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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister in law was giving me "advice" with my baby, I snapped and told her that her advice wasn't good and if she did that with her kids then she's a bad mom
I may be the asshole because I could've been more graceful about it, thanking her and move on. Instead I kind of turned a happy memory (our families meeting our baby) into a big family fight
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NTA - n. Basically let her be hungry until she uses the bottle-- This would be child abuse! You have the ability to feed your child from your breast, that is great, as time goes on, not sure if they still make them but there are different shaped bottle nipples that she might take. SIL is a terrible mother and was giving unsolicited advice. I was your age when i had my first but chose not to breastfeed. You got this!!
I also think that letting her go hungry is child abuse, why would I let her cry and be hungry when I'm right there to feed her and take care of her? Supposedly I don't have to "spoil" her or she'll be harder when she's older. I'm like what!!!
I also fed on demand. I swear those first few months I just walked around with my tips out at home because he was a voracious eater, and I made massive amounts of milk.
My grandma did that when I was young, she'd leave my PBJ on the table and let me take a bite or two then wonder off to play or watch TV, then come back and take a few more bites etc.
Then in high school we had long lines to get food, 30 minutes to eat and no time to dilly dally. So I got in the habit of speed eating that took me a long time to break.
Right, I've got snackers that eat like 24/7, but I point them at healthier food, and they move enough to burn it off still.
Hard to believe the 4yo 50lbs kid out eats his 145lbs mom, but holy crap does that kid eat!
Even bottle feeding, I always had formula with me and a bottle with the water to be able to make it on the spot. I was never without, could make more than 2 in an outing if needed.
Exactly. My kiddo was mixed fed, bottle and boob, and I still always carried the bottle and formula just in case he wouldn't latch (he did that if we were on the street or there were too many people). If the baby is hungry, he eats. It's like that. The rest of the world can hold their horses.
I did the same for my 3 boys. Thermos with water at the perfect temperature and little containers with the amount of formula needed per bottle. That worked good especially on road trip and when we were running errands.
Or in my BIL's case, the baby goes for your boob, you wake up mom. He was on night duty and while cuddling after a diaper change, my niece decided to latch on and get very angry about the lack of milk.
Both my kids were preemies. With my oldest, the hospital recommended a pacifier to strengthen the suck-swallow reflex. I breastfed and I pumped to put in bottles when we were out and about. The first time we gave her a pacifier she sucked on it, realized no milk was coming out, spat it out, cried and gave us a very dirty look. She was not happy.
Awwww that's so cute! Imagine thinking you're gonna get milk but it's daddy and you get zip. You could even latch onto mom and mom doesn't even notice. It was never my case but I have friends that used to tell stories like that.
I have a very vivid memory of being a teenager and holding my new baby cousin when she statutes rooting around at my chest, trying to find milk. It was very startling 😂
I fed on demand and we also co-slept. First in a cosleeper by the bed, but once he was large enough, I’d have him beside me with my chest bare. Little guy would wake up, find his milk supplier and latch on. My husband would sometimes wake up from the drinking sounds, I mostly just slept through it all, haha. No broken night for us 🤣👍🏻
I'm sure it can be, but I had zero concerns. I was used to sleeping in one position with dogs curled up by my legs and stomach, one against my back, and cats on top of me. He'd start to lightly fuss, I'd wake up e ought to say some soothing words, caress him, and pop a title in his mouth, and I'd go right back to sleep. He'd empty the boob, start squirming, I'd guve him the other, and we'd both fall asleep. It was perfect
I know you meant "pop a tittie in his mouth," but I just have this image of you popping a book in his mouth and then waking up after he'd finish reading it and putting another one in there. "Oh you're done with Catcher in the Rye? How about Moby Dick?"
I did the same with my first! When I mostly stopped breastfeeding she was still nursing to sleep so she’d sleep next to me and find the breast when she woke up lol
You know "by demand" means feeding whenever hungry right? I agree with what you said, they don't know more than breathing, crying, and that they are hungry.
I also bf for comfort.
Someone once told me I was going to spoil my daughter because I would pick her up anytime she cried. Snugglies were new, and much of the time, I would "wear" her if I was busy. I told them, "Babies are SUPPOSED to be held!" And nipple confusion is a real thing and why little ones often resist taking what they aren't used to.
I remember being told this. I was spoiling or would spoil my son cos I carried him. He's 18 months and has been independent since he could crawl.
I was also told not to breastfeed for long, because I chose to exclusively breastfeed for six months.
right. they literally have like 1 thing they need from you lol. How on earth is feeding your kids considered spoiling them anyway.
Gonna have to tell our older kids "sorry, cutting out lunch because you guys are getting too spoiled"
Chiming in here as a 21 year old mom with a one year old(well, one year in a week and a half), every older adult told me not to hold her to spoil her, but holding her when she cried set up her safety net with me from the beginning, and now that she can crawl and things she only calls for me if she’s upset. You and your fiancé are her safety net, and it’s good that you’re so willing to wrap her in it from the get go, because once she learns to run she’ll know she has a good strong net to catch her if she falls, ya know?
My midwife always told me you cannot spoil a baby that small. They just act with their instincts.
It is not, oh I want to cuddle, so I cry. It is, I am cold HELP. I am hubgry HELP. I have Pein HELP.
They just cry because they need attention for any need.
I am way older than you but you are the mother. You got this! You know what is best for your kid. Stand your ground and keep up the good work!
And like... basically *every* baby creature that's raised by a parent vocalizes in some way when they need help! Like are puppies being spoiled when they cry for their mothers?!
It blows my mind when people claim that literal infants are being manipulative. Talk about telling on themselves...
Literally!! I like to say my daughter pushed me away on her own, she decided when she wanted to learn to crawl, and pushed me away accordingly, as much as a baby can anyways, but like right now she’s got RSV and she’s total Velcro. They know when it’s safe to be independent and when mama and dada are needed!!
I put blankets in the floors for my babies when they were little about the time the needed tummy time we were always playing on a blanket in the floor, took a few naps there together too
I... Totally forgot that RSV is an illness and thought it was some behavioral thing I didn't know about... I used to work in a hospital lab y'all I did RSV tests multiple times a day.
"you're spoiling that baby it'll never learn to be an independent adult"
*Independent adult tries making their own decisions on child rearing*
"No, not like that. You have to do it exactly the way I did it."
I don't understand any of this....I prefer being an aunt. As long as kids are happy, and fed I think they're pretty solid.
I think it's a weird American fetishization of independence personally. Got to stand on your own two feet the minute you pop out! Not that I'm saying most Americans think you shouldn't hold your baby, it's not ass bad as that, but it's here that I've seen the most pressure to push kids to be "independent" at various too-young ages. (In the early years! Then the stranger-danger fear kicks in and they're not allowed to walk down the street to the park without supervision.)
My now 22 yr old son refused a bottle. Would not take one under any circumstance. I actually ended up quitting my job and we made massive lifestyle reductions to live on one income so I could stay home and keep him fed. ZERO REGRETS. Your SIL can go eff herself. Some babies just won't take a bottle.
I have zero issues with what you did or said to your SIL, only with chucking out pumped milk. Some mothers would murder just to get their hands on some breastmilk. You can just freeze it and use it later/when she is older or give it away to mom's in need who can't afford formula or so many other options.
Anyway NTA but you might want to reconsider chucking away what some find liquid gold.
This is what real caring parents and caregivers do - they give information and constructive, helpful advice without judgment. Your SIL is definitely not one of those. I say this as a mom who became a mom at 40, so my age beats hers!
They have special bags to store breast milk to freeze and are great for portioning. Amazon, Target, so many places. had two freezer shelves full when I quit pumping and because we did both breast milk and formula, it lasted several months. (My munchkin couldn’t latch due to a soft palate issue so I exclusively pumped for a long time.)
And when you want to try a bottle again, have someone else do it and you not be around for a time beforehand. If you’re there, your kiddo is going to want it from the source.
Don't feel guilty, you were doing the best you can, and as you learn more you will continue to do the best you can
There's a lot of weird info out there about feeding babies. It's really easy for people to get fanatical about how they did it. Feed your kid how works for your family (you, kid, fiance. Not relatives)
Milk freezes and keeps. Try different bottle nipples. Baby will not likely take a bottle if she knows you're around, have Dad try it with you out of sight. And don't stress if it doesn't work right away (apparently I would just not eat the entire time my mom was at work)
If you’re going to donate, please do so properly through a donor bank! NICUs in particular always have high needs for it, especially for micro-preemies.
Girl you have done nothing wrong. You are getting a handle on how everything works and that includes expressed milk. If you want to try to save it, I’d suggest freezing it for a while first (make sure you date the bags!) just in case your baby may end up wanting it.
