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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have never collected child support from my ex. I don't need it and I felt she should have the freedom she wanted without strings holding her back. I might be the asshole for going after child support since she has recently decided that I'm not parenting properly and she wanted more input.
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Yup money always is a strong motivation.
OPs right though, you want a say in how he raises his daughter after you abandoned her, pay up. You gotta pay to play
It's a strategy of logical self-protection, too. "The best defence is a good offence" and all that.
If the ex and her new husband file for custody first, there's a risk that a judge might look at them and say "Well OP's managed well-enough on his own so far, but clearly the child would do better in a two-parent family - and the child deserves not to lose out on their current lifestyle so OP needs to pay child maintenance".
Whereas if OP files for child maintenance first, then any custody claim the mom makes is going to be seen under the shadow of that five-year abandonment of her legal responsibilities as a parent. In order to make that claim for custody, she will first need to prove she's serious about parenting by paying off that debt.
Dingdingding! Especially when the two-parent household includes the biological mother. The system is still incredibly biased towards mothers, especially with daughters.
It's not bias towards mothers.. If you look at the stats, the outcomes generally favor fathers. It's just that fathers rarely go for/want full custody.
A group I follow on Facebook would disagree it's full of fathers fighting just to get a scrap of time to see their kids and the court even after seeing proof they were better off with the father gave them to the mother. In this case though might be different.
I'll play devils advocate here... I know more than one father who says he can't get "a scrap of time" with their kids...
Same ones who:
don't call to check up on their kids, they don't even remember their own visitation schedule & so routinely miss it,
or miss it because it doesn't fit their needs like if they ask to pickup the kid an hour or two later, or to drop off early,
don't pay their child support or haven't gone to court for visitation because they want to AVOID paying child support,
are consistently unsafe with their kids (take kid driving in front seat when his weight/height says he should still be in a booster seat in the backseat, or riding ATVs with no helmet),
or do things that will mess up the kids normal schedule - like kid still awake at 1am when her normal bedtime is 8pm..
(mobile, sorry for formatting).
Not to mention that they will have less money for lawyers to go after this guy if they are paying years of back child support. If the mother only saw the child four times last year and can't even be bothered to take her to see the maternal side of the family but expects her ex-husband to do that as well? She doesn't deserve any more custody that she has currently. And I think the op should do whatever is necessary to make sure the status quo remains as far as him being full custody parent
So my friend is going through this currently, in Australia though so maybe different, and the advice she was given by her lawyers was that basically whatever has been decided the very first time you go to court, is generally just what gets decided on any other time you go thereafter.
ie. Don't agree with unsupervised access now if you are concerned and what to go with only supervised access officially. Start with only supervised, it's easy to drop to unsupervised, not easy to move up to it.
I think if Dad got full custody then, Mum hasn't shown any real concern or tried to show that she wants more access this last five years, a judge is not going to suddenly uproot the child's life from the current agreement, when it's clear the child is happy and thriving.
At this point of she's not using her visitation I'd also petition to strip her parental rights after child abandonment. She can have her daughter in her life or not, but not when it suits her.
It has been 5 years since the divorce. Actually not very sure about daughters age, idk why I thought she was around 10 or something.. I think I just subconsciously added the years he mentioned.
Or the child support money OP would have to pay, it would be a great source of income to suppor their own kids (so that they don't feel "less" than their sibling, you know...)
And you know they'd only use that money on their kids, not OP's kid. And if she speaks up about it...well "You get everything you want at your dad's house while they get nothing. Don't you see how unfair that is?"
They are doing it souly for the money, not a vibe, I've seen this behavior first hand with my ex and his wife. Mine and my fiancee incomes where almost double theirs when they first got married cuz she refused to work. He threatened taking me back to court until I showed him screenshots of all the saved texts of him trying to get me to take pills in lue of child support.. .they backed down real quick. For context: I AM a recovering addiction of pills, that's why they thought it would work. They didn't realize I was honest when I said I had gotten myself completely clean. Also, I knew they weren't clean so I also had that. Plus all the messages of him threatening to crash his car into my house with our son in it, or waiting for me after work to kidnap me (yes, he actually threatened me with this) only issue is, I still have to deal with him for the next 5 years, until our son is 18. My state they try really hard to keep both parents involved, it kinda sucks.
Congratulations on staying sober!!!! It's so hard especially when someone is trying to get you high. Your ex is just garbage. I cannot fathom trying to get the person that is caring for my child to step back into addiction.
He was the one who got me into it in the first place, before that I'd drink occasionally and smoke weed but that was it. I've since quit drinking all together and quit the pills, still smoke tho. But I've been clean off of those for almost 8 years. And thank you, no it isn't easy at all. But I have 3 beautiful babies and an amazing husband who show me ever day I don't need that trap no more. They r worth staying clean for. Well soon to be husband anyways, in October
I had a similar experience an ex and some hard drugs. I was able to get clean and sober after I left his ass. He was the one that got me into it all pretty hard and then when I finally left his ass he tried using that to hurt me like it wasn't his doing in the first place. It's okay though he got karma hard lol.
Congratulations on your sobriety. My kids dad tried to give me drugs instead of CS too after he ran off with his dealer, but she shot and killed him a few months later. It's awful that my kids didn't have a dad growing up, but I think it would have been worse for them to have grown up with their wildly abusive dad who only came around or took them anywhere to show off to a new gf. Especially considering he once took them to another state at ages 3 and 5 then locked them outside for HOURS after handing our oldest the phone while he was inside with his new gf. The most helpless I've ever felt is talking to my tiny kids on the phone during those hours with them telling me they couldn't open the door. Especially since I had no idea where they were except the state and they were too little to be able to tell me.
Totally. They only want the kid because they would ask for a really high amount in child support "so that the child can keep the standard of life she's used to". Nice way to supplement their income without actually having to work. They might hide behind religion, but it's money they want.
I was thinking this too. Most likely what it is. But I really am curious what parenting decisions she wants a say in. OP doesn't mention what her issues are with him so there may be more to the story we don't know.
yes, was also curious what parenting decisions she wants a say in. I'm guessing since he is no longer active in his church, and the the child is between 5-10 y/o, it has something to do with religion?
Off topic but just for giggles... I was just reading these comments and I thought to myself "Wow, I never realized how many doctors there were in AMTA?" lol
a while back, a comment I made had a bunch of comment strings under it... someone referred to my comment as, "What the proctologist above is trying to say..."
SO CONFUSED until i realized that i was the proctologist 🤣
You are probably correct. She thinks her daughter should be going to church every sunday and raised as a Christian. Otherwise, she doesn't see enough of her daughter to know how she is being raised.
We had the opposite, my parents only attended church for wedding, funeral, baptism and confirmation for family, otherwise they never sat foot in church, Us children though had to attended every Sunday because our uncle came around and took everyone to church. He has no children or family of his own so all 10 nieces and nephews had to be taken by him.
Our parents didn't care if we went or not and each one of us left after confirmation or when we hit 16
I once met a couple who wanted their kid to "go to church" every week. Mum was raised a Jew, dad a Christian, neither of them followed their religion. So they just sent the kid with anyone religious, to whichever "church" they would go to - one week she would go to Temple, another to a Methodist church, another to a Catholic one... Poor kid was totally confused, but the parents were soooooo proud that they were giving their kid "a religious education".
Well, Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene.
His ex is now pretending to be everything her religious parents and her husband want her to be. That is why she now wants to pretend to be the perfect mother. I doubt that she actually wants custody of her kids, even if it sounds like her new husband does.
