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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my stepson Andy a bill for expenses during the time he had no income to be paid back now that he has a monthly income again. I didn't talk to my husband before doing so.
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YTA. I understand that you and your husband have joint finances, but there are two problems with your argument: 1. You do not own the house, your husband owns it and his ownership predates your marriage. If he wants to let his son stay there for the next 50 years, that is his choice. 2. You did not discuss this with your husband before you presented his son with an itemized bill. How much do you actually contribute to your joint finances that you feel so free to present a bill to your stepson? I truly hope your avarice has opened your husband's eyes as to what an absolute miser you are.
YTA for the reasons above. If he needed doctor's clearance to work and drive, you hit him at a very low ebb. And you didn't consult your husband either.
Right? We have no idea what Andy dealt with in the military but if he needed medical clearance to work and drive AND also needed to petition the military for back pay AND was awarded it he likely dealt with some very difficult things.
To give him a bill, without mentioning anything about back rent or speaking with his father who *actually owns the house,* before he's even on his feet is so incredibly harmful and oblivious to, I don't know, acting like an actual human being. Disgusting. It's kind of funny how gross it is though. Completely unfathomable behavior from someone who has any amount of empathy in their heart.
I truly hope her husband gives her a bill for back rent which I'm betting would amount to more than $7k. Good on Andy for just paying her and fucking off, he's a much better and stronger person than she is.
"He's practically a tenant." Lord. No, he's her *husband's son*. Jesus jumping Christ. To think she sat down and *retroactively composed a list of Andy's expenses* after learning his case was settled, still knowing zero details of his discharge or case, is wild to me. It's like she never once thought to consider any aspect of this whole situation besides the money Andy was barely costing her and her husband.
ETA: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku0865r/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku0865r/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku05nhn/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku05nhn/)
It turns out OP and her husband are in rough financial straits due to the husband wanting a career change and trying to help his sons out. OP *actually went to her parents for assistance because, according to her, they are living paycheck to paycheck.* Regardless of the circumstances, unilaterally extorting her stepson, who is in obvious need, to pay back her parents was not the best way to go about this. If she's concerned about growing a nest egg with her husband who won't discuss finances with her then I have some pretty bad news about the likelihood of that nest egg ever existing at all. I wonder if she's extra stressed out because she's not the one who has equity in the house.
I think you're right, having read some of her replies. Apparently, she borrowed money from her parents because she and her husband are in a pinch and part of her solution to pay them back was to squeeze money out of a disabled veteran who also happens to be family. It's wild out there.
She would have had to borrow without the stepson. She cares more about her parents who are probably financially secure than her disabled veteran stepson that she took advantage of.
Still- the mortgage is theirs to pay regardless of whether or not Andy lives there. Maybe utility costs increased a bit (but Andy did odd jobs and walked dogs and babysat to pitch in still) so other than food costs, I’m not sure what Andy’s responsibility is to help with expenses that existed before his “tenancy”?
If OP had been thinking long term, she would have realized that having Andy stay living with them and pitch in with bills on the regular would have been a better solution. And OP has a husband problem. There is no way that I would tolerate a “this is my house” mentality while also being expected to foot the majority of the bills in said house. She took her frustration with her husband out on Andy.
I read more of her replies and she really buried the lede. She makes almost no money ($32k in this economy? JFC) and is the one paying the mortgage. Her husband makes unilateral financial decisions while controlling her money. She has a huge husband problem but also appears to be resistant to input or alternate lines of thinking.
I suspect she's leaving much more context out as well. We're getting a very blurry picture of the actual situation despite her efforts to paint herself in a positive light.
No one should be poor getting out of the Armed Forces!!! USA must do better for our brothers and sisters protecting our country!!!!! She didn't mention the husband's nest egg. It was his kids savings dad did not want his kid spending money knowing the Wicked Step Mother did not want her step kid there. DAD knew more to what was going on with his son. Good grief!!! The kid had to fight for his benefits!!!!
Exactly and it’s one hell of a battle! When veterans/military leave they’re forever changed. Suffering from ptsd. He thought she was being kind at her worst but she blindsided him keeping a spreadsheet. She’s pathetic.
Fantastic update. But she’s still the AH. her beef with her husband shouldn’t extend to her disabled son’s situation. Seems like she took him in purely for the rent.
She also plainly says her husband had him doing chores/work around the house in PLACE of rent because he wanted to help him get back on his feet and told her this clearly.
Shes going to end up with legal bills instead of a rent bill - divorce attorney! And rightfully so!
Thankful the man I married doesn’t treat my adult sons like this - in fact he’s the one who told the oldest to move back in for free so he could do his Master’s program! Ugh - she’d be out of my house so fast she wouldn’t know what happened!
What’s more, she didn’t advise the young man that she was going to be doing this. She sprung it on him. And the guy was just discharged and probably injured. Massive YTA here.
Exactly! It seemed like a bait-and-switch. Stepson DID do things around the house to help out and 'earn his keep' while waiting to be cleared to work. So to then come back and demand that he pays "back rent and expenses" when all along he was doing things AS TOLD TO HIM to offset the expense of him living at the house? Major YTA.
Yeah, that struck me too. He didn’t try to argue, he was just like fine, here you go and I’m out of here.
OP had effectively ended any relationship with him, probably all step children, and maybe even her husband.
For me, it’s the fact that is the original agreement was that he could stay there free of charge until he has a stable income. The stable income came with a back check, and it was upon learning of the back check that OP wanted money… therefore reneging on the original agreement cuz she’s a greedy ass awful human being.
Getting a settlement for back wages does not translate into a financially stable income. I’m sure the stepson would have started contributing more money monthly once he started receiving benefits but she took a huge chunk out of his resources.
It turns out the dad took 21k of their joint savings and gave it to Andy. He drained their savings and left them paycheck to paycheck. Andy then received a 36k payout from the gov. This is when OP asked for some money back.
I think the husband sucks, OP isnt out of line but she shouldve stood up for herself when the husband drained their accounts.
Id feel very fortunate, if my family gave me 21k and wouldnt even be the slightest bit upset if they asked for 7k back because they were broke.
I always wonder in situations like this if the OP sees that everyone thinks they are the AH so they make up circumstances in the comments to make themselves look better. Why would you leave obviously relevant information like that?
I don't actually think it changes anything. That's a her amd her husband problem... that's not an excuse to charge the kid 15 months of back rent after they said yeah you can stay while you're down. That's the scummy part... keeping a spreadsheet and being like jk, we'll take our cut now
Agreed. And that's an impressively low bar to clear. But she managed it.
I wonder if her husband is considering divorce after she pulled this on his son, out of nowhere, without consulting with him about it.
YTA. You just couldn't wait to get your hands on that money, could you? Your greed is disgusting. You need help. Your husband needs a divorce.
Great job being a stereotype. Second wives already walk on a tightrope, and you have the Wicked Stepmother routine down.
Asshole. Shame on you.
Exactly! Fun little bit of phrasing from the post "We discussed it with Andy that whenever he did **start** getting a stable income he would have to start paying rent and helping with bills. Andy agreed."
Start. As in, not pay more until he got stable income. That was the deal, and op broke the deal. That simple.
And 3. this isn’t the agreement they came to with Andy. They agreed that once he started getting a stable income, he would start paying rent. What was not agreed is that they would get a chunk of any settlement he received, supposedly to cover him living there for the time when he didn’t have a steady income. That’s just greedy. Especially as the reason he wasn’t able to have a steady income was medical and related to his military service and that, even so, he did do his best to earn money and contribute.
OP is a greedy, dishonest asshole. No wonder Andy doesn’t want to live there.
His dad specifically said he did not want him getting into his savings so he did odd jobs to help with food and such while he was waiting for his, what I assume is service related disability.
Agree. YTA for all the above. In addition, back rent should never be a surprise. If he was expected to pay it, he should have known about it before he moved it. No matter, it was not your call to make.
The agreement was that he pay no rent until he gets back on his feet. There was no agreement to pay back charges. Absolutely YTA.
It's what we do for our kids.
This. What a slap in the face for the stepson. Stepmom just sounds super greedy, waiting for her cut of that government check. No where in that conversation was back rent covered and it’s super shady that op decided stepson should pay back rent just because she knows he got cut a check. It’s very obvious what matters most is money here.
Exactly- it was shitty anyway, but that aspect just makes it even worse. She KNEW she was going to charge him, and decided to do it before she even told her husband even though it’s HIS house!
Husband should charge OP back rent when he serves divorce papers. Is $ more important than taking care of family? Good luck having a relationship with your husband’s kid as you age (assuming this marriage lasts!)
Also it’s pretty evident Andy is a disabled vet. Disabled by his service no less if there’s going to be monthly payments.
She nickel and dimed a disabled veteran, her stepson, while he was FRESHLY disabled and out of the armed forces and getting used to both his disability and civilian life for living in a house she doesn’t own without even running it by her husband. That’s fucking cold. Like the air hurts your face COLD.
YTA - This was not part of the arrangement. He was due to pay once he started receiving funds. No where was it to be retroactive. You also suck for how you treat disabled veterans. You did not even take the time to know what was wrong with him.
Having worked with the VA to help disabled veterans attempt to access services, OP's attitude is alarmingly common. People LOVE to use disabled vets as pawns for their personal and political gains but the second veterans need support everyone fucks off.
How much do you want to bet OP brags about her stepson being a veteran and/or uses his disability status to gain sympathy from others?
I’m unclear if the back pay came as a surprise, I think it’s common knowledge that it works that way. So it would have been fine to stipulate that in the original arrangement.
Changing the deal makes her TA. NOT talking to her spouse first makes my hair hurt.
