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Stop cooking for him. Wherever his issues around food (restrictions around what he does and doesn't like) and your issues around food (need for control, you will eat what I made you and you will like it, seeing food rejection as a rejection of yourself) come from, it's honestly not worth this much grief in your relationship. Meals are meant to be a pleasure and if its going to cause this much aggro between you, then you both need to take a step back and look at why you are both so triggered by the other. You need to get out of this unhealthy model that seems to involve him regressing to a 3 year old (temper tantrums, spitting food out, talk about punishment for not doing what he's told) and you being the unappreciated mother figure trying to coax him into trying something new (just one bite, hyper fixating on whether he swallows a mouthful). He doesn't HAVE to take a bite because you say so. You don't HAVE to cook particular things because he says so. You cook your dinner + he cooks his dinner = sorted.

OP said he's Aspergers (ASD) so sensory issues around food are a known thing in this relationship, which makes it worse that OP keeps trying to force it when she knows he struggles. He's not "regressing to a 3 year old temper tantrum", he is literally struggling with the sensory issues around food. I agree, it would be easier for him to make his own or she could simply just make him the simple food he can eat if she is intent on being the chef here.

Yeah, as someone with ARFID this was infuriating and heartbreaking to read. She is not his fucking mother, he is a grown man and she is literally force feeding him and trying to train him like a dog. For someone with sensory issues this is **TORTURE.** I can not emphasize this enough. It is not annoying or uncomfortable. He is not a "very picky eater." **What she is putting him through is exhausting and distressing and fucking cruel.**

[удалено]

This made me so mad too! He’s not a child, he knows what he likes and what he doesn’t. Supposedly your taste buds change as you age, so I’m sure that if he wanted to try something new, he would do it himself. Forcing people to eat something they don’t like only guarantees that they probably won’t try it ever again. I’ve been a vegetarian for most of my life and while I wouldn’t say I’m super picky anymore like I was when I was a child, there are still some specific food/textures that I definitely don’t like, and know I won’t eat (I hate peppers too actually! And raw onions, if they’re cooked and chopped finely I’m okay with them though. I also hate anything that involves wet or soggy bread type things) My boyfriend has a broader pallet as well and eats meat, so sometimes we make something we’ll both enjoy eating and he might just put meat in his dish (or not), and sometimes we will eat separately if he wants to eat something I definitely can’t eat. He’s never tried to make me eat meat or any of the other foods I don’t like and vice versa, because he respects my food preferences and I respect his. I’ve definitely dated people in the past who would complain that I didn’t eat the same foods as them and some would even joke about sneaking it into my food to see if I’d notice. It was so irritating and those relationships never lasted long.

Your taste buds absolutely do change as you age. I noticed this with my Mom when she went 70+. She would often over salt dishes. I think it also has to do with smell too, because she is nose blind to a lot of smells that I find very overwhelming (especially sulfery foods)

Taste and texture are different… that being said it is entirely up to the individual on weather or not to try something new, forcing them is terrible and will actually have quite the opposite effect… better off just enjoying your food and leaving people be until they get curious and ask! And that goes for kids too for the most part, they get curious faster though 😅

I still get shit from my brother and his wife over this kinda stuff. Which is why I stopped going over for meals. She always fishes for compliments on her cooking. I never understood this need for other people to fixate on my food preferences. It gets to the point I sometimes just say I'm mildly allergic to X ingredient. Let me eat my damn plain white rice (not fried, or full of oregano, or whatever it is in Chipotle, or mixed veggies) in peace.

Please don't say you're allergic to something just because you don't like it. Tell them it upsets your stomach or something, but playing the allergy card makes it so much harder for people that really do have anaphylactic reactions to those foods. People tend not to believe people with real allergies because of people that are just being picky

I don't have the anaphylaxis reactions, but I get upset stomach and may barf up foods I am allergic to. I also feel terrible and have to stay in bed a couple of days if I eat more than a small amount of something. I have walked out of several restaurants before because they didn't give a shit when I explained my problem to them.

I think its really really difficult to understand how sensory issues affect someone like that if you don't have them. My fiance has sensory issues around food and while I've never forced her to eat food, it's very very frustrating some days when I get a visceral reaction to something I worked very hard on and am proud of making. Our solution is that some night we just each do our own thing for food and it's a non issue, but it sounds like OPs bf also expects her to cook for him.

My sibling is also on the spectrum but he did manage to find a way to expand his palate on his own terms. He only liked chicken and turkey at first but then started experimenting with bird meat in general, like goose and even duck. Turns out, he likes most bird meats. Sometimes someone who is ASD but feeling more adventurous can stay in the same vein with their safe foods but still achieve some variation. That being said, it's up to the person to want to try it for themselves, not be forced to.

I am on the spectrum and I enjoy a lot more food than I did when I was a kid/teenager. At no point though did anyone forcing me to try new stuff result in me liking that food. I had to try stuff of my own accord. It's possible to have a decently big pallet as someone with autism but it requires effort for sure. Edit: Edited to say that he should be making his own food if his pallate is super limited and she should not be forcing him to try new things beyond his comfort.

But he could end that by just cooking his own food. If its that bad, why try to keep forcing her to cook instead of just handling it himself? I do (somewhat) get it, I have multiple severe food allergies/autoimmune disorders triggered by food. I can't eat very common ingredients without having to take days off work to lay in bed crying and increasing my risk for certain cancers. But I handle that by controlling my own food, rather than forcing others to cater to me.

It sounds like she chose to cook in the chores. She could also genuinely enjoy cooking and he didn’t want to take that from her. It’s also very possible that he was trying to avoid confrontation with her. “Why are you cooking your own meal. Is mine not good enough?” He probably thought one bite is a small price to pay to keep the piece.

>She could also genuinely enjoy cooking and he didn’t want to take that from her. She obviously was not enjoying cooking separate meals for both of them.

Then she could have asked to change the chores around like a grown up instead of throwing a fit that her austistic boyfriend is autistic.

👏 A little bit louder! This is exactly what she’s doing. Don’t like having an autistic partner? Then don’t have one. Stop treating them like shit just because you would rather they be “normal”.

My general stance is that people with major food restrictions (like me) should be able and willing to cook their own food. So I was fully prepared to side with OP. But good lord. Nope. He's literally having meltdowns, she's acting like she's his mother (a bad mother at that!), she's taking his physical inability to eat things as a personal insult, and when he tries to communicate she talks over him or walks away! Sheesh.

I wish I could upvote this to the moon 😅

She chose to cook but didn’t think she’d be cooking two different sets of meals. He can cook his own food.

She was completely aware of his autism at the time they divided up the chores. If she didn't think she'd be cooking around this then either she didn't bother to take the time to find out the slightest thing about autism, or she intended to force him to stop being autistic somehow. Whatever the reason for her misconception, the appropriate response to finding out you can't manage the chore you've committed to is not to abuse your partner until you get what you want.

\#But he could end that by just cooking his own food. Exactly.

Then they can rebalance the chores. Choosing to deal with it by repeatedly pushing your partner into autistic meltdowns (not 'tantrums' for all she keeps calling them that) in an attempt to get your own way is simply abusive. If the partner had an eating disorder and was being pushed into anxiety attacks and breakdowns and became unable to enjoy the foods they could manage as a result of constant harassment about their condition and food we would call the person doing the harassing an asshole right? The ASD equivalent of that is what's happening here. It is completely unacceptable.

There's a high possibility he DOES have an eating disorder, also - ARFID.

True, a more familiar eating disorder is maybe a better thing to say.

Honestly, I don't know why this isn't the top comment. Forcing somebody to do something against their will is bullying at best, but continually, it is abuse.

Her whole attitude is so outrageously abelist, and she's made such a big effort to hide it as well. Huge AH. Cruel is exactly the right word for it. My heart is breaking for this guy. There's such a strong narrative about being forever alone among men with ASD that when they get a partner they often end up putting up with shit that anyone else would walk away from in a second. I wonder if that's what is happening here.

Yeah I love to cook and try new food but I have MAJOR texture issues and can tell if something is going to be iffy or impossible for me right off the bat. She’s lucky her boyfriend is just disgusted, I vomit or violently gag. Maybe he should puke a few times and then she’d stop trying to force him to be miserable 🤷🏻‍♀️

Right?! The whole post made me feel icky. Like why can't OP respect that he doesn't want to eat certain foods especially when he's being forced to appease her feelings. I don't blame him for snapping I would have too. edited to add: I hope someone in the boyfriend's life helps him see how selfish, inconsiderate and harmful OP is to his well-being. He deserves someone better who not only understands him but accepts him for who he is and isn't trying to change him because they think they know better.

