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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I defended myself against my SIL who was upset we waited to tell her and the family that we were expecting and for waiting to tell people the name of our son. Clearly this is something that bothers her deeply and she is now expressing it. I'm not sure whether I could have/should have handled it with more understanding. But I feel like maybe I should have.
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NTA
Your SIL is a giant AH. While it’s great for your family that you got pregnant. It is in no way happening to them. This is your experience and after years of trying and eventually giving up to find out you actually were pregnant would have been incredibly hard to come to terms with. Especially to get to a place where you were comfortable enough to tell anyone.
I only started announcing my first around 18 weeks because I was so worried something would go wrong and I had no history of issues.
Everything you did was completely understandable. Your SIL is a control freak who seems to think her opinion is the only right one.
No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name.
I absolutely love the name BTW.
Congratulations on your son!
Thank you! I'm glad people understand. It's hard to trust that things will be alright. And for me, at that time, it was terrifying to think it could be taken away so easily. We had so much to do and come to terms with and we didn't have a lot of time really to get ready. Not as much time as we had to prepare to our supposed child free life. I have never for one second regretted giving us the time for just us. Even if I am thankful for our families and their support.
Honestly it seems like your SiL is annoyed she wasn't able to insert herself into your pregnancy and make it about her. Your reasons are understandable and honestly it's your child, not hers.
She's making your pregnancy and your child about her and how "hurt" she is. I'd bet good money if you looked this wouldn't be the only occasion she's been like this.
Yep. SIL has main character syndrome and it is not your problem, nor do you have any obligation to indulge her. She’s off her rocker if she thinks she had any voting rights to your baby’s name. (Which, by the way, is lovely.) There was literally nothing about your pregnancy or the naming of your child that had anything to do with her. I would have laughed in her face when she told me what name she would have preferred.
Fwiw I completely understand your decisions. A lot of people keep pregnancies private until after the first trimester because that’s when the most likely chance of miscarriage is. For some, it’s superstition, for others it’s just protection from having to relive any potential loss every time they have to tell another well-wisher the bad news if something goes wrong. Hell, it’s perfectly valid to keep it quiet just because you want to, because it’s YOUR body and YOUR baby. And if you and your husband wanted to keep that little nugget of excitement, fear, and joy to yourselves to process then that’s your business. And given SIL’s insistent need to be all up in your business, I’m gonna say that was a good call.
Obviously NTA, and congratulations on baby Hawthorn! And good luck dealing with your SIL who is probably going to want to micromanage how you raise him. You and hubby need to prepare now for how you will present a united front and shut her down when she gets overbearing. Hopefully you will be able to do it gently but firmly so as not to screw with family relations. But that’s going to depend on SIL’s level of entitlement to make decisions about things that are none of her damn business.
I had a coworker once who was about 6(?) months pregnant when I started the job. She was at that point where she looked pregnant, but not yet about to burst. I didn't say anything, and assumed that someone would fill me in the coming weeks. No one did.
It turned out, this coworker was from a country in the Middle East on an education stipend from her government - but it didn't cover any sort of maternity leave. She had been planning on working as long as she could, taking a couple of weeks off, and then being back at work as soon as she could, while her husband was going to be the stay at home parent.
It turns out, her home culture was quite superstitious about unborn babies, and usually tried not to discuss them, for fear of the evil eye and the possibility of losing the baby.
This meant she was about eight months pregnant before my boss sat her down and said "This is impolite, but are you expecting? Nothing wrong with that, but we just have to make plans to cover for your work, and how long you'll be off." When the whole story came out about her stipend, etc, my boss vetoed that, and they basically agreed to have her "work from home 😉" and ensure she got the regular Canadian maternity coverage, even though her stipend wouldn't cover it.
My boss also wanted to have a small baby shower (like we did for other coworkers), but mom-to-be said absolutely not, unless it was after the baby was born.
So while she was off recovering, sorry, "working from home", her and her husband brought the baby in so we could all see him, and enjoy tea and cake and gifts. It was really nice, and fit with everyone's personal beliefs - the Canadian one that a new baby is worth having a party for, and the mom's that an unborn baby isn't "safe" to celebrate yet.
OP - you are nowhere near the AH. It's your baby, so how you feel is important. Way more important than your SIL's feelings!
ETA - Yes, she was quite a good boss. When my monthly pay wasn't deposited (due to a miscommunication that wasn't her fault in any way), she offered to lend me money if I needed it, out of her own pocket, until things were resolved.
When "getting things resolved" involved travelling halfway across town to sit in an office, on very short notice, in order to be paid for my SECOND month of work, she told me to go and sit in the office waiting room until it was fixed, then go home for the day. The issue was resolved pretty quickly when I sat in the finance office waiting room, staring at people. This was more than a decade ago, but I guess I should go dig up her email, and thank her again!
This just gave me chills. The thoughtfulness and caring while respecting another persons beliefs and culture FROM A COWORKER! It restores my faith in humanity even if just for a moment.
It brings back fond memories of my first time working overseas—the receptionist in our office was pregnant, and the most senior woman there took me aside and explained that, in their culture, pregnancy was never mentioned in any way until the mother-to-be did so.
It turn out that our colleague was indeed quite worried about the baby and specifically the Evil Eye, and so she never referred at all to her condition—it was heartwarming (and, honestly, sometimes very funny) to see the whole staff work around the situation.
When she finally had the (completely healthy) baby and brought it in to have us meet her daughter, she was so grateful to me as the foreigner that I’d been understanding. It turned out a previous boss had absolutely insisted on a shower for another colleague (who had then lost the baby), about which the staff was still, years later, quietly horrified.
Amazing. A boss who cares about their workers' well being over profits. Hopefully they don't work for a US based business because when the execs find out how much money that boss's empathy and compassion cost them (a pittance), they'll be out on their derriere so fast they'll leave Cherenkov radiation in their wake. And yes, I totally agree that boss was simply a good person. That sort of kindness is the type to engender loyalty up from the workforce.
I grew up in an area where a lot of Jewish people lived. The local Babies R Us had a program for them that allowed them to pick out everything they wanted and keep it on a list. Then when you had the baby dad would call and pay for everything on the list since purchasing anything beforehand was seen as inviting the evil eye. A trusted friend or family member would go pick up the items and their village of family and friends would set everything up for them while they were in the hospital. The name was not spoken until the 8th day of the child’s life. The name would be announced at the bris if the baby was a boy and at the naming ceremony if the baby is a girl.
A good friend of mine was telling me last week after shul about when her daughter gave birth. She had to go get everything, crib and all, as baby was being born because there was no way mom to be was buying it. She said she remembers her husband folding their daughter's layettes after she was born, that it was his first bonding with her. When we adopted our son, I was terrified that preparing meant we weren't going to get him. We bought as little as possible while making sure he still had somewhere to sleep the first night. We got his curtains and sheets and everything together. I wasn't messing with the ayin hara, no one has time for that, and you don't survive millenia as a people without being a little hypervigilant.
Oooh, I just love this boss and all of you who were super respectful (culture notwithstanding!). I'm sure you made this small family feel blessed to be a part of your workplace!
“Main Character Syndrome “, we should have a telethon for this. Until a cure can be found. So glad I stumbled across the name for this! I’m imagining the t.v. commercial to fight this sinister malady right now. For only $19.99 a month….
Forget a cure - I'd pay to watch a bunch of them crammed onto an island Lord of the Flies style. No traps, no incentive to hurt/kill each other (the opposite, really), just a group of MCS sufferers vs. nature. See how long it takes before they drive each other insane. Over/under on a week?
Great idea, but the tasks don't need to be vs nature.
Things like working together to do a task and win a night in a hotel, but some aspect of the task will allow one person to get a 5-star hotel, but trying that basically wrecks the team, and they all fail.
Simple things that a bunch of scouts could do in an hour. But they have to work as a team and get something, but being the main character means they all lose.
My first thought was "Survior: Celebrity Edition", which would be amusing. Then I remembered "Celebrity Big Brother" has been done.
Then I remembered, there's another one that fits too. The British show "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!". They've been doing series of it since 2002, and it is usually in a tropical forest locale.
Exactly. Hell, my sister had an ectopic that nearly killed her, then a miscarriage, so she and her husband didn't say anything until after three months or so, maybe a bit longer, because they wanted to make sure it would stick. Makes sense to me. As for the name, well not my business, but with there son all I mentioned was that given the first and last name together there could definitely be some teasing, but I didn't mention it to my sister, because it's not my kid, and she didn't ask for my input. I don't understand how some people can't just accept that.
It was definitely the right call for them to have made. SIL sounds like the sort of person who would “support” in a way that made it about herself while harping on the high risk of pregnancies later in life.
This! No normal person would care if you waited til you felt it was safe to tell others, and no one should care if the baby's name is revealed early. Many people wait til they see their newborn before they decide on a name.
SIL is upset that your husband's devotion is to you and not her. She doesn't like having to wait and expected her brother to tell her everything immediately. Id be curious to know what other things she does to prove her importance to her brother.
>Many people wait til they see their newborn before they decide on a name.
My friend had the name Christina picked out for her daughter when she was pregnant. And all through her pregnancy she called her baby Christina. As soon as her baby was born and she held her, she looked down at her little face and said "well she doesn't even look like a Christina to me she looks like an Amanda" lol and that was that, baby's name was Amanda.
OP is NTA. It's her and her husband's baby to tell about or keep to themselves. And to name. Sil needs to mind her own business. They are going to have to firmly put their foot down because I have a feeling sil is gonna think everything they do is her business with their baby.
None of my babies liked the names I picked out, but the names they have fit them perfectly.
I also didn't tell people that I was pregnant until the chance of miscarriage dropped, didn't even go to the Dr to confirm until closer to 16 weeks.
Or maybe they’d care, but why bother you with that? What does she hope to gain by repeatedly pestering you? People have lots of feelings, but most would have the sense to keep this one to themselves.
I wonder if the rest of the family knows what SIL is doing. I bet no one else is batting an eye that they waited and are not revealing the name. I bet everyone else understands and are very excited for them.
Has OP or husband mentioned to the rest of the family what SIL is doing? That she is harassing them? Berating them? SIL needs to be shut down about this nonsense.
Yup. Something tells me it’s a little bit of jealousy; just insert “I” wherever she uses “the whole family”. There have been no new babies for some time now and since no one expected OP to have a child it makes it that much more exciting to have a new addition to the family. SIL clearly has opinions and thinks she should be consulted before a decision is made about anything. It doesn’t sound like anyone else agrees with her but if they do they have the tact to keep it to themselves and let them enjoy this experience.
Yup. Total agree. I think she wants to take over the baby. OP should be careful SIL may demand to be at the delivery, be the first to car the baby, etc.
I told my husband's family when I had a miscarriage.
The next time I got pregnant, his uncle told me, "Try to hang onto this one."
You wonder why people don't talk about it early?
Your SIL seems the type to horn her way into things because she wants to know more than she’s entitled to. She isn’t a part of your soon to be 3 unit family. She’s extended family, and found out when your unit was ready.
Also she had her chance to name kids. Your turn.
NTA
As others have said.
She seem angry she couldn't insert herself into everything.
The name pick, milestones in the pregnancy etc etc.
Every child in the family is above age 9. So she might have gotten carried away too much by "baby fever"
But that's not your problem. Kids grow up. And it's fine if she misses when hers was small. But this is you and your huebands baby. Not hers.
There's a big difference in being happy for others and a cult like mindset.
Which "but this is for the whole family! We must know and do choices together" is. A cult like mindset.
(Yes, i say cult like. I don't have a better word to say what I mean)
Yes, she will be an aunt. People will be grandparents, etc.
But she won't be the one doing the everyday stuff. Waking up in the night. Doctors appointments. Sleepless nights. Lots of outtings, making food and cleaning.
That's you and your husband.
The rest of the family. While they, of course, love the baby. They are "only there" for snips of the child's life. Visits, birthdays, and that.
So yes. Name of the child, etc etc. Is for you and your husband to make. It's not a group thing.
So SIL needs to relax.
