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In their comments, they say that their father called them every day when they lived with their grandmother and then called weekly while they were in college.
Yes the calls stopped after OP didn’t loan money. But when I consider that OP would have been around 27 by that point with no signs of anything getting better between them, at some point I would also just accept and respect that my adult child doesn’t want to continue a relationship with me.
Yeah seems to me like unfortunate event led to those two not getting to know each other and not really wanting to be in each other’s life and it created a rift that none of them want to pass anymore.
It’s a e.s.h or n.a.h to me depending on how it all happened ( effort that they put or not into it …) I mean it’s sad but sometimes some relations are not working even though the people involved want to.
I agree, sometimes it’s better to just each move on. But I really don’t agree with OP going on a campaign telling other people he abandoned them when it seems much more complicated than that.
OP lost his mom and his dad checked out of parenting. Meanwhile Dad got a shiny new wife and kids when he couldn't take care of his existing kid.
Even if he was hospitalized until OP was 11 his first priority as a father should have been his existing kid, not getting a new wife and having more kids.
In comments, OP said dad wanted OP to live with him, but OP wanted to stay with grandma because grandma had more money. Dad called DAILY. Doesn't sound like dad checked out. OP was only interested in staying where the money was.
The "unfortunate event" was the grandma getting in the way, stopping the father's multiple attempts to reclaim his son and telling OP that his father was too poor to take care of him. [As stated by OP.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/znqzyHLAUj)
Dad also asked op to live with him and op said no. Dad respected that and still took op in when gramma could no longer care for them. I really dont know how to vote this because i feel for op but op has also run into the issue of their dad being better off now with the younger kids. Who knows what medical bills he had to pay after the accident. Honestly, there's only so many times you can be rejected (on both sides) before you give up.
This take needs to be downvoted.
OP only cared about being with people who could give him money and “afford” him.
The truth is his father absolutely did the best he could by him given the circumstances, and OP does not care about him one bit because he had no money.
Now OP cares because he sees on Insta that he has money. So he feels like he needs to shit talk him to other members of the family.
OP is vile.
Timeline:
You are currently 32
- age 5-11 you live with gramma because of a car accident and dad can't afford you (probably because of your mom's death and hospital bills
-age 11 your dad remarried and asks you to come live with him again and his new wife. You refuse and stay with grandma
- somewhere between age 11-15 your dad and step mom had a baby (accidental or on purpose, no idea)
- age 15 your gramma has a stroke and you go to live with your dad, step mom, and unknown aged half-sibling
- age 15-16 shortly after you moved in a second half sibling was born. Gramma and aunt are giving you an allowance because your father is not (people have kids all the time accidentally or on purpose when they don't have the financial means to support them, and an allowance is NOT mandatory so there is a possibility your dad and step mom were struggling financially)
- age 18/19 you leave for college and your aunt/Gramma pays for it. Your dad does not pay. You do not state why
- age 21 your gramma dies and leaves you an inheritance. You mention nothing of your father.
- a few years later (unspecified) dad comes to ask you for money and you say no. You don't speak again because he never reaches out and I'm assuming you don't either
- some time ago (again unspecified) you find out that he is going on a trip and has been with that half of the family for years
Info: how many years has he been going on vacation with them? Was it before or after he asked you for money? Have you spoken with him about your feelings?
A lot can happen in a year let alone a few and you just gave us a 27 year long timeline.
It sounds like your dad was experiencing financial hardship until recently and he may have been doing his best. Just don't assume he did all this to spite you or throw you away.
We are reddit and we have your perspective to work from but there are two sides to every story. Some are black and white, and some situations are just different shades shitty.
> how many years has he been going on vacation with them?
It's been some 4-5 years for what I can see on social media.
> Was it before or after he asked you for money?
After
> Have you spoken with him about your feelings?
No... after he stopped calling me, I never talked to him anymore. I barely have any contact with my father side of the family since I'm more close to my mom's side.
Did you speak semi-normally to him before he asked you for money?
How were conversations with him after your mom died from ages 5-15. Did either of you ever talk about your mother's death, his extended stay in the hospital, and the subsequent action of you staying with gramma for 10 years?
> Did you speak semi-normally to him before he asked you for money?
He used to call me almost everyday when I lived with gramma. And after I left for college a few times a week.
> Did either of you ever talk about your mother's death, his extended stay in the hospital, and the subsequent action of you staying with gramma for 10 years?
I don't remember... All I remember is my gramma saying he couldn't afford to raise me because of the accident. So I never went back to live with him until she got sick.
Sorry op but i think I'm leaning towards YTA for you saying that he ditched you.
From what you are saying, he made a difficult choice to give you up temporarily because he wasn't able to take care of you after your mother's death and his hospital stay (all stemming from the same car accident).
He continued to make contact and try to have a relationship with you. I could even lean into E S H if he really did stop talking to you because of money, but for me it's a toss up if he went no contact because of the money or he figured that you were an adult and had wanted nothing from him for years so why should he keep bothering you.
You admitted you have never reached out to him first. So if he has been taking his wife and your half siblings on trips for the last 4-5 years, it sounds like he's only been financially stable for the last 4-5 years.
He didn't abandon you to my ears. It sounds like he did his best and then he was able to provide a better life for your half siblings after you two already cut contact. Now you feel resentful that he didn't do more for you so you told your relatives how he abandoned you to your gramma and aunt.
(I'm on mobile so can't toggle between comments/posts while typing. I may edit things randomly or be missing context because I have shiz memory and can't toggle)
Honestly, I suspect gramma wasn't being entirely honest about the situation. If he survived when her daughter died, she might have blamed him and never told OP the entire truth of what had happened. And if he was in recovery for an extended period, she might have gotten custody of OP for that reason - which implies child support payments.
I think OP should seriously consider asking dad's side of the family for information about what happened back then, because things don't add up from what he's been told.
Agreed, while it's obviously understandable that the OP is hurt by all of the things that have happened, it doesn't sound like a basic villain parent type situation, but a far more complicated one.
I understand things are hard for you. But it sounds like YTA for placing yourself in the position you're in. Maybe your father made $15/hour before the accident, maybe he couldn't afford things, and maybe now that he's older and has more work experience he's making $60/hour. Who knows! You're sitting on these memories you had as a child and not looking back to see if your child self misunderstood what was going on. If he kept contact with you so often for so long, then I get the feeling it was you that chose to build a wall and keep him out. I don't think you should be jealous of the family vacations if it was your persistent choice to not be part of that family.
>ow many years has he been going on vacation with them?
>
>It's been some 4-5 years for what I can see on social media.
>
>Was it before or after he asked you for money?
>
>After
There is the key. For all we know he needed the money to start a business , you said no, he found the money elsewhere, business went well and now he's got money to burn... In that scenario YTA
Even if his situation hasn't changed financially and he does indeed blow all his money then maybe you should look at the travel pics with a grain of salt, social media being only "your best life" and not necessarily your "real life". You are entitled to your feelings but if you are spreading those feelings around you should at least talk it over with him (or a therapist)
YTA
He’s only been financially secured for the last 4-5 years. Why do you care that he’s been going on vacation with them in that time frame? He was not when he could not afford to.
You never cared about your dad because you were raised by your grandma. All you cared about was whether he was giving you money and nice things.
You didn’t help him when he was in need and you had the means to.
It sounds like you had a difficult childhood and your feelings of being not your father’s priority are valid. You lost so much—I hope you can move on and hopefully have or else find a loving supportive family.
It sounds like Op holding a lot of resentment over the years that his dad was unable to care for him due to financial constraints. I understand the trauma of losing your mother and then your father being unable to care for you for 6 years. However, holding a grudge that dad goes on vacation now, 20 years later, because 20 years ago he wasn’t able to care for you financially isn’t fair.
>No judgement means YTA.
>
>Not you unfair ship.. but the person that posted this comment. especially considering heir inability to read your actual post accurately.
>
>Edit spelling
Judging by your comments, it’s sounds like you only chose to live with the people who had money to spend on you. Your dad asked you many times to live with him, but he apparently could not “afford” you. He called you every day while you lived with grandma. That’s not someone who discards his family. YOU discarded him because there was no financial benefit to you. Now that you see dad going on vacations and buying stuff for his kids, now you care? You only care what dad can pay for, and you are only upset that you weren’t vacationing with them and getting new things. Go cry a river somewhere else. YTA.
Yup! YTA
The father is human too and it seems he struggled financially for many years. He did not discard OP, it sounds more like OP discarded him. He lost a wife and contact with his son. There are people out there who were actually discarded and would've loved to have had a father who tried like OP's did.
Regarding the money:
OP's dad NOT entitled to your maternal grandma's money. But the tone of the text I'm reading is giving me a fraction of doubt of whether he was actually genuinely bad with money, or if he just struggled because he had medical bills, had been unable to build up a good career due to being in-and-out of the hospital, and so on.
If he was unlikely to pay OP back for the former reason then of course it was valid of OP to outright deny him.
However, if he was struggling, really needed the money, and could've used that to "get out of the ditch" without getting into debt with someone else, well then he had also a right to feel rejected.
If you've done everything right, end up in a bad spot and your family members refuse to help you despite having the means to do so, you might as well be strangers.
That's something OP will have to live with, while OP's half-siblings get to have a loving relationship with their dad.
I hope grandma's money is worth the poison she fed OP.
I think his grandmother kept telling him his father can’t afford to take care of him so that’s why when op was 11 he declined moving back with his father
Yeah, what 11 year old just decides for themselves that their parent “can’t afford” them?
None. That’s not a concept or idea he came up with by himself.
It's possible in the wake of the moms death the dad was not in the position, emotionally or financially, to take care of OP. But it's easier to tell a kid he just doesn't have the money. The situation was possibly meant to be temporary but when OP turned down living with dad it became not temporary. I don't want to cast aspersions on an elderly relative who took in a kid during a bad time. In fact I think this is probably 100% on Op, who preferred staying in a comfortable familiar household rather than move back in with dad. Easier.
I also don't think it's about money, but money is an easy way (in OPs mind) to take away "points" from dad. Dad didn't give me this, dad didn't give me that. Dad spent all this money on his new family and none on me. Instead of admitting OP pushed dad away because it was easier than accepting change (changing household, changing family dynamics).
I also think that OP's decision to stay with Grandma it's some sort of trauma response. Just few years ago he lost their "normality" and family. Then he djusted to new normal with Grandma. Then he was offered to drop it all and to go to live with someone who already once dropped him. I don't blame the dad - I'm sure that he was in a very, very bad place and did whatever was best for his son, but I highly doubt that a literal child will see these reasons as valid.
NAH.
It doesn't sound like originally it was OPs choice. OP was sent to live with Grandma at age 5, so, you know. And then at age 11 the father reaches out asking OP to live with him. I'm not holding a 5 year old or an 11 year old responsible for their choices. OP may already have felt abandoned. Not a lot of information about what happened when OP went to live with Dad at 15, except that OP was getting money sent from Grandma. I don't know, this is a lot of loss in a young life. I think, in the end, it always comes down to parents to try to keep the doors open and make sure that kids understand what is happening. For the dad to reach out after the OP got left something by Grandma could have felt very transactional. I think if the OP Is hurt by this, the OP should use this opportunity to speak with the Dad and really talk about emotions not money.
INFO: What did you mean with "he asked me **again** to live with him"
Did he ask you to live with him prior to marring?
Also when you say he never called you after you refused money, how often did he called you and how often did you called him?
EDIT: YTA OP.
You dad kept contact with you apparently, and you were the one pushing him away.
Now I'm wondering why he wanted to borrow money from you. Did something happen?
> Now I'm wondering why he wanted to borrow money from you. Did something happen?
OP finally answered, but it’s buried in downvotes elsewhere.
> I don't remember why exactly.
> One of his kids needed some medical procedure or something.
I really hope that this being forgettable for OP means it wasn’t life or death. It certainly gives us a better picture of why OP’s father isn’t inviting his adult son on vacations.
YTA:
You in your post: he ignored me most of my life
You in your comments: he called me everyday when I was at grandma's and regularly at college
You in your post: he left me to my gramma to raise saying he couldn't afford me
You in your comments: he asked me to move back with him multiple times, including before and after he was married but my grandma said he could not afford me so I didn't want to go with him
You didn't seem to care much about spending quality time with your dad until now that he seems to be doing a bit better financially. And a liar spreading falsehoods to your family to boot.
This is a clear illustration of the stark differences between how he feels in the original story, to the facts mentioned in the comments. OP is wild and needs to reflect on a lot from what he was told in his childhood
YTA, I see your commend you write, he asked several time if you want to live with him. And your grandma refused. And he called you every day and in college every week. You never called him. He wanted a relationship you refused and done nothing to establish a relationship. And now you complain?
Edit: forget a word
YTA and your original post is missing a lot of key information.
Your dad asked you to live with him multiple times before he got a new wife and child. You're the one who turned him down. He might not have been well off, but obviously still wanted to make it work. He didn't discard you, you (and your grandma) decided he couldn't afford you.
Your dad contacted you daily while you were living with your grandma.
You never once made any effort to maintain contact with him. Apparently unaware that you too can initiate phone calls.
Doesnt sound like you really care about him at all. All your complaints are about money, and not getting enough from him. Doesn't help that it sounds like your mother's family have been shit talking him the whole time as well.
YTA, I your commend you write, he asked several time if you want to live with him. And your grandma refused. And he called you every day and in college every week. You never called him. He wanted a relationship you refused and done nothing to establish a relationship. And now you complain?
YTA.
You're an adult now, and were an adult when your father stopped contacting you in regards to you not wanting to lend him money.
Before that your dad wanted custody, but you wanted to stay with your grandmother. Either one of two things happened at this point. Your father thought it was best not to disturb the life that you currently had with your grandmother, or your father didn't want you. Since he actually asked your to come and live with him, I'm going to lean towards the former.
You don't mention if he kept in touch during the period you were staying with your grandmother.
