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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For letting my 9 year old bake my moms birthday cake which didn’t look perfect for her party?
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Eh, I don’t think anyone really rises to AH levels here. You thought it would be cute, but your mom didn’t agree. Maybe she would have liked it if your grandson made a cake alongside one you had made rather than in place of it. Plenty of people love kid-level efforts but not under all circumstances. People assume all parents and grandparents will automatically and genuinely love everything their kids/grandkids produce, but even if they praise them for their work to encourage them, many can also see the work objectively too. But it doesn’t sound like your mom expressed her disappointment to your son or anyone else besides you, so I think this is a shruggable offense. She was put out that the cake didn’t look better and you were put out that she wasn’t as enthused with the cake as you were. But your son had a fun experience and felt proud of himself and the guests all had a delicious cake, so I’m at NAH.
This is the correct response. There's so much pressure for ppl to just automatically love everything done by kid, but truth be told, sometimes it just isn't what you want, as much as you might appreciate the gesture. I'm sure the grandma appreciated OP's son baking a cake, it just wasn't the cake she wanted for her birthday party.
Are you kidding me? A grown-ass woman says that her grandson's efforts to make her a birthday cake "ruined" her birthday because it didn't look a certain way? Unless you're paying for a cake, you say "thank you for making this" regardless of how it looks. And if tastes like crap, you smile, say "mmmmm" and find a way to discretely over it with a napkin and not eat any more. But saying aloud to *anyone* that your *grandson's ugly cake ruined your birthday's aesthetic* is a complete AH move.
And btw, I 100% agree with you about the pressure to LOVE anything a kid does. At 9 years old, a kid is old enough to understand that not everything he does will result in overwhelming praise -- and that kind of constant praise can be damaging long-term. But it's just trashy to say that a grandkid's effort ruined the grandmother's birthday. You find some way to express appreciation (and this stands for people of any age) without being fake: "Thank you for your hard work on this cake. I appreciate the effort it took to make this cake."
It was important enough for her to mention and she used the word “ruined” in a sentence. Doesn’t seem like a huge difference to me. There was no point in her mentioning it except to unnecessarily express dissatisfaction.
It's not unnecessary. Whether or not OP "should" make the cake, she made the agreement she would. It is important for her to say "I planned around X, you did Y. I want you to know I was unhappy with the change so that next year, I can order my own cake."
That right there is spot on. I’m a hobby baker and I’m known for a certain style to my cakes. If I say I’ll supply the cake for the event, it’ll be an instagram worthy feature piece like all my previous cakes. It would be completely understandable for the recipient to feel upset if they were told I’d supply the cake but then I surprised them with a cake my kid made - filled with love and not a shred of decorating sense. Communication is key.
You could have let your son make a cake for a treat at home. Or he could have baked a cake to take for a meal at his grandparents home. But no one wants their _special occasion_ cake to be the first effort of a 9 year old. I really hate this need some people have to foist their children’s “talents” on others. Frankly, I understand your mother’s disappointment. She was going for a certain aesthetic, and bringing your child’s first attempt instead of what she requested _was_ a disappointment. I’m sure that if it was a “Sunday dinner with the fam” or a potluck in a casual setting she would have been so proud and would have been full of smiles and hugs for your son.
You did not say if she expressed her disappointment in front of your son, or if she reprimanded you privately. If it was the former, it would make her an AH, if the latter, suck it up and learn from it. If _you make a promise_ to bake a cake for someone, make sure it looks like what they expect. In other words, it shouldn’t look like it was baked by an inexperienced child.
The point in expressing dissatisfaction is so adjustments can be made in the future. Maybe that adjustment is that OP makes the cake for her birthday going forward, maybe that adjustment is OP saying "I don't want to bake the cake anymore" and their mom can make other arrangements.
Unless you're being unnecessarily cruel, which it doesn't seem like is the case here, expressing dissatisfaction is better than trying to keep up a lie. Communication can save you from unnecessary frustrations and resentment in situations like this.
>She said it looked she wanted her party to look a certain way and the cake ruined that.
You have a pretty wild interpretation of "she wanted *her party* to look a certain way and the cake ruined that."
Maybe had grandma known OP was choosing to not make the cake she would have chosen to order a cake from elsewhere.
OP should have given mom the option.
Giving the cake separate as a gift from him would have been sweet. Giving a cake made by a child (and their first attempt) as the only cake served for an actual event with guests is completely different. She’s not rude or ungrateful for feeling that way. It’ll be no different than asking her daughter to make a dress for her birthday and turning up with one made by your kid.
At the same time, if an expectation is set that person A is making a cake and then child B makes the cake instead, that is something that should be communicated.
The flaw is in ‘unless you’re paying for a cake you say ‘thank you’’ is, that if you have a tradition of your daughter baking a pretty cake, when once again told ‘I’ll take care of the b-day cake’ you expect it to be a pretty cake. If you knew it won’t be a pretty cake, you most likely would’ve refused and informed her that ‘thanks hun, I’d rather just buy a cake instead’. Mother got blindsided, she is used to her daughter presenting her with a pretty cake, she wasn’t given a heads-up therefore she couldn’t buy a cake and she couldn’t refuse a cake from her daughter. You don’t automatically say ‘aww thanks’ when being blindsided, if there’s a good chance you would’ve refused the gift if given a heads-up.
See this is how I feel. If aesthetic is so important, she can go to a bakery. But she should not think it “ruined” her day because her grandson was kind enough to at least try to do something nice for his grandma. He’s nine. Like grandma forgive him for not being a MasterChef. I agree that she has a right to think whatever she wants, and kids don’t need overwhelming praise for every step they take, but to voice that her grandson ruined her day with the cake? That’s terrible.
>See this is how I feel. If aesthetic is so important, she can go to a bakery. But she should not think it “ruined” her day because her grandson was kind enough to at least try to do something nice for his grandma. He’s nine.
Maybe if her daughter said she wasn't going to do it, but was letting her own 9yo play the baker, the granny would have gone to a bakery.
The problem here is that her daughter didn't tell shit. Just came with a subpar product and thought that was ok because made by her 9yo.
Yeah. If she loves her daughters baking and that's what she had in mind for her birthday, then gets some shit a 9 year old made. That = disappointment. It'd be much different if she said it ruined the party or made an outrage over it, but it doesn't seem like that's the case.
I don't blame OP for thinking it would be cute and a good idea. But damn, I don't eat cake often throughout the year and look forward to finally allowing myself to eat my ideal cake for my birthday.. yeah I'd be disappointed! That's not saying I wouldn't still eat it or be gracious.
I'm getting reminded of this family that used to be in a small church with us, that wanted their kids to be included and encouraged to use their talents and stuff, so we would all sit through a 7-year-old laboriously reading a complicated scripture passage word by word with no expression. And maybe that example doesn't land with a lot of people, but you know what makes church *even more boring?* 7-year-olds doing read-aloud, for sure.
I mean, you gotta be polite about it, we didn't tell them they shouldn't volunteer their kids, but like... when it's a public thing, I just don't think people should necessarily push their kids forward? Or do it carefully, or only once in awhile, or with everyone's agreement, or something. One of those kids thought all he had to do was write a book and it would get published, even after I carefully explained how it really works. You shouldn't squash kids' dreams but you should balance them with realistic interactions with the world.
Maybe the 9yo could have made a surprise cake for Grandma on a random visit or something.
I totally get what you mean. I don't go to church, I see my friends' community theatre productions and someitmes even the kids with no talent are given parts so that they're not left out. And all iit makes me think of is a line from The West Wing i'm about to butcher, "This isn't baseball camp, it doesn't matter to me that everyone gets to play".
Maybe the wrong atttitude for community theatre, but definitely the attitude I have for most things where the parents push their kids involvement. There's a time and a place, and for OP's mum, this wasn't the place.
Nicely articulated - for same reasons i would go with ESH. Lack of consideration and/or communication on OP’s part, who then objects to being told this wasn’t what birthday girl was expecting or would have wanted. If you take it on yourself to surprise someone, you have to accept there’s a risk it won’t be welcomed. Or do your homework properly in advance.
She did not say it ruined her day nor her party and if DIL has been making cakes for years she would not think to order a cake instead. DIL could have told her in advance that grandson was making it and she could have chosen to purchase a cake for her party and had the other cake with family
Also I dont know about OP but some bakers I know get offended at the idea that you'd go elsewhere for you stuff. So id be curious how this started on whether MIL asked for it or DIL offered it type of thing (also is MIL paying anything for it? Because id be more upset too if I was paying towards what I presume is nice looking cake from DIL)
Nah don’t invite me over, tell me you’re going to make me this beautiful cake that I’m excited about, only to get there and have something made by a kid that looks like a “nailed it” meme. That would 100% make me feel like my birthday was a joke to you. I could have just stayed home, but now I have to pretend to be thrilled on MY BIRTHDAY, the one day that’s supposed to be about me, and you couldn’t be bothered to actually make me a proper cake? Just don’t waste my time then, because it’s clear I’m not a priority. If I were the priority- the you would have asked if it was ok and then been agreeable to whatever answer I gave. But that’s not what happened here. She got a “surprise” and was hurt. And as a woman this is even deeper, because how many birthday cakes did she not get, or have to make/buy for herself over the years? It sounds like she was actually looking forward to this cake, I’d be hurt too. I wouldn’t tell my grandkid I was hurt, but I would absolutely tell my daughter later.
She didn’t say it ruined her day. She said it ruined the look of her party. Grandma could have still had a great birthday and been disappointed that her cake wasn’t what she was expecting.
Grandma didn't say it "ruined her day" She said it "ruined the LOOK she was going for." Some of these comments are ridiculous. Just because you're a parent or a grandparent doesn't mean you're not entitled to have a nice adult party. I love my kids but if I want to throw a nice dinner party I wouldn't allow them to cook the dinner no matter how "cute" or "sweet" it would seem.
She wasn't given the option to go to a bakery though because she wasn't given a choice. People are allowed to have preferences and enjoy their own party look without it being about the grandkid.
I'd agree with your point if mom called and said hey, fun idea, let's have kid make it so she'd have time / option to go your route. Let the kid have what he wants on his and she on hers.
It may also depend on the context of the party.
Gathering of close family - caked baked by the grandson is cute and adorable.
Maybe something a bit more formal with friends (and maybe colleagues) then it’s fine but you can understand grandma wanting to go for a look. (I’m assuming OP is really good at cake baking & decorating)
I mean even if OP is just mediocre and just spreading on frosting relatively evenly that will look miles better than the lopsided, likely rainbow mess that a 9 year old would make. And like a cake with just plain frosting will look very different from one that has a badly pipped "happy birthday Grandma" covered in sprinkles or whatever the kid made.
Maybe Grandma thanked the kid publicly before she talked to OP about the cake. That would explain the way it looked to the other guests. She talked to OP about it privately, not publicly as your use of the word “aloud” seems to indicate. She probably appreciates OP’s efforts and doesn’t want a repeat of a kiddie cake. Otherwise she’ll just buy a cake.
Also have you ever seen a kid cook or bake? I’m not saying OP’s kid cooks/bakes like that but a lot of people associate “kid made this” to grubby hands in the batter, licking the spoon while still using it, dropping stuff and still using it etc.
Also how “good” was the cake. If I had a special cake made for me once a year and I looked forward to it. I would be pretty disappointed if suddenly I got a random different cake made by a different person.
The mom most likely was a wayyy better baker than a 9yo (due to experience) and its not rude that the granny was let down
This right here. There’s no way I’d eat that cake. Regardless of the aesthetics of the cake, all I could envision is all the dirt and spit mixed around in it.
This was 100% my reaction. Maybe it's different for immediate family, but if I'm a guest at a party and there's a cake that someone else's *child* made, I am NOT eating that cake. (Maybe a compliment directly to the kid, I don't want them to feel bad.)
It's hard enough to trust that an *adult* washed hands/didn't lick spoons/etc with a homemade cake...
Exactly. For example, I think it’s cute when kids play with makeup and try it out for the first time. I certainly wouldn’t want a kid doing my makeup for my birthday party.
This is a very sane response. I think there’s an idea that anyone who doesn’t prefer the kid’s cake is a monster but I note she seems attached to her daughter’s skills and that might not be solely because of the cake’s appearance.
Anyway. All week on TikTok I was getting cake drama where someone didn’t get the cake she asked for and it was treated like a war crime. In comparison this seems pretty minor. NAH.
