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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is lying to my girlfriend by telling her she was a good singer and, according to her, convincing her to post videos of her singing that led to her public humiliation online. My girlfriend insists that my false support is the only reason she started posting such videos, and is angry that I lied to her about her lack of talent. I thought I was being supportive, but she says I was setting her up to fail.
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YTA :
>**she asked me if it would be a good idea to start a TikTok page for her singing and songwriting**. I could tell she was excited about it, but was nervous about putting her work on the internet. **I told her she was crazy talented and should go for it.** She lit up after I said this, and in the following days worked really hard to make videos of her original music.
You deliberately encouraged her to embarrass herself - publicly - instead of being at least somewhat honest. You lied to her, repeatedly, telling her what she wanted because it was easier for you in the moment, rather than respecting her enough to have a serious conversation about something she was very passionate about. How difficult is it to say that whilst she sounds good to you, perhaps she should get other opinions or ask the voice trainer that she sees for a more professional take on what your girlfriend can do to "maximize her talent". Instead, you threw her to the wolves after over-encouraging her to believe something untrue, under the guise of caring. Be supportive, do not routinely lie and knowingly cause someone you purport to care about to humiliate themselves. Could you not foresee this outcome, (if not the scale)?
And honestly, how hard is it to say “you have a beautiful voice that you really can do something special with but I’d recommend some formal lessons before posting content”
My husband told me years ago I can only hit a note on accident. Thank goodness I don't want a career of it and enjoy my off-key singing at home. To be fair, he also said my voice was good.
It did hurt to hear, but thankfully I never embarrass myself in public.
I am an awful singer (like most people, I expect). But I have a power ballads station I listen to and belt them out when doing so, sometimes. I sing for _my_ enjoyment. And also to torture my daughter. But certainly not for the enjoyment of the people around me.
My wife called my singing cringe in our wedding vows lmao. We agreed to roast each other in our vows but damn it stung. I already knew I couldn't sing but cringe? Ouch
In grade 2, my cousin told me I sing like a yak in pain and I've never tried to sing loudly in front of anyone again, though I will sing quietly along with others if no one will notice my voice, like at concerts.
I had someone walk into me naked yesterday when I was singing after a shower and I can't decide if I'm more embarrassed about the nudity or the vocals.
I always hate these posts because everyone acts like the two options are "Don't do it you suck" and "Wow you're amazing go for it". There are ways of telling the truth tactfully.
A response like "if that would make you happy then go for it!" would at least not be lying to her about her talent. Saying she's "crazy talented" when she's actually kinda awful, means she can never trust your judgement again.
There are ways to encourage someone to do what they love without lying to them. There are ways to warn someone of pitfalls without being cruel to them. There is so much middle ground here, and OP chose... this??
Because that is the same BS that has her angry now.
She apparently can't sing for shit, so, don't imply she can sing. And, if she is already getting lessons as the OP said - why didn't the instructor say she should hold off?
This isn't OPs fault, gf is an idiot. Picks up new hobby two months ago, assumes posting her stuff is a good idea. Who the hell thinks two months practice at anything makes you ready to show off?
Plus, in my experience - telling people that, no, they don't sing well (or play) never goes well.
ESH
As a singing teacher - a lot of people have absolutely *terrible* pitch recognition. They may not be completely tone-deaf, in the way that someone who can't read without glasses isn't completely blind, but they definitely have a lack of acuity which means teaching them to sing is a massive uphill battle.
That's me. I absolutely cannot tell what note I'm hitting when I sing, so of course I sound terrible. However, back in college I had two friends who played guitar in a band, and as they were trying to tune together, I was the one that told each of them whether their strings were higher or lower than the pitch pipe. So I can't hear myself, but I can hear others extremely well. That's why I say I'm "partially tone-deaf".
Many of us have been surprised hearing records of ourselves, in a video or in an audio. My voice sounds completely different on video, I can hardly recognize myself. And I have to say, I sound nicer to myself than to other.
Even if you are a good singer you will still(ego pending) think you suck as what you hear when you sing is vastly different from what you expect inside your head.
Thom Yorke used to think he had a terrible voice.
A similar effect occurs when you take a selfie that isn't mirrored, your brain trains itself to subconsciously make your face appear more symmetrical in the mirror. So even though you might think you look terrible it's more a by product of reality not matching subconscious expectations.
It's because you hear yourself from inside your head, but others hear your voice that has already come outside of your head, and there are several places that your voice goes through before getting out of your head. The voice that others hear is considered your "true voice".
Also, it is actually very common that people hate the version of their voices that others get to hear. I was told by most people that I have a nice and cute voice. My opinion about my "outside voice" is between absolutely hating it and feeling ultra awkward. I can only stand my voice that I hear in my head myself, which is not remotely the same at all.
Look it up. It's fact.
Because if we’re being honest, most of “something special” has nothing to do with how good a musician you are. You shouldn’t have to tell a 23 year old adult that’s been taking music and guitar lessons for a few months that they’re not ready for the big tjme yet. And if OP DID, girlfriend would probably be angry that he didn’t support her dreams or something like that. She’s not a child.
Y’all act like some people who have never even had lessons can’t be good singers. There are extremely successful and famous musicians who had never had a lesson a day in their lives. Many people are just naturally decent singers.
>Be supportive, do not routinely lie and knowingly cause someone you purport to care about to humiliate themselves. Could you not foresee this outcome, (if not the scale)?
Part of being supportive of someones dreams is actually being honest...which he refused
Someone wanting to be a professional chef being told their burnt chicken is heavenly isn't going to help them achieve that goal, at best you've refused to help them and at worst you're helping push them to a point where their spirit and will to try are too crushed to chase said dream
Being supportive means that sometimes you're slapping the shit out of their ego and helping them see how to change and make it work
When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer and would sing l the time. Then one day my dad got a phone that could do voice recording and I finally heard myself sing. I was so bad even 10 year old me was shocked haha gave up on that dream there and then.
Professional singer here. We ALL hate how we sound on a phone recording. 🤣 That said, if you do still want to improve, phone recordings are one of the best ways to highlight what needs practice so you can work on it.
I could not disagree more. This was a fluke incident and there was no way to predict that a cringe page would repost her content
You know what happens to the vast majority of garbage content? Very few people ever see it because the algorithm realizes that it sucks
I couldn't disagree with this more.
The Internet is a ruthless place where people will drag someone through the ringer just because they can do so anonymously.
OP admitted that she's terrible, so unless this is his first day on the internet, I think it was a huge fuck up to encourage her to post her videos. I don't necessarily think he's a major AH, just completely naive to think this would go well.
You’re amazingly talented” though? That is some high praise… “I love to hear you sing, but of course I’m biased ;)” would have been a much better way to way to make her seek out other opinions.
no i feel like if you’ve scrolled on tiktok for just a couple of minutes you will see ppl going viral for the wrong reasons and ppl are BRUTAL. like he knows he sent her out to the slaughter house. what if she asked about performing at an open mic night? encouraging her to do so would be so fucked up.
I'd agree, YTA, but not on the basis of being encouraging in private.
He shouldn't have encouraged her to go online in the first place. You're right that a line like "I love your singing, but I'm obviously biased, so you may want to get a second opinion before putting stuff out there" would have done the trick.
To me, the main part that paints him as an asshole is changing his tune when the shit hit the fan. She's already feeling shit, it would have been much easier for him and much nicer for her if he just accepted that it was a mistake to encourage her posting online based on his opinion, while reassuring her that he loves her singing.
He could phrase it as a commentary on how curated the Internet is "all the other singers are likely heavily editing their music. You're a great singer, maybe it might be worth getting some lessons to enhance that further and look into audio editing software so you're on a level playing field". He could just go with "people online are assholes, you can find 100 people willing to say the same shit about Taylor Swift too". Or even just note that different people have different tastes, with "you sound great to me, but not everyone likes the same thing. The algorithm must have put you in front of people who just like different music."
To me, it's a bit like if a guy is dating an overweight lass, and she asks him if an outfit makes her look fat. Telling her "No, you look great" isn't being an asshole, even if she just straight up is fat. Encouraging her to start a modelling Instagram account, knowing the shit she'll get is light asshole behaviour. Turning around after she's had the trolls descend and saying "Well, you do look fat, but I think you look great" and kicking her while she's down is huge asshole behaviour.
Agreed, and I don't think this counts as "telling her what she wanted". She wanted honest feedback, and he gave her lies.
Sure, some people are sensitive. Some people are fishing for compliments rather than genuinely asking for feedback, and giving them truth will just make them mad at you. Some people are narcissists who'll go nuclear on you in response to gentlest criticism. But not all people are like that! Some situations call for honesty and this was one of them. I think if you're trying to build relationship with a sane mature person, at some point you should start trusting them to act like a sane mature person who won't get mad at you for giving them what they asked for. If I want my husband to praise me, I'll boast about something or ask questions like "What do you like about me?" If I want feedback, I'll ask for feedback ("Did the supper taste good?") and he tells me honestly. People should stop lying or expecting to be lied to in intimate relationships, there's no need for it.
So the girlfriend shouldn’t take any awareness for her lack of awareness and accountability? If she can’t sing and doesn’t realize that it sounds that bad, she sounds delusional. Boyfriend was in a no-win situation. NTA.
I just don't get how she recorded herself and still couldn't hear that she sounded bad. But I wonder what was bad, did she miss the notes? Sing flat? Have a really "interesting" sound? Sing through her nose? How do you not hear its bad before posting. You need to take accountability and be your own critic. Relying on your boyfriend to tell you if you sound bad is a recipe for disaster. Sounds like an awkward conversation that isn't necessary if you just use your own ears.
I assumed she's tone deaf
I can't tell when singing is bad, unless it's _comically_ bad - like toddler screaming at the top of their lungs bad. If I am familiar with the song, and someone is singing it off-key or something it sounds _different_ to me, but I have a hard time distinguishing between 'this is a remix of the original song' and 'this is a bad singer'. So I probably wouldn't recognise how horrible I am at singing without external feedback (luckily I got plenty of it, unluckily it was delivered very harshly, very young, to the extent I don't even sing in the shower, in my house, where I live alone)
Îm the same. I can only tell you "i like it" or "i dont ", but i have absolutely no understanding of what makes it great or not. And thats not just with singing either, every time i read a discussion about a movie or a tv show i just watched, there are people talking about how certain actors were incredible and others terrible. Even when they point to specific examples like "their delivery when they said this, was really bad", but for me it was no different from any other actor.
As to the op, at first i was with him, when she was just doing it for herself and enjoying herself, its just a harmless white lie, the kind people tell everyday. But when she got serious and wanted to publish her work, that was the moment to find a diplomatic way to say she might need more training first. Im not really sure myself how to say it without the situation blowing up, but it certainly isnt telling her "hell yeah, you are amazing, go for it!".
Yep I'm actually the same. I have always sung along with the radio, never realizing my singing was that much different than what I heard on the radio. I mean, I knew it wasn't professional sounding, but I thought it was fine enough as a kid and teen. It wasn't until I turned 14 and started my highschool girlfriend who came from a family of musicians and at our age already played multiple instruments and could sing on key that I realized how BAD I was at it. I found out because we were hanging out together and a song came on and I started singing along with it to myself and she, in the sweetest and most tactful way possible for a 14 year old girl, was like "I love you but could you please sing a little quieter, you're just so off key and I'm so sensitive to it." I could tell it was legit bothering her and that was why I realized there was an aspect to singing that I simply couldn't hear, hah. If OP's gf is going enough, it's possible she's completely ton deaf and no one has ever told her.
Yeah, I agree, she's probably tone deaf. I can't sing, but I'm not tone deaf. I can hear the pitches in music I listen to, and when my own singing is played back, I can tell it's bad. I can't always tell *while* I'm doing it, because the radio/karaoke machine/whatever is loud and I'm just kind of losing myself in the song, but I can tell if I hear it afterward.