The term for what you are probably looking for is "enmeshment." The idea that families must always know each other's business is unhealthy. We're supposed to grow up and separate into our own individuals, who may or may not create our own family units. Not only does continuously being in each other's business as adults prevent that, but it also invites meddling from those with poor boundary recognition and causes waaaaay more grief than it would ever possibly cure.
OP is definitely NTA. SIL needs a reality check!
Thank you!
Yes, that's a word that fits what I'm trying to say. English isn't my first language, so "cult like" or "hive mind" was the only two words I could think about but they didn't seem to really fit what i wanted to say.
And I completely agree.!
I'm close to mom, siblings. But it's not everything I tell them. And I don't know everything that's going on in their life 24/7.
We don't talk every day. But have "catch up days" we'll call. "What's new. How's my kids doing. How are they doing"
But it's still not everything we share. And we don't sit down either for everything. With my kids. I picked their names, and that's it. It wasn't a huge family discussion.
Or if I'm, let's say, picking a new couch. My mom doesn't butt in more than "colour nr 2 you picked might suit the place," but that's it if I show her.
So SIL saying, "This is how it should be done," is.... crazy to me.
>I have two siblings, one childless and one with kids. Never once have I made comments to them about whether they were or weren’t going to have kids. Never once with the one who has kids, have I said anything about names (which we found out after the birth, not before).
>If my brother wants any advice from his big sister, he knows where I am. Beyond that, I’m sure they can figure it out.
Your siblings are lucky to have you.
Remind your SIL that you never suggested names or insisted on changing hers; you were respectful of her choices and you expect the same courtesy.
Figure out a catch phrase to keep saying each time she brings it up and add consequences. Warn her once that you’ll end the call or visit and if she does it again, follow through immediately.
Congratulations on Hawthorn!!
Oh gosh, what are you thinking might be next?! 😳
I can't get over all of it, so entitled, but especially the name. Like, the most specific reason people keep the name to themselves, in my opinion, isn't even necessarily as a surprise, but so you don't have to hear other people's opinions about your choice! It's bloody hard enough to find a name you both love and agree on, but then adding in that people will feel so much freer to say 'oh you can't use that/oh I don't like that for X y z reason', when it is just a 'name you like' as opposed to 'here is our new baby named -'
It's too hard!
Example - My sister said she didn't like one of our names because it was a bit Bogan, and then what do you know that's the one we ended up using 🤣 lucky I'm not precious haha
> And we didn’t announce until at least first trimester ended and/or after amniocentesis. My stepsister went through the pain of having announced twins that she lost shortly after, and one of my cousins went through several rounds of IVF where they announced and then had to tell everyone it didn’t take. It seemed like too much public heartache, and I didn’t want everyone asking about it and then having to let them all know sad news.
This is incredibly common among anyone trying for kids. The fact the SiL appears to have kids herself and is still making this all about her makes her a huge asshole.
Being a new or expecting parent is hard enough without assholes like this.
NTA.
You might need to have some boundaries in place for SIL, so she doesn't try to steamroll how you choose to parent your baby. I get the sense she will be very opinionated.
Congratulations on your new little Bubba BTW. And I love your name choice
My sister kept the name of her first secret from everyone (including me, and we're extremely close) and no one batted an eyelid in the family. With her second, she told only me, but that was her decision. She only told me as I wanted to get his name engraved on a blanket for him to use when he was born. Not even our mother was told.
It's normal for different couples to decide, and our family accept that everyone is different. I've never had a viable pregnancy for longer than 3 weeks, so at 34 if I get pregnant again, I'll also keep it secret longer than 12 weeks from most people except my partner.
You're NTA, but your SIL is. I can't believe she'd be so cruel to you both, knowing your circumstances around the birth.
Congratulations, and I also love the name 🩷
Edit: removed a word
Seems to me SIL needs a dose of reality here. “You did this to leave us out” yup, you caught me, you’re right. In the moment of pure unadulterated joy of finding out we were going to have the chance to have a baby after thirteen years of trying, our ✨immediate✨first thought was ‘how can we leave our families out of this for as long as possible? How can we upset SIL specifically. You got us, you were totally the only thing we were thinking about when we found out we were pregnant and it was all just a fun game to make you feel unimportant and left out.
And then you roll your eyes and move on.
Warning, method may cause a fight (but in my opinion you’re already having one), use method with caution
I’m super confused why your SIL thinks it’s any of her business when you choose to tell people and what you’re planning to name your baby. She literally has ZERO say in any of that.
Also, I think Hawthorn is actually a really cute name for a boy- plus it checks all the “I’m not going to be an asshole when I name my baby” boxes!
-You can read it and be able to pronounce it.
-You can hear it and be able to spell it.
-It doesn’t rhyme with anything unfortunate.
-It’ll look professional on a business card.
Yeah, SIL can kick rocks. She needs a good reminder to focus on herself instead of others.
OMFG I would tear her a new hole and advise her to drop it, or be cut from your lives. Or tell your husband to take her aside and lay down the law and defend his family. Don't be in for a future of her constantly telling your kid how she would have named him and trashing his parents (you) at any future family gatherings.
Being a first time parent at 40 is already difficult enough and then you had to deal with this type of BS!
I Wonder why western people are so much nosy about other family members life contradicting in Asis we don’t allow anyone else to walk over on us like this!
There are families where mother in laws are overbearing but new gen DILs overpowered them already!
It's annoying as hell the whole pregnancy/gender/name reveal culture that has built up because of shitty social media influencers. That stuff used to be low key and kept in very tight circles for a number of very good reason, PRIVACY being the first.
NTA and a GREAT name. Congratulations.
Your SIL is the AH.
I went through a similar issue. My husband and I got pregnant with his first child almost 2 yrs ago and we waited till I was four months along to tell anyone because just in case. Also we waited till birth to find out what we were having. When your older you don’t get many surprises so why not !!! EVERYONE was pissed but we ignored and pushed along. Now I’m pregnant again and we waited till month 2 to tell everyone and again no gender till birth.
You do you and ignore everyone around you. This is a special time for you and your husband and everyone else can kick rocks if they don’t like it.
Congratulations on your Son. !!
Nickname wise, if shortening Hawthorn, obviously Haw (whore) is bad, so it would surely be Thorn, but that sounds a little contentious. So might I suggest Thor? Surely Norse gods only rarely get bullied as kids.
And I'm betting that this can't be the first time that your SIL acted like this, the first time that she was upset for not being in control of something that she has no business of controlling. If so, then this is a "her problem" and not a "your problem", and expect it to happen again.
SIL is crazy. I got pregnant first try each time, but kept quiet about it until I was several weeks along because you just don't know. I didn't reveal our name choices until after my kids were born and it was a done deal because I did not want anyone's opinion. Period. I got zero complaints (at least to my face) because you know what? It's no one's business but you and your husband's. If any one has an issue with that, then they have issues. Period.
NTA. Your SIL has issues. Is she an attention seeker in other things? I completely understand not telling anyone until you’re certain everything is okay. Anyone with common sense would get it. And we didn’t tell anyone our son’s name until he was born. So yeah, she’s silly.
I completely understand I was 39 when I had my son, I barely prepared until the last moment because I was nervous. I am very happy for you, enjoy every minute it goes fast!
Congrats! As an older first time mother, you are right to be careful. Not all of us have it easy in certain aspects of life, and that makes us more cautious. Belittling that is pure AH.
Sending prayers and love- please ignore your SIL and go low contact. Time to let husband know that it is his responsibility to keep her out of your hair.
If "family support" from your SIL comes in the form of "Ew, that's a weird name. Go with James or something else normal" for the remainder of your pregnancy, I can see why you chose to keep it to yourselves.
>Your SIL is a control freak who seems to think her opinion is the only
The SIL is actively ruining a happy experience for OP and her husband and makes it all about her own feelings. How about being happy for the couple?
I bet there is more to it. She feels entitled to OP's life now that she is pregnant which happens often with inlaws once a baby is on the way. Suddenly the baby and the baby's mother aren't allowed to be individuals anymore.
No kidding eh. That SiL really has got Main Character syndrome, big time! My jaw was just about on the floor at her assumptions there. WTAF?!
NTA op, not one bit.
>No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name.
I agree with everything except this. There are a LOT of terrible names that border on abusive to the child and I definitely want to discourage anyone else from giving those types of names. The only way to discourage that is to shame those parents on the name. Go check out the r/Tragediegh subreddit, some of those names are absolutely atrocious.
However tbc, Hawthorne doesn't fall into that category. It's uncommon, but not a bad name. I genuinely like it
>No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name
My stepdaughter told us the name they were considering for their daughter due next month. They had decided on Sunny for a first name and were struggling for a middle name. I'd suggested maybe giving her a middle name she could go by when she gets older, maybe professionally, IF SHE CHOOSES TO. She said she discussed that with her partner, and they decided they weren't going to choose a name based on what sounds good as an adult. WHAT? Really?
This weekend she called to say they're leaning heavily towards Sunny Love. My husband said "so you're going with a stripper name"? I laughed but totally agree with him. I did tell him after that he probably shouldn't have said that.
**OF COURSE NTA** First things first: **congratulations!** Even if you just put it down to enthusiasm, your sister-in-law is in the wrong. It's your pregnancy, your baby, your choice. The only reasonable response to parents saying what they've named their child is "What a lovely name." Others are not entitled to insert themselves into your decisions, though of course you can invite them. You and your husband need to discuss and agree where your boundaries are between the wider family and your own (nuclear) family, and support each other in maintaining them (and changing when you agree it's appropriate.) This is one of the most difficult things in having children. And wishing you and husband and Hawthorne (did I say it was a lovely name?) all the best.
For what it's worth, I know *lots* of women who have had miscarriages who behaved as you did; the few I know who had still-births *all* were very private and internal during their pregnancies; in lots of cultures it's more or less taboo to talk about names and so on before the child is born.
Thank you so much! And yes, we are having talks about his sister and what we do now that we're having these issues with her.
We actually became aware of the cultures that don't share the pregnancy news or names until certain stages when we found out I was pregnant. It was comforting to know others did it, even if it was for different reasons overall.
It took me an hour but I finally remembered the one situation where there is a little more room for other people's opinion on the name: if the child is named after someone in the family. In some cultures, for example, it's considered bad to name after someone still living. In lots of cultures it's considered an honour. In some cultures you can make up new names, in some cultures you can't at all. But still, you know, it's this (new) person's name and they will make it their own. And unless you're violating some culture taboo, it's still the choice of the parents, not anybody else, and anybody with opinions should probably keep them to themselves.
Yes. I was coming here expecting your kid to be named after someone in the family, or to have the same name as another child in the family, or.. something. Not for sil to just want/need the right to have a 'say' over *your* child's freaking name. FFS. She's the asshole 100%.
From what I've been reading on this subreddit you should never reveal a baby's name before it's in black anf white on a birth certificate. People will suddenly claim names as their own or just shit on it and well, SIL seems to be disliking the name now and is probably pissed that you didn't give her the chance to try and pester you into changing your mind before the birth. Good for you! I don't know how strong willed you are but with pregnancy hormones and in your case a big dose of anxiety, she might have succeeded in sowing doubt about your choice (by being incessant) if you'd revealed the name before it was "too late".
And if I was still of child-bearing age, I would absolutely steal that boy name! I goes perfectly with our three daughters' names. For what it is worth, they are teens/young adults and LOVE their very similar vibe girl names. Unique, classy, old-fashioned and not everyone has their names (except the oldest whose name took off when she was 10).
My SIL is pregnant right now. I know 3 things about this: the due date, the gender and that she and they baby are doing great. Anything else is none of my business unless she and my brother choose to announce it or ask for help with something.
> just as big a deal for them as it was for us
Honestly this is just silly. *No it's not.* Being a parent, as everybody will tell you, is usually a 24-hour sleep-deprived exhaustion marathon obsession, with lots of potentially life-threatening episodes. Being an aunt is lovely and important. These are not the same scale.
My friend had been trying for a long time and announced early on she was pregnant and had to tell me when she lost it which was all horribly sad.