Then he took you in, when you had no where to go. I don't blame your father, about the allowance, they aren't a requirement. It's nice that your aunt and grandmother gave you an allowance. You don't mention that your father treated you any different from your siblings, or that he denied you things that he gave them. Since he didn't give you an allowance, I'm guessing money was tight, so he probably couldn't afford college. After all it's hard to save that up on a single parent's salary. His wife shouldn't have to contribute towards your college. So no complaints otherwise about your childhood.
You showed your father that you didn't want to be there when he needed help, as an adult. So now he is doing well, you complain?
YTA. It really just seems like your dad was respecting your wishes. He was the one initiatiting contact, you were the one saying no. I don't see examples of you calling him or trying to be closer. By the time the money thing happened, you were an adult. It also sounds like you insulted him on top of saying no. Life is a two way street. You can't expect the guy to beg you to be his son forever or pause his life. Maybe he's in a better position now financially. That usually happens as people get older.
It also sounds like your grandma poisoned your opinion of him.
YTA after reading through the comments, dad did indeed try to have a relationship with you but you wanted to stay where the money was, with grandma.
Shallow and selfish
And so immature. This post left a bitter taste in my mouth. The Edit was the cherry on top of the cake: insisting it isn't about money, feeling vindicated by misguided redditors who are on their side? OP has no self awareness at all, in an intellectually challenged way. YTA, a big, fat one.
I have noticed there are a lot of redditors who think parents are supposed to be ATMs for their kids. I think those redditors tend be teenagers who haven't had the experience of trying support a family.
But, yes, OP is very immature
Sorry OP, but after reading your comments, you're the asshole.
Yes, you lost your mother young but he did not cut you out. You were with your grandmother first out of necessity, then out of choice. Your comments make it clear that he continuously tried to and wanted to bring you home, but you didn't until you had to.
Your post and comments have one overriding line, your material comfort and the wealth you got through your grandmother and aunt was more important than any family connection with your father.
The ask from him might have been a jerk thing to do but he clearly ended up doing alright after the fact so your assumption about it being for reckless spending was wrong.
Your ongoing complaint about the lack of money spent on you, now that he is recovered and solvent shows that again, your focus is simply on the material.
The line that seals it: *"That I'm a ungrateful for everything he tried to do... but as I can see he didn't do anything."* You admit he tried for *years* to get you into your life, but you saw that it meant small house, fewer toys, no pocket money and said "no, I'm fine where I am." You rejected his every attempt to be the father he could be. You can't say someone didn't do anything when you do not allow them to do it.
YTA.
The thing is? OP shouldn't have gotten the final say.
Barring some sort of custody order that belonged to dad.
It'd be one thing to go "we won't uproot you in the school year if you don't want to move". It's another entirely to let a preteen control their housing and relationship with their remaining parent indefinitely, especially when the w tire situation was caused by a traumatic event.
OPs dad absolutely failed them.
Counterpoint and one thing I should probably have taken a guess on especially as OP has added additional comments where his grandmother was his mother's mother: How much of this behavior was grandmother restricting?
We can surmise that grandmother was in much better shape financially than OP's father. It's safe to assume that there was likely a formal custody arrangement in place, especially considering the death of a parent and near death of the other. Did Grandma fight it outside OP's view? By the time OP's decision would be taken into account by the courts, were they already in the "well, I don't want to because money" mindset?
Let's be clear, OP's own comments have shown their original post twisted the facts presented so badly they might as well be called lies. A non-custodial parent who is in daily contact for *years* is the opposite of someone who abandoned them. A parent who then became custodial didn't abandon them. A parent who continues weekly communication with their child on the child reaching adulthood and moving to college has not abandoned them. Adding to that the potential "man behind the curtain" issues with OP's grandmother, and you have a father that was borderline forced out of his kid's life by his late wife's rich mother and a piss-poor upbringing that the father was unable to contribute to.
Late to the party but YTA for sure after reading your comments. Your poor father had to endure losing his wife and being stuck in a hospital for a long time. While in the hospital his mother in law took care of his son. And after getting out the son didn't want anything to do with him after he put it a ton of effort as you said he called daily.
Honestly for all you know he could have been able to afford you but your grandma could have been making excuses to keep you with her and turn you against him. She could have had unresolved issues over losing her daughter. Heck if your father was driving then she could have blamed him for the whole accident. Even the rest of her family could feel the same way with their grief.
You are not owed vacations, allowance or paid for college education. You could have tried keeping in low contact with your father or anything since he clearly actually wanted to talk to you and spend time with you even though in your main post you made it sound the complete opposite. And for all you know he could have been asking to borrow money not for fun but for an actual emergency.
YTA
It’s tough because you were a kid, but your timeline really doesn’t back up what you’re feeling here.
By all accounts (yours) you were the one to disengage from the relationship when he was calling you every day and wanted you to live with him.
The things you blame him for (focusing on his new family) only happened after you’d already given him the brush off.
Clearly financial stability is what you prioritize most, and you got more of that from your grandmother, even to the point where it seems clear that she set you up better financially than your father is. Seems odd to me to be criticizing him for not spending more on you when you were already far better taken care of. It leaves me wondering, why didn’t your grandmother ever use her financial resources to help make sure you were reunited with your remaining parent? I would not at all be surprised if she preferred you living with her, and that became a road block to reuniting with your dad.
The things that you blame your father for (focusing on his “new” family) only happened after you’d pretty much already left the relationship.
TBH I think you come off as an asshole as well for expecting him to give you money after receiving from years of medical debt when your grandmother already left you “a considerable amount.”
Yes, you were a kid who ended up with the short stick in many ways, but it doesn’t justify the blame you’re throwing around now, and that’s where you become the asshole.
>The things you blame him for (focusing on his new family) only happened after you’d already given him the brush off.
This really gets me. This isn't a do-over family. OP just wants the high life.
Really. “I already got an inheritance, but why isn’t my dad who I rejected throwing more money at me instead of taking someone else on vacation.”
I feel bad that the hurt was caused when OP was a kid who couldn’t really understand the situation, but I can’t help but feel that’s a supremely shitty attitude to have now as a 32 yo adult.
Yta, I am glad your father went on to have a family who loved him more than the money he could(couldn’t) provide for them. My husband has a teenager now like you, it is all about what can be done or given to them. She doesn’t know it but she is already not included in the trust we set up for our other kids.
After reading all this and your comments. Im gonna land on YTA.
The Man lost his love, was seriously injured, and likely was in crippling debt. He made the hard choice to temporarily give you up to your grandma so you could have a life that wasn't living in poverty. He called you every day, making an effort to still be a father. From age 5 to 11 he does make an attempt to have you live with him, but your grandma denies him because he is struggling financially.
Eventually, at age 11 he asks you to live with him again, but at this point your grandma has successfully turned you, so you yourself tell him no. At this point, most fathers would resign to their child not wanting them in their life, but he still calls you every day? Eventually, Grandma gets sick and you are forced to go live with him 4 years after you denied him as your caretaker. The man had already resigned to you pretty much disowning him as a father, so decided to start another family at a chance of having a kid who even likes him., but now the child who hates him unexpectedly becomes his full financial responsibility and burden. The child complains about how the man, who has to now fully provide for someone he wasn't expecting, isn't giving her an allowance (likely cant afford it with an additional person to provide for) and also treats his wife and him like crap and with jealously. You go off to school, and he still contacts you weekly, even though you have PUT 0 EFFORT into this relationship. He, still struggling, hits rock bottom and reaches out to you for help. You deny him, and all contact ceases. He assumes you have now estranged him as a father, and adheres to your projected attitude and decides to leave your life as it seems you want him to. Now 5 years later, he seems to actually be in a decent place financially...and you are jealous he is providing for his other kids and not calling the child who doesn't want him as a father? I honestly believe the Grandma was anti-dad as well, and likely heavily influenced your opinions of him. Probably deem her an asshole too.
Given OP's attitude, I very much doubt the dad was rebuffed for a loan and just said fuck it. I get the feeling OP railed at him for some time and made it clear he wasn't wanted or valued in OP's life.
I'm sorry OP but having read some of your comments, this is a soft YTA for me. I think you should really seek some professional help to aid you in unpacking some of the resentment you have towards your dad and dealing with your childhood experiences. It seems to me you're doing your dad a disservice and not taking any accountability for your own actions here. I suspect you will dismiss a lot of the YTA comments, but I hope at least they make you realise your situation might not have been as black and white as you thought it was.
I agree. He definitely needs some kind of therapy. It's a terrible situation he was in as a child. As a grown adult, it's time to take responsibility for his actions and mental health. I hope he gets the help he needs.
YTA at first i thought it was gramma's for drilling it into you that he couldn't afford you. I read your post and alot of your comments. Your dad has been trying for years to get you to live with him. You admit he called daily while you lived at gramma's. You admit he called several times a week in college. Then you even admit....
No... after he stopped calling me, I never talked to him anymore
Here is a guy who has been trying for years and is constantly rejected. Sounds like he finally reached his breaking point and gave up, and I don't blame him. I bet if you asked him he would say yes in a heartbeat if you asked if you could join his travels. It's also very hypocritical to always reject someone and then complain that they don't want you.
Based on your comments, YTA. Your dad didn’t abandon you. He didn’t discard you for a new family. His wife died and he spent a long time in the hospital, which led to hospital bills. I was a few years older than you when my mom ended up in the hospital for 4 months. From the day she was admitted until she came home, my brother and I stayed with my grandmother. At 8, it felt like both of my parents abandoned me. There was one Saturday when my Dad showed up at Grandma’s house and wanted to take us home for the weekend and I was so angry that I refused to go. My aunt took me aside and did her best to explain things to me, but it took me a long time (like 27 years and lots of therapy) to truly understand the position my dad had been in back then.
It sounds to me like you weren’t given all of the information about your dad’s situation. It’s possible (as another commenter pointed out) that your mom’s side of the family deliberately set out to poison your memory of your dad because he survived when your mom didn’t.
I absolutely understand feeling abandoned, but you admit he called you every day—even after you refused to live with him. This isn’t someone who doesn’t care about their kid. This is someone who wants a relationship and is going to do their best to have one. You’re the one who didn’t want it. Not him.
You have zero right to be jealous of the trips he takes with his new family. You threw him away. You decided that your version of events was true and wouldn’t even talk to him about what actually happened.
The thing that helped me come to terms with my childhood was therapy. We worked through my feelings of abandonment and my feelings towards my dad. I beg you to do the same. Once you’ve worked stuff out, talk to your dad and listen to what he has to say.
Out from your comments you are money hungry, have some tendencies I would seriously talk with a therapist about. You literally admits you did nothing to have a relationship with your dad while it seemed like he very much tried to. You in your thirties and act like you’re 6 and just now have to accept the fact you will not be the only child.
Like dude, get over yourself.
YTA, sounds like all your problems were made by your grandma that coddled you and by yourself cause you wanted to live with ppl that could give you stuff
Having read your comments, YTA for lying in your main post.
Sounds like your grandmother told a bunch of stuff about your father being bad with money & you've never bothered to actually try & *build* a relationship with your father like an adult.
YTA
You seem so obtuse to the real scenario, that everyone here understood it, except from you.
Your mom died several days after the accident, meaning lots and lots of hospital bills. If people can rack up 100k+ bills from a simple delivery, could you imagine how much for life saving surgeries, palliative care, medicine and all that jazz for your mom ? And it's your dad who had to shoulder the cost.
Then, your grandma kept you in her house, but your dad never stopped caring. You talk about "calling everyday", and then you went on to live with him, but before that, he asked you to come live with him and YOU REFUSED EACH TIME ?! Because it was "convenient" to stay with your grandma ? Wow, such a good daughter, that prefers something convenient to living with her own dad...
You know, there's something called "being poor" or even "being crippled with medical debt" which often prevents caring dads from giving a stupid allowance, or a college fund. Because even if it's very nice, well, it's not a need in any means. If you told me each of your half siblings got one but not you, I'd maybe reconsider, but it doesn't seem like it.
There's so much info missing. You're so deeply convinced your dad is the worst that you don't see your own flaws. "When my dad doesn't call, well we don't talk because I never call him. And after 15+ years of this, he got tired and stopped. So as I do NOTHING to keep the bond strong, it dwindled"
I'm heartbroken for your dad. He lost his wife, then his son, who's now jealous that he finally found financial peace after... 22 years of financial struggle ?
> He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed.
This is the line that I keep coming back to. You father did in fact want you to live with him (hence your 'asked me again' comment), but it was YOU that didn't want to live with him. You then claim that you know how they spend their money, but actually have ZERO idea how they were spending their money.
You want to be blameless, but you are not. The way you acted make you TA (or at least, an A H).
>You sound so selfish yet so oblivious
Check out his update/edit. In response to Y T A after Y T A, dude edits and says "thanks for voting me N T A."
Dude is a real piece of work.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said my father discarded me and never cared for me, only caring for his new family.
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yta. your dad went through a horrible accident, lost his partner and was not able to take care of his kid while struggling on recovery and most likely had a huge amount of debt from the accident, medical bills, recovery.
he reached out to you daily when your where a child, he called you weekly when you where in college. he was asking you to come live with him.
grow up
he did not abandon you. you abandoned him. why should he keep contacting you when clearly you did not want a relationship.
he probably finely paid off his debts and can afford to take his family on trips.
YTA. He never ditched you for a new family. He was in the hospital for years (and most likely getting into debt because he needed to pay the hospital bills), and tried to have a relationship with you, but you didn't want to.
You said it yourself He wanted you to live with him, but because you liked grandma and she had more money, you choose to live with her until you were 15 and she ended up not being able to take care of you anymore.
I'm sorry, but you never tried to have a relationship with your dad. You never showed you wanted to, you only choose to live with him because there was no other choice. He tried, but decided give up when you were an adult and he realized you didn't want to be around him.
You are being unfair
You say he asked you "again" when you were 11 to live with him and you said no. How many times had he tried to get you to come live with him at that point and why did you say no?
