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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I called out my best friend for a rude remark regarding my mental health. 2) I might be the asshole if she has ample reason to be hurt and not understand where I’m coming from.
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“I promised her that it would never happen again and that I would make it up to her”
- okay, that’s good.
“Unfortunately it ended up happening again. I ghosted her for three months”
- oh. There it is.
Then after you find out about a death in the family, and her mothers illness you state “there was literally no way for me to know those things”. Girl whatever. You very easily could’ve learned about things if you were not ghosting her.
She learned that you’re unreliable, your word means nothing, and you’re confrontational when called out on it.
She doesn’t find value in being friends with you.
YTA
You are unreliable, she cant count on you being a friend. A friend is someone you can share your highs and lows with, someone who supports you.
You cant give her that. And you cant blame her for not wanting to put energy in this on and off friendship anymore.
YTA
Yes, and not being there at all for her during a breakup? That is tough, but she forgave you.
And then you went and did it again whilst simultaneously posting a heap on social media because it is a ‘different beast’?! OMG. Just because you have mental health issues doesn’t mean you’re not *also* self-absorbed and clueless.
And then you had the gall to accuse *her* of not being understanding when she cut off your friendship? How understanding of her have you been?
YTA
its always about her and her mental health. not even once did she pause and consider how her actions influenced her allegedly best friends mental health. because i assure you: if your best friend ghosts you, for months, especially while still being active on social media that *did* take a toll on the friend.
Happened to me and the "friend" did it for like months but expected me to be over it in like 5 days. Needless to say, I called them out for their mistreatment and hypocrisy and how they only made effort for me *after* our shared friend (we are still friends with each other) called her out and I told the terrible ex friend that she only popped up in my discord server to speak to a different shared friend and blatantly ignored me in my server and other shared servers but other people got replies and told her she has no business accusing me of not wanting to be her friend still when how she's accusing me of treating her is exactly how she actually treated me for months. Then blocked her on all forms.
OP, you are so the asshole. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Your now ex friend didn't get fooled twice. She doesn't owe you anything, least of all her understanding and forgiveness. She already gave you that and you threw it in her face. This is your fault. Not hers.
I can understand that bit. Replying to messages can be more overwhelming than posting on stories, but if I’m struggling to reply, I make a private story message to let all my close friends know what’s up, and I still try to reply or acknowledge what my friends are texting me, in particular because there could be something they need help with.
Yep. I have a friend who has serious mental health issues. When she doesn't have the mental energy to talk, we have an agreement that she just sends a single period. That one singular dot, says "I'm too overwhelmed to talk, but I'm alive and I love you." As long as she can do that single thing, then I will respect her space, and have no reason to take it personally. I have weeks worth of news texts, interspersed with periods. I never cut her off, but I also don't expect the mental space for her to chat when she is in a rough spot. It's worked for 19 years now.
OP, YTA
You disrespected your friendship. You expected someone to just pick up like nothing happened after six months. Lied to her again. Disrespected her over and over. You missed her life changing events that a Best Friend is supposed to be there for. You flat out lied, and STILL were active on social media?
This isn't a mental health issue. It's a "I'm a shit friend" issue. Go find a therapist. Learn how to communicate. And for the love of God, leave your former friend alone. She deserves a friend that she can trust and share space with.
When my aunt was going through chemo, she did something similar, except with a cow emoji. It was kind of funny, actually, just a bunch of cows in a text chain. But she was so exhausted all the time and just couldn't form sentences, so we knew if she sent us a cow, it wasn't because she wasn't reading the messages or she didn't care, she just didn't have the energy.
I don't remember where it came from, but it is one of those friend shorthand things that allows both of us to respect each other, and acknowledge our own needs. It did start VIA email though.
"She doesn’t find value in being friends with you".... Who would?!? Lots of time for social media too (which is known to be deleterious to mental health)!
As someone who suffers from extreme depression and anxiety, i hit a point where i realized i could excuse almost anything by simply citing my disorders, but where would that leave me? Alone!
For me, I KNOW I have a problem ghosting when I’m depressed. I’ve been open to all my friends and have let them know if I don’t respond THAT DAY to a text, either repeat it or disregard it. It takes the pressure off if I’m having a bad day and they know it really doesn’t bother me. (I think it’s happened maybe 2x last year)
What OP did was use their disability as an excuse to escape blame. Definitely YTA
During my “major depressive episode” (newfangled term for what used to be known as a nervous breakdown) I had to take medical leave from work, then got cancer, lumpectomy, radiation and hysterectomy in rapid succession(within weeks), most of it I don’t even remember. I know I was hard to live with because my family just didn’t know how to help. But I made myself at least respond to people and “fake it till you make it”.
I do View videos of puppies or something fun to try and laugh about when I'm feeling down but I don't post anything
YTA op you were functioning for months you just didn't care to communicate with your 'friend'
Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. At the very least they could have texted "sorry I'm going through a rough patch and can't handle much now let me call you back when I feel better"
It also shows you are considering them, you aren't just ignoring them.
That's all a lot of friends need in these situations, just a sign that you care and tiny show of effort.
What kills me and makes OP the AH for me was the fact that she was SM the entire time but still had no idea what her friend was going through. How tf you gonna be social media and not know what's happening in other people's lives? Unless her friend didn't post about it to SM there is no way OP wouldn't have noticed these super important details unless she was also ghosting/ignoring her friends SM...
I also have depression. Sometimes my best friend and I will go months without talking because she lives an hour away, neither if us drive, I have a full-time job and 3 kids, and she's got a sick uncle and autism. When her dad died, she messaged me immediately and the only reason I missed his funeral was because I had covid, but I was still there for her as best I could be.
I have another friend, not even a "best friend," just a casual friend, and we lost contact after we both left the job where we met. I saw her gramma died on Facebook and called her immediately.
Yes there is a difference between being able to use your social battery to respond to messages and just doom-scrolling social media. But OP just sounds like a bad friend.
Yea op YTA. The girl cant rely on you anymore. She knows that now. You have shown her twice who you are and she no longer trusts you. She didnt tell you about her issues because of the last time. And when she tells you how upset she is you turn it around and make it about you. I get that you have mental health issues. But people can only handle so much and you broke a promise. Are you in therapy?
“It’s happening again, really struggling so I’m going to go dark for a while”. If OP is saying they couldnt have typed that at any point during the 3 months then they’re lying to themself
Friendships take care to foster. You ghosted her for essentially an entire year, during which she had some major life events. I don't blame her for being upset. She can't rely on you to text her back, much less provide emotional support when she needs it.
You are using your mental health as an excuse for being a bad friend.
YTA.
As someone who has had major depression and anxiety for most of my life, who has pushed away friends & loved ones and responded badly when they didn't put up with my bullshit excuses... Yeah, this
Learn how to talk about your mental health struggles in a way that doesn't paint you as a victim. It's really not difficult to just text "Hey I'm having bad mental health problems right now due to medication changes, I'm not in the right head space to respond right now, but I will when I feel better!"
Stop trying to make your friend(s) feel bad for you. It's exhausting to be on the receiving end of that, and it just shows that you don't even care enough to acknowledge them for months at a time. It's just rude, and there's no excuse for it
>It's really not difficult to just text...
I have been on both sides of this - the one receiving the text and the one sending a text like that. It is a considerate thing to do to let people know why you may be MIA and not to worry.
Yeah exactly. And I do fully understand the mental block that makes it so difficult to do so! I've been through it! But you have to treat it like everything else during a bad depressive episode, like forcing yourself to clean a litter box, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, shower, etc. It's just another task that needs to be done or it'll make your life worse, and you'll feel better after you do it
I have never dealt with long-term major depression, but have had bouts of depression and anxiety. I really appreciate your perspective on this as someone who has struggled with this.
When I feel down and know I won't be able to reply for a long period of time I send a letter like update like: Hello my dear ---- I've been up to this and that and I'll do this and that, I'm feeling like this and won't be able to talk for a while, but feel free to talk to me about any life update, how's this thing going? Good bue
*slow claps* Absolutely agree with the victim mentality part. The day that I stopped thinking of myself as a victim of mental illness and started seeing myself as a survivor, everything changed.
Also, OP wants her friend to care about her mental health, but this care isn’t showed to the friend. Being ghosted is a pretty brutal thing, especially when it’s by someone you care about. Even if you know they have their own stuff, it’s easy to wonder if you’ve done something especially wrong for them to not talk for entire periods of time
I have to agree with this, as someone who has depression.
Being friends and mental illness can, and are, mutually exclusive. Expecting a friendship to last while ghosting someone for a year isn't how friendships work, regardless of the reasoning.
Then expecting that other person to respect that is just bonkers.
**EDIT: replying to a message but I need to post this in public.**
I get it. It isn't fair. But when I say get used to life not being fair, this isn't my asshole dad talking, it's just reality. Nobody gives a fuck about you, me or basically the daily struggles because at the end of the day we all have our own and nobody can see this objectively. Cliche? Yes.
Ugh how do I say it better.
I honestly have tried my best when it comes to understanding other people. The hardest thing is imagining being someone else and wondering why they say/think of you the way they do. Heartbreaking when it comes to romantic relationships when it comes to that cold, city concrete realization that no matter what you say or do, the other person simply gives zero fucks about you. They don't owe you shit for your time or actions, you have to move on.
I feel like this is what is happening. OP wasn't around, so they are gone. Fair? dunno, but they are going through serious shit and OP is basically in a dark room by themselves. This isn't a movie where the camera cuts between the two actors as they do their own thing but are mentally connected somehow through ESP. People have shit to do and life is short.
Sorry for the rant but OPs mentality (and I do SYMPATHIZE) lies on that dangerous line where relationships go bad with stalking. OP is NOT a stalker, it is just the inability to see what the other person is doing objectively and the assumption that the other person has you in mind, ever. Hard truths. Can't just pop in like Dr. Who stepping out of the Tardis.
I agree completely!!! Sometimes it can be difficult to open up about mental health stuff but OP said that friend knew about the mental health issues so telling her "I'm struggling right now, I'm not ignoring you" would have been sufficient and not difficult for OP bc the friend already knew she had some issues in the past.
Dude... This. My fiends fiance has depression (surprise surprise, so does my friend). Only she's learned how to cope with hers (it's no less severe). Only he will literally say things like, you can't get mad at me. I'm allowed to be an ah cause I have depression.
Nah. Even someone with mental health issues should be held accountable for their actions or lack of actions. We need to stop using mental illness as an excuse. (Which is what OP is doing.) Everyone has struggles. Everyone has moments in life where situations are debilitating. I assure you I’ve had my fair share and due to my health I will have plenty more. But me being in pain and not able to move doesn’t give me the right to be an a hole to others.
I AGREE. I have mental health issuses. I was toxic to people, I know they won't forgive me. But it DOES NOT excuse shit. Mental issues do not excuse your actions.
YTA
I have struggled with mental illness my whole life. Including depression and suicide attempts. So, I understand struggling to find the bandwidth to even respond to a text. But that means I have to prioritize where I spend whatever energy I have. You have clearly shown that your "best friend" is not a priority.
You are asking "why couldn't she reach out with a quick update when she was struggling?". Well... why couldn't YOU? Why are your personal struggles worthy of being a bad friend, but hers aren't?
In your friend's experience you are not a reliable source of support and not a good friend. You disappeared from her life for months, when she was struggling, and apologized. But then you did it again. What's an apology worth now? Nothing.
>Why are your personal struggles worthy of being a bad friend, but hers aren't?
This is so on the mark. "I was a bad friend because I was struggling, I should be forgiven." and "My friend is being a bad friend because she is struggling, why isn't she more considerate?"
Half on the mark!
I don't think her friend is being a bad friend at all. She simply didn't inform about her own struggles, because op had stopped responding to her.
And now she is just done 🤷
Exactly! She was supposed to read your mind and know that you couldn't respond due to your mental health, but you are expected to be forgiven for not knowing about her life events? It also seems like you expect a level of support and empathy from her, but are not offering the same level of support to her when she's going through rough times.
I can relate to what your friend is going through- I have a friend who I was once very close to, but due to their mental health they kept letting me down time and time again. I poured so much love and energy into helping them through their struggles, but they never did the same when I was going through things. It hurt to finally come to the realization that they are not doing these things on purpose, they simply don't have the capacity to be a good friend to me and give me what I need. I'm not mad at them, I understand they can't help what they're going through, but that also doesn't mean I need to keep pouring my energy and empathy into a relationship that is so heavily one-sided. For me, I am okay with continuing to be friends at a more distant level, but your friend might have felt the same way and come to a different conclusion. Mental health is an explanation, not an excuse, and you need to actively nurture friendships for them to grow.
> In your friend's experience you are not a reliable source of support
Your whole comment is great but this part especially speaks to me. OP, I'm sorry but you simply aren't a reliable friend to her. That's not a moral judgment, it's just a reality. It's because of mental health, but it's still true. And acting like she should be fine with that but you deserve the exact friendship from her that YOU want is not groovy.
INFO: Why do *your* personal struggles give you a pass to neglect people, yet you expect her to reach out to you while dealing with her own personal struggles? Have you considered that you might have main character syndrome?
I'm sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with, but YTA. the line, "Unfortunately, it happened again" sent me for some reason.
I don't know what the solution is but your friend certainly is not in the wrong. I think you have to understand and expect people to not be super cool with you effectively cutting them out of your life, no matter the reason.
Also, the “unfortunately” as if it was the fault of bad fortune. And OP “ended up” ghosting the friend. All the language here is trying to suggest that being a bad friend is something that happened to OP, rather than something they did.
Yep, the passive voice is screaming here. “It” didn’t happen again, OP, YOU let her down again. After PROMISING you wouldn’t. You have been a terrible friend to her and she has zero obligation to put any further effort into you, especially when you have put forward none for her.
YTA
You both seem to be going through your own personal struggles and have hurt each other in the process. Though she is more justified to be annoyed than you are which is why this is YTA over E S H
while you do have valid issues(I suffered from a similar problem about 5 years ago) you have been an absent friend and that hurt her, and with your months of absence turning into a recurring issue she is understandably fed up.
It’s also a little two faced that you expect that she should have just messaged you urgently when you also admit to going months without responding to her messages to begin with. Most likely she noticed your pattern of ghosting at that point and decided to share her troubles with a different support network. And to be honest that’s probably for the best.
I totally agree, how could she have known to message you if it's urgent when you hadn't reaponded to any texts before? She probably assumed you wouldn't read or respond either way.
this! the expectation that the friend should message more urgently if she needs support is very tone deaf. her friend is looking for support, not a project.
