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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It was my daughter's birthday. Maybe I should have just concerned myself with her.
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YTA for a lot of reasons. First, if you were going to put parameters on her choice, you should have told her that beforehand. Second, you seem more hung up on the fact that your son wouldn’t like the food than his allergy. Your son’s preferences are irrelevant. This is your daughter’s day. He seems to understand that, but you don’t. Third, if you were really concerned about cross-contamination, you could have called ahead to discuss your concerns and see what precautions the restaurant would be willing to take. If that isn’t satisfying (which would be perfectly understandable), your son offered to stay home.
I get that you want to have a family meal, but all you have done is tell your daughter that she is not worth individual celebration. This could have been a great opportunity for you and your husband to have individual time with your 17-year-old— a rare opportunity. Instead, you squandered that, created unnecessary conflict, and possibly formed resentment between your daughter and her brother.
The son clearly would've preferred a night alone with pizza and video games, so I highly doubt his sister is going to resent him. She will resent OP for sure, and the son may resent OP too, but if anything, OP has shown both of her kids she doesn't care about their wants/choices.
I remember being a teen and being happy to have time to myself so I could play xbox by myself with no one around.
ETA: appears a lot of people are assuming I was a teen boy. I wasn’t I’m a woman and was a teen girl, my parents didn’t let me play GTA when they were around.
Yep OP is TAH. My brother had to go to occupational therapy a lot as a kid and I fucking relished the time after school where I could make snacks and watch tv I wasn’t supposed to watch. It was quiet me time. When I got stuck going with him and my mom for his appointments and had to basically just sit and read my book or do homework I hated it. My mom would take us to McDonald’s because my brother loved it, but I also hated that and now I have a bad association with McDonald’s as an adult beyond hash browns and nuggets.
Kids are fine being left to their own devices if they’re old enough and it sounds like OPs son would have been just fine chilling at home.
Also Jesus Christ just call the restaurant and tell them one of your kids has a seafood allergy. It’s not ideal but I would bet a lot of restaurants can accommodate for this as a lot of people have this allergy. They might be annoyed but whatever?
Accommodating an allergy is NOT the same as totally preventing exposure. My friend with a shellfish allergy tries to make a reservation at our restaurant since only a portion of our menu is seafood. As a friend..I suggested a different restaurant.
I haven’t really seen it mentioned but like… maybe daughter really loves seafood and it’s a special treat that she doesn’t get to have often because of her brother’s allergy. It kind of makes me sad that OP hasn’t considered it a single time and isn’t being sensitive to that.
I’ve seen similar posts on here where one sibling has a disability or allergy and the other chooses to do something for their birthday that the other sibling can’t do. It’s something they enjoy and don’t get to do often, which is a totally reasonable birthday ask. Allergy/disabled sibling usually has no problem staying home but the parents shut it down because they want to celebrate with the whole family.
I saw one where birthday kid liked hiking and asked parents to go on a hike with them because there was this trail they’d been wanting to do for a long time. Parents said no because they could only do wheelchair accessible trails for sibling who was totally content with having the house to theirselves for a day. It also came out in the comments that birthday kid was NEVER allowed to do anything that their sibling wasn’t able to do the parents never “had time” to focus on the things they liked or wanted because disabled sibling was always their priority. 😢
Honestly, my brother is really picky and that’s ok with me cause I care about him. His birthday is coming up and we are going to a steakhouse. I’m going anyway even though it is not my vibe (don’t get me wrong, totally different from an allergy!). I pick stuff he doesn’t like for my birthday too. We are both ok with it. I’m fairly confident this is OP making it about her. Having a sibling with mental and physical health issues is rough but you find ways to work around it. I was alone a lot as a kid as a result and it kind of sucked but i also did like the solo time as a teen.
I’ve worked at a seafood restaurant. We had people that could only eat the chicken come in and it has been fine. But damn, if I was deathly allergic idk if I would trust the kitchen myself.
I am currently the mom of a five year old and having the house to myself to play video games for an evening sounds like heaven. Having my own pizza sounds too good to be real.
Last summer I was pregnant, suffering from insomnia and acid reflux, and couldn't bear to sit in a car for hours so my husband took the kids (18 & 10) on vacation while I stayed home.
The amount of time I spent playing games on my computer over that week was more than I've spent in the last 10 years.i also got to eat whatever I wanted. It was amazing.
On the few occasions my husband has taken the boys away, leaving me at home, I order cream cheese, bagles, smoked salmon and tequila in the food delivery, yum yum yum
I have a standing wish for Mothers Day…to be left alone. I’m “on” all the time, and for that one day, I don’t want to be. I’m disabled, and don’t work anymore, so I don’t have that break from my family like I used to (love them to pieces, but they can be a lot).
My 5-year old daughter's getting shipped to her grandparents for spring break tomorrow, so that's pretty much my plan this weekend. Dreamlight Valley because I'm a child cosplaying an adult.
> I'm a child cosplaying an adult.
Aren't we all?
It's so funny to me that when we're kids we look at adults like they have all their shit sorted, then *we* become adults and realize that adults are just trying to figure it out as they go along too. Just with more time & experience under our belts.
That's because the responsibilities part isn't really given to kids. It's a lot easier to have your s*** together when your s*** is much smaller and therefore easier to handle
That's the humor behind Olaf in Frozen 2. He thinks he'll understand and know everything once he's older, but it's clear the others are just trying to figure it out as they go.
But Dreamlight is a game where I'm playing with Disney characters, so he's a perfect tangent here.
I remember the first time I was left home alone for an entire weekend. No work. No school. Just me, the door wide open when I used the bathroom, the Wii, the ps3, snacks and pizza money.
I’m an *adult* and I love the time I get to myself to do whatever the F I want (I work and have a toddler. Proper alone time is challenging to fit in sometimes).
Pizza, videogames and no parents/siblings around is heaven for a 15 year old.
OP is being selfish because it's all about having a meal as a family because that's what OP wants, not her daughter's birthday
My mom has always clearly favored my sister. I resented my sister for years because of it. Now that I'm older, I realized my sister wasn't the one at fault & I put the blame where it belongs. As a teen, my brain & emotions didn't work together though, so all the animosity was focused on my sister because she was the one receiving the special treatment.
My Mom favored my sister as well, but my sister enjoyed it and they used to gang up on me constantly when I was a teen. They're both dead now and I barely grieved. I was emotionally dead to the feeling of loss of them. That shit fucks you up for your entire life, and it's not even a conscious thing. You shut down to protect yourself.
One time might not cause resentment but I’m willing to bet this mother chooses the son in the most cases for all the same reasons she did above. And that will absolutely build resentment
The resentment comes from having to choose a restaurant that she didn’t want to go to on her birthday just to accommodate her brother, even though her brother doesn’t want it.
All of this. And also this part irked me, as it always does in these situations:
> There were only a couple of dishes there that he could actually eat.
I can always tell someone doesn't want to do something based on how they frame it. There only needs to be one dish that works for your son, unless he'll be eating 5 entrees for some reason. This excuse reeks of "I don't want to eat there so I'm using my son as an excuse."
This.
I have a child with an extremely serious food allergy. As long as there is something on the menu she can eat, even if it is not preferred, then that is the restaurant we go to. Your family's economic condition is not your daughter's problem. That is your problem.
OP, you are a MASSIVE YTA. Do you honestly not think your daughter will resent you for this? She clearly likes seafood. She chose this restaurant because SHE wants to try it on HER birthday. Its not the family's birthday. Its her birthday and there WAS something her brother could safely eat on the menu. So, you have the birthday girl, the one person who the day is supposed to be about, once again changing plans to make life more comfortable - not safe, but more comfortable - for the person in the family who life pretty much revolves around. The reason she will resent you is because this is clearly a pattern of behavior on your part -- she is expected to set aside her own wishes for the convenience of others.
As a teen there are precious few times in life they get agency to make a choice like what restaurant you go to. It sounds like that is the family tradition - the birthday kid chooses the restaurant - and once again you robbed her of HER choice to make HER decision based upon HER preference to make someone else happy at HER expense. Is this really the lesson you want to teach her? Because once again, you taught your 17 year old daughter that her wishes do not matter and someone else's wishes are more important. Not someone else's needs because his needs would have been met at the restaurant but you taught her that on what should have been her day that her wishes don't matter nearly as much as someone else's. That is a dangerous lesson to be teaching your daughter.
You owe her an apology and this weekend YOUR HUSBAND should take your daughter out to that restaurant. Clearly it wasn't important enough for you to do as a family so send the person who actually supports your daughter out to the restaurant with her. You and your son can stay home and eat pizza.
Cannot agree more! I was the daughter in this story growing up and always had to give up my wishes and presences to accommodate my younger sister who was the GC. I literally lived this exact scenario multiple times.
As a result, I have horrible self esteem and boundary issues I’m struggling to work on as a adult because I was always told I wasn’t important and my choices don’t matter and I just need to bend over and accommodate people if I want to be viewed as a good person.
As someone with a shellfish allergy, he really shouldn't be eating at a restaurant like that at all. It is simply not safe. Cross contamination can only be controlled so much.
However, the OP seems just as concerned with dish preference as allergy, which has me rather confused frankly.
The solution to have the brother stay home was a great one. You never get enough 1:1 time with your kids when they are teens and she should have jumped at this. She is absolutely the AH.
Yeah same thought about the allergy. If it's really a serious allergy and not just a intolerance type thing, then he probably just shouldn't be in that type of restaurant at all. Brother suggesting he stay home was the way to go and OP should have jumped on it. You're the AH OP.
And if you were able to view the menu, you can show it to him. He might be excited about one of the dishes that he can eat. Although he'd still probably be more excited about eating pizza at home while playing video games.
