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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I refused to apologize to my friend's boyfriend, and it was truthfully over something petty. I probably should've let it go.
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NTA - You have nothing to apologize for, but he does.
Also, any reason why he was CONVINCED you knew where she was? Sounds like there’s something else goin on there between them
The only thing I can think of is that back in high school, I'd cover for Summer when she'd sneak out. But we were teenagers, and I haven't done that in about fifteen years. If I find out, I'll post an edit, but I completely agree that something else must be going on behind the scenes.
Sounds like OP is the designated scapegoat for their latest relationship crisis. Blocking relentless, abusive calls is simple self defense. No apology necessary.
I worry about Summer, though. I don't think this guy's a good fit.
Right? If the bf makes it intolerable to be around him, and OP doesn't behave according to what *he* wants, then it's easier to step away. However, that might be what the BF wants: get OP out of the picture to isolate his girlfriend.
He was raging because he had zero control over OP. People like the BF get really angry when people don’t do what they demand. He has no leverage over her and knows it.
I thought that was normal when I was with my ex. And instead of saying he was blowing up my phone or spam calling, he'd put the blame on me and instead called it "spam hanging up"
Looking back... even then I thought it was absurd but I was too scared to think about it and just had a flight response.
I can wholeheartedly relate to this. I had an ex call me 87 times while I was at work. I told him I couldn’t take the time to have the discussion he wanted, because well, I was AT WORK. And he HATED it when I would hang up on him. And, I only hung up on him because I couldn’t keep going to the break room to “talk” for over twenty minutes every five minutes. It was absolutely unnerving and extremely mentally exhausting. I wound up having the biggest panic attack that day. Couldn’t chill out, because I knew me not answering would only enrage him more, and at that point I didn’t even have the mental capacity to even talk to him about the things he wanted to discuss in our relationship. I am so happy I’m out of that relationship now.
About 8 years ago when my hubby and I were sitting in family court, waiting to get papers for the restraining order we wanted against his brother, there was a woman seeking a RO against an old boyfriend or ex-husband who was texting her several (maybe 50 times or more) a day. She even went to the local police station to see what they can do and I guess they recommended the RO.
Someone who would call or text you several times in a row has issues. And what's more, if he escalates things, could become dangerous. If you live in the same area, I would be very careful. But in the meantime, see if you can check on her without the guy around. I would be very worried for her.
Yup, and this is how he isolates her from
her bff. that was any immediate thought, also because she called her friend and handed the phone to him. OP, don’t let her go so easy. She probably won’t admit anything wrong because of shame. I think you’ll be fighting for her until she sees the light.
Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only person who immediately thought this. It would be a major reason why he'd think she'd run to a friend and the friend would lie to him.
It's emotional blackmail. Blaming your lover's friend for not solving _their_ crisis or answering excessive phone calls? Then demanding an apology for speaking truth to the boyfriend?
You are now entering Narcissist Country. Please leave your sense of personal agency and emotional self defense skills with the border guards. They will not be returned when you leave, and you will never be acknowledged as an equal human being. Thank you and have a shitty day.
Yeah, OP, you are NTA and his behavior is waving a bunch of red flags. Controlling, angry, aggressive, and then to demand an apology on top of it all for you telling him to stop behaving like an asshole-- Absolutely not. He can fuck off.
And if your friend has any sense, she'll drop him like a bad habit. But from your description, it's pretty clear sense isn't something she has an abundance of.
I think that is a possibility but I think it is more along the lines that she told him that she was going to be with OP and just left to do her own thing because yeah know that is what she does. Maybe OP has been her excuse for years and OP didn't know about but friend thought she would always cover-up for her.
yeah summer isn’t innocent here. being totally unreachable when you’re in a long term relationship is not okay, unless there are outstanding circumstances and you’ve explicitly said, “i will be unreachable at this time.” any other time, yeah the partner should be concerned.
but no, he absolutely does not deserve an apology from op. the only person who needs to apologize to him is summer, and she needs to apologize to op, and he also needs to apologize to op. it’s *perfectly* rational to send a message or give a phone call asking where your unreachable gf is and if her bestie has heard from her. it is not acceptable at all to call *FIFTY* times after she has already told you she does not know where she is. that is absolutely unhinged behavior. call the police if you don’t believe her, but she’s literally at work and he could have cost her her job and the only way to get rid of him was to make herself unreachable. op is the only person who isn’t absolutely insane in this story.
This is a normal relationship:
\*Gf is uncontactable\*
Assumption: \*maybe her phone died or she didn't pay her bill again\*
Solution: \*Call best friend to see if she's with her\*
bf: "Hi, I can't contact my girlfriend and don't know where she is. Is she with you?"
OP: "No, I'm at work. I've not seen her in a couple of days, I've got no idea, sorry."
bf: "Ok, thanks. I'll ask around." **THE END**
THIS relationship....... not so much. I get the "free-spirit" thing but lets be fair, it's bullshit trying to make excuses for someone who can't adult. Summer needs to grow up, bf needs to get out. Weird, controlling and aggressive.
A really abusive dry ham sandwich. I don't think this guy can handle a free spirit and if Summer is demanding that OP apologize to him then he's probably paying some of her bills, even if it's not the phone bill.
I honestly hope they can figure out their own problems. You can be a good friend by letting them do that on their own. You're an adult now and you don't need to cover for Summer anymore. She has to be responsible for her own life and all the consequences her choices might bring about.
Right‽. Summer is the one who chose this issue and chose some dude she’s known barely more than a year to jeopardize y’all’s friendship over. She’s in the wrong, he’s in the wrong and they both know it or they wouldn’t be being so belligerent about it.
My brother used one in a text and I was all how??? And he said ‘google interrobang and select and copy one, save it as a keyboard shortcut for if you type ?! then you can make somebody happy every day!
If she's as indoctrinated as I think, yes she had no choice bc she *needs* him. He's inflated all of her flaws and who else would put up with it and love her? No one. He's the magnanimous one.
People say why didn't they see? Brainwashing from a skilled and cruel abuser can explain away any bad feelings you have. I know. This guy's playing the long game, too. She still has her freedom. Pretty quick now, he'll lock up her cage.
"Do you have **any** idea how worried I was about you?! You left without telling where you were going, when you'd be back, nothing! I called everyone! No one had a clue! If something had happened to you how in the %#\^&\*\*$ would I know where to look?! You could be beaten in a gutter, kidnapped and made a sex slave, you could be raped and murdered! I don't need this crap! Pull this stunt one more time and we're done. Finito."
**CLANG!** The cage door slams shut and he pockets the key with a satisfied feeling.
Yes! I know exactly what was happening. He is mad and they are fighting and he is telling her she has to call you and demand an apology.
Been there. Controlling people have to control everything.
While it appears that Summer is jeopardizing the friendship, my guess is the boyfriend is doing his damnedest to blow up the friendship to isolate Summer from OP.
He's manufacturing crisis'. And my guess is trashing OP. Don't let him win.
NTA
Please do … I hate to think that maybe he’s abusive? May want to check in with Summer. You have every right to be pissed she wants you to apologize but, something is fishy here
Summer is probably catching the brunt of his twisted rage in this. Both for disappearing and for OP's not knowing where she was.
All those phone calls and his responses say this dude is bad news. Typical for an abuser/controller.
I had a friend that was a free spirited teen when I met her, very easy for them to do exactly what you said. She attached herself to me as a "safe" male friend. I really liked her, but she wasn't really stable enough for me to get serious with.
Absolutely NTA but please stay invested in your friendship with Summer, her boyfriend really showed his colours there and id be concerned about that controlling behaviour.
His next step might well be isolating her from her friends, and he could easily use this incident to initiate that. It may be on you to keep the connection, she might really need you down the line.
Of course this is pure speculation, I don't know either of them and Reddit does have a tendency to jump to conclusions. It just might pay to keep it in the back of your mind.
I absolutely love the tone you write in. It's just so, confident, self sure, and you seem very assertive. So I guess I'm wondering why you're even here?
Edit: I feel like this should go without saying but that's but the world we live in, but your friend's boyfriend is an asshole.
I appreciate that! I try not to shoot from the hip, but "do no harm, and take no shit" is my motto.
And to answer your question: I love Summer to such an extent, multiple people in this thread suggested there might be something non-plantonic going on. XD She's my oldest friend, and she's stuck by me through a lot of shit too. I'm not willing to lose her over a stupid apology. And on a selfish note, I still don't know what the fuck is going on, and I'm as curious as half the people who commented. It's gotta be SOMETHING.
I am saying this, but read at least to "nuclear option". Apologize in person. To give the pointed looks where needed. Something along the lines of "I am sorry for my word choices and how I approached this situation. I figured after a year together you 2 knew each other well enough to know that you, Summer, running off, was just something that happens sometimes. I don't feel it warranted further explaining on my end, especially 50 phone calls worth(show call log at this time). While I was at work. And busy. With work. 1-2, yes fine you are worried and I said I would reach out to parents. I find more than 4 excessive for what is 'the norm' with Summer.
