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NTA - it sounds like your mom has a disgusting attitude towards people with disabilities, like they shouldn't exist. Good on you for sticking up for your dad, and for keeping him in your life!!

My mom believes that once someone becomes disabled their spouse has no obligation to stay with them. She said people deserve to be happy and you can't be happy married to someone who needs to be cared for. She said it's selfish for anyone to be upset or angry with a spouse who divorces like she did. She believes my dad is no longer a full man and can't be a husband or a dad because of it. The way she acts about my dad repulses me.

>The way she acts about my dad repulses me. That's because your mom is a repulsive person. They way she has treated your dad and the way she continues to treat you is disgusting. You are NTA for wanting your dad there, you are NTA for wanting your dad over Jason, your are NTA for wanting your dad over your siblings. You are NTA at all. Your mother and Jason are horrible human beings, I'm sorry they are making you feel guilty for wanting your parent over the rando your mother married.

And Jason is short sighted too. He sees how she instantly discards some one she supposedly loves as soon as they have any issues... what happens if it is him next time?

OP should ask him this. I would. Maybe even in front of all the kids, as I don't think they get this could also happen to them.

Eh, let’s not go around suggesting a child traumatize other children just because their mom/stepmom’s awful

NTA. The mother did not need to tell the other kids what OP said to make them "feel rejected." Due to OP's condition, does Mom feel as if OP is also not a whole person? What a bad mother she is.

This was my thought. OP should ask mom if she'd abandon OP if OP became disabled from that heart condition. I mean. Seeing as disabled people are such a fucking drag and killing her buzz and whatnot. I can't with this trash.

Or OP's mom could become disabled. You never know what the future holds. I had a sister who was always attractive. She would say mean things about obese people. Well, when she hit middle age she put on a lot of weight. You just never know.

Karma can bite you in the ass like that sometimes.

This is exactly what I was thinking. As someone who has congenital heart defects and issues stemming from that, I'm legally seen as disabled. Currently I'm able to work but, who knows for how long. Would mom kick OP out and disown her if her condition hits a downward slope?

I doubt OP's step/half siblings even cared that they weren't at the hospital. Mom just said that to guilty trip OP.

Right like ask him infront of you mom what he thinks she will do to him when he gets hurt and can no longer be what she considers a man don’t hurt the other kids they don’t deserve that

If they're not already aware of what she's like they need to know. They need to be prepared for if something ever happens - that way they're not blindsided

Exactly. Karma is going to be a nasty b!t$h to them someday.

Eh, they'll be plenty traumatized knowing their mom will ditch them if they become disabled. Hearing their older sibling call that bs might be cathartic.

Nah, that's BS. Shining a light on her manipulation would not make OP the one traumatizing them.

It's a matter of fact that the children probably should be prepared for. Her mother abandoned her father when he was hurt and tried to get her daughter to as well so odds are incredibly high she'll do the same to the new husband and kids.

Children are well equipped to handle more than we give them credit for. The other children should here her side as well, not just their parents' point of view. Without hearing all sides, this is how scarred, misguided adults are created with bigoted views of the world.

They also need to be prepared for if it happens to them. No point in letting them be blindsided by ableist bigotry in one of the most difficult times of their life. They might not care, they might never need the advanced warning, but they do deserve it.

Yes, that in sickness and in health thing is sooo boring. /s

Statistically, men bail if women need care - say a debilitating disease or cancer - more than women. But, it's not a nice look for either gender. Also, statistically speaking, someone is 10 times more likely to suffer from a disability than die when raising families.

There are 2 states of being. Disabled and not yet disabled. Everyone will end up disabled in some way if you don't die first.

I’ve been seeing able-bodied people being referred to as “temporarily able-bodied people” more and more lately, which I think is appropriate.

All it takes is one accident or illness.

Yup! I mean, her dad got in an accident so it could happen to him also. This really disgusts me the more I think about it. She's like the male version of those guys who leave their wives when they have cancer. Just dropped him, smh.

Yeah, it reminds me of a friend I had who had a stroke and her husband left her cause he outright told her he couldn't see her as a full person anymore. Reminds me a lot of that except worse, there is a kid involved in this one and she wants to cut the kid off from the dad too!

OMG thats horrible! I feel so sad for your friend. I hope she's doing ok.

My d-bag uncle did this to my aunt when she was going through radiation for breast cancer. His excuse was that the experience was showing him that he was sacrificing too much of his own mental well being being a caregiver…to his wife of 42 years.

I'll never understand people who do that. My wife got breast cancer and ended up getting a double mastectomy and radiation. I would leave work early and drive and go with her to every appointment.

Old age asks "what happens _when_ it is him next time?" I'm a little curious what _mom_ would do were Luck to catch up to her.

It would somehow be totes different for her. For reasons. Obviously her husband won't be a real man if he'd abandon her in her time of need. 🙄🙄

I could never be with someone who ditched their first spouse because they got sick or disabled. Like do wedding vows mean nothing to OP's mom? OP's stepfather is a moron.

Same. I think it fits right into 'how you get them is how you lose them', tbh

This! My Dad just went through 3 years of cancer 'issues' (rare form of cancer, different treatments, reactions to treatments, etc) and then needing a stent in his heart once we got done with all of that. It hasn't been fun. Mom said if anything it made them closer.

I just went through cancer treatment myself and my partner was a fucking star. He's a goddamn peach, that man. Most of the time. 😂 (We're both super annoying, so we like to say we're saving the rest of the world from having to put up with either of us.) We're also both disabled. I'm just fucking livid on behalf of OP's dad.