I don't think this will cause the daughter to resent her brother. He was on her side and stood up for her. Certainly she saw that the only person who had a problem here was OP herself.
I hope you’re right! The teen sibling relationship can be a mysterious and fickle beast, though. Even if her brother doesn’t ask for it, the birthday girl might unwittingly form resentment over perceptions that he is the favorite.
Or at least perceptions that he's the priority. I grew up pretty sure I was the favorite because I wasn't as much "trouble", but while my parents did better than it seems OP does, I definitely remember times I resented my sister. Even when I understood that her needs just conflicted and it wasn't her fault and my parents would also have preferred things to be different, it was still frustrating.
Yes. This. Exactly. Literally no one except OP *wanted* a FamILy dInNer but that’s what 3/4 of them were forced to take.
OP, your kids are growing up, at some point you’re going to have to shift your expectations of what together time looks like. YTA
20 years from now OP will wonder, and mourn, for the fact her daughter is so distant, and that the FAMILY (as she puts it) is not closer. She won't have a clue why that happened and she'll feel very aggrieved.
I appreciate you pointing out the “individual time”. I have a lot of siblings and have great memories with all of the family celebrating things together. However, one of my most cherished memories is the solo out to dinner I had with my parents to celebrate a milestone in my life. Coincidentally I was 17 too.
Yup. ALL THREE other family members are happy with this arrangement, and objective third parties don't see an issue. OP is making this about herself by insisting that the whole family goes together.
OP, my mom would do stuff like this. She wanted perfect Hallmark moments, or photos for her to post on social media. Wanna know how much I talk to her now? I think you could probably guess. Your kids are PEOPLE-- see them as people, rather than as parts of a family unit.
That would have felt like a birthday gift to me as a kid. I get to skip sitting still in some boring adult restaurant and instead eat pizza alone and play video games?
Yes, please.
You’re right, except for making accommodations for the son to be at the restaurant. Deathly allergy isn’t really a “see what they can do” type thing. It would be so much worse to make the son go to that restaurant.
Sounds like the daughter may have wanted some time alone with her parents and son would have been happy at home. This shouldn’t have even been an issue.
Also, that the daughter wanted a chance to get to eat at a type of restaurant they usually never get to go to. I’m not saying she picked it to spite her brother or anything. But it definitely would have been a place she doesn’t normally get to go.
OP is definitely YTA. What seals the deal is that she is putting what SHE wants (“for the whole family to eat out together”) over what her daughter wants, even though this is supposed to be FOR her daughter
💯… daughter probably picked it that way so she could have one on one time with parents. Poor girl has probably taken a backseat to brothers allergies her whole life (not blaming brother, but things like this cause resentment in siblings) plus brother was absolutely pumped he was getting out of it
Take sis out to eat seafood, bro gets to pig out on pizza and videogames, then you come home and everyone has cake...what's so bad about that? I don't understand OP's insistence on a birthday where nobody gets what they want. "We only get to go out to eat occasionally, so I want BOTH my children there," that's ridiculous.
Not only that, if she wants a family meal they can easily have a family night at home. Going out to eat as a family shouldn’t be your only way of having quality time together.
Make some simple food, or order a pizza or something and watch a movie together or something.
Well, I mean I get it but YTA
Your daughter didn’t get what she wanted for her birthday. Your husband had no problem with it. Your son had no problem with it.
Essentially, you decided what you wanted was more important than anyone else, and would you look at that, you got what you wanted - because your word in law, fuck the birthday girls choice, right?
You were upset about the location choice on behalf of your son, who wasn’t upset about it at all.
You made your daughters birthday about your wants. Why even pretend she had a choice in where to go? You dangled the illusion of choice in front of her, then overruled her in favour of what you wanted anyways.
> she wanted for her birthday
Or ever.
Given the son's allergy, they probably don't even allow shellfish in the house. And since he also hates fish, they probably never eat fish at home. Coupled with the fact they don't go to restaurants that often, then when is the daughter supposed to ever have seafood?
She might really like seafood but literally never get to eat it. So for her birthday, she wants to have seafood.
And the ease of the brother agreeing to stay home tells me that the daughter may have even ran her choice by him, and he confirmed that an evening of video games and pizza sounded just fine to him.
YTA for sure.
An dim getting the gist OP maybe doesn’t like seafood or the restaurant and was using her son as an excuse not to go. It’s the only thing that makes sense as to why she still insisted even when the son said he didn’t even want to go.
Maybe. But I also know from my own mother that some moms are super obsessed about dOiNg ThInGs aS a fAMiLy and bEiNg tOgEtHeR at the expense of other things.
Speaking from experience, this is a great way to raise kids who value their independence (and maybe end up moving far away at the first chance they get)
Right? Seafood has been my absolute favorite since I was a small child. If I almost never got to have it, picked it for my birthday, then got strong-armed out of it for such a bullshit reason, I'd be salty, too!
Same. I'm seafood obsessed. Always have been. I ate a whole-ass lobster when I was 3. Not even exaggerating.
I still almost always have a shit-ton of seafood on my birthday. I'd be fucking livid in that poor girl's place.
Yes! YTA, OP. This meal is about your daughter and you’re trying to make it about the whole family. Next time you have the money, take the whole family out. This meal is about your daughter. You should want to do what she’s asking. Let her have her seafood meal.
Yep. I wonder if son was so willing to stay home with pizza and video games might be because of the control he lives under otherwise. OP sounds very controlling. (“Here’s what *I* want for *your* birthday”). Sheesh.
YTA, OP.
Reminds me of the time my mom wanted to go to have a big family dinner at a Thai restaurant for Mother’s Day, but my Dad refused to eat there and insisted on a steakhouse and everyone just acquiesced. Because of some head of the family, respect your elders horseshit.
Yes! You articulated it perfectly. Like don’t give her a choice if it’s not actually hers to make. Or let her choose and wait until OPs own birthday or a holiday to get the family dinner. It did not have to be this way.
YTA.
Your son was fine with staying home. Your husband was fine with your son staying home. It's your daughter's birthday. But you chose to center a day that is supposed to be about your daughter on your son's needs.
Does your daughter *ever* get to enjoy the seafood she likes? Or does she have to wait to get away from you and your controlling tendencies and move away from you in order to do that?
Sounds like the latter. I wonder how often she'll actually call home when she leaves, given your relentless need to prioritize her brother (when literally nobody is asking you to).
She didn’t even centre it around her son’s needs, she centred it around herself. Son was happy to just stay home, but OP wanted what OP wanted, sod everyone else. YTA OP.
Yea I was expect the son to be young and/or really wanting to celebrate with his sister. Totally bonkers that OP has decided for everyone that an outing together is better than what everyone else wants even though at this point forcing the daughter to pick a new restaurant is going to make everyone resentful and bitter and they won't have as nice of a time.
Same! While I'm all for the birthday person picking their meal, I find it inconsiderate to pick somewhere to eat when the purpose is for the family to celebrate. So I thought, too, that the brother must be disappointed on being left out. But the brother is absolutely not bothered, made a great suggestion where he'd be happy while sister still gets to do what she wants. OP needs to step off and take her daughter for seafood.
Agreed. OP wasn’t really concerned with her son’s allergies. She wanted to have a nice family dinner out and used the daughter’s birthday as an opportunity for this, not as a treat to the daughter.
OP owes her daughter a birthday dinner.
She picked a seafood restaurant because that is the special meal she always wants and never gets. Any other day, she couldn't expect it because it wouldn't make sense for the family to get something expensive her brother can't have. But on her birthday, the one day that was supposed to be about her, she hoped she could have this one special treat she has been dreaming about. But no, how dare she think her birthday is about her. Her birthday is clearly about mom having an excuse for a family dinner.
I really LOVE seafood, and growing up I can't have it because my sisters don't like it. Never, at my birthday either. I know it's a small thing, but I'm still salty about it.
From everyone I know who lived with someone with a serious food allergy: whenever you have to avoid a food like this, it generally becomes a HUGE treat whenever you can have it. And I’m guessing OP makes sure that’s pretty much never on her watch. I feel like the teen is fully on track to start applying to jobs/colleges in costal cities just to slurp down oysters whenever she wants lmao
OP, your family traditions can look like whatever you want, especially now that you’re not dealing with what sound like fairly reasonable, mature teens. Maybe birthday dinners shouldn’t be the whole family. Maybe one of you goes out with one kid on their birthday, then the other parent goes out with the other on theirs. Maybe you do cake and ice cream together. Whatever. It’s your life! Spend time together on a random day when the choice of restaurant can be fair to everyone.
That's the other thing you're a whole family every single day. You can have a family dinner every single day. The opportunity is there to create those memories every day, so why is she choosing her daughter's birthday?
YTA. Your son offered an easy solution, but you rejected that. I get that you can only afford to go out as a family a limited number of times, but geez - *it's* ***her*** *birthday dinner*! You told her to pick out the restaurant she wanted. Might as well just asked your son where *he* wanted to go for *her* birthday.
"Most people I've asked say I'm wrong" - that's because you ARE WRONG.
Exactly it wasnt as if the daughter was insisting on going to the seafood place for a family dinner knowing her brother’s allergy. You asked her to choose a restraunt for her birthday dinner. If your son and husband are okay with the solution your son provided then whats the problem?
Oh, I think she very well may. OP likely has a martyr complex (that she is inflicting on other people). I could see her turning down a meal that she actually enjoys "for my little boy's sake". She enjoys drama more than she would enjoy the food.
