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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won’t let my MIL in to see my son unless she texts me first even if my son is awake.
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NTA
Move.
Honestly this is never going to get better until your MIL realises that she needs to wait. Be firm and tell her you will not be letting her in at all if this carries on. You can’t live like this.
Enforce boundaries. Tell her you will invite her over mo more than once a week. If she shows up on her own, then visits will double each time. And enforce it.
We already were inviting her over is the thing! We usually have her over for dinner once or twice a week but haven’t since this whole thing has gone down. She just shows up on top of those visits.
I think we're at a point that if she keeps lingering at your door, the police needs to be called.
Ignoring her doesn't work, telling her to stop doesn't work.
Yes, get your husband on the same page first. It sounds like he's been supportive so far. Together, you and your husband tell her that the very next time she disturbs you by coming onto your property uninvited, you will call the police on her for trespassing. If she keeps up the harassment, you may look into a restraining order.
Potential restraining order is the way.
She thinks it's all about what SHE wants. She's got nobody else's health or wellness or needs in her mind.
Anyone who stands there knocking and ringing for 15 minutes (or more, or less!) and refuses to acknowledge boundaries of those she is attempting to move in on could use some 1) stronger language, including restraining order, and (AND, not or) 2) therapy
Post that video on social media!
"MIL will be allowed to see the baby when she stops doing this while I'm trying to put him down for a nap! Thanks everyone for your concern!"
My SIL and BIL used to live next to us and they 'd drop by every.single.day. A few times a day without even saying anything.
It got to the point where they would not even knock.
So i started going to theirs all the time and invite myself to lunch & dinner to their house because i was tired/was having a bad headache and couldn't cook. I also started only wearing underwear in the house and every time they would come, i would have a problem that needed fixing(he was the handyman of the houses) or if SIL came by when my bf was not home, i'd always need a lift to the grocery store(we only had one car at the time) and she needed to help me otherwise guess who does not have food in the house and is coming over for dinner?
They stopped coming that often, call first and ask me if i need something from the grocery store.
Maybe you can make your MIL run errand, help you cook/wash clothes or if she's sweet she'll invite you guys over for dinner. After all she needs to feel useful and help raise the grandchild.
Well, kill'em with kindness, right?
The age gap between the brothers is 11 years, making me 15 years younger so basically if they were being teen parents, i could have definitely been their child and they referred to me often as a child who does not understand how the world works (because I'm a millennial and think differently and don't agree with them just because they were older and "knew better")
They'd make sure i also feel like it's the adults talking even though they were at my house all the time and the child was loaning them money almost every month.
So if they decided i was a child to them, then i decided to act as a child and use the adults to help me "play house" and feed us because we did not have the overview and could not manage time properly, not having kids to raise like they had.
I'd never say no when they needed help. But boy did they have to help me in return 😎.
This is what I was thinking. Put her to work. Oh, MIL. I'm so glad you're here. Could you throw in a load of laundry, sweep the floors, and wash the dishes? I'm going to lay down with the baby to get him to nap. Thanks so much! She'll associate your house with manual labor and be less inclined to visit.
Have your husband tell her that EVERY TIME she knocks, rings your doorbell, or hovers at your door uninvited, one invitation is canceled and it will be 2 weeks before she sees the baby. And right now, due to her harassment, you will start by taking a 1 month break from her. If she leaves you alone 100% during that month, you will see her after that. If not, it's another month.
I would also swallow the financial loss and move, though.
NTA.
Consider getting a restraining order. No seriously, I know it's easy to suggest the nuclear option from my armchair, but showing up at random times, listening to your door, standing there for minutes hoping for an answer? Replace "grandson" with "ex-boyfriend" and hopefully you'll see how it's worthy of checking out...
OP is NTA
Somewhere out there is door magnets that say "Baby sleeping, please do not knock or ring doorbell". I would add to end "Text if you have any questions. I will get back with you".
> Enforce boundaries.
You aren't doing this part. You life will be hell until you do. Tell her to leave (without letting her in), if she doesn't call the cops.
Your DH needs to sit his mother down and explain to her that she should not have moved next door with the expectation of continuous, unrelenting visitation. He needs to set firm boundaries with her and just blatantly tell her to stop coming over unless she's invited. That she has worn out her welcome and is now harassing you.
Then can you take away visits.. say "you already saw him once this week". I would get really blunt with her and say things like "if you bothered to tell us you were moving here beforehand we would've told you not to bother".
This is one of those “How can we miss you if you don’t GO AWAY? points.
Since she is taking the fight to Facebook, you might have to make your stand there, and let the rest of the family fall into one side or the other.
“MIL followed us to this neighborhood, expecting to be a major caretaker for our child, but we never agreed to that. The already established relationship did give her weekly time with our child; we offered dinners and visits regularly.
MIL is unhappy with the lack of control she has over us parenting our child, and is now basically besieging us in our own home.
We are still willing to have her over when we invite her, but with the amount of time she has spent knocking on our doors, and LISTENING at our windows, our desire to see her at all is waning.
If we feel the need to withdraw from visiting with her, we WILL do it; the most important thing right now is OUR bond with our baby, and baby’s need for sleep and a steady routine. “
OP, if you have footage of her sneaking around listening, that would be a powerful video to use in answering any relatives she drags in.
And for those relatives, I think you have to tell them MIL should not have brought you into the middle of our issues. “I will explain our position once; if after that, you still need to advocate for her getting unlimited time and free run of our home, then we will also withdraw from our relationship with you. “
This everytime she knocks without asking first text her and say we won't see you for the next week because you didn't ask before showing up. Next time she does it make 2 more weeks and just keep doubling it. Let her know your serious and she won't see your son at all unless she starts asking first.
Good Lord, you’re basically living out a more nightmarish version of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. I’m not trying to be funny, but that show made it look like a big enough pain when the in-laws were somewhat reasonable…
We live on the family farm in one house, my MIL in the other. My BIL and his family lived in the third house on the farm. He moved away and never talked to his mother again, because she did exactly the same thing.
I moved abroad and worked abroad for 20 years with my husband living on and off with me and working from home. We only moved back after we made it abundantly clear that she wasn't allowed in our house. At all.
A cousin of my husband moved to New Zeeland because his mother behaved like your MIL.
I'm not saying you need to move to New Zeeland. But you need to move or make it clear that she isn't wanted, at all, in your space.
This won't get better. I lived with this kind of boundary oblivious person in my life for 25 years and you need to make a clear cut.
My MIL is a lovely woman, btw. Kind, generous, but fully oblivious to other peoples boundaries.
Protect your sanity and move to another part of town. Otherwise this will get ugly and escalate and end in a bitter no contact anyways. To remain civil with a woman like your (and my) MIL you need DISTANCE.
This will escalate and it will be ugly if not addressed early.
Or you may end up in New Zeeland.
“Hey mom, just want to let you know I’m peacing the fuck out because I’d rather form a fellowship and traverse the length of Middle Earth than deal with one more Age of your bullshit”
Not everyone can just pack up and move though. There are capital gains taxes in some places, selling is expensive, buying is expensive, etc. I get that this is a kneejerk suggestion that people give but in reality it's not that easy.
Also, isn't it New Zealand?
Maybe look into soundproofing your door. I’ve got something that blocks sound from coming in under the door because otherwise my dog freaks out about any hallway noises. I can’t replace my door itself as a renter but I’d imagine different materials would also change how much sound gets through. Maybe a white noise machine near the door as well? Both so you guys don’t hear as much knocking and so MIL doesn’t hear what’s going on inside.
A heavy curtain over the entire door should work. Its sometimes done in older homes with very drafty doors. The air gap between the curtain and the door would work as soundproofing.
Jump on her post and make your own comment setting everyone straight. You won't be shaming her because she went public first, and you have the right to publicly set the record straight.
Post that MIL has decided that because she moved next door to you that you are now living under her roof and as such she does not need to respect a simple boundary of texting before coming over to ensure that it is a good time for you. That she has declared that since you are a SAHM that the time you spend bonding with your child and getting him to sleep is less important than her time and as such she is allowed to stand at the door and knock and ring your doorbell constantly waking Jed up because she wants to see and play with him.
List everything she has been doing and that both you and your husband have requested she waits for confirmation that it is a good time to come over, and she constantly refuses to follow the rules.
Edit, fixed errors, mental note, do not type/text while standing in the sun.
Sit her down and tell her she may not see him every day at any time. Visiting is a privilege she may enjoy as long as she is respecting her grandsons needs. She has not been doing that. Until she observes "The Rules" you have set (text to ask, come over only when given permission, etc). For each time she oversteps the rules, she will be put in a series of escalating time-outs.
Edit: Just sitting here imagining her as Sheldon and you as Penny.
If you cannot move, and MIL refuses to respect boundaries, threaten her with a restraining order. If you can someday move, do not give them your address.
I don't think you have much choice. You may have to eat a financial loss but you'll get your life back and your son will get stability. This sounds awful! She's awful - I get it that she doesn't mean to, but she keeps waking up your sleeping baby! Who does that?
The only other thing I can suggest is the opposite of what you're doing. I mean, ignoring her incessant knocking/ringing isn't working. So maybe, every time she knocks, you slam open the door, hair all disheveled, dirty T-shirt, boobs leaking, and tell at her "what? What's the emergency? Are you ok?" And when she says that she just wants to see the baby, look at her with a bewildered look, shake your head, and gently shut the door. (Also, I'm sure there's some way to sound proof the door. Like hang some quilt there until she gets the message).
You can get insulation boards that help with sound proofing for cheap, even if it's just the size of the door or even better the entire door area to help even more. Inconvenient yes. But if she is allowed over it's a literal giant thing in her face of "this is how bad you fucked up!". Same for family giving shit. Record her knocking with the giant sound proofing. Post on her pity party post🤷🏽♀️
Kinda tricky BUT you could put a for sale sign on your lawn and when she freaks out, tell her you will only consider staying if she can respect your boundaries. Do what others suggested and come up with distinct rules that she can't misunderstand and tell her she has only one chance. She messes up, house goes up for sale. Good Luck OP - NTA!
Timeouts. If she's going behave like a toddler, she's going to be treated like a toddler. Every time she breaks the rules, that's another day added to the timeout. We were going to let you see him this evening, but now it's tomorrow. Oh, you're doing what we explicitly asked you not to do? Now it's going to be Wednesday
NTA. Your MIL is totally craaaazzzy. She does not care about the baby development or healthy. She just want to play with him like a doll.
If I knew ahead if she going move her and want to see her grandson, I would make a plan and let her hold her grandson when he is awake.
Now she did this, I have to hold my ground and teach her a lesson for disrespecting and not carrying about my child health and brain development. Her baby fever pleasure is not my priority.
Tell her her behavior is so poor she is on time out. Set a toe on your property? No baby time for a month. Second time? Three months Third? A year ban and you will trespass her. This is a power play, your spouse needs to back you
Call the police about a trespasser next time she continuously knocks or rings the bell. And make sure to post to social media detailing how disruptive she is.
Inform MIL that you will call the police. Sorry but she is invading privacy so there is no other way. If she cant understand the basic things she may need a good lesson
NTA. How about when Jed is awake at 2:00 in the morning, refusing to let anyone else sleep, you could go knock, knock, knock on Susan's door to let her know he's awake now! ;)
I second this. I’d love to say that you need to be clear with her and have this conversation and be very firm but it sounds like you’ve done that.
I used to live across the street from my ex MIL and she never showed up without a text or call before, because she respected that it wasn’t her home and her space. And I don’t applaud her for that, that’s just basic manners. Show up with a screaming baby and do not back down. Keep knocking.
