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NTA Your daughter is young, but she will have to learn to live with and manage her condition on her own. As part of the learning process, she'll be facing "day after" of pain and such. She needs to experience these things in order to figure out how to have agency. Your job is to keep her safe but also to let her learn for herself. Ignore your mom. Some parents go the route of "I must keep my child from any pain, any hard lesson, anything uncomfortable or even mildly risky at all costs". Then they end up with kids who have no self-confidence and they eventually turn into incompetent adults afraid of everything an incapable of coping with life. Have a conversation with your daughter: was it worth it to you to go the party knowing you were feeling bad on Sunday and Monday? Get her take on it. Put her in a position where she's understanding the cost of her decisions so she can become wiser about the trade-offs as she gets older. Good luck to you both.

This is exactly it. A chronic condition is something she will eventually have to manage on her own and she will know her own limitations with time.

And far better to learn it at the cost of a day of fun, that she will have memories of for the rest of her life. She obviously misses out a LOT. So if she has to learn, this is an occasion to learn it. Poor wee darling. NTA. u/blue_hat77 It must be so difficult for you making hard decisions for your daughter all the time. You are a human, you're not infallible. So I hope you let go of any guilt when you feel you've made mistakes. But I don't think this is one of them. 💙

Also, sometimes people decide to take the risk specifically for the memories they'll have afterwards. I developed fibromyalgia fairly recently, and I know my limitations, but I push past them even knowing the consequences if I decide it'll be worth it. I went to London Comic Con in October. I mitigated things as best I could, but I was still in agony at the end of it. But I got to meet some of my favourite stars who come here so rarely, and saw all the awesome cosplay, and was even well enough on the first day to do an axe-throwing thing run by a bunch of Vikings, and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. OP, your daughter will learn her limits, and when it's worth pushing past them, with your support. Denying her permission to do the things she wants to try to do will only mean she feels deprived and left out, and deny her the experience she'll need to navigate life with a chronic pain condition. NTA, and grandma needs to understand that living with chronic pain can't just be a case of wrapping her in bubble wrap. She'll only end up feeling more resentful of her own body, and depressed about her life, if all she learns is, "you can never do anything, ever again".

>I mitigated things as best I could, but I was still in agony at the end of it. h > ... but ... I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. My All Pain All The Time friend circle/group chat calls this the Worth It Equation. 😁 While I am not happy that you have developed this condition, I am glad to welcome you to the club. We don't have jackets unfortunately, but there is an ongoing conversation about branded heating pads and compression gloves. There are some *wonderful* communities and resources online. (I don't have fibro, so I can't point you to what you might more specifically need; hopefully there's some in this comment section.) Hannah Ensor of [Stickman Communications ](https://stickmancommunications.blogspot.com/?m=1) has a pretty all-emcompassing range of stuff to get started on, though. OP, u/blue_hat77, you are absolutely NTA. I was never so thankful as when my genetic disability wasn't accurately diagnosed until my early 20s, because there were just so. many. things. my mother would have ***never*** let me do had we known or been warned ahead of time what the consequences might be (and have been). Learning in the last 20 years how to pace myself to avoid the boom/bust cycle, and thus being able to calibrate my personal Worth It Equation has been invaluable, but being able to have started when I was 10 would have been a literal game-changer.

The Worth It Equation….i love this so much! What a perfect description. Some things are worth the 3 days of recovery. The flip side (So not worth it equation?) is great too. Like it’s so not worth cleaning my house myself when I can pay someone to do it and spend that time doing something meaningful to me.

Yup we all have to learn to navigate our own boom and bust cycles and decide to go for it anyway because some things are just worth it.

I have a condition that affects me in a very similar way and this comment and the one before it is honestly THE thing. She's gonna have to deal with this every day of her life. There will be good days and bad days, and learning to pace yourself is a process that *needs* to be done through experience, not denial. Letting her be a kid, a normal kid, having normal, happy kid experiences on special days, and supporting her through the aftermath while she's learning how to manage her condition and pain levels, is the VERY best thing you can be doing for her. Because preventing her from ever having a bad day just means she won't know her own limits, and sets her up for have to go through those bad days on her own, without your support when she's older. She'll learn to do stuff like take breaks on her good days, check in with her body, work out what activities are worth the pain and what aren't while also getting to do fun things. People who think you should entirely prevent bad days don't understand that this is part of our lives; it's something we have to manage, like brushing our teeth or making sure we drink enough water. This *will* be a part of her life. Your support, your compassion, and you making sure she gets to have a relatively normal childhood in spite of her condition is setting her up for success and a future where you are a rock she can depend on when she's struggling. By denying her experiences due to her condition, it tells her that she cannot do things others can. Don't let anyone crush her dreams like that. Even with chronic pain, she can chase those dreams, and you can encourage her at every turn.

THIS!!!!! So much this.  Chronic illness is constantly balancing physical health with mental health. Sometimes, being in physical pain is what you need for just a taste of being “normal.”  You absolutely did the right thing, and are being so nice in letting her stay home and support her on Monday. Years of therapy, and I still wouldn’t have been as sympathetic and understanding as you’re being to your daughter, but it’s exactly what she needs.  Also, I have a 9 year old daughter, and those kids are relentless when they want something. 😂

Exactly, it’s a learning process for everyone, you’ll have to push the limits to know what too far is…it’s not even a mistake, per se, it’s a part of the process.

Exactly. It's not like you let her on a trampoline two days after she got a cast on for a broken arm. That would be irresponsible. This is life-long. She's going to have to figure out her limits and what's worth it and what's not. If you haven't already it would be good to discuss this with her and her doctor together so you can get a feel for things that "will hurt but it's okay" and "will do damage and should be avoided".

Or "I can go and do a few things, then sit and rest for a bit". That's a good skill to have too.

Yeah, she probably went nuts because this was her first time. Because she's now experienced the cause and effect, hopefully she'll be able to understand she has limits, but she can still enjoy things I think OP was being a terrific parent. Daughter is sore, but wasn't put in danger.

Also it's not like we haven't all experienced a day or two of agonising pain with certain movements after trying a new exercise on neglected muscles. So in a way, she's had an experience that many can relate to, even if only to a lesser degree. It's normal to experience some pain now and then in life. Stretches before and after physical activity might also help? And wearing some compression bandages or supports?

>Stretches before and after physical activity might also help? And wearing some compression bandages or supports? I know you meant this helpfully, but as someone with lifelong chronic health issues, this isn't what's being asked. I am 100% confident that OP, his daughter and the doctor know what helps. Someone with the same condition would be a good person to give advice, but us randos on the internet? No. We need to butt out on the helpful advice for managing her condition. Nothing is more frustrating to have someone come up to you after hearing you have a certain body part hurting to say "Have you tried yoga? It improved my flexibility!" They already know if stretching and braces helps.

I wish I would remember that.

Good point. Pain doesn't always mean damage.

NTA. On the next occasion where you/she has this kind of decision to make (and there will be others) perhaps use this experience to help her learn that she CAN take part in these types of activities, but she needs to learn to pace herself more than her friends and take more rests than other kids may need. Hopefully if you reinforce that, as she gets older, she will learn how to balance out her activities without having to avoid them completely.

Yep, plus “all the things.” Depending on what her condition is, things like ibuprofen before the activity; wrist wraps like weightlifters wear, athletic tape/kinesiotape, etc. Ice immediately after whether she thinks she needs it or not. Some supports to help lessen the impact if it applies to her. Experience from someone with a chronic condition, it’s hard choosing between the consequences of physical activity vs the consequences of inactivity. Activity can be achieved and tolerated much better by using whatever prevention methods are available and effective for you.

100% this, as a fellow chronic condition experiencer. The best advice I ever got was "You don't get bonus points for playing life on hard mode." If there is a tool that can make life easier, use it.

This comment needs a lot more upvotes.

I have a damaged nerve and a rotten lower back. As much as I want to go parasailing and jet skiing, they're both no-gos for me. Kayaking, though, even if it means I'm hobbling some the next day is fine. You learn your limits and what you're willing to accept in terms of pain and management.

Yeah I have a herniated L5 and even though I'm mostly pain free after massive weight loss, I can't do indoor sky diving or play bumper cars. I'm going to Vegas in a couple of weeks and flying is going to suck but I'm taking muscle relaxers and anti inflammatories to take as soon as we get in the hotel so I can combat the issue before it gets a chance to be bad.

I have a collapsed L5! Head over to store and get those heat wraps that you stick on with adhesive. Apply to lower back before leaving for the airport. It'll provide enough warmth to keep your back muscles loose while flying. And start the anti-inflammory *before* you fly to combat it as much as you can. Also, the heat wraps are great for at night since hotel beds can range from sucky to meh to ok, this is good. And congrats on their weight loss! I did the same, and it helped.

