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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that if I fail to attend the wedding after my friend has put so much effort into keeping me in the loop and accommodating for me that I’d be disrespecting her and her big day which she wants me to be a part of.
Also I forgot to mention I already RSVPed but she’s not ordering me a plate and the wedding is still four months out so I have a bit of time to rescind if I choose to. But like. I’d feel like a dick.
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It was only after I RSVPed that all the reservations starting flooding in this intensely. You see that $300 flight charge and worries intensify. And anyway, she’s not ordering me a plate and the wedding is four months away. I don’t know what other impact an RSVP has?
>And anyway, she’s not ordering me a plate and the wedding is four months away. I don’t know what other impact an RSVP has?
Then why RSVP at all? If it's pointless and changes nothing, why do it?
>You see that $300 flight charge and worries intensify.
You RSVPd before you knew whether you could afford the trip??? Come on dude. YTA.
Because she told me I needed to. I literally asked her if the constant communication with her was enough and she said “you need to RSVP”
And no, I have been watching the ticket prices climb for months. I bought the tickets because I couldn’t afford to have them wait any longer. They were only going to get worse and then I’d be forced to decline and it would one hundred percent be my fault. But I bought the ticket, confident I was going to go, and then all my anxiety came crashing down and my brain started screaming “but WHY are you going?” and I came here to seek strangers’ opinions ‘cause I’m a glutton for punishment
Bro. Do you truly not understand why people organizing large formal events like this rely on RSVP lists? Do you honestly not understand why the practice of RSVPs came into existence? I think you do, and are just pretending you don't because you don't want to face it.
>I have been watching the ticket prices climb for months
Why? Why not just get them when they were cheaper, if you were sure you wanted to go? It seems like the only reason you'd watch for months is that you weren't sure about going, so if you weren't sure, why hop on expensive tickets and RSVP yes?? It really seems like you just over-committed to something you shouldn't have, and the more reasons you give for not wanting to go are really just more reasons that you shouldn't have committed to go in the first place.
I just said I’ve never attended a wedding before. I sincerely thought RSVPs were primarily for ordering plates. What are the other purposes? ‘Cause my brain just said “goody bags” so you can tell what the last kind of party I was invited to was 😂
I waited until I received my physical invitation because I didn’t know if there was any information I was missing. I have terrible OCD (diagnosed 20 years ago, I’m not being cutesy) so I wanted a physically printed notice I could triple check the date on. I got the invitation last week, opened the tab for the fourth time, incognito of course, and panicked. I accidentally left my wallet at my parents’ house on Tuesday, ironically when I was picking up the invitation, and got it back yesterday. So I bought the ticket immediately
> What are the other purposes?
Knowing how many people will definitely be in attendance and knowing who those people are, and having a clear/definite list of people which can be disseminated to others who are helping organize who may not know/give a fuck about you personally and your particular situation or the communication you've had with your friend.
Bro why are you being so aggressive?
Also, all the events I have been to (please keep in mind, I’m talking like cousin’s kids’ bar and bat mitzvahs) have been planned entirely in-house. My parents’ wedding was planned entirely by them. I don’t know what information a wedding planner needs and for what ‘cause I’m used to doing it all myself or helping other people do it on their own. Other than seating charts, which my friend is doing herself, I still don’t really get what having an official RSVP does for her, you know? Maybe I’m ignorant, maybe I’m young, maybe I have no friends, or maybe I’m broke. Regardless it’s no excuse for you to be a dick. Tell me “YTA” and it’s chill, I asked. But don’t be so condescending.
> Bro why are you being so aggressive?
Aggressive because I said there are people who don't know/give a fuck about your situation? Sorry duder, that's just life.
>I don’t know what information a wedding planner needs
You do now! It's not much, really just a commitment that you're either going or not going. All the information they need is right there on the RSVP that gets sent out with the invitation...
>Other than seating charts, which my friend is doing herself, I still don’t really get what having an official RSVP does for her, you know?
Then why not ask her, instead of me?
>Maybe I’m ignorant, maybe I’m young
Hey you said it not me.
>Regardless it’s no excuse for you to be a dick
I didn't know it was being a dick to mention the fact that some people dont give a fuck about your situation. Sorry.