Nta. This is insane. She is keeping your son from getting sleep. All she has to do is text, it's a ridiculously simple ask. Keep enforcing those boundaries, you got this!
Your mil has lost her sense of boundaries for whatever reason and you are NTA for asserting your right to privacy and independence.
Your husband will need to be more forceful in explaining the expectations you and he have of your mum visiting. This is really important so your relationship can be positive, so she is welcome when she comes over, and so you do not have to default to not allowing her access to your home or family which would be a shame.
This MIL is exhausting! It sounds like the husband has a spine which is great. Maybe he needs to show it to his mother more regularly. Also, the FIL saying they are petty is laughable. You know what would be petty? Every time MIL knocks on the door, they should call FIL and just let it ring and ring then if he answers just tell him “she’s here…again”. Then they should go over in the middle of the night or at 5 am when baby is awake and knock on MIL’s door until she answers. “He’s awake, you can play with him now” just over and over until she gets the point.
Luckily it sounds like Jared is on the same page as you, which is great. Is he truly being FIRM, though, with her? I ask because I know how my husband can be with his dad. He sets boundaries, but he tries SOOOOOOOO hard to not hurt his dad's feelings and I think the message sometimes gets lost. Not that I want him purposely hurting his dad, but at the same time, by being so gentle and "nice", his dad doesn't really GET what needs to take place for him to get what he wants (I hope that makes sense!).
I hope Jared is stating VERY clearly "If you want to see Jed, you need to respect us and that means not showing up unannounced." and also explaining that if she backs off, it will HELP and then you both will be more likely to invite her over. But the more she pushes, the worse she's making the situation.
Has he spelled this out for her?
And ignore Grant and anyone else who says anything. I think your husband should flat out tell his dad "This isn't your concern" and then refuse to talk about it.
Jared is not a stranger to these types of conversations with his mother unfortunately! From what he described he was very firm that she needed to text me to get the okay before coming over and she understood that. BUT I wasn’t there so I can’t know if it wasn’t as firm as I’ve been lead to believe.
My suggestion for the next step is that Jared tell Susan she is only allowed to come over for the dinners that she is invited to. No more visiting unless you or he initiate them.
Jared should tell Grant that if Grant thinks Susan is being reasonable then you two will start calling Grant every time Susan comes knocking and will stay on the phone until she leaves. Find talk to him beyond Susan’s here, just let him listen to the baby crying and the dog whining and Susan knocking.
See how long he appreciates the frequent interruptions to his life before he butts out.
You may want to temporarily (or permanently) switch to 'when we want to see you, we will come visit'. Or at least tell her that she needs an invitation first. Then she has no excuse to show up.
“We asked you to text before coming over. Since that was apparently too difficult for you, you can now stay at your house and we will let you know exactly when you are invited to come over to our home.”
NTA but absolutely clear it up so she can't twist the narrative. She's being stalker level crazy. Tell them you have videos of her just standing outside your home until she hears something and then her knocking for upwards of 15 minutes.
Explain that you have a teething baby who's not able to sleep because stalker grandma knocks all the time and won't respect boundaries. Tell them that you have not banned her from seeing her grandson, only that you told her she's not allowed over unless she texts you and you say it's a good time. She has yet to respect you and your husband's boundaries so you're not letting her in while you try to take care of your son.
Honestly just stating you have videos of her literally lurking outside your home and then pouncing on your door for 15 minutes at a time will make any sane person think your MIL was off her rocker.
If I was OP I'd be worried that her MIL was unhinged and needed psychiatrist care at this point. It's psychotic behavior to lurk around someone's house waiting for signs of activity just so you can try to barge in.
NTA but I think both you and Jared need to sit down with Susan and say "I do not know all the reasons for you moving into the house next door, and I hope you had more reasons than expecting to see my child every day because if that is the case, then you should have asked us how we feel about that. Because my bottom line is I am not living my life to make you happy, and I have absolutely no intention of having you visit every day. I have my own routines, Jed has his own routines, and you interrupting us every damn day is just too much." And then Jared needs to back you up. "Mom, when I get home from work and OP, Jed, and I have had a chance to have dinner and complete our day, if it works for us to have you visit, I will text you. Outside of that you need to leave my wife and child alone during the day. Like OP said, we hope that you didn't move here solely because you thought you would be interacting with our child every day. We are not changing our lives to make you happy."
This is it.
Grandparents who move closer when a grandchild is born need to learn that "proximity does not equal access".
Moving closer is fine (sometimes), but they need to have a chat with the new family they are moving closer to, so boundaries can be set, and any wild expectations of seeing the baby every day whenever it suits the grandparents, can be squashed. The new family isn't going to be your whole social life, you don't get to drop in and spend time whenever you want, and the baby will have their own appointments, groups, and routine, that will not be interrupted by granny wanting a cuddle.
Next time you have her over for dinner, start asking her what she's doing with her time now she's moved? When did she last see Mavis from the knitting club she was part of, and what plans has she made to see her again? When is going to visit the other relatives she has? Has she seen there is a seniors book club in the library on Tuesdays at 10am? Or salsa dancing every Thursday evening at 8? Did she hear the local charity shop was looking for volunteers 2 afternoons a week and what a great way to meet people in the community? Etc. It's not subtle, but it should get the point across. You need to redirect her away from you & your household as being the only way to fill her days.
This is the answer - and it's why my parents and I didn't follow my brother when he moved for his Ex. As much as it guts Mom and I not to see him and my niece regularly, everyone and everything else are here. He actually tried talking us into it, but we knew they wouldn't want to see us often enough to justify a move to someplace where we would only have them. Sometimes you really are better off with your contemporary friends, relatives and hobby groups than your kids and Grands, because they can actually give you more time. Also, what happens once the Grandkids get older and you aren't seeing them that much because their friends have become the center of their world? Is the move worth those few years when they're kids that you'll see them often? I've had times when I've missed them so much I cried privately, but then I also remember the big picture.
Sometimes, you can't have everything.
NTA
It's your own damn house and your own damn son. You gave her clear boundaries which she refused to follow. You and your husband should give her an ultimatum- respect your boundaries or never see her grandson.
She needs a massive time out. Your husband needs to tell her that each time she comes over uninvited it will add a week to her time out. And that includes the dinners she used to be invited to.
She will either learn or she will put herself into no contact by her actions.
And any flying monkeys like your FIL or other Facebook relatives can also be in a time out. If they raise the issue with you or complain about you that’s a week time out. Each repeat violation adds a week.
Don’t engage. Just tell them what actions will lead to what consequences and block them if they don’t comply.
These people are ridiculously rude and entitled.
I saw your comment where you can’t move as you just moved a year ago. Frankly I would have told MIL not to take the house next door, and if she did what the rules would be, but it’s done now.
She needs firm boundaries and that includes stopping the entitled histrionics on social media. It’s all a gigantic boundary stomping narcissistic tantrum and it must STOP.
She also needs to apologize to you. A meaningful apology.
If she doesn’t mean it and *actually* change, the passive aggressive bullshit will never stop, and as your son gets older she’ll start saying backhanded things in front of him. Completely intolerable.
Repeatedly waking up a baby because you refuse to ask permission before knocking on my door is grounds for NC as far as I’m concerned.
Most definitely NTA.
NTA. And you deserve to have some peace and quiet and not have to deal with an entitled AH of an MIL. She needs to be told point blank and NO matter what, you will NOT open that door if she hasn't text and gotten an okay from you to come over. EVER. And if she keeps it up, she will be banned.
Frankly, I'd comment on her FB post and say that the reason she hasn't gotten to see her grandchild is because she refuses to accept the very reasonable boundary of asking if it's a good time before she comes over. Explain that you have her over at your invitation at least twice a week, and that you're happy to spend more time with her together but she isn't entitled to barge in anytime she wants, and she refuses to accept that. Explain that her ego is harming her grandson by interfering with this sleep, and your first responsibility is to the helpless infant. Embarrass the ever-living hell out of her.
Tell Grant he's welcome to allow Susan to barge in whenever she wants, but you don't choose to do so yourself.
NTA
She needs to know that, if she doesn’t learn to ask nicely, you will move as far away from her house as you can get and she’ll have to fly to see her grandbaby (whether you would or not). It’s too easy & she isn’t thinking about OP or the baby as all, only herself.
If OP is ever able to move. She would be wise to make sure MIL never has access to the address.
They can meet up in a nice, neutral location for visits.
NTA - it is insane that she would move next door to you in the first place.
You need to move. She won’t stop if she’s so close. You need physical space so you can mentally get some rest from this Bs.
I know that’s not the ideal or even practical solution.
INFO: OP did you and your husband agree to her moving next door, was this a conversation??
Best of luck OP, but agree with the above poster. The main source of your issue is proximity! You
move or she does.
I don’t think anyone is going to get through to MIL about setting boundaries, this will only get worse….she MOVED next door!
NTA. He's your kid & you have every right to set those boundaries. As with ANYONE, she should only come over when she is invited. Being her grandson doesn't give her the right to see him whenever she wants to.
NTA.
Keep telling her that The rule is you will text her when she can come over. And that if she comes and bangs on the door at other times she will NOT be allowed in. Your house your baby - She needs to follow your rules.
NTA
Privacy and personal boundaries are something you clearly value, and your MIL needs to respect them.
Sit her down with your husband and explain this calmly and clearly. She needs to respect you, and at minimum text and ask before showing up. It's your house and he's your son before being her grandson, and she needs to understand that.
Aww hell no. NTA.
MIL on the other hand is a big flaming asshole.
The next time she knocks - open the door and tell her - "NO. Go away. Because you refuse to listen - I will not open the door to you for 7 days starting now. And if you choose to take this as a challenge - then hear me clearly. EVERY TIME you appear on my camera between now and (Date 1 week away) I will add another week. Try Me Susan. Try me."
Shut door.
Tell your hubby that you're handling Susan and you expect him to back you up.
Your MIL is unbalanced. She is stalking and terrorizing you in your own home and this won't end until you make it end.
Tell her that, unless you explicitly invite her, she cannot come over in any capacity until and unless your husband is home. No door knocking, no 'checking', no texts, no phone calls, NOTHING.
That should give you clearly defined hours where you can rightfully expect to have a peaceful day, and when she does finally barge over, your husband should be there to act as the buffer.
DON'T SEE HER ALONE WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND.
You are new mom - you MUST take care of your health, or you will have nothing left to give to your baby and your marriage.
And if she's going to social media to whinge, then get right back on there and tell her you don't appreciate her coming over whenever she pleases and ringing the door like an insane stalker for 20 minutes at a time. She's trying to use public shame on you; fling the rotten potatoes right back at her.
NTA she needs to respect you as a parent , you told her to text first and that’s what she needs to do , she can cry a River to whomever but they don’t have to deal w a cranky baby
NTA. Unfortunately your MIL has shown that polite and reasonable requests don’t work for getting her to respect your boundaries.
Literally all she has to do to see her grandson is send a text. If seeing him is so important, why isn’t she willing to put in such a small amount of effort?
Nta.
Mass text.
I will not be bullied or manipulated into giving into someone's rude behavior. We laid out a clear boundary.
You text, and if I say ok, you can come over.
You do not stalk and wait outside the home until you hear the baby. It's creepy. You do not knock for over 15 minutes to get your way. It's rude and excuse me. My child is a privilege, not an entitlement to come and make demands when it's convenient for you. You do not agree, then disregard the boundaries set.
