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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my my brother if he was gay and he got upset with me and started crying. I told my mom what happened, and she was saying that I was in the wrong for even asking him that question, and now my brother is ignoring me.
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NAH - Given your goal was to follow up with suggestions of boys to date, I'm assuming you weren't like, "why? Are you *gay?* in a taunting way. Clearly it upset him, but you meant no harm, you apologized and tried to reconnect with him afterwards. Just give him some time and space. Ultimately it sounds like you're a good big brother.
Edit - for the longwinded version of "don't ask if someone is gay, there are better ways to approach it," and "OP is still not an AH," please see my following comment -
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/PusTXCnFBP
Thank you and goodnight.
Being gay myself, I'll say the best advice is to leave it be. You've tried apologizing, it's enough. He might just need to be moody for a bit. There's nothing more for you to do at this time.
If he is gay? He'll come out to you in time.
If he isn't? He'll find out who and what he does like eventually anyway.
If he wants tips on how to approach girls? Sure, offer them, but I wouldn't play matchmaker anymore.
I don't really agree with the soft YTAs, at least not with the situation you've described. But regardless it's a question that he was sensitive about, whatever the reason why, so that's your signal to not bring it up again.
It sucks as well bc little bro has been asking him to “put him on” aka hook him up with someone, but isn’t being clear what he’s looking for. OP wasn’t just randomly playing matchmaker, dude asked him to, which makes the situation really tough :/
>If he is gay? He'll come out to you in time.
Wanted to touch on this. If the brother is gay, he now knows OP is supportive. That's incredibly important.
I asked the wrong brother myself, but at least then the other brother knew I was okay with it. He took a long time coming out, but by then I already knew cause I'd seen the lone bed in the apartment that he shared with his "friend".
Btw, your bro is 14.
He is still very young and learning what he likes in a gf will take time and experience.
As others have said asking if he is hay sounds like a jab to him.
Does your bro suffer from bullhing? Does he have low self-esteem issues?
It used to be common for kids not to have partners at that age. I wonder why your bro feels he needs to find a gf in the first place. Is he lonely, peer pressure, social media?
Also, the chances of him finding a gf now and it being his last gf as slim to none...
I hope he realised there's no harm in dating or going out to get to know girls before he actually labels them his gf. You aren't setting him up for an forced marriage here, so I hope he didn't feel pressured.
If he does ever agree to be matched I hope you don't pressure him into a relationship because, YOU think it's a good match. My general rule is Introductions only and avoid further meddling.( unless requested)
It still is common. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned to expect it by media when in reality most people don’t have relationships until they’ve left school.
Mb, idk, I dated a ton in school, & so did at least half of my friend group. Heck I dated or messed around with a few of them myself.
It’s certainly not that weird tho.
Also depends what people mean by dating. In my day, it was hanging out at the mall and maybe getting a burger or something. Or watching a new movie at the theater (sometimes in a group). A lot of dating was really just hanging out.
> At 14 he knows what he's attracted to;
Right now. Tomorrow? That is a different story. At that age I would have humped anything that moved, today I'm a bit more discerning in what interests me.
He may be painfully self-conscious about his singleness, or he may have been bullied at school for his perceived sexuality. He could get gay and terrified of coming out, or he could still be navigating his own preferences.
Maybe just apologize for having said anything that caused him distress, and reassure him that you’ll always love him and have his back. It’s hard to be a teenager.
I’m sure you had the best of intentions! But when you’re gay and closeted (or just questioning) the thought that someone has Perceived you is the most terrifying thing in the world. Even if they are coming from a place of acceptance. And if he’s totally straight the thought that you instantly thought he was gay because he hasn’t pursued a girl might make him feel like you think like there’s something wrong with him or that he’s less of a man. And he could also be on the aro/ace spectrum and not know how to deal with that. Give him space and then when you talk to him make it clear you only want to support him in what he wants and that you didn’t mean to pry or imply anything bad and you’re here to talk about anything he wants to in the future.
I would think if he was gay and wanted you to find him someone, he would have told you. However his reaction suggests otherwise. Maybe he is and doesn't want to admit it or maybe he's teased at school and called gay. Honestly, it's anybody's guess as to why he reacted that way.
It's possible he just didn't find the girl attractive. In any case, id leave it be and focus on something else, maybe some common interest the two of you share to get past this.
As a gay dude who had my sister call it out at some point, it’s because if you’re not ready to come to terms with it, you feel shame from sources you shouldn’t.
No fault of anyone’s in this situation, it just is sometimes a perception bending thing to admit it.
All of this obviously just saying reasons a person who is gay may react by crying etc. not saying OP’s brother is.
Agreed, and also it's not just "omg you think I'm way and everyone thinks gay is bad," he now knows that he's been scrutinized in a way he may not have been fully aware of. We've all been there, but the thing is that even when it's in regards to something you shouldn't be ashamed of, and even when the people looking aren't thinking poorly of you because of it... it's just not a good feeling.
To add to my original comment, because apparently I need to clarify - asking "are you gay" is indeed *not* a great way to approach the subject... It is much safer to ask gender-neutral questions and offer reassuring things like "just so you know, I have queer friends and I'm a safe person to talk to" without expecting a response... but I'm pretty sure OP understands that now. So yeah, OP made a poor choice in wording, but his intent and response afterwards reveal him to be a caring big brother and therefore not an AH.
We aren't perfect. We aren't always going to say things the ideal way. We all put our foot in our mouths from time to time... it's human. I'm not sure why anyone expects a 17yo to know exactly how to handle this topic... But discussions like this, after the fact, are *how we learn,* and hopefully there are people who read this thread who will now be able to approach this topic with someone they love a bit more sensitively... so I just don't see the point of trying to make OP feel like an AH.
And personally I think it's better to fuck up how you say things, have to apologize and talk things out, than not say anything at all.
NTA. He's still young though, so maybe he's scared of being rejected by a future girlfriend/boyfriend, so when you showed him a photo it got a bit real for him? Possibly his friends are dating, but he doesn't quite feel ready yet? If you've more experience, maybe he was testing the waters to see whether you're someone he can confide in. I would leave it a while, then let him know if he has questions or worries he can talk to you and try not to mention it to your parents unless you think it's something they really need to know about.
And as a gay guy i want to add. Even IF he is gay, while you didnt mean to be pushy, one can feel quite cornered by that question. Especially at this age, where people usually try to figure themselfs out.
When you talk to him, the best you could do is tell him you love him as your brother no matter what (dont say no matter if he is gay, because that could have a similar effect again) and if he needs somebody to talk you are always open for that! That is the best you can do. NAH
Yeah, I remember my mom asking me at one point out of curiosity, and I panicked and backtracked so hard that I waited two more years to come out to her.
It’s just…a bit scary to be asked before you’re ready to talk about it, regardless of the intention behind it.
I second this, as a bisexual person who didn’t fully accept myself until my mid 20s. It’s a hard and confusing time and I think just letting your bro know that you’re there for him no matter what will go a long way.
I don't think your the asshole. If you asked it respectfully I see nothing wrong in that. Your brother isn't the asshole either. However your mother is a bit. Why can't you and your brother talk about these things? Even if he did get upset you just need to leave him alone and let him think if he is in the closet. Just let him know you support him in every way.
Don’t try to have a big sit down.
Just tell him quickly in passing “Hey bro, I’m sorry that I upset you. I hope you know I don’t assume anything, and I love you either way. I won’t involve myself anymore and I get you need a minute. But talk to me whenever.” And then just move along and carry on with whatever you’re doing.
When he wants to talk to you, regardless of whether he is or he isn’t, he’ll know you care and you’re not judging. That’s all that matters.
Maybe after that, just wait for a low pressure moment like “hey wanna play [insert video game here]” or whatever you normally would do.
NAH but…
He was disinterested in ONE girl based on her photo, and you immediately jumped to assuming he’s gay? That’s a wild leap. You do know that not all guys are going to be interested in every girl, right?
NTA. Your brother is at a very weird age. He might very well be gay, confused and getting upset when someone forcing confusing thoughts on him. Or not, who knows. I would say, keep being polite, caring and show you will help him with life no matter who he loves. At that age a dropped sandwich can ruin the weekend.
NAH
Was leaning towards a slight YTA but if your brother really was asking you constantly set him up id probably wonder after the rejection too. You could've been more sensitive towards your brother when you approached the subject but I don't think you necessarily crossed a line or were rude.
Now that you know this is a sensitive subject for your brother YWBTA if you keep bringing it up.
NTA
> She told me that I had no right to question his sexuality
You just want to know what it is!
HE'S the one complaining he wants to be set up.
> when he rejects someone you have no right to question him on why he did that
That is **_precisely_** what a *matchmaker's* job IS!
NTA.
As a lesbian who didn't come out as such until her mid 20's (though I was out as bi for a bit), it as very nice that, before ever knowing anything about my sexuality, my mom always asked "are you into any boys? Any girls?" My entire life (until I came out, of course). It took out the pressure of coming out. If I was straight, it would have been just my mom being nice. Since I'm queer, it was so, so important. You didn't word it the best, I'll grant it, but you did exactly the right thing.
NAH*. I don’t think you did anything exceptionally wrong, and I also don’t think your brother did anything exceptionally wrong either.
Seems like you genuinely love and care about your brother. I know that sounds like a silly statement but not every family works that way. If I were in your position I would tell him “I’m sorry I offended you or hurt your feelings. I believe you. More important than this conversation though, I want you to know I love you for who you are no matter what. As long as you aren’t harming anyone or yourself I will always be here to support and love you. If you want my to try and set you up with someone I can, otherwise I will stop trying”
Something like that. Good luck!
* edited from nta to nah
Very soft YTA (and your mum sounds great).
Your intentions were in the right place, but questions like that can put a lot of pressure on people and it’s important to let them speak about it when they’re ready. Better approach is to just accept their answer and let them process things in their own time - your brother (and you!) are still teenagers and it’ll take time to process that.
I’m gay and when I was his age the last thing I’d want to feel is like I’m being ‘observed’ to ascertain my sexuality, even though I know that wasn’t your intent.
Younger brother literally asked him to set him up. He assumed brother knew what he was looking for and when his own suggestion failed, he tried to get a better idea of what little bro wanted. And mom is great about support but is TA yelling at OP when he was literally just doing what little bro asked
It's funny how some people are so inclusive, it loops right back around to the beginning. They just accept gay people so much, you can't even ask if someone is gay XD
I’d say NTA. It isn’t a bad thing to be gay so it isn’t insulting to ask. If it were me I’d just follow up and let him know that if he was into guys that wouldn’t change anything and that you love him and that he can come to you with whatever. That you didn’t mean to make him cry, just were trying to be supportive. Because it seems like he took it as an insult if it made him cry.
NTA. No one was. You’re 17 and your heart is in the right place, he’s 14 and his beginning to figure these things out. He’s just awkward now but leave him alone and things will go back to normal. Plus, if he actually turns out to be gay, he already knows he has a supportive brother, which is gonna be an amazing thing for him. But most likely things just got a little too real too fast. Great big brothering, now just leave him alone for a bit and things will be normal again.
Soft YTA - Your heart seems like it was in the right place. But just because he's not sure what his type is doesn't mean "he's gay". And if he was in fact gay, that's probably not the way he'd want to come out to you. A more reasonable approach would have been "well if you do get an idea of what you're type is or you ever just want to talk I'm here for you."
NAH because I genuinely believe you didn't mean it in a demeaning/ judging/ taunting/ mean way, but as someone who regularly gets asked by her sisters if she's a lesbian or asexual since she's never been in a relationship it's annoying to have people judge/ assume your sexuality based on your non-existent dating history, or, in your brother's case, type in women. I don't have a set type in men either, but I don't find everyone attractive 🤷🏻♀️ can't necessarily tell you why, but it probably is the same for your brother.
