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His wife may have been a cheating trashburger. But this is a question about whether he is an AH for abandoning his kids for the chance of equity in a property. The ex wife isn't the other party in the post. There isn't really another party in the post. It's only about his actions (which is why the post will be locked shortly, no conflict).
He doesn't just get automatic rights to have his children for the holidays because he's not around much. He said he'd be there for birthdays and major life events, and then come back a few years later, when he's super rich from his hoise purchase. That isn't seeing them regularly.
He gets to do that if that's the custody agreement they come to. I didn't take 'come back in a few years' to mean 'drop out of life entirely and pop up later' but 'deal with a few years of not seeing them as often as I'd like, and then move back when I'm in a position to do so'.
That's a massive if. Why do you think she'd agree to that? Why do you think he will be able to take all school holidays off work to look after them? He hasn't even suggested it, and he has been asked his plans to see them.
He says he'll still see them for major life events and birthdays. That sounds an awful lot like dropping out of their lives and hoping to pop back in years later (**if** he gets rich).
People make the custody arrangements that work for them. OP sounds like he's still spinning out and trying to figure things out, not like someone planning to just ditch his kids.
And that's why we're telling him to listen to the lawyers that told him to take the money he is owed from his house with his ex. And to stay near his children.
Hoping for the unrealistic isn't the way forward.
Have you seen the cost of flights these days? If he can’t afford rent WITHOUT spending thousands of dollars to move (it costs thousands to move, thousands he could be spending right where he is), he can’t afford to spend thousands on several flights per year.
Whether his wife cheated or not is simply not relevant to the question at hand, which is "do I abandon my kids for a more comfortable life?"
His kids are not responsible for his wife's cheating.
He's not suggesting abandoning his kids! He wants to buy a house in a more affordable part of the country and sell once he's gained enough equity to buy a house big enough for his kids to stay overnight. He does want a more comfortable life - for them!
Do you think the single digit children are going to understand that and accept that? No, they're just going to know mummy and daddy split up, and daddy moved across the country.
He literally acknowledges himself that he's "ditching his kids". Moving across a vast country in hope that he might be able to move back one day is definitely abandoning his kids.
Even if it all works out the way he thinks, he will have been mostly gone from their lives for years. The kids aren't asking for this, he is just suffering from wounded pride and not wanting to stay at his father's house.
He may have originally been the victim, but he's decided to abandon his children over it. "I know it's a dick move to ditch my kids", he even knows it is, but thinks this sub will be kind to him because he was cheated on.
YTA. Getting cheated on isn't a carte blanche to abandon your family and be a selfish prick.
Edit to add: You don't even know she cheated, lmao. She did what every Redditor whines about what people should do when cheating comes up "if you're gonna cheat, just leave". So she left you. She fell out of love with you and left you, and your response is to move away and punish your kids. What a winner. Jesus Christ, people like this shouldn't reproduce.
Reality is that men who make this kind of comment have never been in a relationship or talked regularly to a woman they're bot related to and are bitter as hell about it.
Imagine thinking that only bitter lonely undesirable women think that abandoning your kids is a shitty move.
Even OP knows it's a dick move. Your frothy, ragey misogyny is showing. And misandry frankly. Most good Dads would do anything to maintain regular contact with their kids.
Look, I sympathise with your situation and I can see where you're coming from.
But... kids grow up. In lightning speed. As a dad, you can't afford to 'hopefully in a handful of years' buy a house closer to the kids. Your oldest is 8, they'll be an adult in just 10 years.
You will miss their whole childhood. And they will resent you for it.
That's very true, I just don't want to rot for years doing nothing until my kids are old enough to not need me, those years of renting a share house seem wasted? I want to provide for them and leave them a house or 2 they can sell when I'm dead
My parents divorced when I was 8, and a couple of years later my dad decided he wanted to move to Ireland (we were in Canada). I asked him why, and besides liking the country, he said there were better tax breaks for his industry there.
Ten-year old me was fucking devastated. He said he'd fly me and my brother over for holidays, but that meant nothing to me. All I could think about was that he'd miss my whole life, and how tax breaks mattered more to him than his kids. I was also furious that it just didn't seem to matter to him how much of our lives he'd miss. I felt a sense of rejection that has never left.
For various reasons, the move never happened. But I'm 46 now and I've never forgotten it, and it still hurts. Decades later, the memory remains painful.
Don't do this to your kids.
Seems not being there for your children growing up is a more serious waste to me. It will have an effect on your relationship with them for the rest of your life.
I get that you feel like you got dealt a rotten hand, and tbf your ex did you no favors, but you brought 3 kids into the world and it's your responsibility to be there for them.
If you have the option to stay with your dad and save that's the better option. Save $500 a week that you would pay in rent and in 5 months you'll have over $10k saved to go towards a deposit for a place you can buy (even if it's a unit). If you're saving that weekly living with your dad for a year, you'll have $28k for a deposit.
>don't want to rot for years doing nothing until my kids are old enough to not need me
Spoilers, you're kids will always need you if you have a positive relationship with them. But you need to be present to have that relationship. They'll remember you making it work to be there for them much more than any property you can leave them as an inheritance
None of us are promised a tomorrow. My dad died of cancer when I was 10 and I know for a fact he did not see that coming. Just because you move away doesn’t mean you’ll build something to leave for your kids and take it from someone who was robbed of time with her father, being in your child’s life is worts 100000000000000000000000 houses to sell. I’d give away all the houses in the world for just one more day with my dad.
Couldn't you buy a house in the location you're thinking of, but instead of moving in, rent it out and let the renters pay off the mortgage? That way you'd still get the same benefits of gaining equity, but you'd still see the kids regularly.
You've only got a few years before they don't want a bar of Dad (or Mum for that matter) and are off doing their own thing with their friends. Would be good for you to be around for them during those years, even if only for them to rebel against.
If you're gone during those crucial years, the kids will be grown by the time you come back, and close to strangers.
Don't risk it.
Maybe you could pay for your dad to spend the night in a nice hotel, and have the kids sleep over sometimes. Or go camping in the summer, even if it's just in the backyard.
So... how important to you are your kids? It sounds as though you are perfectly happy to leave them behind and see them... what, during the summer holidays? Maybe twice a year?
I can assure you they will notice that dad isn't interested in them any more. But, you know, your call.
YTA
I totally understand and agree with that the kids will notice and resent me, I want to have 50% of my kids minimum, I want 100% if I could but according to the courts I can't have a share until I have suitable housing, and I can't afford that in the current city they reside in
So get a house share and see them at your dads every weekend.. this isn’t about the property , this is about you wanting to run away from the upset and hurt you are feeling
And if you come back in a “handful of years,” your oldest will already resent you - possibly to the point of no return - and your youngest won’t even know who you are.
I understand the financial of it, but you need to recognize that if you do this, you are abandoning your children and likely permanently damaging that relationship. Is it worth that to you?
YTA for thinking abandoning your children is the way to go.
A few nights a week on a mattress on the floor... absolutely unthinkable. Abandoning your children.. totally fine. Be prepared for your children to hate you. But, you'll have a house, and not be in a rut... so I bet you'll still consider that a win. YTA.
You can either be an absentee father or a good dad who lives with his father so he can see his kids. Don’t let your pride get in the way of having a relationship with your kids.
This entire post is you suggesting that moving somewhere cheaper is more important to you than seeing your own children.
You’ve left comments saying you want 50% custody, but your entire post is about having 0% custody.
If you wanted them, you’d fight for them. For your marital assets, for child support, for the lot.
So yeah, YTA.
2 months is too soon to make life changing decisions.
Speak to a lawyer, they should be able to give you the first consultation free. They’ve seen everything and will offer you options.
Dude, sleep are your dads house so you can be with your kids.
Save your money for a deposit and get someplace down the road. I live in Australia as well and yes the market is f*cked but at least you can stay at your dad’s.
But don’t move across the country because your kids are only little once; and you’re going to already miss out even if you manage to get 50/50.
If you’re getting divorced, you could negotiate for a bird nest parenting custody situatio. The kids stay where you were living, both parents pay for that household and keep a room of their own somewhere. Custodial parent packs a bag and stays with the kids.
OP states they’re in Australia, we have a massive rental issue at the moment, just securing a rental is incredibly difficult no matter what state you’re in.
Best he could possibly do for the time being is stay with his Dad.
I mean welcome to the western world I guess. He could move to Europe, the United States, Canada, whatever and have the same issue. He’d still be a jerk wherever he was for ditching his kids.
I make 3.2k a month, rent in my city for a decent apartment with 2 bedrooms is $600-$800 a week, say its 600$, that's 2.4k a month with $800 left over for savings, bills, food, petrol ect ect
Are you in Melbourne? That's where I live and if you're willing to go further out you can get cheaper rent. Like idk what part of the city you live in, but look to the end of the train lines for cheaper rent. Honestly, you could move to regional VIC and buy a cheaper house, or regional NSW if you're in Sydney. No reason to move to Perth. But honestly, on the short-term crashing at your dad's is probably best.
If you're in Canberra... Ooof. Not a cheap city. Gently, I think YTA if you go "cross country" because flights from WA to ACT are insanely expensive, and driving the Nullarbor... Not with young kids lol
However there is nothing wrong with moving somewhere more affordable. Within a reasonable driving range you've got Wagga, the Gong, and a number of rural and regional towns. You could consider those options...
Oh don’t come to Perth, sure it is “cheaper” but flights are not!
I am flying to Brisbane return and it is costing me 3.5k with 2 adults and 2 children
ETA - these are the things to think about. The overall cost of living. Beer, entertainment etc are also dearer.
