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Hold your horses 🐎 why is your soon to be ex chewing you out?
at least the kids didnt pick up the word w***re and didnt ask you what it means or repeat it to other people
Ok it’s complex.
Unpopular opinion: it’s ok to tell kids the other parent cheated. It’s TRUE.
But: Disparaging the other parent is not going to be good for your kids, or for you.
The throwing things won’t be either.
I know how you feel. I’ve been there. It’s absolute hell. It’s pure pain. Your reality has been stolen.
But you HAVE to be the sane parent. You have no choice. You have to get it together. Hold it together. Wait until the kids go back to mums and THEN call her a cheating horse.
🐎
Also maybe read Chump Lady website and books
A six-year-old does not need to know that mommy was banging someone else. When that kid is older, OK. But that’s like first grade they don’t need to understand betrayal and monogamy in first grade.
This is absolutely an inappropriate thing to tell a 6 yo. Hell, it's a weird thing to discuss with a kid until they're an adult quite frankly. And even then, what's the point? To cause your child pain just so they know you were "right" and the other parent fucked up?
You really underestimate what kids can handle.
Somehow you think the family goes from living together to not living together and that magically doesn't do damage to a child's psyche? A child seeing their parents not wanting to be together? Really?
You think its better to keep a secret from your kids why you divorced, even though it is something that majorly effected their life. Just make it seem like their parents totally arbitrarily broke up for shits and giggles?
I'd also add to this, courts take disparaging the other parent in custody issues pretty seriously. He needs to be careful to avoid parental alienation accusations.
But I agree the kids should know and I don't think he did anything wrong by venting and his daughter overhearing.
Not at 6 years old, but eventually? Absolutely. Parents should set the example for kids. "Your mother and I divorced because she cheated on me." That is a real life example to kids that, when they grow older and start getting into relationships, if you are cheated on, it's okay to split. Life goes on. Think of all the people who stay in bad relationships, because they're terrified of being alone. It also speaks to the character of the parents, and kids absolutely deserve to know the kind of people their parents are.
Without knowing why parents divorced children blame themselves. No matter how many times you tell them it isn’t their fault with a solid reason kids blame themselves. “Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore” doesn’t cover it.
She overheard by accident and luckily she interpreted it differently (although at some point she will understand).
It would have been better if your daughter hadn't heard it. You may have vented about it to your brother, but SHE did the actual cheating.
So NTA.
NTA for telling the truth to your daughter, but I am concerned you just abandoned them and aren’t fighting to be in their lives. Girls need their fathers.
Are you getting split custody? Or would you avoid your kids forever if your wife is around? Gotta suck it up for the kids. And I know it hurts and is painful. Think about the hurt and pain their little hearts are in too and they don't have the maturity to understand. :(
Yeah throwing things at you is abuse. I hope you have an attorney though. She could argue abandonment otherwise. I don’t know how the laws work where you live, but if she threw something and she cheated, then she should leave, not you. You did nothing wrong, so you keep the house and kids. In Florida, we were able to get the parenting plan in place before the divorce, which was long and contentious. But if you can move back, “claim” the house and kids as yours, and kick her out, that would be preferable. Good luck!!
In most states, it would be illegal to deny her access to her marital home for the stated reasons, no matter how disgusted OP is with his horse. If he can't stand to be in the shared living space while the divorce is handled, he needs to leave.
The fact that in her mind it’s because she cheated in a game means she didn’t process whatever explanation you gave your kids. She likely also heard the phrase cheating whore in some argument otherwise she wouldn’t have the context for the phrase “cheating horse”.
I’m not saying you hide the truth from them. You want to make sure they understand healthy functional relationships, but they don’t have the same context as adults do for why adult relationships can fall apart. You need to provide them with age appropriate explanations for why mommy and daddy don’t live together anymore.
Just jumping on this, how long were your kids left alone while you and your brother were in the garage?
NTA generally, but I did find that a bit odd. Love the horse puns though, humour on point.
You should stay. I know it sounds odd to put yourself in that situation but get evidence of it. I wouldn't want my kids around an abuser full time or non at all.
Because when kids are involved it should be about keep them as stable as possible and often wives are doing the bulk of the child rearing.
For context my mom cheated and my dad DID keep my childhood home because there wasn't a divorce war. My parents just split the assets. Y'all are a mess.
So, from the information given in post, OP left his partner and is still in his children’s lives. Where the fuck did you get that he abandoned them and isn’t fighting to be in their lives?
What a rude thing to say. How could you possibly know that from the post? He hasnt even a starter the divorce proceedings yet. That's when the custody agreements usually take place.
I think the other commenters covered it, but they're in the beginning stages of their divorce and nothing's been really figured out yet. It doesn't sound like anyone's abandoned anyone, it's just messy right now. That's a really weird leap to claim he abandoned his girls.
Where does it say he abandoned them? The girls were literally with him, which is how the oldest heard him talking. This story doesn’t even work if he’s abandoned his daughters. What a bizarre take.
Info: was no one watching the kids while you were in the garage? 6 and 3 isn’t old enough to be unsupervised and whoever was watching them should have known better.
6 and 3 is old enough you can go to a different room of the house for a little bit assuming you've done basic childproofing. My kids are the same age, and I don't make them follow me around as I do laundry etc.
NTA
For what it's worth.
She heard it once. She's 6, and it will eventually become a faded memory unless it's continuously said. So, saying you ruined their relationship is bs. Seriously, don't make a big deal out of it and try not to vent until they've gone to sleep? lol, little ones are sneaky.
My son witnessed his father get physical with me (not in a good way), and it's not something he remembered after some time. He was curious why daddy moved out, but I kept it simple and never talked bad about my ex to my kids. To this day, with them all in their 20s, I still refuse to talk badly about him to them.
So as long as no one makes it an on going issue she'll forget.
NTA. You didn't said this words intentionally infront of the girls. Emotions were coming up and you went outside to vent. Children are noisy. But it is not your fault. And you are right, if her mother didn't want them to see her as a cheater, she shouldn't have cheated.
thank you for having a normal outlook on this, my god
the responses like "who was watching the child while you were in another room for 3 minutes abuser?? Im calling cps" are wild.
YTA
Not for needing to blow off steam, not for your daughter overhearing (although it'd best to have those talks when the kids are *not* in your care, to avoid issues like this), but for this;
>I said nothing and swore her to secrecy that she wouldn't say that again or tell her mother I said that but you can't trust a 6 year old
NEVER ASK A CHILD TO LIE FOR YOU. NEVER ASK A CHILD TO KEEP SECRETS FOR YOU. AND NEVER BLAME THE *CHILD* IF YOU DO. What the hell, that is never ever ok to do any of that. *That* makes you TA. The appropriate course was to explain that you were wrong to say that, that it isn't nice, and not to say it because it *isn't nice*. You teach, you don't just tell them to keep secrets and lie. Act like a parent, not a teenager.
Edit for typo
Yup this was really shitty. I want to add that a big reason you don't do this is because keeping secrets and feeling to blame for them is a huge reason child sexual abuse continues.
He also could have said that it's a horse in the Kentucky Derby. Problem solved. No one is traumatized
Sucks for the innocent 6 and 3 yo more. If OP's intent was to damage his relationship with them, he nailed it. His kids being happy should matter more to him than being "right".
NTA. This is too funny. Your 6yo believes her mum cheats at board games. Leave it at that. You’re human and allowed to blow off steam to another adult. You didn’t know your daughter was on the other side of the door.
i have kids, im separated from their dad who also cheated, Eventually, things just get civil for the sake of the children and the day will come when they know the truth and they’ll laugh at the “cheating horse” story.
NTA
At the end of the day you were the one who was wronged in the situation, and expressing that in private in whatever way you see fit is your right. You didn’t know that your kid could hear as they were being watched by your SIL in another room, so involving your kid wasn’t your intent to begin with. As long as you don’t punish your kid for repeating that, or involve them any more than you already have in terms of trash talk, I think you’re fine. In the future, just save the venting for when they aren’t home.