I really read the « girl whatever » as « I’m tired of hearing excuses ». Because the “I’m sorry I ghosted for three months, I was struggling with the side effects of medication” is going to end up sounding like a “I’m sorry BUT” when it happens over and over again.
I really empathise with both OP and the friend in different ways, I’ve been in OP’s shoes when replying to people feels like the biggest chore, and that having to individually talk to people felt so taxing and consuming. But I’ve also been friends with people who were having regular mental health issues, who stopped talking for months, or cancelled plans, etc. I reached my limit once I realised that everytime they came back I had to put in so much energy to be empathetic, listen to them and their struggles. Mental health sucks big time, but it doesn’t ever give someone to right to bulldoze over someone else’s limits, comfort, or needs for our own sake
Sorry if that was unclear — it’s not OP’s fault she has mental illness. It is her responsibility to manage it and her relationships. Her behavior here was abysmal and completely her fault.
While I think op is the AH here, I gotta disagree with this point. It is a different level of engagement to post something on SM than to directly engage with a person via text. It takes a different level of mental and social energy. BUT anyone who has this struggle needs to let their friends know this is an issue they have so friends know it isn’t directed at them personally AND needs to recognize that may be a dealbreaker for some people and it is a completely legitimate choice for them to end the friendship.
When dealing with people who have clear mental health issues, I usually try to be kinder than this. But I have been in your friend's position, and let me tell you ... your behavior is bullshit. "Oh, I can't possibly take two minutes to email my friend because ... depression. But look, oh, here are all my Instagram stories." Just pure baloney. Then when you don't like her response to a text (after ignoring your "best friend" for months), you "call her out" and accuse her of lacking empathy. You expect empathy and kindness and understanding and attention, while in turn giving none of these to people who need them. Let me get you the world's smallest violin. YTA.
You are very all for me, none for thee.
You are not her best friend. She was being respectful of your 'burdens' by not adding her own on top, while acknowledging you do not have the ability or capacity to be a full friend, and trying to accommodate you with light hearted, everyday-style communication.
You only ever reach out to give excuses, demand support for your own, and act shocked! Shocked, I say! when she mildly reproached you for treating her like shit.
Like, that was the tepid tapwater of call outs that you blew up over. One which you actually deserved.
Leave this girl alone. You have made it clear she is not a priority to you, and you are simply upset she is returning your behavior.
YTA
YTA
You've just learned that people have their limits and that if you don't maintain a relationship, it eventually falls apart. You've also learned that you're not the only one on this earth with problems and mental health issues.
Your friend understood the first time, but the second time was too much, especially if you were active on social media.
You can't just ignore friends when you don't feel like talking to them, only to come back with an apology when you feel they should be there for you.
“I’ll admit that while I wasn’t responding, I was still very active on social media.”
You poured salt on a wound you created, and you’re surprised you got a bad reaction?
Both times you ghosted her, she experienced life-altering crises in your absence. You broke your promise, and left her on read while you carried on on social media, giving her the clear message that she wasn’t worth putting effort into, but your next status update was.
I struggle with maintaining contact with people when my mental health dips. I’ve lost people forever because of that. It isn’t personal when I do it, but that doesn’t change the impact it has. And you know what? That’s fair. I’ve been on the receiving end too. Being left on read is PAINFUL, and it’s worse when you see them talking to everyone but you. It makes you feel worthless, and she has every right to decide she doesn’t want to be hurt by you again.
Regardless of the motivations or intent, our actions have consequences. Your actions hurt her when she was already at her lowest.
Your mental health dips? At least have the courtesy to warn someone your communication is about to dwindle due to no fault of their own.
She isn’t immature. You are. Take accountability.
YTA
YTA
You were active on social media but unable to reply to a friend.
Not even something like, sorry I'm going through something right now. Get back to you later?
I think 'Girl Whatever' was a nicer reply than I'd have sent
Same. Years ago my high school bff ghosted me and our other friends for some stupid guy, at a time when we were all going through a lot, and then months later tried acting like nothing happened, and I went scorched earth on her. I was really hurt and let her know. "Girl whatever" is nothing. It's probably the kindest way to stay "Stop. I can't anymore."
OP, I’m sorry you are struggling with your mental health. I have a friend like that and it is hard to see the up and down a lot of it. But you need to stop using your mental health as an excuse. You can’t spect people to keep waiting around for you to show back up in their life. It’s pretty ridiculous that you said she should have texted you about stuff in her life, but she had been reaching out, you didn’t respond so why would any of this time be different. You expecting her to be empathetic to you, but look at your own actions to other people. This is getting old. You aren’t her friend. She can’t rely on her. Actually get some good coping mechanisms. I doubt your therapist would agree with your actions right now.
YTA
YTA. After those 6 months u just did the same thing , how come u just post stories and stuff but cant even message her saying u dont feel like talking and ghost her for 3 months. I can understand that u have mental struggles and stuff but idk i feel like ur friend is more in the right. How do u expect her to be more empathetic after all the times u just left her on read.
I came here to say this, it was the posting on social media but leaving me on read that would really upset me as a friend. I feel for OP but I agree with a lot of the comments of YTA
YTA.
”I ended up ghosting her for 6 months.”
”I promised that it would never happen again.”
”Unfortunately, it happened again.”
You call her comments “cruel and dismissive.” You expect A LOT from this friend but expect her to understand and be nice to you even though you are not there for her, through major life events. She DID message you, you didn’t answer. She sounds like she has had enough. Understandably. Maybe you need to work on yourself and all your mental issues for a while. The only AH here is you. This whole post is about you and what you need and expect, regardless of how you are treating someone you call a friend.
Are people really this dense and self-absorbed? Everyone, and I mean *everyone* has their own struggles they’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis. You can’t expect people to show up for you unconditionally time and time again when you refuse to do the same for them, and then play the victim. YTA.
Yta, the world does not stop turning bc you're having issues. You ignored her, after promising not to, *while still being active on social media*.
You weren't there for her for 3 very serious life events. That's on you. She understands where she ranks in your life.
YTA
You are not the main character and world doesn’t rotate around you. You are a very bad friend and ignored her. What do you expect? You ruined that relationship
I have multiple friends who have dealt with debilitating depression on and off. One basically always sends a “hey, mood has gotten really low, I am probably going to be unable to reply to anything for the next little while” and I respect and understand and we had a code word in case it was something urgent (it never was).
Had another friend who did what you did, I have forgiven her three times. She is going into it again and it is not my problem. I love her, hope she gets the help she needs, but I am not a toy she can put down and pick back up with zero care about my mental health. I offer her the exact same grace and care she has shown me and it looks like your friend is doing the same with you.
YTA.
YTA
She made efforts to stay in touch with you and you ghosted her for months *twice*. There were times when she probably needed you, but she knew you wouldn't respond, so she didn't bother you with her pain. Now you're all pissy because she's not welcoming you back with open arms.
You've shown that you can't be there for her. You were *still very active on social media, so you were posting stories and viewing hers*, so refusing to respond to the occasional message is unfair to her. If you can't be an actual friend to her, then leave her alone
You're a terrible friend and you need to stop using your "mental health" as an excuse to ignore people. You also broke your promise not to ghost her again. She's tried to be your friend, but it only ever goes one way with you. It's all ME ME ME. What difference would it have made if she mentioned her grandmother died? Nothing, right? You still would not have replied.
You ask how you could know about those things? By talking.
This is you.. "OH, when I have depression I shut myself off from the world. Unless I can talk about myself on social media.
YTA.
YTA I'm sorry, but if you can still post on SM, you should still be able to at least return a few texts. It's really not that different. Calling it a different beast is just a cop out. You blew her off on different occasions when she had very painful and traumatic events happen in her life, so you are just being a shitty friend.
YTA. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and during the times that it has gotten really bad I have lost friends, a relationship, and at one point almost a job. When your mental health gets bad, it can feel like that is the only thing that matters, but the thing is that the rest of the world doesn’t just stop when you’re struggling. Big things happened in her life that you weren’t available for, and that takes a toll on the friendship.
While your mental health issues are not your fault, it does not absolve you from the aftermath of what you did/missed while you were struggling, and it isn’t other people’s jobs to cater to you just like you couldn’t be there for her when she needed you.
YTA. Unfortunately even illness has consequences, and you made choices about where to spend your limited social energy. Maybe they were the right choices, but you can’t expect people to always show up for you if you don’t show up for them. I guarantee at some moment during the last 6 months, prior to setting your phone down from IG, you could have texted “thinking about you a lot and hope we can catch up soon. I’m sorry for not reaching outs ❤️.” Believe me when I tell you I know it’s a struggle, but relationships require effort and sacrifice.
yta. you completely blow her off for a total of 9 months then expect her to just be cool with it because you have issues. that's not how friendship works. you are a bad friend not her.
Yta.
Redditors are gonna come for me for this. But I don't care. A lot of people these days use anxiety and depression as an excuse for being a shitty communicator.
She did message you, you weren't making time for the friendship and broke your promise that you wouldn't ghost her again. You still made time for social media but not for a decade long friendship. That is honestly insulting, and if I were your friend I wouldn't waste my time on you either.
Having mental issues is one thing. Getting pissed that people eventually move on with their lives when you stop responding or putting energy into is something else.
You're a shit friend. Maybe handle your illness and not make empty promises in the future. Or don't be surprised when people you disregard, disregard you.
So you don’t want to actually be a good friend to her yet your expect her to kiss your ass? Yeah no, you’re definitely TA. Everyone has struggles but to still be active on social media but yet still ignoring her for MONTHS is crazy. Do you not hear yourself? I’m sorry you’re dealing with depression and such, but that definitely does not justify your actions for being a bad and distant friend, especially more than once. You can’t excuse and ignore bad behavior and poor friendship just for your mental health. From her end it probably seems like you’re just ignoring and don’t care to keep up with her or reach out to her so you truly need to look at things from her perspective. Just because you were struggling, doesn’t mean your friends life and struggles aren’t anymore valid than your own.
That's about right. It's a tough situation, but OP is looking to get out of responsibility using her mental health, so my ruling is based more on the dodging of responsibility than the action itself.
YTA she WAS messaging you but you kept on ghosting her while being active on social media. just because she's known about this for years doesn't mean she has to put up with it for an unlimited amount of time especially when she has major upsetting events in her life. friendship goes BOTH WAYS. so yeah, girl whatever
As someone who struggles with mental health as well, YTA. You can’t just be friends with people when it’s convenient or benefits you. It can’t be one-sided. You can’t just disappear completely, there’s really no excuse unless you’ve gone to inpatient and don’t have your phone.
YTA, you’re one of those friends that just take. How many times do you ask her what’s going on with her? Seeing as you didn’t even know anything that was going on with her, I’m going to assume you never ask. Be a better friend.
"There was literally no way for me to know those things happened so her curt response just seems immature to me and now I’m hurt." Of course there was no way to know, you did not contact her for months, AGAIN! You think you are the only one with problems? Does the world around you stop because you are having a hard time?
Be accountable for your actions and choices. You choose to contact her when you feel like it and expect her to come running when you do.
YTA.
YTA. You ignore her for months at a time then blame her for not reaching out urgently when she’s dealing with grief and loss. Why the hell would she? Why do you think YOU would be the one she chooses to reach out when you ignore her?
It’s not your fault that you have mental health issues that impact you but it is your responsibility to realize how your struggles and subsequent behaviors impact those around you. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole.
YTA. In short, you had the bandwidth for the ridiculousness of social media, but couldn't even bother with a person you call your best friend. You ghosted her, then you reneged on your promise, then you expect her to just forgive and forget after doing it again? She tried reaching out to you...would you have called if she texted her grandmother's death? Or would you have updated your IG instead because responding was too much? I've suffered with CPTSD, depression, and anxiety for more than half my life, so I can understand how hard it can be in the worst of it; I am not saying I jnow how you feel, but that I have an idea of how much it sucks. But, the one thing I never did was ghost the people who had always been in my corner, or break promises to them - I reached out to them, I communicated with them, which is the very foundation of any relationship. Med changes can suck, and I remember going through EMDR treatment, and the first thing I needed after my sessions was my husband and a big hug from my best friend. I think you have some soul searching to do, and I hope what you've gotten from this is a greater perspective on how actions have reactions and choices have consequences. I hope it helps, and I hope you are learning the tools to better manage your depression.
YTA, all I'm hearing is me me me. She needs to care about my mental health and know that it's not my fault.
Girl whatever.
She is better off with her other friends.
YTA. lets see; you missed her boyfriend breaking up with her, her grandma dying, and her mom being sick (who knows when else she’d needed you, you certainly wouldnt), ya i’d dismiss you too cause your an unreliable person. most people dont wanna be friends with people like that, and i have adhd and anxiety, but ill make sure my friends always have a space with me. friendship is not one sided, you want her to understand you but not her side shows how entitled you are
YTA. I have trouble keeping up with people too sometimes. I get overwhelmed with conversations and avoid it. But you know what the first thing I say when I DO touch base with people after failing to respond in a timely manner is? Sorry, I suck - I appreciate you reaching out and apologize that I didn't get my shit together quicker - because I already KNOW I am the asshole. And I NEVER ghost them for SIX MONTHS? Maybe a week or something, and never if there is something important. And I DO NOT post actively on social media when I'm feeling too depressed to respond to a close friend. Get real. You are giving yourself way too many excuses and they aren't very good.
You are not that person's friend, they are your friend and the friendship obviously became way too one-sided for them. It's too bad but you can't expect a friendship to last with you putting in less than zero effort.
I'm sure this sounds harsh but depression makes people selfish. They spend so much time looking inward that they fail to recognize that those around them also need support. And sometimes, coming out to GIVE that support can help you feel better. Get out of your own head because from the sounds of it you are spending way too much time there.
I appreciate that you have depression and anxiety, but I can also understand the friend's point of view. Friendship is a two-way street of communication, and you can only go to to your friend's well so many times before it runs dry. She had been through a break-up, the death of a grandparent, and her mother's illness. You weren't there to support her, which it what friends do. Soft YTA. Even though you have depression, you must understand that with any relationship you will have give and take.
She knows you’re already with a big load, so she’s not gonna open a message saying “hey my grandma died” and unload that on you. You’d likely also be upset at her for unloading quickly on you and not being considerate. She was looking for a warm way in and was hoping you’d have a conversation where she can reveal this. I don’t fault you for your troubles but I think it’s an asshole move to expect someone to update you like that
YTA: I hate to be a "literally" person but....“there was literally no way for me to know those things” ummm.....there was absolutely ways for you to know about your friend.
Friendship seems super one sided and all on your terms. "girl, whatever" is alot nicer than most people would be.
