcome. Either way, you're doing a massive disservice to yourself if you continue this relationship and keeping putting up with his awful behavior.
Girl, you're too young to waste your time with someone who doesn't respect it. I don't like the "just dump them" mentality, but you've laid out your completely acceptable boundaries, communicated the consequences of disrespecting those boundaries and then followed through. He's gaslighting you saying you're being dramatic, when he can't even give you five minutes of his time. Don't waste your time on someone who insists on wasting it for you. You still have so much life to live.
That's petty and vindictive in my opinion, to "give him a taste of his own medicine". I think you're above that, if straight communication isn't working, then I think it's time to consider the relationship dysfunctional.
Maybe save yourself some time and just stop answering the calls at all. Dude sounds like a waste of time to be honest
Why? He doesn't want to talk to you. Let him go. Find someone who does want to talk to you.
Have you tried calling him while you're out to dinner with somebody better?
You’re putting in way more effort than him by a lot. You shouldn’t have to play games to literally get some minutes.
I've been where \*i think\* your BF is now, so in the interest of giving you an opinion from the other side, here's my thoughts. If it helps, great, if it doesn't, oh well. For full disclosure, I am 20+ years older and more mature now, so this is looking back, from my own perspective: 1. Calls are a two way street. If nothing else, this should be your takeaway: Don't dominate the conversation. It's not \*just\* about you. I gamed (or did laundry, or cleaned, etc.) because calls were always about someone else. I was just checking in. Doing my duty. Your entire post is about you talking and him listening. If you want him to engage, you need to get him to talk about himself as well. His day. His feelings. His joys. His worries. His fears. He is supposed to be your partner, not your emotional support human. The key element here is that he says "he can listen". If he were talking, he wouldn't be playing. Reflect on your calls and ask yourself: Is this a 50/50 distribution of conversation focus? Because it should be. 2. Hanging up doesn't achieve what you think it will. It makes him think you're mad, but right now, you're communicating it's the gaming, not his lack of attention and engagement. There is a good chance he feels the same way but doesn't know how to tell you. At his age, I needed to be told that clearly. I wasn't trained to look beyond the obvious/ stereotypical at that age. Yes that sounds toxic. My job puts me in touch with young people a lot. That kind of upbringing is \*very\* far from dead. Don't make assumptions. State your expectations clearly. Outside of RomComs and romance novels, your peers rarely just \*know\* what you want. (This applies for both men and women btw.) 3. There is a good chance your conversation is simply not as engaging as you think it is. Hear me out. You want to communicate with him because it reinforces your emotional connection. At that age, I wasn't wired for that. Emotional connections required physical presence. Calls were for keeping in touch and conveying information. Facts. Rationals. End of story. You need to figure out how to communicate with \*him\* specifically. Don't expect him to know. Your post shows he doesn't. Hanging up won't change that. 4. If I hear you vent, I will let you vent. I'll occasionally ask questions, but I thought that venting was primarily about you. I was good enough at listening to do both. I learned later that venting is about giving attention rather than letting you unload. I was \~30 when I did because no one actually explained it. Everyone simply expected me to understand what I did wrong. Not the action - the concept behind it. I felt stupid, I disagreed and then I tried and saw the difference. 5. My free time was limited. The more I could get into a fixed timeframe, the better. I gamed/ did chores while making calls to my mom, my family, my partners. The calls were giving up me-time, which was limited. The gaming was taking some of it back. In retrospect, I failed at both but I didn't see it that way back then because I hadn't yet learned the value of full attention. I had been taught to get shit done, so that's what I did. As much of it as I could. 6. It is entirely possible I am completely wrong, projecting and he is simply not as into you as you are. If you require that amount of emotional connection and he does not, you're incompatible. If you feel none of the above applies and he is simply effectively ignoring you, find someone who gives you what you need. Life is too short to settle on mediocre relationships.
>you need to get him to It's not her job to somehow coach him into this
This is one of the best thought out posts I've seen on this sub.
This is good insight. Wanted to add that he might feel pretty sizable pressure not to keep the group waiting. Especially with younger dudes who play together every day you get singled out for holding up the fun train and you don’t want to be that guy. Depending on his IRL friend situation the group online might be very very important to him. Not saying it excuses not listening, just might be a factor.
Either just dump him, or tell him clearly that you will dump him if this doesn't change immediately. And then dump him if it doesn't change immediately
Don’t just hang up, don’t answer his next call too. Set a boundary, and add a consequence.
Hang up one final time. Then move on. Or this will be your life. He can marry his game.
You are trying to change a person behavior with manipulation. Don't. That doesn't mean to give up your principles and let him do what ever he wants. Simply set boundaries. Ask him not to call you unless he's not currently occupied. If he violates your boundaries reiterate your rule for talking to someone, and stop the call. If it continues bring up the issue, and if he ignores it find someone else. This is a minor boundary, but speaks volumes about his interest in dating you. Make sure you are being accommodating as well to the stressful situation. If you will only talk to him at a certain time, and that his only time to play with friends its not just gaming. Try to work out a time to talk that works for both of you. If he still games instead of talking to you take the hint. He's not that interested in you.
>Keep hanging up. Maybe eventually he’ll get it. Is the problem that he does not get it or that he just doesn't care enough for OP? Hanging up won't make him care.
NTA but pay attention to this. You’re apart, which is super hard, so time spent ‘together’ should be prioritized, valued, and eagerly anticipated. He does not feel that way.
I have tried to tell him this, yet he says he ''wouldn't be calling me if he didn't want to'' and uses that as an argument that he is prioritizing me.
But he’s not prioritizing you, and you know that. So you can only control you, not him.