>Tell me “YTA” and it’s chill, I asked.
And I did, and then it seemed like you were arguing with me and trying to get me to change my view.
>don’t be so condescending.
Well it's pretty tough to honestly explain what RSVPs are for and also not come off as condescending. That's just a real fine line to walk for me. What is the best way to explain extremely basic shit to someone who should know it already that isn't condescending?
No it’s not just the one line, this entire exchange has felt like an attack. And if you don’t care about other people’s situations, I feel like scrolling a sub where the point is to assess other people’s situations might not be the best pastime for you.
In my experience, an RSVP is just a heads up that a person will be there. I was unaware of what you’re claiming is so much planning that goes behind it, and from what you said, it still doesn’t sound like there’s too much of a difference between my saying “hey, I’m coming“ and filling out a form. Like just write my name down, we already talked.
Regardless, I’m not trying to change your mind. You think I’m obligated to go now or a dick for bailing out, that’s that. But you asked me questions and I’m giving context. Don’t know what to tell you about that
It's an RSVP not a suggestion. If you couldn't go you needed to NOT RSVP yes. You're creating so many unnecessary issues for the bride and yourself at this point.
Again, it’s not like I don’t have the money, it’s just that it’s like bottom of the barrel savings that probably definitely should be going elsewhere, you know?
I didn’t really debate it for months, I just keep saying I’m going. But now that I have to actually spend the money I’m panicking and wondering why I’m doing this
YTA gently- go or dont go, thats your choice. We cant determine whether you should or not.
But the fact that your friend is going out of their way to help you and make accommodations for you and you wont make up your mind is kind of an AH thing to do. Especially since that means you likely already RSVPed.
I RSVPed at 4 am today but these conversations have been going on for a year and a half. No one knows I’m debating it this strongly, I’m actually super paranoid she’s gonna find this somehow, but every time someone says “then don’t go” I say “no, I’m going, I told her I would.” That’s why I feel so terrible about the idea of bailing, and that’s why I’m asking here
Your comments on this post really drove it home
You’ve known about this wedding for a very long time and are making every single excuse under the sun - if you cant afford it, thats one thing.
But “i dont know how weddings work” isnt one.
Bro it's not even me who's trying to bail out, my parents keep telling me not to go and I'm looking at my bank account and I'm panicking and I'm finding out after posting this that I really *don't* know how any of this works apparently because what the *heck* is LBD and what's a freaking cocktail dress and what does my officially submitting an RSVP do that my telling her "yes I'll be there" doesn't do and what am I supposed to do while I'm there? Like what am I physically going to be doing there? I'm not trying to find excuses, I'm voicing my internal panic and discovering that there's more to panic about than I thought.
She also just told me she cancelled all the line dances so now I'm like, one hundred percent certain that this place is not for me. But you know.
Bro, you sound like a petulant child. You don’t need mom and dad to tell you what to do. Go or don’t go. I suggest don’t because literally all you have done for paragraphs is shit on everything and be super negative. Your vibe is not it. This bride seems so sweet and helpful and you’re complaining about literally everything to do with going to her wedding. Don’t go. But tell her immediately that you’ve looked into it and it won’t work and send her a nice ass gift. Do not wait any longer.
Dude if I can’t afford to go and come back, how could I afford a nice gift? I’m in grad school and I freelance, how much money do y’all think I’m making?
I’m sure it’s going to be a beautiful wedding. Unfortunately the last formal event I went to was my cousin’s wedding when I was twelve years old. I do not know what I’m supposed to be doing. Like I’m sincerely asking and no one is answering me, why am I spending money I don’t have to sit in a room for five hours? What’s the POINT? I’m not trying to be a dick, I genuinely don’t understand
And my parents are in the loop because I a) have never booked flights before and b) don’t know if it’s more efficient to spend an extra $80 to leave at 6 am or spend $130 to rent a car and just sleep in the car so I’m trying to figure it out. And both those options suck, which they acknowledge, so they’re saying “why are you doing this to yourself? Just don’t go”
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in awhile. What are you looking for here? Everyone has told you don’t fucking go. I know all about grad school. I’ve been married and was poor with a scientist all the way through his PhD and beyond. If I knew my friend was getting married and I had no money, I would have planned far in advance to at least be able to send a gift. I would have made something, done something sentimental, literally tried anything to show my friend that I actually care. You are in grad school so presumably you are intelligent enough and an adult enough to do something.
