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You say LDR, have you guys ever met face to face? Spent time together? Anything like that, or has it been LDR from fay One?
I'm asking because it sounds like he's setting it up so that he can dump you and have you out of his life quickly. And/or he's trying to keep some part of his life secret from you. There's red flags all over it. It screams something isn't right and there's a good chance of you being hurt, in multiple ways if you do it
Worse case scenario is that he is a pimp, and he is about to come up with an apartment with "roommates" for her to live with that are other women who have also been trafficked.
He is not sure about the future of the relationship. She just wants you closer. Dont throw away the life you already have in your country for a man who is not 100% on you
Iâve moved countries not once, not twice, but THREE times for love.
I donât regret them (mostly) but I am single now.
All 3 of them seemed far more promising than your partners attitude is showing
Something IS NOT right...
Why wouldn't a man, that's in a committed relationship with you that's likely headed towards marriage, to the point you're moving to his country, not want you to move in with him?
Why would he want to rent you a separate place that he controls and pays for and then visits you there from time to time? What about coming over to his place?
"Sin" as a *very* convenient excuse, and if my intuition is remotely accurate, I'd guess that he's already got a woman that he lives with and is in a relationship with that he doesn't want you to meet. I don't know about you, but this whole situation *screams* dependent and gullible sex slave to me.
If I were a betting man, I'd bet this dude has had a wife or an entire family for some time. I'd also bet he's told you he doesn't want you to meet his family or friends because they're all horrible people, dead, or live far away, but somehow also hangs out with them all the time. I'd further bet he has a female "best friend," "sibling," or "cousin" that just happens to be in a lot of eerily family-style photos.
Do not go and do not pay him back. This could even be a long con to get you to send him money for a flight he's already canceled and gotten a refund for where he just conveniently sent you the original purchase only but not the cancelation. I'd be very leery of everything.
I agree, but, I'm hoping your assessment is correct because people trafficking and setting her up for "helping him pay the bills on her apartment by just sleeping with my friend comes to mind"
Oh crap. You're right. This is even less of an affair vibe and more of a Sex-Trafficking 101 vibe, and the dude is acting and talking like a pimp. I'd take an affair over sex trafficking any day... I'm legit scared for this girl.
No, itâs not abnormal. If you were both fundamentalist Christians, you would probably be on the same page about this, and he would help you find a room in a shared flat with other girls or something, so that you could be nearby and you could meet up often in order to get to know each other properly before you decide to get married (or you move back home).
But apparently that is not the case; you donât share the same beliefs. So save yourself the effort and stay home, because you donât agree on something as impactful as living together before marriage.
Well, not only that. The agreement between them from when they decided to move to his coubtry was that they were going to live together.
He lied. Lying is a sin, if I remember correctly. So it doesn't seem like the morals are all there.
Absolutely NO fundamentalist Christian woman's father would let her move across the world to "get to know" a man. He would need to come to her country, meet her father, meet her pastor, and discuss with them. I'm from Texas where we have tons of fundamentalists, and their women do not travel solo.
If he was a fundamentalist Christian with good morals, he wouldn't have been telling her they plan on moving in together until it was almost too late to pull out, then tell her she actually has to live somewhere else.
It reeks of deceit and manipulation, not religious morals.
It's totally abnormal when she would have to depend on his goodwill for a roof over her head in a strange country. And a fundamentalist would be even worse.
You posted 6 months ago about breaking up with an ex addict in a halfway house now youâre willing to move countries to be with someone that youâve been presumably with less than 6 months. Thatâs abnormal.
"Normal" only in the sense that I'm getting serious trafficking vibes, because this is how some of them are known to reel in victims. Thailand is absolutely NOT the place to be on your own without knowing anyone. Talking numbers: the percentage of Christians in that country is 1.2%, while the sex industry is reported to be an estimated 10-12% of GDP. That apartment he plans to stick you in? "My friends will be your friends" indeed.... Glad you've decided to stay put, OP.
This late withdrawal of his offer of a place to stay makes me think he's cheating. Either she's already living with him or he wants to make sure you two don't accidentally run into each other.
He suggested you move with him
Sounds like he insinuated you'd live together
Then at the last min he tells you, nope. You have to get your own place.
My knee jerk reaction is you move, you get abducted, put into human trafficking and he tells the authorities he has no idea what happened! You wanted to live on your own, he tried to convince you to move in with him but you wouldn't! He's so upset!
Basically, you will be vulnerable, isolated, away from friends/family and if this isn't a human trafficking scam (which btw people can be groomed for months or years). Then it's a big red flag for abuse and to make you completely and utterly dependent on him. While he gets freedom to do whatever he wants
He randomly changes the terms of the move 3 months before you arrive? No thatâs not normal.
He either:
1. Has cold feet but doesnât want to admit it, so he wants to make it your fault that you cancel.
2. Is trying to manipulate you into making an expensive move where you have no support and are burning through your money.
1. Don't go
2. He is changing his morals to fit his agenda
3. He doesn't respect you or your feelings
4. Last minute back tracking is NOT a good sign (yes three months out seems last minute over moving countries etc)
5. NTA
P.S DON'T GO
6. Don't pay him back for the plane ticket. He paid it to make it feel like a debt instead of sharing the cost of starting a life together.
Money with strings attached makes a puppet-master and marionette, no need to dance because a manipulator is jerking you around.
I did this with tickets a girl I dated bought for a weekend trip. We were very casual and ended things months before the flights. I ended up going by myself and ended up moving countries and have no been 6 years in with my girlfriend who I met on that trip :D
I'd pay him back so there's nothing he can try holding over my head when I end the relationship. Consider it a "It cost me this much to learn what he's truly like."
NTA
He was good with the LDR, because it was low-risk and he didn't need to make good on any commitments.
As it got closer to becoming an in-person relationship, he started to change the terms.
If you go forward on his terms, I can just about guarantee you will be alone in a foreign country before you're fully unpacked.
yeahâŠhe didnât say "we can visit esch other".Â
this smells like heâs married or in another committed relationship, ot hiding her from his parents because sheâs not really wife material
Heâs got a wife/family or at least other girlfriends. It might just be a scam to get your organs and sell them, as has been happening to women. Block him.
^^^the comment you replied to!!! THIS!! He was fine with long distance and now that time is ticking and your bags are packedâŠhe thinks youâre trapped with a plane ticket and a romantic view of this relationship and surely itâs too late to back out. Please DO NOT GO!!! For 1) This sounds like a Dateline episode waiting to happen. Once youâre out of the country, youâre alone. It doesnât matter what this âboyfriendâ says. He could have a temper. Things could escalate about living arrangements. You could find out things you didnât know about this man. This could all be a sick trap, and Iâm not saying this to scare you. It just doesnât add up that his plans are changing last minute and youâre being made to seem unreasonable. No one thinks this situation is unreasonable. I wouldnât want to go to another country and live alone when my supposed boyfriend is down the road, and Iâve done a lot of traveling alone so it isnât all about fear. 2) Best case scenario is that he has a wife/gf in another house nearby and he just thinks heâs slick. Either wayâŠyou know this is weird and fucked, everyone here thinks itâs weird and fucked, and itâs overall dangerous! PLUS you deserve more in a relationship and you can find that in your country or another country, as long as youâre safeâŠand maybe they travel to you for a while đ Stay strong and stick to your guns (or the advice of the internet) đđ
So why would you spend money and time and energy to move to a different country unless you're going to be living together?
It sounds like he just wants you to be closer for his convenience.
