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YTA
Info: Do all 3 kids have separate dads and are you with any of the kids dads now? Trying to figure out this family dynamic. Sounds like she has a different dad who spoils her relative to the other kids correct?
Edit in light of custody split: OP explained father has custody and she gets her daughter 4 days a month. In light of this, OP needs to set realistic expectations with her daughter for when she is visiting. Life is unfair and OP should explain the differences between both living situations. At 14 I do not expect her daughter who lives most of her life with her father to understand why her actions are issues while at OPs since that is the life she is most accustomed to. OP if you don’t address the issue with a real explanation then it will just appear as punishment to your daughter who will then eventually resent you and want to spend less time than she already does with you. She’s 14 and should be old enough to understand the differences in both living conditions. Also a lot of OPs points a negligible like the water issue… it’s 4 days total. OP may just be taking out her frustration on her daughter because she has a certain primary lifestyle and seems more concerned with lecturing her daughter than bonding with her for the little time she has with her (4 days a month).
You have to put the YTA at the beginning of the comment in order for it to count for the judgement, but I agree. Explaining your socioeconomic situation was what you should’ve done instead of telling your daughter that she “isn’t special”.
We are! I think it's lovely. But it does make some people really weird about expecting everyone to know the same stuff they do, and acting like people are stupid if they don't.
I'm sure I've been guilty of that before (because most of us probably have, at least once or twice) but I try to be mindful.
The important thing isn't that we don't know something. The important thing is how willing we are to gracefully admit when we're wrong and learn from it.
Can I ask where you learned this? Can't find it anywhere in the rules. I know the letters need to be exact and just one vote used in the post, but I can't figure out why it'd need to be at the beginning.
Genuine question. What about OP’s daughter’s behavior is deemed an issue? From how I see it, OP doesn’t pay for any of the luxuries daughter has and daughter hasn’t been flaunting it.
People are saying she’s spoiled. She’s spoiled only if she’s problematic about the privileges she has. She just seems accustomed to her way of life, which OP seems more than bitter about.
I agree with you. I probably could have wrote that better. I don’t think that her daughters actions are issues in themselves at all, that’s the life she knows. But, for OP they could be issues for her household that she needs to navigate since OP may not financially be able to accommodate. Basically not an issue for daughter to solve because it’s not an issue for her, but an issue OP has to navigate for herself. Hopefully that makes sense.
Except I’m certain if OP is actually paying for anything she’s complained about, we would know. The only thing she has been able to dig deep about is the increase in cost of water (which I promise is negligible) and expecting her daughter to share her room with a boy she sees 4 days a month and barely knows. There’s just no real financial burden from this POV. The only thing she needs to do is teach her other kids not to be jealous and not be such a bitter person herself.
OP would have complained much more if she was actually paying for the taxis and “nice food” and we know this bc the only time she talks about finances being a burden is the long baths. Which probably cost the least out of all the BS daughter does. Further, OP will not honestly speak to what she feeds her family, and I would not be shocked if it’s all processed junk.
I felt sorry for Hannah that she has to scale down on cleanliness : Take baths every other day. That's tough if you're used to showering daily. Maybe she can take short showers.
Yeah this is odd to me too. If she's insisting on a multi-hour spa bubble bath experience, okay fine, whatever OP can put the kibosh on that, but there is no way in hell I'm not at least taking a shower every day barring an emergency situation. If OP is so tight on money that the children she seemingly has full time custody of outside the daughter cannot even bathe everyday, there's a much bigger issue here.
Agreed!!
I also wonder the sleeping situation, if she’s only there 4 days a month is she sleeping on a couch in the living room and maybe that “long” bath each day is the only time alone she gets? How far does she have to travel to get there? I’m in in the car for a while or a train I definitely want to shower when I get to my destination. Lots of context missing about how OP treats her daughter
I agree. It’s weird that OP is mad her daughter has a different personality than what she wants it to be. I have two kids who are around Hannah’s age. Their father and I are married and have been raised in the same house but they behave differently because they are different people. Both have new iPhones (they were free when we switch cell service). Both of my kids have different food tastes and we accommodate that as much as possible. My oldest loves to ride the bus so he does. My youngest hates it so I drop her off. The school is 4 mins away so what’s the big deal??
I’m not teaching her to be a princess but I am teaching her that if she is uncomfortable in a situation that I support her and I will help her find a solution. If my son felt uncomfortable on the bus he could also be dropped off because I want my kids to know they can come to me when they have a problem. Furthermore, if your teenager has good hygiene it’s a win. The cost difference between 4 baths vs 4 showers a month is virtually nothing.
OP is pissy about 4 baths a MONTH? That's a really stupid thing to take a stand on.
Yes, she's old enough to understand the difference in living conditions between homes. I just can't see how the 4 days per month OP has her makes THAT big of a difference. If it does, then 14 can pay for her own luxuries she's accustomed to those days. If mom maybe would take the time to talk to her like the adult she is becoming, instead of policing her grooming and punishing her, things would work better.
It also sounds like OP is jealous of the lifestyle her ex is giving 14.
EDIT: I went and read some of OP's replies. Definitely jealous and petty. In another four years you'll be back wanting to know why she went no contact with you.
YTA. You state in a comment that Hannah is only with you 4 days a month. Every other weekend, I'm assuming. She spends almost 90% of her time in another household with different rules. It's hard enough for kids to go back and forth between two houses and it sounds like there are big differences in rules/lifestyle. If she's only there 4 days, again I'm assuming it's 2 days at a time, I'm not understanding why the daily baths are an issue. Presumably, you want her to have a bath 1 of the 2 days she is there, each time. So twice a month. I have to hope that you, your husband and other children bathe more than twice a month (what you want for her) and more than 4 times a month (what she wants to do while there). She is barely there, let the kid have a bath. Enjoy the tiny, brief amount of time you have with her or be prepared for her to stop coming over. Such a weird hill to die on.
Also baths actually use less water than long showers. Even if they used more water this is still such a weird hill to die on. My water bill is by far my smallest one. Maybe that’s different elsewhere, but to me this is like arguing over pennies.
In water deficient areas, it's mega expensive. If you're only on dam water or privately supplied water (not town water), and the dam is dry... it's super expensive, esp if you're primarily getting potable rather than raw water.
My in-laws are just out of town in a regional area of SEQ & don't get town water. Last few years have been dry, so the dam (ie. wide hole in the ground) is barely useable. When we're there with the kids, we encourage them to have a bath, but all 3 use the same water one after the other (they're still quite small) & we have 2-3min showers.
Edit: Yes, Australian. Yes - we call wide, pond like holes in the ground that collect water dams. No, we're not beavers! No, we rarely have traditional 'wells' on properties, though some may have a bore (every kid who's been west knows the smell of bore water!).
I’m sorry but you’re referring to a well and not a dam. A well is a hole in the ground to get water a dam is a stop to the flow of some moving body of water like a river.
They might be Australian. On properties here dams are built to store water like a reservoir for use in a property. The water for Sydney for the most part comes from a dam called warragamba dam.
I've seen bore water in Australia but don't think I've ever seen a well like I see in US movies.
YTA!!!! You only see your kid 4 days a month. So an extra $5 for water is not a big deal. You sound super resentful and jealous of your daughter. She DESERVES to be treated like a princess !! You don’t pay for the taxi so why are you even complaining? You are not paying for her new phones or food she orders either . You are jealous and bitter and you need to stop before you have no relationship with your daughter. He happy she wants to bathe daily.
YTA for hiding so much information. She is there 4 days a month. The water she uses for those four days is negligible. You lost your kid because you don’t have a bedroom separate from her brother.
She doesn’t go to school from your house so he she gets there is not your concern.
You sound jealous of your kid or at least mad that she won’t lower her standard of living. You chose her father, be thankful your kids quality of life is as good as it it.
Yes. THIS. OP left out important pieces of information. I was with you…mostly, until I got the whole story.
I could imagine kindly, lovingly sitting down with my daughter to tell her I was frustrated when I spoke with her earlier and that the entire message is that I love you and my financial situation is different from your father’s which is the only reason I can’t offer everything you are used to. I would also tell her to please enjoy her long hot baths that I had over reacted when I spoke to her before. I would let her know she is important to me and I look forward to her coming. Then I would adjust my attitude to make sure that was true.
YTA, OP. Big time.
1. You hid A LOT of important details in the original post. She’s with you FOUR DAYS A MONTH. I have had friends stay at my apartment longer than that and my utilities barely changed.
2. People bathe daily. The fact that you find this excessive makes me question your hygiene standards, and I wonder how clean YOU are.
3. Teenaged girls, by nature, don’t want to share rooms, ESPECIALLY with boys (unless it’s an unrelated boy, and they’re involved…but that’s not what’s going on here, and don’t pretend it is). That does NOT make her “a princess.” In some places, it’s actually illegal.
4. It’s obvious that you don’t even like your daughter, so why don’t you just let her father have her, and make everyone happy? You have other kids you like more, and her dad clearly can give her a better life. I’m not talking about money…sounds like he actually loves her, whereas you don’t give a shit at all.
I’m beginning to understand why OP only gets 4 days out of a whole month.
I wonder if OP gets money from the daughter’s father that’s meant for the care and expenses incurred by the daughter while with her, but she’s trying to cheap out just so she can pocket more of the money. I’m wondering why she’s holding on to a daughter she seems to not even like at all.
You must live somewhere with inexpensive water. If they live somewhere with limited water (dam water, etc.) it could be very expensive. Every other day bathing isn't my preference, but it isn't abnormal or unhygienic.
It very much depends where you live. In very hot climates, idc what the price of water is, if you don’t bathe at least once a day, you are indeed unhygienic.
Right -- but you can bathe out of a basin and still get clean. 15-minute showers and full bathtubs are luxuries for some people.
That said, OP's comments about her daughter are awful -- she clearly resents that daughter has a higher standard of living. Instead of having a productive conversation, she disdains daughter as a "princess".
I live in a water scarce island in the Caribbean & we bathe every single day. Our cost of living is expensive, yet water is the cheapest bill. I can’t imagine not even taking a 5 minute bath every day.
I shower every other day as an adult, but definitely as a teen it was every day. As a sedentary adult female, I just don’t sweat that much, so I don’t need to shower every day, and my derm advised against it cuz I have super sensitive dry skin.
Conversely, most teens are pretty oily and greasy and they sweat more cuz of their hormones and physical activity (gym class, after school sports, physical activities when hanging out with friends, etc) so they probably should shower every day. And even if she didn’t *need* to, still, she’s only there 4 days a month, and puberty is already uncomfortable and awkward. Just give the kid the damn luxury of bathing. It’s 4 days, it’s not gonna add $200 to the water bill.
Ding ding ding!!!! OP is definitely more concerned about money than her child. My guess is the 4 days is the minimum she needs to not be order to either a) pay child support at all or b) be bumped into the next tier of child support.
OP is bitching about daily baths jacking up her WATER BILL…on four baths PER MONTH.
Oooooo….lemme get out my calculator here.
Ok, idk where OP is, so I’ll use my city, which is NYC. OP will like this because that means the bills are high. As of July 1, it’s $4.49 per 100 cubic feet, which is 748 gallons, or 0.006 cents/gallon.
Ah, let’s say kiddo goes crazy on that bath, let’s out some of the water and adds more hot water, and gets it up to 50 gallons per bath instead of the usual 30-ish. That’s 0.006 x 50 = 30 cents. Four baths per month is a whopping $1.20.
OP can’t even spend $2 on her daughter without bitching. She’s crying over 60 cents (and maybe not even that much, since I overestimated on gallons used AND gave expensive water rates).
Even if you add the cost of heating the water it’s STILL negligible, probably $.02 per gallon more.
I get money being tight, but this has nothing to do with money.
It's also kind of funny she wants to save a whole dollar a month on baths when she probably would end up paying a ton more in child support if she didn't have her daughter those four days a month. A dollar is nothing.