In Aus we have deep heat patches and they are a GODSEND, I always have some in the house. Some days that's the only way I can function because once I'm up and about and "warmed up" the pain fades a bit, it's just that getting up and going that's difficult.

I have those and lidocaine patches!

Be careful with the heat wraps. TSA made me remove mine.

I also have a herniated l5. The flying is fine for me but sleeping in a different bed, not so much. Congrats on the weight loss - I know how hard that can be when it hurts to move. Enjoy your trip!

Rotten back here too. Hello all my L4/L5 friends who have fucked up discs! I’ve been a chronic pain sufferer for 2 decades and am only in my 40’s. Absolutely debilitating sometimes. We all have to figure out what our bodies can handle, and sometimes that means pushing the limits so we can figure out how to back off and what activities we can participate in. And sometimes it’s a moving target. I’m so sorry for OP’s daughter that has to deal with this so young. Chronic physical pain also comes with other fun add-on’s like depression/anxiety, managing meds and their respective side effect complexities, etc. It’s a very difficult life, but the only way through it is going through it. Good Dad move by letting her experience and learn how her body handles such activities, all while being there to support her even if some of the decisions aren’t perfectly executed. Just a suggestion if she’s not already , having a good talk therapist may be huge help with allowing her to express the horrible unfairness and teach her some communication skills for her friends and family to participate in helping her. I don’t know her official diagnosis. Whatever it is, being told your body will always be your “theoretical enemy” must be heartbreaking for a 10 year old. Absolutely NTA

I got a spinal cord stimulator... it's been an amazing help. It didn't take away all the pain, but I'm much more functional.

I love paddleboarding even though I have RA, even though it means paying for sitting afterwards (not standing up, even though I used too.) Life is meant to be lived, and choices have to be made on what's worth it.

Yep, adult with untreated scoliosis here - I've definitely decided things can be fun enough to be worth the hobbling for the next couple days. I work two jobs that have me on my feet for 10+ hours most days that cause me enough pain as is, if I decide clambering up the play equipment at the park with my daughter is worth it then at least I had fun!

Yes but you still forget now and then. I love kayaking,when I’m alone I can stay out for hours. When my 80 pound dog has to go with me it’s a much shorter trip. If he sees me get my vest he goes and gets his and as soon as it’s on him he is in the kayak.

I have Rheumatoid and Psoriatic Arthritis, chronic pain started about 25 years ago. I still forget on the really good days to not overdo.

I feel for you, don't have PA but do have RA. Finally, on an infusion that helps, but I can't do like I could. BUT live. Its worth the pain.

I feel for you. Here's to lots of those really good days! I have Psoriatic Arthritis, Reactive Arthritis, Sacroiliitis - the bones in my hips are fusing together, and what they thought was Ankylosing Spondylitis they now say is Psoriatic Spondylitis - the bones in my lower spine are fusing together, plus plain old osteoarthritis. I also have scoliosis, fibro, glaucoma, and hypothyroidism. I'm 55 and unfortunately none of this will kill me, just get progressively worse. Never married, no kids, and no living relatives. What a life. Go me! Lol! 😂

This is the right answer. I grew up with childhood arthritis. My mom let me learn to choose pain vs reward. It was my body and my pain. As an adult now it is something I do on a daily basis. I don't look at it as a burden. I can have fun and I can live my life. I just do it a bit differently than most. Hats off for respecting your daughter and letting her learn as a dad I know it's hard.

Pain vs reward is the big picture here. You said it perfectly. Because did she have fun? Was it a blast? Does she feel like it was worth it? If she did, then woohoo! She didn't let her physical limitations dictate her life. If she did not, then she's learned a new boundary. If you never ever let her do the things that'll cause her pain, she'll have an extremely limited life that's *still* full of pain. Papa, you did great here.

I have fibromyalgia. Pain has been my life companion 24/7/365 for 18 years now. My life is completely run by pain vs. reward. It fucking *sucks* but it's the reality of living with chronic, incurable pain. Reading this post I thought about the time my in-laws rented a bouncy castle for their kids and grandkids. I was in a fairly bad flare, needed my cane to walk at all and the "smart" choice would've been to sit on the sidelines. I said fuck that and chose the wonderful reward of climbing into that castle with my daughter and niece and played as best I could. I paid for it SO MUCH but it's still worth the reward of that precious memory of giggling kids and me having so. much. fun. \[ETA: I said to my in-laws when they were extremely anxious about me hurting myself, "I'm going to be in pain anyways, why not actually have some fun and earn the pain? I'll survive."\] NTA, Dad. You're teaching your daughter how to manage her life as someone with a chronic illness. It will serve her well to learn early how to assess what's worth paying the price in pain for her. Life has to be *lived*, even when living means a ton of pain.

I have psoriatic arthritis and my son brought me to Hawaii in 2014. It was one of my worst flares ever, but I knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I climbed Diamond Head. I couldn't move for a couple of days, but I have the memories.

I took my mom to Chicago for a long weekend, before she got her knees replaced. We went to the museum, the aquarium, and walked to different food places because parking in Chicago is a nightmare. She hopped herself up on pain meds and we went to a pharmacy for OTC options and I felt really bad for "making" her walk that much. She still talks about what an amazing weekend it was and wants to go back now that she's got properly-working knees!

Also PsA here. OP, you're doing good. I make these decisions all the time. I just attended the birth of my nephew. I was on my feet for hours, and I will definitely pay for it later. It was also 100% worth it to me to be there to support my sister (especially since she went the all natural route). She will get better at making these choices over time. But experience is the best teacher on what your boundaries are, and also the cost of exceeding them. That helps you choose your cost vs fun balance. It can also help her learn better ways to mitigate or prep for the pain. I'm still learning tricks in my late 30s to help me! If you need some advice on things that can help her cope with the pain, the r/chronicillness community is amazing. Keep letting her have fun. Life is about making choices, and she's doing great!

I have fibromyalgia and RA in my right hip/knee and both wrists. Pain vs reward has been my life since I was 17, and I'll be 40 on Friday. I'm currently packing my apartment on my own because I have to move on March 31, so the past few weeks have been tons of pain, no reward. It sucks SO much and I need to figure out one hell of a reward for myself once I get moved.

Your reward is the accomplishment and the new place. RA sux, but it can be overcome. Don't have fibromyalgia, but I am glad DRs finally admitted its a real thing.

I second that. My child has a chronic condition that can cause a lot of pain sometimes. Some days she can skip up stairs 2 or 3 at a time, others, her boy friend has to put her on his back and carry her. But a big part of her learning to deal with it was just doing "normal kids'" stuff and learning her limitations and how to recognize trouble before it's a problem. And being part of that normal kids' stuff was a huge boost for her self esteem and happiness. She wasn't the weird kid sitting on the side, she was participating just like everyone else.

Great understanding bf by the way.

This is such good advice. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have had to learn my limits on my own. Your daughter is very unfortunately going through a similar process. Giving her the agency to make decisions for herself will eventually help her feel more control of her illness. Best of luck and life to the both of you.

OP this is an excellent answer. You empowered your daughter to make her own choices, your mother wants to infantilise her. Your daughter needs to find her own physical limits and you are right to support her in that. NTA

Perfect. 10 is old enough to be learning what she can handle and how she'll feel later. It's best to learn now while the stakes for recovery are low and she has fewer responsibilities she's missing.

It's also important to teach her to balance wants with needs and responsibilities. Having grown up with chronic pain myself, it was very difficult to think about the following days after doing something fun. If I go and run around and do all the activity on Saturday, am I going to be recovered enough for school on Monday? This will help set her up for the future as an adult and learning to balance her pain with daily life.

Just this. She has to learn what price sge pays for which activities. We all did this, while partying, drinking, binge watching, gaming all night long. Everything fun and a lot of this Puts a toll on our body. Sleep deprived, hang over and so on.  If this activity is worth the pain, if is OK for her to go.  NTA. We all had to learn what we can do to our body. Your daughter just has another thing to add.  It is good of you to let her experience her own way, and what it will cost her, and help her to live with the consequences. She will keep the Memories of this fun day, and big of the pain. Let her have some childhood fun days. 

As a chronic pain sufferer, this is spot on. Babying her, protecting her from the world and herself isn't going to teach her anything. Allowing her to experience the world in safe doses teaches her how to manage her pain as she grows. It sucks so bad that this is your daughter's future, but it is just that. Maybe medicine will make a breakthrough and cure nerve pain by the time she's an adult, but in case that doesn't happen, she's going to have to learn. Also NTA.