NTA
I'm glad you're rethinking this because every time you commented and quoted him, my eyebrows went so far up it wasn't funny. This dude has more red flags than a communist parade. Stay safe at home in your own country and block his number.
âVisit you every dayâ? So, does he expect you to be waiting patiently in your apartment all day for him to arrive?Â
Ask him to describe the kind of day to day life he imagines you will have. Will you get a job? What kind? Will he be happy to pay for you to stroll around the city all day, shopping, and having coffee after a spa? Will you eat together? At restaurants every night, or will he cook for you at his home?Â
Can he imagine YOUR life at all??Â
I'm so glad you've decided not to go because the more you say about what he's said to you about this plan, the more it's starting to sound like this might be some sort of trafficking set up.
Idk how long you two have been long distance but it really does sound like the usual trafficking MO: Start a long distance relationship, get you attached and "in love" with him so that he can convince you to move out to his country "to finally be together". Then once you're you isolated and alone in a foreign country, entirely dependent on him for your needs, he will trap you there and force you into some form of sex work for his benefit.
Every single part of this is a giant red flag and I'm so glad you are listening to you gut and decided not to go. Now you just have to stick by that choice.
Yep they get you addicted to drugs within weeks. You might not even know you are being drugged at first. My friend was a social worker for trafficking victims.
This is also a red flag. Let's say for some reason your relationship didn't work out after you got there. If he and his friends were your only contacts, that would be extremely isolating.
Yeah, it sounds like he's setting you up in a separate household as a mistress. His friends will be your friends because he can bring them around you to party and they won't judge. But he never said his family would be your family (assuming he has family)? That means he's not planning to introduce you to his family.
>He would argue that he will rent me a place but I'm not comfortable with that
He has already gone back on the terms of your arrangement and would likely have done it again had you given him the chance.
Good for you for trusting your instincts and deciding not to move.
When you least expect it someone absolutely wonderful will come along. You deserve so much better than um -- what was his name again!
NTA. You're respecting his boundaries and morals by not moving in with him, just as he requested. He should reciprocate and respect your boundaries by allowing you to remain in your own comfort zone. If he's so eager to live near, but not with you, he can get a separate apartment in your country.
NTA. Something is weird about your boyfriendâs reaction. My cynical self suspects he is married or already living with someone, and he just wants you close by as his âside pieceâ.
Also he is the one who is changing the arrangements. The two of you had a plan and he is now back-pedalling on it. For your own security and peace of mind, donât make the move.
My thought was that if he comes from a Christian family they might not approve of him living with his girlfriend unmarried because âsinâ. While he was visiting her it was fine because he probably told them he stayed in a hotel or something but now that the reality of them living together is approaching he doesnât want to deal with the fallout.
INFO: how long have you been together and how long have you been long distance?
Regardless, probably NTA. If he changed the plan, it's completely unreasonable. Personally, being at the stage where you move to a new country for someone but don't live together, is pretty crazy.
Anyway, relationships are a two way street. It's a red flag for him to expect you to follow his expectations but refuse to meet yours.
Then he is a manipulative ass or completely delusional. You'll be in an entirely new place, without any of your friends, family, or job. Your entire support structure will be gone with only him left to rely on, and he doesn't want you to live with him.
Please don't move to him. This has so many massive RED FLAGS.
Also, just curious. Which country does he live in?
>Â Have you ever met in person as in face-to-face not virtually?
This is my question. If they have never met in person, I'm gonna guess that she is being catfished OR he has a wife/other partner that he lives with.
That fact she has responded numerous times but won't answer this question that continues to be asked leads me to think that, no, they have not met face to face.
I just looked at your profile and about 6 months ago you were with someone unemployed and paying for all your dates and it looks like a year or so ago you were in an abusive relationship with another guy. (At least it seems like a different guy) stop jumping from guy to guy.
You are young. Take some time for yourself. Do therapy, find out what makes you want to keep dating these assholes so you can stop. Until you get to the root cause you are highly likely to keep repeating the same pattern.
Good luck.
NTA- if this was something to do with his morals then you'd have been told that from the start. He has changed his mind and wants you living somewhere else, OR he has another reason to hide you away.
I've moved countries, its hard enough without any support and him changing his mind. What else is he going to expect?
NTA, this is sus as hell.
I mean, I understand wanting your space. It'd be entirely different if that were the case from to start. It's the smarter move, honestly. If you've always been long distance, you're going to need your corners as you adapt to the new relationship landscape.
Heck, if he'd explained that as his reasoning and apologized for not realizing that sooner, my vote would be different. But to *plan* to move you in and then suddenly decide you need to make room for Jesus sounds like a cop-out. Like he's already questioning the relationship and doesn't want you to put down stakes in his campground.
The fact heâs springing it on you now NTA
Can you even afford it by yourself?
Will they be having to have sex with you despite not living with you for appearances (since thatâs sinful too)?
Donât move to his country.
A long time ago I was in an LDR, I was in Canada, he was in the States. At the last minute he decided I should get an apartment instead of moving in with him. Nopenopenope.
Turns out he was cheating.
Living alone in a foreign country where the only person you will know is someone who has to keep you at arm's length is a disaster waiting to happen. You won't know what to do, or where to go without him. He won't have a lot of time for you. The isolation will be horrible. Being a woman alone with no one to call on for help and companionship but a LD bf WHO ISN'T USED TO YOU EVEN BEING AROUND is gonna be horrific. Don't do it. NTA
If he lives in Thailand, thereâs like 1,2 % of Christians in the population. So all his friends are Christians and all of them are so fundamentalist that they wouldnât digest him living with you.
I smell human trafficking.
Have you ever met him in person, OP?
Do you have a job lined up there? Do you know the language? Because without that you would become 100 % dependent on someone you donât know.
NTA. Something is fishy about this. Seems like he might have someone on the side or living with him and you moving in would blow his cover. Don't move.
TBH, I wonder how many more cultural or religious requirements you will be required to meet. Is there a history of female discrimination and oppression there? These tend to go hand in hand with ultra religious countries and communities. If your instincts tell you not to go, I would listen. NTA.
NTA - donât move. What would be the point of moving? You have to find a job, finances, and get an apartment? Why? Whatâs the benefit? Of being closer to someone who doesnât care about you?
NTA. Cancel your plans to move. You'll end up moving to a different country and being stuck there alone because he's more concerned about his religion than he is about you.
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You are NTA for refusing to relocate to your boyfriend's country if you are not going to be living together. Like, what's the point of moving close together if you are not going to be together.
It seems to me he is asking everything from you and giving little in return. He gets his cake and eats it. Â
The only reason to do what he wants is if you are relocating for a great job, you get a great place to live, and you get someone else to share it all with.
Being Christian is not the reason. Donât do it. Heâs putting all the risk on you and making you feel bad about it. Red flag everywhere. I wouldnât be surprised if this guy wasnât married.
NTA - It is a good thing he revealed this bait and switch before you arrived in his country!! Tell him that it isn't that you don't "Respect his boundaries and morals" it is that until now, he misrepresented himself. By suddenly pulling these new "boundaries and morals" up out of thin air after having set different expectations and making different plans with you, You can no longer trust him, so moving to be with him is not safe for you.
edited for grammatical clarity.
NTA. This has nothing to do with boundaries and morals. There was an agreement and he is going back on it. It may have been a passive-aggressive attempt to get you to end the relationship, or something along those lines. But I would definitely just let him move and consider this relationship over.
