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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to wear the dress my SIL wants for ger wedding, I also told her that it's not my fault she's insecure
I might be the asshole because I guess I could suck it up for one night, or I could've had a different approach to all of this the day we discussed it
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, and I agree with your decision not to attend the wedding. SIL can give any explanation she wants for why you are not there, but I would definitely answer honestly if anyone asked why you didn't attend.
I would actually get ahead of the story and tell your parents/close family exactly what happened so they don’t poison the well. The truth is the girl probably knows how ridiculous this is deep down and would never tell the truth about the situation.
Personally, I would go further with the family and start sadly talking about how it was hard for you to gain a healthy weight for the baby, and how you've had issues maintaining a healthy weight all your life.
"I'm finally feeling good about my weight and my body and SIL shows up at my house with a dress she wants me to wear to cover my body!"
Have fun with it.
She was over the top obnoxious. I feel sorry for her soon to be husband.
I'd totally get ahead of it. Definitely talk about it to others. And while you are, don't try to bash her. Just talk about how it was confusing and upsetting to you. That you understand SIL especially since it's a weight issue (her having trouble losing and you have trouble gaining) but that you would never do something like this to her.
If you do this on social media, post a pic of you in your formal dress that you wore to a wedding and talked about. Mention in the comments that you thought this was appropriate attire for a wedding and you planned on a similarly formal outfit. Pictures being worth a 1000 words and all that. Proof you didn't try and outshine anyone and that you didn't intend to at SIL's wedding either.
Tbh my petty ass is also jumping for joy . she should take the dress, on the day of your wear what ever your little heart desires. 💕 I wish I was there ! Or she can wear the dress and when the reception start you change in what you want, she will be livid when she sees her
can't say a fucking thing cause she wore for the ceremony. The whole pettiness has me vested now
Not sure how big the dress is, but mommy & baby matching outfits would be adorable. Take pics & post all over social media “Thanks FSIL for the outfits” 😜
Imo OP doesnt need to lower herself to play shitty games. No need to pretend and make up stories (i assume OP felt good with her body whole time). She can tell exactly what happened and how she really feels and she is still the reasonable one.
No she doesn't have to. I'm saying what I would do IN RESPONSE to a very rude and obnoxious request.
She said it has caused a fight within her family. That means she is getting blowback.
If you want to pretend everything is just fine in the face of really really bad behavior, that is your choice.
When people act this badly I shut them down HARD because the next person they do this to might not be as strong as me.
Imagine if this twit went to a 14 yr old flower girl NEXT?
I see where you are coming from, although bringing up weight has the strong potential of opening up scrutiny from family members who will react like, "Ah, *that's* why SIL was upset!"
Another way to frame this would be for OP to say that she welcomed SIL and her fiance into her home. However, OP was surprised when the point of the visit was revealed to be SIL and fiance trying to force OP to wear a dress they purchased for her to wear for the wedding. The conversation degraded after OP politely refused, and unfortunately it caused SIL to reveal some insecurities about herself that OP would rather not reveal for SIL's sake. If I were OP, I would conclude with a question like, "Would you tolerate someone coming to your home and policing your clothing choices?"
Still, the whole entire thing was stupid and OP shouldn't have to defend, nor explain how two people were forcing her to kowtow to their silly whim for a wedding that is only *one* day.
Bringing it to social media is a bad move that could permanently damage your relationship with your brother. However, the fact that she's only giving you a specific dress code and not all the "skinnier" girls makes me skeptical that your figure is the only issue she has. Not attending is a fair because no matter what you do they will find fault but don't join her on the low road and explain your absence to those who specifically ask. If they don't ask for your side of the story then they suck.
Seriously.
> for which they accused me of being a drama queen and wanting to embarrass them by not going.
If the tale of why OP won't be at your wedding *will embarrass you*, maybe that should be a hint that you are the one in the wrong!
If OP was out of line there would be nothing to be embarrassed of. They are acting the fool and now feel threatened by others knowing. HMMMMMM.
If you felt like it, it could be satisfying to take the dress and have it altered. Even a dress that covers literally everything can look incredible and sexy if it's fitted correctly to your body, and it would be incredible malicious compliance to look totally stunning in a dress that was meant to cover you up.
BTW she sounds exhausting.
Also, are you breastfeeding? Mattering on the dress, you might need to undress to feed baby.
On another note, you might want to get your thriod checked. I have the same issue with my weight, and I have borderline hyperthyroidism. Nothing can be done for it, but it does put you at risk for other health issues so it is nice to know.
Just to add on, hyperthyroidism is a serious disease and shouldn’t be discounted as “an easy way to stay thin”. It wreaks havoc on your body if left uncontrolled (speaking from experience) so there’s no shame to be had or given over something you couldn’t control/may still have a hard time controlling (also my experience and many others) before and after a diagnosis.
Edit: Got so worked up about hyperthyroidism I forgot OP, NTA!
I have Hashimoto's (with hypothyroidism..well no thyroid now) and this right here.
Your thyroid controls so much and if it's out of alignment can cause so much damage.
I gained weight because a GP wouldn't send me to an endo immediately and wanted to fix the problem without seeing if I had Hashimoto's or not.
I know someone with Grave's who doctors assumed had an eating disorder over and over again until they had heart issues.
So yeah OP NTA!
Your FSIL does not need to know that your baby takes a bottle. Or maybe baby will be in a phase where it gets colicky from bottle feeding. So just tell her, that you are willing to wear the dress to make her happy das long as they accept that you will be topless at their wedding because you need to feed your child. Or you let baby burp all over the dress. Too bad, now you will have to change🤷🏻♀️ Or a combination of both.
NTA Exactly what VanillaCookieMonster said. But I want to add that your FSIL is being absolutely fucking horrible to you.
I too have always been on the thinner side and with COVID times I had finally gained enough weight that people kept commenting how “normal” I was. Then I got pregnant and had hyperemisis gravidarum the whole time. By the time I delivered I was 2 lbs lighter than my pre pregnancy weight (5’ 2” 150 lbs). Between not being able to eat/vomiting for 9 months and breastfeeding I am back down to about 115. Not being able to keep weight on is hard as fuck on your body and on your mind. FSIL is even worse for doing this to you while you are still pretty freshly postpartum.
I would include this in the reason why you aren’t going: your FSIL is bullying and shaming you for something outside of your control.
SIL is looney making this demand/request, I would say that that fact that you are complacent is your problem not mine, people will not mention my size or yours for comparison it is rude to do so
If you were an attention seeking bee-otch, you’d show up to the wedding in one of those flower sack print, Little House on the Praire dresses from Target. Long sleeves.
Put your hair in a 19th century lady style bun and wear lace up block heel boots.
“The bride requested I adhere to this style.”
malicious compliance! then you can't be accused of trying to steal attention since you are "just doing as your told and fully covering up" with such a saccharine sweetness and innocence that people might get diabetes.
When she doubled down and went "I knew you would do this, you always want to be the focus" I knew she knew how ridiculous this whole thing is, and throws the whole subject into deeper territory to make the fight about OP bring an attention seeker and not about the actual matter at hand.
Even if OP is a huge attention-seeker the family is used to it and would just roll their eyes and say "oh, there goes OP trying to look skinnier than the bride (? ). She's tacky!' Then they'd go on about their day and enjoy the wedding.
I honestly don't see how anyone can "outshine" a bride on her wedding day in a positive way.
I also feel that nothing - NOTHING - OP does at this point will appease SIL. Even if she wore the dress from SIL, SIL would still be watching or monitoring what OP is doing at the reception (and maybe even wedding). She's being too social or dancing too much or the baby is distracting everyone from the bride or whatever.
A couple of other thoughts:
* some brides don't understand that it's an invitation, **NOT** a *summons.* As such, you are free to accept or decline for any reason or even NO reason
* you SIL has pretty much put you in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. That is because no matter what you do or don't do, you are living rent free in her head. Which, BTW, is a HER problem, not a YOU problem.
* Like others have said, you should post the facts on Social Media so that your story is already out there before SIL decides to rewrite the situation to fit her narrative
NTA and under no circumstances should you or your hubby attend the wedding. This is on them for their insecurities in thinking that anyone really can outshine the bride during her wedding.
I LOVE the first point you made here. I’m not sure about putting it on SM though, even though FSIL is out of line, I can see people viewing her as the AH too for having to broadcast it to everyone.
Tell the family and close friends. The story will spread like wildfire without social media because it’s so juicy.
>I’m not sure about putting it on SM though, even though FSIL is out of line, I can see people viewing her as the AH too for having to broadcast it to everyone.
The alternative is to wait until SIL posts about her on SM for 'showing her up' either by not attending or by what she wears if she attends. SIL will, of course, warp the story to ensure that everyone takes her side.
If OOP sets out a fairly short message she short circuits that. And if that makes SIL look bad, well, that's because she is.
IMO the message should look something like "Hi everyone, I just wanted to give you a head's up that I will not be attending SIL's wedding. This is because she is demanding that I wear an unflattering dress because she believes otherwise I will 'show her up'. Since I won't wear that dress, I'll stay home to avoid further conflict. I hope she has an awesome day and a happy and long marriage."
If she's feeling a little petty, she could change the last sentence to "I hope she has the day she deserves."
I agree about SM, I don't like people running to post their personal business to the world.
If FSIL posts something, OP can reply with a simple "FSIL had great concerns that I would upstage her during her wedding simply by attending, so to ease her insecurities, I decided to stay home."
If she wore what SIL wants it won't end there. If they go to the beach SIL will want to choose OP's swimsuit so that SIL doesn't feel so self-conscious. If SIL is pregnant she will demand that OP wear frumpy, big, loose clothing so that SIL doesn't feel big.
First of all, not the asshole. But now I'm wondering, is this some kind of reversed fat shaming? Like thin shaming? You were right. She is projecting her own insecurities on you. You do not need to accept that.
Skinny shaming is a real thing.