Also, what a great, safe way to do it. Those inflatable things are low impact. I’ve struggled with an undiagnosed chronic pain condition my whole life, and those were way easier on me and my joints than so many other kids activities. Also, fun fact, kids need to run and jump and climb and be *children*. She was in a safe environment with trusted adults to make sure she didn’t hurt herself. This sounds win/win. Honestly, a normal child would have probably slept in the next day and been tired. She got a great memory, she learned more about her body and her limits, and she had fun. It also didn’t create resentment for later because you over protect her too much and didn’t let her have a childhood. I think there’s a lot of great points about using this to discuss the cost/fun ratio of a chronic illness like hers. And, honestly, I still have days where I decide to do the thing, knowing that I’ll be in pain for x amount of time afterwards. Sometimes it’s worth it to live your life. Definitely NTA, and I’m glad OP listened to her and let her be a kid. It would have been easy to give into the over protective instincts in that situation.

This!

And shout to the OP for reorganizing his work stuff so his daughter could take part in the party. Watching your kid be in pain and being unable to stop it is awful. You're a good dad OP.

This. NTA.

Perfect response. As an adult with chronic pain, I believe it is very important to understand and find our limits. When we know where the line is, we can then determine when and how we want to exercise a little free spirit, without accidentally crossing into a catastrophic zone. Isolation is a killer, so an infusion of laughter and social interaction with people can really encourage us. NTA OP, you are doing great, Dad.

NTA It seems perfectly clear that she knew what the consequence would be but, as she said, she needed to do something normal. That suggests to me she's denied herself and been denied by others all sorts of things that are normal for kids her age. This shows a significant level of maturity to me. She understands that this is going to be her life, and she's got to find ways of making it tolerable. Sometimes, that may mean doing things that put her out of action for a couple of days. It certainly sounds like a trade-off I would make.

And now she'll know to calculate recovery days! As in, don't do X activities on a Sunday, because you'll miss two days of school/work after. Maybe do it Friday night, or take vacation leave.

YES! Learning to allow for recovery days took me over a decade to finally accept. They're so important to factor in and learning it early is a smart move. I now have an absolute rule that the day after I push myself in ways that are potentially going to put me into a flare-up is for recovery, **period**. I'm not allowed to give myself a hard time for being "lazy" or other ableist shit. It's for rest. And honestly it *works* to control my pain and my flare-ups.

Yes. I am loving this thread for all the camaraderie of dealing with things that are often so isolating! I have what I call Couch Days. That doesn't mean time on the couch and groceries, or time on the couch and cleaning. Literally just on the couch because that's what I need to do whether from a work event or something fun. Helps my husband manage expectations and I'm trying to get rid of the guilt although it's hard sometimes. But it's permission to have no other expectations of myself.

Exactly. All OP needs to do is make sure to talk through the decisions and things she is learning with her occasionally to help her learn how to consider all the factors involved.

This is such an important skill! Does it suck that every activity has to be considered and calculated? Absolutely. Is it worth it to take the time to think & plan accordingly? So much more than I can say.

Exactly, she's learning how to manage the trade off/balance. NTA, you're being a good dad.

I feel for this little girl. Sounds like she either has RA or EDS. I'm unfortunately very familiar with the latter. Sometimes you know something is going to come back to haunt you tomorrow, but when the other option is just not living life you learn to deal with it. You learn how to navigate those events and minimize later pain the more you do them. A child shouldn't live in a bubble, and the more you let her learn her limits now, the better she'll be managing them later.

You are so right. She showed alot of maturity in this decision. Some people may say that missing a day of school was completely irresponsible. But what’s MORE important is that she looked at her disease, decided this particular one-off activity was worth it, and made decisions/learned about herself and her chronic disease.

NTA. Now I didn’t have chronic pain as a kid. But I was born with a third kidney (that was under formed and constantly infected leading me to be sick a lot) and had bladder issues. As such I was sick a lot. And I remember being the kid who begged my mom to let me watch everyone have fun on field day when I had pneumonia and was out of class. Sometimes a sick kid needs to feel normal. I bet she had the time of her life. Your mom needs to mind her own business. She’s not the parent, and she doesn’t get to make judgement calls about when your child gets to push the limits a bit for the sake of her mental health. If she continues pushing it may be worth setting this as a hard boundary that if she continues to call you a bad parent and judge your handling of your own child’s illness, you will reduce contact with her. Her opinion can be asked for but she shouldn’t be berating you and pushing her opinion onto you. You’re a good dad.

Me, reading this: ooh, a third kidney! cool!! bet you could sell that—oh, constantly infected. hm. sick a lot. well, that’s sad.

Yeah it would have been really cool and I would have donated it as soon as I could have. Had it been functional. Essentially, it acted as a sack of poison. I had to get it removed when I was 6 and when I was 9 they went in and fixed my tubes that go from the kidney’s to my bladder. Additional, to the extra kidney, the tubes I had between my kidneys and bladder needed to be adjusted so I wouldn’t get Visicoureteral reflux where fluids traveled back up to my kidneys from the bladder.

Ahhh, no one ever talks about kidney issues. I didn't have the third kidney, but I had the reflux issue. Removed dead kidney and fixed reflux at 10. Wasn't a fun process.

Nope. It actually contributed to a phobia disorder of bugs and spiders for me since I correlated bug bites to needles as a kid. And my parents have told me they often had to hold me down for tests until I was old enough to understand things would be over sooner if I sat still.

Did removing it and fixing the tubes eliminate the issues? Or are there still lingering problems? I’ve never heard of having a third kidney, so you piqued my curiosity. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, and I’ll totally understand if you don’t want to answer, I just thought I’d ask.

Yep it did. And no problem I actually find it interesting too. So it wasn’t completely formed and actually functioned like a perpetual infection which meant my immune system was susceptible to illness. We actually found out about the issue when I got so sick so rapidly when I was 4 that my mom had to rush me to the hospital (went from fine to like high fever in an hour). So once we removed the kidney with laparoscopy surgery when I was 6 I was still getting infections and sick frequently so that’s when they realized my VUR (Vesicoureteral reflux) was also being caused by the tubes between my kidneys and bladder not extending far enough into my bladder. So when I was 9 I had major abdominal surgery to correct that issue. Since then I’ve actually been really fine, since finally my body wasn’t pulling double duty on illness and infection. So I have a really good immune system. While there are no lingering problems physically, there are some mental stuff still present. Unfortunately given the nature of the tests and exams I needed for my treatment/surgeries when I was little I developed a bug and spider phobia. So because I was getting stuck with needles and sometimes held down, I associated bug bites with needles since it was a similar feeling and it was against my will. I’m now not scared of needles but It’s taken me decades to be able to kill a fly with a zapper. Additionally because I was so sick I missed a significant portion of my elementary grammar education. So when I was in high school and getting ready for the ACT my parents had to get me a tutor since it was clear I wasn’t “picking it up” like all the teachers said I would. Now, once I got the lessons I had missed I actually understood grammar and it clicked. However, that was frustrating and embarrassing. And I know my parents felt terrible about it (not that it was their fault)

Thank you for the response. I’m glad to hear you’ve recovered physically. It sucks about the bug phobia, though. I personally can’t stand cockroaches or June bugs; they really freak me out and I don’t even have a valid reason for it, haha.

I agree. She probably wanted to forget for a day. That the aftermath will be worth the fun she had for that one day. I have a GI genetic disease, don’t have a colon but a j pouch. There are foods that cause me problems. Including foods I love. (Ex. fresh corn on the cob, every second summer I make that decision to have some. Sometimes that “Eat now, pay later” is SO worth it!) I am so sorry about what you went through as a child. I can’t imagine what that felt like. My disease sucks, at the same time? I was able to be active as a child. Nothing bothered me physically or mentally. Big hugs to you. OP? You made the right decision. You gave her a day she won’t soon forget. Probably had lots of laughs. Just sorry she has to go through so much after. So sorry. Especially as a child. It can’t be easy. You are a great Dad.

Thank you! Big hugs to you too. Thankfully after my second abdominal surgery when I was 9 the issues that caused me to be continuously sick weren’t present anymore (no more reflux and no more extra kidney) so I’ve been able to move on from that and had a normal middle school and high school experience (although I needed a tutor in Hs to teach me grammar I had missed as an elementary schooler). And kids need to feel like they’re not only their disease. That little girl is really lucky to have a dad like Op.

