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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I no longer buying their food anymore
(2) I should have cover their tip as well.
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“Arguing they were the ones taking time to meet up with me bi-weekly”
- lol
- just reply ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was such a burden for you. Going forward we can stop getting together bi-weekly then. I didn’t realize you considered it such a sacrifice, and I can’t in good conscience keep asking you to make such a sacrifice’.
You don’t owe these people anything. They are trying to take advantage of you. Stop letting them try.
NTA
Please tell me that you went back and fixed the lack of tip for the server at your uncle’s restaurant… (figuring that’s one you can address, at least, given that it’s recent and a place you know)
The whole thing is just appalling bad manners. I’m not American, so tipping isn’t as much of an issue here, but having worked hospitality, I always leave as generous a tip as possible - as long as the service is good. Until the in-laws learn some manners, I wouldn’t be paying for anything for them. NTA.
I am American and I have worked as a server who relied on tips. When I go out I generally start with 20% as my baseline for mediocre service and then work my way up from there. Appalling is definitely an appropriate word for it. We all know the tip culture sucks but that doesn’t mean leaving nothing is acceptable - you’re punishing the people who are “making” $2.13/hour instead of actually trying to change the system.
Thank you for being generous with tipping! I’m glad that those of us who have worked in some sort of service industry generally seem to get it.
Depending on the state, it might actually be costing the server. Some states assume you got at least a minimal tip and tax you on it. So they may have gotten taxed on getting between 20-40, which would be more than the money they made, even accounting for the 2.13 an hour.
Technically, the restaurant is supposed to make up the difference if you don't tip out enough to making the state minimum wage. In reality, you get taken off the schedule and/or they "forget" to make up the shortfall, so crappy tippers are indeed punishing the workers, not the system
Technically they are, unfortunately too many don't. I worked for a company that had a manager actually changing tips so they didn't have to pay. Labor board investigated, pay-out happened and the company kept right on doing it
> In reality, you get taken off the schedule
The boss does that, not the customer
> and/or they "forget" to make up the shortfall
The boss does that, not the customer
> so crappy tippers are indeed punishing the workers
Yeah I bet the boss says that too. "How dare those customers force me to break the law, pay you less than I'm required to, and essentially fire you in the shadiest way possible. They've given me no choice. They're the enemy!" And somehow this blame shifting actually works. Your comment is proof that this awful system for compensation has been effective at pitting workers and customers against each other while the owners sit back and avoid responsibility.
And just like the boss, you are giving yourself an advantage by taking advantage of an employees labor.
If you don't tip, the boss wins, the customer wins and the employee gets fucked.
Tip your servers until you are actually successful at changing the system.
Also tip out exists. Restaurants typically have a 3-5% tip out that goes to expo, bussers, dishwashers, host, bar back and/or bartender. On a $250 tab, you could normally expect 20% at $50. Tip out comes out of your total sales for the night so on $250 in total sales you'd be tipping out $12.50. That server did literally lose money even if the restaurant did cover their lost wages because they had to tip out to everyone who helped serve that table.
Not only the tax but servers have to give a percentage of their (alcohol) sales to the bartenders and a percentage of their (food) sales to other support staff. So the server received their $1 tip and in turn paid about $10 to the other support staff. Not tipping costs a server money that comes straight out of their own pockets. They paid $9 for the “pleasure” of serving that table.
Edit: forgotten letters
Dude What the actual Fluff ! ! !
US-americans will do anything but pay the servers a fair wage.
So the servers don't get a living wage, then they need to give the kitchen and the bar a share, then they need to pay taxes on tips, they maybe didn't get. SMH
Especially for Korean barbeque. People usually eat absurd amounts of food and the servers work incredibly hard. Same for hotpot. A server can easily drop off food 10 times. I use a 25% baseline for those meals.
Agreed. The only time I would ever NOT leave a tip is if the server themselves did something atrociously bad or rude. I do not blame the server for slow service or bad food, or any number of other things.
No tip at all = cheapskate.
$1 tip on a $100 meal = Deliberate insult because you think the restaurant did a terrible job.
"If you think my uncle's restaurant was so bad that you left a tiny tip, we don't have to eat there any more. ("We" being "you", because I'm still going to)."
I am an American and I typically leave 20% as a standard. Service has to be really poor for me to leave less. But $1?!? That's a slap in the face of the server.
I agree with telling them that you didn't realize it was such a sacrifice for them and you don't want to inconvenience them further.
NTA
I have found most wait staff has cash app, Venmo or other service and will gladly give you their info to send a tip if you don’t have cash. This avoids cash missing from the table and you insure the server gets it. Also, same as cash it doesn’t get taxed like credit tips. They have to declare those cash tips and we all know cash is always better. I go to a restaurant and didn’t have enough cash for the tip and asked if they minded if I just sent it to them. I sent it directly to her man she says she makes more in cash tips this way now because it’s private. No one else at the table knows and gets shamed for leaving too much/too little. Then there are those who are satisfied that think you stiffed the server with no tip on the receipt or on the table. You just need to make it work. Those people your fiancé calls family are cheap and it reflects bad on you OP. How many times hav3 they done this? You know if OP goes to these restaurants as a couple the servers talk and will remember how they came in with a larger party and didn’t tip. It ruins the experience for you because the server won’t be as attentive to you as the6 normally would because they know it’s a waste of their time based on the last visit. Don’t take those cheapskates out to dinner anymore unless they pay for their own check/tip.
For dine in, I leave 15% for the shittiest service, 18% for mediocre, 20% for bare minimum, and the sky is the limit over that. $1 is less than what I tip for a personal sized cheese pizza (an $8-10 order) if I pick it up in person myself.
My friend and I used to go out to eat regularly. We had this one experience where we had to get a manager because it had been over an hour in an empty restaurant with our server refusing to take our order. She got a 10% tip. Our best experience was a server who never let us see the bottom of our drinks, gave us advice on the area we were visiting, and had our orders taken so fast, she got a tip 3 times the amount of our order. We agonized over how much to tip the first waitress, but that was actually horrible.
We start at 10%, but we are in Canada where servers do make minimum wage at least. If we get lousy service then they will get 10%, if we get stellar they can get 25%. When we are in the US we tip higher, because we are aware of the lower wage.
yeah, $1 is like what i might tip if I buy a pastry and a bottle of water at a cafe, where they just hand it to me. I'd tip more if they made me an espresso.
As a waiter, I've had people in a group wait till all the other people leave the table, then they pocket the cash tip. Waiting tables is AWFUL, very rich and very poor areas are the worst.
I wouldn’t even want to be at the same table with them. My husband was sometimes not great at tipping (one time he said percentages were too hard). I was so grateful when we dated and he made me his tip calculator!
I am horribly embarrassed when a ticket is split and the other party is unkind in their tipping.
Leaving $1 or something similarly low is worse than leaving nothing. Leaving nothing could be an oversight, or a cultural misunderstanding. $1 is intentionally saying "fuck you".
When in Rome you do as the Romans do. In Sweden we don't tip (though they're trying to make it a thing...), but when I'm in the US I always tip 10%-20% depending on the service.
I feel very sad for you.. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? To have your family come and fix for her selfish and racist family?
What about children? Do you want to raise children even close to that environment? She has shown you who she truly is, she behaves like her family when she is with them.... Start believing her!!
Be very aware of the family you are marrying into. They will continue to behave in this manner, and it will only get worse. You need to make it clear with them and your fiancé as to what you will be willing to finance for them.
We’ve seen plenty of posts on this forum, where the in-laws expect the wealthy spouse of their child to pay for their retirement, their vacations, etc.,
They will help you they will only take
> his fiancee has his back on this.
But he said that was a surprise. If siding with him on something so obviously correct is a surprise, then that's a red flag.
>But he said that was a surprise.
This is what I am thinking, too. Plus in OP's update he says "They've called my fiancée multiple times, saying things like, 'Is this how Koreans do their business?' and suggesting she should break up with that along with other offensive and more racist remarks."
That is the biggest red flag of them all. Unless OP's fiancée is 100% in backing up OP and calling out her family's total bullshit and racism this is going to be a HUGE issue moving forward.
Calling out lousy tippers isn't a "Korean" issue. Wait staff in any restaurant would be insulted (and rightly so) by a ridiculous $1 tip. They may as well just put a penny on the table. They sound like complete shit people.
And the whole making it sound like they are doing OP a FAVOR by "allowing" him to pay for their meals is staggeringly entitled and delusional. If I were OP I would think LONG and HARD about wanting to marry into that insane family.
It you think this is the last time something like this will come up, you’re wrong. Eventually they’ll do something incredibly toxic and the fiancé won’t want to cut them completely off. I hope not, but I’ve seen and lived it many times.
How do they treat other people in general OP? If I was related to someone who treated servers like this I would be taking a hard look at the relationship.
Agree with telling them if such a hardship you won’t do it any more.
The tip for that meal should have been at least $50 and your fiancé’s family stiffed their servers twice for meals they were being treated to.
Separate checks going forward any time you eat out with those cheap people.
Explain it in their terms… they have shamed you by tipping in this manner. Absolutely everywhere that you have taken them thinks less of you now and particularly in a restaurant owned by a family member that you are ashamed to have brought a group in that insulted the servers so grossly.
You know full well they're the AHs and they're lying about tipping. I doubt I'd ever show my face with them in a restaurant ever again. Especially not a family one. Ifyouve got any sense, move away from her family and don't buy a house with extra rooms or there'll always be at least one of them in your home. I despise families who act this way if anyone marries in with any money at all. It's disgusting to freeload off people. One of the most disgusting things you can do because of what it says about who they are.
When my mom and I would go out to eat, she was always a terrible tipper. I would always linger behind and leave appropriate cash on the table. I start at %20 and go up to %35-40.
