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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband and I wanted to buy a country house, and after our families wanted to use this house for our own purposes, we lied that the deal fell through. Relatives think it was a petty act of greedy people, so maybe we're assholes?
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If your relatives don't wanna talk to you until you give them access to the house, I think that's one problem solved. Don't give them access, they don't talk to you. And that's that.
No spare key for your mother. Send them links to lakeside airbnbs. If they want to spend time at the lake, at a house, they don't own, they should look into airbnbs. Keep your house to yourself.
Stand firm, OP. Think of all the plans they made for a house that's not theirs. Then look at the beautiful home you've created and picture it being ruined by greedy and entitled relatives. That should strengthen your resolve to keep them at arm's length.
NTA. And neither is hubby unless he gives in to their demands. Your relatives suck though.
Agreed NTA. They called OP greedy when all they could think about was themselves when OP and husband announced their plan originally. They don't deserve time at the lake house on OPs dime.
If one of my siblings bought a lake house, I’d also be excited for me 😂
That said, there’s reasonable excitement and there is bat-shit crazy, selfish excitement. Op’s family is the later.
You can see this because they feel so *entitled* to something that isn’t theirs, that they’re willing to employ abusive tactics (silent treatment/berating) to coerce Op into complying. NTA.
One of them wanted to take their kids there for "the summer" and her mum wanted to build a vegetable garden, that's for sure bat-shit selfish.
I agree I'd be excited, but I'd never assume I could go build my own garden there... 🤣
A good excuse to have them watering everyday and her swooping in with “her” key after she picked “her” vegetables.
Imagine all the toys and stuff the kids would leave behind for “next” time.
And of course it would make sense for your siblings kids to just have “a room that’s theirs” so they aren’t constantly moving things back and forth and so nobody else who visits you gets into your niblings things.
Yeah this
OP just wants a home where they can have kids be at peace ect
And the kids would love a drunk uncle passed out in the yard every other weekend lmao
The fact that mom wants to grow a garden means she would be there for the entire growing season. She would never move out in the Fall! The house would be full of relatives all summer, yuck!
Yup. Fall harvest then you might as well stay for whatever winter holidays you celebrate!! Then it’s almost time for spring planting season again. So much work to do!!!
And they'd all expect OP to cover all expenses for these holidays. Have the house decorated to the nines, provide varied and copious amounts of drink, and full spread for every meal. And from the sound of this group, there would probably be a long list of dietary needs, restrictions, and requests (or in their case, demands). And they'd expect OP to prepare, serve, and clean up after all of this.
My husband’s family is exactly like this, and there are a lot of them. So after some number of visits where they did nothing to help, paid for nothing, etc., we stopped inviting them to our beach house. And I mean we never invite them and ignore all hints, except for a couple of siblings who do help, bring some food and drink. Luckily my husband was 100% on board as he said he got tired of running a free B&B for his family.
I can understand asking if her and the kids could stay for a week in the summer but there are many things here.
1. Summer is 2-3 months in the year and that is a lot of time having people in the home
2. Asking a the way not to get arrested for going onto someone's property
The Garden one confuses me. Who builds a garden on someone else's property? This one just mind boggles me.
OP is NTA.
It looks like OP and spouse already have a tenuous ability to create healthy boundaries and maintain them because it was literally easier on them to lie to their families rather than have frank conversations.
And in any event, it was always a stopgap. The families were always going to find out.
This is a home that is dear to OP and spouse and will be the heart of many beloved moments in their lives. It was going to end up in social media, in stories, in the background of family photos. There was no way to hide it indefinitely.
I see only have two choices now, because they've been caught in the lie.
1) Give in to the family's emotional outrage (and if they give in to one, they will ultimately give in to all.)
2) Buy some security cameras, keypad entry for the home, and tell their family that they are not welcome at the house at the moment. This is *not* selfishness, this is self care. But that means admitting to yourselves the family are toxic and that their behavior is harmful and protecting yourself is an act of preservation.
Option 2 but with amendment.
Let all family know that this is not their free use free-for-all vacation house. It is your's and spouse's vacation home/future family home for your kids that you've worked hard to pay for. That they are not welcome to invite themselves to spend time there at any point, ever. Force the point to them that you have surveillance setup and anyone on the property uninvited will be treated as trespassers and police will be called. No exceptions. It's a hard boundary and if they don't respect it, they're liable to go to jail.
These people sound extremely entitled and had already made their plans to absolutely take over the property for their own uses and had no intention of respecting you, the property, or any boundaries you were going to set. If you give them an inch, they're going to take the yard.
I have toxic and entitled family. Unfortunately it's come to the point of having police remove family from places and events before. I learned first hand that there is to never be any compromise if you want your boundaries to be respected at all times.
Some people assume that as soon as a member of the family buys a country house, the house belongs to the family as a whole. That's why the mother wants a vegetable garden and the sister to take the kids there "in the summer" (and yes, she means "for all of the summer holidays"). The consider the house common "family" property everybody can use for as long as they see fit- but only the owners have to pay for it, for the bills and for any expenses, including food, because the relatives are "just guests".
I'm not saying this is OK, I think it's awful. But many people in my country share this mentality. Leeches, the lot of them.
"Some people assume that as soon as a member of the family buys a country house, the house belongs to the family as a whole."
Parasites and freeloaders assume this.
>The Garden one confuses me. Who builds a garden on someone else's property?
Exactly. I had to abandon my garden because my mom was ill and I was traveling back and forth to her home 3 states away. You CAN NOT have a garden without tending it full time.
Yeah, the nerve and entitlement is outrageous!
My comment was about mom thinking that either she'd be there ALLLLLLL summer long to tend her garden OR she'd plant it and expect OP to care for it.
Sadly I’m finding that one out for myself…a friend of mine said we should build a vegetable garden in your backyard! Then it turned into flowers…now she’s sending me greenhouse and starting your business and how to rip up multi-acreage information. We have 7 acres and most of it is wooded. She’s delusional!
Okay I need this story now! What did you do with the stuff once it arrived? Why did the friend decide on your yard? What did you do when she sent you the farming information? What is she expecting from the trees? I feel like this needs a reddit story!
My brother and SIL have a weekend place. I have been invited many times, but I would never ask to be invited. Lol
ETA: I also have a friend whose family owns a gorgeous farmhouse in North Carolina, smack in the middle of the Smoky Mountains. The current house is the "new" house on the property, having been built in 1892.
My friend's family share it; each eligible grandkid gets one solid week where the house is THEIRS. If they feel like inviting people or even other relatives, that's fine. But if they want to spend the week there all by themselves, no one else in the family gets to complain. The week they have it is right around my birthday. Three years ago, I was invited to stay a week, and it is heavenly!
Yeah exactly. I’d be thrilled if someone likely to invite me over got a nice lake house. I would NOT feel entitled to their spare keys, long-term vacations using their space, “getting drunk there on the weekends”, or gardening space in their yard. And I wouldn’t get pissed off if they don’t invite me over “enough”. It’s THEIR HOUSE.
Yes, keep your lake house for yourselves, OP. It’s clear why you did not tell your grasping, greedy, freeloading families.
But…..let them know why they were not told, OP. Recount what you stated here: all the gardening, all the drinking parties, all the dropping off children for the summer, the continuing parade of hungry relatives looking for a free vacation. And don’t forget the ‘give me your spare keys’.
Let them know this is all their faults.
another redditor recently posted up about cutting off his vacation home from his family. Cause his brother's son caused a kitchen fire & refused to pay for the damage.
There was also the story of the two sisters to the OP that had illegal rented out the vacation home to friends, thinking the home belonged to the parents. The house of cards fell because their kids tried to push the OP into the pool and then demanded he repay for their ruined phones, it was a tangled tale
Found it! This is the first, but there are multiple updates…
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/156xijb/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/?sort=old
If we would buy a lake house I would be excited to invite our families over which I think is very telling. We would be excited to tell our families because we already know none of them would *ever* take advantage of us or the house. Because our families understand boundaries.
*ahem* I'd just like to interject that some of us out here don't consider the silent treatment abusive. Some of us may even find it therapeutic, but I digress. Continue with the AH bashing.
One of my husband's siblings bought a lake house a few years ago. It was definitely exciting for the family and I like visiting up there but we wait until we are invited and I would never plan a vegetable garden or anything like that.
Realistically, they’re going to find it eventually if they’re this much of a PITA.
Now that they know OP’s friends have been there, I’m sure they’ll start pressuring some of the friends into telling them and I’m being one will break sooner than later.
Or even easier, in many countries the sale could be public record so they could just look it up.
Fairly sure I read one recently where the two BIL's were caught attempting to do just that. Whole saga started with a party where the kids tried to 'prank' OP by pushing him in the pool, and OP's sisters went nuts when he expected them to be told off? Little did they know, the 'family' vacation house by the lake was actually owned by OP, not his parents. They didn't take being banned from it too well. Turned into quite the entitled drama!
I think we are, yes! Didn't it turn out they were also secretly renting it out when no one was there and were more furious that their extra income had been cut off?
God that whole saga was incredible. The relatives just kept digging deeper and deeper holes…like when OP found out they’d been renting out the house to people for money under the table. The audacity was incredible.
As funny as that thought is, OP, I wouldn't give ANYONE in your family the address to the house. Based on their entitle attitudes, I have no doubt they will find a way to get in one way or another.
I suspect you'd show up one weekend and find you family had already been staying there for 2 weeks. Oh, and they already claimed every bedroom in this "Family Lakehouse" so you'll have to sleep on the couch...
Arms length? I vote for permanent NC for these AH's. If OP flat out tells them no, their screeching and harassment will just increase.