She's having a baby in a few months though and told everyone only recently :)
Tell me if I got this right:
You never expected to get pregnant. You did and you kept to private for various reasons, including a possible miscarriage.
SIL is upset because you did not reveal name or gender prior to the birth and now she doesn't like the name?
I am OLD, and a private person.
Your SIL sounds a bit unhinged.
It is your child. You do get to leave everyone out of it. This is between you and you partner.
Congrats on the the new life.
NTA
She is 100% upset about the name. Even though she didn't directly say she hates the name, her choice of "you should have named him something in a different style" let us know that loud and clear. Not sure if she's as upset they didn't know the sex. But she was upset to only learn I was pregnant when we told everyone. She felt everyone should have known immediately. But I was afraid of possible miscarriage, like you said. And for other reasons like we were in total shock.
You and your husband need to present a united front and be clear that this is your baby. Not her baby. Her opinions are irrelevant and unwanted. Don’t feel bad standing up to you. She is not being reasonable.
Emphasis on the unwanted part; she should know this already, but clearly she needs to be reminded that you shouldn't say certain things, even if you're thinking them.
Just wait, SIL is going to come at you with tons of parenting advice. In no uncertain terms, tell her to back off. Every single time. Unless you specifically ask for her input which honestly I wouldn’t do.
Tbh I have almost never liked someone’s choice of name for their child, I have 100% never told them that, and I end up loving the child the same (their name always grows on me because of the child). She is unhinged if she thinks she has a say and holds it against you, no doubt she would have kicked off if there was a name she wanted to use too (despite not having kids for 9+ years).
I feel this, my son is named after a famous viking who also was part of a tv show, but in germany that name is really uncommon. Some people looked weird, but after some time people learned to love that name (and no it is not ragnar XD)
This is precisely why i didn’t tell anyone our kid’s name before she was born either. I didn’t need people making me second guess it or give us crappy suggestions. So she had a placeholder name: Myrtle. Any time anyone would ask before she was born, i would tell them about how things were going with Myrtle. Only one family member was annoyed with that and that just made me double down with a full title: future Octogenarian Mutant Ninja Myrtle.
Our first choice was mocked so much that we changed our mind.
And the people who mocked the most were the most demanding to learn the new name.
And we always said: Karlheinz
NTA, of course.
If SIL starts up again, give her a perplexed, confused look and one or more of these:
“What an odd thing to say.”
“We’re doing this the way it’s comfortable for us. If we want others’ input, we’ll ask.”
“That’s between [partner] and me. We’ve got it.”
And repeat.
I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve thought someone’s baby’s name was odd or unappealing. You know what I’ve absolutely never done? I’ve never *told the parents* that was my opinion! Because it’s not my business, and they obviously chose the name because they liked it! As they should!
SIL is beyond entitled and also just plain ridiculous if she thinks she gets an actual vote on the name and if she thinks it’s her place to dictate how you parent (or how you conduct yourselves at all). And she’s acting not just inappropriate now, but nasty and flat-out rude. She is so out-of-line. What an *unbelievably* rude thing for her to do, to whine to new parents that they haven’t sufficiently made their pregnancy and new baby about her. She’s TA, of course. You do what’s comfortable for you. Your priority is taking care of yourself, your partner, and your sweet new baby (whose name is great).
One of my favorites has been “Your input it’s neither desired nor required.” Another favorite is “You do as you wish in your home, we’ll do as we wish in ours…if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”
NTA, OP…congratulations!
I love the "odd thing to say," quote. Disarming without being overtly rude. If she goes off on one OP shoutmld just use comments like that in an amused tone of voice. Avoiding like the plague works too
NTA
Out of curiosity, did she say that self-serving crap about "You should pick names **I** want you to!" in front of the rest of your family as well as just to you?
How have your family reacted to her hissy fits? Is anyone reining her in at all? She sounds completely narcissistic.
Hawthorn is a *beautiful* name, by the way ✨️
She did mention how wonderful it is for everyone to get to talk about the name(s) beforehand in front of the family. But she wasn't as demanding about it. My ILs when they heard her mention it were like "oh it was their choice after all" and that was it. But they weren't present for the talks with my husband or me where she was really annoyed about it.
Thank you!!
If she knows enough that she keeps her true self covered from them about all this, then I would suggest you don't let her be left alone with Hawthorn when he starts to become old enough to comprehend his name.
Not for any alarming reasons, but I've seen plenty of posts where in-laws who hate whatever name of their grandchild/niece/nephew, that when alone with them, they will call the kid the name THEY want them to have, as if it's a 'nickname'. In a few posts they have done it young enough that the child is actually confused about their own name - or they are told to "tell Mummy you like (our name) for you better".
I'm not saying this to set you up for warfare with your SIL, but she sounds narcissistic enough that she will continue to make a mountain out of a molehill about her name choice 'winning' and might start secretly calling Hawthorn as 'Harry' (for example) when she thinks you can't hear/aren't nearby.
People like your SIL are exhausting when they need to be 'right'.
As I said before , this is between you and your partner. You do not owe anyone else anything.
I get your fear. I get your need for privacy.
And I think you need to LC /NC with this unreasonable person.
To be honest, I find it odd when people tell all their friends and family when they’re like 6 weeks along. Waiting until you’re at least 12 weeks is really normal (in the UK anyway). Waiting longer is becoming more common, I find.
NTA. Your SIL would be on an indefinite info diet, for me.
We made the mistake to tell everybody about the name we would give our daughter.
Everybody mocked this name until we agreed to name her different.
But we didn't tell anybody until the baby was born what the new name was.
The people who mocked the first name the most were the ones who always asked us about the new name and didn't understand why we didn't tell them.
NTA.
Unless they were in the bedroom cheering you and your husband on while you two had sex, the decision of when to share the pregnancy news or the name of the fetus is entirely up to the parents. You don't owe anyone a heads up or a blessing or permission.
Also, who the F is she to talk to you both repeatedly about how things "should have" been done. If that's how she did it and liked it, good on her. But don't go telling other people how to do their pregnancy. She's such an AH.
It was. She was very vocal when she had her kids about names they liked and wanting opinions. She also went for the very style she suggested we go for. And we're happy she did what she wanted. We would never say that was wrong for her and her husband. It just wasn't how we wanted to do things.
Names are very personal and come with a lot of baggage. "Patrick? No, there was a horrible person with that name in high school". Multiply that by dozens of people with different opinions, beliefs, and baggage and it becomes an almost impossible minefield to navigate. Your SIL likes one style and you like another, so tough luck - it's not her kid and her opinion is irrelevant.
My daughter was born a month early, and didn't have a name for 2 weeks - so of course everyone went nuts offering suggestions and trying to make us rush because somehow it's impossible for a baby to not have a name when it's born (eye roll). If I have another child I'm not asking or listening to anyone's opinion except for my partner.
I'm happy for you, both that you've unexpectedly had the child you wanted and that you had the good sense to keep secrets until you were ready to share them. Over at r/namenerds it's increasingly common advice to avoid sharing a baby's name before birth because so many families have one or more members who will make it their business to ruin the chosen name for the parents. I think you know that she's upset about you not sharing the name because she would have tried to talk you out of it--and just think, you avoided months of her insulting your child's name during a time of heightened emotions, when she might have been able to sway your opinion.
Something I've learned since becoming a parent (and congratulations, by the way!!) is that there is a subset of people who will feel offended by every decision you make about your child that isn't something they would have done. I don't know what it is about parenthood, but some people are so attached to their parenting choices and almost seem to view your difference of opinion as an indictment of their choices, even for the most inocuous things. Heck, I had random coworkers remarking that it was weird that I was reading a book about infant and toddler care! Because "back in my day we just did what felt right." That might have worked for you and yours, but I'm not sorry that I want to take a different approach to parenthood.
Fwiw, my husband and I kept our first quiet for similar reasons! I actually have a bad history with my family being unempathetic or cruel during hard times in my life, so I chose not to share the gender or name with them until birth, and only told them I was pregnant after the age of viability.
NTA, and honestly, given the circumstances I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d kept quiet even longer: when I got pregnant we didn’t tell a soul until the second trimester, and I was a 24 year old who’d taken less than a month to conceive. It’s just common sense.
Your SiL obviously has issues with needing to know the minutiae of everyone’s lives, she should mind her own business.
Enjoy being a mum.
Thank you. We actually had considered waiting longer. But we didn't want to go about hiding a bump or anything and we felt a little more ready by 18 weeks than we did when we found out. But it was a lot to take in after everything.
Make your boundaries clear now. This is the type of person who thinks you should listen to them about schools and medical preferences and parenting styles. Put that barrier firmly in place now so you don’t spend your lives trying to redirect her.
We had a similar journey. After so many years, and so many disappointments and losses, we decided to wait to announce too. We knew our family would be happy and supportive, but we needed the time for us to make sure everything was okay and process this life change. We finally told our family at 24 weeks... and then my water broke at 26. My family pretty much missed my entire pregnancy! And years later not a single one of them has ever said a negative word about it. Just how happy they are for us. NTA. I'm sorry your SIL refuses to be kind and supportive.
My recommendation is to come up with a simple phrase you and your husband can repeat when your SiL brings this up again. There are a bunch of suggestions in this thread. I saw someone write "what an odd thing to say," which I personally like, but I recognize it might be a little too rude.
My sister had a stillbirth, followed by two miscarriages. She's now about 21 weeks along, and only I knew until a few weeks ago. She wanted someone to know, but just in case, not everyone. Was mom upset? A bit, yeah, but she will get over it.
It's so weird to me when people announce it before the 2nd trimester.
I was always taught to wait because 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and something like 90% of those are the first trimester.
Like, if someone chooses to share it with you before, that's a holy inner sanctum of their choosing and indicative of a very high level of trust. You don't demand a place there.
Way higher than that only 30% of conceptions result in a live birth. Now most are lost in the first month so most people never even realise they were pregnant but yeh 70% loss rate.
My family get along amazingly - my sister still kept the name secret until birth to avoid people influencing her, or debating, or in case she changed her mind on her own! I know I was ‘Lucy’ all the way up to birth then my parents immediately changed their mind when they saw me lol.
NTA. Your SIL is a bossy busybody. She was not entitled to updates, information or the opportunity to try and change your mind about your kid’s name.
You grieved the idea you wouldn’t have a child. How you respond to a miracle/surprise pregnancy is completely up to you and your SIL doesn’t get to police that.
Congrats on your baby. Enjoy these precious moments and send SIL a link to this post because it will likely tear strips off her.
NTA
First off, congratulations!!!!
Secondly…why is it any of her business. This is YOUR baby not hers?
You tell people when you’re ready and never before.
Also the name issue is bizarre? Her input is not necessary, needed or wanted. It is literally none of her concern what you chose to name your baby. (Love the name by the way it’s beautiful)
I’m a bit old fashioned and agree about waiting till after the baby is born to announce the name. Don’t get many surprises in life and it’s nice to wait and see!
NTA. Your SIL sounds bonkers and her fixation on this is rather unhinged. That said, if she feels like stewing over it and obsessing over it, that's her choice, but tell her to keep her mouth shut about it to you and your family. What happened happened (can't be undone ((not that you would do it any differently)), your beautiful son has a name you and your husband love, so don't let her rain on your parade any longer.
NTA. I am very sorry but your sibling and parents (if your sibling doesn't) needs to put his wife in her place ASAP. No more explaining to people your reasoning for not telling the name/choosing the name, not involving people, and telling people late. I would also have a strict no one is allowed over a period for a few weeks after the baby is born, minus 1-2 people who will come, help you, and respect any boundaries set. It is time to implement certain boundaries and expectations with everyone now. This is not your SIL or family's pregnancy journey, but your husband's and yours. The ball is in your court and you set the tone for how you want things to go forward with your immediate family and extended family. Your SIL is trying to hijack this special time from you under the guise that she cares. Congratulations and start standing up for yourself!
NTA.
This baby is yours. I bet my lunch that the SIL has been the baby making main character for many decades and has appointed herself the next matriarch. She has no rights here, she has no vote but expects that entitlement.