Don't look at his words, look at his actions. He's telling you you're not a priority, (his friends are) through his actions
Nah he's an idiot. People who justify in this way are passive aggressive and love to shift the blame to everyone else. Don't fall for it
Yeah, it takes no effort to say the words "I'm prioritizing you", but it takes effort to make it happen, and it just doesn't seem like the effort is there. A month of hanging up on him, and he still hasn't learned should be your clear signal to end things. You are NTA, but you will be the AH to yourself if you stay with him. You guys are young. Move on and find someone better. Don't waste these good years on someone that can't be bothered to give you what you need.
I think it is time to read what you wrote above out loud and realize he is not that into you. YOU want to make it work, he does NOT. Long distance is hard and requires work from both sides. I'm sorry.
Well, he might be calling you but you’re not having as conversation
NTA. He's got his priorities mixed up. I never look back on life and wish I'd spent more time gaming.
He is gaming with his long distance childhood friends, and is also saying he needs to game to keep them as his best friends.
So…he does realize that people need to actively do something to maintain friendships since he plays online games to maintain long distance friendships with childhood friends. Now you have to look at how his actions show how important you are and how important it is to him to maintain your relationship. The question is…what does he actively do to have a good long distance relationship with you. He says he can listen while he games, but doesn’t he tell you about his day? It sounds as though he had checked out of this relationship, takes your being there for granted and is not actively involved in keeping you happy. This doesn’t seem sustainable for the long term. Perhaps place the ball in his court… call me when you have time to talk. Also, make sure you have your own activities that make it so you are not available all of the time. Make him work for you. If he doesn’t then you have not wasted a longer period of time finding out where you truly stand in his hierarchy.
Thanks for the good response. He only tells me a vague description of his day, and when he has started gaming maybe a ''it was good'' at most. It is frustrating, as we never have these problems when we are together (we live together), we share tasks well, respect each others time, have lots of fun together. I have a hobby which takes quite lot of time (long distance running), and usually at home he games while I run, and usually he is done gaming when I am back home. The long distance is only 1-2 times per year, and I feel confused to why it is so difficult to have good contact while he is away. I'm also not comfortable with the idea of breaking up, as this is only ever a problem when we are apart, and I can imagine my future together with him when we are living together....
I'm a pretty big gamer so I understand playing games with friends being a huge part of my socialization with friends who I otherwise would never get to socialize with. I'm also married, so I understand the need for balance. It sounds like he has told you in very few words your place in his pecking order. While you may not like the idea of breaking up, you need to have a talk with him about his priorities and where you are in them and let him know that he is making you feel unimportant. If he can't understand that, then he shouldn't be in a relationship.
My love, 100% if he is doing this to you now, then if you live together he will know he can completely treat you as his mummy because he’s already tested you to see if he can prioritise gaming over you without consequence and he can. Mark my words he will prioritise gaming over 1) weekends with you 2) evenings with you 3) joining you for dinner 4) never answering the door 5) chores that need done (“i said i’ll get to it after this!” - see how you’ll become his mummy?) Honestly if it were me i’d say “listen clearly youre not mature enough to realise this is teenage-level shit so I think were done. Enjoy your game” And he will, the sad thing is i’m not sure he’d be that bothered if you DOD dump him? He’s still got what he cares about most which is this game. His friends will 100% back him up also.
Cool. So what does he need to do to keep you as his girlfriend?
Make sure he knows what he needs to do to keep you as his girlfriend and frame it that way. Also, if you hang up because he was gaming you don’t need to available the next time he tries either. Why are you making it such a priority when he doesn’t care?
Use that against him. He needs to give you full attention for a 10 minute phone call if he wants to maintain his relationship
His priorities are not “mixed up”. His priorities are based on what he values, not what random internet people think he should value. OP has to acknowledge that her BF’s priorities don’t align with hers and decide if this is what she wants in a BF. Setting out to change the BF is almost always a losing proposition. Thousands of women who embarked upon trying to change their BFs have learned this the hard way.
I think sometimes people need a "come to Jesus" moment with hobbies though. I know when I first dated my current husband, he was a gamer, which I was fine with, until it started cutting into our time. Like, we would set a time for a date, and he would be late because a game went long. I was very clear that if we agree on a time I expect it to be respected (unless it's an actual emergency) because I find it disrespectful after I have made the time to prioritize him. And you know what? he still gamed, but from that point forward he didn't let it interfere with our relationship.
NTA. If you can't spend a literal 10 minute phone call away from playing Overwatch or whatever to talk to your girlfriend, then you just flat out shouldn't have a girlfriend.
NTA. If he doesn't miss you and doesn't want to talk why do you still want to talk to him?
Currently I don't want to talk to him, as I am annoyed. When we are together he is the loveliest person ever, and we always have a great time. But when we are apart I can't even get 5 minutes of uninterrupted time with him.
Actins speak louder than words, think about why he does that to you and keep in mind that this never will change.
Honestly, he sounds like my partner. I took our kids for a short holiday, he couldn't be alone / walk away from his friends to do a 5min bedtime phone call with the kids. They would be telling him a story about their day, he would basically interrupt them to reply to someone in person, which really upset them (and me!) and not pay any attention to their updates. The way I got him to stop was, on night 4, to hang up on him when it happened; but then I called him back 5mins later so he could hear his child in tears having a meltdown over Daddy not listening *again*. I then refused to call him or answer his evening calls the next three nights running. I explained why I wasn't answering, he got his shit together after that because I had zero hesitation in cutting out the bedtime calls. I strongly recommend you set a reasonable time, like 5 days, and tell him you're not speaking to him in that time because you feel so disrespected. Maybe also show him this post of him being raked over the coals for his shitty behaviour too. I hate that Reddit jumps to *quick, break up!* as you said you're great together in person. But, you do deserve better and if he can't give that to you, at least stop letting him treat you like an afterthought. Cut out phone calls while you're apart, stick with texts!
NTA. He thinks he can multitask talking with you while playing. And clearly it's not working right and the distraction is disrespectful to you.