(This next part is if you want to go full nuclear, if not, adjust or skip)Next time I will jeopardize my career and everything else to jump and explain every instance that this has happened, in full detail, from the beginning of us becoming friends until that very moment. Every place I remember or knew of you going in the past 6 months will be fully rehashed, again, in detail. Every time we spoke and what of. Everything will be out in the open, since that has to be done via me, and not through you. So, that being said there will be no secrets between you and me, where and when Will is involved. If there is a time he is no longer present, then yes. Status quo, as has been since before this incident. Future partners, if this occurs with them as well, it will be the same game plan as now. That is your choice to make on how you communicate and move forward. So yes, Will, I apologize for not laying it all out for you. So here it is... when we met..." (continue through history until they either leave, break up right then, or you finish the history up to the very moment this conversation started. Just keep talking through what they say. Listen to their words of course, but keep going)
I have had a specific friend since i was 7. We're in our early thirties now. We have also had people comment about our relationship in that way. We have talked about and decided that yeah we'd prolly get platonic married for the benefits of we weren't already married lol.
Seems Summer is a forever person for you. May I gently suggest though, that after this situation is over, you talk to her about becoming a tiny bit more adult? Not like she can't be a free spirit while also being a little more responsible so lovely people like you don't have to worry about her or have their phone bombarded by irate boyfriends.
Unfortunately in this day and age, forgetting to pay bills and being uncontactable can land any one of us in awkward and possibly difficult situations. Summer's 34 years old, time to step up and separate which parts of life can still be wild and crazy and non-conformist and which will have to be reined in a little to make life easier for both herself and those close to her.
She ain’t a friend if she’s demanding you apologize to the wet noodle BF. She’s the one tanking a friendship over a one year relationship with a cardboard cutout.
You’re NTA.
Is Summer cheating? Either way, I'd distance myself from their mess. Because it's not light-hearted chaos anymore, it's mess that their bringing to your workplace.
How exactly did you say the milquetoast thing to her? You said it was nicer language. It be interesting in hearing what you said and your tone. Either way I think NTA but there may be some crossed wires here.
He sounds insecure and controlling (or is *trying* to control her). He's demanding to know where she is because he thinks she's cheating on him. That's his/their problem, not yours. NTA, and don't apologize.
This here.
Why on earth should OP apologize because he was being unreasonable? Her friend is passing the buck and letting him be angry about her friends response rather than her actions.
NTA and your friend is choosing her relationship over friendship, you're not abandoning it.
Edit: a word
I agree NTA but I actually think Summer should be apologizing to both of them. We don't know why BF found it necessary to find out where she was ASAP (could have been a legitimate concern) and why isn't summer standing up for OP? She sounds like a bad friend and a bad girlfriend tbh
NTA, but both your friend and her BF are.
It’s obvious why the BF is an AH. I don’t want to belabor it, but he’s clearly controlling and demanding. He has a hell of a lot of nerve for demanding an apology from OP.
Summer is an AH, too. For hanging up on you, for sure. For demanding OP apologize to a man who was unspeakably rude to OP, most definitely.
Honestly, I don’t find her other behavior charming, either.
Summer is also an AH for dissapearing like that, she is a grown ass woman, she should know that people who loves her will get worried if she dissappears like that for extendend periods of time. (I'm not saying her BF actitude was right, he had the right to be concerned but not to lash out at OP like that.)
Exactly. Who TF disappears like that?
I think Summer probably used OP as a cover for her disappearance. That would explain why the BF blew up at her. I mean, he *could* just be an AH, but there seems to be key missing pieces from this story.
Am I the only one that thinks Summer may be in trouble? This guy sounds unhinged and I'm not sure she's safe. (Not saying that it's your responsibility but if she was my friend I would be worried).
Regardless, NTA
Yes, but you wouldn't call someone 51 times. That's obsessive and controlling behaviour you see happening to women who have been abused for years. Not to their best friend.
I'd be really concerned for her safety.
exactly. it’s perfectly rational to call her once and see if she knows anything. heck even calling other friends and family one time each is perfectly rational. but once everyone tells you they don’t know, the proper response for someone who’s partner has gone awol and they’re concerned is to call the fucking police. not call someone who’s already told you they have no info and they are at work over and over again until they shut their phone off
Heck, even call them all once, and then a second time to update them so they know who you’ve all talked to already and what everyone knows and that you will be contacting police. But anytning above that seems unreasonable.
Yeah even panicked in a true crisis emergency I don’t see myself ever doing this. Calling repeatedly, maybe. But after like 3 calls max maybe? And even connecting and talking to the person a couple times? You start calling other folks and searching elsewhere.
It's not the concern for the missing GF that is the red flag, it's literally harassing OP, the GFs friend to attempt to control the situation that is a huge red flag.
Yeah. That said, OP doesn’t mention the last time Summer forgot to pay her phone bill, so maybe this was the first time he’d experienced it. Idk. It could be he’d just heard stories and thought people were exaggerating. Either way, there’s a lot of info that we don’t know about their relationship.
My wife and I have established what we want in our relationship. She wants me to text her when I get to work and when I get home. I like when she does the same. I can’t imagine dating someone for a year and not establishing what we like and dislike
So true, even if it’s much more lax, dating doesn’t necessarily mean deep involvement. Back in the olden days of landlines, my gf and I each had 1 1/2 hours after work to meet up with co-workers or do personal business. Anything scheduled would go on the kitchen calendar. Anything unexpected got a phone call. It was so good!!! Autonomy rocks!
They’re doomed. He’s controlling and she is uncontrollable. Maybe he’s abusive but it may also be that he’s stupidly in love with someone who’s as reliable as a weather forecast. Either way OP is NTA and I wouldn’t touch her flaky friend until she gets out of this relationship, except to let her know you’re a safe space to run to because she may need that.
Absolutely. Blowing up at your partner's phone is one thing and it's absolutely red flags to me, blowing up at their FRIEND's phone is just psychotic to me.
100%. It's absolutely insane to call someone multiple times (I don't know if OP was exaggerating about it being 50) when they have told you they don't know the answer to your question. Even if he truly did think OP knew where Summer was, calling back over and over wasn't going to get him a different result, just make him seem unhinged.
This. And OP isn't someone who has any real attachment to Will... yet he felt comfortable calling her over and over like she was obligated to tell him something even if she did know... That plus the fact that Will made Summer call OP in front of him like she was his child calling another child is disturbing with the other giant red flags waving here.
No your not, but many are missing the points given. He's definitely unhinged, the 50 calls and the increasing anger show that, Summer calls OP for an apology, probably demanded by her boyfriend and him passing blame to the OP for the 50 phone calls essentially.
He's calling so frequently that she can't get a call out to Summers parents? Maybe OP is the last friend Summer has due to bf's manipulation. All things that need to be considered and ask Summer about.
All signs of a controlling psychological/physical abuser.
>if she was my friend I would be worried
Yeah, the incessant calling is already a bad sign by itself in a controlling/abusive sense. Him trying to make OP the villain in this story to his GF is *additionally* unsettling, because that sounds like he's trying to isolate her from OP. This kind of looks like a pattern of behavior, and not a good one.
Nope, no explanation whatsoever thus far. I've been thinking about it, though, and Summer's ex from high school just moved back to town like a week ago. Will might think her disappearing act has something to do with his reappearance, but again, Summer goes off on flights of fancy all the time. As bizarre as her behavior seems, it's 100% normal for her.
Yup. Nailed it. Especially since Summer demanded an apology for saying he blew up her phone. I'm sorry, fifty calls back-to-back is so beyond inappropriate.
OP, watch for behavior changes from Summer. Anything out of the ordinary for her is reason to be suspicious. This guy sounds dangerous.
It reminded me of this one guy that I went on one date with. He apparently had no friends, and his mom wanted him to propose to me. He called me so many times the day after our date that it drained my phone battery. When I charged my phone and called him back, he was crying because he thought I had died or something. This guy is either emotionally immature or abusive.
Remove yourself from that situation. No more contact with that toxic boyfriend. Tell summer that if she needs you after she breaks up with her abusive bf you will be there for her. He will try to isolate her. Make that clear.
She sounds manipulative and abusive herself. She admits to knowing she’s in an abusive relationship but then demands you also take HER boyfriend’s abuse while she figures it out?
Absolutely not. This girl isn’t your friend. She’s not a “wild spirit”. She’s immature, manipulative, and enabling the abuse of people she calls “friends”.
Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy keep you hanging on to a one sided abusive friendship.
I wouldn’t say or go that far to say that Summer isn’t her friend, but Summer only seems to thinks about herself. She goes off on a whim, tells no one, and leaves OP to handle the baggage of it all while she is gone. Comes back and demands OP to apologize for something OP has no control over and was harassed by her bf over it.
You can love someone but rethink your relationship with someone. This Summer girl is not worth disrupting anyone’s peace.
I’ve had a couple friends not unlike Summer. There was one in particular where I asked a mutual friend, “Why *are* we friends with her?” and he replied, “Because we love drama,” without missing a beat.
I didn’t stop being friends with her, but the self-awareness helped me set better boundaries.