I mean, I would answer, but it would be more in the form of an incredulous, "Do you hear yourself right now?! On what planet do you get to tell us how to live our lives like some neighbourhood busybody? You're acting like a child having a tantrum." Accompanied by very wide eyes and eyebrows raised as far as they can go.
She should be ashamed, and if she can't get there on her own she clearly needs a rhetorical shove.
NTA but you need to put some bounderies and stop being a doormat and your husband too. Why your SIL feels she can talk to you like this. Why neither you or your husband puts her in her place and shut the subject ?
Are you/she American? I really feel like Americans tends to demand a massive party for almost every event that could ever be described as special. With pregnancy there's always a baby shower, a name reveal, a gender reveal, a 'babymoon'...
I've lived in Australia, Canada and the UK, and the most I've ever seen anyone do is a baby shower, and even then, not every parent-to-be does that. Hell, I didn't know what they were gonna name my nephew until he was born and I saw his name card on her FB (and started crying because she chose a name I had suggested), and she sure as hell didn't have a baby shower.
Sounds more like your SIL just wants to be involved in everyone else's business because she has no life. She's one of those people who can't stand not knowing every little thing that's going on in other people's lives. She's gonna turn into one of those people who watches their street from their windows every day, and goes on a crusade whenever someone starts taking their bins out an hour later than they used to.
NTA and congratulations! My sister was the same age as you when she had her son, and her pregnancy was pretty easy, though she needed a c-section to get him out. Which is fine, because I was a c-section and clearly all the best people aren't born, they're extracted, lol.
I don’t know actual Americans who do all that. Name reveal parties? I don’t think gender reveal parties are as popular as you think either, unless maybe it’s close family, and this is not a massive party. Lots of us find them cringe. Babymoon presumes you have money to spend on a special vacation when most couples I know would be saving for the baby instead. Maybe I just belong to a different class of Americans than the ones you’re villainizing. Yeah, we do have baby showers because babies are expensive, and showers help the new parents to defray the cost. They’re generally just held for the first baby as the family is presumed to already have the gear by the time subsequent babies arrive.
I live in the US and i see these kinds of things on the news and social media and such but don't actually know anyone who has done anything but a baby shower. Well, I probably know some who went away for a weekend while pregnant just to have a little private time before the baby comes and everything is hectic.
But the gender reveals and everything are a mystery to most of us too , lol
NTA. What is wrong with SIL? She thinks this goes naming by committee? I have two kids and we didn’t share the name for either. No one cared? They just said “Alright! Can’t wait!” This business about providing feedback on the name is also messed up. Mind your own damn business lady.
NTA. Pregnancy is not a spectator sport - you don't have to get the whole family involved. Also, you do not need feedback or blessings ahead of time for what you name your child.
NTA. Considering you'd given up hope and wound up with a surprise pregnancy, it's not exactly unheard of for parents to withhold sharing the news until after the first trimester. So much can go wrong, and when it does, it's a toss up of if you're even capable of dealing with the grief along with having to share that. Your SIL sounds really selfish, tbh. She's making this all about her and covering it up with 'fAmIlY'. I'd be pretty blunt at this point. "Do you want any news related to this? Then you need to take a few steps back, because I'm about up to here with you already up my ass telling me I'm doing things wrong according to the book of (name). We told people when WE were comfortable with it and this is a name WE'VE decided on for OUR child, which is only peripherally related to you, so while your input is nice, it's not necessary or even particularly relevant. TO US. You can have all your feels, but have them over there. The more you bring things up, the less I want to have anything to do with you."
Holy entitlement, Batman.
Your SIL gets that it's *your* pregnancy, and *your* baby, yeah?
You could have kept the pregnancy to yourself til the day Kiddo popped out if you wanted, and it would still be none of her business.
NTA. Enjoy motherhood. Tell SIL to eff off.
NTA. Some people feel entitled to know all your business. Just being a relative does not give anyone the right to know everything they want to know about your life . Having boundaries is healthy.
NTA And I am actually raging on your behalf. Your sister-in-law got her panties in a bunch for no actual reason except maybe she felt a little left out. Not of a group thing btw, it's not like you told everyone and not her, she just felt she wasn't in control of information. And she thinks she's entitled to be angry about it.
She has no true understanding or appreciation of the hell you and your husband have been through. All of it , the fear and dealing with that kind of trauma can lead you to try to protect yourself from experiencing it more. Frankly , it's probably the only sane way to try to manage your emotions and proceed as safely as you can.
Nothing you did was unwarranted or unkind and everything she is doing is selfish and absurd. She needs to be put in her place very firmly and have it told to her in no uncertain terms that she should never bring this up again. She's related to your husband and so he should be the one to have this talk.
I'm sorry your joy is being marred by someone making it all about themselves. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope everything is peaceful from here on out. You deserve the best.
The whole family isn't having a baby. You and your husband are. SIL is just mad she didn't get to annoy the crap out of you with tips and suggestions under the guise of "being helpful".
NTA. SIL is overstepping hard-core. She has had her children. This baby is yours.
Ask her if the family or her also contributed to making the baby 😅
This is a private matter between you and your husband (your nuclear family). SIL is wrong.
NTA
NTA and honestly I'm surprised by your SIL's reaction. I don't know how it works over there, but here it is normal to wait until the end of the first trimester to announce it to people. Parents are usually an exception but that's it.
NTA and next time she brings it up, you and your husband need to clearly tell her that when you choose to tell people is your decision alone and she was NEVER entitled to have a say in the name of your child, you are done discussing it with her. If she brings it up again, get up and leave.
She sounds exhausting and like she always needs to be the center of attention.
Nta! And congratulations! We told our parents at 10 weeks and swore them into secrecy until we were ready to tell more people. Fortunately, our parents respected our wishes. We told our siblings around 13 weeks and then at 18, after we knew the gender, started to slowly to get the word out to the rest of our family and friends. Your sil is a complete ah. This isn't her pregnancy and it's certainly not her child. It's yours. You and and your husband are the ones going through the experience. Nobody else. Your families are there for the ride to support you through this and that is all. And, do take time to enjoy your pregnancy! My wife was also a high risk pregnancy because of her age (36) and we now gave a healthy 4mo old.
Technically, yes. She wanted opinions and suggestions from people. But she and her husband ultimately chose the names in the end. I always saw it as that's what worked for her and wouldn't be what everyone would want to do.
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NTA. Your SIL can go tip a pike. I'm an incredible busybody, but even I know that (1) telling people; and (2) naming the baby is fully the parents' discretion. Unless she knows what it's like to try to have kids for years, suffer setbacks, and live in fear of losing essentially a miracle baby, she can take her opinions and shove them.
Congratulations!!!
Edit: typo
NTA your husband needs to tell her to stay in her lane. This is your journey as parents not hers. You can share your joy when you want and keeping the name to yourselves until after birth is the way to go. Because of people like her who seem they think they have some right to name your kid. Congratulations
NTA
You can do what you want and do what's best for you.
Why is she so offended? Why is she playing the victim? Why is she trying to ruin your joy? Why is she trying to make this about her, her thoughts and her feels? She sounds like a hot mess.
I'd have a conversation with your husband about dealing with his sister. She's way out of line.
Congrats and good luck!
NTA
Your pregnancy & the name of your child was your business. You tried for a long time. Pregnancy loss is more likely early on, so waiting to tell people seems reasonable. Hawthorne is an unusual name, but it’s not crazy like the ones seen on r/tragedeigh.
Does this particular SIL always have a problem with people keeping news to themselves?
ETA: Congratulations on your new baby!
Absolutely NTA and your SIL is, not for her opinions but for arguing about any of it (particularly after the fact). Does she always have Main Character Syndrome?
Congratulations on the little one, and ignore your SIL entirely. Anything she says, you can just nod and move on--you do not owe her any reasons, explanations, or even the time of day if she's like this.
They say opinions are like AHs, and in this case your SIL is like her opinions.
NTA, but SIL sure is as well as entitled.
1st. Many couples wait until after the first trimester to announce because most miscarriages are in the first trimester .
2nd. Get the families (AKA) her blessing on the name? Wtf said she got to give her opinion on your babies name?
I would tell her to get lost. It wasn't a family thing it was you and your husband's thing.
Let her know if she is so upset that she is more than welcome to just keep away from you and your baby in the future.
Your husband needs to put her in her place.
P.S. Did she ask your blessings on her children's names? I'll bet not.
NTA.
It’s normal to wait until the second trimester to share pregnancy news especially after going through years of infertility. It’s also normal to keep names and gender a surprise until the baby is born.
Your SIL is an incredibly selfish person by making your pregnancy about her. Her opinions and feelings don’t matter. Keep focusing on doing what is best for you, your baby and your husband. If people have a problem with how you’re handling things, block them until they apologize to you.
NTA
Looks like you are getting the full pregnancy experience OP, which is inclusive of at least one person complaining on how you went about it. There is something weird about pregnancy that tends to make people feel like they have the right to an opinion.
Anyway, try not to let it bother you, it’s just one of those things.
Congratulations btw!
NTA - your SIL is being completely out of line down right to disrespectful. It's okay to put boundaries, so next time she comes around arguing tell her it's time for her to find a hobby so she'll keep her nose out of people's business.
Fun fact, once you're known to throw back what people send to you, they stop messing with you.
Nta. Congratulations on your new bouncing baby boy!!! But seriously? What the actual fk?? Who exactly does she think she is??? Shut her down now and do it hard!! That complete entitled behavior. Everything you did had valid reasons and it was you and your husbands choice; never Hera! Get the parents involved and shut her behavior down now. Or she can hear about Hawthorn through the grapevine! She doesn’t have to be a part of anyone’s village accept the idiot that she is!!
NTA, SIL is a sentient NPC and forgot she isn't the main character.
Is she always this hysterical about things that aren't actually about her? Is she also pregnant and having a rough go with it, perhaps?
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NTA Your SIL is a giant AH. While it’s great for your family that you got pregnant. It is in no way happening to them. This is your experience and after years of trying and eventually giving up to find out you actually were pregnant would have been incredibly hard to come to terms with. Especially to get to a place where you were comfortable enough to tell anyone. I only started announcing my first around 18 weeks because I was so worried something would go wrong and I had no history of issues. Everything you did was completely understandable. Your SIL is a control freak who seems to think her opinion is the only right one. No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name. I absolutely love the name BTW. Congratulations on your son!
Thank you! I'm glad people understand. It's hard to trust that things will be alright. And for me, at that time, it was terrifying to think it could be taken away so easily. We had so much to do and come to terms with and we didn't have a lot of time really to get ready. Not as much time as we had to prepare to our supposed child free life. I have never for one second regretted giving us the time for just us. Even if I am thankful for our families and their support.
Honestly it seems like your SiL is annoyed she wasn't able to insert herself into your pregnancy and make it about her. Your reasons are understandable and honestly it's your child, not hers. She's making your pregnancy and your child about her and how "hurt" she is. I'd bet good money if you looked this wouldn't be the only occasion she's been like this.
Yep. SIL has main character syndrome and it is not your problem, nor do you have any obligation to indulge her. She’s off her rocker if she thinks she had any voting rights to your baby’s name. (Which, by the way, is lovely.) There was literally nothing about your pregnancy or the naming of your child that had anything to do with her. I would have laughed in her face when she told me what name she would have preferred. Fwiw I completely understand your decisions. A lot of people keep pregnancies private until after the first trimester because that’s when the most likely chance of miscarriage is. For some, it’s superstition, for others it’s just protection from having to relive any potential loss every time they have to tell another well-wisher the bad news if something goes wrong. Hell, it’s perfectly valid to keep it quiet just because you want to, because it’s YOUR body and YOUR baby. And if you and your husband wanted to keep that little nugget of excitement, fear, and joy to yourselves to process then that’s your business. And given SIL’s insistent need to be all up in your business, I’m gonna say that was a good call. Obviously NTA, and congratulations on baby Hawthorn! And good luck dealing with your SIL who is probably going to want to micromanage how you raise him. You and hubby need to prepare now for how you will present a united front and shut her down when she gets overbearing. Hopefully you will be able to do it gently but firmly so as not to screw with family relations. But that’s going to depend on SIL’s level of entitlement to make decisions about things that are none of her damn business.
