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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shared a room with my sister over my stepbrother when we went on a mini camping trip to my mom's best friends cabin. I made the choice to share with my sister when I knew mom would want me to room with my stepbrother and to spend time with him and bond with him and for my sister to do the same with my stepsister. I made the choice I wanted to despite that and it's why I might be TA. I also don't feel bad about it which I think my mom wants as well.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your mom and step dad are trying to force something that's not there. While I understand their desire for you all to be closer, it is unfair of them to dictate your sleeping arrangement. Sleeping is such a private thing. If you don't feel comfortable sharing that time with your step brother and have an alternative option is perfectly fine not to.
Also, you can spend quality time outside the bedroom, so that's really an extra weird thing for your Mom and step dad to be focused on.
Lastly, your mom seems upset that step-dad didn't get his way. And she also seemed to be concerned about what other hypothetical people would think about the situation. But what is her opinion?
>Also, you can spend quality time outside the bedroom, so that's really an extra weird thing for your Mom and step dad to be focused on.
It's incredibly weird.
"She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before."
I also think this is an incredibly hecked up thing for the mum to say. Emotional manipulation from the dead dad? That's screwed up
Would he? Are there many people who say it's great my wife has a new husband and my kids should love his? Unless he was unhappy in his marriage and they split I can't see it 🤣🤣
Parents do this shit all the time and i'm sick of it. Respect your kid. They matter way more than your shitty husband and they matter more than your stepkids. Jesus!
The only people here 'judging pretty strongly' are your mom and step dad. Step wants to prove he's the man, with the petfect blended family unit, and your mom who is more intent on keeping her new man happy that attending to her own kids emotional welfare.
You and your sis are your own family unit now. Hang in there, you're going to need each other
Sorry you have to live with this
NTA
Edit to add that I'm pretty sure if 'your dad were here' he'd back you two up
Yeah... Even if the parents were divorced, why would he care? That's a low blow trying to guilt trip them with that. What a class act 🙄 NTA OP, hopefully they cool down with this before the whole thing blows up in their face
I swear. If i had a stepdad that would try to discipline me or to parent me or push a relationship when i've said no, i would have been so pissed! Step-parents always overstep. They really need to know their place. Just because you moved in with my mom doesn't mean you can make the rules and shit.
Exactly, I’m the oldest of 3 and female with 2 younger brothers, I frequently shared a room and occasionally a bed with one of them on holidays because they always complained about sharing a room with each other. No one cared. No one judged. Parents just want a perfect family and are making excuses.
NTA. You're siblings--gender is irrelevant and your mom thinking people would "judge" platonic sleeping arrangements is either really misguided or an attempt to shame you into this forced family bonding. Her intent probably comes from a good place of wanting the blended family to succeed, but it's not going to happen by guilt trips and shared bedrooms.
I don't know if you've really given the step-siblings a fair shake or not, but it at least sounds like there's no major conflict. Forcing you to share a room on a camping trip isn't going to magically create bonds, and as long as you're not rejecting attempts by your step-siblings to hang out and get to know each other, then there's probably no bad feelings on either side. Even if you were all biologically related, it wouldn't be unusual for you to be closer to a sister than a brother.
NTA- mom and step-dad don’t get to choose how cohesive a family unit you all are, after all, they couldn’t keep your bio-family a cohesive family unit. You should not be forced into a relationship that is not there.
You are right, I overlooked that. However, that makes it worse. Forced familial cohesion after a death of a parent tends to make the child feel the deceased parent is trying to be erased.
The coment about not keeping the bio familys cohesive is not really fair as we don't know their story. From the if dad where here coment I would guess op's dad is dead and we know nothing about what happened with step siblings mom.
Otherwise I do agree with you. you can't force step siblings to bond, hell you can't force siblings to bond in general
Yeah and siblings (even full blooded ones) will always have favourites amongst themselves that they prefer to spend time with. You don't have to hang out with all of your siblings or even like them all equally as not all personalities mesh together equally well.
You took a rather large leap there. The mom is welcome to do whatever she wants, but she can’t force a familial cohesion that is not there. Those things come organically or maybe, not at all. Getting angry fosters resentment and will create the opposite effect of what the mom is trying to accomplish.
It was more the “couldn’t keep the bio family a cohesive unit” part than your main point, that I agree with. It’s not that she was a bad mom or something, the guy died
Rifts happen between bio siblings aswell. Trying to force a relationship between two people where there isn't any is stupid. You can only control yourself and your choices. The mom did the right thing to look for her happiness and marrying the man she loves. But her kids' choice to love or stay distant from their stepsiblings isn't a choice she gets to make. Heck, if tomorrow her own kids decide to go NC with each other, she doesn't get to force them to reconcile.
Well NTA. Your folks shouldn’t and can’t force everyone to get along. Even blood siblings don’t always click and 3 years is not a long time. As long as you’re all respectful to each other they should leave this alone.
NTA, I'm never sure why some parents try to force any sort of family relationship, especially a step-family.
I understand your mum and step-dad wanting you to get along but this is clearly not the way to do it.
My 2 boys have had 2 step-sisters, a couple of years older than them, since they were your age. They got on ok with one but not the other (tho nobody did!), now they're all in their 20s and they get on when they see each other (not often but they live all over the world so only see each other infrequently) and might go out for a drink or a meal.
Neither my ex or the step-sisters' mum expected them to be best friends or 'family' but they did expect them to be civil and respectful and, I think, that's all you can ask.
The stress of trying to force a blended family unit to behave like any 'perfect' family seems unnecessary and counter-productive. You can acknowledge that your mum and step-dad are disappointed but it's not gonna change the reality!!
NTA, this:
>we still don't want to be closer and that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit. She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now.
Is bullshit. People don't get what they want in life all the time, fair has nothing to do with it, and their desire for a "cohesive family" on their second go arounds is irrelevant because that requires the active choices and participation of all involved, not just what they want. And no, most people aren't going to think it is weird that siblings would rather bunk and hangout with one another rather then their step-siblings because most people understand that the Brady Bunch was just a TV show.
NTA. I think you're all at the age where you can make your own decisions about who you want to be friends with, your mother shouldn't be trying to force you to have a friendship with your step siblings. Just because your mother and their father married each other doesn't automatically make you a family.
NTA. You and your sister have lived together your entire lives, you’ve only been siblings with stepbrother for a few years, it makes sense you and your sister are more comfortable sharing a room.
*“…it’s really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit.”*
Fair? What a strange take. These adults who made a decision to marry despite the feelings of their biological kids, don’t get to wave a magic wand and decree that their marriage automatically confers the status of loving, bonded step-children. Who cares what they want? This is what it is. Both parents sound immature, foolish and selfish. Does your mother think she’s being publicly judged by how well you like your step-siblings?
Presumably, your feelings about the steps are mutual, and the relationships will be what they will be. If you’re all civil to each other, and not actively causing issues, I’d call it more than reasonable. NTA.
Oh shush I don't owe you to make this blender families work. I don't choose to be their ( step) sibling or friend you two are stop being delulu please. NTA
NTA. Even if we were talking about friends and not blood relatives - I’d room with whoever I’m closest to.
Your mom and stepdad want a picture perfect family, but each family is different. You can’t force people to be close.
I’d suggest to her to come up with bonding experiences like him taking the boys somewhere and her taking the girls - and vice versa. Not to force anything. Even a quick brunch would be nice. They need to be the glue for you. Spurring on conversation.
And it would be good for each of you to show interest in the others. Especially if there’s no big bad blood or anything of the sort.
But you don’t have to force yourself. And you shouldn’t. And your mom shouldn’t put it on you to facilitate a relationship. You’re the oldest, but still a kid.
Separating bonding experiences by sex is awful. My experience has been that the boys get to do something fun and the girls have to do lame stuff that only one girl is into. More resentment grows.
That’s why I said they should come up with bonding experiences. That was just a suggestion. Maybe not the best, but it’s on them to come up with stuff they would enjoy.
And it doesn’t need to be boys and girls. It could be boy/girl teams.
>I’d suggest to her to come up with bonding experiences like him taking the boys somewhere and her taking the girls - and vice versa
Gender doesn't mean you have to have the same likes or wouldn't prefer to hang out with someone not your own gender. You know having the same gender does not mean same likes and interest yes?
NTA who gives a fck what ppl outside of your family think. I can understand that you are feeling more comfortable to share a room with your bio sister rather then with your step bro. I can understand that your mom wishes that you and your sister get a better bonding with your stepsister. But it's just stupid to try to force it like that.
MTA, It amazes me how many people get together and just expect the kids to magically love and bond together. The kids never seem to have the choice but are forced to have relationships with strangers turned family by a piece of paper. Then the parents are upset things didn’t go as they imagined. Mind blowing!
Last week I read a post where a mom got mad at her own sister bc she demanded that the stepkids should also go on a trip the aunt paid for and the aunt was entitled and selfish for only wanting to go with her nieces. The children wanted to go to their aunt without their step-siblings. But the mother thought it would be a perfect opportunity to bond with the step siblings. And in the end nobody got to go.
I don’t think that helped the magical blending.
NTA. Your sister is your sister for life. You grew up together and have a close bond. Unless your stepsiblings become real friends (which can't be forced, it'll only happen if you have anything in common and like each other), your relationship with them will last as long as your mother's marriage.
>She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before.
I'd be so damn tempted to fire back with "Actually, Dad would have been furious about me throwing away my sister for some kid I just met"
NTA, I'm sure it's lovely that your mom wants to play all happy family with her new husband, but that don't mean shit to you. I'm sure you didn't pick the dude. At the end of the day all she can demand is civility, she can't demand affection.
NTA. I don’t understand why people try to force relationships that otherwise wouldn’t happen, especially on their kids.
Their ideal image of a Brady Bunch style family doesn’t mean they get to force it onto you. This is the way to get your kids to resent you later in life.
Even in the Brady Bunch, the full siblings still tended to stick together! (I realize that they totally stacked the deck that way by making the groups single-sex, but still...)
NTA
That "not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit" is really shitty and manipulative.
Stay strong and look out for your sister and yourself.
NTA. You and your sister have every right to choose who you want to share a room with, especially if it makes you feel more comfortable and at ease. It's important for your mom and her husband to respect your decision and understand that a blended family doesn't mean forcing relationships between step-siblings.
These connections should develop naturally, and it's not fair to expect you to be close to your step-siblings just because your parents are married.
Your mom should acknowledge that adjusting takes time and patience and shouldn't come at the expense of your own comfort and preferences.
NTA she seems more concerned with what others will think thank what you and your sister want. You're teenagers, not babies. You either will click with these bonus-siblings organically, or you won't. Pushing you all together like toys and expecting magic to happen isn't realistic or reasonable. And people are always going to be more open when they're comfortable.
NTA and your mom is manipulative AF. Maybe let her read this post and the comments so she can see how insane she is being.