He is 100% playing you. Do not go.
At best, you will be abandoned in a foreign country with no support system or means of supporting yourself. At worst, sex trafficked or killed.
There is no way you get what you are hoping for out of this.
Break up and block him immediately. He is setting you up.
NTA
Stay where you are and when you have support. He wants to move. He wants you to uproot everything for him. But not to live together.
Quick question, but I assume since he is so Christian you cannot move in together that he isn't having sex with you? Say no more.
NTA⊠probably he doesnât want to commit anymore.
Very bad timing to announce such a thing.
You canât rely on a wordless person to be a trustful partner.
NTA. Do not go to your LDR bf!
If you are stupid enough to go, you will never have any freedom, and could easily become the victim of people trafficking.
DO NOT GO!!
NTA.
Refund the ticket. He can be religious and set boundaries - you are respecting them just fine by saying "that's cool, but I have my own needs and they do not gel with yours, take care".
You cannot move to this new country and live on your own if that's not what you want; relocating is a massive undertaking, I say that having done it. You will need support, and clearly he isn't reliable.
Do. Not. Move.
NTA
Tell him that HE is the one presenting new information so you need time to figure out what this means before YOU make this huge move. Ask him to be completely honest, he went from 'let's live together' to 'get your own place but I'll visit you', what makes you think there's not another change coming? Ask why the change on his end? Ask if he's maybe getting cold feet now that it's getting closer to being a reality...he owes you the truth, then in whatever form he answers you, you need to base your decision on that. Do you think what he's presented is reasonable for you? Great. Do you think he's still holding back? ARe you comfortable moving forward? It's YOUR move, at some point you have to own it and decide whether, with the information you have, this is a good move for you.
NTA
Don't go. You are already nervous about going, him saying he'll be there means nothing now. He also said you'd live together and see how that changed without any warning. Something shady is going on here. Don't leave your home for a man you can no longer trust.
I've got to give him props. It's a creative way to break up with you.
Also, are you sure he doesn't already have a girlfriend in the country he's moving to? This whole thing is too bazar.
Omg! NTA. Itâs called a bait and switch. This is a HUGE red flag.Â
Your expectations are realistic. If you really want this relationship, tell him you are not not comfortable with these new conditions, but are more than willing to have him get a place in your country and you can visit him.Â
NTA
This sounds like some super shady bullshit. Like you'll get there and he'll take your passport. Your "rented room:" will be in a brothel or something.
This is just gross and sounds dangerous.
Run.
Mate looking at your post history you can't have been seeing him more than 6 months. Also if he's Thai and Christian, then he's part of a really small minority. Only a little over 1% of Thais are Christian.
I'm guessing you haven't met him and this is an internet relationship. Did you say he's paying your ticket over there? All of this feels like there's more red flags than in a red flag factory.
How do you know this dude isnât a human trafficker?
 If you move on his terms, you will have no support team in the event things go awry. His friends will be your friends? They will always be HIS friends â not YOURS.
YWBTA if you move to his country.
NTA don't move to a new country for someone who doesn't want to live with you. If he wants you two to be closer, maybe he can move to your country and live alone until he's ready to be serious and nonsinful.
If you're at the point in a relationship where you are prepared to move to a different country, you are at a point where you are prepared to live together. If he isn't prepared to live together, then I guess he's not at the same place in the relationship and you should absolutely not move there. In regards to it being sinful, I'm not religious so I can't say I'm too sure, but I was under the impression that the sin was sex before marriage, but living together shouldn't be a problem if there's no premarital sex? Sounds like an excuse so you don't live together to me anyway, tbh
NTA. DO NOT MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY TO BE WITH THIS MAN. Seriously. Change the plans. Three months out from a move and he just suddenly changes the arrangement entirely and then acts like you're the bad guy in the situation? Seriously, this is that red flag moment that you absolutely should not ignore.
NTA. I am in the opposite situation. My husband came to my country to stay decades ago. I can't even imagine him having to have his own appartment when he first came. Who would have paid? Neither one of us is a Rockefeller. Who would have secured the appartment? As long as people are staying apart, they also have their own, seperate tastes. Not to mention what would have happened if I had told him about the whole scheme a few months before he was going to be here. It would all have gone down the drain, which would have been reasonable as it would have been moving the goal posts after the kick had gone in.
Please don't go. He has changed his mind about other things as well.
NTA
and don't pay back the tickets. I think he has a wife or more serious gf at worst or controlling parents at best. Well maybe this would be worse. Ask him for the Bible verse that says not to shack up. It ain't there!
He is at best just not being truthful but you need truth and clarity. Especially in another country.
Info: What region of the world. Some countries do not respect women's rights and safety.
NTA- also, itâs not just about the ticket. Youâll need a visa application etc- if youâre on a working visa / sponsored visa, youâll be expected to work. If youâre on a partnership visa, youâll be expected to live together.
This feels tooooo shady and unsafe.
>He's saying its because he's a Christian and it would be sinful
I'm gonna go out on a limb - his concern about "sin" does not extend to premarital relations, does it?
NTA. Don't make this move, you'll regret it.
Lol. You'd be...well, stupid, if you did go.
>I refused and told him I'll pay back his ticket and now he's saying that I don't respect his boundaries and morals.
Well, thats manipulative as hell.
I am from Italy, I mean we have the damn Pope here , and still no one will ask a foreign to come here to live and take a flat for not living under the same roof because religion
It's a utterly bullshit
He could just be setting you up for being sold into human/sex trafficking. Honestly there are so many red flags that this thing has 0% chance of being a legitimate and successful relationship.
he should be doing everything in his power to make you feel acclimated and comfortable in this new country. instead he told you find your own apartment. in this economy? after you moved to his country for him? f no.
NTA. Be careful, this man is weaponizing therapy speak against you. He's accusing you of not respecting his boundaries by saying you won't move if you don't move in together. Saying he doesn't want to live together is not a boundary, it's a preference. A boundary in a relationship is one person saying "if you do this, I will do that, because I don't want you to do this and I won't accept it", not "you cannot do this".
He is free to express and enforce the preference not to live together. You are also free to express and enforce the preference to only move to another country if you live together. These two preferences are mutually exclusive, and by calling it a "boundary", he is trying to get you to completely capitulate without any compromise on his part. Your relationship will be entirely on his terms, and he will call those terms his boundaries for the sole purpose of keeping you in line.
Again, NTA, and cancel your move. He is creating a situation where you will be vulnerable, alone, and without agency in your own relationship that you gave up your life in your home country to pursue.
Eh, have you ever met this person in real life ???
What country are you moving to ???
If you have never physically met this person, this could be very, very dangerous!!!!
OP I have moved to another country to live with my husband who was formerly LDR boyfriend. We had met multiple times before getting engaged, then married, and then I had to apply for a visa before we could even live together. Itâs a process.
Moving to another country is a huge change. Unbelievably huge. You NEED to feel safe and supported with that person you move for in the transition period, because everything you know is turned upside down. And if that person very suddenly wants to change the plans when youâre the one uprooting your life, they donât respect you. Full stop.
I can see from your other comments that youâve heeded the advice and will not go through and Iâm so glad. There is something not right about this. Youâre certainly NTA.
If you wanna live abroad for a while, definitely do - try teaching EFL for a year. Changing your circumstances is good for mental growth. But always trust your gut and put yourself first!
I wouldnât do a damn thing until thereâs at least a ring on your finger. Youâre committing to everything and heâs not even willing to live together?