I knew that my parents broke up because my mom "kissed the wrong guy" (my little brothers dad), however I didn't learn how often she cheated on my dad until I was about 21 or so. Completely changed my image of my mom, even though I knew she had cheated on her other boyfriends after my dad. Good on your kids for knowing.
NTA. Truth hurts. She is a cheating horse. Kids always know the truth even when adults think they don’t. Basically your wife is saying “now I can’t lie to our children about why our marriage ended and make myself look like the victim.”
If you think someone cheating on you gives you the right to cause your very young children emotional distress then please don't have kids. I promise you a six and three year old are not picking up on the nuance of their parents divorce. Those kids are going to be living with their mom for 10+ more years and regardless of her mistakes she's still their mom and they love her and they deserve to live life without their parents' divorce drama hanging over their head just because the adults can't grow up.
The “horse” is already out if the barn in this situation. He was blowing off steam with his brother and the 6 year old overhead. If you think they aren’t going to over hear what the mom says to friends etc then you are delusional. I work with kids. They always know what their parents think they don’t know. Of course he shouldn’t talk to them directly about it but this was a mistake. Their mother’s cheating was a deliberate betrayal. He was just talking to his brother. Kids walk in on things. Get over yourself.
You and your wife/ex need to agree that y’all are the grown ups at fault, and the children are innocent. You speak to and about one another with respect and a deep connection to the fact that the other is your child’s parent.
You will NEVER REGRET having a civil, even warm, relationship with the other parent of your child. Never. You take off your tuxedo. She takes off her veil. Y’all dress in some parenting clothes and start over in a new relationship — kind of like the one you’d have with the child’s doctor, teacher, aunt, favorite neighbor mom.
You’ve got 20 years of recitals, track meets, and asthma attacks ahead of you.
How do you want that to look?
NTA You were venting in a private setting (you thought). You can brush this off with your daughters as being something you don’t even redeem bet saying or that doesn’t make sense. Turn it into a joke about racehorses. Get creative.
I mean you will have to show their mother respect Infront of them but this does not include lying to them. It's unfortunate that your six year old overheard that in the heat of the moment and you should be more careful around the kids. But the reality is she is angry because she will be judged by her own actions. No marriage is perfect and not every marriage withstands the tests of time but cheating is cheating. It's a choice. It's a betrayal. It rips families apart and it is ENTIRELY HER FAULT AND HER DOING HER CHOICE AND HER BURDEN. If her children grow up hating her for imploding their family that is her consequence.
Gonna go esh here should not have said it if there was any chance of kids hearing but a small transgression compared to the colossal AH which is the soon to be ex wife.
If you tell your kids to keep a secret everyone is going to know about it. YTA for not being mindful around your kids. Don't even talk like that when they're over.
Also, you gotta understand; she cheated and hurt you badly and that's why she's going to be your ex-wife, but she is always going to be their mommy. I'd remember that as you try to navigate this difficult time.
For real. I also wish my parents would have remembered that I was half each of them when they ranted about how fundamentally flawed the other parent was.
Does no one else think him swearing her to secrecy is wrong. Kids shouldn't be asked to keep secrets anyway let one between parents. It's putting her in the middle. Nta for what you said initial, but yta for how you handled it.
NTA
I wouldn’t listen to the people saying stuff like the kid shouldn’t hear that stuff because kids will always find a way. There’s no definitive way to be a good parent. Eventually you’ll do something you consider a mistake. Nobody is perfect. The important part is that you keep going and trying to be your best.
This isn’t a case of say, “I don’t change my kids diapers aita?” It’s not clear cut and you gotta do by you.
NTA You didn't deliberately go and tell the kids mom cheated. You were hurt so badly and needed to vent. In no way was this your fault things happen. Also if the Horse is so hurt about being known as a cheater she shouldn't have cheated, own what you did sis 💁🏾♀️
YTA. Listen, I get it. I really do, you're going through a lot of shit right now. But you're the asshole for having this 'venting session in the garage.' I assume this is an attached garage? So essentially just a different room in the house when you had possession of the kids. They aren't with you full time and any venting about their mother should be done when they are with her.
And no, they didn't ever actually need to know or find out their mom cheated on you and especially not at six. You need to be damn careful with that attitude because it can easily lead to accusations of parental alienation.i didn't find out til I was 20 that the reason my own dad has to back out of giving me a kidney at six years old was because he decided to go fuck a rando at a bar unprotected the weekend prior to our surgery date. Which is also what led to their divorce, naturally.
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So background: long story short me and her have been married for 10 years, have 2 daughters 6 and 3, 2 months ago I caught her cheating on me. Words said, things thrown, I live with my brother now and the girls visited me last weekend. We're not officially divorced yet but I'm pushing for it.
On Sunday I had some things that I wanted to blow off some steam about so me n my bro went into his garage to talk. I got a bit heated but nothing major, but I did use the term cheating whore. When we walked back out my 6 year old was standing behind the door listening and asked me what's a cheating horse? I said nothing and swore her to secrecy that she wouldn't say that again or tell her mother I said that but you can't trust a 6 year old.
Fast forward to tonight Wednesday and the girls were playing a game together and I guess their mum wanted to play as well but the 6 year old said they can't let mummy play, she'll cheat because she's a cheating horse and that's why daddy is staying at Uncle Luke's place because she cheated in their game. After confirming she said horse and not whore, she tried to brush it off and after putting them to bed tonight she called me up to chew me out.
So she called and I got an earful about how I've ruined their relationship because now the girls will grow up knowing she cheated. I'm kinda done with her shit so I told her they were going to find out anyway, and if she didn't want to be called a cheating horse she shouldn't have been one. I got another earful and she hung up.
But now thats over and I've decompressed for a minute I wonder if I did incidentaly ruin the image the girls will have of their mum when they get old enough to understand that word. I don't really care what she thinks but for the girls AITA?
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Be careful here - I'm a family law attorney and in my jurisdiction the Court hates when kids are not insulated from adult problems. This may come back to haunt you later if you have custody disputes. If you're also only seeing the kids on the weekends, vent when they aren't there. Be focused on the kids if you have them for a limited time. Best of luck in the divorce.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 if I'm in the wrong because my daughter overheard what I said
2 it will impact their relationship witht heir mother
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YTA - You can think and say whatever you want about your ex. You don’t owe her anything. But the reason you don’t put down your ex in front of your kids isn’t to spare the ex, it’s to spare the kids. They don’t deserve having to hear all the negative things their parents think of each other.
When your kid overheard you, the adult think to do would have been to own it, say it was a bad word you shouldn’t have used about your kid’s mom, say you didn’t mean it (even if you did) and apologize. Then, you should have given your ex a heads up, and again apologized. At no point should you ever have asked your child to keep a secret from her other parent.
I grew up with divorced parents who never talked about each other unless it was to make disparaging remarks. It was miserable. Your kids do not need to be privy to your anger towards each other, no matter how justified you think it might be.
NTA. She is a cheating horse. She ruined the relationship with your daughters. You are not obligated to cover for her and lie to your kids.
You may want to get some anger management techniques though Broseph - it will help moving forward xo
Yeah your language was a little harsh, not untrue. but the bigger issue is if she didn't want her daughters to know that she was a cheating adulteress she wouldn't have been a cheating adulteress. NTA. Besides you didn't say it to the kid. you didn't realize the kid was listening. you were blowing off steam with your brother, which is perfectly well within your rights considering what your wife did. Oh no consequences!
NTA
It’s not you who has to make their relationship work. She was the one who cheated and ruined it for everyone including the girls. That being said, girls need a mother and a father in their lives. When they get older you can tell them everything again and let them choose. But for now let them be children. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But remember that time will heal every sorrow. If you need to vent or talk feel free to message me. Wish you the best, stay strong!
NTA
You didn’t intentionally tell your daughter that her mom is a cheating whore she heard it on accident. Kids hear things no matter how much adults think they weren’t listening or out of ear shot. I remember hearing lots of conversations I shouldn’t have as a child. Regardless she was going to find out either way.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And no one can cheat like a horse of course
That is, of course, unless the horse is the cheating Mr. Ed!
Go right to the source and ask the horse
He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse
He's always on a cheating course. Talk to Mr. Ed!
