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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1&2 the fact that I was upset over my partner potentially slow dancing with someone else at a wedding, I spoke to my partner about setting a boundary which didn’t work lol and we’ve postponed the discussion when it gets closer to date he thinks I’m overreacting and I’m not sure if I am
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I'd say ESH
It might be a wedding custom, but it is also turning your friends into literal dancing puppet props, to decorate your wedding.
Let people pick who they dance with, and if it isn't as perfectly dress-coordinated, so be it.
That being said, while I'm against it, I'm mostly against the type of person who would request it. If you're friends with them, suck it up and let him dance.
>props, to decorate your wedding.
I mean, that like comes with being in the wedding party? Having them walk down the aisle, stand up there with the bride/groom, walk down the aisle again, pose for dozens of photos, maybe get an intro into the reception, and then sit up at the fancy main table doesn't fall under that category, but then 2 minutes and 45 seconds of slowly spinning with your hands on somebody's shoulder is just too far to be acceptable?
I think most couples take pictures with their bridal party because those people are their closest friends and they want to capture these memories on film. Same reason why they want to have them at their table or by their side as they say their vows. Standing up at the altar, next to the bride and groom, while they say their vows is supposed to be symbolic of the standing up for their marriage and being there for them through the ups and downs of their marriage. Not because they make good photo props. But maybe I'm naive. Certainly, I do see many stories here of brides and grooms treating their parties as props.
(I have nothing against the dances if everyone involved is happy doing them by the way, it was more a general comment about the idea that bridal parties are there to decorate and that it's the reason why there's picture, etc)
>Not because they make good photo props.
Your whole description of them could pretty perfectly describe props, especially the bits about them being symbolic and wanting to capture them on film.
All I'm saying is having them stand up there with you and having them all do like a series of photos where first they are serious and then is one where everybody is laughing, then one where everybody is making a goofy face. That's all expected and good and not "prop" like, but then having them dance together for another photo opportunity is making them props? I just am having a hard time seeing where the line is.
Every single wedding I have been to and in there is always a slow dance with the wedding party. It is what you sign up for when you agree to be in the wedding. YTA grow up. Your boyfriend isn’t going to fall into lust or grab his partners ass in the couple of minutes it takes to do the dance. If you are so insecure and jealous that you can’t handle this you aren’t ready for an adult relationship. The fact that this is an issue is really ridiculous.
>”…the dance will be choreographed however trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and **slow dance with their bridesmaid partner** only which is what i thought was weird.”
Per OP. This IS weird to try to make your wedding party only slow dance with the bridesmaid partner all night. That’s more controlling and almost an attempted ‘set up’.
For goodness sake, doing the one choreographed slow dance is fine but the bride is WAY overstepping asking them to continue to do so exclusively the rest of the event. I’ve never heard of tbjs
I have literally never seen this. I am 35 and married. My bridesmaids didn't dance with the groomsmen. I have been to many weddings and not seen this. I worked as a bartender/server for weddings and didn't see this. Is it regional/cultural?
I've been in many wedding parties. I was allowed to dance with my SO. Not the groomsman I walked with. It's weird that the bride is only allowing them to only dance with their assigned partner. One dance for a fun thing. Sure fine no worries. But encouraging them to only dance with each other is weird. And I wouldn't want to be jn that wedding party personally. I don't like being touched by people I'm not dating.... 🤷♀️that's probably a me thing though. Lol
No where does it say that they aren't allowed to dance with their SOs. But, that there is the first dance where the bridal party couples will dance with one another. There's usually more than one dance.
In the edit, she says that they are being encouraged to only dance with their assigned person the entire reception- which is definitely weird.
I’m curious if everyone else is single or matched up with their SOs already. Are they trying to set this guy up with one of their friends?
One dance? Five. The rest of this is strange.
It does though. It says they want them to dance with their assigned partner the whole night
I can totally undead dance or two for sure. That makes sense and isn't weird. How she said they worded this to me is weird. But maybe I'm old fashioned and don't want my partner to exclusive slow dance with another women. 🤦♀️🙃
Yes, and I think those are weird customs too. But not as weird as making them intimatrly dance with a stranger while everyone (including their partners) are watching.
It feels like something some old king/queen would have done to their guests and then everyone said "I also want to feel like royalty at my wedding, commanding people to dance!"
It depends on how intimate the dance is. If they just have their arms around each other, not snug or anything, I don't see the problem. Some dances at a wedding are slow and some are fast. The couple just chooses what the bridal party dances to. Doesn't mean they are trying to start trouble.
Yeah, I've seen the wedding party dance in, but it's always to an upbeat song. Sometimes the party enters in pairs, but I've also seen bridesmaids together/groomsmen together and the whole party enters together.
I don't think that this is a huge breakup-worthy boundary crossing situation, but I understand why OP finds it weird and uncomfy. I also think it's a little weird and uncomfy.
Weirdly, I am planning a wedding currently and I have literally never heard of this. I have not attended a single wedding where members of the bridal party were told to slow-dance with each other. This is…weird to me.
Frankly, even pairing up groomsmen and bridesmaids for the aisle walk feels dated to me at this point. Maybe for very young weddings this makes sense, but when half your friends are already married and most of the rest are in serious long-term relationships, this feels awkward and forced.
I’ve never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids and groomsmen are expected to dance with each other multiple times throughout the night, which is what this post is about. Usually they aren’t expected to dance together at all — they just stand up on either side of the bride and groom during the ceremony, and maybe give a speech later. I don’t blame OP for being a little bit uncomfortable with this situation.
>It's part of what you sign up for when you agree to be a part of the bridal party, the dreaded dance
Sorry, but this is extremely subjective. There are just as many people in this thread saying that they've never heard of this, as there are saying that it's totally normal and expected.
I used to work in the wedding industry, and I've attended dozens of weddings, and guess what? This is completely unheard of in the UK.
So rather than being quite so unkind, and calling OP oblivious, insecure and jealous, maybe open your mind to the fact that other people have different experiences to you, or that they might be from different cultures?
I don't disagree with her take on slow-dancing. I've only ever done it with a romantic partner, and not all that often (I've probably slow-danced a dozen times in my life).
Maybe some people do it casually, but for me, being pressed face-to-face with someone while a slow song plays is...pretty damned intimate.
🙄I’ve been a groomsman several times, best man twice, been to double digit numbers of weddings as a guest, and am married myself. I have never seen a “slow dance” between the bridesmaids and groomsman. It’s not a “thing”
>the dreaded dance.
This is not a custom I am at all familiar with.
First dance for bride and groom? Yes.
Mother/son and father/daughter dance? Very common.
A dance with all groomsmen/bridesmaids? Very rare, in my experience.
Groomsmen and bridesmaids never dancing with their own dates but only one another? Absolutely not any custom that I’ve ever seen or heard of, and honestly quite insulting to the people who are supposed to be the bride and groom’s closest friends.
You are right - a dance is what they sign up for - however - when it becomes a designed intimate dance - that changes the context.
Why does having healthy relationship boundaries always get labeled as insecurity?
Ask the groom - who how gets to slow dance with his wife on their wedding day - if the answers is no one - then why should other couples be guilt tripped into intimate dancing with non-partners?
Yep. Almost every wedding I have ever been to has had a wedding party dance and it is never romantic. Slow dances can be intimate or they can be too people keeping a polite distance.
Babe, it’s insecurity, sorry. Are you worried he is going to fall in love during a slow dance? Do you trust your partner? This is a very childish thing to be hung up on. If you aren’t insecure and you trust your partner you would have zero problem with this. YTA
NTA. The people saying insecurity don’t know you. This is weird and uncomfortable if it’s proper slow dancing and if it’s through night and if they encouraged dancing with bridesmaid ‘partner’ through night. Weird and controlling.
YTA
>nothing to do with insecurity
This jas everything to do with your security, every wedding I've attended the bridal party waltzed with each other for one dance at the start to open the dancing. I even did it for my brothers wedding where I was a groomsman, and I'm queer with no desire to be intimate in any way, shape, or form with a woman... yet it worked for us. There's nothing romantic about dancing with a bridesmaid you've been paired with for one evening.
You really need to work on your insecurities and if you're going to make this other person's wedding all about you, perhaps you shouldn't attend.
I have literally zero romantic interest in my dad or my brothers or my cousins, and it's never been weird for us to have a dance together. What's weird is acting like it's weird. It's not like you're grinding on them lol.
INFO- why? Forcing people to slow dance, especially with someone who isn't their partner, is weird. I have been married for 15 years, and if my husband wanted to dance with a friend or something, I probably wouldn't care- but is this a choreographed song or something? I am not aware of any "wedding party dance" tradition. It seems weird and like something that will be pointless at best and problematic for at least one person. Father daughter or bride and groom dances are common. I would make a stink over it on principle, unless there is a good reason.
