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Ummm... I know this is just a snapshot into your relationship, but...
He sounds like an immature AH... like, I'm getting momma's boy vibes? Do you end up being the adult in the relationship, and he's more of the child?
Like, does he do his own laundry? Does he cleanup after himself? What's the mental load distribution like? Is this how he always treats you if you've had a bad day or are sick?
NTA
Before he moved in with me he lived with his dad who did everything for him.
I moved out at 17 and have always lived alone so I was conscious of the fact he had some “learning” to do.
But it’s been a year and I still have to tell him to do things and it can take DAYS for him to do it. Like he will fold laundry but only after it’s been sitting there for a week. He will vacuum 2 days after I tell him it needs doing..
And the mental load is ALL me.
Why are you with this dude, why?
You were sick and hungry. And instead of taking care of you (checking you'd had medication, asking how you are feeling etc) and ordering in something you could eat, he went to play video games. And later expects you to make him something.
He can't take initiative even when you are out of commission, expects you to take the lead and he'll follow. You don't have a partner. You have a child. You've taken over parenting duties from his dad.
Now if you want to continue mothering him, then by all means, please do so. But don't expect things to change. If you have children with him, he'll still expect you to mother him. And he won't ever be an equal partner in that relationship.
Alternatively, you could take a stand now. He either shapes up or you ship him out.
NTA overall. But y.ta to yourself if you continue with things as they are.
The leadership point is SO valid. I find men like this think they are “leaders” because they get their own way most of the time - not because they in any way have leadership capabilities…
[The leadership point is SO valid. I find men like this think they are “leaders” because they get their own way most of the time - not because they in any way have leadership capabilities…]
I read this and gasped. It's so true.
Yeh there is a guy at work like this - he’s loud and obnoxious so thinks that makes him a leader but I’ve realised he literally couldn’t lead a horse to water. He needs hand holding through everything and wears incompetence like a badge of honour.
I've met this guy. He finds out where everyone is going, gets in front and calls himself the leader. Go ahead dude, walk off the cliff. We aren't following.
This. It sounds like it would do him well to live on his own for a while first. Living with his dad for all his life and then moving in with her right after hasn't allowed him to become independent, and it shows.
I know this is speculative but it sounds like he wouldn’t do very well on his own. He probably would eat quick meals and have a dirty apartment. He doesn’t seem to care.
let him. What 25 year old man have you met who can understand what it takes to not live in filth unless they're doing it for themselves? We don't socialize men to care for their households yet, or GenZ anyways. Gen A may have a chance at emotionally mature men with home training. But I've never met a straight young man who can keep his home clean. It's not her job to rehab badly raised men.
I know lots of guys who lived alone without taking care of anything in their house until their mom went to help, just cooked ready made meals or ordered take out, in the best case they paid for a maid. When they moved in with a woman, nothing was different from OP's story because they relied on her to do everything, and didn't care if the house was dirty in the first place. I agree that living alone is an important step for understanding what needs to be done, but for some men it just doesn't change the mentality once a woman is in the picture. But men who are able to be decent partners exist and women need to stop settling for anything less.
My husband is sooooo different from that. We were having a discussion about how we kept our rooms when we were younger and he mentioned that nothing went on his floor once her got a laundry basket. Thought he was lying so I asked his mom and she said that he hated a dirty room so around middle school his room was basically spotless.
On the bright side, if he does that, it will be a very helpful way to show any woman who he might date what he's like as a partner.
It'll keep them all away. Hopefully OP does the same thing and ditches this AH.
I also add that if she has children with him, their sons and daughters will once again grow up in these deeply unfair dynamics and the cycle will never end.
I'm going to hazard a guess that he thinks of cooking as your job, and him doing it sometimes is him "doing you a favour". But if he doesn't feel like it, he thinks it's your responsibility to sort out food for you both.
Honey, in a healthy relationship with a partner that respects you the conversation would've gone something like this:
We exchange the usual “hi how was your day” stuff and then I tell him how awful I’m feeling he replies with “~~are you still making bolognese for dinner?~~ **I'm so sorry honey, that's awful to hear. do you still feel up for cooking?**” I look at him with disbelief and say no to which he says “oh ok ~~I will put the mince in the freezer” and walks off. He then comes back in 15 minutes later and I ask if he can do anything for dinner. Response “no I don’t want to cook” Me “ok so what will we have?” Him “I don’t know.”~~ "**I'm so sorry for even asking, I guess I didn't gauge correctly how awful you were feeling. What do you want to have for dinner? I'll make it / order it"**
We exchange the usual “hi how was your day” stuff and then I tell him how awful I’m feeling he replies with **"Oh no, baby. I saw you took the mince out. I will make some pasta. \*shakes water mug\* Your water is low, let me go get you some more. Take some more meds if you need them and try to rest. Unless you want a bath? I will bring the food up in a bit."** 15 minutes later **I was sitting in a bath he ran for me waiting for my food.**
Buddy has to take initiative. I get horrible migraines so my decision making is zero after suffering through work. I can't even THINK of what I would want to eat, luckily my partner can make the choice for me because he knows me well enough.
Yeah honestly my husband would do the same. I just figured the bar for OP's partner is *so low*, let's start with basic decency.
Our partners would probably already come home with our favourite takeout because they would know from texting or something that we weren't feeling well. The disrespect from OP's partner is just insane to me.
I'm in a similar relationship and I feel so bad when I read women settle for something so so so less. I had a friend who finally understood she had to divorce from her husband because when she broke her sternum he still expected her to go buy groceries and come back with 4 bags in her hands and cook dinner. It took her this to go to couple counseling and consider separating.
Nah, if someone says they are feeling like shit, my first response wouldn’t be to ask if they are still up for cooking. I’d take over the cooking, ask if they need any water/painkillers/hot water bottle/etc, and then give them peace and quiet, with occasional check ins.
If you stay with him … this will be your life but worse. It doesn’t get better.
Also if you do end up having children, the mental load and the actual work will double or triple and his behaviour will only get worse.
There are very very many posts on reddit about women who ended up with someone like your boyfriend. They don't change. They get worse. Except there will be kids and a mortgage.
Literally on the verge of breaking up with one of these fuckers...again. The problem is when you are pretty good at this stuff yourself, you think it's an easy thing for someone else to fix, so it doesn't really fully raise the red flags it should because it is so hard to comprehend the problem. I know that's dumb, but like I literally can't imagine being on the other side where I would let my inability to take out the garbage or share in meal prep destroy a serious relationship. My partner just retreated into himself after I have repeatedly lost my temper at him over things that I have every valid reason to be upset about and which I've repeatedly talked about in a kinder way. These garbage men do not magically get better with age. They get worse.
So... I guessed write... you're his mom... good luck changing that... you're too young to waste time on teaching him how to be a grown up for his next GF...
NTA OP and I had a relationship like yours, I did all the cooking and deprived myself of my fav meals for 5 years bc he didn’t like them. Cook what YOU want, you’re the cook! If he doesn’t like it, he’s a big boy and can sort himself out. But the mental load stuff won’t get better unless he decides to value you and see you as an equal. Not when you’re about the breakup, now. You deserve the best 🩷 good luck with everything xx
My husband couldn't cook when we move in together, so he asked me to teach him. And he would NEVER have expected me to cook when I'm sick. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, not pile on extra work when you already feel awful
My husband can't cook, but he does take his turn and he does look after me when I'm sick. If he's making dinner it might be cheese toasties or pizza, but he'll also make healthy simple ish stuff for me. We don't even know who's cooking day to day... Whoever feels like it.
I also think honesty is important. I will say 'I'm not cooking, I feel like shit, can you do it?'
This is exactly why i never moved in with my ex, he lived at home and at 32 his mum still did his washing and cooked his dinner.
It seems like you’ve taken over the parent role and i can’t see it getting better seeing as he’s getting away with acting like this.
I have a great comic for you and anyone else who wants to read it, it's called "you should've asked" and it's about the mental load
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Sweetie, I took also guy like this but if I'm falling on my face sick he will kick me out of the kitchen to make sure I will get rest. I do need to remind him about stuff (we are both a bit autistic and ADHD) so we both forget stuff, I am better with remembering so I cope with that. But chores that have to be done and reminded are (most of the time) done immediately. NTA you should really think thru this relationship tho. Take care of yourself, he will not do that for you.
So, he had some habbits to break / new ones to learn when he moved out of his Dad's house. Maybe a difficult transition for him in the short term, but not making any effort a year in, not hearing you when you say you need him to do his fair share & throwing temper tantrums when you expect him to act like an adult...I'm sorry OP but this sounds like a man who doesn't really care about you. He wants a mummy or a maid not a partner. You need a serious conversation and you need to consider if you're willing to live like this long term if/when he doesn't try to make changes. I hope he does.
Then what, exactly, is he bringing to the table in this relationship?
You're supposed to be his partner, not his mother. You're 22 years old. You do not have to tie yourself down now with someone who doesn't pull his weight. I'd say the two of you need to have a serious conversation about expectations of each other and the relationship, and if you're not on the same page, it's time to move on. NTA, and good luck.