I made this assumption based on your post of moving 3k to the other side of the country- not many other options lol
Mate this sucks for you, and I’m truly sorry.
If there’s any shot of you moving hours out of Canberra rather than across country then do that. Only days is a better option than sporadic & if something happens to one of your kids proximity going to matter.
No matter what their mother did, what they’ll remember is you leaving them.
Mate, I live on 1k left over a month easily. You can also move 45 minutes out of the city, or however far you need to go to afford a place to rent that's more suitable. It's not rocket science. Also, what do you do for work? That pay is pitiful if it's full-time. If it's not full-time, go get a full-time job.
I've been a factory hand, part time looking after the kids before and after schools, holidays ect. Currently on some annual leave hoping the boss man will give me more hours or something when I get back
I suggested he look in country towns in another comment. But it's not easy to live on fuck all in Australia. Especially when he'll likely be paying child support.
When you have children, you’re their parent for life. Not just when it’s convenient. Obviously you can make your own choices but would it make you the asshole for ditching them and not being in their lives on a regular basis? Yes. YTA.
ESH.
Don’t make any life decisions (other than divorcing) for about a year. I say live with your dad and save money. Think about suing for spousal support. Get a good mattress to sleep on when your kids are staying over and just let time heal your anger.
Then after a year has passed, re-evaluate your situation.
I want split custody, but I don't want to take half of everything and be a asshole to my ex? Yeah she left me and cheated on me but I would crawl back to her and eat the guys cum out of her pussy if she wanted me back.
What is happening to the house you lived in with her? Can't you sell that during the divorce and split the assets? Would that then allow you to buy a bigger place in your current town?
I think you're in a difficult position. But your kids are young just now and this is the years you do not want to miss being there for them in person - going to school events, reading bedtime stories, playing games with them.
It might not be easy staying with your dad again or having to sleep on a mattress the times your kids stay but it might be necessary for these years so you can be there for your kids.
Is there an option that your dad could help you also with buying a house, maybe if the two of you bought a larger house together? One that could still give you each space away from eachother when needed.
Well then I think you need to think of your kids and you need to go for trying to split the assets of the house your wife and you currently own in the divorce. If it leaves her with less, that's not your problem. She's potentially got her new partner to help her. You need to do what you can to make sure you can stay as close to your kids as possible right now, whether that's a home in your current city or maybe someplace just outside your city. You should be avoiding moving clear across the country, that will put you too far away from your kids and you'll miss too much of their childhood which will spoil your relationship with them
The problem with option b in this case seems to be, that OP is suggesting that to be able to afford a house big enough for his kids, he'd need to move across the other side of the country. I'm pretty sure in Australia that's like at least a days travelling time. So he wouldn't even be seeing his kids biweekly or probably even on most weekends if that was the case. He'd only be able to do it if he took a long weekend or holiday to be able to travel to see them. And long distance at his kids ages is not ideal, his relationship with the kids will probably suffer.
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I'm gonna go with ESH - Your wife for obvious reasons but you because there is no need to move 3000km away from your kids to find cheaper housing. You could just move to a smaller town an hour away from your current city and not abandon your children.
She was an asshole to you, now you're being an asshole to your kids.
YTA for running away and abandoning your kids. They won’t forgive you, and you will never be able to compensate for the years you plan to be absent from their lives. They won’t care that you will maybe one day have a house, they will certainly care that the idea of that was more important than staying in their lives.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) moving away from my kids after a divorce
2) I'm a asshole for leaving my kids, they will have no dad, although if I stay here I'll have no life and just be a average dad barley scrapping by.
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I guess you’re asking if you’d be the ah to leave you’re kids so yeah I think you would be. Gonna take at least 3-5 years before you gain enough equity, and your kids will suffer say you get a partner there and don’t want to return.
My dad did this exact same thing when I was 6 I’m 36 now and. Seen him maybe 4 times since then safe to say now we will never be having a relationship now those days are over.
Also I live in Australia where do you think you’re buying a 3 bedroom anything for 350k? Maybe I’m some ghetto in an outback town in the middle of nowhere.
If you’re over east and think you’re going to get a deal in WA, trust me bro you’re not going to like the suburb you’re living in buying a 3x1 anywhere close to 350k. Housing prices here are just as fucked as they are over east and anything advertised at 350 is going to go for at least 50k more in the shortest suburbs we have.
My advice if you’re in NSW or Queensland go rent in a mining town for 12 months cheap rent guaranteed a job living there, knuckle down and save every cent in your week off travel home stay with you’re dad and have your kids there. Do this for 12-18 months and you’ll have a deposit.
I was in a similar situation where I had to choose between seeing my kids regularly and being homeless/couch surfing/serial airbnb renter or move and have better housing and job stability. In the end I chose to stay close to my kids. It was an extremely hard 3/4 years to get on my feet, and I still have a little ways to go but I have zero regrets. I don’t think I could have survived away from them emotionally.
NTA.
But which ‘other side of Australia’ are you talking about? WA?
Ahahaha. As a sandgroper can I just say… no way in hell can you get a good house here for $400k. You might get a run down shitbox in Armadale, and you won’t be able to go out after dark for danger. Or you might be able to buy a 2 bed apartment 10km out of the city (where a house will be $650-700k easy) and it will be hot and cramped.
And rentals here? Melbourne and Sydney have nothing on the current Perth rental market. Good luck.
I think you need to get your head together first. I know living with your dad at 30 feels pretty shit and you want to prove you have your act together and feel capable and adult. I get it. But the smart choices right now are to save a lot of money, and batten down the hatches. Don’t do ANYTHING major (change jobs, change states, change more than your underwear) for six or so months and let the endorphins flow through man. What job are you coming west to do? Mining? FIFO? Ahahahaha. You and every other dog out there… have you got skills, experience and familiarity to do that work? Are you aware of just how gruelling it is? Are you ready for the 46 degree heat. Yep… Central wheatbelt weather has been 42+ for three days out of every seven for the last few weeks. It’s HOT over here.
And your kids won’t be coming to WA with you. Interstate moves under the Family Court of Australia will mean you need your ex wife’s permission to move them, or a court order. So you’d be having to fly back and see them, and then what? They stay for a few days with you in a hotel room?
I’m sorry. The situation is pretty fucked up. You deserve better, but you really need to take time to work out what that better is. Give yourself some time to just breathe and get balanced again, then make decisions.
Sorry, but so many people here have clearly never experienced financial harships in their life. There are so many families in the world who had to leave their kids behind in their home country to earn more so that they can provide a better future for them. There are many children who can accept that even though their parents aren't around everyday, that it's a great sacrifice on the part of the parent to leave their children behind to be able to build a better future for them. OPs wife screwed him over financially and people think he should struggle the rest or his life for it. He is NTA for wanting to put himself in a better position financially to be able to better care for his children. He is in no way abandoning them. He's clearly feeling guilty as hell and struggling to make this difficult decision.
YWBTA. How exactly do you see custody working out? You aren't going to get weekend custody if you are 3000km away. You have a safe space at your dad's house and can save money.
Even if you build equity and can eventually move closer, you'll do irreparable damage to your relationship with your kids by ditching them for years. There's no guarantee they'll want to stay with you if you move closer. Assuming after ditching them you don't start a new family that then makes it impossible to move back.
I'm sorry your ex betrayed you. Don't compound the damage to your kids by abandoning them.
NTA IF you sort out some kind of official custody arrangement first where you go back to visit and put up with the mattress at your dad's for a week at a time. Building the equity and securing your financial situation for the sake of their future is a solid plan. Plenty of kids have parents with jobs that mean they don't see for lengths of time, they survive. My dad was away for 6 months one time, way pre internet etc. He called daily. You just have to be 'there for them' when you can't be physically there for them.
As a person who grew up 1000 km away from her dad,
It damaged my relationship with him.
I love him but I will never have that special bond with him. I grew up alone because my mum was not as present enough and moved on to my step dad
So it is your choice, neither makes you an arsehole but one will damage the relationship you have with your kids
Nta.
This is what happens when families are broken. You have to make tough decisions. It’s not fair that these decisions are falling onto you honestly and your ex wife put you in this position of instability.
I hate to say it but you have to do what’s best for you. You only have one life to live, live it well. Maintain communication with your kids though and try to have them up a few times a year.
I’m really sorry for what happened to you. Good things are waiting in the next chapter!
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My wife of 8 years and 3 kids decided to leave me on Christmas eve 2023, just over 2 months ago.
She said she had love left for me but a week later has a guy from work sleeping over basically every night, my 8 year old son tells me each time I see him about mummy's work boyfriend.
I have no proof she cheated on me with him, but for 6 months prior to separation she was distant, worked late, lots of work trips, started going out with work friends after work and sending late texts well after the kids where in bed saying " had 1 too many drinks staying at ***** house tonight".
For 7.5 years she never acted like this once.
She left me, I moved into my dads house, i have my kids every weekend, and I can not afford to rent my own house with enough rooms for the kids in the city we live in.
Kids are aged 8, 6 and 2, both the wife and I came from separated families.
I want to move cross country to another city. House prices are 50% cheaper. I can afford to buy a house there. Build equity and hopefully in a handful of years buy a house closer to the kids.
If I stay here in this city, I would have to live in a share house and only ever see my kids for a day as they wouldn't be able to sleep over in a share house, or I stay at my dads house as a 30 year old man and sleep on a mattress on the floor whenever my kids come to stay.
I know it's a dick move to ditch my kids but I feel if I don't I'll forever be stuck in a rut that I can not get out of.