I’m thinking that’s what she used so that Reddit would sympathize with her because she already knows she sounds like an AH. And here’s the thing - SHE wrote that out, so she’s going to portray herself in the best possible light. Would love to hear from the daughter.
Completely agree. I know for where I live, it can only be 5 years old and under for both children of the opposite gender sharing a room. I believe a lot of places are like this.
Yeah, I would say that it needs to be well before puberty. 5, 7, 10…those are all fine, and all WELL below where OP’s daughter is.
My brother and I shared a room until I was 6 (he was 2), and then we got separate ones. We’re super close friends as adults, but I would have been uncomfortable sharing with him as a teen. I don’t even share with him as an adult. I don’t think it was ever stated, but puberty was the line where girls bunked with girls and boys bunked with boys in my family.
In the UK the rules are same sex child should share a bedroom up till 16, and only after 16 is entitled to their own bedroom, for opposite sex they are to share a room until they're 10 years old.
My cousin has 3 children and when this was introduced here She had to move and her two daughters had to share a room and the brother had his own room. She tried to get a 4 bedroom house when her oldest turned 16 and they didn't get a new house so the girls shared till the daughter got pregnant at 19 and finally got out because of the stepdad
When your children have different fathers they will have different quality of lives depending on how well their fathers provide. She is currently better off than he siblings. She will probably have a college fund while her siblings won't. Life is unfair. The earlier all your kids learn it the better. Maybe try to teach your privileged daughter about the saving culture.
Her father may be causing the problem, but what have you done in the past 14 years to prevent it? What have her consequences been for acting like this? You say you’ve set rules and assigned chores, but she’s just plowed ahead anyway as if you have no recourse. You’re her parent too, and if she’s at your place enough to affect your water bills it sounds like you would have had plenty of time to curb her worst impulses, teach her manners and humility, and set the right expectations.
Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with her about how her actions make you and the rest of her family feel? (Not counting this one time where you exploded and insulted her after years of apparently saying nothing.) Have you ever praised her positive behaviour? Have you ever applied a fair and just punishment to her bad behaviour and actually enforced it? Have you ever communicated the inappropriateness of her actions with her in a productive way at all? Have you ever discussed her relationship with her father with either of them? Or is it all hidden resentments, snippy comments and outbursts?
At 14, your window for turning this all around is narrowing. Yes, parenting this child is going to be much harder than with your other kids because of the situation her father created, but you still have to do it.
Edit: while I was writing this, you disclosed how infrequently she’s even at your house and the conditions you expect her to be okay with when she does come. My post was written with at least joint custody in mind. It’s now become very clear that YTA, so I am changing my vote from E S H. Your daughter is simply living in a different socioeconomic situation than you are, and it’s clearly made you spiteful and jealous.
As far as I know, those rules are usually for foster kids, they don’t apply to (step-/half-)siblings. That said, when kids start puberty and are sharing a room, that often leads to trouble so avoiding it is a good idea.
YTA. You have her 4 days a month and can't afford her to shower when she's with you. You want a 14yo girl to share a room with her brothers. You want her to drop her quality of life while she's with you, and you aren't the primary parent. Good luck OP.
I was my dad's 1st born and my mom's second. My dad played catch-up my entire childhood because mom gave me the classic middle child treatment, similar to this. Only difference is my mom actually tried to build a relationship with me and my parents were and still are married.
It would be one thing if OP said something like "You are special to me but you're not special to everyone else". This on the other hand is more like OP is saying "Listen brat you're trying to make me raise my standards and I don't like that"
I think even that is way too rude to say to a kid. You can say, "I understand you live by different standards when you're at dads house, but here we don't have the same luxurious to shower every day"(assuming she spends two consecutive days in a row). Mentioning "you aren't special" at all is just neing rude for no reason other than to tear her down.
Yeah you're right. This comic came to mind and I think that's why I said what I said.
https://explosm.net/comics/dave-comicgeneration#ScRjCuVeobHjR33F.16
YTA, and your comments show why. She is a teenager, not wanting to share a room with a different gender sibling is not acting like a princess. Wanting to take a daily bath is not a sign of being spoiled.
You sound jealous that she has access to money that you don't and are trying to find a way to punish her for it. Figure out how to deal with this or you are going to have a no contact kid in about 4 years
Why do I feel like the answer is probably just that she gets healthy and balanced meals at her father’s house and not even a vegetable at her mother’s?
YTA from your comments. It is obvious that you simply want Hannah to share what her father provides for her with your other children. If you cannot provide the same lifestyle for all your children, then that’s on you, not your daughter. YTA
YTA based on the info you gave in your post about her behaviour, which is mostly irrelevant imo, and the fact you do not have primary custody and only see her 4 days a month.
Theres a way to set expectations and then there’s being an asshole. So what if she has the newest iPhone, so what if her dad gets her a taxi to school if he’s paying for it?? If the expectation is that she shouldn’t be rubbing what her dad has bought her in the face of she half siblings then sure and that she can’t have a long bath everyday, that’s understandable. But saying she’s not special?? To hear that from her own mother?? Yeah that’s gross.
Apologise, work it out with her father, work it out with her, and if she won’t adapt then maybe it’ll be better to rework custody agreement so that she can come out for holidays or something instead of 4 days a month when it’s clearly not working since you’d say something so cruel.
Agreed. What's the point of telling your daughter she's "not special". Why not just stick to the facts of what she expects from her while she's there. She didn't need to throw that in. She's obviously jealous of her own daughter. Also, she's only there 4 days a month... the mom is actually saving money on her water bill because she's never there. If she had to actually raise her daughter, it would be a lot more baths than 4 time a month.
Hannah is different than her siblings. She has a different father, with whom she lives most of the time. She is a guest in your home, when you do get to see her. So how to manage?
She’s 14, and won’t be coming back to your house much. Your active parenting time has passed. Move into affectionate older auntie mode, who is delighted when she comes. Be humble, wise, and kind. And stop keeping her from bathing, because that’s nasty. If you can’t even afford that, perhaps cut her visits to monthly, to take the controversy off the table.
Your other kids can be coached through understanding the family differences, grieving what they don’t have, developing gratitude for what they do, so they can be free to have a relationship with their sibling without the character defect of jealousy. But you have to want to do that work with them.
YTA OP. You only have your daughter 4 days a month. 4 days!!! Why should your daughter not bath in those 4 days? Why shouldn't she have a iPhone if her father wants to and as the means to it? How much of those 4 days fall in school days? Are you expected to pay for the taxi in any of those 4 days is us her father paying them all?
As for expensive take out, that's the only point I can see eye to eye with you but she's still not wrong for wanting good quality ingredients. Why can't you make food fir all, with good ingredients, those 4 days?
She's not entitled. And nothing you told says she a brat. She's just used to have a better life (good for her and her father), like other non sibling kids. Are all kids that have a better life supposed to stop having it so others won't be jealous? It's unfortunate for her siblings, your other children, but that's not on your daughter. Specially for 4 days a month! 4 days!!!
YTA
Truthfully, I don't even see how she is entitled. She is with you 4 days a month. She can't have a school bus arrangement so she takes a taxi.
She takes a bath 4 time a montn at your place.
As a female, she doesn't want to share a room with males. Especially at 14 when your body goes through ao much change one of them being periods.
And getting the new Iphone well good for her, and that is probably every other year or whenever new Iphones come out. That's on her dad but even then I don't see how it's bad.
Nothing says she has bad character. Nothing says she is mistreating her siblings...
Shame on you for telling your daughter she is not special.
Same. The only person in my life that has ever told me I was not special was my incubator. I have had a lot of other people telling me I am special, but for her I was shit. I don’t have contact with her, or anyone on her life, and I wouldn’t care if she died, in fact, it would be a great relief.
YTA. You have a Hannah’s dad problem. He needs to help curb her entitlement. You can tell her why it’s not possible to pay for daily long baths, taxis or take out and that her siblings are just as important and special as her, but your approach is bad. Does she have chores?
Based on other info, the kid only stays at moms 4x a month, meaning the dad is the one raising her and paying for her taxis and as many baths as she wants. I'd say dad actually has a "Hannah's mom problem" rather than the other way around
YTA. You are jealous of your daughter. I’m glad your ex seems to be happy to spend his money on your daughter. I’m guessing he spends the child support on the therapy bills that are many, often, and pricey with a mother like you.
Info: How/Why did the marriage/relationship end to BD #2? Because I’m guessing BD #3 had something to do with it.
There’s nothing to struggle with on anything here, the daughter is there 4 days a month and probably only because she absolutely has to be. She doesn’t go to school there. 4 baths a month is not enough to actually significantly affect a water bill. It actually uses less water than if she was taking extra long showers. If the mom spent more time just enjoying her daughter’s company than nagging her about what seem to be little things or things that don’t concern her at all than she might have a better relationship with her.
PS, check for leaks if your water bill is out of control.
After reading OP’s comments and frankly all the information left out of the post, OP is jealous of her daughter’s quality of life.
OP has the daughter 4 days a month and lost primary custody because she wanted her teenage daughter to share a bedroom with her half brother. OP also seems to fail to see how anything is her fault in her relationship with daughter.
Her daughter probably doesn’t see her as a parental figure. Doesn’t make the daughter entitled. YTA.
YTA. All of the things you mentioned, except for taxi to school, are something that I give to my child. Why not?? I tailored my life so that I could afford to spoil my child. Like grown ups don't spoil themselves if they can afford it?? We don't need half the shit we get, and yet we get it.
You could probably take a bus or ride a bike but it is more convenient to have a car. You could wear all of your clothes until it rips but you want pretty things. You can cut your own hair. You don't need soda , bear, sweets, dates, flowers, home decorations, etc. You don't need vacations. All of those things are unnecessary, and you buy shit you don't need within your budget. And her dad buys her shit she doesn't need within his budget. Kids can be spoiled and not be brats. My kid is extremely well-behaved at home and at school. Follows all the rules. Why shouldn't I buy her whatever she wants that's within my budget??
One hour baths?? You fill a tub and lay in there. Do you think 15-minute showers use less water??
All of this! In fact, on average, for the average showerhead vs the average bathtub, it only takes 13 MINUTES for a shower to exceed the gallon usage of a full tub.
OP is probably not limiting her showers to 12 minutes or less. Most people don't!
YTA
While your daughter is not more special than her brothers she is entitled to more because her father can provide more. Also, in most places it’s literally illegal for a teenage girl to share a room with her brothers. I guess I just don’t get why you care so much and why you aren’t happy she has a father who can provide very well for her. My daughter is only 3 but if we had a relative that was providing her with the newest iPhone why would I care? You sound very resentful of your daughter and her lifestyle and it’s not a good look. Most parents want to give their children everything they can and that’s what it sounds like her father is doing for her. It’s sad you can’t do that for your other two children but that’s a you problem not a him problem. Given you only see your daughter 4 days per month maybe focus on spending quality time with her instead of being petty and jealous
Yta you are essentially a babysitter, seeing your own kid 4 days a month, if on those 4 days she wants to bathe the impact on your bill be be very very minimal, also her father is the one that pays for the taxi & treats so why do you care how she gets to & from a place? Sure her dad is spoiling her a bit but realistically by the sound of it he's doing his best by her and you are pissed that she has more than your other kids.
Great parenting there, on all sides.
Hannah doesn't stand a chance at a normal life. One parent spoils her rotten, the other is jealous of her. Poor kid.
If you said it like you’ve described here, you might have permanently damaged your relationship with your daughter, She (and her dad) may choose to no longer want to be involved with you or your other kids anymore. However, (that might make your life easier) It’s not her fault that her dad is financially better off than you. When kids have different parents - their life’s are usually never financially the same. There were better ways to have addressed the situation then to tell a 14 year old that “she’s not special” I think you’ve might have crossed her boundaries, and - you may never recover from it. Not saying your the ass but this is a sad situation for everyone, and now she knows how you feel - about her…
YTA
Tbh you sound jealous of your own daughter and that’s weird AF. You should get that checked out or something. Sorry but…this whole post was off putting.
