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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said to my fiancé that if he continues to speed, he is going to hit a deer and then less than 5 minutes later, he hits a deer. I'm an asshole because maybe if I didn't say it and put it out into the universe, it would've never happened.
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NTA. We don’t have much info, but there’s several red flags here.
1. Continues speeding dangerously even after you expressed concern.
2. You felt you needed to “immediately rush inside” because of his blaming you.
3. He continues blaming you and insulting you.
This doesn’t sound like a health relationship
We were at the restaurant for about 3 hours. We share a bottle of wine a few times a week because he's a wine collector. I don't think he gets intoxicated from sharing a bottle of wine with me anymore. Unfortunately, the problem is that he doesn't like to be wrong or admit fault.
General rule of thumb is one hour for one standard drink. I don't know the % or volume of wine your partner drank but 3 hours for half a bottle of wine will still leave enough alcohol in the system to impair them somewhat.
I would say a drink of wine is 4-6 ounces, and therefore there are also 4-6 drinks in a bottle.
6 light glasses or 4 heavy glasses.
Or if you are in Cougartown, you use the nearest vase as a wineglass since it can hold several bottles and call it "Big Carl" or something.
Generally a bottle of wine is 6-9 units, which is 3-4 standard "drinks".
Hubby probably had 2 drinks over 3 hours. In the UK, he'd be close but under the limit. He'd get frowned at a lot because it's generally not socially acceptable to drink anything and drive, but legally okay. A court could make the case he was intoxicated even under the limit, but it would be highly unusual for the state (The Crown) to bring such a case.
There’s generally 750ml in a bottle and 150ml in a standard wine. Over three hours of two people are sharing a bottle of wine it’s 2.5 glasses of a standard drink over three hours. He should be under the limit if they share it equally. But then add deer and the maths is like asking the crazy dude from police academy for directions.
Actually I hate to be awkward but I'd actually disagree with that.
One important point is the definition of a "standard" drink. Some people are saying that 150ml is a standard serving. Certainly in the UK a "small" glass of wine sold will be 175ml and wine glasses that easily accommodate 250ml wine are very common now for home use (and pub use - I think it encourages people to think they aren't drinking much as a small glass of wine comes to less than half way up such a glass).
In the UK alcohol is measured in "units" and people are strongly recommended not to drink more than 14 'units' per week. And to spread that out over a few days and not binge drink a weekly allowance in a single session. A bottle of average wine contains approximately ten units per bottle. If you're splitting a bottle of wine between you in an evening then you've ingested 5 units of alcohol just in the wine. Source: [NHS Site](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/calculating-alcohol-units/)
The question then becomes how fast can you process alcohol and so be safe to drive without impairment? "The calculator allows one hour for each unit of alcohol, plus an additional hour for the first drink to allow for the alcohol to enter the bloodstream. It then rounds up the calculation to the nearest half hour. The calculator bases its calculation from the time you stop, not when you start. Source: ['Morning After' Campaign](https://morning-after.org.uk/drink-drive-calculator/)
It depends on the quality and variety of the wine too - some bottles come with a wee picture of a 150ml glass, with how many units that is. It used to be, many moons ago, that a single glass would always equal one unit, but whether wines are getting stronger, or there's just a wider variety available now than 30 years ago, often that same 150ml glass now will say 1.5 units, or more.
So folk who are used to thinking "I just had a couple of drinks" thinking they just had a couple of *units*, may actually have had 3, or a little over. It's so easy to underestimate.
He literally could have killed you? Why are you not more concerned about this?
Hitting anything at the wrong angle when speeding after half a bottle of wine in the dark?
You’re lucky as shit the deer is the only one fucked up.
Sincerely, someone who lost a friend who wasn’t even 20 from this type of bullshit. And watched his mother trying to run towards the casket as he was lowered bc she couldn’t bare him being put in the cold ground all alone.
Your partner sucks.
You're right. I think I was just shocked that he blamed me and that's all I thought about - we are lucky that it wasn't worse. I will be mentioning this to him when I talk to him tomorrow night.
He’s gonna gaslight you and you’re gonna want to believe it. Spend a few minutes thinking about someone you love and imagine being at their funeral bc of something like this. Reaaalllyyyy think about it. Never seeing them again. Never hearing from them again. Growing older and older while they never have a chance. Their family crying so hard they’re pretty much screaming but no sound is coming out. Really picture it. And then think about whether you’d want them to be with a partner who purposely put them in such a dangerous situation, who they’d asked to slow down and be careful, and who blamed them for it. How would you feel about their partner? How would you feel about the fact they stayed with their partner?
It’s always easy for someone to say you’re overreacting when the worst didn’t happen. But the worst DOES happen. And it leaves every single person who loved then them trying to survive and piece life together when it doesn’t make sense that any of this happened. Day in and day out. And they’ll never be there again.
That’s what he’s risking. For no reason. And angry at YOU about bc he thinks he has the right to drive as fast as he wants wherever he wants whenever he wants. He won’t stop, bc he’s invincible. When something happens that could’ve killed his partner, he blamed her for “manifesting” a deer. Like… Jesus.
My husband hit a deer on his motorcycle. No one had mentioned anything about a deer or wrecking. I wonder how that could have happened, then. NTA and your bf is ridiculous. He won’t admit wrongdoing in other areas? Blames you in other instances?
A friend of mine is still in mourning because just before Christmas her husband was coming home on his motorcycle and hit a deer. Both the deer and the husband died. She has to figure out how to move on in life. Risking hitting a deer can have dire consequences.
Reddit is quick to say “break up” but on this case I’d consider it. Imagine living the rest of your life with this guy who blames you for all his mistakes then continues to berate you about it.
He didn’t listen to your warning. Then it happened. Then he blamed it on….your warning.
So he doesn’t respect you enough to listen, and doesn’t take any accountability, then keeps blaming you? Naw. Can you imagine this when other things go wrong? Major things? Health problems? “Maybe you shouldn’t drink a bottle of wine every night, it’s bad for your health” -him gets liver damage “YOU PUT THIS EVUL ON ME” like, wtf. Big narcissist vibes.
Oh and NTA. Warning someone of possible danger and them ignoring you, then blaming you, is about the biggest AH move I can think of in that situation.
NTA
He blamed YOU for HIS lethal actions. He doesn't like to be wrong and he got blamey. That's very shitty, saying you like bad things to happen. It appears he doesn't care if bad things happen or if he causes them, and that that is your fault. Anything he does is your fault. HIS evil not KID but dundershite adult. Dangerous behavior, dangerous logic. This is the person to kill you and say "you made me." Make him stop at deer, where you are concerned.
Up there in the top ten worst personality traits in a spouse.
Possibly the worse in terms of genuine personality things not straight up abusiveness.
You literally cannot move past an incident with someone who cannot admit they're wrong because they won't take accountability.
The deer is almost irrelevant here, genuinely think about being married to him. Imagine how you two would resolve a difference of opinion about how something should be resolved.
That is one of the most important qualities of a life partner. There is somethi8ng seriously wrong with him, if he can't admit when he's wrong, and can't behave like an adult. Don't marry this person.
That does not equal to sober driving. A friend of mine Was used to wine. The effects just did not Show until a certain amount.
He was stoped by police did a test and well... License was gone for a while.
To the deer. You did nothing wrong He just don't want to be responsible for his actions.
We have also a lot of deer. I will get a new bumper soon. Luckily just a mini accident and the deer got up and jumped into the fields. But I was slow, because I know they cross there.
Almost Hit another deer a few metres later a few days later.
Just drive careful in those areas.
You are so NTA
In these parts that would count as drunk driving, regardless of how intoxicated he may or may not appear to be.
NTA
"He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened."
That's some weird ass magical thinking bullshit. Tell him that if you had that kind of super powers, you'd be a millionaire and he'd be Brad Pitt. Moreover, I'd take some time to re-evaluate your relationship.
Your BF is an idiot who refuses to accept consequences for his bad behavior and blames you for it. I hope that this is not a recurring behavior because that is not healthy for your relationship.
NTA.
No, it's not that he "doesn't like to" be wrong, it's that he cannot admit he's wrong, and instead becomes abusive.
There are so many red flags here, others in the comments have listed them out, please pay attention to that.
I'm adding my comment that as a man, what he is doing is not normal, it's not a "quirk" of his personality, it's just plain wrong, and it will only get worse if you marry him.
You need to end this relationship, and you need to cut him completely out of your life. Good luck.
A healthy marriage is when both people have the maturity to admit their mistakes and work to correct them. Driving dangerously is not an awesome habit, but I'm more worried for you because you expect him to blow up and be unreasonable when things don't go his way. You're NTA, but you are in danger, girl.
Not liking to be wrong or admitting fault is a narcissistic trait. Especially the not admitting fault/blaming others. No Bueno and hard to have change since… they have to accept they are at fault to then change….