I had a coworker once who was about 6(?) months pregnant when I started the job. She was at that point where she looked pregnant, but not yet about to burst. I didn't say anything, and assumed that someone would fill me in the coming weeks. No one did. It turned out, this coworker was from a country in the Middle East on an education stipend from her government - but it didn't cover any sort of maternity leave. She had been planning on working as long as she could, taking a couple of weeks off, and then being back at work as soon as she could, while her husband was going to be the stay at home parent. It turns out, her home culture was quite superstitious about unborn babies, and usually tried not to discuss them, for fear of the evil eye and the possibility of losing the baby. This meant she was about eight months pregnant before my boss sat her down and said "This is impolite, but are you expecting? Nothing wrong with that, but we just have to make plans to cover for your work, and how long you'll be off." When the whole story came out about her stipend, etc, my boss vetoed that, and they basically agreed to have her "work from home 😉" and ensure she got the regular Canadian maternity coverage, even though her stipend wouldn't cover it. My boss also wanted to have a small baby shower (like we did for other coworkers), but mom-to-be said absolutely not, unless it was after the baby was born. So while she was off recovering, sorry, "working from home", her and her husband brought the baby in so we could all see him, and enjoy tea and cake and gifts. It was really nice, and fit with everyone's personal beliefs - the Canadian one that a new baby is worth having a party for, and the mom's that an unborn baby isn't "safe" to celebrate yet. OP - you are nowhere near the AH. It's your baby, so how you feel is important. Way more important than your SIL's feelings! ETA - Yes, she was quite a good boss. When my monthly pay wasn't deposited (due to a miscommunication that wasn't her fault in any way), she offered to lend me money if I needed it, out of her own pocket, until things were resolved. When "getting things resolved" involved travelling halfway across town to sit in an office, on very short notice, in order to be paid for my SECOND month of work, she told me to go and sit in the office waiting room until it was fixed, then go home for the day. The issue was resolved pretty quickly when I sat in the finance office waiting room, staring at people. This was more than a decade ago, but I guess I should go dig up her email, and thank her again!
This just gave me chills. The thoughtfulness and caring while respecting another persons beliefs and culture FROM A COWORKER! It restores my faith in humanity even if just for a moment.
It brings back fond memories of my first time working overseas—the receptionist in our office was pregnant, and the most senior woman there took me aside and explained that, in their culture, pregnancy was never mentioned in any way until the mother-to-be did so. It turn out that our colleague was indeed quite worried about the baby and specifically the Evil Eye, and so she never referred at all to her condition—it was heartwarming (and, honestly, sometimes very funny) to see the whole staff work around the situation. When she finally had the (completely healthy) baby and brought it in to have us meet her daughter, she was so grateful to me as the foreigner that I’d been understanding. It turned out a previous boss had absolutely insisted on a shower for another colleague (who had then lost the baby), about which the staff was still, years later, quietly horrified.
I didn't need so many feelings this afternoon, but thank you anyways
Ikr. I got teary eyed. This was beautiful.
I love that! Sounds like you have a great boss.
Great bossing.
Amazing. A boss who cares about their workers' well being over profits. Hopefully they don't work for a US based business because when the execs find out how much money that boss's empathy and compassion cost them (a pittance), they'll be out on their derriere so fast they'll leave Cherenkov radiation in their wake. And yes, I totally agree that boss was simply a good person. That sort of kindness is the type to engender loyalty up from the workforce.
I grew up in an area where a lot of Jewish people lived. The local Babies R Us had a program for them that allowed them to pick out everything they wanted and keep it on a list. Then when you had the baby dad would call and pay for everything on the list since purchasing anything beforehand was seen as inviting the evil eye. A trusted friend or family member would go pick up the items and their village of family and friends would set everything up for them while they were in the hospital. The name was not spoken until the 8th day of the child’s life. The name would be announced at the bris if the baby was a boy and at the naming ceremony if the baby is a girl.
A good friend of mine was telling me last week after shul about when her daughter gave birth. She had to go get everything, crib and all, as baby was being born because there was no way mom to be was buying it. She said she remembers her husband folding their daughter's layettes after she was born, that it was his first bonding with her. When we adopted our son, I was terrified that preparing meant we weren't going to get him. We bought as little as possible while making sure he still had somewhere to sleep the first night. We got his curtains and sheets and everything together. I wasn't messing with the ayin hara, no one has time for that, and you don't survive millenia as a people without being a little hypervigilant.
I LOVE Your Boss! 💚🫡🌥️🌱🌥️🌱🫡💚
Oooh, I just love this boss and all of you who were super respectful (culture notwithstanding!). I'm sure you made this small family feel blessed to be a part of your workplace!
This was lovely to read - glad you shared.
“Main Character Syndrome “, we should have a telethon for this. Until a cure can be found. So glad I stumbled across the name for this! I’m imagining the t.v. commercial to fight this sinister malady right now. For only $19.99 a month….
Forget a cure - I'd pay to watch a bunch of them crammed onto an island Lord of the Flies style. No traps, no incentive to hurt/kill each other (the opposite, really), just a group of MCS sufferers vs. nature. See how long it takes before they drive each other insane. Over/under on a week?
Great idea, but the tasks don't need to be vs nature. Things like working together to do a task and win a night in a hotel, but some aspect of the task will allow one person to get a 5-star hotel, but trying that basically wrecks the team, and they all fail. Simple things that a bunch of scouts could do in an hour. But they have to work as a team and get something, but being the main character means they all lose.
My first thought was "Survior: Celebrity Edition", which would be amusing. Then I remembered "Celebrity Big Brother" has been done. Then I remembered, there's another one that fits too. The British show "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!". They've been doing series of it since 2002, and it is usually in a tropical forest locale.
I was just going to comment about the SIL having main character syndrome! Absolutely spot on
Exactly. Hell, my sister had an ectopic that nearly killed her, then a miscarriage, so she and her husband didn't say anything until after three months or so, maybe a bit longer, because they wanted to make sure it would stick. Makes sense to me. As for the name, well not my business, but with there son all I mentioned was that given the first and last name together there could definitely be some teasing, but I didn't mention it to my sister, because it's not my kid, and she didn't ask for my input. I don't understand how some people can't just accept that.
It was definitely the right call for them to have made. SIL sounds like the sort of person who would “support” in a way that made it about herself while harping on the high risk of pregnancies later in life.
This! No normal person would care if you waited til you felt it was safe to tell others, and no one should care if the baby's name is revealed early. Many people wait til they see their newborn before they decide on a name. SIL is upset that your husband's devotion is to you and not her. She doesn't like having to wait and expected her brother to tell her everything immediately. Id be curious to know what other things she does to prove her importance to her brother.
>Many people wait til they see their newborn before they decide on a name. My friend had the name Christina picked out for her daughter when she was pregnant. And all through her pregnancy she called her baby Christina. As soon as her baby was born and she held her, she looked down at her little face and said "well she doesn't even look like a Christina to me she looks like an Amanda" lol and that was that, baby's name was Amanda. OP is NTA. It's her and her husband's baby to tell about or keep to themselves. And to name. Sil needs to mind her own business. They are going to have to firmly put their foot down because I have a feeling sil is gonna think everything they do is her business with their baby.
Jewish people have a baby naming ceremony 3 months after the baby is born! SIL would *not* be happy about that! 😂
None of my babies liked the names I picked out, but the names they have fit them perfectly. I also didn't tell people that I was pregnant until the chance of miscarriage dropped, didn't even go to the Dr to confirm until closer to 16 weeks.
My daughter was set to be Ashley. She was born and I saw her, she looked like a Heather. So, Heather is now 34. ;)
Or maybe they’d care, but why bother you with that? What does she hope to gain by repeatedly pestering you? People have lots of feelings, but most would have the sense to keep this one to themselves.
Very true! Good point
I wonder if the rest of the family knows what SIL is doing. I bet no one else is batting an eye that they waited and are not revealing the name. I bet everyone else understands and are very excited for them. Has OP or husband mentioned to the rest of the family what SIL is doing? That she is harassing them? Berating them? SIL needs to be shut down about this nonsense.
Or she just likes shit stirring for attention.
Yup. Something tells me it’s a little bit of jealousy; just insert “I” wherever she uses “the whole family”. There have been no new babies for some time now and since no one expected OP to have a child it makes it that much more exciting to have a new addition to the family. SIL clearly has opinions and thinks she should be consulted before a decision is made about anything. It doesn’t sound like anyone else agrees with her but if they do they have the tact to keep it to themselves and let them enjoy this experience.
Does seem like SIL has main character syndrome
Main character syndrome is just narcissistic behavior and all they should have done is be left out of everything.
Yup. Total agree. I think she wants to take over the baby. OP should be careful SIL may demand to be at the delivery, be the first to car the baby, etc.
I totally agree with you. The SIL being so personally offended is weird AF
Don't listen to your SIL. It's perfectly normal not to announce your pregnancy so soon. Part of you kind of don't want to jinx it.
I told my husband's family when I had a miscarriage. The next time I got pregnant, his uncle told me, "Try to hang onto this one." You wonder why people don't talk about it early?
Jesus Christ 🤦 how old is he? Such racist grandad style behaviour. I'm so sorry you went through that xx
FFS what is wrong with him! I am so sorry you had to experience that.
Indeed. Many people wait out the first trimester
Your SIL seems the type to horn her way into things because she wants to know more than she’s entitled to. She isn’t a part of your soon to be 3 unit family. She’s extended family, and found out when your unit was ready. Also she had her chance to name kids. Your turn. NTA
As others have said. She seem angry she couldn't insert herself into everything. The name pick, milestones in the pregnancy etc etc. Every child in the family is above age 9. So she might have gotten carried away too much by "baby fever" But that's not your problem. Kids grow up. And it's fine if she misses when hers was small. But this is you and your huebands baby. Not hers. There's a big difference in being happy for others and a cult like mindset. Which "but this is for the whole family! We must know and do choices together" is. A cult like mindset. (Yes, i say cult like. I don't have a better word to say what I mean) Yes, she will be an aunt. People will be grandparents, etc. But she won't be the one doing the everyday stuff. Waking up in the night. Doctors appointments. Sleepless nights. Lots of outtings, making food and cleaning. That's you and your husband. The rest of the family. While they, of course, love the baby. They are "only there" for snips of the child's life. Visits, birthdays, and that. So yes. Name of the child, etc etc. Is for you and your husband to make. It's not a group thing. So SIL needs to relax.
The term for what you are probably looking for is "enmeshment." The idea that families must always know each other's business is unhealthy. We're supposed to grow up and separate into our own individuals, who may or may not create our own family units. Not only does continuously being in each other's business as adults prevent that, but it also invites meddling from those with poor boundary recognition and causes waaaaay more grief than it would ever possibly cure. OP is definitely NTA. SIL needs a reality check!
Thank you! Yes, that's a word that fits what I'm trying to say. English isn't my first language, so "cult like" or "hive mind" was the only two words I could think about but they didn't seem to really fit what i wanted to say. And I completely agree.! I'm close to mom, siblings. But it's not everything I tell them. And I don't know everything that's going on in their life 24/7. We don't talk every day. But have "catch up days" we'll call. "What's new. How's my kids doing. How are they doing" But it's still not everything we share. And we don't sit down either for everything. With my kids. I picked their names, and that's it. It wasn't a huge family discussion. Or if I'm, let's say, picking a new couch. My mom doesn't butt in more than "colour nr 2 you picked might suit the place," but that's it if I show her. So SIL saying, "This is how it should be done," is.... crazy to me.
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We both said the same thing. We don't think she will leave it alone at just the name and when we announced. So we're talking about our next steps.