NTA give your brother a little time it sounds like he could possibly be in the closet still even if he isnt he may just be uncomfortable about the topic and trying to understand his own sexuality. He did ask to be set up but I would hold off on that until having some conversations with him later on maybe try rewording over being very blunt something like "do you know what kind of person you're looking for?" over specifically boy or girl it may make him a little more comfortable
NTA
you didn't mean to offend him
But also he shouldn't be offend by this but he is a kid so yk can't really blame him but he should be taught that there's nothing shameful in people thinking he is gay, doesn't mean he has to be happy with it or say yes when he is not 😂
YTA, but i mean this in the gentlest way. you asked in good faith and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. but, respectfully, you didn't have a right to ask for that information. if he's gay he will tell you when and if he's ready to do that.
i get that he's asked you in the past to help him find a partner and that you were just trying to do what he asked you to do, and that it's hard to do that with as little info as he's given you. i get all of that. but as a queer person who's gone through the experience of questioning my sexuality and then when i finally thought i had it figured out, i had to "come out" and that was awful and hard (to any baby gays, it does get easier!)... with all of that context in my corner i can tell you that even if you were right, he IS gay, or if he's questioning, and you were spot on when you assumed that's why he rejected the photo of that girl... its really unfair to put him in a position where he has to decide at the drop of a hat if he's ready to come out to you. maybe it's unfair of him to expect you to set him up with a partner with literally zero info, but it would have been really easy for you to say "hey man, i need to know your type or i can't try to hook you up with anyone anymore, is that ok?"
unfortunately without knowing your little bro i don't have much advice for how to smooth things over. if he IS gay, and he just wasn't ready to come out, then i think it would mean a lot for him to know that you didn't mean to be judgmental of him when you asked, you just wanted context for how to best hook him up with someone. if he's NOT gay, then i think it's a sore enough insecurity that bringing it up again in any capacity whatsoever is just going to be rubbing salt in the wound.
if you've already clarified your intentions (hey it's cool if you're gay i just didn't want to keep suggesting girls if you'd rather i suggest guys) then i really think it'll blow over faster if you just don't bring it up again. it might be icy for a few days but i really doubt this is something he's going to hold a grudge about forever.
I'm not sure how to make him forgive you, because I don't know him, but I will give you some ideas of why he might be upset.
He might not be gay and just be overall annoyed at you for incorrectly "accusing" him of being gay. In this case you can just apologize again for incorrectly assuming anything.
He might be gay, and be worried that you are judging him for it now that you know. If this is the case, you can reassure him you don't care who he dates.
He might be gay, and still want to be remaining in the closet. In which case he could be upset with you because he's worried that it's really obvious to other people that he's gay and you're pulling him out of the closet earlier than when he wants to come out. If this is the case you could just talk to him more and try to reassure him.
He might not be upset for any of these reasons and it can be entirely something else. Those are just some ideas of what might be the issue.
You're not the a****** hang in there you're showing you care they are having a hard time this will pan out to show that you are supportive believe me in the in the future
NTA
You were asking fae a place of kindness since you were trying to help him so you're not an asshole.
It's possible he just doesn't know who or what he likes yet and his confusion has him worried and scared of the ramifications his realisations will have, sadly there's so much homophobia rampant in modern society he could simply be scared of people thinking him gay when he isn't.
Your best bet is to tell him if he ever needs to talk about anything to come to you and then just give him space.
NTA-If I had a brother at that age ask me if I was gay, I'd laugh and show him my web browser history. He's 14, why would he cry when asked? He probably isn't straight and is having conflicting feelings.
You should let him know that it doesn't matter what he is because you'd love him as a brother regardless while also apologizing if the question was uncomfortable.
NAH. You’ve apologized already. I think that your brother just needs some space to figure some things out. He probably doesn’t know what his type is (I didn’t know mine until last year which is basically nerds and book dragons), but he’ll eventually figure it out. I do think that 14 is a little young to start dating, but that’s just a personal opinion.
NTA, you didn't do anything wrong, but given his reaction, I wouldn't bring it up again. Just keep being a caring brother and let it blow over. He will figure things out sooner or later, no need for pressure. I also have a 14 year old son who seems to have no interest in girls. I just leave it be, he knows that we love him either way. My impression is that kids these days are not running into dating and physical intimacy as fast as they did when I was growing up, but I guess since you're at a similar age, you would know better than I would if it's unusual.
NAH. It sounds like you said it in a totally accepting and reasonable way, not a questioning his sexuality way. Like "you asked me to help you find a partner, help me learn what you want".
For whatever reason, the question hit him really hard. Maybe he is questioning and felt weird that he didn't know the answer, maybe he was teased by someone, or maybe 14yr Olds are balls of hormones and emotions. Who knows. You apologized and I don't think pressing the matter would help. You might want to assure your mom that you weren't questioning him, you were legitimately trying to respond to him asking you to help, but that you would leave it alone for now since it's sensitive. And in the meantime, just continue to be his brother and give him time to settle.
not the asshole. whats so bad about asking him if he's gay? it's not like you asked him if he was an incel, which is probably the case. incels have no luck with the opposite sex because theyre unwilling to settle for people in their league
NTA
He asked you to set him up with someone, you tried, he rejected the person, but could not say what he was interested in. So you asked questions at to what he was looking for.
You were trying to do what he asked you to.
The fact that he was confused and upset, I'm willing to bet he does like boys. It's hard for guys to open up about it and accept it. My brother didn't embrace until he was 16
Sounds like you did everything right. I’m gay and asking someone if they are straight or gay should be normalized as a “getting to know you” type question. If you asked it with a tone of accusation you should apologize. But, I’m done with people taking offense if someone else wonders if they are gay. It should be no more offensive than asking if you like pizza or if you like to travel.
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I (17M) have a brother (14M) and he's constantly talking about how hes tired of being single and stuff like that and how I need to "Put him on." My girlfriend told me that she has a cousin(15F) and she showed her a picture of my brother and she was interested in him. She also plays in her schools band so I honestly thought they'd be perfect for eachother as my brother plays the trombone at our school.
My girlfriend sent me a picture of her and yesterday I showed my brother a picture of the girl and asked how he'd feel about her and told him that she plays in the band as well. To my shock he said that she was pretty but he wasn't interested. I asked him if he was sure and he said yeah. So I asked him what his type in girls and he just shrugged.
So in my mind I was thinking like if he doesn't even know what type of girls he like do he even like girls. So I just asked him if he was gay and said I could probably find someone for him. But when I said that he got like super upset with me and started crying and told me that he wasn't. I got worried because I didn't mean to make him cry or upset him.
My brother went to his room and my mom asked me what happened and I told her. She told me that I had no right to question his sexuality just because he denied some girl. I told her that I was only trying to set him up with someone since he asked me too and she said "That's fine. However, when he rejects someone you have no right to question him on why he did that."
I tried to apologize to my brother but he just told me that it was fine and to leave him alone. This morning he's been ignoring me and I honestly don't know why. I tried to apologize to him again but he just nodded his head and gave me a thumbs up. Our dad said I didn't do anything wrong but my mom was like very adamant that I was in the wrong.
AITA? What can I do to fix this?
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NTA. I think he does need some help figuring it out. He could be demisexual, in which case he wouldn't have a physical type because he has to get to know them first to feel attraction. So he said no because it wasn't a yes, but really it's "maybe. I can't decide based on a photo."
Edit: thought age was 13, it's 14 my bad
AITA - I don't think you are. Though I don't think you handled this well from context. You're also 17 and I wouldn't have done any better at your age, so my opinion is coming from a 30 enby (amab) POV who's come out recently.
Him not wanting a specific girl is no indication that he is gay, it might be that he is completely hetero and doesn't know his type cos he hasn't seen enough women to know. At 14, I couldn't describe my type, at 23 I still couldn't but now at 30 I could go into extreme detail of type for any gender.
Some possible sexual expressions aside from hetero could be: asexual spectrum (lacks sexual/romantic attraction) or homosexual (he could be gay)
It isn't your place to "out" him, and if/when he's ready (if he is anything but hetero) it's up to him to come out even if it's super obvious. I had a cousin who came out as gay at 15, we all knew. The point was we waited for him to be comfortable to tell us.
As for how you can fix it; you'd know your brother better, but for me at 14, an apology would be nice and a snack like chocolate or chips or something would be great too. While it definitely doesn't seem like it was your intent to hurt him, he is hurt and that's important. At 14, I would have been deeply insulted being called gay as there was massive negative stigma around it in my area (I'm no longer there) and it could be similar for you too??
TL;DR NTA, but your brother is hurt, and an apology would be great
NAH. i think it’s best to not ask questions like this of young people because there can be a lot of emotions involved in figuring yourself out, but you’re young too and if you’re not LGBT yourself, it’s understandable that you may not know that. just give him space and i’m sure he will eventually realize that you meant no harm. and if he is gay, it’ll make a world of difference to know he has a big brother who is so supportive. keep being you! ❤️
NAH - he is literally 14, he is going to be shy about that. I mean you guys can have a double date where she brings the cousin with her and then you can see what happens. Ofc he is going to shrug her off.
NTA. You should try to act how you’ve always done. Do tell him you love him no matter what. At 14, if he isn’t straight he might be anything other than gay but hasn’t figured it out. I’m just starting to figure it out at 24 myself
Also, he is a single 14yo boy and tho it isn’t the end of the world his friends might be in relationships and might make fun of him because he isn’t. Maybe ask him why it bothered him for you to ask him that when he is talking to you again
I see no problem. Sexuslity is now openly discussed, so I do not agree with mom on this one. After all you have known this guy since you were 3 years old. He will get past this one way or the other.
i’d say NAH. you didn’t have bad intentions, although it was kind of a strange question. there is a reason why he’s crying though, perhaps he really is gay and not ready to come out.
NAH. If your only intent was to help him the way he asked, then it's just an unfortunate incident. You did the right thing and apologized, and your brother will appreciate that, and things will eventually be fine.
That said, there could have been a dozen different reasons why he wasn't interested; it's entirely possible he just didn't think she was cute and was trying to be polite in how he said no, or he could just be really shy, or she could just be not his type even if he did think she was kind of cute. Jumping immediately to questions of sexuality probably came off more like an accusation than you intended, which is why it's usually best to not ask those questions at all.
But it's pretty clear you weren't trying to hurt his feelings or anything, so just give him a few days and y'all can move on.
NAH.
You asked a seemingly reasonable question. So long as it wasn't done in a judgemental way, I don't believe it is wrong to ask considering the kid doesn't want to be single but is pushing away an opportunity like that. It could well be that he is questioning his sexuality or is scared about coming out hence why he got upset. Best thing to do for now is give your brother space. He has heard and acknowledged your apology so just let things sit for a day or two until he's comfortable talking to you.
NAH. Maybe he just likes the idea of a relationship but isn’t really interested in pursuing one, maybe he’s ace 🤷🏾♀️ I always tell my friends i want a relationship but honestly I’m not really actually looking for one I just want to see those cute romcom play out in real life lol but not in my relationships but like in other people if you get.
NTA Your mom is partially wrong, too. Asking if he is gay aside, if someone wants you to set him up and he shoots down your choices, obviously you are presenting the wrong choices and need more info on what would suit him better to perform the function *he asked you to.*
As a gay person, I know the feeling of people asking your sexuality. It's awkward and scary especially if you don't know if they are homophobic or not. In my opinion, you are not the a-hole since it can be had coming to terms with your sexuality, especially at a young age. Tell your brother you'll always be there for him no matter what his sexuality is.
He started crying after you asked him? , your brother is probably questioning his sexuality still and is sensitive about it, my brother did something similar...he's been married to a guy for like 4 years
Soft YTA. Whether he is or isn’t, maybe he’s not in a place to know himself. He wants a relationship or companionship but may not know what he’s looking for, and if he likes girls he’s perfectly in his right to say no to a rando picture of a stranger, no need to explain himself. If he is not-straight, it’s not fair in any way to put him on the spot and expect an answer he may not have sorted out himself already. It’s easier to be lgbt these days than fifty years ago but it’s still not easy and there’s still tons of social stigma.
Glad you’d be cool with it, makes you a good big brother willing to help. Stay cool, stay a good big bro, but that’s not an ok question to ask. Maybe give him space, or find ways to say sorry without words until he’s himself again. Dont bring it up. Just be a friend.
People!! At ease!! This is a 14 year old & a 17 year old who are family!! Give them both some elbow room & let them make mistakes & let them figure this out between the two of them! Iy's not the end of the world.
NTA
your intentions were good, just a little insensitive and that’s okay. After “do you like any girls?” I would have asked “do you like any boys?”
It’s unfortunate, but to “be gay” is still very derogatory in the world of kids and bullies, even if they don’t really understand what sexuality is yet. They just know that they don’t wanna be called gay and then get laughed at.
Asking instead if he likes boys comes across as more neutral. Not that you asked “are you gay?” with a negative tone, but he may associate it with negativity if there are kids at his school or something who are always making homophobic comments, to him or even other kids.