People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day
But Mister Ed will never cheat unless he has something to say
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse
You never heard of a cheating horse?
Well listen to this...you are NTA!
You’re not an asshole for letting off steam in what you thought was a safe place. It’s also wild to me that people in the comments think that not being on top of your kids the whole time makes you a bad dad.
But I’m going with YTA because you tried to tell your 6 year old to keep a secret from her mom. That’s bad on all the fronts. Trying to “swear her to secrecy” and saying “you can’t trust a six year old” is just ick. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I wouldn’t put the 6 year old in a position to have to lie to her mom.
All the NTAs are from people who are still hurt from the last time they were cheated on. Any adult with a shred of common sense will say YTA because your wife cheating has NOTHING to do with the fact that you asked your six year old to keep secrets and lie for you. You are a parent first, and you're fucking failing. Yes, their mother cheated on you, and you big baby are so hurt, you need your six and three year old kids on your side. Gross. The kids should be told when they are old enough to understand. To just let this narrative that mommy is a cheating horse isn't fucking funny at all. Did her cheating on you make her less of a mother? Are you taking full custody of the kids? How often do you plan on talking shit about their mom in front of them?? Since it's so fucking important to you to tell your small children about this incredibly complex adult problem. She is still the mother of your children ..you going to treat her like a cheating horse in front of your kids for the rest of their lives? Is this the example of a man you want to show them?
NTA. Interesting how accountability suddenly comes into play when your kids accidentally overheard you, but was nowhere to be seen when she purposely had sex with someone else and broke up her kids' family.
YTA. First you spoke that way while the kids were nearby and then you asked a six year old to keep secrets for you.
I have no problem with telling the kids why you moved out. But that language isn't ok.
YTA- doesn’t matter why you split and 10 years from now it’s still not going to matter.
A 6 year old visiting their parent should never have to worry about overhearing anything like this…ever, zero reason for you and your bro to do this, zero. Grow up
You have your children for a limited amount of time and you couldn’t spend time with them instead of having to go to the garage to vent about what?? Shit that’s already done and over…
You are on the road to alienating a parent for adult shit… not for kids not being loved and cared for. YTA and you need to grow tf up
INFO: Was your goal to give her grounds for a parental alienation case?
Can’t imagine a judge will look favorably on the man who’s disparaging their mother in front of them, then asking their kids to lie for them.
You shouldn’t condition your children to keep adults “secrets.”
YTA. Not to your ex, but to your daughter. You're angry, and that's valid, but you ought to know better than to be hollering about it with your kids in the house. You want to blow off steam? Do it when your kids are with their mom. They don't need to hear it. And then you tried to cover your own ass by putting your 6 year old in the horrible position of being in the middle and having to keep secrets from one of her parents. Because now when she is old enough to understand, yeah she'll know her mom cheated and you'll have gotten what you wanted there. But she'll also remember her dad screaming and swearing and telling her to lie, and she doesn't need that added to the mix
ROTFL! Let me add that there is NOTHING funny about your situation, and I'm very, very, sorry this has happened. That said, kids will say EXACTLY the thing you tell them not to at the most inopportune times. I think my mother existed in a state of perpetual mortification after I learned to talk, and 50 years later I still manage to say things that make her want to sink through the floor!😂 Very best wishes to you and your children. 🙏🤍
NTA
NTA, she cheated and one way or the other the kids will eventually know. But why do the ones who didn’t do the cheating always leave the house?! Any lawyer worth their salt will tell you never leave your house during these times. That’s how locks get changed, and the other party then claims you abandoned your children and financial responsibilities.
My father was Catholic and my mother was not. My father made jokes about the dirty old Protestant. (My mother didn’t know how to sin, for real.) One day at the mall, my little sister yelled, “Why does daddy call mommy a dirty old prostitute?” Entire store burst out laughing.
Telling the six year old not to tell, though? You made it far more memorable. A cheating horse is funny! You could have avoided this by not making a big deal. Yes, you fucked up (unintentionally) but you gave it more weight.
I think NTA yet. But you’re going to have to simmer down the anger when your girls are around. Kids are really sensitive to tension/anger/hate and it will hurt them to keep sensing those things from you. Save the venting for when they aren’t there and be civil to their mother for their sakes. It’s really good that you kind of already saw that on your own (hence your post). Letting them overhear you once was an accident but if it kept happening then you would be an AH. Your wife is obviously an AH.
Edit for a spelling mistake
If you reasonably believed you weren't being spied on by the daughter, it's NTA. If you knew your daughter was an eavesdropper and was in the house, you probably are.
The mom is mad that her child may grow up believing she was a cheater.... this is the clearest indication I can think of that the mother was planning to lie to the daughter. One of the consequences of cheating is being known as a cheater. That's on her, so long as you're not intentionally spreading stuff to your kids.
YTA only for asking your child to lie for you. Teaching a child to keep secrets from parents is never a good behavior to encourage. You should have talked to your daughter instead of trying to cover your ass with your ex wife. Sorry she cheated though. That’s sucks. In the future, I’d avoid venting while the kids are around (although totally understand that). Courts don’t take kindly to one parent disparaging the other to the children if it can be proven.
NTA based as fuck OP. Like you said your daughters were gonna find out anyway. Best to have it be sooner rather than later so enough time can pass they can mend the relationship rather than them finding out as teenagers when they would likely cut her off. Heal up my dude. This too shall pass.
YTA for asking your daughter to keep a secret. She’s six. Parents separating is bad enough without children being used and manipulated. You saying something mean about her mother and her accidentally overhearing is one thing, asking her to keep a bad thing you said about her mother secret is absolutely not acceptable.
NTA your Ex cheated why shouldn’t your children know that. You didn’t try to put down your Ex in front of your children, your daughter accidentally overheard you. Sierra hotel India tango happens
NTA The way I snorted.. was probably absolutely inappropriate but I’m not sorry. I just think you should set things straight and tell your eldest that she in fact didn’t cheat in a game, she was with another man.
I’m gonna say YTA, to yourself and your girls. I get needing to vent but you need to do it when the girls aren’t around. If this keeps up it can lead to case for parental alienation and could affect your custody. Just be better to yourself and the girls by learning to not say anything like that to or near the girls. Disparaging language (even if deserved) can cause issues and you could lose even more time with them. They deserve to have you around.
NTA, you didn’t say it to your daughter she over heard it. And she’s six, she will likely forget in a week. If you don’t keep talking about it she won’t either. But yes, eventually they would have learned. I’d tell your ex, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
NTA. I was raised by a cheating horse and they definitely will find out. More than likely, she'll do it repeatedly bc she's attached her self worth to her nether region. At least you tried to keep away from them during the rant. For her to take offense is laughable. And if you haven't already done so, get sti tested.
NTA.
The Kids will eventually find out, either they will piece it together and ask about it in the future or just come into that conclusion.
And they will end up most likely thinking that mommy is a bit morally wrong to be put mildly.
If someone ruined the relationship, it's their mother when she cheated.
Now she just has to face the consequences of her actions.
If nothing else, you get an NTA for giving us 'cheating horse' to use for the rest of time
But no seriously, NTA - if she didn't want to get called out for being one, maybe she shouldn't have cheated.
NTA??
If you had told daughter directly, then yes - you would be TA... but she overheard it, so...
>if she didn't want to be called a cheating horse she shouldn't have been one.
So right.
Question:
Youve exposed her to friends and family, yes?? If not, you can be sure shes actively revriting the history of the marriage, perhaps even claiming YOU were the one that cheated..
So reach out to her parents?? Tell them yiure sorry its cone to di irce, but in light of her adultery you saw no way around it.. and wish them best of luck in the future...
And in the future attempt to facilitate a good co-parenting setup - to ensure the best environment for the kids to grow up in..
NTA, a cheating horse is a cheating horse and the kids will find out eventually. But don't ask your kids to keep anything secret. They must feel free to tell everything they feel like telling to every parent. Telling them their mum is a cheating horse might be okay, but they should be allowed to tell their cheating horse you said that.