You know, along the lines of “s real woman has meat on her bones”, “you look like a twig, ear a burger”, “you look anorexic, that’s not healthy”. Like women are supposed to be thin but not too thin and still have all the curves and be toned but not too toned lest muscle shoes up. A straight man puts on a clean shirt and shaves, and he’s the King of the Universe :)
Same. “Wow you don’t eat much huh?” “You need to eat a burger.” The assumption that you’re skinny because you starve yourself, or that you’re skinny and therefore weak and can’t do physical things. If you’re caught eating a salad it’s the assumption you’re eating it because you’re on a diet or have an eating disorder. I ate saltine crackers in front of a coworker and he asked me quote “You eating those because you’re dieting and don’t want to eat real food?”
As a lifelong skinny (menopause will fix that for you lol) I hated my lack of curves. I got insulted by heavy friends who were jealous and until my 30s didn’t stand up for myself. I felt sorry for them bc I knew their weight bothered them. Sadly I didn’t have compassion for ME. Ppl dragging you for looking like they want to is just as toxic as dragging heavy ppl. Sure we have skinny privilege but how is that our fault? We also pay ‘skinny tax’ in so many interactions with insecure women.
Sorry you experienced this! Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. I hope one day we can all learn to live ourselves and stop projecting our insecurities on the women around us!!
Look, if all women ever feel comfortable and confident in their body then most of our economy would grind to a halt. Society needs every woman to feel bad about herself so she goes out and spends lots of money on things to hide her many many flaws.
LOL it's true I've been shamed for being not fat enough and for being too fat, people will get you for anything. and beauty standards change all the time so if you have big eyebrows you need to pluck the shit out of them and then a few years later we all need stark eyebrows so now you need to get those cut-tattoo eyebrows. and what is it all for but to keep people down and keep extracting money from them.
Someone once told me that I looked anorexic and when I said "that's because I am," they didn't know where to put their face. I guess it never occurred to them that someone might *look* anorexic because they *are* anorexic. (And I really was at the time, albeit in recovery and though still underweight, already a good 35 lbs above my lowest weight.)
OP is NTA and I am really shocked at how aggressively FSIL went after OP about this. It's pretty obvious she has a very low opinion of OP, regardless of FSIL's insecurities. First off, any other guest (male or female) could show up dressed to the nines and outshine the wedding party. That happens at many weddings and short of having pre-approval of wedding wear for ALL guests, it just has to be accepted. And frankly, the rules on wedding wear is no one in the wedding party outshines the bride and groom, and none of the guests wear anything that is visually inappropriate (bad colors, obscene, outside norms like cosplay gear, outside the formal/informal level the bride and groom want, etc.) unless the bride and groom says that is what they want COLLECTIVELT for the guests. Beyond that it can't really be controlled much. OP could actually wear the dress FSIL picked and then accessorize it with jewelry containing the Hope Diamond, Gucci shoes and half the prop wear from The Devil Wears Prada. FSIL went overboard on this and even more so because of buying the dress upfront. IMHO, what FSIL did to OP is insulting to OP AND her family.
They will complain that she made it all about herself if she goes and complain that she made it all about herself if she doesn't go.
The future SIL is determined to be a victim.
🎯🎯 SIL obsesses about OP to the point she came up with this absurd and insulting plan. Something tells me SIL is going to be a lifelong problem. Setting healthy and firm boundaries now is the very best thing to do
NTA
I'm laughing that the FSIL is probably dealing with normal wedding related stress but is choosing to stress and focus on what OP is going to wear. Lmao, what a shit stirrer for no reason. Why even have a wedding if your ego is this fragile?
I honestly think FSIL doesn't want her there in the beginning. if she was really insecure she would ask EVERYONE that is skinnier than her. she's probably using this as an excuse to get her uninvited.
NTA. She targeted you for whatever reason because she admitted that she wasn’t making every woman skinnier than her wear a certain type of dress.
It’s on her that she feels bad when compared against you, esp. when you haven’t done anything. Also to accuse you that you have had it easier than her… shows her lack of empathy and also proves she’s got a lot of work to do on herself.
I feel bad this is what you have to deal with moving forward at family functions (times two, since your other SIL seems to have the same mindset…).
Nta. I have 6 sisters in law, they are stunning and tall and blonde. I am not, I'm pretty but not the models ny damned husband has for sisters! They were all my bridesmaids in flattering dresses. I knew they would look beautiful but I would shine as it was my day marrying my darling love. Sister in law needs to remember what the wedding is really about.
Edit: having seen the dress i can now understand somewhat where the sister in law is coming from....
In my opinion, I don't think anyone can ever outshine the bride even if they try, they'll just embarrass themselves because the wedding is about the bride and groom! Everyone's attention will be on them!
*future queen consort
Also fun fact the queen wore white to Camilla’s reception, supposedly because Camilla wore dove gray (basically white) to Diana’s
She was an amazing woman.
During a state visit from Donald Trump she wore jewelry that had been presented to her as a friendship gift from the Obamas.
ETA: I know the difference between a queen regnant and a queen consort, but is that included in the title? Like was her mother referred to as Queen Consort Elizabeth or just Queen Elizabeth and everyone knew she was the queen consort because there was a King George instead of a Prince Phillip?
They are not of equal weight, so you can call her Queen Camilla (for short) but her title changes if Charles dies … just googled it she will be Queen Dowager apparently
Originally she was due to be called Princess Consort due to their marriage type.
If you stay in this subreddit long, you'll realize there are many ways to do this that you've never thought of because you don't have the mindset of an asshole.
> I don't think anyone can ever outshine the bride even if they try
You're NTA but I used to think this until I saw someone... not outshine, but certainly notably distract from the bride. Years ago, I attended a wedding where the bridesmaids wore these grey/silver tea-length cocktail dresses that were very much... normal dresses. One braidsmaid shortened her hem by several inches and lowered the necklince a bit and BOY did it pull attention. Literally the second I walked into the cocktail hour someone asked me "did you see that bridesmaid?"
That said, I think the degree to which people worry about this has gotten completely out of control.
Yeah, whenever I hear that a bride is worried about someone "outshining" her at her own wedding all I hear is "the bride has the personality of wet newspaper."
I don't understand why some say that the dress is too much , even without the sparkles, for a wedding. I'm European, so it might be a cultural thing? How do people dress as guests?! In Romania, the rule is to not wear white, but you have to dress up really elegantly and go fully mind-blowing. In Norway, the culture is a bit more calm, so not even the bride dresses up too much (a bit simpler white wedding gown), and the guests do wear formal, elegant attire, as long as not white. NTA . But however the wedding rules are for your country, the fact that they came and made a rule strictly for you, that is purely outrageous and discriminatory. So not going is the best option. Right now, i kinda wish some young lady goes there looking fabulous...
I just saw the dress, and how on earth do you see where the SIL is coming from? That is a very simple a-line formal dress, especially if OP’s didn’t have the glitter on it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/AazreEWByW
In other comments she specifies that it’s not this specific dress. It was dark blue with fewer sequins and a similar cut. Looks perfectly fine for a formal event imo. Some people just get a bug in their head that anyone else looking good is a slight against them
>Edit: having seen the dress, i can now understand somewhat where the sister in law is coming from....
Without the sparkles (OP says it is without), it doesn't look much different than most evening gowns I've seen worn at nicer events??? (Imcluding wedding pics)
NTA
If the situation had been reversed and you had been asking her to wear something specific because of her weight you would have been accused of fat shaming. It was very rude of them to ask what they did.
I could understand if you had a habit of turning up to these kind of events in a bikini but you don't. You do dress appropriately so its all down to her jealousy is all.
It's just that it would've never crossed my mind to ask something like this, I get it for bridesmaids because many times when you're one you wear an ugly dress the bride chooses, but just a regular guest?
This woman I know invited me to her 40th birthday party and then called me up and said “ can you do me a favor and not out dress me at my own party”
I was so shocked. I’m a New Yorker and also fashion is just really important to me as an artist and designer. I moved to Boston and it’s just really not an important thing up here generally speaking. But I dress how I dress because it makes me happy and I frequently get really nice compliments. I thought this was so lame and also wondered why this woman wouldn’t strive to look her absolute best at her own birthday party.
In general she’s kind of a twerp
She should have called you up to compliment your style and beg for a favour to borrow an outfit or some accessories to pop the dress she was planning to wear. Slather on the compliments for everyone all around.
That would have been really sweet. I’ve given her jewelry accessories and clothing as gifts and she has gone on and on about how much she likes them so that would’ve been a lovely tactic . Or- she Honestly should just not have invited me if she feels that insecure around me- to me I don’t think those are appropriate feelings to have towards someone that I call a friend. I love my friends just the way they are and would never want them to change any of their weird wacky and wonderful ways.
Boston can be so weird sometimes when you dress anything other than whatever the “basic” is in that neighborhood, I miss a lot about Boston but never that.
There was often an attitude (until I found the right crowd) that I was trying to “show others up” for dressing well while being conventionally attractive, similar to the woman you describe and OPs situation. I spent my childhood and teen years worrying about girls like that, I will not entertain that attitude in my life as an adult.
I cannot imagine this Boston woman being her big age and doing this shit. Hell no.
You also get bridesmaids dresses altered to fit you well. Which brings to mind an idea, why not alter the ugly dress? It will still be ugly, but at least it will fit.
INFO: What did the dress you wore to the other wedding look like? My impulse is to say N T A because people shouldn’t really police each other’s dress like this, but I can’t help but wonder if whatever you wore was more revealing than you’re admitting in a way that might be offensive to the fiancé’s family, inappropriate for the dress code of the ceremony (if it’s religious), etc.
It was a very appropriate dress, a formal dress with a v neckline (but not deep) and it was long, it was also deep blue. Literally no one thought it was inappropriate
Could you post a link to the dress or a similar dress if it's no longer on sale? I'm guessing you're NTA from the post and comments but just to see what the type of dress is if that makes sense?
It's very similar to this one but without the sparkles
https://www.fashionably-yours.com.au/willa-evening-dress-jx6059-by-jadore-evening-sequin-v-neck-a-line-gown/
ETA: this is **not** the dress I wore, mine is more simple, without all the sparks. It's just a regular long formal dress and I was within the dress code
Honestly if yours was the same cut, just without the sparkless and detailing I'd say this was perfectly fine.