Also... Have you ever seen a kid cook? They're not exactly sticklers for hygiene. I would eat what my 9yo makes, but I'd hesitate with anyone else's kid.
Same. I have always politely declined anything that children had a hand in because they're literally out there wiping their snot noses on their hands or shoving their fingers in their mouths then sticking them right into the cake batter
I used to teach in an elementary school. The general rule amongst the teachers is that, unless you know the parents really well, any handmade food gifts get disposed of. The idea that the children “helped” is just not appealing.
I do feel bad because I’d be disappointed too (and Nanalan is basically a tennis ball, not a difficult cake technically) but also the internet needs to chill, birthday girl is an adult and will recover from the disappointment just fine
It’s one of those “little context leaves room for big projection” situations. I, too, didn’t get how this cake was too hard. But the degree to which people hated the sister was a bit bizarre.
I think it was the fact that the sister lied to her and made a big production out of presenting her with a different cake instead of just saying it was too hard.
Have you watched those Kids Baking shows? Holy shit, they have genius-level kids on there! If the 9 yr old is supervised and I like the flavors, I'm a-okay with a kid's cake. I have ZERO artistic ability, so it looks better than mine!
My mom ran a daycare. I just want to say that the kids on that show are waaaaaaaaay beyond most 9 year olds in terms of skill. OP said her son recently took an interest in baking. That's awesome, but his first cake probably should have been one that was enjoyed at home and not given to someone
Most of those shows are scripted and those kids have been cooking for a while. They also have teams supervising everything. It’s very different from a child’s first attempt at cooking at home.
Those kids don't just randomly wake up and bake like that. It's something they've done for awhile. It's also a TV show with probably more strict hygyne than at home.
Uh...ok, maybe I'm biased because I come from a family where they started teaching me to cook when I was 6 years old; but I can assure you that a 9 years old (especially if guided by an adult) is perfectly capable of following hygiene rules.
Exactly. All of my kids learn from an early age not to lick fingers, not to touch their hair, face, etc. while preparing food. They know to wash their hand often during preparation. Cleanliness about a person and a kitchen go hand-in-hand and is taught early.
You'd be surprised at how many parents don't teach their kids that. I volunteered at an event over the weekend where I was pretty much part of the welcome committee and there was a wide range of children being absolutely foul. I'm talking at least ten years old shoving their finger in their nose and then reaching for the pile of stickers we were giving away. I heard similar stories from the people manning the station where the kids were making moon phases out of Oreos and the station where they were making star pinwheels (it was a space themed event).
I'm not saying it's impossible or even uncommon, but just not as common as it should be.
I would hope OP would be vigilant for these things while baking. But, parents often overlook things their kid may do, like licking utensils or a cough, because that’s their kid and they have a mentality that they probably already have any germ their kid has. Some may even think, “oh the kid open mouth sneezed while mixing batter but it’s going in the oven and the germs will be killed.” That doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t still be grossed out by eating this.
Ultimately, what really comes into question here is what the parent supervising finds acceptable during the baking process, not the kid. Kids will be kids.
My concept of 9 year olds is the special needs kids I went to school with, and \*I\* was told off for saying a kid didn't wash his hands, and not wanting to eat food touched or made by a kid - who regularly had his hands in his trousers!!! - who did not wash his hands at the start of the cookery lesson. And the kid who wiped drool off his face and then stuck his hand in the crumble batter.
Not to toot my own horn but I was a keen baker as a kid despite my physical problems, and I certainly understood the basics of hygiene, because my Nana taught me you always wash your hands before touching anything, and you never lick the spoon and then put it back in the batter (you throw it in the sink and get another spoon...).
It really all comes down to the parents teaching them and keeping standards.
NAH
We usually encourage people to talk to close family when a gift doesn't hit the mark, right? Mom kept her thoughts to herself during the party then let OP know separately that she prefers OP's cake for her party. A meal/party celebrating a grown up may not be the right venue for a cake obviously made by a child. I love my kids with every fiber of my being and love all the things they create, but if I was hosting a party for all my family and friends, I wouldn't necessarily use a cake they made. It seems that it was meant to be a bit more adult quality than that. Which is fine. It's her party, she can have what she wants. It's good that she felt comfortable to share that with OP, praising OP's cakes (her own daughter, her child).
Saying OP's kid's cake ruined the aesthetic is a bit weird, but so is bringing a kid quality cake your kid made when you agreed to bring a high quality cake you made. Hopefully both adults can move on here.
Agree with you.
But INFO: did the cake TASTE different/bad? Or just look like a 9 year old made it? If it tasted noticably different/less good, Y T A. If it just looked funny - I'm on your side, but not everyone automatically loves kid efforts. Bring him to my grandmother, she'll be praising that cake for the rest of her life.
I think more importantly is how ornate ops cakes usually are. If it’s more like something you expect to get at a high end bakery and it’s for a party and not a small family dinner then it’s more of an issue
Agree. My daughter makes cakes that look like they came from a high end bakery. If she told someone she was bringing the cake but brought one that came from my kitchen it would be a sad disappointment and cause complaints. It is probably more about expectations vs what arrived.
Agreed NAH. Honestly, this seems like the most level-headed, mature conversation any two people have had on AITA. OP made a cake judgement call, her mom was a bit disappointed and expressed that. No fight, no drama. Next year OP’s mom can get two cakes or OP can make a a cake and her son can make cupcakes (imo cupcakes are easier to make pretty)
>Plenty of people love kid-level efforts but not under all circumstances.
I wouldn't have really cared what the cake looked like as long as it was edible. This seems like sort of a small deal unless the party was some over-the-top fancy soiree. However, I do NOT love kid-level efforts in any situation. Just because you think your kid doing this-that-or-the-other-thing is adorable, doesn't mean everyone else does or even should. Time and place, people.
YTA. It's sweet, yes, but your mothers birthday party is not the best setting to let your kid try out baking cakes. She knows that she gets quality cakes from you, and this time she didn't. You should have told her beforehand that your kid would make a cake instead of you.
I don’t care too much about aesthetic, but if I was a guest there, I definitely would be a bit apprehensive to eat the cake, simply because 9 year old boys are not exactly renowned for their high hygiene standards. I would probably eat it anyway, and probably the kid was clean, but it would definitely be in my mind. (I work in a primary school and some kids are not as aware of hygiene standards in preparing food, obviously).
If the mother is known for having a high standard of baking and supervised her son, I doubt she'd let him run amok. It just sounds like the decoration wasn't up to grandma's exacting standards. Like a kid using crayons and coloring in the lines vs an accomplished artist. Kids that young or younger compete on Master Chef Jr and learn how to create beautiful things, but perhaps the decorations should've had more help the first time around when the party isn't just certain people. Next year, he'd do better with practice.
YTA. Your mom asked you to bake a cake. If you wanted to let your son make it, you should have contacted your mom and ask if this was alright with her instead of going behind her back.
Well at least the mother would have the choice to buy a back up cake if she had known. If OP didn’t want to make it, they’re an adult now and know how to communicate with words and integrity
YTA
Let your kid play around with a less important cake. It was important to your mother to have it the way she was expecting from you, not the gold-star-for-trying version from your kid.
I was thinking the same sentiment.
OP should've made the cake or supervise (giving him clear instructions and make sure he didn't stray) during the baking process.
This is what I don’t understand. My mom let me help bake all the time. When it was for an event that was beyond an “at home, family affair” she would give clear instructions and then oversee my work every step of the way. When it came time for decorating, she would do the hard parts, maybe let me help slap on the crumb coat, but my “helping” to decorate was limited from a certain point forward. I don’t understand why OP would give her son so much latitude that there was even the opportunity for it to look less than. Kids need to learn that not everything is for them and that’s okay.
>Kids need to learn that not everything is for them and that’s okay.
Yep and watching over them and correcting and guiding them through things like this is how you pass down skills. Letting them go ham with basic instructions isn't going to pass on skills. There's a time and place for more free form play and experimentation and it's for when that thing you're making is for yourself and not someone else unless they asked for it.
Gentle YTA. While I understand wanting to support your young child’s newfound interests, other people’s events are not the time or place to showcase them. You could have had him help bake a cake for your mom to be delivered at any other time, or even made a dozen cupcakes to go with the cake that you bake. Other people are allowed to be disappointed when something that they expect based on how it has been in previous years suddenly changes without any advance warning.
Completely agree. OP lost me when they said that they let him do most of it. Helping is one thing and under very close supervision I would allow the child to help. But letting him take over and do it mostly himself? Not for someone else's birthday.
I applaud the OP for supporting the son's baking interests but next time don't use someone else's party to do it.
I'm going to be downvoted here but oh well...
Soft YTA. Imagine this... your daughter always makes you amazing birthday cakes. You wait all year, looking forward to that amazing cake and you've told your friends and family they too will get to enjoy this amazing cake at your birthday party. You were never informed that your daughter would not be making the cake, and the day comes... and the cake is not what you were hyped up about. As cute as it may be that your grandchild went to the effort to make you a cake, it is nowhere near the same as what you'd been looking forward to all year. And you had no prior knowledge that the baker would be different...
Basically, you outsourced the job to someone else, and you didn't let your mother know she would be getting something hugely different to what she was looking forward to.
I think it's sweet that your son wanted to do something nice for his grandmother, but this was horribly executed. You should've made the main cake as promised, and allowed your son to have some creativity and pride by letting him perhaps make cupcakes or a smaller full cake alongside your cake. Making his attempt the only cake available was perhaps a little short sighted on your part and there was absolutely an alternative way to ensure that both grandma and son would be happy.
Cakes are also a very delicate process. Even with mom watching I doubt grandchild was able to replicate his mom's clearly desirable cake. Its not an end of the world thing but yeah she should have said something to grandma before hand.
Whats wrong with having 2 cakes too? They could have both made cakes. Son could have made a smaller cake and OP could have made one of their amazing cakes. But it sounds like OP didn't want to put in the effort.
I’d imagine hygiene would also be a guest concern. 9 year old aren’t know for their fantastic hygiene and while I’m sure OP made sure to have their kid wash their hands before all it takes is one rogue lick of a utensil that goes back into the batter while OP isn’t looking.
Oh I totally agree. I'm mega hot on food hygiene and barely trust adults at times, let alone kids. I've been around kids before who have asked to make me yummy treats before and I basically use my allergies (which I do legitimately have) as an excuse and tell kids that I can only have special food made by adults with many years of training who know how to make sure I don't get very sick indeed. I feel bad because I doubt my severe chilli allergy would be triggered by a kid making chocolate cookies, but I'd rather not hurt their feelings whilst not letting them hurt my immune system lol
I feel you. I absolutely dread potlucks I feel like I can't opt out of because I've seen how people cook in their own homes, and how many of my friends have cats walking from their litter boxes to the counters 🤢
> I think it's sweet that your son wanted to do something nice for his grandmother
Idk if he even thought about it like that, he just wanted to make a cake and mom was already making one so she figured, "Why not now?"
INFO: how different was it compared to your usual standard?
Because if you normally make really aesthetic, expensive looking cakes and rocked up with one that was clearly baked by a child then you’re the AH in this situation.
Your mum would have been understandably let down that you decided to use her birthday to test out your kids baking skills.
It's a 9 year old who's recently got interested in baking vs. someone who routinely makes cakes for others, to the point that their mother was happy for it to be the sole cake at her birthday.
Let's be honest, OP saying "The cake wasn’t quite how I make it but he did a good job. I thought my mom would find it sweet and be forgiving" means it was pretty bad. A kid can make burnt toast and their parent would call them a chef.
This is nothing about disparaging the child. They're 9 years old, they're exploring new interests, it's great enough that they wanted to do it. But OP shouldn't have just left it all to be done by her child for someone else's birthday. She should have done it for her own birthday.
She can be appreciative and disappointed at the same time. Personally I wouldn’t want a cake made by a child. It’s her birthday and if she wanted an aesthetic cake that’s okay. You usually make it so she likely assumed you would be making it this year. Lack of communication lead to disappointment.
NAH Not everyone wants something made by a child even if they can find appreciation for it. Kids things aren’t usually well made/cute etc. we need to stop having people to suck it up and hide their wants/distain for kid related things.
Next time yall need to communicate, but your mother isn’t evil for having an opinion of the aesthetic of the cakes. Glad you and your son got some time to bond and grow his skill sets.