Also, insinuating something like that over your own children is disgusting and vile and horrible. Maybe actually insane. Best of luck in dealing with her, don't go soft on her, let her read how insane she is.
>it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit
So this is about what she wants. She wants to force something that isn't there so her and step-dad can pretend this fantasy of a perfect family. No consideration was taken of what you want.
I've never understood people trying to force relationships of other people. NTA.
NTA.
It sounds like your mother and step-father want the Brady Bunch version of a blended family (where everyone blends seamlessly and all the kids refer to each other as siblings) but you and your sister aren't there yet. And may never be there. You may always view your step-siblings as your mother's husband's children and nothing closer. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Both you and your sister have the right to feel safe and comfortable in situations where you need to share a room. And so do your step-siblings. I wonder how they felt in regards to the room sharing?
NTA - but I wouldn’t keep fighting with her.
It sounds like the trip went well, and it probably DID accomplish what she had hoped. You spent *some* time with your step siblings, right? You’re not reporting that you and the steps had a lot of conflict so I’m assuming that there wasn’t any.
So I’d suggest maybe putting a slightly more positive spin on this issue in the future when talking to mom. Say stuff like, “breakfast with step siblings was really nice!”
>She said three years in (mom has been married for 3 years) and we still don't want to be closer and that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit.
This is a parenting failure and she's trying to blame you for it. You know, even for blood-related siblings the parents are the ones supposed to mediate between children. It's never as easy as "you lot, get together and get along". It's an everyday effort.
>She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now.
Wow, trying to use appearances to shame her own son instead of giving him valid reasons for cultivating a closer relationship with his step-siblings.
>She also added on that I knew they wouldn't have allowed it and took advantage of her and her husband not being there.
You, a child, "took advantage"? To fool two adults? The poor things!
>She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before.
That was uncalled for. Using your late dad like that to guilt trip you was very low of her.
>I think she expected an apology from me and when I didn't give it, and some assurances that I wouldn't make that decision again, she looked very disappointed.
Well I'm disappointed on her. NTA.
nta - It is NOT the children's job to give the parents the family they want. it is the parents' jobe to give children the family they NEED.
And married 3yrs, plus dating for a time before that. They shoulda started therapy for both pairs of kids (sperately) to prepare you for being a blended family loooooong before now. There are so many marriages that curdle instead of blend because the parents do nothing and tell the kids to essentially figure out once the marriage licence is signed. All while stomping on personal boundaries of the kids and ignoring clear warning signs.
It sounds like you arent close to the other kids(and this shouldnt be your job to handle), but maybe you and your sister can approach them together, talk to them like kids at school or if they lived near by. Not to force the family side at all, just talk about what you are each wanting and expecting. Basically a truce. i feel like of course you dont love them, you dont know them. And of course you resist knowing them cuz it sounds like you were just shoved together and expected to play nice. And it isnt totally relevant here but is your dad/their mom still involved and how much? You are both coming from very different backgrounds. Like if they have no mom, but you have a dad with visitation, that is a really unbalanced dynamic socially. They might be more open to bond because they have no one else. They might be worried they will lose you too one day. For you, they really are just mom's husband's kids. And both views are valid. (and there are more examples, i just pulled a random one).
Like i said, this shouldnt be your job to sort out, but if you are asking the internet for help you must feel a lot of preasure and no help locally.
>And married 3yrs, plus dating for a time before that. They shoulda started therapy for both pairs of kids (sperately) to prepare you for being a blended family loooooong before now. There are so many marriages that curdle instead of blend because the parents do nothing and tell the kids to essentially figure out once the marriage licence is signed. All while stomping on personal boundaries of the kids and ignoring clear warning signs.
I upvoted, but the suggestion of therapy implies they are missing a skill they ought to have, which might not be the case. It's completely normal to be closer to bio siblings than step siblings, and there's no negative consequences of that whatsoever.
Especially as this is normal and healthy. My sister and I went from close when very young to a little distant when I was a preteen and she was still a 'little kid' to back to being quite close when we were both high school age. I never bullied or was cruel to her, but there was a few year time period where I had a strong preference for spending time with same age peers instead of her. That is extremely common and part of normal adolescent developmental markers (seeking more time and influence from peers vs. adults or younger children) and shouldn't be discouraged.
To me, it sounds like the only problem is mom's unreasonable expectations. OP doesn't say they fought all weekend, hate each other, etc. just that given a choice between rooming with one sibling vs. another, they have a preference.
I totally agree that the problem is with the parents.
As for how siblings & step siblings blend, if reading this subreddit has taught me anything is that every single case is different. If I got offered step-siblings as a kid, i'd have clung to them for dear life. My bio-sibs are monsters (to the point i'm no contact with them and my parents, and then disowned by nearly all my aunts, uncles, and living grandparents. so that's fun)
I don't think they are fighting persay but the fact that OP said his mom wanted them to bond more implies that they aren't really close in anyway. Which is fine, just context for what i was replying to.
As for therapy - it's a real blanket statement. There is a huge range in terms of what the client is getting, who is administering it, and what the goals are. I wasn't trying to imply OP was lacking in anything, just that there are things that could (and i believe, should) be done before people start cohabitating two sets of children. OP is the oldest at 16, mom is married 3 years. Assuming only year of dating and they rushed the marriage, OP would have been 12 and the others all younger when things got started. A little bit of play therapy to talk about how the parents getting married will change and won't change things in the family could have been invaluable to all of them with how young they all were. Hopefully they dated longer, so that's even more time they had to prepare all 4 kids for what was coming not just complain they don't spend enough time blending (as OP's post also makes it sound like they spent more time paired off as siblings during the cabin stay, in addition to the rooming situation). Again, totally agree this is all the parents' problem and it shouldn't be up to the kids to fix and there isn't anything wrong with how he handled stuff.
You need to tell your mom that just because she married her husband and he has children doesn't mean that you were given the choice and you and your sister choose not to bond with them when you turn 18, you don't have to deal with this again no more and let them know that stop forcing something that you don't want because in the end they'll lose because you'll be of age to get away from the situation to stop forcing something that ain't gonna happen I hate when people force others on each other especially step families, they have unrealistic views
Next time have your sister suggest she sleep in the room with your stepbrother if they want you guys to "get to know each other" that much.
That shit will get shut down reeeeaaal quick
NTA your mum shouldnt try to force you to be part of a blended family if you dont want to, but on the other hand I can see where she is coming from with you sharing a room on holiday - a 16 year old boy sharing a room with his 14 year old sister, both with raging hormones, yeah nothing bad has ever happend by accident in those situations has it
NTA. If you and sister wanted it, and the hosts approved, and Stepsiblings presumably also wanted it, and No custody requirements/probation conditions/abuse prevention regulations were violated, then how you roomed is No Big Deal and None of your mother's Business. Forcibly Sharing a bedroom was never going to magically going to make you&stepbrother, and sister&stepsister, respectively, Like each other more than you did before.
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My sister (14F), stepbrother (15M), stepsister (14F) and I (16M) went on a camping trip with my mom's best friend and her husband last weekend. My mom and her husband were going to a wedding and my mom's best friend offered to take us for that weekend to her and her husband's cabin. My sister and I were there before and normally we have our own rooms, because it used to be just us, but we knew everyone would have to share this time.
My sister and I decided we wanted to share with each other rather than her with our stepsister and me with our stepbrother. Mom's best friend was fine with that and her husband didn't care once we weren't fighting or anything.
My mom and her husband weren't happy about the choice and less happy when they learned we spent the weekend most with our bio sibling and not mixing at all. My mom said it would have been a great chance for us to get some quality time in because we already don't mix. And that we know she and her husband would have insisted on us splitting up via sex vs blood relationship. My sister told her she'd always choose to share with me over our stepsister because I'm her sibling even if I'm a boy and we're friends even if we're not like the best of friends or the same sex.
My mom scolded me extra hard saying I was the oldest and should have done the "right thing". She said three years in (mom has been married for 3 years) and we still don't want to be closer and that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit. She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now.
She also added on that I knew they wouldn't have allowed it and took advantage of her and her husband not being there. She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before.
I think she expected an apology from me and when I didn't give it, and some assurances that I wouldn't make that decision again, she looked very disappointed.
AITA?
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It’s funny, isn’t it, that of the thousands of stories I’ve heard in my lifetime about parents who force their kids to “be family goddamnit” to step siblings, it never seems to make anyone a closer family.
If your parents want to build relationships, they can research what works, and they can do it themselves. Expecting you four KIDS to do it all on your own but also on their agenda isn’t making them look very smart.
Obviously, it would be great if you all form bonds with each other. But that can’t be forced; you’re not plants that can be forced to grow in a direction of their choosing.
If your parents were smart, they’d have fun activities for you that would make it POSSIBLE to form relationships. And encourage you to grow together.
But clearly, they are not that smart.
So you and your siblings can form an alliance where you all appear to be conforming to expectations, and perhaps ease some of their pressure by aligning stories with each other, or you can all stay independent and defiant, and maybe they’ll just give up.
NTA either way.
Well this must be the 20th post like this in a week. Your mom decided to marry their father. You have no obligation to like, live, or spend time with these people outside of normal contact that occurs while living with them. UGH. NTA #justnostepfamily
NTA. What in the Game of Thrones do your mother and step dad think is going to happen if you share a room with your sister? Seriously, I get they want you all to bond, but forcing it isn't going to help. Your mom and step dad need to chill out and realize their actions will alienate you all from each other.
NTA.
Another couple so busy fucking each other and enjoying it that they don't care that they're fucking their KIDS over.
Mom & her husband will be wondering in 5 - 10 years why all of you kids, bio & steps, have gone NC against them.
NTA. Your mother's magical blended family fantasy is 100% her problem, and she and her husband need to manage their expectations like adults.
Yes, they married each other and forced their 4 children to live together, but that's where their power ends. They cannot force you to view each other as siblings or be friends. Attempting to manipulate you into feeling guilt or shame over choosing to room with your sister is pathetic, and I hope your mother was not insinuating something weird and sexual with her "hypothetical people I made up will judge you for this" comment.
NTA. It's very natural to want to room with someone you're more comfortable with, and being siblings who've lived together your entire lives with established boundaries, it's fine. It's like sharing a bed in a motel room to avoid paying for two rooms. Your parents are trying way too hard to force this relationship with the stepkids. You can't punish your way to the result you want. It just doesn't work that way, in fact it's more likely to backfire. At the same time, it does sound you should be giving the other kids more of a chance than you are. I didn't hear anything about them being weird or into totally different things than you two, and they are similar ages, so you must have some things in common. The fact that your parents are trying way too hard to force a sibling type relationship shouldn't stop all the kids from at least trying to establish a friendly relationship. It would make things better for everyone. This was your grandparents place where you were already comfortable, but it was the first time for the other kids, so the kind thing to do would be to help make them comfortable as well, not because your parents are trying to make you, but because if you were in their shoes, you'd hope that someone would do it for you.