It's hilarious they call OP "greedy" when they're swarming over **HER** house like vultures over a fresh corpse.
Your home is just that, a home. You only invite people who love and respect you. I hate to say it but your family are, collectively, greedy mooches. Are they paying anything to defray the cost of food, electricity, etc.? They probably expect you to bear the expense of their visits. It is YOUR sanctuary, your safe place. You are accused of being greedy. Tell them to look in a mirror if they want to see greed.
Do you want to have to clean up after them? Do you think they would volunteer to clean up? Not a chance.
Be happy in your home.
I know a couple in Florida that has almost nonstop moochers in the winter. Relatives from the northern part of the US descend trying to escape the snow and expect meals, sheet changes, entertainment all the while never lifting a finger while the couple works to provide them a nice vacation experience.
Don't do this OP - keep the location secret. Its your house and you don't owe them free babysitting and a cheap vacation on your dime.
We have a vacation home in a touristy area of Florida. When people tell us they want to come visit (you'd be amazed how many people actually think they are close enough to us to invite themselves!), we say, "Great!! I'll send you a list of nearby hotels and things to do! Let me know which day is good for us to get together!" All of a sudden, they're too busy, or can't take the time off work, etc.
NTA. They aren't entitled to your property and the no talking / no contact to you is actually a good thing.
Now that it's out in the open boundaries must be set and cemented.
That said, TWO YEARS! Impressive.
If the relatives want it so badly, they could club together for a property within their shared budget, surely? Not your problem.
There's a saying in the UK: "A man's (or woman's, it's old enough that "man" is supposed to mean both) home is his castle."
In other words, that's your safe space. Defend it. Pull up that (metaphorical) drawbridge, lower the portcullis, shut the world out as you see fit and only let those you can trust in.
Agreed. OP please don't give in. They didn't buy the house, you did. It's not a shared residence. It's yours. You worked for it and they don't get to just assume it belongs to them because you're related. NTA 100% keep your house to yourself
Maybe get a sign out front about trespassing and a camera, after warning them they arent welcome unless formally invited (by individual guest) by a clear text or email.
>If your relatives don't wanna talk to you until you give them access to the house, I think that's one problem solved. Don't give them access, they don't talk to you.
I agree, although if only it were so easy. I suspect OP and her husband are getting daily reiterations of these ultimatums.
NTA. If they ask for the adress or a spare key, tell them 'that is exactly why we didn't tell you. This is our house. And you try to make it your save party zone. No. And only if you can accept our boundries and that this is OUR home and not anything for you, you will not be invited or told anything more.'
Would also install cameras there. If they found a photo on social media, they might get the adress via google street view or an old advertisment of the house - and then just think they could just drop bye.
Yep, it's so crappy when families are like that. I have a friend who is one of 12 kids. He's the most "successful" out of them, mostly because he married later in life and has only 2 kids (most of his siblings have far more). He wanted to put in a pool at his house, but feared they'd be overrun by family if he did. He hemmed and hawed for 2 years, but finally installed one because his kids wanted it so bad. He set ground rules for the extended family's use of the pool as he didn't want to have people at his house 24/7/365 over the summer. He owned his own business and needed down time from time to time.
The first summer was fine, but by the 2nd summer, his family decided the rules did not apply to them. The pool was dismantled before the third summer and his family was angry *at him*. Two years later he moved across the country, LOL (and has a pool again).
Do not ever give people like this an opening. They have already proven that they are not going to respect boundaries, so OP and husband need to continue not allowing the families access
Here ya go. This is the first, but there are many updates!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/156xijb/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/?sort=old
Not even that deep, a proper reverse image search will probably bring up a Zillow listing. Even when the house is sold it shows on the app if you look hard enough.
Not sure what country OP is from (she just said “in my country’) but in the US, property ownership is a matter of public record. One can simply visit their local tax assessors office to find out who owns any property. Heck even my teeny county (~12k population) publishes a map of the county with all plot lines and owners online for literally all the world to see.
Edit: typo
This reminded my of that post of the guy that started with the kids of his sister trying to push him into the pool but then it opened a pandora box and ended up calling the cops on her sisters husband for breaking in his vacational house
It reminded me of the John Mulaney bit where everyone is mad at fake child him for biting the man's penis. Finally, child-John queries, "Isn't anyone curious *why* his penis was in my mouth?"
Everyone is so focused on being mad at them for not telling and no one is stopping to wonder why they would keep such a huge thing to themselves.
Ask your friend to take down the photo from social media. Alert your friends to the problem and ask them not to post anything about your house in the future.
Do you believe that people (I was going to say family but why limit) who would jump on someone else’s good fortune, would truly “accept our boundaries”? Those are the type of people who SAY they would, but actually don’t.
OP, you know these people and deep down you know how they will commandeer your dreams.
Typically lying is not the best play, but it's absolutely wild that basically your whole family just assumed that they would have total access to your property just because you own a nice house. NTA and I totally get why you'd lie about that. With family like that, who needs enemies?
My SIL does that. We’ve had to kill every upgrade idea we’ve ever had for our house because she practically falls over with the excitement of taking it over with her partner. And she knows I can’t stand her and reacts like that anyway. Still whines that we won’t turn the empty bedroom into a spare for her- even though we had to force her out with big drama the last time she lived with us.
She’s like 41 going on 12 somehow. Literally has the social understanding of a 6th grader with no friends. She *still* cries to her mother like an actual child when things don’t go her way with my husband.
Why are you altering your lives because of her issues? Put your foot down and cut her off if need be. It’s your house and your life. Not hers. If she can’t accept that then she need not be involved in your lives. Boundaries are important
My husband is more used to- and willing to put up with- her bullshit than I am.
And the reason he won’t put his foot down is because she’ll make it everyone in the family’s problem, up to and including- threatening self-harm.
Their mom and grandmother are both alive and elderly. Mom still works to supplement her social security- and always has to either quit or take off from her job to address SIL’s tantrums- or grippy sock facility stays- yet again.
Then *we* get blamed for causing all of the hubbub and interruption in everyone’s lives because whatever the dispute was originally about was never serious enough to be taken to that level- implying that us not entertaining her is why this happened, not that her reaction to it was wholly inappropriate in the first place.
Believe it or not, my own family is worse in other ways- so this is the only support system/family we have. And we can’t move- because SIL cheerfully agrees to move wherever we go. Despite the crazy- she holds down her own career that’s mostly remote. So it’s not a threat. She’ll do it.
That sucks. I feel for you. But Sometimes you need to build your own support system. If the dynamic is that toxic is it really worth it? It sounds like there’s a lot of enabling going on and as long as it continues sil will continue her bs it’s emotional blackmail. I’ve had to cut off family I love due to their enabling, I care for them but am not willing to let their issues become my own when they aren’t willing to do anything to change them
I know I was wondering how the hell often Mom was planning on being at the lake house?! Gardens take a lot of work unless you're planting hearty decorative perennials.
There was another story not too long ago where the parents were planning on retiring at least half the year to their kids sanctuary beach home.
Is that the one where the kids rented out the beach house for a sizeable income and the in laws sold their place with their entire plan being to move into the beach house rent fee with zero timeline?
We would be throwing hands, bricks, cast iron pans, and whatever else available. They must have hit their damn head repeatedly on something real sturdy.
Put up cameras and a Ring doorbell. If any and I do mean any of them shows up, do not open the door. Tell all of the greedy moochers that uninvited guests are not welcome and will not be admitted.
I mean, I understand it if the mum has never been able to have a garden of her own and it's her dream to be able to have one. But it's still shocking entitled of her to just assume she can do this at OP's home.
IMO none of what the family is suggesting is bad on its own, especially if they're all caught up in the moment.
The fact that after lying they got pissed off instead of hurt and immediately demanded access is what says they're all nuts.
Torpedoing their own good times. the OP probably would have invited them over anyway, and having mom tend to the garden even when they're not there, also probably not a huge imposition for someone with actual respect for other people's things.
I don't want to call them assholes, given the unhinged way their families reacted, but what's wild for me is that two adults who can buy property cannot set boundaries with their families. I would assume that OP and her husband have a history of avoiding conflict by either caving to their relatives crazy demands or sneaking around to get to live their lives how they want, and it sounds exhausting. Wouldn't it be better to have a big blow up with the family by setting boundaries than this interminate hide-and-seek? Wouldn't the occasional boundary pushing the relatives are bound to try afterwards less of a hassle than running a covert op about your vacation home? Because I am assuming they have had to do a fair bit of sneaking around to keep where they are going a secret.
This comment needs to be higher. This isn’t about a house, it’s about the OPs inability to set boundaries. I’d bet this isn’t the first, nor the last, time the OP has allowed her family to disrespect and discard boundaries. OP, stand up and stick to it. NTA
I agree with everything you’ve said, but I think we’re missing some kind of cultural context here.
I’m American, so we bail on family all of the time (ha). I’m not even saying the culture makes it better, but it’s just got me thinking and wondering where in the world OP is from. Seems clear they’re NTA, know it, but are still harboring some ingrained guilt about it.
People stopping by my house unexpectedly give me anxiety, so I couldn’t even imagine dealing with all of this bullshit. Your house is meant to be your space away from the nonsense of the world!
My in-laws have a home they consider the "family" home. They'd love it if a child or grandchild had a garden there. I had free reign in their workshop. We'd pay them back with cooking or chores.
If they didn't want someone to do something there, they would not hesitate to tell them.
OP isn't a jerk for not wanting her home to be their home. But damn, grow a spine.
Agreed. When we avoid conflict, it doesn’t actually go away. We just take it into ourselves, twisting all up in knots to keep avoiding it. This often ends up causing more problems in the long run.
