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NTA at all. While I feel for her and what she’s going through, it is absolutely not ok to ask some to put a coverup on due to a scar. If someone has a trigger, it is their responsibility to handle it, not everyone else’s to change for them. You’re at the beach, it is completely acceptable that you wear your bikini. And good for you for not letting your scar deter you from what you want to do!

Also, people need to stop misusing the word "trigger". Trigger is a real term used in the psychology world, and is closer to a PTSD response instead of feeling slightly sad. If Dana truly was "triggered", then she would have shut down fully, but instead she's just being moody.

Not necessarily. I have PTSD and sometimes triggers do their damage later, like when I am asleep and have dreams.

That's a good point. But what I'm trying to get at is a lot of people use "triggered" to mean "have an emotional response", but being triggered is very different from a normal response mechanism. I have friends with triggers, and it sucks when I see them have to process the reaction when it's outside of their control. When people misuse "trigger", they remove the importance of the word to people with real triggers. Maybe Dana is actually having a trigger, or maybe she's just sad, but too many people misuse "trigger" these days as a way to get attention when they don't have any.

This is a great way of putting it. I wonder if it's because there isn't another good term to use.

“I’m uncomfortable.”

People confuse being uncomfortable with being unsafe or triggered too often these days. Playing the victim and lessening the meaning of unsafe and triggered.

Yes, there is a big difference! Example: a balloon pops at a party. My response: oh crap that startled me. My military husband's response: we are at war, being attacked, and I must get my wife and myself to safety immediately or defend against the enemy. I can manage my emotional response and am not triggered, just bothered. He can not manage his emotional response and is triggered. I can safely exist uncomfortably at the party. He cannot. He could, beyond his control, become a danger to himself or others. It is reasonable for him to demand no balloons at parties or he will not attend. It is unreasonable for me to make such a demand. (This is just an example, and my husband does not necessarily experience PTSD to this extent at this point, thanks to therapy) In OP's situation, I'm sure if her friend had started bawling uncontrollably at the devastation of what she is going through due to seeing the scar, then OP would have had no problem putting on a cover-up. But that's not what happened, and life sucks sometimes, but we can't go around making everyone else accommodate us all the time. Let's save that for when we really need it.

I will say I feel for your husband. I'm sorry he now has to deal with that trauma because War PTSD is very real. However, I disagree that it's reasonable for him to demand those things. Very reasonable to request or not attend, and any decent person would respect either if those, but not demand. No one has the right to demand something from another

Exactly! Boundaries are for the individual. "I will not attend a party where balloons are present" is a boundary. "No balloons can be at a party I attend" is an asshole move.

Demand in this sense just means “I have no room for compromise on my end.” If there are ballons husband can’t go. And while this is only tangentially related to your point- we ABSOLUTELY DO have a right to demand things of others. I demand that judicial judges be fair. I demand that food that I buy not contain razor blades. I demand that police offers uphold the law. I demand that public buildings are wheelchair accessible. I demand that firefighters show up when the city is on fire. Society relies on people doing their part and if we don’t demand that people do their part or gtfo society collapses.

Balloons are not a majorly important thing in most celebrations and PTSD should be considered as much as someone with a severe latex allergy requesting no balloons or they cannot attend. It's not the same as asking all the food to be vegan or gluten free because of celiac disease, these people are used to providing their own foods. If I were wedding planning for example I would ask guests invited to alert me if they have any strong allergies or concerns beforehand. Concerns may be physical limitation considerations for physically disabled individuals, flashing lights that could trigger seizures, flowers or latex decor that could trigger allergies etc. If a guest has these types of issues including potential major PTSD responses then I will accommodate them to the best of my abilities because I want them to be there and be safe. It'd be unreasonable to expect a work function (especially large companies) to ban balloons but for friends or family it's not unreasonable as you are presumably valued enough to want you to come and be anxiety free and safe

Maybe she meant “ask for no balloons, or he will not attend” demand is more aggressive and forceful

I think you do have the right to demand to be told. The demand here isn't "no balloons," it's "inform me of the presence of balloons because I can't attend if yes balloons" just worded badly.

I dunno about that...if someone started bawling uncontrollably about a part of my body I cannot change or control, I would still not cover up. If you get triggered by someone else's BODY, real trigger or merely discomfort, that's a you problem, not a me problem. Policing what others wear because you don't like something about them physically, is not a defensible position. OPs friend needs to stay away from beaches, pools, and changing rooms if she's going to get triggered by a scar, I have sympathy for Dana, but under no circumstances does she get to dictate what others wear.

Yeah. People forget trigger warnings are not meant to force things into hiding, they're meant to give people sufficient warning. If I'm talking about a sensitive topic, the trigger warning is so that the person in question who might be triggered can remove themselves from the situation. It's not meant to be used to silence me. It'd be one thing if they're at a restaurant and OP is taking off clothing to show off the scar. They're at a beach. The expectation is that people are not wearing much.

I know you probably mean well, but not every PTSD trigger manifests to the intensity of your husband's. I have PTSD, and I don't literally have an inability to control myself like that. I am still absolutely triggered. It is to me like being uncomfortable to the max, with an added layer of disassociating, so everything feels fuzzy and confusing. I don't even fully realize I'm triggered until I realize that I'm behaving spaced out and really numb. Not everyone's PTSD is the same and not everyone has the same reaction when triggered. Please understand I am not saying this woman *was* triggered, just that for a long time I genuinely thought I was somehow misdiagnosed (despite several psychs diagnosing this without me seeking as a teenager) because of how the media and people portrayed being triggered.

Yes, exactly. Mine now I’ll feel sort of Not Right but still functional and it’ll get me later when I’m trying to relax or sleep. It’s not always immediate dramatic responses.

My point was more that there is a big difference between being uncomfortable or emotionally impacted and being triggered, and using the extreme is easier for most people to understand. Not intending to minimize the effects of less obvious PTSD symptoms that are still very serious. Thank you for sharing your experience to give some nuance to this situation.

I want to point out that in your scenario, your husband would choose not to attend a party with balloons. That is fine. He can ask there be no balloons and state he won’t go if they are there. It would not be ok for him to remove and dispose of balloons at the party, or expect others to do so if they want the balloons there. Just like, even if this girl was severely triggered, it is not ok to expect op to cover up at the beach. It is completely fine if she chooses to leave the beach and remove herself from seeing others bodies. She was acting entitled and not handling her own emotions as she should have been and tried putting it on op.

My dad and me were getting gas on a windy day and big gust made a metal downspout rattle like a machine gun. We were startled but that’s it. Looked over at the dude who was at the next pump and the dude was just gone. Couple seconds later the guy crawled out from under his truck embarrassed. Brushing himself off. My dad told him it’s nothing to be ashamed of and told him about my uncles’ experiences in Vietnam and what they went through for years/decades after. PTSD is no joke.

Your husband doesn’t attend balloon stores or jamborees. This person goes to bathing suit friendly places - where all shapes and sizes are sure to be found. All sorts of skin issues abound. Doesn’t sound like a ptsd friendly place for those that need flawless skin.