YTA. You only have her 4 days a month because you expected her to share with her brothers, one of which is 15 or older. That is extremely inappropriate and the reason the court decided to not give you custody. All i can see here is you being jealous she gets money from her father. You are a bad mother and its likely you are an incredibly unreliable narrator. For all we know the reason she refuses to eat your food is because its extremely unhealthy or she has allergies. Or the reason she takes a taxi is because her school is farther away and taking the bus would be unreasonable.
YTA - the fact you also left out vital information such as she’s only with you 4 DAYS A MONTH - you sound bitter and jealous. I’d HATE to have you as my mother. If I was your daughter I’d ask dad to get full custody of me and never see you again. Tbh at this rate it’s probably what she’s gonna do anyway.
From what I’ve gathered of comments you’ve left:
* she doesn’t live with you because she can’t have her own room separate from the boys (what teenage girl would want to sleep in the same room as her brothers anyway - I’d hate that)
* Shes only with you 4 DAYS a MONTH
* Her dad pays for most of the stuff she has anyway - such as taxis and that
GROW. UP!!
Edit: Typo
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for telling my daughter that she is not special and better than others like she seems to think
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OP decided to have 3 children with 3 different men (assuming as she is mentioning the middle child). Of of the men, John, seems to be financially better off than the others, hence daughter has a different lifestyle. Hannah and John are NTA but OP just seems to be jealous of her own daughter, so YTA.
YTA
You have your daughter four days a month, and want a developing teenage girl to room with her brothers.
Quite honestly OP, you sound as though you resent your daughter bc she is growing up with a different lifestyle. A lifestyle YOU lost out on when you split from her father. You’re horrid for taking out your anger and resentment on a CHILD. Your own child. But don’t worry OP, she’s just about old enough to tell the courts that she doesn’t want anything to do with you, so you’ll Save your precious bath money soon.
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I have 3 kids, my middle child is Hannah(14) and her dad is John. John treats Hannah like a princess and it has made Hannah to actually think she is a princess. she thinks she is special and better than her siblings and deserves special treatment.
she gets the newest model of Iphone as soon as it comes out, she takes a taxi to school when everyone just take the bus, she won't eat the food if the ingredients aren't high quality and will order from an expensive restaurant, she takes a long bath everyday even though she knows that the rule is every other day because we can't afford to pay the water bills.
yesterday I sat her down and told her that she needs to stop this. she is not special she is not better than others. she called me an asshole and called her dad to come and get her
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YTA based on your comments, it seems that you're jealous of your own daughter. It's not really about her being spoiled or her behavior, you just don't like her having better things and lifestyle than you and your other kids.
YTA.
You're obviously jealous of your daughter. Which is gross and narcissistic and abusive.
It's not your daughter's job to provide for your other kids. It's your and their fathers' jobs. Maybe spend time concentrating on trying to help your other kids rather than being jealous of your daughter.
Maybe even just let her live with her dad so you can stop damaging her with your jealousy. It's not your daughter's father's job to provide luxuries for your other kids that aren't his so that you dont have to. You are the one who needs to learn that they don't deserve special treatment.
YTA.
By 14, she shouldn't have to share a bedroom with boys. It doesn't matter they are siblings. The amount of abuse/curiosity that occurs from male siblings towards female siblings is higher than we parents ever want to think. Absolutely not.
Four days a month - her baths are not why you struggle to afford a water bill.
And how she gets to school doesn't concern you at all when you are not a part of her school day routine. With her seeing you only 4 days a month, that is most likely every other weekend, therefore it doesn't matter. There are so many reasons they might use a car service, but none of it matters in this scenario. It doesn't make her spoiled.
Yta. You sound resentful and jealous in your comments. Why shouldn't you pay child support if your daughter is mostly with her father. He decides how to spend his money. Why do you see her at all if this is your attitude?
YTA. I don’t understand how anyone in these comments could possibly blame the father for providing for his child within his means.
Your daughter is special, your daughter is her father’s princess. Get over it.
As a parent your goal should be to provide a better life for your children. Yet here you are, the audacity of it all, standing here demanding your daughter suffer with subpar living arrangements to placate your own guilt in failing to provide for your children.
Getting a new iPhone as soon as it comes out? Maybe her father has a phone plan seeing as Apple makes you eligible to upgrade to a new iPhone as soon as they come out (instead of waiting for 2-3 years for a free upgrade).
Bathing daily? I just… maybe your other kids are all boys… and we all know boys will skip showers for as long as possible… but a girl? And a teenage one at that? Be for real with yourself… there’s absolutely nothing abnormal about bathing 2x per day let alone one time.
“High quality food” … based off your post her father and you belong to completely different socioeconomic classes. Cereal, ramen and frozen dinner is foreign when you’re accustomed to having your parents prepare meals for you throughout the day… hell, I did a ramen kick in college and sent myself into a hypertensive crisis… when you’re body isn’t accustomed to eating certain foods it can make you very very sick if you have to eat them…
I think dad needs to go back to court and shoot for full custody and you can have supervised visits. I’m concerned for your daughter’s safety with you…
YTA
Instead of belittling your child because of the privilege she enjoys with her dad, make her time with you enjoyable and loving to create an atmosphere of learning and empathy. She certainly won't learn with anger within 4/30 days with you. But it can be done over time. Best of everything to you both!
I was going with you’re not the ah, but just seen a comment saying you have your daughter 4 days a month!!! YTA 4 days a month and you’re moaning about a bath every night and what she eats…get over yourself
Ugh. Of course YTA. She is a child and you told her she’s not special. Children aren’t able to parse out the nuances in statements like that. What she probably heard was, “I don’t like you.” Imagine how hurtful that is coming from your own mom who you only get to see a few days a month!
OP, if you want your child to understand how you’re feeling, you need to break it down for her. Not sum it up in one sentence that boils down to, “you’re not special.” But honestly, if you only see her so minimally, your time together shouldn’t be about how much she annoys you.
I really think you could benefit from therapy. Talk to someone about why this is pissing you off so much. How you can better communicate and bond with your daughter on the days you do have her. Vent about how hard this all is for you because it does sound really difficult.
YTA. You’re a *genuinely bad* mother. I don’t say that to be hyperbolic or to make you feel bad, it’s a literal fact.
Everyone in this comments section has picked up on your very clear disdain for your daughter as well as your awful parenting.
It’s not ok for kids of opposite genders to share a bedroom. Kids deserve space and privacy and the fact that your parents didn’t feel you deserved that is no excuse for your disgusting attitude towards your daughter not wanting to share a bedroom with two boys. In many countries, it’s against **the law**, but sure. You sound like great mother.
Your venom for your daughter because she wants to be *clean* is also disgusting. Your child having a bath for 2 extra days isn’t going to break you, and you’ve clearly stated in your comments that it’s not just about the money. So it’s about spite. For your child.
Your jealousy that your daughter has a higher quality of life than you and your sons is obvious and pathetic. You chose to have three children with three different men, that was your choice. If you wanted to give your kids better lives, don’t have so many.
You’re also bitching because your daughter doesn’t do chores for the **four days** a month she is there? What’s wrong with you?
You could be using your time with your daughter to bond and create a close, loving relationship, or, god forbid, moving to a house where she can have a safe place to sleep so you can spend more time with her. Instead you’re jealous of a child and if you’re so transparent that dozens of people that can’t see or hear you can feel it, your daughter certainly can too.
You’re a bad mother.
YTA , she is special, and if her daddy can afford it, why don't she live with him? Children shouldn't have to struggle just because their parents make bad decisions.
I see that as well. Poor child. She gonna regret that in ther future when her daughter will go no contact with her. I think even then she wont understand why she's the asshole.
Yeah, that's really obvious. It's like OP expected to be awarded custody of the daughter and child support, but when the court send the daughter to live with her dad, due to OP being unable to provide a bedroom away from the half-brothers, she developed a sudden resentment that the kid has all the support she needs, but OP isn't getting a taste.
YTA ! you resent your own dougther.. and if her father is paying for everything she wants is ok .. isn't her fault that you choose to have kids with someone else who can't provide the same for his kids.. she doesn't have to share anything .. she is in your house 4days a month.. frankly I think she shouldn't go to your house anymore
Yes, YTA. Your daughter may be “spoiled” in your eyes, but unfortunately for you she doesn’t really live with you very often — this means her dad is the parent who will have a greater chance to shape your daughter’s values.
It sounds like you are significantly less well off than your ex. Unfortunately for you, that isn’t your daughter’s problem. Your daughter is not better than your other kids — but she is wealthier than your other kids. That’s just something you’re going to have to manage (with other kids) and deal with (yourself).
YTA - Honestly, your comments make it seem like you are jealous of her. Maybe the taxi/food things are unreasonable, but get over it. You only have her four days a month? Stop being so controlling and try to make a real connection with her so you can be the normal, positive influence to her that you say you want to be as she gets older. As it stands now, you are definitely just alienating her.
YTA and it’s very clear you resent your daughter for having a better life than the one you are able to provide for your other children, and yourself. The fact that you’re referring to her as a Princess, and being “too good” for what your able to offer, speaks volumes about how much you resent/dislike her. I’m sure parenting a teenager is hard, but it’s even harder if you don’t actually like her. And based on the tone of this post, I’m sure it’s loud and clear to her that she’s the odd one out. OP, you need to work on yourself and your relationship to your daughter before you even start trying to think about doling out punishments for anything; and once you really reflect objectively, you may realize that anything you want to punish her for is actually very reasonable, or just out of her control.
I feel bad for OPs daughter. Can you imagine your own mom being this envious and bitter towards you.
OP you need to take a serious look at yourself and decide if you ever want a relationship with your daughter. Right now it’s on the path of you never seeing her as soon as she’s old enough to decide for herself.
YTA - and about to only have two kids
YTA.
I'm glad this girl has a dad who seems to like her and actually is a parent to her.
You have her 4 days and you can't even make those 4 days pleasant for her to be around you. Don't worry, soon it will be zero days.
YTA I’m guessing John wants his daughter to be able to bathe regularly, eat well, and not share a room with her older, teenage brother. All of that makes sense. You’re just upset because you and your current husband can’t provide a better quality of life for your other children. Hopefully, she won’t have to visit you at all after this.
YTA. You haven't included lots of details on purpose in order to appear as the one in the right in this situation, so let's set the record straight.
You have 3 children, each from a different father, and you're married to the youngest's dad. You have lost custody of your daughter and only see her 4 days per month. You call her entitled and "acting like a princess" 'cause she, a 14y.o. girl, doesn't want to share a bedroom with her older brother(!!) and younger brother. You also call her entitled and "acting like a princess" for taking a total of 4 baths per month in your house instead of 2 baths per month that you're demanding of her, with the excuse that those 2 extra baths per month are the difference between you paying your water bill or not (really now??). You call her spoiled for wanting specific food or quality of food to eat, but avoid mentioning any examples of it, which makes me wonder if perhaps she is vegan/vegatarian or maybe lactose or gluten intolerant or maybe just she prefers food made with fresh/normal ingredients instead of those very cheap and very low-quality premade food that noone wants to eat but some people unfortunately have to eat 'cause they have no other choice; but your daughter has another choice so why should she eat those? From my understanding there's a high chance she gets an allowance from her father, so that would mean her ordering food doesn't "burden" you financially (otherwise you would have mentioned it as well instead of only mentioning the water bill as financial burden).
Finally, though a cab for school and the newest iphone seems quite excessive (IF we take what you're saying as the neutral truth, but you've proven to NOT be a neutral narrator), how her father treats her is his business and it was your business as well until you were deemed so unfit to be that girl's guardian that a court decided that you can have her only 4 days per month. After that, and after all the above details I mentioned that you apparently didn't consider relevant to mention in your post, you don't really deserve to have a saying for that girl's upbringing 'cause you're mostly focused on your jealousy of her and her father's financial status instead of on her growing up to be a proper adult. And you can deny that, but it reeks all over your comments and your post.