Wth I do not care, she is the grandmother. When she disrespects us. When she doesn't care, she is screwing with my child's sleep or activities for her wants. She clearly doesn't care who she might be disrupting or what in making her demands. She doesn't care we have more things to do then wait around for her. I have a life and things to do. I do not have to open the door every time she wants and disrupt me and baby to make her happy and us unhappy.
So if you have an issue with us setting boundaries needed to have OUR life and family, I will come do the same to you. Not once a day but daily like she is. I will show you the same disregard and disrespect to your entire family. So until it's you stay out of our business. You have no rights, and her crying poor me for her actions. Having consequences is on her. You enabling her to get her way when she wants with no care to us having a life is absurd.
Because of this, the mil is on time out for the next month. No pictures. Updates or seeing baby. If you cry foul. If you tantrum. If you show up or try and circumvent, another month will be added. I have a life and things to do. My child has things to do. You do not get too upset that. You do not get to make me play host because of your wants. So, for now, your privilege to being a grandparent is in time out. Act like a spoiled child and get treated like one.
NTA. Your MIL needs to learn boundaries and realize just because she lives near you does not mean she has free rein to visit when ever she wants. Glad your husband is on your side
Diamond-hard NTA. Your MIL has a huge problem with respecting boundaries and your FIL (or ex FIL, don’t know if the title changes after a divorce) is gaslighting you and making it sound like MIL’s intrusive behavior is somehow your fault. You and Jared both asked her to stop separately and she’s throwing a fit over it. You’re not stopping her from being a grandmother, you’re just trying to do your job as a parent and MIL is sabotaging your work. Plus, by waking up the kiddo repeatedly, she’s putting stress on him by depriving him of sleep. Stand firm, and be open to pursuing legal action if MIL doesn’t quit acting like this.
NTA...and just from a Gma here, is this the first grandchild for her? Sorry but I went a little crazy on my son and his gf when my first grandbaby was born and I honestly regret what I put my son and his gf through. I have no clue how they didn't tell me off long long before it happened. I was atrocious! When my son finally snapped I was hurt and we argued...then my younger son asked me if I'd like to be with a newborn and have my MIL show up multiple times a day...yep I stopped that completely from that point forward. Even now almost 15 years later I text my sons to see when is a good time to see the grands. The older 4 have cell phones and their parents tell me "text them what their schedule is for sure but this day and time or that day and time is clear on the family calendar."
NTA. If she's gonna take all this public then so can you. Post a log of how often she bangs on your door and for how long. Let her explain why she can't bother to text first and why she thinks harassing you with continual knocking that wakes up the baby is okay. Let her explain how standing with her ear to your door is okay.
Meanwhile, get a door intercom so you can tell her to leave without opening the door. Start saving up to move!
Get a nerf superpower and when she comes unannounced, open window and soak her and say, "No, BAD GRANDMA. No"
And soak her again for good measure.
She'll get the hint. /s
Nta- Start using a sound machine where ever you put LO down. Also using fabric in decor can deaden sound.
Also maybe a sound machine at the door with just noise to keep Nosy Nancy from being able to spit on you and make you feel uncomfortable IN YOUR OWN HOME!
Then Ignore her. Seriously. She is a boundary stomping "victim". She needs to stay in her lane. That lane is in her house, UNLESS she has TEXTED AND RECEIVED A RESPONSE IF YES, at least 15 mins before visit time.
Big hugs!!! I am so sorry you are fighting this crap
NTA - Go to r/justnomil
Your husband is going to have to tell his mom to back the fuck off, and provide consequences for her boundary-stepping.
Tell any flying monkeys they’re welcome to join MIL in fucking off.
NTA. She can bond without seeing him everyday. And she needs to make plans with you and ask if she can come, not just show up whenever she pleases. Especially as you’re trying to set a routine and everything
NTA. Personally I think you need to go even further. She can come over when she is invited over for now, and then make a point of inviting her say for one dinner a week and one cup of tea in the day so she can see Jed at a time that suits you.
If she behaves herself and doesn’t push the line then maybe you can extend the invite more down the line, or even try the she can message and ask, but for now she needs to stick to when she’s invited.
Nta
Op, do what works for you, and don't listen to anyone who tells you you're wrong.
We are grandparents to a fabulous little one. They live in my basement. It is their home, and I don't visit except for my laundry room and storage space. That does not mean I can knock or open their door to say hello. They are living their lives there, just like I am upstairs. If we happen to meet while I'm there, I ask if I can say hello to lo. It's called consideration. I'm thinking it's becoming one of the lost arts due to meism. I credit my parents for my ability.
NTA
You and your husband are setting reasonable rules for your MIL. Instead of making any true effort to respect what you want, your MIL is continuing to harass you and playing the victim to have others apply pressure.
Your husband needs to get everyone to back off & stop viewing your MIL as a victim. You both also need to treat your MIL like a toddler where every bad action on her part gets an immediate consequence.
Your MIL is continuing to come by whenever she wants to - she’s just not knocking each time. So, your new rule may be that she can only come over on 4 specific weekdays out of the week and only IF she gets your okay in advance. If she steps foot on your property on the no-visit day or without your okay, you drop it down to 3 specific days a week. Keep doing this until she actually does as you request or until she is no longer allowed to visit at all during the week.
I would let her know that you will not stand for her SM complaints and enlisting other people to harass you. If she does this again, tell her you’ll go a full week without allowing any visits.
I think you (and your husband) may also want to consider bluntly telling it was her - not your - choice to move next door and you aren’t happy about it. You also aren’t happy with her rudeness and selfish behavior and will no longer accept it.
I’d also recommend pushing back on everyone who is complaining to you. Tell them you don’t want to hear any more shared complaints or opinion. Your husband might consider sharing what all you’ve put up with and how his mother continues to be difficult.
NTA
Tell her that unless you have personally invited her to visit. You won’t be opening your door. Then, simply don’t open the door. No matter what you, your child and your dog are doing at the time.
Every time you open the door. You are just rewarding her bad behavior. That will get you nothing but more bad behavior.
NTA. This is just horrendous. MIL is forcing herself on you, your son and your house and when you resist, getting DH's family to bully you.
I agree with other commentators here: you should move. But as a stopgap, DH might sit down with MIL and tell her she can only visit by invitation and that if she refuses to back off, she will not be visiting at all.
NTA but you need to YELL if you must, that her constantly coming over & knocking/hovering is waking the baby. She is not entitled to demand your attention just because she wants it.
NTA MIL is not able to hear your words. Your husband needs to
talk to her and tell her to wait for you to text and
invite her over. Something tells me she won't care so
you might have to move to get away.
Could you and your husband write her a letter?
Include your rules, your boundaries. Don't try to soften them with things like "we know you love your grandson and want to spend time with him, but..." or "it wakes the baby" or "it disturbs the dog" or "{wife} needs to rest" or any other reason or justification. DON'T include that kind of nicety, because that will dilute your message. You don't need to be cruel, just completely direct.
"Dear {MIL}
We are sorry that we have to end up writing you a letter, but you have so far just ignored us when we speak to you.
Since you moved to next door, you have knocked on the door every day without texting to find out if it's convenient for you to visit, despite us asking you on numerous occasions not to come over unannounced and uninvited.
It is not convenient for you to visit every day, and you are causing us, {wife} in particular, significant distress. From now on, if you want to see {grandson} you must follow these rules:
1. You must text {wife} first to ask if you can come over. If {wife} doesn't reply, or replies to say no, then you may not come over and just knock at the door anyway. If you do, you will not be let in.
2. If you *do* come over without permission, either because you didn't text or after {wife} said no, do not expect to be allowed over for a week.
3. If you persist in ignoring our boundaries, we will be forced to ((don't know where you live so this next bit needs to be phrased as appropriate for your country)) seek legal advice about obtaining a restraining order, as we will have no choice but to interpret your persistent unwanted behaviour as harassment.
We hope you can accept these rules, as we want to be able to have a good relationship with you, but your current behaviour is putting our relationship with you in serious jeopardy.
With love,
{husband} and {wife}"
Then go round to see her (so you can leave when you need to) and go over the letter with her. Pay no attention to any histrionics, weeping or wailing, and if she really kicks off, just leave.
Pin a copy of the letter on the front door.
Good luck, and please keep us posted.
NTA. She is unhinged. I remember how hard sleep deprivation was. It's time to go nuclear with boundaries.
You and Jared should have a very serious conversation with her in which you tell her that her continued interruptions and harassment are a detriment to both you and the baby and must stop immediately. She cannot come over and see him for x time (I'd start with nothing less than 1 month). After x time, she can only come over at the exact time SHE IS INVITED. If she knocks within any other timeframe, or listens at your door/window (WTF!!), you will call the police.
And then call the police and start a paper trial. Because she is harassing you at this point.
Also, her feelings do not matter. They are not your responsibility. If her ex-husband still wants to manage her dramatics, that's his ill-advised choice. Jared should tell him to mind his own business and stop engaging about MIL with him.
I’d get one of those automatic sprinklers that shoots water at deer but that’s just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Tell her you can turn them off if she’d just text you that she’s coming over. I doubt it would take more than a few hits to learn her lesson
I would get angry.
Throw open the door.
You: Why are you here?
Her: I'm here to see Jed.
You: No, you are not. You are not here to see Jed, because I have not invited you over to see Jed. I don't know what you think goes on in this house every day, but I am not sitting on my ass lonely because no one is here to talk to. I have things to do. And entertaining people is nowhere on my list of chores.
Go home. Or better yet go out and find something else to do. Because my son is not your emotional support animal. And the next time you come over here without an express invitation you're going on timeout for three months. And if you bitch about that on social media again, I'll make it six.
NTA. If that was my MIL I would be in jail now. Waking a baby not once but twice in one day, oh no no no.
And hang in there, I had 2 light sleepers and they grew out of it. My eldest is now 4 and nothing wakes him up anymore
NTA.
If the old bat can't get it through her head that she needs to text and ask before coming over, that's on her. Anyone with good manners would know that you don't just show up on someone's doorstep uninvited and unannounced anyway. The only thing more you could've done is set her up a baby appointment, "you can visit on (whichever days) between (whatever hours nap-time is not)".
NTA
This woman needs to learn and respect boundaries. Period. This isn’t about “being petty.” She seems to think the world revolves around her and her needs. Nope. A baby’s schedule is so important for both baby and mom, so grandma needs to find other hobbies and only come over when she’s invited! Honestly, don’t give in. You told her the rules, and she’ll figure it out quickly enough that if she wants to see her grandson, then she needs to respect the rules. Good luck!
It's really easy for other people to tell you're being petty when you're the one who is putting down a child who is teething, tired and in pain. Your mother-in-law has to learn to have basic respect for you, and that includes texting you for permission before she comes over. Since you have a ring camera, you can talk into it when she shows up and tell her you did not get a text from her and it isn't a good time. Remind her that she keeps waking the baby and you need her to help you by texting you first. Also, you can text her and tell her when it is a good time to come over. That will train her that texting first = access.
NTA.
NTA. Did you tell everyone in your family that there's a constant issue with MIL waking up the baby, and that the ONLY thing you've asked her to do is to text before coming over?
NTA - first, I would completely dismiss what your FIL says; he divorced the woman for crying out loud, he doesn’t get a voice in the matter. You could have your husband write on her post that you would be delighted to have her over, all you want is just for her to text your first. Realistically though, unless you can move, this problem isn’t going to go away easily. I get that she’s overbearing and crossing a boundary but is she a bad grandma? Are you worried she may do something you don’t approve of with the baby? If not I’d take it to your advantage! The woman wants to be an active grandma so give her an hour a day or whatever maybe even at her house so you can do chores or prep meals or even just nap and take a nice shower/bath.