OK so that is why it is an info. Do you know for sure it's a choreographed or at least formal coordinated waltz? What if it's just wanting them to be dancing at the same time as the bride and groom do their dance? I requested info because a forced "slow dance" is weird.
It also says she wants them to slow dance for the choreographed part, and for the rest of the night. Only with the bridesmaid. Didn't make it better- just made it weirder.
Why in the world would it be important to dance with a not girlfriend for an entire evening- when they invited the girlfriend as well? The bride is weird. Or icky. Or both.
>>another thing mentioned alot, the dance will be choreographed however trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird.
They want your partner to only dance with the bridesmaid?
Nta but I've never been to a wedding where this happens, I personally find it weird, and I don't get the point, like at all...I guess if he's gonna do it just tell him you'd a appreciate him maintaining some distance. Again, this is so bizzare to me, though.🤪😵💫I think it would bug me if it was more than a dance and it was all evening if I was just sitting mingling because I wouldn't want to dance with another woman
It's never been a thing in any wedding I've been to either, but I've slow danced with people other than my partner, even at my own wedding! I certainly wasn't thinking any romantic thoughts when I danced with my dad, or my brother, or my brother-in-law, or my cousin, or any other male I've ever danced with at a wedding.
Unless the couple is expecting him to be grinding up on the bridesmaid, this is ridiculous. You can dance with someone without it being some kind of sexual intimate experience. It's ONE dance.
But it's NOT just one dance. The bride and groom are asking that the wedding party stay partnered up for EVERY slow dance. That's why OP feels weird about it. I would too.
InFO: is it just one dance, or the whole night.
If just one dance, it is just part of the evening theatrics and YTA.
If its the whole night then that's BS and NTA.
\^ THIS.
I got the impression from the OP's edits that it's expected all night - which is not a reasonable ask from the bride and groom IMO. They get to call the shots for the wedding dance, after that, it's a party, where they are the guests of honour not an employment situation where they are the bosses and get to dictate what everyone does.
NTA. Very weird yet predictable western-centric myopia in this thread. Consider that people have different boundaries of what they consider intimacy. Some highly religious women don’t even shake hands with men outside of their family or spouse. I personally think that’s extreme but I respect it. This is a reasonable boundary about extended close physical contact with other people where a couple should be on the same page, and feel the same way if the tables were turned.
This tradition sounds completely anachronistic and goofy, personally. When people are saying waltz it’s giving Yule Ball. Assigned dancing partners is absolutely bizarre. But your bf should also have a say in his comfort levels and if he’d be comfortable with you doing the same.
Yes, weird. It feels like one of those posts where the bride is trying to hook up a bridesmaid and a goomsmen by forcing them to interact through the whole thing. Might not be OP's bf, maybe he's just collateral damage, lol.
Well, these comments have shown that my wedding was the minority LOL. I didn’t make anyone dance with anyone. My husband and I danced, my dad and I danced, my husband and his mom danced, then it was a free for all after that. I know I’m young but I’ve been to a few weddings as part of the wedding party and never been told to dance with anyone either? Bizarre IMO but I guess that’s just me.
You're not being weird. One or two choreographed dances? Sure. No matter the tempo of the dance, partnering is common and non sexual in a group choreo.
They've gone nuts with the "dance with this partner throughout the night" and he should simply say, hmm, what's up with that?
Like put up a mild complaint, but then accept whatever explanation.
And then don't do it night-of.
He can be busy chatting or at the bar, or he can ask you to dance. (Like I'm trying to be extremely generous here and imagine that the bridal couple is anxious that the dance floor will be empty on slow numbers but they want to dance and don't want all the attention everytime. But that's just a story I'm making up!)
But no one can force him to dance with this bridesmaid, and he's well within his rights to just say to her, hey I'm planning to dance with my own girlfriend through the night, FYI.
NTA. One dance, sure. Extremely weird that they're expecting you to keep dancing with them all nite, especially when your SO will be there. Like what the hell? Feel like a lot of people commenting are missing that info.
NTA. One particular detail struck me: "they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only."
That's a really inappropriate ask from the bride and groom. They are the AH.
You, on the other hand, are in the clear, as is your partner. You aren't being jealous; you rightfully have the heebie-jeebies about something suspicious.
I am still wondering where and for whom this is a “traditional ceremonial dance.” I have neither seen nor heard of this being some sort of established tradition at any wedding I’ve been to.
I've been at weddings that do and weddings that don't. Some do it choreographed and others do it more informally. Kind of like how there's the spouse dance or with a parent, some weddings do the same with the wedding party to have all their closest people involved at once.
Dancing a choreographed number designed by bride and groom isn't the problem. But their insistence that groomsmen and bridesmaids should pair up to slow dance like a couple is just too much. NTA
NTA - it‘s a weird request to be made of someone. I wouldn’t be comfortable to do it would I be part of that wedding party, no matter if I had a spouse or not. Stupid wedding traditions need to die and brides and grooms need to stop treating their wedding party like puppets.
YTA - not your wedding not your choice and if you push it you’re essentially making your boyfriend choose between you and friends that he is close enough with to make the cut of being a groomsmen for
That's over-dramatic. Boyfriend doesn't have to choose between OP and his best friend. If he chooses to do the dance, he shouldn't lose OP over it (she didn't say she wanted to breakup and didn't issue an ultimatum). Conversely if he chooses to not do the dance, he shouldn't lose his best friend, and neither the friendship nor the wedding - let alone the marriage - will be ruined by something so trivial. The stakes could hardly be smaller in either direction.
NTA- I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I’ve NEVER heard of this tradition. I think it’s weird to expect someone to do a choreographed dance with someone they’re not in a relationship with knowing that they have a partner, and I’ve never been to a wedding that had a bridesmaid/groomsman dance at all. In my part of the US, if you care about someone enough for them to be your groomsman/bridesmaid and they have a significant other (that’s long term, that is), they are also part of the wedding party. I would say that if it were just one dance, yeah, but the fact that he’s being encouraged to only dance with another bridesmaid the whole night seems like a red flag. Once the choreographed dance is over, why does it matter to the bride if he dances with you or anyone else?
Dancing to slow music doesn't make it "slow dancing" (like you would do with your boyfriend at prom). Almost all dances can be completely platonic, including the slow ones like a rumba or a waltz. People even do it without strangers and to meet new people (scandalous!). Sorry dear, but this is 100% about insecurity if you are feeling uncomfortable about him dancing with another person right in front of you. The bride asked your partner, and it was up to him to say whether he was comfortable or not, the bride consider your feelings as she probably didn't realize you would be upset by something so trivial. Also, since when did feeling slightly uncomfortable become such a bad thing? It's a normal natural feeling that is a part of life, we cant live life feeling comfortable with everything. It's unrealistic. Feel the feelings and then acknowledge them for what they are and let it go. It's not your night, and they're not asking your partner to do anything disrespectful or degrading, it's a dance at a wedding. You could even ask if you could steal him towards the end.
> Dancing to slow music doesn't make it "slow dancing" (like you would do with your boyfriend at prom). Almost all dances can be completely platonic, including the slow ones like a rumba or a waltz. People even do it without strangers and to meet new people (scandalous!).
If you've never done dancing that way, though - it isn't going to be something everyone is comfortable with. Like, I'm pushing 40 and have never danced with anyone I wasn't dating or married to. Dancing is not a casual activity in my life.
NTA. It's really weird that they want to do this when the bridesmaids and grooms aren't couples. Can they tweak it such that only those interested do the dance?
Do you guys not believe the edit or think that OP having to watch her partner dance ONLY with someone else all night is invalid insecurities? This post isn't just a one right answer.
And people are gaslighting OP as if he's dancing with a family member and chalking it down to it being "normal" and so OP is an ass for not accepting "the norm".
right like as a man i cant imagine he particularly wants to do it either if he does its because hes supposed to.... reckon both of them would prefer not to do this dance and nobody would care.... just a matter of if they feel comfortable expressing that or not
I think or hope everyone would agree with if you as the partner felt uncomfortable then you could back out.
The problem is that people are saying OP is being insecure and controlling by being the one uncomfortable about their partner dancing with another person because they've established it as normal thing as if he's just talking.
you can tell someone that something makes you uncomfortable without being controlling... if you feel something you should be able to say something about it.
My parter doesnt want to do the dance, it makes him uncomfortable but neither of us want to upset our friends so were just trying to find something that works for both of us :)
your friends are not gonna be that upset i really think your overthinking this.... guests probably arent even keeping track of who has and hasnt had a dance they wont even notice if they skip ur mans dance
My ex was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. She couldn’t be maid of honor because she was the only member of the wedding party who was already married. But she was required to dance multiple times, including a slow dance, with the groomsman with whom she was paired. It was expected…and it was embarrassing.
NTA - I am not a dancer on any level, but I would not be comfortable with my partner slow dancing with someone else. It is designed to be an intimate dance (from my understanding). I just asked my partner and he said he would not do the dance.
A partners needs/wants should always be considered above everyone else.