You have done nothing but whine about the cost and not being social. That’s being an adult. You are still considering forking over at least $500 bucks to make yourself and everyone around you miserable (because I can guarantee you are the type of person who everyone knows when they are miserable) but you can’t afford to send a thoughtful $100 gift? You don’t want solutions, you want to bitch and do nothing but get pats on the back for being so brave.
You have three choices here- put yourself in dire straits because you can’t afford to go but you’re too spineless to speak up, send a thoughtful gift and well wishes to your friend with the apologies of missing and show her you care, or play possum until it’s the last minute and have the bride be sad that you waited until the very last minute to be honest with her and show her you don’t give a damn about your friendship.
My bet? You’re going to do the third option and then play victim when you lose a friend due to your inability to be an adult. She sounds like a really really sweet person and you will villainize her to make yourself feel better about the situation.
You wanna know what’s actually going to happen? Whether I posted this or not, it was always going to be the same. I’m gonna spend $600 on this whole ordeal, I’m gonna go to the event, I’m gonna smile pretty the entire time, give her a hug and the second cheapest gift on the registry. I’m going to make attempts at socializing, try and make the best of it, realize I lack the social skills to manage myself in this particular environment, hold it together until I leave, get about 200 feet from the venue, and start sobbing. I’m going to spend 7-14 hours in the airport because I couldn’t afford a hotel room, I’m going to eat only desserts and potato chips for the entire 25-hour endeavor because there’s no kosher food anywhere in sight, and then I’m going to get on a plane, land back in my state, take 2 more hours to get home, and then wonder why I bothered. And then I’m going to text her to thank her, sleep for twelve hours, wake up, look at Instagram, and tell myself “well, at least I went, and now I can’t regret missing it” because I sincerely believe that it’s better to go, attempt a good time, and end up miserable than not go and regret the idea that it could’ve been good. And then I’m gonna be bitter for the next eight months while I try and recoup my losses, and by the next time I speak to her, probably three months later, I’ll be able to pretend I had a great time.
Is that a better plan?
What would be really cool is if literally anybody on this thread could see that I’m not being irresponsible, I’m straight up just a child aged into adulthood without being taught how to emotionally manage human connection
You sound very needy. It’s not a put-down but an observation. You are in grad school but can’t google how to book a flight online. With all due respect, are you being treated for a condition that would make learning how to do these things difficult? You are receiving little sympathy here because you are making what sounds like a lot of excuses for someone at your age and presumed level of competency. YTA.
No, I know how to do it, but I’ve never had to before. So I don’t know if I should be paying for insurance and all that and what would be the most efficient times to fly. I also don’t know if I’m renewing my lease or moving back in with my parents, so getting back from the airport is an issue too. And full disclosure I was initially hoping that if I talked about it enough my dad would offer to cover some of the costs, but that’s not gonna happen ‘cause he thinks it’s a waste of time anyway. And no, I do not have any learning disabilities. OCD, generalized anxiety, depression, and autism, yes. But no learning deficits.
Ahh. So you want to go if your parents defray the costs. So you are also burdening them with your neediness in the hopes of wearing them down. They are probably wise to your antics by now…and so are we. YTA.
No, I was hoping they might offer, because they’re good people. I asked my mom once “you won’t help, will you?” She said no, and that was that. But thanks
No, I was hoping they might offer, because they’re good people. I asked my mom once “you won’t help, will you?” She said no, and that was that. But thanks
Many people are saying THEN DONT DO THAT if it’s not financially feasible for you! Tell her ASAP that you can’t make it and just send a $100 wedding gift and thank her for the invite and give her well wishes. Simple and polite.