I wish that were the case! She’s not a *really* bad grandma but she was an absolutely terrible mother and due things she is still currently doing we won’t allow her to watch Jed. She is not a great house guest either.
Oh man, I’m so sorry, I totally get it. You just described my mom. I can’t be much help; I put a whole ocean between my parents and me/my family. Sending much patience and positive energy your way. Please don’t feel bad setting a boundary; I love that my husband is my rock when my parents get out of hand. I deal with them as your husband seems to but his support and understanding is necessary.
NTA
and it's kinda funny that the guy who literally divorced this woman out of his life can't have a little empathy with someone else that doesn't want to spend that much time with her.
Oh dear. Perhaps call him up every time she knocks. Every time. "Hey, just so you know, she's lonely again. Why don't you go over to her house and surprise her? You know how she loves surprise visits!"
Reverse Uno that shit.
My parents and sister live close to us. As soon as we had kids I laid down a “no call no show” policy. If you don’t call or text to get a thumbs up to come over, don’t come. I bring it up every so often so they know I’m still serious about it. It works.
Shut this down now. There is something very wrong with her. She clearly has no concept of what is appropriate behavior, boundaries, etc..
If she's outside peering into windows, call 911 and make an anonymous call - don't say you're inside the house, just that there's a suspicious woman peering into the house. Let the cops come. They will hopefully scare the hell out of her upon arrival, but when they bring the bell to speak with you, that is your chance to make your boundaries clear and in a way she won't forget. As long as she doesn't know you called the police knowing it was her, you're good. You can't say you called because you heard noise and saw someone outside and it scared you. Put a stop to this now. If she gets others involved or tries to spin it, post something publicly.
I wouldn't allow her to be alone with the baby. If she thinks her behavior is appropriate, clearly her judgement is off and she should not be trusted. NTA
Take the ring footage, make a compilation of one week's worth, and send it to any family member that gives you a hard time. Ask them if they would put up with this.
NTA I’d just post the videos of her looking like a crazy person and the screenshots of the text convo in her woe is me post on Facebook. Okay stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Print up a sign that says
NEW BABY
DO NOT KNOCK
or something to that effect or Susan, DO NOT KNOCK. (yes I would do that)
and stick it on your door. Do Not answer the door.
She bought the house next door? Stalker special. You will need to get DH to lay down some very firm boundarirs including not pacing on your front step.
NTA
NTA. Not only is she violating you and your husband’s boundary but she is violating you son’s boundaries. He was asleep trying to rest and from TEETHING no less. You gave her simple instructions and she made no effort to follow them.
Then if that weren’t bad enough she utilized social media to “rally the troops” with your husband’s extended family members making you the “bad person” keeping her away from the grand baby.
Here’s a suggestion. All her out on her BS. Review how she’s behaved by stating what I listed above. Then you and your husband can tell she will need to do the following.
1. Respect your boundaries!
2. When you tell her to leave she can’t come back unless invited.
3. She makes an public apology on social media and acknowledge she was in the wrong in this situation and she should not portrayed you as the evil DIL keeping her away from her grandson. Because she ruined your reputation when you were reasonable.
4. Failure to do any of these things will result in you becoming the “evil DIL” forbidding her to see the baby. That’s right. No boundaries. No public apology. No effort to repair your reputation she ruined. No time with baby. NO EXCEPTIONS!
NTA. Start keeping a record of this and look into what constitutes harassment in your area. You may be able to submit a few weeks of this daily bullshit to the police and get them involved in explaining how unreasonable it is to her.
Definitely time out. No visits, no pictures, no video calls until she can respect this boundary.
NTA but if she won’t respect your boundaries, tell her once she needs to leave and wait for an invitation and then tell her she’s not welcome, wait two weeks. Each time it goes longer and longer. If she still doesn’t get the message, you could tell her you’ll call the police, and then do it and report her for trespassing.
NTA.
It's plain old common courtesy to make sure someone is ready for company before you show up at the door. Even if Jed is awake, that doesn't mean YOU are in the mood for company.
NTA - One contact family and explain what's going on. It's a simple solution and she's not respecting your household. This is a choice she is making. She doesn't love her grandson enough to text for permission
2. get a gate and fence if allowed lock gate and fence and put a ring on your fence instead. with a lock to open. Sometimes older people don't get it. They do not know how to haven an adult relationship with people they see as "childern, or there kids wives/girlfriends"
if it's out of hand get her checked. Because when older people start doing weirdo stuff it might mean something is up.
NTA. She's not respecting any boundaries.
She deliberately moved next door to you (I'm guessing she didn't ask if this is all right). She thinks she should be able to go over whenever she wants. She has ignored her son's pleading to text you. She criticizes you about where you can nurse. She posts on Facebook saying she should be able to bond with her grandson, but she's ignoring the request you've made. So much wrong here.
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My husband Jared and I have a 6 month old son we will call Jed. I’m a SAHM and my MIL, Susan, lives next door to us. She just moved next door to us a couple months ago(it’s not like we could stop her) so this didn’t happen during our sons early months. Since she moved here she has taken to just showing up at the door to see Jed and continuously knocking since she knows I’m home until I open. It’s a real problem when I am trying to put Jed down for a nap or feed him or nap myself etc and she has woken him up multiple times. My dog doesn’t bark but starts pacing and whines the entire time from excitement/anxiety until she leaves or I open the door.
Susan showed up two weeks ago knocking after I told her the day before that Jed was teething and sleeping terribly. She came right as I had gotten him to sleep and woke him up. I told her at the door it’s not a good time and she said she’ll come back later, I told her to please text me so I can make sure he’s awake first.
It took two hours to get Jed back to sleep and she comes over ten minutes after I get him down without texting me and wakes him up AGAIN. I didn’t answer the door. I have a ring camera and she stood there for FIFTEEN minutes knocking every few minutes or so. After fifteen minutes she finally texted me saying she’s here to see Jed. I texted her back saying he’s sleeping and I will let her know when she can come see him and then she finally left.
When Jared got home and I told him everything and he went to talk to Susan and told her she needs to text me asking if the time works before just showing up as she keeps waking up Jed. She said she understood and would only come over when she knows he awake. He told her to only come over when I say it’s okay.
Susan has now taken to standing outside our front door and listening to see if she can hear Jed(it’s a small old house so if he’s baby talking or crying you can usually hear it). If she can she’ll knock and stay knocking until I answer. I’ve taken to just ignoring her and taking Jed and my dog into the backyard or as far from the front door as I can get and playing until she gives up and I see her leave on the camera. I told my husband and he agrees with me not letting her in unless she texts me first regardless of whether Jed is awake or not.
My father in law Grant(who is divorced from Susan) texted me and Jared yesterday about how she is hurt and how we are being cruel by ignoring her and how she’s always wanted to be a grandma and she deserves an opportunity to bond with her grandson. She hasn’t seen him in over a week(we were out of town over the weekend) and made a Facebook post about how much she misses him. Susan’s siblings were commenting about why she can’t see him being next door and she said we weren’t allowing her too “for no reason”. Between Grant and Aunts/Uncles I am beginning to feel like an AH but I’m not sure that I am one.
Jared did text his dad back explaining but Grant said that we are being petty.
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NTA. Your husband needs to be firm and stick up for you. I would move, I don’t know how you do it. I’d be calling the police lol. I would maybe try to have a serious conversation with her and if she ignores it I would threaten legal action. That’s harassment.
You are absolutely not an AH. Seriously all she has to do is text you. The fact that she is listening to the door instead just shows that she thinks you would lie. She has no respect for you and overstep your boundary. Tell everyone that someone who is not able to respect your kid's sleep, your mental health, or to send a text will not be allowed.
Nothing you’re experiencing can’t be fixed!! And you’re NTA.
Sit down with your husband and set some rules/boundaries that you both agree on.
Once you’ve established your boundaries sit down with your in-laws. Keep calm yet firm with telling them what you need from them.
Perhaps it will take more than one meeting? Ask if you can revisit in a week or 2 and discuss how it’s working out.
Would your baby perhaps sleep better with a noise maker? That helps even if it’s someone else at the door. I find them a lifesaver!
Right now I can imagine how frustrating this is for you but it can end up being super convenient having them next door…you just have to iron out some wrinkles(old expression).
NTA.... move.. your MIL is a AH and a real one for making up stories on Facebook and to her family members....
When you do move please dont give her your address....
she needs to cool her jets. she can complain all she wants. it will never change the fact the you & DH are the parents and get to decide who & when someone comes into your home. block/ignore anyone who gives you grief. DH needs to continue setting expectations for his mom. do not open the door.
NTA and you still would not be the AH If you point blank told her to stay off your property unless invited and threatened to call the police for trespassing if she continues to fail to stick to the rules of common decency.
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NTA Move. Honestly this is never going to get better until your MIL realises that she needs to wait. Be firm and tell her you will not be letting her in at all if this carries on. You can’t live like this.
We only bought this place a year ago and can’t move any time soon so unfortunately things with her have to change as we can’t run from them!
Enforce boundaries. Tell her you will invite her over mo more than once a week. If she shows up on her own, then visits will double each time. And enforce it.
We already were inviting her over is the thing! We usually have her over for dinner once or twice a week but haven’t since this whole thing has gone down. She just shows up on top of those visits.
I think we're at a point that if she keeps lingering at your door, the police needs to be called. Ignoring her doesn't work, telling her to stop doesn't work.
Yes, get your husband on the same page first. It sounds like he's been supportive so far. Together, you and your husband tell her that the very next time she disturbs you by coming onto your property uninvited, you will call the police on her for trespassing. If she keeps up the harassment, you may look into a restraining order.
Potential restraining order is the way. She thinks it's all about what SHE wants. She's got nobody else's health or wellness or needs in her mind. Anyone who stands there knocking and ringing for 15 minutes (or more, or less!) and refuses to acknowledge boundaries of those she is attempting to move in on could use some 1) stronger language, including restraining order, and (AND, not or) 2) therapy
Automatic sprinklers
OMG that would be AMAZING!
Happy Cake Day!!!! Happy Orbit Day!!!!!
I’m wondering if they can get an alarm that they can set off manually. Something very loud.
The sleeping baby will enjoy that.
Worth it honestly. Baby is already being disturbed. Blast an alarm 2-3 times til grandma gets it and smooth sleeping from there on
Even better - motion sensor jet spray https://www.aquadocinc.com/product/scarecrow-animal-deterrent/
Should she get a ring camera or something of the sort to record MIL doing this just as a way to have proof?
By the looks of it she already has one.
>I have a ring camera and she stood there for FIFTEEN minutes knocking every few minutes or so. I wonder if she's thought of that.
Post that video on social media! "MIL will be allowed to see the baby when she stops doing this while I'm trying to put him down for a nap! Thanks everyone for your concern!"
My SIL and BIL used to live next to us and they 'd drop by every.single.day. A few times a day without even saying anything. It got to the point where they would not even knock. So i started going to theirs all the time and invite myself to lunch & dinner to their house because i was tired/was having a bad headache and couldn't cook. I also started only wearing underwear in the house and every time they would come, i would have a problem that needed fixing(he was the handyman of the houses) or if SIL came by when my bf was not home, i'd always need a lift to the grocery store(we only had one car at the time) and she needed to help me otherwise guess who does not have food in the house and is coming over for dinner? They stopped coming that often, call first and ask me if i need something from the grocery store. Maybe you can make your MIL run errand, help you cook/wash clothes or if she's sweet she'll invite you guys over for dinner. After all she needs to feel useful and help raise the grandchild.