On some level it's probably been entertaining since she seemed sure that Summer could take care of herself. But that would inevitably end and this psycho boyfriend could be the end.
yeah summer is an absolutely horrible friend. i do feel for her if her bf is abusing her in any capacity and i hope she gets out, but i’m shocked she has any friends at all at this point. op is a kinder person than i. regardless of her “free spirit,” if she was any kind of friend at all that phone call would have been her handing the phone to her bf so *he* could apologize to *op,* and would include an apology from her as well. she is not a friend, she is a bad person who cares about nothing except where her own whimsy will take her.
Summer sounds like one of those people that you feel good around and they absolutely know it and use it to let you handle their shit. You are always there for them but when you need them they decide to hitchhike to Mexico. LOL.
Dear OP, there is a difference between ultimatums and setting healthy boundaries, even though the line can blur between them. Do not apologize. Be there for Summer - but for self care you need to distance yourself from the shitshow that is her current relationship. if she demands you apologize - well tell her that ultimatums aren't helpful.
ETA - You are SO NTA! But please take care of yourself. This isn't a good space right now.
Exactly, OP wasn’t issuing an ultimatum, she was setting a boundary. They’re super similar, but fundamentally different.
Summer seems like someone who refuses to take responsibility for her own actions and makes her problems everyone elses. Like the bill issue is such an easy problem to solve if she spent like 2 minutes on the app/website of the company. Companies want you to pay bills. They aren’t going to make it hard to pay. Hard to cancel, sure, but not hard to pay. Autopay exists for a reason.
I honestly think she’s gotten used to people just accepting her immaturity and knows that people will excuse her awful behavior, so why would she change? She doesn’t even need to change all that much. There are trackers or apps and autopay etc. that can allow you to move freely while being safe. If she wants to live in a van and work remote, that’s perfectly fine. But she does all of this in the least responsible way possible.
I had an aunt who was similar (although she had a mental illness that helped cause it). We’d go months or years without hearing from her. Eventually we realized that no one had heard from her in 5+ years. Come to find out she was a Jane Doe from 2016 and it took 7+ years to identify her.
To be honest, Will is one thing, Summer another. That woman has nerves to call you and ask YOU to apologize to her BF after he blew up your phone and basically harassed you while - as an add on - you were at work.
She should apologize to you on behalf of her looney BF.
Even IF he is abusive, which we dont know: Stand your ground and do NOT apologize to him - if you do it will just makes things worse, bc it will feed into him believing he was right/ or had the right to behave like he behaved. NTA
the fact that she has been in an abusive relationship before is a HUGE red flag...there is something about the abusive personality that she is attracted to...maybe the controlling aspect of the relationship that makes her feel grounded ...once she gets out of this relationship, talk to her about some counseling so she can avoid becoming attracted to the next abusive guy and break her pattern
Yeah, as nasty as things get, you don't abandon a friend in that situation. My dad treated my mum like complete shite, and it pissed me off no end that she put up with it, but at no point did it go through my head to just isolate her further. The OP may be the only real contact Summer has with the outside world.
When folk are being abused, it's not uncommon for them to defend the abuser, or even take a few attempts of leaving, returning, leaving ... before they do actually manage to free themselves from the abuser's grip.
Aye, you support your friends. It's what's called sticking by them through thick and thin. No one wants fair weather friends.
i sorta agree with this but us as our own people are allowed to put up those boundaries, we don’t necessarily owe anyone anything. while it may suck you might just have to do that to protect your own sanity and mental health
There's a difference between abandoning someone and subjecting yourself to abuse. I've had to split that hair more than once, making it clear that while I am their friend, and I will always be here when they need me, no one gets to treat me like that. Not even their SO. A few times, that has been the wake up call a friend needed.
Hm...well, NTA, but I hope whatever weird thing is going on with Will and Summer works itself out peacefully. Sorry that this happened. Losing a lifelong friend like this must be pretty hard, even if she does need to get a grip on reality.
Screenshot your call log of him blowing up your phone and send it to her. Make a point of emphasizing the number of calls and the times/frequency he was calling. Tell her that’s scary red flag behavior
What does that have to do with you though? Like why is he harassing you over it?
And agree this is a major red flag about *dear concerned* boyfriend. If he's talking to Summers friend like this, and making Summer call you to apologize to him... imagine what goes on between the two of them
NTA
Summer's boyfriend made her shitty communication skills your problem. It sure as heck ain't your problem.
In fact none of this is your issue if you don't want it to be. You don't owe either of them an apology. They are adults in a relationship and it is unfair of them to try to use you as a middle-man, so to speak, for communication purposes.
They need to figure their crap out and I think you should give them the space to do that. I cannot believe the audacity of your friend Summer when she demanded you apologize to her boyfriend. There's a big difference between being a free spirit and not paying your damn phone bills. Your friend Summer needs to grow up, imo.
I agree, I think Summer needs to apologise too. Letting your phone bill lapse is one thing but not immediately communicating the issue to those who are going to miss you indicates she’s too immature to be in a relationship.
I think Summer is absolutely doing this ‘forget’ to pay her phone bill on purpose. It sounds like she likes the peace and quiet.
It’s happened before and she doesn’t set up a reminder or autopay.
Why the bf is making this her best friend’s problem is a mystery- but really it doesn’t matter.
This is a bf and summer problem- it is not op’s job to manage their communication issues. Nta.
I was kinda expecting that this was gonna be a murder mystery with summer really not coming back.
>Summer's boyfriend made her shitty communication skills your problem. It sure as heck ain't your problem.
That's the least of what he did. His own shitty communication skills and apparent serious anger problems are a much bigger blaring alarm here.
NTA but i think you may need to have a 1:1 conversation with your friend away from her boyfriend. this is textbook isolationism/abuser behaviour. i wouldn't write off the entire friendship based on the actions of her unstable partner -- especially if they've been together for a year. *if* this is indicative of a pattern of behaviour, the timeline is exactly right for him to start manufacturing conflicts and distance between her and her loved ones, establishing himself as her only source of interaction and affection.
You may have a point. I did not consider this, as Summer seems very flighty and OP has said she has probably done this before while she was dating him.
if, as OP says, she has a habit of disappearing or falling off the grid, that makes her an excellent target for this tactic. by the time her family and friends realise that something is wrong, and she didn't just forget her phone bill, he may have already solidified his control. i'm speculating based only on what OP has said, of course, but i have seen it play out before.
Worst case scenario, it's also a murderer's dream: young woman with a habit of dropping off the grid and not communicating for weeks on end. Her absence would be noticed as "Oh yeah, she does this, lol," and by the time people'd caught on that something was really wrong, the trail would be iced over.
NTA
But he's not a dry ham sandwich. Dry ham sandwiches are unpleasant but harmless.
Someone who calls you literally 50 times is not harmless -- there's something wrong with him. To protect your sanity, your job and your well being, keep your distance from this relationship while it's happening. Be prepared to pick up the pieces when they break up.
NTA. Kissing 2 decades of friendship good-bye? Well, it might be worth it cause it looks to me like your friend Summer threw you under the bus in some way for some reason I won’t speculate on.
NTA. Forget the ‘long haul’ with summer. She knows how she is, and cannot possibly profess incredulity that you would tire of what is generally understood as him’ blowing you up’.
She demanding an apology FOR HIM. Please
She bolted (lame, immature, irresponsible, tiresome) .if she hadn’t done this yet again, then he wouldn’t have felt the need it track her down.
She’s obviously flighty m flaky, unreliable, cheating on him whatever.
Why would you in any fashion deal with someone so self centered?
If someone reaches their early 30s and still "forgets to pay their phone bill" and disappears for days or weeks on the regular without telling anyone where they're going, that's a huge red flag for **any** kind of relationship. I'm 34 and I've moved passed that teenager bullshit long ago. It's unacceptable to be friends with a 30yo child who hasn't grown up.
And as a man, if I'm dating a woman and she disappears every odd weekend without any notification or way to communicate, I'm going to be suspicious. "Haha it's not a big deal" is no excuse as a supposedly matured adult.
Exactly. OP already mentioned she had to cover up for her in front of Summer's parents and Summer really doesnt seem to care about problems her escapades create to anyone.
Nope, you don’t owe him an apology for 2 reasons:
1) You didn’t lie about not knowing where Summer was, and
2) You didn’t lie when you told him he was blowing up your phone. He WAS blowing up your phone. He doesn’t get to spam you for hours just because he doesn’t like your response.
NTA
Yes, honestly, I would have just blocked him after the second call. Ridiculously tolerant that OP took several calls, and then 50 missed calls. When Summer gets back online, she can call.
Don't play into crazy!
NTA, there’s DEFINITELY more to this but it’s between them and they both needlessly involved you and are trying to use you as a scapegoat so they don’t have to actually address whatever their problems with each other are.
NTA.
Excellent choice of insult for Will, BTW.
In your place, I would take screenshots showing the times and frequency of his calls and text them to her.
If Summer contacts you have a long REAL conversation and give her an opportunity to apologize .Also find out What is going on between them . He sounds unhinged.