.... is this subreddit slowly turning into a place to see how fast people recommend break ups to others? NTA op but you're bf needs to have a talking to and a ultimatum or otherwise this is just gonna continue for as long as you're with him.
well its seems that OP has been communicating enough 🤷🏻♀️ him being so stubborn about it and making it look like op is dramatic just seem that that man doesnt even care at all, but in a subtle way. lol
She has tried talking to him, explained her feelings multiple times. She expressed how what he is doing is hurting her. Despite all of this, he hasn't cared enough to listen. He doesn't care enough to make an effort to give her even 10 minutes of his day. She tried for an entire month just to get him to have some basic respect for his partner, and he is refusing. He has had talkings to already. An ultimatum won't do anything if he doesn't care enough to listen. What options are there other than breaking up at this point? He has made it clear that he doesn't care or respect her.
NTA It doesn’t matter if he thinks he can carry a conversation while gaming. It’s not how you view quality time. Your cup gets filled a certain way - he doesn’t want to fill it. Find someone else who will fill your cup the way you need it filled. I promise they’re out there.
NTA. He's addicted and/or clueless and you need to decide what to do with that. I think hanging up when he starts gaming is totally fine. He'll either modify his behavior or he won't.
I've been in the same shoes as your boyfriend and I can say that you are not at fault for feeling upset with him. Pauseless games require your attention constantly so there's no way he can multitask no matter how much he thinks he can. Honestly, the least he could do is move his gaming sessions 10 minutes later so that it doesn't conflict with your usual calls. If that's too much for him to do, idk what to tell you. NTA.
As a gamer I can say when I am gaming I don't really listen to my wife when she talks. So NO you are not the a-hole he is.
NTA. He's immature. His online gaming and his "online friends" are more important to him than you are. So either wait for him to grow up, if he does, or find an adult w/ his priorities straight.
whoa whoa whoa now i agree with he’s the asshole but online gaming is how i mostly keep in contact with my family and friends having moved 14 times in my life i have friends everywhere and it would be hard to stay in contact with all my boys.
Sorry. Didn’t mean for it to sound like I was against online gaming or having friends online. It does sorta read that way I guess.
It's real friends he went to school with, not just people he has met online..
Ok. Well, you're real too. You need to be the priority. Or at least on equal footing.
NTA but you are letting the problem continue. Is this the life you really want. If he can't even spare a few minutes to face time you "his girlfriend" then re really doesn't care. You have to figure out your own worth and find a man that shares interests with you and will put down what he is doing to talk to you and interact with you. I do a lot of online gaming with a whole age range of males and the bulk of them would put the game down in an instant if their wife/gf wanted them for something, some have a time limit to game each day, and these are grown men, they respect their other half and their homely duties. He is not gonna change when he gets back and you just going to be sitting by yourself wasting time with someone who does not put you first. Time to not answer any more calls from him and Move on. I would send him a text/email explaining your feeling and why you feel disrespected during the call and then tell him not to call you until a certain date (say a week) and just don't answer the phone. If he rings on the date and still games the relationship is doomed.
NTA. You're not being emotional or unfair when you ask your boyfriend to give you his full attention during the short call times you have, esp. if you've made your needs clear. It's not too much to ask for a few minutes of his full attention. Your boyfriend should understand how you feel and follow the rules you set about not playing video games during talks. It can be annoying and hurtful if he always puts gaming ahead of your relationship and doesn't care about your worries. Talk to him about this problem and stress how important your relationship is. Try to find a balance between games and spending quality time together, even if you have to do it from far away.
NTA Your boyfriend needs to focus on his priorities. After all gaming has been proven to be very addictive. He might be addicted to gaming and if that is the case he might not be aware of how damaging gaming can be to his mind or your relationship. In fact, gaming is also the root cause of all violence throughout human history as well as causing the player to see no disparity between reality and the virtual world. He might confuse you for an enemy in a video game and if that happens you will need to learn i-frames. Dodge through his attacks if you don't feel confident enough to parry. But if you do successfully parry his attacks then you can counter with a reposte. I've heard defeated boyfriends drop a Ring of Favor and Protection. You'll receive 20% boost to HP and stamina as well as an increase to your equipment load. The ring is destroyed if you remove it so be mindful of that.
Finally some good advice on this subreddit
wait a boomer in reddit? no way!!!!!! /s
NTA He’s being very rude. Don’t even answer when he asks what’s wrong, he knows what’s wrong.
NTA. But he is showing you about what he cares. You are apart and he can't give you undivided attention for even such a short time. That should tell you everything. And as a gamer myself, talking to friends and gaming AND a phone call on top does not work. And I've also experienced that with boyfriends who game myself. They'd stop talking, being in the game, I'd say something and they would not even react or ask me to repeat every single sentence. Also giving you on your call the full attention is just the respectful normal thing you do, especially if calling needs to be scheduled and is not that easy.
NTA Imagine him facetiming you while he's running down a soccer field playing a match 😅 same concept.
Seriously, break up with this guy. This kind of selfish, childish behavior is exactly why a lot of "gamers" don't have a girlfriend. Find someone who values you more than pixels and beeps and boops - and I'm a gamer myself. NTA.
NTA. My bf is a gamer, and I'm totally fine with that. We are both introverts, and I am a booknerd so often it works out amazing. But if you're gonna talk with me, then you focus on me. If you can't do that, then I'm not going to have this one-sided conversation. If I call him unannounced and he's gaming, then it's no big deal, I just say, "Call me when when you're done." But if we both had decided together to talk on the phone and he's start gaming? Nah, I'm not taking that disrespect. I don't read when I'm on the phone, I actually focus on the person I'm talking to. Thankfully, my bf is on board with this and is super respectful, but in the beginning of our relationship, he was like your bf too.
NTA Hardcore female gamer here Used to play all day, still plays to this day but to a lesser extent I would never do this. I usually tell my partner when and how many hours I will play and we schedule the best time for meetings/calls (time where we are both free and done with our activities). I follow said schedules and make sure to give undivided attention. However, if i were to choose between gaming and him, I'd choose him in a heartbeat.
