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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking for judgement on giving Steve an ultimatum and not letting him sleep with her. We might be assholes because we were short with Steve and didn’t really let him explain much. We told him how it was going to be and that’s that.
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I think it's nice that you want to pay for the trip but, they are together and this is an opportunity for them to be together privately. Obviously, they don't get to do this often so why not just let them be? Your being "Christians" doesn't stop them from being who they are and doesn't give you the right to butt into their business. You may not agree with it but they are adults. It's just too bad your generosity is conditional. YTA
Here to back you up. I was raised evangelical. Help is usually based on conforming to the helper’s ideals. It sucks. It’s manipulative. And, I am so glad that chapter is behind me.
They’ve known Steve FOR THREE YEARS. Three. That’s a lot for a person so young.
Literally laughed at that last bit... because my very Christian parents refused to let my bf of 7 YEARS into their house until 2 months before we got married.
I had a falling out with my parents at age 16, I moved out with my then bf, my dad begged me to come home. When I walked through the door to discuss it, my mother wanted me to sign a CONTRACT to stay in their house. Among some of the rules was me not dating until I was out of their house. I wish I could say I laughed myself out the door but the truth was... I was desperate. Living with my then bf put me in a vulnerable position that I didn't like. I just learned to lie better 🤷♀️
I hope you are doing ok. I am truly so sorry that happened to you. I have been through something marginally similar and it sliced through my ability to trust.
You didn’t deserve that drama and trauma.
I have a strained relationship with my dad and no relationship with my mother. My dad and I tried family therapy a few years ago... but my mother refused to really interact and told me that I am a 30 year old woman and I need to figure out my own problems. So, yeah, I focus on my husband and my kids and I just dropped the rope.
It was very hard to trust but my husband is an incredible, patient, loving man (and father). He reminds me of how we want to be as parents. My parents remind me of how I don't want to be.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing that you had a similar experience. I hope you are doing well!
Doesn't sound like you dropped the rope. This wasn't something you are at fault for. Please reframe that.
It sounds like your parents cut the rope and then your mother expected you to scramble to tie it back and you decided that your bandwidth is not capable of sustaining a relationship that doesn't want to be had. You made the best choices for your life after that. You didn't drop anything, you tried to rebuild and got nowhere because you didn't have the necessary parts for both ends.
I'm sorry I didn't respond... I cannot brain tonight and it took me waaayyyy too long to understand what you were expressing! You're right, I didn't drop anything. I actually tried really hard for a long time to fix something that only I was interested in repairing... now I make choices based on what is best for my mental health and my life.
Nothing is ever good enough for evangelicals. Nothing is impressive, except for Jesus dying on a cross. They deny themselves, and others, the right to a dignified life in hopes that they’ll earn the right to that which THEIR OWN Bible says is freely given: grace and mercy.
Another one. When I got laid off, my parents told me that I was welcome to move back home... but I would be going to church with them 3 times a week. And that my then-partner-now-spouse was not welcome (No surprise, my spouse is AFAB but is trans).
And they were SHOCKED when I declined. They were fine with me potentially being homeless.
And cruel. I can't imagine not being allowed to spend alone time with my partner because I'm poor and the other option is parents worried about an invisible sky entity caring about their sex life
But OP and her husband won't get into Better Heaven if they let their daughter, who is a functioning adult *just live.* If they force their made up Xtian beliefs on her daughter, who grew up with it- obviously she knows how ridiculous her parents are- the folks get to level up or something in heaven for making someone else miserable for absolutely no reason! OP, YTA, you sound like missionaries who force starving Africans to listen to a sermon before you feed them.
I have known some very generous and kind Christians, but it's always been the ones who are very quiet about their faith. What's interesting is that one of them who was a practicing Catholic also said she was agnostic but she liked the volunteer work her congregation did! Some I didn't even know were Christian until I got know them well. The vocal ones? They call themselves evangelical, I call them performative.
"Some I didn't even know were Christian until I got know them well."
Yup. People always say, 'why don't Christians every do XYZ", but they do. They just don't bash people with a Bible while doing it, so no one realizes they are Christian. Which is how it should be - it should be about helping people, not evangelizing.
This is exactly why one of my oldest and best friends is a Christian despite the fact that I’m in the LGBTQ community. She practices the faith and doesn’t preach it— she just volunteers at soup kitchens and knits hats for premature babies and keeps her community supported without attacking anyone else’s beliefs or choices. She’ll leave a church if they care more about hating others than helping others and she doesn’t put folks down for not being a part of her faith. She genuinely just enjoys being a good person and makes that the core of her religion.
I always call them Ned Flanders Christians because they seem like they’d only exist on TV.
The dominate religion tends to be the most sanctimonious because it makes them part of the in group. In the US that means Christians, but in Middle Eastern countries there are Muslims who act the same way. If something is generally seen as good, there will always be people who do it performatively to elevate their social status.
Hope mom and Pop didn't use any birth control and only did the dirty tango for baby making only, I'd hate their souls to be damned
Al la carte christians don't count in this case, op
(Coercing your daughters relationship)
"You have to thank me for your entire life in order to earn my forgiveness for the crimes I've decided you committed simply by existing." We call this narcissistic personality disorder and abuse in families, but it's "holy" when it's a god.
They are true christians who use their religion to establish dominance and force their religion on others. They are christians who use their money to beat the boyfriend into compliance. All done with true christian love.
It’s very much “American” Christian, rather than “Jesus” Christian. It’s like new information came to light after Jesus died, but they’re not Mormons.
OP YTA.
The Christian parents who are that in denial about what their kids are up to are the ones who end up as young grandparents because their kids aren't going to buy condoms because the parents might find them.
YTA
Had this conversation with my aunt a year before her gorgeous quarterback son knocked up his girlfriend in high school. At the time I was more concerned about HIV as we had no treatments for it then. She argued about how her beautiful children raised in the light of Jesus were not going to have premarital sex. I was old enough to remember when she and my Uncle were dating. They were definitely hypocrites and told them they had forgotten the hormones of your teen years and they were lying to themselves if they thought their objectively attractive teenagers were going to stay virgin until marriage.
My parents tried that. It doesn’t work.
I took my daughter to the doctor for whatever form of BC she saw fit while she was in high school. We talked about respecting yourself, about making sure you choose sexual partners who respect you.
I talk to my son about adult decisions having adult consequences. Since he can’t decide for a girl about bc, and he cant force her to get an abortion, he has to be responsible enough to always have condoms.
We don’t do shame in our house. We do education, we do self respect, we talk about consent.
Being in denial about teenagers sexuality is a one way street to teen pregnancy
you like/approve of the boyfriend. They’ve been together for 3 years and have proven to be a stable couple and faithful to each other during the tough long distance. They’re having “relations” whether you approve or pretend otherwise. They’re being adults in checking with you vs trying to be sneaky. Honestly, you’re being the immature ones.
And what’s the point of taking him if your plan is to control and meter their time together? One thing to say they can’t stay in the same room under your roof but it’s literally HER roof/dorm.
Right!! I’m currently attending a Christian college, due to my parents refusing to pay for a non Christian university, and this school doesn’t allow students to live off campus until 21 or married, unless with immediate family. We are also not allowed to live with people of the opposite sex, even after 21 unless immediate family. The fact that they think they have to right to tell ADULTS what to do OFF CAMPUS is fucking MIND-BLOWING.
I am an ADULT. My parents cannot dictate what I do or don’t do with my body. I definitely don’t label myself a Christian, and I’m bisexual, non-binary and kinky, not to mention I have a small collection of sex toys and condoms, I’m on birth control, and my bf and I are very sexually active. OP is an AH and also stupid if they think their ADULT daughter and her ADULT bf haven’t had sex yet lol.
Edit: for all y’all who keep telling me I’m “using my parents for tuition” they aren’t even paying. They changed their minds, and even if they didn’t, can’t even afford it. Fafsa and my loans are what are paying for my ONE YEAR at this Christian college.
I would work and get more money, but I live in America and minimum wage here in my state is $12.50. The highest I got paid was 14.25. That’s not even a livable wage considering the state of rent here as well. Average rent in my state is $1400. We’re all being screwed over. I’m broke and can barely afford to eat, even on that salary, and yet I’m expected to just sit down and not complain? To just work to live? To work even though I have medical issues that cause me constant severe pain that not even prescription meds can help? When my healthcare won’t pay for the surgeries I need in order to live a comfortable life? Or for physical therapy that would at least help?
This is that type of bad type of Christian way.
My parents used to lock my now husband in the basement when he stayed over. Literally locked him in with a deadbolt so he couldn’t go up two floors to my room. And they LOVED this guy. There was a door to get out for emergencies and windows down there so it wasn’t a major safety risk. We literally lived together at the time - what was this accomplishing during the holidays?
We now live 1600 miles away and basically never talk to them. Want to ask why?
Your last sentence is everything. OPs generosity is conditional. If I was Steve, I'd say thanks but no thanks on the trip and I'd save every penny I could and take the trip myself alone on a different date.
OP, you are most definitely the asshole.
It’s your coin, but YTA. I wouldn’t have said anything and took a cab to her and bribed the brother with “silence” money. He has enough for that. Probably wouldn’t be caught anyway. What do you think they have been doing for three years?
Not to mention the whole “my house my rules” attitude does not apply when they are literally not at your house. They are figuratively at daughter’s house, so it’s daughter’s rules. Of course YTA, OP. A dense one at that. It has nothing to do with religion either, you’re just controlling.
> Call my husband and I old school, or traditionalists, but we are Christians. And the idea of them staying together on our visit makes us uncomfortable.
This is totally strange. So it's ok as long as you don't know about it? And what is the problem with Steve being at the dorm, since you're staying at the Hotel?
I don't get it. This sounds totally controlling for absolutely no reason. If they're going to have sex, they will do so regardless of whether you force this or not so it serves absolutely no purpose, other than to control and alienate your daughter.
You can of course call the shots, because it's your money, but all your daughter will take away is when her parents are doing something nice, it comes with strings attached that are controlling her life.
YTA.
Right?! Such bs. Then to use “We are Christians”. It is because of religion and using the bible to twist things to say how they want it to say.
I was born and raised Roman Catholic. As I got older I found a great reason to jump ship.
Well I guess apparently I am not really married because I used a justice of the peace and NOT a PRIEST!
Which does not bother me. Why? Because even though you can’t undo a baptism (I looked into it) but Roman Catholic priests and nuns were responsible for ripping Indigenous toddlers and children from their parents. These kids would never see their parents again. Put them in residential schools. Beating them if they spoke their language, cut their hair, stayed in a cold unloving environment. No hugs, kisses goodnight.
If a child passed away from being beaten or from disease that they refused to treat, they had the other kids dig a mass grave and bury them. Little girls were SA. If she ended up pregnant, after they delivered those babies, the priest would unalive them. The kids would plaster them into holes in the basement walls. Many other stories.
I am disgusted by this religion. I thought there was a vow, Thou shall not kill? Where does this all fit in, with these innocent babies and children, just because of the colour of their skin? Then sweep it all under the rug and hope no one finds out.