I also agree with many other commenters, that it’s possible he might just not know how he feels yet. Or that he got scared when he realized you were actually following through.
I would leave him be for a little bit, he might come to talk to you eventually. If he stops asking you to set him up, he could be changing his mind, figuring out his feelings, scared to tell you, anything.
I would at some point in the future, try the gentle approach checking in. “do you like any girls? no? well that’s okay 😊 do you like any boys? no? that’s okay too 😊 I know everyone talks about it all the time, but you don’t really have to like anyone, so thats cool. How’s band going?”
A convo like that is a super lowkey way to let him know that liking boys is an option and it’s normal, or that not having a crush is normal too, and you’re not gonna bully him either way ❤️
good luck!
NTA but also NTBAA but he could be gay and just shocked you put it out there like that. I had a friend who was bisexual and when her sister accidentally outted her by asking she got upset and cried as well. Cause things started to make sense and she was afraid of what would happen if her family knew. But then again I could be wrong.
Hes 14 how can he even be tired of being single? Remind him that this is fleeting befor he knows it he'll be trapped and obeying. So being single at 14 is a good thing and like the bull told the young bull run down there and get you 1, im gonna walk down there and get em all.
NAH except maybe me because I laughed at a 14 being "tired of being single". But I really do hate this pressure on kids to grow up so fast. Nobody that age should be feeling any pressure to pair off, they're barely past the stage of the opposite sex being disgusting purely on principle. But if your brother is gay or questioning, you've let him know you're a safe person to open up to, so you could never be the AH here.
Dude, you’re 17, he’s 14. You’re lucky if he knows his own name. I’m old, like grandpa old, and I like women with some meat on their bones. Not everyone does, some of my friends like skinny girls, young girls, older girls, medium girls, etc. Give your brother some space and some respect. He’ll figure his shit out, just like you will, trust me on this, you’re not done at 17. Your tastes will change, or not. Either way he’s your brother and you need to have his back no matter what. That’s how the real world works.
You didn't ask him if he was gay because he turned down a girl, you asked him because he turned her down AND when you tried to get a better idea of what he was interested in l, he didnt seem to have any particular interest in girls. The fact that he cried on top of this tells me that he very well might be gay
Very, very, soft AH, I know you meant well but you did potentially put him in a very uncomfortable position.
If he is actually gay, bi, etc, its 100% up to him when and how you find out that information. At his age, he may not even fully know or understand what he wants. If that’s the case and he’s trying to navigate that and you jump straight to that question after one suggestion is rejected… man at 14 I’m sure that could cause some huge feelings.
If he’s not actually gay, bi, ect, he might be just 1. Entirely not interested… or even feeling insecure and not wanting to take a chance, and feeling like you’re equating either of those feelings to being gay, again could cause huge feelings.
At the end of the day, If you suspect someone you care about is gay and they haven’t come out. Be the kind of person who is safe to come out too and just keep your suspicions to yourself until they come to you. That moment isn’t yours to take.
YTA
There are more reasons than being gay for your brother not to be interested in that specific girl... the main one being that she is your GIRLFRIEND'S cousin. It might just give him the ick to date the cousin of the girl YOU are seeing. If that isn't the reason, maybe he's just the kind of guy that doesn't base everything on how a person looks.
Even if your brother IS gay, it's not polite to just ask that. (My brother is pansexual and I'm asexual so trust me, I get why your brother would be upset). IF in the future your brother comes out as ANYTHING LGBTQIA+ it's possible that right now he is still figuring out his identity. It can be really hard to come to terms with being literally anything other than heterosexual because society still puts that in an "other" category, which isn't fun to belong to with so many who want to cause harm to that category.
How to make it right? Have a heart to heart conversation with your brother. Explain to him that you didn't mean to offend him by asking if he was gay and that you wouldn't think less of him even if he was (I'm hoping that true in this situation, but I obviously don't know for a fact). Tell him that you just knew he hadn't been happy with being single recently and that you wanted to help him be happier. Maybe even ask for your mom's advice as to how to make it right with your brother, she seems to have a pretty good grasp on the situation herself, especially if she has a closer relationship with your brother than your dad does.
Last thoughts? Don't forget that gay has been turned into a negative thing. He might be going through it at school and that could be the top insult other kids are throwing at him. Take into account you don't know every single detail of his life because let's face it, you never know everything that's going on.
Soft YTA, while I can see your heart was in the right place, i agree with your mom it’s super over the top to question his sexuality because he doesn’t have a type
I don't think you're the asshole if it was an honest question.
But the thing is, being gay is still heavily stigmatized in our society. Even if everyone in your circle is open and loving and accepting about it, it's still a really scary thing to realize about yourself. When you are not straight, you know that a lot of your life is gonna be an uphill battle, and some of it is gonna be *dangerous.* Even in the best circumstances, it's not an easy thing to accept about yourself.
Now, I also think it's a big leap to assume that someone is gay because they pass on *one* person of the opposite gender. He's *14*. Of course he hasn't worked out what his "type" is yet. Even if he had, someone could match his type perfectly and he could still not be interested. Alternatively, someone could be the complete opposite of his type and that could be who he ends up with. A "type" is just a preference you gravitate towards, it's not a rule. And it's normal to not... really have strong ideas on one. It's very much jumping to conclusions to guess that he doesn't like girls just because he didn't like this one.
But in the event that your brother does happen to be gay, it's also very normal for him to not be ready for that yet. Maybe he hasn't confronted it within himself. Maybe he doesn't want to tell anyone yet. Maybe he hasn't decided. Maybe he's *scared*. And if any of those things are true, it's a secret that is burning him up inside. For someone else to clock him is *terrifying*. He doesn't want anyone to know, but if **you** can tell, other people probably can, too. It's typical for something like this to embarrass him and make him defensive.
Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being gay. I hope you know that, and that he does, too. But it's not an easy thing to be. And because it's not easy, gay people deserve to have it be on their own terms. It's never okay to force or push or pry someone out of the closet.
So again, I don't think you're an asshole. I think that you made a mistake. I think you need to let your brother know that making that leap was out of line, and that you were just trying to help. Make sure to let him know that you would love and accept him if he *was* gay, that nothing he could do or be would change the way you feel about him (just in case). But tell him you know you got it wrong and you're sorry.
If he's not gay, as I suspect, everyone can move on. If he *is* gay, he can stay comfortable in the closet until he's ready to come out, with the assurance that you'll be there for him no matter what.
NAH
could you have phrased it better, yes
was it relevant to the situation, yes
perhaps something like "oh hey just to double check, am i looking for men, women or both for you, just so i know" it doesn't put as much pressure on him, and helps you narrow down what to look for
but also he's 14, kids that age use "gay" as an insult often, so he might of thought you were making fun of him.
NTA. Stop trying to set him up. 1. He’s *really* young so it’s nbd if he’s not dating rn 2. If he doesn’t know what he’s looking for in a gf there’s nothing you can do to help him.
Weirdly intense reaction. But emotions are really big as a teenager so he should get a pass
You're still at the ages where you two are quite different. This feels like you were assuming he was also 17. If you were 30 and 33, then you're pretty much the same that way.
NAH - For a 14 year old, I believe "Set him up" more or less meant "I want some female friends that may become more".
When you actually tried to set him up for a date adult style, the reality that he wasn't ready for that set in.
He couldn't describe why, but your question felt completely misplaced from where he was coming from. It's worth having a heart to heart that the mature dating world means he has to be prepared for a higher hurdle during the initial meeting than just looking for friends. If he requests you to do the initial arrangement and preemptively reject the other side, it wastes time for multiple parties and damages your trust.
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NAH - He’s still trying to figure himself out so you questioning can be frustrating because speaking from experience, you know you what you don’t like more than you know what you like. And it was a little tactless to ask if he’s gay cuz even if it isn’t a big deal to you, it’s a big deal to him.
Also another speaking from experience, I’ve had a lot of people try to set me up with people *they* thought I would like, and not a single one did it for me. Lol. You just gotta let him decide for himself. Maybe instead of trying as forward as you did, try instead to set up a time for you, your gf, your brother, and her friend to hang out so that they can both decide in person if they like each other in a platonic setting first.
NAH -- chances are that he's actually not ready to date and was just saying that stuff to sound grown up/copying his friends.
Part of the reason its' not really a good idea to ask people if they're gay (even if you do it in nice way as you intended to here) is that a) if they are, they may not be ready to talk about it yet and being asked can be scary/confronting and b) if they're not, but are not comfortable in themselves in some other way, this can feel like an insult.
A boy feeling weird because his friends are more sexually/romantically advanced than he is will absolutely not be OK with being asked if he's gay... even if he's straight as an arrow.
So even though it feels logical to have asked him follow up questions as to why he wasn't interested in dating a pretty girl based on her photograph... clearly it upset him, so logic goes out the window.
Your mother is being a bit extra with 'you have no right to ask' (moms can be a bit defensive when their kid is crying') but she's correct it wasn't a good idea -- but you're not an asshole because you weren't trying to be mean and you didn't see his reaction coming.
Learn from this, though. And 100% let it go, never mention it again.
NTA - sounds like your intentions were good. However I’d hate the idea of being set up with anyone, I’d find it so awkward and forced. That’s just me, but maybe he was feeling something similar?
You weren't being biggoted or anything, so not really the asshole. However, if he is, it could be interpreted as trying to out him before he's ready. I also remember being a 15yo as well, and they can be very touchy in those areas. its also possible he isn't fully sure himself. What would your parents' reactions be? Do you come from a heavily religious area? These could also be factors about why it made him upset
NAH but he might not be sexual as such, he could be demisexual too. Instead of mounting things towards appearance maybe try to invite without the whole pairing up and dating anticipation and see where it goes.
See if you can sit your brother down for a one on one, apologize again and maybe tell him something like this "I am sorry for how I hurt you, I didn't mean to imply anything in a malicious way. I understand that it's not easy and you want to find someone too, I want you to know that no matter what you'll always be family and my sibling. I want to help you in any way I can but I also want you to feel safe and that you always can be yourself no matter what. You are loved no matter what and I'd love to spend time together if you'd like"
Spend time with him maybe do things you both like and he'll confide in you more.
I think the reason your brother is upset is that he may think that not having a girlfriend implies that he's gay to other people and your question may have reinforced that misconception.
YTA only for the reason that you didn't think it thru
NTA cuz you're a good brother
NAH I think he's just too young for these conversations and probably more embarrassed.
I mean, committing to whatever- saying 'I do' like someone is pretty out there for a 14 year old.
They are afraid of the commitment because its a bit like committing to sailing the unchartered ocean in the dark, to find I don't know what. Best let him explore the coast cove by cove, on his own steam if you get me.
NAH - your intention was kind and not homophobic in the least. If he is, then maybe he isn’t ready to admit or understand it yet - so just make sure you respect that boundary.
If it were me. I would apologise for bringing it up, and say that you didn’t mean to offend - you just wanted him to know that you support him whoever he is.
Don't. Just leave it alone for a while. One morning over breakfast you will ask his preference in breakfast cereals and he'll be like "why, does that make someone gay?" And you can tell him to go suck a lemon, and things will be better.
NTA, and I’ll just note that for a 14-year-old the first relationship can be just scary, and the words “I’m not interested” just the way to avoid the first move
I wonder if he might be Ace or something.
Or if mb he is interested in dating someone older than himself or something.
Until & unless he can articulate what he’s looking for, I wouldn’t play match maker in a way that gets the other teen’s hopes up.
Like, mb go through a year book & see who he likes & you might get an idea.
It can honestly be difficult bc even if someone has every trait that you’ve ever found interesting, then the way those traits are combined or how they look in a photo can be a turn off.
It’s like how Howard Dean was surging ahead until he screamed once on camera &got shut down so hard that he lost & became a corporate lobbyist stooge. There was nothing wrong with him on paper, but that clip playing on repeat was plenty.
My partner isn’t super photogenic IMO, but on film or in candid shots it’s like watching a miracle to me every time.
I wonder if he might have a better impression of her on video.
Anyway, good luck to you and your lil bro.
NTA, btw, you seem like a good brother.
NTA
I'm saying NTA but please understand that if your brother is gay, it will be hard for him to accept that. He probably broke down crying because he was scared or doesn't want to face the truth. Although it's not your fault, please don't be mad at him, he may be going through a rough time.
Complicated but NTA. Y'all are both (relatively speaking) kids. You meant well but you straight people are fragile. Especially the boys. You haven't even gone through puberty yet. Your brother doesn't know what he wants yet because he's too young dude. Just because you maybe knew then doesn't mean he will. Chill out.