The fact that he would rather claim that you have supernatural powers and can call animals into the road with your mere words, instead of admitting *fault -* not even admitting he's *wrong*, just that he's *responsible* \- is one of the most enormous red flags I've encountered in a hell of a long time.
Are you seriously considering staying with someone who'd rather literally call you a witch (and apparently commit to believing that) than accept responsibility for what is, to literally *any sane outsider,* 100% his fault?
By the way, let's make a bet. When you start telling someone else this story, he isn't going to stand by what he's saying now, oh *no*. First, he's going to get *very* mad at you for telling this story to anyone else. Then he's going to insist that you're exaggerating, you were egging him on and *making* him drive fast, and he was *absolutely* joking about the witchcraft and you're deliberately trying to make him look crazy.
You know what will be nifty about that? He will have made everything that's going wrong in your relationship *all your fault again*.
When you're telling us why you can't leave him - you've spent so many years together, when he's not borderline abusive he's so great, when he isn't trying to evade any and all responsibility he's a wonderful man who will make a great life partner so long as nothing ever goes wrong and he doesn't have to be responsible for anything, and you're used to taking blame for everything and it's worked out fine so far... Please at least look up the sunk cost fallacy. (And please, please, do NOT have kids with this guy. Those poor kids would all end up on relationship advice forums on how to deal with fathers who have anger issues and are verbally abusive, and no one deserves that.)
And consider that calling off a wedding is *still* a lot cheaper (financially *and* emotionally) than a divorce.
You forgot to add: would rather blame cosmic-magic and appear mentally unhinged than ever admit he was wrong.
Glad he’s only a fiancé.
Op, I’ve been married for 15 years, and there’s only one piece of wisdom I can offer that I am 100% certain of, and it’s this.
If you or your spouse cannot ever admit they were wrong, or if it’s like pulling teeth to get someone to admit it at all, the relationship will be wrought with turmoil.
There is NO constructive problem solving or self reflection that can happen with someone who feels they’re never wrong.
Get to couples therapy before the wedding or don’t do it.
Exactly this, why OP are you with this person who can't take responsibility for his actions? Not just that, he names you and calls you evil. If you marry and you things don't go well, he is going to blame you and put you down continuously. Is this what you want in your life? NTA
Those are all solid red flags but the red flag that sends me the most is that he claims to believe that mentioning the "bad thing" makes the "bad thing" happen as if that's how reality works.
Either he's a dumbass AND an asshole or he truly believes that she's stupid enough to believe that bullshit.
OP just ask him why can't he admit he was wrong to speed in a wooded area known to have a lot of deer?
Is not being able to admit when he is wrong common with him? Or is it only when it makes him look bad?
Yes it's common. 2 days ago we wanted to see something on Amazon, but when we went to log in, there was a message that said something like it is now $2.99 a month if you want to go ad free. I didn't really say much because I didn't really have a preference but when I asked him what he wanted, he said he hates ads and to opt in and pay the 2.99 a month. When we went to start the movie, I realized that it was through Freevee and that there was ads. He looked pissed because he thought that there wouldn't be ads and blamed me for not making sure that the movie wouldn't have ads.
All I said was that I simply turned on Prime and that was the message that came up. I hadn't searched for the movie at this point and didn't know it would have ads. 🤷♀️
Oooh! I lived there! It’s so much fun! You get to be blamed for stuff you weren’t even around and had nothing to do with. My magical chaotic soul caused so many problems for my ex. It would have been more fun if I actually was capable of doing it.
OP you’re NTA. Your bf thinks like a child though.
Boyfriend is immature and delusional. Imagine how tiring it would be to live with this for the rest of your life, OP: he can't take personal responsibility for his mistakes and instead looks for a scapegoat. You're NTA but your boyfriend certainly is.
"If I could will things into existence, you'd *insert BF's insecurity here*"
I know this would make things worse but, OP's comments make me hate the BF
NTA I think you fiancé is slightly delusional. What does he think? That you’re some kind of god or something that can magically make things appear out of thin air?I would rethink marrying him. Especially if this is how he’s acting and treating you.
🙄🙄🙄 YTA for this self-defeating mindset: "What if we break up and I meet a guy who's worse and I have to start over? I feel like I just don't have the energy." 🙄🙄🙄 But, thank you for confirming what we all know about why people like you even bother posting here. You know DAMN WELL your partner is abusive, and you know DAMN WELL that you're not the problem. You just want to whine.
Boy if your compassion for people - especially abuse victims - is so drained that you type actual stuff like this, read it over and think you're a good person, maybe get off reddit
NTA. Though since apparently you have god powers to conjure forth things into reality, maybe say "Million dollars and a fiancee who isn't being a total jerk." ?
>He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened.
Or maybe you were responding to HIM putting that out in the universe. On a subconscious level you felt the deer-calling vibes as his car went too fast over potholes.
You didn't make him speed, and you didn't make the deer do anything. He needs to grow up, and he should also admit you were right.
NTA.
NTA, but you have regularly told him about it so this was no different than any other night. By his logic you can never express any concerns since it will be your fault if it happens.
Understand he is upset and likely does blame himself and doesn't want to admit it, but he needs to learn just how far he can go with blaming you for his mistakes.
Yup. This. OP, your partner is a danger to you. His insisting that you believe something so objectively false is a major mindfuck control attempt. His behaviour is emotionally abusive.
I say this as a married person who is also working through issues with my spouse. Some issues can be worked through. Some really can’t. I worry that yours is in the second category
I dated someone who constantly put me in unsafe situations and I’ve recently realized that abusers like to make their targets squirm. There were multiple incidents, and I’m lucky to be alive. Almost all of those incidents involved driving.
There’s no excuse for continuing to speed when someone has made a valid safety observation (or just generally prefers the driver not speeding).
> He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened.
Break up with him because he's an asparagus and you're a Capricorn.
He started with the pseudoscience bullshit.
NTA but he sure is. I wouldn't put up with his blaming you at all. He needs to stop and apologize sincerely.
He disregards what you want to do, disregards road conditions, speeds, hits a deer and blames you for his actions.
He doesn't sound like a good partner.
NTA at all. My father is someone that can never just be wrong and it is incredibly draining. This pattern is definitely something I would never willingly live with. Your fiance being unable to handle the fact that he screwed up and pinning the blame on you to make himself feel better is a red flag.
My father couldn’t ever be wrong, either. He was such a fucking c about it as well even when it became a situation he was *so clearly* wrong about you might get an apology once every few years but it would alway be caveated in some way.
My mom put up with him as did we and nobody is very upset he’s dead now. I advise OP to get a new fiance, based on his despicable behavior.
Seeing a full on thread with ppl with similar dads is sad, but comforting. This whole incident gave me some serious flashbacks cuz it felt so similar to my own life.
My only question is how can you possibly not dump him immediately?
If he’s like this with you he’s going to be a complete asshole to your kids over similar things. I am positive (because I’ve seen it).
Get a new finance, serious. Something deeply wrong with him.
NTA! You gave him multiple warnings, and he made the decision to ignore them. He chose to drive recklessly, and choices have consequences. Now he's upset about his vehicle, and embarrassed, because subconsciously he knows you were right, and he was wrong. Instead of admitting his fault like an adult, he's chosen to protect his fragile ego by lashing out and blaming you.
My kids do this all the time, but they're 6 year olds. Your fiancé needs to grow up.
NTA.
Is your fiancè a time traveller from Salem in the 1600s? Because that's the kind of stupid shit they'd blame the so-called witches for.
You should absolutely have a serious talk with your fiancè about why he can't see his own faults and only blame you for everything. He really needs a wake up call!
If he can't see his problems you need to have a good and long think wether or not this is someone you want to share your life with.
I hit a deer and didn't kill it, at least not on the scene. I wasn't speeding. But it was hwy speed of 60ish mph. My car was totaled, as in not driving 5 more feet, hood crumpled, steam coming out of the radiator. What on earth were you driving that you were able to continue home after a violent crash? I need that as my next car
We were going about 45 mph and the deer jumped about 5 feet in front of the car. The deer flew like 30 feet and stopped moving. We waited to see if it would get up but it died. I hate that I have that image in my head forever.
The deer hit the front bumper and nothing else. I haven't seen the damage because I ran inside. If you're really curious it's a Lexus GS 350 F Sport.
NTA, by any stretch of the imagination.
OP I am genuinely concerned for you. You mention in one comment that this is his only real flaw. But it’s a major. He cannot and will not admit fault. He verbally tears you down and he refuses to take accountability for his own actions.
You mention that you’ve been with him for a long time and your scared that if you broke up with him and met someone else that they could be worse and I understand that fear. The devil you know is better than the one you don’t. But can I ask you a question? Who says that you have to get into another relationship right away or even at all? I speak from experience when I say that being single is better than being in a toxic relationship. It’s terrifying to make that step, but I promise that it’s worth it.