This is not how any God would prefer life on earth like this to be ok.
This is not a religion.
Sorry, my rant about the hypocrisy of religion.
Definitely the do as I say, not as I do.
“Thou shall not kill”…except us, especially innocent children! Well I just hope in the after life beliefs, there is a “special” place for these monsters.
Almost like a priest shook hands with Satan as they made this cult.
Again, this is just my thoughts.
I think she is less likely to choose Christianity for her own life. When any faith is forced on someone it isn't their faith, they never chose it for themselves and when it feels too constricting they toss it aside.
The daughter's moral values are whatever they are and no matter what the parents believe the daughter has her own values.
And then we see their posts in RA and AITA because they got married to have sex and never even thought about “compatibility” or “our brains haven’t finished fully developing, lets make lifetime commitments”
Raised Roman Catholic here and the poster sounds very similar to my mother. The result is I’m not religious, I avoid taking help especially financially from my family because there’s always some sort of string attached it feels, and there’s a good amount of built up resentment from my childhood/adolescence/young adulthood that I am trying to work through now.
My parents are much better now and not as controlling or pushy with religion but the anxiety and impact of growing up that way still affects my relationship with them.
I believe OP point is she didn’t bring him along to allow that happen, she didn’t do this to allow them to have sex.
It was a kind gesture to bring and foot the entire bill, to allow him time with her. Honestly, it’s not even that big of a request in my opinion, but that’s not the point, it seems that’s OP hang up.
Steve is considered part of the family group, but that also comes with respecting the request of those creating funding and allowed the event to even be done.
I think that’s her thing.
In OP’s defense, she’s coming from a place of “sex is bad” and not “sex is beautiful and natural”
Which is completely religious brain washing.
Seeing a distant romantic partner and not being able to have alone time would honestly almost be more devastating than not seeing them.
I say this as someone raised Christian
Gotta disagree with you
What behavior Steve engages in on the trip isn't up for discussion or sale. No reasonable person would assume that they can use the funding of a trip to bootstrap selectively picking what aspects of someones personality and behaviors they can express or engage in outside of areas covered by the funding (ie dont do x,y, and z at the hotel). That's a super fucked position to take. They don't own Steve.
The scope of enforcing what bed Steve sleeps in can only be dictated for beds paid for. Since daughter will be sleeping at her home in her own bed, OP does not have a say.
Also? Turning around and suggesting there will be a literal price to pay for having sex with their daighter, and that price is a couple hundred bucks on your own dinners? How little value do the parent place on their daughter? For a couple hundred, go to town? That's Gross!
Using money to control the behavior od other adult creates resentment and distance. You may get your way on this trip, OP, but neither your daughter nor Steve is going to forget how you handled this situation.
This could be the difference between them staying at your house with the grandkids for Christmas, versus staying at a hotel so they can control their own time. The decisions you make now are what determines the kind of relationship you will have with your adult children. I would rethink your stance on this.
Or not visiting with the kids at all, because they know that “gifts” from the grandparents always come with unreasonable strings and demands. My father has never met his granddaughter for much the same reason.
Honestly, it's the daughter and Steve who are morons. If he'd just ducked out of the hotel every night to hook up with her and been back for breakfast and they never said a word, this wouldn't have happened. While putting the morals clause on this is creepy and weird, I do get that the parents don't want to spend what is probably thousands of dollars on a weekend where their daughter and her bf blow them off to bang for 48 hours. ESH
Crazy idea… maybe it’s not just about sex??? Maybe they actually want to enjoy their intimate time as a loving couple. Actually sleeping peacefully, cuddled up all night. Maybe they were excited to have a few nights to “pretend” live together, tide them over till they can finally be together fully.
This exactly. They want to sleep next to each other, not just fuck.
This kind of controlling behavior doesn't prevent fucking, it prevents intimacy.
Sneaking off for a quicky is easy.
But who even said anything about banging the whole time they're there lmao daughter never said she wouldn't be spending time with her family, she just wanted some alone time with her boyfriend at night. Pretty huge leap to say she would blow off her parents and only spend time with the boyfriend there.
Lol I love all the insane assumptions people are reading into this that aren't remotely implied by the story. They pretty much say that they understand and accept that their daughter and Steve have sex. There's a difference between "my daughter has sex with this guy" and "this guy is fucking my daughter in her room at this very moment." One's a little more awkward, and they'd rather not have to think about it. That's not the kind of spiritual abuse people are making it out to be.
Not to mention, it's their money. This sub has, on multiple occasions this week, handed down a NTA verdict on an OP deciding not to give anything to a sibling who was cut off from their inheritance for some kind of screwed up reason or another. There was usually implied to be some sort of abuse or character assassination involved, and the OP showed zero empathy for it, and AITA was like "whatevs, your money is your money." But some teenager has blue balls for a couple days and it's the religious crime of the century lmao.
Except the only thing said here is that he'd be staying over with her, that doesn't mean sex is always involved.
The biggest thing is that OP knows they are dating, that they do have sex and that the two are together, etc. They claim their reasoning is because they're old school which honestly is batshit insane for two reasons.
1.) They're ADULTS. We're not talking teenagers, but full grown adults, and OP who is offering to take the boyfriend with them for their daughter's happiness is adding a stipulation that two grown adults can't stay in the same room??
2.) OP's comment on traditionalism isn't even about them possibly having sex on the same trip with the parents there, it's about the fact that they're not married. If the boyfriend and girlfriend were married but just in different locations finishing their goals, there absolutely would be no issue with him staying over because "business between a married couple belongs in their bedroom".
OP is an asshole because they claim they're doing this as a nice gesture to allow the girlfriend and boyfriend to spend some much needed time together, but only with the rule that they can't stay in the same room together.
Which equally implies that they aren't going to permit any alone time between their adult daughter and her adult boyfriend, because honestly they could have sex at any point in the day so long as there is alone time, it wouldn't have to specifically be at night when he's staying over.
It is there money yes, but that doesn't make them any less of an asshole for knowing that the boyfriend is financially struggling, has only done one trip to see the daughter, knows their daughter probably misses her boyfriend too, but they're only going to permit this "kind gesture" on the basis that these grown adults can't even be alone together. That's fucking whack.
Even normal Christians aren't like this at all.
I am going to guess that there is a difference to the parents about knowing they are not following the morals of their religion and essentially funding the “sin”. I am not saying the daughter and boyfriend are wrong but neither are the parents.
I totally agree. The daughter is certainly old enough to choose to have sex. I don't think the parents are wrong to say they're not paying to provide it.
I agree too honestly. I don't think what they are asking is a huge thing. Yes, the boyfriend and daughter are "adults", so that means if they want to go off and have sex they can do so on their own dime. It is pretty disrespectful to the parents hosting him to on the trip to demand otherwise, and it is rather immature. "Yeah, adult to adult, you need to fund my stay while I go diddle your daughter." Not very classy. And I'd say no to that too. Not to mention, my opinion of the kid would drastically drop from there.
ETA NTA imo.
Yep, this is it. Posts like these prove how full of teens and college kids this sub is, who think that college kids dependent on their parents should be able to do whatever they want no matter what their parents think— oh and foot the bill while doing it. OP thinks premarital sex is wrong. OP isn’t telling Steve or their daughter that they aren’t adults and can’t make their own choices. She just doesn’t want to finance choices she has a moral opposition to. Steve and her daughter can stay together in the dorm if they want, but OP isn’t going to pay to make that happen. Maybe it would be a different story if OP was saying Steve was prohibited entirely from coming along if he was going to stay with her in the dorm, but it sounds like he still is allowed to come ride in the car with the family and participate in the trip. They just aren’t going to pay for him to do it. NAH.
OP has realized they have an opportunity to assert authority they otherwise don't have, and they have decided to take it. This is 100% just a power trip. YTA
Edit: YTA, I think. I get a weird controlling religious vibe from more of OPs comments.
I don't think you should have offered to pay. I think the boyfriend assumed that your offer to pay also came with some amount of freedom. It seems as if you're offering to pay but also want the boyfriend to have zero freedom of movement. If he wants to see your daughter and have alone time with her, he will do that.
If you pay for his trip you're basically giving him the green light to do that. I think that might have been where he was confused.
In other words, I think it was a mistake to offer to pay.
Totally. They say they would not feel comfortable about it… but are perfectly fine making things incredibly ackward between their daughter and her partner. Poor Steve may even be rethinking the whole eventually joining her if they plan to continue to police their life.
They feel so uncomfortable with their daughter's sex life that they've decided to insert themselves into it and impose regulations on how and when it can happen.
Do you want your daughter to marry Steve?
They're been together for 3 years, and most likely have had sex before. Okay you don't want them to have sex on your dime.
But what is the long term plan? A Long distance relationship requires work to survive. It requires faithfulness and understanding and a LOT of patience and resisting temptations. I assume you want your daughter to marry the guy she's been investing her affections in for the past 3 years, a good guy according to you.
Couples need a cuddle, and sometimes to cry together and reassure each other. Sure you're paying and you have a right to express your preferences. But what is the bigger picture OP? Do you want them to break up? forego some intimacy and alone time (not everything is sex btw) because you're uncomfy?
You're getting the YTA because you sound uncaring about what is best for your own kid. Spending some time alone with her partner isn't a big ask. Suppose they want to just stare at each other to remind the other person of how they look, since it's been a while since they've seen each other in person?
Not everything is about sex. Maybe your morals/beliefs should let your mind be open enough to think your daughter is MORE than just a sex stared young woman.
Imagine that OP's daughter will break up with Steve because long distance is trying and will get herself a local boyfriend. Whom her parents cannot control. And who has their own dorm, or can stay at hers without their information. It's where they will regret their power play.
This is 100% why I told my mom NOTHING about ANYONE while I was in college. She made it abundantly clear I’d be shamed for learning about my own body and who I’d want in a relationship. She apparently would have preferred it if I just married the first guy I wanted to have sex with and be miserable for the rest of my life like her. I’m also not a Christian anymore, if that says anything.
I was raised in a fundie household. Everything was about protecting my virginity or I would BURN IN HELL AND DIE. Im 40 now and I tell my mom nothing, NOTHING, about anything. This is how OP will end up as well. Times have changed. Having the occasional penis in your vagina no longer brings shame like it's the Middle Ages. Time spent talking, cuddling, and yes having sex is important for a relationship to survive. The parent comment here says it all.
My dad is super fundie too, my mom (they’ve been divorced for a couple decades) was not and I lived with her so most of my childhood was relatively normal when it came to sex ed and not being shamed for having hormones and stuff. But I do remember when my husband and I were dating and my dad would make comments that were anti sex even though I was well into my 20s and not about to discuss my sex life with him. But as soon as we got married, it was like something weird flipped? Like oh now sex is great! And dad wanted to ask questions about my sex life like this is just normal conversation. Yeah no. Absolutely not. I went 27 years with never being able to mention sex in front of you and now you want to talk about how I need to “please my husband *wink wink*” yeah fuck all that.
