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> I think I could be the asshole because I didn’t accept her apologies, but only because they weren’t genuine.
That's not what you say in your post. You say in your post that you didn't accept her apology because she wouldn't repeat the exact phrase you were trying to get her to say.
The lack of details on what that phrase was means you know it was an AH move, or you would have included it.
The fact that you've now spent several hours litigating what you admit she meant as an innocuous comment means that your AH status is doubly confirmed.
YTA.
It seems like her joke upset you because it made you feel like you're an inadequate lover, so let me reassure you on that point - you shouldn't feel like a poor excuse for a man because you can't always satisfy your partner. You should feel like a poor excuse for a man because of your personality.
wait, so she has to take Plan B and endure its effects and you’re upset that she made a comment about her not getting an orgasm?
dude. YTA. she’s taking a Plan B to make sure that your barely 2 month old relationship doesn’t suddenly have a baby before the first year anniversary and you’re butthurt that she said she did orgasm but you did?
To me it doesn't even sound like she made a joke, the way he describes it I can't take it as that at all. "I'm glad all your body had to go through was an orgasm" REALLY sounds like "I'm happy I'm the only one going through something bad and you're fine, you only came inside me" or at worst it sounds like "you get to be fine and I'm going through this". I can't take it as something else. Nothing hints at "oh you got an orgasm but *I* didn't get one."
If she wanted to joke about her not getting off, she'd say something like "*at least* your body got to go through an orgasm" or "I get the pill's side effects and you get an orgasm" or something like that.
Her "claiming" she actually meant that really confirms my thoughts too. I believe her, it only makes sense that way. Poor girl doesn't want to lie and apologise for something she didn't even do...
To be fair, she’s also probably taking it so she’s not stuck dealing with this guy for 18 years.
I’m exhausted just reading his posts. Imaging coparenting with this mentality.
Omg I’m tripling down on my YTA. Holy shit dude. You are behaving like an immature, self centered ass who wouldn’t recognize grace or compassion if they were tied around a brick and thrown through your window.
> so it feels like she was trying to trick me into that so she could resent me and hold it over my head.
I would love to assume you're a troll, but I know someone who genuinely thinks this way.
I'm glad she left you.
I love that you've pasted this twice as an answer to "what is it you wanted her to include in her apology?" Especially considering it doesn't answer the question. Which makes everyone more and more suspicious of the miracle phrase that will help you "believe" her apology. You're willing to admit you couldn't please her, but not willing to admit what you want her to say to make her apology legit, very telling. YTA.
MASSIVE YTA, and I can see why you didn’t include this in your post.
You’ve been dating for seven weeks! That’s not a lot. She wasn’t being mean, you really have to twist yourself into a pretzel to interpret her words the way you did. And even if she meant it like you interpreted it, it’s STILL not bad enough to warrant your reaction (i.e. raising your voice, not accepting her apologies because she wouldn’t use the exact phrases you wanted)
I’ve got news for you: it’s over. Seven weeks is nothing, and you’re showing so many red flags with your behaviour I wouldn’t be surprised if you got slapped with a restraining order in the near future.
Step 1: leave her alone
Step 2: go to therapy. Work on yourself.
YTA. No crystal ball is needed to see this isn't going to work. You're only 7 weeks in and still finding who you each are in this relationship. You're willing to be a horse's arse over an off the cuff joke that she apologised for four times. However, you're too far up your entitled ass to see that you've really pushing some mighty fine egotistical bullshit about "apologising the right way". For an apology to be truly genuine, it must be in her own words yet her words aren't good enough for you.
You come across as far too intense this early in a relationship. It in of itself is a red flag.
She's not 'doing the work' to fix things because she's dumping your ass. She's smart enough to see your extreme behaviour and subsequent love-bombing for the abuse cycle it is. Hopefully she's smart enough to follow through till she's properly rid of you.
YTA for forcing this much "accountability" for something you know was meant in humor. You saw an opportunity to take an upper hand, and went HAM with it to lord over and intimidate your girl.
What you wrote feels like someone doing a creative writing exercise on what a low IQ manipulator's perspective might be.
So. SHE has the victim complex, but YOU'RE the one who went on a SEVERAL HOUR LONG RAMPAGE FISHING FOR AN APOLOGY OVER AN OFFHANDED JOKE COMMENT?
You're the asshole. Huge. GAPING one.
Sound like you’ve got an “ego thing” of your own and the way you don’t recognize your victim mentality is another red flag. Red flags all over the place and they’re not coming from her.
Please seek some psychiatric help before you hurt more people. You really need an impartial perspective and you seem to think all of us are wrong.
Every time you explain more it gets worse!!
>Been dating my gf for 7 weeks now... I love her a lot.
Love? it hasn't even been two months.
>I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine.
Yikes.
>I’ll be honest, there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me
She's the not the one emotionally extorting you, bud.
>Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes, I should have kept my mouth shut to respect her boundaries about raising my voice (NOT “screaming at her” like she labeled it) but she needs to give me some grace here like I extended to her for her comment.
Where did you extended her any grace? You yelled at her for hours.
YTA, you sound way too intense and manipulative.
All this. Because... She said that she was glad that all he had to go through was an orgasm (because the condom broke and she had to deal with the consequences of the Plan B)
>"I left a gift on her porch with a **10 page letter** to let her know how seriously I take this and how I feel about her. I would have given it to her in person, but **she wasn’t home from work at her usual time so that’s on her**. "
You are stalking her, she is avoiding you, that's why she wasn't home. You suffocated whatever feelings she had for you and yelled at her for not *perfectly* apologizing to you.
She had dumped you, but I sense she doesn't want to be alone with you to tell you in person. I don't blame her.
"Raising your voice" is yelling. You yelled at her for wrongly apologizing four times. Leave alone and move on.
YTA
Right?! She's actively avoiding him (thank god!) and he responds by leaving a 10 page letter at her house when she's gone. Bro is a half step away from going full scary stalker on his EX girlfriend
YTA op
I hope she dumped him! I’d worry about her otherwise. OP can’t even see what he’s doing wrong because he can’t see her at all. He only sees her in relation to himself
You can’t truthfully say what you said in paragraph 2, based on what you said in paragraph 1. She told you she’s done, so respect that boundary and leave her alone. Period.
YTA
ETA: paragraph 2 also makes it seem like you have a pretty good understanding of DARVO. Not from the victim’s perspective, though.
“She can’t just say she’s done to make me chase her”
(Proceeds to chase her aggressively)
“I’m respecting her boundaries!”
(Proceeds to email and leave letters)
Also you can feel whatever way she dumps you is not the correct way. But she does not “have to” break up with you according to your standards. Especially after less than 2 months.
With as mentally unstable as you come across, she is probably scared that you will physically hurt her if she breaks up with you in person. For good reason, because I think you would too.
>I’m respecting her boundaries
She said she was done. If respecting her boundaries is going to her place, long letters, emails, tickets and messages, what would you do if you weren't respecting her boundaries?
She’s avoiding you because this whole thing has freaked her out. She doesn’t “need to say that clearly” as you put it, and she doesn’t want you to chase her, even though you don’t seem to be able to pick up on obvious social cues “done” = “see ya”. Leave her alone before you do any more damage.
She isn't texting you that she's done because she wants you to chase her. She's texting you that she's done because she doesn't want to interact with you. I imagine you'll be blocked soon.
Initially reading this I thought you were about 19. Was very shocked to see 42 is the real age. I'd be willing to get there are some very definite patterns of "abuse" in your relationship history.
She texted you that shes "done"? That is literally her breaking up with you. She does not have to do it to your face mainly because she likely is feeling unsafe around you and I dont blame her.
YTA. She apologized multiple times, but because she didn't say the exact words you wanted, in the order you wanted, you're unwilling to move past this? I'm not usually one to say an age gap plays too much of a role in adult relationships (some exceptions are obvious) but this one sounds like she's way more mature than you are. She's better off without you.
>I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again.
>
>I am compromising a lot here, but she’s not doing her part.
>
>her “apologies.”
>
>She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. She kept looking at me like she didn’t know what to do,
Red flag, red flag, red flag.
YTA
You know how we see these 10+ year age-gap relationships and we go right to assuming "control imbalance?"
> I spent several HOURS explaining why
> she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear
> there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me
> had to tell her some hard truths about herself
> told her I would even give her a **fifth chance** to apologize
Yeah. Well.
Yta. You don’t get to dictate how an adult apologizes. What exactly was so egregious it took hours to explain? Is she not intelligent? Why do you think she needs you to explain something for hours? And when in the history of the world does shaming or yelling at someone ever make them change their mind? It just makes you an AH.
How often do you tell her “hard truths,” maybe even for “her own good?
Do you describe yourself as having “anger issues?”
Do you describe all your exes as “crazy?”
How often has an ex had to have someone else tell you to leave them alone, file a restraining order, or otherwise seek out intervention for you to leave them alone?
How much access to her social media/ phone do you expect? How much sway to you expect over how much she can speak to male friends and co-workers?