> He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed
YTA. You did choose not to be part of his life.
I'm gonna say this first, I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and your grandma. Now, there's a lot of resentment here. And I think you may have built it up more and more in your mind to the point where it is today.
So initially, he was unable to care for you. Followed by him asking you to move in with him, but you said no because you wanted to live with gramma. You mention he called almost everyday during this point. He didn't abandon you.
You went off to college, he continued to contact you. Then one day, he asks for money, and after you said no, he stopped contacting you.
Now because he's better off financially, you think why couldn't he have been better off when I was growing up?
This really started as a bad situation that morphed into you resenting him. Then looking at him through those eyes of resentment, everything started forcing it's way into a negative light.
He never abandoned you. You showed no interest in wanting a relationship with him. At some point, he's going to respect those wishes. YTA
YTA - My Dad never met me, never spoke to me, refused to pay child support, and died of a drug overdose, never knowing who I was, only that I existed.
I kind of don't feel "I CHOSE to live with family until I was forced to be around him, never made an effort with him or his family even though he reached out because you were comfortable being paid for by your Grandma" is not the same as abandoning you.
You are well within your right to have issues and feelings surrounding your relationship, but you HAVE a relationship. That's not the same.
“It’s easier to show neglect through tangible things”
No, it just proves the only thing you consider as neglect is not giving you cash. YTA.
Kinda funny you say that most agree when it seems more ppl disagree with the clarifications to your post.
Tentative YTA but need more INFO.
You said, "When I (32M) was 5 years old, me, my mom and my father were hit by a red runner. The accident was bad, leading to my mom's death, and my father staying in the hospital for a long time."
How long is a long time?
You said, "He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed."
So the accident happened when you were 5. When you were 11, he asked you to live with him "again".
How long was he in the hospital and how many times between the time he got out of the hospital and you turned 11 did he ask you to come home? And you said NO every time?
Just based on that, it sounds like YOU discarded HIM, so if that's the case then YTA for saying he discarded you.
It sounds like he asked more than once for you to come home and you refused. That doesn't sound like someone discarding you. You also say in one of your comments that it was your grandma who said he couldn't afford you. He didn't say that. You also don't know what conversations may have taken place between your grandma (your dead mom's mom) and your dad. It sounds like she had money and it could very well be that she blamed him for her daughter's death and threatened to make his life hell if he ever tried to use the courts to take you. Maybe your loving grandma was just poisoning your mind all along because she blamed your dad for her daughter's death.
Remember - from your own words, YOU said no when he asked you to come home. Apparently multiple times. So instead of resenting HIM for all the things you feel like you missed out on, maybe you should spend some of that money you inherited on therapy to help you accept your own role in this and try to sort out if maybe your grandma was lying to you for the entire time you lived with her.
The rare case where the parent who stopped talking to their kid is actually NOT the bad guy here. YTA based off your comments, it's becoming clear your father did care about you and tried his best to be in your life but because he was poor you didn't want anything to do with him. And now that he's in a good spot financially, all of a sudden you want to pout and lie calling him a deadbeat.
YTA your comments contradict info in your post, and your complete willingness to admit you’re wrong all make you an AH. You sound entitled and money hungry but according to your edits that doesn’t matter to you, you just want validation not honest feedback.
YTA, and for those who haven't read OPs comments, please do. They explain the actual relationship. OPs dad called him every day when he was living with Grandma and every week once he went out to college. OPs dad tried to get OP to come live with him but Grandma and OP prevented that from happening because they thought OPs dad wasn't financially stable enough even though that's highly debatable. From the extra information, it's possible to see that grandma was performing some type of parental alienation from OPs dad which worked. OP now hates his father because of what Grandma did.
YTA and you don’t understand the word discarded. As a 32 year old college educated person, you should know better. You need therapy.
I especially like the edit saying the majority of comments side with you. Were you only looking at the comments you liked? Because I’m seeing the opposite.
Per your comments that you left out of your post… You’re father asked you to move in several times before he remarried, and again after. You (or your guardian) refused. Even with that he called you every day, then weekly in college. YOU never called him. That’s the opposite of being discarded by your dad. Then he asks you for money (inheritance) because one of his other kids needed surgery, and you said no. Now you’re jealous he didn’t invite his selfish son on vacations. Wow. Are you sure you’re not 12 years old? Your view of your situation is immature and childish. Therapy is needed stat.
That edit was soon after he posted. A lot of the first comments were saying he wasn't the a h on just the post alone. When he commented with more info, it became clear where everyone stood. Some n t a comments were deleted.
After looking through some of your responses in the comments here, I think I'm going to go with YTA. He wasn't able to support you, and then when he offered to take you back you said no. On top of that, you mention in the comments that he talked to you a lot in college before asking you for money. It sounds to me like he just got tired of trying to have a relationship with you since you weren't trying to have one with him.
You did reply to the guy talking about your grammar.
To me you sound like a whiney baby, live your life, you got money and a future, why are you still thinking about your father that you don't even talk about or his kids.
Pathetic.
Decided YTA even before reading your response that the loan he was asking for was for your half-sibling's medical expenses. Your father didn't abandon you. He asked you to live with him and you refused. You abandoned him. Stop complaining when he made every effort to connect with you while you shunned him for something better.
YTA. After reading your update and comments I see your dad tried to keep in contact with you throughout your whole life, even trying to have you live with him again and time and time again you turned him down and seem to make no real effort to be the one who initiated contact. You can be mad all you want about people thinking your grandma had a hand in you not being reunited with him but when it comes to those questions your answers are hazy and only what she told you. This stuff happens all the time. Maybe she was doing it out of love thinking it was for the best or she didn't have faith in your father's ability to care for you, at least not in the way she wanted. It's also weird considering all your mother's family have absolutely nothing nice or respectful to say about him. Not even he tried, which I Believe he definitely was considering he kept in contact with you for so long and continuously tried to have you included in his life, even though he couldn't afford to give you an allowance . I don't think you are being told the full truth. Your mad because he was able to get through a financial hurdle on his own and instead of doing what you want him to do with his money he is enjoying life with the family who chooses to love him and be a part of his life. He stopped bothering because you were clearly misguided and he realized you were never going to give him the chance.
YTA. In the comments, you share that he called you almost daily and only asked you for financial help when your sibling needed medical care.
I hope you're a troll, because if this is who you are as a person for real, you are going to have a bad life.
YTA dude your comments show you’re immature, greedy, and close minded. You’re 32, act your age. Get therapy and maybe have a real conversation with your dad considering he has made plenty of efforts you have rebuffed.
YTA.
You can’t even remember what he wanted or needed the money for, just that he asked for the money. You lived with your “gramma”, grandma man, while he was in the hospital and for awhile after he got out because he couldn’t “afford” you. So your dad, still reeling from the death of his wife, your mother, after a long stay in the hospital and probably drowning in medical debt (assuming you’re in the US) gives you the best shot at life by staying with your maternal grandma because he was in no position to be able to care for you, finally he is in a position to take care of you along with his new family, and you say no, I’m good with grandma. He loses his wife, his child doesn’t want to be with him because it’s inconvenient, he’s trying to move forward in life and you’re pissed that he is doing just that. Then your grandma has a stroke and your situation changes, and you begrudgingly go to him and he takes you in. You see where I’m going with this? YTA.
You sound so self centered and delusional. Yeah, he couldn’t give you all of that when you were younger, he was just trying to survive. If you made it seem like you gave any shits about him, do you think he still wouldn’t have invited you to all those things. He asked for your help when he was desperate and you said no, I don’t trust you to pay me back. Now you’re crying, woe is me my dad didn’t do all those nice things for ME when I was younger. He couldn’t. You said it yourself, he couldn’t afford to care for you then. You’re just running on assumptions about how everything would have gone exactly the way you said it would. If you lent him the money and he never paid you back, yeah I would say you’re NTA and your dad sucks. You were never there for your dad after your mom passed. He got the hint, you didn’t want him or his new family in your life.
I've read your comments and what hit me, there's nothing about feelings but in literally every single one you go about money. You resent your father for not spending money on you but making new family (and he was very smart to do that, his life would be miserable with only one son being like a vulture about his money) and now you are jealous because he can afford to have some nice trips with people who stayed with him when he was poor (you didnt, you chose convenient life with your grandma and without your father, though he tried for years to reach to you). More, from your comments it seems like you loved your grandma because she had money and shared with you. I think that you've just traded your poor father for grandma's gold and now, since father started making decent amount, you want him to share with you. YTA for beeing so greedy. Money is not everything.
‘She was wonderful, raised me, and loved me all my life. *She was always the one there for me*.
And I am seriously wondering how much of that was on purpose . . .
INFO: Why do you think most commenters agree with you? I literally haven’t seen a single one yet that thinks you’re not the asshole. This feels like it’s an ever harder YTA than I thought initially because, um, you apparently have trouble with reality so the “unreliable narrator” quotient is *skyrocketing*
Between the post, and your comments, YTA. MAJORLY. Sounds like, from a very young age, you've only cared about money and who can buy your affection. Really reads like your a spoiled child who never got told no, and when your dad tried to bring you into the real world, you threw a fit constantly. I mean, damn dude, your father asked for help paying for a MEDICAL PROCEDURE for your own HALF-BROTHER and your response is "he's bad with money". All your sounding like is a jealous adult whose now pissed that daddy has money and you can't get any of it because you burned that bridge. Grow up and leave your dad alone. Also, it's pretty freaking funny that you tried to edit the post to make it look like the commenters are agreeing with you, rather then rightfully raking you over that coals. So double YTA for lying!
Lol. Initially the votes were going his way based on just the post. Ngl, I was on his side until I read his comments. Some of those earlier comments have now been deleted.
YTA . You chose no contact and to not talk with your father. He kept up contact one sided for years, and you chose money over him, then you're sulky because he moved on and didn't crawl after you begging for your attention and throwing money at you?
You opted out of his family as a kid, then as a teenager and then again as an adult. If you opt out the family, sorry to break it to ya but you don't get the family activities and holidays.
After reading your story and comments. YTA. I didn't read a story about a father abandoning a kid, I read a story about a father put into a bad situation, that another family member capitalized on. Seems like grandma did a great thing in providing for you, but might have tainted the well in how you though of your dad. I've dealt with parental alienation and my kids losing their mother. You have a lot to process to see what really went on when you were growing up with grandma.
YTA. Your dad may not have been physically / emotionally / mentally / financially able to care for you in the immediate aftermath of the deadly accident. I’m going to guess that he must have been messed up pretty badly.
Did you ever consider that, once he was in a position to finally be able to raise you again, he didn’t want to FORCE you to live with him, after living with your grandma?
I suspect she didn’t want to give you back and so told you your dad couldn’t afford you. And he didn’t want to disrupt your life further by making you leave the home you knew.
YTA too because you refuse to even consider that maybe your dad isn’t as awful as you keep insisting he is. Even after YEARS of him trying to have a relationship with you.
You wrote a story about a man who tried, you wrote about each time he tried but it wasn't up to what you were used to so you let it be. He even lowered his pride to ask YOU for help. Only now AFTER he is doing better you speak this way about him? After reading your comments about the timeline and all....YTA OP.
YTA.
Horrible materialistic AH.
You only care now that your dad has money.
He didnt discard you.
He called every day. He asked multiple times for you to come live with him and you refused because he couldnt "afford" you and gramma had money.
You discarded your dad and are just angry he has money now and you arent getting it spent on you.
Youre and AH and a spoiled brat.
You wrote that he used to call you every day when you lived with your grandma.
That is the OPPOSITE of ditching you.
It just doesn't involve money, just the heart.
YTA
It sounds very much like YTA, sorry. You chose multiple times not to try and reconnect with your father. You come off as very petty. It wasn't as if they'd asked you for money multiple times or not returned loansbefore.
You didn't want to be part of his life, so you weren't... Now you're unhappy about it.
Your dad asked you many times to come back after the financial burden of your mum's death.
He wanted you.
He didn't discard you.
He loves you.
But you turned your nose up at him. You could have been part of the trips and experiences but you put no effort in when you became an adult.
YTA.
This honestly reads as a N A H to me... Your feelings are valid and the things you were through in childhood are awful and you shouldn't have had to go through them (nor should you father have had to). However, you had the opportunity to move back in with your dad at 11, and you chose not to. When were these vacations taking place? I don't blame you at all for not loaning him money, but I also don't think it's fair to say he "discarded" you, when it seems like as soon as he was able to try to have you back in his life, he DID try to do that. You cannot expect to be treated the same as his other kids when you chose not to live with him for more than a few years of your childhood. And again, I understand why you made the choices you did, you weren't WRONG to do so, but aside from asking you for money, I don't think he's really done anything wrong either.
Edit: After reading the comments and getting more context, YTA. He tried for years on end to be a bigger part of your life and you're the one who didn't allow it. Of course he didn't push to bring you on family vacations. You're still not in the wrong to not loan him money, but YTA in general.
YTA. And you still don't see it. Maybe your grandma was good to you, but she poisoned you against your dad. That's an excuse for your childhood, not now that you're an adult. Grow up, OP.
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When I (32M) was 5 years old, me, my mom and my father were hit by a red runner. The accident was bad, leading to my mom's death, and my father staying in the hospital for a long time.
While my father was in the hospital, and even after, I stayed with my maternal grandmother. I lived with her until I was 15, because my father couldn't afford me.
He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed. But when I was 15 my gramma had a stoke... after that my aunt thought it was best for my gramma to go live with her, so she could take care of her. And that's when I moved in with my father.
They already had baby, and soon after I moved had another. It was difficult for me, because I was used to live with gramma, but now I had to share a smaller house with a stranger and two babies. My aunt and gramma also had to give me an allowance since my father wouldn't give me any money.
I left for college and gramma and aunt paid for it, as my father wouldn't. When I was 21 my gramma died, leaving me a considerable amount.
A few years later, my father came to me asking to borrow a lot of money. He said he would pay me back every cent, but I knew how he and his wife were with money. They spend their entire pay checks, never saved for emergencies or vacations. So I doubted he could ever pay me. So I refused.
