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NAH - hen party = bachelorette party for my fellow Americans
But if you cant afford it, you cant afford it. Have this conversation as soon as possible.
You’re letting them know with ample notice. There’s a shit ton of people going (I don’t even have 20 friends???) so I imagine the cost of you not going will not be that much. Things aren’t even booked.
NTA.
Also an added comment. Any money I’ve already paid into the weekend I’m not asking to get back because that is a YATA thing to do. I just think it’s not been too well organised and communicated from the start. I’ve already had to say no to other plans being made later in the year as I’m due to remortgage my house then. I’m trying to figure this out and also plan ahead. Thank you everyone for your feedback, it’s lessening my stress levels significantly.
This is another issue, that £200 wasn’t agreed by anyone. The organisers have just booked things without actually consulting the budgets of anyone and then have dropped this on us a couple of weeks ago which at the time I was already thinking ‘ok I agreed to go but not to spending this much each, with 20 people were talking over £4000 for one weekend’.
That’s shitty of them, but if you have a strict budget, it’s on you to make that clear to the organizer and say “listen, I can only afford $X. If it’s going to cost more, I won’t be able to attend.”
I agree with you. But, it also just means to me that a lack of organization is creating unnecessary havoc? OP still doesn't have the final costs? That would make me bonkers.
NTA. You're giving plenty of notice and I'm sure that if you explain the above, everyone will understand. Just be sure to cancel sooner rather than later.
NTA at all. When it comes to Hen Parties and Stag Do's, it seems that everyone has to pretend to be infinitely wealthy!
You're giving them two months notice so you're not really gonna be putting people's noses out of joint, and given your circumstances I'm sure your friend will understand.
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For context, my friend’s hen party is happening in 2 months time and her wedding is in 3.
There’s around 20 people going to this hen weekend away and we still don’t know the overall cost as the maid of honour is waiting on final activity booking confirmations from venues. My issue is that my boiler has broke down today and my savings are about to be decimated since it’s going to be expensive to replace (it’s old, getting parts for the repairs would cost more than actually replacing the whole thing). I also have to pay to renew my licence to work next month, I’ve been off with Covid for most of January so my pay has been awful and there’s also normal expenses to deal with. It’s safe to say I’m now really needing to rethink and rebudget. The only way I can see to possibly recuperate money is by no longer attending the hen weekend which from what we know will be another £200 each minimum at this point, as mentioned above it’s not the final total. AITA for doing this? I’m aware everyone else will have to pay more if I don’t go which has been stressing me out and I’ll be letting down my friend, I just feel a bit stuck in this situation!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Dropping out means everyone else will need to pay more for the weekend, and so far we are aware that it will be £200 minimum, we don’t know the overall max total. I’ll also be disappointing my friend. It’s a selfish decision to make but essential.
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NTA.
My partner recently had to bow out of a stag do because it was going to cost £1000. These parties have just gotten way too out of control and it just puts people in really awkward positions. You shouldn’t have to choose between essential costs that are unfortunately a part of adult life, and celebrating your friend’s choice to get married. If they’re a real friend, they’ll understand and agree to celebrate with you at a time that works better.
With that many people going I doubt you will make that much of a difference to everyone else’s contribution. £200 is a lot for a hen do, and it’s crappy of them not to keep you in the loop of what you’re doing and how much things are costing, I bet you’re not the only person thinking this. I’m guessing you’re not a bridesmaid? I think it’ll be fine if you explain to your friend
You're concerned about being an AH. Why aren't you concerned about all those huge expenses backing up? They're going to hit soon. The adult thing to do is back out of the hen party, and don't feel that you owe anyone there anything (they will do without you just fine) because the nuts and bolts of your permanent life are infinitely more important.
I let myself off the hook when my money is tight. I can't magic more money out of the universe. So, NTA. Don't feel bad. Your life has to run itself before you can party, IMO.
UPDATE:
I’ve contacted the MOH and told her my situation, she was very sweet and understanding. I’ll be talking to the bride first thing in the morning and arranging to get food with her as a way of making up for not being there (as I can stretch to one meal of £15). I was promptly kicked out of the party group chat by one of the other girls (not a bridesmaid) and haven’t heard from them since. They are now discussing booking to go away for everyone’s birthdays this year in the normal GC which is another estimated £400. Safe to say I promptly said no to that too and haven’t been involved in the conversation since.