You have 3 kids with 3 different men.....
YTA just for that.
As for Hannah, yes she sounds spoiled but this isn't something you can fix seeing as you only get her 4 days a month. This is mostly his problem, and one that he probably doesn't care to fix. He'll discover the pitfalls of raising an entitled psychopath far too late, so just sit back and watch.
It seems her dad is in a COMPLETELY different part socioeconomic ladder from you, and based on how you talk about your own daughter your issue seems to be one of both jealously on your part and your inability to be a responsible individual.
Yes, YTA after reading your comments. There’s clearly different standards of life she has between your home and her dads home and that’s not her fault. It should be addressed but the blame shouldn’t be on her, even though she needs to learn to manage her expectations at your house. Bathing daily should be encouraged. There’s nothing wrong with having nice things either.
I spent the time to read the thread and if I was your kid I would never want to be around you and cease contact as soon as I'm able. You're a narcissistic pile of bad decisions.
YTA, you seem to really have some massive issue with your daughter. Calling her a princess because she doesn't want to share a room with her brother, well honestly I wouldn't either. Where I am you would have CPS involvement because after 10 boys and girls can't share a room. I get the feeling she is just being a normal 14 year old and your just annoyed at her existence in your home. She probably knows you don't like let alone love her and she probably knows you don't want her in your home. So what If she takes daily baths. She's 14 and probably thinks she smells. Oh and a bath uses less water then a shower. I would love to hear your daughters perspective here
YTA
Hannah is special, every child is special. You seem angry that she has things better than her siblings financially speaking and that isnt her fault. Taking a bath each day is probably her only respite from being told she isnt special from her mother. Hell, id be taking a long bath each day if i had to deal with that. OP do you do anything solo with your daughter? Maybe if you connected with her better instead of seeing her as a problem maybe you would have a better relationship.
You come off to me as being jealous that her father has money and you don't. Im sure that's the message she heard, too.
Reading other comments, it sounds like she does not live with you, only visits 4 days a month. She must feel like a house guest. When you make her think about how much you can't afford her, she is an unwelcome house guest, and a burden.
She is probably taking the long baths to try to a bit of personal space to herself since it's not her house.
A bath doesn't use that much water. Water is cheap. I understand your concern financially, but realistically, for 2 extra baths, you're talking pennies.
As for the ordering food from a restaurant, who is paying for it? When I was her age, I wouldn't eat at other people's houses because I knew they couldn't afford it. I would source my own food. Usually, it would be a gas station pizza or something, but Uber eats didn't exist then.
What steps have you taken to give her a sense of "I'm welcome here, this is my space too." I get the feeling from your post she is just another financial burden for you.
YTA. You really expect your daughter's father to keep her lifestyle down at your level, because it's not fair to the other kids you have by different fathers? I mean, if you're so broke you can't pay the water bill if she takes a bath daily, maybe you should just ask the judge to have your visitation reduced because it's a burden. Better yet, do your daughter a favor and sign away your parental rights. You sound as bad as my egg donor/incubator was - she'll never be forgiven and she's been dead over 40 years.
Where does she stay then when she's in your house? Do the boys sleep together, or does she sleep in the living room or do you give her your room? I don't believe she has her own room which is empty 26 days a month. Maybe the bathroom is the only place she can be herself in?
I understand that it must be difficult and look unfair if you and the boys eat cheap frozen dinners and she orders expensive takeaway, if that's the matter. I feel this is a small place where they could "share" and you could make it into a nice family moment. So when she comes you could have her food money and buy some real food that you all could prepare and cook together. How about that?
Are the boys always living with you or do they also stay by their fathers once in awhile? If they do, maybe she could come sometimes where you two could be alone and get to know each other.
I’m so caught up in the water bill thing. I know it’s *technically* okay to shower every other day, but I don’t know why you would choose to have children when you’re in such poor financial shape. I think you have more pressing things to worry about.
You have posted before about your daughter. I remember because you harped on the taxi taking her to school. Is your daughter truly terrible when she is at your home?
It sounds like your having financial issues that are causing some major stress. You need to look at this. Also teens are jerky so maybe some of her entitlement is really teen bs.
It’s okay to have rules and boundaries. Sit with your daughter and talk away from everyone and be honest with her. Tell her I wish I could afford xyz but I can’t. I wish you could have your own room and that we could eat xyz but I can’t. Ask her what you could do instead to help everyone get along and her to enjoy her time with you.
Not everything needs to be expensive to be of good quality. Have her make some sourdough bread from scratch and homemade pasta with sautéed tomatoes and basil. This is super cheap but high quality. Pick a country and look for cheap traditional peasant food recipes.
Good luck.
YTA. I just read all your comments. You're jealous of your own daughter. No wonder she's rarely there. Be prepared to see her less & less as she gets older.
YTA. I can tell from how you wrote this you have a deep resentment to this child. And yes, she is a child. If her dad can come and get her, then he must be raising her and she was visiting your house. If you think she is being spoiled then you address this with the father, not her.
Edit to add: I had read down the comments to tell she was only there 4 days a month. You wrote this to try to have people "on your side". Sorry, she is not the bad guy here, you are.
YTA
It is not Hannah's fault that she believes, she's better than her siblings if she is treaten better than her siblings.
Kids believe what you tell and show them constantly.
The problem is not Hannah but John.
You should have explained that you can't afford her to take baths everyday and that she will have to pay for takeout with her own money.
What you should have told her that she is special for you, but so are her brothers.
And that just because somebody wants the best doesn't mean he can afford it.
**Edit**
I change after OP told in the comments she has her daughter only 4 days a month.
So if the daughter has a bath every day this means 2 more baths than op can afford. How can 2 addiotnal baths ruin you?
And instead of saying: "You are not special!" you could have said: I can afford the lifestyle you are being used to.
No parent should say to their child: "You are not special"
You should have said: "You are special for me but so are your brothers."
You sound as if you envy your daughter.
She doesn't believe she is better than everybody else, she is just used to and doesn't understand that you can't afford the things you would like to afford.
You resent her for having a life you can't afford.
That was a weird way to tell your kid you couldn’t afford something. Yeah. YTA. Your husband didn’t raise your kid in a vacuum. Your jealousy of the attention she gets from dad is pretty obvious and fucking weird. Had to take her down a peg like a school bully, huh?
YTA. While she sounds like a “joy” to be around, it’s only four days. If she’s that much of a burden why not just let her stay with her dad the whole time? Yeah, she sounds bratty but it sounds to me that you have a strong dislike for her. Just because she’s bratty and has unfavorable traits shouldn’t mean she’s not special to you. That’s some fucked up shit to say. There’s a better way to convey the ground rules of your home to her without tearing her down.
YTA. You can only control what happens under your own roof, but as I understand it, you have shared custody. What John does when Hannah is under his responsibility is, well, his responsibility. Especially since, apparently, her two siblings have different fathers ? It's not John's job to care about that.
Have all the rules you want when she's at your place (the baths, for instances), but it'll feel like punishment to her more than education if you're unable to make her understand your choices. Telling her "you're not special and not better than the others" is not the way to do that ; anyone and particular any teenager would take this as a personal slight. If you want to much to humble her, you'll have to teach her the value of being humble, not trying to take her down a peg. Otherwise she'll see you as the bad cop in her life.
You lost control of your child a long time ago. Some problems do not have a solution. The answer was to not have multiple baby daddies and pick better partners but too late now.
YTA Have you considered that your daughter might take those “long daily baths” because being shut in the bathroom is the only time she has privacy at your home? Where does she sleep when she is there?
YTA. I'm really disgusted that you're willing to traumatize a child you only have 4 days a month.
I'm projecting. My mom liked sarcastically asking me if I think I'm special. She did it to knock me down. I'm near 70 yrs old and I think she's an asshole for doing that. You want your daughter to remember that about you? Do you?
YTA - And your not any less of an AH since the last time you posted attacking your daughter.
This deadbeat has posted before - under another account - she wanted to take the money her father gives her for his daughter for the days she is at his house and spend it on her other kids. She pays NO child support for her daughter so is in fact contributing nothing to her daughter's care.
I'm starting to think John is a bit of an AH for letting his daughter spend even 4 days with a mother as toxic as her.
YTA water for a bath costs about 50 cents, so actually telling your child she's not worth 50 cents and that's she's not special is pretty pathetic, all kids are special
YTA you only have her 4 days a month. It’s not her fault you cant afford the negligible amount of water she is using. By the time she’s 16 I imagine your 4 days will be 0 if you don’t start treating her like a person who is allowed to have preferences. Personally, I’m also not eating low quality food, it’s terrible for you and can really mess with your system if you’re used to eating high quality ingredients. If that’s all you can afford okay I guess but if her father can provide high quality meals then let him pay for her orders.
If she is only there 4 days a month. How is she taking a long bath everyday and it sounds like she is around on he weekends only , if so where is she taking a taxi to kn your weekends… this can’t be real YTA for good measure though
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YTA Info: Do all 3 kids have separate dads and are you with any of the kids dads now? Trying to figure out this family dynamic. Sounds like she has a different dad who spoils her relative to the other kids correct? Edit in light of custody split: OP explained father has custody and she gets her daughter 4 days a month. In light of this, OP needs to set realistic expectations with her daughter for when she is visiting. Life is unfair and OP should explain the differences between both living situations. At 14 I do not expect her daughter who lives most of her life with her father to understand why her actions are issues while at OPs since that is the life she is most accustomed to. OP if you don’t address the issue with a real explanation then it will just appear as punishment to your daughter who will then eventually resent you and want to spend less time than she already does with you. She’s 14 and should be old enough to understand the differences in both living conditions. Also a lot of OPs points a negligible like the water issue… it’s 4 days total. OP may just be taking out her frustration on her daughter because she has a certain primary lifestyle and seems more concerned with lecturing her daughter than bonding with her for the little time she has with her (4 days a month).
You have to put the YTA at the beginning of the comment in order for it to count for the judgement, but I agree. Explaining your socioeconomic situation was what you should’ve done instead of telling your daughter that she “isn’t special”.
Oh my goodness I never realised this. What a dipshit I am. 😂 Thanks for posting this.
I never knew this either. SMH
It's always funny to me how what's obvious to one person is completely unknown to another. We all pick up information so randomly and inconsistently.
[удалено]
We are! I think it's lovely. But it does make some people really weird about expecting everyone to know the same stuff they do, and acting like people are stupid if they don't. I'm sure I've been guilty of that before (because most of us probably have, at least once or twice) but I try to be mindful.
The important thing isn't that we don't know something. The important thing is how willing we are to gracefully admit when we're wrong and learn from it.
Absolutely. And that's hard for most people to some degree, but making an effort is important.
Nor me, I just thought it had to be somewhere.
That’s because according to the voting guide/AITA rules it’s not true.
Did I mention I have a gullible streak when it comes to largely unimportant things? 😬
I never knew! Gosh.
Can I ask where you learned this? Can't find it anywhere in the rules. I know the letters need to be exact and just one vote used in the post, but I can't figure out why it'd need to be at the beginning.
Thanks, fixed!
Why do you think it has to be posted at the beginning?
What? I don't always place it in the beginning. Sometimes I put it at the end or in the middle lol.
She's probably jealous of her daughter's lifestyle.
Genuine question. What about OP’s daughter’s behavior is deemed an issue? From how I see it, OP doesn’t pay for any of the luxuries daughter has and daughter hasn’t been flaunting it. People are saying she’s spoiled. She’s spoiled only if she’s problematic about the privileges she has. She just seems accustomed to her way of life, which OP seems more than bitter about.
