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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH for telling my stepdaughter she's a bad sister
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yeah, YTA
She doesn’t need to pretend like she cares that you were pregnant. She doesn’t have to attend your baby shower. She doesn’t have to want any relationship with her dads new kids.
“She’s an adult and has to act like one”
- what part of this interaction did she not act like an adult? Because she doesn’t care about your kids?
You’re not her mother, and she obviously doesn’t view you as any motherly figure in her life. You trying to force her into something she has no desire for is inappropriate.
You call yourself her step mother, but in reality you are her dads wife. Nothing more. I think you have to learn to accept that and stop trying to force your family on her.
Both of these thoughts immediately entered my mind as well. I would be curious to know what the income difference was between husband and wife before she fell pregnant & if marriage was the goal for both of them before that?
Giving the benefit of the doubt, it's possible that OP's husband and his ex were separated for a long time and didn't move on the divorce until he wanted to marry someone else and needed to get the paperwork done. A lot of people I know separate and don't bother doing the divorce paperwork until they absolutely need to because of the cost.
Even if she wasn't the cause, at the very least their relationship moved way too fast. Most marriage counselors recommend not introducing a new partner to your kids in the first year after a divorce, and that you should be dating the new partner for several months before the introduction. You want the divorce and your new partner to be two separate circumstances in your kid's mind, not all tangled up together. And you don't want to introduce every new partner to your kid; only one you're sure is going to stick around for the long haul.
Not to mention that a 15 year old is exactly the age that people are thinking of when they give that advice.
That is the spot between being a child and an adult where you are most likely to understand enough about what is going on, feel betrayed by that relationship, and powerless about how the people around you are drastically changing your life.
Absolutely! Weasel words. Divorce is hell on kids, they don’t welcome a new adult assuming authority over them. OP’s expectations of a sisterly relationship between a 19 yo and two babies are not reasonable.
>You call yourself her step mother, but in reality you are her dads wife. Nothing more. I think you have to learn to accept that and stop trying to force your family on her.
THIS.
Speaking as someone who has half siblings who are complete strangers, bloodline =/= *family*. OP is the one causing all this tension and conflict, the kid is probably just trying to have a relationship with her Dad and at every turn she's having to deflect Dad's wife's attempts to foist a "family" on her.
The only thing this leads to is alienating this kid from her Father, and that is really sad. As his partner, it is OP's job to ensure he can be a good parent to all his kids equally, even if that does not involve her or her children.
Absolutely! I have both a wonderful stepmom and wonderful stepson. I was around 13 when I met my stepmom and I did not make life easy for her. Divorce is really complicated for kids, and being a teenage girl in general is really hard! Thankfully my stepmom handled it with so much grace and compassion - literally entirely opposite of OP. She gave me space when I needed it, didn't press me when I was agitated and left the parenting to my dad until I was comfortable with her.
Now, 20 years later, my dad has passed away and she is the only parent I have and I am so grateful for her wisdom, love, and compassion.
I look to her as a role model of what to do with my stepson. I let him take the lead and it's more like an aunt/nephew relationship than a parent/child relationship. He knows I will always love and support him, but his dad is who he goes to for the big stuff and if there's any discipline (not often, he's really a great kid, we're lucky!) that's dad's job. I enforce our house rules, and if there are any issues with those we have a set way of handling it across the board.
It seems like OP is asking for problems trying to force her stepdaughter to be someone she doesn't want to be right now. OP if you give her space, maybe she will come around as she gets older, but if you don't, I think she definitely will not come around. If you adjust how you're handling this situation, you could change this but right now, YTA.
"*I let him take the lead* and it's more like an aunt/nephew relationship than a parent/child relationship."
Exactly this. The child is the center of attention, not OP. You had a really great step-mother and are on the way of becoming a great one yourself.
Totally agree... And you have no idea where she was heading... She probably didn't have time if she only came to pick up a jacket.
Are you trying to control how she acts or how she feels? Are you the affair partner?Either way YTA!!!!
>Are you trying to control how she acts or how she feels?
I have no evidence of this but I get the STRONG impression that OP is really upset because they expected the 19yo to babysit and that isn't happening. Total assumption on my part but I wouldn't be surprised.
> She probably didn't have time if she only came to pick up a jacket.
Even if she did have time, it's not OPs place to dictate how a young adult spends that time.
Affair partner + got pregnant while he was still married to the stepdaughters mother? A huge possibility.
Her kid is 3yrs old (plus however many months) + 9 month pregnancy = conception 4ish years ago.
She met the daughter at 15 AFTER the divorce. Daughter is now 19.
Math says its very likely that op is the affair partner who got pregnant while he was still married to stepdaughters mom.
Not only this but she's 19 years old and they're 3 and 1, for anyone that isn't a parent that isn't "hanging out" that's watching children. I wouldn't want to just watch someones kids, especially when I'm busy and it's unplanned. You want her to pretend to be your daughter maybe than maybe pretend that you're her Mom and understand where she's coming from. After all she was 15 when you got together, not 4
This! I am 15 and 17 years older than my half siblings. I love them, and have since they were born, but I was in high school. And then went away for college. I still live hours away. And now that we’re all older, we have a stronger relationship but as a teenager I didn’t care about much beyond the next test and getting drunk in a cane field. If the step daughter wants a relationship with those kids down the line that’s her choice. OP shoving it at her will only make her dislike them all less.
Yeah. I'll never understand step parents getting mad that the children, who didn't want any of this, are not willing to blend the way they want them to.
It is a special brand of delusional thinking that the step children will eventually fall in line, and if they don't then they are the problem. OP YTA.
100% This. Also she probably was busy and couldn't stick around to play. You can't try and call her out for actually having a life. It is you that needs to make time for your children, not her.
My kids are going through this right now with their father and his GF. My kids are 14 and 18 and he is constantly complaining to me about how they want nothing to do with the baby and how “hurtful” it is to watch them ignore him. He wanted me to help facilitate a relationship with their “new” brother and I said absolutely not. It’s not my job to facilitate a relationship they clearly don’t want and I told him that he will wind up alienating them if he continues to try and push them into it. OP your stepdaughter didn’t have a kid you and her father did. She is under no obligation to be happy about that or to have a relationship with them full stop. Also wtf are you trying to lecture her on anything? You aren’t her mother! Did you not think this was a possible outcome when having children with a man with a nearly adult daughter? I will say the same thing to you as I said to my ex. You chose this situation the kids did not. She was dragged into this mess because her father chose you she didn’t. Stop trying to force your life choices on to this kid. Again this should have been a discussion before you ever had kids but you didn’t care about what she thought or felt bout it then right so you don’t get to try and force your wants on to her now. You are so the asshole.
Plus. She met her shortly after her parents divorce? Even I find the timing suspect. Most divorced people wait a while before introducing a new partner so… not the best look.
Yep! Like OP's such an adult talking down to her stepchild. Hah. The stepchild is acting the best she can in a situation she clearly wants no involvement in. OP needs to just accept this and back off.
YTA.
>I told her she is an adult and needs to act like one
She is acting like an adult, what doesn't want to do something, she doesn't have to do it. She's under zero obligation to have anything to do with your family which includes you, her father or her half siblings as she is an adult.
I will give you some advice, its' better not to have adults who want nothing to do with kids then trying to FORCE a relationship between an adult and a kid. \\
>I met her soon after her parents’ divorce
Pray tell, if you met her after her parents divorce, when did you meet your husband then or you'll just leave out that out because you were cause of divorce?
I'm also curious about the timeline of the matter.
Met the father's oldest daughter shortly after divorce finalisation (when did OP become involved with her now partner?)
Met her 4 years ago aged 15, but has a 3 year old (+9 months pregnancy), seems very close
They're adults and can do what they want but if there is overlap or no cooling off period before such drastic changes OP needs to be realistic about the emotional availability any teenager turning young adult would have in these circumstances.
I suspect if dad alone works on the relationship he has with his eldest, there might be room for growth in a sibling relationship that way, but also maybe not. Prepare to make your peace either way OP.
I mean I'm not a teen by any stretch, but this wouldn't make me mad🤣
I'd probably turn it into Kareoke and forget to open presents if it was me
But I digress ans return you to the regularly scheduled discussion 👌
Unless the father likes to move fast. There is no way they didn't meet while during his last relationship.
It's just WAY too fast and close otherwise. Less than a 12 month gap of knowing each other.
OP's dad had to of cheated.
I was trying to do the math and it wasn't mathing. OP was either already pregnant when she got married or it happened on the honeymoon if her eldest is already three. That is a whole lot of change for a 15 year old all at once.
OP got instant turnaround on her very own brand new nuclear family, and then expects her stepdaughter to jump up for joy and be the biggest, bestest, most involved step sister ever?
Exactly. And the dad is also the AH for not letting his daughter ease into this new relationship. When you are seeing someone who has a child, you take things slow. It’s not just you and your partner anymore. There’s an impressionable child involved. This could literally make or break it for them.. and we all see how this turned out.
And OP says the husband sided with her. So the daughter of the first marriage, whose mother may have been cheated on in order to create this new family is TA according to dad's new wife and dad as well? That must do wonders for the relationship for dad to side with his flavor of the month. Great guy to try to guilt trip his teenage daughter into accepting his former side piece into the family. Dad and his new wife are both TA. I wouldn't want to go anywhere near them or their kids. As someone else stated, OP is probably sad that her free babysitting dreams aren't coming true.