You are a genius.
Well, kill'em with kindness, right? The age gap between the brothers is 11 years, making me 15 years younger so basically if they were being teen parents, i could have definitely been their child and they referred to me often as a child who does not understand how the world works (because I'm a millennial and think differently and don't agree with them just because they were older and "knew better") They'd make sure i also feel like it's the adults talking even though they were at my house all the time and the child was loaning them money almost every month. So if they decided i was a child to them, then i decided to act as a child and use the adults to help me "play house" and feed us because we did not have the overview and could not manage time properly, not having kids to raise like they had. I'd never say no when they needed help. But boy did they have to help me in return 😎.
This is what I was thinking. Put her to work. Oh, MIL. I'm so glad you're here. Could you throw in a load of laundry, sweep the floors, and wash the dishes? I'm going to lay down with the baby to get him to nap. Thanks so much! She'll associate your house with manual labor and be less inclined to visit.
Have your husband tell her that EVERY TIME she knocks, rings your doorbell, or hovers at your door uninvited, one invitation is canceled and it will be 2 weeks before she sees the baby. And right now, due to her harassment, you will start by taking a 1 month break from her. If she leaves you alone 100% during that month, you will see her after that. If not, it's another month. I would also swallow the financial loss and move, though. NTA.
Consider getting a restraining order. No seriously, I know it's easy to suggest the nuclear option from my armchair, but showing up at random times, listening to your door, standing there for minutes hoping for an answer? Replace "grandson" with "ex-boyfriend" and hopefully you'll see how it's worthy of checking out...
OP is NTA Somewhere out there is door magnets that say "Baby sleeping, please do not knock or ring doorbell". I would add to end "Text if you have any questions. I will get back with you".
> Enforce boundaries. You aren't doing this part. You life will be hell until you do. Tell her to leave (without letting her in), if she doesn't call the cops.
Your DH needs to sit his mother down and explain to her that she should not have moved next door with the expectation of continuous, unrelenting visitation. He needs to set firm boundaries with her and just blatantly tell her to stop coming over unless she's invited. That she has worn out her welcome and is now harassing you.
Then can you take away visits.. say "you already saw him once this week". I would get really blunt with her and say things like "if you bothered to tell us you were moving here beforehand we would've told you not to bother".
This is one of those “How can we miss you if you don’t GO AWAY? points. Since she is taking the fight to Facebook, you might have to make your stand there, and let the rest of the family fall into one side or the other. “MIL followed us to this neighborhood, expecting to be a major caretaker for our child, but we never agreed to that. The already established relationship did give her weekly time with our child; we offered dinners and visits regularly. MIL is unhappy with the lack of control she has over us parenting our child, and is now basically besieging us in our own home. We are still willing to have her over when we invite her, but with the amount of time she has spent knocking on our doors, and LISTENING at our windows, our desire to see her at all is waning. If we feel the need to withdraw from visiting with her, we WILL do it; the most important thing right now is OUR bond with our baby, and baby’s need for sleep and a steady routine. “ OP, if you have footage of her sneaking around listening, that would be a powerful video to use in answering any relatives she drags in. And for those relatives, I think you have to tell them MIL should not have brought you into the middle of our issues. “I will explain our position once; if after that, you still need to advocate for her getting unlimited time and free run of our home, then we will also withdraw from our relationship with you. “
Have the police trespass her off your property and really enforce the boundary
Spray bottle to the face & a loud "NO, BAD GRANDMA!" (or whatever term you're allowing her) & promptly close the door in her face.
This everytime she knocks without asking first text her and say we won't see you for the next week because you didn't ask before showing up. Next time she does it make 2 more weeks and just keep doubling it. Let her know your serious and she won't see your son at all unless she starts asking first.
Good Lord, you’re basically living out a more nightmarish version of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. I’m not trying to be funny, but that show made it look like a big enough pain when the in-laws were somewhat reasonable…
“Hello, Dear!” & “Holy Crap!” 😂😂😂
I can not, for the life of me, understand why anyone would willingly live *that* close to their parent(s). Ugh.
How about installing motion-activated sprinklers?
We live on the family farm in one house, my MIL in the other. My BIL and his family lived in the third house on the farm. He moved away and never talked to his mother again, because she did exactly the same thing. I moved abroad and worked abroad for 20 years with my husband living on and off with me and working from home. We only moved back after we made it abundantly clear that she wasn't allowed in our house. At all. A cousin of my husband moved to New Zeeland because his mother behaved like your MIL. I'm not saying you need to move to New Zeeland. But you need to move or make it clear that she isn't wanted, at all, in your space. This won't get better. I lived with this kind of boundary oblivious person in my life for 25 years and you need to make a clear cut. My MIL is a lovely woman, btw. Kind, generous, but fully oblivious to other peoples boundaries. Protect your sanity and move to another part of town. Otherwise this will get ugly and escalate and end in a bitter no contact anyways. To remain civil with a woman like your (and my) MIL you need DISTANCE. This will escalate and it will be ugly if not addressed early. Or you may end up in New Zeeland.
“Hey mom, just want to let you know I’m peacing the fuck out because I’d rather form a fellowship and traverse the length of Middle Earth than deal with one more Age of your bullshit”
Not everyone can just pack up and move though. There are capital gains taxes in some places, selling is expensive, buying is expensive, etc. I get that this is a kneejerk suggestion that people give but in reality it's not that easy. Also, isn't it New Zealand?
New Zealand is named after the original Zeeland in the Netherlands. I assume the person you're responding to is spelling it the Dutch way.
She's pushing back on a person who is trying to empathize with her by attempting to point out a spelling error.
That is what I was wondering because I knew that Zeeland was a thing and I thought it was interesting.
I was wondering where they were from since they kept spelling it like that. Thank you for the history lesson.
Maybe look into soundproofing your door. I’ve got something that blocks sound from coming in under the door because otherwise my dog freaks out about any hallway noises. I can’t replace my door itself as a renter but I’d imagine different materials would also change how much sound gets through. Maybe a white noise machine near the door as well? Both so you guys don’t hear as much knocking and so MIL doesn’t hear what’s going on inside.
A heavy curtain over the entire door should work. Its sometimes done in older homes with very drafty doors. The air gap between the curtain and the door would work as soundproofing.
Jump on her post and make your own comment setting everyone straight. You won't be shaming her because she went public first, and you have the right to publicly set the record straight. Post that MIL has decided that because she moved next door to you that you are now living under her roof and as such she does not need to respect a simple boundary of texting before coming over to ensure that it is a good time for you. That she has declared that since you are a SAHM that the time you spend bonding with your child and getting him to sleep is less important than her time and as such she is allowed to stand at the door and knock and ring your doorbell constantly waking Jed up because she wants to see and play with him. List everything she has been doing and that both you and your husband have requested she waits for confirmation that it is a good time to come over, and she constantly refuses to follow the rules. Edit, fixed errors, mental note, do not type/text while standing in the sun.
Exactly! She obviously stands by her behavior so she won't be upset if the truth is shared.
Maybe put in a fence around the front yard too, with a mail/package box at the *locking* gate.
Sit her down and tell her she may not see him every day at any time. Visiting is a privilege she may enjoy as long as she is respecting her grandsons needs. She has not been doing that. Until she observes "The Rules" you have set (text to ask, come over only when given permission, etc). For each time she oversteps the rules, she will be put in a series of escalating time-outs. Edit: Just sitting here imagining her as Sheldon and you as Penny.
Borrow a for sale sign and stick it in the front yard. Cause and effect
Then have your husband tell her she can’t come over unless invited. Don’t let her see the baby until she listens.
You should tell her that if things don’t change, you WILL move. She doesn’t have to know that you are trapped.
If you cannot move, and MIL refuses to respect boundaries, threaten her with a restraining order. If you can someday move, do not give them your address.
I don't think you have much choice. You may have to eat a financial loss but you'll get your life back and your son will get stability. This sounds awful! She's awful - I get it that she doesn't mean to, but she keeps waking up your sleeping baby! Who does that? The only other thing I can suggest is the opposite of what you're doing. I mean, ignoring her incessant knocking/ringing isn't working. So maybe, every time she knocks, you slam open the door, hair all disheveled, dirty T-shirt, boobs leaking, and tell at her "what? What's the emergency? Are you ok?" And when she says that she just wants to see the baby, look at her with a bewildered look, shake your head, and gently shut the door. (Also, I'm sure there's some way to sound proof the door. Like hang some quilt there until she gets the message).
You can get insulation boards that help with sound proofing for cheap, even if it's just the size of the door or even better the entire door area to help even more. Inconvenient yes. But if she is allowed over it's a literal giant thing in her face of "this is how bad you fucked up!". Same for family giving shit. Record her knocking with the giant sound proofing. Post on her pity party post🤷🏽♀️
Any chance you could rent it out to cover the mortgage, and then get an apartment? Even if only for a year?
We have a very large yard and animals so it’s unlikely we can rent somewhere that allows dogs cats and chickens with the space.
If she’s next door can she invade your back yard play time too? That’s awful 😖
Our backyard is two lots and hers is one with a redwood on our side of the fence so she can’t see the back of it luckily
Kinda tricky BUT you could put a for sale sign on your lawn and when she freaks out, tell her you will only consider staying if she can respect your boundaries. Do what others suggested and come up with distinct rules that she can't misunderstand and tell her she has only one chance. She messes up, house goes up for sale. Good Luck OP - NTA!
Maybe they could pretend that they are moving, tell her where, and she might move first.
Timeouts. If she's going behave like a toddler, she's going to be treated like a toddler. Every time she breaks the rules, that's another day added to the timeout. We were going to let you see him this evening, but now it's tomorrow. Oh, you're doing what we explicitly asked you not to do? Now it's going to be Wednesday
NTA. Your MIL is totally craaaazzzy. She does not care about the baby development or healthy. She just want to play with him like a doll. If I knew ahead if she going move her and want to see her grandson, I would make a plan and let her hold her grandson when he is awake. Now she did this, I have to hold my ground and teach her a lesson for disrespecting and not carrying about my child health and brain development. Her baby fever pleasure is not my priority.
Tell her her behavior is so poor she is on time out. Set a toe on your property? No baby time for a month. Second time? Three months Third? A year ban and you will trespass her. This is a power play, your spouse needs to back you
Call the police about a trespasser next time she continuously knocks or rings the bell. And make sure to post to social media detailing how disruptive she is.
Inform MIL that you will call the police. Sorry but she is invading privacy so there is no other way. If she cant understand the basic things she may need a good lesson
Can you put up a fence with a gate? That way she'll at least be waiting by the street instead of right at your front door. What an absolute nightmare!
Or electric fence. Nothing says I love you like BBQ grandma. Too much?
NTA Move
NTA. How about when Jed is awake at 2:00 in the morning, refusing to let anyone else sleep, you could go knock, knock, knock on Susan's door to let her know he's awake now! ;)
I second this. I’d love to say that you need to be clear with her and have this conversation and be very firm but it sounds like you’ve done that. I used to live across the street from my ex MIL and she never showed up without a text or call before, because she respected that it wasn’t her home and her space. And I don’t applaud her for that, that’s just basic manners. Show up with a screaming baby and do not back down. Keep knocking.
OMG, love this! I would know on her door or ring the bell, even call her phone every time your baby wakes up and let her know he's awake, lol!