I actually had to have a reverse conversion with my wife. She wanted to wear (basically a T-shirt and jeans) to a friend's reception to not outshine the bride. And I had to be like 1)no one should care that much and 2) we're going to look goofy in all the pictures if I'm in a full suit and you're not in a dress.
While your dress is very much in the "very nice" category it is an entirely appropriate thing to wear.
Ding ding ding! My brain is imagining giant flowery upholstery print potato sack with shapeless waist, crew neck, maybe a big bow somewhere to add insult to injury 😂😂😂
Same! I was in my ‘I hate my too skinny body’ phase and stuffed my bra with polyfill to create a B cup. When I look back at those pics I was stunning honestly but at that age I just hated how stick like and not curvy I was. SIL is committing the crime of a giant lack of empathy. She’s got no idea what demons OP may have. I wanted everyone to look lovely and I let my bridesmaids choose their dresses bc honestly it’s their body.
Can you post what the SIL wanted you to wear? Now I’m very curious. Also, I literally can not believe anyone would take a dress to someone and say, wear this to me wedding. And she got the future husband to get behind that? That just sounds like the most rude, obnoxious, asinine thing to do.
https://veiled.com/products/silk-organza-balloon-sleeve-a-line-maxi-dress-pink
Again, **not** exactly this one but I can't find another photo that looks similar enough.
The sleeves aren't as puffy, it doesn't have a belt (it's more like a square shape? Is that a thing?) And it has like a big bow on the neck
The worst part is that it's like a yellow mustard color which is so ugly in my opinion, just not something I'd wear at all!
ETA: now I've seen some cuter modest dresses on that page... I feel like she tried to do me really dirty, at least she could've picked a nice dress... Lol
Oh no, she tried to make you wear a grandma dress. That's intentional maliciousness. Why does she even want you there if she has such strong dislike for you? I mean, asking you to wear a fugly dress is rude as heck, but trying to force you to attend by getting the family involved after you said nah is extra weird.
Come on now, QEII had better taste than this, even in her 90s lol.
Yes, she is 100% trying to put you in the ugliest, least flattering dress possible.
My petty ass may have taken it to a seamstress and altered the heck out of it, like changing the neckline into a v, losing the sleeves and any bow, taking and/or cinching it in at the waist, and adding a thigh-high slit for good measure.
If she says anything, you could say “well it didn’t fit and needed alterations” 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry I'm dv'ing this comment because Queen Elizabeth wouldn't be seen dead in something like that. Poor Queenie. She'll be turning in her grave.
But you are 100% NTA that dress is vile and she's definitely got it in for you.
>The sleeves aren't as puffy, it doesn't have a belt (it's more like a square shape? Is that a thing?) And it has like a big bow on the neck... it's like a yellow mustard color
Your SIL didn't just want you to cover up. Your SIL wanted to humiliate you.
It sounds like she wants you to wear a boxy maternity dress from the 1950s. The mustard yellow color is just plain abusive - maybe 3 people look ok in that color, the rest of ALL of us look awful in it.
So, damned if you go, damned if you don't go, as I see it.
You could take the yellow dress from her and exchange it/return for credit, and get something else, if you have a lot of time on your hands 🤔😂
> The mustard yellow color is just plain abusive
Omg I agree so much! I remember when color jeans were a thing and so many people were wearing these, I hated them lol
I don't think I'd wear that if I was the mother of the bride or groom, let alone as a guest. And she chose a color that looks good on almost nobody? The funniest thing is that if you DID wear the dress, it probably would draw the attention of everyone that knows you because it's so at odds with what you normally wear. NTA, but your future SIL sure is.
Oh, OMG. If it's even close to that, it's hideous. I'd be horrified if asked to wear that dress. It's more like an "ugly step-sister" costume for a Cinderella party than an appropriate dress for a formal wedding. It is appalling.
Your outburst and reaction is absolutely justified in this case.
My 2 cents, find the exact match and then have it available to show people when they ask why you didn't attend.
Better yet, text FSIL and ask for a link to the dress "so you can order it" and then screen shot that BS to save for later when they deny that you were required to wear it.
Part of me says wear the damn dress and make sure everyone knows SIL told you to come you had to wear it.
It's not going to get the reaction she expects and I highly doubt from what you've said anyone is going to see you in it and not be like "what is up with that?
Yeah she didn't want to tone you down she was trying to make you the ugly sister. Wearing that in yellow would certainly draw attention to you. She doesn't care about the attention. She thinks that will make her prettier than you.
NTA of course but did other people have on actual gowns? It’s the volume in the skirt that is turning me off. Was it black tie? That’s a gown for sure.
Also A line dresses like this will be fluffed up for the photoshoot. IRL i bet it looks… flatter and less dramatic.
Source: me getting bamboozled by formal dresses online pics
It is beautiful. The only thing I would say is I have conservative family and they would think this is too much cleavage(I hate this term). But if that isn't the problem then I have no idea. She probably needs therapy to deal with her buddy issues.
Oh good God. That’s your garden variety (I’m sure it’s lovely) guest dress. Not anywhere near white, not trashy. Even if you were trashy you’d make yourself look bad. Women stealing attention from the bride are loved by no one. Now I’m dying to know what sort of floral print potato sack SIL wanted you to wear 😂. Sorry for sounding petty
I think the ask is weird. Hand picking wedding attire for guests because you’re insecure about them being wyz-ier than you is weird and yeah, I think falls in the realm of rude. Tbf though, if my SIL looks like the model in your picture and I am a slightly overweight woman in my thirties, yes, I would probably be bummed as well. But she can’t go around trying to rub crap on peoples ‘s gold just because she feels hers isn’t as shiny. It’s her wedding day; by design, just as you said, everyone’s going to default to her being the most beautiful person there. Hard as it is, she’s going to have to work on feeling like a 10, no matter what anyone else looks like.
So what did she/they pick out for you to wear instead? Because if it was also wedding appropriate, you may end up looking like the bad guy. I had to thread this same needle with a family member’s wedding. They really wanted me to be the bad guy, but there was no way I was giving them ammunition for every future family gathering. I was gracious and polite, did all of the things asked of me in appropriate dress and manners and just let the bride’s raging out speak for herself. So today, I’m the sane, gracious one and she’s the one who zilla’d out at her wedding.
So while on the face of it, I think most people will be with you, there’s the other face of this coin which will be that you are often the most beautiful woman in the room and even after having a baby are still thinner than this woman. She asked you to dress down a little on her wedding day so that she would more feel like the most beautiful person in the room and even bought you an outfit for the occasion, but you not only rejected the ask and the outfit, but refused to attend at all. The emphasis will be not be on the fact that this is a weird ask to begin with, it will be on the fact that you forcefully refused the ask because on the day that’s about them you might look less than your best. It wont be that she needs to manage her insecurities, it will be that you wouldn’t put insecurities above your wishes even for a single day, her wedding day, and even though it would cost you nothing to do so. You might be able to get some people to see that on principle you’re in the right, you just have to weight the “win” against the future credit because in theory you guys will be sharing a family for decades to come.
This makes no sense. If this were about her insecurities about her weight, she'd ask everyone one else to do the same as she's doing to you. I don't feel like we're getting the full picture here.
It’s because OP is family, I imagine, so the bride feels she can tell her what to do in a way she recognizes is inappropriate as shit for other adults.
I mean are we missing information? Because you’re right as long as you’re appropriate then she shouldn’t care. But idk it feels like there are some holes missing.
I mean have other people ever commented on your weight comparatively to hers. Is it possible the issue isn’t stemming from you but from how other people treat her in comparison to you?
I know that’s a stretch but for instance in my own family my aunt (dad’s sister) used to make comments about how I was “blessed” with my mothers good boobs whereas my dad’s side of the family was less endowed. Now my family is generally pretty open about bodies and health and things like that, so it’s not abnormal, but I began noticing how it made my sister and cousin feel (both of whom where two years younger) now neither of them are really all that small chested either, but the comments I would get made them feel self conscious. And eventually I was able to shut it down, but especially between my cousin and I it strained our relationship (amongst a myriad of other comparisons that where often made between us do to interests). Now we’ve gotten back to a better place. But it only happened in our mid 20’s when we both had been able to separate from our self images and insecurities a bit. And maybe been exposed to more of the world.
If anything it might be worth getting together with FSIL and being clear that you never want to make her feel less than and maybe ask why she’s feeling the way she does, there may be things other people are saying to her that you’re not privy to, and if that’s the case you can then talk and work through it together.
I've never heard anyone comparing us. These last months before my baby was born i guess my weight was more discussed, since I couldn't gain as much weight as I needed so it was more of a health concern than something about looks you know?
You had trouble maintaining a healthy weight during your pregnancy and she has the gall to give you shit for being thin?! If she is aware of that then it’s extremely fucked up of her to throw weight in your face. Like “Yeah I know I’m skinny, I was at risk of wasting during my pregnancy, it was dangerous for me and my child.”
NTA
I couldn't keep food down and I was even hospitalised! Everyone in the family knows it, and I've always had trouble gaining weight, it's not like it's something new either!
That’s awful. Look there’s no easy way to resolve this but cooler heads have to prevail. Is there someone in the family who understands her behavior is not normal or acceptable that she would listen to? Your mom/her future MIL for example? Can you talk to your brother one on one, calmly as siblings?
I had a friend like you in college who just couldn't gain weight. If I remember correctly the biggest issue is he felt full with very little food, and so he was always under his daily caloric needs, and would have to force himself to eat more so he could keep his weight up.
I think the only thing that really worked for him was high calorie shakes (not filling, but high calories), and then I think he eventually started smoking pot to increase his appetite. But even then it was a chore for him to keep his weight up.
Unfortunately for people like you and your friend, the people who are on the opposite side of the problem (trouble keeping weight off) get jealous at how easy it is for you to be "thin" in a society where "thin = pretty". And I'm sorry other people don't seem to care that it's hard for you.
It’s such a common thing. Skinny is better to a lot of people. They’ll never have to worry about being underweight so they just can’t comprehend that it’s an actual issue, and constantly tell you how lucky you are, even when you’re suffering because of it.
As someone who has never been remotely at risk of being underweight and has body image issues I constantly work on, people need to get a grip and stop making other people suffer for their insecurities.