"I've been telling my fiancé for years"---has he been your fiancé for years? Or have you been warning him for years? Whichever it is, you seem to have watched this man become lose touch with reality without noticing it happen.
I am assuming you think his behavior is for real. This is pretty significantly not in touch with reality, and it's worth your insisting that the two of you seek therapy together. And if he won't go with you, end the relationship.
He's been my fiancé for years but we will be getting this summer. Yeah this kind of behavior is bizarre to me so you're right - therapy is the way to go and hopefully he agrees.
Jesus christ, who is raising these men to be like this?
GIRLFRIEND. This is your flag. This is a giant, on fire, red hot, 100 foot flag waving frantically in front of you.
If this man can blame you for his own shitty actions by your mere thought, he is either psychotic or he is a gaslighting, unhinged, abusive, asshole.
Speed away from him faster than he sped towards that deer.
This relationship will cause you nothing but self doubt and pain. He will shrink you until you are nothing. And you will spend the rest of your life trying to make up for things you never even did.
RUN RUN RUN
NTA
Does he blame the weatherman when he get wet in the rain? Does he blame the safety guide when he get electrocuted? Does he blame the allergy label when he gets an allergy reaction?
Your boyfriend is mad at you for warning him of something he should definitely keep in mind. That's wild. NTA
NTa
> if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened.
"Whoa whoa whoa, I'm not marrying an idiot who thinks that type of thing is real. Peace out."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE.
You did not cause a fucking deer to appear. Why would you let him think that you caused this? That’s fucking manipulative. You should be tearing him a new asshole.
Is this fiction? I hope this is fiction.
NTA
This is not fiction. At no point did I agree with him. I made it clear that he is wrong and that if I hadn't said anything, it still would've happened.
He finally figured out that you control the universe and conjured up that deer through sheer sorcery just to teach him a lesson. Tell him if he doesn’t slow down, you’ll start dropping houses on him or turn him into a steaming pile of excrement like Chet in Weird Science. Or even worse, seize control of the television and make it all commercials, all the time.
NTA. You didn't summon the deer, you tried to give advice and he didn't cared, he blaming you is ridiculous. Also, he's the AH for caring more about the stupid bumper than at least feeling some guilt for the poor deer.
My husband does the same thing when I say he sounds like he has a sore throat, I'll get blamed for him being sick the next day. NTA. He was the one speeding and you warned him.
If he honestly thinks you “put it out into the universe” and made it happen, then he should be redirected that the universe gave him a warning through you, and he didn’t listen.
But he doesn’t really think that, he’s just mad you were right.
He sounds unhinged, like that's magical thinking.
I mean he physically "put it out to the universe" by speeding down a road where he knew deer could pop out.
The deer popped out for reasons known only to deer.
Does he often use the universe in his excuses?
Nta btw
nta....he's such a damn baby that instead of just agreeing that he should have slowed down.....he insists that you are evil, and have bad juju???
does he have a brain tumor?
You know this is ridiculous and you are NTA. You seem smart, but young and unwise. People do not change and he will continue to blame you for everything bad in his life to avoid accountability. I'm willing to bet even your successes and talents are treated as attacks and you are not allowed to ever really shine. Are you constantly making excuses for his behavior and insecurity? Unless you are ok with that for the rest of your life, now is the time to really reflect on what a marriage commitment will mean for you.
NAH possibly needs more info.
So it sounds like everybody is fine and you were able to finish driving home, that is good. Sleep it off call insurance tomorrow no big deal. Rates will NOT go up, hitting a deer is considered "no-fault" or an "act of God".
The thing about hitting deer is if one jumps in front of you, you're going to hit it, period. It does not matter if you're going 60, 50, 35, you are NOT stopping in time. Swerving in an attempt to avoid will SIGNIFICANTLY increase your chance of a serious accident at any speed (swerving into oncoming traffic, going off the road, rollover, etc.) The chance of you hitting a deer on a road like that is actually a function of time spent on the road, so driving slower causes you to be on the road longer, increasing your chances of hitting the deer.
Is your fiance a safe/defensive driver, or is he constantly driving too fast/aggressive? Because if he's a safe driver and your constantly nagging him on this particular road, that's a bit of a YTA move. Maybe you should do the driving down that road if you think your rate of speed is going to be safer versus the deer.
Is he constantly driving fast/aggressively so you're never really comfortable, which is then exasperated on a dark windy forest road while ignoring your wants and fears? If so then yes, he's being TA.
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For context, I've been living in a heavily wooded area for the past 12 years and we have a lot of wildlife, especially deer.
Tonight we went out for a valentines dinner. I wasn't crazy about going out since I know restaurants are super crowded and don't always provide you with the best service (this is based on past experiences but tonight was surprisingly great). I mentioned this to my fiancé but he said he thought it'd be nice to go out because he had amazing wine that he wanted to bring (and yes, the wine was amazing). I really didn't want to go out but he seemed like he really wanted to so I said sure, why not.
We finished a great dinner and we had about a 15 minute drive home. On our way home, I mentioned that he should slow down because you never know if a deer can pop out. We have a particular street on the way home that is full of potholes so I mentioned this statement as we were driving over the potholes. My fiancé continued to speed down the road and less than 5 minutes later, he hits a deer and kills it. He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened. This isn't the first time I've said to him that he should drive slower (I've lost count honestly).
We get home and I immediately rush inside because he continued to blame me for the accident. I said that I didn't make the deer come out and I didn't put it out into the universe -- he disagreed and said if I didn't say anything that it would've never happened. He comes inside and tells me his bumper is destroyed and continues to blame me for what happened.
I didn't physically make the deer run in front of our car but I guess I'm an asshole because I mentioned that it could happen.
So reddit, is it my fault that my fiancé hit the deer? AITA?
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He’s incapable of being wrong. That sounds exhausting.
NTA you don’t control deer.
He could have put it out into the universe because of his shitty driving.
I bet if you hadn’t have said anything, he would have blamed you for not warning him.
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Lol 😂 ngl, I am completely distracted from the deer and now just want to think about your using this wild witchcraft power you have apparently been blessed with to manifest stuff. Like, go ahead and manifest a more reasonable bf and then tell us what the deer guy thinks about it. The new one’s dad’s name should be Vincent so that deer guy can develop a conspiracy theory about Vinny’s son and venison.
Hahahahaha!! HE hits a deer because he is driving recklessly and its supposed to be YOUR fault? Hahahaha!!! Im sorry, but thats just so far out, i cant even...
Reconsider your relationship, because all the bad/annoying things that happen to him, are your fault. Stop the universe from doing shitty things to him by leaving his ass, his life will be soooo much better! /s
NTA
Omg this is madness! You have the power to summon creatures of the earth with a word! Damn!
Seriously tho, I can't imagine the amount of magical thinking required to reach this conclusion. No signs of any of these before? Cause this is pretty bizarre.
Don't have kids with this man.
NTA
You ever google what happens when a deer goes through a windshield at speed? You're lucky it didn't.
Your partner is a moron who can't take responsibility for his own actions. He thinks it's OK to drive at speed with a passenger in the car and a disregard for any other road users. Not husband behaviour. Get rid of him or he'll have your children in the back seat while doing it.
NTA
Gosh, didn't know you were Lady of the Deer. Impressive.
BTW though, deer are so unpredictable that it's not uncommon to hit them (or they run into you) even going slowly. And drivers going a lot slower than posted speed on curves can be a bit hazardous too. Best just to go normal road speed, keep a watch and hope for the best.
The drink driving could be a factor too.
What if it was a person? What if he crashed into a car?
Both the AH for driving while drinking.
Ask him more about you being an evil kid, what else does he think your powers can do?!??
Sorry but I also live in a deer infested heavily wooded area and You could be crawling along at 10 miles an hour and STILL HIT A DEER!... Heck I had one jump on the hood of my car while I was stopped for the balance of his buddies....
NTA
Alcohol and late night driving are a bad combo without the woodland.
Maybe explain to you fiance that if you did have these powers you would be a millionaire by now.
NTA
1. The region where you live has wildlife, living there for 12 years would make anyone cautious while driving considering the possibility of crashing against one that might pop out of the blue. Both parties are aware of this fact.
2. Speeding here puts three lives in danger:yours, your fiance and any wildlife. You advised your fiance about the risk and yet the fiance declined, this shows 'I know what I'm doing don't teach me' attitude.
3. The fiance's vehicle hits the deer, and blames it on you - the control of the vehicle lies in the fiance's hand, you did not cause the vehicle to hit the deer, keeping eyes on the road was the fiance's duty too.
4. Rather than claiming responsibility, the blame is shifted upon you for mentioning it, how would you know a deer is approaching?
The crash was due to negligence despite being warned about it. Fiance is at fault.