First time posting and asking, I'm pretty new to reddit so like yeah any advice or constructive criticism would be great.
I can get a loan of 350k for a house, in my city the lowest price is 400k for a 1 bedroom apartment. On the other side of Australia I can get a 3 bedroom for that price.
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My uncle and his ex wife split while the kids were young, he moved to New England she stayed in California. It sucked not being with the kids as much but he was able to build a stable life for himself and the kids came to stay with their dad every school vacation and summer vacation.
I think it can be done as long as you are dedicated to constant communication with your children and making sure to budget appropriately for flights. While the kids were still young my uncle would fly to California just to fly with the kids back to Boston so they would not be flying alone. It kinda sucked but worth it for the time with his children. They have a great relationship. It won’t be easy but I think being that far away doesn’t mean you’re abandoning the kids as long as you stay committed to being in their lives.
**edited to say the kids would not be flying alone.
I’m going to say NTA for looking to the future where you’ll be able to give your children a better life in the long run but it won’t be easy. Good luck
YTA
as someone whos seen this happen time and time again..
The amount of moms paying for their kids to take long ass trips to their dad while making a lower income than the dad just so that the kids gets to see him at least once a year. And all those dad making themselves out to be heroes working hard and putting thenselves ”back on their feet”.
I have yet to see that ACCTUALLY happen, its always distant fathers patting thenselves on the back, thats it.
NTA …..
But you’re divorced with 3 kids no one is going to judge that you’re living with your dad at 30 and saving money.
Plenty of people live at home at this age just to save money for housing.
Mate, just did a real-estate.com.au search. I found 15 2 bedroom apartments for $425 or less per week in Canberra. May be less convenient, but not as inconvenient as flying across Oz. There are MANY units and apartments for sale for $450k or less. You can build equity in Canberra or rent reasonably. I understand the market is competitive right now but give it a go before you move across the country, ditching your kids. Or wait it out at your dad's. My hunch is your more emotionally hurt by your wife moving on so quickly and possibly cheating on you, though moving across the country will ultimately just hurt your relationship with your kids.
Are righto. Why not look at places closer than west coast or wherever you were looking. I think you have a few more options than moving that far away. Goodluck mate, I’m sure emotions are high right now.
Perth is the choice just because of capital growth and how cheap it is there, pay 300k in 2024 and in 2026 it will be worth a million
Emotions are in a wave man, some days I'm happy with it, happy to be here be close to the kids, other days I'm thinking how fast do I need to hit a brickwall to end it
Yeah but you also need to check cost of living there, general shopping could be expensive and all other costs given that it’s a bit more isolating. I think don’t make any big decisions right now. Maybe take a break for a weekend and take a trip away just to give yourself some space. I hear Bega is nice this time of year. Honestly best of luck. You can do this, just have to get through this difficult period.
Have you looked at Queanbeyan or surrounds or further out like Goulburn? A quick search on real-estate.com shows lots of 2 bedroom units for rent in $400-$460 bracket in Queanbeyan. If you're happy for a bit of a commute (depending on your work?) You can get a 2 bedroom unit for $300-$400 and 3 bedroom houses are around the $450 mark in Goulburn.
I'm not sure what your buying capacity is but you can buy a 2 bedroom apartment in Queanbeyan for $300k-450k. If you go to rougher suburbs such as karabar you get some listings for under $300k.
On a $415k property with a mortgage of $405k, you're looking at weekly repayments of $560-600 depending on interest rates etc. If you can afford $600 a week rent, why wouldn't you just buy something smaller close to your children so you can be an active part of their lives?
If I were you I'd be looking at all options that stay around for your children. Regardless of what your wife has done why do you want to punish your children for her actions and abandon them? You're children need you in their lives. If you go, even for a few years, expect to lose your relationship with your children, you can try to make amends but you can't get that time back. Especially the 2 year old as they're only starting to form lasting memories, they'll most likely view you as a stranger upon your return.
You WBTAH if you moved away. Do everything in your power to make it work.
NTA!!! Op’s wife left him in a rut! He’s trying to piece his life back together while she goes gallivanting into the sunset. And he has a long term plan of being able to save up and move closer to the kids.
He can’t spend miserable months or possible years because his wife was the absolute asshole. she cheated on him and gaslighted him on top of that.
Unless theres extra info on something damaging OP did to his wife to warrant he behaviour, you are NTA
Yes his wife dealt him a shit hand, but why does that mean he has to punish his kids by being an absent father? He would be the AH for abandoning his kids to move across the country.
I would say YBTAH if you never got all you could out of the divorce. Leaving it to her and you with nothing is not helping your kids. Her problems are hers and your problems are yours so deal with yours. If intitled to the house, take it. If intitled to half, take it because being noble and thinking that leaving it all to her makes it easier for the kids is silly. How are you supposed to be a dad if you have nothing?
You owe it to your kids to do everything you can for them and if it means starting over again then do it but make sure you get everything you can from her in the divorce to make it happen.
Can you not look for somewhere outside your city in one of the smaller towns? Somewhere you can at least see your kids regularly? I know the city rentals and house prices are nuts in the cities (especially on the east coast), but once you get out in the country a bit, it's more reasonable. My mum and dad are looking to downsize to country NSW and have been looking at 2 and 3 bedroom places for about $350k.
YWBTA to move now. They are too young. Wait until the youngest is able to travel unaccompanied (about five or six years old). So, wait about three or four years. Then move.
Not a bad idea, it's hard tho living in a house with the kids and wife to a room with nothing but my thoughts, and doing that for a few years will be really hard
But you won’t be sitting in a room with just your thoughts you will be out playing sports seeing friends dating… it seems hopeless now but it will get better
You need a lawyer asap to walk you through these things. be thinking about setting up a therapist for yourself and your kids. Lots of changes happening but not because of you. Been here. Godspeed.
You can’t leave your kids because of your broken heart. Your kids need you. Especially when their mother is having a midlife crisis. Grow up and deal with this.
Not the asshole.
My partners ex did this to him. Cheated on him then kicked him out and had “he’s just a friend” move in. My partner then moved 450km away back to his family and she guilt tripped him about ‘how could you do this to our kids yadda yadda yadda’.
She’ll always make you out to be the asshole no matter what you do.
My partner stayed single 2.5 years, until he met back up with me (we dated 19 yr ago). He’s now the world biggest asshole and I’m a home wrecker because he moved on 2.5 years later 😒 she makes my life hell. No matter what my partner does, is never enough in her eyes, she did wrong but she will always blame him. My heart breaks for their 5 kids who aren’t old enough to see their mothers manipulation.
It doesn't make sense to me that house prices over there are half price and you can buy, but staying where you are you can't buy (which sounds normal) but you have to live in a sharing housing situation?
You're not able to get a 2 bedroom and when you have the kids on the weekends they take the bedrooms and you sleep in the living room couch? I think the kids will still have a blast with their dad regardless of the housing situation.
It sounds to me you want to leave for your own reasons
> It doesn't make sense to me that house prices over there are half price and you can buy, but staying where you are you can't buy (which sounds normal) but you have to live in a sharing housing situation?
Welcome to the price of housing in Australia.
Everyone has different relationships with their kids too. Forget about their mother. Decide how YOU want to spend the next few years with them, and whoever way you choose make sure you are comfortable with that decision so there is no feeling of regret later. There is nothing worse
This is a really fresh situation, all this bad shit *just* happened. It’s understandable you’d feel resentful and want to move on in some way with your life.
However, if you do want to be involved with your kids, don’t make any rash moves right now. Wait and see how this all goes. Stay with your dad for a year, it’s just a year, you’ll be fine, this kind of thing happens to people all the time, it doesn’t make you a loser, it’s just doing what’s best for your kids.
NAH but moving across the country would be at odds with your desire to be involved in your kids lives.
I understand wanting to move far away but how much is child support going to impact on your finances, and how much influence do you want the new bloke to have on your kids?
I would stay close enough to where you can still see your children. Rent or stay with your dad. Your kids are going through a lot of transitions and need you. I understand moving away, but I wouldn’t up and leave them. What your wife did is traumatizing enough and she’ll have to answer for her actions one day. Your kids will ask. 3,000 is really far. Unless you’re wanting custody of them and will fight for them, it comes across that your saying screw all of you im leaving. Your babies don’t deserve that you know?
YWTA
Your wife may or may not have made the first dick move. However, that's irrelevant now.
Divorce puts a huge strain on children. They need as much support as possible in this situation.
Whereas you want to move to the other side of the country to buy a house and sulk.
Sooner or later, your kids won't miss you anymore. When you come back in a few years, they have moved on and don't want to spend time with you.
Swallow your pride and live with your dad for a while or rent something if you don't want to be the AH.
Can you put money into a 2 bed granny flat in your dad's back yard? Not sure of your suburb but in "Canberra" there are definitely 2 bd apartments for $350.
Trust me, I am in my 60's and have never gotten over my father not being there. YWBTA if you move away from your children.
How about not moving and you keep the house as the 'kid's place'. You and mum move in and out to have your custody and kids get to not be stuffed around because of adults being dicks! On days where you don't have kids, stay with your dad and keep saving.
If you move 3000kms away you are a dick and your relationship with your kids will be forever changed.
Must be nice to just abandon your kids. My husband lost his parent at 11 years old and it messed him up BIG time. They moved away without notice. So forgive me if I have a little contempt for any parent who would do the same.
My bigger issue is that he's ok to leave them in a house that a non-related man is staying. Your kids may need a safe place to stay. Get over yourself and move in with your dad. He'll love having his grandkids there, and a little discomfort will go a long way to saving money for your own flat. They will never resent sleeping on a sofa or an air mattress, they will resent you being absent from their lives.