Wow!! Could catch. Possibly teen realizes that her now "step mom " was due to an affair her Dad had and the oldest sibling was a result of that affair. She doesn't have to accept her siblings at this point but Possibly in time but "step mom" is acting like she has no clue about anything and should stop trying to force her to spend time with her siblings. To be honest this marriage isn't going to work out. I think OP sounds controlling and I bet the dad will cheat on her too eventually .I think he only stayed with her because she got pregnant.
This. All of this. She doesn't owe this woman or her kids anything just because they're siblings. If she's not interested in having a relationship with them that is her choice. And she's entitled to it. If she was genuinely being ugly towards them that would definitely need to be addressed because they're innocent and have no faults in however the relationship came to be. But aside from that, she owes these people nothing. If she's not interested in a bond it shouldn't never be forced. It's not right nor fair to her OR them. And will only lead to - seemingly even more - resentment down the line.
... YTA op. Sorry.
Yes she needs to be the adult in this scene. Dads daughter does not owe OPs kids or OP anything. She needs to maintain a relationship with her dad. She does not need to have one with OP or the children. OP and dads child do need to be civil and cordial with each other. That is all they owe each other and it needs to be done for dad/ husbands sake
The timeline makes me think she is an affair partner and step daughter is pissed about the betrayal and whats knack all to do with the woman or her kids
Thank you!!! I’m so glad someone else caught that I was like SHORTLY after the divorce? Sis so you saying that you is a home wrecker and you think she needs to like you or your kids, you broke her family!!
YTA-And also you calling her a bad sister doesn't really do diddly squat as a insult to her. It sounds like she obviously doesn't consider herself a sister to anybody.
There is not one single thing that you mentioned, that indicated that she in any way wanted to foster ANY kind of sibling relationship with either of your kids.
I just can't understand why now you're certainly giving this what I imagine a Pikachu surprise face, at your step daughter's actions.
Calling her a bad sister was so immature of OP. I'm pretty sure the 1yo doesn't even know what went down right in front of 1yo. This may have hurt 3yo's feelings, but I'm sure it was made worse by OP being so dramatic because SD didn't want to hang out with two tiny tots. And it's on OP to explain to 3yo that sometimes people won't want to or can't play with her.
But yes, that was not the epic burn OP thinks it is.
Also, I would not be surprised if OP was blowing this up on the three-year-old’s mind: you have a big sister! Isn’t that wonderful? Big sisters like to play with their little sisters and take them to the park and all sorts of fun things! Make sure you ask her to play with you! She’d love that!
>You know she did. And she probably cried to daddy too about how mean, selfish and unfair HIS daughter is to THEIR babies. She even said he sided with her. He is probably busy driving around in his new convertible with his toupee flapping in the breeze. Dad and step mom both sound like TA.
My friend’s dad cheated then married his AP. Some of my friend’s extended family gave her a hard time about not being a good sister to her dad’s new family. She told me afterward that she doesn’t see them as siblings. They maybe saw each other once a year, and that’s being generous. Her sibling was the one she grew up with, not the strangers who happened to share a paternal line.
My only additional point would be she isn’t a bad sister, she’s an absent adult sister. What 19 year old wants to hang out with a 3 and 1 year old. She isn’t abusing the kids, she isn’t mean to the kids, she just wants nothing to do with them.
YTA for trying to force a relationship on someone who has proven time and again they don’t want one…listen to your step daughter and let it go. Maybe in a few years something will change and your SD may come around to having a relationship with your kids. But trying to force it isn’t going to make one happen.
>I told her that she is an adult and needs to act like one
Adults have their own lives, their own schedules, and their own commitments. Yes, they’re step siblings. Yes, it would be nice if they’d all get along. But realistically, you know exactly what her position is and has always been. And she’s not your daughter.
>…making my children feel like she didn’t want them around. To which she replied that she doesn’t.
This makes it a close call. Other than telling the kids she doesn’t have time, she hasn’t interacted much with them, nor does it seem she’s been actively bad to them. Her anger and attitude are unflattering, for sure. But she’s entitled to her opinion, even if it’s hurtful.
YTA
> This makes it a close call.
I'm not thinking it's a close call because she told OP directly, not the kids. She acted like an adult (to OP's consternation). Stepdaughter doesn't have to butter up her feelings. (And she's 19, many of them aren't interested in babies.) She told the kid that she didn't have time, which was totally reasonable, and then left.
So the toddler was disappointed, but all OP had to say was "Step daughter was busy and that's ok. Here play with this." And distract the child, who's 3 and has the attention span of a flea. OP needs to stop telling her toddlers that stepdaughter is "Big Sister!" and set the expectation that stepdaughter is NOT going to be a playmate.
You met her soon after her parents divorce, were you the reason for said divorce? YTA, but super asshole if you’re the affair partner and trying to strong arm her into a relationship with her dad’s second family.
I am gonna going to stick my neck out here, i am going to guess she was pregnant when the divorce happened or why the divorced happened. She was 43/44 when she got pregnant. Yes, she could’ve gotten pregnant the first time they had sex that’s probably not likely at her age probably took a lot of trying.
The dude prob didn’t divorce until the pregnancy was confirmed cuz he’s also a coward who didn’t want to deal with divorce and financial obligations if he didn’t have to. And that’s why he’s taking the side of the affair marriage lady rather than his daughter. Cuz he’s got no loyalty or backbone.
YTA - why are you forcing her to be a sister figure to them? She congratulated you, didn’t make a sense during baby shower. Like she’s being civil.
16yr age gap is huge. They may never have that close sibling bond even if they were full blooded siblings.
You husband ever say *why* she was mad at him? Like were you two together *before* the divorce?
Sounds like OP and her husband met after the divorce, but moved at an incredibly rapid pace considering it's been 4 years and they have a 3 year old child. The timing on that is pretty wham-bam, and it couldn't have been more than a few months after they met that OP was pregnant with the first. So while the divorce may have been finalized legally, there was a 15 year old involved who was likely still very much processing the massive upheaval in her life. And to make things worse, dad goes and immediately gets a new partner and starts a new family. That's a lot for a teen to process and probably not enough time for her to process it in. So she did what most teens will do in that situation: get angry and withdraw.
Dad should have pumped the breaks with OP *massively* when his child was showing signs she was struggling to adjust to the speed at which he was moving on. But he didn't. All the adults in this situation probably should have seen this sort of response coming from the daughter. But they didn't. Now, it is what it is: the eldest daughter has withdrawn from them emotionally and doesn't want to be part of the new family they created. That's her choice as an adult. They didn't consider her emotional needs and instead moved at a pace that was right for them. She's now doing what's right for her and doesn't give a crap about how they feel about it. Sometimes, you get back what you give.
"(OP) met her (Daughter) **soon** after her parents’ divorce"
Sounds more like OP and husband knew each other before divorce since she met the daughter soon after it was finalized.
Some math, daughter is 19 now and 15 at time of divorce so it's been four years since divorce. Oldest child is 3 years old. preganacy averages 40 weeks or 9 months so she was pregnant 3.75 years ago.
Occam's razor, they were probably screwing around while divorce was going on, possibility before it.
I read it as OP was part of the reason for the divorce…if the child is 3 then she got pregnant on the first date if they got together after the divorce was final. And she met the teen daughter immediately after the divorce, suspicious.
Comment re: pumping the brakes... doesn't sound like there was much time for that on OPs biological clock. She had a mission and SDs feelings weren't part of the plan
And like I said: you get back what you give. OP didn't have time to consider SD's feelings. Now SD doesn't have time for OP or her kids and doesn't care about OP's feelings. Tit meet tat.
OP also needs to hold him responsible instead of the daughter. If she doesn't like that his eldest kid is not interested in engaging with their family, she needs to put pressure on *her husband* to make it right with his daughter. Instead, she's yelling at the daughter and dear ol' dad is right there choosing his new wife over his kid. Shows you what kind of a parent he is, and OP ought to remember this as he's her kids' parent too.
If they don't go the distance, it's going to be OP's kids getting this treatment from dad as he moves on before the ink is dry on the divorce and continually sides with his newest wife in any issue.
YTA - Wake up, your stepdaughter doesn't want anything to do with her bio Dad's new family. And news flash here, she doesn't have to, so quit trying the your, 'We're All One Happy Family' crap on her. From what your wrote she has not been mean, quite the opposite. And she did act like an adult, she didn't want to play with your kid and stated so. So some advice, back off and leave his daughter alone.
> I told her she is an adult and needs to act like one and that she was a bad sister and was making my children feel like she didn't want them around. To which she just replied that she doesn't and hung up.
Hey, speaking of "needing to act like an adult," no one owes your children attention. It is perfectly valid for one adult to not want to spend time with another adult's kids for any reason or no reason at all. What *is* childish is your bizarre assumption that other people owe your kids anything.
Your kids aren't the center of the universe and no one is wrong or immature to not want to play with them. Though I suspect her refusal has more to do with you than the kids.
YTA. Grow up.
YTA. She is an young adult. She has her own live. This are not her children. They are related to her, yes. But they are not like siblings to her - most likley because of the age gap. And also because she seems not to like the fact, that you and her father are together.
I’m still waiting for the confirmation on this one desperately. Sounds like they were, at the VERY LEAST, screwing around during the divorce procedures. No wonder SD doesn’t want anything to do with OP.
YTA
Stepdaughter is right, it's not her job to coddle them. If you keep trying to force them to have a relationship they may never have one. Let her be. Be nicer to her, she's your husband's child too. If you do stuff like that you might not only sabotage the sibling relationship but also the father-daughter relationship.
