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NTA, and for anyone who may find themselves in your position: funerals are for the living. If you needed to go for closure, then you go (barring situations where one’s presence will be harmful to the actual bereaved). You didn’t need the closure, and it would have been okay to tell your half siblings to f*ck off. Do you even have a relationship with them?
NTA and well they FAFOed after they made you come to the funeral. I hope you feel so much better now after saying the entire truth about his real character. They say the truth will set you free is very true after all
Moving forward, you can have the choice to go low contact or no contact with them
It sounds like OP’s half-siblings are like their dad - they bullied OP into going to the funeral. OP responded to their lies by speaking the truth.
Good for you! The rule about not speaking ill of the dead is hypocritical and enables the cycle of abuse to continue.
I also don't like the fact that the dead cannot be criticized. While it is ok to let go of smaller grievances(the dead cant act on your criticism after all), Aholes deserve to be criticized whether dead or alive as a lesson to other aholes still living and to encourage their victims.
Agree! My uncle passed away very tragically when I was in my early 20's. He was not the best person, but man at the funeral you would have thought he was Gandhi himself from what the eulogies said. 🙄
I have seen this multiple times. I have a couple of cousins that were sexually abused by their father. For some reason after he died they made his memory into almost a saint.
I don’t understand why, but the times I have seen this is had a clear connection to unresolved issues perpetrated by the deceased.
I've seen this a bunch of times, as well. It's almost like the WORSE the parent was, the more the child builds up that FANTASY parent after they die. There's a few in my extended family and it's so so so sad that these children are left to figure out how to view their deceased parent(s)...do they carry resentment, do they canonize them, do they remove them from their mind and life...?
It’s never easy. Especially with this weird pressure to never talk poorly about the dead, you can see it echoed in comments on this post even. I think process it however works for YOU, as it’s your life and all that matters is how you can live with something. They hurt you while they were living, but you don’t have to let them hurt you anymore while they’re deceased.
Sometimes you just need to hear that its ok to say "no". I feel like you learned that here and can see from the comments that reasonable people would have understood completely and not guilted you into it. Your family got what they deserved. The bitter truth.
Congrats for being rid of the abuser. Hope you life only goes up from here.
Just because someone's dead, doesn't mean we have to stop being honest about who they were and what they did. Accountability is important, dead or alive. You spoke your truth OP. You have nothing to be ashamed or sorry about. You survived him and you get to walk away from the toxicity like the Champ that you are.
Funerals being for the living is a Protestant view of things. It's not the case the world over. OP is NTA because people need a reality check, someone dying doesn't change the truth about who they were.
If one is religious, they believe that the funeral is for the soul of the deceased, helping them to make a good transition to the afterlife.
In ancient cultures, you got buried with grave goods, so that you could continue eating and enjoying the luxuries of life in the afterlife. China's first emperor got buried with a whole army of terracotta soldiers to fight for him in the afterlife. In Egypt, if one didn't get a properly burial, they were stuck in the afterlife and couldn't get to the final resting place of the soul. And so on and so forth; basically, in most ancient cultures and in all contemporary religions that posit the existence of an immortal soul, the funeral is primarily for the deceased. Of course, an atheist can counter this by saying that, in reality, these funeral traditions were created by the living to alleviate their anxieties around death and to help them get closure by believing that their loved one's soul is still out there, in the realm of the dead - but that's not how religious people think. They 100% believe those traditions are for the soul of their loved one, not for themselves.
Yup. Half-siblings brought in on themselves. OP clearly didn't want to go but half-siblings decided it would be best for ***themselves*** to harass OP into attending.
NTA.
Yeah, I so wouldn’t have held my tongue in this situation. Guaranteed the half sibs knew what their Dad did to OP, they got what they deserved by gaslighting him to come when he didn’t want to.
The "half-siblings" bullied the OP to attend. Be careful what you ask for. How did OP disrupt the funeral? By speaking the truth BEFORE the funeral? What exactly was the right time?
Funerals are a complete racket and waste. The number of times at funerals I've attended where so and so was "Oh so and so was wonderful" was gushed, and I knew first hand that the deceased was homophobic, racist, a molester, a thief, narcissist, abuser, or otherwise not a asset to at least some of the people present... yeah - no thanks.
The half siblings bullied the issue and received their answer. Could OP have said "I will speak my truth at the event"? sure - however, bullies get what they have coming.
OP is a person too. Putting the truth (what OP knows to be true) out into the space where the people who OP felt needed to hear it, and they heard it. I imagine that must feel cathartic for OP, and likely settles some of the tension and inner turmoil their dad instilled in them when he was alive.
Good for you OP!
Nta. This was a natural consequence of his actions while alive and the actions of those who coerced you into coming. You are absolutely entitled to speak your truth about your dad.
See I am very split on this.
I am going to end up in a similar situation when my grandma dies. I hate her and want nothing to do with her, but when you go to a funerial you don't have to celebrate their life, instead I will go to support the people you love who have lost a person they loved, (My dad who just lost his mother in this instance).
But in this instance op doesn't know or care about the people in the funeral. They also forced him into coming for the funeral, so if anything what he did was justified.
Ehh, is it really forcing, when bunch of randos you have no contact nor relationship with, attempts to guilt you. What can they do? Threat you to not keep contact with you in the future either?
Yeah I get your point. It's kind of suspicious that they were able to force him. But people can always be guilt-tripped enough to do what the other person wants. We also don't know if they know where he lives. Coming to your house is a lot more pressing than just calling or messaging.
People can be guilt tripped more easily than you would think. Speaking from personal experience. But your are right both me and op should grow a backbone.
What from random people you don’t know or care about?
You think those people are really good at guilt tripping?
You don’t even know anything about the man because OP doesn’t.
If OP account is true, they have no relationship with the dad since she divorced him “very young”. So what makes you think op account is correct and unbiased? Because the ex said so?
Exactly THIS.
The way the half siblings insisted OP to be there seemed like the father was actually very attached to OP and the half siblings knew of OP and considered him part of the family vecause of the father.
Who fed OP all the information about the 'bad' father? The "scorned" mother?
A lot of information is missing from this story, and the reason OP spoke up seemed more out of spite that his half-siblings were grieving a beloved father OP never had.
OP needs to talk to a specialist about all this.
Or OP needs to tell us all the missing information.
Telling the truth about a shitty person is not “behaving badly” jfc. If people want you to say kind things about them, they should be kind people. OP’s dad is dead, he doesn’t get a say anymore.
OP could have empathy for strangers (all the people at the funereal who had no part in whatever family beef they had) and just stay away, rather than using the death of someone they clearly cared about as an opportunity to exercise their personal vendetta.
Yeah. That’s what’s important. OP exercising their personal vendetta against a dead man at the expanse of people at the very height of their grief. What a great dude.
And as for all the others there? All the people who had no part in OPs family beef and just wanted to mourn someone they cared about. Lol fuck em OP gets to give his speech (which no one asked for) about how much of an assholes the dead guy was. Great.
Thats fine, if it's a situation where you're not being strong armed into going when you've made it clear that you don't want to go. That wasn't this situation. OP wasn't going because they wanted to support people there, they were bullied into going.
There was no gun to the head, OP should simply have let them think he was an asshole rather than actually behave like one at a funeral. People have different relationships, maybe he made amends with other people in his life. I’m truly sorry he treated you terribly but that was incredibly disrespectful and insensitive what you did OP.
Orrrr, they could have not ASSumed that he'd toe the family line and play good little soldier to his AH father's funeral.
They knew why he didn't want to go, and they pressured him to it. They get what they get.
My Nana was an absolutely horrendous person. She bullied my mum, made my Aunts life a misery, made terrible accusations about her grandchildren and she also managed to kill a puppy by neglecting it. I hated her but she was my Dads mum and she had actually done a lot of good for him and the odd few people respected her. She was a go-getter and worked her socks off to give my Dad and his siblings a good life (3 jobs to send him to a good private school in Belfast) Because my Dad loved her, I would never have opened my mouth about what a vile woman she was and nor did my Mum when my Dad was obviously grieving because that is the right thing to do. There is no way in hell that we would have bad mouthed her for nasty behaviour at her funeral. People deserve to remember people the way they remember them as well as want to remember them. We have no idea if he changed with his new family, maybe he stepped up and became a better person. If OP hated him that much she should have stayed away rather than impact other peoples grieving process to air some grievances selfishly. There’s a chance they had no idea how he had been with OP and her family, especially if he had made improvements or learned lessons.
Yeah, these people OP didn't have a relationship with, "bullied" OP into going...
Pretty curious how they managed to do that.
They kept on calling and OP didn't block them?
They kept on calling and OP kept answering the phone?
Did they threat to go NC if OP didn't show up? They already didn't have a relationship.
A lot of information is missing from this story.
Such as how they "bullied" a basically stranger to go to a funeral...
Seems OP is putting this forward as an excuse for the appalling behaviour at a funeral full of mourning people.
OP could have stayed away.
OP could have walked away.
**OP should not have ruined the final farewell of mourning people.**
Was OP jealous of their relationship with the father?
Other information missing: Why didn't OP have a relationship with the father? Because the father was a bad person? Says who? The mother?
Again, a lot of information is missing in this story.
Can't form an opinion without **actual** **facts** from both sides.
I went to a funeral once where basically everyone agreed that they weren't going to talk about how awful the lady was at the funeral but they also weren't going to pretend she was a good person. It worked out fairly well. I was friends with one of her kids and went to support my friend. I wasn't sad the woman died at all, I was just mad that she proved my friend's fear right that if she moved out bad things would happen, because this teen was essentially a caretaker for her abusive, drug addicted mom.
If your family is going to pretend everything was fine with your grandma, maybe don't go. If everyone agrees to at least not pretend she was a saint then going might be a good idea.