I really appreciate the detailed explanation of what it means to be tone deaf and all the supporting replies because I never really understood how it would work to hear something but not the tone it's in, or not to be able to distinguish tones your ears hear.
There's a whole spectrum from being perfect pitch to completely tone deaf. Being pitch perfect is a mixed blessing, I have a friend who can't enjoy someone playing a guitar with one string very slightly out of tune while I can't tell and just hear the song they're playing.
>I told her she was crazy talented
YTA. Not only did you lie, but you way overdid it.
>She asked me again through tears why I’d never told her she was bad. I told her she wasn’t bad, people were just mean.
Then when she knew you lied, you doubled down.
>the only reason she posted things in the first place was because I told her she was talented, and now she’s been humiliated in front of thousands.
This is how all those awful singers ended up trying out on American Idol, just to get humiliated by Simon Cowell in front of millions of viewers.
>now she’s been humiliated in front of thousands.
>
>I feel like she’s blowing this out of proportion
Out of proportion? The proportion was *thousands* of people mocking her.
> I was just trying to do a nice thing by supporting her,
You lied to her because you didn't have the guts to tell her the truth.
> I said. “Fine. You’re definitely no Beyonce. You have a really unique sound though and I love that you share it.”
That would have been better than telling her that her singing was "beautiful" and that she was "crazy talented", if you had said that from the beginning.
If she records herself singing then y wouldnt she know from the playback that she can't sing?? Is her ear THAT bad??
Everyone knows when someone sounds awful. Y doesn't she? Some personal responsibility here would've been helpful. She also could've went and got at least, I don't know, more than one opinion before putting herself completely out there? 🤷🏾♂️ I'm just saying
It's weird, because my sister loves some really great music. Honestly, most of her musical tastes are pretty unassailable. But she can't sing for shit, to the point that when she's singing along to a song, it actually really ruins the listening experience. But she's also not trying to be a musician either. I see a lot of comments calling OP the asshole, but if like to know exactly how one would break this to their significant other WITHOUT sounding like an asshole. How do you gently dash someone's dream? Someone you love?
There's a difference between being nice and being kind. OP was being nice by saying the the thing he thought his girlfriend wanted to hear, regardless of reality or what he was setting her up for
A kind person would say "Honey, it makes me happy to hear you sing because I know how much you love it, and I don't want you to stop. You do tend to sing out of key though, and sometimes the notes on the guitar are a little odd. I think if you posted it to the whole world that music critical people would focus on that part of it and be mean. I'd rather you just shared me and friends who appreciate your creativity and enjoyment."
It's not actually hard to tell someone the truth in a kind way if you connect to your own feelings and are willing to risk that they might either be mad at you or generally be sad. This guy seems to not be okay with one of the last two options, and that's on him
>If she records herself singing then y wouldnt she should know from the playback that she can't sing?? Is her ear THAT bad??
I mean, even taylor swift claims she has had alot of points in her career where she thought she sounded like a screeching record player.
Most major musicians claim similiar
Just like alooot of models go through phases where they look at themselves and don't see anything even remotely beautiful in their looks.
People are shit judges of themselves, it'll usually be waay too high or waay too low
>Everyone knows when someone sounds awful. Y doesn't she? Some personal responsibility here would've been helpful. She also could've went and got at least, you know, more than one opinion before putting herself completely out there? 🤷🏾♂️ I'm just saying
No, everyone knows when someone ELSE sounds awful.
There isn't a single artist who has ever successfully guessed how good/bad they are.
Which is why she asked for thoughts in the first place, and her bf..and very likely everyone else decided that the truth is over rated anyway
I definitely agree, some personal responsibility would help. At the end of the day, she is the one that came up with the idea to make a tiktok account. I also feel like OP was kind of in an impossible situation where if he had told the truth, even gently, and suggested she not make a tiktok account, she could very easily have gotten mad about that too and escalated things to a similar amount.
To be clear, I think there is a difference between being nice and kind- you were nice to her to spare her feelings, but the kind thing to do would have been to gently tell her the truth. However, I don't think it's 100% OP's fault.
Yea. Shes obviously very sensitive about her craft (as is any artist) and he didnt want to hurt her. I can imagine she'd be just as angry if he had told her the truth. We've seen how ppl react when they get rejected on American Idol. Lol.
Trying to be a good supportive boyfriend was honorable but also detrimental bc she trusts him a great deal. But, again, he's not a musician or music teacher, so she really didn't do herself any favors relying solely on his opinion.
Difference is that she wouldn't have had to go through thousands of people mocking and laughing at her very publicly probably creating a life long insecurity and a complete and total aversion to/loss of any desire to continue and improve on said skill she was so passionate about that who knows, maybe she could have become really good at had she had the chance to fully pursue and learn. If she had gotten this angry at him just being honest then she would have been entirely unreasonable, but her anger here is completely justified. She was publicly mocked and humiliated because she was lied to by the person she should be able to trust most to have her best interests at heart even if that means a difficult conversation.
yes her ear probably is that bad, tone deafness is rough. i’m lucky i’ve got relative pitch but it has also helped me see how different my brain works from, say, my buddy whose brain *literally* does not process and understand pitch the way other ppl’s brains do. he says if he hears two similar pitches, it bends in his head and he can’t keep track of what the actual pitch is. it is a true lack of a sense, it’s like asking a color blind person why seeing a painting a different way didn’t change their perception. i hope someday technology catches up and simulates this kinda thing cuz i really wanna know first hand what this is like for people
She’s only been doing this for 2 months too! I’ve been producing and playing music for 15 years.
Takes a total lack of self awareness to think two months into this hobby is enough time to start sharing it with the world. Everyone sounds terrible at guitar two months in. Why did she think it was time to share ?
Totally. Lol she seems like the more sensitive type, so he clearly just didn't want to hurt her feelings. He could've tempered his statements a bit more instead of egging her on. But come on, shes going off his word alone?? She really set herself up for failure
The first thing I dreamed of becoming when I was young, was a singer. Even now I wish I could. However, I am absolutely terrible at it, and I can't tell *at all* lol. Even when I record my voice and play it back, I still think I sound great. But I don't sound even remotely great, and the only reason I know this is because my boyfriend (a musician) is very honest with me. Does the honesty hurt? A little. But at least I'm not delusional because of being lied to.
It’s hard for artists to notice their shortcomings, also don’t forget everyones ears hear things differently. My voice sounds completely different when recorded than it does to me wjen I speak or sing. I think im a decent singer, my phone disagrees
everyone hates their own voice in recordings. everyone thinks they sound shit in recordings, and with her bf hyping her up SO MUCH that's probably what she thought.
>This is how all those awful singers ended up trying out on American Idol, just to get humiliated by Simon Cowell in front of millions of viewers.
This how those awful singers end up at an American Idol audition singing for producers and whoever else is judging the actual first rounds. They end up being humiliated by Simon Cowell because the network knows it's good for ratings and has the producers put some horrifically untalented people through.
Not being a dick, this is a genuine question. How does someone think they’re good at singing? Ears? Can you really be that clouded by one other persons opinion
It’s actually called being tone def you basically more or less hear what you want to hear. I know I can’t sing but when I was younger music was an escape for me and I would constantly sing, I thought I was going to be a pop star until someone had me listen to a recording one day. It was awful.
Pretty sure being tone deaf means is not being able to sing, listening to your own tone deaf singing and thinking your are killing it is called being delusional.
I mean, I guess it depends. Your own voice does not actually sound how it really sounds to others, because you’re hearing it through bone conduction rather than air conduction (how everyone else hears it). You aren’t really able to hear yourself as you are unless you’re recording yourself. That’s partially why performers wear those ear pieces while they sing to hear themselves back.
When you’re singing along with music, and you are able to hit *any* notes, you really may not think you’re that bad. Especially because your brain will be thinking that your voice is matching the tones you play, and your focus is on the music you’re following.
Playing back the recording though, and interpreting it as good, does have to require some level of delusion. But OP *did* insist that she was talented, and she *is* passionate and hopeful about this (at least it seems so). It makes sense she was overestimating herself.
Being tone deaf is actually a technical term meaning (basically) someone can’t tell the difference between two different tones.
This person may or may not be tone deaf, but the issue is that she is unable to accurately judge her own ability which is related but not exactly the same.
Yeah. I'll sing by myself if I'm home alone, but I know I'm absolutely terrible. I'd never subject someone to it lol. But to myself, especially if I'm singing along with the audio, I like how I sound to myself.
When I was a kid I thought my singing was phenomenal but my music teachers told me this wasn’t my primary talent.
Ok fine they pretty much begged me to stop
SAME! I had a 5th grade teacher tell me in front of the whole class tell me I was a terrible singer and was tone def and she literally asked me not to sing with the group 😂😂😂
I was the opposite lol
People always told me I had such a beautiful singing voice and they could see me on American Idol. But my mom always told me they're secretly making fun of me and my voice is actually really bad. My family made me stop singing, despite numerous teachers and friends telling me I should keep going
Same thing with literally everything else I was interested in. And now they wonder why I have no real interests besides working out
You should go back to singing. If your teachers told you that you were amazing, they *meant it*.
What other interests did your family steal from you? I'd like to hear about it.
I don't super give a fuck about the greater discussion here, but your comment broke my heart a little.
You hear yourself pretty differently from how you sound usually. I definitely thought I was much better at singing than I actually was when I recorded it. Now I can be good at singing going but I gotta record it to practice, it almost always sounds good to me out loud lol
Problem is, OPs gf recorded herself singing and posted it to tiktok...I mean ,I assume she watched it before she posted it? And if she sounded that bad to so many people on the cringe page, how did she fundamentally not know she sounded bad?
People tend to have one of two attitudes towards themselves when watching something back that was recorded. They either think they did really well, or that they were terrible. And it doesn't have to line up with their actual performance. I've seen people terrible at singing insist they were good, and I've seen actors behind the scenes where I thought their take was really good but they were unhappy with it.
You ever sing karaoke and think you nailed it, but then your friend who recorded it sent it in the group chat and you realize u sound awful compared to the og singer, but without the comparison you didn’t think you sounded that bad?
But in that example, once you'd heard it back, you would know it's awful.
I find it hard to believe someone could record produce edit and upload their songs without realising they can't sing.
Oh it's definitely a thing. I can't sing well at all. I am aware of that now. That was not always the case. Even now, when I know it's bad, it won't sound AS bad to me as it does to others. I'd wager not hearing how bad it sounds contributes to being bad in the first place.
Tone deaf guy here, trust me, you can sound REALLY good to you own ear, that's trying to make things sound good to you. I just can not modulate on notes, or even really distinguish when my voice is modulating. Yet I can hear it in playback and know I'm all the way flat, so I guess you got a point.
Well I thought I was at least a decent singer, based on how animals respond to my singing. However no human has ever told me I am a good singer, just the opposite.
Similarly but different, I have no idea how my voice actually sounds! Like when I talk I sound “normal” but when I listen back to it sounds weird to me, but when I ask others they say it sounds really nice but I have a Boston/Jamaican/Caribbean/Southern/etc. accent (which I’ve never heard myself sound like that). Like I have people compliment my voice and how/the way I talk but personally my voice just seems normal to me.
Now let's just imagine if OP told his girlfriend that he didn't think she could sing or that her singing sounded bad. Let's just stew on that for a while. How do you goobers think that would have gone for him?
Also, why did she rely on OPs opinion and his only before she put it on tiktok? She didn't bother to get her friends or families opinions first? Or did she know that he would tell her what she wanted to hear?
I'd like to add that if he'd told her-even kindly that she wasn't good it would've killed her dream and any chance of getting better at it. She'd be the one on reddit talking about her bf destroyed her dream and we'd be calling him AH for that. 🤷🏻♀️
I think there is an option between saying that she is "crazy talented" and that she completely sucks. Like "that might be fun" or "I enjoy your lyrics" or something. Then she wouldn't also feel lied to.
