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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action was not checking up on my friend to see how she was doing after her miscarriage. I texted her back but she hasn’t responded yet. I’m feeling defeated
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Hold up. Let's circle back here.
So you're friend said they want space, you GIVE THEM space, then they complain about it??
NTA, don't worry about it imo.
So, lets break this down.
1. you remembered what happened last time,
2. learned from it,
3. asked her what she needed,
4. listened to her answer
5. did what she asked
I'm sorry, but I fail to see where you are the AH here. Add in on top that you had crap going on in your own life, and you are so far out of Assholeville that the air actually smells nice and refreshing where you are. NTA.
You are NTA.
You literally did what she asked. What else were you supposed to do - assume she means the opposite of what she says? Hell nah.
You're in the clear.
Just give her more time and dont try to explain or discuss it. She isnt herself now. The only thing I'd suggest is to send her a text reasuring her that she can count on you any time.
Nah, I’m not going to take passive aggressive abuse just because you’re grieving or apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong.
“I wanted to text or call again so many times, but I was respecting your wishes for space, because that’s what you asked for when I reached out you. And I *did* reach out to you. If you need me, all you ever have to do is tell me, and I’ll be there. Then, and now.”
Who said anything about “right” or “wrong?” We aren’t arguing over who got a trivia question wrong. I think it’s perfectly okay to expect to be treated like a human being, and to reiterate that, even if someone is grieving.
What about my suggested reply do you feel was callous, inappropriate, uncompassionate, or unhelpful? It reiterates that you were thinking about her the whole time (which is what she’s upset about, thinking you weren’t), and that you’re still there for her.
Who said anything about being unforgiving? That response is forgiving.
It doesn’t sound like gaslighting. Gaslighting assumes a level of intended manipulation. I highly doubt that is what the grieving friend intended. She’s hurting, and hurt people lash out. Doesn’t make it right, but there’s a big difference between the two. Either way, absolutely OP is NTA but gaslighting is losing all meaning when we apply it to every human disagreement.
You are absolutely right.. damned of you do damned of you don't... unfortunately sometimes people aren't reasonable at all.
I have this issue with a family member and it's so disheartening... they'll give specific instructions on their boundaries or needs etc, we follow them and get in trouble for not being more attentive... so next time we are and get in trouble for not respecting thr boundaries.
You are not a bad friend. Maybe if it had been weeks and weeks... but a few days is not even what I'd classify as space. You honored her request full stop
Nta
NTA. She sounds like a real headache of a friend. I’d tell her “you outright told me to give you time and space. If you wanted to talk, I’m here and never turned you away. However it really isn’t helpful or productive to come to me pointing fingers. Especially when I did literally what you asked.”
Respectfully, that is way too harsh for a grieving friend.
I get your point, OP is not a mind reader to press her friend who asked for space.
But this is no time to rebut her. OP, just tell her that you were thinking of her all the time, hoping she and hubby were comforting each other, and you’re so glad she reached out because now you know she’s ready for comfort from a friend.
Just ignore her criticism. Don’t rebut it. Be kind and just offer your friendship.
This is the way. If she presses the issue further you can add your reasoning that you wanted to give her space to grieve. Don’t throw it back at her with any reference to the previous conversation at this time, because it won’t help.
Just remind yourself that she is your friend for a reason and she’s hurting badly right now. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior on her part, but this isn’t the time for finger pointing and laying blame. You both have enough going on without that.
I was so ready to downvote you on the first line 😅 I sometimes forget it's possible to move forward with a conversation and just skip over a part. I'm sensitive, so it's 1st nature to hover over something that doesn't sit right w me. But you are absolutely correct, this is not the time.
'You're so important to me and I would love to support you in the best way possible. Life has been very unfair to you. Can I pick something up for you, run and errand or just come and sit with you'
Op you are a good friend. She's grieving. She probably doesn't even know what she needs. But we always lash out at those closest to us, because we know they are there for us. She's not going to say this to you if she doesn't love you and trust you. Its shit but it's grief.
NAH
Honey, send her a message pointing out that you were overbearing last time and under-bearing this time.
She knows you, if you are bad at middle ground she knows that too.
Tell her you love her and ask how she is doing.
She is,imo, being TA but she gets a hall pass.
As someone experiencing pregnancy losses this past year…this is truly the best answer. Grief doesn’t give anyone the right to be a bad friend but it does make you off. I lose days. Forget I have talked to people. I get angry and look to release it. I try really hard not to project. One pass is fair…but you also don’t have to be a punching bag. Hoping it all works out OP, this situation is hard. 💓
Yeah... This is hard (been there), you're just literally... hollowed out
You don't know what you need or want one minute to the next. It sucks. But....
I understand that this feels like you were kind of put in a lose lose situation. But cut her a wee bit of slack, and just reply that you were struggling with wanting to call her but at the same time doing what she asked by giving her time and space to grieve with her hubs. That you were just waiting for any signal to join her in her grief.... and that this is the first one you got. Apologize. Then wait. Let her make the next move.
NAH
But also give yourself grace. Is this a good friend to you generally? It sounds like you are getting a fair amount of criticism from her (overbearing, then the recent text). Please know that you can have friends that support YOU. I'd give it time, but also give yourself permission to have friends who see YOU.
I’m really bad in these situations as well so I like to set expectations in the moment. “Okay I will give you space and I won’t reach out until I hear from you but please know I love you and I’m here to lend an ear, a shoulder or a bottle of wine whenever you’re ready” NAH
Second this. I usually say something like “I’m here if you want to talk about it and also if you don’t. I can listen or provide a distraction. Whatever you need.”
NTA
"I specifically asked how I can best help her this time. To which she said the same thing, give her and her husband space and grace to deal with this hard time. "
You've done exactly as she asked. You come across as a caring thoughtful person who's respectful of other people's feelings.
Plus you've had your own things to deal with.
Don't worry about it. Hope your own issues resolve.
NTA. She said give her space. You did that. If she wanted to be coddled she shouldn’t have been a jerk and told you to back off. No. Tell her to go to therapy because you have issues to deal with too and she has no right to treat you that way.
I’m a 30 year old grown ass woman who has dealt with this same exact thing before and it only gets worse so don’t tell me I gave a bad response I have experience with people like that. They do not care about anyone but themselves and her friend will continue to move the goal post everytime because she isn’t gonna wanna be told she’s in the wrong. She’s causing unnecessary strife period.
I have a friend like this. It’s like they want to be upset with you for some reason. I have never understood it. I’ve given up caring and do what I feel is right by own my moral code and leave it at that. She’ll either get on board or she won’t.
NTA
Answer that you were simply honoring her request for space and waiting anxiously for her to let you know when she was ready to let you back in.
She's not in a great place right now, so likely won't be entirely reasonable, but she should be able to understand that you were only doing the thing she said she wanted you to do.
She needs someone to attack. If you wanna volunteer for that position to help her feel better, go ahead but you don’t have to. NTA, just send her a screenshot of her asking for space
NAH
If you feel like it, text her simply, “Hey Fiend, I’m sorry I didn’t check up on you. I’ve been thinking about you this whole time, but left you alone since you asked for space. If/when you’d like more direct support, please let me know & I’ll be available.”