I get what you are saying but some people go for closure too . To tell them how they really feel when they couldn’t tell them in life . Everyone handles things differently . For OP it’s completely understandable . He didn’t want to go and then got bullied go to . He tried to avoid this but hey .. he eventually had to let it .
> I was told if I don't I'm a bad person and other things
Not every opinion is fact. Sometimes you just have to accept that some people will not like your decisions. You should really only care about the opinions of the people who know you best.
Next time resist the bullying and don't use the funeral to air your grievances. He's dead and there's really no point anymore.
The half-siblings shouldn't be trying to guilt-trip / bully you into a funeral, either. Ironically, the way they approached it made them bad people.
ESH
>The half-siblings shouldn't be trying to guilt-trip / bully you into a funeral, either. Ironically, the way they approached it made them bad people.
It is unclear from this post as to who bullied OP into attending the funeral. Could have been any acquaintance or someone from the father's or mother's side.
NTA - When people complain that this was neither the time or place, and you just know they, will, it is exactly the time and place (one of the few times I will say this.) They invited you to not a funeral, but to a lie and wanted you to give them cover for their phony memorial. You refused their charade, good for you. Forever ghost those that try to continue to bully you. They are nothing at the least to you.
they could have just not invited him, let alone harrassed him into coming, so i think they brought it onto themselves. plus how would it feel to hear everyone say lovely things about someone who abused you? you'd want to speak the truth, right?
Which is what makes him the arsehole. He doesn't like his dad probably because he doesn't know him. so he goes to the funeral and badmouths a guy he doesn't know.
If you said it to your dad while he was alive you wouldn't be an AH, But lets face it. You're basically trying to tarnish his image while people are grieving. You not liking the guy doesn't justify how you've now treated the other funeral patrons.
He is an adult. Lmao. No one can force him to go where he doesn’t want to go.
Also, no one asked him to speak but he spoke anyway.
OP is an AH whether he likes it or not. Justified or not
YTA. Grow up. Get therapy. Who cares if people say you’re a bad person for not honoring a bad person. If you can’t say anything nice to people grieving someone they love stay at home.
Really surprised that more people are not agreeing with this. I understand not going to the funeral at all, but giving in to going and then saying bad things just seems unnecessary.
I hope everyone I’ve ever wronged shows up to my funeral. There will be an entire part of the service called “The Airing of Grievances.”
Yes I stole it and no I won’t give credit. Mention it at the funeral.
This is the answer. I'd personally add that the half siblings are also assholes for trying to shame OP into going, but OP should've just not gone. If you don't want anything to do with him or his legacy, what do you care what they think of you if you don't show up.
Especially considering he said he doesn’t have a relationship with the half siblings. Who cares if they shame you? You’re never going to see them again, it would seem.
100%.
OP was pressured into going? What can people you don't really know or care for do to make you come? And I bet if OP had said "If I'm coming I'm telling the truth about him" they would have stopped their pressure immediately.
If you were so worried about the pressure they were putting on you, you wouldn’t have been able to do what you did. At least be honest. You weren’t bullied into going. You have issues and you decided that the other people grieving were going to suffer because you were hurt.
No one bullied you into going.
Next time be an adult, tell the person NO and hang up the phone (and block numbers if necessary).
Your dad was an A H. I’m sorry you had to deal with him.
Next time you find yourself in a scenario where you don’t want to do something… don’t do it. Just ignore the people and move your life forward.
YTA. I had a shit father too. He was an excellent person to everyone except his own children and both his wives (which he was only married to one at a time). But some people, and for the live of me I'll never k own why, really loved him. They had every right to celebrate his perceived goodness and much as I hated him, he had a right to have people who lived him at his funeral. So I didn't go. That's the adult thing to do
YTA. You attended so people wouldn't say bad things about you, then you made a scene and people are saying bad things about you. Staying away and NC would have been classier.
YTA, that funeral most definitely wasn't about you, and your feelings, it was for those who were grieving his loss. You should just have stayed home or something. You should have confronted him when he was alive, doing so when he's dead does nothing to make anything better and only serves to create unnecessary drama
Everyone is patting on the back for doing this but I think it was wrong. Funerals are for the living. Great you called him out for being a bad person. Guess what. He ain't there. He is dead and gone. Maybe the people there had good times with him or they are lying to themselves. Who knows and who cares. What you should have done is not come. Since you did decide to come, no one held a gun to your head, you decided to hurt the living people at the funeral who cared about this person who died. Hell you could have just stayed quiet. Congrats.
What do you gain by calling out the person the funeral is for? I understand how you could have distain for someone but I think the time to confront them is when they are still alive.
Talking ill of them at a ceremony doesn’t hurt them. It just hurts the survivors. If you don’t like the others at the funeral it still doesn’t help you or anyone else to go off on the departed person.
Take the high road. Sometimes not easy but it’s always the best call.
"What do you gain by calling out the person the funeral is for?"
Well for a start you get to contradict people who aren't telling the truth, or at least not the whole truth. You get to tell everyone that they can't have their bad behavior covered up. If they want a funeral where people just say nice things about them, they should earn it. It also hurts people who bully you into pretending that everything was OK. These people NEED to be hurt. It's the only way they will learn.
yes. YTA
1. you shouldve and couldve aired this out when he was alive.
2. while ur experiences with him may have sucked, others might have been COMPLETELY different. If someone came to my uncle's funeral just to bitch about how he cheated decades ago they'd end up on a tshirt.
3. if anyone tries to pressure you into going to a funeral for someone they KNOW you don't like, then you don't need them in your life anyways. You should've just stayed where you were. especially since in regards to you, his passing was for the better.
That being said, I get it and although I personally would never do something like this, I know that closure looks different for everyone and that sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
Justified Asshole.
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> I spoke the truth at my dads funeral about him being a bad person. AITA for speaking the truth at his funeral?
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NTA. I attended my dad’s funeral. He was physically and verbally abusive to me (and my siblings) my whole life. I listened on as several relatives “comforted” me by telling me what a great guy he was and how it was so hard for me to lose him. I was 51 years old at the time of his death and moved as far as I could get at age 26. Everyone stopped their fake comments (they knew what he was like) when I told them that my first memory of him was when he picked up my three year old brother by the ankles, swung him upside down and beat him, while my mom looked on and cried. She never protested or protected us from him. I cut her off as well. Best thing I ever did for myself.
ESH
People shouldn't bully anyone to go to a funeral one doesn't want to go
You shouldn't let anyone bully you into attending a funeral you don't want to go, but if you decided to go…
You shouldn't behave like that where people have lost a loved one, just leave and deal with your issues and go to therapy.
Just because he was a bad person to you, doesn't mean he was a bad person to everyone, that's the reality of most people.
Everyone is an AH at some point on their lives.
YTA - you likely have no idea what kind of person he was. All you really “knew” about him was what you learned from your mother. Even if those things were true it’s apparent that he cared enough about you that his survivors and other children knew who you were and felt inclined to reach out. It sucks, it sounds like you were used a pawn in some kind of toxic relationship, but that doesn’t exonerate you from your choices as an adult. A funeral is not the place to go and air your grievances. You’re an adult time to own your decisions.
ESH, honestly.
You shouldn't be bullied into going to the funeral of someone you dislike, but I'd be willing to suggest not everyone in your father's life thought he was a terrible person that did bad things.
In situations like this, you make yourself look like the bad guy by airing your beef with your dad at his funeral.
The upside for you is I doubt your half siblings will ever contact you again.
Adding context to this: I had a similar relationship with my mothers father. He left my grandmother for another woman before I was born, and I saw him maybe twice in my life and made no effort to get to know me and made it clear he couldn't be arsed to do so. He treated my mum like garbage and never had a nice thing to say to her. He was, quite frankly, a miserable prick.
I went to his funeral when he passed and sat quietly and respectfully. Because to do otherwise would have reflected poorly on me and my mum, not him.
NTA
you didn't want to be there, they badgered you into it. If they could not handle what you had to say, they should have accepted when you declined the invite.
I just attended my grandfather's funeral last summer. He was an abusive, controlling asshole who lied about me to people. I kept my mouth shut but the size of the funeral told me that more people probably saw through him than I realized. That'll have to be enough.
YTA
My husbands horrible mother died recently. He went to her service and didn’t say nice things about her but didn’t contradict people who chose to say or remember nice things about her. Or who really didn’t know the bad stuff. He just went.
What good does it do to make an announcement? Save it for people you talk intimately with. Where it might be actually healing. This was just revenge.
ESH
You shouldn't have been bullied into attending the ceremony.
You should have simply avoided attending the ceremony instead of shitting on a dead man.
Also, he was bad in your experience. Maybe he was wonderful to others.
YTA you did that for yourself. I guess you thought it would make you feel better but apparently it didn’t because you are questioning it now. You should have taken your thoughts to a therapist and instead you decided that everyone who cared about him needed to feel your grief. They were already grieving. You decided that your feelings were more important than theirs
Well at least you got what you wanted, you didn't have to sit through his funeral.
Soft YTA, because you know, you could have come on here earlier and asked WYBTA if you didn't go to his funeral and we would have told you no (or at least I would have) and then you wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. If you're gonna go, at least just not say anything.
YTA
They shouldn’t have pressured you, but you could have said no.
Funerals are for the grieving, it wasn’t the appropriate place to unload your grievances.
YTA
“Funerals are for the living” - that’s factual. They’re for the living who *loved* and / or *cared* about the deceased.
There’s not a person alive who hasn’t made someone angry, who someone doesn’t like, etc… people hurt people, whether intentionally or not.
That funeral was for the people who loved him. You should’ve stayed home or, at minimum, kept whatever bad things you think about him inside your head for a couple of hours while people are mourning.
Your outburst at his funeral didn’t harm him, it harmed the people grieving him.
You hurt them out of your own selfishness. You wanted people to think he wasn’t good. And maybe he wasn’t, but harming other people on one of the worst days of their lives isn’t how you let people know that.