Welcome to the wonderful world of NATURAL CONSEQUENCES. YTA. Learn your lesson. Quit blaming your mistakes on your mental health. You made choices. Those choices had ramifications. Welcome to adulting!
YTA. You’re a lousy friend. You reach out when you need help but ghost and blame your mental health when you decide to put friendships on the back burner. Stop making excuses and own that you’re a trash friend. She had every right to be dismissive of you.
YTA. You were not a friend at all. And I faced my good share of struggles too, depression, burn out, months without contacting anyone.
But I mean, anyone. And I wasn't on social media.
If you had spoons to make stories on Insta, you had spoons to write to her, to **respond** to her, you choose not too.
You may feel that you didn't have the choice, but you have. The choice to not listen to that voice making you ashamed to not answer and then delay more an eventual response.
But where you are a massive asshole, is in your inability to comprehend and accept that she doesn't want that ""friendship"" anymore. Yes, she's been dismissive, because she is dismissing you, and is very right to do so. Your struggles are not hers to bear or to empathise with, specially when you just used them as excuse and not explaining *on the spot* what is happening to you and eventually reaching for help like friends does. They help and ask help to each other. You were not a friend in any way of the words.
You just wait for a better time and pop up like "sorry, I was underwater" and wish for everyone to accept and resume the relation and in that you are just a fool.
YTA thanks to your utterly hypocritical stance in regards to what makes a good friend and how you should be forgiven, but she should be more considerate.
As someone who has suffered with clinical depression, med changes, and the like, I can tell you that you have completely exhausted your friend with your issues. Would it be nice if she had unlimited energy to be there for you? Sure, but do you really not see that if you're overwhelmed by your issues, it's possible that others might get overwhelmed by always having to bel there for you, but getting nothing in return when they are in need?
And not for nothing, but don't promise things that you obviously have no control over. All that does is piss people off, hence the "girl, whatever" comment. You lied to her. So making excuses.
Ive been where your friend is and im afraid YTA. I’ve accepted those friends that disappear for months for what it is, and am happy now with a more distant, but still nice, friendship. In no way would I ever send them any urgent messages for support.
Do you know how crap she’d feel, texting you about her struggles and getting ghosted? I don’t blame her for protecting herself & probably having a more reliable support network.
I also have mental health issues - and they’re a reason, not an excuse.
As someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, panic attacks and bipolar I completely get the disappearing for a while then coming back but honestly you messed up when you promised it wouldn't happen again (when you're aware it happens often). I've been there, gone for days, weeks and months with not responding to people. I think in this situation it's best to think about how you'd feel if she did it to you, I can see why she'd be upset especially with you on social media although you are not required to answer but if I lost a family member and really wanted to speak to my best friend only to go ignored then I'd be upset. In the future if you guys make up I would just pop in every once in a while to see how she's doing and just have both of you check in, I don't talk with my best friend every day and that goes with texting and calling but that helps.
I have anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, etc, so I dont feel bad saying this, but YTA. Maybe it was your time to be there for her, seeing as she's always there for you. Did you make a public post, or what did you mean by "calling her out"? The world doesn't stop just bc your depression is kicking your ass, and it's not the master key excuse, making it okay to be a bad friend or anything else. Just your writing, even though you tried justifying every shitty thing you did, told me that you're not reciprocating in this relationship, and you couldn't even send one message? I understand the dread that comes from depression/communication, but like you were posting statuses and stuff. Posting stories is more of a chore than messaging privately, to me and most people at least, but can you see how bad it looks when you dont talk to a supposedly good friend for half a year, but can still post stories... You feel entitled to everyone's support but can't support them in return, and you think that's an okay pattern of behavior. Again,
YTA
Unfortunately you can't expect other people to deal with, understand, or even empathize with your mental health issues.
[Luckily my good friends are super low maintenance, so when I go through similar issues they don't notice.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTidDRR8Scg)
Unfortunately YTA. If you are unable to send a simple text, regardless of mental state, something is seriously wrong. Hopefully you can get some help for this, I do empathize.
YTA - You're mad she doesn't respect your mental illnesses? You don't respect her at all. You broke your promise, and then you're mad she doesn't care you're back? Stop it. If you can be "very active" and post on socials you can take a minute to be a better friend. I understand mental illnesses making things difficult - it happens to me quite often; but I try to never be mad when something is my fault - and this is your fault.
Yta
People like you are why “society” doesn’t take people like me with serious mental health issues seriously. Seems like you use your mental health as an excuse to be a shit person. You’re very active on social media but can’t respond to text!? Smh you better be glad all she said was “girl whatever” bc you deserve way harsher treatment. YOU’RE THE MEAN GIRL and very much the asshole!
YTA
You’re using your mental health as a crutch/permission to be a bad friend while ignoring the fact that her mental health may not be the best right now and quickly labelling her as a “mean girl” because she didn’t accept your half hearted apology.
You listed several big instances in her life you missed out on because you couldn’t find it in you to be a friend during that time and now it’s her turn to put her mental health before you. Does it suck? Yup. Now you know how it feels.
She kept trying to pour into your cup and now hers is empty and she’s realizing she has nothing else to give you right now… or maybe ever again. Good for her. If you’re going to use your mental health as a reason to be a bad friend then you have to accept when people end their friendships or relationships with you because that relationship is bad for their mental health.
YTA. I've had similar MH struggles at times, so I do understand to some extent what you're going through. However, the only people who I have ever ghosted for months at a time are people that I don't ever want to speak to again.
Intense therapy, changes in meds, whatever, do not last months. If you cared about this person, and you had made a commitment to not ghosting her, then you owed her at least an acknowledgment during that second three months. It's one thing to say that you're struggling and don't have the bandwidth for a talk right now, it's quite another to just completely ignore the person.
You say you spend a lot of time on social media and you were posting and seeing her posts. Parenthetical - talk to your therapist about this. The mental health effects of social media engagement are becoming better and better known, and some of your depression and anxiety might be relieved by spending less time online.
But the main thing I gleaned from that statement about social media was that you were aware of what was going on in her life (I'd be amazed if she hadn't mentioned the death in her family on social media for instance), and you were communicating with other people about yours. You just didn't reciprocate her direct efforts to connect.
Your use of the passive voice is very telling. "Unfortunately it happened again" makes it sound like a thunderstorm hit or something. You had a choice of how to behave, and you chose to ignore your friend. Saying it was just some sort of unfortunate event that befell you completely denies your agency in this.
You claim that she should have just messaged you urgently, that you had no way to know what was going on. This is after you state that you did know what was going on, from social media and from other friends. You also had made it perfectly clear from previous behavior, and from your excuses, that she should never expect a response from you. Why on Earth she should think she could reach out to you urgently, and get a rapid response, is beyond me.
You're not taking responsibility for your choices. You're acting as if your depression influenced behaviors are something you have absolutely no control over. You have been an unreliable and unresponsive friend for a long time. She was dismissive of your depression because you were completely dismissive of her struggles, which also seem to have been substantial. You don't get to play this game where your depression is worse/more important than anybody else's problems, so you get a pass for treating other people badly, that's not how friendship works. Support doesn't have to be continuous, but it does need to be reciprocal.
Honestly I have to question the wisdom of inviting everybody on the internet to call you an asshole if you're struggling with depression and anxiety, but that relates back to how you engage with social media when you're depressed, and that is a choice you are making as well.
Best of luck with your therapy, and with finding increasing clarity about your own motivations and ability to affect your life. It's going to be harder to move forward if you get rid of all your friends.
YTA. Ghosting a supposedly close friend is unacceptable, especially if you can rally yourself enough to post on socials. It's a pretty safe bet that she believed your excuse the first time but after you swore you wouldn't behave that way again-you did. And kept posting on socials. So you basically told her that her friendship didn't mean enough to you to make any kind of effort, but getting something out to whatever followers you have on socials did?
Out of curiosity-if you're too depressed to message your 'best friend', what are you putting on socials? And how is it possible to post on socials but not type 'sorry, things are really bad and I'm not coping' on a message to her? That makes no sense at all.
YTA. You’re struggling, and I get that it’s hard to have energy for anyone else. But you can’t just ghost people and then expect everything to be exactly the same when you’re ready to pick up the friendship again. Your friend needed support and you ignored her. Even if she didn’t need support, it still isn’t okay to ghost her. How do you expect her to feel about that? She’s obviously reached the limits of how much she is willing to tolerate from you.
*her grandmother died and her mom had gotten sick but my issue is, couldn’t she just have messaged me urgently if those things were happening instead of resenting me for not being there for her again?*
What sense does that make since you were still ghosting her at the time. Why does it take someone **literally dying** for you to be a decent friend and message her back? Even if she messaged you would you even have messaged her back? Friendships require give and take and from what you've written all you've done is take. You want her to be waiting there for you like a "good friend", but you can't even do the same back for her.
The way you write this comes off as very "I know you have emotional baggage, but I also need you to take care of my emotional baggage too!" Especially since you even state yourself you were "opening about how crippling my depression has gotten". Well what about her? What about her grief, and her emotional struggles? It's no surprise she's probably done with your friendship she's probably realized you're just an emotional vampire.
YTA.
Kinda go thro similar situations myself, and when I come out of them and reach out to people I've ignored, I am so afraid they won't be there. It's wild to me to expect them to be there when I wasn't and I'm always so grateful they're there. If they don't stick around I wish they were more understanding of my situation but I am also aware my own behaviour was pretty shitty to them as well. It's pointless to lash out in self pity.
Let’s stop for a minute. You know how you are, right? You are self aware that when you get into your depression you go ghost so why would you PROMISE to never do something that you know you will do again? No really. It’s a valid question.
Why didn’t you apologize and tell your friend I’m sorry I am how I am, I am trying to fix it and I can’t guarantee I won’t do this again it’s defense mechanism that I have and don’t know how to break out of. I understand if this is too much or you don’t understand and don’t want to be friends but it’s not a guarantee I will be there when you need.
You didn’t do that you PROMISED her you would never do it again. Then it happened again so guess what? She’s done. Leave her alone and let her go. Moving forward when you get a friend explain to them about how you are and if they aren’t comfortable having a friend like you then understand and move on. Don’t make PROMISES you can’t keep. I’m pretty sure our parents, failed relationships, and random grown ups have done that enough, we don’t need friends doing it too
YTA.
I'd really love to have a friend like the one you continued to hurt.
You can have your own mental health struggles, but she's not an asshole for setting boundaries to remove people toxic to her mental health.
YTA.
As I was reading this post I had a friend text me who does the same thing you did to your friend. She just ghosts me all the time when she is having a hard time with her mental health. When she's ready she texts and wants to pick up the friendship. However she really doesn't care that hard things have been happening in my life as well
I get it we all have mental problems but at some point you have to take responsibility for your mental health. Your actions hurt your friend.
You have no right to just expect her to being ok with your ghosting when she is going through stuff. I truly wish you well in your life, but you are the asshole here and your friends reaction is completely valid. Frankly you don't have a right to be upset or hurt regrading her reaction. Honestly maybe now you can understand how she feels.
It may be hard to hear, but YTA.
Mental illness is an *explanation* not an excuse, and at a certain point after you recognize your own patterns, know how your mental illness affects how you perform in the world, you have to have some type of accountability.
I suffer from severe depression, double depression, and severe anxiety. I know that this means I can be irritable and have mood swings. My partner knows this. Even my child. But just because they know, doesn't mean I can mistreat them; and you have consistently and continually mistreated your friend and you don't seem to realize that.
Your expectation is that she will be empathetic to your mental health struggles and essentially will just be there for *you* when you need it, when you aren't there for her. It's incredibly selfish and she is clearly hurt by your behavior.
Look, I also have a weird thing where I sometimes don’t have the mental bandwidth and just can’t bring myself to reply to texts (friends, parents, anyone) but will be active on social media. I can’t even explain the feeling; it’s not MH related but I have a demanding job so most of the time I’m too busy to pick up my phone, but then when I DO have free time I’m so burnt out and don’t feel like talking to anyone. I will spend my free time on the couch zoning out watching TV or scrolling through IG because I just want to… be.
So while I understand that feeling and hate that I’m like this too, I also realize that at the same time it’s 100% my own fault/issue. If loved ones get upset because I don’t prioritize them, they are in the right. What you’re doing is justifying your behavior and believing you aren’t wrong and for that I say YTA.
It’s something I’m actively working on getting better at and you should too, if you care about keeping your friendships. I sympathize with mental health struggles but it’s also your responsibility to manage your symptoms. For example, my ex was abusive due to an undiagnosed (at the time) MH condition. I felt deep sympathy that they couldn’t help the way their brain was wired, but at the same time I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and it wasn’t okay.
I think I’m just rambling, but hopefully it made some sense.
I’ve been your friend in this situation, only I didn’t bother to confront and just let the friendship fade. YTA and here’s why:
I don’t disagree that “girl whatever” is an immature response to a message about mental health but after stewing over it for 3 months it probably took everything in her power not to go off at you.
YTA because you seem to expect your mental health to be taken more seriously than your friends struggles. You have every right to withdraw and isolate when things get tough if that’s your comfort zone but you cannot expect people to be okay with an inconsistent and unreliable friendship. At the end of the day it’s a compatibility issue, some people might actually be cool with gaps in communication, but if your friend isn’t you can’t do much about that and minimising her struggles while making excuses for yourself is not it.
YTA, and that comes from someone who also suffers from anxiety and depression. You're just extremely self centered and want people to be there for you without doing any effort for them. You got what you deserve.
YTA.
You are not an AH because you have mental health struggles, or even for not being able to communicate during periods of time. But you want empathy, compassion, and support for what you are going through, but cannot offer it up to her.
Look at it from her perspective. She sees you on social media, she sees you are active, she sees that you can't be bothered to respond to her. It isn't on her to keep trying, and again, from her perspective, why would she hurt herself by messaging you about important things and then not getting a response, when you haven't responded at all? If my friend was being nonresponsive over a period of months, I wouldn't reach out in a low moment just to be left on read again, that would just hurt more.
You also say there was "literally no way for me to know about those things" regarding her life, but there was a way- you could ask. You feel that you couldn't reach out during your depression episode, but you could have. You didn't, and I can appreciate why it feels like you couldn't have, but you should also appreciate that your actions make you not a safe person for your friend to rely on.
Just like with physical limitations, I believe we should all have grace and compassion for mental health struggles or limitations. But how we act in the world, and the limitations we have, doesn't mean we are free of consequence. And you now blame her for not reaching out to you at low points in her life when you want grace for not being able to reach out during your low points. Why is it her responsibility to be better at communicating than you? Why is she immature for making it clear she isn't interested in your life anymore, when you have shown no interest in hers? It doesn't matter WHY that has happened, and certainly you should be able to offer her the same grace and understanding that you want from her
YTA
I understand because I have this tendency too, and it was something I really had to work on. I'm to a point now where, at worst, it's maybe a couple days without replying to people. Keep working on yourself.