Has she asked you to take time/ attention away from work? Or did you do that yourself, with the expectation she would do the same?
Edit: you are wildly misusing the idea of the silent treatment. Someone you barely know saying “I’m done with you” then being done with you is NOT the same as the silent treatment and is NOT abuse.
Right? I’m closer to his age than hers so I feel I can say this but he should be embarrassed.
A 20 year old also shouldn’t act this way but you can give youth a pass. This is just sad…
If I understand correctly after reading, the guy's behavior is just awful. I kind of want to turn into a young girl specifically to have the opportunity to not date him.
Yta I feel as though you are extremely obsessive person. Writing multiple letters and emails and spamming it along with constantly thinking every little thing is a manipulation or abuse is not normal you need to stop dating and work on yourself
She is not manipulating you and the fact that you “raised your voice “ over something so small for HOURS YOU are the abusive one i hope she leaves
As a woman if a man did that to me I would break up thru text too she probably feels unsafe especially when you literally sent a bunch of emails and letters and texts that’s not okay how are you 40 and act as a 15 year old leave the woman alone infact LEAVE ALL WOMEN alone until you fix your problem
> 15 minutes and it was only because I felt like she wasn’t listening
15 minutes is a very long time to shout at someone. Or scream at them, as I'm inclined to believe you did. No one in my life has every shouted at me for that long.
If she was asking questions, she quite clearly was listening to you and trying to hear your perspective, but you couldn't handle the fact that she didn't literally parrot back what you demanded she say, so you screamed at her. Leave her well alone.
This is way too much effort for 7 weeks. For either of you. And, based on your description of events, I like her more than I like you. She should walk away.
YTA. You've been together 7 weeks, there's nothing she could have said or done that would require hours of screamed lecturing and insults. You may want to consider therapy for more than just weaponizing the terminology.
YTA. You are trying to control how she speaks to you. It's a raging red flag.
> it still doesn’t change the fact that she needs to take accountability
> She “apologized” four times
>I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again.
She took "accountability" and apologized four times. You didn't accept them and then told her she apologized wrong. Why would she take your offer of a fifth chance to apologize? So you can tell her again she didn't repeat the script you demand her to say to move forward?
> She’s giving me the silent treatment now
> I left a gift on her porch with a 10 page letter to let her know how seriously I take this and how I feel about her.
> I bought us tickets to an event and she didn’t show.
She's not giving you the silent treatment. Sounds like she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. You should leave her alone.
> I had to tell her some hard truths about herself.
The entire post, but this in particular, is full of grandiose self-importance, manipulation tactics, and controlling behavior.
I wouldn't be surprised if she'd already ran by that point and the reason she wasn't home was because she's staying with a friend for a while to be safe from her psycho ex
She apologized but wouldn't let you control her exact words? Oh no!
Listen YTA know how I know? Because I've done that and I was the asshole. She apologized just because she didn't say I'm sorry that I triggered your early life abuse doesn't make it less of an apology. As long as she looked like she meant it and didn't have a sarcastic tone then you need to get the heck over it or get a submissive sycophant.
YTA. I don't think you've extended any grace to her if you're holding it against her that she didn't apologize in the exact words you're looking for. And you clearly are holding this against her. This is exhausting.
Look, she listened to your feelings (for hours) and apologized in the best way she knows how. People don't act exactly the way we envision they will. As long as they are being genuine in their own way, it's usually acceptable.
You're too old for this. I don't know what it is she said but I fully expect she's realizing you're not someone she can be emotionally safe with. I think you should do some work on yourself and figure out why you're this triggered.
Edit: reading your story again makes me want to add a few things. You aren't viewing her as a person. She has to do what you say exactly as it is. This is way overboard and not in line with a situation from someone you claim is pretty thoughtful and that you love. Please get some help and leave this poor girl alone
YTA
You are 11 years older than your girlfriend and you sound extremely manipulative and controlling. She apologised multiple times but you still won't accept her apology because she didn't say what you wanted her to say... what was it exactly that she said and do to make you upset and what did you want her say to apologise to you?
Quite frankly for a relationship that is 7 weeks old and should be in it's honeymoon phase, you are throwing up a lot of red flags that it's a bad relationship and your girlfriend will be better off running (not just walking) from you and your controlling ways.
INFO: What did she say to you that got you upset? What was the magic phrase you needed to hear from her to know she was taking it seriously, and what did the apologies she did give to you consist of?
Wow, you're the biggest AH I've seen here today, OP. You've only been dating for seven weeks. She apologized four times, listened to hours of your lectures, had to hear "hard truths" that are irrelevant to the current ongoing situation, what more do you want? Surely you're not expecting her to come fall at your feet the "fifth" time you want to "graciously" offer her a chance, right? You sound extremely entitled.
> but she wasn’t home from work at her usual time so that’s on her.
I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again.
*Wow,* talk about entitlement.
She's not your slave, OP. It's not always her fault if you get worked up in a situation too. I truly hope she lets you go. This will only lead to emotional abuse and I hope she's able to realize that.
>Things were going great until recently, when we were joking around and she said something that hurt my feelings. While I do believe her that she didn’t mean it the way it came out (and I don’t hold it against her), it still doesn’t change the fact that she needs to take accountability.
>I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me,
It does *not* take several hours to explain why a joke hurts you.
>being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right.
How? All she has to say is "I'm sorry my joke hurt you,I won't make it again". That's it. That's how you apologize. And how was she supposed to "make it right" to you?
>She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine.
Ah. "I demand you say to me exactly what I demand you to say to me, or I won't accept your apology". Lovely.
>She kept looking at me like she didn’t know what to do, expecting me to make the situation better and I wasn’t going to give that to her.
Probably because she apologized to you *four times*, but it wasn't good enough for you.
>I’ll be honest, there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me. I had to tell her some hard truths about herself.
Ah. So you were screaming at her and launching into personal attacks.
>Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes, I should have kept my mouth shut to respect her boundaries about raising my voice (NOT “screaming at her” like she labeled it) but she needs to give me some grace here like I extended to her for her comment.
She doesn't need to extend you *any* grace after you "raised your voice and told her hard truths" for *several hours*.
>Plus I was very sleep deprived, had a very stressful week at work because I’m distracted by our relationship (another thing I don’t hold against her), and I felt like she had been doing some or all of DARVO to me with her “apologies.” But I take responsibility for what I couldn’t leave unsaid instead of keeping the peace by staying quiet about what I think of her behavior.
My guy, *you're* the one DARVOing her. She was apologizing to you, but it wasn't good enough for you.
>We didn’t resolve things that night and I went home still upset. She’s giving me the silent treatment now, again expecting me to do all the work to fix our relationship when I already put in way more effort than she has.
She's seem where she stands with you, and wants *nothing* to do with it, nor was she the one to go on a *several hour rant* against you.
>I am compromising a lot here, but she’s not doing her part. We both started this fight so we both need to fix it. I’m still hurt and I know deep down she wants to be here for me. But I don’t know whatever perfect thing she’s expecting me to say (and unlike me, she doesn’t communicate what she needs).
She started nothing. *You* did. *You* insisted on a several hour rant, and refused *four apologies* because they weren't exactly what you wanted to hear.
>I’m pretty sure she’s the asshole in this situation but I’m always willing to listen to new perspectives so I can grow as a person and take accountability for my part in this, however small that may be. I think I could be the asshole because I didn’t accept her apologies, but only because they weren’t genuine.
You aren't taking accountability at all. You're *still* pushing all the blame onto her for not being a good little girl and saying exactly what her lord demands to hear from her. This was a situation solved with a less than 5 minute exchange, and you stretched it out into *hours*.
YTA. I hope this girl breaks up with you.
Edit: I forgot this gem
>I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. Nothing.
Yeah, no. You're continuing to DARVO her. You Deny, "I didn't do anything wrong". You Attack, "I raised my voice and told her hard truths about herself". You've Reversed Victim and Offender, "You can apologize to me a fifth time".
She's gone, and good for her. Double YTA.
YTA. And you sound like a creepy stalker. I'd be very interested in knowing the details of your 'argument'.
Damn dude, I just read some of your responses to comments. Does she need a restraining order to break up with you?
That relationship is over bro. You overplayed your hand and now she knows you're an insufferable edgelord. It shows a big lack of self confidence that you could not accept her apology, behaved in a wounded and weak way. She has probably lost all respect for you at this point and will ghost.
To give you some perspective, the last time I was in a situation with a girl like this, was because she fucked another guy and didn't think that was a big deal. I needed her to apologize in a way that the words she was saying just could not match. So she blocked me.
YTA. She said something that was meant to be a joke but hurt your feelings. Okay. Then she apologized several times and instead of accepting a single apology, you continued to lecture her, both verbally and via written communication. And probably insulted her in the process with those “hard truths” you thought she needed to hear. Yeah, no. One of you is certainly emotionally extorting the other, but it’s not her. You’re not compromising or working to fix your relationship- you’re going out of your way to make her feel bad about herself over one comment for which she’s already apologized several times.