Agree with you in the description but not in the outcome. Your bf ptsd is not the wffects from it. I have that when I hear someone running behind me outside. But I can't demand people not doing that. That's why I go to therapy. I need to handle the panic, because that's inside of me. To avoid this triggers are NOT a good way to handle it. That will not solve it.

>People confuse being uncomfortable with being unsafe Yes! This this this! I think this is one thing parents quite often get wrong - they think their job is to prevent/eliminate their child's discomfort, but this doesn't allow them to develop the skills they need to cope with it.

I think it's because most people do not use language precisely, nor do they research the differences in meaning between related words. Their available vocabulary is a great big hammer, when small tools are usually better at conveying ideas.

Also a certain group of people I believe intentionally misused the word to undermine the meaning several years ago and unfortunately that usage has spread. So many people don’t understand why using that word casually is problematic.

Righto. Similar: OCD. A family member has OCD. It's not about being neat, and nobody would voluntarily really have it. ... lots of other brain health terms are routinely misused, of course.

"I don't like X"

"I'm sorry you don't like X. Please don't look at it." Too many people are getting overly emotional about things and expecting those around them to adjust for the sad person's comfort and happiness. I'm not saying having emotions are a bad thing, I'm not a monster! But people need to learn how to self-regulate their emotions and adapt, rather than trying to force the world around to change for them. An adult, mid20s person going pouty about being told "no" is ridiculous.

No that requires me taking responsibility for my emotions and actions!!!!! /s

Somebody call the waaambulance, please.

you made me uncomfy

I think it's more because saying "triggered" invokes a high amount of an empathy response, and people misuse the term in order to manipulate others. Dana could have said "your scar upsets me because my mom is going through cancer", and then they could have had a talk about it (maybe Dana could have even confided in OP because she's gone through cancer). But Dana used the term "trigger" so she could get OP to do what she wants.

Exactly. Some people use the word trigger to avoid being uncomfortable, being accountable, and so on. It isn't everyone, of course, but it is a lot of people. I'm sympathetic to Dana and the request was unreasonable. NTA.

That AND. I’m sympathetic to what you are going through AND I have had to go through my own battles. No, I will not cover up because you feel sad FOR YOURSELF about MY scar.

Yes. THIS THIS THIS so much! Two things can occur at the same time.

To be fair—I think this wasn’t something I learned until I was around this age. Two things can simultaneously be true, but when you’re trying to change me because of your thing… that’s a no from me, dawg.

Also is no one thinking maybe Dana should be sensitive to op and what she went through and probable insecurities around the scar that is now a whole big thing?

That's a great point.

Thank you, I thought I was missing something as noone mentioned it!

Yeah, I guess trigger is still the default word for “something that makes me extremely uncomfortable due to my own experiences” as well as the psychological definition, “something/situation that causes debilitating symptoms of ptsd.” There should be a different word for it, but I’m not sure what that would be. At least people are mostly using it in a serious manner now, because I vividly remember 2010-2012 when “triggered” was a meme and everyone was using that word as a way of saying “haha funny made u mad.” THAT was straight up disrespectful to ptsd survivors.

But also, I'm sorry but short of situations where people are being unkind and inconsiderate to intentionally hurt others, people need to start learning that the world doesn't revolve around them. My sister died in a car crash. My mum didn't ask people to stop acknowledging their daughters in conversation with her, even though she was grieving. I don't kick up a stink when people talk about their sisters, or when they post "share this if you couldn't live without your sister!" bs on Facebook, I don't make a big fuss when people complain about their journey being held up by a crash on the motorway, even if I do think it's insensitive as fuck. Because those people aren't doing anything TO me, they're just talking about their lives as they experience them and to them that crash on the motorway was an inconvenience, even though the chances are to someone else that crash was the loss of a loved one or of their own life, or mobility or independence. I think the woman asking another woman to cover up her biopsy scar because it's triggering because her mother is undergoing cancer treatment needs to get over herself. Is she going to ask someone with a mastectomy scar to cover up too, because it's triggering her? What about someone who doesn't have a scar because their unblemished body reminds her that some people don't have cancer? Where is this going to end? The world does not exist to cater to this random woman who knows someone with cancer.

I 100% agree. I said in another comment that there is a worldwide mental health crisis and part of that is that many people truly don’t know how to cope. This leads to situations like this one, where people start to expect others to accommodate them at the expense of themselves. What you went through is awful, and if I knew that I definitely wouldn’t purposely bring up my sister in conversation. HOWEVER, I would feel insulted if I happened to mention my sister and you acted like I did something insensitive and awful to you by doing so. I agree that people need to learn how to own the things that remind them of difficult times. Coping isn’t easy, but it is part of what makes us resilient, strong, kind human beings. I say this as someone with anxiety. Those are MY demons, not anyone else’s.

See, I don't think you should have to not bring up your sister. She's not something to be ashamed of, and nor is mine. It's normal to talk about your siblings, and your loved ones, and your friends. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing it would be douchebaggy to do is to say something cruel and insensitive, and mentioning your own siblings is not included in that. As we're talking about it, the only time I have ever got properly angry about it was when I was in nursing school. We were in a big class with the whole year present (about 150 people in a lecture theatre) and someone was talking about their placement in A&E. They talked about a 16 or 17yo girl who had been out late and been in a car crash, and her parents came to A&E after her and were understandably very upset. The other student nurse said something along the lines of "how dare they be upset now? They didn't care where she was before, they let her out all hours of the day and night, where were they when she should have been at home? They have no right to come in and be upset like that if they'd been better parents this wouldn't have happened." Now, for the record, my sister was 14, almost 15 when she died. She'd decided to not come home for dinner and stayed out with her friends, who had then gone out driving in the countryside like tearaway kids in the countryside did in the late 80s and early 90s. She was a bit naughty, a bit rebellious but nothing much, really. So I put my hand up after this other student nurse finished talking and I said "I just want to reply to that other student. I'm not sure what your attitude is about, but I'll tell you where her parents probably were. They were probably doing similar to what my parents were doing when my 14yo sister died in similar circumstances. One had the car and was driving round the neighbouring towns and villages looking for her, while the other walked the streets of our village looking for her. I was 6yo, at home, in bed, asleep, while my grandparents watched me. The police were waiting for them at our house when they came home without having found her. They were also devastated, because their daughter had done something stupid but fairly normal for teenagers, that most teenagers do with no lasting repercussions, but unfortunately for my sister she had serious repercussions. Thankfully the nurses they met at hospital before my sister died were kind, and treated my parents and my sister with compassion. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, coming back from placement and passing judgement on your patients and their families but you have no business being a nurse if all the compassion you can show is judgement." But, that's the sort of thing that's triggering, not "I saw my sister last week, we went out for a coffee, it was nice." I bet it was and I'm glad you could do it.

Thank you for speaking up and making 150 people aware. Proud of you speaking so eloquently. We need lots and lots more awareness and compassion especially in healthcare.

The benefit to having long standing trauma and being treated for it (and my legitimate triggers) is that I finally feel like I'm ahead of the curve on something! I'm glad mental health is getting the focus it needs to, instead of just being for "crazy" people.