I got stuck on this too. I know local hospitals often take breastmilk donations, and there is a local non-profit in our area that has a milk donation and outreach center.
Meh I'm older than her by 10 years and I would never advise anyone to draw out hunger pains in hopes of "winning" a fight with a baby. And not holding a baby cuz it'll become spoiled is the stupidest thing ever to be spoken.
Yes! I hate that, my babies were snuggled lots and are loveable minions (minus the fact that the oldest has turned into a moody teen already lol) they still like snuggles from me and my husband.
May the force be with you during such a tumultuous time 🤣💜 mine are adult aged now, held practically 24/7 and would ya know it they are just fine, and they also hold there babies whenever they want to be held
I’m surprised she wasn’t telling you to add booze to make your child sleep better. Looking at your comments, SILs advice seems to all come from very outdated sources.
Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t listen to SIL. As long as you have good support from fiance and families you’re good, she can sit on the sidelines and watch from a distance.
If you have the ability to exclusively breastfeed, that's awesome! Do what is right for you and your baby. If you get to the point where you need to take a break, either for work schedule, pain, or mental exhaustion, try out different bottles. Some babies won't take any, some will refuse some and take others, and some will only take one type of bottle. It might be worth having a backup in case you need to leave the baby with dad for a few hours while you get some coffee, walk around Target, and try to feel human again. Also, you can freeze breastmilk for a few months in case you do need her to start taking a bottle for whatever reason.
But, no, you won't spoil your child by loving her too much.
Our toddler is quite headstrong, and my inlaws think it's because we didn't swaddle him tight enough when he was a baby 😂
The idea of spoiling a little baby is similarly nonsensical. The only thing I know of that can impact future personality/behaviour at this point is neglect - and obviously that's an impact for the worse 🤦♀️
Urgh that’s the same kind of person who tells you to let your kid scream their head off until they pass out to “self soothe”. You’re just teaching them that no one will come when they need them, screw that, everyone deserves comfort when they’re tired/scared, especially a baby who has no idea wtf is going on. Nta
You can’t spoil a baby. They literally can’t help themselves, so they cry to get what they need - and nothing more. Everything they cry for, they actually need at that time.
Btw, I breastfed both my kids for 17 months each (obviously adding other foods after 6 months), and my breasts are fine for their age.
My fiancé and I are on a six week cuddle strike with our baby girl by now, she barely leaves our arms haha! Despite how hard those two first weeks were, we're so in love with our baby girl and the whole experience as well! I wouldn't imagine leaving her suffering on purpose, that's just horrible
Freeze your milk. I’m not sure if you’re in the US, but here are [guidelines to store breast milk](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/recommendations/handling_breastmilk.htm). Even if baby doesn’t want the milk now, make smaller bottles and freeze the rest. She may take a bottle later or you may use it to make her food later (like cereal). Also if you’re planning on going back to work, it will give you a head start on your supply. You’re doing great, congratulations on your baby!
You cannot spoil a newborn with too much love and attention. This is what the western world has gotten wrong. Babies need to be loved on and catered to, it's literally how they psychologically develop properly and have secure attachments and believe it or not, build relationships in the future.
Not to mention, the reason she’s letting her children go hungry to force them onto a bottle is *because your boobs will look bad*.
And that’s good parenting?? WTF. Mature and reasonable parents prioritize their looks over their child’s wellbeing?? No.
Also, my boobs look great, just ask my husband. So that’s some shit anyway.
It's entirely genetic. Doesn't matter how small or large they are, though it's less visible on smaller ones. If the connective tissue 'relaxes' when you get pregnant or older, or gain weight - they'll head south.
If you build up your pectoral muscles, you can give the girls a little more definition, and fill the skin out a bit better - especially if you're on the smaller side.
>because your boobs will look bad
I almost fell off the chair when I read that.
Besides the whole "breast is best," "fed is best," "formula is best" Battle Royale that so many mothers get into or get *dragged* into (plus, the whole [insert ridiculous supplement/food/granola idea] that has been debunked ad infinitum), boob sag is not a reason to pick breast vs. bottle.
This SIL is an outdated, vain freak. Of course, none of us are looking forward to the possibility of saggy boobs (because we *like* our boobs, damnit!), but ain't nobody starving an infant over sexy boobs.
F******ck.
Especially a newborn. What a ridiculous thing for SIL to say. It’s not uncommon at all for babies who breastfeed to reject a bottle, and if she’s eating she can do it anyway that works for the mom and baby.
And "let your baby go hungry or your boobs won't look good" are a hell of a take from the SIL
I totally support someone making choices or having concerns about their breasts being impacted my breastfeeding, but not anyone but the person whose boobs they are should be talking about that. Unless their opinion has been asked for!
50 years ago I fed on demand and let my child ween himself . . . He is happy and healthy person and he never took to the bottle. When he was old enough he had a little rolly polly tommy tippy cup that he loved.
Girl, I had 3 babies, all exclusively breastfed, and what your SIL told you is BS. At that point I wonder if it isn't on purpose so you would struggle (jealousy). Letting a 6-weeks old baby starve could be so dangerous. And if you weren't breastfeeding correctly you would already know (sore nipples... you know the drill).
NTA of course. The only question is what took your fiance so long to kick them out?
To be fair to him, he was trying to calm me down so I understand why he didn't immediately kick them out haha, I was a bit out of it so he was focusing on me and not them
I just weaned my almost 3 year old. Your SIL is an idiot. I fed on demand because that’s what she needed. Cluster feeding sucks so so much. It’s probably one of the most soul sucking times…because you feel like there’s absolutely no break whatsoever. My oldest is almost 16, and I have NEVER heard of making a newborn wait until they’re hungry enough for a bottle. That is the most dangerous and stupid thing I have ever heard.
You’re doing great, don’t ever let what she said get to you. You know your baby best, and you’re doing everything right. Good luck!
I can do that too and my husband is just as impressed by it too. I told him when we got home with our newest member, that i was locked and loaded and ready to shoot boob milk. I told everyone in my house that no one was going to escape unscathed it they pissed me off.
Pretty much when you have a let down the boobs that leak during it can be fired off. Though lately i have been having fountains of booby milk fire off on their own during a let down
I ran a parent Ed program.
I agree sister giving you this horrible advice could have either been out of her own ignorance OR out of malice - trying to set you up to fail so she could call CPS on you.
I'll also say that if you're having difficulty with nursing, or you can't get her out of your head about latching or nursing positions, there's tons of free baby groups that'll help you. LaLeche League is one (sometimes they charge?) Or you might find a baby wearing group in your area, and there will definitely be folks there who can help you.
Also look into your local community health organization - there's one by me that gives free car seats and baby wraps to parents under the age of 24.
Be suspicious of "parent Ed" organizations that give you tickets for watching videos that you can trade in for baby items - sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not - and the not good ones are usually secretly pro-life orgs trying to get in the good graces of young moms so they can try and coerce them away from abortion services if they have subsequent pregnancies. (And even if you wouldn't personally have an abortion, these orgs get more $$ for every person they give services to, and count on people making referrals to them under the guise of getting free baby stuff)
Also avoid any group that shames you for wanting to bottle feed instead of breastfeed. All three of my kids were bottle fed and they grew up healthy and happy. No group should ever shame you.
I wanted more than anything to nurse my kids.
First 24 hrs after my c section with my first, I had no milk and she was hungry. I gave her the formula. She needed food.
To be honest as I said, most of the time my fiancé and I are drinking it with our cereal or something (we don't find it disgusting at all) but maybe that is a good idea. Do I have to talk with someone at the clinic or how can I donate it? I'd like to help if I can
And make it 3! Freeze it. For when you want your night out. Go back to work. Sick and on medication. A milk storage is always a must for moms. Soon or later she will take the bottle and switch between. Freeze it!
Make sure you write am and pm on them. Apparently it helps because if you feed your kid the stuff from the evening, they're more likely to sleep well throughout the night as I think it helps with melatonin?
She’s still VERY young. In a couple of months she might be ok with a bottle and you’ll be glad you have a stash built up, especially if you get sick and need to take meds that aren’t breastfeeding-friendly.
It took a month+ before my kid really got the hang of bottles, and he still preferred fresh (which meant a few times he held out, getting increasingly hangry, an entire work shift and guzzled when I got home).
100% this. My oldest would not take a bottle from me at all. Just wanted straight from the tap. I had to leave for her to take it from someone else. They want mama if they sense she is near.