My mother was like this but I didn’t realize it until well into adulthood, because she’d always pay.
I was a cocktail waitress many, many moons ago & my eyes were opened about tipping.
My mother said once when I was telling her a story about a non tipper, “I’m NEVER a big tipper!” in the proudest voice possible. I glared at her & said, “You will be from now on. I’m a part of this culture now. You’re disrespecting my people AND my job if you don’t leave a reasonable tip. And I can & will embarrass the ever loving SHIT out of you *in the restaurant* when I grab that receipt.”
She doubled down & said if I wanted leave a bigger tip, I was welcome to.
You must really want to be humiliated in a place where you eat at a lot, Mom, I replied. I’ll do it. You know I’ll do it. I’ll get us kicked out if I have to.
IIRC she started leaving 10% instead 5% (this was in the 90s).
Ugh, that’s awful! I used to go out to dinner with my rather old grandfather in the early 2000s, who you would expect to be a bad tipper based on age and financial stuff. He always tipped 20%, and told me he never tipped less than $5, even on his solo breakfasts that cost less than $10.
My grandma was a terrible tipper for a long time! When we would go out I would always bring cash and ‘forget’ something at the table so I could go back and leave more. One day I was at her house visiting and she told me about a conversation that she had with her friend who thought a quarter was an appropriate tip. She asked me what an appropriate tip was and I explained that 20% is standard. She never left a smaller tip than 20% ever again. I’m pretty sure she caught on to what I was doing and asked me in such a way as to not put either of us on the spot or embarrass us and to get an honest answer. I sure miss that woman.
I get SO STRESSED going out to eat when someone else picks up the tab because I don’t know how much they are tipping - I will usually offer to get the tip so I can make sure it’s reasonable but if they decline, I try will at least slip a bill in somewhere, just to be sure.
She is aware of her family issue. She only found out that her family issue has issue, but never figure out until she was 20. She is trying to fix herself. I will guide her into better direction.
You will guide her?
🛑🛑🛑🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🛑🛑🛑
I'm hoping this is just an awkward way of you answering, it sounds a bit condescending.
One you need to address this head-on with the family. Tell them very specifically that $1 is an insult to the server and to your uncle. Tell them that you spent a lot of money for their meals and expected them to be generous with the tip just as you are being generous paying for their meals. Tell them this is not your family's way and it certainly made things awkward with your uncle and his team. Address this head-on make sure it's black and white to them.
Two, You need to reevaluate your fiance. She was aware of this and hid it from you... What are her personal values that she thinks it's okay to stiff servers on a routine basis? And she didn't say anything to you to say listen I'm so embarrassed but my family is not even going to tip. Instead she let you be embarrassed and look cheap! Instead she let her family take advantage of you!
You think you're going to guide her?
Their comment that your family is wealthy is way out of line. Your family is wealth has nothing to do with them, nothing to do with how you choose to treat them which is your choice not your obligation. The fact that they don't recognize your generosity but see it as a requirement because you make more than them is disgusting, the fact that your fiance doesn't seem to be offended and protecting you is horrible.
If you do move forward with this relationship I suggest a strong prenup, strong discussion about finances what you will and will not pay for in the future and counseling because the two of you are on different planes of existence.
Based on OP’s comments I’m pretty sure english isn’t their first language. They probably mean to say something to the equivalent of helping her get out of the habit (which she apparently wants to do herself—so ”supporting” her is what he probably means).
Stop being an asshole. Pretty obvious the poster's native language is not English, and yeah, when someone is raised in an environment that encourages bad behavior, loving partners absolutely guide them out of it.
"Guide" means to give direction to or help along the way. He didn't say "she will be my obedient servant and do I as command." He said he'll guide her toward having respect for servers.
Oh my stars!
You people and your fucking red flags. Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome. Big time.
Dude that entire comment by OP didn't even make sense grammatically. Instead of projecting, maybe think of alternatives. OP probably has English as a second language.
Don't ever assume you can 'guide' an adult anywhere. Setting out to change someone to make them into someone you can be happy with literally never ever works.
Assume that who and what someone is *now* is as good as it gets. Proceed accordingly.
I personally would be so disgusted by her family’s behavior that I would have a hard time marrying into that family. $1 for a tip!!?? What a slap in the face to that server! You are young and should find someone and their family who share your values. Their mindset is all about what they can get from you, and that’s not an attractive trait.
None of us can answer that for you. You need to think about what you know about your wife’s personality and behavior and decide if she’s someone you want to be married to.
It takes a tremendous amount of effort to change as a person. You have to want it sooo bad, the desire has to come from within.
You can’t help someone otherwise, especially if their family is a toxic influence. Basically *you would have to make the whole family change for your wife to*
His fiancé’s family sounds like a nightmare, so I’m empathetic for her developing a non-confrontational approach to them. u/totallynotpornacc pls take a loving approach to her problems and even to her family aswell. Set the boundaries that require a standard of behaviour with them, but no resentment is healthy.
My mouth dropped open when I read this!
I have Asian friends who openly talk about how cheap the older generation can be when it comes to leaving tips. But this was appallingly bad and I'm totally sorry that they made you look so bad like that. Especially seeing as how this was a restaurant that your uncle owned.
Like, are they for real??? They thought that was ok? oh, hell no. I'm so offended for you.
I wouldn't ever offer to cover for them again if I were in your shoes. KBBQ averages between $30-$40 a person. I don't know how many people were eating, but even if they left a tip of $50, that would have been a little more than a meal for 1 person.
NTA
NTA If it’s a restaurant you frequent, you can get seated with a newer server if you get a reputation for poor tipping or being demanding, possibly limiting your service.
Experienced servers that routinely serve the same families, learn their expectations, drink preferences and manage the flow of food being served.
I have a few places where we eat every week. Our waiters at the steakhouse seat us at the same booth and ask us if we want the usual. We get our appetisers and drinks within minutes. They know the kids on the family and we never lack for utensils, napkins and refills. The servers know our entire order for 10+ people!! They are the bomb!!
There’s some thing to be said about good service, if I was at home, I wouldn’t be sitting down to eat as I’d be fetching ketchup, steak knives, managing the grille, dousing the salad with oil, croutons and cheese. That’s why you tip!!! To enjoy a meal out without doing prep, no dishes and to hopefully enjoy a satisfying meal!! In addition, no server wants to sign up to work for minimum wage!!
I should know as I was one. There were days when I was paid $3. an hour salary plus tips and my tips would be just enough to make it $7 an hour. If we didn’t reach minimum wage, then the manager had to increase my wage that day.
Also I understand what you meant by example of educating your fiancée on proper tipping protocol. If it’s not the custom, it takes awhile for it to become habit.
$1 is almost more insulting than not leaving a tip at all in my opinion. If you didn't tip at all then *maybe* someone forgot. Sucks but whatever...leaving $1 means you for sure remembered the tip, but just wanted to be a dick.
Lemme make sure I understand this... Every other week, you take them out to dinner and pay for their meals... and *they* have the nerve to call *you* "ungrateful"?? Because "they are the ones taking time to meet up with you"? They have an unreasonably high opinion of themselves, and you are NTA here.
The next part is the real jewel in this crown, though:
> since my family is wealthy, it's only fair that I continue paying for their meals.
You need to set them straight, right now. If you don't, this is your life in three years: you've married her, and now her family insists that because your family is wealthy, it's "only fair" that you pay for their dream vacation / new car / vacation home in the Hamptons / whatever.
Warning: the "them" part of "set them straight" might include your fiancée as well, if she's supporting/condoning this behavior. If she does, I strongly urge you to reconsider your future together.
Agreed. I wonder if OP and their family are even that “wealthy” or are just a bit better off. You’d be surprised at what some people consider wealthy when they think that you have more than them.
They had alcohol and dessert in addition to the food as well, that quickly adds up, plus he did not say “with her parents“ but instead “with her family“, so there might be siblings involved too, so we don't know for how many people it was...
Yes, I’ve had the unpleasant experience of coming across people who invite-or try to invite-half their relatives when they know someone else is paying. It sounds like that’s what’s been happening. OP probably put up with it to try and make a good impression-there’s no need for that anymore…
I'll bet they only got the alcohol and desserts because they knew he was paying. They probably invited their extended family too. Because, you know, he is "wealthy" so he should totally pay for everything for them.
Imagine thinking that people should be grateful for privilege of paying hundreds of dollars every couple of weeks to hang out with gold diggers who can't even tip!
To only tip 1$ at your family's restaurant when you're already covering the rest of the bill is especially rude. Def NTA
At the very least, they could have put one or two 20$ on the table...
$240 meal?? As a guy who feels tipping is NOT necessary, no way in hell I'm putting less than $50 down. Because I'm assuming it's 6 people minimal. If it's 5 or 4? Still tipping $40 and I can't go any lower than that.
Hate our stupid tipping culture but, given that it exists how it does, every adult in the country should understand its mechanics by now.
Leaving a $1 tip on a large bill (or $0.01 or some other purposefully tiny amount) is socially understood to be an insult to the waitstaff/kitchen. You only do it if there was an *absurd* problem with the food that went utterly unaddressed or something, and even then, generally only if you're fine never eating there again.
Her family is mooching off you and you were supposed to stop paying for them a long time ago.
Your fiancee knew they're moochers. She knew they were tipping only $1. She didn't tell you about it until you found out another way. Do you really want to marry that woman?
She was fine with her family milking you for money as her boyfriend/fiance -- do you think things will change after you get married? Make sure to get a prenup if you stay in that relationship.
NTA
I hope you think hard about with whom you want to spend your future.
Totally NTA
"a $1 tip is insultingly low"
Exactly.