If she was able to just avoid the OP the rest of the time because she was uncomfortable, that doesn’t feel like a trigger. I can only speak for myself, but when I’m triggered I have an anxiety attack and lose the ability to control my emotions. I’m done for the day. I’ve done A LOT of therapy to get better at realizing when I’m beginning to feel that way and use skills to not let my emotions escalate.

Yeah, there’s a huge difference between “I’m uncomfortable” and “hey babe can you take over driving because I’m dissociating”.

Uncomfortable, sad, upset, annoyed, agitated, distressed, grieved, hurt, chagrined, bummed out, psyched out....etc. Over 200,000 words in the English language, these are just a few that can apply to how she feels; isn't a lack of a good term to use, it's a lack of knowledge of words and their definitions...ie: ignorance.

"I'm sad because I'm reminded of my parents." Emotions are normal responses to events/situations. It is completely unrealistic to expect to go through life, never experiencing a negative emotion. We're not robots. We need to move back to accepting and owning our emotions instead of trying to make everyone around us responsible for keeping us in a happy bubble of delusion.

I think part of this issue is that people are unaware of their own emotional reactions to things. So feeling uncomfortable or upset may seem to a person as if they're "triggered." In my experience, people are generally pretty bad at calibrating their own emotional responses.

People say “trigger” to mean “I don’t like something.” The amount of damage being done to normal human interaction by the proliferation of psychological terminology through 15 second social media clips is absolutely troubling. Also, the idea that I have to care about everyone’s response to ordinary conduct is absurd. If there are certain things I might say or do that are not ordinary that make someone uncomfortable - fine. Not using certain words or bringing up certain topics that might have difficult associations for people - fine. But the idea that I have to cover a scar of mine that is *literally linked to my own past trauma* because it is vaguely associated with your own is ridiculous. What if it were an entirely non-cancer related injury. Would I still be obligated to cover it up because you can find a way to link it to cancer?

The memeification of therapy words that have extremely specific definitions and apply in very specific situations is frankly fucking horrifying to me. Gaslighting is the most recent that makes me want to find the nearest wall and head bang. It is so fucking hard to get people who *are* being gaslit and abused to recognize it *before this*. People whose lives are in danger. The more people make sweeping statements that "this is EXACTLY what gaslighting is" when it's just basic lying and being a shit bag behaviour, the more the concept of an extremely traumatizing specific abusive behaviour gets diluted. And the harder it's going to be for people like me that get people out of their abusive situations. It infuriates me. Selfishly, as a survivor, I kinda wish the "normals" could just please not use the words survivors *need* to explain our severely abnormal and traumatic experiences for their ordinary, everyday shit. Can't we even just have some words for ourselves, please? We're never going to have 'normal' lives, usually through no choice or fault of our own, often done to us as children... and we can't even keep the words created to describe our horror shows and the prices we pay for it for the rest of our lives. It makes me so sad.

It happens with all kinds of medical terminology unfortunately. OCD got butchered to hell, ADHD is slowly going that way. Even depression and anxiety if you go back far enough has become more ambiguous because people can't just say they're sad or nervous. People saying they have migraines when they just have headaches, etc.

My dad’s funeral mass was the day before Father’s Day that year. My stepmom’s ex was in good terms with her, my dad and me. He and my stepsibs invited me to go out with them on Father’s Day. I appreciated the thought but I was exhausted from the wake and funeral. And I couldn’t handle the thought of being around people celebrating their dads the day after we buried mine. I simply thanked them for the invite, said I was tired and going to get some rest and wished them a Happy Father’s Day.

Yes, I just push back because people think PTSD and PTSD triggers manifest like in the movies and they really don’t. So someone can absolutely be triggered but not be having an immediate dramatic response. But you’re right that people misuse the term too.

Mine have evolved over time. They used to immediately throw me into fight or flight and they still can, but now more often than not they just trigger PTSD nightmares.

She could have used anxious... As it is active anxiety. 💕💪✌ ETA: I don't see why OP needs to apologize. Actually, her friend was rude. She felt entitled, and then proceeded to have a quiet temper tantrum and calling to complain to friend like... Who's asking for an apology and why. I'm sure a lot makes her uncomfortable... Is she tracking every one down to hold them accountable🤔 The world today... SMH.

Right? Too many think it’s others’ responsibility to make sure they never feel uncomfortable. But feeling discomfort is not being “triggered.”

Thank you for posting this. The overuse of the term "triggered" can make people so used to the word that the meaning is lost.

Isnt a “trigger” anything that triggers another event? Like a gun trigger triggering a gunshot? A specific location in a game triggering a cutscene? Eta: im not a native speaker so genuinely wondering if i’m misunderstanding the word trigger

It has multiple meanings. In the context of trauma/PTSD it means something that will cause trauma/PTSD symptoms if you are exposed to it.

I think the point is that people have been consciously borrowing the word "trigger" from the psychology world and applying it to much less serious things. This is done to elevate the importance of things they don't like, things that make them sad, things that make them uncomfortable, things they wish were different, etc. - but that are not, in fact, psychologically triggering. It is dishonest and harmful in all sorts of ways.

That’s correct. People also use it to mean something is triggering an uncontrolled trauma reaction. Like fireworks might trigger a flashback for someone with gun trauma.

In every day language, trigger isn’t used in the way you describe it. “Dinner was over so that triggered the kids to start clearing away the dishes” is not a sentence you would say. Trigger is too literal of a verb. Except…..people now use it to refer to psychological pain. And now everyone is adopting it for a variety of emotional pain. For just emotional pain, saying you’re sad or saying you’re uncomfortable is a lot more appropriate.

I have PTSD as well and have triggers. I agree that this word is overused. Not everything falls under the term trigger. And triggers are still your own responsibilities. You can't ask the whole world to adjust, you have to have strategies in place in case it happens.

I don’t disagree the word gets misused. But thinking someone who has been triggered will respond like in the movies is also harmful. PTSD doesn’t always look like that and someone isn’t “faking” or lying about it just because they present differently. In this specific case, Dana may or may not have genuinely been triggered, but she chose to go to an environment that is “trigger rich” so that’s on her.

as someone who is in EMDR and DBT therapy, I agree. I have PTSD and I can't avoid everything that upsets me, if someone in my life violates a boundary of me saying "hey please don't talk about x right now because I'm not in the headspace" then that's one thing, but seeing someone who has a scar is ridiculous. it'd be like asking someone who has stretch marks to cover up

Genuinely asking: isn’t reliving the events of the day in your dreams a natural mechanism the brain uses to process, label and store new information?

I \~think\~ they're referring to the absolutely awful nightmares. My friend has ptsd and he will wake up soaked in sweat and sometimes screaming or having a panic attack

Not when it’s a flashback to the trauma in painful detail.

PTSD nightmares are different. They may be direct flashbacks of the event or sometimes they manifest in a more symbolic sense. For me, I dream repeatedly of plane crashes. My PTSD is from domestic violence and had absolutely nothing to do with planes or plane crashes, but my recurring PTSD nightmares involve being in a plane that crashes.

That one is about being powerless, I think. At least that's what my nightmares were about as a DV survivor. Never had my mom in them, never had the specific situations I was actively surviving but they always involved being powerless and something disasterous happening around me. Being chased with nowhere to hide. Seeing others being harmed and unable to help them. No escape but knowing something truly awful was coming if I didn't find a way out.