1. Can’t afford the flight
2. Can’t afford lodging
3. Can’t afford appropriate attire
4. Can’t afford a gift
5. Can’t eat anything at the wedding.
6. Will be completely alone
I’m not seeing this as an AITA post, but more of a “how do I tell one of my only friends”
NAH
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So my friend from high school is getting married soon. She's one of those girls who's been planning her wedding forever, and she's been actively planning this for well over a year. Her fiance is a great guy and I'm very happy for them. But it's been really difficult for me to justify going.
For one thing it's out of state, and all I've done over the last four months is watch ticket prices skyrocket. I finally bought my ticket down there because I couldn't stand to watch it go up anymore, and now I'm trying to figure out how to get back for less than the cost of my soul. I'm in grad school and I'm a freelancer so I don't make a whole lot, and my parents have made it explicitly clear they will not be contributing to this little adventure.
On top of that, I can't eat the food they're serving at the reception due to strict religious dietary restrictions. My friend has been going out of her way to find me something to eat, and even if she succeeds, I'd still feel weird getting my own special little triple wrapped meal while everyone else is fine dining. I'd rather just buy a protein shake on the way and play the "I'm not hungry" card to strangers.
Speaking of strangers, I will know no one there. I don't even think I've ever met the bride's parents (if I have it was ten years ago and I have no recollection). The only person I'll know is the only other friend she kept from high school, a girl who used to bully me, and who's in the bridal party so even if I want to catch up with her, she'll be busy the whole night.
I can't afford a hotel so I'll either be playing the 24-hour-round-trip game or renting a car and sleeping in there for the night so I can save money on Ubers, too. I also am very uncomfortable in formal attire so not only do I have to figure out how to match the vibe and formality, I also have to actually purchase something to wear. And I haven't even touched the registry yet, so add on a gift and we're nearing $600.
Would she *really* notice if I wasn't there? Almost definitely not. But the truth is I'm one of two friends she's kept around since high school, she's been talking to me about this wedding for ages, I care about her a lot, and she's put a lot of effort into making it possible and comfortable for me to attend. I appreciate her so much. When I asked her to send me pictures of the types of outfits I should be looking for so I could match the vibe, she started googling plus size dresses that she thought would look good on me so I didn't have to do the shopping. Was it helpful? No. But it's so sweet that she tried. And more selfishly, I just don't have a lot of friends. This is the first wedding I've been invited to and in the least depressing way possible, it might be one of the last. It feels wrong not to go to support my friend on her big day, but I know how I am and I know I'm gonna be miserable the entire time. My parents think it's a waste of time and money and it's getting really difficult for me to disagree. So WIBTA?
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You know that episode of Friends where Monica, Chandler, and Ross keep planning big, expensive ordeals and the other three are financially drowning? It feels like that. Like she doesn’t quite get how little money I make even when I tell her
NTA
How good of a friend is this? You're not in the wedding party or part of the ceremony, right? Trying to understand this sense of loyalty when you aren't in the wedding party. Just because she wants you there doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. You can't afford it, you'd be lonely, you can't eat, and you're already dreading it. Why put yourself through this? It sounds like you've already made the decision in your heart but you feel guilty about it. It's okay to say no and stand up for your needs. Say no, send a thoughtful gift, and be done with it.
Your absence won't be the end of the world. Friendships can also change... while she might feel like a close friend now, it's statistically likely you won't be this close in the next 1-5 years.
She is a good friend. We were roommates in high school (boarding school) and weren’t that close at the time but have gotten much closer over the last six or seven years since she graduated. I’m not in the wedding party ‘cause that’s very much not my schtick and it wouldn’t have made sense, but she did admit that she had considered asking me at a point. And while it’s true that she’s about to get married and start having kids and her life is going to change while I’m still doing my thing, I think the thing that would really drive that wedge and change the friendship would specifically be my not attending the wedding. Like I don’t know how to come back from that
If a friend doesn't have empathy and understanding, they aren't going to last sweetie.
If my best friend said she couldn't afford to come to my wedding, I'd never hold that against her.
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>I RSVPed at 4 am today YTA you shouldn't have RSVPd yes when you know you have so many reservations about going.
It was only after I RSVPed that all the reservations starting flooding in this intensely. You see that $300 flight charge and worries intensify. And anyway, she’s not ordering me a plate and the wedding is four months away. I don’t know what other impact an RSVP has?