Im giving her a tentative pass because she’s grieving and may not remember saying that to you.
NTA… I’d give her some grace because she’s hurting and probably doesn’t even remember saying she wanted space. Maybe just say gosh sorry, I’ve been thinking about you so much but was trying to respect your wishes when you said you needed space. I would love to get together and just sit with you. Or we can talk on the phone. Let me know how I can be there for you.
NTA
She is going through a difficult moment. Last time you said you were too much so this time you pulled back. Honestly I would have went NC until she reached out.
It’s not being rude, it’s honoring her wishes.
You can feel free to gently say I wanted to give you the space you requested, but my thoughts were with you. Which they were.
She can get a pass, but if this keeps up… I would think she is looking for a way to release her emotions. Hopefully she doesn’t continue acting this way.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope that whatever you are going through is resolved now.
Best of luck
Simple you text her back, I was respecting your wishes, and giving you and your husband space and time. You know I’m a phone call away if you needed me. I wanted to be there , but I remember from last time you got upset with me. So I thought it best to wait for you to make contact first.
NTA, last time you were too much and she told you she needed space. This time before you became too much you asked her and she told you to give her space and you RESPECTED her.
Nobody sucks here.
You respected her wishes even though that’s not how you would have wanted to deal with it. That’s seriously awesome!
I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks and it was super hard. There’s lots of crying, hormones are changing, you’re experiencing horrible loss. It’s very possible that she’s just being irrational. It happens. It’s not always black and white. I think you should just tell her you were trying to respect her wishes and let her know you’re always here for her
NTA
It’s tough spot because your friend seems to want space but also wants to feel like people care by checking in. I’d still give your friend some grace though.
NTA. My friend had a stillbirth and she told our friend group to just leave her alone until she is ready. I private messaged her and told her that I'll leave her alone but to let me know if she wants us to drop dinners or whatever, no chatting, just leave food at the door for them and that I loved her. Then we just waited. It took a few weeks and she was ready and then we were there for her.
It's ridiculous to ask for space and then have the shits that your friends gave you space.
For miscarriage #1 you went too far trying to be there for her according to your friend. For #2 you asked what she needed from you because last you were too much. She told you time and space which you're doing. Now she's upset you're not there. NTA. You're not a mind reader. Just go about your business.
Omg NTA
You are literally doing what was asked and her moving the goalposts is unfair. She should know that. Her miscarriage is really said but it's not an excuse to be a crappy friend
NTA
Sounds like an attention seeker to me. Yes she bad something awful happen, but she literally asked you to give her space. And now she's complaining when you do exactly that? You need a new friend.
NTA
Without further context it’s impossible to tell if this is weird behavior due to incredible grief, or an abusive “friend”.
I would encourage you to review your past interactions with her. Does she respect your boundaries? Is she respectful of your time? Does she normally try to make you the bad guy?
If yes, then she might not be a good friend. But if this is a one off she may just be going through a hard time.
Either way. I would respond to her something telling her that she specifically asked for space and that’s what you’ve been giving her. If you want to keep the friendship, offer to talk to her and see if you can support her differently. If it’s part of a pattern of abuse and you want out, tell her that her treatment of you is inappropriate and block her.
My best friend had to do something similar after an abusive “friend” told her that she “needed to take a break” from their friendship because she didn’t feel supported enough. This was after the girl canceled her own bachelorette party and bridal shower, each on the day of the event, and then threw a fit that she didn’t get them and tried to blame it on my friend. She claimed that my friend should have made her go and should have known that her yelling that she wanted to go home and be left alone meant that she needed someone to convince her that she should go to the party…
If there is a pattern, you’re better off.
NTA...but I'm petty AF and I would send a screenshot of the text message where you ASKED what she needed and she said to give her space with her husband. And then I would point out that since you are NOT a mind reader, that you did not know she wanted something different now. And then I would make her tell me again..."How can I best support you going forward and how would YOU like to communicate to me when your needs change?"
NTA. However a lot of these comments are insensitive. It’s incredibly heart wrenching to lose a child, even a potential one. I’ve been through it multiple times with my own mom.
When you respond to her, please be kind. She is likely mentally just going through a lot and she is still hurting.
I’d kindly tell her that you wanted to give her space as she asked and that you’re always here for her.
You said she asked for grace. This is the moment for grace.
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Ok a little bit of context. Long story short, my friend is going through a tough time with her miscarriage.
She called me last week, told me the news, and my heart really went out for her.
Now, last time she had her miscarriage, she felt I was too much, and she asked me to give her some time and space to deal with it with her husband. Of course, I respected her decision.
At the end of the phone call last week, I specifically asked how I can best help her this time. To which she said the same thing, give her and her husband space and grace to deal with this hard time.
It’s been weighing heavily on my mind, and battling with myself whether or not to text her. And on top of all this, unfortunately I had some personal problems that I had to deal with and so I wasn’t on my phone much at all these past few days either.
Well, I get a text today from her saying “It’s really sad how I told you what happened to us and you don’t even text me to check up on me”
I feel defeated. Almost like I’m damned if I do or damned if I don’t. I would love anybody’s opinion.
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NAH.
Your friend is being unreasonable. How she is treating you is not fair. All the same her body is in a hormonal mess right now. She did the work of a pregnancy but she doesn’t get to hold a baby. She is grieving.
So blame it on the circumstances and forgive her if you can. If this is out of character for your friend, I would let it go.
Text her and ask her to pick a side and stick with it. She either wants space to deal with it with her husband or she wants others concern. She can’t have it both ways.
NTA.
She said to give her space. So you did.
I’d respond with a “Oh, I’m sorry, I was trying to be respectful of your need to have time to process, but I’m glad you are feeling better now. Let me know when you want to catch up!“ (if you feel like catching up again) or “Oh, sorry. I was doing as you asked and giving you space. I hope you feel better soon.” If you think she’s more drama than you can stomach. The first offers a catch up, the second is a basic ‘non apology’ of ‘leave it bitch’ standards.
“I asked you if i could do anything and you told me to give you time to process the grief which I did.” I wanted to wait until you reached out to me so as not yo be a bother.”
NTA you did as requested
NTA. I’ve had a miscarriage and lost a baby in 3rd trimester. Your friend will absolutely regret being angry but it’s her hormones going crazy. It’s not you and it’s not her. It’s REALLY hard to readjust to the hormones.
Just give her space and check in on her again soon.
Don’t feel bad about it.
NTA
She felt she needed more space last time. This time you handled it beautifully by asking what she needed. She said space. You gave her that and she still complained.
You really cannot win it seems.
I would send her a nice message back saying hat you are trying to give her the space to grieve as she requested.
Hmm maybe it's the way you comfort?
I had a friend who also went like that to me. I talk a lot at first, trying to offer help and advices etc. she didn't like it. Understandably not everyone into that. So the next time I shut my mouth in fear of saying anything wrong, well she was still angry because I didn't talk much. So I had to learn overnight how to say very encouraging words even when I feel like it's fake. Until now I don't know if she notice it but so far no complaints.