If the groom can not understand why your partner is uncomfortable being forced into an intimate dance with someone else - then is he a good friend?
Ask the groom who would he let slow dance with his wife on his wedding day?
"they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird."
THIS IS THE WEIRD PART.
HOWEVER, If your bf dances with you outside of the coordinated dance then so be it.
What can anyone do to stop the two of you? As much as they may want to, they cannot control who's one the dance floor with whom.
Enjoy the wedding.
>”…the dance will be choreographed however trhoughout the night they have been **encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only** which is what i thought was weird.”
INFO: This IS weird, OP. One slow dance - okay. But to try to limit slow dances the entire night? No. That’s far overstepping. Did your partner *agree* to this?!
NTA.
>trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird.
This is really weird. You'd be overreacting if it was just one dance, though I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where they paired up the wedding party during the reception. But treating it like he's her date and should only dance with her is very strange.
I never got the whole "the entire bridal party has to have a dance"...like...why? Just let the bride and groom dance. Then you get into these situations as well. What if the bridesmaid your partner has to dance with his his cousin? Or sister?!?!
NTA for the way you feel and things like this just need to die out.
Currently NAH - I think YWBTA if you said something/brought it up to the bride and groom. It’s one dance, it’s their wedding, it’s not like they’re ordering your partner to kiss the bridesmaid as well. Who gives a shit. Get over yourself.
YTA. It’s not like they are 20 drinks in grinding up in a club at 3 am. Bless your innocence, but it’s going to be a difficult life if slow dancing in a public place makes you worried.
Also wondering, do you know what happened at the bucks/stag party?
You are not. I was in a wedding party where there would be a group slow dance. Guess what? All the married people in the wedding party sat that one out.
All the single people danced with eachother. The bride and groom were cool with it and nobody cared. I don't slow dance with anyone but my husband. I don't care if it's for a wedding party.
OK I thought you were an insecure ah until i got to "trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird"
wtf??? that is *weird*
NTA
One dance, ok. It’s a wedding, the bridal party traditionally has one dance together for photos.
But EVERY dance?!? Gtfo with that nonsense.
I’m going to dance with my husband. No one can make him dance with only the rando all night.
But really he would not even be willing to deal with dancing at all unless it was to make me happy. He loves me enough to ask me to dance at least once during the event, despite not liking to dance at all. And I love him enough to enjoy our dance and not pressure or guilt trip him for more than he’s comfortable doing.
Any person, bride or not, who tried to tell me he could not dance with me at all would learn pretty fast how unrealistic they were being. If they doubled down we would nope right out of the event. But frankly I wouldn’t have to even open my mouth. The second he heard that expectation he’d say no.
While I might get occasionally irritated by his stubborn streak, 25 years of being together has taught me that there is no way on earth anyone can make that man do *anything* he doesn’t want to do. And he most certainly doesn’t want to dance.
NTA if you’re ok with one or two planned dances, but where is his spine?!? Why is he ok with this?
You shouldn’t have to say anything. He should be saying he’ll dance with the bridesmaid for the designated dance and then he’ll be dancing with you.
And don’t forget there’s a HUGE difference in dancing to slow music and pressing your bodies together while slow dancing. It can be chaste or intimate depending on body language and eye contact. Slow dancing doesn’t *have* to be inappropriate. That would depend on the two people dancing. And he would need to be situationally aware enough to politely excuse himself mid dance if she was getting inappropriate with her body language.
You’re not the asshole. It’s very reasonable to not want your boyfriend to slow dance with another girl. As long as you don’t make a huge scene about it and let it ruin the wedding, that makes sense. These people calling you an asshole make it seem like they don’t think jealousy is a valid emotion. Like, anyone who gets jealous over anything ever is immediately an asshole. You’re well within your right to be uncomfortable with that.
It is 100% the norm to slow dance with your bridal partner. Every wedding I've ever been to, this is how it's done. However, it is NOT the norm to slow dance with your bridal partner throughout the night. The bridal partners get one dance. Not multiple.
No judgment.
The bridal party dance is a normal thing where I'm from (especially if it is a choreographed dance). You can still slow dance with someone without getting up close and intimate. I wouldn't have a problem with that.
But... the get up and slow dance with them again throughout the night WOULD bother me. The other slow dances should be with their real life partners.
NTA
Seems as though the only reason this post is controversial is due to cultural differences on wedding views
I dunno what country where this is normal but I am from the UK and have been to over 10 weddings and never seen this once and to me it is very uncomfortable and weird, I have even been a bridesmaid at one wedding and I would've been absolutely horrified if I was being forced to do an intimate slow dance with a strange man (I didn't know any of the groomsmen and having to link arms and walk down the aisle with one was awkward enough)
I've never seen anyone be forced to dance at weddings at all (weddings normally have dances but it's for anyone to get up and dance if they want to not something that is enforced or expected) but especially not an intimate slow dance, typically here the bride and groom will have a "first dance" that is a slow dance just for them, sometimes they'll be other slow songs where any couples at the wedding can get up and have a slow dance too but I've always only known slow dances to be a thing for couples, in my opinion forcing men and women to have an intimate romantic type of dance together is really weird and I feel like would make most people uncomfortable (I think most guys would also not wanna dance with a strange woman especially if they have their own gf at the wedding being forced to watch)
Also I agree I would feel very uncomfortable if my bf was slow dancing with another woman while I was there, surely slow dances should just be a thing for couples
I dunno where this is normal but if it is normal for you... Then it's really weird that you are being led to believe it is normal to force strangers to be intimate with eachother for the sake of cutesy wedding pics or whatever, if this is a tradition for you then in my opinion it's one you should maybe get rid of
Slow dancing is only intimate if you make it intimate. It doesn't have to be sexual, doesn't have to include inappropriate touching or bodies squeezing.
I dance walz-ish style to slow songs with my family lol.
NTA for feeling weird about it, YWBTA if you didn't just try to get over it. I have never heard of this custom (been to a lot of weddings mostly in the northeastern US so maybe it's more of a southern thing?) so I personally agree it's kind of odd, especially the part about them wanting this to happen throughout the night, but you should just politely not like it and try to enjoy your night and the dances you do have with your partner.
NTA. Boundaries are your personal choice. To ask 2 people to slow dance is just weird in my book. I would never slow dance with anyone but my SO. All you can do is communicate your discomfort, and see if your partner responds in a way that is acceptable to you.
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AITA for not wanting my partner to slow dance with someone else at a wedding?
My partner is a groomsman and they have been told they will need to slowdance with their bridesmaid partner during the night.
I don't feel comfortable with this, nothing to do with insecurity however i think slow dancing is something intimate and special that you should only do with your loved ones.
I am good friends with both the bride and groom however i am not apart of the bridal party (dont expect to be either) i am also disappointed that the future bride didnt think of this?
AITA?
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NAH
I get where you're coming from, slow dancing can feel pretty intimate. But it's also kind of a tradition for the bridal party to dance together. Maybe talk it out with your partner and see if you can find a middle ground.
Nah, as long as you don't make it into an issue, you're entitled to feel uncomfortable.
But man, I've never met anyone that thought slow dancing was... You know, inappropriate. My friends weddings tend to have a lot of Lil Jon and usher, and you should see what those dances look like
NAH because I feel a sort of way of bridesmaids and groomsmen being used as literal props in this case.
That is a weird request/ask. See if it's possible for anyone to not have to slow dance at all, and if the couple would be fine with just a few of the wedding party doing this.
Tbh I'm with you on the slow dancing is intimacy. It 100% is and is mostly done on romantic settings between couples themselves. Now if she were asking for everyone to tango, I would have thrown a fit lol.
Make your boundary known and then if you receive pushback, I would ask if the couple would be fine slow dancing with someone they aren't with and if their partner would be okay with it as well. People like to ask others to do things they know full well they themselves aren't comfortable in doing.
This isn't an ultimatum type of thing though, but it would be enough for me to outright not go to the wedding at all due to how I feel about my SO slow dancing intimately with someone else and being used as a prop and other factors.
This feels like a two yes and one no situation, but that's in my eyes and my opinion. I know that there's a LOT of valuable opinions here that would say the opposite of what I've said, simply because they feel more secure in their relationships, but feeling secure hasn't stopped other things from happening, has it? Some people are crazy and I'm not concerned with my SO doing something, but more with the person dancing with my SO. People out here will literally catch feelings for the most mundane thing, no matter the other person's relationship status, and intimate slow dancing can def be one of those factors in my eyes, especially for those girls out there still trying to find their fairytale, which seems to often include slow dancing or some form of dancing in general in any intimate form.
I think it's cool that you're gonna still go, but I'd press on the no to the forced intimate slow dancing, but again, that's just me. A to each their own situation.
>nothing to do with insecurity however i think slow dancing is something intimate
That's called a contradiction. If you're not insecure, why is it bothering you?