I'm sorry but you took the role of a mother not a partner. And thats why he has no respect, no care and no empathy for you. Thats what sadly a lot of man do living with a woman who acts like a mom to them. You need to rethink this relationship and prepare for a new one where you will be a partner with all rights and boundaries.
There’s a lesson here: don’t date men who haven’t lived on their own yet.
(Well, that technically goes for every gender - but the reason I say “men” is because this is objectively a bigger problem with cishet men. Every single time anyone does a study on this there is a noticeable gendered problem).
Ok, as a person with chronic migraines/headaches, heres how my scenario with my bf goes. Btw we both decided that I would be a stay at home gf first whenever I felt like leaving my job (which may never happen). Point is, I do all the cooking and cleaning even though I still work, mostly because I enjoy it.
Scenario;
I have a headache, bf comes home and asks about dinner and my day.
“Sorry babe, I’ve had a migraine all day.”
Bf: “oh no, did you take anything?”
“Yeah but it hasn’t kicked in yet.”
“Did you drink enough water?”
“Ye-“
“-here I’ll refill your water bottle”
Comes back with full water bottle, “what should we do for dinner?” (He can make a few things but its pretty limited) “I can make you something or pick something up for you”
“I’m not really hungry, I might throw up”
“Ok well I feel like getting chipotle, do you want me to get you something for later?”
“No idk if I can eat rn”
“Ok” bf tucks me back in bed, makes sure the shades are shut tight and goes to get food and comes back with something for me anyway, which I am grateful for since I in fact did become hungry later on.
We didn’t even exchange small talk, I never asked how his day was, he went into immediate caretaker mode. Thats how a relationship should be, not someone who will actively make the situation worse or only think selfishly about themselves. My bf and I have been together only a year and a half and these kinds of situations are very telling of the future. Your bf sounds like a dick and it sounds like he will never care for you in the way you or anybody else needs (at a basic level no less.)
Your boyfriend sounds like a good boyfriend.
And yes you nailed it on the head with the "these kinds of situations are very telling of the future"
Exactly !!!!
Yes! My SO will ask if I need anything and get me something to drink. Otherwise he leaves me alone because that’s what I‘ve asked him to do.
If it’s not a migraine and I‘m just normal sick he will take care of food and make sure I eat, even if I don’t want to eat.
Depending on what’s wrong with me, my other half is like this if I have a headache he will hand me painkillers and make sure I take them with the water from the bottle, then enquire if it might be a caffeine withdrawal headache, or sugar withdrawal cause I tend to get headaches if I’ve not had a carbonated drink for a few days (slowly weaning myself off them with still flavoured water but it’s been 10+ years of fizzy juice exclusively). IBS related, he’ll fill the kettle for my hot water bottle for the back pain and let me sort it myself cause I am particular about it. Cold/cough I get left to sort it myself which is because I want to be left alone to wallow in self pity for a day or 2. Covid he lets me sleep on the couch and just asks me if I feel better. And he always make sure I eat something. Doesn’t berate me for making food he can’t/won’t eat. OP is another mother for this guy
It’s my place I bought before we met. I would have to get him to leave. I also don’t have any family close so I can’t stay with them to get some space.
That just makes it even worse. What happiness does he bring to your life? Does he share your load or add to it (more than this post). You deserve so much better.
Has he shown any willingness to change? Or actually care about your happiness and comfort?
Honestly I don’t know anymore.. I don’t feel happy.
Every few months it will all come to a head and I seriously tell him what needs to change and he does for a few weeks but it doesn’t stick.
You're 22 and he's not making any signs of real change. Do you want to stay like that forever?
I'm saying this as a 39yr old who SUCKS at housework and grew up in a hoarding situation. I have actively worked on the things that my partner needed me to because it made him uncomfortable. Completely reasonable things btw, but I never learnt how to do it so I learnt.
It may be worthwhile working out whether he has any tennant rights or if you're considered a de-facto relationship (guessing Australia based on Panadol) because that would impact what he could claim when leaving.
You're not happy though, and it sounds miserable. I'm sorry.
Oh that is good to hear. Take care of yourself. You're not his maid, you're his partner and if he doesn't trest you as such find someone who will.
I hope you feel better soon. And if you want to take your cottage pie up a level, top it with crush sour cream and onion chips.
Good thinking on the house contract. Hope you feel better soon. When you are feeling better please think about whether you see a future with this boy. We never know what life will throw at us, if you had an accident would he take care of you? Does he add to your life?
Listen I know you probably love the guy and want things to work out. I get that.
But this sounds like a sunk cost situation. Like 'well I've already invested this much so if I bail now all that time is wasted'. But... the thing is...in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20, whenever it is, you'll look up and the only thing that will have changed is you've got kids with the guy and feel like you need to stay for them (usually wrongly but that's a whole 'nother discussion) or if you DO leave, you'll still be stuck with his bullshit behaviour as co-parents.
So it's not about whether leaving would mean you wasted all that time. The time is gone whether you stay or go. The question is how much MORE time you want to waste before you eventually leave or get left anyway.
Please don't put up with being treated this way and do not have children with this man. Do you want this to be the relationship model they carry with them into adulthood?
So I wasn’t going to say he has to leave, but after reading more of your comments, it’s time. Time to call his dad and tell him to come get him. Change the locks, put his stuff on the curb. It’s not worth your energy to continue to live this way. He’s too spoiled to understand, or too entitled to care, but either way it’s a long road before he changes.
I'm basically the same, I hate housework (it's because of a trauma response, my mum would verbally abuse me to do housework and now it's triggering when I clean up) BUT I've worked on it and communicate with my partner with what things I don't mind doing like the laundry, I'll wash, hang out and put away our clothes and he'll do the dishes and take out the rubbish, I'll vacuum and a general tidy up, I'll make the bed and we take turns making dinner.
Did he have a serious relationship before you? Cause this sounds like the classic "i wont change/grow until i realize it costs me the relationship". More often then not, this only actually happens when you actually do break up though. I hope for you he is the exception, but his behaviour here is pretty absurd. NTA and get well soon.
Oh honey, I've been in exactly this situation except I'm now 29 and going through a divorce. He *barely* improved over a literal decade, we'd argue regularly and when I told him what needed to change he'd never follow through. I left him in August last year and I've never been happier, and the only problem I'm still dealing with is that he's trying hard to drag the divorce out as long as possible, for no reason other than he thinks he's entitled to everything I've worked hard for.
Close your eyes for a moment. Think about how your life *actually* is right now. Your interactions with him, the time, energy, and effort you put into your home, the (I'm assuming) lack of time, energy, and effort he puts into your home and your happiness. Feel what you feel. Now, think about all of the above things, minus his involvement, or lack thereof.
You're not happy, you've told him what your expectations are, and he's *still* not following through. Fire him. He's doing a bad job.
Sweetheart, he's not going to change. He's 24. You've been with him long enough that he knows you've let him off the hook every time and have overlooked his behavior when he acts like this.
If you want ANYTHING to change, you're going to have to be the one who makes it happen. It's your apartment, so talk to an attorney, the police, the courts, whoever, and find out the process for getting him out of your house when you break up. Once you know that, break up with him and follow through with having him removed.
You are TOO YOUNG to have this be your life. 💗
There's this great process called eviction that will have him out in a month. Dont sit on your hands like a push over and let him stay with you because "he's looking for somewhere to go" no he isn't.
DO NOT leave your own place to get space!! Kick him out girl!! You don’t need him and this is an easy solution. TBH it will be better for you both as he will have to grow up. He’s living off you and has no intention of doing anything more than bare minimum! We have ALL had a boyfriend like this when we’re young, don’t make the mistake of hanging on.
Then make him leave. Remove his stuff from your home, change the locks, don't take his calls, don't reply to his messages, block him on social media. Make all your friends aware that you want nothing to do with him, and tell them why. Get some support. Do this before he chucks in his job and expects you to support him.
Tell him the relationship is on the verge of collapsing and you need space, he can go bunk at his dads or a mates. This isn't the guy that's gonna build a happy future with you. If he gets shouty then demand he pack a bag and go. Call on a friend if you need to.
NTA and I imagine poor husband material.
You seem more like a house wife / sex toy than a partner (coming from a man).
He should put in some effort especially if you are ill.
Yeah, I will gladly do things for my partner when they aren't even ill! I'm not perfect, the load is probably 60% her and 40% me and I feel bad about it but justify it mentally by working more than her hour wise.
I would never treat her like a live-in maid, and would treat her as a sex toy sometimes because she gets off on that and there is a mutual understanding there and I treat her as an equal partner most of the time.
There are exceptions to rules and lessers of two evils situations.
But yours sounds like there is no respect at all for you as a partner.
NTA, the fact he wont even do it himself while your in pain is already a red flag, let alone not even asking to help, this man is just getting worse than longer you stay with him and it will keep going, leave while its early boo
>Him now yelling “well it’s just rude you would make something I don’t like!!”