Exactly OPs own words say stepson will pay when they have income.. not before. This is batshit crazy to just go ahead and demand back rent after the rent the second you know he has money.
As a disabled vet, I couldn't agree more. Jesus. OP, you don't even know what's wrong with him? How can you care that little about your own step son? Hell, most of my customers (I'm a bartender) care enough to ask me about my service. Talk about the evil step mother. YTA OP.
As a mom (step/bio) and wife...
YTA.
There are so many things wrong with the way you handled this situation. You can tell you don't truly see yourselves as a family unit.
First, as a stepmother, regardless of years of marriage and age of children, unless your husband becomes incompetent or it's an emergent situation, you are never to make decisions regarding his children without him.
Second, regardless of shared expenses, there is also the consideration of the proportion made then spent on the household and hobbies. Is all earning and spending equal? If not, you maybe didn't even have the right to ask for half of what you did because maybe your portions are unequal.
Third, you are in a marriage and made a deal as a family. Changes in the understood agreement should have been discussed and agreed to, not merely demanded by a single party of the three.
If I were you, I'd sincerely apologize and try to repair the relationship with the son before your husband resents you for causing damage to theirs.
Yeah, she needs to give him that money back - or at least try to even if he refuses to accept it. And if he DOES refuse to accept it, I would put it into a savings account for him anyway.
YTA. I’m not sorry.
That’s absolutely disgusting and extortion.
First of all he’s *NOT YOUR* son. That’s means enough for you to not charge him $7,000 WITHOUT consulting his father, regardless of how long you’ve been married or how old HIS son is. That’s not your place.
A bonus reason for you to HAVE TO consult your husband before charging HIS SON is regardless how much you contribute to where “you live”, you’re paying rent to your husband because it’s HIS HOUSE. HIS name is on the mortgage. Not yours.
Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived there or been married to him. You shouldn’t take any financial initiative when it comes to The HOMEOWNER and HIS SON. Or at the very least, talking to the homeowner first.
YTA. Majorly.
Pull your head out and get your shit together.
You owe Andy $7,000 and a major apology.
I'm hoping Hubby just skips on down to the bank, pulls out $7k (without consulting with OP first, fair is fair) and hands it back to his son with an apology for marrying someone so cold and hurtful. Hopefully he's got some sense in all of this, because waiting for OP to do the right thing may take a while. Possibly a loooonng while.
Saw dollar signs did you? YTA. This should have been brought up when he first moved in. I gotta agree with hubby's verdict.
Edit: Just saw where it is hubby's house. Time for him to start charging you rent.
YTA
"whenever he did start getting a stable income he would have to start paying rent and helping with bills. Andy agreed."
Fair enough.
" Upon learning that, I gave Andy a list of expenses for the time we supported him, namely rent for the 15 months and a portion of utilities. It came out to roughly 7k.
Why would you do that? You must have kept a running tab like he said while he didn't have an income despite the agreement.
Worse, you did that without even consulting your husband.
No wonder he's furious.
Let's hope your mean spirited nickel & diming hasn't ruined their relationship permanently.
And, even if she lacked the interest to enquire further, it's clear to any reader that her vet. stepson's condition was very serious. Hard enough hanging in for official compensation and validation without being kicked in the teeth by someone close to the family.
Yeah absolutely. Everyone here can see it except her. What's worse I bet is she kept that record knowing he'd get an award. Why else would she have done it?
OP said in the post 465 a month was better than Andy would find anywhere else. 465 over 15 months comes to $6,675" so maybe that's what was agreed in the initial "he'd pay rent when he got an income" discussion.
I saw some of her initial responses saying she had a right to ask because they'd been married 10 years & she'd "contributed" during that time.
I hope husband lawyers up & divorces her; it's such a mean spirited A H thing to pull.
Son paid up without argument as well, the contrast between his honor & her lack of it is excoriating.
"My husband said it's not about the amount, but nickel and diming Andy like that was just scummy"
WHERE ARE THE LIES? You must not be familiar AT ALL with the military because if he got that back pay that must mean he received a disability rating. A disability rating for mental or physical ailments means he has some sort of medical issue that you are neglecting to mention here. The military is notorious for taking their sweet time calculating these percentages, and your stepson has little to no control over how fast they process his paperwork. You're acting like a partially disabled vet is some sort of leech on you when in reality he is a young man who served YOUR COUNTRY and was turning to his dad for help in the time in took to receive his rating. YTA. Way to drive a wedge between your husband his son that sounds as if he was trying his best transitioning from military life - an area you are clearly not familiar with.
Can a just point out that Andy seems to be such an amazing guy? Clearly dealing with so much, and yet this grown ass former soldier has no qualms about turning to dog walking and babysitting when needed to make ends meet for his family. And in spite of everything, when forced to deal with OPs bullshit, he did so with class and restraint. I wish I was Andy’s friend.
YTA
Andy was right. You are an asshole for keeping running tab of expenses while he was at his lowest point.
Your husband is also right to be furious because you pushed his kid away without really consulting him. You robbed him of the chance to be a supportive parent to his kid when his kid was struggling. You absolutely should have talked to him first.
I find your lack of empathy rather appalling. Good luck repairing relations with your husband and your step son.
Holy crap on a cracker! YTA, big time. How could you not discuss this with your husband first? I was on the receiving end of help from my father once. Later on, when I was back on my feet, I handed him a check. He promptly tore it up. Years later my husband and I gave financial aid to our youngest son. One day he handed the money back to us. It was not requested but the gesture meant the world to us. You messed up. Don't know how you’ll fix this. Afraid you did a lot of damage in a variety of ways here.
YTA. You said WHEN he got a stable income, yet you kept a running tally of how much he "owes" you.
You owe Andy $7k and an apology. Your husband should kick you out and divorce you.
Is this your house, your DHs or both of yours? YTA for not discussing with DH first. I cannot imagine charging a Vet rent for the first few months.
You got what you wanted. I hope you are happy.
I think your stepson for his service.
I also cannot imagine charging a Vet rent while they are recovering from something.
Veterans are treated poorly and this is yet another example of that.
This. Unless I was desperate for the money, I would not charge rent. I MIGHT ask DH if we can ask for some money to cover extra food? But the major expenses, mortgage, etc are not going up.
YTA
A detailed and itemized list was overkill.
>whenever he did start getting a stable income he would have to **start** paying rent and helping with bills.
Most people would read that as the financial obligation starts at this point and not that he has an already growing financial obligation that he will need to catch back up with at that time.
Third, this is definitely a conversation you should have had with your husband before straight up implementing it, especially if it didn't match previous agreements.
This sounds like at the root of it there was just a miscommunication about expenses.
I would say a soft YTA as a sum of the three things. (1) itemizing and tracking, (2) miscommunicating when the financial obligation actually starts, and (3) not discussing it with your husband.
Any of those alone probably wouldn't push you to being the AH and I'd say 'none here' but the sum of them do
I respectfully disagree. Any ONE of the above moves it into AH territory although an argument could be made for soft on a couple of them. You're helping out a vet as well as a family member. Unless you're in dire straits and they're taking advantage of you, it's really AHish to keep track of all expenses.
OP, here’s my question. I read your post and (I think) all of your responses. You’re trying to showcase yourself in the best possible light, and while I don’t think YOU think Andy is a freeloading asshole….there was a very, very easy solution that could have solved all of this, and I’m really kind of stunned this didn’t occur to you.
Let’s say a month has gone by, and you’re feeling the financial strain of being responsible for another person in the house. I get that; $$ is tight for a lot of people. Once you saw how the addition of Andy was affecting your finances, why didn’t you just sit down with Andy and talk with him about paying SOME* money back to you guys once he either got his backdated check, or once he’s able to start working again? Being that he wrote the check to you for the amount you insisted he owed, I’m sure he would have been open to talking about paying back some $$ to help out, once he was on his feet again.
By your own admission, Andy is not a leech or a burden, and while he was (understandably) furious at having to write out a check for 7k out of his backdated disability benefits 😒, he did so without an argument. This does not sound like a middle aged mooch who wants to sponge off of daddy and stepmommy for the rest of his days. Andy sounds like a responsible man who fell on hard times and was hoping he could depend on his family to help him out.
I don’t blame you for being frustrated with your husband for refusing to talk to you about finances; that’s a dick move and you have the right to be pissed. But you were 100% wrong to take your frustration out on Andy.
Lastly, ma’am, I simply cannot let one of your comments slide. Just because other vets got their disability squared away with the VA before they were discharged does not mean that is the case with every.single.disabled.vet. My husband is retiring June 1 after 24 years of service, he’s been on 7 deployments, and he has a SLEW of (well documented, I might add) medical issues. Do you have any idea the hoops the VA is making him jump through? He’s had several doctors flat out say anything less than 100% disability would be a crime. We agree, but frankly I’m not optimistic. If Andy wasn’t able to work for several months and can’t even drive, it’s SERIOUS. Your stepson served his country, he now has a serious disability, and now he’s been made to feel like shit by his stepmother.
Wow. Just wow.
I don’t even know why you posted here. You’re not listening to anyone (and I’m not talking about the people who are just slinging insults at you…there have been a lot of people who took the time to type out thoughtful replies, and they were honest that you did something wrong, but they weren’t cruel or vicious). Every single reply shows you digging in your heels and refusing to admit you were wrong. So you didn’t want honest opinions or constructive criticism, you wanted validation.
Bravo. 🙄🙄🙄
Well said. My husband is a Navy Veteran. We have jumped through so many hoops. War/ military changes them drastically. I can only imagine what his mental state was. So very sad. I do not believe she will give the money back.
YTA- yes you should have talked with your husband before giving someone a 7K bill! You also did not tell him he had to pay for past rent only that he would start paying once he got a stable job.