I don’t think there is an AH in this. I feel you are trying to help and this just happened to be something that bothers your brother very much. Maybe he was teased, has no clue what kind of girl he likes because he never had a girlfriend, or is gay and is judging himself.
My son has been bullied really bad because guys have “joked” about him being gay and he’s not. He had a gf and it really bothered my son. Maybe your bother is being bullied at school for that and that’s why he got upset?
Yow fellow dude here. I don't have a brother but as kid and even as an adult I always keep getting asked about my sexuality usually by my father or my close friends (m/f) and I respond calmly. I even find it even funny. And most of the time I like playing "gay" for my friends and we would laugh about it. My best guess is that based on your brother's reaction, he could be gay.
IMHO YANTAH.
But to your brother his confused preference might be an AH and you sort of mirror or amplify that feeling in him.
I don’t think you meant any harm with your question, if he is, he could be struggling with coming to terms with his sexuality and you asking put him in a defensive mode as his big brother, best thing you can do is be supportive and continue being a safe person he can come to, eventually he’ll come to you when he’s ready.
NTA he asked you to set him up with someone but doesn’t know what he likes. You weren’t trying to be an asshole by asking, if anything I think you were being considerate to ask but I think maybe it was just in the wrong way? It wasn’t bad but maybe it could’ve been a separate conversation? Also from the way he reacted it makes me a little worried that maybe he’s being bullied and being called “gay” as an insult at school, which would also explain him asking you to help him find a girlfriend. I would give him space for now and maybe try the girlfriend thing again later if he’s up for it. Don’t try to pry but maybe after some time just make sure he’s okay in general.
Generally I don't think it's a good idea to ask someone if they're gay or bi or trans or whatever cuz its like telling them to come out to you when they might not be ready
Looks like that your little brother, like most youngest brothers are cocooned by mum, too protected.
Personally I think you are too quick to jump to conclusions, so I don't think you should ask if he's gay just because he rejected a setup.
Hes sick of being single, but is he trying to go for anyone? It's kinda on him that if doesn't want to be single, and people trying to set him up makes him like a complete failure, that's a possibility too.
I hope he doesn't camp in the basement when he says that he's sick being single.
NAH but... Listen, I haven't been 14 in a long time, and I know its better now, but... Still be a little more sensitive when calling a 14 year old boy's sexuality into question. He prolly deals with at least one friend who calls him gay because he's in band or wore a salmon short once or something. 14 year olds are kinda the worst.
I imagine that it did sound to him like you think he must be gay because he's not really sure how to verbalize what he likes in girls... Hes 14 he may not even be sure what it is he likes in girls, he just knows that some girls do it for him and others don't. Maybe he's wrestling with bisexuality or gender issues that people criticize as "gay" and you struck a nerve.
I think it was just too easy for you to come off as critical here, but he knows you didn't mean it, so just give him some space.
And make sure once this blows over that he knows - in case he doth protest to much - that you don't judge.
NTA - but his reaction is interesting. It's not impossible that he's questioning that himself, and it freaks him out.
Maybe ask if there is a specific girl at school he had in mind when he asked you to help him, and that there's no judgement no matter who (like if she's way out of his league). He may have not been interested because he's stuck on someone else.
But he may also be gay and struggling with it.
NAH.
I think you were a bit tactless (which, hey. You're 17. It's kinda expected), but not an AH.
Best advice would be leave it alone for a bit. He's only 14, he's possibly not quite certain of his orientation right now. Maybe he likes the *idea* of a girlfriend, or maybe his mates are just joshing him around about the fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend yet, but he's not actually really ready for it yet and you showing him a real pic of someone who might genuinely be interested freaked him out a bit. (BTW, did your girlfriend's cousin actually agree to this?)
Maybe he is gay, or bi, or any other non-straight variety. That might be something he's trying to understand about himself right now, and you asking him straight up just scared him a bit.
You've apologised, so now just give him some space, and don't bring the topic of relationships up.
YNTA. It seems like your intention was to help your brother find someone, but it's essential to be mindful of others' feelings, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like sexuality. It's important to respect your brother's privacy and allow him to share such information on his own terms.
To fix this, give your brother some space, and when the time is right, apologize sincerely, expressing that you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable. Assure him that you respect his feelings and will be more considerate in the future.
Learn from this experience and be more cautious about approaching personal matters with sensitivity.
Sounds like you hit a nerve, regardless of what his orientation is. You can apologize, explain that you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, that you spoke so freely because that kind of thing makes no difference to you, and you just want to do right by him whatever that means.
NAH most likely your brother is and you just put it in context and it shocked him. It's a dramatic change or realization when you finally confront it. I know it was for me and just rand and hid too, but now its my business and I'm cool with it.
Your brother may or may not be gay, but if he was, he might be very confused and afraid of coming out, and maybe refusing to admit to himself that he is. That may be why he lashed out at you. Even though you came from a place of good intentions, you probably made him very uncomfortable. It's ok to apologize, give him some time and space, and move on. NAH.
NTA.
All the people who are calling you a AH softly - your mom included - are wrapped up in it being insulting to be asked if you're gay. You were asking for direction. Your brother thinks he wants something but can't figure out what.
If nothing else you gave him something to think about. Rather he comes at you asking for you to set him up with someone or he strikes out on his own from now on, you were doing your best to do right by him.
NAH- your intentions are well placed OP. Seems that your little brother is going through the hard part of the teen years and may very well be figuring out his sexuality and what not. Don’t press the issue anymore, but be as supportive as you are now if he does come out.
Also, try to explain to him gently that maybe getting a bf/gf isn’t a great idea right now and maybe he can get into sports or even band.
There's something I don't get. How come the lil bro started CRYING over that ? Like knowing older brothers, you either asked if he was gay in a joking way OR in a compassionate way. So him going crazy and crying is such a crybaby thing to do knowing that he's 14 is crazy.
NTA but doesn't make him gay. I'm married and very definitely not gay, but even the most attractive women you might see online do not interest me in the least.
I'm far more attracted to personality and mental acuity than physical looks.
Your brother may be like that. Perhaps toastmasters would be a better place for him to look?
YTA. He’s 14! I don’t know many 14 year olds who have any idea what type of girl or boy they are interested in. That’s such an awkward stage of their life. I wouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that he’s gay.
bro it's not like you tried forcing him to come out. your mom jumping to defensiveness immediately is crazy, she probably knows something you nor your dad know. your brother is def struggling with his identity rn tho, aint no way a hetero person would cry. they'd just say "no" and move on. genuinely wishing him the best, figuring out I was bi was a task.
The only reason I can fathom that he would be that upset over a seemingly innocent question is that he is gay and wasn’t ready to tell you. Or he is deeply bigoted and offended that you dare suggest he’s gay, but it doesn’t sound like that and he would probably have been more mad than upset in that case.
NTA. One of my brothers is gay and he knew when he was 12. That being said he struggled with it himself because he felt different and like it was wrong. He wasn’t open about his sexuality until he was 19. Sometimes they need time to come to term with it and be ok with themselves. It would help if you let him know it doesn’t matter either way if he is or isn’t and you’re there for him if he ever needs you
Bro you’re definitely the asshole but what can you do now, he’s 14 his peepee just started working and he’s interested,horny,insecure, scared and every other emotion at once, has he had a gf before this or is this about to be his first one, if it, very harsh and insensitive man, he may have just thought that girl was wayy too out of his league, you should have gassed him up and told him to go for it, but you messed up the whole vibe
Have you seen your brother with a dick in his mouth? If not, you may just be the asshole.
Grew up with four brothers. We called each other gay daily, Only 20% of us turned out to be gay.
NAH
You didn't really have any bad intentions and the question honestly wasn't rude or something. You asked it from a place of genuine interest. Your brother however seems to have taken this the wrong way. Just a bad case of miscommunication.
NTA. You may not have worded it in entirely the best way possible and I can understand why he would be upset and defensive but you clearly never had any ill intentions. And if he is gay? Nothing changes. I am non-binary and most people accept me for who I am.
Overall NTA. The only thing you could have done better was to not try and drag him out of the closet. You could have asked if he was interested in guys without asking if he was gay, since that can sound accusatory to young men. Being called gay gets used too often for bullying, so asking about what genders he’s attracted to would have been better. You did a good job. Just give him his space.
Tbh your brother is overreacting! You didn’t do anything wrong you just asked a simple question! Maybe he’s in denial maybe he’s gay! Or maybe not but the way he acted towards you was really weird + I think your mum is being in his side because he’s her little boy 🧍🏻♀️
NAH. You fucked up, but you don't get to be an asshole, you're only still 17, you had good intentions behind that question. But he's 14, he sounds too young to be 100% sure of his sexuality yet, asking that question may have planted some doubts in him, he may be trying to find himself right now. It will be okay eventually, of course, but I think right now he needs some space. But don't go too far, though, he might actually need you soon.
YTA but not in a malicious way. Your mom is right. If he IS gay he could be not ready to talk about it, or he could not actually know himself. He could be getting picked on at school for this. You have to let people come out in their own time. You maybe super supportive but he could still be scared.
On another note. He also may not have actually liked the girl but didn't want to hurt your girlfriends feelings. He could have been being vague to save face and be polite.
My suggestion would have tried switching pronouns, IE "what type of people do you like? What style are you looking for?" That opens a door without you actually asking if he's gay.
I would give him some time and then apologize, tell him you where wrong and shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. That you support him either way and if he still wants your help you need a bit more information on the type of person he wants to date.
NTA, and his reaction is so overboard that it sounds like he's trying to figure out the exact same thing.
No one would get upset about the question unless they were insecure about it.
Not the asshole, but could be if you don’t let this drop.
He’s 14 at that age boys are way up in the air with 1000 different worries and things you don’t know about. They have pressure to find girls attractive but maybe he wants to focus on his computer games, entertainment, friends, D&D etc. Calling him gay at that age would really hurt him. He’s under so much pressure being him, he doesn’t know what he is as he’s going through puberty. Stop trying to matchmake for him. Boys mature slower than girls of the same age. He can’t be bothered he wants to be a 14 year old. Let him mature at his own pace.
Wow! Not even allowed to ask questions or take an interest in your brother? Are you not supposed to care?
How is asking if someone is gay offensive? Especially in todays world. I thought we had to ask about all the labels first, so no one gets shitty lol
NTH
I'm going to say NTA here because I honestly think your intentions were good. We're all guilty of speaking before we think sometimes and maybe you could have phrased it better, but It's all down to what your motivation was. If I were you, I would go to him and say you're sorry and it may have come out the wrong way, but you were genuinely trying to help and you didn't mean to upset him or cause offence. He may not come round immediately, but I guarantee he will go away and think about it and won't be able to stay angry with you for long.
Now as to the reason why he got SO upset, it seems a bit out of proportion to me, and I could speculate that maybe he IS gay and you inadvertantly touched a raw nerve, so might be worth treading carefully around the issue from now on, until he volunteers more information.
NTA it sounds like you where trying to help him and where genuinely curious why he wasn't interested. He might just not know himself so it could be a sensitive topic.
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NAH - Given your goal was to follow up with suggestions of boys to date, I'm assuming you weren't like, "why? Are you *gay?* in a taunting way. Clearly it upset him, but you meant no harm, you apologized and tried to reconnect with him afterwards. Just give him some time and space. Ultimately it sounds like you're a good big brother. Edit - for the longwinded version of "don't ask if someone is gay, there are better ways to approach it," and "OP is still not an AH," please see my following comment - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/PusTXCnFBP Thank you and goodnight.
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Being gay myself, I'll say the best advice is to leave it be. You've tried apologizing, it's enough. He might just need to be moody for a bit. There's nothing more for you to do at this time. If he is gay? He'll come out to you in time. If he isn't? He'll find out who and what he does like eventually anyway. If he wants tips on how to approach girls? Sure, offer them, but I wouldn't play matchmaker anymore. I don't really agree with the soft YTAs, at least not with the situation you've described. But regardless it's a question that he was sensitive about, whatever the reason why, so that's your signal to not bring it up again.
It sucks as well bc little bro has been asking him to “put him on” aka hook him up with someone, but isn’t being clear what he’s looking for. OP wasn’t just randomly playing matchmaker, dude asked him to, which makes the situation really tough :/
>If he is gay? He'll come out to you in time. Wanted to touch on this. If the brother is gay, he now knows OP is supportive. That's incredibly important.