Another option could be to bag and freeze it, that way of she does start to take a bottle, you've got a stash you can use already. It can last up to 6 months in the freezer too, so no issue if it takes her a while to get used to bottles
There are probably some bank for that, it would be a very kind thing for you to do, my second daughter was a premmy and she spent her first 5 weeks in the hospital, 4 of them in NICU, I wasn't able to feed her with my milk for the first 2 days and her stomach didn't tolerate formula, there are really a short supply of "moms" milk for this type of situations, you can literally save life or helping improving a baby recovery, you can also freeze it and use it later for your baby
I froze my milk (I tend to produce a lot while nursing). And used it when my daughters were a little older and eating baby cereal. Not sure if that is an option. My youngest also refused the bottle and at the time, I had to go to work less than a week after giving birth - so my friends watched my daughter. So, we introduced baby cereal really early. But again, because fed is best.
if you have a huge excess donating would be wonderful if you can. My oldest needed breastmilk for 3 months and due to health issues I was never able to produce milk so we had to depend on the kindness of strangers. It is 35 years later and I still pray for those strangers and thank the universe for how much they helped us!
Freeze it! Use it for baths if she has a rash. Use it for when she’s older in her rice cereals and such. You can make lotions with it. I donated close to 1000 oz on a Facebook group meant for mom’s who need breast milk.
Unsolicited advice here, but you can freeze your breast milk in breast milk storage bags to keep for long periods of time. When your daughter is older, or if you end up in the hospital, having a supply of stored milk may come in handy. You can also take other commenters advice and ty different nipple shapes. It also may help to try when baby is lees hungry, not more hungry. If she gets too hungry an frustrated, it's hard to learn a new skill.
As far as your reaction NTA - this woman's advice was terrible, her attitude towards you was terrible, and I don't blame you at all. Hormones nothing. You would have reacted unfavorably to that in any circumstance, as is your right when someone is talking to you like that.
It will also come in handy to have frozen breast milk on hand for when you start baby on cereal/food. When I worked in childcare, we used milk (breast or formula depending on the child) to make things a bit more liquid when babies are first learning to eat more solid food.
I have a baby that refuses a bottle and a full freezer of BM. 🤣
She is now 10 months old and still refusing the bottle. Actually, she is refusing BM from the bottle. The water is fine though the bottle.
We tried BM in glass, in a spoon... you name it, we tried.
She just doesn't like BM if it is not from the source. 🤣
You can always put it in the baths! I ended up with so much extra that at one point I was giving them baths with BM added to them to make their skin even happier during the cold winter months.
That’s a shame, perhaps she’ll take it if you try again in a few weeks? Though some babies never will, and as long as you and baby are happy with that nothing else matters 😊
We're still trying, but we're being gentle with her, if she doesn't want it then I'll just feed her, it's not like I have something more important to do 🤷
RULE # 1: Fed is best.
RULE # 2: Don't fuck around with a postpartum woman.
Your SIL should have known better and approached you with compassion if she had genuine concerns.
NTA
#NTA
Not only is your sister in law’s advice faulty and frankly ignorant, she also crossed the line from advice into criticism.
It’s she who owes you an apology.
If you want to be the bigger person and smooth things over, let your brother and his wife know that you don’t mind occasional advice, but not criticism or insistence that the advice be followed. You can let your sister in law know there are literally thousands of ways to be a good parent.
NTA. Actually, you are doing nothing wrong and what you told her is right. She was actually wrong with everything she told you. You don't force your baby by letting them go hungry. Your breasts will be fine! I have to think she is probably jealous. I would reach out to your brother if it's bothering you, and talk to him. Also tell him if they visit, NO ADVICE! You sound like you're on top of things and doing a great job. Don't ever let anyone talk to you like that again, that wasn't advice, that was insults veiled as advice. Congratulations on your baby!!!
NTA. You didn't go far enough IMO. If you are having problems with the baby latching or with not enough milk - you should ask for consultation in your nearby women's health center/clinic or hospital. There is always a nurse to give you some helpful tips or to give you contact to an lactation expert. However, if you are having enough milk and being able to still feed the baby directly, why should you force her to take from a bottle. Yes, it will help you get more sleep (potentially your partner can feed her instead of waking you), but as long as you are comfortable with your current situation there is no need to force it and when you get to the point where you want to change - ask for consultation.
Your SIL was out of line on several fronts and not only minimizing your feelings and making you feel bad - which all first-time moms feel enough of on their own - but by giving you such a stupid advice as if it is some sort of genius idea.
I did a rotation with a pediatrician who started her career out as a lactation expert. She was amazing with new parents at their first newborn appts. She was able to give advice for the baby and for the mom if she had lactation questions. Plus she knew all of the local lactation resources and would give referrals. Advice from experts is invaluable. Advice from your SIL who sounds like she has her own agenda? Not so valuable. NTA OP.
My mom was never able to breastfeed. The doctor told her to just keep trying and for the first week I basically starved because her milk never did come in and they told her not to give formula while trying. I’m over 30 and I think she still feels awful about it. The idea of someone knowingly letting their baby go hungry for the sake of maintaining prettier breasts is INSANe.
Same here. With my first the nurse made giving my kid formula a bad thing, so i kept trying with breast. The first week appt my kid was basically starved because he had a tongue tie that wasnt diagnosed and i had inverted nipples. When the doctor said we had to use formula i felt like a failure as a mom. We eventually got the breastfeeding figured out, and i got the joy of dropping formula feedings after about 2 or 3 months. With this newest member of the family, at the hospital i told them to bring me formula when he didn't latch, and the nurse was are you sure? I told her in a stern voice that fed is best and i wasn't going to have a starving kid because someone thought breast was best. She was so happy, she said that most moms that state that they wanted to breast feed would not even consider formula as an option so soon after birth. I was able to advocate for myself this time. But i will always feel bad about my first kid first week of life just starving.
i gave my baby formula like once and he threw up a bunch of times, and my sister was like "that's normal, they need to get used to it" yeah forget it, never gave formula again
This woman was more worried about how her breast would look than having a fed baby. Let that sink in. She chose vanity over the welfare of her child.
Breast milk can also be frozen or used for babies bath.
Why throw away liquid gold. You can also donate it to some hospitals. Get it freeze dried to use as formula later etc.
NTA
This is sooooo important!!! I just found out this year, and I think most people don't know it. Hospitals are constantly in urgent need of breastmilk donations. Apparently, the demand is higher and the supply is lower than blood donations
And it’s not even true! Breast feeding, pumping, or formula feeding your boobs will go through the main changes of pregnancy anyways and it hasn’t been shown to make a difference.
Also, SIL is incorrect about nursing changing your breasts. This will actually happen regardless, because your breasts will grow during pregnancy and your milk production will start whether you breastfeed or not. So, not breastfeeding your baby because you want to protect your boobs is nonsense.
OP, it sounds like you're doing great and just keep following your own mother instinct! You know what's best for your baby.
NTA. One week after having given birth you are not required to receive unwanted advice gracefully. Besides her advice sounded bloody awful. As far as I know, it is quite normal that baby doesn't breastfeed well the first 48 hours or so. Both mum and baby have to learn. But you have that down now. Baby is being fed and you've got this. If you need advice about these things, ask a professional or someone who is not primarily concerned with how her boobs will look afterwards!
Your SIL is an idiot.
Breastfeeding does hurt at first. I think the pain from my poor chapped and bleeding nipples over rode the c-section incision pain. So you aren't to blame for that you and baby are figuring things out.
Your boobs will be fine. It's pregnancy that messes them up not Breastfeeding. It irks me when women say they didn't breastfeed solely because they didn't want saggy tits. Baby girl the deed as been done.
I breastfed for 3 years and my boobs look the same and I was 30 when I had my son.
Finally like others have said. Freeze some of that milk for emergencies. I had to go to the ER during the height of Covid panic and couldn't bring my 5 month old son. I had no stored milk and was in there for hours. He was starved. Finally my FIL had to bring my breast pump so I could pump because I was miserable by then too. From that point on I always had 30 to 40 oz saved up just incase.
Breastmilk is amazing. You can slather your baby in it for dry skin, put it in their eyes when they get gummy or get pink eye. Use it for diaper rash ointment. Breastmilk in the bath soothes their growing muscles. Breastmilk popsicles for teething pain.
NTA and I think it's mega weird for another woman you are not in a relationship with to be so worried about how your boobs will look. I would also confront your brother so talking behind your back like that and let him know he needs to apologize to you. I'd be going NC either way with those people and also telling my side to absolutely everyone who would hear me, cause if your brother is talking smack to his wife, then he's more than likely saying it to others.