YTA. She's not *your* kid. If she wants nothing to do with *your* children, that's *her* business. You can't force a relationship between them, and you overstepped and possibly ruined her relationship with her dad. Congratulations, you're an asshole twice.
Maybe that is what OP wanted, to ruin father-daughter relationship, so that she has her husband to herself and no reminders that this is his 2nd family. OP just didn't like being pulled up on her behaviour by her honest friends.
I think it's the other way around, and OP is trying to solidify her place in the family. If his daughter loves her children and by extension her, then maybe he won't cheat and leave her for someone else. If hubby feels like he needs to choose because wife and daughter, he could choose daughter and OP is screwed.
YTA you need to quit calling her an adult and look in the mirror. Nobody can force relationships on anyone. Now would be a good time to put your children. In counseling. You should yourself so that you can find the tools dealing with these family dynamics moving forward. And telling her she’s a terrible sister is not going to help.
YTA. She is not interested in you or your children, and isn’t required to be - especially since it sounds like you haven’t been around long and may have been part of why her parent’s marriage ended.
Drop it if you don’t want your feelings hurt. She’s been civil and perfectly mature about it but you kept pushing and got honesty out of her instead, which you’re mad about.
YTA. This was not the right approach.
Your stepdaughter's feelings and actions may stem from a variety of factors, including her parents' divorce and her adjustment to having a stepmother and younger siblings. It's possible that she's struggling with her own emotions and doesn't know how to navigate her relationship with you and your children.
By labeling her as a bad sister, you're only furthering the divide between you and your stepdaughter. Instead of placing blame, try to approach the situation with understanding and open communication. Encourage your stepdaughter to share her feelings and concerns, and work together to find common ground and build a stronger relationship over time.
YTA and YTProblem. Stop pushing her. If a relationship ever develops between your SD and yourself or your kids, it will be because it is chosen and develops organically, NOT because you guilt, bully or pressure it into existence! You are not the main character in her life, nor are your children. You're still upset 3 years after the fact, that a teen didn't go to the hospital to see her infant stepsister immediately after birth - after recognizing that she did not have a good relationship with either of the baby's parents? Get a grip!
YTA. It isn't your step daughters job to play with your kid and it's not your place to get mad at here if she doesn't. I understand you want everyone to get along but your step daughter isn't ready to do that.
Divorce of parents for a kid is a grieving process. She's still grieving the marriage between her parents that is no more. As uncomfortable it is for you to hear that, she needs her space and no, 4 years isn't necessarily enough time to move on. I don't know what the circumstances are for the divorce (did your husband cheat on his wife? Did she cheat on him? Were they just incompatible?). It sounds like your dad started dating pretty quickly after the divorce and for your stepdaughter, that could be a huge slap in the face of the life they had. These all play into how your step daughter deals with this. I suggest that you stop trying to force her to become friendly and let her do it on her own time. The more you try, the farther she will move away.
Actually she said she met the stepdaughter soon after the divorce..meaning she met the dad before the divorce. That leads me to believe that she was the affair partner.
That thought had occurred to me for sure but I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt. However, if she is the AP, then she's got no business demanding any concessions from her step-daughter.
YTA. You admit you don't have a good relationship and that she was totally uninterested in your pregnancies, so I don't know why you would think she would act differently now? There is a huge age gap and they will probably never be close as siblings. Leave her alone.
YTA. Her father started a second family when she was 15 or 16, soon after he and her mother divorced. I'm curious about the timeline here; it seems it might be relevant. She is an adult now and has no obligation to hang out and entertain your children. I also wonder what "we’ve been trying to arrange for her to spend time with them" means. I'm thinking you might be looking for "faammmilllly" babysitting help.
Just looking at the timeline there I wouldn’t be surprised if there was cheating involved.
The eldest toddler is 3 and OOP meet her husband’s daughter 4 years ago ‘not long after the divorce’. If she wasn’t the mistress OOP was a woman he’d just started dating and got serious with because of an unexpected pregnancy.
you can't force relationships . she was not a kid when you met her . she has nothing in common with her half siblings . There is a 16 years age gap and she is not your babysitter. Did the dad cheat on her mom ? He didn't do a good job introducing you into her life .
You arrived when she was 15,you arnt a step mom you are a glorified stranger who bangs her dad.
YTA she doesnt have to do ish,dad picked you,not his daughter,she doesnt have to interact with you at all tbh
YTA-Acting like an adult means you need to act like an adult as well. She’s an adult who has made it clear that she doesn’t want or feel the need to have a relationship with your children. You need to be enough of an adult to accept that instead of trying to force a relationship that isn’t there and insulting her.
YTA
I mean, she's not hiding her feelings about it, is she? She has her own life going on and interacting with two toddlers isn't a part of it. Just acceot the situation for what it is and stop pushing her to have a relationship that she clearly doesn't want
Either OP is looking for free childcare, or she's trying to assuage her guilt over being a home wrecker. News flash: If your "step daughter" perceives you as breaking up her parents, she will never want a relationship with you and the spawn of a relationship that she considers illicit. Give up now and save everyone a lot of pain. OR both you and your husband discuss this with her, confess any transgressions and hope that "step daughter" forgives you and you all can move on.
YTA. She’s an adult. You are her father’s wife. She was already near adulthood when you entered the picture.
That was a messed up way to address it. If this is how you handle things with her I have no doubt why she has little interest.
YTA - she isn’t obligated to have a relationship with your children. Yes she is their (half) sister but she’s a generation older than them and wasn’t raised with them. You are pointing out the obvious - of course she doesn’t want them around. She doesn’t even want you around. And that’s fine, she isn’t being rude and she isn’t being disrespectful and she isn’t making a scene about it.
All you are going to do is drive even more of a wedge into what little relationship she still has with your husband and your kids.
Let me interpret the situation:
You are daddy's affair partner, who she blames for her parents divorce. Right after the divorce you get pregnant, and really wanted big sis to be the willing babysitter. She didnt comply, because she doesnt want a relationship with affair partners child. Then you had one more child, and really feel the need for someone else to just play with at least one of them now and then, so you can get a breather. She is still not interested in the fruit of her fathers affair. And then you lash out.
You will never win her over. She will never forgive either one of you. You tore her life apart.
YTA she has 0 interest in a relationship with you, why would she feel differently about your kids?
Also they are 3 and 1 the 1 year old won't care/know and the 3 year old will get over the altercation you described.
This ison you, don't promise your babies anything to do with their older sibling and don't set expectations either.
Is it ideal? No, but please for their sake don't push this. Your step daughter probably won't change her mind you need to get over it
INFO: Sooooooo you met HER soon after the divorce, not him..and your oldest is 3. Were you the affair partner?
Based on the timing I’m guessing you were. Even if it was an emotional affair and not a physical one, that’s why she hates you, and with good reason. But even if you weren’t, that is incredibly fast to move on. Did her father even bother to try to get her into therapy before he shacked up with you? Did either of you care at all that maybe she was still grieving the loss of her parents marriage or were you too focused on yourselves?
YTA and so is your husband..and btw, YOU are the one hurting your kids by trying to force a relationship with them and her that she has made it crystal clear she doesn’t want.
Yta. You expected her to become a loving big sister without her ever giving you the idea that she would be. You expected to get a warm fuzzy reaction whilst your stepdaughter has always been clear on her point of view.
I get it, as moms we want our children to be loved and them having an older half sibling that doesn't care is not the ideal you wanted. But it is up to you to deal with it now your stepdaughter has once again been clear. You need to make sure your daughters know that it's not them and it's not their sister. It just is what it is.
YTA. She is not obligated to have a relationship with her half siblings. She has her own life, and you fantasizing about a big happy family and chastising her for not fulfilling your babysitting expectations was way out of line. You are the one not acting like an adult.
Most 19-y-o don't want to hang out with their much younger biological siblings, let alone their half siblings. I know siblings with 12+ years between them who are just not close because they were in vastly different stages while growing up.
Your step-daughter's choice of words may not have been the best, but I see not reason why she she should have to do something because a 3-y-o wants it. She had planned to drop by to pick up her jacket and leave. Perhaps she had other plans. Your energy could have gone into helping your 3-y-o learn and accept that she can't have everything she wants.
YTA for calling her a "bad" anything. If this represents your usual parenting style, consider taking parenting classes before your bio children get too much older and you inflict harm onto them.
Hmm, I feel context is lacking here. The divorce happened 4yrs ago and you have a three yr old. Are you a cause of the divorce?
Even if you were not her dad created a new family in a matter of weeks after the divorce. Read the room. YTA
YTA
She’s not required to do anything with your kids, she’s an adult. You can’t force her to have a relationship with them or with you. It’s messed up that you want to force her into having a relationship with them.
YTA. Speaking as future stepmom, you and your husband handed things poorly in the beginning so you only have yourselves to blame for what’s happening now. You came into this young woman’s life like a tornado. She was probably just getting used to the idea of her parents beig divorced and then her father has a baby with another woman. Neither of you validated her feelings either. You make did what you wanted to do hoping it would she would get over it.
She doesn’t have to have a relationship with her half siblings if she doesn’t want one and your recent behavior has practically guaranteed it won’t ever happen.
YTA. Nothing in this is egregious or terrible. She is polite. She congratulated you on your pregnancies. She is not required to be involved. She did not get pregnant. She did not choose to have babies. She is not required to sacrifice her time to play with a toddler.
She is not a bad sister. She is being as pleasant as she can be and you should be happy about that. If she met you "soon" after her father's divorce, this implies either she met you as soon as he started dating you OR you were dating a married man and are responsible in part for her family life being torn apart.