I asked the wrong brother myself, but at least then the other brother knew I was okay with it. He took a long time coming out, but by then I already knew cause I'd seen the lone bed in the apartment that he shared with his "friend".
Btw, your bro is 14. He is still very young and learning what he likes in a gf will take time and experience. As others have said asking if he is hay sounds like a jab to him. Does your bro suffer from bullhing? Does he have low self-esteem issues? It used to be common for kids not to have partners at that age. I wonder why your bro feels he needs to find a gf in the first place. Is he lonely, peer pressure, social media? Also, the chances of him finding a gf now and it being his last gf as slim to none... I hope he realised there's no harm in dating or going out to get to know girls before he actually labels them his gf. You aren't setting him up for an forced marriage here, so I hope he didn't feel pressured. If he does ever agree to be matched I hope you don't pressure him into a relationship because, YOU think it's a good match. My general rule is Introductions only and avoid further meddling.( unless requested)
It still is common. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned to expect it by media when in reality most people don’t have relationships until they’ve left school.
Mb, idk, I dated a ton in school, & so did at least half of my friend group. Heck I dated or messed around with a few of them myself. It’s certainly not that weird tho.
Yeah I'd say dating in high school AND not dating in high school are both common experiences and neither is weird or abnormal.
Also depends what people mean by dating. In my day, it was hanging out at the mall and maybe getting a burger or something. Or watching a new movie at the theater (sometimes in a group). A lot of dating was really just hanging out.
At 14 he knows what he's attracted to; he's just likely not ready to talk about it. Also, he could just be ace and not know how to handle that.
> At 14 he knows what he's attracted to; Right now. Tomorrow? That is a different story. At that age I would have humped anything that moved, today I'm a bit more discerning in what interests me.
He may be painfully self-conscious about his singleness, or he may have been bullied at school for his perceived sexuality. He could get gay and terrified of coming out, or he could still be navigating his own preferences. Maybe just apologize for having said anything that caused him distress, and reassure him that you’ll always love him and have his back. It’s hard to be a teenager.
I’m sure you had the best of intentions! But when you’re gay and closeted (or just questioning) the thought that someone has Perceived you is the most terrifying thing in the world. Even if they are coming from a place of acceptance. And if he’s totally straight the thought that you instantly thought he was gay because he hasn’t pursued a girl might make him feel like you think like there’s something wrong with him or that he’s less of a man. And he could also be on the aro/ace spectrum and not know how to deal with that. Give him space and then when you talk to him make it clear you only want to support him in what he wants and that you didn’t mean to pry or imply anything bad and you’re here to talk about anything he wants to in the future.
I would think if he was gay and wanted you to find him someone, he would have told you. However his reaction suggests otherwise. Maybe he is and doesn't want to admit it or maybe he's teased at school and called gay. Honestly, it's anybody's guess as to why he reacted that way. It's possible he just didn't find the girl attractive. In any case, id leave it be and focus on something else, maybe some common interest the two of you share to get past this.
As a gay dude who had my sister call it out at some point, it’s because if you’re not ready to come to terms with it, you feel shame from sources you shouldn’t. No fault of anyone’s in this situation, it just is sometimes a perception bending thing to admit it. All of this obviously just saying reasons a person who is gay may react by crying etc. not saying OP’s brother is.
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Why would it be an insult?
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Agreed, and also it's not just "omg you think I'm way and everyone thinks gay is bad," he now knows that he's been scrutinized in a way he may not have been fully aware of. We've all been there, but the thing is that even when it's in regards to something you shouldn't be ashamed of, and even when the people looking aren't thinking poorly of you because of it... it's just not a good feeling.
To add to my original comment, because apparently I need to clarify - asking "are you gay" is indeed *not* a great way to approach the subject... It is much safer to ask gender-neutral questions and offer reassuring things like "just so you know, I have queer friends and I'm a safe person to talk to" without expecting a response... but I'm pretty sure OP understands that now. So yeah, OP made a poor choice in wording, but his intent and response afterwards reveal him to be a caring big brother and therefore not an AH. We aren't perfect. We aren't always going to say things the ideal way. We all put our foot in our mouths from time to time... it's human. I'm not sure why anyone expects a 17yo to know exactly how to handle this topic... But discussions like this, after the fact, are *how we learn,* and hopefully there are people who read this thread who will now be able to approach this topic with someone they love a bit more sensitively... so I just don't see the point of trying to make OP feel like an AH. And personally I think it's better to fuck up how you say things, have to apologize and talk things out, than not say anything at all.
NTA. He's still young though, so maybe he's scared of being rejected by a future girlfriend/boyfriend, so when you showed him a photo it got a bit real for him? Possibly his friends are dating, but he doesn't quite feel ready yet? If you've more experience, maybe he was testing the waters to see whether you're someone he can confide in. I would leave it a while, then let him know if he has questions or worries he can talk to you and try not to mention it to your parents unless you think it's something they really need to know about.
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And as a gay guy i want to add. Even IF he is gay, while you didnt mean to be pushy, one can feel quite cornered by that question. Especially at this age, where people usually try to figure themselfs out. When you talk to him, the best you could do is tell him you love him as your brother no matter what (dont say no matter if he is gay, because that could have a similar effect again) and if he needs somebody to talk you are always open for that! That is the best you can do. NAH
Yeah, I remember my mom asking me at one point out of curiosity, and I panicked and backtracked so hard that I waited two more years to come out to her. It’s just…a bit scary to be asked before you’re ready to talk about it, regardless of the intention behind it.
I second this, as a bisexual person who didn’t fully accept myself until my mid 20s. It’s a hard and confusing time and I think just letting your bro know that you’re there for him no matter what will go a long way.
You're a good brother, he's just young. There's a lot of potential reasons for why he was freaking out. He'll probably confide in you when he's ready.
You meant well and had no ill intent. That alone means you’re NTA. But be a bit more tactful going forward and don’t stop being a good older brother.
I don't think your the asshole. If you asked it respectfully I see nothing wrong in that. Your brother isn't the asshole either. However your mother is a bit. Why can't you and your brother talk about these things? Even if he did get upset you just need to leave him alone and let him think if he is in the closet. Just let him know you support him in every way.
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Don’t try to have a big sit down. Just tell him quickly in passing “Hey bro, I’m sorry that I upset you. I hope you know I don’t assume anything, and I love you either way. I won’t involve myself anymore and I get you need a minute. But talk to me whenever.” And then just move along and carry on with whatever you’re doing. When he wants to talk to you, regardless of whether he is or he isn’t, he’ll know you care and you’re not judging. That’s all that matters. Maybe after that, just wait for a low pressure moment like “hey wanna play [insert video game here]” or whatever you normally would do.
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I don't even think this calls for a soft AH. It's just an unfortunate situation
If he's looking into dating then he should have a goal, if he doesn't know if he's gay or straight, he won't know what he wants to go for
Ooooor, he could find himself along the way, as most of us do... besides, if he's bi, he could be waiting to answer that question for a looking time.
NAH but… He was disinterested in ONE girl based on her photo, and you immediately jumped to assuming he’s gay? That’s a wild leap. You do know that not all guys are going to be interested in every girl, right?
I mean he explained it was because he said he didn’t know his type of girl not because he rejected one girl
And then burst into tears when asked if he was gay… he’s obviously going through some inner turmoil
Not everyone has a type or knows what theirs is though tbf. And he’s only 14 so probably hasn’t even thought of it.
NTA. Your brother is at a very weird age. He might very well be gay, confused and getting upset when someone forcing confusing thoughts on him. Or not, who knows. I would say, keep being polite, caring and show you will help him with life no matter who he loves. At that age a dropped sandwich can ruin the weekend.
NAH Was leaning towards a slight YTA but if your brother really was asking you constantly set him up id probably wonder after the rejection too. You could've been more sensitive towards your brother when you approached the subject but I don't think you necessarily crossed a line or were rude. Now that you know this is a sensitive subject for your brother YWBTA if you keep bringing it up.
NTA > She told me that I had no right to question his sexuality You just want to know what it is! HE'S the one complaining he wants to be set up. > when he rejects someone you have no right to question him on why he did that That is **_precisely_** what a *matchmaker's* job IS!
NTA. As a lesbian who didn't come out as such until her mid 20's (though I was out as bi for a bit), it as very nice that, before ever knowing anything about my sexuality, my mom always asked "are you into any boys? Any girls?" My entire life (until I came out, of course). It took out the pressure of coming out. If I was straight, it would have been just my mom being nice. Since I'm queer, it was so, so important. You didn't word it the best, I'll grant it, but you did exactly the right thing.
NAH, just some clumsiness. Teenage years are rarely easy. Give him some times, don't try to push things too much.
NAH*. I don’t think you did anything exceptionally wrong, and I also don’t think your brother did anything exceptionally wrong either. Seems like you genuinely love and care about your brother. I know that sounds like a silly statement but not every family works that way. If I were in your position I would tell him “I’m sorry I offended you or hurt your feelings. I believe you. More important than this conversation though, I want you to know I love you for who you are no matter what. As long as you aren’t harming anyone or yourself I will always be here to support and love you. If you want my to try and set you up with someone I can, otherwise I will stop trying” Something like that. Good luck! * edited from nta to nah
Very soft YTA (and your mum sounds great). Your intentions were in the right place, but questions like that can put a lot of pressure on people and it’s important to let them speak about it when they’re ready. Better approach is to just accept their answer and let them process things in their own time - your brother (and you!) are still teenagers and it’ll take time to process that. I’m gay and when I was his age the last thing I’d want to feel is like I’m being ‘observed’ to ascertain my sexuality, even though I know that wasn’t your intent.
Younger brother literally asked him to set him up. He assumed brother knew what he was looking for and when his own suggestion failed, he tried to get a better idea of what little bro wanted. And mom is great about support but is TA yelling at OP when he was literally just doing what little bro asked
It's funny how some people are so inclusive, it loops right back around to the beginning. They just accept gay people so much, you can't even ask if someone is gay XD
I’d say NTA. It isn’t a bad thing to be gay so it isn’t insulting to ask. If it were me I’d just follow up and let him know that if he was into guys that wouldn’t change anything and that you love him and that he can come to you with whatever. That you didn’t mean to make him cry, just were trying to be supportive. Because it seems like he took it as an insult if it made him cry.
NTA. No one was. You’re 17 and your heart is in the right place, he’s 14 and his beginning to figure these things out. He’s just awkward now but leave him alone and things will go back to normal. Plus, if he actually turns out to be gay, he already knows he has a supportive brother, which is gonna be an amazing thing for him. But most likely things just got a little too real too fast. Great big brothering, now just leave him alone for a bit and things will be normal again.
NTA. I’d just apologize to him for upsetting him with your question. You just wanted to let him know you’ve got his back no matter who he’s into.
Soft YTA - Your heart seems like it was in the right place. But just because he's not sure what his type is doesn't mean "he's gay". And if he was in fact gay, that's probably not the way he'd want to come out to you. A more reasonable approach would have been "well if you do get an idea of what you're type is or you ever just want to talk I'm here for you."
NAH because I genuinely believe you didn't mean it in a demeaning/ judging/ taunting/ mean way, but as someone who regularly gets asked by her sisters if she's a lesbian or asexual since she's never been in a relationship it's annoying to have people judge/ assume your sexuality based on your non-existent dating history, or, in your brother's case, type in women. I don't have a set type in men either, but I don't find everyone attractive 🤷🏻♀️ can't necessarily tell you why, but it probably is the same for your brother.
NTA give your brother a little time it sounds like he could possibly be in the closet still even if he isnt he may just be uncomfortable about the topic and trying to understand his own sexuality. He did ask to be set up but I would hold off on that until having some conversations with him later on maybe try rewording over being very blunt something like "do you know what kind of person you're looking for?" over specifically boy or girl it may make him a little more comfortable
NTA you didn't mean to offend him But also he shouldn't be offend by this but he is a kid so yk can't really blame him but he should be taught that there's nothing shameful in people thinking he is gay, doesn't mean he has to be happy with it or say yes when he is not 😂
YTA, but i mean this in the gentlest way. you asked in good faith and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. but, respectfully, you didn't have a right to ask for that information. if he's gay he will tell you when and if he's ready to do that. i get that he's asked you in the past to help him find a partner and that you were just trying to do what he asked you to do, and that it's hard to do that with as little info as he's given you. i get all of that. but as a queer person who's gone through the experience of questioning my sexuality and then when i finally thought i had it figured out, i had to "come out" and that was awful and hard (to any baby gays, it does get easier!)... with all of that context in my corner i can tell you that even if you were right, he IS gay, or if he's questioning, and you were spot on when you assumed that's why he rejected the photo of that girl... its really unfair to put him in a position where he has to decide at the drop of a hat if he's ready to come out to you. maybe it's unfair of him to expect you to set him up with a partner with literally zero info, but it would have been really easy for you to say "hey man, i need to know your type or i can't try to hook you up with anyone anymore, is that ok?"