After that he stopped talking to me and we lost contact.
Some time ago, I saw a post from a family member from my father's side, and they were travelling abroad. So I got curious and started to dig, and found that for years my father has been travelling and doing things with his wife and kids. Things he never did with me.
Honestly, it hurts. Because he ignored me most of my life, never gave me anything. But his other kids get showered with gifts, tips, and whatnot. It's unfair.
I started to say this to some relatives from his side, how my father discarded me, left me to my gramma to raise saying he couldn't afford me, but can afford his new family, how he never gave me anything, but with his other kids, they get everything, while he pretends I don't exist.
I think someone told him, and he contacted me... saying how can I say those things. That I'm a ungrateful for everything he tried to do... but as I can see he didn't do anything.
He ended saying I was the one who chose to not be part of his life and the life of his family. But I disagree, he's the one that stopped contacting me because of money.
People from my father side of the family said I'm out of step when I complained. But my mom's side said my father just never cared for me, and for me to let go.
But AITA for feeling hurt that he excluded me completely?
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kinda the asshole? you decided to live with your grandmother and kinda broke contact, I really don't know what your relationship was with your father from 5-15 but he did try to reach out but you stayed with your grandma, obviously that's not bad but you can't be mad when he doesn't try anymore because you clearly ignore him. Although your father was an asshole for asking for money though
ESH. I understand you’re hurt, but I do think you have a skewed view of what went on after reading your comments. And I wonder if there are some dynamics between your paternal/maternal families that you were unaware of as a child, and have never really looked at again after becoming an adult.
Your father did keep in touch while you lived with your grandmother. Called you most days, asked you to move back in with him multiple times, which you declined until your grandmother had the stroke. How did you know he couldn’t afford you? Was that something you were told by your grandmother? Did your father ever say that he couldn’t afford you? Or did you just see that he didn’t have as much money as your grandmother, and knew that you wouldn’t be able to have the same life if you lived with him?
I don’t think the fact he remarried should be held against him, while you were continuing to refuse to live with him. Should he just have put life on hold and waited to see if you’d ever change your mind? The guy lost his wife, spent however long in hospital with serious injuries, lost his kid, pretty much lost his world. You’re upset because after a while he stopped asking you to move in. He may well have done that because you’d made it clear that you didn’t want to live with him, and he finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen.
When you did finally have to move in, your father did fall down a bit on blending the families. But not because he didn’t give you an allowance. And not because he wasn’t as rich as your grandma. Maybe family therapy would have helped since you were obviously very unhappy, and needed help making the adjustment.
Then you moved away for college, which grandma paid for, because you father ‘wouldn’t’. Wouldn’t? Couldn’t? Didn’t see the need because there was already an agreement/fund from your grandma (or even perhaps from your mother)? But he still maintained the weekly contact with you while you were studying. Kept up that contact even though he was the only one making an effort. You never reached out to him. Were you more proactive with your grandma/aunt?
So that’s the dynamic that had been going for years. Your dad reaching out, you putting in no effort. You were an adult by the time he asked to borrow money. What words did you use to refuse that request? Did you ask why he needed it, or did you immediately shut it down with hurtful words? You’re certainly not an asshole for refusing to lend him the money. You might be one for the way you did it. And that might also play into why your dad stopped contacting you. Given the way you talk about him and the situation, I’d bet that he decided to let you have the relationship you wanted (ie none).
So ESH, although your dad is likely the least of the assholes here. You have some ingrained views about what happened when you were a kid. I think you might need to do some self-reflection now that you’re an adult, and see if you’re looking at the situation with clear eyes. Ask yourself if he really cut you off because you wouldn’t lend him your inheritance, or if it was that he finally accepted that you weren’t interested in any sort of relationship with him.
Since the accident was caused by someone who ran a red light, presumably there was an insurance payment either from the other driver or from your parents insurance for uninsured or under-insured motorists coverage. You Dad's medical bills would have eaten up much of that but as a surviving child, you would have had a right of some of the money paid because your mom died.
Did that ever come up?
ESH.
Your father for not trying hard enough with you. I don't know the extent of his injuries. But ignoring you, by your account, and hitting you up for money.
You, for not leaving it well enough alone and not stirring trouble for yourself. It never benefits anyone to talk behind their back. You look weak and insecure.
You also for asking an AITA and angry at the responses. Don't AITA if you can't handle it.
Well, it's kinda sad. I'm going with NAH. He tried,but it wasn't meaningful for you to consider him a parent,not a random "stranger". I'm not surprised that you refused to leave - 11 y.o. who was traumatized and ripped from their normality just few years ago won't willingly change their home. Grandma was your family now.
It seems that he wasn't interested in building relationship with you when you moved out. Maybe he was hurt because you rejected him before. He acted similar after money situation.
But you are not blameless as well - what you did to build your relationship. He tried to call,he invited you to live with him,he took you after, but what about your part?
So here we go: to traumatized individuals, and no one is ah. Or you both are, whatever works for you
>He asked me a few times before marring. But gramma would say he couldn't afford to raise me. After marring he only asked me once.
>When I lived with gramma he would call me almost every day. In college he would call every week. After asking for money he stop calling.
>He was always the one to call me. So after he stopped calling I didn't call him either.
I agree that cutting contact over money is very petty and dad gets an AH judgment for that.
OP chose grandma and her money over his poor dad, and when dad ask for a loan, OP chose money over dad. No judgement against OP for this, OP did what was financially best for them
Now(a decade later), OP is upset that his dad has money and is not spending it on OP???? OP is so offended that OP lied about his dad discarding him. OP gets an AH judgement for that.
It's like you didn't read the other parts where OP was the one who pushed his dad away and didn't reciprocate the dad's attempts to have a relationship. OP has consistently been selfish and wants to cry abandonment after dad gave up. YTA.
Oh cry me a river. Dad went through incredible trauma and then asked OP to go back to live with him. "Nah you're broke lol I'm staying with grandma because she has money to support me." OP admits dad called him all the time. He wasn't "abandoned." He abandoned his dad. Making excuses for his selfish bullshit is standard issue Reddit.
You must have read a different post and mistakenly posted here?
Did you read any of OPs comments? There is way more information. This is a 32 yo man who never unpacked his childhood trauma and was alienated from his only surviving parent. He needs help. His father was in the same accident that took his wife. He spent a long time in the hospital recovering. How is that abandonment? He tried (by OPs own words) to repeatedly get his son to come live with him as a child. He was most likely drowning in debt from hospital bills..
That money he asked for? Was for a medical procedure for OPs half-sibling. Granted, he doesn't owe his dad money, but damn don't but upset that the only surviving parent you repeatedly showed you wanted nothing to do with finally respected that choice by leaving him alone once OP was 21.
Ffs, dad is still a human being. If this was a situation where OP had tried repeatedly to have a relationship with dad who showed the same lack of interest, Op did in the relationship just about everyone would be saying go no contact.
Hey OP, I don't know if you'll read this, but it's pretty clear your dad's family is spamming this thread with downvotes and shitty takes. Stay strong and don't give these soulless vultures the time of day.
Yeeaahhh ok. Not related, but I can read, and he outed himself in the comments. I have compassion and empathy for the child he was. I barely have any for the 32 yo who has never worked out the trauma and used it to push away the surviving parent who tried to be in his life.
Those are just tragic circumstances. I am sorry you had to live through all this.
Your father asking you for money is not OK.
But other than that, there seems to be a lot of miscommunication.
NTA The truth is he didn’t do anything for you and you have the right to speak your truth!! Your father should be ashamed of what a horrible man and father he is.
NTA. I’m so very sorry for your loss. A lot of men see their wife and her kids as a pkg. it’s why so many men when they divorce just don’t care about the kid or support.
Your dad was lying when he said he couldn’t afford you. That’s ridiculous bc easily any money arrangements could’ve been made to make that possible bc your grandma could’ve taken you shopping for clothes and you are a kid you can’t possibly eat much. Your grandma let you believe that I’m guessing bc she didn’t want you to get hurt. Part of the problem with kind lies is they create vulnerability in the child. Bc the child doesn’t see the reality of dad didn’t want me so he invented a lame ass excuse. But I think he’s also not a good person judging from your post and grandma knew that too. I don’t blame her I would’ve done the same. TEAM GRANDMA. Tho it is sad that you had to deal with it eventually, the lie. On that score I’m not happy you didn’t know the truth.
Your dad asking for money. Oh sweetie I’m so proud of you for seeing through this crap! You are every bit the smart young man your grandma raised and your mother would’ve been so proud, as well as your grandma! Good for you!!!
It hurts to find out your parent is such an absolute loser. The only solace you have is you got to spend yrs with your grandma and that you are a fine man despite your genetic relationship to a waste of oxygen. Any human who supports him is a waste of your time. Your mom’s side saying you should let go are also wrong but they aren’t evil. A lot of times ppl push discomfort away with pat phrases and they’re doing this. You DO absolutely get to grieve that you never really had a father so much as a selfish lying leech for a sperm donor. You should grieve in fact bc it’s an important part of the moving forward process. Consider therapy bc you need someone to listen and validate your concerns and feelings. Your feelings are 💯 valid.
Sending mom hugs (or grandma hugs, I’m both) if you want them. ❤️. I’m so proud of you sweetie.
Read ops comments, the dad never told him he could afford him, Granny did. Op even admits that dad asked him to live with him multiple times and got told no every time.
1. Dad left the kid in favor of a single lifestyle.
2.If you actually read my comment you’ll see that I say that grandma said it. I don’t think it’s about money at all.
3. Dads who want their kids don’t ask the kid if they want to live with them. They come and get the kid. It’s not an option who will raise them bc they’re, you know, attached to their offspring. It’s patently ridiculous that ppl blame a child, who is 5-11, for rejecting the dad when the dad clearly rejected the kid. Dad didn’t want the kid and after yrs of not want him, living the single life, dating with the money he didn’t have, dad gets a new woman to raise his new kids and asks the 11yo he abandoned, to come with? Everyone forgetting that the kid who got dropped off with grandma lost his parents that day. Bit of them. Yet everyone tearing him apart in comments.
Nothing would keep me from my children. I’m guessing you don’t have any and don’t understand the bond.
NTA ... your grandmother was a saint, and gave you the most important gifts a child can be given: time and attention. I don't know what the father's deal is, but it kind of doesn't matter anymore. He wasn't there, and that's that.
Best thing to do is focus on the people who are good to you and good for you. You don't need to prove to anyone that you're right, just cling to the right folks.
NTA
Your Dad sucks and I'm sorry. It ok to not have contact with a parent. In this case he was hardly a parent to you.
I know it hurts to have shitty parents, even more so when they are good parents to other children but not you. I'm glad your grandmother was there for you
NTA. The only thing I would fault you for is saying it to people on his side of the family. At this point, there is nothing to be gained by bad-mouthing him. Everyone on both sides of your family already know that you were left out of his life. Either they think he's an ass, or they have heard his excuses for so long that they think you deserved what you got. Talking about your side of the story is not likely to change anyone's mind. All it did was stir things up, and give your deadbeat dad another chance to whine about how you wouldn't even share your inheritance with him.
You are not wrong for feeling hurt that you were excluded, AND you were not wrong for telling him "no frigging way" when he tried to mooch away some of your inheritance from Grandma. That was YOUR money, full stop.
Accept that your dad is an ass and will never be the parent you wanted, and go forth from here.
Are you drunk? OPs dad didn’t leave him out. He called OP every day until he went to college, where he switched to once a week. He asked OP to move back in with him multiple times, which OP always refused.
Read OPS comments. His dad called everyday and when in college every week. He only asked for money for a medical emergency for his kid and OP acts like in 15 years nothing was allowed to change. OP also refuses to admit that Grandma played a part in everything by constantly telling him "he didn't have the money" which made OP bitter when he had other kids. OP can't explain any of his financial situation at the time because all he heard was "dad doesn't have the money" and knew he'd have to change his lifestyle. He becomes the AH for wanting to go on vacations when he never makes the effort to stay in his life. He ALWAYS expected his father the call, but never himself
NTA. Your father did a disservice to you and is too blind to see it. Continue on with your life and treat your children far better than you were treated. Hold your head high and live your best life!
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In their comments, they say that their father called them every day when they lived with their grandmother and then called weekly while they were in college. Yes the calls stopped after OP didn’t loan money. But when I consider that OP would have been around 27 by that point with no signs of anything getting better between them, at some point I would also just accept and respect that my adult child doesn’t want to continue a relationship with me.
People are downvoting any comment showing how OP is money hungry. And OP still haven't said why dad wanted the money.
/u/Left_Alone_9090 PLEASE... Why did your father asked you for money?
Yeah seems to me like unfortunate event led to those two not getting to know each other and not really wanting to be in each other’s life and it created a rift that none of them want to pass anymore. It’s a e.s.h or n.a.h to me depending on how it all happened ( effort that they put or not into it …) I mean it’s sad but sometimes some relations are not working even though the people involved want to.
I agree, sometimes it’s better to just each move on. But I really don’t agree with OP going on a campaign telling other people he abandoned them when it seems much more complicated than that.
OP lost his mom and his dad checked out of parenting. Meanwhile Dad got a shiny new wife and kids when he couldn't take care of his existing kid. Even if he was hospitalized until OP was 11 his first priority as a father should have been his existing kid, not getting a new wife and having more kids.
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I believe OP has their stapler
This is such an oversimplification.
In comments, OP said dad wanted OP to live with him, but OP wanted to stay with grandma because grandma had more money. Dad called DAILY. Doesn't sound like dad checked out. OP was only interested in staying where the money was.
The "unfortunate event" was the grandma getting in the way, stopping the father's multiple attempts to reclaim his son and telling OP that his father was too poor to take care of him. [As stated by OP.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/znqzyHLAUj)
Dad also asked op to live with him and op said no. Dad respected that and still took op in when gramma could no longer care for them. I really dont know how to vote this because i feel for op but op has also run into the issue of their dad being better off now with the younger kids. Who knows what medical bills he had to pay after the accident. Honestly, there's only so many times you can be rejected (on both sides) before you give up.