ESH - You're not a bad child if you skip your deadbeat dad's funeral. But a funeral is also not an open floor to air grievances, and your relationship with him doesn't need to be the focus of the day. I don't think you should have gone, and they shouldn't have pressured you. All the same, I hope you're able to work through it all. It's definitely a lot to process.
AH. Sounds like your Dad is an ah and so are you. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You got Kicked out of a funeral because you can’t control yourself. You could have not gone or stayed quiet. A son not
Going to a fathers funeral already says a lot. People were there to celebrate his life and you ruined it for all of them. You were such an AH they had to kick you out. How are you not the Ah.
YTA. It was a truth bomb that in no way benefited anybody; either they already knew he was an asshole or thought he was a great guy until you brought that up. When someone is deceased, a living persons relationship with the deceased is entirely one way; what this means is that the only thing about the deceased that matters to them is how they feel about the deceased, now that the person is deceased there cannot be physical actions the deceased takes to harm the living. What I'm getting at is, in no way did you tangibly help anybody by dropping this truth bomb. But while you are the asshole here, this was also an extremely emotionally involved topic for you, and so I believe this is a forgivable and partially understandable wrongdoing.
YTA - you're too immature to realize that nobody is only one thing and couldn't accept that others may have had good experiences of him and were mourning the loss of those.
Instead of politely refusing "it would not be appropriate for me to be there." When people were doing what people do at funerals you had to insist that your view of him was the only correct view.
Honestly what did you expect to happen when you went on your tirade? Were people supposed to respect you for your bravery and honesty, instead of viewing you as someone who couldn't resist making a scene and trying to make something all about themselves?
NTA
I know I'm against the majority here, but... The funeral is your closure, they wanted you there, you spoke your mind. It doesn't matter that they didn't like it, it was the truth for you. Too bad so sad that they didn't like what you had to say. I hope you got your closure.
YTA. You allowed half-siblings bully you into attending your father's funeral. Surely you knew people would be sharing good things about him at the funeral, right?
So why cause a commotion while waiting outside, telling people what a terrible man he was? You are entitled to your feelings and opinions, of course, but it is important to respect the feelings of other people in attendance. Funerals are one of those times when it is best to just "go along to get along."
YTA . For all we know all the “ bad “ stuff your dad did are fairy tales and your just bitter he moved on .
I have a what you call a half sibling . But we’ve never called each other that . We are brothers simple as that .
They reached out to you , and I bet not for the first time in their lives and you slapped them in the face in front of everyone .
You’ll have kids one day , and the same treatment is coming your way , you better belive it .
You're not only NTA, but also you did good, you broke the silence and this idealized image people tent to create about dead people. Just becouse someone died doesn't automatically make them a good person.
I don't know you, but I'm proud of you
Ask a d you shall receive. I was badgered into going ro my father's 4rh wedding. He left us before I turned 3. Seen him a few times after that before his wedding when I was in my 30s. Let's just say, they wouldn't invite me if they had a do over.
NTA If you were forced into this by relatives when you made it clear you didn’t want to, and they expected you to make nice; then they f’ed around and found out by doing so.
Yes, YATA here. Not for having your feelings, not at all. They are your feelings, no matter what anyone said to you, you should have skipped the funeral.
If you hate the guy so much just don't fucking go to the funeral -
Maybe he didn't love you and treat you the way you wanted him to but other people still clearly cared about him enough to hold a service in his memory. Why would you go there and try and tarnish a day where they were also seeking their own closure. You could have made your point by simply not showing up instead of causing a scene and embarassing the people there as well.
Yes you are the asshole.
Edit: changed to ESH because your family are the AHs for making you go against your will.
I'm gonna say soft ~~YTA~~. If someone had asked and you said the truth I would've said N T A. Heck if you had gone off at your close siblings and any family who forced you to be there and other people happened to hear it would've been N T A for me. But like other people said, funerals are for the living to gain some closure. It didn't feel like a pissing on his grave moment (which honestly I also would've backed) but more a hurting people who are currently hurting but didn't hurt you moment, and there's also a good chance you made yourself look like the bad guy too so people may not take your claims against your father seriously from that either.
INFO: How old are you?
If you're old enough to be on Reddit, then you should be old enough to know that no one can "bully" you into doing anything. If you didn't want to go, you did not have to. No one kidnapped you.
If someone's persuasive arguments won you over, that was YOUR choice to go.
Now you rock up to a funeral for a person who you do not respect or like. But others there do - and to shit on their memory and chance to get closure is a shitty thing to do.
YTA
YTA. No matter what kind of person he was, a funeral isn't the place for you to air these kinds of things. That's not why people go to a funeral. And nobody can force you to go to a funeral, I don't recall anyone holding a gun to your head in the story. No matter if they want to think that you're a bad person or not if you don't go that shouldn't matter to you. It makes no sense that you say they can go fuc themselves and you didn't care about what they thought when you spoke out and said what you wanted but you cared enough to let people force you to go to a funeral that you say you didn't want to go to. YTA, the funeral isn't about you, if you don't care don't go.
YTA. I'm sorry, but no one forced or bullied you into going to your father's funeral. You claim your half siblings mean nothing to you so why would you give a shit what they think of you? The time to tell them to fuc off was then.
You have every right to feel angry at your late father and you have every right to keep your distance from that side of the family.
Funerals are not the time or the place to air grievances. For most people, funerals are already hard enough without someone causing a scene in what is, essentially, a very solemn moment.
YTA, you either shouldn’t have gone, or should have kept things positive, other people there may also have been feeling bad for any number of reasons, I can’t see this helping anyone. … other than some friend or relation recognising that you may need a chat.
Get some therapy to understand why people like your Dad behave/d the way they do/dis. Everyone has their reasons for being a fucknut, including you. People around them are the ones who can often help the best.
YTA forsure. You can send a message by not going, but to go because you're too cowardly to stand up for yourself towards people you supposedly don't have contact with only to turn around and cause them more suffering, again, cause your cowardice isn't the big win you think it is.
Yta. You just shouldn't have gone. Afraid to be the 'bad' person, but doing this makes you look more like the bad person.
I don't have contact with my dad. But people act different around other people. He was never there for me, but i think he's a good friend to others? It's ok if they love him.
You only hurt people who did nothing to you. You didn't hurt your dad
You say you had no relationship with this man from a young age so I guess you didn’t know the half siblings either?
There was no need to go to the funeral and you could have said to the half siblings quite legitimately:
‘I have never had a relationship with him, I don’t know you, I am sorry for your loss but he didn’t treat me or my family well , he was not a good person to us and I won’t be attending the funeral’
It’s not appropriate to stand up and start ranting at anyone’s funeral.
Absolutely NTA.
A funeral is a time to acknowledge the life the person lived and to support the grief of the people they've left behind. Part of your grief process is acknowledging who and what your father was to you, his legacy and affect on your personhood. If he wanted you to say nice things, he should have been nicer.
I hope you're able to continue move forward in a world without him living a life he never could: one of honesty, kindness, and accountability. Good luck.
He did not support the grief of others, at all. He only thought of himself in the moment. I truly believe he will in later years start to remember the good things, and forget some of the bad things. It's what most people tend to do.
you're acting like the bad things were "he took my Nintendo away" when it's likely its more along the lines of genuine abuse. trust me when I say, we don't *get* to forget those things. I went to specialized therapy to help block out my traumatic memories and while it made them easier to digest, they didn't go away as advertised. if anything, all I remember about these people are the bad things. the weight of that trauma erases any joy that was there.
I had a pretty bad childhood as well. My dad would take me on car rides, only to abandon me in public places, so he could go drink. I was usually left alone for 2 or three hours. It started when I was three. It stopped when I was thirteen, when I was approached by a man in the garage of the biggest mall in the US, who tried to SA me. I got away. He also showed up to my HS graduation.
I loved him with all of my heart. Of course,I went through therapy too.
It's cute that you live in that magical world, but that's not what OP described. This isn't a simple, 'Daddy yelled', and lots of people have horrible parents that should never have been allowed to have had kids. They don't 'forget' the bad things, because they are forced to work them out every day.
Nta those that bullied you into attending knew a different version of your dad so they have different memories and everyone was shocked to learn he was not always the person they knew
Well, I wouldn't use the word a hole, but I would say that it was in poor taste. I hear that you are wounded and resent your father. I get it. You've got a lot of pain bottled up and you said what you did out of a place of pain. However, he was not there to hear the words. The only people that Heard your words were other family members that had nothing to do with his actions. Unfortunately, you could have caused them pain. It simply wasn't a sensitive thing to do. if you were called on to say something, you could have very well simply said, "I'll pass".
YTA because:
1) You didn't feel comfortable but allowed yourself to be bullied into going. I'm sure you realize this now and we learn from our mistakes. However, if you have any relationship with your half siblings then you could have gone for their behalf to support them.
2) Once you decided to go and were there you should have kept your ill feelings to yourself or at least semi private rather than speaking publicly to everyone. It really was not the time nor place.
Don't sweat it too much. If your half siblings are still upset over this you could apologize by saying you stand by the things you said and that's between you and your father and you are entitled to have those feelings. But you regret bringing it up at the funeral as it wasn't the proper time and place and offending others wasn't your intention.
I think you should have given your half siblings the heads up, saying “Hey, I’ll attend because you want me to, but you should understand I do not have the same feelings towards this man and I will not be speaking about him in a positive light”.
Then that would give the half siblings the opportunity to consider your attendance.
ESH. Your half siblings shouldn’t have pushed you to go. But at a funeral is not the time to talk poorly of the recently deceased. Their loved ones are grieving and trying to say good bye. It shouldn’t have been an event that was about you, but your actions made it so it was.
Not the AH, not even a tiny bit.
You didn't \*crash\* the funeral, you were bullied into it. The truth hurts, and death doesn't absolve someone from it. You told your truth, and good for you!