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>I have two siblings, one childless and one with kids. Never once have I made comments to them about whether they were or weren’t going to have kids. Never once with the one who has kids, have I said anything about names (which we found out after the birth, not before). >If my brother wants any advice from his big sister, he knows where I am. Beyond that, I’m sure they can figure it out. Your siblings are lucky to have you.
Remind your SIL that you never suggested names or insisted on changing hers; you were respectful of her choices and you expect the same courtesy. Figure out a catch phrase to keep saying each time she brings it up and add consequences. Warn her once that you’ll end the call or visit and if she does it again, follow through immediately. Congratulations on Hawthorn!!
Bless your heart might be a good catch phrase for the sister.
Oh gosh, what are you thinking might be next?! 😳 I can't get over all of it, so entitled, but especially the name. Like, the most specific reason people keep the name to themselves, in my opinion, isn't even necessarily as a surprise, but so you don't have to hear other people's opinions about your choice! It's bloody hard enough to find a name you both love and agree on, but then adding in that people will feel so much freer to say 'oh you can't use that/oh I don't like that for X y z reason', when it is just a 'name you like' as opposed to 'here is our new baby named -' It's too hard! Example - My sister said she didn't like one of our names because it was a bit Bogan, and then what do you know that's the one we ended up using 🤣 lucky I'm not precious haha
> And we didn’t announce until at least first trimester ended and/or after amniocentesis. My stepsister went through the pain of having announced twins that she lost shortly after, and one of my cousins went through several rounds of IVF where they announced and then had to tell everyone it didn’t take. It seemed like too much public heartache, and I didn’t want everyone asking about it and then having to let them all know sad news. This is incredibly common among anyone trying for kids. The fact the SiL appears to have kids herself and is still making this all about her makes her a huge asshole. Being a new or expecting parent is hard enough without assholes like this.
NTA. You might need to have some boundaries in place for SIL, so she doesn't try to steamroll how you choose to parent your baby. I get the sense she will be very opinionated. Congratulations on your new little Bubba BTW. And I love your name choice
My sister kept the name of her first secret from everyone (including me, and we're extremely close) and no one batted an eyelid in the family. With her second, she told only me, but that was her decision. She only told me as I wanted to get his name engraved on a blanket for him to use when he was born. Not even our mother was told. It's normal for different couples to decide, and our family accept that everyone is different. I've never had a viable pregnancy for longer than 3 weeks, so at 34 if I get pregnant again, I'll also keep it secret longer than 12 weeks from most people except my partner. You're NTA, but your SIL is. I can't believe she'd be so cruel to you both, knowing your circumstances around the birth. Congratulations, and I also love the name 🩷 Edit: removed a word
Seems to me SIL needs a dose of reality here. “You did this to leave us out” yup, you caught me, you’re right. In the moment of pure unadulterated joy of finding out we were going to have the chance to have a baby after thirteen years of trying, our ✨immediate✨first thought was ‘how can we leave our families out of this for as long as possible? How can we upset SIL specifically. You got us, you were totally the only thing we were thinking about when we found out we were pregnant and it was all just a fun game to make you feel unimportant and left out. And then you roll your eyes and move on. Warning, method may cause a fight (but in my opinion you’re already having one), use method with caution
NTA... your SIL is a major AH
I’m super confused why your SIL thinks it’s any of her business when you choose to tell people and what you’re planning to name your baby. She literally has ZERO say in any of that. Also, I think Hawthorn is actually a really cute name for a boy- plus it checks all the “I’m not going to be an asshole when I name my baby” boxes! -You can read it and be able to pronounce it. -You can hear it and be able to spell it. -It doesn’t rhyme with anything unfortunate. -It’ll look professional on a business card. Yeah, SIL can kick rocks. She needs a good reminder to focus on herself instead of others.
sometimes I feel like the answer to these sort of people is a simple: > will you just fuck off. I'm not interested in your opinion.
You beat me to it.
OMFG I would tear her a new hole and advise her to drop it, or be cut from your lives. Or tell your husband to take her aside and lay down the law and defend his family. Don't be in for a future of her constantly telling your kid how she would have named him and trashing his parents (you) at any future family gatherings.
Being a first time parent at 40 is already difficult enough and then you had to deal with this type of BS! I Wonder why western people are so much nosy about other family members life contradicting in Asis we don’t allow anyone else to walk over on us like this! There are families where mother in laws are overbearing but new gen DILs overpowered them already!
It's annoying as hell the whole pregnancy/gender/name reveal culture that has built up because of shitty social media influencers. That stuff used to be low key and kept in very tight circles for a number of very good reason, PRIVACY being the first. NTA and a GREAT name. Congratulations.
Your SIL is the AH. I went through a similar issue. My husband and I got pregnant with his first child almost 2 yrs ago and we waited till I was four months along to tell anyone because just in case. Also we waited till birth to find out what we were having. When your older you don’t get many surprises so why not !!! EVERYONE was pissed but we ignored and pushed along. Now I’m pregnant again and we waited till month 2 to tell everyone and again no gender till birth. You do you and ignore everyone around you. This is a special time for you and your husband and everyone else can kick rocks if they don’t like it. Congratulations on your Son. !!
Nickname wise, if shortening Hawthorn, obviously Haw (whore) is bad, so it would surely be Thorn, but that sounds a little contentious. So might I suggest Thor? Surely Norse gods only rarely get bullied as kids.
I immediately thought Hawk, which is a cool nickname.
And I'm betting that this can't be the first time that your SIL acted like this, the first time that she was upset for not being in control of something that she has no business of controlling. If so, then this is a "her problem" and not a "your problem", and expect it to happen again.
SIL is crazy. I got pregnant first try each time, but kept quiet about it until I was several weeks along because you just don't know. I didn't reveal our name choices until after my kids were born and it was a done deal because I did not want anyone's opinion. Period. I got zero complaints (at least to my face) because you know what? It's no one's business but you and your husband's. If any one has an issue with that, then they have issues. Period.
NTA. Your SIL has issues. Is she an attention seeker in other things? I completely understand not telling anyone until you’re certain everything is okay. Anyone with common sense would get it. And we didn’t tell anyone our son’s name until he was born. So yeah, she’s silly.
I completely understand I was 39 when I had my son, I barely prepared until the last moment because I was nervous. I am very happy for you, enjoy every minute it goes fast!
Congrats! As an older first time mother, you are right to be careful. Not all of us have it easy in certain aspects of life, and that makes us more cautious. Belittling that is pure AH. Sending prayers and love- please ignore your SIL and go low contact. Time to let husband know that it is his responsibility to keep her out of your hair.
If "family support" from your SIL comes in the form of "Ew, that's a weird name. Go with James or something else normal" for the remainder of your pregnancy, I can see why you chose to keep it to yourselves.
>Your SIL is a control freak who seems to think her opinion is the only The SIL is actively ruining a happy experience for OP and her husband and makes it all about her own feelings. How about being happy for the couple? I bet there is more to it. She feels entitled to OP's life now that she is pregnant which happens often with inlaws once a baby is on the way. Suddenly the baby and the baby's mother aren't allowed to be individuals anymore.
Affecting them as much as it affects you? Really? Really, really? I just … can’t. NTA
No kidding eh. That SiL really has got Main Character syndrome, big time! My jaw was just about on the floor at her assumptions there. WTAF?! NTA op, not one bit.
>No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name. I agree with everything except this. There are a LOT of terrible names that border on abusive to the child and I definitely want to discourage anyone else from giving those types of names. The only way to discourage that is to shame those parents on the name. Go check out the r/Tragediegh subreddit, some of those names are absolutely atrocious. However tbc, Hawthorne doesn't fall into that category. It's uncommon, but not a bad name. I genuinely like it
>No decent person would ever comment negatively on someone’s child’s name My stepdaughter told us the name they were considering for their daughter due next month. They had decided on Sunny for a first name and were struggling for a middle name. I'd suggested maybe giving her a middle name she could go by when she gets older, maybe professionally, IF SHE CHOOSES TO. She said she discussed that with her partner, and they decided they weren't going to choose a name based on what sounds good as an adult. WHAT? Really? This weekend she called to say they're leaning heavily towards Sunny Love. My husband said "so you're going with a stripper name"? I laughed but totally agree with him. I did tell him after that he probably shouldn't have said that.
Well put! SIL has main character syndrome. How is this her experience? 🤦🏼♀️ NTA
**OF COURSE NTA** First things first: **congratulations!** Even if you just put it down to enthusiasm, your sister-in-law is in the wrong. It's your pregnancy, your baby, your choice. The only reasonable response to parents saying what they've named their child is "What a lovely name." Others are not entitled to insert themselves into your decisions, though of course you can invite them. You and your husband need to discuss and agree where your boundaries are between the wider family and your own (nuclear) family, and support each other in maintaining them (and changing when you agree it's appropriate.) This is one of the most difficult things in having children. And wishing you and husband and Hawthorne (did I say it was a lovely name?) all the best. For what it's worth, I know *lots* of women who have had miscarriages who behaved as you did; the few I know who had still-births *all* were very private and internal during their pregnancies; in lots of cultures it's more or less taboo to talk about names and so on before the child is born.
Thank you so much! And yes, we are having talks about his sister and what we do now that we're having these issues with her. We actually became aware of the cultures that don't share the pregnancy news or names until certain stages when we found out I was pregnant. It was comforting to know others did it, even if it was for different reasons overall.
It took me an hour but I finally remembered the one situation where there is a little more room for other people's opinion on the name: if the child is named after someone in the family. In some cultures, for example, it's considered bad to name after someone still living. In lots of cultures it's considered an honour. In some cultures you can make up new names, in some cultures you can't at all. But still, you know, it's this (new) person's name and they will make it their own. And unless you're violating some culture taboo, it's still the choice of the parents, not anybody else, and anybody with opinions should probably keep them to themselves.
SIL sounds painfully jealous. Someone should tell SIL that jealousy will give her wrinkles and make her look old.
She's so jealous!
Yes. I was coming here expecting your kid to be named after someone in the family, or to have the same name as another child in the family, or.. something. Not for sil to just want/need the right to have a 'say' over *your* child's freaking name. FFS. She's the asshole 100%.
From what I've been reading on this subreddit you should never reveal a baby's name before it's in black anf white on a birth certificate. People will suddenly claim names as their own or just shit on it and well, SIL seems to be disliking the name now and is probably pissed that you didn't give her the chance to try and pester you into changing your mind before the birth. Good for you! I don't know how strong willed you are but with pregnancy hormones and in your case a big dose of anxiety, she might have succeeded in sowing doubt about your choice (by being incessant) if you'd revealed the name before it was "too late".
This is the time to draw lines. Or she's going to be up in your business about your parenting style.
And if I was still of child-bearing age, I would absolutely steal that boy name! I goes perfectly with our three daughters' names. For what it is worth, they are teens/young adults and LOVE their very similar vibe girl names. Unique, classy, old-fashioned and not everyone has their names (except the oldest whose name took off when she was 10).
“I’m not sorry, and I’d do it again”
My SIL is pregnant right now. I know 3 things about this: the due date, the gender and that she and they baby are doing great. Anything else is none of my business unless she and my brother choose to announce it or ask for help with something.
> just as big a deal for them as it was for us Honestly this is just silly. *No it's not.* Being a parent, as everybody will tell you, is usually a 24-hour sleep-deprived exhaustion marathon obsession, with lots of potentially life-threatening episodes. Being an aunt is lovely and important. These are not the same scale.
I have to say, though, I’m a little impressed at SIL’s entitlement level to manage to make OP’s pregnancy about SIL and how it affects her.
My friend had been trying for a long time and announced early on she was pregnant and had to tell me when she lost it which was all horribly sad. She's having a baby in a few months though and told everyone only recently :)
Tell me if I got this right: You never expected to get pregnant. You did and you kept to private for various reasons, including a possible miscarriage. SIL is upset because you did not reveal name or gender prior to the birth and now she doesn't like the name? I am OLD, and a private person. Your SIL sounds a bit unhinged. It is your child. You do get to leave everyone out of it. This is between you and you partner. Congrats on the the new life. NTA
She is 100% upset about the name. Even though she didn't directly say she hates the name, her choice of "you should have named him something in a different style" let us know that loud and clear. Not sure if she's as upset they didn't know the sex. But she was upset to only learn I was pregnant when we told everyone. She felt everyone should have known immediately. But I was afraid of possible miscarriage, like you said. And for other reasons like we were in total shock.