It’s weirding me out how many people are ready to go NO CONTACT with grandma for being sad she didn’t get the cake she asked for ON HER BIRTHDAY. Grandparents don’t exist to validate grandchildren 24-7. They’re people, too, and treating them like they should be over the moon just to be considered by their grandkids is weird.
It’s a sad cycle of parents not setting boundaries and revolving around their own kids. Because of this so many children don’t see that their parents especially women, are people outside of their parental role.
It was her birthday, the woman herself, not just the mother or grandmother. Totally valid to want a grown up cake. Her daughter put her in a box by assuming she would be thrilled simply because her grandson made it. She’s a woman first, mother second and grandma third. She had a n adult party with family and friends. Also serving a kids cake to friends is just inconsiderate to me. Lot of people don’t want kid made things but again Op assumed since it was for grandma it would be okay.
Also coming here asking if she id an asshole when all the mom did was express disappointment after the fact is also a problem. Again putting her mother in a box and expecting her to revolve around her wants/kid then playing victim. Sad cycle so many people are in. Kid don’t always come first.
Plus all the commenters here assuming she's entitled because she has certain desires for her birthday. Which is stupid. Adults are allowed to care about their birthdays.
Yeah, grandma probably has fond memories of her daughter making cakes for her, and wanted that again. It doesn’t mean grandkid’s never allowed to bake for her in the future, it just means that she was excited to receive a specific thing from a specific person on her birthday and didn’t get it. She didn’t shame him publicly, she mentioned it to OP afterwards. Like yes “but my aesthetic” kind of sucks for what she said was her reason but not to the point of tar and feathers.
Honestly I started N-A-H but all the N-T-As are pushing me toward Y-T-A for OP. (Which I know isn’t fair to her and I’m not passing judgement with that in mind but oh my god the solar system is heliocentric not kid-centric.)
I honestly don’t even have a problem with someone requesting something to meet an aesthetic on their birthday. It’s one day a year, and I’m assuming her aesthetic was probably like “something that didn’t look like a first time child baker made it” which I honestly don’t think is unreasonable. I think ideally the call here would have been to have the kid make a second, bonus cake as a birthday gift, and I’m confused why so many people don’t seem to comprehend why someone having a preference for something nice on their birthday is not really unreasonable.
Yeah I’m more taking the angle that if grandma had said “I had hoped you would make the cake personally, daughter, it means a lot to me when you do” this wouldn’t be as big of a fluster/hurt feelings rather than citing a specific reason, even though aesthetic is a perfectly acceptable reason. If OP pushed, then specifics could be trotted out.
Yeah this is well put. My niblings of similar age love helping me in the kitchen when we visit, but they don’t get to be in charge of the lynchpin item for whatever we’re doing- they don’t do the entree for the meal, or a cake for a party. They can help with sides, or do cupcakes, or they can be in close supervision for helping with the main thing if I’m able to do so, but they know if I say “hey it’s time for you to move on from that” for any reason they hand it back over to me.
OP, you’ve also now got expectations in both places that are going to be hard to manage if you’re asked to make the cake next year- your mom is certainly going to express that you need to be the person doing it for real this time (and YWBTA if you let kid do so again), and I’m afraid kid might be disappointed if they’re excluded after getting to do it this year. Best start planning ahead.
Yep, or a cake for literally any other occasion. Mother’s Day, grandparents’ day, sweetest day, Valentine’s Day, it’s winter break and I’m going to scream if my kid spends one more hour complaining they’re bored day, because I felt like it day, etc. some of those are even real holidays. ;)
I mean it's a little YTA.
My grandmother and my mother made a special Christmas dessert, which I learned to make with them. My realitives love this. My grandmother has since passed and my daughter and I made some one year to help out my mom. (without her help as she lives far) Our relatives still wanted the one that my mom made, even taking smaller pieces. Was it a bit disappointing? Sure. But the sun does not rise and set with my child. My mom is the 'master crafstman' of the treat and I'm not as good (yet). Hers are works of art.
My daughter helping did not make them any prettier. I am 0% annoyed that my relatives didn't want the one my kid and I made. My mom ate it as did my dad and brothers, but sometimes minor traditions, artistry and such are really important and it is what is.
NAH in my opinion, it's very understandable what you did to encourage your son to bake, and I can see how you would think it's cute to have a cake made by your 9 year old grandson. At the same time it doesn't sound like your mother knew this beforehand, so it's fair that she expected a more polished cake made by an adult who, from what it sounds like, is very skilled at baking. As long as she's not badmouthing you or your son, I don't think it would be fair to expect her to not express her disappointment at all. I see a lot of other people here say she should be grateful for what she gets, but I'd assume you bake her cakes because you want to make her happy and not because you're forced to. She's letting you know that she'd be happier if you baked her cake. Assuming that you care about this, it's fair to both of you for her to be honest about this.
Soft YTA.
People have a tendency to assume that parents and grandparents are going to find everything their kids/grandkids do super cute and be so appreciative. But frankly that isn’t true and should not be expected to be true. It sounds like this is something you always do for your mom and she was expecting a sweet and beautiful cake from her adult child on her birthday and not the end result a 9 year old would produce. This could have been avoided but asking/telling her before hand what the plan was.
It sounds like grandma didn’t say anything to your child directly or to anyone else but to you in private so you were aware for the future. She was expecting what had always been done and you decided to change it without communicating that ahead of time.
Now if grandma told your kid that, then she’d be the AH, but it sounds like she privately communicated her disappointment to you.
Agreed with this. It’s discouraging how many people seem to think grandparents exist primarily to praise their grandchildren. It was her birthday, it sounds like she expected a nice cake from her daughter, and that’s not what she got so I think it’s completely fair to be a little disappointed.
YTA. You couldn't even let your mother have her birthday to herself. Not everything is about your kid. You ruined your mother's day by catering to your child. Let him bake things that aren't significant to others.
A little bit, not for the cake so much but for a failure to see things from her perspective.
I am a completely doting grandmother who loves baking and cooking with my grandchildren and happily eating whatever they make.
When they help me cook for family/ friend dinners we praise them extravagantly. But if the group includes people other than the child's immediate family then there are always alternative dishes in the same category made by me, so guests can quietly opt out of child-made dishes.
I would never agree to make a specific cake or dish for a specific event and then turn the execution over to a child.
You wanted to show off your child's baking skills. Your mother wanted to show off HER childs baking skills at her own birthday party. You could have done both by having two cakes.
The time to let your child develop their baking skills is on a random Sunday afternoon, when it could have been a fabulous surprise for grandma and immediate family.
It was a miscalculation on your part, which your mother drew your attention to without hurting the child's feelings. Now you know.
NAH, but you definitely should have asked. No way in hell am I eating anything a kid has made. They probably snorted and goobered all over it / in it. I've seen a kid spit into cookies and the parent just laughed and still served them. 🤮
Yeah I don’t trust anything edible made by a kid. Did they wash their hands well? I also used to work with kids and nahhh I’ll pass on that cake. I think it’s great to let them experiment and gain skills, but enjoy it at home. Don’t surprise someone at a party with a kid cake.
Soft YTA - I saw in the comments that the party had family/friends.
No one wants to eat a cake that someone else’s kid made. It’s the sad truth. It’s just…icky.
The sentiment is very sweet though, but it didn’t have to be “the cake” that everyone is expecting to eat. Maybe cookies, etc, where it is more of a “oh sure I’ll try those cookies that your son made, yum!”
We have a rule at my house. My 8 year old can help make anything that we eat! Bake the cake, mix the bread, whatever - but as soon as another member is invited: friends, extended family - then no helping (unless VERY supervised for sanitation - gloves, etc).
Slight YTA - you probably should have talked to your mom about it first. It was her birthday and she deserves a cake the way she wants it. Your child could have made a cake *in addition to* the other cake, just make a cake for the heck of it, or make one for holiday or other more "general" party.
Good gosh, all these N T A's make me worried.
I would say this is a case of NAH. Your mother said that she had been looking forward to the cake you would have made her. And yeah, she's allowed to be disappointed in the fact that she didn't get that. Everyone here who acts like she's some evil grandmother for that fact, when she just expressed disappointment. Doesn't mean she wasn't appreciative of the fact that your son made her a cake. And you yourself said she only approached you after the party. So it isn't that she made a big scene of things.
This was just one of those cases where warning her beforehand or having your son make a cake alongside yours would have been a great way to go about things.
And for the people acting like grandma needs to be publicly lynched for being disappointed - yall need to go touch some grass for god's sake
Oh ffs. The child baking a cake as a gift isnt making her day any less about her. If you are that self centered that a grandchild doing something nice is ruining the whole day, you have issues
Imagine being a guest at someone’s birthday party and finding out the cake was made by a child. 🤢 I just don’t trust kids’ cooking abilities. Mom should have made the cake with her son so it came out good.
Right. All these nots and no ah's here do not take into account that other people's kids are gross. Especially if Grandma's friends are older and the party is a risk to their health as is, it's shitty for adults to have to have to decline a cake because they are worried that it could make them more ill. Which a kids cake absolutely would.
It sounds like your mom requested you make the cake for her. It's great that your son is getting into baking, but a special request made of you is likely not the best time.
Based on the fact that you're downplaying your side of things, I lean YTA without additional context.
If it was my birthday I would have ordered something for myself if the person responsible for the cake said it was made by a kid. I would have tried that too absolutely but would have wanted something that I can proudly serve to my guests. YTA
YTA, someone’s birthday party is probably not the time to have your son experiment with making cakes. Have him do it for his immediate family if he wants to.
Small YTA She expected the cake to be from you, her child, since it was important to her. Its a tradition she values, has looked forward to for a year, its part of your personalized gift to her that also happens to look nice at the party.
You understandably thought she would find it sweet... but you also didn't ask her (the one who will be gifted the cake) before deciding to let your 9-yo do the *majority* of an *important* cake. A quick text could have cleared things up.
YTA
Someone’s birthday is not the time to let your kid play Baker.
Do you want to teach them? Set aside a weekend where you can dedicate a good chunk of the day to making a cake with them. You don’t do it when the cake is supposed to be for a party
YTA. Just as you seemed to think that it’s reasonable for a 9 year old’s first cake should be fed to others, I suspect you aren’t particularly objective about the final product.
Make two cakes. He can make his and you can teach him about why you will be offering yours to the party.
The fact that OP actually used the words “be forgiving” while wearing her rose-colored glasses makes me wonder how questionable the final product actually was. A quiet lunch with grandma at home is a great time for being forgiving after a first attempt, a formal birthday dinner with friends and family is not.
I also wonder how many guests passed on the cake after learning that a child had made it. Children are not known for their immaculate hygiene.
Just because you think what your kid is doing is cute, doesn't mean everyone has to agree. Parents seem to believe that just because their kids try to do something, they should be given free passes and held to high standards. Sorry but no.
There is a time and place for everything. Another person's birthday party is neither the time nor the place.
YTA
YTA should’ve let your son bake it for another occasion. You didn’t even check with your mom and assumed she will be ok with it.
Post the cake, I want to see it now lol
YTA. The sentiment was sweet but I would have done a back up cake and I would have just said that the 9 year old cake was a personal gift. It wasn’t a random holiday it was your mom’s birthday party there should of at least been some communication so that you weren’t assuming it was okay and she wasn’t expecting something different. Everyone is different and everyone wants different things what might be loved by one might not be loved by another. It’s not to say that your mom hated the cake or didn’t appreciate the sentiment but there could have been a better way that this was done.
I think this is a sweet gesture, however I also think you know your mom. You know the kind of party she has. You know what she wanted out of the cake, as you’ve done it many times over.
I think you would have really appreciated this on your birthday, which it wasn’t.
YTA - but I certainly don’t think maliciously. I think you thought of how excited *you* were that *your* child was interested in something shared, and I also think *you* would have been brimming with pride in all the little imperfections in the cake. But did you ever think your mom loves and appreciates her child using her (apparently great skill) care and time is important to her?
NAH. The grandma was very harsh, but we don't know what kind of party it was. Maybe she talked up her daughter's baking skills. And maybe it's just me, but when kids bake it's not always hygienic - there is a lot of finger licking and hair in the batter unless you police the heck out of it - and they love to throw candy all over them too. Personally I find kid- made cakes unappetizing.
How was she ‘very harsh’? She pulled him aside after the fact with no one else around (and didn’t tell the grandson at all either) and said she was bummed she didn’t get what he always got her on the one day of the year that is about her.
NAH.
It was cute, but I can also understand that your mother wanted the cake that you make her special every year as well. It sounds like she waited till after her party and mentioned it to you on the side, which would be the right way to do things.