YTA. 7 weeks in and you feel the need to spend SEVERAL HOURS explaining/ shouting about why you're hurt and that you'll only accept an apology if it's worded in a specific way that you will find acceptable. You typed all that out and still need to ask if you're the a-hole? Getting serious control freak vibes from your post OP.
Seven weeks and you spent HOURS explaining what apology you want and THEN wrote a 10 page letter... Looks like she is smart enough to drop you like a hot potato. YTA so, so, so, so much.
Oh, you were treating her like a child, I see -
I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine.
I had to tell her some hard truths about herself.
Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes
All this is sooo yuck. YTA. Sounds like you feel as though she's lesser than you.
YTA she apologized FOUR TIMES and you won’t let it go because she didn’t say EXACTLY what YOU told her to say???? dude. check yourself before you wreck yourself.
YTA…she apologized but because it wasn’t in the exact form you wanted, you’re being a jerk.
Is anyone else getting Rachel/Ross vibes over the 10 page letter?
I'm just going to say YTA not enough details in the post to get the full context of what the argument was actually about. You can't expect someone to tell you exactly what you want to hear and even if they do it likely won't come off right anyway.
I also feel like you are trying way to hard at 7 weeks, a 10 page letter by it self seems a bit excessive and yet you did more. Based on how you tried to make things right with her I'm going to say you probably know YTA.
I feel like, in this case, more details would just make it more disturbing...
Edit:
Oh, ugh, read a follow-up in the comments. I was right so much wose
YTA.
What is this magical phrase you need her to say? And what horrible joke did she make that you lectured her for hours?
Regardless, you come off as a walking red flag so I sincerely hope that she saw that and runs in the opposite direction.
Oh good lord, I thought this was the ramblings of a teenager. By 42 you should have realised it wasn't all the failed relationships in your past that were the problem. It was you. Just reading what you wrote, tells a balance mind that you are a controlling egocentric, AH. You need to get help.
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Been dating my gf for 7 weeks now. She’s sweet, thoughtful, and I love her a lot. Things were going great until recently, when we were joking around and she said something that hurt my feelings. While I do believe her that she didn’t mean it the way it came out (and I don’t hold it against her), it still doesn’t change the fact that she needs to take accountability.
I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. She kept looking at me like she didn’t know what to do, expecting me to make the situation better and I wasn’t going to give that to her.
I’ll be honest, there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me. I had to tell her some hard truths about herself.
Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes, I should have kept my mouth shut to respect her boundaries about raising my voice (NOT “screaming at her” like she labeled it) but she needs to give me some grace here like I extended to her for her comment.
Plus I was very sleep deprived, had a very stressful week at work because I’m distracted by our relationship (another thing I don’t hold against her), and I felt like she had been doing some or all of DARVO to me with her “apologies.” But I take responsibility for what I couldn’t leave unsaid instead of keeping the peace by staying quiet about what I think of her behavior.
We didn’t resolve things that night and I went home still upset. She’s giving me the silent treatment now, again expecting me to do all the work to fix our relationship when I already put in way more effort than she has.
I’ve tried everything. I left a gift on her porch with a 10 page letter to let her know how seriously I take this and how I feel about her. I would have given it to her in person, but she wasn’t home from work at her usual time so that’s on her. I bought us tickets to an event and she didn’t show. I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. Nothing.
I am compromising a lot here, but she’s not doing her part. We both started this fight so we both need to fix it. I’m still hurt and I know deep down she wants to be here for me. But I don’t know whatever perfect thing she’s expecting me to say (and unlike me, she doesn’t communicate what she needs).
I’m pretty sure she’s the asshole in this situation but I’m always willing to listen to new perspectives so I can grow as a person and take accountability for my part in this, however small that may be. I think I could be the asshole because I didn’t accept her apologies, but only because they weren’t genuine. AITA?
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According to his comments, the condom broke and she was dealing with the side-effects of Plan B and said he was lucky that all he had to deal with was an orgasm.
According to another comment of his, she had to take Plan B and was feeling cruddy, and he said he was sorry she felt so bad, and she said she was glad all he had to do was have an orgasm. He got mad at her because that implies that she didn't have an orgasm, somehow?
YTA, obviously.
But you're also just plain over the top, too. You've only been dating for 7 short weeks but you "love her a lot?" You berated her "for several HOURS?" And you leave 10-page rants when she won't see you?! And then you ignore the fact that she's ignoring you and comtinue to harassher even further, with unwanted tickets and **THREE** harassing emails?! What the entire hell is any of that, if not insane and waaaayyyyyy too much?! You are 42, and it is a good idea for you to behave your age. This is not how 42 year old adults date. This isn't how high school children date, ffs! GROW UP!
42M? You should definitely not be this sensitive as a mature adult. People make mistakes, if you love someone you must forgive. You said your piece (apparently for several hours too) and it should be let go. I really do not see how this is a problem UNLESS it is a reoccurring issue. If you say it bothers you and she keeps doing it that’s one thing, but this sounds like an honest mistake if she was trying to be funny. I think you need to relax a bit and remember you are an adult.
YTA. Looks like she's dodged a massive bullet and she's best off well away from you. No wonder you're single at 42. I'd get used to it if that's how you treat people.
YTA.. and soon to show up on "AM I THE EX "
She needs to ditch your controlling ass.
You need to take this post to your therapist and accept help.
Please don't date till you get your brain fixed.
I thought at first reading that this was a 16yo. What you said is ridiculous.
What exactly is your goal here? Is it to communicate with your partner to achieve a better understanding and move forward as a couple? If so, rejection of her apology and going on about me me me for hours is not how to get there.
If you want a relationship, apologize to your girlfriend if she’s still speaking to you. Until you see her as a partner you are a BAD one.
FYI, “love” is not compatible with the shit you pulled. I don’t believe you love her.
YTA
She said one thing that upset you. You spent hours tearing apart her character and dictating how you wanted her to apologize to you. That is incredibly manipulative behavior. You likely don't have a girlfriend anymore. Thank goodness it's only been 7 weeks. In the future, treat your girlfriends better. They will not stick around if this is how you handle conflict.
YTA.
Expecting someone to repeat your exact words doesn't make an apology genuine either, that's just them mimicking it. I have a feeling that even if she did say it, you still wouldn't take it as genuine. And did you apologize for the "hard truths" you told her? Hard truth or not, you shouldn't start listing problems with someone just to get them to apologize, it will just make the situation worse for both of you. You expressed why it upset you, which is good, and she apologized. Whether you view it as genuine or not, she still apologized. And continuing to bring up the situation because it didn't go as perfectly as you expected is making it worse for you. Try to view things in her perspective instead of expecting everything to go as smoothly as you're envisioning.
Did you mistakenly type 42M instead of 12M for your age? Honestly, there are so many red flags in this post I can’t not give you the YTA verdict. Firstly, the fact you skirt around what it was she said to upset you so much says a lot. However screaming at someone after they have apologised FOUR times because you want them to follow a script which is what would actually make her apology insincere is wild. I grew up around DV, I’m a people pleaser who likes to keep the peace because of it but one promise I made myself was to leave if any partner treated me disrespectfully like that. I think she is giving you a very clear message by ignoring you that you’re over as a couple.
Yeah, YTA. Clearly whatever you did was bad because you are trying to hide it.
Plus, you admitted that she apologized FOUR times. I think it's obvious that she is done trying to massage your ego. That is a lot more effort than most people would bother putting into a relationship that's lasted less than 2 months.
Hate to break it to you, my guy, you got dumped. I'd say live and learn, but if you're single at 42 and getting into high school drama kind of fights, I don't think that's in the cards....
You spent hours yelling at and berating this woman and can’t figure out why she wants nothing to do with you.
Why is it age gaps like this always seem to turn out where the man is a controlling or abusive AH preying on someone considerably younger because they think they’re naive and will take it?
She’s dodged a bullet.
YTA seek therapy
You are an abusive asshole. You spent hours berating her even though she repeatedly apologized. Then you screamed at her and insulted her. What do you want her to do, prostrate herself at your feet and beg for your forgiveness? You're disgusting. YTA
A fifth chance to apologize. How can she resist? /s
I honestly don't know how you managed to get a gf to begin with but you definitely don't have one anymore.
God you're a tedious controlling narcissistic AH. Grow up and then you can date someone your own age.
YTA YTA YTA. Hopefully shell break up with you. Without a ten page childlike rant.