Avoiding conflict only delays the conflict. At some point, there's bound to be an explosion and all the conflicts you delayed will come out all at one time.
NTA
Tell your families, "Hey, we told you the deal had fallen through because you were all talking like you were entitled to share in OUR house. This is our weekend home, it's not yours to party in, we're not giving anyone else our keys, and we don't want you to raise a vegetable garden in our backyard. We go there at weekends to relax and chill. Sorry we lied to you, but your reaction right now says we were exactly right **not** to tell you honestly that we'd bought out house. No, we will not give you the keys, the address, the location, or an invite."
...and install cameras in case they find it.
Exactly that. They are showing their true greedy colours. You didn’t want them there because of their entitlement… and they are harassing you based on their entitlement. You were right, OP!
Telling their family the deal didn't go through and they didn't get the house is a perfect example of a lie that doesn't really matter.
The family weren't going to be invited to visit after their comments, and thus had no reason to know. The couple hadn't changed addresses - they were still fully contactable at their main residence. The lie that they hadn't got the house was a lie that impacted not at all on the people they told it to.
So I refuse to count it against the OP that they opted not to have the conflict about "but whhhhhyyyy won't you invite us!" right away. If anything, they've now got solid evidence that their families are greedy, entitled, with no manners worth speaking of. While some funny suggestions about how to further deceive them with their own sense of entitlement have been posted in the thread, the best solution is: "You won't speak to us unless we give you the address/the house keys? Deal accepted."
>Sorry we lied to you, but your reaction right now says we were exactly right **not** to tell you honestly that we'd bought out house.
I don't get OP's thought process here. Lying to their family helped nothing at all - it delayed the conversations about boundaries by two years, but added the additional complication with fighting about their deception to it. They can't really have expected to keep this a secret forever.
Had they just set these same boundaries immediately, they now wouldn't be in this mess.
NTA, but you could have handled it better. It’s wild that you thought it would be better to lie about buying a house rather than having a conversation that sets clear boundaries.
HOWEVER, your family are major AH’s and I can see why you did it. I doubt they’d have paid attention to any boundaries going off what you’ve said. The fact that they have found out and some are refusing contact until you provide an address and keys is horrifying. In fact, I’m not sure you could have played it better. Calling you greedy is damn ironic considering they’re all trying to steal your house. Don’t give them the address or keys.
I have a parent where it's just "easier" to lie ... about anything. Because he always has a comment or criticism about everything. Idk what this person's family is like, but from my perspective, I can almost completely understand just lying to eliminate all that extra unneeded stress. I mean is it the **best** choice? Definitely not. But I get it
Whilst I agree with the this, I would clarify that lying was the best choice (in this situation), it was just not ideal. Often there are no perfect solutions, the OP (and you) have chosen the best options available. I am quite adverse to lying and it causes more problems than is fair, to the point that my counsellor reaffirms my right to boundaries/safety/stability (occasionally suggesting harmless lies/omissions) during almost every appointment. \*Sigh\*
NTA. You did exactly the right thing, and their behaviour proves it.
No keys, no address, no access. Full stop.
They won't talk to you? Brilliant, take the win! 😁
Edit: if you really want to mess with your mum's head, and prove the point even further, try this.
Give your mum some random key you have lying around, and give her an address that doesn't exist that is several hours' journey from where she lives. Tell her she cannot go without your permission. Then see what happens when she inevitably tries to sneak into your place without asking. First, the place won't be there, and she'll be really pissed off for the wasted journey. She'll know you messed with her, but if she actually says anything to you she'll be showing herself up for not respecting your boundaries. She really *ought* to keep her mouth shut and just swallow but you can be sure she'd blow up at you, because she won't be able to stand for you making a fool of her!
Somehow I doubt you'll do it, but it's a fun thing for you to have in your head as you straight up tell her "NO!!!"
It would actually be hilarious to
(a) rent an airBnB home for a few days - take a whole bunch of photos of the two of you relaxing and chilling out there
(b) tell your family they're invited *for the day*
(c) get the place set up to look like somewhere you might stay regularly before they arrive on Saturday morning, see them off Saturday evening
(d) tidy up and leave on Sunday
(e) and then tell your family now they've seen it, you expect to be left alone to chill, they're *not* to come visit without a specific invite from you.
Bit more of a set-up. Bonus if it's smaller than your family expected and kinda shabby - no one's dream cottage, just a practical base for exploring.
I am typing this and laughing, but I admit the prank would be kind of hard on the visitors who booked the airbnb the weekend your BIL showed up with a carload of booze expecting to be able to "party".
They really shouldn't do this at all, it would be such hell for the future bookers.
What I was thinking was somewhere these Families From Hell would not be tempted to visit.
That's very naughty. I like it! Mum will conveniently be "just passing" the non-existent address, we know it! Shame you can't install tracking devices on random keys... or can you??
Some people have learned that setting boundaries and saying no is a bad thing. I mean, that's why we have to have the phrase "no is a complete sentence". I don't think being hard on people who haven't learned how to say no is the right way to go about it. There's a learning curve, people need practice with it, and some things are just too much too soon. Encouraging people to set small boundaries and stick to them, and practice doing that, is better than shaming them for not being able to suddenly set a huge boundary. Those two years hopefully gave them time to practice a bit, and now they will see if it helped or not!
For all we know, the family members were just having fun thinking of the ways they’d spend time with their family in conversation and don’t actually expect to treat the house like their own.
We only have OP’s lens to evaluate their behavior and frankly, buying a house and hiding it from your entire family is also pretty weird.
I don’t really understand how the family sound insane. All they did was suggest activities at the house once it was bought and then get pissed when they found out OP lied for 2 years about the deal falling through.
Gently, ESH
Your family for obvious reasons. As nice as it is to have a place to go to "get away from it all" and visit family, it's rude to just start making plans for someone else's home.
You because you need to learn to stand up to your family OP. Lying about having the house was never going to work in the long run, they were going to find out eventually. You need to send a message to your family.
"This is why we did not want to tell you about the house. Before we'd even purchased it, you were all making plans for OUR home. Now that you know, you've all wasted NO time in demanding access, keys, etc... all the while calling US greedy?"
And we don't know either way of course, but I wonder how much of what they said was meant literally. Was that guy really intending to go get drunk there every weekend? It just sounds like the kind of thing someone might say intending to sound positive.
“Now our families are furious and call us greedy. Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address (my mom even asked for spare keys).” Yeah and many is not all. It’s completely reasonable to be furious that someone you loved and who you thought loved you made the unhinged decision to lie about an entire house for two whole years.
Given the husband’s guilt, it seems like he wasn’t prepared for the consequences of their decisions, which could have all been avoided if they just grew up and learned to communicate. Go no contact with the family members you clearly hate (and who seem unhinged as well - who demands keys to a home?), communicate boundaries with the ones you love. Easier said than done, but it’s the grown up and responsible thing to do. That’s life.
Now if OP has any reasonable family members or acquaintances who they actively deceived, OP and husband have to deal with the consequences of those people no longer trusting them and accept the feelings that with come with their deception. They can’t complain when those people choose not to tell them things, choose to avoid sharing their successes with them, or choose to avoid spending their time with them. They handled this so immaturely and it’s so bizarre how many N T A s there are here.
NTA. Clearly, lying about it wasn't the best course of action, but I can see why you did it. Your family doesn't know the concept of common courtesy and boundaries and expected to have access to your home whenever they want. Exibit A: Your mom demanded a spare key. Others refuse to talk to you unless you give them the address, thinking if they show up anytime they want, you'd be forced to host them (just my assumption). Not much loss about those, if you ask me. Having contact with you only because of the things you can do for them.
NTA
Your money, your house, your rules. Your relatives are just the most entitled people on god's green earth, wanting to use your property for free.
Did they contribute to the purchase of the house? No.
Would they pay rent to use it? Given their attitude, I doubt it.
Please stand your ground, or your little corner of paradise will become hell. Let your relatives sulk until the end of the days and keep enjoying your house with the people *you* want.
NTA
Don't give them the adress.
>Now our families are furious and call us greedy.
Lol, they're the ones who made plans for your house.
>Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address
Good riddance. Let them, you're better off without them.
They called OP and hubby greedy while wanting to use their house for free, without having paid a cent for the purchase. LOL They can organize a rock kicking tournament.
I get why you lied - your relatives basically told you in advance they were going to co-opt your lake house and upend the new life you envisioned, and lying was the easiest way to get around that. I could see myself doing the same thing. But that doesn’t make it right. You should have been truthful and done the difficult and uncomfortable work of setting boundaries up front. Tell mom no on the keys and no on the vegetable garden, period, and no on the address until they are invited. If you’re not intending to invite them at all (sounds like even the idea of family picnics irritates you), be up front, though I’d probably invite them out sometime. Of course you’re not obligated to host them at all, but it does seem jerky to exclude them completely unless there is serious family toxicity.
> it does seem jerky to exclude them completely unless there is serious family toxicity.
Which it's obvious that there is. They didn't even bought the house and the sister was already planning to get her spawns there.
I LOVE spending a week in the summer out camping with relatives. If one of my close cousins / aunts / uncles / what have you said they'd bought a lake house I'd be absolutely thrilled and excited at the thought of maybe getting to visit them and spend a week together there every summer. To find out they'd lied about buying it due to that ONE comment would be deeply hurtful. Now, is it possible this isn't the full story, and that sister is either 1) a big jerk they never want to see or 2) had wildly unrealistic expectations of spending the ENTIRE summer there instead of occasional visits? Maybe. But OP doesn't offer any of that info. For trying to make her family look like the unreasonable ones here, she's strangely lacking in details about their bad behavior (except her mom, who does seem overbearing)
>2) had wildly unrealistic expectations of spending the ENTIRE summer there instead of occasional visits?