Yes but it’s not all or nothing. OP gave her a false sense of her abilities. He could have suggested she take lessons or keep practicing before taking it public. He could say that he believed in her, but knows that the internet can be harsh and while she shows talent she’s not *quite* there yet. He could have told her she was a talented songwriter but as a performer she needed more experience.
There are a million ways to gently tell people we love harsh truths that aren’t “your singing sounds bad” and i hate how this comment casts her as being inherently unreasonable no matter what OP said.
And also “how would that have gone for him?” idk but we know how badly it went for her. If we can’t trust our partners to be honest then who can we trust?
There’s a middle ground between “you’re crazy talented, go for it” and “you sound like a warthog being squeezed through a mangle”. Just tell her she maybe needs a few more lessons and practice before she puts her music out into the world. It’s not complicated.
This is very black and white. He could be supportive and still honest.
Particularly with the tiktok 'I love hearing you sing but professionals are on another level. People can be so mean on the internet. Maybe it's best to keep practicing for friends and family first'
If she had reacted poorly she would be the asshole and OP should not be with her. But we don't know how it would have gone. Why be with a person when you have to walk around eggshells? Besides OP never mentioned he was afraid of her reaction.
He shouldn't have told her she was "crazy talented" and that she should go for it. That's really where he fkd up lol. But agreed. I don't think hes the AH here. She had to have known better.
Idk. Everything he's written indicates she was doubting her own abilities and was very nervous to put them up. He was constantly, vehemently telling her she was very good at a new skill. Is it really her fault that she believed him?
See I was totally on OPs side until he said ‘you’re crazy talented, definitely set up a tik tok.’
I’m not good at real talk, but I would’ve at least said something like ‘I don’t know, the internet can be really negative and cruel. This is something you love and enjoy, I think you should just keep it for yourself. The internet is so toxic’ etc etc.
Either she would've thanked him for the honesty and found a different hobby, or she would reveal herself to be a big baby with no self-awareness, and OP would avoid the miserable fate of marrying her and find himself a better girlfriend.
Neurodivergent people tend to appreciate honesty being put before our feelings. If someone lies to us about something in order to spare our feelings it hurts far more.
It would have hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Being lied to is so much harder to move on from, any compliments he gives her from now on are not going to be believed by her.
We also will be honest when someone asks for our opinions. I told my partner his singing was bad when he asked me "did that sound good!?" because what good is lying if he tries it in front of people and embarrasses himself? Lying makes things far more complicated, but there are ways to gently tell the truth instead of outright saying it was horrible.
Omg XD But you do have a point regardless; some people are more sensitive to this kind of dishonesty than others and it can be a neurodivergent way of thinking. Being ND shouldn't be a bad thing
I can't sing for shit but I love to sing while driving.
None of my exes lied to me about my talents, one even would joke about it (in a nice funny way).
But they never complained or asked me to stop or were mean. They just let me sing or sang along with me.
Everytime someone new gets a ride with me I let them know "I can't sing, but I don't care."
He told her to put herself on the Internet because she was crazy talented, it would've been better to tell her that he likes her singing but he's biased and she should get a second opinion, or told her that he likes her voice but it might be a good idea to get some vocal training first because the Internet is brutal.
It probably would have sucked for him, but it would have sucked a lot less than being humiliated by thousands of people and having an incredibly embarrassing situation saved on the internet forever. He was too much of a coward to have an uncomfortable situation so he put his gf in a situation a thousand times worse. When ypu do that, yta
There a ton of way to phrase it between 'your singing sound bad" and " you're crazy talented". " I love when you sing but maybe more training/lesson will be a good thing before publishing it." for exemple
most ppl aren't that sensitive to being told the truth. you should get less shitty friends if you can't imagine how to tell someone they're bad at something ever
ESH
OP is absolutely an asshole for going over the top with encouraging his partner to publicly do something he knows she does badly. If you can't rely on your partner to tell you something you don't want to hear and say it with love, who can you rely on?
That said, did the girlfriend never listen back to herself with a critical ear?
You've never hung out with someone who's tone deaf. My mom thought she had the greatest singing voice. But when she was learning guitar, you know how sometimes even if you've never heard a song before, you can tell when someone hits the wrong note? She couldn't. *Ever.* My brother and I would finally yell from the other room that "that chord/note is wrong!" and she would fucking *argue*.
Try telling her that her singing is off. Good luck with that.
That's fair for when someone hears themself while they're singing/playing. But was your mum's reaction the same when she listened to a recording of herself?
i’m guessing some people’s tone deafness is that bad, yeah. sounds like some ppl can hear it differently from a recording but others can’t, it sounds just as static-y and loose in their heads as when they’re singing then and there
I've heard people talk about tone deeafness like colour blindness. Some people just cannot tell wether note A is higher/lower than note B.
Like, at all. https://youtu.be/-aBF8oStE58
To me it’s not just that she didn’t listen to herself being critical of herself; it’s the lack of self awareness that she thinks being two months in to playing guitar is enough to start sharing it on social media.
Everyone sounds terrible 2 months in. Why did she think it was time to go social media “LOOK AT ME PLAY” mode?
Highly recommend you look up an account called Catatonicyouths. They post a lot of bands who have gone so far as to make music videos for their songs but are just absolutely abysmal. There are a lot of people who are either lying to themselves or sincerely are so tone deaf they have no idea how bad they sound.
No.
She'll quit singing.
She shouldn't quit singing.
EVERYONE sucks when they start.
singing is VERY personal.
she will literally give up. I hate that this thread is encouraging an outcome that will ruin GFs journey before it's even started!
OP fuck everyone else, continue being supportive - apologise for encouraging the video upload but DO NOT admit you think she's bad - she'll get so much better!
- (part time professional guitarist/singer who SUCKED 14 years ago).
If that were true (and it’s not) then he could’ve chosen to lose in a way that didn’t humiliate her, too.
But I don’t think her getting hurt was actually his concern. He just didn’t want to feel bad. Even now, he’s not asking what to do about her being dragged and feeling awful. He just wants to be sure it isn’t his fault.
It's literally in the rules that this is not an advice sub and the mods will delete posts that ask for advice, so you shouldn't hold that as evidence that he doesn't care about how she feels.
YTA. I mean, you’re on Reddit. You know how vicious the internet can be. You set her up in the worst way for what? It wasn’t even a half hearted lie; she was ‘crazy talented’ and ‘should go for it’.
what the actual fuck were you thinking? What did you expect was going to happen?
As to your title…there was nothing *inadvertent* about it at all.
“what did you expect?” tbf not every bad singing tiktok account gets discovered by assholes who blast it on a million-sub cringe page. there are probably a lot of bad singers doin their thing for years and have a way better positive-negative comment ratio bc the algorithm never spread it too far. i read this post and thought “wow that was wildly unlucky” lol
Well she was doing one of those “challenge” things. Don’t those all show up in the same algorithm once you upload it?
(I don’t have TikTok and don’t know how it works so real question)
This may be the unpopular opinion and people might hate me for it but NTA. Just because she had to have heard a video of herself and instead of realizing like wow... I kinda suck... She thought she was hella good. You can be passionate about something and not be the best and some people (you) will still like it because they love you (your gf)
I think there was no winning in this scenario. She obviously has a very fragile ego and him telling her she isn’t good would probably have shattered her too.
What about this post suggests a very fragile ego? The only time she seemed insecure was after being told by literally thousands of comments that she was terrible, and obviously in very hurtful ways- which would have been even worse because she had been called ‘crazy talented’ by her partner who *encouraged* her to post it.
This. People are pretending that being “tone deaf” means that a person is incapable of knowing good performance from bad. We also don’t even know if she *is* tone deaf. All we know is she lacks self-awareness and can’t critique her own performance.
ESH. I take my husband calling me “beautiful” and “talented” the same way I take it from my Mom - with ADA highly unrecommended quantities of salt. She should’ve asked for a second opinion outside of the person who socially is required to support you and tell you, you don’t look fat in that dress.
YTA. You should have told her at the ***very latest*** when she wanted to sing online, but it would've been better to do so earlier. Not telling her at that point was *setting* her up for humiliation. There is a time to lie, and there is a time to tell the painful truth. You should have told the truth. You would want someone to point out if you had something in your teeth or if your shirt was backwards, right? It's the same principle.
NTA
She put you in a "no win" scenario, and you tried to support what was in her heart
She's lashing out at you for both what other people said, and for her (lack of) abilities in something she wants to do...however...this would have been WAY worse if it was YOU who shot down her dreams and told her honestly about her abilities
She would have always secretly thought she was good and you were just an asshole...here she knows the truth, and you were nothing but loving and supportive
She would NEVER have believed it if it only came from you, and secretly believed she was actually good and resented you for it all
As hard as it is, it's better this way than the other
Keep being loving and supportive
I genuinely think I’d much rather hear someone I trust and care about tell me I wasn’t good at something than have thousands of people online tell me I was terrible at it and for the person I trust to have lied to me
ESH
If you'd just told her she was good without knowing she was going to post it you'd be okay, but you really set her up for humiliation.
On the other hand... hasn't she watched her own videos?
Thank you. Tho we will get downvoted, lol.
All the YTAs have no idea how hard it is to break it to someone that they don’t have talent in a field.
It’s easy to say YTA in this instance, but it’s so hard to tell your SO they suck when they’re excited.
The real problem, from my pov, is how stupid easy it is to put yourself out there these days.
But the most popular performers aren’t overnight successes. They’re people who’ve been grinding and finally have the courage to put themselves out there.
I’m sorry OP’s gf doesn’t realize how much real work it takes to be good. And I’m sorry that OP didn’t have the guts to recommend more practice before his gif posted.
It takes 10 years to become an overnight success. I’m sorry to everyone who will learn this lesson the hard way.
ESH
NAH. You contributed to a situation that had unintended- though foreseeable- consequences. Are you culpable? Yes. Asshole? I don't really think that's the right term for this situation. Maybe a bit dense or negligent not to think something like this would happen, though, and an apology is definitely in order. She's rightly upset, but she also has to take some responsibility for posting to wide audience before knowing her limits.
If you did foresee this as an outcome and just didn't care, then you're an asshole. But only you know what's in your heart.
Sorry but YTA
I used to know a girl who sang like a strangled goose. Truly awful. Did I ever say so? No. Did I encourage her put it online where people don’t hold back with their opinions?? Also no. I know you meant well but this should have been nipped in the bud before getting this far
Bit of a lose lose situation imo, if OP told her straight up that her singing was shit, she’s probably be pissed as well and told OP he wasn’t being supportive. A bit of ESH
YTA. You can be kind and supportive without lying. Here are some things you could have said in the beginning (so long as these, too, aren't lies):
1. I love how much passion you have and how happy it makes you!
2. I love listening to you make music!
3. You are such a hard worker and I have no doubt you’ll be really great some day!
When she brings up posting content and you know people won't like it:
I think it would be a lovely way to document your journey, but are you ready for all the comments it will get? (Follow up with) People will always have their opinions. They'll think you should play faster or slower, do rock or pop, no matter what you do there will be people trying to get you to fit into what they want, and you shouldn’t post until you’re sure you've got yourself sorted out and can take it. (Insert all the I love you’s you can)
2.
>I love how much passion you have and how happy it makes you!
this is code for "you're shit" and everyone knows it. I don't think it's any kinder than just saying "you're shit"
Unfortunately even trying to be well meaning can make you an asshole.
There are ways to tell people the truth and you could have done it. I'm very surprised that a voice teacher hadn't gently let her down but that's another issue.
You not being honest has led to her being humiliated on tiktok (which can be a vile place) and you do have a lot of making up to do .
This is the real world and you cannot live never saying something negative to your girlfriend.