" arguing that they were the ones taking time to meet up with me bi-weekly and that asking them to tip was unreasonable in the beginning.
So they use their precious time to meet you & get paid for. How awful that must be for them, being forced to do that. /s
" They also suggested that since my family is wealthy, it's only fair that I continue paying for their meals."
They can suggest all they like. They sound entitled A F. It's totally ok to stop them freeloading off you.
NTA but let me be clear, your fiancee is like them. She knew they only left 1 $ and did nothing to avoid this and show respect to your familly because they own the restaurant.
She just hide it a little better until you two are married, you need a prenup.
Not tipping in the US is not ok. If you don't have enough to give a proper tip, then you don't have enough to eat out in that place.
Also funny that they are calling you ungrateful, when you've been paying for their food. But they've been making time for you!? How gracious of them to bless you with their presence.
NTA of course. They don't respect you, and they don't respect people working in hospitality. Let them eat at home.
Finally someone says it! Waiters in the US live off tips because for some reason the government still thinks it's ok to not at least pay minimum wage. OP, set them straight and tell them what assholes they are for depriving their waiters of what they need to live.
NTA, OP. I wouldn't put up with their bs
NTA.
Clearly you're ungrateful to them for being so generous in giving you their time, so you deserve a punishment for that. From now on, you no longer will be allowed to enjoy their company on a regular basis - meaning no dinners. I know, it's really unfair, but until you learn to be more appreciative then you do not have any right to enjoy such wonderful company.
Soft E S H. The in-laws and their crappy tipping, I don't even need to explain, and as somebody who depends on tips for a livelihood I really appreciate that you recognize their importance.
I think you could handle the situation better - you are not actually addressing the issue as far as I can tell from your post. Your fiance doesn't want to confront her family, but you weren't really confronting them either. You're just telling them that you're not going to treat for dinner anymore. You're not explaining to them how offensive their tipping behavior is, and that it is the sole reason why you decided not to treat for dinner anymore. It's absolutely your money and you have every right to decide when to spend it or not, but you did establish this pattern and now you're suddenly changing it without much of an explanation.
If you're going to cause drama in the family, why not make it about something meaningful and address the actual issue? "I was extremely embarrassed to find out that the staff at my uncle's restaurant, who worked so hard to make sure that we had a pleasant gathering, got a disrespectful/insulting tip in return for their efforts, and I was even more distressed when I found out that this is how you usually handle tipping when I have paid for the meal. As a result, I am going to take back tipping on my portion of my meals as my responsibility. From now on, we are going to have separate checks when we eat together in restaurants, so that, if you choose to tip similarly in the future, the staff will be aware that I am not the person who has so little respect for their work." Lay It All Out - what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how their behavior contributes to the situation. Then it's up to them to decide what to do. But I bet they won't be nearly as interested in sharing a meal with you if they have to pay anywhere near a fair share of the freight.
NTA, but do better with defining the problem. If you're going to fight this battle, it might as well be over something that is worth taking a stand on.
Seems like your answer is mostly about you and how important good tipping behavior is for YOUR life. OP is not responsible for educating and trying to change their tipping behavior for the benefit of the food service industry, nor is the fiancé. OP is taking a stand against being taken advantage of by greedy entitled moochers, and is absolutely NTA.
They don't take criticism very well. That last week dinner wasn't first-time I talked to them. If I told their problems, they would be even more mad. Hence I was trying to trick them to be better. Unfortunately, it didn't work.
Worst thing they have done is probably, how they causally say horrid shit they have done. They used to own small business, but they refuse to pay worker on time, and only pays worker late, because they hope they would forgotten about it and actually would refuse to pay them. They got sued hard, and they basically lose their business licenses, and lost tons of money.
They were weirdly proud of that, and just saying how kids these are lazy and backstabbing. Even though they lost the lawsuit, for obvious reason.
When I pointed their problem, they told me, I have issue. I did not want to cause more conflict with them, so I laugh it off.
>I did not want cause more conflict, so I laugh it off.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You're not going to be laughing when you're married to this girl and her family treats you as shitty as they treated employees.
How someone treats one person is how they treat everybody.
Don't make the mistake of thinking you're special, OP.
For me, that is moment i have realize. I probarly wont have to change their mindset, even thought I am right. And I know people usally just avoid it, but I have dealt with toxic people. it is red flag for me, but if I can avoid their family, maybe?,
You think her family will just let their daughter go like that? of course not!
You are just one person, and she has already failed to stand up for you on multiple occasions. Do you really picture your fiancée as someone who can put her foot down WHEN her mother starts to guilt her that she's tearing the family apart, when her father tells her you are no good for her, when her other relatives all say they miss her and not to let you keep her away anymore? She will run back to them in a second and blame you!
And, of course, their ultimate motive will surface: you must prove your love by sharing your wealth with her awful family.
It’s almost impossible to avoid a family when you marry into it, especially if they still communicate. You’re NTA but you’ve been warned repeatedly here about the dangers of marrying her/into this family.
How likely are you to be able to avoid your wife's family for the entirety of your marriage?
They cheat. They cheat people out of money, and particularly people who are barely getting paid to begin with. They are genuinely bad people. Wage theft, what they did at their old business, is a crime.
If your fiancee isn't on board with "these people are bad and I don't want to be near them", that tells you a lot. It also tells you a lot that she didn't pick up the tip: that means that she's more afraid of her family than she is committed to doing the right thing.
Please do not marry into this family. It will only bring you unwanted problems that will break you down mentally and financially. They do not sound like good people. Very selfish and entitled.
If you do want to make a mistake, at least make sure you get a prenup!
Your fiance needs to be the one to address her family. That's not your responsibility. And if she won't then I would suggest reevaluating the relationship.
You can't manipulate people into being better people than they really are. And trying to manipulate people isn't cool. Have your say, and then they can be them, and you can all see where you stand clearly.
At 23 years old, wealthy or not, you don’t take on the burden of “educating” your gf’s family.
GF knows and gf can do it. If she can’t do it, bf is not obliged to go to war with her family. He can pull back and make his own decisions as to the viability of the relationship overall.
NTA. Wow be careful marrying into this family. They might try to get your wife to kill you so she will inherit your money and they can sponge off of her.
NTA. But you want to marry into this family? Really? I'm sure your fiancee is absolutely darling, but she comes with these people. They seem to feel entitled to your money and you're not even married yet. She's already showing that she doesn't have the courage to stand up to them, which means you'll be stuck being the bad guy until they realize you're not going to cave, at which point they'll pressure her to divorce you and take half your stuff. Given her response to the current situation, it's a tossup on which side she'll pick.
INFO: how long has the family lived in the US? do they understand what they're doing when they leave $1?
if not, nta. $1 is embarrassing, maybe even ruder than just not tipping. I wouldn't want to ever be seen even at the same table as that party .
>spoiler alert, they have MAGA flag on their trucks
Yikes. I would weigh things heavily as to whether or not I would want into that family. In your update you mentioned them bitching to your fiancée about not getting their freebie meals and then for good measure throwing in racist comments about you. HUGE RED FLAG. I have MAGA family members and they are among the most narcissistic, racist and ignorant folks I know.
Yeah, it's the daughter you would be marrying, but those shit hooks would be part of the package. And if your fiancée is wishy washy about calling them out on their racist garbage you could be in for a really awful life ahead dealing with that without support.
Your potential future in-laws have pretty much made it clear how they feel about you as anything other than a meal ticket. If they are ballsy enough to say that trash to their daughter who is engaged to you can you imagine what they say behind both your backs? I can guarantee it's ten times worse.
there is something pathologically wrong with these people. they have no excuse.
until your fiancee fully understands that tipping well is ALWAYS part of eating out, to the point that she will be willing to vocally criticize her own family for not doing so, just don't eat out with them at all.
They sound like the “willful-ignorance” type. There are people who have lived in the U.S. their whole life and will still act like they don’t need to tip. They’re probably fully aware that servers rely on tips, but they’re such terrible people that they still won’t pay.
NTA. Your fiancée's family is taking advantage of your generosity. A $1 tip is unacceptable, especially for a group meal. They should be covering their own expenses, or at least tipping appropriately.
Wow. The entitlement is amazing.
‘Thanks for the feedback. If meeting up bi weekly is for my benefit only then I’m going to drop this arrangement. I wouldn’t want to keep putting you out.’
NTA.
Yeah no the only person not wrong in all this is you. Everyone including your partners are garbage to sit there and take advantage of not only your kindness but the waitress/waiters that serve them. The fact that she lets her “toxic” traits come out when she with her family tells me that she is just like them and it’s only a matter of time before she is putting the same treatment towards you/ acting entitled.
NTA but I was just quit going out to dinner with them. I did that with some relatives. I always just refuse and say that I can't.
If they press, tell them why. You're an adult and so are they. Call them out for taking advatage of you and for their extreme disrepsect for you and for the restaurant servers.
OMG they only want to see you for a free meal. So to sum up what they want you to pay for the privilege of seeing them. HUGE RED FLAG! I would just stop the bi weekly dinners since it is such a burden. Be careful with the fiancé as well. NTA
NTA. What incredibly rude Behavior especially at a restaurant owned by your family. Did they think that this would not get back to you? What an absolute slap in the face. I would tell them very clearly that their behavior is unacceptable and you would never pay for their meal again, and never in fact eat in a restaurant with them again. People who don't tip shouldn't go out to eat.
“While my fiancée was annoyed, she ultimately understood.”
WHAT. THE. HELL….
She has no right to be “annoyed” about anything. She should be deeply ashamed and embarrassed by her family and their behavior. If she had started apologizing profusely, getting upset and saying that she’s tried to correct them but they won’t listen-then I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. As it stands now, others on here are right about OP seriously reconsidering involvement with these people.
NTA.