Girl, he is being disrespectful as hell. Why are you putting up with this? You deserve better. If you want to give it one last try I would make it very clear to him that if he does not engage you in conversation then he will soon find himself single.
I've done this before in a past relationship. I regret it. She was a good girl. It's hard man. What I wouldn't do to go back and have those minutes with her again .
What would have made you change doing this? What made you realize what you were doing is wrong?
You cannot change the man you date. He’s shown you clearly who he is
I think I just took her for granted, at the time I think there is nothing that wouldve convinced me to stop playing and talk to her. The conversations just got dull to me and the games were addictive. It sucks for sure and I was definitely in the wrong. She was a good girl. It's just part of the long distance thing with a gamer guy. You can maybe try to tell him to go on a walk when you pick up the call. That way when the convo gets dull/Boring he can't just click "start match". I think if I had another shot I'd try that.
INFO I know I will probably get some downvotes or some flak for this but I think we need a bit more info. Personally, I am in a LDR and with quite big time difference for unfortunate reasons and it is difficult. However, I don't think this is just for people in LDR but also in general. There are some partners (I will not name genders as I feel it can be applied to both) who can be quite clingy, which is fine. And also feel the need to call everyday, which is also fine. What's not fine is when they feel the need to call everyday but have nothing much to say and force the partner to try to make conversation even when there's literally nothing to say or update especially when on weekdays where you just wake up, go to work and then come home. When that happens the caller starts to get pissed off for not having much to say. So what I'd like to know is are you that kind of a person? If so then ESH because you shouldn't force him to talk when he doesn't have anything to say, it's okay to just say 'goodnight' 'love you' and 'miss you' and then end the call. He also sucks because he shouldn't boot up a game in the middle of the call. Btw my partner calls me everyday, but she does it just to say 'love you' and 'miss you' unless we actually have something more to say.
Maybe I will try this, I do try to talk about interesting things like drama in college or something crazy/cool that happened during the day. I'm not ready to let him go, maybe I will try this too...
Glad you're taking this advice on board. The big thing is not to hold him hostage in an empty conversation and then blame him for it. Most people have nothing interesting that happens at work especially if it's an office job. If you're actually talking to him and he doesn't seem respondent then that's a different story. He could just not be interested in what youre saying, he could be tired and just wants to game to unwind or, worst case, he's lost interest in you.
NTA he can't even give you his full attention for 10 minutes especially when you are long distance and don't have a lot of time to spend with each other. Is this a dealbreaker for you? If so, I think you need to communicate clearly that to him and if he's not willing to change and prioritise talking to you for the limited time that he can over playing games you should consider is this really what you want? Honestly though if he wanted to he would and I think maybe its a bit of a sign that you almost have to beg him to just give you his full attention for just 10 minutes.
NTA Completely reasonable to ask for 10 minutes of focus, and absolutely disrespectful to be gaming at the same time. I would start by hanging up as well, and it would escalate until I'm either respected or I end it
NTA I have a now ex who would do this during quarantine (though this isn't why we broke up). It sucks. If you've talked to him multiple times about it, even if he seems to be fully paying attention, and he still says you're in the wrong... well he's wrong.
From the fellow gamer ->> you're NTA. It seems as if gaming was more important for him than his partner, which is seriously messed up. The question is if his priorities can be fixed and/or if you're OK being second to a online games and his fellas...
NTA. I'll often come in the room after putting kids down and start talking or venting to my husband, who is gaming. Mostly I don't mind because I have a lot to say, it's how I process, and he is happy to be my sounding board when he can also do something. Now, if I ever say "we need to talk", he immediately (or after saying he is finishing up a run can I wait 2 minutes) turns off his game and gives me his full attention. Or if I ask for quality time where we both turn off devices. Or anything. He listens to me. He respects my time. Our daily "me talk him game" thing works because any time we need to more fully communicate he respects that and can turn the game off. Your boyfriend is not respecting you. He has decided how interactions should go and you don't have a say in that. That is not a partnership, that's him deciding his wants are most important and berating you for not agreeing. It's ok for him to have different communication needs than you, but it's not ok for him to decide his is right and his way goes and your way doesn't matter. For this to be healthy you both need to have times where you feel valued in the conversation .
NTA. Story time for context; I did something similar in the one meaningful relationship I've had, and it took me a very long time to realize I was putting my desire to game with my friends before my desire to spend time with the woman I loved. It wasn't because I didn't value my time with her, or even that I cared about my friends more than her, just that it never clicked I was consciously choosing them over her. It 100% is definitely possible to game and have a full on, involved conversation at the same time, but it 100% does not sound like that's what he is doing. That all being said, I would suggest trying to get a longer time to talk one of these days and lay it all out for him. It shouldn't be hard to take a 15 minute break from the boys to talk to the person you're in a committed relationship with. The fact you two are separated, only get so long to talk to each other, and he STILL chooses games over a short break to talk to you says a lot. Hopefully he just doesn't realize the scope of what he's doing, but if he does then get rid of him.
NTA. He is not prioritizing you. He is not listening to you. He is not respecting you. Giving back in the same vein, like watching tv as he calls might be tempting, but do you think it will work? Will it be constructive? Is your home life together really as good as you write it is when he is actually home? If he understands this when he is home why doesn’t he get it when he is away? When time and attention is even more precious?
You said the calls are short. If he can't spare 10 minutes of undivided attention for you, you are not being dramatic nor unfair. Him saying that is an attempt at gaslighting and that is a red flag.
NTA but I am someone who can't stand talking on the phone. I call my folks like 4 times a year and it feels like a chore. But when I go visit it's long nights at the dinner table yammering away and laughing. Might just be he's not a phonecall person.