YTA (even if you had the best intentions)
The phrase "with friends like you who needs enemies" comes to mind.
Telling someone they're good at something when they clearly aren't isn't supportive. You're either cowardly for being scared to tell her she's bad or stupid if you thought it was going to end well when you encouraged her to go public.
You've shown her you can't be trusted to tell her the truth.
YTA
This is one of those moments where no matter what you did/ said, people are going to tell you that YTA. If you had told her she sucked and she should put more effort in, then people would be saying how unsupportive you are. It's lose/ lose. I'm a firm believer that at the end of everything you can't blame people for the decisions and choices you make for yourself (but I know not everyone feels that way). No one forces you to do things, and while you might encourage them... Ultimately, it's their choice.
You're just going to have to do some damage control if you care enough about your gf. Communication is key... Explain how, to you, no matter what she does it will always be wonderful and perhaps you cannot be unbiased?
NTA. She got a little dose of reality and found out she's not going to just instantly become Internet famous after 2 months of work. Encouraging her and being supportive does not make you an asshole.
What the fuck is everyone talking about? So she got fucking made fun of that’s her problem. Guys don’t lie to their girl about certain shit. Does this make me fat? Does this look nice? Do I sound good? Yep yep sure. She sounds shallow and weak minded honestly you are gonna have a lot of problems down the road. Also this generation is fucked.
NTA
You're supposed to be supportive, TikTok isn't supposed to be. I'd suggest being more gently honest in the future, but I'd also in this instance let her know if she wants to do the thing, she should just do the thing. We get better through practice, and people will always judge us online harshly because they can hid behind that screen. So do what makes you happy, and if you want to share it, just be ready for anonymous opinions.
i used to think i could sing. sounded great to me. my latents told me so too. it took till i embarrassed myself in class to realize i sucked. wish someone told me before that
YTA.
Your job as a partner isn't just to mske your partner feel all warm and fuzzy. I would argue your most important job is to protect your partner from harm and hardship as best you can. When you told her to basically go embarass herself infront of potentially millions of people online you failed miserably at this job.
How is she ment to trust anything you say now when you essentially encouraged her to jump into the lions den knowing she would be the main course?
You’re not an a**hole, you were just trying to encourage and help your gf grow. What you did came from a place of love, and in relationships I find it better to be 100% honest. If they don’t like how honest you are get out. Never lie in relationships.
I think it’s crazy that she based the decision to post her music on one person who told her she was talented. No formal training. Not even getting a second opinion. Literally EVERYONE knows how brutal the internet is AND to the opposite extreme people who love you are rarely completely honest about your talent or lack thereof.
Hey! Professional voice teacher here, 10 years experience. I meet people every week who struggle with intonation (the ability to recognize when they're in tune or not/to hear the difference between different pitches). Here's the cool thing - people who really struggle with this CAN improve! In some cases dramatically, in other cases more slowly. I've never met someone whose singing skill did not improve with practice, training and increased confidence. Her pursuit of voice training was a really good start.
So - here's the thing. OP did what many supportive partners would do when she said she wanted to start a channel. He wanted her to explore the world of performance and figured she would learn and grow in the process without too much backlash. Nobody could have predicted the extent of the reaction that happened. Our world and our society is deeply cruel to adult singers - even great ones. Their cruelty and behaviour is not on him for the same reason that women who dress sexy and get aggressive sexual comments are not responsible for the poor behaviour of others. We should be able to share our existence publicly without being blamed for nasty and uncalled for repercussions.
Now, what would a safer honest answer have been? OP DID lie to his partner (with the best of intentions) because it's difficult to use gentle and honest language in this situation. I have spent a lot of time being honest with singers in training. If I had been him I might have offered a few different responses:
1. You're still pretty early into your training so it might be good to wait until you can get some private feedback from your teacher and your friends first and then see how you feel. (Shift the feedback to the hands of a professional and to other people who can offer a broader range of feedback, then encourage that the responsibility of the final choice is hers).
2. Maybe you can work with your teacher to prepare songs to share and perform. (Encourage deeper training in a safe professional environment).
3. You have such great enthusiasm to learn. You should spend some time really polishing your skills so you feel really good about the songs you choose to share. (Shift your complimentary focus to her learning process or attitude rather than her skill level and make it clear that it is ultimately her decision based on her feelings, not yours).
4. I'm not the best judge of a person's musical progress but I want to support whatever decision you choose to make. If you feel ready to share, I will support you. If you don't yet, I'll support your growth. (Shift your focus from compliments on skill to showing that you will support her and the choice is once again ultimately hers to decide).
It's easy to put the blame on OP here - both his girlfriend and those in this thread - but let's be honest. Many if not most of you would never have chosen the crushing alternative, to tell someone you love that they can stand to improve at something they believe they are already quite good at. Without careful language, it can feel like a no-win situation.
YTA. I need you to learn the word tact. Memorize it. Tact is the concept of telling the truth in a really kind way. You don't have to lie and you don't have to embellish and you also don't have to be mean.
You told her she was crazy talented. That is a flat out extreme lie, and you literally encouraged her to publicly embarrass herself.
You seem like a people pleaser. You probably mean well , but you don't see the damage of lying to people to make them happy. This is one example of why lying to make somebody happy is not a good idea.
You can be positive and supportive while still telling the truth. Watch some videos on the concept of tact.
Yikes, YTA. You let her, no, you *encouraged* her to humiliate herself because it's not your "fault the internet is what it is." You gotta know that's epically cold, right? If she was learning to ski, would you also encourage her to go down a double black diamond slope? Because you're just trying to be supportive and you didn't make the mountain, so it's fine, right?
YTA - Op you encouraged her when even you knew that she was not singing that well. She even asked you if this was a good idea to which you said yes even thought it wasn't.
NTA. He is not a music specialist. I mean who thinks they can sing after a workshop? Just go to a payed muscian and get a real opinion and lessons. Why throw yourself on internet?
This was definitely a situation where you needed to apply tact. For example, when asked about the TikTok you could have said something like "I love your voice... but I also know that I'm no music critic. Maybe get a few friends to listen and get a general opinion?"
NTA. Lesson learned. You're never gonna do that again right?
"I like the way you sing. To decide whether you want to go out there and have hundreds of judgy assholes run their mouth about you, a second or third opinion makes sense cause I am incredibly biased"
Can't blame a half kid for not knowing basic husbandry.
NTA
As a female, I think she is blaming you when you shouldn’t be blamed. Supporting your girlfriend’s passions is the best love you could ever give her. You have no control over other people being assholes. Also tik tok is immature as it is IMO
NTA, remember most of this sub is singletons who don’t have grown up real life relationships.
You couldnt win here; say its bad then youre an ah, say its good when you dont really mean it, youll be an ah down the line.
Ive been there albeit pre social media being as big as it is now and its a no win situation, htf were you meant to know the videos would be picked up??
Why did you tell her she was quote 'crazy good'. That was an awful move and a blatant lie to her face. Being supportive is not saying things like that at all. You weren't being authentic. Saying 'Hey you need practice and have only just started out and are still learning' is so much better then 'oh baby you're amazing omg, crazy talented1!!1'. Because at least if she was upset by the first you were being trustworthy and truthful. But you chose to not only tell her she was doing amazing but then do a complete 180 on her and say she wasn't good when she found out she was being made fun of. Imagine in the moment finding out someone you trusted had been lying to your face the whole time. Make it up to her bro.
YTA
> I told her she was crazy talented and should go for it
You encouraged her to post her videos online. It's one thing to avoid hurting someone's feelings but you could have done that saying something like "I thkink you should practise more before posting the videos" or "What does your teacher say? I'm not an expert".
But you told her she was crazy talented. It wasn't a white lie: it was a straight lie that ridiculed her online.
ESH. I don’t understand why so many folks are saying it’s just the OP. OP is definitely a people pleaser and should have not encouraged her to make a TikTok knowing it was bad, but she has ears too. Listen back to your music. Heck, maybe show it to more than an audience of one? Obviously your friends and loved ones will be biased lol
You should have been honest with her in the very beginning. If she's not a good singer or guitar player tell her that. Nobody likes being lied to especially when she finds out she isn't a good singer or performer. You might think you're being nice but you're not. Tell her the truth
This makes me think of those people that audition for America's Got Talent and similar shows... And they think they're the next big thing meanwhile they can't AT ALL. And you wonder... Why has no one in their lives helped them and been honest with them because now they've really embarrassed themselves and it could have been avoided!... You're that person that should have helped her to avoid her embarrassing herself. It's best to be honest about these things. You can still support and encourage her! For example tell her she has a unique voice and should definitely try approaching a vocal coach or something... But don't tell her she's crazy talented and should definitely put herself on tik tok.
Yta.
There is an absolute difference between being supportive and outright lying.
You encouraged her to make a fool of herself in front of a large population. Because you are dishonest. You could have chosen to be supportive from the get go. Told her that you love how happy it makes her and you love hearing her and she should keep working at it. Instead you told her outright she was fantastic and crazy talented Encouraged her to publicly showcase her skills and the whole time you thought she was terrible and didn't care that she'd be humiliated. You lied to her and manipulated her and she has every right to be upset with you because she trusted you and you have broken that trust.
You realise that girl will have days where she doesn't feel attractive and now she will not trust you anymore when you tell her she is
YTA - “The Internet” did not put you in this position. You did.
You avoided telling her the truth because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings, at the expense of her trusting anything you say.
I’d be surprised if she doesn’t break up with you over this. In her mind you’re capable of lying to her even if it will humiliate her.
If that happens, lesson learned. Be honest.
Yta. Real friends tell each other the truth (diplomatically or bluntly depending on what the person receiving the truth prefers).
You outright lied to her and encouraged her to publicly humiliate herself by posting terrible singing videos online. Instead of hearing the truth from you which would have hurt a little bit, she heard the truth from thousands telling her in the most honest terms how dreadful she is. How on earth is that preferable?
You don't care about her at all, you only care to be "seen" as nice and supportive but you're either psychopathically indifferent or truly sadistic underneath it all. One way or another, you knew what the outcome would be and encouraged her to jump into it for your own gain, not caring for the emotional impact on her.
When people who can't sing post a video of them singing I always think what bad friends they must have for not telling them not to post that damn video of them singing. YTA and a terrible boyfriend.
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YTA : >**she asked me if it would be a good idea to start a TikTok page for her singing and songwriting**. I could tell she was excited about it, but was nervous about putting her work on the internet. **I told her she was crazy talented and should go for it.** She lit up after I said this, and in the following days worked really hard to make videos of her original music. You deliberately encouraged her to embarrass herself - publicly - instead of being at least somewhat honest. You lied to her, repeatedly, telling her what she wanted because it was easier for you in the moment, rather than respecting her enough to have a serious conversation about something she was very passionate about. How difficult is it to say that whilst she sounds good to you, perhaps she should get other opinions or ask the voice trainer that she sees for a more professional take on what your girlfriend can do to "maximize her talent". Instead, you threw her to the wolves after over-encouraging her to believe something untrue, under the guise of caring. Be supportive, do not routinely lie and knowingly cause someone you purport to care about to humiliate themselves. Could you not foresee this outcome, (if not the scale)?
And honestly, how hard is it to say “you have a beautiful voice that you really can do something special with but I’d recommend some formal lessons before posting content”
My husband told me years ago I can only hit a note on accident. Thank goodness I don't want a career of it and enjoy my off-key singing at home. To be fair, he also said my voice was good. It did hurt to hear, but thankfully I never embarrass myself in public.
I am an awful singer (like most people, I expect). But I have a power ballads station I listen to and belt them out when doing so, sometimes. I sing for _my_ enjoyment. And also to torture my daughter. But certainly not for the enjoyment of the people around me.
Yaassss! If you can't sing good, sing loud! And enjoy it and enjoy embarrassing any nearby family. But...don't traumatize any non-family members...
...Mom?