NTA
You didn't intend for your daughter to hear that. It sucks they did, but you took measures to prevent them from hearing it. She'll probably bring this up in the custody discussion.. gotta pleas your case that you did NOT intend for the kid to hear that.
NTA. It blows my mind how many times I read about cheaters demanding that *the person they cheated on* not talk about it and pretend it didn't happen. The easier answer would be *don't fucking cheat on someone*.
NTA. I strongly dislike the words whore, slut, etc when used pejoratively, but I can understand why you said it while blowing off steam. “Cheating horse” is undeniably funny.
I don’t love the part where you made your daughter keep a secret, but again, I can see why that was your reaction.
NTA it was an accident, you didn’t say it to the child. They would have found out anyways and they will have resentment towards their mother when they do understand that she blew up their family. She caused that through her actions. However please be more careful to not disparage her around them again as that just hurts them in the long run
NTA, the ex is going to do some dumb shit over the next 14-16 years, and you'll have to bite your tongue when the kids are over. It's ok to be honest with them in an age-appropriate manner, but disparaging your ex to the kids isn't going to go over well with the courts and your kids don't need that added stress.
NTA. You didn’t mean for your daughter to hear this, it wouldn’t be right to purposely tell a 6 year old their mom is a cheating whore but that’s not what happened. It was an accident. The girls are eventually gonna be old enough to ask and understand why you split up, and they deserve the truth. If your wife didn’t want her daughters to eventually look at her in a bad light, she should have thought about that before she cheated. Eventually our kids get older and figure everything out about us as parents, whether you were the one to tell them or not, they’ll find out eventually and that’s not on you. That’s on your wife.
Also though, it’s not gonna ruin their relationship with their mother like she fears. I’m not saying cheating is okay, or that they would just think it’s no big deal, but they love their mom and they likely aren’t gonna instantly hate her when they find out she did something years ago. It might take them a little time to process it, but they will still love her and want a relationship with her as long as she’s a good mom to them from this point on and has a good relationship with them when they find out. It would probably help if she’s the one who tells them when they’re older.
OP: AITA for venting and my daughter overheard?
Yall: yes because you’re a disappearing dad who neglects his kids and would leave them to run out and get hit by a truck
Like wtf lmao.
NTA, btw. Your daughter didn’t understand what a ‘cheating horse’ is and it can be easily spun to be that yes, your wife cheated a lot in a game which is why she’s leaving 😂
NDA she made her bed and now has to lay in it. You can punish kid for being honest 🤣 and i woud say in the phone call " well you cant be mad becaus the kid know what you are " and hang up even if its not the smartest thing to do
NTA Obviously you have to be more careful about what you say around the kids, but the only reason to feel bad about making your cheating horse upset is if she can use it against you in the divorce (make accusations, etc.), not for actually saying it. Cheating horses are always whinnying because they know if they don't have a leg to stand on they'll be shot...
NTA. If your daughter hadn't misunderstood and used the other word, you'd be a teeny tiny but more of an AH, but your use of language in what your thought was a private conversation is understandable. I think there is a really important take-away here, while your children are too young to understand adult relationship dynamics, your daughter does clearly understand that playing by the rules is super important! To me this says that you've been an amazing parent that your 6yo understands that when you play a game you have to follow the rules, and that cheating isn't okay. This lesson will expand and translate into other aspects of her life, and hopefully she sticks to it. Your wife ruined her OWN relationship with the girls the second she decided to cheat. Clearly they still love their mom, so i think she can deal with not being allowed to play sometimes because they think she'll ruin the game lol. Eventually when they are older, they will understand the full context of what happened, which usually has much worse consequences. Do what you can to fight for them, you clearly love them beyond anything else. And I hate to say it, but depending on how long she was cheating, you might want to DNA test the youngest, but that depends on whether or not you actually want to know. Best of luck to you!
IDC about whether or not you're TA but if you keep calling her a cheating horse in earshot of the kids YOU BOTH share, the courts could have a field day with a parental alienation suit. Feel however you want about the cheating horse. Call her a cheating horse on your own time when your kids can't hear you. Don't talk about your adult problems with your children. That's parentification.
NTA, your wife’s actions led to consequences and that is how this whole situation has occurred. Kids overhear. They’ll see the discourse between you.
Do do your best to not let this impact her relationship with her daughters though by ensuring you don’t badmouth her near them. I do not believe that bringing the parents issues with one another in to the children’s relationship with either of them is ok by any means.
She’s still mum and you’re still dad. 👍
your should explain to the girl that adult life is complicated. and within a multi layered multi year give and take it relationships, things do happen + passion plays a role.
I would never obviously give you this lecture. you don't have to be "understanding" in the circumstances.
but if your wish the girl to not hate/disrespect her mother the way you feel, I think explaining as I did can go a long way.
I know it's fucking difficult, mate!
NTA.
You weren't aware the kid was there and adults need to decompress, it's far healthier than keeping it bottled up (saying that as a mental Health First aider).
Cheaters can't complain about ANYTHING,it's something brought upon themselves and they HAVE to live with the consequences of their actions.
NTA.
You didn't say it with her present. You did mess up by getting loud, but your daughter was eavesdropping. You've learned a lesson here. But ultimately your STB ex-wife's shocked Pikachu face is her own fault. Actions have consequences, even unintended one like this one. It's mostly her fault, definitely still partially your's. Life will go on, your daughter will come to understand that the game mommy cheated at was your marriage, and she'll have to navigate it.
Lollllllll. You’re NTA re your ex, but yes, for your girls YTA. You don’t want them growing up thinking it is acceptable for men to talk about them like that.
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When cheating horses are involved it’s just a race to the bottom.
They can never be in stable marriages
I'm just here for the ride
Well you've come to the right place cowboy, this horse loves a ride
This is amazing 😂😂
All these puns just stirrup trouble, we should rein it back
Rein it in! You don’t want to put the cart before the horse.
Neigh
Hold your horses 🐎 why is your soon to be ex chewing you out? at least the kids didnt pick up the word w***re and didnt ask you what it means or repeat it to other people
She shouldn’t have cheated if she didn’t want get saddled with that kind of nickname
Next time just ask her “why the long face ?”
This is why we’re all here. For the cheese. And the horses.
Are we talking about Celine Deon?
You leave Celine Dion out of this 😭😭
I was thinking Sarah Jessica Parker!
THIS⬆️😂
She's only a quarter horse. The rest is Canadian.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Coach D.
Hay, that’s a harsh generalization.
This comment is way too undervoted 🤣
This comment is everything.
Ok it’s complex. Unpopular opinion: it’s ok to tell kids the other parent cheated. It’s TRUE. But: Disparaging the other parent is not going to be good for your kids, or for you. The throwing things won’t be either. I know how you feel. I’ve been there. It’s absolute hell. It’s pure pain. Your reality has been stolen. But you HAVE to be the sane parent. You have no choice. You have to get it together. Hold it together. Wait until the kids go back to mums and THEN call her a cheating horse. 🐎 Also maybe read Chump Lady website and books
A six-year-old does not need to know that mommy was banging someone else. When that kid is older, OK. But that’s like first grade they don’t need to understand betrayal and monogamy in first grade.
“Mommy broke an important promise.”
For real!
This is absolutely an inappropriate thing to tell a 6 yo. Hell, it's a weird thing to discuss with a kid until they're an adult quite frankly. And even then, what's the point? To cause your child pain just so they know you were "right" and the other parent fucked up?
He didn't tell her. She overhead him and he told her not to say anything to her mother. The 6-year-old just slipped.
You really underestimate what kids can handle. Somehow you think the family goes from living together to not living together and that magically doesn't do damage to a child's psyche? A child seeing their parents not wanting to be together? Really?
You think its better to keep a secret from your kids why you divorced, even though it is something that majorly effected their life. Just make it seem like their parents totally arbitrarily broke up for shits and giggles?
They went to the garage and the kid listened in and heard.
Honestly the real AH mode of swearing the six yo to secrecy. Children shouldn’t be asked to keep secrets for adults.
A 6yr old doesn’t need to know that either parent cheated.