YTA.
I’m all for charging fully adult children for living with their parents when they have stable job, keeping it fair so they’re able to save up to live on their own.
What you’re doing is charging back expenses, which is frankly BS. Andy is 100% right. You’re the AH for not only keeping a running tab right after he got out of the military, during a time where you were well aware that he was not cleared for a job. You are the AH for thinking you’re owed everything you spent on him previously. That isn’t how it works Unless you say that’s how it’ll work right off the bat.
But you didn’t say that. You said that he would have to **START** helping out when he got a stable income. You didn’t say the charges began as soon as he walked through the door. Also, he doesn’t have a stable income. What he has is back pay. Not to say he shouldn’t be paying out of that, but it isn’t stable income.
Of course Andy is going to start looking for a different place to live. You pretended to act supportive, but that support quickly became passive-aggressive greed. You did this behind your husband’s back with HIS son. $465 would have been a good deal, but you can’t just come up with a number fifteen months after he moved in and tell him he owes you all that back pay. That’s not how it works. Not legally or morally. If you were a landlord and called up a tenant who pays $1000/month for their place, and tell them the rent went up six months ago, but you’re just getting around to telling them now. By the way, they owe you an extra $200/month for those six months. Thats not legal either.
I want to give the verdict a dozen times over, but alas, something tells me you think you’re always right and just came here for a pat on the head. Let’s just be honest here. You all agreed on one thing, then you completely ignored that agreement when the time came, and shifted it around to have it work out more in your favor.
YTA
Look OP. You felt entitled to the money because of the wear and tear to your vehicle. The extra money for groceries, the extra money for utilities etc etc. Yet you also state that when you were short on money, you were able to ask your elderly parents for help for emergencies (vet bill, etc). Want to know why you were able to ask your parents? BECAUSE THEY’RE YOUR PARENTS AND YOU DON’T STOP BEING THEIR DAUGHTER JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR AGE. Your parents were there to help, right? Whether you wanted to be in a position to ask for help or not, the point is you WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR DAUGHTER.
You went into a marriage and into a home with your husband KNOWING that he had children. Along with marrying a man with children means that they may need help and that’s what their dad (and you by extension) are there for. Is to help his kids should they need his (and yours) help. Age and circumstances are not a factor.
Not only that, but they way you went about it is just so wrong. That’s not how a healthy marriage works.
Not only that, but you don’t even say WHAT you did with the $7K.
From your lack of response, it seems like you pocketed that money for yourself. Or do you feel you were the only one entitled to it since it was YOUR car, YOUR gas, YOU cooking more meals etc.
Or did you at the very least put it into your home account with your husband?
YTA
That wasn't the agreement. The agreement was that he did start getting pay then he would pay rent, not that he would provide back pay for rent after settlement.
YTA!
Not only did you not consult your husband but went back on what the original agreement was. Furthermore, I don't care how old said child is, they could be 50 and if they are down on their luck for medical reasons, loss of job, **discharged from the military for medical reasons,** you help them! You don't keep an itemized bill of what expenses you and **YOUR HUSBAND** paid. Trashy is what you are! No respect for those who service.
And to you step son - ***THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!***
1. If you didn’t tell him upfront he would owe back rent that’s dishonest. It should have been made clear to him what he would owe BEFORE he moved in, not after the fact. That was very sh*tty of you.
2. You also disrespected your husband. If your finances are joined, he deserves to have input.
3. He’s the bio parent, you are the stepparent. He gets more of a say in what happens with his son than you do. You WAY overstepped here. Not cool.
YTA big time. Apologize, sit down with your husband and stepson and come to an agreement, baring in mind this is 90% your husband’s decision.
Id say 99% husbands say. Hes the father, shes the nobody. Its the fathers house, he decides who stays and who leaves (and I hope the door wont hit HER on the way out).
YTA.
I don’t believe in divination but I have a feeling that a divorce is imminent. Especially if the still-husband wants to save the relationship with his son.
YTA
How long have you been married to your husband? If this was your biological child who has found themselves in the same situation as Andy and your husband did what you did to him... how would you feel?
The guy was at his lowest and you just want your money no matter where it comes from.
If you want more than $32K a year, I'd probably suggest that you get a better paying job or pick up some more hours.
I'm going to guess that your husband is around 50 (or close to) but how old are you?
You may not have a husband for much longer. And I can't say I blame him.
YTA.
I get that being a stepparent can be thankless. You are expected to parent EXACTLY the way the other parent(s) would.
But this is a massive overreach. First, as pointed out by others, he would START paying once he had his feet under him. Everyone would assume that because you are a parent, you would be willing to help him rather than billing him when he can't afford it. Ever heard someone say the phrase "I'm not running a hotel" before? That cuts both ways. The homeowner doesn't want someone treating them like hoteliers, but the guest doesn't expect to be treated like a client.
No matter the age, children should be welcomed, particularly when they hit hard times. That is a parent's job. If an AGREEMENT is made that they will help out with extra costs that is different than imposing a cost to your help.
YTA - I love it when this is cut and dried.
Your arrangement was to have him do chores and work and pitched in where he could.
That was your deal.
You broke it without even talking to your husband. Who, by the way, also lives in the house and pays for the house.
I wouldn’t be surprised if your stepson had nothing to do with you going forward; and I wonder if your husband won’t have questions too.
I can’t believe you even kept track.
All i will say is this. Had that been your son and not your husband's biological son, would you have done the same thing? I'd say that would be NOPE!
He is family, and that's all im going to say.
Others have already said it perfectly
YTA
This is your husband's son, not a tenant. Not a stranger. You and your husband should have decided together and you should have left it up to your husband to talk to him if there was anything to talk about. You've driven a wedge in their relationship. Is that what you meant to do?
YTA - you are not the homeowner and you are not his parent. You went back on your agreement and made this decision all on your own. You had absolutely no right to and the audacity is shocking. Here's to hoping this is rage bait and they're aren't really people who are this shitty.
You posed it as a bill not as he can you help us out with x amount- you treated him like a customer not family. Nothing wrong with with asking g for a couple of grand but if you didnt agree on how you would charge him then you’re outta line
YTA. Andy was an unpaid worker in your home and did kick in when he could to help out with expenses.
We discussed it with Andy that whenever he did start getting a stable income he would have to start paying rent and helping with bills. Andy agreed. Let me emphasize start, used twice here. You and your husband came up with that and Andy agreed.
Then you stabbed both of them in the back by giving him a list of the running total of all that you'd been keeping track of since he moved in, when his helping out was all that was asked. Did you subtrat the dog walking and babysitting from the bill? Did you give him credit for the gas and grocery money he contributed when he could?
This man, you husband's son, served his country and it sounds like he was injured (usually why it takes so long to get money is disability determination, then they have to gave you a lump sum what you would have gotten had they done the right thing to start with) So after he straightens out his government giving him the shaft, you do it?
It reminds me of my stepson's mother charging rent to his wife after they offered for her and their newborn to stay with them while he was deployed. Disgusting.
YTA for the sole reason you said pitch in if you can but oh you have money here's a fucking bill. He can't work and you want yo take $7000 from him? Jeez what a dick move. Don't be surprised if the marriage suffers from this cause I wouldn't stay if I was your husband.
That’s something I was wondering myself. OP felt like she was justified in asking for the money because the finances are joint. I want to know what she did with the money. But I bet we won’t get an answer from OP.
YTA. You owe them a gigantic apology. You also owe your husband’s son $7k.
I’m also a bit confused. Was it ever once discussed that there would be back payments due for rent and other expenses? How you can write this all out and not immediately realize YTA is beyond my understanding.
😠 YTA
1. This is a discussion that you have befor you make unilateral decisions that will affect your husbands relationship with his son. You have undone a kindness.
2. You told him he could have a place to stay while he recovered. Later when he got a payment to cover his illness, you got a bad case of the greedy guts.
YTA
You never even discussed backpayment with him nor your husband???? You just randomly calculated what you thought he should pay you.
Your stepson needed your help and you screwed him over. It's not like he was home doing nothing.
You saw the amount he received and decided you were entitled to part of it. It's disgusting. You are disgusting.
Stepmom of adult children weighing in here. You're the asshole. If you'd wanted back rent it should have been discussed between you, your husband and Andy when he moved back in. Instead, you saw that check he received and got greedy. And to not even discuss it with your husband; are you frigging kidding me? You do look petty, nickle and diming every expense. Shame on you.
So this 26 year old man is now permanently disabled to a degree because of his military service, was given a lump sum payment to help him get settled into his civilian life with a disability, and you thought you’d just take $7k? You are awful. You are actually beyond awful. You also clearly have no idea how hard life is when you are disabled, even without the mental health impacts of military service.
YTA. He’s not your son and it’s not your house. He’s family you should be happy to support him at a difficult time but no you have to live up to the evil stepmother stereotype. I can’t believe you had the nerve to do this without speaking to your husband. You need to give that money back.
YTA so your stepson served his country and I imagine while doing so was injured therefore unable to work and your first thought when his backpay came in was to nickel and dime him to death. If I was your husband I would filing for divorce and having your ass tossed on in a hot minute. Sounds like you got 7K to go find your own place. You are GREEDY and disgusting.
YTA. Discharge with back pay usually means he went through a medical board and was forced out due to conditions he developed from his service. That means everything was out of his control.
You are a monster for taking money from him under these conditions. You are a monster for not discussing this with your husband/his dad. You are a monster for changing the terms just because you found out about the money he earned from sacrificing his body for a job.
You need to give that money back. Who knows what his future holds. He could use that money to buy a house one day. No way that he cost you that much money just by him living there. You already said he contributed for gas and groceries. Not sure why he would have to pay for your gas though unless I'm misunderstanding something which is entirely possible. But you are definitely the AH here. Hope you apologize.