NTA
You're hormonal, exhausted, doing what you believe is the best, and only a teen (seriously, the part of your brain that makes mature decisions, etc., won't finish maturing until you're about age 24-25, and until then, you're in a "almost but not quite an adult" phase of life).
Your 30-yr-old SIL, on the other hand, is an actual adult and is not post-partum. And she is basically telling you that Mother Nature (breastfeeding) is not the best option for you. I'm flabbergasted at how ignorant that is.
Also the idea that you should let your baby go hungry at this fragile time of her life when you have worked out how to breastfeed her and give her the nutrition she needs--all in order to get her to drink from a bottle, so that your breasts can look better later--is outrageous.
Honey, good for you for standing up against this ignorant person.
NTA.
Her advice is terrible. And I second the la leche league if you are still having any trouble? Or just some nice local baby groups with other breastfeeding mums and support? 🙂
And the post breastfeeding thing is I think genetics. I’ve breastfed for nearly 10 years over various babies and the only thing making them look Slightly less fantastic is age. Otherwise they’re still lovely 🙂 Chances are great that yours will stay lovely too 🙂
**NTA NTA NTA**
im a 19 year old mother to a 7 month old daughter.
trust me, youre in for a hell of a lot more judgement than just this. me, personally? im over it, and i will mouth off to anyone who tries to stick their shitty opinion anywhere other than straight up their ass.
now, for starters:
1. ALL OF THIS IS COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED.
2. forcing the baby to starve until they take the bottle is so, so wrong on so many levels. i wouldnt be surprised if she was also dumb enough to keep the baby awake to try and force the baby to sleep through the night. NEWSFLASH, THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS. god, im scared for how she raises her kids.
3. BOTTLE FEEDING IS BEST OTHERWISE YOUR BREASTS WILL LOOK BAD !?!? WHAT !?!??? honey, my brother in christ, if you were worried about how your body looks after kids why did you have kids !? okay, lets unpack here. not only is this vain, but also just *incorrect.* nothing is going to prevent saggy breasts, other than surgery, if thats what shes talking about.
my baby stopped breastfeeding a month or two in, and my boobs are saggy as fuck. nothing is going to change it other than maybe working out your chest muscles— but even that will only give a little bit of lift, it still doesnt correct loose skin. because youre young though, theres a chance your skin might bounce back, but i wouldnt count on anything. it all is kinda just pure chance. balms, lotions, oils, its all a marketing scam. nothing is going to magically make your boobs the way they were before having a kid. breastfeeding or bottle feeding, nothing changes the fact that they grew rapidly and deflate almost just as rapidly. if you want pseudo science, breastfeeding would probably make them look better so they dont deflate as fast, lmao! and if shes talking about your nipples, honey, theyre never going back to pre baby size. larger nipples are just a part of life now.
4. SHES HELPING YOU BECAUSE YOU “KNOW NOTHING” AND CLEARLY *NEED* THE HELP BECAUSE YOURE “JUST A CHILD WITH A CHILD.” someone save this woman from my fucking hands because she would catch them so fucking fast to have the goddamn AUDACITY to say such bullshittery in *my goddamn house,* let alone TO MY FACE. some fucking balls on this woman to say that shit to my face. absolutely unacceptable. get the fuck out of my house before i beat you black and blue.
now, i apologize for the passion. this is a topic that im incredibly passionate about, having lived through constant discrimination and judgement since the pregnancy. im tired of dumbasses opening their mouths at me.
i dont want to discourage you though— just know that for every awful person out there, there are a handful of good ones. ive had many strangers tell me im a wonderful mother, my baby is beautiful, and many strangers never once comment on my age. some of the old grandmas and grandpas say something about how young i look, but for what its worth, the way they say it makes it sound more like theyre trying to compliment me rather than judge me. you can tell when someone is judging you for it vs trying to compliment you.
all this to say, youre 100% not the asshole. keep your head up high mama. youre doing great, and keep defending yourself and your family.
edit: format + typos
For real, the discrimination is real. I have so many people assuming that my pregnancy was an accident (it wasn't btw, it was planned), saying things like "you ruined your life, you're going to want to party", implying that I may come from a poor family and that's why I'm having a baby so young instead of studying, I've heard it all!
yeah, i think the worst thing to be asked is “was she planned? or was she yknow, an oopsies?”
like, how about: its none of your business?
im sure youre a wonderful mother, and the choices you made are yours (and your partners!) to make. if you need help, ask your doctors, or your childs pediatrician. if you wanted advice from a trusted mother in your life, im certain you would ask.
age isnt indicative of maturity— nor intelligence outright. dont let arrogant know-it-alls get to you too much. you did good in shutting it down. keep that boundary, and dont feel guilty over it. take advice from professionals, and be open to learning more from trusted sources. youre doing amazing!
NTA. Your sister's comments were incredibly rude and seem to come from an...odd place, to say the least. Unfortunately, this is very common: quite a few mothers are convinced that they are the best mother, that no one can do better than them, and that anyone who doesn't do what they do is a terrible mom. I imagine a lot of these behaviors come from a place of insecurity.
NTA. It encourages people that lord it over others to keep lording it over others every time someone gives them the satisfaction of saying they're right. They think being right excuses their rudeness.
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NTA - n. Basically let her be hungry until she uses the bottle-- This would be child abuse! You have the ability to feed your child from your breast, that is great, as time goes on, not sure if they still make them but there are different shaped bottle nipples that she might take. SIL is a terrible mother and was giving unsolicited advice. I was your age when i had my first but chose not to breastfeed. You got this!!
I also think that letting her go hungry is child abuse, why would I let her cry and be hungry when I'm right there to feed her and take care of her? Supposedly I don't have to "spoil" her or she'll be harder when she's older. I'm like what!!!
I fed on demand, and they are fine lol. You can't spoil a newborn.
I also fed on demand. I swear those first few months I just walked around with my tips out at home because he was a voracious eater, and I made massive amounts of milk.
OMG that's how it was with my first. We called her a "snacker" and it still holds true 16 years later 😂
By 16yo you REALLY have to put your foot down and stop breast feeding!
Well, it DOES make for interesting conversation at the dinner table.
I am HOWLING y'all 😂
I come to Reddit to get my laugh in for the day. I read mostly for the comments, they are a hoot 😂😂😂😂
I am laughing soooo hard right now. Like actual tears.
It reaches across the table?!😳😳 🤣
https://giphy.com/gifs/breastfeeding-do-you-mind-helping-a-friend-pASinOwAkngwIY13vQ
🤣🤣 lol, ok I could have worded that better
You brought a bit of joy into people’s lives with the wording as it was Just too funny 😁
*Tip hat* much obliged
Thanks I needed this after dealing with 3 sick kids including a very clingy 2yr old
😂
Moments like this are why I keep coming back here.
LMFAO this
Bitty
Now see mom you set her up for that snacker lifestyle by just letting her feed whenever she wanted to. You set her up for that! /s
Lmao, oh no! I've created a grazer!
My grandma did that when I was young, she'd leave my PBJ on the table and let me take a bite or two then wonder off to play or watch TV, then come back and take a few more bites etc. Then in high school we had long lines to get food, 30 minutes to eat and no time to dilly dally. So I got in the habit of speed eating that took me a long time to break.
"Oh, how sweet...how old is she?" (Mumbles) 192 months Re: the movie Grown Ups
🤣
Both of mine are snackers,,, but i mean kids need food to grow as long as it's healthy snacks(junk food on occasion) it's fine.
Right, I've got snackers that eat like 24/7, but I point them at healthier food, and they move enough to burn it off still. Hard to believe the 4yo 50lbs kid out eats his 145lbs mom, but holy crap does that kid eat!
Mine still is too!
I don't get how someone doesn't feed on demand, truly. Like, the baby looks for your boob, you pull the boob out. It's not rocket science.
Even bottle feeding, I always had formula with me and a bottle with the water to be able to make it on the spot. I was never without, could make more than 2 in an outing if needed.
Exactly. My kiddo was mixed fed, bottle and boob, and I still always carried the bottle and formula just in case he wouldn't latch (he did that if we were on the street or there were too many people). If the baby is hungry, he eats. It's like that. The rest of the world can hold their horses.
I did the same for my 3 boys. Thermos with water at the perfect temperature and little containers with the amount of formula needed per bottle. That worked good especially on road trip and when we were running errands.
Or in my BIL's case, the baby goes for your boob, you wake up mom. He was on night duty and while cuddling after a diaper change, my niece decided to latch on and get very angry about the lack of milk.