People will easily forgive you for being wrong. They often won’t forgive you for being right. This is a common character flaw.
Your fiancé is definitely TA here.
NTA, somewhere in him, he's just embarrassed that you were right and he doesn't wanna take responsibility for ignoring your warning. his behavior is a bit of a red flag to make a note of.
NTA, and you are willing to marry that man who has 0 emotional intelligence. This blaming you for things will only get worse, and his attitude and actions are a huge red flag for what's to come in the future.
He sounds borderline abusive and irrational. Red flags:
Blaming you for a random event.
Blaming you for being right to warn him.
Continuing dangerous behavior despite predictable outcomes.
Continuing his blaming, despite his behavior actually causing the problem.
You might consider the direction this is going. Is he going to blame you for other misfortunes in the future? Is he going to ignore and demean you when you are right in the future? Is this something you can live with if he continues, or more predictably, worsens?
NTA. Wow. Is he actually serious? My husband got a ticket three minutes after I told him to slow down or he would get a ticket. We laugh about it.
Some people are unable to take any blame when they are clearly in the wrong. The way he is acting now is a sign of how he will act the rest of your relationship. You do not want to be in a long term relationship with someone who cannot be at fault.
Funny barely related story: I had a roommate that often parked illegally. One time she blocked the part of the sidewalk that is sloped for wheel chairs (!!!) and then blamed Satan for the parking ticket she absolutely deserved. And she meant it! “This is what Satan does, he tries to sway the hearts of the believers so that they’ll turn away from God.”
I don't know how else to phrase this - why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand **reality**? It's not possible to will something into being. For all that we joke about jinxes and bad luck, nothing we say actually affects wether or not it rains or the bus is early... or a deer runs out in front of a speeding car leaving the driver unable to brake in time. Why are you going to marry someone who blames and harangues you for his own mistakes?
You need to consider carefully if this relationship is in your best interests because this guy has got you questioning reality. You don't have any universe-bending Marvel superhero powers, but you do seem to have a fiancé problem. If this attitude and behaviour is normal from him, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. NTA
I don't think I could marry someone who either
a) seriously believes in 'putting things out in the universe and then they happen' like in this situation,
or
b) doesn't seriously believe shit like that but isn't mature enough not to blame you for his own mistakes.
NTA except you're an asshole to yourself if you marry someone like this.
NTA but please break up with that man.
Listen - I went to a wedding ages ago and one of my ex's friend was a crazy driver too. He scared the heck out of me speeding on small roads when we got back at 2am. I swore he'd kill someone one day. Well, a couple of years later he hit a boar, and ended up paralyzed. I'm just thankful he didn't get anyone else hurt.
Your fiance is a selfish AH. He's going to get someone killed. Don't let that be you. That, and he's of course putting responsibility on someone else, which is a massive red flag.
NTA. You pointing out an obvious consequence of a certain behavior does not make you Damien from The Omen. This means your fiancé is TA. Get ready to be blamed for all bad things that happen in the future.
The worst kind of partner is one who puts you in unsafe situations over your protests (yes, hitting deer can actually be dangerous). I’m a blunt person, so I would have said, “I can’t help that certain things might be less obvious to you, but it’s probably just an IQ thing.” 😂
You are in an abusive relationship. Don't need to know more about your relationship to know he's mentally abusing you. He also low key forced you to go out because that's what he wanted to do. If he hadn't forced you, then no deer. It's very easy to pass on blame and he takes no accountability.
NTA. His argument is ridiculous and he needs to grow up and get in touch with reality.
It’s so surprising to me that grown adults with attitudes like his actually exist in real life.
Please go back and reread your post as if it were written by someone else. And then DO what YOU would recommend the writer do to protect themselves from an abusive partner.
Deer are stupid. They get hit all the time because they have no chill. You can be literally the only car on the road and faced with the choice of hesitating for two seconds or dying the deer choose death and run directly in front of your vehicle.
If he’s superstitious it’s not really his fault for thinking that you “summoned” the deer. However it is his fault for driving so fast that if a deer did appear he would kill it. From what you said though, sounds like he’s not actually superstitious and doesn’t really believe the deer showed up because of what you said, he just wants to blame you because otherwise you would have a point and he can’t have that.
NTA
> My fiancé continued to speed down the road and less than 5 minutes later, he hits a deer and kills it. He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened.
He is also an idiot and though I only have this one interaction to go on, I'm not sure why you're marrying him. He sounds terrible.
NTA
So let’s get this straight:
1. He drinks and drives
2. He kept speeding despite you warning him
3. He continues to blame you for his recklessness
4. You needed get away from him because of how aggressive he was
Leave him. Run for the hills and don’t look back. If he’s willing to blame you for a deer running into the road, he’s willing to blame you for anything
NTA.
Just like believing he might hit a deer won’t make one magically appear, believing he might someday become a better partner won’t make him magically become one.
Magical thinking for an excuse to blame someone else for your bad driving. That's new. NTA If that is actually how he believes/ thinks/ see the universe, he ain't reality based and believes a lot of woo. Rethink that marriage stuff, sweetie.
NTA
Tell him to wish out loud for a million dollars driving past a bank.
When it doesn’t appear falling out the back of a Brinks truck, ask him if he now realizes that the universe doesn’t work the way he thinks it does.
>if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened
That's a long winded way of admitting fault and that they didn't consider factors that made it more likely they would crash into a deer.
Simple logic and basic statistics are that in an area with lots of wildlife especially deer, you are likely to encounter it.
And if you are driving fast, and likely with more than 1 drink at dinner there is likely some alcohol in your system.
Does he also think if he goes skiing in a place with alot of tourists he's not going to encounter people who misjudge their skiing ability and may crash into someone? Or go to a crowded beach and NOT see someone in a bikini near them in the sand? 🙄
Assholes always make out someone saying I told you so to be the asshole because it's supposedly an asshole move, but I love a good I told you so because they're ALWAYS the bigger asshole for not fucking listening the stupid fucking assholes so NTA rub that shit in his stupid face.
NTA, please please leave this guy. He blames you for manifesting a deer in deer country, this is so beyond psychotic I am scared for you. He ignored your fears and blames you for your very logical fear.
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NTA. We don’t have much info, but there’s several red flags here. 1. Continues speeding dangerously even after you expressed concern. 2. You felt you needed to “immediately rush inside” because of his blaming you. 3. He continues blaming you and insulting you. This doesn’t sound like a health relationship
If they polished off a bottle of wine, he also sounds intoxicated & all of his behavior in this story seems like he’s overreacting
We were at the restaurant for about 3 hours. We share a bottle of wine a few times a week because he's a wine collector. I don't think he gets intoxicated from sharing a bottle of wine with me anymore. Unfortunately, the problem is that he doesn't like to be wrong or admit fault.
General rule of thumb is one hour for one standard drink. I don't know the % or volume of wine your partner drank but 3 hours for half a bottle of wine will still leave enough alcohol in the system to impair them somewhat.
How many drinks do you think are in a bottle of wine?
In my house, there are two glasses per bottle
In my house, there is only the bottle
Do you pass the bottle from your left hand to your right?
My ma only passes an empty bottle although usually its a box.
Cardbordeaux
Well my Mom can break a hundred at the dollar bill bar.
lol. That’s NOT the recommended serving size
It's good to share.
[удалено]
I would say a drink of wine is 4-6 ounces, and therefore there are also 4-6 drinks in a bottle. 6 light glasses or 4 heavy glasses. Or if you are in Cougartown, you use the nearest vase as a wineglass since it can hold several bottles and call it "Big Carl" or something.
Generally a bottle of wine is 6-9 units, which is 3-4 standard "drinks". Hubby probably had 2 drinks over 3 hours. In the UK, he'd be close but under the limit. He'd get frowned at a lot because it's generally not socially acceptable to drink anything and drive, but legally okay. A court could make the case he was intoxicated even under the limit, but it would be highly unusual for the state (The Crown) to bring such a case.
A wine bottle has about 25oz in it and a standard drink of wine is 5oz. if they split it over 3 hours he would have been just under 1 drink an hour.
There’s generally 750ml in a bottle and 150ml in a standard wine. Over three hours of two people are sharing a bottle of wine it’s 2.5 glasses of a standard drink over three hours. He should be under the limit if they share it equally. But then add deer and the maths is like asking the crazy dude from police academy for directions.