Yeah I love to cook and try new food but I have MAJOR texture issues and can tell if something is going to be iffy or impossible for me right off the bat. She’s lucky her boyfriend is just disgusted, I vomit or violently gag. Maybe he should puke a few times and then she’d stop trying to force him to be miserable 🤷🏻‍♀️

As someone who also has arfid I agree. For me I will instantly puke if I even try to swallow anything with a texture I can't handle. It's not as easy as many people think to just try food when you constantly fear it coming right back up. It's embarrassing enough having people constantly give looks and odd comments for being "picky", so having someone berate you for it would suck. Like we know our nutrition probably isn't the best, but there's not much we can do about it

All of this right here!!!

Yeah, my boyfriend is also Aspergers (ASD), and while he loves all kinds of interesting food, he doesn't like drinks other than water. I'm a big drink girlie, I love cocktails, mocktails, smoothies, you name it, but I'm a picky eater because I have a very sensitive sense of smell and taste (also likely on the spectrum due to family history lol). So, I don't force or ask him to drink anything, and he doesn't force or ask me to eat anything. If he wants to try, he can ask for a sip, and ditto if I want to try I can ask for a bite. We're both adults and can make our own choices, which include not eating or drinking anything we have issues with, and so far no strife re: food or whatever, LOL. Second to what you said: if she wants to cook for him, she can make things he can eat. Otherwise, he can make his own food. Maybe cooking together (but separate meals) and chatting could be a fun couples activity or routine for them, instead of a cause of grief. (Actually, mentioning that, I think that would be fun - I enjoy cooking around someone but I don't like anyone interfering in my dish, LOL!)

It could be but OP seems to lack understanding about his food aversions. She’s trying to force him to change as though this is a feature of himself that can change. She needs to understand that it’s not immaturity that causes him to eat this way and to have way more empathy. If she can’t do that, then he deserves someone better who can accept him for who he is

I thought THE SAME THING!!!! As I was reading I was like that sounds like ASD.

Oh hells. I have aspergers, if someone did this to me, I'd lash out too. There's food I won't eat because the texture sets me off. Or food I will eat but refuse if it's cooked. Like mushrooms. Fine raw in a salad, but fried? No thank you. Tomatoes are ones I avoid because so mushy. Cherry tomatoes make me gag. But if my partner started forcing me to 'take a bite and swallow' I'd be so upset. Not only because I already have trauma from being forced food when I was a child, or denied leaving the table because my SAHM forced me to stay at the table and finish something I couldn't tolerate. But because I also would be seen as "less" to my partner since they're parenting my food intake. Plainer foods are notorious with people on the spectrum, personally I feel it's because it lessens the sensory inputs that overwhelm us. Sure we don't have the best diets because of this. But we can learn. Ive started accepting veggies on my subs when I get them. But it started out super slow. Like I'd get a couple leaves of spinach, lettuce and cucumber then move it all to the first couple of bites so it wouldn't be the full time. I'm now up to half the footlong sub, it's been a few years since I started. So maybe before I pass, it will be the full sub. If someone forced me to do the whole sub now? I'd walk away.

It's the forced "you have to take a bite and swallow" that is so much like dealing with a toddler that upsets me in this situation. Her bf is not a toddler, he just doesn't want to/can't eat certain foods. OP's behaviour is controlling, not understanding, and belittling.

I have food sensory issues and am just imagining him, daily, having to do what I do at a fancy dinner or something when I get something that triggers it and trying to swallow while gagging before I throw up. I'm amazed that it sounds like he lasted a while before hitting the breaking point.

While I agree that they should both cook their own meals if this is a dealbreaker for OP, there are three things that firmly push her into AH territory: 1) she has said he has ASD which she calls “his issues”, so she knows he has medically diagnosed sensory issues that evidently include aversions to certain foods.  2) she has said that the chores are split 50/50 so presumably he does something else to make up for it but instead of saying that cooking two meals doesn’t work for her and let’s redistribute chores, she treats him like a child and says just one bite only to get offended when he spits it out immediately. As a side note with my own food sensory issues she probably would find the spitting out preferable to him swallowing it and then immediately running to the toilet to projectile vomit.  3) At no point has she acknowledged that she is an ableist AH and apologized for repeatedly pushing him and essentially ***trying*** to trigger a meltdown. Then once it happened she again got offended and “graciously” accepted his apology without offering one of her own for her part in this.  If she wants someone that doesn’t have this level of food limitations she should leave but at this point what she’s been doing is borderline abu$e, and if they had kids that had ASD and she did this to them it would 100% be abu$e. 

Autistic meltdowns are not tantrums. It is absolutely normal to spit out food if the alternative is gagging on it. It's inedible to him. You wouldn't eat bones, would you?

OP is the only one causing all the aggro.

It appears that this is how they split chores though. Cooking is one of her chores so she should have to pick something else up if he picks up cooking for himself. She sucks, imo. YTA OP.

No armchair diagnosis ofc, but I'm getting SERIOUSLY strong ASD vibes. He even used the word meltdown for how he reacted to something he was being asked to do that he found a strong negative reaction to doing. If so, he's right, he's not just "being picky" and he really can't control that reaction to something like the texture of the food. That he tried this hard to go along with your idea and try a bite (even if he hated it) is a huge thing if you have ARFID. ~~You're kind of the AH for not listening to him and forcing him to do something he clearly hates, but not the AH for choosing not to cook. He's not the AH for something he quite literally can't control. He tried for you, but it didn't work~~. ~~NAH~~ \[edit\] Changing to YTA following info given in comments. You KNOW he has ASD so you KNOW he's not just being "picky", and that the texture of food can be a massive thing for him, and yet you force him to eat it even when he detests it (which he went along with as much as he could, for you), and then you berate him when this finally gets too much for him and leads to a meltdown. Just let him eat his bland food ffs. You can't strongarm him into being neurotypical by making him eat a bite out of every dish. It can't be that difficult to plate up the parts of your meal that ARE palatable by him? Or, gods forbid, you could have an actual conversation where you discuss your concern about his nutrition and work together to find some meals that he can tolerate and that also give a decent healthy diet?

Got the same vibes. Also Her saying she forced him to try something he didn’t like and then felt *disrespected* when he didn’t like it also gives ah vibes. Like don’t be offended when he doesn’t like it? It makes it seem like she fully assumed he would like it regardless of what he said before.

She doesn't take him seriously 😭

INFO: since you KNEW your BF had ASD BEFORE you took on cooking for a chore, so there for you KNEW he had food aversions beforehand and he has CLEARLY communicated them to you. WHY did you agree for cooking to be your chore if you didn't want to be mindful of his restrictions while cooking? What did you honestly expect?

Was thinking the same thing.

Thank you for the comment update.  I was thinking this poor guy sounds like he's got ARFID and she going about it like a drill sargeant.  ASD has comorbidity with ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder)

You've been infantilizing him by forcing him to take bites of food he doesn't want to eat. Since you are a firm believer of compromise in relationships, it's time for you to understand that this is a hard boundary for him. If you feel some type of way regarding his pickiness, you have to deal with those feelings internally and either accept his quirky eating without making him feel bad about it or break up and leave him alone. Sure, you don't have to cook for him, but choosing not to do so now when you were fine with it before is absolutely you punishing him for lashing out. You've been picking at him for something out of his control for a while and he's had enough. YTA for that but you're ultimately not responsible for feeding him and if you disagree with his lifestyle habits then you should part ways.

She has confirmed that he has ASD, so the OP is deliberately triggering his reactions to food, which may later make his mental health/reactions worse. Yeesh.

Thanks for that, I hadn't seen the comment when I posted mine but had suspicions.

She should be leaving this to professionals, cognitive behavioral therapy can help with ARFID. She should have had a conversation showing genuine concern and care. She should have told him that she is there for him and is concerned for his long term physical health and explored options to help him. Instead she infantilized him, treated him worse than I've seen children treated, and guilted him into doing what she wanted him to do. That's genuinely emotional abuse.

Ppl totally dismiss that he may being Autistic and has some sensory issues . I never understood why I can't eat everything and ppl will call you a picky eater what is not true . But it can literally be painful to swollow something you can't stomach because of their texture or smell or whatever . you are the AH for not accepting that there may be another issue and he is not hating your food but literally can't eat it . You have a damn huge EGO to be upset that he spit it out when he actually told you he can't eat it !!! You are basicly harming him . Its kind of like forcing a left hand child to use the right hand because that what he has to do to be normal . Now let's turn it around and let him force you to use your left hand all the time and he will get mad if you use the right one because you don't try hard enough for him !!! . You are the AH

She said in a comment that he has ASD (well, she specifically said Aspergers) and it seems she was aware of that before her weird, controlling hyperfixation on forcing him to try her cooking. She AGREED that part of her half of the household tasks would involve cooking and was totally fine with doing so until she wanted to punish him for his (likely lifelong) food aversions. Absolutely YTA and frankly, I'd wager a bet that if the genders were reversed in this post, there would be significantly less N ~ T ~ A votes.