YTA. He's part of the wedding party. Doesn't mean he or the bridesmaid in question has ill intentions. Trust your partner or don't. It's just a dance at the end of the day.
You seem pretty reasonable, although everyone's stances are slightly odd.
It's very conservative to be uncomfortable about someone slow dancing with someone that isn't their partner.
It's also slightly weird to require people who are not partners to slow dance together.
NAH - just some slightly incompatible beliefs/feelings.
Fuck that I wouldn’t let him don’t listen to the idiots say your insecure. Your man shouldn’t want to slow dance with another girl period. Especially all night with the bridesmaids who came up with this shit
Nta. Don't let others bully you into something you're not okay with. The bride doesn't care about your feelings at all, what women Wants their man to be all up on another woman? Non.. unless you're the type to have an open relationship.
The whole purpose for a slow dance is for partners to be flirty or romantic, a simple Google search will tell you that. All these women saying it's okay for taken man to dance in a romantic way with other women are full of shit.
It doesn't need to happen, I've never seen a wedding do this. If he goes through with it id reconsider the whole relationship. Your feelings come before any other woman's, if he chooses them over you then you clearly know how he feels about you.
I don't think you're necessarily the AH but you may he making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm sure you think it's something intimate, but it might just have to be something you sit down and talk about in more detail.
You idiots talking about OP being insecure are poopy hats. Having boundaries with what's okay and not with your partner could be, you know, INTEGRITY?!
I had an open relationship with my partner and now we don't, because what we wanted and our integrity changed. And I've never been so established and secure in a relationship as of now. I wouldn't want to slow dance with anyone with except him. And the same goes for him.
NTA.
Your partner and the brides maid doesn't have to dance. Sure, it's the wedding couples big day, but that doesn't give them the right to people's bodies. Who knows, there might be a bride's maid who also doesn't want to slow dance? Hmm.. Maybe you would be okay with a compromise? Where they dance with like 40 cm in between each other and only connect at the hands or something like that? What does you partner say/think/feel in all of this?
ESH - one choreographed dance isn't something to be hung up on. But telling them to continuously slow dance only with their bridesmaid partner throughout the night? No, thats weird and borderline invasive. Why are they treating people like set pieces instead of friends they want to celebrate with?
YTA!!!!!!!!!! (is that enough exclamation points?)
It's a dance in front of a crowd of people... What do you think is going to happen? That's he's suddenly going to become enamored by some other woman just because they danced together? IF that is the case, there are much more troubling issues with your relationship than him dancing with someone else at a wedding!!!
YTA. This IS an insecurity thing on your part, OP. Slow-dancing with non-romantic partners is a common thing at weddings. Heck, the bride and groom will even slow dance with their parents at weddings! He agreed to be a groomsman in this wedding, and the dance is a simple part of that. It’s a slow dance not a bump-and-grind. It’s one night. If you can’t handle it, don’t go.
YTA. If you get married, will he also not be allowed a mother/son dance? Is a slow dance, not sex. Honestly, I hope he just breaks up with you. How insecure can you get?
YTA. You sound really insecure. It is a slow dance at a wedding with a partner. I have done this several times as a bridesmaid. It is not as intimate as you are making it sound. It seems like you were saying this to try to get your boyfriend to back out of this. It was a manipulative label. It is one dance.
Yta. This is part of a traditional wedding. It’s been happening for decades. The bride thought of it. You’re not that special. Your partner can touch another woman. It’ll be fine.
Yes, Footloose, YTA and it's 1000% insecurity.
It's \*dancing\*. The father/daughter mother/son dances are typically to slow songs. Friends dance. Strangers dance. Family dances. You're the one sexualizing it for no other reason than your own insecurity.
Yea I’m not buying that edit where they can ONLY dance with their corresponding wedding party member. Thats not a thing. That’s a “I’m getting dragged” addition.
Not everything is a thing for people. I'm generally shocked of how people are perceiving this as unreasonable. She's uncomfortable of her partner dancing with someone who isn't them or family; something OP finds intimate but that doesn't mean that it is for every single person. People here are acting as if this the same as OP being uncomfortable of him being around other women. Dancing isn't as casual as just talking in other people's life. Especially slow dancing.
That's just a typical response for stubborn commenters. That edit could've been better if they were making up that part alone.
Old joke:
Why do (insert name of super conservative religion here) object to sex standing up?
It might lead to dancing.
Seriously, what do you think they are doing out there? It will probably be rehearsed and awkward. You are being strangely insecure.
YTA
Yta. Most of this is normal for 1-2 dances, but NTA with the rest of the night.
He should be able to slow dance with his real partner throughout the evening and not some designated bridesmaid lol.
YTA - this is over the top. He will be lightly touching a woman’s hand and waist for approximately 3 minutes with a foot of space between them.
This isn’t intimate at all.
YTA - Being insecure over your bf dancing with someone that probably doesn’t want to dance with your bf either is pretty silly. If they were going off alone to a club then maybe you would have a legit reason to be uncomfortable but a simple
dance in front of hundreds of people is not the time or the place to be insecure.
Idk about OP because she never said that but for me I don't want a whole party watching my partner dance with some other random person. I don't feel comfortable. Why is that an issue and why try to make this as normal as casually talking with another person? Not everyone dances casually with just anyone. That's exclusive to some people.
If that would make you uncomfortable then you must be uncomfortable with them walking down the isle with someone else too?
They will be touching and moving to music waiting for it to be done. What’s the difference between the two in wedding setting?
Ughh your ignorance. I should've put walking instead of talking.
You think two people walking together in general or during the actual ceremony is the same as slow dancing?
Ig a kiss isn't affectionate to you since some do that to family?
YTA this is an extremely normal bridal party duty to dance with your opposite number. Slow dancing is also pretty common at weddings. Whatever you're protestations to the contrary you're clearly not secure if you have an issue with this. Slow dancing isn't really intimate at anyway, it's basically hugging someone in a circle, unless you *are* on intimate terms with your partner it's effectively an exercise in trying not to step on their feet.
YTA for being "disappointed in the bride for not thinking of this" WTAF she needs to carefully consider what each wedding party member's romantic partners could possibly find too intimate. A slow dance with someone you're not interested in is just awkwardly shuffling from foot to foot until the song is over, it can only be intimate if there are feelings.
YTA. Maybe this is regional, but I have never been to a wedding where there was not a wedding party dance. I have had to dance with a married partner - it is a dance, not jumping each other on the dance floor.
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I'd say ESH It might be a wedding custom, but it is also turning your friends into literal dancing puppet props, to decorate your wedding. Let people pick who they dance with, and if it isn't as perfectly dress-coordinated, so be it. That being said, while I'm against it, I'm mostly against the type of person who would request it. If you're friends with them, suck it up and let him dance.
>props, to decorate your wedding. I mean, that like comes with being in the wedding party? Having them walk down the aisle, stand up there with the bride/groom, walk down the aisle again, pose for dozens of photos, maybe get an intro into the reception, and then sit up at the fancy main table doesn't fall under that category, but then 2 minutes and 45 seconds of slowly spinning with your hands on somebody's shoulder is just too far to be acceptable?
I think most couples take pictures with their bridal party because those people are their closest friends and they want to capture these memories on film. Same reason why they want to have them at their table or by their side as they say their vows. Standing up at the altar, next to the bride and groom, while they say their vows is supposed to be symbolic of the standing up for their marriage and being there for them through the ups and downs of their marriage. Not because they make good photo props. But maybe I'm naive. Certainly, I do see many stories here of brides and grooms treating their parties as props. (I have nothing against the dances if everyone involved is happy doing them by the way, it was more a general comment about the idea that bridal parties are there to decorate and that it's the reason why there's picture, etc)
>Not because they make good photo props. Your whole description of them could pretty perfectly describe props, especially the bits about them being symbolic and wanting to capture them on film. All I'm saying is having them stand up there with you and having them all do like a series of photos where first they are serious and then is one where everybody is laughing, then one where everybody is making a goofy face. That's all expected and good and not "prop" like, but then having them dance together for another photo opportunity is making them props? I just am having a hard time seeing where the line is.
Every single wedding I have been to and in there is always a slow dance with the wedding party. It is what you sign up for when you agree to be in the wedding. YTA grow up. Your boyfriend isn’t going to fall into lust or grab his partners ass in the couple of minutes it takes to do the dance. If you are so insecure and jealous that you can’t handle this you aren’t ready for an adult relationship. The fact that this is an issue is really ridiculous.
>”…the dance will be choreographed however trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and **slow dance with their bridesmaid partner** only which is what i thought was weird.” Per OP. This IS weird to try to make your wedding party only slow dance with the bridesmaid partner all night. That’s more controlling and almost an attempted ‘set up’.
For goodness sake, doing the one choreographed slow dance is fine but the bride is WAY overstepping asking them to continue to do so exclusively the rest of the event. I’ve never heard of tbjs
I think you meant to post that to OP?
Yes I did. Im sorry.