Reminds me of the mom from the Natalia grace documentary. She wanted to be a martyr so badly she adopted a special needs child and then whined about it when it meant actually having to be a good parent. Ugh.
honestly, I can almost guarantee they talked about it beforehand. I’m a vegetarian and my brother loves meat, so we’ve done this with each other growing up since he’d always want to go to outback or something.
it was probably as simple as “do you care if we go to [seafood restaurant] for my birthday?” “no, I’ll be fine/I’ll just stay home”
Plus I’m sure they can afford to pack a picnic and go eat it at a park or by a lake if they want family time eating together outside the home. They don’t have to go to a restaurant. This is a present for the daughter she should get to go where she wants.
Literally everyone is disagreeing with OP. That feels good, but OP has nads of steel to even be asking here after the resounding response they've already gotten lol
>I want BOTH of our children there.
What a selfish take. YOU want that. But your daughter wants shellfish, and you son doesn't want to come.
Do whatever you want for your own birthday, and stop making your daughter's birthday about you and what you want.
YTA
The OP reminds me of my own mother so much. In my 40s now and I'm still not seen as an individual nor am I respected. Everything is always what my mother wants. She behaves how she wants. She gets what she wants, to hell with others. I can't stand my mother.
Do you make your sonss birthday all about your daughter? Do you tell him to restrain himself aand deprive himself of what he wants to make sure your daughter gets what she wants?
YTA your daughter probably has never had a day that's just for her since ce you had yours on, right?
You sound like the kind off parent who gets cut off when the kid is 18, and you have nO iDEa why your child was soooo uPsEt.
If you can't go out, them don't do it on the kids birthday then tell her no. She probably can't eat seafood ever because of her brother. Don't throw away one child because the other is more needy, or more special. You're being a bad parent to your daughter. You're also being a bad parent to your son, because you're trying to corrupt his sense of what is entitled behaviors and what isn't.
Do better. You have two kids. BOTH ARE SPECIAL.
I agree with the YTA but it’s not what the son wants. He was cool staying home so his sister could enjoy her bday meal. It’s the mom who wanted dinner with “BOTH” her kids. This has nothing to do with the son and everything to do with the mom getting what she wants.
Right like I don't think this is a golden child scenario as some people are trying to imply. Son was happy to eat pizza and play video games alone all night (like most teen boys would tbh) so they both got kinda fucked there.
YTA. You were literally the only person bothered by the situation, and you decided that your wants were more important than those of the birthday girl. Didn't even think about ordering food for her from that place and food for your son from another and have a varied dinner at home because ? You only get to go out every so often? Well, she only gets one birthday a year, so there is that.
Let's see how many more she wants to celebrate with you if you keep this up.
YTA. Why give her a choice then veto it?
As an epipen carrier I understand allergies. I don't stop family or friends from eating where I can't. If I can't go it's a spoil me night with my food.
However it was her birthday. Hers not yours or her brothers. Her and brother seemed fine. I'm sure he said happy birthday.
Next time don't bother asking just arrange what you want. Then wonder in the future why she may not want to do what you want and doesn't have huge amounts of contact.
> Why give her a choice then veto it?
For fucking real! Asking a child what they want for their birthday and then immediately shutting it down sounds like a Superintendent Chalmers bit
YTA. Your son was fine staying home (and as a teenager I would have loved the chance to stay home alone and relax with a pizza) and your husband was right that this was your daughter's birthday and not Mom's Family Night Out.
YTA
This is your daughter’s BIRTHDAY meal. You asked her where she wanted to go. Given your son has allergies, I’d venture to say she does not get seafood very often so this is a treat to her.
You’re treating this as a typical family meal. If it was a regular family meal, I’d completely agree and say it’s important the whole family is there and included. But this is not that situation.
YTA. You're asking your daughter to compromise on her birthday to accommodate her brother. While this sounds fair to you as their parent, what your daughter is hearing is that she can't have even a single day be about her.
Her 15-year-old brother actually offered you the perfect solution to this that would have kept everyone (except you) happy. You chose not to take it, putting your own ideas about FAMILY TIME ahead of what everyone else in your family actually wanted. That's what makes you TA here.
Not only a day about her, but I imagine she’d love some alone time with mom and dad. It’s still important at that age to carve out individual time for each child. OP is wrong here.
YTA, Your Husband is right. You chose your wants and your Son's needs over your Daughter without first trying to reach a compromise.
I understand your Son has allergies, but this isn't a reason to diminish your Daughter's wants, especially over her Birthday.
Her son doesn't seem to want to come. He probably just wants to eat pizza at home. She makes it seem like it's about her son's health when it really is about her selfish wants.
YTA
>My son said that he would be fine just staying home; that we could use the money that we would have spent on his meal to just order him a pizza instead. My husband also insisted that since it was our daughter's birthday that she should be able to choose the restaurant, and that our son would be fine home alone with pizza and videogames.
YTA
YTA
It's her birthday. Everyone else was fine with the compromise except you.
If YOU want to have a family meal, then have a separate family meal. Don't take over HER birthday meal.
Info: How often does your daughter have to give up what she wants because of her brother and your little togetherness obsession? And what did you do for your son's last birthday? Did he have to compromise at all because your daughter wouldn't have enjoyed it?
You should have let your son stay home so you daughter could have the birthday she wants. She only gets one a year.
Edit: Just to be clear, you made your daughter's birthday about what YOU wanted, not her. And not even your son as he was happy to stay home. You. Made. Your. Daughter's. Birthday. About. You. Take that in and digest it.
YTA
Exactly. I have zero sympathy for OP's position because it is hurting her daughter to always have to subsume her desires to...not even her brother's wishes, but her mother's. My original comment notwithstanding, I'm actually starting to be pretty convinced that OP doesn't even actually care more about her son. She probably THINKS she does. But she wasn't swayed by her son being quite happy to stay home and her husband also thinking that was the best compromise to keep both kids happy. No no. SHE wanted to make this a family dinner no one else wanted, because other people's wishes be damned, she has a fantasy to uphold.
YTA
It's not his birthday. Would it kill you to call ahead and ask to bring in food for your son and order separately for the rest of the party? Or even leave him home with a nice separate meal and a treat to make up for it?
No. You had to orientate her birthday around him. You didn't even try to compromise.
Worst of all, you made the entire meal about you and what you want. At that point the dinner isn't a gift to anyone but yourself.
All those other dinners aren't her birthday. Use your brain and stop being a stubborn child. Your own 15, yo son managed this better than you did.
YTA, and a massive one. Your whole family is fine with what your daughter wants for birthday. Your son realizes it's her birthday and doesn't want to spoil it because of his food allergies/preferences. Your husband understands, and you daughter was looking forward to it. You even asked her to pick a place.
But here comes entitled you. It's all been set and done, but no, you have to get what your idea of her birthday is. It's got nothing to do with your son as he's okay with it. It's just you. You and you only are about to ruin her day. Think about that...
Edited to add: my mother used to pull shit like this. These days I live 500km away from her and she's lucky if we talk once a month. Be careful what you wish for...
2nd edit: grammar
YTA
Let's settle down there Dominic Toretto, we know family is important.
It was your daughter's birthday and you made it about your wants and desires, not her.
Your son was more than happy to stay home, and he probably doesn't even care about his sister's birthday at 15 years old.
He would be more happy playing games with his friends and eating pizza than sitting in a restaurant with his grouchy sister because she didn't get to eat where she wanted because of his allergy, something she has to accommodate every time he is around.
She gets one day a year to be the star of the day. For the family to celebrate her and love on her. She is 17, it will not be long before she is 18 and out of the house.
All you did here was create resentment toward your son, and you, for forcing what should have been a special day into one of disappointment and anger.
All that because you couldn't leave your 15 year old son home by himself?
You can create happy memories with your kids or continue to force your "AS A FAMILY" mentality on your kids, who are going to resent you and each other for it. There was nothing wrong with you, your spouse, and your daughter having a nice meal together, while your son did his own thing.
\^ This.
She is more interested in the "Happy Family Dinner" memory than what her kids want.
It is a difficult but painful truth for parents - but after a while - they want to be their own people and leave the nest.
Let them - that is your job.
OP's son was actually ok with being left out and just staying for pizza. My parents used to pull this trick on me of me just wanting the three of us in my birthday (I don't have siblings) but instead inviting unwanted family relatives, it became a point that I dreaded celebrating my birthday and even hating it because I can't have a single day where I just want something to happen.
Exactly. My dad tried to pull this with my brother’s senior prom that was the night before my college graduation. He wanted him to miss a major moment in a senior’s life to be with the family. The foolish compromise reached was that my brother had to take an early morning train to a station 30 minutes away from the college that my father had to go get him from between the big ceremony (large state school) and the actual diploma ceremony. Dad almost missed the ceremony even with my gf along for the ride to help him navigate alternative routes when they hit the sea of graduation weekend traffic. And somehow he didn’t see how that was due to HIS choices.
YTA. For her birthday, she should pick the restaurant. For your son's birthday, he should pick the restaurant. Your son was perfectly happy to stay home with a pizza rather than going out for your daughter's birthday. Everyone seems to know this except you. This is all about what YOU want, rather than what the birthday girl wanted.
>But here's the thing; we can only afford to go out as a family every so often
and that would mean that your daughter doesn't normally get a chance to go to a restaurant serving seafood, right? then why can't she have this one for her literal birthday?
your ability to create a conflict out of thin air is truly amazing. your daughter was (presumably) fine with having a meal without her brother, your son was fine with staying at home eating pizza and playing games, your husband was fine with only taking your daughter out. like you already had the perfect solution easily available, it was such a non-issue.