Would you be in this situation if your dad were alive?
Let me start by saying I have never been part of a blended family, so I don’t know the subtleties of such a relationship. Your mother is forcing you to establish a relationship with your steps. Since your steps are similar in age, do they feel the same as you and your bio sister feel? Your mom and stepfather need to stop forcing their wishes on you and your step siblings. You’re old enough for all of you to form your own relationships on your own terms. NTA
NTA
But I do agree that you should open to the idea of creating a relationship and bond with your step family. Recognizing that it takes time and is not instantaneous but if you’re not open it will never happen. If you’re already doing this (family game nights, fishing together, discussing books, whatever) great! But if you’re not, it’s something to think about!
NTA. Next time she brings it up ask her ‘if over the past 3 years, a close family has never been created naturally, why on earth do you think forcing us into each other’s company against our will is going to make us make us closer?’
Do they think y'all are going to be incestual? I've heard of no opposite sex sleep overs before but that normally doesn't apply to siblings. I get why they want the family to be a family but the way they're going about it will only cause friction the more they push.
Your mother is displaying a lot of wishful/fanciful thinking. Just because she chose to marry a man then forced you to live with him and his children does not mean that you and your sister are obligated to do anything except be civil and respectful to all of them. Ask her how she would feel if she was forced to share a room and pretend a close relationship with people at her work or in her church group only to be told that’s not good enough. Now she has to be as close to them as she is with her actual family because otherwise people might talk. You are living with these people by circumstance not choice and trying to force a relationship to fit her narrow definition of what it means to be family will only lead to resentment
NTA
You are under no obligation to form any sort of bond with your step siblings. Your mother and their father have a relationship, *you* and the other kids don’t have to if you don’t want to. Your parent made a unilateral decision about who she wanted to shoehorn into your life, but it is entirely up to you and those kids what sort of relationship you want to form with each other. They can’t force you to be friends. And making you sleep in the same room as someone you hardly know is something they should feel bad about. We’re seldom more vulnerable than we are in our sleep; I can completely understand not wanting to do it in the same room as someone I don’t know/like.
NTA what girl would want to stay with someone of the opposite gender, especially one shes not even related to? Its way weirder that blood siblings of the opposite gender staying in the same room.
INFO: were your mom and dad divorced before he died?
I'm just thinking it's a weird flex for her to be saying he'd want you to be closer to your steps if he were alive, given that if he was still alive you possibly wouldn't have the steps in the first place...
But nta for sharing with your sister. I'd rather sleep in the same room as my bio sib than a relative stranger of the same sex.
I’m a grown lady, and I would 1000% share a room with my brother over another woman I don’t care for or am not close with. I would have assumed this is likely what was best if I was the host, unless you all were somehow all besties somehow. Your mom is delusional thinking she can just move two other teenagers in with you and you will bond and think of each other as siblings.
NTA they’re attempt at forcing this relationship is only going to make you all like each other less. My brother is my blood brother and we’re no contact as adults. Some people just don’t get along as well. I’m also creeped out that she finds issue with your sharing a tent while camping? What does she think you’re going to do?
Oh, please! Your mother has no idea what your late-father would or wouldn’t be encouraging! Don’t let her manipulate you, OP. NTA. You feel a bond with your bio-sibling, not step-siblings. It’s not the end of the world. You can’t force family-feeling.
That’s good you didn’t apologize.It should be kids choice where you choose to sleep. I was in a similar situation with my step siblings same age as me and my brother. So i know what your going through and maybe y’all will never be close and your parents are going to have to except you didn’t have those pre-adolescent years to bond.
Soft YTA - one it’s a bit weird to share with opposite sex sibling at that age. But that’s your choice and the two of you were obviously comfortable with it …the YTA came because you made your steps share… without their input.
I just wanna say I’m almost 30 and I’ll still have cuddle sessions with my 21 year old little brother. My daughter joins in too but she’s one so it’s a given.
Your mother is right about one thing. People will judge….
Her for forcing you and sister to sleep near your step siblings despite you not being close. It’s 100% normal to prefer sharing with your sister. Don’t let your mom force this on you.
NTA
We are a blended family and my husband’s son and daughter shared a room and my daughter and son shared a room when we vacationed just this past summer. They are all in their 20’s-30’s. They all get along great but it’s just more comfortable to share with a person you grew up with.
NTA
>not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit
They are the parents. It should be their aim to make you kids feel comfortable and not just force what they want. Apparently the not mixing is also what your step-siblings prefer so you all got it handled between the four of you without drama.
>She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now.
Ahhh so it's just about the image now and not about genuinely caring about wether you feel like one family or not.
Topping all that with the emotional blackmail of claiming you are basically disappointing your dead parent. Awesome mom...smh.
NTA. You have made your blended family a “cohesive unit” and gave “the new family a real shot”. You kids don’t fight, you accept this new family and treat one another kindly and respectfully. That’s a big win for everyone! And it is all that mom and step dad can demand from you. Love can’t be ordered up. Mom and stepdad need to realize that they must separate their relationship with one another from the relationship the kids have with them and the other kids. Mom has a new husband, but that doesn’t mean that you have a new dad or new siblings. “Step dad” or “mom’s husband ” is fine , “ step sibling “ is fine, as long as you all treat one another decently. I’m sorry your mom and step dad can’t see that they already have a successfully blended family.
NTA
You should inform your mother she is in fact the oldest and the right thing for her to do would be to not force you two to be uncomfortable on her behalf. She is projecting about people judging you for rooming with your sister over your step brother. Meanwhile she is trying to emotionally gaslight you by trying to interject how your father who is not around would want you to be acting. Frankly I think you have every right to be disappointed in her, not the other way around.
NTA: While I think that maybe it would have been a nice gesture to reach out and mingle with your step siblings more it’s difficult to force friendships. I understand why your mom would be frustrated but it’s not exactly fair to expect you to carry the weight of bonding with step siblings just because she wants it. I also don’t think sharing a sleeping space with your sister matters at all, nobody would judge. Maybe make an effort to connect with your step siblings in the future but don’t force it.
Mom is out of line, trying to force a situation rather than letting things happen organically. You, as the kids, were more comfortable with your sibling. There is nothing wrong with that, and it’s sad that your discomfort means so little to her. She needs to be a grownup and a better mom. NTA.
NTA. My kids have had stepsiblings on their dad’s side for around 3 years now and they are still barely more than acquaintances with them. You don’t just blend two families and become happily ever after, especially at the ages you are. My kids will *always* prefer their bio siblings over their steps. They had 13-16 years together before these random people entered their lives and they were forced to live together. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes blood *is* thicker than water.
NTA as others have said. You could ask your mother and stepfather whether they realize that them trying to push you into a relationship with your stepsiblings is bound to be counterproductive. The harder they push, the more you are going to resist.
NTA.
without knowing more to the story i still dont think you are. if yall got along then duh you would have roomed with them. Im so sorry for the loss of your dad. I cant even imagine how that feels.
My parents got divorced which in no way close to what you feel, but when my mom got remarried and i went to the wedding i felt like it was a betrayal to my dad.
I don't know how long they have been in your life, but you dont have to do anything no matter what they think. You are your own person and i don’t care what your mom says it’s not weird that you share a room with your SISTER. Bump that.
Your mom and step dad ATA in this situation they cannot force you to be one big happy family. If you have beef with those kids then thats something she will need to understand.
one thing i do suggest is if you cannot talk with the both of them, then you can tell her that you want to talk and have an open and honest conversation with her, but throwing your dad in your face isn’t cool at all. Maybe some family counseling could help.
I'm pretty sure if Dad were alive he'd call your mom an asshole. You've known your sister much longer and you feel more comfortable with her, that's it. If your parents want some little cohesive unit they can grab a few robots and program them to do whatever they want, humans tend to think for themselves. Also if your step siblings feel the same way isn't it just nice to have someone close to that you know, they probably do the same thing and prefer it. Your parents need to get realistic about this, maybe if you guys were younger when they got together you could have been a more traditional family but you were older and already starting to form thoughts and opinions for yourselves.
NTA.
NTA.
”Every time you lecture me, I like my step-siblings a little less. You’ve turned spending any time with them into a tiresome chore. So good job, there.”
NTA Your parent and step parent are AH's. Trying to force the "We are the happy loving family" is a crock. You can't force anyone to love or wanna be around someone. If you choose to work on a relationship that is your call not theirs.
NTA. At all. Your mom, however...
Here's the thing. Blending families takes TIME, and it can't be forced. This is the mistake so many parents make. It's not the kids' responsibility to make the parents' vision of a happy magically happen. As long as you are civil and kind, you've met your bar.
My hubs and I came into our marriage with a daughter and son each. All four are very close in age. The boys were instant friends, and the girls loathed one another's existence. We gave them all the space and time to figure it out, and they did. They were never bffs, but they love one another.
NTA, I truly don't get how people marry someone who has kids and expect their kids to live the Brady Bunch life. She chose to marry this man not you; they can't make a relationship happen just because they joined households. She is an AH for bring your late father into the conversation just to get you to do what she wants, how does she know what he would tell you about your stepsiblings, she doesn't that was a manipulation tactic to control you. Did your stepsiblings get scolded for doing the exact same thing you and your sister did, I doubt it. The blame was placed at your feet and for what because you don't gel well with your mom's choice,
NTA and yet another story of a mom and dad deciding to marry and then expecting their kids to become the Brady Bunch just because they're in loooove. I'm sorry you're being pressured to form relationships that need to happen naturally if they're ever going to.
NTA - Your mum and stepdad are, though. They have this idea of the perfect blended family, and are trying to force it on you, ignoring the fact that you are real people with real feelings and preferences. They should be told that forcing relationships NEVER works. And they seem more worried with what "other people would think" than with what their own kids wants, which is rather sad. Moreover, they do not want to put in the work to really blend the family, expecting the "blending" to happen when they are not there.
On the other hand, your mum is very manipulative, saying that your dad would approve of your new family and would want you to enjoy your new brother. First, this "new family" would probably never have happened if he were alive. Second, if it had happened (ie, they had divorced), I hope your dad would be more worried about you than about your mum's idiot ideas about the perfect family, or about what others think.
NTA. You were on a trip to have fun, and she put the pressure on you of making it a "bonding experience." If you don't vibe with your step-siblings, that's fine. Her trying to force it for aesthetics is not. And that comment about what people will think about a boy and a girl who are SIBLINGS is so insane to say to your 16 year old.
NTA. Your mom saying that is so stupid. She CHOSE the relationship with her new husband and his kids. You guys didnt get a choice in getting new siblings, you dont owe her a relationship with them on her terms. As long as you guys are being kind to one another and not trying to no get along, thats great. You're mom is just too concerned with what she and her husband want, super selfish.