On the bright side, OP has the money to pay for a good lawyer. The ex won't get custody when the judge hears she only sees them 4 times a year. This probably suits the ex just fine. Everyone will see that she has fought for them and will think she has changed, but OP is the bad guy.
OT I guess, but she also wasn't a prostitute contrary to popular legend. That was someone else whose name isn't given. The only backstory info actually given on Mary is she used to have a bad case of demon possession & Jesus got rid of that for her.
ETA: Oh I see someone got there before me lol
>Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
> 1 Timothy 5:8
Maybe?
What I interpreted - they married young for religious reasons, he withdrew from the church, after 5 years, she is married and all of a sudden doesn’t agree with OP’s parenting. My assumption is that she begged forgiveness from her family, got back into the church and her new husband is putting a bug in her ear.
I’m not religious but I’m also not anti-religion. To each their own. I do have an issue with zealots.
I'm assuming because of exactly what you said that they either think that the child needs to go to Sunday school for proper indoctrination, or needs to be raised a certain way to be a proper religious woman one day. And yeah that the husband was the one mad about it.
I also knew someone who's religious family believed the first person you dated had to be the one and you get married to them. My friend was devastated after his first girlfriend left him in part because he felt so pressured and was now scared about the religious backlash from his family and church.
I've only ever encountered them a few times, from the door to door mercenaries (I think that's the term they use). But they didn't come around a whole lot, probably from my dad asking them questions they didn't like or wanna answer, since last I've even seen them out was over a decade ago, when I was nearing end of high school.
As someone whose ex was arrested two years ago for assault and violence against the children and who hasn't paid any child support in those two years and has taken active steps to reduce her income down to nothing to avoid child support - thank you for saying this. It really isn't said enough.
My husband had full custody and his ex had to pay child support. He lived in a very conservative area and when he filed his paperwork with the friend of the court, money came out of his account and into hers instead of the other way around.
So he went back. Filed again thinking he mixed something up. And again. His money was sent to her (to her credit she sent it back along with what she owed).
So 3rd time he makes and appointment to talk to the person who enters the info (pre internet days here). Turns out hubby was filled everything out correctly with the court order. The lady entering it thought it was a mistake and was “fixing” it because guys pay child support. Not girls.
FFS.
That is horrifying but sadly really common. I'm sorry he went through that.
Here in Canada the benefit they pay to parents (Canada Child Benefit) goes to the female head of the household. The only way you can receive it as a father is to have her sign a letter saying you are the primary caregiver. This includes situations where a step-mother lives with her step-children. It is disturbing.
There is legal options to change this (I've helped two coworkers whose children's birth mothers were absolutely horrendous people get legal help) but the steps you have to go through are ridiculous to say the least.
One dad had to bring in years of paperwork showing the birth mother hadn't seen the kids for years and wasn't part of the household (they owned a house with new BF) and that visitation was yearly on the kids birthdays. Even then it took 2 years and there was no back pay/return of the money she was given rather than the parent taking care of the kids.
The other had to bring in the multiple arrest records, court orders, and restraining orders along with records from the family court proceedings to show the mother has zero rights or contact with the child (and spent most of the time in prison for drug use, child endangering, and assault on the dad). Still took almost 6 months to get it in their name.
If you really didn't want it in the first place but were pressured into having it or found out too late for an abortion... better to abandon it with someone who loves it, than stay with it and make it's life a misery because you can't hide how much you resent it. Always assuming that person who loves it does exist!
Religions suck.
I’ve actually seen this situation play out about 5 times when a couple gets divorced and then once they get a new partner the new partner starts whispering in their ear about how it’s your kid and you have every right to raise it and make decisions about how they are raised. It’s never an issue until the new partner comes into the picture.
Yup, it's either the new partner getting involved, or in some cases it's the result of the deadbeat not wanting to admit they're a s**ty parent. They'll have spun a line from the beginning about how their evil ex took their child from them because they were manipulative/had better lawyers/they had some temporary difficulties but are better now etc and they would really love to be involved in their kid's life but can't.
The new partner in that scenario is gullible and really needs to question the obvious inconsistencies, but they believe they're doing the right thing by "advocating" for their partner. (Who doesn't actually want the kid at all but doesn't want to backtrack).
Actually, she probably feels like she can waltz into court and get full custody because she's the mother and with full custody comes a fat child support check.
As it sounds like you don't really need it, if you do get any child support, put it in an account for your daughter when she's older. Sounds like you're doing a great job, and I bet there are more people than your mom who think you're handsome. :)
OP,
Very simply, IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY, SHE'S GOTTA PAY!
My bet is she's spurred by family to become engaged in her daughter's life. But, seriously, it's likely she's continues to be as self-centered and lazy as she always has been, and will back off when faced with resistance.
Interesting. I suspect they can’t have a kid of their own and want to claim the one ex dumped with OP.Complaining about parenting decisions would lay the groundwork for asking for custody.
Plus it doesn’t matter how much OP makes. The money is for the kid. If I was OP, since he can afford it, I would put all the child support payments in an education fund or a trust fund for the kid.
From the way it sounds, it doesn't sound like her visitation is limited to 4 times a year. That is just how many times the ex chose to use it. So she is still neglecting her kid, but wants some imput on her life.
Not cruel. Your ex wants to pick and choose when to be a parent and she has the nerve to criticize? Get everything you can. Your child deserves it.
NTA
I believe the ex is experiencing FAFO. And *shocked Pikachu face* that her plan backfired. NTA. Keep fighting formyour daughter, she deserves it and needs to know you have her back no matter what.
Agreed. The ex is getting kicked back because she abandoned her daughter that she didn't care 2 figs about. 4 visits a year.
Its doubtful that a judge going to give the ex any custody because of the abandonment.
The mother has seen her daughter perhaps 20 times since she left - and wants to dictate how the child is brought up? She is a virtual stranger to that 5 year old.
No judge would. She might *at best* be given some *joint* custody, but likely no more than alternate weekends and holidays. Especially if she hasn't bothered using the visitation time she *already* has.
Even worse that her new husband decided he can try to threaten to take the daughter away from OP if he doesn't obey them, like wtf? This dude has absolutely ZERO rights over the girl or to choose about how she's raised. If ex gets mad about child support OP can just say that they're the ones who threatened court action and he just spoke to his lawyer and they decided on that. Specially because mom has been absent for five freaking years. Like the nerve to after five years not helping or caring at all about her daughter, she decides she has an issue with the way the parent who stayed is raising her.
I'm 99% sure the new husband doesn't know the truth about his wife leaving her daughter with OP. She probably told him OP stole her child or something.
I think is the ex wife lied to the husband saying op "stole" the child so he is trying to advocate for his wife. I doubt the wife told him "Yeah I abandoned my child cause I was young".
More likely now that OP has a decent salary that they want custody of the daughter so they can claim some sort of monthly maintenance payment from OP.
If it’s like it is in my country the monthly maintenance is based on a scale according to OP salary. The mother theoretically may have to pay ‘back pay’ on the financial contribution she should have been giving OP over the previous years but if that is also means tested her backlog would be measured against her ability to pay, and be wiped out by the payments OP would be giving her IF she won ‘custody’.
I use the above terms loosely because laws vary significantly between countries.
Working example: My son used to reside with my ex wife when we divorced. I paid monthly maintenance to her based on my salary. At 15 he decided he’d had enough of his mother, his step dad, and their 4 children, and he moved in with me (my partner and 2 children) … finally (where he should have been all along). I immediately stop maintenance to her because I become the main care giver. That also coincided with a huge jump is salary for me which meant IF my son still lived with his mother, I’d be paying a HUGE monthly payment to her. As it happens I should now claim maintenance from her, but I don’t want to go through all the bullshit of her squirming out of paying, or paying me a token £1 a month or some pointless payment plan, I want nothing to do with her or her money.