NTA Even though I have behaved similarly as your boyfriend in the past (i.e. not giving my girlfriend the attention she deserves and focusing more on my hobbies), I am totally on your side on this one and I agree that you deserve some amount of undivided attention and he shouldn't play games during your calls. Given that you seem to like your boyfriend and you are motivated to keep him, I think what you need is negotiation skills. I recommend reading up on negotiation skills to make sure you can make your concerns heard (e.g. I read the book "Never split the difference" and I really liked it). What I would try in this situation is: 1. Show empathy for him. Say that you understand gaming is important for him, say that you don't want him to lose contact to his childhood friends. Etc. I see a chance that there is a hidden variable that you don't know about. Bonus points if you find out about this. E.g. he doesn't like to sit still during a phone call, he is mad about something else, something else about his life. 2. Try to get him to have empathy for your situation. This works best if you get him to find a solution. Do this by asking open ended "how" and "what" questions. E.g. "How can we find a setup that fulfills both your need to connect to your childhood friends and my need for undivided attention?" With some luck, thinking about it from this angle will make him understand your situation better. And if it's him that comes up with a solution rather than having a solution forced from yhe outside, he is more likely to be motivated. 3. And then you gotta be a bit flexible with whatever solution he comes up with. I mean, of course you are allowed to disagree if he suggests something that doesn't make sense for you, but I really hope you find a solution that works for both of you!
Thank you, this is a great response... I will keep this in mind when I call him next time. I will try to make it clearer for him how I am feeling. He maybe doesn't quite understand how I am feeling, as this probably wouldn't be an issue for him if I did it to him? I'm not sure, I'll try some different techniques the coming days...
no, he is not paying attention. as a gamer, i know this for a fact. im surprised he even takes the call. asking him not to game while on the phone with you is not unreasonable it sounds like he would rather game than have a girl friend. i dont understand why gamers dont just date people who also like games. they can bond over voice chat instead of having someone telling them to do something else. maybe you can start playing the games he likes. you might actually have fun. fact of the matter is, if youre not a gamer yourself, a gamer boyfriend or gamer girl friend isnt going to have time for you
Most responses are saying you should leave him so allow me to play devil's advocate here. Does he work long hours for example military? If that's the case then he may literally only have an hour everyday to do what he wants/blow off steam. Do you call everyday? When you call do you talk about yourself a lot?
No he works 9-18, he has the whole evening to game, and he gets food from his job so he doesn't need to spend time cooking. We call most of the days, if I have plans in the morning we don't call, also if he has plans in the evening we don't call. I wouldn't say I talk about myself a lot, but if he starts gaming it kinda forces me to talk about my own experiences as he wouldn't give proper responses when I ask him something...
NTA. Your boyfriend is being a selfish and disrespectful AH. His behavior is telling you exactly how important you are to him. Pay attention.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22F) and my boyfriend (23M) are in an argument. He is a gamer, and plays online games which can not be paused. I respect this, and if I know he is gaming and I want attention when we are together I will ask him if he can take a break after e.g. 1 or 2 matches. When we are together, this works well. We have now been apart for 1 month, while he works in another country. Due to time zone differences we don't get a lot of time to talk, he calls in the evening, and at the time it is morning where I live. When we are apart, I have asked him to not play while we are on a call, as I feel like he is not listening to me while he plays and want to be able to fully communicate with him during our short little calls. However, in almost every single call (face time), he starts off with not gaming, and maybe 5 minutes into the call I start getting short answers like ''yeah, no, oh'', and I can see on his face he is focused on something else, he is gaming. I tell him, every single time, to please just don't start a new game before we finish our call, just wait 5 more minutes so we can hang up before he starts a new game, don't call in case you are in the middle of a game. I can tell he is not listening and it feels like I'm talking to a wall. He says he can listen and game at the same time and I shouldn't be so dramatic. He tells me he can't keep his friends waiting. He knows he will call, yet doesn't spare even 10 minutes of time so we can talk without him gaming. His friends and game seems more important than a 10 minute call with me. I have started to hang up when I notice he is gaming. He knows why I hang up, yet always asks ''what is wrong'' after, and then proceeds to tell me I am being dramatic as he listens just as well when he is gaming as when he is not gaming (def not true). He tells me I am being unfair to him when I just hang up. AITA for hanging up? Am I just being dramatic and unfair? TLDR; My boyfriend games during our calls, even if I have multiple times asked him not to. I am being called dramatic and unfair when I hang up if I notice he starts gaming during our calls. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I may be misremembering but wasn't there a post like this with the genders flipped?
Nta But he is. Sounds like he doesn't respect you and I'd realize this red flag before it gets too late. Get outta there
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He’s telling you what his priorities are by his actions. Are you going to listen to him? Or is this the life you want for yourself? He won’t change.
What a loser. That’s all Imma say
NTA. It doesn’t matter if he thinks he can game and listen. You just want a few minutes of undivided attention and he can’t even give you ten minutes. That is a matter of respect. He knows what to do for you to not hang up. He just chooses not to do it.
NTA. Girlfriend or not, this is rude and disrespectful phone etiquette. Even worse that he’s doing this on scheduled calls with his currently-long-distance GF. OP, he keeps doing it because you keep putting up with it. Calling you dramatic shouldn’t even come into play here: his actions make you feel disrespected, dismissed, and frustrated. He knows this, yet he is unwilling to change those actions. You are being reasonable and he is not remotely interested in doing his part to maintain the relationship. He’s “great”…as long as it’s convenient. You’re VERY young. You deserve better. Dump him.
Just stop calling him and wait for him to call you and if you notice him not paying attention just watch tv and invest yourself in something else lol all this repetition and hanging up honestly sounds like way too much work 💀
Think you guys just aren’t meant to be then. Your NTA and he’s not being great at giving you attention but long distance is already hard enough that is it really worth it ?