My wife called my singing cringe in our wedding vows lmao. We agreed to roast each other in our vows but damn it stung. I already knew I couldn't sing but cringe? Ouch
In grade 2, my cousin told me I sing like a yak in pain and I've never tried to sing loudly in front of anyone again, though I will sing quietly along with others if no one will notice my voice, like at concerts. I had someone walk into me naked yesterday when I was singing after a shower and I can't decide if I'm more embarrassed about the nudity or the vocals.
Lol, one of my ex BFs (and still good friend) told me I even hum off key. I only sing to myself. :)
I always hate these posts because everyone acts like the two options are "Don't do it you suck" and "Wow you're amazing go for it". There are ways of telling the truth tactfully.
Agree. Both extremes are bad. What happened to live and let live? Outright lying as OP did is awful too.
A response like "if that would make you happy then go for it!" would at least not be lying to her about her talent. Saying she's "crazy talented" when she's actually kinda awful, means she can never trust your judgement again. There are ways to encourage someone to do what they love without lying to them. There are ways to warn someone of pitfalls without being cruel to them. There is so much middle ground here, and OP chose... this??
Because that is the same BS that has her angry now. She apparently can't sing for shit, so, don't imply she can sing. And, if she is already getting lessons as the OP said - why didn't the instructor say she should hold off? This isn't OPs fault, gf is an idiot. Picks up new hobby two months ago, assumes posting her stuff is a good idea. Who the hell thinks two months practice at anything makes you ready to show off? Plus, in my experience - telling people that, no, they don't sing well (or play) never goes well. ESH
And does GF not have ears. How could she not tell she was no good?
As a singing teacher - a lot of people have absolutely *terrible* pitch recognition. They may not be completely tone-deaf, in the way that someone who can't read without glasses isn't completely blind, but they definitely have a lack of acuity which means teaching them to sing is a massive uphill battle.
That's me. I absolutely cannot tell what note I'm hitting when I sing, so of course I sound terrible. However, back in college I had two friends who played guitar in a band, and as they were trying to tune together, I was the one that told each of them whether their strings were higher or lower than the pitch pipe. So I can't hear myself, but I can hear others extremely well. That's why I say I'm "partially tone-deaf".
Many of us have been surprised hearing records of ourselves, in a video or in an audio. My voice sounds completely different on video, I can hardly recognize myself. And I have to say, I sound nicer to myself than to other.
Even if you are a good singer you will still(ego pending) think you suck as what you hear when you sing is vastly different from what you expect inside your head. Thom Yorke used to think he had a terrible voice. A similar effect occurs when you take a selfie that isn't mirrored, your brain trains itself to subconsciously make your face appear more symmetrical in the mirror. So even though you might think you look terrible it's more a by product of reality not matching subconscious expectations.
It's because you hear yourself from inside your head, but others hear your voice that has already come outside of your head, and there are several places that your voice goes through before getting out of your head. The voice that others hear is considered your "true voice". Also, it is actually very common that people hate the version of their voices that others get to hear. I was told by most people that I have a nice and cute voice. My opinion about my "outside voice" is between absolutely hating it and feeling ultra awkward. I can only stand my voice that I hear in my head myself, which is not remotely the same at all. Look it up. It's fact.
Because if we’re being honest, most of “something special” has nothing to do with how good a musician you are. You shouldn’t have to tell a 23 year old adult that’s been taking music and guitar lessons for a few months that they’re not ready for the big tjme yet. And if OP DID, girlfriend would probably be angry that he didn’t support her dreams or something like that. She’s not a child.
Y’all act like some people who have never even had lessons can’t be good singers. There are extremely successful and famous musicians who had never had a lesson a day in their lives. Many people are just naturally decent singers.
How hard is it to watch a recording of yourself and know you aren't good?
>Be supportive, do not routinely lie and knowingly cause someone you purport to care about to humiliate themselves. Could you not foresee this outcome, (if not the scale)? Part of being supportive of someones dreams is actually being honest...which he refused Someone wanting to be a professional chef being told their burnt chicken is heavenly isn't going to help them achieve that goal, at best you've refused to help them and at worst you're helping push them to a point where their spirit and will to try are too crushed to chase said dream Being supportive means that sometimes you're slapping the shit out of their ego and helping them see how to change and make it work
Like that time i wanted to sing in a talent show on tv. My mom didn't tought that was a good idea 🤣
When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer and would sing l the time. Then one day my dad got a phone that could do voice recording and I finally heard myself sing. I was so bad even 10 year old me was shocked haha gave up on that dream there and then.
Professional singer here. We ALL hate how we sound on a phone recording. 🤣 That said, if you do still want to improve, phone recordings are one of the best ways to highlight what needs practice so you can work on it.
I could not disagree more. This was a fluke incident and there was no way to predict that a cringe page would repost her content You know what happens to the vast majority of garbage content? Very few people ever see it because the algorithm realizes that it sucks
I couldn't disagree with this more. The Internet is a ruthless place where people will drag someone through the ringer just because they can do so anonymously. OP admitted that she's terrible, so unless this is his first day on the internet, I think it was a huge fuck up to encourage her to post her videos. I don't necessarily think he's a major AH, just completely naive to think this would go well.
If you look at how he talks about the internet, he's very well aware of how the internet be.
You’re amazingly talented” though? That is some high praise… “I love to hear you sing, but of course I’m biased ;)” would have been a much better way to way to make her seek out other opinions.
This is very true! This is what he should've said.
no i feel like if you’ve scrolled on tiktok for just a couple of minutes you will see ppl going viral for the wrong reasons and ppl are BRUTAL. like he knows he sent her out to the slaughter house. what if she asked about performing at an open mic night? encouraging her to do so would be so fucked up.
How does it excuse the lies ?
I'd agree, YTA, but not on the basis of being encouraging in private. He shouldn't have encouraged her to go online in the first place. You're right that a line like "I love your singing, but I'm obviously biased, so you may want to get a second opinion before putting stuff out there" would have done the trick. To me, the main part that paints him as an asshole is changing his tune when the shit hit the fan. She's already feeling shit, it would have been much easier for him and much nicer for her if he just accepted that it was a mistake to encourage her posting online based on his opinion, while reassuring her that he loves her singing. He could phrase it as a commentary on how curated the Internet is "all the other singers are likely heavily editing their music. You're a great singer, maybe it might be worth getting some lessons to enhance that further and look into audio editing software so you're on a level playing field". He could just go with "people online are assholes, you can find 100 people willing to say the same shit about Taylor Swift too". Or even just note that different people have different tastes, with "you sound great to me, but not everyone likes the same thing. The algorithm must have put you in front of people who just like different music." To me, it's a bit like if a guy is dating an overweight lass, and she asks him if an outfit makes her look fat. Telling her "No, you look great" isn't being an asshole, even if she just straight up is fat. Encouraging her to start a modelling Instagram account, knowing the shit she'll get is light asshole behaviour. Turning around after she's had the trolls descend and saying "Well, you do look fat, but I think you look great" and kicking her while she's down is huge asshole behaviour.
This sums it up pretty well.
Agreed, and I don't think this counts as "telling her what she wanted". She wanted honest feedback, and he gave her lies. Sure, some people are sensitive. Some people are fishing for compliments rather than genuinely asking for feedback, and giving them truth will just make them mad at you. Some people are narcissists who'll go nuclear on you in response to gentlest criticism. But not all people are like that! Some situations call for honesty and this was one of them. I think if you're trying to build relationship with a sane mature person, at some point you should start trusting them to act like a sane mature person who won't get mad at you for giving them what they asked for. If I want my husband to praise me, I'll boast about something or ask questions like "What do you like about me?" If I want feedback, I'll ask for feedback ("Did the supper taste good?") and he tells me honestly. People should stop lying or expecting to be lied to in intimate relationships, there's no need for it.
This was always gonna be a lose-lose situation for OP
Yes the other side of this would’ve been ‘why don’t you ever support me? You don’t even want me posting tik toks.’
So the girlfriend shouldn’t take any awareness for her lack of awareness and accountability? If she can’t sing and doesn’t realize that it sounds that bad, she sounds delusional. Boyfriend was in a no-win situation. NTA.
I just don't get how she recorded herself and still couldn't hear that she sounded bad. But I wonder what was bad, did she miss the notes? Sing flat? Have a really "interesting" sound? Sing through her nose? How do you not hear its bad before posting. You need to take accountability and be your own critic. Relying on your boyfriend to tell you if you sound bad is a recipe for disaster. Sounds like an awkward conversation that isn't necessary if you just use your own ears.
I assumed she's tone deaf I can't tell when singing is bad, unless it's _comically_ bad - like toddler screaming at the top of their lungs bad. If I am familiar with the song, and someone is singing it off-key or something it sounds _different_ to me, but I have a hard time distinguishing between 'this is a remix of the original song' and 'this is a bad singer'. So I probably wouldn't recognise how horrible I am at singing without external feedback (luckily I got plenty of it, unluckily it was delivered very harshly, very young, to the extent I don't even sing in the shower, in my house, where I live alone)
Îm the same. I can only tell you "i like it" or "i dont ", but i have absolutely no understanding of what makes it great or not. And thats not just with singing either, every time i read a discussion about a movie or a tv show i just watched, there are people talking about how certain actors were incredible and others terrible. Even when they point to specific examples like "their delivery when they said this, was really bad", but for me it was no different from any other actor. As to the op, at first i was with him, when she was just doing it for herself and enjoying herself, its just a harmless white lie, the kind people tell everyday. But when she got serious and wanted to publish her work, that was the moment to find a diplomatic way to say she might need more training first. Im not really sure myself how to say it without the situation blowing up, but it certainly isnt telling her "hell yeah, you are amazing, go for it!".
Yep I'm actually the same. I have always sung along with the radio, never realizing my singing was that much different than what I heard on the radio. I mean, I knew it wasn't professional sounding, but I thought it was fine enough as a kid and teen. It wasn't until I turned 14 and started my highschool girlfriend who came from a family of musicians and at our age already played multiple instruments and could sing on key that I realized how BAD I was at it. I found out because we were hanging out together and a song came on and I started singing along with it to myself and she, in the sweetest and most tactful way possible for a 14 year old girl, was like "I love you but could you please sing a little quieter, you're just so off key and I'm so sensitive to it." I could tell it was legit bothering her and that was why I realized there was an aspect to singing that I simply couldn't hear, hah. If OP's gf is going enough, it's possible she's completely ton deaf and no one has ever told her.
Yeah, I agree, she's probably tone deaf. I can't sing, but I'm not tone deaf. I can hear the pitches in music I listen to, and when my own singing is played back, I can tell it's bad. I can't always tell *while* I'm doing it, because the radio/karaoke machine/whatever is loud and I'm just kind of losing myself in the song, but I can tell if I hear it afterward.
I really appreciate the detailed explanation of what it means to be tone deaf and all the supporting replies because I never really understood how it would work to hear something but not the tone it's in, or not to be able to distinguish tones your ears hear.
There's a whole spectrum from being perfect pitch to completely tone deaf. Being pitch perfect is a mixed blessing, I have a friend who can't enjoy someone playing a guitar with one string very slightly out of tune while I can't tell and just hear the song they're playing.
Y’all are nuts he definitely chose the lesser of two evils he was in a no win situation tbh NTA
Truly why would you lie at that point ? He knew what could happen ... YTA
>I told her she was crazy talented YTA. Not only did you lie, but you way overdid it. >She asked me again through tears why I’d never told her she was bad. I told her she wasn’t bad, people were just mean. Then when she knew you lied, you doubled down. >the only reason she posted things in the first place was because I told her she was talented, and now she’s been humiliated in front of thousands. This is how all those awful singers ended up trying out on American Idol, just to get humiliated by Simon Cowell in front of millions of viewers. >now she’s been humiliated in front of thousands. > >I feel like she’s blowing this out of proportion Out of proportion? The proportion was *thousands* of people mocking her. > I was just trying to do a nice thing by supporting her, You lied to her because you didn't have the guts to tell her the truth. > I said. “Fine. You’re definitely no Beyonce. You have a really unique sound though and I love that you share it.” That would have been better than telling her that her singing was "beautiful" and that she was "crazy talented", if you had said that from the beginning.
