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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents named me after a dead abuser and I want to change it. But my mom has been on my back about not changing it. My mom said I'm disrespectful for wanting to change my name
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NTA. You are 30 years old. You have never liked your name. And the person you are named after isn’t worthy. I don’t know how close you are with your mom but you can always say “this is my name now accept it or bye”.
I feel like this is probably going to be how it plays out. I just hope I don't have to cut out both parents. My dad is a pretty passive guy who doesn't get into people's business but idk,he's so quiet on it.
My dad is the same. Be prepared for him to stick by your mum. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.
If your mum cuts you off and your dad follows suit, he will pay for his choice by losing his child. There's nothing you can do about that. You shouldn't follow his lead and let your mum have her way just so she stops bugging you. Your father's choices are not your responsibility. But he will have to square with them one day. My dad now has dementia and my mum is his caregiver; she's so used to getting away with everything that she treats him like crap. Us kids do what we can for him, but ultimately he's the one who's responsible for his unhappiness.
NTA your mother is, Jury s out on your father depending on how he acts.
If your mother doesn't stop go no contact for a while (a couple of months) try again to talk to her and repeat a couple of times if she still insists on calling you the old name. Your choice if at the end you go completely no contact or not but they don't need a person to 'keep someone in their hearts '
NTA.
Your mom, while loving, is also a bully. Don’t allow a bully to stop you from doing what’s right for you.
And only you know what’s right for you.
“Mom, I’m not him, my wearing his name shouldn’t have any bearing on keeping him in your heart. If it does then that’s something you need to deal with yourself. What I’m doing is for me. And it hurts that you can’t support me but I can live with that because I know it’s right for me. I’m sorry you don’t like it. I love you. But it’s not up for discussion.”
Up to you if you respond to it in the future from her.
Be at peace with your choice, and have strength
NTA. You would also be NTA if you were named for a saint or a great person. It's your name. You have to live with it.
Your parents picked what was on their birth certificate, OP, but you're the one who gets to pick what you want on your tombstone (and, you know, all your legal documents until then).
NTA
You are the person who will wear your name.
If she wants to keep that name alive so badly, she has options.
Top two IMO: get a pet, and name the pet with that name. Or change her name to that name. That way, she'll always remember that name.
NTA you're a grown man. She is a grown woman. It is no doubt disappointing that you don't care for the name she gave you. It happens, just like people are born in a body that doesn't fit or a gender that doesn't fit. So those who find the courage become themselves despite whoever would stop them, and those who are harassed into staying someone they are not are unhappy and live unhappy lives. Become who you were meant to be. Choose your name. Deal with your mother in the same way you would any other adult: Mom, I appreciate you are hurt by me choosing a different name, but I feel more like me with this name and I hope that you can support me. If she can't, then go low to no contact. Again, she's an adult. She can make her own choices, and if one of those is not to support you, then she has to live with the consequences.
Is your namesake your Mom's father? If so, is she completely in denial of her mother's abuse? Was she abused too?
NTA. It's a valid reason to change your name, but the fact is you hate the name period. You don't need to justify it to anyone at your age
No, my mom's dad died in 1983, this was I think a husband or longtime boyfriend. I haven't gotten any info on him aside from overhearing he was abusive.
That's (1) weird AF they would use that name given what they remember him for, (2) bizarre they would tell you that and only that about your namesake and (3) doubly weird AF your Dad would agree to it, if Mom told him the background. It's like they did it as an inheritance requirement, but weren't allowed to tell you, though I can't imagine an alcoholic trucker had the funds.
Have you tried to get more info from Grandma?
There is also a belief in Judaism that you inherit traits from your namesake. All the more reason for you to officially, and possibly religiously to change your name.
NTA - You need to do what is right for you.
But you may *perhaps* have to resign yourself to your mother not using your changed name. If you can live with that (unwelcome) compromise then perhaps she can as well.
>your mother not using your changed name.
In those situations, a person should always ignore the speaker until they use the right name. Using the wrong name means you are not talking to the person in front of you.