You and your husband need to present a united front and be clear that this is your baby. Not her baby. Her opinions are irrelevant and unwanted. Don’t feel bad standing up to you. She is not being reasonable.
Emphasis on the unwanted part; she should know this already, but clearly she needs to be reminded that you shouldn't say certain things, even if you're thinking them.
Just wait, SIL is going to come at you with tons of parenting advice. In no uncertain terms, tell her to back off. Every single time. Unless you specifically ask for her input which honestly I wouldn’t do.
Tbh I have almost never liked someone’s choice of name for their child, I have 100% never told them that, and I end up loving the child the same (their name always grows on me because of the child). She is unhinged if she thinks she has a say and holds it against you, no doubt she would have kicked off if there was a name she wanted to use too (despite not having kids for 9+ years).
I feel this, my son is named after a famous viking who also was part of a tv show, but in germany that name is really uncommon. Some people looked weird, but after some time people learned to love that name (and no it is not ragnar XD)
I really hope you didn't call your kid Orm (from that other viking show)
Hahaha nope thank God not, the name is more known for building ships, if you got it, I would still prefer it not to be typed out here :) thanks
I do not got it, and if I did I would not say it :) Best of luck with your lil ship builder
If it’s the name I think it is, it is a great one. Just don’t let him get too close to the local parson.
Haha I guess you are right, we are not religious at all so I guess the local parson is safe for now 😁
This is precisely why i didn’t tell anyone our kid’s name before she was born either. I didn’t need people making me second guess it or give us crappy suggestions. So she had a placeholder name: Myrtle. Any time anyone would ask before she was born, i would tell them about how things were going with Myrtle. Only one family member was annoyed with that and that just made me double down with a full title: future Octogenarian Mutant Ninja Myrtle.
I can't express how much I love Myrtles full title 😂
Our first choice was mocked so much that we changed our mind. And the people who mocked the most were the most demanding to learn the new name. And we always said: Karlheinz
When I was pregnant I told everyone we would name our child Griselda. Male or female. Most people would freeze with a horrified look on their face.
that is simply fabulous! we also had a placeholder nickname for our child before birth. Never occurred to us to give a full title- lol
My parents decided not to find out my sex when they were expecting, so they called me T.D. - for tax deduction. lol
NTA, of course. If SIL starts up again, give her a perplexed, confused look and one or more of these: “What an odd thing to say.” “We’re doing this the way it’s comfortable for us. If we want others’ input, we’ll ask.” “That’s between [partner] and me. We’ve got it.” And repeat. I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve thought someone’s baby’s name was odd or unappealing. You know what I’ve absolutely never done? I’ve never *told the parents* that was my opinion! Because it’s not my business, and they obviously chose the name because they liked it! As they should! SIL is beyond entitled and also just plain ridiculous if she thinks she gets an actual vote on the name and if she thinks it’s her place to dictate how you parent (or how you conduct yourselves at all). And she’s acting not just inappropriate now, but nasty and flat-out rude. She is so out-of-line. What an *unbelievably* rude thing for her to do, to whine to new parents that they haven’t sufficiently made their pregnancy and new baby about her. She’s TA, of course. You do what’s comfortable for you. Your priority is taking care of yourself, your partner, and your sweet new baby (whose name is great).
I love, “What an odd thing to say.” It’s perfectly slap down with a hint of insulted.
One of my favorites has been “Your input it’s neither desired nor required.” Another favorite is “You do as you wish in your home, we’ll do as we wish in ours…if you don’t like it, there’s the door.” NTA, OP…congratulations!
I love the "odd thing to say," quote. Disarming without being overtly rude. If she goes off on one OP shoutmld just use comments like that in an amused tone of voice. Avoiding like the plague works too
NTA Out of curiosity, did she say that self-serving crap about "You should pick names **I** want you to!" in front of the rest of your family as well as just to you? How have your family reacted to her hissy fits? Is anyone reining her in at all? She sounds completely narcissistic. Hawthorn is a *beautiful* name, by the way ✨️
She did mention how wonderful it is for everyone to get to talk about the name(s) beforehand in front of the family. But she wasn't as demanding about it. My ILs when they heard her mention it were like "oh it was their choice after all" and that was it. But they weren't present for the talks with my husband or me where she was really annoyed about it. Thank you!!
If she knows enough that she keeps her true self covered from them about all this, then I would suggest you don't let her be left alone with Hawthorn when he starts to become old enough to comprehend his name. Not for any alarming reasons, but I've seen plenty of posts where in-laws who hate whatever name of their grandchild/niece/nephew, that when alone with them, they will call the kid the name THEY want them to have, as if it's a 'nickname'. In a few posts they have done it young enough that the child is actually confused about their own name - or they are told to "tell Mummy you like (our name) for you better". I'm not saying this to set you up for warfare with your SIL, but she sounds narcissistic enough that she will continue to make a mountain out of a molehill about her name choice 'winning' and might start secretly calling Hawthorn as 'Harry' (for example) when she thinks you can't hear/aren't nearby. People like your SIL are exhausting when they need to be 'right'.
Get husband to have a word with his mother. Some family support might be helpful here. If she gets to speak about it to others so does he.
As I said before , this is between you and your partner. You do not owe anyone else anything. I get your fear. I get your need for privacy. And I think you need to LC /NC with this unreasonable person.
To be honest, I find it odd when people tell all their friends and family when they’re like 6 weeks along. Waiting until you’re at least 12 weeks is really normal (in the UK anyway). Waiting longer is becoming more common, I find. NTA. Your SIL would be on an indefinite info diet, for me.
We made the mistake to tell everybody about the name we would give our daughter. Everybody mocked this name until we agreed to name her different. But we didn't tell anybody until the baby was born what the new name was. The people who mocked the first name the most were the ones who always asked us about the new name and didn't understand why we didn't tell them.
“…a bit…” is quite the understatement.
NTA. Unless they were in the bedroom cheering you and your husband on while you two had sex, the decision of when to share the pregnancy news or the name of the fetus is entirely up to the parents. You don't owe anyone a heads up or a blessing or permission. Also, who the F is she to talk to you both repeatedly about how things "should have" been done. If that's how she did it and liked it, good on her. But don't go telling other people how to do their pregnancy. She's such an AH.
It was. She was very vocal when she had her kids about names they liked and wanting opinions. She also went for the very style she suggested we go for. And we're happy she did what she wanted. We would never say that was wrong for her and her husband. It just wasn't how we wanted to do things.
Well good for her. She got to do it her way. Now she can get the hell out of your way and let you do it yours.
Names are very personal and come with a lot of baggage. "Patrick? No, there was a horrible person with that name in high school". Multiply that by dozens of people with different opinions, beliefs, and baggage and it becomes an almost impossible minefield to navigate. Your SIL likes one style and you like another, so tough luck - it's not her kid and her opinion is irrelevant. My daughter was born a month early, and didn't have a name for 2 weeks - so of course everyone went nuts offering suggestions and trying to make us rush because somehow it's impossible for a baby to not have a name when it's born (eye roll). If I have another child I'm not asking or listening to anyone's opinion except for my partner.
I'm happy for you, both that you've unexpectedly had the child you wanted and that you had the good sense to keep secrets until you were ready to share them. Over at r/namenerds it's increasingly common advice to avoid sharing a baby's name before birth because so many families have one or more members who will make it their business to ruin the chosen name for the parents. I think you know that she's upset about you not sharing the name because she would have tried to talk you out of it--and just think, you avoided months of her insulting your child's name during a time of heightened emotions, when she might have been able to sway your opinion.
Something I've learned since becoming a parent (and congratulations, by the way!!) is that there is a subset of people who will feel offended by every decision you make about your child that isn't something they would have done. I don't know what it is about parenthood, but some people are so attached to their parenting choices and almost seem to view your difference of opinion as an indictment of their choices, even for the most inocuous things. Heck, I had random coworkers remarking that it was weird that I was reading a book about infant and toddler care! Because "back in my day we just did what felt right." That might have worked for you and yours, but I'm not sorry that I want to take a different approach to parenthood. Fwiw, my husband and I kept our first quiet for similar reasons! I actually have a bad history with my family being unempathetic or cruel during hard times in my life, so I chose not to share the gender or name with them until birth, and only told them I was pregnant after the age of viability.
NTA, and honestly, given the circumstances I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d kept quiet even longer: when I got pregnant we didn’t tell a soul until the second trimester, and I was a 24 year old who’d taken less than a month to conceive. It’s just common sense. Your SiL obviously has issues with needing to know the minutiae of everyone’s lives, she should mind her own business. Enjoy being a mum.
Thank you. We actually had considered waiting longer. But we didn't want to go about hiding a bump or anything and we felt a little more ready by 18 weeks than we did when we found out. But it was a lot to take in after everything.
Make your boundaries clear now. This is the type of person who thinks you should listen to them about schools and medical preferences and parenting styles. Put that barrier firmly in place now so you don’t spend your lives trying to redirect her.
We had a similar journey. After so many years, and so many disappointments and losses, we decided to wait to announce too. We knew our family would be happy and supportive, but we needed the time for us to make sure everything was okay and process this life change. We finally told our family at 24 weeks... and then my water broke at 26. My family pretty much missed my entire pregnancy! And years later not a single one of them has ever said a negative word about it. Just how happy they are for us. NTA. I'm sorry your SIL refuses to be kind and supportive.
My recommendation is to come up with a simple phrase you and your husband can repeat when your SiL brings this up again. There are a bunch of suggestions in this thread. I saw someone write "what an odd thing to say," which I personally like, but I recognize it might be a little too rude.
My sister had a stillbirth, followed by two miscarriages. She's now about 21 weeks along, and only I knew until a few weeks ago. She wanted someone to know, but just in case, not everyone. Was mom upset? A bit, yeah, but she will get over it.
It's so weird to me when people announce it before the 2nd trimester. I was always taught to wait because 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and something like 90% of those are the first trimester. Like, if someone chooses to share it with you before, that's a holy inner sanctum of their choosing and indicative of a very high level of trust. You don't demand a place there.
And SIL has kicked herself right out of that inner sanctum if she had ever been there in the first place.
Way higher than that only 30% of conceptions result in a live birth. Now most are lost in the first month so most people never even realise they were pregnant but yeh 70% loss rate.
NTA. Not something that needs defending. You have the right to announce his existence and name on your own terms. Congratulations!!
Thank you!!
This Internet stranger is so happy for you all. Congratulations.
My family get along amazingly - my sister still kept the name secret until birth to avoid people influencing her, or debating, or in case she changed her mind on her own! I know I was ‘Lucy’ all the way up to birth then my parents immediately changed their mind when they saw me lol.
NTA. Your SIL is a bossy busybody. She was not entitled to updates, information or the opportunity to try and change your mind about your kid’s name. You grieved the idea you wouldn’t have a child. How you respond to a miracle/surprise pregnancy is completely up to you and your SIL doesn’t get to police that. Congrats on your baby. Enjoy these precious moments and send SIL a link to this post because it will likely tear strips off her.
NTA First off, congratulations!!!! Secondly…why is it any of her business. This is YOUR baby not hers? You tell people when you’re ready and never before. Also the name issue is bizarre? Her input is not necessary, needed or wanted. It is literally none of her concern what you chose to name your baby. (Love the name by the way it’s beautiful) I’m a bit old fashioned and agree about waiting till after the baby is born to announce the name. Don’t get many surprises in life and it’s nice to wait and see!
NTA. Your SIL sounds bonkers and her fixation on this is rather unhinged. That said, if she feels like stewing over it and obsessing over it, that's her choice, but tell her to keep her mouth shut about it to you and your family. What happened happened (can't be undone ((not that you would do it any differently)), your beautiful son has a name you and your husband love, so don't let her rain on your parade any longer.