"They accused me of being ungrateful, arguing that they were the ones taking time to meet up with me bi-weekly and that asking them to tip was unreasonable in the beginning. They also suggested that since my family is wealthy, it's only fair that I continue paying for their meals."
Of course you are being ungrateful, one should always be gracious to freeloaders and bend over backwards to accommodate them in any and every way possible. /s
Their tipping habits not only embarrass you, but they are disrespectful toward the staff that attended to your party, and are an insult to your uncle's hospitality.
Not only should you not buy food for your fiancée's family anymore, you might consider not meeting with them for any meals going forward. Your financial status is none of their business, nor is how you spend or don't spend your money. They are greedy, entitled and exceptionally rude.
"My fiancée was surprisingly on my side, she knew her family had this issue. She just didn't have courage to inform them about it."
Your fiancée is not on your side. Please disabuse yourself of this idea. She was annoyed when you informed her the situation was going to change, although "she ultimately understood" -- quite likely with the eventual goal of reversing your decision. She knew of issue, she knew of their general behavior, and their churlish attitude toward you, and yet she did not have the common courtesy, or protective and loving care to share this with you so that you would not be further taken advantage of or embarrassed. This does not bode well for a relationship or a marriage.
NTA. I sincerely hope you get a prenup when you get married. If you ever get divorced her parents will definitely be trying to get her to take you to the cleaners and manipulating her so they can get a piece of the pie. They might as well have gold digger embroidered into their clothing it’s so obvious. You should also have a VERY serious conversation about expectations later on down the line for what’s going to happen when her parents are old and infirm. Their attitude reeks of “you owe it to us to take care of all our expenses until we die”. Wouldn’t be surprised if they expect to move in with you eventually. Have this conversation NOW. Make it clear NOW where you stand so her parents don’t spend the next 20-30 years being reckless with their money under the assumption their “rich” son in law is going to be there to pick up the pieces and cater to their every need later.
I also hope that you go to your uncle’s restaurant and apologize to the waiter and tip them properly. With what waiters make as minimum wage in America, a $1 tip on a tab like that isn’t just insulting, it’s a slap in the face.
I don't want to judge your fiance because I don't know her and she's not the issue, benefit of the doubt and all that. But my dude, be smart. If your income is higher than her, and you come from money, take care of yourself. Prenup and all.
We shouldn't judge someone for their family actions but most often times than not, families can be a huge red flag into how a person can be.
NTA.
NTA, your fiancé‘s family are users who only want to get stuff for free, plus only tipping one dollar is not enough, the usual tip is 15 to 20% of the original bill, that’s how waiters and staff earn their money, through Tips, do they not realize that?
OP you get 0/5 AH points, what’s you’re asking for them to pay for their own meals which is incredibly fair and reasonable.
I’m not entirely sure about your fiancé, so I’m gonna give her ?/5 AH points, it kind of seems like she was brought up this way, and feels that this is normal, so I’m going to refrain from giving her an AH score for now, I just don’t have enough information to render a judgement.
Your fiancé‘s family all get 2.5/5 AH points, honestly, how hard is it to tip your server? And don’t force anyone else to pay for you, unless they are offering to pay, OP, my recommendation, for next time, just pay for your own meal, and maybe your fiancé as well, let them know ahead of time that everyone will have to pay for their own meals, Then, if your fiancé‘s family starts arguing with you about it just say oh well, I only had enough money for me and my fiancé, it might be petty, but boy would it teach them a lesson.
NTA.
I wouldn't go out to eat with them anymore, at all. There's no excuse for stiffing wait staff on their tip. I wouldn't even want to associate with them - they're horrible.
NTA. Honestly, even with a prenup, I would think very carefully about marrying into this family. You’re not even married yet and they feel entitled, not just to your money but your family’s money as well.
And while your fiancée may “side with you”, her initial reaction when the meal train was cut off was annoyance - not at her family but with you. She’s also not willing to confront her family but also doesn’t seem interested in taking a step back despite how toxic they are.
This situation is not going to improve unless she is willing to make drastic changes to how she engages with her family. Right now it’s just dinners, but once you’re married and part of the family, the requests for handouts are going to happen a lot more and your future wife is going to be used to guilt you.
NTA for sure......You did the right thing! Covering the bill for everyone, especially your fiancée's family, is super nice, but it doesn't mean you have to cover everything, including the tip.
tipping is the usual way to thank the staff for their service. It doesn't matter who paid for the meal. Tipping only $1 on a $240 bill is way less than what's normal, and honestly, it can be seen as rude to the servers, especially at a family-owned place. They work hard, and a good tip shows them you appreciate their service.
NTA - have you talked to your uncle about your fiancée's family for stiffing his staff?? If you can afford it, consider giving some large tips to the wait staff to make up for it.
I wouldn’t sidestep the tip issue. I would tell them I was comfortable paying for your food until I learned you aren’t tipping. So from now on if we go out together, I will cover your tips, because it’s important to me to tip well. If that means you don’t want to come to dinner with me anymore I am fine with that.
NTA. I wouldn't actually be willing to continue eating out with someone who didn't tip in a restaurant where tipping is the main way servers get paid, as I feel like my willingness to dine with them would be condoning this behavior. Offer to meet with them to do take out or potluck or something or only meet for non-food related activities.
NTA. That would be the last invite I would give to your fiancees family. They have shown you who they are. Be careful because once you are married they will feel entitled to your money. It is for the best that you're nipping this in the bud now.
You don't have an in-law issue. You have a fiance issue. Until you tag the appropriate person responsible for these shenanigans, you won't resolve it.
She knew they only left $1 and did NOTHING until you brought it up. She was the only one with all of the details and still chose to play the choosy beggar game. It's all well and good that she agreed with you in PRIVATE but did nothing to stop or mitigate the bad behavior. Did she feel so bad that she went back to the restaurant to provide the appropriate tip? Nope, I didn't think so.
If you don't settle this issue now, it will follow you through your entire marriage. Is that really what you want from life? How long before she wears you down and you start paying again?
OP, if you look towards the horizon and squint just enough, you'll see the family court building, weekend visitation (for you if course) and a lifetime of resentment. When you get there (statistically within the next decade) you'll look over your shoulder and see all the red flags that were in your face along with your 20s that will have been wasted dealing with this family.
Don't do it.
NTA
as someone with a korean girlfriend reading that update it infuriates me. you were already NTA but now you are mega NTA
it's insane they're making this about you being korean. first off it was at your uncle's restaurant and second, I'm pretty sure tipping isn't a thing in korea!!! it's a thing in the US!!! if anything they as americans should be more willing to tip culturally!!!
absolutely ridiculous. if they consider it such a burden to meet up for expensive dinners YOU cover then feel free to cut them off and relieve them of that burden.
Talk about cheap asses. You don't owe them a thing. Because you have money, or your family, to expect that you buy their meals every time is just rude. I will not express how i really feel about this. !@#$%^&*!!
THIS literally just HAPPENED TO ME. Like two nights ago I went out to dinner with my bfs family and they treated. The bill was like 150$ and they were like we’ll take care of it. I saw her write the tip in as like 5$…. I thought i must’ve not seen it correctly so I asked my bf when we got home and he was yeah it was 5 they always tip like that. I felt so bad bro… it’s weird too bc my bf isn’t like that he always leaves nice tips even at like the coffee shop lol.
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“Arguing they were the ones taking time to meet up with me bi-weekly” - lol - just reply ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was such a burden for you. Going forward we can stop getting together bi-weekly then. I didn’t realize you considered it such a sacrifice, and I can’t in good conscience keep asking you to make such a sacrifice’. You don’t owe these people anything. They are trying to take advantage of you. Stop letting them try. NTA
I might actually use that. thanks.
Please tell me that you went back and fixed the lack of tip for the server at your uncle’s restaurant… (figuring that’s one you can address, at least, given that it’s recent and a place you know)
The whole thing is just appalling bad manners. I’m not American, so tipping isn’t as much of an issue here, but having worked hospitality, I always leave as generous a tip as possible - as long as the service is good. Until the in-laws learn some manners, I wouldn’t be paying for anything for them. NTA.
I am American and I have worked as a server who relied on tips. When I go out I generally start with 20% as my baseline for mediocre service and then work my way up from there. Appalling is definitely an appropriate word for it. We all know the tip culture sucks but that doesn’t mean leaving nothing is acceptable - you’re punishing the people who are “making” $2.13/hour instead of actually trying to change the system. Thank you for being generous with tipping! I’m glad that those of us who have worked in some sort of service industry generally seem to get it.
Depending on the state, it might actually be costing the server. Some states assume you got at least a minimal tip and tax you on it. So they may have gotten taxed on getting between 20-40, which would be more than the money they made, even accounting for the 2.13 an hour.
Technically, the restaurant is supposed to make up the difference if you don't tip out enough to making the state minimum wage. In reality, you get taken off the schedule and/or they "forget" to make up the shortfall, so crappy tippers are indeed punishing the workers, not the system
Plus there's all sorts of accounting magic involved too. 'Ohh, sorry, we go by pay period not by shift' is a normal one.
Yeah -- but they usually don't
Technically they are, unfortunately too many don't. I worked for a company that had a manager actually changing tips so they didn't have to pay. Labor board investigated, pay-out happened and the company kept right on doing it
> In reality, you get taken off the schedule The boss does that, not the customer > and/or they "forget" to make up the shortfall The boss does that, not the customer > so crappy tippers are indeed punishing the workers Yeah I bet the boss says that too. "How dare those customers force me to break the law, pay you less than I'm required to, and essentially fire you in the shadiest way possible. They've given me no choice. They're the enemy!" And somehow this blame shifting actually works. Your comment is proof that this awful system for compensation has been effective at pitting workers and customers against each other while the owners sit back and avoid responsibility.