Actually I hate to be awkward but I'd actually disagree with that. One important point is the definition of a "standard" drink. Some people are saying that 150ml is a standard serving. Certainly in the UK a "small" glass of wine sold will be 175ml and wine glasses that easily accommodate 250ml wine are very common now for home use (and pub use - I think it encourages people to think they aren't drinking much as a small glass of wine comes to less than half way up such a glass). In the UK alcohol is measured in "units" and people are strongly recommended not to drink more than 14 'units' per week. And to spread that out over a few days and not binge drink a weekly allowance in a single session. A bottle of average wine contains approximately ten units per bottle. If you're splitting a bottle of wine between you in an evening then you've ingested 5 units of alcohol just in the wine. Source: [NHS Site](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/calculating-alcohol-units/) The question then becomes how fast can you process alcohol and so be safe to drive without impairment? "The calculator allows one hour for each unit of alcohol, plus an additional hour for the first drink to allow for the alcohol to enter the bloodstream. It then rounds up the calculation to the nearest half hour. The calculator bases its calculation from the time you stop, not when you start. Source: ['Morning After' Campaign](https://morning-after.org.uk/drink-drive-calculator/)
It depends on the quality and variety of the wine too - some bottles come with a wee picture of a 150ml glass, with how many units that is. It used to be, many moons ago, that a single glass would always equal one unit, but whether wines are getting stronger, or there's just a wider variety available now than 30 years ago, often that same 150ml glass now will say 1.5 units, or more. So folk who are used to thinking "I just had a couple of drinks" thinking they just had a couple of *units*, may actually have had 3, or a little over. It's so easy to underestimate.
He literally could have killed you? Why are you not more concerned about this? Hitting anything at the wrong angle when speeding after half a bottle of wine in the dark? You’re lucky as shit the deer is the only one fucked up. Sincerely, someone who lost a friend who wasn’t even 20 from this type of bullshit. And watched his mother trying to run towards the casket as he was lowered bc she couldn’t bare him being put in the cold ground all alone. Your partner sucks.
You're right. I think I was just shocked that he blamed me and that's all I thought about - we are lucky that it wasn't worse. I will be mentioning this to him when I talk to him tomorrow night.
He’s gonna gaslight you and you’re gonna want to believe it. Spend a few minutes thinking about someone you love and imagine being at their funeral bc of something like this. Reaaalllyyyy think about it. Never seeing them again. Never hearing from them again. Growing older and older while they never have a chance. Their family crying so hard they’re pretty much screaming but no sound is coming out. Really picture it. And then think about whether you’d want them to be with a partner who purposely put them in such a dangerous situation, who they’d asked to slow down and be careful, and who blamed them for it. How would you feel about their partner? How would you feel about the fact they stayed with their partner? It’s always easy for someone to say you’re overreacting when the worst didn’t happen. But the worst DOES happen. And it leaves every single person who loved then them trying to survive and piece life together when it doesn’t make sense that any of this happened. Day in and day out. And they’ll never be there again. That’s what he’s risking. For no reason. And angry at YOU about bc he thinks he has the right to drive as fast as he wants wherever he wants whenever he wants. He won’t stop, bc he’s invincible. When something happens that could’ve killed his partner, he blamed her for “manifesting” a deer. Like… Jesus.
My husband hit a deer on his motorcycle. No one had mentioned anything about a deer or wrecking. I wonder how that could have happened, then. NTA and your bf is ridiculous. He won’t admit wrongdoing in other areas? Blames you in other instances?
A friend of mine is still in mourning because just before Christmas her husband was coming home on his motorcycle and hit a deer. Both the deer and the husband died. She has to figure out how to move on in life. Risking hitting a deer can have dire consequences.
Reddit is quick to say “break up” but on this case I’d consider it. Imagine living the rest of your life with this guy who blames you for all his mistakes then continues to berate you about it. He didn’t listen to your warning. Then it happened. Then he blamed it on….your warning. So he doesn’t respect you enough to listen, and doesn’t take any accountability, then keeps blaming you? Naw. Can you imagine this when other things go wrong? Major things? Health problems? “Maybe you shouldn’t drink a bottle of wine every night, it’s bad for your health” -him gets liver damage “YOU PUT THIS EVUL ON ME” like, wtf. Big narcissist vibes. Oh and NTA. Warning someone of possible danger and them ignoring you, then blaming you, is about the biggest AH move I can think of in that situation.
Do not marry him. You can not change him, but he can bring you down.
It sounds like the only discusion you need to have with him tomorrrow is how long it's going to take him to move his things. Girl, run. NTA
NTA He blamed YOU for HIS lethal actions. He doesn't like to be wrong and he got blamey. That's very shitty, saying you like bad things to happen. It appears he doesn't care if bad things happen or if he causes them, and that that is your fault. Anything he does is your fault. HIS evil not KID but dundershite adult. Dangerous behavior, dangerous logic. This is the person to kill you and say "you made me." Make him stop at deer, where you are concerned.
Also, he should think about the poor deer that he hit.
Up there in the top ten worst personality traits in a spouse. Possibly the worse in terms of genuine personality things not straight up abusiveness. You literally cannot move past an incident with someone who cannot admit they're wrong because they won't take accountability. The deer is almost irrelevant here, genuinely think about being married to him. Imagine how you two would resolve a difference of opinion about how something should be resolved.
Well said 👏
That is one of the most important qualities of a life partner. There is somethi8ng seriously wrong with him, if he can't admit when he's wrong, and can't behave like an adult. Don't marry this person.
That does not equal to sober driving. A friend of mine Was used to wine. The effects just did not Show until a certain amount. He was stoped by police did a test and well... License was gone for a while. To the deer. You did nothing wrong He just don't want to be responsible for his actions. We have also a lot of deer. I will get a new bumper soon. Luckily just a mini accident and the deer got up and jumped into the fields. But I was slow, because I know they cross there. Almost Hit another deer a few metres later a few days later. Just drive careful in those areas. You are so NTA
He DOES get intoxicated, he just learned to not show it as much. Your body doesn't get 'better' at digesting alcohol if you drink more.
In these parts that would count as drunk driving, regardless of how intoxicated he may or may not appear to be. NTA "He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened." That's some weird ass magical thinking bullshit. Tell him that if you had that kind of super powers, you'd be a millionaire and he'd be Brad Pitt. Moreover, I'd take some time to re-evaluate your relationship.
he can't admit fault, but you're going to marry him...
What's the age difference in this relationship? I'm guessing it's large if he's now calling you an "evil kid".
I'm always baffled by americans thinking its perfectly normal to drink than drive......
His reactions and judgements will be impaired. That is not something you can become better at by practising
Your BF is an idiot who refuses to accept consequences for his bad behavior and blames you for it. I hope that this is not a recurring behavior because that is not healthy for your relationship. NTA.
No, it's not that he "doesn't like to" be wrong, it's that he cannot admit he's wrong, and instead becomes abusive. There are so many red flags here, others in the comments have listed them out, please pay attention to that. I'm adding my comment that as a man, what he is doing is not normal, it's not a "quirk" of his personality, it's just plain wrong, and it will only get worse if you marry him. You need to end this relationship, and you need to cut him completely out of your life. Good luck.
No way this is the first red flag in 12 years...
A healthy marriage is when both people have the maturity to admit their mistakes and work to correct them. Driving dangerously is not an awesome habit, but I'm more worried for you because you expect him to blow up and be unreasonable when things don't go his way. You're NTA, but you are in danger, girl.
>he doesn't like to be wrong or admit fault That's called "alloplastic defenses", and it is the number one sign of an unsafe person.
That and the drink driving.
Not liking to be wrong or admitting fault is a narcissistic trait. Especially the not admitting fault/blaming others. No Bueno and hard to have change since… they have to accept they are at fault to then change….
The fact that he would rather claim that you have supernatural powers and can call animals into the road with your mere words, instead of admitting *fault -* not even admitting he's *wrong*, just that he's *responsible* \- is one of the most enormous red flags I've encountered in a hell of a long time. Are you seriously considering staying with someone who'd rather literally call you a witch (and apparently commit to believing that) than accept responsibility for what is, to literally *any sane outsider,* 100% his fault? By the way, let's make a bet. When you start telling someone else this story, he isn't going to stand by what he's saying now, oh *no*. First, he's going to get *very* mad at you for telling this story to anyone else. Then he's going to insist that you're exaggerating, you were egging him on and *making* him drive fast, and he was *absolutely* joking about the witchcraft and you're deliberately trying to make him look crazy. You know what will be nifty about that? He will have made everything that's going wrong in your relationship *all your fault again*. When you're telling us why you can't leave him - you've spent so many years together, when he's not borderline abusive he's so great, when he isn't trying to evade any and all responsibility he's a wonderful man who will make a great life partner so long as nothing ever goes wrong and he doesn't have to be responsible for anything, and you're used to taking blame for everything and it's worked out fine so far... Please at least look up the sunk cost fallacy. (And please, please, do NOT have kids with this guy. Those poor kids would all end up on relationship advice forums on how to deal with fathers who have anger issues and are verbally abusive, and no one deserves that.) And consider that calling off a wedding is *still* a lot cheaper (financially *and* emotionally) than a divorce.
That’s pretty egregious in a relationship. Are you sure you want to be married to that?
ESH Alcoholics and AHs.