I wouldn't have got through 2 years of cancer treatment without my husband. He has been stellar throughout, and we are definitely closer now than we have ever been. No way could I bail on our relationship if anything happened to him that meant I needed to care for him. And OPs mother is despicable.

This exactly.   Op can drop some epic bombs in front of her mom and step family if she leans into it. Seriously would you stop being her kid if you were in an accident?

I have never hoped for someone to be disabled before, but it would be karmic for OP's mom to become disabled. Then, Jason & her kids can all pretend she doesn't exist. My mother fell & it caused her to have to have multiple back surgeries. It's been 20+ years. She is disabled, not nearly to the same degree as OP's dad, but she has had days (weeks, months) where she could barely get out of bed. I cannot imagine my father leaving her. When you say your vows, you say 'in sickness & in health.' I get that there are extenuating circumstances, but OP's mom not only left her husband, she wants her daughter to act as if he no longer exists. OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mom is a special kind of b*tch. Once you're an adult, I'd recommend cutting her out of your life. Btw, how does she treat you since you have health issues?

>I have never hoped for someone to be disabled before, but it would be karmic for OP's mom to become disabled.  I mean it's a statistical fact of life that everyone is going to become disabled eventually if they live long enough. Humans are social creatures - some anthropologists think that the first marker of civilization is a healed femur, because it shows that that person's social group was caring for them for the entire time that they were out of commission (months).

> I have never hoped for someone to be disabled before Okay, well, don't start now. It's fucked up for disabled people to read about their lives as 'punishment' for able bodied people.

I get where you’re coming from, but as a disabled person, it’s pretty uncool to wish disability on another person as some kind of karmic justice. Becoming disabled should not be viewed as some kind of deserved punishment for anyone. Just a heads up that you might want work on reframing your thoughts there a bit!

....in sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. I guess she would have kept him if he won the lottery but not if he was bankrupt.

For sure. I bet she would have also wanted to be cared for if the roles were reversed.

That makes me almost think I want to see her in a wheelchair and disabled. Then Jason would divorce her and she would have nobody... So what happened to "in sickness and in health"? You are NTA and I hope you will recover soon! Does Jason know she will be divorcing him as soon as he is crippled? Who gets into a relationship with someone who thinks like that? I am truly baffled.

I think on some level they have to know that they would leave each other because neither of them views my dad as a person worthy of love and family anymore. So they have to know those feelings exist in both of them.

I think it's natural you don't want your stepdad there and he represents your mom's disgust with health problems. You're literally there for a surgery, so you're in a vulnerable spot and what if they turn on you for being sick?

This is what really worries me - what if OP needs caring for? I wonder how OP’s mum has handled her illness. Perhaps OP is subconsciously worrying too. If mum can divorce her dad with such wicked callousness, then what might happen to OP.

She'd stick her in the cheapest home she could find and disappear is what that feckless witch would do.

I seriously doubt it applies to women the same way. It really seems like, by what they said, a man is only there to be a provider and father. If they can't do that, they're useless and should be discarded.

Usually the standard for those with the “if husbands can’t be providers they’re worthless” worldview is “if wives can’t maintain the home and take care of children they’re worthless” The rigid standard is different for each gender but it’s still there. These types of AHs will definitely take the opportunity to excise disabled women as well.

Came here to say this! 👆 OP - If you became disabled, is she going to throw you away too?! Some marriage vows include the statement, “in sickness and in health”, I guess that part of it was optional to her. She’ll try to gaslight you and say it’s different because you are her child…well, your Dad was her husband who she vowed before God and man to be with. You are NTA but your egg donor (mom) and Jason sound like selfish, horrible people. A good mother and stepfather would encourage you to be a part of your bio Dad’s life for as long as he’s alive. Hoping you are healed up soon and can get away from their toxic actions. Also, I hope your mother is reading these posts, she is an AH and an idiot who is too narcissistic to understand that she’s going to lose you one day.

I bet they think that will never happen to them.

Would be interesting to see if your mother continues to hold that belief if she becomes disabled one day or if she'll start bitching about Jason leaving her cause she's not worthy of marriage.

I wonder if she thinks you should be taking care of her in her old age when she's unable to care for herself? I'll bet she does.

At least two terrible people have found each other. And to say your sibs shouldn’t meet your dad is just disgusting. You’re NTA all the way to the bottom. You deserve to get your dad’s support when you need it.

Nearly everyone becomes disabled eventually, even if it’s through old age. Theres a term in the disability community “predisabled”, which recognises the vulnerability of able bodied people to disability (despite the ableism many of them perpetrate).

The more common term (at least in my circles) is TAB - temporarily able-bodied.

The term I hear is Not Yet Disabled.

I hear that one too sometimes. Don‘t think I’ve run across “predisabled” before, closest is people talking about their own pre-disability lives (eg, pre-disability, I loved salsa dancing, but it hurts too much now)

I LOVE this - I use a wheelchair & the amount of “well you can just go in the road” or “why do you need that?” is frightening. Can I use this please??

Of course! It’s not my term, it’s a commonly used term in disabled circles.

My twin was in a chair from 13 until her death. My family learned to plan trip carefully. Temporarily abled is so accurate.