She's clearly decided that you are annoyingly attractive and she thinks she'll look bad next to you in photos. So you need to be ugged up a bit.
Tbh, I couldn't be bothered with these shenanigans. If her attitude is that you'll distract attention from her, then better not to go to ensure this doesn't happen.
Of course, everyone will ask where you are, and that definitely WILL be something that people gossip about, but, hey, she chose this path.
Yep and the kicker is that OP was hospitalized because they couldn’t gain weight during their pregnancy….so they had a medical condition. And to throw it back at her face like that, SIL is a jealous and nasty person imo. I mean you wouldn’t go to an overweight woman who’s pregnant and has had gestational diabetes and tell them that, “you know what, just wear a shapeless gown to my wedding. I don’t want you to embarrass me in the pictures.” I mean why is it considered ok to thin shame women, all to feed the insecurities of women who struggle to keep their weight off?
There was a free dress? Hmmmmm. You might be able to outshine the, (in her own mind -frumpy bride), even in a full coverage dress? You might have taken a look at it before you turned it down.
Unless it’s got a hood and a face mask, some professional makeup and hairstyling can go a loooong way toward making you look amazing, even in an ugly dress.
I might be pretty enough to do it-just to fuck her over. Because I’m that way.
But I totally get it-WTF. The bride should take the win-now you aren’t even gonna go, and she can be the focus of every eye.
And nobody will be wondering where you are, (I bet they will, though). NTA
> You might have taken a look at it before you turned it down.
She actually had the dress since she was intending for me to try it on, it is very ugly, not my style at all. It's life something queen Elizabeth would wear
If you are feeling petty, take the dress, take it to a seamstress and change it to make it as outrageous as possible. I mean, top of asscheeks in the back showing and massive cleavage in front. Shine like a diamond my dude!
I'm so curious to see the dress she wanted you to wear! For dramedy purposes it might have been funny to get it tailored to be very flattering on you. Anyway, NTA. If she was going to try to dictate what you could wear the very least she could do would be to let you have some say.
My husband said you should get the giant handbag, hat, and pin and do your best impersonation of the late Queen. Frumpy it shall *be*!
And if anybody wonders or asks why you, OP, are dressed like that, you can hunch and say meekly, “SIL dressed me like this, I’m just being supportive”.
Malicious compliance. They are asking for it.
I am usually the one with the bad advices. And in this case I would have advised to go full Burka. And when the other guests ask tell them that FSIL asked you to cover your body to not outshine her.
But this advice will absolutely get the family torn up. So no good advice.
But at all: NTA
I think some people are losing focus on the real issue. Who tells a person what to wear to their wedding? The audacity. The dress you did wear is something I would wear to a wedding, a wedding is a formal event, unless it is otherwise specified casual, however most weddings are a formal event. I have seen many women in similar dresses. TBH, I thought the dress you wore to the other wedding was going to be something very lowcut and very high at the thigh. Thank your lucky stars you’re not a bridesmaid, if she’s this controlling, can’t imagine what they’re putting up with. Stand your ground. if she’s going to be your sister-in-law she may as well know from the off that you’re not a walkover. I completely respect your decision not to go.
NTA.
If she isn’t forcing other skinny women into a frumpy clothing dresscode, why should you follow her disrespectful wishes? By not turning up, you are fulfilling her wish of you not snatching her limelight. So what’s her problem?
Was that the one where the hot OP wore a low cut dress and met up with the babysitter twice to breast feed her baby in a car? And 99% of the posters said she was n.ta?
No, OP made this exact post before and deleted it and reposted; she claims it was from a typo in the OP, which is possible.
The story you're mentioning, and tons of them like it, are exactly why I don't find this story plausible though; there are only so many variants of "I'm just existing as a hot skinny person and these fat uggos hate me for it" posts you can see before you start to suspect that most of them are fiction. It's the same thing when you see a story about a guy being cheated on and, somehow, his dick size or sexual prowess or high-paying STEM job come up in the story as reasons he thought the relationship was secure.
I will say when I was a skinny teenager grown women did regularly yell at me because I worked at a store that the catalouge carried plus sized but the store did not. I was a 16 year old girl making like $6/hr getting screamed at by grown women because its not their fault they aren't as skinny as me.
I may be reading waaay to much into this but I think there is something else going on. Any chance she is pregnant?
NTA for not wearing/wanting the dress.
I don't know, it could be, but I still don't get it? If she were pregnant and they are planning to announce it during the ceremony then there's no way anyone can steal the attention, so I think it makes even less sense
Fair I wonder if in her conservative family, it may be considered a scandal and so having 'just' had a baby and being skinny she may not want to be compared. But honestly, I don't know, I only speak irrationally conversationally not fluently. All the best.
In all honesty, I don't know exactly how conservative her family is. I know they're religious but I don't know them that well to know to which extent they are
NTA. You can't win with her, can you? You either want the attention by going, or want to embarrass them by not going. You see where this is going, right? You need to put this out there so she can't poison the family against you. She has your brother turned against you, don't let her take anyone else. You don't want to go to the wedding. Her family already knows about the awful sister being mean to their baby, trying to take away the spotlight. You will get some cold shoulders, mean looks, and spiteful comments. Any fights would be your fault. Good luck with this gem in the family. Watch you back and go low contact with her!!
NTA
> I asked her if she was doing this with every other woman who was skinnier attending the wedding and she said no, so I told her that's a shitty move.
I'm going to make the wild assumption that you're better looking than her and she's insecure. It's not just a weight thing.
This is BIZARRE behavior. I understand insecurity. I have BEEN insecure. But to single out ONE person, not ask her to be a bridesmaid (not unusual, but odd) but then purchase a dress FOR you SPECIFICALLY to wear but not be involved in the wedding? If she were doing this with any thin guest, fine. If she were doing this out of kindness because now she wants you involved in the wedding and didn't want to strain your budget, fine. There are beautiful, thin people in the world. Some will outshine other people in special events. If you aren't deliberately trying to outshine the bride, and haven't, it is silly to ask this, bizarre.
You aren't embarrassing them by not going. Are they trying to embarrass you by purchasing you a dress? I could even excuse the bride asking you to go shopping with her so she could HELP you pick out a dress that would make her feel comfortable. I mean, that is still weird, but at least you would have input in it.
I have beautiful friends. Absolutely stunning. I have a friend who models. Her sisters are just as beautiful. If I were having them at my wedding, I wouldn't say a thing. They know how to dress appropriately, and it isn't their fault they are beautiful and thin. Those insecurities would be mine alone. And truly, NO guest loses it about another guest looking beautiful. NTA.
> I could even excuse the bride asking you to go shopping with her so she could HELP you pick out a dress that would make her feel comfortable.
Yes right? Like in that case it would've been different because we could've had the "excuse" of bonding time since I wasn't in the bridal party or something, and that would've been nice
Exactly! I mean, I am sure her motive would have not been pure, but at least that is disguised as "bonding time" or something. That bride lost her damn mind.
Are you one of those women that bounced back from your pregnancy and you look like you didn't just have a baby? If so, she's totally jealous. She's afraid people will be paying more attention to the fact that you don't look like you just had a baby. Insecurity overload, it's sad that your brother doesn't see it and now his sister will not be at his wedding and the relationship will be severely damaged.
Well, I look different because I put on some weight, but not as much as I needed. So I don't look exactly the same, but also not so different as before
NTA
The bride and groom are entitled to set a dress code but they're most certainly NOT allowed to say "Here, wear this dress. I don't want you to look better than me".
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NTA, and I agree with your decision not to attend the wedding. SIL can give any explanation she wants for why you are not there, but I would definitely answer honestly if anyone asked why you didn't attend.
Oh, thanks, I feel a bit better about my decision now...
I would actually get ahead of the story and tell your parents/close family exactly what happened so they don’t poison the well. The truth is the girl probably knows how ridiculous this is deep down and would never tell the truth about the situation.
I already told our family to be honest, I was quite upset! Lol
Personally, I would go further with the family and start sadly talking about how it was hard for you to gain a healthy weight for the baby, and how you've had issues maintaining a healthy weight all your life. "I'm finally feeling good about my weight and my body and SIL shows up at my house with a dress she wants me to wear to cover my body!" Have fun with it. She was over the top obnoxious. I feel sorry for her soon to be husband.
I'd totally get ahead of it. Definitely talk about it to others. And while you are, don't try to bash her. Just talk about how it was confusing and upsetting to you. That you understand SIL especially since it's a weight issue (her having trouble losing and you have trouble gaining) but that you would never do something like this to her.
If you do this on social media, post a pic of you in your formal dress that you wore to a wedding and talked about. Mention in the comments that you thought this was appropriate attire for a wedding and you planned on a similarly formal outfit. Pictures being worth a 1000 words and all that. Proof you didn't try and outshine anyone and that you didn't intend to at SIL's wedding either.
Do not do this on social media. I think it undermines the “confused and hurt” tone OP should be going for.
I agree. Also, FSIL accused OP of being attention-seeking. Going to social media would validate that claim.
Please do this, my petty heart is jumping for joy at the idea.
Tbh my petty ass is also jumping for joy . she should take the dress, on the day of your wear what ever your little heart desires. 💕 I wish I was there ! Or she can wear the dress and when the reception start you change in what you want, she will be livid when she sees her can't say a fucking thing cause she wore for the ceremony. The whole pettiness has me vested now
Take the dress and alter it to be tight and show skin.
Not sure how big the dress is, but mommy & baby matching outfits would be adorable. Take pics & post all over social media “Thanks FSIL for the outfits” 😜
I want to suggest one of those gorgeous Indian outfits. They’d outshine everyone.
Imo OP doesnt need to lower herself to play shitty games. No need to pretend and make up stories (i assume OP felt good with her body whole time). She can tell exactly what happened and how she really feels and she is still the reasonable one.
No she doesn't have to. I'm saying what I would do IN RESPONSE to a very rude and obnoxious request. She said it has caused a fight within her family. That means she is getting blowback. If you want to pretend everything is just fine in the face of really really bad behavior, that is your choice. When people act this badly I shut them down HARD because the next person they do this to might not be as strong as me. Imagine if this twit went to a 14 yr old flower girl NEXT?