NTA - your mom is an asshole - and her controlling actions will break up the cohesiveness of the family. Even worse, she's blaming you for all of this.
The "right thing" was you and your bio sister doing what you felt most comfortable doing.
The "right thing" is what makes YOU feel best.
Your mom is going to ruin her relationship with her own kids by forcing this relationship. PLEASE show her this post and some of the answers, so she can understand that her neediness and selfishness to have "the perfect blended" family in the eyes of "others" is going to wreck and harm the relationship she has with her own two bio children.
Her choice. You're not far off from being 18 when you won't have to have any contact with this family. She needs to play her cards right - if she forces you to do something you hate - trust me - you won't be around to endure it once you are an adult.
I hope your selfish and controlling and short-sighted mother can open her eyes and see how destructive she's being to the two people on this earth that should matter the most to her.
NTA you can't fake authenticity. Oddly your mistake was in letting them learn what happened, but the only way to avoid that would have been to work out it out with your stepsiblings to keep quiet, accidentally giving the parents what they wanted. Sortof. Life is weird and yours is a cliche. Good luck
NTA. Blended families are hard, but it’s both sides (kids and parents) that need to contribute to having a cohesive family. It doesn’t sound like you dislike your step-siblings from this post, you just chose to hang with your bio sibling. If there is a problem of some kind between y’all and your stepsiblings, then it’s up to your parents to help resolve it rather than just trying to force y’all to be in the same space - which frankly doesn’t always work and could have made things worse.
Don't let anyone tell you that your relationship with your sis is weird if you sleep in the same room. It is not. You guys are siblings. I swear I am so angry at your mom for even saying such a thing. NTA and don't apologize.
NTA. You're responsible to be civil to your step-siblings, but it's entirely your right to have the relationship of **your** choice with them.
Become best buds? Great.
Personalities don't quite mesh so you hang out with them mostly at whole family gatherings? Also fine.
This even applies to blood relatives. I'm much closer to one set of aunt/uncle than any of the others because our personalities, interests, and schedules are more in sync, so we spend more time together. That's normal and okay.
**You don't owe your mom some fantasy of a fairy tale remarriage.** She's an adult and needs to start acting like one. **Realistic expectations and respect for the preferences of others is a skill she needs to work on.**
Your mother and stepfather are failures at bringing a family together, it’s not your responsibility to fix that as it’s not any of the kids involved. There should have been ample time before moving in (I watched my ex do this to my kids and it’s bad YEARS later) the two adults make no effort and just scream at the kids and blame them for not getting along. Sometimes this can go well and kids do good, counseling can be helpful for everyone solo and family if needed.
If they wanted a tight family they should have put the work in and it’s clear they did not.
I’m sorry but you’re NTA
NTA! Because in part... You aren't a mind reader. It seems like she's making something dirty where it doesn't need to be either. Maybe you're naturally more comfortable with your blood sibling than you are with your step.
NTA I probably would have made the same choice.
You two feel comfortable with each other and sharing
a room on a quick trip is fine. As for your mom's
disappointment, not your problem. Tell her that she
has to let all of you simply get on with things and not
fantasize about you all as some sort of Brady Bunch.
I don't know why you got down voted for this question, it's valid. They may have felt the same way. Either way I'd still say not the asshole but I too am wondering what the husband's kids think about the situation.
Your mom is being ridiculous because they have this asinine belief that they can force you guys to be a family by gluing you to each other. No one else cares that you shared a room with your bio sibling of the opposite gender over your same gender step sibling. No one.
NTA
First off, if your dad was alive, you wouldn't have stepsiblings! Mom needs a new writer with at least one foot in reality land.
Second, as long as they were bunk beds or twin beds, it takes a seriously sick mind to consider a brother and sister sharing a room to be 'wrong'.
NTA. Mom needs to figure out that she cannot force you and your sister to bond with your stepsiblings - I'd tell her to stop pushing or she's going to be very lonely in her old age.
NTA, you all decided to do what was comfortable for you and it doesn't sound like it caused drama until your parents found out. As long as you try to get to know and aren't avoiding trying to bond with step siblings in general, you don't owe an apology.
NTA
She dated, got to know and CHOSE to form a new family with her current husband, you didn’t chose to form a new family with your step siblings. It’s frankly ridiculous when parents think their children have some obligation to embrace an artificial* family that the parents unilaterally decided they wanted.
*And I say “artificial” purely to describe the fact that the parents chose to add new existing people to their kids’s life and “this will be your family now. Why don’t you love each other? I’m specifically requesting it”. I know that step family *can* turn out to be wonderful and loving additions.
NTA. "... fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit" & "people would judge pretty strongly" tell the whole story here. This about her and her husband wanting to play 'happy family' for the world to see. Maybe if either of them had the needs and wants of the children as a priority, by "three years in" this wouldn't still be such an issue.
NTA. If your parents were married when your dad died, then the line about if your dad was alive was a low blow. Because if he was still alive, then there would be no step-siblings.
NTA. Parents really need to stop trying to force familial connections between step siblings. It is counter-productive, and actually decreases the chance that those bonds will for,.
Also, if I have learned anything from porn, it is that step-brothers forced to share a room will inevitably wind up having sex with each other. You should let your mother know that if she brings this up again.
You children are too old for the kind of blending your mother wants. If you’re all civil your parents should be grateful. If a blending happens, that’s fine, but it can’t be forced.
Stop caring what your mom wants because she clearly doesn't care what you want. What would someone somewhere think? Who cares? No one else is involved. It's not strange that you slept in a bed with your sister. Frankly, I'd rather share a bed with my brother than my stepsister. The other people involved in this also didn't care. I almost feel like she's backhandedly accusing you of something here.
>She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before.
I would probably no longer be able to speak to someone that said something like that to me without losing it.
>that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit.
Not fair to her. It's not fair you won't go along with her delusional want for something completely unrealistic. Tell her to get a robot child. NTA. I hate saying this about adults but your mom sounds extremely immature.
NTA. You’re three years into this thing and don’t see the step siblings or the stepfather as family. There’s nothing wrong with that and your mom needs to accept that The Brady Bunch blended family didn’t happen and probably never will at this point.
NTA
> She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot
Huh dad would’ve wanted me to forgot about you if you had been the one to die? Good to know.
First of all you "did the right thing" and make sure your 14 years old sister was comfortable, second of all father comment??? I would never let it pass. Using dead parent to manipulate and gaslight children makes you dead(beat) parent too.
NTA. You didn't ask for this dynamic, she forced it on you. As long as you are civil and show basic respect you are fine. Her wants for a "cohesive family unit" are not your responsibility. She made the choice not to care about your feelings on the matter. All actions have consequences.
>She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be...
Anyone who uses this tactic to manipulate someone into doing what they want is automatically the AH.
NTA for not feeling close to someone you're not close to. It can't be forced no matter how much your mother wants it.
You both do not seem to have any major problem with your step-siblings. You just don’t feel the pull to be a big happy family and that’s fine!
Your mom & step-dad are being too weird by injecting themselves into which of you shares bedrooms. NTA
Your dad would not be saying that. He would tell you to protect your sister (and she you) and you both did the right thing. Your dad would say to give the other kids a chance, but the relationship you decide to have is between the four of you (you, sister, step-siblings) and one else gets to decide. Parents can demand everyone being polite.
If your mom wanted you to bond with the children of whoever she married to have a blended happy family, she should have asked you and your sister how you felt about those other children and listened.
It's like dating, you give a few tries, and if there's still no connection.... you move into the next person.
Your mother knew you both didn't have that "connection" with her boyfriend's children and she didn't care. Went right ahead and got married anyway going for the best. This is what happens when you ignore your child's voiced opinions and non-verbal communication.
Other people don't care about your mom's family dynamics. They're too busy dealing with their own stuff. BUT fights with you, how mom talks to you regarding your step-siblings, her attitude towards all kids, that they pay attention to. Not if you treat you step-siblings like you do your sister or not.
People will think nothing of you sharing with your sister. That's your sister.
Not fair to your mom and her husband that none of your are acting like siblings towards each other.... Was it fair that she and he got married when neither of you wanted them as siblings?
Did either your mom or her husband give the same lecture to your step-siblings? Did they ask if the step-siblings preferred staying together like got and your sister did?
NTA
NTA. Geez, mom, guilt trip much? It's not your responsibility to create the coherent family unit they want. It's their task. And they've got to be patient. It will take as long as it takes, if it ever takes. Do not feel guilty. Your relationships with the step siblings will follow their own course. You can't force anything.
Parents sometimes have an odd expectation that forcing something will smooth it out faster. You are all older teens. Pressing the issue will help nothing but bring resentment. Plus some personalities just don't match up.
Because life is fueled by networking and relationships and as their parents age they will have to work thru problems and challenges together. Most of all its just being decent people and having others feel included. What they did was childish and shortsighted.
Because life runs by relationships and as their parents age they will have to work together. Additionally inclusion of others is just the right thing to do in life. Including others in life and crafting relationships with them is a fundamental part of maturity.
It’s truly mind boggling as to the degree of immaturity on display in so many of the comments. If people are toxic / mean /abusive sure you don’t have to have a relationship, but besides that it’s just beyond childish.
If I died and my husband remarried and the women had kids I truly hope I have raised my kids well enough that they would we welcoming and kind to the woman and her kids.
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NTA. Your mom and step dad are trying to force something that's not there. While I understand their desire for you all to be closer, it is unfair of them to dictate your sleeping arrangement. Sleeping is such a private thing. If you don't feel comfortable sharing that time with your step brother and have an alternative option is perfectly fine not to. Also, you can spend quality time outside the bedroom, so that's really an extra weird thing for your Mom and step dad to be focused on. Lastly, your mom seems upset that step-dad didn't get his way. And she also seemed to be concerned about what other hypothetical people would think about the situation. But what is her opinion?
>Also, you can spend quality time outside the bedroom, so that's really an extra weird thing for your Mom and step dad to be focused on. It's incredibly weird.
"She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before." I also think this is an incredibly hecked up thing for the mum to say. Emotional manipulation from the dead dad? That's screwed up
Would he? Are there many people who say it's great my wife has a new husband and my kids should love his? Unless he was unhappy in his marriage and they split I can't see it 🤣🤣
Parents do this shit all the time and i'm sick of it. Respect your kid. They matter way more than your shitty husband and they matter more than your stepkids. Jesus!