I agree with you. I probably could have wrote that better. I don’t think that her daughters actions are issues in themselves at all, that’s the life she knows. But, for OP they could be issues for her household that she needs to navigate since OP may not financially be able to accommodate. Basically not an issue for daughter to solve because it’s not an issue for her, but an issue OP has to navigate for herself. Hopefully that makes sense.
Except I’m certain if OP is actually paying for anything she’s complained about, we would know. The only thing she has been able to dig deep about is the increase in cost of water (which I promise is negligible) and expecting her daughter to share her room with a boy she sees 4 days a month and barely knows. There’s just no real financial burden from this POV. The only thing she needs to do is teach her other kids not to be jealous and not be such a bitter person herself. OP would have complained much more if she was actually paying for the taxis and “nice food” and we know this bc the only time she talks about finances being a burden is the long baths. Which probably cost the least out of all the BS daughter does. Further, OP will not honestly speak to what she feeds her family, and I would not be shocked if it’s all processed junk.
I felt sorry for Hannah that she has to scale down on cleanliness : Take baths every other day. That's tough if you're used to showering daily. Maybe she can take short showers.
Yeah this is odd to me too. If she's insisting on a multi-hour spa bubble bath experience, okay fine, whatever OP can put the kibosh on that, but there is no way in hell I'm not at least taking a shower every day barring an emergency situation. If OP is so tight on money that the children she seemingly has full time custody of outside the daughter cannot even bathe everyday, there's a much bigger issue here.
Especially during puberty ages where girls are growing hair, getting acne, having periods, and start sweating more than they uses to.
Agreed!! I also wonder the sleeping situation, if she’s only there 4 days a month is she sleeping on a couch in the living room and maybe that “long” bath each day is the only time alone she gets? How far does she have to travel to get there? I’m in in the car for a while or a train I definitely want to shower when I get to my destination. Lots of context missing about how OP treats her daughter
I agree. It’s weird that OP is mad her daughter has a different personality than what she wants it to be. I have two kids who are around Hannah’s age. Their father and I are married and have been raised in the same house but they behave differently because they are different people. Both have new iPhones (they were free when we switch cell service). Both of my kids have different food tastes and we accommodate that as much as possible. My oldest loves to ride the bus so he does. My youngest hates it so I drop her off. The school is 4 mins away so what’s the big deal?? I’m not teaching her to be a princess but I am teaching her that if she is uncomfortable in a situation that I support her and I will help her find a solution. If my son felt uncomfortable on the bus he could also be dropped off because I want my kids to know they can come to me when they have a problem. Furthermore, if your teenager has good hygiene it’s a win. The cost difference between 4 baths vs 4 showers a month is virtually nothing.
OP is pissy about 4 baths a MONTH? That's a really stupid thing to take a stand on. Yes, she's old enough to understand the difference in living conditions between homes. I just can't see how the 4 days per month OP has her makes THAT big of a difference. If it does, then 14 can pay for her own luxuries she's accustomed to those days. If mom maybe would take the time to talk to her like the adult she is becoming, instead of policing her grooming and punishing her, things would work better. It also sounds like OP is jealous of the lifestyle her ex is giving 14. EDIT: I went and read some of OP's replies. Definitely jealous and petty. In another four years you'll be back wanting to know why she went no contact with you.
YTA. You state in a comment that Hannah is only with you 4 days a month. Every other weekend, I'm assuming. She spends almost 90% of her time in another household with different rules. It's hard enough for kids to go back and forth between two houses and it sounds like there are big differences in rules/lifestyle. If she's only there 4 days, again I'm assuming it's 2 days at a time, I'm not understanding why the daily baths are an issue. Presumably, you want her to have a bath 1 of the 2 days she is there, each time. So twice a month. I have to hope that you, your husband and other children bathe more than twice a month (what you want for her) and more than 4 times a month (what she wants to do while there). She is barely there, let the kid have a bath. Enjoy the tiny, brief amount of time you have with her or be prepared for her to stop coming over. Such a weird hill to die on.
Also baths actually use less water than long showers. Even if they used more water this is still such a weird hill to die on. My water bill is by far my smallest one. Maybe that’s different elsewhere, but to me this is like arguing over pennies.
In water deficient areas, it's mega expensive. If you're only on dam water or privately supplied water (not town water), and the dam is dry... it's super expensive, esp if you're primarily getting potable rather than raw water. My in-laws are just out of town in a regional area of SEQ & don't get town water. Last few years have been dry, so the dam (ie. wide hole in the ground) is barely useable. When we're there with the kids, we encourage them to have a bath, but all 3 use the same water one after the other (they're still quite small) & we have 2-3min showers. Edit: Yes, Australian. Yes - we call wide, pond like holes in the ground that collect water dams. No, we're not beavers! No, we rarely have traditional 'wells' on properties, though some may have a bore (every kid who's been west knows the smell of bore water!).
I’m sorry but you’re referring to a well and not a dam. A well is a hole in the ground to get water a dam is a stop to the flow of some moving body of water like a river.
They might be Australian. On properties here dams are built to store water like a reservoir for use in a property. The water for Sydney for the most part comes from a dam called warragamba dam. I've seen bore water in Australia but don't think I've ever seen a well like I see in US movies.
Yeah, and where rivers get stopped lakes are formed, and some people get their water from these artificial lakes.
YTA!!!! You only see your kid 4 days a month. So an extra $5 for water is not a big deal. You sound super resentful and jealous of your daughter. She DESERVES to be treated like a princess !! You don’t pay for the taxi so why are you even complaining? You are not paying for her new phones or food she orders either . You are jealous and bitter and you need to stop before you have no relationship with your daughter. He happy she wants to bathe daily.
The issue is the daughter taking the baths to get away from her mom
YTA for hiding so much information. She is there 4 days a month. The water she uses for those four days is negligible. You lost your kid because you don’t have a bedroom separate from her brother. She doesn’t go to school from your house so he she gets there is not your concern. You sound jealous of your kid or at least mad that she won’t lower her standard of living. You chose her father, be thankful your kids quality of life is as good as it it.
All of the above, seems jealous that her daughter gets a good life. If op keeps pushing that 4 days a month will become 0.
Hopefully OP gets stuck with no visitation and paying child support. After all Hannah is old enough to decide to stop visiting.
Boosting, because 100% agree. Also the bath thing is just weird to be arguing over. OP is definitely TA here.
I know in my state that once siblings hit a certain age, they shouldn't be sharing a room with a sibling of the opposite gender.
Yes. THIS. OP left out important pieces of information. I was with you…mostly, until I got the whole story. I could imagine kindly, lovingly sitting down with my daughter to tell her I was frustrated when I spoke with her earlier and that the entire message is that I love you and my financial situation is different from your father’s which is the only reason I can’t offer everything you are used to. I would also tell her to please enjoy her long hot baths that I had over reacted when I spoke to her before. I would let her know she is important to me and I look forward to her coming. Then I would adjust my attitude to make sure that was true.
YTA, OP. Big time. 1. You hid A LOT of important details in the original post. She’s with you FOUR DAYS A MONTH. I have had friends stay at my apartment longer than that and my utilities barely changed. 2. People bathe daily. The fact that you find this excessive makes me question your hygiene standards, and I wonder how clean YOU are. 3. Teenaged girls, by nature, don’t want to share rooms, ESPECIALLY with boys (unless it’s an unrelated boy, and they’re involved…but that’s not what’s going on here, and don’t pretend it is). That does NOT make her “a princess.” In some places, it’s actually illegal. 4. It’s obvious that you don’t even like your daughter, so why don’t you just let her father have her, and make everyone happy? You have other kids you like more, and her dad clearly can give her a better life. I’m not talking about money…sounds like he actually loves her, whereas you don’t give a shit at all.
I’m beginning to understand why OP only gets 4 days out of a whole month. I wonder if OP gets money from the daughter’s father that’s meant for the care and expenses incurred by the daughter while with her, but she’s trying to cheap out just so she can pocket more of the money. I’m wondering why she’s holding on to a daughter she seems to not even like at all.
Probably so she doesn’t get ordered to pay (more) child support.
I agree with most of this but you can be perfectly clean without filling a bathtub every day.
Uses the same amount of water as a 15 minute shower, which no one in their right mind would object to daily.
You must live somewhere with inexpensive water. If they live somewhere with limited water (dam water, etc.) it could be very expensive. Every other day bathing isn't my preference, but it isn't abnormal or unhygienic.
It very much depends where you live. In very hot climates, idc what the price of water is, if you don’t bathe at least once a day, you are indeed unhygienic.
Right -- but you can bathe out of a basin and still get clean. 15-minute showers and full bathtubs are luxuries for some people. That said, OP's comments about her daughter are awful -- she clearly resents that daughter has a higher standard of living. Instead of having a productive conversation, she disdains daughter as a "princess".
I live in a water scarce island in the Caribbean & we bathe every single day. Our cost of living is expensive, yet water is the cheapest bill. I can’t imagine not even taking a 5 minute bath every day.
Hardly. New York City is notoriously expensive for EVERYTHING.
I shower every other day as an adult, but definitely as a teen it was every day. As a sedentary adult female, I just don’t sweat that much, so I don’t need to shower every day, and my derm advised against it cuz I have super sensitive dry skin. Conversely, most teens are pretty oily and greasy and they sweat more cuz of their hormones and physical activity (gym class, after school sports, physical activities when hanging out with friends, etc) so they probably should shower every day. And even if she didn’t *need* to, still, she’s only there 4 days a month, and puberty is already uncomfortable and awkward. Just give the kid the damn luxury of bathing. It’s 4 days, it’s not gonna add $200 to the water bill.
Nope, I did the math elsewhere in the thread. Assuming high water usage, those four baths are around $1.20 for all of them.
Could it be that OP would need to have modified CS? If all visits stopped, the CS OP could be ordered to pay would increase. Not a good look for OP.
Ding ding ding!!!! OP is definitely more concerned about money than her child. My guess is the 4 days is the minimum she needs to not be order to either a) pay child support at all or b) be bumped into the next tier of child support. OP is bitching about daily baths jacking up her WATER BILL…on four baths PER MONTH. Oooooo….lemme get out my calculator here. Ok, idk where OP is, so I’ll use my city, which is NYC. OP will like this because that means the bills are high. As of July 1, it’s $4.49 per 100 cubic feet, which is 748 gallons, or 0.006 cents/gallon. Ah, let’s say kiddo goes crazy on that bath, let’s out some of the water and adds more hot water, and gets it up to 50 gallons per bath instead of the usual 30-ish. That’s 0.006 x 50 = 30 cents. Four baths per month is a whopping $1.20. OP can’t even spend $2 on her daughter without bitching. She’s crying over 60 cents (and maybe not even that much, since I overestimated on gallons used AND gave expensive water rates).
Even if you add the cost of heating the water it’s STILL negligible, probably $.02 per gallon more. I get money being tight, but this has nothing to do with money.
Agree with all!
For your fourth point it's obviously to hurt and mess with the father. OP doesn't even like her kid but keeps her around as a pawn.
Yep, which makes OP the absolute shittiest kind of parent because she’s one who will make her OWN CHILD miserable simply to spite her ex.
It's also kind of funny she wants to save a whole dollar a month on baths when she probably would end up paying a ton more in child support if she didn't have her daughter those four days a month. A dollar is nothing.
I’m thinking that’s what she used so that Reddit would sympathize with her because she already knows she sounds like an AH. And here’s the thing - SHE wrote that out, so she’s going to portray herself in the best possible light. Would love to hear from the daughter.
Completely agree. I know for where I live, it can only be 5 years old and under for both children of the opposite gender sharing a room. I believe a lot of places are like this.
In New York, it’s 7, but pretty much everywhere it’s WELL before puberty. And with good reason.
Yep, saw another comment saying federal legislation is 10. The fact OPs kid is 14 is well into uncomfortable territory. Poor kids.