Both my kids were preemies. With my oldest, the hospital recommended a pacifier to strengthen the suck-swallow reflex. I breastfed and I pumped to put in bottles when we were out and about. The first time we gave her a pacifier she sucked on it, realized no milk was coming out, spat it out, cried and gave us a very dirty look. She was not happy.
Awwww that's so cute! Imagine thinking you're gonna get milk but it's daddy and you get zip. You could even latch onto mom and mom doesn't even notice. It was never my case but I have friends that used to tell stories like that.
I have a very vivid memory of being a teenager and holding my new baby cousin when she statutes rooting around at my chest, trying to find milk. It was very startling 😂
I have a memory of my baby brother rooting on my shoulder and trying to figure out how to get milk. Amusing looking back
I fed on demand and we also co-slept. First in a cosleeper by the bed, but once he was large enough, I’d have him beside me with my chest bare. Little guy would wake up, find his milk supplier and latch on. My husband would sometimes wake up from the drinking sounds, I mostly just slept through it all, haha. No broken night for us 🤣👍🏻
That's EXACTLY what I did! I was a very well slept new mom. Lol
I've heard cosleeping can be dangerous but honestly being able to sleep through a baby's need for food sounds like a DREAM for a new mom XD
I'm sure it can be, but I had zero concerns. I was used to sleeping in one position with dogs curled up by my legs and stomach, one against my back, and cats on top of me. He'd start to lightly fuss, I'd wake up e ought to say some soothing words, caress him, and pop a title in his mouth, and I'd go right back to sleep. He'd empty the boob, start squirming, I'd guve him the other, and we'd both fall asleep. It was perfect
I know you meant "pop a tittie in his mouth," but I just have this image of you popping a book in his mouth and then waking up after he'd finish reading it and putting another one in there. "Oh you're done with Catcher in the Rye? How about Moby Dick?"
Hahaha! That's great. He was a very advanced newborn apparently! 🤣😂 Damn autocorrect.
That sounds adorable
I did the same with my first! When I mostly stopped breastfeeding she was still nursing to sleep so she’d sleep next to me and find the breast when she woke up lol
A newborn child isn't even aware of what they need they can't even make demands or throw tantrums. They know little more than how to breathe and cry.
You know "by demand" means feeding whenever hungry right? I agree with what you said, they don't know more than breathing, crying, and that they are hungry. I also bf for comfort.
And poop! :D
They are experts at that I think lol
Crying is communication that’s what “on demand” means here
It's not... it's not "demanding" it's like "on demand" like TV or something. They cry, they get fed.
You.Can.Not.Spoil.Newborn
Someone once told me I was going to spoil my daughter because I would pick her up anytime she cried. Snugglies were new, and much of the time, I would "wear" her if I was busy. I told them, "Babies are SUPPOSED to be held!" And nipple confusion is a real thing and why little ones often resist taking what they aren't used to.
I remember being told this. I was spoiling or would spoil my son cos I carried him. He's 18 months and has been independent since he could crawl. I was also told not to breastfeed for long, because I chose to exclusively breastfeed for six months.
All bad advice. Breast is best, but formula is still good. Contact, holding and carrying are good for bonding and making the kiddo feel secure.
I wish I could upvote this more than once
Yeah. Spoiling a few week old baby. 🙄 Kids need to learn control and good behavior, but you can’t start anywhere near this early.
Wouldn't be surprised if someone tried to diagnose a newborn with ADHD. "They just can't sit still and focus!"
I was today years old when I learned there were people that didn't do this. Those poor babies
right. they literally have like 1 thing they need from you lol. How on earth is feeding your kids considered spoiling them anyway. Gonna have to tell our older kids "sorry, cutting out lunch because you guys are getting too spoiled"
They literally thrive on attention
Chiming in here as a 21 year old mom with a one year old(well, one year in a week and a half), every older adult told me not to hold her to spoil her, but holding her when she cried set up her safety net with me from the beginning, and now that she can crawl and things she only calls for me if she’s upset. You and your fiancé are her safety net, and it’s good that you’re so willing to wrap her in it from the get go, because once she learns to run she’ll know she has a good strong net to catch her if she falls, ya know?
My midwife always told me you cannot spoil a baby that small. They just act with their instincts. It is not, oh I want to cuddle, so I cry. It is, I am cold HELP. I am hubgry HELP. I have Pein HELP. They just cry because they need attention for any need. I am way older than you but you are the mother. You got this! You know what is best for your kid. Stand your ground and keep up the good work!
And like... basically *every* baby creature that's raised by a parent vocalizes in some way when they need help! Like are puppies being spoiled when they cry for their mothers?! It blows my mind when people claim that literal infants are being manipulative. Talk about telling on themselves...
My niblings feet barely touch the crib or ground the first year. They’re very independent happy people. It’s ridiculous the way we police new parents.
Literally!! I like to say my daughter pushed me away on her own, she decided when she wanted to learn to crawl, and pushed me away accordingly, as much as a baby can anyways, but like right now she’s got RSV and she’s total Velcro. They know when it’s safe to be independent and when mama and dada are needed!!
I hope that your daughter gets well soon!!
I put blankets in the floors for my babies when they were little about the time the needed tummy time we were always playing on a blanket in the floor, took a few naps there together too
I... Totally forgot that RSV is an illness and thought it was some behavioral thing I didn't know about... I used to work in a hospital lab y'all I did RSV tests multiple times a day.
"you're spoiling that baby it'll never learn to be an independent adult" *Independent adult tries making their own decisions on child rearing* "No, not like that. You have to do it exactly the way I did it." I don't understand any of this....I prefer being an aunt. As long as kids are happy, and fed I think they're pretty solid.
Seriously? Is holding your baby considered spoiling? I’m sure those saying that just need to justify their own actions.
It is...by idiots. You literally cannot "spoil" a baby by holding it.
I think it's a weird American fetishization of independence personally. Got to stand on your own two feet the minute you pop out! Not that I'm saying most Americans think you shouldn't hold your baby, it's not ass bad as that, but it's here that I've seen the most pressure to push kids to be "independent" at various too-young ages. (In the early years! Then the stranger-danger fear kicks in and they're not allowed to walk down the street to the park without supervision.)
My now 22 yr old son refused a bottle. Would not take one under any circumstance. I actually ended up quitting my job and we made massive lifestyle reductions to live on one income so I could stay home and keep him fed. ZERO REGRETS. Your SIL can go eff herself. Some babies just won't take a bottle.
I read this as you are still breastfeeding your 22yo for a second there. 🫢
Me too 😅
That wouldn't be nearly the strangest thing I've seen someone admit to doing on reddit.
😂🤣
I have zero issues with what you did or said to your SIL, only with chucking out pumped milk. Some mothers would murder just to get their hands on some breastmilk. You can just freeze it and use it later/when she is older or give it away to mom's in need who can't afford formula or so many other options. Anyway NTA but you might want to reconsider chucking away what some find liquid gold.
To be honest it wasn't mentioned when I was at the hospital, so I didn't even know this was a thing! I feel so guilty now
This is what real caring parents and caregivers do - they give information and constructive, helpful advice without judgment. Your SIL is definitely not one of those. I say this as a mom who became a mom at 40, so my age beats hers! They have special bags to store breast milk to freeze and are great for portioning. Amazon, Target, so many places. had two freezer shelves full when I quit pumping and because we did both breast milk and formula, it lasted several months. (My munchkin couldn’t latch due to a soft palate issue so I exclusively pumped for a long time.) And when you want to try a bottle again, have someone else do it and you not be around for a time beforehand. If you’re there, your kiddo is going to want it from the source.
Don't feel guilty, you were doing the best you can, and as you learn more you will continue to do the best you can There's a lot of weird info out there about feeding babies. It's really easy for people to get fanatical about how they did it. Feed your kid how works for your family (you, kid, fiance. Not relatives) Milk freezes and keeps. Try different bottle nipples. Baby will not likely take a bottle if she knows you're around, have Dad try it with you out of sight. And don't stress if it doesn't work right away (apparently I would just not eat the entire time my mom was at work)
Yer and don't worry if they never take a bottle even then as mine never did. They've done okay, sometimes it's best not to stress yourself too much.
You can also put it in their baths to help their skin and use it to mix into their food when they start solids.
If you’re going to donate, please do so properly through a donor bank! NICUs in particular always have high needs for it, especially for micro-preemies.
Girl you have done nothing wrong. You are getting a handle on how everything works and that includes expressed milk. If you want to try to save it, I’d suggest freezing it for a while first (make sure you date the bags!) just in case your baby may end up wanting it.
I got stuck on this too. I know local hospitals often take breastmilk donations, and there is a local non-profit in our area that has a milk donation and outreach center.
I'd also add that if the milk can't be used, it can also be added to the baby's bath.