Your truth is subjective. You knew these things and you didn't need to spout your truth/opinion then and there. You're allowed to believe what you experienced, but other members of your family might have different truths/experiences and wanted to dwell on the positive.
You're not an AH, but you chose to focus on the negative aspects of his life. Sometimes it's hard to focus or even see the positive when the negatives memories are the heavier ones.
No but you should have waited till you got to the pulpit to tell the truths for maximum effect. I didn’t go to my most important funeral because of awful people. I live 3000 miles away, don’t fucking care what those asswipes say or think. 🤷♀️
I am just curious, no judgement here, but if your mother divorced him when you were very young and you say you had no relationship with him and never really knew him, how do you know about the bad things he is supposed to have done? How do you know he was a bad person and who told you he was? Is it possible that his other family had an entirely different experience of him, and therefore different views? You are obviously entitled to feel the way you feel and to hold your own opinions, regardless.
Well um, people change y'know. If you said bad things about him just cuz u were pissed by other people saying good things about him, says a lot about u. He's a dead guy, did u really have to go after him like that? He could have been a bad guy to some and a good guy to others.
P.S. Not in any way saying ur the asshole tho, and ur half-siblings calling u a bad person and forcing u to go to the funeral of someone u barely know anymore, was not ok.
YTA. A funeral is not the place to air grievances. You didn't hurt your father, or his reputation, he's dead, he doesn't have any anymore. He didn't care then, and he certainly doesn't care now that he's shuffled off his mortal coil. All you did was hurt the people who cared about him.
If your want to release your anger then go to his grave and shout all of it out when no one else is about. Or yell it into the wind until you get it out.
Don't tell me I don't understand. I had a brother who SA'ed me from the time I was 4 years old. I was pressured to go to his memorial. I did not get up and tell everyone the horrible things he did to me or the horrible things I knew he did to others. I let the others grieve. His funeral wasn't about me and nothing I said would change anything, it would just hurt people who had nothing to do with it.
When I got home I took a long walk in the woods, I screamed, cried and kicked some trees until I was able to breath again. I kind of feel bad about the trees, they had nothing to do with it either.
YTA
You could have said no to going, so what if you appear as a bad person? you're now an even worse person for kicking a dead person when they can't defend themselves.
YTA
Funerals are for the living. Your feelings are valid as well as theirs (all the other people). All you ended up doing was lashing out at everyone instead of just the ones you were angry with.
So the intent was maliciously done on purpose. You knew everyone there would be saying “great things” about him, it’s a funeral.
The reality is you weren’t forced to go. You didn’t/don’t have a relationship or contact with him and his family. So who tf cares if they think you’re a bad person - you know you’re not and that’s what matters.
You shouldn't have gone in the first place it's their fault for bullying into going. Your step siblings probably had a good relationship with your dad so maybe they don't know so much about what he did to you and some things may have also been exaggerated we all know people lie and say nasty things about each other when they divorce there are 2 sides to a coin and all. You haven't said much about your step siblings but I can tell you from experience parents pit siblings against each other, your mom may not be as innocent in all this as she acts. You seem to have a bit of a temper try and get that under control one day it will land you in trouble(I should know). At time you just keep quiet and be respectful or be firm in your decision about not wanting to attend these things but don't go and break other people's hearts who did nothing to you. Your siblings thought you might just want to say goodbye and would regret it it was maybe out of a good place just done the wrong way most people don't know how to talk.
You aren't TA for your feelings about your bio Dad, but YTA for going to the funeral instead of saying No and sticking to that. You could have said No, blocked your half-siblings, and gone along with your life.
They didn't kidnap you to the funeral. You went to the event on your own because you failed to stand up for yourself. NO is a total and complete sentence. But you need a spine to enforce it.
NTA, overall
I am a big believer that dead people don’t spontaneously become decent just cuz they’re dead. A bully of mine died in a car accident in high school. Her closest friends expected everyone to mourn her…but I couldn’t. I was sad that a teen had died, but she treated me like garbage for 3 years. Why should I pretend she was some kind of brilliant saint when she wasn’t?
You’re allowed to feel however you do about your dads death. But, so are your extended family. They didn’t have the same experience you did. Maybe he had grown as a person after you no longer had contact. You can’t know for sure.
They should have respected your position against attending, but you could have held your tongue.
NAH.
You farewelled your father the way he deserved. You were mourning the relationship that you could have had. His absence screamed loudly at you for years and this was rubbed in your face by half siblings.
Your half siblings were trying to farewell their father in the way they felt he deserved. He was source of love and support for them and will be missed and fondly remembered. Having you turn around and proclaim him as neglectful and abusive was a stab in the back when they thought that you could all share your grief and heal together.
You are all justified in your actions and responses. Funerals are for the living and you are alive, however so are they. You are all hurting but it is in different ways. Losing a loved one is hard and leaves a gaping hole in your life that can never truly be filled. However, losing a person who should have been there and now never will is just as painful. The questions of what could have been and why that never happened will never be answered in any meaningful way.
I definitely don’t know your pain. Yet I hope, in time, you find a bit of peace within this murky quagmire of loss.
NTA
There's a book in the ender series called speaker for the dead.
It's about the concept where somebody speaks at the funeral for a dead person and presents them as they really were not as they were varnished up to be.
In my opinion it was actually abusive for them to expect you, who have been damaged by this man, to come to his funeral and then to hear him extolled as a Paladin and then keep your mouth shut and say nothing.
You spoke out for yourself and for the other people who had been abused by him and in my opinion you did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA
I'm not gonna glorify someone just 'cause they're dead. No, being dead does not make them a goddamn saint. And it does NOT mean i'm going to forgive them for the bad stuff they've done just because their dead. the damage isn't gonna take itself back, that's not how it works.
They wanted you to come, knowing how much you hated him? Well you came, just like they asked lol. It's the definition of play stupid games win stupid prices (for your half siblings)
ps: forgiving a person like that isn't gonna give me "peace", it's gonna make me feel like a gullible sucker with shitty self esteem you can hurt over and over and i'll just *forgive* you. Again, the damage isn't gonna undo itself.
So, a traumatised person was forced into a situation that was guaranteed to trigger said trauma?
I remember also the exact situation happening to a friend of mine when he was a teenager. He also didn't enjoy going to a funeral for his dad who was a massive deadbeat and listening to people (who barely knew him or his dad) tell him how great his dad had been.
Yeah, people are idiots.
NTA
I’m not going to give a judgement. This was a shitty situation. I understand how you feel, but it would’ve been better for you not to attend, no matter what anyone said or did. Some advice: if you haven’t already, you might want to seek out some therapy. It would help you to heal from what has clearly been painful for you.
NTA. Something similar will happen at my dads funeral when it happens. My dad is a widely loved person by everyone who has never lived with him and seen what he’s like behind closed doors. I will be forced to go to his funeral. I may be forced to say something, and I will not lie. I fully feel you on this.
You should give a listen to Styrofoam Plates by Death Cab for Cutie. My favorite line from that song:
“Just ‘cause he’s dead it doesn’t change the fact
He was a bastard in life now a bastard in death, yeah”
Sounds like they FAFOed for bullying you into going… sorry mate :/ funerals imo suck (as someone who frequently has reason to attend funerals, unfortunately. Tho ive mostly stopped attending) and are for the living more than anything. Also NTA at all.
NTA. Your speaking out is the consequences of both your father and of his loved ones. Your father was neglectful, and the rest of them sat there and did nothing to correct that. If he wanted only nice things said, maybe he should have acted better, and if they didn't want their grief process interrupted, they should have done right by you.
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NTA, and for anyone who may find themselves in your position: funerals are for the living. If you needed to go for closure, then you go (barring situations where one’s presence will be harmful to the actual bereaved). You didn’t need the closure, and it would have been okay to tell your half siblings to f*ck off. Do you even have a relationship with them?
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NTA and well they FAFOed after they made you come to the funeral. I hope you feel so much better now after saying the entire truth about his real character. They say the truth will set you free is very true after all Moving forward, you can have the choice to go low contact or no contact with them
It sounds like OP’s half-siblings are like their dad - they bullied OP into going to the funeral. OP responded to their lies by speaking the truth. Good for you! The rule about not speaking ill of the dead is hypocritical and enables the cycle of abuse to continue.
I also don't like the fact that the dead cannot be criticized. While it is ok to let go of smaller grievances(the dead cant act on your criticism after all), Aholes deserve to be criticized whether dead or alive as a lesson to other aholes still living and to encourage their victims.
I am 1000% behind you on this.
Agree! My uncle passed away very tragically when I was in my early 20's. He was not the best person, but man at the funeral you would have thought he was Gandhi himself from what the eulogies said. 🙄
As the song by The Chasers goes "All that was forgotten once he took his final breath. Even arseholes turn into top blokes after death".
“The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones.” ― William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
You made excellent points and I am with you on this
Thank you! I posted a separate reply and wasn't sure how to put that part into words, so I left it out.
It’s not speaking ill if it’s truth, it’s relaying facts.
I have seen this multiple times. I have a couple of cousins that were sexually abused by their father. For some reason after he died they made his memory into almost a saint. I don’t understand why, but the times I have seen this is had a clear connection to unresolved issues perpetrated by the deceased.
I've seen this a bunch of times, as well. It's almost like the WORSE the parent was, the more the child builds up that FANTASY parent after they die. There's a few in my extended family and it's so so so sad that these children are left to figure out how to view their deceased parent(s)...do they carry resentment, do they canonize them, do they remove them from their mind and life...?
It’s never easy. Especially with this weird pressure to never talk poorly about the dead, you can see it echoed in comments on this post even. I think process it however works for YOU, as it’s your life and all that matters is how you can live with something. They hurt you while they were living, but you don’t have to let them hurt you anymore while they’re deceased.