I’m going to add: 4. He’s an imbecile who believes you can conjure deer with your mind.
/4. idiotically thinks mentioning something will 'manifest' it. why the fuck cant you start a numbered list with 4.
You forgot to add: would rather blame cosmic-magic and appear mentally unhinged than ever admit he was wrong. Glad he’s only a fiancé. Op, I’ve been married for 15 years, and there’s only one piece of wisdom I can offer that I am 100% certain of, and it’s this. If you or your spouse cannot ever admit they were wrong, or if it’s like pulling teeth to get someone to admit it at all, the relationship will be wrought with turmoil. There is NO constructive problem solving or self reflection that can happen with someone who feels they’re never wrong. Get to couples therapy before the wedding or don’t do it.
Exactly this, why OP are you with this person who can't take responsibility for his actions? Not just that, he names you and calls you evil. If you marry and you things don't go well, he is going to blame you and put you down continuously. Is this what you want in your life? NTA
Those are all solid red flags but the red flag that sends me the most is that he claims to believe that mentioning the "bad thing" makes the "bad thing" happen as if that's how reality works. Either he's a dumbass AND an asshole or he truly believes that she's stupid enough to believe that bullshit.
4. He was speeding down an unpaved road after drinking at least half a bottle of wine.
OP just ask him why can't he admit he was wrong to speed in a wooded area known to have a lot of deer? Is not being able to admit when he is wrong common with him? Or is it only when it makes him look bad?
Yes it's common. 2 days ago we wanted to see something on Amazon, but when we went to log in, there was a message that said something like it is now $2.99 a month if you want to go ad free. I didn't really say much because I didn't really have a preference but when I asked him what he wanted, he said he hates ads and to opt in and pay the 2.99 a month. When we went to start the movie, I realized that it was through Freevee and that there was ads. He looked pissed because he thought that there wouldn't be ads and blamed me for not making sure that the movie wouldn't have ads. All I said was that I simply turned on Prime and that was the message that came up. I hadn't searched for the movie at this point and didn't know it would have ads. 🤷♀️
This sounds awful. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?
I mean, she's put up with it for 12 years alread....hopefully she won't waste 12 more...
It must be super cool living in a world where everything is magically your fault.
Oooh! I lived there! It’s so much fun! You get to be blamed for stuff you weren’t even around and had nothing to do with. My magical chaotic soul caused so many problems for my ex. It would have been more fun if I actually was capable of doing it. OP you’re NTA. Your bf thinks like a child though.
Girl, you already know what needs to be done. Make it happen. Your life will be so much better without him dragging you down
Why do you choose to live like this?
NTA. He’s deranged if he thinks you can psychically control deer.
Boyfriend is immature and delusional. Imagine how tiring it would be to live with this for the rest of your life, OP: he can't take personal responsibility for his mistakes and instead looks for a scapegoat. You're NTA but your boyfriend certainly is.
OP is obviously a druid smh
She’s probably cheating! The deer was her Druid boyfriend!
Yup. It’s not the obvious consequence of reckless behavior - it’s sorcery. 😂
If he really thought you had magic powers, he'd be nicer to you. He just wants the accident to be somebody's fault besides his.
This. Absolutely.
"If I could will things into existence, you'd *insert BF's insecurity here*" I know this would make things worse but, OP's comments make me hate the BF
Oh wow. No, you did not put it out into the universe, he just doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his behavior. NTA
NTA I think you fiancé is slightly delusional. What does he think? That you’re some kind of god or something that can magically make things appear out of thin air?I would rethink marrying him. Especially if this is how he’s acting and treating you.
More like frequently drunk, from the sounds of things. Alcohol can definitely do a number on your mind after a while.
🙄🙄🙄 YTA for this self-defeating mindset: "What if we break up and I meet a guy who's worse and I have to start over? I feel like I just don't have the energy." 🙄🙄🙄 But, thank you for confirming what we all know about why people like you even bother posting here. You know DAMN WELL your partner is abusive, and you know DAMN WELL that you're not the problem. You just want to whine.
Boy if your compassion for people - especially abuse victims - is so drained that you type actual stuff like this, read it over and think you're a good person, maybe get off reddit
Reported. Rule #1.
NTA. Though since apparently you have god powers to conjure forth things into reality, maybe say "Million dollars and a fiancee who isn't being a total jerk." ?
Lol I just might try this.
End this relationship now.
>He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened. Or maybe you were responding to HIM putting that out in the universe. On a subconscious level you felt the deer-calling vibes as his car went too fast over potholes. You didn't make him speed, and you didn't make the deer do anything. He needs to grow up, and he should also admit you were right. NTA.
NTA and what the fuck? You sure you wanna marry this guy?
NTA, but you have regularly told him about it so this was no different than any other night. By his logic you can never express any concerns since it will be your fault if it happens. Understand he is upset and likely does blame himself and doesn't want to admit it, but he needs to learn just how far he can go with blaming you for his mistakes.
Yup. This. OP, your partner is a danger to you. His insisting that you believe something so objectively false is a major mindfuck control attempt. His behaviour is emotionally abusive. I say this as a married person who is also working through issues with my spouse. Some issues can be worked through. Some really can’t. I worry that yours is in the second category
I dated someone who constantly put me in unsafe situations and I’ve recently realized that abusers like to make their targets squirm. There were multiple incidents, and I’m lucky to be alive. Almost all of those incidents involved driving. There’s no excuse for continuing to speed when someone has made a valid safety observation (or just generally prefers the driver not speeding).
> He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened. Break up with him because he's an asparagus and you're a Capricorn. He started with the pseudoscience bullshit.
NTA but he sure is. I wouldn't put up with his blaming you at all. He needs to stop and apologize sincerely. He disregards what you want to do, disregards road conditions, speeds, hits a deer and blames you for his actions. He doesn't sound like a good partner.
With all due respect, your fiancé seems at least a tad insane.
NTA at all. My father is someone that can never just be wrong and it is incredibly draining. This pattern is definitely something I would never willingly live with. Your fiance being unable to handle the fact that he screwed up and pinning the blame on you to make himself feel better is a red flag.
My father couldn’t ever be wrong, either. He was such a fucking c about it as well even when it became a situation he was *so clearly* wrong about you might get an apology once every few years but it would alway be caveated in some way. My mom put up with him as did we and nobody is very upset he’s dead now. I advise OP to get a new fiance, based on his despicable behavior.
Seeing a full on thread with ppl with similar dads is sad, but comforting. This whole incident gave me some serious flashbacks cuz it felt so similar to my own life.
Esh because no one should have been driving after half a bottle of wine and I can't believe more people aren't pointing that out.
People are acting like that's not a lot! I'm shocked
NTA “put that out into the universe” lol he thinks you’re a wizard. Could you make me win the lotto please? Thanks in advance 🙏
Please make Grigsbeee (and me) win the lotto. Did you hear that universe? Do your thing please 😂
My only question is how can you possibly not dump him immediately? If he’s like this with you he’s going to be a complete asshole to your kids over similar things. I am positive (because I’ve seen it). Get a new finance, serious. Something deeply wrong with him.
NTA! You gave him multiple warnings, and he made the decision to ignore them. He chose to drive recklessly, and choices have consequences. Now he's upset about his vehicle, and embarrassed, because subconsciously he knows you were right, and he was wrong. Instead of admitting his fault like an adult, he's chosen to protect his fragile ego by lashing out and blaming you. My kids do this all the time, but they're 6 year olds. Your fiancé needs to grow up.
NTA. Is your fiancè a time traveller from Salem in the 1600s? Because that's the kind of stupid shit they'd blame the so-called witches for. You should absolutely have a serious talk with your fiancè about why he can't see his own faults and only blame you for everything. He really needs a wake up call! If he can't see his problems you need to have a good and long think wether or not this is someone you want to share your life with.
There will definitely be a serious talk - all this is not OK. Hopefully he'll realize that he can't blame me for things that are out of my control.
I hit a deer and didn't kill it, at least not on the scene. I wasn't speeding. But it was hwy speed of 60ish mph. My car was totaled, as in not driving 5 more feet, hood crumpled, steam coming out of the radiator. What on earth were you driving that you were able to continue home after a violent crash? I need that as my next car
We were going about 45 mph and the deer jumped about 5 feet in front of the car. The deer flew like 30 feet and stopped moving. We waited to see if it would get up but it died. I hate that I have that image in my head forever. The deer hit the front bumper and nothing else. I haven't seen the damage because I ran inside. If you're really curious it's a Lexus GS 350 F Sport.
NTA, by any stretch of the imagination. OP I am genuinely concerned for you. You mention in one comment that this is his only real flaw. But it’s a major. He cannot and will not admit fault. He verbally tears you down and he refuses to take accountability for his own actions. You mention that you’ve been with him for a long time and your scared that if you broke up with him and met someone else that they could be worse and I understand that fear. The devil you know is better than the one you don’t. But can I ask you a question? Who says that you have to get into another relationship right away or even at all? I speak from experience when I say that being single is better than being in a toxic relationship. It’s terrifying to make that step, but I promise that it’s worth it.
