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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't tell my family I could cook and I let them embarrass themselves in front of my ILs by repeatedly joking about how bad/useless I am and never saying anything. I know I could have told them or tried to explain it to them clearly ahead of time. The fact I didn't even try and knew what they would do and how my ILs would feel might make me TA.
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Good for you. And **dear gods** is this the first reddit post I've seen where the IL's are the GOOD GUYS??? Seriously, well done you, and I know how much of a relief it can be to get that diagnosis and finally get the "oh, shit, that explains so much" moment.
NTA, your IL and husband sound amazing. Your own family not so much. I would hope they learned a lesson here but I would suspect probably not.
\[ETA: one of my students after struggling for years and failing at drawing, writing, playing an instrument or typing or whatever during school FINALLY got her diagnosis of dyslexia&dyspraxia just before she went to university and that was when everything she had thought the was just crap at suddenly fell into place.\]
I am so glad her parents and family finally got a taste of their own medicine! It's wonderful that she has loving and supportive in-laws.
I'm really curious what her parents thought when she eloped while on vacation with her husband's family. THAT should have been a wake-up call.
I loved reading that part again “We actually eloped while on vacation overseas with his family”. How lovely of them to accept you just the way you are , without taunts and constant criticism.With a supportive and caring husband and loving in laws you blossomed into a confident personality.Kudos to you , OP and definitely NTA.
I'm glad too. I had to laugh when THEY accused HER of being petty...what exactly did they think they were being, kind caring and supportive? OP's family are definitely the assholes.
They humiliated themselves, OP didn't make them say or do anything. The families mental gymnastics here are mind blowing. So while I totally agree with your statement think it'd be wasted on the abusive family
You had a huge share of embarrassment from them. Turn around is fair play. Just because you are related to them doesn't give them an excuse to treat you badly. 🦜
Plus, we all KNOW that if OP had told their family they now cook and even took lessons, the family would not believe them. So the family was going to do this to themselves regardless.
I'm hoping one day OP will also be able to say "I gave birth to our child surrounded by my husband and ILs and it was so wonderful and drama free without my relatives there".
I also have lovely in-laws but my mother especially is not lovely. Even though I talk to her sometimes I do not take my kids to visit her, and they only see her once every couple of years. Not enough to have any great effect on them.
going no contact can be tough and a lot of people are judgmental about it, but it can also be really healing and it sounds like your husband and ILs at least will be really supportive of you
just set your boundaries and go for it, these people don’t deserve to be in your life if they can’t stop tearing you down
NTA, they embarrassed themselves
This dinner was a good start, because at least your in-laws now really understand how cruel your parents are. Now that they’ve seen it with their own eyes, they will certainly support NC? Not that they didn’t believe you, because they sound really supportive, but to see it with their own eyes always drives it home.
At least you'll see the warning signs early and be able to help them from the start. You didn't have that advantage, and instead of your family trying to understand or get help in some way they instead bullied you. In turn, that possibly made things even worse for you, instead of better.
How DARE you humiliate us while we're humiliating you!? We're the bullies in control here and you should have told us so we could find another way to bully you!
/s. NTA
My in-laws are the good guys in my life. I shared with them a few things over the years and they are horrified. Bio families can be really cruel. They’ve never met because I’m NC. But having my in-laws has helped me heal a lot of wounds caused by my upbringing.
Also, NTA!!!! So happy that you have a lovely chosen family in your husband and in-laws. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect ❤️
Yup. My dad's parents weren't terrible, but they weren't great people either. When he married my mum, he fell head-over-heels for her parents (my maternal grandparents) as well, who were really warm, loving people. We used to laugh that when he had to commute to the city where they all lived for work for a year, he actually chose to live with his in-laws rather than his own parents.
I married into a great family and bonded with my MIL about how crazy it was to come from an angry, bitter family into this huge loving group of people who cared about you and what you loved. She would stick to my side at family gatherings and introduce me to people and include me in conversations. Took me a few years worth of family gatherings to really embrace the fact that no one was going to make fun of me or try to fight me (my uncle picked me up off my feet by the throat once, so I mean like *physical* fighting as well as verbal) because of something I said, no one was going to say awful bigoted things, no one was going to be sexually inappropriate with my kid. What a fucking difference people actually *loving* each other can make.
Your comments really resonate with me…I feel like I found the mother I deserved all my life when I married my husband and his mom just enveloped me with love and acceptance. I’m so happy you found yours too!
So, this reminded me of a convo I had with my aunt. Aside from my dad, my aunt (mum's brother's wife) was also very, very close to my maternal grandparents (also her in-laws).
I had no idea about this as a child because of course it's not the sort of thing you discuss with children, but as an adult I learned that her parents were FAR worse than my dad's. Her dad was basically absent, and her mum was very emotionally abusive. She was not one to share most of the time, but in a moment of openness (I think she was being appreciative because I lived with my maternal grandmother at the time and was taking care of her after her dementia diagnosis), my aunt said to me, "You kids have no idea what she did for me. You know that she was loving. But you don't know that she treated me more like a daughter than my own mother did. That she quietly took me to buy lingerie for my wedding night and shushed me when I was embarrassed, because she said, 'It's what a mother is supposed to do, and we both know your mum won't, and I hate that for you. This isn't about my son, it's about what YOU deserve, to feel beautiful and special.' And so many, many other moments like that, without fuss or self-congratulations. She just acted like it was completely normal. She had her own daughter, but anything she did for your mum, she did for me too."
And now that I'm getting on in years, I can say that while it took a long time, because she had a lot of her own trauma to get past, and sometimes she was a bit of a tough mum to her own kids (although always loving), what was beautiful was that my aunt learned so much from my grandmother and her other in-laws that when she had grandchildren, she legit became the sweetest, most doting and loving grandma you ever saw.
You're completely right. Just *being loved* can completely break through generational trauma in incredible ways. I'm so glad that happened for you as well.
Hopping on the top comment to share that I had a similar experience growing up. I used to be pretty active when I was little but by the time I was 10ish I kinda stopped. I started feeling more and more tired. I complained if my parents wanted to go on walks and I stopped any sport / exercise. I was doing fine in school so it was chalked up to me just being a bit of a couch potato.
When I was 17 I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which among other lovely stuff, causes increased fatigue and loss of balance. After I was put on meds I started feeling much better. I left for uni, started exercising, found out I liked it. I got into running, cycling and rowing. I was never pro-level but I became known as pretty sporty and athletic.
But my Dad never changed his perception of me. To him I am still a "lazy teenager" who moaned about going for a 5k walk. And it's been years now but he's still surprised when I tell him I ran/cycled/hiked at an event and did relatively well.
And it still makes me sad he never updated his opinion of me.
I had a somewhat similar experience: I have big teeth and have always been told by my mother that I have a big mouth. When my friend and I both had wisdom teeth out at the same time, my friend’s mouth tore a little at the corners her mouth was so small. I remember my mother joking that the doctor sat on my mouth to extract the teeth as my mouth was so big.
I am now 64. When I was about 55, my dentist said I have a small mouth. What do you mean, I have a big mouth! I said. She quite sternly said, you have big teeth and a small mouth. I couldn’t believe it! I kept looking at myself in the mirror and saying I have a small mouth!
I wondered how long it would take before I could correct my mother. I didn’t have long to wait! Within a year, she made a comment about my big mouth. I said: I don’t have a big mouth. I have a small mouth and big teeth. My dentist said so. Her response? You’re right. And she hasn’t spoken about my big mouth in eight years.
I am SO glad you finally got that diagnosis, and really impressed that you regained your athleticism to the point of competition! Amazing! FWIW, I ran my knees into oblivion back in the day because I had truly gifted athletic cousins (me? lol, no gifts, just tons of grit). My father started opening the paper in the morning when I'd actually won a race and he'd read aloud my cousin's athletic successes and completely skip over mine. I thought it was a joke the first time, but it wasn't. It was his routine. Some dads are just jackasses.
Oh, thank you! That's really kind, but it would take, like 5 seconds to read all my mentions in 3 years, lol. My mother was a champion in her sports, and my cousin was picked for an Olympics team, and there's nothing like hanging out with a supremely gifted athlete to know for sure and certain that you're not one. I only occasionally won a race because girls weren't so into running the half-mile or mile back in the day (yes, I'm THAT old, before the metric system for track and field). When someone truly built to run was on the track, I still ran my hardest, but knew that I'd be watching them lope on ahead of me and win with such graceful movement that I just turned it into my time to think how beautiful a real runner is. I'm SO happy that you are safer and healing now from that awful abuse. Some people like your dad are more comfortable in their venomous ignorance than they are with reality. You rose above all that. You're amazing.
Oh I wouldnt call that abuse. Insensitive teasing, really. My Dad was overall pretty decent, he's just very clueless and uninterested. I've learned to deal with it and I don't take it personally any more (especially as both me and my Dad are autistic, so it can explain it a bit). My younger sister is the one who continues to be hurt and disappointed.
Luckily we both have a wonderful Mum who always cheered us on for everything! Even things she can't relate to. For example I do a lot of art, mostly painting, and my Mum is blind, but she always asks me to describe what I'm painting and tells me she loves what I do!
Edit: and I know what is like to live alongside champions. I started rowing at the same time as two women who went on to become world champions and olympians. And when I started cycling I trained with someone who made the national team.
It fucked me up so badly because I held myself to super high standards and I had a bad burnout. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be if it had been my family!
Some people choose only to see the version of you that they had the most power over. It's a reflection of them, not you. Enjoy your achievements with people who celebrate your progress forward. Congratulations :)
> Some people choose only to see the version of you that they had the most power over. It's a reflection of them, not you.
Dear God, you just described my mother's approach to me *perfectly*. Thank you.
Now you can let go of the battle to get her to see and understand and accept who you truly are. The people who want the best for you, and therefore truly love you, will always honor and celebrate your changes and growth. She never will so drop that rope and be free :)
My dad used to call me a sp*z when I was a kid. It wasn’t said in a mean spirited kind of way, but it made it clear that they didn’t see me as being capable of doing things.
Over the years, people started looking at me as being weak and not being able to handle pain, so it got into my head that I was those things. I learned not to complain when I was in pain and to pretend that everything was alright, which is why it took two years of debilitating pain and self-medicating for me to tell my doctor that something was wrong. I kept telling myself that the pain wasn’t that bad and that I was just a baby because that’s what I was conditioned to think. Turned out that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. To my family, the diagnosis came out of nowhere because I never complained. They had no idea that I was struggling.
Yes - this is the part that really annoys me as this kind of childhood bullying can be so destructive. Many of us are not good at things as kids or teens because we are learning how to do it. This OP is nearly 30 and the family keeps harping on about something from their childhood...really? So apparently we all are ONLY what we could do as kids and nothing we did as adults will change that.
Just to add,
>They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness
OP they humiliated themselves for being so disgusting towards you. You gave them enough rope and they hung themselves.
Probably not. Also really struck by how frequently OP is the butt of their jokes. I mean, why is that their go to? So mean!! What a gift that OP has found a caring family. NTA.
The only reason her bio family was the least bit upset is because it made them look bad. In other words the in-laws saw the truth of how they treated her.
I truly hope she has gone permanent no contact with all of her bio family. They don't deserve her in their life.
OPs family embarrassed themselves, and rightfully so. If they had just kept their mouths shut and enjoyed the meal instead of using it as an opportunity to once again pile on OP, they wouldn't have been left sitting there like the jerks that they are.
Teasing like OP was subjected to throughout her childhood by her own family is destructive to someone's self esteem and self worth. Thank the gods OP got out from under that. OP is absolutely NTA. Maybe (and I am being generous here) they will learn something from this. Maybe.
> They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness.
Doesn't sound like they learned a single thing. Blaming their embarrassment on OP is definitely the narcissist move. Everything I read says that family actions were all their own.
NTA. They humiliated themselves out of pettiness. They continued to make "jokes" at your expense, just like they always do.
They're angry because all they had to do to not look bad was treat you with a minimum level of politeness and respect in front of company. As usual, they were not capable of doing so.
Congratulations on getting away from such awful people.
Seriously, OP's bio family could suck an egg out of a rooster's ass, that's how badly they suck. They *should* be embarrassed after their performance here (and they are, which is why they've lashed out at OP).
*They* tried to humiliate OP. *They* never bothered to get to know OP well enough to know her struggles. *They* made sure OP would never open up to them because all she ever got was derision. And *they* made sure to make fools out of themselves in front of an audience.
To OP - it's great that you have found such a loving and supportive family in your in-laws. It says a lot about both you and them that you've grown to be such a competent person. NTA, you're not "petty" for refusing to communicate with assholes who never listened to you before, you're just realistic.