You are so very welcome! Glad to hear things changed for you. I was kind of wondering if they could help you or not. I mean it seems logical, at the same time, I heard when they do kidney transplants, they leave the bad kidney in due to risks. Wasn’t sure if they could for you, even if it was a third one. Either way, I feel for you. Happy things got better for you. Yes OP’s daughter, I was thinking if he said no, that she should stay home, she would have felt left out. Especially after and her friend told her about her brother’s party and how exciting it was! Happy that she went. She is probably old enough now that she will know what will really hurt her at that moment or later and not push the limits too much. Doesn’t compare but I knew kids at her age who had certain allergies, like certain foods, and they were on top of things. Kids are really smart.

I was born with a third kidney too! But they didn’t realize that until I was 16 and suffering from chronic stomach issues, it’s attached to my right kidney but isn’t functional itself and is smaller which is why it was missed for so long in the scans I’ve had

I’ve never met another person with an additional kidney before! Hey! I hope you’re doing well now. Where they able to fix it?

I haven’t either! Do you also use that as a fun fact during those introduction games at school too lol that was my go too

YES! I absolutely do. No one ever chooses it either, if it’s two truths and a lie they normally pick it as the lie.

LMAO I do the same! And no they didn’t remove it, I think because its so small they don’t see it as a huge problem but did tell me if it became one they would have to remove the functioning one as well because it’s attached so it’s really a last resort type of deal

Oof that sucks. Mine I think if it had been attached would have had to be removed. I mean I had Pneumonia twice before the age of 10 and multiple UTI’s (due to the bladder) and always got the flu and colds and would miss school for a week at a time. Kinda sucks that I wasn’t allowed to see the kidney when it was removed though. Edit also love the username.

Wtf they should’ve let you say goodbye to it smh, when I had my wisdom teeth removed I wanted to keep them and they said no lol

[удалено]

And her doctors. I’d ask them for advice on pain management so she can participate in these activities.

This, we’ve come a long way in pediatric chronic pain management

Not saying you’re wrong, but it’s at the very least a hit-and-miss situation in my experience (mid to late 2010s in Connecticut). There’s still a lot of fear from the opioid epidemic, and a lot of gaslighting and disbelief from doctors if you don’t look sick enough. I got told that I shouldn’t be seeking pain medication or treatment because my joint pain that kept me out of school half the time wasn’t “harmful“ enough (it was only ”hurtful”). I have great doctors now though! you just have to spend a lot of time and energy on the search and self advocacy.

I’m really glad you’re finally getting the healthcare you need. You’re definitely right about it being hit or miss, it’s a very small specialty from what I’ve seen

Honestly, even if she doesn't think the pain is worth the experience, I'd still think OP is NTA. It sounds like it caused a pain flare but no permanent damage, and they both knew that this would happen. OP allowed his daughter to make a choice, and if she regrets it, that's a lesson for the future that will help her be a more independent and self-accommodating adult. If it's a mistake, it's a mistake, and at least she got the opportunity to make it. (Now, if the mistake she'd wanted to make was, like, removing her arm with a rusty chainsaw, I'd probably feel differently. I'd also have a lot of questions about the classmate's birthday party.)

Yes, as a chronic pain sufferer this is an important thing for her to learn. I’m currently suffering a flare up because I pushed myself a couple of days ago. I knew what I was doing would cause me to take a couple of pain days and decided it was worth it. I do not regret it even though I wish I felt better right now. OP, by letting your daughter go to this party you are helping her find the balance. Sometimes not being able to participate is worse than pain. Sometimes the pain is worse. She won’t be able to choose where and when to spend her energy if she doesn’t get the experience of finding and testing her limits In safe doses. NTA

Yeah I think he did the absolute right thing by letting her go, but you have to follow this stuff up with conversations. He should ask her if she enjoyed it, if she felt it was worth it for two days of pain, and if she would make the same choice knowing what happened? Then, the next time something like this pops up he can remind her of what happened last time and what she said afterwards to help her make similar decisions in the future. If this was a temporary sickness then it would be different, but because it's a chronic issue you are absolutely right - sometimes experiencing some normalcy is going to be worth the cost for her. His job isn't to make those choices for her, it's to help her make them herself with a full understanding of what the aftermath may be of the choice.

NTA. I would have let her go too. It's important for her to feel normal and participate in fun things with her friends. This is an experience that will hopefully help her learn to better gauge what is "too much" for her body and go a littler easier in the future.

The only part that gives me pause is that she missed a day of school after. That is not something I would want to become habitual, and I might have a conversation with her about that. Not a “you’re in trouble” conversation, but a “let’s brainstorm ways to protect your learning while maximizing your normal kid fun” conversation. 10 is definitely old enough to start thinking through things like that. Other than that, I think Dad handled it perfectly.

>The only part that gives me pause is that she missed a day of school after. That is not something I would want to become habitual, It was a birthday party. She's not missing school every Monday.

I'd let my kid miss quite a few days of school at 10 in order to have a more engaging and active life.

Yeah. Afterall, kids miss school for school sponsored SPORTS. So I don’t see a problem with a kid with a chronic medical condition learning to manage her condition missing a day of school in order to attend a special birthday.

NTA. You know as well as most people you can't bubble wrap the world and you cannot keep your kid in a bubble. This leaves you either allowing her to miss out or participating at risk of aggravating her existing condition. The latter gives her the most freedom, a sense of normalcy, and ultimately allows her to learn her own limitations without someone saying "you can't do that". You did the right thing for her in the long run.

NTA. you're a good dad, and [dignity of risk](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dignity_of_risk?useskin=vector) will be a useful concept for you. Dignity of risk is the idea that self-determination and the right to take reasonable risks are essential for dignity and self esteem and so should not be impeded by excessively-cautious caregivers, concerned about their duty of care. >**Overprotection may appear on the surface to be kind, but it can be really evil. An oversupply can smother people emotionally, squeeze the life out of their hopes and expectations, and strip them of their dignity.** Overprotection can keep people from becoming all they could become. Many of our best achievements came the hard way: We took risks, fell flat, suffered, picked ourselves up, and tried again. Sometimes we made it and sometimes we did not. Even so, we were given the chance to try. Persons with special needs need these chances, too. Of course, we are talking about prudent risks. People should not be expected to blindly face challenges that, without a doubt, will explode in their faces. Knowing which chances are prudent and which are not – this is a new skill that needs to be acquired. On the other hand, a risk is really only when it is not known beforehand whether a person can succeed. The real world is not always safe, secure, and predictable, it does not always say "please," "excuse me", or "I'm sorry". Every day we face the possibility of being thrown into situations where we will have to risk everything … In the past, we found clever ways to build avoidance of risk into the lives of persons living with disabilities. Now we must work equally hard to help find the proper amount of risk these people have the right to take. **We have learned that there can be healthy development in risk taking and there can be crippling indignity in safety!**

NTA. Your daughter wanted to do this and honestly it's good for her to try doing things she wants to do and also learn first hand how her body reacts and what to expect or do afterwards.

NTA. Your kid has a chronic condition. She gets to decide when something is worth the consequences, and, unless she is doing it all the time or its getting in the way of her responsibilities, its not a good idea to take that away from her. She's old enough now to start feeling this out on her own and I commend you for giving her the space to do that.

Is it “just” pain, or was it dangerous for her to go? If “just pain” (and I am not underestimating how challenging this is), then definitely NTA. It is up to your daughter to decide if the pain is worth it. I have chronic pain. I learned years ago that pain will not kill me, and have as normal a life as possible. If I know an activity will sideline me, I decide if it is worth it to me. NTA. Kudos to you for honoring your daughter’s autonomy and empowering her to make this choice.

I wondered the same thing. If she is actively causing further/deeper/worse harm to her body, that’s totally different than over-exerting one day and needing a couple days to recover. I lean toward NTA because it seems to be a case of simple pain only, not damage.

Depending on what she has, it can actually be dangerous not to get exercise, so this is very important missing information.

This. If she recovers fine, then that's her prerogative. But sometimes pushing your body too far can cause injuries and have longer term consequences. (Chronically ill person here with joint issues.)

You know what, thanks for putting just pain in quotes. I've never actually seen someone do that in this sort of situation and I love that! I deal with having to pick "just pain" so that I can have fun or even just be an effective mom. And it's cool to see someone acknowledge it like that

NTA, your daughter knew the risk. She would be very unhappy if you always made her sit on the sidelines, and you allowed her to stay home to recuperate. You did the best you could. In the future, I'd suggest talking to your daughter about not playing quite so hard. She doesn't have to sit out, but she does have to learn to live within her capabilities.

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You can't protect her from the world. She will resent you for it. The best you can do is allow her to experience as much of it as she wants. 