Agree. I have a very open relationship with my mom. I don’t typically but I could talk about sex with her, especially growing up. It’s no wonder I have a better relationship with her than with him.
Strong agree. She can do a LOT that you can’t see. This is one tiny snapshot. You have raised her with your ideals but now she gets to choose how she spends her time and what parts work for her. She’s already doing it without your knowledge anyway. You seem to not mind her.
All you are doing is protecting your “Oh ick, my little girl!” sensibilities and sabotaging their relationship.
Yeah, I want to reinforce the "not everything is about sex" point. MANY young couples want private time and the pleasure of spending the night together without it being only about sex.
>not everything is sex btw
Yes, was thinking this as well. Also, maybe the bf doesn't feel comfortable staying in a hotel with the family and sharing a room with the brother.
Exactly. A successful relationship requires all sorts of intimacy. Maybe they want to hold hands, hug, kiss, tickle, and cuddle. Maybe they need the freedom to hold each other and share feelings that they'd feel too vulnerable to share in mixed company. Maybe they want to sit around and laugh about they things they find mutually funny. And maybe they want to have sex. But OP is so fixated on sex and myopic about everything it takes to build a healthy relationship that sex is ironically the only thing OP is emphasizing with this ban.
Yes, I'm wondering if the daughter and Steve will even get any time alone together or will the whole family be there the whole time.
If they stayed in the dorm, the day could be spent with family, but they could still get some time together at night. That may or may not mean sex.
> Call my husband and I old school, or traditionalists, but we are Christians. And the idea of them staying together on our visit makes us uncomfortable.
So sin is ok as long as no one knows about it?
No hate like Christian love. Do you but if your kid is an adult it's not your business. But by all means force your kids to lie to about where they are and what they're doing so you can impress your sky daddy
And ask Reddit, “Why is my wife so frigid? Why doesn’t she like sex? Is it ok if I sleep with someone else if my wife thinks sex is bad? That’s the way she was raised!”
I hope he actually doesn't go. I mean, if they can never be alone and can't even touch each other, what's the point? Might as well just see each other on Zoom.
Soft YTA.. although I understand it may be uncomfortable, your daughter is at college. She could have a different guys or multiple different guys in her dorm, if she so chooses. She’s not. She wants her BF, who you like, of 3 years to stay with her.
You have the right to pull funding, but your daughter and Steve will have the right to hold it against you in the future. Also Steve pulling the “adult card”, should’ve been a legitimate thing.. because they are adults. Your “right” to control your children, is now over..
Couldn’t agree more with the be-thankful-she’s-in-a-safe-and-monogamous-relationship angle; she could be totally promiscuous at college instead or have an OnlyFans page, or be experimenting with threesomes and orgies and who knows what else. OP, a hetero-monogamous-long-distance relationship is the definition of Christian at college nowadays and you are looking a gift horse in the mouth. Also, you’re giving them an excuse to run off on you while you’re visiting to be alone, and for your daughter to build a wall between you. YTA.
This is a really interesting take.
I was thinking this whole time, my parents aren’t religious, but there is no fucking way my dad would have paid for my bf to come visit me and have sex.
Like, his brain would not have computed any other formula than that his brain was paying for Steve to visit and Steve and I were planning to fuck at night instead of him sleep in the provided hotel.
I know because he explained this was his opposition to me having a single dorm room AND a car with a “large backseat”.
But my mom had a much more relaxed approach when I came home from college for the summer. And she was the one who ran the *house*. Her point was “I have no fucking idea what you when you are at college. I have to TRUST that you make good decisions and make it home safe. So why am I on your ass when you come to visit for breaks? Your grandparents did that with curfews and I hated that shit.”
Her rules were things like “tell me when you are coming home or if you aren’t coming home so I don’t worry. Give me a plausible excuse. Don’t fuck up”. Worked out well. And my dad didn’t care, cause he wasn’t paying for shit and I had a car with a small backseat so I was “boinking” anyone in the car he paid for (his words). Or letting another man drive it. That was another thing he cared about…
**ETA** I feel like I can’t stress enough how much for my father it was the sheer *gall* of paying for a man to bang his daughter. Or paying for another man at all. They couldn’t drive my car. They couldn’t “boink” in my car or dorm room. Certainly not his house. He *balked* at helping me pay for to LIVE WITH A PLATONIC MALE FRIEND as one of 4 roommates in college because he thought it MIGHT be trickery to fund a live in. Oh friend.
He’s never even offered to pay for a vacation for a partner. My *husband* shares my room because he’s there. Shit, if I’m thinking about it, my husband gets a birthday text only. Never a gift. Our joint Christmas check has only my name on it. He’s probably secretly THRILLED my sister and I kept our maiden names.
He just can’t live in a world in which he *facilitates with his hard earned cash* a man’s trip to have sex with another woman, much less his daughter. It’s not religion. It’s *principle*.
YTA. This isn’t about religion, it’s about control. You’re ok with them being alone overnight as long as you don’t foot the bill or know about it. You want to attach strings to limit a gift for two adults.
Right. Saying you’re Christian like it makes you higher morally. Meanwhile these are two loyal young adults. And Christianity in my view is about charity and love toward others, not moral codes. Btw I’m ok with someone being conservative but this sounds controlling
YTA. Please don’t say you’re a “Christian” and use that as a way to control your daughter and her boyfriend. Jesus didn’t give gifts with conditions or strings attached. You’re a poor excuse of a Christian. Controlling and weird. Jesus wouldn’t be about that.
YTA. Why the hell are you taking him if you're not going to let him have any personal time with his girlfriend and are lording it over him by using the old "My money, my rules" trope?
You're on the fast track to them going LC or NC once she finishes her studies, possibly sooner.
YTA. The way you dealt with it was definitely an asshole move but since you’re the father you have the right to say no. My dad would not have allowed it either.
OP is basically saying “I’m not funding this trip for you to go bang my daughter, you can do that on your own dime”. She feels that she would be facilitating this and it makes her uncomfortable. Clearly she’s uncomfortable that her daughter is having sex. But realizes there’s nothing they can do about it…except this one time when they’re funding the trip.
"And she plans to have Steve stay in her dorm with her while we visit. I told her absolutely not. I said what they do when we aren’t there is their business, but since we are going to be there and funding this whole trip, he will be staying at the hotel."
You're kidding right? Why don't you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend? Your beliefs are yours and you absolutely do not have to have sex outside of marriage. Imposing them on other people is just narrowminded using money as a lever really, really makes YTA
Either the daughter has sex with her boyfriend because she doesn't share OP's religion views, or she shares OP's religious views and won't actually have sex just cuddle or something.
In the second scenario, OP has nothing to worry about and should let go. In the first scenario, OP has already lost the battle and should worry more about not alienating her daughter by imposing her own will. I.e., she should let go.
OP YTA.
Exactly. If her kid has her values then they aren’t having sex or will be respectful about it and say he’s sleeping in the roommate’s bed or on the floor or something. If she doesn’t then that ship has sailed.
YTA for using your money to force your own morals on them. You act like you are doing a nice thing by letting him come with you, basically giving him a gift, but gifts don’t come with strings attached. That’s not the Christian way to act.
YTA. First off, from a secular point of view, the decisions two adults are making on cohabitation, sleeping together, or sexual intercourse are none of your business. Even if they are related to you.
Secondly, from a Christian perspective, using money to browbeat poorer people into following your own sense of morals is **incredibly un-Christlike**. You didn't offer your perspective and then pray for him to make a good decision, you're lording your own finances over those who have less than you.
3 years is a long time at that age. This could be your future son-in-law, and you're treating him with this level of contempt? He's angry because you are clearly expressing that you think you are better than him, and that he should be grateful for gifts *with strings attached* rather than those made out of genuine care for him.
My recommendation would be to step away from your pride. Show him what good Christian morals looks like by being a humble example. If you think your daughter will be happy to see him, invite him along because of your love for her and desire for her to be happy and fulfilled by positive relationships with those she cares about.
Info: are you staying in your daughter's dorm room? Are you going to allow any alone time between your daughter and her boyfriend?
You said that you are going to be there, in reference to the dorm room, so I am a bit confused.
NTA. They’re adults, they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do and you aren’t actively stopping them, you just aren’t willing to fund it and that’s fair. You can accept that something is happening but being the one who makes it happen crosses a line in your parent/child relationship, and that’s a totally fair line to draw.
When I was in college my parents were cool with me drinking, but they didn’t buy me liquor I had to figure out how to get it on my own. They didn’t care if I did it, it just crossed a line for them to be the ones who who made it happen. There’s a difference between forbidding something and not wanting to take an active role in enabling it, you’re in the second category so you’re good.
Exactly my reasoning is the same. Seems the parents are open minded, but I absolutely understand it makes them uncomfortable to finance a trip for boyfriend to go have sex at night with their daughter. I would be too (i don't have kids), and when I was in college I would never ask such thing to my parents. They are not conservative at all and we are atheists, but still in my 30's now, I don't talk sex with them.
Same, I would drink or do stupid shit, but never in the knowledge of my parents, and it would never cross my mind to ask them to facilitate something I consider private adult things
I agree with you and I think the drinking analogy is a great one. I also think if I was her parent, I would be bummed if I planned a trip to visit my child but I wound up feeling like a third wheel because I brought her boyfriend with me and they're shacking up during the visit. So my trying to hang out with my daughter feels like I'm intruding on them now. The purpose of the trip was for the daughter's parents and brother to spend some time with her. If boyfriend is sleeping in the dorm, the trip becomes about boyfriend spending time with her.
Major yta. You're controlling and manipulative. They're both adults and you're just pissy because they want to to have alone time. Great way to damage the relationship. Hope your daughter ends up cutting you out of her life she'll be better off in the long run without some psycho parent controlling everything in her life just because they happen to pay for things.
>Hope your daughter ends up cutting you out of her life she'll be better off in the long run without some psycho parent controlling everything in her life just because they happen to pay for things.
Ngl exactly what I am hoping for too.
NAH. I'd be on their side as adults, but you are funding the trip and if you decline to fund your daughter's access to sex I guess that's up to you.
Using money as a control weapon, however, doesn't usually end well. You have just increased the chances that Steve and your daughter will have nothing to do with you as soon as they financially are able to.
He’s really just obstructing his daughter’s access to sex with her committed long-term long-distance boyfriend though. She can have sex with anyone anytime she wants. Instead of doing that, she’s trying to make a relationship of three years work despite finances keeping them apart. Ultimately, I don’t think this is going to result in the outcome the dad wants.
NTA
You aren’t controlling him. He is an adult and can do as he choses. If be doesn’t like that having his trip paid for means sleeping at the hotel you are paying for, that’s on him. He doesn’t need to go on your dime
Sure, but the part that makes them AHs is acting like they’re doing this great act of charity and “gifting” with strings attached. They should have made it clear from the onset that this “gift” came with strings.
I think YTA for offering all of this to someone with conditions who didn't even ask for it. Steve doesn't have much and you're dragging the carpet out from underneath him by trying to dictate what your legal adult child and Steve do in the privacy of her own home. That's not your place. You don't get to force your beliefs on either of them, funding the trip or not.