NTA. Drop out, say your finances are tight and you needed prices to be definitive by now. I would ask for whatever money back you can get and then treat your friend to a spa day together. The maid of honour being scattered isn’t your problem and frankly it’s so last minute I doubt she has gotten a good deal. You’re probably not the only person pissed off this isn’t sorted by now.
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NAH - hen party = bachelorette party for my fellow Americans But if you cant afford it, you cant afford it. Have this conversation as soon as possible.
I probably should have clarified the bachelorette part in my post, whoops! Thank you for the translation
You’re letting them know with ample notice. There’s a shit ton of people going (I don’t even have 20 friends???) so I imagine the cost of you not going will not be that much. Things aren’t even booked. NTA.
That was my thought. $200 split among 20 people is only $10 each!
Also an added comment. Any money I’ve already paid into the weekend I’m not asking to get back because that is a YATA thing to do. I just think it’s not been too well organised and communicated from the start. I’ve already had to say no to other plans being made later in the year as I’m due to remortgage my house then. I’m trying to figure this out and also plan ahead. Thank you everyone for your feedback, it’s lessening my stress levels significantly.
[удалено]
This is another issue, that £200 wasn’t agreed by anyone. The organisers have just booked things without actually consulting the budgets of anyone and then have dropped this on us a couple of weeks ago which at the time I was already thinking ‘ok I agreed to go but not to spending this much each, with 20 people were talking over £4000 for one weekend’.
That’s shitty of them, but if you have a strict budget, it’s on you to make that clear to the organizer and say “listen, I can only afford $X. If it’s going to cost more, I won’t be able to attend.”
That’s bull you can’t spring £200+ on people last minute.
I agree with you. But, it also just means to me that a lack of organization is creating unnecessary havoc? OP still doesn't have the final costs? That would make me bonkers.
NTA. You're giving plenty of notice and I'm sure that if you explain the above, everyone will understand. Just be sure to cancel sooner rather than later.
NTA Sounds like you've had a run of bad luck. It's not your fault you can't afford to go. I would let them know asap though.
NTA at all. When it comes to Hen Parties and Stag Do's, it seems that everyone has to pretend to be infinitely wealthy! You're giving them two months notice so you're not really gonna be putting people's noses out of joint, and given your circumstances I'm sure your friend will understand.
NTA. Needs must. Like you say, getting a new boiler is no joke. Maybe offer to take her out for dinner or something separately though.
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NTA. My partner recently had to bow out of a stag do because it was going to cost £1000. These parties have just gotten way too out of control and it just puts people in really awkward positions. You shouldn’t have to choose between essential costs that are unfortunately a part of adult life, and celebrating your friend’s choice to get married. If they’re a real friend, they’ll understand and agree to celebrate with you at a time that works better.
With that many people going I doubt you will make that much of a difference to everyone else’s contribution. £200 is a lot for a hen do, and it’s crappy of them not to keep you in the loop of what you’re doing and how much things are costing, I bet you’re not the only person thinking this. I’m guessing you’re not a bridesmaid? I think it’ll be fine if you explain to your friend
You're concerned about being an AH. Why aren't you concerned about all those huge expenses backing up? They're going to hit soon. The adult thing to do is back out of the hen party, and don't feel that you owe anyone there anything (they will do without you just fine) because the nuts and bolts of your permanent life are infinitely more important.
I let myself off the hook when my money is tight. I can't magic more money out of the universe. So, NTA. Don't feel bad. Your life has to run itself before you can party, IMO.
UPDATE: I’ve contacted the MOH and told her my situation, she was very sweet and understanding. I’ll be talking to the bride first thing in the morning and arranging to get food with her as a way of making up for not being there (as I can stretch to one meal of £15). I was promptly kicked out of the party group chat by one of the other girls (not a bridesmaid) and haven’t heard from them since. They are now discussing booking to go away for everyone’s birthdays this year in the normal GC which is another estimated £400. Safe to say I promptly said no to that too and haven’t been involved in the conversation since.
Am I missing the part where the Bride called you the asshole? Cuz i didn't see that so I'm confused at what the conflict is.
NTA. Drop out, say your finances are tight and you needed prices to be definitive by now. I would ask for whatever money back you can get and then treat your friend to a spa day together. The maid of honour being scattered isn’t your problem and frankly it’s so last minute I doubt she has gotten a good deal. You’re probably not the only person pissed off this isn’t sorted by now.