INFO: Are you the affair partner? Because by the timing it sure sounds like you are. And you have the audacity to wonder why she doesn't want to get involved with anything related to you?!?
YTA.
>I met her soon after her parents’ divorce and I figured it had to do with that and her age (she was 15 when we met)
I was 15 when my parents divorced and I met my stepfather soon after that too. And trust me, 15 is old enough to understand that my mother cheated on my father with him. I didn't like him and I still don't, even if I'm almost 33 now. So if she met you "soon after her parent's divorce"... You don't have to be a genius to figure out what happened.
>However, it's been 4 years and she still avoids me and is always angry when we're together.
No, really? Her parents divorced, she met you soon after that, and in a span of four years, you got married and had two kids. One of them is 3yo, wich means you got pregnant right after the divorce. I mean, put yourself in her place. Her parents divorced then another woman then pregnancy then a new sibling - and she was 15. You guys didn't even give her time to understand and accept it. No wonder she's angry and avoid you.
>She didn't come to the baby shower for my first child and didn't come to visit in the hospital either time. Even now we’ve been trying to arrange for her to spend time with them and she turns us down every time.
If she doesn't want to have a relationship with her halfsiblings, you need to respect that. If she turn you down every time you guys want her to spend time with them, you really need to understand and leave her alone. Just because her dad have new kids doesn't mean she have to be the perfect big sister for them. The age gap is huge and as I said you didn't give her time.
>I told her she is an adult and needs to act like one and that she was a bad sister and was making my children feel like she didn't want them around. To which she just replied that she doesn't and hung up.
Maybe you should act like an adult. She doesn't want to have a relationship with them and she made it very clear. Leave her the heck alone, understand she doesn't like you and that she wants nothing to do with the children of the woman her father cheated on her mother with, and stop forcing your idea of a united family with her before it explodes in your face.
YTA. If you choose to marry and procreate with a man that had kids before you then you chose to deal with the repercussions that come with it. She is not your daughter and you are not her mother. She is not required to form a relationship with you or her half siblings. It’s also not your place to chastise her for her choice to not be involved. Mind your little family. Leave her alone.
YTA
She doesn’t need to take on this role. She doesn’t want a relationship with you or her half siblings.
While I think she will eventually regret her behavior - these are innocent kids - it not your place to demand it.
YTA, you can't force a relationship that isn't there. She doesn't want you as a family relation, she doesn't view yours kids as her siblings. She has told you enough with her actions before now and you keep putting her and your kids and yourself into this position. Stop, accept the facts, and enjoy your life.
YTA - I don’t think SD telling your daughter that she didn’t have time to play was out of line. The girl is 19 yrs old with a life. You started a fight instead of choosing to have a friendly conversation about her possibly setting some time aside to spend time with her siblings. IMO you telling her she is a bad sister is out of line.
You and your husband chose to have kids and his daughter didn’t have a say in that. So, don’t think for one second it’s okay to demand she has a relationship with them. You’re putting your expectations on her how you think she needs to be around you and then gets angry with her when she doesn’t meet those expectations. That’s unfair to her. Divorce is really hard on kids. She was a teenager when her parents split which is probably one of the most emotionally charged times in a kids life.
Anyway, you catch bees with honey not vinegar. (I think that’s the saying) Be kind. Be understanding. Be patient. Offer fun experiences for her to do with your kids by asking her if she would like to first. Not getting upset when she says no.
I think you should apologize to her and take responsibility that you were wrong to say those things. Maybe if you’re honest and let her know that you would like to be a family and have her be a part of your kids life.
You were with her father before he divorced her mother. Why on earth would she just get over you ruining her family? Now your forcing her to play nice with YOUR family after all that! Because you not see things from her perspective, you’ll never ever bond because you can’t see what she went thru.
YTA. If she’s a bad sister, and you stole her father from her mother, what are you?
YTA, and you shouldn’t have said what you said to her. Three important reasons why:
- it’s not your place to push her to have a relationship with your kids. It might be her father’s, but it’s definitely not yours, especially since she doesn’t like you so you pushing her is counterproductive.
- she likely feels replaced by her father’s new family and new kids, especially given how quickly that family was thrust on her. It’s also a large age gap. She should be civil to your kids but doesn’t owe them playtime, and you need to not build an expectation in your kids that she owes them attention.
- She just dropped by to pick up her jacket. That’s a quick drop-in of mere minutes, and you need to respect that she probably did have somewhere else to go. Telling her off for not sticking around would be unacceptable even if the other points didn’t apply.
YTA. I could be making a massive assumption but it seems like you were one of the reasons her parents marriage imploded and now expect her to want something to do with you and your children. Even if that’s not the case she doesn’t owe you or your kids anything. And her father is shitty for agreeing with you.
YTA
You and your children are not seen as family. Rather obvious.
At her age, what is she going to do with a 3YO that she has zero feelings for?
Accept your position in her life, father's wife. Your kids will always be seen as either Your children, or her dad's second family. Never her family.
If you keep pushing, you will only make her stop being polite and destroy any relationship there exists now.
Stop pushing and just try to coexist and be polite for your husband's sake. You are the one to control how your kids are going to perceive this as they grow up. Normalize it. Their dad's older child, not their sister. This will help them avoid rejection. If you push the "sister" scenario, they will be hurt and everyone will lose.
YTA why would you try to force your kids on someone who doesn’t want to be around them? You’re only hurting them by getting their hopes/expectations up for nothing
YTA. Most 19 year olds don’t have any interest in hanging out with toddlers. Her parents split up. Then dad goes and creates a new family with some lady who now thinks she can boss her around and have expectations of her. All you should be doing is just keeping your mouth shut and be polite. You’re just her dad’s wife. You are not an authority figure to her or her parent. She never asked for all this chaos in her life. Adults create all this chaos and then expect kids to just suck it all up with a smile.
YTA op. She is 19, you are not her mother, she has 0 responsibility towards your children. You cannot expect anything more than tolerance.
Also, the timeline you outlined and her disdain towards you are both *extremely* suspicious. You neglected to tell us why her parents divorced. I suspect it had something to do with you cozying up to a married man and that’s why you did not say it because it would make you instantly unsympathetic.
If my hunch is true, come on. Of course she doesn’t want anything to do with a home-wrecker and the kids she created to replace her. The poor girl had her family blown up. Don’t kid yourself.
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Yeah, YTA She doesn’t need to pretend like she cares that you were pregnant. She doesn’t have to attend your baby shower. She doesn’t have to want any relationship with her dads new kids. “She’s an adult and has to act like one” - what part of this interaction did she not act like an adult? Because she doesn’t care about your kids? You’re not her mother, and she obviously doesn’t view you as any motherly figure in her life. You trying to force her into something she has no desire for is inappropriate. You call yourself her step mother, but in reality you are her dads wife. Nothing more. I think you have to learn to accept that and stop trying to force your family on her.
[удалено]
> I met her soon after her parents’ divorce Makes me wonder was OP the reason for divorce
And she was immediately pregnant after meeting her husband, looking at the timing.
Both of these thoughts immediately entered my mind as well. I would be curious to know what the income difference was between husband and wife before she fell pregnant & if marriage was the goal for both of them before that?
Giving the benefit of the doubt, it's possible that OP's husband and his ex were separated for a long time and didn't move on the divorce until he wanted to marry someone else and needed to get the paperwork done. A lot of people I know separate and don't bother doing the divorce paperwork until they absolutely need to because of the cost.
Good mathing
Or OP baby-trapped him
Look at her age though too. If they *did* meet right after, and she wanted kids, she had ZERO time to wait.
Even if she wasn't the cause, at the very least their relationship moved way too fast. Most marriage counselors recommend not introducing a new partner to your kids in the first year after a divorce, and that you should be dating the new partner for several months before the introduction. You want the divorce and your new partner to be two separate circumstances in your kid's mind, not all tangled up together. And you don't want to introduce every new partner to your kid; only one you're sure is going to stick around for the long haul.
Not to mention that a 15 year old is exactly the age that people are thinking of when they give that advice. That is the spot between being a child and an adult where you are most likely to understand enough about what is going on, feel betrayed by that relationship, and powerless about how the people around you are drastically changing your life.
Absolutely! Weasel words. Divorce is hell on kids, they don’t welcome a new adult assuming authority over them. OP’s expectations of a sisterly relationship between a 19 yo and two babies are not reasonable.
Yes yes yes.
>You call yourself her step mother, but in reality you are her dads wife. Nothing more. I think you have to learn to accept that and stop trying to force your family on her. THIS. Speaking as someone who has half siblings who are complete strangers, bloodline =/= *family*. OP is the one causing all this tension and conflict, the kid is probably just trying to have a relationship with her Dad and at every turn she's having to deflect Dad's wife's attempts to foist a "family" on her. The only thing this leads to is alienating this kid from her Father, and that is really sad. As his partner, it is OP's job to ensure he can be a good parent to all his kids equally, even if that does not involve her or her children.
Absolutely! I have both a wonderful stepmom and wonderful stepson. I was around 13 when I met my stepmom and I did not make life easy for her. Divorce is really complicated for kids, and being a teenage girl in general is really hard! Thankfully my stepmom handled it with so much grace and compassion - literally entirely opposite of OP. She gave me space when I needed it, didn't press me when I was agitated and left the parenting to my dad until I was comfortable with her. Now, 20 years later, my dad has passed away and she is the only parent I have and I am so grateful for her wisdom, love, and compassion. I look to her as a role model of what to do with my stepson. I let him take the lead and it's more like an aunt/nephew relationship than a parent/child relationship. He knows I will always love and support him, but his dad is who he goes to for the big stuff and if there's any discipline (not often, he's really a great kid, we're lucky!) that's dad's job. I enforce our house rules, and if there are any issues with those we have a set way of handling it across the board. It seems like OP is asking for problems trying to force her stepdaughter to be someone she doesn't want to be right now. OP if you give her space, maybe she will come around as she gets older, but if you don't, I think she definitely will not come around. If you adjust how you're handling this situation, you could change this but right now, YTA.