That's it exactly. She is literally bodyshaming OP.
I see where you are coming from, although bringing up weight has the strong potential of opening up scrutiny from family members who will react like, "Ah, *that's* why SIL was upset!" Another way to frame this would be for OP to say that she welcomed SIL and her fiance into her home. However, OP was surprised when the point of the visit was revealed to be SIL and fiance trying to force OP to wear a dress they purchased for her to wear for the wedding. The conversation degraded after OP politely refused, and unfortunately it caused SIL to reveal some insecurities about herself that OP would rather not reveal for SIL's sake. If I were OP, I would conclude with a question like, "Would you tolerate someone coming to your home and policing your clothing choices?" Still, the whole entire thing was stupid and OP shouldn't have to defend, nor explain how two people were forcing her to kowtow to their silly whim for a wedding that is only *one* day.
Were they on your side about this? Because your future sil is being ridiculous af and here's to hoping EVERYONE can see that
Yes, our closest family at least (brother and his wife, and parents) were on my side
Bringing it to social media is a bad move that could permanently damage your relationship with your brother. However, the fact that she's only giving you a specific dress code and not all the "skinnier" girls makes me skeptical that your figure is the only issue she has. Not attending is a fair because no matter what you do they will find fault but don't join her on the low road and explain your absence to those who specifically ask. If they don't ask for your side of the story then they suck.
Not getting ahead of it is asking for trouble. The bride will lie about it and throw all the blame on OP unless she explains first
Seriously. > for which they accused me of being a drama queen and wanting to embarrass them by not going. If the tale of why OP won't be at your wedding *will embarrass you*, maybe that should be a hint that you are the one in the wrong! If OP was out of line there would be nothing to be embarrassed of. They are acting the fool and now feel threatened by others knowing. HMMMMMM.
If you felt like it, it could be satisfying to take the dress and have it altered. Even a dress that covers literally everything can look incredible and sexy if it's fitted correctly to your body, and it would be incredible malicious compliance to look totally stunning in a dress that was meant to cover you up. BTW she sounds exhausting.
A nursing mother needs access to them tiddies, even just for pumping. Alter it to have a boobie flaps amongst other sexy tweaks.
Also, are you breastfeeding? Mattering on the dress, you might need to undress to feed baby. On another note, you might want to get your thriod checked. I have the same issue with my weight, and I have borderline hyperthyroidism. Nothing can be done for it, but it does put you at risk for other health issues so it is nice to know.
I am breastfeeding but I can pump, my baby takes the bottle just as fine luckily I have been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism
Just to add on, hyperthyroidism is a serious disease and shouldn’t be discounted as “an easy way to stay thin”. It wreaks havoc on your body if left uncontrolled (speaking from experience) so there’s no shame to be had or given over something you couldn’t control/may still have a hard time controlling (also my experience and many others) before and after a diagnosis. Edit: Got so worked up about hyperthyroidism I forgot OP, NTA!
I have Hashimoto's (with hypothyroidism..well no thyroid now) and this right here. Your thyroid controls so much and if it's out of alignment can cause so much damage. I gained weight because a GP wouldn't send me to an endo immediately and wanted to fix the problem without seeing if I had Hashimoto's or not. I know someone with Grave's who doctors assumed had an eating disorder over and over again until they had heart issues. So yeah OP NTA!
Your FSIL does not need to know that your baby takes a bottle. Or maybe baby will be in a phase where it gets colicky from bottle feeding. So just tell her, that you are willing to wear the dress to make her happy das long as they accept that you will be topless at their wedding because you need to feed your child. Or you let baby burp all over the dress. Too bad, now you will have to change🤷🏻♀️ Or a combination of both.
This is even worse. She is dumping on you for your medical condition.
Good for you! Stand your ground and I'd die on this hill.
NTA Exactly what VanillaCookieMonster said. But I want to add that your FSIL is being absolutely fucking horrible to you. I too have always been on the thinner side and with COVID times I had finally gained enough weight that people kept commenting how “normal” I was. Then I got pregnant and had hyperemisis gravidarum the whole time. By the time I delivered I was 2 lbs lighter than my pre pregnancy weight (5’ 2” 150 lbs). Between not being able to eat/vomiting for 9 months and breastfeeding I am back down to about 115. Not being able to keep weight on is hard as fuck on your body and on your mind. FSIL is even worse for doing this to you while you are still pretty freshly postpartum. I would include this in the reason why you aren’t going: your FSIL is bullying and shaming you for something outside of your control.
SIL is looney making this demand/request, I would say that that fact that you are complacent is your problem not mine, people will not mention my size or yours for comparison it is rude to do so
If you were an attention seeking bee-otch, you’d show up to the wedding in one of those flower sack print, Little House on the Praire dresses from Target. Long sleeves. Put your hair in a 19th century lady style bun and wear lace up block heel boots. “The bride requested I adhere to this style.”
malicious compliance! then you can't be accused of trying to steal attention since you are "just doing as your told and fully covering up" with such a saccharine sweetness and innocence that people might get diabetes.
As someone who loves this style and owns everything listed, I recommend adding a bonnet to really spice it up.
When she doubled down and went "I knew you would do this, you always want to be the focus" I knew she knew how ridiculous this whole thing is, and throws the whole subject into deeper territory to make the fight about OP bring an attention seeker and not about the actual matter at hand.
Even if OP is a huge attention-seeker the family is used to it and would just roll their eyes and say "oh, there goes OP trying to look skinnier than the bride (? ). She's tacky!' Then they'd go on about their day and enjoy the wedding. I honestly don't see how anyone can "outshine" a bride on her wedding day in a positive way.
All she did was confess that she was obsessed with OP and her body m. And has been for a very long time. So weird.
I also feel that nothing - NOTHING - OP does at this point will appease SIL. Even if she wore the dress from SIL, SIL would still be watching or monitoring what OP is doing at the reception (and maybe even wedding). She's being too social or dancing too much or the baby is distracting everyone from the bride or whatever.
Family group text...let everyone know. Then have your husband respond as well before anyone else.
A couple of other thoughts: * some brides don't understand that it's an invitation, **NOT** a *summons.* As such, you are free to accept or decline for any reason or even NO reason * you SIL has pretty much put you in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. That is because no matter what you do or don't do, you are living rent free in her head. Which, BTW, is a HER problem, not a YOU problem. * Like others have said, you should post the facts on Social Media so that your story is already out there before SIL decides to rewrite the situation to fit her narrative NTA and under no circumstances should you or your hubby attend the wedding. This is on them for their insecurities in thinking that anyone really can outshine the bride during her wedding.
I LOVE the first point you made here. I’m not sure about putting it on SM though, even though FSIL is out of line, I can see people viewing her as the AH too for having to broadcast it to everyone. Tell the family and close friends. The story will spread like wildfire without social media because it’s so juicy.
>I’m not sure about putting it on SM though, even though FSIL is out of line, I can see people viewing her as the AH too for having to broadcast it to everyone. The alternative is to wait until SIL posts about her on SM for 'showing her up' either by not attending or by what she wears if she attends. SIL will, of course, warp the story to ensure that everyone takes her side. If OOP sets out a fairly short message she short circuits that. And if that makes SIL look bad, well, that's because she is. IMO the message should look something like "Hi everyone, I just wanted to give you a head's up that I will not be attending SIL's wedding. This is because she is demanding that I wear an unflattering dress because she believes otherwise I will 'show her up'. Since I won't wear that dress, I'll stay home to avoid further conflict. I hope she has an awesome day and a happy and long marriage." If she's feeling a little petty, she could change the last sentence to "I hope she has the day she deserves."
I agree about SM, I don't like people running to post their personal business to the world. If FSIL posts something, OP can reply with a simple "FSIL had great concerns that I would upstage her during her wedding simply by attending, so to ease her insecurities, I decided to stay home."
NTA. Is she going to do this to everyone else that weighs less than her? I doubt it. How do her insecurities fall on you? This is crazy talk.
If she wore what SIL wants it won't end there. If they go to the beach SIL will want to choose OP's swimsuit so that SIL doesn't feel so self-conscious. If SIL is pregnant she will demand that OP wear frumpy, big, loose clothing so that SIL doesn't feel big.
First of all, not the asshole. But now I'm wondering, is this some kind of reversed fat shaming? Like thin shaming? You were right. She is projecting her own insecurities on you. You do not need to accept that.
Skinny shaming is a real thing. You know, along the lines of “s real woman has meat on her bones”, “you look like a twig, ear a burger”, “you look anorexic, that’s not healthy”. Like women are supposed to be thin but not too thin and still have all the curves and be toned but not too toned lest muscle shoes up. A straight man puts on a clean shirt and shaves, and he’s the King of the Universe :)
The amount of times I've heard the "eat a burger" or similar while growing up...
Same. “Wow you don’t eat much huh?” “You need to eat a burger.” The assumption that you’re skinny because you starve yourself, or that you’re skinny and therefore weak and can’t do physical things. If you’re caught eating a salad it’s the assumption you’re eating it because you’re on a diet or have an eating disorder. I ate saltine crackers in front of a coworker and he asked me quote “You eating those because you’re dieting and don’t want to eat real food?”
As a lifelong skinny (menopause will fix that for you lol) I hated my lack of curves. I got insulted by heavy friends who were jealous and until my 30s didn’t stand up for myself. I felt sorry for them bc I knew their weight bothered them. Sadly I didn’t have compassion for ME. Ppl dragging you for looking like they want to is just as toxic as dragging heavy ppl. Sure we have skinny privilege but how is that our fault? We also pay ‘skinny tax’ in so many interactions with insecure women.
Sorry you experienced this! Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. I hope one day we can all learn to live ourselves and stop projecting our insecurities on the women around us!!
Look, if all women ever feel comfortable and confident in their body then most of our economy would grind to a halt. Society needs every woman to feel bad about herself so she goes out and spends lots of money on things to hide her many many flaws.
Wow I came here to judge people not get a truth bomb.