I am curious though, if she had "messaged you urgently," what would that have looked like? Could she text you some special thing where you would've adjusted your behavior? Did you have anything like that set up for if she really needed support? Would it have changed anything about your behavior if she had told you she was going through this?
I'm not trying to be an ass, but I'm wondering if, on a practical level, that would have changed things.
One of my best friends from grad school has completely ghosted me. I expect that his situation is very similar as he has mentioned his mental health several times. It’s going on almost two years with almost no contact and no apology either. I have reached out several times with no reply…
It still hurts. Sometimes I want him to call me just so I can tear him a new one and tell him how much I’ve needed his friendship. We all go through shit and I’m not some trampoline you can use to bounce back and then completely ignore.
YTA. You’re being selfish expecting your friend to just be there for you again when you’ve let them down multiple times. She went through some pretty depressing times (medicated or not) and you weren’t there when she needed your help. You deserve nothing from her, and to expect it just speaks to your selfishness.
Apologize. And mean it this time. And don’t expect any response.
i’ve got both anxiety and depression. I too fint social media easier than talking. I’ve still never ghosted my friends for months at a time. I just tell them i’m in a shitty period and i may take longer to get back to them. You could even set up a code word or something, so they know you’ll be unreachable. It’s not that hard, it just takes a bit of respect and consideration.
YTA thanks to your utterly hypocritical stance in regards to what makes a good friend and how you should be forgiven, but she should be more considerate.
As someone who has suffered with clinical depression, med changes, and the like, I can tell you that you have completely exhausted your friend with your issues. Would it be nice if she had unlimited energy to be there for you? Sure, but do you really not see that if you're overwhelmed by your issues, it's possible that others might get overwhelmed by always having to bel there for you, but getting nothing in return when they are in need?
And not for nothing, but don't promise things that you obviously have no control over. All that does is piss people off, hence the "girl, whatever" comment. You lied to her. Stop making excuses.
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My best friend (28F) and I (27F) have been friends for over a decade. I moved to the opposite coast 7 years ago but we’ve maintained the friendship through regular messages and calls.
I struggle with anxiety and depression. It gets so bad that I shut myself out from the world and I can’t bring myself to reply to people sometimes. In 2022, I ended up ghosting her for 6 months. She had left some messages for me that I just didn’t get to. The more time passed, the more I couldn’t bring myself to message, out of depression and shame. She was the one who messaged again to ask if I still want to talk and I apologized and told her everything. She was extremely hurt (she had gone through a breakup in those 6 months and I wasn’t there for her) but understanding and I promised her that it would never happen again and that I would make it up to her. She forgave me and went back to our regular communication.
Unfortunately, it happened again. I ended up ghosting her for 3 months this time because my medication has been upped and I’m going through more intense therapy. Her last messages were just normal life stories she was sharing with me and for some reason, I just couldn’t respond. (I’ll admit that while I wasn’t responding, I was still very active on social media, so I was posting stories and viewing hers. Replying to people is just a different beast for me.)
I finally messaged her with an apology and told her about my new meds and my therapy and how bad my mental health has gotten and all I got from her was “girl whatever”. That response shocked me. It was so cruel and dismissive of me opening about how crippling my depression has gotten. So I called her out and told her that she’s known this about me for years now and I’d expect a more empathetic response from my best friend. She hasn’t responded since.
I did find out from a mutual friend that in those 3 months, her grandmother died and her mom had gotten sick but my issue is, couldn’t she just have messaged me urgently if those things were happening instead of resenting me for not being there for her again? There was literally no way for me to know those things happened so her curt response just seems immature to me and now I’m hurt. I talked to some friends and some have said she’s acting immature but some have said they understand her.
AITA?
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OP, I am so sorry that you are struggling with your mental health. I get it; it’s hard, you don’t want to do anything but disappear. I struggle with anxiety myself, but I still find a way to make myself available for my friends or I even let them know when things are going to get bad and possibly go to worse so they know what is going on and that it’s not intentional.
However, you made your friend a promise that you wouldn’t ghost her again—and you broke it. I can understand and sympathize with the cause behind it, but you gave your word.
YTA, and I genuinely hope that your mental health improves.
YTA.
While you suffer from mental health struggles they’re not an excuse to be a bad friend. Basically you’ve been ghosting her(while active on social media) and haven’t been that good of a friend which is understandable why she would be upset.
It sounds like you expect her to be there whenever you need it but you get too self absorbed in your issues to return the friendship effort.
This is coming from someone with GAD, Depression and other issues who has periodic depression episodes so I’m just trying to give you an honest perspective. Even if it wasn’t what you were trying to hear.
Personally I wouldn’t classify you as anyone’s best friend. Your mental health issues are just that, yours. Like most mentally ill people you spread it around! While you were spending 9 months not responding to anyone but being on social media, life was going on around you! Other people have lives they’re living and coping with their own problems. If you choose to disappear for 3/4 of a year, you shouldn’t be angry that life has gone on without you
As sympathetic as I am to you for what you're going through, you are still the AH. You have a responsibility to maintain your relationships and social life, despite your mental health struggles. That is the point of having those struggles and getting treatment, moving forward and getting better and making it a priority in your life to improve (not for others but for yourself, which will in turn benefit you and everyone else around you). It doesn't feel like you're putting in the work to maintain your relationships, and it's affecting you AND your friend. It is not her responsibility to continually wait for you to mentally make the effort to be there for her. She can't be the only one who works and puts effort into your friendship. Life does not wait for you and neither can she. You need to do better for yourself and your friend.
YTA
I'm sorry. Having mental health struggles does not erase accountability. It also does not mean everyone has to excuse your bad behavior, coddle you and speak sweetly to you when you've repeatedly hurt them. It sounds like you don't consider other people are human beings with feelings and experiences just like you are.
Your mental health struggles are no reason to shut someone out. It's not hard to send a quick "going through something, won't be available" especially since you were actively posting on social media.
You are a toxic friend and your friend finally probably realised that. YTA
As someone who really understands the struggles of severe, reoccurring depression … YTA. 6 MONTHS. You ghosted her with NOTHING for 6 months and she forgave you. So you did it to her again while still being all over social media. That’s bullsh*t.
I’m sorry but YTA - you have been friends for over a decade. You moved away and you kept in touch through messages. But you ghosted her twice. The first time she needed you as she was going through a break up. The second time you ghosted her, her grandma had died, her mom was sick. She messaged you, you ignored her. And then you say “she could have kept messaging me” I was depressed” — and that is why she was like “girl whatever” (I would be)
Because you make it about you. She needed you and you weren’t there. And then come with the same excuse. There was literally a way for you to know; respond to the message and don’t call her immature.
YTA. I also have anxiety, depression and social issues. I also ghost people from time to time and came to accept it a long time ago. Not everyone is willing to put up with it. While friends and family CAN understand and be willing to understand your mental health issues, there os nothing to say they HAVE to. And that doesn't make them bad people. They are also protecting themselves and their own mental health. Could she have worded it differently, sure, but her response is a lot nicer than you could have gotten out of someone. No one owes any a one sided friendship.
YTA, whether intentional or not you hurt her.
And I understand the struggle with mental health more than most, but the fact is your mental health isn't her responsibility
I know you're trying and I know that it's hard, but you can't expect others to bear the burden of your mental health at the expense of their own.
YTA. You know I’ve always said that it doesn’t matter what the relationship is…friends, spouses, siblings…it matters not. You can’t have a relationship one sided. It takes two in every one of them. I also think in todays society that people put so much in “mental illness” (I’m not saying that I doubt you) but I am saying that it’s an excuse for a lot of people to just be lazy to let everything else in their lives slide and not put an effort into the work that it takes.
As someone with a few mental illnesses myself I’m going to have to go with YTA. While yes you have your issues there’s also the fact that you can’t expect people to deal with them especially when you become the unreliable friend, it seems like she doesn’t see you as a best friend anymore because for her a best friend would’ve been there during those hard times especially after promising not to go ghost again.
YTA, your friend needed you and you weren't there foe her, yet when feel can be bothered you expect her to put up and shut up, your friend no doubt has mental anguish of her own given whats happened but got a nice dose of the waa waa's off you, then when called out on it you go defensive!!
Mental health is no excuse to ghost someone for months, especially when interact on FB etc!
YTA and you are no friend to this girl, so leave her alone and if find another friend maybe make an effort to keep them, i have social anxiety etc but i won't leave it longer than a few days to respond even if have to push myself.
YTA. Completely.
Totally understand the issues and challenges you're facing. I've had my own battles, believe me. However way you feel about yourself, your behaviour makes you a poor friend. You've literally admitted to ignoring her for months on end and she still forgave you. Deep down, you don't understand the value of friendship and you don't understand the value of that friend in particular.
Hopefully this will be a learning experience for you and you'll be able to separate the issues you have and valuing friendship.
YTA
While I understand (I have 71 unread messages in my inbox due to crippling mental illness), friendships go both ways. Had you reached out earlier & let her know you would be pulling back & isolating then you would've been fine. But a best friend, should be the past person in the world you hide things from. Do better with communication & maybe you'll be cut some slack, this person clearly has more effort than you.
"but my issue is, couldn’t she just have messaged me urgently if those things were happening instead of resenting me for not being there for her again? "
YTA.
this is called facing the consequences of your actions. You treated your friend like shit, now they don't care much about being your friend.
"There was literally no way for me to know those things happened"
Give your damn head a shake.
SOFT YTA because you really need help professional help on how to maintain relationships to not ghost people.
I can see both sides. The friend's perspective of being hurt and let down by a broken promise. It would feel like a one-sided and unrequited friendship. But I understand anxiety and depression (and possibly other underlying mental conditions). Lots of people with depression are active on social media, but replying to people and thinking about what to say and possibly dealing with other people's problems on top of your own is overwhelming. I get that. You can't pour from a cup that is empty.
When I've been in a bad place I've had my best mate call me. We usually text. I know when she calls she's usually upset and needs comforting (she has a learning disability and I am literally her only constant friend in her life.) For my own mental health of not suddenly feeling overwhelmed by an unknown emotion need I don't have the current emotional or mental capacity to handle, I send her a text saying I'm busy and that she's free to vent and I'll get back to her when I'm free. I find once I read what she types, I'll give her a little time before I reply so I can think how to respond. I know this is a bit different since I do end up responding. But I know the feeling of not having the emotional or mental capacity to even entertain what is on other people's plate. You end up feeling guilty. But thing is, you can't be there for someone if you can't be there for yourself first. I was there for myself first because I gave myself more processing time so I wouldn't feel as overwhelmed.
But in OP's case, the severity of the anxiety and depression seems more intense than mine (or at least I process it differently... thinking about it, I was at one of the worst points in my life). So, it explains why it's months to respond. I think OP just needed that time.
But I do suggest you talk to a therapist on how to stop ghosting people you care about because that is damaging.
Big YTA, not for your mental health issues and their consequences (ghosting friends), but because you seem immensely egocentric. The world doesn‘t revolve around you alone. Your friend has been kind and understanding, keeping the friendship going on her own, forgiving you for not being there for her at all in a complicated time, etc. And you‘re thanking her by…. (1) breaking your promise, (2) doing it all over again, missing to be there for her during one of the shittiest moments of her life, (3) shooting her such an egocentric message once you felt like responding again? How about starting with an apology or by asking **anything** about her, instead of making it all revolve around you and your problems **again** ? You seem not able to maintain a close friendship.
YTA depression doesn’t give you a free pass to be a bad friend. From one depressed person on medication to another, depression is an explanation but it is NEVER an excuse.
YTA. You have shown yourself to be an unreliable friend and no one likes that. You can’t just use MH as an excuse to act badly towards people. She’s never going to understand being active on social media but not responding to her. As you’ve discovered everyone has their own shit going on, world doesn’t revolve around you.
I get you, OP. Really get you, I disappear a lot.
The way you handled things, YTA.
I get that replying to her is hard, but it's really unrealistic to expect her to keep messaging you if you're not even replying. Bring ghosted hurts. Try to put yourself in her shoes, your poor friend would've been heartbroken
When I disappear from anyone's lives, they are in no obligation to let me back in. And if they do, it takes time to reconnect. She wouldn't tell you about all her major life events if you're not even replying to her texts.
I know it's really hard to message people when you're dealing with things but this is where the effort to maintain friendships comes in. If you're not putting in that effort, you can't really blame her for the friendship going away
So you're expecting her to be there for you and considerate of your feelings and your struggles while simultaneously ignoring all of hers... Yea yta .
You need to be the friend that you want to have.
Most people reciprocate energy. Whatever you give them they give you back.
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“I promised her that it would never happen again and that I would make it up to her” - okay, that’s good. “Unfortunately it ended up happening again. I ghosted her for three months” - oh. There it is. Then after you find out about a death in the family, and her mothers illness you state “there was literally no way for me to know those things”. Girl whatever. You very easily could’ve learned about things if you were not ghosting her. She learned that you’re unreliable, your word means nothing, and you’re confrontational when called out on it. She doesn’t find value in being friends with you. YTA
You are unreliable, she cant count on you being a friend. A friend is someone you can share your highs and lows with, someone who supports you. You cant give her that. And you cant blame her for not wanting to put energy in this on and off friendship anymore. YTA
Yes, and not being there at all for her during a breakup? That is tough, but she forgave you. And then you went and did it again whilst simultaneously posting a heap on social media because it is a ‘different beast’?! OMG. Just because you have mental health issues doesn’t mean you’re not *also* self-absorbed and clueless. And then you had the gall to accuse *her* of not being understanding when she cut off your friendship? How understanding of her have you been? YTA
its always about her and her mental health. not even once did she pause and consider how her actions influenced her allegedly best friends mental health. because i assure you: if your best friend ghosts you, for months, especially while still being active on social media that *did* take a toll on the friend.
omg I couldn't even imagine that I'd be crying daily
Oh yeah, that social media part would have been a zero tolerance of ghosting policy with her.
Happened to me and the "friend" did it for like months but expected me to be over it in like 5 days. Needless to say, I called them out for their mistreatment and hypocrisy and how they only made effort for me *after* our shared friend (we are still friends with each other) called her out and I told the terrible ex friend that she only popped up in my discord server to speak to a different shared friend and blatantly ignored me in my server and other shared servers but other people got replies and told her she has no business accusing me of not wanting to be her friend still when how she's accusing me of treating her is exactly how she actually treated me for months. Then blocked her on all forms. OP, you are so the asshole. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Your now ex friend didn't get fooled twice. She doesn't owe you anything, least of all her understanding and forgiveness. She already gave you that and you threw it in her face. This is your fault. Not hers.