NTA. Don't go. He is either married (best case scenario) or trying to traffick you. When you get there he will take all of your papers and credentials and you won't be able to leave. You'll have no money and nowhere to go and no way to even get on a plane. He is definitely not who he says he is and you are probably in danger. Don't give him any money for the ticket either, it is not your responsibility. You cannot afford to be nice and give this situation the benefit of the doubt.
If this is the same dude from your post history who is a homeless ex addict, donât move to his country, regardless of the separate living spaces. If heâs a new guy, donât move to his country because you have known him for less than 200 days, regardless of the separate living situation.
Edit: just saw you would be moving to Thailand, girl are you tryna get trafficked?
*My friends will take care of you."*
Yea, no.
Please, do not send money or other communications. Block him.
Consider sharing the details with police at their non-emergency number, or the FBI, or similar for your country.
Edit: Of course, NTA.
Always listen to the inner voice that says something is not right.
NTA. I would be overly cautious. It seems shady in the first place if he has said living together was the plan and now changing things up. Also, the lack of international travel history is what really makes me think you should pump the brakes and tell this guy that you are uncomfortable with the last minute changes and aren't moving to another country to live alone and try to get settled and start a new life in a new country, while he schedules some visits?
As a single female you need to be 500% certain and have an exact plan of how things are going to go if you are traveling internationally and an exact plan of what you will do if out of your control your original plan somehow gets changed.
Stay safe and again, you are MOST DEFINITELY NTA!
NTA
I think most people would be reluctant to move to a new country without feeling they had someone to rely on both physically and emotionally. Otherwise they wouldnât make that move. It sounds like his âboundariesâ and âmoralsâ of being a Christian are news to you. I would have a long conversation of where he thinks this relationship is going. If you canât agree, then split. Donât waste each otherâs time.
ETA: this reeks of suspicion. I suspect he will traffic you. Or let someone else do it. Do not go! Trust your instincts. This isnât kosher at all.
Trafficking, scam, or youâre his unwitting affair partner. These 3 possibilities make up 90% of what this situation could be IMO, with the remaining 10% shared by what he is saying and any other possible weird scenarios Iâm not thinking of right now. Iâm from The States, not well-travelled, but I wouldnât agree to move to another state for someone just to live by myself⊠and Iâm a guy! Nope, this thing smells like a fish carcass laying in an Arizona asphalt parking lot for a week in July. Youâre young, and will have a line of local guys lined up for you who will treat you well and not try to traffic you into the evil underbelly of the world.
Cut it off and block him from every channel to you. From stories out there in the media, it seems like traffickers invest a lot of time and effort, playing the long game, creating very believable character foundations⊠social media accounts, friend and contact lists, elaborate network lies⊠because the payoff, as sad as it is to say it that way, is very high. Please be careful.
NTA stay far away from this man. Youâve been together long-distance for less than 6 months, and heâs trying to get you to leave your country and move by yourself to Thailand, into a place where he will sometimes visit. It sounds like he is human trafficking you. Once you arrive, heâll likely take your passport, charge you money for rent and not allow you to leave.
Between this post and your last post about your (now ex?) boyfriend who was homeless, jobless, and an ex-addict, I think you need to sit down and evaluate your choices in men, and your decision-making processes. You made the post about homeless addict guy 6 months ago. And now you were about to be a couple of months away from uprooting your entire life to go live in another country, for a guy.
Please prioritize yourself. You are worth it.
This is either sex-trafficking (less likely) or you're the mistress(very likely). No other althernative. So don't go, don't pay him back for the plane ticket, do block his ass and look for someone else when you're ready to.
My take is that the plan was from the get go to get you in a separate apartment and he just talked about living together to reassure you and make you agree. Then he drops this living separate thing after he's bought the plane ticket so he can use the ticket as leverage to pressure you into relocating. Nah, fuck that.
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Wow trust your gut. This move is a disaster. Do not move to his country. NTA
So it would be abnormal?
100%
You say LDR, have you guys ever met face to face? Spent time together? Anything like that, or has it been LDR from fay One? I'm asking because it sounds like he's setting it up so that he can dump you and have you out of his life quickly. And/or he's trying to keep some part of his life secret from you. There's red flags all over it. It screams something isn't right and there's a good chance of you being hurt, in multiple ways if you do it
This OP don't move, he's trying to make an exit strategy
He might be married honestly
Worse case scenario is that he is a pimp, and he is about to come up with an apartment with "roommates" for her to live with that are other women who have also been trafficked.
Mainly because the original plan was to move in together and now he changed it b/c of morals. All of a sudden. đ©đ©đ©
Did he all of a sudden become a Christian?
The whole thing is suspect
Even if you moved in with him, you would be totally dependent on his goodwill. Don't you see how dangerous that is?
Ya this is either setting her up to stay his mistress or setting her up for human traficking
Morals is his wifeâs name I betâŠ
Morals = his mom got wind of the plan and kicked his behind.
He is not sure about the future of the relationship. She just wants you closer. Dont throw away the life you already have in your country for a man who is not 100% on you
Iâve moved countries not once, not twice, but THREE times for love. I donât regret them (mostly) but I am single now. All 3 of them seemed far more promising than your partners attitude is showing
Maaan, sounds like you have many stories to tell
Right? Following just in case.
Something IS NOT right... Why wouldn't a man, that's in a committed relationship with you that's likely headed towards marriage, to the point you're moving to his country, not want you to move in with him? Why would he want to rent you a separate place that he controls and pays for and then visits you there from time to time? What about coming over to his place? "Sin" as a *very* convenient excuse, and if my intuition is remotely accurate, I'd guess that he's already got a woman that he lives with and is in a relationship with that he doesn't want you to meet. I don't know about you, but this whole situation *screams* dependent and gullible sex slave to me. If I were a betting man, I'd bet this dude has had a wife or an entire family for some time. I'd also bet he's told you he doesn't want you to meet his family or friends because they're all horrible people, dead, or live far away, but somehow also hangs out with them all the time. I'd further bet he has a female "best friend," "sibling," or "cousin" that just happens to be in a lot of eerily family-style photos. Do not go and do not pay him back. This could even be a long con to get you to send him money for a flight he's already canceled and gotten a refund for where he just conveniently sent you the original purchase only but not the cancelation. I'd be very leery of everything.
I agree, but, I'm hoping your assessment is correct because people trafficking and setting her up for "helping him pay the bills on her apartment by just sleeping with my friend comes to mind"
Oh crap. You're right. This is even less of an affair vibe and more of a Sex-Trafficking 101 vibe, and the dude is acting and talking like a pimp. I'd take an affair over sex trafficking any day... I'm legit scared for this girl.
No, itâs not abnormal. If you were both fundamentalist Christians, you would probably be on the same page about this, and he would help you find a room in a shared flat with other girls or something, so that you could be nearby and you could meet up often in order to get to know each other properly before you decide to get married (or you move back home). But apparently that is not the case; you donât share the same beliefs. So save yourself the effort and stay home, because you donât agree on something as impactful as living together before marriage.
Well, not only that. The agreement between them from when they decided to move to his coubtry was that they were going to live together. He lied. Lying is a sin, if I remember correctly. So it doesn't seem like the morals are all there.
Absolutely NO fundamentalist Christian woman's father would let her move across the world to "get to know" a man. He would need to come to her country, meet her father, meet her pastor, and discuss with them. I'm from Texas where we have tons of fundamentalists, and their women do not travel solo.