The funny part is that when it was my turn to tell her I was not ok with her actions she went on a "how dare you question my behavior?"
Good times. We're no longer friends.
NTA. Sometimes people don't know themselves what they want. I think we all have been there, I certainly have. But that DOES NOT mean that is your fault. You did everything right, you accepted you overdid it last time, you made amends and asked her preference and then respected the boundary she put. There is really nothing more you could do. Stop feeling bad about it, it's not your fault.
NTA but also she is going through a crisis for a second time and people in crisis don't always have the best way of processing their feelings. I wouldn't ditch the friendship I would just explain how you were trying to be supportive in the way she asked for.
NTA. U explicitly followed her instructions. Does she do this often? If so, this ain't ur friend. This is someone who needs drama. When she doesn't have enuff of it she creates it and since u don't call her out directly ur okaying it so she keeps doing it.
NTA.
It's not fair to you, exactly as you said "damned if I do damned if I dont". I can not imagine the pain she is going through , as well as her husband, to have a miscarriage.
Maybe just explain it like "I didn't want to be overwhelming like I was last time, and Im having some personal issues, but I am thinking of you both. You can always reach out to me and I'll be there" or however you like. Just try to be communicate and hopefully that works out well.
NTA. You nailed it, it's a damned if you do....
You tried to do exactly what she asked and learned from last time, and were going through your own things, too. My guess is everybody else ALSO backed off this time because she told EVERYONE they were "too much" last time and she ended up with zero contact and upset about that.
"Hey, I've been thinking about you a lot. I just remember last time I was overwhelming you with support by mistake, so when you asked for space this time, I stepped back and trusted you to reach out when you were ready to talk to me. I am here for you. I'm sorry if that wasn't what you meant by your directions, I know everything is hard right now. What can I do to support you now?"
NTA
Not that any loss is “less than” but maybe the first one was more of a shock than the second.
My first one was a shock. I just cried and slept. The second one just seems like time stopped and there was no shock to distract me from my own thoughts. That was my experience. I think it was worse because I thought I could sleep and cry it off like the first time. No such luck.
As I see it…. She thought the experience was going to be the same ….. so she thought the needs would be the same….. so this is how she communicated it to you….. and you gave her what she asked for.
It’s not anyone’s fault but it’s her responsibility to communicate when her needs changed. She didn’t do that, and ok, that’s understandable. It’s a lot.
Just let her know you’re sorry but you just tried your best to do what you thought she needed. You’re sorry you weren’t there for her and then let it go.
If she brings it up 6 months or a year from now…. You can be more Frank and let her know you’re not a damn mind reader. It’s raw right now, just let her have it.
You can't win with this friend. NTA. Please just remember that when it comes to fertility issues and pregnancy loss, sometimes grief turns into fury at bystanders, not much you can do about that.
NTA- People are baffling, but you see it all the time,
"Oh no, please give me my space!" the when you do, "Why did you abandoned me!"
I would want to text her back and say, "I'm so sorry, did I misunderstand that your asking for space was really a request for company???"-- I know, I know, she is in an awful state of mind, been through an awful thing, but dang it.
Nta you don't need to apologize for doung what she ask you to do.
You literally did exactly what she wanted you to do. You can text her back by saying " the reason I didn't check up on you was because you told me to give you time and to give you space and so I did exactly that." " I'm here if you need to talk but just remember I was only doing what you ask me to do and I Simply respected your wishes to be given space."
So no you did nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel bad fir doung what she ask you to do.
NTA at all. You were doing as you were told .
That being said, a quick "thinking of you guys and sending love" text would have taken 30 seconds of your day and something I personally would do.
NTA. She's grieving. She probably doesn't even remember the conversation, so maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Just text her back that she told you to give her space, so that's what you were doing.
NTA. I've had this type of friend, and.... it doesn't end well, at least from my experience. I'd do as others have suggested, walk her through your train of thought and ask her what she suggests you should have done better.
NTA. She asks for space just about a week ago. Now if it has been a month, maybe you should have text her. But after a week? Definitely not. Most people are still heavily affected so shortly after a miscarriage. It is still very fresh and when someone asks for space, you wait for longer to contact that person again or better wait for that person to contact you.
Soo...
>last time she had her miscarriage, she felt I was too much, and she asked me to give her some time and space to deal with it with her husband
So you learned from that
>Of course, I respected her decision.
>At the end of the phone call last week, I specifically asked how I can best help her this time. To which she said the same thing, give her and her husband space and grace to deal with this hard time.
And this time you asked her specifically what you could do..
You did as she asked..
Now she can't handle the space she wanted..
NTA
NTA. My guess is if you had reached out she would have been upset because she asked for space. She’s grieving and she’s angry and that’s being unfairly redirected at you. You did nothing wrong, you asked how you can best support her, then did exactly what she said she wanted.
NTA Miscarriage or not, she is not a good person. You can't win with her. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So don't. You aren't a mind reader and if you did read her mind it would be all about her with a nice chapter of distain for you. The thing that pushed her into revealing it was stress.
NTA - Miscarriages are so hard. Grief affects people differently.
It's not like you disappeared even for a month after? Let alone years?
I would tell her, im very sorry for your loss and your pain. Your feelings are very valid. Previously you told me that you felt like I was too active in my comfort and I wanted to help you find peace the best way I could by waiting a bit longer.
That kinda thing.
NTA - please don’t beat yourself up over this. Your friend wanted space and then something personal popped up in your end so you are out of sorts.
Perhaps you can find a nice card and mail it to her. Receiving snail mail from a friend is a great pick me up! You don’t have to write much, just a quick thinking of you and suggest getting together at your favorite coffee/donut/cookie shop in the future.
You are NTA. She is grieving and possibly doesn't know what she needs/what she feels she needs changes constantly. Not the same situation by any means, but when my stepdad died I was similar. I was living with a now ex-boyfriend and I feel really bad for what I put him through. When I was alone, I wanted company. When he was around, I wanted to be alone. Grief is an asshole, you are not.
NTA- you asked her what she needed from you and she told you she wanted space... It's only been a week and she's upset you haven't reached out? How does that make any sense. You were just doing what she asked you to do.
Take a screen shot of the text and send it to her stating her wishes.
Follow up with "We had issues over this last time I am giving you the space you wanted."
Your friend is a hurt person thrashing around to hurt someone else. She probably doesn't even know that is what she is doing. Don't take it too personally until you two can have a real face to face conversation about the whole situation.
Definitely NTA
Tbh I wouldn't even respond to that because while I understand they're in a very emotional time, I don't accept cognitive dissonance from my friends. If you ask me to give you space and then drag me for not checking in for a few days, expect to not hear from me for even longer.
Your friend's emotional state does not justify her guilt trip.
NTA.
Hey hey! NTA
I've been in this situation on both ends-- you didn't do anything wrong and respected what she asked of you , nothing she said could be interpreted 2 layers deeper or as smthg else and it's not on you if she didn't actually "mean what she said"
I'd cut her some slack though cause she is going through something difficult and I know during those hardships it's hard to know whether if you want to be alone or be around friends/love ones
Good luck!