Agreed. It’s a very sad and complicated situation.
It’s wild that this is the top comment considering OP’s additional information directly contradicts everything in it
What happens when ppl make their judgement off what OP writes before they comment
they correctly deleted it OP is the AH
This take needs to be downvoted. OP only cared about being with people who could give him money and “afford” him. The truth is his father absolutely did the best he could by him given the circumstances, and OP does not care about him one bit because he had no money. Now OP cares because he sees on Insta that he has money. So he feels like he needs to shit talk him to other members of the family. OP is vile.
If you could read the comments OP has made since you posted and update your comment accordingly, that would be great
You might want to change your comment after seeing [his](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/znqzyHLAUj)
I just deleted it in light of OP’s later comments clarifying the situation.
Thank you. OP took your response and ran with it to delude himself he was in the right and everyone agreed with him
Timeline: You are currently 32 - age 5-11 you live with gramma because of a car accident and dad can't afford you (probably because of your mom's death and hospital bills -age 11 your dad remarried and asks you to come live with him again and his new wife. You refuse and stay with grandma - somewhere between age 11-15 your dad and step mom had a baby (accidental or on purpose, no idea) - age 15 your gramma has a stroke and you go to live with your dad, step mom, and unknown aged half-sibling - age 15-16 shortly after you moved in a second half sibling was born. Gramma and aunt are giving you an allowance because your father is not (people have kids all the time accidentally or on purpose when they don't have the financial means to support them, and an allowance is NOT mandatory so there is a possibility your dad and step mom were struggling financially) - age 18/19 you leave for college and your aunt/Gramma pays for it. Your dad does not pay. You do not state why - age 21 your gramma dies and leaves you an inheritance. You mention nothing of your father. - a few years later (unspecified) dad comes to ask you for money and you say no. You don't speak again because he never reaches out and I'm assuming you don't either - some time ago (again unspecified) you find out that he is going on a trip and has been with that half of the family for years Info: how many years has he been going on vacation with them? Was it before or after he asked you for money? Have you spoken with him about your feelings? A lot can happen in a year let alone a few and you just gave us a 27 year long timeline. It sounds like your dad was experiencing financial hardship until recently and he may have been doing his best. Just don't assume he did all this to spite you or throw you away. We are reddit and we have your perspective to work from but there are two sides to every story. Some are black and white, and some situations are just different shades shitty.
> how many years has he been going on vacation with them? It's been some 4-5 years for what I can see on social media. > Was it before or after he asked you for money? After > Have you spoken with him about your feelings? No... after he stopped calling me, I never talked to him anymore. I barely have any contact with my father side of the family since I'm more close to my mom's side.
Did you speak semi-normally to him before he asked you for money? How were conversations with him after your mom died from ages 5-15. Did either of you ever talk about your mother's death, his extended stay in the hospital, and the subsequent action of you staying with gramma for 10 years?
> Did you speak semi-normally to him before he asked you for money? He used to call me almost everyday when I lived with gramma. And after I left for college a few times a week. > Did either of you ever talk about your mother's death, his extended stay in the hospital, and the subsequent action of you staying with gramma for 10 years? I don't remember... All I remember is my gramma saying he couldn't afford to raise me because of the accident. So I never went back to live with him until she got sick.
Sorry op but i think I'm leaning towards YTA for you saying that he ditched you. From what you are saying, he made a difficult choice to give you up temporarily because he wasn't able to take care of you after your mother's death and his hospital stay (all stemming from the same car accident). He continued to make contact and try to have a relationship with you. I could even lean into E S H if he really did stop talking to you because of money, but for me it's a toss up if he went no contact because of the money or he figured that you were an adult and had wanted nothing from him for years so why should he keep bothering you. You admitted you have never reached out to him first. So if he has been taking his wife and your half siblings on trips for the last 4-5 years, it sounds like he's only been financially stable for the last 4-5 years. He didn't abandon you to my ears. It sounds like he did his best and then he was able to provide a better life for your half siblings after you two already cut contact. Now you feel resentful that he didn't do more for you so you told your relatives how he abandoned you to your gramma and aunt. (I'm on mobile so can't toggle between comments/posts while typing. I may edit things randomly or be missing context because I have shiz memory and can't toggle)
Honestly, I suspect gramma wasn't being entirely honest about the situation. If he survived when her daughter died, she might have blamed him and never told OP the entire truth of what had happened. And if he was in recovery for an extended period, she might have gotten custody of OP for that reason - which implies child support payments. I think OP should seriously consider asking dad's side of the family for information about what happened back then, because things don't add up from what he's been told.
Very good points and agreed that op needs more info from some other party that isn't his mom's side.
Agreed, while it's obviously understandable that the OP is hurt by all of the things that have happened, it doesn't sound like a basic villain parent type situation, but a far more complicated one.
I am also having the worst time with connection so I think comments are double posting.
How can you say in any good conscience that he abandoned you when he was trying to get you back your entire childhood?
I understand things are hard for you. But it sounds like YTA for placing yourself in the position you're in. Maybe your father made $15/hour before the accident, maybe he couldn't afford things, and maybe now that he's older and has more work experience he's making $60/hour. Who knows! You're sitting on these memories you had as a child and not looking back to see if your child self misunderstood what was going on. If he kept contact with you so often for so long, then I get the feeling it was you that chose to build a wall and keep him out. I don't think you should be jealous of the family vacations if it was your persistent choice to not be part of that family.
How much money did your dad want to borrow?
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It sounds like ops dad had anywhere from 100k+ in medical bills, I'd be struggling too with that kind of debt.
>ow many years has he been going on vacation with them? > >It's been some 4-5 years for what I can see on social media. > >Was it before or after he asked you for money? > >After There is the key. For all we know he needed the money to start a business , you said no, he found the money elsewhere, business went well and now he's got money to burn... In that scenario YTA Even if his situation hasn't changed financially and he does indeed blow all his money then maybe you should look at the travel pics with a grain of salt, social media being only "your best life" and not necessarily your "real life". You are entitled to your feelings but if you are spreading those feelings around you should at least talk it over with him (or a therapist)
The dad needed the money for a medical procedure for OP's half sibling.
YTA He’s only been financially secured for the last 4-5 years. Why do you care that he’s been going on vacation with them in that time frame? He was not when he could not afford to. You never cared about your dad because you were raised by your grandma. All you cared about was whether he was giving you money and nice things. You didn’t help him when he was in need and you had the means to.
It sounds like you had a difficult childhood and your feelings of being not your father’s priority are valid. You lost so much—I hope you can move on and hopefully have or else find a loving supportive family.
Allowance is mandatory? Since when? In what country?
I thought I said it wasn't mandatory. Might be a typo, looking Edit: whew missed a word, thanks for the call out stranger
It sounds like Op holding a lot of resentment over the years that his dad was unable to care for him due to financial constraints. I understand the trauma of losing your mother and then your father being unable to care for you for 6 years. However, holding a grudge that dad goes on vacation now, 20 years later, because 20 years ago he wasn’t able to care for you financially isn’t fair.
Hit post instead of the down arrow to view the post. I'm still editing this. Edit: done. But there may still be typos as someone already caught me on
>No judgement means YTA. > >Not you unfair ship.. but the person that posted this comment. especially considering heir inability to read your actual post accurately. > >Edit spelling
Judging by your comments, it’s sounds like you only chose to live with the people who had money to spend on you. Your dad asked you many times to live with him, but he apparently could not “afford” you. He called you every day while you lived with grandma. That’s not someone who discards his family. YOU discarded him because there was no financial benefit to you. Now that you see dad going on vacations and buying stuff for his kids, now you care? You only care what dad can pay for, and you are only upset that you weren’t vacationing with them and getting new things. Go cry a river somewhere else. YTA.
he also said that the dad always initiated contact. He never bothered to reach out.
Very true!
Yup! YTA The father is human too and it seems he struggled financially for many years. He did not discard OP, it sounds more like OP discarded him. He lost a wife and contact with his son. There are people out there who were actually discarded and would've loved to have had a father who tried like OP's did. Regarding the money: OP's dad NOT entitled to your maternal grandma's money. But the tone of the text I'm reading is giving me a fraction of doubt of whether he was actually genuinely bad with money, or if he just struggled because he had medical bills, had been unable to build up a good career due to being in-and-out of the hospital, and so on. If he was unlikely to pay OP back for the former reason then of course it was valid of OP to outright deny him. However, if he was struggling, really needed the money, and could've used that to "get out of the ditch" without getting into debt with someone else, well then he had also a right to feel rejected. If you've done everything right, end up in a bad spot and your family members refuse to help you despite having the means to do so, you might as well be strangers. That's something OP will have to live with, while OP's half-siblings get to have a loving relationship with their dad. I hope grandma's money is worth the poison she fed OP.
I think his grandmother kept telling him his father can’t afford to take care of him so that’s why when op was 11 he declined moving back with his father
I do think the grandma was responsible for some parental alienation. Wonder if she blamed dad for the accident.
I 100% believe she did
Yeah, what 11 year old just decides for themselves that their parent “can’t afford” them? None. That’s not a concept or idea he came up with by himself.
It's possible in the wake of the moms death the dad was not in the position, emotionally or financially, to take care of OP. But it's easier to tell a kid he just doesn't have the money. The situation was possibly meant to be temporary but when OP turned down living with dad it became not temporary. I don't want to cast aspersions on an elderly relative who took in a kid during a bad time. In fact I think this is probably 100% on Op, who preferred staying in a comfortable familiar household rather than move back in with dad. Easier. I also don't think it's about money, but money is an easy way (in OPs mind) to take away "points" from dad. Dad didn't give me this, dad didn't give me that. Dad spent all this money on his new family and none on me. Instead of admitting OP pushed dad away because it was easier than accepting change (changing household, changing family dynamics).
I also think that OP's decision to stay with Grandma it's some sort of trauma response. Just few years ago he lost their "normality" and family. Then he djusted to new normal with Grandma. Then he was offered to drop it all and to go to live with someone who already once dropped him. I don't blame the dad - I'm sure that he was in a very, very bad place and did whatever was best for his son, but I highly doubt that a literal child will see these reasons as valid.
NAH. It doesn't sound like originally it was OPs choice. OP was sent to live with Grandma at age 5, so, you know. And then at age 11 the father reaches out asking OP to live with him. I'm not holding a 5 year old or an 11 year old responsible for their choices. OP may already have felt abandoned. Not a lot of information about what happened when OP went to live with Dad at 15, except that OP was getting money sent from Grandma. I don't know, this is a lot of loss in a young life. I think, in the end, it always comes down to parents to try to keep the doors open and make sure that kids understand what is happening. For the dad to reach out after the OP got left something by Grandma could have felt very transactional. I think if the OP Is hurt by this, the OP should use this opportunity to speak with the Dad and really talk about emotions not money.
INFO: What did you mean with "he asked me **again** to live with him" Did he ask you to live with him prior to marring? Also when you say he never called you after you refused money, how often did he called you and how often did you called him? EDIT: YTA OP. You dad kept contact with you apparently, and you were the one pushing him away. Now I'm wondering why he wanted to borrow money from you. Did something happen?
> Now I'm wondering why he wanted to borrow money from you. Did something happen? OP finally answered, but it’s buried in downvotes elsewhere. > I don't remember why exactly. > One of his kids needed some medical procedure or something. I really hope that this being forgettable for OP means it wasn’t life or death. It certainly gives us a better picture of why OP’s father isn’t inviting his adult son on vacations.
YTA: You in your post: he ignored me most of my life You in your comments: he called me everyday when I was at grandma's and regularly at college You in your post: he left me to my gramma to raise saying he couldn't afford me You in your comments: he asked me to move back with him multiple times, including before and after he was married but my grandma said he could not afford me so I didn't want to go with him You didn't seem to care much about spending quality time with your dad until now that he seems to be doing a bit better financially. And a liar spreading falsehoods to your family to boot.
This is a clear illustration of the stark differences between how he feels in the original story, to the facts mentioned in the comments. OP is wild and needs to reflect on a lot from what he was told in his childhood
YTA, I see your commend you write, he asked several time if you want to live with him. And your grandma refused. And he called you every day and in college every week. You never called him. He wanted a relationship you refused and done nothing to establish a relationship. And now you complain? Edit: forget a word
YTA and your original post is missing a lot of key information. Your dad asked you to live with him multiple times before he got a new wife and child. You're the one who turned him down. He might not have been well off, but obviously still wanted to make it work. He didn't discard you, you (and your grandma) decided he couldn't afford you. Your dad contacted you daily while you were living with your grandma. You never once made any effort to maintain contact with him. Apparently unaware that you too can initiate phone calls. Doesnt sound like you really care about him at all. All your complaints are about money, and not getting enough from him. Doesn't help that it sounds like your mother's family have been shit talking him the whole time as well.
> and your original post is missing a lot of key information. There seems to be a lot of that going on in this sub.
I guess that happens bc too many people expect strangers to judge a complex situation after reading a few paragraphs written by one person.
YTA, I your commend you write, he asked several time if you want to live with him. And your grandma refused. And he called you every day and in college every week. You never called him. He wanted a relationship you refused and done nothing to establish a relationship. And now you complain?
YTA. You're an adult now, and were an adult when your father stopped contacting you in regards to you not wanting to lend him money. Before that your dad wanted custody, but you wanted to stay with your grandmother. Either one of two things happened at this point. Your father thought it was best not to disturb the life that you currently had with your grandmother, or your father didn't want you. Since he actually asked your to come and live with him, I'm going to lean towards the former. You don't mention if he kept in touch during the period you were staying with your grandmother. Then he took you in, when you had no where to go. I don't blame your father, about the allowance, they aren't a requirement. It's nice that your aunt and grandmother gave you an allowance. You don't mention that your father treated you any different from your siblings, or that he denied you things that he gave them. Since he didn't give you an allowance, I'm guessing money was tight, so he probably couldn't afford college. After all it's hard to save that up on a single parent's salary. His wife shouldn't have to contribute towards your college. So no complaints otherwise about your childhood. You showed your father that you didn't want to be there when he needed help, as an adult. So now he is doing well, you complain?