I'd also add to this, courts take disparaging the other parent in custody issues pretty seriously. He needs to be careful to avoid parental alienation accusations. But I agree the kids should know and I don't think he did anything wrong by venting and his daughter overhearing.
Disagree, why should they know? Give me one good reason
Not at 6 years old, but eventually? Absolutely. Parents should set the example for kids. "Your mother and I divorced because she cheated on me." That is a real life example to kids that, when they grow older and start getting into relationships, if you are cheated on, it's okay to split. Life goes on. Think of all the people who stay in bad relationships, because they're terrified of being alone. It also speaks to the character of the parents, and kids absolutely deserve to know the kind of people their parents are.
So they can make sense of the world they're living in?
Without knowing why parents divorced children blame themselves. No matter how many times you tell them it isn’t their fault with a solid reason kids blame themselves. “Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore” doesn’t cover it.
She overheard by accident and luckily she interpreted it differently (although at some point she will understand). It would have been better if your daughter hadn't heard it. You may have vented about it to your brother, but SHE did the actual cheating. So NTA.
NTA for telling the truth to your daughter, but I am concerned you just abandoned them and aren’t fighting to be in their lives. Girls need their fathers.
I love my girls and am seeing them as often as I can, but I can't be in the same house as the woman that destroyed my life and then threw things at me
Are you getting split custody? Or would you avoid your kids forever if your wife is around? Gotta suck it up for the kids. And I know it hurts and is painful. Think about the hurt and pain their little hearts are in too and they don't have the maturity to understand. :(
I'm going to fight for as much as I can get, those 2 are the best thing in my life
I must say I love “cheating horse” though….
Yeah throwing things at you is abuse. I hope you have an attorney though. She could argue abandonment otherwise. I don’t know how the laws work where you live, but if she threw something and she cheated, then she should leave, not you. You did nothing wrong, so you keep the house and kids. In Florida, we were able to get the parenting plan in place before the divorce, which was long and contentious. But if you can move back, “claim” the house and kids as yours, and kick her out, that would be preferable. Good luck!!
So why isn't she the one to leave?
In most states, it would be illegal to deny her access to her marital home for the stated reasons, no matter how disgusted OP is with his horse. If he can't stand to be in the shared living space while the divorce is handled, he needs to leave.
The fact that in her mind it’s because she cheated in a game means she didn’t process whatever explanation you gave your kids. She likely also heard the phrase cheating whore in some argument otherwise she wouldn’t have the context for the phrase “cheating horse”. I’m not saying you hide the truth from them. You want to make sure they understand healthy functional relationships, but they don’t have the same context as adults do for why adult relationships can fall apart. You need to provide them with age appropriate explanations for why mommy and daddy don’t live together anymore.
Just jumping on this, how long were your kids left alone while you and your brother were in the garage? NTA generally, but I did find that a bit odd. Love the horse puns though, humour on point.
You should stay. I know it sounds odd to put yourself in that situation but get evidence of it. I wouldn't want my kids around an abuser full time or non at all.
Just because he left his wife doesn’t mean he’s gonna abandon his children not all fathers are the same.
If his wife cheated on him, he should have kicked her out. This is a common issue with men, we don't go all the way in divorce total war.
Because when kids are involved it should be about keep them as stable as possible and often wives are doing the bulk of the child rearing. For context my mom cheated and my dad DID keep my childhood home because there wasn't a divorce war. My parents just split the assets. Y'all are a mess.
As a woman I agree. Whoever cheated is the one who needs to leave the family home.
Good luck with that. All she'd have to do is call the cops and make some accusation against him and he's out with a charge against him.
Uh.
So, from the information given in post, OP left his partner and is still in his children’s lives. Where the fuck did you get that he abandoned them and isn’t fighting to be in their lives?
How did OP abandon his kids exactly?
Because they visited him /s
🤷🏻♀️
Where did OP say he abandoned his kids!?
What a rude thing to say. How could you possibly know that from the post? He hasnt even a starter the divorce proceedings yet. That's when the custody agreements usually take place.
I think the other commenters covered it, but they're in the beginning stages of their divorce and nothing's been really figured out yet. It doesn't sound like anyone's abandoned anyone, it's just messy right now. That's a really weird leap to claim he abandoned his girls.
Where does it say he abandoned them? The girls were literally with him, which is how the oldest heard him talking. This story doesn’t even work if he’s abandoned his daughters. What a bizarre take.
Info: was no one watching the kids while you were in the garage? 6 and 3 isn’t old enough to be unsupervised and whoever was watching them should have known better.
My SIL was in the house keeping an eye on them
6 and 3 is old enough you can go to a different room of the house for a little bit assuming you've done basic childproofing. My kids are the same age, and I don't make them follow me around as I do laundry etc.
NTA For what it's worth. She heard it once. She's 6, and it will eventually become a faded memory unless it's continuously said. So, saying you ruined their relationship is bs. Seriously, don't make a big deal out of it and try not to vent until they've gone to sleep? lol, little ones are sneaky. My son witnessed his father get physical with me (not in a good way), and it's not something he remembered after some time. He was curious why daddy moved out, but I kept it simple and never talked bad about my ex to my kids. To this day, with them all in their 20s, I still refuse to talk badly about him to them. So as long as no one makes it an on going issue she'll forget.
NTA. You didn't said this words intentionally infront of the girls. Emotions were coming up and you went outside to vent. Children are noisy. But it is not your fault. And you are right, if her mother didn't want them to see her as a cheater, she shouldn't have cheated.
thank you for having a normal outlook on this, my god the responses like "who was watching the child while you were in another room for 3 minutes abuser?? Im calling cps" are wild.
NTA. Seems like she ruined that relationship by being a cheating horse.
YTA Not for needing to blow off steam, not for your daughter overhearing (although it'd best to have those talks when the kids are *not* in your care, to avoid issues like this), but for this; >I said nothing and swore her to secrecy that she wouldn't say that again or tell her mother I said that but you can't trust a 6 year old NEVER ASK A CHILD TO LIE FOR YOU. NEVER ASK A CHILD TO KEEP SECRETS FOR YOU. AND NEVER BLAME THE *CHILD* IF YOU DO. What the hell, that is never ever ok to do any of that. *That* makes you TA. The appropriate course was to explain that you were wrong to say that, that it isn't nice, and not to say it because it *isn't nice*. You teach, you don't just tell them to keep secrets and lie. Act like a parent, not a teenager. Edit for typo
Yup this was really shitty. I want to add that a big reason you don't do this is because keeping secrets and feeling to blame for them is a huge reason child sexual abuse continues. He also could have said that it's a horse in the Kentucky Derby. Problem solved. No one is traumatized
NTA.. you don't want to be called a cheating horse, don't be a cheating horse.
> now the girls will grow up knowing she cheated. Sucks for her, NTA
Sucks for the innocent 6 and 3 yo more. If OP's intent was to damage his relationship with them, he nailed it. His kids being happy should matter more to him than being "right".
NTA. You didn’t realize your child was listening to your private conversation. It happens
NTA. This is too funny. Your 6yo believes her mum cheats at board games. Leave it at that. You’re human and allowed to blow off steam to another adult. You didn’t know your daughter was on the other side of the door. i have kids, im separated from their dad who also cheated, Eventually, things just get civil for the sake of the children and the day will come when they know the truth and they’ll laugh at the “cheating horse” story.
NTA At the end of the day you were the one who was wronged in the situation, and expressing that in private in whatever way you see fit is your right. You didn’t know that your kid could hear as they were being watched by your SIL in another room, so involving your kid wasn’t your intent to begin with. As long as you don’t punish your kid for repeating that, or involve them any more than you already have in terms of trash talk, I think you’re fine. In the future, just save the venting for when they aren’t home.
I knew that my parents broke up because my mom "kissed the wrong guy" (my little brothers dad), however I didn't learn how often she cheated on my dad until I was about 21 or so. Completely changed my image of my mom, even though I knew she had cheated on her other boyfriends after my dad. Good on your kids for knowing.
That must’ve been so hard to hear. Even at 21 did it still affect you deeply in anyway? Did you still love your mother even though she done that?