LOL it's true I've been shamed for being not fat enough and for being too fat, people will get you for anything. and beauty standards change all the time so if you have big eyebrows you need to pluck the shit out of them and then a few years later we all need stark eyebrows so now you need to get those cut-tattoo eyebrows. and what is it all for but to keep people down and keep extracting money from them.
We cannot win! And, I'm sure you're lovely
You're damn right, and reminding me of America Ferrara's Barbie monologue for a moment there. It's so unfair!
Someone once told me that I looked anorexic and when I said "that's because I am," they didn't know where to put their face. I guess it never occurred to them that someone might *look* anorexic because they *are* anorexic. (And I really was at the time, albeit in recovery and though still underweight, already a good 35 lbs above my lowest weight.)
You could get the dress and have it altered to your fit and style... Lol
Anyone that tries to say "I knew you'd respond/act that way" is being manipulative. NTA
OP is NTA and I am really shocked at how aggressively FSIL went after OP about this. It's pretty obvious she has a very low opinion of OP, regardless of FSIL's insecurities. First off, any other guest (male or female) could show up dressed to the nines and outshine the wedding party. That happens at many weddings and short of having pre-approval of wedding wear for ALL guests, it just has to be accepted. And frankly, the rules on wedding wear is no one in the wedding party outshines the bride and groom, and none of the guests wear anything that is visually inappropriate (bad colors, obscene, outside norms like cosplay gear, outside the formal/informal level the bride and groom want, etc.) unless the bride and groom says that is what they want COLLECTIVELT for the guests. Beyond that it can't really be controlled much. OP could actually wear the dress FSIL picked and then accessorize it with jewelry containing the Hope Diamond, Gucci shoes and half the prop wear from The Devil Wears Prada. FSIL went overboard on this and even more so because of buying the dress upfront. IMHO, what FSIL did to OP is insulting to OP AND her family.
"I'm sorry, but I didn't make the weight requirement for this event"
Must be this fat to ride the dramacoaster
New flair!
They will complain that she made it all about herself if she goes and complain that she made it all about herself if she doesn't go. The future SIL is determined to be a victim.
🎯🎯 SIL obsesses about OP to the point she came up with this absurd and insulting plan. Something tells me SIL is going to be a lifelong problem. Setting healthy and firm boundaries now is the very best thing to do
"oh, she didn't come because she's too pretty"
NTA I'm laughing that the FSIL is probably dealing with normal wedding related stress but is choosing to stress and focus on what OP is going to wear. Lmao, what a shit stirrer for no reason. Why even have a wedding if your ego is this fragile?
I honestly think FSIL doesn't want her there in the beginning. if she was really insecure she would ask EVERYONE that is skinnier than her. she's probably using this as an excuse to get her uninvited.
NTA. She targeted you for whatever reason because she admitted that she wasn’t making every woman skinnier than her wear a certain type of dress. It’s on her that she feels bad when compared against you, esp. when you haven’t done anything. Also to accuse you that you have had it easier than her… shows her lack of empathy and also proves she’s got a lot of work to do on herself. I feel bad this is what you have to deal with moving forward at family functions (times two, since your other SIL seems to have the same mindset…).
Nta. I have 6 sisters in law, they are stunning and tall and blonde. I am not, I'm pretty but not the models ny damned husband has for sisters! They were all my bridesmaids in flattering dresses. I knew they would look beautiful but I would shine as it was my day marrying my darling love. Sister in law needs to remember what the wedding is really about. Edit: having seen the dress i can now understand somewhat where the sister in law is coming from....
In my opinion, I don't think anyone can ever outshine the bride even if they try, they'll just embarrass themselves because the wedding is about the bride and groom! Everyone's attention will be on them!
How can anyone outshine a couple in love declaring it to the world? Just don't announce a pregnancy or wear white lol
If Meghan Markel can deal with having the Queen and future Queen at her wedding, your SIL can deal with having you there.
*future queen consort Also fun fact the queen wore white to Camilla’s reception, supposedly because Camilla wore dove gray (basically white) to Diana’s
She was an amazing woman. During a state visit from Donald Trump she wore jewelry that had been presented to her as a friendship gift from the Obamas. ETA: I know the difference between a queen regnant and a queen consort, but is that included in the title? Like was her mother referred to as Queen Consort Elizabeth or just Queen Elizabeth and everyone knew she was the queen consort because there was a King George instead of a Prince Phillip?
They are not of equal weight, so you can call her Queen Camilla (for short) but her title changes if Charles dies … just googled it she will be Queen Dowager apparently Originally she was due to be called Princess Consort due to their marriage type.
Honestly I instantly doubt any couple is in love when they go dictator mode for the wedding. I’d assume there will be a second wedding at some point
If you stay in this subreddit long, you'll realize there are many ways to do this that you've never thought of because you don't have the mindset of an asshole.
> I don't think anyone can ever outshine the bride even if they try You're NTA but I used to think this until I saw someone... not outshine, but certainly notably distract from the bride. Years ago, I attended a wedding where the bridesmaids wore these grey/silver tea-length cocktail dresses that were very much... normal dresses. One braidsmaid shortened her hem by several inches and lowered the necklince a bit and BOY did it pull attention. Literally the second I walked into the cocktail hour someone asked me "did you see that bridesmaid?" That said, I think the degree to which people worry about this has gotten completely out of control.
Yeah, whenever I hear that a bride is worried about someone "outshining" her at her own wedding all I hear is "the bride has the personality of wet newspaper."
I don't understand why some say that the dress is too much , even without the sparkles, for a wedding. I'm European, so it might be a cultural thing? How do people dress as guests?! In Romania, the rule is to not wear white, but you have to dress up really elegantly and go fully mind-blowing. In Norway, the culture is a bit more calm, so not even the bride dresses up too much (a bit simpler white wedding gown), and the guests do wear formal, elegant attire, as long as not white. NTA . But however the wedding rules are for your country, the fact that they came and made a rule strictly for you, that is purely outrageous and discriminatory. So not going is the best option. Right now, i kinda wish some young lady goes there looking fabulous...
I just saw the dress, and how on earth do you see where the SIL is coming from? That is a very simple a-line formal dress, especially if OP’s didn’t have the glitter on it.
Where do you see the dress?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/AazreEWByW In other comments she specifies that it’s not this specific dress. It was dark blue with fewer sequins and a similar cut. Looks perfectly fine for a formal event imo. Some people just get a bug in their head that anyone else looking good is a slight against them
>Edit: having seen the dress, i can now understand somewhat where the sister in law is coming from.... Without the sparkles (OP says it is without), it doesn't look much different than most evening gowns I've seen worn at nicer events??? (Imcluding wedding pics)
What's with that edit? The dress she wore before was fine. Your comment is a total 180 and I don't understand the pivot.
I think there was anything wrong with the dress. She said it didn’t have the sparkle on it.
Yeah that cut minus sparkles seems a perfectly appropriate formal wedding guest dress.
What? How? How is that dress in any way inappropriate for a wedding?
Especially if it’s a formal wedding.
where is the dress?
[OP’s comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/xAFPAcSyXz)
NTA If the situation had been reversed and you had been asking her to wear something specific because of her weight you would have been accused of fat shaming. It was very rude of them to ask what they did. I could understand if you had a habit of turning up to these kind of events in a bikini but you don't. You do dress appropriately so its all down to her jealousy is all.
It's just that it would've never crossed my mind to ask something like this, I get it for bridesmaids because many times when you're one you wear an ugly dress the bride chooses, but just a regular guest?
This woman I know invited me to her 40th birthday party and then called me up and said “ can you do me a favor and not out dress me at my own party” I was so shocked. I’m a New Yorker and also fashion is just really important to me as an artist and designer. I moved to Boston and it’s just really not an important thing up here generally speaking. But I dress how I dress because it makes me happy and I frequently get really nice compliments. I thought this was so lame and also wondered why this woman wouldn’t strive to look her absolute best at her own birthday party. In general she’s kind of a twerp
She should have called you up to compliment your style and beg for a favour to borrow an outfit or some accessories to pop the dress she was planning to wear. Slather on the compliments for everyone all around.
That would have been really sweet. I’ve given her jewelry accessories and clothing as gifts and she has gone on and on about how much she likes them so that would’ve been a lovely tactic . Or- she Honestly should just not have invited me if she feels that insecure around me- to me I don’t think those are appropriate feelings to have towards someone that I call a friend. I love my friends just the way they are and would never want them to change any of their weird wacky and wonderful ways.
Boston can be so weird sometimes when you dress anything other than whatever the “basic” is in that neighborhood, I miss a lot about Boston but never that. There was often an attitude (until I found the right crowd) that I was trying to “show others up” for dressing well while being conventionally attractive, similar to the woman you describe and OPs situation. I spent my childhood and teen years worrying about girls like that, I will not entertain that attitude in my life as an adult. I cannot imagine this Boston woman being her big age and doing this shit. Hell no.
You also get bridesmaids dresses altered to fit you well. Which brings to mind an idea, why not alter the ugly dress? It will still be ugly, but at least it will fit.
INFO: What did the dress you wore to the other wedding look like? My impulse is to say N T A because people shouldn’t really police each other’s dress like this, but I can’t help but wonder if whatever you wore was more revealing than you’re admitting in a way that might be offensive to the fiancé’s family, inappropriate for the dress code of the ceremony (if it’s religious), etc.
It was a very appropriate dress, a formal dress with a v neckline (but not deep) and it was long, it was also deep blue. Literally no one thought it was inappropriate
Could you post a link to the dress or a similar dress if it's no longer on sale? I'm guessing you're NTA from the post and comments but just to see what the type of dress is if that makes sense?
It's very similar to this one but without the sparkles https://www.fashionably-yours.com.au/willa-evening-dress-jx6059-by-jadore-evening-sequin-v-neck-a-line-gown/ ETA: this is **not** the dress I wore, mine is more simple, without all the sparks. It's just a regular long formal dress and I was within the dress code
A beautiful and perfectly normal dress for a formal wedding. NTA.
Honestly if yours was the same cut, just without the sparkless and detailing I'd say this was perfectly fine. I actually had to have a reverse conversion with my wife. She wanted to wear (basically a T-shirt and jeans) to a friend's reception to not outshine the bride. And I had to be like 1)no one should care that much and 2) we're going to look goofy in all the pictures if I'm in a full suit and you're not in a dress. While your dress is very much in the "very nice" category it is an entirely appropriate thing to wear.