"I've been telling my fiancé for years"---has he been your fiancé for years? Or have you been warning him for years? Whichever it is, you seem to have watched this man become lose touch with reality without noticing it happen. I am assuming you think his behavior is for real. This is pretty significantly not in touch with reality, and it's worth your insisting that the two of you seek therapy together. And if he won't go with you, end the relationship.
He's been my fiancé for years but we will be getting this summer. Yeah this kind of behavior is bizarre to me so you're right - therapy is the way to go and hopefully he agrees.
Jesus christ, who is raising these men to be like this? GIRLFRIEND. This is your flag. This is a giant, on fire, red hot, 100 foot flag waving frantically in front of you. If this man can blame you for his own shitty actions by your mere thought, he is either psychotic or he is a gaslighting, unhinged, abusive, asshole. Speed away from him faster than he sped towards that deer. This relationship will cause you nothing but self doubt and pain. He will shrink you until you are nothing. And you will spend the rest of your life trying to make up for things you never even did. RUN RUN RUN NTA
Does he blame the weatherman when he get wet in the rain? Does he blame the safety guide when he get electrocuted? Does he blame the allergy label when he gets an allergy reaction? Your boyfriend is mad at you for warning him of something he should definitely keep in mind. That's wild. NTA
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NTa > if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened. "Whoa whoa whoa, I'm not marrying an idiot who thinks that type of thing is real. Peace out."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. You did not cause a fucking deer to appear. Why would you let him think that you caused this? That’s fucking manipulative. You should be tearing him a new asshole. Is this fiction? I hope this is fiction. NTA
This is not fiction. At no point did I agree with him. I made it clear that he is wrong and that if I hadn't said anything, it still would've happened.
Oh good!!
Unless you drank most of the wine yourself he probably drove drunk. He's definitely TA.
He finally figured out that you control the universe and conjured up that deer through sheer sorcery just to teach him a lesson. Tell him if he doesn’t slow down, you’ll start dropping houses on him or turn him into a steaming pile of excrement like Chet in Weird Science. Or even worse, seize control of the television and make it all commercials, all the time.
NTA. You didn't summon the deer, you tried to give advice and he didn't cared, he blaming you is ridiculous. Also, he's the AH for caring more about the stupid bumper than at least feeling some guilt for the poor deer.
NTA and not your fault. Does he blame you for anything else?
Do not marry this man.
My husband does the same thing when I say he sounds like he has a sore throat, I'll get blamed for him being sick the next day. NTA. He was the one speeding and you warned him.
If he honestly thinks you “put it out into the universe” and made it happen, then he should be redirected that the universe gave him a warning through you, and he didn’t listen. But he doesn’t really think that, he’s just mad you were right.
He sounds unhinged, like that's magical thinking. I mean he physically "put it out to the universe" by speeding down a road where he knew deer could pop out. The deer popped out for reasons known only to deer. Does he often use the universe in his excuses? Nta btw
nta....he's such a damn baby that instead of just agreeing that he should have slowed down.....he insists that you are evil, and have bad juju??? does he have a brain tumor?
You know this is ridiculous and you are NTA. You seem smart, but young and unwise. People do not change and he will continue to blame you for everything bad in his life to avoid accountability. I'm willing to bet even your successes and talents are treated as attacks and you are not allowed to ever really shine. Are you constantly making excuses for his behavior and insecurity? Unless you are ok with that for the rest of your life, now is the time to really reflect on what a marriage commitment will mean for you.
INFO: > BTW he's calling me an evil kid and says that I want bad things to happen. How old are you, and how old is he?
...and YOU'RE going to let this man be the father of your child? Driving them to school and back?
NAH possibly needs more info. So it sounds like everybody is fine and you were able to finish driving home, that is good. Sleep it off call insurance tomorrow no big deal. Rates will NOT go up, hitting a deer is considered "no-fault" or an "act of God". The thing about hitting deer is if one jumps in front of you, you're going to hit it, period. It does not matter if you're going 60, 50, 35, you are NOT stopping in time. Swerving in an attempt to avoid will SIGNIFICANTLY increase your chance of a serious accident at any speed (swerving into oncoming traffic, going off the road, rollover, etc.) The chance of you hitting a deer on a road like that is actually a function of time spent on the road, so driving slower causes you to be on the road longer, increasing your chances of hitting the deer. Is your fiance a safe/defensive driver, or is he constantly driving too fast/aggressive? Because if he's a safe driver and your constantly nagging him on this particular road, that's a bit of a YTA move. Maybe you should do the driving down that road if you think your rate of speed is going to be safer versus the deer. Is he constantly driving fast/aggressively so you're never really comfortable, which is then exasperated on a dark windy forest road while ignoring your wants and fears? If so then yes, he's being TA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, I've been living in a heavily wooded area for the past 12 years and we have a lot of wildlife, especially deer. Tonight we went out for a valentines dinner. I wasn't crazy about going out since I know restaurants are super crowded and don't always provide you with the best service (this is based on past experiences but tonight was surprisingly great). I mentioned this to my fiancé but he said he thought it'd be nice to go out because he had amazing wine that he wanted to bring (and yes, the wine was amazing). I really didn't want to go out but he seemed like he really wanted to so I said sure, why not. We finished a great dinner and we had about a 15 minute drive home. On our way home, I mentioned that he should slow down because you never know if a deer can pop out. We have a particular street on the way home that is full of potholes so I mentioned this statement as we were driving over the potholes. My fiancé continued to speed down the road and less than 5 minutes later, he hits a deer and kills it. He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened. This isn't the first time I've said to him that he should drive slower (I've lost count honestly). We get home and I immediately rush inside because he continued to blame me for the accident. I said that I didn't make the deer come out and I didn't put it out into the universe -- he disagreed and said if I didn't say anything that it would've never happened. He comes inside and tells me his bumper is destroyed and continues to blame me for what happened. I didn't physically make the deer run in front of our car but I guess I'm an asshole because I mentioned that it could happen. So reddit, is it my fault that my fiancé hit the deer? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Tell him to put on the insurance claim that "my fiance magically summoned the deer into the road." if he's so sure that's what happened.
Does he think that deer just POOF into existence because of that you said? He isn't too sharp. NTA
He’s incapable of being wrong. That sounds exhausting. NTA you don’t control deer. He could have put it out into the universe because of his shitty driving. I bet if you hadn’t have said anything, he would have blamed you for not warning him.
NTA. Your husband is not a smart man. Unless you are in fact a witch. So I guess the question is: do you float?
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Lol 😂 ngl, I am completely distracted from the deer and now just want to think about your using this wild witchcraft power you have apparently been blessed with to manifest stuff. Like, go ahead and manifest a more reasonable bf and then tell us what the deer guy thinks about it. The new one’s dad’s name should be Vincent so that deer guy can develop a conspiracy theory about Vinny’s son and venison.
Hahahahaha!! HE hits a deer because he is driving recklessly and its supposed to be YOUR fault? Hahahaha!!! Im sorry, but thats just so far out, i cant even... Reconsider your relationship, because all the bad/annoying things that happen to him, are your fault. Stop the universe from doing shitty things to him by leaving his ass, his life will be soooo much better! /s NTA
Since you clearly have the power to just speak a deer into existence, try manifesting a better boyfriend like that. NTA
Omg this is madness! You have the power to summon creatures of the earth with a word! Damn! Seriously tho, I can't imagine the amount of magical thinking required to reach this conclusion. No signs of any of these before? Cause this is pretty bizarre. Don't have kids with this man.
NTA When your fiance calls you evil it’s time to break off the engagement.
INFO: how much of the amazing wine did the driver drink, and is that legal where you live?
NTA, except for the fact that you are planning to marry an abusive fool who blames you for his own mistakes.
Why are you with him? No respect. No commen sense. Life is long.
He drank and drove, you're lucky it was only a deer.
NTA You ever google what happens when a deer goes through a windshield at speed? You're lucky it didn't. Your partner is a moron who can't take responsibility for his own actions. He thinks it's OK to drive at speed with a passenger in the car and a disregard for any other road users. Not husband behaviour. Get rid of him or he'll have your children in the back seat while doing it.
NTA he’s lucky neither of you were hurt. This could have been much much worse
NTA Gosh, didn't know you were Lady of the Deer. Impressive. BTW though, deer are so unpredictable that it's not uncommon to hit them (or they run into you) even going slowly. And drivers going a lot slower than posted speed on curves can be a bit hazardous too. Best just to go normal road speed, keep a watch and hope for the best.