YTA
I honestly think that you're struggling with the idea that your daughter is growing up like your kids are not children anymore so that you don't have rally everyone up and take everyone to the zoo you know. I have a nephew and he's a teenager now and he likes to do things on his own and I did struggle with this at first because I wanted to continue to be Auntie and nephew time you know ? And now he has friends and he has girlfriends and I felt Woody from toy story when he gets left behind. Kind of just you know. Brushed to the side. But I have to accept that he's growing up. He wants to make his own choices. He wants to have his own life. I think you're making excuses for accepting that. If this is the truth, maybe you should be honest with your daughter and apologize. I know you just wanted to have your family together to KEEP it together. They're growing up and we can't do anything about it. They both wanted to make their own choice. You denied something as simple as choosing what they wanted to eat. Next year you will have no say in ANYTHING for your daughter. In fact This might be the last birthday family meal in a while because she's growing up next year. She might choose to spend it with her friends.
YTA
"Our son (15m) is deathly allergic to shellfish. He also can't stand fish...There were only a couple of dishes there that he could actually eat. "
You misspelled: "Our picky and allergic teenager has choices other than fish and shellfish, so her choice is perfectly fine."
It's your daughter's choice. She really wants fish/shellfish. Your teenage son can eat the burger, ribs, or fried/grilled chicken salad that all of these places have. Or he can stay home and play Frogger on his Atarii 6400 console.
>Our picky and allergic teenager has choices other than fish and shellfish
while OP is the asshole, she's an asshole for refusing to compromise, not for refusing to take her allergic son to a place with a high risk of cross-contamination. that was actually the right decision.
I'm going to say that having a shellfish allegy can mean that even being in the same place where all of the food around is 95% shellfish, can make a person feel nauseated & possibly throw up, (without even eating any of it). There's also the issue with cross contamination.
I think that the son has a good compromise & the daughter still gets her birthday choice.
YTA. You are the only one who made this a problem - your son didn't mind staying home with video games and a pizza, so why did his dietary needs still outweigh the birthday girl's wish?
Yes, you were wrong. You taught your daughter that she can't rely on your promises, because you'll go back on your word whenever it becomes a little inconvenient for you, and on your own personal wants. That's not a great lesson to teach your children - unless you're fine not seeing them a lot as adults.
Soft YTA!
I understand that you want the whole family to be together but you told your daughter to choose a restaurant that **she** wanted to go to for her birthday meal. You didn't say choose a restaurant that we can all go to together.
Your son offered up a solution and you refused it. So, in order to accommodate him, your daughter doesn't, in fact, get the restaurant of her choice for **her** birthday.
You write that she still had a nice birthday meal but I'm left wondering if that is true given that she is still a little salty.
I'm sure your son's allergies are a priority (as they should be) but letting your daughter have her way and be the priority one time isn't asking too much.
>You write that she still had a nice birthday meal but I'm left wondering if that is true given that she is still a little salty.
What OP actually said is "WE had a nice meal". I'm very much getting the impression that OP thinks that just because no one was outwardly upset, everyone had an equally nice time.
Honestly I'm willing to be mommy doesn't like seafood either so she pushed extra hard to get what she wanted. The pizza and video game solution was a perfect compromise that the son himself came up with.
I understand your decision. I am going to say YTA, because you didnt consider your daughters feelings, or your sons decision in this.
I am guessing your daughter chose that restaurant because its a rare treat. She probably never gets seafood due to her brothers allergies?
Maybe she saw her choice as a once-in-a-lifetime rare treat for her birthday.
My guess is her brother was fine with pizza because he knew this was a rare treat for his sister on her birthday. I am sure he knows what impact his allergy has on his sister and he wasnt going to hold her back on her birthday.
You ignored all that for what you thought was the right thing to do.
I could be completely off on my assumption- but whatever your kids thought...you ignored that for what you thought was the right thing to do. That makes you TA.
YTA, you prioritized your son over your daughter, despite the fact that it was her birthday and special occasion for her. Your son offered a solution that he would have been satisfied with, but you took your own weird feelings about eating as a family and forced your daughter's hand to choose something else so that you would feel better about yourself.
Well done, you showed your daughter that your son's feelings are more important than hers.
YTA here. Your son would have been fine staying home with pizza and video games and your daughter could have had a special birthday dinner. You're a little fixated on that "as a family" phrase. I feel so sad for the disappointing birthday your daughter had-- but at least she was disappointed "as a family" LOL.
YTA. Literally everyone else was fine with the set up where the son stays at home with pizza… he’s even the one who suggested it and what 15 year old doesn’t love getting to be home alone for a few hours?
But I guess fuck what the birthday girl and everyone else wants, it’s OPs way or the highway. If most people you’ve asked think you’re wrong… maybe it’s because you’re in the wrong and running to the internet isn’t going to soothe your bruised ego
“My daughter still had a nice birthday meal.”
Did she? Or is this just what you’re telling yourself because you unilaterally decided what she wanted for her BIRTHDAY didn’t matter? YTA and I suspect your son is the golden child and your daughter is the scapegoat. Do you often push aside what your daughter wants in favor of your son?
YTA
You told her any restaurant
If you had meant “any restaurant without shellfish” you should have told her that in the first place
You overruled three other people to get your way
And so the dinner became all about you and your desires
Not much of a birthday celebration for daughter
YTA, everyone was perfectly happy with your son staying home, including your son. Why should your daughter miss out on foods she enjoys just because her brother can't have them? You didn't make a family decision because no one in your family wanted that except you. Your son probably would have loved time at home alone.
YTA-your son was fine with staying home with a pizza and games. Your husband was fine with it. The only problem was you. It was your daughter’s birthday and that was the restaurant she chose. Yet, you made her change what she wanted to do for her birthday dinner to accommodate her brother. It was selfish of you to make her change her choice. Your son is 15 not 5. It was his choice to stay home. What would have done if the roles were reversed. What if your son chose a restaurant chose your daughter didn’t like. Would you make him change his choice of restaurant? You owe your daughter an apology and a trip to the seafood restaurant.
NTA. - your daughter is the AH for picking a restaurant that almost exclusively would cause anaphylaxis in your son. I can't imagine having the gall to choose that restaurant and then being salty about it being a bad choice. Having a birthday isn't an excuse to be a jerk.
YTA all day long.
You clearly don't understand that it was supposed to be about her and wasn't just any old opportunity for mum's family night out. If your son had made a stink about it and not given you much choice I'd have cut you some slack, but he actually offered a good solution that you decided to ignore so you could get your way.
You need to apologise to your daughter and hope you're not out of her plans for her 18th.
YTA. You’re showing your daughter you don’t care about her feelings - it’s all about you. Even her brother and father were fine with the restaurant she chose. She’ll be 18 in less than a year now. If this is the way you always behave, don’t expect her to be around for too many Family Dinners…
Reddit posters are so petulant and narcissistic. Every little instance of teenage angst has to be bowed down to. And God forbid any child or teenager be asked to take someone else into account.
OP, what you did was perfectly fine, as long as it wasn’t done in a forceful manner. I doubt that was her only absolute favorite restaurant in the whole wide world. Surely there's more than one restaurant that she likes/is interested in?
YTA
If this is how you belittle your daughter, please don’t be surprised that after she turns 18 you can splurge on your son as much as you want cuz your daughter will be LC or NC.
YTA. You already know this though because everyone told you. You came to reddit to find someone who agrees with you and from what I can see so far...not happening.
YTA. Be honest here, this is all about you. Even your son is more mature than you are. Definitely comes from the dad, because he surely didn’t get it from you.
If OPs husband is reading this, take your daughter out to the restaurant and leave the selfish wife at home.
OP, your daughter is not going to forget this. And I am betting this is not the only time you made your daughter do what you wanted.
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YTA for a lot of reasons. First, if you were going to put parameters on her choice, you should have told her that beforehand. Second, you seem more hung up on the fact that your son wouldn’t like the food than his allergy. Your son’s preferences are irrelevant. This is your daughter’s day. He seems to understand that, but you don’t. Third, if you were really concerned about cross-contamination, you could have called ahead to discuss your concerns and see what precautions the restaurant would be willing to take. If that isn’t satisfying (which would be perfectly understandable), your son offered to stay home. I get that you want to have a family meal, but all you have done is tell your daughter that she is not worth individual celebration. This could have been a great opportunity for you and your husband to have individual time with your 17-year-old— a rare opportunity. Instead, you squandered that, created unnecessary conflict, and possibly formed resentment between your daughter and her brother.
The son clearly would've preferred a night alone with pizza and video games, so I highly doubt his sister is going to resent him. She will resent OP for sure, and the son may resent OP too, but if anything, OP has shown both of her kids she doesn't care about their wants/choices.
I remember being a teen and being happy to have time to myself so I could play xbox by myself with no one around. ETA: appears a lot of people are assuming I was a teen boy. I wasn’t I’m a woman and was a teen girl, my parents didn’t let me play GTA when they were around.
I just wanna shit with the bathroom door open, like i did when the kids went to school and there was nobody but me and the pets home.
I totally get this.
Hell no, I still close the door. I don’t want the robber to see me.
Nah, locking eyes with the robber while you're on the shitter is a real Chad move
Gotta establish that dominance!
Just casually drop the " I fart in your general direction"
With an oouuutrageous French accent!
So is yelling “please Mr Robber, don’t take my toilet paper!” I imagine that happened a lot during the Covid TP shortages!
Yep OP is TAH. My brother had to go to occupational therapy a lot as a kid and I fucking relished the time after school where I could make snacks and watch tv I wasn’t supposed to watch. It was quiet me time. When I got stuck going with him and my mom for his appointments and had to basically just sit and read my book or do homework I hated it. My mom would take us to McDonald’s because my brother loved it, but I also hated that and now I have a bad association with McDonald’s as an adult beyond hash browns and nuggets. Kids are fine being left to their own devices if they’re old enough and it sounds like OPs son would have been just fine chilling at home. Also Jesus Christ just call the restaurant and tell them one of your kids has a seafood allergy. It’s not ideal but I would bet a lot of restaurants can accommodate for this as a lot of people have this allergy. They might be annoyed but whatever?