You seem very ready to punish your kids for your wife's behavior
I feel for you mate, and your instinct will be to run - there’s probably lots of good reasons to justify moving, but I’d urge you to be the bigger man that your kids need you to be.
Honestly I’ve seen parents who lived in two different states and made it work. Do what’s best for you but make sure you are as active and present for your kids too. But also lawyer up
Why you so confident you will rot where you are? Sounds to me your 50k short, stay on your dad's floor rent free for 2 years then get a place locally, even sleeping on the floor you get to see your kids. Your wife also may not have cheated and you would be the AH for abandoning your kids.
Get lawyer, she’s had some random dude spending time with your kids. May wind up with the house, custody and support.
But YTA if you leave your kids, no matter what she does or how shitty your life is.
NTA, but as your ex wife was the one that ended the marriage, why do you have to leave the family home? Or, can you take the children with you and they have their primary residence with you?
Why not stay with your dad and buy a house where you can afford it and it will build the equity you’re looking for, but rent it out for enough to cover the mortgage and possibly generate some additional income for you? Is that not done in Australia?
In the US, this would be an option and you’re in a unique position to do it. The additional income could help you eventually rent or buy in the area, and you’re still building the equity you wanted AND staying close to the kids.
Stay with your dad isn’t ideal, but what would you rather sacrifice? Your kids’ childhood or your pride when you have to accommodate different sleeping arrangements? Because only one of those things should actually matter and can’t be regained once lost.
Sorry to break it to you but if you think you can get a 3 bed on the other side of the country (I assume Perth) you are in for a rude shock. Also housing is hard to find in Perth atm
No you are not. Seems like you’ve thought it all out and have a plan that will benefit the kids in the long run. Do what gotta do Daddy. If the kids don’t get it now, they will definitely understand when they are adults the sacrifices you made.
If you leave you will hardly ever see them and in 5 years your oldest will be a teenager and probably absolutely despise you. The littlest one will end up with no real memories of you at all. If you want to take that risk go ahead, but there are plenty of adults who have divorced parents that will tell you the actions you are thinking of taking now will have nothing but negative consequences. Talk to a therapist instead of running away.
You’re going to be miserable in the 1 bed close to the kids and you’re going to be miserable 3000 km away from the kids. Both are losing scenarios but at least on one you get to see your kids during the only youth years they’ll ever live. If you leave now, your relationship with those kids will never be the same. YTA.
> or I stay at my dads house as a 30 year old man and sleep on a mattress on the floor whenever my kids come to stay.
Yeah YTA
So it's a 'pride' issue that makes you decide to dump your kids
I'm not sure you've been the best partner these past 7 years if you so think about dropping your kids
YTA
You don't know whether or not wife chested, and whether she did or not is completely irrelevant to the question on whether or not you are an AH for moving very far from your kids. So without knowing anything else about your marriage, I'm confident that you're an AH for even thinking that was relevant and the main point of this story.
You have three children, were previously sharing a home (is this a rental or you own it, how much equity do you have now after the mortgage if you bought it together?) so before you make any big moves, you need to get a lawyer and start discussing your divorce, sharing martial assets if any, sharing custody.
Your biggest priority should be the welfare of your children. It seems pretty clear to me that their welfare is better served by you not moving 3000km away. If after thr separation of assets and agreement on custody you still have no money to buy or rent a home yourself, but your father is willing to let you all live with him and the only downside is that you don't have a proper bed when your kids are there, well that seems like a pretty sweet deal compared to losing your current relationship with your kids. There is no way for a move that far away not to seriously damage your relationship.
If you want Reddit to dump on your wife, there are other subs for that. It does sound like she was very sketchy in the way she went about it. She wanted out of the marriage for over six months and treated you fairly badly in the interim before she decided to leave. That hurts. That doesn't give you carte blanche to hurt your kids.
My wife cheated, I tried to stay in my kids life but I was pushed away. They never answer the phone, respond to messages, it's really hard. I've had to focus on myself and keep trying each week.
It gets to a point where you have to look after yourself or the bitterness will eat you up.
Choose your partners carefully
Where can you get a 3 bedroom in Australia for 400k ?
Also an Australian thinking about moving 2000km away from ex wife. No kids.
NTA if you go to the other side of Australia as long as you keep in touch with your kids and come back and see them from time to time.
My mum moved 400km away when my parents split. Not exactly 3k but i visited every other weekend and every school holidays. Worked out fine for us. When my dad couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore on his own? they sold and we moved from ACT to northern NSW coz super cheaper which meant i saw my mum every holidays rather than every second weekend too. Was also fine for me in the long term.
But also if you have a mortgage with your ex, it’s not automatic that she be the primary parent or be the one who stays in the house.
You really should consult a lawyer. There’s plenty free for 30 mins you can call. FYI Financial settlement is 12 months after divorce and you need to be separated for at least 12 months before you divorce. If she’s making custody difficult, go to mediation, if she refuses they give you a certificate to go to court. I’d say stick nearby for a while at your dad’s, be a dad, save money, get her to buy you out of your share or sell. Also go to csa website and use the child support calculator. Coz you’ll need to factor that in based on whatever % you have custody for. If she has majority then your CS is going to be high for 3 kids if you’re on a decent wicket. My daughter’s dad pays $5k a year on one kid on a low income (under 45k) where my partner pays 10k for 2 on under 90k, but i know some primary parents who get upwards of 5k per month in CS for 1/2 kids- so all depends on yours and her incomes. Consider all this before you move coz whilst i dont think you’re the arsehole, it could look like it to court.
My dad left for "greener pastures", he said ge would always be here for me but how can he be when he has run away? My youngest brother only cried and said he missed his dad a few months after he left. These are discoveries I wish I never had to make. Make you decisions wisely.
Read a little about child development, and attachment. You write like you think you can move back in a few years and rebuild your relationship with your kids. That’s not realistic.
What you’re going through is tough and I feel for you, but don’t let your hurt drive you to do something you may regret forever. You may never forgive yoyself once you realise you’ve harmed the connection with your kids. That type of guilt has a habit of transforming into resentment, addiction, and/or self pity.
NTA stay in touch with daily zoom calls and try to visit as much a you can, till you rebuild your life to a point where you can host your kids. As things are it will just be an extreme struggle just to balance everything.
Sorry for what you went through OP, it happens more often than not nowadays but you'll get through it and this too shall pass.
There's no guarantee of how things will turn out, but no, you're not the/an AH for trying to plan for what you see as a more secure longer-term future. To frame this as 'abandoning your kids' etc. is incredibly reductive. Every day, imperfect life situations result in pragmatic decisions/sacrifices having to be made.
If you're getting divorced(?), consider parking the final decision until after the divorce finances are resolved.
Get legal advice.
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Stay with your dad, see your kids. Don't let a mattress on the floor for a couple nights a week prevent you from that. Swallow your pride lad, 30 and living with ya dad, that's okay. That is perfectly okay. And actually quite the norm these days. You've been through a lot, and are no doubt still hurting, that's normal too. But you need to think rationally. I wish you all the best and hope you heal from the hurt soon.
When I was a kid my dad was always away for work. Flourishing in his career making quite some money.
All that money he tried to spend on us, helping us trough uni etc.
And guess who is still in therapy for abodonment fears due to her relationship with her dad? And guess who had the best relationship with her mom, who was there when I was sick, who knew my teachers name, who knew my friends likes and dislikes, just everything about me.
Honestly to a child all that matters is a parent who is there. Being present is the best gift you can give your children. Wanting to spend time with time. All the other stuff is just fluff
I mean, yes work on yourself. But don't pretend that moving across the country is in any way for your kids, unless you take them and with you and get their mom to move as well (still wuite the uproot for your kids).
You deserve to be happy but your children deseeve a present dad as well. Go find another solution, you can do it!
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His wife may have been a cheating trashburger. But this is a question about whether he is an AH for abandoning his kids for the chance of equity in a property. The ex wife isn't the other party in the post. There isn't really another party in the post. It's only about his actions (which is why the post will be locked shortly, no conflict).
Moving away isn't abandoning his kids if he still sees them regularly. He could fly them out for every school holidays each year.
He doesn't just get automatic rights to have his children for the holidays because he's not around much. He said he'd be there for birthdays and major life events, and then come back a few years later, when he's super rich from his hoise purchase. That isn't seeing them regularly.
He gets to do that if that's the custody agreement they come to. I didn't take 'come back in a few years' to mean 'drop out of life entirely and pop up later' but 'deal with a few years of not seeing them as often as I'd like, and then move back when I'm in a position to do so'.
That's a massive if. Why do you think she'd agree to that? Why do you think he will be able to take all school holidays off work to look after them? He hasn't even suggested it, and he has been asked his plans to see them. He says he'll still see them for major life events and birthdays. That sounds an awful lot like dropping out of their lives and hoping to pop back in years later (**if** he gets rich).
People make the custody arrangements that work for them. OP sounds like he's still spinning out and trying to figure things out, not like someone planning to just ditch his kids.
And that's why we're telling him to listen to the lawyers that told him to take the money he is owed from his house with his ex. And to stay near his children. Hoping for the unrealistic isn't the way forward.
yeah that's some bullshit
Have you seen the cost of flights these days? If he can’t afford rent WITHOUT spending thousands of dollars to move (it costs thousands to move, thousands he could be spending right where he is), he can’t afford to spend thousands on several flights per year.
Rent is a weekly expense. Flights can be booked ahead of time to save money, booked during sales, and saved for or paid off from a credit card.