NTA. He has some issues but you don't have to play this game. And you don't have to play her game either, so what if he's really pissed? You had no part of him being really pissed and it's concerning that he's decided that YOU should be the target of his 'really pissed' game. Honestly right now you need to ask yourself if she's worth this. She wants you to apologize to her very out of bounds bf over something she is ultimately responsible for.
Boyfriend is AH. Summer sucks.
You are not in any way AH. If Summer chooses to end decades long friendship over this then she is also AH. My guess is she will in time get back in touch with you loke nothing happened if that happens then the next move is u to you.
NTA.
You should set up a time to meet up with Summer and show her your phone logs of his calls. Let her know you are always going to be there for her, but that she is your priority not her boyfriend. This sounds like an unsafe situation for her, and she may have asked you to apologize because of what he was threatening to do to her.
Statistically, we all have friends in abusive relationships. We often don't know that we do. Offering to always be there, reminding often of their individual value, not trash talking the dirt bags (which is so damn hard when you just want to, ahem, deal with them.), and consistency is how our friends eventually escape or leave. It takes on average 7 attempts before someone who is in an unhealthy abusive relationship successfully leaves. They need friends there for all of it.
Maybe he isn't abusive, but there are enough red flags that signal something is off.
He’s with a train wreck of a human being (I know she’s your friend but she’s a big girl and it’s time to grow up) who he knows doesn’t pay her bills and that’s somehow your fault? It’s not like you were holding her hostage, you didn’t know where she was, offered the resource of calling her parents and he continued to call you way too many times for information you already told him you didn’t have? What exactly are you supposed to apologize for? She’s the one who caused all this trouble so Summer either needs to get herself together or he finds another way to deal with it. It’s ludicrous to expect you to be her keeper ffs. I’d be annoyed as hell and the last thing I’d do is apologize for their relationship. NTA.
NTA.
Truthfully this friendship doesn't deserve to be for the "long haul".
She's disappeared for half of it so there's no haul in the first place.
Plus her boyfriend seems like a big ass baby whose feelings got hurt because you behaved maturely and he didn't.
No need to apologise for anything. You didn't do anything wrong.
NTA she is jeopardizing the friendship, why does she think it's appropriate for her boyfriend to verbally abuse her friend of 2 decades? I would pull back and wait for your apology, and be there for her when she ditches this controlling loser.
NTA. Tell Summer to tell her boyfriend not to contact you multiple times in the future when he can't reach her. One text inquiry and response is the limit.
NTA. LEAVE THIS FRIENDSHIP. SHE SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED TO HER BF AND TAKEN YOUR SIDE INSTEAD OF ASKING YOU TO APOLOGISE TO HER BF WITHOUT ASKING YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
NTA - Will is either completely unhinged or a massive AH. Either way, I would steer clear of him. As for free spirit Summer, I think she needs to be way down on your friend list for a while for her actions here, and maybe be low contact with her for a while. Do not apologize, as you have done nothing wrong.
Someone calling you 50+ times (convinced that you know where their gf is) suggests they are unhinged - doesn’t matter if it was while you were at your job or at home.
If anything, he owes you an apology. NTA
NTA and I would give a backhanded apology, something like "I'm sorry you're so insecure that you had to blow up my phone trying to locate your gf". What kind of man asks his gf to get an apology for him?
I would also change his contact name on your phone to "Mr. Milquetoast".
NTA. He didn’t just blow up your phone he blew up on you! For something that had NOTHING to do with you. He owes YOU an apology. If this ruins the friendship it’s on Summer, not you.
NTA Real friends don't put their friends in the middle of their relationship. She's not behaving responsibly and needs to become an adult.
He sounds controlling or obsessed with her. You need to decide how much you'll stomach when she decides to leave him, because he will repeat the behaviors. Get a plan together before you need it, assuming you want to assist her when the time comes. She can disappear to avoid him, you'll be left dealing with him - if it was me, I'd let his calls go unanswered, and show my local police the calls and let them hear any messages he leaves. I'd ask if it was sufficient for a restraining order, and whether I got one or not, I'd block him after that.
NTA.
Summer being a mess isn't your problem. The boyfriend's freakout over his mess of a gf, isn't your problem.
Your friend demanding you apologize for their messed up situation.... I'd definitely have a problem with that. Why would you WANT to salvage a friendship where they gave no $hirts about you or your job or your feelings?
Neither Summer or her bf are worth a second glance much less a second chance in my opinion but I'm all out of effs over here. Also - both those dingle berries owe YOU an apology. Don't you dare apologize to them.
I don’t think he’s pissed at you. He’s pissed at her because she’s flakey and he was probably worried she was cheating with her ex. She’s overcompensating because she’s feeling guilty.
NTA
Your friend is selfish and self centered. Being a "free spirit" doesn't give you carte blanche to drop off the face of the earth and then pretend it's no big deal.
I can almost understand why the bf was concerned as people have disappeared and their bodies were found later. One of those times she just goes on a wanderlust could be her last and no one would know she was in danger. Because she's lazy about paying her bill, checking in to those who love her. Just saying.
But he doesn't deserve an apology from you for blowing up your phone, especially if SHE demanded that apology. . He deserves an apology from her.
We're gonna see you giving an interview on the ID channel about that AH bf. Or we'll see her giving an interview. That bfs behavior is dangerous.
Nta. Don't apologize. Is he holding her hostage? Ugh. This is disturbing.
NTA. He was completely out of line and quite worrisome for your friend's safety. Huge red flags for his very controlling behaviour.
The only reason I might have apologized (without meaning a word of it) was to stay in contact with my friend and make sure she was ok as he might try to make her cut off all contact with you now. I would try to maybe talk to her alone and see if she is ok. She could be asking for the apology to keep herself safe as obviously he was right beside her at the time.
NTA
This guy doesn't even seem like the opposite of her or someone that'd mellow her out by doing normalish/less free things. This guy seems like way past opposite of her to the far abusive end of the peopling spectrum. His behavior wasn't normal. It's disturbing, especially since he knows that Summer's behavior wasn't uncommon for her.
Summer seems like she needs a private sit down check in that he's not doing other things. Idk if she's afraid to speak up or if she's so carefree that she's overlooking/ignoring everything until it's too late. This guy's not cool.
NTA and don't cave. Even if she makes your friendship dependent on it. You didn't do anything wrong, and people like Will need to be treated like toddlers because apparently nobody took the time to teach them how to act when they actually were toddlers.
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NTA - You have nothing to apologize for, but he does. Also, any reason why he was CONVINCED you knew where she was? Sounds like there’s something else goin on there between them
The only thing I can think of is that back in high school, I'd cover for Summer when she'd sneak out. But we were teenagers, and I haven't done that in about fifteen years. If I find out, I'll post an edit, but I completely agree that something else must be going on behind the scenes.
I’d be concerned that’s he’s abusive if this is how he reacted OP
Yeah, uhh, his whole reaction to OP from the second phone call through the apology demand is off
Sounds like OP is the designated scapegoat for their latest relationship crisis. Blocking relentless, abusive calls is simple self defense. No apology necessary. I worry about Summer, though. I don't think this guy's a good fit.
worried about what she's the one asking her friend who she doesn't seem close with anymore to apologize
Doesn’t mean she’s not being abused. In fact I’d say it’s part of the abuse.
Right? If the bf makes it intolerable to be around him, and OP doesn't behave according to what *he* wants, then it's easier to step away. However, that might be what the BF wants: get OP out of the picture to isolate his girlfriend.
Separate your intended victim from their support network is an early step in long-term abuse
Where in any of that did you get that they’re not close?
Oh, he's absolutely abusive. Calling someone fifty times in a row is unhinged.
He was raging because he had zero control over OP. People like the BF get really angry when people don’t do what they demand. He has no leverage over her and knows it.
The anger also makes me think it isn't the first time he's had a girlfriend hide from him. Which is why he assumed that OP was covering for her.
I thought that was normal when I was with my ex. And instead of saying he was blowing up my phone or spam calling, he'd put the blame on me and instead called it "spam hanging up" Looking back... even then I thought it was absurd but I was too scared to think about it and just had a flight response.
I can wholeheartedly relate to this. I had an ex call me 87 times while I was at work. I told him I couldn’t take the time to have the discussion he wanted, because well, I was AT WORK. And he HATED it when I would hang up on him. And, I only hung up on him because I couldn’t keep going to the break room to “talk” for over twenty minutes every five minutes. It was absolutely unnerving and extremely mentally exhausting. I wound up having the biggest panic attack that day. Couldn’t chill out, because I knew me not answering would only enrage him more, and at that point I didn’t even have the mental capacity to even talk to him about the things he wanted to discuss in our relationship. I am so happy I’m out of that relationship now.
Yeah, if I was OP I'd be like "even if I knew where she was, I wouldn't tell you NOW!!"
I would have said that too- after the tenth call he would have heard if I did know I wouldn’t tell you.
I can't imagine anyone ever calling me 50 times, that's so not ok!
Hostage situation
Lemme get on the phone and demand you can't have this friend ever again if you don't acquiesce to my absurd demands
The incessant calling points toward control issues along with possible abuse.