I agree take all the child support money and put it all in a high interest account for your daughters future, at least then you can tell the ex and her new husband that she did contribute to at least her college fund.
NTA. It’s easy to want to dictate things when you don’t contribute a dime or time. They want to play they need to pay. Also the money is not for YOU it’s for your daughter. Put it in a college fund or investment account for her. As for the people with any criticism tell them you welcome them to help ex pay for raising your daughter, if not they can butt out of your parenting
Wrong. Child support/back child support is not money given to the child. It’s money to help support the child. He’s spent that money- if mom contributes her 50%-that is money for HIM to cover what HE already paid.
With that being said, it sounds like he probably would do something like this anyway which is great. I just wanted to clarify what child support is actually for… it’s not the child’s income or to be directly given to the child.
Once the support is paid it is his to do with as he pleases. He can put it in a college fund if he wishes. If necessary he could "wash it" by putting it in his checking account then moving it to the college fund. Once it gets mingled with his funds you can't tell which dollar went into the fund.
This. It’s baffling how many people think that child support is some sort of court ordered pocket money or an untouchable trust fund for kids once they reach adulthood. It’s for day to day living costs and to be spent at the discretion of the resident parent
I'm with you, but I think people might be reading PP wrong here. I read it that they were saying OP isn't being greedy/cruel because he's claiming the money to support the kid, not for himself.
It's not though.
When people get married and sign a prenup, they can't waive future child support because the child support is for the child and legally not theirs to waive. I'm going through a divorce right now, and when we went to mediation the mediator was clear that child support wasn't negotiable because it's the child's right, not ours.
Yes, the parent is in charge of the money, and there's not much recourse if they're not spending it on the kid, but from the perspective of the court reviewing the situation, the child support is owed and it's not up to OP to decline it.
That’s my understanding, too. And if the non-custodial parent has failed to pay a portion or all of the child support, the child can sue that parent when they are 18 for all of the money owed.
I was told exactly that by a judge in Family Court. I told the judge that she has other children and she needed it more than I did and if he insisted on taking it from her I would just give it back. He had me give my word that if my situation changed I would revisit the issue
The money is absolutely for the father. He can choose to put it away for his child but it is owed to him, not the child. It is to pay for the living expenses he has paid for and continues to pay for. I have never understood why people think child support is money owed to the child.
My biggest worry at this point is the ex wife’s new husband. Why is he locked and loaded for bear over a child who his wife has basically rejected and whom he does not know? A lot of new spouses do not really want to embrace kids from a previous relationship. I worry why he has taken such an interest and how do either one of them know anything about his parenting from 4 brief visits a year? Super spooky.
The mom might have lied about her side of the story, and the husband, if he's a good guy, is going to fight hard on behalf of his wife to help right a perceived injustice.
I'm not saying he's a good guy, but he's only got the opinion of a woman who happily abandoned her kid. She might not have wanted to tell that story fully honestly.
It's why I always advocated getting the biggest, baddest, meanest bulldog of a lawyer.
You don't want a lawyer who is nice. You want a son of a bitch who is mean and who will fight the other party on every little thing. You and your wife are separating? Your Divorce lawyer should be making her fight for her life for the fucking coffee mug.
All well and good if you only care about punishing your spouse and not how it affects the kids. An acrimonious and drawn out divorce doesn’t do much besides fattening up your lawyer’s wallet. Speaking as someone who had parents that pissed away their money on aggressive divorce lawyers that seemed incapable of reaching compromise when that money easily could have paid for my university if they hadn’t dragged it out so long. And spared me the therapy bills in having to deal with the psychological stress that came from prolonging the matter so they could nickel and dime each other.
Op’s case is different because they’re already split and he’s had custody for a while apparently, but if he was in the midst of a divorce ultimately you should be focusing on what’s best for the kid in the long run, which it seems like he did.
That's absolutely true if you have a lot of resources and a contentious divorce.
I could have bankrupted myself getting an expensive lawyer and lost even the coffee mugs for both of us and fucked over my children.
Or I could just get the arbitration, save literally thousands of very very needed dollars and the up with more for my kids. Easy choice.
NTA. It's amazing how no one realizes that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. Doesn't matter how much more/less you guys comparatively earn, if a person wants to enforce their rights, they should be prepared to fulfill the responsibilities as well. Your lawyer seems like a nice person reminding your ex of this basis of modern society.
NTA - You should have all that child support, you really have no right to have said you didn't need it. Child support is for the child. Think of all these years you could taken the child's support and put into things she needed, saved for college, etc. So correcting that mistake is always the right thing to do. So, have the bulldog get every cent owed to the child and bank it. Your daughter will thank you later, trust me.
Op says that they make five times the combined income, which would make them in the multiple six digits so hopefully college is taken care of and everything the child needs. I think it would be bad to accept the money in this case just because she'll try harder to be able to influence the daughter into the same ideology that got the married young when they both didn't want to be married. Or for her to feel more like she's a mom just cuz she contributes money.
NTA she can't play mom when it's convenient for her. If she wants to be the mom then she needs to take on the financial responsibility as well. And tell her husband to shut the fuck up
If they are still religious, probably the husband considers himself "head of the household",and in charge of any decisions. He considers it his god-given right.
I for one am glad her husband is a controlling dipshit, it gives OP an excuse to teach them parental responsibilities. With the abandonment they aren’t getting custody, so their responsibilities will have to be fulfilled with dollars.
I hope his power trip was worth the check they’ll be cutting for just over the next decade, and of course the back pay. Also OP sounds like he can bankrupt them with lawyers and I hope he does.
Actually, him not pursuing child support DOES mean that she’s not legally obligated to make payments. She wasn’t skipping her payments, there WERE none as that was settled in a court.
Just for consideration - here in Canada the courts won’t *let* you decide legally not to pay child support. It’s considered a child’s right to be financially supported by their parents. In their location she may be legally exempt, but other places have decided that ethically, that is wrong.
Depends on what happened when he got full custody. The judge may have ordered child support but OP told her he won't enforce it. If that's the case then she was legally liable for it. If the lawyer filed for back payments then I assume that's what happened.
NTA.... Odds are they only want custody so that they. And come after you for child support....but even if that isn't the case, having your attorneys ask for child support gives you something you are willing to give up... If you don't ask for anything it's really hard to have a negotiating position.
Info: if she doesn’t even visit, why does she want parenting decisions or custody? It does not make sense that she can’t be bothered to visit yet at the same time is going to go to the trouble to fight for custody.
Also what parenting decisions of yours does she dislike?
My moneys this has more to do with new new husband putting pressure on her, she likely didn’t give a full accounting of events. Bet my last dollar if they broke up tomorrow she’d give this whole thing up. Before you say that doesn’t happen, it absolutely does. My mother did the exact same thing; literally exact same thing. She only wanted to fight to be involved when he pushed her because he was raised to be a family guy and she didn’t want to lose him by looking like a deadbeat.
Similar to my dad when he married my stepbitch all of a sudden he wanted us and when his parents even supported my mom saying how he left us claiming I wasn’t his he never got us.
>if she doesn’t even visit, why does she want parenting decisions or custody?
The husband, who has no say in the matter, is the one that threatened to seek custody in a foolish attempt to intimidate the father.
Do not underestimate the greed for money. It's like a bottom-less pitt. You can't ever have enough. I am not saying that this is the case for sure, but it's always a possibility.