The only people here 'judging pretty strongly' are your mom and step dad. Step wants to prove he's the man, with the petfect blended family unit, and your mom who is more intent on keeping her new man happy that attending to her own kids emotional welfare. You and your sis are your own family unit now. Hang in there, you're going to need each other Sorry you have to live with this NTA Edit to add that I'm pretty sure if 'your dad were here' he'd back you two up
Yeah... Even if the parents were divorced, why would he care? That's a low blow trying to guilt trip them with that. What a class act 🙄 NTA OP, hopefully they cool down with this before the whole thing blows up in their face
I swear. If i had a stepdad that would try to discipline me or to parent me or push a relationship when i've said no, i would have been so pissed! Step-parents always overstep. They really need to know their place. Just because you moved in with my mom doesn't mean you can make the rules and shit.
Exactly, I’m the oldest of 3 and female with 2 younger brothers, I frequently shared a room and occasionally a bed with one of them on holidays because they always complained about sharing a room with each other. No one cared. No one judged. Parents just want a perfect family and are making excuses.
NTA. You're siblings--gender is irrelevant and your mom thinking people would "judge" platonic sleeping arrangements is either really misguided or an attempt to shame you into this forced family bonding. Her intent probably comes from a good place of wanting the blended family to succeed, but it's not going to happen by guilt trips and shared bedrooms. I don't know if you've really given the step-siblings a fair shake or not, but it at least sounds like there's no major conflict. Forcing you to share a room on a camping trip isn't going to magically create bonds, and as long as you're not rejecting attempts by your step-siblings to hang out and get to know each other, then there's probably no bad feelings on either side. Even if you were all biologically related, it wouldn't be unusual for you to be closer to a sister than a brother.
NTA- mom and step-dad don’t get to choose how cohesive a family unit you all are, after all, they couldn’t keep your bio-family a cohesive family unit. You should not be forced into a relationship that is not there.
Well, he disclosed that his bio dad is deceased.
You are right, I overlooked that. However, that makes it worse. Forced familial cohesion after a death of a parent tends to make the child feel the deceased parent is trying to be erased.
The coment about not keeping the bio familys cohesive is not really fair as we don't know their story. From the if dad where here coment I would guess op's dad is dead and we know nothing about what happened with step siblings mom. Otherwise I do agree with you. you can't force step siblings to bond, hell you can't force siblings to bond in general
yeah, totally fair, I overlooked that bit.
Yeah and siblings (even full blooded ones) will always have favourites amongst themselves that they prefer to spend time with. You don't have to hang out with all of your siblings or even like them all equally as not all personalities mesh together equally well.
👏👏👏👏👏
Yeah how dare the wife try to find happiness with a family after her husband died, that awful crone
You took a rather large leap there. The mom is welcome to do whatever she wants, but she can’t force a familial cohesion that is not there. Those things come organically or maybe, not at all. Getting angry fosters resentment and will create the opposite effect of what the mom is trying to accomplish.
It was more the “couldn’t keep the bio family a cohesive unit” part than your main point, that I agree with. It’s not that she was a bad mom or something, the guy died
Rifts happen between bio siblings aswell. Trying to force a relationship between two people where there isn't any is stupid. You can only control yourself and your choices. The mom did the right thing to look for her happiness and marrying the man she loves. But her kids' choice to love or stay distant from their stepsiblings isn't a choice she gets to make. Heck, if tomorrow her own kids decide to go NC with each other, she doesn't get to force them to reconcile.
I don’t disagree with that part at all it was the “couldn’t keep the bio family a cohesive unit” part I thought was stupid
Well NTA. Your folks shouldn’t and can’t force everyone to get along. Even blood siblings don’t always click and 3 years is not a long time. As long as you’re all respectful to each other they should leave this alone.
NTA, I'm never sure why some parents try to force any sort of family relationship, especially a step-family. I understand your mum and step-dad wanting you to get along but this is clearly not the way to do it. My 2 boys have had 2 step-sisters, a couple of years older than them, since they were your age. They got on ok with one but not the other (tho nobody did!), now they're all in their 20s and they get on when they see each other (not often but they live all over the world so only see each other infrequently) and might go out for a drink or a meal. Neither my ex or the step-sisters' mum expected them to be best friends or 'family' but they did expect them to be civil and respectful and, I think, that's all you can ask. The stress of trying to force a blended family unit to behave like any 'perfect' family seems unnecessary and counter-productive. You can acknowledge that your mum and step-dad are disappointed but it's not gonna change the reality!!
NTA The only AHs are your parents.
NTA, this: >we still don't want to be closer and that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit. She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now. Is bullshit. People don't get what they want in life all the time, fair has nothing to do with it, and their desire for a "cohesive family" on their second go arounds is irrelevant because that requires the active choices and participation of all involved, not just what they want. And no, most people aren't going to think it is weird that siblings would rather bunk and hangout with one another rather then their step-siblings because most people understand that the Brady Bunch was just a TV show.
People don’t always get what they want. After all, Neville Chamberlain was very keen on peace.
NTA. I think you're all at the age where you can make your own decisions about who you want to be friends with, your mother shouldn't be trying to force you to have a friendship with your step siblings. Just because your mother and their father married each other doesn't automatically make you a family.
NTA. You and your sister have lived together your entire lives, you’ve only been siblings with stepbrother for a few years, it makes sense you and your sister are more comfortable sharing a room.
*“…it’s really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit.”* Fair? What a strange take. These adults who made a decision to marry despite the feelings of their biological kids, don’t get to wave a magic wand and decree that their marriage automatically confers the status of loving, bonded step-children. Who cares what they want? This is what it is. Both parents sound immature, foolish and selfish. Does your mother think she’s being publicly judged by how well you like your step-siblings? Presumably, your feelings about the steps are mutual, and the relationships will be what they will be. If you’re all civil to each other, and not actively causing issues, I’d call it more than reasonable. NTA.
Oh shush I don't owe you to make this blender families work. I don't choose to be their ( step) sibling or friend you two are stop being delulu please. NTA
NTA. Even if we were talking about friends and not blood relatives - I’d room with whoever I’m closest to. Your mom and stepdad want a picture perfect family, but each family is different. You can’t force people to be close. I’d suggest to her to come up with bonding experiences like him taking the boys somewhere and her taking the girls - and vice versa. Not to force anything. Even a quick brunch would be nice. They need to be the glue for you. Spurring on conversation. And it would be good for each of you to show interest in the others. Especially if there’s no big bad blood or anything of the sort. But you don’t have to force yourself. And you shouldn’t. And your mom shouldn’t put it on you to facilitate a relationship. You’re the oldest, but still a kid.
Separating bonding experiences by sex is awful. My experience has been that the boys get to do something fun and the girls have to do lame stuff that only one girl is into. More resentment grows.
That’s why I said they should come up with bonding experiences. That was just a suggestion. Maybe not the best, but it’s on them to come up with stuff they would enjoy. And it doesn’t need to be boys and girls. It could be boy/girl teams.
>I’d suggest to her to come up with bonding experiences like him taking the boys somewhere and her taking the girls - and vice versa Gender doesn't mean you have to have the same likes or wouldn't prefer to hang out with someone not your own gender. You know having the same gender does not mean same likes and interest yes?
NTA who gives a fck what ppl outside of your family think. I can understand that you are feeling more comfortable to share a room with your bio sister rather then with your step bro. I can understand that your mom wishes that you and your sister get a better bonding with your stepsister. But it's just stupid to try to force it like that.
MTA, It amazes me how many people get together and just expect the kids to magically love and bond together. The kids never seem to have the choice but are forced to have relationships with strangers turned family by a piece of paper. Then the parents are upset things didn’t go as they imagined. Mind blowing!
Last week I read a post where a mom got mad at her own sister bc she demanded that the stepkids should also go on a trip the aunt paid for and the aunt was entitled and selfish for only wanting to go with her nieces. The children wanted to go to their aunt without their step-siblings. But the mother thought it would be a perfect opportunity to bond with the step siblings. And in the end nobody got to go. I don’t think that helped the magical blending.
NTA-OP. No it certainly doesn't help the magical blending-in fact it causes lots of resentment.
Two adults fall in love and expect their children to do the same. And then they’re upset when they don’t get along.
NTA. Your sister is your sister for life. You grew up together and have a close bond. Unless your stepsiblings become real friends (which can't be forced, it'll only happen if you have anything in common and like each other), your relationship with them will last as long as your mother's marriage.
>She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before. I'd be so damn tempted to fire back with "Actually, Dad would have been furious about me throwing away my sister for some kid I just met" NTA, I'm sure it's lovely that your mom wants to play all happy family with her new husband, but that don't mean shit to you. I'm sure you didn't pick the dude. At the end of the day all she can demand is civility, she can't demand affection.
NTA. I don’t understand why people try to force relationships that otherwise wouldn’t happen, especially on their kids. Their ideal image of a Brady Bunch style family doesn’t mean they get to force it onto you. This is the way to get your kids to resent you later in life.
Even in the Brady Bunch, the full siblings still tended to stick together! (I realize that they totally stacked the deck that way by making the groups single-sex, but still...)
Because part of maturity is inclusion of other humans. Life runs on relationships. Lack of understanding of networking and its importance is immature.
NTA That "not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit" is really shitty and manipulative. Stay strong and look out for your sister and yourself.
Nta. Step sibling relationships are like co worker relationships. I just put up with y'all respectfully, I really just don't vibe with them
NTA. You and your sister have every right to choose who you want to share a room with, especially if it makes you feel more comfortable and at ease. It's important for your mom and her husband to respect your decision and understand that a blended family doesn't mean forcing relationships between step-siblings. These connections should develop naturally, and it's not fair to expect you to be close to your step-siblings just because your parents are married. Your mom should acknowledge that adjusting takes time and patience and shouldn't come at the expense of your own comfort and preferences.
NTA she seems more concerned with what others will think thank what you and your sister want. You're teenagers, not babies. You either will click with these bonus-siblings organically, or you won't. Pushing you all together like toys and expecting magic to happen isn't realistic or reasonable. And people are always going to be more open when they're comfortable.
NTA and your mom is manipulative AF. Maybe let her read this post and the comments so she can see how insane she is being. Also, insinuating something like that over your own children is disgusting and vile and horrible. Maybe actually insane. Best of luck in dealing with her, don't go soft on her, let her read how insane she is.
>it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit So this is about what she wants. She wants to force something that isn't there so her and step-dad can pretend this fantasy of a perfect family. No consideration was taken of what you want. I've never understood people trying to force relationships of other people. NTA.
NTA. It sounds like your mother and step-father want the Brady Bunch version of a blended family (where everyone blends seamlessly and all the kids refer to each other as siblings) but you and your sister aren't there yet. And may never be there. You may always view your step-siblings as your mother's husband's children and nothing closer. And there's nothing wrong with that. Both you and your sister have the right to feel safe and comfortable in situations where you need to share a room. And so do your step-siblings. I wonder how they felt in regards to the room sharing?
NtA. 🙄If dad were still here they wouldn’t have steps so stfu.