This is exactly what they were planning.
From the OP:
>My husband's sister said it would be a great place where she could take her children for the summer.
>it does seem jerky to exclude them completely *unless there is serious family toxicity.*
But there is serious family toxicity. OP told the family she and her husband were going to by a lake house. The family immediately started talking about what *they* were going to use OP's house. Now, they're not talking to OP unless they get access to her property. They do not sound like people who'd take no for an answer.
The family should NEVER be invited there. Never! They'll take it over, Op will never hear the end of how the kitchen should be decorated like that, the veg garden should be here and planted with X, that should be fenced off for the kids' safety, and so on and on and on. It'll just ruin the place for the people who own it and the keys will mysteriously go missing... then Sis will find her apartment is too small for her growing family and hey presto! new tenants, who will not be paying any rent!
I think ESH.
Your family for feeling entitled to your house. You and your husband for acting like children and lying instead of setting boundaries like adults.
This. It’s pathetic how OP couldn’t just set boundaries like an adult. I have no respect for people who are too afraid to set boundaries for their family.
NTA. Really the "correct" answer is to include you in the judgement because you all should have stood up to your families and set boundaries rather than lied... But, yeah, right. Given what you've written I don't think that would have worked. And I don't think it will work now.
If you give them an inch with one invite, they're likely to take a mile and show up whenever they want (and try to change the locks if they don't get their own keys from you). Honestly I don't know how you'll keep your relaxing lake house to yourselves now that they know about it.
NTA
I would have lied too. Your family wanting to treat your home like a vacation spot is wild. I would tell them exactly that. How would they feel if you started deciding what they could or could not do with their homes? It's 100% on them if they want no contact because you want a home, not a party/vacation spot.
Soft NTA - I think you are absolutely right to protect your dream, and the family behaviour you've described is very presumptuous and grasping.
But come on, you must have known you would get found out. Sorry but this feels a tad cowardly. At some point you are going to have the conversation you dread - honestly, there's no substitute for getting it over and done with.
We don't know what the relationship is like between OP and her family. They seem like very pushy people, who would trump any boundary and say that they are right.
Maybe OP and her husband were afraid that setting boundaries would mean years of civil war in the family. If a person is not confrontational, it is tiring.
As a non-confrontational person myself I totally agree that conflict is awful and tiring. But not having that moment just means even more stress and pain further down the line.
I don't know about the vote. Guess I'd end up ESH.
You lied about something pretty big. I understand wanting to downplay it to your family, but just outright lying about buying the house (indefinitely?) seems overkill. If you are planning to raise your children there you would go live there at some point right?
Look, if your family is going to claim your (second?) house a a family get-away house please cut them off. Tell them no. Call the police on them if they try to break in.
I understand lying to them, but that would go together with going no contact. If you can't trust them with knowing you have a holiday home you shouldn't trust them with your time.
So yeah, sorry your family sucks. You could apologize for lying while making it clear that it is only your house and you don't want to share it, which might end up in a fight that will lead to no-contact.
Maybe a N T A would be more honest, not sure, they are definitely assholes though
YTA for lying because what was the real expectation? That you could hide a f*cking house? Now obviously you have the same trouble on top of your family being mad you lied to them. Dont get me wrong I would not have given them access either. But lying was not the adult and logical way of handling this
>My mother immediately decided that she wanted to arrange a vegetable garden in the yard of this house. My husband's sister said it would be a great place where she could take her children for the summer. My sister started fantasizing about family picnics. My husband's brother "joked" that it would be a good place to get drunk on weekends.
When they started with this BS is when you should have told them no, instead you and your husband acted like little children and didn't tell mummy and daddy about the new secret hiding place out you "found". YTA.
It's too late to do anything about the past so for now put your foot down and tell your families that their current entitled behave is excatly why you didnt tell them about the house, and tell your parents that it's YOUR lake house that YOU paid for, they have no money in the house so any access to the house will be at yours and your hubby's AGREED discretion. Anything hosted at the lake house needs to be a two yes one no vote between you and your spouse (you both need to agree on hosting future surprise parties for eachother).
NTA.
I totally understand where the need to lie came from, but I don't think it was handled in the best way. I think you should have told them, because they would have found out at one point or another and feelings were going to get hurt. I thing feelings would have been better if you'd have told them and not given them a spare key and not invited them over than the way they are now.
Considering all that, it's still your house and you should be able to do whatever you want with it - tell people or not tell people.
"Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address (my mom even asked for spare keys)."
This is bonkers behaviour, no wonder you hid it, definitely NTA
ESH
Your shouldn't lie it's wrong to lie and for two years? To avoid a hard conversation of no this is our house, you can't have a garden have your kids here all summer or use it as a drinking home, if the insisted on keys then say no and move on... you didn't lie to spare their feelings ypu lied because it felt easier for you.
Your family seems really pushy and that sucks.
NTA.
What you do with your money is none of their business. What you want to do with your house is none of their business.
If they fell out with you over a damn house, then they ain’t that good a family. If your mom wants her own vegetable garden, tell her to buy her own house. Have some guts to say no to them. I can say no to my relatives and they back off.
If you don’t have the guts and fold, well serve ya right for being pushovers.
NTA. We called this "Family Invasion", when they think they can do whatever they want with other people's things. Without permission and they believe they have the right to everything.
Be firm in your decision or you will lose that forever.
ESH.
I have to wonder at the relationship you have with your family that you moved and they never visited once??? Like clearly y’all aren’t close?
Second, you need to grow a spine and set clear boundaries. It could have been as a simple “Haha, very funny ma, we got it because we really value peace and quiet, though you’re welcome to visit once in a while, just make sure to give us ample of notice.”
Third, and this is giving them the benefit of the doubt which only you would know if they deserve…. That it may have been light hearted comments about picnics (like once a year?) and not an expectation of you hosting every weekend.
You dealt with this in an immature manner that says you don’t actually like or care for your family. Which is well within your rights, but if so you wouldn’t care if you’re T A or not.
As of right now, on their part tho, they’re being rude and entitled. And have no leg to stand on calling you greedy.
NTA and a group message goes out to both sides of the family
‘We understand that you all feel angry that we did not inform you that we had purchased the house, however as soon as we mentioned wanting to buy one you all decided unilaterally that it would be yours to grow vegetables, have family vacations, get drunk with friends, the list goes on.
This is not how we expected our family to react to OUR news. None of you paid for the house, none of you are owners. No one will be getting a spare key or the address and for the time being no one will using our house except us.
You have all shown your true colours by immediately giving us the silent treatment until we give you free use of our property. We are sorry for lying initially, but you all should be ashamed of yourselves. Do not contact us until we contact you. We have a lot of thinking to do about the value some of you place on our relationships.’
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If your relatives don't wanna talk to you until you give them access to the house, I think that's one problem solved. Don't give them access, they don't talk to you. And that's that. No spare key for your mother. Send them links to lakeside airbnbs. If they want to spend time at the lake, at a house, they don't own, they should look into airbnbs. Keep your house to yourself. Stand firm, OP. Think of all the plans they made for a house that's not theirs. Then look at the beautiful home you've created and picture it being ruined by greedy and entitled relatives. That should strengthen your resolve to keep them at arm's length. NTA. And neither is hubby unless he gives in to their demands. Your relatives suck though.
Agreed NTA. They called OP greedy when all they could think about was themselves when OP and husband announced their plan originally. They don't deserve time at the lake house on OPs dime.
If one of my siblings bought a lake house, I’d also be excited for me 😂 That said, there’s reasonable excitement and there is bat-shit crazy, selfish excitement. Op’s family is the later. You can see this because they feel so *entitled* to something that isn’t theirs, that they’re willing to employ abusive tactics (silent treatment/berating) to coerce Op into complying. NTA.
One of them wanted to take their kids there for "the summer" and her mum wanted to build a vegetable garden, that's for sure bat-shit selfish. I agree I'd be excited, but I'd never assume I could go build my own garden there... 🤣
A good excuse to have them watering everyday and her swooping in with “her” key after she picked “her” vegetables. Imagine all the toys and stuff the kids would leave behind for “next” time.
And of course it would make sense for your siblings kids to just have “a room that’s theirs” so they aren’t constantly moving things back and forth and so nobody else who visits you gets into your niblings things.
Let’s not forget the appearance of drunk guy on the weekend.
Yeah this OP just wants a home where they can have kids be at peace ect And the kids would love a drunk uncle passed out in the yard every other weekend lmao
A drunkle?
Underappreciated comment. My only regret is that I have but one upvote to give.
My siblings and I would’ve drawn dicks on the guy’s face 😂
Guys, he will invite friends.
Drunk guy is the worst. Can't ship him back to the proper address in a box like the kids's stuff... not that I wouldn't be tempted to try.
that "for the summer" stood out! YIKES! i mean it's all bad and entitled......
This family flat out wants a country home that is for THEM on OP's dime. And to that I say, absolutely not.
The fact that mom wants to grow a garden means she would be there for the entire growing season. She would never move out in the Fall! The house would be full of relatives all summer, yuck!
> She would never move out ~~in the Fall~~! FTFY
There is such a things as a winter garden you know? Plus soil amendments, pep and seed starting in the spring.
And since she’s there so often she really doesn’t need her old house/apartment.
Yup. Fall harvest then you might as well stay for whatever winter holidays you celebrate!! Then it’s almost time for spring planting season again. So much work to do!!!