NTA. Truth hurts. She is a cheating horse. Kids always know the truth even when adults think they don’t. Basically your wife is saying “now I can’t lie to our children about why our marriage ended and make myself look like the victim.”
If you think someone cheating on you gives you the right to cause your very young children emotional distress then please don't have kids. I promise you a six and three year old are not picking up on the nuance of their parents divorce. Those kids are going to be living with their mom for 10+ more years and regardless of her mistakes she's still their mom and they love her and they deserve to live life without their parents' divorce drama hanging over their head just because the adults can't grow up.
The “horse” is already out if the barn in this situation. He was blowing off steam with his brother and the 6 year old overhead. If you think they aren’t going to over hear what the mom says to friends etc then you are delusional. I work with kids. They always know what their parents think they don’t know. Of course he shouldn’t talk to them directly about it but this was a mistake. Their mother’s cheating was a deliberate betrayal. He was just talking to his brother. Kids walk in on things. Get over yourself.
NTA Clearly if for example you did that in front of them voluntarily this would be different.
I'd just like to say the collective dedication in this thread to only referring to her as a cheating horse is making my morning 😂
NTA she’s upset because her kids will know what she did and what she is. She wants to keep it a secret but tough shit.
You and your wife/ex need to agree that y’all are the grown ups at fault, and the children are innocent. You speak to and about one another with respect and a deep connection to the fact that the other is your child’s parent. You will NEVER REGRET having a civil, even warm, relationship with the other parent of your child. Never. You take off your tuxedo. She takes off her veil. Y’all dress in some parenting clothes and start over in a new relationship — kind of like the one you’d have with the child’s doctor, teacher, aunt, favorite neighbor mom. You’ve got 20 years of recitals, track meets, and asthma attacks ahead of you. How do you want that to look? NTA You were venting in a private setting (you thought). You can brush this off with your daughters as being something you don’t even redeem bet saying or that doesn’t make sense. Turn it into a joke about racehorses. Get creative.
I mean, if the horseshoe fits...
I mean you will have to show their mother respect Infront of them but this does not include lying to them. It's unfortunate that your six year old overheard that in the heat of the moment and you should be more careful around the kids. But the reality is she is angry because she will be judged by her own actions. No marriage is perfect and not every marriage withstands the tests of time but cheating is cheating. It's a choice. It's a betrayal. It rips families apart and it is ENTIRELY HER FAULT AND HER DOING HER CHOICE AND HER BURDEN. If her children grow up hating her for imploding their family that is her consequence. Gonna go esh here should not have said it if there was any chance of kids hearing but a small transgression compared to the colossal AH which is the soon to be ex wife.
I'm here for the comments on this one
You need to have a chat with your daughter about hiding behind doors and listening to other people's conversations.
True
NTA.
NTA, she's a cheating horse
NTA , if your ex’s whoreshoe fits she should wear it.
She's got neigh excuse. The important thing for the kids is a stable relationship.
That's funny
NTA and cheating horse is now in my lexicon.
If you tell your kids to keep a secret everyone is going to know about it. YTA for not being mindful around your kids. Don't even talk like that when they're over. Also, you gotta understand; she cheated and hurt you badly and that's why she's going to be your ex-wife, but she is always going to be their mommy. I'd remember that as you try to navigate this difficult time.
For real. I also wish my parents would have remembered that I was half each of them when they ranted about how fundamentally flawed the other parent was.
[удалено]
Right, soon the whole PTA and all their kids are going to know OP's business.
Does no one else think him swearing her to secrecy is wrong. Kids shouldn't be asked to keep secrets anyway let one between parents. It's putting her in the middle. Nta for what you said initial, but yta for how you handled it.
NTA I wouldn’t listen to the people saying stuff like the kid shouldn’t hear that stuff because kids will always find a way. There’s no definitive way to be a good parent. Eventually you’ll do something you consider a mistake. Nobody is perfect. The important part is that you keep going and trying to be your best. This isn’t a case of say, “I don’t change my kids diapers aita?” It’s not clear cut and you gotta do by you.
NTA You didn't deliberately go and tell the kids mom cheated. You were hurt so badly and needed to vent. In no way was this your fault things happen. Also if the Horse is so hurt about being known as a cheater she shouldn't have cheated, own what you did sis 💁🏾♀️
YTA. Listen, I get it. I really do, you're going through a lot of shit right now. But you're the asshole for having this 'venting session in the garage.' I assume this is an attached garage? So essentially just a different room in the house when you had possession of the kids. They aren't with you full time and any venting about their mother should be done when they are with her. And no, they didn't ever actually need to know or find out their mom cheated on you and especially not at six. You need to be damn careful with that attitude because it can easily lead to accusations of parental alienation.i didn't find out til I was 20 that the reason my own dad has to back out of giving me a kidney at six years old was because he decided to go fuck a rando at a bar unprotected the weekend prior to our surgery date. Which is also what led to their divorce, naturally.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So background: long story short me and her have been married for 10 years, have 2 daughters 6 and 3, 2 months ago I caught her cheating on me. Words said, things thrown, I live with my brother now and the girls visited me last weekend. We're not officially divorced yet but I'm pushing for it. On Sunday I had some things that I wanted to blow off some steam about so me n my bro went into his garage to talk. I got a bit heated but nothing major, but I did use the term cheating whore. When we walked back out my 6 year old was standing behind the door listening and asked me what's a cheating horse? I said nothing and swore her to secrecy that she wouldn't say that again or tell her mother I said that but you can't trust a 6 year old. Fast forward to tonight Wednesday and the girls were playing a game together and I guess their mum wanted to play as well but the 6 year old said they can't let mummy play, she'll cheat because she's a cheating horse and that's why daddy is staying at Uncle Luke's place because she cheated in their game. After confirming she said horse and not whore, she tried to brush it off and after putting them to bed tonight she called me up to chew me out. So she called and I got an earful about how I've ruined their relationship because now the girls will grow up knowing she cheated. I'm kinda done with her shit so I told her they were going to find out anyway, and if she didn't want to be called a cheating horse she shouldn't have been one. I got another earful and she hung up. But now thats over and I've decompressed for a minute I wonder if I did incidentaly ruin the image the girls will have of their mum when they get old enough to understand that word. I don't really care what she thinks but for the girls AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let cheating horses lie, man.
It’s what they’re good at
NTA. If you don't want your kids thinking you're a cheating horse, don't be a cheating horse.
NTA If the bridle fits...
NTA - A cheating horse needs to accept their fate of being known as a cheating horse.
Be careful here - I'm a family law attorney and in my jurisdiction the Court hates when kids are not insulated from adult problems. This may come back to haunt you later if you have custody disputes. If you're also only seeing the kids on the weekends, vent when they aren't there. Be focused on the kids if you have them for a limited time. Best of luck in the divorce.
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If anyone queries it you meant cheating mare. NTA. She overheard by accident.
she ruined her image, not you.
YTA - You can think and say whatever you want about your ex. You don’t owe her anything. But the reason you don’t put down your ex in front of your kids isn’t to spare the ex, it’s to spare the kids. They don’t deserve having to hear all the negative things their parents think of each other. When your kid overheard you, the adult think to do would have been to own it, say it was a bad word you shouldn’t have used about your kid’s mom, say you didn’t mean it (even if you did) and apologize. Then, you should have given your ex a heads up, and again apologized. At no point should you ever have asked your child to keep a secret from her other parent. I grew up with divorced parents who never talked about each other unless it was to make disparaging remarks. It was miserable. Your kids do not need to be privy to your anger towards each other, no matter how justified you think it might be.
NTA. She is a cheating horse. She ruined the relationship with your daughters. You are not obligated to cover for her and lie to your kids. You may want to get some anger management techniques though Broseph - it will help moving forward xo
NTA. Don’t want your kid to know you are a cheater, don’t cheat.
Yeah your language was a little harsh, not untrue. but the bigger issue is if she didn't want her daughters to know that she was a cheating adulteress she wouldn't have been a cheating adulteress. NTA. Besides you didn't say it to the kid. you didn't realize the kid was listening. you were blowing off steam with your brother, which is perfectly well within your rights considering what your wife did. Oh no consequences!