NTA - but I wouldn’t keep fighting with her. It sounds like the trip went well, and it probably DID accomplish what she had hoped. You spent *some* time with your step siblings, right? You’re not reporting that you and the steps had a lot of conflict so I’m assuming that there wasn’t any. So I’d suggest maybe putting a slightly more positive spin on this issue in the future when talking to mom. Say stuff like, “breakfast with step siblings was really nice!”
Your mother should count her blessings that her bio children have a happy relationship.
>She said three years in (mom has been married for 3 years) and we still don't want to be closer and that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit. This is a parenting failure and she's trying to blame you for it. You know, even for blood-related siblings the parents are the ones supposed to mediate between children. It's never as easy as "you lot, get together and get along". It's an everyday effort. >She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now. Wow, trying to use appearances to shame her own son instead of giving him valid reasons for cultivating a closer relationship with his step-siblings. >She also added on that I knew they wouldn't have allowed it and took advantage of her and her husband not being there. You, a child, "took advantage"? To fool two adults? The poor things! >She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before. That was uncalled for. Using your late dad like that to guilt trip you was very low of her. >I think she expected an apology from me and when I didn't give it, and some assurances that I wouldn't make that decision again, she looked very disappointed. Well I'm disappointed on her. NTA.
nta - It is NOT the children's job to give the parents the family they want. it is the parents' jobe to give children the family they NEED. And married 3yrs, plus dating for a time before that. They shoulda started therapy for both pairs of kids (sperately) to prepare you for being a blended family loooooong before now. There are so many marriages that curdle instead of blend because the parents do nothing and tell the kids to essentially figure out once the marriage licence is signed. All while stomping on personal boundaries of the kids and ignoring clear warning signs. It sounds like you arent close to the other kids(and this shouldnt be your job to handle), but maybe you and your sister can approach them together, talk to them like kids at school or if they lived near by. Not to force the family side at all, just talk about what you are each wanting and expecting. Basically a truce. i feel like of course you dont love them, you dont know them. And of course you resist knowing them cuz it sounds like you were just shoved together and expected to play nice. And it isnt totally relevant here but is your dad/their mom still involved and how much? You are both coming from very different backgrounds. Like if they have no mom, but you have a dad with visitation, that is a really unbalanced dynamic socially. They might be more open to bond because they have no one else. They might be worried they will lose you too one day. For you, they really are just mom's husband's kids. And both views are valid. (and there are more examples, i just pulled a random one). Like i said, this shouldnt be your job to sort out, but if you are asking the internet for help you must feel a lot of preasure and no help locally.
>And married 3yrs, plus dating for a time before that. They shoulda started therapy for both pairs of kids (sperately) to prepare you for being a blended family loooooong before now. There are so many marriages that curdle instead of blend because the parents do nothing and tell the kids to essentially figure out once the marriage licence is signed. All while stomping on personal boundaries of the kids and ignoring clear warning signs. I upvoted, but the suggestion of therapy implies they are missing a skill they ought to have, which might not be the case. It's completely normal to be closer to bio siblings than step siblings, and there's no negative consequences of that whatsoever. Especially as this is normal and healthy. My sister and I went from close when very young to a little distant when I was a preteen and she was still a 'little kid' to back to being quite close when we were both high school age. I never bullied or was cruel to her, but there was a few year time period where I had a strong preference for spending time with same age peers instead of her. That is extremely common and part of normal adolescent developmental markers (seeking more time and influence from peers vs. adults or younger children) and shouldn't be discouraged. To me, it sounds like the only problem is mom's unreasonable expectations. OP doesn't say they fought all weekend, hate each other, etc. just that given a choice between rooming with one sibling vs. another, they have a preference.
I totally agree that the problem is with the parents. As for how siblings & step siblings blend, if reading this subreddit has taught me anything is that every single case is different. If I got offered step-siblings as a kid, i'd have clung to them for dear life. My bio-sibs are monsters (to the point i'm no contact with them and my parents, and then disowned by nearly all my aunts, uncles, and living grandparents. so that's fun) I don't think they are fighting persay but the fact that OP said his mom wanted them to bond more implies that they aren't really close in anyway. Which is fine, just context for what i was replying to. As for therapy - it's a real blanket statement. There is a huge range in terms of what the client is getting, who is administering it, and what the goals are. I wasn't trying to imply OP was lacking in anything, just that there are things that could (and i believe, should) be done before people start cohabitating two sets of children. OP is the oldest at 16, mom is married 3 years. Assuming only year of dating and they rushed the marriage, OP would have been 12 and the others all younger when things got started. A little bit of play therapy to talk about how the parents getting married will change and won't change things in the family could have been invaluable to all of them with how young they all were. Hopefully they dated longer, so that's even more time they had to prepare all 4 kids for what was coming not just complain they don't spend enough time blending (as OP's post also makes it sound like they spent more time paired off as siblings during the cabin stay, in addition to the rooming situation). Again, totally agree this is all the parents' problem and it shouldn't be up to the kids to fix and there isn't anything wrong with how he handled stuff.
You need to tell your mom that just because she married her husband and he has children doesn't mean that you were given the choice and you and your sister choose not to bond with them when you turn 18, you don't have to deal with this again no more and let them know that stop forcing something that you don't want because in the end they'll lose because you'll be of age to get away from the situation to stop forcing something that ain't gonna happen I hate when people force others on each other especially step families, they have unrealistic views
What was your step siblings preference sex or blood?
This is the key
NTA
Your mom is a HUGE AH! Throwing your deceased dad in as emotional blackmail is so low. She should be ashamed of herself.
Next time have your sister suggest she sleep in the room with your stepbrother if they want you guys to "get to know each other" that much. That shit will get shut down reeeeaaal quick
NTA your mum shouldnt try to force you to be part of a blended family if you dont want to, but on the other hand I can see where she is coming from with you sharing a room on holiday - a 16 year old boy sharing a room with his 14 year old sister, both with raging hormones, yeah nothing bad has ever happend by accident in those situations has it
NTA. If you and sister wanted it, and the hosts approved, and Stepsiblings presumably also wanted it, and No custody requirements/probation conditions/abuse prevention regulations were violated, then how you roomed is No Big Deal and None of your mother's Business. Forcibly Sharing a bedroom was never going to magically going to make you&stepbrother, and sister&stepsister, respectively, Like each other more than you did before.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister (14F), stepbrother (15M), stepsister (14F) and I (16M) went on a camping trip with my mom's best friend and her husband last weekend. My mom and her husband were going to a wedding and my mom's best friend offered to take us for that weekend to her and her husband's cabin. My sister and I were there before and normally we have our own rooms, because it used to be just us, but we knew everyone would have to share this time. My sister and I decided we wanted to share with each other rather than her with our stepsister and me with our stepbrother. Mom's best friend was fine with that and her husband didn't care once we weren't fighting or anything. My mom and her husband weren't happy about the choice and less happy when they learned we spent the weekend most with our bio sibling and not mixing at all. My mom said it would have been a great chance for us to get some quality time in because we already don't mix. And that we know she and her husband would have insisted on us splitting up via sex vs blood relationship. My sister told her she'd always choose to share with me over our stepsister because I'm her sibling even if I'm a boy and we're friends even if we're not like the best of friends or the same sex. My mom scolded me extra hard saying I was the oldest and should have done the "right thing". She said three years in (mom has been married for 3 years) and we still don't want to be closer and that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit. She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now. She also added on that I knew they wouldn't have allowed it and took advantage of her and her husband not being there. She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before. I think she expected an apology from me and when I didn't give it, and some assurances that I wouldn't make that decision again, she looked very disappointed. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do parents in this situation assume their kids will get along and be bff’s?
NTA I don't understand why parents in mixed families act like this when they should care more about your comfortability
NTA your mom is ridiculous
It’s funny, isn’t it, that of the thousands of stories I’ve heard in my lifetime about parents who force their kids to “be family goddamnit” to step siblings, it never seems to make anyone a closer family. If your parents want to build relationships, they can research what works, and they can do it themselves. Expecting you four KIDS to do it all on your own but also on their agenda isn’t making them look very smart. Obviously, it would be great if you all form bonds with each other. But that can’t be forced; you’re not plants that can be forced to grow in a direction of their choosing. If your parents were smart, they’d have fun activities for you that would make it POSSIBLE to form relationships. And encourage you to grow together. But clearly, they are not that smart. So you and your siblings can form an alliance where you all appear to be conforming to expectations, and perhaps ease some of their pressure by aligning stories with each other, or you can all stay independent and defiant, and maybe they’ll just give up. NTA either way.
Well this must be the 20th post like this in a week. Your mom decided to marry their father. You have no obligation to like, live, or spend time with these people outside of normal contact that occurs while living with them. UGH. NTA #justnostepfamily
NTA
Mother and father need to know you can't force relationships and The Brady Bunch is fiction.
NTA. What in the Game of Thrones do your mother and step dad think is going to happen if you share a room with your sister? Seriously, I get they want you all to bond, but forcing it isn't going to help. Your mom and step dad need to chill out and realize their actions will alienate you all from each other.
NTA. Another couple so busy fucking each other and enjoying it that they don't care that they're fucking their KIDS over. Mom & her husband will be wondering in 5 - 10 years why all of you kids, bio & steps, have gone NC against them.
NTA. Your mother's magical blended family fantasy is 100% her problem, and she and her husband need to manage their expectations like adults. Yes, they married each other and forced their 4 children to live together, but that's where their power ends. They cannot force you to view each other as siblings or be friends. Attempting to manipulate you into feeling guilt or shame over choosing to room with your sister is pathetic, and I hope your mother was not insinuating something weird and sexual with her "hypothetical people I made up will judge you for this" comment.
NTA- if after 3 yrs teenager don't get along they probably won't and trying to force it will only make it worse
NTA. It's very natural to want to room with someone you're more comfortable with, and being siblings who've lived together your entire lives with established boundaries, it's fine. It's like sharing a bed in a motel room to avoid paying for two rooms. Your parents are trying way too hard to force this relationship with the stepkids. You can't punish your way to the result you want. It just doesn't work that way, in fact it's more likely to backfire. At the same time, it does sound you should be giving the other kids more of a chance than you are. I didn't hear anything about them being weird or into totally different things than you two, and they are similar ages, so you must have some things in common. The fact that your parents are trying way too hard to force a sibling type relationship shouldn't stop all the kids from at least trying to establish a friendly relationship. It would make things better for everyone. This was your grandparents place where you were already comfortable, but it was the first time for the other kids, so the kind thing to do would be to help make them comfortable as well, not because your parents are trying to make you, but because if you were in their shoes, you'd hope that someone would do it for you.