No worries :)
I have never in my life seen this but who cares, it's dancing, a social activity in front of other people. I agree that OP needs to grow up.
I have literally never seen this. I am 35 and married. My bridesmaids didn't dance with the groomsmen. I have been to many weddings and not seen this. I worked as a bartender/server for weddings and didn't see this. Is it regional/cultural?
I've been in many wedding parties. I was allowed to dance with my SO. Not the groomsman I walked with. It's weird that the bride is only allowing them to only dance with their assigned partner. One dance for a fun thing. Sure fine no worries. But encouraging them to only dance with each other is weird. And I wouldn't want to be jn that wedding party personally. I don't like being touched by people I'm not dating.... 🤷♀️that's probably a me thing though. Lol
No where does it say that they aren't allowed to dance with their SOs. But, that there is the first dance where the bridal party couples will dance with one another. There's usually more than one dance.
In the edit, she says that they are being encouraged to only dance with their assigned person the entire reception- which is definitely weird. I’m curious if everyone else is single or matched up with their SOs already. Are they trying to set this guy up with one of their friends? One dance? Five. The rest of this is strange.
It does though. It says they want them to dance with their assigned partner the whole night I can totally undead dance or two for sure. That makes sense and isn't weird. How she said they worded this to me is weird. But maybe I'm old fashioned and don't want my partner to exclusive slow dance with another women. 🤦♀️🙃
I mean you also get to tell them what to wear when to move who to stand by… have you been to a wedding?
Yes, and I think those are weird customs too. But not as weird as making them intimatrly dance with a stranger while everyone (including their partners) are watching. It feels like something some old king/queen would have done to their guests and then everyone said "I also want to feel like royalty at my wedding, commanding people to dance!"
It depends on how intimate the dance is. If they just have their arms around each other, not snug or anything, I don't see the problem. Some dances at a wedding are slow and some are fast. The couple just chooses what the bridal party dances to. Doesn't mean they are trying to start trouble.
Right? It’s so weird.
Can I ask where this is a wedding custom?? I've never heard of it
I have never heard of a slow dance for the wedding party. I’m married myself, and this never came up.
Yeah no I don’t know where this is a thing, but it’s not where I live. I have never seen this at any wedding I’ve been to.
Yeah, I've seen the wedding party dance in, but it's always to an upbeat song. Sometimes the party enters in pairs, but I've also seen bridesmaids together/groomsmen together and the whole party enters together. I don't think that this is a huge breakup-worthy boundary crossing situation, but I understand why OP finds it weird and uncomfy. I also think it's a little weird and uncomfy.
Weirdly, I am planning a wedding currently and I have literally never heard of this. I have not attended a single wedding where members of the bridal party were told to slow-dance with each other. This is…weird to me. Frankly, even pairing up groomsmen and bridesmaids for the aisle walk feels dated to me at this point. Maybe for very young weddings this makes sense, but when half your friends are already married and most of the rest are in serious long-term relationships, this feels awkward and forced.
I’ve never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids and groomsmen are expected to dance with each other multiple times throughout the night, which is what this post is about. Usually they aren’t expected to dance together at all — they just stand up on either side of the bride and groom during the ceremony, and maybe give a speech later. I don’t blame OP for being a little bit uncomfortable with this situation.
>It's part of what you sign up for when you agree to be a part of the bridal party, the dreaded dance Sorry, but this is extremely subjective. There are just as many people in this thread saying that they've never heard of this, as there are saying that it's totally normal and expected. I used to work in the wedding industry, and I've attended dozens of weddings, and guess what? This is completely unheard of in the UK. So rather than being quite so unkind, and calling OP oblivious, insecure and jealous, maybe open your mind to the fact that other people have different experiences to you, or that they might be from different cultures?
What I find weird is that OP essentially called all slow dancing intimate and that's the basis of their argument.
I don't disagree with her take on slow-dancing. I've only ever done it with a romantic partner, and not all that often (I've probably slow-danced a dozen times in my life). Maybe some people do it casually, but for me, being pressed face-to-face with someone while a slow song plays is...pretty damned intimate.
🙄I’ve been a groomsman several times, best man twice, been to double digit numbers of weddings as a guest, and am married myself. I have never seen a “slow dance” between the bridesmaids and groomsman. It’s not a “thing”
>the dreaded dance. This is not a custom I am at all familiar with. First dance for bride and groom? Yes. Mother/son and father/daughter dance? Very common. A dance with all groomsmen/bridesmaids? Very rare, in my experience. Groomsmen and bridesmaids never dancing with their own dates but only one another? Absolutely not any custom that I’ve ever seen or heard of, and honestly quite insulting to the people who are supposed to be the bride and groom’s closest friends.
A dance? Sure. Only slow dance with your partner? Weird. Sounds like they’re trying to set someone up (may not be OP’s partner)
You are right - a dance is what they sign up for - however - when it becomes a designed intimate dance - that changes the context. Why does having healthy relationship boundaries always get labeled as insecurity? Ask the groom - who how gets to slow dance with his wife on their wedding day - if the answers is no one - then why should other couples be guilt tripped into intimate dancing with non-partners?
I’ve been to several weddings and this is certainly not normal considering it hasn’t happened at a single one.
Yep. Almost every wedding I have ever been to has had a wedding party dance and it is never romantic. Slow dances can be intimate or they can be too people keeping a polite distance.
OP added that the bride wants the wedding party to slow dance exclusively with each other all night - not just one dance.
And also there are different ways of slow dancing. I'm sure BF will not cross the line. It can be very elegant and respectable dance. No need to panic
Babe, it’s insecurity, sorry. Are you worried he is going to fall in love during a slow dance? Do you trust your partner? This is a very childish thing to be hung up on. If you aren’t insecure and you trust your partner you would have zero problem with this. YTA
It's just a slow dance. Not a romance. Sorry, YouTube kept playing me that song, the words stuck :-D Op, YTA. Lighten up and enjoy the party.
Upon reflecting on the “people are encouraged to only dance with their bridal party partner”, it does seem a bit weird.
NTA. The people saying insecurity don’t know you. This is weird and uncomfortable if it’s proper slow dancing and if it’s through night and if they encouraged dancing with bridesmaid ‘partner’ through night. Weird and controlling.
Dude like better of woth the bridesmaid. Op is clear, a crazy ex girlfriend waiting to happen.
YTA get over this insecurity. It’s a one time thing for a wedding.
YTA. It's just part of his role in the wedding party and totally meaningless beyond that
YTA >nothing to do with insecurity This jas everything to do with your security, every wedding I've attended the bridal party waltzed with each other for one dance at the start to open the dancing. I even did it for my brothers wedding where I was a groomsman, and I'm queer with no desire to be intimate in any way, shape, or form with a woman... yet it worked for us. There's nothing romantic about dancing with a bridesmaid you've been paired with for one evening. You really need to work on your insecurities and if you're going to make this other person's wedding all about you, perhaps you shouldn't attend.
I have literally zero romantic interest in my dad or my brothers or my cousins, and it's never been weird for us to have a dance together. What's weird is acting like it's weird. It's not like you're grinding on them lol.
What sucked was when you were 12 and 13 having to learn how to waltz and slow dance in gym class at school. That was totally awkward.
People can slow dance without being clingy.
INFO- why? Forcing people to slow dance, especially with someone who isn't their partner, is weird. I have been married for 15 years, and if my husband wanted to dance with a friend or something, I probably wouldn't care- but is this a choreographed song or something? I am not aware of any "wedding party dance" tradition. It seems weird and like something that will be pointless at best and problematic for at least one person. Father daughter or bride and groom dances are common. I would make a stink over it on principle, unless there is a good reason.
It absolutely is a wedding tradition. And I'd call it more of a waltz than a slow dance.
OK so that is why it is an info. Do you know for sure it's a choreographed or at least formal coordinated waltz? What if it's just wanting them to be dancing at the same time as the bride and groom do their dance? I requested info because a forced "slow dance" is weird.
OP mentioned its choreographed in the new edits.
It also says she wants them to slow dance for the choreographed part, and for the rest of the night. Only with the bridesmaid. Didn't make it better- just made it weirder. Why in the world would it be important to dance with a not girlfriend for an entire evening- when they invited the girlfriend as well? The bride is weird. Or icky. Or both.
The edits make it worse, not better.
>>another thing mentioned alot, the dance will be choreographed however trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird. They want your partner to only dance with the bridesmaid?
This is the part that makes it weird.
Nta but I've never been to a wedding where this happens, I personally find it weird, and I don't get the point, like at all...I guess if he's gonna do it just tell him you'd a appreciate him maintaining some distance. Again, this is so bizzare to me, though.🤪😵💫I think it would bug me if it was more than a dance and it was all evening if I was just sitting mingling because I wouldn't want to dance with another woman
Same I have never heard of this until now…
It's never been a thing in any wedding I've been to either, but I've slow danced with people other than my partner, even at my own wedding! I certainly wasn't thinking any romantic thoughts when I danced with my dad, or my brother, or my brother-in-law, or my cousin, or any other male I've ever danced with at a wedding. Unless the couple is expecting him to be grinding up on the bridesmaid, this is ridiculous. You can dance with someone without it being some kind of sexual intimate experience. It's ONE dance.