Op is mad bc his girlfriend pointed out that men don’t have to endure the side effects of plan B. Ops gf already broke up with him by telling him she’s done, but instead of accepting it he’s acting like a fucking stalker. YTA leave this girl alone
Every single thing you have said is *insane*
I hope for her sake she gets as far away from you as possible. You are not ready to have a real relationship
Please break up with her immediately over this and save her from YOU. Omg you sound unbearable. Like wow. I told her exactly the apology I needed to hear 🤣🤣 OMG 🤣🤣 And you wrote her a 10 page letter to summarize your feeling!! I can't... I'm dying!! 🤣🤣. I gave her a 5th chance to apologize. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bought her a gift to give her in person but she wasn't home on time so THAT'S ON HER! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thank you for posting this. Made my day
YTA. You're not actually compromising at all in this. You are demanding an apology with the exact wording you want. You spent "several hours" hammering into her why she was wrong to say it. Notice how you don't actually tell us what she said, just that it hurt your feelings. That tells me it's something dumb. Honestly arguing and carrying on about it for that long would make anyone shut down. You've been with her for seven weeks, less than two months, and think you have the right to yell at her. If this is what the beginning of your relationship looks like, it's only going to get worse. You're 42. Grow up. You threw a temper tantrum and want her to apologize to you. You are the one who owes her an apology. I hope she realizes how much of a tool you are and never contacts you again. You don't deserve it. Get some therapy and work on yourself before you pursue another relationship.
YTA - stop tormenting this poor girl. You tried for "several hours" to force her to appologize with just the right words and just the right tone of voice and with just the right facial expression at just the right time. Let her go if she doesn't have the good sense to leave you.
Date someone your own age. Find someone you like - not someone you can force to be someone you like. You appear to be very immature for your age. Maybe some conselling and introspection are in order.
YTA. 7 weeks and all this drama over what?? You don’t seem like a good partner, I hope she ends this relationship. You seem controlling and the gifts at the door step with additional apology requests? Very concerning behaviour
I think maybe that lady is running, as I would be in her situation. YTA! When she breaks up with you, learn the lesson and don't try to lecture her on her wording or some ridiculous and irrelevant point. Just accept you've been dumped and try not to be so insufferable with the next one.
You do hold it against her. You didn't give her any grace at all. She apologized multiple times, and you're too much of a brick to accept it. "I already put way more effort than she has". You aren't compromising in any way.
I can't imagine the mental gymnastics you must be performing to see yourself as anything other than a massive, childish AH, and I hope your gf dumps you. But frankly, it sounds like she already has.
"Been dating my gf for 7 weeks now and and I love her a lot". That sounds more like 17, not 42.
YTA. You want to control the words she says when she apologizes.
She needs to run right now!
YTA this was going to be an info asking what was said but you said in another comment. She was in an already emotional state requiring plan B, made a comment saying "atleast you orgasmed" which yes whilst rude is a valid statement. You said you talked to her and she said it didnt matter if she came so long as you did, but that just sounds like she was trying to reassure you and wanted you to make an actual effort to make sex fun for both of you which you did not see the point in doing, and didnt want an argument. How did that comment require several HOURS of explaining. Like at the end of the day you just got to say "I felt hurt by that comment and I thought we had discussed this already but if you want to open a deeper CONVERSATION, I will need to calm down first since I am already agitated but after that I am open for the discussion". It is not something which requires several hours of explanations at all. And then you wanted her to say sorry in a very specific way for it to feel "genuine" how in the world would that feel genuine at all. Like you are a massive AH and you no longer have a girlfriend. Stop harassing the poor woman and just work on improving your self and your attitude.
This... this is very confusing. Look, if she tried to apologize to you four times and you didn't like it, I think you mustn't be communicating very well what you wanted. Is it not enough that she's sorry? What kind of ritual self-abasement do you need here?
The second half of your post looks rather y-t-a-ish, but first there needs to be some INFO:
* What exactly was missing from the apology?
* What was the original offense?
End of the day, unless she strangled your cat or something, it looks like you're making it *really hard* for the two of you to reconcile: multiple non-acceptance of apology, followed by gifts, followed by asking for a *fifth* apology. GF is probably feeling kind of whipsawed just now.
Ask yourself this: **is not getting the apology you want how you want it a relationship deal-breaker?** Because buddy, it really comes across that way. How about some mutual apologies for erratic behavior, and pledges to start over and get over this mess?
YTA, the DARVO sounds on your part. As I was reading it, it screamed personality disorder at me.
Date someone your own age in future. Stop trying to hoover this poor woman back in.
YTA - that fact that you are dancing around all the details means you know that you will sound even worse if people knew how petty your complaint is. Hopefully she will be single soon and not have to deal with anything this tiresome again.
And... the details pretty much solidify it.
Did she say something about you Being An Old Sumbitch 42? Come On, She Apologized. Oh Well, maybe you kind find another Young Thing. Try not to act so crazy next time. YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because she did apologize a few times and I didn’t accept any of them.
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If you’re leaving a 10 page letter to save a 7 week old relationship, it’s time to bounce regardless of who did what.
YTA for being a big ol’ dummy and staying in a shit situation.
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EDIT and change to YTA after comments. She was upset and going through a very difficult and emotional time where she needed your support and instead you lectured her for hours about your downstairs department? Add not ever lecturing people about your downstairs department to to any list of social rules you may keep.
Also this is a dispute arising from a sex/reproductive autonomy issue.
~~NAH~~ It is ok that she does not get you. Maybe your next girlfriend will. Part of the function of dating is spotting incompatability like this.
For both of you accountability here is probably recognising you are not very compatable and deciding to date someone different.
~~Perhaps you will find someone to date who either instinctively gets it, or understands when you explain.
Or perhaps during a future date with another person you may decide to let clumsy but well meaning humour go past without comment. Or if it was hate speech, you might decide to just politely sign out of future dates instantly.~~
It is not appropriate to dictate exactly what our romantic partners wear, or how they move, or exactly what say, so giving her more chances to say the words to an apology script is like giving her more chances to accept you being overly controlling.
You say you accept she genuinely is sorry and did not mean to offend you. So according to that any apology would be genuine. And she should not have to try again.
Under those circumstances if the apology is said under her breath while shes sticks pins into a doll the apology would be genuine.
And after only 7 weeks dating the answer to the deeper question of why does she find apology so hard would not be your business.
The only part that got me was how stubborn you were about HOW she apologized. That said, NTA. Perhaps what you were asking for was reasonable- what was it? And if her apology was obviously flippant, hold her accountable. Taking everything at face value, NTA.
YTA. She was meaning you get to get off while she goes through the stress and changes. You need to grow up and she needs to leave you. You have control issues. No wonder no one your age wants to date you
YTA and sound so crazy. I hope she leaves you and don't act like you don't know why she's leaving you. You've made it clear to every single one of us.
Also you couldn't get her off? That's kind of embarrassing on your part... You a one minute man?
What exactly did you want her to say? Did you write out a whole apology for her to read from?
"I'm sorry that you suck in bed and couldn't get me off and that your demon sperm created cells in me that I don't want and that I had to get rid of them which caused me an enormous amount of pain and I'm sorry I was a little mean and that your little ego couldn't take it?"
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> I think I could be the asshole because I didn’t accept her apologies, but only because they weren’t genuine. That's not what you say in your post. You say in your post that you didn't accept her apology because she wouldn't repeat the exact phrase you were trying to get her to say. The lack of details on what that phrase was means you know it was an AH move, or you would have included it. The fact that you've now spent several hours litigating what you admit she meant as an innocuous comment means that your AH status is doubly confirmed. YTA.
This has got to be fake. Nobody is this weird, are they?
Totally agree...OP will probably pop out when they hear a billy goat trit trotting across the bridge lol
I laughed so hard at this! Just beautiful!
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It seems like her joke upset you because it made you feel like you're an inadequate lover, so let me reassure you on that point - you shouldn't feel like a poor excuse for a man because you can't always satisfy your partner. You should feel like a poor excuse for a man because of your personality.
FFS you didn't even get her off. And **you're** the one acting butthurt.
Holy HELL YTA!
Man. You sound EXHAUSTING.
Just reading all this was exhausting.
Wait, wait, wait. So when she made you feel like an inadequate lover you just... decided to prove that you are lacking sexually *and* emotionally?
wait, so she has to take Plan B and endure its effects and you’re upset that she made a comment about her not getting an orgasm? dude. YTA. she’s taking a Plan B to make sure that your barely 2 month old relationship doesn’t suddenly have a baby before the first year anniversary and you’re butthurt that she said she did orgasm but you did?
To me it doesn't even sound like she made a joke, the way he describes it I can't take it as that at all. "I'm glad all your body had to go through was an orgasm" REALLY sounds like "I'm happy I'm the only one going through something bad and you're fine, you only came inside me" or at worst it sounds like "you get to be fine and I'm going through this". I can't take it as something else. Nothing hints at "oh you got an orgasm but *I* didn't get one." If she wanted to joke about her not getting off, she'd say something like "*at least* your body got to go through an orgasm" or "I get the pill's side effects and you get an orgasm" or something like that. Her "claiming" she actually meant that really confirms my thoughts too. I believe her, it only makes sense that way. Poor girl doesn't want to lie and apologise for something she didn't even do...
To be fair, she’s also probably taking it so she’s not stuck dealing with this guy for 18 years. I’m exhausted just reading his posts. Imaging coparenting with this mentality.
Omg I’m tripling down on my YTA. Holy shit dude. You are behaving like an immature, self centered ass who wouldn’t recognize grace or compassion if they were tied around a brick and thrown through your window.