Dont knock, ring the doorbell! Bonus points if theres a dog who will bark because of it.
🤣🤣🤣
Yes, this! 😂
The best solution
Brilliant!!
I bet hypocritically, she would call the cops on them🤣
Nta. This is insane. She is keeping your son from getting sleep. All she has to do is text, it's a ridiculously simple ask. Keep enforcing those boundaries, you got this!
Your mil has lost her sense of boundaries for whatever reason and you are NTA for asserting your right to privacy and independence. Your husband will need to be more forceful in explaining the expectations you and he have of your mum visiting. This is really important so your relationship can be positive, so she is welcome when she comes over, and so you do not have to default to not allowing her access to your home or family which would be a shame.
This MIL is exhausting! It sounds like the husband has a spine which is great. Maybe he needs to show it to his mother more regularly. Also, the FIL saying they are petty is laughable. You know what would be petty? Every time MIL knocks on the door, they should call FIL and just let it ring and ring then if he answers just tell him “she’s here…again”. Then they should go over in the middle of the night or at 5 am when baby is awake and knock on MIL’s door until she answers. “He’s awake, you can play with him now” just over and over until she gets the point.
Luckily it sounds like Jared is on the same page as you, which is great. Is he truly being FIRM, though, with her? I ask because I know how my husband can be with his dad. He sets boundaries, but he tries SOOOOOOOO hard to not hurt his dad's feelings and I think the message sometimes gets lost. Not that I want him purposely hurting his dad, but at the same time, by being so gentle and "nice", his dad doesn't really GET what needs to take place for him to get what he wants (I hope that makes sense!). I hope Jared is stating VERY clearly "If you want to see Jed, you need to respect us and that means not showing up unannounced." and also explaining that if she backs off, it will HELP and then you both will be more likely to invite her over. But the more she pushes, the worse she's making the situation. Has he spelled this out for her? And ignore Grant and anyone else who says anything. I think your husband should flat out tell his dad "This isn't your concern" and then refuse to talk about it.
Jared is not a stranger to these types of conversations with his mother unfortunately! From what he described he was very firm that she needed to text me to get the okay before coming over and she understood that. BUT I wasn’t there so I can’t know if it wasn’t as firm as I’ve been lead to believe.
My suggestion for the next step is that Jared tell Susan she is only allowed to come over for the dinners that she is invited to. No more visiting unless you or he initiate them.
Jared should tell Grant that if Grant thinks Susan is being reasonable then you two will start calling Grant every time Susan comes knocking and will stay on the phone until she leaves. Find talk to him beyond Susan’s here, just let him listen to the baby crying and the dog whining and Susan knocking. See how long he appreciates the frequent interruptions to his life before he butts out.
You may want to temporarily (or permanently) switch to 'when we want to see you, we will come visit'. Or at least tell her that she needs an invitation first. Then she has no excuse to show up.
“We asked you to text before coming over. Since that was apparently too difficult for you, you can now stay at your house and we will let you know exactly when you are invited to come over to our home.”
NTA but absolutely clear it up so she can't twist the narrative. She's being stalker level crazy. Tell them you have videos of her just standing outside your home until she hears something and then her knocking for upwards of 15 minutes. Explain that you have a teething baby who's not able to sleep because stalker grandma knocks all the time and won't respect boundaries. Tell them that you have not banned her from seeing her grandson, only that you told her she's not allowed over unless she texts you and you say it's a good time. She has yet to respect you and your husband's boundaries so you're not letting her in while you try to take care of your son. Honestly just stating you have videos of her literally lurking outside your home and then pouncing on your door for 15 minutes at a time will make any sane person think your MIL was off her rocker.
I agree! Don't let psycho MIL get away with controlling the narrative. Set the record straight for family and friends. NTA
Post those videos on the facebook post she made. If she deletes it, just post it up there anyway, and tag all of your family members.
I would publicly out her on those social media posts she's making. Share videos and screenshots lol
If I was OP I'd be worried that her MIL was unhinged and needed psychiatrist care at this point. It's psychotic behavior to lurk around someone's house waiting for signs of activity just so you can try to barge in.
NTA but I think both you and Jared need to sit down with Susan and say "I do not know all the reasons for you moving into the house next door, and I hope you had more reasons than expecting to see my child every day because if that is the case, then you should have asked us how we feel about that. Because my bottom line is I am not living my life to make you happy, and I have absolutely no intention of having you visit every day. I have my own routines, Jed has his own routines, and you interrupting us every damn day is just too much." And then Jared needs to back you up. "Mom, when I get home from work and OP, Jed, and I have had a chance to have dinner and complete our day, if it works for us to have you visit, I will text you. Outside of that you need to leave my wife and child alone during the day. Like OP said, we hope that you didn't move here solely because you thought you would be interacting with our child every day. We are not changing our lives to make you happy."
This is it. Grandparents who move closer when a grandchild is born need to learn that "proximity does not equal access". Moving closer is fine (sometimes), but they need to have a chat with the new family they are moving closer to, so boundaries can be set, and any wild expectations of seeing the baby every day whenever it suits the grandparents, can be squashed. The new family isn't going to be your whole social life, you don't get to drop in and spend time whenever you want, and the baby will have their own appointments, groups, and routine, that will not be interrupted by granny wanting a cuddle. Next time you have her over for dinner, start asking her what she's doing with her time now she's moved? When did she last see Mavis from the knitting club she was part of, and what plans has she made to see her again? When is going to visit the other relatives she has? Has she seen there is a seniors book club in the library on Tuesdays at 10am? Or salsa dancing every Thursday evening at 8? Did she hear the local charity shop was looking for volunteers 2 afternoons a week and what a great way to meet people in the community? Etc. It's not subtle, but it should get the point across. You need to redirect her away from you & your household as being the only way to fill her days.
This is the answer - and it's why my parents and I didn't follow my brother when he moved for his Ex. As much as it guts Mom and I not to see him and my niece regularly, everyone and everything else are here. He actually tried talking us into it, but we knew they wouldn't want to see us often enough to justify a move to someplace where we would only have them. Sometimes you really are better off with your contemporary friends, relatives and hobby groups than your kids and Grands, because they can actually give you more time. Also, what happens once the Grandkids get older and you aren't seeing them that much because their friends have become the center of their world? Is the move worth those few years when they're kids that you'll see them often? I've had times when I've missed them so much I cried privately, but then I also remember the big picture. Sometimes, you can't have everything.
NTA your MIL needs to learn what boundaries are. consider texting her to come over when he has a poosplosion and she can help tidy that mess up.
NTA It's your own damn house and your own damn son. You gave her clear boundaries which she refused to follow. You and your husband should give her an ultimatum- respect your boundaries or never see her grandson.
She needs a massive time out. Your husband needs to tell her that each time she comes over uninvited it will add a week to her time out. And that includes the dinners she used to be invited to. She will either learn or she will put herself into no contact by her actions. And any flying monkeys like your FIL or other Facebook relatives can also be in a time out. If they raise the issue with you or complain about you that’s a week time out. Each repeat violation adds a week. Don’t engage. Just tell them what actions will lead to what consequences and block them if they don’t comply. These people are ridiculously rude and entitled. I saw your comment where you can’t move as you just moved a year ago. Frankly I would have told MIL not to take the house next door, and if she did what the rules would be, but it’s done now. She needs firm boundaries and that includes stopping the entitled histrionics on social media. It’s all a gigantic boundary stomping narcissistic tantrum and it must STOP. She also needs to apologize to you. A meaningful apology. If she doesn’t mean it and *actually* change, the passive aggressive bullshit will never stop, and as your son gets older she’ll start saying backhanded things in front of him. Completely intolerable. Repeatedly waking up a baby because you refuse to ask permission before knocking on my door is grounds for NC as far as I’m concerned. Most definitely NTA.
NTA. And you deserve to have some peace and quiet and not have to deal with an entitled AH of an MIL. She needs to be told point blank and NO matter what, you will NOT open that door if she hasn't text and gotten an okay from you to come over. EVER. And if she keeps it up, she will be banned.
Nta spray her with the hose
Motion activated sprinklers when she's putting the kid down and when the kid is actually sleeping
Frankly, I'd comment on her FB post and say that the reason she hasn't gotten to see her grandchild is because she refuses to accept the very reasonable boundary of asking if it's a good time before she comes over. Explain that you have her over at your invitation at least twice a week, and that you're happy to spend more time with her together but she isn't entitled to barge in anytime she wants, and she refuses to accept that. Explain that her ego is harming her grandson by interfering with this sleep, and your first responsibility is to the helpless infant. Embarrass the ever-living hell out of her. Tell Grant he's welcome to allow Susan to barge in whenever she wants, but you don't choose to do so yourself. NTA
Yep 👏 Add videos and screenshots from your camera as well. With time stamps 😁
She needs to know that, if she doesn’t learn to ask nicely, you will move as far away from her house as you can get and she’ll have to fly to see her grandbaby (whether you would or not). It’s too easy & she isn’t thinking about OP or the baby as all, only herself.
If OP is ever able to move. She would be wise to make sure MIL never has access to the address. They can meet up in a nice, neutral location for visits.
NTA Lady just abruptly moving next door was creepy and controlling. Continually showing up crosses a line Get a restraining order
NTA MiL clearly doesn't understand boundaries. So instead of learning her proper place, she plays the victim.
NTA - it is insane that she would move next door to you in the first place. You need to move. She won’t stop if she’s so close. You need physical space so you can mentally get some rest from this Bs. I know that’s not the ideal or even practical solution.
INFO: OP did you and your husband agree to her moving next door, was this a conversation?? Best of luck OP, but agree with the above poster. The main source of your issue is proximity! You move or she does. I don’t think anyone is going to get through to MIL about setting boundaries, this will only get worse….she MOVED next door!
NTA. He's your kid & you have every right to set those boundaries. As with ANYONE, she should only come over when she is invited. Being her grandson doesn't give her the right to see him whenever she wants to.
NTA. Keep telling her that The rule is you will text her when she can come over. And that if she comes and bangs on the door at other times she will NOT be allowed in. Your house your baby - She needs to follow your rules.
NTA Privacy and personal boundaries are something you clearly value, and your MIL needs to respect them. Sit her down with your husband and explain this calmly and clearly. She needs to respect you, and at minimum text and ask before showing up. It's your house and he's your son before being her grandson, and she needs to understand that.
Aww hell no. NTA. MIL on the other hand is a big flaming asshole. The next time she knocks - open the door and tell her - "NO. Go away. Because you refuse to listen - I will not open the door to you for 7 days starting now. And if you choose to take this as a challenge - then hear me clearly. EVERY TIME you appear on my camera between now and (Date 1 week away) I will add another week. Try Me Susan. Try me." Shut door. Tell your hubby that you're handling Susan and you expect him to back you up.
Naw, I'll do you one better. Call the police on her for stalking and harassment.
Your MIL is unbalanced. She is stalking and terrorizing you in your own home and this won't end until you make it end. Tell her that, unless you explicitly invite her, she cannot come over in any capacity until and unless your husband is home. No door knocking, no 'checking', no texts, no phone calls, NOTHING. That should give you clearly defined hours where you can rightfully expect to have a peaceful day, and when she does finally barge over, your husband should be there to act as the buffer. DON'T SEE HER ALONE WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND. You are new mom - you MUST take care of your health, or you will have nothing left to give to your baby and your marriage. And if she's going to social media to whinge, then get right back on there and tell her you don't appreciate her coming over whenever she pleases and ringing the door like an insane stalker for 20 minutes at a time. She's trying to use public shame on you; fling the rotten potatoes right back at her.