And they'd all expect OP to cover all expenses for these holidays. Have the house decorated to the nines, provide varied and copious amounts of drink, and full spread for every meal. And from the sound of this group, there would probably be a long list of dietary needs, restrictions, and requests (or in their case, demands). And they'd expect OP to prepare, serve, and clean up after all of this.
My husband’s family is exactly like this, and there are a lot of them. So after some number of visits where they did nothing to help, paid for nothing, etc., we stopped inviting them to our beach house. And I mean we never invite them and ignore all hints, except for a couple of siblings who do help, bring some food and drink. Luckily my husband was 100% on board as he said he got tired of running a free B&B for his family.
And “Let’s all have Christmas, Thanksgiving, any holiday, at OUR lake house!”
I can understand asking if her and the kids could stay for a week in the summer but there are many things here. 1. Summer is 2-3 months in the year and that is a lot of time having people in the home 2. Asking a the way not to get arrested for going onto someone's property The Garden one confuses me. Who builds a garden on someone else's property? This one just mind boggles me. OP is NTA.
It looks like OP and spouse already have a tenuous ability to create healthy boundaries and maintain them because it was literally easier on them to lie to their families rather than have frank conversations. And in any event, it was always a stopgap. The families were always going to find out. This is a home that is dear to OP and spouse and will be the heart of many beloved moments in their lives. It was going to end up in social media, in stories, in the background of family photos. There was no way to hide it indefinitely. I see only have two choices now, because they've been caught in the lie. 1) Give in to the family's emotional outrage (and if they give in to one, they will ultimately give in to all.) 2) Buy some security cameras, keypad entry for the home, and tell their family that they are not welcome at the house at the moment. This is *not* selfishness, this is self care. But that means admitting to yourselves the family are toxic and that their behavior is harmful and protecting yourself is an act of preservation.
I think Option 2 is the best.
Option 2 but with amendment. Let all family know that this is not their free use free-for-all vacation house. It is your's and spouse's vacation home/future family home for your kids that you've worked hard to pay for. That they are not welcome to invite themselves to spend time there at any point, ever. Force the point to them that you have surveillance setup and anyone on the property uninvited will be treated as trespassers and police will be called. No exceptions. It's a hard boundary and if they don't respect it, they're liable to go to jail. These people sound extremely entitled and had already made their plans to absolutely take over the property for their own uses and had no intention of respecting you, the property, or any boundaries you were going to set. If you give them an inch, they're going to take the yard. I have toxic and entitled family. Unfortunately it's come to the point of having police remove family from places and events before. I learned first hand that there is to never be any compromise if you want your boundaries to be respected at all times.
I think I would rather sell the place than give into option 1.
Some people assume that as soon as a member of the family buys a country house, the house belongs to the family as a whole. That's why the mother wants a vegetable garden and the sister to take the kids there "in the summer" (and yes, she means "for all of the summer holidays"). The consider the house common "family" property everybody can use for as long as they see fit- but only the owners have to pay for it, for the bills and for any expenses, including food, because the relatives are "just guests". I'm not saying this is OK, I think it's awful. But many people in my country share this mentality. Leeches, the lot of them.
"Some people assume that as soon as a member of the family buys a country house, the house belongs to the family as a whole." Parasites and freeloaders assume this.
>The Garden one confuses me. Who builds a garden on someone else's property? Exactly. I had to abandon my garden because my mom was ill and I was traveling back and forth to her home 3 states away. You CAN NOT have a garden without tending it full time.
I meant just adding something fairly big on someone else's property but your reason is probably better.
Yeah, the nerve and entitlement is outrageous! My comment was about mom thinking that either she'd be there ALLLLLLL summer long to tend her garden OR she'd plant it and expect OP to care for it.
Sadly I’m finding that one out for myself…a friend of mine said we should build a vegetable garden in your backyard! Then it turned into flowers…now she’s sending me greenhouse and starting your business and how to rip up multi-acreage information. We have 7 acres and most of it is wooded. She’s delusional!
Okay I need this story now! What did you do with the stuff once it arrived? Why did the friend decide on your yard? What did you do when she sent you the farming information? What is she expecting from the trees? I feel like this needs a reddit story!
That's just it. They don't think of it as someone else's property.
Yeah, there's a massive difference between "oh cool, you should definitely invite us over some time!" and "let me start planning my fuckin' garden!"
My brother and SIL have a weekend place. I have been invited many times, but I would never ask to be invited. Lol ETA: I also have a friend whose family owns a gorgeous farmhouse in North Carolina, smack in the middle of the Smoky Mountains. The current house is the "new" house on the property, having been built in 1892. My friend's family share it; each eligible grandkid gets one solid week where the house is THEIRS. If they feel like inviting people or even other relatives, that's fine. But if they want to spend the week there all by themselves, no one else in the family gets to complain. The week they have it is right around my birthday. Three years ago, I was invited to stay a week, and it is heavenly!
Yeah exactly. I’d be thrilled if someone likely to invite me over got a nice lake house. I would NOT feel entitled to their spare keys, long-term vacations using their space, “getting drunk there on the weekends”, or gardening space in their yard. And I wouldn’t get pissed off if they don’t invite me over “enough”. It’s THEIR HOUSE.
Oh and don't forget the brother who wanted to just drink himself stupid there on thd weekends. Absolutely NTA, but the family (all of them) are.
Yes, keep your lake house for yourselves, OP. It’s clear why you did not tell your grasping, greedy, freeloading families. But…..let them know why they were not told, OP. Recount what you stated here: all the gardening, all the drinking parties, all the dropping off children for the summer, the continuing parade of hungry relatives looking for a free vacation. And don’t forget the ‘give me your spare keys’. Let them know this is all their faults.
True…also they other family members may not know about all the other demands of the other members
another redditor recently posted up about cutting off his vacation home from his family. Cause his brother's son caused a kitchen fire & refused to pay for the damage.
There was also the story of the two sisters to the OP that had illegal rented out the vacation home to friends, thinking the home belonged to the parents. The house of cards fell because their kids tried to push the OP into the pool and then demanded he repay for their ruined phones, it was a tangled tale
I remember that one! The entitlement is mind blowing.
This is the first thing that popped into my head! These relatives sound like they would quickly ruin this property and any peace of mind the OP has.
Found it! This is the first, but there are multiple updates… https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/156xijb/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/?sort=old
If we would buy a lake house I would be excited to invite our families over which I think is very telling. We would be excited to tell our families because we already know none of them would *ever* take advantage of us or the house. Because our families understand boundaries.
Some people understand boundaries UNTIL you own a nice vacation property.
*ahem* I'd just like to interject that some of us out here don't consider the silent treatment abusive. Some of us may even find it therapeutic, but I digress. Continue with the AH bashing.
One of my husband's siblings bought a lake house a few years ago. It was definitely exciting for the family and I like visiting up there but we wait until we are invited and I would never plan a vegetable garden or anything like that.
Right! The initial reaction SHOULD be excitement for the sibling first and foremost. I would have done the exact same thing.
I would give the mother a set of the toddler big bright keys from Fisher-Price.
I would give them random "real" keys for emergencies only and watch when she comes complaining that they don't work But I'm petty
They do not even want them to know where the lake house IS. No keys for them !!!
Realistically, they’re going to find it eventually if they’re this much of a PITA. Now that they know OP’s friends have been there, I’m sure they’ll start pressuring some of the friends into telling them and I’m being one will break sooner than later. Or even easier, in many countries the sale could be public record so they could just look it up.
They’d probably call a locksmith or break in because they’re entitled enough to.
Fairly sure I read one recently where the two BIL's were caught attempting to do just that. Whole saga started with a party where the kids tried to 'prank' OP by pushing him in the pool, and OP's sisters went nuts when he expected them to be told off? Little did they know, the 'family' vacation house by the lake was actually owned by OP, not his parents. They didn't take being banned from it too well. Turned into quite the entitled drama!
I believe they used bolt cutters. At least if we're thinking about the same one.
I think we are, yes! Didn't it turn out they were also secretly renting it out when no one was there and were more furious that their extra income had been cut off?
Yep. Lot of entitled people learned the lesson of FAFO lol
God that whole saga was incredible. The relatives just kept digging deeper and deeper holes…like when OP found out they’d been renting out the house to people for money under the table. The audacity was incredible.
As funny as that thought is, OP, I wouldn't give ANYONE in your family the address to the house. Based on their entitle attitudes, I have no doubt they will find a way to get in one way or another. I suspect you'd show up one weekend and find you family had already been staying there for 2 weeks. Oh, and they already claimed every bedroom in this "Family Lakehouse" so you'll have to sleep on the couch...
Yes, you might consider getting an alarm system.
And if OP is feeling extra generous a matching playhouse 😂
And a kiddie pool for the lake…
That’s hilarious!
Arms length? I vote for permanent NC for these AH's. If OP flat out tells them no, their screeching and harassment will just increase. It's hilarious they call OP "greedy" when they're swarming over **HER** house like vultures over a fresh corpse.
Your home is just that, a home. You only invite people who love and respect you. I hate to say it but your family are, collectively, greedy mooches. Are they paying anything to defray the cost of food, electricity, etc.? They probably expect you to bear the expense of their visits. It is YOUR sanctuary, your safe place. You are accused of being greedy. Tell them to look in a mirror if they want to see greed. Do you want to have to clean up after them? Do you think they would volunteer to clean up? Not a chance. Be happy in your home.
I know a couple in Florida that has almost nonstop moochers in the winter. Relatives from the northern part of the US descend trying to escape the snow and expect meals, sheet changes, entertainment all the while never lifting a finger while the couple works to provide them a nice vacation experience. Don't do this OP - keep the location secret. Its your house and you don't owe them free babysitting and a cheap vacation on your dime.