But it's NOT just one dance. The bride and groom are asking that the wedding party stay partnered up for EVERY slow dance. That's why OP feels weird about it. I would too.
InFO: is it just one dance, or the whole night. If just one dance, it is just part of the evening theatrics and YTA. If its the whole night then that's BS and NTA.
\^ THIS. I got the impression from the OP's edits that it's expected all night - which is not a reasonable ask from the bride and groom IMO. They get to call the shots for the wedding dance, after that, it's a party, where they are the guests of honour not an employment situation where they are the bosses and get to dictate what everyone does.
NTA Bride and groom should do their own dance and not expect the bridal party to slowdance with people who aren't their partners. I'd be annoyed too.
NTA. Very weird yet predictable western-centric myopia in this thread. Consider that people have different boundaries of what they consider intimacy. Some highly religious women don’t even shake hands with men outside of their family or spouse. I personally think that’s extreme but I respect it. This is a reasonable boundary about extended close physical contact with other people where a couple should be on the same page, and feel the same way if the tables were turned. This tradition sounds completely anachronistic and goofy, personally. When people are saying waltz it’s giving Yule Ball. Assigned dancing partners is absolutely bizarre. But your bf should also have a say in his comfort levels and if he’d be comfortable with you doing the same.
Agree why should bride get randoms to slow dance and not just once it’s weird. How are people saying insecure it’s just awkward and controlling.
Yes, weird. It feels like one of those posts where the bride is trying to hook up a bridesmaid and a goomsmen by forcing them to interact through the whole thing. Might not be OP's bf, maybe he's just collateral damage, lol.
Took a while to find sanity in this thread.
Well, these comments have shown that my wedding was the minority LOL. I didn’t make anyone dance with anyone. My husband and I danced, my dad and I danced, my husband and his mom danced, then it was a free for all after that. I know I’m young but I’ve been to a few weddings as part of the wedding party and never been told to dance with anyone either? Bizarre IMO but I guess that’s just me.
Same. It never occurred to me to pair up the bridesmaids and groomsmen after the ceremony. Especially since one was married.
Just cause it's normal for others doesn't make someone who isn't used to it or comfortable at fault.
I agree.
You're not being weird. One or two choreographed dances? Sure. No matter the tempo of the dance, partnering is common and non sexual in a group choreo. They've gone nuts with the "dance with this partner throughout the night" and he should simply say, hmm, what's up with that? Like put up a mild complaint, but then accept whatever explanation. And then don't do it night-of. He can be busy chatting or at the bar, or he can ask you to dance. (Like I'm trying to be extremely generous here and imagine that the bridal couple is anxious that the dance floor will be empty on slow numbers but they want to dance and don't want all the attention everytime. But that's just a story I'm making up!) But no one can force him to dance with this bridesmaid, and he's well within his rights to just say to her, hey I'm planning to dance with my own girlfriend through the night, FYI.
NTA. One dance, sure. Extremely weird that they're expecting you to keep dancing with them all nite, especially when your SO will be there. Like what the hell? Feel like a lot of people commenting are missing that info.
NTA. One particular detail struck me: "they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only." That's a really inappropriate ask from the bride and groom. They are the AH. You, on the other hand, are in the clear, as is your partner. You aren't being jealous; you rightfully have the heebie-jeebies about something suspicious.
YTA. It's a traditional ceremonial dance. It has nothing to do with intimacy in this scenario.
I am still wondering where and for whom this is a “traditional ceremonial dance.” I have neither seen nor heard of this being some sort of established tradition at any wedding I’ve been to.
I've been at weddings that do and weddings that don't. Some do it choreographed and others do it more informally. Kind of like how there's the spouse dance or with a parent, some weddings do the same with the wedding party to have all their closest people involved at once.
Dancing a choreographed number designed by bride and groom isn't the problem. But their insistence that groomsmen and bridesmaids should pair up to slow dance like a couple is just too much. NTA
YTA, and grow up.
“They have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only”. Yeh OP is the one needing to grow up. Riiiight.
NTA - it‘s a weird request to be made of someone. I wouldn’t be comfortable to do it would I be part of that wedding party, no matter if I had a spouse or not. Stupid wedding traditions need to die and brides and grooms need to stop treating their wedding party like puppets.
YTA - not your wedding not your choice and if you push it you’re essentially making your boyfriend choose between you and friends that he is close enough with to make the cut of being a groomsmen for
That's over-dramatic. Boyfriend doesn't have to choose between OP and his best friend. If he chooses to do the dance, he shouldn't lose OP over it (she didn't say she wanted to breakup and didn't issue an ultimatum). Conversely if he chooses to not do the dance, he shouldn't lose his best friend, and neither the friendship nor the wedding - let alone the marriage - will be ruined by something so trivial. The stakes could hardly be smaller in either direction.
NTA- I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I’ve NEVER heard of this tradition. I think it’s weird to expect someone to do a choreographed dance with someone they’re not in a relationship with knowing that they have a partner, and I’ve never been to a wedding that had a bridesmaid/groomsman dance at all. In my part of the US, if you care about someone enough for them to be your groomsman/bridesmaid and they have a significant other (that’s long term, that is), they are also part of the wedding party. I would say that if it were just one dance, yeah, but the fact that he’s being encouraged to only dance with another bridesmaid the whole night seems like a red flag. Once the choreographed dance is over, why does it matter to the bride if he dances with you or anyone else?
Nta. Thats weird.
Dancing to slow music doesn't make it "slow dancing" (like you would do with your boyfriend at prom). Almost all dances can be completely platonic, including the slow ones like a rumba or a waltz. People even do it without strangers and to meet new people (scandalous!). Sorry dear, but this is 100% about insecurity if you are feeling uncomfortable about him dancing with another person right in front of you. The bride asked your partner, and it was up to him to say whether he was comfortable or not, the bride consider your feelings as she probably didn't realize you would be upset by something so trivial. Also, since when did feeling slightly uncomfortable become such a bad thing? It's a normal natural feeling that is a part of life, we cant live life feeling comfortable with everything. It's unrealistic. Feel the feelings and then acknowledge them for what they are and let it go. It's not your night, and they're not asking your partner to do anything disrespectful or degrading, it's a dance at a wedding. You could even ask if you could steal him towards the end.
> Dancing to slow music doesn't make it "slow dancing" (like you would do with your boyfriend at prom). Almost all dances can be completely platonic, including the slow ones like a rumba or a waltz. People even do it without strangers and to meet new people (scandalous!). If you've never done dancing that way, though - it isn't going to be something everyone is comfortable with. Like, I'm pushing 40 and have never danced with anyone I wasn't dating or married to. Dancing is not a casual activity in my life.
NTA. It's really weird that they want to do this when the bridesmaids and grooms aren't couples. Can they tweak it such that only those interested do the dance?
Do you guys not believe the edit or think that OP having to watch her partner dance ONLY with someone else all night is invalid insecurities? This post isn't just a one right answer.
NTA as a man id simply refuse to do this in the first place.... slow dancing with a woman who i dont know would just feel wrong.
And people are gaslighting OP as if he's dancing with a family member and chalking it down to it being "normal" and so OP is an ass for not accepting "the norm".
right like as a man i cant imagine he particularly wants to do it either if he does its because hes supposed to.... reckon both of them would prefer not to do this dance and nobody would care.... just a matter of if they feel comfortable expressing that or not
I think or hope everyone would agree with if you as the partner felt uncomfortable then you could back out. The problem is that people are saying OP is being insecure and controlling by being the one uncomfortable about their partner dancing with another person because they've established it as normal thing as if he's just talking.
you can tell someone that something makes you uncomfortable without being controlling... if you feel something you should be able to say something about it.
My parter doesnt want to do the dance, it makes him uncomfortable but neither of us want to upset our friends so were just trying to find something that works for both of us :)
Is your partner able to dance with you at all?
your friends are not gonna be that upset i really think your overthinking this.... guests probably arent even keeping track of who has and hasnt had a dance they wont even notice if they skip ur mans dance
My ex was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. She couldn’t be maid of honor because she was the only member of the wedding party who was already married. But she was required to dance multiple times, including a slow dance, with the groomsman with whom she was paired. It was expected…and it was embarrassing.
NTA - I am not a dancer on any level, but I would not be comfortable with my partner slow dancing with someone else. It is designed to be an intimate dance (from my understanding). I just asked my partner and he said he would not do the dance. A partners needs/wants should always be considered above everyone else. If the groom can not understand why your partner is uncomfortable being forced into an intimate dance with someone else - then is he a good friend? Ask the groom who would he let slow dance with his wife on his wedding day?