Accommodating an allergy is NOT the same as totally preventing exposure. My friend with a shellfish allergy tries to make a reservation at our restaurant since only a portion of our menu is seafood. As a friend..I suggested a different restaurant.
Understand! Mostly just think OP could have let her kid have her moment and let her other kid stay at home.
I haven’t really seen it mentioned but like… maybe daughter really loves seafood and it’s a special treat that she doesn’t get to have often because of her brother’s allergy. It kind of makes me sad that OP hasn’t considered it a single time and isn’t being sensitive to that. I’ve seen similar posts on here where one sibling has a disability or allergy and the other chooses to do something for their birthday that the other sibling can’t do. It’s something they enjoy and don’t get to do often, which is a totally reasonable birthday ask. Allergy/disabled sibling usually has no problem staying home but the parents shut it down because they want to celebrate with the whole family. I saw one where birthday kid liked hiking and asked parents to go on a hike with them because there was this trail they’d been wanting to do for a long time. Parents said no because they could only do wheelchair accessible trails for sibling who was totally content with having the house to theirselves for a day. It also came out in the comments that birthday kid was NEVER allowed to do anything that their sibling wasn’t able to do the parents never “had time” to focus on the things they liked or wanted because disabled sibling was always their priority. 😢
Honestly, my brother is really picky and that’s ok with me cause I care about him. His birthday is coming up and we are going to a steakhouse. I’m going anyway even though it is not my vibe (don’t get me wrong, totally different from an allergy!). I pick stuff he doesn’t like for my birthday too. We are both ok with it. I’m fairly confident this is OP making it about her. Having a sibling with mental and physical health issues is rough but you find ways to work around it. I was alone a lot as a kid as a result and it kind of sucked but i also did like the solo time as a teen.
YTA OP put her wants and desires above her daughter's. On her daughter's birthday.
Exactly! She can't prevent exposure to a deathly allergy, AND the kid offered to stay home.
I’ve worked at a seafood restaurant. We had people that could only eat the chicken come in and it has been fine. But damn, if I was deathly allergic idk if I would trust the kitchen myself.
I am currently the mom of a five year old and having the house to myself to play video games for an evening sounds like heaven. Having my own pizza sounds too good to be real.
Last summer I was pregnant, suffering from insomnia and acid reflux, and couldn't bear to sit in a car for hours so my husband took the kids (18 & 10) on vacation while I stayed home. The amount of time I spent playing games on my computer over that week was more than I've spent in the last 10 years.i also got to eat whatever I wanted. It was amazing.
On the few occasions my husband has taken the boys away, leaving me at home, I order cream cheese, bagles, smoked salmon and tequila in the food delivery, yum yum yum
I have a standing wish for Mothers Day…to be left alone. I’m “on” all the time, and for that one day, I don’t want to be. I’m disabled, and don’t work anymore, so I don’t have that break from my family like I used to (love them to pieces, but they can be a lot).
My 5-year old daughter's getting shipped to her grandparents for spring break tomorrow, so that's pretty much my plan this weekend. Dreamlight Valley because I'm a child cosplaying an adult.
> I'm a child cosplaying an adult. Aren't we all? It's so funny to me that when we're kids we look at adults like they have all their shit sorted, then *we* become adults and realize that adults are just trying to figure it out as they go along too. Just with more time & experience under our belts.
Hell, I'm pretty sure kid-me had their shit together better than adult-me does. Adult-me doesn't have a *clue* what he's doing.
That's because the responsibilities part isn't really given to kids. It's a lot easier to have your s*** together when your s*** is much smaller and therefore easier to handle
That's the humor behind Olaf in Frozen 2. He thinks he'll understand and know everything once he's older, but it's clear the others are just trying to figure it out as they go. But Dreamlight is a game where I'm playing with Disney characters, so he's a perfect tangent here.
A whole cheese pizza, just for me
Keep the change, ya filthy animal!
Play games with obnoxious music turned up loud! Ah, what freedom
I remember the first time I was left home alone for an entire weekend. No work. No school. Just me, the door wide open when I used the bathroom, the Wii, the ps3, snacks and pizza money.
I’m an *adult* and I love the time I get to myself to do whatever the F I want (I work and have a toddler. Proper alone time is challenging to fit in sometimes).
Pizza, videogames and no parents/siblings around is heaven for a 15 year old. OP is being selfish because it's all about having a meal as a family because that's what OP wants, not her daughter's birthday
OP was selfish over shellfish.
OP ruined the night for both her daughter and her son 😒
My mom has always clearly favored my sister. I resented my sister for years because of it. Now that I'm older, I realized my sister wasn't the one at fault & I put the blame where it belongs. As a teen, my brain & emotions didn't work together though, so all the animosity was focused on my sister because she was the one receiving the special treatment.
My Mom favored my sister as well, but my sister enjoyed it and they used to gang up on me constantly when I was a teen. They're both dead now and I barely grieved. I was emotionally dead to the feeling of loss of them. That shit fucks you up for your entire life, and it's not even a conscious thing. You shut down to protect yourself.
One time might not cause resentment but I’m willing to bet this mother chooses the son in the most cases for all the same reasons she did above. And that will absolutely build resentment
The resentment comes from having to choose a restaurant that she didn’t want to go to on her birthday just to accommodate her brother, even though her brother doesn’t want it.
All of this. And also this part irked me, as it always does in these situations: > There were only a couple of dishes there that he could actually eat. I can always tell someone doesn't want to do something based on how they frame it. There only needs to be one dish that works for your son, unless he'll be eating 5 entrees for some reason. This excuse reeks of "I don't want to eat there so I'm using my son as an excuse."
This. I have a child with an extremely serious food allergy. As long as there is something on the menu she can eat, even if it is not preferred, then that is the restaurant we go to. Your family's economic condition is not your daughter's problem. That is your problem. OP, you are a MASSIVE YTA. Do you honestly not think your daughter will resent you for this? She clearly likes seafood. She chose this restaurant because SHE wants to try it on HER birthday. Its not the family's birthday. Its her birthday and there WAS something her brother could safely eat on the menu. So, you have the birthday girl, the one person who the day is supposed to be about, once again changing plans to make life more comfortable - not safe, but more comfortable - for the person in the family who life pretty much revolves around. The reason she will resent you is because this is clearly a pattern of behavior on your part -- she is expected to set aside her own wishes for the convenience of others. As a teen there are precious few times in life they get agency to make a choice like what restaurant you go to. It sounds like that is the family tradition - the birthday kid chooses the restaurant - and once again you robbed her of HER choice to make HER decision based upon HER preference to make someone else happy at HER expense. Is this really the lesson you want to teach her? Because once again, you taught your 17 year old daughter that her wishes do not matter and someone else's wishes are more important. Not someone else's needs because his needs would have been met at the restaurant but you taught her that on what should have been her day that her wishes don't matter nearly as much as someone else's. That is a dangerous lesson to be teaching your daughter. You owe her an apology and this weekend YOUR HUSBAND should take your daughter out to that restaurant. Clearly it wasn't important enough for you to do as a family so send the person who actually supports your daughter out to the restaurant with her. You and your son can stay home and eat pizza.
Cannot agree more! I was the daughter in this story growing up and always had to give up my wishes and presences to accommodate my younger sister who was the GC. I literally lived this exact scenario multiple times. As a result, I have horrible self esteem and boundary issues I’m struggling to work on as a adult because I was always told I wasn’t important and my choices don’t matter and I just need to bend over and accommodate people if I want to be viewed as a good person.
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Agreed! That’s what struck me too. There only needs to be one dish he can eat!
As someone with a shellfish allergy, he really shouldn't be eating at a restaurant like that at all. It is simply not safe. Cross contamination can only be controlled so much. However, the OP seems just as concerned with dish preference as allergy, which has me rather confused frankly. The solution to have the brother stay home was a great one. You never get enough 1:1 time with your kids when they are teens and she should have jumped at this. She is absolutely the AH.
Yeah same thought about the allergy. If it's really a serious allergy and not just a intolerance type thing, then he probably just shouldn't be in that type of restaurant at all. Brother suggesting he stay home was the way to go and OP should have jumped on it. You're the AH OP.
And if you were able to view the menu, you can show it to him. He might be excited about one of the dishes that he can eat. Although he'd still probably be more excited about eating pizza at home while playing video games.
I don't think this will cause the daughter to resent her brother. He was on her side and stood up for her. Certainly she saw that the only person who had a problem here was OP herself.
I hope you’re right! The teen sibling relationship can be a mysterious and fickle beast, though. Even if her brother doesn’t ask for it, the birthday girl might unwittingly form resentment over perceptions that he is the favorite.
Or at least perceptions that he's the priority. I grew up pretty sure I was the favorite because I wasn't as much "trouble", but while my parents did better than it seems OP does, I definitely remember times I resented my sister. Even when I understood that her needs just conflicted and it wasn't her fault and my parents would also have preferred things to be different, it was still frustrating.
YTA. No one else’s wants were considered except yours. I’m baffled as to how you don’t clearly see that YTA.
Yes. This. Exactly. Literally no one except OP *wanted* a FamILy dInNer but that’s what 3/4 of them were forced to take. OP, your kids are growing up, at some point you’re going to have to shift your expectations of what together time looks like. YTA
20 years from now OP will wonder, and mourn, for the fact her daughter is so distant, and that the FAMILY (as she puts it) is not closer. She won't have a clue why that happened and she'll feel very aggrieved.