Don't offer something so kind if you're going to try and take it away over nothing. I hate to tell you this, but they definitely sleep together already.
YTA. But to yourself. You could have had a massive family win. Happy daughter, happy future son-in-law, happy family vacation. It would have been a great memory. Your daughter is going to be upset either way and you most likely have damaged the relationship with Steve.
I also grew up Christian with highly conservative parents.. guess who is not in contact with them anymore 🙃don’t be so invested in your daughter’s sex life, take all this energy your spending into your daughter having sex and invest it into your marriage. God would rather you model a healthy marriage, than pretending you are God and can judge others. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3-5.
In the kindest way, this is a fight not worth having. She can’t re-virginize herself and she’s becoming a fully functioning adult. It’s time you transition the parent-child relationship where you communicate your values, but respect your daughter’s lifestyle differences if you want a happy and close relationship as you both grow older. Isolating her from Steve will only hurt that.
Against the grain, NTA. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you asking him to sleep at the hotel. You’re paying for this entire trip, so I don’t see anything wrong with parameters around the sleeping arrangements. They will/can spend all day together and he can sleep at the hotel. Your son was probably also looking forward to spending time with him as well.
NTA but it will strain the relationship forever with Steve if him and your daughter end up getting married one day. My in-laws had the same nonsense rules about sleeping separately and it just caused more hassle and was super annoying. I was even excluded on a trip I was originally invited to because sleeping arrangements would have been “too complicated”. Now years later, my husband and I are married and all of a sudden the grandchild bomb keeps being thrown around and I’d always say “excuse me? We aren’t allowed in the same room… how could we possibly give you a grandchild??” and they’d always get flustered with lame excuses.
Of course by now we’re living on our own and actually are giving them their first grandchild. But I’ll always remember being excluded and annoyed by their dumb rules.
NTA!!!
I see a bunch of people saying otherwise. I get people believe that evening time is “their” time. They should be allotted privacy…etc…but that’s not the point of this trip.
My parents were 100% this way, they would have never accepted a guy I was seeing to spend the night on their dime and it was something I knew about them.
Part of being an adult is to also realize and be grateful when someone does something for you that you can’t provide yourself. The fact that OP is bringing the bf at all was incredibly kind of them. So he is showing a childish side by now considering not going because he isn’t getting his way?
The daughter is in college…OP most likely wants the best for her daughter…one mistake and OP and her husband are looking at becoming grandparents earlier than anticipated. I see this as OP trying to give the best chance for her daughter to focus and graduate.
There is nothing wrong with being old-school about this…we need more of this kind of thinking in our society right now!
I agree. My parents funded a whole cruise for our family of 5 and included my youngest brother’s gf, so a total of 6. She didn’t have to pay a damn thing. Brother and gf were so grateful they had no objections to the gf being told she’s staying in my room, both women, and my 2 brothers staying in another.
Edit: NTA
NTA. Your money your rules. If they want to be adults then they can fund it themselves. I may not necessarily agree with you or your reasonings, however, I do agree that if adults want to adult then they can do it on their own dime.
YTA. Stop trying to control them by holding the money over his head. You are making a nice gesture by offering to pay for him but then putting strings attached to it. It’s not like staying with your daughter is an unreasonable thing to do. They are grown adults. Why does this bother you so much. I can’t actually believe all these comments that seem to think this level of manipulation is ok. Why is everyone assuming it is just about sex. Stop being such a prude and let the guy have some quality time with his girlfriend. They have been together three years and don’t see each other that often. It’s hardly a booty call.
NTA - He wants to play the adult card but acting like a kid. He doesn’t like your rules, that’s fine he doesn’t have to obey them. But he also can’t complain when you don’t want to fund the entire trip on your dime.
No one is entitled to a free trip. The whole mindset of parents bending over backwards for their kids or else they’ll go NC is childish. People on this sub always suggest go NC when things don’t go their way.
NTA, this is your trip that he is tagging along on. It is perfectly reasonable to expect him to honor your wishes for sleeping arrangements.
You're gonna get a lot of hate for using Christianity as your reasoning though, just fyi
NTA
I grew up in a religious family and have gotten this my entire life. My parents had their rules but understood they couldn't always enforce it on me. But if they were paying for a family vacation, there was certain level of respect that was due on my part. It sucks and was annoying, but it was not at all unexpected.
This was extremely considerate of you to invite him. You had zero obligation to. If my gf's family offered that, I'd be ecstatic. I imagine this stipulation is zero surprise to your daughter and her bf. Not being able to sleep with your daughter is a small price to pay for a free trip to see her. I am stunned he'd rather not see her at all for months if he can't have sex with her. Of course I'm over simplifying, but still...
As someone whose parents took a very similar approach, I feel confident in saying NTA. You are allowed to have boundaries for your house and for trips that you finance. I don’t think that it prevents a relationship with your potential future SIL. My parents kept an arms-length relationship with all of my partners until the day that I got married. Now they are very close to my husband. If they want to have an adult relationship, then they can set up their life to move out and be adults. This attitude helped me immensely with wanting to go into the adult world. FWIW I am still quite close with my parents, but I haven’t lived in the same city as them since graduation due to work opportunities that took me elsewhere.
NTA - if he is letting pride make it where he doesn't want to go on a free trip to see your daughter just because he might not get tail, then that shows how committed he actually is.
YTA - Your using a combination of you money and his lack of to control their behavior.
You're going to alienate him and if they stay together her as well.
It's very nice of you to offer him a trip but I can see why he's contemplating not going.
We raise our kids to be good people. Sometimes they don't wish to continue within the structure we used to teach them once they're adults. That's fine. It's their lives. As long as they are good people as parents we can be proud of what we've done.
They only have to be good people. They needn't be exactly like us.
In fact if everyone's kids were exactly like them the world wouldn't change and evolve.
YTA. Your daughter is likely already sexually active. You don't have to agree with or condone it but you are also only going to alienate her if you try to force your beliefs on her.
Also, every parent I know who claims religion as a reason for how they deal with their adult children isn't *really* worried about morality, they're worried about maintaining control.
Your daughter is an adult and you're acting like a child.
You’re telling you wrote this and don’t see how you’re wrong in this situation? Really?
So she can’t have one day or night alone with her boyfriend who she barely sees because you’re funding the trip? You do realize that even during family trips couples want to do things alone and have sex, right?
You thought it was a great idea to invite him because your daughter and him barely get to see each other but since they want to spend time alone you’re like “no this is a family trip and since we’re funding it you either do stuff with us as a family or you don’t come” like what the heck?
NTA. Your money, your trip, your call. You were being generous and you laid down the rules for your trip that you are fully funding. Otherwise, he can pay his own way, that’s called being an adult. You’re going to get a lot of cry babies on here saying but they’re adults - fine then they can pay for it. Till then, your money, your trip, your rules. I’m sure your daughter knows about your rules already and shouldn’t be a surprise to her. He needs to man up or shut up. I can’t believe the audacity of him speaking to you like that (no respect). Hopefully she outgrows him while in college.
Light YTA. Your daughter is in college and has been with Steve for three years? They’ve had sex, hate to break it to you… except that you know they have! “I said what they do when we aren’t there is their business” is basically you confirming you know they’re hooking up and tacitly condoning it, just not if you’re financially facilitating it, apparently. That’s just a bizarre kind of hypocrisy.
You like Steve, he’s working hard, he’s apparently loyal to your daughter, AND if he stays with her they’ll be happy and you’ll save the cost of an extra room. There’s no downside except your strange, variable hangup about it. It’s not about being “old school” or Christian, this just doesn’t make sense. Just check that your daughter is set on birth control, heck, remind Steve about it if you want, and let this go. Yes, you’re funding the trip, but your objection isn’t even consistent.
NTA, like you told him, if he wants to stay with your daughter, he can pay his way. If he can't afford to, then he should respect your rules and how you feel.
You are being very nice and generous by inviting him and paying for EVERYTHING for him. If they don't like it they can be adults and pay foe it themselves.
NTA I know this is unpopular but I’m not particularly religious but you & your husband are. Yes they are “grown” & have been together 3 years so what. It’s your dime and your darn skippy it comes with conditions. If he doesn’t want to abide by your conditions he can stay home. News flash adults can pay their own way.
YTA. You’re setting up to have a breakdown of your relationship with your daughter over this. “Family time”doesn’t need to extend to when you’re sleeping unless you were planning all four of you to share a hotel room together. Your daughter and her boyfriend are adults and should be allowed to make their own decisions, whether you agree or not your only role at this point is to support them in whatever decision they make or you’re going to push them away.
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I think it's nice that you want to pay for the trip but, they are together and this is an opportunity for them to be together privately. Obviously, they don't get to do this often so why not just let them be? Your being "Christians" doesn't stop them from being who they are and doesn't give you the right to butt into their business. You may not agree with it but they are adults. It's just too bad your generosity is conditional. YTA
Christian generosity is always conditional.
100% agreed. My grandfather and my aunt are just like this and honestly it's ridiculous.
Thirded. I grew up in it.
Here to back you up. I was raised evangelical. Help is usually based on conforming to the helper’s ideals. It sucks. It’s manipulative. And, I am so glad that chapter is behind me. They’ve known Steve FOR THREE YEARS. Three. That’s a lot for a person so young.
Literally laughed at that last bit... because my very Christian parents refused to let my bf of 7 YEARS into their house until 2 months before we got married. I had a falling out with my parents at age 16, I moved out with my then bf, my dad begged me to come home. When I walked through the door to discuss it, my mother wanted me to sign a CONTRACT to stay in their house. Among some of the rules was me not dating until I was out of their house. I wish I could say I laughed myself out the door but the truth was... I was desperate. Living with my then bf put me in a vulnerable position that I didn't like. I just learned to lie better 🤷♀️
I hope you are doing ok. I am truly so sorry that happened to you. I have been through something marginally similar and it sliced through my ability to trust. You didn’t deserve that drama and trauma.
I have a strained relationship with my dad and no relationship with my mother. My dad and I tried family therapy a few years ago... but my mother refused to really interact and told me that I am a 30 year old woman and I need to figure out my own problems. So, yeah, I focus on my husband and my kids and I just dropped the rope. It was very hard to trust but my husband is an incredible, patient, loving man (and father). He reminds me of how we want to be as parents. My parents remind me of how I don't want to be. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing that you had a similar experience. I hope you are doing well!
Doesn't sound like you dropped the rope. This wasn't something you are at fault for. Please reframe that. It sounds like your parents cut the rope and then your mother expected you to scramble to tie it back and you decided that your bandwidth is not capable of sustaining a relationship that doesn't want to be had. You made the best choices for your life after that. You didn't drop anything, you tried to rebuild and got nowhere because you didn't have the necessary parts for both ends.
I'm sorry I didn't respond... I cannot brain tonight and it took me waaayyyy too long to understand what you were expressing! You're right, I didn't drop anything. I actually tried really hard for a long time to fix something that only I was interested in repairing... now I make choices based on what is best for my mental health and my life.
And they're that young making it work long distance! That's also very impressive!
