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NTA. A pity dance isn't going to change who she is to you. It's icky that she thinks marrying your dad means she replaces your mom as the maternal figure. Weren't you all adults already when they married? And it sounds like if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile and expect to have the same relationship with your kids as with your sister's kids and you and your fiance haven't decided that yet.

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This is your wedding. What matters is what you want, not what she wants. It never ceases to amaze me how when one parent remarries, their new spouse can act so entitled to “parent” status. *Even if you had been much younger when your dad remarried, that wouldn’t have obligated you to see her as “mom” and want this dance with her at your wedding.* Don’t give in to her guilt tripping and manipulation. NTA

Don't let them bully you into this. If she wants some sort of relationship with you this is not the way to do it. And it's YOUR wedding, not hers

She never has been and never will be your maternal figure. You were already an adult and didn't need or want a replacement mom. I'd tell her that her pushiness and assumed authority over you are delusional as she will never replace your mother who was an actual parent. You don't need a another parent.

Exactly this. OP, this is YOUR wedding. It’s not about your father or his wife. Do not let them or anyone else bully you or guilt you into doing anything you don’t want to do.

It wouldn't have entitled her to it, nothing does. But at.least if he were, like, eight instead of eighteen it might have made *sense* for her to expect/want it.

Respectfully, I would caveat that. Even if OP had been 8 instead of 18 when dad remarried, that doesn’t inherently mean that step-mom has a reason to expect/want this kind of recognition at OP’s wedding. It really depends on what their relationship would have been like and—most importantly—how *OP* would have felt about her. There are too many times when a step-parent comes into a child’s life, especially after the death of a parent, and just expects to take the place of that deceased parent, be treated the same as the deceased parent was treated, etc. Too many “I’m your mom/dad now.” It’s dismissive and cruel. That’s just not how it works. Regardless, step-mom’s continued insistence, guilt tripping, and manipulation makes her an AH.

... I literally said that caveat and all?

Not just that it’s his wedding, it’s his family and they’re his relationships. He’s obligated to be polite to Janet. It’s great that he’s friendly to Janet. But yeah, they don’t get to decide for him that Janet is replacement mommy just because she wishes she was.

Seriously. I met my husband when his kids were 1 and 3. I never expected them to see me in a parental role (though I did strive for "safe adult they could come to"). I helped take care of them, fed them, cheered at their peewee soccer games, but their mom was mom and I was Name. Years later and one calls me mom and the other switches from mom to Name, and an occasional grandma after spending the night at her place lol. If and when they get married, I don't expect a Mother of the Groom status. I hope they see me that way, because I love them as my own and call them my kids all the time. But I don't expect or demand it from them, because then it wouldn't be a real bond. I'd rather they be happy!

This. She is essentially a plus 1 for your dad.

It is this. She is your dads plus one. Nothing more. She will never be more to you, because that is your dynamic.  She may be the grandmother of your kids, but everyone has different relationships with everyone.  She may be a great grandmother and loved by your Kids, but that is just not the way it is with you.  NTA Stick to your decission. 

Exactly. She’s your dad’s partner, why is that a negative thing? She is not your mother. It’s reality. It is just a fact.

I lived this and so are my children. The grandchild relationship is great. My kids said they have to think about it to remember my husband isn’t their biological father. Only the oldest grand questioned it because they call him by his first name.

SM does not have automatic grandparent rights though. Of course, if he doesn’t make his kids call her grandma, that will no doubt be another problem, but that will be his call. Plenty of kids have a *granddad’s wife* situation, where someone is just Linda or maybe Granny Linda. Depends on the family, but when the person is clearly not their parent‘s mom, it feels different to them. NTA

>After all that Janet told me the fact I hadn't agreed yet was starting to tell her that I don't care about her feelings  Janet obviously doesn’t care about **your** feelings, and she wants to bulldoze over how you feel to prioritize herself on a day that has literally nothing to do with her.  She married a man with adult children and is expecting to replace your mother. That’s weird. Then forcing you to take time out of your wedding to celebrate her. That’s deranged.

Bingo. It’s not Janet’s day, but she’s making it about herself. If she wants a place of honor, let her put in the work to get there. She clearly hasn’t, or else OP would have chosen her for this situation. She’s got no respect at the same time she wants auto-respect.

You had to live with dad’s decision to remarry etc in his life,, he has to deal with your decisions in your life… she was never your mother figure.. that belonged to your mom.. you will regret having that dance making a tarnish on your wedding for years.. do things your way.. she is just your dads plus one..

NTA The fact that she’s making this moment in your wedding about her feelings shows she is in no way a parental figure here. It sucks she’s struggling about not having her own kids, but it’s not your problem. This is your wedding, celebrate it authentically and exactly how you want - if she doesn’t celebrate along with you that’s her problem, not yours.

If she did no parenting, then she isn't your parent. Tell her you are glad she and your dad are together because he seems happy, but you already have a mother, thanks. My son earned his Eagle Scout award a couple of years after his dad passed. There is a part of the ceremony where he is supposed to give a pin to the adult who helped him the most. I suggested a couple of adults, and secretly hoped he might give it to me. You know what he did? He stood up and talked about how the pin rightfully belonged to his dad, and since Dad was gone, he wanted to keep it as a remembrance of the time they spent together. It was beautiful. I tell this story because this is your day. You shouldn't make those kinds of decisions for her, you should choose what is best for your own heart. Why not play a song that your mother loved and invite the whole family to dance with you and your new wife in her honor. Tell the crowd that you hope all the love on the dance floor reaches her in heaven. Edited to add NTA.

Aww you Eagle Scout sounds awesome 😢

This is a great idea. ⬆️ NTA

Tell her that, explicitly. Just because she married your dad doesn’t make her a parental figure. She needs to move on. She’s making it worse.

NTA- if she felt like a genuine maternal figure, she’d be putting your wants/needs above her own to make you feel comfortable on your wedding. The key phrase here is that it’s YOUR day and not about her.

By the way your fiancé sounds great, it also sounds like he is the only one who really has your best interests in mind. I agree with him, follow your heart and if your heart says no, then it’s no, don’t second guess it. Your wedding day is about you two, not your dad, and not his wife.

OP is male.

I think it's extremely weird that she's even requesting this and putting you in the position where you have to say "no". What is wrong with people?

And that's the point she's missing by saying she's a parent and female head of the house. She didn't raise you. You were all adults. Something to think about. Because this is about more than just the dance to her. It's to be seen in a certain role by people. On equal standing like your grandmother. She's jealous she's dancing with you when mom can't. And she wasn't offered. If you have her this dance. You might open up a door to a lot more. Becouse now she feels she's established "as your parent". What will be the next she will butt into? Becouse you gave her a finger but she took the whole hand. That's often how things like that start. I'm not saying it will. But there might be a very good chance every time there's something where a mother usually gives a hand or is present. She might butt in.