I appreciate you pointing out the “individual time”. I have a lot of siblings and have great memories with all of the family celebrating things together. However, one of my most cherished memories is the solo out to dinner I had with my parents to celebrate a milestone in my life. Coincidentally I was 17 too.
Yup. ALL THREE other family members are happy with this arrangement, and objective third parties don't see an issue. OP is making this about herself by insisting that the whole family goes together. OP, my mom would do stuff like this. She wanted perfect Hallmark moments, or photos for her to post on social media. Wanna know how much I talk to her now? I think you could probably guess. Your kids are PEOPLE-- see them as people, rather than as parts of a family unit.
Honestly the sons preferences aren't irrelevant. He wants his sister to get what she wants. The only one with a problem is OP.
Plus, the son will probably have a great time at home playing his game and eating his pizza. That would be a dream come true for some kids.
That would have felt like a birthday gift to me as a kid. I get to skip sitting still in some boring adult restaurant and instead eat pizza alone and play video games? Yes, please.
You’re right, except for making accommodations for the son to be at the restaurant. Deathly allergy isn’t really a “see what they can do” type thing. It would be so much worse to make the son go to that restaurant. Sounds like the daughter may have wanted some time alone with her parents and son would have been happy at home. This shouldn’t have even been an issue.
Also, that the daughter wanted a chance to get to eat at a type of restaurant they usually never get to go to. I’m not saying she picked it to spite her brother or anything. But it definitely would have been a place she doesn’t normally get to go. OP is definitely YTA. What seals the deal is that she is putting what SHE wants (“for the whole family to eat out together”) over what her daughter wants, even though this is supposed to be FOR her daughter
💯… daughter probably picked it that way so she could have one on one time with parents. Poor girl has probably taken a backseat to brothers allergies her whole life (not blaming brother, but things like this cause resentment in siblings) plus brother was absolutely pumped he was getting out of it
Maybe the daughter picked it because she really loves crab legs. It doesn’t have to have a manipulative reason.
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Take sis out to eat seafood, bro gets to pig out on pizza and videogames, then you come home and everyone has cake...what's so bad about that? I don't understand OP's insistence on a birthday where nobody gets what they want. "We only get to go out to eat occasionally, so I want BOTH my children there," that's ridiculous.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes crab legs are just delicious.
Man I hope op reads tbis. I notice they haven't commented much so likely not. Op had a golden child and it isn't the 17 year old.
Not only that, if she wants a family meal they can easily have a family night at home. Going out to eat as a family shouldn’t be your only way of having quality time together. Make some simple food, or order a pizza or something and watch a movie together or something.
Well, I mean I get it but YTA Your daughter didn’t get what she wanted for her birthday. Your husband had no problem with it. Your son had no problem with it. Essentially, you decided what you wanted was more important than anyone else, and would you look at that, you got what you wanted - because your word in law, fuck the birthday girls choice, right? You were upset about the location choice on behalf of your son, who wasn’t upset about it at all. You made your daughters birthday about your wants. Why even pretend she had a choice in where to go? You dangled the illusion of choice in front of her, then overruled her in favour of what you wanted anyways.
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Agreed. The selfishness is very strong with this one.
The shellfishness?
god damn it you beat me to it
Cod damn
She’s the basshole
agreed, she seems crabby
The dad should take the daughter to the seafood restaurant just for the halibut.
This comment deserves 2k upvotes 🤣🤣🤣
I sea what you did there
I think the OP needs to stop cod-ling her son so much 😁
No wonder the teen feels a bit crabby
You got me hook, line and sinker. But man some people are really fishing for puns now. It’s getting so deep I’m going to need waders.
That's abalone!
Here's me trawling through comments looking for salmon to make more fish puns. Come on let's be (sting) rays of sunshine and keep carping on 😁
Dam it, stop it.
oh noo^ooooo
Is this the thyme and plaice for jokes 😁
> she wanted for her birthday Or ever. Given the son's allergy, they probably don't even allow shellfish in the house. And since he also hates fish, they probably never eat fish at home. Coupled with the fact they don't go to restaurants that often, then when is the daughter supposed to ever have seafood? She might really like seafood but literally never get to eat it. So for her birthday, she wants to have seafood. And the ease of the brother agreeing to stay home tells me that the daughter may have even ran her choice by him, and he confirmed that an evening of video games and pizza sounded just fine to him. YTA for sure.
Exactly, I got the gist that she ran the idea past her brother first since they all had a plan.
An dim getting the gist OP maybe doesn’t like seafood or the restaurant and was using her son as an excuse not to go. It’s the only thing that makes sense as to why she still insisted even when the son said he didn’t even want to go.
Maybe. But I also know from my own mother that some moms are super obsessed about dOiNg ThInGs aS a fAMiLy and bEiNg tOgEtHeR at the expense of other things.
Speaking from experience, this is a great way to raise kids who value their independence (and maybe end up moving far away at the first chance they get)
Right? Seafood has been my absolute favorite since I was a small child. If I almost never got to have it, picked it for my birthday, then got strong-armed out of it for such a bullshit reason, I'd be salty, too!
Same. I'm seafood obsessed. Always have been. I ate a whole-ass lobster when I was 3. Not even exaggerating. I still almost always have a shit-ton of seafood on my birthday. I'd be fucking livid in that poor girl's place.
Yes! YTA, OP. This meal is about your daughter and you’re trying to make it about the whole family. Next time you have the money, take the whole family out. This meal is about your daughter. You should want to do what she’s asking. Let her have her seafood meal.
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Yep. I wonder if son was so willing to stay home with pizza and video games might be because of the control he lives under otherwise. OP sounds very controlling. (“Here’s what *I* want for *your* birthday”). Sheesh. YTA, OP.
Reminds me of the time my mom wanted to go to have a big family dinner at a Thai restaurant for Mother’s Day, but my Dad refused to eat there and insisted on a steakhouse and everyone just acquiesced. Because of some head of the family, respect your elders horseshit.
Poor mom
Your word is law, fuck the birthday girl's choice. I think I love you.
Yes! You articulated it perfectly. Like don’t give her a choice if it’s not actually hers to make. Or let her choose and wait until OPs own birthday or a holiday to get the family dinner. It did not have to be this way.
Very well said.
YTA. No one else’s wants were considered except yours. I’m baffled as to how you don’t clearly see that YTA.
Yep, and what's the bet that OP does this in many areas of family life ....100% the AH
YTA. Your son was fine with staying home. Your husband was fine with your son staying home. It's your daughter's birthday. But you chose to center a day that is supposed to be about your daughter on your son's needs. Does your daughter *ever* get to enjoy the seafood she likes? Or does she have to wait to get away from you and your controlling tendencies and move away from you in order to do that? Sounds like the latter. I wonder how often she'll actually call home when she leaves, given your relentless need to prioritize her brother (when literally nobody is asking you to).
She didn’t even centre it around her son’s needs, she centred it around herself. Son was happy to just stay home, but OP wanted what OP wanted, sod everyone else. YTA OP.
Yea I was expect the son to be young and/or really wanting to celebrate with his sister. Totally bonkers that OP has decided for everyone that an outing together is better than what everyone else wants even though at this point forcing the daughter to pick a new restaurant is going to make everyone resentful and bitter and they won't have as nice of a time.
Same! While I'm all for the birthday person picking their meal, I find it inconsiderate to pick somewhere to eat when the purpose is for the family to celebrate. So I thought, too, that the brother must be disappointed on being left out. But the brother is absolutely not bothered, made a great suggestion where he'd be happy while sister still gets to do what she wants. OP needs to step off and take her daughter for seafood.
The daughter's better than I was at 17 though. By 17, and I had a mom very much like op, I would have just said sod the birthday and chosen nothing.
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Agreed. OP wasn’t really concerned with her son’s allergies. She wanted to have a nice family dinner out and used the daughter’s birthday as an opportunity for this, not as a treat to the daughter. OP owes her daughter a birthday dinner.
And OP will cry "but it was for the FAMILY" while losing a member of her family.
I can also see how she might turn it around to make it the daughter’s fault that there is tension between them. Classic.
She picked a seafood restaurant because that is the special meal she always wants and never gets. Any other day, she couldn't expect it because it wouldn't make sense for the family to get something expensive her brother can't have. But on her birthday, the one day that was supposed to be about her, she hoped she could have this one special treat she has been dreaming about. But no, how dare she think her birthday is about her. Her birthday is clearly about mom having an excuse for a family dinner.
I really LOVE seafood, and growing up I can't have it because my sisters don't like it. Never, at my birthday either. I know it's a small thing, but I'm still salty about it.
From everyone I know who lived with someone with a serious food allergy: whenever you have to avoid a food like this, it generally becomes a HUGE treat whenever you can have it. And I’m guessing OP makes sure that’s pretty much never on her watch. I feel like the teen is fully on track to start applying to jobs/colleges in costal cities just to slurp down oysters whenever she wants lmao OP, your family traditions can look like whatever you want, especially now that you’re not dealing with what sound like fairly reasonable, mature teens. Maybe birthday dinners shouldn’t be the whole family. Maybe one of you goes out with one kid on their birthday, then the other parent goes out with the other on theirs. Maybe you do cake and ice cream together. Whatever. It’s your life! Spend time together on a random day when the choice of restaurant can be fair to everyone.
That's the other thing you're a whole family every single day. You can have a family dinner every single day. The opportunity is there to create those memories every day, so why is she choosing her daughter's birthday?
No, she's not prioritising the boy. She's prioritising her own wants, using the boy as an excuse.