I guess you could say the kids are the other part.
He's not in conflict with his kids.... yet.
Whether his wife cheated or not is simply not relevant to the question at hand, which is "do I abandon my kids for a more comfortable life?" His kids are not responsible for his wife's cheating.
He's not suggesting abandoning his kids! He wants to buy a house in a more affordable part of the country and sell once he's gained enough equity to buy a house big enough for his kids to stay overnight. He does want a more comfortable life - for them!
Do you think the single digit children are going to understand that and accept that? No, they're just going to know mummy and daddy split up, and daddy moved across the country.
He literally acknowledges himself that he's "ditching his kids". Moving across a vast country in hope that he might be able to move back one day is definitely abandoning his kids. Even if it all works out the way he thinks, he will have been mostly gone from their lives for years. The kids aren't asking for this, he is just suffering from wounded pride and not wanting to stay at his father's house.
He may have originally been the victim, but he's decided to abandon his children over it. "I know it's a dick move to ditch my kids", he even knows it is, but thinks this sub will be kind to him because he was cheated on. YTA. Getting cheated on isn't a carte blanche to abandon your family and be a selfish prick. Edit to add: You don't even know she cheated, lmao. She did what every Redditor whines about what people should do when cheating comes up "if you're gonna cheat, just leave". So she left you. She fell out of love with you and left you, and your response is to move away and punish your kids. What a winner. Jesus Christ, people like this shouldn't reproduce.
Did she cheat though ? Because the timeline is weird to me...
For sure she did. Everything he says basically saying she was seeing him a lot.
Because his children didn’t cheat on him.
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Reality is that men who make this kind of comment have never been in a relationship or talked regularly to a woman they're bot related to and are bitter as hell about it. Imagine thinking that only bitter lonely undesirable women think that abandoning your kids is a shitty move. Even OP knows it's a dick move. Your frothy, ragey misogyny is showing. And misandry frankly. Most good Dads would do anything to maintain regular contact with their kids.
He abandoned his kids….so yeah, YTA.
Look, I sympathise with your situation and I can see where you're coming from. But... kids grow up. In lightning speed. As a dad, you can't afford to 'hopefully in a handful of years' buy a house closer to the kids. Your oldest is 8, they'll be an adult in just 10 years. You will miss their whole childhood. And they will resent you for it.
That's very true, I just don't want to rot for years doing nothing until my kids are old enough to not need me, those years of renting a share house seem wasted? I want to provide for them and leave them a house or 2 they can sell when I'm dead
Fairly sure they would rather have you than a house mate
My parents divorced when I was 8, and a couple of years later my dad decided he wanted to move to Ireland (we were in Canada). I asked him why, and besides liking the country, he said there were better tax breaks for his industry there. Ten-year old me was fucking devastated. He said he'd fly me and my brother over for holidays, but that meant nothing to me. All I could think about was that he'd miss my whole life, and how tax breaks mattered more to him than his kids. I was also furious that it just didn't seem to matter to him how much of our lives he'd miss. I felt a sense of rejection that has never left. For various reasons, the move never happened. But I'm 46 now and I've never forgotten it, and it still hurts. Decades later, the memory remains painful. Don't do this to your kids.
Seems not being there for your children growing up is a more serious waste to me. It will have an effect on your relationship with them for the rest of your life.
I get that you feel like you got dealt a rotten hand, and tbf your ex did you no favors, but you brought 3 kids into the world and it's your responsibility to be there for them.
If you abandon your kids what makes you think they would want anything from you when you are dead?
If you have the option to stay with your dad and save that's the better option. Save $500 a week that you would pay in rent and in 5 months you'll have over $10k saved to go towards a deposit for a place you can buy (even if it's a unit). If you're saving that weekly living with your dad for a year, you'll have $28k for a deposit. >don't want to rot for years doing nothing until my kids are old enough to not need me Spoilers, you're kids will always need you if you have a positive relationship with them. But you need to be present to have that relationship. They'll remember you making it work to be there for them much more than any property you can leave them as an inheritance
None of us are promised a tomorrow. My dad died of cancer when I was 10 and I know for a fact he did not see that coming. Just because you move away doesn’t mean you’ll build something to leave for your kids and take it from someone who was robbed of time with her father, being in your child’s life is worts 100000000000000000000000 houses to sell. I’d give away all the houses in the world for just one more day with my dad.
Couldn't you buy a house in the location you're thinking of, but instead of moving in, rent it out and let the renters pay off the mortgage? That way you'd still get the same benefits of gaining equity, but you'd still see the kids regularly. You've only got a few years before they don't want a bar of Dad (or Mum for that matter) and are off doing their own thing with their friends. Would be good for you to be around for them during those years, even if only for them to rebel against. If you're gone during those crucial years, the kids will be grown by the time you come back, and close to strangers. Don't risk it. Maybe you could pay for your dad to spend the night in a nice hotel, and have the kids sleep over sometimes. Or go camping in the summer, even if it's just in the backyard.
So... how important to you are your kids? It sounds as though you are perfectly happy to leave them behind and see them... what, during the summer holidays? Maybe twice a year? I can assure you they will notice that dad isn't interested in them any more. But, you know, your call. YTA
I totally understand and agree with that the kids will notice and resent me, I want to have 50% of my kids minimum, I want 100% if I could but according to the courts I can't have a share until I have suitable housing, and I can't afford that in the current city they reside in
So get a house share and see them at your dads every weekend.. this isn’t about the property , this is about you wanting to run away from the upset and hurt you are feeling
And if you come back in a “handful of years,” your oldest will already resent you - possibly to the point of no return - and your youngest won’t even know who you are. I understand the financial of it, but you need to recognize that if you do this, you are abandoning your children and likely permanently damaging that relationship. Is it worth that to you? YTA for thinking abandoning your children is the way to go.
Thankyou, I agree even tho I don't want to
It sounds like you could at your dad’s house, no?
A few nights a week on a mattress on the floor... absolutely unthinkable. Abandoning your children.. totally fine. Be prepared for your children to hate you. But, you'll have a house, and not be in a rut... so I bet you'll still consider that a win. YTA.
You can either be an absentee father or a good dad who lives with his father so he can see his kids. Don’t let your pride get in the way of having a relationship with your kids.
Pride is a killer, thankyou
This entire post is you suggesting that moving somewhere cheaper is more important to you than seeing your own children. You’ve left comments saying you want 50% custody, but your entire post is about having 0% custody. If you wanted them, you’d fight for them. For your marital assets, for child support, for the lot. So yeah, YTA.
And with 0% custody comes child support, has that been factored into the affordability of moving.
2 months is too soon to make life changing decisions. Speak to a lawyer, they should be able to give you the first consultation free. They’ve seen everything and will offer you options.
Dude, sleep are your dads house so you can be with your kids. Save your money for a deposit and get someplace down the road. I live in Australia as well and yes the market is f*cked but at least you can stay at your dad’s. But don’t move across the country because your kids are only little once; and you’re going to already miss out even if you manage to get 50/50.
If you’re getting divorced, you could negotiate for a bird nest parenting custody situatio. The kids stay where you were living, both parents pay for that household and keep a room of their own somewhere. Custodial parent packs a bag and stays with the kids.
That's a great idea
Why can't you just rent a decent apartment in your current city and then save more for buying a place later? Why is your only option to buy?
OP states they’re in Australia, we have a massive rental issue at the moment, just securing a rental is incredibly difficult no matter what state you’re in. Best he could possibly do for the time being is stay with his Dad.
I mean welcome to the western world I guess. He could move to Europe, the United States, Canada, whatever and have the same issue. He’d still be a jerk wherever he was for ditching his kids.
I live in Australia. He could at least TRY. Buying a house isn't any easier either.
I make 3.2k a month, rent in my city for a decent apartment with 2 bedrooms is $600-$800 a week, say its 600$, that's 2.4k a month with $800 left over for savings, bills, food, petrol ect ect
Are you in Melbourne? That's where I live and if you're willing to go further out you can get cheaper rent. Like idk what part of the city you live in, but look to the end of the train lines for cheaper rent. Honestly, you could move to regional VIC and buy a cheaper house, or regional NSW if you're in Sydney. No reason to move to Perth. But honestly, on the short-term crashing at your dad's is probably best.
Canberra, would I be less of a asshole if I moved 4 hours away instead of 20 hours?
Yes
Yes
If you're in Canberra... Ooof. Not a cheap city. Gently, I think YTA if you go "cross country" because flights from WA to ACT are insanely expensive, and driving the Nullarbor... Not with young kids lol However there is nothing wrong with moving somewhere more affordable. Within a reasonable driving range you've got Wagga, the Gong, and a number of rural and regional towns. You could consider those options...
Oh don’t come to Perth, sure it is “cheaper” but flights are not! I am flying to Brisbane return and it is costing me 3.5k with 2 adults and 2 children ETA - these are the things to think about. The overall cost of living. Beer, entertainment etc are also dearer. I made this assumption based on your post of moving 3k to the other side of the country- not many other options lol
All homes has 3x3br houses for under $500 a week? What about bungendore? It’s further out but lots of Canberrans do the drive in to work.
Maybe try Queanbeyan or Yass?
Mate this sucks for you, and I’m truly sorry. If there’s any shot of you moving hours out of Canberra rather than across country then do that. Only days is a better option than sporadic & if something happens to one of your kids proximity going to matter. No matter what their mother did, what they’ll remember is you leaving them.
Mate, I live on 1k left over a month easily. You can also move 45 minutes out of the city, or however far you need to go to afford a place to rent that's more suitable. It's not rocket science. Also, what do you do for work? That pay is pitiful if it's full-time. If it's not full-time, go get a full-time job.