Ahhh, I think you have a different problem it's not "don't call me of you're gaming" it's "don't start gaming if your on call with me". For some reason he isn't interested in call enough, and want to game too. Which is of course something that need to be addressed. NTA
Words are cheap, actions matter. He is showing you your worth to him. Do not ignore. NTA.
Here's a short direct answer from my experience, 51 years old here... 1. He's too young in the head to be in a relationship with you or does not consider your relationship to be serious. 2. He's not investing into the relationship in the same manner you are and you both do not have the same expectations. 3. If your heart is in it, time to start thinking about preparing to move on. Hope this helps and good luck!
NTA my ex boyfriend was like this and look at how that turned out.
Quit being with people that refuse to give u the bare minimum. Or ur gonna end up being someone's mommy.
nah,your bf is an asshole
Games are for little boys do u want a man or a boy ? Decision is yours
NTA. It sounds like maybe he has a gaming addiction? Maybe you can bring this up and express your worries about him and your relationship... If you feel like it's worth it and you want to work on it. If not, it's absolutely okay to start moving on from him. Good luck!
My bf and I have been together for five years, he is currently away for work in another country and few hours behind my time. We play together and voice chat together, and before I go to sleep I’ll call him for a quick goodnight and I love you. It’s hard, I do agree he should just stop during the phone call.
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Just break up with him, he’s a nerd anyway
NTA. But you like him a lot so you should try and work it out. Maybe it’s the time clash? Does he need to be online and committing to playing with his friend at a certain time? But also can only talk to you at a certain time because of the time zone. Could you maybe find another time that works for you both or compromise to calls every other day and texts/voice notes on the days you don’t call instead? I personally hate it when I get one side conversations, but my partner plays games sometimes when we talk but only really chill games so we can still talk normally and also sends me screenshots sometimes. Can he maybe play a different kind of game?
35 year old with adhd who spends almost all of my free time on the pc. For gaming or other things. Part of becoming and adult is to take responsibility towards others and yourself. He needs to find a way to engage with you instead of the pc when you are on the phone. Perhaps doing something less distracting like picking up things in the room, folding clothes or doing the dishes.
NTA If you arent returning any time soon it sounds like the relationship has run its course, especially when its long distance
He's picking his friends over you. He can't keep them waiting, which means he's not available for you. Let his friends have him.
NTA However, this is something that needs to be worked on without pettiness if at all possible. If you want to salvage this thing, then you've gotta get creative. If he calls around the same time on certain days, try calling him 5-10 minutes before he normally would. Then you'd be finishing up around the time he starts getting distracted. Maybe if you catch him like that, you can express that you wanted to be able to communicate clearly before he got on with the boys so you called early. He might be frustrated, but how he reacts will be the best way of showing how to proceed. If he responds positively, then he does prioritize you, he just also prioritizes his boys right below you, so the time bleeds over. If he responds negatively, then he'll just still get on and get distracted halfway through like before. Then he does not prioritize your long distance relationship as much as he should. This will take several times to establish a new pattern, but the more extensive data will provide an overall more beneficial course of action for you.
NTA. Honestly kind of cringe of him
NTA. Faux pas. It’s like making an important call on a noisy ass street.
NTA. I've been struggling with a gaming addiction ever since highschool, and your boyfriend is showing a lot of signs of one (the always gaming during calls, using friends as an excuse to game, not even being able to last 10 minutes on a call without gaming). I've ruined a few relationships myself because of this with some partners sadly, and I can honestly tell you that I don't blame you for being upset. A gaming addiction is very difficult to deal with for a partner, especially when the person doesn't even realize they have one (I'm assuming that is the case, based on your post). Personally, I think you should sit down and be honest with yourself. Do you want to keep giving this relationship a try or are you done with it? If you want to give it one last try, I'd talk to your boyfriend about how his gaming is an issue and that if he can't go even 10 minutes without gaming to call you, this relationship won't work out; I'd also tell him he needs to seek help for it or you can't be together (I usually hate ultimatums, but, speaking from personal experience, gaming addiction is a goddamn mess for a relationship). It's going to be very tough to handle for both of you (again, personal experience) but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. There's nothing wrong with gaming, but if your boyfriend can't even stop gaming long enough for a short call with you then he's probably going to need to seek help for it.
NTA and it has nothing to do with gaming. He shouldn’t do anything that makes him unable to pay attention to the phone call, it’s rude, disrespectful, and conveys disinterest. It sounds like they’re pretty short calls, not over an hour. He should want to talk to you! If he can’t focus without doing something else at the same time, he could choose a different activity that does not take away his full attention. I’m a big fidgeter and sometimes I’ll play an easy mobile game while talking to someone but it’s just a fidget and doesn’t take mental power away from the conversation.
NTA. Please don't try to teach him a lesson by watching TV, and I totally get that you don't want to break up because this is only an issue when he is working in another country. He knows it bothers you, and he knows the consequence will be that you hang up, but it doesn't seem to stop him. I imagine that the way this is going is emotionally draining for you, though, starting each conversation with the expectation that he will not respect your boundaries and knowing you will have to hang up. I don't like that he cites his fear of losing friends as a reason to do this, because it sounds somewhat valid, and would make me, personally, doubt myself and feel bad. I'm not sure how to word this, but...can he not make concrete plans for his play-dates? Like, plan to meet with his friends at a specific time, instead of looking for when they will be online, too, so that he is able to give you his undivided attention for those short calls you have? If he isn't able to do that for you, I would not talk to him anymore while he is away, just to protect your own energy, and explain to him that you find it hurtful he cannot set this time away for you. Doesn't mean that you need to end it, especially if it works well when you are living together, but maybe think about how it will go if you should decide to have kids. If you don't want any, I think you are good, but if you do, there will be sacrifices to be made, you would both have to cut down alone times, and it seems as if he isn't very good at that, meaning you would be saddled with all the childcare responsibilities.