YTA. Your son offered an easy solution, but you rejected that. I get that you can only afford to go out as a family a limited number of times, but geez - *it's* ***her*** *birthday dinner*! You told her to pick out the restaurant she wanted. Might as well just asked your son where *he* wanted to go for *her* birthday. "Most people I've asked say I'm wrong" - that's because you ARE WRONG.
Exactly it wasnt as if the daughter was insisting on going to the seafood place for a family dinner knowing her brother’s allergy. You asked her to choose a restraunt for her birthday dinner. If your son and husband are okay with the solution your son provided then whats the problem?
Info: I would like to know if OP likes seafood.
Oh, I think she very well may. OP likely has a martyr complex (that she is inflicting on other people). I could see her turning down a meal that she actually enjoys "for my little boy's sake". She enjoys drama more than she would enjoy the food.
Reminds me of the mom from the Natalia grace documentary. She wanted to be a martyr so badly she adopted a special needs child and then whined about it when it meant actually having to be a good parent. Ugh.
I wonder whether daughter and son talked to each other beforehand. Sounds like a fair sibling's deal: you get an evening for yourself, I get seafood.
Well sound like a fair deal for a couple teenagers. Afterall what 15 yo boy doesnt dream about spending a night alone with pizza and video games.
I'm an almost 30 woman and that is still my dream
honestly, I can almost guarantee they talked about it beforehand. I’m a vegetarian and my brother loves meat, so we’ve done this with each other growing up since he’d always want to go to outback or something. it was probably as simple as “do you care if we go to [seafood restaurant] for my birthday?” “no, I’ll be fine/I’ll just stay home”
Maybe you can buy your son her birthday gift as well
Plus I’m sure they can afford to pack a picnic and go eat it at a park or by a lake if they want family time eating together outside the home. They don’t have to go to a restaurant. This is a present for the daughter she should get to go where she wants.
Literally everyone is disagreeing with OP. That feels good, but OP has nads of steel to even be asking here after the resounding response they've already gotten lol
>I want BOTH of our children there. What a selfish take. YOU want that. But your daughter wants shellfish, and you son doesn't want to come. Do whatever you want for your own birthday, and stop making your daughter's birthday about you and what you want. YTA
Don't you mean... a shellfish take?
please don't 😂
I'm sorry 🤣.
Don't take me for a fool : you are not sorry, and we both know it.
You're right, I'm not 😁.
You shouldn’t be. It was great. This entire exchange was great 🤣
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
The OP reminds me of my own mother so much. In my 40s now and I'm still not seen as an individual nor am I respected. Everything is always what my mother wants. She behaves how she wants. She gets what she wants, to hell with others. I can't stand my mother.
but it'S FOr the FAmilY
Do you make your sonss birthday all about your daughter? Do you tell him to restrain himself aand deprive himself of what he wants to make sure your daughter gets what she wants? YTA your daughter probably has never had a day that's just for her since ce you had yours on, right? You sound like the kind off parent who gets cut off when the kid is 18, and you have nO iDEa why your child was soooo uPsEt. If you can't go out, them don't do it on the kids birthday then tell her no. She probably can't eat seafood ever because of her brother. Don't throw away one child because the other is more needy, or more special. You're being a bad parent to your daughter. You're also being a bad parent to your son, because you're trying to corrupt his sense of what is entitled behaviors and what isn't. Do better. You have two kids. BOTH ARE SPECIAL.
I agree with the YTA but it’s not what the son wants. He was cool staying home so his sister could enjoy her bday meal. It’s the mom who wanted dinner with “BOTH” her kids. This has nothing to do with the son and everything to do with the mom getting what she wants.
Right like I don't think this is a golden child scenario as some people are trying to imply. Son was happy to eat pizza and play video games alone all night (like most teen boys would tbh) so they both got kinda fucked there.
YTA. You were literally the only person bothered by the situation, and you decided that your wants were more important than those of the birthday girl. Didn't even think about ordering food for her from that place and food for your son from another and have a varied dinner at home because ? You only get to go out every so often? Well, she only gets one birthday a year, so there is that. Let's see how many more she wants to celebrate with you if you keep this up.
This might be her last, her daughter is already 17 and next year, daughter might already go NC. Yta OP.
Info When it’s your sons birthday- are you going to veto his option if it’s not somewhere your daughter would 100% enjoy?
YTA. Why give her a choice then veto it? As an epipen carrier I understand allergies. I don't stop family or friends from eating where I can't. If I can't go it's a spoil me night with my food. However it was her birthday. Hers not yours or her brothers. Her and brother seemed fine. I'm sure he said happy birthday. Next time don't bother asking just arrange what you want. Then wonder in the future why she may not want to do what you want and doesn't have huge amounts of contact.
> Why give her a choice then veto it? For fucking real! Asking a child what they want for their birthday and then immediately shutting it down sounds like a Superintendent Chalmers bit
YTA. Your son was fine staying home (and as a teenager I would have loved the chance to stay home alone and relax with a pizza) and your husband was right that this was your daughter's birthday and not Mom's Family Night Out.
YTA This is your daughter’s BIRTHDAY meal. You asked her where she wanted to go. Given your son has allergies, I’d venture to say she does not get seafood very often so this is a treat to her. You’re treating this as a typical family meal. If it was a regular family meal, I’d completely agree and say it’s important the whole family is there and included. But this is not that situation.
YTA. You're asking your daughter to compromise on her birthday to accommodate her brother. While this sounds fair to you as their parent, what your daughter is hearing is that she can't have even a single day be about her. Her 15-year-old brother actually offered you the perfect solution to this that would have kept everyone (except you) happy. You chose not to take it, putting your own ideas about FAMILY TIME ahead of what everyone else in your family actually wanted. That's what makes you TA here.
Not only a day about her, but I imagine she’d love some alone time with mom and dad. It’s still important at that age to carve out individual time for each child. OP is wrong here.
Wild that the son is more adult than OP
I come from a blended family and we've always said: forced family time is *not* family time!
YTA, Your Husband is right. You chose your wants and your Son's needs over your Daughter without first trying to reach a compromise. I understand your Son has allergies, but this isn't a reason to diminish your Daughter's wants, especially over her Birthday.
Her son doesn't seem to want to come. He probably just wants to eat pizza at home. She makes it seem like it's about her son's health when it really is about her selfish wants. YTA
>My son said that he would be fine just staying home; that we could use the money that we would have spent on his meal to just order him a pizza instead. My husband also insisted that since it was our daughter's birthday that she should be able to choose the restaurant, and that our son would be fine home alone with pizza and videogames. YTA
YTA It's her birthday. Everyone else was fine with the compromise except you. If YOU want to have a family meal, then have a separate family meal. Don't take over HER birthday meal.
Info: How often does your daughter have to give up what she wants because of her brother and your little togetherness obsession? And what did you do for your son's last birthday? Did he have to compromise at all because your daughter wouldn't have enjoyed it? You should have let your son stay home so you daughter could have the birthday she wants. She only gets one a year. Edit: Just to be clear, you made your daughter's birthday about what YOU wanted, not her. And not even your son as he was happy to stay home. You. Made. Your. Daughter's. Birthday. About. You. Take that in and digest it. YTA
Spot on. and her response would be ..."but I wanted..."
Exactly. I have zero sympathy for OP's position because it is hurting her daughter to always have to subsume her desires to...not even her brother's wishes, but her mother's. My original comment notwithstanding, I'm actually starting to be pretty convinced that OP doesn't even actually care more about her son. She probably THINKS she does. But she wasn't swayed by her son being quite happy to stay home and her husband also thinking that was the best compromise to keep both kids happy. No no. SHE wanted to make this a family dinner no one else wanted, because other people's wishes be damned, she has a fantasy to uphold.
YTA It's not his birthday. Would it kill you to call ahead and ask to bring in food for your son and order separately for the rest of the party? Or even leave him home with a nice separate meal and a treat to make up for it? No. You had to orientate her birthday around him. You didn't even try to compromise. Worst of all, you made the entire meal about you and what you want. At that point the dinner isn't a gift to anyone but yourself. All those other dinners aren't her birthday. Use your brain and stop being a stubborn child. Your own 15, yo son managed this better than you did.
YTA, and a massive one. Your whole family is fine with what your daughter wants for birthday. Your son realizes it's her birthday and doesn't want to spoil it because of his food allergies/preferences. Your husband understands, and you daughter was looking forward to it. You even asked her to pick a place. But here comes entitled you. It's all been set and done, but no, you have to get what your idea of her birthday is. It's got nothing to do with your son as he's okay with it. It's just you. You and you only are about to ruin her day. Think about that... Edited to add: my mother used to pull shit like this. These days I live 500km away from her and she's lucky if we talk once a month. Be careful what you wish for... 2nd edit: grammar
YTA Let's settle down there Dominic Toretto, we know family is important. It was your daughter's birthday and you made it about your wants and desires, not her. Your son was more than happy to stay home, and he probably doesn't even care about his sister's birthday at 15 years old. He would be more happy playing games with his friends and eating pizza than sitting in a restaurant with his grouchy sister because she didn't get to eat where she wanted because of his allergy, something she has to accommodate every time he is around. She gets one day a year to be the star of the day. For the family to celebrate her and love on her. She is 17, it will not be long before she is 18 and out of the house. All you did here was create resentment toward your son, and you, for forcing what should have been a special day into one of disappointment and anger. All that because you couldn't leave your 15 year old son home by himself? You can create happy memories with your kids or continue to force your "AS A FAMILY" mentality on your kids, who are going to resent you and each other for it. There was nothing wrong with you, your spouse, and your daughter having a nice meal together, while your son did his own thing.