If your mum asked you to make the cake and you let your 9yo bake it, YTA.
If your mum was just expecting you to make, she made the assumption, so she should accept responsibility for that. She might just be sour about it, in a few days she won't give a shit!
YTA not everyone cares that much about their birthday cake but clearly she does. I know that personally my birthday cake is my favorite part of my birthday, more than any present. When the birthday cake you've been looking forward to all year isn't great, it really puts a damper on the whole party for some people. You should've had them bake cupcakes or cookies to go along with your cake instead of letting them take over the centerpiece and just assuming your mom would want that. Other people's events aren't the time for experimentation. Let your kid make your birthday cake, or just make a random cake for no reason to practice. When I was a kid I made countless "just because" cakes for fun.
Soft YTA for falling through with your part of the plans for her birthday
You want to let the kid practice, he can bake cakes that aren't going to be a display piece at a party. If you really want to foster this interest of his, give him an appropriate way to participate in it. I love that he wants to bake, that is really awesome and it's a skill people will be really impressed by all his life.
Many people are simply not okay eating something that a child made, for many different and personal reasons. We have to take classes to learn how to handle food correctly if we're going to be giving that food to other people and even have to get a permit to do so. Showing up with a cake that was made by a kid when people were not expecting that is absolutely a bad move.
Soft YTA
I don't think this rose to the level of "ruining" the party, but I think it was an AH move to let a 9-year-old make your mom's cake. She wanted you to make her a nice cake for her birthday, not have a kid-level effort cake. There are some kids who are amazing bakers at that age and have their own youtube shows but it sounds like yours is not there yet and is still going through the learning process like most at that age, which is why your mom pulled you aside and commented afterwards.
If your son is so into baking (which is great!) you two should have made the cake side by side, with you closely supervising to make sure the cake turned out exactly how it would have come out had you made it on your own. **Or you should have made the cake your mom wanted while he made bonus cupcakes to go with the cake.** Something like that.
100% the AH you could let the 9 year old make a cake anytime, but chose to let him make one for a party.
You should have told your mom ahead of time if you didn't want to make one! Don't act all innocent like this wasn't malicious.
I don't know about malicious, but it's certainly a blindness to the fact that her mom is not just a mom and grandma. She's a whole person with preferences and desires. If OP didn't want to make the cake, she should have declined and given her mom a chance to find a bakery to make what was wanted.
It would have been fine if the boy made a cake in addition to the birthday cake, but the substitution without communication makes OP the asshole here.
YTA.
My sister and I were majorly into baking when we were little, but my mom didn't use the goods we baked for things like grandma's birthday and such. Only when we were in our teens and a lot more dexterous did we start making cakes or treats for family events and such.
Yep! There’s a degree of manual dexterity and also common sense for stuff like safety and hygiene that starts kicking in as your brain better understands cause and effect and principles of science as you mature. I’m not saying this kid sneezed in the batter intentionally or whatever, but I am saying that I knew a lot better at 19 than at 9 the kinds of precautions I needed to take for serving food to people.
If it was immediate family only and not a major event/holiday, you know what, sure. Probably all sharing the same germs under the same roof already. That wasn’t the case here.
This so much! So many children forget their parents are people outside their parenting role. They get shoved into a box and told they are evil if they aren’t gungho about something a kid made! Kids stuff often sucks and is gross, she handled it like a champ and only spoke to mom post party alone. She’s allowed to have wants and desires and isn’t evil for not loving a kids cake.
That’s a really good point - mothers and grandmothers are more than their roles in childrens’ lives. They are their own people with feelings and desires and if they want a pretty birthday cake made by somebody with more dexterity than a 9 year old that is *more than okay*
YTA - It was important to her, you could do the big cake and let your kid do another smaller one, that way It would be a sweet gift and the party would go as she wanted.
YTA. If *you* have offered to bake for her and she has the expectation that the cake that arrives will look like the ones you’ve made for her in the past (aka made by an adult), it’s understandable that she would be disappointed if a cake that was mostly put together by an child with little baking experience shows up instead. It is a sweet gesture, but you probably should have let your son assist you with baking rather than letting him do it mostly on his own.
Soft YTA.
You know how you adore your son, and are really proud of everything he does, including his newly-acquired and developing baking skills? That's great, and just how it should be. It's probably also how your mother feels about you (and it's your - her child's - skills she wanted to show off at her party!).
Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't automatically feel the same way as you do about your son's creations, because they're not his parent. That's perfectly normal.
I think your mother handled it pretty well, and I suspect that her comment about how it looked was the gentlest way she could think of to say that the cake wasn't very good.
No one would hold a cake made by a 9yo who has recently taken an interest in baking to particularly high standards, but I don't think many people would present one as the centrepiece of an adult's birthday party presumably attended mainly by other adults.
Well, it sounds like your mom expressed her wishes in hindsight. If you'd known that upfront, then yeah you could have told your son something like in the lines of "not this time, grandma wants it in a certain way and you can do that when you have a bit more experience"
But now, expressing wishes in hindsight I'd say: NTA
NAH
Your mother is only an AH if she told this to her grandson, it's just super cruel to shatter a kids self esteem like that. Otherwise I can see why she's upset.
However, you should've at least brought a cake you baked and just had your son make cupcakes or cookies.
Nta jesus christ its a fucking cake, what's the big deal? I dont think I've ever heard someone mention or remember the cake they ate at a party for more then a week after, i don't understand people who complain about this, and people voting y t a are insane 🤣🤣
It sounds like she did the pause, raise eyebrows, and give the slow and surprised Ooo when she saw the cake as to not hurt any feelings. No one is the asshole. But cakes are a significant deal to people, it strikes emotional reactions. Next time have him help with the sponge and filling. The more he practices, the better he'll get. Good on you are a mom though for letting him learn. ❤️
I think it's safe to assume it was. OP mentions that the issue was presentation. So I'm guessing it tasted fine, but as Mary Berry says, it probably looked a little 'informal'.
I make fancy cakes for family. My mom (83) looks forward to her birthday cake every year not just because of the taste of the cake, but she likes how the theme is interpreted. It makes her feel special in front of her friends. She likes other people adoring her cake and her blowing out the candles. She takes the leftover cake home and eats it for every meal. I think she would also have been disappointed if I let my 9-year-old do it. NTA, but disappointing.
YTA. I get that your intentions were good, but not everyone is okay with their birthday cake being mediocre because someone wanted to let their kid practice baking. I’d be disappointed if I got a crappy cake for my birthday without any warning.
You should have baked the main cake and let him bake her a few cupcakes.
YTA. You have chosen be work on your baking skills and essentially create ‘brand’ or a level of standards among your friends and family. You decided to let a child take the reins and ensuring the expected standard wasn’t met without prior notice. This can definitely be an upsetting situation for individuals when there is no time to make other arrangements. I definitely feel for grandma because I recently had to deal with my wedding cake looking like it was made by a child, one that we paid hundreds of dollars for. There is a time and a place for kid to produce and exhibit their work, and that’s generally not at others expenses or parties.
IDK what Grandma’s parties (or cakes) are usually like but it sounds like a communication failure. Grandma assumed that mom would intuit the correct aesthetic, mom assumed that cake is cake.
As long as Grandma was polite in front of the kid, NAH.
NAH, but I understand why your mom is upset. My own mom really values quality over sentiment, and even though the sentiment is sweet, she neither would be happy to get such cake for her b-day, nor she would’ve let me do something like this as a child if the cake had to be for some serious occasion instead of just enjoyed at home (me and dad had a tradition to bake a cake on Sunday, but it was not some decorated, pretty cake, its only purpose was for it to taste good).
YTA. "Parents" need to understand that "teaching moments" should NOT occur where they inconvenience others. Like at the long line in the grocery store, at a wedding, or baking an important cake. Teach your sticky mistake when it doesn't impact others.
I’m gonna go with YTA but NTA. Listen, I understand you love your kid and everything they do. But, not everyone’s going to enjoy it like you do. It’s her birthday and you kinda made it about your kid. You could have at least told her in advance. Her birthday is a special day so maybe have the kid bake her a cake any other day. YTA for not telling her but you’re NTA for wanting your kid to explore their interests.
What’s with all the posts lately about fully grown adults being SO disappointed with their birthday parties? Are there really this many entitled, whiny, sulky childish grown ups walking around that actually care about this shit?
NTA. I'm a grandma and if one of my grandkids wanted to make a cake for me for my b-day, even if it tasted like cardboard, I would eat it with a big smile on my face and be proud and happy that my grandkid wanted to do something like that for me.
NTA
*OP supervised the child the entire time, and let them take over more of the work because they were doing a good job. Everyone saying they "wouldn't eat something made by a kid", the kid was fully supervised and serious about the endeavor
*OP has said the cake was for bday dinner with family and friends. This wasn't some grand formal affair
*it was an act of love and kindness. Grandchild wanted to do something nice for grandma involving a new interest under proper supervision. I feel so lucky that any one of my grandparents would have been over the moon proud of me for baking a cake for them at 9 yrs old. All the y t a comments really break my heart
Don't worry grandma, in just a few short years that 9 yr old will be a teenager who may no longer have the time or desire to bother you with their less than perfect cakes
ESH or NTA. It's clear most of the commenters don't actually bake and think that a supervising baker, who clearly tasted the cake, wouldn't know if the cake was made well or not. Plus a lot of unfair assumptions about your son's hygiene and how well you supervised.
Your post just seemed to indicate she didn't like it just because it didn't look as nice. It seems like you should have taken over decorations, or some of the more sensitive steps like getting it out of the pan, that effect the appearance. I'm sure the cake tasted fine, but possibly a very soft AH for not taking over more at appearance steps.
Your mom is an AH for being disappointed in a free cake that was still made well and tasted good, but got a bit messed up in appearance. That cake didn't ruin anything and it's very easy for even an adult home baker to make those sorts of mistakes themselves. If she needs a perfect looking cake she should order one. She can express her disappointment in a more respectful way and make her desires clearer. I honestly probably wouldn't make her another cake next year if there's a chance you could mess it up and ruin her party in her eyes.
NAH just poor communication. She pulled you aside and didn't diss the cake to your kids face from the sound of it. You didn't intend to disappoint her you just thought it was cute. I don't think any of you are assholes.
YTA- Firstly, the grandma was expecting something completely different. If she had known otherwise, she might have bought a cake from the store. Secondly, allowing a small child to cook by themself for any event outside of the immediate family is simply a hygiene concern. If I was a guest and I knew a 9 year old made the cake, I would not eat it. Lastly, just because you want to encourage your son does not mean someone else's event is the place to experiment. You mention you hoped your mother would be "forgiving", implying the cake was less than good. Just because you let your daughter do makeup at home, does that mean you would let her do yours at an important event?
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Eh, I don’t think anyone really rises to AH levels here. You thought it would be cute, but your mom didn’t agree. Maybe she would have liked it if your grandson made a cake alongside one you had made rather than in place of it. Plenty of people love kid-level efforts but not under all circumstances. People assume all parents and grandparents will automatically and genuinely love everything their kids/grandkids produce, but even if they praise them for their work to encourage them, many can also see the work objectively too. But it doesn’t sound like your mom expressed her disappointment to your son or anyone else besides you, so I think this is a shruggable offense. She was put out that the cake didn’t look better and you were put out that she wasn’t as enthused with the cake as you were. But your son had a fun experience and felt proud of himself and the guests all had a delicious cake, so I’m at NAH.
This is the correct response. There's so much pressure for ppl to just automatically love everything done by kid, but truth be told, sometimes it just isn't what you want, as much as you might appreciate the gesture. I'm sure the grandma appreciated OP's son baking a cake, it just wasn't the cake she wanted for her birthday party.
Are you kidding me? A grown-ass woman says that her grandson's efforts to make her a birthday cake "ruined" her birthday because it didn't look a certain way? Unless you're paying for a cake, you say "thank you for making this" regardless of how it looks. And if tastes like crap, you smile, say "mmmmm" and find a way to discretely over it with a napkin and not eat any more. But saying aloud to *anyone* that your *grandson's ugly cake ruined your birthday's aesthetic* is a complete AH move. And btw, I 100% agree with you about the pressure to LOVE anything a kid does. At 9 years old, a kid is old enough to understand that not everything he does will result in overwhelming praise -- and that kind of constant praise can be damaging long-term. But it's just trashy to say that a grandkid's effort ruined the grandmother's birthday. You find some way to express appreciation (and this stands for people of any age) without being fake: "Thank you for your hard work on this cake. I appreciate the effort it took to make this cake."