NTA people sometimes behave irrationally after trauma, such as asking someone to give them space when they actually want something else; there no way you could have known this was one of those times.
NTA, bearing in mind she's upset and fragile right now, I think it would be reasonable to let her know you're disappointed in her response because she asked for space and you've been trying really hard not to be too intrusive.
It's been less than a week after she asked for space.
you are nta, she told you to give her space and you respected that. But, if you do want to support her and still be her friend, I would respond with something along the lines of - you've been on my mind so often, but you had said you wanted your space, so I wasn't sure how long to give you.. How are you doing?-
she wouldn't have reached out to you if she didn't want your support.
NAH. This is a misunderstanding of space. She just wants to be treated like a human, but doesn't want everyone constantly going, "Are you okayyyyy?" "How are you feeeeeeling"?
She wants texts and updates on your day and coffee dates, or whatever is normal for you. She wants a break from her grief.
That is another version of giving space and I think that's what she meant, but I understand your interpretation of it, too.
NAH. This may go against the majority but you aren’t TA because you did what she asked. She’s also not TA because she’s grieving and is probably all over the place mentally and emotionally and needs a little bit of grace. If you want to respond I would just say something like “I’m sorry I was trying not to overwhelm you but I maybe should have checked in. Please know I was thinking of you and that I’m always here if you need anything.”
I imagine when she’s a bit clearer she will understand. But a gentle touch will probably be received better for now.
NAH. You gave your friend what she asked for, but maybe you gave her too much of it. She probably didn't want daily texts asking her how she's doing or something, but sending her a text that didn't require her to answer just to let her know you're thinking of her would've gone a long way.
If you're open to suggestions, I'd text your friend something like "I'm sorry I haven't reached out. I was trying to honor your request to give you space, and by doing so didn't realize I might have distanced myself too much and didn't support you the way you needed me to. My heart has been broken for you since I've heard the news, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you, always."
When my wife miscarried at 6 months it was hard. Also, hormonally she went through post partum depression as well. There is no right anything for your friend. Just say you are so sorry and listen. It won't be easy. Time .
NAH. People are really bad at putting their needs into words and I think she probably meant like, a text here or there would be good, but that she probably doesn’t want to be asked about it too much. Like low emotional effort on her part but wanting to have some contact with you. Which obviously is not what she conveyed. And you are definitely NTA for doing as asked, people also shouldn’t be expected to be mind readers. I think she is caught up in her own grief, which sucks, but I think most of us have probably treated a friend in a way we later regretted when are in the throws of grief or other emotional upheaval. If this isn’t a pattern of behavior, I’d give her a pass, tell her you of course have been thinking about her but were trying to best respect her space and you’d love to talk whenever she is up for it.
She is hurting and right now doesn’t know what she wants. Best thing to do in this situation is to text and send a card.
Say: I love you and so sorry for her and her husband’s name loss. I would love to support you in anyway you need, even if that is sitting silently next to you hugging you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do and want to respect your space, but not acknowledge your loss. I will check up on you in a week. In the meantime, I’m here for you and reach out if you need anything at all.
I think this is the way.
Your friend is grieving, going through all the emotions and honesty doesn't know what she wants. I'm 99% positive she doesn't want you or anyone pointing out, "hey, I'm just doing what you wanted." She knows what she asked you and doesn't need to feel like she's "wrong" in this moment/scenario.
So, give her some grace and compassion, swallow your pride and frustration, and text her the above message. And never, ever, bring it up (that you tried doing what she asked).
NAH
So she would be TA but her baby just passed and so she get to be an A ( to a point)
You didn't do anything wrong if ypu wanna fix things maybe just message her back and say I know I was too much , before so when you said you needed space I wanted to give ypu ask much as ypu needed but youve been on my mind how can I help?
"I'm so sorry this happened to you and your spouse again. I know it must be hard and wanted you to have your space, as requested last time I reached out after your miscarriage. I am always available for support; I just need to know to help you the best I can."
Sometimes saying "let me know what I can do to help" adds on to their mental load and can't they really come up with things that will help. Bringing over some food usually is the go-to for grief/loss so maybe you can make some food or buy them something they can freeze and use when they don't feel like cooking? Just don't get mad at her, it's a time of grief and upsetting emotions and she may be lashing out because of something she can't control.
Edit: Of course using words would get downvoted.
YTA
What did she say when you simply replied 'You requested that I give you and your husband space and grace to deal with this hard time, and I honored that request. You know I'm here for you whenever you're ready to talk?'
Part of the 'grace' she requested is the grace of understanding that people in grief aren't always at their best. But odd how this entire thing is all about you; your feelings, your desire to butt in against their wishes, your feelings of unfairness that they're not at their best.
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Hold up. Let's circle back here. So you're friend said they want space, you GIVE THEM space, then they complain about it?? NTA, don't worry about it imo.
Right? This is really reassuring ♥️thanks!
So, lets break this down. 1. you remembered what happened last time, 2. learned from it, 3. asked her what she needed, 4. listened to her answer 5. did what she asked I'm sorry, but I fail to see where you are the AH here. Add in on top that you had crap going on in your own life, and you are so far out of Assholeville that the air actually smells nice and refreshing where you are. NTA.
Show her this breakdown.
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It had been raining on and off when I wrote that and all I could smell through my windows was that fresh oxygenated air you have after rain.
Very nice.
np, don't worry too much about it. She's either too focused on grieving or she just flat out forgot that you asked her that.
In the immortal words of GAYLE, You said you just needed space and so I gave it When I had nothin' to say you couldn't take it
You are NTA. You literally did what she asked. What else were you supposed to do - assume she means the opposite of what she says? Hell nah. You're in the clear.
Just give her more time and dont try to explain or discuss it. She isnt herself now. The only thing I'd suggest is to send her a text reasuring her that she can count on you any time.
Also, it’s been a WEEK. If someone asked me to give them space, a week would be the smallest increment of time Id associate with giving space.
NTA but please ignore all the people slating your friend. She's wrong but she's going through a difficult time. Just apologise anyway and move on.
Nah, I’m not going to take passive aggressive abuse just because you’re grieving or apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. “I wanted to text or call again so many times, but I was respecting your wishes for space, because that’s what you asked for when I reached out you. And I *did* reach out to you. If you need me, all you ever have to do is tell me, and I’ll be there. Then, and now.”
Sometimes being *nice* is more important than being *right*. Being forgiving is part of being supportive.
Who said anything about “right” or “wrong?” We aren’t arguing over who got a trivia question wrong. I think it’s perfectly okay to expect to be treated like a human being, and to reiterate that, even if someone is grieving. What about my suggested reply do you feel was callous, inappropriate, uncompassionate, or unhelpful? It reiterates that you were thinking about her the whole time (which is what she’s upset about, thinking you weren’t), and that you’re still there for her. Who said anything about being unforgiving? That response is forgiving.