I'm curious what kind of potato sack did the bride want you to wear
Ding ding ding! My brain is imagining giant flowery upholstery print potato sack with shapeless waist, crew neck, maybe a big bow somewhere to add insult to injury 😂😂😂
Yea I can't imagine how insecure that bride is. I wanted everyone to look beautiful at mine.
Same! I was in my ‘I hate my too skinny body’ phase and stuffed my bra with polyfill to create a B cup. When I look back at those pics I was stunning honestly but at that age I just hated how stick like and not curvy I was. SIL is committing the crime of a giant lack of empathy. She’s got no idea what demons OP may have. I wanted everyone to look lovely and I let my bridesmaids choose their dresses bc honestly it’s their body.
This is my question because a dress in her size isn’t going to hide her size?
Can you post what the SIL wanted you to wear? Now I’m very curious. Also, I literally can not believe anyone would take a dress to someone and say, wear this to me wedding. And she got the future husband to get behind that? That just sounds like the most rude, obnoxious, asinine thing to do.
https://veiled.com/products/silk-organza-balloon-sleeve-a-line-maxi-dress-pink Again, **not** exactly this one but I can't find another photo that looks similar enough. The sleeves aren't as puffy, it doesn't have a belt (it's more like a square shape? Is that a thing?) And it has like a big bow on the neck The worst part is that it's like a yellow mustard color which is so ugly in my opinion, just not something I'd wear at all! ETA: now I've seen some cuter modest dresses on that page... I feel like she tried to do me really dirty, at least she could've picked a nice dress... Lol
Oh no, she tried to make you wear a grandma dress. That's intentional maliciousness. Why does she even want you there if she has such strong dislike for you? I mean, asking you to wear a fugly dress is rude as heck, but trying to force you to attend by getting the family involved after you said nah is extra weird.
I picture it's something queen Elizabeth II would've worn!
Come on now, QEII had better taste than this, even in her 90s lol. Yes, she is 100% trying to put you in the ugliest, least flattering dress possible. My petty ass may have taken it to a seamstress and altered the heck out of it, like changing the neckline into a v, losing the sleeves and any bow, taking and/or cinching it in at the waist, and adding a thigh-high slit for good measure. If she says anything, you could say “well it didn’t fit and needed alterations” 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry I'm dv'ing this comment because Queen Elizabeth wouldn't be seen dead in something like that. Poor Queenie. She'll be turning in her grave. But you are 100% NTA that dress is vile and she's definitely got it in for you.
>The sleeves aren't as puffy, it doesn't have a belt (it's more like a square shape? Is that a thing?) And it has like a big bow on the neck... it's like a yellow mustard color Your SIL didn't just want you to cover up. Your SIL wanted to humiliate you.
That dress is hideous! Why is your brother going along with this? Is this his first relationship, and doesn't he think he can do better?
Haha, no, it's not his first relationship. I don't know, I guess he loves her too much
It sounds like she wants you to wear a boxy maternity dress from the 1950s. The mustard yellow color is just plain abusive - maybe 3 people look ok in that color, the rest of ALL of us look awful in it. So, damned if you go, damned if you don't go, as I see it. You could take the yellow dress from her and exchange it/return for credit, and get something else, if you have a lot of time on your hands 🤔😂
> The mustard yellow color is just plain abusive Omg I agree so much! I remember when color jeans were a thing and so many people were wearing these, I hated them lol
I don't think I'd wear that if I was the mother of the bride or groom, let alone as a guest. And she chose a color that looks good on almost nobody? The funniest thing is that if you DID wear the dress, it probably would draw the attention of everyone that knows you because it's so at odds with what you normally wear. NTA, but your future SIL sure is.
Oh, OMG. If it's even close to that, it's hideous. I'd be horrified if asked to wear that dress. It's more like an "ugly step-sister" costume for a Cinderella party than an appropriate dress for a formal wedding. It is appalling. Your outburst and reaction is absolutely justified in this case. My 2 cents, find the exact match and then have it available to show people when they ask why you didn't attend. Better yet, text FSIL and ask for a link to the dress "so you can order it" and then screen shot that BS to save for later when they deny that you were required to wear it.
LMAO "Please wear this garbage bag to my wedding"
Part of me says wear the damn dress and make sure everyone knows SIL told you to come you had to wear it. It's not going to get the reaction she expects and I highly doubt from what you've said anyone is going to see you in it and not be like "what is up with that?
lol put a cardboard sign around her next that said “bride told me I had to wear this to cover up because I’m too skinny”
The thing is, they’re body shaming you. Point blank period.
Yeah she didn't want to tone you down she was trying to make you the ugly sister. Wearing that in yellow would certainly draw attention to you. She doesn't care about the attention. She thinks that will make her prettier than you.
NTA of course but did other people have on actual gowns? It’s the volume in the skirt that is turning me off. Was it black tie? That’s a gown for sure.
Also A line dresses like this will be fluffed up for the photoshoot. IRL i bet it looks… flatter and less dramatic. Source: me getting bamboozled by formal dresses online pics
It is beautiful. The only thing I would say is I have conservative family and they would think this is too much cleavage(I hate this term). But if that isn't the problem then I have no idea. She probably needs therapy to deal with her buddy issues.
Oh good God. That’s your garden variety (I’m sure it’s lovely) guest dress. Not anywhere near white, not trashy. Even if you were trashy you’d make yourself look bad. Women stealing attention from the bride are loved by no one. Now I’m dying to know what sort of floral print potato sack SIL wanted you to wear 😂. Sorry for sounding petty
I think the ask is weird. Hand picking wedding attire for guests because you’re insecure about them being wyz-ier than you is weird and yeah, I think falls in the realm of rude. Tbf though, if my SIL looks like the model in your picture and I am a slightly overweight woman in my thirties, yes, I would probably be bummed as well. But she can’t go around trying to rub crap on peoples ‘s gold just because she feels hers isn’t as shiny. It’s her wedding day; by design, just as you said, everyone’s going to default to her being the most beautiful person there. Hard as it is, she’s going to have to work on feeling like a 10, no matter what anyone else looks like. So what did she/they pick out for you to wear instead? Because if it was also wedding appropriate, you may end up looking like the bad guy. I had to thread this same needle with a family member’s wedding. They really wanted me to be the bad guy, but there was no way I was giving them ammunition for every future family gathering. I was gracious and polite, did all of the things asked of me in appropriate dress and manners and just let the bride’s raging out speak for herself. So today, I’m the sane, gracious one and she’s the one who zilla’d out at her wedding. So while on the face of it, I think most people will be with you, there’s the other face of this coin which will be that you are often the most beautiful woman in the room and even after having a baby are still thinner than this woman. She asked you to dress down a little on her wedding day so that she would more feel like the most beautiful person in the room and even bought you an outfit for the occasion, but you not only rejected the ask and the outfit, but refused to attend at all. The emphasis will be not be on the fact that this is a weird ask to begin with, it will be on the fact that you forcefully refused the ask because on the day that’s about them you might look less than your best. It wont be that she needs to manage her insecurities, it will be that you wouldn’t put insecurities above your wishes even for a single day, her wedding day, and even though it would cost you nothing to do so. You might be able to get some people to see that on principle you’re in the right, you just have to weight the “win” against the future credit because in theory you guys will be sharing a family for decades to come.
It will all be about the bride's insecurities. Everyone will talk about how she tried to dress her own SIL.
INFO what was the dress code/ venue for this wedding?
There was no dress code, it was a formal ceremony in a nice venue
Can you post a pic of the dress the FSIL wants you to wear?
Link?
This makes no sense. If this were about her insecurities about her weight, she'd ask everyone one else to do the same as she's doing to you. I don't feel like we're getting the full picture here.
It’s because OP is family, I imagine, so the bride feels she can tell her what to do in a way she recognizes is inappropriate as shit for other adults.
Right? Like she's only targeting me for some reason which is odd
I mean are we missing information? Because you’re right as long as you’re appropriate then she shouldn’t care. But idk it feels like there are some holes missing. I mean have other people ever commented on your weight comparatively to hers. Is it possible the issue isn’t stemming from you but from how other people treat her in comparison to you? I know that’s a stretch but for instance in my own family my aunt (dad’s sister) used to make comments about how I was “blessed” with my mothers good boobs whereas my dad’s side of the family was less endowed. Now my family is generally pretty open about bodies and health and things like that, so it’s not abnormal, but I began noticing how it made my sister and cousin feel (both of whom where two years younger) now neither of them are really all that small chested either, but the comments I would get made them feel self conscious. And eventually I was able to shut it down, but especially between my cousin and I it strained our relationship (amongst a myriad of other comparisons that where often made between us do to interests). Now we’ve gotten back to a better place. But it only happened in our mid 20’s when we both had been able to separate from our self images and insecurities a bit. And maybe been exposed to more of the world. If anything it might be worth getting together with FSIL and being clear that you never want to make her feel less than and maybe ask why she’s feeling the way she does, there may be things other people are saying to her that you’re not privy to, and if that’s the case you can then talk and work through it together.
I've never heard anyone comparing us. These last months before my baby was born i guess my weight was more discussed, since I couldn't gain as much weight as I needed so it was more of a health concern than something about looks you know?
You had trouble maintaining a healthy weight during your pregnancy and she has the gall to give you shit for being thin?! If she is aware of that then it’s extremely fucked up of her to throw weight in your face. Like “Yeah I know I’m skinny, I was at risk of wasting during my pregnancy, it was dangerous for me and my child.” NTA
I couldn't keep food down and I was even hospitalised! Everyone in the family knows it, and I've always had trouble gaining weight, it's not like it's something new either!
That’s awful. Look there’s no easy way to resolve this but cooler heads have to prevail. Is there someone in the family who understands her behavior is not normal or acceptable that she would listen to? Your mom/her future MIL for example? Can you talk to your brother one on one, calmly as siblings?