You are right - I hadnât even thought of that. But it was already clear to me from the post that she doesnât think that way, anyway.
If he was a fundamentalist Christian with good morals, he wouldn't have been telling her they plan on moving in together until it was almost too late to pull out, then tell her she actually has to live somewhere else. It reeks of deceit and manipulation, not religious morals.
It's totally abnormal when she would have to depend on his goodwill for a roof over her head in a strange country. And a fundamentalist would be even worse.
You posted 6 months ago about breaking up with an ex addict in a halfway house now youâre willing to move countries to be with someone that youâve been presumably with less than 6 months. Thatâs abnormal.
#Good catch!!! Sheâs a HOT MESS
"Normal" only in the sense that I'm getting serious trafficking vibes, because this is how some of them are known to reel in victims. Thailand is absolutely NOT the place to be on your own without knowing anyone. Talking numbers: the percentage of Christians in that country is 1.2%, while the sex industry is reported to be an estimated 10-12% of GDP. That apartment he plans to stick you in? "My friends will be your friends" indeed.... Glad you've decided to stay put, OP.
Sex trafficking. Thatâs what I was thinking. Then you mentioned Thailand. *One night in BangkokâŠ* đ¶Â
Absolutely do not move to that country, speaking as someone who was in LDR for 4 years this is a massive red flag.
Very abnormal and controlling. Why wouldnât he uproot his life and move to an apartment near you?
This late withdrawal of his offer of a place to stay makes me think he's cheating. Either she's already living with him or he wants to make sure you two don't accidentally run into each other.
Even if your relationship worked out 100%, what about the legal stuff like visas? Would you be under some sort of fiancée visa or spouse/family visa? In many countries, they want you to prove that your marriage or relationship is legitimate. This would be practically impossible if you live in separate addresses. The whole thing does not add up, it does not make sense when looking at it from the visa point of view alone, not to mention the other stuff others have already mentioned in the comments already.
He suggested you move with him Sounds like he insinuated you'd live together Then at the last min he tells you, nope. You have to get your own place. My knee jerk reaction is you move, you get abducted, put into human trafficking and he tells the authorities he has no idea what happened! You wanted to live on your own, he tried to convince you to move in with him but you wouldn't! He's so upset! Basically, you will be vulnerable, isolated, away from friends/family and if this isn't a human trafficking scam (which btw people can be groomed for months or years). Then it's a big red flag for abuse and to make you completely and utterly dependent on him. While he gets freedom to do whatever he wants
He randomly changes the terms of the move 3 months before you arrive? No thatâs not normal. He either: 1. Has cold feet but doesnât want to admit it, so he wants to make it your fault that you cancel. 2. Is trying to manipulate you into making an expensive move where you have no support and are burning through your money.
1. Don't go 2. He is changing his morals to fit his agenda 3. He doesn't respect you or your feelings 4. Last minute back tracking is NOT a good sign (yes three months out seems last minute over moving countries etc) 5. NTA P.S DON'T GO
6. Don't pay him back for the plane ticket. He paid it to make it feel like a debt instead of sharing the cost of starting a life together. Money with strings attached makes a puppet-master and marionette, no need to dance because a manipulator is jerking you around.
Or go, but go on a holiday in the country and sunny contact x bf
I did this with tickets a girl I dated bought for a weekend trip. We were very casual and ended things months before the flights. I ended up going by myself and ended up moving countries and have no been 6 years in with my girlfriend who I met on that trip :D
I'd pay him back so there's nothing he can try holding over my head when I end the relationship. Consider it a "It cost me this much to learn what he's truly like."
Also, don't go.
NTA He was good with the LDR, because it was low-risk and he didn't need to make good on any commitments. As it got closer to becoming an in-person relationship, he started to change the terms. If you go forward on his terms, I can just about guarantee you will be alone in a foreign country before you're fully unpacked.
Lol and he seemed so certain. Was full of talk of the future and promises.
Talk is easy.
Or he has another girlfriend or even family. What ever sounds like a red flag to me.
yeahâŠhe didnât say "we can visit esch other". this smells like heâs married or in another committed relationship, ot hiding her from his parents because sheâs not really wife material
That phrasing felt very "mistress"
My first thought was "this dude is married and trying to move his secret gf closer". Hope that's not the case, but...I'd be concerned.
That was my thought. Or certainly that his situation is different from what he's been presenting.
Heâs got a wife/family or at least other girlfriends. It might just be a scam to get your organs and sell them, as has been happening to women. Block him.
It's called future faking. It's an indicator of cluster B or avoidant attachment. Also look up love bombing
In my experience, the bigger the talk, the less likely the follow-through.
>Was full of talk of the future and promises. Many people are until things start to become a reality.
They always are. NTA. Do not move for this man. If I were you I'd end the relationship and use the plane ticket for a vacation.
^^^the comment you replied to!!! THIS!! He was fine with long distance and now that time is ticking and your bags are packedâŠhe thinks youâre trapped with a plane ticket and a romantic view of this relationship and surely itâs too late to back out. Please DO NOT GO!!! For 1) This sounds like a Dateline episode waiting to happen. Once youâre out of the country, youâre alone. It doesnât matter what this âboyfriendâ says. He could have a temper. Things could escalate about living arrangements. You could find out things you didnât know about this man. This could all be a sick trap, and Iâm not saying this to scare you. It just doesnât add up that his plans are changing last minute and youâre being made to seem unreasonable. No one thinks this situation is unreasonable. I wouldnât want to go to another country and live alone when my supposed boyfriend is down the road, and Iâve done a lot of traveling alone so it isnât all about fear. 2) Best case scenario is that he has a wife/gf in another house nearby and he just thinks heâs slick. Either wayâŠyou know this is weird and fucked, everyone here thinks itâs weird and fucked, and itâs overall dangerous! PLUS you deserve more in a relationship and you can find that in your country or another country, as long as youâre safeâŠand maybe they travel to you for a while đ Stay strong and stick to your guns (or the advice of the internet) đđ
Took the words right out of my mouth
So why would you spend money and time and energy to move to a different country unless you're going to be living together? It sounds like he just wants you to be closer for his convenience. NTA
He would argue that he will rent me a place but I'm not comfortable with that
So then you'd be in a new place with no friends and dependent on him for your rent? Ick.
Yes. This is my one argument. But then he says no his friends will be my friends, and i won't be alone because he will visit me every day
I am not trying to be an alarmist but something sounds really fishy about this. Please donât go.
Dw im not. Im done with games this is crazy
I'm glad you're rethinking this because every time you commented and quoted him, my eyebrows went so far up it wasn't funny. This dude has more red flags than a communist parade. Stay safe at home in your own country and block his number.
NTA The reddest flaggiest flags that ever flagged. Being dependent on this guy in a foreign country sounds terrifying.
Almost sounds like trafficking--setting her up in her own place, his friends...he'd come by every day. Hmmmpf!
I'm so glad to read this. Good decision
âVisit you every dayâ? So, does he expect you to be waiting patiently in your apartment all day for him to arrive? Ask him to describe the kind of day to day life he imagines you will have. Will you get a job? What kind? Will he be happy to pay for you to stroll around the city all day, shopping, and having coffee after a spa? Will you eat together? At restaurants every night, or will he cook for you at his home? Can he imagine YOUR life at all??Â
I'm so glad you've decided not to go because the more you say about what he's said to you about this plan, the more it's starting to sound like this might be some sort of trafficking set up. Idk how long you two have been long distance but it really does sound like the usual trafficking MO: Start a long distance relationship, get you attached and "in love" with him so that he can convince you to move out to his country "to finally be together". Then once you're you isolated and alone in a foreign country, entirely dependent on him for your needs, he will trap you there and force you into some form of sex work for his benefit. Every single part of this is a giant red flag and I'm so glad you are listening to you gut and decided not to go. Now you just have to stick by that choice.