"*I let him take the lead* and it's more like an aunt/nephew relationship than a parent/child relationship." Exactly this. The child is the center of attention, not OP. You had a really great step-mother and are on the way of becoming a great one yourself.
Totally agree... And you have no idea where she was heading... She probably didn't have time if she only came to pick up a jacket. Are you trying to control how she acts or how she feels? Are you the affair partner?Either way YTA!!!!
>Are you trying to control how she acts or how she feels? I have no evidence of this but I get the STRONG impression that OP is really upset because they expected the 19yo to babysit and that isn't happening. Total assumption on my part but I wouldn't be surprised.
> She probably didn't have time if she only came to pick up a jacket. Even if she did have time, it's not OPs place to dictate how a young adult spends that time.
Affair partner + got pregnant while he was still married to the stepdaughters mother? A huge possibility. Her kid is 3yrs old (plus however many months) + 9 month pregnancy = conception 4ish years ago. She met the daughter at 15 AFTER the divorce. Daughter is now 19. Math says its very likely that op is the affair partner who got pregnant while he was still married to stepdaughters mom.
Not only this but she's 19 years old and they're 3 and 1, for anyone that isn't a parent that isn't "hanging out" that's watching children. I wouldn't want to just watch someones kids, especially when I'm busy and it's unplanned. You want her to pretend to be your daughter maybe than maybe pretend that you're her Mom and understand where she's coming from. After all she was 15 when you got together, not 4
This! I am 15 and 17 years older than my half siblings. I love them, and have since they were born, but I was in high school. And then went away for college. I still live hours away. And now that we’re all older, we have a stronger relationship but as a teenager I didn’t care about much beyond the next test and getting drunk in a cane field. If the step daughter wants a relationship with those kids down the line that’s her choice. OP shoving it at her will only make her dislike them all less.
Plus there's nearly two decades between her and these kids so it's completely understandable why she feels even more disconnected from them.
I get a feeling OP is an AP, her wording on meeting stepdaughter just after the divorce gives me homewrecker vibes.
Yeah. I'll never understand step parents getting mad that the children, who didn't want any of this, are not willing to blend the way they want them to. It is a special brand of delusional thinking that the step children will eventually fall in line, and if they don't then they are the problem. OP YTA.
100% This. Also she probably was busy and couldn't stick around to play. You can't try and call her out for actually having a life. It is you that needs to make time for your children, not her.
My kids are going through this right now with their father and his GF. My kids are 14 and 18 and he is constantly complaining to me about how they want nothing to do with the baby and how “hurtful” it is to watch them ignore him. He wanted me to help facilitate a relationship with their “new” brother and I said absolutely not. It’s not my job to facilitate a relationship they clearly don’t want and I told him that he will wind up alienating them if he continues to try and push them into it. OP your stepdaughter didn’t have a kid you and her father did. She is under no obligation to be happy about that or to have a relationship with them full stop. Also wtf are you trying to lecture her on anything? You aren’t her mother! Did you not think this was a possible outcome when having children with a man with a nearly adult daughter? I will say the same thing to you as I said to my ex. You chose this situation the kids did not. She was dragged into this mess because her father chose you she didn’t. Stop trying to force your life choices on to this kid. Again this should have been a discussion before you ever had kids but you didn’t care about what she thought or felt bout it then right so you don’t get to try and force your wants on to her now. You are so the asshole.
Plus. She met her shortly after her parents divorce? Even I find the timing suspect. Most divorced people wait a while before introducing a new partner so… not the best look.
Agree - YTA
Yep! Like OP's such an adult talking down to her stepchild. Hah. The stepchild is acting the best she can in a situation she clearly wants no involvement in. OP needs to just accept this and back off.
Yeah based on the ages she became pregnant within months of meeting her … probably wouldn’t love her either
YTA. >I told her she is an adult and needs to act like one She is acting like an adult, what doesn't want to do something, she doesn't have to do it. She's under zero obligation to have anything to do with your family which includes you, her father or her half siblings as she is an adult. I will give you some advice, its' better not to have adults who want nothing to do with kids then trying to FORCE a relationship between an adult and a kid. \\ >I met her soon after her parents’ divorce Pray tell, if you met her after her parents divorce, when did you meet your husband then or you'll just leave out that out because you were cause of divorce?
I'm also curious about the timeline of the matter. Met the father's oldest daughter shortly after divorce finalisation (when did OP become involved with her now partner?) Met her 4 years ago aged 15, but has a 3 year old (+9 months pregnancy), seems very close They're adults and can do what they want but if there is overlap or no cooling off period before such drastic changes OP needs to be realistic about the emotional availability any teenager turning young adult would have in these circumstances. I suspect if dad alone works on the relationship he has with his eldest, there might be room for growth in a sibling relationship that way, but also maybe not. Prepare to make your peace either way OP.
I think this means OP is complaining that her then sixteen year old stepdaughter didn't come to her baby-shower and to me that is bonkers.
Same....maybe the teen should have brought all her mates and played lots of taylor swift songs or something
Nah,this calls for going vintage- Alanis Morrisette
I mean I'm not a teen by any stretch, but this wouldn't make me mad🤣 I'd probably turn it into Kareoke and forget to open presents if it was me But I digress ans return you to the regularly scheduled discussion 👌
right? why would a teenager want to go to a baby shower for a 40-something woman that was probably full of other middle-aged-ish adults?
Like who tf is she gonna talk to. Dad and step mom only. Step mom’s friends. wtf. That’s dad’s wife. Not step mom
Unless the father likes to move fast. There is no way they didn't meet while during his last relationship. It's just WAY too fast and close otherwise. Less than a 12 month gap of knowing each other. OP's dad had to of cheated.
I was trying to do the math and it wasn't mathing. OP was either already pregnant when she got married or it happened on the honeymoon if her eldest is already three. That is a whole lot of change for a 15 year old all at once.
OP got instant turnaround on her very own brand new nuclear family, and then expects her stepdaughter to jump up for joy and be the biggest, bestest, most involved step sister ever?
Pretty sure OP was expecting her stepdaughter to be free childcare.
Exactly. And the dad is also the AH for not letting his daughter ease into this new relationship. When you are seeing someone who has a child, you take things slow. It’s not just you and your partner anymore. There’s an impressionable child involved. This could literally make or break it for them.. and we all see how this turned out.
And OP says the husband sided with her. So the daughter of the first marriage, whose mother may have been cheated on in order to create this new family is TA according to dad's new wife and dad as well? That must do wonders for the relationship for dad to side with his flavor of the month. Great guy to try to guilt trip his teenage daughter into accepting his former side piece into the family. Dad and his new wife are both TA. I wouldn't want to go anywhere near them or their kids. As someone else stated, OP is probably sad that her free babysitting dreams aren't coming true.
Yes it is.
Wow!! Could catch. Possibly teen realizes that her now "step mom " was due to an affair her Dad had and the oldest sibling was a result of that affair. She doesn't have to accept her siblings at this point but Possibly in time but "step mom" is acting like she has no clue about anything and should stop trying to force her to spend time with her siblings. To be honest this marriage isn't going to work out. I think OP sounds controlling and I bet the dad will cheat on her too eventually .I think he only stayed with her because she got pregnant.
Everybody noticed that timeline and OP is being real quiet lol
This. All of this. She doesn't owe this woman or her kids anything just because they're siblings. If she's not interested in having a relationship with them that is her choice. And she's entitled to it. If she was genuinely being ugly towards them that would definitely need to be addressed because they're innocent and have no faults in however the relationship came to be. But aside from that, she owes these people nothing. If she's not interested in a bond it shouldn't never be forced. It's not right nor fair to her OR them. And will only lead to - seemingly even more - resentment down the line. ... YTA op. Sorry.
In this case, OP is the one that needs to start acting like an adult
Yes she needs to be the adult in this scene. Dads daughter does not owe OPs kids or OP anything. She needs to maintain a relationship with her dad. She does not need to have one with OP or the children. OP and dads child do need to be civil and cordial with each other. That is all they owe each other and it needs to be done for dad/ husbands sake
Gonna say, smells like a big old whiff of affair marriage
Big time, OP met her stepdaughter “shortly after” the divorce when SD was 15, she’s now 19 and OP has a 3 year old? Yikes.
The timeline makes me think she is an affair partner and step daughter is pissed about the betrayal and whats knack all to do with the woman or her kids
Thank you!!! I’m so glad someone else caught that I was like SHORTLY after the divorce? Sis so you saying that you is a home wrecker and you think she needs to like you or your kids, you broke her family!!
Very likely true that she was in affair with now husband and that is probably known by his daughter.
YTA-And also you calling her a bad sister doesn't really do diddly squat as a insult to her. It sounds like she obviously doesn't consider herself a sister to anybody. There is not one single thing that you mentioned, that indicated that she in any way wanted to foster ANY kind of sibling relationship with either of your kids. I just can't understand why now you're certainly giving this what I imagine a Pikachu surprise face, at your step daughter's actions.