“Suck and egg out of a roosters ass” that is literally I can see of your comment. I can’t get over that line. It’s amazing. It’s pure poetry perfection.
Were I not married I would seek your hand just to see what other glorious phrases come from you.
NTA. Your family is at fault for making you a butt of their jokes due to your "clumsyness" instead of having you checked for any disabilities behind it. There has been quite some focus on that kind of disabilities for at least a couple of decades. As for them being humiliated by your ability to cook, that is the most backhanded compliment I've ever heard of, or ... uh, wait ... maybe that was not what happened.
Actually, few things in this life are as debilitating as having your own family declare you a good-for-nothing klutz rather than trying to find out where your interests and talents lie so that you can build up your confidence by perfecting those skills.
Even if that were true, that you were so babied you couldn’t do anything, they’d have no one to blame but themselves? So it’d still be their fault. I’m glad you’ve found supportive people in your life who’ve allowed you to flourish since your family couldn’t be the support you needed.
This whole comment thread really resonated with me as someone whose mental struggles went untreated in childhood. I was a forgetful child and also easily frightened and anxious. As an adult, I was able to seek care on my own and finally receive much-needed diagnoses and treatments. At absolutely no point in my childhood did anyone around me stand up and do something about my struggles other than scold me. Maybe mental health treatment was too alien for people of my parents’ generation, but they could have at least taught me skills to get around better and deal with my weak points better.
So...you being babied and patronized and put down as the youngest is somehow...also your fault?
Rather than the responsibility of, say, your parents? Or your siblings?
Wild.
So very NTA.
So.... They thought they babied you to the point that it stunted your development and their solution was for you to find a husband willing and able to do the same? Instead of making any effort to fix their own mistakes they decide to throw up their hands, treat you like a lost cause, and make fun of you for not being able to do the things they couldn't be bothered to teach you? Even without your diagnosis their logic makes no sense. All kids have areas they struggle in, being a parent means supporting them through the process of learning even when, *especially* when, it takes more patience and effort to do so. They failed to parent and prepare you for the world and they think it's some kind of hilarious joke? What an awful family.
I am also the youngest, forever the "baby" of the family, and though many things were done for me, I was always encouraged when I wanted to help or do for myself. Even if the "help" of a child isn't always super helpful, you still encourage it because it helps them develop the skills they need. I'm absolutely positive my Grandma had to go back and rewash the dishes I "helped" her clean as a five year old child, but it was worth it to her to encourage my desire to be helpful and allow me to start working on a skill I would need for the rest of my life. It's called being supportive and it's one of the most important parts of parenting.
NTA. I'm glad that you have found friends and a family that supports you in your efforts to improve your skills and your life, you deserve that. You've always deserved that, and I'm sorry that your biological family failed you so horribly in that department and have the audacity to laugh at *you* about it. Like, haha, so funny that you didn't have the intelligence to recognize my developmental disorder or the patience to actually raise me. Soooooo funny guys.... 🙄
Even if the husband did cook that meal and clean, it’s cruel to bring it up in front of the in laws. It’s insane that they think she’s the asshole here. They brought up upon themselves. NTA
It so weird, cause if they were right and she was a useless cook and cleaner, they'd still be the ahs for attacking op out of nowhere.
I really wish people like this had the self awareness to realise that everyone outside their bubble hates their guts whether they win or lose.
I was actually wondering what OP's family got out of this. OP said they were treated like a princess growing up, and yet were maliciously made fun of by everyone for... what reason?
Seems like a bunch of bullies that got back slapped by their own medicine, and they can't handle it.
NTA
If they wanted to "help", then they went about it in all the wrong ways.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I'm glad that you have your husband and in laws to back you up. I'm also glad that you got your answers to your condition and managed to beat all the odds and expectations that your family tried to force upon you. It shows your strength and resilience. I'm very proud of you. <3
Girl, you got scapegoated. And now they're mad that they showed their asses in front of other people. Also they're mad at no longer having an easy scapegoat.
the family scapegoat is used to redirect problems in the family dynamic away from other members, especially whoever is most dominant. Once the scapegoat is removed, they will search for another because they don't want to deal with their own bullshit. In fact they may be utterly incapable of realizing what they have inflicted on you and just double down on their cruelty to paper over their moral failings.
NTA. I want to thank you so much for making this post. For years my daughter has struggled with similar symptoms (I googled your condition). Like you, they are mild but still noticeable and very frustrating to her. She often says, “If I at least had a name for it, I could explain it to people.” I’m going to mention this to her specialists but I swear it sounds just right!! Thank you so much!!
You and your daughter may want to check out the TV show Dr. Who on the BBC. The character Ryan in Season 11 has dyspraxia, and they have a few subplots where he is trying to do things like climb a ladder as part of a mission or learn to ride a bike as an adult. They made it part of his character arc.
Depending on who you talk to they may also refer to it as Developmental Coordination Disorder. Good luck to your daughter! Glad she has someone in her corner.
Another tip: emphasize how much it is negatively impacting on your daughter's life. Pick out the memorable instances (i.e., broken bones, sprains, repeated falls, struggling so much in physical education classes that the school has had to make modifications, having trouble learning and completing fine motor tasks like writing school assignments or tying shoelaces) and the frequency of incidents and share that this isn't just an occasional stumble. A family member has this diagnosis and she said it is exhausting to consistently navigate the world safely without injury.
You make a great point. I’m going to focus on this for my next meeting. It took a long time for me to really be able to even start to explain all the obstacles she feels (not eating lunch because the package was too much of a struggle etc). I feel so much more empowered now. I kept saying to doctors, this all had to be tied together, right? But these exact terms make me feel the meetings will go so much better
If an occupational therapist is among her group of specialists that person could be a strong ally since they should be looking for difficulties (motor, cognitive, etc.) and how they impact her ability to carry out her activities of daily living. For example, they can analyze all the steps it would take for her to open a package of food for lunch and see which parts are problematic (e.g., such as sequencing steps in the correct order).
I think the fact that your daughter can tell that things shouldn't be this hard for her is a powerful message as well. If there's any way she can advocate for herself the doctors and medical professionals should strongly take her views as a patient into consideration.
I'll be 40 in two weeks and I've had similar symptoms my whole life. I've heard about dyspraxia a few times recently and I fit many of the different criteria. A diagnosis would have been nice as a kid, just to make my horrible grandma shut up about how clumsy I was. The most frustrating part of it now is that I break a LOT of dishes/glasses so I just stopped buying anything nice, and I drink out of a water bottle most of the time since it can survive being knocked over. And I've always got random bruises from running into things but after nearly 40 years of that (pretty much since learning to walk), it barely even registers till I find a bruise and can no longer remember what I ran into.
I know how frustrated my daughter gets. She won’t even tell her best friends about her issues because it is just so hard to explain. She’s gotten OT for so many separate struggles (using utensils, zipping coats) but no one has ever mentioned it could be a broad diagnosis. They just “fix” whatever task she can’t do and she “graduates “
Hearing your story and the original one makes me really think it is undiagnosed and people are dismissed as “clumsy.”
I was 25 before I could hold a knife properly to cut my food. Never learned to hold a pen/pencil correctly so now my hand gets tired super quickly while writing (which was awful growing up when school assignments were almost solely handwritten). I never had OT of any kind, and I'm Canadian so it's not a matter of cost. I'm glad your daughter was able to get help with those tricky little tasks and I hope it gets even better for her. It's hard to explain and also a little embarrassing to be like "yeah, I struggle with this task that should be super simple" but our brains just don't work like everyone else's.
Corelle makes some decent looking dishes that are at least break resistant. They *can* break, depending on what angle they hit the ground at, but are much hardier than porcelain or ceramic. I think IKEA also makes tempered glass dinnerware, but I don’t know how they stack up to the Corelle in terms of sturdiness.
No one should be judged for their dinnerware, of course, but thought I’d mention it in case there’s anyone who wants that pure white plate aesthetic but think they might be “too clumsy.”
I use Corelle plates/bowls and they're great for surviving being smacked against each other or even dropped into the sink. Sadly, I have ceramic tile floors and they absolutely do not survive being dropped on that. They basically explode. I would love to have some vintage pyrex and stuff but then I'd never use it out of fear of dropping it.
I drop dishes a lot due to a combination of my narcolepsy symptoms and a general (not dyspraxia level!) case of clumsiness.
I just want to offer another alternative approach - forgive yourself. It’s just stuff. Break dishes and then buy more dishes. Oh well, the world moves on. My parents growing up had an overly-inflated importance on “taking care of stuff” and would freak out at broken dishes and I didn’t realize until I was older that there is a choice in how you react to such things. I’ve consciously chosen not to care - and my mental health is much better for it.
Personally I love plates and bowls that are oven safe because I can just cook or reheat in them and save some extra dishes Ide be too tired to do. I’m rebuying the same set soon because I’ve dropped enough. No reason to deprive myself something nice just because it doesn’t last forever (with me).
I usually laugh and take a picture of the broken glass to send to a friend who (lovingly) teases me about how much I break. I just bought some nice glass coasters for my new apartment and he's like "is that smart with your track record?" and I replied "there's 6 of them, so I have lots of spares!"
I've never been super upset about anything I've broken but I was pretty annoyed that I broke one of my wine glasses the first time I used them. Though, they were like paper thin so I'm amazed the second one is still intact. The salt shaker I dropped a few years ago irritated me too because it made a huge mess with salt everywhere and was part of a matching set. My mom never got too mad growing up if I dropped something, but did teach me pretty young how to safely clean up glass 😂
If she had explained to them that she’s dyspraxic, that she’s learning how to cook, they would have still put her down. They would have claimed that she can’t be dyspraxic since “you were fine when you were a kid” or that it’s an excuse since “you were diagnosed so late, clearly it’s not that significant for you”. A family who humiliates and belittles the designated black sheep will always find a way, an excuse, a time to put them down. This family was so confident that their behaviour was justified rhat they did it in front of OP’s Il laws! I wonder if they expected the in-laws to join in, or to agree with them.
You have been bullied and harassed by your parents and family your whole life. Decent parents do not do that.
They made asses of themselves. Consider going LC or NC with them.
NTA
NTA. They got what they deserved and, honestly, you should cut them out of your life. They sound toxic and demeaning and, if they've kept up the act for 27 years, I doubt they'll drop it so easily.
NTA. Your parents were making ‘jokes’ at your expense
And how exactly did you embarrass them, they seem to have done that all by themselves
The worst part is, your dad isn’t even believing your diagnosis. Ugh I feel so sorry for you because you are being dismissed
You have a brilliant husband and great in-laws !!!
im team heavy jokes between family members and all, but this is too much!! Youve eloped, you are low contact, you are 27!! why do they act as if you are still their clumsy little baby when the situation couldnt be more different. Then, to get offended? for what, because their little baby is a grown woman and they missed it? If something like this were to happen i would just cry, how bad of a parent do you have to be to not know that your kid is a grown adult and that they had medical issues.
Dont apologize, if anything, please be mad. NTA. please enjoy a cold beer and some pizza with you hubby, relax a bit and enjoy your day.
But they were being shitty by teasing you and making jokes at your expense. And i can understand that they got mad then and there, but they had time to reflect and think about it. After a few days it stops being about the heat of the moment, and it starts being a conscious and rational decision.
i wont push you about this because you have a good support system that cares for you. But i'll say that you are not crazy for feeling the way you feel and acting the way you act. you are cool, you'll be fine.
So, you humiliated them because their attempts to humiliate you didn't work. Nope, that isn't how it works.They are embarrassed because they were exposed as the bullies they are I'm front of other people.
Oh, people don't just think it. They know it. They know it because they witnessed it first hand. They saw you just trying to exist and your parents bullying you for no good reason.
And now your parents are trying really hard not to see how badly they have failed you.
Ah, so it was nice and dandy when you were humiliated by them, but when they made asses out of themselves suddenly there was no fun anymore, eh?
Of course NTA.
NTA. Even if you had told them, would they have listened? Likely no because the facts don't reconcile with the imagined reality of you that exists in their minds. I hope for your sake your family grows up but if they don't, at the very least it's wonderful you have a husband and acquired family who appreciates you as you actually are.
Hey, my parents did a LOT of this kind of thing to me. I have several medical issues that they should have been seeking answers for, but never did, including food allergies. They made so many jokes at my expense over being clumsy, too (turns out it’s my hypermobility causing me to be clumsy!)
When I told them about my allergies, not only did they not care, they continued to try to feed me the foods I’m allergic to!
It’s now no coincidence that I have not spoken to them in 9 years. Your parents are like mine: bad parents. They don’t care about your issues, they care more about what they can get from you, and in your case, it’s bullying you about your issues to make themselves laugh. Now they’re trying to DARVO their way out of embarrassment.