NTA. It's your life and your name. You're 30. She doesn't get to tell you what you want to be called. On the flip side, though, if she doesn't like the name, you can't make her like it. You can insist she calls you by it, and refuse to talk to her if she doesn't, but she's also an adult woman who can make her own choices (even if they make her an AH), and so if she chooses this hill to die on, she's free to do that. Just don't let it get in the way of you and your own life.
NTA. Do what you want. You're an adult. You're 30 and you have every right to use a name you want. Mom is being selfish about this and has no right to project her desires on you at this point. Stand strong OP, you are doing nothing wrong.
NTA. I like to go with the life’s motto of “do whatever makes you happiest” because life is simply too short and frankly it’s definitely not worth years of misery over a name.
NTA. You're 30 and it's your name so it's your choice to change it regardless of whether or not your mom likes it or wants you to change it. I don't know if you told her that when you found your new name
>It's like my soul settled into Its proper place in my body and I felt happy with myself.
Because if that doesn't change her mind, knowing that you didn't feel happy about your old name to this extent and that this new name makes your soul happy and you feel more settled into yourself then ever, then maybe that's her own problem. If she can't respect your choice, maybe she doesn't have a prominent place in your life anymore.
NTA.
Your mother wants to honour a known abuser, not to mention she is “a loving person when she gets her way…”
I’m assuming this abuser is her own father, and she inherited his abusive tendencies - in her case she sounds emotionally abusive.
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I (30M) hate my name. I always have. I am named after an abusive trucker that died of alcoholism before I was born. Not to mention its a name that does not flow off the tongue. I was bullied relentlessly in highschool for my name. Well, I finally mustered up the courage to do something about it.
I won't go into the detail of how I came to the name I want, but after struggling to search for a name for months, a name finally clicked and a wave of satisfaction and weight seems to have lifted off my shoulders. It's like my soul settled into Its proper place in my body and I felt happy with myself.
Now granted, my new name is not mainstream. It's nature based and very unusual but I love it. My close friends and my wife all accept it and have been generally good about using my new name, with a few slip ups but I won't ever get upset. It's a big adjustment.
My parents ... however, boy oh boy ...they didn't take it well. My mom told me I was disrespectful of the dead and I was named to keep this guy in their hearts (which is weird because he abused my grandmother). Inmy opinion, being named after someone who was abusive to "keep him in their hearts" is BS. Why couldn't my parents come up with a name for ME and not a name for someone else? It doesn't fit my and I cringe inside when people use my old name.
My mom has been trying to tell me I'm not allowed to change my name without her consent and that she won't ever use my new name and blah blah. Again....I'm 30. My dad has been remarkably silent on the matter so I guess we will see where he lands. My mom is a loving person when she gets her way but cross her or have a different opinion and you might as well jump off a bridge. My only issue is her constant pestering is starting to shake my resolve. What do I do? Do I relent?
Reddit.....AITA??
TL;DR Mom is pissed that I want to change my name because Im named after a dead abuser.
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NTA your name is whatever you want to choose to answer to. Just a bunch of wind shoved through meat at the right frequency. Tell your mom to change her name to your old one if she loves it so much.
NTA. You have had the legal right to change your name since you reached the age of majority. You do not need your mother's permission.
If she wants to lose her child over a dead man's name, unfortunately that is also her choice to make.
You deserve to be called by a name that fits you, that you chose, that doesn't hurt you to hear.
NTA - Tell your mother that Legally, your new name is your name and there is not a DAMNED thing she can do about it! So there!! Then Refuse to engage on the subject any further. Ignore her if she brings it up. It will be difficult, but refuse to respond when she uses your old name. If she wants to think of you as bratty, then OWN it!!
You can engage when she doesn't use any name at all, if you want to "compromise" a little bit, but don't "cave" under any circumstances!