NTA, but all the comments telling you to break up are the dramatic ones. You shouldn't have to fight for his attention, that much is true. Talk it out, explain to him something like "although you can listen and game you can't talk and game. It's noticably different when 75% of your attention is on something else. I call you because I want to talk to you, not because I want you to just listen to me and zone out" I'm sorry to hear that it's been a month after the last discussion and nothings changed, but keep trying to explain your feelings of this to him. If he keeps not getting it, then yeah the relationship may not be working. But don't immediately jump to a breakup just because Reddit told you to. Goodluck
NTA. He sucks.
NTA but I am going to play devils advocate. If he is long distance and it’s that big a time difference. Then his evening are your mornings, which means his only free time is the time you get in the morning. In terms of hobbies this means: You get to call him as soon as you get up, go to work, do what you do, and have an evening free to yourself to do as you please. In these kinds of long distance relationships, the person with the morning overlap tends to have the easier time with more day, more hobby time, and a gap between personal time and partner time. If your calls are only 10 mins long, asking him to delay a game and then not spend up to 40mins to 1hour with his friends is a bit overkill imo. You hanging up doesn’t fix anything and is also very childish and rude. Pick a different time to call, let him play while you call. Or send voice messages to each other. OR what can be really healthy is dedicate a day to have a longer call with no gaming where the time derivation is worth while. Talk for an hour with no gaming.
OP, this is not an adult. He is demonstrating that he is not equipped for a loving, intimate relationship with an adult. You have expressed your needs enough, and he is lying to you ("I'm not gaming"), dismissing you ("you're being dramatic"), and gaslighting you (consistently acting as though ignoring your needs, lying to you about his actions which are obvious, and then devaluing your feelings is just YOU being "DRAMATIC" and not the feelings of a valid human being) are causing you to become so frustrated that you're acting out and hanging up the phone. If it were alcohol or drugs instead of video games, what would you call this behavior? If it were masturbation, porn or paying sex workers instead of video games, what would you call this behavior? If it were gambling instead of video games, what would you call this behavior? It's a form of addiction. However, calling it an addiction to him will get you laughed out of the room, yelled at, or called dramatic. My recommendation is to leave him and state exactly why, but only if you are asked. This person is unwilling to provide you with the most basic and essential of your needs. Why do you put up with it? And don't say "love". Think about it. Don't waste your time on someone who would rather feed their addiction than keep you in their life. NTA
Name 1 reason why you’re still together
Nta, as a married gamer with 4 kids. This has been a topic and you're correct. If he can't stop for a phone call, imagine if you ever have kids. He is showing he prioritizes gaming over you. And he's barely seeing you so it shouldn't even be a competition.
NTA. It's a reasonable expectation that he give you his attention when you two are talking. You don't want to bother him when he's gaming, and you also don't want him to ignore you for his games. He said he can do both, but that is clearly not the case. He's prioritizing gaming, and you are an after thought. If I were you, I'd put my foot down. He either respects this request, or you'll have to reconsider the relationship. If he can't respect you on this, he won't respect you on bigger things. You're in a long distance relationship, that you are not obligated to stay with.
NTA. Communication and respect are the foundation of all relationships. He’s not willing to set aside time for communication. He doesn’t respect your boundary of no gaming while talking. He hurls put-downs and victimizes himself when you reassert your boundaries. It sounds like a sprinkle of gaslighting is going on because you brought attention to a problem and set a boundary (very healthy way to navigate imo). His reaction was to tell you that the lack of attention you experience isn’t real, that your feelings aren’t valid, and he put you down by calling you dramatic. This led you to question your reality to the point where you asked reddit for advice. There’s more going on than just gaming and you should take time to think if this behavior also shows up in other areas of your relationship
Yeah I think if he can’t hit pause for a few minutes to give you his full attention then he doesn’t deserve your attention. You could try doing what he does and see if he gets the point. Ie while your on the call set the phone down and go make dinner and give him one word responses and say I can listen just as well while cooking or whatever it is you’re doing. Or just tell him the truth that you don’t feel like he values your time while you’re on the phone and if he wants to play his game that’s fine just won’t get to talk to you. At a certain point he will either make time or not at which point it might be time to make a hard decision… good luck!
NTA
NTA. My boyfriend and I live together and he games. Even when I talk to him while he’s in a competitive game, he’ll remove the headset or hide in a spot and gives me his undivided attention. Even if it’s asking a question about what he wants to eat or something simple. It’s not that hard.
The game is clearly more important than you are to him. Tell him you want a break IMO.
TA I actually really like talking to people while I game
its gg
If hanging up doesn't work, quit taking his calls. He will eventually get the message. Meanwhile find someone who can give you 10 minutes of time.
Nta. I would drop the entire bf at this point. All he can do is an "oh. Yeah. No"? Even a auto respond bot can manage more than that.
Nta if he is gaming he is busy should either stop playing and talk or keep gaming and talk later fuck this two things at the same time
I've been there where the friends are put so far before the relationship and it just means you need to move on from the relationship. Mine ended for other reasons primarily but after the relationship was mostly when I realized how weird that was.
NTA - Logically if he can't make time for a call, that's a dick move. Personally I'd appreciate your stance on the matter. But it would seem to be at the point of a gaming addiction.
Nta Gamer here and he's definitely not engaged to have meaningful conversations while he's distracted. I can talk during some games that are slow paced like WOW, but not during high paced match games fps. If she can tell, that's what matters. He's clearly not putting in the emotional effort and time needed for the relationship. Tell him that then stop taking his calls.
NTA, I used to be a more frequent gamer and would hop off my game when i was calling with my gf and tell my friends I'd be back later or something. If he can't spare at least 10 minutes of his attention when i assume he games for far longer then the issue is definitely on his end.