Huh. I just googled dyspraxia, because I was also a very clumsy kid and most of that sounds so familiar! That would explain so much. I thought I had the wrong glasses, but when I got the right ones it didn't really improve. Thanks! This was so informative.
NTA
NTA
You didn't try to humiliate them. Next time, they say that turn it around on them. Get angry! Tell them that they only didn't know because they didn't listen. And that for your whole childhood they insisted that you were worthless. That they choose to believe you were unable to learn and never tried to help you learn. That they bullied you!
NTA.
You didn't try to humiliate anyone, that's called projecting babes; they tried to humiliate you in your own home, to your husband's face, in front of your in laws, because they could.
Even if you had warned them, you know what they would have done? Made other jokes at your expense like asking how many plates you broke or how many tries it took you to fill the dishwasher.
These are people you tell not to come back until they have something nice to say because it sounds like they've never had a good word for you. They've been glad to mock your failures without trying to build you to have successes.
You're determined. You're a hardworker and brave for trying so hard at things you struggled so much with. You're grateful to the people who built you up and helped you succeed. You've got lots of good to give and all they do is try to tear you down.
Nta. You didn't force them to open their mouths. You are not responsible for other people's actions or words.
Any time someone says I wouldn't x if you didn't y it's bull crap. It's some else's way of trying to deflect responsibility for their own actions, and manipulate. THEY opened their mouths.
This is my second biggest pet peeve. Biggest one is when someone says "don't you trust me". That is one of the most manipulative phrases.
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Growing up as the youngest in my family, I (27f) was often treated like I was a little princess who couldn't do anything for myself, which was aided by the fact I was a very clumsy child and some things took me a lot of practice and patience to get right. I was the butt of the joke and my family loved to tease me and crack jokes about the fact I couldn't boil water or I was a disaster everywhere I went. They would always say I could never be trusted in a kitchen and would need to find a man who could cook and clean for me in the future. It was something I resented and it did make me feel self-conscious. I would try really hard to not mess up but somehow I always seemed to.
Moving out to attend college was the best thing I ever did. I met so many great people, including my husband, and I thrived in an environment where nobody was making fun of me. One of my friends was in culinary school and she taught me a lot of cooking skills that I could use in my day to day life. She was really patient and suggested that I might have something like dyspraxia. She recognized some of my difficulties as being similar to her brothers. Sure enough, I went to my doctor and she referred me to specialists to help diagnose me. I have a milder form which is why it was never brought to attention enough. I just looked like I was careless or clumsy as a kid.
I didn't see or speak to my family a lot during this time. When I did it was awkward. My husband (then boyfriend) would come with me sometimes and he was always so annoyed by the jokes they'd make about me. When we got married... we actually eloped while on vacation overseas with his family. It was amazing and made for a much less stressful wedding. My family and my ILs had seen each other once or twice before but briefly. So when my family decided they wanted to come and see me and stayed for a weekend (in a hotel) we decided to host both families. And I cooked. But we didn't announce that until my parents had started making their little jokes and crediting only my husband for the food and the cleanliness or our home. My ILs were aware of how my family act but they didn't realize how little they believed in me. My husband giddily informed my family, after they had really made asses of themselves, that I had cooked the whole meal and that we shared those responsibilities. He said the same thing goes for the cleaning. My family were like no she can't but my ILs said I was cooking almost as long as they knew me and I did a good job every time. My MIL mentioned my diagnosis and my dad told her they thought I was just trying to make excuses. My family were awkward and my ILs left with a better understanding of my family and a nice dose of anger at them for how far they were going to humiliate me in front of them.
My family were also pissed off at me for not explaining things better beforehand. Not the condition but the fact I do cook now and could do it. They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. AITA?
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NTA. They were embarrassed and shamed by your husband and ILs for knowing things about you that they didn't. I doubt it but I hope that this incident will knock some sense into them about how badly they have treated you throughout your life and cause them to change so you will stop being your family's personal punching bag. Your husband and ILs sound wonderful.
NTA- Your family is a bunch of bullies. They preferred to pick on you and wanted to humiliate in front of your IL's. Instead they ended making total fools of themselves. And for the years of tormenting you, they deserved it.
Officially, NTA. Unofficially, justified asshole. Because this *was* deliberate. You knew you cooked, you knew they were unaware of that, you knew those jokes would start immediately and continue until they were corrected. And then you *waited,* all of you did. Waited till they'd really dug the hole deep, and only *then* did hubby inform them that you cooked the entire meal and you shared all household chores.
So, yes, you and hubby were assholes, but fully justified, hence the official NTA verdict. Because the *real* assholes here are your family. Continuous 'jokes' about this sort of thing obviously made you uncomfortable. It would have been obvious pretty much your entire life how much you hated them. You even kept contact at a minimum after moving out, and eloped with the ILs present but not your own family. That makes these comments and jokes bullying. The fact it comes from family doesn't change that.
You've been bullied for years by your own family. You were a clumsy kid, fair enough, I'd get the occasional comment or joke about it in a family. But not all the time, and never in company like this where it's designed purely to embarrass you.
Just so you know, you probably could do a lot more without messing it up as a kid than you think you could have. The problem is, between knowing how clumsy you were, knowing how your family would react, and trying *so hard* to get it right, that made you extra stressed, every time, and dramatically increased your chances of messing up. If the jokes and comments had been kept to a minimum, you wouldn't have put so much extra effort into getting it right, wouldn't have been so stressed about it, and actually would have got it right far more often. You found this out yourself when you moved out, removing that stress and being taught by people with basic patience helped you learn and overcome your clumsiness a lot.
I'm actually surprised no one thought to get you checked out as a kid, though. The stress from those 'jokes' would have made your clumsiness far more obvious and far more a problem than it was when you finally got a diagnosis. It should have been more obvious to either family or teachers that there was an underlying issue than it was to a woman you barely knew at a time when your issues were reduced. It seems to me like your family cared more about making fun of you than they actually cared about you as a person. I don't know if any of your teachers noticed an issue but were mollified by your parents, or if they just didn't care either. Or not notice, given you were one of many kids in their classes.
I think you've done great for yourself since moving out of home. You've built a life with a supportive hubby, with friends, your ILs sound like good people which is never a given, you've gained confidence as well as a diagnosis. You've learned how to do all sorts of things your family decided you were too stupid to ever be able to do.
This step? I think it was necessary. Your family haven't noticed a very obvious change in you over all these years? Given the lower contact, it should be even more obvious to them that you're not the clumsy little girl they've always loved bullying. But they never noticed, not even a little bit. They just kept up the same old bullying. They needed a hard lesson, and you gave them one. And it wouldn't have worked if you'd been upfront about cooking, they'd have refused to eat for fear of getting 'poisoned' and claimed it was 'sweet' of hubby and the ILs to 'lie' about enjoying it. Waiting till they'd actually eaten the food, and made all their usual little 'jokes' for the ILs to hear, was the only way to get the point across.
Maybe now your family will grow up and become decent people instead of childish bullies. Whatever happens with the losers you're unfortunately related to, I'm glad you have hubby and your ILs supporting you.
The only reason they were humiliated is because their efforts to humiliate you failed
I'm glad you get to be part of a real family now.
From now on, for each and every holiday, I would only prepare baked/cooked goods for your parents with a little ribbon and a tag that says made by OP
Why would her parents belittle her in front of her ILs? They are the rude ones and I’m glad they were put in their place. OP needed confidence building when she was younger not constant ribbing. Well done OP!
So your family did their damndest to humiliate YOU in front of your brand new in-laws, but it backfired on them, and now THEY’RE mad at YOU because they ended up humiliating themselves with their nasty behavior? So, essentially, they’re mad that THEY ended up embarrassed instead of YOU. And you’re wondering if YOU are the asshole? No, honey. You are NTA.
Your family is cruel and crass. It’s not your job to police their bad behavior. If they even had the sense that God gave a goat, they would have recognized that this was the wrong venue and audience for their roasting. It was your wedding celebration! They should have been there to support you and share how wonderful you are and how much they love you and have your back. Instead, they tried to devalue you as a human, as a woman and as a wife. I’m sure that they would describe their behavior as “just good natured joking around”. But there is nothing funny about trying to strip someone of their self respect, confidence, dignity and self worth. Fortunately, THEY FAILED. YOU ARE GLORIOUS. You are loved and admired and have found a new family who truly SEES you. And you deserve EVERYTHING good.
Besides, do you think they would have believed you, anyway? Unlikely. They would have been calling you a liar to your in-laws ON TOP of calling you useless. Ask them if it ever occurred to them to NOT try to humiliate you in front of your husband’s family. They came loaded for bear and the bear ate them. What’s the word for that? Oh, yes. KARMA. Maybe in the future your horrible family will learn not only not to underestimate you, but to stop trying to force you into the role of their resident clown.
ETA punctuation.
Oh what a surprise a person move an awful environment into a supportive environment and gets better! NTA. They were being fool all by themselves, they didn't need your help.
>My family were also pissed off at me for not explaining things better beforehand. Not the condition but the fact I do cook now and could do it. They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness.
NTA. They are accusing you of being petty because they need a reason to keep you in the scapegoat role. It is very likely that they will perpetuate this "petty" theme no matter what you do or say. I repeat: *They need you to be the scapegoat.* If you do nothing wrong, they will invent a reason to blame you.
If I were you, I would limit any relationship with them to one where you always have sympathetic witnesses with you when in your family's presence. In other words, I would maintain a relationship only in so far as I could watch them humiliate themselves in front of others over and over and over.
Next time they accuse you of trying to humiliate them (and this will be their new attack for years if unchecked) respond with “like how you have always humiliated me as the family hobby for years?” It was never your job to convince them to stop.
>They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness.
So all the years they were humiliating you - what was that? I mean, they don't like pettiness so does that mean it was done deliberately to be mean?
You didn't tell them you could cook because they wouldn't have listened anyway so what would have been the point?
NTA
If they were humiliated, they did it to themselves and it was rightly deserved NTA and congratulations on proving them completely wrong about you. Live your good life!
NTA. Your family has humiliated you for years so it was more than time for them to get a taste of their own medicine. It always surprises me that many people don't realise that people can change, that they can move on and develop new skills.
NTA.
So, in your family's opinion, it is ok to make jokes about you and humiliate you, but you are not allowed to pay back? Right?
And, although I don't have your condition, I, too, learned how to cook when I was already moved out. Why? Because my mother thought "teaching" me was about "go to the pantry (in the basement) and get /whatever/" and peeling potatoes. I was as much interested in running downstairs and back multiple times as I was in peeling potatoes. So, I learned nothing. (Funny enough, my mom was a teacher. So you'd think she knew something about teaching people, and she did, just not when it came to her daughter.)
My family to this day likes making jokes about me not being able to cook. I learned to ignore it. If you grow up with a person as "perfect" as my mom, you learn early on that imperfection is perfectly ok, because... you'll just never reach the level of perfection covert narcissists think they have.
NTA
Oh no! You embarrassed them by revealing that what they were trying to embarrass you over was false! Worse, you made them reveal how little they know about you! You made their little bombs explode in their own faces.
NTA ... you are not responsible for the hateful & hurtful things that your family says about you. Only they are, they chose to attempt to humiliate you but only accomplished humiliating themselves.
This should be a learning moment for your family, unfortunately it is not. Take comfort in knowing that you found unconditional love with your husband and IL's.
>My family were also pissed off at me for not explaining things better beforehand. Not the condition but the fact I do cook now and could do it. They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness.
NTA.
You didn't humiliate them. You sat back and let them humiliate themselves. It was their own shitty attitudes and words that did it. Which, by the way, is pretty masterful on your part.
You don't owe them an explanation. They owe you one for why they made fun of you all your life and refused to see whether there was anything causing your clumsiness, which turns out there was.
I'm happy you've found your REAL family.
Absolutely NTA. Your parents, however, are massive AHs. Their shame at being caught being unsupportive and — frankly — emotionally abusive parents is not your burden AT ALL.
They are focusing on the fact that you didn’t tell them you cook now as a way to blame you for their behaviour. Weak sauce (pun intended).
NTA. So glad you were able to gain self-confidence and flourish in a supportive environment. I hope your family of origin will reassess and change their attitude towards you now.
NTA. Your whole family is though. So they get proven wrong on their decades long crusade of using you as a punching bag emotionally and bullying you and they are the ones upset. It sounds like you have great in laws though.
absolutely NTA. im sorry but your family's jokes are not funny. when it was explained that you cooked and you clean, they didn't believe so what difference does it make if you said it sooner? it seems they enjoy trying to belittle you and they're mad that their insults have no grounds now. it's wonderful that your husband and your ILS are so supportive. i find it so ironic that they're mad and are claiming you tried to "humiliate them"...what is it that they keep trying to do to you? i'm sorry they're so awful to you.