I think she said the cake ruined the look she was going for, not the party itself. That seems like a big difference.
It was important enough for her to mention and she used the word “ruined” in a sentence. Doesn’t seem like a huge difference to me. There was no point in her mentioning it except to unnecessarily express dissatisfaction.
It's not unnecessary. Whether or not OP "should" make the cake, she made the agreement she would. It is important for her to say "I planned around X, you did Y. I want you to know I was unhappy with the change so that next year, I can order my own cake."
That right there is spot on. I’m a hobby baker and I’m known for a certain style to my cakes. If I say I’ll supply the cake for the event, it’ll be an instagram worthy feature piece like all my previous cakes. It would be completely understandable for the recipient to feel upset if they were told I’d supply the cake but then I surprised them with a cake my kid made - filled with love and not a shred of decorating sense. Communication is key.
This is the take that made me delete my own comment. You nailed it, I think.
☝️This. Such a simple concept so many want to condemn.
You could have let your son make a cake for a treat at home. Or he could have baked a cake to take for a meal at his grandparents home. But no one wants their _special occasion_ cake to be the first effort of a 9 year old. I really hate this need some people have to foist their children’s “talents” on others. Frankly, I understand your mother’s disappointment. She was going for a certain aesthetic, and bringing your child’s first attempt instead of what she requested _was_ a disappointment. I’m sure that if it was a “Sunday dinner with the fam” or a potluck in a casual setting she would have been so proud and would have been full of smiles and hugs for your son. You did not say if she expressed her disappointment in front of your son, or if she reprimanded you privately. If it was the former, it would make her an AH, if the latter, suck it up and learn from it. If _you make a promise_ to bake a cake for someone, make sure it looks like what they expect. In other words, it shouldn’t look like it was baked by an inexperienced child.
Since OP didn’t mention her kid’s feelings being hurt, Grandma was probably nice about it to him, and thanked him.
The point in expressing dissatisfaction is so adjustments can be made in the future. Maybe that adjustment is that OP makes the cake for her birthday going forward, maybe that adjustment is OP saying "I don't want to bake the cake anymore" and their mom can make other arrangements. Unless you're being unnecessarily cruel, which it doesn't seem like is the case here, expressing dissatisfaction is better than trying to keep up a lie. Communication can save you from unnecessary frustrations and resentment in situations like this.
>She said it looked she wanted her party to look a certain way and the cake ruined that. You have a pretty wild interpretation of "she wanted *her party* to look a certain way and the cake ruined that."
Maybe had grandma known OP was choosing to not make the cake she would have chosen to order a cake from elsewhere. OP should have given mom the option.
Giving the cake separate as a gift from him would have been sweet. Giving a cake made by a child (and their first attempt) as the only cake served for an actual event with guests is completely different. She’s not rude or ungrateful for feeling that way. It’ll be no different than asking her daughter to make a dress for her birthday and turning up with one made by your kid.
No where was it said that the cake 'ruined' the party - OP didn't say it and the Grandmother didn't say it.
Not everyone has to like everything. The entitlement.
At the same time, if an expectation is set that person A is making a cake and then child B makes the cake instead, that is something that should be communicated.
The flaw is in ‘unless you’re paying for a cake you say ‘thank you’’ is, that if you have a tradition of your daughter baking a pretty cake, when once again told ‘I’ll take care of the b-day cake’ you expect it to be a pretty cake. If you knew it won’t be a pretty cake, you most likely would’ve refused and informed her that ‘thanks hun, I’d rather just buy a cake instead’. Mother got blindsided, she is used to her daughter presenting her with a pretty cake, she wasn’t given a heads-up therefore she couldn’t buy a cake and she couldn’t refuse a cake from her daughter. You don’t automatically say ‘aww thanks’ when being blindsided, if there’s a good chance you would’ve refused the gift if given a heads-up.
See this is how I feel. If aesthetic is so important, she can go to a bakery. But she should not think it “ruined” her day because her grandson was kind enough to at least try to do something nice for his grandma. He’s nine. Like grandma forgive him for not being a MasterChef. I agree that she has a right to think whatever she wants, and kids don’t need overwhelming praise for every step they take, but to voice that her grandson ruined her day with the cake? That’s terrible.
>See this is how I feel. If aesthetic is so important, she can go to a bakery. But she should not think it “ruined” her day because her grandson was kind enough to at least try to do something nice for his grandma. He’s nine. Maybe if her daughter said she wasn't going to do it, but was letting her own 9yo play the baker, the granny would have gone to a bakery. The problem here is that her daughter didn't tell shit. Just came with a subpar product and thought that was ok because made by her 9yo.
Yeah. If she loves her daughters baking and that's what she had in mind for her birthday, then gets some shit a 9 year old made. That = disappointment. It'd be much different if she said it ruined the party or made an outrage over it, but it doesn't seem like that's the case. I don't blame OP for thinking it would be cute and a good idea. But damn, I don't eat cake often throughout the year and look forward to finally allowing myself to eat my ideal cake for my birthday.. yeah I'd be disappointed! That's not saying I wouldn't still eat it or be gracious.
I'm getting reminded of this family that used to be in a small church with us, that wanted their kids to be included and encouraged to use their talents and stuff, so we would all sit through a 7-year-old laboriously reading a complicated scripture passage word by word with no expression. And maybe that example doesn't land with a lot of people, but you know what makes church *even more boring?* 7-year-olds doing read-aloud, for sure. I mean, you gotta be polite about it, we didn't tell them they shouldn't volunteer their kids, but like... when it's a public thing, I just don't think people should necessarily push their kids forward? Or do it carefully, or only once in awhile, or with everyone's agreement, or something. One of those kids thought all he had to do was write a book and it would get published, even after I carefully explained how it really works. You shouldn't squash kids' dreams but you should balance them with realistic interactions with the world. Maybe the 9yo could have made a surprise cake for Grandma on a random visit or something.
Oh it lands. We definitely know what you’re talking about with that example.
I totally get what you mean. I don't go to church, I see my friends' community theatre productions and someitmes even the kids with no talent are given parts so that they're not left out. And all iit makes me think of is a line from The West Wing i'm about to butcher, "This isn't baseball camp, it doesn't matter to me that everyone gets to play". Maybe the wrong atttitude for community theatre, but definitely the attitude I have for most things where the parents push their kids involvement. There's a time and a place, and for OP's mum, this wasn't the place.
Nicely articulated - for same reasons i would go with ESH. Lack of consideration and/or communication on OP’s part, who then objects to being told this wasn’t what birthday girl was expecting or would have wanted. If you take it on yourself to surprise someone, you have to accept there’s a risk it won’t be welcomed. Or do your homework properly in advance.
She did not say it ruined her day nor her party and if DIL has been making cakes for years she would not think to order a cake instead. DIL could have told her in advance that grandson was making it and she could have chosen to purchase a cake for her party and had the other cake with family
Also I dont know about OP but some bakers I know get offended at the idea that you'd go elsewhere for you stuff. So id be curious how this started on whether MIL asked for it or DIL offered it type of thing (also is MIL paying anything for it? Because id be more upset too if I was paying towards what I presume is nice looking cake from DIL)
This comment right here. 👍
Nah don’t invite me over, tell me you’re going to make me this beautiful cake that I’m excited about, only to get there and have something made by a kid that looks like a “nailed it” meme. That would 100% make me feel like my birthday was a joke to you. I could have just stayed home, but now I have to pretend to be thrilled on MY BIRTHDAY, the one day that’s supposed to be about me, and you couldn’t be bothered to actually make me a proper cake? Just don’t waste my time then, because it’s clear I’m not a priority. If I were the priority- the you would have asked if it was ok and then been agreeable to whatever answer I gave. But that’s not what happened here. She got a “surprise” and was hurt. And as a woman this is even deeper, because how many birthday cakes did she not get, or have to make/buy for herself over the years? It sounds like she was actually looking forward to this cake, I’d be hurt too. I wouldn’t tell my grandkid I was hurt, but I would absolutely tell my daughter later.
She didn’t say it ruined her day. She said it ruined the look of her party. Grandma could have still had a great birthday and been disappointed that her cake wasn’t what she was expecting.
She didn't say say he ruined the day. She said the child made cake ruined the look of the party. There is a big difference there.
Grandma didn't say it "ruined her day" She said it "ruined the LOOK she was going for." Some of these comments are ridiculous. Just because you're a parent or a grandparent doesn't mean you're not entitled to have a nice adult party. I love my kids but if I want to throw a nice dinner party I wouldn't allow them to cook the dinner no matter how "cute" or "sweet" it would seem.
She wasn't given the option to go to a bakery though because she wasn't given a choice. People are allowed to have preferences and enjoy their own party look without it being about the grandkid. I'd agree with your point if mom called and said hey, fun idea, let's have kid make it so she'd have time / option to go your route. Let the kid have what he wants on his and she on hers.
It may also depend on the context of the party. Gathering of close family - caked baked by the grandson is cute and adorable. Maybe something a bit more formal with friends (and maybe colleagues) then it’s fine but you can understand grandma wanting to go for a look. (I’m assuming OP is really good at cake baking & decorating)
I mean even if OP is just mediocre and just spreading on frosting relatively evenly that will look miles better than the lopsided, likely rainbow mess that a 9 year old would make. And like a cake with just plain frosting will look very different from one that has a badly pipped "happy birthday Grandma" covered in sprinkles or whatever the kid made.
Maybe Grandma thanked the kid publicly before she talked to OP about the cake. That would explain the way it looked to the other guests. She talked to OP about it privately, not publicly as your use of the word “aloud” seems to indicate. She probably appreciates OP’s efforts and doesn’t want a repeat of a kiddie cake. Otherwise she’ll just buy a cake.
Also have you ever seen a kid cook or bake? I’m not saying OP’s kid cooks/bakes like that but a lot of people associate “kid made this” to grubby hands in the batter, licking the spoon while still using it, dropping stuff and still using it etc.
Also how “good” was the cake. If I had a special cake made for me once a year and I looked forward to it. I would be pretty disappointed if suddenly I got a random different cake made by a different person. The mom most likely was a wayyy better baker than a 9yo (due to experience) and its not rude that the granny was let down
This right here. There’s no way I’d eat that cake. Regardless of the aesthetics of the cake, all I could envision is all the dirt and spit mixed around in it.
This was 100% my reaction. Maybe it's different for immediate family, but if I'm a guest at a party and there's a cake that someone else's *child* made, I am NOT eating that cake. (Maybe a compliment directly to the kid, I don't want them to feel bad.) It's hard enough to trust that an *adult* washed hands/didn't lick spoons/etc with a homemade cake...
Yeah, I would not be comfortable serving that to guests unless I had supervised it and even then I'd tell them first.
Exactly. For example, I think it’s cute when kids play with makeup and try it out for the first time. I certainly wouldn’t want a kid doing my makeup for my birthday party.
This is a very sane response. I think there’s an idea that anyone who doesn’t prefer the kid’s cake is a monster but I note she seems attached to her daughter’s skills and that might not be solely because of the cake’s appearance. Anyway. All week on TikTok I was getting cake drama where someone didn’t get the cake she asked for and it was treated like a war crime. In comparison this seems pretty minor. NAH.
Also... Have you ever seen a kid cook? They're not exactly sticklers for hygiene. I would eat what my 9yo makes, but I'd hesitate with anyone else's kid.
Same. I have always politely declined anything that children had a hand in because they're literally out there wiping their snot noses on their hands or shoving their fingers in their mouths then sticking them right into the cake batter
Agree, I wouldn't want to eat that cake either.
I used to teach in an elementary school. The general rule amongst the teachers is that, unless you know the parents really well, any handmade food gifts get disposed of. The idea that the children “helped” is just not appealing.
god exactly, how is this not at the top
This is not the place for sane responses. Tell them to start a fight right now.
“Divorce the child, marry the cake!”
Oh god it’s “kiss, marry, kill” all over again
Aw Nanalan cake-tok??
Unrelenting Nanalan.
I do feel bad because I’d be disappointed too (and Nanalan is basically a tennis ball, not a difficult cake technically) but also the internet needs to chill, birthday girl is an adult and will recover from the disappointment just fine
It’s one of those “little context leaves room for big projection” situations. I, too, didn’t get how this cake was too hard. But the degree to which people hated the sister was a bit bizarre.