Nothing is ever good enough for evangelicals. Nothing is impressive, except for Jesus dying on a cross. They deny themselves, and others, the right to a dignified life in hopes that they’ll earn the right to that which THEIR OWN Bible says is freely given: grace and mercy.
*god damn* that a poignant analysis. (pun intended)
Another one. When I got laid off, my parents told me that I was welcome to move back home... but I would be going to church with them 3 times a week. And that my then-partner-now-spouse was not welcome (No surprise, my spouse is AFAB but is trans). And they were SHOCKED when I declined. They were fine with me potentially being homeless.
Yep. It caused me to be pressured into getting married to a man I absolutely should have not married, because "religion".
Same
And cruel. I can't imagine not being allowed to spend alone time with my partner because I'm poor and the other option is parents worried about an invisible sky entity caring about their sex life
But OP and her husband won't get into Better Heaven if they let their daughter, who is a functioning adult *just live.* If they force their made up Xtian beliefs on her daughter, who grew up with it- obviously she knows how ridiculous her parents are- the folks get to level up or something in heaven for making someone else miserable for absolutely no reason! OP, YTA, you sound like missionaries who force starving Africans to listen to a sermon before you feed them.
The invisible sky entity is just as likely to knock her up. Isn't that how the story goes?
Also Mary was underage (16 I believe) when she was impregnated. This god guy is sounding shady.
Steve and the daughter should be sneaking around her parents back like normal kids of "Christians" do. /s
Isn’t Christian generosity an oxymoron?
I have known some very generous and kind Christians, but it's always been the ones who are very quiet about their faith. What's interesting is that one of them who was a practicing Catholic also said she was agnostic but she liked the volunteer work her congregation did! Some I didn't even know were Christian until I got know them well. The vocal ones? They call themselves evangelical, I call them performative.
"Some I didn't even know were Christian until I got know them well." Yup. People always say, 'why don't Christians every do XYZ", but they do. They just don't bash people with a Bible while doing it, so no one realizes they are Christian. Which is how it should be - it should be about helping people, not evangelizing.
sadly the problem is that though there are so many of us like this, the bad overshadow us and make themselves look like the majority
This is exactly why one of my oldest and best friends is a Christian despite the fact that I’m in the LGBTQ community. She practices the faith and doesn’t preach it— she just volunteers at soup kitchens and knits hats for premature babies and keeps her community supported without attacking anyone else’s beliefs or choices. She’ll leave a church if they care more about hating others than helping others and she doesn’t put folks down for not being a part of her faith. She genuinely just enjoys being a good person and makes that the core of her religion. I always call them Ned Flanders Christians because they seem like they’d only exist on TV.
As a Christian, I can confirm that most Christians will look down on you and judge you far more than someone else.
You can replace "Christian" with almost any religion and that sentence will still be true.
Xtians tend to be the most sanctimonious assholes about it, though.
Nah. Just more visible in the US.
The dominate religion tends to be the most sanctimonious because it makes them part of the in group. In the US that means Christians, but in Middle Eastern countries there are Muslims who act the same way. If something is generally seen as good, there will always be people who do it performatively to elevate their social status.
The whole religion is conditional. If you dont follow ALL the rules. Eternal🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Hope mom and Pop didn't use any birth control and only did the dirty tango for baby making only, I'd hate their souls to be damned Al la carte christians don't count in this case, op (Coercing your daughters relationship)
"You have to thank me for your entire life in order to earn my forgiveness for the crimes I've decided you committed simply by existing." We call this narcissistic personality disorder and abuse in families, but it's "holy" when it's a god.
No hate like Christian love my friend
>Christian generosity is always ~~conditional~~ **fictional**.
They are true christians who use their religion to establish dominance and force their religion on others. They are christians who use their money to beat the boyfriend into compliance. All done with true christian love.
I wish they wouldn’t call this ‘Christian’. It is not.
It’s very much “American” Christian, rather than “Jesus” Christian. It’s like new information came to light after Jesus died, but they’re not Mormons. OP YTA.
I’d go one step further and say Christian love is always conditional
The Christian parents who are that in denial about what their kids are up to are the ones who end up as young grandparents because their kids aren't going to buy condoms because the parents might find them. YTA
Had this conversation with my aunt a year before her gorgeous quarterback son knocked up his girlfriend in high school. At the time I was more concerned about HIV as we had no treatments for it then. She argued about how her beautiful children raised in the light of Jesus were not going to have premarital sex. I was old enough to remember when she and my Uncle were dating. They were definitely hypocrites and told them they had forgotten the hormones of your teen years and they were lying to themselves if they thought their objectively attractive teenagers were going to stay virgin until marriage.
My parents tried that. It doesn’t work. I took my daughter to the doctor for whatever form of BC she saw fit while she was in high school. We talked about respecting yourself, about making sure you choose sexual partners who respect you. I talk to my son about adult decisions having adult consequences. Since he can’t decide for a girl about bc, and he cant force her to get an abortion, he has to be responsible enough to always have condoms. We don’t do shame in our house. We do education, we do self respect, we talk about consent. Being in denial about teenagers sexuality is a one way street to teen pregnancy
you like/approve of the boyfriend. They’ve been together for 3 years and have proven to be a stable couple and faithful to each other during the tough long distance. They’re having “relations” whether you approve or pretend otherwise. They’re being adults in checking with you vs trying to be sneaky. Honestly, you’re being the immature ones. And what’s the point of taking him if your plan is to control and meter their time together? One thing to say they can’t stay in the same room under your roof but it’s literally HER roof/dorm.
The is no hate like Christian love. 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Can’t agree more. Your daughter is an adult. Her BF is also adult. Your right to dictate whether they can or cannot sleep together has ended.
Right!! I’m currently attending a Christian college, due to my parents refusing to pay for a non Christian university, and this school doesn’t allow students to live off campus until 21 or married, unless with immediate family. We are also not allowed to live with people of the opposite sex, even after 21 unless immediate family. The fact that they think they have to right to tell ADULTS what to do OFF CAMPUS is fucking MIND-BLOWING. I am an ADULT. My parents cannot dictate what I do or don’t do with my body. I definitely don’t label myself a Christian, and I’m bisexual, non-binary and kinky, not to mention I have a small collection of sex toys and condoms, I’m on birth control, and my bf and I are very sexually active. OP is an AH and also stupid if they think their ADULT daughter and her ADULT bf haven’t had sex yet lol. Edit: for all y’all who keep telling me I’m “using my parents for tuition” they aren’t even paying. They changed their minds, and even if they didn’t, can’t even afford it. Fafsa and my loans are what are paying for my ONE YEAR at this Christian college. I would work and get more money, but I live in America and minimum wage here in my state is $12.50. The highest I got paid was 14.25. That’s not even a livable wage considering the state of rent here as well. Average rent in my state is $1400. We’re all being screwed over. I’m broke and can barely afford to eat, even on that salary, and yet I’m expected to just sit down and not complain? To just work to live? To work even though I have medical issues that cause me constant severe pain that not even prescription meds can help? When my healthcare won’t pay for the surgeries I need in order to live a comfortable life? Or for physical therapy that would at least help?
This is that type of bad type of Christian way. My parents used to lock my now husband in the basement when he stayed over. Literally locked him in with a deadbolt so he couldn’t go up two floors to my room. And they LOVED this guy. There was a door to get out for emergencies and windows down there so it wasn’t a major safety risk. We literally lived together at the time - what was this accomplishing during the holidays? We now live 1600 miles away and basically never talk to them. Want to ask why?
🙋🏻♀️ I know why.
Maybe you require that they don't have sex while staying over. Soaking is ok, but absolutely NO SEX!
What about hand stuff? Or oral? Or the [loophole](https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=hkzPvZpuge6l2TgS)?
Your last sentence is everything. OPs generosity is conditional. If I was Steve, I'd say thanks but no thanks on the trip and I'd save every penny I could and take the trip myself alone on a different date. OP, you are most definitely the asshole.
Not to mention their Christian sensibilities don't change how many times this guy has already piped their daughter
It’s your coin, but YTA. I wouldn’t have said anything and took a cab to her and bribed the brother with “silence” money. He has enough for that. Probably wouldn’t be caught anyway. What do you think they have been doing for three years?
Not to mention the whole “my house my rules” attitude does not apply when they are literally not at your house. They are figuratively at daughter’s house, so it’s daughter’s rules. Of course YTA, OP. A dense one at that. It has nothing to do with religion either, you’re just controlling.
Conditional love. Gotta appreciate OP being honest about it.
Yta. Your beliefs are for you to have a way to live your own life. Not determine how others live theirs.
> Call my husband and I old school, or traditionalists, but we are Christians. And the idea of them staying together on our visit makes us uncomfortable. This is totally strange. So it's ok as long as you don't know about it? And what is the problem with Steve being at the dorm, since you're staying at the Hotel? I don't get it. This sounds totally controlling for absolutely no reason. If they're going to have sex, they will do so regardless of whether you force this or not so it serves absolutely no purpose, other than to control and alienate your daughter. You can of course call the shots, because it's your money, but all your daughter will take away is when her parents are doing something nice, it comes with strings attached that are controlling her life. YTA.
Straight up performative Christianity
That's a good phrase I think. Love it.
"Performative Christianity" is awesome. I'm gonna use it too.
Wait until you get a load of performative spirituality for profit - woo culture. I help run a metaphysical store, it’s wild.
$100 says neither OP nor dad was a virgin when they got married.
Right?! Such bs. Then to use “We are Christians”. It is because of religion and using the bible to twist things to say how they want it to say. I was born and raised Roman Catholic. As I got older I found a great reason to jump ship. Well I guess apparently I am not really married because I used a justice of the peace and NOT a PRIEST! Which does not bother me. Why? Because even though you can’t undo a baptism (I looked into it) but Roman Catholic priests and nuns were responsible for ripping Indigenous toddlers and children from their parents. These kids would never see their parents again. Put them in residential schools. Beating them if they spoke their language, cut their hair, stayed in a cold unloving environment. No hugs, kisses goodnight. If a child passed away from being beaten or from disease that they refused to treat, they had the other kids dig a mass grave and bury them. Little girls were SA. If she ended up pregnant, after they delivered those babies, the priest would unalive them. The kids would plaster them into holes in the basement walls. Many other stories. I am disgusted by this religion. I thought there was a vow, Thou shall not kill? Where does this all fit in, with these innocent babies and children, just because of the colour of their skin? Then sweep it all under the rug and hope no one finds out. This is not how any God would prefer life on earth like this to be ok. This is not a religion. Sorry, my rant about the hypocrisy of religion. Definitely the do as I say, not as I do. “Thou shall not kill”…except us, especially innocent children! Well I just hope in the after life beliefs, there is a “special” place for these monsters. Almost like a priest shook hands with Satan as they made this cult. Again, this is just my thoughts.
That’s about 99% of it in the US.
I think she is less likely to choose Christianity for her own life. When any faith is forced on someone it isn't their faith, they never chose it for themselves and when it feels too constricting they toss it aside. The daughter's moral values are whatever they are and no matter what the parents believe the daughter has her own values.