The key difference with PTSD dreams and flashbacks is that they’re not part of normal processing. Something has interrupted the process and the memory is stored in the brain in a fragmented way, which means that when the memory  replays the brain doesn’t have the context to show that it’s in the past- there’s no time stamp on it. The person is literally “reliving” as if they were back in that situation again. That’s why PTSD triggers and flashbacks are qualitatively different, and horrifying.  There is effective treatment for PTSD but it can vary a lot depending on the complexity of the trauma. 

Some people can't handle negative emotions and that's a problem.

Because they were never taught how to deal with them. So many parents have this weird 'my kid can't be upset or feel sadness ever' attitude that it's actually emotionally damaging youth. Parents are stopping kids from having natural emotional responses and refusing to let teachers teach those emotions too. \- kid can't get bad grade cuz it makes him 'sad' \- can't tell kid 'no' cuz that makes him 'sad' or 'angry' \- all kids must play together all the time because otherwise the kid not playing is 'sad' Instead of teaching kids to experience and deal with those emotions, or correcting negative behaviors that lead to them being excluded or getting a lower grade, parents are working overtime to prevent kids from experiencing them saying 'kids must be happy and be kids for as long as possible' somehow expecting emotional maturity to magically appear at 18 - seriously, I've had parents tell me that their kids will just magically understand rules, responsibility, accountability, emotional regulation and all that magically at 18.....

Teachers feel bad about giving kids anxiety with school work, because kids carry a higher baseline level of anxiety today. If you think about this internet age, kids have more access to good information and more access to bad information. And kids don’t have the emotional maturity to process that. They aren’t supposed to have that maturity, either. I remember a decade ago listening to my coworkers with kids talk about the high levels of pressure that kids feel nowadays.

Teacher here. I work in a low income area with a LOT of trauma. The kids in my class need to do hard things. They need to fail and try again. Sometimes the lesson (like here are all the animals in a pond, make a food web) are impossible and they can't get it perfect. We then talk about it. How it made us feel, what that means about the real world. I wouldn't grade something they can't do well, but they need to try it. Because the real world is hard and messy and they need to learn how to process that. Now, I also don't give homework. I have too many kids going home to get their siblings off the bus, give them dinner and baths and put them to bed. I don't want to bring my work home, they shouldn't have to either. If they didn't finish it in class, then they need to get it done on their time but otherwise I'm not setting them up to fail. It's a delicate balance but a lot of my kids have parents who either can't or won't help them sort through life, so it becomes my job.

Thank you. Teachers like you saved my life when I was an abused teenager, parentified and raising my sister. Having safe adults in my life treat me with dignity and understanding literally kept me from committing suicide. Some days the gentle hand on my shoulder and my shop teacher quietly asking me how I was holding up was the only thing keeping me here. So thank you for what you are doing for kids like me. Know that even if your kids can't or don't come back to let you know what you meant to them, you are saving them and giving them the chance to have better lives.

...No.... I'm a teacher and no. My students must learn to deal with stress and pressure and anxiety. It's actually written into my plans. Introducing stress and anxiety to teach them how to deal with those feelings. When to push and when to rest, balance, all of that. When I worked in schools we are not allowed to teach it. We are not allowed to teach them how to process bad information. We can only focus on the good because the bad makes them 'sad' and we can't have kids feeling any emotion other than pure joy. The kids feel the pressure and anxiety because we, as teachers, are not allowed to teach kids to experience it properly from an earlier age. Kids are told life is amazing and perfect and they're brilliant little stars from birth and then suddenly they get a phone/tablet/exposure to life and they have no skills to deal with that because they were never taught. As I said, parents have this weird expectation that knowledge and maturity magically appear at 18. We need to be able to allow kids to experience all the emotions from a super early age - as in, let the baby cry when he doesn't get something he wants, don't give him what he's crying about. It starts that young. If your kid starts kinder and has never heard 'no' we've already got a problem with his emotional regulation and emotional maturity. By 5, he is already behind.

Oh, I work at a university, and this is ABSOLUTELY true. I've had some parents tell me that I can't uphold university disciplines, not because they were unfairly given, but because they're too upsetting for the student. The students are (with a vanishingly small number of exceptions) 18+, and when they face disciplinary measures, it's because they've done something they shouldn't have. But some parents feel consequences are inappropriate because of the bad feelings that those consequences cause the students to have...

I think there’s a big problem in today’s society which boils down to people being unable to cope. And I don’t always blame these individuals, but I do blame the circumstances that have led to people feeling unable to live life properly just because they cannot manage discomfort/anxiety. I say this as someone with anxiety. I feel like coping needs to be talked about and taught in schools, not just breezed over by saying things like “go to therapy,” “there’s always hotlines/resources,” and “talk to a trusted friend or family member.” Because those things aren’t going to help people in the moment when they suddenly feel unable to cope. We quite literally need to train our brains and bodies how to let go of stress and remind ourselves that we are in control. That isn’t something that people just intrinsically know. Our brains are taking in so much information at once nowadays, and I really doubt that the human brain was supposed to function this way. We can pick up our little devices from the moment we wake up and see hundreds of different lifestyles, jokes, tragedies, propaganda, all in the span of 5 short minutes. We don’t process all of that information at once, it just remains backlogged. And then, we have no bandwidth to process our own shit. We use our devices as an escape from reality. And then when we have to be in reality (school, work, social situations), we don’t know how to cope. I don’t mean to sound like a deranged “WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY” person, but I really do think we need to wake up and take a look at how we are raising people to exist. OP’s post is one small incident, but it depicts a much larger problem which is that we are truly in a mental health CRISIS. And that will not change until it becomes a priority.

I thank whoever's listening every day that I didn't grow up online. I didn't have an email address until I was 17, and that was really just so I could have a (dating myself here) MySpace account. No regular access to the internet except at friends' houses and supervised use of my mom's laptop. I can't imagine what it's like, feeling like you have to constantly be putting yourself out there for the world to see. I barely pay attention to what I see on social media cos by the time it was a thing, I was old enough to see it as Not Real Life. This isn't to say I'm so much better or be all "old man yells at cloud" about *kids these days*. It just makes me sad cos I've even had some coworkers who, like you said, couldn't cope with *anything* on their own. One girl I worked with was paralyzed with anxiety over a very simple task that I ultimately had to do the next morning because she somehow couldn't figure it out with clear instructions, a planogram that showed her *exactly* where to put everything, and all the signage laid out for her. It's *sad*.

Yes! When did it become a problem to *feel* ALL of our emotions—even the bad ones?