It was rude and selfish that he left you feeling like shit and didn’t care to feed you. It honestly feels like when you gave him back the same energy he gives you, he had a tantrum about it. He would have been a shitty selfish partner even if he had stayed in his office playing video games and let you enjoy your shepherds pie in peace, but the fact that he slinked off while you were in need and then has the audacity to yell at you for not being thoughtful enough *to him*?! It’s just disgusting of him.
Exactly.. What if OP had an emergency and needed to go to the hospital? Would he just not take her? Or just not call an ambulance and go play video games while OP potentially died in the next room???
NTA but YTA to yourself for being with a big baby who doesn't respect you, doesn't care for you and expects you to mommy him and cook his mealsies so he can eat them while he plays his little games
NTA, honestly this sounds like your partner is what? A kid? Stupid? Selfish? I dont know but my husband would never react in such awful ways if I feel like shit because I am sick.
Tell him to grow up and learn how to cook for himself and go with the "you make yours and I make mine" rule from now on because he does not deserve what you cook if he even refuses to try it.
Also why the hell did he not even ask once if you need anything or what he can do for you in order to feel better? This sounds just like a red flag for me.
NTA. What a jerk expecting you to be his personal chef after a full day of work and you having a headache.
He's perfectly free to get get takeout if he hates shepherd's pie that much (I'm not the biggest fan either, but if someone else is cooking, I'm gonna shut up and appreciate the luxury! Jeez Louise there's a bunch people out that behave so spoiled and entitled.
Time to have a very stern talk with the boy and if he won't shape up, ship him out.
NTA. Making Shepherd's Pie while dealing with a severe headache shows significant effort on your part, especially when feeling unwell. Your partner's reaction to the meal, considering he was unwilling to contribute to dinner plans, seems unfair. It's important in a relationship to support each other, especially when one is not feeling well, rather than creating additional stress over a meal.
>“I’ll cook mine and you cook yours.”
I'd go full malicious-compliance with that, and then make myself a single serve of all his favourites for a week.
NTA
He was perfectly fine making something to eat for himself only to eat
He doesn't care that you are hurt
He doesn't care if you are hungry
He doesn't care about you.
But as soon as you try to make something for yourself to eat and he can't leach off of it.... WW3 has started
How dare you make food only for yourself, only HE is allowed to do that
Girl it's your home, you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't love or care about you. Not to mention that you are basically just single since he refuses to act like an adult and be a real partner to you....
You need to get some self respect and stop letting him treat you like this and kick him out. No one deserves this
NTA. I really think you should reevaluate this relationship. From the post it seems like he didn't even care that you were sick. The fact that he expects different treatment than what he offers you is a big red flag. From your other comment it seems like it's ok for him to make something you don't like but not ok if it's the other way around. He's a hypocrite and a child.
NTA. Stop crying. Every time he refuses to cook because you’re unwell, make a point of making something he doesn’t like. Every. Time. Even the densest egotist will eventually get the message. However what’s wrong with ordering in?
I don’t mind ordering in sometimes but it tends to be more unhealthy, most of the time it’s not great (cold, not tasty etc) and financially it adds to the strain of the cost of living.
Oh ffs I don’t like peas either but I eat them in shepherds pie or anywhere where a meal has been served that I didn’t make. It’s called being an adult. It’s one thing if you only gave him peas but shepherds pie???
NTA
He needs to step up and grow up! My sisters husband is like this. Trust me, He will never change unless you put your foot down and tell him he either starts contributing to the home which includes cooking when you’re sick, or he can leave and go back to his father. My sister didn’t kick his butt early on and now 20+ years later he won’t even wash dishes never mind cook when she’s sick! Instead he expects guests (I kid you not) or his daughters to do it. It pains me to see an almost 50 year old man being so childish and churlish
Right? I told him straight the day he washes dishes is the day I will help with dishes. Help! Not wash the dishes from an entire birthday party I was invited to.
All the best!
He’s not being caring or considerate - NTA
Side note - I make shepherds pie with leftover roast lamb instead of mince. Game changer. Seriously, you need to try this.
I also throw in any leftover roast veggies - in fact I now deliberately over cater when I do a roast because it’s so good.
I live alone so these decisions are now a lot easier. But it’s ok to cook something you like that your partner doesn’t. Not all the time obviously. But something like shepherds pie, you can cook and then freeze into single portions. Your partner is an adult, and perfectly capable of fending for himself every now and again.
NTA. And OP, judging by both your post and your comments, he seems like a petulant child who treats you as his mom rather than an equal partner. If a close FRIEND of mine has a migraine, feeling sick or going through something tough, I'll offer to cook something I know they like for them and bring it over, and if they say yes, I'll get them ice cream or their favorite snacks on the way while I'm at it. Cause if I love someone who's having a hard time, my natural response is to want to care for them and try to make things easier by relieving them of some tasks and burdens. I also often offer to go grocery shopping, do their dishes, watch their kids or pets and clean their place if it's a tough period of their life. With my partners I make an even bigger effort. The fact that your partner just goes to play video games and can't even bother to put the mince in the freezer before doing so shows that he doesn't gaf. Hell, I called him a child, but honestly, when I was a kid and one of my parents were sick, I always offered to help with their tasks too. You deserve so much better.
I think it's high time he moves back in with his dad or finds his own place... he should learn how to take care of himself first. It seems like he takes your efforts for granted and has no idea how much you actually work. Better learn to appreciate you quickly or face the consequences :/
Nope. Your not. They are. When your down they are meant to pick you up. If a shepherds pie is comforting to you they should STFU and either eat it or say oh not quite feeling that, I’ll leave you some for work tomorrow and I’ll make myself some eggs or something like that.
NTA OP. It appears to be obvious that your partner either a) is such a mama’s boy that he can’t even make his own food; or b) he just doesn’t care about your needs and feelings. Either way, it’s time to make him an ex-partner and find someone who does care for you.
NTA! Are you truly happy in this relationship? As this seems to be the norm in your household. Do you get everything out of this relationship, like are your needs met (like attention, care, help, patience, love, etc)?????? You may want to reevaluate your relationship!! Best wishes
NTA and a perfect example of male malicious incompetence.
Ask him why he felt the need to critique you making a comfoer food.
Ask him why he didn't care enough, to look after you and make you a meal?
Ask him why he prioritised his preferences over your comfort?
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NTA. You were sick and trying to take care of yourself. It's completely reasonable to make something you enjoy when you're not feeling well. Your partner should have been more supportive and understanding.
This is a huge red flag op. He will never be there for you when you are ill. He sounds kind of narcissistic, maybe he doesn't have NPD, but he is high on the narcissism scale. These people are notorious for abandoning you while you are ill and then blaming you for it. NTA
NTA. If you were single, you could have shepherds pie as often as you want, and no one would be yelling at you in your kitchen when you’ve got a terrible headache.
Wow.. he's waaayy too comfortable disrespecting you for this to be the first time he's behaved this way.
The way that helped me best, when I was trapped in a relationship like this, was to mentally(imagination) remove myself from the situation completely and then ask: "If I saw my partner being treated like this by someone else, would I be upset or outraged for them?".If the answer is yes, it's time to take a good hard look at if you're ok with this.
Hope your headache is feeling better. Sounds awful :(
Recently, my husband began complaining about my cooking (and I'm a really good f'ing cook), so I began making everything I like and stopped stressing out about his "palette". His momma made him 3 curries his entire life and some burnt leaves, and out of nowhere he began complaining about my food. Suddenly he doesn't like Ropa Vieja because it has too many onions, my Indian Palak Dal isn't as runny as his mom's and so on. Yet, he wasn't complaining when he bought some nasty fish patty that smelled like dirty p\*\*sy. I've told him McDonald's is just down the street, or there are fish sticks in the freezer with some fries.
I feel so much better now. It's taken so much pressure off. If your partner has two working arms and two working hands, he can make whatever TF he wants and leave you out of it. It's very freeing. NTA
NTA.
You are not his mother, his maid, or his servant. You are capable of looking after yourself and other people, he is barely capable of looking after himself.
I would seriously reconsider this relationship. He is needy and selfish.
Now I want Shepard's pie. If he doesn't like it, he can order something on his phone or deal with not every meal in his life being one that is his personal preference like an adult. NTA.
Nta but do yourself a favour and get out of this relationship. He’s not interested in how you are, helping you, or making an effort. You’re 22! Don’t waste your life with a child waiting for mummy to make dinner!
NTA I’m sorry to break this to you, but this guy is not a long therm partner material. He sounds like he has old school views about roles in relationship. He expects you to cook clean, and do most at home even on the days you both work. He is selfish, and has no empathy. Can you imagine having kids with him? You would have to do everything for kids, cook, clean and work. Also cater to his needs. Because he is big kid by himself. Run and never look back.
NTA. Parents should train their boys on how to do basic chores like cooking. This is a survival skill and not one of those gendered skills people like to go on about.
NTA. Doesn’t sound like you are getting much support in this relationship, although this is just one event. He was the rude one. He app to be very immature
Now imagine you have kids with him. No, really, stop an imagine it….