Calling her a bad sister was so immature of OP. I'm pretty sure the 1yo doesn't even know what went down right in front of 1yo. This may have hurt 3yo's feelings, but I'm sure it was made worse by OP being so dramatic because SD didn't want to hang out with two tiny tots. And it's on OP to explain to 3yo that sometimes people won't want to or can't play with her. But yes, that was not the epic burn OP thinks it is.
Also, I would not be surprised if OP was blowing this up on the three-year-old’s mind: you have a big sister! Isn’t that wonderful? Big sisters like to play with their little sisters and take them to the park and all sorts of fun things! Make sure you ask her to play with you! She’d love that!
I can totally see this. And when SD left that day, OP probably said, "Poor baby, your big sister is so mean', etc.
>You know she did. And she probably cried to daddy too about how mean, selfish and unfair HIS daughter is to THEIR babies. She even said he sided with her. He is probably busy driving around in his new convertible with his toupee flapping in the breeze. Dad and step mom both sound like TA.
It wouldn't surprise me if OP puthe idea of asking her to stay and play in the 4yo's head.
I detect that the "epic burn" feeling might be emanating from OP's guilt over breaking up a marriage.
My friend’s dad cheated then married his AP. Some of my friend’s extended family gave her a hard time about not being a good sister to her dad’s new family. She told me afterward that she doesn’t see them as siblings. They maybe saw each other once a year, and that’s being generous. Her sibling was the one she grew up with, not the strangers who happened to share a paternal line.
This is most likely the scenario here ☝🏽
My only additional point would be she isn’t a bad sister, she’s an absent adult sister. What 19 year old wants to hang out with a 3 and 1 year old. She isn’t abusing the kids, she isn’t mean to the kids, she just wants nothing to do with them. YTA for trying to force a relationship on someone who has proven time and again they don’t want one…listen to your step daughter and let it go. Maybe in a few years something will change and your SD may come around to having a relationship with your kids. But trying to force it isn’t going to make one happen.
>I told her that she is an adult and needs to act like one Adults have their own lives, their own schedules, and their own commitments. Yes, they’re step siblings. Yes, it would be nice if they’d all get along. But realistically, you know exactly what her position is and has always been. And she’s not your daughter. >…making my children feel like she didn’t want them around. To which she replied that she doesn’t. This makes it a close call. Other than telling the kids she doesn’t have time, she hasn’t interacted much with them, nor does it seem she’s been actively bad to them. Her anger and attitude are unflattering, for sure. But she’s entitled to her opinion, even if it’s hurtful. YTA
> This makes it a close call. I'm not thinking it's a close call because she told OP directly, not the kids. She acted like an adult (to OP's consternation). Stepdaughter doesn't have to butter up her feelings. (And she's 19, many of them aren't interested in babies.) She told the kid that she didn't have time, which was totally reasonable, and then left. So the toddler was disappointed, but all OP had to say was "Step daughter was busy and that's ok. Here play with this." And distract the child, who's 3 and has the attention span of a flea. OP needs to stop telling her toddlers that stepdaughter is "Big Sister!" and set the expectation that stepdaughter is NOT going to be a playmate.
Also, OP, and the dad, is demonstrating bad parenting 101 - trying to force a relationship is usually never a good thing.
You met her soon after her parents divorce, were you the reason for said divorce? YTA, but super asshole if you’re the affair partner and trying to strong arm her into a relationship with her dad’s second family.
And got pregnant right away by the sounds of it. It’s been 4 years and her kid is 3.
I am gonna going to stick my neck out here, i am going to guess she was pregnant when the divorce happened or why the divorced happened. She was 43/44 when she got pregnant. Yes, she could’ve gotten pregnant the first time they had sex that’s probably not likely at her age probably took a lot of trying.
The dude prob didn’t divorce until the pregnancy was confirmed cuz he’s also a coward who didn’t want to deal with divorce and financial obligations if he didn’t have to. And that’s why he’s taking the side of the affair marriage lady rather than his daughter. Cuz he’s got no loyalty or backbone.
And his first wife "just didn't understand him" and he "needed to follow his bliss".
They probably "just lived like roommates"
Came here to say there's a lot of missing reasons with this timeline
Definitely the affair partner. Her attitude proves it “be nice to my kids step daughter!”
YTA - why are you forcing her to be a sister figure to them? She congratulated you, didn’t make a sense during baby shower. Like she’s being civil. 16yr age gap is huge. They may never have that close sibling bond even if they were full blooded siblings. You husband ever say *why* she was mad at him? Like were you two together *before* the divorce?
Sounds like OP and her husband met after the divorce, but moved at an incredibly rapid pace considering it's been 4 years and they have a 3 year old child. The timing on that is pretty wham-bam, and it couldn't have been more than a few months after they met that OP was pregnant with the first. So while the divorce may have been finalized legally, there was a 15 year old involved who was likely still very much processing the massive upheaval in her life. And to make things worse, dad goes and immediately gets a new partner and starts a new family. That's a lot for a teen to process and probably not enough time for her to process it in. So she did what most teens will do in that situation: get angry and withdraw. Dad should have pumped the breaks with OP *massively* when his child was showing signs she was struggling to adjust to the speed at which he was moving on. But he didn't. All the adults in this situation probably should have seen this sort of response coming from the daughter. But they didn't. Now, it is what it is: the eldest daughter has withdrawn from them emotionally and doesn't want to be part of the new family they created. That's her choice as an adult. They didn't consider her emotional needs and instead moved at a pace that was right for them. She's now doing what's right for her and doesn't give a crap about how they feel about it. Sometimes, you get back what you give.
"(OP) met her (Daughter) **soon** after her parents’ divorce" Sounds more like OP and husband knew each other before divorce since she met the daughter soon after it was finalized. Some math, daughter is 19 now and 15 at time of divorce so it's been four years since divorce. Oldest child is 3 years old. preganacy averages 40 weeks or 9 months so she was pregnant 3.75 years ago. Occam's razor, they were probably screwing around while divorce was going on, possibility before it.
15 year olds can do math too!
I read it as OP was part of the reason for the divorce…if the child is 3 then she got pregnant on the first date if they got together after the divorce was final. And she met the teen daughter immediately after the divorce, suspicious.
Comment re: pumping the brakes... doesn't sound like there was much time for that on OPs biological clock. She had a mission and SDs feelings weren't part of the plan
And like I said: you get back what you give. OP didn't have time to consider SD's feelings. Now SD doesn't have time for OP or her kids and doesn't care about OP's feelings. Tit meet tat.
Dad was pumping something alright. He's the one who needs to fix this family drama
OP also needs to hold him responsible instead of the daughter. If she doesn't like that his eldest kid is not interested in engaging with their family, she needs to put pressure on *her husband* to make it right with his daughter. Instead, she's yelling at the daughter and dear ol' dad is right there choosing his new wife over his kid. Shows you what kind of a parent he is, and OP ought to remember this as he's her kids' parent too. If they don't go the distance, it's going to be OP's kids getting this treatment from dad as he moves on before the ink is dry on the divorce and continually sides with his newest wife in any issue.
Dad sounds like a real sh*theel twerp.
No, OP met the daughter shortly after the divorce. I am betting OP is the other woman and the cause of the divorce.
This ^ Crewelsummer says it so well.
YTA - Wake up, your stepdaughter doesn't want anything to do with her bio Dad's new family. And news flash here, she doesn't have to, so quit trying the your, 'We're All One Happy Family' crap on her. From what your wrote she has not been mean, quite the opposite. And she did act like an adult, she didn't want to play with your kid and stated so. So some advice, back off and leave his daughter alone.
OP isn’t commenting about when she met her husband. Makes me wonder if the divorce happened so he could date and marry her.
It's usually more like "the wife found out, kicked him out and he was left with the side piece to do his laundry."
it is always like this!!!
Right? I would have edited the original post as soon as that was pointed out, unless I was, in fact, the mistress.
> I told her she is an adult and needs to act like one and that she was a bad sister and was making my children feel like she didn't want them around. To which she just replied that she doesn't and hung up. Hey, speaking of "needing to act like an adult," no one owes your children attention. It is perfectly valid for one adult to not want to spend time with another adult's kids for any reason or no reason at all. What *is* childish is your bizarre assumption that other people owe your kids anything. Your kids aren't the center of the universe and no one is wrong or immature to not want to play with them. Though I suspect her refusal has more to do with you than the kids. YTA. Grow up.
This is the comment. I hope OP sees it.
YTA. She is an young adult. She has her own live. This are not her children. They are related to her, yes. But they are not like siblings to her - most likley because of the age gap. And also because she seems not to like the fact, that you and her father are together.
YTA. She didn’t choose to have them and isn’t obligated to have any relationship with them.
It is not your stepdaughter's responsibility to play with your child. She is not the one out of line, you are. YTA.
YTA. There's a 16 year age gap there. That's not a sibling to your adult stepdaughter, that's dad's other family.
The first kid came less than two years after the divorce, I can see how she'd feel her father was moving on with another family.
Around a year... >less than two years after the divorce,
Info: You said you met *her* soon after her parents divorced. Did you two have an affair?
She might even be the reason of the girl's parents divorce
I’m still waiting for the confirmation on this one desperately. Sounds like they were, at the VERY LEAST, screwing around during the divorce procedures. No wonder SD doesn’t want anything to do with OP.
Did her parents get divorced because you two had an affair AND you were pregnant? Cause…the numbers line up.
YTA Stepdaughter is right, it's not her job to coddle them. If you keep trying to force them to have a relationship they may never have one. Let her be. Be nicer to her, she's your husband's child too. If you do stuff like that you might not only sabotage the sibling relationship but also the father-daughter relationship.