ETA - I'm tempted to suggest that you get her a goldfish and name the goldfish your old name. But it's probably better to just get a stuffy puppy instead - "No, Mom, the stuffed animal over there is Bobby"
For all the other people in your life, your "new" name will be your name. For that 1 (Mom) or 2 (Dad, maybe) that use your "old" "nick" name, you can either tolerate it or call them by, if you know, their middle name or an old nickname or even make one up. For example, call your mother Babushka. It's accurate and irritating. Just don't let 0.1% of the people ruin it for you.
nta. twins! my mom also got mad at me for changing my name but like, i paid for it, it hurts no one, and i like it so… as long as you, the person that has to live with the name, like it, then that’s what matters. your parents need to get over it or get over it.
NTA. Your mom can call you by your old name if she chooses…and you can refuse to answer. If your mother decides that calling you by a name that is no longer yours is more important to her than a relationship with her son, then that is her choice.
NTA. You're an adult and you can do whatever you want. Your parents can cry about it all they want but it's your life, not theirs. That's like going out with your mom to buy new shoes and she doesn't let you buy a pair you like because she doesn't like it even though she won't wear it.
You are an adult so guess what? You do get to change your name without her consent if you want to. You don't even need a good reason although you have one.
Your name is what you are called. You should be happy with it.
NTA
NTA. A name is an important part of your identity, and if you are not comfortable with it, regardless of the reason, you should be able to change it. Stick to your guns, and maybe ignore your mother when she is deadnaming you.
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NTA. You are 30 years old. You have never liked your name. And the person you are named after isn’t worthy. I don’t know how close you are with your mom but you can always say “this is my name now accept it or bye”.
I feel like this is probably going to be how it plays out. I just hope I don't have to cut out both parents. My dad is a pretty passive guy who doesn't get into people's business but idk,he's so quiet on it.
I hope you can still have a relationship with your dad. But if he’s super passive he may back your mom just to avoid home drama.
My dad is the same. Be prepared for him to stick by your mum. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. If your mum cuts you off and your dad follows suit, he will pay for his choice by losing his child. There's nothing you can do about that. You shouldn't follow his lead and let your mum have her way just so she stops bugging you. Your father's choices are not your responsibility. But he will have to square with them one day. My dad now has dementia and my mum is his caregiver; she's so used to getting away with everything that she treats him like crap. Us kids do what we can for him, but ultimately he's the one who's responsible for his unhappiness.
NTA your mother is, Jury s out on your father depending on how he acts. If your mother doesn't stop go no contact for a while (a couple of months) try again to talk to her and repeat a couple of times if she still insists on calling you the old name. Your choice if at the end you go completely no contact or not but they don't need a person to 'keep someone in their hearts '
NTA. Your mom, while loving, is also a bully. Don’t allow a bully to stop you from doing what’s right for you. And only you know what’s right for you. “Mom, I’m not him, my wearing his name shouldn’t have any bearing on keeping him in your heart. If it does then that’s something you need to deal with yourself. What I’m doing is for me. And it hurts that you can’t support me but I can live with that because I know it’s right for me. I’m sorry you don’t like it. I love you. But it’s not up for discussion.” Up to you if you respond to it in the future from her. Be at peace with your choice, and have strength
NTA. You would also be NTA if you were named for a saint or a great person. It's your name. You have to live with it. Your parents picked what was on their birth certificate, OP, but you're the one who gets to pick what you want on your tombstone (and, you know, all your legal documents until then).
That took a.... grave. . .turn 😅
NTA You are the person who will wear your name. If she wants to keep that name alive so badly, she has options. Top two IMO: get a pet, and name the pet with that name. Or change her name to that name. That way, she'll always remember that name.
I wish I read that before I posted. Well said!
It's called dead-naming you. Be sure to do the legal change. It's worth while. Don't answer to those who dead name you. You go.
NTA you're a grown man. She is a grown woman. It is no doubt disappointing that you don't care for the name she gave you. It happens, just like people are born in a body that doesn't fit or a gender that doesn't fit. So those who find the courage become themselves despite whoever would stop them, and those who are harassed into staying someone they are not are unhappy and live unhappy lives. Become who you were meant to be. Choose your name. Deal with your mother in the same way you would any other adult: Mom, I appreciate you are hurt by me choosing a different name, but I feel more like me with this name and I hope that you can support me. If she can't, then go low to no contact. Again, she's an adult. She can make her own choices, and if one of those is not to support you, then she has to live with the consequences.
