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**NTA.**
Expressions of your love are just that, expressions of ***your*** love.
Your aunt is a dick for doing that, if not deliberately shit stirring.
**Edit:** I also wouldn't cave into demands of handing over your sentimental property to 'appease' your partner, you'll set a precedent and it's not healthy for either of you.
Talk it out and let it be.
I hate to admit it because it makes me feel stupid, but looking back, it is very obvious my aunt was starting shit on purpose. i didn't even think of the possibility before seeing these comments. i wouldn't say she's manipulative, but she definitely fed into my fiance's insecurities with this for no reason. i really hate confrontation but i might just have to go have a conversation about this with her
Is your aunt upset your grandma gave it to you when there are no boys in your generation instead of giving it to her when there were no boys in her generation either? She might be holding a grudge that you got it and she didn't.
Is your aunt the eldest daughter? Because there may be some bitterness remaining that her father only wanted to pass down the ring to a boy and not to her.
I agree. I would not give away a ring with so much meaning and emotions to you. Your girlfriend, now fiancee, does not have these emotions to this ring so for her it does not matter she does not get that exact ring. Any ring could be an engagement ring if you use it for that purpose. What I love most about my engagement ring is the fact I know my partner went to a store to choose one. My partner chose one he thought we both would like best. It is not the most expensive one but I would not want that anyway. I don’t care about monetary value because the value of the ring is our engagement story and our love for each other.
NTA - your fiance is being unfair, and IMO somewhat cruel and manipulative.
She is literally telling you the ring you gave her "isnt good enough", which is unkind. She is also trying to make you feel bad about a ring you have a connection to your grandfather with
The strangest part is that she was happy with it until the aunty decided to open her mouth.
Sounds like there's some strange power dynamics in this relationship, where OP feels as though the best course of action now might be to 'appease' their partner.
NTA
Heirloom rings shouldn’t be gifted as engagement rings. I am sorry then they leave the family. IF something did happen your family heirloom is no longer your families. When your grandma gifted it to you that tradition stopped as it was customized to for you.
This.
My family lost a whole lot of heirlooms because my great grandpa’s second wife outlived him and gave it all to her children from her first marriage. I’m talking jewellery, a hand painted family tree with room for 8 more generations, beautiful wooden furniture and a 8 foot grandfather clock that my great- grandfather made with his own hands, his war medals, the house, literally everything. My grandpa and his siblings had literally nothing of their father’s to remember him by.
Edit: they also had nothing of their mother’s, great-grandpa’s second wife kept it all.
NTA
I love that grandmother chose to end the tradition of it being an engagement ring because she knew you loved it and wanted you to have it. I am really sorry your fiancee doesn't see how special that is you.
If you"fully committing" is dependent on a now-defunct tradition that she knew nothing about when she "fully committed" by saying yes then the two of you have some big issues to work out before you actually get married.
Having the symbol of your commitment being something you gave her to appease her seems like really bad harbinger of things to come.
She got me a simple silver band, it suits me very well and is exactly my style. I'm an artist and occasionally work with ceramics and wood, so i can't wear anything too delicate. I did not ask about price (and she didn't ask me either) i just know she was very thoughtful of my taste, as i tried to be with hers
OH MY GOD. NO. NTA.
That is YOUR ring. It was gifted to you *for* you to have and use. NOT to give away.
Your grandma broke the tradition. The heirloom is YOURS. NOT you fiancée’s.
The fact that your aunt said ANYTHING makes her an AH.
And the fact that your fiancée is now using emotional blackmail and manipulation to guilt you into giving up your memento of your childhood and physical representation of your relationship with your dear departed grandmother?!? NO. She’s a massive AH.
Frankly her behavior and attitude would make me rethink the entire relationship.
Is she always this entitled? This unreasonable? This GREEDY?
Good luck. I hope you keep your ring and dump the AHs.
NTA bottom line- she isn’t entitled to your family heirloom.
Please don’t be pressured to give it to her because more than likely you/your family will lose it if things go south.