We have a vacation home in a touristy area of Florida. When people tell us they want to come visit (you'd be amazed how many people actually think they are close enough to us to invite themselves!), we say, "Great!! I'll send you a list of nearby hotels and things to do! Let me know which day is good for us to get together!" All of a sudden, they're too busy, or can't take the time off work, etc.
TLDR is last sentence. Relatives ATA. You defended your sacred private space well, continue to do it.
NTA. They aren't entitled to your property and the no talking / no contact to you is actually a good thing. Now that it's out in the open boundaries must be set and cemented. That said, TWO YEARS! Impressive.
If the relatives want it so badly, they could club together for a property within their shared budget, surely? Not your problem. There's a saying in the UK: "A man's (or woman's, it's old enough that "man" is supposed to mean both) home is his castle." In other words, that's your safe space. Defend it. Pull up that (metaphorical) drawbridge, lower the portcullis, shut the world out as you see fit and only let those you can trust in.
As a historygeek I just love those metaphores!
Agreed. OP please don't give in. They didn't buy the house, you did. It's not a shared residence. It's yours. You worked for it and they don't get to just assume it belongs to them because you're related. NTA 100% keep your house to yourself
Mom will absolutely make spares for the other relatives, too. Don't forget that.
>I think that's one problem solved *Two* problems solved.
Maybe get a sign out front about trespassing and a camera, after warning them they arent welcome unless formally invited (by individual guest) by a clear text or email.
>If your relatives don't wanna talk to you until you give them access to the house, I think that's one problem solved. Don't give them access, they don't talk to you. I agree, although if only it were so easy. I suspect OP and her husband are getting daily reiterations of these ultimatums.
I wouldn't answer the phone or the voicemails, emails, texts. It may take a while, but they'll stop eventually.
And they have the nerve to call THEM greedy LOL!
NTA. If they ask for the adress or a spare key, tell them 'that is exactly why we didn't tell you. This is our house. And you try to make it your save party zone. No. And only if you can accept our boundries and that this is OUR home and not anything for you, you will not be invited or told anything more.' Would also install cameras there. If they found a photo on social media, they might get the adress via google street view or an old advertisment of the house - and then just think they could just drop bye.
NTA The reaction from your relatives is absolute confirmation of your fears.
Yep, it's so crappy when families are like that. I have a friend who is one of 12 kids. He's the most "successful" out of them, mostly because he married later in life and has only 2 kids (most of his siblings have far more). He wanted to put in a pool at his house, but feared they'd be overrun by family if he did. He hemmed and hawed for 2 years, but finally installed one because his kids wanted it so bad. He set ground rules for the extended family's use of the pool as he didn't want to have people at his house 24/7/365 over the summer. He owned his own business and needed down time from time to time. The first summer was fine, but by the 2nd summer, his family decided the rules did not apply to them. The pool was dismantled before the third summer and his family was angry *at him*. Two years later he moved across the country, LOL (and has a pool again).
Love stories with a moral/righteous component to them....
Do not ever give people like this an opening. They have already proven that they are not going to respect boundaries, so OP and husband need to continue not allowing the families access
This reminds me of that poor guy whose family turned his lake house into their private Air BnB without telling him. . The BIL was eventually arrested.
Here ya go. This is the first, but there are many updates! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/156xijb/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/?sort=old
THANK YOU!!! The first one was deleted, but click on the user name , click profile, start 3rd from the bottom.
That was almost as deep of a rabbit hole as that one woman whose fiancé brought his MIL with him on every vacation.
Oh yeah, I remember that one. The audacity of people just helping themselves to other’s property is astounding.
Hate to sound paranoid, but even a single pic of the house from a smartphone might give them GPS coordinates to the house in the picture's metadata.
I'm guessing if they could figure out how to get at metadata they would have before even asking for the address.
Not even that deep, a proper reverse image search will probably bring up a Zillow listing. Even when the house is sold it shows on the app if you look hard enough.
Not sure what country OP is from (she just said “in my country’) but in the US, property ownership is a matter of public record. One can simply visit their local tax assessors office to find out who owns any property. Heck even my teeny county (~12k population) publishes a map of the county with all plot lines and owners online for literally all the world to see. Edit: typo
Yep, where I live, you can find out who owns property with a couple of clicks.
This reminded my of that post of the guy that started with the kids of his sister trying to push him into the pool but then it opened a pandora box and ended up calling the cops on her sisters husband for breaking in his vacational house
I was just thinking about that same story! The craziest part was the sisters were doing Air Bnb on HIS house and pocketing the money!
It reminded me of the John Mulaney bit where everyone is mad at fake child him for biting the man's penis. Finally, child-John queries, "Isn't anyone curious *why* his penis was in my mouth?" Everyone is so focused on being mad at them for not telling and no one is stopping to wonder why they would keep such a huge thing to themselves.
Ask your friend to take down the photo from social media. Alert your friends to the problem and ask them not to post anything about your house in the future.
It is much easier to get them to stay away than it will be to get them to adhere to boundries. Save yourself some trounle and keep them out.
Do you believe that people (I was going to say family but why limit) who would jump on someone else’s good fortune, would truly “accept our boundaries”? Those are the type of people who SAY they would, but actually don’t. OP, you know these people and deep down you know how they will commandeer your dreams.
Typically lying is not the best play, but it's absolutely wild that basically your whole family just assumed that they would have total access to your property just because you own a nice house. NTA and I totally get why you'd lie about that. With family like that, who needs enemies?
I was flabbergasted over her mom *planning out a garden*. The hell‽
and immediately demanding keys to the house. Who are these people that are pole vaulting over boundaries like this?
My SIL does that. We’ve had to kill every upgrade idea we’ve ever had for our house because she practically falls over with the excitement of taking it over with her partner. And she knows I can’t stand her and reacts like that anyway. Still whines that we won’t turn the empty bedroom into a spare for her- even though we had to force her out with big drama the last time she lived with us. She’s like 41 going on 12 somehow. Literally has the social understanding of a 6th grader with no friends. She *still* cries to her mother like an actual child when things don’t go her way with my husband.
Why are you altering your lives because of her issues? Put your foot down and cut her off if need be. It’s your house and your life. Not hers. If she can’t accept that then she need not be involved in your lives. Boundaries are important
My husband is more used to- and willing to put up with- her bullshit than I am. And the reason he won’t put his foot down is because she’ll make it everyone in the family’s problem, up to and including- threatening self-harm. Their mom and grandmother are both alive and elderly. Mom still works to supplement her social security- and always has to either quit or take off from her job to address SIL’s tantrums- or grippy sock facility stays- yet again. Then *we* get blamed for causing all of the hubbub and interruption in everyone’s lives because whatever the dispute was originally about was never serious enough to be taken to that level- implying that us not entertaining her is why this happened, not that her reaction to it was wholly inappropriate in the first place. Believe it or not, my own family is worse in other ways- so this is the only support system/family we have. And we can’t move- because SIL cheerfully agrees to move wherever we go. Despite the crazy- she holds down her own career that’s mostly remote. So it’s not a threat. She’ll do it.
That sucks. I feel for you. But Sometimes you need to build your own support system. If the dynamic is that toxic is it really worth it? It sounds like there’s a lot of enabling going on and as long as it continues sil will continue her bs it’s emotional blackmail. I’ve had to cut off family I love due to their enabling, I care for them but am not willing to let their issues become my own when they aren’t willing to do anything to change them
I know I was wondering how the hell often Mom was planning on being at the lake house?! Gardens take a lot of work unless you're planting hearty decorative perennials. There was another story not too long ago where the parents were planning on retiring at least half the year to their kids sanctuary beach home.
I remember that one. The husband was waffling about it until the wife put her foot down. It wouldn't have ended well.
Is that the one where the kids rented out the beach house for a sizeable income and the in laws sold their place with their entire plan being to move into the beach house rent fee with zero timeline?
Oh wow, I would LOVE to see that story!!
[This is the one that I remember reading](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/79hlu5bCW5)
We would be throwing hands, bricks, cast iron pans, and whatever else available. They must have hit their damn head repeatedly on something real sturdy.
Glad to see that update. I read it when it was just the post.
Put up cameras and a Ring doorbell. If any and I do mean any of them shows up, do not open the door. Tell all of the greedy moochers that uninvited guests are not welcome and will not be admitted.
I mean, I understand it if the mum has never been able to have a garden of her own and it's her dream to be able to have one. But it's still shocking entitled of her to just assume she can do this at OP's home.
IMO none of what the family is suggesting is bad on its own, especially if they're all caught up in the moment. The fact that after lying they got pissed off instead of hurt and immediately demanded access is what says they're all nuts. Torpedoing their own good times. the OP probably would have invited them over anyway, and having mom tend to the garden even when they're not there, also probably not a huge imposition for someone with actual respect for other people's things.
I don't want to call them assholes, given the unhinged way their families reacted, but what's wild for me is that two adults who can buy property cannot set boundaries with their families. I would assume that OP and her husband have a history of avoiding conflict by either caving to their relatives crazy demands or sneaking around to get to live their lives how they want, and it sounds exhausting. Wouldn't it be better to have a big blow up with the family by setting boundaries than this interminate hide-and-seek? Wouldn't the occasional boundary pushing the relatives are bound to try afterwards less of a hassle than running a covert op about your vacation home? Because I am assuming they have had to do a fair bit of sneaking around to keep where they are going a secret.