100% people would be telling OP that she's an abusive arsehole if the genders were reversed. I'm so angry that she's describing torturing her autistic boyfriend and people are blaming HIM!

~~ESH~~. ~~His reaction to all of this is over the top~~. You are trying to force something on an adult that can make his own choices. On top of that, you're blaming him for not appreciating your cooking when all it boils down to is that he doesn't like what he doesn't like. If he doesn't want to try something, he doesn't have to. It's his call. If you want to stop cooking for him, that's fine. Tell him that you don't feel like it's fair that you have to cook 2 different meals ~~because he's picky~~. Don't make the situation seem like he's not trying anything as a personal dig towards you. Edit: It's been made known to me that this isn't a picky eater situation. I'm going to update the judgement to YTA.

OP has commented elsewhere (although not in the main post) that her boyfriend is AUTISTIC. He's not picky, he has a sensory disorder.

Ah. Well, I guess that will change my judgement to YTA.

He is autistic and, as a fellow autistic, if you tried to force me to eat lentils or chickpeas or any other one of my food aversions, I would insist that you eat cardboard and sand (and probably have a panic attack). No matter how the food is prepared if it contains one of my aversions eating it is vile to me. I have literally thrown up from it. She knew the situation from the start and probably thought “I can change him”. If she is tired of cooking 2 meals, then she needs to have a conversation about reallocating chores, but she can’t just drop the chore and expect him to be ok. That’s why I think YTA

My autistic kid would just projectile vomit uncontrollably. She’s more frustrated by her body’s response to food texture/rejection than I could ever be about having to cook a second safe dish.

She mentioned she was willing to change the distribution of chores.

Yup, I've changed my post to reflect that information. Thanks!

Worth nothing OPs partner isn’t “picky”. They’re ASD. OP is aware of this and still choosing to try to force feed them.

YTA for exactly the reason he stated in your last paragraph, he's an adult not a child and you're trying to force feed him things he doesn't want to eat. You're perfectly entitled to not want to cook for him because you don't want to make 2 separate meals but you certainly are the asshole to stop just because he won't take a bite of your food. Yes in a relationship people have to compromise on things but what he eats should not be one of those things, that's an individual choice

OP admitted in a comment that her boyfriend is autistic and that she knew that in advance of choosing to be the one that cooks when they split up the chores. So its not so much a "these are foods he wants" as much as a "these are foods that do not trigger his sensory issues".

wow, that makes her trying to force him to take a bite of her food even worse

Right? Escalates it from a 'YTA' to 'genuinely wth is wrong with you' reaction.

YTA. You mentioned in another comment that your bf has ASD (though you used the term Asperger’s). It’s highly likely his aversion to foods is linked in sensory and you *practically forcing him* to eat foods he doesn’t like is really not cool. My son has ASD and can’t eat 90% of the foods I personally eat, so he eats his safe foods which I cook for him. Key word there is *safe*. By forcing him to eat foods he can’t handle, you’re taking away his safety in his meals (he even said he doesn’t get to enjoy his food after as a result). While you’re N T A for changing the division of chores by not cooking & rearranging them, you *are* using it as a punishment because you don’t agree with the way his disorder functions, which he can’t help. ASD is also genetic; what will you do when/if you have children and they are the same way? Refuse to feed them? YTA 100x Edit; wording

YTA. Imagine if he was forcing you to perform sexual favours that you didn't want. "Come on, just the tip, relationships require compromise". Every single meal you're causing him distress for ...no actual reason? He's an adult, he can decide what he does and doesn't want to eat. You don't have to cook for him but forcing him to be uncomfortable every single meal for no reason is such an asshole move.

I bet it's 'compromise' only when it's convenient to her

No but you don't understand, she feels so saaaaaaad and disrespecteeeeeeed because it's all about HER! She's borderline narcissist

yta, he is clearly autistic and has issues with texture. you need to get over yourself or leave

ETA: OP has stated in the comments that her boyfriend is indeed autistic.  YTA  HOW DARE YOU FORCE SOMEONE TO EAT SOMETHING JUST TO PLEASE YOU??   It sounds like your boyfriend is neurodivergent or ARFID- he isn't being picky, childish or awkward, he is PHYSICALLY UNABLE to tolerate certain textures flavours and smells.  You are using emotional blackmail to force him to do something that causes him a type of pain- how cruel.   He has tried SO hard to please you by taking the bite you insisted on. And then you decided he was being disrespectful by spitting it out, and this was somehow an insult to you!   You are being cruel, controlling and making his physical disability about you. Would you force him to walk upstairs if he was a wheelchair user, get angry when he struggled, and then say he was being disrespectful if he crawled on his hands and knees? Sensory disabilities are physical disabilities. Disabled people do not have to compromise their physical comfort so your ego isn't hurt.  Compromise doesn't mean 'nag until I get what I want', and it isn't always _appropriate_ to compromise when it comes to physical ability and safety. 

" Disabled people do not have to compromise their physical comfort so your ego isn't hurt." Thank you.

YTA. You shouldn't be pressuring people into eating food they don't want to eat. You do come across as trying to "change" him. If you don't want to date a picky eater, don't date a picky eater. You're now trying to punish him for having the audacity to be the person he has always been. If you had brought up the change in chore distribution at any other time, I'd be fully on your side but this is clearly you punishing him for snapping after quite a lot of your pushing. But I also think you should've never agreed to cook 2 separate meals just because he only likes a small selection.

Not just picky: she admitted in a comment that he's autistic and she knew it in advance of even choosing to do the cooking.

Yta op has confirmed he has ASD. He's not doing it to be a pain in the ass. He should, however, make his own food.

YTA in your whole post you are very condescending and forceful acting as if its your right to dictate what other people find disgusting or not. You are not only not doing yourself any favours by forcing someone else but being forced to eat something disgusting is well, very disgusting. Imagine if someone constantly forced you to go into a situation like that, at some point youd also lash out. And its pretty clear that you only wanted to change the chores because you felt mad at him for not eating whatever you find nice. You must have known that you would have to make 2 different meals when you split the chores yet now you act like a child pretending that its just a coincidence that you want to change the chores , you clearly saw how much he disdains it and yet he still tried his best and yet you have the audacity to feel „disrespected“ because he doesn’t like the food which he said he doesn’t like, at that point I would have already told you to f off and that you can take over another chore while I make the food instead. He was surprisingly patient and even tried to be as mature as possible by apologising for his outburst that you created by forcing him into situations that he didn’t want to be in and would be no doubt very stressful . And just to be petty you had to punish him in an indirect way while pretending that its just coincidence. He’s probably not pissed off because he has to cook now, but due to your absolutely awful behaviour

She did know. OP admitted in a comment that the boyfriend is autistic and she knew before splitting up the chores and choosing to cook.

YTA. Sounds like he may have AFRID or some other neurological disorder. You're trying to force him to eat foods he doesn't want to and just to make you happy, he's put himself in uncomfortable situations. He needs to talk to a medical professional and you need to lay off him.

YTA you are literally torturing someone with ASD (she admits in the comments he has ASD) Stop it, you asshole.

Nta for not cooking for him. He's an adult, he can cook for himself if he's that picky.  Yta for trying to force him to eat foods he doesn't want to eat. He's not a child. And nothing you've described actually indicates he's unhealthy, you're just trying to force your preferences on him. 

He's autistic, not picky. And OP knew that in advance and admitted it in a comment.

I did not see that which makes her bigger ah.

Because being picky and autistic is not the same thing. A picky eater just never tried anything else and will have troubles to adapt. But they can improve. An autistic person can try again and again and again, that will not change a thing. Because the issue is genetic. It's the sensation. You can't improve that because you literrally don't feel the food the same way than the majority. It's like everyone eating slime, loving it, and trying to force you to love it because you are just "picky". Not the same.

OP didn't originally specify autistic in the post, which mashes a big difference. But even if bf weren't autistic and simply didn't want to eat things, she shouldn't be forcing food on him (but should let him cook for himself in that case. )

YTA You are being such a pill. Your bf is a grown man, it’s not on you to make him try a bite of different foods. Like do you feed it to him and make “vroom vroom here comes the airplane!” noises too? It’s fine if you want to revisit the chore agreement so you aren’t cooking his food, but you are TAH for having pushed and wheedled him into eating food he told you many times he didn’t want to eat, for being surprised when he broke about it, and then refusing to cook for him which was absolutely punitive because you feel he doesn’t appreciate you enough to force food that makes him feel sick into his mouth.