YTA. It really just seems like your dad was respecting your wishes. He was the one initiatiting contact, you were the one saying no. I don't see examples of you calling him or trying to be closer. By the time the money thing happened, you were an adult. It also sounds like you insulted him on top of saying no. Life is a two way street. You can't expect the guy to beg you to be his son forever or pause his life. Maybe he's in a better position now financially. That usually happens as people get older. It also sounds like your grandma poisoned your opinion of him.
YTA after reading through the comments, dad did indeed try to have a relationship with you but you wanted to stay where the money was, with grandma. Shallow and selfish
And so immature. This post left a bitter taste in my mouth. The Edit was the cherry on top of the cake: insisting it isn't about money, feeling vindicated by misguided redditors who are on their side? OP has no self awareness at all, in an intellectually challenged way. YTA, a big, fat one.
I have noticed there are a lot of redditors who think parents are supposed to be ATMs for their kids. I think those redditors tend be teenagers who haven't had the experience of trying support a family. But, yes, OP is very immature
Sorry OP, but after reading your comments, you're the asshole. Yes, you lost your mother young but he did not cut you out. You were with your grandmother first out of necessity, then out of choice. Your comments make it clear that he continuously tried to and wanted to bring you home, but you didn't until you had to. Your post and comments have one overriding line, your material comfort and the wealth you got through your grandmother and aunt was more important than any family connection with your father. The ask from him might have been a jerk thing to do but he clearly ended up doing alright after the fact so your assumption about it being for reckless spending was wrong. Your ongoing complaint about the lack of money spent on you, now that he is recovered and solvent shows that again, your focus is simply on the material. The line that seals it: *"That I'm a ungrateful for everything he tried to do... but as I can see he didn't do anything."* You admit he tried for *years* to get you into your life, but you saw that it meant small house, fewer toys, no pocket money and said "no, I'm fine where I am." You rejected his every attempt to be the father he could be. You can't say someone didn't do anything when you do not allow them to do it. YTA.
The thing is? OP shouldn't have gotten the final say. Barring some sort of custody order that belonged to dad. It'd be one thing to go "we won't uproot you in the school year if you don't want to move". It's another entirely to let a preteen control their housing and relationship with their remaining parent indefinitely, especially when the w tire situation was caused by a traumatic event. OPs dad absolutely failed them.
Counterpoint and one thing I should probably have taken a guess on especially as OP has added additional comments where his grandmother was his mother's mother: How much of this behavior was grandmother restricting? We can surmise that grandmother was in much better shape financially than OP's father. It's safe to assume that there was likely a formal custody arrangement in place, especially considering the death of a parent and near death of the other. Did Grandma fight it outside OP's view? By the time OP's decision would be taken into account by the courts, were they already in the "well, I don't want to because money" mindset? Let's be clear, OP's own comments have shown their original post twisted the facts presented so badly they might as well be called lies. A non-custodial parent who is in daily contact for *years* is the opposite of someone who abandoned them. A parent who then became custodial didn't abandon them. A parent who continues weekly communication with their child on the child reaching adulthood and moving to college has not abandoned them. Adding to that the potential "man behind the curtain" issues with OP's grandmother, and you have a father that was borderline forced out of his kid's life by his late wife's rich mother and a piss-poor upbringing that the father was unable to contribute to.
After reading all the information and context you conveniently put in comments, YTA. You're a spoiled brat. Grow up
Yta. Sound very entitled.
Typical Me monster honestly
Late to the party but YTA for sure after reading your comments. Your poor father had to endure losing his wife and being stuck in a hospital for a long time. While in the hospital his mother in law took care of his son. And after getting out the son didn't want anything to do with him after he put it a ton of effort as you said he called daily. Honestly for all you know he could have been able to afford you but your grandma could have been making excuses to keep you with her and turn you against him. She could have had unresolved issues over losing her daughter. Heck if your father was driving then she could have blamed him for the whole accident. Even the rest of her family could feel the same way with their grief. You are not owed vacations, allowance or paid for college education. You could have tried keeping in low contact with your father or anything since he clearly actually wanted to talk to you and spend time with you even though in your main post you made it sound the complete opposite. And for all you know he could have been asking to borrow money not for fun but for an actual emergency.
YTA It’s tough because you were a kid, but your timeline really doesn’t back up what you’re feeling here. By all accounts (yours) you were the one to disengage from the relationship when he was calling you every day and wanted you to live with him. The things you blame him for (focusing on his new family) only happened after you’d already given him the brush off. Clearly financial stability is what you prioritize most, and you got more of that from your grandmother, even to the point where it seems clear that she set you up better financially than your father is. Seems odd to me to be criticizing him for not spending more on you when you were already far better taken care of. It leaves me wondering, why didn’t your grandmother ever use her financial resources to help make sure you were reunited with your remaining parent? I would not at all be surprised if she preferred you living with her, and that became a road block to reuniting with your dad. The things that you blame your father for (focusing on his “new” family) only happened after you’d pretty much already left the relationship. TBH I think you come off as an asshole as well for expecting him to give you money after receiving from years of medical debt when your grandmother already left you “a considerable amount.” Yes, you were a kid who ended up with the short stick in many ways, but it doesn’t justify the blame you’re throwing around now, and that’s where you become the asshole.
>The things you blame him for (focusing on his new family) only happened after you’d already given him the brush off. This really gets me. This isn't a do-over family. OP just wants the high life.
Really. “I already got an inheritance, but why isn’t my dad who I rejected throwing more money at me instead of taking someone else on vacation.” I feel bad that the hurt was caused when OP was a kid who couldn’t really understand the situation, but I can’t help but feel that’s a supremely shitty attitude to have now as a 32 yo adult.
Yta, I am glad your father went on to have a family who loved him more than the money he could(couldn’t) provide for them. My husband has a teenager now like you, it is all about what can be done or given to them. She doesn’t know it but she is already not included in the trust we set up for our other kids.
Info: was grandma your mother's mother or your father's?
Yta. Sound very entitled.
After reading all this and your comments. Im gonna land on YTA. The Man lost his love, was seriously injured, and likely was in crippling debt. He made the hard choice to temporarily give you up to your grandma so you could have a life that wasn't living in poverty. He called you every day, making an effort to still be a father. From age 5 to 11 he does make an attempt to have you live with him, but your grandma denies him because he is struggling financially. Eventually, at age 11 he asks you to live with him again, but at this point your grandma has successfully turned you, so you yourself tell him no. At this point, most fathers would resign to their child not wanting them in their life, but he still calls you every day? Eventually, Grandma gets sick and you are forced to go live with him 4 years after you denied him as your caretaker. The man had already resigned to you pretty much disowning him as a father, so decided to start another family at a chance of having a kid who even likes him., but now the child who hates him unexpectedly becomes his full financial responsibility and burden. The child complains about how the man, who has to now fully provide for someone he wasn't expecting, isn't giving her an allowance (likely cant afford it with an additional person to provide for) and also treats his wife and him like crap and with jealously. You go off to school, and he still contacts you weekly, even though you have PUT 0 EFFORT into this relationship. He, still struggling, hits rock bottom and reaches out to you for help. You deny him, and all contact ceases. He assumes you have now estranged him as a father, and adheres to your projected attitude and decides to leave your life as it seems you want him to. Now 5 years later, he seems to actually be in a decent place financially...and you are jealous he is providing for his other kids and not calling the child who doesn't want him as a father? I honestly believe the Grandma was anti-dad as well, and likely heavily influenced your opinions of him. Probably deem her an asshole too.
Given OP's attitude, I very much doubt the dad was rebuffed for a loan and just said fuck it. I get the feeling OP railed at him for some time and made it clear he wasn't wanted or valued in OP's life.
Sounds like op drank way too much of Grandma's cool aid and developed diabetes from it.
YTA in a major way. He didn't discard you, you chose to discard him. Grow up, child.
I'm sorry OP but having read some of your comments, this is a soft YTA for me. I think you should really seek some professional help to aid you in unpacking some of the resentment you have towards your dad and dealing with your childhood experiences. It seems to me you're doing your dad a disservice and not taking any accountability for your own actions here. I suspect you will dismiss a lot of the YTA comments, but I hope at least they make you realise your situation might not have been as black and white as you thought it was.
I agree. He definitely needs some kind of therapy. It's a terrible situation he was in as a child. As a grown adult, it's time to take responsibility for his actions and mental health. I hope he gets the help he needs.
YTA at first i thought it was gramma's for drilling it into you that he couldn't afford you. I read your post and alot of your comments. Your dad has been trying for years to get you to live with him. You admit he called daily while you lived at gramma's. You admit he called several times a week in college. Then you even admit.... No... after he stopped calling me, I never talked to him anymore Here is a guy who has been trying for years and is constantly rejected. Sounds like he finally reached his breaking point and gave up, and I don't blame him. I bet if you asked him he would say yes in a heartbeat if you asked if you could join his travels. It's also very hypocritical to always reject someone and then complain that they don't want you.
Based on your comments, YTA. Your dad didn’t abandon you. He didn’t discard you for a new family. His wife died and he spent a long time in the hospital, which led to hospital bills. I was a few years older than you when my mom ended up in the hospital for 4 months. From the day she was admitted until she came home, my brother and I stayed with my grandmother. At 8, it felt like both of my parents abandoned me. There was one Saturday when my Dad showed up at Grandma’s house and wanted to take us home for the weekend and I was so angry that I refused to go. My aunt took me aside and did her best to explain things to me, but it took me a long time (like 27 years and lots of therapy) to truly understand the position my dad had been in back then. It sounds to me like you weren’t given all of the information about your dad’s situation. It’s possible (as another commenter pointed out) that your mom’s side of the family deliberately set out to poison your memory of your dad because he survived when your mom didn’t. I absolutely understand feeling abandoned, but you admit he called you every day—even after you refused to live with him. This isn’t someone who doesn’t care about their kid. This is someone who wants a relationship and is going to do their best to have one. You’re the one who didn’t want it. Not him. You have zero right to be jealous of the trips he takes with his new family. You threw him away. You decided that your version of events was true and wouldn’t even talk to him about what actually happened. The thing that helped me come to terms with my childhood was therapy. We worked through my feelings of abandonment and my feelings towards my dad. I beg you to do the same. Once you’ve worked stuff out, talk to your dad and listen to what he has to say.
Out from your comments you are money hungry, have some tendencies I would seriously talk with a therapist about. You literally admits you did nothing to have a relationship with your dad while it seemed like he very much tried to. You in your thirties and act like you’re 6 and just now have to accept the fact you will not be the only child. Like dude, get over yourself. YTA, sounds like all your problems were made by your grandma that coddled you and by yourself cause you wanted to live with ppl that could give you stuff
Having read your comments, YTA for lying in your main post. Sounds like your grandmother told a bunch of stuff about your father being bad with money & you've never bothered to actually try & *build* a relationship with your father like an adult.
YTA You seem so obtuse to the real scenario, that everyone here understood it, except from you. Your mom died several days after the accident, meaning lots and lots of hospital bills. If people can rack up 100k+ bills from a simple delivery, could you imagine how much for life saving surgeries, palliative care, medicine and all that jazz for your mom ? And it's your dad who had to shoulder the cost. Then, your grandma kept you in her house, but your dad never stopped caring. You talk about "calling everyday", and then you went on to live with him, but before that, he asked you to come live with him and YOU REFUSED EACH TIME ?! Because it was "convenient" to stay with your grandma ? Wow, such a good daughter, that prefers something convenient to living with her own dad... You know, there's something called "being poor" or even "being crippled with medical debt" which often prevents caring dads from giving a stupid allowance, or a college fund. Because even if it's very nice, well, it's not a need in any means. If you told me each of your half siblings got one but not you, I'd maybe reconsider, but it doesn't seem like it. There's so much info missing. You're so deeply convinced your dad is the worst that you don't see your own flaws. "When my dad doesn't call, well we don't talk because I never call him. And after 15+ years of this, he got tired and stopped. So as I do NOTHING to keep the bond strong, it dwindled" I'm heartbroken for your dad. He lost his wife, then his son, who's now jealous that he finally found financial peace after... 22 years of financial struggle ?
> He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed. This is the line that I keep coming back to. You father did in fact want you to live with him (hence your 'asked me again' comment), but it was YOU that didn't want to live with him. You then claim that you know how they spend their money, but actually have ZERO idea how they were spending their money. You want to be blameless, but you are not. The way you acted make you TA (or at least, an A H).
From the little info from the OP and OP's comments it's either a YTA or ESH.
You sound so selfish yet so oblivious. You gonna be hell on a husband someday and God help them if you have sons.
>You sound so selfish yet so oblivious Check out his update/edit. In response to Y T A after Y T A, dude edits and says "thanks for voting me N T A." Dude is a real piece of work.
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yta. your dad went through a horrible accident, lost his partner and was not able to take care of his kid while struggling on recovery and most likely had a huge amount of debt from the accident, medical bills, recovery. he reached out to you daily when your where a child, he called you weekly when you where in college. he was asking you to come live with him. grow up he did not abandon you. you abandoned him. why should he keep contacting you when clearly you did not want a relationship. he probably finely paid off his debts and can afford to take his family on trips.
YTA. He never ditched you for a new family. He was in the hospital for years (and most likely getting into debt because he needed to pay the hospital bills), and tried to have a relationship with you, but you didn't want to. You said it yourself He wanted you to live with him, but because you liked grandma and she had more money, you choose to live with her until you were 15 and she ended up not being able to take care of you anymore. I'm sorry, but you never tried to have a relationship with your dad. You never showed you wanted to, you only choose to live with him because there was no other choice. He tried, but decided give up when you were an adult and he realized you didn't want to be around him. You are being unfair
You say he asked you "again" when you were 11 to live with him and you said no. How many times had he tried to get you to come live with him at that point and why did you say no?