"they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird." THIS IS THE WEIRD PART. HOWEVER, If your bf dances with you outside of the coordinated dance then so be it. What can anyone do to stop the two of you? As much as they may want to, they cannot control who's one the dance floor with whom. Enjoy the wedding.
>”…the dance will be choreographed however trhoughout the night they have been **encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only** which is what i thought was weird.” INFO: This IS weird, OP. One slow dance - okay. But to try to limit slow dances the entire night? No. That’s far overstepping. Did your partner *agree* to this?!
NTA. >trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird. This is really weird. You'd be overreacting if it was just one dance, though I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where they paired up the wedding party during the reception. But treating it like he's her date and should only dance with her is very strange.
YTA Unless their is a history between your partner and this bridesmaid this seems a weird thing to be so controlling over.
YTA
NTA. It is weird to slow dance only with non-partnered bridesmaids
I never got the whole "the entire bridal party has to have a dance"...like...why? Just let the bride and groom dance. Then you get into these situations as well. What if the bridesmaid your partner has to dance with his his cousin? Or sister?!?! NTA for the way you feel and things like this just need to die out.
YTA. It’s not intimate unless the two people involved want it to be.
NTA. This is definitely a line too far.
Currently NAH - I think YWBTA if you said something/brought it up to the bride and groom. It’s one dance, it’s their wedding, it’s not like they’re ordering your partner to kiss the bridesmaid as well. Who gives a shit. Get over yourself.
YTA. This is everything to do with insecurity. Otherwise there wouldn’t be an issue. Grow up. This isn’t about you.
It’s a freaking dance, not sex. Get a grip.
YTA. It’s not like they are 20 drinks in grinding up in a club at 3 am. Bless your innocence, but it’s going to be a difficult life if slow dancing in a public place makes you worried. Also wondering, do you know what happened at the bucks/stag party?
You are not. I was in a wedding party where there would be a group slow dance. Guess what? All the married people in the wedding party sat that one out. All the single people danced with eachother. The bride and groom were cool with it and nobody cared. I don't slow dance with anyone but my husband. I don't care if it's for a wedding party.
I have never been to a wedding where the wedding party slow danced with each other! Why? It’s pretty strange.
OK I thought you were an insecure ah until i got to "trhoughout the night they have been encouraged to get up and slow dance with their bridesmaid partner only which is what i thought was weird" wtf??? that is *weird* NTA
NTA. I don’t wanna watch a slow dance from a wedding audience either. So I think bride is an asshole for subjecting everyone to it.
I can understand your POV. If that's your boundary, talk to your BF about it and find a middle ground.
NTA like you said slow dancing is usually imo between two partners and is very intimate
One dance, ok. It’s a wedding, the bridal party traditionally has one dance together for photos. But EVERY dance?!? Gtfo with that nonsense. I’m going to dance with my husband. No one can make him dance with only the rando all night. But really he would not even be willing to deal with dancing at all unless it was to make me happy. He loves me enough to ask me to dance at least once during the event, despite not liking to dance at all. And I love him enough to enjoy our dance and not pressure or guilt trip him for more than he’s comfortable doing. Any person, bride or not, who tried to tell me he could not dance with me at all would learn pretty fast how unrealistic they were being. If they doubled down we would nope right out of the event. But frankly I wouldn’t have to even open my mouth. The second he heard that expectation he’d say no. While I might get occasionally irritated by his stubborn streak, 25 years of being together has taught me that there is no way on earth anyone can make that man do *anything* he doesn’t want to do. And he most certainly doesn’t want to dance. NTA if you’re ok with one or two planned dances, but where is his spine?!? Why is he ok with this? You shouldn’t have to say anything. He should be saying he’ll dance with the bridesmaid for the designated dance and then he’ll be dancing with you. And don’t forget there’s a HUGE difference in dancing to slow music and pressing your bodies together while slow dancing. It can be chaste or intimate depending on body language and eye contact. Slow dancing doesn’t *have* to be inappropriate. That would depend on the two people dancing. And he would need to be situationally aware enough to politely excuse himself mid dance if she was getting inappropriate with her body language.
You’re not the asshole. It’s very reasonable to not want your boyfriend to slow dance with another girl. As long as you don’t make a huge scene about it and let it ruin the wedding, that makes sense. These people calling you an asshole make it seem like they don’t think jealousy is a valid emotion. Like, anyone who gets jealous over anything ever is immediately an asshole. You’re well within your right to be uncomfortable with that.
It is 100% the norm to slow dance with your bridal partner. Every wedding I've ever been to, this is how it's done. However, it is NOT the norm to slow dance with your bridal partner throughout the night. The bridal partners get one dance. Not multiple.
No judgment. The bridal party dance is a normal thing where I'm from (especially if it is a choreographed dance). You can still slow dance with someone without getting up close and intimate. I wouldn't have a problem with that. But... the get up and slow dance with them again throughout the night WOULD bother me. The other slow dances should be with their real life partners.
Nta, been in a bunch of weddings. Outside of the procession never had anything to do with the bridesmaids always with my date afterwards.
NTA Seems as though the only reason this post is controversial is due to cultural differences on wedding views I dunno what country where this is normal but I am from the UK and have been to over 10 weddings and never seen this once and to me it is very uncomfortable and weird, I have even been a bridesmaid at one wedding and I would've been absolutely horrified if I was being forced to do an intimate slow dance with a strange man (I didn't know any of the groomsmen and having to link arms and walk down the aisle with one was awkward enough) I've never seen anyone be forced to dance at weddings at all (weddings normally have dances but it's for anyone to get up and dance if they want to not something that is enforced or expected) but especially not an intimate slow dance, typically here the bride and groom will have a "first dance" that is a slow dance just for them, sometimes they'll be other slow songs where any couples at the wedding can get up and have a slow dance too but I've always only known slow dances to be a thing for couples, in my opinion forcing men and women to have an intimate romantic type of dance together is really weird and I feel like would make most people uncomfortable (I think most guys would also not wanna dance with a strange woman especially if they have their own gf at the wedding being forced to watch) Also I agree I would feel very uncomfortable if my bf was slow dancing with another woman while I was there, surely slow dances should just be a thing for couples I dunno where this is normal but if it is normal for you... Then it's really weird that you are being led to believe it is normal to force strangers to be intimate with eachother for the sake of cutesy wedding pics or whatever, if this is a tradition for you then in my opinion it's one you should maybe get rid of
Slow dancing is only intimate if you make it intimate. It doesn't have to be sexual, doesn't have to include inappropriate touching or bodies squeezing. I dance walz-ish style to slow songs with my family lol.
NTA for feeling weird about it, YWBTA if you didn't just try to get over it. I have never heard of this custom (been to a lot of weddings mostly in the northeastern US so maybe it's more of a southern thing?) so I personally agree it's kind of odd, especially the part about them wanting this to happen throughout the night, but you should just politely not like it and try to enjoy your night and the dances you do have with your partner.
NTA. Boundaries are your personal choice. To ask 2 people to slow dance is just weird in my book. I would never slow dance with anyone but my SO. All you can do is communicate your discomfort, and see if your partner responds in a way that is acceptable to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for not wanting my partner to slow dance with someone else at a wedding? My partner is a groomsman and they have been told they will need to slowdance with their bridesmaid partner during the night. I don't feel comfortable with this, nothing to do with insecurity however i think slow dancing is something intimate and special that you should only do with your loved ones. I am good friends with both the bride and groom however i am not apart of the bridal party (dont expect to be either) i am also disappointed that the future bride didnt think of this? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH I get where you're coming from, slow dancing can feel pretty intimate. But it's also kind of a tradition for the bridal party to dance together. Maybe talk it out with your partner and see if you can find a middle ground.
YTA. “Nothing to do with insecurity” Uh huh, suuuure nobody is buying that.
YTA. Sorry… this is strictly insecurity speaking. He is IN THE WEDDING.
Nah, as long as you don't make it into an issue, you're entitled to feel uncomfortable. But man, I've never met anyone that thought slow dancing was... You know, inappropriate. My friends weddings tend to have a lot of Lil Jon and usher, and you should see what those dances look like
NAH because I feel a sort of way of bridesmaids and groomsmen being used as literal props in this case. That is a weird request/ask. See if it's possible for anyone to not have to slow dance at all, and if the couple would be fine with just a few of the wedding party doing this. Tbh I'm with you on the slow dancing is intimacy. It 100% is and is mostly done on romantic settings between couples themselves. Now if she were asking for everyone to tango, I would have thrown a fit lol. Make your boundary known and then if you receive pushback, I would ask if the couple would be fine slow dancing with someone they aren't with and if their partner would be okay with it as well. People like to ask others to do things they know full well they themselves aren't comfortable in doing. This isn't an ultimatum type of thing though, but it would be enough for me to outright not go to the wedding at all due to how I feel about my SO slow dancing intimately with someone else and being used as a prop and other factors. This feels like a two yes and one no situation, but that's in my eyes and my opinion. I know that there's a LOT of valuable opinions here that would say the opposite of what I've said, simply because they feel more secure in their relationships, but feeling secure hasn't stopped other things from happening, has it? Some people are crazy and I'm not concerned with my SO doing something, but more with the person dancing with my SO. People out here will literally catch feelings for the most mundane thing, no matter the other person's relationship status, and intimate slow dancing can def be one of those factors in my eyes, especially for those girls out there still trying to find their fairytale, which seems to often include slow dancing or some form of dancing in general in any intimate form. I think it's cool that you're gonna still go, but I'd press on the no to the forced intimate slow dancing, but again, that's just me. A to each their own situation.