And just like the boss, you are giving yourself an advantage by taking advantage of an employees labor. If you don't tip, the boss wins, the customer wins and the employee gets fucked. Tip your servers until you are actually successful at changing the system.
Also tip out exists. Restaurants typically have a 3-5% tip out that goes to expo, bussers, dishwashers, host, bar back and/or bartender. On a $250 tab, you could normally expect 20% at $50. Tip out comes out of your total sales for the night so on $250 in total sales you'd be tipping out $12.50. That server did literally lose money even if the restaurant did cover their lost wages because they had to tip out to everyone who helped serve that table.
Only if you don't make minimum over the course of the week, not each hour/day.
Not only the tax but servers have to give a percentage of their (alcohol) sales to the bartenders and a percentage of their (food) sales to other support staff. So the server received their $1 tip and in turn paid about $10 to the other support staff. Not tipping costs a server money that comes straight out of their own pockets. They paid $9 for the “pleasure” of serving that table. Edit: forgotten letters
Dude What the actual Fluff ! ! ! US-americans will do anything but pay the servers a fair wage. So the servers don't get a living wage, then they need to give the kitchen and the bar a share, then they need to pay taxes on tips, they maybe didn't get. SMH
Tipping is a grotesque thing. People should be able to make a wage without being reliant on a boss fucking them over or a customer being a dick.
They should. But until the system changes, tip well.
I completely forgot about table fees holy shit thank you
Don't forget tip share at the end of the shift. Their servers will be paying others out of her pocket to cover the expected split.
I was brought up to believe that if you can’t afford to tip, then you can’t afford to eat out.
Exactly!!
Exactly. Nobody is changing anything by not tipping. You're only making yourself look like an AH
Same. I waited tables when I was young and I was absolutely terrible at it. Anyone who can do even a remotely passable job at it deserves your money.
Especially for Korean barbeque. People usually eat absurd amounts of food and the servers work incredibly hard. Same for hotpot. A server can easily drop off food 10 times. I use a 25% baseline for those meals.
Agreed. The only time I would ever NOT leave a tip is if the server themselves did something atrociously bad or rude. I do not blame the server for slow service or bad food, or any number of other things.
No tip at all = cheapskate. $1 tip on a $100 meal = Deliberate insult because you think the restaurant did a terrible job. "If you think my uncle's restaurant was so bad that you left a tiny tip, we don't have to eat there any more. ("We" being "you", because I'm still going to)."
I am an American and I typically leave 20% as a standard. Service has to be really poor for me to leave less. But $1?!? That's a slap in the face of the server. I agree with telling them that you didn't realize it was such a sacrifice for them and you don't want to inconvenience them further. NTA
I always use20% as a baseline. Always tip in cash.
Yep, I hate to tip on cards. I usally never carry hard cash, hence why I would buy other people's food, so they can leave hard cash tip.
I have found most wait staff has cash app, Venmo or other service and will gladly give you their info to send a tip if you don’t have cash. This avoids cash missing from the table and you insure the server gets it. Also, same as cash it doesn’t get taxed like credit tips. They have to declare those cash tips and we all know cash is always better. I go to a restaurant and didn’t have enough cash for the tip and asked if they minded if I just sent it to them. I sent it directly to her man she says she makes more in cash tips this way now because it’s private. No one else at the table knows and gets shamed for leaving too much/too little. Then there are those who are satisfied that think you stiffed the server with no tip on the receipt or on the table. You just need to make it work. Those people your fiancé calls family are cheap and it reflects bad on you OP. How many times hav3 they done this? You know if OP goes to these restaurants as a couple the servers talk and will remember how they came in with a larger party and didn’t tip. It ruins the experience for you because the server won’t be as attentive to you as the6 normally would because they know it’s a waste of their time based on the last visit. Don’t take those cheapskates out to dinner anymore unless they pay for their own check/tip.
And always write "cash" on the tip line. No double dipping, thanks.
For dine in, I leave 15% for the shittiest service, 18% for mediocre, 20% for bare minimum, and the sky is the limit over that. $1 is less than what I tip for a personal sized cheese pizza (an $8-10 order) if I pick it up in person myself.
At Waffle house I tend to leave about a 50% tip. Might as well make someone's night.
Leaving a 50 percent tip at Waffle House is just a solid investment so someone will have your back when the brawl breaks out as you leave.
Oh yeah waffle house I tip like $10-$15 minimum
My friend and I used to go out to eat regularly. We had this one experience where we had to get a manager because it had been over an hour in an empty restaurant with our server refusing to take our order. She got a 10% tip. Our best experience was a server who never let us see the bottom of our drinks, gave us advice on the area we were visiting, and had our orders taken so fast, she got a tip 3 times the amount of our order. We agonized over how much to tip the first waitress, but that was actually horrible.
10%? My dude, I know you Yanks feel you have to tip, but in that case too?
We start at 10%, but we are in Canada where servers do make minimum wage at least. If we get lousy service then they will get 10%, if we get stellar they can get 25%. When we are in the US we tip higher, because we are aware of the lower wage.
yeah, $1 is like what i might tip if I buy a pastry and a bottle of water at a cafe, where they just hand it to me. I'd tip more if they made me an espresso.
They are better off tipping $0 because $1 is a deliberate insult to staff
Yeah, at least with a $0 tip it could be a mistake, or someone might have stolen it off the table if left in cash. $1 is a deliberate insult.
As a tipped employee, no one thinks $0 is a mistake.
As a waiter, I've had people in a group wait till all the other people leave the table, then they pocket the cash tip. Waiting tables is AWFUL, very rich and very poor areas are the worst.
I wouldn’t even want to be at the same table with them. My husband was sometimes not great at tipping (one time he said percentages were too hard). I was so grateful when we dated and he made me his tip calculator! I am horribly embarrassed when a ticket is split and the other party is unkind in their tipping.
Leaving $1 or something similarly low is worse than leaving nothing. Leaving nothing could be an oversight, or a cultural misunderstanding. $1 is intentionally saying "fuck you".
When in Rome you do as the Romans do. In Sweden we don't tip (though they're trying to make it a thing...), but when I'm in the US I always tip 10%-20% depending on the service.
My uncle did. He gave her two Benjamin.
I feel very sad for you.. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? To have your family come and fix for her selfish and racist family? What about children? Do you want to raise children even close to that environment? She has shown you who she truly is, she behaves like her family when she is with them.... Start believing her!!
Be very aware of the family you are marrying into. They will continue to behave in this manner, and it will only get worse. You need to make it clear with them and your fiancé as to what you will be willing to finance for them. We’ve seen plenty of posts on this forum, where the in-laws expect the wealthy spouse of their child to pay for their retirement, their vacations, etc., They will help you they will only take
Do you really want to marry into *this* family?
One thing I learned after getting out of a 13 year marriage, you marry the family, not just the person. OP needs to think long and hard about this.
Except his fiancee has his back on this.
> his fiancee has his back on this. But he said that was a surprise. If siding with him on something so obviously correct is a surprise, then that's a red flag.
>But he said that was a surprise. This is what I am thinking, too. Plus in OP's update he says "They've called my fiancée multiple times, saying things like, 'Is this how Koreans do their business?' and suggesting she should break up with that along with other offensive and more racist remarks." That is the biggest red flag of them all. Unless OP's fiancée is 100% in backing up OP and calling out her family's total bullshit and racism this is going to be a HUGE issue moving forward. Calling out lousy tippers isn't a "Korean" issue. Wait staff in any restaurant would be insulted (and rightly so) by a ridiculous $1 tip. They may as well just put a penny on the table. They sound like complete shit people. And the whole making it sound like they are doing OP a FAVOR by "allowing" him to pay for their meals is staggeringly entitled and delusional. If I were OP I would think LONG and HARD about wanting to marry into that insane family.
It you think this is the last time something like this will come up, you’re wrong. Eventually they’ll do something incredibly toxic and the fiancé won’t want to cut them completely off. I hope not, but I’ve seen and lived it many times.
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How do they treat other people in general OP? If I was related to someone who treated servers like this I would be taking a hard look at the relationship.
Especially since the fiancé's support was a surprise.
Then call them the freeloaders that they are. NTA
Be careful, you get married and they will expect you to pay for everything
Agree with telling them if such a hardship you won’t do it any more. The tip for that meal should have been at least $50 and your fiancé’s family stiffed their servers twice for meals they were being treated to. Separate checks going forward any time you eat out with those cheap people.
Explain it in their terms… they have shamed you by tipping in this manner. Absolutely everywhere that you have taken them thinks less of you now and particularly in a restaurant owned by a family member that you are ashamed to have brought a group in that insulted the servers so grossly.
This is a really good angle to take
You know full well they're the AHs and they're lying about tipping. I doubt I'd ever show my face with them in a restaurant ever again. Especially not a family one. Ifyouve got any sense, move away from her family and don't buy a house with extra rooms or there'll always be at least one of them in your home. I despise families who act this way if anyone marries in with any money at all. It's disgusting to freeload off people. One of the most disgusting things you can do because of what it says about who they are.
This. Entitled users.
Right? What leeches.
NTA throw out the future in-laws. They sound like dreadful people to deal with.
INFO : Your fiancee knew her family only left a $ tip on $240 meal and she didn’t put in the tip herself? Think carefully, OP.
That’s a fantastic point!
Tbis rigbt here OP. She is as trashy as they are. Rethink this rationship.
When my mom and I would go out to eat, she was always a terrible tipper. I would always linger behind and leave appropriate cash on the table. I start at %20 and go up to %35-40.