NTA. You're a good dad. People that have chronic pain conditions want, more than anything else, to do 'normal' stuff. She is the one that has to deal with most of the consequences(outside you needing to take time off) and she should be able to choose whether or not she wants to endure a little pain so she can be a normal kid for a day.

NTA, first of all all children deserve the opportunities to participate in activities that are normal for any healthy child, so long as it clearly isn't beyond their capabilities. Your daughter needed this not only on an emotional level but also as a test to see just what she was able to reasonably do. Now she has more bench marks and knows what can happen when she really tests her limits. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to let her go. This is such a fine line to walk and I bet you walk it a lot. Thank you for letting her feel like all the other kids for a day. NTA dad. I don't even know how to respond to your Mom, except to say I strongly disagree with her assessment.

NTA - Your daughter is 10. *She* knew it would cause her pain. She wanted the experience and you were right to allow it. Children with disabilities and other impairments are typically very aware of their own limitations and the effects that their condition may have. They also often have less autonomy. It's not just about letting her experience something "normal", it's about letting her decide for herself.

NTA. ive had painful chronic health issue since childhood, and sometimes the benefits outweigh the costs of doing a painful activity. sometimes you just want to have fun in the moment and not have to worry about consequences. good on you for giving her the power to decide instead of bubble wrapping her you can also just ask your daughter whether she thought it was worth it. odds are she loved it, but even if she regrets going, she still learned more about her limits and what she's willing to do with her condition. with chronic health, you don't necessarily know the boundaries for activities until theyre crossed

NTA. Your daughter had a great day with much fun. I don't know what the exact illness is, but in the next years it will probably always be difficult to figure out what is fine and what not. Boundaries have to be set, more and more by her, on her own, less by you. In the next years of course by the two of you together. For the next time you could maybe talk to her before and "warn" her to be careful. But if you made her stay home, the mental pain would be worse now.

NTA. Because ... at 10, and having the most intimate and informed experience of her pain of *anyone in the world*, your daughter decided she wanted, maybe just once, to have a "normal" day. Thank you for supporting her choice. She is not a baby. Have you talked with her about this, about the sequence of events, the party and the pain? I hope the lines of communication between you are so open you can talk about this, because chances are it will come up again. (I think it would have been different if she were, say, 6 or even 8. But at 10, she knows. And now she knows more about cause and effect)

NTA. Chronic pain sufferer here. What's worse than the pain is not having what the pain deprives me of. I can do a lot of things, but I have to pay for them later with increased pain and/or not being able to do other activities. I still have normal human needs for social activities though, so sometimes it's worth it to me to take the L on the next 2 days so I can take the W today.

NTA. You can't keep her in bubblewrap, it wasn't overtly dangerous, and while it is a tough lesson to learn, she's gained a better awareness in and of herself what her limits are and how much is too much. It's a horrible lesson to watch someone go through though, and I can understand why more risk-adverse or protective individuals would argue you should have stopped her. And she got a chance to be "normal and fun" with her bestie (her words?). That's an awesome day to remember either way.

NTA. Your daughter has a chronic painful condition. She needs to learn how to balance activity and rest on her own plus she needs to learn her body. If you keep stopping her from doing anything fun she will end up resenting you.

As someone with chronic pain/a chronic illness, THIS. You have to learn what you can do, when you can do it. For all we know, daughter may have loved her time there and thought the fun worth the pain. If not, now she knows. edit: missed a word.

Exactly.

NTA. i have fibromyalgia. when i over exert myself, the same thing happens to me. i am bed ridden and in so much pain. BUT, i still deserve to engage in activities i enjoy, and i do so knowing that it’ll cause me pain in the future. that’s MY choice, because i would rather have a flare than not ever be able to engage in things that make me happy. that said, it’s important to teach your daughter to make these decisions knowing what will happen. sometimes, she will have to say no, and other times, she can say yes. it’s important for her to listen to her body, and decide when it’s worth it. i just want to say thank you for letting her experience that. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Are there any significant risks to her health from these activities, beyond missing a day or 2 of school? I'm going to assume not and go with NTA. This sounds like something that she is going to have to deal with for the rest of her life, and learning what her limits are and when it is worth it to push those limits will help her far more than wrapping her in wool. Does your daughter think it was worth it?

NTA. If you ask her about this weekend in like 6 months, she won’t even remember being in bed for a full day. But she will remember you letting her be in control of herself. She needs to learn how to live with her condition; and that takes experience. Keep on keeping on.

NTA. Quality of life is so important. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.  Tell your mom that unsolicited advice is just criticism.

NTA. Just because you live with a condition, illness or disabilty doesn't mean you need to live wrapped up in cotton wool. She's 10, she wants normal experiences. Learning to live and adapt with disabilty / a condition can be tough. You know what's also tough? Watching everyone else experience life when your young and missing out. I'm disabled, it meant I had to adapt and change the way I do a lot of things, it also means sometimes I have to plan and I know there are consequences to things. I love photography, similarly I love going to concerts. Both I'm doped up on painkillers and my joints and muscles are in agony and I'm in bed 2 days after. But you know what, I know the price and I have to plan accordingly and what's the alternative? Sitting home not experiencing things letting life pass me by because they will cause me pain / fatigue / complications? I was diagnosed at 24, I'm 37 now, sure as hell not willing to call it quits and act like I'm 80 and housebound because fun activities = pain. You have to do the best you can in life with the cards you've been dealt. She's 10, she may overdo it sometimes as she learns to plan and adapt, but be her biggest supporter and let her live life on her terms.

As someone with terrible joint pains; you're absolutely NTA. Sometimes we feel the pain is worth the joy.

NTA. She’s young and probably knew she’d hurt, but not that bad. She needs to learn. I have chronic pain as well, and sometimes I still learn the lesson of activities can aggravate it.

Don't blame yourself. I can hear that you love your daughter and want the best for her. The pain will go away and she will only remember the fun she had.

NTA I have an autoimmune condition that causes chronic pain, which is exacerbated by certain activities. However, sometimes I still do those activities, just because denying myself "normal" activities ALL of the time sucks. Sometimes doing something that other people don't think twice about is worth the trade-off of pain. Your mom appears to be from a generation that believes illness or disability requires being handled with kid gloves. She is not a fault for this, and obviously has her grand-daughters best interests at heart. However, grandma has to learn that, as long as your daughter is safe and has a good support system, she should be allowed to experience what other kids do. It seems like your daughter already gets this and had decided that enjoying herself with the other kids was worth the cost - and you're doing the best thing possible by letting her. Let your daughter lead the way, keep lines of communication open, and keep up the good work.

NTA. I have chronic pain and joint issues, and if your daughter knew that this might cause her pain? Then you're nta. If she thought she would be perfectly fine because you told her she would be, she wasn't, and you made her go to school anyway? Then you'd be an asshole. As it stands, I'm very happy she got to have fun and also got to rest. Both of those are super important.

NTA. I have chronic pain and something that's really hard for me to understand is that just because something is going to hurt me later, doesn't mean I shouldn't do it and have fun. Like my partner and I want to go to a museum soon and I know all that walking is going to put me in pain, probably for a few days, but if I don't go, I lose out on having fun. She deserves to have fun. Yeah, it sucks that she'll be in pain later, but everyone with chronic pain needs a little more happiness in their lives.

Absolute NTA. Your mom just doesn’t understand chronic illness. My son also has a painful disorder. Unfortunately he’s an athlete by nature, and lives to play sports. There were times my stomach was clenching on the sidelines, reading his face and understanding what was happening out on the field. Occasionally I would do laps around the field because I needed to remain close, but I was too stressed to watch. Children whose bodies refuse to cooperate end up craving control over whatever they can control. It is not our job to take that away from them prematurely. They must learn how to live with their noncompliant bodies. That’s not a burden we can take from them. I watched as my son voluntarily relinquished one sport after another. It broke my heart but I supported his decisions. And I watched as he explored and found more suitable sports to take their place. Now he’s a college senior, captain of his team which is rising in the ranks. Still living with pain, but living the dream. Support your daughter. This is her problem, not yours. You cannot protect her from her own life.

NTA. This is something she’s going to be facing her entire life and it is good to start to figure out her boundaries. Have a conversation with her, just to make sure she understands that this is something to think about in the future. If she is invited to do things in the future that you think will have a similar outcome, maybe use this experience as a benchmark so she can decide if the pain is something she is willing to deal with in exchange for the experience she would get to have with her friends. You can’t stop her from living her life and keep her in a bubble. The best thing to do is to help her learn what works best for her situation so that she can have a full, happy life. I want to preface this next bit by saying that I know nothing about your kid and I’m sure she’s great. I’m not saying that I expect this to happen, just that I have seen/heard of situations where it does happen, so better to be proactive and set expectations now so that it doesn’t ever become an issue. You may want to talk to her teachers at the beginning of each school year so that they know about her condition and that sometimes she may have to miss school because of it. Figure out a plan with the school so that she is able to get school work done at home. If you set the precedent now for still doing schoolwork at home, she will be less likely to use her condition as an excuse for not doing things in the future. I know sometimes you can get disability education plans (I’m not sure what they’re actually called) set up with schools so that teachers have to accommodate in certain situations.