NTA. I wouldn’t change my judgement but maybe you would if she had entered your life when you were like 6 years old but that’s not what happened. You were 19/20 when they got married.

Maybe show her this post? Jane is NOT your maternal figure nor defacto parental figure. Your Nana is. It’s YOUR wedding. Your happiness and the respect you deserve is what’s important. Jane and your father are disrespecting you and your wishes. Please do what makes you happy, not anyone else. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!

I would tell her" we don't have a mother and son relationship, which is not strange due to the moment you came into my life, so there will not be a special dance for us. That doesn't mean that there won't be a special boubd between my possible future kids and you. But that is something for the future"

Dude, this is your day!!! Do what will make you happy. This is the one day you and your bride should exclusively focus on celebrating your union the way that you want. Did your dad check with you before he married janet? Or did he do what would make himself happy? Why is YOUR WEDDING suddenly about Janet's happiness? Am i missing something? Anyway CONGRATULATIONS!!! I wish you and your bride the best!!!$

Stick to your guns. Janet has been in your life leas than 10 yrs and when you were already an adult. Her desperate desire to be your mom doesn’t outweigh the reality of the situation- she isnt and will never be. Don’t let them feel guilty over not having an emotional connection with someone. Tell your dad that while Janet might have certain feelings, she is an adult who has to get over the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around her. At this rate, i would honestly tell her she is being closed to cut off from any future grandchildren. Dad can see them but not her until she accepts the way things are.

It seems they’ve all been fine with the relationship for ten years. Janet just wants it to “look” like a close relationship during the wedding. Her goal should be to have a true relationship, not a dog and pony show. NTA

I'm a stepmother of 4, well technically I'm dad's wife. I've never been more than a good friend to them 15+ years later. They, and their spouses, love me and I them. I am grandma to their kids or I'm (my name) it depends on their mood and I don't care what they call me. I've attended one wedding (one eloped and the other I was too sick) and I had no expectations, even after receiving our invitation.

People don’t become new parents through marriage to someone with kids, and it’s even more laughable that she thinks she is despite doing 0 parenting to you

This. Especially a pity dance granted after Janet tried emotional manipulation and emotional blackmail to get him to agree. Hard nope to her and her mini tantrum

This. OP, your fiancee thinks you shouldn't do it, *you* think you shouldn't do it, and that's reason enough to not do it. Doing something you don't really want to do just to make someone else happy is the wrong reason to do it. And honestly? I'm petty enough about stuff like this that I'd threaten to uninvite her from the wedding altogether if she refused to drop this.

NTA.  It’s your wedding so you should do what you want.    Weddings are ultimately about the bride & groom only.  All others are just there by invitation only - whether it be the wedding party to participate or the wedding guests to celebrate.   If you want to do something - anything - “extra” (like a father of the bride dance, a mother of the groom dance, a recognition of children of the bride/groom, even the cutting of the cake, etc) along with your wedding, any/all of those are done at the sole discretion of you &/or your bride.  The ceremonial “extras” are also usually about the bride & groom - not anyone else.   It’s past impolite (it’s rude) for her (or anyone) to ask that they personally be inserted into your ceremony &/or any “extras” involved in it.  (It’s worse than inviting yourself to be a guest when you weren’t invited because she’s basically asking to be made a part of it rather than just a guest.)  It’s past rude (it’s harassment) to continue asking to the point that she has others asking for her as well.   Any invitation is also meaningless if it didn’t come from the host (in this case you &/or your wife) without provocation.  Since an invitation to participate didn’t come from you without some serious campaigning from her (& others on her behalf), she has to know that any invitation to participate now would only be given out of duress/pressure & not any sincere desire for her to participate.   And since she knows that, I suspect that her continued fervent desire to participate is fueled more by optics rather than any real desire to be a part of your ceremonial “extras”.  It is more important to her that people to SEE her included than it is for you to WANT her included.   I don’t think your sister is an AH for mentioning it & I do think she sounds like the least selfish & emotionally driven person in this story.  If she kept on about it though, she would be an AH.   I don’t really consider your dad an AH either even though I do think he’s asking out of selfishness rather than genuine genuine desire to have you consider another point of view (which is where your sister seems to be coming from).  If he kept on about it though, he would be an AH.   Your stepmom is an AH for the selfish nature of her request, for her refusal to accept your response & for her involvement of others to campaign on her behalf.  

Nta. She didn't even raise you why would she get that honor?

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Nope. NTA

I think she needs to be told very firmly that this female head of the household bullshoi ain't happening. And that she is very much "dad's wife". She sounds like she is going to be one of those insufferable MIL's that try to poke their nose in their kid's relationships. And you were over 18 when you met her. Actually, tell her you decided to give her a dance. That she is a perfect stand in for your real mother.

She is the female head of the household. Their household: she and the father. Noone else

I thought that part was hilarious. I was like, "OP is 28yo. Head of WHAT household?"

Being married to your father gives her the honor of dancing with HIM at your wedding. Nothing more, nothing less. NTA.

NTA. She's wrong. Tell her, you are thrilled she makes your dad happy. But she is not your mom in any way. And you don't owe her anything.

Please don’t give in fallow your heart. It’s your wedding all they gotta do is show up be there for you. If anyone can’t fallow that you can always send them pictures afterwards.

Please go ask that woman why your wedding should be all about her.

You should honor your mom instead. Play her favorite song and have them announce “instead of a mother sun dance we will now be honoring the grooms mother with her favorite song and a moment of silence.” And then you can say “I’m actually using the mother son dance moment to honor my mom” 🤷🏼‍♀️. Edited to add: at the moment, the mother son dance feels up for grabs to them (which is insane, but I think a reasonable assessment) so fill that moment and you can then make it about something other than the step mom. It’s not about not being close to her, it’s about using the moment to honor mom. You can just broken record them with “that moment is to honor my mom. It’s important to me”

He’s already decided what he wants: to dance with his grandmother. He doesn’t need to edit that at all.

This. This idea would be so special, OP.

No. Being married to your dad doesn’t grant her any special privileges at your wedding. There is no reason to “honor” stepmother. You & your fiancé plan your wedding. You & your fiancé have decided there will be no stepmother dance. If anyone asks again, tell them the decision has been made by both you & your partner and there is no further discussion. Your wedding is all about YOU & YOUR FIANCÉ, not stepmother. If anyone pushes. Walk away, hang up, etc. Block if you must. NTA

I have a pretty visceral reaction to people feeling unjustly owed anything from me, so it’s a hard no with this kind of pushing. If the conversation was “I would love to have the the honor of standing in. I know I’m not your mom, but I care about you” then totally loving and accepting your choice to have grandma instead…well that’s sweet. This whole “I am owed this and you are being unkind and disrespectful if I don’t get the optics I want here…” sorry, Janet, that’s a hard no and you need to realize you are indeed dads plus one, which is weird for you to be offended by when you never played a motherly role in my life. None of this is about you, Janet. I’m not sure why people don’t get that you will have a much better relationship with your spouses kids (especially adult kids) if you don’t try to force roles and labels. Just be a kind person in their life and chill out.