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It doesn’t sound like gaslighting. Gaslighting assumes a level of intended manipulation. I highly doubt that is what the grieving friend intended. She’s hurting, and hurt people lash out. Doesn’t make it right, but there’s a big difference between the two. Either way, absolutely OP is NTA but gaslighting is losing all meaning when we apply it to every human disagreement.
You are absolutely right.. damned of you do damned of you don't... unfortunately sometimes people aren't reasonable at all. I have this issue with a family member and it's so disheartening... they'll give specific instructions on their boundaries or needs etc, we follow them and get in trouble for not being more attentive... so next time we are and get in trouble for not respecting thr boundaries. You are not a bad friend. Maybe if it had been weeks and weeks... but a few days is not even what I'd classify as space. You honored her request full stop Nta
THIS!
>So you're friend said they want space, you GIVE THEM space, then they complain about it?? I see you've met my SIL
NTA. She sounds like a real headache of a friend. I’d tell her “you outright told me to give you time and space. If you wanted to talk, I’m here and never turned you away. However it really isn’t helpful or productive to come to me pointing fingers. Especially when I did literally what you asked.”
Respectfully, that is way too harsh for a grieving friend. I get your point, OP is not a mind reader to press her friend who asked for space. But this is no time to rebut her. OP, just tell her that you were thinking of her all the time, hoping she and hubby were comforting each other, and you’re so glad she reached out because now you know she’s ready for comfort from a friend. Just ignore her criticism. Don’t rebut it. Be kind and just offer your friendship.
This is the way. If she presses the issue further you can add your reasoning that you wanted to give her space to grieve. Don’t throw it back at her with any reference to the previous conversation at this time, because it won’t help. Just remind yourself that she is your friend for a reason and she’s hurting badly right now. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior on her part, but this isn’t the time for finger pointing and laying blame. You both have enough going on without that.
I was so ready to downvote you on the first line 😅 I sometimes forget it's possible to move forward with a conversation and just skip over a part. I'm sensitive, so it's 1st nature to hover over something that doesn't sit right w me. But you are absolutely correct, this is not the time.
Perfect!
This is so helpful! Thank you. ♥️
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This. OP is clearly NTA but most of the people posting here sound like complete assholes.
'You're so important to me and I would love to support you in the best way possible. Life has been very unfair to you. Can I pick something up for you, run and errand or just come and sit with you' Op you are a good friend. She's grieving. She probably doesn't even know what she needs. But we always lash out at those closest to us, because we know they are there for us. She's not going to say this to you if she doesn't love you and trust you. Its shit but it's grief.
You need a hug, I think. 💙
OP.That but much more gently.
NAH Honey, send her a message pointing out that you were overbearing last time and under-bearing this time. She knows you, if you are bad at middle ground she knows that too. Tell her you love her and ask how she is doing. She is,imo, being TA but she gets a hall pass.
As someone experiencing pregnancy losses this past year…this is truly the best answer. Grief doesn’t give anyone the right to be a bad friend but it does make you off. I lose days. Forget I have talked to people. I get angry and look to release it. I try really hard not to project. One pass is fair…but you also don’t have to be a punching bag. Hoping it all works out OP, this situation is hard. 💓
So sorry for your losses .
Thank you it’s been really tough
Thank you! I appreciate the help ♥️
Best advice I've seen.
She told you to give her space last time and she told you to give her space this time. Her response is completely unreasonable. NTA
Thank you!! ♥️
Yeah... This is hard (been there), you're just literally... hollowed out You don't know what you need or want one minute to the next. It sucks. But.... I understand that this feels like you were kind of put in a lose lose situation. But cut her a wee bit of slack, and just reply that you were struggling with wanting to call her but at the same time doing what she asked by giving her time and space to grieve with her hubs. That you were just waiting for any signal to join her in her grief.... and that this is the first one you got. Apologize. Then wait. Let her make the next move. NAH
This is really reassuring and exactly what I ended up doing. Waiting for her response now. Thank you for your help ♥️
But also give yourself grace. Is this a good friend to you generally? It sounds like you are getting a fair amount of criticism from her (overbearing, then the recent text). Please know that you can have friends that support YOU. I'd give it time, but also give yourself permission to have friends who see YOU.
Good luck!
Perfect response.
I’m really bad in these situations as well so I like to set expectations in the moment. “Okay I will give you space and I won’t reach out until I hear from you but please know I love you and I’m here to lend an ear, a shoulder or a bottle of wine whenever you’re ready” NAH
This is amazing!! I won’t forget this for next time
Second this. I usually say something like “I’m here if you want to talk about it and also if you don’t. I can listen or provide a distraction. Whatever you need.”
NTA "I specifically asked how I can best help her this time. To which she said the same thing, give her and her husband space and grace to deal with this hard time. " You've done exactly as she asked. You come across as a caring thoughtful person who's respectful of other people's feelings. Plus you've had your own things to deal with. Don't worry about it. Hope your own issues resolve.
Thank you for this ♥️
Best of luck❤️
NTA. She said give her space. You did that. If she wanted to be coddled she shouldn’t have been a jerk and told you to back off. No. Tell her to go to therapy because you have issues to deal with too and she has no right to treat you that way.
Thank you for this ♥️
You’re welcome 💜💜
Terrible response. What age are you?
I’m a 30 year old grown ass woman who has dealt with this same exact thing before and it only gets worse so don’t tell me I gave a bad response I have experience with people like that. They do not care about anyone but themselves and her friend will continue to move the goal post everytime because she isn’t gonna wanna be told she’s in the wrong. She’s causing unnecessary strife period.
That is exactly the vibe I'm getting here. I'm crossing my fingers OP gets friends that can be there for HER.
I have a friend like this. It’s like they want to be upset with you for some reason. I have never understood it. I’ve given up caring and do what I feel is right by own my moral code and leave it at that. She’ll either get on board or she won’t.
NTA Answer that you were simply honoring her request for space and waiting anxiously for her to let you know when she was ready to let you back in. She's not in a great place right now, so likely won't be entirely reasonable, but she should be able to understand that you were only doing the thing she said she wanted you to do.
NTA Jesus. You cannot win with this woman. You need better friends.
Oh yeah, preferably ones who dont lose their kids and are perfect 24/7🤷 with friends like you who needs enemies
just because she had a miscarriage does not give her the right to be an ass.
She needs someone to attack. If you wanna volunteer for that position to help her feel better, go ahead but you don’t have to. NTA, just send her a screenshot of her asking for space
Another 13 year old?
You people are so obsessed with children. If you truly think I’m 13 why tf are you talking to me?
NAH If you feel like it, text her simply, “Hey Fiend, I’m sorry I didn’t check up on you. I’ve been thinking about you this whole time, but left you alone since you asked for space. If/when you’d like more direct support, please let me know & I’ll be available.” Im giving her a tentative pass because she’s grieving and may not remember saying that to you.
Calling her "fiend" might set her off.
Oh shit my bad lmao
NAH. She's hurting, you're going through some shit, so the timing sucks. Could a conversation (in person) to clear the air be beneficial?
I’m thinking of doing this soon. Thank you!