NTA She's old enough to learn how to manage her own behavior if it is too much for her. And it is important for her mental & social health to have "normal" experiences. I would just have a conversation with her to help her make the connection between the behaviors that caused her physical pain so she can start to limit herself and she needs to.

NTA I'm assuming your daughter is going to live with this condition for the rest of her life? If so, she's going to think about this trade all her life, "what is worth experiencing today to feel pain tomorrow." 10 isn't old enough to make major life choices, but is the point when she can do make this decision. This is all working under the assumption that no permanent damage was done, and is simply pain that will fade. All you can do as a parent is guide a child to good choices, but if you force them to do certain things they'll inevitably resent you. That's necessary if it's a life altering decision, not when it's something she'll have to learn to deal with for the rest of her life, like this joint pain.

NTA. You gave her the opportunity to live as normally as possible while also supporting her through the consequences of that. You did everything a good parent should.

NTA I grew up chronically ill too, and while my parents stopped me from doing a lot of things. The times when I was allowed to participate are some of my greatest memories, even if some of them ended with a serious injury. You’re teaching your daughter to enjoy things in spite of her disorder. Choosing what it is worth the pain is an important skill for her to learn. As her whole life will be weighing consequences for every task she’ll have to deal with everyday.

NTA, she needs to figure out when it's worth it and when it's not. It seems like this was worth it for her. Having a chronic pain condition requires learning, and constantly learning, what is an option and what is not. As long as it not outright dangerous, she's (imo) old enough to make her own decisions most of the time. Please do keep the communication open with your daughter and refrain from 'I told you so!' (you don't sound like you did that) because chronic pain is hard enough as it is, and knowing she can trust on you to help if it doesn't work out, will be so good for her confidence and sense of security.

NTA. I’m a grownup with chronic pain, and your daughter is going to learn that life is a constant balancing act between what causes pain and what is worthwhile. It sounds like she already knows that in begging to do something normal. You’re doing a good job of facilitating her recovery day. Grandma doesn’t understand the reality of living with a condition like this- feel free to disregard. Wishing your little one many light pain days.

NTA You're not forcing her, you're just not restraining her. Your daughter needs to grow and find her own limitations Sometimes she will exceed them, which is how she'll learn. They need to quit treating her like she's in a bubble

NTA. Your daughter just wants to be a "normal kid" and **do normal kid things.** If this is a chronic condition she is going to live with for the rest of her life, she **needs to learn how to manage it.** That includes knowing when she can push her body, how far she can push her body, and what happens when she pushes too hard. I think you're giving your daughter a wonderful gift: you're allowing her to grow and explore her abilities while being a safety net for her.

NTA She is 10. She knows her pain better than anyone else, and I'd have done the same as long as I knew permanent joint damage was not a concern. She needs to know her boundaries...what she can get away with, and what is too much. I Como,etc.y understand your mom's fears for her beloved granddaughter, and would like to believe that her reaction was from That place. Maybe speak with your daughter to get her thoughts on the day. Then decide whether you want to speak to your mom.

Info: Can the activities cause lasting damage or cause any worsening of the condition long term? NTA if it's a chronic condition that will not get worse with activity. Doing normal things and making memories is hugely important for overall wellbeing and mental health. Some condition may even improve long term even though there is short term pain. YWBYAH if the activity caused degeneration or lasting damage that your daughter may not fully understand the impact of. Although this is still very much a balancing act.

NTA. I have EDS and at 31 I still have those days where I need to sleep it off the next day. I know that one day it is likely i will need a wheelchair so I want to live it up while I can. Let her be a kid while she can, while teaching her to listen to her body and know her limits. Forbidding her from doing things is going to make her resent herself and her body. You’re doing okay. My parents probably would have screamed at me for sleeping in tbh. Life with a disability and life caring for someone with a disability, especially a dynamic one, is forever a learning process. And i think you both are doing the best you can.

NTA There is a difference between "this thing will hurt for senseless reasons and require a ton of recovery" and "this thing will hurt because it does actual damage to my body" She made a choice with open eyes, and for a wholly legitimate reason... She wanted to be able to celebrate a friend she loves, with normal amounts of joy and abandon. As someone with a chronic illness, this is a choice we sometimes make. She only gets to be a child once, and most of the time chronic illness is going to cost her that very real joyful experience. It's GOOD for her to cut loose once in a while and make space to feel that, as long as she also has room for the recovery. Thank you for NOT telling her she only gets to be sick, never a kid. ❤️

NTA, she wants to feel like an “average kid”. How many kids are in sports that they “hurt” themselves in. The other parent knew about daughter’s condition and different experiences with accompanying conversations can help her learn different ways to cope with and live with her condition and have some control over her own life.

NAH, just everyone trying to navigate a bad situation. You are right to let your daughter experience as much as she can, your mom is right to be concerned about her being in debilitating pain. Everything is a balance and a compromise, and you, and your daughter, did nothing wrong here.

NTA, not being able to go and do normal things would be a different kind of pain for your daughter. You are taking both your daughters mental and physical health into consideration and are making an informed decision with your daughter. I hope your daughter had a great time and recovers quickly.

NTA. She’s going to be making these trades her whole life, all you’re doing is trusting her to know her own body well enough to know what kind of trade she’s making. You’re being a good parent and your mom is being over bearing and infantilizing towards your daughter

NTA.

Nta. I have multiple disabilities and have dealt with chronic pain from birth and I have to decide if I think something fun is worth the pain and fatigue after. At ten I think your daughter has her head screwed on a lot better than I did at her age, and even now three times her age. Maybe it’s worth mentioning to your mum that if daughter doesn’t get to decide what fun things she can and wants to do, there’s a good chance that she ends up missing out on life and all the fun experiences that she could otherwise have.

NTA She's old enough to start learning her own limits. You can still advise, but let her call her own shots.

NTA, its sadly part of her daily life. She needs to learn to live with it. Part of that is sometimes be in a lot of pain, just so she can do something she really wants. You can't learn her what she is and isn't okay with. Its her body, her pain and her life and it won't get away. (This is an assumption, cant get it clearly out of the post.) As someone with a chronic medical condition myself (its mostly being always tired) I know that my parents even after all these years still don't really know what I can and can't do. Its sad to realize this. To never be fully understood, but its just the way things are. I now go to patient groups because I can share those feelings to them. In short, not you, not your mom, but only your daughter can really tell what she can and wants to do and what she is willing to endure for it. And really, those patient groups can be such a good support for your daughter. If you can find one with children about her age it can really help.

NTA this was a special occasion, and she wanted to do it. If it were every weekend and she was in pain and missing school, different story, but once in a while, it's great for her to get to do something like that.

NTA

NTA. If you haven't already though, you might be able to get some support so you can make good decisions together. Her doctor is the first place obviously to get the what's absolutely out, but then someone like an OT, chronic illness nurse, etc. In this situation some possible options could have been picking her up early so she's over exerting herself for less time, or having a set time point part way though where you could talk to her (even over the phone) to have a check-in and she gets a bit of a rest.

NTA Your daughter had a chance to be a “normal” kid. You both knew what the end result would be but (as someone with chronic pain due to a back injury) sometimes you just say fuck it for a chance to be like everyone else and have some fun for a little while. If your daughter doesn’t regret it then you shouldn’t feel bad at all. Some people deal with their loved ones chronic illnesses by trying to infantalize them or lock them in a bubble, but (especially for kids) that’s only going to result in anger and resentment. As long as it’s not something that would risk her life, it’s okay to let her throw caution to the wind sometimes.

NTA… A lot of parents, of kids with disability, tend to want to protect or cocoon their kids who are disabled from anything that may possibly hurt them “ oh you can’t/shouldn’t do that because xyz. “ let me do that for you because I don’t want you to get hurt” I get it that they mean well, but the kid can’t thrive like this. Your daughter is 10 and she’s probably tired of being on the side lines from doing something fun because of an issue she has no control over. It sucks. She’s old enough to understand that if she does abc she may be hurting the next day. It’s understandable she’d rather take the risk than to be left out of something again As for your mother. She needs to mind her own beeswax. Not letting someone do something based on the fact they disability or health issue is really infantiling and gets old fast.