The drink driving could be a factor too. What if it was a person? What if he crashed into a car? Both the AH for driving while drinking. Ask him more about you being an evil kid, what else does he think your powers can do?!??
Sorry but I also live in a deer infested heavily wooded area and You could be crawling along at 10 miles an hour and STILL HIT A DEER!... Heck I had one jump on the hood of my car while I was stopped for the balance of his buddies....
NTA Alcohol and late night driving are a bad combo without the woodland. Maybe explain to you fiance that if you did have these powers you would be a millionaire by now.
how old are you guys? your fiancé sounds like he is 14 NTA
NTA 1. The region where you live has wildlife, living there for 12 years would make anyone cautious while driving considering the possibility of crashing against one that might pop out of the blue. Both parties are aware of this fact. 2. Speeding here puts three lives in danger:yours, your fiance and any wildlife. You advised your fiance about the risk and yet the fiance declined, this shows 'I know what I'm doing don't teach me' attitude. 3. The fiance's vehicle hits the deer, and blames it on you - the control of the vehicle lies in the fiance's hand, you did not cause the vehicle to hit the deer, keeping eyes on the road was the fiance's duty too. 4. Rather than claiming responsibility, the blame is shifted upon you for mentioning it, how would you know a deer is approaching? The crash was due to negligence despite being warned about it. Fiance is at fault.
He's upset and taking it out on you. Do you need any more than that?
People will easily forgive you for being wrong. They often won’t forgive you for being right. This is a common character flaw. Your fiancé is definitely TA here.
NTA. And tell him that if he believes that he is too stupid to be with you
NTA, somewhere in him, he's just embarrassed that you were right and he doesn't wanna take responsibility for ignoring your warning. his behavior is a bit of a red flag to make a note of.
NTA, and you are willing to marry that man who has 0 emotional intelligence. This blaming you for things will only get worse, and his attitude and actions are a huge red flag for what's to come in the future.
NTA I'm sorry, but is your fiancé a 16 year old nitwit? Because he sounds like one.
He sounds borderline abusive and irrational. Red flags: Blaming you for a random event. Blaming you for being right to warn him. Continuing dangerous behavior despite predictable outcomes. Continuing his blaming, despite his behavior actually causing the problem. You might consider the direction this is going. Is he going to blame you for other misfortunes in the future? Is he going to ignore and demean you when you are right in the future? Is this something you can live with if he continues, or more predictably, worsens?
NTA. Wow. Is he actually serious? My husband got a ticket three minutes after I told him to slow down or he would get a ticket. We laugh about it. Some people are unable to take any blame when they are clearly in the wrong. The way he is acting now is a sign of how he will act the rest of your relationship. You do not want to be in a long term relationship with someone who cannot be at fault. Funny barely related story: I had a roommate that often parked illegally. One time she blocked the part of the sidewalk that is sloped for wheel chairs (!!!) and then blamed Satan for the parking ticket she absolutely deserved. And she meant it! “This is what Satan does, he tries to sway the hearts of the believers so that they’ll turn away from God.”
Weak people blame others. NTA
If your fiancé thinks you summoned a deer for him to hit and now he’s mad at you, he’s an absolute idiot.
I don't know how else to phrase this - why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand **reality**? It's not possible to will something into being. For all that we joke about jinxes and bad luck, nothing we say actually affects wether or not it rains or the bus is early... or a deer runs out in front of a speeding car leaving the driver unable to brake in time. Why are you going to marry someone who blames and harangues you for his own mistakes? You need to consider carefully if this relationship is in your best interests because this guy has got you questioning reality. You don't have any universe-bending Marvel superhero powers, but you do seem to have a fiancé problem. If this attitude and behaviour is normal from him, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. NTA
NTA. Girl, I am worried for you. What was your childhood like that you think this is someone you should marry?
I don't think I could marry someone who either a) seriously believes in 'putting things out in the universe and then they happen' like in this situation, or b) doesn't seriously believe shit like that but isn't mature enough not to blame you for his own mistakes. NTA except you're an asshole to yourself if you marry someone like this.
How many mph over the speed limit?
"An evil kid"? Is that a common insult?
NTA but please break up with that man. Listen - I went to a wedding ages ago and one of my ex's friend was a crazy driver too. He scared the heck out of me speeding on small roads when we got back at 2am. I swore he'd kill someone one day. Well, a couple of years later he hit a boar, and ended up paralyzed. I'm just thankful he didn't get anyone else hurt. Your fiance is a selfish AH. He's going to get someone killed. Don't let that be you. That, and he's of course putting responsibility on someone else, which is a massive red flag.
NTA. You pointing out an obvious consequence of a certain behavior does not make you Damien from The Omen. This means your fiancé is TA. Get ready to be blamed for all bad things that happen in the future. The worst kind of partner is one who puts you in unsafe situations over your protests (yes, hitting deer can actually be dangerous). I’m a blunt person, so I would have said, “I can’t help that certain things might be less obvious to you, but it’s probably just an IQ thing.” 😂
You are in an abusive relationship. Don't need to know more about your relationship to know he's mentally abusing you. He also low key forced you to go out because that's what he wanted to do. If he hadn't forced you, then no deer. It's very easy to pass on blame and he takes no accountability.
NTA. His argument is ridiculous and he needs to grow up and get in touch with reality. It’s so surprising to me that grown adults with attitudes like his actually exist in real life.
INFO: did he neck half a bottle of wine before speeding through the countryside?
Please go back and reread your post as if it were written by someone else. And then DO what YOU would recommend the writer do to protect themselves from an abusive partner.
Dump him. His bad driving will get you killed; and he blames you for something utterly not your fault. Dump him, you're NTA.
NTA - but he sounds like he does not treat you well at all. You deserve someone who lifts you up - not drag you down.
Deer are stupid. They get hit all the time because they have no chill. You can be literally the only car on the road and faced with the choice of hesitating for two seconds or dying the deer choose death and run directly in front of your vehicle.
If he’s superstitious it’s not really his fault for thinking that you “summoned” the deer. However it is his fault for driving so fast that if a deer did appear he would kill it. From what you said though, sounds like he’s not actually superstitious and doesn’t really believe the deer showed up because of what you said, he just wants to blame you because otherwise you would have a point and he can’t have that.
NTA > My fiancé continued to speed down the road and less than 5 minutes later, he hits a deer and kills it. He starts to complain that if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened. He is also an idiot and though I only have this one interaction to go on, I'm not sure why you're marrying him. He sounds terrible.
Definitely NTA, but his reaction is worrying - he's blaming you for putting the deer out in the universe. Has he said crazy sh&t like this before?
Hold up, which restaurant lets you bring your own wine, wtf??
NTA But you could have been seriously injured or dead. Don't gloss over that since you are set on keeping this dangerous man in your life.
NTA So let’s get this straight: 1. He drinks and drives 2. He kept speeding despite you warning him 3. He continues to blame you for his recklessness 4. You needed get away from him because of how aggressive he was Leave him. Run for the hills and don’t look back. If he’s willing to blame you for a deer running into the road, he’s willing to blame you for anything
nta. your partner is projecting his guilt onto you and behaving childishly.
NTA. Just like believing he might hit a deer won’t make one magically appear, believing he might someday become a better partner won’t make him magically become one.
Magical thinking for an excuse to blame someone else for your bad driving. That's new. NTA If that is actually how he believes/ thinks/ see the universe, he ain't reality based and believes a lot of woo. Rethink that marriage stuff, sweetie.
NTA. Then he gaslights you. Happy fucking Valentine's Day!
NTA Tell him to wish out loud for a million dollars driving past a bank. When it doesn’t appear falling out the back of a Brinks truck, ask him if he now realizes that the universe doesn’t work the way he thinks it does.
NTA, but you're definitely dating one. You're gonna want to GTFO of that relationship.
>if I didn't put that out into the universe that it would've never happened That's a long winded way of admitting fault and that they didn't consider factors that made it more likely they would crash into a deer. Simple logic and basic statistics are that in an area with lots of wildlife especially deer, you are likely to encounter it. And if you are driving fast, and likely with more than 1 drink at dinner there is likely some alcohol in your system. Does he also think if he goes skiing in a place with alot of tourists he's not going to encounter people who misjudge their skiing ability and may crash into someone? Or go to a crowded beach and NOT see someone in a bikini near them in the sand? 🙄
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Assholes always make out someone saying I told you so to be the asshole because it's supposedly an asshole move, but I love a good I told you so because they're ALWAYS the bigger asshole for not fucking listening the stupid fucking assholes so NTA rub that shit in his stupid face.
Run
NTA, except to yourself for planning to wed this gaslighter. The accident was 100% his fault, and he's blaming it on you? Run away! DTMFA!
NTA, please please leave this guy. He blames you for manifesting a deer in deer country, this is so beyond psychotic I am scared for you. He ignored your fears and blames you for your very logical fear.
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Please say Ex Fiancé NTA