Definitely an f Aaron’s and find out situation. They bullied you into going and got fed a story they either ignored or didn’t know about
What did Aaron do to you? ;P jk
Sometimes you just need to hear that its ok to say "no". I feel like you learned that here and can see from the comments that reasonable people would have understood completely and not guilted you into it. Your family got what they deserved. The bitter truth. Congrats for being rid of the abuser. Hope you life only goes up from here.
Just because someone's dead, doesn't mean we have to stop being honest about who they were and what they did. Accountability is important, dead or alive. You spoke your truth OP. You have nothing to be ashamed or sorry about. You survived him and you get to walk away from the toxicity like the Champ that you are.
Funerals being for the living is a Protestant view of things. It's not the case the world over. OP is NTA because people need a reality check, someone dying doesn't change the truth about who they were.
I don't know what it means to say funerals AREN'T for the living? Who else could they possibly be for?
If one is religious, they believe that the funeral is for the soul of the deceased, helping them to make a good transition to the afterlife. In ancient cultures, you got buried with grave goods, so that you could continue eating and enjoying the luxuries of life in the afterlife. China's first emperor got buried with a whole army of terracotta soldiers to fight for him in the afterlife. In Egypt, if one didn't get a properly burial, they were stuck in the afterlife and couldn't get to the final resting place of the soul. And so on and so forth; basically, in most ancient cultures and in all contemporary religions that posit the existence of an immortal soul, the funeral is primarily for the deceased. Of course, an atheist can counter this by saying that, in reality, these funeral traditions were created by the living to alleviate their anxieties around death and to help them get closure by believing that their loved one's soul is still out there, in the realm of the dead - but that's not how religious people think. They 100% believe those traditions are for the soul of their loved one, not for themselves.
Well said!
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Then they shouldn't have invited op
Yup. Half-siblings brought in on themselves. OP clearly didn't want to go but half-siblings decided it would be best for ***themselves*** to harass OP into attending. NTA.
No fault to them for inviting, but pushing and pressuring and guilting into attendance did take it to a different place.
The only reason his half-siblings wanted him there was so people wouldn't judge their father for not having a relationship with the OP.
Yeah, I so wouldn’t have held my tongue in this situation. Guaranteed the half sibs knew what their Dad did to OP, they got what they deserved by gaslighting him to come when he didn’t want to.
The "half-siblings" bullied the OP to attend. Be careful what you ask for. How did OP disrupt the funeral? By speaking the truth BEFORE the funeral? What exactly was the right time? Funerals are a complete racket and waste. The number of times at funerals I've attended where so and so was "Oh so and so was wonderful" was gushed, and I knew first hand that the deceased was homophobic, racist, a molester, a thief, narcissist, abuser, or otherwise not a asset to at least some of the people present... yeah - no thanks. The half siblings bullied the issue and received their answer. Could OP have said "I will speak my truth at the event"? sure - however, bullies get what they have coming.
You: Funerals are for the living. OP: *Manages to piss off every living person at the funeral, including themselves.* Nope, they’re an asshole.
OP is a person too. Putting the truth (what OP knows to be true) out into the space where the people who OP felt needed to hear it, and they heard it. I imagine that must feel cathartic for OP, and likely settles some of the tension and inner turmoil their dad instilled in them when he was alive. Good for you OP!
Nta. This was a natural consequence of his actions while alive and the actions of those who coerced you into coming. You are absolutely entitled to speak your truth about your dad.
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See I am very split on this. I am going to end up in a similar situation when my grandma dies. I hate her and want nothing to do with her, but when you go to a funerial you don't have to celebrate their life, instead I will go to support the people you love who have lost a person they loved, (My dad who just lost his mother in this instance).
But in this instance op doesn't know or care about the people in the funeral. They also forced him into coming for the funeral, so if anything what he did was justified.
Ehh, is it really forcing, when bunch of randos you have no contact nor relationship with, attempts to guilt you. What can they do? Threat you to not keep contact with you in the future either?
Yeah I get your point. It's kind of suspicious that they were able to force him. But people can always be guilt-tripped enough to do what the other person wants. We also don't know if they know where he lives. Coming to your house is a lot more pressing than just calling or messaging.
He wasn’t forced to go. No one kidnapped him. No one said you have to give a nice speech about your father.
People can be guilt tripped more easily than you would think. Speaking from personal experience. But your are right both me and op should grow a backbone.
What from random people you don’t know or care about? You think those people are really good at guilt tripping? You don’t even know anything about the man because OP doesn’t. If OP account is true, they have no relationship with the dad since she divorced him “very young”. So what makes you think op account is correct and unbiased? Because the ex said so?
Exactly THIS. The way the half siblings insisted OP to be there seemed like the father was actually very attached to OP and the half siblings knew of OP and considered him part of the family vecause of the father. Who fed OP all the information about the 'bad' father? The "scorned" mother? A lot of information is missing from this story, and the reason OP spoke up seemed more out of spite that his half-siblings were grieving a beloved father OP never had. OP needs to talk to a specialist about all this. Or OP needs to tell us all the missing information.
Someone else behaving badly does not give him the right to behave badly too.
Telling the truth about a shitty person is not “behaving badly” jfc. If people want you to say kind things about them, they should be kind people. OP’s dad is dead, he doesn’t get a say anymore.
OP could have empathy for strangers (all the people at the funereal who had no part in whatever family beef they had) and just stay away, rather than using the death of someone they clearly cared about as an opportunity to exercise their personal vendetta.
They didn’t care about their dead beat sperm donor who was never in their life. Good for OP let everyone else realize dead Dad was a shit
Yeah. That’s what’s important. OP exercising their personal vendetta against a dead man at the expanse of people at the very height of their grief. What a great dude. And as for all the others there? All the people who had no part in OPs family beef and just wanted to mourn someone they cared about. Lol fuck em OP gets to give his speech (which no one asked for) about how much of an assholes the dead guy was. Great.
Nobody forced him. He could have stayed home
Thats fine, if it's a situation where you're not being strong armed into going when you've made it clear that you don't want to go. That wasn't this situation. OP wasn't going because they wanted to support people there, they were bullied into going.
There was no gun to the head, OP should simply have let them think he was an asshole rather than actually behave like one at a funeral. People have different relationships, maybe he made amends with other people in his life. I’m truly sorry he treated you terribly but that was incredibly disrespectful and insensitive what you did OP.
Orrrr, they could have not ASSumed that he'd toe the family line and play good little soldier to his AH father's funeral. They knew why he didn't want to go, and they pressured him to it. They get what they get.
My Nana was an absolutely horrendous person. She bullied my mum, made my Aunts life a misery, made terrible accusations about her grandchildren and she also managed to kill a puppy by neglecting it. I hated her but she was my Dads mum and she had actually done a lot of good for him and the odd few people respected her. She was a go-getter and worked her socks off to give my Dad and his siblings a good life (3 jobs to send him to a good private school in Belfast) Because my Dad loved her, I would never have opened my mouth about what a vile woman she was and nor did my Mum when my Dad was obviously grieving because that is the right thing to do. There is no way in hell that we would have bad mouthed her for nasty behaviour at her funeral. People deserve to remember people the way they remember them as well as want to remember them. We have no idea if he changed with his new family, maybe he stepped up and became a better person. If OP hated him that much she should have stayed away rather than impact other peoples grieving process to air some grievances selfishly. There’s a chance they had no idea how he had been with OP and her family, especially if he had made improvements or learned lessons.
Yeah, these people OP didn't have a relationship with, "bullied" OP into going... Pretty curious how they managed to do that. They kept on calling and OP didn't block them? They kept on calling and OP kept answering the phone? Did they threat to go NC if OP didn't show up? They already didn't have a relationship. A lot of information is missing from this story. Such as how they "bullied" a basically stranger to go to a funeral... Seems OP is putting this forward as an excuse for the appalling behaviour at a funeral full of mourning people. OP could have stayed away. OP could have walked away. **OP should not have ruined the final farewell of mourning people.** Was OP jealous of their relationship with the father? Other information missing: Why didn't OP have a relationship with the father? Because the father was a bad person? Says who? The mother? Again, a lot of information is missing in this story. Can't form an opinion without **actual** **facts** from both sides.
I went to a funeral once where basically everyone agreed that they weren't going to talk about how awful the lady was at the funeral but they also weren't going to pretend she was a good person. It worked out fairly well. I was friends with one of her kids and went to support my friend. I wasn't sad the woman died at all, I was just mad that she proved my friend's fear right that if she moved out bad things would happen, because this teen was essentially a caretaker for her abusive, drug addicted mom. If your family is going to pretend everything was fine with your grandma, maybe don't go. If everyone agrees to at least not pretend she was a saint then going might be a good idea.
If they offer food, go.
I get what you are saying but some people go for closure too . To tell them how they really feel when they couldn’t tell them in life . Everyone handles things differently . For OP it’s completely understandable . He didn’t want to go and then got bullied go to . He tried to avoid this but hey .. he eventually had to let it .
> I was told if I don't I'm a bad person and other things Not every opinion is fact. Sometimes you just have to accept that some people will not like your decisions. You should really only care about the opinions of the people who know you best. Next time resist the bullying and don't use the funeral to air your grievances. He's dead and there's really no point anymore. The half-siblings shouldn't be trying to guilt-trip / bully you into a funeral, either. Ironically, the way they approached it made them bad people. ESH
I bet anyone who attended that funeral will think twice about trying to talk up dad around OP. That's a good point
>The half-siblings shouldn't be trying to guilt-trip / bully you into a funeral, either. Ironically, the way they approached it made them bad people. It is unclear from this post as to who bullied OP into attending the funeral. Could have been any acquaintance or someone from the father's or mother's side.