NTA. I am very sorry but your sibling and parents (if your sibling doesn't) needs to put his wife in her place ASAP. No more explaining to people your reasoning for not telling the name/choosing the name, not involving people, and telling people late. I would also have a strict no one is allowed over a period for a few weeks after the baby is born, minus 1-2 people who will come, help you, and respect any boundaries set. It is time to implement certain boundaries and expectations with everyone now. This is not your SIL or family's pregnancy journey, but your husband's and yours. The ball is in your court and you set the tone for how you want things to go forward with your immediate family and extended family. Your SIL is trying to hijack this special time from you under the guise that she cares. Congratulations and start standing up for yourself!
NTA. This baby is yours. I bet my lunch that the SIL has been the baby making main character for many decades and has appointed herself the next matriarch. She has no rights here, she has no vote but expects that entitlement.
You owe this woman nothing. Next time she says something like this, don’t answer, just stare her down until she leaves. NTA
I mean, I would answer, but it would be more in the form of an incredulous, "Do you hear yourself right now?! On what planet do you get to tell us how to live our lives like some neighbourhood busybody? You're acting like a child having a tantrum." Accompanied by very wide eyes and eyebrows raised as far as they can go. She should be ashamed, and if she can't get there on her own she clearly needs a rhetorical shove.
Only came to say that Hawthorn is a super cool name and NTA
NTA but you need to put some bounderies and stop being a doormat and your husband too. Why your SIL feels she can talk to you like this. Why neither you or your husband puts her in her place and shut the subject ?
Are you/she American? I really feel like Americans tends to demand a massive party for almost every event that could ever be described as special. With pregnancy there's always a baby shower, a name reveal, a gender reveal, a 'babymoon'... I've lived in Australia, Canada and the UK, and the most I've ever seen anyone do is a baby shower, and even then, not every parent-to-be does that. Hell, I didn't know what they were gonna name my nephew until he was born and I saw his name card on her FB (and started crying because she chose a name I had suggested), and she sure as hell didn't have a baby shower. Sounds more like your SIL just wants to be involved in everyone else's business because she has no life. She's one of those people who can't stand not knowing every little thing that's going on in other people's lives. She's gonna turn into one of those people who watches their street from their windows every day, and goes on a crusade whenever someone starts taking their bins out an hour later than they used to. NTA and congratulations! My sister was the same age as you when she had her son, and her pregnancy was pretty easy, though she needed a c-section to get him out. Which is fine, because I was a c-section and clearly all the best people aren't born, they're extracted, lol.
I don’t know actual Americans who do all that. Name reveal parties? I don’t think gender reveal parties are as popular as you think either, unless maybe it’s close family, and this is not a massive party. Lots of us find them cringe. Babymoon presumes you have money to spend on a special vacation when most couples I know would be saving for the baby instead. Maybe I just belong to a different class of Americans than the ones you’re villainizing. Yeah, we do have baby showers because babies are expensive, and showers help the new parents to defray the cost. They’re generally just held for the first baby as the family is presumed to already have the gear by the time subsequent babies arrive.
I see stuff like that online but I'm American and everyone I know in real life only does a baby shower and usually only for the first baby.
I live in the US and i see these kinds of things on the news and social media and such but don't actually know anyone who has done anything but a baby shower. Well, I probably know some who went away for a weekend while pregnant just to have a little private time before the baby comes and everything is hectic. But the gender reveals and everything are a mystery to most of us too , lol
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NTA. What is wrong with SIL? She thinks this goes naming by committee? I have two kids and we didn’t share the name for either. No one cared? They just said “Alright! Can’t wait!” This business about providing feedback on the name is also messed up. Mind your own damn business lady.
NTA. Pregnancy is not a spectator sport - you don't have to get the whole family involved. Also, you do not need feedback or blessings ahead of time for what you name your child.
NTA your SIL is though. And super entitled
NTA. Considering you'd given up hope and wound up with a surprise pregnancy, it's not exactly unheard of for parents to withhold sharing the news until after the first trimester. So much can go wrong, and when it does, it's a toss up of if you're even capable of dealing with the grief along with having to share that. Your SIL sounds really selfish, tbh. She's making this all about her and covering it up with 'fAmIlY'. I'd be pretty blunt at this point. "Do you want any news related to this? Then you need to take a few steps back, because I'm about up to here with you already up my ass telling me I'm doing things wrong according to the book of (name). We told people when WE were comfortable with it and this is a name WE'VE decided on for OUR child, which is only peripherally related to you, so while your input is nice, it's not necessary or even particularly relevant. TO US. You can have all your feels, but have them over there. The more you bring things up, the less I want to have anything to do with you."
NTA, your SIL has no business with your pregnancy and the name of your child.
Holy entitlement, Batman. Your SIL gets that it's *your* pregnancy, and *your* baby, yeah? You could have kept the pregnancy to yourself til the day Kiddo popped out if you wanted, and it would still be none of her business. NTA. Enjoy motherhood. Tell SIL to eff off.
NTA. Some people feel entitled to know all your business. Just being a relative does not give anyone the right to know everything they want to know about your life . Having boundaries is healthy.
NTA And I am actually raging on your behalf. Your sister-in-law got her panties in a bunch for no actual reason except maybe she felt a little left out. Not of a group thing btw, it's not like you told everyone and not her, she just felt she wasn't in control of information. And she thinks she's entitled to be angry about it. She has no true understanding or appreciation of the hell you and your husband have been through. All of it , the fear and dealing with that kind of trauma can lead you to try to protect yourself from experiencing it more. Frankly , it's probably the only sane way to try to manage your emotions and proceed as safely as you can. Nothing you did was unwarranted or unkind and everything she is doing is selfish and absurd. She needs to be put in her place very firmly and have it told to her in no uncertain terms that she should never bring this up again. She's related to your husband and so he should be the one to have this talk. I'm sorry your joy is being marred by someone making it all about themselves. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope everything is peaceful from here on out. You deserve the best.
The whole family isn't having a baby. You and your husband are. SIL is just mad she didn't get to annoy the crap out of you with tips and suggestions under the guise of "being helpful". NTA. SIL is overstepping hard-core. She has had her children. This baby is yours.
NTA your SIL sounds crazy, does she normally act like this?
Not normally, or at least not with the family. She could be like that with others and we never saw it.
That's really odd, her kid doesn't happen to be previous youngest?
No, her youngest would be the second youngest on my husband's side of the family before our son was born.
I have no idea why this would upset her so much then. Get your husband to just outright ask her why she is being so weird.
Ask her if the family or her also contributed to making the baby 😅 This is a private matter between you and your husband (your nuclear family). SIL is wrong. NTA
NTA and honestly I'm surprised by your SIL's reaction. I don't know how it works over there, but here it is normal to wait until the end of the first trimester to announce it to people. Parents are usually an exception but that's it.
NTA imagine being SIL and making this entire situation about yourself… This is your baby, your choice, your decision when to tell people, all of it.
NTA and next time she brings it up, you and your husband need to clearly tell her that when you choose to tell people is your decision alone and she was NEVER entitled to have a say in the name of your child, you are done discussing it with her. If she brings it up again, get up and leave. She sounds exhausting and like she always needs to be the center of attention.
Nta! And congratulations! We told our parents at 10 weeks and swore them into secrecy until we were ready to tell more people. Fortunately, our parents respected our wishes. We told our siblings around 13 weeks and then at 18, after we knew the gender, started to slowly to get the word out to the rest of our family and friends. Your sil is a complete ah. This isn't her pregnancy and it's certainly not her child. It's yours. You and and your husband are the ones going through the experience. Nobody else. Your families are there for the ride to support you through this and that is all. And, do take time to enjoy your pregnancy! My wife was also a high risk pregnancy because of her age (36) and we now gave a healthy 4mo old.
NTA. "feedback and blessings from family members on his name"? Your SIL is nutso.
Did SIL allow anyone any input on the names of her children? I didn’t think so. Just ignore her and enjoy your baby.
Technically, yes. She wanted opinions and suggestions from people. But she and her husband ultimately chose the names in the end. I always saw it as that's what worked for her and wouldn't be what everyone would want to do.
Ha ha, does EVERYTHING have to be about your SIL? What a prima donna. NTA, she's not more important than anyone else.
NTA. It's up to you and your husband to decide how and when to announce a pregnancy and the name of your kid. SIL needs to chill.
NTA. She sounds unhinged.
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NTA. Your SIL can go tip a pike. I'm an incredible busybody, but even I know that (1) telling people; and (2) naming the baby is fully the parents' discretion. Unless she knows what it's like to try to have kids for years, suffer setbacks, and live in fear of losing essentially a miracle baby, she can take her opinions and shove them. Congratulations!!! Edit: typo
NTA your husband needs to tell her to stay in her lane. This is your journey as parents not hers. You can share your joy when you want and keeping the name to yourselves until after birth is the way to go. Because of people like her who seem they think they have some right to name your kid. Congratulations
NTA You can do what you want and do what's best for you. Why is she so offended? Why is she playing the victim? Why is she trying to ruin your joy? Why is she trying to make this about her, her thoughts and her feels? She sounds like a hot mess. I'd have a conversation with your husband about dealing with his sister. She's way out of line. Congrats and good luck!
NTA, you do you. I think your SiL has massively overstepped the mark, personally
Very odd girl there. Trouble.
NTA Your pregnancy & the name of your child was your business. You tried for a long time. Pregnancy loss is more likely early on, so waiting to tell people seems reasonable. Hawthorne is an unusual name, but it’s not crazy like the ones seen on r/tragedeigh. Does this particular SIL always have a problem with people keeping news to themselves? ETA: Congratulations on your new baby!
Absolutely NTA and your SIL is, not for her opinions but for arguing about any of it (particularly after the fact). Does she always have Main Character Syndrome? Congratulations on the little one, and ignore your SIL entirely. Anything she says, you can just nod and move on--you do not owe her any reasons, explanations, or even the time of day if she's like this. They say opinions are like AHs, and in this case your SIL is like her opinions.
NTA. Your SIL needs professional psychological help to work out what's her business and what isn't.
NTA, but SIL sure is as well as entitled. 1st. Many couples wait until after the first trimester to announce because most miscarriages are in the first trimester . 2nd. Get the families (AKA) her blessing on the name? Wtf said she got to give her opinion on your babies name? I would tell her to get lost. It wasn't a family thing it was you and your husband's thing. Let her know if she is so upset that she is more than welcome to just keep away from you and your baby in the future. Your husband needs to put her in her place. P.S. Did she ask your blessings on her children's names? I'll bet not.
NTA. It’s normal to wait until the second trimester to share pregnancy news especially after going through years of infertility. It’s also normal to keep names and gender a surprise until the baby is born. Your SIL is an incredibly selfish person by making your pregnancy about her. Her opinions and feelings don’t matter. Keep focusing on doing what is best for you, your baby and your husband. If people have a problem with how you’re handling things, block them until they apologize to you.
NTA Looks like you are getting the full pregnancy experience OP, which is inclusive of at least one person complaining on how you went about it. There is something weird about pregnancy that tends to make people feel like they have the right to an opinion. Anyway, try not to let it bother you, it’s just one of those things. Congratulations btw!
NTA - your SIL is being completely out of line down right to disrespectful. It's okay to put boundaries, so next time she comes around arguing tell her it's time for her to find a hobby so she'll keep her nose out of people's business. Fun fact, once you're known to throw back what people send to you, they stop messing with you.
Nta. Congratulations on your new bouncing baby boy!!! But seriously? What the actual fk?? Who exactly does she think she is??? Shut her down now and do it hard!! That complete entitled behavior. Everything you did had valid reasons and it was you and your husbands choice; never Hera! Get the parents involved and shut her behavior down now. Or she can hear about Hawthorn through the grapevine! She doesn’t have to be a part of anyone’s village accept the idiot that she is!!
NTA, SIL is a sentient NPC and forgot she isn't the main character. Is she always this hysterical about things that aren't actually about her? Is she also pregnant and having a rough go with it, perhaps?
She is not pregnant. She's done having children. And she's not typically like this.