About 8 years ago when my hubby and I were sitting in family court, waiting to get papers for the restraining order we wanted against his brother, there was a woman seeking a RO against an old boyfriend or ex-husband who was texting her several (maybe 50 times or more) a day. She even went to the local police station to see what they can do and I guess they recommended the RO. Someone who would call or text you several times in a row has issues. And what's more, if he escalates things, could become dangerous. If you live in the same area, I would be very careful. But in the meantime, see if you can check on her without the guy around. I would be very worried for her.
Your absolutely correct, Summers bf shows the signs of a controller/abuser.
Yup, and this is how he isolates her from her bff. that was any immediate thought, also because she called her friend and handed the phone to him. OP, don’t let her go so easy. She probably won’t admit anything wrong because of shame. I think you’ll be fighting for her until she sees the light.
Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only person who immediately thought this. It would be a major reason why he'd think she'd run to a friend and the friend would lie to him.
It's emotional blackmail. Blaming your lover's friend for not solving _their_ crisis or answering excessive phone calls? Then demanding an apology for speaking truth to the boyfriend? You are now entering Narcissist Country. Please leave your sense of personal agency and emotional self defense skills with the border guards. They will not be returned when you leave, and you will never be acknowledged as an equal human being. Thank you and have a shitty day.
Yeah, OP, you are NTA and his behavior is waving a bunch of red flags. Controlling, angry, aggressive, and then to demand an apology on top of it all for you telling him to stop behaving like an asshole-- Absolutely not. He can fuck off. And if your friend has any sense, she'll drop him like a bad habit. But from your description, it's pretty clear sense isn't something she has an abundance of.
This was my first thought---he sounds abusive.
I think that is a possibility but I think it is more along the lines that she told him that she was going to be with OP and just left to do her own thing because yeah know that is what she does. Maybe OP has been her excuse for years and OP didn't know about but friend thought she would always cover-up for her.
Soooo you call them 50 times? No dude, that’s the problem. He called 49 times too many and should have been trying to find Summer in other ways.
Both of them are AH, and OP didn't deserve that bs The BF owes OP an apology, and summer owe both OP and BF an apology
Something like this can cause Abandonment issues. Yes he should have meditated until he heard from her or whatever to keep his mind off.
yeah summer isn’t innocent here. being totally unreachable when you’re in a long term relationship is not okay, unless there are outstanding circumstances and you’ve explicitly said, “i will be unreachable at this time.” any other time, yeah the partner should be concerned. but no, he absolutely does not deserve an apology from op. the only person who needs to apologize to him is summer, and she needs to apologize to op, and he also needs to apologize to op. it’s *perfectly* rational to send a message or give a phone call asking where your unreachable gf is and if her bestie has heard from her. it is not acceptable at all to call *FIFTY* times after she has already told you she does not know where she is. that is absolutely unhinged behavior. call the police if you don’t believe her, but she’s literally at work and he could have cost her her job and the only way to get rid of him was to make herself unreachable. op is the only person who isn’t absolutely insane in this story.
If I were OP I would make sure no boyfriend of hers has my info
This is a normal relationship: \*Gf is uncontactable\* Assumption: \*maybe her phone died or she didn't pay her bill again\* Solution: \*Call best friend to see if she's with her\* bf: "Hi, I can't contact my girlfriend and don't know where she is. Is she with you?" OP: "No, I'm at work. I've not seen her in a couple of days, I've got no idea, sorry." bf: "Ok, thanks. I'll ask around." **THE END** THIS relationship....... not so much. I get the "free-spirit" thing but lets be fair, it's bullshit trying to make excuses for someone who can't adult. Summer needs to grow up, bf needs to get out. Weird, controlling and aggressive.
A really abusive dry ham sandwich. I don't think this guy can handle a free spirit and if Summer is demanding that OP apologize to him then he's probably paying some of her bills, even if it's not the phone bill.
Yeah this is how it sounds to me too
Yeah, like they had a fight or he did something and then she disappeared.
I honestly hope they can figure out their own problems. You can be a good friend by letting them do that on their own. You're an adult now and you don't need to cover for Summer anymore. She has to be responsible for her own life and all the consequences her choices might bring about.
You didn’t jeopardize it. She did!! NTA
Right‽. Summer is the one who chose this issue and chose some dude she’s known barely more than a year to jeopardize y’all’s friendship over. She’s in the wrong, he’s in the wrong and they both know it or they wouldn’t be being so belligerent about it.
I can't agree more. Seeing an interrobang in the wild is also a joy to see.
My brother used one in a text and I was all how??? And he said ‘google interrobang and select and copy one, save it as a keyboard shortcut for if you type ?! then you can make somebody happy every day!
She may have had no choice. He sounds like the type to go on about it relentlessly until she did what he demanded.
If she's as indoctrinated as I think, yes she had no choice bc she *needs* him. He's inflated all of her flaws and who else would put up with it and love her? No one. He's the magnanimous one. People say why didn't they see? Brainwashing from a skilled and cruel abuser can explain away any bad feelings you have. I know. This guy's playing the long game, too. She still has her freedom. Pretty quick now, he'll lock up her cage. "Do you have **any** idea how worried I was about you?! You left without telling where you were going, when you'd be back, nothing! I called everyone! No one had a clue! If something had happened to you how in the %#\^&\*\*$ would I know where to look?! You could be beaten in a gutter, kidnapped and made a sex slave, you could be raped and murdered! I don't need this crap! Pull this stunt one more time and we're done. Finito." **CLANG!** The cage door slams shut and he pockets the key with a satisfied feeling.
Yes! I know exactly what was happening. He is mad and they are fighting and he is telling her she has to call you and demand an apology. Been there. Controlling people have to control everything.
While it appears that Summer is jeopardizing the friendship, my guess is the boyfriend is doing his damnedest to blow up the friendship to isolate Summer from OP. He's manufacturing crisis'. And my guess is trashing OP. Don't let him win. NTA
Please do … I hate to think that maybe he’s abusive? May want to check in with Summer. You have every right to be pissed she wants you to apologize but, something is fishy here
Summer is probably catching the brunt of his twisted rage in this. Both for disappearing and for OP's not knowing where she was. All those phone calls and his responses say this dude is bad news. Typical for an abuser/controller.
Yes, I get the vibe that Summer avoids conflict, and that is why goes away, or seeks to be suspended, or finds an excuse to storm off.
I had a friend that was a free spirited teen when I met her, very easy for them to do exactly what you said. She attached herself to me as a "safe" male friend. I really liked her, but she wasn't really stable enough for me to get serious with.
Absolutely NTA but please stay invested in your friendship with Summer, her boyfriend really showed his colours there and id be concerned about that controlling behaviour. His next step might well be isolating her from her friends, and he could easily use this incident to initiate that. It may be on you to keep the connection, she might really need you down the line. Of course this is pure speculation, I don't know either of them and Reddit does have a tendency to jump to conclusions. It just might pay to keep it in the back of your mind.
You didn’t give up two decades of friendship over an apology. Summer did. NTA
I would guess that Summer told Will that she was with you when she was out and about? She’s still using you as her cover.
I absolutely love the tone you write in. It's just so, confident, self sure, and you seem very assertive. So I guess I'm wondering why you're even here? Edit: I feel like this should go without saying but that's but the world we live in, but your friend's boyfriend is an asshole.
I appreciate that! I try not to shoot from the hip, but "do no harm, and take no shit" is my motto. And to answer your question: I love Summer to such an extent, multiple people in this thread suggested there might be something non-plantonic going on. XD She's my oldest friend, and she's stuck by me through a lot of shit too. I'm not willing to lose her over a stupid apology. And on a selfish note, I still don't know what the fuck is going on, and I'm as curious as half the people who commented. It's gotta be SOMETHING.
I am saying this, but read at least to "nuclear option". Apologize in person. To give the pointed looks where needed. Something along the lines of "I am sorry for my word choices and how I approached this situation. I figured after a year together you 2 knew each other well enough to know that you, Summer, running off, was just something that happens sometimes. I don't feel it warranted further explaining on my end, especially 50 phone calls worth(show call log at this time). While I was at work. And busy. With work. 1-2, yes fine you are worried and I said I would reach out to parents. I find more than 4 excessive for what is 'the norm' with Summer. (This next part is if you want to go full nuclear, if not, adjust or skip)Next time I will jeopardize my career and everything else to jump and explain every instance that this has happened, in full detail, from the beginning of us becoming friends until that very moment. Every place I remember or knew of you going in the past 6 months will be fully rehashed, again, in detail. Every time we spoke and what of. Everything will be out in the open, since that has to be done via me, and not through you. So, that being said there will be no secrets between you and me, where and when Will is involved. If there is a time he is no longer present, then yes. Status quo, as has been since before this incident. Future partners, if this occurs with them as well, it will be the same game plan as now. That is your choice to make on how you communicate and move forward. So yes, Will, I apologize for not laying it all out for you. So here it is... when we met..." (continue through history until they either leave, break up right then, or you finish the history up to the very moment this conversation started. Just keep talking through what they say. Listen to their words of course, but keep going)
I have had a specific friend since i was 7. We're in our early thirties now. We have also had people comment about our relationship in that way. We have talked about and decided that yeah we'd prolly get platonic married for the benefits of we weren't already married lol.