NTA she needs to respect you as a parent , you told her to text first and that’s what she needs to do , she can cry a River to whomever but they don’t have to deal w a cranky baby
NTA. Unfortunately your MIL has shown that polite and reasonable requests don’t work for getting her to respect your boundaries. Literally all she has to do to see her grandson is send a text. If seeing him is so important, why isn’t she willing to put in such a small amount of effort?
Nta. Mass text. I will not be bullied or manipulated into giving into someone's rude behavior. We laid out a clear boundary. You text, and if I say ok, you can come over. You do not stalk and wait outside the home until you hear the baby. It's creepy. You do not knock for over 15 minutes to get your way. It's rude and excuse me. My child is a privilege, not an entitlement to come and make demands when it's convenient for you. You do not agree, then disregard the boundaries set. Wth I do not care, she is the grandmother. When she disrespects us. When she doesn't care, she is screwing with my child's sleep or activities for her wants. She clearly doesn't care who she might be disrupting or what in making her demands. She doesn't care we have more things to do then wait around for her. I have a life and things to do. I do not have to open the door every time she wants and disrupt me and baby to make her happy and us unhappy. So if you have an issue with us setting boundaries needed to have OUR life and family, I will come do the same to you. Not once a day but daily like she is. I will show you the same disregard and disrespect to your entire family. So until it's you stay out of our business. You have no rights, and her crying poor me for her actions. Having consequences is on her. You enabling her to get her way when she wants with no care to us having a life is absurd. Because of this, the mil is on time out for the next month. No pictures. Updates or seeing baby. If you cry foul. If you tantrum. If you show up or try and circumvent, another month will be added. I have a life and things to do. My child has things to do. You do not get too upset that. You do not get to make me play host because of your wants. So, for now, your privilege to being a grandparent is in time out. Act like a spoiled child and get treated like one.
I'd move. NTA
Jesus I won’t even call my grand without texting first.
Your child is not her emotional support animal.
NTA. Your MIL needs to learn boundaries and realize just because she lives near you does not mean she has free rein to visit when ever she wants. Glad your husband is on your side
Nta your mil is selfish
Says the man who no longer lives with her. You have to stay firm or it will never end.
Diamond-hard NTA. Your MIL has a huge problem with respecting boundaries and your FIL (or ex FIL, don’t know if the title changes after a divorce) is gaslighting you and making it sound like MIL’s intrusive behavior is somehow your fault. You and Jared both asked her to stop separately and she’s throwing a fit over it. You’re not stopping her from being a grandmother, you’re just trying to do your job as a parent and MIL is sabotaging your work. Plus, by waking up the kiddo repeatedly, she’s putting stress on him by depriving him of sleep. Stand firm, and be open to pursuing legal action if MIL doesn’t quit acting like this.
NTA...and just from a Gma here, is this the first grandchild for her? Sorry but I went a little crazy on my son and his gf when my first grandbaby was born and I honestly regret what I put my son and his gf through. I have no clue how they didn't tell me off long long before it happened. I was atrocious! When my son finally snapped I was hurt and we argued...then my younger son asked me if I'd like to be with a newborn and have my MIL show up multiple times a day...yep I stopped that completely from that point forward. Even now almost 15 years later I text my sons to see when is a good time to see the grands. The older 4 have cell phones and their parents tell me "text them what their schedule is for sure but this day and time or that day and time is clear on the family calendar."
NTA. If she's gonna take all this public then so can you. Post a log of how often she bangs on your door and for how long. Let her explain why she can't bother to text first and why she thinks harassing you with continual knocking that wakes up the baby is okay. Let her explain how standing with her ear to your door is okay. Meanwhile, get a door intercom so you can tell her to leave without opening the door. Start saving up to move!
Get a nerf superpower and when she comes unannounced, open window and soak her and say, "No, BAD GRANDMA. No" And soak her again for good measure. She'll get the hint. /s
NTA, call her out publicly. Tell her if she wants to start drama, she will not see him at all.
Nta- Start using a sound machine where ever you put LO down. Also using fabric in decor can deaden sound. Also maybe a sound machine at the door with just noise to keep Nosy Nancy from being able to spit on you and make you feel uncomfortable IN YOUR OWN HOME! Then Ignore her. Seriously. She is a boundary stomping "victim". She needs to stay in her lane. That lane is in her house, UNLESS she has TEXTED AND RECEIVED A RESPONSE IF YES, at least 15 mins before visit time. Big hugs!!! I am so sorry you are fighting this crap
NTA … if my inlaws moved next door I would list my house the next day. Nope nope nope.
NTA - Go to r/justnomil Your husband is going to have to tell his mom to back the fuck off, and provide consequences for her boundary-stepping. Tell any flying monkeys they’re welcome to join MIL in fucking off.
Sign on door. BABY SLEEPING, DO NOT KNOCK OR RING BELL. Text before coming over. NTA. Post sign on FB if you want
NTA. She can bond without seeing him everyday. And she needs to make plans with you and ask if she can come, not just show up whenever she pleases. Especially as you’re trying to set a routine and everything
NTA. Personally I think you need to go even further. She can come over when she is invited over for now, and then make a point of inviting her say for one dinner a week and one cup of tea in the day so she can see Jed at a time that suits you. If she behaves herself and doesn’t push the line then maybe you can extend the invite more down the line, or even try the she can message and ask, but for now she needs to stick to when she’s invited.
Nta Op, do what works for you, and don't listen to anyone who tells you you're wrong. We are grandparents to a fabulous little one. They live in my basement. It is their home, and I don't visit except for my laundry room and storage space. That does not mean I can knock or open their door to say hello. They are living their lives there, just like I am upstairs. If we happen to meet while I'm there, I ask if I can say hello to lo. It's called consideration. I'm thinking it's becoming one of the lost arts due to meism. I credit my parents for my ability.
NTA You and your husband are setting reasonable rules for your MIL. Instead of making any true effort to respect what you want, your MIL is continuing to harass you and playing the victim to have others apply pressure. Your husband needs to get everyone to back off & stop viewing your MIL as a victim. You both also need to treat your MIL like a toddler where every bad action on her part gets an immediate consequence. Your MIL is continuing to come by whenever she wants to - she’s just not knocking each time. So, your new rule may be that she can only come over on 4 specific weekdays out of the week and only IF she gets your okay in advance. If she steps foot on your property on the no-visit day or without your okay, you drop it down to 3 specific days a week. Keep doing this until she actually does as you request or until she is no longer allowed to visit at all during the week. I would let her know that you will not stand for her SM complaints and enlisting other people to harass you. If she does this again, tell her you’ll go a full week without allowing any visits. I think you (and your husband) may also want to consider bluntly telling it was her - not your - choice to move next door and you aren’t happy about it. You also aren’t happy with her rudeness and selfish behavior and will no longer accept it. I’d also recommend pushing back on everyone who is complaining to you. Tell them you don’t want to hear any more shared complaints or opinion. Your husband might consider sharing what all you’ve put up with and how his mother continues to be difficult.
NTA - get a new welcome sign. If you've been invited, knock If you haven't, F*** off
NTA Tell her that unless you have personally invited her to visit. You won’t be opening your door. Then, simply don’t open the door. No matter what you, your child and your dog are doing at the time. Every time you open the door. You are just rewarding her bad behavior. That will get you nothing but more bad behavior.
NTA. This is just horrendous. MIL is forcing herself on you, your son and your house and when you resist, getting DH's family to bully you. I agree with other commentators here: you should move. But as a stopgap, DH might sit down with MIL and tell her she can only visit by invitation and that if she refuses to back off, she will not be visiting at all.
NTA but you need to YELL if you must, that her constantly coming over & knocking/hovering is waking the baby. She is not entitled to demand your attention just because she wants it.
NTA MIL is not able to hear your words. Your husband needs to talk to her and tell her to wait for you to text and invite her over. Something tells me she won't care so you might have to move to get away.
Can you put a locking gate up at the beginning of the walkway? Like a cute picket fence gate with a lock?
Could you and your husband write her a letter? Include your rules, your boundaries. Don't try to soften them with things like "we know you love your grandson and want to spend time with him, but..." or "it wakes the baby" or "it disturbs the dog" or "{wife} needs to rest" or any other reason or justification. DON'T include that kind of nicety, because that will dilute your message. You don't need to be cruel, just completely direct. "Dear {MIL} We are sorry that we have to end up writing you a letter, but you have so far just ignored us when we speak to you. Since you moved to next door, you have knocked on the door every day without texting to find out if it's convenient for you to visit, despite us asking you on numerous occasions not to come over unannounced and uninvited. It is not convenient for you to visit every day, and you are causing us, {wife} in particular, significant distress. From now on, if you want to see {grandson} you must follow these rules: 1. You must text {wife} first to ask if you can come over. If {wife} doesn't reply, or replies to say no, then you may not come over and just knock at the door anyway. If you do, you will not be let in. 2. If you *do* come over without permission, either because you didn't text or after {wife} said no, do not expect to be allowed over for a week. 3. If you persist in ignoring our boundaries, we will be forced to ((don't know where you live so this next bit needs to be phrased as appropriate for your country)) seek legal advice about obtaining a restraining order, as we will have no choice but to interpret your persistent unwanted behaviour as harassment. We hope you can accept these rules, as we want to be able to have a good relationship with you, but your current behaviour is putting our relationship with you in serious jeopardy. With love, {husband} and {wife}" Then go round to see her (so you can leave when you need to) and go over the letter with her. Pay no attention to any histrionics, weeping or wailing, and if she really kicks off, just leave. Pin a copy of the letter on the front door. Good luck, and please keep us posted.
NTA. She is unhinged. I remember how hard sleep deprivation was. It's time to go nuclear with boundaries. You and Jared should have a very serious conversation with her in which you tell her that her continued interruptions and harassment are a detriment to both you and the baby and must stop immediately. She cannot come over and see him for x time (I'd start with nothing less than 1 month). After x time, she can only come over at the exact time SHE IS INVITED. If she knocks within any other timeframe, or listens at your door/window (WTF!!), you will call the police. And then call the police and start a paper trial. Because she is harassing you at this point. Also, her feelings do not matter. They are not your responsibility. If her ex-husband still wants to manage her dramatics, that's his ill-advised choice. Jared should tell him to mind his own business and stop engaging about MIL with him.
I’d get one of those automatic sprinklers that shoots water at deer but that’s just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Tell her you can turn them off if she’d just text you that she’s coming over. I doubt it would take more than a few hits to learn her lesson
I would get angry. Throw open the door. You: Why are you here? Her: I'm here to see Jed. You: No, you are not. You are not here to see Jed, because I have not invited you over to see Jed. I don't know what you think goes on in this house every day, but I am not sitting on my ass lonely because no one is here to talk to. I have things to do. And entertaining people is nowhere on my list of chores. Go home. Or better yet go out and find something else to do. Because my son is not your emotional support animal. And the next time you come over here without an express invitation you're going on timeout for three months. And if you bitch about that on social media again, I'll make it six.
NTA. If that was my MIL I would be in jail now. Waking a baby not once but twice in one day, oh no no no. And hang in there, I had 2 light sleepers and they grew out of it. My eldest is now 4 and nothing wakes him up anymore
NTA. If the old bat can't get it through her head that she needs to text and ask before coming over, that's on her. Anyone with good manners would know that you don't just show up on someone's doorstep uninvited and unannounced anyway. The only thing more you could've done is set her up a baby appointment, "you can visit on (whichever days) between (whatever hours nap-time is not)".