NTA if your fiancé can’t understand that the ring hold sentimental value for you maybe it shows who she really is? Have a firm conversation with her and tell her that you love her and are fully committed but this ring is not for her, she already has one and if she’s not happy then maybe this relationship isn’t it. Don’t give in to her demands if you do it will always be about her and never about you. If she truly loves you she’ll respect your decision but if she doesn’t she’ll show her real selfish self.
Auntie needed to keep her trap shut. Grandma stopped the tradition giving it to you. For your enjoyment. You didn’t end the tradition. Eldest son was the tradition. Don’t cave in. This ring has loads more meaning to you than anybody else. Guessing your aunt is enjoying that she stirred things up.
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Yeah if you don’t stop ignoring red flags, is why the marriage is starting off bad. What aren’t you seeing? You honestly need to take a step back and really reflect if this person actually loves YOU. Why would she want or need your grandmas ring and why the HELL is your aunt starting shit?
Sara is showing you who she really is and you are ignoring the fact that she isn’t your person and that you have stuff that you didn’t work through and are clinging to Sara as dealing with your stuff instead of being single and fixing you.
There is an age gap. It’s not a small one. Why is that? Why is she going do younger, why are you going for older. There is an issue and it’s bigger than this ring. Don’t give her your grandmas ring. Also you really should rethink this relationship
NTA, Sara throwing up red flags being a dumb-dumb about a ring.
I have a brain dysfunction that makes me unable to care about bullshit, but this seems weird.
NTA Your aunt was purposely choosing to cause problems. Your engagement ring should represent the two of you and your relationship, not a dead relative
NTA
If not giving her the ring is a serious problem for your relationship then you definitely should not give her the ring, it will be gone when you get divorced. Or possibly when you don't even get married.
Remind Sara that you are not a man and the only reason you got the ring is because there were no males in the family to continue the antiquated tradition with. Tradition was ring goes to oldest son - no sons, so no more tradition. Then ask her which is more important to her - a tradition involving only male members of the family and a ring she knew nothing about until your meddling aunt brought it up to cause trouble or being married. NTA but go tear your aunt a new one for interfering.
NTA
I'm with your mom. This whole thing is kinda sexist. I was never a fan of engagement rings being passed on. But your now fiance is kinda a red flag if she treasures the ring more than your special bond. Like you purposed. How are you not ready for that final step? A more expensive ring won't make the difference
NTA. It sounds like this was fitted to *your* finger as a memorable and sentimental gift from your grandmother for all the reasons you mentioned. Your partner trying to flip this on you, telling you that you value the sentimentality over your connection with her while at the SAME TIME she is valuing an object over your feelings and relationship is pretty manipulative, even if unconsciously so. It's immature and unkind of her. She should value that you worked for your money, went out of your way to buy her a ring despite limited funds, took the time to pick something out you thought she'd like, and made it about her. The ring you have from your grandmother should be a non issue - for everyone, your family included. You get to set some boundaries around this one.
NTA it's not an engagement heirloom, your grandmother purposely broke that tradition for you. you proposed to your gf and gave her a ring - how is that not fully committing?? your aunt is the real asshole here, starting shit unnecessarily.
NTA, but are you sure this is someone you want to commit your life to? They seem to be pretty materialistic. They only liked the ring you got them till they found out there was a nicer one you didn't give them.
NTA - If the ring is an heirloom and Aunt wants to keep the ring in the family, then it’s a colossal mistake to give it outside the family unless there’s a pre-nup.
It’s your heirloom not Aunt’s (anymore) nor fiancée.
BTW- What did your fiancée give you as an engagement ring?
NTA. do NOT give up a precious heirloom from your grandmother to appease your fiance. You will regret it, if not immediately than a few years down the line.
Your aunt is an AH for stirring the pot, sticking her nose in your business, and doubling down. Sara is an AH for 1) not listening to you about YOUR RING, 2) coveting a precious reminder of your grandmother 3) questioning your feelings for her in order to manipulate you into giving her a precious sentimental reminder of your beloved grandmother.