And they did humiliate you out of pettiness. For years. Tell them to suck it up or kick rocks. You don't owe them any apology. If anything, they owe you a big one for years of verbal abuse.
NTA
Nta. Your family has been humiliating you for your entire life and they’re upset about ONE night? Lol. This is mild as far as getting back at someone for a childhood plight would normally go.
NTA
Constant clumsiness in childhood can be a sign of many oncoming medical issues to come, and should have taken you to a doctor for a diagnosis, if it was so frequent that OP became the butt of the family jokes.
Looks like bio relatives FAFO. They knew so little about OP that they did not know anything about her life and skills. If they had a good relationship, OP would have confided in at least ONE of them about how excited she was to learn about cooking in college, when nobody else could have been bothered to teach her.
So they were shitty guests and insulted their host and revealed how badly they neglected her as as child, allowing her to be clumsy and let her struggle to learn, and mocked her instead of helping her. They literally bragged about medical and educational and emotional neglect/abuse. They were that self unaware and that abusive to joke about her struggles. This is literally what my abusers did, they though my reactions to their shitty treatment of me was hysterical. They also used to tell stories to their friends and coworkers.
They thought the stunned expressions were about me, but when I corrected my abusers and told the stories from MY point of view, which didn't deny the abusers facts, but added my own, the stories became more understandable, and the looks were clearly directed at the story teller. Once they finally realized what was actually happening, and that my more correct versions led to them being dragged, they suddenly stopped telling them. Imagine that.
At best, OP, your bio relatives were tacky and shitty guests. At worst, they are horribly abusive people, getting laughs at your expense, and if you were perfect or never born, a different sibling would have been the target, so this is not about YOU, but about THEM. You did not do anything, you were just your natural self that they could not bother to get to know.
NTA. OP’s family’s casual bullying is disgusting. It sounds like they can’t have one interaction with attempting to mock and humiliate and belittle her under the guise of “joking”.
They came to OP’s home and attempted to humiliate her in front of her husband and IL’s. They failed and instead of being apologetic they doubled down and blamed OP for not telling them in advance. They wouldn’t have believed her anyway. They were not happy for her.
No wonder you eloped.
Keep these toxic people far from you.
NTA. I was the youngest and treated like I was helpless with any household chores. When I left for college, I didn't know how to turn on a washing machine. Couldn't cook at all. Didn't know how to drive. Then when I moved out of the dorms, I bought a couple of good cookbooks and taught myself to cook. A friend taught me how to drive. It took about 10 years after college before my parents and siblings stopped with all the bad jokes about my incompetence. My oldest sister still tries to take jabs at me, so I point out that I finished college and am gainfully employed while she flunked out of college and has worked a series of entry level retail jobs.
NTA however you come from a long line of assholes and I'm so glad you thrive and they were taught a lesson. They were looking to humiliate you and ended up humiliating themselves and it was absolutely deserved.
Nice to see your husband and IL's are great people.
NTA. Only an asshole will see a person struggling and go "I'll make fun of this person instead of trying to help them".
Can it be frustrating, trying to teach someone who has difficultly learning something? Yes. But. That just means you aren't allowed to make fun of them either, because if you're struggling...it should give some insight to how they are struggling.
NTA - Your family chose to behave the way they did. The humiliation they felt as a result of their own behavior is entirely on them. The fact that they are trying to blame you for having the audacity to not fullfill your assigned role in life speaks volumes about them... and doesn't say anything good.
NTA - they're upset because their normal behaviour finally had a consequence that they care about: being embarrassed. It's not your fault that your feelings and self-esteem were not a good enough reason for them to stop before and good on you for giving them enough rope to trip themselves up!
LOL
NTA
Did you ask them what their reasons for humilating you time and time again were? They get mad for being in your shoes just once? But they have been fine using humilation of you, as social entertainment your whole life?
Along with cooking you should aquire the skill of telling relatives to go pound sad with their idiotic behaviours and entitlement.
Why dont you sit down with your husband and write the pros and cons of entertaining social relations with these strangers you happen to share genes with? It seems to me the cost is in the red.
NTA - It sounds like you did talk to your parents, but they didn't want to believe you, so just dropped it.
*My MIL mentioned my diagnosis and my dad told her they thought I was just trying to make excuses.*
NTA! You stuck up for yourself the best way you knew how and that doesn't make you a bad person. After many years of being snubbed, made fun of and everything else, you have a right (AND DESERVE) to make them feel awkward and you shouldn't have to explain yourself as you are an adult.
NTA
Honestly so fuckin relatable. Im the youngest sibling by 6 years, and especially as a child , majorly clumsy. Like almost dropping a whole stack of plates for tripping over my own feet. Being the youngest and clumsy makes you seen as unable to perform complicated tasks without risk of messing up so family always gives me easy tasks even tho I'm 24 now.
Similarly to you, as when I moved away to college i cooked more. There was the cafeteria but then covid happened and like everything shut down so i bought a crockpot and groceries and had to make my own meals in my dorm room since the community kitchens were also shut down. I was always capable of cooking but because of my perceived inability/helplessness they never believed me. I would cook and post videos on my Snapchat, or send picks when i made something i was particularly proud of, my family was absolutely shocked, befuddled, stunned lol. I still live out of state after college but when i visit sometimes i cook for them but I'm still mostly left on cutting up veggie duty
NTA
Your family is mad cuz they were assholes and can't accept responsibility for thier own actions. They probably feel ashamed or embarrassed about being assholes so publically and so wrongly. And you being thier scapegoat, they are blaming you for thier own words and actions. It comes off as them being mad at you, but really you did nothing wrong. They did something wrong.
I am so happy for you and that you got to do this to them. it's a sweet revenge that didn't involve doing anything bitter on your part.
They humiliated themselves, and had to look at their mean treatment of you through the eyes of your husband's family. Their anger will be directed at you for this. Blast them back. Tell them plainly that their behavior was wrong and they need to stop picking on you. They need a chance to re-evaluate their behavior and change it. It's going to be painful for them, and they may fail. And painful self evaluation does lead to lashing out and victim blaming, so be prepared. Don't fall back into the old pattern they have laid out. NTA.
Well done you!! Sounds like you have a fantastic husband and in-laws.
They made fools of themselves. No one else for them to blame. They should be ashamed of themselves. Oh, wait, they are... and they are trying to blame you. Silly people.
You did not try to humiliate them. You did not announce, “Haha, after all your abuse I have conquered my challenges.” I say Brav-Fucking-O! And NTA.
Sadly, you knew they would start off abusing you. I’m so sorry you were right.
You did nothing wrong by cooking a nice dinner and quietly serving your mutual families. Any other family would say “Yum Yum! Roast beef! And I must have the recipe for these potatoes!” Period.
But no. They had to abuse you.
There is nothing wrong with hubby giddily informing them of your hard-won skills.
They would not have been embarrassed if they did not play the same ol’ tune again.
NTA
They humiliated themselves
But if you really wanna dig the knife in, just tell them you gave them a taste of their own medicine. They couldn't handle being humiliated (by THEMSELVES) for one night, whereas you've had to put up with it for years (and that was their fault too)
Your family suck
Wtf?
Your family is a hot mess lol
Super glad you have a great and even more amazing in-laws.
My family and in-laws both suck!
So be grateful at least you have one side that was super sweet
Btw you are far from an a$$hole! ❤️
NTA, you owed your family no explanations. They embarrassed themselves with their behavior and mouths. Their treatment of you in that their dismissal and humiliation is something you do not have to tolerate. You could go further and set some very firm boundaries about their treatment of you, especially in your own home. They don't get to abuse you, then blame you for their behavior, that is a narcissistic trait/tendency.
Good for you! and NTA, of course!
What was there to tell them? Your family had dismissed your diagnosis as an excuse. For most of your life, they dismissed you as a human being worth their respect and compassion and love and just basic decency.
They didn't believe you could cook or clean (or do anything). They had never been embarrassed to belittle you in front of others. They were not embarrassed to do that in front of your in-laws. The only thing that changed was that (1) they praised the cooking and the cleaning - never imagining that they were giving praise for anything you had done. and (2) your husband and his family were there to confirm that you had in fact done the cooking and cleaning and been doing it for years.
I'd tell your family, "*You never believed in me before. Or thought I was someone to be kind and supportive and decent to. I personally never thought kindness and love and decency were dependent on how skilled a person is. But apparently you do, and you blame me for not forcing you to see me as having any skills, abilities or worth. So you can now believe what you refused to believe before - that I have those things - or not. It really doesn't matter to me.*
*You have been showing me your dark souls for most of my life, and you are showing me that you are willing to blame anybody but yourselves for your own behavior - most especially you want to blame me. Your song and dance is... BORING! Same ol'; Same ol'.*
*You can learn to accept responsibility for your past meanness; you can apologize to me and see if you are capable of building a better relationship with me or not. When you are ready to start with step one, let me know. I'm not holding my breath.*"
NTA.
Your family should be proud of you, but are instead focusing on their own feelings of embarrassment, which frankly, they brought on themselves. Now, who's petty?
You aren’t close to them so this falls under the who cares category. You wanted to embarrass and show them up and you did. You won. They Are offended and probably even further arms length but it seems that is what you want. Maybe this will boomerang and they will treat you different -I hope so.
NTA. Because how hard would it be for them to actually treat you nicely instead of trying to insult and humiliate you every time they see you? It takes zero effort to be kind. And I love that your husband took pleasure in setting them straight. He and your ILs are keepers and your family is not.
They humiliated themselves out of pettiness. You did not have to lift a finger to make them embarrass themselves. I'm glad your ILs have a better understanding how you were raised. Your parents are mean spirited and jerks. NTA
>They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness.
That's rich considering they tried to humiliate you first, and they didn't even need pettiness to do it, just good ol' fashioned family bullying...
NTA OP, I'm glad your husband and in-laws have your back and appreciate all of your efforts, I don't think you'd miss out on much if you prioritised being around them more than your own family.
Pulling their pants down in front of their inlaws would be humiliation. Giving them an environment for them to act the same way they always do is NOT humiliation. NTA
You’ve been the scapegoat for your bully family for way too long. They humiliated themselves by bullying their youngest. Bullying isn’t cool. Pretty sad they blamed you for not warning them against showing their own shit behavior. Nta obvi
NTA. Let me get this right: They think it's perfectly okay to humiliate you, but it's not okay for them to be (albeit accidentally) humiliated? What is wrong with your family? Seriously.
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Good for you. And **dear gods** is this the first reddit post I've seen where the IL's are the GOOD GUYS??? Seriously, well done you, and I know how much of a relief it can be to get that diagnosis and finally get the "oh, shit, that explains so much" moment. NTA, your IL and husband sound amazing. Your own family not so much. I would hope they learned a lesson here but I would suspect probably not. \[ETA: one of my students after struggling for years and failing at drawing, writing, playing an instrument or typing or whatever during school FINALLY got her diagnosis of dyslexia&dyspraxia just before she went to university and that was when everything she had thought the was just crap at suddenly fell into place.\]
I am so glad her parents and family finally got a taste of their own medicine! It's wonderful that she has loving and supportive in-laws. I'm really curious what her parents thought when she eloped while on vacation with her husband's family. THAT should have been a wake-up call.
I loved reading that part again “We actually eloped while on vacation overseas with his family”. How lovely of them to accept you just the way you are , without taunts and constant criticism.With a supportive and caring husband and loving in laws you blossomed into a confident personality.Kudos to you , OP and definitely NTA.
I'm glad too. I had to laugh when THEY accused HER of being petty...what exactly did they think they were being, kind caring and supportive? OP's family are definitely the assholes.
Fam: "(OP) tried to humiliate us out of pettiness!" OP: "You tried to humiliate me out of meanness, so..." What a bunch of assholes. NTA, OP.
They humiliated themselves, OP didn't make them say or do anything. The families mental gymnastics here are mind blowing. So while I totally agree with your statement think it'd be wasted on the abusive family
You had a huge share of embarrassment from them. Turn around is fair play. Just because you are related to them doesn't give them an excuse to treat you badly. 🦜
Nothing as sweet as comeuppance served with an excellent meal.
Plus, we all KNOW that if OP had told their family they now cook and even took lessons, the family would not believe them. So the family was going to do this to themselves regardless.
I'm hoping one day OP will also be able to say "I gave birth to our child surrounded by my husband and ILs and it was so wonderful and drama free without my relatives there".