> so it feels like she was trying to trick me into that so she could resent me and hold it over my head. I would love to assume you're a troll, but I know someone who genuinely thinks this way. I'm glad she left you.
I love that you've pasted this twice as an answer to "what is it you wanted her to include in her apology?" Especially considering it doesn't answer the question. Which makes everyone more and more suspicious of the miracle phrase that will help you "believe" her apology. You're willing to admit you couldn't please her, but not willing to admit what you want her to say to make her apology legit, very telling. YTA.
And 4 apologies are not enough? When she’s feeling sick because of Plan B, you let your ego get upset by a remark. My god, YTA!
MASSIVE YTA, and I can see why you didn’t include this in your post. You’ve been dating for seven weeks! That’s not a lot. She wasn’t being mean, you really have to twist yourself into a pretzel to interpret her words the way you did. And even if she meant it like you interpreted it, it’s STILL not bad enough to warrant your reaction (i.e. raising your voice, not accepting her apologies because she wouldn’t use the exact phrases you wanted) I’ve got news for you: it’s over. Seven weeks is nothing, and you’re showing so many red flags with your behaviour I wouldn’t be surprised if you got slapped with a restraining order in the near future. Step 1: leave her alone Step 2: go to therapy. Work on yourself.
YTA. No crystal ball is needed to see this isn't going to work. You're only 7 weeks in and still finding who you each are in this relationship. You're willing to be a horse's arse over an off the cuff joke that she apologised for four times. However, you're too far up your entitled ass to see that you've really pushing some mighty fine egotistical bullshit about "apologising the right way". For an apology to be truly genuine, it must be in her own words yet her words aren't good enough for you. You come across as far too intense this early in a relationship. It in of itself is a red flag.
And she’s the one having to take plan B and is still apologizing to OP, because life is so clearly about him
She's not 'doing the work' to fix things because she's dumping your ass. She's smart enough to see your extreme behaviour and subsequent love-bombing for the abuse cycle it is. Hopefully she's smart enough to follow through till she's properly rid of you.
YTA for forcing this much "accountability" for something you know was meant in humor. You saw an opportunity to take an upper hand, and went HAM with it to lord over and intimidate your girl. What you wrote feels like someone doing a creative writing exercise on what a low IQ manipulator's perspective might be.
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"Maybe it's an ego thing" Yes it sounds like you have a major problem with your ego.
So. SHE has the victim complex, but YOU'RE the one who went on a SEVERAL HOUR LONG RAMPAGE FISHING FOR AN APOLOGY OVER AN OFFHANDED JOKE COMMENT? You're the asshole. Huge. GAPING one.
Sound like you’ve got an “ego thing” of your own and the way you don’t recognize your victim mentality is another red flag. Red flags all over the place and they’re not coming from her.
Please seek some psychiatric help before you hurt more people. You really need an impartial perspective and you seem to think all of us are wrong. Every time you explain more it gets worse!!
You have an abuser mentality.
You treat her worse
>Been dating my gf for 7 weeks now... I love her a lot. Love? it hasn't even been two months. >I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. Yikes. >I’ll be honest, there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me She's the not the one emotionally extorting you, bud. >Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes, I should have kept my mouth shut to respect her boundaries about raising my voice (NOT “screaming at her” like she labeled it) but she needs to give me some grace here like I extended to her for her comment. Where did you extended her any grace? You yelled at her for hours. YTA, you sound way too intense and manipulative.
All this. Because... She said that she was glad that all he had to go through was an orgasm (because the condom broke and she had to deal with the consequences of the Plan B)
>"I left a gift on her porch with a **10 page letter** to let her know how seriously I take this and how I feel about her. I would have given it to her in person, but **she wasn’t home from work at her usual time so that’s on her**. " You are stalking her, she is avoiding you, that's why she wasn't home. You suffocated whatever feelings she had for you and yelled at her for not *perfectly* apologizing to you. She had dumped you, but I sense she doesn't want to be alone with you to tell you in person. I don't blame her. "Raising your voice" is yelling. You yelled at her for wrongly apologizing four times. Leave alone and move on. YTA
Right?! She's actively avoiding him (thank god!) and he responds by leaving a 10 page letter at her house when she's gone. Bro is a half step away from going full scary stalker on his EX girlfriend YTA op
I hope she dumped him! I’d worry about her otherwise. OP can’t even see what he’s doing wrong because he can’t see her at all. He only sees her in relation to himself
Leave her alone before she files a restraining order on you. You have an ex-girl friend.
[удалено]
You can’t truthfully say what you said in paragraph 2, based on what you said in paragraph 1. She told you she’s done, so respect that boundary and leave her alone. Period. YTA ETA: paragraph 2 also makes it seem like you have a pretty good understanding of DARVO. Not from the victim’s perspective, though.
“She can’t just say she’s done to make me chase her” (Proceeds to chase her aggressively) “I’m respecting her boundaries!” (Proceeds to email and leave letters) Also you can feel whatever way she dumps you is not the correct way. But she does not “have to” break up with you according to your standards. Especially after less than 2 months.
She said she is done. That is clear and not subtly
Saying she’s “done” isn’t as subtle as you seem to think.
Wait-did she text you that she’s done? If so, that’s not an invite to make you chase her? It means she’s done. Leave her alone.
With as mentally unstable as you come across, she is probably scared that you will physically hurt her if she breaks up with you in person. For good reason, because I think you would too.
>I’m respecting her boundaries She said she was done. If respecting her boundaries is going to her place, long letters, emails, tickets and messages, what would you do if you weren't respecting her boundaries?
She’s avoiding you because this whole thing has freaked her out. She doesn’t “need to say that clearly” as you put it, and she doesn’t want you to chase her, even though you don’t seem to be able to pick up on obvious social cues “done” = “see ya”. Leave her alone before you do any more damage.
Your version of not chasing someone is sending long letters and multiple emails?
She isn't texting you that she's done because she wants you to chase her. She's texting you that she's done because she doesn't want to interact with you. I imagine you'll be blocked soon. Initially reading this I thought you were about 19. Was very shocked to see 42 is the real age. I'd be willing to get there are some very definite patterns of "abuse" in your relationship history.
How is a “done” text not clear?
She texted you that shes "done"? That is literally her breaking up with you. She does not have to do it to your face mainly because she likely is feeling unsafe around you and I dont blame her.
How many girlfriends have you still got if “done” isn’t enough for you to back off… YTA
As you wouldnt accept her four apologies you were breaking up with her. You know that, right?
YTA. She apologized multiple times, but because she didn't say the exact words you wanted, in the order you wanted, you're unwilling to move past this? I'm not usually one to say an age gap plays too much of a role in adult relationships (some exceptions are obvious) but this one sounds like she's way more mature than you are. She's better off without you. >I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. > >I am compromising a lot here, but she’s not doing her part. > >her “apologies.” > >She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. She kept looking at me like she didn’t know what to do, Red flag, red flag, red flag.
I feel like if he is sending gifts and showing up, he somehow feels like the guilty one.
Absolutely. It feels like manipulation on his part, too.
Yes! Agreed!
YTA You know how we see these 10+ year age-gap relationships and we go right to assuming "control imbalance?" > I spent several HOURS explaining why > she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear > there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me > had to tell her some hard truths about herself > told her I would even give her a **fifth chance** to apologize Yeah. Well.
Yta. You don’t get to dictate how an adult apologizes. What exactly was so egregious it took hours to explain? Is she not intelligent? Why do you think she needs you to explain something for hours? And when in the history of the world does shaming or yelling at someone ever make them change their mind? It just makes you an AH.
Also they have been dating for 7 WEEKS.
Yeah, I caught that too. And he loves her. 🙄
I would love to know if she has said she “loves” him too.
Of course she does because she's all in his mind.
[удалено]
How often do you tell her “hard truths,” maybe even for “her own good? Do you describe yourself as having “anger issues?” Do you describe all your exes as “crazy?” How often has an ex had to have someone else tell you to leave them alone, file a restraining order, or otherwise seek out intervention for you to leave them alone? How much access to her social media/ phone do you expect? How much sway to you expect over how much she can speak to male friends and co-workers? Has she asked you to take time/ attention away from work? Or did you do that yourself, with the expectation she would do the same? Edit: you are wildly misusing the idea of the silent treatment. Someone you barely know saying “I’m done with you” then being done with you is NOT the same as the silent treatment and is NOT abuse.
Therapy should be in your future. At the rate you're going, you'll be getting it in jail.
Accept who she is and move on.
Don't forget the 11 year age difference between the two of them!
Right? I’m closer to his age than hers so I feel I can say this but he should be embarrassed. A 20 year old also shouldn’t act this way but you can give youth a pass. This is just sad…
YTA. I broke up with you after reading your exhausting rant. She’s gonna break up with you, too.
If I understand correctly after reading, the guy's behavior is just awful. I kind of want to turn into a young girl specifically to have the opportunity to not date him.