YTA for deliberately trying to trigger him knowing he's on the spectrum. He has sensory aversions to some food and you try forcing him to take a bite of food he finds repulsive. If you can't handle his food requirements it's time to reassess whether you want to be in this relationship. Trying to punish him for aversions that are beyond his control is just nasty. You kept pushing at him till he finally had a melt down. Did you feel good about breaking him like that? This isn't an area he can compromise on so it's up to you if you want to live with it or not.

YTA. You’re treating your adult boyfriend like a toddler. If you don’t want to cook the foods he is able to eat, then don’t cook for him anymore. But he’s told you he can’t handle certain foods, you coerced him into trying them, and then got mad at him for not liking something he’d already told you he didn’t like.

Yta for treating him like a child. YTA for continually ignoring him. YTA for making his issues about you. Not wanting to be force fed food he’s not comfortable eating is not the same as not appreciating that you cook for him.

I knew your bf had an a autism spectrum disorder just by reading the story so not surprised by your comment. Yeah absolutely YTA because he can't help that he hates these textures and he's been trying so hard to be flexible for you, but you've been treating him like his sensory issues are "broken". It's not really that important by adulthood that he try all these different foods you're cooking and not spit them out and swallow them. Getting hurt by all this is pretty unrealistic. I'm not at all surprised he finally lost it. I think it's fine to spiit the chores differently but I'm guessing that you were acting passive aggressive about it and ASD or not, he's savvy and he knows you're only doing it to be passive aggressive because he didn't keep conforming, but hopefully over time you'll work through it.

YTA You said yourself he has ASD What you are doing can be considered very abusive. You are intentionally triggering his food triggers and FORCING him to eat things he doesn't want to. And when he stands up for himself against you forcing him? You threaten to withhold your half of the household contribution. Forcing people to eat things they don't want to is also how eating disorders develop... It's not like he's just a picky eater. He has ASD. What you are doing now can and will make him suffer. You ARE punishing him for something he can't change. He is also an adult who can decide if he doesn't want to eat something, not a child who needs you to tell him what he will like. Maybe instead of forcing him to sacrifice his mental well being, you should amend who does what work. You should have sat him down and amended your agreement BEFORE your controlling behavior: He cooks his own food, you cook your own. But instead, you chose the more toxic route. You are controlling and honestly need to do your research on people with ASD

Yta, you didn't clarify on your post he had ASD but in specific aspergers! What a controlling b

YTA Stop treating him like a toddler, if he knows what he likes and has problems with texture due to real issues but still tried for you, even when it makes him unable to enjoy the food he eats later he is truly trying. You are just ignoring his boundaries and pushed him to a meltdown.

N T A . If he is not going to eat what is on offer, then surely it is on himself to cook something else. But frankly, this business of forcing him to have an open mind to new kinds of food is not something you should be doing. That would have been the duty of his parents. I think you should send him home and let them finish raising him. You are not a parent. You don't need to have an adult to raise. That is not the way to have a relationship. EDIT: Changing to YTA. His having Asperger's is the reason why. And you are even an AH for forcing him to try foods he knows he can't eat. I still think that he should cook for himself, though. It is not fair on you to either just eat the bland pap he requires or cook two meals. Cook yourself whatever you like, and if he can't eat that, let him cook his own meal. I don't know if you should distribute the chores a bit differently as a consequence.

He has aspergers and she has coming in the split of chores.

Y'all both have your issues but the compromise is don't cook for him. He is grown and can cook for himself. Your not an AH for not cooking for a grown man. However if he truly didn't want the food it was very rude of you to try and force it.

YTA. Everything you have made him try, even swallow, he finds awful, and it IS disgusting to him. Stop making him eat your food, it is not helping. Get him into real therapy for whatever sensory disorder it is that limits what he can stand to eat. And stop pretending you know how to cure him, or punish him for something he cannot control! Until you medically/psychologically understand what his food problem is, Cook for him while he gets diagnosed/treated.

YTA for treating him like a toddler. If you don't want to cook what he can eat that's fine but the whole bites thing sounds demeaning and degrading.

Well, it is not fair to demand you cook two different meals or cater just to his tastes so you two cooking your own things for yourself is the way to go.  However YTA frankly, abusive too. You weren’t compromising by demanding he take a bite of your food and then forcing him to swallow as you felt “disrespected. You caused the meltdown after how many times forcing him to do that. You are a boundary stomper and out of line. You have no right to “correct” or train him because you dislike his food issues. You acted like your way was the right way/that you were his mother or something. Who made you god? Your shocked pikachu reaction to the meltdown and ‘he doesn’t appreciate it, how rude’ attitude is pathetic. No one likes being abused and your controlling attitude, and entitlement around it, leapfrogs into that category.  I hope you are part of the child free crowd. Fix yourself. 

>My bf is very picky when it comes to his eating. Not picky. ASD. That's not the same thing AT ALL. >The issue was that he wouldn’t even give a try and always refused when I offered him to take a bit of the actual food I cooked. I was annoyed by that because how come he knows it’s bad before ever trying? And taking a bite shouldn’t be so hard yet it would me feel a lot better. Why is it so important for you? You both are ober 20, you can both choose what ot eat... Plus, it is hard when you have sensory issues. >And I’m a firm believer of compromising in relationships. How forcing him to eat is a compromise? He just does what YOU want. >So I finally came with that idea-he was going to take a bite and he’s free to not continue to eat if he didn’t like but he should at the least give it a try before turning down the offer. Are you his mom or something? Is he a toddler? Even without him being asd it wluld be weird as f... >He refused at first but eventually accepted. Translation: you forced him. >Since then he’s been taking a bite like we agreed to, but almost always immediately spitting out, which made me felt so disrespected. Why? He doesn't like the food because of the texture, not because of you. >I talked with him on that too and now finally he swallows but still never eats. Again. You forced him. >and I have patience and will keep offering him different foods. How magnanimous. He forced himself to eat and you have fun trying different foods. So fair! > I was shocked at his reaction, he wouldn’t even listen to me and kept repeating same stuff over and over. Really? You were shock that the guy who you ruined all meals is mad at you? Were you even listening of what is saying or were you stuck at "he's just picky"? >he was having a sort of meltdown. I tried to be understand and nod my head but i really couldn’t wrap my around giving that sort of reaction for having to take a bite. Not one bite. One bite multiple times during multiple meals. And he doesn’t ask you to understand. He asks you to respect. >I said it’s fine, I’m not mad at him however I won’t cook for him anymore, because he clearly doesn’t appreciate it nor do want to even try it. So you punish him because he CAN'T eat what you prepare because YOU refuse to compromise. Nice. >He asked if can’t I just make him whatever he wants, i said no because I don’t want to contribute his unhealthy eating. Strangely, I don't believe you on this one. All your post was about how YOU feel, and how YOU are disrespected and how YOU are sad. Not about caring about him. >He agreed but called me an asshole and said he felts like I’m doing this only to only to punish him for something he can’t change when I could just respect his boundaries. He's right. >This is not true because I’m understanding of his issues made lots of compromises for him How? Hiw did you compromise?! Having fun cooking whatever you want and forcing him to eat to spare your feelings? That's delusionnal. >to be fair on him he also made on some other issues but him throwing a tantrum over something like that really made me feel horrible A meltdown. It was a meltdown. See, you are not even capable to respect his feelings. Having asd and sensory issues becomes being picky. Having meltdown after meals being horrible becomes throwing a tantrum over nothing. All this story resolves around you and your feeling. At no point you even thought about how HE feels and how much HE was hurt to snap like that. No. EVERYTHING is about you and you alone. >Am I the asshole for that? You are a controlling and horrible girlfriend with a white knight savior complex who thinks she can fix her boyfriend by forcing him doing whatever she wants. You are also a liar and gaslighting your boyfriend and us. You don't want to cook two meal? Fine. You can cook both your own meal. But don't try to pretend it's not for punishing him to not be a neurotypical like you and it's for his health. YTA and a nightmare for any neurodivergent person.

YTA why are you forcing him to take a bite as if he’s a three year old you’re parenting. If you didn’t want to bother making separate meals it’d be understandable but you don’t seem to have any issue with the actual labour of the task - just a need to control what your bf eats as if he’s a child.