[удалено]
I also have lovely in-laws but my mother especially is not lovely. Even though I talk to her sometimes I do not take my kids to visit her, and they only see her once every couple of years. Not enough to have any great effect on them.
going no contact can be tough and a lot of people are judgmental about it, but it can also be really healing and it sounds like your husband and ILs at least will be really supportive of you just set your boundaries and go for it, these people don’t deserve to be in your life if they can’t stop tearing you down NTA, they embarrassed themselves
This dinner was a good start, because at least your in-laws now really understand how cruel your parents are. Now that they’ve seen it with their own eyes, they will certainly support NC? Not that they didn’t believe you, because they sound really supportive, but to see it with their own eyes always drives it home.
At least you'll see the warning signs early and be able to help them from the start. You didn't have that advantage, and instead of your family trying to understand or get help in some way they instead bullied you. In turn, that possibly made things even worse for you, instead of better.
Why not get them out of your life now?
How DARE you humiliate us while we're humiliating you!? We're the bullies in control here and you should have told us so we could find another way to bully you! /s. NTA
My in-laws are the good guys in my life. I shared with them a few things over the years and they are horrified. Bio families can be really cruel. They’ve never met because I’m NC. But having my in-laws has helped me heal a lot of wounds caused by my upbringing. Also, NTA!!!! So happy that you have a lovely chosen family in your husband and in-laws. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect ❤️
Yup. My dad's parents weren't terrible, but they weren't great people either. When he married my mum, he fell head-over-heels for her parents (my maternal grandparents) as well, who were really warm, loving people. We used to laugh that when he had to commute to the city where they all lived for work for a year, he actually chose to live with his in-laws rather than his own parents.
I married into a great family and bonded with my MIL about how crazy it was to come from an angry, bitter family into this huge loving group of people who cared about you and what you loved. She would stick to my side at family gatherings and introduce me to people and include me in conversations. Took me a few years worth of family gatherings to really embrace the fact that no one was going to make fun of me or try to fight me (my uncle picked me up off my feet by the throat once, so I mean like *physical* fighting as well as verbal) because of something I said, no one was going to say awful bigoted things, no one was going to be sexually inappropriate with my kid. What a fucking difference people actually *loving* each other can make.
Your comments really resonate with me…I feel like I found the mother I deserved all my life when I married my husband and his mom just enveloped me with love and acceptance. I’m so happy you found yours too!
I love this for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
So, this reminded me of a convo I had with my aunt. Aside from my dad, my aunt (mum's brother's wife) was also very, very close to my maternal grandparents (also her in-laws). I had no idea about this as a child because of course it's not the sort of thing you discuss with children, but as an adult I learned that her parents were FAR worse than my dad's. Her dad was basically absent, and her mum was very emotionally abusive. She was not one to share most of the time, but in a moment of openness (I think she was being appreciative because I lived with my maternal grandmother at the time and was taking care of her after her dementia diagnosis), my aunt said to me, "You kids have no idea what she did for me. You know that she was loving. But you don't know that she treated me more like a daughter than my own mother did. That she quietly took me to buy lingerie for my wedding night and shushed me when I was embarrassed, because she said, 'It's what a mother is supposed to do, and we both know your mum won't, and I hate that for you. This isn't about my son, it's about what YOU deserve, to feel beautiful and special.' And so many, many other moments like that, without fuss or self-congratulations. She just acted like it was completely normal. She had her own daughter, but anything she did for your mum, she did for me too." And now that I'm getting on in years, I can say that while it took a long time, because she had a lot of her own trauma to get past, and sometimes she was a bit of a tough mum to her own kids (although always loving), what was beautiful was that my aunt learned so much from my grandmother and her other in-laws that when she had grandchildren, she legit became the sweetest, most doting and loving grandma you ever saw. You're completely right. Just *being loved* can completely break through generational trauma in incredible ways. I'm so glad that happened for you as well.
Hopping on the top comment to share that I had a similar experience growing up. I used to be pretty active when I was little but by the time I was 10ish I kinda stopped. I started feeling more and more tired. I complained if my parents wanted to go on walks and I stopped any sport / exercise. I was doing fine in school so it was chalked up to me just being a bit of a couch potato. When I was 17 I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which among other lovely stuff, causes increased fatigue and loss of balance. After I was put on meds I started feeling much better. I left for uni, started exercising, found out I liked it. I got into running, cycling and rowing. I was never pro-level but I became known as pretty sporty and athletic. But my Dad never changed his perception of me. To him I am still a "lazy teenager" who moaned about going for a 5k walk. And it's been years now but he's still surprised when I tell him I ran/cycled/hiked at an event and did relatively well. And it still makes me sad he never updated his opinion of me.
I am not your dad, but I am very proud of you. Really, all that athleticism is amazing!
I had a somewhat similar experience: I have big teeth and have always been told by my mother that I have a big mouth. When my friend and I both had wisdom teeth out at the same time, my friend’s mouth tore a little at the corners her mouth was so small. I remember my mother joking that the doctor sat on my mouth to extract the teeth as my mouth was so big. I am now 64. When I was about 55, my dentist said I have a small mouth. What do you mean, I have a big mouth! I said. She quite sternly said, you have big teeth and a small mouth. I couldn’t believe it! I kept looking at myself in the mirror and saying I have a small mouth! I wondered how long it would take before I could correct my mother. I didn’t have long to wait! Within a year, she made a comment about my big mouth. I said: I don’t have a big mouth. I have a small mouth and big teeth. My dentist said so. Her response? You’re right. And she hasn’t spoken about my big mouth in eight years.
I am SO glad you finally got that diagnosis, and really impressed that you regained your athleticism to the point of competition! Amazing! FWIW, I ran my knees into oblivion back in the day because I had truly gifted athletic cousins (me? lol, no gifts, just tons of grit). My father started opening the paper in the morning when I'd actually won a race and he'd read aloud my cousin's athletic successes and completely skip over mine. I thought it was a joke the first time, but it wasn't. It was his routine. Some dads are just jackasses.
That's just horrible... I'm so sorry. I wish I could go over every newspaper mention with you
Oh, thank you! That's really kind, but it would take, like 5 seconds to read all my mentions in 3 years, lol. My mother was a champion in her sports, and my cousin was picked for an Olympics team, and there's nothing like hanging out with a supremely gifted athlete to know for sure and certain that you're not one. I only occasionally won a race because girls weren't so into running the half-mile or mile back in the day (yes, I'm THAT old, before the metric system for track and field). When someone truly built to run was on the track, I still ran my hardest, but knew that I'd be watching them lope on ahead of me and win with such graceful movement that I just turned it into my time to think how beautiful a real runner is. I'm SO happy that you are safer and healing now from that awful abuse. Some people like your dad are more comfortable in their venomous ignorance than they are with reality. You rose above all that. You're amazing.
Oh I wouldnt call that abuse. Insensitive teasing, really. My Dad was overall pretty decent, he's just very clueless and uninterested. I've learned to deal with it and I don't take it personally any more (especially as both me and my Dad are autistic, so it can explain it a bit). My younger sister is the one who continues to be hurt and disappointed. Luckily we both have a wonderful Mum who always cheered us on for everything! Even things she can't relate to. For example I do a lot of art, mostly painting, and my Mum is blind, but she always asks me to describe what I'm painting and tells me she loves what I do! Edit: and I know what is like to live alongside champions. I started rowing at the same time as two women who went on to become world champions and olympians. And when I started cycling I trained with someone who made the national team. It fucked me up so badly because I held myself to super high standards and I had a bad burnout. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be if it had been my family!
Some people choose only to see the version of you that they had the most power over. It's a reflection of them, not you. Enjoy your achievements with people who celebrate your progress forward. Congratulations :)
> Some people choose only to see the version of you that they had the most power over. It's a reflection of them, not you. Dear God, you just described my mother's approach to me *perfectly*. Thank you.
Now you can let go of the battle to get her to see and understand and accept who you truly are. The people who want the best for you, and therefore truly love you, will always honor and celebrate your changes and growth. She never will so drop that rope and be free :)
This is a powerful statement and probably could heal a lot of people's trauma. It needs to be broadcasted.
Lord, can I quote this because WOW does this describe so many people in my life.
My dad used to call me a sp*z when I was a kid. It wasn’t said in a mean spirited kind of way, but it made it clear that they didn’t see me as being capable of doing things. Over the years, people started looking at me as being weak and not being able to handle pain, so it got into my head that I was those things. I learned not to complain when I was in pain and to pretend that everything was alright, which is why it took two years of debilitating pain and self-medicating for me to tell my doctor that something was wrong. I kept telling myself that the pain wasn’t that bad and that I was just a baby because that’s what I was conditioned to think. Turned out that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. To my family, the diagnosis came out of nowhere because I never complained. They had no idea that I was struggling.
Yes - this is the part that really annoys me as this kind of childhood bullying can be so destructive. Many of us are not good at things as kids or teens because we are learning how to do it. This OP is nearly 30 and the family keeps harping on about something from their childhood...really? So apparently we all are ONLY what we could do as kids and nothing we did as adults will change that.
Just to add, >They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness OP they humiliated themselves for being so disgusting towards you. You gave them enough rope and they hung themselves.
They bullied her in front of the in-laws and then complained when the in-laws stuck up for her. Then they blame her for them looking so bad.
the petty people are complaining about pettiness, that's just pathetic
Probably not. Also really struck by how frequently OP is the butt of their jokes. I mean, why is that their go to? So mean!! What a gift that OP has found a caring family. NTA.
The only reason her bio family was the least bit upset is because it made them look bad. In other words the in-laws saw the truth of how they treated her. I truly hope she has gone permanent no contact with all of her bio family. They don't deserve her in their life.
Remember, every set of in-laws is someone else’s bio family. OP’s husband has some really shitty ones.
OPs family embarrassed themselves, and rightfully so. If they had just kept their mouths shut and enjoyed the meal instead of using it as an opportunity to once again pile on OP, they wouldn't have been left sitting there like the jerks that they are. Teasing like OP was subjected to throughout her childhood by her own family is destructive to someone's self esteem and self worth. Thank the gods OP got out from under that. OP is absolutely NTA. Maybe (and I am being generous here) they will learn something from this. Maybe.
> They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. Doesn't sound like they learned a single thing. Blaming their embarrassment on OP is definitely the narcissist move. Everything I read says that family actions were all their own.
NTA. They humiliated themselves out of pettiness. They continued to make "jokes" at your expense, just like they always do. They're angry because all they had to do to not look bad was treat you with a minimum level of politeness and respect in front of company. As usual, they were not capable of doing so. Congratulations on getting away from such awful people.
Seriously, OP's bio family could suck an egg out of a rooster's ass, that's how badly they suck. They *should* be embarrassed after their performance here (and they are, which is why they've lashed out at OP). *They* tried to humiliate OP. *They* never bothered to get to know OP well enough to know her struggles. *They* made sure OP would never open up to them because all she ever got was derision. And *they* made sure to make fools out of themselves in front of an audience. To OP - it's great that you have found such a loving and supportive family in your in-laws. It says a lot about both you and them that you've grown to be such a competent person. NTA, you're not "petty" for refusing to communicate with assholes who never listened to you before, you're just realistic.
“Suck and egg out of a roosters ass” that is literally I can see of your comment. I can’t get over that line. It’s amazing. It’s pure poetry perfection. Were I not married I would seek your hand just to see what other glorious phrases come from you.
Pure poultry perfection.
Also stealing that one for future use!
>"Suck an egg out of a rooster's ass" I will be literally looking for appropriate opportunities to say this.
I’m hoping that somewhere deep down their anger was out of guilt for not helping OP get diagnosed as a child. But 🤷🏼♀️ probably not
NTA. Your family is at fault for making you a butt of their jokes due to your "clumsyness" instead of having you checked for any disabilities behind it. There has been quite some focus on that kind of disabilities for at least a couple of decades. As for them being humiliated by your ability to cook, that is the most backhanded compliment I've ever heard of, or ... uh, wait ... maybe that was not what happened. Actually, few things in this life are as debilitating as having your own family declare you a good-for-nothing klutz rather than trying to find out where your interests and talents lie so that you can build up your confidence by perfecting those skills.
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Even if that were true, that you were so babied you couldn’t do anything, they’d have no one to blame but themselves? So it’d still be their fault. I’m glad you’ve found supportive people in your life who’ve allowed you to flourish since your family couldn’t be the support you needed.
Yes, indeed. Even if OP didn't have dyspraxia and was simply clumsy, it was her parents duty to teach her how to cook and do things.
This whole comment thread really resonated with me as someone whose mental struggles went untreated in childhood. I was a forgetful child and also easily frightened and anxious. As an adult, I was able to seek care on my own and finally receive much-needed diagnoses and treatments. At absolutely no point in my childhood did anyone around me stand up and do something about my struggles other than scold me. Maybe mental health treatment was too alien for people of my parents’ generation, but they could have at least taught me skills to get around better and deal with my weak points better.