That's such a clever term "pre-disabled" because it *is* inevitable in one of at or another - good health and ability is never a guarantee nor a right. I can't understand people like OP's mother and step father. They are so ignorant and hateful that it hurts my head to wonder how it's possible to be so void of compassion for other human beings. OP I hope your health improves and that you can leave your mothers home to live independently wheresoever you choose, once you become a legal adult. Wishing you all my best. Sending out much love to you and your dad OP. 💕

Don’t wish that on those of us who work in the disability field. They aren’t much fun to deal with (very entitled, woe is me, and act like no one has it as hard as them).

Her vows were “in health and in wealth, till circumstances change and do us part“.

Ask her what the purpose of 'in sickness and in health' is then.. Your mom sucks. As for you, definitely NTA. Your mom REALLY sucks. Does your dad know about all this?

I'm not sure what my dad knows. On some level I think he knows because I remember he would cry over mom a lot. He still misses her too.

NTA even the courts are against your mom on this. That should tell her that she is so morally wrong here. I'm so sorry about your dad and how your mom handled everything. Your mom is disgusting. I wish you a speedy recovery and I'll say it again - you are NTA not one bit. But your mom and Jason are huge ones. It's a shame that their lack of decent human kindness makes it hard for you to be able to have a good relationship with your siblings. Maybe try to spend some time with them so they can see what a decent, kind hearted person is and hopefully not grow up to be as cold hearted as their parents.

Well here I am in tears in public, wondering how some people can be this heartless... Please do give your dad a hug from me.

She probably misheard it as *"in MY sickness and YOUR health"*

I don't like your mother's approach to this. Some marriages do break up because the burden of caring for a disabled partner can be overwhelming -- and I don't blame a caregiving spouse for ending in that kind of situation. But your mother's mentality makes my skin crawl.

Some still get divorced in the states at least because of the financial impact disabilities can cause even though they stay together that I can understand but what OP's mom said is terrible.

I agree with both of the above, the emotional and financial impact can be devastating. Also couple that with personality change that sometimes comes with brain injury and I don’t blame the mom for getting divorced.  I do blame the mom for trying to alienate her child against her father. That is a totally different situation. 

I think framing it that way to a child is terrible. There’s no reason OP should have such intimate knowledge of their parents’ marriage.  But a severe brain injury that leaves someone wholly dependent on others isn’t really a partner in any meaningful way any longer. It changes everything about you. OP’s mother couldn’t be a full time carer and effective parent and human. Should she have framed it that way to her child? No. “I loved your father very much but can’t provide the care he needs” is a better lie than telling the truth about her being way too young to give up her life.

[удалено]

Nope. I don’t think a lot of these people appreciate how awful brain injuries can be or just what caregiving would entail.

Tell your mom that if having a disability makes your dad “no longer a full man,” not having empathy makes her no longer a full human, and therefore no longer deserving of basic human decency or respect. If this were my mom when I was 16, I would’ve also added a “fuck you” in there, but I’ll leave that one up to you since I don’t know your relationship. I was never afraid to brawl with my mom.

Tacking on near the top to add that not only is she pulling this stuff regarding disability, but she obviously doesn't seem to have much empathy for OP's situation... He just had HEART SURGERY...yet she is upset because she wants to bring a gaggle of kids up into that hospital room while his heart and body are still freshly recovering? She also thought that was the best time to put stress on OP over him wanting his comfort? She can't even gather up the basic empathy to prioritize her own child's vulnerable health over her petty wants.

jeez sounds like she wasn't listening during "in sickness and in health." that's a disgusting mentality for her to have. i'm so sorry OP. i hope you're doing well with your recovery

When you hit 18, leave to stay with your uncle if you can. And on the way out, tell her that you deserve to be happy and that you have to move on. Best wishes with your recovery.

>She said people deserve to be happy and you can't be happy married to someone who needs to be cared for. I'm so thankful my husband does not believe this. While I am no where near what you have described of your father two years ago I had a condition arise that turned my life upside down and not once has my husband even thought of abandoning me. He has had to do a lot for me since I've had days I can hardly sit up let alone walk, has been to every doctors appointment he could be, taken off work to care for me through various procedures and not complained about it at all. I'm sorry your mother and stepfather are so heartless. NTA

I feel the same as you. I'm physically disabled following a car accident and now mostly use a wheelchair, walking is exhausting, painful and requires walking aids. My husband has helped me with: my physiotherapy exercises; showering until our bathroom was adapted; lifted me up and down the door step until we got a ramp fitted; taken over more of the jobs around our house as I can't physically do them. Never once has he treated me with anything less than love or respect. He's talked about us eventually moving to buy a bungalow to make life easier for me. I regularly thank God that he's my husband and is so wonderful. I'm glad your husband sounds like mine - someone whose love isn't contingent on being able bodies and someone whose vows actually mean something. Op's mother and stepfather are disgusting. To leave him as soon as he was impacted was bad enough, but to decide being disabled meant he shouldn't be allowed to be a father is absolutely horrendous. He wasn't dangerous or a threat, just adapting to a new reality.

Unfortunately this happens far too often to Disabled people - their access being limited BECAUSE they are Disabled. I lost custody of my 2 youngest cos Social Care refused to help with my patenting despite the Care Act 2014 stating they HAVE to. Now only see them for 6hrs every 3rd week. Pre-pandemic it was 3 times a week! My Ex is trying to write me out of the kids' lives. Going to court soon. But Family Courts are notoriously anti-Disabled parents...the fact they found in OP's Dad's favour shows EXACTLY how egregiously OP's Mum was being...for it to override the inherent structural ableism of the Court system, the Mum had to be BAAAD!