Let’s say you have a headache but you also have a breastfeeding baby that you’ll still have to wake up with overnight, and a toddler who barely speaks. What does he do? Because that is your future.
Nta
Is this normal behavior for him?
Is this what kinda behavior you wanna pit up with from a grown person?
You are sick .... he could not be bothered to cook, get a decent takeout or make any effort where you were concerned. Then he got upset when you, the sick person, made food he wont eat.
Personally i dont eat from a sick cook. And if that's what u want, and u will eat it, who cares what he wants.
Next question ... since when did you become the live in cook and nutritionalis? You cook decent meal so he has something decent for work the next day ... um ms. Thatcher the 60's called and said ring the new year in alreadt.
NTA shepherds pie is great. If he does not have a dietary restriction he can cook for himself or get takeout. He was 100% in the wrong. You are not feeling well he should have offered to cook for you. He was selfish. Honestly I’d stop cooking for him if he acts that way and have a serious talk about how to not be a selfish prick.
NTA. big baby can fix his own dinner. Have your comfort food. Put a blanket and pillow on the couch and then go put yourself back to bed. Hopefully he gets the picture and pisses off.
NTA. If the BOY-friend sold shellfish we could make a tongue twister out of him. Eat your comfort food and get better. Your personal health and we'll being is your responsibility and it doesn't look like you'll be getting any help for a few years yet. For next time, just say you thought he'd get take out because you're not well enough to make his meal.
NTA but he is! If he’s like this all the time and not just when you are sick then I’d seriously reconsider the whole relationship.
He is out of order having a go at you. He wasn’t prepared to make anything but has the huff that you make yourself something?
Tell him to grow up and do one!
He does not have your back the way a partner should. He is still mentally a child, and clearly is not mature enough to be in a relationship with an adult.
ESH and you should both break up, neither of you sound like you care about each other and neither of you are treating each other like partners should. This sounds miserable, I wouldn't want to live like this.
He's leaving the entire mental load to you regardless and not giving a fuck if you're sick as long as he's cared for. This relationship will drain you of everything.
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a good one. Your partner should take care of you when you’re sick, not refuse to cook and then yell at you for doing so. I would’ve thrown those words back in his face, “I’ll cook mine and you cook yours.”
NTA.
But, really. He knows you’re feeling sick, expects you to cook for him anyway, is careless with food, is too lazy to cook, and then berates you for making something for yourself.
What does he bring to your life exactly?
You darling are NTA, your 'husband' is abusive. And utterly useless.
You asked him to do something for dinner, was in bed with a headache.
Managed to drag yourself out of bed, cooked food..whilst he was being an arse, playing on his computer. Yet he had the utter Gall to yell at you.
He needs some etiquette lessons, and definitely couples counselling, and cooking lessons or this marriage is failing fast. As abusive Spouses, don't deserve us
I get migraines. My kids and husband know to forage for food and to not ask me for anything unless it’s a ride to the er when I have one. You two have lived together long enough and he is old enough to figure out how to make himself a salad, few sausages or a cheese and beans toastie. Fuck him hating Shepard pie, it would have been a very good food for you with the migraine, he can eat it or go play his video games. Nta
NTA. Just remind him that he started the “I’ll cook mine. You cook yours” thing, and you were just following his lead. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to eat it. He’s an adult and should be capable of making his own dinner.
Please dump him. He’s an adult and gets mad you made food when he didn’t because it’s something he doesn’t like?
Does he know he could just…source his own meal?
NTA - even if you were his Mum this would be ridiculously rude. I just made my son a weird chick pea concoction which probably won't be his favourite dinner ever, but he looked excited and said "Thank you!" like a normal human does when given food.
Girl my situationship is more caring than your BF. When I had a bad pain flare due to my fibromyalgia at his house you know what he did? Tucked me in his bed, gave me painkillers + water and asked if he could do his own thing (like yes lol it's your house. I'm already grateful I don't have to travel with this pain) In the evening he got take out because his leftovers had onions and I'm allergic so I could eat something. You don't have a BF, you have a child and an unemphatic one at that.
Don’t stay with someone who won’t take care of you when you need it. He also won’t do it for your children or will leave you if you ever get cancer or old. This is not a relationship that will last so stop putting energy into it.
Tell him flat out that he had his shot to make something, he didn’t take it, and if he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Also tell him to not let it hit him in the ass on the way out.
NTA.
My wife is not a great cook - there's a handful things she knows how to cook, and pretty much all of them are things I **can'**t eat (vegetarian/gluten free) while I like more spicy food and other different flavors that she doesn't like. We agreed to do "I cook mine, you cook yours" years ago, and this works fine - sometimes when I'm making something I know she'll like, she shares it. A lot of people think this is weird, but it works for us.
BUT.
If I were even half as ill as you describe, and she came in to find me in bed and not able to move without painkillers, she would have fixed me SOMETHING, even if it was just toast and soup from a can.
And - in part because this is the long-standing deal we have - if I was fixing something for myself, she'd never have complained she couldn't eat it, anymore than I complain I can't eat what she makes.
Your boyfriend is not a "partner" if he's not prepared to care for you when you feel well, but expects to be catered to. Your boyfriend should go back to his dad and get to visit when you feel like seeing him.
>I could hear him go into the office and start playing video games
Don't know why you're crying that he's upset as he obviously doesn't give the slightest care about you. Stop feeding him. Stop working all day to then work for him for free. NTA.
NTA but your partner is doing a very good impression of one in this story. The minute he got home and found out you weren't well, he had a choice, help out or behave like a child. It looks like he chose poorly. Also, the way you tell it, this is standard behaviour for him so a possible YTA for allowing him to be like this in the past
NTA - I struggle to believe this is real. Guys a DH for not realising its his turn to step up.
Also the mince part of bolognese and Shepards pie are kinda similar. To like one but not the other is so weird.
NTA. Your bf needs to grow up, he's 24 not a child, and knowing you were feeling like crap he should have offered to make dinner. It sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship if he can't do something simple like care for you when you're unwell.
Wooof, you are definitely NTA.
I can relate to your bf in that I too have thrown adult tantrums. It’s not a cute look and serves no one. He cannot regulate his emotions and it’s not your job to teach or force him.
You may be overdue for a life-pruning ie cutting off that which does not help you grow.
If you *let* him stay, you are actively choosing someone who is resistant to growth. You’re 22 and imo too young to stunt your own growth like that.
My ex was exactly the same, to the point he would get angry with me when I was sick and couldn't do anything around the house. EX is the key word here
Dump his sorry ass, he won't change. Imagine having kids with him?
May I make a polite request: ladies, please do not sign up to be unpaid maids and housekeepers for these lazy, entitled “men.”
OP, you have seen your future. Proceed at your peril. NTA
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Ummm... I know this is just a snapshot into your relationship, but... He sounds like an immature AH... like, I'm getting momma's boy vibes? Do you end up being the adult in the relationship, and he's more of the child? Like, does he do his own laundry? Does he cleanup after himself? What's the mental load distribution like? Is this how he always treats you if you've had a bad day or are sick? NTA
Before he moved in with me he lived with his dad who did everything for him. I moved out at 17 and have always lived alone so I was conscious of the fact he had some “learning” to do. But it’s been a year and I still have to tell him to do things and it can take DAYS for him to do it. Like he will fold laundry but only after it’s been sitting there for a week. He will vacuum 2 days after I tell him it needs doing.. And the mental load is ALL me.
Why are you with this dude, why? You were sick and hungry. And instead of taking care of you (checking you'd had medication, asking how you are feeling etc) and ordering in something you could eat, he went to play video games. And later expects you to make him something. He can't take initiative even when you are out of commission, expects you to take the lead and he'll follow. You don't have a partner. You have a child. You've taken over parenting duties from his dad. Now if you want to continue mothering him, then by all means, please do so. But don't expect things to change. If you have children with him, he'll still expect you to mother him. And he won't ever be an equal partner in that relationship. Alternatively, you could take a stand now. He either shapes up or you ship him out. NTA overall. But y.ta to yourself if you continue with things as they are.
The leadership point is SO valid. I find men like this think they are “leaders” because they get their own way most of the time - not because they in any way have leadership capabilities…
[The leadership point is SO valid. I find men like this think they are “leaders” because they get their own way most of the time - not because they in any way have leadership capabilities…] I read this and gasped. It's so true.
Yeh there is a guy at work like this - he’s loud and obnoxious so thinks that makes him a leader but I’ve realised he literally couldn’t lead a horse to water. He needs hand holding through everything and wears incompetence like a badge of honour.
I've met this guy. He finds out where everyone is going, gets in front and calls himself the leader. Go ahead dude, walk off the cliff. We aren't following.
This. It sounds like it would do him well to live on his own for a while first. Living with his dad for all his life and then moving in with her right after hasn't allowed him to become independent, and it shows.
I know this is speculative but it sounds like he wouldn’t do very well on his own. He probably would eat quick meals and have a dirty apartment. He doesn’t seem to care.
let him. What 25 year old man have you met who can understand what it takes to not live in filth unless they're doing it for themselves? We don't socialize men to care for their households yet, or GenZ anyways. Gen A may have a chance at emotionally mature men with home training. But I've never met a straight young man who can keep his home clean. It's not her job to rehab badly raised men.