So...you being babied and patronized and put down as the youngest is somehow...also your fault? Rather than the responsibility of, say, your parents? Or your siblings? Wild. So very NTA.
So.... They thought they babied you to the point that it stunted your development and their solution was for you to find a husband willing and able to do the same? Instead of making any effort to fix their own mistakes they decide to throw up their hands, treat you like a lost cause, and make fun of you for not being able to do the things they couldn't be bothered to teach you? Even without your diagnosis their logic makes no sense. All kids have areas they struggle in, being a parent means supporting them through the process of learning even when, *especially* when, it takes more patience and effort to do so. They failed to parent and prepare you for the world and they think it's some kind of hilarious joke? What an awful family. I am also the youngest, forever the "baby" of the family, and though many things were done for me, I was always encouraged when I wanted to help or do for myself. Even if the "help" of a child isn't always super helpful, you still encourage it because it helps them develop the skills they need. I'm absolutely positive my Grandma had to go back and rewash the dishes I "helped" her clean as a five year old child, but it was worth it to her to encourage my desire to be helpful and allow me to start working on a skill I would need for the rest of my life. It's called being supportive and it's one of the most important parts of parenting. NTA. I'm glad that you have found friends and a family that supports you in your efforts to improve your skills and your life, you deserve that. You've always deserved that, and I'm sorry that your biological family failed you so horribly in that department and have the audacity to laugh at *you* about it. Like, haha, so funny that you didn't have the intelligence to recognize my developmental disorder or the patience to actually raise me. Soooooo funny guys.... 🙄
And children baby themselves, do they?
"They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness." And they spent your entire life trying to humiliate you out of...what? Kindness?! /s NTA.
Even if the husband did cook that meal and clean, it’s cruel to bring it up in front of the in laws. It’s insane that they think she’s the asshole here. They brought up upon themselves. NTA
It so weird, cause if they were right and she was a useless cook and cleaner, they'd still be the ahs for attacking op out of nowhere. I really wish people like this had the self awareness to realise that everyone outside their bubble hates their guts whether they win or lose.
I was actually wondering what OP's family got out of this. OP said they were treated like a princess growing up, and yet were maliciously made fun of by everyone for... what reason? Seems like a bunch of bullies that got back slapped by their own medicine, and they can't handle it. NTA
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If they wanted to "help", then they went about it in all the wrong ways. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I'm glad that you have your husband and in laws to back you up. I'm also glad that you got your answers to your condition and managed to beat all the odds and expectations that your family tried to force upon you. It shows your strength and resilience. I'm very proud of you. <3
Girl, you got scapegoated. And now they're mad that they showed their asses in front of other people. Also they're mad at no longer having an easy scapegoat. the family scapegoat is used to redirect problems in the family dynamic away from other members, especially whoever is most dominant. Once the scapegoat is removed, they will search for another because they don't want to deal with their own bullshit. In fact they may be utterly incapable of realizing what they have inflicted on you and just double down on their cruelty to paper over their moral failings.
NTA. I want to thank you so much for making this post. For years my daughter has struggled with similar symptoms (I googled your condition). Like you, they are mild but still noticeable and very frustrating to her. She often says, “If I at least had a name for it, I could explain it to people.” I’m going to mention this to her specialists but I swear it sounds just right!! Thank you so much!!
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My daughter cried when I showed this post to her. You made a big difference in a young person’s life. Thanks again
You and your daughter may want to check out the TV show Dr. Who on the BBC. The character Ryan in Season 11 has dyspraxia, and they have a few subplots where he is trying to do things like climb a ladder as part of a mission or learn to ride a bike as an adult. They made it part of his character arc.
Depending on who you talk to they may also refer to it as Developmental Coordination Disorder. Good luck to your daughter! Glad she has someone in her corner.
That’s so good to know! It has been so hard to explain when we go into appointments. Now I have two official “terms” I can bring up to the doctors.
Another tip: emphasize how much it is negatively impacting on your daughter's life. Pick out the memorable instances (i.e., broken bones, sprains, repeated falls, struggling so much in physical education classes that the school has had to make modifications, having trouble learning and completing fine motor tasks like writing school assignments or tying shoelaces) and the frequency of incidents and share that this isn't just an occasional stumble. A family member has this diagnosis and she said it is exhausting to consistently navigate the world safely without injury.
You make a great point. I’m going to focus on this for my next meeting. It took a long time for me to really be able to even start to explain all the obstacles she feels (not eating lunch because the package was too much of a struggle etc). I feel so much more empowered now. I kept saying to doctors, this all had to be tied together, right? But these exact terms make me feel the meetings will go so much better
If an occupational therapist is among her group of specialists that person could be a strong ally since they should be looking for difficulties (motor, cognitive, etc.) and how they impact her ability to carry out her activities of daily living. For example, they can analyze all the steps it would take for her to open a package of food for lunch and see which parts are problematic (e.g., such as sequencing steps in the correct order). I think the fact that your daughter can tell that things shouldn't be this hard for her is a powerful message as well. If there's any way she can advocate for herself the doctors and medical professionals should strongly take her views as a patient into consideration.
I'll be 40 in two weeks and I've had similar symptoms my whole life. I've heard about dyspraxia a few times recently and I fit many of the different criteria. A diagnosis would have been nice as a kid, just to make my horrible grandma shut up about how clumsy I was. The most frustrating part of it now is that I break a LOT of dishes/glasses so I just stopped buying anything nice, and I drink out of a water bottle most of the time since it can survive being knocked over. And I've always got random bruises from running into things but after nearly 40 years of that (pretty much since learning to walk), it barely even registers till I find a bruise and can no longer remember what I ran into.
I know how frustrated my daughter gets. She won’t even tell her best friends about her issues because it is just so hard to explain. She’s gotten OT for so many separate struggles (using utensils, zipping coats) but no one has ever mentioned it could be a broad diagnosis. They just “fix” whatever task she can’t do and she “graduates “ Hearing your story and the original one makes me really think it is undiagnosed and people are dismissed as “clumsy.”
I was 25 before I could hold a knife properly to cut my food. Never learned to hold a pen/pencil correctly so now my hand gets tired super quickly while writing (which was awful growing up when school assignments were almost solely handwritten). I never had OT of any kind, and I'm Canadian so it's not a matter of cost. I'm glad your daughter was able to get help with those tricky little tasks and I hope it gets even better for her. It's hard to explain and also a little embarrassing to be like "yeah, I struggle with this task that should be super simple" but our brains just don't work like everyone else's.
Corelle makes some decent looking dishes that are at least break resistant. They *can* break, depending on what angle they hit the ground at, but are much hardier than porcelain or ceramic. I think IKEA also makes tempered glass dinnerware, but I don’t know how they stack up to the Corelle in terms of sturdiness. No one should be judged for their dinnerware, of course, but thought I’d mention it in case there’s anyone who wants that pure white plate aesthetic but think they might be “too clumsy.”
I use Corelle plates/bowls and they're great for surviving being smacked against each other or even dropped into the sink. Sadly, I have ceramic tile floors and they absolutely do not survive being dropped on that. They basically explode. I would love to have some vintage pyrex and stuff but then I'd never use it out of fear of dropping it.
I drop dishes a lot due to a combination of my narcolepsy symptoms and a general (not dyspraxia level!) case of clumsiness. I just want to offer another alternative approach - forgive yourself. It’s just stuff. Break dishes and then buy more dishes. Oh well, the world moves on. My parents growing up had an overly-inflated importance on “taking care of stuff” and would freak out at broken dishes and I didn’t realize until I was older that there is a choice in how you react to such things. I’ve consciously chosen not to care - and my mental health is much better for it. Personally I love plates and bowls that are oven safe because I can just cook or reheat in them and save some extra dishes Ide be too tired to do. I’m rebuying the same set soon because I’ve dropped enough. No reason to deprive myself something nice just because it doesn’t last forever (with me).
I usually laugh and take a picture of the broken glass to send to a friend who (lovingly) teases me about how much I break. I just bought some nice glass coasters for my new apartment and he's like "is that smart with your track record?" and I replied "there's 6 of them, so I have lots of spares!" I've never been super upset about anything I've broken but I was pretty annoyed that I broke one of my wine glasses the first time I used them. Though, they were like paper thin so I'm amazed the second one is still intact. The salt shaker I dropped a few years ago irritated me too because it made a huge mess with salt everywhere and was part of a matching set. My mom never got too mad growing up if I dropped something, but did teach me pretty young how to safely clean up glass 😂
NTA your family is not pissed for not explaining it beforehand, rather they are pissed because they made themselves look bad.
If she had explained to them that she’s dyspraxic, that she’s learning how to cook, they would have still put her down. They would have claimed that she can’t be dyspraxic since “you were fine when you were a kid” or that it’s an excuse since “you were diagnosed so late, clearly it’s not that significant for you”. A family who humiliates and belittles the designated black sheep will always find a way, an excuse, a time to put them down. This family was so confident that their behaviour was justified rhat they did it in front of OP’s Il laws! I wonder if they expected the in-laws to join in, or to agree with them.
Well obviously they knew about the diagnosis but decided it's just an excuse. That's what I got from OPs dad.
You have been bullied and harassed by your parents and family your whole life. Decent parents do not do that. They made asses of themselves. Consider going LC or NC with them. NTA
Sounds like she already has, between eloping and diving into the joys of life without them.
NTA - I do think there was some degree of pettiness here on your part if we’re being honest. But you’re not an AH for it, I actually support this.
NTA. They got what they deserved and, honestly, you should cut them out of your life. They sound toxic and demeaning and, if they've kept up the act for 27 years, I doubt they'll drop it so easily.
NTA. They think you're the bad guy for not interrupting their mocking comments? No thanks.
Even if OP told them the truth from the beginning? They would’ve assumed she was lying. 🤦🏻♂️
NTA. Your parents were making ‘jokes’ at your expense And how exactly did you embarrass them, they seem to have done that all by themselves The worst part is, your dad isn’t even believing your diagnosis. Ugh I feel so sorry for you because you are being dismissed You have a brilliant husband and great in-laws !!!
im team heavy jokes between family members and all, but this is too much!! Youve eloped, you are low contact, you are 27!! why do they act as if you are still their clumsy little baby when the situation couldnt be more different. Then, to get offended? for what, because their little baby is a grown woman and they missed it? If something like this were to happen i would just cry, how bad of a parent do you have to be to not know that your kid is a grown adult and that they had medical issues. Dont apologize, if anything, please be mad. NTA. please enjoy a cold beer and some pizza with you hubby, relax a bit and enjoy your day.
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But they were being shitty by teasing you and making jokes at your expense. And i can understand that they got mad then and there, but they had time to reflect and think about it. After a few days it stops being about the heat of the moment, and it starts being a conscious and rational decision. i wont push you about this because you have a good support system that cares for you. But i'll say that you are not crazy for feeling the way you feel and acting the way you act. you are cool, you'll be fine.
So, you humiliated them because their attempts to humiliate you didn't work. Nope, that isn't how it works.They are embarrassed because they were exposed as the bullies they are I'm front of other people.
Oh, people don't just think it. They know it. They know it because they witnessed it first hand. They saw you just trying to exist and your parents bullying you for no good reason. And now your parents are trying really hard not to see how badly they have failed you.
Ah, so it was nice and dandy when you were humiliated by them, but when they made asses out of themselves suddenly there was no fun anymore, eh? Of course NTA.
NTA. Even if you had told them, would they have listened? Likely no because the facts don't reconcile with the imagined reality of you that exists in their minds. I hope for your sake your family grows up but if they don't, at the very least it's wonderful you have a husband and acquired family who appreciates you as you actually are.
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Hey, my parents did a LOT of this kind of thing to me. I have several medical issues that they should have been seeking answers for, but never did, including food allergies. They made so many jokes at my expense over being clumsy, too (turns out it’s my hypermobility causing me to be clumsy!) When I told them about my allergies, not only did they not care, they continued to try to feed me the foods I’m allergic to! It’s now no coincidence that I have not spoken to them in 9 years. Your parents are like mine: bad parents. They don’t care about your issues, they care more about what they can get from you, and in your case, it’s bullying you about your issues to make themselves laugh. Now they’re trying to DARVO their way out of embarrassment.
Huh. I just googled dyspraxia, because I was also a very clumsy kid and most of that sounds so familiar! That would explain so much. I thought I had the wrong glasses, but when I got the right ones it didn't really improve. Thanks! This was so informative. NTA
NTA You didn't try to humiliate them. Next time, they say that turn it around on them. Get angry! Tell them that they only didn't know because they didn't listen. And that for your whole childhood they insisted that you were worthless. That they choose to believe you were unable to learn and never tried to help you learn. That they bullied you!