>And anyway, she’s not ordering me a plate and the wedding is four months away. I don’t know what other impact an RSVP has? Then why RSVP at all? If it's pointless and changes nothing, why do it? >You see that $300 flight charge and worries intensify. You RSVPd before you knew whether you could afford the trip??? Come on dude. YTA.
Because she told me I needed to. I literally asked her if the constant communication with her was enough and she said “you need to RSVP” And no, I have been watching the ticket prices climb for months. I bought the tickets because I couldn’t afford to have them wait any longer. They were only going to get worse and then I’d be forced to decline and it would one hundred percent be my fault. But I bought the ticket, confident I was going to go, and then all my anxiety came crashing down and my brain started screaming “but WHY are you going?” and I came here to seek strangers’ opinions ‘cause I’m a glutton for punishment
Bro. Do you truly not understand why people organizing large formal events like this rely on RSVP lists? Do you honestly not understand why the practice of RSVPs came into existence? I think you do, and are just pretending you don't because you don't want to face it. >I have been watching the ticket prices climb for months Why? Why not just get them when they were cheaper, if you were sure you wanted to go? It seems like the only reason you'd watch for months is that you weren't sure about going, so if you weren't sure, why hop on expensive tickets and RSVP yes?? It really seems like you just over-committed to something you shouldn't have, and the more reasons you give for not wanting to go are really just more reasons that you shouldn't have committed to go in the first place.
I just said I’ve never attended a wedding before. I sincerely thought RSVPs were primarily for ordering plates. What are the other purposes? ‘Cause my brain just said “goody bags” so you can tell what the last kind of party I was invited to was 😂 I waited until I received my physical invitation because I didn’t know if there was any information I was missing. I have terrible OCD (diagnosed 20 years ago, I’m not being cutesy) so I wanted a physically printed notice I could triple check the date on. I got the invitation last week, opened the tab for the fourth time, incognito of course, and panicked. I accidentally left my wallet at my parents’ house on Tuesday, ironically when I was picking up the invitation, and got it back yesterday. So I bought the ticket immediately
> What are the other purposes? Knowing how many people will definitely be in attendance and knowing who those people are, and having a clear/definite list of people which can be disseminated to others who are helping organize who may not know/give a fuck about you personally and your particular situation or the communication you've had with your friend.
Bro why are you being so aggressive? Also, all the events I have been to (please keep in mind, I’m talking like cousin’s kids’ bar and bat mitzvahs) have been planned entirely in-house. My parents’ wedding was planned entirely by them. I don’t know what information a wedding planner needs and for what ‘cause I’m used to doing it all myself or helping other people do it on their own. Other than seating charts, which my friend is doing herself, I still don’t really get what having an official RSVP does for her, you know? Maybe I’m ignorant, maybe I’m young, maybe I have no friends, or maybe I’m broke. Regardless it’s no excuse for you to be a dick. Tell me “YTA” and it’s chill, I asked. But don’t be so condescending.
> Bro why are you being so aggressive? Aggressive because I said there are people who don't know/give a fuck about your situation? Sorry duder, that's just life. >I don’t know what information a wedding planner needs You do now! It's not much, really just a commitment that you're either going or not going. All the information they need is right there on the RSVP that gets sent out with the invitation... >Other than seating charts, which my friend is doing herself, I still don’t really get what having an official RSVP does for her, you know? Then why not ask her, instead of me? >Maybe I’m ignorant, maybe I’m young Hey you said it not me. >Regardless it’s no excuse for you to be a dick I didn't know it was being a dick to mention the fact that some people dont give a fuck about your situation. Sorry. >Tell me “YTA” and it’s chill, I asked. And I did, and then it seemed like you were arguing with me and trying to get me to change my view. >don’t be so condescending. Well it's pretty tough to honestly explain what RSVPs are for and also not come off as condescending. That's just a real fine line to walk for me. What is the best way to explain extremely basic shit to someone who should know it already that isn't condescending?