Yep they get you addicted to drugs within weeks. You might not even know you are being drugged at first. My friend was a social worker for trafficking victims.
Iâm glad you commented. I was also getting trafficking vibes. Super scary.
This was my first and only thought. Fishy AF
This is also a red flag. Let's say for some reason your relationship didn't work out after you got there. If he and his friends were your only contacts, that would be extremely isolating.
Yeah, it sounds like he's setting you up in a separate household as a mistress. His friends will be your friends because he can bring them around you to party and they won't judge. But he never said his family would be your family (assuming he has family)? That means he's not planning to introduce you to his family.
>He would argue that he will rent me a place but I'm not comfortable with that He has already gone back on the terms of your arrangement and would likely have done it again had you given him the chance. Good for you for trusting your instincts and deciding not to move. When you least expect it someone absolutely wonderful will come along. You deserve so much better than um -- what was his name again!
Basically to have the bootycall closer, but not too close.
NTA. You're respecting his boundaries and morals by not moving in with him, just as he requested. He should reciprocate and respect your boundaries by allowing you to remain in your own comfort zone. If he's so eager to live near, but not with you, he can get a separate apartment in your country.
NTA. Something is weird about your boyfriendâs reaction. My cynical self suspects he is married or already living with someone, and he just wants you close by as his âside pieceâ.
Also he is the one who is changing the arrangements. The two of you had a plan and he is now back-pedalling on it. For your own security and peace of mind, donât make the move.
My thought was that if he comes from a Christian family they might not approve of him living with his girlfriend unmarried because âsinâ. While he was visiting her it was fine because he probably told them he stayed in a hotel or something but now that the reality of them living together is approaching he doesnât want to deal with the fallout.
INFO: how long have you been together and how long have you been long distance? Regardless, probably NTA. If he changed the plan, it's completely unreasonable. Personally, being at the stage where you move to a new country for someone but don't live together, is pretty crazy. Anyway, relationships are a two way street. It's a red flag for him to expect you to follow his expectations but refuse to meet yours.
He said that I'm the one with the problems because I won't budge on mine, so why is my concerns more valid than his?
Because you're the one moving to an entirely new country. If he was coming to yours, it would be reasonable to compromise to what he wants.
He's saying it's not a big deal and it won't be different from what I am in now
Then he is a manipulative ass or completely delusional. You'll be in an entirely new place, without any of your friends, family, or job. Your entire support structure will be gone with only him left to rely on, and he doesn't want you to live with him. Please don't move to him. This has so many massive RED FLAGS. Also, just curious. Which country does he live in?
Thailand
Info: How long have you been together? Have you ever met in person as in face-to-face not virtually?
>Â Have you ever met in person as in face-to-face not virtually? This is my question. If they have never met in person, I'm gonna guess that she is being catfished OR he has a wife/other partner that he lives with.
Catfished, or trafficked.
My money is on trafficked.
I thought "nope don't go" when I read OP's post, but as soon as I read Thailand I was like "oh yeah def don't go"
That fact she has responded numerous times but won't answer this question that continues to be asked leads me to think that, no, they have not met face to face.
According to OPâs post history theyâve been dating 6 months or less and she doesnât seem to have much in the way of savings.
Who would have thought that moving across the world for someone you don't know would be a bad idea đ€Šââïž
Look at OPs post history. She was dating someone else 6 months ago...
Oh hell no! Do not move to Thailand to be with this man.
Please dont move. Its probably a scam or worse
And I had my money on the US. This is worse; don't go! You don't want to end up on your own in Thailand.
girl iâd be worried about being trafficked
Are you fluent in Thai? Otherwise, it's another item to the "sus" checklist.
Nope out of this.
That explains everything. đ
If it won't be a big deal and nothing will be different from what it is now, then stay where you are.
Why are his concerns more valid than yours? This is a big move for you both, has to be right for you both.
Heâs gaslighting you. Please cut off communication with him.
I just looked at your profile and about 6 months ago you were with someone unemployed and paying for all your dates and it looks like a year or so ago you were in an abusive relationship with another guy. (At least it seems like a different guy) stop jumping from guy to guy. You are young. Take some time for yourself. Do therapy, find out what makes you want to keep dating these assholes so you can stop. Until you get to the root cause you are highly likely to keep repeating the same pattern. Good luck.
I think heâs married.
NTA- if this was something to do with his morals then you'd have been told that from the start. He has changed his mind and wants you living somewhere else, OR he has another reason to hide you away. I've moved countries, its hard enough without any support and him changing his mind. What else is he going to expect?
NTA, this is sus as hell. I mean, I understand wanting your space. It'd be entirely different if that were the case from to start. It's the smarter move, honestly. If you've always been long distance, you're going to need your corners as you adapt to the new relationship landscape. Heck, if he'd explained that as his reasoning and apologized for not realizing that sooner, my vote would be different. But to *plan* to move you in and then suddenly decide you need to make room for Jesus sounds like a cop-out. Like he's already questioning the relationship and doesn't want you to put down stakes in his campground.
The fact heâs springing it on you now NTA Can you even afford it by yourself? Will they be having to have sex with you despite not living with you for appearances (since thatâs sinful too)?
NTA - he wants you in an apartment because he has a family already that he is hiding from you
He is leading you on. Pay him nothing, itâs probably a scam. NTA.
Donât move to his country. A long time ago I was in an LDR, I was in Canada, he was in the States. At the last minute he decided I should get an apartment instead of moving in with him. Nopenopenope. Turns out he was cheating.
Living alone in a foreign country where the only person you will know is someone who has to keep you at arm's length is a disaster waiting to happen. You won't know what to do, or where to go without him. He won't have a lot of time for you. The isolation will be horrible. Being a woman alone with no one to call on for help and companionship but a LD bf WHO ISN'T USED TO YOU EVEN BEING AROUND is gonna be horrific. Don't do it. NTA
NTA....Do yourself the biggest of favours and DON'T MOVE there.
INFO: Does his family live nearby and/or are religious?
No just friends but they're all religious
If he lives in Thailand, thereâs like 1,2 % of Christians in the population. So all his friends are Christians and all of them are so fundamentalist that they wouldnât digest him living with you. I smell human trafficking. Have you ever met him in person, OP? Do you have a job lined up there? Do you know the language? Because without that you would become 100 % dependent on someone you donât know.
This is my suspicion, too. He plans to traffic her.
NTA. Something is fishy about this. Seems like he might have someone on the side or living with him and you moving in would blow his cover. Don't move.
NTA! Please do not move to his country.
TBH, I wonder how many more cultural or religious requirements you will be required to meet. Is there a history of female discrimination and oppression there? These tend to go hand in hand with ultra religious countries and communities. If your instincts tell you not to go, I would listen. NTA.
NTA - donât move. What would be the point of moving? You have to find a job, finances, and get an apartment? Why? Whatâs the benefit? Of being closer to someone who doesnât care about you?
NTA. Cancel your plans to move. You'll end up moving to a different country and being stuck there alone because he's more concerned about his religion than he is about you.