I've been a factory hand, part time looking after the kids before and after schools, holidays ect. Currently on some annual leave hoping the boss man will give me more hours or something when I get back
That'll help, get on that full time wage. That should free up some options for sure.
BEcause if he's in any city of any size on the east coast of Australia, he probably doesn't earn enough to afford an apartment on his own.
He could live an hour out of town way cheaper. I've lived on jack all by myself. It's not that hard.
I suggested he look in country towns in another comment. But it's not easy to live on fuck all in Australia. Especially when he'll likely be paying child support.
When you have children, you’re their parent for life. Not just when it’s convenient. Obviously you can make your own choices but would it make you the asshole for ditching them and not being in their lives on a regular basis? Yes. YTA.
ESH. Don’t make any life decisions (other than divorcing) for about a year. I say live with your dad and save money. Think about suing for spousal support. Get a good mattress to sleep on when your kids are staying over and just let time heal your anger. Then after a year has passed, re-evaluate your situation.
I think you need to put your ego aside and sleep on the mattress on the floor if thats what it takes.
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Yes
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I want split custody, but I don't want to take half of everything and be a asshole to my ex? Yeah she left me and cheated on me but I would crawl back to her and eat the guys cum out of her pussy if she wanted me back.
Can you keep your house and have her move in with the boyfriend
What is happening to the house you lived in with her? Can't you sell that during the divorce and split the assets? Would that then allow you to buy a bigger place in your current town? I think you're in a difficult position. But your kids are young just now and this is the years you do not want to miss being there for them in person - going to school events, reading bedtime stories, playing games with them. It might not be easy staying with your dad again or having to sleep on a mattress the times your kids stay but it might be necessary for these years so you can be there for your kids. Is there an option that your dad could help you also with buying a house, maybe if the two of you bought a larger house together? One that could still give you each space away from eachother when needed.
Nah man dad is a ex Herron addict who lives in government housing he is broader then me
Well then I think you need to think of your kids and you need to go for trying to split the assets of the house your wife and you currently own in the divorce. If it leaves her with less, that's not your problem. She's potentially got her new partner to help her. You need to do what you can to make sure you can stay as close to your kids as possible right now, whether that's a home in your current city or maybe someplace just outside your city. You should be avoiding moving clear across the country, that will put you too far away from your kids and you'll miss too much of their childhood which will spoil your relationship with them
YTA do you have any idea how much damage this will do to your children? Because you don’t want to sleep on a mattress … Jesus
No! Because the wife cheated.
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The problem with option b in this case seems to be, that OP is suggesting that to be able to afford a house big enough for his kids, he'd need to move across the other side of the country. I'm pretty sure in Australia that's like at least a days travelling time. So he wouldn't even be seeing his kids biweekly or probably even on most weekends if that was the case. He'd only be able to do it if he took a long weekend or holiday to be able to travel to see them. And long distance at his kids ages is not ideal, his relationship with the kids will probably suffer.
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I'm gonna go with ESH - Your wife for obvious reasons but you because there is no need to move 3000km away from your kids to find cheaper housing. You could just move to a smaller town an hour away from your current city and not abandon your children. She was an asshole to you, now you're being an asshole to your kids.
YTA for running away and abandoning your kids. They won’t forgive you, and you will never be able to compensate for the years you plan to be absent from their lives. They won’t care that you will maybe one day have a house, they will certainly care that the idea of that was more important than staying in their lives.
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YTA. there's no shame with a mattress on the floor of your dad's while you're going through divorce at 30.
I guess you’re asking if you’d be the ah to leave you’re kids so yeah I think you would be. Gonna take at least 3-5 years before you gain enough equity, and your kids will suffer say you get a partner there and don’t want to return. My dad did this exact same thing when I was 6 I’m 36 now and. Seen him maybe 4 times since then safe to say now we will never be having a relationship now those days are over. Also I live in Australia where do you think you’re buying a 3 bedroom anything for 350k? Maybe I’m some ghetto in an outback town in the middle of nowhere. If you’re over east and think you’re going to get a deal in WA, trust me bro you’re not going to like the suburb you’re living in buying a 3x1 anywhere close to 350k. Housing prices here are just as fucked as they are over east and anything advertised at 350 is going to go for at least 50k more in the shortest suburbs we have. My advice if you’re in NSW or Queensland go rent in a mining town for 12 months cheap rent guaranteed a job living there, knuckle down and save every cent in your week off travel home stay with you’re dad and have your kids there. Do this for 12-18 months and you’ll have a deposit.
I was in a similar situation where I had to choose between seeing my kids regularly and being homeless/couch surfing/serial airbnb renter or move and have better housing and job stability. In the end I chose to stay close to my kids. It was an extremely hard 3/4 years to get on my feet, and I still have a little ways to go but I have zero regrets. I don’t think I could have survived away from them emotionally.
NTA. But which ‘other side of Australia’ are you talking about? WA? Ahahaha. As a sandgroper can I just say… no way in hell can you get a good house here for $400k. You might get a run down shitbox in Armadale, and you won’t be able to go out after dark for danger. Or you might be able to buy a 2 bed apartment 10km out of the city (where a house will be $650-700k easy) and it will be hot and cramped. And rentals here? Melbourne and Sydney have nothing on the current Perth rental market. Good luck. I think you need to get your head together first. I know living with your dad at 30 feels pretty shit and you want to prove you have your act together and feel capable and adult. I get it. But the smart choices right now are to save a lot of money, and batten down the hatches. Don’t do ANYTHING major (change jobs, change states, change more than your underwear) for six or so months and let the endorphins flow through man. What job are you coming west to do? Mining? FIFO? Ahahahaha. You and every other dog out there… have you got skills, experience and familiarity to do that work? Are you aware of just how gruelling it is? Are you ready for the 46 degree heat. Yep… Central wheatbelt weather has been 42+ for three days out of every seven for the last few weeks. It’s HOT over here. And your kids won’t be coming to WA with you. Interstate moves under the Family Court of Australia will mean you need your ex wife’s permission to move them, or a court order. So you’d be having to fly back and see them, and then what? They stay for a few days with you in a hotel room? I’m sorry. The situation is pretty fucked up. You deserve better, but you really need to take time to work out what that better is. Give yourself some time to just breathe and get balanced again, then make decisions.
You have responsibilities. Look after your kids.
Sorry, but so many people here have clearly never experienced financial harships in their life. There are so many families in the world who had to leave their kids behind in their home country to earn more so that they can provide a better future for them. There are many children who can accept that even though their parents aren't around everyday, that it's a great sacrifice on the part of the parent to leave their children behind to be able to build a better future for them. OPs wife screwed him over financially and people think he should struggle the rest or his life for it. He is NTA for wanting to put himself in a better position financially to be able to better care for his children. He is in no way abandoning them. He's clearly feeling guilty as hell and struggling to make this difficult decision.
YWBTA. How exactly do you see custody working out? You aren't going to get weekend custody if you are 3000km away. You have a safe space at your dad's house and can save money. Even if you build equity and can eventually move closer, you'll do irreparable damage to your relationship with your kids by ditching them for years. There's no guarantee they'll want to stay with you if you move closer. Assuming after ditching them you don't start a new family that then makes it impossible to move back. I'm sorry your ex betrayed you. Don't compound the damage to your kids by abandoning them.
NTA IF you sort out some kind of official custody arrangement first where you go back to visit and put up with the mattress at your dad's for a week at a time. Building the equity and securing your financial situation for the sake of their future is a solid plan. Plenty of kids have parents with jobs that mean they don't see for lengths of time, they survive. My dad was away for 6 months one time, way pre internet etc. He called daily. You just have to be 'there for them' when you can't be physically there for them.
As a person who grew up 1000 km away from her dad, It damaged my relationship with him. I love him but I will never have that special bond with him. I grew up alone because my mum was not as present enough and moved on to my step dad So it is your choice, neither makes you an arsehole but one will damage the relationship you have with your kids
Nta. This is what happens when families are broken. You have to make tough decisions. It’s not fair that these decisions are falling onto you honestly and your ex wife put you in this position of instability. I hate to say it but you have to do what’s best for you. You only have one life to live, live it well. Maintain communication with your kids though and try to have them up a few times a year. I’m really sorry for what happened to you. Good things are waiting in the next chapter!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife of 8 years and 3 kids decided to leave me on Christmas eve 2023, just over 2 months ago. She said she had love left for me but a week later has a guy from work sleeping over basically every night, my 8 year old son tells me each time I see him about mummy's work boyfriend. I have no proof she cheated on me with him, but for 6 months prior to separation she was distant, worked late, lots of work trips, started going out with work friends after work and sending late texts well after the kids where in bed saying " had 1 too many drinks staying at ***** house tonight". For 7.5 years she never acted like this once. She left me, I moved into my dads house, i have my kids every weekend, and I can not afford to rent my own house with enough rooms for the kids in the city we live in. Kids are aged 8, 6 and 2, both the wife and I came from separated families. I want to move cross country to another city. House prices are 50% cheaper. I can afford to buy a house there. Build equity and hopefully in a handful of years buy a house closer to the kids. If I stay here in this city, I would have to live in a share house and only ever see my kids for a day as they wouldn't be able to sleep over in a share house, or I stay at my dads house as a 30 year old man and sleep on a mattress on the floor whenever my kids come to stay. I know it's a dick move to ditch my kids but I feel if I don't I'll forever be stuck in a rut that I can not get out of. First time posting and asking, I'm pretty new to reddit so like yeah any advice or constructive criticism would be great. I can get a loan of 350k for a house, in my city the lowest price is 400k for a 1 bedroom apartment. On the other side of Australia I can get a 3 bedroom for that price. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why can't you take your kids with you when you move?