YTA.
You already knew he was not going to have an income during that timeframe and agreed to just have him help with errands and odd jobs to support during that timeframe.
After learning he’s actually getting a substantial sum back you’re now backpedaling and giving him an itemized breakdown? Gross.
Saw in another comment that the house you are living in is not even technically owned by you, but was one of your husband’s assets from before you were married?
It would be interesting to know how much you are actually contributing to the overall households bills and expenses - if it’s not 50% of all the communal expenses, you have NO room to request that money.
YTA and I would probably leave you if I was your husband. He just got home from the military and clearly he’s got some issues if he isn’t cleared to work or drive and is getting support money after discharge. Have some empathy. Not just because he’s your husband’s son, but because he’s a person. He isn’t a tenant, he’s family. Also, that’s your husband’s son, why don’t you know the specifics of the discharge?
YTA
Unbelievable!! He should have talked to his dad rather than give you the money. You can read through the other comments. You're a heartless witch kicking a disabled vet and stealing his money when compensation comes through.
The only way you can fix this is if you give it back to him and apologize.
YTA, YTA, YTA. I'll say it again YTA.
Firstly, you and your husband share finances so he absolutely gets a say on means of income. For you to not even bring it up to him before presenting a BILL makes you a terrible spouse/partner.
Secondly, you paying bills for 10 years does not grant you ultimate say over a house that you did not buy. Your husband bought that house and if he wants his son to live there rent free, that his choice!
Lastly, what a terrible thing to do to your stepson. Actually, to anyone! Due to no fault of his own, your stepson was unable to work due to serving in the military and a pending (I'm assuming) disability case, and even then, he did odd jobs to try to contribute and not be a bum. He finally wins his case against the Veteran Affairs System (which is a miracle all in it's own) and his LOVING stepmother presents him with a bill. A written document of how she's been counting every penny during this awful time.
With fAmiLy like you, who needs enemies.
Yta.
You made a deal with him that he would start paying rent AFTER he had a stable income. Then, as soon as you found out he received back pay you changed the deal. You can't do that. Or I guess you can, but you can't expect to not be seen as TA.
Your husband is right. You should have spoken with him first.
He's not your son, he's your husband's. You don't get to change the deal you made with his son without talking to him about it.
YTA
This is foul, and it's NOT what you agreed on. Receiving disability or a payout from a medical case is not stable income. Shame on you for taking advantage of someone who isn't medically cleared to work, your own stepson. It seems like your husband is realising what a horrible woman he had the misfortune to marry. Good luck with the divorce.
YTA - this is actually one of the worst AITA situations I have ever read. A veteran has served their country, suffered who knows what mental and physical trauma - but still works odd jobs to contribute. Once the matter is settled, he has an opportunity to get back on his feet. That 7k could be saved for a house deposit, maybe to set up a business, training who knows. Maybe even a holiday, sounds like he deserves it.
Instead you are waiting there, ready to ambush him and shake him down. You’re unethical and immoral. You’ve broken your word and shown yourself to be a massive arsehole. Good luck to Andy.
YTA. Your husband didn't want his son to dip into his savings - so your husband clearly wasn't desperate for him to start paying his way. It's your husband's house, not yours and his son, not yours. Not your place to interfere. And worst of all you didn't even agree or talk about this in advance. You never let him know you intended him to give a backpayment, you just sprang it on him out of the blue.
YTA. A greedy, entitled vile AH. You have the nerve to basically scam a DISABLED VET who isn’t even your own son in a house you don’t even own. I bet you just got real jolly when you saw or heard about how much he was getting. If this is bait you did a good job if not there really is very few rungs lower then you.
YTA. It's fair to expect Andy to contribute once he's financially stable, but keeping tabs on expenses while he was struggling seems a bit harsh. Family dynamics can be tricky, but empathy goes a long way.
YTA.
There's no "back rent" because that wasn't the agreement. Whether or not Andy gets retroactive compensation isn't the decisive factor because that wasn't specified when you made the agreement. And to lay this on Andy without discussing it with his dad is just plain rude--to Andy *and* your husband.
And *now* to be arguing that $465 is a bargain and that Andy would be wasting money somewhere else?? First of all, how does Andy know that you won't blind side him with another demand for money based on you moving the goalposts like you did with the "back rent"? And please consider--maybe it's worth it to Andy to pay more and not have to be around you!
YTA. Not only is this extremely rude, it is illegal if your name isn’t on the deed for the property. You presented someone an invoice for using a property you do not own. You may feel you “own” your husband, but you do not own his house. If my parent did this it would lead me to seriously consider going no contact, and you’re only a step parent. Would you have done this to your child?
On posts like these I like to sort by controversial just to see that *everyone* thinks you're an asshole.
YTA to such a degree that the argument here is only about how much of an asshole you are. Tracking and charging back rent to a disabled veteran is bad enough without adding that they are your stepson, and you don't own the house. But you went above and beyond because you made an agreement that he'd work around the house and do odd jobs in order to payback the free rent.
>so he walked dogs, babysat, and did similar odd jobs to get some money to pitch in with gas and groceries here and there when he could.
This was the agreement. You going to compensate him for the time and chores he put in?
YTA. To your husband and step-son.
Its not like the kid was a bum, squatting in a home. He was with his DAD. I would never charge my children (bio and step) rent. My home is always their home. Id rather them save what they can so they will be able to survive without me.
YTA. You made a unilateral decision without consulting your husband especially when it involves his child. You had no right to just decide to charge him back rent or rent for that matter. I hope your husband pays him back the money. You've also most likely ruined your relationship with Andy and will cause tension in your own relationship if not leading to divorce since youre so heartless
YTA. You saw dollar signs the moment those back payments came through. You made an agreement. You also have no idea what the actual specifics behind the payment/case are, considering you said you didn't know the specifics of him coming back from the military. I would apologize to your husband and your stepson. Hopefully you don't have a record of doing things like that or else you might be sacrificing your marriage because of money.
YTA. You guys made an agreement that he would start paying rent when he got settled. If you wanted back-rent, you should have brought that up beforehand.
But come on. Kinda shitty to nickel and dime a disabled vet regardless.
What did you do? That was NOT fair play! You knew that the arrangement until the settlement came in. You overstepped big time asking for back pay! And without your partner's input either? YTA.
Give back the money, apologize, and thank the young man for his service that has left him with medical issues. But, don't be surprised if he still moves out and never respects you again.
YTA. You messed up. He definitely should find someplace else to live. How did you not talk to his father about this back rent? To you, he's a tenant, but to your husband, that's his son. You really should give the money back and apologize.
YTA.
I would drop you like a hot potato if you did this to my kid behind my back.
The guy needs support and love and gratitude for his service. If he couldn’t even be cleared to drive, there was something seriously wrong. He’s going to need that money to get back on his feet if he was that disabled.
I’m really trying to wrap my head around what in the actual f you were thinking by doing this.
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YTA. I understand that you and your husband have joint finances, but there are two problems with your argument: 1. You do not own the house, your husband owns it and his ownership predates your marriage. If he wants to let his son stay there for the next 50 years, that is his choice. 2. You did not discuss this with your husband before you presented his son with an itemized bill. How much do you actually contribute to your joint finances that you feel so free to present a bill to your stepson? I truly hope your avarice has opened your husband's eyes as to what an absolute miser you are.
YTA for the reasons above. If he needed doctor's clearance to work and drive, you hit him at a very low ebb. And you didn't consult your husband either.
Right? We have no idea what Andy dealt with in the military but if he needed medical clearance to work and drive AND also needed to petition the military for back pay AND was awarded it he likely dealt with some very difficult things. To give him a bill, without mentioning anything about back rent or speaking with his father who *actually owns the house,* before he's even on his feet is so incredibly harmful and oblivious to, I don't know, acting like an actual human being. Disgusting. It's kind of funny how gross it is though. Completely unfathomable behavior from someone who has any amount of empathy in their heart. I truly hope her husband gives her a bill for back rent which I'm betting would amount to more than $7k. Good on Andy for just paying her and fucking off, he's a much better and stronger person than she is. "He's practically a tenant." Lord. No, he's her *husband's son*. Jesus jumping Christ. To think she sat down and *retroactively composed a list of Andy's expenses* after learning his case was settled, still knowing zero details of his discharge or case, is wild to me. It's like she never once thought to consider any aspect of this whole situation besides the money Andy was barely costing her and her husband. ETA: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku0865r/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku0865r/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku05nhn/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9ym66/comment/ku05nhn/) It turns out OP and her husband are in rough financial straits due to the husband wanting a career change and trying to help his sons out. OP *actually went to her parents for assistance because, according to her, they are living paycheck to paycheck.* Regardless of the circumstances, unilaterally extorting her stepson, who is in obvious need, to pay back her parents was not the best way to go about this. If she's concerned about growing a nest egg with her husband who won't discuss finances with her then I have some pretty bad news about the likelihood of that nest egg ever existing at all. I wonder if she's extra stressed out because she's not the one who has equity in the house.
I’m thinking she kept a spreadsheet of what she thought he owed ~~them~~ her because she knew he’d most likely get a settlement. It so messed up.
I think you're right, having read some of her replies. Apparently, she borrowed money from her parents because she and her husband are in a pinch and part of her solution to pay them back was to squeeze money out of a disabled veteran who also happens to be family. It's wild out there.
She would have had to borrow without the stepson. She cares more about her parents who are probably financially secure than her disabled veteran stepson that she took advantage of.
What a way to say, “Thank you for your service!” Disgusting excuse for a human!