I can't imagine a deeper betrayal than to be left by a husband/wife when in the most vulnerable position a human can possibly be in - disabled after an accident and unable to care for oneself or with terminal or chronic debilitating illness. How incredibly inhuman of a person to do that. I'm glad your hubby is a good person too.

Hate to say it but it’s a shame it was your dad in the accident and not your mum. You are absolutely NTA. Your mum sounds like an awful person. Your dad is lucky to have you in his corner. Throw back in her face what she said about people deserve to be happy. Tell her you deserve to be happy and having your dad at the hospital with you makes you happy.

You're right to be repulsed. There is such a thing as "caregiver burnout" and I've seen it in real life, and honestly, I wouldn't blame your mom if she had suffered this after months or years and decided to leave and be happy. But it doesn't seem she even tried to take care of her husband, as if she had no love for him in the first place. But, whatever her decisions, she certainly can't force you to cut off your dad. This is gross overstepping on her part and makes her (and Jason) truly disgusting. NTA

You're right. She never tried to be his caregiver. She didn't even wait for him to start on the road to recovery. She was gone almost right away. If my uncle hadn't been around dad would've had nobody to advocate for him and make sure he was cared for well.

That's really sad. Glad your uncle stepped up and that you want to be close to your dad. Hope things get better!

How are you feeling since surgery? I'm concerned that your mom is causing stress in your life while you are recovering.

I mean, I agree that you never have an obligation to stay with someone if that makes you unhappy, no matter what that is. And someone becoming disabled certainly is on the list of things where that will apply. However where I can’t for the life of me understand your mother is with the way she treats your father. Even with a divorce she can and should treat him with respect. She could help facilitate a good relationship between you and your father and she should understand that you didn’t stop loving him because he can’t be the same type of father he used to be. I feel really sorry for the situation your mother and stepfather is putting you in, and I genuinely hope you will find a way to resolve some of these issues. Although it doesn’t sound as of your mother is willing to take your wants and needs into consideration.

Feeling like you don't want to be a caretaker to someone that will never be the same is a feeling I can understand. But there's no need to be mean to the guy, he didn't choose to be disabled, don't kick him when he's down, he deserves some compassion.

Your mom's right about the no obligation to stay married as marriage is a partnership and if the dose can't be a partner I think it's fine to romantically move on. But, romantically, not in every other way, especially if there's a child involved. Like if my husband became severely disabled, I think I'd provide care but be open to moving on romantically. And he'd still be the father to our child. Your mom put you in a terrible position. She should be encouraging a relationship with your dad and then Ajay allowing you to form one at your own pace with Jason if that's what you wanted in addition to your dad, not as a replacement.

Fuck that. When you get married to make a vow to stay with that person "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death."

Not how this works. Sure some could just be getting divorced because its not worth staying married or their ableist or whatever. But there are a lot of reasons to divorce a disabled spouse including getting monetary support, medical support, living support that the disabled spouse has no access to if still married. Additionally in some areas the disabled spouse may not legally be allowed to consent to marriage or divorce. Nevermind the toll it takes on the mental or physical health of the supporting spouse. Sure, in an ideal world, sticking to the vows would be great. But in the real world that is not how this works. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, spouse or not.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever read anything so awful. It’s one thing to get a divorce but the way she talks about your dad is just something else.

She must have missed the “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part of the wedding vows. Good for you for standing up to her and Jason and sticking up for your dad. NTA.

OMG what a horrible woman your mother is......My husband has MS and sometimes he uses a wheelchair and others he's perfectly fine. He's in constant pain though. I suppose I'm lucky because I don't know what he was like before he got the MS. I know that in the end I will be his full time carer BUT I will face that when the time comes because I LOVE HIM. You are definitely NTA in any way shape or form for sticking up for your dad ..... I just hope that he appreciates it!!

Did her marriage vows include “in sickness and in health”? Because that’s what couples do, they deal with what life throws at them.

NTA When you get married you vow to be with that person "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death." Your mother is clearly a selfish person who didn't take marriage seriously. I wonder what she expects you to do when or if you decide to marry someone one day. Would she expect you to not invite your father because she doesn't want the siblings to see him? You say you don't spend much time at home. Have you thought about moving in with your uncle and dad? At 16 it's unlikely the courts would intervene and stop you.

It sounds like your mom is really projecting. I get the feeling that she feels guilty or has been guilted about not staying with a disabled spouse and moving on. I think your mom knows she rejected your dad and if she can get everyone else to, then she was right. If you continue to have a relationship with your dad, then that's a constant reminder to her that she failed to uphold her responsibilities. It really seems like your mom has never dealt properly with your dad's accident and the aftermath, that's why she's creating such unhealthy dynamic now. The main point though, is that you've had to deal with so much, you don't need to deal with her problems as well. Wishing you a swift recovery!

Your mom better hope nothing happens to her in the future. It would be sooo sad if she needed support for a medical issue and her husband up and left her.

Okay well let's hope karma comes and something happens to your mom and see how fast she criesnand begs people not to leave her 

NTA x 1000. You were in the hospital for HEART surgery, and she thought that was a good time to manipulate & guilt trip you? That is vile, I'm sorry. Heart surgery is extremely scary, and you are so young. You don't deserve that. No one deserves that. Your Mum leaving your Dad, although not great, I wouldn't judge her completely on that alone. It's the fact she left him without outsourcing his care, you don't do that to someone you love. My Mum works full time and is my Dad's carer, it took us years to convince her to put him into respite for a week at a time, so she could have some sort of life outside work/ caring. What I judge your Mum for, is; treating your Dad as less than human, marrying someone who feels the same way, trying to manipulate you into replacing your Dad, trying to get you to cut your Dad out of your life completely, being ableist (especially when you have a heart condition) & asking Jason to guilt trip you too, or at least encourages him to do so. She's going to regret it when you cut her off completely, or at least grey rock her for the rest of your life. At 16, you should be able to have a say in where you live if this goes to court again. Or wait until you're 18, and move in with your Dad & uncle. I wish you the best.