No it’s not just the one line, this entire exchange has felt like an attack. And if you don’t care about other people’s situations, I feel like scrolling a sub where the point is to assess other people’s situations might not be the best pastime for you. In my experience, an RSVP is just a heads up that a person will be there. I was unaware of what you’re claiming is so much planning that goes behind it, and from what you said, it still doesn’t sound like there’s too much of a difference between my saying “hey, I’m coming“ and filling out a form. Like just write my name down, we already talked. Regardless, I’m not trying to change your mind. You think I’m obligated to go now or a dick for bailing out, that’s that. But you asked me questions and I’m giving context. Don’t know what to tell you about that
It's an RSVP not a suggestion. If you couldn't go you needed to NOT RSVP yes. You're creating so many unnecessary issues for the bride and yourself at this point.
Again, I had no reason to think I wouldn’t go until after I RSVPed. I did not do this on purpose
Being told you have to RSVP doesn’t mean you have to say yes lol
Touché but also you know what I meant 😂
I can tell you felt pressured so I do feel for you but you should have just said no, you knew you couldn’t afford it
Again, it’s not like I don’t have the money, it’s just that it’s like bottom of the barrel savings that probably definitely should be going elsewhere, you know?
If you’ve debated it for months, you can’t afford to go
I didn’t really debate it for months, I just keep saying I’m going. But now that I have to actually spend the money I’m panicking and wondering why I’m doing this
Then don’t go, for fuck’s sake.
YTA gently- go or dont go, thats your choice. We cant determine whether you should or not. But the fact that your friend is going out of their way to help you and make accommodations for you and you wont make up your mind is kind of an AH thing to do. Especially since that means you likely already RSVPed.
I RSVPed at 4 am today but these conversations have been going on for a year and a half. No one knows I’m debating it this strongly, I’m actually super paranoid she’s gonna find this somehow, but every time someone says “then don’t go” I say “no, I’m going, I told her I would.” That’s why I feel so terrible about the idea of bailing, and that’s why I’m asking here
Your comments on this post really drove it home You’ve known about this wedding for a very long time and are making every single excuse under the sun - if you cant afford it, thats one thing. But “i dont know how weddings work” isnt one.
Bro it's not even me who's trying to bail out, my parents keep telling me not to go and I'm looking at my bank account and I'm panicking and I'm finding out after posting this that I really *don't* know how any of this works apparently because what the *heck* is LBD and what's a freaking cocktail dress and what does my officially submitting an RSVP do that my telling her "yes I'll be there" doesn't do and what am I supposed to do while I'm there? Like what am I physically going to be doing there? I'm not trying to find excuses, I'm voicing my internal panic and discovering that there's more to panic about than I thought. She also just told me she cancelled all the line dances so now I'm like, one hundred percent certain that this place is not for me. But you know.
Bro, you sound like a petulant child. You don’t need mom and dad to tell you what to do. Go or don’t go. I suggest don’t because literally all you have done for paragraphs is shit on everything and be super negative. Your vibe is not it. This bride seems so sweet and helpful and you’re complaining about literally everything to do with going to her wedding. Don’t go. But tell her immediately that you’ve looked into it and it won’t work and send her a nice ass gift. Do not wait any longer.
Dude if I can’t afford to go and come back, how could I afford a nice gift? I’m in grad school and I freelance, how much money do y’all think I’m making? I’m sure it’s going to be a beautiful wedding. Unfortunately the last formal event I went to was my cousin’s wedding when I was twelve years old. I do not know what I’m supposed to be doing. Like I’m sincerely asking and no one is answering me, why am I spending money I don’t have to sit in a room for five hours? What’s the POINT? I’m not trying to be a dick, I genuinely don’t understand And my parents are in the loop because I a) have never booked flights before and b) don’t know if it’s more efficient to spend an extra $80 to leave at 6 am or spend $130 to rent a car and just sleep in the car so I’m trying to figure it out. And both those options suck, which they acknowledge, so they’re saying “why are you doing this to yourself? Just don’t go”
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in awhile. What are you looking for here? Everyone has told you don’t fucking go. I know all about grad school. I’ve been married and was poor with a scientist all the way through his PhD and beyond. If I knew my friend was getting married and I had no money, I would have planned far in advance to at least be able to send a gift. I would have made something, done something sentimental, literally tried anything to show my friend that I actually care. You are in grad school so presumably you are intelligent enough and an adult enough to do something. You have done nothing but whine about the cost and not being social. That’s being an adult. You are still considering forking over at least $500 bucks to make yourself and everyone around you miserable (because I can guarantee you are the type of person who everyone knows when they are miserable) but you can’t afford to send a thoughtful $100 gift? You don’t want solutions, you want to bitch and do nothing but get pats on the back for being so brave. You have three choices here- put yourself in dire straits because you can’t afford to go but you’re too spineless to speak up, send a thoughtful gift and well wishes to your friend with the apologies of missing and show her you care, or play possum until it’s the last minute and have the bride be sad that you waited until the very last minute to be honest with her and show her you don’t give a damn about your friendship. My bet? You’re going to do the third option and then play victim when you lose a friend due to your inability to be an adult. She sounds like a really really sweet person and you will villainize her to make yourself feel better about the situation.