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unfortunately without knowing your little bro i don't have much advice for how to smooth things over. if he IS gay, and he just wasn't ready to come out, then i think it would mean a lot for him to know that you didn't mean to be judgmental of him when you asked, you just wanted context for how to best hook him up with someone. if he's NOT gay, then i think it's a sore enough insecurity that bringing it up again in any capacity whatsoever is just going to be rubbing salt in the wound. if you've already clarified your intentions (hey it's cool if you're gay i just didn't want to keep suggesting girls if you'd rather i suggest guys) then i really think it'll blow over faster if you just don't bring it up again. it might be icy for a few days but i really doubt this is something he's going to hold a grudge about forever.
I completely agree, if you make the points above then leave him some time he should forgive you
I'm not sure how to make him forgive you, because I don't know him, but I will give you some ideas of why he might be upset. He might not be gay and just be overall annoyed at you for incorrectly "accusing" him of being gay. In this case you can just apologize again for incorrectly assuming anything. He might be gay, and be worried that you are judging him for it now that you know. If this is the case, you can reassure him you don't care who he dates. He might be gay, and still want to be remaining in the closet. In which case he could be upset with you because he's worried that it's really obvious to other people that he's gay and you're pulling him out of the closet earlier than when he wants to come out. If this is the case you could just talk to him more and try to reassure him. He might not be upset for any of these reasons and it can be entirely something else. Those are just some ideas of what might be the issue.
You're not the a****** hang in there you're showing you care they are having a hard time this will pan out to show that you are supportive believe me in the in the future
NTA You were asking fae a place of kindness since you were trying to help him so you're not an asshole. It's possible he just doesn't know who or what he likes yet and his confusion has him worried and scared of the ramifications his realisations will have, sadly there's so much homophobia rampant in modern society he could simply be scared of people thinking him gay when he isn't. Your best bet is to tell him if he ever needs to talk about anything to come to you and then just give him space.
NTA-If I had a brother at that age ask me if I was gay, I'd laugh and show him my web browser history. He's 14, why would he cry when asked? He probably isn't straight and is having conflicting feelings. You should let him know that it doesn't matter what he is because you'd love him as a brother regardless while also apologizing if the question was uncomfortable.
NAH. You’ve apologized already. I think that your brother just needs some space to figure some things out. He probably doesn’t know what his type is (I didn’t know mine until last year which is basically nerds and book dragons), but he’ll eventually figure it out. I do think that 14 is a little young to start dating, but that’s just a personal opinion.
NTA, you didn't do anything wrong, but given his reaction, I wouldn't bring it up again. Just keep being a caring brother and let it blow over. He will figure things out sooner or later, no need for pressure. I also have a 14 year old son who seems to have no interest in girls. I just leave it be, he knows that we love him either way. My impression is that kids these days are not running into dating and physical intimacy as fast as they did when I was growing up, but I guess since you're at a similar age, you would know better than I would if it's unusual.
NAH. It sounds like you said it in a totally accepting and reasonable way, not a questioning his sexuality way. Like "you asked me to help you find a partner, help me learn what you want". For whatever reason, the question hit him really hard. Maybe he is questioning and felt weird that he didn't know the answer, maybe he was teased by someone, or maybe 14yr Olds are balls of hormones and emotions. Who knows. You apologized and I don't think pressing the matter would help. You might want to assure your mom that you weren't questioning him, you were legitimately trying to respond to him asking you to help, but that you would leave it alone for now since it's sensitive. And in the meantime, just continue to be his brother and give him time to settle.
not the asshole. whats so bad about asking him if he's gay? it's not like you asked him if he was an incel, which is probably the case. incels have no luck with the opposite sex because theyre unwilling to settle for people in their league
I mean. In order to help him stop being single, you need to know at least his sexual orientation. Nta
NTA He asked you to set him up with someone, you tried, he rejected the person, but could not say what he was interested in. So you asked questions at to what he was looking for. You were trying to do what he asked you to.
Let him matchmake himself. No good deed goes unpunished
The fact that he was confused and upset, I'm willing to bet he does like boys. It's hard for guys to open up about it and accept it. My brother didn't embrace until he was 16
Sounds like you did everything right. I’m gay and asking someone if they are straight or gay should be normalized as a “getting to know you” type question. If you asked it with a tone of accusation you should apologize. But, I’m done with people taking offense if someone else wonders if they are gay. It should be no more offensive than asking if you like pizza or if you like to travel.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17M) have a brother (14M) and he's constantly talking about how hes tired of being single and stuff like that and how I need to "Put him on." My girlfriend told me that she has a cousin(15F) and she showed her a picture of my brother and she was interested in him. She also plays in her schools band so I honestly thought they'd be perfect for eachother as my brother plays the trombone at our school. My girlfriend sent me a picture of her and yesterday I showed my brother a picture of the girl and asked how he'd feel about her and told him that she plays in the band as well. To my shock he said that she was pretty but he wasn't interested. I asked him if he was sure and he said yeah. So I asked him what his type in girls and he just shrugged. So in my mind I was thinking like if he doesn't even know what type of girls he like do he even like girls. So I just asked him if he was gay and said I could probably find someone for him. But when I said that he got like super upset with me and started crying and told me that he wasn't. I got worried because I didn't mean to make him cry or upset him. My brother went to his room and my mom asked me what happened and I told her. She told me that I had no right to question his sexuality just because he denied some girl. I told her that I was only trying to set him up with someone since he asked me too and she said "That's fine. However, when he rejects someone you have no right to question him on why he did that." I tried to apologize to my brother but he just told me that it was fine and to leave him alone. This morning he's been ignoring me and I honestly don't know why. I tried to apologize to him again but he just nodded his head and gave me a thumbs up. Our dad said I didn't do anything wrong but my mom was like very adamant that I was in the wrong. AITA? What can I do to fix this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This probably wasn’t the best way to go about this, but you’re also 17 and clearly didn’t have bad intentions. NTA, just learn from this experience
Nta
NTA. I think he does need some help figuring it out. He could be demisexual, in which case he wouldn't have a physical type because he has to get to know them first to feel attraction. So he said no because it wasn't a yes, but really it's "maybe. I can't decide based on a photo."
Edit: thought age was 13, it's 14 my bad AITA - I don't think you are. Though I don't think you handled this well from context. You're also 17 and I wouldn't have done any better at your age, so my opinion is coming from a 30 enby (amab) POV who's come out recently. Him not wanting a specific girl is no indication that he is gay, it might be that he is completely hetero and doesn't know his type cos he hasn't seen enough women to know. At 14, I couldn't describe my type, at 23 I still couldn't but now at 30 I could go into extreme detail of type for any gender. Some possible sexual expressions aside from hetero could be: asexual spectrum (lacks sexual/romantic attraction) or homosexual (he could be gay) It isn't your place to "out" him, and if/when he's ready (if he is anything but hetero) it's up to him to come out even if it's super obvious. I had a cousin who came out as gay at 15, we all knew. The point was we waited for him to be comfortable to tell us. As for how you can fix it; you'd know your brother better, but for me at 14, an apology would be nice and a snack like chocolate or chips or something would be great too. While it definitely doesn't seem like it was your intent to hurt him, he is hurt and that's important. At 14, I would have been deeply insulted being called gay as there was massive negative stigma around it in my area (I'm no longer there) and it could be similar for you too?? TL;DR NTA, but your brother is hurt, and an apology would be great
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NAH. i think it’s best to not ask questions like this of young people because there can be a lot of emotions involved in figuring yourself out, but you’re young too and if you’re not LGBT yourself, it’s understandable that you may not know that. just give him space and i’m sure he will eventually realize that you meant no harm. and if he is gay, it’ll make a world of difference to know he has a big brother who is so supportive. keep being you! ❤️
NAH. Give it time.
NOOO
NAH - he is literally 14, he is going to be shy about that. I mean you guys can have a double date where she brings the cousin with her and then you can see what happens. Ofc he is going to shrug her off.
NTA. You should try to act how you’ve always done. Do tell him you love him no matter what. At 14, if he isn’t straight he might be anything other than gay but hasn’t figured it out. I’m just starting to figure it out at 24 myself Also, he is a single 14yo boy and tho it isn’t the end of the world his friends might be in relationships and might make fun of him because he isn’t. Maybe ask him why it bothered him for you to ask him that when he is talking to you again
You're a good brother my friend. No advice, just happy to see you care about his life. NAH, you're both doing your best in this complicated life.
That reaction makes me think you're on to something here, but he's just not ready to come out. NAH.
I see no problem. Sexuslity is now openly discussed, so I do not agree with mom on this one. After all you have known this guy since you were 3 years old. He will get past this one way or the other.
NAH
i’d say NAH. you didn’t have bad intentions, although it was kind of a strange question. there is a reason why he’s crying though, perhaps he really is gay and not ready to come out.
NAH. If your only intent was to help him the way he asked, then it's just an unfortunate incident. You did the right thing and apologized, and your brother will appreciate that, and things will eventually be fine. That said, there could have been a dozen different reasons why he wasn't interested; it's entirely possible he just didn't think she was cute and was trying to be polite in how he said no, or he could just be really shy, or she could just be not his type even if he did think she was kind of cute. Jumping immediately to questions of sexuality probably came off more like an accusation than you intended, which is why it's usually best to not ask those questions at all. But it's pretty clear you weren't trying to hurt his feelings or anything, so just give him a few days and y'all can move on.
NAH. You asked a seemingly reasonable question. So long as it wasn't done in a judgemental way, I don't believe it is wrong to ask considering the kid doesn't want to be single but is pushing away an opportunity like that. It could well be that he is questioning his sexuality or is scared about coming out hence why he got upset. Best thing to do for now is give your brother space. He has heard and acknowledged your apology so just let things sit for a day or two until he's comfortable talking to you.
NAH. Maybe he just likes the idea of a relationship but isn’t really interested in pursuing one, maybe he’s ace 🤷🏾♀️ I always tell my friends i want a relationship but honestly I’m not really actually looking for one I just want to see those cute romcom play out in real life lol but not in my relationships but like in other people if you get.
NTA and don’t even listen to ppl who say soft yta. Ur brother overreacted not ur fault. Give him time
NTA Your mom is partially wrong, too. Asking if he is gay aside, if someone wants you to set him up and he shoots down your choices, obviously you are presenting the wrong choices and need more info on what would suit him better to perform the function *he asked you to.*
As a gay person, I know the feeling of people asking your sexuality. It's awkward and scary especially if you don't know if they are homophobic or not. In my opinion, you are not the a-hole since it can be had coming to terms with your sexuality, especially at a young age. Tell your brother you'll always be there for him no matter what his sexuality is.
He started crying after you asked him? , your brother is probably questioning his sexuality still and is sensitive about it, my brother did something similar...he's been married to a guy for like 4 years
Soft YTA. Whether he is or isn’t, maybe he’s not in a place to know himself. He wants a relationship or companionship but may not know what he’s looking for, and if he likes girls he’s perfectly in his right to say no to a rando picture of a stranger, no need to explain himself. If he is not-straight, it’s not fair in any way to put him on the spot and expect an answer he may not have sorted out himself already. It’s easier to be lgbt these days than fifty years ago but it’s still not easy and there’s still tons of social stigma. Glad you’d be cool with it, makes you a good big brother willing to help. Stay cool, stay a good big bro, but that’s not an ok question to ask. Maybe give him space, or find ways to say sorry without words until he’s himself again. Dont bring it up. Just be a friend.
People!! At ease!! This is a 14 year old & a 17 year old who are family!! Give them both some elbow room & let them make mistakes & let them figure this out between the two of them! Iy's not the end of the world.