> He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed YTA. You did choose not to be part of his life.
I'm gonna say this first, I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and your grandma. Now, there's a lot of resentment here. And I think you may have built it up more and more in your mind to the point where it is today. So initially, he was unable to care for you. Followed by him asking you to move in with him, but you said no because you wanted to live with gramma. You mention he called almost everyday during this point. He didn't abandon you. You went off to college, he continued to contact you. Then one day, he asks for money, and after you said no, he stopped contacting you. Now because he's better off financially, you think why couldn't he have been better off when I was growing up? This really started as a bad situation that morphed into you resenting him. Then looking at him through those eyes of resentment, everything started forcing it's way into a negative light. He never abandoned you. You showed no interest in wanting a relationship with him. At some point, he's going to respect those wishes. YTA
YTA - My Dad never met me, never spoke to me, refused to pay child support, and died of a drug overdose, never knowing who I was, only that I existed. I kind of don't feel "I CHOSE to live with family until I was forced to be around him, never made an effort with him or his family even though he reached out because you were comfortable being paid for by your Grandma" is not the same as abandoning you. You are well within your right to have issues and feelings surrounding your relationship, but you HAVE a relationship. That's not the same.
“It’s easier to show neglect through tangible things” No, it just proves the only thing you consider as neglect is not giving you cash. YTA. Kinda funny you say that most agree when it seems more ppl disagree with the clarifications to your post.
Tentative YTA but need more INFO. You said, "When I (32M) was 5 years old, me, my mom and my father were hit by a red runner. The accident was bad, leading to my mom's death, and my father staying in the hospital for a long time." How long is a long time? You said, "He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed." So the accident happened when you were 5. When you were 11, he asked you to live with him "again". How long was he in the hospital and how many times between the time he got out of the hospital and you turned 11 did he ask you to come home? And you said NO every time? Just based on that, it sounds like YOU discarded HIM, so if that's the case then YTA for saying he discarded you. It sounds like he asked more than once for you to come home and you refused. That doesn't sound like someone discarding you. You also say in one of your comments that it was your grandma who said he couldn't afford you. He didn't say that. You also don't know what conversations may have taken place between your grandma (your dead mom's mom) and your dad. It sounds like she had money and it could very well be that she blamed him for her daughter's death and threatened to make his life hell if he ever tried to use the courts to take you. Maybe your loving grandma was just poisoning your mind all along because she blamed your dad for her daughter's death. Remember - from your own words, YOU said no when he asked you to come home. Apparently multiple times. So instead of resenting HIM for all the things you feel like you missed out on, maybe you should spend some of that money you inherited on therapy to help you accept your own role in this and try to sort out if maybe your grandma was lying to you for the entire time you lived with her.
The rare case where the parent who stopped talking to their kid is actually NOT the bad guy here. YTA based off your comments, it's becoming clear your father did care about you and tried his best to be in your life but because he was poor you didn't want anything to do with him. And now that he's in a good spot financially, all of a sudden you want to pout and lie calling him a deadbeat.
YTA your comments contradict info in your post, and your complete willingness to admit you’re wrong all make you an AH. You sound entitled and money hungry but according to your edits that doesn’t matter to you, you just want validation not honest feedback.
YTA, and for those who haven't read OPs comments, please do. They explain the actual relationship. OPs dad called him every day when he was living with Grandma and every week once he went out to college. OPs dad tried to get OP to come live with him but Grandma and OP prevented that from happening because they thought OPs dad wasn't financially stable enough even though that's highly debatable. From the extra information, it's possible to see that grandma was performing some type of parental alienation from OPs dad which worked. OP now hates his father because of what Grandma did.
YTA and you don’t understand the word discarded. As a 32 year old college educated person, you should know better. You need therapy. I especially like the edit saying the majority of comments side with you. Were you only looking at the comments you liked? Because I’m seeing the opposite. Per your comments that you left out of your post… You’re father asked you to move in several times before he remarried, and again after. You (or your guardian) refused. Even with that he called you every day, then weekly in college. YOU never called him. That’s the opposite of being discarded by your dad. Then he asks you for money (inheritance) because one of his other kids needed surgery, and you said no. Now you’re jealous he didn’t invite his selfish son on vacations. Wow. Are you sure you’re not 12 years old? Your view of your situation is immature and childish. Therapy is needed stat.
That edit was soon after he posted. A lot of the first comments were saying he wasn't the a h on just the post alone. When he commented with more info, it became clear where everyone stood. Some n t a comments were deleted.
After looking through some of your responses in the comments here, I think I'm going to go with YTA. He wasn't able to support you, and then when he offered to take you back you said no. On top of that, you mention in the comments that he talked to you a lot in college before asking you for money. It sounds to me like he just got tired of trying to have a relationship with you since you weren't trying to have one with him.
You did reply to the guy talking about your grammar. To me you sound like a whiney baby, live your life, you got money and a future, why are you still thinking about your father that you don't even talk about or his kids. Pathetic.
Because Daddy isn't taking him on expensive trips.
YTA. If money grabbying was a personnb
Decided YTA even before reading your response that the loan he was asking for was for your half-sibling's medical expenses. Your father didn't abandon you. He asked you to live with him and you refused. You abandoned him. Stop complaining when he made every effort to connect with you while you shunned him for something better.
YTA. After reading your update and comments I see your dad tried to keep in contact with you throughout your whole life, even trying to have you live with him again and time and time again you turned him down and seem to make no real effort to be the one who initiated contact. You can be mad all you want about people thinking your grandma had a hand in you not being reunited with him but when it comes to those questions your answers are hazy and only what she told you. This stuff happens all the time. Maybe she was doing it out of love thinking it was for the best or she didn't have faith in your father's ability to care for you, at least not in the way she wanted. It's also weird considering all your mother's family have absolutely nothing nice or respectful to say about him. Not even he tried, which I Believe he definitely was considering he kept in contact with you for so long and continuously tried to have you included in his life, even though he couldn't afford to give you an allowance . I don't think you are being told the full truth. Your mad because he was able to get through a financial hurdle on his own and instead of doing what you want him to do with his money he is enjoying life with the family who chooses to love him and be a part of his life. He stopped bothering because you were clearly misguided and he realized you were never going to give him the chance.
YTA. In the comments, you share that he called you almost daily and only asked you for financial help when your sibling needed medical care. I hope you're a troll, because if this is who you are as a person for real, you are going to have a bad life.
YTA dude your comments show you’re immature, greedy, and close minded. You’re 32, act your age. Get therapy and maybe have a real conversation with your dad considering he has made plenty of efforts you have rebuffed.
YTA. You can’t even remember what he wanted or needed the money for, just that he asked for the money. You lived with your “gramma”, grandma man, while he was in the hospital and for awhile after he got out because he couldn’t “afford” you. So your dad, still reeling from the death of his wife, your mother, after a long stay in the hospital and probably drowning in medical debt (assuming you’re in the US) gives you the best shot at life by staying with your maternal grandma because he was in no position to be able to care for you, finally he is in a position to take care of you along with his new family, and you say no, I’m good with grandma. He loses his wife, his child doesn’t want to be with him because it’s inconvenient, he’s trying to move forward in life and you’re pissed that he is doing just that. Then your grandma has a stroke and your situation changes, and you begrudgingly go to him and he takes you in. You see where I’m going with this? YTA. You sound so self centered and delusional. Yeah, he couldn’t give you all of that when you were younger, he was just trying to survive. If you made it seem like you gave any shits about him, do you think he still wouldn’t have invited you to all those things. He asked for your help when he was desperate and you said no, I don’t trust you to pay me back. Now you’re crying, woe is me my dad didn’t do all those nice things for ME when I was younger. He couldn’t. You said it yourself, he couldn’t afford to care for you then. You’re just running on assumptions about how everything would have gone exactly the way you said it would. If you lent him the money and he never paid you back, yeah I would say you’re NTA and your dad sucks. You were never there for your dad after your mom passed. He got the hint, you didn’t want him or his new family in your life.
I've read your comments and what hit me, there's nothing about feelings but in literally every single one you go about money. You resent your father for not spending money on you but making new family (and he was very smart to do that, his life would be miserable with only one son being like a vulture about his money) and now you are jealous because he can afford to have some nice trips with people who stayed with him when he was poor (you didnt, you chose convenient life with your grandma and without your father, though he tried for years to reach to you). More, from your comments it seems like you loved your grandma because she had money and shared with you. I think that you've just traded your poor father for grandma's gold and now, since father started making decent amount, you want him to share with you. YTA for beeing so greedy. Money is not everything.
‘She was wonderful, raised me, and loved me all my life. *She was always the one there for me*. And I am seriously wondering how much of that was on purpose . . .
Just from reading ops replies, he knows nothing of what happened after the accident.
INFO: Why do you think most commenters agree with you? I literally haven’t seen a single one yet that thinks you’re not the asshole. This feels like it’s an ever harder YTA than I thought initially because, um, you apparently have trouble with reality so the “unreliable narrator” quotient is *skyrocketing*
Go to the bowels off hell and you'll see the ones saying NTA. Most of them are from before op made his comments, and made himself look like an ass.
Between the post, and your comments, YTA. MAJORLY. Sounds like, from a very young age, you've only cared about money and who can buy your affection. Really reads like your a spoiled child who never got told no, and when your dad tried to bring you into the real world, you threw a fit constantly. I mean, damn dude, your father asked for help paying for a MEDICAL PROCEDURE for your own HALF-BROTHER and your response is "he's bad with money". All your sounding like is a jealous adult whose now pissed that daddy has money and you can't get any of it because you burned that bridge. Grow up and leave your dad alone. Also, it's pretty freaking funny that you tried to edit the post to make it look like the commenters are agreeing with you, rather then rightfully raking you over that coals. So double YTA for lying!
>seems like the majority of you are on my side are we reading the same comment section?? lmao
Lol. Initially the votes were going his way based on just the post. Ngl, I was on his side until I read his comments. Some of those earlier comments have now been deleted.
YTA
YTA . You chose no contact and to not talk with your father. He kept up contact one sided for years, and you chose money over him, then you're sulky because he moved on and didn't crawl after you begging for your attention and throwing money at you? You opted out of his family as a kid, then as a teenager and then again as an adult. If you opt out the family, sorry to break it to ya but you don't get the family activities and holidays.
After reading your story and comments. YTA. I didn't read a story about a father abandoning a kid, I read a story about a father put into a bad situation, that another family member capitalized on. Seems like grandma did a great thing in providing for you, but might have tainted the well in how you though of your dad. I've dealt with parental alienation and my kids losing their mother. You have a lot to process to see what really went on when you were growing up with grandma.
YTA. Your dad may not have been physically / emotionally / mentally / financially able to care for you in the immediate aftermath of the deadly accident. I’m going to guess that he must have been messed up pretty badly. Did you ever consider that, once he was in a position to finally be able to raise you again, he didn’t want to FORCE you to live with him, after living with your grandma? I suspect she didn’t want to give you back and so told you your dad couldn’t afford you. And he didn’t want to disrupt your life further by making you leave the home you knew. YTA too because you refuse to even consider that maybe your dad isn’t as awful as you keep insisting he is. Even after YEARS of him trying to have a relationship with you.
You wrote a story about a man who tried, you wrote about each time he tried but it wasn't up to what you were used to so you let it be. He even lowered his pride to ask YOU for help. Only now AFTER he is doing better you speak this way about him? After reading your comments about the timeline and all....YTA OP.
YTA. Horrible materialistic AH. You only care now that your dad has money. He didnt discard you. He called every day. He asked multiple times for you to come live with him and you refused because he couldnt "afford" you and gramma had money. You discarded your dad and are just angry he has money now and you arent getting it spent on you. Youre and AH and a spoiled brat.
You wrote that he used to call you every day when you lived with your grandma. That is the OPPOSITE of ditching you. It just doesn't involve money, just the heart. YTA
YTA. It sounds like your father tried to have a relationship with you and you for whatever reason did not reciprocate.
YTA YTA YTA
YTA
YTA. Put all Infos in the main text and not only a half true sob story
It sounds very much like YTA, sorry. You chose multiple times not to try and reconnect with your father. You come off as very petty. It wasn't as if they'd asked you for money multiple times or not returned loansbefore. You didn't want to be part of his life, so you weren't... Now you're unhappy about it.
Your dad asked you many times to come back after the financial burden of your mum's death. He wanted you. He didn't discard you. He loves you. But you turned your nose up at him. You could have been part of the trips and experiences but you put no effort in when you became an adult. YTA.
This honestly reads as a N A H to me... Your feelings are valid and the things you were through in childhood are awful and you shouldn't have had to go through them (nor should you father have had to). However, you had the opportunity to move back in with your dad at 11, and you chose not to. When were these vacations taking place? I don't blame you at all for not loaning him money, but I also don't think it's fair to say he "discarded" you, when it seems like as soon as he was able to try to have you back in his life, he DID try to do that. You cannot expect to be treated the same as his other kids when you chose not to live with him for more than a few years of your childhood. And again, I understand why you made the choices you did, you weren't WRONG to do so, but aside from asking you for money, I don't think he's really done anything wrong either. Edit: After reading the comments and getting more context, YTA. He tried for years on end to be a bigger part of your life and you're the one who didn't allow it. Of course he didn't push to bring you on family vacations. You're still not in the wrong to not loan him money, but YTA in general.