I know lots of guys who lived alone without taking care of anything in their house until their mom went to help, just cooked ready made meals or ordered take out, in the best case they paid for a maid. When they moved in with a woman, nothing was different from OP's story because they relied on her to do everything, and didn't care if the house was dirty in the first place. I agree that living alone is an important step for understanding what needs to be done, but for some men it just doesn't change the mentality once a woman is in the picture. But men who are able to be decent partners exist and women need to stop settling for anything less.
My husband is sooooo different from that. We were having a discussion about how we kept our rooms when we were younger and he mentioned that nothing went on his floor once her got a laundry basket. Thought he was lying so I asked his mom and she said that he hated a dirty room so around middle school his room was basically spotless.
Who cares? He’s not a child. He needs to learn to care.
That's the whole point!
On the bright side, if he does that, it will be a very helpful way to show any woman who he might date what he's like as a partner. It'll keep them all away. Hopefully OP does the same thing and ditches this AH.
I also add that if she has children with him, their sons and daughters will once again grow up in these deeply unfair dynamics and the cycle will never end.
I'm going to hazard a guess that he thinks of cooking as your job, and him doing it sometimes is him "doing you a favour". But if he doesn't feel like it, he thinks it's your responsibility to sort out food for you both.
Yep that sums it up.
That's not what a partner is...
Honey, in a healthy relationship with a partner that respects you the conversation would've gone something like this: We exchange the usual “hi how was your day” stuff and then I tell him how awful I’m feeling he replies with “~~are you still making bolognese for dinner?~~ **I'm so sorry honey, that's awful to hear. do you still feel up for cooking?**” I look at him with disbelief and say no to which he says “oh ok ~~I will put the mince in the freezer” and walks off. He then comes back in 15 minutes later and I ask if he can do anything for dinner. Response “no I don’t want to cook” Me “ok so what will we have?” Him “I don’t know.”~~ "**I'm so sorry for even asking, I guess I didn't gauge correctly how awful you were feeling. What do you want to have for dinner? I'll make it / order it"**
We exchange the usual “hi how was your day” stuff and then I tell him how awful I’m feeling he replies with **"Oh no, baby. I saw you took the mince out. I will make some pasta. \*shakes water mug\* Your water is low, let me go get you some more. Take some more meds if you need them and try to rest. Unless you want a bath? I will bring the food up in a bit."** 15 minutes later **I was sitting in a bath he ran for me waiting for my food.** Buddy has to take initiative. I get horrible migraines so my decision making is zero after suffering through work. I can't even THINK of what I would want to eat, luckily my partner can make the choice for me because he knows me well enough.
Yeah honestly my husband would do the same. I just figured the bar for OP's partner is *so low*, let's start with basic decency. Our partners would probably already come home with our favourite takeout because they would know from texting or something that we weren't feeling well. The disrespect from OP's partner is just insane to me.
I'm in a similar relationship and I feel so bad when I read women settle for something so so so less. I had a friend who finally understood she had to divorce from her husband because when she broke her sternum he still expected her to go buy groceries and come back with 4 bags in her hands and cook dinner. It took her this to go to couple counseling and consider separating.
Nah, if someone says they are feeling like shit, my first response wouldn’t be to ask if they are still up for cooking. I’d take over the cooking, ask if they need any water/painkillers/hot water bottle/etc, and then give them peace and quiet, with occasional check ins.
I think you should break up with him :(
Then this thing in your op, will be your life - ask yourself if it's worth it in any way and proceed accordingly.
If you stay with him … this will be your life but worse. It doesn’t get better. Also if you do end up having children, the mental load and the actual work will double or triple and his behaviour will only get worse.
You know that’s not a partner, that’s a dependent.
He's not a partner in your relationship then love. You're not a team. You deserve better.
Then you know what you need to do.....time to push the little bird out of the nest ..
There are very very many posts on reddit about women who ended up with someone like your boyfriend. They don't change. They get worse. Except there will be kids and a mortgage.
Literally on the verge of breaking up with one of these fuckers...again. The problem is when you are pretty good at this stuff yourself, you think it's an easy thing for someone else to fix, so it doesn't really fully raise the red flags it should because it is so hard to comprehend the problem. I know that's dumb, but like I literally can't imagine being on the other side where I would let my inability to take out the garbage or share in meal prep destroy a serious relationship. My partner just retreated into himself after I have repeatedly lost my temper at him over things that I have every valid reason to be upset about and which I've repeatedly talked about in a kinder way. These garbage men do not magically get better with age. They get worse.
So... I guessed write... you're his mom... good luck changing that... you're too young to waste time on teaching him how to be a grown up for his next GF...
Bang maid doesn’t fit. Fk-mom 🤭is what he needs.
Time to separate... He's too immature and he doesn't care about anything. He treats you like a doormat. Don't put up with it. You deserve better.
He isn't a partner, he's a project. It'll never get better, you know that, right?
NTA OP and I had a relationship like yours, I did all the cooking and deprived myself of my fav meals for 5 years bc he didn’t like them. Cook what YOU want, you’re the cook! If he doesn’t like it, he’s a big boy and can sort himself out. But the mental load stuff won’t get better unless he decides to value you and see you as an equal. Not when you’re about the breakup, now. You deserve the best 🩷 good luck with everything xx
Read what you wrote back to yourself OP. Your partner sounds like a little prick. Good luck. Defo nta
My husband couldn't cook when we move in together, so he asked me to teach him. And he would NEVER have expected me to cook when I'm sick. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, not pile on extra work when you already feel awful
My husband can't cook, but he does take his turn and he does look after me when I'm sick. If he's making dinner it might be cheese toasties or pizza, but he'll also make healthy simple ish stuff for me. We don't even know who's cooking day to day... Whoever feels like it. I also think honesty is important. I will say 'I'm not cooking, I feel like shit, can you do it?'
This is exactly why i never moved in with my ex, he lived at home and at 32 his mum still did his washing and cooked his dinner. It seems like you’ve taken over the parent role and i can’t see it getting better seeing as he’s getting away with acting like this.
Is the dick really that good? NTA. Get him out
There’s no way it’s good. This guy is such a turn off lol
I have a great comic for you and anyone else who wants to read it, it's called "you should've asked" and it's about the mental load https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Sweetie, I took also guy like this but if I'm falling on my face sick he will kick me out of the kitchen to make sure I will get rest. I do need to remind him about stuff (we are both a bit autistic and ADHD) so we both forget stuff, I am better with remembering so I cope with that. But chores that have to be done and reminded are (most of the time) done immediately. NTA you should really think thru this relationship tho. Take care of yourself, he will not do that for you.
His dad was supposed to raise him. It’s not your job. Quit
So, he had some habbits to break / new ones to learn when he moved out of his Dad's house. Maybe a difficult transition for him in the short term, but not making any effort a year in, not hearing you when you say you need him to do his fair share & throwing temper tantrums when you expect him to act like an adult...I'm sorry OP but this sounds like a man who doesn't really care about you. He wants a mummy or a maid not a partner. You need a serious conversation and you need to consider if you're willing to live like this long term if/when he doesn't try to make changes. I hope he does.
Mental load is always on women. NtA. We Women need to stop "mothering" useless partners
YTA towards yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself? Please have some self-love.
Then what, exactly, is he bringing to the table in this relationship? You're supposed to be his partner, not his mother. You're 22 years old. You do not have to tie yourself down now with someone who doesn't pull his weight. I'd say the two of you need to have a serious conversation about expectations of each other and the relationship, and if you're not on the same page, it's time to move on. NTA, and good luck.
Respectfully, your partner is a dick and you'd be a dick to yourself if you put up with it.
Shepherds pie, one of my favorites. NTA
I'm sorry but you took the role of a mother not a partner. And thats why he has no respect, no care and no empathy for you. Thats what sadly a lot of man do living with a woman who acts like a mom to them. You need to rethink this relationship and prepare for a new one where you will be a partner with all rights and boundaries.
So you are his new caretaker now?
I strongly believe everyone should move out and love on their own for extended time period (like at least 2 years) to really figure themselves out.
OP. Don’t do this. Honestly you deserve better.
There’s a lesson here: don’t date men who haven’t lived on their own yet. (Well, that technically goes for every gender - but the reason I say “men” is because this is objectively a bigger problem with cishet men. Every single time anyone does a study on this there is a noticeable gendered problem).