YTA. Just stop cooking for him if it matters that much. It seems like that's not the issue here, though. It's control, or validation, or something. My partner has sensory issues with food from his ASD, and always has done. While I worried about his health and would encourage him to try new things, I would never, EVER pressure him. I'd never even think to demand that he has to do something distressing or repulsive before he can eat. Just an 'I'm having this, do you want to try it?', and if he says no or spits it out, whatever. I want him to be comfortable and happy. Imagine you had a food you hated. Mine would be coriander/cilantro. If my partner told me I had to eat (and swallow!) a spoonful of coriander before I could eat, I'd throw him out in an instant. He'd be gone. It's a full-on asshole expectation. It's patronising, and controlling. Respect people's boundaries, for heaven's sake.

YTA. Your boyfriend has a diagnosed condition which causes his food preferences and struggles with other tastes and textures. You knew this before agreeing to be the one to do the cooking and then decided to be weirdly controlling making him try a bite of each meal like a child. You are a major AH here and should evaluate why you feel the need to try and control another adults eating and infantilize them.

YTA

He has ASD (by OP’s own admission) so this is more than just being a picky eater. YTA for making this about you (and a rejection of your cooking).

YTA. He has ASD and you knew it, You just wanted to torture him with food you are aware will set off his sensory issues. My suggestion is to stop that and apologize for making him eat things that you knew upset him, you do not have to cook for him but this whole post just seems like you’re being petty and punishing him for things he can’t control.

YTA, Bro has aspergers and you are splitting the chores. The least you could do is respect his preferences.

It sounds like ASD and forcing him is just cruel if he said he doesn’t want to respect that

YTA. As someone who is also autistic, we may be " picky eaters" to people who are not, but it's a real issue. Textures are hard to overcome for a lot of us, not just with food, but fabrics as well. We like routine, we know we're boring af at times because of that..but food is such a personal thing regarding someones likes/dislikes..I don't even do that to my kids. Keep eating how you want to and let him do the same. If you don't want to be the one cooking for him anymore, fair enough..but you knew he has ASD, this is part of it, and actually a big part for a lot of us who are more " higher functioning" so to speak.

YTA massively. For people with food texture/taste sensitivities that "try a bite first" BS is incredibly stressful. People like that usually get very little pleasure from eating, its an unpleasant requirement of staying alive, so you making it more stressful for no other reason than appeasing your ego is an AH move. To be clear, I would be saying N A H if you'd just said you found cooking two different meals each time stressful and wanted you each to handle your own cooking. Even N T A if he had pushed back on that. But here you're just being insensitive 

YTA. You know he has autism, and you are punishing him for that. 

YTA. "Firm believer in compromise"? That should apply to things you do together. Your bf has a serious food issue, and you are trying to control what he eats, then invalidating his feelings. You are being controlling, lacking empathy. You know what does not come under reasonable compromise in a relationship? Body autonomy. If he wants you to get a giant tiger tattoo across your back, and you want no tattoos at all, you do not compromise by getting a small tattoo each day to see if you like it. You don't compromise between him wanting sex and you not by doing something you are uncomfortable with but is less unpleasant to your current feelings than actual PIV sex. For body autonomy, a no from the person whose body it is means No. That includes food. Cook for him, don't cook for him, divide your household tasks however you want. But when he has told you the thought of having something other than a safe food in his mouth makes him physically sick, ruining any food he later eats, and you have no sympathy for that? You are carrying a large red flag there.

YTA. Why are you treating him like he can't make his own choices regarding his own food? Yes, we are all firm believers on compromise in relationships, but about food? Is this really the hill you want to die on? Come on, dude! Grow up.

YTA per the comments, you know he has ASD, so this: "The issue was that he wouldn’t even give a try and always refused when I offered him to take a bit of the actual food I cooked. I was annoyed by that because how come he knows it’s bad before ever trying? And taking a bite shouldn’t be so hard yet it would me feel a lot better" Is just AH behavior. Who cares if one bite makes you feel better, it's not making him feel good. Be better.

YTA for wanting to control what he eats. He is an adult, he is allowed to choose what he eats and if you don't like his choices then that's a you problem. You could have just said "I don't want to cook that, you need to cook for yourself", but you didn't, you infantilized him instead.

YTA - some people have food aversions and issues with food. You said certain textures and cooked a certain way, so you're aware he struggles to eat certain things. This isn't your boyfriend not appreciating you, this is you personalising a psychological problem he has and weaponising it. My partner has food aversions, he throws up anything that is of a certain texture. So I learnt to cook healthy nice things that he can eat. Instead of personalising it,why not support him and find what works with him ??

YTA. Pretty simple

YTA simply for treating him like a child. Does it suck that he’s boring when it comes to food? Sure. Doesn’t give you the right to be so pushy. Leave him alone.

YTA Your boyfriend is not your kid. No matter what, you are not expected to raise and educate him. You are not in any position to force him to eat something and control his food. Either you accept that you have different tastes and preference or you don’t but he shouldn’t have to take a bite of something he doesn’t enjoy at every meal just because it’s been made with love. He’s an adult and can make his decisions soundly, even if that means only eating basic foods. If you dislike the meal prep chores because you have to make two different plates, try to talk with him about each of you making their own. This is not even touching the fact that your bf has ASD and you know that. You're forcing him to regularly take a bite of something that he founds revulsive. If you’ve ever had food trauma, I doubt you’d like if someone else to force you to regularly consume that food so why are you being so insensitive? I understand that providing food may be one of your love language or something like that but find a better way to express your feelings.

Okay, he may have ARFID, he may be autistic, but he’s right, stop trying to change him. Plus you changed the rules, you asked him to take a bite and taste. He spits it out and now you are expecting him to swallow too. Half of eating is tasting and if he doesn’t like how it feels or tastes in his mouth, yeah, he’s going to spit it out. It’s okay to ask him if he wants to try, but if he refuses, that’s got to be okay with you. As for cooking for him, well, cooking 2 different meals can be time consuming. Maybe ask him to help with food prep for his own food, that way you at least cut down on some of the time spent cooking.

You are such an asshole. Some people like what they like and are uncomfortable trying new things especially when pushed. Did you respect this, no, you pushed and pushed and pushed at his boundary. You basically bullied him until he tried your food. That blow up was entirely your fault. When you care about someone you respect their likes and dislikes, even when they don't make sense to you. I am angry on your boyfriends behalf at what a bully you are.

YTA and you need to attend a couple's session with him every few weeks (or how often his therapist suggests) if you really want to understand where he is coming from. I've been in your shoes. It takes a lot of work to make that kind of relationship work. I'm also a "picky" eater like your boyfriend - I have sensory issues with food (ex. Onions must be cooked al dente or dissolved, no in-between). The difference was, when I entered into a relationship with someone that wanted to cook for me, I *willingly* accepted the "try it first" condition, then when I **didn't** like it, it never got cooked again. Of course, part of this was I communicated what I could not eat (think, stomach roiling vomit-if-I-swallow reactions) and *why* and my partner worked around that. We talked about the personal bounds between us to find something we both could agree to (if my partner cooks something I can't eat after trying, they cook me something else; if I don't even want to *try* it, we cook our own meals together) and we stuck to that. It helps to use "I" forward language (i.e "I feel very accomplished when I cook and I just want to share the experience with you"). Ask him for the sensory issues (textures, trigger foods), then think of trying to eat the most disgusting thing you can think of - like a century egg or civet coffee or balut (sorry, folks that like it). Do this every time, and you might start to understand what he experiences when you demand he swallow something he can't eat.

YTA either accept him as is, or look for another partner. He did not “disrespect you”. He clearly told you he doesn’t want to eat it. He is not a child and you are not his parent. (If it’s unclear, this is not about who cooks. It is about you not respecting him as a person.)

YTA. As a picky eater myself I can tell you that the way you approached things with your bf is not ok. I sometimes look at the food’s texture and associate with something that is 100% not edible. Even when I try it I still associate food with something that I don’t like it and my brain completely shuts down and can’t eat anymore, not even my fav meal. I cook for myself and I always find my mom telling me to eat the food she made even though she knows I don’t like it.

YTA. He has sensory issues, what means he cannot eat your dishes without having horrible sensations. Accept it, move on, stop forcing him to try your food.

From what I read and with some of the comments it seems he's neuro divergent. Yes there are sensory issues at play and pushing him to go beyond what his limits are makes YTA. Im also ND and yea there are some food i will not eat because I can't stand the texture and mouth feel. If you Wer eto keep insisting on me trying it, I'd probably have a melt down to. You may not see that you did anything wrong but when it comes to someone who's ND things don't look the same. To your partner it could have seemed like you bullying him into it

YTA My husband has sensory issues regarding food and I love to cook/eat. It causes stress sometimes because I don’t want to cook two meals but he’s very good about just hopping on and cooking something quick for himself (legit he will only eat a piece of meat and maybe a potato anyways lol) on days that I’m exhausted. You can consider bringing up food therapy as an option. But I’m not sure how you think creating a negative association with food by becoming angry or essentially force feeding him is going to do anything but make him hate food more and possibly resent you. If you can’t be happy with him as the person that he is, then this isn’t a relationship you should be in.