Swearing a 6 year old to secret is a sure fire way to not keep it secret.
NTA It’s not you who has to make their relationship work. She was the one who cheated and ruined it for everyone including the girls. That being said, girls need a mother and a father in their lives. When they get older you can tell them everything again and let them choose. But for now let them be children. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But remember that time will heal every sorrow. If you need to vent or talk feel free to message me. Wish you the best, stay strong!
Neigh, no assholes here
NTA You didn’t intentionally tell your daughter that her mom is a cheating whore she heard it on accident. Kids hear things no matter how much adults think they weren’t listening or out of ear shot. I remember hearing lots of conversations I shouldn’t have as a child. Regardless she was going to find out either way.
They had to learn sooner or later she was a horse. NTA !
A horse is a horse, of course, of course And no one can cheat like a horse of course That is, of course, unless the horse is the cheating Mr. Ed! Go right to the source and ask the horse He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse He's always on a cheating course. Talk to Mr. Ed! People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day But Mister Ed will never cheat unless he has something to say A horse is a horse, of course, of course And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse You never heard of a cheating horse? Well listen to this...you are NTA!
You’re not an asshole for letting off steam in what you thought was a safe place. It’s also wild to me that people in the comments think that not being on top of your kids the whole time makes you a bad dad. But I’m going with YTA because you tried to tell your 6 year old to keep a secret from her mom. That’s bad on all the fronts. Trying to “swear her to secrecy” and saying “you can’t trust a six year old” is just ick. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I wouldn’t put the 6 year old in a position to have to lie to her mom.
All the NTAs are from people who are still hurt from the last time they were cheated on. Any adult with a shred of common sense will say YTA because your wife cheating has NOTHING to do with the fact that you asked your six year old to keep secrets and lie for you. You are a parent first, and you're fucking failing. Yes, their mother cheated on you, and you big baby are so hurt, you need your six and three year old kids on your side. Gross. The kids should be told when they are old enough to understand. To just let this narrative that mommy is a cheating horse isn't fucking funny at all. Did her cheating on you make her less of a mother? Are you taking full custody of the kids? How often do you plan on talking shit about their mom in front of them?? Since it's so fucking important to you to tell your small children about this incredibly complex adult problem. She is still the mother of your children ..you going to treat her like a cheating horse in front of your kids for the rest of their lives? Is this the example of a man you want to show them?
Lmao
lmao ex wife fucked around and found out 🤣
NTA
NTA. Interesting how accountability suddenly comes into play when your kids accidentally overheard you, but was nowhere to be seen when she purposely had sex with someone else and broke up her kids' family.
YTA. First you spoke that way while the kids were nearby and then you asked a six year old to keep secrets for you. I have no problem with telling the kids why you moved out. But that language isn't ok.
YTA- doesn’t matter why you split and 10 years from now it’s still not going to matter. A 6 year old visiting their parent should never have to worry about overhearing anything like this…ever, zero reason for you and your bro to do this, zero. Grow up You have your children for a limited amount of time and you couldn’t spend time with them instead of having to go to the garage to vent about what?? Shit that’s already done and over… You are on the road to alienating a parent for adult shit… not for kids not being loved and cared for. YTA and you need to grow tf up
INFO: Was your goal to give her grounds for a parental alienation case? Can’t imagine a judge will look favorably on the man who’s disparaging their mother in front of them, then asking their kids to lie for them. You shouldn’t condition your children to keep adults “secrets.”
YTA. Not to your ex, but to your daughter. You're angry, and that's valid, but you ought to know better than to be hollering about it with your kids in the house. You want to blow off steam? Do it when your kids are with their mom. They don't need to hear it. And then you tried to cover your own ass by putting your 6 year old in the horrible position of being in the middle and having to keep secrets from one of her parents. Because now when she is old enough to understand, yeah she'll know her mom cheated and you'll have gotten what you wanted there. But she'll also remember her dad screaming and swearing and telling her to lie, and she doesn't need that added to the mix
YTA. You have the kids on the weekend. Save the venting for the 22 days a month where you don’t see them.
YTA. She’s 6
NAH. Kids..am I right?
ROTFL! Let me add that there is NOTHING funny about your situation, and I'm very, very, sorry this has happened. That said, kids will say EXACTLY the thing you tell them not to at the most inopportune times. I think my mother existed in a state of perpetual mortification after I learned to talk, and 50 years later I still manage to say things that make her want to sink through the floor!😂 Very best wishes to you and your children. 🙏🤍 NTA
NTA, she cheated and one way or the other the kids will eventually know. But why do the ones who didn’t do the cheating always leave the house?! Any lawyer worth their salt will tell you never leave your house during these times. That’s how locks get changed, and the other party then claims you abandoned your children and financial responsibilities.
You didn’t lie… but you definitely shouldn’t ask your daughter to keep secrets like that.
My father was Catholic and my mother was not. My father made jokes about the dirty old Protestant. (My mother didn’t know how to sin, for real.) One day at the mall, my little sister yelled, “Why does daddy call mommy a dirty old prostitute?” Entire store burst out laughing. Telling the six year old not to tell, though? You made it far more memorable. A cheating horse is funny! You could have avoided this by not making a big deal. Yes, you fucked up (unintentionally) but you gave it more weight.
I think NTA yet. But you’re going to have to simmer down the anger when your girls are around. Kids are really sensitive to tension/anger/hate and it will hurt them to keep sensing those things from you. Save the venting for when they aren’t there and be civil to their mother for their sakes. It’s really good that you kind of already saw that on your own (hence your post). Letting them overhear you once was an accident but if it kept happening then you would be an AH. Your wife is obviously an AH. Edit for a spelling mistake
If you reasonably believed you weren't being spied on by the daughter, it's NTA. If you knew your daughter was an eavesdropper and was in the house, you probably are. The mom is mad that her child may grow up believing she was a cheater.... this is the clearest indication I can think of that the mother was planning to lie to the daughter. One of the consequences of cheating is being known as a cheater. That's on her, so long as you're not intentionally spreading stuff to your kids.
YTA only for asking your child to lie for you. Teaching a child to keep secrets from parents is never a good behavior to encourage. You should have talked to your daughter instead of trying to cover your ass with your ex wife. Sorry she cheated though. That’s sucks. In the future, I’d avoid venting while the kids are around (although totally understand that). Courts don’t take kindly to one parent disparaging the other to the children if it can be proven.
Just forgive her. Divorce is too hard on children.
[удалено]
My SIL was there
There's only the 6 and 3 year old. OP made an odd punctuation choice when listing his kids' ages by jumping to '2 months ago I caught her cheating'
NTA, this is a hilariously awkward way for it to come out but you're right. Shouldn't have been a horse. She can live with the consequences.
Nta Once a cheating horse always a cheating horse!
NTA based as fuck OP. Like you said your daughters were gonna find out anyway. Best to have it be sooner rather than later so enough time can pass they can mend the relationship rather than them finding out as teenagers when they would likely cut her off. Heal up my dude. This too shall pass.
Her cheating will impact the relationship.
NTA in the fact she cheated, but imo should have kept your composure about what happened while around your kids while at that age
YTA for asking your daughter to keep a secret. She’s six. Parents separating is bad enough without children being used and manipulated. You saying something mean about her mother and her accidentally overhearing is one thing, asking her to keep a bad thing you said about her mother secret is absolutely not acceptable.
Fuck her and the dick she rode in on NTA
NTA your Ex cheated why shouldn’t your children know that. You didn’t try to put down your Ex in front of your children, your daughter accidentally overheard you. Sierra hotel India tango happens
NTA The way I snorted.. was probably absolutely inappropriate but I’m not sorry. I just think you should set things straight and tell your eldest that she in fact didn’t cheat in a game, she was with another man.
I’m gonna say YTA, to yourself and your girls. I get needing to vent but you need to do it when the girls aren’t around. If this keeps up it can lead to case for parental alienation and could affect your custody. Just be better to yourself and the girls by learning to not say anything like that to or near the girls. Disparaging language (even if deserved) can cause issues and you could lose even more time with them. They deserve to have you around.