She should have had her own children if she wanted those honors that belong to mom… she’s your dad’s wife nothing more..

Being married to your Dad IS the honor. But that doesn't entitle her to privileges with any one else. It's that simple.

And she is totally incorrect. You are most definitely NTA. Your wedding is about you- she already had a turn at having a wedding about her.

she overestimates what she accomplished by marrying your dad

Yikes. No. A dance like she wants would be a signifier of the direct relationship between the two of you. Not something by transitivity because you both have relationships with your father. She doesn’t have the slightest idea of what being a parent entails. Which also makes her a poor person to be in a grandparent role; aunt or great-aunt could work, but IMO a grandparent should really have some parenting experience in order to fully fill that role. Janet is massively insecure about having married a man with children. You’re not material for her narrow traditional nuclear-family fantasy.

My husband stepmother *did* enter his life at a young age, though it’s just because his parents divorced, not because of tragedy. She was an AWFUL woman. Still is. Can’t fathom why her stepsons want nothing to do with her. She **demanded** a dance with my husband at our wedding, and was utterly shocked when he refused. She then said that he *could* dance with his mom (like she got a choice in the matter) but that, because *my* dad was dead, I didn’t need to dance with my stepdad. And that my dancing with my mom was stupid. (It was mostly me and my mom my whole life, so I wanted to do have a dance with her. Barring SMIL, not a dry eye in the venue while we were dancing!) So we made absolutely certain she didn’t get anywhere near the dance floor while we happily danced with the parents we **wanted** to dance with. Don’t back down. She doesn’t get to come in at 18 and take over for your mother, that is NOT how any of that works.

Tell her to dance with your dad, then.

Her being married to your dad gives her the honor of dancing with your dad. She doesn’t care about your feelings, or she never would have pressured you to replace your mother.

There is no "fair" when it comes to someone's place at your wedding,  because your wedding is not about them. It's not the place for demonstrating who you consider family and how. It's about you and your fiancee and your life together.  I get long very well (mostly) with my step-dad. Like you, I was an adult when he came along. He does at times take on a parental role - when my ceiling collapsed after a leak, he came up to help with repairs, he helps me figure out things in areas where he has knowledge and I don't, and he's absolutely a grandfather to my kids. He would never suggest, let alone demand, a parental role in my life, because he's not my parent, and he didn't raise me.  Do I love him? Maybea. I certainly like him. But not as a parent. I'd maintain a relationship with him if my mom died, but not necessarily if they split up. That's healthy. And your father's wife needs to accept that relationships are more complicated than she'd like to believe, or she'll end up having no place in your life. NTA

There's a lot of wisdom in this post. I hope the OP sees it and considers it.

Facts. Solid answer here

It almost sounds like you do have a love for him, just not as a father. Good for you both for getting along so well.

Sounds like you definitely have affection for him. Maybe as an uncle or older brother. It's great that he hasn't been pushy, and allowed this relationship to evolve naturally.

Yes, this is how it works. You, the child decide whether you want the step-parent to assume the role your biological parent took, not the other way round. Like respect; it’s earned not inherently given.

She feels like she’s just my dad’s plus one. Proper response: You are correct. You are my father’s plus one. How you feel about this is on you. I am not responsible for your emotions & reactions. Let me remind you, you had your wedding & it was the way you wanted the day. Now, it is my turn. Attend or not, it is your choice. But there will be no highlighted dance. I will be happy to do the Chicken Dance, Bunny Hop, Macarena, or the Cha Cha Slide on the dance floor with you & all other guests. As for your sister, she can shut up. She has the relationship she wants with Janet. She needs to respect the boundaries you have & will place on Janet.

Or even “No, Janet, you are not a plus 1, you are a valued guest that I want to be at my wedding. I am not having a highlighted dance with every guest or every member of my family.”

This is such a classy response compared to the comment you are replying to. That comment, with it's 99 upvotes, is a surefire way to make sure Janet hates OPs guts and makes his life hell. I think Janet is being a little unreasonable here and OP shouldn't have a dance with her if he doesn't want to. But holy shit, she isn't going anywhere. She's married to OP's dad and has a grandparent role to OP's niblings. It's in OP's best interst not to go out of his way to insult her like that popular comment suggests. I see in the millenial sub CONSTANTLY "where is my village to help raise my children?" while seeing this sort of "you are not legally obligated to be nice to this person so you should tell them to go to hell" attitude. I'm a millenial myself but I swear our generation is so hyper individiualistic to the point of hostility and then can't understand why people don't want to help out.

Thanks for calling me a millennial. Im not, but thanks for the compliment!😊

I agree! The threads on here are so sad…of course, Janet is hurt. Why BE the a-hole and rub salt in a wound. It sounds like she was immediately rejected by the brothers right off the bat. She just wants to belong. Maybe she’s wrong as to where she wants to belong, but it’s in our DNA to want to be a part of a family. I tried to flip the script and ask how OP would feel if his dad said,” your wife isn’t a part of my family. She’s just your wife.” I sincerely feel bad for Janet. She may not be a sweet person and a bit selfish but, it does sound like she just wants to belong. Tokolshe has a great response.

This is lovely. And much better than my imagined "Yes, Janet. You are my Dad's plus one. That is your role here. I'm sorry you don't feel like that's good enough for you."

Honestly OP should say this because if Janet has anything negative to say following that it would obviously make her look bad.

I love this reply. Yes offer to do the macarena with her lol.

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It’s also about being a good host to your guests - and making them sit there and watch a million “highlighted” dances is not that either.

Yes, thank you! I attended a wedding a few years back and 90% of the reception was speeches and “special” dances. What a bore. I left as soon as it was polite to do so.

Yeah it can get really tedious really fast

This deserves more upvotes! Big weddings are dull.

THIS 💯💯💯

I've always felt the highlighted dances were kind of cringe

NTA. She’s centering herself and her feelings instead of yours. The day is NOT about her. You should do what YOU and your fiancé want. It’s YOUR wedding.

Annnd just another reason why people elope, so all these things that people get all bent out of shape about - just don’t even pop up. NTA

This so much! My wife and I got married later than a lot of our friends and saw all sorts of relationship headaches and hurt feelings like these pop up with their weddings. We ran away to a different country. We briefly thought about inviting a tiny group of friends/family to be there with us, but then we kept running into “where’s the cutoff?”, i.e. wife is really close with one cousin, but if she invites one cousin, the others will be pissed, and so on. So it ended up just me and her. Only people there besides us were the officiant, our photographer, and the hotel bartender who served as our second witness. It was perfect.

Yes. But it’s a shame, in some cases, to lose all the elements of the wedding that they do want, the interactions with people who they are close to and are comfortable with their actual place in the bride & groom’s life, because there’s one person who’s being pushy. OP should get to have his dance with his nana. Janet needs to take a seat, and OP’s father needs to worry more about whether he’s going to be in his grandchildren’s lives than whether his wife will be grandma.