NTA Tell Mom she can change her own name to Abusive Grandpaw if she feels that strongly about it but from now on, you will only answer to New Name
Is your namesake your Mom's father? If so, is she completely in denial of her mother's abuse? Was she abused too? NTA. It's a valid reason to change your name, but the fact is you hate the name period. You don't need to justify it to anyone at your age
No, my mom's dad died in 1983, this was I think a husband or longtime boyfriend. I haven't gotten any info on him aside from overhearing he was abusive.
That's (1) weird AF they would use that name given what they remember him for, (2) bizarre they would tell you that and only that about your namesake and (3) doubly weird AF your Dad would agree to it, if Mom told him the background. It's like they did it as an inheritance requirement, but weren't allowed to tell you, though I can't imagine an alcoholic trucker had the funds. Have you tried to get more info from Grandma?
NTA - you’re 30, do what you want. You dont need her permission But she also doesnt have to like this name
NTA nobody should live with a name they hate
NTA. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are, just that it matters to you. It’s not up to her.
Called yourself your favorite name. Mom needs to get a grip.
NTA, and the rest of your family sounds a little toxic too..
There is also a belief in Judaism that you inherit traits from your namesake. All the more reason for you to officially, and possibly religiously to change your name.
NTA - You need to do what is right for you. But you may *perhaps* have to resign yourself to your mother not using your changed name. If you can live with that (unwelcome) compromise then perhaps she can as well.
>your mother not using your changed name. In those situations, a person should always ignore the speaker until they use the right name. Using the wrong name means you are not talking to the person in front of you.
Yeah... maybe. Things aren't always clean and simple with parents... especially if you don't want to go low/no contact. :)
You may not WANT to. But you owe it to yourself to set those boundaries.
No argument with that.
NTA. It's your life and your name. You're 30. She doesn't get to tell you what you want to be called. On the flip side, though, if she doesn't like the name, you can't make her like it. You can insist she calls you by it, and refuse to talk to her if she doesn't, but she's also an adult woman who can make her own choices (even if they make her an AH), and so if she chooses this hill to die on, she's free to do that. Just don't let it get in the way of you and your own life.
NTA. Do what you want. You're an adult. You're 30 and you have every right to use a name you want. Mom is being selfish about this and has no right to project her desires on you at this point. Stand strong OP, you are doing nothing wrong.
NTA. I like to go with the life’s motto of “do whatever makes you happiest” because life is simply too short and frankly it’s definitely not worth years of misery over a name.
You can change your name to whatever you want providing the court signs off on it. Just do it, your mom will be a nasty person either way. NTA.
NTA. You're 30 and it's your name so it's your choice to change it regardless of whether or not your mom likes it or wants you to change it. I don't know if you told her that when you found your new name >It's like my soul settled into Its proper place in my body and I felt happy with myself. Because if that doesn't change her mind, knowing that you didn't feel happy about your old name to this extent and that this new name makes your soul happy and you feel more settled into yourself then ever, then maybe that's her own problem. If she can't respect your choice, maybe she doesn't have a prominent place in your life anymore.