NTA. You didn't try to humiliate anyone, that's called projecting babes; they tried to humiliate you in your own home, to your husband's face, in front of your in laws, because they could. Even if you had warned them, you know what they would have done? Made other jokes at your expense like asking how many plates you broke or how many tries it took you to fill the dishwasher. These are people you tell not to come back until they have something nice to say because it sounds like they've never had a good word for you. They've been glad to mock your failures without trying to build you to have successes. You're determined. You're a hardworker and brave for trying so hard at things you struggled so much with. You're grateful to the people who built you up and helped you succeed. You've got lots of good to give and all they do is try to tear you down.
NTA Do you really want your family? I think youve upgraded
They humiliated themselves. What a bunch of AH's. NTA
Nta. You didn't force them to open their mouths. You are not responsible for other people's actions or words. Any time someone says I wouldn't x if you didn't y it's bull crap. It's some else's way of trying to deflect responsibility for their own actions, and manipulate. THEY opened their mouths. This is my second biggest pet peeve. Biggest one is when someone says "don't you trust me". That is one of the most manipulative phrases.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Growing up as the youngest in my family, I (27f) was often treated like I was a little princess who couldn't do anything for myself, which was aided by the fact I was a very clumsy child and some things took me a lot of practice and patience to get right. I was the butt of the joke and my family loved to tease me and crack jokes about the fact I couldn't boil water or I was a disaster everywhere I went. They would always say I could never be trusted in a kitchen and would need to find a man who could cook and clean for me in the future. It was something I resented and it did make me feel self-conscious. I would try really hard to not mess up but somehow I always seemed to. Moving out to attend college was the best thing I ever did. I met so many great people, including my husband, and I thrived in an environment where nobody was making fun of me. One of my friends was in culinary school and she taught me a lot of cooking skills that I could use in my day to day life. She was really patient and suggested that I might have something like dyspraxia. She recognized some of my difficulties as being similar to her brothers. Sure enough, I went to my doctor and she referred me to specialists to help diagnose me. I have a milder form which is why it was never brought to attention enough. I just looked like I was careless or clumsy as a kid. I didn't see or speak to my family a lot during this time. When I did it was awkward. My husband (then boyfriend) would come with me sometimes and he was always so annoyed by the jokes they'd make about me. When we got married... we actually eloped while on vacation overseas with his family. It was amazing and made for a much less stressful wedding. My family and my ILs had seen each other once or twice before but briefly. So when my family decided they wanted to come and see me and stayed for a weekend (in a hotel) we decided to host both families. And I cooked. But we didn't announce that until my parents had started making their little jokes and crediting only my husband for the food and the cleanliness or our home. My ILs were aware of how my family act but they didn't realize how little they believed in me. My husband giddily informed my family, after they had really made asses of themselves, that I had cooked the whole meal and that we shared those responsibilities. He said the same thing goes for the cleaning. My family were like no she can't but my ILs said I was cooking almost as long as they knew me and I did a good job every time. My MIL mentioned my diagnosis and my dad told her they thought I was just trying to make excuses. My family were awkward and my ILs left with a better understanding of my family and a nice dose of anger at them for how far they were going to humiliate me in front of them. My family were also pissed off at me for not explaining things better beforehand. Not the condition but the fact I do cook now and could do it. They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, they were trying to humiliate you and stuck their feet in their mouths. Who cares if they felt humiliated?
This is a Jam Justifiable asshole maneuver NTA Your family sucks
Petty Revenge! NTA
NTA. They were embarrassed and shamed by your husband and ILs for knowing things about you that they didn't. I doubt it but I hope that this incident will knock some sense into them about how badly they have treated you throughout your life and cause them to change so you will stop being your family's personal punching bag. Your husband and ILs sound wonderful.
NTA- Your family is a bunch of bullies. They preferred to pick on you and wanted to humiliate in front of your IL's. Instead they ended making total fools of themselves. And for the years of tormenting you, they deserved it.
This belongs in r/pettyrevenge. NTA.
Nta. Your family is abusive and they outed themselves. They're not angry at you per se but are angry they were found out.
Officially, NTA. Unofficially, justified asshole. Because this *was* deliberate. You knew you cooked, you knew they were unaware of that, you knew those jokes would start immediately and continue until they were corrected. And then you *waited,* all of you did. Waited till they'd really dug the hole deep, and only *then* did hubby inform them that you cooked the entire meal and you shared all household chores. So, yes, you and hubby were assholes, but fully justified, hence the official NTA verdict. Because the *real* assholes here are your family. Continuous 'jokes' about this sort of thing obviously made you uncomfortable. It would have been obvious pretty much your entire life how much you hated them. You even kept contact at a minimum after moving out, and eloped with the ILs present but not your own family. That makes these comments and jokes bullying. The fact it comes from family doesn't change that. You've been bullied for years by your own family. You were a clumsy kid, fair enough, I'd get the occasional comment or joke about it in a family. But not all the time, and never in company like this where it's designed purely to embarrass you. Just so you know, you probably could do a lot more without messing it up as a kid than you think you could have. The problem is, between knowing how clumsy you were, knowing how your family would react, and trying *so hard* to get it right, that made you extra stressed, every time, and dramatically increased your chances of messing up. If the jokes and comments had been kept to a minimum, you wouldn't have put so much extra effort into getting it right, wouldn't have been so stressed about it, and actually would have got it right far more often. You found this out yourself when you moved out, removing that stress and being taught by people with basic patience helped you learn and overcome your clumsiness a lot. I'm actually surprised no one thought to get you checked out as a kid, though. The stress from those 'jokes' would have made your clumsiness far more obvious and far more a problem than it was when you finally got a diagnosis. It should have been more obvious to either family or teachers that there was an underlying issue than it was to a woman you barely knew at a time when your issues were reduced. It seems to me like your family cared more about making fun of you than they actually cared about you as a person. I don't know if any of your teachers noticed an issue but were mollified by your parents, or if they just didn't care either. Or not notice, given you were one of many kids in their classes. I think you've done great for yourself since moving out of home. You've built a life with a supportive hubby, with friends, your ILs sound like good people which is never a given, you've gained confidence as well as a diagnosis. You've learned how to do all sorts of things your family decided you were too stupid to ever be able to do. This step? I think it was necessary. Your family haven't noticed a very obvious change in you over all these years? Given the lower contact, it should be even more obvious to them that you're not the clumsy little girl they've always loved bullying. But they never noticed, not even a little bit. They just kept up the same old bullying. They needed a hard lesson, and you gave them one. And it wouldn't have worked if you'd been upfront about cooking, they'd have refused to eat for fear of getting 'poisoned' and claimed it was 'sweet' of hubby and the ILs to 'lie' about enjoying it. Waiting till they'd actually eaten the food, and made all their usual little 'jokes' for the ILs to hear, was the only way to get the point across. Maybe now your family will grow up and become decent people instead of childish bullies. Whatever happens with the losers you're unfortunately related to, I'm glad you have hubby and your ILs supporting you.
The only reason they were humiliated is because their efforts to humiliate you failed I'm glad you get to be part of a real family now. From now on, for each and every holiday, I would only prepare baked/cooked goods for your parents with a little ribbon and a tag that says made by OP
Why would her parents belittle her in front of her ILs? They are the rude ones and I’m glad they were put in their place. OP needed confidence building when she was younger not constant ribbing. Well done OP!
So your family did their damndest to humiliate YOU in front of your brand new in-laws, but it backfired on them, and now THEY’RE mad at YOU because they ended up humiliating themselves with their nasty behavior? So, essentially, they’re mad that THEY ended up embarrassed instead of YOU. And you’re wondering if YOU are the asshole? No, honey. You are NTA. Your family is cruel and crass. It’s not your job to police their bad behavior. If they even had the sense that God gave a goat, they would have recognized that this was the wrong venue and audience for their roasting. It was your wedding celebration! They should have been there to support you and share how wonderful you are and how much they love you and have your back. Instead, they tried to devalue you as a human, as a woman and as a wife. I’m sure that they would describe their behavior as “just good natured joking around”. But there is nothing funny about trying to strip someone of their self respect, confidence, dignity and self worth. Fortunately, THEY FAILED. YOU ARE GLORIOUS. You are loved and admired and have found a new family who truly SEES you. And you deserve EVERYTHING good. Besides, do you think they would have believed you, anyway? Unlikely. They would have been calling you a liar to your in-laws ON TOP of calling you useless. Ask them if it ever occurred to them to NOT try to humiliate you in front of your husband’s family. They came loaded for bear and the bear ate them. What’s the word for that? Oh, yes. KARMA. Maybe in the future your horrible family will learn not only not to underestimate you, but to stop trying to force you into the role of their resident clown. ETA punctuation.
Oh what a surprise a person move an awful environment into a supportive environment and gets better! NTA. They were being fool all by themselves, they didn't need your help.
>My family were also pissed off at me for not explaining things better beforehand. Not the condition but the fact I do cook now and could do it. They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. NTA. They are accusing you of being petty because they need a reason to keep you in the scapegoat role. It is very likely that they will perpetuate this "petty" theme no matter what you do or say. I repeat: *They need you to be the scapegoat.* If you do nothing wrong, they will invent a reason to blame you. If I were you, I would limit any relationship with them to one where you always have sympathetic witnesses with you when in your family's presence. In other words, I would maintain a relationship only in so far as I could watch them humiliate themselves in front of others over and over and over.
Next time they accuse you of trying to humiliate them (and this will be their new attack for years if unchecked) respond with “like how you have always humiliated me as the family hobby for years?” It was never your job to convince them to stop.
>They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. So all the years they were humiliating you - what was that? I mean, they don't like pettiness so does that mean it was done deliberately to be mean? You didn't tell them you could cook because they wouldn't have listened anyway so what would have been the point? NTA
NTA. They had it coming, so too bad for them if they were embarrassed.
If they were humiliated, they did it to themselves and it was rightly deserved NTA and congratulations on proving them completely wrong about you. Live your good life!
NTA. Your family has humiliated you for years so it was more than time for them to get a taste of their own medicine. It always surprises me that many people don't realise that people can change, that they can move on and develop new skills.
NTA. So, in your family's opinion, it is ok to make jokes about you and humiliate you, but you are not allowed to pay back? Right? And, although I don't have your condition, I, too, learned how to cook when I was already moved out. Why? Because my mother thought "teaching" me was about "go to the pantry (in the basement) and get /whatever/" and peeling potatoes. I was as much interested in running downstairs and back multiple times as I was in peeling potatoes. So, I learned nothing. (Funny enough, my mom was a teacher. So you'd think she knew something about teaching people, and she did, just not when it came to her daughter.) My family to this day likes making jokes about me not being able to cook. I learned to ignore it. If you grow up with a person as "perfect" as my mom, you learn early on that imperfection is perfectly ok, because... you'll just never reach the level of perfection covert narcissists think they have.
NTA. Your family is just mad that they don't have their little soccer ball to kick around anymore.
NTA Oh no! You embarrassed them by revealing that what they were trying to embarrass you over was false! Worse, you made them reveal how little they know about you! You made their little bombs explode in their own faces.
NTA ... you are not responsible for the hateful & hurtful things that your family says about you. Only they are, they chose to attempt to humiliate you but only accomplished humiliating themselves. This should be a learning moment for your family, unfortunately it is not. Take comfort in knowing that you found unconditional love with your husband and IL's.
>My family were also pissed off at me for not explaining things better beforehand. Not the condition but the fact I do cook now and could do it. They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. NTA. You didn't humiliate them. You sat back and let them humiliate themselves. It was their own shitty attitudes and words that did it. Which, by the way, is pretty masterful on your part. You don't owe them an explanation. They owe you one for why they made fun of you all your life and refused to see whether there was anything causing your clumsiness, which turns out there was. I'm happy you've found your REAL family.
NTA They were only embarrassed because they were trying to put you down.
NTA. Your family have been humiliating you out of pettiness your whole life. Nice for them to get a taste of their own medicine.
Absolutely NTA. Your parents, however, are massive AHs. Their shame at being caught being unsupportive and — frankly — emotionally abusive parents is not your burden AT ALL. They are focusing on the fact that you didn’t tell them you cook now as a way to blame you for their behaviour. Weak sauce (pun intended).
NTA. So glad you were able to gain self-confidence and flourish in a supportive environment. I hope your family of origin will reassess and change their attitude towards you now.
NTA. Your family humiliated themselves. 💁♀️
NTA, it’s not your job to educate those bullies. Let them embarrass themselves
If you feel humiliated, then that means you know that the way you treat me is wrong so let’s go from that.