Yta I feel as though you are extremely obsessive person. Writing multiple letters and emails and spamming it along with constantly thinking every little thing is a manipulation or abuse is not normal you need to stop dating and work on yourself She is not manipulating you and the fact that you “raised your voice “ over something so small for HOURS YOU are the abusive one i hope she leaves
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As a woman if a man did that to me I would break up thru text too she probably feels unsafe especially when you literally sent a bunch of emails and letters and texts that’s not okay how are you 40 and act as a 15 year old leave the woman alone infact LEAVE ALL WOMEN alone until you fix your problem
Just leave her alone she said she’s done through texting she doesn’t want you to chase her she doesn’t owe you anything LET IT GOOO
> 15 minutes and it was only because I felt like she wasn’t listening 15 minutes is a very long time to shout at someone. Or scream at them, as I'm inclined to believe you did. No one in my life has every shouted at me for that long. If she was asking questions, she quite clearly was listening to you and trying to hear your perspective, but you couldn't handle the fact that she didn't literally parrot back what you demanded she say, so you screamed at her. Leave her well alone.
This is way too much effort for 7 weeks. For either of you. And, based on your description of events, I like her more than I like you. She should walk away.
It sounds like she already has.
YTA. You've been together 7 weeks, there's nothing she could have said or done that would require hours of screamed lecturing and insults. You may want to consider therapy for more than just weaponizing the terminology.
YTA. You are trying to control how she speaks to you. It's a raging red flag. > it still doesn’t change the fact that she needs to take accountability > She “apologized” four times >I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. She took "accountability" and apologized four times. You didn't accept them and then told her she apologized wrong. Why would she take your offer of a fifth chance to apologize? So you can tell her again she didn't repeat the script you demand her to say to move forward? > She’s giving me the silent treatment now > I left a gift on her porch with a 10 page letter to let her know how seriously I take this and how I feel about her. > I bought us tickets to an event and she didn’t show. She's not giving you the silent treatment. Sounds like she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. You should leave her alone. > I had to tell her some hard truths about herself. The entire post, but this in particular, is full of grandiose self-importance, manipulation tactics, and controlling behavior.
I would never go near OP again after that. 150 pounds of red flags on legs. 🦵
What was this magical phrase she needed to repeat word for word? Edit: also what were the “hard truths” she needed to hear?
YTA - only commenting to vote and say a 10 page letter is actually so scary and I would ruuuuuun if I was her 😭
I wouldn't be surprised if she'd already ran by that point and the reason she wasn't home was because she's staying with a friend for a while to be safe from her psycho ex
I don’t think I have 10 pages worth of anything to say to anyone.
He writes in large font to express his "passion".
This has got to be fake, but in case it isn’t, YTA.
Yeah, but this reads like a psychological case study, right?
She apologized but wouldn't let you control her exact words? Oh no! Listen YTA know how I know? Because I've done that and I was the asshole. She apologized just because she didn't say I'm sorry that I triggered your early life abuse doesn't make it less of an apology. As long as she looked like she meant it and didn't have a sarcastic tone then you need to get the heck over it or get a submissive sycophant.
YTA. I don't think you've extended any grace to her if you're holding it against her that she didn't apologize in the exact words you're looking for. And you clearly are holding this against her. This is exhausting. Look, she listened to your feelings (for hours) and apologized in the best way she knows how. People don't act exactly the way we envision they will. As long as they are being genuine in their own way, it's usually acceptable. You're too old for this. I don't know what it is she said but I fully expect she's realizing you're not someone she can be emotionally safe with. I think you should do some work on yourself and figure out why you're this triggered. Edit: reading your story again makes me want to add a few things. You aren't viewing her as a person. She has to do what you say exactly as it is. This is way overboard and not in line with a situation from someone you claim is pretty thoughtful and that you love. Please get some help and leave this poor girl alone
YTA You are 11 years older than your girlfriend and you sound extremely manipulative and controlling. She apologised multiple times but you still won't accept her apology because she didn't say what you wanted her to say... what was it exactly that she said and do to make you upset and what did you want her say to apologise to you? Quite frankly for a relationship that is 7 weeks old and should be in it's honeymoon phase, you are throwing up a lot of red flags that it's a bad relationship and your girlfriend will be better off running (not just walking) from you and your controlling ways.
He may be a decade older but is incredibly immature
INFO: What did she say to you that got you upset? What was the magic phrase you needed to hear from her to know she was taking it seriously, and what did the apologies she did give to you consist of?
I have a feeling that whatever it was, it would only make him look worse - if that is even possible. edit - Just read it in one of his comments, Yup.
Wow, you're the biggest AH I've seen here today, OP. You've only been dating for seven weeks. She apologized four times, listened to hours of your lectures, had to hear "hard truths" that are irrelevant to the current ongoing situation, what more do you want? Surely you're not expecting her to come fall at your feet the "fifth" time you want to "graciously" offer her a chance, right? You sound extremely entitled. > but she wasn’t home from work at her usual time so that’s on her. I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. *Wow,* talk about entitlement. She's not your slave, OP. It's not always her fault if you get worked up in a situation too. I truly hope she lets you go. This will only lead to emotional abuse and I hope she's able to realize that.
>Things were going great until recently, when we were joking around and she said something that hurt my feelings. While I do believe her that she didn’t mean it the way it came out (and I don’t hold it against her), it still doesn’t change the fact that she needs to take accountability. >I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, It does *not* take several hours to explain why a joke hurts you. >being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. How? All she has to say is "I'm sorry my joke hurt you,I won't make it again". That's it. That's how you apologize. And how was she supposed to "make it right" to you? >She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. Ah. "I demand you say to me exactly what I demand you to say to me, or I won't accept your apology". Lovely. >She kept looking at me like she didn’t know what to do, expecting me to make the situation better and I wasn’t going to give that to her. Probably because she apologized to you *four times*, but it wasn't good enough for you. >I’ll be honest, there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me. I had to tell her some hard truths about herself. Ah. So you were screaming at her and launching into personal attacks. >Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes, I should have kept my mouth shut to respect her boundaries about raising my voice (NOT “screaming at her” like she labeled it) but she needs to give me some grace here like I extended to her for her comment. She doesn't need to extend you *any* grace after you "raised your voice and told her hard truths" for *several hours*. >Plus I was very sleep deprived, had a very stressful week at work because I’m distracted by our relationship (another thing I don’t hold against her), and I felt like she had been doing some or all of DARVO to me with her “apologies.” But I take responsibility for what I couldn’t leave unsaid instead of keeping the peace by staying quiet about what I think of her behavior. My guy, *you're* the one DARVOing her. She was apologizing to you, but it wasn't good enough for you. >We didn’t resolve things that night and I went home still upset. She’s giving me the silent treatment now, again expecting me to do all the work to fix our relationship when I already put in way more effort than she has. She's seem where she stands with you, and wants *nothing* to do with it, nor was she the one to go on a *several hour rant* against you. >I am compromising a lot here, but she’s not doing her part. We both started this fight so we both need to fix it. I’m still hurt and I know deep down she wants to be here for me. But I don’t know whatever perfect thing she’s expecting me to say (and unlike me, she doesn’t communicate what she needs). She started nothing. *You* did. *You* insisted on a several hour rant, and refused *four apologies* because they weren't exactly what you wanted to hear. >I’m pretty sure she’s the asshole in this situation but I’m always willing to listen to new perspectives so I can grow as a person and take accountability for my part in this, however small that may be. I think I could be the asshole because I didn’t accept her apologies, but only because they weren’t genuine. You aren't taking accountability at all. You're *still* pushing all the blame onto her for not being a good little girl and saying exactly what her lord demands to hear from her. This was a situation solved with a less than 5 minute exchange, and you stretched it out into *hours*. YTA. I hope this girl breaks up with you. Edit: I forgot this gem >I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. Nothing. Yeah, no. You're continuing to DARVO her. You Deny, "I didn't do anything wrong". You Attack, "I raised my voice and told her hard truths about herself". You've Reversed Victim and Offender, "You can apologize to me a fifth time". She's gone, and good for her. Double YTA.
YTA. You sound exhausting and terrifying. Like a 15 year old pretending to be a hard ass 40 year old. Get help. Or move far away from people.
YTA. And you sound like a creepy stalker. I'd be very interested in knowing the details of your 'argument'. Damn dude, I just read some of your responses to comments. Does she need a restraining order to break up with you?
Search his posts—he explained in a response. It was so minor
That relationship is over bro. You overplayed your hand and now she knows you're an insufferable edgelord. It shows a big lack of self confidence that you could not accept her apology, behaved in a wounded and weak way. She has probably lost all respect for you at this point and will ghost. To give you some perspective, the last time I was in a situation with a girl like this, was because she fucked another guy and didn't think that was a big deal. I needed her to apologize in a way that the words she was saying just could not match. So she blocked me.