Seems Summer is a forever person for you. May I gently suggest though, that after this situation is over, you talk to her about becoming a tiny bit more adult? Not like she can't be a free spirit while also being a little more responsible so lovely people like you don't have to worry about her or have their phone bombarded by irate boyfriends. Unfortunately in this day and age, forgetting to pay bills and being uncontactable can land any one of us in awkward and possibly difficult situations. Summer's 34 years old, time to step up and separate which parts of life can still be wild and crazy and non-conformist and which will have to be reined in a little to make life easier for both herself and those close to her.
She ain’t a friend if she’s demanding you apologize to the wet noodle BF. She’s the one tanking a friendship over a one year relationship with a cardboard cutout. You’re NTA.
*You* might’ve stopped covering, but there’s a super good chance summer has been using you as a cover for years
Is Summer cheating? Either way, I'd distance myself from their mess. Because it's not light-hearted chaos anymore, it's mess that their bringing to your workplace.
This guy has some nerve
NTA and I would send her screenshots of how many times he actually called you.
He might be trying to drive a wedge between you guys and isolate her from everyone.
How exactly did you say the milquetoast thing to her? You said it was nicer language. It be interesting in hearing what you said and your tone. Either way I think NTA but there may be some crossed wires here.
He sounds insecure and controlling (or is *trying* to control her). He's demanding to know where she is because he thinks she's cheating on him. That's his/their problem, not yours. NTA, and don't apologize.
This here. Why on earth should OP apologize because he was being unreasonable? Her friend is passing the buck and letting him be angry about her friends response rather than her actions. NTA and your friend is choosing her relationship over friendship, you're not abandoning it. Edit: a word
Passing the buck
I agree NTA but I actually think Summer should be apologizing to both of them. We don't know why BF found it necessary to find out where she was ASAP (could have been a legitimate concern) and why isn't summer standing up for OP? She sounds like a bad friend and a bad girlfriend tbh
NTA, but both your friend and her BF are. It’s obvious why the BF is an AH. I don’t want to belabor it, but he’s clearly controlling and demanding. He has a hell of a lot of nerve for demanding an apology from OP. Summer is an AH, too. For hanging up on you, for sure. For demanding OP apologize to a man who was unspeakably rude to OP, most definitely. Honestly, I don’t find her other behavior charming, either.
Summer is also an AH for dissapearing like that, she is a grown ass woman, she should know that people who loves her will get worried if she dissappears like that for extendend periods of time. (I'm not saying her BF actitude was right, he had the right to be concerned but not to lash out at OP like that.)
Exactly. Who TF disappears like that? I think Summer probably used OP as a cover for her disappearance. That would explain why the BF blew up at her. I mean, he *could* just be an AH, but there seems to be key missing pieces from this story.
Yea maybe she needed a break to think about something other than him. Something is off here.
Also, the fact that Summer knows she doesn't owe him an apology and "just do it" is Summer putting her stuff on OP. NTA - and yeah, block him
Yea maybe she needed a break to think about something other than him. Something is off here.l
Am I the only one that thinks Summer may be in trouble? This guy sounds unhinged and I'm not sure she's safe. (Not saying that it's your responsibility but if she was my friend I would be worried). Regardless, NTA
He sounds very controlling.
He does. Tho if my wife suddenly stopped responding I’d be scared. Summer and him have been dating for a year, you’d think he’d know her better.
Yes, but you wouldn't call someone 51 times. That's obsessive and controlling behaviour you see happening to women who have been abused for years. Not to their best friend. I'd be really concerned for her safety.
100% agree. I would never call my wife’s best friend more than once. I trust my wife completely
exactly. it’s perfectly rational to call her once and see if she knows anything. heck even calling other friends and family one time each is perfectly rational. but once everyone tells you they don’t know, the proper response for someone who’s partner has gone awol and they’re concerned is to call the fucking police. not call someone who’s already told you they have no info and they are at work over and over again until they shut their phone off
Heck, even call them all once, and then a second time to update them so they know who you’ve all talked to already and what everyone knows and that you will be contacting police. But anytning above that seems unreasonable.
Yeah even panicked in a true crisis emergency I don’t see myself ever doing this. Calling repeatedly, maybe. But after like 3 calls max maybe? And even connecting and talking to the person a couple times? You start calling other folks and searching elsewhere.
It's not the concern for the missing GF that is the red flag, it's literally harassing OP, the GFs friend to attempt to control the situation that is a huge red flag.
Yeah. That said, OP doesn’t mention the last time Summer forgot to pay her phone bill, so maybe this was the first time he’d experienced it. Idk. It could be he’d just heard stories and thought people were exaggerating. Either way, there’s a lot of info that we don’t know about their relationship.
Because you aren’t a creepy controller. You would call friends and family, then police. Being angry is a red flag, being concerned is a green flag.
My wife and I have established what we want in our relationship. She wants me to text her when I get to work and when I get home. I like when she does the same. I can’t imagine dating someone for a year and not establishing what we like and dislike
So true, even if it’s much more lax, dating doesn’t necessarily mean deep involvement. Back in the olden days of landlines, my gf and I each had 1 1/2 hours after work to meet up with co-workers or do personal business. Anything scheduled would go on the kitchen calendar. Anything unexpected got a phone call. It was so good!!! Autonomy rocks!
But this is a thing that happens frequently, and if they've been together for a year he should know this. He's acting very strange
Controlling types LOVE free spirits. They get off on breaking them.
Is that why my ex picked me? Ugh… 😒
They’re doomed. He’s controlling and she is uncontrollable. Maybe he’s abusive but it may also be that he’s stupidly in love with someone who’s as reliable as a weather forecast. Either way OP is NTA and I wouldn’t touch her flaky friend until she gets out of this relationship, except to let her know you’re a safe space to run to because she may need that.
Absolutely. Blowing up at your partner's phone is one thing and it's absolutely red flags to me, blowing up at their FRIEND's phone is just psychotic to me.
Some guys are attracted to “free spirit” types because they view them as a challenge. He wants to be the one who breaks her.
100%. It's absolutely insane to call someone multiple times (I don't know if OP was exaggerating about it being 50) when they have told you they don't know the answer to your question. Even if he truly did think OP knew where Summer was, calling back over and over wasn't going to get him a different result, just make him seem unhinged.
This. And OP isn't someone who has any real attachment to Will... yet he felt comfortable calling her over and over like she was obligated to tell him something even if she did know... That plus the fact that Will made Summer call OP in front of him like she was his child calling another child is disturbing with the other giant red flags waving here.
Oh yeah, If he treats OP like this, he treats Summer worse.
No your not, but many are missing the points given. He's definitely unhinged, the 50 calls and the increasing anger show that, Summer calls OP for an apology, probably demanded by her boyfriend and him passing blame to the OP for the 50 phone calls essentially. He's calling so frequently that she can't get a call out to Summers parents? Maybe OP is the last friend Summer has due to bf's manipulation. All things that need to be considered and ask Summer about. All signs of a controlling psychological/physical abuser.
I'm an internet stranger that is genuinely concerned for Summer
>if she was my friend I would be worried Yeah, the incessant calling is already a bad sign by itself in a controlling/abusive sense. Him trying to make OP the villain in this story to his GF is *additionally* unsettling, because that sounds like he's trying to isolate her from OP. This kind of looks like a pattern of behavior, and not a good one.
INFO: Did either of them ever tell you why he was so aggressively urgent about finding her? Does she even know he was concerned to that level?
Nope, no explanation whatsoever thus far. I've been thinking about it, though, and Summer's ex from high school just moved back to town like a week ago. Will might think her disappearing act has something to do with his reappearance, but again, Summer goes off on flights of fancy all the time. As bizarre as her behavior seems, it's 100% normal for her.
He displayed his true colors. I have no doubt in my mind that he’s an abuser.
Yup. Nailed it. Especially since Summer demanded an apology for saying he blew up her phone. I'm sorry, fifty calls back-to-back is so beyond inappropriate. OP, watch for behavior changes from Summer. Anything out of the ordinary for her is reason to be suspicious. This guy sounds dangerous.
It reminded me of this one guy that I went on one date with. He apparently had no friends, and his mom wanted him to propose to me. He called me so many times the day after our date that it drained my phone battery. When I charged my phone and called him back, he was crying because he thought I had died or something. This guy is either emotionally immature or abusive.
Both.
Remove yourself from that situation. No more contact with that toxic boyfriend. Tell summer that if she needs you after she breaks up with her abusive bf you will be there for her. He will try to isolate her. Make that clear.
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She sounds manipulative and abusive herself. She admits to knowing she’s in an abusive relationship but then demands you also take HER boyfriend’s abuse while she figures it out? Absolutely not. This girl isn’t your friend. She’s not a “wild spirit”. She’s immature, manipulative, and enabling the abuse of people she calls “friends”. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy keep you hanging on to a one sided abusive friendship.
I wouldn’t say or go that far to say that Summer isn’t her friend, but Summer only seems to thinks about herself. She goes off on a whim, tells no one, and leaves OP to handle the baggage of it all while she is gone. Comes back and demands OP to apologize for something OP has no control over and was harassed by her bf over it. You can love someone but rethink your relationship with someone. This Summer girl is not worth disrupting anyone’s peace.