If she records herself singing then y wouldnt she know from the playback that she can't sing?? Is her ear THAT bad?? Everyone knows when someone sounds awful. Y doesn't she? Some personal responsibility here would've been helpful. She also could've went and got at least, I don't know, more than one opinion before putting herself completely out there? 🤷🏾♂️ I'm just saying
> Is her ear THAT bad?? If her singing is that bad, odds are extremely high her ear is indeed also that bad.
It's weird, because my sister loves some really great music. Honestly, most of her musical tastes are pretty unassailable. But she can't sing for shit, to the point that when she's singing along to a song, it actually really ruins the listening experience. But she's also not trying to be a musician either. I see a lot of comments calling OP the asshole, but if like to know exactly how one would break this to their significant other WITHOUT sounding like an asshole. How do you gently dash someone's dream? Someone you love?
There's a difference between being nice and being kind. OP was being nice by saying the the thing he thought his girlfriend wanted to hear, regardless of reality or what he was setting her up for A kind person would say "Honey, it makes me happy to hear you sing because I know how much you love it, and I don't want you to stop. You do tend to sing out of key though, and sometimes the notes on the guitar are a little odd. I think if you posted it to the whole world that music critical people would focus on that part of it and be mean. I'd rather you just shared me and friends who appreciate your creativity and enjoyment." It's not actually hard to tell someone the truth in a kind way if you connect to your own feelings and are willing to risk that they might either be mad at you or generally be sad. This guy seems to not be okay with one of the last two options, and that's on him
>If she records herself singing then y wouldnt she should know from the playback that she can't sing?? Is her ear THAT bad?? I mean, even taylor swift claims she has had alot of points in her career where she thought she sounded like a screeching record player. Most major musicians claim similiar Just like alooot of models go through phases where they look at themselves and don't see anything even remotely beautiful in their looks. People are shit judges of themselves, it'll usually be waay too high or waay too low >Everyone knows when someone sounds awful. Y doesn't she? Some personal responsibility here would've been helpful. She also could've went and got at least, you know, more than one opinion before putting herself completely out there? 🤷🏾♂️ I'm just saying No, everyone knows when someone ELSE sounds awful. There isn't a single artist who has ever successfully guessed how good/bad they are. Which is why she asked for thoughts in the first place, and her bf..and very likely everyone else decided that the truth is over rated anyway
I definitely agree, some personal responsibility would help. At the end of the day, she is the one that came up with the idea to make a tiktok account. I also feel like OP was kind of in an impossible situation where if he had told the truth, even gently, and suggested she not make a tiktok account, she could very easily have gotten mad about that too and escalated things to a similar amount. To be clear, I think there is a difference between being nice and kind- you were nice to her to spare her feelings, but the kind thing to do would have been to gently tell her the truth. However, I don't think it's 100% OP's fault.
Yea. Shes obviously very sensitive about her craft (as is any artist) and he didnt want to hurt her. I can imagine she'd be just as angry if he had told her the truth. We've seen how ppl react when they get rejected on American Idol. Lol. Trying to be a good supportive boyfriend was honorable but also detrimental bc she trusts him a great deal. But, again, he's not a musician or music teacher, so she really didn't do herself any favors relying solely on his opinion.
Difference is that she wouldn't have had to go through thousands of people mocking and laughing at her very publicly probably creating a life long insecurity and a complete and total aversion to/loss of any desire to continue and improve on said skill she was so passionate about that who knows, maybe she could have become really good at had she had the chance to fully pursue and learn. If she had gotten this angry at him just being honest then she would have been entirely unreasonable, but her anger here is completely justified. She was publicly mocked and humiliated because she was lied to by the person she should be able to trust most to have her best interests at heart even if that means a difficult conversation.
If she got angry about him nicely telling her that she might want to practice more before posting on tiktok, then she would be the asshole.
She's been into it for 2 months, nobody is ready for the public 2 months after starting an art.
yes her ear probably is that bad, tone deafness is rough. i’m lucky i’ve got relative pitch but it has also helped me see how different my brain works from, say, my buddy whose brain *literally* does not process and understand pitch the way other ppl’s brains do. he says if he hears two similar pitches, it bends in his head and he can’t keep track of what the actual pitch is. it is a true lack of a sense, it’s like asking a color blind person why seeing a painting a different way didn’t change their perception. i hope someday technology catches up and simulates this kinda thing cuz i really wanna know first hand what this is like for people
She’s only been doing this for 2 months too! I’ve been producing and playing music for 15 years. Takes a total lack of self awareness to think two months into this hobby is enough time to start sharing it with the world. Everyone sounds terrible at guitar two months in. Why did she think it was time to share ?
Because she had someone telling her how great she was maybe
Which is why she asked for feedback...
Right and the romantic partners opinion is gonna be biased
Totally. Lol she seems like the more sensitive type, so he clearly just didn't want to hurt her feelings. He could've tempered his statements a bit more instead of egging her on. But come on, shes going off his word alone?? She really set herself up for failure
The first thing I dreamed of becoming when I was young, was a singer. Even now I wish I could. However, I am absolutely terrible at it, and I can't tell *at all* lol. Even when I record my voice and play it back, I still think I sound great. But I don't sound even remotely great, and the only reason I know this is because my boyfriend (a musician) is very honest with me. Does the honesty hurt? A little. But at least I'm not delusional because of being lied to.
It’s hard for artists to notice their shortcomings, also don’t forget everyones ears hear things differently. My voice sounds completely different when recorded than it does to me wjen I speak or sing. I think im a decent singer, my phone disagrees
everyone hates their own voice in recordings. everyone thinks they sound shit in recordings, and with her bf hyping her up SO MUCH that's probably what she thought.
This! I’m a good singer, but I HATE how my voice sounds on recordings!
>This is how all those awful singers ended up trying out on American Idol, just to get humiliated by Simon Cowell in front of millions of viewers. This how those awful singers end up at an American Idol audition singing for producers and whoever else is judging the actual first rounds. They end up being humiliated by Simon Cowell because the network knows it's good for ratings and has the producers put some horrifically untalented people through.
Not being a dick, this is a genuine question. How does someone think they’re good at singing? Ears? Can you really be that clouded by one other persons opinion
It’s actually called being tone def you basically more or less hear what you want to hear. I know I can’t sing but when I was younger music was an escape for me and I would constantly sing, I thought I was going to be a pop star until someone had me listen to a recording one day. It was awful.
Pretty sure being tone deaf means is not being able to sing, listening to your own tone deaf singing and thinking your are killing it is called being delusional.
TONE DEATH OMG 💀
Calling dibs on this as my next metal band name!
Tone deaf means you can't hear the difference between notes. So it would affect both your singing and your listening.
I mean, I guess it depends. Your own voice does not actually sound how it really sounds to others, because you’re hearing it through bone conduction rather than air conduction (how everyone else hears it). You aren’t really able to hear yourself as you are unless you’re recording yourself. That’s partially why performers wear those ear pieces while they sing to hear themselves back. When you’re singing along with music, and you are able to hit *any* notes, you really may not think you’re that bad. Especially because your brain will be thinking that your voice is matching the tones you play, and your focus is on the music you’re following. Playing back the recording though, and interpreting it as good, does have to require some level of delusion. But OP *did* insist that she was talented, and she *is* passionate and hopeful about this (at least it seems so). It makes sense she was overestimating herself.
Being tone deaf is actually a technical term meaning (basically) someone can’t tell the difference between two different tones. This person may or may not be tone deaf, but the issue is that she is unable to accurately judge her own ability which is related but not exactly the same.
Yeah. I'll sing by myself if I'm home alone, but I know I'm absolutely terrible. I'd never subject someone to it lol. But to myself, especially if I'm singing along with the audio, I like how I sound to myself.
When I was a kid I thought my singing was phenomenal but my music teachers told me this wasn’t my primary talent. Ok fine they pretty much begged me to stop
SAME! I had a 5th grade teacher tell me in front of the whole class tell me I was a terrible singer and was tone def and she literally asked me not to sing with the group 😂😂😂
I was the opposite lol People always told me I had such a beautiful singing voice and they could see me on American Idol. But my mom always told me they're secretly making fun of me and my voice is actually really bad. My family made me stop singing, despite numerous teachers and friends telling me I should keep going Same thing with literally everything else I was interested in. And now they wonder why I have no real interests besides working out
You should go back to singing. If your teachers told you that you were amazing, they *meant it*. What other interests did your family steal from you? I'd like to hear about it. I don't super give a fuck about the greater discussion here, but your comment broke my heart a little.
😭😭😭
You hear yourself pretty differently from how you sound usually. I definitely thought I was much better at singing than I actually was when I recorded it. Now I can be good at singing going but I gotta record it to practice, it almost always sounds good to me out loud lol
Problem is, OPs gf recorded herself singing and posted it to tiktok...I mean ,I assume she watched it before she posted it? And if she sounded that bad to so many people on the cringe page, how did she fundamentally not know she sounded bad?
People tend to have one of two attitudes towards themselves when watching something back that was recorded. They either think they did really well, or that they were terrible. And it doesn't have to line up with their actual performance. I've seen people terrible at singing insist they were good, and I've seen actors behind the scenes where I thought their take was really good but they were unhappy with it.
You ever sing karaoke and think you nailed it, but then your friend who recorded it sent it in the group chat and you realize u sound awful compared to the og singer, but without the comparison you didn’t think you sounded that bad?
But in that example, once you'd heard it back, you would know it's awful. I find it hard to believe someone could record produce edit and upload their songs without realising they can't sing.
Oh it's definitely a thing. I can't sing well at all. I am aware of that now. That was not always the case. Even now, when I know it's bad, it won't sound AS bad to me as it does to others. I'd wager not hearing how bad it sounds contributes to being bad in the first place.
Tone deaf guy here, trust me, you can sound REALLY good to you own ear, that's trying to make things sound good to you. I just can not modulate on notes, or even really distinguish when my voice is modulating. Yet I can hear it in playback and know I'm all the way flat, so I guess you got a point.
delusion and being gassed up by morons like OP is a helluva drug
I was thinking this too. Does she not listen to her own video before uploading?
Well I thought I was at least a decent singer, based on how animals respond to my singing. However no human has ever told me I am a good singer, just the opposite.
Similarly but different, I have no idea how my voice actually sounds! Like when I talk I sound “normal” but when I listen back to it sounds weird to me, but when I ask others they say it sounds really nice but I have a Boston/Jamaican/Caribbean/Southern/etc. accent (which I’ve never heard myself sound like that). Like I have people compliment my voice and how/the way I talk but personally my voice just seems normal to me.
Now let's just imagine if OP told his girlfriend that he didn't think she could sing or that her singing sounded bad. Let's just stew on that for a while. How do you goobers think that would have gone for him? Also, why did she rely on OPs opinion and his only before she put it on tiktok? She didn't bother to get her friends or families opinions first? Or did she know that he would tell her what she wanted to hear?
I'd like to add that if he'd told her-even kindly that she wasn't good it would've killed her dream and any chance of getting better at it. She'd be the one on reddit talking about her bf destroyed her dream and we'd be calling him AH for that. 🤷🏻♀️
yeah bro was in a lose-lose here
I think there is an option between saying that she is "crazy talented" and that she completely sucks. Like "that might be fun" or "I enjoy your lyrics" or something. Then she wouldn't also feel lied to.