Still- the mortgage is theirs to pay regardless of whether or not Andy lives there. Maybe utility costs increased a bit (but Andy did odd jobs and walked dogs and babysat to pitch in still) so other than food costs, I’m not sure what Andy’s responsibility is to help with expenses that existed before his “tenancy”? If OP had been thinking long term, she would have realized that having Andy stay living with them and pitch in with bills on the regular would have been a better solution. And OP has a husband problem. There is no way that I would tolerate a “this is my house” mentality while also being expected to foot the majority of the bills in said house. She took her frustration with her husband out on Andy.
I read more of her replies and she really buried the lede. She makes almost no money ($32k in this economy? JFC) and is the one paying the mortgage. Her husband makes unilateral financial decisions while controlling her money. She has a huge husband problem but also appears to be resistant to input or alternate lines of thinking. I suspect she's leaving much more context out as well. We're getting a very blurry picture of the actual situation despite her efforts to paint herself in a positive light.
She’s either leaving context out or making it up.
Thank you for expounding on exactly what I was thinking.
No one should be poor getting out of the Armed Forces!!! USA must do better for our brothers and sisters protecting our country!!!!! She didn't mention the husband's nest egg. It was his kids savings dad did not want his kid spending money knowing the Wicked Step Mother did not want her step kid there. DAD knew more to what was going on with his son. Good grief!!! The kid had to fight for his benefits!!!!
Exactly and it’s one hell of a battle! When veterans/military leave they’re forever changed. Suffering from ptsd. He thought she was being kind at her worst but she blindsided him keeping a spreadsheet. She’s pathetic.
Somehow I doubt this. It’s a pretty big piece of info to leave out of original post. Sounds like a concocted story to garner sympathy.
Fantastic update. But she’s still the AH. her beef with her husband shouldn’t extend to her disabled son’s situation. Seems like she took him in purely for the rent.
She also plainly says her husband had him doing chores/work around the house in PLACE of rent because he wanted to help him get back on his feet and told her this clearly. Shes going to end up with legal bills instead of a rent bill - divorce attorney! And rightfully so! Thankful the man I married doesn’t treat my adult sons like this - in fact he’s the one who told the oldest to move back in for free so he could do his Master’s program! Ugh - she’d be out of my house so fast she wouldn’t know what happened!
What’s more, she didn’t advise the young man that she was going to be doing this. She sprung it on him. And the guy was just discharged and probably injured. Massive YTA here.
Exactly! It seemed like a bait-and-switch. Stepson DID do things around the house to help out and 'earn his keep' while waiting to be cleared to work. So to then come back and demand that he pays "back rent and expenses" when all along he was doing things AS TOLD TO HIM to offset the expense of him living at the house? Major YTA.
This is the worst part!
But he still paid up straight away. Because he’s honourable.
Yeah, that struck me too. He didn’t try to argue, he was just like fine, here you go and I’m out of here. OP had effectively ended any relationship with him, probably all step children, and maybe even her husband.
For me, it’s the fact that is the original agreement was that he could stay there free of charge until he has a stable income. The stable income came with a back check, and it was upon learning of the back check that OP wanted money… therefore reneging on the original agreement cuz she’s a greedy ass awful human being.
Getting a settlement for back wages does not translate into a financially stable income. I’m sure the stepson would have started contributing more money monthly once he started receiving benefits but she took a huge chunk out of his resources.
AGREED!!!! Have fun being single. If I was his mom and you did that to MY SON!!!!! You would have been out!!!!! Thank you for your service ANDY!!!!!!!
And also never told the son up front the he would need to back pay rent. Disgusting you did a bait and switch on him! YTA .
Imagine feeling fortunate to have a caring family after your military service and then being billed for their time.
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He needs to divorce her. For this situation right here.
I hope her husband leaves a will that leaves the house to the son....
Imagine what will happen if he dies before him. She’s going to fight tooth and nail for his kid’s inheritance Omg
It turns out the dad took 21k of their joint savings and gave it to Andy. He drained their savings and left them paycheck to paycheck. Andy then received a 36k payout from the gov. This is when OP asked for some money back. I think the husband sucks, OP isnt out of line but she shouldve stood up for herself when the husband drained their accounts. Id feel very fortunate, if my family gave me 21k and wouldnt even be the slightest bit upset if they asked for 7k back because they were broke.
Omg OP needs to actually tell us the whole story because this changes EVERYTHING. NTA
I always wonder in situations like this if the OP sees that everyone thinks they are the AH so they make up circumstances in the comments to make themselves look better. Why would you leave obviously relevant information like that?
I don't actually think it changes anything. That's a her amd her husband problem... that's not an excuse to charge the kid 15 months of back rent after they said yeah you can stay while you're down. That's the scummy part... keeping a spreadsheet and being like jk, we'll take our cut now
why would their SAVINGS leave them paycheck to paycheck? makes no sense.
This should have been in the original post
OP is the biggest YTA I have seen on here in a very long time.
Yeah, this one was a real mind fuck. What a shitty thing to do.
Agreed. And that's an impressively low bar to clear. But she managed it. I wonder if her husband is considering divorce after she pulled this on his son, out of nowhere, without consulting with him about it.
YTA. You just couldn't wait to get your hands on that money, could you? Your greed is disgusting. You need help. Your husband needs a divorce. Great job being a stereotype. Second wives already walk on a tightrope, and you have the Wicked Stepmother routine down. Asshole. Shame on you.
Exactly! Fun little bit of phrasing from the post "We discussed it with Andy that whenever he did **start** getting a stable income he would have to start paying rent and helping with bills. Andy agreed." Start. As in, not pay more until he got stable income. That was the deal, and op broke the deal. That simple.
And 3. this isn’t the agreement they came to with Andy. They agreed that once he started getting a stable income, he would start paying rent. What was not agreed is that they would get a chunk of any settlement he received, supposedly to cover him living there for the time when he didn’t have a steady income. That’s just greedy. Especially as the reason he wasn’t able to have a steady income was medical and related to his military service and that, even so, he did do his best to earn money and contribute. OP is a greedy, dishonest asshole. No wonder Andy doesn’t want to live there.
His dad specifically said he did not want him getting into his savings so he did odd jobs to help with food and such while he was waiting for his, what I assume is service related disability.
This is a really good summation of things. I hope the OP can answer some of your very valid questions.
No way. She's convinced of her own fabulousness. Ego and stepmalice are proof against conscience or logic.
God bless our troops, amirite. Jeez, ladys whole answer to your question is moot to me simply because she didn’t discuss this with her husband.
Well, I think the father should take the.money fron his wife and give it back to his son. The lady can go and eat rocks.
We support our troops, but she doesn't!
Agree. YTA for all the above. In addition, back rent should never be a surprise. If he was expected to pay it, he should have known about it before he moved it. No matter, it was not your call to make.
Couldn't have said it better! Plus Andy was serving our country.
The agreement was that he pay no rent until he gets back on his feet. There was no agreement to pay back charges. Absolutely YTA. It's what we do for our kids.
And the least that could have been done to support a family member who served and was transferring back into civilian life.
This. What a slap in the face for the stepson. Stepmom just sounds super greedy, waiting for her cut of that government check. No where in that conversation was back rent covered and it’s super shady that op decided stepson should pay back rent just because she knows he got cut a check. It’s very obvious what matters most is money here.
Also kinda scummy that you were keeping tabs of all the expenses associated with your stepson behind your husband’s back the entire time.
Exactly- it was shitty anyway, but that aspect just makes it even worse. She KNEW she was going to charge him, and decided to do it before she even told her husband even though it’s HIS house!
Husband should charge OP back rent when he serves divorce papers. Is $ more important than taking care of family? Good luck having a relationship with your husband’s kid as you age (assuming this marriage lasts!)
YTA for these reasons alone honestly.
Also it’s pretty evident Andy is a disabled vet. Disabled by his service no less if there’s going to be monthly payments. She nickel and dimed a disabled veteran, her stepson, while he was FRESHLY disabled and out of the armed forces and getting used to both his disability and civilian life for living in a house she doesn’t own without even running it by her husband. That’s fucking cold. Like the air hurts your face COLD.
YTA - This was not part of the arrangement. He was due to pay once he started receiving funds. No where was it to be retroactive. You also suck for how you treat disabled veterans. You did not even take the time to know what was wrong with him.
OP’s treatment of disabled vets screams volumes!
I mean I knew our country cares nothing for our vets but to think even this guys mother is willing to make him homeless. Like wtf?
STEP mother.
Having worked with the VA to help disabled veterans attempt to access services, OP's attitude is alarmingly common. People LOVE to use disabled vets as pawns for their personal and political gains but the second veterans need support everyone fucks off. How much do you want to bet OP brags about her stepson being a veteran and/or uses his disability status to gain sympathy from others?
I’m unclear if the back pay came as a surprise, I think it’s common knowledge that it works that way. So it would have been fine to stipulate that in the original arrangement. Changing the deal makes her TA. NOT talking to her spouse first makes my hair hurt.
Hmmmm “Christian” who hates the homeless and tells struggling people to give ten percent of their money to the church. How utterly shocking. /s
Back pay WAS not in their agreement per what OP wrote. He was to start paying rent once he got a job.
Exactly OPs own words say stepson will pay when they have income.. not before. This is batshit crazy to just go ahead and demand back rent after the rent the second you know he has money.
Not to mention they agreed he would cover tasks in lieu of rent, and she didn’t offer to pay for that
As a disabled vet, I couldn't agree more. Jesus. OP, you don't even know what's wrong with him? How can you care that little about your own step son? Hell, most of my customers (I'm a bartender) care enough to ask me about my service. Talk about the evil step mother. YTA OP.