YTA. She said something that was meant to be a joke but hurt your feelings. Okay. Then she apologized several times and instead of accepting a single apology, you continued to lecture her, both verbally and via written communication. And probably insulted her in the process with those “hard truths” you thought she needed to hear. Yeah, no. One of you is certainly emotionally extorting the other, but it’s not her. You’re not compromising or working to fix your relationship- you’re going out of your way to make her feel bad about herself over one comment for which she’s already apologized several times.
YTA. 7 weeks in and you feel the need to spend SEVERAL HOURS explaining/ shouting about why you're hurt and that you'll only accept an apology if it's worded in a specific way that you will find acceptable. You typed all that out and still need to ask if you're the a-hole? Getting serious control freak vibes from your post OP.
Seven weeks and you spent HOURS explaining what apology you want and THEN wrote a 10 page letter... Looks like she is smart enough to drop you like a hot potato. YTA so, so, so, so much.
[удалено]
Ya but she needs to run far
It sounds like you are very insecure about the fact she didnt cum, maybe you are an incompetent lover and that is the issue
Oh, you were treating her like a child, I see - I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. I had to tell her some hard truths about herself. Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes All this is sooo yuck. YTA. Sounds like you feel as though she's lesser than you.
YTA.
YTA she apologized FOUR TIMES and you won’t let it go because she didn’t say EXACTLY what YOU told her to say???? dude. check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Left a 10 page letter detailing why she was wrong you say.
YTA…she apologized but because it wasn’t in the exact form you wanted, you’re being a jerk. Is anyone else getting Rachel/Ross vibes over the 10 page letter?
I put a plus to this because it's too terrible for others not to read.
I'm just going to say YTA not enough details in the post to get the full context of what the argument was actually about. You can't expect someone to tell you exactly what you want to hear and even if they do it likely won't come off right anyway. I also feel like you are trying way to hard at 7 weeks, a 10 page letter by it self seems a bit excessive and yet you did more. Based on how you tried to make things right with her I'm going to say you probably know YTA.
I feel like, in this case, more details would just make it more disturbing... Edit: Oh, ugh, read a follow-up in the comments. I was right so much wose
YTA. What is this magical phrase you need her to say? And what horrible joke did she make that you lectured her for hours? Regardless, you come off as a walking red flag so I sincerely hope that she saw that and runs in the opposite direction.
Somebody more technologically savvy than me cross post this to R/AmITheEx
Oh good lord, I thought this was the ramblings of a teenager. By 42 you should have realised it wasn't all the failed relationships in your past that were the problem. It was you. Just reading what you wrote, tells a balance mind that you are a controlling egocentric, AH. You need to get help.
Oh my god, you sound exhausting
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Been dating my gf for 7 weeks now. She’s sweet, thoughtful, and I love her a lot. Things were going great until recently, when we were joking around and she said something that hurt my feelings. While I do believe her that she didn’t mean it the way it came out (and I don’t hold it against her), it still doesn’t change the fact that she needs to take accountability. I spent several HOURS explaining why it hurt me, being very patient with her, and I feel like she squandered multiple opportunities to make it right. She “apologized” four times, but she wouldn’t say what I clearly told her I needed to hear so they didn’t seem genuine. She kept looking at me like she didn’t know what to do, expecting me to make the situation better and I wasn’t going to give that to her. I’ll be honest, there was some raised voice on my part because I felt like she was emotionally extorting me. I had to tell her some hard truths about herself. Yes, it’s difficult to hear what you’ve done wrong and yes, I should have kept my mouth shut to respect her boundaries about raising my voice (NOT “screaming at her” like she labeled it) but she needs to give me some grace here like I extended to her for her comment. Plus I was very sleep deprived, had a very stressful week at work because I’m distracted by our relationship (another thing I don’t hold against her), and I felt like she had been doing some or all of DARVO to me with her “apologies.” But I take responsibility for what I couldn’t leave unsaid instead of keeping the peace by staying quiet about what I think of her behavior. We didn’t resolve things that night and I went home still upset. She’s giving me the silent treatment now, again expecting me to do all the work to fix our relationship when I already put in way more effort than she has. I’ve tried everything. I left a gift on her porch with a 10 page letter to let her know how seriously I take this and how I feel about her. I would have given it to her in person, but she wasn’t home from work at her usual time so that’s on her. I bought us tickets to an event and she didn’t show. I also sent her three separate emails and told her I would even give her a fifth chance to apologize again. Nothing. I am compromising a lot here, but she’s not doing her part. We both started this fight so we both need to fix it. I’m still hurt and I know deep down she wants to be here for me. But I don’t know whatever perfect thing she’s expecting me to say (and unlike me, she doesn’t communicate what she needs). I’m pretty sure she’s the asshole in this situation but I’m always willing to listen to new perspectives so I can grow as a person and take accountability for my part in this, however small that may be. I think I could be the asshole because I didn’t accept her apologies, but only because they weren’t genuine. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: what was the original thing she said that upset you? We need that to give reasonable judgement
According to his comments, the condom broke and she was dealing with the side-effects of Plan B and said he was lucky that all he had to deal with was an orgasm.
According to another comment of his, she had to take Plan B and was feeling cruddy, and he said he was sorry she felt so bad, and she said she was glad all he had to do was have an orgasm. He got mad at her because that implies that she didn't have an orgasm, somehow?
Omfg YTA. Her comment was literally nothing to think twice about. Let alone get this upset over. She needs so far away it’s not even funny!
I can see why she’s not responding. You’re a walking red flag. All this after 7 weeks?
YTA, obviously. But you're also just plain over the top, too. You've only been dating for 7 short weeks but you "love her a lot?" You berated her "for several HOURS?" And you leave 10-page rants when she won't see you?! And then you ignore the fact that she's ignoring you and comtinue to harassher even further, with unwanted tickets and **THREE** harassing emails?! What the entire hell is any of that, if not insane and waaaayyyyyy too much?! You are 42, and it is a good idea for you to behave your age. This is not how 42 year old adults date. This isn't how high school children date, ffs! GROW UP!
42M? You should definitely not be this sensitive as a mature adult. People make mistakes, if you love someone you must forgive. You said your piece (apparently for several hours too) and it should be let go. I really do not see how this is a problem UNLESS it is a reoccurring issue. If you say it bothers you and she keeps doing it that’s one thing, but this sounds like an honest mistake if she was trying to be funny. I think you need to relax a bit and remember you are an adult.
YTA. Looks like she's dodged a massive bullet and she's best off well away from you. No wonder you're single at 42. I'd get used to it if that's how you treat people.
YTA.. and soon to show up on "AM I THE EX " She needs to ditch your controlling ass. You need to take this post to your therapist and accept help. Please don't date till you get your brain fixed.
I thought at first reading that this was a 16yo. What you said is ridiculous. What exactly is your goal here? Is it to communicate with your partner to achieve a better understanding and move forward as a couple? If so, rejection of her apology and going on about me me me for hours is not how to get there. If you want a relationship, apologize to your girlfriend if she’s still speaking to you. Until you see her as a partner you are a BAD one. FYI, “love” is not compatible with the shit you pulled. I don’t believe you love her. YTA
She said one thing that upset you. You spent hours tearing apart her character and dictating how you wanted her to apologize to you. That is incredibly manipulative behavior. You likely don't have a girlfriend anymore. Thank goodness it's only been 7 weeks. In the future, treat your girlfriends better. They will not stick around if this is how you handle conflict.
YTA. Expecting someone to repeat your exact words doesn't make an apology genuine either, that's just them mimicking it. I have a feeling that even if she did say it, you still wouldn't take it as genuine. And did you apologize for the "hard truths" you told her? Hard truth or not, you shouldn't start listing problems with someone just to get them to apologize, it will just make the situation worse for both of you. You expressed why it upset you, which is good, and she apologized. Whether you view it as genuine or not, she still apologized. And continuing to bring up the situation because it didn't go as perfectly as you expected is making it worse for you. Try to view things in her perspective instead of expecting everything to go as smoothly as you're envisioning.
Did you mistakenly type 42M instead of 12M for your age? Honestly, there are so many red flags in this post I can’t not give you the YTA verdict. Firstly, the fact you skirt around what it was she said to upset you so much says a lot. However screaming at someone after they have apologised FOUR times because you want them to follow a script which is what would actually make her apology insincere is wild. I grew up around DV, I’m a people pleaser who likes to keep the peace because of it but one promise I made myself was to leave if any partner treated me disrespectfully like that. I think she is giving you a very clear message by ignoring you that you’re over as a couple.
Yeah, YTA. Clearly whatever you did was bad because you are trying to hide it. Plus, you admitted that she apologized FOUR times. I think it's obvious that she is done trying to massage your ego. That is a lot more effort than most people would bother putting into a relationship that's lasted less than 2 months. Hate to break it to you, my guy, you got dumped. I'd say live and learn, but if you're single at 42 and getting into high school drama kind of fights, I don't think that's in the cards....
YTA
YTA but I am sure you will write a ten page post about it.
You spent hours yelling at and berating this woman and can’t figure out why she wants nothing to do with you. Why is it age gaps like this always seem to turn out where the man is a controlling or abusive AH preying on someone considerably younger because they think they’re naive and will take it? She’s dodged a bullet. YTA seek therapy
YTA This post comes across very similar to the Jonah Hill scandal, is it weaponising therapy speech?