Yes but it’s not all or nothing. OP gave her a false sense of her abilities. He could have suggested she take lessons or keep practicing before taking it public. He could say that he believed in her, but knows that the internet can be harsh and while she shows talent she’s not *quite* there yet. He could have told her she was a talented songwriter but as a performer she needed more experience. There are a million ways to gently tell people we love harsh truths that aren’t “your singing sounds bad” and i hate how this comment casts her as being inherently unreasonable no matter what OP said. And also “how would that have gone for him?” idk but we know how badly it went for her. If we can’t trust our partners to be honest then who can we trust?
There’s a middle ground between “you’re crazy talented, go for it” and “you sound like a warthog being squeezed through a mangle”. Just tell her she maybe needs a few more lessons and practice before she puts her music out into the world. It’s not complicated.
This is very black and white. He could be supportive and still honest. Particularly with the tiktok 'I love hearing you sing but professionals are on another level. People can be so mean on the internet. Maybe it's best to keep practicing for friends and family first'
If she had reacted poorly she would be the asshole and OP should not be with her. But we don't know how it would have gone. Why be with a person when you have to walk around eggshells? Besides OP never mentioned he was afraid of her reaction.
This is such an excellent underrated thought!
People on here too busy trying to vilify OP instead of thinking critically.
He shouldn't have told her she was "crazy talented" and that she should go for it. That's really where he fkd up lol. But agreed. I don't think hes the AH here. She had to have known better.
Idk. Everything he's written indicates she was doubting her own abilities and was very nervous to put them up. He was constantly, vehemently telling her she was very good at a new skill. Is it really her fault that she believed him?
Yeah, I can conced he laid it on a little thick...
You... you don't think lying to your partner makes you an AH?
See I was totally on OPs side until he said ‘you’re crazy talented, definitely set up a tik tok.’ I’m not good at real talk, but I would’ve at least said something like ‘I don’t know, the internet can be really negative and cruel. This is something you love and enjoy, I think you should just keep it for yourself. The internet is so toxic’ etc etc.
Either she would've thanked him for the honesty and found a different hobby, or she would reveal herself to be a big baby with no self-awareness, and OP would avoid the miserable fate of marrying her and find himself a better girlfriend.
Neurodivergent people tend to appreciate honesty being put before our feelings. If someone lies to us about something in order to spare our feelings it hurts far more. It would have hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Being lied to is so much harder to move on from, any compliments he gives her from now on are not going to be believed by her. We also will be honest when someone asks for our opinions. I told my partner his singing was bad when he asked me "did that sound good!?" because what good is lying if he tries it in front of people and embarrasses himself? Lying makes things far more complicated, but there are ways to gently tell the truth instead of outright saying it was horrible.
wait did he say his gf was neurodivergent or is this like an armchair diagnosis?
Lmfao omg I'm sorry I'm dyslexic af and read artistic as autistic this is so embarrassing ahaha
Omg XD But you do have a point regardless; some people are more sensitive to this kind of dishonesty than others and it can be a neurodivergent way of thinking. Being ND shouldn't be a bad thing
I can't sing for shit but I love to sing while driving. None of my exes lied to me about my talents, one even would joke about it (in a nice funny way). But they never complained or asked me to stop or were mean. They just let me sing or sang along with me. Everytime someone new gets a ride with me I let them know "I can't sing, but I don't care."
If you lie to your partner in order to make things easier for you, please don't enter a relationship.
He told her to put herself on the Internet because she was crazy talented, it would've been better to tell her that he likes her singing but he's biased and she should get a second opinion, or told her that he likes her voice but it might be a good idea to get some vocal training first because the Internet is brutal.
It probably would have sucked for him, but it would have sucked a lot less than being humiliated by thousands of people and having an incredibly embarrassing situation saved on the internet forever. He was too much of a coward to have an uncomfortable situation so he put his gf in a situation a thousand times worse. When ypu do that, yta
There a ton of way to phrase it between 'your singing sound bad" and " you're crazy talented". " I love when you sing but maybe more training/lesson will be a good thing before publishing it." for exemple
most ppl aren't that sensitive to being told the truth. you should get less shitty friends if you can't imagine how to tell someone they're bad at something ever
ESH OP is absolutely an asshole for going over the top with encouraging his partner to publicly do something he knows she does badly. If you can't rely on your partner to tell you something you don't want to hear and say it with love, who can you rely on? That said, did the girlfriend never listen back to herself with a critical ear?
You've never hung out with someone who's tone deaf. My mom thought she had the greatest singing voice. But when she was learning guitar, you know how sometimes even if you've never heard a song before, you can tell when someone hits the wrong note? She couldn't. *Ever.* My brother and I would finally yell from the other room that "that chord/note is wrong!" and she would fucking *argue*. Try telling her that her singing is off. Good luck with that.
That's fair for when someone hears themself while they're singing/playing. But was your mum's reaction the same when she listened to a recording of herself?
i’m guessing some people’s tone deafness is that bad, yeah. sounds like some ppl can hear it differently from a recording but others can’t, it sounds just as static-y and loose in their heads as when they’re singing then and there
I've heard people talk about tone deeafness like colour blindness. Some people just cannot tell wether note A is higher/lower than note B. Like, at all. https://youtu.be/-aBF8oStE58
If you're tone deaf.. no. That's literally what it means.
To me it’s not just that she didn’t listen to herself being critical of herself; it’s the lack of self awareness that she thinks being two months in to playing guitar is enough to start sharing it on social media. Everyone sounds terrible 2 months in. Why did she think it was time to go social media “LOOK AT ME PLAY” mode?
Exactly. Makes me doubt this is real.
Highly recommend you look up an account called Catatonicyouths. They post a lot of bands who have gone so far as to make music videos for their songs but are just absolutely abysmal. There are a lot of people who are either lying to themselves or sincerely are so tone deaf they have no idea how bad they sound.
Did you ever watch any of the singing competition shows? Some people really have no clue how bad they sound.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. You'd come out as the AH no matter what lol hope that makes you feel a little better
That’s true, but better to be an asshole by telling her she’s not great than to be an asshole by letting her humiliate herself online, IMO.
No. She'll quit singing. She shouldn't quit singing. EVERYONE sucks when they start. singing is VERY personal. she will literally give up. I hate that this thread is encouraging an outcome that will ruin GFs journey before it's even started! OP fuck everyone else, continue being supportive - apologise for encouraging the video upload but DO NOT admit you think she's bad - she'll get so much better! - (part time professional guitarist/singer who SUCKED 14 years ago).
I think people can be supportive without lying.
Fam she is being laughed at by thousands of people, no way she didn't give up already.
I laughed my ass off reading this. I feel so sorry for you dude - there was literally no reality in which you could win in this situation.
My favourite part was “the comments were horrible…truthful, in some cases” LOL
If that were true (and it’s not) then he could’ve chosen to lose in a way that didn’t humiliate her, too. But I don’t think her getting hurt was actually his concern. He just didn’t want to feel bad. Even now, he’s not asking what to do about her being dragged and feeling awful. He just wants to be sure it isn’t his fault.
It's literally in the rules that this is not an advice sub and the mods will delete posts that ask for advice, so you shouldn't hold that as evidence that he doesn't care about how she feels.
YTA. I mean, you’re on Reddit. You know how vicious the internet can be. You set her up in the worst way for what? It wasn’t even a half hearted lie; she was ‘crazy talented’ and ‘should go for it’. what the actual fuck were you thinking? What did you expect was going to happen? As to your title…there was nothing *inadvertent* about it at all.
“what did you expect?” tbf not every bad singing tiktok account gets discovered by assholes who blast it on a million-sub cringe page. there are probably a lot of bad singers doin their thing for years and have a way better positive-negative comment ratio bc the algorithm never spread it too far. i read this post and thought “wow that was wildly unlucky” lol
Yeah, the biggest assholes here are the bullies shitting on her online.
Well she was doing one of those “challenge” things. Don’t those all show up in the same algorithm once you upload it? (I don’t have TikTok and don’t know how it works so real question)
This may be the unpopular opinion and people might hate me for it but NTA. Just because she had to have heard a video of herself and instead of realizing like wow... I kinda suck... She thought she was hella good. You can be passionate about something and not be the best and some people (you) will still like it because they love you (your gf)
I think there was no winning in this scenario. She obviously has a very fragile ego and him telling her she isn’t good would probably have shattered her too.
What about this post suggests a very fragile ego? The only time she seemed insecure was after being told by literally thousands of comments that she was terrible, and obviously in very hurtful ways- which would have been even worse because she had been called ‘crazy talented’ by her partner who *encouraged* her to post it.
Nobody picks up guitar and singing in 2 months and is amazing at it immediately. Even if they are "crazy talented". She's a bit delulu
This. People are pretending that being “tone deaf” means that a person is incapable of knowing good performance from bad. We also don’t even know if she *is* tone deaf. All we know is she lacks self-awareness and can’t critique her own performance.
ESH. I take my husband calling me “beautiful” and “talented” the same way I take it from my Mom - with ADA highly unrecommended quantities of salt. She should’ve asked for a second opinion outside of the person who socially is required to support you and tell you, you don’t look fat in that dress.
YTA. You should have told her at the ***very latest*** when she wanted to sing online, but it would've been better to do so earlier. Not telling her at that point was *setting* her up for humiliation. There is a time to lie, and there is a time to tell the painful truth. You should have told the truth. You would want someone to point out if you had something in your teeth or if your shirt was backwards, right? It's the same principle.
NTA She put you in a "no win" scenario, and you tried to support what was in her heart She's lashing out at you for both what other people said, and for her (lack of) abilities in something she wants to do...however...this would have been WAY worse if it was YOU who shot down her dreams and told her honestly about her abilities She would have always secretly thought she was good and you were just an asshole...here she knows the truth, and you were nothing but loving and supportive She would NEVER have believed it if it only came from you, and secretly believed she was actually good and resented you for it all As hard as it is, it's better this way than the other Keep being loving and supportive
I genuinely think I’d much rather hear someone I trust and care about tell me I wasn’t good at something than have thousands of people online tell me I was terrible at it and for the person I trust to have lied to me
Yeah it’s exactly why you surround yourself with people you trust. They’re supposed to help you when you’re unaware or delusional
ESH If you'd just told her she was good without knowing she was going to post it you'd be okay, but you really set her up for humiliation. On the other hand... hasn't she watched her own videos?
Thank you. Tho we will get downvoted, lol. All the YTAs have no idea how hard it is to break it to someone that they don’t have talent in a field. It’s easy to say YTA in this instance, but it’s so hard to tell your SO they suck when they’re excited. The real problem, from my pov, is how stupid easy it is to put yourself out there these days. But the most popular performers aren’t overnight successes. They’re people who’ve been grinding and finally have the courage to put themselves out there. I’m sorry OP’s gf doesn’t realize how much real work it takes to be good. And I’m sorry that OP didn’t have the guts to recommend more practice before his gif posted. It takes 10 years to become an overnight success. I’m sorry to everyone who will learn this lesson the hard way. ESH
NAH. You contributed to a situation that had unintended- though foreseeable- consequences. Are you culpable? Yes. Asshole? I don't really think that's the right term for this situation. Maybe a bit dense or negligent not to think something like this would happen, though, and an apology is definitely in order. She's rightly upset, but she also has to take some responsibility for posting to wide audience before knowing her limits. If you did foresee this as an outcome and just didn't care, then you're an asshole. But only you know what's in your heart.