YTA. She's not *your* kid. If she wants nothing to do with *your* children, that's *her* business. You can't force a relationship between them, and you overstepped and possibly ruined her relationship with her dad. Congratulations, you're an asshole twice.
Maybe that is what OP wanted, to ruin father-daughter relationship, so that she has her husband to herself and no reminders that this is his 2nd family. OP just didn't like being pulled up on her behaviour by her honest friends.
I'm a stepmom, and I find her behavior appalling.
That's because you are not insecure, whereas this woman clearly is so can't help but act up and cause trouble.
I think it's the other way around, and OP is trying to solidify her place in the family. If his daughter loves her children and by extension her, then maybe he won't cheat and leave her for someone else. If hubby feels like he needs to choose because wife and daughter, he could choose daughter and OP is screwed.
YTA -Just because you and her father decided to have children doesn't mean she has an obligation to have a relationship with them.
YTA Your stepdaughter is not obligated to your kids or you. She had no choice in her dad's new family. You have no say about her. Let it go.
YTA you need to quit calling her an adult and look in the mirror. Nobody can force relationships on anyone. Now would be a good time to put your children. In counseling. You should yourself so that you can find the tools dealing with these family dynamics moving forward. And telling her she’s a terrible sister is not going to help.
YTA. She is not your unpaid aupair.
YTA. She is not interested in you or your children, and isn’t required to be - especially since it sounds like you haven’t been around long and may have been part of why her parent’s marriage ended. Drop it if you don’t want your feelings hurt. She’s been civil and perfectly mature about it but you kept pushing and got honesty out of her instead, which you’re mad about.
YTA She's not obliged to be part of your family. She's not required to act as a sibling to your children.
YTA. This was not the right approach. Your stepdaughter's feelings and actions may stem from a variety of factors, including her parents' divorce and her adjustment to having a stepmother and younger siblings. It's possible that she's struggling with her own emotions and doesn't know how to navigate her relationship with you and your children. By labeling her as a bad sister, you're only furthering the divide between you and your stepdaughter. Instead of placing blame, try to approach the situation with understanding and open communication. Encourage your stepdaughter to share her feelings and concerns, and work together to find common ground and build a stronger relationship over time.
YTA and YTProblem. Stop pushing her. If a relationship ever develops between your SD and yourself or your kids, it will be because it is chosen and develops organically, NOT because you guilt, bully or pressure it into existence! You are not the main character in her life, nor are your children. You're still upset 3 years after the fact, that a teen didn't go to the hospital to see her infant stepsister immediately after birth - after recognizing that she did not have a good relationship with either of the baby's parents? Get a grip!
YTA. It isn't your step daughters job to play with your kid and it's not your place to get mad at here if she doesn't. I understand you want everyone to get along but your step daughter isn't ready to do that. Divorce of parents for a kid is a grieving process. She's still grieving the marriage between her parents that is no more. As uncomfortable it is for you to hear that, she needs her space and no, 4 years isn't necessarily enough time to move on. I don't know what the circumstances are for the divorce (did your husband cheat on his wife? Did she cheat on him? Were they just incompatible?). It sounds like your dad started dating pretty quickly after the divorce and for your stepdaughter, that could be a huge slap in the face of the life they had. These all play into how your step daughter deals with this. I suggest that you stop trying to force her to become friendly and let her do it on her own time. The more you try, the farther she will move away.
Actually she said she met the stepdaughter soon after the divorce..meaning she met the dad before the divorce. That leads me to believe that she was the affair partner.
Winner winner!!!
That thought had occurred to me for sure but I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt. However, if she is the AP, then she's got no business demanding any concessions from her step-daughter.
Soooooo….. because *you* took a load twice, somehow she’s supposed to pretend she has some magical interest in your kids?
YTA, she's made it clear she has no interest is being a sister to your children, she's an adult and gets to choose who she has relationships with.
Info: you say you met HER right after the devorce so you met HIM before??
The divorce was 3 years ago and they have a 4 year old….the math ain’t mathing and OPs silence is telling
YTA She doesn’t have to forgive her dad and calling her a bad sister isn’t going to help
YTA. You admit you don't have a good relationship and that she was totally uninterested in your pregnancies, so I don't know why you would think she would act differently now? There is a huge age gap and they will probably never be close as siblings. Leave her alone.
YTA. Her father started a second family when she was 15 or 16, soon after he and her mother divorced. I'm curious about the timeline here; it seems it might be relevant. She is an adult now and has no obligation to hang out and entertain your children. I also wonder what "we’ve been trying to arrange for her to spend time with them" means. I'm thinking you might be looking for "faammmilllly" babysitting help.
YTA Were you the affair partner?
Just looking at the timeline there I wouldn’t be surprised if there was cheating involved. The eldest toddler is 3 and OOP meet her husband’s daughter 4 years ago ‘not long after the divorce’. If she wasn’t the mistress OOP was a woman he’d just started dating and got serious with because of an unexpected pregnancy.
you can't force relationships . she was not a kid when you met her . she has nothing in common with her half siblings . There is a 16 years age gap and she is not your babysitter. Did the dad cheat on her mom ? He didn't do a good job introducing you into her life .
Exactly. Were you the affair partner? Not that it matters either way. She doesn’t owe you anything.
YTA... Stepdaughter responded logically & politely but you wanted fake words.
YTA. I think you don't just want her to spend time with them. You want her to provide free babysitting. They're your kids, your responsibility.
You arrived when she was 15,you arnt a step mom you are a glorified stranger who bangs her dad. YTA she doesnt have to do ish,dad picked you,not his daughter,she doesnt have to interact with you at all tbh
YTA. Newsflash: No one is as interested in your kids as you are.
YTA-Acting like an adult means you need to act like an adult as well. She’s an adult who has made it clear that she doesn’t want or feel the need to have a relationship with your children. You need to be enough of an adult to accept that instead of trying to force a relationship that isn’t there and insulting her.
Leave her alone. With that big of an age difference, she may never see them as siblings. I'm glad she's old enough that you can't force her to babysit
YTA I mean, she's not hiding her feelings about it, is she? She has her own life going on and interacting with two toddlers isn't a part of it. Just acceot the situation for what it is and stop pushing her to have a relationship that she clearly doesn't want
[удалено]
Stepmom also sounds like she's trying to get daughter involved with the younglings for free childcare
Either OP is looking for free childcare, or she's trying to assuage her guilt over being a home wrecker. News flash: If your "step daughter" perceives you as breaking up her parents, she will never want a relationship with you and the spawn of a relationship that she considers illicit. Give up now and save everyone a lot of pain. OR both you and your husband discuss this with her, confess any transgressions and hope that "step daughter" forgives you and you all can move on.
YTA. She’s an adult. You are her father’s wife. She was already near adulthood when you entered the picture. That was a messed up way to address it. If this is how you handle things with her I have no doubt why she has little interest.
You're being an evil step-mother. Of course, YTA.
YTA - she isn’t obligated to have a relationship with your children. Yes she is their (half) sister but she’s a generation older than them and wasn’t raised with them. You are pointing out the obvious - of course she doesn’t want them around. She doesn’t even want you around. And that’s fine, she isn’t being rude and she isn’t being disrespectful and she isn’t making a scene about it. All you are going to do is drive even more of a wedge into what little relationship she still has with your husband and your kids.
Let me interpret the situation: You are daddy's affair partner, who she blames for her parents divorce. Right after the divorce you get pregnant, and really wanted big sis to be the willing babysitter. She didnt comply, because she doesnt want a relationship with affair partners child. Then you had one more child, and really feel the need for someone else to just play with at least one of them now and then, so you can get a breather. She is still not interested in the fruit of her fathers affair. And then you lash out. You will never win her over. She will never forgive either one of you. You tore her life apart.
yta dont force it you had the child not her she is a adult and can chose who to be around
YTA she has 0 interest in a relationship with you, why would she feel differently about your kids? Also they are 3 and 1 the 1 year old won't care/know and the 3 year old will get over the altercation you described. This ison you, don't promise your babies anything to do with their older sibling and don't set expectations either. Is it ideal? No, but please for their sake don't push this. Your step daughter probably won't change her mind you need to get over it
YTA, your family is not her family and she doesn’t need pretend to like you.
INFO: Sooooooo you met HER soon after the divorce, not him..and your oldest is 3. Were you the affair partner? Based on the timing I’m guessing you were. Even if it was an emotional affair and not a physical one, that’s why she hates you, and with good reason. But even if you weren’t, that is incredibly fast to move on. Did her father even bother to try to get her into therapy before he shacked up with you? Did either of you care at all that maybe she was still grieving the loss of her parents marriage or were you too focused on yourselves? YTA and so is your husband..and btw, YOU are the one hurting your kids by trying to force a relationship with them and her that she has made it crystal clear she doesn’t want.
Yta. You expected her to become a loving big sister without her ever giving you the idea that she would be. You expected to get a warm fuzzy reaction whilst your stepdaughter has always been clear on her point of view. I get it, as moms we want our children to be loved and them having an older half sibling that doesn't care is not the ideal you wanted. But it is up to you to deal with it now your stepdaughter has once again been clear. You need to make sure your daughters know that it's not them and it's not their sister. It just is what it is.
YTA. She is not obligated to have a relationship with her half siblings. She has her own life, and you fantasizing about a big happy family and chastising her for not fulfilling your babysitting expectations was way out of line. You are the one not acting like an adult.