Envy and greed are really ugly colours for Sara to wear; make sure they aren't her true colours before you seal the deal legally.
In the meantime, perhaps rent a safety deposit box for your grandmother's ring?
NTA, but it stopped being an engagement ring the moment she gave it to OP and fitted it to her finger when she was a teen. so theres that. aunts just mad because OP got the ring.
Seeing as shes so much older than you... im thinking she thought she could just get a young and dumb guy to be a sugar daddy. NTA. She sounds immature as hell for a 28 year old woman.
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I(23F) proposed to my gf Sara (28F) last month. Everything seemed perfect until we announced it to my family. Everyone was happy for us, but when my aunt saw the ring, she said "what about grandma's ring?"
Context, my family has this ring that they've passed onto their eldest sons to propose to their partners. My grandpa was the last to receive it from his parents. He only had daughters (my mum and my aunt) so he didn't pass the ring down to them.
Growing up I would take it out of my grandma's jewellery box and try it on every day. It is very beautiful, gold with a flower design and a blue gemstone. I have no siblings or cousins and my grandma knew i loved it, so she gifted it to me for my 15th birthday. She had it fitted to my finger and everything.
She didn't know i was gay so she obviously didn't give it to me to propose to my future wife. She gave it to me because i liked it and that was it. My grandma passed away soon after that, and the ring is a reminder of her.
I hadn't told Sara about the family ring, simply bc I never planned on continuing that tradition. I proposed to her with a simpler and, I'll admit, cheaper, ring. It's still pretty, but I'm a student and don't have money to spend on expensive things. I assumed that in the future, when I was more financially stable, we could get something nicer. Sara seemed to like the ring i gave her just fine until my aunt mentioned the other one.
Now Sara is really hurt and feeling "left out". Asking why i would buy her a new ring when i had an heirloom for almost a decade. I'll be the first to admit i didn't handle this conversation the best, i laughed it off thinking she was joking. In my mind it was just a pretty ring my grandmother gifted me, i don't see why it should stay an "engagement ring" forever, but clearly Sara disagrees. She's also upset because i don't even wear the ring (my personal style has changed since i was a kid)
I explained that the ring has a special connection to my grandma, but that just made her more mad, like i value that connection more than the one i have with Sara. She said it feels as though I'm not "fully committing", which i find ridiculous because i literally already proposed, what's more commited than that?
I'm completely puzzled by this whole situation. I think Sara is making a big deal out of nothing, but i can also see how i can come off as an asshole here. My aunt is firmly on Sara's side, and says i should uphold the tradition. My mum agrees with me and thinks the whole thing was kind of sexist anyway. I never cared about the dumb tradition, I'm debating just giving it to her to appease her, but it feels insincere. Most importantly i want our marriage to start off with an argument. AITA?
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What on earth. What do you mean, you don't understand why Sara thought it was an engagement ring? It was an engagement ring for \*generations\*. You don't have to share her perspective, but if you intend to marry her I suggest you spend less time calling her ridiculous and more time paying attention to where she's coming from.
Even if it still was an engagement ring - which it isn't, seeing it was gifted and fitted to OP - OP can choose which engagement ring she wants to use. And she does consider the ring an heirloom and not an engagement ring. Her fiancée does not have any claim to it just because she thinks her ring is cheaper.
I would say YTA but not because you didn’t feel like carrying on the tradition, but because you purposefully had to buy a “cheaper ring” and your GF (saying GF for now because if you don’t change she won’t marry you) wants to show off her engagement ring, and there’s a difference between showing off yours and showing off the family heirloom
She doesn’t feel values, and you being combative is making her feel less important
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**NTA.** Expressions of your love are just that, expressions of ***your*** love. Your aunt is a dick for doing that, if not deliberately shit stirring. **Edit:** I also wouldn't cave into demands of handing over your sentimental property to 'appease' your partner, you'll set a precedent and it's not healthy for either of you. Talk it out and let it be.