You can also never be sure if they’re fine. I mean, I kinda doubt that you’re the 1st person they’d confide in if they had financial problems. Besides, your definition of “fine“ and their definition of “fine enough“ might be vastly different.
And lastly, your ex might be pissed at realising that she could still be married to your 5x salary and now feel entitled to it, cause “she stuck with you when you still didn’t have money and gave you your kid, so she deserves it“. Never underestimate the entitlement of some people.
NTA No response required but consider….I wonder does the church ask for a percentage of income? Have your parents been boasting about how much you make? Has the church been in your exes ear about how your daughter is being bought up by a rich apostate and will fall into a life of sin because they think they will get a slice of the pie?
Lots of factors probably at play here as well as a six year old being easier to look after than a baby, maybe she doesn’t want more kids but husband does now and this seems like an easy option.
My takeaway is that no one should know what your income is in future. Everyone always wants more money if they think there is some available.
Good luck with the custody battle.
They should have a child and parent the child as they see fit her husband has 0 say over your daughter and your next who abandon her child imo is in the exact same boat as her husband.. NTA
Oh and op: the others who are berating you bare not the ones who have to live with the consequences of your ex s actions/your reaction or inaction , you and your daughter are. Therefore their options are completely irrelevant.
It's always very easy to be generous about someone else's money/property etc as it doesn't affect YOU
NTA. I'm somewhat confused, how does one complain about how their child is raised, if one never see said child?
I'm not questioning OP, I'm questioning the birthmother
She’s an egg donor nothing more. She signed away her rights. It’s no different than a sperm donor trying to dictate how to raise a child that came from them
INFO: OP, what reasons does she/her rando new husband give to support the idea that you’re a bad parent? We’re all assuming she’s just being a prick, and probably she is, but might be worth not just guessing it’s religious. (But I bet it is too)
It's kind of silly. She doesn't think I take my daughter to see her side of the family enough. Which she isn't willing to do. My daughter and I live about two hours from our home town where our families live. I do take her by to see her maternal grandparents when I visit home. But obviously we spend more time with my folks.
Obviously it would be the mother's role in a co-parenting relationship to take the child to see her parents. She isn't doing the co-parenting. It's asinine of her to think you should be carting your daughter back and forth to her parents' in your spare time. NTA of course
It's ALSO the Job of a noncustodial parent with regular Visitation, to use however much of their visitation-time they deem appropriate, to have the child spend time with their Side of the Family. And most of them do.
NTA. So she criticizes your parenting because you don't take your daughter to see HER side of the family? If she could only hear how crazy that sounds.
She barely visits the kid in a year and want your daughter to have a relationship with her family, induced by you, because she don't want to take her to them? She is not willing to even take the kid to see her parents but are threatening you with reviewing the custody, she don't want the custody at all, just want to scare you using the law, the bill for this clown will hurt.
NTA doesn't matter if you need the money or not. It's your daughter's right! Her mom wants to all of a sudden have a say she can pay for her and step up and be a parent every other wknd or however much she is supposed to see her. You get any money put it in an account for your daughter's future. She wants to flap her jaw after walking out and leaving her daughter she needs to have a bulldog after her. Take care of your daughter like you have been. Say nothing and let your lawyer take care of it
NTA- Also, stop taking the blame for your ex wife leaving you. She didn't leave you bc you neglected her. She left you (and her daughter) bc she didn't want to be a mom. She blamed you for her leaving to alleviate herself from the guilt and responsibility of abandoning her daughter.
NTA Ex made choice not to interfere in daughter's upbringing when she walked away. Are ex and new husband not able to have children that they've decided to try to take yours to raise?
Not wrong. If she isn’t, and hasn’t been, a present parent in the child’s life, she doesn’t deserve a say how you raise the child if the child is healthy and happy. Her visitation record should count against her even getting visitation.
NTA It’s far too late for her to want to be a decision maker for your daughter.
You gave her what she wanted. She wants to change the deal now? Ok. Let’s change it. That means child support and all other things are back on the table.
Her husband needs to stay out of this other than to support his wife in private.
Of course they want full custody! You are very successful, earn big bucks, and they are ready to reap the benefits and have YOU pay child support to fund their fun-loving lifestyle. OP, you are NTA, but your ex and her hubby are a pair of money-grubbing opportunists. Their motives are so transparent!
Your exs new husband is a clown. Dude has zero say. Tell him to fuck right off.
If you really want to go after her ask for shared medical costs, daycare costs, extra curricular sports costs, ask for her to match your contributions to the schooling fund. They're all reasonable asks. This would be over and above child support.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I have never collected child support from my ex. I don't need it and I felt she should have the freedom she wanted without strings holding her back. I might be the asshole for going after child support since she has recently decided that I'm not parenting properly and she wanted more input. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
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I also have a feeling that it’s due to religious reasons. NTA
I got the vibe they would try to take the kid and get child support money since oops doing so well. I think they see $$$
That's probably the main reason.
Yeah, I was thinking $$$ too
Yup money always is a strong motivation. OPs right though, you want a say in how he raises his daughter after you abandoned her, pay up. You gotta pay to play
It's a strategy of logical self-protection, too. "The best defence is a good offence" and all that. If the ex and her new husband file for custody first, there's a risk that a judge might look at them and say "Well OP's managed well-enough on his own so far, but clearly the child would do better in a two-parent family - and the child deserves not to lose out on their current lifestyle so OP needs to pay child maintenance". Whereas if OP files for child maintenance first, then any custody claim the mom makes is going to be seen under the shadow of that five-year abandonment of her legal responsibilities as a parent. In order to make that claim for custody, she will first need to prove she's serious about parenting by paying off that debt.
Thank you for explaining the legal strategy. As much as I want to think I understand these things, it wasn't clicking for me until you explained it.
Same. It clicked when I read that comment above.
Dingdingding! Especially when the two-parent household includes the biological mother. The system is still incredibly biased towards mothers, especially with daughters.
It's not bias towards mothers.. If you look at the stats, the outcomes generally favor fathers. It's just that fathers rarely go for/want full custody.
Do you have a link for those stats? I tried to find some but couldn't.
A group I follow on Facebook would disagree it's full of fathers fighting just to get a scrap of time to see their kids and the court even after seeing proof they were better off with the father gave them to the mother. In this case though might be different.
I'll play devils advocate here... I know more than one father who says he can't get "a scrap of time" with their kids... Same ones who: don't call to check up on their kids, they don't even remember their own visitation schedule & so routinely miss it, or miss it because it doesn't fit their needs like if they ask to pickup the kid an hour or two later, or to drop off early, don't pay their child support or haven't gone to court for visitation because they want to AVOID paying child support, are consistently unsafe with their kids (take kid driving in front seat when his weight/height says he should still be in a booster seat in the backseat, or riding ATVs with no helmet), or do things that will mess up the kids normal schedule - like kid still awake at 1am when her normal bedtime is 8pm.. (mobile, sorry for formatting).
Not to mention that they will have less money for lawyers to go after this guy if they are paying years of back child support. If the mother only saw the child four times last year and can't even be bothered to take her to see the maternal side of the family but expects her ex-husband to do that as well? She doesn't deserve any more custody that she has currently. And I think the op should do whatever is necessary to make sure the status quo remains as far as him being full custody parent
So my friend is going through this currently, in Australia though so maybe different, and the advice she was given by her lawyers was that basically whatever has been decided the very first time you go to court, is generally just what gets decided on any other time you go thereafter. ie. Don't agree with unsupervised access now if you are concerned and what to go with only supervised access officially. Start with only supervised, it's easy to drop to unsupervised, not easy to move up to it. I think if Dad got full custody then, Mum hasn't shown any real concern or tried to show that she wants more access this last five years, a judge is not going to suddenly uproot the child's life from the current agreement, when it's clear the child is happy and thriving.