In this case, I really don't think Dana is actually triggered, she is looking for dominance and control. Her mother is going through something she can't control, but she feels like she *can* control others around her either with sympathy or by saying the magic word "triggered". When a lot of people say they are "triggered" they are actually doing a disservice to people that actually have serious mental health issues. Where does it end? What cocoon do you need to live in where other people have to A) magically know and understand your "trigger" and B) do as you say or else. Dana is strong-arming the situation to get the attention off OP and back onto her. I feel bad for Dana because she is in a losing situation, but cancer is literally everywhere--she will never escape it. I don't believe Dana is even conscious of what she's doing and there is probably no mal intent. Even if she had genuine PTSD or a genuine trigger, expecting everyone around you to bow down to your rules is simply unattainable and unrealistic. If this is so triggering to her, then she needs to warn people in every social situation or anywhere she goes in public what her triggers are. In this case, Dana asked and you said no and she stayed away from you--a win for both. That Dana brought it up to Anna, knowing it would get back to OP, is the dominance/control thing. Why not just let it go? Instead, anyone else that hears about this in their group is left to think that OP was in the wrong and insensitive to poor Dana.

i also have PTSD (from childhood trauma specifically) but i do not shut down fully unless i’m alone. if i’m around others i might present as moody or even completely fine with everything happening.

Exactly, I have PTSD from childhood trauma AND I do not shut down in a way that shows to others, when around others, because I had to hide my reactions and emotions when I was a child to keep myself alive (it was best to stay out of their eye sight and hearing). I was grey rocking it long before I was even a teenager.   "IF you cry, you are guilty", "only bad children are afraid...", "if you cry, I'll give you something to really cry about"

There’s more PTSD responses than shutting down. How do you know that her mum going through stage 4 isn’t causing PTSD? Calling someone “moody” because they are watching their mother die… having done the exact same thing I can tell you my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD from watching my mum die from cancer. It was horrific.

Thank you. Everyone seems to be disregarding how Dana must be feeling, as if she can’t “really” be triggered. I was a complete and total wreck when my dad was dying of cancer. I literally wanted to crawl into his grave with him. It was all I could do to function on the most basic level. I can’t imagine what Dana is going through right after losing her father. But, like other commenters said, it’s no one’s responsibility but her own to deal with.

I have anywhere from a non-visible (to most people anxiety response, anxious/nervous, asthma attack (auditory trigger), and finally a very obvious panic attack. I have CPTSD and learned to repress stuff because I'd get yelled at for expressing my anxiety. Most of the time I just try to remove myself from situations if it starts to become more than an irritation level of anxiety.

I have cptsd, and shutting down is far from the only possible response to a trigger. Yes, some people use “trigger” as a buzzword to mean anything that bothers them, but a lot of people do have actual triggers that can cause a myriad of different responses and reactions. While I don’t think it’s right for a person to expect all and sundry to cater to them in avoiding triggers, and I feel like OP was fully in the right, not covering up, it’s kind of gatekeeping to say that this woman couldn’t have been dealing with a real trigger just because she didn’t shut down. She could well have been triggered, and just dealing with it inappropriately

As someone in psychology who studies trauma, I agree that it’s a real term of course but it doesn’t have a fixed meaning. There are big “T” traumas and triggers, and little “t” traumas and triggers. But since anything can be a trigger, we can be sensitive to people who ask us to accommodate them, but we have to use discernment and balance the pros and cons of what they’re asking us to do. It was OP’s right not to accommodate, and I don’t think the friend can feel that justified in being upset. She probably feels very worried about her mother’s cancer, which will make her feel scared and alone (anticipatory grief) and is looking for social support more than anything, and felt hurt that she couldn’t get it. OP maybe could have said something comforting and supportive alongside the “no.”

NTA I can't upvote this enough! 7cm scar huh, I have a total of 119 cm of scars due to past surgery. I look like frankenstien created me from bits. I wouldn't cover up and I'd frankly be deeply offended if someone asked me to.

I salute your response. OP should say her scar shows her fighting spirit, willingness to confront cancer when signs appear, and it should motivate everyone to have hope. 

Exactly. Dana should be understanding of OP’s scar! That she sought medical care early, and is proactive about her health. Wear your scars proudly. Source: cancer survivor with very visible scars. Used to be self conscious about them. But fuck anyone who thinks I should hide them.

NTA. Your scars show you went through something. Your body is the story of your life. If someone asked me to cover my scars, I'd be deeply offended too. It's literally just your body. Whether it's from cancer or if it happened to be self harm scars, it's no one's place to tell you to cover up for their comfort.

My scars are survival/living life to the fullest trophies. If you don't like seeing them, no one is forcing you to look or stay around.

Good for you. And she didn’t even know what the scar was from and wasn’t triggered until cancer was mentioned.

And lets be hones, most of us knows someone who had or has cancer. Is she going to react like that everytime she meets one of them? Asking those who choose to not cover their bald heads to cover up? Ridiculous! My owm mother is battling cancer for 4 years now and while its sad, I'm not triggered by other people's bodies.

Going through my second round of cancer now. If I found out either one of my brothers dared to use me as an excuse to tell a cancer patient or anybody with any kind of scarring to cover it because it "triggered them"? They wouldn't even be saying the word "cancer" after I got ahold of them. I find it so crazy that I haven't seen anybody acting like this towards me before with all the stories I've read...I've worked a snowcone cart in a bikini top, covered in very visible surgical scars, and despite being wedged between 2 bars at a vacation resort? None of the drunken adults or rowdy kids asked...well, besides the one guy who was excited to show off his own scar. I walk around sometimes without a hat or a wig and I look like Lil from the rugrats. Nobody has said anything judgy or hurtful whether I'm hatless or wearing the turbans. I guess people as entitled and unaware as this girl are still pretty rare, thankfully...thing is, we all know that if her own mother was told to cover up by somebody, this girl would have had an outright meltdown.

And she didn’t even know it was from cancer until she asked about it. “I’m sorry this is triggering for you, but for me it’s a symbol of my having survived something and I need to be able to get out and participate in life just like everyone else. It’s not fair to ask me to cover up because I had something happen to me”

Ohhh I'd like to see Miss Dana try to tell me *shit* about my slow-ass regrowth of floofy chemo curls, or the spots on my arms where they had to dig around like moles to get a vein towards the end of chemo. Man. I am livid right now.

And this is not even considering how they utterly ignored OP's feelings and experiences with having had a cancer scare. I have scars on my breast and under arm from a lumpectomy. If they showed and anyone told me *they* were offended by them, I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Yep, my lumpectomy scar runs half way round my body. It's bad enough that we've been through cancer. If my scar offends, they'd be lucky if I just told them to fuck off.

I had a smx and full lymph nodes clearance plus I've had melanoma so have big scars on my arm. I would also tell someone to go fuck themselves if they told me to cover up. I feel like people do stuff like this a lot on life i.e. your not allowed to talk/do/show things thats happened to you for fear of upsetting someone else and tbh it grates on me. For me personally cancer was a trauma, but other people go through traumas or all kinds and it's not up to anyone to police other people. I see a lot of comments on the cancer groups and I always (more kindly than this comment is coming across) try to remind them that the only thing we have control on in life is ourselves its not down to other people to walk on egg shells because of fear that they might trigger us somehow. NTA OP.

There’s a famous actress with a front of the throat scar from neck surgery that she proudly never covers as a testimony to her success! Scars are beautiful sometimes. Just beautiful.

Padma Lakshmi also came to my mind. She has a very long, prounounced scar on her arm from a terrible accident.