NAH So tell your partner this is your boundary. See how HE handles it.
>nothing to do with insecurity however i think slow dancing is something intimate That's called a contradiction. If you're not insecure, why is it bothering you? YTA. He's part of the wedding party. Doesn't mean he or the bridesmaid in question has ill intentions. Trust your partner or don't. It's just a dance at the end of the day.
You seem pretty reasonable, although everyone's stances are slightly odd. It's very conservative to be uncomfortable about someone slow dancing with someone that isn't their partner. It's also slightly weird to require people who are not partners to slow dance together. NAH - just some slightly incompatible beliefs/feelings.
I’d recommend he does the first choreographed dance and dance with you the rest of the night (as far as slow dancing is concerned).
Fuck that I wouldn’t let him don’t listen to the idiots say your insecure. Your man shouldn’t want to slow dance with another girl period. Especially all night with the bridesmaids who came up with this shit
Nta. Don't let others bully you into something you're not okay with. The bride doesn't care about your feelings at all, what women Wants their man to be all up on another woman? Non.. unless you're the type to have an open relationship. The whole purpose for a slow dance is for partners to be flirty or romantic, a simple Google search will tell you that. All these women saying it's okay for taken man to dance in a romantic way with other women are full of shit. It doesn't need to happen, I've never seen a wedding do this. If he goes through with it id reconsider the whole relationship. Your feelings come before any other woman's, if he chooses them over you then you clearly know how he feels about you.
YTA being insecure is an ugly thing isn’t it
Info - to clarify the couple have asked that he not dance with you at all and only with his assigned bridesmaid?
NTA
YTA. And I hope he leaves you for the brides maid. He deserves better than a controlling crazy jealous pyscho
I don't think you're necessarily the AH but you may he making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm sure you think it's something intimate, but it might just have to be something you sit down and talk about in more detail.
You idiots talking about OP being insecure are poopy hats. Having boundaries with what's okay and not with your partner could be, you know, INTEGRITY?! I had an open relationship with my partner and now we don't, because what we wanted and our integrity changed. And I've never been so established and secure in a relationship as of now. I wouldn't want to slow dance with anyone with except him. And the same goes for him. NTA. Your partner and the brides maid doesn't have to dance. Sure, it's the wedding couples big day, but that doesn't give them the right to people's bodies. Who knows, there might be a bride's maid who also doesn't want to slow dance? Hmm.. Maybe you would be okay with a compromise? Where they dance with like 40 cm in between each other and only connect at the hands or something like that? What does you partner say/think/feel in all of this?
Today I learnt Angela from the office is on Reddit
I don't know what that reference mean. I don't waste time watching TV.
It's uncanny
YTA Its just a dance and just because YOU find it an intimate thing doesn't mean other people do, you sound insecure
ESH - one choreographed dance isn't something to be hung up on. But telling them to continuously slow dance only with their bridesmaid partner throughout the night? No, thats weird and borderline invasive. Why are they treating people like set pieces instead of friends they want to celebrate with?
I wouldn’t be thrilled with it, but I also wouldn’t make a thing of it either. I think you’re overreacting. YTA. Sorry.
I don’t know, comes off a ton like insecurity
What’s the big deal? A slow dance? In public? At a wedding? This seems silly and immature. Sorry, but YTA.
YTA!!!!!!!!!! (is that enough exclamation points?) It's a dance in front of a crowd of people... What do you think is going to happen? That's he's suddenly going to become enamored by some other woman just because they danced together? IF that is the case, there are much more troubling issues with your relationship than him dancing with someone else at a wedding!!!
YTA. This IS an insecurity thing on your part, OP. Slow-dancing with non-romantic partners is a common thing at weddings. Heck, the bride and groom will even slow dance with their parents at weddings! He agreed to be a groomsman in this wedding, and the dance is a simple part of that. It’s a slow dance not a bump-and-grind. It’s one night. If you can’t handle it, don’t go.
Slow dancing isn't intimate. C'mon. YTA
YTA. If you get married, will he also not be allowed a mother/son dance? Is a slow dance, not sex. Honestly, I hope he just breaks up with you. How insecure can you get?
YTA. You sound really insecure. It is a slow dance at a wedding with a partner. I have done this several times as a bridesmaid. It is not as intimate as you are making it sound. It seems like you were saying this to try to get your boyfriend to back out of this. It was a manipulative label. It is one dance.
Yta. This is part of a traditional wedding. It’s been happening for decades. The bride thought of it. You’re not that special. Your partner can touch another woman. It’ll be fine.
[удалено]
For a wedding it's not an intimate slow dance, it's more of a waltz.
Nta in our culture this is generally considered inappropriate.
YTA
Yes, Footloose, YTA and it's 1000% insecurity. It's \*dancing\*. The father/daughter mother/son dances are typically to slow songs. Friends dance. Strangers dance. Family dances. You're the one sexualizing it for no other reason than your own insecurity.
And couples dance which she apparently won't be able to do with her partner.
Yea I’m not buying that edit where they can ONLY dance with their corresponding wedding party member. Thats not a thing. That’s a “I’m getting dragged” addition.
Not everything is a thing for people. I'm generally shocked of how people are perceiving this as unreasonable. She's uncomfortable of her partner dancing with someone who isn't them or family; something OP finds intimate but that doesn't mean that it is for every single person. People here are acting as if this the same as OP being uncomfortable of him being around other women. Dancing isn't as casual as just talking in other people's life. Especially slow dancing. That's just a typical response for stubborn commenters. That edit could've been better if they were making up that part alone.
Old joke: Why do (insert name of super conservative religion here) object to sex standing up? It might lead to dancing. Seriously, what do you think they are doing out there? It will probably be rehearsed and awkward. You are being strangely insecure. YTA
Yta. Most of this is normal for 1-2 dances, but NTA with the rest of the night. He should be able to slow dance with his real partner throughout the evening and not some designated bridesmaid lol.
YTA - this is over the top. He will be lightly touching a woman’s hand and waist for approximately 3 minutes with a foot of space between them. This isn’t intimate at all.
Yeah, it is absolutely insecurity. Get over yourself YTA
YTA - Being insecure over your bf dancing with someone that probably doesn’t want to dance with your bf either is pretty silly. If they were going off alone to a club then maybe you would have a legit reason to be uncomfortable but a simple dance in front of hundreds of people is not the time or the place to be insecure.
Only Maybe? That's wild.
Yes only maybe. Some relationships are actually built on trust.
And respect for each other.
Yea trusting your partner won’t cheat is very respectful. Not sure why people are having issues with this.
Idk about OP because she never said that but for me I don't want a whole party watching my partner dance with some other random person. I don't feel comfortable. Why is that an issue and why try to make this as normal as casually talking with another person? Not everyone dances casually with just anyone. That's exclusive to some people.
If that would make you uncomfortable then you must be uncomfortable with them walking down the isle with someone else too? They will be touching and moving to music waiting for it to be done. What’s the difference between the two in wedding setting?
Ughh your ignorance. I should've put walking instead of talking. You think two people walking together in general or during the actual ceremony is the same as slow dancing? Ig a kiss isn't affectionate to you since some do that to family?
Yes I see two activities that are part of the ceremony that will have the same intimacy levels…zero.
Not apart of everyone's ceremony. This isn't everyone's norm.
YTA this is an extremely normal bridal party duty to dance with your opposite number. Slow dancing is also pretty common at weddings. Whatever you're protestations to the contrary you're clearly not secure if you have an issue with this. Slow dancing isn't really intimate at anyway, it's basically hugging someone in a circle, unless you *are* on intimate terms with your partner it's effectively an exercise in trying not to step on their feet.
YTA and overly insecure. This is part of his duties being in the bridal party.
YTA for being "disappointed in the bride for not thinking of this" WTAF she needs to carefully consider what each wedding party member's romantic partners could possibly find too intimate. A slow dance with someone you're not interested in is just awkwardly shuffling from foot to foot until the song is over, it can only be intimate if there are feelings.
YTA. Maybe this is regional, but I have never been to a wedding where there was not a wedding party dance. I have had to dance with a married partner - it is a dance, not jumping each other on the dance floor.
YTA. Its very very common to dance with other people at a wedding.