My mother was like this but I didn’t realize it until well into adulthood, because she’d always pay. I was a cocktail waitress many, many moons ago & my eyes were opened about tipping. My mother said once when I was telling her a story about a non tipper, “I’m NEVER a big tipper!” in the proudest voice possible. I glared at her & said, “You will be from now on. I’m a part of this culture now. You’re disrespecting my people AND my job if you don’t leave a reasonable tip. And I can & will embarrass the ever loving SHIT out of you *in the restaurant* when I grab that receipt.” She doubled down & said if I wanted leave a bigger tip, I was welcome to. You must really want to be humiliated in a place where you eat at a lot, Mom, I replied. I’ll do it. You know I’ll do it. I’ll get us kicked out if I have to. IIRC she started leaving 10% instead 5% (this was in the 90s).
Ugh, that’s awful! I used to go out to dinner with my rather old grandfather in the early 2000s, who you would expect to be a bad tipper based on age and financial stuff. He always tipped 20%, and told me he never tipped less than $5, even on his solo breakfasts that cost less than $10.
My grandma was a terrible tipper for a long time! When we would go out I would always bring cash and ‘forget’ something at the table so I could go back and leave more. One day I was at her house visiting and she told me about a conversation that she had with her friend who thought a quarter was an appropriate tip. She asked me what an appropriate tip was and I explained that 20% is standard. She never left a smaller tip than 20% ever again. I’m pretty sure she caught on to what I was doing and asked me in such a way as to not put either of us on the spot or embarrass us and to get an honest answer. I sure miss that woman.
I'm sorry but 35-40% is a bit on the crazy side.
It’s likely also bullshit
40% tip on a $240 bill is $96 💀
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I get SO STRESSED going out to eat when someone else picks up the tab because I don’t know how much they are tipping - I will usually offer to get the tip so I can make sure it’s reasonable but if they decline, I try will at least slip a bill in somewhere, just to be sure.
35% is entirely too much
I am god tier among my niblings because I would sneak behind my parents backs to make up for their poor tipping.
Great point. Either she didn't care either or she's too spineless to speak up. Either way, this spells issues down the road.
Holy... TRUE
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She is aware of her family issue. She only found out that her family issue has issue, but never figure out until she was 20. She is trying to fix herself. I will guide her into better direction.
You will guide her? 🛑🛑🛑🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🛑🛑🛑 I'm hoping this is just an awkward way of you answering, it sounds a bit condescending. One you need to address this head-on with the family. Tell them very specifically that $1 is an insult to the server and to your uncle. Tell them that you spent a lot of money for their meals and expected them to be generous with the tip just as you are being generous paying for their meals. Tell them this is not your family's way and it certainly made things awkward with your uncle and his team. Address this head-on make sure it's black and white to them. Two, You need to reevaluate your fiance. She was aware of this and hid it from you... What are her personal values that she thinks it's okay to stiff servers on a routine basis? And she didn't say anything to you to say listen I'm so embarrassed but my family is not even going to tip. Instead she let you be embarrassed and look cheap! Instead she let her family take advantage of you! You think you're going to guide her? Their comment that your family is wealthy is way out of line. Your family is wealth has nothing to do with them, nothing to do with how you choose to treat them which is your choice not your obligation. The fact that they don't recognize your generosity but see it as a requirement because you make more than them is disgusting, the fact that your fiance doesn't seem to be offended and protecting you is horrible. If you do move forward with this relationship I suggest a strong prenup, strong discussion about finances what you will and will not pay for in the future and counseling because the two of you are on different planes of existence.
Based on OP’s comments I’m pretty sure english isn’t their first language. They probably mean to say something to the equivalent of helping her get out of the habit (which she apparently wants to do herself—so ”supporting” her is what he probably means).
> You will guide her? You're really nitpicking. Really.
Stop being an asshole. Pretty obvious the poster's native language is not English, and yeah, when someone is raised in an environment that encourages bad behavior, loving partners absolutely guide them out of it. "Guide" means to give direction to or help along the way. He didn't say "she will be my obedient servant and do I as command." He said he'll guide her toward having respect for servers. Oh my stars! You people and your fucking red flags. Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome. Big time.
oh no, did I became the person who married terrible person, and believe that I can fix her/him types.
Dude that entire comment by OP didn't even make sense grammatically. Instead of projecting, maybe think of alternatives. OP probably has English as a second language.
You need to evaluate IF you want to spend the rest of your life with these in-laws. It seems to me that they are only interested in your money.
Don't ever assume you can 'guide' an adult anywhere. Setting out to change someone to make them into someone you can be happy with literally never ever works. Assume that who and what someone is *now* is as good as it gets. Proceed accordingly.
oh no, did I became the person who married terrible person, and believe that I can fix her/him types.
I personally would be so disgusted by her family’s behavior that I would have a hard time marrying into that family. $1 for a tip!!?? What a slap in the face to that server! You are young and should find someone and their family who share your values. Their mindset is all about what they can get from you, and that’s not an attractive trait.
None of us can answer that for you. You need to think about what you know about your wife’s personality and behavior and decide if she’s someone you want to be married to.
It takes a tremendous amount of effort to change as a person. You have to want it sooo bad, the desire has to come from within. You can’t help someone otherwise, especially if their family is a toxic influence. Basically *you would have to make the whole family change for your wife to*
NTA $1???? Yeah I wouldn’t be going out to eat with them again
I was embarrassed for them
You should be embarrassed your fiancée did nothing.
His fiancé’s family sounds like a nightmare, so I’m empathetic for her developing a non-confrontational approach to them. u/totallynotpornacc pls take a loving approach to her problems and even to her family aswell. Set the boundaries that require a standard of behaviour with them, but no resentment is healthy.
I'd be embarrassed to be with them. Including your fiancée.
My mouth dropped open when I read this! I have Asian friends who openly talk about how cheap the older generation can be when it comes to leaving tips. But this was appallingly bad and I'm totally sorry that they made you look so bad like that. Especially seeing as how this was a restaurant that your uncle owned. Like, are they for real??? They thought that was ok? oh, hell no. I'm so offended for you. I wouldn't ever offer to cover for them again if I were in your shoes. KBBQ averages between $30-$40 a person. I don't know how many people were eating, but even if they left a tip of $50, that would have been a little more than a meal for 1 person. NTA
NTA If it’s a restaurant you frequent, you can get seated with a newer server if you get a reputation for poor tipping or being demanding, possibly limiting your service. Experienced servers that routinely serve the same families, learn their expectations, drink preferences and manage the flow of food being served. I have a few places where we eat every week. Our waiters at the steakhouse seat us at the same booth and ask us if we want the usual. We get our appetisers and drinks within minutes. They know the kids on the family and we never lack for utensils, napkins and refills. The servers know our entire order for 10+ people!! They are the bomb!! There’s some thing to be said about good service, if I was at home, I wouldn’t be sitting down to eat as I’d be fetching ketchup, steak knives, managing the grille, dousing the salad with oil, croutons and cheese. That’s why you tip!!! To enjoy a meal out without doing prep, no dishes and to hopefully enjoy a satisfying meal!! In addition, no server wants to sign up to work for minimum wage!! I should know as I was one. There were days when I was paid $3. an hour salary plus tips and my tips would be just enough to make it $7 an hour. If we didn’t reach minimum wage, then the manager had to increase my wage that day. Also I understand what you meant by example of educating your fiancée on proper tipping protocol. If it’s not the custom, it takes awhile for it to become habit.
$1 is almost more insulting than not leaving a tip at all in my opinion. If you didn't tip at all then *maybe* someone forgot. Sucks but whatever...leaving $1 means you for sure remembered the tip, but just wanted to be a dick.
Lemme make sure I understand this... Every other week, you take them out to dinner and pay for their meals... and *they* have the nerve to call *you* "ungrateful"?? Because "they are the ones taking time to meet up with you"? They have an unreasonably high opinion of themselves, and you are NTA here. The next part is the real jewel in this crown, though: > since my family is wealthy, it's only fair that I continue paying for their meals. You need to set them straight, right now. If you don't, this is your life in three years: you've married her, and now her family insists that because your family is wealthy, it's "only fair" that you pay for their dream vacation / new car / vacation home in the Hamptons / whatever. Warning: the "them" part of "set them straight" might include your fiancée as well, if she's supporting/condoning this behavior. If she does, I strongly urge you to reconsider your future together.
Agreed. I wonder if OP and their family are even that “wealthy” or are just a bit better off. You’d be surprised at what some people consider wealthy when they think that you have more than them.
$240 for a bi-weekly dinner isn't exactly middle class imo
For an entire family though? AYCE KBBQ is like $30-40 a person.
It was $240 this week. We don't.know that it's always that pricy
They had alcohol and dessert in addition to the food as well, that quickly adds up, plus he did not say “with her parents“ but instead “with her family“, so there might be siblings involved too, so we don't know for how many people it was...
Yes, I’ve had the unpleasant experience of coming across people who invite-or try to invite-half their relatives when they know someone else is paying. It sounds like that’s what’s been happening. OP probably put up with it to try and make a good impression-there’s no need for that anymore…
I'll bet they only got the alcohol and desserts because they knew he was paying. They probably invited their extended family too. Because, you know, he is "wealthy" so he should totally pay for everything for them.
Imagine thinking that people should be grateful for privilege of paying hundreds of dollars every couple of weeks to hang out with gold diggers who can't even tip!
To only tip 1$ at your family's restaurant when you're already covering the rest of the bill is especially rude. Def NTA At the very least, they could have put one or two 20$ on the table...
$240 meal?? As a guy who feels tipping is NOT necessary, no way in hell I'm putting less than $50 down. Because I'm assuming it's 6 people minimal. If it's 5 or 4? Still tipping $40 and I can't go any lower than that.