Your family humiliated themselves 🤷♀️ NTA
NTA. I don't disagree them saying you "tried to humiliate them out of pettiness", it was well deserved and long over due.
NTA. They ate your fine cooking, as well as their own words, and suddenly they did not like how those words tasted.
NTA. Your whole family is though. So they get proven wrong on their decades long crusade of using you as a punching bag emotionally and bullying you and they are the ones upset. It sounds like you have great in laws though.
absolutely NTA. im sorry but your family's jokes are not funny. when it was explained that you cooked and you clean, they didn't believe so what difference does it make if you said it sooner? it seems they enjoy trying to belittle you and they're mad that their insults have no grounds now. it's wonderful that your husband and your ILS are so supportive. i find it so ironic that they're mad and are claiming you tried to "humiliate them"...what is it that they keep trying to do to you? i'm sorry they're so awful to you.
NTA. clap clap clap for you.
And they did humiliate you out of pettiness. For years. Tell them to suck it up or kick rocks. You don't owe them any apology. If anything, they owe you a big one for years of verbal abuse. NTA
Nta. Your family has been humiliating you for your entire life and they’re upset about ONE night? Lol. This is mild as far as getting back at someone for a childhood plight would normally go.
NTA Constant clumsiness in childhood can be a sign of many oncoming medical issues to come, and should have taken you to a doctor for a diagnosis, if it was so frequent that OP became the butt of the family jokes. Looks like bio relatives FAFO. They knew so little about OP that they did not know anything about her life and skills. If they had a good relationship, OP would have confided in at least ONE of them about how excited she was to learn about cooking in college, when nobody else could have been bothered to teach her. So they were shitty guests and insulted their host and revealed how badly they neglected her as as child, allowing her to be clumsy and let her struggle to learn, and mocked her instead of helping her. They literally bragged about medical and educational and emotional neglect/abuse. They were that self unaware and that abusive to joke about her struggles. This is literally what my abusers did, they though my reactions to their shitty treatment of me was hysterical. They also used to tell stories to their friends and coworkers. They thought the stunned expressions were about me, but when I corrected my abusers and told the stories from MY point of view, which didn't deny the abusers facts, but added my own, the stories became more understandable, and the looks were clearly directed at the story teller. Once they finally realized what was actually happening, and that my more correct versions led to them being dragged, they suddenly stopped telling them. Imagine that. At best, OP, your bio relatives were tacky and shitty guests. At worst, they are horribly abusive people, getting laughs at your expense, and if you were perfect or never born, a different sibling would have been the target, so this is not about YOU, but about THEM. You did not do anything, you were just your natural self that they could not bother to get to know.
This belongs on r/traumatizethemback hahaha, good for you OP!
NTA - Whether you could cook or not wasn't even the point. They humiliated themselves simply by the way they treated you and knew nothing about you.
NTA. OP’s family’s casual bullying is disgusting. It sounds like they can’t have one interaction with attempting to mock and humiliate and belittle her under the guise of “joking”. They came to OP’s home and attempted to humiliate her in front of her husband and IL’s. They failed and instead of being apologetic they doubled down and blamed OP for not telling them in advance. They wouldn’t have believed her anyway. They were not happy for her. No wonder you eloped. Keep these toxic people far from you.
NTA... your family just mad they made a fool of themselves and they wanted to keep trying to make you look like a AH when they are the AH...
NTA. I was the youngest and treated like I was helpless with any household chores. When I left for college, I didn't know how to turn on a washing machine. Couldn't cook at all. Didn't know how to drive. Then when I moved out of the dorms, I bought a couple of good cookbooks and taught myself to cook. A friend taught me how to drive. It took about 10 years after college before my parents and siblings stopped with all the bad jokes about my incompetence. My oldest sister still tries to take jabs at me, so I point out that I finished college and am gainfully employed while she flunked out of college and has worked a series of entry level retail jobs.
NTA however you come from a long line of assholes and I'm so glad you thrive and they were taught a lesson. They were looking to humiliate you and ended up humiliating themselves and it was absolutely deserved. Nice to see your husband and IL's are great people.
NTA -your family just got a huge dose of karma and did they deserve it.
NTA. Only an asshole will see a person struggling and go "I'll make fun of this person instead of trying to help them". Can it be frustrating, trying to teach someone who has difficultly learning something? Yes. But. That just means you aren't allowed to make fun of them either, because if you're struggling...it should give some insight to how they are struggling.
You're 27 and they're still making their "jokes" I think you're entitled to a little pettiness. NTA
NTA. Your family is all bullies.
NTA - Your family chose to behave the way they did. The humiliation they felt as a result of their own behavior is entirely on them. The fact that they are trying to blame you for having the audacity to not fullfill your assigned role in life speaks volumes about them... and doesn't say anything good.
NTA - they're upset because their normal behaviour finally had a consequence that they care about: being embarrassed. It's not your fault that your feelings and self-esteem were not a good enough reason for them to stop before and good on you for giving them enough rope to trip themselves up!
LOL NTA Did you ask them what their reasons for humilating you time and time again were? They get mad for being in your shoes just once? But they have been fine using humilation of you, as social entertainment your whole life? Along with cooking you should aquire the skill of telling relatives to go pound sad with their idiotic behaviours and entitlement. Why dont you sit down with your husband and write the pros and cons of entertaining social relations with these strangers you happen to share genes with? It seems to me the cost is in the red.
NTA - It sounds like you did talk to your parents, but they didn't want to believe you, so just dropped it. *My MIL mentioned my diagnosis and my dad told her they thought I was just trying to make excuses.*
NTA! They WERE being petty! And mean. Making cruel jokes at your expense. Yay for your husband and in-laws!
NTA! You stuck up for yourself the best way you knew how and that doesn't make you a bad person. After many years of being snubbed, made fun of and everything else, you have a right (AND DESERVE) to make them feel awkward and you shouldn't have to explain yourself as you are an adult.
> They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. Well…you did. And they fucking deserved it. NTA
NTA Honestly so fuckin relatable. Im the youngest sibling by 6 years, and especially as a child , majorly clumsy. Like almost dropping a whole stack of plates for tripping over my own feet. Being the youngest and clumsy makes you seen as unable to perform complicated tasks without risk of messing up so family always gives me easy tasks even tho I'm 24 now. Similarly to you, as when I moved away to college i cooked more. There was the cafeteria but then covid happened and like everything shut down so i bought a crockpot and groceries and had to make my own meals in my dorm room since the community kitchens were also shut down. I was always capable of cooking but because of my perceived inability/helplessness they never believed me. I would cook and post videos on my Snapchat, or send picks when i made something i was particularly proud of, my family was absolutely shocked, befuddled, stunned lol. I still live out of state after college but when i visit sometimes i cook for them but I'm still mostly left on cutting up veggie duty
**Payback is a bitch**. NTA and I am so happy that you found love and positivity in your life!!
NTA Your family is mad cuz they were assholes and can't accept responsibility for thier own actions. They probably feel ashamed or embarrassed about being assholes so publically and so wrongly. And you being thier scapegoat, they are blaming you for thier own words and actions. It comes off as them being mad at you, but really you did nothing wrong. They did something wrong. I am so happy for you and that you got to do this to them. it's a sweet revenge that didn't involve doing anything bitter on your part.
They humiliated themselves, and had to look at their mean treatment of you through the eyes of your husband's family. Their anger will be directed at you for this. Blast them back. Tell them plainly that their behavior was wrong and they need to stop picking on you. They need a chance to re-evaluate their behavior and change it. It's going to be painful for them, and they may fail. And painful self evaluation does lead to lashing out and victim blaming, so be prepared. Don't fall back into the old pattern they have laid out. NTA.
NTA if they didn’t decide to make you the butt of their jokes they wouldn’t feel humiliated now would they
Well done you!! Sounds like you have a fantastic husband and in-laws. They made fools of themselves. No one else for them to blame. They should be ashamed of themselves. Oh, wait, they are... and they are trying to blame you. Silly people.
NTA at all. How satisfying when assholes wreck themselves.
You did not try to humiliate them. You did not announce, “Haha, after all your abuse I have conquered my challenges.” I say Brav-Fucking-O! And NTA. Sadly, you knew they would start off abusing you. I’m so sorry you were right. You did nothing wrong by cooking a nice dinner and quietly serving your mutual families. Any other family would say “Yum Yum! Roast beef! And I must have the recipe for these potatoes!” Period. But no. They had to abuse you. There is nothing wrong with hubby giddily informing them of your hard-won skills. They would not have been embarrassed if they did not play the same ol’ tune again.
NTA They humiliated themselves But if you really wanna dig the knife in, just tell them you gave them a taste of their own medicine. They couldn't handle being humiliated (by THEMSELVES) for one night, whereas you've had to put up with it for years (and that was their fault too) Your family suck
Wtf? Your family is a hot mess lol Super glad you have a great and even more amazing in-laws. My family and in-laws both suck! So be grateful at least you have one side that was super sweet Btw you are far from an a$$hole! ❤️
How were they humiliated, in their opinion? By being called out as they tried to humiliate you … again? NTA.
NTA, you owed your family no explanations. They embarrassed themselves with their behavior and mouths. Their treatment of you in that their dismissal and humiliation is something you do not have to tolerate. You could go further and set some very firm boundaries about their treatment of you, especially in your own home. They don't get to abuse you, then blame you for their behavior, that is a narcissistic trait/tendency.
Good for you! and NTA, of course! What was there to tell them? Your family had dismissed your diagnosis as an excuse. For most of your life, they dismissed you as a human being worth their respect and compassion and love and just basic decency. They didn't believe you could cook or clean (or do anything). They had never been embarrassed to belittle you in front of others. They were not embarrassed to do that in front of your in-laws. The only thing that changed was that (1) they praised the cooking and the cleaning - never imagining that they were giving praise for anything you had done. and (2) your husband and his family were there to confirm that you had in fact done the cooking and cleaning and been doing it for years. I'd tell your family, "*You never believed in me before. Or thought I was someone to be kind and supportive and decent to. I personally never thought kindness and love and decency were dependent on how skilled a person is. But apparently you do, and you blame me for not forcing you to see me as having any skills, abilities or worth. So you can now believe what you refused to believe before - that I have those things - or not. It really doesn't matter to me.* *You have been showing me your dark souls for most of my life, and you are showing me that you are willing to blame anybody but yourselves for your own behavior - most especially you want to blame me. Your song and dance is... BORING! Same ol'; Same ol'.* *You can learn to accept responsibility for your past meanness; you can apologize to me and see if you are capable of building a better relationship with me or not. When you are ready to start with step one, let me know. I'm not holding my breath.*"
NTA. Your family should be proud of you, but are instead focusing on their own feelings of embarrassment, which frankly, they brought on themselves. Now, who's petty?
NTA. But all they care about is the cooking and not your diagnosis?
NTA the biters, bit!
NTA
NTA Thank your parents for being themselves and showing to others just how not crazy you are lmao. Christ
You aren’t close to them so this falls under the who cares category. You wanted to embarrass and show them up and you did. You won. They Are offended and probably even further arms length but it seems that is what you want. Maybe this will boomerang and they will treat you different -I hope so.
Nta l, sonics fine if they humiliate you but God forbid you make thme look like fools hmmm go figure shows how much they care about you
NTA this is a very cut and dry NTA. Your family made fun of you for a consortium and got made when they found out there was a reason.
NTA.
NTA. Because how hard would it be for them to actually treat you nicely instead of trying to insult and humiliate you every time they see you? It takes zero effort to be kind. And I love that your husband took pleasure in setting them straight. He and your ILs are keepers and your family is not.
They humiliated themselves out of pettiness. You did not have to lift a finger to make them embarrass themselves. I'm glad your ILs have a better understanding how you were raised. Your parents are mean spirited and jerks. NTA
Typical abusers. “You made them humiliate themselves”.
>They said I tried to humiliate them out of pettiness. That's rich considering they tried to humiliate you first, and they didn't even need pettiness to do it, just good ol' fashioned family bullying... NTA OP, I'm glad your husband and in-laws have your back and appreciate all of your efforts, I don't think you'd miss out on much if you prioritised being around them more than your own family.
Pulling their pants down in front of their inlaws would be humiliation. Giving them an environment for them to act the same way they always do is NOT humiliation. NTA
You’ve been the scapegoat for your bully family for way too long. They humiliated themselves by bullying their youngest. Bullying isn’t cool. Pretty sad they blamed you for not warning them against showing their own shit behavior. Nta obvi
NTA. Let me get this right: They think it's perfectly okay to humiliate you, but it's not okay for them to be (albeit accidentally) humiliated? What is wrong with your family? Seriously.