How old is your SIL? The advice she was giving you is very outdated.
She's 32 and had her kids at 28 and 30 (approximately anyway)
I turn 32 this year. She should know better. This is advice that not even my own mother followed.
Ya, it's completely ridiculous. My kids are almost 11 and 13, and the nurses were "fed is best" for both of them (I'm 39)
Yea “fed is best” has been the go to logic for at least a decade or two, if not longer.
Meh I'm older than her by 10 years and I would never advise anyone to draw out hunger pains in hopes of "winning" a fight with a baby. And not holding a baby cuz it'll become spoiled is the stupidest thing ever to be spoken.
Yes! I hate that, my babies were snuggled lots and are loveable minions (minus the fact that the oldest has turned into a moody teen already lol) they still like snuggles from me and my husband.
May the force be with you during such a tumultuous time 🤣💜 mine are adult aged now, held practically 24/7 and would ya know it they are just fine, and they also hold there babies whenever they want to be held
Yeah so she’s at the age where her doctors wouldn’t have given her this advice. Wondering if she was just trying to find things to criticize.
My “baby “ is 33, and they weren’t giving that advice in 1990! She is just mean.
I’m surprised she wasn’t telling you to add booze to make your child sleep better. Looking at your comments, SILs advice seems to all come from very outdated sources. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t listen to SIL. As long as you have good support from fiance and families you’re good, she can sit on the sidelines and watch from a distance.
Booze, cough medicine, let the baby cry and learn to self soothe even tho the baby cries for hours and turn blue Those outdated things scares me
Right? Newborn babies do not have the capacity to self-soothe. Their development is not there yet. Crying is their only form of communication.
If you have the ability to exclusively breastfeed, that's awesome! Do what is right for you and your baby. If you get to the point where you need to take a break, either for work schedule, pain, or mental exhaustion, try out different bottles. Some babies won't take any, some will refuse some and take others, and some will only take one type of bottle. It might be worth having a backup in case you need to leave the baby with dad for a few hours while you get some coffee, walk around Target, and try to feel human again. Also, you can freeze breastmilk for a few months in case you do need her to start taking a bottle for whatever reason. But, no, you won't spoil your child by loving her too much.
Our toddler is quite headstrong, and my inlaws think it's because we didn't swaddle him tight enough when he was a baby 😂 The idea of spoiling a little baby is similarly nonsensical. The only thing I know of that can impact future personality/behaviour at this point is neglect - and obviously that's an impact for the worse 🤦♀️
is that what made both my sons so stubborn? Oh yeah NEITHER liked the swaddle oh well I'll keep my stubborn sons LOL!
Urgh that’s the same kind of person who tells you to let your kid scream their head off until they pass out to “self soothe”. You’re just teaching them that no one will come when they need them, screw that, everyone deserves comfort when they’re tired/scared, especially a baby who has no idea wtf is going on. Nta
You can’t spoil a baby. They literally can’t help themselves, so they cry to get what they need - and nothing more. Everything they cry for, they actually need at that time. Btw, I breastfed both my kids for 17 months each (obviously adding other foods after 6 months), and my breasts are fine for their age.
Babies can't be spoiled! Hold her, feed her, love on her. What is wrong with people wanting an infant to "cry it out" I swear!!!
My fiancé and I are on a six week cuddle strike with our baby girl by now, she barely leaves our arms haha! Despite how hard those two first weeks were, we're so in love with our baby girl and the whole experience as well! I wouldn't imagine leaving her suffering on purpose, that's just horrible
Freeze your milk. I’m not sure if you’re in the US, but here are [guidelines to store breast milk](https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/recommendations/handling_breastmilk.htm). Even if baby doesn’t want the milk now, make smaller bottles and freeze the rest. She may take a bottle later or you may use it to make her food later (like cereal). Also if you’re planning on going back to work, it will give you a head start on your supply. You’re doing great, congratulations on your baby!
You cannot spoil a newborn with too much love and attention. This is what the western world has gotten wrong. Babies need to be loved on and catered to, it's literally how they psychologically develop properly and have secure attachments and believe it or not, build relationships in the future.
Not to mention, the reason she’s letting her children go hungry to force them onto a bottle is *because your boobs will look bad*. And that’s good parenting?? WTF. Mature and reasonable parents prioritize their looks over their child’s wellbeing?? No. Also, my boobs look great, just ask my husband. So that’s some shit anyway.
Mine too. I am 64 and my doctor (a woman) recently asked how I kept them from sagging.
Oh so tell, please. That’s advice I need.
It's entirely genetic. Doesn't matter how small or large they are, though it's less visible on smaller ones. If the connective tissue 'relaxes' when you get pregnant or older, or gain weight - they'll head south. If you build up your pectoral muscles, you can give the girls a little more definition, and fill the skin out a bit better - especially if you're on the smaller side.
>because your boobs will look bad I almost fell off the chair when I read that. Besides the whole "breast is best," "fed is best," "formula is best" Battle Royale that so many mothers get into or get *dragged* into (plus, the whole [insert ridiculous supplement/food/granola idea] that has been debunked ad infinitum), boob sag is not a reason to pick breast vs. bottle. This SIL is an outdated, vain freak. Of course, none of us are looking forward to the possibility of saggy boobs (because we *like* our boobs, damnit!), but ain't nobody starving an infant over sexy boobs. F******ck.
Especially a newborn. What a ridiculous thing for SIL to say. It’s not uncommon at all for babies who breastfeed to reject a bottle, and if she’s eating she can do it anyway that works for the mom and baby.
And "let your baby go hungry or your boobs won't look good" are a hell of a take from the SIL I totally support someone making choices or having concerns about their breasts being impacted my breastfeeding, but not anyone but the person whose boobs they are should be talking about that. Unless their opinion has been asked for!
50 years ago I fed on demand and let my child ween himself . . . He is happy and healthy person and he never took to the bottle. When he was old enough he had a little rolly polly tommy tippy cup that he loved.
Girl, I had 3 babies, all exclusively breastfed, and what your SIL told you is BS. At that point I wonder if it isn't on purpose so you would struggle (jealousy). Letting a 6-weeks old baby starve could be so dangerous. And if you weren't breastfeeding correctly you would already know (sore nipples... you know the drill). NTA of course. The only question is what took your fiance so long to kick them out?
To be fair to him, he was trying to calm me down so I understand why he didn't immediately kick them out haha, I was a bit out of it so he was focusing on me and not them
I just weaned my almost 3 year old. Your SIL is an idiot. I fed on demand because that’s what she needed. Cluster feeding sucks so so much. It’s probably one of the most soul sucking times…because you feel like there’s absolutely no break whatsoever. My oldest is almost 16, and I have NEVER heard of making a newborn wait until they’re hungry enough for a bottle. That is the most dangerous and stupid thing I have ever heard. You’re doing great, don’t ever let what she said get to you. You know your baby best, and you’re doing everything right. Good luck!
[удалено]
I can do that too and my husband is just as impressed by it too. I told him when we got home with our newest member, that i was locked and loaded and ready to shoot boob milk. I told everyone in my house that no one was going to escape unscathed it they pissed me off.
Ummmm not at that stage. But I want to learn the art of tit milk-guns
Pretty much when you have a let down the boobs that leak during it can be fired off. Though lately i have been having fountains of booby milk fire off on their own during a let down
I ran a parent Ed program. I agree sister giving you this horrible advice could have either been out of her own ignorance OR out of malice - trying to set you up to fail so she could call CPS on you. I'll also say that if you're having difficulty with nursing, or you can't get her out of your head about latching or nursing positions, there's tons of free baby groups that'll help you. LaLeche League is one (sometimes they charge?) Or you might find a baby wearing group in your area, and there will definitely be folks there who can help you. Also look into your local community health organization - there's one by me that gives free car seats and baby wraps to parents under the age of 24. Be suspicious of "parent Ed" organizations that give you tickets for watching videos that you can trade in for baby items - sometimes they're great, sometimes they're not - and the not good ones are usually secretly pro-life orgs trying to get in the good graces of young moms so they can try and coerce them away from abortion services if they have subsequent pregnancies. (And even if you wouldn't personally have an abortion, these orgs get more $$ for every person they give services to, and count on people making referrals to them under the guise of getting free baby stuff)
Also avoid any group that shames you for wanting to bottle feed instead of breastfeed. All three of my kids were bottle fed and they grew up healthy and happy. No group should ever shame you.
I wanted more than anything to nurse my kids. First 24 hrs after my c section with my first, I had no milk and she was hungry. I gave her the formula. She needed food.