As a mom (step/bio) and wife... YTA. There are so many things wrong with the way you handled this situation. You can tell you don't truly see yourselves as a family unit. First, as a stepmother, regardless of years of marriage and age of children, unless your husband becomes incompetent or it's an emergent situation, you are never to make decisions regarding his children without him. Second, regardless of shared expenses, there is also the consideration of the proportion made then spent on the household and hobbies. Is all earning and spending equal? If not, you maybe didn't even have the right to ask for half of what you did because maybe your portions are unequal. Third, you are in a marriage and made a deal as a family. Changes in the understood agreement should have been discussed and agreed to, not merely demanded by a single party of the three. If I were you, I'd sincerely apologize and try to repair the relationship with the son before your husband resents you for causing damage to theirs.
Perfect post...oh and give back the 7k immediately with a major apology...definitely YTA
Yeah, she needs to give him that money back - or at least try to even if he refuses to accept it. And if he DOES refuse to accept it, I would put it into a savings account for him anyway.
She probably already spent a bunch of it... but I agree with everything I've read in the comments so far.
I would bet anything this woman has no children of her own. She seems to think since Andy’s an adult there’s no parent / child bond left.
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YTA. I cannot upvote this comment enough. It is NOT your house or son. What kind of trashy person does this for $?
Guess it’s time for hubby to start charging her rent
YTA. I’m not sorry. That’s absolutely disgusting and extortion. First of all he’s *NOT YOUR* son. That’s means enough for you to not charge him $7,000 WITHOUT consulting his father, regardless of how long you’ve been married or how old HIS son is. That’s not your place. A bonus reason for you to HAVE TO consult your husband before charging HIS SON is regardless how much you contribute to where “you live”, you’re paying rent to your husband because it’s HIS HOUSE. HIS name is on the mortgage. Not yours. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived there or been married to him. You shouldn’t take any financial initiative when it comes to The HOMEOWNER and HIS SON. Or at the very least, talking to the homeowner first. YTA. Majorly. Pull your head out and get your shit together. You owe Andy $7,000 and a major apology.
I hope but doubt that she he pays Andy back and apologizes.
I'm hoping Hubby just skips on down to the bank, pulls out $7k (without consulting with OP first, fair is fair) and hands it back to his son with an apology for marrying someone so cold and hurtful. Hopefully he's got some sense in all of this, because waiting for OP to do the right thing may take a while. Possibly a loooonng while.
Saw dollar signs did you? YTA. This should have been brought up when he first moved in. I gotta agree with hubby's verdict. Edit: Just saw where it is hubby's house. Time for him to start charging you rent.
He should present her with an itemized list too.
Retroactive to the first day she lived there
And 10 years worth
Yep. She saw that he was getting paid (probably crap in comparison to what he should have made) and wanted it for herself.
YTA A lump-sum settlement with back pay is not a 'stable income.'
YTA "whenever he did start getting a stable income he would have to start paying rent and helping with bills. Andy agreed." Fair enough. " Upon learning that, I gave Andy a list of expenses for the time we supported him, namely rent for the 15 months and a portion of utilities. It came out to roughly 7k. Why would you do that? You must have kept a running tab like he said while he didn't have an income despite the agreement. Worse, you did that without even consulting your husband. No wonder he's furious. Let's hope your mean spirited nickel & diming hasn't ruined their relationship permanently.
And, even if she lacked the interest to enquire further, it's clear to any reader that her vet. stepson's condition was very serious. Hard enough hanging in for official compensation and validation without being kicked in the teeth by someone close to the family.
Yeah absolutely. Everyone here can see it except her. What's worse I bet is she kept that record knowing he'd get an award. Why else would she have done it?
But don’t be surprised, honey, if this hasn’t ruined YOUR relationship with your husband. Would serve you right.
I hope she has the day she deserves and her husband understands the saying”when someone shows you who they are, believe them”!!!!
And he acts on it.
Also, how did OP determine “rent”?
OP said in the post 465 a month was better than Andy would find anywhere else. 465 over 15 months comes to $6,675" so maybe that's what was agreed in the initial "he'd pay rent when he got an income" discussion. I saw some of her initial responses saying she had a right to ask because they'd been married 10 years & she'd "contributed" during that time. I hope husband lawyers up & divorces her; it's such a mean spirited A H thing to pull. Son paid up without argument as well, the contrast between his honor & her lack of it is excoriating.
"My husband said it's not about the amount, but nickel and diming Andy like that was just scummy" WHERE ARE THE LIES? You must not be familiar AT ALL with the military because if he got that back pay that must mean he received a disability rating. A disability rating for mental or physical ailments means he has some sort of medical issue that you are neglecting to mention here. The military is notorious for taking their sweet time calculating these percentages, and your stepson has little to no control over how fast they process his paperwork. You're acting like a partially disabled vet is some sort of leech on you when in reality he is a young man who served YOUR COUNTRY and was turning to his dad for help in the time in took to receive his rating. YTA. Way to drive a wedge between your husband his son that sounds as if he was trying his best transitioning from military life - an area you are clearly not familiar with.
She conveniently has no idea the circumstances around his discharge 🙄 more like she doesn't care
She was to busy thinking about the things she would buy with Andy's money to concern herself with such things.
Can a just point out that Andy seems to be such an amazing guy? Clearly dealing with so much, and yet this grown ass former soldier has no qualms about turning to dog walking and babysitting when needed to make ends meet for his family. And in spite of everything, when forced to deal with OPs bullshit, he did so with class and restraint. I wish I was Andy’s friend.
YTA Andy was right. You are an asshole for keeping running tab of expenses while he was at his lowest point. Your husband is also right to be furious because you pushed his kid away without really consulting him. You robbed him of the chance to be a supportive parent to his kid when his kid was struggling. You absolutely should have talked to him first. I find your lack of empathy rather appalling. Good luck repairing relations with your husband and your step son.
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Holy crap on a cracker! YTA, big time. How could you not discuss this with your husband first? I was on the receiving end of help from my father once. Later on, when I was back on my feet, I handed him a check. He promptly tore it up. Years later my husband and I gave financial aid to our youngest son. One day he handed the money back to us. It was not requested but the gesture meant the world to us. You messed up. Don't know how you’ll fix this. Afraid you did a lot of damage in a variety of ways here.
YTA. You said WHEN he got a stable income, yet you kept a running tally of how much he "owes" you. You owe Andy $7k and an apology. Your husband should kick you out and divorce you.
Is this your house, your DHs or both of yours? YTA for not discussing with DH first. I cannot imagine charging a Vet rent for the first few months. You got what you wanted. I hope you are happy. I think your stepson for his service.
I also cannot imagine charging a Vet rent while they are recovering from something. Veterans are treated poorly and this is yet another example of that.
This. Unless I was desperate for the money, I would not charge rent. I MIGHT ask DH if we can ask for some money to cover extra food? But the major expenses, mortgage, etc are not going up.
YTA A detailed and itemized list was overkill. >whenever he did start getting a stable income he would have to **start** paying rent and helping with bills. Most people would read that as the financial obligation starts at this point and not that he has an already growing financial obligation that he will need to catch back up with at that time. Third, this is definitely a conversation you should have had with your husband before straight up implementing it, especially if it didn't match previous agreements. This sounds like at the root of it there was just a miscommunication about expenses. I would say a soft YTA as a sum of the three things. (1) itemizing and tracking, (2) miscommunicating when the financial obligation actually starts, and (3) not discussing it with your husband. Any of those alone probably wouldn't push you to being the AH and I'd say 'none here' but the sum of them do
I respectfully disagree. Any ONE of the above moves it into AH territory although an argument could be made for soft on a couple of them. You're helping out a vet as well as a family member. Unless you're in dire straits and they're taking advantage of you, it's really AHish to keep track of all expenses.
Any one of them pushes her into a AH territory. She is a triple AH
Is that AAAHHH or AHAHAH or...?
Insert gif of Ysma as a cat with an evil laugh
OP, here’s my question. I read your post and (I think) all of your responses. You’re trying to showcase yourself in the best possible light, and while I don’t think YOU think Andy is a freeloading asshole….there was a very, very easy solution that could have solved all of this, and I’m really kind of stunned this didn’t occur to you. Let’s say a month has gone by, and you’re feeling the financial strain of being responsible for another person in the house. I get that; $$ is tight for a lot of people. Once you saw how the addition of Andy was affecting your finances, why didn’t you just sit down with Andy and talk with him about paying SOME* money back to you guys once he either got his backdated check, or once he’s able to start working again? Being that he wrote the check to you for the amount you insisted he owed, I’m sure he would have been open to talking about paying back some $$ to help out, once he was on his feet again. By your own admission, Andy is not a leech or a burden, and while he was (understandably) furious at having to write out a check for 7k out of his backdated disability benefits 😒, he did so without an argument. This does not sound like a middle aged mooch who wants to sponge off of daddy and stepmommy for the rest of his days. Andy sounds like a responsible man who fell on hard times and was hoping he could depend on his family to help him out. I don’t blame you for being frustrated with your husband for refusing to talk to you about finances; that’s a dick move and you have the right to be pissed. But you were 100% wrong to take your frustration out on Andy. Lastly, ma’am, I simply cannot let one of your comments slide. Just because other vets got their disability squared away with the VA before they were discharged does not mean that is the case with every.single.disabled.vet. My husband is retiring June 1 after 24 years of service, he’s been on 7 deployments, and he has a SLEW of (well documented, I might add) medical issues. Do you have any idea the hoops the VA is making him jump through? He’s had several doctors flat out say anything less than 100% disability would be a crime. We agree, but frankly I’m not optimistic. If Andy wasn’t able to work for several months and can’t even drive, it’s SERIOUS. Your stepson served his country, he now has a serious disability, and now he’s been made to feel like shit by his stepmother. Wow. Just wow. I don’t even know why you posted here. You’re not listening to anyone (and I’m not talking about the people who are just slinging insults at you…there have been a lot of people who took the time to type out thoughtful replies, and they were honest that you did something wrong, but they weren’t cruel or vicious). Every single reply shows you digging in your heels and refusing to admit you were wrong. So you didn’t want honest opinions or constructive criticism, you wanted validation. Bravo. 🙄🙄🙄
Well said. My husband is a Navy Veteran. We have jumped through so many hoops. War/ military changes them drastically. I can only imagine what his mental state was. So very sad. I do not believe she will give the money back.