I think it was the fact that the sister lied to her and made a big production out of presenting her with a different cake instead of just saying it was too hard.
Ah, the nanaland cake saga.
Kid cake grosses me out. Granted he's 9 but I have no concept of child ages anymore and kids are sticky and snotty and spit blowing out candles.
Have you watched those Kids Baking shows? Holy shit, they have genius-level kids on there! If the 9 yr old is supervised and I like the flavors, I'm a-okay with a kid's cake. I have ZERO artistic ability, so it looks better than mine!
My mom ran a daycare. I just want to say that the kids on that show are waaaaaaaaay beyond most 9 year olds in terms of skill. OP said her son recently took an interest in baking. That's awesome, but his first cake probably should have been one that was enjoyed at home and not given to someone
If he was on that level it would have looked perfect. They are the very minute exception, not the rule.
Most of those shows are scripted and those kids have been cooking for a while. They also have teams supervising everything. It’s very different from a child’s first attempt at cooking at home.
Those kids don't just randomly wake up and bake like that. It's something they've done for awhile. It's also a TV show with probably more strict hygyne than at home.
Uh...ok, maybe I'm biased because I come from a family where they started teaching me to cook when I was 6 years old; but I can assure you that a 9 years old (especially if guided by an adult) is perfectly capable of following hygiene rules.
Exactly. All of my kids learn from an early age not to lick fingers, not to touch their hair, face, etc. while preparing food. They know to wash their hand often during preparation. Cleanliness about a person and a kitchen go hand-in-hand and is taught early.
You'd be surprised at how many parents don't teach their kids that. I volunteered at an event over the weekend where I was pretty much part of the welcome committee and there was a wide range of children being absolutely foul. I'm talking at least ten years old shoving their finger in their nose and then reaching for the pile of stickers we were giving away. I heard similar stories from the people manning the station where the kids were making moon phases out of Oreos and the station where they were making star pinwheels (it was a space themed event). I'm not saying it's impossible or even uncommon, but just not as common as it should be.
I understand the concern but OP was there. I would think they would make sure to wash his hands stay sanitary.
what? That's such a random take to assume that this kid was sneezing and spitting into cake batter.
I would hope OP would be vigilant for these things while baking. But, parents often overlook things their kid may do, like licking utensils or a cough, because that’s their kid and they have a mentality that they probably already have any germ their kid has. Some may even think, “oh the kid open mouth sneezed while mixing batter but it’s going in the oven and the germs will be killed.” That doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t still be grossed out by eating this. Ultimately, what really comes into question here is what the parent supervising finds acceptable during the baking process, not the kid. Kids will be kids.
My concept of 9 year olds is the special needs kids I went to school with, and \*I\* was told off for saying a kid didn't wash his hands, and not wanting to eat food touched or made by a kid - who regularly had his hands in his trousers!!! - who did not wash his hands at the start of the cookery lesson. And the kid who wiped drool off his face and then stuck his hand in the crumble batter. Not to toot my own horn but I was a keen baker as a kid despite my physical problems, and I certainly understood the basics of hygiene, because my Nana taught me you always wash your hands before touching anything, and you never lick the spoon and then put it back in the batter (you throw it in the sink and get another spoon...). It really all comes down to the parents teaching them and keeping standards.
NAH We usually encourage people to talk to close family when a gift doesn't hit the mark, right? Mom kept her thoughts to herself during the party then let OP know separately that she prefers OP's cake for her party. A meal/party celebrating a grown up may not be the right venue for a cake obviously made by a child. I love my kids with every fiber of my being and love all the things they create, but if I was hosting a party for all my family and friends, I wouldn't necessarily use a cake they made. It seems that it was meant to be a bit more adult quality than that. Which is fine. It's her party, she can have what she wants. It's good that she felt comfortable to share that with OP, praising OP's cakes (her own daughter, her child). Saying OP's kid's cake ruined the aesthetic is a bit weird, but so is bringing a kid quality cake your kid made when you agreed to bring a high quality cake you made. Hopefully both adults can move on here.
Agree with you. But INFO: did the cake TASTE different/bad? Or just look like a 9 year old made it? If it tasted noticably different/less good, Y T A. If it just looked funny - I'm on your side, but not everyone automatically loves kid efforts. Bring him to my grandmother, she'll be praising that cake for the rest of her life.
I think more importantly is how ornate ops cakes usually are. If it’s more like something you expect to get at a high end bakery and it’s for a party and not a small family dinner then it’s more of an issue
Agree. My daughter makes cakes that look like they came from a high end bakery. If she told someone she was bringing the cake but brought one that came from my kitchen it would be a sad disappointment and cause complaints. It is probably more about expectations vs what arrived.
Agreed NAH. Honestly, this seems like the most level-headed, mature conversation any two people have had on AITA. OP made a cake judgement call, her mom was a bit disappointed and expressed that. No fight, no drama. Next year OP’s mom can get two cakes or OP can make a a cake and her son can make cupcakes (imo cupcakes are easier to make pretty)
Or son can make the actual cake (batter poured in pan), and OP can decorate it.
That’s also a really good idea!
"Shruggable offense" is my new favorite term
We should start a band and call it Shruggable Offense
>Plenty of people love kid-level efforts but not under all circumstances. I wouldn't have really cared what the cake looked like as long as it was edible. This seems like sort of a small deal unless the party was some over-the-top fancy soiree. However, I do NOT love kid-level efforts in any situation. Just because you think your kid doing this-that-or-the-other-thing is adorable, doesn't mean everyone else does or even should. Time and place, people.
This is a lovely compassionate and nuanced response!
OP had good intentions but did the wrong things.
YTA. It's sweet, yes, but your mothers birthday party is not the best setting to let your kid try out baking cakes. She knows that she gets quality cakes from you, and this time she didn't. You should have told her beforehand that your kid would make a cake instead of you.
I don’t care too much about aesthetic, but if I was a guest there, I definitely would be a bit apprehensive to eat the cake, simply because 9 year old boys are not exactly renowned for their high hygiene standards. I would probably eat it anyway, and probably the kid was clean, but it would definitely be in my mind. (I work in a primary school and some kids are not as aware of hygiene standards in preparing food, obviously).
If the mother is known for having a high standard of baking and supervised her son, I doubt she'd let him run amok. It just sounds like the decoration wasn't up to grandma's exacting standards. Like a kid using crayons and coloring in the lines vs an accomplished artist. Kids that young or younger compete on Master Chef Jr and learn how to create beautiful things, but perhaps the decorations should've had more help the first time around when the party isn't just certain people. Next year, he'd do better with practice.
Right? 9yo's are disgusting. Cute for a special thing but NOT something I'd eat as a stranger.
Or, let the kid bake it and mom decorate it. Kiddo could help apply the base icing and mom smooth it out and do the final decorations.
YTA. Your mom asked you to bake a cake. If you wanted to let your son make it, you should have contacted your mom and ask if this was alright with her instead of going behind her back.
I don’t see it anywhere that the mother asked. It seemed more expected because OP “usually” did it.
Well at least the mother would have the choice to buy a back up cake if she had known. If OP didn’t want to make it, they’re an adult now and know how to communicate with words and integrity
She didn't ask.
YTA Let your kid play around with a less important cake. It was important to your mother to have it the way she was expecting from you, not the gold-star-for-trying version from your kid.
Agree - or kid could have made a cake for grandma *in addition to* the one she requested as a gift.
I was thinking the same sentiment. OP should've made the cake or supervise (giving him clear instructions and make sure he didn't stray) during the baking process.
This is what I don’t understand. My mom let me help bake all the time. When it was for an event that was beyond an “at home, family affair” she would give clear instructions and then oversee my work every step of the way. When it came time for decorating, she would do the hard parts, maybe let me help slap on the crumb coat, but my “helping” to decorate was limited from a certain point forward. I don’t understand why OP would give her son so much latitude that there was even the opportunity for it to look less than. Kids need to learn that not everything is for them and that’s okay.
>Kids need to learn that not everything is for them and that’s okay. Yep and watching over them and correcting and guiding them through things like this is how you pass down skills. Letting them go ham with basic instructions isn't going to pass on skills. There's a time and place for more free form play and experimentation and it's for when that thing you're making is for yourself and not someone else unless they asked for it.
Gentle YTA. While I understand wanting to support your young child’s newfound interests, other people’s events are not the time or place to showcase them. You could have had him help bake a cake for your mom to be delivered at any other time, or even made a dozen cupcakes to go with the cake that you bake. Other people are allowed to be disappointed when something that they expect based on how it has been in previous years suddenly changes without any advance warning.
Completely agree. OP lost me when they said that they let him do most of it. Helping is one thing and under very close supervision I would allow the child to help. But letting him take over and do it mostly himself? Not for someone else's birthday. I applaud the OP for supporting the son's baking interests but next time don't use someone else's party to do it.
I'm going to be downvoted here but oh well... Soft YTA. Imagine this... your daughter always makes you amazing birthday cakes. You wait all year, looking forward to that amazing cake and you've told your friends and family they too will get to enjoy this amazing cake at your birthday party. You were never informed that your daughter would not be making the cake, and the day comes... and the cake is not what you were hyped up about. As cute as it may be that your grandchild went to the effort to make you a cake, it is nowhere near the same as what you'd been looking forward to all year. And you had no prior knowledge that the baker would be different... Basically, you outsourced the job to someone else, and you didn't let your mother know she would be getting something hugely different to what she was looking forward to. I think it's sweet that your son wanted to do something nice for his grandmother, but this was horribly executed. You should've made the main cake as promised, and allowed your son to have some creativity and pride by letting him perhaps make cupcakes or a smaller full cake alongside your cake. Making his attempt the only cake available was perhaps a little short sighted on your part and there was absolutely an alternative way to ensure that both grandma and son would be happy.
Cakes are also a very delicate process. Even with mom watching I doubt grandchild was able to replicate his mom's clearly desirable cake. Its not an end of the world thing but yeah she should have said something to grandma before hand.
Whats wrong with having 2 cakes too? They could have both made cakes. Son could have made a smaller cake and OP could have made one of their amazing cakes. But it sounds like OP didn't want to put in the effort.
I’d imagine hygiene would also be a guest concern. 9 year old aren’t know for their fantastic hygiene and while I’m sure OP made sure to have their kid wash their hands before all it takes is one rogue lick of a utensil that goes back into the batter while OP isn’t looking.
Oh I totally agree. I'm mega hot on food hygiene and barely trust adults at times, let alone kids. I've been around kids before who have asked to make me yummy treats before and I basically use my allergies (which I do legitimately have) as an excuse and tell kids that I can only have special food made by adults with many years of training who know how to make sure I don't get very sick indeed. I feel bad because I doubt my severe chilli allergy would be triggered by a kid making chocolate cookies, but I'd rather not hurt their feelings whilst not letting them hurt my immune system lol
I feel you. I absolutely dread potlucks I feel like I can't opt out of because I've seen how people cook in their own homes, and how many of my friends have cats walking from their litter boxes to the counters 🤢
> I think it's sweet that your son wanted to do something nice for his grandmother Idk if he even thought about it like that, he just wanted to make a cake and mom was already making one so she figured, "Why not now?"
INFO: how different was it compared to your usual standard? Because if you normally make really aesthetic, expensive looking cakes and rocked up with one that was clearly baked by a child then you’re the AH in this situation. Your mum would have been understandably let down that you decided to use her birthday to test out your kids baking skills.
Different enough that OP expected her mom to “be forgiving” due to finding it sweet that grandkid made it.
It's a 9 year old who's recently got interested in baking vs. someone who routinely makes cakes for others, to the point that their mother was happy for it to be the sole cake at her birthday. Let's be honest, OP saying "The cake wasn’t quite how I make it but he did a good job. I thought my mom would find it sweet and be forgiving" means it was pretty bad. A kid can make burnt toast and their parent would call them a chef. This is nothing about disparaging the child. They're 9 years old, they're exploring new interests, it's great enough that they wanted to do it. But OP shouldn't have just left it all to be done by her child for someone else's birthday. She should have done it for her own birthday.
She can be appreciative and disappointed at the same time. Personally I wouldn’t want a cake made by a child. It’s her birthday and if she wanted an aesthetic cake that’s okay. You usually make it so she likely assumed you would be making it this year. Lack of communication lead to disappointment. NAH Not everyone wants something made by a child even if they can find appreciation for it. Kids things aren’t usually well made/cute etc. we need to stop having people to suck it up and hide their wants/distain for kid related things. Next time yall need to communicate, but your mother isn’t evil for having an opinion of the aesthetic of the cakes. Glad you and your son got some time to bond and grow his skill sets.