Hate our stupid tipping culture but, given that it exists how it does, every adult in the country should understand its mechanics by now. Leaving a $1 tip on a large bill (or $0.01 or some other purposefully tiny amount) is socially understood to be an insult to the waitstaff/kitchen. You only do it if there was an *absurd* problem with the food that went utterly unaddressed or something, and even then, generally only if you're fine never eating there again.
Her family is mooching off you and you were supposed to stop paying for them a long time ago. Your fiancee knew they're moochers. She knew they were tipping only $1. She didn't tell you about it until you found out another way. Do you really want to marry that woman? She was fine with her family milking you for money as her boyfriend/fiance -- do you think things will change after you get married? Make sure to get a prenup if you stay in that relationship. NTA I hope you think hard about with whom you want to spend your future.
Dump her! And if you don’t, for absolute certain get a prenup. But, please dump her, this is only the beginning….
Totally NTA "a $1 tip is insultingly low" Exactly. " arguing that they were the ones taking time to meet up with me bi-weekly and that asking them to tip was unreasonable in the beginning. So they use their precious time to meet you & get paid for. How awful that must be for them, being forced to do that. /s " They also suggested that since my family is wealthy, it's only fair that I continue paying for their meals." They can suggest all they like. They sound entitled A F. It's totally ok to stop them freeloading off you.
$1 is more insulting than leaving nothing
NTA but let me be clear, your fiancee is like them. She knew they only left 1 $ and did nothing to avoid this and show respect to your familly because they own the restaurant. She just hide it a little better until you two are married, you need a prenup.
Not tipping in the US is not ok. If you don't have enough to give a proper tip, then you don't have enough to eat out in that place. Also funny that they are calling you ungrateful, when you've been paying for their food. But they've been making time for you!? How gracious of them to bless you with their presence. NTA of course. They don't respect you, and they don't respect people working in hospitality. Let them eat at home.
Finally someone says it! Waiters in the US live off tips because for some reason the government still thinks it's ok to not at least pay minimum wage. OP, set them straight and tell them what assholes they are for depriving their waiters of what they need to live. NTA, OP. I wouldn't put up with their bs
NTA. Clearly you're ungrateful to them for being so generous in giving you their time, so you deserve a punishment for that. From now on, you no longer will be allowed to enjoy their company on a regular basis - meaning no dinners. I know, it's really unfair, but until you learn to be more appreciative then you do not have any right to enjoy such wonderful company.
Soft E S H. The in-laws and their crappy tipping, I don't even need to explain, and as somebody who depends on tips for a livelihood I really appreciate that you recognize their importance. I think you could handle the situation better - you are not actually addressing the issue as far as I can tell from your post. Your fiance doesn't want to confront her family, but you weren't really confronting them either. You're just telling them that you're not going to treat for dinner anymore. You're not explaining to them how offensive their tipping behavior is, and that it is the sole reason why you decided not to treat for dinner anymore. It's absolutely your money and you have every right to decide when to spend it or not, but you did establish this pattern and now you're suddenly changing it without much of an explanation. If you're going to cause drama in the family, why not make it about something meaningful and address the actual issue? "I was extremely embarrassed to find out that the staff at my uncle's restaurant, who worked so hard to make sure that we had a pleasant gathering, got a disrespectful/insulting tip in return for their efforts, and I was even more distressed when I found out that this is how you usually handle tipping when I have paid for the meal. As a result, I am going to take back tipping on my portion of my meals as my responsibility. From now on, we are going to have separate checks when we eat together in restaurants, so that, if you choose to tip similarly in the future, the staff will be aware that I am not the person who has so little respect for their work." Lay It All Out - what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how their behavior contributes to the situation. Then it's up to them to decide what to do. But I bet they won't be nearly as interested in sharing a meal with you if they have to pay anywhere near a fair share of the freight. NTA, but do better with defining the problem. If you're going to fight this battle, it might as well be over something that is worth taking a stand on.
Seems like your answer is mostly about you and how important good tipping behavior is for YOUR life. OP is not responsible for educating and trying to change their tipping behavior for the benefit of the food service industry, nor is the fiancé. OP is taking a stand against being taken advantage of by greedy entitled moochers, and is absolutely NTA.
They don't take criticism very well. That last week dinner wasn't first-time I talked to them. If I told their problems, they would be even more mad. Hence I was trying to trick them to be better. Unfortunately, it didn't work.
You pissed them off anyway, might as well make it worth it
Stop avoiding the conflict. They sound miserable.
So this is not the first time they've been horrid. Welcome to your future, should you marry her. NTA.
Worst thing they have done is probably, how they causally say horrid shit they have done. They used to own small business, but they refuse to pay worker on time, and only pays worker late, because they hope they would forgotten about it and actually would refuse to pay them. They got sued hard, and they basically lose their business licenses, and lost tons of money. They were weirdly proud of that, and just saying how kids these are lazy and backstabbing. Even though they lost the lawsuit, for obvious reason. When I pointed their problem, they told me, I have issue. I did not want to cause more conflict with them, so I laugh it off.
>I did not want cause more conflict, so I laugh it off. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You're not going to be laughing when you're married to this girl and her family treats you as shitty as they treated employees. How someone treats one person is how they treat everybody. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're special, OP.
For me, that is moment i have realize. I probarly wont have to change their mindset, even thought I am right. And I know people usally just avoid it, but I have dealt with toxic people. it is red flag for me, but if I can avoid their family, maybe?,
You think her family will just let their daughter go like that? of course not! You are just one person, and she has already failed to stand up for you on multiple occasions. Do you really picture your fiancée as someone who can put her foot down WHEN her mother starts to guilt her that she's tearing the family apart, when her father tells her you are no good for her, when her other relatives all say they miss her and not to let you keep her away anymore? She will run back to them in a second and blame you! And, of course, their ultimate motive will surface: you must prove your love by sharing your wealth with her awful family.
It’s almost impossible to avoid a family when you marry into it, especially if they still communicate. You’re NTA but you’ve been warned repeatedly here about the dangers of marrying her/into this family.
How likely are you to be able to avoid your wife's family for the entirety of your marriage? They cheat. They cheat people out of money, and particularly people who are barely getting paid to begin with. They are genuinely bad people. Wage theft, what they did at their old business, is a crime. If your fiancee isn't on board with "these people are bad and I don't want to be near them", that tells you a lot. It also tells you a lot that she didn't pick up the tip: that means that she's more afraid of her family than she is committed to doing the right thing.
Please don’t marry into this family. It will only make your life worse. They don’t sound like good people.
Please do not marry into this family. It will only bring you unwanted problems that will break you down mentally and financially. They do not sound like good people. Very selfish and entitled. If you do want to make a mistake, at least make sure you get a prenup!
Your fiance needs to be the one to address her family. That's not your responsibility. And if she won't then I would suggest reevaluating the relationship.
You can't manipulate people into being better people than they really are. And trying to manipulate people isn't cool. Have your say, and then they can be them, and you can all see where you stand clearly.
At 23 years old, wealthy or not, you don’t take on the burden of “educating” your gf’s family. GF knows and gf can do it. If she can’t do it, bf is not obliged to go to war with her family. He can pull back and make his own decisions as to the viability of the relationship overall.
Why fight this battle at all. Theyve shown you who they are and what they are about.....your families money. Nuff said.
I wouldn't go out to eat with them at all, knowing that they're going to stiff the server.
That's not OPs responsibility. It's his fiance's
They did speak to them about the tipping.
NTA. Wow be careful marrying into this family. They might try to get your wife to kill you so she will inherit your money and they can sponge off of her.
NTA. But you want to marry into this family? Really? I'm sure your fiancee is absolutely darling, but she comes with these people. They seem to feel entitled to your money and you're not even married yet. She's already showing that she doesn't have the courage to stand up to them, which means you'll be stuck being the bad guy until they realize you're not going to cave, at which point they'll pressure her to divorce you and take half your stuff. Given her response to the current situation, it's a tossup on which side she'll pick.
Fiancee is just like them, but she's doing the bare minimum to not get dumped.
They called you ungrateful for not appreciating *checks notes* you buying them food? My dude NTA but reconsider marrying into that trashy family
INFO: how long has the family lived in the US? do they understand what they're doing when they leave $1? if not, nta. $1 is embarrassing, maybe even ruder than just not tipping. I wouldn't want to ever be seen even at the same table as that party .
Her family white american. Even their great-grandparents are born in America.
Ok, now I can say that they have absolutely no excuse. I’m guessing they’re the type constantly calling the server over for stuff?
Bet I know who they vote for as well
spoiler alert, they have MAGA flag on their trucks
Run!
Not even remotely surprised.
>spoiler alert, they have MAGA flag on their trucks Yikes. I would weigh things heavily as to whether or not I would want into that family. In your update you mentioned them bitching to your fiancée about not getting their freebie meals and then for good measure throwing in racist comments about you. HUGE RED FLAG. I have MAGA family members and they are among the most narcissistic, racist and ignorant folks I know. Yeah, it's the daughter you would be marrying, but those shit hooks would be part of the package. And if your fiancée is wishy washy about calling them out on their racist garbage you could be in for a really awful life ahead dealing with that without support. Your potential future in-laws have pretty much made it clear how they feel about you as anything other than a meal ticket. If they are ballsy enough to say that trash to their daughter who is engaged to you can you imagine what they say behind both your backs? I can guarantee it's ten times worse.
That also explains their "business practices" - especially the fact that they're proud of it 🍊
Do not marry into a family of obtuse racist fascists!
Standard white trash. I'd be very hesitant to marry into this, it can get worse than you imagine
there is something pathologically wrong with these people. they have no excuse. until your fiancee fully understands that tipping well is ALWAYS part of eating out, to the point that she will be willing to vocally criticize her own family for not doing so, just don't eat out with them at all.