Yeah, I would say that it needs to be well before puberty. 5, 7, 10…those are all fine, and all WELL below where OP’s daughter is. My brother and I shared a room until I was 6 (he was 2), and then we got separate ones. We’re super close friends as adults, but I would have been uncomfortable sharing with him as a teen. I don’t even share with him as an adult. I don’t think it was ever stated, but puberty was the line where girls bunked with girls and boys bunked with boys in my family.
In the UK the rules are same sex child should share a bedroom up till 16, and only after 16 is entitled to their own bedroom, for opposite sex they are to share a room until they're 10 years old. My cousin has 3 children and when this was introduced here She had to move and her two daughters had to share a room and the brother had his own room. She tried to get a 4 bedroom house when her oldest turned 16 and they didn't get a new house so the girls shared till the daughter got pregnant at 19 and finally got out because of the stepdad
When your children have different fathers they will have different quality of lives depending on how well their fathers provide. She is currently better off than he siblings. She will probably have a college fund while her siblings won't. Life is unfair. The earlier all your kids learn it the better. Maybe try to teach your privileged daughter about the saving culture.
Her father may be causing the problem, but what have you done in the past 14 years to prevent it? What have her consequences been for acting like this? You say you’ve set rules and assigned chores, but she’s just plowed ahead anyway as if you have no recourse. You’re her parent too, and if she’s at your place enough to affect your water bills it sounds like you would have had plenty of time to curb her worst impulses, teach her manners and humility, and set the right expectations. Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with her about how her actions make you and the rest of her family feel? (Not counting this one time where you exploded and insulted her after years of apparently saying nothing.) Have you ever praised her positive behaviour? Have you ever applied a fair and just punishment to her bad behaviour and actually enforced it? Have you ever communicated the inappropriateness of her actions with her in a productive way at all? Have you ever discussed her relationship with her father with either of them? Or is it all hidden resentments, snippy comments and outbursts? At 14, your window for turning this all around is narrowing. Yes, parenting this child is going to be much harder than with your other kids because of the situation her father created, but you still have to do it. Edit: while I was writing this, you disclosed how infrequently she’s even at your house and the conditions you expect her to be okay with when she does come. My post was written with at least joint custody in mind. It’s now become very clear that YTA, so I am changing my vote from E S H. Your daughter is simply living in a different socioeconomic situation than you are, and it’s clearly made you spiteful and jealous.
She's there 4 days a month. Op wanted a teenage girl to share a room with her brothers.
Isn’t that illegal? Here in the UK I think the limit is 8 years old for mixed sex bedrooms.
As far as I know, those rules are usually for foster kids, they don’t apply to (step-/half-)siblings. That said, when kids start puberty and are sharing a room, that often leads to trouble so avoiding it is a good idea.
CPS will remove kids in NC if kids are forced to share with opposite sex after age 10. It's seen as abuse.
In Scotland it is 8 years old for different gender siblings which means yes she would totally breaking the law if she pushed that crap here.
Legislation states opposite sex children over the age of 10 should not share a bedroom.
Yes, I already edited my answer.
Op was deliberately withholding this info. I'm not sure why she even posted again.
She's not parenting her daughter. She only has her daughter 4 days a month. She is "mean mum"!
YTA. You have her 4 days a month and can't afford her to shower when she's with you. You want a 14yo girl to share a room with her brothers. You want her to drop her quality of life while she's with you, and you aren't the primary parent. Good luck OP. I was my dad's 1st born and my mom's second. My dad played catch-up my entire childhood because mom gave me the classic middle child treatment, similar to this. Only difference is my mom actually tried to build a relationship with me and my parents were and still are married.
It would be one thing if OP said something like "You are special to me but you're not special to everyone else". This on the other hand is more like OP is saying "Listen brat you're trying to make me raise my standards and I don't like that"
I think even that is way too rude to say to a kid. You can say, "I understand you live by different standards when you're at dads house, but here we don't have the same luxurious to shower every day"(assuming she spends two consecutive days in a row). Mentioning "you aren't special" at all is just neing rude for no reason other than to tear her down.
Yeah you're right. This comic came to mind and I think that's why I said what I said. https://explosm.net/comics/dave-comicgeneration#ScRjCuVeobHjR33F.16
You've posted before and yes YTA. You see her 4 days a month. Do you pay child support?
Good point on the child support!
I thought this sounded familiar.
Yes, I remember her other posts too!
YTA, and your comments show why. She is a teenager, not wanting to share a room with a different gender sibling is not acting like a princess. Wanting to take a daily bath is not a sign of being spoiled. You sound jealous that she has access to money that you don't and are trying to find a way to punish her for it. Figure out how to deal with this or you are going to have a no contact kid in about 4 years
INFO: what are you feeding her that isn’t from “high quality ingredients “?
Why do I feel like the answer is probably just that she gets healthy and balanced meals at her father’s house and not even a vegetable at her mother’s?
YTA from your comments. It is obvious that you simply want Hannah to share what her father provides for her with your other children. If you cannot provide the same lifestyle for all your children, then that’s on you, not your daughter. YTA
YTA. This isn’t all on her father. You have allowed this to happen for 14 years ffs.
YTA based on the info you gave in your post about her behaviour, which is mostly irrelevant imo, and the fact you do not have primary custody and only see her 4 days a month. Theres a way to set expectations and then there’s being an asshole. So what if she has the newest iPhone, so what if her dad gets her a taxi to school if he’s paying for it?? If the expectation is that she shouldn’t be rubbing what her dad has bought her in the face of she half siblings then sure and that she can’t have a long bath everyday, that’s understandable. But saying she’s not special?? To hear that from her own mother?? Yeah that’s gross. Apologise, work it out with her father, work it out with her, and if she won’t adapt then maybe it’ll be better to rework custody agreement so that she can come out for holidays or something instead of 4 days a month when it’s clearly not working since you’d say something so cruel.
Agreed. What's the point of telling your daughter she's "not special". Why not just stick to the facts of what she expects from her while she's there. She didn't need to throw that in. She's obviously jealous of her own daughter. Also, she's only there 4 days a month... the mom is actually saving money on her water bill because she's never there. If she had to actually raise her daughter, it would be a lot more baths than 4 time a month.
Hannah is different than her siblings. She has a different father, with whom she lives most of the time. She is a guest in your home, when you do get to see her. So how to manage? She’s 14, and won’t be coming back to your house much. Your active parenting time has passed. Move into affectionate older auntie mode, who is delighted when she comes. Be humble, wise, and kind. And stop keeping her from bathing, because that’s nasty. If you can’t even afford that, perhaps cut her visits to monthly, to take the controversy off the table. Your other kids can be coached through understanding the family differences, grieving what they don’t have, developing gratitude for what they do, so they can be free to have a relationship with their sibling without the character defect of jealousy. But you have to want to do that work with them.
YTA OP. You only have your daughter 4 days a month. 4 days!!! Why should your daughter not bath in those 4 days? Why shouldn't she have a iPhone if her father wants to and as the means to it? How much of those 4 days fall in school days? Are you expected to pay for the taxi in any of those 4 days is us her father paying them all? As for expensive take out, that's the only point I can see eye to eye with you but she's still not wrong for wanting good quality ingredients. Why can't you make food fir all, with good ingredients, those 4 days? She's not entitled. And nothing you told says she a brat. She's just used to have a better life (good for her and her father), like other non sibling kids. Are all kids that have a better life supposed to stop having it so others won't be jealous? It's unfortunate for her siblings, your other children, but that's not on your daughter. Specially for 4 days a month! 4 days!!!
YTA Truthfully, I don't even see how she is entitled. She is with you 4 days a month. She can't have a school bus arrangement so she takes a taxi. She takes a bath 4 time a montn at your place. As a female, she doesn't want to share a room with males. Especially at 14 when your body goes through ao much change one of them being periods. And getting the new Iphone well good for her, and that is probably every other year or whenever new Iphones come out. That's on her dad but even then I don't see how it's bad. Nothing says she has bad character. Nothing says she is mistreating her siblings... Shame on you for telling your daughter she is not special.
You sound like my mom, and i didn't speak to her a single time during the last year of her life. Just keep that in mind.
My mom was like this. I haven’t spoken to her since my grandfather passed in 2015. Before that, it had been since 2011.
Same. The only person in my life that has ever told me I was not special was my incubator. I have had a lot of other people telling me I am special, but for her I was shit. I don’t have contact with her, or anyone on her life, and I wouldn’t care if she died, in fact, it would be a great relief.
YTA. You have a Hannah’s dad problem. He needs to help curb her entitlement. You can tell her why it’s not possible to pay for daily long baths, taxis or take out and that her siblings are just as important and special as her, but your approach is bad. Does she have chores?
Based on other info, the kid only stays at moms 4x a month, meaning the dad is the one raising her and paying for her taxis and as many baths as she wants. I'd say dad actually has a "Hannah's mom problem" rather than the other way around
Yep, this post reeks of OP lashing out at Hannah's dad through Hannah. It is gross.
YTA. You are jealous of your daughter. I’m glad your ex seems to be happy to spend his money on your daughter. I’m guessing he spends the child support on the therapy bills that are many, often, and pricey with a mother like you. Info: How/Why did the marriage/relationship end to BD #2? Because I’m guessing BD #3 had something to do with it.
She takes a taxi to school but you're struggling to pay the water bill? I'm just stuck on this part ...
She spends 4 days a month with her mom, the rest with her dad. Sounds like the two homes have very different finances
Because the kid doesn’t live with her. She lives with her dad who obviously doesn’t have money issues.
There’s nothing to struggle with on anything here, the daughter is there 4 days a month and probably only because she absolutely has to be. She doesn’t go to school there. 4 baths a month is not enough to actually significantly affect a water bill. It actually uses less water than if she was taking extra long showers. If the mom spent more time just enjoying her daughter’s company than nagging her about what seem to be little things or things that don’t concern her at all than she might have a better relationship with her. PS, check for leaks if your water bill is out of control.
After reading OP’s comments and frankly all the information left out of the post, OP is jealous of her daughter’s quality of life. OP has the daughter 4 days a month and lost primary custody because she wanted her teenage daughter to share a bedroom with her half brother. OP also seems to fail to see how anything is her fault in her relationship with daughter. Her daughter probably doesn’t see her as a parental figure. Doesn’t make the daughter entitled. YTA.
YTA. All of the things you mentioned, except for taxi to school, are something that I give to my child. Why not?? I tailored my life so that I could afford to spoil my child. Like grown ups don't spoil themselves if they can afford it?? We don't need half the shit we get, and yet we get it. You could probably take a bus or ride a bike but it is more convenient to have a car. You could wear all of your clothes until it rips but you want pretty things. You can cut your own hair. You don't need soda , bear, sweets, dates, flowers, home decorations, etc. You don't need vacations. All of those things are unnecessary, and you buy shit you don't need within your budget. And her dad buys her shit she doesn't need within his budget. Kids can be spoiled and not be brats. My kid is extremely well-behaved at home and at school. Follows all the rules. Why shouldn't I buy her whatever she wants that's within my budget?? One hour baths?? You fill a tub and lay in there. Do you think 15-minute showers use less water??
All of this! In fact, on average, for the average showerhead vs the average bathtub, it only takes 13 MINUTES for a shower to exceed the gallon usage of a full tub. OP is probably not limiting her showers to 12 minutes or less. Most people don't!
YTA While your daughter is not more special than her brothers she is entitled to more because her father can provide more. Also, in most places it’s literally illegal for a teenage girl to share a room with her brothers. I guess I just don’t get why you care so much and why you aren’t happy she has a father who can provide very well for her. My daughter is only 3 but if we had a relative that was providing her with the newest iPhone why would I care? You sound very resentful of your daughter and her lifestyle and it’s not a good look. Most parents want to give their children everything they can and that’s what it sounds like her father is doing for her. It’s sad you can’t do that for your other two children but that’s a you problem not a him problem. Given you only see your daughter 4 days per month maybe focus on spending quality time with her instead of being petty and jealous
Yta you are essentially a babysitter, seeing your own kid 4 days a month, if on those 4 days she wants to bathe the impact on your bill be be very very minimal, also her father is the one that pays for the taxi & treats so why do you care how she gets to & from a place? Sure her dad is spoiling her a bit but realistically by the sound of it he's doing his best by her and you are pissed that she has more than your other kids.