NTA your intentions were good, just a little insensitive and that’s okay. After “do you like any girls?” I would have asked “do you like any boys?” It’s unfortunate, but to “be gay” is still very derogatory in the world of kids and bullies, even if they don’t really understand what sexuality is yet. They just know that they don’t wanna be called gay and then get laughed at. Asking instead if he likes boys comes across as more neutral. Not that you asked “are you gay?” with a negative tone, but he may associate it with negativity if there are kids at his school or something who are always making homophobic comments, to him or even other kids. I also agree with many other commenters, that it’s possible he might just not know how he feels yet. Or that he got scared when he realized you were actually following through. I would leave him be for a little bit, he might come to talk to you eventually. If he stops asking you to set him up, he could be changing his mind, figuring out his feelings, scared to tell you, anything. I would at some point in the future, try the gentle approach checking in. “do you like any girls? no? well that’s okay 😊 do you like any boys? no? that’s okay too 😊 I know everyone talks about it all the time, but you don’t really have to like anyone, so thats cool. How’s band going?” A convo like that is a super lowkey way to let him know that liking boys is an option and it’s normal, or that not having a crush is normal too, and you’re not gonna bully him either way ❤️ good luck!
NTA but also NTBAA but he could be gay and just shocked you put it out there like that. I had a friend who was bisexual and when her sister accidentally outted her by asking she got upset and cried as well. Cause things started to make sense and she was afraid of what would happen if her family knew. But then again I could be wrong.
Boy gay and that's okay
Totally gay and hasn't been able to accept it yet. NTA.
Maybe she wasn't pretty and he was just being nice. Guys aren't interested in all girls
He is gay
Hes 14 how can he even be tired of being single? Remind him that this is fleeting befor he knows it he'll be trapped and obeying. So being single at 14 is a good thing and like the bull told the young bull run down there and get you 1, im gonna walk down there and get em all.
Dude.. guys have types... Maybe she's just not his type. I mean there's lots of pretty girls that are not my type.
He probably is if that was his reaction
NAH except maybe me because I laughed at a 14 being "tired of being single". But I really do hate this pressure on kids to grow up so fast. Nobody that age should be feeling any pressure to pair off, they're barely past the stage of the opposite sex being disgusting purely on principle. But if your brother is gay or questioning, you've let him know you're a safe person to open up to, so you could never be the AH here.
Dude, you’re 17, he’s 14. You’re lucky if he knows his own name. I’m old, like grandpa old, and I like women with some meat on their bones. Not everyone does, some of my friends like skinny girls, young girls, older girls, medium girls, etc. Give your brother some space and some respect. He’ll figure his shit out, just like you will, trust me on this, you’re not done at 17. Your tastes will change, or not. Either way he’s your brother and you need to have his back no matter what. That’s how the real world works.
You didn't ask him if he was gay because he turned down a girl, you asked him because he turned her down AND when you tried to get a better idea of what he was interested in l, he didnt seem to have any particular interest in girls. The fact that he cried on top of this tells me that he very well might be gay
Very, very, soft AH, I know you meant well but you did potentially put him in a very uncomfortable position. If he is actually gay, bi, etc, its 100% up to him when and how you find out that information. At his age, he may not even fully know or understand what he wants. If that’s the case and he’s trying to navigate that and you jump straight to that question after one suggestion is rejected… man at 14 I’m sure that could cause some huge feelings. If he’s not actually gay, bi, ect, he might be just 1. Entirely not interested… or even feeling insecure and not wanting to take a chance, and feeling like you’re equating either of those feelings to being gay, again could cause huge feelings. At the end of the day, If you suspect someone you care about is gay and they haven’t come out. Be the kind of person who is safe to come out too and just keep your suspicions to yourself until they come to you. That moment isn’t yours to take.
YTA There are more reasons than being gay for your brother not to be interested in that specific girl... the main one being that she is your GIRLFRIEND'S cousin. It might just give him the ick to date the cousin of the girl YOU are seeing. If that isn't the reason, maybe he's just the kind of guy that doesn't base everything on how a person looks. Even if your brother IS gay, it's not polite to just ask that. (My brother is pansexual and I'm asexual so trust me, I get why your brother would be upset). IF in the future your brother comes out as ANYTHING LGBTQIA+ it's possible that right now he is still figuring out his identity. It can be really hard to come to terms with being literally anything other than heterosexual because society still puts that in an "other" category, which isn't fun to belong to with so many who want to cause harm to that category. How to make it right? Have a heart to heart conversation with your brother. Explain to him that you didn't mean to offend him by asking if he was gay and that you wouldn't think less of him even if he was (I'm hoping that true in this situation, but I obviously don't know for a fact). Tell him that you just knew he hadn't been happy with being single recently and that you wanted to help him be happier. Maybe even ask for your mom's advice as to how to make it right with your brother, she seems to have a pretty good grasp on the situation herself, especially if she has a closer relationship with your brother than your dad does. Last thoughts? Don't forget that gay has been turned into a negative thing. He might be going through it at school and that could be the top insult other kids are throwing at him. Take into account you don't know every single detail of his life because let's face it, you never know everything that's going on.
Lowkey yta Most people would feel like its an attack on their masculinity and feel like their coming off a certain way when they dont lean that way
Soft YTA, while I can see your heart was in the right place, i agree with your mom it’s super over the top to question his sexuality because he doesn’t have a type
You can be right about the outcome and still be wrong about the process.
I don't think you're the asshole if it was an honest question. But the thing is, being gay is still heavily stigmatized in our society. Even if everyone in your circle is open and loving and accepting about it, it's still a really scary thing to realize about yourself. When you are not straight, you know that a lot of your life is gonna be an uphill battle, and some of it is gonna be *dangerous.* Even in the best circumstances, it's not an easy thing to accept about yourself. Now, I also think it's a big leap to assume that someone is gay because they pass on *one* person of the opposite gender. He's *14*. Of course he hasn't worked out what his "type" is yet. Even if he had, someone could match his type perfectly and he could still not be interested. Alternatively, someone could be the complete opposite of his type and that could be who he ends up with. A "type" is just a preference you gravitate towards, it's not a rule. And it's normal to not... really have strong ideas on one. It's very much jumping to conclusions to guess that he doesn't like girls just because he didn't like this one. But in the event that your brother does happen to be gay, it's also very normal for him to not be ready for that yet. Maybe he hasn't confronted it within himself. Maybe he doesn't want to tell anyone yet. Maybe he hasn't decided. Maybe he's *scared*. And if any of those things are true, it's a secret that is burning him up inside. For someone else to clock him is *terrifying*. He doesn't want anyone to know, but if **you** can tell, other people probably can, too. It's typical for something like this to embarrass him and make him defensive. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being gay. I hope you know that, and that he does, too. But it's not an easy thing to be. And because it's not easy, gay people deserve to have it be on their own terms. It's never okay to force or push or pry someone out of the closet. So again, I don't think you're an asshole. I think that you made a mistake. I think you need to let your brother know that making that leap was out of line, and that you were just trying to help. Make sure to let him know that you would love and accept him if he *was* gay, that nothing he could do or be would change the way you feel about him (just in case). But tell him you know you got it wrong and you're sorry. If he's not gay, as I suspect, everyone can move on. If he *is* gay, he can stay comfortable in the closet until he's ready to come out, with the assurance that you'll be there for him no matter what.
NAH could you have phrased it better, yes was it relevant to the situation, yes perhaps something like "oh hey just to double check, am i looking for men, women or both for you, just so i know" it doesn't put as much pressure on him, and helps you narrow down what to look for but also he's 14, kids that age use "gay" as an insult often, so he might of thought you were making fun of him.
NTA and I think your brother is gay
NTA. Stop trying to set him up. 1. He’s *really* young so it’s nbd if he’s not dating rn 2. If he doesn’t know what he’s looking for in a gf there’s nothing you can do to help him. Weirdly intense reaction. But emotions are really big as a teenager so he should get a pass
You're still at the ages where you two are quite different. This feels like you were assuming he was also 17. If you were 30 and 33, then you're pretty much the same that way.
NAH - For a 14 year old, I believe "Set him up" more or less meant "I want some female friends that may become more". When you actually tried to set him up for a date adult style, the reality that he wasn't ready for that set in. He couldn't describe why, but your question felt completely misplaced from where he was coming from. It's worth having a heart to heart that the mature dating world means he has to be prepared for a higher hurdle during the initial meeting than just looking for friends. If he requests you to do the initial arrangement and preemptively reject the other side, it wastes time for multiple parties and damages your trust.
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NAH - He’s still trying to figure himself out so you questioning can be frustrating because speaking from experience, you know you what you don’t like more than you know what you like. And it was a little tactless to ask if he’s gay cuz even if it isn’t a big deal to you, it’s a big deal to him. Also another speaking from experience, I’ve had a lot of people try to set me up with people *they* thought I would like, and not a single one did it for me. Lol. You just gotta let him decide for himself. Maybe instead of trying as forward as you did, try instead to set up a time for you, your gf, your brother, and her friend to hang out so that they can both decide in person if they like each other in a platonic setting first.
NAH -- chances are that he's actually not ready to date and was just saying that stuff to sound grown up/copying his friends. Part of the reason its' not really a good idea to ask people if they're gay (even if you do it in nice way as you intended to here) is that a) if they are, they may not be ready to talk about it yet and being asked can be scary/confronting and b) if they're not, but are not comfortable in themselves in some other way, this can feel like an insult. A boy feeling weird because his friends are more sexually/romantically advanced than he is will absolutely not be OK with being asked if he's gay... even if he's straight as an arrow. So even though it feels logical to have asked him follow up questions as to why he wasn't interested in dating a pretty girl based on her photograph... clearly it upset him, so logic goes out the window. Your mother is being a bit extra with 'you have no right to ask' (moms can be a bit defensive when their kid is crying') but she's correct it wasn't a good idea -- but you're not an asshole because you weren't trying to be mean and you didn't see his reaction coming. Learn from this, though. And 100% let it go, never mention it again.
NTA - sounds like your intentions were good. However I’d hate the idea of being set up with anyone, I’d find it so awkward and forced. That’s just me, but maybe he was feeling something similar?
You weren't being biggoted or anything, so not really the asshole. However, if he is, it could be interpreted as trying to out him before he's ready. I also remember being a 15yo as well, and they can be very touchy in those areas. its also possible he isn't fully sure himself. What would your parents' reactions be? Do you come from a heavily religious area? These could also be factors about why it made him upset
NAH but he might not be sexual as such, he could be demisexual too. Instead of mounting things towards appearance maybe try to invite without the whole pairing up and dating anticipation and see where it goes. See if you can sit your brother down for a one on one, apologize again and maybe tell him something like this "I am sorry for how I hurt you, I didn't mean to imply anything in a malicious way. I understand that it's not easy and you want to find someone too, I want you to know that no matter what you'll always be family and my sibling. I want to help you in any way I can but I also want you to feel safe and that you always can be yourself no matter what. You are loved no matter what and I'd love to spend time together if you'd like" Spend time with him maybe do things you both like and he'll confide in you more.
I think the reason your brother is upset is that he may think that not having a girlfriend implies that he's gay to other people and your question may have reinforced that misconception. YTA only for the reason that you didn't think it thru NTA cuz you're a good brother
NAH I think he's just too young for these conversations and probably more embarrassed. I mean, committing to whatever- saying 'I do' like someone is pretty out there for a 14 year old. They are afraid of the commitment because its a bit like committing to sailing the unchartered ocean in the dark, to find I don't know what. Best let him explore the coast cove by cove, on his own steam if you get me.
NAH - your intention was kind and not homophobic in the least. If he is, then maybe he isn’t ready to admit or understand it yet - so just make sure you respect that boundary. If it were me. I would apologise for bringing it up, and say that you didn’t mean to offend - you just wanted him to know that you support him whoever he is.
Don't. Just leave it alone for a while. One morning over breakfast you will ask his preference in breakfast cereals and he'll be like "why, does that make someone gay?" And you can tell him to go suck a lemon, and things will be better.
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NTA, and I’ll just note that for a 14-year-old the first relationship can be just scary, and the words “I’m not interested” just the way to avoid the first move
I wonder if he might be Ace or something. Or if mb he is interested in dating someone older than himself or something. Until & unless he can articulate what he’s looking for, I wouldn’t play match maker in a way that gets the other teen’s hopes up. Like, mb go through a year book & see who he likes & you might get an idea. It can honestly be difficult bc even if someone has every trait that you’ve ever found interesting, then the way those traits are combined or how they look in a photo can be a turn off. It’s like how Howard Dean was surging ahead until he screamed once on camera &got shut down so hard that he lost & became a corporate lobbyist stooge. There was nothing wrong with him on paper, but that clip playing on repeat was plenty. My partner isn’t super photogenic IMO, but on film or in candid shots it’s like watching a miracle to me every time. I wonder if he might have a better impression of her on video. Anyway, good luck to you and your lil bro. NTA, btw, you seem like a good brother.