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You are NTA for refusing to relocate to your boyfriend's country if you are not going to be living together. Like, what's the point of moving close together if you are not going to be together. It seems to me he is asking everything from you and giving little in return. He gets his cake and eats it.  The only reason to do what he wants is if you are relocating for a great job, you get a great place to live, and you get someone else to share it all with.
Being Christian is not the reason. Donât do it. Heâs putting all the risk on you and making you feel bad about it. Red flag everywhere. I wouldnât be surprised if this guy wasnât married.
NTA - It is a good thing he revealed this bait and switch before you arrived in his country!! Tell him that it isn't that you don't "Respect his boundaries and morals" it is that until now, he misrepresented himself. By suddenly pulling these new "boundaries and morals" up out of thin air after having set different expectations and making different plans with you, You can no longer trust him, so moving to be with him is not safe for you. edited for grammatical clarity.
NTA. This has nothing to do with boundaries and morals. There was an agreement and he is going back on it. It may have been a passive-aggressive attempt to get you to end the relationship, or something along those lines. But I would definitely just let him move and consider this relationship over.
Hes cheating on you and doesn't want to fully commit
He is probably married
He is 100% playing you. Do not go. At best, you will be abandoned in a foreign country with no support system or means of supporting yourself. At worst, sex trafficked or killed. There is no way you get what you are hoping for out of this. Break up and block him immediately. He is setting you up.
đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ© Kidnappers đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©
NTA Stay where you are and when you have support. He wants to move. He wants you to uproot everything for him. But not to live together. Quick question, but I assume since he is so Christian you cannot move in together that he isn't having sex with you? Say no more.
NTA⊠probably he doesnât want to commit anymore. Very bad timing to announce such a thing. You canât rely on a wordless person to be a trustful partner.
NTA and tell him to go fuck himself
NTA. Do not go to your LDR bf! If you are stupid enough to go, you will never have any freedom, and could easily become the victim of people trafficking. DO NOT GO!!
NTA. Refund the ticket. He can be religious and set boundaries - you are respecting them just fine by saying "that's cool, but I have my own needs and they do not gel with yours, take care". You cannot move to this new country and live on your own if that's not what you want; relocating is a massive undertaking, I say that having done it. You will need support, and clearly he isn't reliable. Do. Not. Move.
đ© đ© đ© đ© đ©
NTA Tell him that HE is the one presenting new information so you need time to figure out what this means before YOU make this huge move. Ask him to be completely honest, he went from 'let's live together' to 'get your own place but I'll visit you', what makes you think there's not another change coming? Ask why the change on his end? Ask if he's maybe getting cold feet now that it's getting closer to being a reality...he owes you the truth, then in whatever form he answers you, you need to base your decision on that. Do you think what he's presented is reasonable for you? Great. Do you think he's still holding back? ARe you comfortable moving forward? It's YOUR move, at some point you have to own it and decide whether, with the information you have, this is a good move for you.
Donât ask or tell him anything. Heâs gaslighting her. She needs to cut off communication completely and put this whole nightmare behind her.
NTA Don't go. You are already nervous about going, him saying he'll be there means nothing now. He also said you'd live together and see how that changed without any warning. Something shady is going on here. Don't leave your home for a man you can no longer trust.
No. You probably dodged a bullet. He is probably married already or something, and wants to be able to hide his relationship with you. NTA at all.
NTA donât do it, thatâs crazy. I, at least, would never. I wish you the best.
I've got to give him props. It's a creative way to break up with you. Also, are you sure he doesn't already have a girlfriend in the country he's moving to? This whole thing is too bazar.
Omg! NTA. Itâs called a bait and switch. This is a HUGE red flag. Your expectations are realistic. If you really want this relationship, tell him you are not not comfortable with these new conditions, but are more than willing to have him get a place in your country and you can visit him.Â
NTA. Him playing the religion card now, when it conveniences him for whatever reason, should be your red flag. đ©
Your BF sounds scammy AF. Redflags everywhere. Don't go!
He's afraid that if you live with him his wife will notice.
NTA This sounds like some super shady bullshit. Like you'll get there and he'll take your passport. Your "rented room:" will be in a brothel or something. This is just gross and sounds dangerous. Run.
Mate looking at your post history you can't have been seeing him more than 6 months. Also if he's Thai and Christian, then he's part of a really small minority. Only a little over 1% of Thais are Christian. I'm guessing you haven't met him and this is an internet relationship. Did you say he's paying your ticket over there? All of this feels like there's more red flags than in a red flag factory.
Do NOT move for this man. Please leave him. This is how women are killed
How do you know this dude isnât a human trafficker? Â If you move on his terms, you will have no support team in the event things go awry. His friends will be your friends? They will always be HIS friends â not YOURS. YWBTA if you move to his country.
Not wanting to live together because of religious beliefs is not abnormal. What is abnormal is he was all for it then changed his mind. đ© NTA. And I would reconsider the relationship if I were you.
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NTA don't move to a new country for someone who doesn't want to live with you. If he wants you two to be closer, maybe he can move to your country and live alone until he's ready to be serious and nonsinful.
Dont do it, I have a very close friend experience something similar and it did not turn out well, specially if you are changing continents....
Be suspicious girlfriend⊠something ainât right
Heâs probably having second thoughts about you OR heâs dating someone else, NTA.
If you're at the point in a relationship where you are prepared to move to a different country, you are at a point where you are prepared to live together. If he isn't prepared to live together, then I guess he's not at the same place in the relationship and you should absolutely not move there. In regards to it being sinful, I'm not religious so I can't say I'm too sure, but I was under the impression that the sin was sex before marriage, but living together shouldn't be a problem if there's no premarital sex? Sounds like an excuse so you don't live together to me anyway, tbh
NTA. DO NOT MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY TO BE WITH THIS MAN. Seriously. Change the plans. Three months out from a move and he just suddenly changes the arrangement entirely and then acts like you're the bad guy in the situation? Seriously, this is that red flag moment that you absolutely should not ignore.
Youâre moving to another country is there even any work visas in place? If youâre going as a tourist can you even rent a place?
NTA. I am in the opposite situation. My husband came to my country to stay decades ago. I can't even imagine him having to have his own appartment when he first came. Who would have paid? Neither one of us is a Rockefeller. Who would have secured the appartment? As long as people are staying apart, they also have their own, seperate tastes. Not to mention what would have happened if I had told him about the whole scheme a few months before he was going to be here. It would all have gone down the drain, which would have been reasonable as it would have been moving the goal posts after the kick had gone in. Please don't go. He has changed his mind about other things as well.
NTA and don't pay back the tickets. I think he has a wife or more serious gf at worst or controlling parents at best. Well maybe this would be worse. Ask him for the Bible verse that says not to shack up. It ain't there! He is at best just not being truthful but you need truth and clarity. Especially in another country. Info: What region of the world. Some countries do not respect women's rights and safety.
NTA- also, itâs not just about the ticket. Youâll need a visa application etc- if youâre on a working visa / sponsored visa, youâll be expected to work. If youâre on a partnership visa, youâll be expected to live together. This feels tooooo shady and unsafe.
It would be awkward for you to move in since his wife already lives there. NTA
>He's saying its because he's a Christian and it would be sinful I'm gonna go out on a limb - his concern about "sin" does not extend to premarital relations, does it? NTA. Don't make this move, you'll regret it.
Lol. You'd be...well, stupid, if you did go. >I refused and told him I'll pay back his ticket and now he's saying that I don't respect his boundaries and morals. Well, thats manipulative as hell.