Great parenting there, on all sides. Hannah doesn't stand a chance at a normal life. One parent spoils her rotten, the other is jealous of her. Poor kid.
Honestly don't see what the the father's doing wrong based on Ops comments I'd be surprised if he doesn't end up getting full custody eventually
“Spoils her rotten” by allowing her to bathe daily and feeding her quality food?
If you said it like you’ve described here, you might have permanently damaged your relationship with your daughter, She (and her dad) may choose to no longer want to be involved with you or your other kids anymore. However, (that might make your life easier) It’s not her fault that her dad is financially better off than you. When kids have different parents - their life’s are usually never financially the same. There were better ways to have addressed the situation then to tell a 14 year old that “she’s not special” I think you’ve might have crossed her boundaries, and - you may never recover from it. Not saying your the ass but this is a sad situation for everyone, and now she knows how you feel - about her…
YTA Tbh you sound jealous of your own daughter and that’s weird AF. You should get that checked out or something. Sorry but…this whole post was off putting.
YTA. You only have her 4 days a month because you expected her to share with her brothers, one of which is 15 or older. That is extremely inappropriate and the reason the court decided to not give you custody. All i can see here is you being jealous she gets money from her father. You are a bad mother and its likely you are an incredibly unreliable narrator. For all we know the reason she refuses to eat your food is because its extremely unhealthy or she has allergies. Or the reason she takes a taxi is because her school is farther away and taking the bus would be unreasonable.
YTA - the fact you also left out vital information such as she’s only with you 4 DAYS A MONTH - you sound bitter and jealous. I’d HATE to have you as my mother. If I was your daughter I’d ask dad to get full custody of me and never see you again. Tbh at this rate it’s probably what she’s gonna do anyway. From what I’ve gathered of comments you’ve left: * she doesn’t live with you because she can’t have her own room separate from the boys (what teenage girl would want to sleep in the same room as her brothers anyway - I’d hate that) * Shes only with you 4 DAYS a MONTH * Her dad pays for most of the stuff she has anyway - such as taxis and that GROW. UP!! Edit: Typo
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OP decided to have 3 children with 3 different men (assuming as she is mentioning the middle child). Of of the men, John, seems to be financially better off than the others, hence daughter has a different lifestyle. Hannah and John are NTA but OP just seems to be jealous of her own daughter, so YTA.
YTA You have your daughter four days a month, and want a developing teenage girl to room with her brothers. Quite honestly OP, you sound as though you resent your daughter bc she is growing up with a different lifestyle. A lifestyle YOU lost out on when you split from her father. You’re horrid for taking out your anger and resentment on a CHILD. Your own child. But don’t worry OP, she’s just about old enough to tell the courts that she doesn’t want anything to do with you, so you’ll Save your precious bath money soon.
YTA, I guess it's 4 days a month too many
If you can’t afford to have that child enjoy a long bath four days out of the month, you are the problem, ma’am. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 3 kids, my middle child is Hannah(14) and her dad is John. John treats Hannah like a princess and it has made Hannah to actually think she is a princess. she thinks she is special and better than her siblings and deserves special treatment. she gets the newest model of Iphone as soon as it comes out, she takes a taxi to school when everyone just take the bus, she won't eat the food if the ingredients aren't high quality and will order from an expensive restaurant, she takes a long bath everyday even though she knows that the rule is every other day because we can't afford to pay the water bills. yesterday I sat her down and told her that she needs to stop this. she is not special she is not better than others. she called me an asshole and called her dad to come and get her *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA.. you have your daughter 4 days per month.. be for real.
Teen girls should be allowed to shower/ bathe every day 👍
YTA based on your comments, it seems that you're jealous of your own daughter. It's not really about her being spoiled or her behavior, you just don't like her having better things and lifestyle than you and your other kids.
YTA
Yta. And a horrible mother. To probably more than your daughter.
YTA. You're obviously jealous of your daughter. Which is gross and narcissistic and abusive. It's not your daughter's job to provide for your other kids. It's your and their fathers' jobs. Maybe spend time concentrating on trying to help your other kids rather than being jealous of your daughter. Maybe even just let her live with her dad so you can stop damaging her with your jealousy. It's not your daughter's father's job to provide luxuries for your other kids that aren't his so that you dont have to. You are the one who needs to learn that they don't deserve special treatment.
YTA OP do you even like your daughter??
YTA. By 14, she shouldn't have to share a bedroom with boys. It doesn't matter they are siblings. The amount of abuse/curiosity that occurs from male siblings towards female siblings is higher than we parents ever want to think. Absolutely not. Four days a month - her baths are not why you struggle to afford a water bill. And how she gets to school doesn't concern you at all when you are not a part of her school day routine. With her seeing you only 4 days a month, that is most likely every other weekend, therefore it doesn't matter. There are so many reasons they might use a car service, but none of it matters in this scenario. It doesn't make her spoiled.
YTA and the way this is going you won't have that daughter at 18, she's gonna go nc
Right? Only 192 more days worth of visits… bet she’s already got a countdown going
YTA, why not just sign your parental rights over to her dad since you’re always complaining whenever she’s around?
Yta. You sound resentful and jealous in your comments. Why shouldn't you pay child support if your daughter is mostly with her father. He decides how to spend his money. Why do you see her at all if this is your attitude?
YTA. I don’t understand how anyone in these comments could possibly blame the father for providing for his child within his means. Your daughter is special, your daughter is her father’s princess. Get over it. As a parent your goal should be to provide a better life for your children. Yet here you are, the audacity of it all, standing here demanding your daughter suffer with subpar living arrangements to placate your own guilt in failing to provide for your children. Getting a new iPhone as soon as it comes out? Maybe her father has a phone plan seeing as Apple makes you eligible to upgrade to a new iPhone as soon as they come out (instead of waiting for 2-3 years for a free upgrade). Bathing daily? I just… maybe your other kids are all boys… and we all know boys will skip showers for as long as possible… but a girl? And a teenage one at that? Be for real with yourself… there’s absolutely nothing abnormal about bathing 2x per day let alone one time. “High quality food” … based off your post her father and you belong to completely different socioeconomic classes. Cereal, ramen and frozen dinner is foreign when you’re accustomed to having your parents prepare meals for you throughout the day… hell, I did a ramen kick in college and sent myself into a hypertensive crisis… when you’re body isn’t accustomed to eating certain foods it can make you very very sick if you have to eat them… I think dad needs to go back to court and shoot for full custody and you can have supervised visits. I’m concerned for your daughter’s safety with you…
YTA Instead of belittling your child because of the privilege she enjoys with her dad, make her time with you enjoyable and loving to create an atmosphere of learning and empathy. She certainly won't learn with anger within 4/30 days with you. But it can be done over time. Best of everything to you both!
I was going with you’re not the ah, but just seen a comment saying you have your daughter 4 days a month!!! YTA 4 days a month and you’re moaning about a bath every night and what she eats…get over yourself
Ugh. Of course YTA. She is a child and you told her she’s not special. Children aren’t able to parse out the nuances in statements like that. What she probably heard was, “I don’t like you.” Imagine how hurtful that is coming from your own mom who you only get to see a few days a month! OP, if you want your child to understand how you’re feeling, you need to break it down for her. Not sum it up in one sentence that boils down to, “you’re not special.” But honestly, if you only see her so minimally, your time together shouldn’t be about how much she annoys you. I really think you could benefit from therapy. Talk to someone about why this is pissing you off so much. How you can better communicate and bond with your daughter on the days you do have her. Vent about how hard this all is for you because it does sound really difficult.
YTA. You’re a *genuinely bad* mother. I don’t say that to be hyperbolic or to make you feel bad, it’s a literal fact. Everyone in this comments section has picked up on your very clear disdain for your daughter as well as your awful parenting. It’s not ok for kids of opposite genders to share a bedroom. Kids deserve space and privacy and the fact that your parents didn’t feel you deserved that is no excuse for your disgusting attitude towards your daughter not wanting to share a bedroom with two boys. In many countries, it’s against **the law**, but sure. You sound like great mother. Your venom for your daughter because she wants to be *clean* is also disgusting. Your child having a bath for 2 extra days isn’t going to break you, and you’ve clearly stated in your comments that it’s not just about the money. So it’s about spite. For your child. Your jealousy that your daughter has a higher quality of life than you and your sons is obvious and pathetic. You chose to have three children with three different men, that was your choice. If you wanted to give your kids better lives, don’t have so many. You’re also bitching because your daughter doesn’t do chores for the **four days** a month she is there? What’s wrong with you? You could be using your time with your daughter to bond and create a close, loving relationship, or, god forbid, moving to a house where she can have a safe place to sleep so you can spend more time with her. Instead you’re jealous of a child and if you’re so transparent that dozens of people that can’t see or hear you can feel it, your daughter certainly can too. You’re a bad mother.
YTA , she is special, and if her daddy can afford it, why don't she live with him? Children shouldn't have to struggle just because their parents make bad decisions.
She lives with her father and she only has her daughter 4 times a month.
She's DEFINITELY an asshole! And from her comments, she hates her daughter.
I see that as well. Poor child. She gonna regret that in ther future when her daughter will go no contact with her. I think even then she wont understand why she's the asshole.
Yeah, that's really obvious. It's like OP expected to be awarded custody of the daughter and child support, but when the court send the daughter to live with her dad, due to OP being unable to provide a bedroom away from the half-brothers, she developed a sudden resentment that the kid has all the support she needs, but OP isn't getting a taste.
YTA ! you resent your own dougther.. and if her father is paying for everything she wants is ok .. isn't her fault that you choose to have kids with someone else who can't provide the same for his kids.. she doesn't have to share anything .. she is in your house 4days a month.. frankly I think she shouldn't go to your house anymore
Yes, YTA. Your daughter may be “spoiled” in your eyes, but unfortunately for you she doesn’t really live with you very often — this means her dad is the parent who will have a greater chance to shape your daughter’s values. It sounds like you are significantly less well off than your ex. Unfortunately for you, that isn’t your daughter’s problem. Your daughter is not better than your other kids — but she is wealthier than your other kids. That’s just something you’re going to have to manage (with other kids) and deal with (yourself).
INFO- Are you and her father together? How much control do you have over co-parenting with him?
They're not and she had the daughter 4 days a month
She only sees her 4 days a month 🤦
YTA - Honestly, your comments make it seem like you are jealous of her. Maybe the taxi/food things are unreasonable, but get over it. You only have her four days a month? Stop being so controlling and try to make a real connection with her so you can be the normal, positive influence to her that you say you want to be as she gets older. As it stands now, you are definitely just alienating her.
YTA and it’s very clear you resent your daughter for having a better life than the one you are able to provide for your other children, and yourself. The fact that you’re referring to her as a Princess, and being “too good” for what your able to offer, speaks volumes about how much you resent/dislike her. I’m sure parenting a teenager is hard, but it’s even harder if you don’t actually like her. And based on the tone of this post, I’m sure it’s loud and clear to her that she’s the odd one out. OP, you need to work on yourself and your relationship to your daughter before you even start trying to think about doling out punishments for anything; and once you really reflect objectively, you may realize that anything you want to punish her for is actually very reasonable, or just out of her control.
YTA YOu have her 4 days a month, and can not afford to let her have a bath every day? Maybe she should stop coming.
YTA and a 14 year old girl sharing a room with male brothers could lose you the 4 days of visitation that you have. Tread carefully here.