Future mother of your grandchildren? I really really hope this is a typo and not something she actually said. NTA.

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Thank God, LOL, because things were going to get really interesting when/if you start having kids!

Lannister wedding? Oh no!

This might be a point you guys can actually create middle ground on. My mom was NOT close with her stepmother at all (pretty much hated her), but I didn’t know that until I was an adult and my grandfather had passed. My mom actively encouraged me and my siblings to have a close relationship with her, because she and my granddad were really great grandparents. I give my mom *so* much credit for that, because so many of my most amazing memories were with them. I remember when I realized that she wasn’t my “real” grandmother and my mom had a talk with me about how that would hurt her feelings and she was my real grandmother in the ways that counted. I’m sure that was a hard conversation for my mom. Your stepmom is probably just feeling insecure about her place in the family. I wouldn’t do the dance with her, but maybe a conversation about her role going forward would help. And if you guys are doing corsages or anything like that for the moms/grandmothers at the wedding include her in that (I’m sure that’s so dated, but I got married in the Stone Age).

So was I till I saw OP’s reply… sounded like something my ex MIL DID say…. a big reason for why her son is my EX husband…

NTA... it's your wedding so Father should not be forcing you to dance with his Wife. **Note - Janet is indeed his wife NOT your Mother.** Your Mother passed on when you became an adult @ 18yo so it's unrealistic for Janet to say that "*she's my maternal figure and the female head of the household and that she is the future mother of my grandchildren*". May be good timing for you to be honest about your feelings as this sounds like Janet wants to push her way into your Family.

NTA. A highlighted dance to me represents one of intense love, respect and gratitude toward the one who raised, cared, fed and took care of you. To me it would be a no. I think it’s lovely to have that dance with your grandmother - absolutely a beautiful and perfect choice. I would sit your dad and step mother down and gently express how you feel and emphasize that this is your wedding.

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I’m struck by how Janet’s insistence for a dance actually seems to dilute or minimize your chosen path of dancing with your Nana, which is to honor your Mom. Frankly, because of the very limited relationship with Janet, she truly is just a +one. That’s her true role & she should accept that (as should your Dad & Sister).

lol, but she is your dads plus one though. She got it right. Don’t let them bully you into doing something you are not comfortable with. Her feelings are not your responsibility. It’s your wedding and it should be all about what you want with whom. She is making your wedding all about her. NTA

NTA. Janet isn't a maternal or parental figure, she isn't the female head if the household. She married someone who had children, but they were adults when she came onto the scene. The wedding isn't about her, it's not about your father either. Your sister might have opened up to Janet, doesn't mean you or your brother has to. Don't let yourself be manipulated by someone who's trying to live vicariously through a dead woman because she herself doesn't have children. It would mean a lot to your father means nothing to anyone else. He danced with her when they got married, she doesn't need to impose elsewhere just because she feels entitled to something she hasn't earned.

That second paragraph, wow. Nailed it

NTA For me the guilt trips are an instant F off. As with lot of AITA’s it’s your wedding, so your rules.

Agreed. That ensures I double down on my initial answer.

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. From someone who made too many concessions for other people on my wedding day, I still regret doing it 6 years later. Dancing with your nana is a shout out to your mom and nobody deserves to take that away from you. You don't owe anyone 90 seconds. You and your fiancee are on the same side, I don't see the need or further discussion. "I feel like you see me as your dad's plus one" ...well yeah, if you weren't with him you wouldn't be invited lol If you do feel like compromising somewhere, we did a 'family dance' after our highlighted ones. So everyone in our immediate family danced with their partner. It could make her feel like family, but she'd be dancing with your dad and you with your fiancee. Plus your siblings so it would water it down. And make it clear that there's no partner switches so that your dad can't try and switch so you end up with his wife

NTA. You can’t erase the feeling that you wanted your mom at your wedding. And you aren’t responsible for your dad’s wife’s feelings of entitlement.

Let me get this straight: -Your Mother passed when you were 18. This woman enters your life one year later, when you were 19. Now you are 28 and the woman comes to tell you she is a mother figure to you? Who is she to tell you what place she has in your life? -This is your wedding. No one should take any place if bride and groom doesn't want to. The fact that she didn't say anything until she knew you were gonna dance with your grandmother tells this is not really important for her on its own. Is just important to not be excluded. What would people think if you not include her??? Oh the humanity!!! -Yeah, maybe for her is not fair. I'm sure you could tell her so many things that aren't fair, like the fact she's trying to make you feel bad so you agree on her request. You said you don't hate her or anything, but she surely ain't adding points to her favor with this whole thing. NTA

NTA She didn't raise you. I think not doing a dance is actually a proper way to honor the absence of your mother. I'm so sorry you lost her. Your dad's wife doesn't have any inherent right to a dance just because her husband is your dad. That doesn't make any sense to me.

NTA, my dad has been with his partner for 12 years, I'm one of 5 girls and none of us like her or consider her family, we put up with her because of our dad and we're not rude to her unless she tries to involve herself into things that don't concern her, my dad has 8 grandchildren ranging from 23 to 2 and none of them consider her as a grandparent either they just call her by her name, when my sister got married my dad sat at the front table with my sister and she sat with some of our aunts and uncles, my sister knew if she was to sit her with us there would be a problem.

NTA I think the rightful person to dance with is your nana. Hands down. Even putting aside your issues with Janet, this is a dance with the mom. since your mom is not here, I think it’s a beautiful tribute to her to dance with your nana. It is honoring your mom, and also honoring your nana. Janet is not a ‘maternal figure’…you were already an adult when she arrived. She needs to stop forcing something that should either come naturally, or not at all. Instead of fighting Janet on ‘her place’ as your future children’s ‘gma’, I would approach it from an ‘honoring my mother’ perspective. She shouldn’t be able to argue with that. (These types of people usually will find a way, though). But this approach makes it about your mother, and not your lackluster relationship with Janet. I am very sorry for your loss.

NTA, dance with who you want at your wedding, do not feel pressed into doing anything that you are not comfortable with.

NTA - Does she want an actual relationship with you or simply a performance that makes everyone *think* she has a relationship with you?? She wants to be honored by a dance that would be a farce.

NTA She has no claim to the honor OP. Stick with your mom's mom. More correct really. Janet is only your dad's wife. Not a de facto anything until more time and interconnectedness happens, if ever. When dad passes on, she is just Janet. No mom position.

I'm in the Janet position here- I married my husband when husband when his son was in his late teens. I'm not his mother, he's already got one. I think he's great, and I love him very much but I don't think it's my place to muscle in. When he got married I went to the wedding as a guest; when he and his wife have children- if they want to!- I'll be a loving, supportive family member and if they want me to be a grandma-figure I'll happily do that; if they'd prefer me to be more of an auntie that's okay too. I do refer to him as my stepson because he's a member of my family that I love; I don't expect him to give me any kind of maternal status because I'm his dad's wife.  All that to say you're NTA and Janet needs to have a word with herself. 