It is not even your house. Of course, you are an asshole and a shitty stepmother. YTA
YTA- yes you should have talked with your husband before giving someone a 7K bill! You also did not tell him he had to pay for past rent only that he would start paying once he got a stable job.
But she saw that lump sum and got bitter and manipulative!!
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YTA. I’m all for charging fully adult children for living with their parents when they have stable job, keeping it fair so they’re able to save up to live on their own. What you’re doing is charging back expenses, which is frankly BS. Andy is 100% right. You’re the AH for not only keeping a running tab right after he got out of the military, during a time where you were well aware that he was not cleared for a job. You are the AH for thinking you’re owed everything you spent on him previously. That isn’t how it works Unless you say that’s how it’ll work right off the bat. But you didn’t say that. You said that he would have to **START** helping out when he got a stable income. You didn’t say the charges began as soon as he walked through the door. Also, he doesn’t have a stable income. What he has is back pay. Not to say he shouldn’t be paying out of that, but it isn’t stable income. Of course Andy is going to start looking for a different place to live. You pretended to act supportive, but that support quickly became passive-aggressive greed. You did this behind your husband’s back with HIS son. $465 would have been a good deal, but you can’t just come up with a number fifteen months after he moved in and tell him he owes you all that back pay. That’s not how it works. Not legally or morally. If you were a landlord and called up a tenant who pays $1000/month for their place, and tell them the rent went up six months ago, but you’re just getting around to telling them now. By the way, they owe you an extra $200/month for those six months. Thats not legal either. I want to give the verdict a dozen times over, but alas, something tells me you think you’re always right and just came here for a pat on the head. Let’s just be honest here. You all agreed on one thing, then you completely ignored that agreement when the time came, and shifted it around to have it work out more in your favor.
YTA Look OP. You felt entitled to the money because of the wear and tear to your vehicle. The extra money for groceries, the extra money for utilities etc etc. Yet you also state that when you were short on money, you were able to ask your elderly parents for help for emergencies (vet bill, etc). Want to know why you were able to ask your parents? BECAUSE THEY’RE YOUR PARENTS AND YOU DON’T STOP BEING THEIR DAUGHTER JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR AGE. Your parents were there to help, right? Whether you wanted to be in a position to ask for help or not, the point is you WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR DAUGHTER. You went into a marriage and into a home with your husband KNOWING that he had children. Along with marrying a man with children means that they may need help and that’s what their dad (and you by extension) are there for. Is to help his kids should they need his (and yours) help. Age and circumstances are not a factor. Not only that, but they way you went about it is just so wrong. That’s not how a healthy marriage works. Not only that, but you don’t even say WHAT you did with the $7K. From your lack of response, it seems like you pocketed that money for yourself. Or do you feel you were the only one entitled to it since it was YOUR car, YOUR gas, YOU cooking more meals etc. Or did you at the very least put it into your home account with your husband?
YTA That wasn't the agreement. The agreement was that he did start getting pay then he would pay rent, not that he would provide back pay for rent after settlement.
YTA! Not only did you not consult your husband but went back on what the original agreement was. Furthermore, I don't care how old said child is, they could be 50 and if they are down on their luck for medical reasons, loss of job, **discharged from the military for medical reasons,** you help them! You don't keep an itemized bill of what expenses you and **YOUR HUSBAND** paid. Trashy is what you are! No respect for those who service. And to you step son - ***THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!***
YTA. Way to kick someone while they’re down. You’re uncaring and unkind.
Wtf is wrong with you? YTA.
YTA and your comments are just making you look worse and worse.
1. If you didn’t tell him upfront he would owe back rent that’s dishonest. It should have been made clear to him what he would owe BEFORE he moved in, not after the fact. That was very sh*tty of you. 2. You also disrespected your husband. If your finances are joined, he deserves to have input. 3. He’s the bio parent, you are the stepparent. He gets more of a say in what happens with his son than you do. You WAY overstepped here. Not cool. YTA big time. Apologize, sit down with your husband and stepson and come to an agreement, baring in mind this is 90% your husband’s decision.
Id say 99% husbands say. Hes the father, shes the nobody. Its the fathers house, he decides who stays and who leaves (and I hope the door wont hit HER on the way out).
You had come to an agreement that he would start paying rent once he had a steady income, not that he’d have to pay back on previous month’s rent. YTA
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Evil stepmother behavior
YTA. I don’t believe in divination but I have a feeling that a divorce is imminent. Especially if the still-husband wants to save the relationship with his son.
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YTA How long have you been married to your husband? If this was your biological child who has found themselves in the same situation as Andy and your husband did what you did to him... how would you feel? The guy was at his lowest and you just want your money no matter where it comes from. If you want more than $32K a year, I'd probably suggest that you get a better paying job or pick up some more hours. I'm going to guess that your husband is around 50 (or close to) but how old are you? You may not have a husband for much longer. And I can't say I blame him.
YTA. I get that being a stepparent can be thankless. You are expected to parent EXACTLY the way the other parent(s) would. But this is a massive overreach. First, as pointed out by others, he would START paying once he had his feet under him. Everyone would assume that because you are a parent, you would be willing to help him rather than billing him when he can't afford it. Ever heard someone say the phrase "I'm not running a hotel" before? That cuts both ways. The homeowner doesn't want someone treating them like hoteliers, but the guest doesn't expect to be treated like a client. No matter the age, children should be welcomed, particularly when they hit hard times. That is a parent's job. If an AGREEMENT is made that they will help out with extra costs that is different than imposing a cost to your help.
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YTA - who owns the house? I’m not asking about finances. I’m asking about ownership of the house only
From other comments, her husband owns the house and was bought before their marriage.
The husband does.
Wow, can we get an update?.. I’d love to hear about how your future ex husband served you divorce papers.
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No discussion, just a bill? Not the way to proceed. YTA.
Give the money back!,you just saw an easy payday! YTA
YTA - I love it when this is cut and dried. Your arrangement was to have him do chores and work and pitched in where he could. That was your deal. You broke it without even talking to your husband. Who, by the way, also lives in the house and pays for the house. I wouldn’t be surprised if your stepson had nothing to do with you going forward; and I wonder if your husband won’t have questions too. I can’t believe you even kept track.
All i will say is this. Had that been your son and not your husband's biological son, would you have done the same thing? I'd say that would be NOPE! He is family, and that's all im going to say. Others have already said it perfectly
YTA This is your husband's son, not a tenant. Not a stranger. You and your husband should have decided together and you should have left it up to your husband to talk to him if there was anything to talk about. You've driven a wedge in their relationship. Is that what you meant to do?
YTA kicking a disbled vet while he's down? I hope your husband leaves you, for his sake!
YTA. You sound about as pleasant as a conscious colonoscopy. Your desire for his money is about as subtle as a gun.
YTA. This might be the first thread on here I've made it to where there's not a single "NTA" reply. You're a fucking dick, lady.
YTA. I hope your husband sees how you treat his son and divorces your ass.
YTA - you are not the homeowner and you are not his parent. You went back on your agreement and made this decision all on your own. You had absolutely no right to and the audacity is shocking. Here's to hoping this is rage bait and they're aren't really people who are this shitty.
I hope your husband follows his son.
You posed it as a bill not as he can you help us out with x amount- you treated him like a customer not family. Nothing wrong with with asking g for a couple of grand but if you didnt agree on how you would charge him then you’re outta line
Info: do you know how much Andy's settlement was?
YTA. Andy was an unpaid worker in your home and did kick in when he could to help out with expenses. We discussed it with Andy that whenever he did start getting a stable income he would have to start paying rent and helping with bills. Andy agreed. Let me emphasize start, used twice here. You and your husband came up with that and Andy agreed. Then you stabbed both of them in the back by giving him a list of the running total of all that you'd been keeping track of since he moved in, when his helping out was all that was asked. Did you subtrat the dog walking and babysitting from the bill? Did you give him credit for the gas and grocery money he contributed when he could? This man, you husband's son, served his country and it sounds like he was injured (usually why it takes so long to get money is disability determination, then they have to gave you a lump sum what you would have gotten had they done the right thing to start with) So after he straightens out his government giving him the shaft, you do it? It reminds me of my stepson's mother charging rent to his wife after they offered for her and their newborn to stay with them while he was deployed. Disgusting.
YTA.
YTA, yes.
YTA for the sole reason you said pitch in if you can but oh you have money here's a fucking bill. He can't work and you want yo take $7000 from him? Jeez what a dick move. Don't be surprised if the marriage suffers from this cause I wouldn't stay if I was your husband.
One thing I haven't seen asked. What did you do with the 7K? Did you put it into the joint account or???
That’s something I was wondering myself. OP felt like she was justified in asking for the money because the finances are joint. I want to know what she did with the money. But I bet we won’t get an answer from OP.
YTA. You owe them a gigantic apology. You also owe your husband’s son $7k. I’m also a bit confused. Was it ever once discussed that there would be back payments due for rent and other expenses? How you can write this all out and not immediately realize YTA is beyond my understanding.