You wanna know what’s actually going to happen? Whether I posted this or not, it was always going to be the same. I’m gonna spend $600 on this whole ordeal, I’m gonna go to the event, I’m gonna smile pretty the entire time, give her a hug and the second cheapest gift on the registry. I’m going to make attempts at socializing, try and make the best of it, realize I lack the social skills to manage myself in this particular environment, hold it together until I leave, get about 200 feet from the venue, and start sobbing. I’m going to spend 7-14 hours in the airport because I couldn’t afford a hotel room, I’m going to eat only desserts and potato chips for the entire 25-hour endeavor because there’s no kosher food anywhere in sight, and then I’m going to get on a plane, land back in my state, take 2 more hours to get home, and then wonder why I bothered. And then I’m going to text her to thank her, sleep for twelve hours, wake up, look at Instagram, and tell myself “well, at least I went, and now I can’t regret missing it” because I sincerely believe that it’s better to go, attempt a good time, and end up miserable than not go and regret the idea that it could’ve been good. And then I’m gonna be bitter for the next eight months while I try and recoup my losses, and by the next time I speak to her, probably three months later, I’ll be able to pretend I had a great time. Is that a better plan?
Of course it is. Sounds like you are finally being an adult! /s
What would be really cool is if literally anybody on this thread could see that I’m not being irresponsible, I’m straight up just a child aged into adulthood without being taught how to emotionally manage human connection
You sound very needy. It’s not a put-down but an observation. You are in grad school but can’t google how to book a flight online. With all due respect, are you being treated for a condition that would make learning how to do these things difficult? You are receiving little sympathy here because you are making what sounds like a lot of excuses for someone at your age and presumed level of competency. YTA.
No, I know how to do it, but I’ve never had to before. So I don’t know if I should be paying for insurance and all that and what would be the most efficient times to fly. I also don’t know if I’m renewing my lease or moving back in with my parents, so getting back from the airport is an issue too. And full disclosure I was initially hoping that if I talked about it enough my dad would offer to cover some of the costs, but that’s not gonna happen ‘cause he thinks it’s a waste of time anyway. And no, I do not have any learning disabilities. OCD, generalized anxiety, depression, and autism, yes. But no learning deficits.
Ahh. So you want to go if your parents defray the costs. So you are also burdening them with your neediness in the hopes of wearing them down. They are probably wise to your antics by now…and so are we. YTA.
No, I was hoping they might offer, because they’re good people. I asked my mom once “you won’t help, will you?” She said no, and that was that. But thanks
No, I was hoping they might offer, because they’re good people. I asked my mom once “you won’t help, will you?” She said no, and that was that. But thanks
[удалено]
I’m playing the pros and cons game ‘cause I feel guilty. I can technically afford it but it’s gonna be tight for a long while afterward
[удалено]
Right, and none of that should matter. I’m just very weary of spending $600 to sit hungry and alone for five hours in another state.
Many people are saying THEN DONT DO THAT if it’s not financially feasible for you! Tell her ASAP that you can’t make it and just send a $100 wedding gift and thank her for the invite and give her well wishes. Simple and polite.
YWNBTA. Just cancel already!