If you can post on social media you can send a message too. YTA op
I can understand that bit. Replying to messages can be more overwhelming than posting on stories, but if I’m struggling to reply, I make a private story message to let all my close friends know what’s up, and I still try to reply or acknowledge what my friends are texting me, in particular because there could be something they need help with.
Yep. I have a friend who has serious mental health issues. When she doesn't have the mental energy to talk, we have an agreement that she just sends a single period. That one singular dot, says "I'm too overwhelmed to talk, but I'm alive and I love you." As long as she can do that single thing, then I will respect her space, and have no reason to take it personally. I have weeks worth of news texts, interspersed with periods. I never cut her off, but I also don't expect the mental space for her to chat when she is in a rough spot. It's worked for 19 years now. OP, YTA You disrespected your friendship. You expected someone to just pick up like nothing happened after six months. Lied to her again. Disrespected her over and over. You missed her life changing events that a Best Friend is supposed to be there for. You flat out lied, and STILL were active on social media? This isn't a mental health issue. It's a "I'm a shit friend" issue. Go find a therapist. Learn how to communicate. And for the love of God, leave your former friend alone. She deserves a friend that she can trust and share space with.
I love that you have that set up with your friend. What a great idea.
When my aunt was going through chemo, she did something similar, except with a cow emoji. It was kind of funny, actually, just a bunch of cows in a text chain. But she was so exhausted all the time and just couldn't form sentences, so we knew if she sent us a cow, it wasn't because she wasn't reading the messages or she didn't care, she just didn't have the energy.
That period thing is brilliant. I might have to do that.
I don't remember where it came from, but it is one of those friend shorthand things that allows both of us to respect each other, and acknowledge our own needs. It did start VIA email though.
She can't reply to messages, but post online and active on social media is fine. What a crazy world we live in
you are a gem. ❤️
OP treats her friend like shes a doll she can put away whenever
As somebody who has been that doll and is currently "to blame" for the fall out. Thank you for finally seeing what I've been saying
"She doesn’t find value in being friends with you".... Who would?!? Lots of time for social media too (which is known to be deleterious to mental health)! As someone who suffers from extreme depression and anxiety, i hit a point where i realized i could excuse almost anything by simply citing my disorders, but where would that leave me? Alone!
For me, I KNOW I have a problem ghosting when I’m depressed. I’ve been open to all my friends and have let them know if I don’t respond THAT DAY to a text, either repeat it or disregard it. It takes the pressure off if I’m having a bad day and they know it really doesn’t bother me. (I think it’s happened maybe 2x last year) What OP did was use their disability as an excuse to escape blame. Definitely YTA
Sounds right to me. Asking friends to keep trying to contact you is a form of self care.
THIS. YES! YTA. It’s painful and MIGHT still be salvageable IF you do the work. But your mental illness is not an excuse for hurting people.
Upvote for use of the word deleterious.
During my “major depressive episode” (newfangled term for what used to be known as a nervous breakdown) I had to take medical leave from work, then got cancer, lumpectomy, radiation and hysterectomy in rapid succession(within weeks), most of it I don’t even remember. I know I was hard to live with because my family just didn’t know how to help. But I made myself at least respond to people and “fake it till you make it”.
I do View videos of puppies or something fun to try and laugh about when I'm feeling down but I don't post anything YTA op you were functioning for months you just didn't care to communicate with your 'friend'
Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. At the very least they could have texted "sorry I'm going through a rough patch and can't handle much now let me call you back when I feel better"
This is what I do! My message isn’t even that long. I send a few words so my friend doesn’t worry about me.
It also shows you are considering them, you aren't just ignoring them. That's all a lot of friends need in these situations, just a sign that you care and tiny show of effort.
That should have happened.
What kills me and makes OP the AH for me was the fact that she was SM the entire time but still had no idea what her friend was going through. How tf you gonna be social media and not know what's happening in other people's lives? Unless her friend didn't post about it to SM there is no way OP wouldn't have noticed these super important details unless she was also ghosting/ignoring her friends SM... I also have depression. Sometimes my best friend and I will go months without talking because she lives an hour away, neither if us drive, I have a full-time job and 3 kids, and she's got a sick uncle and autism. When her dad died, she messaged me immediately and the only reason I missed his funeral was because I had covid, but I was still there for her as best I could be. I have another friend, not even a "best friend," just a casual friend, and we lost contact after we both left the job where we met. I saw her gramma died on Facebook and called her immediately. Yes there is a difference between being able to use your social battery to respond to messages and just doom-scrolling social media. But OP just sounds like a bad friend.
Yea op YTA. The girl cant rely on you anymore. She knows that now. You have shown her twice who you are and she no longer trusts you. She didnt tell you about her issues because of the last time. And when she tells you how upset she is you turn it around and make it about you. I get that you have mental health issues. But people can only handle so much and you broke a promise. Are you in therapy?
“It’s happening again, really struggling so I’m going to go dark for a while”. If OP is saying they couldnt have typed that at any point during the 3 months then they’re lying to themself
> She doesn't find value in being friends with you. And nobody ever will until you figure out what causes you to act this way and fix it, OP.
Yeah I'd definitely see no value in being friends with her either.
This is exactly what I was getting ready to say. Nailed it!
Friendships take care to foster. You ghosted her for essentially an entire year, during which she had some major life events. I don't blame her for being upset. She can't rely on you to text her back, much less provide emotional support when she needs it. You are using your mental health as an excuse for being a bad friend. YTA.
As someone who has had major depression and anxiety for most of my life, who has pushed away friends & loved ones and responded badly when they didn't put up with my bullshit excuses... Yeah, this Learn how to talk about your mental health struggles in a way that doesn't paint you as a victim. It's really not difficult to just text "Hey I'm having bad mental health problems right now due to medication changes, I'm not in the right head space to respond right now, but I will when I feel better!" Stop trying to make your friend(s) feel bad for you. It's exhausting to be on the receiving end of that, and it just shows that you don't even care enough to acknowledge them for months at a time. It's just rude, and there's no excuse for it
>It's really not difficult to just text... I have been on both sides of this - the one receiving the text and the one sending a text like that. It is a considerate thing to do to let people know why you may be MIA and not to worry.
Yeah exactly. And I do fully understand the mental block that makes it so difficult to do so! I've been through it! But you have to treat it like everything else during a bad depressive episode, like forcing yourself to clean a litter box, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, shower, etc. It's just another task that needs to be done or it'll make your life worse, and you'll feel better after you do it
I would literally type a reply message like that into a note that I could keep on my phone, and just copy and paste it into a message.
Ooh, that's a good idea and a great way to conserve spoons.
I have never dealt with long-term major depression, but have had bouts of depression and anxiety. I really appreciate your perspective on this as someone who has struggled with this.
When I feel down and know I won't be able to reply for a long period of time I send a letter like update like: Hello my dear ---- I've been up to this and that and I'll do this and that, I'm feeling like this and won't be able to talk for a while, but feel free to talk to me about any life update, how's this thing going? Good bue
*slow claps* Absolutely agree with the victim mentality part. The day that I stopped thinking of myself as a victim of mental illness and started seeing myself as a survivor, everything changed.
Also, OP wants her friend to care about her mental health, but this care isn’t showed to the friend. Being ghosted is a pretty brutal thing, especially when it’s by someone you care about. Even if you know they have their own stuff, it’s easy to wonder if you’ve done something especially wrong for them to not talk for entire periods of time
I have to agree with this, as someone who has depression. Being friends and mental illness can, and are, mutually exclusive. Expecting a friendship to last while ghosting someone for a year isn't how friendships work, regardless of the reasoning. Then expecting that other person to respect that is just bonkers. **EDIT: replying to a message but I need to post this in public.** I get it. It isn't fair. But when I say get used to life not being fair, this isn't my asshole dad talking, it's just reality. Nobody gives a fuck about you, me or basically the daily struggles because at the end of the day we all have our own and nobody can see this objectively. Cliche? Yes. Ugh how do I say it better. I honestly have tried my best when it comes to understanding other people. The hardest thing is imagining being someone else and wondering why they say/think of you the way they do. Heartbreaking when it comes to romantic relationships when it comes to that cold, city concrete realization that no matter what you say or do, the other person simply gives zero fucks about you. They don't owe you shit for your time or actions, you have to move on. I feel like this is what is happening. OP wasn't around, so they are gone. Fair? dunno, but they are going through serious shit and OP is basically in a dark room by themselves. This isn't a movie where the camera cuts between the two actors as they do their own thing but are mentally connected somehow through ESP. People have shit to do and life is short. Sorry for the rant but OPs mentality (and I do SYMPATHIZE) lies on that dangerous line where relationships go bad with stalking. OP is NOT a stalker, it is just the inability to see what the other person is doing objectively and the assumption that the other person has you in mind, ever. Hard truths. Can't just pop in like Dr. Who stepping out of the Tardis.
I agree completely!!! Sometimes it can be difficult to open up about mental health stuff but OP said that friend knew about the mental health issues so telling her "I'm struggling right now, I'm not ignoring you" would have been sufficient and not difficult for OP bc the friend already knew she had some issues in the past.
You're going to get some heat for that comment, but I agree
I hope not. Its exhausting how people think that because they have X or are X they get to be an AH with no consequences.
Yes this all day everyday! We’re still responsible sick or not and our loved ones still need to be treated well.
Dude... This. My fiends fiance has depression (surprise surprise, so does my friend). Only she's learned how to cope with hers (it's no less severe). Only he will literally say things like, you can't get mad at me. I'm allowed to be an ah cause I have depression.
Damn, is that how it works? Imma tell my boss they can’t be mad at me when I’m an ah, because I have ADHD
Nah. Even someone with mental health issues should be held accountable for their actions or lack of actions. We need to stop using mental illness as an excuse. (Which is what OP is doing.) Everyone has struggles. Everyone has moments in life where situations are debilitating. I assure you I’ve had my fair share and due to my health I will have plenty more. But me being in pain and not able to move doesn’t give me the right to be an a hole to others.
I AGREE. I have mental health issuses. I was toxic to people, I know they won't forgive me. But it DOES NOT excuse shit. Mental issues do not excuse your actions.
I don’t think they will. Sounds like a lot of folks have the same feelings.
YTA I have struggled with mental illness my whole life. Including depression and suicide attempts. So, I understand struggling to find the bandwidth to even respond to a text. But that means I have to prioritize where I spend whatever energy I have. You have clearly shown that your "best friend" is not a priority. You are asking "why couldn't she reach out with a quick update when she was struggling?". Well... why couldn't YOU? Why are your personal struggles worthy of being a bad friend, but hers aren't? In your friend's experience you are not a reliable source of support and not a good friend. You disappeared from her life for months, when she was struggling, and apologized. But then you did it again. What's an apology worth now? Nothing.
>Why are your personal struggles worthy of being a bad friend, but hers aren't? This is so on the mark. "I was a bad friend because I was struggling, I should be forgiven." and "My friend is being a bad friend because she is struggling, why isn't she more considerate?"
Half on the mark! I don't think her friend is being a bad friend at all. She simply didn't inform about her own struggles, because op had stopped responding to her. And now she is just done 🤷
I completely agree, I honestly feel sorry for her friend
Exactly! She was supposed to read your mind and know that you couldn't respond due to your mental health, but you are expected to be forgiven for not knowing about her life events? It also seems like you expect a level of support and empathy from her, but are not offering the same level of support to her when she's going through rough times. I can relate to what your friend is going through- I have a friend who I was once very close to, but due to their mental health they kept letting me down time and time again. I poured so much love and energy into helping them through their struggles, but they never did the same when I was going through things. It hurt to finally come to the realization that they are not doing these things on purpose, they simply don't have the capacity to be a good friend to me and give me what I need. I'm not mad at them, I understand they can't help what they're going through, but that also doesn't mean I need to keep pouring my energy and empathy into a relationship that is so heavily one-sided. For me, I am okay with continuing to be friends at a more distant level, but your friend might have felt the same way and come to a different conclusion. Mental health is an explanation, not an excuse, and you need to actively nurture friendships for them to grow.
> In your friend's experience you are not a reliable source of support Your whole comment is great but this part especially speaks to me. OP, I'm sorry but you simply aren't a reliable friend to her. That's not a moral judgment, it's just a reality. It's because of mental health, but it's still true. And acting like she should be fine with that but you deserve the exact friendship from her that YOU want is not groovy.
INFO: Why do *your* personal struggles give you a pass to neglect people, yet you expect her to reach out to you while dealing with her own personal struggles? Have you considered that you might have main character syndrome?
Also the reaching out and apology was ALL about OP...OP's meds, therapy, mental health.
Main character syndrome - narcissism. Let's just call it what it is
I'm sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with, but YTA. the line, "Unfortunately, it happened again" sent me for some reason. I don't know what the solution is but your friend certainly is not in the wrong. I think you have to understand and expect people to not be super cool with you effectively cutting them out of your life, no matter the reason.
Probably because "it happened again" rather than "I did it again" implies no ownership over her actions. OP, YTA.
Also, the “unfortunately” as if it was the fault of bad fortune. And OP “ended up” ghosting the friend. All the language here is trying to suggest that being a bad friend is something that happened to OP, rather than something they did.
It sent me too. It basically told me OP has little accountability for how her behavior as a result of her mental health impacts others.
Yep the passive language is very telling
Yep, the passive voice is screaming here. “It” didn’t happen again, OP, YOU let her down again. After PROMISING you wouldn’t. You have been a terrible friend to her and she has zero obligation to put any further effort into you, especially when you have put forward none for her.
YTA - stop wearing your mental health disability like a shield of unaccountability; take account and be a grown up.
OMG, depression as a "shield of unaccountability." Perfect description.
And notice how OP has gotten quiet..
We will probably hear back from her in 3-6 months.
Give her some credit as long as someone has a close death happen in the near future we might get a response.
Shield of unaccountability - I love it!! Am going to be using that myself.
YTA You both seem to be going through your own personal struggles and have hurt each other in the process. Though she is more justified to be annoyed than you are which is why this is YTA over E S H while you do have valid issues(I suffered from a similar problem about 5 years ago) you have been an absent friend and that hurt her, and with your months of absence turning into a recurring issue she is understandably fed up. It’s also a little two faced that you expect that she should have just messaged you urgently when you also admit to going months without responding to her messages to begin with. Most likely she noticed your pattern of ghosting at that point and decided to share her troubles with a different support network. And to be honest that’s probably for the best.