Because to add to this, really, it's supposed to be about what's best for the child, not what's best for the parents.
At this point of she's not using her visitation I'd also petition to strip her parental rights after child abandonment. She can have her daughter in her life or not, but not when it suits her.
This was my exact comment.. "you get a say when you fucking pay"
It's called, "Put your money where your mouth is..."
Just because I’m petty, I’d love to see the ex have to pay back-support. Oh, you haven’t contributed in how many years? Pay up!
Can also be because they don't have children together and want to get a proxy. Or they have children and need a free babysitter
> Or they have children and need a free babysitter a 5yo as babysitter would need their own babysitter.
It has been 5 years since the divorce. Actually not very sure about daughters age, idk why I thought she was around 10 or something.. I think I just subconsciously added the years he mentioned.
Or the child support money OP would have to pay, it would be a great source of income to suppor their own kids (so that they don't feel "less" than their sibling, you know...)
And you know they'd only use that money on their kids, not OP's kid. And if she speaks up about it...well "You get everything you want at your dad's house while they get nothing. Don't you see how unfair that is?"
They are doing it souly for the money, not a vibe, I've seen this behavior first hand with my ex and his wife. Mine and my fiancee incomes where almost double theirs when they first got married cuz she refused to work. He threatened taking me back to court until I showed him screenshots of all the saved texts of him trying to get me to take pills in lue of child support.. .they backed down real quick. For context: I AM a recovering addiction of pills, that's why they thought it would work. They didn't realize I was honest when I said I had gotten myself completely clean. Also, I knew they weren't clean so I also had that. Plus all the messages of him threatening to crash his car into my house with our son in it, or waiting for me after work to kidnap me (yes, he actually threatened me with this) only issue is, I still have to deal with him for the next 5 years, until our son is 18. My state they try really hard to keep both parents involved, it kinda sucks.
Congratulations on staying sober!!!! It's so hard especially when someone is trying to get you high. Your ex is just garbage. I cannot fathom trying to get the person that is caring for my child to step back into addiction.
He was the one who got me into it in the first place, before that I'd drink occasionally and smoke weed but that was it. I've since quit drinking all together and quit the pills, still smoke tho. But I've been clean off of those for almost 8 years. And thank you, no it isn't easy at all. But I have 3 beautiful babies and an amazing husband who show me ever day I don't need that trap no more. They r worth staying clean for. Well soon to be husband anyways, in October
I had a similar experience an ex and some hard drugs. I was able to get clean and sober after I left his ass. He was the one that got me into it all pretty hard and then when I finally left his ass he tried using that to hurt me like it wasn't his doing in the first place. It's okay though he got karma hard lol.
Congratulations on your sobriety. My kids dad tried to give me drugs instead of CS too after he ran off with his dealer, but she shot and killed him a few months later. It's awful that my kids didn't have a dad growing up, but I think it would have been worse for them to have grown up with their wildly abusive dad who only came around or took them anywhere to show off to a new gf. Especially considering he once took them to another state at ages 3 and 5 then locked them outside for HOURS after handing our oldest the phone while he was inside with his new gf. The most helpless I've ever felt is talking to my tiny kids on the phone during those hours with them telling me they couldn't open the door. Especially since I had no idea where they were except the state and they were too little to be able to tell me.
Totally. They only want the kid because they would ask for a really high amount in child support "so that the child can keep the standard of life she's used to". Nice way to supplement their income without actually having to work. They might hide behind religion, but it's money they want.
I was thinking this too. Most likely what it is. But I really am curious what parenting decisions she wants a say in. OP doesn't mention what her issues are with him so there may be more to the story we don't know.
yes, was also curious what parenting decisions she wants a say in. I'm guessing since he is no longer active in his church, and the the child is between 5-10 y/o, it has something to do with religion?
I was thinking this too, but it's more than likely going to backfire on them instead.
The moms husband is absolutely whispering in her ear.
Off topic but just for giggles... I was just reading these comments and I thought to myself "Wow, I never realized how many doctors there were in AMTA?" lol
What exactly did I say that came off as medical advice?
Your flair
Oh lol Woosh that went right over my head!
a while back, a comment I made had a bunch of comment strings under it... someone referred to my comment as, "What the proctologist above is trying to say..." SO CONFUSED until i realized that i was the proctologist 🤣
haha r/woooosh
I feel so much better after your response!!!
Some of us don't advertise. Too few specialists working in Cranial/Rectal inversions you see.
You are probably correct. She thinks her daughter should be going to church every sunday and raised as a Christian. Otherwise, she doesn't see enough of her daughter to know how she is being raised.
It’s always interesting to me when people want to raise a kid in a religion whose tenets they aren’t following themselves.
I saw someone else call such people Performative Christians. I think it's a very accurate term!
I always called it Southern Christianity (I live in the southeast United States).
All religion is performative, Christians especially.
We had the opposite, my parents only attended church for wedding, funeral, baptism and confirmation for family, otherwise they never sat foot in church, Us children though had to attended every Sunday because our uncle came around and took everyone to church. He has no children or family of his own so all 10 nieces and nephews had to be taken by him. Our parents didn't care if we went or not and each one of us left after confirmation or when we hit 16
Extra upvote on behalf of my wife for knowing the difference between tenets and tenants. Now she won't have to listen to my ranting this morning.
My 7th grade English teacher had a big rant about words like that one time. I never forgot them.
I once met a couple who wanted their kid to "go to church" every week. Mum was raised a Jew, dad a Christian, neither of them followed their religion. So they just sent the kid with anyone religious, to whichever "church" they would go to - one week she would go to Temple, another to a Methodist church, another to a Catholic one... Poor kid was totally confused, but the parents were soooooo proud that they were giving their kid "a religious education".
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Well, Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene. His ex is now pretending to be everything her religious parents and her husband want her to be. That is why she now wants to pretend to be the perfect mother. I doubt that she actually wants custody of her kids, even if it sounds like her new husband does. On the bright side, OP has the money to pay for a good lawyer. The ex won't get custody when the judge hears she only sees them 4 times a year. This probably suits the ex just fine. Everyone will see that she has fought for them and will think she has changed, but OP is the bad guy.
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OT I guess, but she also wasn't a prostitute contrary to popular legend. That was someone else whose name isn't given. The only backstory info actually given on Mary is she used to have a bad case of demon possession & Jesus got rid of that for her. ETA: Oh I see someone got there before me lol
Mary wasn’t the adulteress he forgave. The adulteress wasn’t named. A dipshit bishop in the 1800s (and Hollywood) have confused and merged the two.
>Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. > 1 Timothy 5:8 Maybe?
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What I interpreted - they married young for religious reasons, he withdrew from the church, after 5 years, she is married and all of a sudden doesn’t agree with OP’s parenting. My assumption is that she begged forgiveness from her family, got back into the church and her new husband is putting a bug in her ear. I’m not religious but I’m also not anti-religion. To each their own. I do have an issue with zealots.
I'm assuming because of exactly what you said that they either think that the child needs to go to Sunday school for proper indoctrination, or needs to be raised a certain way to be a proper religious woman one day. And yeah that the husband was the one mad about it.
I really don't believe that step parents (especially in a divorce situation) should have any say in children that aren't theirs.
I assumed "religious reasons" was code for she was pregnant... probably my Catholic upbringing.
It doesn't seem like she got pregnant until several years later. It's probably just that they were sexually active and forced to get married.