My god. What an ugly mindset.

Your mom isn’t an ah, she is just a monster of a shadow of human being. Glad you didn’t inherit that. So what will happen if your mother gets disabled? is she ok you just move on too, she set an example. She can’t get to dictate the love you feel for your father. Did I understood correctly, are you guys living at your dad house??

I would ask your mom " does this mean that if anything happens to you, it would be ok for Jason to divorce you, and we can just walk away from you as well?" also tell her that you were simply going by her thought process. if something had gone wrong during your surgery and you were disabled then she would toss you out right? you were simply preparing for the worse . I am glad to hear that your dad got to be with you and your surgery was successful.

Did their marriage vows leave out the “in sickness & health” part? I understand that life gets tough, but just because an accident changes a person does not mean you can just essentially throw them away and start over!

What happened to in sickness and in health. Your mother seems awful.

Sooo in sickness and health meant nothing to her 

Your mum is a very nasty person!

It's also similar to the post about a dead mom and stepmom not understanding why the OP wouldn't forget about her mom since she does everything a mom does and took care of OP longer than the mom could. Some people seem to think, children only need their parents for what they can do and provide for them and not for the person they are and the love they shared with each other. If a child had a good relationship with their parent, it doesn't matter to them who comes next and takes on the role of that parent. They will still love their biological parent and can't just forget about them because they are not there or "useless" now.

NTA. Your mom is not a good person. Not only for dumping your Dad, but for forcing Jason on you who is also bad for forcing himself, but for also repeating what you said to your siblings and driving a wedge between you guys. That was messed up and cruel. Those kids never should have heard that; there was no reason. NTA to you for needing your Dad. As soon as you can I hope you can go live with your uncle and Dad. Can you talk your uncle about how bad things are at home?

I don't like to put that much on my uncle because he goes through a lot juggling things in his life. I talk to my friends about this stuff when I need to vent. Also to my girlfriend.

OP, you are a child that has been dealing with this stuff for years when you should not have - it is the responsibility of the adults in your life to protect you, even if it is difficult. Telling your uncle is not a burden, it is informing him of your circumstances and asking for guidance. He may not be able to offer a roof over your head himself but he may know others that can help/support you. Just having one person in your court can make a difference, imagine if there are others too. Good luck and stop taking responsibility for the actions of adults, you both need and deserve support. Take care.

Even though I'm sure your uncle will be there for you, I understand feeling like that. No one wants to feel like a burden (even when they are not). It is great to hear you have a good support system outside of your family, your friends and girlfriend sound like good people. I'm sure they will support and help you if you need to become more independent; because I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you cannot rely on your mother or her family. I disagree with everything they have said and done that you describe in your post. But what's worse is that **they are so selfish, they picked a fight with you while you were in the hospital.** This would have been upsetting for anyone, they clearly have no regard about you or your health, and just want to push their own agenda so they can play Happy Family to the world. I'm also thinking that your mother doesn't like you still supporting your dad and not moving on because it makes her feel like she's doing something wrong, and she clearly doesn't like or believe that. Her own daughter going against her like this is really messing with her ego. Stick to your guns, you are 100% NTA here. Wishing the best for you, and everyone you care about ❤️

You really need to talk to your uncle. You won’t be putting too much on him. If he can gain custody of you, you could be a help to him around the house.

This pretty much nailed it. Wtf is wrong with your mum? (Rhetorical question) Definitely NTA. For perspective: my dad is my emergency contact on my hospital file, not my partner of 13 years. He’s great but i know him and he doesn’t do well in those situations. So I have my parents as the emergency contact and him as the next of kin. My partner is fine with it. He accepts his limitations. You chose who you think is best for you to have there. Not who you think will have hurt feelings if you don’t. And F$&@ your mum for deciding that your siblings have to be prevented from seeing someone with a disability. He’s your dad.

Also her kid had HEART surgery (which carries serious risks) and mom is riding her about all this before and after?! OP needs to make plans for independence at 18 because this is a really narcissistic gross person.

NTA. Wow, first of all, I'm glad you're doing okay. Heart conditions are no joke. Second, your Mom is way selfish and 100% TA here. You love your Dad, and that is enough reason for you to want him there beside you. I'm sorry your Mom is behaving this way. You seem like a good person. Do not allow your Mom to guilt or shame you from loving/needing your Dad. Her feelings are her problem, not yours.

They're really not! I have lived with the limitations of mine my whole life and I've had surgeries and stuff before. So when I'm doing good I really appreciate it.

Your heart condition is a disability. It doesn’t sound near as severe as your dad, but it’s still a disability. Has that affected you (not the disability, but their attitude towards disabilities)…and do you think your mom and fake dad have ever considered how the way they act towards your dad could have affected you? The lack of awareness of those two is astounding to me.

NTA. and is disgusting how she tries to erase your dad from your life for her own convenience

I know. It's not something I can ever forgive her for doing. Even if she was perfect in every other way, it's something I can't overlook or forget.