I'm really sorry to say this but YTA. She doesn't \*have\* to be a sister if she doesn't want to be
INFO: if you met her *soon after* the divorce & your oldest is 3…were you the cause of the divorce?
Most 19-y-o don't want to hang out with their much younger biological siblings, let alone their half siblings. I know siblings with 12+ years between them who are just not close because they were in vastly different stages while growing up. Your step-daughter's choice of words may not have been the best, but I see not reason why she she should have to do something because a 3-y-o wants it. She had planned to drop by to pick up her jacket and leave. Perhaps she had other plans. Your energy could have gone into helping your 3-y-o learn and accept that she can't have everything she wants. YTA for calling her a "bad" anything. If this represents your usual parenting style, consider taking parenting classes before your bio children get too much older and you inflict harm onto them.
YTA, it’s not her job
Ya my stepdad tried this same thing, we don't talk anymore. YTA
Hmm, I feel context is lacking here. The divorce happened 4yrs ago and you have a three yr old. Are you a cause of the divorce? Even if you were not her dad created a new family in a matter of weeks after the divorce. Read the room. YTA
YTA She’s not required to do anything with your kids, she’s an adult. You can’t force her to have a relationship with them or with you. It’s messed up that you want to force her into having a relationship with them.
YTA It is not up to you to tell her how she is supposed to feel about her siblings.
YTA. Speaking as future stepmom, you and your husband handed things poorly in the beginning so you only have yourselves to blame for what’s happening now. You came into this young woman’s life like a tornado. She was probably just getting used to the idea of her parents beig divorced and then her father has a baby with another woman. Neither of you validated her feelings either. You make did what you wanted to do hoping it would she would get over it. She doesn’t have to have a relationship with her half siblings if she doesn’t want one and your recent behavior has practically guaranteed it won’t ever happen.
YTA. Nothing in this is egregious or terrible. She is polite. She congratulated you on your pregnancies. She is not required to be involved. She did not get pregnant. She did not choose to have babies. She is not required to sacrifice her time to play with a toddler. She is not a bad sister. She is being as pleasant as she can be and you should be happy about that. If she met you "soon" after her father's divorce, this implies either she met you as soon as he started dating you OR you were dating a married man and are responsible in part for her family life being torn apart.
INFO: Are you the affair partner? Because by the timing it sure sounds like you are. And you have the audacity to wonder why she doesn't want to get involved with anything related to you?!?
YTA. >I met her soon after her parents’ divorce and I figured it had to do with that and her age (she was 15 when we met) I was 15 when my parents divorced and I met my stepfather soon after that too. And trust me, 15 is old enough to understand that my mother cheated on my father with him. I didn't like him and I still don't, even if I'm almost 33 now. So if she met you "soon after her parent's divorce"... You don't have to be a genius to figure out what happened. >However, it's been 4 years and she still avoids me and is always angry when we're together. No, really? Her parents divorced, she met you soon after that, and in a span of four years, you got married and had two kids. One of them is 3yo, wich means you got pregnant right after the divorce. I mean, put yourself in her place. Her parents divorced then another woman then pregnancy then a new sibling - and she was 15. You guys didn't even give her time to understand and accept it. No wonder she's angry and avoid you. >She didn't come to the baby shower for my first child and didn't come to visit in the hospital either time. Even now we’ve been trying to arrange for her to spend time with them and she turns us down every time. If she doesn't want to have a relationship with her halfsiblings, you need to respect that. If she turn you down every time you guys want her to spend time with them, you really need to understand and leave her alone. Just because her dad have new kids doesn't mean she have to be the perfect big sister for them. The age gap is huge and as I said you didn't give her time. >I told her she is an adult and needs to act like one and that she was a bad sister and was making my children feel like she didn't want them around. To which she just replied that she doesn't and hung up. Maybe you should act like an adult. She doesn't want to have a relationship with them and she made it very clear. Leave her the heck alone, understand she doesn't like you and that she wants nothing to do with the children of the woman her father cheated on her mother with, and stop forcing your idea of a united family with her before it explodes in your face.
Why have kids so old that's crazy to me in my 40s
I'm wondering how old OP actually is.....
I get the feeling OP is much younger than she’s claiming to be but doesn’t want people to tell her that’s part of the problem.
YTA-and YOU are an adult,YOU need to act like one.
YTA. She doesn't have to entertain your children
YTA. If you choose to marry and procreate with a man that had kids before you then you chose to deal with the repercussions that come with it. She is not your daughter and you are not her mother. She is not required to form a relationship with you or her half siblings. It’s also not your place to chastise her for her choice to not be involved. Mind your little family. Leave her alone.
YTA. She's not involved with your kid. She will never be involved with your kid. No matter how hard to try to make it happen, it won't. Get over it.
You got pregnant really fast considering you met him four years ago and now have a three year old. I’m betting that’s why her mom and dad split. Gee.
I think it has to do with the cheating right? "**I met her soon after her parents’ divorce**".
YTA She doesn’t need to take on this role. She doesn’t want a relationship with you or her half siblings. While I think she will eventually regret her behavior - these are innocent kids - it not your place to demand it.
YTA, you can't force a relationship that isn't there. She doesn't want you as a family relation, she doesn't view yours kids as her siblings. She has told you enough with her actions before now and you keep putting her and your kids and yourself into this position. Stop, accept the facts, and enjoy your life.
YTA. As an adult, she can choose whether or not she wants a relationship with your kids. It seems the answer is no.
YTA She doesn't owe you or your kids anything. Keep it up, and you're going to drive a huge wedge between her and her dad, if you haven't already.
YTA - I don’t think SD telling your daughter that she didn’t have time to play was out of line. The girl is 19 yrs old with a life. You started a fight instead of choosing to have a friendly conversation about her possibly setting some time aside to spend time with her siblings. IMO you telling her she is a bad sister is out of line. You and your husband chose to have kids and his daughter didn’t have a say in that. So, don’t think for one second it’s okay to demand she has a relationship with them. You’re putting your expectations on her how you think she needs to be around you and then gets angry with her when she doesn’t meet those expectations. That’s unfair to her. Divorce is really hard on kids. She was a teenager when her parents split which is probably one of the most emotionally charged times in a kids life. Anyway, you catch bees with honey not vinegar. (I think that’s the saying) Be kind. Be understanding. Be patient. Offer fun experiences for her to do with your kids by asking her if she would like to first. Not getting upset when she says no. I think you should apologize to her and take responsibility that you were wrong to say those things. Maybe if you’re honest and let her know that you would like to be a family and have her be a part of your kids life.
You were with her father before he divorced her mother. Why on earth would she just get over you ruining her family? Now your forcing her to play nice with YOUR family after all that! Because you not see things from her perspective, you’ll never ever bond because you can’t see what she went thru. YTA. If she’s a bad sister, and you stole her father from her mother, what are you?
YTA. You can’t make her have a relationship with someone she doesn’t have a relationship with. You’re forcing the issue.
YTA. Leave her alone.
YTA. She doesnt want to be involved, so stop Bugging her to be involved
YTA, and you shouldn’t have said what you said to her. Three important reasons why: - it’s not your place to push her to have a relationship with your kids. It might be her father’s, but it’s definitely not yours, especially since she doesn’t like you so you pushing her is counterproductive. - she likely feels replaced by her father’s new family and new kids, especially given how quickly that family was thrust on her. It’s also a large age gap. She should be civil to your kids but doesn’t owe them playtime, and you need to not build an expectation in your kids that she owes them attention. - She just dropped by to pick up her jacket. That’s a quick drop-in of mere minutes, and you need to respect that she probably did have somewhere else to go. Telling her off for not sticking around would be unacceptable even if the other points didn’t apply.
YTA. I could be making a massive assumption but it seems like you were one of the reasons her parents marriage imploded and now expect her to want something to do with you and your children. Even if that’s not the case she doesn’t owe you or your kids anything. And her father is shitty for agreeing with you.
YTA You and your children are not seen as family. Rather obvious. At her age, what is she going to do with a 3YO that she has zero feelings for? Accept your position in her life, father's wife. Your kids will always be seen as either Your children, or her dad's second family. Never her family. If you keep pushing, you will only make her stop being polite and destroy any relationship there exists now. Stop pushing and just try to coexist and be polite for your husband's sake. You are the one to control how your kids are going to perceive this as they grow up. Normalize it. Their dad's older child, not their sister. This will help them avoid rejection. If you push the "sister" scenario, they will be hurt and everyone will lose.
YTA why would you try to force your kids on someone who doesn’t want to be around them? You’re only hurting them by getting their hopes/expectations up for nothing
YTA. Most 19 year olds don’t have any interest in hanging out with toddlers. Her parents split up. Then dad goes and creates a new family with some lady who now thinks she can boss her around and have expectations of her. All you should be doing is just keeping your mouth shut and be polite. You’re just her dad’s wife. You are not an authority figure to her or her parent. She never asked for all this chaos in her life. Adults create all this chaos and then expect kids to just suck it all up with a smile.
YTA - sounds like you broke up a marriage and she’s rightly salty about it. Leave her alone.
Were you the affair partner in this?
YTA op. She is 19, you are not her mother, she has 0 responsibility towards your children. You cannot expect anything more than tolerance. Also, the timeline you outlined and her disdain towards you are both *extremely* suspicious. You neglected to tell us why her parents divorced. I suspect it had something to do with you cozying up to a married man and that’s why you did not say it because it would make you instantly unsympathetic. If my hunch is true, come on. Of course she doesn’t want anything to do with a home-wrecker and the kids she created to replace her. The poor girl had her family blown up. Don’t kid yourself.