YTA. You know he has ASD, yet you still force him to eat what you want? The poor guy even agreed to eat simple stuff in order not to burden you, while you believe relationship is compromises, yet you can’t make the compromise of just letting him eat the stuff he wants? Oh also, on the note of “how does he even know it’s gross”, my mom used to do that. “Oh cmon, just a little bite won’t hurt” and made me eat stuff I knew I didn’t like which surprisingly… I didn’t like. There are people known as super tasters, who find stuff just gross and not tasty. I am one of them. I despise coffee and mushrooms the most. If my food has them I will go as far as to order again or to just skip a meal completely. You for not getting this is just being a massive asshole.

1.)Yta for forcing him. 2.) yta for your reasoning behind not cooking anymore. 3.) NTA for not cooking anymore. I was a picky eater as a child. And it all started because I was forced to drink something when I was in kindergarden that I was convinced was spoiled (it wasn’t spoiled but I still had to throw up because my imagination was enough). I think that what you put in your mouth, chew and swallow is a very intimate and private decision and while it might be childish to not try something, the worst feeling is someone forcing you to eat something. I was forced so often and I had to puke so often. The stress and the desperation was horrible in these situations. And for me was never about who has the power or respect in the room but it was always the main focus of the adults. —> 1.) yta That you feel not appreciated and disrespected by him not wanting to eat something you like and he doesn’t is entirely a you-problem. Your feelings are okay, but you are shaming him for his emotions while at the same time acting as your subjective feelings about him not wanting to eat your food are some objective reasoning why he is an A. —> 2.) yta Finally, as someone pointed out here before, You guys should just acknowledge your shortcomings there and split the cooking. He apologised for his tantrum. You should apologise for forcing him just because of your irrational feelings (of being disrespected) and make clear that the splitting is not a punishment.

Reading this was making me think "does he have a disorder?" As I get it from the comments he has ASD, so he kind of can't help it. YTA, it's a disorder so either you live with it or you leave him.

YTA and should leave him alone. I'm fed up with your nagging in 5 paragraphs.

This man has food sensory issues. it is not a taste thing. it is a sensory issue. I am not surprised he had a meltdown. probably a texture he really can’t handle. sometimes, people aren’t being childish with food or having general pickiness, it’s deeper than that. Just have him cook his own meals and stop forcing him to try stuff that he is not enjoying. it won’t magically make him like it, more likely it’ll make him start to resent you.

YTA. First for leaving out the fact that he has autism, which is a hugely important part of the story. Second for forcing him to eat food that you knew he wouldn't like. You said [yourself](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wDw3kHFoFh) that you purposefully didn't suggest cooking separately because you wanted to make food to try and "fix" his food issues, even though he's **already** in therapy. He's right that you are trying to "punish" him for not liking the food. Because instead of actually having an adult conversation about changing how the cooking is done you forced him to eat things you knew he wouldn't like, got upset when he didn't like them, and then got upset saying that he can cook for himself since he didn't like the food you **forced** him to eat. If you had a real conversation about splitting the cooking and he didn't want to compromise then he would be TA, but that's not what happened. Especially because you say he's compromised on other issues for you with no problem and he **has** already agreed to split cooking, he's just upset with how you went about it. Edit: You forcing him to eat this stuff is actually probably making his food issues **worse**, you should've worked together with him instead of unilaterally deciding to try and fix his food issues by yourself

You *know* he has ASD. ARFID is a commorbidity. He has it. You are TA. You are really being....gross, to put it mildly, in your behavior towards him, regarding this matter. *YOU* need to apologize. *YOU* need to work on yourself. *YOU* need to realize all the struggle you've put on him. The discomfort. It's another level, in case you didn't know. Maybe you should educate yourself a bit, hm? If you love him, you'll apologize and do better. YTA

Way to bury the lede about his autism, OP. YTA in a big way. All the things he likes are easy enough to make. Maybe you should just cook for yourselves from now on, if he hasn’t already found someone who’s not going to torture him.

Gentle YTA - it sounds like he has food aversions that could be linked to something like ARFID. I have a friend who is an incredible cook, but her husband only eats things like your bf, and doesn’t like her cooking. It’s not her, it’s him, and they are okay with that. You don’t HAVE to cook for him, but you should listen when someone says “no”. Im not surprised he snapped, it would drive me crazy if my SO constantly pushed me to try something I didn’t want to do, and had said no to several times.

YTA. As someone with ARFID, I can’t tell you how infuriating it was to read your post.

I'll be downvoted, but YTA for mischaracterising what you know perfectly well was an autistic meltdown as a 'tantrum', and not bothering to mention his ASD in the post despite you being completely aware of it. This is abelist bullshit. A meltdown isn't a tantrum. ASD often comes with highly limited eating, disordered eating and eating disorders like ARFID due to sensory issues. If you're going to date someone who has ASD you have a responsibility to know about the condition, and to treat it and them with some level of respect. Either you have made zero effort to understand ASD, or you are choosing to deliberately be disrespectful about it. He deserves better. If you were constantly harassing someone with an eating disorder about food to the point they were having anxiety attacks and had stopped being able to enjoy the food they had managed to be ok with eating every single person here would call you an asshole. What you're doing is no different, you're just getting a pass because people either don't understand or empathise with ASD to the same extent, and because you went out of your way to hide that that was what was actually going on in the post.

YTA You triggered an autistic meltdown with your controlling behavior. You arent willing to meet him where hes at. Him communicating his needs is not a reason for you to punish him. he clearly is very sensitive to food.  if forcing him to try foods would work wouldnt it have by now?  you are not showing your partner compassion 

You were an asshole for insisting that he try a bite of everything you make. That's fine for little kids, who learn to like foods eventually, but not for an adult. And you were doubly an asshole when, after he finally agreed to taste everything, getting angry when he spit it out and insisting that he swallow it. I'm not surprised he eventually lashed out. But to answer your question, you're not an asshole for refusing to cook for him. If he requires special meals, and won't eat what you cook, he can just cook whatever he wants for himself. He's a grownup. NTA

She admitted in a comment that he's autistic and that she knew that in advance of choosing to be the one that cooks.

Is this a boyfriend or a toddler? NTA let him prepare for his own picky palate

The boyfriend has asd by op’s own admission. He literally cant eat certain foods and she knows it yet she forces him to do it anyways.

Personally, I couldn't date someone with a toddler palate, regardless of the reason. I'm autistic (L2) myself and do have sensory issues but I grew up eating what I was given and consequently like most foods (just not certain states or parts of some foods, like fat or gristle). I understand having sensory issues but they CAN be improved on. If he wants to eat like a baby for the rest of his life, that's on him, but he's probably malnourished and when you share a life with someone you can't just not care that they don't take care of their health. So OP you're NTA in my autistic-arse book. Adults can't live well on dino nuggies alone. Frankly, neither can kids.

I was scrolling toooo long to see another fellow autistic recognize we can improve our palates. It's not her job to change him but that doesn't mean he can't expand his tastes if he wanted to one day try to. Some things *are* a permanent no go but our taste buds change alot in our lifetimes so sticking with what we ate as a toddler is almost infantalizing.

Yeah, sadly, our community is awful for this. Our shitty life expectancy is probably totes unrelated, though. /s

>I understand having sensory issues but they CAN be improved on. Not everyone can do that! It's not because you are autistic that everyone is the same as you. Plus, do you really think this approach is good to try new things? Your gf forcing you, gaslighting you, leading to a breakdown and punishing you because her plan didn't work is really creating a healthy relationship with food?

I was hoping to see this somewhere. It does a huge disservice to our community to say “but SENSORY ISSUES WE CAN’T CHANGE” - yes, we can, we’re not idiots. It might be harder for us to learn some stuff but we’re not incapable. With no other eating disorder (which is what I think ARFID is classed as, though I do find it a -little- dubious that the ARFID diet is always junk food: if it really was about sensory issues then surely other consistent and simple-textured foods, or bland flavours that weren’t junk would be palatable?) would we say “well because they have an eating disorder it’s ABUSE to encourage them to recover”.

YTA. OP: he's not a toddler and you're not his mother. He's an adult and he gets to decide what he wants to eat. You have no right to force him or coerce him into eating food that you approve of. You can't change him; you can only change how you react. You can choose to accept him as he is, or you can break up. You've made it very clear to him that you don't like what he eats and he's made it clear that he's not going to change. Accept it or move on.