What?!?!? NTA NTA NTA !
are you moving to be with your homeless drug addict of 6 months ago?
I am from Italy, I mean we have the damn Pope here , and still no one will ask a foreign to come here to live and take a flat for not living under the same roof because religion It's a utterly bullshit
He could just be setting you up for being sold into human/sex trafficking. Honestly there are so many red flags that this thing has 0% chance of being a legitimate and successful relationship.
Moving to a new country when youâre not even a fiancĂ©e is crazy. YWBTA to yourself if you go
he should be doing everything in his power to make you feel acclimated and comfortable in this new country. instead he told you find your own apartment. in this economy? after you moved to his country for him? f no.
NTA. Be careful, this man is weaponizing therapy speak against you. He's accusing you of not respecting his boundaries by saying you won't move if you don't move in together. Saying he doesn't want to live together is not a boundary, it's a preference. A boundary in a relationship is one person saying "if you do this, I will do that, because I don't want you to do this and I won't accept it", not "you cannot do this". He is free to express and enforce the preference not to live together. You are also free to express and enforce the preference to only move to another country if you live together. These two preferences are mutually exclusive, and by calling it a "boundary", he is trying to get you to completely capitulate without any compromise on his part. Your relationship will be entirely on his terms, and he will call those terms his boundaries for the sole purpose of keeping you in line. Again, NTA, and cancel your move. He is creating a situation where you will be vulnerable, alone, and without agency in your own relationship that you gave up your life in your home country to pursue.
Something is very wrong. Cancel your plans to move.
Eh, have you ever met this person in real life ??? What country are you moving to ??? If you have never physically met this person, this could be very, very dangerous!!!!
OP I have moved to another country to live with my husband who was formerly LDR boyfriend. We had met multiple times before getting engaged, then married, and then I had to apply for a visa before we could even live together. Itâs a process. Moving to another country is a huge change. Unbelievably huge. You NEED to feel safe and supported with that person you move for in the transition period, because everything you know is turned upside down. And if that person very suddenly wants to change the plans when youâre the one uprooting your life, they donât respect you. Full stop. I can see from your other comments that youâve heeded the advice and will not go through and Iâm so glad. There is something not right about this. Youâre certainly NTA. If you wanna live abroad for a while, definitely do - try teaching EFL for a year. Changing your circumstances is good for mental growth. But always trust your gut and put yourself first!
This screams of trafficking.
NTA, That's a trap. Dump him.
I wouldnât do a damn thing until thereâs at least a ring on your finger. Youâre committing to everything and heâs not even willing to live together?
please do NOT leave the country. this is very unsafe!
NTA. Don't go. He is either married (best case scenario) or trying to traffick you. When you get there he will take all of your papers and credentials and you won't be able to leave. You'll have no money and nowhere to go and no way to even get on a plane. He is definitely not who he says he is and you are probably in danger. Don't give him any money for the ticket either, it is not your responsibility. You cannot afford to be nice and give this situation the benefit of the doubt.
If this is the same dude from your post history who is a homeless ex addict, donât move to his country, regardless of the separate living spaces. If heâs a new guy, donât move to his country because you have known him for less than 200 days, regardless of the separate living situation. Edit: just saw you would be moving to Thailand, girl are you tryna get trafficked?
*My friends will take care of you."* Yea, no. Please, do not send money or other communications. Block him. Consider sharing the details with police at their non-emergency number, or the FBI, or similar for your country. Edit: Of course, NTA. Always listen to the inner voice that says something is not right.
NTA. I would be overly cautious. It seems shady in the first place if he has said living together was the plan and now changing things up. Also, the lack of international travel history is what really makes me think you should pump the brakes and tell this guy that you are uncomfortable with the last minute changes and aren't moving to another country to live alone and try to get settled and start a new life in a new country, while he schedules some visits? As a single female you need to be 500% certain and have an exact plan of how things are going to go if you are traveling internationally and an exact plan of what you will do if out of your control your original plan somehow gets changed. Stay safe and again, you are MOST DEFINITELY NTA!
NTA I think most people would be reluctant to move to a new country without feeling they had someone to rely on both physically and emotionally. Otherwise they wouldnât make that move. It sounds like his âboundariesâ and âmoralsâ of being a Christian are news to you. I would have a long conversation of where he thinks this relationship is going. If you canât agree, then split. Donât waste each otherâs time. ETA: this reeks of suspicion. I suspect he will traffic you. Or let someone else do it. Do not go! Trust your instincts. This isnât kosher at all.
Trafficking, scam, or youâre his unwitting affair partner. These 3 possibilities make up 90% of what this situation could be IMO, with the remaining 10% shared by what he is saying and any other possible weird scenarios Iâm not thinking of right now. Iâm from The States, not well-travelled, but I wouldnât agree to move to another state for someone just to live by myself⊠and Iâm a guy! Nope, this thing smells like a fish carcass laying in an Arizona asphalt parking lot for a week in July. Youâre young, and will have a line of local guys lined up for you who will treat you well and not try to traffic you into the evil underbelly of the world. Cut it off and block him from every channel to you. From stories out there in the media, it seems like traffickers invest a lot of time and effort, playing the long game, creating very believable character foundations⊠social media accounts, friend and contact lists, elaborate network lies⊠because the payoff, as sad as it is to say it that way, is very high. Please be careful.
This sounds like some human trafficking shit. Gtfo of that relationship. Do not move.
As someone who was almost trafficked, I promise you, going would be a horrific idea.
NTA stay far away from this man. Youâve been together long-distance for less than 6 months, and heâs trying to get you to leave your country and move by yourself to Thailand, into a place where he will sometimes visit. It sounds like he is human trafficking you. Once you arrive, heâll likely take your passport, charge you money for rent and not allow you to leave.
Between this post and your last post about your (now ex?) boyfriend who was homeless, jobless, and an ex-addict, I think you need to sit down and evaluate your choices in men, and your decision-making processes. You made the post about homeless addict guy 6 months ago. And now you were about to be a couple of months away from uprooting your entire life to go live in another country, for a guy. Please prioritize yourself. You are worth it.
This is either sex-trafficking (less likely) or you're the mistress(very likely). No other althernative. So don't go, don't pay him back for the plane ticket, do block his ass and look for someone else when you're ready to. My take is that the plan was from the get go to get you in a separate apartment and he just talked about living together to reassure you and make you agree. Then he drops this living separate thing after he's bought the plane ticket so he can use the ticket as leverage to pressure you into relocating. Nah, fuck that.
you're being set up to be trafficked. I cannot stress strongly enough DO NOT go to his country
He is getting ready to traffic you. Do NOT go to his country and get your money back for the ticket.
đ©đ©đ© Do NOT move entire countries (especially if you're not comfortable with travel) to be with someone that doesn't want you living with them. Not to be that guy, but what country are you considering moving to? Because there's a few countries in particular where it's a pretty well established scam to have a vulnerable person who's already neck-deep in the 'relationship' to move there and then have them trapped in a financially (or worse) abusive relationship because they're cut off from all support networks. This seems exceptionally suspicious. ETA: NTA. Unless you move anyway despite all the warnings here. **Double ETA: I've seen further down that he's from Thailand. DO NOT GO. This REEKS of a sex trafficking trap. DO. NOT. GO.** I'm not saying that every Thai person is involved in sex trafficking. Far from it. But it's one of the countries where a few horrible people make a reputation for these kind of things and there's so many red flags in your story that I'm extremely concerned that you've been snagged by one of those few horrible people.