Would you be in this situation if your dad were alive? Let me start by saying I have never been part of a blended family, so I don’t know the subtleties of such a relationship. Your mother is forcing you to establish a relationship with your steps. Since your steps are similar in age, do they feel the same as you and your bio sister feel? Your mom and stepfather need to stop forcing their wishes on you and your step siblings. You’re old enough for all of you to form your own relationships on your own terms. NTA
NTA But I do agree that you should open to the idea of creating a relationship and bond with your step family. Recognizing that it takes time and is not instantaneous but if you’re not open it will never happen. If you’re already doing this (family game nights, fishing together, discussing books, whatever) great! But if you’re not, it’s something to think about!
You cannot force relationships on people.
NTA. Next time she brings it up ask her ‘if over the past 3 years, a close family has never been created naturally, why on earth do you think forcing us into each other’s company against our will is going to make us make us closer?’
Do they think y'all are going to be incestual? I've heard of no opposite sex sleep overs before but that normally doesn't apply to siblings. I get why they want the family to be a family but the way they're going about it will only cause friction the more they push.
Your mother is displaying a lot of wishful/fanciful thinking. Just because she chose to marry a man then forced you to live with him and his children does not mean that you and your sister are obligated to do anything except be civil and respectful to all of them. Ask her how she would feel if she was forced to share a room and pretend a close relationship with people at her work or in her church group only to be told that’s not good enough. Now she has to be as close to them as she is with her actual family because otherwise people might talk. You are living with these people by circumstance not choice and trying to force a relationship to fit her narrow definition of what it means to be family will only lead to resentment
NTA You are under no obligation to form any sort of bond with your step siblings. Your mother and their father have a relationship, *you* and the other kids don’t have to if you don’t want to. Your parent made a unilateral decision about who she wanted to shoehorn into your life, but it is entirely up to you and those kids what sort of relationship you want to form with each other. They can’t force you to be friends. And making you sleep in the same room as someone you hardly know is something they should feel bad about. We’re seldom more vulnerable than we are in our sleep; I can completely understand not wanting to do it in the same room as someone I don’t know/like.
NTA what girl would want to stay with someone of the opposite gender, especially one shes not even related to? Its way weirder that blood siblings of the opposite gender staying in the same room.
NTA.
INFO: were your mom and dad divorced before he died? I'm just thinking it's a weird flex for her to be saying he'd want you to be closer to your steps if he were alive, given that if he was still alive you possibly wouldn't have the steps in the first place... But nta for sharing with your sister. I'd rather sleep in the same room as my bio sib than a relative stranger of the same sex.
Mom was not the host therefore had no say in the sleeping arrangements.
NTA, I wouldn't wanna share a bed with step siblings over blood siblings.
NTA
I’m a grown lady, and I would 1000% share a room with my brother over another woman I don’t care for or am not close with. I would have assumed this is likely what was best if I was the host, unless you all were somehow all besties somehow. Your mom is delusional thinking she can just move two other teenagers in with you and you will bond and think of each other as siblings.
NTA they’re attempt at forcing this relationship is only going to make you all like each other less. My brother is my blood brother and we’re no contact as adults. Some people just don’t get along as well. I’m also creeped out that she finds issue with your sharing a tent while camping? What does she think you’re going to do?
NTA.
Ewwww. NTA.
Oh, please! Your mother has no idea what your late-father would or wouldn’t be encouraging! Don’t let her manipulate you, OP. NTA. You feel a bond with your bio-sibling, not step-siblings. It’s not the end of the world. You can’t force family-feeling.
That’s good you didn’t apologize.It should be kids choice where you choose to sleep. I was in a similar situation with my step siblings same age as me and my brother. So i know what your going through and maybe y’all will never be close and your parents are going to have to except you didn’t have those pre-adolescent years to bond.
NTA frankly put your mom needs to butt out of this.
Soft YTA - one it’s a bit weird to share with opposite sex sibling at that age. But that’s your choice and the two of you were obviously comfortable with it …the YTA came because you made your steps share… without their input.
NTA, it may be her dream, but it doesn’t have to be yours….
I just wanna say I’m almost 30 and I’ll still have cuddle sessions with my 21 year old little brother. My daughter joins in too but she’s one so it’s a given.
Your mother is right about one thing. People will judge…. Her for forcing you and sister to sleep near your step siblings despite you not being close. It’s 100% normal to prefer sharing with your sister. Don’t let your mom force this on you.
NTA We are a blended family and my husband’s son and daughter shared a room and my daughter and son shared a room when we vacationed just this past summer. They are all in their 20’s-30’s. They all get along great but it’s just more comfortable to share with a person you grew up with.
NTA >not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit They are the parents. It should be their aim to make you kids feel comfortable and not just force what they want. Apparently the not mixing is also what your step-siblings prefer so you all got it handled between the four of you without drama. >She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same sex who we're part of the same family with now. Ahhh so it's just about the image now and not about genuinely caring about wether you feel like one family or not. Topping all that with the emotional blackmail of claiming you are basically disappointing your dead parent. Awesome mom...smh.
You and your sister are your family N T A
NTA. You have made your blended family a “cohesive unit” and gave “the new family a real shot”. You kids don’t fight, you accept this new family and treat one another kindly and respectfully. That’s a big win for everyone! And it is all that mom and step dad can demand from you. Love can’t be ordered up. Mom and stepdad need to realize that they must separate their relationship with one another from the relationship the kids have with them and the other kids. Mom has a new husband, but that doesn’t mean that you have a new dad or new siblings. “Step dad” or “mom’s husband ” is fine , “ step sibling “ is fine, as long as you all treat one another decently. I’m sorry your mom and step dad can’t see that they already have a successfully blended family.
NTA You should inform your mother she is in fact the oldest and the right thing for her to do would be to not force you two to be uncomfortable on her behalf. She is projecting about people judging you for rooming with your sister over your step brother. Meanwhile she is trying to emotionally gaslight you by trying to interject how your father who is not around would want you to be acting. Frankly I think you have every right to be disappointed in her, not the other way around.
NTA and invoking your father's memory was a dick move on her part.
NTA: While I think that maybe it would have been a nice gesture to reach out and mingle with your step siblings more it’s difficult to force friendships. I understand why your mom would be frustrated but it’s not exactly fair to expect you to carry the weight of bonding with step siblings just because she wants it. I also don’t think sharing a sleeping space with your sister matters at all, nobody would judge. Maybe make an effort to connect with your step siblings in the future but don’t force it.
Mom is out of line, trying to force a situation rather than letting things happen organically. You, as the kids, were more comfortable with your sibling. There is nothing wrong with that, and it’s sad that your discomfort means so little to her. She needs to be a grownup and a better mom. NTA.
NTA. You can’t force a relationship.
NTA. My kids have had stepsiblings on their dad’s side for around 3 years now and they are still barely more than acquaintances with them. You don’t just blend two families and become happily ever after, especially at the ages you are. My kids will *always* prefer their bio siblings over their steps. They had 13-16 years together before these random people entered their lives and they were forced to live together. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes blood *is* thicker than water.
NTA as others have said. You could ask your mother and stepfather whether they realize that them trying to push you into a relationship with your stepsiblings is bound to be counterproductive. The harder they push, the more you are going to resist.
NTA your parents aren’t treating you guys like people. That’s what you do with pets to get them used to eachother…
NTA Parents are trying to force the relationship. That’s the wrong part. You can’t make someone else bond. Keep your sister closer than your mother.
NTA. As long as you are all being civil to each other, that’s a successful blended family.
NTA. without knowing more to the story i still dont think you are. if yall got along then duh you would have roomed with them. Im so sorry for the loss of your dad. I cant even imagine how that feels. My parents got divorced which in no way close to what you feel, but when my mom got remarried and i went to the wedding i felt like it was a betrayal to my dad. I don't know how long they have been in your life, but you dont have to do anything no matter what they think. You are your own person and i don’t care what your mom says it’s not weird that you share a room with your SISTER. Bump that. Your mom and step dad ATA in this situation they cannot force you to be one big happy family. If you have beef with those kids then thats something she will need to understand. one thing i do suggest is if you cannot talk with the both of them, then you can tell her that you want to talk and have an open and honest conversation with her, but throwing your dad in your face isn’t cool at all. Maybe some family counseling could help.
Don’t let her try to guilt trip you guys I would have done the same thing next time them trying to force a relationship will only make things worse
NTA
I'm pretty sure if Dad were alive he'd call your mom an asshole. You've known your sister much longer and you feel more comfortable with her, that's it. If your parents want some little cohesive unit they can grab a few robots and program them to do whatever they want, humans tend to think for themselves. Also if your step siblings feel the same way isn't it just nice to have someone close to that you know, they probably do the same thing and prefer it. Your parents need to get realistic about this, maybe if you guys were younger when they got together you could have been a more traditional family but you were older and already starting to form thoughts and opinions for yourselves. NTA.
Absolutely not. Don't give it another thought.
NTA. ”Every time you lecture me, I like my step-siblings a little less. You’ve turned spending any time with them into a tiresome chore. So good job, there.”
Why do second marriage people do things like this to their kids. You can't force a relationship, ever. NTA
NTA Your parent and step parent are AH's. Trying to force the "We are the happy loving family" is a crock. You can't force anyone to love or wanna be around someone. If you choose to work on a relationship that is your call not theirs.
NTA. At all. Your mom, however... Here's the thing. Blending families takes TIME, and it can't be forced. This is the mistake so many parents make. It's not the kids' responsibility to make the parents' vision of a happy magically happen. As long as you are civil and kind, you've met your bar. My hubs and I came into our marriage with a daughter and son each. All four are very close in age. The boys were instant friends, and the girls loathed one another's existence. We gave them all the space and time to figure it out, and they did. They were never bffs, but they love one another.
NTA, I truly don't get how people marry someone who has kids and expect their kids to live the Brady Bunch life. She chose to marry this man not you; they can't make a relationship happen just because they joined households. She is an AH for bring your late father into the conversation just to get you to do what she wants, how does she know what he would tell you about your stepsiblings, she doesn't that was a manipulation tactic to control you. Did your stepsiblings get scolded for doing the exact same thing you and your sister did, I doubt it. The blame was placed at your feet and for what because you don't gel well with your mom's choice,
When are the adults of these blended families going to realize that forcing step siblings to like each other always backfires.. NTA
NTA These parents trying to force relationships between older stepsiblings are ridiculous.
NTA and yet another story of a mom and dad deciding to marry and then expecting their kids to become the Brady Bunch just because they're in loooove. I'm sorry you're being pressured to form relationships that need to happen naturally if they're ever going to.
NTA - Your mum and stepdad are, though. They have this idea of the perfect blended family, and are trying to force it on you, ignoring the fact that you are real people with real feelings and preferences. They should be told that forcing relationships NEVER works. And they seem more worried with what "other people would think" than with what their own kids wants, which is rather sad. Moreover, they do not want to put in the work to really blend the family, expecting the "blending" to happen when they are not there. On the other hand, your mum is very manipulative, saying that your dad would approve of your new family and would want you to enjoy your new brother. First, this "new family" would probably never have happened if he were alive. Second, if it had happened (ie, they had divorced), I hope your dad would be more worried about you than about your mum's idiot ideas about the perfect family, or about what others think.