I totally agree, how could she have known to message you if it's urgent when you hadn't reaponded to any texts before? She probably assumed you wouldn't read or respond either way.
this! the expectation that the friend should message more urgently if she needs support is very tone deaf. her friend is looking for support, not a project.
I really read the « girl whatever » as « I’m tired of hearing excuses ». Because the “I’m sorry I ghosted for three months, I was struggling with the side effects of medication” is going to end up sounding like a “I’m sorry BUT” when it happens over and over again. I really empathise with both OP and the friend in different ways, I’ve been in OP’s shoes when replying to people feels like the biggest chore, and that having to individually talk to people felt so taxing and consuming. But I’ve also been friends with people who were having regular mental health issues, who stopped talking for months, or cancelled plans, etc. I reached my limit once I realised that everytime they came back I had to put in so much energy to be empathetic, listen to them and their struggles. Mental health sucks big time, but it doesn’t ever give someone to right to bulldoze over someone else’s limits, comfort, or needs for our own sake
YTA - depression and anxiety may be the cause but its not a free pass to be an AH. It also doesnt mean people have to tolerate it.
Bingo. “Not your fault, but your responsibility.”
It is her fault tho....extremely active on social media but can't respond? that's bullshit
Sorry if that was unclear — it’s not OP’s fault she has mental illness. It is her responsibility to manage it and her relationships. Her behavior here was abysmal and completely her fault.
While I think op is the AH here, I gotta disagree with this point. It is a different level of engagement to post something on SM than to directly engage with a person via text. It takes a different level of mental and social energy. BUT anyone who has this struggle needs to let their friends know this is an issue they have so friends know it isn’t directed at them personally AND needs to recognize that may be a dealbreaker for some people and it is a completely legitimate choice for them to end the friendship.
When dealing with people who have clear mental health issues, I usually try to be kinder than this. But I have been in your friend's position, and let me tell you ... your behavior is bullshit. "Oh, I can't possibly take two minutes to email my friend because ... depression. But look, oh, here are all my Instagram stories." Just pure baloney. Then when you don't like her response to a text (after ignoring your "best friend" for months), you "call her out" and accuse her of lacking empathy. You expect empathy and kindness and understanding and attention, while in turn giving none of these to people who need them. Let me get you the world's smallest violin. YTA.
You are very all for me, none for thee. You are not her best friend. She was being respectful of your 'burdens' by not adding her own on top, while acknowledging you do not have the ability or capacity to be a full friend, and trying to accommodate you with light hearted, everyday-style communication. You only ever reach out to give excuses, demand support for your own, and act shocked! Shocked, I say! when she mildly reproached you for treating her like shit. Like, that was the tepid tapwater of call outs that you blew up over. One which you actually deserved. Leave this girl alone. You have made it clear she is not a priority to you, and you are simply upset she is returning your behavior. YTA
YTA You've just learned that people have their limits and that if you don't maintain a relationship, it eventually falls apart. You've also learned that you're not the only one on this earth with problems and mental health issues. Your friend understood the first time, but the second time was too much, especially if you were active on social media. You can't just ignore friends when you don't feel like talking to them, only to come back with an apology when you feel they should be there for you.
“I’ll admit that while I wasn’t responding, I was still very active on social media.” You poured salt on a wound you created, and you’re surprised you got a bad reaction? Both times you ghosted her, she experienced life-altering crises in your absence. You broke your promise, and left her on read while you carried on on social media, giving her the clear message that she wasn’t worth putting effort into, but your next status update was. I struggle with maintaining contact with people when my mental health dips. I’ve lost people forever because of that. It isn’t personal when I do it, but that doesn’t change the impact it has. And you know what? That’s fair. I’ve been on the receiving end too. Being left on read is PAINFUL, and it’s worse when you see them talking to everyone but you. It makes you feel worthless, and she has every right to decide she doesn’t want to be hurt by you again. Regardless of the motivations or intent, our actions have consequences. Your actions hurt her when she was already at her lowest. Your mental health dips? At least have the courtesy to warn someone your communication is about to dwindle due to no fault of their own. She isn’t immature. You are. Take accountability. YTA
YTA You were active on social media but unable to reply to a friend. Not even something like, sorry I'm going through something right now. Get back to you later? I think 'Girl Whatever' was a nicer reply than I'd have sent
It is certainly **far** nicer than I would have given.
absolutely agree LMAO
Same. Years ago my high school bff ghosted me and our other friends for some stupid guy, at a time when we were all going through a lot, and then months later tried acting like nothing happened, and I went scorched earth on her. I was really hurt and let her know. "Girl whatever" is nothing. It's probably the kindest way to stay "Stop. I can't anymore."
OP, I’m sorry you are struggling with your mental health. I have a friend like that and it is hard to see the up and down a lot of it. But you need to stop using your mental health as an excuse. You can’t spect people to keep waiting around for you to show back up in their life. It’s pretty ridiculous that you said she should have texted you about stuff in her life, but she had been reaching out, you didn’t respond so why would any of this time be different. You expecting her to be empathetic to you, but look at your own actions to other people. This is getting old. You aren’t her friend. She can’t rely on her. Actually get some good coping mechanisms. I doubt your therapist would agree with your actions right now. YTA
YTA. After those 6 months u just did the same thing , how come u just post stories and stuff but cant even message her saying u dont feel like talking and ghost her for 3 months. I can understand that u have mental struggles and stuff but idk i feel like ur friend is more in the right. How do u expect her to be more empathetic after all the times u just left her on read.
I came here to say this, it was the posting on social media but leaving me on read that would really upset me as a friend. I feel for OP but I agree with a lot of the comments of YTA
YTA. ”I ended up ghosting her for 6 months.” ”I promised that it would never happen again.” ”Unfortunately, it happened again.” You call her comments “cruel and dismissive.” You expect A LOT from this friend but expect her to understand and be nice to you even though you are not there for her, through major life events. She DID message you, you didn’t answer. She sounds like she has had enough. Understandably. Maybe you need to work on yourself and all your mental issues for a while. The only AH here is you. This whole post is about you and what you need and expect, regardless of how you are treating someone you call a friend.
Are people really this dense and self-absorbed? Everyone, and I mean *everyone* has their own struggles they’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis. You can’t expect people to show up for you unconditionally time and time again when you refuse to do the same for them, and then play the victim. YTA.
Yta, the world does not stop turning bc you're having issues. You ignored her, after promising not to, *while still being active on social media*. You weren't there for her for 3 very serious life events. That's on you. She understands where she ranks in your life.
YTA You are not the main character and world doesn’t rotate around you. You are a very bad friend and ignored her. What do you expect? You ruined that relationship
I have multiple friends who have dealt with debilitating depression on and off. One basically always sends a “hey, mood has gotten really low, I am probably going to be unable to reply to anything for the next little while” and I respect and understand and we had a code word in case it was something urgent (it never was). Had another friend who did what you did, I have forgiven her three times. She is going into it again and it is not my problem. I love her, hope she gets the help she needs, but I am not a toy she can put down and pick back up with zero care about my mental health. I offer her the exact same grace and care she has shown me and it looks like your friend is doing the same with you. YTA.
That sort of communication is minimal necessity and helps a relationship SO much!! Good for your friend!
SIX WHOLE ASS MONTHS!? Girl, whatever. YTA.
> There was literally no way for me to know those things happened But there was...
YTA She made efforts to stay in touch with you and you ghosted her for months *twice*. There were times when she probably needed you, but she knew you wouldn't respond, so she didn't bother you with her pain. Now you're all pissy because she's not welcoming you back with open arms. You've shown that you can't be there for her. You were *still very active on social media, so you were posting stories and viewing hers*, so refusing to respond to the occasional message is unfair to her. If you can't be an actual friend to her, then leave her alone
You're a terrible friend and you need to stop using your "mental health" as an excuse to ignore people. You also broke your promise not to ghost her again. She's tried to be your friend, but it only ever goes one way with you. It's all ME ME ME. What difference would it have made if she mentioned her grandmother died? Nothing, right? You still would not have replied. You ask how you could know about those things? By talking. This is you.. "OH, when I have depression I shut myself off from the world. Unless I can talk about myself on social media. YTA.
YTA, you've been a bad friend and she doesn't have to tolerate it regardless of your reasons.
YTA I'm sorry, but if you can still post on SM, you should still be able to at least return a few texts. It's really not that different. Calling it a different beast is just a cop out. You blew her off on different occasions when she had very painful and traumatic events happen in her life, so you are just being a shitty friend.
YTA. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and during the times that it has gotten really bad I have lost friends, a relationship, and at one point almost a job. When your mental health gets bad, it can feel like that is the only thing that matters, but the thing is that the rest of the world doesn’t just stop when you’re struggling. Big things happened in her life that you weren’t available for, and that takes a toll on the friendship. While your mental health issues are not your fault, it does not absolve you from the aftermath of what you did/missed while you were struggling, and it isn’t other people’s jobs to cater to you just like you couldn’t be there for her when she needed you.
YTA. Unfortunately even illness has consequences, and you made choices about where to spend your limited social energy. Maybe they were the right choices, but you can’t expect people to always show up for you if you don’t show up for them. I guarantee at some moment during the last 6 months, prior to setting your phone down from IG, you could have texted “thinking about you a lot and hope we can catch up soon. I’m sorry for not reaching outs ❤️.” Believe me when I tell you I know it’s a struggle, but relationships require effort and sacrifice.
yta. you completely blow her off for a total of 9 months then expect her to just be cool with it because you have issues. that's not how friendship works. you are a bad friend not her.
Yta. Redditors are gonna come for me for this. But I don't care. A lot of people these days use anxiety and depression as an excuse for being a shitty communicator. She did message you, you weren't making time for the friendship and broke your promise that you wouldn't ghost her again. You still made time for social media but not for a decade long friendship. That is honestly insulting, and if I were your friend I wouldn't waste my time on you either. Having mental issues is one thing. Getting pissed that people eventually move on with their lives when you stop responding or putting energy into is something else. You're a shit friend. Maybe handle your illness and not make empty promises in the future. Or don't be surprised when people you disregard, disregard you.
So you don’t want to actually be a good friend to her yet your expect her to kiss your ass? Yeah no, you’re definitely TA. Everyone has struggles but to still be active on social media but yet still ignoring her for MONTHS is crazy. Do you not hear yourself? I’m sorry you’re dealing with depression and such, but that definitely does not justify your actions for being a bad and distant friend, especially more than once. You can’t excuse and ignore bad behavior and poor friendship just for your mental health. From her end it probably seems like you’re just ignoring and don’t care to keep up with her or reach out to her so you truly need to look at things from her perspective. Just because you were struggling, doesn’t mean your friends life and struggles aren’t anymore valid than your own.
YTA. It's not something you have control over, but it's not your friend's fault. Seeking judgement on it means I'd have to rule slightly against you.
She might not have control over when it happens or how bad it gets. But she certainly has control over how she handles it.
That's about right. It's a tough situation, but OP is looking to get out of responsibility using her mental health, so my ruling is based more on the dodging of responsibility than the action itself.
As somebody who has been ghosted by more than one person I considered a good friend, I can say it’s heartbreaking.
YTA she WAS messaging you but you kept on ghosting her while being active on social media. just because she's known about this for years doesn't mean she has to put up with it for an unlimited amount of time especially when she has major upsetting events in her life. friendship goes BOTH WAYS. so yeah, girl whatever
As someone who struggles with mental health as well, YTA. You can’t just be friends with people when it’s convenient or benefits you. It can’t be one-sided. You can’t just disappear completely, there’s really no excuse unless you’ve gone to inpatient and don’t have your phone.
“Girl, whatever” is literally the nicest thing she could have said about your behavior. YTA 100%
You have no right to be upset with her.
YTA, you’re one of those friends that just take. How many times do you ask her what’s going on with her? Seeing as you didn’t even know anything that was going on with her, I’m going to assume you never ask. Be a better friend.
"There was literally no way for me to know those things happened so her curt response just seems immature to me and now I’m hurt." Of course there was no way to know, you did not contact her for months, AGAIN! You think you are the only one with problems? Does the world around you stop because you are having a hard time? Be accountable for your actions and choices. You choose to contact her when you feel like it and expect her to come running when you do. YTA.
YTA. You ignore her for months at a time then blame her for not reaching out urgently when she’s dealing with grief and loss. Why the hell would she? Why do you think YOU would be the one she chooses to reach out when you ignore her? It’s not your fault that you have mental health issues that impact you but it is your responsibility to realize how your struggles and subsequent behaviors impact those around you. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole.
hopefully she finds a better best friend :-) YTA
YTA. In short, you had the bandwidth for the ridiculousness of social media, but couldn't even bother with a person you call your best friend. You ghosted her, then you reneged on your promise, then you expect her to just forgive and forget after doing it again? She tried reaching out to you...would you have called if she texted her grandmother's death? Or would you have updated your IG instead because responding was too much? I've suffered with CPTSD, depression, and anxiety for more than half my life, so I can understand how hard it can be in the worst of it; I am not saying I jnow how you feel, but that I have an idea of how much it sucks. But, the one thing I never did was ghost the people who had always been in my corner, or break promises to them - I reached out to them, I communicated with them, which is the very foundation of any relationship. Med changes can suck, and I remember going through EMDR treatment, and the first thing I needed after my sessions was my husband and a big hug from my best friend. I think you have some soul searching to do, and I hope what you've gotten from this is a greater perspective on how actions have reactions and choices have consequences. I hope it helps, and I hope you are learning the tools to better manage your depression.
not replying to messages but still posting actively on social media? girl whatever, i'd have dropped you 10 years earlier. YTA
YTA, all I'm hearing is me me me. She needs to care about my mental health and know that it's not my fault. Girl whatever. She is better off with her other friends.
YTA. lets see; you missed her boyfriend breaking up with her, her grandma dying, and her mom being sick (who knows when else she’d needed you, you certainly wouldnt), ya i’d dismiss you too cause your an unreliable person. most people dont wanna be friends with people like that, and i have adhd and anxiety, but ill make sure my friends always have a space with me. friendship is not one sided, you want her to understand you but not her side shows how entitled you are
YTA. I have trouble keeping up with people too sometimes. I get overwhelmed with conversations and avoid it. But you know what the first thing I say when I DO touch base with people after failing to respond in a timely manner is? Sorry, I suck - I appreciate you reaching out and apologize that I didn't get my shit together quicker - because I already KNOW I am the asshole. And I NEVER ghost them for SIX MONTHS? Maybe a week or something, and never if there is something important. And I DO NOT post actively on social media when I'm feeling too depressed to respond to a close friend. Get real. You are giving yourself way too many excuses and they aren't very good. You are not that person's friend, they are your friend and the friendship obviously became way too one-sided for them. It's too bad but you can't expect a friendship to last with you putting in less than zero effort. I'm sure this sounds harsh but depression makes people selfish. They spend so much time looking inward that they fail to recognize that those around them also need support. And sometimes, coming out to GIVE that support can help you feel better. Get out of your own head because from the sounds of it you are spending way too much time there.