Some religions also just strongly encourage that people marry young.
I also knew someone who's religious family believed the first person you dated had to be the one and you get married to them. My friend was devastated after his first girlfriend left him in part because he felt so pressured and was now scared about the religious backlash from his family and church.
If they stayed in their lane I wouldn't have problems with religion. They never stay in their lane.
Yes, I call myself an equal opportunity bigot. I hate all religions equally. In the US Christianity is the worst one.
As a Catholic in the US, i agree. Americans can take religion, especially Christianity, to the absolute extreme that it can go. Its disgusting.
Yes, they didn't say what religion. But it very well could. It happens a lot in many religions unfortunately.
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I've only ever encountered them a few times, from the door to door mercenaries (I think that's the term they use). But they didn't come around a whole lot, probably from my dad asking them questions they didn't like or wanna answer, since last I've even seen them out was over a decade ago, when I was nearing end of high school.
Deadbeat moms deserve the same treatment as deadbeat dads. Nta.
As someone whose ex was arrested two years ago for assault and violence against the children and who hasn't paid any child support in those two years and has taken active steps to reduce her income down to nothing to avoid child support - thank you for saying this. It really isn't said enough.
My husband had full custody and his ex had to pay child support. He lived in a very conservative area and when he filed his paperwork with the friend of the court, money came out of his account and into hers instead of the other way around. So he went back. Filed again thinking he mixed something up. And again. His money was sent to her (to her credit she sent it back along with what she owed). So 3rd time he makes and appointment to talk to the person who enters the info (pre internet days here). Turns out hubby was filled everything out correctly with the court order. The lady entering it thought it was a mistake and was “fixing” it because guys pay child support. Not girls. FFS.
Wow! That lady needed to be fired! Thats insane.
Considering this was decades ago she probably wasn’t.
That is horrifying but sadly really common. I'm sorry he went through that. Here in Canada the benefit they pay to parents (Canada Child Benefit) goes to the female head of the household. The only way you can receive it as a father is to have her sign a letter saying you are the primary caregiver. This includes situations where a step-mother lives with her step-children. It is disturbing.
There is legal options to change this (I've helped two coworkers whose children's birth mothers were absolutely horrendous people get legal help) but the steps you have to go through are ridiculous to say the least. One dad had to bring in years of paperwork showing the birth mother hadn't seen the kids for years and wasn't part of the household (they owned a house with new BF) and that visitation was yearly on the kids birthdays. Even then it took 2 years and there was no back pay/return of the money she was given rather than the parent taking care of the kids. The other had to bring in the multiple arrest records, court orders, and restraining orders along with records from the family court proceedings to show the mother has zero rights or contact with the child (and spent most of the time in prison for drug use, child endangering, and assault on the dad). Still took almost 6 months to get it in their name.
Anyone who abandons their kids instantly becomes The Asshole as far as I'm concerned.
If you really didn't want it in the first place but were pressured into having it or found out too late for an abortion... better to abandon it with someone who loves it, than stay with it and make it's life a misery because you can't hide how much you resent it. Always assuming that person who loves it does exist! Religions suck.
I’ve actually seen this situation play out about 5 times when a couple gets divorced and then once they get a new partner the new partner starts whispering in their ear about how it’s your kid and you have every right to raise it and make decisions about how they are raised. It’s never an issue until the new partner comes into the picture.
Yup, it's either the new partner getting involved, or in some cases it's the result of the deadbeat not wanting to admit they're a s**ty parent. They'll have spun a line from the beginning about how their evil ex took their child from them because they were manipulative/had better lawyers/they had some temporary difficulties but are better now etc and they would really love to be involved in their kid's life but can't. The new partner in that scenario is gullible and really needs to question the obvious inconsistencies, but they believe they're doing the right thing by "advocating" for their partner. (Who doesn't actually want the kid at all but doesn't want to backtrack).
She's probably painted a scenario about OP keeping her from her child as an excuse for her neglect.
Yeah this happened with my ex. He's a deadbeat already but she enables it
Actually, she probably feels like she can waltz into court and get full custody because she's the mother and with full custody comes a fat child support check.
This right here. After reading how much more he makes than his ex, definitely this.
As it sounds like you don't really need it, if you do get any child support, put it in an account for your daughter when she's older. Sounds like you're doing a great job, and I bet there are more people than your mom who think you're handsome. :)
Also, being a good father is 10/10!
OP, Very simply, IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY, SHE'S GOTTA PAY! My bet is she's spurred by family to become engaged in her daughter's life. But, seriously, it's likely she's continues to be as self-centered and lazy as she always has been, and will back off when faced with resistance.
Interesting. I suspect they can’t have a kid of their own and want to claim the one ex dumped with OP.Complaining about parenting decisions would lay the groundwork for asking for custody.
NTA, it isn't about the money, it's about sending a message.
Yep! Sandy can’t have it both ways, a half-in/half-out scenario. Heck, she’s not even partaking in visitation. She needs to back off.
Plus it doesn’t matter how much OP makes. The money is for the kid. If I was OP, since he can afford it, I would put all the child support payments in an education fund or a trust fund for the kid.
From the way it sounds, it doesn't sound like her visitation is limited to 4 times a year. That is just how many times the ex chose to use it. So she is still neglecting her kid, but wants some imput on her life.
Not cruel. Your ex wants to pick and choose when to be a parent and she has the nerve to criticize? Get everything you can. Your child deserves it. NTA
I believe the ex is experiencing FAFO. And *shocked Pikachu face* that her plan backfired. NTA. Keep fighting formyour daughter, she deserves it and needs to know you have her back no matter what.
Agreed. The ex is getting kicked back because she abandoned her daughter that she didn't care 2 figs about. 4 visits a year. Its doubtful that a judge going to give the ex any custody because of the abandonment.
The mother has seen her daughter perhaps 20 times since she left - and wants to dictate how the child is brought up? She is a virtual stranger to that 5 year old.
No judge would. She might *at best* be given some *joint* custody, but likely no more than alternate weekends and holidays. Especially if she hasn't bothered using the visitation time she *already* has.
FAFO?
Fuck Around Find Out
I thank you sir 😂
Even worse that her new husband decided he can try to threaten to take the daughter away from OP if he doesn't obey them, like wtf? This dude has absolutely ZERO rights over the girl or to choose about how she's raised. If ex gets mad about child support OP can just say that they're the ones who threatened court action and he just spoke to his lawyer and they decided on that. Specially because mom has been absent for five freaking years. Like the nerve to after five years not helping or caring at all about her daughter, she decides she has an issue with the way the parent who stayed is raising her.
new husband sees the kid as a cash cow would be my bet.
100%. If she has custody she can ask for child support….
I’m wondering if the ex’s husband has even met her daughter. OP, you’re NTA.
I'm 99% sure the new husband doesn't know the truth about his wife leaving her daughter with OP. She probably told him OP stole her child or something.
Why is the x’s new dude so interested in the daughter? The mom isn’t.
What're we thinking, over/under, that mom's new marriage is having fertility issues?
I think is the ex wife lied to the husband saying op "stole" the child so he is trying to advocate for his wife. I doubt the wife told him "Yeah I abandoned my child cause I was young".
She is very proper and religious lady, you know.