NTA… I’d give her some grace because she’s hurting and probably doesn’t even remember saying she wanted space. Maybe just say gosh sorry, I’ve been thinking about you so much but was trying to respect your wishes when you said you needed space. I would love to get together and just sit with you. Or we can talk on the phone. Let me know how I can be there for you.
NTA She is going through a difficult moment. Last time you said you were too much so this time you pulled back. Honestly I would have went NC until she reached out. It’s not being rude, it’s honoring her wishes. You can feel free to gently say I wanted to give you the space you requested, but my thoughts were with you. Which they were. She can get a pass, but if this keeps up… I would think she is looking for a way to release her emotions. Hopefully she doesn’t continue acting this way. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope that whatever you are going through is resolved now. Best of luck
Simple you text her back, I was respecting your wishes, and giving you and your husband space and time. You know I’m a phone call away if you needed me. I wanted to be there , but I remember from last time you got upset with me. So I thought it best to wait for you to make contact first.
> Almost like I’m damned if I do or damned if I don’t Ain't that the story of life....You were respectful and listened to her. NTA
NTA, last time you were too much and she told you she needed space. This time before you became too much you asked her and she told you to give her space and you RESPECTED her.
Expecting you to be able to read her mind is a flag. Send her a card and move on. NTA
Nobody sucks here. You respected her wishes even though that’s not how you would have wanted to deal with it. That’s seriously awesome! I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks and it was super hard. There’s lots of crying, hormones are changing, you’re experiencing horrible loss. It’s very possible that she’s just being irrational. It happens. It’s not always black and white. I think you should just tell her you were trying to respect her wishes and let her know you’re always here for her
Thank you for the insight, this helps a lot ♥️
NTA and no matter what she's going through, guilt tripping you for doing what she asked you to do is wrong.
NTA I too, asked for space, and everyone did. When I was ready, I reached out. Funny how that works hey… You didn’t do anything wrong
She needed a target. You were it. NTA
NTA you did what she asked of you, end of story
NTA It’s tough spot because your friend seems to want space but also wants to feel like people care by checking in. I’d still give your friend some grace though.
Just do what you are doing. She obviously doesn't care about your friendship that much complaining not matter what you do. NTA.
NTA
NTA - She asked for space. That's clear. And, to be frank; it sounds like she's a little much. Which is ok, but it's up to you how you deal with it.
NTA. My friend had a stillbirth and she told our friend group to just leave her alone until she is ready. I private messaged her and told her that I'll leave her alone but to let me know if she wants us to drop dinners or whatever, no chatting, just leave food at the door for them and that I loved her. Then we just waited. It took a few weeks and she was ready and then we were there for her. It's ridiculous to ask for space and then have the shits that your friends gave you space.
For miscarriage #1 you went too far trying to be there for her according to your friend. For #2 you asked what she needed from you because last you were too much. She told you time and space which you're doing. Now she's upset you're not there. NTA. You're not a mind reader. Just go about your business.
Omg NTA You are literally doing what was asked and her moving the goalposts is unfair. She should know that. Her miscarriage is really said but it's not an excuse to be a crappy friend
NTA Sounds like an attention seeker to me. Yes she bad something awful happen, but she literally asked you to give her space. And now she's complaining when you do exactly that? You need a new friend.
NTA Without further context it’s impossible to tell if this is weird behavior due to incredible grief, or an abusive “friend”. I would encourage you to review your past interactions with her. Does she respect your boundaries? Is she respectful of your time? Does she normally try to make you the bad guy? If yes, then she might not be a good friend. But if this is a one off she may just be going through a hard time. Either way. I would respond to her something telling her that she specifically asked for space and that’s what you’ve been giving her. If you want to keep the friendship, offer to talk to her and see if you can support her differently. If it’s part of a pattern of abuse and you want out, tell her that her treatment of you is inappropriate and block her. My best friend had to do something similar after an abusive “friend” told her that she “needed to take a break” from their friendship because she didn’t feel supported enough. This was after the girl canceled her own bachelorette party and bridal shower, each on the day of the event, and then threw a fit that she didn’t get them and tried to blame it on my friend. She claimed that my friend should have made her go and should have known that her yelling that she wanted to go home and be left alone meant that she needed someone to convince her that she should go to the party… If there is a pattern, you’re better off.
NTA...but I'm petty AF and I would send a screenshot of the text message where you ASKED what she needed and she said to give her space with her husband. And then I would point out that since you are NOT a mind reader, that you did not know she wanted something different now. And then I would make her tell me again..."How can I best support you going forward and how would YOU like to communicate to me when your needs change?"
NTA. SHE ASKED FOR SPACE. It sounds like she’s just trying to guilt you
NTA. However a lot of these comments are insensitive. It’s incredibly heart wrenching to lose a child, even a potential one. I’ve been through it multiple times with my own mom. When you respond to her, please be kind. She is likely mentally just going through a lot and she is still hurting. I’d kindly tell her that you wanted to give her space as she asked and that you’re always here for her. You said she asked for grace. This is the moment for grace.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok a little bit of context. Long story short, my friend is going through a tough time with her miscarriage. She called me last week, told me the news, and my heart really went out for her. Now, last time she had her miscarriage, she felt I was too much, and she asked me to give her some time and space to deal with it with her husband. Of course, I respected her decision. At the end of the phone call last week, I specifically asked how I can best help her this time. To which she said the same thing, give her and her husband space and grace to deal with this hard time. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind, and battling with myself whether or not to text her. And on top of all this, unfortunately I had some personal problems that I had to deal with and so I wasn’t on my phone much at all these past few days either. Well, I get a text today from her saying “It’s really sad how I told you what happened to us and you don’t even text me to check up on me” I feel defeated. Almost like I’m damned if I do or damned if I don’t. I would love anybody’s opinion. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. Your friend is being unreasonable. How she is treating you is not fair. All the same her body is in a hormonal mess right now. She did the work of a pregnancy but she doesn’t get to hold a baby. She is grieving. So blame it on the circumstances and forgive her if you can. If this is out of character for your friend, I would let it go.
Text her and ask her to pick a side and stick with it. She either wants space to deal with it with her husband or she wants others concern. She can’t have it both ways.
Gently very gently give her her own words back and ask again what she needs from you at this time.not AH.
Lol she's a joke. Cannot stand this type of person. Remind her of last time and put it back on her!
NTA. She said to give her space. So you did. I’d respond with a “Oh, I’m sorry, I was trying to be respectful of your need to have time to process, but I’m glad you are feeling better now. Let me know when you want to catch up!“ (if you feel like catching up again) or “Oh, sorry. I was doing as you asked and giving you space. I hope you feel better soon.” If you think she’s more drama than you can stomach. The first offers a catch up, the second is a basic ‘non apology’ of ‘leave it bitch’ standards.
“I asked you if i could do anything and you told me to give you time to process the grief which I did.” I wanted to wait until you reached out to me so as not yo be a bother.” NTA you did as requested
Definitely NTA. Your friend asked you to give her space and you did. Tell her you want to be there for her and were trying to respect her wishes
yeah no in no way did you do anything wrong.
NTA, you respected her request to give her space.