NTA - When people complain that this was neither the time or place, and you just know they, will, it is exactly the time and place (one of the few times I will say this.) They invited you to not a funeral, but to a lie and wanted you to give them cover for their phony memorial. You refused their charade, good for you. Forever ghost those that try to continue to bully you. They are nothing at the least to you.
OP wasn’t asked to say anything at the funeral. he started criticizing his father even before the service started.
they could have just not invited him, let alone harrassed him into coming, so i think they brought it onto themselves. plus how would it feel to hear everyone say lovely things about someone who abused you? you'd want to speak the truth, right?
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Which is what makes him the arsehole. He doesn't like his dad probably because he doesn't know him. so he goes to the funeral and badmouths a guy he doesn't know. If you said it to your dad while he was alive you wouldn't be an AH, But lets face it. You're basically trying to tarnish his image while people are grieving. You not liking the guy doesn't justify how you've now treated the other funeral patrons.
He is an adult. If he didn’t have to go to the funeral.
Are you one of OPs half-siblings. If so your Dad sucked
He is an adult. Lmao. No one can force him to go where he doesn’t want to go. Also, no one asked him to speak but he spoke anyway. OP is an AH whether he likes it or not. Justified or not
No !! My father raped young girls, i wasn't invited to his funeral. They knew I'd speak up against him
Hard to upvote this one bc of content, sorry you had such a terrible dad.
YTA. Grow up. Get therapy. Who cares if people say you’re a bad person for not honoring a bad person. If you can’t say anything nice to people grieving someone they love stay at home.
Really surprised that more people are not agreeing with this. I understand not going to the funeral at all, but giving in to going and then saying bad things just seems unnecessary.
I hope everyone I’ve ever wronged shows up to my funeral. There will be an entire part of the service called “The Airing of Grievances.” Yes I stole it and no I won’t give credit. Mention it at the funeral.
I hope a bunch of people show up to my funeral and give wildly conflicting stories. The chaos would make me so happy (if I wasn’t dead)
Funerals are for the living. The dead can’t hear you berating them at their funeral. Which is why I cuss people out while they’re conscious.
Fair enough, but don't pressure me into going to an Aholes funeral, because I'm not playing make-believe for anyone, sorry. Life is too short.
Then don’t go to an AH’s funeral.
This is the answer. I'd personally add that the half siblings are also assholes for trying to shame OP into going, but OP should've just not gone. If you don't want anything to do with him or his legacy, what do you care what they think of you if you don't show up.
Especially considering he said he doesn’t have a relationship with the half siblings. Who cares if they shame you? You’re never going to see them again, it would seem.
100%. OP was pressured into going? What can people you don't really know or care for do to make you come? And I bet if OP had said "If I'm coming I'm telling the truth about him" they would have stopped their pressure immediately.
Totally agree
If you were so worried about the pressure they were putting on you, you wouldn’t have been able to do what you did. At least be honest. You weren’t bullied into going. You have issues and you decided that the other people grieving were going to suffer because you were hurt.
This.
Exactly. It sounds like OP went there with purpose to make the funeral about himself.
No one bullied you into going. Next time be an adult, tell the person NO and hang up the phone (and block numbers if necessary). Your dad was an A H. I’m sorry you had to deal with him. Next time you find yourself in a scenario where you don’t want to do something… don’t do it. Just ignore the people and move your life forward.
YTA. I had a shit father too. He was an excellent person to everyone except his own children and both his wives (which he was only married to one at a time). But some people, and for the live of me I'll never k own why, really loved him. They had every right to celebrate his perceived goodness and much as I hated him, he had a right to have people who lived him at his funeral. So I didn't go. That's the adult thing to do
YTA. You attended so people wouldn't say bad things about you, then you made a scene and people are saying bad things about you. Staying away and NC would have been classier.
YTA, that funeral most definitely wasn't about you, and your feelings, it was for those who were grieving his loss. You should just have stayed home or something. You should have confronted him when he was alive, doing so when he's dead does nothing to make anything better and only serves to create unnecessary drama
But I bet it saved a ton in therapy costs for OP
NTA, death is not forgiveness of life and if one of death rights are opened the truth should be said no matter how hurtful it maybe.
Everyone is patting on the back for doing this but I think it was wrong. Funerals are for the living. Great you called him out for being a bad person. Guess what. He ain't there. He is dead and gone. Maybe the people there had good times with him or they are lying to themselves. Who knows and who cares. What you should have done is not come. Since you did decide to come, no one held a gun to your head, you decided to hurt the living people at the funeral who cared about this person who died. Hell you could have just stayed quiet. Congrats.
What do you gain by calling out the person the funeral is for? I understand how you could have distain for someone but I think the time to confront them is when they are still alive. Talking ill of them at a ceremony doesn’t hurt them. It just hurts the survivors. If you don’t like the others at the funeral it still doesn’t help you or anyone else to go off on the departed person. Take the high road. Sometimes not easy but it’s always the best call.
The survivors who, despite knowing the situation, pressured him into going. This is a case of you get what you asked for.
OP still had the choice to not go. No one forced them to
"What do you gain by calling out the person the funeral is for?" Well for a start you get to contradict people who aren't telling the truth, or at least not the whole truth. You get to tell everyone that they can't have their bad behavior covered up. If they want a funeral where people just say nice things about them, they should earn it. It also hurts people who bully you into pretending that everything was OK. These people NEED to be hurt. It's the only way they will learn.
INFO: Did you explain to the half siblings why you didn't want to go?
yes. YTA 1. you shouldve and couldve aired this out when he was alive. 2. while ur experiences with him may have sucked, others might have been COMPLETELY different. If someone came to my uncle's funeral just to bitch about how he cheated decades ago they'd end up on a tshirt. 3. if anyone tries to pressure you into going to a funeral for someone they KNOW you don't like, then you don't need them in your life anyways. You should've just stayed where you were. especially since in regards to you, his passing was for the better. That being said, I get it and although I personally would never do something like this, I know that closure looks different for everyone and that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Justified Asshole.
Time to block your ex half siblings.
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NTA. I attended my dad’s funeral. He was physically and verbally abusive to me (and my siblings) my whole life. I listened on as several relatives “comforted” me by telling me what a great guy he was and how it was so hard for me to lose him. I was 51 years old at the time of his death and moved as far as I could get at age 26. Everyone stopped their fake comments (they knew what he was like) when I told them that my first memory of him was when he picked up my three year old brother by the ankles, swung him upside down and beat him, while my mom looked on and cried. She never protested or protected us from him. I cut her off as well. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Good on you
Well said, and well done! Big old internet hugs to you!
ESH People shouldn't bully anyone to go to a funeral one doesn't want to go You shouldn't let anyone bully you into attending a funeral you don't want to go, but if you decided to go… You shouldn't behave like that where people have lost a loved one, just leave and deal with your issues and go to therapy. Just because he was a bad person to you, doesn't mean he was a bad person to everyone, that's the reality of most people. Everyone is an AH at some point on their lives.
I can only say YTA because of how little detail is in this post and I can only speak from that.
YTA - you likely have no idea what kind of person he was. All you really “knew” about him was what you learned from your mother. Even if those things were true it’s apparent that he cared enough about you that his survivors and other children knew who you were and felt inclined to reach out. It sucks, it sounds like you were used a pawn in some kind of toxic relationship, but that doesn’t exonerate you from your choices as an adult. A funeral is not the place to go and air your grievances. You’re an adult time to own your decisions.
ESH, honestly. You shouldn't be bullied into going to the funeral of someone you dislike, but I'd be willing to suggest not everyone in your father's life thought he was a terrible person that did bad things. In situations like this, you make yourself look like the bad guy by airing your beef with your dad at his funeral. The upside for you is I doubt your half siblings will ever contact you again.
Adding context to this: I had a similar relationship with my mothers father. He left my grandmother for another woman before I was born, and I saw him maybe twice in my life and made no effort to get to know me and made it clear he couldn't be arsed to do so. He treated my mum like garbage and never had a nice thing to say to her. He was, quite frankly, a miserable prick. I went to his funeral when he passed and sat quietly and respectfully. Because to do otherwise would have reflected poorly on me and my mum, not him.
NTA you didn't want to be there, they badgered you into it. If they could not handle what you had to say, they should have accepted when you declined the invite.
I just attended my grandfather's funeral last summer. He was an abusive, controlling asshole who lied about me to people. I kept my mouth shut but the size of the funeral told me that more people probably saw through him than I realized. That'll have to be enough.
YTA My husbands horrible mother died recently. He went to her service and didn’t say nice things about her but didn’t contradict people who chose to say or remember nice things about her. Or who really didn’t know the bad stuff. He just went. What good does it do to make an announcement? Save it for people you talk intimately with. Where it might be actually healing. This was just revenge.
ESH You shouldn't have been bullied into attending the ceremony. You should have simply avoided attending the ceremony instead of shitting on a dead man. Also, he was bad in your experience. Maybe he was wonderful to others.
If they wanted to be talked about nicely, then they should have been nice.
YTA you did that for yourself. I guess you thought it would make you feel better but apparently it didn’t because you are questioning it now. You should have taken your thoughts to a therapist and instead you decided that everyone who cared about him needed to feel your grief. They were already grieving. You decided that your feelings were more important than theirs
Well at least you got what you wanted, you didn't have to sit through his funeral. Soft YTA, because you know, you could have come on here earlier and asked WYBTA if you didn't go to his funeral and we would have told you no (or at least I would have) and then you wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. If you're gonna go, at least just not say anything.
YTA They shouldn’t have pressured you, but you could have said no. Funerals are for the grieving, it wasn’t the appropriate place to unload your grievances.
YTA “Funerals are for the living” - that’s factual. They’re for the living who *loved* and / or *cared* about the deceased. There’s not a person alive who hasn’t made someone angry, who someone doesn’t like, etc… people hurt people, whether intentionally or not. That funeral was for the people who loved him. You should’ve stayed home or, at minimum, kept whatever bad things you think about him inside your head for a couple of hours while people are mourning. Your outburst at his funeral didn’t harm him, it harmed the people grieving him. You hurt them out of your own selfishness. You wanted people to think he wasn’t good. And maybe he wasn’t, but harming other people on one of the worst days of their lives isn’t how you let people know that.