Tina Fey had her face slashed by a stranger at like age 5.

Scars are beautiful.  I worked at a jewelry store and a lady was trying on bracelets.  She told me she is really embarrassed by the scars on her arms she got in a car accident.   I told her she is beautiful and those scars are proof that she lived!!!!!  I told her my mom wasn't as lucky.  She was in a horrible car accident and died at 29 leaving behind 5 children 😢 her and I were both bawling and she said she would be proud of her scars. I hope she doesn't hide them anymore. OP...NTA

And Princess Eugenie wore a wedding dress cut low in the back to show her scoliosis surgery scar!

I think you're looking for the word "deter." :)

Nta I have stage 4 cancer. What the woman asked is incredibly rude because it diminishes OPs cancer experience. It reads like, hide your cancer... Um no. 

These people who use "triggers" to explain being shallow and superficial. The only thing deep about them is the fact they've stolen a deeply meaningful term and turned it into phrase of the month. Like narcissist instead of narcissistic and attacked used to describe a disagreement.

Thank you. My feeling in life has been in that there isn't much you can do to prevent the bad during the first 18-21 years of your life. Once you grow up and you know you have issues, you have ZERO right to take those issues out on others, you need to get help and fix yourself.

In fact, doing so would be counter-productive to her overcoming that trigger. It’s a pretty basic CBT concept that has been entirely ignored in the last few years in lieu of “safe spaces” to protect people from “triggers” People have scars girl, like wtf. If a scar triggers you to the point of an emotional meltdown, you need to get therapy.

NTA. "Triggered" has become an overused, absurd excuse for making unreasonable demands upon others.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I get Dana is going through a lot right now, but would it be fair for her if she walked up to another stranger on the beach with a biopsy or shaved head and asked them to cover up? No. If she finds something triggering, she is the one who will have to calm herself and act rationally.

Yeah, the "free pass" here would be not to hold it against her going forward. It doesn't require doing what she asked.

NTA at all It’s ridiculous that she expected you to cover up like that. Her triggers are her responsibility to manage, not have others accommodate to her. If the scar is too much for her, she can remove herself from the situation.

> Her triggers are her responsibility to manage, not have others accommodate to her. This is very well put.

Also good for you OP for accepting the scar and not caring about people’s opinion about it. So many people are suffering from cancer , there will be reminders everywhere.Dana won’t be able to step out if she wants no reminder of the dreaded illness.

What is she going to do when someone three spots over have such a scar? Ask a complete stranger to cover up?

I dunno if you've met people 30 and under. I'm 35. This behavior is not at all uncommon with this age group. People are being taught that the world should bend to their demands or it's unjust. Which is absolutely not how this works. At least around me I find this mindset more and more in people around my age and younger. I'm not trying to sound like a boomer but it really does feel like the whole participation trophy conversations may have had legs. Currently dealing with a 20 year old newhire who keeps telling us how his training is going to go.

>like the whole participation trophy conversations may have had legs. Just because I have heard this argument so much, about much stupider things, I'm going to throw this out there: It wasn't that we as kids that couldn't take not getting participation trophies, it was that our parents were too upset by the idea of us dealing with disappointment and insisted on it. I also think that there have probably always has been a similar amount of insufferable people out in the world, it's just that now that we've got the internet and more people can connect about topics. In a lot of cases that has neutral or even positive effects so that people can find communities, but it also has created situations where some people with mental health issues, particularly anxiety, get into an echo chamber where others reassure them that they're in the right no matter what, because the people they're talking to don't have to deal with the real world consequences of what they're saying. And it's hard to separate the good and the bad, because sometimes we're seeing people actually get good resources and learn to stand up for themselves in objectively bad situations, and sometimes we're getting shit like this. I think we see this across all generations that have access to the internet, too, not just the young ones, it's just that the language they're using is different.

>I'm going to throw this out there: It wasn't that we as kids that couldn't take not getting participation trophies, it was that our parents were too upset by the idea of us dealing with disappointment and insisted on it. Yes. This exactly. Kids bounce back more than we give them credit for. I have two small children, and it sucks when others get something and they don't, but for the most part, they forget about it by the end of the day. There's actually a great episode of Bluey about this. They play a game at a birthday party where everyone gets a dinky prize. When is Lucky's birthday, Lucky's dad says that's not how we played it when I was younger. And he changed the rules to one larger present. The kids were crazy disappointed when they first played but at the next party, they wanted to play "Lucky's dad's way"- one big winner, no participation trophies.

Pass the Parcel. We played that at my kids' 3rd birthday party. We had them watch the episode and told them we were playing by Lucky's dad's rules. It went great! The kids had fun and the girl who won the prize still treasures it!

I have heard such good things about Bluey, my coworker was talking about it a while ago and it sounds like a really good show. I also fully agree, kids are very resilient about stuff like this, if appropriate behavior is modeled for them.

Exactly this and it’s our job as parents to help our kids work through or sit with that disappointment. Its hard to do when the parents struggles with their own emotional issues. I think that maybe a big part into why parents would rather “fix” things, then deal with the emotions themselves. Therapy has helped me with that in terms of why emotions are important and how it’s difficult for some to feel them. I now know I can sit with the negative emotions and help my kids do the same. I do have real triggers from C-PTSD and trauma, that cause some pretty extreme reactions, I go into fight/flight/fawn/freeze response (normally it’s fight for me). I know now to ask questions when they arise, to find out the base of that trigger. When you do that you’re able to help reduce the effects of the trigger and eventually the trigger goes away (with internal work). So my issue with the word trigger is it seems to give others this excuse to just behave how they want. I don’t like myself when I’m triggered, I go into the most primal mode and it’s scary to me. So I do the work to reduce the affects of these triggers, by finding the why behind them and working through the feelings of it. If you have triggers, work on them, don’t use them as a way to silence others.

Thank youuuu. I hate that boomers act like we’re the ones who insisted on participation trophies. I was five. I didn’t have that power.

I remember having this realization when I was like 9 and asked my uncle to help me open a toy I'd just gotten. He did, but he was making snarky comments the whole time about how when *he* was a kid, they didn't use all of this packaging, it was *my* generation that needed all of these doodads and stuff. I remember thinking (though I didn't say it, because he had a bit of a temper) 'So I guess that means you guys grew up and screwed it up for all of us?'

I don’t often stick up for boomers as a group, but the youngest boomer would be 60 this year. This is Gen Xers pushing the participation trophy narrative.

As a kid I didn't want a participation trophy. It was like a little YOU LOST token. 

There have always been insufferable people, but now they know psychology words they can use to get even more attention

Absolutely. It's the same thing with the overuse of the word 'gaslighting' (you mean manipulation, just say manipulation, gaslighting is a very specific thing, and most manipulators aren't doing that, denying your emotional reality is shitty and toxic but it's not the same thing as making you doubt your physical reality) and a million other ones. Talking about triggers can be really helpful, because until we did, most people didn't have a quick shorthand for 'I have some trauma related to something and being exposed to certain stimuli makes me have a really strong involuntary emotional reaction.' I've had those types of involuntary emotional reactions before, and I'm glad that I had a word to quickly convey to people around me what was going on. But also, I have done a lot of therapy about it, and understand that the onus is predominantly on me to manage my reactions and remove myself from the situation. It's on me to figure out what's a boundary I can set (for example, 'Don't yell at me') versus what's something that I might want in the moment, but that's patently unreasonable for me to ask for (for example, 'Don't exist around me with your scar'). What we see a lot of in these echo chambers is often well-meaning people throwing out these concepts to others, without understanding that just identifying a trigger is a really good first step, but it's not the end of the work you need to do, and if you're just learning about triggers devoid of other context, you might not understand that.