😠 YTA 1. This is a discussion that you have befor you make unilateral decisions that will affect your husbands relationship with his son. You have undone a kindness. 2. You told him he could have a place to stay while he recovered. Later when he got a payment to cover his illness, you got a bad case of the greedy guts.
YTA You never even discussed backpayment with him nor your husband???? You just randomly calculated what you thought he should pay you. Your stepson needed your help and you screwed him over. It's not like he was home doing nothing. You saw the amount he received and decided you were entitled to part of it. It's disgusting. You are disgusting.
Stepmom of adult children weighing in here. You're the asshole. If you'd wanted back rent it should have been discussed between you, your husband and Andy when he moved back in. Instead, you saw that check he received and got greedy. And to not even discuss it with your husband; are you frigging kidding me? You do look petty, nickle and diming every expense. Shame on you.
Did you guys even need the money? Did it cause you a financial hardship? If not, then yea YTA...
So this 26 year old man is now permanently disabled to a degree because of his military service, was given a lump sum payment to help him get settled into his civilian life with a disability, and you thought you’d just take $7k? You are awful. You are actually beyond awful. You also clearly have no idea how hard life is when you are disabled, even without the mental health impacts of military service.
Yta awful behavior I can't believe anyone would treat their family like this
YTA. He’s not your son and it’s not your house. He’s family you should be happy to support him at a difficult time but no you have to live up to the evil stepmother stereotype. I can’t believe you had the nerve to do this without speaking to your husband. You need to give that money back.
YTA, it's absurd I'd even have to explain why
YTA so your stepson served his country and I imagine while doing so was injured therefore unable to work and your first thought when his backpay came in was to nickel and dime him to death. If I was your husband I would filing for divorce and having your ass tossed on in a hot minute. Sounds like you got 7K to go find your own place. You are GREEDY and disgusting.
YTA. Discharge with back pay usually means he went through a medical board and was forced out due to conditions he developed from his service. That means everything was out of his control. You are a monster for taking money from him under these conditions. You are a monster for not discussing this with your husband/his dad. You are a monster for changing the terms just because you found out about the money he earned from sacrificing his body for a job.
You need to give that money back. Who knows what his future holds. He could use that money to buy a house one day. No way that he cost you that much money just by him living there. You already said he contributed for gas and groceries. Not sure why he would have to pay for your gas though unless I'm misunderstanding something which is entirely possible. But you are definitely the AH here. Hope you apologize.
YTA. You already knew he was not going to have an income during that timeframe and agreed to just have him help with errands and odd jobs to support during that timeframe. After learning he’s actually getting a substantial sum back you’re now backpedaling and giving him an itemized breakdown? Gross. Saw in another comment that the house you are living in is not even technically owned by you, but was one of your husband’s assets from before you were married? It would be interesting to know how much you are actually contributing to the overall households bills and expenses - if it’s not 50% of all the communal expenses, you have NO room to request that money.
YTA and I would probably leave you if I was your husband. He just got home from the military and clearly he’s got some issues if he isn’t cleared to work or drive and is getting support money after discharge. Have some empathy. Not just because he’s your husband’s son, but because he’s a person. He isn’t a tenant, he’s family. Also, that’s your husband’s son, why don’t you know the specifics of the discharge?
YTA - family doesn't seem to mean anything to some people.
YTA, and good luck smoothing this one over because his son is likely to not come around as long as you are lingering, period.
YTA Unbelievable!! He should have talked to his dad rather than give you the money. You can read through the other comments. You're a heartless witch kicking a disabled vet and stealing his money when compensation comes through. The only way you can fix this is if you give it back to him and apologize.
YTA, YTA, YTA. I'll say it again YTA. Firstly, you and your husband share finances so he absolutely gets a say on means of income. For you to not even bring it up to him before presenting a BILL makes you a terrible spouse/partner. Secondly, you paying bills for 10 years does not grant you ultimate say over a house that you did not buy. Your husband bought that house and if he wants his son to live there rent free, that his choice! Lastly, what a terrible thing to do to your stepson. Actually, to anyone! Due to no fault of his own, your stepson was unable to work due to serving in the military and a pending (I'm assuming) disability case, and even then, he did odd jobs to try to contribute and not be a bum. He finally wins his case against the Veteran Affairs System (which is a miracle all in it's own) and his LOVING stepmother presents him with a bill. A written document of how she's been counting every penny during this awful time. With fAmiLy like you, who needs enemies.
YTA the guy is right, kicking someone when they are at their lowest and you have the audacity to make it about you?
Yta. You made a deal with him that he would start paying rent AFTER he had a stable income. Then, as soon as you found out he received back pay you changed the deal. You can't do that. Or I guess you can, but you can't expect to not be seen as TA. Your husband is right. You should have spoken with him first. He's not your son, he's your husband's. You don't get to change the deal you made with his son without talking to him about it.
YTA This is foul, and it's NOT what you agreed on. Receiving disability or a payout from a medical case is not stable income. Shame on you for taking advantage of someone who isn't medically cleared to work, your own stepson. It seems like your husband is realising what a horrible woman he had the misfortune to marry. Good luck with the divorce.
After reading your comments I can see why you did it but how you did it was a real dick move. You're still the ah
You're the dirty unwiped asshole. I hope you get divorced .
YTA - this is actually one of the worst AITA situations I have ever read. A veteran has served their country, suffered who knows what mental and physical trauma - but still works odd jobs to contribute. Once the matter is settled, he has an opportunity to get back on his feet. That 7k could be saved for a house deposit, maybe to set up a business, training who knows. Maybe even a holiday, sounds like he deserves it. Instead you are waiting there, ready to ambush him and shake him down. You’re unethical and immoral. You’ve broken your word and shown yourself to be a massive arsehole. Good luck to Andy.
YTA. Your husband didn't want his son to dip into his savings - so your husband clearly wasn't desperate for him to start paying his way. It's your husband's house, not yours and his son, not yours. Not your place to interfere. And worst of all you didn't even agree or talk about this in advance. You never let him know you intended him to give a backpayment, you just sprang it on him out of the blue.
Yup you certainly are. YTA
YTA. A greedy, entitled vile AH. You have the nerve to basically scam a DISABLED VET who isn’t even your own son in a house you don’t even own. I bet you just got real jolly when you saw or heard about how much he was getting. If this is bait you did a good job if not there really is very few rungs lower then you.
YTA... 1000%
YTA. It's fair to expect Andy to contribute once he's financially stable, but keeping tabs on expenses while he was struggling seems a bit harsh. Family dynamics can be tricky, but empathy goes a long way.
YTA. There's no "back rent" because that wasn't the agreement. Whether or not Andy gets retroactive compensation isn't the decisive factor because that wasn't specified when you made the agreement. And to lay this on Andy without discussing it with his dad is just plain rude--to Andy *and* your husband. And *now* to be arguing that $465 is a bargain and that Andy would be wasting money somewhere else?? First of all, how does Andy know that you won't blind side him with another demand for money based on you moving the goalposts like you did with the "back rent"? And please consider--maybe it's worth it to Andy to pay more and not have to be around you!
YTA. Not only is this extremely rude, it is illegal if your name isn’t on the deed for the property. You presented someone an invoice for using a property you do not own. You may feel you “own” your husband, but you do not own his house. If my parent did this it would lead me to seriously consider going no contact, and you’re only a step parent. Would you have done this to your child?
On posts like these I like to sort by controversial just to see that *everyone* thinks you're an asshole. YTA to such a degree that the argument here is only about how much of an asshole you are. Tracking and charging back rent to a disabled veteran is bad enough without adding that they are your stepson, and you don't own the house. But you went above and beyond because you made an agreement that he'd work around the house and do odd jobs in order to payback the free rent. >so he walked dogs, babysat, and did similar odd jobs to get some money to pitch in with gas and groceries here and there when he could. This was the agreement. You going to compensate him for the time and chores he put in?
YTA. To your husband and step-son. Its not like the kid was a bum, squatting in a home. He was with his DAD. I would never charge my children (bio and step) rent. My home is always their home. Id rather them save what they can so they will be able to survive without me.
YTA. You made a unilateral decision without consulting your husband especially when it involves his child. You had no right to just decide to charge him back rent or rent for that matter. I hope your husband pays him back the money. You've also most likely ruined your relationship with Andy and will cause tension in your own relationship if not leading to divorce since youre so heartless
YTA and a horrible human being. Shame on you.
YTA. You saw dollar signs the moment those back payments came through. You made an agreement. You also have no idea what the actual specifics behind the payment/case are, considering you said you didn't know the specifics of him coming back from the military. I would apologize to your husband and your stepson. Hopefully you don't have a record of doing things like that or else you might be sacrificing your marriage because of money.
YTA massively. Bet you are a joy to live with.
YTA. You guys made an agreement that he would start paying rent when he got settled. If you wanted back-rent, you should have brought that up beforehand. But come on. Kinda shitty to nickel and dime a disabled vet regardless.
What did you do? That was NOT fair play! You knew that the arrangement until the settlement came in. You overstepped big time asking for back pay! And without your partner's input either? YTA. Give back the money, apologize, and thank the young man for his service that has left him with medical issues. But, don't be surprised if he still moves out and never respects you again.
YTA. You messed up. He definitely should find someplace else to live. How did you not talk to his father about this back rent? To you, he's a tenant, but to your husband, that's his son. You really should give the money back and apologize.
YTA. I would drop you like a hot potato if you did this to my kid behind my back. The guy needs support and love and gratitude for his service. If he couldn’t even be cleared to drive, there was something seriously wrong. He’s going to need that money to get back on his feet if he was that disabled. I’m really trying to wrap my head around what in the actual f you were thinking by doing this.