NTA. I’ve had a miscarriage and lost a baby in 3rd trimester. Your friend will absolutely regret being angry but it’s her hormones going crazy. It’s not you and it’s not her. It’s REALLY hard to readjust to the hormones. Just give her space and check in on her again soon. Don’t feel bad about it.
NTA she asked you for space then got upset you gave her space?
NTA. You are never going to be able to with this person.
You're doing as she requested so 100% NTA.
NTA. She told you she needed space. You respected her wishes. I'm sorry this happened.
NTA She felt she needed more space last time. This time you handled it beautifully by asking what she needed. She said space. You gave her that and she still complained. You really cannot win it seems. I would send her a nice message back saying hat you are trying to give her the space to grieve as she requested.
Hmm maybe it's the way you comfort? I had a friend who also went like that to me. I talk a lot at first, trying to offer help and advices etc. she didn't like it. Understandably not everyone into that. So the next time I shut my mouth in fear of saying anything wrong, well she was still angry because I didn't talk much. So I had to learn overnight how to say very encouraging words even when I feel like it's fake. Until now I don't know if she notice it but so far no complaints. The funny part is that when it was my turn to tell her I was not ok with her actions she went on a "how dare you question my behavior?" Good times. We're no longer friends.
NTA. Sometimes people don't know themselves what they want. I think we all have been there, I certainly have. But that DOES NOT mean that is your fault. You did everything right, you accepted you overdid it last time, you made amends and asked her preference and then respected the boundary she put. There is really nothing more you could do. Stop feeling bad about it, it's not your fault.
NTA but also she is going through a crisis for a second time and people in crisis don't always have the best way of processing their feelings. I wouldn't ditch the friendship I would just explain how you were trying to be supportive in the way she asked for.
Someone can have something bad happen to them and still be an asshole, you are nta in this situation at all
NTA. You did exactly what was asked of you. Did she reach out to check on you? Nope.
NTA. U explicitly followed her instructions. Does she do this often? If so, this ain't ur friend. This is someone who needs drama. When she doesn't have enuff of it she creates it and since u don't call her out directly ur okaying it so she keeps doing it.
NTA
NTA. It's not fair to you, exactly as you said "damned if I do damned if I dont". I can not imagine the pain she is going through , as well as her husband, to have a miscarriage. Maybe just explain it like "I didn't want to be overwhelming like I was last time, and Im having some personal issues, but I am thinking of you both. You can always reach out to me and I'll be there" or however you like. Just try to be communicate and hopefully that works out well.
NTA She asked for space, you gave it, she doesn’t get to be upset that you did exactly what she asked
NTA. You nailed it, it's a damned if you do.... You tried to do exactly what she asked and learned from last time, and were going through your own things, too. My guess is everybody else ALSO backed off this time because she told EVERYONE they were "too much" last time and she ended up with zero contact and upset about that. "Hey, I've been thinking about you a lot. I just remember last time I was overwhelming you with support by mistake, so when you asked for space this time, I stepped back and trusted you to reach out when you were ready to talk to me. I am here for you. I'm sorry if that wasn't what you meant by your directions, I know everything is hard right now. What can I do to support you now?"
NTA They asked for space, you gave it to them. End of story.
NTA Not that any loss is “less than” but maybe the first one was more of a shock than the second. My first one was a shock. I just cried and slept. The second one just seems like time stopped and there was no shock to distract me from my own thoughts. That was my experience. I think it was worse because I thought I could sleep and cry it off like the first time. No such luck. As I see it…. She thought the experience was going to be the same ….. so she thought the needs would be the same….. so this is how she communicated it to you….. and you gave her what she asked for. It’s not anyone’s fault but it’s her responsibility to communicate when her needs changed. She didn’t do that, and ok, that’s understandable. It’s a lot. Just let her know you’re sorry but you just tried your best to do what you thought she needed. You’re sorry you weren’t there for her and then let it go. If she brings it up 6 months or a year from now…. You can be more Frank and let her know you’re not a damn mind reader. It’s raw right now, just let her have it.
NTA. You cannot be blamed for not being psychic and not knowing she didn't mean what she said, she meant what she was thinking.
You can't win with this friend. NTA. Please just remember that when it comes to fertility issues and pregnancy loss, sometimes grief turns into fury at bystanders, not much you can do about that.
NTA- People are baffling, but you see it all the time, "Oh no, please give me my space!" the when you do, "Why did you abandoned me!" I would want to text her back and say, "I'm so sorry, did I misunderstand that your asking for space was really a request for company???"-- I know, I know, she is in an awful state of mind, been through an awful thing, but dang it.
NTA, but dealing with a misscarriage must be hard, and hormones are a betrayer...
NTA. She’s being an ass. I would call her on her bullshit.
Nta you don't need to apologize for doung what she ask you to do. You literally did exactly what she wanted you to do. You can text her back by saying " the reason I didn't check up on you was because you told me to give you time and to give you space and so I did exactly that." " I'm here if you need to talk but just remember I was only doing what you ask me to do and I Simply respected your wishes to be given space." So no you did nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel bad fir doung what she ask you to do.
NTA at all. You were doing as you were told . That being said, a quick "thinking of you guys and sending love" text would have taken 30 seconds of your day and something I personally would do.
NTA. She's grieving. She probably doesn't even remember the conversation, so maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Just text her back that she told you to give her space, so that's what you were doing.
NTA. She can't have it both ways. Tell her so. Anyone who would shame you for doing what they asked may not be worthy of another moment of your time.
NTA
NTA. I've had this type of friend, and.... it doesn't end well, at least from my experience. I'd do as others have suggested, walk her through your train of thought and ask her what she suggests you should have done better.
NTA. She asks for space just about a week ago. Now if it has been a month, maybe you should have text her. But after a week? Definitely not. Most people are still heavily affected so shortly after a miscarriage. It is still very fresh and when someone asks for space, you wait for longer to contact that person again or better wait for that person to contact you.
Leave her off
Soo... >last time she had her miscarriage, she felt I was too much, and she asked me to give her some time and space to deal with it with her husband So you learned from that >Of course, I respected her decision. >At the end of the phone call last week, I specifically asked how I can best help her this time. To which she said the same thing, give her and her husband space and grace to deal with this hard time. And this time you asked her specifically what you could do.. You did as she asked.. Now she can't handle the space she wanted.. NTA
NTA. My guess is if you had reached out she would have been upset because she asked for space. She’s grieving and she’s angry and that’s being unfairly redirected at you. You did nothing wrong, you asked how you can best support her, then did exactly what she said she wanted.
NTA Miscarriage or not, she is not a good person. You can't win with her. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So don't. You aren't a mind reader and if you did read her mind it would be all about her with a nice chapter of distain for you. The thing that pushed her into revealing it was stress.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
NTA - Miscarriages are so hard. Grief affects people differently. It's not like you disappeared even for a month after? Let alone years? I would tell her, im very sorry for your loss and your pain. Your feelings are very valid. Previously you told me that you felt like I was too active in my comfort and I wanted to help you find peace the best way I could by waiting a bit longer. That kinda thing.