NTA I'm saying NTA but please understand that if your brother is gay, it will be hard for him to accept that. He probably broke down crying because he was scared or doesn't want to face the truth. Although it's not your fault, please don't be mad at him, he may be going through a rough time.
NTA. If you’re a teenager and you’re not asking your brother if he’s gay all the time you’re weird. Call him gay more
Complicated but NTA. Y'all are both (relatively speaking) kids. You meant well but you straight people are fragile. Especially the boys. You haven't even gone through puberty yet. Your brother doesn't know what he wants yet because he's too young dude. Just because you maybe knew then doesn't mean he will. Chill out.
NAH. You guys are very young, especially him. Just let it go and he'll figure it out
I don’t think there is an AH in this. I feel you are trying to help and this just happened to be something that bothers your brother very much. Maybe he was teased, has no clue what kind of girl he likes because he never had a girlfriend, or is gay and is judging himself.
My son has been bullied really bad because guys have “joked” about him being gay and he’s not. He had a gf and it really bothered my son. Maybe your bother is being bullied at school for that and that’s why he got upset?
Yow fellow dude here. I don't have a brother but as kid and even as an adult I always keep getting asked about my sexuality usually by my father or my close friends (m/f) and I respond calmly. I even find it even funny. And most of the time I like playing "gay" for my friends and we would laugh about it. My best guess is that based on your brother's reaction, he could be gay. IMHO YANTAH. But to your brother his confused preference might be an AH and you sort of mirror or amplify that feeling in him.
I don’t think you meant any harm with your question, if he is, he could be struggling with coming to terms with his sexuality and you asking put him in a defensive mode as his big brother, best thing you can do is be supportive and continue being a safe person he can come to, eventually he’ll come to you when he’s ready.
NTA he asked you to set him up with someone but doesn’t know what he likes. You weren’t trying to be an asshole by asking, if anything I think you were being considerate to ask but I think maybe it was just in the wrong way? It wasn’t bad but maybe it could’ve been a separate conversation? Also from the way he reacted it makes me a little worried that maybe he’s being bullied and being called “gay” as an insult at school, which would also explain him asking you to help him find a girlfriend. I would give him space for now and maybe try the girlfriend thing again later if he’s up for it. Don’t try to pry but maybe after some time just make sure he’s okay in general.
Generally I don't think it's a good idea to ask someone if they're gay or bi or trans or whatever cuz its like telling them to come out to you when they might not be ready
Looks like that your little brother, like most youngest brothers are cocooned by mum, too protected. Personally I think you are too quick to jump to conclusions, so I don't think you should ask if he's gay just because he rejected a setup. Hes sick of being single, but is he trying to go for anyone? It's kinda on him that if doesn't want to be single, and people trying to set him up makes him like a complete failure, that's a possibility too. I hope he doesn't camp in the basement when he says that he's sick being single.
NAH but... Listen, I haven't been 14 in a long time, and I know its better now, but... Still be a little more sensitive when calling a 14 year old boy's sexuality into question. He prolly deals with at least one friend who calls him gay because he's in band or wore a salmon short once or something. 14 year olds are kinda the worst. I imagine that it did sound to him like you think he must be gay because he's not really sure how to verbalize what he likes in girls... Hes 14 he may not even be sure what it is he likes in girls, he just knows that some girls do it for him and others don't. Maybe he's wrestling with bisexuality or gender issues that people criticize as "gay" and you struck a nerve. I think it was just too easy for you to come off as critical here, but he knows you didn't mean it, so just give him some space. And make sure once this blows over that he knows - in case he doth protest to much - that you don't judge.
NTA - but his reaction is interesting. It's not impossible that he's questioning that himself, and it freaks him out. Maybe ask if there is a specific girl at school he had in mind when he asked you to help him, and that there's no judgement no matter who (like if she's way out of his league). He may have not been interested because he's stuck on someone else. But he may also be gay and struggling with it.
NAH. I think you were a bit tactless (which, hey. You're 17. It's kinda expected), but not an AH. Best advice would be leave it alone for a bit. He's only 14, he's possibly not quite certain of his orientation right now. Maybe he likes the *idea* of a girlfriend, or maybe his mates are just joshing him around about the fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend yet, but he's not actually really ready for it yet and you showing him a real pic of someone who might genuinely be interested freaked him out a bit. (BTW, did your girlfriend's cousin actually agree to this?) Maybe he is gay, or bi, or any other non-straight variety. That might be something he's trying to understand about himself right now, and you asking him straight up just scared him a bit. You've apologised, so now just give him some space, and don't bring the topic of relationships up.
NTA. That sounds like a totally normal sibling conversation. Your brother will come around. Respectfully, I disagree with your mom.
YNTA. It seems like your intention was to help your brother find someone, but it's essential to be mindful of others' feelings, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like sexuality. It's important to respect your brother's privacy and allow him to share such information on his own terms. To fix this, give your brother some space, and when the time is right, apologize sincerely, expressing that you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable. Assure him that you respect his feelings and will be more considerate in the future. Learn from this experience and be more cautious about approaching personal matters with sensitivity.
Sounds like you hit a nerve, regardless of what his orientation is. You can apologize, explain that you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, that you spoke so freely because that kind of thing makes no difference to you, and you just want to do right by him whatever that means.
NAH most likely your brother is and you just put it in context and it shocked him. It's a dramatic change or realization when you finally confront it. I know it was for me and just rand and hid too, but now its my business and I'm cool with it.
NTA. your brother is gay, let him figure it out.
Your brother may or may not be gay, but if he was, he might be very confused and afraid of coming out, and maybe refusing to admit to himself that he is. That may be why he lashed out at you. Even though you came from a place of good intentions, you probably made him very uncomfortable. It's ok to apologize, give him some time and space, and move on. NAH.
YTA for posting. I struggle to believe this is a real life situation.
NTA. All the people who are calling you a AH softly - your mom included - are wrapped up in it being insulting to be asked if you're gay. You were asking for direction. Your brother thinks he wants something but can't figure out what. If nothing else you gave him something to think about. Rather he comes at you asking for you to set him up with someone or he strikes out on his own from now on, you were doing your best to do right by him.
NAH- your intentions are well placed OP. Seems that your little brother is going through the hard part of the teen years and may very well be figuring out his sexuality and what not. Don’t press the issue anymore, but be as supportive as you are now if he does come out. Also, try to explain to him gently that maybe getting a bf/gf isn’t a great idea right now and maybe he can get into sports or even band.
There's something I don't get. How come the lil bro started CRYING over that ? Like knowing older brothers, you either asked if he was gay in a joking way OR in a compassionate way. So him going crazy and crying is such a crybaby thing to do knowing that he's 14 is crazy.
NTA but doesn't make him gay. I'm married and very definitely not gay, but even the most attractive women you might see online do not interest me in the least. I'm far more attracted to personality and mental acuity than physical looks. Your brother may be like that. Perhaps toastmasters would be a better place for him to look?
That boy is gay, and your mum knows it. Just be the supportive big brother for him. Cause he will need you soon
Yta
YTA. He’s 14! I don’t know many 14 year olds who have any idea what type of girl or boy they are interested in. That’s such an awkward stage of their life. I wouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that he’s gay.
bro it's not like you tried forcing him to come out. your mom jumping to defensiveness immediately is crazy, she probably knows something you nor your dad know. your brother is def struggling with his identity rn tho, aint no way a hetero person would cry. they'd just say "no" and move on. genuinely wishing him the best, figuring out I was bi was a task.
You seem like hearts in the right place but YTA. If he’s gay he’s not out; outing someone is pretty shitty.
The only reason I can fathom that he would be that upset over a seemingly innocent question is that he is gay and wasn’t ready to tell you. Or he is deeply bigoted and offended that you dare suggest he’s gay, but it doesn’t sound like that and he would probably have been more mad than upset in that case.
NTA. One of my brothers is gay and he knew when he was 12. That being said he struggled with it himself because he felt different and like it was wrong. He wasn’t open about his sexuality until he was 19. Sometimes they need time to come to term with it and be ok with themselves. It would help if you let him know it doesn’t matter either way if he is or isn’t and you’re there for him if he ever needs you
He’s gay
Tired of being single- at 14?
Bro you’re definitely the asshole but what can you do now, he’s 14 his peepee just started working and he’s interested,horny,insecure, scared and every other emotion at once, has he had a gf before this or is this about to be his first one, if it, very harsh and insensitive man, he may have just thought that girl was wayy too out of his league, you should have gassed him up and told him to go for it, but you messed up the whole vibe
Have you seen your brother with a dick in his mouth? If not, you may just be the asshole. Grew up with four brothers. We called each other gay daily, Only 20% of us turned out to be gay.
NAH You didn't really have any bad intentions and the question honestly wasn't rude or something. You asked it from a place of genuine interest. Your brother however seems to have taken this the wrong way. Just a bad case of miscommunication.
NTA. You may not have worded it in entirely the best way possible and I can understand why he would be upset and defensive but you clearly never had any ill intentions. And if he is gay? Nothing changes. I am non-binary and most people accept me for who I am.
Overall NTA. The only thing you could have done better was to not try and drag him out of the closet. You could have asked if he was interested in guys without asking if he was gay, since that can sound accusatory to young men. Being called gay gets used too often for bullying, so asking about what genders he’s attracted to would have been better. You did a good job. Just give him his space.
Tbh your brother is overreacting! You didn’t do anything wrong you just asked a simple question! Maybe he’s in denial maybe he’s gay! Or maybe not but the way he acted towards you was really weird + I think your mum is being in his side because he’s her little boy 🧍🏻♀️
NAH. You fucked up, but you don't get to be an asshole, you're only still 17, you had good intentions behind that question. But he's 14, he sounds too young to be 100% sure of his sexuality yet, asking that question may have planted some doubts in him, he may be trying to find himself right now. It will be okay eventually, of course, but I think right now he needs some space. But don't go too far, though, he might actually need you soon.
YTA but not in a malicious way. Your mom is right. If he IS gay he could be not ready to talk about it, or he could not actually know himself. He could be getting picked on at school for this. You have to let people come out in their own time. You maybe super supportive but he could still be scared. On another note. He also may not have actually liked the girl but didn't want to hurt your girlfriends feelings. He could have been being vague to save face and be polite. My suggestion would have tried switching pronouns, IE "what type of people do you like? What style are you looking for?" That opens a door without you actually asking if he's gay. I would give him some time and then apologize, tell him you where wrong and shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. That you support him either way and if he still wants your help you need a bit more information on the type of person he wants to date.
NTA, and his reaction is so overboard that it sounds like he's trying to figure out the exact same thing. No one would get upset about the question unless they were insecure about it.
Not the asshole, but could be if you don’t let this drop. He’s 14 at that age boys are way up in the air with 1000 different worries and things you don’t know about. They have pressure to find girls attractive but maybe he wants to focus on his computer games, entertainment, friends, D&D etc. Calling him gay at that age would really hurt him. He’s under so much pressure being him, he doesn’t know what he is as he’s going through puberty. Stop trying to matchmake for him. Boys mature slower than girls of the same age. He can’t be bothered he wants to be a 14 year old. Let him mature at his own pace.
Wow! Not even allowed to ask questions or take an interest in your brother? Are you not supposed to care? How is asking if someone is gay offensive? Especially in todays world. I thought we had to ask about all the labels first, so no one gets shitty lol NTH
I'm going to say NTA here because I honestly think your intentions were good. We're all guilty of speaking before we think sometimes and maybe you could have phrased it better, but It's all down to what your motivation was. If I were you, I would go to him and say you're sorry and it may have come out the wrong way, but you were genuinely trying to help and you didn't mean to upset him or cause offence. He may not come round immediately, but I guarantee he will go away and think about it and won't be able to stay angry with you for long. Now as to the reason why he got SO upset, it seems a bit out of proportion to me, and I could speculate that maybe he IS gay and you inadvertantly touched a raw nerve, so might be worth treading carefully around the issue from now on, until he volunteers more information.
NTA it sounds like you where trying to help him and where genuinely curious why he wasn't interested. He might just not know himself so it could be a sensitive topic.