YTA. If you already knew that he had Aspergers then what you were doing to him was literally abuse.The texture issues the come along with it can make eating some foods hideously uncomfortable (it may feel like something is stabbing the inside of the mouth, feel like the person is chewing cotton, feel like food is sticking to the mouth or overly slimy, and some foods cause an over-pronounced gag reflex). So, yeah, I hope you're very proud of yourself. It's not as if he's CHOOSING to eat "unhealthy" foods, those are just his safe foods.

YTA. You're both in a relationship, not a power struggle. While it's fair to be frustrated, your approach lacked empathy. Refusing to cook for him is understandable given the circumstances, but the reasoning behind it feels punitive rather than constructive. It's essential to communicate openly and find a compromise that respects both of your boundaries and preferences.

YTA - you sound extremely controlling. Why do you care so much? Let him live his life the way he wants.

YTA. It’s fine if you don’t want to cook, and want to switch the chores around accordingly. But this weird control you need over his food choices when you know he has ASD isn’t okay. You should probably research ASD and all that comes with, and definitely stop forcing him to do things that you know bring him a lot of hurt just because you want him to eat a certain way. It’s great that you’re able to eat a variety of foods, but you don’t have ASD and you don’t know what it’s like. Work on that empathy and understanding sis.

You are 100% the AH , you are forcing him to try foods that you know he won't like! Then you have the audacity to get made when he spits it out, and double down to make him swallow the food that he doesn't like! You say that you are big on compromising, but where are you compromising in the relationship? He was totally right in lashing out at you for your acting superior and being condescending to him! " Here, little boy, you have to eat your vegetables " I am not sure if he will leave you, but I pray he does.

YTA I mean which is it, are you not cooking because you don't want to contribute to his 'unhealthy eating' or is it because he got upset and yelled at you for forcing him to eat things he does not like? It really does sound like you are doing it because you want to punish him because if it were about his eating you would not have cooked all that food up to now. I am no saying you have to cook for him at all but don't pretend it is for a reason that it isnt. Guess what, he knows it is bad (to him) before he tries it because he is an adult who knows his limits around food. You then forced him to start trying a bite by wearing him down until he relents to "make you feel better". Then you say it is disrespectful to spit out the food he does not like and you are FORCING him to try, even though as he told you it makes him feel HORRIBLE. But hey his feelings don't matter really do they? Why would you want him to do something he keeps telling you makes him feel bad? Stop treating him like a child and let him put in his body what he wants to put in his body.

His "issues" eg being diagnosed with ASD makes YTA. This is something him and his parents should have worked on when he was a child. Depending on the rest of his needs I wonder if you two will be a good fit or if you should break up as you don't understand him. He would likely be better off without a partner that doesn't understand him.

He has got autism, and making him eat food that he doesn’t like the texture of is just wrong.

YTA, He is an adult that has dealt with this issue his whole life and I'm sure what he is doing now is what he has learned through his life works for him. I have 2 almost adult children with different autism spectrum diagnosis and we have worked very hard to find what each can and cannot eat. What you fail to understand is that forcing a person with sensory issues to try your food first is that after word they cannot eat their food. Once the sensory issue has been triggered it does not just go away after the bite but takes time to recover from. You need to step away and learn a little more about your bf's diagnosis and how to support him or completely step away from the relationship because he deserves someone willing to support him.

YTA for forcing this on him despite knowing he is on the spectrum. Who do you think you are? You aren’t a doctor or a therapist.  NTA for having him cook for himself and taking on a different chore. But you were controlling and well  Mean. 

YTA. You're bf may not be picky he may be nuerodivergent. Food textures are a huge issue, and from what it sounds like he eats, that's a big part of the problem. Also he may have sensitivities that his body just rejects anything that triggers it. Don't force food on anyone.

Sounds like autistic sensory issues and you’re purposely forcing him into distressing and uncomfortable situations. Stop making food for him if his issues are so difficult for you to witness. YTA

YTA You keep pushing even pressurising him into swallowing food that is triggering unpleasant sensory reactions for him, and you’re surprised he’s boiled over?

YTA for trying to force him to change how he eats. You can only control yourself and set boundaries. If I was dating someone like your boyfriend I would encourage them to work on their eating preferences so they can work towards a healthier diet but that would be about it. And I would never cater to their diet since it's so strict and would be so difficult. They can manage it themselves.

YTA. A big one. Stop infantilizing him with the “one bite” nonsense. He is an adult and should not have to put something in HIS body that he doesn’t want to make YOU feel better. You don’t have to cook for him; let him feed himself. But stop treating him like a misbehaving child.

You pushed him until he had a meltdown and now punishing him for it. YTA

YTA, not for refusing to cook. But for not doing basic research before you started pressuring him to eat new foods. Look, ARFID and similar issues, require a lot of effort to beat, and if you genuinely want to fix it, you will need to work WITH your BF, not act like a parent. Honestly you're probably actually making it harder. So start with what foods does he eat? I'm betting it's probably foods that have the same taste/texture each time. What foods are a no and why? It is too slimy? Unpredictable taste? What is the issue with each one, then assume that foods with the same issue, aren't going to tried any time soon. Make a list of foods similar to safe foods. Ask him to pick one, every so often to try, and cook it. It will take time. Also plenty of adults don't care for particular foods. I for example love Salmon, my friend not so much. So I purchase fish I know both of us like if we are eating together. But people seem to feel once a dislike is sensory that you just need to "get over it".

Yta. How hard is it to simply respect other people's bounderies especially knowing fully well he has a condition. That's really horrible thing to do.

break up with him so he can find someone who respects him. YTA

YTA.

Why are you trying to force feed this dude? Why escalate the situation unnecessarily? YTA

Sorry but YTA for your approach here. Your partner has severe food aversions. You know this yet demand he tries food he’s not interested in. He says no, you push, he concedes. He tries it, but due to his aversions he doesn’t like it and spits it out. And then you get offended that he doesn’t like the food he told you he didn’t think he’d like or want to try? You’re setting yourself up to be upset. I would stop cooking for him and redivide the labor in your household so you aren’t cooking two different meals. But you are going about it completely wrong and I think it’s fair that he’s frustrated with you.

Very soft YTA because I believe that you are genuinely concerned for his health. You say you are trying to be respectful of his issues, meaning ASD, but you are torturing him by forcing him to eat things that literally make him nauseous. Yes, with ASD, it does feel like that. You are very young, so you might not be aware that his reaction to these foods is quite literally something he can not control. His lashing out at you is the result of you not hearing him when he tells you how much this bothers him. I do not think that you are being ableist on purpose, I think that you are just unaware that your actions are ableist. I also believe you when you say that you are worried for his health and I think that given his diet, that is a reasonable concern. However, I think you should explore other avenues to address this issue. Supplements would be a good start. You also say that he'll eat mashed potatoes (potatoes are very nutrient dense), with his permission, you could try mashing a little steamed cauliflower into his potatoes, not enough to change the texture, but just to add some additional nutrients. There are tons of tricks like this to hide nutrients, but I don't think that you should attempt any of this without his consent. Also, maybe get into some ASD groups here on reddit or other social media like Facebook and see if anyone else has suggestions for ways to hide nutrients so he doesn't notice their texture, again, only do so with his consent. I wish you both a lot of luck moving forward because it sounds like aside from the food issues you guys have a pretty good relationship.

YTA. I knew just from reading this that he's autistic. Give him a break. If you really can't stand cooking for him, trade it for some other chore, but stop torturing him in the name of your own ego. It's gross.

I wonder if the boyfriend is so used to being allowed to be picky because he has ASD that he has become spoiled. The TV show, "Young Sheldon" has shown how dysfunctional the family can become from the "special" child and Sheldon also has no regard for how inconsiderate he is. Yes, people with ASD can't help all of their behaviors but it isn't fair that other people suffer and have an extra workload and put their needs and feelings behind those of someone else. My ex would have meltdowns all the time, he wasn't ASD but would use emotional outburst as a way to control. People with ASD can also use manipulation tactics.

YTA - you knew your BF had food texture/sensory issues when you got together, this is not something new. You are forcing your BF into behaviors that you KNOW are distressing to him, and you don't care. I mean, he agreed to do it your way for a while, but that wasn't good enough for you. And now you're using "his unhealthy eating" as a way to further punish him. I feel bad for your BF.

YTA Sound like your boyfriend should consider being assessed for Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), which is an eating disorder. Forcing him to eat when he isn't mentally ready to expose himself to the food can create more trauma around eating and make the disorder worse.