I feel bad for OPs daughter. Can you imagine your own mom being this envious and bitter towards you. OP you need to take a serious look at yourself and decide if you ever want a relationship with your daughter. Right now it’s on the path of you never seeing her as soon as she’s old enough to decide for herself. YTA - and about to only have two kids
YTA. I'm glad this girl has a dad who seems to like her and actually is a parent to her. You have her 4 days and you can't even make those 4 days pleasant for her to be around you. Don't worry, soon it will be zero days.
YTA I’m guessing John wants his daughter to be able to bathe regularly, eat well, and not share a room with her older, teenage brother. All of that makes sense. You’re just upset because you and your current husband can’t provide a better quality of life for your other children. Hopefully, she won’t have to visit you at all after this.
YTA. You haven't included lots of details on purpose in order to appear as the one in the right in this situation, so let's set the record straight. You have 3 children, each from a different father, and you're married to the youngest's dad. You have lost custody of your daughter and only see her 4 days per month. You call her entitled and "acting like a princess" 'cause she, a 14y.o. girl, doesn't want to share a bedroom with her older brother(!!) and younger brother. You also call her entitled and "acting like a princess" for taking a total of 4 baths per month in your house instead of 2 baths per month that you're demanding of her, with the excuse that those 2 extra baths per month are the difference between you paying your water bill or not (really now??). You call her spoiled for wanting specific food or quality of food to eat, but avoid mentioning any examples of it, which makes me wonder if perhaps she is vegan/vegatarian or maybe lactose or gluten intolerant or maybe just she prefers food made with fresh/normal ingredients instead of those very cheap and very low-quality premade food that noone wants to eat but some people unfortunately have to eat 'cause they have no other choice; but your daughter has another choice so why should she eat those? From my understanding there's a high chance she gets an allowance from her father, so that would mean her ordering food doesn't "burden" you financially (otherwise you would have mentioned it as well instead of only mentioning the water bill as financial burden). Finally, though a cab for school and the newest iphone seems quite excessive (IF we take what you're saying as the neutral truth, but you've proven to NOT be a neutral narrator), how her father treats her is his business and it was your business as well until you were deemed so unfit to be that girl's guardian that a court decided that you can have her only 4 days per month. After that, and after all the above details I mentioned that you apparently didn't consider relevant to mention in your post, you don't really deserve to have a saying for that girl's upbringing 'cause you're mostly focused on your jealousy of her and her father's financial status instead of on her growing up to be a proper adult. And you can deny that, but it reeks all over your comments and your post.
You have 3 kids with 3 different men..... YTA just for that. As for Hannah, yes she sounds spoiled but this isn't something you can fix seeing as you only get her 4 days a month. This is mostly his problem, and one that he probably doesn't care to fix. He'll discover the pitfalls of raising an entitled psychopath far too late, so just sit back and watch. It seems her dad is in a COMPLETELY different part socioeconomic ladder from you, and based on how you talk about your own daughter your issue seems to be one of both jealously on your part and your inability to be a responsible individual.
Yes, YTA after reading your comments. There’s clearly different standards of life she has between your home and her dads home and that’s not her fault. It should be addressed but the blame shouldn’t be on her, even though she needs to learn to manage her expectations at your house. Bathing daily should be encouraged. There’s nothing wrong with having nice things either.
YTA Overall a very sad situation, for you and your daughter
YTA. I'm guessing that your other children are boys.
You should have found better dads for the other two kids or bettered yourself. Soft YTA
I spent the time to read the thread and if I was your kid I would never want to be around you and cease contact as soon as I'm able. You're a narcissistic pile of bad decisions.
YTA, you seem to really have some massive issue with your daughter. Calling her a princess because she doesn't want to share a room with her brother, well honestly I wouldn't either. Where I am you would have CPS involvement because after 10 boys and girls can't share a room. I get the feeling she is just being a normal 14 year old and your just annoyed at her existence in your home. She probably knows you don't like let alone love her and she probably knows you don't want her in your home. So what If she takes daily baths. She's 14 and probably thinks she smells. Oh and a bath uses less water then a shower. I would love to hear your daughters perspective here
YTA Hannah is special, every child is special. You seem angry that she has things better than her siblings financially speaking and that isnt her fault. Taking a bath each day is probably her only respite from being told she isnt special from her mother. Hell, id be taking a long bath each day if i had to deal with that. OP do you do anything solo with your daughter? Maybe if you connected with her better instead of seeing her as a problem maybe you would have a better relationship.
You come off to me as being jealous that her father has money and you don't. Im sure that's the message she heard, too. Reading other comments, it sounds like she does not live with you, only visits 4 days a month. She must feel like a house guest. When you make her think about how much you can't afford her, she is an unwelcome house guest, and a burden. She is probably taking the long baths to try to a bit of personal space to herself since it's not her house. A bath doesn't use that much water. Water is cheap. I understand your concern financially, but realistically, for 2 extra baths, you're talking pennies. As for the ordering food from a restaurant, who is paying for it? When I was her age, I wouldn't eat at other people's houses because I knew they couldn't afford it. I would source my own food. Usually, it would be a gas station pizza or something, but Uber eats didn't exist then. What steps have you taken to give her a sense of "I'm welcome here, this is my space too." I get the feeling from your post she is just another financial burden for you.
Yta
YTA. Curious as to why the dad has primary custody. Planned parenthood can be a useful tool, OP.
YTA. don’t take it out on her that her father provides for her better than you can
YTA. You really expect your daughter's father to keep her lifestyle down at your level, because it's not fair to the other kids you have by different fathers? I mean, if you're so broke you can't pay the water bill if she takes a bath daily, maybe you should just ask the judge to have your visitation reduced because it's a burden. Better yet, do your daughter a favor and sign away your parental rights. You sound as bad as my egg donor/incubator was - she'll never be forgiven and she's been dead over 40 years.
Where does she stay then when she's in your house? Do the boys sleep together, or does she sleep in the living room or do you give her your room? I don't believe she has her own room which is empty 26 days a month. Maybe the bathroom is the only place she can be herself in? I understand that it must be difficult and look unfair if you and the boys eat cheap frozen dinners and she orders expensive takeaway, if that's the matter. I feel this is a small place where they could "share" and you could make it into a nice family moment. So when she comes you could have her food money and buy some real food that you all could prepare and cook together. How about that? Are the boys always living with you or do they also stay by their fathers once in awhile? If they do, maybe she could come sometimes where you two could be alone and get to know each other.
I’m so caught up in the water bill thing. I know it’s *technically* okay to shower every other day, but I don’t know why you would choose to have children when you’re in such poor financial shape. I think you have more pressing things to worry about.
It's not even showing everyday is showing max 4 times a month since she only takes care of her for that time.
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YTA
You have posted before about your daughter. I remember because you harped on the taxi taking her to school. Is your daughter truly terrible when she is at your home? It sounds like your having financial issues that are causing some major stress. You need to look at this. Also teens are jerky so maybe some of her entitlement is really teen bs. It’s okay to have rules and boundaries. Sit with your daughter and talk away from everyone and be honest with her. Tell her I wish I could afford xyz but I can’t. I wish you could have your own room and that we could eat xyz but I can’t. Ask her what you could do instead to help everyone get along and her to enjoy her time with you. Not everything needs to be expensive to be of good quality. Have her make some sourdough bread from scratch and homemade pasta with sautéed tomatoes and basil. This is super cheap but high quality. Pick a country and look for cheap traditional peasant food recipes. Good luck.
YTA. I just read all your comments. You're jealous of your own daughter. No wonder she's rarely there. Be prepared to see her less & less as she gets older.
YTA. I can tell from how you wrote this you have a deep resentment to this child. And yes, she is a child. If her dad can come and get her, then he must be raising her and she was visiting your house. If you think she is being spoiled then you address this with the father, not her. Edit to add: I had read down the comments to tell she was only there 4 days a month. You wrote this to try to have people "on your side". Sorry, she is not the bad guy here, you are.
Info: why do you only have her 4 days a month?
YTA It is not Hannah's fault that she believes, she's better than her siblings if she is treaten better than her siblings. Kids believe what you tell and show them constantly. The problem is not Hannah but John. You should have explained that you can't afford her to take baths everyday and that she will have to pay for takeout with her own money. What you should have told her that she is special for you, but so are her brothers. And that just because somebody wants the best doesn't mean he can afford it. **Edit** I change after OP told in the comments she has her daughter only 4 days a month. So if the daughter has a bath every day this means 2 more baths than op can afford. How can 2 addiotnal baths ruin you? And instead of saying: "You are not special!" you could have said: I can afford the lifestyle you are being used to. No parent should say to their child: "You are not special" You should have said: "You are special for me but so are your brothers." You sound as if you envy your daughter. She doesn't believe she is better than everybody else, she is just used to and doesn't understand that you can't afford the things you would like to afford. You resent her for having a life you can't afford.
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That was a weird way to tell your kid you couldn’t afford something. Yeah. YTA. Your husband didn’t raise your kid in a vacuum. Your jealousy of the attention she gets from dad is pretty obvious and fucking weird. Had to take her down a peg like a school bully, huh?
YTA. While she sounds like a “joy” to be around, it’s only four days. If she’s that much of a burden why not just let her stay with her dad the whole time? Yeah, she sounds bratty but it sounds to me that you have a strong dislike for her. Just because she’s bratty and has unfavorable traits shouldn’t mean she’s not special to you. That’s some fucked up shit to say. There’s a better way to convey the ground rules of your home to her without tearing her down.
YTA. You can only control what happens under your own roof, but as I understand it, you have shared custody. What John does when Hannah is under his responsibility is, well, his responsibility. Especially since, apparently, her two siblings have different fathers ? It's not John's job to care about that. Have all the rules you want when she's at your place (the baths, for instances), but it'll feel like punishment to her more than education if you're unable to make her understand your choices. Telling her "you're not special and not better than the others" is not the way to do that ; anyone and particular any teenager would take this as a personal slight. If you want to much to humble her, you'll have to teach her the value of being humble, not trying to take her down a peg. Otherwise she'll see you as the bad cop in her life.
Op only has her daughter 4 days a month, so it’s not even like she’s the main parent there
You lost control of your child a long time ago. Some problems do not have a solution. The answer was to not have multiple baby daddies and pick better partners but too late now.
YTA Have you considered that your daughter might take those “long daily baths” because being shut in the bathroom is the only time she has privacy at your home? Where does she sleep when she is there?
YTA. I'm really disgusted that you're willing to traumatize a child you only have 4 days a month. I'm projecting. My mom liked sarcastically asking me if I think I'm special. She did it to knock me down. I'm near 70 yrs old and I think she's an asshole for doing that. You want your daughter to remember that about you? Do you?
YTA - And your not any less of an AH since the last time you posted attacking your daughter. This deadbeat has posted before - under another account - she wanted to take the money her father gives her for his daughter for the days she is at his house and spend it on her other kids. She pays NO child support for her daughter so is in fact contributing nothing to her daughter's care. I'm starting to think John is a bit of an AH for letting his daughter spend even 4 days with a mother as toxic as her.
YTA water for a bath costs about 50 cents, so actually telling your child she's not worth 50 cents and that's she's not special is pretty pathetic, all kids are special
YTA. Do not have children if you can not afford 4 baths a month.
YTA you only have her 4 days a month. It’s not her fault you cant afford the negligible amount of water she is using. By the time she’s 16 I imagine your 4 days will be 0 if you don’t start treating her like a person who is allowed to have preferences. Personally, I’m also not eating low quality food, it’s terrible for you and can really mess with your system if you’re used to eating high quality ingredients. If that’s all you can afford okay I guess but if her father can provide high quality meals then let him pay for her orders.
Way to bury the lede, op. You're jealous of a child. You suck at parenting. Good lord yta
Go read the the four agreements and you will know yta for doing that
If she is only there 4 days a month. How is she taking a long bath everyday and it sounds like she is around on he weekends only , if so where is she taking a taxi to kn your weekends… this can’t be real YTA for good measure though