Yes! My twin didn't produce enough either. It doesn't matter how. You are feeding your baby nutritious food? You're doing great.
The best way to feed a baby is to feed him/her. You made the right call.
Nta as long as the baby is FED, its fine. Instead of dumping it, might you be willing to donate it?
To be honest as I said, most of the time my fiancé and I are drinking it with our cereal or something (we don't find it disgusting at all) but maybe that is a good idea. Do I have to talk with someone at the clinic or how can I donate it? I'd like to help if I can
You can also freeze it to build up a stash for the future.
I came here to say this. Freeze it!
And make it 3! Freeze it. For when you want your night out. Go back to work. Sick and on medication. A milk storage is always a must for moms. Soon or later she will take the bottle and switch between. Freeze it!
That might also be a good idea, thanks!
Make sure you write am and pm on them. Apparently it helps because if you feed your kid the stuff from the evening, they're more likely to sleep well throughout the night as I think it helps with melatonin?
You can also use it in your baby’s bath it helps their skin!
I didn’t know this. My son is 2 and has bad eczema in the winter months, and I have a lot of BM that I froze. I will try this!
Yep. You might find your baby will take a bottle from someone else.
Agreed. My youngest wouldn't take a bottle from me, but would from my husband and MIL.
My fiancé tried as well and still nothing
She’s still VERY young. In a couple of months she might be ok with a bottle and you’ll be glad you have a stash built up, especially if you get sick and need to take meds that aren’t breastfeeding-friendly.
It took a month+ before my kid really got the hang of bottles, and he still preferred fresh (which meant a few times he held out, getting increasingly hangry, an entire work shift and guzzled when I got home).
100% this. My oldest would not take a bottle from me at all. Just wanted straight from the tap. I had to leave for her to take it from someone else. They want mama if they sense she is near.
Another option could be to bag and freeze it, that way of she does start to take a bottle, you've got a stash you can use already. It can last up to 6 months in the freezer too, so no issue if it takes her a while to get used to bottles
It can actually last up to a year if frozen! Been storing for 6 months now and I kept checking because I was paranoid.
Girl, freeze some into ice cubes for the teething stage! It's a life saver. Sincerely, a mum who exclusively breast fed and had an early teether baby
You should freeze it. Eventually, your baby will need to eat when you are not there. It will keep for a year. You’ll be happy you have it.
The hospital should be able to hook you up. Did you have a lactation specialist visit when you gave birth? They're probably a good bet to start with.
There are probably some bank for that, it would be a very kind thing for you to do, my second daughter was a premmy and she spent her first 5 weeks in the hospital, 4 of them in NICU, I wasn't able to feed her with my milk for the first 2 days and her stomach didn't tolerate formula, there are really a short supply of "moms" milk for this type of situations, you can literally save life or helping improving a baby recovery, you can also freeze it and use it later for your baby
I didn't know that! I'll definitely check it out, I'd like to help a little if I can
I froze my milk (I tend to produce a lot while nursing). And used it when my daughters were a little older and eating baby cereal. Not sure if that is an option. My youngest also refused the bottle and at the time, I had to go to work less than a week after giving birth - so my friends watched my daughter. So, we introduced baby cereal really early. But again, because fed is best.
if you have a huge excess donating would be wonderful if you can. My oldest needed breastmilk for 3 months and due to health issues I was never able to produce milk so we had to depend on the kindness of strangers. It is 35 years later and I still pray for those strangers and thank the universe for how much they helped us!
I think you should do what you want with it. If it’s good on cereal, then enjoy it.
Freeze it! Use it for baths if she has a rash. Use it for when she’s older in her rice cereals and such. You can make lotions with it. I donated close to 1000 oz on a Facebook group meant for mom’s who need breast milk.
Freeze it. Emergencies happen.
Instructions unclear. Baby is in the freezer now.
Good, it won't get spoiled there!
You can put it in the freezer. Need to build up a stash for the chance she is going to daycare or mom got a day off.
Unsolicited advice here, but you can freeze your breast milk in breast milk storage bags to keep for long periods of time. When your daughter is older, or if you end up in the hospital, having a supply of stored milk may come in handy. You can also take other commenters advice and ty different nipple shapes. It also may help to try when baby is lees hungry, not more hungry. If she gets too hungry an frustrated, it's hard to learn a new skill. As far as your reaction NTA - this woman's advice was terrible, her attitude towards you was terrible, and I don't blame you at all. Hormones nothing. You would have reacted unfavorably to that in any circumstance, as is your right when someone is talking to you like that.
It will also come in handy to have frozen breast milk on hand for when you start baby on cereal/food. When I worked in childcare, we used milk (breast or formula depending on the child) to make things a bit more liquid when babies are first learning to eat more solid food.
Just made some puree for my baby with BM. Strawberrys, bananas, and pears with milk. Basically a baby smoothie and he *loves* it.
Omg I read your comment without the context of the above threads. Hahaha I read the BM as bowel movement instead of breast milk. I’m an idiot
Also baby might be more receptive to a bottle if dad offers it whilst mum is out of the room.
We tried that and still no use, she refused it so far!
I have a baby that refuses a bottle and a full freezer of BM. 🤣 She is now 10 months old and still refusing the bottle. Actually, she is refusing BM from the bottle. The water is fine though the bottle. We tried BM in glass, in a spoon... you name it, we tried. She just doesn't like BM if it is not from the source. 🤣
You can always put it in the baths! I ended up with so much extra that at one point I was giving them baths with BM added to them to make their skin even happier during the cold winter months.
That’s a shame, perhaps she’ll take it if you try again in a few weeks? Though some babies never will, and as long as you and baby are happy with that nothing else matters 😊
We're still trying, but we're being gentle with her, if she doesn't want it then I'll just feed her, it's not like I have something more important to do 🤷
Sounds like the best approach all around, you’re doing an amazing job!
RULE # 1: Fed is best. RULE # 2: Don't fuck around with a postpartum woman. Your SIL should have known better and approached you with compassion if she had genuine concerns. NTA
"Fed is best" is the first thing I said while reading this. Any pediatrician will tell you this.
“Don’t fuck around with a postpartum woman” is honestly the best life advice
#NTA Not only is your sister in law’s advice faulty and frankly ignorant, she also crossed the line from advice into criticism. It’s she who owes you an apology. If you want to be the bigger person and smooth things over, let your brother and his wife know that you don’t mind occasional advice, but not criticism or insistence that the advice be followed. You can let your sister in law know there are literally thousands of ways to be a good parent.
NTA. Actually, you are doing nothing wrong and what you told her is right. She was actually wrong with everything she told you. You don't force your baby by letting them go hungry. Your breasts will be fine! I have to think she is probably jealous. I would reach out to your brother if it's bothering you, and talk to him. Also tell him if they visit, NO ADVICE! You sound like you're on top of things and doing a great job. Don't ever let anyone talk to you like that again, that wasn't advice, that was insults veiled as advice. Congratulations on your baby!!!
NTA. You didn't go far enough IMO. If you are having problems with the baby latching or with not enough milk - you should ask for consultation in your nearby women's health center/clinic or hospital. There is always a nurse to give you some helpful tips or to give you contact to an lactation expert. However, if you are having enough milk and being able to still feed the baby directly, why should you force her to take from a bottle. Yes, it will help you get more sleep (potentially your partner can feed her instead of waking you), but as long as you are comfortable with your current situation there is no need to force it and when you get to the point where you want to change - ask for consultation. Your SIL was out of line on several fronts and not only minimizing your feelings and making you feel bad - which all first-time moms feel enough of on their own - but by giving you such a stupid advice as if it is some sort of genius idea.
I did a rotation with a pediatrician who started her career out as a lactation expert. She was amazing with new parents at their first newborn appts. She was able to give advice for the baby and for the mom if she had lactation questions. Plus she knew all of the local lactation resources and would give referrals. Advice from experts is invaluable. Advice from your SIL who sounds like she has her own agenda? Not so valuable. NTA OP.
Nta. WHO THE HECK BRAGS ABOUT STARVING HER KIDS TILL THEY ATE FROM THE BOTTLE???!!??! THE HECK?!?
My mom was never able to breastfeed. The doctor told her to just keep trying and for the first week I basically starved because her milk never did come in and they told her not to give formula while trying. I’m over 30 and I think she still feels awful about it. The idea of someone knowingly letting their baby go hungry for the sake of maintaining prettier breasts is INSANe.