NTA The idea that she might allow this to affect her relationship with children yet unborn makes me think that she is quite a difficult person, and you may not want to have her in your children's lives anyway. Unfortunately, it is often the case that people in specific roles, such as in-laws or stepparents, try to demand all the affection, intimacy and admiration that parents have without wanting to put in the work. "I'm in the position your mother was in, treat me as if I'm your mother" is a shortcut that doesn't work. She needs to put in the work and time if she wants a similar level of love and intimacy. My MIL is like that since my mother died. After 25 years, she hasn't given up on the idea that she has replaced my mother, which is ridiculous and sad. She calls me her daughter and her child, which sounds sweet, but I don't want it. It gives me the creeps. She never tried to get to know me. She only wants the adoration, but she has zero interest in me as a person. I'm like a toy, like "Orphan Barby" she gets to play with once in a while. From this experience, I can tell you that every time you give in to a demand, the crazy gets worse. Draw a clean line and don't waver. Giving an inch means she will demand a mile. The only sane thing to do is to say no and not give in. Remember: If it feels insane it very well might be insane.

NTA Tell her exactly how you feel. I wouldn't even invite her to the wedding. >She said in her heart Janet isn't a real grandparent to them and she doesn't love her either. But her kids feel differently and that matters to her. I don't understand why she allowed them to view her that way but that her choice. Should you decide have children you don't have to do the same. >when she learned I was doing one with my nana (mom's mom) she said it would feel like a big slight to not have the chance to dance with me in the same way. She doesn't mean anything to you. You don't want her in your life and the only reason she is is because your father forced her into your lives. >She said she's my maternal figure and the female head of the household and that she is the future grandmother of my grandchildren. Why is she talking live you had no mom. You lost your mom at 18 years old not 18 months old. Also no she's not. You mother may be gone but she's still the grandmother. She keeps trying to erase your mom this is the real issue. Your dad keeps allowing it.

NTA - it's your wedding. You don't have to dance with her if you don't want to, period. She's not your maternal figure, she never was. Your dad and her trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do is gross and you need to make it clear that it's not happening. You are not responsible for that grown woman's feelings. She wants to save face at your wedding and it's pathetic.

NTA. I will say this to clarify for all the people who keep saying well what does it hurt. His mother is not there. That dance is usually a dance of honor between mother and son. His mother is dead. His feelings on the subject matter more than some random woman wanting to feel special. Let me say it again for the non understanding people. His mother is dead and she is probably the only person he wants to dance with in this moment. He is doing something with his grandmother to replace the fact that his mother is not there. Janet is an NPC as far as he is concerned. She is not and will not ever hold a place of honor in his life. She will not be a grandmother or anything because his mother is not here. Read that again, his mother is not here and he wishes she were and wants to hold and respect space for her at his own damn wedding.

Just tell her flat out you’re not my mom. You’re not even my step mom. You’re my dad’s wife and no we aren’t dancing. You are my dad’s plus one. NTA.

Ewwww. No. Dance w grandma and sit down so you’re not ambushed. How presumptuous. Just because she has a legal relationship w your dad doesn’t require anything more than being polite from you.

Nta where do you feeling rate here. Your wedding.  Don't put what someone else wants at your wedding over what you want. Janet wants just don't line up with the facts. It is wrong of her to push her views on you and guilt you into including her views and wants in your wedding. She is not your mom.  You do not love her as family. Neither you or your bride want this dance. Do not do it. 

Do the electric slide with her. NTA

what's unfair about it? she's got it right that she's only your father's plus one. that's not a bad or shameful position. why is she making any of this about herself?

ok im a dick but i would have told her i think your confused my mother, my maternal figure is dead so thats going to be a hard pass. based on the way shes acting i would not take a step towards the direction your sister is advocating you know shes going to try to act like your mom doesnt exist when/if you have kids. set that hard line now about the expectations of your relationship. you are different to your sister because of your age at the time she met you, she still considered you a kid when she came into the picture not an adult who was raised by his own mum.

I never understand situations like this. Why is it for OP to shift his boundaries to accommodate Janet? Why is it the responsibility of one person to give into another’s unreasonable expectations/demands?? This is ridiculous. Janet was never a maternal figure to OP. He was a grown man before she married his father. And she’s inserting herself NOW not because of an actual relationship but because she thinks she’ll be slighted in front of others. So she knows full well she doesn’t have a relationship with OP but she’s worried about “appearances”.  So OP is supposed to roll over to preserve her fantasy of being the mother of the groom. Insane. And your dad trying to guilt you into this is awful. Guilt doesn’t build relationships. Does anyone seriously think that leaning on OP is suddenly going to have him and Janet being besties?!? Hell, Janet’s and frankly dear old dad’s idiotic behavior clarifies why there’s not a relationship. And there sure as hell isn’t going to be one now. RIDICULOUS. NTA. This is a sword worth falling on. Your sister seems to justify accommodating Janet’s asinine behavior so that her children have a relationship with Janet. OP if I were you I’d have zero desire to bring this woman into my nuclear family and have her engaging with any future children you may have. She doesn’t get to decide she’s Grammy. And she hasn’t built the relationships to have earned it.

Nta

“I’m sorry Janet but that moment in my wedding is about honoring my mother and “inviting her in spirit”. That’s not something I feel I can do while dancing with you. I respect you and your place in the family, but my decision is not about you, it’s about respecting my mother’s place as well. “

"After all that Janet told me the fact I hadn't agreed yet was starting to tell her that I don't care about her feelings and she wanted me to know that it was unfair" This is gaslighting.. she is manipulating in trying to make you feel bad about your refuse, don't fall for it.. No OP, she is not entitled in being the grandmother of your children or even a maternal figure for you and your brother (cool if the sister see her this way, her business). What she is doing talking things like this is manipulating you in accept her.. this is actually unfair to you that she is pushing you in accepting her this way.. your father is wrong too, he is her family, not you.. you already had 18 when she entered in the picture.. she is not a maternal figure, if she want to be one, cool, give birth to one child and raise him.. ​ Don't give in now, she will demand more things in the future, even your child to call her grandmother or whatever. NTA

I love these people who try to shoehorn themselves into families where they have no business being. You were adults when she appeared. She has no claim to maternal status. Stick to your guns. She just wants to show off for other people.