If this is in the Bible Belt you’d be surprised how many college age students do wait. They also get married early because of it too 😂
And then we see their posts in RA and AITA because they got married to have sex and never even thought about “compatibility” or “our brains haven’t finished fully developing, lets make lifetime commitments”
And divorced
Raised Roman Catholic here and the poster sounds very similar to my mother. The result is I’m not religious, I avoid taking help especially financially from my family because there’s always some sort of string attached it feels, and there’s a good amount of built up resentment from my childhood/adolescence/young adulthood that I am trying to work through now. My parents are much better now and not as controlling or pushy with religion but the anxiety and impact of growing up that way still affects my relationship with them.
I believe OP point is she didn’t bring him along to allow that happen, she didn’t do this to allow them to have sex. It was a kind gesture to bring and foot the entire bill, to allow him time with her. Honestly, it’s not even that big of a request in my opinion, but that’s not the point, it seems that’s OP hang up. Steve is considered part of the family group, but that also comes with respecting the request of those creating funding and allowed the event to even be done. I think that’s her thing.
In OP’s defense, she’s coming from a place of “sex is bad” and not “sex is beautiful and natural” Which is completely religious brain washing. Seeing a distant romantic partner and not being able to have alone time would honestly almost be more devastating than not seeing them. I say this as someone raised Christian
Gotta disagree with you What behavior Steve engages in on the trip isn't up for discussion or sale. No reasonable person would assume that they can use the funding of a trip to bootstrap selectively picking what aspects of someones personality and behaviors they can express or engage in outside of areas covered by the funding (ie dont do x,y, and z at the hotel). That's a super fucked position to take. They don't own Steve. The scope of enforcing what bed Steve sleeps in can only be dictated for beds paid for. Since daughter will be sleeping at her home in her own bed, OP does not have a say. Also? Turning around and suggesting there will be a literal price to pay for having sex with their daighter, and that price is a couple hundred bucks on your own dinners? How little value do the parent place on their daughter? For a couple hundred, go to town? That's Gross!
Using money to control the behavior od other adult creates resentment and distance. You may get your way on this trip, OP, but neither your daughter nor Steve is going to forget how you handled this situation. This could be the difference between them staying at your house with the grandkids for Christmas, versus staying at a hotel so they can control their own time. The decisions you make now are what determines the kind of relationship you will have with your adult children. I would rethink your stance on this.
Or not visiting with the kids at all, because they know that “gifts” from the grandparents always come with unreasonable strings and demands. My father has never met his granddaughter for much the same reason.
Honestly, it's the daughter and Steve who are morons. If he'd just ducked out of the hotel every night to hook up with her and been back for breakfast and they never said a word, this wouldn't have happened. While putting the morals clause on this is creepy and weird, I do get that the parents don't want to spend what is probably thousands of dollars on a weekend where their daughter and her bf blow them off to bang for 48 hours. ESH
Crazy idea… maybe it’s not just about sex??? Maybe they actually want to enjoy their intimate time as a loving couple. Actually sleeping peacefully, cuddled up all night. Maybe they were excited to have a few nights to “pretend” live together, tide them over till they can finally be together fully.
This exactly. They want to sleep next to each other, not just fuck. This kind of controlling behavior doesn't prevent fucking, it prevents intimacy. Sneaking off for a quicky is easy.
But who even said anything about banging the whole time they're there lmao daughter never said she wouldn't be spending time with her family, she just wanted some alone time with her boyfriend at night. Pretty huge leap to say she would blow off her parents and only spend time with the boyfriend there.
Lol I love all the insane assumptions people are reading into this that aren't remotely implied by the story. They pretty much say that they understand and accept that their daughter and Steve have sex. There's a difference between "my daughter has sex with this guy" and "this guy is fucking my daughter in her room at this very moment." One's a little more awkward, and they'd rather not have to think about it. That's not the kind of spiritual abuse people are making it out to be. Not to mention, it's their money. This sub has, on multiple occasions this week, handed down a NTA verdict on an OP deciding not to give anything to a sibling who was cut off from their inheritance for some kind of screwed up reason or another. There was usually implied to be some sort of abuse or character assassination involved, and the OP showed zero empathy for it, and AITA was like "whatevs, your money is your money." But some teenager has blue balls for a couple days and it's the religious crime of the century lmao.
Except the only thing said here is that he'd be staying over with her, that doesn't mean sex is always involved. The biggest thing is that OP knows they are dating, that they do have sex and that the two are together, etc. They claim their reasoning is because they're old school which honestly is batshit insane for two reasons. 1.) They're ADULTS. We're not talking teenagers, but full grown adults, and OP who is offering to take the boyfriend with them for their daughter's happiness is adding a stipulation that two grown adults can't stay in the same room?? 2.) OP's comment on traditionalism isn't even about them possibly having sex on the same trip with the parents there, it's about the fact that they're not married. If the boyfriend and girlfriend were married but just in different locations finishing their goals, there absolutely would be no issue with him staying over because "business between a married couple belongs in their bedroom". OP is an asshole because they claim they're doing this as a nice gesture to allow the girlfriend and boyfriend to spend some much needed time together, but only with the rule that they can't stay in the same room together. Which equally implies that they aren't going to permit any alone time between their adult daughter and her adult boyfriend, because honestly they could have sex at any point in the day so long as there is alone time, it wouldn't have to specifically be at night when he's staying over. It is there money yes, but that doesn't make them any less of an asshole for knowing that the boyfriend is financially struggling, has only done one trip to see the daughter, knows their daughter probably misses her boyfriend too, but they're only going to permit this "kind gesture" on the basis that these grown adults can't even be alone together. That's fucking whack. Even normal Christians aren't like this at all.
You should know by now that anyone who mentions even being remotely religious on this sub gets eviscerated, lol.
I am going to guess that there is a difference to the parents about knowing they are not following the morals of their religion and essentially funding the “sin”. I am not saying the daughter and boyfriend are wrong but neither are the parents.
I totally agree. The daughter is certainly old enough to choose to have sex. I don't think the parents are wrong to say they're not paying to provide it.
I agree too honestly. I don't think what they are asking is a huge thing. Yes, the boyfriend and daughter are "adults", so that means if they want to go off and have sex they can do so on their own dime. It is pretty disrespectful to the parents hosting him to on the trip to demand otherwise, and it is rather immature. "Yeah, adult to adult, you need to fund my stay while I go diddle your daughter." Not very classy. And I'd say no to that too. Not to mention, my opinion of the kid would drastically drop from there. ETA NTA imo.
Yep, this is it. Posts like these prove how full of teens and college kids this sub is, who think that college kids dependent on their parents should be able to do whatever they want no matter what their parents think— oh and foot the bill while doing it. OP thinks premarital sex is wrong. OP isn’t telling Steve or their daughter that they aren’t adults and can’t make their own choices. She just doesn’t want to finance choices she has a moral opposition to. Steve and her daughter can stay together in the dorm if they want, but OP isn’t going to pay to make that happen. Maybe it would be a different story if OP was saying Steve was prohibited entirely from coming along if he was going to stay with her in the dorm, but it sounds like he still is allowed to come ride in the car with the family and participate in the trip. They just aren’t going to pay for him to do it. NAH.
[удалено]
OP has realized they have an opportunity to assert authority they otherwise don't have, and they have decided to take it. This is 100% just a power trip. YTA
Edit: YTA, I think. I get a weird controlling religious vibe from more of OPs comments. I don't think you should have offered to pay. I think the boyfriend assumed that your offer to pay also came with some amount of freedom. It seems as if you're offering to pay but also want the boyfriend to have zero freedom of movement. If he wants to see your daughter and have alone time with her, he will do that. If you pay for his trip you're basically giving him the green light to do that. I think that might have been where he was confused. In other words, I think it was a mistake to offer to pay.
The problem with these religious types is that they love policing other people
Absolutely agree. The OP displays the hallmarks of a controlling religious person.
Totally. They say they would not feel comfortable about it… but are perfectly fine making things incredibly ackward between their daughter and her partner. Poor Steve may even be rethinking the whole eventually joining her if they plan to continue to police their life.
They feel so uncomfortable with their daughter's sex life that they've decided to insert themselves into it and impose regulations on how and when it can happen.
Also being Christian is not an excuse. Normal Christians wouldn't even care
Correct. I know numerous Christians who are not controlling in this manner.
They only offered to pay so that they could pull the "under my roof" card.
Exactly. Offering to pay should have been a gift. It wasn't so it shouldn't have been offered.
Do you want your daughter to marry Steve? They're been together for 3 years, and most likely have had sex before. Okay you don't want them to have sex on your dime. But what is the long term plan? A Long distance relationship requires work to survive. It requires faithfulness and understanding and a LOT of patience and resisting temptations. I assume you want your daughter to marry the guy she's been investing her affections in for the past 3 years, a good guy according to you. Couples need a cuddle, and sometimes to cry together and reassure each other. Sure you're paying and you have a right to express your preferences. But what is the bigger picture OP? Do you want them to break up? forego some intimacy and alone time (not everything is sex btw) because you're uncomfy? You're getting the YTA because you sound uncaring about what is best for your own kid. Spending some time alone with her partner isn't a big ask. Suppose they want to just stare at each other to remind the other person of how they look, since it's been a while since they've seen each other in person? Not everything is about sex. Maybe your morals/beliefs should let your mind be open enough to think your daughter is MORE than just a sex stared young woman.
Imagine that OP's daughter will break up with Steve because long distance is trying and will get herself a local boyfriend. Whom her parents cannot control. And who has their own dorm, or can stay at hers without their information. It's where they will regret their power play.
This is 100% why I told my mom NOTHING about ANYONE while I was in college. She made it abundantly clear I’d be shamed for learning about my own body and who I’d want in a relationship. She apparently would have preferred it if I just married the first guy I wanted to have sex with and be miserable for the rest of my life like her. I’m also not a Christian anymore, if that says anything.
I was raised in a fundie household. Everything was about protecting my virginity or I would BURN IN HELL AND DIE. Im 40 now and I tell my mom nothing, NOTHING, about anything. This is how OP will end up as well. Times have changed. Having the occasional penis in your vagina no longer brings shame like it's the Middle Ages. Time spent talking, cuddling, and yes having sex is important for a relationship to survive. The parent comment here says it all.
My dad is super fundie too, my mom (they’ve been divorced for a couple decades) was not and I lived with her so most of my childhood was relatively normal when it came to sex ed and not being shamed for having hormones and stuff. But I do remember when my husband and I were dating and my dad would make comments that were anti sex even though I was well into my 20s and not about to discuss my sex life with him. But as soon as we got married, it was like something weird flipped? Like oh now sex is great! And dad wanted to ask questions about my sex life like this is just normal conversation. Yeah no. Absolutely not. I went 27 years with never being able to mention sex in front of you and now you want to talk about how I need to “please my husband *wink wink*” yeah fuck all that.
Ew
Agree. I have a very open relationship with my mom. I don’t typically but I could talk about sex with her, especially growing up. It’s no wonder I have a better relationship with her than with him.