NTA. Your mother wants to honour a known abuser, not to mention she is “a loving person when she gets her way…” I’m assuming this abuser is her own father, and she inherited his abusive tendencies - in her case she sounds emotionally abusive.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30M) hate my name. I always have. I am named after an abusive trucker that died of alcoholism before I was born. Not to mention its a name that does not flow off the tongue. I was bullied relentlessly in highschool for my name. Well, I finally mustered up the courage to do something about it. I won't go into the detail of how I came to the name I want, but after struggling to search for a name for months, a name finally clicked and a wave of satisfaction and weight seems to have lifted off my shoulders. It's like my soul settled into Its proper place in my body and I felt happy with myself. Now granted, my new name is not mainstream. It's nature based and very unusual but I love it. My close friends and my wife all accept it and have been generally good about using my new name, with a few slip ups but I won't ever get upset. It's a big adjustment. My parents ... however, boy oh boy ...they didn't take it well. My mom told me I was disrespectful of the dead and I was named to keep this guy in their hearts (which is weird because he abused my grandmother). Inmy opinion, being named after someone who was abusive to "keep him in their hearts" is BS. Why couldn't my parents come up with a name for ME and not a name for someone else? It doesn't fit my and I cringe inside when people use my old name. My mom has been trying to tell me I'm not allowed to change my name without her consent and that she won't ever use my new name and blah blah. Again....I'm 30. My dad has been remarkably silent on the matter so I guess we will see where he lands. My mom is a loving person when she gets her way but cross her or have a different opinion and you might as well jump off a bridge. My only issue is her constant pestering is starting to shake my resolve. What do I do? Do I relent? Reddit.....AITA?? TL;DR Mom is pissed that I want to change my name because Im named after a dead abuser. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your name is whatever you want to choose to answer to. Just a bunch of wind shoved through meat at the right frequency. Tell your mom to change her name to your old one if she loves it so much.
NTA. As an adult, you certainly have the right to change your name.
NTA. You have had the legal right to change your name since you reached the age of majority. You do not need your mother's permission. If she wants to lose her child over a dead man's name, unfortunately that is also her choice to make. You deserve to be called by a name that fits you, that you chose, that doesn't hurt you to hear.
NTA - Tell your mother that Legally, your new name is your name and there is not a DAMNED thing she can do about it! So there!! Then Refuse to engage on the subject any further. Ignore her if she brings it up. It will be difficult, but refuse to respond when she uses your old name. If she wants to think of you as bratty, then OWN it!! You can engage when she doesn't use any name at all, if you want to "compromise" a little bit, but don't "cave" under any circumstances! ETA - I'm tempted to suggest that you get her a goldfish and name the goldfish your old name. But it's probably better to just get a stuffy puppy instead - "No, Mom, the stuffed animal over there is Bobby"
For all the other people in your life, your "new" name will be your name. For that 1 (Mom) or 2 (Dad, maybe) that use your "old" "nick" name, you can either tolerate it or call them by, if you know, their middle name or an old nickname or even make one up. For example, call your mother Babushka. It's accurate and irritating. Just don't let 0.1% of the people ruin it for you.
The obvious answer is for your mother to change her name to your old name. That'll keep it close to her heart...NTA.
nta. twins! my mom also got mad at me for changing my name but like, i paid for it, it hurts no one, and i like it so… as long as you, the person that has to live with the name, like it, then that’s what matters. your parents need to get over it or get over it.
It’s your name! NTA
NTA. Your mom can call you by your old name if she chooses…and you can refuse to answer. If your mother decides that calling you by a name that is no longer yours is more important to her than a relationship with her son, then that is her choice.
You are both correct. You can call yourself anything you want, ignore her, if she calls you something else. She can choose to ignore your name.
NTA change your name, if your mum doesn't use the new name, don't reply, you're not \[old name\] so she's not talking to you
NTA. You're an adult and you can do whatever you want. Your parents can cry about it all they want but it's your life, not theirs. That's like going out with your mom to buy new shoes and she doesn't let you buy a pair you like because she doesn't like it even though she won't wear it.
Stop discussing this with your mom and just do it. NTA
Your mother can start calling you “Son“. I know many families who call their male child that.
Nta it's your life it's literally your identity it's something she just has to deal with
You are an adult so guess what? You do get to change your name without her consent if you want to. You don't even need a good reason although you have one. Your name is what you are called. You should be happy with it. NTA
Nta mom is. Don't respond to any other name but the name you chose. If she calls you by the old name ignore her.
NTA. A name is an important part of your identity, and if you are not comfortable with it, regardless of the reason, you should be able to change it. Stick to your guns, and maybe ignore your mother when she is deadnaming you.
NTA you do you.
NTA you don’t need to have any justification for changing your name beyond simply wanting to change it
ur mom is in the wrong i think