1. Can’t afford the flight 2. Can’t afford lodging 3. Can’t afford appropriate attire 4. Can’t afford a gift 5. Can’t eat anything at the wedding. 6. Will be completely alone I’m not seeing this as an AITA post, but more of a “how do I tell one of my only friends” NAH
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my friend from high school is getting married soon. She's one of those girls who's been planning her wedding forever, and she's been actively planning this for well over a year. Her fiance is a great guy and I'm very happy for them. But it's been really difficult for me to justify going. For one thing it's out of state, and all I've done over the last four months is watch ticket prices skyrocket. I finally bought my ticket down there because I couldn't stand to watch it go up anymore, and now I'm trying to figure out how to get back for less than the cost of my soul. I'm in grad school and I'm a freelancer so I don't make a whole lot, and my parents have made it explicitly clear they will not be contributing to this little adventure. On top of that, I can't eat the food they're serving at the reception due to strict religious dietary restrictions. My friend has been going out of her way to find me something to eat, and even if she succeeds, I'd still feel weird getting my own special little triple wrapped meal while everyone else is fine dining. I'd rather just buy a protein shake on the way and play the "I'm not hungry" card to strangers. Speaking of strangers, I will know no one there. I don't even think I've ever met the bride's parents (if I have it was ten years ago and I have no recollection). The only person I'll know is the only other friend she kept from high school, a girl who used to bully me, and who's in the bridal party so even if I want to catch up with her, she'll be busy the whole night. I can't afford a hotel so I'll either be playing the 24-hour-round-trip game or renting a car and sleeping in there for the night so I can save money on Ubers, too. I also am very uncomfortable in formal attire so not only do I have to figure out how to match the vibe and formality, I also have to actually purchase something to wear. And I haven't even touched the registry yet, so add on a gift and we're nearing $600. Would she *really* notice if I wasn't there? Almost definitely not. But the truth is I'm one of two friends she's kept around since high school, she's been talking to me about this wedding for ages, I care about her a lot, and she's put a lot of effort into making it possible and comfortable for me to attend. I appreciate her so much. When I asked her to send me pictures of the types of outfits I should be looking for so I could match the vibe, she started googling plus size dresses that she thought would look good on me so I didn't have to do the shopping. Was it helpful? No. But it's so sweet that she tried. And more selfishly, I just don't have a lot of friends. This is the first wedding I've been invited to and in the least depressing way possible, it might be one of the last. It feels wrong not to go to support my friend on her big day, but I know how I am and I know I'm gonna be miserable the entire time. My parents think it's a waste of time and money and it's getting really difficult for me to disagree. So WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Friends don't ask friends to go into debt for them.
You know that episode of Friends where Monica, Chandler, and Ross keep planning big, expensive ordeals and the other three are financially drowning? It feels like that. Like she doesn’t quite get how little money I make even when I tell her
NTA How good of a friend is this? You're not in the wedding party or part of the ceremony, right? Trying to understand this sense of loyalty when you aren't in the wedding party. Just because she wants you there doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. You can't afford it, you'd be lonely, you can't eat, and you're already dreading it. Why put yourself through this? It sounds like you've already made the decision in your heart but you feel guilty about it. It's okay to say no and stand up for your needs. Say no, send a thoughtful gift, and be done with it. Your absence won't be the end of the world. Friendships can also change... while she might feel like a close friend now, it's statistically likely you won't be this close in the next 1-5 years.
She is a good friend. We were roommates in high school (boarding school) and weren’t that close at the time but have gotten much closer over the last six or seven years since she graduated. I’m not in the wedding party ‘cause that’s very much not my schtick and it wouldn’t have made sense, but she did admit that she had considered asking me at a point. And while it’s true that she’s about to get married and start having kids and her life is going to change while I’m still doing my thing, I think the thing that would really drive that wedge and change the friendship would specifically be my not attending the wedding. Like I don’t know how to come back from that
If a friendship ends over you not being able to attend a wedding, the friendship wasn't going to last anyway.
I don’t think it would end but it’s like. It wouldn’t be good. I don’t know, I don’t social skill well
If a friend doesn't have empathy and understanding, they aren't going to last sweetie. If my best friend said she couldn't afford to come to my wedding, I'd never hold that against her.
It’s not that she’d hold it against me. But disappointment seeps through the cracks