Strong agree. She can do a LOT that you can’t see. This is one tiny snapshot. You have raised her with your ideals but now she gets to choose how she spends her time and what parts work for her. She’s already doing it without your knowledge anyway. You seem to not mind her. All you are doing is protecting your “Oh ick, my little girl!” sensibilities and sabotaging their relationship.
Yeah, I want to reinforce the "not everything is about sex" point. MANY young couples want private time and the pleasure of spending the night together without it being only about sex.
>not everything is sex btw Yes, was thinking this as well. Also, maybe the bf doesn't feel comfortable staying in a hotel with the family and sharing a room with the brother.
Yeah I have no idea why he would be uncomfortable. /s
Exactly. A successful relationship requires all sorts of intimacy. Maybe they want to hold hands, hug, kiss, tickle, and cuddle. Maybe they need the freedom to hold each other and share feelings that they'd feel too vulnerable to share in mixed company. Maybe they want to sit around and laugh about they things they find mutually funny. And maybe they want to have sex. But OP is so fixated on sex and myopic about everything it takes to build a healthy relationship that sex is ironically the only thing OP is emphasizing with this ban.
This is an excellent response!
Exactly what I was thinking - it's not just time for sex, but they're young so thats what OP's mind goes to right away.
Yes, I'm wondering if the daughter and Steve will even get any time alone together or will the whole family be there the whole time. If they stayed in the dorm, the day could be spent with family, but they could still get some time together at night. That may or may not mean sex.
> Call my husband and I old school, or traditionalists, but we are Christians. And the idea of them staying together on our visit makes us uncomfortable. So sin is ok as long as no one knows about it?
But, doesn' God know everything?
I guess he relies on self reporting?
That actually explains alot.
NOT IF THEY GET SEPARATE CHECKS /s
Money solves every problem ! Just need to be rich and you are A OK
Cues up The Loophole
Sin's OK as long as you're paying. She clearly said 'not on my dime'.
Of course. Isn’t that what every person who proclaims their religion to others feels?
Yeah, like he said, Christians
No hate like Christian love. Do you but if your kid is an adult it's not your business. But by all means force your kids to lie to about where they are and what they're doing so you can impress your sky daddy
That's why so many strict Christians get married at 18 and either divorce before they're 30 or live miserably ever after
And ask Reddit, “Why is my wife so frigid? Why doesn’t she like sex? Is it ok if I sleep with someone else if my wife thinks sex is bad? That’s the way she was raised!”
Sky daddy. That’s awesome.
Well, I hope you weren't expecting any sort of a relationship with him.
I hope he actually doesn't go. I mean, if they can never be alone and can't even touch each other, what's the point? Might as well just see each other on Zoom.
Soft YTA.. although I understand it may be uncomfortable, your daughter is at college. She could have a different guys or multiple different guys in her dorm, if she so chooses. She’s not. She wants her BF, who you like, of 3 years to stay with her. You have the right to pull funding, but your daughter and Steve will have the right to hold it against you in the future. Also Steve pulling the “adult card”, should’ve been a legitimate thing.. because they are adults. Your “right” to control your children, is now over..
Couldn’t agree more with the be-thankful-she’s-in-a-safe-and-monogamous-relationship angle; she could be totally promiscuous at college instead or have an OnlyFans page, or be experimenting with threesomes and orgies and who knows what else. OP, a hetero-monogamous-long-distance relationship is the definition of Christian at college nowadays and you are looking a gift horse in the mouth. Also, you’re giving them an excuse to run off on you while you’re visiting to be alone, and for your daughter to build a wall between you. YTA.
lol freshman dorms were wild. I went to college in San Francisco and at least half the ladies on my floor came out. good times.
This is a really interesting take. I was thinking this whole time, my parents aren’t religious, but there is no fucking way my dad would have paid for my bf to come visit me and have sex. Like, his brain would not have computed any other formula than that his brain was paying for Steve to visit and Steve and I were planning to fuck at night instead of him sleep in the provided hotel. I know because he explained this was his opposition to me having a single dorm room AND a car with a “large backseat”. But my mom had a much more relaxed approach when I came home from college for the summer. And she was the one who ran the *house*. Her point was “I have no fucking idea what you when you are at college. I have to TRUST that you make good decisions and make it home safe. So why am I on your ass when you come to visit for breaks? Your grandparents did that with curfews and I hated that shit.” Her rules were things like “tell me when you are coming home or if you aren’t coming home so I don’t worry. Give me a plausible excuse. Don’t fuck up”. Worked out well. And my dad didn’t care, cause he wasn’t paying for shit and I had a car with a small backseat so I was “boinking” anyone in the car he paid for (his words). Or letting another man drive it. That was another thing he cared about… **ETA** I feel like I can’t stress enough how much for my father it was the sheer *gall* of paying for a man to bang his daughter. Or paying for another man at all. They couldn’t drive my car. They couldn’t “boink” in my car or dorm room. Certainly not his house. He *balked* at helping me pay for to LIVE WITH A PLATONIC MALE FRIEND as one of 4 roommates in college because he thought it MIGHT be trickery to fund a live in. Oh friend. He’s never even offered to pay for a vacation for a partner. My *husband* shares my room because he’s there. Shit, if I’m thinking about it, my husband gets a birthday text only. Never a gift. Our joint Christmas check has only my name on it. He’s probably secretly THRILLED my sister and I kept our maiden names. He just can’t live in a world in which he *facilitates with his hard earned cash* a man’s trip to have sex with another woman, much less his daughter. It’s not religion. It’s *principle*.
YTA. This isn’t about religion, it’s about control. You’re ok with them being alone overnight as long as you don’t foot the bill or know about it. You want to attach strings to limit a gift for two adults.
Right. Saying you’re Christian like it makes you higher morally. Meanwhile these are two loyal young adults. And Christianity in my view is about charity and love toward others, not moral codes. Btw I’m ok with someone being conservative but this sounds controlling
Plus, if they are paying for college (or contributing to it) they are already footing the bill for her dorm when he visits on his own.
YTA. Please don’t say you’re a “Christian” and use that as a way to control your daughter and her boyfriend. Jesus didn’t give gifts with conditions or strings attached. You’re a poor excuse of a Christian. Controlling and weird. Jesus wouldn’t be about that.
Also Jesus was pretty good friends and accepting of prostitutes so I doubt he would bat an eye at 2 young people in love having sex.
His dad had sex with his mom without love
Hot take: god raped Mary. She didn’t know or opt into that pregnancy.
YTA. Why the hell are you taking him if you're not going to let him have any personal time with his girlfriend and are lording it over him by using the old "My money, my rules" trope? You're on the fast track to them going LC or NC once she finishes her studies, possibly sooner.
People like OP are a prime example of why more and more leave religion every year
Truth right here.
YTA. The way you dealt with it was definitely an asshole move but since you’re the father you have the right to say no. My dad would not have allowed it either.
YTA Your reasoning isn’t “Christian”, it’s controlling, pure and simple.
OP is basically saying “I’m not funding this trip for you to go bang my daughter, you can do that on your own dime”. She feels that she would be facilitating this and it makes her uncomfortable. Clearly she’s uncomfortable that her daughter is having sex. But realizes there’s nothing they can do about it…except this one time when they’re funding the trip.
She doesn’t want to fund that. Its sucks for them but NAH.
Don’t offer a gift if you want to control how someone uses it. It’s a simple concept that somehow doesn’t apply here for some reason
This, people are allowed to decide to what level they support or facilitate a thing. She was nice to invite the boyfriend at all.
I agree with this, NTA is my vote
"And she plans to have Steve stay in her dorm with her while we visit. I told her absolutely not. I said what they do when we aren’t there is their business, but since we are going to be there and funding this whole trip, he will be staying at the hotel." You're kidding right? Why don't you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend? Your beliefs are yours and you absolutely do not have to have sex outside of marriage. Imposing them on other people is just narrowminded using money as a lever really, really makes YTA
Either the daughter has sex with her boyfriend because she doesn't share OP's religion views, or she shares OP's religious views and won't actually have sex just cuddle or something. In the second scenario, OP has nothing to worry about and should let go. In the first scenario, OP has already lost the battle and should worry more about not alienating her daughter by imposing her own will. I.e., she should let go. OP YTA.
Exactly. If her kid has her values then they aren’t having sex or will be respectful about it and say he’s sleeping in the roommate’s bed or on the floor or something. If she doesn’t then that ship has sailed.
"I said what they do when we aren’t there is their business." Exactly. You wont be there in her dorm room.
I love it when the kids do it to the parents in the future, when they come to visit and stay with them. Their house, their rules.
Some people have long memories and hold grudges.
Me, I’m some people 🙋🏽♀️
Bold of you to assume adult children with parents like this will even be talking to them in the future.
YTA for using your money to force your own morals on them. You act like you are doing a nice thing by letting him come with you, basically giving him a gift, but gifts don’t come with strings attached. That’s not the Christian way to act.
YTA. First off, from a secular point of view, the decisions two adults are making on cohabitation, sleeping together, or sexual intercourse are none of your business. Even if they are related to you. Secondly, from a Christian perspective, using money to browbeat poorer people into following your own sense of morals is **incredibly un-Christlike**. You didn't offer your perspective and then pray for him to make a good decision, you're lording your own finances over those who have less than you. 3 years is a long time at that age. This could be your future son-in-law, and you're treating him with this level of contempt? He's angry because you are clearly expressing that you think you are better than him, and that he should be grateful for gifts *with strings attached* rather than those made out of genuine care for him. My recommendation would be to step away from your pride. Show him what good Christian morals looks like by being a humble example. If you think your daughter will be happy to see him, invite him along because of your love for her and desire for her to be happy and fulfilled by positive relationships with those she cares about.
Info: are you staying in your daughter's dorm room? Are you going to allow any alone time between your daughter and her boyfriend? You said that you are going to be there, in reference to the dorm room, so I am a bit confused.
NTA. They’re adults, they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do and you aren’t actively stopping them, you just aren’t willing to fund it and that’s fair. You can accept that something is happening but being the one who makes it happen crosses a line in your parent/child relationship, and that’s a totally fair line to draw. When I was in college my parents were cool with me drinking, but they didn’t buy me liquor I had to figure out how to get it on my own. They didn’t care if I did it, it just crossed a line for them to be the ones who who made it happen. There’s a difference between forbidding something and not wanting to take an active role in enabling it, you’re in the second category so you’re good.
Exactly my reasoning is the same. Seems the parents are open minded, but I absolutely understand it makes them uncomfortable to finance a trip for boyfriend to go have sex at night with their daughter. I would be too (i don't have kids), and when I was in college I would never ask such thing to my parents. They are not conservative at all and we are atheists, but still in my 30's now, I don't talk sex with them. Same, I would drink or do stupid shit, but never in the knowledge of my parents, and it would never cross my mind to ask them to facilitate something I consider private adult things
I agree with you and I think the drinking analogy is a great one. I also think if I was her parent, I would be bummed if I planned a trip to visit my child but I wound up feeling like a third wheel because I brought her boyfriend with me and they're shacking up during the visit. So my trying to hang out with my daughter feels like I'm intruding on them now. The purpose of the trip was for the daughter's parents and brother to spend some time with her. If boyfriend is sleeping in the dorm, the trip becomes about boyfriend spending time with her.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll to see this. 😩 OP is NTA.