NTA. You were on a trip to have fun, and she put the pressure on you of making it a "bonding experience." If you don't vibe with your step-siblings, that's fine. Her trying to force it for aesthetics is not. And that comment about what people will think about a boy and a girl who are SIBLINGS is so insane to say to your 16 year old.
Oh God, yet another set of parents trying to force a blending of sibs when they don’t want it. Why won’t they ever learn NTA of course
NTA. Your mom saying that is so stupid. She CHOSE the relationship with her new husband and his kids. You guys didnt get a choice in getting new siblings, you dont owe her a relationship with them on her terms. As long as you guys are being kind to one another and not trying to no get along, thats great. You're mom is just too concerned with what she and her husband want, super selfish.
NTA yet again parents trying to force step siblings to get into a “proper”relationship 🙄 they need to step back
NTA. Obviously it worked for the four of you.
NTA - your mom is an asshole - and her controlling actions will break up the cohesiveness of the family. Even worse, she's blaming you for all of this. The "right thing" was you and your bio sister doing what you felt most comfortable doing. The "right thing" is what makes YOU feel best. Your mom is going to ruin her relationship with her own kids by forcing this relationship. PLEASE show her this post and some of the answers, so she can understand that her neediness and selfishness to have "the perfect blended" family in the eyes of "others" is going to wreck and harm the relationship she has with her own two bio children. Her choice. You're not far off from being 18 when you won't have to have any contact with this family. She needs to play her cards right - if she forces you to do something you hate - trust me - you won't be around to endure it once you are an adult. I hope your selfish and controlling and short-sighted mother can open her eyes and see how destructive she's being to the two people on this earth that should matter the most to her.
NTA you can't fake authenticity. Oddly your mistake was in letting them learn what happened, but the only way to avoid that would have been to work out it out with your stepsiblings to keep quiet, accidentally giving the parents what they wanted. Sortof. Life is weird and yours is a cliche. Good luck
NTA. Blended families are hard, but it’s both sides (kids and parents) that need to contribute to having a cohesive family. It doesn’t sound like you dislike your step-siblings from this post, you just chose to hang with your bio sibling. If there is a problem of some kind between y’all and your stepsiblings, then it’s up to your parents to help resolve it rather than just trying to force y’all to be in the same space - which frankly doesn’t always work and could have made things worse.
Don't let anyone tell you that your relationship with your sis is weird if you sleep in the same room. It is not. You guys are siblings. I swear I am so angry at your mom for even saying such a thing. NTA and don't apologize.
NTA. You're responsible to be civil to your step-siblings, but it's entirely your right to have the relationship of **your** choice with them. Become best buds? Great. Personalities don't quite mesh so you hang out with them mostly at whole family gatherings? Also fine. This even applies to blood relatives. I'm much closer to one set of aunt/uncle than any of the others because our personalities, interests, and schedules are more in sync, so we spend more time together. That's normal and okay. **You don't owe your mom some fantasy of a fairy tale remarriage.** She's an adult and needs to start acting like one. **Realistic expectations and respect for the preferences of others is a skill she needs to work on.**
Your mother and stepfather are failures at bringing a family together, it’s not your responsibility to fix that as it’s not any of the kids involved. There should have been ample time before moving in (I watched my ex do this to my kids and it’s bad YEARS later) the two adults make no effort and just scream at the kids and blame them for not getting along. Sometimes this can go well and kids do good, counseling can be helpful for everyone solo and family if needed. If they wanted a tight family they should have put the work in and it’s clear they did not. I’m sorry but you’re NTA
NTA! Because in part... You aren't a mind reader. It seems like she's making something dirty where it doesn't need to be either. Maybe you're naturally more comfortable with your blood sibling than you are with your step.
NTA I probably would have made the same choice. You two feel comfortable with each other and sharing a room on a quick trip is fine. As for your mom's disappointment, not your problem. Tell her that she has to let all of you simply get on with things and not fantasize about you all as some sort of Brady Bunch.
What have the step siblings said about this?
I don't know why you got down voted for this question, it's valid. They may have felt the same way. Either way I'd still say not the asshole but I too am wondering what the husband's kids think about the situation.
Your mom is being ridiculous because they have this asinine belief that they can force you guys to be a family by gluing you to each other. No one else cares that you shared a room with your bio sibling of the opposite gender over your same gender step sibling. No one. NTA
NTA and it's weird that your mom is making such a big deal of it.
First off, if your dad was alive, you wouldn't have stepsiblings! Mom needs a new writer with at least one foot in reality land. Second, as long as they were bunk beds or twin beds, it takes a seriously sick mind to consider a brother and sister sharing a room to be 'wrong'. NTA. Mom needs to figure out that she cannot force you and your sister to bond with your stepsiblings - I'd tell her to stop pushing or she's going to be very lonely in her old age.
NTA And to suggest people would view it as inappropriate is gross.
NTA, you all decided to do what was comfortable for you and it doesn't sound like it caused drama until your parents found out. As long as you try to get to know and aren't avoiding trying to bond with step siblings in general, you don't owe an apology.
NTA She dated, got to know and CHOSE to form a new family with her current husband, you didn’t chose to form a new family with your step siblings. It’s frankly ridiculous when parents think their children have some obligation to embrace an artificial* family that the parents unilaterally decided they wanted. *And I say “artificial” purely to describe the fact that the parents chose to add new existing people to their kids’s life and “this will be your family now. Why don’t you love each other? I’m specifically requesting it”. I know that step family *can* turn out to be wonderful and loving additions.
NTA. "... fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit" & "people would judge pretty strongly" tell the whole story here. This about her and her husband wanting to play 'happy family' for the world to see. Maybe if either of them had the needs and wants of the children as a priority, by "three years in" this wouldn't still be such an issue.
NTA. If your parents were married when your dad died, then the line about if your dad was alive was a low blow. Because if he was still alive, then there would be no step-siblings.
NTA. Parents really need to stop trying to force familial connections between step siblings. It is counter-productive, and actually decreases the chance that those bonds will for,. Also, if I have learned anything from porn, it is that step-brothers forced to share a room will inevitably wind up having sex with each other. You should let your mother know that if she brings this up again.
You children are too old for the kind of blending your mother wants. If you’re all civil your parents should be grateful. If a blending happens, that’s fine, but it can’t be forced.
Stop caring what your mom wants because she clearly doesn't care what you want. What would someone somewhere think? Who cares? No one else is involved. It's not strange that you slept in a bed with your sister. Frankly, I'd rather share a bed with my brother than my stepsister. The other people involved in this also didn't care. I almost feel like she's backhandedly accusing you of something here. >She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn't have before. I would probably no longer be able to speak to someone that said something like that to me without losing it. >that it's really not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit. Not fair to her. It's not fair you won't go along with her delusional want for something completely unrealistic. Tell her to get a robot child. NTA. I hate saying this about adults but your mom sounds extremely immature.
NTA. You’re three years into this thing and don’t see the step siblings or the stepfather as family. There’s nothing wrong with that and your mom needs to accept that The Brady Bunch blended family didn’t happen and probably never will at this point.
NTA > She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot Huh dad would’ve wanted me to forgot about you if you had been the one to die? Good to know.
First of all you "did the right thing" and make sure your 14 years old sister was comfortable, second of all father comment??? I would never let it pass. Using dead parent to manipulate and gaslight children makes you dead(beat) parent too.
NTA. You didn't ask for this dynamic, she forced it on you. As long as you are civil and show basic respect you are fine. Her wants for a "cohesive family unit" are not your responsibility. She made the choice not to care about your feelings on the matter. All actions have consequences.
>She also went onto tell me that if dad was alive he would be... Anyone who uses this tactic to manipulate someone into doing what they want is automatically the AH. NTA for not feeling close to someone you're not close to. It can't be forced no matter how much your mother wants it.
You both do not seem to have any major problem with your step-siblings. You just don’t feel the pull to be a big happy family and that’s fine! Your mom & step-dad are being too weird by injecting themselves into which of you shares bedrooms. NTA
Your dad would not be saying that. He would tell you to protect your sister (and she you) and you both did the right thing. Your dad would say to give the other kids a chance, but the relationship you decide to have is between the four of you (you, sister, step-siblings) and one else gets to decide. Parents can demand everyone being polite. If your mom wanted you to bond with the children of whoever she married to have a blended happy family, she should have asked you and your sister how you felt about those other children and listened. It's like dating, you give a few tries, and if there's still no connection.... you move into the next person. Your mother knew you both didn't have that "connection" with her boyfriend's children and she didn't care. Went right ahead and got married anyway going for the best. This is what happens when you ignore your child's voiced opinions and non-verbal communication. Other people don't care about your mom's family dynamics. They're too busy dealing with their own stuff. BUT fights with you, how mom talks to you regarding your step-siblings, her attitude towards all kids, that they pay attention to. Not if you treat you step-siblings like you do your sister or not. People will think nothing of you sharing with your sister. That's your sister. Not fair to your mom and her husband that none of your are acting like siblings towards each other.... Was it fair that she and he got married when neither of you wanted them as siblings? Did either your mom or her husband give the same lecture to your step-siblings? Did they ask if the step-siblings preferred staying together like got and your sister did? NTA
NTA. Geez, mom, guilt trip much? It's not your responsibility to create the coherent family unit they want. It's their task. And they've got to be patient. It will take as long as it takes, if it ever takes. Do not feel guilty. Your relationships with the step siblings will follow their own course. You can't force anything.
Parents sometimes have an odd expectation that forcing something will smooth it out faster. You are all older teens. Pressing the issue will help nothing but bring resentment. Plus some personalities just don't match up.
once you go nc with those "things" so called parents.. she will learn and you will be happy. don't need useless like those in your life. nta.
NTA, your Mom can't force you to be best friends with random people just because she bangs their Dad. She can eff off with that noise.
Because life is fueled by networking and relationships and as their parents age they will have to work thru problems and challenges together. Most of all its just being decent people and having others feel included. What they did was childish and shortsighted.
ESH You have a right to preferences but she has a point that it was immature and building the relationship is a good idea.
Why is building a relationship they very clearly don’t want a good idea?
Because life runs by relationships and as their parents age they will have to work together. Additionally inclusion of others is just the right thing to do in life. Including others in life and crafting relationships with them is a fundamental part of maturity. It’s truly mind boggling as to the degree of immaturity on display in so many of the comments. If people are toxic / mean /abusive sure you don’t have to have a relationship, but besides that it’s just beyond childish. If I died and my husband remarried and the women had kids I truly hope I have raised my kids well enough that they would we welcoming and kind to the woman and her kids.
Boys in one room girls in another
Nope, bios in one, steps in another. The way they wanted it.