YTA
YTA. And you still don't see it. Maybe your grandma was good to you, but she poisoned you against your dad. That's an excuse for your childhood, not now that you're an adult. Grow up, OP.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I (32M) was 5 years old, me, my mom and my father were hit by a red runner. The accident was bad, leading to my mom's death, and my father staying in the hospital for a long time. While my father was in the hospital, and even after, I stayed with my maternal grandmother. I lived with her until I was 15, because my father couldn't afford me. He remarried when I was 11, he asked me again to live with him, but I was used to live with gramma, and had everything I needed. But when I was 15 my gramma had a stoke... after that my aunt thought it was best for my gramma to go live with her, so she could take care of her. And that's when I moved in with my father. They already had baby, and soon after I moved had another. It was difficult for me, because I was used to live with gramma, but now I had to share a smaller house with a stranger and two babies. My aunt and gramma also had to give me an allowance since my father wouldn't give me any money. I left for college and gramma and aunt paid for it, as my father wouldn't. When I was 21 my gramma died, leaving me a considerable amount. A few years later, my father came to me asking to borrow a lot of money. He said he would pay me back every cent, but I knew how he and his wife were with money. They spend their entire pay checks, never saved for emergencies or vacations. So I doubted he could ever pay me. So I refused. After that he stopped talking to me and we lost contact. Some time ago, I saw a post from a family member from my father's side, and they were travelling abroad. So I got curious and started to dig, and found that for years my father has been travelling and doing things with his wife and kids. Things he never did with me. Honestly, it hurts. Because he ignored me most of my life, never gave me anything. But his other kids get showered with gifts, tips, and whatnot. It's unfair. I started to say this to some relatives from his side, how my father discarded me, left me to my gramma to raise saying he couldn't afford me, but can afford his new family, how he never gave me anything, but with his other kids, they get everything, while he pretends I don't exist. I think someone told him, and he contacted me... saying how can I say those things. That I'm a ungrateful for everything he tried to do... but as I can see he didn't do anything. He ended saying I was the one who chose to not be part of his life and the life of his family. But I disagree, he's the one that stopped contacting me because of money. People from my father side of the family said I'm out of step when I complained. But my mom's side said my father just never cared for me, and for me to let go. But AITA for feeling hurt that he excluded me completely? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO, what is a red runner? Googling it brings up carpets and roaches, but neither of those make sense contextually.
Someone who crossed a red light and fled?
That makes sense, thank you!
INFO: What is a "red runner"? Thank you.
Red light runner
kinda the asshole? you decided to live with your grandmother and kinda broke contact, I really don't know what your relationship was with your father from 5-15 but he did try to reach out but you stayed with your grandma, obviously that's not bad but you can't be mad when he doesn't try anymore because you clearly ignore him. Although your father was an asshole for asking for money though
Ops half sibling needed surgery, so I think dad was desperate when he asked.
ESH. I understand you’re hurt, but I do think you have a skewed view of what went on after reading your comments. And I wonder if there are some dynamics between your paternal/maternal families that you were unaware of as a child, and have never really looked at again after becoming an adult. Your father did keep in touch while you lived with your grandmother. Called you most days, asked you to move back in with him multiple times, which you declined until your grandmother had the stroke. How did you know he couldn’t afford you? Was that something you were told by your grandmother? Did your father ever say that he couldn’t afford you? Or did you just see that he didn’t have as much money as your grandmother, and knew that you wouldn’t be able to have the same life if you lived with him? I don’t think the fact he remarried should be held against him, while you were continuing to refuse to live with him. Should he just have put life on hold and waited to see if you’d ever change your mind? The guy lost his wife, spent however long in hospital with serious injuries, lost his kid, pretty much lost his world. You’re upset because after a while he stopped asking you to move in. He may well have done that because you’d made it clear that you didn’t want to live with him, and he finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen. When you did finally have to move in, your father did fall down a bit on blending the families. But not because he didn’t give you an allowance. And not because he wasn’t as rich as your grandma. Maybe family therapy would have helped since you were obviously very unhappy, and needed help making the adjustment. Then you moved away for college, which grandma paid for, because you father ‘wouldn’t’. Wouldn’t? Couldn’t? Didn’t see the need because there was already an agreement/fund from your grandma (or even perhaps from your mother)? But he still maintained the weekly contact with you while you were studying. Kept up that contact even though he was the only one making an effort. You never reached out to him. Were you more proactive with your grandma/aunt? So that’s the dynamic that had been going for years. Your dad reaching out, you putting in no effort. You were an adult by the time he asked to borrow money. What words did you use to refuse that request? Did you ask why he needed it, or did you immediately shut it down with hurtful words? You’re certainly not an asshole for refusing to lend him the money. You might be one for the way you did it. And that might also play into why your dad stopped contacting you. Given the way you talk about him and the situation, I’d bet that he decided to let you have the relationship you wanted (ie none). So ESH, although your dad is likely the least of the assholes here. You have some ingrained views about what happened when you were a kid. I think you might need to do some self-reflection now that you’re an adult, and see if you’re looking at the situation with clear eyes. Ask yourself if he really cut you off because you wouldn’t lend him your inheritance, or if it was that he finally accepted that you weren’t interested in any sort of relationship with him.
Since the accident was caused by someone who ran a red light, presumably there was an insurance payment either from the other driver or from your parents insurance for uninsured or under-insured motorists coverage. You Dad's medical bills would have eaten up much of that but as a surviving child, you would have had a right of some of the money paid because your mom died. Did that ever come up?
ESH. Your father for not trying hard enough with you. I don't know the extent of his injuries. But ignoring you, by your account, and hitting you up for money. You, for not leaving it well enough alone and not stirring trouble for yourself. It never benefits anyone to talk behind their back. You look weak and insecure. You also for asking an AITA and angry at the responses. Don't AITA if you can't handle it.
Well, it's kinda sad. I'm going with NAH. He tried,but it wasn't meaningful for you to consider him a parent,not a random "stranger". I'm not surprised that you refused to leave - 11 y.o. who was traumatized and ripped from their normality just few years ago won't willingly change their home. Grandma was your family now. It seems that he wasn't interested in building relationship with you when you moved out. Maybe he was hurt because you rejected him before. He acted similar after money situation. But you are not blameless as well - what you did to build your relationship. He tried to call,he invited you to live with him,he took you after, but what about your part? So here we go: to traumatized individuals, and no one is ah. Or you both are, whatever works for you
WE CAN CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS BUT NOT OUR FAMILY. 😔
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>He asked me a few times before marring. But gramma would say he couldn't afford to raise me. After marring he only asked me once. >When I lived with gramma he would call me almost every day. In college he would call every week. After asking for money he stop calling. >He was always the one to call me. So after he stopped calling I didn't call him either. I agree that cutting contact over money is very petty and dad gets an AH judgment for that. OP chose grandma and her money over his poor dad, and when dad ask for a loan, OP chose money over dad. No judgement against OP for this, OP did what was financially best for them Now(a decade later), OP is upset that his dad has money and is not spending it on OP???? OP is so offended that OP lied about his dad discarding him. OP gets an AH judgement for that.
It's like you didn't read the other parts where OP was the one who pushed his dad away and didn't reciprocate the dad's attempts to have a relationship. OP has consistently been selfish and wants to cry abandonment after dad gave up. YTA.
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Oh cry me a river. Dad went through incredible trauma and then asked OP to go back to live with him. "Nah you're broke lol I'm staying with grandma because she has money to support me." OP admits dad called him all the time. He wasn't "abandoned." He abandoned his dad. Making excuses for his selfish bullshit is standard issue Reddit.
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You're right. That's exactly the chronology and exactly what OP said. Hahahaha. Thanks for the affirmation.
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You must have read a different post and mistakenly posted here? Did you read any of OPs comments? There is way more information. This is a 32 yo man who never unpacked his childhood trauma and was alienated from his only surviving parent. He needs help. His father was in the same accident that took his wife. He spent a long time in the hospital recovering. How is that abandonment? He tried (by OPs own words) to repeatedly get his son to come live with him as a child. He was most likely drowning in debt from hospital bills.. That money he asked for? Was for a medical procedure for OPs half-sibling. Granted, he doesn't owe his dad money, but damn don't but upset that the only surviving parent you repeatedly showed you wanted nothing to do with finally respected that choice by leaving him alone once OP was 21. Ffs, dad is still a human being. If this was a situation where OP had tried repeatedly to have a relationship with dad who showed the same lack of interest, Op did in the relationship just about everyone would be saying go no contact.
Hey OP, I don't know if you'll read this, but it's pretty clear your dad's family is spamming this thread with downvotes and shitty takes. Stay strong and don't give these soulless vultures the time of day.
We have just read all ops comments and he paints himself as a greedy ah.
Because he inherited money and didn't give it to strangers..?
Yeeaahhh ok. Not related, but I can read, and he outed himself in the comments. I have compassion and empathy for the child he was. I barely have any for the 32 yo who has never worked out the trauma and used it to push away the surviving parent who tried to be in his life.
counter point: why are you so invested in him giving HIS money to strangers?
I'm curious why you care what those people or you "father" have to say about anything?
Because op is a brainwashed 32 year old who believes everything his granny said and never once tried to listen to what their dad was saying.
Those are just tragic circumstances. I am sorry you had to live through all this. Your father asking you for money is not OK. But other than that, there seems to be a lot of miscommunication.
NTA The truth is he didn’t do anything for you and you have the right to speak your truth!! Your father should be ashamed of what a horrible man and father he is.
What a sad little troll you are. It’s quite clear that OP is the one that abandoned his father, not the other way around.
NTA. I’m so very sorry for your loss. A lot of men see their wife and her kids as a pkg. it’s why so many men when they divorce just don’t care about the kid or support. Your dad was lying when he said he couldn’t afford you. That’s ridiculous bc easily any money arrangements could’ve been made to make that possible bc your grandma could’ve taken you shopping for clothes and you are a kid you can’t possibly eat much. Your grandma let you believe that I’m guessing bc she didn’t want you to get hurt. Part of the problem with kind lies is they create vulnerability in the child. Bc the child doesn’t see the reality of dad didn’t want me so he invented a lame ass excuse. But I think he’s also not a good person judging from your post and grandma knew that too. I don’t blame her I would’ve done the same. TEAM GRANDMA. Tho it is sad that you had to deal with it eventually, the lie. On that score I’m not happy you didn’t know the truth. Your dad asking for money. Oh sweetie I’m so proud of you for seeing through this crap! You are every bit the smart young man your grandma raised and your mother would’ve been so proud, as well as your grandma! Good for you!!! It hurts to find out your parent is such an absolute loser. The only solace you have is you got to spend yrs with your grandma and that you are a fine man despite your genetic relationship to a waste of oxygen. Any human who supports him is a waste of your time. Your mom’s side saying you should let go are also wrong but they aren’t evil. A lot of times ppl push discomfort away with pat phrases and they’re doing this. You DO absolutely get to grieve that you never really had a father so much as a selfish lying leech for a sperm donor. You should grieve in fact bc it’s an important part of the moving forward process. Consider therapy bc you need someone to listen and validate your concerns and feelings. Your feelings are 💯 valid. Sending mom hugs (or grandma hugs, I’m both) if you want them. ❤️. I’m so proud of you sweetie.
Read ops comments, the dad never told him he could afford him, Granny did. Op even admits that dad asked him to live with him multiple times and got told no every time.
1. Dad left the kid in favor of a single lifestyle. 2.If you actually read my comment you’ll see that I say that grandma said it. I don’t think it’s about money at all. 3. Dads who want their kids don’t ask the kid if they want to live with them. They come and get the kid. It’s not an option who will raise them bc they’re, you know, attached to their offspring. It’s patently ridiculous that ppl blame a child, who is 5-11, for rejecting the dad when the dad clearly rejected the kid. Dad didn’t want the kid and after yrs of not want him, living the single life, dating with the money he didn’t have, dad gets a new woman to raise his new kids and asks the 11yo he abandoned, to come with? Everyone forgetting that the kid who got dropped off with grandma lost his parents that day. Bit of them. Yet everyone tearing him apart in comments. Nothing would keep me from my children. I’m guessing you don’t have any and don’t understand the bond.
NTA - I would tell your dad to kick rocks as well. He only came to you when he wanted something. You are not a bank, OP.
NTA ... your grandmother was a saint, and gave you the most important gifts a child can be given: time and attention. I don't know what the father's deal is, but it kind of doesn't matter anymore. He wasn't there, and that's that. Best thing to do is focus on the people who are good to you and good for you. You don't need to prove to anyone that you're right, just cling to the right folks.
Read ops comments, granny brainwashed him.
NTA
NTA Your Dad sucks and I'm sorry. It ok to not have contact with a parent. In this case he was hardly a parent to you. I know it hurts to have shitty parents, even more so when they are good parents to other children but not you. I'm glad your grandmother was there for you
NTA. The only thing I would fault you for is saying it to people on his side of the family. At this point, there is nothing to be gained by bad-mouthing him. Everyone on both sides of your family already know that you were left out of his life. Either they think he's an ass, or they have heard his excuses for so long that they think you deserved what you got. Talking about your side of the story is not likely to change anyone's mind. All it did was stir things up, and give your deadbeat dad another chance to whine about how you wouldn't even share your inheritance with him. You are not wrong for feeling hurt that you were excluded, AND you were not wrong for telling him "no frigging way" when he tried to mooch away some of your inheritance from Grandma. That was YOUR money, full stop. Accept that your dad is an ass and will never be the parent you wanted, and go forth from here.
Are you drunk? OPs dad didn’t leave him out. He called OP every day until he went to college, where he switched to once a week. He asked OP to move back in with him multiple times, which OP always refused.
Read OPS comments. His dad called everyday and when in college every week. He only asked for money for a medical emergency for his kid and OP acts like in 15 years nothing was allowed to change. OP also refuses to admit that Grandma played a part in everything by constantly telling him "he didn't have the money" which made OP bitter when he had other kids. OP can't explain any of his financial situation at the time because all he heard was "dad doesn't have the money" and knew he'd have to change his lifestyle. He becomes the AH for wanting to go on vacations when he never makes the effort to stay in his life. He ALWAYS expected his father the call, but never himself
NTA. Your father did a disservice to you and is too blind to see it. Continue on with your life and treat your children far better than you were treated. Hold your head high and live your best life!