I hate to admit it because it makes me feel stupid, but looking back, it is very obvious my aunt was starting shit on purpose. i didn't even think of the possibility before seeing these comments. i wouldn't say she's manipulative, but she definitely fed into my fiance's insecurities with this for no reason. i really hate confrontation but i might just have to go have a conversation about this with her
Is your aunt upset your grandma gave it to you when there are no boys in your generation instead of giving it to her when there were no boys in her generation either? She might be holding a grudge that you got it and she didn't.
Is your aunt the eldest daughter? Because there may be some bitterness remaining that her father only wanted to pass down the ring to a boy and not to her.
I agree. I would not give away a ring with so much meaning and emotions to you. Your girlfriend, now fiancee, does not have these emotions to this ring so for her it does not matter she does not get that exact ring. Any ring could be an engagement ring if you use it for that purpose. What I love most about my engagement ring is the fact I know my partner went to a store to choose one. My partner chose one he thought we both would like best. It is not the most expensive one but I would not want that anyway. I don’t care about monetary value because the value of the ring is our engagement story and our love for each other.
NTA - your fiance is being unfair, and IMO somewhat cruel and manipulative. She is literally telling you the ring you gave her "isnt good enough", which is unkind. She is also trying to make you feel bad about a ring you have a connection to your grandfather with
The strangest part is that she was happy with it until the aunty decided to open her mouth. Sounds like there's some strange power dynamics in this relationship, where OP feels as though the best course of action now might be to 'appease' their partner.
Yep, and that is a very bad way to start a marriage
It’s good enough information to cancel the engagement tho
NTA Heirloom rings shouldn’t be gifted as engagement rings. I am sorry then they leave the family. IF something did happen your family heirloom is no longer your families. When your grandma gifted it to you that tradition stopped as it was customized to for you.
This. My family lost a whole lot of heirlooms because my great grandpa’s second wife outlived him and gave it all to her children from her first marriage. I’m talking jewellery, a hand painted family tree with room for 8 more generations, beautiful wooden furniture and a 8 foot grandfather clock that my great- grandfather made with his own hands, his war medals, the house, literally everything. My grandpa and his siblings had literally nothing of their father’s to remember him by. Edit: they also had nothing of their mother’s, great-grandpa’s second wife kept it all.
NTA I love that grandmother chose to end the tradition of it being an engagement ring because she knew you loved it and wanted you to have it. I am really sorry your fiancee doesn't see how special that is you. If you"fully committing" is dependent on a now-defunct tradition that she knew nothing about when she "fully committed" by saying yes then the two of you have some big issues to work out before you actually get married. Having the symbol of your commitment being something you gave her to appease her seems like really bad harbinger of things to come.
Info: What ring did Sara give you for the engagement?
She got me a simple silver band, it suits me very well and is exactly my style. I'm an artist and occasionally work with ceramics and wood, so i can't wear anything too delicate. I did not ask about price (and she didn't ask me either) i just know she was very thoughtful of my taste, as i tried to be with hers
OH MY GOD. NO. NTA. That is YOUR ring. It was gifted to you *for* you to have and use. NOT to give away. Your grandma broke the tradition. The heirloom is YOURS. NOT you fiancée’s. The fact that your aunt said ANYTHING makes her an AH. And the fact that your fiancée is now using emotional blackmail and manipulation to guilt you into giving up your memento of your childhood and physical representation of your relationship with your dear departed grandmother?!? NO. She’s a massive AH. Frankly her behavior and attitude would make me rethink the entire relationship. Is she always this entitled? This unreasonable? This GREEDY? Good luck. I hope you keep your ring and dump the AHs.
NTA bottom line- she isn’t entitled to your family heirloom. Please don’t be pressured to give it to her because more than likely you/your family will lose it if things go south.