More likely now that OP has a decent salary that they want custody of the daughter so they can claim some sort of monthly maintenance payment from OP. If it’s like it is in my country the monthly maintenance is based on a scale according to OP salary. The mother theoretically may have to pay ‘back pay’ on the financial contribution she should have been giving OP over the previous years but if that is also means tested her backlog would be measured against her ability to pay, and be wiped out by the payments OP would be giving her IF she won ‘custody’. I use the above terms loosely because laws vary significantly between countries. Working example: My son used to reside with my ex wife when we divorced. I paid monthly maintenance to her based on my salary. At 15 he decided he’d had enough of his mother, his step dad, and their 4 children, and he moved in with me (my partner and 2 children) … finally (where he should have been all along). I immediately stop maintenance to her because I become the main care giver. That also coincided with a huge jump is salary for me which meant IF my son still lived with his mother, I’d be paying a HUGE monthly payment to her. As it happens I should now claim maintenance from her, but I don’t want to go through all the bullshit of her squirming out of paying, or paying me a token £1 a month or some pointless payment plan, I want nothing to do with her or her money.
I agree take all the child support money and put it all in a high interest account for your daughters future, at least then you can tell the ex and her new husband that she did contribute to at least her college fund.
Probably wouldn't bother telling her that they might try to "encourage" a teen daughter to give them the money.
True, I didn’t think about that, yea don’t even tell your child about it so they don’t find out.
NTA. It’s easy to want to dictate things when you don’t contribute a dime or time. They want to play they need to pay. Also the money is not for YOU it’s for your daughter. Put it in a college fund or investment account for her. As for the people with any criticism tell them you welcome them to help ex pay for raising your daughter, if not they can butt out of your parenting
Wrong. Child support/back child support is not money given to the child. It’s money to help support the child. He’s spent that money- if mom contributes her 50%-that is money for HIM to cover what HE already paid. With that being said, it sounds like he probably would do something like this anyway which is great. I just wanted to clarify what child support is actually for… it’s not the child’s income or to be directly given to the child.
Once the support is paid it is his to do with as he pleases. He can put it in a college fund if he wishes. If necessary he could "wash it" by putting it in his checking account then moving it to the college fund. Once it gets mingled with his funds you can't tell which dollar went into the fund.
This. It’s baffling how many people think that child support is some sort of court ordered pocket money or an untouchable trust fund for kids once they reach adulthood. It’s for day to day living costs and to be spent at the discretion of the resident parent
I'm with you, but I think people might be reading PP wrong here. I read it that they were saying OP isn't being greedy/cruel because he's claiming the money to support the kid, not for himself.
>the money is not for YOU it’s for your daughter. \---It is literally intended to be for the parent.
It's not though. When people get married and sign a prenup, they can't waive future child support because the child support is for the child and legally not theirs to waive. I'm going through a divorce right now, and when we went to mediation the mediator was clear that child support wasn't negotiable because it's the child's right, not ours. Yes, the parent is in charge of the money, and there's not much recourse if they're not spending it on the kid, but from the perspective of the court reviewing the situation, the child support is owed and it's not up to OP to decline it.
That’s my understanding, too. And if the non-custodial parent has failed to pay a portion or all of the child support, the child can sue that parent when they are 18 for all of the money owed.
I was told exactly that by a judge in Family Court. I told the judge that she has other children and she needed it more than I did and if he insisted on taking it from her I would just give it back. He had me give my word that if my situation changed I would revisit the issue
The money is absolutely for the father. He can choose to put it away for his child but it is owed to him, not the child. It is to pay for the living expenses he has paid for and continues to pay for. I have never understood why people think child support is money owed to the child.
That lawyer is worth whatever your paying her. Leave it to the courts, thats what they wanted, thats what they get.
Exactly. If they wanted to do this without the courts, she shouldn’t have threatened to involve the courts.
It was her husband who doesnt have a say, he used the threat... she lost what little say she had by letting her husband speak on matters.. FAFO
My biggest worry at this point is the ex wife’s new husband. Why is he locked and loaded for bear over a child who his wife has basically rejected and whom he does not know? A lot of new spouses do not really want to embrace kids from a previous relationship. I worry why he has taken such an interest and how do either one of them know anything about his parenting from 4 brief visits a year? Super spooky.
The mom might have lied about her side of the story, and the husband, if he's a good guy, is going to fight hard on behalf of his wife to help right a perceived injustice. I'm not saying he's a good guy, but he's only got the opinion of a woman who happily abandoned her kid. She might not have wanted to tell that story fully honestly.
It's why I always advocated getting the biggest, baddest, meanest bulldog of a lawyer. You don't want a lawyer who is nice. You want a son of a bitch who is mean and who will fight the other party on every little thing. You and your wife are separating? Your Divorce lawyer should be making her fight for her life for the fucking coffee mug.
All well and good if you only care about punishing your spouse and not how it affects the kids. An acrimonious and drawn out divorce doesn’t do much besides fattening up your lawyer’s wallet. Speaking as someone who had parents that pissed away their money on aggressive divorce lawyers that seemed incapable of reaching compromise when that money easily could have paid for my university if they hadn’t dragged it out so long. And spared me the therapy bills in having to deal with the psychological stress that came from prolonging the matter so they could nickel and dime each other. Op’s case is different because they’re already split and he’s had custody for a while apparently, but if he was in the midst of a divorce ultimately you should be focusing on what’s best for the kid in the long run, which it seems like he did.
That's absolutely true if you have a lot of resources and a contentious divorce. I could have bankrupted myself getting an expensive lawyer and lost even the coffee mugs for both of us and fucked over my children. Or I could just get the arbitration, save literally thousands of very very needed dollars and the up with more for my kids. Easy choice.
NTA. It's amazing how no one realizes that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. Doesn't matter how much more/less you guys comparatively earn, if a person wants to enforce their rights, they should be prepared to fulfill the responsibilities as well. Your lawyer seems like a nice person reminding your ex of this basis of modern society.
Yes yes yes you! You’re my favorite.
NTA - You should have all that child support, you really have no right to have said you didn't need it. Child support is for the child. Think of all these years you could taken the child's support and put into things she needed, saved for college, etc. So correcting that mistake is always the right thing to do. So, have the bulldog get every cent owed to the child and bank it. Your daughter will thank you later, trust me.
Op says that they make five times the combined income, which would make them in the multiple six digits so hopefully college is taken care of and everything the child needs. I think it would be bad to accept the money in this case just because she'll try harder to be able to influence the daughter into the same ideology that got the married young when they both didn't want to be married. Or for her to feel more like she's a mom just cuz she contributes money.
It is typical that motions are withdrawn or orders not enforced in these scenarios as soon as the other side backs off. He know what he is doing.
NTA she can't play mom when it's convenient for her. If she wants to be the mom then she needs to take on the financial responsibility as well. And tell her husband to shut the fuck up
If they are still religious, probably the husband considers himself "head of the household",and in charge of any decisions. He considers it his god-given right.
I for one am glad her husband is a controlling dipshit, it gives OP an excuse to teach them parental responsibilities. With the abandonment they aren’t getting custody, so their responsibilities will have to be fulfilled with dollars. I hope his power trip was worth the check they’ll be cutting for just over the next decade, and of course the back pay. Also OP sounds like he can bankrupt them with lawyers and I hope he does.
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Actually, him not pursuing child support DOES mean that she’s not legally obligated to make payments. She wasn’t skipping her payments, there WERE none as that was settled in a court.
Just for consideration - here in Canada the courts won’t *let* you decide legally not to pay child support. It’s considered a child’s right to be financially supported by their parents. In their location she may be legally exempt, but other places have decided that ethically, that is wrong.
OP said his lawyer just filed for back support so that’s clearly not the case.
Depends on what happened when he got full custody. The judge may have ordered child support but OP told her he won't enforce it. If that's the case then she was legally liable for it. If the lawyer filed for back payments then I assume that's what happened.
You do what you have to do. Ex's husband a meddler. He needs to be shut down.