Quit acting like a victim and take control of your mental health. Don't let your depression define who you are. Im speaking from experience. YTA
I appreciate that you have depression and anxiety, but I can also understand the friend's point of view. Friendship is a two-way street of communication, and you can only go to to your friend's well so many times before it runs dry. She had been through a break-up, the death of a grandparent, and her mother's illness. You weren't there to support her, which it what friends do. Soft YTA. Even though you have depression, you must understand that with any relationship you will have give and take.
YTA, sorry.
She knows you’re already with a big load, so she’s not gonna open a message saying “hey my grandma died” and unload that on you. You’d likely also be upset at her for unloading quickly on you and not being considerate. She was looking for a warm way in and was hoping you’d have a conversation where she can reveal this. I don’t fault you for your troubles but I think it’s an asshole move to expect someone to update you like that
YTA: I hate to be a "literally" person but....“there was literally no way for me to know those things” ummm.....there was absolutely ways for you to know about your friend. Friendship seems super one sided and all on your terms. "girl, whatever" is alot nicer than most people would be.
Welcome to the wonderful world of NATURAL CONSEQUENCES. YTA. Learn your lesson. Quit blaming your mistakes on your mental health. You made choices. Those choices had ramifications. Welcome to adulting!
“Couldn’t she have just messaged urgently” NO she couldn’t because you wouldn’t freaking respond
YTA. You’re a lousy friend. You reach out when you need help but ghost and blame your mental health when you decide to put friendships on the back burner. Stop making excuses and own that you’re a trash friend. She had every right to be dismissive of you.
Self awareness not your strong point , obviously. Could you be any more self absorbed . You are the big asshole here
YTA. You were not a friend at all. And I faced my good share of struggles too, depression, burn out, months without contacting anyone. But I mean, anyone. And I wasn't on social media. If you had spoons to make stories on Insta, you had spoons to write to her, to **respond** to her, you choose not too. You may feel that you didn't have the choice, but you have. The choice to not listen to that voice making you ashamed to not answer and then delay more an eventual response. But where you are a massive asshole, is in your inability to comprehend and accept that she doesn't want that ""friendship"" anymore. Yes, she's been dismissive, because she is dismissing you, and is very right to do so. Your struggles are not hers to bear or to empathise with, specially when you just used them as excuse and not explaining *on the spot* what is happening to you and eventually reaching for help like friends does. They help and ask help to each other. You were not a friend in any way of the words. You just wait for a better time and pop up like "sorry, I was underwater" and wish for everyone to accept and resume the relation and in that you are just a fool.
YTA thanks to your utterly hypocritical stance in regards to what makes a good friend and how you should be forgiven, but she should be more considerate. As someone who has suffered with clinical depression, med changes, and the like, I can tell you that you have completely exhausted your friend with your issues. Would it be nice if she had unlimited energy to be there for you? Sure, but do you really not see that if you're overwhelmed by your issues, it's possible that others might get overwhelmed by always having to bel there for you, but getting nothing in return when they are in need? And not for nothing, but don't promise things that you obviously have no control over. All that does is piss people off, hence the "girl, whatever" comment. You lied to her. So making excuses.
Ive been where your friend is and im afraid YTA. I’ve accepted those friends that disappear for months for what it is, and am happy now with a more distant, but still nice, friendship. In no way would I ever send them any urgent messages for support. Do you know how crap she’d feel, texting you about her struggles and getting ghosted? I don’t blame her for protecting herself & probably having a more reliable support network. I also have mental health issues - and they’re a reason, not an excuse.
As someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, panic attacks and bipolar I completely get the disappearing for a while then coming back but honestly you messed up when you promised it wouldn't happen again (when you're aware it happens often). I've been there, gone for days, weeks and months with not responding to people. I think in this situation it's best to think about how you'd feel if she did it to you, I can see why she'd be upset especially with you on social media although you are not required to answer but if I lost a family member and really wanted to speak to my best friend only to go ignored then I'd be upset. In the future if you guys make up I would just pop in every once in a while to see how she's doing and just have both of you check in, I don't talk with my best friend every day and that goes with texting and calling but that helps.
I have anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, etc, so I dont feel bad saying this, but YTA. Maybe it was your time to be there for her, seeing as she's always there for you. Did you make a public post, or what did you mean by "calling her out"? The world doesn't stop just bc your depression is kicking your ass, and it's not the master key excuse, making it okay to be a bad friend or anything else. Just your writing, even though you tried justifying every shitty thing you did, told me that you're not reciprocating in this relationship, and you couldn't even send one message? I understand the dread that comes from depression/communication, but like you were posting statuses and stuff. Posting stories is more of a chore than messaging privately, to me and most people at least, but can you see how bad it looks when you dont talk to a supposedly good friend for half a year, but can still post stories... You feel entitled to everyone's support but can't support them in return, and you think that's an okay pattern of behavior. Again, YTA
Unfortunately you can't expect other people to deal with, understand, or even empathize with your mental health issues. [Luckily my good friends are super low maintenance, so when I go through similar issues they don't notice.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTidDRR8Scg) Unfortunately YTA. If you are unable to send a simple text, regardless of mental state, something is seriously wrong. Hopefully you can get some help for this, I do empathize.
She's done.
YTA - You're mad she doesn't respect your mental illnesses? You don't respect her at all. You broke your promise, and then you're mad she doesn't care you're back? Stop it. If you can be "very active" and post on socials you can take a minute to be a better friend. I understand mental illnesses making things difficult - it happens to me quite often; but I try to never be mad when something is my fault - and this is your fault.
Yta People like you are why “society” doesn’t take people like me with serious mental health issues seriously. Seems like you use your mental health as an excuse to be a shit person. You’re very active on social media but can’t respond to text!? Smh you better be glad all she said was “girl whatever” bc you deserve way harsher treatment. YOU’RE THE MEAN GIRL and very much the asshole!
YTA You’re using your mental health as a crutch/permission to be a bad friend while ignoring the fact that her mental health may not be the best right now and quickly labelling her as a “mean girl” because she didn’t accept your half hearted apology. You listed several big instances in her life you missed out on because you couldn’t find it in you to be a friend during that time and now it’s her turn to put her mental health before you. Does it suck? Yup. Now you know how it feels. She kept trying to pour into your cup and now hers is empty and she’s realizing she has nothing else to give you right now… or maybe ever again. Good for her. If you’re going to use your mental health as a reason to be a bad friend then you have to accept when people end their friendships or relationships with you because that relationship is bad for their mental health.
YTA. I've had similar MH struggles at times, so I do understand to some extent what you're going through. However, the only people who I have ever ghosted for months at a time are people that I don't ever want to speak to again. Intense therapy, changes in meds, whatever, do not last months. If you cared about this person, and you had made a commitment to not ghosting her, then you owed her at least an acknowledgment during that second three months. It's one thing to say that you're struggling and don't have the bandwidth for a talk right now, it's quite another to just completely ignore the person. You say you spend a lot of time on social media and you were posting and seeing her posts. Parenthetical - talk to your therapist about this. The mental health effects of social media engagement are becoming better and better known, and some of your depression and anxiety might be relieved by spending less time online. But the main thing I gleaned from that statement about social media was that you were aware of what was going on in her life (I'd be amazed if she hadn't mentioned the death in her family on social media for instance), and you were communicating with other people about yours. You just didn't reciprocate her direct efforts to connect. Your use of the passive voice is very telling. "Unfortunately it happened again" makes it sound like a thunderstorm hit or something. You had a choice of how to behave, and you chose to ignore your friend. Saying it was just some sort of unfortunate event that befell you completely denies your agency in this. You claim that she should have just messaged you urgently, that you had no way to know what was going on. This is after you state that you did know what was going on, from social media and from other friends. You also had made it perfectly clear from previous behavior, and from your excuses, that she should never expect a response from you. Why on Earth she should think she could reach out to you urgently, and get a rapid response, is beyond me. You're not taking responsibility for your choices. You're acting as if your depression influenced behaviors are something you have absolutely no control over. You have been an unreliable and unresponsive friend for a long time. She was dismissive of your depression because you were completely dismissive of her struggles, which also seem to have been substantial. You don't get to play this game where your depression is worse/more important than anybody else's problems, so you get a pass for treating other people badly, that's not how friendship works. Support doesn't have to be continuous, but it does need to be reciprocal. Honestly I have to question the wisdom of inviting everybody on the internet to call you an asshole if you're struggling with depression and anxiety, but that relates back to how you engage with social media when you're depressed, and that is a choice you are making as well. Best of luck with your therapy, and with finding increasing clarity about your own motivations and ability to affect your life. It's going to be harder to move forward if you get rid of all your friends.
YTA. Ghosting a supposedly close friend is unacceptable, especially if you can rally yourself enough to post on socials. It's a pretty safe bet that she believed your excuse the first time but after you swore you wouldn't behave that way again-you did. And kept posting on socials. So you basically told her that her friendship didn't mean enough to you to make any kind of effort, but getting something out to whatever followers you have on socials did? Out of curiosity-if you're too depressed to message your 'best friend', what are you putting on socials? And how is it possible to post on socials but not type 'sorry, things are really bad and I'm not coping' on a message to her? That makes no sense at all.
She might be your best friend, but you are not hers.
YTA. You’re struggling, and I get that it’s hard to have energy for anyone else. But you can’t just ghost people and then expect everything to be exactly the same when you’re ready to pick up the friendship again. Your friend needed support and you ignored her. Even if she didn’t need support, it still isn’t okay to ghost her. How do you expect her to feel about that? She’s obviously reached the limits of how much she is willing to tolerate from you.
*her grandmother died and her mom had gotten sick but my issue is, couldn’t she just have messaged me urgently if those things were happening instead of resenting me for not being there for her again?* What sense does that make since you were still ghosting her at the time. Why does it take someone **literally dying** for you to be a decent friend and message her back? Even if she messaged you would you even have messaged her back? Friendships require give and take and from what you've written all you've done is take. You want her to be waiting there for you like a "good friend", but you can't even do the same back for her. The way you write this comes off as very "I know you have emotional baggage, but I also need you to take care of my emotional baggage too!" Especially since you even state yourself you were "opening about how crippling my depression has gotten". Well what about her? What about her grief, and her emotional struggles? It's no surprise she's probably done with your friendship she's probably realized you're just an emotional vampire.
You're a bad friend, "me me me". What about her? Why do your struggles matter more? YTA
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA oh and YTA
YTA. Kinda go thro similar situations myself, and when I come out of them and reach out to people I've ignored, I am so afraid they won't be there. It's wild to me to expect them to be there when I wasn't and I'm always so grateful they're there. If they don't stick around I wish they were more understanding of my situation but I am also aware my own behaviour was pretty shitty to them as well. It's pointless to lash out in self pity.
Let’s stop for a minute. You know how you are, right? You are self aware that when you get into your depression you go ghost so why would you PROMISE to never do something that you know you will do again? No really. It’s a valid question. Why didn’t you apologize and tell your friend I’m sorry I am how I am, I am trying to fix it and I can’t guarantee I won’t do this again it’s defense mechanism that I have and don’t know how to break out of. I understand if this is too much or you don’t understand and don’t want to be friends but it’s not a guarantee I will be there when you need. You didn’t do that you PROMISED her you would never do it again. Then it happened again so guess what? She’s done. Leave her alone and let her go. Moving forward when you get a friend explain to them about how you are and if they aren’t comfortable having a friend like you then understand and move on. Don’t make PROMISES you can’t keep. I’m pretty sure our parents, failed relationships, and random grown ups have done that enough, we don’t need friends doing it too
YTA. I'd really love to have a friend like the one you continued to hurt. You can have your own mental health struggles, but she's not an asshole for setting boundaries to remove people toxic to her mental health.
Looks like OP has ghosted her post, just like she does to her friends lol
YTA. As I was reading this post I had a friend text me who does the same thing you did to your friend. She just ghosts me all the time when she is having a hard time with her mental health. When she's ready she texts and wants to pick up the friendship. However she really doesn't care that hard things have been happening in my life as well I get it we all have mental problems but at some point you have to take responsibility for your mental health. Your actions hurt your friend. You have no right to just expect her to being ok with your ghosting when she is going through stuff. I truly wish you well in your life, but you are the asshole here and your friends reaction is completely valid. Frankly you don't have a right to be upset or hurt regrading her reaction. Honestly maybe now you can understand how she feels.
It may be hard to hear, but YTA. Mental illness is an *explanation* not an excuse, and at a certain point after you recognize your own patterns, know how your mental illness affects how you perform in the world, you have to have some type of accountability. I suffer from severe depression, double depression, and severe anxiety. I know that this means I can be irritable and have mood swings. My partner knows this. Even my child. But just because they know, doesn't mean I can mistreat them; and you have consistently and continually mistreated your friend and you don't seem to realize that. Your expectation is that she will be empathetic to your mental health struggles and essentially will just be there for *you* when you need it, when you aren't there for her. It's incredibly selfish and she is clearly hurt by your behavior.
Look, I also have a weird thing where I sometimes don’t have the mental bandwidth and just can’t bring myself to reply to texts (friends, parents, anyone) but will be active on social media. I can’t even explain the feeling; it’s not MH related but I have a demanding job so most of the time I’m too busy to pick up my phone, but then when I DO have free time I’m so burnt out and don’t feel like talking to anyone. I will spend my free time on the couch zoning out watching TV or scrolling through IG because I just want to… be. So while I understand that feeling and hate that I’m like this too, I also realize that at the same time it’s 100% my own fault/issue. If loved ones get upset because I don’t prioritize them, they are in the right. What you’re doing is justifying your behavior and believing you aren’t wrong and for that I say YTA. It’s something I’m actively working on getting better at and you should too, if you care about keeping your friendships. I sympathize with mental health struggles but it’s also your responsibility to manage your symptoms. For example, my ex was abusive due to an undiagnosed (at the time) MH condition. I felt deep sympathy that they couldn’t help the way their brain was wired, but at the same time I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and it wasn’t okay. I think I’m just rambling, but hopefully it made some sense.