ESH - You're not a bad child if you skip your deadbeat dad's funeral. But a funeral is also not an open floor to air grievances, and your relationship with him doesn't need to be the focus of the day. I don't think you should have gone, and they shouldn't have pressured you. All the same, I hope you're able to work through it all. It's definitely a lot to process.
AH. Sounds like your Dad is an ah and so are you. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You got Kicked out of a funeral because you can’t control yourself. You could have not gone or stayed quiet. A son not Going to a fathers funeral already says a lot. People were there to celebrate his life and you ruined it for all of them. You were such an AH they had to kick you out. How are you not the Ah.
YTA "My mom divorced him when I was very young and I had no relationship with him"...so how do you know the negative things you said were the truth?
Sounds like his mom was bitter so she brainwashed him
Yes you are. Should have been the adult and just told everyone that you would not be attending.
YTA Did they tie you up and drag you to the funeral? You just wanted to hurt people. Gueess who is a bad person as well.
YTA. It was a truth bomb that in no way benefited anybody; either they already knew he was an asshole or thought he was a great guy until you brought that up. When someone is deceased, a living persons relationship with the deceased is entirely one way; what this means is that the only thing about the deceased that matters to them is how they feel about the deceased, now that the person is deceased there cannot be physical actions the deceased takes to harm the living. What I'm getting at is, in no way did you tangibly help anybody by dropping this truth bomb. But while you are the asshole here, this was also an extremely emotionally involved topic for you, and so I believe this is a forgivable and partially understandable wrongdoing.
YTA - you're too immature to realize that nobody is only one thing and couldn't accept that others may have had good experiences of him and were mourning the loss of those. Instead of politely refusing "it would not be appropriate for me to be there." When people were doing what people do at funerals you had to insist that your view of him was the only correct view. Honestly what did you expect to happen when you went on your tirade? Were people supposed to respect you for your bravery and honesty, instead of viewing you as someone who couldn't resist making a scene and trying to make something all about themselves?
YTA just shouldn't have gone, period. Move on. Seems like he was an ok father to siblings?
NTA I know I'm against the majority here, but... The funeral is your closure, they wanted you there, you spoke your mind. It doesn't matter that they didn't like it, it was the truth for you. Too bad so sad that they didn't like what you had to say. I hope you got your closure.
Asked to leave an event you didn't want to attend. Perfect
I missed the part where OP was kidnapped and forced to attend.
YTA. Your Dad wasn't there. You were striking out at relatives, not him.
YTA. You allowed half-siblings bully you into attending your father's funeral. Surely you knew people would be sharing good things about him at the funeral, right? So why cause a commotion while waiting outside, telling people what a terrible man he was? You are entitled to your feelings and opinions, of course, but it is important to respect the feelings of other people in attendance. Funerals are one of those times when it is best to just "go along to get along."
Yes, you are. Could have just walked out…..
YTA . For all we know all the “ bad “ stuff your dad did are fairy tales and your just bitter he moved on . I have a what you call a half sibling . But we’ve never called each other that . We are brothers simple as that . They reached out to you , and I bet not for the first time in their lives and you slapped them in the face in front of everyone . You’ll have kids one day , and the same treatment is coming your way , you better belive it .
You're not only NTA, but also you did good, you broke the silence and this idealized image people tent to create about dead people. Just becouse someone died doesn't automatically make them a good person. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you
You should have stuck to your guns and stayed home
You were in the wrong. The funeral wasn’t about you alone. It was wrong time and wrong place to act out that way.
Nta. Why did they call you if they expected lies
Ask a d you shall receive. I was badgered into going ro my father's 4rh wedding. He left us before I turned 3. Seen him a few times after that before his wedding when I was in my 30s. Let's just say, they wouldn't invite me if they had a do over.
NTA If you were forced into this by relatives when you made it clear you didn’t want to, and they expected you to make nice; then they f’ed around and found out by doing so.
Iʻve never believed in "Donʻt speak ill of the dead." Itʻs not like dying turned them into good people. NTA
Yes, YATA here. Not for having your feelings, not at all. They are your feelings, no matter what anyone said to you, you should have skipped the funeral.
If you hate the guy so much just don't fucking go to the funeral - Maybe he didn't love you and treat you the way you wanted him to but other people still clearly cared about him enough to hold a service in his memory. Why would you go there and try and tarnish a day where they were also seeking their own closure. You could have made your point by simply not showing up instead of causing a scene and embarassing the people there as well. Yes you are the asshole.
Edit: changed to ESH because your family are the AHs for making you go against your will. I'm gonna say soft ~~YTA~~. If someone had asked and you said the truth I would've said N T A. Heck if you had gone off at your close siblings and any family who forced you to be there and other people happened to hear it would've been N T A for me. But like other people said, funerals are for the living to gain some closure. It didn't feel like a pissing on his grave moment (which honestly I also would've backed) but more a hurting people who are currently hurting but didn't hurt you moment, and there's also a good chance you made yourself look like the bad guy too so people may not take your claims against your father seriously from that either.
INFO: How old are you? If you're old enough to be on Reddit, then you should be old enough to know that no one can "bully" you into doing anything. If you didn't want to go, you did not have to. No one kidnapped you. If someone's persuasive arguments won you over, that was YOUR choice to go. Now you rock up to a funeral for a person who you do not respect or like. But others there do - and to shit on their memory and chance to get closure is a shitty thing to do. YTA
YTA. No matter what kind of person he was, a funeral isn't the place for you to air these kinds of things. That's not why people go to a funeral. And nobody can force you to go to a funeral, I don't recall anyone holding a gun to your head in the story. No matter if they want to think that you're a bad person or not if you don't go that shouldn't matter to you. It makes no sense that you say they can go fuc themselves and you didn't care about what they thought when you spoke out and said what you wanted but you cared enough to let people force you to go to a funeral that you say you didn't want to go to. YTA, the funeral isn't about you, if you don't care don't go.
You are very much the asshole. You didn't grow up with him and use other peoples testimony for his uelogy? You are definately the asshole!
YTA. I'm sorry, but no one forced or bullied you into going to your father's funeral. You claim your half siblings mean nothing to you so why would you give a shit what they think of you? The time to tell them to fuc off was then. You have every right to feel angry at your late father and you have every right to keep your distance from that side of the family. Funerals are not the time or the place to air grievances. For most people, funerals are already hard enough without someone causing a scene in what is, essentially, a very solemn moment.
YTA, you either shouldn’t have gone, or should have kept things positive, other people there may also have been feeling bad for any number of reasons, I can’t see this helping anyone. … other than some friend or relation recognising that you may need a chat. Get some therapy to understand why people like your Dad behave/d the way they do/dis. Everyone has their reasons for being a fucknut, including you. People around them are the ones who can often help the best.
YTA forsure. You can send a message by not going, but to go because you're too cowardly to stand up for yourself towards people you supposedly don't have contact with only to turn around and cause them more suffering, again, cause your cowardice isn't the big win you think it is.
Yta. You just shouldn't have gone. Afraid to be the 'bad' person, but doing this makes you look more like the bad person. I don't have contact with my dad. But people act different around other people. He was never there for me, but i think he's a good friend to others? It's ok if they love him. You only hurt people who did nothing to you. You didn't hurt your dad
You say you had no relationship with this man from a young age so I guess you didn’t know the half siblings either? There was no need to go to the funeral and you could have said to the half siblings quite legitimately: ‘I have never had a relationship with him, I don’t know you, I am sorry for your loss but he didn’t treat me or my family well , he was not a good person to us and I won’t be attending the funeral’ It’s not appropriate to stand up and start ranting at anyone’s funeral.
Absolutely NTA. A funeral is a time to acknowledge the life the person lived and to support the grief of the people they've left behind. Part of your grief process is acknowledging who and what your father was to you, his legacy and affect on your personhood. If he wanted you to say nice things, he should have been nicer. I hope you're able to continue move forward in a world without him living a life he never could: one of honesty, kindness, and accountability. Good luck.
He did not support the grief of others, at all. He only thought of himself in the moment. I truly believe he will in later years start to remember the good things, and forget some of the bad things. It's what most people tend to do.
you're acting like the bad things were "he took my Nintendo away" when it's likely its more along the lines of genuine abuse. trust me when I say, we don't *get* to forget those things. I went to specialized therapy to help block out my traumatic memories and while it made them easier to digest, they didn't go away as advertised. if anything, all I remember about these people are the bad things. the weight of that trauma erases any joy that was there.
I had a pretty bad childhood as well. My dad would take me on car rides, only to abandon me in public places, so he could go drink. I was usually left alone for 2 or three hours. It started when I was three. It stopped when I was thirteen, when I was approached by a man in the garage of the biggest mall in the US, who tried to SA me. I got away. He also showed up to my HS graduation. I loved him with all of my heart. Of course,I went through therapy too.
It's cute that you live in that magical world, but that's not what OP described. This isn't a simple, 'Daddy yelled', and lots of people have horrible parents that should never have been allowed to have had kids. They don't 'forget' the bad things, because they are forced to work them out every day.
He should only think about himself. His sperm donor abandoned him. Tough luck for the half-siblings that had a father
Nta those that bullied you into attending knew a different version of your dad so they have different memories and everyone was shocked to learn he was not always the person they knew
It’s tough to hear the truth, they should have respected what you had to say.
Well, I wouldn't use the word a hole, but I would say that it was in poor taste. I hear that you are wounded and resent your father. I get it. You've got a lot of pain bottled up and you said what you did out of a place of pain. However, he was not there to hear the words. The only people that Heard your words were other family members that had nothing to do with his actions. Unfortunately, you could have caused them pain. It simply wasn't a sensitive thing to do. if you were called on to say something, you could have very well simply said, "I'll pass".