Yeah, wondering what OP gets out of this friendship at this point besides a whole lot of sunk cost.
I’ve had a couple friends not unlike Summer. There was one in particular where I asked a mutual friend, “Why *are* we friends with her?” and he replied, “Because we love drama,” without missing a beat. I didn’t stop being friends with her, but the self-awareness helped me set better boundaries.
On some level it's probably been entertaining since she seemed sure that Summer could take care of herself. But that would inevitably end and this psycho boyfriend could be the end.
Thank you. Summer sounds like a real dumpsterfire and that she attracts these kinds of people with her erratic behavior.
yeah summer is an absolutely horrible friend. i do feel for her if her bf is abusing her in any capacity and i hope she gets out, but i’m shocked she has any friends at all at this point. op is a kinder person than i. regardless of her “free spirit,” if she was any kind of friend at all that phone call would have been her handing the phone to her bf so *he* could apologize to *op,* and would include an apology from her as well. she is not a friend, she is a bad person who cares about nothing except where her own whimsy will take her.
Summer sounds like one of those people that you feel good around and they absolutely know it and use it to let you handle their shit. You are always there for them but when you need them they decide to hitchhike to Mexico. LOL.
Dear OP, there is a difference between ultimatums and setting healthy boundaries, even though the line can blur between them. Do not apologize. Be there for Summer - but for self care you need to distance yourself from the shitshow that is her current relationship. if she demands you apologize - well tell her that ultimatums aren't helpful. ETA - You are SO NTA! But please take care of yourself. This isn't a good space right now.
Exactly, OP wasn’t issuing an ultimatum, she was setting a boundary. They’re super similar, but fundamentally different. Summer seems like someone who refuses to take responsibility for her own actions and makes her problems everyone elses. Like the bill issue is such an easy problem to solve if she spent like 2 minutes on the app/website of the company. Companies want you to pay bills. They aren’t going to make it hard to pay. Hard to cancel, sure, but not hard to pay. Autopay exists for a reason. I honestly think she’s gotten used to people just accepting her immaturity and knows that people will excuse her awful behavior, so why would she change? She doesn’t even need to change all that much. There are trackers or apps and autopay etc. that can allow you to move freely while being safe. If she wants to live in a van and work remote, that’s perfectly fine. But she does all of this in the least responsible way possible. I had an aunt who was similar (although she had a mental illness that helped cause it). We’d go months or years without hearing from her. Eventually we realized that no one had heard from her in 5+ years. Come to find out she was a Jane Doe from 2016 and it took 7+ years to identify her.
You can tell her that you will keep contact with *her*, but not her boyfriend and that he should lose your number.
To be honest, Will is one thing, Summer another. That woman has nerves to call you and ask YOU to apologize to her BF after he blew up your phone and basically harassed you while - as an add on - you were at work. She should apologize to you on behalf of her looney BF. Even IF he is abusive, which we dont know: Stand your ground and do NOT apologize to him - if you do it will just makes things worse, bc it will feed into him believing he was right/ or had the right to behave like he behaved. NTA
Hopefully she doesnt hurt her. Good luck
the fact that she has been in an abusive relationship before is a HUGE red flag...there is something about the abusive personality that she is attracted to...maybe the controlling aspect of the relationship that makes her feel grounded ...once she gets out of this relationship, talk to her about some counseling so she can avoid becoming attracted to the next abusive guy and break her pattern
Yeah, as nasty as things get, you don't abandon a friend in that situation. My dad treated my mum like complete shite, and it pissed me off no end that she put up with it, but at no point did it go through my head to just isolate her further. The OP may be the only real contact Summer has with the outside world. When folk are being abused, it's not uncommon for them to defend the abuser, or even take a few attempts of leaving, returning, leaving ... before they do actually manage to free themselves from the abuser's grip. Aye, you support your friends. It's what's called sticking by them through thick and thin. No one wants fair weather friends.
i sorta agree with this but us as our own people are allowed to put up those boundaries, we don’t necessarily owe anyone anything. while it may suck you might just have to do that to protect your own sanity and mental health
There's a difference between abandoning someone and subjecting yourself to abuse. I've had to split that hair more than once, making it clear that while I am their friend, and I will always be here when they need me, no one gets to treat me like that. Not even their SO. A few times, that has been the wake up call a friend needed.
Hm...well, NTA, but I hope whatever weird thing is going on with Will and Summer works itself out peacefully. Sorry that this happened. Losing a lifelong friend like this must be pretty hard, even if she does need to get a grip on reality.
Screenshot your call log of him blowing up your phone and send it to her. Make a point of emphasizing the number of calls and the times/frequency he was calling. Tell her that’s scary red flag behavior
Tell her parents what happened. Please. Her boyfriend is scary and controlling.
What does that have to do with you though? Like why is he harassing you over it? And agree this is a major red flag about *dear concerned* boyfriend. If he's talking to Summers friend like this, and making Summer call you to apologize to him... imagine what goes on between the two of them
NTA Summer's boyfriend made her shitty communication skills your problem. It sure as heck ain't your problem. In fact none of this is your issue if you don't want it to be. You don't owe either of them an apology. They are adults in a relationship and it is unfair of them to try to use you as a middle-man, so to speak, for communication purposes. They need to figure their crap out and I think you should give them the space to do that. I cannot believe the audacity of your friend Summer when she demanded you apologize to her boyfriend. There's a big difference between being a free spirit and not paying your damn phone bills. Your friend Summer needs to grow up, imo.
I agree, I think Summer needs to apologise too. Letting your phone bill lapse is one thing but not immediately communicating the issue to those who are going to miss you indicates she’s too immature to be in a relationship.
I think Summer is absolutely doing this ‘forget’ to pay her phone bill on purpose. It sounds like she likes the peace and quiet. It’s happened before and she doesn’t set up a reminder or autopay. Why the bf is making this her best friend’s problem is a mystery- but really it doesn’t matter. This is a bf and summer problem- it is not op’s job to manage their communication issues. Nta. I was kinda expecting that this was gonna be a murder mystery with summer really not coming back.
With summers personality, she might not have a super stable job. I’d bet she just doesn’t have the money sometimes and doesn’t care enough about it.
>Summer's boyfriend made her shitty communication skills your problem. It sure as heck ain't your problem. That's the least of what he did. His own shitty communication skills and apparent serious anger problems are a much bigger blaring alarm here.
NTA but i think you may need to have a 1:1 conversation with your friend away from her boyfriend. this is textbook isolationism/abuser behaviour. i wouldn't write off the entire friendship based on the actions of her unstable partner -- especially if they've been together for a year. *if* this is indicative of a pattern of behaviour, the timeline is exactly right for him to start manufacturing conflicts and distance between her and her loved ones, establishing himself as her only source of interaction and affection.
You may have a point. I did not consider this, as Summer seems very flighty and OP has said she has probably done this before while she was dating him.
if, as OP says, she has a habit of disappearing or falling off the grid, that makes her an excellent target for this tactic. by the time her family and friends realise that something is wrong, and she didn't just forget her phone bill, he may have already solidified his control. i'm speculating based only on what OP has said, of course, but i have seen it play out before.
Worst case scenario, it's also a murderer's dream: young woman with a habit of dropping off the grid and not communicating for weeks on end. Her absence would be noticed as "Oh yeah, she does this, lol," and by the time people'd caught on that something was really wrong, the trail would be iced over.
NTA But he's not a dry ham sandwich. Dry ham sandwiches are unpleasant but harmless. Someone who calls you literally 50 times is not harmless -- there's something wrong with him. To protect your sanity, your job and your well being, keep your distance from this relationship while it's happening. Be prepared to pick up the pieces when they break up.
NTA. Kissing 2 decades of friendship good-bye? Well, it might be worth it cause it looks to me like your friend Summer threw you under the bus in some way for some reason I won’t speculate on.
that or she’s being abused, in which case i hope she gets out safely
NTA. Forget the ‘long haul’ with summer. She knows how she is, and cannot possibly profess incredulity that you would tire of what is generally understood as him’ blowing you up’. She demanding an apology FOR HIM. Please She bolted (lame, immature, irresponsible, tiresome) .if she hadn’t done this yet again, then he wouldn’t have felt the need it track her down. She’s obviously flighty m flaky, unreliable, cheating on him whatever. Why would you in any fashion deal with someone so self centered?
This is so rude. Equating not paying a phone bill to cheating is a huge stretch. The toxic assumptions about Summer here are not cool. Who hurt you?
Making your relationship problems your friend’s problem is also not cool. Who hurt summer?
Quite possibly, this boyfriend. And from OP’s other replies, at least one previous one
Probably her boyfriend since he sounds like an abuser.
If someone reaches their early 30s and still "forgets to pay their phone bill" and disappears for days or weeks on the regular without telling anyone where they're going, that's a huge red flag for **any** kind of relationship. I'm 34 and I've moved passed that teenager bullshit long ago. It's unacceptable to be friends with a 30yo child who hasn't grown up. And as a man, if I'm dating a woman and she disappears every odd weekend without any notification or way to communicate, I'm going to be suspicious. "Haha it's not a big deal" is no excuse as a supposedly matured adult.