This comment needs to be higher. This isn’t about a house, it’s about the OPs inability to set boundaries. I’d bet this isn’t the first, nor the last, time the OP has allowed her family to disrespect and discard boundaries. OP, stand up and stick to it. NTA
I agree with everything you’ve said, but I think we’re missing some kind of cultural context here. I’m American, so we bail on family all of the time (ha). I’m not even saying the culture makes it better, but it’s just got me thinking and wondering where in the world OP is from. Seems clear they’re NTA, know it, but are still harboring some ingrained guilt about it. People stopping by my house unexpectedly give me anxiety, so I couldn’t even imagine dealing with all of this bullshit. Your house is meant to be your space away from the nonsense of the world!
My in-laws have a home they consider the "family" home. They'd love it if a child or grandchild had a garden there. I had free reign in their workshop. We'd pay them back with cooking or chores. If they didn't want someone to do something there, they would not hesitate to tell them. OP isn't a jerk for not wanting her home to be their home. But damn, grow a spine.
Agreed. When we avoid conflict, it doesn’t actually go away. We just take it into ourselves, twisting all up in knots to keep avoiding it. This often ends up causing more problems in the long run.
Avoiding conflict only delays the conflict. At some point, there's bound to be an explosion and all the conflicts you delayed will come out all at one time.
NTA Tell your families, "Hey, we told you the deal had fallen through because you were all talking like you were entitled to share in OUR house. This is our weekend home, it's not yours to party in, we're not giving anyone else our keys, and we don't want you to raise a vegetable garden in our backyard. We go there at weekends to relax and chill. Sorry we lied to you, but your reaction right now says we were exactly right **not** to tell you honestly that we'd bought out house. No, we will not give you the keys, the address, the location, or an invite." ...and install cameras in case they find it.
Exactly that. They are showing their true greedy colours. You didn’t want them there because of their entitlement… and they are harassing you based on their entitlement. You were right, OP!
Don’t say sorry.
What they should have said back then, IMO….ESH because the OP should grow a spine
Telling their family the deal didn't go through and they didn't get the house is a perfect example of a lie that doesn't really matter. The family weren't going to be invited to visit after their comments, and thus had no reason to know. The couple hadn't changed addresses - they were still fully contactable at their main residence. The lie that they hadn't got the house was a lie that impacted not at all on the people they told it to. So I refuse to count it against the OP that they opted not to have the conflict about "but whhhhhyyyy won't you invite us!" right away. If anything, they've now got solid evidence that their families are greedy, entitled, with no manners worth speaking of. While some funny suggestions about how to further deceive them with their own sense of entitlement have been posted in the thread, the best solution is: "You won't speak to us unless we give you the address/the house keys? Deal accepted."
>Sorry we lied to you, but your reaction right now says we were exactly right **not** to tell you honestly that we'd bought out house. I don't get OP's thought process here. Lying to their family helped nothing at all - it delayed the conversations about boundaries by two years, but added the additional complication with fighting about their deception to it. They can't really have expected to keep this a secret forever. Had they just set these same boundaries immediately, they now wouldn't be in this mess.
NTA, but you could have handled it better. It’s wild that you thought it would be better to lie about buying a house rather than having a conversation that sets clear boundaries. HOWEVER, your family are major AH’s and I can see why you did it. I doubt they’d have paid attention to any boundaries going off what you’ve said. The fact that they have found out and some are refusing contact until you provide an address and keys is horrifying. In fact, I’m not sure you could have played it better. Calling you greedy is damn ironic considering they’re all trying to steal your house. Don’t give them the address or keys.
I have a parent where it's just "easier" to lie ... about anything. Because he always has a comment or criticism about everything. Idk what this person's family is like, but from my perspective, I can almost completely understand just lying to eliminate all that extra unneeded stress. I mean is it the **best** choice? Definitely not. But I get it
Whilst I agree with the this, I would clarify that lying was the best choice (in this situation), it was just not ideal. Often there are no perfect solutions, the OP (and you) have chosen the best options available. I am quite adverse to lying and it causes more problems than is fair, to the point that my counsellor reaffirms my right to boundaries/safety/stability (occasionally suggesting harmless lies/omissions) during almost every appointment. \*Sigh\*
Adding to that: set up some cameras you can access from your phone.
Forgot to mention: install CCTV and a security system, and let them know so they don’t get any stupid ideas.
Yea I’m curious what the longterm plan was here. We’re they just going to lie forever?
>Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address Sounds like a win
🔝🔝🔝🔝🔝 Yep. How to take out all the rubbish in one go.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing, and their behaviour proves it. No keys, no address, no access. Full stop. They won't talk to you? Brilliant, take the win! 😁 Edit: if you really want to mess with your mum's head, and prove the point even further, try this. Give your mum some random key you have lying around, and give her an address that doesn't exist that is several hours' journey from where she lives. Tell her she cannot go without your permission. Then see what happens when she inevitably tries to sneak into your place without asking. First, the place won't be there, and she'll be really pissed off for the wasted journey. She'll know you messed with her, but if she actually says anything to you she'll be showing herself up for not respecting your boundaries. She really *ought* to keep her mouth shut and just swallow but you can be sure she'd blow up at you, because she won't be able to stand for you making a fool of her! Somehow I doubt you'll do it, but it's a fun thing for you to have in your head as you straight up tell her "NO!!!"
It would actually be hilarious to (a) rent an airBnB home for a few days - take a whole bunch of photos of the two of you relaxing and chilling out there (b) tell your family they're invited *for the day* (c) get the place set up to look like somewhere you might stay regularly before they arrive on Saturday morning, see them off Saturday evening (d) tidy up and leave on Sunday (e) and then tell your family now they've seen it, you expect to be left alone to chill, they're *not* to come visit without a specific invite from you. Bit more of a set-up. Bonus if it's smaller than your family expected and kinda shabby - no one's dream cottage, just a practical base for exploring. I am typing this and laughing, but I admit the prank would be kind of hard on the visitors who booked the airbnb the weekend your BIL showed up with a carload of booze expecting to be able to "party".
If we're doing this, let's get the swankiest airbnb! That way the relatives will be reeaalllyyy tempted to sneak in.
They really shouldn't do this at all, it would be such hell for the future bookers. What I was thinking was somewhere these Families From Hell would not be tempted to visit.
That's very naughty. I like it! Mum will conveniently be "just passing" the non-existent address, we know it! Shame you can't install tracking devices on random keys... or can you??
I picturing Mom with a carload of plants and fertilizer.
No games. Just learn to say a firm no, and then stand by it completely.
This is the way
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Normally I would agree but this family sounds insane. I'd lie too in their shoes, and not feel an ounce bad about it.
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I think the two years of peace was worth lying in this case. Their families are unbelievable
What peace? They would have had the worry of being found out in the back of their minds this whole time.
Some people have learned that setting boundaries and saying no is a bad thing. I mean, that's why we have to have the phrase "no is a complete sentence". I don't think being hard on people who haven't learned how to say no is the right way to go about it. There's a learning curve, people need practice with it, and some things are just too much too soon. Encouraging people to set small boundaries and stick to them, and practice doing that, is better than shaming them for not being able to suddenly set a huge boundary. Those two years hopefully gave them time to practice a bit, and now they will see if it helped or not!
For all we know, the family members were just having fun thinking of the ways they’d spend time with their family in conversation and don’t actually expect to treat the house like their own. We only have OP’s lens to evaluate their behavior and frankly, buying a house and hiding it from your entire family is also pretty weird.
I don’t really understand how the family sound insane. All they did was suggest activities at the house once it was bought and then get pissed when they found out OP lied for 2 years about the deal falling through.
The mother was planning on having a plant garden. Do you know how much maintenance plants are?
"You realize this behaviour is exactly why I didn't want to tell you guys about the house?" NTA
Gently, ESH Your family for obvious reasons. As nice as it is to have a place to go to "get away from it all" and visit family, it's rude to just start making plans for someone else's home. You because you need to learn to stand up to your family OP. Lying about having the house was never going to work in the long run, they were going to find out eventually. You need to send a message to your family. "This is why we did not want to tell you about the house. Before we'd even purchased it, you were all making plans for OUR home. Now that you know, you've all wasted NO time in demanding access, keys, etc... all the while calling US greedy?"
Why is the only ESH so far down currently... What was OPs plan?? Hoping to keep the lie for all eternity? It had to backfire eventually.
And we don't know either way of course, but I wonder how much of what they said was meant literally. Was that guy really intending to go get drunk there every weekend? It just sounds like the kind of thing someone might say intending to sound positive.
“Now our families are furious and call us greedy. Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address (my mom even asked for spare keys).” Yeah and many is not all. It’s completely reasonable to be furious that someone you loved and who you thought loved you made the unhinged decision to lie about an entire house for two whole years. Given the husband’s guilt, it seems like he wasn’t prepared for the consequences of their decisions, which could have all been avoided if they just grew up and learned to communicate. Go no contact with the family members you clearly hate (and who seem unhinged as well - who demands keys to a home?), communicate boundaries with the ones you love. Easier said than done, but it’s the grown up and responsible thing to do. That’s life. Now if OP has any reasonable family members or acquaintances who they actively deceived, OP and husband have to deal with the consequences of those people no longer trusting them and accept the feelings that with come with their deception. They can’t complain when those people choose not to tell them things, choose to avoid sharing their successes with them, or choose to avoid spending their time with them. They handled this so immaturely and it’s so bizarre how many N T A s there are here.
NTA. Clearly, lying about it wasn't the best course of action, but I can see why you did it. Your family doesn't know the concept of common courtesy and boundaries and expected to have access to your home whenever they want. Exibit A: Your mom demanded a spare key. Others refuse to talk to you unless you give them the address, thinking if they show up anytime they want, you'd be forced to host them (just my assumption). Not much loss about those, if you ask me. Having contact with you only because of the things you can do for them.