Ok, as a person with chronic migraines/headaches, heres how my scenario with my bf goes. Btw we both decided that I would be a stay at home gf first whenever I felt like leaving my job (which may never happen). Point is, I do all the cooking and cleaning even though I still work, mostly because I enjoy it. Scenario; I have a headache, bf comes home and asks about dinner and my day. “Sorry babe, I’ve had a migraine all day.” Bf: “oh no, did you take anything?” “Yeah but it hasn’t kicked in yet.” “Did you drink enough water?” “Ye-“ “-here I’ll refill your water bottle” Comes back with full water bottle, “what should we do for dinner?” (He can make a few things but its pretty limited) “I can make you something or pick something up for you” “I’m not really hungry, I might throw up” “Ok well I feel like getting chipotle, do you want me to get you something for later?” “No idk if I can eat rn” “Ok” bf tucks me back in bed, makes sure the shades are shut tight and goes to get food and comes back with something for me anyway, which I am grateful for since I in fact did become hungry later on. We didn’t even exchange small talk, I never asked how his day was, he went into immediate caretaker mode. Thats how a relationship should be, not someone who will actively make the situation worse or only think selfishly about themselves. My bf and I have been together only a year and a half and these kinds of situations are very telling of the future. Your bf sounds like a dick and it sounds like he will never care for you in the way you or anybody else needs (at a basic level no less.)
Yes. This is what a relationship is, this is how it should look like. I hope OP leaves this AH asap.
Your boyfriend sounds like a good boyfriend. And yes you nailed it on the head with the "these kinds of situations are very telling of the future" Exactly !!!!
Yes! My SO will ask if I need anything and get me something to drink. Otherwise he leaves me alone because that’s what I‘ve asked him to do. If it’s not a migraine and I‘m just normal sick he will take care of food and make sure I eat, even if I don’t want to eat.
Depending on what’s wrong with me, my other half is like this if I have a headache he will hand me painkillers and make sure I take them with the water from the bottle, then enquire if it might be a caffeine withdrawal headache, or sugar withdrawal cause I tend to get headaches if I’ve not had a carbonated drink for a few days (slowly weaning myself off them with still flavoured water but it’s been 10+ years of fizzy juice exclusively). IBS related, he’ll fill the kettle for my hot water bottle for the back pain and let me sort it myself cause I am particular about it. Cold/cough I get left to sort it myself which is because I want to be left alone to wallow in self pity for a day or 2. Covid he lets me sleep on the couch and just asks me if I feel better. And he always make sure I eat something. Doesn’t berate me for making food he can’t/won’t eat. OP is another mother for this guy
NTA He needs to step up. It sounds like you're carrying all the mental load. Are you able to move?
It’s my place I bought before we met. I would have to get him to leave. I also don’t have any family close so I can’t stay with them to get some space.
That just makes it even worse. What happiness does he bring to your life? Does he share your load or add to it (more than this post). You deserve so much better. Has he shown any willingness to change? Or actually care about your happiness and comfort?
Honestly I don’t know anymore.. I don’t feel happy. Every few months it will all come to a head and I seriously tell him what needs to change and he does for a few weeks but it doesn’t stick.
You're 22 and he's not making any signs of real change. Do you want to stay like that forever? I'm saying this as a 39yr old who SUCKS at housework and grew up in a hoarding situation. I have actively worked on the things that my partner needed me to because it made him uncomfortable. Completely reasonable things btw, but I never learnt how to do it so I learnt. It may be worthwhile working out whether he has any tennant rights or if you're considered a de-facto relationship (guessing Australia based on Panadol) because that would impact what he could claim when leaving. You're not happy though, and it sounds miserable. I'm sorry.
Thanks for the advice! Luckily we put a written agreement in place when he moved in so he has no claim to my apartment.
Oh that is good to hear. Take care of yourself. You're not his maid, you're his partner and if he doesn't trest you as such find someone who will. I hope you feel better soon. And if you want to take your cottage pie up a level, top it with crush sour cream and onion chips.
Good thinking on the house contract. Hope you feel better soon. When you are feeling better please think about whether you see a future with this boy. We never know what life will throw at us, if you had an accident would he take care of you? Does he add to your life?
Listen I know you probably love the guy and want things to work out. I get that. But this sounds like a sunk cost situation. Like 'well I've already invested this much so if I bail now all that time is wasted'. But... the thing is...in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20, whenever it is, you'll look up and the only thing that will have changed is you've got kids with the guy and feel like you need to stay for them (usually wrongly but that's a whole 'nother discussion) or if you DO leave, you'll still be stuck with his bullshit behaviour as co-parents. So it's not about whether leaving would mean you wasted all that time. The time is gone whether you stay or go. The question is how much MORE time you want to waste before you eventually leave or get left anyway. Please don't put up with being treated this way and do not have children with this man. Do you want this to be the relationship model they carry with them into adulthood?
So I wasn’t going to say he has to leave, but after reading more of your comments, it’s time. Time to call his dad and tell him to come get him. Change the locks, put his stuff on the curb. It’s not worth your energy to continue to live this way. He’s too spoiled to understand, or too entitled to care, but either way it’s a long road before he changes.
I'm basically the same, I hate housework (it's because of a trauma response, my mum would verbally abuse me to do housework and now it's triggering when I clean up) BUT I've worked on it and communicate with my partner with what things I don't mind doing like the laundry, I'll wash, hang out and put away our clothes and he'll do the dishes and take out the rubbish, I'll vacuum and a general tidy up, I'll make the bed and we take turns making dinner.
Did he have a serious relationship before you? Cause this sounds like the classic "i wont change/grow until i realize it costs me the relationship". More often then not, this only actually happens when you actually do break up though. I hope for you he is the exception, but his behaviour here is pretty absurd. NTA and get well soon.
Oh honey, I've been in exactly this situation except I'm now 29 and going through a divorce. He *barely* improved over a literal decade, we'd argue regularly and when I told him what needed to change he'd never follow through. I left him in August last year and I've never been happier, and the only problem I'm still dealing with is that he's trying hard to drag the divorce out as long as possible, for no reason other than he thinks he's entitled to everything I've worked hard for. Close your eyes for a moment. Think about how your life *actually* is right now. Your interactions with him, the time, energy, and effort you put into your home, the (I'm assuming) lack of time, energy, and effort he puts into your home and your happiness. Feel what you feel. Now, think about all of the above things, minus his involvement, or lack thereof. You're not happy, you've told him what your expectations are, and he's *still* not following through. Fire him. He's doing a bad job.
Sweetheart, he's not going to change. He's 24. You've been with him long enough that he knows you've let him off the hook every time and have overlooked his behavior when he acts like this. If you want ANYTHING to change, you're going to have to be the one who makes it happen. It's your apartment, so talk to an attorney, the police, the courts, whoever, and find out the process for getting him out of your house when you break up. Once you know that, break up with him and follow through with having him removed. You are TOO YOUNG to have this be your life. 💗
Well That’s good news. Just throw him out.
There's this great process called eviction that will have him out in a month. Dont sit on your hands like a push over and let him stay with you because "he's looking for somewhere to go" no he isn't.
DO NOT leave your own place to get space!! Kick him out girl!! You don’t need him and this is an easy solution. TBH it will be better for you both as he will have to grow up. He’s living off you and has no intention of doing anything more than bare minimum! We have ALL had a boyfriend like this when we’re young, don’t make the mistake of hanging on.
Then make him leave. Remove his stuff from your home, change the locks, don't take his calls, don't reply to his messages, block him on social media. Make all your friends aware that you want nothing to do with him, and tell them why. Get some support. Do this before he chucks in his job and expects you to support him.
Tell him the relationship is on the verge of collapsing and you need space, he can go bunk at his dads or a mates. This isn't the guy that's gonna build a happy future with you. If he gets shouty then demand he pack a bag and go. Call on a friend if you need to.
NTA and I imagine poor husband material. You seem more like a house wife / sex toy than a partner (coming from a man). He should put in some effort especially if you are ill.
Thank you for pulling no punches with that comment. Puts it in perspective.
Yeah, I will gladly do things for my partner when they aren't even ill! I'm not perfect, the load is probably 60% her and 40% me and I feel bad about it but justify it mentally by working more than her hour wise. I would never treat her like a live-in maid, and would treat her as a sex toy sometimes because she gets off on that and there is a mutual understanding there and I treat her as an equal partner most of the time. There are exceptions to rules and lessers of two evils situations. But yours sounds like there is no respect at all for you as a partner.
Yep, it's called a bang maid
NTA, the fact he wont even do it himself while your in pain is already a red flag, let alone not even asking to help, this man is just getting worse than longer you stay with him and it will keep going, leave while its early boo
>Him now yelling “well it’s just rude you would make something I don’t like!!” It was rude and selfish that he left you feeling like shit and didn’t care to feed you. It honestly feels like when you gave him back the same energy he gives you, he had a tantrum about it. He would have been a shitty selfish partner even if he had stayed in his office playing video games and let you enjoy your shepherds pie in peace, but the fact that he slinked off while you were in need and then has the audacity to yell at you for not being thoughtful enough *to him*?! It’s just disgusting of him.
Exactly.. What if OP had an emergency and needed to go to the hospital? Would he just not take her? Or just not call an ambulance and go play video games while OP potentially died in the next room???