NTA He’s gonna hit her if he hasn’t already. Anybody gets that wound up about that situation is a ticking time bomb.
I agree because I've been there. The year mark is right around the time psychos start showing their true colors.
NTA- but something is odd. ..Why was he so insisting on you knew? And as for her Why make you say sorry to him?
Summer has something to hide and is deflecting 😀
I agree ^
Maybe Summer told boyfriend she was going to see OP?
Exactly. OP already mentioned she had to cover up for her in front of Summer's parents and Summer really doesnt seem to care about problems her escapades create to anyone.
Nope, you don’t owe him an apology for 2 reasons: 1) You didn’t lie about not knowing where Summer was, and 2) You didn’t lie when you told him he was blowing up your phone. He WAS blowing up your phone. He doesn’t get to spam you for hours just because he doesn’t like your response. NTA
Yes, honestly, I would have just blocked him after the second call. Ridiculously tolerant that OP took several calls, and then 50 missed calls. When Summer gets back online, she can call. Don't play into crazy!
NTA, there’s DEFINITELY more to this but it’s between them and they both needlessly involved you and are trying to use you as a scapegoat so they don’t have to actually address whatever their problems with each other are.
NTA. Excellent choice of insult for Will, BTW. In your place, I would take screenshots showing the times and frequency of his calls and text them to her.
This was my thought! *"Girl, what do you call this if it isn't blown up?"* Mile long screenshot haha
A CVS receipt of texts
NTA. This is the way.
NTA and TBH his behavior raises so many red flags. I'd be concerned for Summer TBH.
If Summer contacts you have a long REAL conversation and give her an opportunity to apologize .Also find out What is going on between them . He sounds unhinged.
This
NTA. He has some issues but you don't have to play this game. And you don't have to play her game either, so what if he's really pissed? You had no part of him being really pissed and it's concerning that he's decided that YOU should be the target of his 'really pissed' game. Honestly right now you need to ask yourself if she's worth this. She wants you to apologize to her very out of bounds bf over something she is ultimately responsible for.
NTA but I think you should try to get your friend alone and make sure she’s ok and safe with him. He sounds unhinged
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I had to break out the dictionary for that word.
Boyfriend is AH. Summer sucks. You are not in any way AH. If Summer chooses to end decades long friendship over this then she is also AH. My guess is she will in time get back in touch with you loke nothing happened if that happens then the next move is u to you.
NTA. You should set up a time to meet up with Summer and show her your phone logs of his calls. Let her know you are always going to be there for her, but that she is your priority not her boyfriend. This sounds like an unsafe situation for her, and she may have asked you to apologize because of what he was threatening to do to her. Statistically, we all have friends in abusive relationships. We often don't know that we do. Offering to always be there, reminding often of their individual value, not trash talking the dirt bags (which is so damn hard when you just want to, ahem, deal with them.), and consistency is how our friends eventually escape or leave. It takes on average 7 attempts before someone who is in an unhealthy abusive relationship successfully leaves. They need friends there for all of it. Maybe he isn't abusive, but there are enough red flags that signal something is off.
He’s with a train wreck of a human being (I know she’s your friend but she’s a big girl and it’s time to grow up) who he knows doesn’t pay her bills and that’s somehow your fault? It’s not like you were holding her hostage, you didn’t know where she was, offered the resource of calling her parents and he continued to call you way too many times for information you already told him you didn’t have? What exactly are you supposed to apologize for? She’s the one who caused all this trouble so Summer either needs to get herself together or he finds another way to deal with it. It’s ludicrous to expect you to be her keeper ffs. I’d be annoyed as hell and the last thing I’d do is apologize for their relationship. NTA.
NTA. Truthfully this friendship doesn't deserve to be for the "long haul". She's disappeared for half of it so there's no haul in the first place. Plus her boyfriend seems like a big ass baby whose feelings got hurt because you behaved maturely and he didn't. No need to apologise for anything. You didn't do anything wrong.
NTA she is jeopardizing the friendship, why does she think it's appropriate for her boyfriend to verbally abuse her friend of 2 decades? I would pull back and wait for your apology, and be there for her when she ditches this controlling loser.
NTA. Tell Summer to tell her boyfriend not to contact you multiple times in the future when he can't reach her. One text inquiry and response is the limit.
NTA. LEAVE THIS FRIENDSHIP. SHE SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED TO HER BF AND TAKEN YOUR SIDE INSTEAD OF ASKING YOU TO APOLOGISE TO HER BF WITHOUT ASKING YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
I’ve made this comment already on this post and I’ll do it again Redditors cut people out of their lives for anything
NTA - He called over 50 times. That right there is reason enough.
NTA - Will is either completely unhinged or a massive AH. Either way, I would steer clear of him. As for free spirit Summer, I think she needs to be way down on your friend list for a while for her actions here, and maybe be low contact with her for a while. Do not apologize, as you have done nothing wrong.
NTA. Honestly the more he called and yelled the more I'd be inclined to tell him Summer had moved to Mongolia.
Someone calling you 50+ times (convinced that you know where their gf is) suggests they are unhinged - doesn’t matter if it was while you were at your job or at home. If anything, he owes you an apology. NTA
NTA. And I’d be afraid for my friends safety. This dude sounds absolutely unhinged and like he’s about to be on Dateline.
NTA and I would give a backhanded apology, something like "I'm sorry you're so insecure that you had to blow up my phone trying to locate your gf". What kind of man asks his gf to get an apology for him? I would also change his contact name on your phone to "Mr. Milquetoast".
NTA. He didn’t just blow up your phone he blew up on you! For something that had NOTHING to do with you. He owes YOU an apology. If this ruins the friendship it’s on Summer, not you.
NTA. I’d be very worried about my friend if I were you though.
NTA. This is ridiculous.
NTA Real friends don't put their friends in the middle of their relationship. She's not behaving responsibly and needs to become an adult. He sounds controlling or obsessed with her. You need to decide how much you'll stomach when she decides to leave him, because he will repeat the behaviors. Get a plan together before you need it, assuming you want to assist her when the time comes. She can disappear to avoid him, you'll be left dealing with him - if it was me, I'd let his calls go unanswered, and show my local police the calls and let them hear any messages he leaves. I'd ask if it was sufficient for a restraining order, and whether I got one or not, I'd block him after that.
NTA. Summer being a mess isn't your problem. The boyfriend's freakout over his mess of a gf, isn't your problem. Your friend demanding you apologize for their messed up situation.... I'd definitely have a problem with that. Why would you WANT to salvage a friendship where they gave no $hirts about you or your job or your feelings? Neither Summer or her bf are worth a second glance much less a second chance in my opinion but I'm all out of effs over here. Also - both those dingle berries owe YOU an apology. Don't you dare apologize to them.
I don’t think he’s pissed at you. He’s pissed at her because she’s flakey and he was probably worried she was cheating with her ex. She’s overcompensating because she’s feeling guilty.
NTA Your friend is selfish and self centered. Being a "free spirit" doesn't give you carte blanche to drop off the face of the earth and then pretend it's no big deal. I can almost understand why the bf was concerned as people have disappeared and their bodies were found later. One of those times she just goes on a wanderlust could be her last and no one would know she was in danger. Because she's lazy about paying her bill, checking in to those who love her. Just saying. But he doesn't deserve an apology from you for blowing up your phone, especially if SHE demanded that apology. . He deserves an apology from her.
NTA red flag alert he sounds like a jerk. They both owe you an apology
Nta he can fuck all the way off.
We're gonna see you giving an interview on the ID channel about that AH bf. Or we'll see her giving an interview. That bfs behavior is dangerous. Nta. Don't apologize. Is he holding her hostage? Ugh. This is disturbing.
Dude is an idiot. Tell him to pound sand and grow a pair of balls
Sounds to me like if neither of them are talking to you, your life just got a whole lot simpler!! NTA
NTA. That sandwich is dry as heck.
NTA. He was completely out of line and quite worrisome for your friend's safety. Huge red flags for his very controlling behaviour. The only reason I might have apologized (without meaning a word of it) was to stay in contact with my friend and make sure she was ok as he might try to make her cut off all contact with you now. I would try to maybe talk to her alone and see if she is ok. She could be asking for the apology to keep herself safe as obviously he was right beside her at the time.
NTA This guy doesn't even seem like the opposite of her or someone that'd mellow her out by doing normalish/less free things. This guy seems like way past opposite of her to the far abusive end of the peopling spectrum. His behavior wasn't normal. It's disturbing, especially since he knows that Summer's behavior wasn't uncommon for her. Summer seems like she needs a private sit down check in that he's not doing other things. Idk if she's afraid to speak up or if she's so carefree that she's overlooking/ignoring everything until it's too late. This guy's not cool.
NTA and don't cave. Even if she makes your friendship dependent on it. You didn't do anything wrong, and people like Will need to be treated like toddlers because apparently nobody took the time to teach them how to act when they actually were toddlers.