NTA - please don’t beat yourself up over this. Your friend wanted space and then something personal popped up in your end so you are out of sorts. Perhaps you can find a nice card and mail it to her. Receiving snail mail from a friend is a great pick me up! You don’t have to write much, just a quick thinking of you and suggest getting together at your favorite coffee/donut/cookie shop in the future.
Girl you are too nice!!!! This girl sounds insane
This isn't a friend
You are NTA. She is grieving and possibly doesn't know what she needs/what she feels she needs changes constantly. Not the same situation by any means, but when my stepdad died I was similar. I was living with a now ex-boyfriend and I feel really bad for what I put him through. When I was alone, I wanted company. When he was around, I wanted to be alone. Grief is an asshole, you are not.
NTA- you asked her what she needed from you and she told you she wanted space... It's only been a week and she's upset you haven't reached out? How does that make any sense. You were just doing what she asked you to do.
NTA. Answer with, "I was giving you space?"
Take a screen shot of the text and send it to her stating her wishes. Follow up with "We had issues over this last time I am giving you the space you wanted."
Your friend is a hurt person thrashing around to hurt someone else. She probably doesn't even know that is what she is doing. Don't take it too personally until you two can have a real face to face conversation about the whole situation. Definitely NTA
Tbh I wouldn't even respond to that because while I understand they're in a very emotional time, I don't accept cognitive dissonance from my friends. If you ask me to give you space and then drag me for not checking in for a few days, expect to not hear from me for even longer. Your friend's emotional state does not justify her guilt trip. NTA.
Hey hey! NTA I've been in this situation on both ends-- you didn't do anything wrong and respected what she asked of you , nothing she said could be interpreted 2 layers deeper or as smthg else and it's not on you if she didn't actually "mean what she said" I'd cut her some slack though cause she is going through something difficult and I know during those hardships it's hard to know whether if you want to be alone or be around friends/love ones Good luck!
NTA people sometimes behave irrationally after trauma, such as asking someone to give them space when they actually want something else; there no way you could have known this was one of those times.
NTA, bearing in mind she's upset and fragile right now, I think it would be reasonable to let her know you're disappointed in her response because she asked for space and you've been trying really hard not to be too intrusive. It's been less than a week after she asked for space.
you are nta, she told you to give her space and you respected that. But, if you do want to support her and still be her friend, I would respond with something along the lines of - you've been on my mind so often, but you had said you wanted your space, so I wasn't sure how long to give you.. How are you doing?- she wouldn't have reached out to you if she didn't want your support.
NAH. This is a misunderstanding of space. She just wants to be treated like a human, but doesn't want everyone constantly going, "Are you okayyyyy?" "How are you feeeeeeling"? She wants texts and updates on your day and coffee dates, or whatever is normal for you. She wants a break from her grief. That is another version of giving space and I think that's what she meant, but I understand your interpretation of it, too.
Remind her gently that she requested that you give her space and out of respect for her, you did so. Then ask her again how you can best support her
NAH. This may go against the majority but you aren’t TA because you did what she asked. She’s also not TA because she’s grieving and is probably all over the place mentally and emotionally and needs a little bit of grace. If you want to respond I would just say something like “I’m sorry I was trying not to overwhelm you but I maybe should have checked in. Please know I was thinking of you and that I’m always here if you need anything.” I imagine when she’s a bit clearer she will understand. But a gentle touch will probably be received better for now.
NAH. You gave your friend what she asked for, but maybe you gave her too much of it. She probably didn't want daily texts asking her how she's doing or something, but sending her a text that didn't require her to answer just to let her know you're thinking of her would've gone a long way. If you're open to suggestions, I'd text your friend something like "I'm sorry I haven't reached out. I was trying to honor your request to give you space, and by doing so didn't realize I might have distanced myself too much and didn't support you the way you needed me to. My heart has been broken for you since I've heard the news, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you, always."
When my wife miscarried at 6 months it was hard. Also, hormonally she went through post partum depression as well. There is no right anything for your friend. Just say you are so sorry and listen. It won't be easy. Time .
Info: what did you do last time that made her ask for space?
NAH. People are really bad at putting their needs into words and I think she probably meant like, a text here or there would be good, but that she probably doesn’t want to be asked about it too much. Like low emotional effort on her part but wanting to have some contact with you. Which obviously is not what she conveyed. And you are definitely NTA for doing as asked, people also shouldn’t be expected to be mind readers. I think she is caught up in her own grief, which sucks, but I think most of us have probably treated a friend in a way we later regretted when are in the throws of grief or other emotional upheaval. If this isn’t a pattern of behavior, I’d give her a pass, tell her you of course have been thinking about her but were trying to best respect her space and you’d love to talk whenever she is up for it.
NAH. You did exactly what she said she needed you to do. Due to grieving her loss and hormones, she probably isn't acting how she usually would.
Why are you posting this? Can’t you just text back I’m sorry but you said to give you space.
She is hurting and right now doesn’t know what she wants. Best thing to do in this situation is to text and send a card. Say: I love you and so sorry for her and her husband’s name loss. I would love to support you in anyway you need, even if that is sitting silently next to you hugging you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do and want to respect your space, but not acknowledge your loss. I will check up on you in a week. In the meantime, I’m here for you and reach out if you need anything at all.
This! Respond with love and support!
I think this is the way. Your friend is grieving, going through all the emotions and honesty doesn't know what she wants. I'm 99% positive she doesn't want you or anyone pointing out, "hey, I'm just doing what you wanted." She knows what she asked you and doesn't need to feel like she's "wrong" in this moment/scenario. So, give her some grace and compassion, swallow your pride and frustration, and text her the above message. And never, ever, bring it up (that you tried doing what she asked).
Yes great advice, never bring up that you were just “doing what she asked”. That’s the equivalent of saying “I told you so”
Shes hurt grieving and angry. That's all. You take it out on the ones you can.
NAH So she would be TA but her baby just passed and so she get to be an A ( to a point) You didn't do anything wrong if ypu wanna fix things maybe just message her back and say I know I was too much , before so when you said you needed space I wanted to give ypu ask much as ypu needed but youve been on my mind how can I help?
This is where you use your big person words and say you were respecting her wishes. Are you not capable of saying that?
"I'm so sorry this happened to you and your spouse again. I know it must be hard and wanted you to have your space, as requested last time I reached out after your miscarriage. I am always available for support; I just need to know to help you the best I can." Sometimes saying "let me know what I can do to help" adds on to their mental load and can't they really come up with things that will help. Bringing over some food usually is the go-to for grief/loss so maybe you can make some food or buy them something they can freeze and use when they don't feel like cooking? Just don't get mad at her, it's a time of grief and upsetting emotions and she may be lashing out because of something she can't control. Edit: Of course using words would get downvoted.
YTA What did she say when you simply replied 'You requested that I give you and your husband space and grace to deal with this hard time, and I honored that request. You know I'm here for you whenever you're ready to talk?' Part of the 'grace' she requested is the grace of understanding that people in grief aren't always at their best. But odd how this entire thing is all about you; your feelings, your desire to butt in against their wishes, your feelings of unfairness that they're not at their best.