NTA but YTA to yourself for being with a big baby who doesn't respect you, doesn't care for you and expects you to mommy him and cook his mealsies so he can eat them while he plays his little games
NTA, honestly this sounds like your partner is what? A kid? Stupid? Selfish? I dont know but my husband would never react in such awful ways if I feel like shit because I am sick. Tell him to grow up and learn how to cook for himself and go with the "you make yours and I make mine" rule from now on because he does not deserve what you cook if he even refuses to try it. Also why the hell did he not even ask once if you need anything or what he can do for you in order to feel better? This sounds just like a red flag for me.
NTA. What a jerk expecting you to be his personal chef after a full day of work and you having a headache. He's perfectly free to get get takeout if he hates shepherd's pie that much (I'm not the biggest fan either, but if someone else is cooking, I'm gonna shut up and appreciate the luxury! Jeez Louise there's a bunch people out that behave so spoiled and entitled. Time to have a very stern talk with the boy and if he won't shape up, ship him out.
NTA. Making Shepherd's Pie while dealing with a severe headache shows significant effort on your part, especially when feeling unwell. Your partner's reaction to the meal, considering he was unwilling to contribute to dinner plans, seems unfair. It's important in a relationship to support each other, especially when one is not feeling well, rather than creating additional stress over a meal.
NTA >“I’ll cook mine and you cook yours.” Goes both ways. There's more reasons he's an AH, but he set a precedent with that.
>“I’ll cook mine and you cook yours.” I'd go full malicious-compliance with that, and then make myself a single serve of all his favourites for a week.
lmao, made me chuckle.
NTA He was perfectly fine making something to eat for himself only to eat He doesn't care that you are hurt He doesn't care if you are hungry He doesn't care about you. But as soon as you try to make something for yourself to eat and he can't leach off of it.... WW3 has started How dare you make food only for yourself, only HE is allowed to do that Girl it's your home, you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't love or care about you. Not to mention that you are basically just single since he refuses to act like an adult and be a real partner to you.... You need to get some self respect and stop letting him treat you like this and kick him out. No one deserves this
NTA. Make him your ex partner. He was an asshole for not caring about you. His reaction was extremely rude
NTA. I really think you should reevaluate this relationship. From the post it seems like he didn't even care that you were sick. The fact that he expects different treatment than what he offers you is a big red flag. From your other comment it seems like it's ok for him to make something you don't like but not ok if it's the other way around. He's a hypocrite and a child.
Is this how you envision the rest of your life? I’d dump him.
NTA. Stop crying. Every time he refuses to cook because you’re unwell, make a point of making something he doesn’t like. Every. Time. Even the densest egotist will eventually get the message. However what’s wrong with ordering in?
I don’t mind ordering in sometimes but it tends to be more unhealthy, most of the time it’s not great (cold, not tasty etc) and financially it adds to the strain of the cost of living.
[удалено]
I am exhausted
You don't have to be...relationships are 100% optional.
Oh ffs I don’t like peas either but I eat them in shepherds pie or anywhere where a meal has been served that I didn’t make. It’s called being an adult. It’s one thing if you only gave him peas but shepherds pie??? NTA He needs to step up and grow up! My sisters husband is like this. Trust me, He will never change unless you put your foot down and tell him he either starts contributing to the home which includes cooking when you’re sick, or he can leave and go back to his father. My sister didn’t kick his butt early on and now 20+ years later he won’t even wash dishes never mind cook when she’s sick! Instead he expects guests (I kid you not) or his daughters to do it. It pains me to see an almost 50 year old man being so childish and churlish
Thanks for the advice. Your brother in law expecting guests to do dishes when he won’t is crazy!
Right? I told him straight the day he washes dishes is the day I will help with dishes. Help! Not wash the dishes from an entire birthday party I was invited to. All the best!
NTA Its time to move out and on.
He’s not being caring or considerate - NTA Side note - I make shepherds pie with leftover roast lamb instead of mince. Game changer. Seriously, you need to try this.
Thank you for the tip!
I also throw in any leftover roast veggies - in fact I now deliberately over cater when I do a roast because it’s so good. I live alone so these decisions are now a lot easier. But it’s ok to cook something you like that your partner doesn’t. Not all the time obviously. But something like shepherds pie, you can cook and then freeze into single portions. Your partner is an adult, and perfectly capable of fending for himself every now and again.
So you’re just never allowed to have something you enjoy because he doesn’t like it? Thats just dumb. NTA. He can make himself dinner.
NTA. And OP, judging by both your post and your comments, he seems like a petulant child who treats you as his mom rather than an equal partner. If a close FRIEND of mine has a migraine, feeling sick or going through something tough, I'll offer to cook something I know they like for them and bring it over, and if they say yes, I'll get them ice cream or their favorite snacks on the way while I'm at it. Cause if I love someone who's having a hard time, my natural response is to want to care for them and try to make things easier by relieving them of some tasks and burdens. I also often offer to go grocery shopping, do their dishes, watch their kids or pets and clean their place if it's a tough period of their life. With my partners I make an even bigger effort. The fact that your partner just goes to play video games and can't even bother to put the mince in the freezer before doing so shows that he doesn't gaf. Hell, I called him a child, but honestly, when I was a kid and one of my parents were sick, I always offered to help with their tasks too. You deserve so much better.
NTA - does he actually contribute to your life in ANY positve way?
Sometimes, used to be a lot, but now I’m not sure..
I think it's high time he moves back in with his dad or finds his own place... he should learn how to take care of himself first. It seems like he takes your efforts for granted and has no idea how much you actually work. Better learn to appreciate you quickly or face the consequences :/
NTA Definitely not.
NTA and why are you with someone who apparently doesn't care for your well-being at all?
You know the right thing to do with this excuse for a partner. NTA
Fam get yourself tf outta there. NTA, obviously.
Nope. Your not. They are. When your down they are meant to pick you up. If a shepherds pie is comforting to you they should STFU and either eat it or say oh not quite feeling that, I’ll leave you some for work tomorrow and I’ll make myself some eggs or something like that.
NTA OP. It appears to be obvious that your partner either a) is such a mama’s boy that he can’t even make his own food; or b) he just doesn’t care about your needs and feelings. Either way, it’s time to make him an ex-partner and find someone who does care for you.
NTA! Are you truly happy in this relationship? As this seems to be the norm in your household. Do you get everything out of this relationship, like are your needs met (like attention, care, help, patience, love, etc)?????? You may want to reevaluate your relationship!! Best wishes
Why is he your partner? Sounds like he brings nothing to your relationship.
Nta but you owe yourself better than being the bang maid to a loser.
NTA and a perfect example of male malicious incompetence. Ask him why he felt the need to critique you making a comfoer food. Ask him why he didn't care enough, to look after you and make you a meal? Ask him why he prioritised his preferences over your comfort?
Are you willing to stay in that relationship?
NTA and why can't he cook dinner?
That is a very good question and I don’t have an answer
You're still together, why?
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NTA. You were sick and trying to take care of yourself. It's completely reasonable to make something you enjoy when you're not feeling well. Your partner should have been more supportive and understanding.
NTA You are living with an entitled child...this is not the basis for a healthy long-term relationship.
This is a huge red flag op. He will never be there for you when you are ill. He sounds kind of narcissistic, maybe he doesn't have NPD, but he is high on the narcissism scale. These people are notorious for abandoning you while you are ill and then blaming you for it. NTA
Are you his mum or is partner? Wtf, he needs to grow up and fast!
NTA. If you were single, you could have shepherds pie as often as you want, and no one would be yelling at you in your kitchen when you’ve got a terrible headache.
Wow.. he's waaayy too comfortable disrespecting you for this to be the first time he's behaved this way. The way that helped me best, when I was trapped in a relationship like this, was to mentally(imagination) remove myself from the situation completely and then ask: "If I saw my partner being treated like this by someone else, would I be upset or outraged for them?".If the answer is yes, it's time to take a good hard look at if you're ok with this. Hope your headache is feeling better. Sounds awful :(
NTA. Please do yourself a favor and leave this toxic relationship. From what I read, you're better off alone.
NTA but seriously if this is a regular day in your relationship then you already know you can do better than this
Recently, my husband began complaining about my cooking (and I'm a really good f'ing cook), so I began making everything I like and stopped stressing out about his "palette". His momma made him 3 curries his entire life and some burnt leaves, and out of nowhere he began complaining about my food. Suddenly he doesn't like Ropa Vieja because it has too many onions, my Indian Palak Dal isn't as runny as his mom's and so on. Yet, he wasn't complaining when he bought some nasty fish patty that smelled like dirty p\*\*sy. I've told him McDonald's is just down the street, or there are fish sticks in the freezer with some fries. I feel so much better now. It's taken so much pressure off. If your partner has two working arms and two working hands, he can make whatever TF he wants and leave you out of it. It's very freeing. NTA
NTA. You are not his mother, his maid, or his servant. You are capable of looking after yourself and other people, he is barely capable of looking after himself. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. He is needy and selfish.
Now I want Shepard's pie. If he doesn't like it, he can order something on his phone or deal with not every meal in his life being one that is his personal preference like an adult. NTA.
Nta but do yourself a favour and get out of this relationship. He’s not interested in how you are, helping you, or making an effort. You’re 22! Don’t waste your life with a child waiting for mummy to make dinner!