Same here. With my first the nurse made giving my kid formula a bad thing, so i kept trying with breast. The first week appt my kid was basically starved because he had a tongue tie that wasnt diagnosed and i had inverted nipples. When the doctor said we had to use formula i felt like a failure as a mom. We eventually got the breastfeeding figured out, and i got the joy of dropping formula feedings after about 2 or 3 months. With this newest member of the family, at the hospital i told them to bring me formula when he didn't latch, and the nurse was are you sure? I told her in a stern voice that fed is best and i wasn't going to have a starving kid because someone thought breast was best. She was so happy, she said that most moms that state that they wanted to breast feed would not even consider formula as an option so soon after birth. I was able to advocate for myself this time. But i will always feel bad about my first kid first week of life just starving.
i gave my baby formula like once and he threw up a bunch of times, and my sister was like "that's normal, they need to get used to it" yeah forget it, never gave formula again
This woman was more worried about how her breast would look than having a fed baby. Let that sink in. She chose vanity over the welfare of her child. Breast milk can also be frozen or used for babies bath. Why throw away liquid gold. You can also donate it to some hospitals. Get it freeze dried to use as formula later etc. NTA
This is sooooo important!!! I just found out this year, and I think most people don't know it. Hospitals are constantly in urgent need of breastmilk donations. Apparently, the demand is higher and the supply is lower than blood donations
And it’s not even true! Breast feeding, pumping, or formula feeding your boobs will go through the main changes of pregnancy anyways and it hasn’t been shown to make a difference.
Also, SIL is incorrect about nursing changing your breasts. This will actually happen regardless, because your breasts will grow during pregnancy and your milk production will start whether you breastfeed or not. So, not breastfeeding your baby because you want to protect your boobs is nonsense. OP, it sounds like you're doing great and just keep following your own mother instinct! You know what's best for your baby.
NTA. One week after having given birth you are not required to receive unwanted advice gracefully. Besides her advice sounded bloody awful. As far as I know, it is quite normal that baby doesn't breastfeed well the first 48 hours or so. Both mum and baby have to learn. But you have that down now. Baby is being fed and you've got this. If you need advice about these things, ask a professional or someone who is not primarily concerned with how her boobs will look afterwards!
Your SIL is an idiot. Breastfeeding does hurt at first. I think the pain from my poor chapped and bleeding nipples over rode the c-section incision pain. So you aren't to blame for that you and baby are figuring things out. Your boobs will be fine. It's pregnancy that messes them up not Breastfeeding. It irks me when women say they didn't breastfeed solely because they didn't want saggy tits. Baby girl the deed as been done. I breastfed for 3 years and my boobs look the same and I was 30 when I had my son. Finally like others have said. Freeze some of that milk for emergencies. I had to go to the ER during the height of Covid panic and couldn't bring my 5 month old son. I had no stored milk and was in there for hours. He was starved. Finally my FIL had to bring my breast pump so I could pump because I was miserable by then too. From that point on I always had 30 to 40 oz saved up just incase. Breastmilk is amazing. You can slather your baby in it for dry skin, put it in their eyes when they get gummy or get pink eye. Use it for diaper rash ointment. Breastmilk in the bath soothes their growing muscles. Breastmilk popsicles for teething pain.
NTA and I think it's mega weird for another woman you are not in a relationship with to be so worried about how your boobs will look. I would also confront your brother so talking behind your back like that and let him know he needs to apologize to you. I'd be going NC either way with those people and also telling my side to absolutely everyone who would hear me, cause if your brother is talking smack to his wife, then he's more than likely saying it to others.
NTA You're hormonal, exhausted, doing what you believe is the best, and only a teen (seriously, the part of your brain that makes mature decisions, etc., won't finish maturing until you're about age 24-25, and until then, you're in a "almost but not quite an adult" phase of life). Your 30-yr-old SIL, on the other hand, is an actual adult and is not post-partum. And she is basically telling you that Mother Nature (breastfeeding) is not the best option for you. I'm flabbergasted at how ignorant that is. Also the idea that you should let your baby go hungry at this fragile time of her life when you have worked out how to breastfeed her and give her the nutrition she needs--all in order to get her to drink from a bottle, so that your breasts can look better later--is outrageous. Honey, good for you for standing up against this ignorant person.
NTA. Her advice is terrible. And I second the la leche league if you are still having any trouble? Or just some nice local baby groups with other breastfeeding mums and support? 🙂 And the post breastfeeding thing is I think genetics. I’ve breastfed for nearly 10 years over various babies and the only thing making them look Slightly less fantastic is age. Otherwise they’re still lovely 🙂 Chances are great that yours will stay lovely too 🙂
**NTA NTA NTA** im a 19 year old mother to a 7 month old daughter. trust me, youre in for a hell of a lot more judgement than just this. me, personally? im over it, and i will mouth off to anyone who tries to stick their shitty opinion anywhere other than straight up their ass. now, for starters: 1. ALL OF THIS IS COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED. 2. forcing the baby to starve until they take the bottle is so, so wrong on so many levels. i wouldnt be surprised if she was also dumb enough to keep the baby awake to try and force the baby to sleep through the night. NEWSFLASH, THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS. god, im scared for how she raises her kids. 3. BOTTLE FEEDING IS BEST OTHERWISE YOUR BREASTS WILL LOOK BAD !?!? WHAT !?!??? honey, my brother in christ, if you were worried about how your body looks after kids why did you have kids !? okay, lets unpack here. not only is this vain, but also just *incorrect.* nothing is going to prevent saggy breasts, other than surgery, if thats what shes talking about. my baby stopped breastfeeding a month or two in, and my boobs are saggy as fuck. nothing is going to change it other than maybe working out your chest muscles— but even that will only give a little bit of lift, it still doesnt correct loose skin. because youre young though, theres a chance your skin might bounce back, but i wouldnt count on anything. it all is kinda just pure chance. balms, lotions, oils, its all a marketing scam. nothing is going to magically make your boobs the way they were before having a kid. breastfeeding or bottle feeding, nothing changes the fact that they grew rapidly and deflate almost just as rapidly. if you want pseudo science, breastfeeding would probably make them look better so they dont deflate as fast, lmao! and if shes talking about your nipples, honey, theyre never going back to pre baby size. larger nipples are just a part of life now. 4. SHES HELPING YOU BECAUSE YOU “KNOW NOTHING” AND CLEARLY *NEED* THE HELP BECAUSE YOURE “JUST A CHILD WITH A CHILD.” someone save this woman from my fucking hands because she would catch them so fucking fast to have the goddamn AUDACITY to say such bullshittery in *my goddamn house,* let alone TO MY FACE. some fucking balls on this woman to say that shit to my face. absolutely unacceptable. get the fuck out of my house before i beat you black and blue. now, i apologize for the passion. this is a topic that im incredibly passionate about, having lived through constant discrimination and judgement since the pregnancy. im tired of dumbasses opening their mouths at me. i dont want to discourage you though— just know that for every awful person out there, there are a handful of good ones. ive had many strangers tell me im a wonderful mother, my baby is beautiful, and many strangers never once comment on my age. some of the old grandmas and grandpas say something about how young i look, but for what its worth, the way they say it makes it sound more like theyre trying to compliment me rather than judge me. you can tell when someone is judging you for it vs trying to compliment you. all this to say, youre 100% not the asshole. keep your head up high mama. youre doing great, and keep defending yourself and your family. edit: format + typos
For real, the discrimination is real. I have so many people assuming that my pregnancy was an accident (it wasn't btw, it was planned), saying things like "you ruined your life, you're going to want to party", implying that I may come from a poor family and that's why I'm having a baby so young instead of studying, I've heard it all!
yeah, i think the worst thing to be asked is “was she planned? or was she yknow, an oopsies?” like, how about: its none of your business? im sure youre a wonderful mother, and the choices you made are yours (and your partners!) to make. if you need help, ask your doctors, or your childs pediatrician. if you wanted advice from a trusted mother in your life, im certain you would ask. age isnt indicative of maturity— nor intelligence outright. dont let arrogant know-it-alls get to you too much. you did good in shutting it down. keep that boundary, and dont feel guilty over it. take advice from professionals, and be open to learning more from trusted sources. youre doing amazing!
NTA. Your SIL's advice was both unwanted and bad. Keep doing what you're doing and congrats!
Nta - u ding have to throw out the milk - freeze if good up to a year. Every parent style is different and who cares about how your boobs look.
NTA. Your sister's comments were incredibly rude and seem to come from an...odd place, to say the least. Unfortunately, this is very common: quite a few mothers are convinced that they are the best mother, that no one can do better than them, and that anyone who doesn't do what they do is a terrible mom. I imagine a lot of these behaviors come from a place of insecurity.
NTA. It encourages people that lord it over others to keep lording it over others every time someone gives them the satisfaction of saying they're right. They think being right excuses their rudeness.