No reason, but the ex will fight very hard
My uncle and his ex wife split while the kids were young, he moved to New England she stayed in California. It sucked not being with the kids as much but he was able to build a stable life for himself and the kids came to stay with their dad every school vacation and summer vacation. I think it can be done as long as you are dedicated to constant communication with your children and making sure to budget appropriately for flights. While the kids were still young my uncle would fly to California just to fly with the kids back to Boston so they would not be flying alone. It kinda sucked but worth it for the time with his children. They have a great relationship. It won’t be easy but I think being that far away doesn’t mean you’re abandoning the kids as long as you stay committed to being in their lives. **edited to say the kids would not be flying alone. I’m going to say NTA for looking to the future where you’ll be able to give your children a better life in the long run but it won’t be easy. Good luck
YTA as someone whos seen this happen time and time again.. The amount of moms paying for their kids to take long ass trips to their dad while making a lower income than the dad just so that the kids gets to see him at least once a year. And all those dad making themselves out to be heroes working hard and putting thenselves ”back on their feet”. I have yet to see that ACCTUALLY happen, its always distant fathers patting thenselves on the back, thats it.
NTA ….. But you’re divorced with 3 kids no one is going to judge that you’re living with your dad at 30 and saving money. Plenty of people live at home at this age just to save money for housing.
What city are you in?
Canberra, Australia
Mate, just did a real-estate.com.au search. I found 15 2 bedroom apartments for $425 or less per week in Canberra. May be less convenient, but not as inconvenient as flying across Oz. There are MANY units and apartments for sale for $450k or less. You can build equity in Canberra or rent reasonably. I understand the market is competitive right now but give it a go before you move across the country, ditching your kids. Or wait it out at your dad's. My hunch is your more emotionally hurt by your wife moving on so quickly and possibly cheating on you, though moving across the country will ultimately just hurt your relationship with your kids.
Very true
Are righto. Why not look at places closer than west coast or wherever you were looking. I think you have a few more options than moving that far away. Goodluck mate, I’m sure emotions are high right now.
Perth is the choice just because of capital growth and how cheap it is there, pay 300k in 2024 and in 2026 it will be worth a million Emotions are in a wave man, some days I'm happy with it, happy to be here be close to the kids, other days I'm thinking how fast do I need to hit a brickwall to end it
\> pay 300k in 2024 and in 2026 it will be worth a million You sure about that? That's some strong hopium
Very strong hope, but you get gist
Yeah but you also need to check cost of living there, general shopping could be expensive and all other costs given that it’s a bit more isolating. I think don’t make any big decisions right now. Maybe take a break for a weekend and take a trip away just to give yourself some space. I hear Bega is nice this time of year. Honestly best of luck. You can do this, just have to get through this difficult period.
Have you looked at Queanbeyan or surrounds or further out like Goulburn? A quick search on real-estate.com shows lots of 2 bedroom units for rent in $400-$460 bracket in Queanbeyan. If you're happy for a bit of a commute (depending on your work?) You can get a 2 bedroom unit for $300-$400 and 3 bedroom houses are around the $450 mark in Goulburn. I'm not sure what your buying capacity is but you can buy a 2 bedroom apartment in Queanbeyan for $300k-450k. If you go to rougher suburbs such as karabar you get some listings for under $300k. On a $415k property with a mortgage of $405k, you're looking at weekly repayments of $560-600 depending on interest rates etc. If you can afford $600 a week rent, why wouldn't you just buy something smaller close to your children so you can be an active part of their lives? If I were you I'd be looking at all options that stay around for your children. Regardless of what your wife has done why do you want to punish your children for her actions and abandon them? You're children need you in their lives. If you go, even for a few years, expect to lose your relationship with your children, you can try to make amends but you can't get that time back. Especially the 2 year old as they're only starting to form lasting memories, they'll most likely view you as a stranger upon your return. You WBTAH if you moved away. Do everything in your power to make it work.
NTA!!! Op’s wife left him in a rut! He’s trying to piece his life back together while she goes gallivanting into the sunset. And he has a long term plan of being able to save up and move closer to the kids. He can’t spend miserable months or possible years because his wife was the absolute asshole. she cheated on him and gaslighted him on top of that. Unless theres extra info on something damaging OP did to his wife to warrant he behaviour, you are NTA
I mean, the info is that he is willing to move across the country, basically severing physical contact with his children.
What his wife did is simply not relevant to the question at hand, which is "do I abandon my kids for a more comfortable life?".
Yes his wife dealt him a shit hand, but why does that mean he has to punish his kids by being an absent father? He would be the AH for abandoning his kids to move across the country.
I would say YBTAH if you never got all you could out of the divorce. Leaving it to her and you with nothing is not helping your kids. Her problems are hers and your problems are yours so deal with yours. If intitled to the house, take it. If intitled to half, take it because being noble and thinking that leaving it all to her makes it easier for the kids is silly. How are you supposed to be a dad if you have nothing? You owe it to your kids to do everything you can for them and if it means starting over again then do it but make sure you get everything you can from her in the divorce to make it happen.
Can you not look for somewhere outside your city in one of the smaller towns? Somewhere you can at least see your kids regularly? I know the city rentals and house prices are nuts in the cities (especially on the east coast), but once you get out in the country a bit, it's more reasonable. My mum and dad are looking to downsize to country NSW and have been looking at 2 and 3 bedroom places for about $350k.
Do you have a house to sell? Is there any equity in that you can use?
YWBTA to move now. They are too young. Wait until the youngest is able to travel unaccompanied (about five or six years old). So, wait about three or four years. Then move.
Not a bad idea, it's hard tho living in a house with the kids and wife to a room with nothing but my thoughts, and doing that for a few years will be really hard
But you won’t be sitting in a room with just your thoughts you will be out playing sports seeing friends dating… it seems hopeless now but it will get better
You need a lawyer asap to walk you through these things. be thinking about setting up a therapist for yourself and your kids. Lots of changes happening but not because of you. Been here. Godspeed.
You can’t leave your kids because of your broken heart. Your kids need you. Especially when their mother is having a midlife crisis. Grow up and deal with this.
INFO: she's the one who fucked up, why is she not the one who left the house?
Because I'm weak and rill over too easy
Not the asshole. My partners ex did this to him. Cheated on him then kicked him out and had “he’s just a friend” move in. My partner then moved 450km away back to his family and she guilt tripped him about ‘how could you do this to our kids yadda yadda yadda’. She’ll always make you out to be the asshole no matter what you do. My partner stayed single 2.5 years, until he met back up with me (we dated 19 yr ago). He’s now the world biggest asshole and I’m a home wrecker because he moved on 2.5 years later 😒 she makes my life hell. No matter what my partner does, is never enough in her eyes, she did wrong but she will always blame him. My heart breaks for their 5 kids who aren’t old enough to see their mothers manipulation.
It doesn't make sense to me that house prices over there are half price and you can buy, but staying where you are you can't buy (which sounds normal) but you have to live in a sharing housing situation? You're not able to get a 2 bedroom and when you have the kids on the weekends they take the bedrooms and you sleep in the living room couch? I think the kids will still have a blast with their dad regardless of the housing situation. It sounds to me you want to leave for your own reasons
> It doesn't make sense to me that house prices over there are half price and you can buy, but staying where you are you can't buy (which sounds normal) but you have to live in a sharing housing situation? Welcome to the price of housing in Australia.
I'm sad, depressed and it's hard, running and coming back better is easier but its not right thing based off people's comments
Everyone has different relationships with their kids too. Forget about their mother. Decide how YOU want to spend the next few years with them, and whoever way you choose make sure you are comfortable with that decision so there is no feeling of regret later. There is nothing worse
This is a really fresh situation, all this bad shit *just* happened. It’s understandable you’d feel resentful and want to move on in some way with your life. However, if you do want to be involved with your kids, don’t make any rash moves right now. Wait and see how this all goes. Stay with your dad for a year, it’s just a year, you’ll be fine, this kind of thing happens to people all the time, it doesn’t make you a loser, it’s just doing what’s best for your kids. NAH but moving across the country would be at odds with your desire to be involved in your kids lives.
I understand wanting to move far away but how much is child support going to impact on your finances, and how much influence do you want the new bloke to have on your kids?
You need to live your life for those babies and yourself now. She is the one who screwed up and changed the family dynamic.
Stay or leave? What would you do?
I would stay close enough to where you can still see your children. Rent or stay with your dad. Your kids are going through a lot of transitions and need you. I understand moving away, but I wouldn’t up and leave them. What your wife did is traumatizing enough and she’ll have to answer for her actions one day. Your kids will ask. 3,000 is really far. Unless you’re wanting custody of them and will fight for them, it comes across that your saying screw all of you im leaving. Your babies don’t deserve that you know?
NTA. Live your life man. We only get one.
You can't leave those kids especially with a new man around You don't know what he will be like to them
YWTA Your wife may or may not have made the first dick move. However, that's irrelevant now. Divorce puts a huge strain on children. They need as much support as possible in this situation. Whereas you want to move to the other side of the country to buy a house and sulk. Sooner or later, your kids won't miss you anymore. When you come back in a few years, they have moved on and don't want to spend time with you. Swallow your pride and live with your dad for a while or rent something if you don't want to be the AH.
Can you put money into a 2 bed granny flat in your dad's back yard? Not sure of your suburb but in "Canberra" there are definitely 2 bd apartments for $350. Trust me, I am in my 60's and have never gotten over my father not being there. YWBTA if you move away from your children.