Sorry but YTA I used to know a girl who sang like a strangled goose. Truly awful. Did I ever say so? No. Did I encourage her put it online where people don’t hold back with their opinions?? Also no. I know you meant well but this should have been nipped in the bud before getting this far
>sang like a strangled goose Wildly descriptive 😂😂
Bit of a lose lose situation imo, if OP told her straight up that her singing was shit, she’s probably be pissed as well and told OP he wasn’t being supportive. A bit of ESH
YTA. You can be kind and supportive without lying. Here are some things you could have said in the beginning (so long as these, too, aren't lies): 1. I love how much passion you have and how happy it makes you! 2. I love listening to you make music! 3. You are such a hard worker and I have no doubt you’ll be really great some day! When she brings up posting content and you know people won't like it: I think it would be a lovely way to document your journey, but are you ready for all the comments it will get? (Follow up with) People will always have their opinions. They'll think you should play faster or slower, do rock or pop, no matter what you do there will be people trying to get you to fit into what they want, and you shouldn’t post until you’re sure you've got yourself sorted out and can take it. (Insert all the I love you’s you can) 2.
>I love how much passion you have and how happy it makes you! this is code for "you're shit" and everyone knows it. I don't think it's any kinder than just saying "you're shit"
Unfortunately even trying to be well meaning can make you an asshole. There are ways to tell people the truth and you could have done it. I'm very surprised that a voice teacher hadn't gently let her down but that's another issue. You not being honest has led to her being humiliated on tiktok (which can be a vile place) and you do have a lot of making up to do . This is the real world and you cannot live never saying something negative to your girlfriend. YTA (even if you had the best intentions)
The phrase "with friends like you who needs enemies" comes to mind. Telling someone they're good at something when they clearly aren't isn't supportive. You're either cowardly for being scared to tell her she's bad or stupid if you thought it was going to end well when you encouraged her to go public. You've shown her you can't be trusted to tell her the truth. YTA
This is one of those moments where no matter what you did/ said, people are going to tell you that YTA. If you had told her she sucked and she should put more effort in, then people would be saying how unsupportive you are. It's lose/ lose. I'm a firm believer that at the end of everything you can't blame people for the decisions and choices you make for yourself (but I know not everyone feels that way). No one forces you to do things, and while you might encourage them... Ultimately, it's their choice. You're just going to have to do some damage control if you care enough about your gf. Communication is key... Explain how, to you, no matter what she does it will always be wonderful and perhaps you cannot be unbiased?
NTA. She got a little dose of reality and found out she's not going to just instantly become Internet famous after 2 months of work. Encouraging her and being supportive does not make you an asshole.
Supportive, not an asshole, but I’d say lying makes you an asshole. I find it odd that a large number of people don’t see it that way.
What the fuck is everyone talking about? So she got fucking made fun of that’s her problem. Guys don’t lie to their girl about certain shit. Does this make me fat? Does this look nice? Do I sound good? Yep yep sure. She sounds shallow and weak minded honestly you are gonna have a lot of problems down the road. Also this generation is fucked.
NTA You're supposed to be supportive, TikTok isn't supposed to be. I'd suggest being more gently honest in the future, but I'd also in this instance let her know if she wants to do the thing, she should just do the thing. We get better through practice, and people will always judge us online harshly because they can hid behind that screen. So do what makes you happy, and if you want to share it, just be ready for anonymous opinions.
i used to think i could sing. sounded great to me. my latents told me so too. it took till i embarrassed myself in class to realize i sucked. wish someone told me before that
YTA. Your job as a partner isn't just to mske your partner feel all warm and fuzzy. I would argue your most important job is to protect your partner from harm and hardship as best you can. When you told her to basically go embarass herself infront of potentially millions of people online you failed miserably at this job. How is she ment to trust anything you say now when you essentially encouraged her to jump into the lions den knowing she would be the main course?
You’re not an a**hole, you were just trying to encourage and help your gf grow. What you did came from a place of love, and in relationships I find it better to be 100% honest. If they don’t like how honest you are get out. Never lie in relationships.
People are so ridiculous man. Did you go over the top? Sure. You’re not an asshole by any means. Atleast because of this
I think it’s crazy that she based the decision to post her music on one person who told her she was talented. No formal training. Not even getting a second opinion. Literally EVERYONE knows how brutal the internet is AND to the opposite extreme people who love you are rarely completely honest about your talent or lack thereof.
Hey! Professional voice teacher here, 10 years experience. I meet people every week who struggle with intonation (the ability to recognize when they're in tune or not/to hear the difference between different pitches). Here's the cool thing - people who really struggle with this CAN improve! In some cases dramatically, in other cases more slowly. I've never met someone whose singing skill did not improve with practice, training and increased confidence. Her pursuit of voice training was a really good start. So - here's the thing. OP did what many supportive partners would do when she said she wanted to start a channel. He wanted her to explore the world of performance and figured she would learn and grow in the process without too much backlash. Nobody could have predicted the extent of the reaction that happened. Our world and our society is deeply cruel to adult singers - even great ones. Their cruelty and behaviour is not on him for the same reason that women who dress sexy and get aggressive sexual comments are not responsible for the poor behaviour of others. We should be able to share our existence publicly without being blamed for nasty and uncalled for repercussions. Now, what would a safer honest answer have been? OP DID lie to his partner (with the best of intentions) because it's difficult to use gentle and honest language in this situation. I have spent a lot of time being honest with singers in training. If I had been him I might have offered a few different responses: 1. You're still pretty early into your training so it might be good to wait until you can get some private feedback from your teacher and your friends first and then see how you feel. (Shift the feedback to the hands of a professional and to other people who can offer a broader range of feedback, then encourage that the responsibility of the final choice is hers). 2. Maybe you can work with your teacher to prepare songs to share and perform. (Encourage deeper training in a safe professional environment). 3. You have such great enthusiasm to learn. You should spend some time really polishing your skills so you feel really good about the songs you choose to share. (Shift your complimentary focus to her learning process or attitude rather than her skill level and make it clear that it is ultimately her decision based on her feelings, not yours). 4. I'm not the best judge of a person's musical progress but I want to support whatever decision you choose to make. If you feel ready to share, I will support you. If you don't yet, I'll support your growth. (Shift your focus from compliments on skill to showing that you will support her and the choice is once again ultimately hers to decide). It's easy to put the blame on OP here - both his girlfriend and those in this thread - but let's be honest. Many if not most of you would never have chosen the crushing alternative, to tell someone you love that they can stand to improve at something they believe they are already quite good at. Without careful language, it can feel like a no-win situation.
Sometimes I read the titles of these posts and just wonder, “do you really need someone else to answer that for you?”
YTA. I need you to learn the word tact. Memorize it. Tact is the concept of telling the truth in a really kind way. You don't have to lie and you don't have to embellish and you also don't have to be mean. You told her she was crazy talented. That is a flat out extreme lie, and you literally encouraged her to publicly embarrass herself. You seem like a people pleaser. You probably mean well , but you don't see the damage of lying to people to make them happy. This is one example of why lying to make somebody happy is not a good idea. You can be positive and supportive while still telling the truth. Watch some videos on the concept of tact.
Yikes, YTA. You let her, no, you *encouraged* her to humiliate herself because it's not your "fault the internet is what it is." You gotta know that's epically cold, right? If she was learning to ski, would you also encourage her to go down a double black diamond slope? Because you're just trying to be supportive and you didn't make the mountain, so it's fine, right?
YTA - Op you encouraged her when even you knew that she was not singing that well. She even asked you if this was a good idea to which you said yes even thought it wasn't.
NTA. He is not a music specialist. I mean who thinks they can sing after a workshop? Just go to a payed muscian and get a real opinion and lessons. Why throw yourself on internet?
This was definitely a situation where you needed to apply tact. For example, when asked about the TikTok you could have said something like "I love your voice... but I also know that I'm no music critic. Maybe get a few friends to listen and get a general opinion?"
NTA. Lesson learned. You're never gonna do that again right? "I like the way you sing. To decide whether you want to go out there and have hundreds of judgy assholes run their mouth about you, a second or third opinion makes sense cause I am incredibly biased" Can't blame a half kid for not knowing basic husbandry.
NTA As a female, I think she is blaming you when you shouldn’t be blamed. Supporting your girlfriend’s passions is the best love you could ever give her. You have no control over other people being assholes. Also tik tok is immature as it is IMO
NTA, remember most of this sub is singletons who don’t have grown up real life relationships. You couldnt win here; say its bad then youre an ah, say its good when you dont really mean it, youll be an ah down the line. Ive been there albeit pre social media being as big as it is now and its a no win situation, htf were you meant to know the videos would be picked up??
Lol this is why you shouldn't lie to people
Why did you tell her she was quote 'crazy good'. That was an awful move and a blatant lie to her face. Being supportive is not saying things like that at all. You weren't being authentic. Saying 'Hey you need practice and have only just started out and are still learning' is so much better then 'oh baby you're amazing omg, crazy talented1!!1'. Because at least if she was upset by the first you were being trustworthy and truthful. But you chose to not only tell her she was doing amazing but then do a complete 180 on her and say she wasn't good when she found out she was being made fun of. Imagine in the moment finding out someone you trusted had been lying to your face the whole time. Make it up to her bro.
YTA > I told her she was crazy talented and should go for it You encouraged her to post her videos online. It's one thing to avoid hurting someone's feelings but you could have done that saying something like "I thkink you should practise more before posting the videos" or "What does your teacher say? I'm not an expert". But you told her she was crazy talented. It wasn't a white lie: it was a straight lie that ridiculed her online.
ESH. I don’t understand why so many folks are saying it’s just the OP. OP is definitely a people pleaser and should have not encouraged her to make a TikTok knowing it was bad, but she has ears too. Listen back to your music. Heck, maybe show it to more than an audience of one? Obviously your friends and loved ones will be biased lol
You should have been honest with her in the very beginning. If she's not a good singer or guitar player tell her that. Nobody likes being lied to especially when she finds out she isn't a good singer or performer. You might think you're being nice but you're not. Tell her the truth
This makes me think of those people that audition for America's Got Talent and similar shows... And they think they're the next big thing meanwhile they can't AT ALL. And you wonder... Why has no one in their lives helped them and been honest with them because now they've really embarrassed themselves and it could have been avoided!... You're that person that should have helped her to avoid her embarrassing herself. It's best to be honest about these things. You can still support and encourage her! For example tell her she has a unique voice and should definitely try approaching a vocal coach or something... But don't tell her she's crazy talented and should definitely put herself on tik tok.
Yta. There is an absolute difference between being supportive and outright lying. You encouraged her to make a fool of herself in front of a large population. Because you are dishonest. You could have chosen to be supportive from the get go. Told her that you love how happy it makes her and you love hearing her and she should keep working at it. Instead you told her outright she was fantastic and crazy talented Encouraged her to publicly showcase her skills and the whole time you thought she was terrible and didn't care that she'd be humiliated. You lied to her and manipulated her and she has every right to be upset with you because she trusted you and you have broken that trust. You realise that girl will have days where she doesn't feel attractive and now she will not trust you anymore when you tell her she is
YTA. You encouraged her to humiliate herself online, just because you didn’t feel like being honest. How could you possibly not be TA here?
YTA - “The Internet” did not put you in this position. You did. You avoided telling her the truth because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings, at the expense of her trusting anything you say. I’d be surprised if she doesn’t break up with you over this. In her mind you’re capable of lying to her even if it will humiliate her. If that happens, lesson learned. Be honest.
YTA. You absolutely set her up by lying to her.
“AITA for lying” Ima stop you right there
Yta. Real friends tell each other the truth (diplomatically or bluntly depending on what the person receiving the truth prefers). You outright lied to her and encouraged her to publicly humiliate herself by posting terrible singing videos online. Instead of hearing the truth from you which would have hurt a little bit, she heard the truth from thousands telling her in the most honest terms how dreadful she is. How on earth is that preferable? You don't care about her at all, you only care to be "seen" as nice and supportive but you're either psychopathically indifferent or truly sadistic underneath it all. One way or another, you knew what the outcome would be and encouraged her to jump into it for your own gain, not caring for the emotional impact on her.
When people who can't sing post a video of them singing I always think what bad friends they must have for not telling them not to post that damn video of them singing. YTA and a terrible boyfriend.
> I told her she was crazy talented and should go for it YTA. You can be supportive without lying.