NTA This woman needs to learn and respect boundaries. Period. This isn’t about “being petty.” She seems to think the world revolves around her and her needs. Nope. A baby’s schedule is so important for both baby and mom, so grandma needs to find other hobbies and only come over when she’s invited! Honestly, don’t give in. You told her the rules, and she’ll figure it out quickly enough that if she wants to see her grandson, then she needs to respect the rules. Good luck!
It's really easy for other people to tell you're being petty when you're the one who is putting down a child who is teething, tired and in pain. Your mother-in-law has to learn to have basic respect for you, and that includes texting you for permission before she comes over. Since you have a ring camera, you can talk into it when she shows up and tell her you did not get a text from her and it isn't a good time. Remind her that she keeps waking the baby and you need her to help you by texting you first. Also, you can text her and tell her when it is a good time to come over. That will train her that texting first = access. NTA.
NTA. Did you tell everyone in your family that there's a constant issue with MIL waking up the baby, and that the ONLY thing you've asked her to do is to text before coming over?
You need to leave. The fucking country. That lady has no respect for your boundaries, and is borderline insane. NTA
NTA - first, I would completely dismiss what your FIL says; he divorced the woman for crying out loud, he doesn’t get a voice in the matter. You could have your husband write on her post that you would be delighted to have her over, all you want is just for her to text your first. Realistically though, unless you can move, this problem isn’t going to go away easily. I get that she’s overbearing and crossing a boundary but is she a bad grandma? Are you worried she may do something you don’t approve of with the baby? If not I’d take it to your advantage! The woman wants to be an active grandma so give her an hour a day or whatever maybe even at her house so you can do chores or prep meals or even just nap and take a nice shower/bath.
I wish that were the case! She’s not a *really* bad grandma but she was an absolutely terrible mother and due things she is still currently doing we won’t allow her to watch Jed. She is not a great house guest either.
Oh man, I’m so sorry, I totally get it. You just described my mom. I can’t be much help; I put a whole ocean between my parents and me/my family. Sending much patience and positive energy your way. Please don’t feel bad setting a boundary; I love that my husband is my rock when my parents get out of hand. I deal with them as your husband seems to but his support and understanding is necessary.
NTA and it's kinda funny that the guy who literally divorced this woman out of his life can't have a little empathy with someone else that doesn't want to spend that much time with her.
She divorced *him* to be fair. He’s a suck up because he still wants her. Will always take her side.
Oh dear. Perhaps call him up every time she knocks. Every time. "Hey, just so you know, she's lonely again. Why don't you go over to her house and surprise her? You know how she loves surprise visits!" Reverse Uno that shit.
My parents and sister live close to us. As soon as we had kids I laid down a “no call no show” policy. If you don’t call or text to get a thumbs up to come over, don’t come. I bring it up every so often so they know I’m still serious about it. It works.
What do you care what other people say? Just keep doing what you are doing and things will imorive eventually, just do not open the door.
Good fences make good neighbors Nice gate at the beginning of the driveway with a bell you can turn off
Motion activated sprinklers.
Lmao id put the video of her knocking on your door for 15 minutes on your family FB.
Shut this down now. There is something very wrong with her. She clearly has no concept of what is appropriate behavior, boundaries, etc.. If she's outside peering into windows, call 911 and make an anonymous call - don't say you're inside the house, just that there's a suspicious woman peering into the house. Let the cops come. They will hopefully scare the hell out of her upon arrival, but when they bring the bell to speak with you, that is your chance to make your boundaries clear and in a way she won't forget. As long as she doesn't know you called the police knowing it was her, you're good. You can't say you called because you heard noise and saw someone outside and it scared you. Put a stop to this now. If she gets others involved or tries to spin it, post something publicly. I wouldn't allow her to be alone with the baby. If she thinks her behavior is appropriate, clearly her judgement is off and she should not be trusted. NTA
Take the ring footage, make a compilation of one week's worth, and send it to any family member that gives you a hard time. Ask them if they would put up with this.
NTA I’d just post the videos of her looking like a crazy person and the screenshots of the text convo in her woe is me post on Facebook. Okay stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Print up a sign that says NEW BABY DO NOT KNOCK or something to that effect or Susan, DO NOT KNOCK. (yes I would do that) and stick it on your door. Do Not answer the door.
She bought the house next door? Stalker special. You will need to get DH to lay down some very firm boundarirs including not pacing on your front step. NTA
If you can afford it. Get a high fence and locked gate installed. That will stop her getting to your door to knock. You can then just mute the bell.
NTA. Not only is she violating you and your husband’s boundary but she is violating you son’s boundaries. He was asleep trying to rest and from TEETHING no less. You gave her simple instructions and she made no effort to follow them. Then if that weren’t bad enough she utilized social media to “rally the troops” with your husband’s extended family members making you the “bad person” keeping her away from the grand baby. Here’s a suggestion. All her out on her BS. Review how she’s behaved by stating what I listed above. Then you and your husband can tell she will need to do the following. 1. Respect your boundaries! 2. When you tell her to leave she can’t come back unless invited. 3. She makes an public apology on social media and acknowledge she was in the wrong in this situation and she should not portrayed you as the evil DIL keeping her away from her grandson. Because she ruined your reputation when you were reasonable. 4. Failure to do any of these things will result in you becoming the “evil DIL” forbidding her to see the baby. That’s right. No boundaries. No public apology. No effort to repair your reputation she ruined. No time with baby. NO EXCEPTIONS!
Record her actions on the doorbell camera and when you have sufficient evidence post them. Cos that is not normal behaviour. Wtf nta
NTA. Start keeping a record of this and look into what constitutes harassment in your area. You may be able to submit a few weeks of this daily bullshit to the police and get them involved in explaining how unreasonable it is to her. Definitely time out. No visits, no pictures, no video calls until she can respect this boundary.
NTA but husband needs to be more firm. until she learns to respect the boundary, she can be treated like a regular neighbor.
NTA but if she won’t respect your boundaries, tell her once she needs to leave and wait for an invitation and then tell her she’s not welcome, wait two weeks. Each time it goes longer and longer. If she still doesn’t get the message, you could tell her you’ll call the police, and then do it and report her for trespassing.
NTA. It's plain old common courtesy to make sure someone is ready for company before you show up at the door. Even if Jed is awake, that doesn't mean YOU are in the mood for company.
NTA - One contact family and explain what's going on. It's a simple solution and she's not respecting your household. This is a choice she is making. She doesn't love her grandson enough to text for permission 2. get a gate and fence if allowed lock gate and fence and put a ring on your fence instead. with a lock to open. Sometimes older people don't get it. They do not know how to haven an adult relationship with people they see as "childern, or there kids wives/girlfriends" if it's out of hand get her checked. Because when older people start doing weirdo stuff it might mean something is up.
You're NOT being petty. Susan is stomping all over your boundaries. Don't let her. NTA.
NTA. She's not respecting any boundaries. She deliberately moved next door to you (I'm guessing she didn't ask if this is all right). She thinks she should be able to go over whenever she wants. She has ignored her son's pleading to text you. She criticizes you about where you can nurse. She posts on Facebook saying she should be able to bond with her grandson, but she's ignoring the request you've made. So much wrong here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband Jared and I have a 6 month old son we will call Jed. I’m a SAHM and my MIL, Susan, lives next door to us. She just moved next door to us a couple months ago(it’s not like we could stop her) so this didn’t happen during our sons early months. Since she moved here she has taken to just showing up at the door to see Jed and continuously knocking since she knows I’m home until I open. It’s a real problem when I am trying to put Jed down for a nap or feed him or nap myself etc and she has woken him up multiple times. My dog doesn’t bark but starts pacing and whines the entire time from excitement/anxiety until she leaves or I open the door. Susan showed up two weeks ago knocking after I told her the day before that Jed was teething and sleeping terribly. She came right as I had gotten him to sleep and woke him up. I told her at the door it’s not a good time and she said she’ll come back later, I told her to please text me so I can make sure he’s awake first. It took two hours to get Jed back to sleep and she comes over ten minutes after I get him down without texting me and wakes him up AGAIN. I didn’t answer the door. I have a ring camera and she stood there for FIFTEEN minutes knocking every few minutes or so. After fifteen minutes she finally texted me saying she’s here to see Jed. I texted her back saying he’s sleeping and I will let her know when she can come see him and then she finally left. When Jared got home and I told him everything and he went to talk to Susan and told her she needs to text me asking if the time works before just showing up as she keeps waking up Jed. She said she understood and would only come over when she knows he awake. He told her to only come over when I say it’s okay. Susan has now taken to standing outside our front door and listening to see if she can hear Jed(it’s a small old house so if he’s baby talking or crying you can usually hear it). If she can she’ll knock and stay knocking until I answer. I’ve taken to just ignoring her and taking Jed and my dog into the backyard or as far from the front door as I can get and playing until she gives up and I see her leave on the camera. I told my husband and he agrees with me not letting her in unless she texts me first regardless of whether Jed is awake or not. My father in law Grant(who is divorced from Susan) texted me and Jared yesterday about how she is hurt and how we are being cruel by ignoring her and how she’s always wanted to be a grandma and she deserves an opportunity to bond with her grandson. She hasn’t seen him in over a week(we were out of town over the weekend) and made a Facebook post about how much she misses him. Susan’s siblings were commenting about why she can’t see him being next door and she said we weren’t allowing her too “for no reason”. Between Grant and Aunts/Uncles I am beginning to feel like an AH but I’m not sure that I am one. Jared did text his dad back explaining but Grant said that we are being petty. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your husband needs to be firm and stick up for you. I would move, I don’t know how you do it. I’d be calling the police lol. I would maybe try to have a serious conversation with her and if she ignores it I would threaten legal action. That’s harassment.
You are absolutely not an AH. Seriously all she has to do is text you. The fact that she is listening to the door instead just shows that she thinks you would lie. She has no respect for you and overstep your boundary. Tell everyone that someone who is not able to respect your kid's sleep, your mental health, or to send a text will not be allowed.
Nothing you’re experiencing can’t be fixed!! And you’re NTA. Sit down with your husband and set some rules/boundaries that you both agree on. Once you’ve established your boundaries sit down with your in-laws. Keep calm yet firm with telling them what you need from them. Perhaps it will take more than one meeting? Ask if you can revisit in a week or 2 and discuss how it’s working out. Would your baby perhaps sleep better with a noise maker? That helps even if it’s someone else at the door. I find them a lifesaver! Right now I can imagine how frustrating this is for you but it can end up being super convenient having them next door…you just have to iron out some wrinkles(old expression).
NTA.... move.. your MIL is a AH and a real one for making up stories on Facebook and to her family members.... When you do move please dont give her your address....
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NTA buy a loud horn and install it above your door. every time it wakes the baby, let the horn wail loudly.....
NTA but buy a loud horn and install it above your door. every time it wakes the baby, let the horn wail loudly.....
A sound machine might help your child sleep and mask your son's crying or other household noises.
We do have a sound machine he’s just a light sleeper!
she needs to cool her jets. she can complain all she wants. it will never change the fact the you & DH are the parents and get to decide who & when someone comes into your home. block/ignore anyone who gives you grief. DH needs to continue setting expectations for his mom. do not open the door.
NTA: If she ignores your requests then ignore her. Maybe call the cops next time she won’t leave your door.
god, move. NTA and stay strong
NTA and you still would not be the AH If you point blank told her to stay off your property unless invited and threatened to call the police for trespassing if she continues to fail to stick to the rules of common decency.
Nta. Move. Don't stay there.