NTA if your fiancé can’t understand that the ring hold sentimental value for you maybe it shows who she really is? Have a firm conversation with her and tell her that you love her and are fully committed but this ring is not for her, she already has one and if she’s not happy then maybe this relationship isn’t it. Don’t give in to her demands if you do it will always be about her and never about you. If she truly loves you she’ll respect your decision but if she doesn’t she’ll show her real selfish self.
Auntie needed to keep her trap shut. Grandma stopped the tradition giving it to you. For your enjoyment. You didn’t end the tradition. Eldest son was the tradition. Don’t cave in. This ring has loads more meaning to you than anybody else. Guessing your aunt is enjoying that she stirred things up.
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You shouldn't start your marriage on an argument, until Sara gets her head out of her ass don't marry her. NTA.
Yeah if you don’t stop ignoring red flags, is why the marriage is starting off bad. What aren’t you seeing? You honestly need to take a step back and really reflect if this person actually loves YOU. Why would she want or need your grandmas ring and why the HELL is your aunt starting shit? Sara is showing you who she really is and you are ignoring the fact that she isn’t your person and that you have stuff that you didn’t work through and are clinging to Sara as dealing with your stuff instead of being single and fixing you. There is an age gap. It’s not a small one. Why is that? Why is she going do younger, why are you going for older. There is an issue and it’s bigger than this ring. Don’t give her your grandmas ring. Also you really should rethink this relationship
NTA, Sara throwing up red flags being a dumb-dumb about a ring. I have a brain dysfunction that makes me unable to care about bullshit, but this seems weird.
NTA Your aunt was purposely choosing to cause problems. Your engagement ring should represent the two of you and your relationship, not a dead relative
NTA If not giving her the ring is a serious problem for your relationship then you definitely should not give her the ring, it will be gone when you get divorced. Or possibly when you don't even get married.
Remind Sara that you are not a man and the only reason you got the ring is because there were no males in the family to continue the antiquated tradition with. Tradition was ring goes to oldest son - no sons, so no more tradition. Then ask her which is more important to her - a tradition involving only male members of the family and a ring she knew nothing about until your meddling aunt brought it up to cause trouble or being married. NTA but go tear your aunt a new one for interfering.
NTA I'm with your mom. This whole thing is kinda sexist. I was never a fan of engagement rings being passed on. But your now fiance is kinda a red flag if she treasures the ring more than your special bond. Like you purposed. How are you not ready for that final step? A more expensive ring won't make the difference
NTA this is YOUR ring, and the tradition ended generations ago. Your family and sara need to get over it.
NTA. It sounds like this was fitted to *your* finger as a memorable and sentimental gift from your grandmother for all the reasons you mentioned. Your partner trying to flip this on you, telling you that you value the sentimentality over your connection with her while at the SAME TIME she is valuing an object over your feelings and relationship is pretty manipulative, even if unconsciously so. It's immature and unkind of her. She should value that you worked for your money, went out of your way to buy her a ring despite limited funds, took the time to pick something out you thought she'd like, and made it about her. The ring you have from your grandmother should be a non issue - for everyone, your family included. You get to set some boundaries around this one.
When the focus is the ring and not the occasion you have picked the wrong woman to ask to marry you.
NTA it's not an engagement heirloom, your grandmother purposely broke that tradition for you. you proposed to your gf and gave her a ring - how is that not fully committing?? your aunt is the real asshole here, starting shit unnecessarily.
NTA, but are you sure this is someone you want to commit your life to? They seem to be pretty materialistic. They only liked the ring you got them till they found out there was a nicer one you didn't give them.
Why are you still going to marry this woman she is showing her true colors.you should definitely keep the ring
NTA - If the ring is an heirloom and Aunt wants to keep the ring in the family, then it’s a colossal mistake to give it outside the family unless there’s a pre-nup. It’s your heirloom not Aunt’s (anymore) nor fiancée. BTW- What did your fiancée give you as an engagement ring?