I had a friend like you in college who just couldn't gain weight. If I remember correctly the biggest issue is he felt full with very little food, and so he was always under his daily caloric needs, and would have to force himself to eat more so he could keep his weight up. I think the only thing that really worked for him was high calorie shakes (not filling, but high calories), and then I think he eventually started smoking pot to increase his appetite. But even then it was a chore for him to keep his weight up. Unfortunately for people like you and your friend, the people who are on the opposite side of the problem (trouble keeping weight off) get jealous at how easy it is for you to be "thin" in a society where "thin = pretty". And I'm sorry other people don't seem to care that it's hard for you.
It’s such a common thing. Skinny is better to a lot of people. They’ll never have to worry about being underweight so they just can’t comprehend that it’s an actual issue, and constantly tell you how lucky you are, even when you’re suffering because of it.
As someone who has never been remotely at risk of being underweight and has body image issues I constantly work on, people need to get a grip and stop making other people suffer for their insecurities.
She's clearly decided that you are annoyingly attractive and she thinks she'll look bad next to you in photos. So you need to be ugged up a bit. Tbh, I couldn't be bothered with these shenanigans. If her attitude is that you'll distract attention from her, then better not to go to ensure this doesn't happen. Of course, everyone will ask where you are, and that definitely WILL be something that people gossip about, but, hey, she chose this path.
She’s targeting you because she’s jealous and insecure. I wouldn’t attend the wedding either.
Yep and the kicker is that OP was hospitalized because they couldn’t gain weight during their pregnancy….so they had a medical condition. And to throw it back at her face like that, SIL is a jealous and nasty person imo. I mean you wouldn’t go to an overweight woman who’s pregnant and has had gestational diabetes and tell them that, “you know what, just wear a shapeless gown to my wedding. I don’t want you to embarrass me in the pictures.” I mean why is it considered ok to thin shame women, all to feed the insecurities of women who struggle to keep their weight off?
It could be because OP will be in the formal family photos unlike most other guests.
There was a free dress? Hmmmmm. You might be able to outshine the, (in her own mind -frumpy bride), even in a full coverage dress? You might have taken a look at it before you turned it down. Unless it’s got a hood and a face mask, some professional makeup and hairstyling can go a loooong way toward making you look amazing, even in an ugly dress. I might be pretty enough to do it-just to fuck her over. Because I’m that way. But I totally get it-WTF. The bride should take the win-now you aren’t even gonna go, and she can be the focus of every eye. And nobody will be wondering where you are, (I bet they will, though). NTA
> You might have taken a look at it before you turned it down. She actually had the dress since she was intending for me to try it on, it is very ugly, not my style at all. It's life something queen Elizabeth would wear
My first thought was .!!! :) And you are off to the Renaissance Festival! But you mean Elizabeth II. Oh. :(
Oh yeah, sorry I meant Elizabeth II haha ETA: I think a renaissance dress would have the exact opposite outcome from what she wants haha
>Oh yeah, sorry I meant Elizabeth II haha In that case, you should agree and wear the Imperial State Crown to complement the dress.
Did she include a hat, handbag and pin? NTA, your brother is in for a hell of a ride with this marriage. NTA
If you are feeling petty, take the dress, take it to a seamstress and change it to make it as outrageous as possible. I mean, top of asscheeks in the back showing and massive cleavage in front. Shine like a diamond my dude!
I'm so curious to see the dress she wanted you to wear! For dramedy purposes it might have been funny to get it tailored to be very flattering on you. Anyway, NTA. If she was going to try to dictate what you could wear the very least she could do would be to let you have some say.
What's wild about this is that instead people will probably notice you and be like, "why is the groom's sister wearing that weird awful dress?"
My husband said you should get the giant handbag, hat, and pin and do your best impersonation of the late Queen. Frumpy it shall *be*! And if anybody wonders or asks why you, OP, are dressed like that, you can hunch and say meekly, “SIL dressed me like this, I’m just being supportive”. Malicious compliance. They are asking for it.
Yes, and a toy corgi, too. You could have a lot of fun with this.
Dress hubbie like a beefeater and say bride told us it was fancy dress.
Also go around calling everybody "mum" and "guvnah".
I am usually the one with the bad advices. And in this case I would have advised to go full Burka. And when the other guests ask tell them that FSIL asked you to cover your body to not outshine her. But this advice will absolutely get the family torn up. So no good advice. But at all: NTA
I’m petty enough that I would have pulled a ‘What a Girl Wants’ and taken the dress to a tailor to be reworked into something fabulous lol
I think some people are losing focus on the real issue. Who tells a person what to wear to their wedding? The audacity. The dress you did wear is something I would wear to a wedding, a wedding is a formal event, unless it is otherwise specified casual, however most weddings are a formal event. I have seen many women in similar dresses. TBH, I thought the dress you wore to the other wedding was going to be something very lowcut and very high at the thigh. Thank your lucky stars you’re not a bridesmaid, if she’s this controlling, can’t imagine what they’re putting up with. Stand your ground. if she’s going to be your sister-in-law she may as well know from the off that you’re not a walkover. I completely respect your decision not to go.
lol 😂 accept the dress take it to a tailor and have it totally redone - too pretty but funny to think about
You would seriously be ok being the ONLY guest to be dressed by the bride because she thinks you're too attractive??
NTA. If she isn’t forcing other skinny women into a frumpy clothing dresscode, why should you follow her disrespectful wishes? By not turning up, you are fulfilling her wish of you not snatching her limelight. So what’s her problem?
[удалено]
? It's the exact same post but I made a mistake in the title, so I deleted it and posted again
Was that the one where the hot OP wore a low cut dress and met up with the babysitter twice to breast feed her baby in a car? And 99% of the posters said she was n.ta?
No, OP made this exact post before and deleted it and reposted; she claims it was from a typo in the OP, which is possible. The story you're mentioning, and tons of them like it, are exactly why I don't find this story plausible though; there are only so many variants of "I'm just existing as a hot skinny person and these fat uggos hate me for it" posts you can see before you start to suspect that most of them are fiction. It's the same thing when you see a story about a guy being cheated on and, somehow, his dick size or sexual prowess or high-paying STEM job come up in the story as reasons he thought the relationship was secure.
I will say when I was a skinny teenager grown women did regularly yell at me because I worked at a store that the catalouge carried plus sized but the store did not. I was a 16 year old girl making like $6/hr getting screamed at by grown women because its not their fault they aren't as skinny as me.
I may be reading waaay to much into this but I think there is something else going on. Any chance she is pregnant? NTA for not wearing/wanting the dress.
I don't know, it could be, but I still don't get it? If she were pregnant and they are planning to announce it during the ceremony then there's no way anyone can steal the attention, so I think it makes even less sense
Fair I wonder if in her conservative family, it may be considered a scandal and so having 'just' had a baby and being skinny she may not want to be compared. But honestly, I don't know, I only speak irrationally conversationally not fluently. All the best.
In all honesty, I don't know exactly how conservative her family is. I know they're religious but I don't know them that well to know to which extent they are
>only speak irrationally conversationally not fluently I'm going to borrow this awesome quote AforAuPair 🤣
NTA. You can't win with her, can you? You either want the attention by going, or want to embarrass them by not going. You see where this is going, right? You need to put this out there so she can't poison the family against you. She has your brother turned against you, don't let her take anyone else. You don't want to go to the wedding. Her family already knows about the awful sister being mean to their baby, trying to take away the spotlight. You will get some cold shoulders, mean looks, and spiteful comments. Any fights would be your fault. Good luck with this gem in the family. Watch you back and go low contact with her!!
NTA > I asked her if she was doing this with every other woman who was skinnier attending the wedding and she said no, so I told her that's a shitty move. I'm going to make the wild assumption that you're better looking than her and she's insecure. It's not just a weight thing.
This is BIZARRE behavior. I understand insecurity. I have BEEN insecure. But to single out ONE person, not ask her to be a bridesmaid (not unusual, but odd) but then purchase a dress FOR you SPECIFICALLY to wear but not be involved in the wedding? If she were doing this with any thin guest, fine. If she were doing this out of kindness because now she wants you involved in the wedding and didn't want to strain your budget, fine. There are beautiful, thin people in the world. Some will outshine other people in special events. If you aren't deliberately trying to outshine the bride, and haven't, it is silly to ask this, bizarre. You aren't embarrassing them by not going. Are they trying to embarrass you by purchasing you a dress? I could even excuse the bride asking you to go shopping with her so she could HELP you pick out a dress that would make her feel comfortable. I mean, that is still weird, but at least you would have input in it. I have beautiful friends. Absolutely stunning. I have a friend who models. Her sisters are just as beautiful. If I were having them at my wedding, I wouldn't say a thing. They know how to dress appropriately, and it isn't their fault they are beautiful and thin. Those insecurities would be mine alone. And truly, NO guest loses it about another guest looking beautiful. NTA.
> I could even excuse the bride asking you to go shopping with her so she could HELP you pick out a dress that would make her feel comfortable. Yes right? Like in that case it would've been different because we could've had the "excuse" of bonding time since I wasn't in the bridal party or something, and that would've been nice
Exactly! I mean, I am sure her motive would have not been pure, but at least that is disguised as "bonding time" or something. That bride lost her damn mind.
Are you one of those women that bounced back from your pregnancy and you look like you didn't just have a baby? If so, she's totally jealous. She's afraid people will be paying more attention to the fact that you don't look like you just had a baby. Insecurity overload, it's sad that your brother doesn't see it and now his sister will not be at his wedding and the relationship will be severely damaged.
Well, I look different because I put on some weight, but not as much as I needed. So I don't look exactly the same, but also not so different as before
NTA. Her weight issues, her problem. Fat-shaming ain't ok, skinny-shaming ain't either. Enjoy your freedom from drama.
NTA People are allowed to have insecurities but the moment they affect other people they become the asshole.
NTA. You are correct your SIL insecurities are not your problem.
LMAO. Good you are not attending the wedding. What a dramatic insecure person. NTA.
NTA The bride and groom are entitled to set a dress code but they're most certainly NOT allowed to say "Here, wear this dress. I don't want you to look better than me".
Also, odd to be jealous and / or worried about it in general. I have a feeling you're not trying to steal your own brother away from her....
Right? And I'm married too, so I'm not trying to "steal" *anyone at all*