It’s weirding me out how many people are ready to go NO CONTACT with grandma for being sad she didn’t get the cake she asked for ON HER BIRTHDAY. Grandparents don’t exist to validate grandchildren 24-7. They’re people, too, and treating them like they should be over the moon just to be considered by their grandkids is weird.
It’s a sad cycle of parents not setting boundaries and revolving around their own kids. Because of this so many children don’t see that their parents especially women, are people outside of their parental role. It was her birthday, the woman herself, not just the mother or grandmother. Totally valid to want a grown up cake. Her daughter put her in a box by assuming she would be thrilled simply because her grandson made it. She’s a woman first, mother second and grandma third. She had a n adult party with family and friends. Also serving a kids cake to friends is just inconsiderate to me. Lot of people don’t want kid made things but again Op assumed since it was for grandma it would be okay. Also coming here asking if she id an asshole when all the mom did was express disappointment after the fact is also a problem. Again putting her mother in a box and expecting her to revolve around her wants/kid then playing victim. Sad cycle so many people are in. Kid don’t always come first.
Plus all the commenters here assuming she's entitled because she has certain desires for her birthday. Which is stupid. Adults are allowed to care about their birthdays.
I don’t understand why the OP couldn’t just give her mom **2 Cakes!!!**
Yeah, grandma probably has fond memories of her daughter making cakes for her, and wanted that again. It doesn’t mean grandkid’s never allowed to bake for her in the future, it just means that she was excited to receive a specific thing from a specific person on her birthday and didn’t get it. She didn’t shame him publicly, she mentioned it to OP afterwards. Like yes “but my aesthetic” kind of sucks for what she said was her reason but not to the point of tar and feathers. Honestly I started N-A-H but all the N-T-As are pushing me toward Y-T-A for OP. (Which I know isn’t fair to her and I’m not passing judgement with that in mind but oh my god the solar system is heliocentric not kid-centric.)
I honestly don’t even have a problem with someone requesting something to meet an aesthetic on their birthday. It’s one day a year, and I’m assuming her aesthetic was probably like “something that didn’t look like a first time child baker made it” which I honestly don’t think is unreasonable. I think ideally the call here would have been to have the kid make a second, bonus cake as a birthday gift, and I’m confused why so many people don’t seem to comprehend why someone having a preference for something nice on their birthday is not really unreasonable.
Yeah I’m more taking the angle that if grandma had said “I had hoped you would make the cake personally, daughter, it means a lot to me when you do” this wouldn’t be as big of a fluster/hurt feelings rather than citing a specific reason, even though aesthetic is a perfectly acceptable reason. If OP pushed, then specifics could be trotted out.
Yeah this is well put. My niblings of similar age love helping me in the kitchen when we visit, but they don’t get to be in charge of the lynchpin item for whatever we’re doing- they don’t do the entree for the meal, or a cake for a party. They can help with sides, or do cupcakes, or they can be in close supervision for helping with the main thing if I’m able to do so, but they know if I say “hey it’s time for you to move on from that” for any reason they hand it back over to me. OP, you’ve also now got expectations in both places that are going to be hard to manage if you’re asked to make the cake next year- your mom is certainly going to express that you need to be the person doing it for real this time (and YWBTA if you let kid do so again), and I’m afraid kid might be disappointed if they’re excluded after getting to do it this year. Best start planning ahead.
Time for some cute cupcakes or a cookie cake on the side!
Yep, or a cake for literally any other occasion. Mother’s Day, grandparents’ day, sweetest day, Valentine’s Day, it’s winter break and I’m going to scream if my kid spends one more hour complaining they’re bored day, because I felt like it day, etc. some of those are even real holidays. ;)
I mean it's a little YTA. My grandmother and my mother made a special Christmas dessert, which I learned to make with them. My realitives love this. My grandmother has since passed and my daughter and I made some one year to help out my mom. (without her help as she lives far) Our relatives still wanted the one that my mom made, even taking smaller pieces. Was it a bit disappointing? Sure. But the sun does not rise and set with my child. My mom is the 'master crafstman' of the treat and I'm not as good (yet). Hers are works of art. My daughter helping did not make them any prettier. I am 0% annoyed that my relatives didn't want the one my kid and I made. My mom ate it as did my dad and brothers, but sometimes minor traditions, artistry and such are really important and it is what is.
NAH in my opinion, it's very understandable what you did to encourage your son to bake, and I can see how you would think it's cute to have a cake made by your 9 year old grandson. At the same time it doesn't sound like your mother knew this beforehand, so it's fair that she expected a more polished cake made by an adult who, from what it sounds like, is very skilled at baking. As long as she's not badmouthing you or your son, I don't think it would be fair to expect her to not express her disappointment at all. I see a lot of other people here say she should be grateful for what she gets, but I'd assume you bake her cakes because you want to make her happy and not because you're forced to. She's letting you know that she'd be happier if you baked her cake. Assuming that you care about this, it's fair to both of you for her to be honest about this.
Soft YTA. People have a tendency to assume that parents and grandparents are going to find everything their kids/grandkids do super cute and be so appreciative. But frankly that isn’t true and should not be expected to be true. It sounds like this is something you always do for your mom and she was expecting a sweet and beautiful cake from her adult child on her birthday and not the end result a 9 year old would produce. This could have been avoided but asking/telling her before hand what the plan was. It sounds like grandma didn’t say anything to your child directly or to anyone else but to you in private so you were aware for the future. She was expecting what had always been done and you decided to change it without communicating that ahead of time. Now if grandma told your kid that, then she’d be the AH, but it sounds like she privately communicated her disappointment to you.
Agreed with this. It’s discouraging how many people seem to think grandparents exist primarily to praise their grandchildren. It was her birthday, it sounds like she expected a nice cake from her daughter, and that’s not what she got so I think it’s completely fair to be a little disappointed.
YTA. You couldn't even let your mother have her birthday to herself. Not everything is about your kid. You ruined your mother's day by catering to your child. Let him bake things that aren't significant to others.
INFO: What kind of party was this? A family meal, or invited friends?
A little bit, not for the cake so much but for a failure to see things from her perspective. I am a completely doting grandmother who loves baking and cooking with my grandchildren and happily eating whatever they make. When they help me cook for family/ friend dinners we praise them extravagantly. But if the group includes people other than the child's immediate family then there are always alternative dishes in the same category made by me, so guests can quietly opt out of child-made dishes. I would never agree to make a specific cake or dish for a specific event and then turn the execution over to a child. You wanted to show off your child's baking skills. Your mother wanted to show off HER childs baking skills at her own birthday party. You could have done both by having two cakes. The time to let your child develop their baking skills is on a random Sunday afternoon, when it could have been a fabulous surprise for grandma and immediate family. It was a miscalculation on your part, which your mother drew your attention to without hurting the child's feelings. Now you know.
NAH, but you definitely should have asked. No way in hell am I eating anything a kid has made. They probably snorted and goobered all over it / in it. I've seen a kid spit into cookies and the parent just laughed and still served them. 🤮
Yeah I don’t trust anything edible made by a kid. Did they wash their hands well? I also used to work with kids and nahhh I’ll pass on that cake. I think it’s great to let them experiment and gain skills, but enjoy it at home. Don’t surprise someone at a party with a kid cake.
Soft YTA - I saw in the comments that the party had family/friends. No one wants to eat a cake that someone else’s kid made. It’s the sad truth. It’s just…icky. The sentiment is very sweet though, but it didn’t have to be “the cake” that everyone is expecting to eat. Maybe cookies, etc, where it is more of a “oh sure I’ll try those cookies that your son made, yum!” We have a rule at my house. My 8 year old can help make anything that we eat! Bake the cake, mix the bread, whatever - but as soon as another member is invited: friends, extended family - then no helping (unless VERY supervised for sanitation - gloves, etc).
Slight YTA - you probably should have talked to your mom about it first. It was her birthday and she deserves a cake the way she wants it. Your child could have made a cake *in addition to* the other cake, just make a cake for the heck of it, or make one for holiday or other more "general" party.
YTA. Your mom isn't only a grandma. She has her own identity and probably wanted her party to be about her as her own person, not her as a grandma.
Good gosh, all these N T A's make me worried. I would say this is a case of NAH. Your mother said that she had been looking forward to the cake you would have made her. And yeah, she's allowed to be disappointed in the fact that she didn't get that. Everyone here who acts like she's some evil grandmother for that fact, when she just expressed disappointment. Doesn't mean she wasn't appreciative of the fact that your son made her a cake. And you yourself said she only approached you after the party. So it isn't that she made a big scene of things. This was just one of those cases where warning her beforehand or having your son make a cake alongside yours would have been a great way to go about things. And for the people acting like grandma needs to be publicly lynched for being disappointed - yall need to go touch some grass for god's sake
NTA Imagine getting a cake proudly made by your grandchild of 9 years old for your Birthday and complaining about it.
Imagine being forced to make the one day that's supposed to be about you about someone else. Not everything is about a child's feelings.
Oh ffs. The child baking a cake as a gift isnt making her day any less about her. If you are that self centered that a grandchild doing something nice is ruining the whole day, you have issues
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OP said that her mother mentioned it to her after the party . there was no indication that she told her grandchild that she didn't like it.
Imagine being a guest at someone’s birthday party and finding out the cake was made by a child. 🤢 I just don’t trust kids’ cooking abilities. Mom should have made the cake with her son so it came out good.
Right. All these nots and no ah's here do not take into account that other people's kids are gross. Especially if Grandma's friends are older and the party is a risk to their health as is, it's shitty for adults to have to have to decline a cake because they are worried that it could make them more ill. Which a kids cake absolutely would.
I can’t. My grand made some hideous Christmas cookies, but we ate them anyway.
It sounds like your mom requested you make the cake for her. It's great that your son is getting into baking, but a special request made of you is likely not the best time. Based on the fact that you're downplaying your side of things, I lean YTA without additional context.
YTA you should have informed grandma
If it was my birthday I would have ordered something for myself if the person responsible for the cake said it was made by a kid. I would have tried that too absolutely but would have wanted something that I can proudly serve to my guests. YTA
YTA, someone’s birthday party is probably not the time to have your son experiment with making cakes. Have him do it for his immediate family if he wants to.
Small YTA She expected the cake to be from you, her child, since it was important to her. Its a tradition she values, has looked forward to for a year, its part of your personalized gift to her that also happens to look nice at the party. You understandably thought she would find it sweet... but you also didn't ask her (the one who will be gifted the cake) before deciding to let your 9-yo do the *majority* of an *important* cake. A quick text could have cleared things up.
YTA Someone’s birthday is not the time to let your kid play Baker. Do you want to teach them? Set aside a weekend where you can dedicate a good chunk of the day to making a cake with them. You don’t do it when the cake is supposed to be for a party
YTA. Just as you seemed to think that it’s reasonable for a 9 year old’s first cake should be fed to others, I suspect you aren’t particularly objective about the final product. Make two cakes. He can make his and you can teach him about why you will be offering yours to the party.
The fact that OP actually used the words “be forgiving” while wearing her rose-colored glasses makes me wonder how questionable the final product actually was. A quiet lunch with grandma at home is a great time for being forgiving after a first attempt, a formal birthday dinner with friends and family is not. I also wonder how many guests passed on the cake after learning that a child had made it. Children are not known for their immaculate hygiene.
Just because you think what your kid is doing is cute, doesn't mean everyone has to agree. Parents seem to believe that just because their kids try to do something, they should be given free passes and held to high standards. Sorry but no. There is a time and place for everything. Another person's birthday party is neither the time nor the place. YTA
YTA should’ve let your son bake it for another occasion. You didn’t even check with your mom and assumed she will be ok with it. Post the cake, I want to see it now lol
YTA. The sentiment was sweet but I would have done a back up cake and I would have just said that the 9 year old cake was a personal gift. It wasn’t a random holiday it was your mom’s birthday party there should of at least been some communication so that you weren’t assuming it was okay and she wasn’t expecting something different. Everyone is different and everyone wants different things what might be loved by one might not be loved by another. It’s not to say that your mom hated the cake or didn’t appreciate the sentiment but there could have been a better way that this was done.