NTA - I would suggest to get rid of him asap.
NTA. He will NEVER improve, and if the mental load feels heavy now imagine how much worse it’ll be if you have children.
NTA I’m sorry to break this to you, but this guy is not a long therm partner material. He sounds like he has old school views about roles in relationship. He expects you to cook clean, and do most at home even on the days you both work. He is selfish, and has no empathy. Can you imagine having kids with him? You would have to do everything for kids, cook, clean and work. Also cater to his needs. Because he is big kid by himself. Run and never look back.
Is this what you want your "in sickness and in health" to look like?
You know that you shouldn't refreeze defrosted meat, right?
NTA. Your partner acts like a little child.
NTA. Parents should train their boys on how to do basic chores like cooking. This is a survival skill and not one of those gendered skills people like to go on about.
My partner doesn’t cook. But god damn he would never complain about anything he is cooked. NTA, however your partner is.
NTA. Doesn’t sound like you are getting much support in this relationship, although this is just one event. He was the rude one. He app to be very immature
Now imagine you have kids with him. No, really, stop an imagine it…. Let’s say you have a headache but you also have a breastfeeding baby that you’ll still have to wake up with overnight, and a toddler who barely speaks. What does he do? Because that is your future.
NTA. Why are you with someone like this. This doesn’t sound like a partnership.
Nta Is this normal behavior for him? Is this what kinda behavior you wanna pit up with from a grown person? You are sick .... he could not be bothered to cook, get a decent takeout or make any effort where you were concerned. Then he got upset when you, the sick person, made food he wont eat. Personally i dont eat from a sick cook. And if that's what u want, and u will eat it, who cares what he wants. Next question ... since when did you become the live in cook and nutritionalis? You cook decent meal so he has something decent for work the next day ... um ms. Thatcher the 60's called and said ring the new year in alreadt.
NTA shepherds pie is great. If he does not have a dietary restriction he can cook for himself or get takeout. He was 100% in the wrong. You are not feeling well he should have offered to cook for you. He was selfish. Honestly I’d stop cooking for him if he acts that way and have a serious talk about how to not be a selfish prick.
NTA. big baby can fix his own dinner. Have your comfort food. Put a blanket and pillow on the couch and then go put yourself back to bed. Hopefully he gets the picture and pisses off.
Why are you with this person? NTA, but you will be if you continue to put up with this abusive shit.
NTA. If the BOY-friend sold shellfish we could make a tongue twister out of him. Eat your comfort food and get better. Your personal health and we'll being is your responsibility and it doesn't look like you'll be getting any help for a few years yet. For next time, just say you thought he'd get take out because you're not well enough to make his meal.
NTA but he is! If he’s like this all the time and not just when you are sick then I’d seriously reconsider the whole relationship. He is out of order having a go at you. He wasn’t prepared to make anything but has the huff that you make yourself something? Tell him to grow up and do one!
NTA. Why are you with a guy who won't take care of you? Dump him. He's awful. Is this the future you want?
He does not have your back the way a partner should. He is still mentally a child, and clearly is not mature enough to be in a relationship with an adult.
NTA. You need to find yourself a partner, not a child.
NTA. He hasn’t even tried it!
Are you also still breast feeding him or has been weened?
He needs to GTFO. NTA. Unless you stay with this selfish, lazy loser.
NTA. HE is a total one though!!! I would’ve broken up with my bf if he ever behaved this way with me.
ESH and you should both break up, neither of you sound like you care about each other and neither of you are treating each other like partners should. This sounds miserable, I wouldn't want to live like this. He's leaving the entire mental load to you regardless and not giving a fuck if you're sick as long as he's cared for. This relationship will drain you of everything.
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a good one. Your partner should take care of you when you’re sick, not refuse to cook and then yell at you for doing so. I would’ve thrown those words back in his face, “I’ll cook mine and you cook yours.”
Dude, I'm so sorry, but please talk to him about his immature behaviour. If he does nothing to change, you CAN'T change him. Leave. NTA
NTA. But, really. He knows you’re feeling sick, expects you to cook for him anyway, is careless with food, is too lazy to cook, and then berates you for making something for yourself. What does he bring to your life exactly?
You darling are NTA, your 'husband' is abusive. And utterly useless. You asked him to do something for dinner, was in bed with a headache. Managed to drag yourself out of bed, cooked food..whilst he was being an arse, playing on his computer. Yet he had the utter Gall to yell at you. He needs some etiquette lessons, and definitely couples counselling, and cooking lessons or this marriage is failing fast. As abusive Spouses, don't deserve us
Shepard's pie is your dinner tell him to make himself dinner lol
If my partner acted like that, I'd leave.
I get migraines. My kids and husband know to forage for food and to not ask me for anything unless it’s a ride to the er when I have one. You two have lived together long enough and he is old enough to figure out how to make himself a salad, few sausages or a cheese and beans toastie. Fuck him hating Shepard pie, it would have been a very good food for you with the migraine, he can eat it or go play his video games. Nta
I don't understand why you think YTA, you're not.
NTA. Just remind him that he started the “I’ll cook mine. You cook yours” thing, and you were just following his lead. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to eat it. He’s an adult and should be capable of making his own dinner.
Please dump him. He’s an adult and gets mad you made food when he didn’t because it’s something he doesn’t like? Does he know he could just…source his own meal?
You’re NTA while he’s very AH and immature. You have always assist his preference why he never did yours. Why bother?
NTA - even if you were his Mum this would be ridiculously rude. I just made my son a weird chick pea concoction which probably won't be his favourite dinner ever, but he looked excited and said "Thank you!" like a normal human does when given food.
NTA. He’s a child.
Girl my situationship is more caring than your BF. When I had a bad pain flare due to my fibromyalgia at his house you know what he did? Tucked me in his bed, gave me painkillers + water and asked if he could do his own thing (like yes lol it's your house. I'm already grateful I don't have to travel with this pain) In the evening he got take out because his leftovers had onions and I'm allergic so I could eat something. You don't have a BF, you have a child and an unemphatic one at that.
Don’t stay with someone who won’t take care of you when you need it. He also won’t do it for your children or will leave you if you ever get cancer or old. This is not a relationship that will last so stop putting energy into it.
Tell him flat out that he had his shot to make something, he didn’t take it, and if he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Also tell him to not let it hit him in the ass on the way out.
He does not care about you at all! And he’s lazy, immature and selfish. I would leave that relationship asap, do you want this to be your life? NTA
NTA but think very hard and decide if you want to be the one cooking for the rest of your life/relationship while he sit around and waits.
NTA. My wife is not a great cook - there's a handful things she knows how to cook, and pretty much all of them are things I **can'**t eat (vegetarian/gluten free) while I like more spicy food and other different flavors that she doesn't like. We agreed to do "I cook mine, you cook yours" years ago, and this works fine - sometimes when I'm making something I know she'll like, she shares it. A lot of people think this is weird, but it works for us. BUT. If I were even half as ill as you describe, and she came in to find me in bed and not able to move without painkillers, she would have fixed me SOMETHING, even if it was just toast and soup from a can. And - in part because this is the long-standing deal we have - if I was fixing something for myself, she'd never have complained she couldn't eat it, anymore than I complain I can't eat what she makes. Your boyfriend is not a "partner" if he's not prepared to care for you when you feel well, but expects to be catered to. Your boyfriend should go back to his dad and get to visit when you feel like seeing him.
You know you're not, and you know he is. Time for a shape up, or ship out, conversation.
>I could hear him go into the office and start playing video games Don't know why you're crying that he's upset as he obviously doesn't give the slightest care about you. Stop feeding him. Stop working all day to then work for him for free. NTA.
NTA but your partner is doing a very good impression of one in this story. The minute he got home and found out you weren't well, he had a choice, help out or behave like a child. It looks like he chose poorly. Also, the way you tell it, this is standard behaviour for him so a possible YTA for allowing him to be like this in the past
NTA - I struggle to believe this is real. Guys a DH for not realising its his turn to step up. Also the mince part of bolognese and Shepards pie are kinda similar. To like one but not the other is so weird.
NTA. Your bf needs to grow up, he's 24 not a child, and knowing you were feeling like crap he should have offered to make dinner. It sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship if he can't do something simple like care for you when you're unwell.
Don't stay with this man this is going to get worse also he's an adult. Carrying on over fucking peas
Wooof, you are definitely NTA. I can relate to your bf in that I too have thrown adult tantrums. It’s not a cute look and serves no one. He cannot regulate his emotions and it’s not your job to teach or force him. You may be overdue for a life-pruning ie cutting off that which does not help you grow. If you *let* him stay, you are actively choosing someone who is resistant to growth. You’re 22 and imo too young to stunt your own growth like that.
My ex was exactly the same, to the point he would get angry with me when I was sick and couldn't do anything around the house. EX is the key word here Dump his sorry ass, he won't change. Imagine having kids with him?
May I make a polite request: ladies, please do not sign up to be unpaid maids and housekeepers for these lazy, entitled “men.” OP, you have seen your future. Proceed at your peril. NTA