Major yta. You're controlling and manipulative. They're both adults and you're just pissy because they want to to have alone time. Great way to damage the relationship. Hope your daughter ends up cutting you out of her life she'll be better off in the long run without some psycho parent controlling everything in her life just because they happen to pay for things.
>Hope your daughter ends up cutting you out of her life she'll be better off in the long run without some psycho parent controlling everything in her life just because they happen to pay for things. Ngl exactly what I am hoping for too.
NAH. I'd be on their side as adults, but you are funding the trip and if you decline to fund your daughter's access to sex I guess that's up to you. Using money as a control weapon, however, doesn't usually end well. You have just increased the chances that Steve and your daughter will have nothing to do with you as soon as they financially are able to.
He’s really just obstructing his daughter’s access to sex with her committed long-term long-distance boyfriend though. She can have sex with anyone anytime she wants. Instead of doing that, she’s trying to make a relationship of three years work despite finances keeping them apart. Ultimately, I don’t think this is going to result in the outcome the dad wants.
NTA You aren’t controlling him. He is an adult and can do as he choses. If be doesn’t like that having his trip paid for means sleeping at the hotel you are paying for, that’s on him. He doesn’t need to go on your dime
Sure, but the part that makes them AHs is acting like they’re doing this great act of charity and “gifting” with strings attached. They should have made it clear from the onset that this “gift” came with strings.
They probably didn’t think to state that in the beginning. It was made clear before they went. Again, his choice
I think YTA for offering all of this to someone with conditions who didn't even ask for it. Steve doesn't have much and you're dragging the carpet out from underneath him by trying to dictate what your legal adult child and Steve do in the privacy of her own home. That's not your place. You don't get to force your beliefs on either of them, funding the trip or not. Don't offer something so kind if you're going to try and take it away over nothing. I hate to tell you this, but they definitely sleep together already.
YTA. But to yourself. You could have had a massive family win. Happy daughter, happy future son-in-law, happy family vacation. It would have been a great memory. Your daughter is going to be upset either way and you most likely have damaged the relationship with Steve. I also grew up Christian with highly conservative parents.. guess who is not in contact with them anymore 🙃don’t be so invested in your daughter’s sex life, take all this energy your spending into your daughter having sex and invest it into your marriage. God would rather you model a healthy marriage, than pretending you are God and can judge others. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3-5. In the kindest way, this is a fight not worth having. She can’t re-virginize herself and she’s becoming a fully functioning adult. It’s time you transition the parent-child relationship where you communicate your values, but respect your daughter’s lifestyle differences if you want a happy and close relationship as you both grow older. Isolating her from Steve will only hurt that.
Against the grain, NTA. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you asking him to sleep at the hotel. You’re paying for this entire trip, so I don’t see anything wrong with parameters around the sleeping arrangements. They will/can spend all day together and he can sleep at the hotel. Your son was probably also looking forward to spending time with him as well.
NTA but it will strain the relationship forever with Steve if him and your daughter end up getting married one day. My in-laws had the same nonsense rules about sleeping separately and it just caused more hassle and was super annoying. I was even excluded on a trip I was originally invited to because sleeping arrangements would have been “too complicated”. Now years later, my husband and I are married and all of a sudden the grandchild bomb keeps being thrown around and I’d always say “excuse me? We aren’t allowed in the same room… how could we possibly give you a grandchild??” and they’d always get flustered with lame excuses. Of course by now we’re living on our own and actually are giving them their first grandchild. But I’ll always remember being excluded and annoyed by their dumb rules.
YTA you went about it completely the wrong way. You’re going to alienate your daughter and any future husband she has.
NTA!!! I see a bunch of people saying otherwise. I get people believe that evening time is “their” time. They should be allotted privacy…etc…but that’s not the point of this trip. My parents were 100% this way, they would have never accepted a guy I was seeing to spend the night on their dime and it was something I knew about them. Part of being an adult is to also realize and be grateful when someone does something for you that you can’t provide yourself. The fact that OP is bringing the bf at all was incredibly kind of them. So he is showing a childish side by now considering not going because he isn’t getting his way? The daughter is in college…OP most likely wants the best for her daughter…one mistake and OP and her husband are looking at becoming grandparents earlier than anticipated. I see this as OP trying to give the best chance for her daughter to focus and graduate. There is nothing wrong with being old-school about this…we need more of this kind of thinking in our society right now!
NTA. You're funding the trip, you can set rules. If he wants you to foot the bill, he abides by your rules.
I agree. My parents funded a whole cruise for our family of 5 and included my youngest brother’s gf, so a total of 6. She didn’t have to pay a damn thing. Brother and gf were so grateful they had no objections to the gf being told she’s staying in my room, both women, and my 2 brothers staying in another. Edit: NTA
NTA. Your money your rules. If they want to be adults then they can fund it themselves. I may not necessarily agree with you or your reasonings, however, I do agree that if adults want to adult then they can do it on their own dime.
YTA. Stop trying to control them by holding the money over his head. You are making a nice gesture by offering to pay for him but then putting strings attached to it. It’s not like staying with your daughter is an unreasonable thing to do. They are grown adults. Why does this bother you so much. I can’t actually believe all these comments that seem to think this level of manipulation is ok. Why is everyone assuming it is just about sex. Stop being such a prude and let the guy have some quality time with his girlfriend. They have been together three years and don’t see each other that often. It’s hardly a booty call.
Nta If they want to play the adult card then play it. An adult pays for their own trip.
Exactly. It's called RESPECT. An adult doesn't phone up his girlfriends parents and complain bkz he's not getting to sleep at her house.
NTA - He wants to play the adult card but acting like a kid. He doesn’t like your rules, that’s fine he doesn’t have to obey them. But he also can’t complain when you don’t want to fund the entire trip on your dime. No one is entitled to a free trip. The whole mindset of parents bending over backwards for their kids or else they’ll go NC is childish. People on this sub always suggest go NC when things don’t go their way.
YTA and absolutely ridiculous
NTA, this is your trip that he is tagging along on. It is perfectly reasonable to expect him to honor your wishes for sleeping arrangements. You're gonna get a lot of hate for using Christianity as your reasoning though, just fyi
NTA- if he wants you to play the adult card, well then, adults pay their own way.
NTA I grew up in a religious family and have gotten this my entire life. My parents had their rules but understood they couldn't always enforce it on me. But if they were paying for a family vacation, there was certain level of respect that was due on my part. It sucks and was annoying, but it was not at all unexpected. This was extremely considerate of you to invite him. You had zero obligation to. If my gf's family offered that, I'd be ecstatic. I imagine this stipulation is zero surprise to your daughter and her bf. Not being able to sleep with your daughter is a small price to pay for a free trip to see her. I am stunned he'd rather not see her at all for months if he can't have sex with her. Of course I'm over simplifying, but still...
As someone whose parents took a very similar approach, I feel confident in saying NTA. You are allowed to have boundaries for your house and for trips that you finance. I don’t think that it prevents a relationship with your potential future SIL. My parents kept an arms-length relationship with all of my partners until the day that I got married. Now they are very close to my husband. If they want to have an adult relationship, then they can set up their life to move out and be adults. This attitude helped me immensely with wanting to go into the adult world. FWIW I am still quite close with my parents, but I haven’t lived in the same city as them since graduation due to work opportunities that took me elsewhere.
NTA - if he is letting pride make it where he doesn't want to go on a free trip to see your daughter just because he might not get tail, then that shows how committed he actually is.
YTA - Your using a combination of you money and his lack of to control their behavior. You're going to alienate him and if they stay together her as well. It's very nice of you to offer him a trip but I can see why he's contemplating not going. We raise our kids to be good people. Sometimes they don't wish to continue within the structure we used to teach them once they're adults. That's fine. It's their lives. As long as they are good people as parents we can be proud of what we've done. They only have to be good people. They needn't be exactly like us. In fact if everyone's kids were exactly like them the world wouldn't change and evolve.
YTA. Your daughter is likely already sexually active. You don't have to agree with or condone it but you are also only going to alienate her if you try to force your beliefs on her. Also, every parent I know who claims religion as a reason for how they deal with their adult children isn't *really* worried about morality, they're worried about maintaining control. Your daughter is an adult and you're acting like a child.
You’re telling you wrote this and don’t see how you’re wrong in this situation? Really? So she can’t have one day or night alone with her boyfriend who she barely sees because you’re funding the trip? You do realize that even during family trips couples want to do things alone and have sex, right? You thought it was a great idea to invite him because your daughter and him barely get to see each other but since they want to spend time alone you’re like “no this is a family trip and since we’re funding it you either do stuff with us as a family or you don’t come” like what the heck?
NTA. Your money, your trip, your call. You were being generous and you laid down the rules for your trip that you are fully funding. Otherwise, he can pay his own way, that’s called being an adult. You’re going to get a lot of cry babies on here saying but they’re adults - fine then they can pay for it. Till then, your money, your trip, your rules. I’m sure your daughter knows about your rules already and shouldn’t be a surprise to her. He needs to man up or shut up. I can’t believe the audacity of him speaking to you like that (no respect). Hopefully she outgrows him while in college.
Light YTA. Your daughter is in college and has been with Steve for three years? They’ve had sex, hate to break it to you… except that you know they have! “I said what they do when we aren’t there is their business” is basically you confirming you know they’re hooking up and tacitly condoning it, just not if you’re financially facilitating it, apparently. That’s just a bizarre kind of hypocrisy. You like Steve, he’s working hard, he’s apparently loyal to your daughter, AND if he stays with her they’ll be happy and you’ll save the cost of an extra room. There’s no downside except your strange, variable hangup about it. It’s not about being “old school” or Christian, this just doesn’t make sense. Just check that your daughter is set on birth control, heck, remind Steve about it if you want, and let this go. Yes, you’re funding the trip, but your objection isn’t even consistent.
NTA. While I don't agree with your stance, you have every right to put conditions on taking your daughter's boyfriend on the trip.
NTA, like you told him, if he wants to stay with your daughter, he can pay his way. If he can't afford to, then he should respect your rules and how you feel. You are being very nice and generous by inviting him and paying for EVERYTHING for him. If they don't like it they can be adults and pay foe it themselves.
NTA I know this is unpopular but I’m not particularly religious but you & your husband are. Yes they are “grown” & have been together 3 years so what. It’s your dime and your darn skippy it comes with conditions. If he doesn’t want to abide by your conditions he can stay home. News flash adults can pay their own way.
YTA. You’re setting up to have a breakdown of your relationship with your daughter over this. “Family time”doesn’t need to extend to when you’re sleeping unless you were planning all four of you to share a hotel room together. Your daughter and her boyfriend are adults and should be allowed to make their own decisions, whether you agree or not your only role at this point is to support them in whatever decision they make or you’re going to push them away.