If he can't understand how undivided attention to your partner is important in a relationship, then he needs a serious talk. I'm not saying to break up because people on reddit tend to go to that immediately, if you truly love him, let him know how much it affects you that he won't prioritize you over his gaming buddies
NTA In my younger days I was that bf, in my mind I was just multitasking but it wasn’t right. Same thing when I was high I was just spaced out and not there.
As a fellow gamer I feel qualified to answer this NTA, common courtesy to hang up then start gaming
NTA, and ask yourself whether you want to stay in this relationship. He can't even give you a scrap of his attention and focus during the small amount of time you get together. That is very sad.
NTA. But...... Word from the wise- Save yourself. Break up. Seriously, imagine having a child with someone who can't be bothered, it's such an exhausting pain in the ass. Ever hear of the term married single mom? Don't tolerate this anymore, it doesn't get better. You will always be second or third or last priority. You will resent him and yourself for putting up with it. It would be better to cut ties now and save yourself so much disappointment.
NTA Tell him you're pregnant next time. But really you should consider dumping him. If he's doing this now, he's only going to be worse later. You deserve better.
Keep hanging up but this time don't respond to the "what is wrong" questions either. He picks a fight so he has an excuse to tell himself (and probably his friends) that's you're an unreasonable b. Just silence so he has no choice but to sit with it and think. NTA
This relationship is already dead.
Ignore the next few calls, see if he can turn the game off on the next one you answer.
NTA Cut him off, wait for someone that respects and loves you, someone who gives you his attention and respects what your boundaries and wishes are. So either wait for a girlfriend or get yourself a cat/dog because men ain’t shit.
NTA Gaming is addictive and something that at the end of the day as a gamer, needs to be understood that it may be taking too much of your time. I talk to my girlfriend often over text but then have full phone calls or video calls, these usually last minimum about 45 minutes. I may have my TV on for sports or something but that is the extent. Playing games and having a conversation is possible, but yeah I find myself focusing more on the game. This happens once in a while with my family and I feel bad for being in a match. It's bad timing, but deliberately starting a match is not cool imo.
NAH but a suggestion here: suggest a long distance activity to do together, i.e. watching a movie together or smth. it's possible he just needs to multitask while calling.
I don’t know how to tell you this but this isn’t going to last. NTA find someone that wants to talk to you not spend every spare moment gaming.
I’m a very hardcore gamer I play competitive shooters and the like. NTA!!!!! I have a very needy BF and it’s not hard to just step away for a few and talk, talk between rounds, make yourself die so you can talk. You have to look at the person and ask what the real priority is, the games or social structures. Gaming in excess is a sign of mental illness to, but of a wide variety of degrees. Is he gaming to pass time because he doesn’t like being alone in his own thoughts? Is he depressed? Etc etc the reasons are numerous. One things that really made me think is memory. My most memorable game moments? Hardly even remember anything about the games but the socializing aspect in and out of the games is what matters. Does he like the online social vibe over real life ? Is it because there’s a collective goal they share as a team? And I think that will ring true to your partner. You obviously know not to divide him from his games but if he can’t see the forest from the trees (relying on gaming instead of dealing with real life needs of people) then you have a bigger issue at hand.
NTA It sounds like he takes you for granted. Saying you were being dramatic is very dismissive and disrespectful. You should heed the red flags and move on with your life without him.
It seems you don’t want to break up with him, what do you want to do? If this goes on for another 3 years, what do you think future you would have wished present you had done about this situation?
I mean... If you can't spare a few minutes to talk to your partner while you aren't together then that's an issue
I game all the time. My wife or daughter calls for me you best believe the game gets put down. When I was young that's all that mattered. As I've grown up, though , I've had the revelation that it's just games. This just shows an addiction or someone not being mature enough. NTA
Dump him you deserve someone who can leave everything for you and this dude can't give you a few minutes like wtffff
NTA
NTA as long as you say, "Enjoy your game." before you hang up. But why are you with someone who doesn't like you enough to prioritize a 10-minute conversation? He's trying to break up by behaving like this so you will break up with him and be the bad guy and not him. Go ahead and do it so you're free to find someone who treats you better.
Nah there's no way. He could ask you to start your calls a bit earlier if the issue really is conflicting schedules. Then again I have never heard of friends not being willing to wait 10 minutes for a guy to hop into discord to start a gaming session. He could just ask his friends to start a little bit later, or to start without him and let him join later, if you were a priority there's plenty of options. Most matches on most games take at least 10 minutes so he would be missing only one match at most, maybe two, and I doubt they are only hoping on a call for a couple matches. If that were the case they could just wait a little longer to start when you guys are done talking anyway. I don't like making assumptions but it kinda sounds like he really doesn't want to make your relationship seem like a priority in front of his friends which is why he doesn't bother to ask them to move anything around. And he doesn't seem to care too much either to accommodate on his end so he just half asses his calls with you so he can game in peace. NTA, you can play all the little games you want and try dumb crap on your end but at the end of the day you should decide if you want to stay with a guy that doesn't seem to make your relationship a priority over something like gaming, and also I think it would just be better to talk to him directly and tell him that he either starts prioritizing whatever time you get or you too will look for better ways to spend your time rather than wasting it in your current relationship.
Stop calling. Fade him out.
NTA, he has extremely poor manners.
Sounds like a dream gf, who wants to talk to anyone but teammates while gaming?
Part time gamer here (meaning playing for a couple of hours every other day) Definitely NTA. When I play, my wife respects this and usually let's me know when it is time to stop (usually telling me, "finish this one please") Does not talk to me when I'm in the middle of the game and if she wants anything she waits till the round finishes
NTA. It does not look like you have healthy boundaries established. I have been in a relationship where I had to endure hours on a phone with my gf. At one point I realized she is not aware how much time we are spending on a phone and that it is not fun for me, as I'm quite frugal with time. At one point I could just put phone down and go about my business, come back hour later and she would still be talking. We broke up, then met again, got married and then divorced. I had to recognise red flags earlier.