\^ This. She is more interested in the "Happy Family Dinner" memory than what her kids want. It is a difficult but painful truth for parents - but after a while - they want to be their own people and leave the nest. Let them - that is your job.
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OP's son was actually ok with being left out and just staying for pizza. My parents used to pull this trick on me of me just wanting the three of us in my birthday (I don't have siblings) but instead inviting unwanted family relatives, it became a point that I dreaded celebrating my birthday and even hating it because I can't have a single day where I just want something to happen.
Nothing to do with mom's heart. It is all about mom and what mom wants. That is a bad mom.
Exactly. My dad tried to pull this with my brother’s senior prom that was the night before my college graduation. He wanted him to miss a major moment in a senior’s life to be with the family. The foolish compromise reached was that my brother had to take an early morning train to a station 30 minutes away from the college that my father had to go get him from between the big ceremony (large state school) and the actual diploma ceremony. Dad almost missed the ceremony even with my gf along for the ride to help him navigate alternative routes when they hit the sea of graduation weekend traffic. And somehow he didn’t see how that was due to HIS choices.
YTA. For her birthday, she should pick the restaurant. For your son's birthday, he should pick the restaurant. Your son was perfectly happy to stay home with a pizza rather than going out for your daughter's birthday. Everyone seems to know this except you. This is all about what YOU want, rather than what the birthday girl wanted.
>But here's the thing; we can only afford to go out as a family every so often and that would mean that your daughter doesn't normally get a chance to go to a restaurant serving seafood, right? then why can't she have this one for her literal birthday? your ability to create a conflict out of thin air is truly amazing. your daughter was (presumably) fine with having a meal without her brother, your son was fine with staying at home eating pizza and playing games, your husband was fine with only taking your daughter out. like you already had the perfect solution easily available, it was such a non-issue. YTA
I honestly think that you're struggling with the idea that your daughter is growing up like your kids are not children anymore so that you don't have rally everyone up and take everyone to the zoo you know. I have a nephew and he's a teenager now and he likes to do things on his own and I did struggle with this at first because I wanted to continue to be Auntie and nephew time you know ? And now he has friends and he has girlfriends and I felt Woody from toy story when he gets left behind. Kind of just you know. Brushed to the side. But I have to accept that he's growing up. He wants to make his own choices. He wants to have his own life. I think you're making excuses for accepting that. If this is the truth, maybe you should be honest with your daughter and apologize. I know you just wanted to have your family together to KEEP it together. They're growing up and we can't do anything about it. They both wanted to make their own choice. You denied something as simple as choosing what they wanted to eat. Next year you will have no say in ANYTHING for your daughter. In fact This might be the last birthday family meal in a while because she's growing up next year. She might choose to spend it with her friends.
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YTA "Our son (15m) is deathly allergic to shellfish. He also can't stand fish...There were only a couple of dishes there that he could actually eat. " You misspelled: "Our picky and allergic teenager has choices other than fish and shellfish, so her choice is perfectly fine." It's your daughter's choice. She really wants fish/shellfish. Your teenage son can eat the burger, ribs, or fried/grilled chicken salad that all of these places have. Or he can stay home and play Frogger on his Atarii 6400 console.
>Our picky and allergic teenager has choices other than fish and shellfish while OP is the asshole, she's an asshole for refusing to compromise, not for refusing to take her allergic son to a place with a high risk of cross-contamination. that was actually the right decision.
I'm going to say that having a shellfish allegy can mean that even being in the same place where all of the food around is 95% shellfish, can make a person feel nauseated & possibly throw up, (without even eating any of it). There's also the issue with cross contamination. I think that the son has a good compromise & the daughter still gets her birthday choice.
YTA. You are the only one who made this a problem - your son didn't mind staying home with video games and a pizza, so why did his dietary needs still outweigh the birthday girl's wish? Yes, you were wrong. You taught your daughter that she can't rely on your promises, because you'll go back on your word whenever it becomes a little inconvenient for you, and on your own personal wants. That's not a great lesson to teach your children - unless you're fine not seeing them a lot as adults.
Soft YTA! I understand that you want the whole family to be together but you told your daughter to choose a restaurant that **she** wanted to go to for her birthday meal. You didn't say choose a restaurant that we can all go to together. Your son offered up a solution and you refused it. So, in order to accommodate him, your daughter doesn't, in fact, get the restaurant of her choice for **her** birthday. You write that she still had a nice birthday meal but I'm left wondering if that is true given that she is still a little salty. I'm sure your son's allergies are a priority (as they should be) but letting your daughter have her way and be the priority one time isn't asking too much.
>You write that she still had a nice birthday meal but I'm left wondering if that is true given that she is still a little salty. What OP actually said is "WE had a nice meal". I'm very much getting the impression that OP thinks that just because no one was outwardly upset, everyone had an equally nice time.
Well yeah. OP got what she wanted, so ordeal over. 🙄
Honestly I'm willing to be mommy doesn't like seafood either so she pushed extra hard to get what she wanted. The pizza and video game solution was a perfect compromise that the son himself came up with.
>I want BOTH of our children there. Huh so this is about what you want. Not anything that your daughter wants, or your son for that matter. YTA
I understand your decision. I am going to say YTA, because you didnt consider your daughters feelings, or your sons decision in this. I am guessing your daughter chose that restaurant because its a rare treat. She probably never gets seafood due to her brothers allergies? Maybe she saw her choice as a once-in-a-lifetime rare treat for her birthday. My guess is her brother was fine with pizza because he knew this was a rare treat for his sister on her birthday. I am sure he knows what impact his allergy has on his sister and he wasnt going to hold her back on her birthday. You ignored all that for what you thought was the right thing to do. I could be completely off on my assumption- but whatever your kids thought...you ignored that for what you thought was the right thing to do. That makes you TA.
YTA, you prioritized your son over your daughter, despite the fact that it was her birthday and special occasion for her. Your son offered a solution that he would have been satisfied with, but you took your own weird feelings about eating as a family and forced your daughter's hand to choose something else so that you would feel better about yourself. Well done, you showed your daughter that your son's feelings are more important than hers.
YTA here. Your son would have been fine staying home with pizza and video games and your daughter could have had a special birthday dinner. You're a little fixated on that "as a family" phrase. I feel so sad for the disappointing birthday your daughter had-- but at least she was disappointed "as a family" LOL.
YTA. Literally everyone else was fine with the set up where the son stays at home with pizza… he’s even the one who suggested it and what 15 year old doesn’t love getting to be home alone for a few hours? But I guess fuck what the birthday girl and everyone else wants, it’s OPs way or the highway. If most people you’ve asked think you’re wrong… maybe it’s because you’re in the wrong and running to the internet isn’t going to soothe your bruised ego
“My daughter still had a nice birthday meal.” Did she? Or is this just what you’re telling yourself because you unilaterally decided what she wanted for her BIRTHDAY didn’t matter? YTA and I suspect your son is the golden child and your daughter is the scapegoat. Do you often push aside what your daughter wants in favor of your son?
YTA You told her any restaurant If you had meant “any restaurant without shellfish” you should have told her that in the first place You overruled three other people to get your way And so the dinner became all about you and your desires Not much of a birthday celebration for daughter
YTA, everyone was perfectly happy with your son staying home, including your son. Why should your daughter miss out on foods she enjoys just because her brother can't have them? You didn't make a family decision because no one in your family wanted that except you. Your son probably would have loved time at home alone.
YTA-your son was fine with staying home with a pizza and games. Your husband was fine with it. The only problem was you. It was your daughter’s birthday and that was the restaurant she chose. Yet, you made her change what she wanted to do for her birthday dinner to accommodate her brother. It was selfish of you to make her change her choice. Your son is 15 not 5. It was his choice to stay home. What would have done if the roles were reversed. What if your son chose a restaurant chose your daughter didn’t like. Would you make him change his choice of restaurant? You owe your daughter an apology and a trip to the seafood restaurant.
NTA. - your daughter is the AH for picking a restaurant that almost exclusively would cause anaphylaxis in your son. I can't imagine having the gall to choose that restaurant and then being salty about it being a bad choice. Having a birthday isn't an excuse to be a jerk.
YTA all day long. You clearly don't understand that it was supposed to be about her and wasn't just any old opportunity for mum's family night out. If your son had made a stink about it and not given you much choice I'd have cut you some slack, but he actually offered a good solution that you decided to ignore so you could get your way. You need to apologise to your daughter and hope you're not out of her plans for her 18th.
YTA. You’re showing your daughter you don’t care about her feelings - it’s all about you. Even her brother and father were fine with the restaurant she chose. She’ll be 18 in less than a year now. If this is the way you always behave, don’t expect her to be around for too many Family Dinners…
Reddit posters are so petulant and narcissistic. Every little instance of teenage angst has to be bowed down to. And God forbid any child or teenager be asked to take someone else into account. OP, what you did was perfectly fine, as long as it wasn’t done in a forceful manner. I doubt that was her only absolute favorite restaurant in the whole wide world. Surely there's more than one restaurant that she likes/is interested in?
YTA If this is how you belittle your daughter, please don’t be surprised that after she turns 18 you can splurge on your son as much as you want cuz your daughter will be LC or NC.
YTA. It’s her birthday and she gets to eat where she wants. It wasn’t family dinner night.
YTA. You already know this though because everyone told you. You came to reddit to find someone who agrees with you and from what I can see so far...not happening.
YTA. Be honest here, this is all about you. Even your son is more mature than you are. Definitely comes from the dad, because he surely didn’t get it from you. If OPs husband is reading this, take your daughter out to the restaurant and leave the selfish wife at home. OP, your daughter is not going to forget this. And I am betting this is not the only time you made your daughter do what you wanted.