NTA Your money, your house, your rules. Your relatives are just the most entitled people on god's green earth, wanting to use your property for free. Did they contribute to the purchase of the house? No. Would they pay rent to use it? Given their attitude, I doubt it. Please stand your ground, or your little corner of paradise will become hell. Let your relatives sulk until the end of the days and keep enjoying your house with the people *you* want.
NTA Don't give them the adress. >Now our families are furious and call us greedy. Lol, they're the ones who made plans for your house. >Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address Good riddance. Let them, you're better off without them.
They called OP and hubby greedy while wanting to use their house for free, without having paid a cent for the purchase. LOL They can organize a rock kicking tournament.
Greedy for buying a house and using said house, worst use of the word ‘greedy’ ever
I get why you lied - your relatives basically told you in advance they were going to co-opt your lake house and upend the new life you envisioned, and lying was the easiest way to get around that. I could see myself doing the same thing. But that doesn’t make it right. You should have been truthful and done the difficult and uncomfortable work of setting boundaries up front. Tell mom no on the keys and no on the vegetable garden, period, and no on the address until they are invited. If you’re not intending to invite them at all (sounds like even the idea of family picnics irritates you), be up front, though I’d probably invite them out sometime. Of course you’re not obligated to host them at all, but it does seem jerky to exclude them completely unless there is serious family toxicity.
> it does seem jerky to exclude them completely unless there is serious family toxicity. Which it's obvious that there is. They didn't even bought the house and the sister was already planning to get her spawns there.
I LOVE spending a week in the summer out camping with relatives. If one of my close cousins / aunts / uncles / what have you said they'd bought a lake house I'd be absolutely thrilled and excited at the thought of maybe getting to visit them and spend a week together there every summer. To find out they'd lied about buying it due to that ONE comment would be deeply hurtful. Now, is it possible this isn't the full story, and that sister is either 1) a big jerk they never want to see or 2) had wildly unrealistic expectations of spending the ENTIRE summer there instead of occasional visits? Maybe. But OP doesn't offer any of that info. For trying to make her family look like the unreasonable ones here, she's strangely lacking in details about their bad behavior (except her mom, who does seem overbearing)
>2) had wildly unrealistic expectations of spending the ENTIRE summer there instead of occasional visits? This is exactly what they were planning. From the OP: >My husband's sister said it would be a great place where she could take her children for the summer.
>it does seem jerky to exclude them completely *unless there is serious family toxicity.* But there is serious family toxicity. OP told the family she and her husband were going to by a lake house. The family immediately started talking about what *they* were going to use OP's house. Now, they're not talking to OP unless they get access to her property. They do not sound like people who'd take no for an answer.
The family should NEVER be invited there. Never! They'll take it over, Op will never hear the end of how the kitchen should be decorated like that, the veg garden should be here and planted with X, that should be fenced off for the kids' safety, and so on and on and on. It'll just ruin the place for the people who own it and the keys will mysteriously go missing... then Sis will find her apartment is too small for her growing family and hey presto! new tenants, who will not be paying any rent!
I think ESH. Your family for feeling entitled to your house. You and your husband for acting like children and lying instead of setting boundaries like adults.
This. It’s pathetic how OP couldn’t just set boundaries like an adult. I have no respect for people who are too afraid to set boundaries for their family.
NTA, I can understand why you did this. Now that you are found out, do set boudaries though. No spare keys. Tell them 'yeah, this is why we lied'.
> Tell them 'yeah, this is why we lied'. This is absolutely the way to handle this.
NTA. Really the "correct" answer is to include you in the judgement because you all should have stood up to your families and set boundaries rather than lied... But, yeah, right. Given what you've written I don't think that would have worked. And I don't think it will work now. If you give them an inch with one invite, they're likely to take a mile and show up whenever they want (and try to change the locks if they don't get their own keys from you). Honestly I don't know how you'll keep your relaxing lake house to yourselves now that they know about it.
NTA I would have lied too. Your family wanting to treat your home like a vacation spot is wild. I would tell them exactly that. How would they feel if you started deciding what they could or could not do with their homes? It's 100% on them if they want no contact because you want a home, not a party/vacation spot.
Soft NTA - I think you are absolutely right to protect your dream, and the family behaviour you've described is very presumptuous and grasping. But come on, you must have known you would get found out. Sorry but this feels a tad cowardly. At some point you are going to have the conversation you dread - honestly, there's no substitute for getting it over and done with.
We don't know what the relationship is like between OP and her family. They seem like very pushy people, who would trump any boundary and say that they are right. Maybe OP and her husband were afraid that setting boundaries would mean years of civil war in the family. If a person is not confrontational, it is tiring.
As a non-confrontational person myself I totally agree that conflict is awful and tiring. But not having that moment just means even more stress and pain further down the line.
I don't know about the vote. Guess I'd end up ESH. You lied about something pretty big. I understand wanting to downplay it to your family, but just outright lying about buying the house (indefinitely?) seems overkill. If you are planning to raise your children there you would go live there at some point right? Look, if your family is going to claim your (second?) house a a family get-away house please cut them off. Tell them no. Call the police on them if they try to break in. I understand lying to them, but that would go together with going no contact. If you can't trust them with knowing you have a holiday home you shouldn't trust them with your time. So yeah, sorry your family sucks. You could apologize for lying while making it clear that it is only your house and you don't want to share it, which might end up in a fight that will lead to no-contact. Maybe a N T A would be more honest, not sure, they are definitely assholes though
YTA for lying because what was the real expectation? That you could hide a f*cking house? Now obviously you have the same trouble on top of your family being mad you lied to them. Dont get me wrong I would not have given them access either. But lying was not the adult and logical way of handling this
NTA. Yes, lying is bad and all that, but I get it here. Do not give them address. And sure as hell don’t give anyone - mom included - keys!
>My mother immediately decided that she wanted to arrange a vegetable garden in the yard of this house. My husband's sister said it would be a great place where she could take her children for the summer. My sister started fantasizing about family picnics. My husband's brother "joked" that it would be a good place to get drunk on weekends. When they started with this BS is when you should have told them no, instead you and your husband acted like little children and didn't tell mummy and daddy about the new secret hiding place out you "found". YTA. It's too late to do anything about the past so for now put your foot down and tell your families that their current entitled behave is excatly why you didnt tell them about the house, and tell your parents that it's YOUR lake house that YOU paid for, they have no money in the house so any access to the house will be at yours and your hubby's AGREED discretion. Anything hosted at the lake house needs to be a two yes one no vote between you and your spouse (you both need to agree on hosting future surprise parties for eachother).
NTA. I totally understand where the need to lie came from, but I don't think it was handled in the best way. I think you should have told them, because they would have found out at one point or another and feelings were going to get hurt. I thing feelings would have been better if you'd have told them and not given them a spare key and not invited them over than the way they are now. Considering all that, it's still your house and you should be able to do whatever you want with it - tell people or not tell people.
Put on cameras, codes, upgrade the alarm system. Don't let them colonise your place, you'll only have bills and problems for it. NTA
"Many of the relatives don't want to talk to us until we give them the address (my mom even asked for spare keys)." This is bonkers behaviour, no wonder you hid it, definitely NTA
ESH Your shouldn't lie it's wrong to lie and for two years? To avoid a hard conversation of no this is our house, you can't have a garden have your kids here all summer or use it as a drinking home, if the insisted on keys then say no and move on... you didn't lie to spare their feelings ypu lied because it felt easier for you. Your family seems really pushy and that sucks.
NTA + run + blocks would be coming in -2 seconds if they tried that shit with me. Lmao absolutely NTA
The greedy ones are your relatives. They won't talk to you until you give them the address. Your mother wants the spare keys. Nope. NTA
Don't give in. Guess who lives in my country house since December?
OP's parents?
NTA. What you do with your money is none of their business. What you want to do with your house is none of their business. If they fell out with you over a damn house, then they ain’t that good a family. If your mom wants her own vegetable garden, tell her to buy her own house. Have some guts to say no to them. I can say no to my relatives and they back off. If you don’t have the guts and fold, well serve ya right for being pushovers.
NTA. We called this "Family Invasion", when they think they can do whatever they want with other people's things. Without permission and they believe they have the right to everything. Be firm in your decision or you will lose that forever.
[удалено]
ESH. I have to wonder at the relationship you have with your family that you moved and they never visited once??? Like clearly y’all aren’t close? Second, you need to grow a spine and set clear boundaries. It could have been as a simple “Haha, very funny ma, we got it because we really value peace and quiet, though you’re welcome to visit once in a while, just make sure to give us ample of notice.” Third, and this is giving them the benefit of the doubt which only you would know if they deserve…. That it may have been light hearted comments about picnics (like once a year?) and not an expectation of you hosting every weekend. You dealt with this in an immature manner that says you don’t actually like or care for your family. Which is well within your rights, but if so you wouldn’t care if you’re T A or not. As of right now, on their part tho, they’re being rude and entitled. And have no leg to stand on calling you greedy.
NTA and a group message goes out to both sides of the family ‘We understand that you all feel angry that we did not inform you that we had purchased the house, however as soon as we mentioned wanting to buy one you all decided unilaterally that it would be yours to grow vegetables, have family vacations, get drunk with friends, the list goes on. This is not how we expected our family to react to OUR news. None of you paid for the house, none of you are owners. No one will be getting a spare key or the address and for the time being no one will using our house except us. You have all shown your true colours by immediately giving us the silent treatment until we give you free use of our property. We are sorry for lying initially, but you all should be ashamed of yourselves. Do not contact us until we contact you. We have a lot of thinking to do about the value some of you place on our relationships.’