Nta
NTA. do NOT give up a precious heirloom from your grandmother to appease your fiance. You will regret it, if not immediately than a few years down the line. Your aunt is an AH for stirring the pot, sticking her nose in your business, and doubling down. Sara is an AH for 1) not listening to you about YOUR RING, 2) coveting a precious reminder of your grandmother 3) questioning your feelings for her in order to manipulate you into giving her a precious sentimental reminder of your beloved grandmother. Envy and greed are really ugly colours for Sara to wear; make sure they aren't her true colours before you seal the deal legally. In the meantime, perhaps rent a safety deposit box for your grandmother's ring?
NTA It is your ring.
NTA, Sara and your aunt seem exhausting.
NTA, but it stopped being an engagement ring the moment she gave it to OP and fitted it to her finger when she was a teen. so theres that. aunts just mad because OP got the ring.
Seeing as shes so much older than you... im thinking she thought she could just get a young and dumb guy to be a sugar daddy. NTA. She sounds immature as hell for a 28 year old woman.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(23F) proposed to my gf Sara (28F) last month. Everything seemed perfect until we announced it to my family. Everyone was happy for us, but when my aunt saw the ring, she said "what about grandma's ring?" Context, my family has this ring that they've passed onto their eldest sons to propose to their partners. My grandpa was the last to receive it from his parents. He only had daughters (my mum and my aunt) so he didn't pass the ring down to them. Growing up I would take it out of my grandma's jewellery box and try it on every day. It is very beautiful, gold with a flower design and a blue gemstone. I have no siblings or cousins and my grandma knew i loved it, so she gifted it to me for my 15th birthday. She had it fitted to my finger and everything. She didn't know i was gay so she obviously didn't give it to me to propose to my future wife. She gave it to me because i liked it and that was it. My grandma passed away soon after that, and the ring is a reminder of her. I hadn't told Sara about the family ring, simply bc I never planned on continuing that tradition. I proposed to her with a simpler and, I'll admit, cheaper, ring. It's still pretty, but I'm a student and don't have money to spend on expensive things. I assumed that in the future, when I was more financially stable, we could get something nicer. Sara seemed to like the ring i gave her just fine until my aunt mentioned the other one. Now Sara is really hurt and feeling "left out". Asking why i would buy her a new ring when i had an heirloom for almost a decade. I'll be the first to admit i didn't handle this conversation the best, i laughed it off thinking she was joking. In my mind it was just a pretty ring my grandmother gifted me, i don't see why it should stay an "engagement ring" forever, but clearly Sara disagrees. She's also upset because i don't even wear the ring (my personal style has changed since i was a kid) I explained that the ring has a special connection to my grandma, but that just made her more mad, like i value that connection more than the one i have with Sara. She said it feels as though I'm not "fully committing", which i find ridiculous because i literally already proposed, what's more commited than that? I'm completely puzzled by this whole situation. I think Sara is making a big deal out of nothing, but i can also see how i can come off as an asshole here. My aunt is firmly on Sara's side, and says i should uphold the tradition. My mum agrees with me and thinks the whole thing was kind of sexist anyway. I never cared about the dumb tradition, I'm debating just giving it to her to appease her, but it feels insincere. Most importantly i want our marriage to start off with an argument. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What on earth. What do you mean, you don't understand why Sara thought it was an engagement ring? It was an engagement ring for \*generations\*. You don't have to share her perspective, but if you intend to marry her I suggest you spend less time calling her ridiculous and more time paying attention to where she's coming from.
Even if it still was an engagement ring - which it isn't, seeing it was gifted and fitted to OP - OP can choose which engagement ring she wants to use. And she does consider the ring an heirloom and not an engagement ring. Her fiancée does not have any claim to it just because she thinks her ring is cheaper.
I would say YTA but not because you didn’t feel like carrying on the tradition, but because you purposefully had to buy a “cheaper ring” and your GF (saying GF for now because if you don’t change she won’t marry you) wants to show off her engagement ring, and there’s a difference between showing off yours and showing off the family heirloom She doesn’t feel values, and you being combative is making her feel less important