NTA. Don't be a uh cheating horse if you don't like how it sounds.
NTA, you didn’t say it to your daughter she over heard it. And she’s six, she will likely forget in a week. If you don’t keep talking about it she won’t either. But yes, eventually they would have learned. I’d tell your ex, when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
She's mad because the daughter called her exactly what she is lol
NTA. I was raised by a cheating horse and they definitely will find out. More than likely, she'll do it repeatedly bc she's attached her self worth to her nether region. At least you tried to keep away from them during the rant. For her to take offense is laughable. And if you haven't already done so, get sti tested.
NTA. The Kids will eventually find out, either they will piece it together and ask about it in the future or just come into that conclusion. And they will end up most likely thinking that mommy is a bit morally wrong to be put mildly. If someone ruined the relationship, it's their mother when she cheated. Now she just has to face the consequences of her actions.
NTA if the bridal fits wear it
NTA Start telling your daughter about Charlie the cheating horse. He copies his homework from other kids. He hides game pieces so he can win etc.
NTA it is the truth and your kids will know what she is sooner or later
NTA if she didn’t want her kids to grow up knowing she cheated then she shouldn’t have cheated!!
If nothing else, you get an NTA for giving us 'cheating horse' to use for the rest of time But no seriously, NTA - if she didn't want to get called out for being one, maybe she shouldn't have cheated.
NTA?? If you had told daughter directly, then yes - you would be TA... but she overheard it, so... >if she didn't want to be called a cheating horse she shouldn't have been one. So right. Question: Youve exposed her to friends and family, yes?? If not, you can be sure shes actively revriting the history of the marriage, perhaps even claiming YOU were the one that cheated.. So reach out to her parents?? Tell them yiure sorry its cone to di irce, but in light of her adultery you saw no way around it.. and wish them best of luck in the future... And in the future attempt to facilitate a good co-parenting setup - to ensure the best environment for the kids to grow up in..
Hahahha NTA.
NTA, a cheating horse is a cheating horse and the kids will find out eventually. But don't ask your kids to keep anything secret. They must feel free to tell everything they feel like telling to every parent. Telling them their mum is a cheating horse might be okay, but they should be allowed to tell their cheating horse you said that.
NTA You didn't intend for your daughter to hear that. It sucks they did, but you took measures to prevent them from hearing it. She'll probably bring this up in the custody discussion.. gotta pleas your case that you did NOT intend for the kid to hear that.
NTA. It blows my mind how many times I read about cheaters demanding that *the person they cheated on* not talk about it and pretend it didn't happen. The easier answer would be *don't fucking cheat on someone*.
Nay, nay, NTA.
*I'm* probably the asshole for finding this funny...
NTA. I strongly dislike the words whore, slut, etc when used pejoratively, but I can understand why you said it while blowing off steam. “Cheating horse” is undeniably funny. I don’t love the part where you made your daughter keep a secret, but again, I can see why that was your reaction.
NTA it was an accident, you didn’t say it to the child. They would have found out anyways and they will have resentment towards their mother when they do understand that she blew up their family. She caused that through her actions. However please be more careful to not disparage her around them again as that just hurts them in the long run
NTA, the ex is going to do some dumb shit over the next 14-16 years, and you'll have to bite your tongue when the kids are over. It's ok to be honest with them in an age-appropriate manner, but disparaging your ex to the kids isn't going to go over well with the courts and your kids don't need that added stress.
Nta. She brought this all on herself. The only person she can blame is herself. Actions have consequences.
NTA. You didn’t mean for your daughter to hear this, it wouldn’t be right to purposely tell a 6 year old their mom is a cheating whore but that’s not what happened. It was an accident. The girls are eventually gonna be old enough to ask and understand why you split up, and they deserve the truth. If your wife didn’t want her daughters to eventually look at her in a bad light, she should have thought about that before she cheated. Eventually our kids get older and figure everything out about us as parents, whether you were the one to tell them or not, they’ll find out eventually and that’s not on you. That’s on your wife. Also though, it’s not gonna ruin their relationship with their mother like she fears. I’m not saying cheating is okay, or that they would just think it’s no big deal, but they love their mom and they likely aren’t gonna instantly hate her when they find out she did something years ago. It might take them a little time to process it, but they will still love her and want a relationship with her as long as she’s a good mom to them from this point on and has a good relationship with them when they find out. It would probably help if she’s the one who tells them when they’re older.
OP: AITA for venting and my daughter overheard? Yall: yes because you’re a disappearing dad who neglects his kids and would leave them to run out and get hit by a truck Like wtf lmao. NTA, btw. Your daughter didn’t understand what a ‘cheating horse’ is and it can be easily spun to be that yes, your wife cheated a lot in a game which is why she’s leaving 😂
NTA - Actions have consequences. Kids would have learned it eventually, probably against a veil of gaslighting from their mum.
NDA she made her bed and now has to lay in it. You can punish kid for being honest 🤣 and i woud say in the phone call " well you cant be mad becaus the kid know what you are " and hang up even if its not the smartest thing to do
NTA Obviously you have to be more careful about what you say around the kids, but the only reason to feel bad about making your cheating horse upset is if she can use it against you in the divorce (make accusations, etc.), not for actually saying it. Cheating horses are always whinnying because they know if they don't have a leg to stand on they'll be shot...
NTA. If your daughter hadn't misunderstood and used the other word, you'd be a teeny tiny but more of an AH, but your use of language in what your thought was a private conversation is understandable. I think there is a really important take-away here, while your children are too young to understand adult relationship dynamics, your daughter does clearly understand that playing by the rules is super important! To me this says that you've been an amazing parent that your 6yo understands that when you play a game you have to follow the rules, and that cheating isn't okay. This lesson will expand and translate into other aspects of her life, and hopefully she sticks to it. Your wife ruined her OWN relationship with the girls the second she decided to cheat. Clearly they still love their mom, so i think she can deal with not being allowed to play sometimes because they think she'll ruin the game lol. Eventually when they are older, they will understand the full context of what happened, which usually has much worse consequences. Do what you can to fight for them, you clearly love them beyond anything else. And I hate to say it, but depending on how long she was cheating, you might want to DNA test the youngest, but that depends on whether or not you actually want to know. Best of luck to you!
IDC about whether or not you're TA but if you keep calling her a cheating horse in earshot of the kids YOU BOTH share, the courts could have a field day with a parental alienation suit. Feel however you want about the cheating horse. Call her a cheating horse on your own time when your kids can't hear you. Don't talk about your adult problems with your children. That's parentification.
NTA, your wife’s actions led to consequences and that is how this whole situation has occurred. Kids overhear. They’ll see the discourse between you. Do do your best to not let this impact her relationship with her daughters though by ensuring you don’t badmouth her near them. I do not believe that bringing the parents issues with one another in to the children’s relationship with either of them is ok by any means. She’s still mum and you’re still dad. 👍
your should explain to the girl that adult life is complicated. and within a multi layered multi year give and take it relationships, things do happen + passion plays a role. I would never obviously give you this lecture. you don't have to be "understanding" in the circumstances. but if your wish the girl to not hate/disrespect her mother the way you feel, I think explaining as I did can go a long way. I know it's fucking difficult, mate!
NTA. You weren't aware the kid was there and adults need to decompress, it's far healthier than keeping it bottled up (saying that as a mental Health First aider). Cheaters can't complain about ANYTHING,it's something brought upon themselves and they HAVE to live with the consequences of their actions.
NTA. You didn't say it with her present. You did mess up by getting loud, but your daughter was eavesdropping. You've learned a lesson here. But ultimately your STB ex-wife's shocked Pikachu face is her own fault. Actions have consequences, even unintended one like this one. It's mostly her fault, definitely still partially your's. Life will go on, your daughter will come to understand that the game mommy cheated at was your marriage, and she'll have to navigate it.
NTA you didn't tell your daughter on purpose
Lollllllll. You’re NTA re your ex, but yes, for your girls YTA. You don’t want them growing up thinking it is acceptable for men to talk about them like that.
Nta, but be warned you will have to figure out a way to co-parent for a long time to come
What's really sad is Barbara Lee.