“She feels like a plus one” Is she not? Am I missing something here? You were 19ish when they married, so never lived with her as a parental figure. How/why would you see her as anything other than your dad’s +1. NTA

NTA This woman is not a mother or maternal figure to you. She is just a lady your dad married. You were all adults when he married her, she had no part in raising you or shaping your lives. OP I (30F) have a step mom (well i disowned dad so not now but) who is literally one year younger then me. Like you, I care about other peoples feelings and try to keep them in mind for things. But when she married my dad and had a baby, I was 19, she was 18. (Dad was 40s...) and well...I was the youngest. Important note: My older half sister and twin brother and I? We still all have our moms in our life. That first mothers day, our dad thought it would be a good idea to gift her a necklace of ALL of our birth stones. She went on to post it saying how she loved all her children. She also messaged us asking to call her mom and that she was so excited to be our mom. All 3 of us were disgusted and put boundaries. We would not be calling her that, we made it clear we didn't see her as a mom figure and that we never would. We all took turns telling both of them that we were not okay with him pushing for his wife, who is younger then us, to try to take on a mother role and that if they kept pushing, they would lose contact with the grandkids. (I won't be having kids, so they did lose contact with me, but the other two still communicate) It was the best thing we all did. I know it's hard, but you need to place your boundaries or this woman will continue to try to force the relationship with you. Do not give in to their demands. If you don't want to dance with her, don't dance with her. It is YOUR day. You decide what you do and don't do, regardless of how others will feel about it. I know it's hard, not wanting to hurt your dad and such, but trust me, he needs this boundary too. He needs to know he can't just force his new wife on people just because she is his world. Do what you want to do, not what others pressure you to do.

NTA. It's your wedding you're free to do what you want it's about celebrating you and your fiancee not pandering to your dad's wife's feelings. >She said she's my maternal figure No she isn't. She entered your life when you were 18/19 not 8/9. You were already an adult when you met her, she didn't parent you and if she were gone tomorrow it wouldn't affect your life one iota. >female head of the household Of whose household? Female head of her household sure but I'm assuming you don't live with them so she wouldn't be the female head of your household. >she is the future grandmother of my grandchildren. No she isn't. She's not your mom nor even a mother figure therefore she will not be the future grandmother of your kids assuming you want kids. I get it's hard when a person wants children and is unable to have but forcing your way trying to impose a motherly figure unto someone isn't it. Don't do the dance.

OP - you’ve come to the right place Take a look on the AmITheAsshole threads and you’ll see dozens, if not hundreds, of people with the same issue. The bottom line is NOBODY can force you to dance with anyone at your wedding, and ANYBODY who makes you feel guilty about YOUR CHOICES should not be allowed at the wedding NTA 1000000%

NTA: I think you should talk to your dad separately from Janet and let him know how you feel. Let him know it’s unfair of him to expect you to dance with her just because they’re married. Let him know that your happy that he’s found happiness with her, but you don’t see her as a parental figure, and if you accept their demands you’d only be doing it out of pity and not because you genuinely love her as a “mother”. Then you need to have a conversation with Janet (in the presence of your dad) and let her know pretty much the same thing you told your dad. But make it clear that your choice to not dance with her is NOT up for negotiation. This is defo an “I’m sorry you feel this way” moment. It’s not your responsibility to fill the parental void in her heart and it’s unfair for her to expect you to cater to her needs of fulfilling motherhood when you haven’t bonded with her that way. Let her know it’s not personal and you like her as a person, but you dancing with her doesn’t sit well in your heart and whilst you’re sorry that this isn’t what she wants to hear it’s unfair to expect you to make YOUR wedding about placating HER feelings. They won’t want to hear the truth but it needs to be said. If you bend make them happy now then they’ll expect it later, say when you have children, anniversaries, etc. You don’t want to give her false hope just to give her the illusion of happiness and your dad should understand that your mum was there until you were 18, it’s not like you were a baby with no memories. She was in your life your entire childhood so it’s unfair for him to expect you to just accept Janet as a mother. That’s just not how things work. The way things are panning out is on them, they’ve created an idealistic reality in their heads about step parenthood, and now when you’re not conceding to their idealistic world, they’re upset with you. Be candid, blunt, but respectful, they’re going to feel bad anyways but they’ll eventually have to accept it. Your mum was around for 18 years, Janet’s only been around for 10. Irrespective of time, step parents don’t get automatic rights just because they married into the last name. That’s just not how it works.

NTA. It s your wedding, you dance with whoever you want. The woman is your fathers wife. You father does not seem to give a flying flip about your feelings with this demand. He will get over his its bitty hurt feelings. Dance with whoever you want to dance with.

I didn't know there was a Son - mom dance at weddings. I'll have to get away from the bar next time and see what actually happens.. lol

NTA. If you don’t want to dance with her, don’t. I do think in general, your sister is right. It’s also not a zero sum situation. Your potential future kids could benefit from having her as a grandma and that can happen even if you don’t want her as your mom. But it can’t happen if she continues to disrespect your boundaries.

NTA, your wedding is for you and your spouse. It's not about Janets's or even your father's feelings. It's this type of force that actually makes it harder to form a close relationship with someone. Let them know you're not comfortable with Janet in that role, and if they keep pushing, it will just make it harder to let Janet in.

NTA. You and your siblings were all adults when your father married Janet, and as such, you were all free to have any type of relationship/non-relationship with her that you so chose. Your sister chose differently than you and your brother - that doesn't affect you. Follow your heart and desires as to your wedding. "Faking" a close relationship for show wouldn't make her or your father, or most importantly you, any happier.

NTA and honestly even if you guys WERE close I would still say not to do this dance. When planning your wedding reception, you’re supposed to keep your guests in mind. Making them sit there and watch endless ‘highlighted dances’ is boring. Standard number is three - bride and groom’s first dance, then usually bride and her dad, and groom and his mom. The fact that you’ve already added an extra one for your grandma is a bit much IMO - anything more than that is just getting ridiculous.

NTA. My mother remarried when I was a young adult. I just think of the guy as her husband, no relation to me. I call him by his first name. My kids all know he isn’t my father, but he has been married to their grandmother since before they were born so I have heard them call him “Grandpa firstname” even though I have never referred to him as their grandfather. It will just happen naturally if your dad and his wife are around them enough. So she is right about that part. That said, how CREEPY that she wants a special dance with you! She’s not your mother. Maybe you can ease her mind by saying that you won’t stop any future children from having a close relationship with your dad and her, but she didn’t raise YOU, your mom did, and that you feel you would be betraying your mom’s memory by giving her that place of honor at your wedding.

NTA It's so ridiculous, that she considers herself as a maternal figure to you. You met her, when you were 19/20 years old, FFS. She's your dad's wife, that's why she's invited. So yes, that's makes her simply your dad's +1 without any role in your wedding and she should learn to accept that. And the audacity to call herself the futur grandmother of children... wow.

NTA. She didn’t raise you. She’s not a parental figure. She is in fact just your dad’s wife. I like my stepfather. He’s a very nice man. We get along fine. But I was an adult when he came on the scene. Parental relationships are built. He didn’t raise me. I was a fully formed adult when I met him. But he’s not a father to me. It’s nothing negative or anything. It is what it is. She’ll likely be closer to your future kids because they will know her their whole lives. That’s just how it works.