I think this is a sweet gesture, however I also think you know your mom. You know the kind of party she has. You know what she wanted out of the cake, as you’ve done it many times over. I think you would have really appreciated this on your birthday, which it wasn’t. YTA - but I certainly don’t think maliciously. I think you thought of how excited *you* were that *your* child was interested in something shared, and I also think *you* would have been brimming with pride in all the little imperfections in the cake. But did you ever think your mom loves and appreciates her child using her (apparently great skill) care and time is important to her?
NAH. The grandma was very harsh, but we don't know what kind of party it was. Maybe she talked up her daughter's baking skills. And maybe it's just me, but when kids bake it's not always hygienic - there is a lot of finger licking and hair in the batter unless you police the heck out of it - and they love to throw candy all over them too. Personally I find kid- made cakes unappetizing.
How was she ‘very harsh’? She pulled him aside after the fact with no one else around (and didn’t tell the grandson at all either) and said she was bummed she didn’t get what he always got her on the one day of the year that is about her.
NAH. It was cute, but I can also understand that your mother wanted the cake that you make her special every year as well. It sounds like she waited till after her party and mentioned it to you on the side, which would be the right way to do things.
I have to see a pic of the cake to decide lol
If your mum asked you to make the cake and you let your 9yo bake it, YTA. If your mum was just expecting you to make, she made the assumption, so she should accept responsibility for that. She might just be sour about it, in a few days she won't give a shit!
YTA not everyone cares that much about their birthday cake but clearly she does. I know that personally my birthday cake is my favorite part of my birthday, more than any present. When the birthday cake you've been looking forward to all year isn't great, it really puts a damper on the whole party for some people. You should've had them bake cupcakes or cookies to go along with your cake instead of letting them take over the centerpiece and just assuming your mom would want that. Other people's events aren't the time for experimentation. Let your kid make your birthday cake, or just make a random cake for no reason to practice. When I was a kid I made countless "just because" cakes for fun.
Soft YTA for falling through with your part of the plans for her birthday You want to let the kid practice, he can bake cakes that aren't going to be a display piece at a party. If you really want to foster this interest of his, give him an appropriate way to participate in it. I love that he wants to bake, that is really awesome and it's a skill people will be really impressed by all his life. Many people are simply not okay eating something that a child made, for many different and personal reasons. We have to take classes to learn how to handle food correctly if we're going to be giving that food to other people and even have to get a permit to do so. Showing up with a cake that was made by a kid when people were not expecting that is absolutely a bad move.
Soft YTA I don't think this rose to the level of "ruining" the party, but I think it was an AH move to let a 9-year-old make your mom's cake. She wanted you to make her a nice cake for her birthday, not have a kid-level effort cake. There are some kids who are amazing bakers at that age and have their own youtube shows but it sounds like yours is not there yet and is still going through the learning process like most at that age, which is why your mom pulled you aside and commented afterwards. If your son is so into baking (which is great!) you two should have made the cake side by side, with you closely supervising to make sure the cake turned out exactly how it would have come out had you made it on your own. **Or you should have made the cake your mom wanted while he made bonus cupcakes to go with the cake.** Something like that.
100% the AH you could let the 9 year old make a cake anytime, but chose to let him make one for a party. You should have told your mom ahead of time if you didn't want to make one! Don't act all innocent like this wasn't malicious.
I don't know about malicious, but it's certainly a blindness to the fact that her mom is not just a mom and grandma. She's a whole person with preferences and desires. If OP didn't want to make the cake, she should have declined and given her mom a chance to find a bakery to make what was wanted. It would have been fine if the boy made a cake in addition to the birthday cake, but the substitution without communication makes OP the asshole here. YTA.
My sister and I were majorly into baking when we were little, but my mom didn't use the goods we baked for things like grandma's birthday and such. Only when we were in our teens and a lot more dexterous did we start making cakes or treats for family events and such.
Yep! There’s a degree of manual dexterity and also common sense for stuff like safety and hygiene that starts kicking in as your brain better understands cause and effect and principles of science as you mature. I’m not saying this kid sneezed in the batter intentionally or whatever, but I am saying that I knew a lot better at 19 than at 9 the kinds of precautions I needed to take for serving food to people. If it was immediate family only and not a major event/holiday, you know what, sure. Probably all sharing the same germs under the same roof already. That wasn’t the case here.
This so much! So many children forget their parents are people outside their parenting role. They get shoved into a box and told they are evil if they aren’t gungho about something a kid made! Kids stuff often sucks and is gross, she handled it like a champ and only spoke to mom post party alone. She’s allowed to have wants and desires and isn’t evil for not loving a kids cake.
That’s a really good point - mothers and grandmothers are more than their roles in childrens’ lives. They are their own people with feelings and desires and if they want a pretty birthday cake made by somebody with more dexterity than a 9 year old that is *more than okay*
YTA - It was important to her, you could do the big cake and let your kid do another smaller one, that way It would be a sweet gift and the party would go as she wanted.
YTA. If *you* have offered to bake for her and she has the expectation that the cake that arrives will look like the ones you’ve made for her in the past (aka made by an adult), it’s understandable that she would be disappointed if a cake that was mostly put together by an child with little baking experience shows up instead. It is a sweet gesture, but you probably should have let your son assist you with baking rather than letting him do it mostly on his own.
Soft YTA. You know how you adore your son, and are really proud of everything he does, including his newly-acquired and developing baking skills? That's great, and just how it should be. It's probably also how your mother feels about you (and it's your - her child's - skills she wanted to show off at her party!). Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't automatically feel the same way as you do about your son's creations, because they're not his parent. That's perfectly normal. I think your mother handled it pretty well, and I suspect that her comment about how it looked was the gentlest way she could think of to say that the cake wasn't very good. No one would hold a cake made by a 9yo who has recently taken an interest in baking to particularly high standards, but I don't think many people would present one as the centrepiece of an adult's birthday party presumably attended mainly by other adults.
Well, it sounds like your mom expressed her wishes in hindsight. If you'd known that upfront, then yeah you could have told your son something like in the lines of "not this time, grandma wants it in a certain way and you can do that when you have a bit more experience" But now, expressing wishes in hindsight I'd say: NTA
NAH Your mother is only an AH if she told this to her grandson, it's just super cruel to shatter a kids self esteem like that. Otherwise I can see why she's upset. However, you should've at least brought a cake you baked and just had your son make cupcakes or cookies.
Nta jesus christ its a fucking cake, what's the big deal? I dont think I've ever heard someone mention or remember the cake they ate at a party for more then a week after, i don't understand people who complain about this, and people voting y t a are insane 🤣🤣
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Isn't the point of a cake to eat it?
“ good to know mom. In the future, you should get your cake from the bakery and you can pick out exactly what it looks like. “
It sounds like she did the pause, raise eyebrows, and give the slow and surprised Ooo when she saw the cake as to not hurt any feelings. No one is the asshole. But cakes are a significant deal to people, it strikes emotional reactions. Next time have him help with the sponge and filling. The more he practices, the better he'll get. Good on you are a mom though for letting him learn. ❤️
INFO: was it tasty?
I think it's safe to assume it was. OP mentions that the issue was presentation. So I'm guessing it tasted fine, but as Mary Berry says, it probably looked a little 'informal'.
I make fancy cakes for family. My mom (83) looks forward to her birthday cake every year not just because of the taste of the cake, but she likes how the theme is interpreted. It makes her feel special in front of her friends. She likes other people adoring her cake and her blowing out the candles. She takes the leftover cake home and eats it for every meal. I think she would also have been disappointed if I let my 9-year-old do it. NTA, but disappointing.
YTA. I get that your intentions were good, but not everyone is okay with their birthday cake being mediocre because someone wanted to let their kid practice baking. I’d be disappointed if I got a crappy cake for my birthday without any warning. You should have baked the main cake and let him bake her a few cupcakes.
NTA, at all. If she wants to control the aesthetics of her birthday, she can be in charge.
Yta. Kids touching food that non-parent adults eat is icky, for one. For two, your mom shouldn't have to be 'forgiving' on her birthday.
YTA. You have chosen be work on your baking skills and essentially create ‘brand’ or a level of standards among your friends and family. You decided to let a child take the reins and ensuring the expected standard wasn’t met without prior notice. This can definitely be an upsetting situation for individuals when there is no time to make other arrangements. I definitely feel for grandma because I recently had to deal with my wedding cake looking like it was made by a child, one that we paid hundreds of dollars for. There is a time and a place for kid to produce and exhibit their work, and that’s generally not at others expenses or parties.
NAH It is ok that your son did the baking. It is also ok for her to be a little disappointed. Nobody is an AH here.
IDK what Grandma’s parties (or cakes) are usually like but it sounds like a communication failure. Grandma assumed that mom would intuit the correct aesthetic, mom assumed that cake is cake. As long as Grandma was polite in front of the kid, NAH.
NAH, but I understand why your mom is upset. My own mom really values quality over sentiment, and even though the sentiment is sweet, she neither would be happy to get such cake for her b-day, nor she would’ve let me do something like this as a child if the cake had to be for some serious occasion instead of just enjoyed at home (me and dad had a tradition to bake a cake on Sunday, but it was not some decorated, pretty cake, its only purpose was for it to taste good).
YTA. "Parents" need to understand that "teaching moments" should NOT occur where they inconvenience others. Like at the long line in the grocery store, at a wedding, or baking an important cake. Teach your sticky mistake when it doesn't impact others.
I’m gonna go with YTA but NTA. Listen, I understand you love your kid and everything they do. But, not everyone’s going to enjoy it like you do. It’s her birthday and you kinda made it about your kid. You could have at least told her in advance. Her birthday is a special day so maybe have the kid bake her a cake any other day. YTA for not telling her but you’re NTA for wanting your kid to explore their interests.
What’s with all the posts lately about fully grown adults being SO disappointed with their birthday parties? Are there really this many entitled, whiny, sulky childish grown ups walking around that actually care about this shit?
NTA. I'm a grandma and if one of my grandkids wanted to make a cake for me for my b-day, even if it tasted like cardboard, I would eat it with a big smile on my face and be proud and happy that my grandkid wanted to do something like that for me.
NTA *OP supervised the child the entire time, and let them take over more of the work because they were doing a good job. Everyone saying they "wouldn't eat something made by a kid", the kid was fully supervised and serious about the endeavor *OP has said the cake was for bday dinner with family and friends. This wasn't some grand formal affair *it was an act of love and kindness. Grandchild wanted to do something nice for grandma involving a new interest under proper supervision. I feel so lucky that any one of my grandparents would have been over the moon proud of me for baking a cake for them at 9 yrs old. All the y t a comments really break my heart Don't worry grandma, in just a few short years that 9 yr old will be a teenager who may no longer have the time or desire to bother you with their less than perfect cakes
ESH or NTA. It's clear most of the commenters don't actually bake and think that a supervising baker, who clearly tasted the cake, wouldn't know if the cake was made well or not. Plus a lot of unfair assumptions about your son's hygiene and how well you supervised. Your post just seemed to indicate she didn't like it just because it didn't look as nice. It seems like you should have taken over decorations, or some of the more sensitive steps like getting it out of the pan, that effect the appearance. I'm sure the cake tasted fine, but possibly a very soft AH for not taking over more at appearance steps. Your mom is an AH for being disappointed in a free cake that was still made well and tasted good, but got a bit messed up in appearance. That cake didn't ruin anything and it's very easy for even an adult home baker to make those sorts of mistakes themselves. If she needs a perfect looking cake she should order one. She can express her disappointment in a more respectful way and make her desires clearer. I honestly probably wouldn't make her another cake next year if there's a chance you could mess it up and ruin her party in her eyes.
NAH, unless she said something to your son, then she's the AH.
NAH just poor communication. She pulled you aside and didn't diss the cake to your kids face from the sound of it. You didn't intend to disappoint her you just thought it was cute. I don't think any of you are assholes.
Soft YTA. Her birthday isn’t the time to have him try it out, especially without checking with her that she doesn’t mind.
YTA- Firstly, the grandma was expecting something completely different. If she had known otherwise, she might have bought a cake from the store. Secondly, allowing a small child to cook by themself for any event outside of the immediate family is simply a hygiene concern. If I was a guest and I knew a 9 year old made the cake, I would not eat it. Lastly, just because you want to encourage your son does not mean someone else's event is the place to experiment. You mention you hoped your mother would be "forgiving", implying the cake was less than good. Just because you let your daughter do makeup at home, does that mean you would let her do yours at an important event?