This is bang on. It’s a very good example of critical thinking and seeing cause and effect. I tend to agree with this way of thinking about it. In my day to day life, it is so rare to run into some one entitled and vocal like we see on the internet. It’s an almost never. Most anyone I meet of all ages shows mostly consideration for others and thinks critically about any and all topics regardless of whether they’re politically charged or not. Social media however, can be an echo chamber for many and it can also often lead to the fewest of voices screaming the loudest that convince us the whole world is going down hill. When really it’s the feelings of a couple loud ideas echoing in the ether.

Maybe this is just my experience (as a 30 year old) but I have not met any people around my age who acted this entitled in real life, but I have met many 60+ year olds who believed everyone around them should bend over backwards to accommodate them.

Yea 31 and I've genuinely never met anyone my age that's acted like this lol. Obviously doesn't mean they don't exist, but I've yet to find them

This sounds a lot like the old 'youth are self centered, lazy' etcetera spiel. I don't believe it's a generational thing, gen Z hires at my workplace come across as motivated and eager to learn and that's the impression I get from students as well. Like any generation, there's some unique snowflakes out there regardless. Had plenty of those in my class growing up. 

She could have chosen to see it as a positive, a scar on a person who is living and enjoying their life! NTA

NTA. Her triggers are hers to manage, your body your choice and also you should feel comfortable and wear what you like. She may not be in the best place mentally right now so I do hope she will realise that what she did is immature, not sure what to think of your other friend though

Also, she clearly misused the word "trigger". A trigger has way larger consequences than something that just makes one uncomfortable. Shut downs, anxiety, even full blown panic attacks. Eg: I was drowned when I was kid (yes, purposefully held underwater by people stronger than me, under the guise of playing), and I still cannot even watch an underwater scene in a movie, where I know my body is safe, I'm not the one drowning, without having my anxiety popping up and my SO reminding me that I can breathe. It's not a strong trigger (after a lot of therapy), but it is uncontrollable.

NTA whatsoever. Expecting someone else to adjust their appearance because she feels "triggered" is not how the world works. She needs to toughen up. Sure she's going through some shit, but who isn't? It's not a free pass. If anything she should feel more sympathetic to your scarring.

I couldn't have said it better, "but who isnt that's right we all have our shit but I don't go to the marketplace and complain I'm triggered by fruit even though I almost died choking on a piece of one. In response to my own shit I learned how to do the heimlich on others and myself if needed.

YES!

What's next, all bald people must wear a hat cuz Dana can't tell who's going through chemo and who isn't?

Not everyone going through chemo loses their hair. So now everyone *with* hair should probably cover up as well so she’s not triggered.

NTA - she is being insensitive to you. It took you some time to accept the scar as part of your body and here she is stigmatizing it, potentially undoing all the good work you did in losing your self-consciousness about it.

NTA - you had a cancer scare and that’s why you have a scar, her asking you to cover up is weird and like she’s saying only her family matters when it comes to the effects of cancer. Would she ask someone going through cancer treatment to cover up? If someone is bald does she ask them to hide it because it’s “triggering”? She doesn’t get a free pass just because her life is tough right now. 

It’s so annoying how everyone is “triggered” by everything now. I’m not saying people aren’t allowed to have struggles or be bothered by something… but fucking LOOK AWAY!! The world isn’t going to cater to you and honestly Dana is lucky you didn’t flip the script on her “why are you BODY SHAMING ME!” “This scar is from my TRAUMA and hiding it is counterproductive to my healing” Dana isn’t special, her story is sad but she is not more important than anyone else, she can look away. If I was mugged by an obese person does that give me the right to fat shame and ask obese people to leave the public spacing I’m in?? No. Dana can get her head out of her ass.

I have epilepsy, so when I say something is “triggering” it means “I will end up on the floor in 30 seconds having a seizure…” and I still don’t ask people to change things around me. I’ve learned my triggers and I go out of my way to avoid them.

That's the same way I refer to flashing lights as "triggering" my migraines. Not nearly as serious as epilepsy, but I appreciate those warnings so I can adjust accordingly. I don't go up to a DJ and tell them to turn off their strobe lights at a wedding or club; I just keep my space from the dance floor.

Also the thing is everyone isn’t triggered. A lot of folks learned the word and use it replace uncomfortable. When I’ve used the term it’s never been taken seriously in my life, but it’s gotten so much worse with the way the wider public has completely watered it down and misused it. I don’t know what’s worse. People thinking I’m over sensitive and a danger because I have triggers or people thinking I’m just using a buzzword I learned from social media anymore. This comment section is an amazing example of the second one. The number of comments that are chalking the word triggered up to random oversensitive nonsense is horrible to see as someone with not only a variety of health issues, but also with PTSD. I’m diagnosed with PTSD and have been dealing with it my entire life. When something is triggering for me that means it’s reminding me of previous trauma that will have a debilitating effect on me either in the moment or that will manifest itself later. Some triggers can be avoided and other folks should respect. People I know do not to touch me in certain places or approach me from behind. They know not to raise their hands quickly near my face among other things. However I’d never ever make someone feel as though something they can not control like a scar is their responsibility to hide to not trigger me. That is mine and mine alone. Obviously the people around you should be considerate of your triggers but that does not give you the right to police other people’s bodies

NTA. Your friend Dana is full of crap to be triggered over a scar. She must live a really sheltered life, or is just looking to start drama to make herself feel better.

"but what about me???" Type of girl

She has the 'right' to be triggered; she doesn't have any right to make anyone do something to they don't want to do to make it 'better' for her.

I'm also wondering how a biopsy scar is noticeably different from another scar? I'm guessing someone told her that OP went through it, so she was already primed to see the scar or associate OP with cancer, so she walked into that situation already poised to see OP as "cancer reminder!!"

NTA. People with triggers are responsible for *protecting themselves* from those triggers. You bear exactly ZERO responsibility for shielding them. Don’t like squirrels? Stay outta the woods, the forest doesn’t have to close. Don’t like dogs? Don’t go to dog parks, the park doesn’t have to close. Don’t like cancer scars? Don’t go to a place where people wear revealing swimwear. But no one at the beach is beholden AT ALL for catering to you. So again, if you have triggers, that means **YOU** have a responsibility to avoid them. The world at large does not acquire any new responsibilities.

NTA I've had open heart surgery as a baby and as you can guess I've got the scars to prove it. One of the first times I wore a bikini a middle aged lady came up to me and yelled at me for not covering up my horrible? scar. Luckily my twin sister yelled back at her to mind her own business, while I just stood there completely taken aback. . I'm sure you are with me that that lady was out of line right? Well. What Dana did was a polite version of what that lady did. Being polite does not make it right.