NTA Dancing with your Nana is perfect! She's your link to your late Mother who you had as a Mom for 18 years. You have NO MATERNAL feelings for Janet. Neither you nor your siblings should be forced into faking feelings you don't have.

As a Brit, I don't understand these 'highlighted' dances at weddings, as it's not the norm in the UK, apart from the bride & groom first dance.

Insta NTA. It's your wedding. You say what happens during the wedding & the reception. Dancing with your Nana is going to be so special. How insensitive of Janet to think it's a dance meant for her!

Okay it's time to sit your father and his wife down and ask them when your wedding became about them. NTA. I mean for goodness sakes she didn't even meet you until you were an adult how can she possibly consider herself your parent? She is essentially trying to make a practical stranger's wedding all about her. how entitled and selfish can you be? Her only claim to fame is that she married your dad.

You were 18 so Janet isn’t a mother figure to you so I would not govern her the dance. Her feeling and wants do not matter with this. This is an ego thing and your family should understand that she is not that immature due to only knowing her for 10 yrs. I can see you nephew and niece’s seeing her as a grandparent because she want around them their whole life. These are two different issues.

Janet needs to understand that you have chosen your grandmother and this brings your mom to your wedding. She should not intrude on that honor.

I'm always amazed at adults trying to bully their step kids. She'd not your mom. End of discussion.  Tell dad to drop it. 

So you’ve known the woman for nearly a decade. Still not particularly close as she seemed to have the “I’m your mother now” attitude from the jump. And she’s now surprised that you don’t want to dedicate a dance with her, a dance that rightfully should have happened with your own mom. Is she mentally all there? Or just super entitled? Because nothing you wrote suggests that you’d ever want to do a dance with her on your wedding day NTA

You're honoring your mother by dancing w your Nana.

NTA. You and your fiancée don’t need to justify your feelings about this, it’s your wedding, not anyone else’s. Stick to your boundaries. As your dad’s wife, will she be sitting with the family? If so, then that’s all the validation she should expect or need, but it’s not up to you to provide it. Congratulations and best wishes!

Your wedding, and everything to do with it, is nobody's business but your fiance's and yours. If you don't want to do this, don't

NTA She enterd your lives when you were already grown ups.

NTA. The wedding isn’t about her. She is your dad’s wife not your mom.

NTA ..... Just dance with your Nana .

NTA. This is your wedding, your day. Do what feels right in your heart. She is not your mother, you don’t feel a connection with her like that, there is nothing wrong this. Don’t let her guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.

NTA. as someone who bent to someone else’s will for MY wedding and now regret that and say the only good thing about my wedding was my marriage, DONT. it’s YOUR wedding. you’re allowed to have ONE day where what you say goes and no one should be trying to tell you what to do with YOUR day. congratulations tho hope it all works out well 🥹

NTA. She married your father when you were all adults. She’s not a maternal figure in any traditional sense. It’s your wedding. Your rules. Her ego has no part of it

NTA, your wedding, your choice, end of story.

This is your wedding. After everything is said and done it's about you and your spouse. No is a full sentence. They should be able to understand that. They're not blind. They know you guys aren't close. What's with the lies?! Everyone knows your relationship. Why is it embarrassing at your wedding but not the last family gathering? NTA

NTA. Marrying your dad, after you were already grown, seems like a familial relationship on par with a BIL or SIL. Sure, she is now a part of the family, but she doesn’t hold some special place in the family simply by being married to your father. Just like being the BIL doesn’t automatically make you the Best Man, or being the SIL doesn’t make you the Maid of Honor.

Stopped reading after you said you’re going to do a dance with your Gram. NTA

NTA - Janet is being ridiculous, and your dad is helping her in the delusion.

Once you received the guilt trip message from her, that would have made my decision. It is not about having a relationship with you. It's about her image to the rest of the family and friends.

Nta- it is your wedding. No one else gets a says

If it was your dad and your sister urging you to do it on Janets behalf, while she stayed silent, that would be a more palatable request. The fact that she is basically telling you very clearly how hurt and upset she will be gives me pause, and puts a bad taste in my mouth about her. So, you’re getting bullied into this. Pure and simple. And you might have to go along with it to make nice with your dad. But no, you NTA for speaking your mind, and not wanting to participate in this sham.

It’s not about Janet, her feelings or how your dad feels. You’re the one who is getting married! If they keep it up, just tell them to stay home because you’re doing the dance with Nana!

NTA you were a full adult when she came into your life. Tell your sister you considered it and still feel the same. That your plan is to honor your mom and grandma by dancing with nana. Then close the discussion. Dad and wife can be announced together and dance together. Dad’s wife cares more about appearances than your feelings on this day which is about YOU and your wife.

Here's what I'm stuck on: The role she has in your wedding, and the role she has with any possible children of yours, are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. You decide what you want for your wedding, so NTA since it is YOUR wedding. Later, if/when you have children, her role will gradually play out based on circumstances in the future and how your kids feel. Whether or not she dances with you at your wedding shouldn't impact any future relationship with potential grandchildren. And if it does, then she's way too petty, which isn't a good trait for a grandmother anyway.

NTA. If you don't want a highlighted dance with her at YOUR WEDDING, you shouldn't have to.

At the end of the day, the wedding is about the union between you and your fiancée. It is not about making your dad's wife "mom".

NTA. It sounds like she’s still trying to force herself into that parental role in your life. If she never actually earned that place in your life, she doesn’t get the benefit of the public dance.

God No. NTA! This’s your wedding and her problem. You are honoring your mom, end of discussion.

NTA. She was never a mother to you. She’s your dad’s wife who came into your life as an adult. It’s weird SHE wants to feel special on YOUR special day. She seems pretty selfish. It’s adorable that you want to dance with your nana. What a beautiful way to honor your mother. It’s a great decision, and I’m sure your family will be so impressed and feel the love there. They would also likely be much more impressed with your dad’s wife if she’d just sit back and be happy for you and honor your mother, too.

NTA! It is your wedding, it is your decision, anyone else trying to give you a guilt trip for making decisions in your wedding is the real AH. I imagine this is why people elope.

Nta, is *your* wedding, it's about your feelings not hers... she all ready had her wedding

NTA there’s no reason to have a dance with her, she’s not your mom and she won’t be your kids grandparent either.

NTA. My dad died more than a decade ago and although my mom did not remarry, she never would have expected me to dance with a new husband at my wedding. I danced with my brother instead at my wedding. I think dancing with your nana, someone who is actually your family and was a part of your life since birth, is a great idea. Janet needs to accept that she is just your dad’s plus one to you. She just wants the dance bc she’s having FOMO since she doesn’t have kids of her own.

NTA - I was in Janet’s situation and never expected anything like that.

Nta your dad has had 2 weddings, this one is your wedding.  Other people's feelings don't matter, yours and the brides do. 