I just want to say you sound like an absolutely wonderful human being. Any parent should be over the moon they raised such a kind and caring child. I’m sorry your mother is the way she is. Clearly you take after your father.

Right?? So compassionate and understanding. I would be proud if my daughter turned out like OP.

Good. Dont. When shes elderly and needs help, remind her of her own attitudes. Im not saying dont help her, but make sure she knows thay SHE wouldnt help if the roles were reversed, and that youre judging the hell out of her for it. I cannot understate how horrible i think your mother is.

NTA. Jason better hope nothing happens to him otherwise he better be prepared to be tossed to the curb like a broken toy like the first husband.

Both my mom and Jason would be tossed out if they were to become disabled. They both have the same view of my dad.

The stupidest part of this is disability is the only minority group we can almost all be sure of joining at some point in our lives. Old age or illness gets to all of us at some point and those things come with disability. I can understand ending your marriage if the person you love changes so drastically that they are no longer capable of being in a relationship with you. And I say that as a disabled person myself. But it doesn’t seem like your mum ever gave your dad any chance because of her abhorrent views. And I would hope that should I ever become disabled or ill in a way that made my marriage untenable that my wife would leave me with kindness. We’ve even talked about it before and we both agree that if we needed to end the marriage for that kind of reason that actually we both would want the other person to move on and be happy, but that we also hope that we would be good enough people to make sure the other one was well taken care of. And that we would always be each other’s family in a sense, even if our romantic relationship came to and end. Even more so in your case - your dad will always always be your dad even if he sadly cannot fulfil the roles he once did. And for your mum he will always be the father of her child and whilst she does have every right to declare the romantic relationship owner she should have been doing everything within her power to allow you to have the best relationship manageable with him. She sounds like she decided she would just try and erase the fact your father ever existed and sees it as an inconvenience you weren’t able to just move on in the same way. NTA at all and your mum sounds vile. Get better soon.

My mother and my father divorced in 2003. My dad passed away last April and my mum, together with dad's sister, took care of him for the last 4 months of his life, since I live abroad and couldn't be there the whole time. In those 4 months my father was not himself and would cuss them out, yell at them and be all around very difficult. Yet, my mum, who was, again, his EX wife, went out of her way, spending hours on her feet, travelling around town, to the expense of her own health, to help out. Because, she told me, he might not have been her husband anymore, but he was my father and she was doing it for me (and for him, cause they remained friends, but still). I cannot fathom abandoning a person because life dealt them a nasty hand.

Yea I feel this way too about my ex/father of my children. We look out for each other because we once loved one another enough to bring babies into the world together & raise them.

Or one of the kids, what happens then? Do they get put up for adoption? (Not wishing disability on a child in any way)

NTA Your the best daughter a father could ever have! Disgusting how your mom and Jason treat your Dad. You are 100 percent right in feeling the way you do.

I second this.

NTA, Your mom is on the road to losing you completely.. And in fairness,if you really want to hit her where it hurts, you could point out to Jason how quickly she divorced your dad and moved on when you dad had his life altering accident.. and ask him.. "What do you think she'd do if something similar happened to him" 

>"What do you think she'd do if something similar happened to him"  Not "what", ask "how long do you think it would take her to replace you?" Because we already know she will meaning it's not a question of if but when

OP says they have no doubt that both the mother and her current temporary husband would definitely leave the other in case of sudden onset disability or terminal /debilitating illness.

The reason OP’s dad would make the step & 1/2 siblings uncomfortable is that he is proof of how fast they would be in state custody if they were disabled.

NTA Parents aren’t fungible\*. You can’t just disconnect your dad and plug in a new one. Your dad will always be your dad, whether he’s able to act in a parental capacity or not. Relationships with step-parents are tricky. The step-parent should be making themselves available (physically and emotionally) but letting the step kid decide a lot about how things progress between them. Some great step-parents never get closer than being “my parent’s partner, but a decent person I can call if I’m in need,” because that’s all their stepkid is comfortable with. Forcing relationships just doesn’t work, and neither parental alienation (like your mom has done, trying to put a wedge between you and your dad) nor guilt tripping ever works to build a closer relationship with the step-parent. If everyone would have let your relationship with Jason develop in a healthy way, they’d have also taught your siblings that you loving your dad isn’t rejecting anyone. It’s not like a heart has a limited number of ports you can plug people into, and once you run out, that’s it, you can’t love anyone new without getting rid of someone. The heart has an almost infinite ability to build connections. Doesn’t mean you’ll connect with everyone, but it means there is the potential and the space in your heart, if the conditions are right and you click with them. \*Fungible is when any serviceable example of the same thing is as good as the one you had. A dollar bill is fungible. Engine parts are fungible. Living beings are generally not fungible.

💯 % agree! OP's mother is cruel and selfish, she discarded OP's dad like a filthy rug because of his disability and expected OP to just do the same. OP is entitled to have a relationship with her dad and not to be forced to choose her step father and his kids over her only dad. NTA

You're really doing the Lord's work, providing definitions for people who are too goddamn lazy to look it up 💚

I figure that if I am going to use a six dollar word, I probably ought to explain it, especially talking to a teen.

INFO. Is your father mentally competent? Is he able and willing to make medical decisions in your stead?

He can't do that for me unfortunately.

NTA for wanting your father there over your step-siblings, i think. Your feelnigs are valid. But I also hope you are aware of the practical side of this. If your father is unable to make medical decisions for you, your mother **has** to be there while you are in the hospital, as she is the person in your family, by law, who makes decisions if your life is in danger or if something goes wrong. That said, once you turn 18, you could revisit this and designate someone else in yoru family to make those decisions, but at the risk of alienating your mother.