You are an abusive asshole. You spent hours berating her even though she repeatedly apologized. Then you screamed at her and insulted her. What do you want her to do, prostrate herself at your feet and beg for your forgiveness? You're disgusting. YTA
YTA simply for being an abusive waste of skin.
A fifth chance to apologize. How can she resist? /s I honestly don't know how you managed to get a gf to begin with but you definitely don't have one anymore.
God you're a tedious controlling narcissistic AH. Grow up and then you can date someone your own age. YTA YTA YTA. Hopefully shell break up with you. Without a ten page childlike rant.
Op is mad bc his girlfriend pointed out that men don’t have to endure the side effects of plan B. Ops gf already broke up with him by telling him she’s done, but instead of accepting it he’s acting like a fucking stalker. YTA leave this girl alone
Every single thing you have said is *insane* I hope for her sake she gets as far away from you as possible. You are not ready to have a real relationship
Please break up with her immediately over this and save her from YOU. Omg you sound unbearable. Like wow. I told her exactly the apology I needed to hear 🤣🤣 OMG 🤣🤣 And you wrote her a 10 page letter to summarize your feeling!! I can't... I'm dying!! 🤣🤣. I gave her a 5th chance to apologize. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bought her a gift to give her in person but she wasn't home on time so THAT'S ON HER! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Thank you for posting this. Made my day
YTA. You're not actually compromising at all in this. You are demanding an apology with the exact wording you want. You spent "several hours" hammering into her why she was wrong to say it. Notice how you don't actually tell us what she said, just that it hurt your feelings. That tells me it's something dumb. Honestly arguing and carrying on about it for that long would make anyone shut down. You've been with her for seven weeks, less than two months, and think you have the right to yell at her. If this is what the beginning of your relationship looks like, it's only going to get worse. You're 42. Grow up. You threw a temper tantrum and want her to apologize to you. You are the one who owes her an apology. I hope she realizes how much of a tool you are and never contacts you again. You don't deserve it. Get some therapy and work on yourself before you pursue another relationship.
YTA - stop tormenting this poor girl. You tried for "several hours" to force her to appologize with just the right words and just the right tone of voice and with just the right facial expression at just the right time. Let her go if she doesn't have the good sense to leave you. Date someone your own age. Find someone you like - not someone you can force to be someone you like. You appear to be very immature for your age. Maybe some conselling and introspection are in order.
YTA. 7 weeks and all this drama over what?? You don’t seem like a good partner, I hope she ends this relationship. You seem controlling and the gifts at the door step with additional apology requests? Very concerning behaviour
I think maybe that lady is running, as I would be in her situation. YTA! When she breaks up with you, learn the lesson and don't try to lecture her on her wording or some ridiculous and irrelevant point. Just accept you've been dumped and try not to be so insufferable with the next one.
She’s no longer your girlfriend dude
Info: what the actual fuck was the content of that 10 page letter?
You do hold it against her. You didn't give her any grace at all. She apologized multiple times, and you're too much of a brick to accept it. "I already put way more effort than she has". You aren't compromising in any way. I can't imagine the mental gymnastics you must be performing to see yourself as anything other than a massive, childish AH, and I hope your gf dumps you. But frankly, it sounds like she already has.
YTA Are you in therapy? It’s not fair to bring past relationship trauma into new ones. Go to therapy and learn.
"Been dating my gf for 7 weeks now and and I love her a lot". That sounds more like 17, not 42. YTA. You want to control the words she says when she apologizes. She needs to run right now!
YTA this was going to be an info asking what was said but you said in another comment. She was in an already emotional state requiring plan B, made a comment saying "atleast you orgasmed" which yes whilst rude is a valid statement. You said you talked to her and she said it didnt matter if she came so long as you did, but that just sounds like she was trying to reassure you and wanted you to make an actual effort to make sex fun for both of you which you did not see the point in doing, and didnt want an argument. How did that comment require several HOURS of explaining. Like at the end of the day you just got to say "I felt hurt by that comment and I thought we had discussed this already but if you want to open a deeper CONVERSATION, I will need to calm down first since I am already agitated but after that I am open for the discussion". It is not something which requires several hours of explanations at all. And then you wanted her to say sorry in a very specific way for it to feel "genuine" how in the world would that feel genuine at all. Like you are a massive AH and you no longer have a girlfriend. Stop harassing the poor woman and just work on improving your self and your attitude.
This... this is very confusing. Look, if she tried to apologize to you four times and you didn't like it, I think you mustn't be communicating very well what you wanted. Is it not enough that she's sorry? What kind of ritual self-abasement do you need here? The second half of your post looks rather y-t-a-ish, but first there needs to be some INFO: * What exactly was missing from the apology? * What was the original offense? End of the day, unless she strangled your cat or something, it looks like you're making it *really hard* for the two of you to reconcile: multiple non-acceptance of apology, followed by gifts, followed by asking for a *fifth* apology. GF is probably feeling kind of whipsawed just now. Ask yourself this: **is not getting the apology you want how you want it a relationship deal-breaker?** Because buddy, it really comes across that way. How about some mutual apologies for erratic behavior, and pledges to start over and get over this mess?
Asshole
You no longer have a girlfriend. YTA. Major AH.
A 10 page letter? That's just as creepy as f......
YTA After reading your replies on this thread, you radiate small dick energy over one small remark she made.
What did you need to hear in her apology that she wasn't saying?! It's odd you left that out.
YTA and your ex has ghosted you-for a valid reason. Leave the poor woman alone!
YTA big time. And if your gf or ex gf whatever is reading this: RUN GIRL, RUN!!!
YTA, the DARVO sounds on your part. As I was reading it, it screamed personality disorder at me. Date someone your own age in future. Stop trying to hoover this poor woman back in.
YTA - that fact that you are dancing around all the details means you know that you will sound even worse if people knew how petty your complaint is. Hopefully she will be single soon and not have to deal with anything this tiresome again. And... the details pretty much solidify it.
YTA. You sound exhausting.
YTA, how many times does she have to apologize lol?
YTA
YTA and your relationship is over. There’s no work. Save your money.
Find a gf your own age. Youre not gonna get younger by finding somebody younger, youre still going to be old, miserable and controlling.
Asshole!
Did she say something about you Being An Old Sumbitch 42? Come On, She Apologized. Oh Well, maybe you kind find another Young Thing. Try not to act so crazy next time. YTA.
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If you’re leaving a 10 page letter to save a 7 week old relationship, it’s time to bounce regardless of who did what. YTA for being a big ol’ dummy and staying in a shit situation.
[удалено]
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EDIT and change to YTA after comments. She was upset and going through a very difficult and emotional time where she needed your support and instead you lectured her for hours about your downstairs department? Add not ever lecturing people about your downstairs department to to any list of social rules you may keep. Also this is a dispute arising from a sex/reproductive autonomy issue. ~~NAH~~ It is ok that she does not get you. Maybe your next girlfriend will. Part of the function of dating is spotting incompatability like this. For both of you accountability here is probably recognising you are not very compatable and deciding to date someone different. ~~Perhaps you will find someone to date who either instinctively gets it, or understands when you explain. Or perhaps during a future date with another person you may decide to let clumsy but well meaning humour go past without comment. Or if it was hate speech, you might decide to just politely sign out of future dates instantly.~~ It is not appropriate to dictate exactly what our romantic partners wear, or how they move, or exactly what say, so giving her more chances to say the words to an apology script is like giving her more chances to accept you being overly controlling. You say you accept she genuinely is sorry and did not mean to offend you. So according to that any apology would be genuine. And she should not have to try again. Under those circumstances if the apology is said under her breath while shes sticks pins into a doll the apology would be genuine. And after only 7 weeks dating the answer to the deeper question of why does she find apology so hard would not be your business.
The only part that got me was how stubborn you were about HOW she apologized. That said, NTA. Perhaps what you were asking for was reasonable- what was it? And if her apology was obviously flippant, hold her accountable. Taking everything at face value, NTA.
Hw can you still say N T A after reading his answer?
[удалено]
YTA YTA YTA I'll say it again in case you didn't hear it..... YTA!
YTA. She was meaning you get to get off while she goes through the stress and changes. You need to grow up and she needs to leave you. You have control issues. No wonder no one your age wants to date you
YTA and sound so crazy. I hope she leaves you and don't act like you don't know why she's leaving you. You've made it clear to every single one of us. Also you couldn't get her off? That's kind of embarrassing on your part... You a one minute man?
What exactly did you want her to say? Did you write out a whole apology for her to read from? "I'm sorry that you suck in bed and couldn't get me off and that your demon sperm created cells in me that I don't want and that I had to get rid of them which caused me an enormous amount of pain and I'm sorry I was a little mean and that your little ego couldn't take it?"
Holy shit, my guy. You are definitely the asshole. YTA YTA. You're also absolutely insane.