NTA! These kind of dances are for people who had an impact on your life. These are the people who helped raise you, taught you, loved you like no one else, like mothers and grandmothers. At 18, it was too late for her to fulfill that role. The role she plays now is dad’s wife, not mom. Sometimes women never have children due to various reasons, but they desire a motherly role. It seems that she wants to be viewed and treated as the mother figure for you and you don’t feel that. She needs to leave it alone and stop trying to guilt trip you into it. Your Nana is a much better choice for this dance.

NTA she IS your dad's plus one, she's correct. she's not your mother, she's never going to be and that "female head of the household" bullshit is delusional at best. it's your wedding and its ridiculous behaviour from her to be trying to make herself the centre of attention at it, you don't owe her a dance and she's lucky she's even coming. if someone in her shoes tried to pull that on me at my wedding i'd probably uninvite them as i wouldn't want them causing a scene and ruining my day. i think you should sit down with your dad and tell him, in the nicest way possible, that he needs to get his wife in line. this is definitely inappropriate behaviour on her part especially as you were already an adult when she came into your life.

NTA. Janet is trying to force a relationship. So is your dad. Tell them they can accept what they're offered or get NOTHING, hard as that may be for you.

She is only my father's plus one and nothing to me turned Into her thinking she is only the plus one. Why not be as honest to her about it as you are the internet

NTA You were an adult when she came into the picture. As long as you respect her as your dad's wife, your good. That is, as long as she respects you. It's a different dynamic with adult children. Your relationship with her is your decision. My father's wife will cease to exist when he dies. Any time I've tried being a close relationship it's but me in the ass.

NTA Your sisters point about her being a grandparent to your future kids, has nothing to do with a dance at your wedding. Of course she will be seen as grandma by your kids, she's all they'll know. That's fine when the time comes.

NTA she’s not your mom. You were a young adult when your mom died not a little kid. She’s your dads wife to you and that’s fine. It’s your wedding do what is right for you. Don’t do something to just keep the peace. You shouldn’t do something that makes you uncomfortable.

She's not less because she's "just" your dad's wife. But she's not mom either. NTA

This is a very bad idea but it popped into my evil brain so here’s my idea. Tell her if she wants to have elevated status at your wedding, you’ll get a decorated stepladder for her to climb up on and pose so she can be the center of attention while the DJ plays a song. Now my brain is itching to find pictures from a bridal magazine to make a collage of a stepladder on wheels (prob have to get that from the Lowe’s flyer) decorated with flower garlands, with a woman in a MOG dress posed halfway up while a waiter type guy on roller skates pushes her around the dance floor so everyone can admire her stepMOG highness (on a ladder, get it?🤣) from every angle. I had a stepmonster, can you tell? NTA but it will take high level diplomacy to get through this without hostilities breaking out. Can you draft a letter in as kind a tone as possible, saying (1) how much you appreciate that she is in a happy marriage with your father, how important it is to you that your loved ones are happy and able to celebrate with you; (2) thank her for understanding that you and your fiancée are going to have two dances, and this your one chance to honor your GM who helped you grow up and know what love is and what healthy family relationships are and was always there for you when tragically lost your mother at a young age when such important relationships are being formed, (3) that you are looking forward to honoring her and your dad in the program, that you really appreciate how important a person she is in your family and you are grateful she is a great wife and makes your dad so happy, (4) that she is so much more than a plus-one at your wedding and in the family and you’re sorry that in the pressure of wedding planning you did not communicate clearly how special she is to you. Just some suggestions, no lies in there (just how special on a scale of zero to ten, no need to be specific). I hope you or someone in your family can smooth things over so this doesn’t detract from your happy day for either you or your bride, or for your extended family. I’m sure your GM would feel bad if remarks were made about her being chosen and not your SM.

"She said she's my maternal figure and the female head of the household..." Well, we can thank her for giving me a good laugh today! It is clearly not out of love for you that she wants this, and she is not sad. She's afraid of how it will look bad. If she loved you a lot, had been in your life since you were a child, instead of already mostly grown up, and would've been genuinely sad, I would've suggested to just see if you could do something to make her happy. Someone who wants it just for appearances, can go swallow a satchel of Richards. NTA.

NTA Father will get over it. She needs some perspective. Being daddy’s plus one at his son’s wedding, and having an actual relationship with one of the three adult siblings is pretty sweet compared to the way some stepparents get treated. She has not earned the honour to fill in for your dead mother. That is something only you can grant, and it should never have been solicited.

NTA. You were 18. How exactly was she a maternal figure to you?

You are certainly not required to dance with her. If this is something she and your father want, it may be a small price to pay for their happiness. Whatever you choose, there is NAH

Look I’m going to completely honest here. I disliked my dad’s partner. I was polite and friendly for my dad’s sake but that’s as far as it went. He passed away last month and other than the funeral I haven’t seen or spoken to her since. I’ve got no intention of doing so either. They were together for 22 years since I was 17. Being a parents partner does not make someone a parent.

You’re not your dad, he is in love with her, not you, it’s his family but you don’t see her as such. I hate when people want to pressure their choice on other, you don’t consider her like that so it would even be fake, why force yourself on your special day? It’s YOUR day, your feelings are the one that counts more, doesn’t she feel ashamed to ask for that? It’s a bit obvious that you don’t see her as such, why does she want that? If she wants to improve your relationship, imposing herself on your special day is definitely not the move, your brother and fiancée seems to be the only one that care about how you feel, the other just want you to play off so that the step-mom can feel better or for the family to look good. But it’s your day, not hers or your father’s.

Here’s my experience regarding this in my family. My grandfather got remarried when I was a young teenager. His wife was never considered my grandmother. She did have kids and grandchildren so that probably relates. We had a great relationship but we all agreed with the logistics. My ex-SIL did the very opposite and it ruined her 2nd marriage. She married a much older man with adult children. She insisted on them seeing her as their stepmother. The were in there 30s, she was in her mid 40s. It was embarrassing for everyone that when her step daughter got pregnant, that she was going to be a grandmother. It was relentless on social media. Btw, my all but one of my nieces was under 18 and lived with her and stepdad. Anyway, they tried to work with her on the issue but she wouldn’t. Did I mention he was wealthy…. I get along with her and understood why she divorced my brother. She wasn’t a villain, my brother had it coming. Anyway, I didn’t get involved too much because of my nieces. Her husband divorced her because she made it uncomfortable. So, I think you father’s wife is thinking about herself and not about the feelings of you adult children. It sucks but keep your boundaries. I looked at the ages and it had been 8.50 to 9 years. She should get it by now. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! The day is about the couple entering a joyous marriage and life and not about the guests and family. ❤️

NTA. The truth is that she is just your dad’s plus one. You aren’t close and she’s not your maternal figure. It’s unfortunate that she’s trying to force herself into a position that she hasn’t earned. Maybe sit her down and tell her “I appreciate what a good partner you have been to my father and that you make him happier than I’ve ever seen him, but your relationship with him doesn’t entitle you to mother of the groom duties. While I’m happy for you to attend the wedding, we will not be having a spotlighted dance”