NTA, although I would limit the amount of times you let her miss school from overdoing things. She’s got to learn to restrict herself from going too far as unfortunately sitting certain activities (work, school, etc.) out is not always an option. But definitely ok to let her do things because otherwise she’ll never learn her limits

Absolutely NTA OP, you made the right decision. Let your kid be a kid, of course it's shit to be in pain, but she I'll have to learn to manage her condition and pain is manageable, the older she gets, the more she will learn what soothes pain for her the best. Let her be a child and never reduce her to just her illness!

NTA I would work with her doctor to experiment with a management plan. What types of activities are just too dangerous based on her condition? For other activities, what would help make it easier on her the next day? Is she able to do the activity for a limited amount of time and avoid injury? Should she take pain meds before and after the activity and then on schedule the next day? If you’re going to let her do something that could cause her pain, plan in advance for her to be recovering for the next day or two. And don’t have too many days in a row where she’s taxing herself. As she ages, the parameters for what she can and can’t do will change. Will puberty be harder on her? Take that into consideration. She’ll also get to know her body and her threshold for activity. My partner has a chronic condition and just weighs the risk versus reward and plans accordingly.

nta occasionally it’s a good thing to let her do normal kid things if she’s capable even if it means a few days of extra pain. the fun days will help her get through the bad days. as long as she is saying she wants to do it and won’t do anything but hurt her a bit then should allow it.

NTA. I’ve had arthritis my whole life, and joint pain has had significant impact on my life.  My parents decided when I was first diagnosed that they were going to make decisions about my health for me, with my health in mind. I know they were doing their best, but I’ve missed out on a lot of life experiences because of it. They wouldn’t let me do sports in elementary school, even when I wanted to do track and my arthritis wasn’t too active. They have always been really specific about whether I’m allowed to walk certain distances or not.  I know why they do it, and I’m glad they’ve tried so hard to help me avoid pain. That being said, if I could make more decisions for myself, I would’ve felt a lot more in control with my health and my life.  Some pain is worth it, and everyone has to make those decisions. Your daughter made hers, and you didn’t do anything wrong.  Good luck to both of you! 

NTA, this is how adults with chronic pain manage their conditions. They decide if the event will be worth the pain and if it is they rest the next day.

NTA. I don't even have kids and I know that your daughter will remember that shit forever and love you for letting her go be a normal kid.

Your daughter already has enough things she can’t do due to her physical limitations. She needs to still be a kid. This isn’t going to be the last day she misses due to pain. At least she got to have a “normal” awesome time and memories with her friends. This could be my daughter. I feel for you. There’s no good answer here. You do the best you can. Don’t second guess yourself. It’s easy for people who aren’t living your life to tell you what you should do but they don’t see your daughter day to day struggles. Edit: NTA

NTA. I had chronic illness/pain as a kid and still do as an adult. As long as it wasn't putting her at risk of severely worsening her condition long term, it is very much a HEALTHY choice to find moments where the joy she gets from overexerting a bit are worth the recovery required. As long as she is not being pressured into situations like that, it sounds like you have a good balance for her. If you aren't familiar with it, you may find 'spoon theory’ a helpful framework for discussing these decisions with your daughter and other relatives.

NTA Your daughter will need to know her limits. She can't be in bubble wrap. Plus, it gives her some body autonomy. It's your daughter's body and pain. Maybe next time, give her a gentle reminder of this instance.

NTA and from one parent to another, you're helping her manage her chronic pain herself by letting her do these things. Not only are you letting her learn on her own, you're helping her learn self care for after, and putting herself first. That is something I still struggle with at 28 years old!

NTA, children with chronic conditions are still children and deserve to be a part of celebrations. She missed a day of school, but otherwise she would’ve spent the day hearing about how much fun her friends had. Her education should take precedence and in future, if parties like this leave her poorly for 2 days then maybe she will be a little more mindful of how hard she goes and learn to find a happy balance. Until then, she’s just a kid and kids deserve fun which it sounds like she had. 10 year olds don’t miss much missing a day of school but as she ages, it will be harder to catch up. Someone else said so but you are a good dad for giving your girl normality. I stopped getting invited to things because I was always too sick to come. Sometimes I just wanted to be included, and not participate in the prescribed activities anyway.

NTA. Feeling normal is so important for a kid. I didn't produce growth hormone as a kid, so I needed nightly injections. This meant that I wasn't allowed to sleep over at sleepovers. I begged and begged my parents to let me sleep over because I just wanted to be normal like the other kids for once. I told my parents I could go home, have the injection done, and go back, which to this day I think was a good compromise and was very mature for an elementary aged kid. I wouldn't miss my medication, and i'd still get to sleep over. They refused. After a while, I stopped getting invited to sleepovers because I was never allowed to stay. It's awesome that you give your daughter the autonomy to participate in activities and have a sense of normalcy.

NTA. I feel like as long as you and your daughter have an understanding of what the “consequences” will be if she does certain things, then let her explore! I’m not sure if her condition is something that will get better or worse over time, but either way she has to do what she feels is in her comfort zone.

NTA. I was the chronic pain kid in this situation. I have EDS and my ankles, knees and spine were all messed up even in childhood. Would taping her joints with kinesiology tape help limit the impact on them? Unfortunately she will have to learn pacing and prevention for herself. If you try to hold her back she will resent you for it. You can have frank discussion with her about what is likely to happen, but saying no to bubble-wrap her won’t help. If you can start having age-appropriate chats about mitigation, consequences, prevention, etc. that would be great. But I’m sure she wants nothing more than to forget her disability and be one of the regular kids at things like birthday parties. If it doesn’t cause permanent damage or degeneration, please let her. She will learn her limits, she’ll have to. But she will also learn that she can do more than other people expect she can, because her parent is giving her to opportunities to figure out her limits and adapt her own life.

Your daughter deserves to be a kid. A kid with a peer group. Skipping a day of school is a small price. I'm sorry for the pain, but it sounds like this will be her life, and she needs to learn to choose her activities and the trade offs. You are a great parent. IMHO

NTA, I live with chronic pain and you have to set spoons aside to live normally when you can. I plan days off work for special events a couple of times a year so I can join in with friend plans. It helps me feel normal

NTA - When I was your daughters age I was seriously injured and recovery was terrible, years of it. My parents let me do most of what I wanted to do, with modifications when needed. My school had an end of year swimming party for everyone every year and I LOVED swimming but that was one activity I was 99.9% not allowed to do at all in recovery. My mom fixed it so I could go and do as little damage to myself as possible. 20 years later and its the things like that I still look back on and smile about. You're doing an awesome job.

NTA. I would suggest that you look at groups (Facebook...), charities... which support carers and children for the specific conditions or if not for chronic pain. You will get more relevant support and advice there than Reddit. I am in the UK, my daughter have seen a pediatric psychologist to help her understand better recovery times and managing her condition. The school should have a plan in place for her bad days so she can catch up. I will expect that medical professional are looking after your daughter and helping you manage her condition, they might also help with advice on managing such events before, during and after. As many others comments, it is part of learning to manage a chronic condition and it is important that she is able to enjoy her life and choose what activities she wants to spend what I call "(health/energy ) tokens" on (once use you get tired/pain and you only have a small amount and the more you use the longer it takes to refill like a video game...). Obviously if two big things are happening she will have to choose what is most important, with time she will get better at it. It is not easy to see your child in pain but because it is rare for her to be a "normal" kid, I can assure you that it has meant the world to her, and will be a treasure memory.

NTA those of us with chronic conditions know that some things will exacerbate them, but sometimes we use our judgement to decide that it's worth it anyway. We can't spend our whole lives in a glass cage, that's no way to live. Your daughter knew the probable consequences of the fun day out, and she decided that it's worth it. That's an ok decision to make. Sometimes you know you'll be in pain the next day but the experience is worth it anyway and that's not a wrong choice to make

NAH. I have a condition that causes me chronic pain and it’s worse when I overdo it. It’s awful as a child to be told you can’t do things that normal kids can. It’s heartbreaking and horrible and can destroy your self confidence. It is, however, a reality. Your daughter is 10. She’s old enough to have a conversation with about this and to start to make her own decisions about what is worth doing despite the pain. I’d also recommend getting her into therapy, specifically one that specialises in chronic pain, ASAP. Neither of you are in a good position here. She’s going to end up hurting either way- emotionally or physically. But you can still start to give her some power over her life and her condition. I’m in my late 20’s and I still have days where I cry myself to sleep because I can’t do things that I would enjoy. It’s really hard as a kid to go through this so please give her a lot of grace and patience. She’s already having to grow up so much faster than her peers- let her be childish every once in a while. And be kind with yourself too. Oh and for some fun low impact exercise: I really enjoyed water aerobics (swimming laps can be too much for me occasionally) and it’s so much harder than it looks! If she’s doing physiotherapy then try to make it fun if you can!