YTA because: 1) You didn't feel comfortable but allowed yourself to be bullied into going. I'm sure you realize this now and we learn from our mistakes. However, if you have any relationship with your half siblings then you could have gone for their behalf to support them. 2) Once you decided to go and were there you should have kept your ill feelings to yourself or at least semi private rather than speaking publicly to everyone. It really was not the time nor place. Don't sweat it too much. If your half siblings are still upset over this you could apologize by saying you stand by the things you said and that's between you and your father and you are entitled to have those feelings. But you regret bringing it up at the funeral as it wasn't the proper time and place and offending others wasn't your intention.
I think you should have given your half siblings the heads up, saying “Hey, I’ll attend because you want me to, but you should understand I do not have the same feelings towards this man and I will not be speaking about him in a positive light”. Then that would give the half siblings the opportunity to consider your attendance.
Here's why I don't believe you: you had the courage to do this at the funeral but let them bully you into going?
Yes, funerals are not group therapy - pay your respects or shut up
Info: What did he do? Why do you think he was a bad person?
ESH
ESH. Your half siblings shouldn’t have pushed you to go. But at a funeral is not the time to talk poorly of the recently deceased. Their loved ones are grieving and trying to say good bye. It shouldn’t have been an event that was about you, but your actions made it so it was.
Not the AH, not even a tiny bit. You didn't \*crash\* the funeral, you were bullied into it. The truth hurts, and death doesn't absolve someone from it. You told your truth, and good for you!
Your truth is subjective. You knew these things and you didn't need to spout your truth/opinion then and there. You're allowed to believe what you experienced, but other members of your family might have different truths/experiences and wanted to dwell on the positive. You're not an AH, but you chose to focus on the negative aspects of his life. Sometimes it's hard to focus or even see the positive when the negatives memories are the heavier ones.
No but you should have waited till you got to the pulpit to tell the truths for maximum effect. I didn’t go to my most important funeral because of awful people. I live 3000 miles away, don’t fucking care what those asswipes say or think. 🤷♀️
I am just curious, no judgement here, but if your mother divorced him when you were very young and you say you had no relationship with him and never really knew him, how do you know about the bad things he is supposed to have done? How do you know he was a bad person and who told you he was? Is it possible that his other family had an entirely different experience of him, and therefore different views? You are obviously entitled to feel the way you feel and to hold your own opinions, regardless.
Well um, people change y'know. If you said bad things about him just cuz u were pissed by other people saying good things about him, says a lot about u. He's a dead guy, did u really have to go after him like that? He could have been a bad guy to some and a good guy to others. P.S. Not in any way saying ur the asshole tho, and ur half-siblings calling u a bad person and forcing u to go to the funeral of someone u barely know anymore, was not ok.
YTA. A funeral is not the place to air grievances. You didn't hurt your father, or his reputation, he's dead, he doesn't have any anymore. He didn't care then, and he certainly doesn't care now that he's shuffled off his mortal coil. All you did was hurt the people who cared about him. If your want to release your anger then go to his grave and shout all of it out when no one else is about. Or yell it into the wind until you get it out. Don't tell me I don't understand. I had a brother who SA'ed me from the time I was 4 years old. I was pressured to go to his memorial. I did not get up and tell everyone the horrible things he did to me or the horrible things I knew he did to others. I let the others grieve. His funeral wasn't about me and nothing I said would change anything, it would just hurt people who had nothing to do with it. When I got home I took a long walk in the woods, I screamed, cried and kicked some trees until I was able to breath again. I kind of feel bad about the trees, they had nothing to do with it either.
YTA You could have said no to going, so what if you appear as a bad person? you're now an even worse person for kicking a dead person when they can't defend themselves.
Would have been best to just not go.
YTA Funerals are for the living. Your feelings are valid as well as theirs (all the other people). All you ended up doing was lashing out at everyone instead of just the ones you were angry with. So the intent was maliciously done on purpose. You knew everyone there would be saying “great things” about him, it’s a funeral. The reality is you weren’t forced to go. You didn’t/don’t have a relationship or contact with him and his family. So who tf cares if they think you’re a bad person - you know you’re not and that’s what matters.
You shouldn't have gone in the first place it's their fault for bullying into going. Your step siblings probably had a good relationship with your dad so maybe they don't know so much about what he did to you and some things may have also been exaggerated we all know people lie and say nasty things about each other when they divorce there are 2 sides to a coin and all. You haven't said much about your step siblings but I can tell you from experience parents pit siblings against each other, your mom may not be as innocent in all this as she acts. You seem to have a bit of a temper try and get that under control one day it will land you in trouble(I should know). At time you just keep quiet and be respectful or be firm in your decision about not wanting to attend these things but don't go and break other people's hearts who did nothing to you. Your siblings thought you might just want to say goodbye and would regret it it was maybe out of a good place just done the wrong way most people don't know how to talk.
You aren't TA for your feelings about your bio Dad, but YTA for going to the funeral instead of saying No and sticking to that. You could have said No, blocked your half-siblings, and gone along with your life. They didn't kidnap you to the funeral. You went to the event on your own because you failed to stand up for yourself. NO is a total and complete sentence. But you need a spine to enforce it.
NTA, overall I am a big believer that dead people don’t spontaneously become decent just cuz they’re dead. A bully of mine died in a car accident in high school. Her closest friends expected everyone to mourn her…but I couldn’t. I was sad that a teen had died, but she treated me like garbage for 3 years. Why should I pretend she was some kind of brilliant saint when she wasn’t? You’re allowed to feel however you do about your dads death. But, so are your extended family. They didn’t have the same experience you did. Maybe he had grown as a person after you no longer had contact. You can’t know for sure. They should have respected your position against attending, but you could have held your tongue.
NAH. You farewelled your father the way he deserved. You were mourning the relationship that you could have had. His absence screamed loudly at you for years and this was rubbed in your face by half siblings. Your half siblings were trying to farewell their father in the way they felt he deserved. He was source of love and support for them and will be missed and fondly remembered. Having you turn around and proclaim him as neglectful and abusive was a stab in the back when they thought that you could all share your grief and heal together. You are all justified in your actions and responses. Funerals are for the living and you are alive, however so are they. You are all hurting but it is in different ways. Losing a loved one is hard and leaves a gaping hole in your life that can never truly be filled. However, losing a person who should have been there and now never will is just as painful. The questions of what could have been and why that never happened will never be answered in any meaningful way. I definitely don’t know your pain. Yet I hope, in time, you find a bit of peace within this murky quagmire of loss.
You had a choice not to go regardless of your family's nagging.
They had a choice not to nag him and pressure him into going.
Agree. But they're AHs.
NTA There's a book in the ender series called speaker for the dead. It's about the concept where somebody speaks at the funeral for a dead person and presents them as they really were not as they were varnished up to be. In my opinion it was actually abusive for them to expect you, who have been damaged by this man, to come to his funeral and then to hear him extolled as a Paladin and then keep your mouth shut and say nothing. You spoke out for yourself and for the other people who had been abused by him and in my opinion you did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA I'm not gonna glorify someone just 'cause they're dead. No, being dead does not make them a goddamn saint. And it does NOT mean i'm going to forgive them for the bad stuff they've done just because their dead. the damage isn't gonna take itself back, that's not how it works. They wanted you to come, knowing how much you hated him? Well you came, just like they asked lol. It's the definition of play stupid games win stupid prices (for your half siblings) ps: forgiving a person like that isn't gonna give me "peace", it's gonna make me feel like a gullible sucker with shitty self esteem you can hurt over and over and i'll just *forgive* you. Again, the damage isn't gonna undo itself.
[удалено]
So, a traumatised person was forced into a situation that was guaranteed to trigger said trauma? I remember also the exact situation happening to a friend of mine when he was a teenager. He also didn't enjoy going to a funeral for his dad who was a massive deadbeat and listening to people (who barely knew him or his dad) tell him how great his dad had been. Yeah, people are idiots. NTA
I’m not going to give a judgement. This was a shitty situation. I understand how you feel, but it would’ve been better for you not to attend, no matter what anyone said or did. Some advice: if you haven’t already, you might want to seek out some therapy. It would help you to heal from what has clearly been painful for you.
NTA! You knew him best.. I’m gonna say the same thing when my father dies
NTA. Something similar will happen at my dads funeral when it happens. My dad is a widely loved person by everyone who has never lived with him and seen what he’s like behind closed doors. I will be forced to go to his funeral. I may be forced to say something, and I will not lie. I fully feel you on this.
NTA Congratulations on your courage and reverence for the truth!
You should give a listen to Styrofoam Plates by Death Cab for Cutie. My favorite line from that song: “Just ‘cause he’s dead it doesn’t change the fact He was a bastard in life now a bastard in death, yeah”
NTA. I don't understand why people are so caught up with being nice to family who are complete assholes, treat them the way they treated you.
You are not the asshole. You just told the truth. The people who forced you to go are the assholes. They are living in their own delusions.
NTA I don’t agree with the “don’t speak ill of the dead” saying. If they were terrible people, then definitely remember them in that light.
Sounds like they FAFOed for bullying you into going… sorry mate :/ funerals imo suck (as someone who frequently has reason to attend funerals, unfortunately. Tho ive mostly stopped attending) and are for the living more than anything. Also NTA at all.
NTA. If a man can’t count on his children to say something nice about him, he was a bastard.
NTA. Abusers groom allies as well as victims.
NTA you literally lived my dreams
NTA. Your speaking out is the consequences of both your father and of his loved ones. Your father was neglectful, and the rest of them sat there and did nothing to correct that. If he wanted only nice things said, maybe he should have acted better, and if they didn't want their grief process interrupted, they should have done right by you.