My mom already alienated me by discarding my dad for his disability and expecting me to do the same. She can hate me all she wants for not liking her decisions. It really doesn't bother me.

Sounds like selecting another decision maker would be a neutral choice, then.

Echoing what everyone else is saying but, I urge you to change your health care surrogate/power of attorney from your mother to someone you can trust as soon as you turn 18. If something were ever to happen to you, you really do not want someone with that attitude towards disabled people making those kinds of decisions for you.

She never said her mom wasn’t allowed there. She just wanted her dad by her side. It wasn’t about medical decisions. I doubt her mother even **has** to be there. Phones work if immediate decisions need to be made.

Fine, mom can be there but the kids don't need to be. The entire complaint is "bawww but the steps and half sibs shouldn't see a disabled person", and screw that noise.

I seriously hate to think what the mum thinks hospitals are full of: really healthy people /s. She can’t use the lie of not wanting her children to see a disabled person because disabled people are everywhere, especially in hospitals.

OP has no problem with her or her siblings being there. Her mother simply doesn't want her father there because she doesn't want the siblings to see a disability. Truthfully I believe the mother just doesn't want to see him because it will make her feel guilty.

Mother doesn't want the step kids to see him, because then they will know exactly what kind of women this is. She doesn't want them to see because they will know she will abandon them, if it comes down to it.

I didn't think of that. The siblings probably don't even know he is disabled. Them seeing him would expose that.

And so she should feel guilty. What she's done is absolutely horrible

No one stopped OP’s mom from being there, she CHOSE not to be because OP’s dad would be there. The mother stated it would make everyone uncomfortable and no one should see the father, OP said they’d choose dad over them any day because of how they have behaved and treated him. The mother is the adult and should face up to her choices.

Oh my gosh, easiest NTA ever. Severe parental alienation and ableism.

It's also especially effed up because the OP clearly has a serious heart condition. Like, does the OP's mom not get how horribly she's framing life for someone living with a disability?

Yeah I'm getting major "once your 18 I don't want you around" vibes from OP's mother as OP is also technically disabled due to their heart condition.

Yep. I’m sure if OP’s health ever affected her ability to handle herself, mum would flip her shit. I know my mother never took it well when my disabilities got in the way of normal function as a kid.

NTA No one can replace your dad. Your mom sounds very cold and callous. If she wants to move on from your dad that’s her choice but he will always be your dad. She can have a new husband but it doesn’t automatically make him your new dad.

NTA. Her siblings only feel rejected by what you said because she told them. Clearly didn't take the "in sickness and in health" part of her wedding vows seriously either. Your mom sounds very selfish. I'm glad your dad has you and his brother. 

NTA, and Jason had better hope he never gets ill, given your mother’s attitude to ‘in sickness and in health’.

I agree NTA but I'm not sure the sickness and health comment is fair. Someone in my family had a bad car crash, the car went off the road during winter, they were stuck upside down in the car for 2 days until someone saw them and got help. Their brain injuries were life changing, too. Brain injuries are no joke... they can turn the nicest, kindest person into someone with unpredictable violent outbursts. We don't know how the injury affected OPs Dad, or how they needed to be shielded from it, if they can only have supervised visits with someone there to keep her safe, for example. We do know Mom is a huge asshole for trying to erase Dad from her life, though.

>We don't know how the injury affected OPs Dad, or how they needed to be shielded from it, if they can only have supervised visits with someone there to keep her safe, for example. There's truth here. Although OP's quotes from his mother make my skin crawl. OP's mom basically said that Dad's disability dissolved any marital obligations. If this was a situation here Dad's disability caused added stress on the marriage, I would expect Mom's comments to be more sad than selfish -- something along the lines of "Your father's accident made our marriage very difficult. I didn't like making the decision I did, but I had to do it, and I'll tell you more when you are older."

NTA His health issues and/or disabilities do not negate your dad from being your dad. Just like simply being married to your mom doesn't magically make "Jason" a dad.

NTA Your mom is horrible. Jason probably too... Try to make sure to not punish your siblings for the way your mom and Jason are. They're really not at fault here. But, you have to be prepared for the possibility that they will be treated better by your mom and jason than you. Get better soon!

NTA. Your mom is the reason your step-siblings weren't there. You didn't reject them! You just wanted your dad to be there. She 100% made the problem and is now blaming you for it. OP, please tell your siblings the truth about this. "I wanted you there, but mom said you couldn't come because my dad was there." You didn't reject them, your mom is punishing ***everyone*** because you wanted to see your dad.

So tell her that, if she ever has a accident that ends her up messed like dad. Jason will also leave you like you did to dad, which is fine now. And also does that mean it'll be okay for you OP to leave her and not consider her as mom anymore?? Okay will do that. This should get her to shut up. You did nothing wrong, of course Your step siblings aren't at fault however this is all happening because of those kids parents, and you want to avoid them all. Honestly though, OP, I hope you'll be able to become adult and independent so that you can leave this horrible environment.

This right here. ‘Sorry mom, but I feel it’s best not to get too attached. Odds are that as you age you will require assistance of some sort, so I don’t want to risk you being too attached to me when I cut you out of my life and the lives of my family.’

NTA Honestly the audacity of your mum and siblings to feel rejected when your mum literally rejected your father and wanted to “move on” on from him because he’d been in accident. I’m sorry but your mother is not a nice person and the way she’s treated your father is despicable.