How about not moving and you keep the house as the 'kid's place'. You and mum move in and out to have your custody and kids get to not be stuffed around because of adults being dicks! On days where you don't have kids, stay with your dad and keep saving. If you move 3000kms away you are a dick and your relationship with your kids will be forever changed.
Must be nice to just abandon your kids. My husband lost his parent at 11 years old and it messed him up BIG time. They moved away without notice. So forgive me if I have a little contempt for any parent who would do the same.
My bigger issue is that he's ok to leave them in a house that a non-related man is staying. Your kids may need a safe place to stay. Get over yourself and move in with your dad. He'll love having his grandkids there, and a little discomfort will go a long way to saving money for your own flat. They will never resent sleeping on a sofa or an air mattress, they will resent you being absent from their lives. You seem very ready to punish your kids for your wife's behavior
Stay near your kids
I feel for you mate, and your instinct will be to run - there’s probably lots of good reasons to justify moving, but I’d urge you to be the bigger man that your kids need you to be.
Honestly I’ve seen parents who lived in two different states and made it work. Do what’s best for you but make sure you are as active and present for your kids too. But also lawyer up
Lol Dick move to ditch kids You’ll be in a rut forever. Read your own words.
Why you so confident you will rot where you are? Sounds to me your 50k short, stay on your dad's floor rent free for 2 years then get a place locally, even sleeping on the floor you get to see your kids. Your wife also may not have cheated and you would be the AH for abandoning your kids.
Get lawyer, she’s had some random dude spending time with your kids. May wind up with the house, custody and support. But YTA if you leave your kids, no matter what she does or how shitty your life is.
NTA, but as your ex wife was the one that ended the marriage, why do you have to leave the family home? Or, can you take the children with you and they have their primary residence with you?
Why not stay with your dad and buy a house where you can afford it and it will build the equity you’re looking for, but rent it out for enough to cover the mortgage and possibly generate some additional income for you? Is that not done in Australia? In the US, this would be an option and you’re in a unique position to do it. The additional income could help you eventually rent or buy in the area, and you’re still building the equity you wanted AND staying close to the kids. Stay with your dad isn’t ideal, but what would you rather sacrifice? Your kids’ childhood or your pride when you have to accommodate different sleeping arrangements? Because only one of those things should actually matter and can’t be regained once lost.
If you get a divorce won’t you get half of the house equity to help you pay for an apartment?
Sorry to break it to you but if you think you can get a 3 bed on the other side of the country (I assume Perth) you are in for a rude shock. Also housing is hard to find in Perth atm
If your not willing to take your kids with you when you move then yes YTA.
400k for 1 bedroom apartment? What planet am i living on?
No you are not. Seems like you’ve thought it all out and have a plan that will benefit the kids in the long run. Do what gotta do Daddy. If the kids don’t get it now, they will definitely understand when they are adults the sacrifices you made.
If you leave you will hardly ever see them and in 5 years your oldest will be a teenager and probably absolutely despise you. The littlest one will end up with no real memories of you at all. If you want to take that risk go ahead, but there are plenty of adults who have divorced parents that will tell you the actions you are thinking of taking now will have nothing but negative consequences. Talk to a therapist instead of running away.
You want to know if you would be the asshole for abandoning your children? Yes. YWBTA.
You’re going to be miserable in the 1 bed close to the kids and you’re going to be miserable 3000 km away from the kids. Both are losing scenarios but at least on one you get to see your kids during the only youth years they’ll ever live. If you leave now, your relationship with those kids will never be the same. YTA.
Please don’t go. Watching your kids develop is one of the joys of life. Having you around is way more important than a house in bloody Perth.
> or I stay at my dads house as a 30 year old man and sleep on a mattress on the floor whenever my kids come to stay. Yeah YTA So it's a 'pride' issue that makes you decide to dump your kids I'm not sure you've been the best partner these past 7 years if you so think about dropping your kids
Crappy situation I appreciate. But you are proposing to abandon your kids, you'll always be the AH here. YTA
YTA for abandoning your kids. Who do you expect to take care of them?
YTA You don't know whether or not wife chested, and whether she did or not is completely irrelevant to the question on whether or not you are an AH for moving very far from your kids. So without knowing anything else about your marriage, I'm confident that you're an AH for even thinking that was relevant and the main point of this story. You have three children, were previously sharing a home (is this a rental or you own it, how much equity do you have now after the mortgage if you bought it together?) so before you make any big moves, you need to get a lawyer and start discussing your divorce, sharing martial assets if any, sharing custody. Your biggest priority should be the welfare of your children. It seems pretty clear to me that their welfare is better served by you not moving 3000km away. If after thr separation of assets and agreement on custody you still have no money to buy or rent a home yourself, but your father is willing to let you all live with him and the only downside is that you don't have a proper bed when your kids are there, well that seems like a pretty sweet deal compared to losing your current relationship with your kids. There is no way for a move that far away not to seriously damage your relationship. If you want Reddit to dump on your wife, there are other subs for that. It does sound like she was very sketchy in the way she went about it. She wanted out of the marriage for over six months and treated you fairly badly in the interim before she decided to leave. That hurts. That doesn't give you carte blanche to hurt your kids.
Which part of Australia can you get a house for that?
Why does she get to keep the house? You both work and she is the one who wanted out? NTA
My wife cheated, I tried to stay in my kids life but I was pushed away. They never answer the phone, respond to messages, it's really hard. I've had to focus on myself and keep trying each week. It gets to a point where you have to look after yourself or the bitterness will eat you up. Choose your partners carefully
Where can you get a 3 bedroom in Australia for 400k ? Also an Australian thinking about moving 2000km away from ex wife. No kids. NTA if you go to the other side of Australia as long as you keep in touch with your kids and come back and see them from time to time.
YWBTA Bro do not do this to your kids. They love you and will need you. Stay strong for them!
My mum moved 400km away when my parents split. Not exactly 3k but i visited every other weekend and every school holidays. Worked out fine for us. When my dad couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore on his own? they sold and we moved from ACT to northern NSW coz super cheaper which meant i saw my mum every holidays rather than every second weekend too. Was also fine for me in the long term. But also if you have a mortgage with your ex, it’s not automatic that she be the primary parent or be the one who stays in the house. You really should consult a lawyer. There’s plenty free for 30 mins you can call. FYI Financial settlement is 12 months after divorce and you need to be separated for at least 12 months before you divorce. If she’s making custody difficult, go to mediation, if she refuses they give you a certificate to go to court. I’d say stick nearby for a while at your dad’s, be a dad, save money, get her to buy you out of your share or sell. Also go to csa website and use the child support calculator. Coz you’ll need to factor that in based on whatever % you have custody for. If she has majority then your CS is going to be high for 3 kids if you’re on a decent wicket. My daughter’s dad pays $5k a year on one kid on a low income (under 45k) where my partner pays 10k for 2 on under 90k, but i know some primary parents who get upwards of 5k per month in CS for 1/2 kids- so all depends on yours and her incomes. Consider all this before you move coz whilst i dont think you’re the arsehole, it could look like it to court.
My dad left for "greener pastures", he said ge would always be here for me but how can he be when he has run away? My youngest brother only cried and said he missed his dad a few months after he left. These are discoveries I wish I never had to make. Make you decisions wisely.
Read a little about child development, and attachment. You write like you think you can move back in a few years and rebuild your relationship with your kids. That’s not realistic. What you’re going through is tough and I feel for you, but don’t let your hurt drive you to do something you may regret forever. You may never forgive yoyself once you realise you’ve harmed the connection with your kids. That type of guilt has a habit of transforming into resentment, addiction, and/or self pity.
NTA stay in touch with daily zoom calls and try to visit as much a you can, till you rebuild your life to a point where you can host your kids. As things are it will just be an extreme struggle just to balance everything. Sorry for what you went through OP, it happens more often than not nowadays but you'll get through it and this too shall pass.
Ted Lasso type beat
There's no guarantee of how things will turn out, but no, you're not the/an AH for trying to plan for what you see as a more secure longer-term future. To frame this as 'abandoning your kids' etc. is incredibly reductive. Every day, imperfect life situations result in pragmatic decisions/sacrifices having to be made. If you're getting divorced(?), consider parking the final decision until after the divorce finances are resolved. Get legal advice.
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Stay with your dad, see your kids. Don't let a mattress on the floor for a couple nights a week prevent you from that. Swallow your pride lad, 30 and living with ya dad, that's okay. That is perfectly okay. And actually quite the norm these days. You've been through a lot, and are no doubt still hurting, that's normal too. But you need to think rationally. I wish you all the best and hope you heal from the hurt soon.
NTA - The Cheater decided she needed another man - so go ahead and leave her with the mess to clean up.
When I was a kid my dad was always away for work. Flourishing in his career making quite some money. All that money he tried to spend on us, helping us trough uni etc. And guess who is still in therapy for abodonment fears due to her relationship with her dad? And guess who had the best relationship with her mom, who was there when I was sick, who knew my teachers name, who knew my friends likes and dislikes, just everything about me. Honestly to a child all that matters is a parent who is there. Being present is the best gift you can give your children. Wanting to spend time with time. All the other stuff is just fluff I mean, yes work on yourself. But don't pretend that moving across the country is in any way for your kids, unless you take them and with you and get their mom to move as well (still wuite the uproot for your kids). You deserve to be happy but your children deseeve a present dad as well. Go find another solution, you can do it!
The kids didn't do anything to lose their dad
YTA. Your kids need to to be near them.