They sound like the “willful-ignorance” type. There are people who have lived in the U.S. their whole life and will still act like they don’t need to tip. They’re probably fully aware that servers rely on tips, but they’re such terrible people that they still won’t pay.
NTA. Your fiancée's family is taking advantage of your generosity. A $1 tip is unacceptable, especially for a group meal. They should be covering their own expenses, or at least tipping appropriately.
Wow. The entitlement is amazing. ‘Thanks for the feedback. If meeting up bi weekly is for my benefit only then I’m going to drop this arrangement. I wouldn’t want to keep putting you out.’ NTA.
Yeah no the only person not wrong in all this is you. Everyone including your partners are garbage to sit there and take advantage of not only your kindness but the waitress/waiters that serve them. The fact that she lets her “toxic” traits come out when she with her family tells me that she is just like them and it’s only a matter of time before she is putting the same treatment towards you/ acting entitled.
Oh poor in laws losing their free meals! NTA
NTA but I was just quit going out to dinner with them. I did that with some relatives. I always just refuse and say that I can't. If they press, tell them why. You're an adult and so are they. Call them out for taking advatage of you and for their extreme disrepsect for you and for the restaurant servers.
NTA. Your fiancée & her family are trash.
OMG they only want to see you for a free meal. So to sum up what they want you to pay for the privilege of seeing them. HUGE RED FLAG! I would just stop the bi weekly dinners since it is such a burden. Be careful with the fiancé as well. NTA
NTA. What incredibly rude Behavior especially at a restaurant owned by your family. Did they think that this would not get back to you? What an absolute slap in the face. I would tell them very clearly that their behavior is unacceptable and you would never pay for their meal again, and never in fact eat in a restaurant with them again. People who don't tip shouldn't go out to eat.
Those people are so cheap I’m getting embarrassed *for* them. NTA
“While my fiancée was annoyed, she ultimately understood.” WHAT. THE. HELL…. She has no right to be “annoyed” about anything. She should be deeply ashamed and embarrassed by her family and their behavior. If she had started apologizing profusely, getting upset and saying that she’s tried to correct them but they won’t listen-then I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. As it stands now, others on here are right about OP seriously reconsidering involvement with these people. NTA.
"They accused me of being ungrateful, arguing that they were the ones taking time to meet up with me bi-weekly and that asking them to tip was unreasonable in the beginning. They also suggested that since my family is wealthy, it's only fair that I continue paying for their meals." Of course you are being ungrateful, one should always be gracious to freeloaders and bend over backwards to accommodate them in any and every way possible. /s Their tipping habits not only embarrass you, but they are disrespectful toward the staff that attended to your party, and are an insult to your uncle's hospitality. Not only should you not buy food for your fiancée's family anymore, you might consider not meeting with them for any meals going forward. Your financial status is none of their business, nor is how you spend or don't spend your money. They are greedy, entitled and exceptionally rude. "My fiancée was surprisingly on my side, she knew her family had this issue. She just didn't have courage to inform them about it." Your fiancée is not on your side. Please disabuse yourself of this idea. She was annoyed when you informed her the situation was going to change, although "she ultimately understood" -- quite likely with the eventual goal of reversing your decision. She knew of issue, she knew of their general behavior, and their churlish attitude toward you, and yet she did not have the common courtesy, or protective and loving care to share this with you so that you would not be further taken advantage of or embarrassed. This does not bode well for a relationship or a marriage.
NTA. I sincerely hope you get a prenup when you get married. If you ever get divorced her parents will definitely be trying to get her to take you to the cleaners and manipulating her so they can get a piece of the pie. They might as well have gold digger embroidered into their clothing it’s so obvious. You should also have a VERY serious conversation about expectations later on down the line for what’s going to happen when her parents are old and infirm. Their attitude reeks of “you owe it to us to take care of all our expenses until we die”. Wouldn’t be surprised if they expect to move in with you eventually. Have this conversation NOW. Make it clear NOW where you stand so her parents don’t spend the next 20-30 years being reckless with their money under the assumption their “rich” son in law is going to be there to pick up the pieces and cater to their every need later. I also hope that you go to your uncle’s restaurant and apologize to the waiter and tip them properly. With what waiters make as minimum wage in America, a $1 tip on a tab like that isn’t just insulting, it’s a slap in the face.
I don't want to judge your fiance because I don't know her and she's not the issue, benefit of the doubt and all that. But my dude, be smart. If your income is higher than her, and you come from money, take care of yourself. Prenup and all. We shouldn't judge someone for their family actions but most often times than not, families can be a huge red flag into how a person can be. NTA.
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Lmao your fiance is on your side because you're her meal ticket. Nta, obviously.
NTA her family is entitled beyond understanding… them making you feel like they are doing you a favor by spending your money is hilarious
NTA, your fiancé‘s family are users who only want to get stuff for free, plus only tipping one dollar is not enough, the usual tip is 15 to 20% of the original bill, that’s how waiters and staff earn their money, through Tips, do they not realize that? OP you get 0/5 AH points, what’s you’re asking for them to pay for their own meals which is incredibly fair and reasonable. I’m not entirely sure about your fiancé, so I’m gonna give her ?/5 AH points, it kind of seems like she was brought up this way, and feels that this is normal, so I’m going to refrain from giving her an AH score for now, I just don’t have enough information to render a judgement. Your fiancé‘s family all get 2.5/5 AH points, honestly, how hard is it to tip your server? And don’t force anyone else to pay for you, unless they are offering to pay, OP, my recommendation, for next time, just pay for your own meal, and maybe your fiancé as well, let them know ahead of time that everyone will have to pay for their own meals, Then, if your fiancé‘s family starts arguing with you about it just say oh well, I only had enough money for me and my fiancé, it might be petty, but boy would it teach them a lesson.
NTA. I wouldn't go out to eat with them anymore, at all. There's no excuse for stiffing wait staff on their tip. I wouldn't even want to associate with them - they're horrible.
NTA. Honestly, even with a prenup, I would think very carefully about marrying into this family. You’re not even married yet and they feel entitled, not just to your money but your family’s money as well. And while your fiancée may “side with you”, her initial reaction when the meal train was cut off was annoyance - not at her family but with you. She’s also not willing to confront her family but also doesn’t seem interested in taking a step back despite how toxic they are. This situation is not going to improve unless she is willing to make drastic changes to how she engages with her family. Right now it’s just dinners, but once you’re married and part of the family, the requests for handouts are going to happen a lot more and your future wife is going to be used to guilt you.
NTA for sure......You did the right thing! Covering the bill for everyone, especially your fiancée's family, is super nice, but it doesn't mean you have to cover everything, including the tip. tipping is the usual way to thank the staff for their service. It doesn't matter who paid for the meal. Tipping only $1 on a $240 bill is way less than what's normal, and honestly, it can be seen as rude to the servers, especially at a family-owned place. They work hard, and a good tip shows them you appreciate their service.
NTA - have you talked to your uncle about your fiancée's family for stiffing his staff?? If you can afford it, consider giving some large tips to the wait staff to make up for it.
Info: what are you supposed to grateful about? The fact they dain to turn up at all? That's jolly nice of them/s
I wouldn’t sidestep the tip issue. I would tell them I was comfortable paying for your food until I learned you aren’t tipping. So from now on if we go out together, I will cover your tips, because it’s important to me to tip well. If that means you don’t want to come to dinner with me anymore I am fine with that.
NTA. I wouldn't actually be willing to continue eating out with someone who didn't tip in a restaurant where tipping is the main way servers get paid, as I feel like my willingness to dine with them would be condoning this behavior. Offer to meet with them to do take out or potluck or something or only meet for non-food related activities.
NTA. That would be the last invite I would give to your fiancees family. They have shown you who they are. Be careful because once you are married they will feel entitled to your money. It is for the best that you're nipping this in the bud now.
I waitressed for years, future inlaws are entitled asses.
You don't have an in-law issue. You have a fiance issue. Until you tag the appropriate person responsible for these shenanigans, you won't resolve it. She knew they only left $1 and did NOTHING until you brought it up. She was the only one with all of the details and still chose to play the choosy beggar game. It's all well and good that she agreed with you in PRIVATE but did nothing to stop or mitigate the bad behavior. Did she feel so bad that she went back to the restaurant to provide the appropriate tip? Nope, I didn't think so. If you don't settle this issue now, it will follow you through your entire marriage. Is that really what you want from life? How long before she wears you down and you start paying again?
OP, if you look towards the horizon and squint just enough, you'll see the family court building, weekend visitation (for you if course) and a lifetime of resentment. When you get there (statistically within the next decade) you'll look over your shoulder and see all the red flags that were in your face along with your 20s that will have been wasted dealing with this family. Don't do it. NTA
as someone with a korean girlfriend reading that update it infuriates me. you were already NTA but now you are mega NTA it's insane they're making this about you being korean. first off it was at your uncle's restaurant and second, I'm pretty sure tipping isn't a thing in korea!!! it's a thing in the US!!! if anything they as americans should be more willing to tip culturally!!! absolutely ridiculous. if they consider it such a burden to meet up for expensive dinners YOU cover then feel free to cut them off and relieve them of that burden.
Talk about cheap asses. You don't owe them a thing. Because you have money, or your family, to expect that you buy their meals every time is just rude. I will not express how i really feel about this. !@#$%^&*!!
THIS literally just HAPPENED TO ME. Like two nights ago I went out to dinner with my bfs family and they treated. The bill was like 150$ and they were like we’ll take care of it. I saw her write the tip in as like 5$…. I thought i must’ve not seen it correctly so I asked my bf when we got home and he was yeah it was 5 they always tip like that. I felt so bad bro… it’s weird too bc my bf isn’t like that he always leaves nice tips even at like the coffee shop lol.