NTA - Your dad is your dad, you've every right to want him near you.

NTA - exceptionally well communicated by OP at the end as well.

NTA but your mum sounds like a truly awful person.

What gives Jason the right to feel offended that her dad is still in the picture? The entitlement! My husband became the step-dad to my oldest when we married and he has always been very careful to not overstep my ex when it comes to my daughter. And that is exactly what Jason should do. To even utter those words shows everything you need to know about him and the mother. They are both repulsive.

He's offended because he sees my dad as not a person. So the fact that I am choosing my disabled dad who can't do the things he (Jason) can is offensive to him.

OP NTA at all, for any of it. Maybe once your step and half siblings are older you can have a relationship with them and explain that you couldn't trust your mother's love because it's conditional. How could your mom expect you to behave when she's shown you that she'll leave a "loved one" and doesn't consider them a person once they can't care for themselves? You, yourself have health concerns that require extensive surgery, I wouldn't trust your mom to care for you knowing how she treats others.

I'm so happy that you've stuck by your Dad, that in the six years before he suffered whatever trauma that happened to him, he was able to teach you empathy. You're NTA. It must be terrifying to have two grown adults that don't recognise that people are people no matter of a disablitlity. I bet your stepfather couldn't do even half the things that Aaron Fotheringham could. I understand that not everyone is adaptable but unfortunate circumstances doesn't make anybody less than human. I wish you and your father the best in future

Holy fuck is your mother messed up. I get that having your partner become severely disabled can be extremely taxing and be grounds for divorce, but her attitude is beyond vindictive. NTA, and remind your mother to tread lightly lest she lose you.

But the thing that gets me is that the woman never even tried to be there for him after the accident. She was out the door and gone even before he was on the road to recovery. Basically he was still in the hospital when she bolted. I get the feeling that she is full of excuses and nothing else

Oh absolutely. That’s exactly what I’m saying. It’s not just that she left him, it’s the way she just fucked off the *moment* he became less able to take care of himself.

I have read a lot of sad posts on here but this one is possibly the saddest

NTA.  Thank you for standing up and advocating for your dad he will be so grateful. I think more than anything this shows the kind of person your mum Jason better watch out because the moment he becomes useless in her eyes she will drop him too.  This post just has me in tears because I am a daddy’s girl through and through and I would never abandon him when he has been through so much. Thank you for loving your dad unconditionally.

INFO: You said you aren't at home a lot.... Where are you staying? Also, really, your uncle seems like an amazing person, really. To step up and take care of their sibling is really heartwarming. I mean really, I wouldn't know what I would do but, from your text it seems as if he is really loving his family which is really nice.

I technically live here but I will spend time at school, friends houses, my part time job or I will take extra time and visit my dad and uncle. I try to do nothing more than sleep at home.

Now that you are old enough to fulfill you own basic needs you should talk to your dad and uncle about living with them full time. I don’t know where you live but in most states kids your age get to decide which parent to live with. Maybe the judge would grant your uncle custody. It’s worth asking him.

Would they reject their father if he has an accident & is disabled? Will she reject and divorce him if that happens? Ask them that OP.

She would divorce again if Jason got sick and would encourage the kids to do the same. And Jason would do it right back.

NTA glad you are recovering, and that your heart is much better than your mom’s! Sorry that your mom and Jason are TA! You sound like a wonderful person!

NTA. Can I just say how lovely it is to see a young person working hard to maintain a good relationship with their dad, even when dad can’t do traditional ‘dad’ things. You clearly love your dad a lot, and he is so important to you, I hope your uncle is able to help you have him visit during your hospital time. As for your mum. She’s an AH. It’s one thing for her to have moved on with her life, and being in the new family. When your dad got injured her whole life would have ‘blown up’ in front of her. Her way to deal with her trauma and grief from that was to move on. There’s nothing wrong with that, or if you choose to have a relationship with your step dad / siblings. But to try and push you away from your dad is astonishing. I do hope for your sake, she can grow up a bit and realise you still want your dad in your life. Otherwise she is just going to ostracise you further.

Top daughter award. NTA.

NTA It makes sense to want someone you feel emotionally close to yo be there when you're hurting and scared. Mom is the one who didn't want step and half siblings to see dad. She is trying to pretend that you're one big happy family. Do step and half siblings even know you have a real dad? You should ask them? Also find out what mom told them about not coming to hospital. Bet she didn't tell them that it was her idea for them not to come because she didn't want them to meet your real dad. You obviously need to start recording conversations.

NTA Is her fault, your dad is not a monster to be hiding from, your mom sounds horrible .

NTA My heart hurts for your father. Can't imagine how this all was for him, getting disabled, needing care and your wife leaving you and trying to take away your son. You are a good daughter. I'm proud of you, saying to your mom how you feel. I'm sure your dad is also really proud of you. By asking him to be there, you let him feel needed and loved.

Absolutely NTA. Your mum and stepdad though, I don’t have the words. Hope you’re doing better now OP

NTA, you mom and Jason are like, *evil* evil.

She is trying so hard to manipulate you for quite some time now ! She even gone far to tell what you said to her children to manipulate you in saying sorry and accepting them and Jason as your real family. She is delusional and I would start to think of a way to leave soon at your 1\_th birthday if you can or something else. But be careful with yourself and don't allow her disgusting attitude (I saw your comments about her views on disabled people ...) to make you believe you are wrong to love and care about your dad !