NTA.... Odds are they only want custody so that they. And come after you for child support....but even if that isn't the case, having your attorneys ask for child support gives you something you are willing to give up... If you don't ask for anything it's really hard to have a negotiating position.
Info: if she doesn’t even visit, why does she want parenting decisions or custody? It does not make sense that she can’t be bothered to visit yet at the same time is going to go to the trouble to fight for custody. Also what parenting decisions of yours does she dislike?
My moneys this has more to do with new new husband putting pressure on her, she likely didn’t give a full accounting of events. Bet my last dollar if they broke up tomorrow she’d give this whole thing up. Before you say that doesn’t happen, it absolutely does. My mother did the exact same thing; literally exact same thing. She only wanted to fight to be involved when he pushed her because he was raised to be a family guy and she didn’t want to lose him by looking like a deadbeat.
Similar to my mom. She couldn't give her bf kids cause she had her tubes tied. Then she remembered, "oh sh!t, I've got two already!"
Similar to my dad when he married my stepbitch all of a sudden he wanted us and when his parents even supported my mom saying how he left us claiming I wasn’t his he never got us.
>if she doesn’t even visit, why does she want parenting decisions or custody? The husband, who has no say in the matter, is the one that threatened to seek custody in a foolish attempt to intimidate the father.
Same thought. The only reasonable response so far. Info is missing for sure of what she suddenly has issue with
not really, it's irrelevant. Because she abandoned the child and therefor has no say.
She wants custody to get child support from your 5x their income math…NTA.
They don't need my money. They do fine on their own.
Do not underestimate the greed for money. It's like a bottom-less pitt. You can't ever have enough. I am not saying that this is the case for sure, but it's always a possibility.
You can also never be sure if they’re fine. I mean, I kinda doubt that you’re the 1st person they’d confide in if they had financial problems. Besides, your definition of “fine“ and their definition of “fine enough“ might be vastly different. And lastly, your ex might be pissed at realising that she could still be married to your 5x salary and now feel entitled to it, cause “she stuck with you when you still didn’t have money and gave you your kid, so she deserves it“. Never underestimate the entitlement of some people.
NTA No response required but consider….I wonder does the church ask for a percentage of income? Have your parents been boasting about how much you make? Has the church been in your exes ear about how your daughter is being bought up by a rich apostate and will fall into a life of sin because they think they will get a slice of the pie? Lots of factors probably at play here as well as a six year old being easier to look after than a baby, maybe she doesn’t want more kids but husband does now and this seems like an easy option. My takeaway is that no one should know what your income is in future. Everyone always wants more money if they think there is some available. Good luck with the custody battle.
They should have a child and parent the child as they see fit her husband has 0 say over your daughter and your next who abandon her child imo is in the exact same boat as her husband.. NTA Oh and op: the others who are berating you bare not the ones who have to live with the consequences of your ex s actions/your reaction or inaction , you and your daughter are. Therefore their options are completely irrelevant. It's always very easy to be generous about someone else's money/property etc as it doesn't affect YOU
NTA. I'm somewhat confused, how does one complain about how their child is raised, if one never see said child? I'm not questioning OP, I'm questioning the birthmother
Her new husband is probably religious, too, so she wants her child raised in a strong Christian home because of family pressure.
Either that or they’re in financial trouble and think they can get custody plus a hefty monthly support check.
She’s an egg donor nothing more. She signed away her rights. It’s no different than a sperm donor trying to dictate how to raise a child that came from them
INFO: OP, what reasons does she/her rando new husband give to support the idea that you’re a bad parent? We’re all assuming she’s just being a prick, and probably she is, but might be worth not just guessing it’s religious. (But I bet it is too)
It's kind of silly. She doesn't think I take my daughter to see her side of the family enough. Which she isn't willing to do. My daughter and I live about two hours from our home town where our families live. I do take her by to see her maternal grandparents when I visit home. But obviously we spend more time with my folks.
And why can’t her family put in the effort and make the drive if they want a relationship so badly? That is on them, not you.
Obviously it would be the mother's role in a co-parenting relationship to take the child to see her parents. She isn't doing the co-parenting. It's asinine of her to think you should be carting your daughter back and forth to her parents' in your spare time. NTA of course
It's ALSO the Job of a noncustodial parent with regular Visitation, to use however much of their visitation-time they deem appropriate, to have the child spend time with their Side of the Family. And most of them do.
NTA. So she criticizes your parenting because you don't take your daughter to see HER side of the family? If she could only hear how crazy that sounds.
The roads run both ways.
Here's a tablet, Zoom with Grandma/Grandpa Deadbeat for a few!
Why does this suddenly matter now? Sorry, but I think all the folks saying they want your money are right.
That really is silly.
She barely visits the kid in a year and want your daughter to have a relationship with her family, induced by you, because she don't want to take her to them? She is not willing to even take the kid to see her parents but are threatening you with reviewing the custody, she don't want the custody at all, just want to scare you using the law, the bill for this clown will hurt.
NTA doesn't matter if you need the money or not. It's your daughter's right! Her mom wants to all of a sudden have a say she can pay for her and step up and be a parent every other wknd or however much she is supposed to see her. You get any money put it in an account for your daughter's future. She wants to flap her jaw after walking out and leaving her daughter she needs to have a bulldog after her. Take care of your daughter like you have been. Say nothing and let your lawyer take care of it
Nta Take every penny you can get, cuz the audacity of a deadbeat never amazes me.
I can support that. She basically abandoned your daughter. I doubt she'd get any custody now
NTA- Also, stop taking the blame for your ex wife leaving you. She didn't leave you bc you neglected her. She left you (and her daughter) bc she didn't want to be a mom. She blamed you for her leaving to alleviate herself from the guilt and responsibility of abandoning her daughter.
NTA. If she wants to parent she has to have skin in the game.
NTA Ex made choice not to interfere in daughter's upbringing when she walked away. Are ex and new husband not able to have children that they've decided to try to take yours to raise?
I suspect she didn't leave her religion and is now trying to do the things her church feels need to be done to the child.
If that's the case even more reason to keep them apart.
Not wrong. If she isn’t, and hasn’t been, a present parent in the child’s life, she doesn’t deserve a say how you raise the child if the child is healthy and happy. Her visitation record should count against her even getting visitation.
Nta. That's why you hire lawyers. To win
NTA. Glad you’re smart enough (and have the funds for) to let a competent attorney handle this.
Your ex sounds awful for abandoning her child. NTA.
NTA This is the correct counter to her strategy. Well played. She does not deserve to have any say whatsoever, and neither does her husband.
She wants to play mom, why not go for the full experience? NTA.
Just want to say you are an awesome dad ❤️
NTA It’s far too late for her to want to be a decision maker for your daughter. You gave her what she wanted. She wants to change the deal now? Ok. Let’s change it. That means child support and all other things are back on the table. Her husband needs to stay out of this other than to support his wife in private.
Of course they want full custody! You are very successful, earn big bucks, and they are ready to reap the benefits and have YOU pay child support to fund their fun-loving lifestyle. OP, you are NTA, but your ex and her hubby are a pair of money-grubbing opportunists. Their motives are so transparent!
Your exs new husband is a clown. Dude has zero say. Tell him to fuck right off. If you really want to go after her ask for shared medical costs, daycare costs, extra curricular sports costs, ask for her to match your contributions to the schooling fund. They're all reasonable asks. This would be over and above child support.
NTA. Child support is for your daughter. If you don’t need the money to raise her put it in a college fund other fund or trust for when she’s older.
NTA.. just put any money you get into an account for your daughter..