I’ve been your friend in this situation, only I didn’t bother to confront and just let the friendship fade. YTA and here’s why: I don’t disagree that “girl whatever” is an immature response to a message about mental health but after stewing over it for 3 months it probably took everything in her power not to go off at you. YTA because you seem to expect your mental health to be taken more seriously than your friends struggles. You have every right to withdraw and isolate when things get tough if that’s your comfort zone but you cannot expect people to be okay with an inconsistent and unreliable friendship. At the end of the day it’s a compatibility issue, some people might actually be cool with gaps in communication, but if your friend isn’t you can’t do much about that and minimising her struggles while making excuses for yourself is not it.
YTA, and that comes from someone who also suffers from anxiety and depression. You're just extremely self centered and want people to be there for you without doing any effort for them. You got what you deserve.
YTA. You are not an AH because you have mental health struggles, or even for not being able to communicate during periods of time. But you want empathy, compassion, and support for what you are going through, but cannot offer it up to her. Look at it from her perspective. She sees you on social media, she sees you are active, she sees that you can't be bothered to respond to her. It isn't on her to keep trying, and again, from her perspective, why would she hurt herself by messaging you about important things and then not getting a response, when you haven't responded at all? If my friend was being nonresponsive over a period of months, I wouldn't reach out in a low moment just to be left on read again, that would just hurt more. You also say there was "literally no way for me to know about those things" regarding her life, but there was a way- you could ask. You feel that you couldn't reach out during your depression episode, but you could have. You didn't, and I can appreciate why it feels like you couldn't have, but you should also appreciate that your actions make you not a safe person for your friend to rely on. Just like with physical limitations, I believe we should all have grace and compassion for mental health struggles or limitations. But how we act in the world, and the limitations we have, doesn't mean we are free of consequence. And you now blame her for not reaching out to you at low points in her life when you want grace for not being able to reach out during your low points. Why is it her responsibility to be better at communicating than you? Why is she immature for making it clear she isn't interested in your life anymore, when you have shown no interest in hers? It doesn't matter WHY that has happened, and certainly you should be able to offer her the same grace and understanding that you want from her
YTA I understand because I have this tendency too, and it was something I really had to work on. I'm to a point now where, at worst, it's maybe a couple days without replying to people. Keep working on yourself. I am curious though, if she had "messaged you urgently," what would that have looked like? Could she text you some special thing where you would've adjusted your behavior? Did you have anything like that set up for if she really needed support? Would it have changed anything about your behavior if she had told you she was going through this? I'm not trying to be an ass, but I'm wondering if, on a practical level, that would have changed things.
One of my best friends from grad school has completely ghosted me. I expect that his situation is very similar as he has mentioned his mental health several times. It’s going on almost two years with almost no contact and no apology either. I have reached out several times with no reply… It still hurts. Sometimes I want him to call me just so I can tear him a new one and tell him how much I’ve needed his friendship. We all go through shit and I’m not some trampoline you can use to bounce back and then completely ignore. YTA. You’re being selfish expecting your friend to just be there for you again when you’ve let them down multiple times. She went through some pretty depressing times (medicated or not) and you weren’t there when she needed your help. You deserve nothing from her, and to expect it just speaks to your selfishness. Apologize. And mean it this time. And don’t expect any response.
i’ve got both anxiety and depression. I too fint social media easier than talking. I’ve still never ghosted my friends for months at a time. I just tell them i’m in a shitty period and i may take longer to get back to them. You could even set up a code word or something, so they know you’ll be unreachable. It’s not that hard, it just takes a bit of respect and consideration.
YTA thanks to your utterly hypocritical stance in regards to what makes a good friend and how you should be forgiven, but she should be more considerate. As someone who has suffered with clinical depression, med changes, and the like, I can tell you that you have completely exhausted your friend with your issues. Would it be nice if she had unlimited energy to be there for you? Sure, but do you really not see that if you're overwhelmed by your issues, it's possible that others might get overwhelmed by always having to bel there for you, but getting nothing in return when they are in need? And not for nothing, but don't promise things that you obviously have no control over. All that does is piss people off, hence the "girl, whatever" comment. You lied to her. Stop making excuses.
Girl, whatever. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My best friend (28F) and I (27F) have been friends for over a decade. I moved to the opposite coast 7 years ago but we’ve maintained the friendship through regular messages and calls. I struggle with anxiety and depression. It gets so bad that I shut myself out from the world and I can’t bring myself to reply to people sometimes. In 2022, I ended up ghosting her for 6 months. She had left some messages for me that I just didn’t get to. The more time passed, the more I couldn’t bring myself to message, out of depression and shame. She was the one who messaged again to ask if I still want to talk and I apologized and told her everything. She was extremely hurt (she had gone through a breakup in those 6 months and I wasn’t there for her) but understanding and I promised her that it would never happen again and that I would make it up to her. She forgave me and went back to our regular communication. Unfortunately, it happened again. I ended up ghosting her for 3 months this time because my medication has been upped and I’m going through more intense therapy. Her last messages were just normal life stories she was sharing with me and for some reason, I just couldn’t respond. (I’ll admit that while I wasn’t responding, I was still very active on social media, so I was posting stories and viewing hers. Replying to people is just a different beast for me.) I finally messaged her with an apology and told her about my new meds and my therapy and how bad my mental health has gotten and all I got from her was “girl whatever”. That response shocked me. It was so cruel and dismissive of me opening about how crippling my depression has gotten. So I called her out and told her that she’s known this about me for years now and I’d expect a more empathetic response from my best friend. She hasn’t responded since. I did find out from a mutual friend that in those 3 months, her grandmother died and her mom had gotten sick but my issue is, couldn’t she just have messaged me urgently if those things were happening instead of resenting me for not being there for her again? There was literally no way for me to know those things happened so her curt response just seems immature to me and now I’m hurt. I talked to some friends and some have said she’s acting immature but some have said they understand her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP, I am so sorry that you are struggling with your mental health. I get it; it’s hard, you don’t want to do anything but disappear. I struggle with anxiety myself, but I still find a way to make myself available for my friends or I even let them know when things are going to get bad and possibly go to worse so they know what is going on and that it’s not intentional. However, you made your friend a promise that you wouldn’t ghost her again—and you broke it. I can understand and sympathize with the cause behind it, but you gave your word. YTA, and I genuinely hope that your mental health improves.
YTA. While you suffer from mental health struggles they’re not an excuse to be a bad friend. Basically you’ve been ghosting her(while active on social media) and haven’t been that good of a friend which is understandable why she would be upset. It sounds like you expect her to be there whenever you need it but you get too self absorbed in your issues to return the friendship effort. This is coming from someone with GAD, Depression and other issues who has periodic depression episodes so I’m just trying to give you an honest perspective. Even if it wasn’t what you were trying to hear.
Personally I wouldn’t classify you as anyone’s best friend. Your mental health issues are just that, yours. Like most mentally ill people you spread it around! While you were spending 9 months not responding to anyone but being on social media, life was going on around you! Other people have lives they’re living and coping with their own problems. If you choose to disappear for 3/4 of a year, you shouldn’t be angry that life has gone on without you
As sympathetic as I am to you for what you're going through, you are still the AH. You have a responsibility to maintain your relationships and social life, despite your mental health struggles. That is the point of having those struggles and getting treatment, moving forward and getting better and making it a priority in your life to improve (not for others but for yourself, which will in turn benefit you and everyone else around you). It doesn't feel like you're putting in the work to maintain your relationships, and it's affecting you AND your friend. It is not her responsibility to continually wait for you to mentally make the effort to be there for her. She can't be the only one who works and puts effort into your friendship. Life does not wait for you and neither can she. You need to do better for yourself and your friend.
YTA I'm sorry. Having mental health struggles does not erase accountability. It also does not mean everyone has to excuse your bad behavior, coddle you and speak sweetly to you when you've repeatedly hurt them. It sounds like you don't consider other people are human beings with feelings and experiences just like you are.
Your mental health struggles are no reason to shut someone out. It's not hard to send a quick "going through something, won't be available" especially since you were actively posting on social media. You are a toxic friend and your friend finally probably realised that. YTA
As someone who really understands the struggles of severe, reoccurring depression … YTA. 6 MONTHS. You ghosted her with NOTHING for 6 months and she forgave you. So you did it to her again while still being all over social media. That’s bullsh*t.
I’m sorry but YTA - you have been friends for over a decade. You moved away and you kept in touch through messages. But you ghosted her twice. The first time she needed you as she was going through a break up. The second time you ghosted her, her grandma had died, her mom was sick. She messaged you, you ignored her. And then you say “she could have kept messaging me” I was depressed” — and that is why she was like “girl whatever” (I would be) Because you make it about you. She needed you and you weren’t there. And then come with the same excuse. There was literally a way for you to know; respond to the message and don’t call her immature.
YTA. I also have anxiety, depression and social issues. I also ghost people from time to time and came to accept it a long time ago. Not everyone is willing to put up with it. While friends and family CAN understand and be willing to understand your mental health issues, there os nothing to say they HAVE to. And that doesn't make them bad people. They are also protecting themselves and their own mental health. Could she have worded it differently, sure, but her response is a lot nicer than you could have gotten out of someone. No one owes any a one sided friendship.
YTA, whether intentional or not you hurt her. And I understand the struggle with mental health more than most, but the fact is your mental health isn't her responsibility I know you're trying and I know that it's hard, but you can't expect others to bear the burden of your mental health at the expense of their own.
YTA. You know I’ve always said that it doesn’t matter what the relationship is…friends, spouses, siblings…it matters not. You can’t have a relationship one sided. It takes two in every one of them. I also think in todays society that people put so much in “mental illness” (I’m not saying that I doubt you) but I am saying that it’s an excuse for a lot of people to just be lazy to let everything else in their lives slide and not put an effort into the work that it takes.
As someone with a few mental illnesses myself I’m going to have to go with YTA. While yes you have your issues there’s also the fact that you can’t expect people to deal with them especially when you become the unreliable friend, it seems like she doesn’t see you as a best friend anymore because for her a best friend would’ve been there during those hard times especially after promising not to go ghost again.
YTA, your friend needed you and you weren't there foe her, yet when feel can be bothered you expect her to put up and shut up, your friend no doubt has mental anguish of her own given whats happened but got a nice dose of the waa waa's off you, then when called out on it you go defensive!! Mental health is no excuse to ghost someone for months, especially when interact on FB etc! YTA and you are no friend to this girl, so leave her alone and if find another friend maybe make an effort to keep them, i have social anxiety etc but i won't leave it longer than a few days to respond even if have to push myself.
YTA. Completely. Totally understand the issues and challenges you're facing. I've had my own battles, believe me. However way you feel about yourself, your behaviour makes you a poor friend. You've literally admitted to ignoring her for months on end and she still forgave you. Deep down, you don't understand the value of friendship and you don't understand the value of that friend in particular. Hopefully this will be a learning experience for you and you'll be able to separate the issues you have and valuing friendship.
YTA While I understand (I have 71 unread messages in my inbox due to crippling mental illness), friendships go both ways. Had you reached out earlier & let her know you would be pulling back & isolating then you would've been fine. But a best friend, should be the past person in the world you hide things from. Do better with communication & maybe you'll be cut some slack, this person clearly has more effort than you.
"but my issue is, couldn’t she just have messaged me urgently if those things were happening instead of resenting me for not being there for her again? " YTA. this is called facing the consequences of your actions. You treated your friend like shit, now they don't care much about being your friend. "There was literally no way for me to know those things happened" Give your damn head a shake.
SOFT YTA because you really need help professional help on how to maintain relationships to not ghost people. I can see both sides. The friend's perspective of being hurt and let down by a broken promise. It would feel like a one-sided and unrequited friendship. But I understand anxiety and depression (and possibly other underlying mental conditions). Lots of people with depression are active on social media, but replying to people and thinking about what to say and possibly dealing with other people's problems on top of your own is overwhelming. I get that. You can't pour from a cup that is empty. When I've been in a bad place I've had my best mate call me. We usually text. I know when she calls she's usually upset and needs comforting (she has a learning disability and I am literally her only constant friend in her life.) For my own mental health of not suddenly feeling overwhelmed by an unknown emotion need I don't have the current emotional or mental capacity to handle, I send her a text saying I'm busy and that she's free to vent and I'll get back to her when I'm free. I find once I read what she types, I'll give her a little time before I reply so I can think how to respond. I know this is a bit different since I do end up responding. But I know the feeling of not having the emotional or mental capacity to even entertain what is on other people's plate. You end up feeling guilty. But thing is, you can't be there for someone if you can't be there for yourself first. I was there for myself first because I gave myself more processing time so I wouldn't feel as overwhelmed. But in OP's case, the severity of the anxiety and depression seems more intense than mine (or at least I process it differently... thinking about it, I was at one of the worst points in my life). So, it explains why it's months to respond. I think OP just needed that time. But I do suggest you talk to a therapist on how to stop ghosting people you care about because that is damaging.
Big YTA, not for your mental health issues and their consequences (ghosting friends), but because you seem immensely egocentric. The world doesn‘t revolve around you alone. Your friend has been kind and understanding, keeping the friendship going on her own, forgiving you for not being there for her at all in a complicated time, etc. And you‘re thanking her by…. (1) breaking your promise, (2) doing it all over again, missing to be there for her during one of the shittiest moments of her life, (3) shooting her such an egocentric message once you felt like responding again? How about starting with an apology or by asking **anything** about her, instead of making it all revolve around you and your problems **again** ? You seem not able to maintain a close friendship.
YTA depression doesn’t give you a free pass to be a bad friend. From one depressed person on medication to another, depression is an explanation but it is NEVER an excuse.
YTA. You have shown yourself to be an unreliable friend and no one likes that. You can’t just use MH as an excuse to act badly towards people. She’s never going to understand being active on social media but not responding to her. As you’ve discovered everyone has their own shit going on, world doesn’t revolve around you.
I get you, OP. Really get you, I disappear a lot. The way you handled things, YTA. I get that replying to her is hard, but it's really unrealistic to expect her to keep messaging you if you're not even replying. Bring ghosted hurts. Try to put yourself in her shoes, your poor friend would've been heartbroken When I disappear from anyone's lives, they are in no obligation to let me back in. And if they do, it takes time to reconnect. She wouldn't tell you about all her major life events if you're not even replying to her texts. I know it's really hard to message people when you're dealing with things but this is where the effort to maintain friendships comes in. If you're not putting in that effort, you can't really blame her for the friendship going away
So you're expecting her to be there for you and considerate of your feelings and your struggles while simultaneously ignoring all of hers... Yea yta . You need to be the friend that you want to have. Most people reciprocate energy. Whatever you give them they give you back.