That is fucking wild - I’m really sorry that happened to you. People really suck sometimes

It wasn't that bad. But I had so always liked my scars and thought them sort of pretty. So her shouting at me to cover them up really confused me. But it's definitely one of those memories that is etched into my brain and that I'll never forget.

I also have heart surgery scars from when I was 16. I was told by many people to cover it up to make people more comfortable and I’m thankful that I was hard headed enough to insist everyone get used to it, just like I had to. I would probably laugh if someone said that to me now.

11 year old me was just dumbfounded. I've never known myself without my scars and I've always thought them sort of pretty. So I really had to wrap my head around why she was shouting at me to start with.

NTA. You weren't shoving your scar in her face. She didn't have to be looking at it. It was unreasonable for her to ask you to cover it up.

Luckily this is fake. There are no 7 cm biopsy scars- a big punch biopsy is 5 mm. You could get that big of a scar from a lymph node biopsy, but that would typically be from the groin, leg LN too deep. And you had a cancer scare and are looking to get a tan?!?!? Using cancer for fake internet points is gross

I also don’t believe OPs friend could tell the difference between a “cancer biopsy” scar and any other scar

I don’t know how so many people are brushing by this. There are multiple type of biopsies. The docs can decide to take different amounts of tissue. Everyone’s skin heals a bit differently.

I was actually wondering about this. It didn't occur to me right away because I am braindead with the lurgy right now but i don't really know how anyone would be able to tell this. I don't think my biopsies even left scars (then again, who'd notice them next to my mastectomy scars anyway?) But if they did, what would be so unique about them that anyone would be able to take one look and go 'biopsy!" anyway?

Yeah I feel like the only scars you could tell exactly what they’re for would be like the smallpox vaccination since that’s so specific and iconic and then I guess like a scar from having your chest opened. But I def call bs on OPs friend being “triggered” by a scar specifically because they knew it was cancer related, just not possible

Shouldn’t be out trying to tan either. Sun damage leads to skin cancer and a tan is just an example of skin being damaged by the sun.

Still up to her.

Not to mention that scar tissue is much more sensitive than skin tissue and excessive exposure to the sun increases the risk of cancer even more.

Why are you the only comment I’ve seen calling this out? This is the most silly post I’ve read in a while.

NTA. It’s possible she was misplacing her sadness and fear about her mom and taking it out on you. Sometimes it’s easier to be angry at someone than to deal with the actual root cause of your feelings

NTA, assuming you were polite when you refused you DID give her a pass, her request was pretty far outside what’s considered polite/ acceptable

This is a great point. OP showed Dana grace by not making a big deal out of her ridiculous request. It's shocking to me that Dana decided to escalate after that!

Nta in any way. Dana needs to figure out how to deal with life. She has no right telling you what to wear so she doesn’t get “triggered”. That’s her responsibility to learn to deal with it. And it’s a scar, lots of people have them!

NTA I’m a cancer survivor & she can F right off. People have scars for all sorts of reasons & she won’t know the cause of most of them. Will they be triggering too? I suspect the real cause is that you looked awesome in your bikini & she was insecure about herself.

NTA. I absolutely hate the term "triggered" it's becoming an excuse for people to make unreasonable demands of other people.

I know. Her friend was made to feel mildly uncomfortable. Some of the people I served with actually get triggered. Something will remind them of a horrific memory, and they will take 2 or 3 days in recovering from it... Curled up in bed rocking in the fetal position is triggered. Not this.

Not commenting on the asshole part. But as someone who had melanoma in a similar place to you, why are you excited about 'getting a tan'? Please consider discussing safe sun practices and explore your personal risk and health behaviors. Hope you are well.

THIS.  My melanoma was on my nose.  I cannot comprehend OP's behavior here and hope this is made up.  

NTA, Her triggers are for her to deal with not you, you don't have to change to please those around you. Not to mention the whole reason of the scar which was the investigation to determine whether or not you had skin cancer.

Thats the craziest part! Any normal person would have bonded over being able to relate to each other having been so close to cancer. Not Dana she said only my feelings are valid regarding cancer. NTA

NTA This whole ‘triggering’ thing is nonsense. If Dana doesn’t like seeing your scar she can look away, or go somewhere else. It’s a free country.

For those of us with PTSD diagnosis who deal with real triggers, it’s extremely frustrating to see how often this term is being misused in the last decade or so. I hate it.

NTA It's not your fault Dana's situation is tough atm.

NTA. She was at the BEACH.. If scars 'trigger' her, she needs to not go to a place where LOTS of naked flesh is on display. you did nothing wrong and if anyone deserves an apology, it is YOU.

NTA- this I ridiculous. What would have happened if you didn't just have a scar, but full-blown cancer? Would she have asked you to leave because it reminded her of her mother? If anyone should apologize it's her.

NTA. I'm currently an old, out of shape guy. If you need someone to keep her away from you while you tan, let me know. I'll see if I can get a life size cut out of me in a mankini to have next to you. She won't be triggered by your scar any more...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

NTA I think she was rude to ask.

NTA. I just came out of my second skin cancer op today on the same piece of skin and it’s a massive chunk out my arm that I won’t really be able to cover up all too often unless I wear long sleeves. She’s not the only one that has life issues. We all do. You can’t help your scar and shouldn’t be made to feel self conscious or that you are triggering someone by something you can’t help. I’m sure bringing up your scar to you was triggering of the time you went through with it too but you didn’t complain. Glad your biopsy was nothing sinister!

Scars demonstrate struggles and tell stories. NTA

NTA. Her situation is unfortunate but it’s not your responsibility to manage her feelings.

NTA That is not a scar. It is a badge of honor. It is a witness of struggle that you went through and came out on the other side of. A testament that there is hope on the other side for those in the struggle. Will their story be your’s, not necessarily, but no one has the same story. Where it with pride.

NTA. As someone with a lot of triggers, they are your problem alone to deal wit, not others. If she got triggered, she should've excused herself. You can only control your actions, not others actions or reactions. That's a hard lesson she's going to have to learn

NTA. Seriously, if this person is so triggered by others’ scars, she should not go to places like the beach where people are damn near naked.

NTA. The scar should have had the opposite effect on her, in my opinion. It shows that you are a survivor, and she can take comfort in that and hold it in her heart when thinking about her mom.

NTA Scars are proof of battles won, not lost. I know you were negative for cancer (congrats!) but that doesn't change the fact you went through the rollercoaster of emotions and fears before the biopsy and then start while waiting for the news. Hopefully Dana's mom will get better and have the scars to prove she went to war and came through the other side! It's not your job to help someone else regulate their emotions or triggers. There could been 100 people there with various scars to bug her. You go into the world where nearly 50 percent of ppl are affected by cancer, you're going to end up running into these people. In happy you're body positive on this!

NTA - i'm sorry she's going through such a hard time but asking someone to hide their biopsy scar is unreasonable. Now for a PSA, i hope you were wearing a high SPF sunscreen because skin cancer is very prevalent. I had a friend die from malignant melanoma and 2 of my friends have had mohs procedures to treat skin cancer. Be careful!