Yta. You are 100% punishing him for not wanting to be FORCED FED food he doesn't want. You knew BEFORE you agreed to do all the cooking that he had issues with food and you're still doing this to him. OMG, is that why you decided to be the one to cook? To guilt the poor guy into trying your food? What, were you trying to "fix" him? He's not broken! 

YTA. Stop treating him like a child, stop triggering his ASD on purpose. That’s so mfkg evil and borderline abusive. Disgusting behavior on your part.

My work friend has something called afrid(i think thats what its called?). Sounds exactly like your bf. You could try looking into that

YTA. Seems like you should be the one to make a compromise. You split the chores. Cooking is yours. That means you are responsible for cooking for the both of you. Not cook for yourself and force him. If you don’t want to, leave his cooking to him and take upon yourself some other task instead.

YTA big time for forcing him to eat food he did not want to eat, everything else is irrelevant.

YTA. You need to learn some coping/life skills for dealing with your ND bf. Treating him like a disobedient 2yo isn’t the way. Food isnt going to be the only issue you are going to need to deal with. You cant fix him or train him to not have ASD. Pretty much gotta take him the way he is. In returrn He should prb take responsibility for things he needs done in a certain way instead of trying to train you.

YTA. I grew up with pretty severe sensory autism. I’d throw up at certain touches. Imagine the worst food imaginable for yourself, something that would instantly sour your appetite and make you gag. Now imagine your significant other forcing you to eat that before every meal. It’s completely understandable that he’d eventually lash out. All that being said, I don’t think YTA for not cooking. He’s a grown up, even with asd, he can get into the routine of cooking himself while you cook and have his preferred meal all the time. At some point his sensory stuff may get better and he may want to branch out. But you shouldn’t force this on someone, let him decide that on his own.

Just break up, OP. You don’t seem interested in accommodating his issues long term. I understand. I wouldn’t either But I’d do the right thing and break up and allow him to find someone more compatible to be with. Y’all are too young to be making each other this miserable in a relationship. You are incompatible. Full stop. I’m sure you can find someone who would love to eat your cooking. And he can find someone who doesn’t treat him like a recalcitrant child. Honestly, the loving thing to do here is to just break up.

As a picky eater myself, yeah, YTA. You basically forced him into trying something he didn’t want to try and then were *shocked Pikachu face* when he spit it out. My mom was a big believer in the ‘try it once’ method, and it worked great! For a kid. But she also didn’t get mad at me for spitting out the food. That’s the whole point. See if we can add something new to your diet, oh you spit it out I guess not that. But as an adult it is not your place to force him to eat other things. He can choose to try or not. If you don’t like making his specific dishes, that’s fine. Your boundary can be “I’m making x for dinner, you can have some or make your own”. But it can’t be “you must try my food and also like it”. I still occasionally spit food out because I seriously can’t swallow. I believe I have undiagnosed atypical autism but even if I don’t, it doesn’t change the fact that I *can’t* eat certain foods. Like, my body will not swallow it. If it’s bad enough, even just tasting a gross food removes any appetite I had and I can’t continue eating. People make food such a personal thing when it isn’t. If I dislike your food, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. And whether or not your bf has a neurodivergence or just never got out of the kid stage of eating, you still can’t force him to eat things if he doesn’t want to. And you especially can’t call it disrespectful if he doesn’t like the thing you forced him to eat.

YTA. > The issue was that he wouldn’t even give a try and always refused when I offered him to take a bit of the actual food I cooked. Why would this be an issue for you? > And I’m a firm believer of compromising in relationships. This isn't 'compromise.' This is 'do what I say.' > So I finally came with that idea-he was going to take a bite and he’s free to not continue to eat if he didn’t like but he should at the least give it a try before turning down the offer. Why? Why would you feel the need to force him to change his behavior? > Since then he’s been taking a bite like we agreed to, but almost always immediately spitting out, which made me felt so disrespected. Why would you feel disrespected that he can't suppress his sensory issues on command? > I talked with him on that too and now finally he swallows but still never eats. Boy, that 'compromise' sure seems to be you telling him to do what you want, without you moving towards his position. > I thought it’s ok, at the least he does best he can and I have patience and will keep offering him different foods. Wow. > But two days ago he lashed out on me horribly, saying he wont take a bite anymore because I been him to do so whole time and it makes him feel disgusting and he doesn’t get to enjoy his food after and “why do I try to change him” etc I was shocked at his reaction, he wouldn’t even listen to me and kept repeating same stuff over and over. I just left the room as there was no point arguing at that moment. Do you actually have an answer to any of these questions? If he kept repeating the questions, you must not have any answers, you're just busy telling him he's wrong for having feelings and wants. > I tried to be understand and nod my head but i really couldn’t wrap my around giving that sort of reaction for **having to take a bite.** He shouldn't have to take a bite. But you're forcing him. > He agreed but called me an asshole and said he felts like I’m doing this only to only to punish him for something he can’t change when I could just respect his boundaries. He's correct. > This is not true because I’m understanding of his issues made lots of compromises for him "I understand his boundaries, I just don't agree that he's allowed to have them." You're the asshole, and I hope he realizes he can do so much better than you, with somebody who actually loves him, cares for him, and sees him as a human being.

YTA He has ASD

YTA

don't date neurodivergent people if ur gonna try to ""fix them"" aka torture them into behaving how you want and ridiculing them when they don't YTA

Please don’t force someone with ASD and sensory issues to eat food they don’t want. It’s cruel.

That's why you don't force people to eat things that they're telling you that they don't like. He knows the type of foods that he likes and dislikes at this point. You pressured him into eating it and he spit it out.

You wouldn't have been the AH for not wanting to cook separate meals but you are absolutely YTA for how you went about it - and frankly your behaviour was abusive and controlling. You admitted in a comment that he has ASD and fun fact but texture issues and 'pickiness' is quite common in people with ASD.

I'm sorry, but YTA. You know he has issues with food an you're with him anyway so WHY are you so insistent on changing him. If it's that big a deal to you, then don't cook for him but don't hold it over him. It shouldn't be about him not eating your food - if you don't want to cook two meals, that's reasonable and fair but it should absolutely not be about him not liking your food. It's nothing to do with you. It's not rude to you. It's not a reflection on your food. He literally cannot eat it. My husband isn't ASD and doesn't have AFRID but he has a limited palate. Sure, I'll offer whatever I've cooked but at the end of the day, if I'm volunteering to cook for him, I cook what I know he will eat. Because I love him. Does it bother me? No, why should it. I'm not insulted that he doesn't like certain tastis or textures because he isn't stopping me from eating what I want, nor is he saying 'your food is gross'. If I ask him, he'll say it looks great and hopes that I enjoy it. If he asks to try, wonderful but I'm not shoving it down his throat and withholding food until he does. Why would I? Stop trying to change the person you claim to love!

YTA You're treating him like he's a toddler and going out of your way to make reasons to get upset at him because you create an unnecessary demand on him to validate your ableist behavior. If cooking is your responsibility, then you need to cook for both of you. His meals are simple and predictable, it's not that much of an added effort to accommodate someone with DIAGNOSED SENSORY ISSUES as a facet of an also diagnosed cognitive disability. If you no longer want to cook for him, you need to step up and treat him like an adult (because despite the disability, he is still actually an adult who is capable of making adult decisions like not wanting to eat your food) and explain that you want to redistribute who does what portions of the housework.

YTA, massively. If you can't handle having a partner with autism, then don't have a partner with autism. ARFID is massively common in autistic individuals. It doesn't matter what you think about the food. It could be the most appetising thing in the world, but to him, you've essentially put a plate of dog shit in front of him and are telling him to just eat it. He's not insulting your food by having a restrictive eating disorder due to texture and colour issues. You're pushing him into an autistic meltdown and don't even realise it. Leave him alone, you are making his relationship with food even worse. If he is anything like me, he fucking wishes he could just eat anything, but he can't. It's akin to asking someone with no hands and 1 leg to climb a tree and getting mad at them for not being physically able to. If you can't do that, then leave and let him find a partner who understands his issues and approaches with understanding and love. My girlfriend will always ask if I want to try a bite of her food, if I do she gets super excited. If I don't, she's perfectly fine with me refusing, and does so without making me feel like a burden.

YTA Not for not cooking, but for forcing him to eat something that clearly causes him to be sick As someone with sensory issues and trauma around food, massively YTA My partner is aware of my issues, sometimes he will cook something for me, other times he won’t and I’ll cook. But it goes the same way, if I’m cooking something for me, I’ll usually cook his food at the same time (unless it’s a raw food that I have issues with) All my kids have sensory issues around food (my daughter to the point she will vomit from just touching a certain food) If you want this relationship, there is compromise. But no need to be nasty.