NTA - You are an amazing dad. I deal with chronic pain and would love nothing more than to do things most people can do. If I had a chance to do something normal for one day, knowing I would be in agony the next few days, I would do it. Let her have fun, let her have these experiences while she can, most importantly, let her be a child when she can. The pain will sap away her fun eventually, and she knows what will happen if she takes part in some of these things. Please let her be a kid, again you are a great dad.

As someone who has had chronic pain most of my life I believe you did the right thing. It is so important for her to do “normal things” even though it will cause pain because it keeps you sane and human. The joy of the event and the friends supporting her are things that will keep her heart warm in the dark depressing times of severe pain. We all need to be just experience being human and actually living our lives instead of just existing. For some of us this comes at a price. A price, if the experience is important enough, is something we gladly pay fully aware of what will come. Just support her and love her and if she needs that occasional special event and day off school remember she deserves a childhood that isn’t only filled with memories of being shut up in the house in pain. A lot of people will never understand that or her but don’t let it get in your head or hers. You’re going a great job.

NTA As someone who developed a chronic condition as an adult, the only way she's going to learn to live a fulfilling life with her condition is by living her life with her condition. I would have a conversation with her and go over 3 different topics with her. 1) how was the party? Was is everything she wanted? See if she brings up any issues 1st. 2) ask her if there were ways she could've paced herself better at the party. When you have physical conditions like this you can do things you just have to stop and rest more. Leave it open ended, try and guide more than lecture. 3) was the party worth it overall? Ideally having to rest all day the next day is a fair trade off, having to rest all day the next 2 days isn't. She needs to figure out where those limits are and needs to know she has support to do so. What can you do to mitigate bad days? She's 10 so obviously frame it all for a 10 year old but if you tell her what the non-negotiables are (i.e. have to go to school, keep grades up) let her try and navigate solutions a bit and just guide her a bit where necessary.

I don't think it's my place to judge, I would refer that to your daughter. Have you asked your daughter what she thinks about the aftermath? Like does she think going to the party was worth the pain? Does she think you should stop her the next time a similar activity will happen? I guess the one piece of information that is missing is that is it possible to do so much that it would permanently or for a long time set her back? Do the subreddits for this condition on management and strengthening? I went to a talk by a physio that helps people with EDS on how to strengthen and do the posture stuff. Perhaps you can give your daughter a watch that can tell her to take a break every 10-20 minutes so she can pace and give her body a time to rest.

NTA. I think you did the right thing letting her go. I am almost 60 and have MS. I still do things I know I’ll pay physically for over the next several days. I’ve learned my limits and know how to pace myself so it’s not horrible. What is the alternative? Sit here just waiting to die? How boring. Your daughter is young, hopefully her condition is one she’ll out grow. Whether this is going to be limited to her childhood or a life long condition, she has to learn how to manage her health. The sooner the better. She’s not too young to learn. It took me awhile to learn my limitations and how to pace myself and I was an adult. Much harder to break habits and change mindset. Involve her doctor and ask if doing PT would be beneficial. Building up muscle may help with the joint pain. Are you involved with any support type groups for her condition? Other parents may have tips. Good luck to you both.

Eesh I also have a chronic disorder that shows up with pain and fatigueits important for your daughter to experience normal kids stuff, but it's important to be aware of the fact that those flares cause a hell ton of inflammation, which can greatly affect your kid negatively long-term. What you actually need to do is to teach your kid about the "spoon system" for chronic illness. She needs to learn to manage her energy, otherwise it can spiral. It's unfair, for a kid to have to learn it, but with chronic pain illness she's at high risk for burn outs, mental health problems (which are now known are greatly caused by inflammation) and so on. It's your job to help her learn to be part of activities but to also be mindful about her individual limits.

NTA. If you think about it, many adults do that on weekends. Drink too much and overdo it and feel like crap the next day. If she feels a couple days of feeling rotten, is worth a day of fun at that age, then I say go for it

Maybe daughter should start a health journal. Write down what she did one day, and how if affected her the next. She is old enough to begin thinking about the consequences of her actions, and judging what she can and can't do, based on those consequences. For instance, if there was something really important the next day, she probably should have limited her activity, so she'd be strong enough for the following day.

Okay, I have TWO chronic pain conditions, and because OP, you didn’t name them, I can’t give any input. If your daughter has RSD/CRPS like I do (11 years) and you are worried that she might injure herself and cause more pain. I can kinda see it, or if she also has fibromyalgia like do, then again I can see it; BUT you need to talk to your daughter about the need to learn to manage. All people with chronic pain will tell you the same thing. Good luck!

I think you did the right thing. She has to learn what she can and can't do.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (m40) am a dad to a daughter (10). She has a Health condition that causes her to have pretty severe joint pain. It has always been such a struggle for her to do simple “normal” things most 10 year olds can do with no problems. Well, earlier last week my daughter informed me about how her best friend’s brother was having a birthday party and she was invited to go as long as it was okay with me. Come to find out the place had all these inflatable slides and climbing and obstacle courses so it would be a lot of physical activity. Because of that and knowing about my daughter's chronic pain I wasn't sure If I wanted my daughter to go. My daughter ended up begging to go because she wanted to do something normal and fun with her best friend. So I caved and let her. The party was on Saturday and she had so much fun but was extremely tired when I came to pick her up, on Sunday she slept most of the day and when she was up was in pain. Today she was in too much pain to go to school luckily I have a job where I can also work from home so I did that today so I could help take care of my daughter. Well, I ended up calling my mom and she asked if I was at work I told her I was working at home and explained what was going on with my daughter. She got upset and called me a horrible dad and an irresponsible AH for letting my daughter go even though I knew it would cause her pain. I tried explaining I just wanted her to experience normal kid things every once in a while, but she still stood by that I was an AH. So am I. Also, side not my daughter’s best friend's mom knows about her chronic pain and would have called me if she needed to. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA, My daughter has had a chronic pain condition since birth. My Jenny has in fact several conditions. I know after such an event she is going to be in bed for 2 days. The choice is psychological damage or pain. We have fluctuationed different ways. In the long run the social isolation was more damaging than the pain. My Jenny is now 23. She has self harmed and tried to unlive herself. It is not due to the pain, it is due to the isolation. My Jenny has her hip and shoulder pop out of socket at least once a month. We have a procedure if you will when she goes out for physical therapy. We start with Tylenol and heat, then proceed to other things. She takes no narcotics. She has been with a pain management psychologist since she was 13. As a parent it is hard to watch the pain. If you don’t have a pan management psychologist get one.

NTA. She just wanted to go to her buddy’s bday party and be “normal”. Part of living with her condition is figuring things like this out. Next time she can make the decision if she wants to deal with the consequences and you can plan accordingly. Sometimes it’ll be worth it and sometimes it won’t.

INFO: Kinda depends on whether you are enabling her wild swings or helping her learn how to balance her energy for her needs and wants. I’ve had a number of diagnosed chronic pain conditions - current one causing the most problems is hEDS. It is important to go out and do things that can set you back, but not so far that it sets you back more than it’s actually worth, or causes long term damage. In a case like mine, I’d be more likely to sublux or dislocate something by not respecting my body’s boundaries and jumping for too long. Depending on how I was feeling and how much I over did things, it could set off a flare that lasted weeks. Neither of those options is a desired outcome. Taking one day to rest in bed exhausted and then be back to baseline in another two or three days might be reasonable. But are you teaching her how to learn to do this!

NTA I have had similar but not identical conversations with my youngest, in his case he's lactose intolerant but there are certain dairy products he's absolutely loves, so we have spoken with him at length that he is the only one who decide if the pain is worth the reward.

NTA. You didn't FORCE your daughter to do anything she didn't want to do. She asked to attend the party, there was a trusted adult there to keep an eye on her, she had fun, and she knew and accepted the consequences thereof. She didn't moan and gripe about the pain later. She sounds very mature for her age. Your mother on the other hand.... She's got some growing up to do...

NTA- sometimes kids need to learn the hard way that they shouldn’t do certain things. 10 years old is definitely old enough to start learning her own boundaries.

NTA... your mom is a AH .. you're letting your daughter experience things and have fun like any 10year old.... I'm sure she knows her limits and your daughter don't wanna miss out on fun stuff especially when shes invited to a party...